#doing the Work you dont think is worth anything?
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Was talking with a client tonight (the one who I'm basically talking through coming out) and she keeps doing the "oh what if I only want to be a girl sometimes :(((( actually I don't tooooootally hate being a man every second of my waking life, sometimes I dont feel anything at all" and then she was like "ask me if I want to be a girl" and i responded with "do you want to be a woman," and like her answer to those two questions were obviously very different and I think it speaks to the fact that like, we internally know and understand the stakes of transition, right?
Like we understand that by doing the thing for real, by becoming a transsexual or by coming out at work or in our larger lives that we become a target and the way the world interacts with us is going to fundamentally change. Many of us were acted upon as faggots before we came out, but many of us weren't. For some of us, it is a much larger step down than others.
But no matter what our lives were like before, once we start to do the damn thing, the world is going to act upon us as women. And it's easy to stick in the fantasy--a life of being oneself without all that, living in our mind palace where we get to be 'girls' without having to be women--but until we actually acknowledge and accept what transition means for us materially, we have no hope of actually achieving it.
And once we do accept that, the question becomes "is it worth it?" For many of us, the answer is quite clear--the other choice was death by one form or another. But for others, especially those of us who are slightly older, the question becomes more difficult. There may be something for us to lose here. And if you fall into that second group, I ask you this:
Sure, you can live with it. You can keep going, as you have proved yourself able to do for however long you have done it thus far. You may be able to keep yourself stuffed in a box, only taking yourself out for the odd hour here and the odd hour there. You can keep going as you are. But do you want to? Is external ease worth more than internal peace?
They say courage is not 'acting without fear,' but rather 'acting despite fear.' Transition is scary and I can't deny that. But I think you have it within yourself to be courageous.
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all sides of you!
the five love languages rin shows to you
itoshi rin x reader: fluff, hcs/drabble, not proofread, likes n reblogs are appreciated <3
words of affirmation
- at the beginning, i think hes a lot more averse to saying romantic stuff so its more of in a long term/after months of dating
- mainly leaves sticky notes/passes notes during class/at home with what he wants to say ar rhe beginning
- after a while tho, he’ll try to at least praise you/compliment you irl then slowly tell you he loves you (altho rarely at the beginning)
- has a bunch of scribbled notes he never passed to you all filled with confessions/ things he wants to say that he eventually says at the back of his closet in a box (because he thinks its sentimental)
- a lot better at expressing his feelings and can say them without freaking out internally or stuttering before giving up and calling you a mean nickname to neutralise the compliment
- believes in a speak not tell but he knows communication is key so he’ll try his best so bear with him
- slowburn moment for this but its 100% worth it when he comes home from competition and all he can say is repeatedly whisper i love u into your ear as he pulls you closer into his embrace
physical touch
- again, at first hes a bit touch averse / awkward with hugs/kisses but after a while of dating..
- 100% super clingy esp after coming back from competition/bllk : his hands have to be somewhere on your skin, doesnt matter where hes not picky
- has to sleep with you, hugging you like youre his plushie (drools a little too btw)
- links pinky when you guys walk together doeznt matter where “you’ll get lost” excuse except his entire face goes pink at the touch of your hands
- really likes kissing your neck, he thinks its rlly cute when he can hear you & esp if it leaves a mark :p
- has piggy-backed you before even when youre not lying about your shoes hurting or being tired to be carried by him
- enjoys being babied ngl like he loves it sm when you pepper his face with kisses while he just lies there or when you comb his hair with your fingers: he feels like hes in heaven esp after stressful days
quality time
- tries to see you everyday : either through school/going to yours/his house, dates, or even facetime call
- calls you every night when hes overseas btw and during breaks he’ll try to text you back n reply to your messages
- the type to make up excuses just to hang out with you like “oh i need to get new shoes, come with me” even though he has 2038839 different pairs and then have to huy another one because he cant be caught (you can tell)
- wld go on “study” dates where he just stares at you 3/4 of rhe time and actually doesnt finish any of his “assignments”
- has gone on hangouts where both of you just chill in silence n rlly likes it because theres no pressure to do anything and its kind of calming/relaxing esp after having to deal with teammates n whatnot during work
- wld watch you play games/do anything while he sits beside you, just enjoying your company even if he craves a little more but thats alright by him
acts of service
- lowkey such an act of service guy like even pre-relationship even if he makes excuses for him bc hes trying to be #idgaf
- the type to rush to your home with meds/food/everything if you text him youre sick after missing school
- i feel like. he just kind of enjoys the peacefulness of like cleaning and would do it whenever hes stressed (ignoring the loud music he listens to)
- would bring your necessities sometimes, and ends up at some point lending a hairtie to reo (he has a pack of hair ties bought for you at all times)
- anytime he goes out to get food/on the way home, he’ll always get a portion of what youd like just in case, and doeznt mind just eating it as leftover if you dont want it
- has a notepad on his phone on your favourite orders (drinks, meals, desserts etc)
- if youre forgetful, he’ll text you to remind you : whether that be to attend events/eat lunch at proper times/buy something
- would go back to the store if he didn’t buy what you wanted/if you wanted something else without any hesitation as long as it makes you smile even if he doesn’t admit it
- would learn how to take pictures for you on his own accord : you didn’t even realise until one day you pass him your digicam and suddenly he was an expert photographer compared to just months ago when. you started dating where his hand was blocking the camera
giving gifts
- has a matching necklace with you at all times and its his lucky charm and he’ll 100% kiss it before a game / when he wins the game
- shared wishlist on online stores except he stalks through yours and buys them for you randomly to surprise you
- if you have something spoiled/doesnt work as well, doesnt matter if its a home appliance/jeans that don’t fit etc, he’ll buy one for you without any hesitation when he goes out/on his phone
- gets you trinkets/keychains/stuff that reminds him of you including any sanrio/anime/designs you like / even your favourite food ie. chocolates/candies/chips from different countries he goes to for matches
- would notice if you wore his gifts or not and try to buy more things that you like more ie. if you like silver accessories more, he’ll buy more of those
- even during school days, he would 100% blow his money on arcades if you like to play claw machine/those rhythms games and watch you play and sometimes if you don’t get it, he’ll try to get them after his football training for you and pass it to you as nonchalantly as you can the next day
- always buys matching things: that bracelet he bought you? yup he has an exact pair in his drawers, feels its more meaningful and intimate
- if you ever ask for anything, just know he’s willing to give you that and the whole world and even the whole galaxy
-
#itoshi rin x reader#rin itoshi x reader#rin x reader#itoshi rin fluff#rin.<3#blue lock x reader#bllk x reader#bllk fluff
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the amount of people who believe magick is just "spicy psychology" is baffling. how are you a witch who doesnt believe in witchcraft?
#also thats just not how psychology works#how are you speaking to spirits you dont believe exist? doing spells you dont believe work? practising magick you dont believe in?#doing the Work you dont think is worth anything?#witchcraft and the spirits exist outside of you and your mind#and again i cannot emphasise enough that thats not what psychology is#causing problems on purpose#witchcraft
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Wait wait wait, I saw in your tags that's Time and Time Again is ending soon? But I've only just found it! (through the animation you did, it and your comic are so well done)
Ah, yeah.
So by "soon" I really mean "sooner than I think I would like" and it feels much sooner to me as the writer than I think it will to you all as the readers.
But, Time and Time Again is pretty much exactly 2/3 of the way through right now. Webtoon gave me the end date before I even finished my first season, and I've been trying to fit in all the things I wanted to get into the story before it ends...
It's why my hiatus has been taking so long, I'm trying to write to get as many moments and as much development as I possibly can, with really limited time! And... also admittedly to prolong how much longer it's sort of "around" in my life.
Because I know once it is over, I'll move on to the next comic! and 3 years just doesn't feel long enough to have Adam and Steve in my life haha
But, yeah. it's getting "close" in a way that it's starting to make me sad. like this time next year it'll probably be over.
It's okay of course, it's the nature of stories that they will end. I'm working really hard to make it satisfying despite Everything, and I'm really proud of everything I've done so far.
And my next comic will be even better for what I've learned here!
So, sorry to everyone, but I promise I'm gonna make it worth it.
#also my next comic I think I'm not going to do with webtoon#it is a massive massive risk#and I will seriously need people's like. actual monetary support to do it#which feels bad because I like making comics for free#ITS GONNA BE FREE TO READ#I just mean like having pressure on my audience to pay me to keep my comics going#but it's sorta just the unfortunate reality of things that like#I'm working for webtoon because they pay me#they don't do anything else for me really#if anything they sorta bring me down HAHAHAH#not. that's a whole other rant but. it's fine it's a work relationship. with a corporation.#BUT YEAH#I've really enjoyed getting to make a comic and put it out there for free and not need to beg people to support me to create it#that's been an absolute dream#but to continue that dream to deliver stories to people on THEIR terms#where the comic doesnt get ended too early#and I dont have to put my foot down to include trans characters#and all that shit#I think if it works. it will be worth it#but FUCK it is a huge risk HAHAHAHAHAHAH#pre-emptively asking you guys to be prepared for that future hahahahahahaha#asks#key-the-kitty
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youtube stop recommending me that five hour long “fall of doctor who” video challenge. there is not a video i could be less interested in watching.
#the youtube clickbait hyperbole is not doing it any favors. im sure there’s nuance in the video. maybe.#god there must be its five hours long.#but i do not think i am interested in a video that wants to be about ‘the fall’ of doctor who when. far as i can tell. seems more like#occasionally it stumbles. and that’s about it.#AND thirteen being the doctor that’s on the thumbnail is also not helping. im sure im making assumptions there too and its just that she was#the current doctor at the time but. this is youtube. you have a negative video. and you put a woman on there. i am primed to believe you are#about to say something insanely sexist lmao.#anyway. whatever.#its a me thing. i dont like watching negative epic teardowns™️ of stuff im not finished with myself. and doubly so when im unfamiliar with#the creator and don’t know if they’ll just be stomping and yelling at something for hours with no purpose or if they’ve got. anything#to actually offer. idk. it’s the shovelware lover in me i think. im not interested in someone’s negative opinion about a thing unless i know#they’re the kind of person who can respect that people still had to put months or years of work into it. maybe that work did not have a#good outcome but someone had to do it. the effort is worth being documented and looked at and not. i don’t know. yelled at like you’re the#nostalgia critic you know? im rambling on to much here#this is why the only good youtube video is folding idea’s video on the american tail video game. he gets it. its about how bad art is still#worth existing and being examined. and doctor who is far from being bad. so.#………..where was i going with this. its 4 am.
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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i don't know who at bandai's marketing department was responsible but they could maybe watch their own anime before they make embarrassing statements about it because there's nothing "up for interpretation" in there. they deserve all the backlash they're getting for this.
you'd literally have to be homophobic or completely media illiterate to think that sulemio's relationship is ambiguous or somehow up for interpretation. 🤡
#g witch#i dont think the marketing department gets what g witch was about#or why it was successful#it's like that one time when one of the LIS devs validated a homophobic LIS fan#who asked if max could be straight#and they were like “it's up for interpretation!”#and that was the last straw for me & i quit the LIS fandom#(for what it's worth i've forgiven dont nod bc they're at least trying to improve)#i want cishet ppl to understand that this is not something you can be neutral about#when your work is queer or queercoded and homophobes are asking for validation there's only one right answer#the secret is this: you can't make everyone happy!!#not taking a side is being homophobic in this situation i hope that helps#the bandai situation is funnier bc they can't do anything about the canon#the text is so unambiguously gay and they can't erase it 😎 enjoy your PR fuck up bandai i'm sure it won't be the last#mp
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So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything
Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds
#like. i went out earlier to get bread#just bread bc we cant afford anything else#got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like#our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off#and it usually wont switch off over weekends#presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway#so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday.#but then itll be at least a tenner in debt#then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is#or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing#and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days#we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen#like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its.#its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in#and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel#and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me#but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change.#whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness#tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s#like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but#dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon
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all my friends are pursuing their passions and dreams and living in other countries and moving out of their hometowns and the most exciting thing ive done all year is decorate my cubicle slightly
#i knwo it is bad to compare myself to my peers but ...#kicks rocks. i wanted to Do something with my life but i dont know what to Do except for .? exist ?#i never thought id get this far and never had any like. dreams i thought were worth pursuing rlly#which is to say like. im happy for my cubicle job i like stability#but like. i dunno. i want More out of my life i want to Have Fun#but liek my whole life its been like. Find Stability and once youre older you can enjoy!!! only if youre stable !#and my friends who have been able to Move or Travel have. yknow. the means to#so leik idk.. maybe im just in a bummed mood today thinking ant things thst couldve been#i (as a person) am a Wasted Opportunity i think. as in i am a waste KFKSJFKSKF#ne way im gonna jerk it later and get over it methinks#liek i am pathetic and can hardly do anything other than Work but umm ... umm .. at least i umm... idk...
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like sry i was literally an autistic child whos Biggest special interest was hp for Years. and then i found out abt her being a terf and i realized how much shitty ideology Literally was in the books (all the shit with that journalist and like. the names of the characters of color being ... that. and the house elves. And the shit eith lupin. And) and it soured the entire thing 4 me. i have genuinely no sympathy 4 ppl who r like wahhh but i have autismmmmm andd umm i liked harry potter when i was a kid so you cant take it from me >< like damn if u cant survive on this planet without your racist transphobic childrens books Maybe you should just die.
#like. i wont deny that i rly loved those books at the time and there r some aspects that like. i recognize certain bits of it as things that#i still enjoy in media today. but like. i can find the things in other better works by other better authors. yk ...#but what do i nose.#my room was . this is so embarassing. it was literally h*fflepuff themed . humiliating. i had a hp themed lightswitch cover. banner above my#bed. we bought wands and shit. Huuuumiliating. embarassing. but i was rly rly into it#idk. i think everybody needs 2 shut uo abt it forever Iiii do not care#like..yk. i do think death of the author to an extent but like. the racism and transphobia etc is literally In the books. like. as major#plotpoints. you cant just Look away from it yk. and even if you did miraculously take it out i dont think theres enough left there to make#it anything worth talking abt. but whatever
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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ok really struggling to find balance i think i might log off again till thursday, you know the drill, queue keeps ticking you probably wont even notice im gone
#if you notice anything its probably just oh thank god theyve shut up lmao#nyxtalks#im sorry to keep vagueing about my mental health all the time#i cant let myself talk about it properly because i become a monster when i start#theres a reason i have no proper friends#theres a reason i have exactly one person who talks to me from before i started this account (and its someone i didn't talk to at the time)#i cant talk about it but at the same time i cant keep it entirely in#or i can but only under complete isolation#i cant explain that but i feel out of control. i need to let it out somewhere or it festers#i don't know why it matters i struggle to perceive people as real#do you really exist?#jesus. i should really go harass the nhs for mental health support#i want to be better#i dont want to put in the work. i dont think im worth it#if you read this#i am so sorry. why am i like this
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I have written a script and it does what it should but something is wrong with it also. And i just.... Why is every line and logic step a struggle. Ha.... And now it's genuinely beyond me. Or maybe beyond me at twelve a.m. but I look at it and there's so many for and if statements wrapped up in eachother and I'm like. WHY IS THE TOUCHED EFFECT FIRING MULTIPLE TIMES. HOW DO I DISCONNECT EVERY TOUCHED EVENT BUT THEN - and I don't know the underlying logic of collectionservice.
And like. None of this matters..it's all complete bullshit. If my mum were here she'd let me know that it's a hobby not what's most important in life. But what's most important in life is gone...?
#and im not contributing in my work to anything and i dont believe truly anymore thay there is anything to contribute to#like really... i dont think society is worth saving anymore intrinsically i just live here#and im smart#im pretty smart i do believe i have analytical capabilities that could be used for improvement of things#my stuff#personal#and im not seeing any future for myself#im not even living in the present#anyway#its insane how good my life would have been for the next twenty years#now its nothing just utterly nothing#and even worse i got one year my brother didnt even get any#and even worse and even worse and even worse#and i was finally coming into my own#what use is life if - like - what the hell are you supposed to hold on to?#just a robot now really
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I believe I deserve a sweet little treat [He has done nothing important for the past week]
#i am so fucked#don't let them see this!#i could always go to the kitchen - Above the fridge ;-)#siiigh to have things i enjoy. the worst. ever.#i really dont wanna be god im so fucked but im so tired. and i dont want to be yelled at but i dont want to do anything#i feel like just. lying down and not getting back up. nap time. oreverrrr#i really wish i could live carefree doing whatever#guh. is it even worth it to try?#im just going to end up all. eugh.#sure. it was great last year. but uhghfhfhg so quiet and so hard and so. bluh.#i really dont wanna wake up on monday#so stressful all the time#im either stressed but enjoying and spending time with friends or stressed and alone but people are proud of me#maybe we should cut off interests for a while - it could fix hims stuff.#i wish i could focus#i dont know why so hard recently#uhhhghĥhhhhhhh#i dont think i deserve to sleep but im so tired but i need to work on things#god i want to kill myself - you can't!! youve taken too many vows to die now
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i have to drive for like two hours tomorrow and all i can think of is old people
#snap chats#i always call them old but i never think of them when theyre ACTUALLY old....#im lying. kinda. LISTEN I TRY TO THINK OF OLD ARASAWA BUT I JUST THINK OF DIVORCE#if you know me from kh you know two old men being divorced has not stopped me. its fueled me ever. still crying over the novel brb--#BUT I JUST DONT HAVE TOO MUCH MATERIAL. I THINK. my brain puny.#i cant even think of anything to do WITH that tho. like sure i have an idea or two but nothing i think is worth executing#2019 the saddest year for the elderly i just think they should be happy#cant believe arakawa gave jo full custody this is so sad. jo is this what you wanted it should be but--#tbh tho i told myself id do some comm sketches to have them ready for tomorrow#and that as a reward i could draw The Guys but im chillin with my sister and now im distracted#shes doing work and like. every five minutes she keeps saying 'this is bad' she lit just said it as i typed this LMAO#point is bro i need my fix. i just looked through the pixiv tag for them for the like. ninth time#it never updates and most of it's n/s/f/w and/or ads for doujins but still#i take what i can get dawg theyre just so funny to me. im going insane like actually its so bad tonight apparently#ok bye lemme go ACTUALLY work so i can cook my food. so to speak
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love my digital art class but god it is filling me with rage and hatred for adobe.
#my post#i hope im able to use my tablet in classes when i transfer#bc good lord. this shit is impossible#i would be done with this project already .. but im not even halfway through.#its due on friday too and i cant get adobe illustrator on my laptop and work on it outside class bc adobe wont fucking COOPERATE WITH ME.#its trying to make me pay. girl the school is already paying for it for me what the hell are you talking about. let me in#i should talk to the professor..oogh but theres so much other stuff i havent done for either of the classes i have with this professor#bc of that unnecessarily long quarantine i had to do right at the beginning of the semester putting me behind#and i would feel bad abt asking for an extension for whats basically the only assignment ive actually done for both of their classes#i would feel less bad i think if i had accommodations for this kinda stuff. but i never actually went to get any and now it wouldnt be worth#it bc im not gonna be at this school next semester. and i only have these two classes that i have anything to do for#oh right this post is abt adobe#.. i dont think id be able to fully finish this assignment on time even with an extension#bc adobe illustator. like i said. is filling me with rage#it is so tedious and finicky and unnecessarily complicated and doesnt have the tools i like and i cant find a fill tool or how to make the#eraser smaller and im using a fucking. mouse. a mouse that i cant right click with btw bc we're using apple computers and the mice are lite#rally just one button.#i love this professor and i enjoy the projects but good GOD. i hate the tools so much#maybe ill ask them for an extension and if i could do it. not on adobe
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