Was talking with a client tonight (the one who I'm basically talking through coming out) and she keeps doing the "oh what if I only want to be a girl sometimes :(((( actually I don't tooooootally hate being a man every second of my waking life, sometimes I dont feel anything at all" and then she was like "ask me if I want to be a girl" and i responded with "do you want to be a woman," and like her answer to those two questions were obviously very different and I think it speaks to the fact that like, we internally know and understand the stakes of transition, right?
Like we understand that by doing the thing for real, by becoming a transsexual or by coming out at work or in our larger lives that we become a target and the way the world interacts with us is going to fundamentally change. Many of us were acted upon as faggots before we came out, but many of us weren't. For some of us, it is a much larger step down than others.
But no matter what our lives were like before, once we start to do the damn thing, the world is going to act upon us as women. And it's easy to stick in the fantasy--a life of being oneself without all that, living in our mind palace where we get to be 'girls' without having to be women--but until we actually acknowledge and accept what transition means for us materially, we have no hope of actually achieving it.
And once we do accept that, the question becomes "is it worth it?" For many of us, the answer is quite clear--the other choice was death by one form or another. But for others, especially those of us who are slightly older, the question becomes more difficult. There may be something for us to lose here. And if you fall into that second group, I ask you this:
Sure, you can live with it. You can keep going, as you have proved yourself able to do for however long you have done it thus far. You may be able to keep yourself stuffed in a box, only taking yourself out for the odd hour here and the odd hour there. You can keep going as you are. But do you want to? Is external ease worth more than internal peace?
They say courage is not 'acting without fear,' but rather 'acting despite fear.' Transition is scary and I can't deny that. But I think you have it within yourself to be courageous.
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all sides of you!
the five love languages rin shows to you
itoshi rin x reader: fluff, hcs/drabble, not proofread, likes n reblogs are appreciated <3
words of affirmation
- at the beginning, i think hes a lot more averse to saying romantic stuff so its more of in a long term/after months of dating
- mainly leaves sticky notes/passes notes during class/at home with what he wants to say ar rhe beginning
- after a while tho, he’ll try to at least praise you/compliment you irl then slowly tell you he loves you (altho rarely at the beginning)
- has a bunch of scribbled notes he never passed to you all filled with confessions/ things he wants to say that he eventually says at the back of his closet in a box (because he thinks its sentimental)
- a lot better at expressing his feelings and can say them without freaking out internally or stuttering before giving up and calling you a mean nickname to neutralise the compliment
- believes in a speak not tell but he knows communication is key so he’ll try his best so bear with him
- slowburn moment for this but its 100% worth it when he comes home from competition and all he can say is repeatedly whisper i love u into your ear as he pulls you closer into his embrace
physical touch
- again, at first hes a bit touch averse / awkward with hugs/kisses but after a while of dating..
- 100% super clingy esp after coming back from competition/bllk : his hands have to be somewhere on your skin, doesnt matter where hes not picky
- has to sleep with you, hugging you like youre his plushie (drools a little too btw)
- links pinky when you guys walk together doeznt matter where “you’ll get lost” excuse except his entire face goes pink at the touch of your hands
- really likes kissing your neck, he thinks its rlly cute when he can hear you & esp if it leaves a mark :p
- has piggy-backed you before even when youre not lying about your shoes hurting or being tired to be carried by him
- enjoys being babied ngl like he loves it sm when you pepper his face with kisses while he just lies there or when you comb his hair with your fingers: he feels like hes in heaven esp after stressful days
quality time
- tries to see you everyday : either through school/going to yours/his house, dates, or even facetime call
- calls you every night when hes overseas btw and during breaks he’ll try to text you back n reply to your messages
- the type to make up excuses just to hang out with you like “oh i need to get new shoes, come with me” even though he has 2038839 different pairs and then have to huy another one because he cant be caught (you can tell)
- wld go on “study” dates where he just stares at you 3/4 of rhe time and actually doesnt finish any of his “assignments”
- has gone on hangouts where both of you just chill in silence n rlly likes it because theres no pressure to do anything and its kind of calming/relaxing esp after having to deal with teammates n whatnot during work
- wld watch you play games/do anything while he sits beside you, just enjoying your company even if he craves a little more but thats alright by him
acts of service
- lowkey such an act of service guy like even pre-relationship even if he makes excuses for him bc hes trying to be #idgaf
- the type to rush to your home with meds/food/everything if you text him youre sick after missing school
- i feel like. he just kind of enjoys the peacefulness of like cleaning and would do it whenever hes stressed (ignoring the loud music he listens to)
- would bring your necessities sometimes, and ends up at some point lending a hairtie to reo (he has a pack of hair ties bought for you at all times)
- anytime he goes out to get food/on the way home, he’ll always get a portion of what youd like just in case, and doeznt mind just eating it as leftover if you dont want it
- has a notepad on his phone on your favourite orders (drinks, meals, desserts etc)
- if youre forgetful, he’ll text you to remind you : whether that be to attend events/eat lunch at proper times/buy something
- would go back to the store if he didn’t buy what you wanted/if you wanted something else without any hesitation as long as it makes you smile even if he doesn’t admit it
- would learn how to take pictures for you on his own accord : you didn’t even realise until one day you pass him your digicam and suddenly he was an expert photographer compared to just months ago when. you started dating where his hand was blocking the camera
giving gifts
- has a matching necklace with you at all times and its his lucky charm and he’ll 100% kiss it before a game / when he wins the game
- shared wishlist on online stores except he stalks through yours and buys them for you randomly to surprise you
- if you have something spoiled/doesnt work as well, doesnt matter if its a home appliance/jeans that don’t fit etc, he’ll buy one for you without any hesitation when he goes out/on his phone
- gets you trinkets/keychains/stuff that reminds him of you including any sanrio/anime/designs you like / even your favourite food ie. chocolates/candies/chips from different countries he goes to for matches
- would notice if you wore his gifts or not and try to buy more things that you like more ie. if you like silver accessories more, he’ll buy more of those
- even during school days, he would 100% blow his money on arcades if you like to play claw machine/those rhythms games and watch you play and sometimes if you don’t get it, he’ll try to get them after his football training for you and pass it to you as nonchalantly as you can the next day
- always buys matching things: that bracelet he bought you? yup he has an exact pair in his drawers, feels its more meaningful and intimate
- if you ever ask for anything, just know he’s willing to give you that and the whole world and even the whole galaxy
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Wait wait wait, I saw in your tags that's Time and Time Again is ending soon? But I've only just found it! (through the animation you did, it and your comic are so well done)
Ah, yeah.
So by "soon" I really mean "sooner than I think I would like" and it feels much sooner to me as the writer than I think it will to you all as the readers.
But, Time and Time Again is pretty much exactly 2/3 of the way through right now. Webtoon gave me the end date before I even finished my first season, and I've been trying to fit in all the things I wanted to get into the story before it ends...
It's why my hiatus has been taking so long, I'm trying to write to get as many moments and as much development as I possibly can, with really limited time! And... also admittedly to prolong how much longer it's sort of "around" in my life.
Because I know once it is over, I'll move on to the next comic! and 3 years just doesn't feel long enough to have Adam and Steve in my life haha
But, yeah. it's getting "close" in a way that it's starting to make me sad. like this time next year it'll probably be over.
It's okay of course, it's the nature of stories that they will end. I'm working really hard to make it satisfying despite Everything, and I'm really proud of everything I've done so far.
And my next comic will be even better for what I've learned here!
So, sorry to everyone, but I promise I'm gonna make it worth it.
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