#don’t be a coward mattel

[ladychandraofthemoone]

Cleo

Quick sketches of Cleo as a Fowler B6 so I would like her a little bit more and you know steam Road locomotives are a thing Mattel don’t be cowards!!! She’s an experimental freelance steam road locomotive in my Au, very much the Ivo Hugh of the roads considering she’s the youngest of the bunch. She occasionally works with the Jack at the Sodor Construction Company doing odd jobs or helping Trevor at the orchard. baby girl got so many family figures. At this point she has the entire pack, (Yes even Max and Monty)Winston,Trevor, Caroline, Elizabeth,butch Terence,Algy,Bertie,even Harold and Hubert!! She’s doesn’t even realize it. shes bffs with sandy cause that one audiobook I listened to.

[fancoloredglasses]

He-Man and She-Ra (the Eternian power couple)

(Thanks to Animated Cartoons for Children)

[All images are owned by Mattel and Filmation. Please don’t sue me]

I’ve reviewed He-Man before, but now I’m dealing with the original series (still not touching the movie, unless you really want to torture me see it reviewed)

First, let me introduce you to...

...Prince Adam, heir to the throne of the planet Eternia. Gotta say, not many men in the 80s would be confident enough to wear pink and pastels (homophobia was pretty much the norm then), but you do you Adam! When the need arises, Adam unsheathes the sword he always carries (why? The man always runs at the first sign of danger!) and utters his catchphrase, then suddenly...

...he gets one hell of a tan, his hair gets a bit darker, he rocks some impressive booty shorts...and that’s it. NO ONE can figure out Adam and He-Man are the same person, despite the fact that their faces and musculature are exactly the same! (maybe that’s why Adam wears pink. There’s no way someone as manly as He-Man would look (from an 80s point of view) so effeminate)

Adam has a pet talking tiger named Cringer (and yes, he’s a bit of a coward), but when Adam becomes He-Man...

...Cringer becomes Battle Cat. Now, there can’t be that many green tigers out there, so you can’t tell me someone can’t do simple math and figure this out!

He-Man has a number of allies (each sold separately) and all seem to have a similar body design (almost like the toy line only has one body mold for each gender!), but only a handful are aware of Prince Adam’s double life.

A woman known only as the Sorceress possesses magical abilities, including the ability to transform into a hawk. She is the guardian of a fortress of great magical power known as Castle Greyskull.

Orko is the comic relief court magician (and the only one whose body doesn’t conform to the factory standard, due to being from another dimension)

Duncan, the kingdom’s Man at Arms, is a brilliant weapons designer and father to...

Teela, the captain of the Royal Guard (who, unlike the others, doesn’t know Adam’s double life)

But of course, a hero can’t be a hero without villains to thwart.

The biggest threat to Eternia’s peace is Skeletor and his many minions (each sold separately, naturally) Skeletor is a powerful sorcerer who covets the power of Castle Greyskull, and with it he can conquer Eternia! MYHAHAHAHA!

He-Man ran for two years before Mattel (the company that makes the He-Man toy line) realized that girls might want to have action figures of their own, so...

(Thanks again to Animated Cartoons for Children)

Now, you may be wondering why Princess Adora of Eternia is on Etheria and why she was never seen or mentioned in He-Man. The answer is simple: she was kidnapped as an infant and Adam didn’t learn of her existence until the Sorceress sent him to Etheria to find her and deliver to her the sword meant for her.

Who kidnapped her and why? We’ll get to that in a moment. For now, let’s introduce you to The Great Rebellion.

First we have Adora, former officer of the Horde (who the Great Rebellion is greatly rebelling against) However, when she speaks her own catchphrase, she becomes...

...She-Ra. Even with the longer hair and mini-dress, She-Ra doesn’t look that much different than Adora, so it’s hard to believe the Horde hasn’t figured out the connection between this all-powerful hero She-Ra and the deserter Adora.

Much like with Cringer, Adora’s transformation changes her horse Spirit into the Alacorn known as Swift Wind.

But She-Ra doesn’t battle alone. After all, she’s an ally of the Great Rebellion!

Bow is one of Adora’s friends in the Great Rebellion, and more than a bit chauvinistic (oh, he doesn’t demean his female comrades, he just feels the need to make sure there’s a “big strong man” to protect them. Naturally, he usually needs She-Ra to pull his fat out of the fire)

Kowl is...well, I guess he’s best described as the Great Rebellion’s mascot. He’s also one of the few who knows Adora’s secret.

Angella is the leader of the Great Rebellion and the rightful ruler of Etheria.

There are a number of other members (each sold separately), but Bow and Kowl tend to be the main members of the Rebellion who go on missions with Adora.

Now, if you have a Rebellion, you need something to rebel against, and Etheria has the Horde, a galaxy-spanning empire...

...commanded locally by Hordak. His hordes of Horde soldiers (mostly armored robots so the Great Rebellion has things to “kill”) are led by his lieutenants, including...

Shadow Weaver, a sorceress who can affect her victims’ minds.

Imp, a shape-changing spy who loves tattling on his fellow Horde members in order to curry favor from Hordak

Mantenna, the comic relief Hordak’s punching bag err, actually, that seems to be mainly all he’s good for.

As I mentioned earlier, there’s a reason why Adora was kidnapped, and it all comes down to revenge!

Hordak’s conquest of Eternia was thwarted by Eternia’s forces and the power of Castle Greyskull, so Hordak intended to steal Adam and Adora (with the help of his trusted lieutenant Skeletor) They managed to grab Adora, but were interrupted before they could complete the set. Hordak fled with Adora, leaving Skeletor to face the music alone.

Of course, this being Filmation, there are PSAs and life lessons that are subtly (and not-so-subtly) bashed over kids’ heads, that are explained in the closing moments of every episode.

Netflix has done reboots of both series. She-Ra is widely acclaimed (in part due to the sort of female empowerment the series’s producer brought to her other creations: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and The Powerpuff Girls) The He-Man reboot...not so much. However, neither series acknowledges that the two are related.

I have plans for a He-Man-centric review by the end of the year, but if there are any episodes of either series you would like to see reviewed, please let me know!

[bodytothefifthpower]

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My hEART. 😍

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

Hazbin Hotel Anti: *redesigns high femme character by giving her big harry muscles and arms/ironically ripping off Panty & Stockings art style whilst removing any semblance of sexuality and making these female characters who are supposed to be 20+ look like unwashed, neglected agender children* So i made her less ugly i guess... UWU

Me: Now what does shit like this reminded me of...

Unhinged Abled Bodied Mentally ill Autistics in The Monster High Fandom posting their angry unhinged redesigns like they really think they’re doing something:

hey mattel...... u cowards........ SQUARE UP!  UWU

Mattel, “SQUARING UP”:

Me: Oh yeah no actually you definitely just made her uglier .... :(

Also me: Also at this point for all the complaining about wanting back the original, there should just be like, an actual adult oriented meta parody of the actual original G1 Monster High franchise geared specifically towards the adults who grew up with it and I’m talking a Shudder Exclusive Film for mature audiences but honestly given how campy, ridiculous, perverse, and downright mean the original concept could be at times and the way I’ve seen some people react to Rob Zombie making his own version of The Munsters I don’t think some of you would be able to handle the sharpness of the edge required to make a fun satire out of something like this.... There I said it.

[rebelliouslyeverafter]

dsaffdgdds i feel like we don’t talk enough abt the fact that Raven is like... Apple’s aunt. I know they don’t come out and say it but that’s because Mattel is COWARDS when it comes to the darker implications of this series.

Like... in the book  there’s this scene:

Raven stopped dead in her tracks.  “So, wait, would I become your stepmom?”  “Huh?” asked Apple.  “In the story. Wasn’t the Evil Queen Snow White’s stepmom?”  “Well, she was in our parents’ stories, but…” Apple stared, as if trying to fathom… but, no, it was unfathomable. She shook her head.

So doesn’t that “she was in our parents’ stories” kind of confirm EQ was Snow’s stepmom? Plus it wouldn’t really make sense to find a new Good King, who is Raven’s dad in the books. Like... that’s the story.

[tmabutlesbian]

 ‘Kay, so round 2 on the random TMA headcanons of mine that Just Make Sense:

- if Danny were alive and met the archival staff, he’d have a boy crush on Martin, which would make him question his sexuality, like, all day, everyday - Martin and Sasha are platonically married and it’s just a joke among the archival staff but Jon never got the context so this poor man was just walking around the archives absolutely confused out of his mind - okay so like, you know the Trixie Mattel (yes the drag queen) laugh? Sasha laughs just like that, no you can’t change my mind, she’s very put together yes but her LAUGH sdftgyhjk - I’m not over the fact that Annabelle has a lil lisp, it’s killing me in a gay way, and gOD she so got bullied for it as a child, you just know it dude - imagine if the archives had like a goth week, where everyone had to look goth and shit, s1 scenario here, Elias doesn’t try just wears black, Sasha and Tim coordinate and it’s either so good it hurts or so atrocious it also hurts, Jon doesn’t try at first but then he’s like ‘fuck it’ and fucking kills them on sight with his dust covered clothes from uni, but MARTIN (in my head) has an alt goth cousin whom he loves very much so he’s like ‘hey,,, can you help me here?’ and my boy truly is the real winner every single day. Sasha has never felt straighter, Tim has never felt gayer, and Jon’s questioning things - I’ll draw them, one they, I will ^^^ - ^ I’m still not done, Martin with smudged eyeliner??? hELLO????!!! Black LIPSTICK????? HELLOOOOOO?????????!!!!!!!!!! BLACK NAIL POLISH ?’?!?!?!?!??!?!?!? TFUGYHUKLRJKIDSGFPOÇLKFERLF - (anyways) Jon’s fav type of kiss is forehead kiss ‘cause it makes him feel like a very good cat who deserves a lil peck on its lil forehead - Martin love Florence and the machine and you can’t tell me otherwise, it’s illegal to do so, also AURORA cause he has taste and also many feelings - Sasha and Tim know every ABBA song by heart but Sasha can sing them all beautifully, Tim has his passion to make it up for his kinda not good but also could be worse singing skills - god, I’m thinking abt my magic AU and damn,,, Daisy working on a farm and growing out her hair and learning how to make flower crowns and gOD I’m but a simple lesbian- - Daisy has the cabin safe house for the reasons stated bUT she also wanted to, y’know, with Basira, and stuff, but she’s a coward and awkward so,,, welp! - for some reason, I think Melanie and Jane Prentiss would have like a similar clothing style? Idk why but I do - Martin has a thing for men wearing skirts/dresses/crop tops, so you can imagine the amount of gay sweating he would have if he were dating both Jon and Tim, two men who really do feel nice whenever they wear skirts/dresses/crop tops - OMG Annabelle for sure wears a corset. Oh god. Pretty woman wear corset me lesbian die oh no - Melanie has a sleeve tattoo. Of what? Idk tell me, but she has it on at least one arm - between his 15 to 18 years, Martin dyed his hair like cotton candy like mostly pastel pink but you’d see some purple and some blue here and there. He’d dyed it black when he got in the Magnus Institute tho - when he was still transitioning, Tim didn’t like his voice that much so he was basically mute for some of his teenage years, so Danny took it upon himself to learn every lil sign and tic and gesture of his brother so that they could still communicate, so long story short, Danny and Tim could have conversations without words with no problem - Daisy has heterochromia, one blue and another green, so it’s not super noticeable from far away - Melanie bottoms and you know it - (controversial) Daisy is sub dom and Basira is power bottom, and no you can’t change my mind - this one is obvious but Georgie is very much still alt and goth from uni - Mel and Georgie had their feelings epiphany when they were doing that sapphic thing of doing each other’s makeup, don’t know what for but that’s what made it click for them - (just fyi whenever i talk abt Daisira it’s NEVER in the context of canon, like no, it’s always like an AU. With that said) Basira and Daisy don’t really kiss much but they do like forehead touch a lot, they like putting their foreheads on each other - cows do lay down and sleep on Martin’s beautiful thick legs and every single time he sheds a least a lil tear (he loves cows so much and honesly? same)

[dinotriple]

You know what else we should be manifesting? More diverse body types in the new monster high series and dolls!!!! Cmon Mattel you’re perfectly capable of doing it don’t be cowards

[locktobre]

I thought about how I would end DA today, and it would actually fit as a canonical movie if mattel weren’t cowards who suck. anyway this would have been exciting to me 3 months ago but now it’s just like 🤷🏼‍♀️ too bad I don’t care anymore and will do nothing with this

[davethot]

ALL 36 BARBIE MOVIES RANKED... WHY DID WE DO THIS

Please............. for the love of god view this list. Help us. We worked so fucking hard... and for what?

My roommate/best friend and I ( @kar-queen ) decided to watch ALL 36 BARBIE MOVIES and then rank them from worst to best. This adventure was inspired by the YouTube video by caitlovesdisney where she also ranked every single Barbie movie. However, we wanted to do our own list since some of her choices didn’t reflect what we thought. Her list was still so awesome and I respect anyone who decides to watch all these Barbie movies. We did this because of sheer curiosity and for the sake of very scientific research. 

We thought it would be fun at first. We really did. And it was? Kind of? Just, Jesus Christ. We can no longer see pink. I have night terrors about Barbie’s ugly ass animal friends. It truly was An Experience and has left us feeling dazed and like we never want to rank things ever again. We weren’t planning on posting a written out ranking of these movies anywhere (since we were just doing it for fun between us) but we wanted some physical evidence of our labor since this whole experience took 50 years off our lives. 

Under READMORE we will rank the 36 Barbie movies from WORST TO BEST (36 to 1). HOWEVER, THERE’S A TWIST. We are ALSO ranking them based on how GAY they were (and trust me, it yielded more results than you would originally think). That way we could both get through these movies by spicing things up a little bit. Hit readmore if you’re not a coward.

DISCLAIMER: Barbie is a staple for kids and overall teaches them that anyone (though more specifically girls/women) can do/be anything, which is extremely admirable. We have no issues with Barbie as a role model for kids and this list is all in good fun. However, we are going to point out things that either frustrated us or seemed downright harmful for kids to watch and take after. Clearly Mattel/Barbie has taken great and necessary steps to be more inclusive and progressive, especially in recent years compared to their older movies. 

ANOTHER MILD DISCLAIMER: In some of these movies Barbie’s character is not named Barbie, but we’re just going to call every main girl Barbie to keep things simple and easy. Just a warning. 

ANOTHER ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: This is going to be long since there are 36 movies. Even if you read all of this you will only feel a fraction of our pain. 

WITH THAT, LET’S START WITH SOME HOT GARBAGE. LET’S GO GAMERS. 

36. BARBIE IN PRINCESS POWER (2015)

Starting out with at the fucking bottom lads. My roommate and I were foaming at the fucking mouth watching this movie. It’s so hard to explain why this one pissed us off so much because it was nearly every single goddamn aspect of it. Here’s some bullet points to make this go by quickly and painlessly. 

- She’s a princess but then she ALSO gets super powers??? So she’s already extremely privileged, rich, and lives a comfortable lifestyle, but then she gets powers when A MAGICAL FAIRY BUTTERFLY KISSES HER CHEEK? LIKE LITERALLY JUST KISSES HER CHEEK AND BOOM SHE HAS POWERS. 

- Her powers are really fucking boring. All she has is super strength and she can fly. 

- She treats her best friends/side kicks like shit??? These poor girls (neither rich nor princesses) dote on this fucking girl and do everything for her behind the scenes while she sucks at being a super hero. It’s really infuriating. 

- There’s a side plot where she lets the fame get to her head. So, she starts snapping at everyone around her and just being overall a total bitch? Also her sister gets powers too and they like, fight over this said attention. Stupid. 

- At the end of the movie she apologizes to her sister, but never to her friends or the other people she walked all over? Absolutely infuriating. We don’t know how else to describe this film. Barbie was so rude and unaware of the kind of privilege she had and acted spoiled the entire time, which is why it’s ranked at the complete bottom. 

- Also there was a romantic interest, I think????? He was a reporter? Don’t remember his name. Doesn’t matter. They didn’t get together. Also the fashion and colors in this movie are horrendous. Like c’mon guys. 

Oh also how could we forget. GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all. So aggressively heterosexual.

Also: We know that Barbie is usually a princess in all of these movies and usually we don’t really care, but this one was especially bad when it came to her acting so fucking privileged. I swear we’re not insane this one was just so bad when it came to that. 

35. BARBIE AND THE SECRET DOOR (2014)

This one isn’t going to be as long or intense as Princess Power (which literally had so much wrong with it that we barely covered any of it). This one was just so offensively ugly. And boring. And stupid. I hated it so much. 

This is also another one where she’s a princess and she whines about how her life is so hard? 

In the beginning, she talks about how all she does is lay around all day and read books, and then later sings a song about how she wishes she could lay around all day and read books? Like, we stan a bookworm queen, but she acts so ungrateful for her lifestyles and then never mentions liking to read again when the main adventure of the movie starts. Just overall dumb and boring. 

Also this is so fucking ugly. Did we mention that this movie is ugly?

I don’t know who approved of these backgrounds and colors but they’re just so hideous like it literally gives me a headache. 

GAYNESS RANK: Pretty heterosexual. Barbie doesn’t have a love interest which is kind of nice and the two girls she meets are cute friends, but not enough to be noteworthy when it comes to gay. 

34. BARBIE A PERFECT CHRISTMAS (2011)

For being centered around Christmas, this didn’t feel like a Christmas movie at all. It tried to follow the typical plot of “We had a great Christmas planned but then oh no! So many things went wrong! But in the end all that matters is that you’re with your family and that’s what Christmas is all about :)” but they somehow managed to fuck that up? This movie is so mean? Barbie’s sisters are awful to each other, and lash out multiple times, especially at the youngest sister. Even if they tried to make up at the end the whole film felt very mean-spirited for a Christmas movie. 

The message about family was lost when they were more concerned with streaming a band performance rather than spending time with each other. It just was not great overall and left a very sour taste in our mouths. Would not recommend to show a kid around Christmas. 

GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all. Pretty heterosexual. Skipper (the brunette) kind of had this weird thing with her girl friend that lived in New York but it didn’t really go anywhere. Her friend was never shown on screen, anyway. 

Also the movies really fucking ugly. We’re not even going to mention the horrendous pink Christmas trees. You’re welcome. 

33. BARBIE MAGIC OF THE RAINBOW (2007) (also known as Fairytopia 3)

Being the 3rd movie in the Fairytopia series, it’s by far the worst. The portrayal of Barbie/the main character was very obnoxious and careless. She was automatically good at everything she did on the first try and it was honestly so unrealistic and didn’t teach a great message at all. 

It also just, like, had these fairies attend school? To strengthen their powers, I guess? It wasn’t really explained. Barbie was very mean to a another fairy and even if they made up at the end it didn’t feel genuine. I think they were just trying to milk this Fairytopia series for everything it was worth and I’m glad it stopped after this one. 

Her bf in this one wasn’t bad, though, he was pretty sweet. He could talk to animals which was charming. 

GAYNESS RANK: Mid-tier. Even though she fought with the one fairy they had a pretty intense rivalry thing going on, which was pretty gay. Even though she had a bf they kind of barely interacted since Barbie was so engrossed with the other fairy. A few gay points I guess. Though those few gay points get taken away when her annoying fluff ball Bibble gets an ugly fluff ball girlfriend. Stupid.

32. BARBIE IN A MERMAID TALE (2010)

Okay, like... I barely watched this one so my roommate took the fall. So, I’m going to quote them for this: “This one was just written badly, objectively. The pacing was horrendous. The story was very contrived. *long pause*....... That’s all.” 

Yeah I don’t have much to say about this one either. I remember Barbie being bitchy towards her friends and her guardian. When a magic dolphin asks her to help she’s just like “no, fuck you” for literally no reason at all? She surfs but it’s not even that cool, so... wasted potential.

GAYNESS RANK: There’s not nothing? Some potential. Her surfing buddies hang around and she hangs out with her mermaid friends as well. Other than that, though... :( (I promise there will be Barbie movies that are gay just wait) 

31. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN A PUPPY CHASE (2016)

This movie... is so strange. We hated it so much, but it was also kind of ironically hilarious??? This is the second movie in the “Barbie and her Sisters + Puppies” series (which are terrible) but this one was special in how awful it was. 

Barbie is SUCH AN IRRESPONSIBLE SISTER. So they go on vacation to some tropical island and Barbie’s youngest sister has a dance recital to practice for, but Barbie just straight up tells her to not practice?? LIKE??? BARBIE?!

They also end up fucking deserted on this island. Everything you can think of goes wrong for them. It’s honestly incredible. At one point they’re stranded outside in the rain only eating granola bars by a fire. Barbie tries to cheer them up by playing this STUPID game called “imagine if” where they just name things that they wish would happen??? 

Oh and at the end Barbies sister ends up winning her dance recital when her whole family and an entire entourage of animals dance with her on stage. Cause, like, yeah, that’s totally fucking fair to the other contestants. 

GAYNESS RANK: All of these Puppy movies are absolutely not gay at all bc it’s literally just Barbie and her sisters with some puppies. Don’t expect too much.  

30. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN THE GREAT PUPPY ADVENTURE (2015)

This is the first movie in the Sisters + Puppies series and it’s pretty much just as bad as the other one, but at least Puppy Chase was funny. This one is really boring. Also forgot to mention that the puppies talk. It’s very annoying and absolutely ruins the movies. 

This movie on the surface kind of has a charming premise where they all go on vacation to the countryside/the midwest and experience a lot of small town things, and yet it doesn’t feel very genuine? As someone from the midwest I can confirm. 

Barbie and her sisters go on this treasure hunt that apparently their grandfather died trying to solve, and yet they manage to solve it within a couple days? caitlovesdisney explains it pretty well in her video if you wanna hear more about Puppy Adventure. I know you’re just dying to know more about Puppy Adventure. 

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie at one point talks to another woman who isn’t one of her sisters. Super exciting stuff. 

29. BARBIE THE PRINCESS AND THE POPSTAR (2012) 

Okaaaaay, like....... this one made us really. really. mad. 

So we’ve already mentioned how Barbie acts super privileged in some of these movies, but this is the one that made us notice it. The basic premise is that there’s a princess (Barbie) and a popstar (Who Cares) and they want to switch lives. 

But the thing is they already live amazing lives? So the other Barbie film that this one borrows from (The Princess and the Pauper) loses its meaning and drama? Instead of a rich girl and poor girl trading lives, it’s just two rich girls switching lives. 

ALSO! There’s this side plot where, within the castle, they have this tree that can GROW DIAMONDS? AND THAT’S THE SOURCE OF THE KINGDOM’S WEALTH? AND YET, LATER IN THE MOVIE, THERE ARE POOR PEOPLE LIVING IN POVERTY. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIAMOND TREE FOR?????

The only saving grace for this movie was that Barbie and the popstar were extremely gay. Like, having posters and pictures of each other in their rooms, gazing at each other dreamily from balconies, and subtly being very touchy-feely every time they’re together in person. That’s pretty much the only reason why it’s a bit higher than some of the others. 

GAYNESS RANK: One of the gayest ones. There are so many side glances and yearning. Shoulder touches and all that. We totally shipped these two by the end. In a different universe, in a better movie... these two could have been super cute together. 

28. BARBIE THE PEARL PRINCESS (2014)

Not much to say about this one. I hated it a lot more than my roommate did and I’m the one typing this all out sooooo I get the final say. I hate this movie so much. Barbie, once again, acted really privileged and was super unlikable. At one point she gets a job at a hair salon, which is kinda nice I guess? But then she’s automatically good at it without even trying? So... fuck off. 

Also there’s a seahorse with hair and it looked so ugly that I constantly wanted to cry. Please free me from the sleep paralysis demons that are the Barbie animal sidekicks. 

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing to report. The couple girls Barbie hangs out with were barely in the movie so there were no vibes. Sad. 

27. BARBIE IN ROCK N ROYALS (2015)

We’re getting to the mid-tier Barbie movies that we don’t have much to say about. My roommate and I just found the concept of this one to be really dumb? 

The outfits were very ugly and the singers were really bad. But there was a main character who was a black girl, which was really nice to see! They also went a little more punk than the typical frilly stuff which was nice to see. Not the worst but still ranked pretty low cause of the dumb premise and just being pretty boring overall. 

GAYNESS RANK: This one was decently gay, pretty mid-tier. Barbie had a great potential romance with the other main girl and the way they interacted was very sweet and cute. They both had male love interests but nothing really came of it which is kinda funny. Not too much going on but enough to get a mention. 

26. BARBIE PRINCESS CHARM SCHOOL (2011)

This was SO FRUSTRATING because it started out STRONG, but then crashed and burned really quickly. 

The movie starts out with Barbie working her ass off at a little diner to make ends meet at home. We see how her guardian can’t work and that she has a little sister and a home to support. It was really charming to see Barbie hustling to make money and felt so much more down-to-Earth than a lot of the other Barbie movies where she’s a princess and has everything she wants. 

Long story short, she wins this drawing to be enrolled in this Princess Charm School where you can learn to be royalty. In the end she finds out that she was the lost princess all along and then everything that was mentioned at the beginning is completely abandoned once this is found out. Just... super disappointing how a relatable Barbie depiction ends up being a princess all along :/

Also the fashion in this movie was super disappointing. They somehow managed to make preppy school girl outfits look bad. Sad. 

GAYNESS RANK: This one’s pretty much on the same level as Rock n Royals. There was some potential with Barbie and her friends but not much else. Next. 

25. BARBIE IN A MERMAID TALE 2 (2012)

Absolutely nothing to report. There’s some more surfing action in this one compared to the first one which is really nice. 

Imma be real with u chief... I barely remember what happens. She meets an Australian girl? She gets tricked by a French fish into transforming into a mermaid? Villain from the first movie comes back... Australian girl gets caught in a whirlpool... They save the day. 

There’s a pretty shitty part where the Australian girl wins the surfing competition but Barbie still somehow gets all the reporters’ attention and gets a sponsorship. It was sad and tbh we didn’t like that part. 

GAYNESS RANK: Gayer than most. Her and this girl have a rivalry which is pretty cute. They playfully tease each other while surfing all the time and tbh I could totally ship it. The Australian girl’s pretty spunky which is refreshing. Too bad her Australian accent was so obviously fake it was distracting. 

24. BARBIE FAIRYTOPIA (2005)

This one gets the award for the most boring Barbie movie. We both could not even try to bring ourselves to pay attention to this one, even if my roommate was nostalgic for it. Bibble was a highlight just cause we made fun of him the whole time but it was a short-lived high. That’s all. Here’s a creepy picture we found of the main character.

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie doesn’t have a love interest at all, which is like, a point... She hangs out with the blue fairy and they’re kinda cute. Not much else, though. 

23. BARBIE FAIRYTOPIA: MERMAIDIA (2006)

My roommate is really nostalgic for this one since they grew up with it, and yet they found it hard to pay attention at all. As did I. It was pretty boring. About a week went by after we watched this one and my roommate was trying to talk about it but I literally did not remember watching it until they showed me a picture of the ugly ass snail with huge lips and it jump scared me. You had to be there I guess. 

They were mermaids... Bibble was there... typical Barbie shit. This image pretty much perfectly describes how enthralling it was to watch this. 

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie and the blue mermaid are a little gay. The love interest was pretty funny and cute. He did have a thing for the blue mermaid so a couple gay points get deducted. 

22. BARBIE THE 12 DANCING PRINCESSES (2006) 

We know this one’s a classic, but we just found it to be very boring? I know this seems like a trend but we swear that we didn’t think all the Barbie movies are boring, it’s just the middle of the list. The dancing in this one was kind of nice and there was an interesting subplot where this lady was slowly poisoning their dad. 

The only thing that seemed silly was when they would stow away to the magical island... Like, why? The lady banned dancing but they could have just danced in their rooms. No one ever went in to check on them or they would have noticed they were gone anyway. So what the hell. 

Also Barbie and all of her other sisters looked exactly the same and it was hard to tell them apart. The love interest was pretty cute, though. 

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing, absolutely zippo. They’re all sisters and she had a nice romance with the guy so. 

21. BARBIE AND THE DIAMOND CASTLE (2008)

Gonna get this out of the way: There is basically nothing to report when it comes to the plot of this movie. Evil force upon the land. A villain. Animal sidekicks. Love interest/Ken who’s barely in the movie. Barbie defeats the evil and gets a new dress. THE END. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT.

THIS MOVIE... IS SO GAY?

This was at the top of our gay Barbie list literally the entire time (until it was dethroned, but we’ll get to that later). This story LITERALLY revolves around Barbie and her “friend” who: live together in the same house, write songs together, dream about living in a mansion together, garden together, sing while gardening together... LIKE?? Holy shit, lesbian goals. 

At one point in the film they find two heart shaped rocks in the river and make them into necklaces, which they both wear to solidify their “friendship”. We are not making this up. This entire movie was comprised of us looking incredulously at each other every time they stared longingly at one another or mentioned how much they need each other. Evidence:

GAYNESS RANKING: Not gonna say it again. Top-tier gay. However, amazingly, not the gayest. We’ll get into that later. Regardless, we stan two beautiful lesbians living in the woods together where all they do is wear heart-shaped necklaces and sing songs about being rich one day. Amazing.

20. THUMBELINA (2009)

A Barbie movie with an environmental message, which is fine, I guess... Overall we just kinda found this movie annoying, but still a little bit better than other ones that were either insulting or just downright boring. Ferngully for babies? 

I... Wish I could say more. I’m sorry. It’s fine if you were going to show it to a kid, I guess. We also thought this one was kinda ugly as well. 

GAYNESS RANK: There are the two friends and we got no vibes. Absolutely zippo. Next. 

19. BARBIE MARIPOSA AND HER BUTTERFLY FAIRY FRIENDS (2008)

Another one where we just don’t have much to say? We’re now entering the “fine” category. I wouldn’t be really mad if someone made me rewatch it, but I wouldn’t be happy with it either. 

Barbie is also a bookworm in this one, but it’s done a lot better than Secret Door. It’s kind of nice how she’s considered an outcast in this one and has to work through that. Her love interest (Carlos, we remembered his name!) was funny and brought life to the movie. Overall pretty okay!

The bunny sidekick was kind of ugly, though. Can’t win in every category.

GAYNESS RANK: Has some promising potential, but doesn’t really deliver. Disappointing but not awful. 

18. BARBIE MARIPOSA AND THE FAIRY PRINCESS (2013)

This one is a lot better than the first! Surprisingly, this movie deals racism in a way that is easily digestible for children while also not making light of the issue. It’s not perfect, but we found it to do its job pretty well. 

It centers around Barbie meeting a princess (Barbie isn’t a princess for once, yay!) and while the two want to be friends, the princess is a crystal wing fairy and Barbie is a butterfly wing fairy, so the princesses father objects to them being friends. 

Also great time to mention that this was the second gayest Barbie movie for many many many reasons. And trust us, topping Diamond Castle is no easy feat. 

First of all, there are SEVERAL scenes where the crystal fairy princess is completely disinterested in what’s going on but, as soon as Barbie walks in, she gets really excited and gives her her full attention. It’s EXTREMELY cute. 

Second, there’s a Beauty and the Beast esque scene where the crystal fairy gives Barbie an entire library of books, since she remembers that she loves books. They also proceed to bond over what kind of books they like and watching them geek out over that is adorable. 

Third, they sneak off to a cave so that they can hang out without the crystal fairy’s father (the king) finding them. They then go to skip rocks on a lake and the ripples make rainbows. They also dance together at a ball, and there is just so much lingering eye contact and small touches. They’re cute and we ship. 

GAYNESS RANK: ALMOST top of the list. SUPER close. Not quite there, though. We weren’t expecting this one to be as gay as it was since it was a sequel movie, but thank god it was. 

17. BARBIE VIDEO GAME HERO (2017)

This... is a weird one? The basic plot is that Barbie is a programmer who makes video games. She gets sucked into a video game and they need her help to rid the game of viruses. We’re really conflicted about this movie so this will benefit from some good ol fashioned bullet points. 

- It’s really cool that Barbie’s a programmer and likes to play video games, and she’s not a princess! It was very nice and modern of them to include a story like this. Very refreshing after 30 or so Barbie movies that revolve around her being a princess.

- There’s a lot of side characters who join Barbie on her quest, but none of them are interesting or memorable...

- The art style changes between “levels”, and while a cute idea, they don’t take advantage of it enough! There are only three art style changes in the whole movie, and two out of the three are really ugly. 

- There is so much Just Dance product placement in this movie. It’s cringe. 

- The plot of this movie literally... makes no sense? They say that once Barbie wins the level, the viruses attacking that said level will be destroyed, but throughout the movie every time she wins they still don’t stop??? So that’s why she had to have a bunch of characters follow her around so they wouldn’t get attacked by viruses? SO WHAT IS SHE WINNING THE LEVELS FOR?

- This movie was probably the most baby out of all of them. While there’s nothing wrong with that, it was kind of a shock after we were watching all the other Barbie films, which are more targeted towards children to tweens. This one felt like it was for toddlers. 

- Overall this movie wasn’t bad, just very strange. Would maybe recommend? Fine for your kid to watch if they want something casual and fun that involves a girl gamer. Gamers rise up. 

GAYNESS RANK: No gay vibes at all, which is not a total epic gamer moment. Probs because this movie was very very baby so the vibes were nonexistent. Too bad since Barbie met up with a lot of cute girls. Gaymer oppression never ends :(. Press F.

16. BARBIE DOLPHIN MAGIC (2017)

We did it lads. We found The Gayest Barbie Movie that has Ever Existed.

Before we get to that, though, I hate to admit that this is one of the Barbie’s Sisters + Puppies movies, but it’s kind of hilarious because in this one they completely remove the puppies talking. I guess someone smartened up and realized that that was stupid and dumb. Thank god for them because it made the movie infinitely better. 

Plot is simple: Barbie and her sisters are on vacation and while they’re visiting the most boring man on Earth (Ken), an emerald dolphin gets trapped by an evil marine biologist who wants to sell the dolphin for money. Then a mermaid named Isla (yes we remember her name because she’s incredible) goes to save the dolphin with the help of Barbie (with minimal contributions from the others). 

I know we raved about how Fairy Princess was very gay, but just......... wow......... The difference between this and fairy princess is that Dolphin Magic literally has an entire scene dedicated to Barbie and Isla swimming together very closely with ethereal music, littered with cute giggling, lingering shoulder touches, and extended eye contact. Oh, also can’t forget the hand holding.

Don’t forget about the necklaces they give each other so that they can stay connected with each other no matter where they are in the world. There’s even a scene at the end where Isla mentions how Barbie kept trying to contact her multiple times off-screen, only validating Barbies insane girl crush on Isla. 

This may or may not be photoshopped but tbh I don’t give a damn. 

GAYNESS RANK: The gayest Barbie movie. These two were so adorable throughout the entire movie and we couldn’t even get into everything that made it so charming. There were many scenes where Isla was learning how to act like a human that were so sweet and endearing. Great Barbie movie if you’re looking for something sweet with some obvious lesbians. Go team. 

15. BARBIE NUTCRACKER (2001)

We had a lot to say about Dolphin Magic since it was gay, but now we’re getting back into the “it’s fine” category with Nutcracker. 

This movie is sweet and it’s pretty hard to fuck up a Nutcracker adaptation. There wasn’t a ton of ballet which was a little disappointing? They also didn’t play the whole soundtrack and stuck a lot of the good songs right at the end, which was odd. Our only real complaint was it kind of wasted its potential and it was slightly boring. 

Other than that, it’s a sweet Christmas movie if anyone really likes Barbie and the Nutcracker. My roommate grew up on the Nutcracker so regardless it can be pretty nostalgic for some. 

Also, Barbie is beautiful in this movie. 

GAYNESS RANK: There literally is not another female for Barbie to interact with in this movie. There were a couple guys who could have possibly given off vibes but we felt nothing so. 

14. BARBIE A FASHION FAIRYTALE (2010)

If there’s anything to say about this one, it’s definitely... interesting. 

So in this universe, Barbie is an actress, and she plays herself in a bunch of pre-existing Barbie movies (many of which that have already been mentioned on this list). It’s extremely meta and a little confusing???

Barbie basically gets fired from her job, Ken dumps her, and she goes to find herself in Paris with her fashion designer aunt. The most interesting thing we can really say about this movie is describing the beginning, because that was the best part by far. 

It’s also revealed that Ken did not actually dump her, so there’s a really charming side plot where Ken travels all the way from LA to Paris to sort it all out in person through a spontaneous act of romance. 

Ken ABSOLUTELY makes this movie. We quote him a lot when we’re just hanging out in the apartment. He is so cute and funny and loves Barbie so much, it’s adorable. Absolutely worth the watch to see a true himbo in action. 

Also, Ken and Barbie kiss at the end and we’re p sure this is the only movie where Barbie actually kisses any of her love interests. Fuck yeah. 

GAYNESS RANK: There’s no gayness, but that’s okay, because the romance between Barbie and Ken is adorable. I never want anything to get between these two :’)

13. BARBIE IN A CHRISTMAS CAROL (2008)

Not much more to say about this one other than it’s a Christmas Carol but with Barbie. It was interesting to see Barbie in a “Scrooge” role where she has to relearn how to be caring and kind. It was pretty down to Earth and felt very Christmas-y and festive. 

There was a very sweet plot of Barbie reconnecting with a girl she used to sing with as they were growing up. It was also interesting to see that while Barbie was growing up, her family would force her to practice singing rather than letting her go outside and live a normal life. This made Barbie feel a little more down-to-Earth. 

Sorry, we don’t really know what else to say. It’s fine. The cat is very ugly, though. 

GAYNESS RANK: There’s a scene at the end, after Barbie reconnects with her friend, where she’s holding her hands and giggling a lot. It was really cute to see them be friends and to be excited about the holidays together. A couple gay points were deducted since her friend did have a love interest, though.

12. BARBIE AND THE THREE MUSKETEERS (2009)

Not gonna lie, this one was a little... disappointing? We were really excited for this one since it’s a lot of people’s favorite, and the concept of Barbie being a musketeer (and not a princess :)) is exciting and fresh. 

The beginning of this movie was great!! Seeing Barbie practicing in the barn with her animals was just really sweet. She was wearing a cute outfit with pants a vest and the HAT. 

Though, as it went on, it started to drop off for us. The reveal of the musketeers at the end was really underwhelming, and we thought the outfits were a let down compared to Barbie’s earlier outfit in the movie. 

Other than those things, this movie was fun!! Watching all the girls be badass and learn how to fight with their unique weapons was awesome. Watching them team up was really satisfying. The prince guy was also pretty sweet. We would recommend watching this, esp if you remember it being your favorite.

GAYNESS RANK: Has a lot of gay energy!! There are a few scenes where people are outwardly sexist towards her and yet she strives to prove them wrong. When she meets the other girls, they are coached by this old lady who can kick ass. Even though it could have been gayer it was a good time.

11. BARBIE A FAIRY SECRET (2011)

Some people may be mad that we put this above Three Musketeers... whoops. 

Anyway this movie solely exists to give us more Amazing Ken content. This movie takes place in the same universe as Fashion Fairy Tale, so it’s the same Barbie and Ken from that movie. 

Our only complaint is that they took the domestic feel of Fashion Fairy Tale and turned it into something that had so much unnecessary magic?? Though at the same time we got A Vibe from this movie that the creators just wanted to make something silly, and it worked.

Ken is HILARIOUS in this movie, even better than Fashion Fairy Tale. Even though everyone turns into a fairy, the wings that they give Ken are small and pink and he can barely fly with them. It’s just so... funny? He also... mock-fights this other buff fairy guy?? Idk this movie is really hard to explain, sorry. We would definitely recommend this even if just for Ken. 

GAYNESS RANK: Ken is a himbo so he automatically attracts the lesbian crowd. There’s also a plot with Barbie where she makes up with this girl who had been mean to her for the longest time, but it’s done in a way that just feels... really gay? Or at least the girl is kinda gay and Barbie doesn’t exactly realize (since she’s in a committed relationship with Ken). This movie feels like it would be more appealing to gay people rather than being gay itself.

10. BARBIE AS THE PRINCESS AND THE PAUPER (2004)

A lot of people are probably going to be surprised that this isn’t in our top 5, but we want to stress that this movie is good!! These top 10 Barbie movies are getting into the territory where we would absolutely recommend them because they are cute and fun, and this is exactly that!

The songs in this movie are great! However, we do have to be a little bitter towards it since this started the trend of musical Barbie movies, and many of them are shitty and bad compared to this. 

The villain of this movie....... *chefs kiss* We also quote him constantly. 

This is an example of a Barbie movie where she’s a princess but it’s very endearing and done well. She rarely comes off as spoiled. She’s very smart and brave, and we see this through her actions rather than the movie just obnoxiously telling us that she is. Also the romance between the pauper and the king was very sweet. 

GAYNESS RANK: While this was a great set-up to be gay, it doesn’t follow through. We’re not bitter about it, though, since their love interests were very sweet. Pretty straight of them to have their cats fall in love, though :/

9. BARBIE AS THE ISLAND PRINCESS (2007)

When we first watched this one, we thought it was extremely boring and we were going to put it kind of low, but the more we thought about it we realized that it really did have a great plot.

They brought Barbie to civilization from her deserted island and people start getting sick, so they’re blaming Barbie for bringing diseases when in reality it’s the villain using rats to poison people’s food. Also, it was so charming and interesting to see Barbie’s love interest want to be an adventurer, and he had so much more personality than a lot of other Barbie Princes. While he’s not on Ken’s level, he was so sweet. 

All in all this one definitely had one of the tightest plots with great characters that really endears you to them. It’s a little slow but def worth the watch.

GAYNESS RANK: One of the least gay ones... Not mad though, the love interests were great. The peacock was kinda gay so... love wins. 

8. BARBIE OF SWAN LAKE (2003)

People will ALSO be surprised that this one is so low compared to other people’s Barbie movie lists. Please, trust us, we’re not crazy, it’s just... when you’ve watched 30+ other Barbie movies the initial charm of this kind of wears off. We both are very nostalgic for this movie and yet that couldn’t even bump it into the top 5. 

A couple things we can praise: The toys were AMAZING, Barbie’s dress is BEAUTIFUL and ICONIC, the dancing and music were very gorgeous. The dancing in this movie was mocapped from real ballet dancers, so, very nice.

But... the forest animals were kind of annoying? Their outfits were kind of cute but they were still annoying? The villain’s daughter’s VOICE was just... HORRENDOUS. With the villain in Princess and the Pauper, the guy’s voice was comical but it didn’t completely take you out of the movie. This chick, however, was being so over dramatic that it wasn’t even ironically funny, it was very cringey... Just bad voice acting all around. 

Also this movie was a lot more boring than we remember. 

REGARDLESS OF ALL OF THAT, this is a CLASSIC Barbie movie and we would still recommend checking it out at least once (and rewatching if you haven’t seen it since you were a kid). 

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing gay to report. Next.

7. BARBIE IN THE PINK SHOES (2013)

Another... strange one. 

So Barbie is a ballet dancer about to do a performance and when her shoes break down, she goes into a store room and finds a pair of pink ballet shoes. When she puts them on, she and her friend are teleported into this alternate dimension??? Where all ballets ever are happening at the same time??? And she’s the main lead for all of them?? At once?? And there’s this ice queen villain who controls people by making them dance???????

This was the first Barbie movie we watched (we put them all in a wheel and let that decide our fate) and it sure did set the tone. 

Plot doesn’t matter though, we need to talk about... Them. Only Pink Shoes fans will understand. 

So, there are these two guys... and they’re just like... really gay??? They inspired us to apply a gay ranking to these Barbie movies, if that tells you anything. One in a prince and the other is a commoner/hunter. There are so many scenes where it cuts away from Barbie to focus on these two playfully bantering with each other (enemies to lovers 100k slowburn)? The hunter guy teaches the other how to shoot a bow and arrow by touching him and guiding him into the right position? There’s also a scene where they meet back up with Barbie, but they only have two horses, so instead of Barbie riding with one of them they ride with each other and give her her own horse??? Respect women juice...

They also show up at the end just... together? (in real life not in the... Pink Shoes dimension) and it’s not explained what they’re doing together or even what their relationship is (friendship or otherwise). It truly was bizarre. 

GAYNESS RANK: This was on top for quite awhile since it was the first movie we watched. Unfortunately de-throned by Diamond Castle when we got around to it, but we still STAN these himbos. 

6. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN A PONY TALE (2013)

I... okay hear us out...

This movie is bad. Like, objectively it’s very very bad. It’s a baby movie, a Barbie and her sisters movie, it’s a horse girl movie, on top of everything... and yet... 

We probably had the most fun watching this one, like, we were glued to the fucking screen. We cried laughing multiple times because it was just so charmingly bad. 

Plot isn’t important, since my roommate and I keep forgetting what the real plot is. We only care about the British boys from the rivaling stable and how they just breeze in and out and run away on their horses laughing like frenchmen... even though they’re British. One of them uncannily resembles Malfoy from hp and is a sidekick to the main guy, it’s a little weird. 

There are also these two British kids and the girl is super weird? Like weird girl representation for real. Also there’s this Phillipe guy who was so fucking funny to listen to. Here’s Phillipe, you’re welcome.

Fuck you I’m not resizing the image. 

Oh also Barbie finds a magic horse with a pink mane. Phillipe wants to like, kill her for it, I guess. Yeah. 

GAYNESS RANK: While super fucking funny, not a lot of gay. It makes up for it with the mere presence of Phillipe. 

5. BARBIE AND THE MAGIC OF PEGASUS (2005)

This and the next entry are both tied for 4th place since it was extremely hard to choose between the two. We were both nostalgic for this and the next entry, but we were also really excited to find out that both of these are great movies!

So me personally, I was a horse girl growing up, and I ADORED this movie. I didn’t think it would be so good upon rewatch, but it actually was! The plot was pretty tight, the villain was fun, it felt like a genuine fairytale, the characters were cute and fun, and Barbie was intelligent and resourceful! 

Check this one out if you haven’t seen it, but now we’re going to talk about one of the best aspects of this movie, which is Barbie’s love interest. 

Unlike every single other Barbie bf, the love interest in this one (named Aiden) was literally almost a better character than Barbie herself. For the first time EVER they decided to give a Barbie love interest a BACKSTORY. And, like, a GOOD backstory. It made him feel like a real person and his story pulled at your heartstrings. 

Also, him and Barbie do not automatically get along, and for a decent amount of time they have witty banter with one another. It really lets their characters shine through the movie and was SO refreshing. 

We could rave about Aiden all day, but you guys should just go watch it for yourself, it really is worth it!

GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all, but fine since the romance is so great. Moving on!

4. BARBIE AS RAPUNZEL (2002)

This movie is just... good. And not even good for a Barbie movie, it’s just a well-written movie overall! The plot was tight and remained interesting without being too complicated, either. Barbie’s animals were also pretty charming (even if the rabbit is ass ugly, but it’s 2002, they get a pass) and likable compared to other Barbie sidekicks. The dragon even has a little arc of her own??? Hell yeah. 

Don’t really have to explain the plot, it’s Rapunzel. The only difference is that she has a magical paintbrush that can teleport her to places that she paints, which helps the story progress. 

It also really did feel like Barbie was in mortal danger, which is so unlike every other Barbie movie. I was really glad to have grown up with this movie being my first exposure to Rapunzel, since I believe it’s a great introduction to her (and the toys were awesome, lol). This was another movie where Barbie being a princess was really great and charming since it felt earned since she went through hard times. 

Okay, like, we literally cannot go any further without mentioning something, stay with us...

In the movie, there’s, like, this weasel/ferret thing that belongs to the villain. He’s basically an animal villain, or whatever. 

I don’t really know how else to say this other than there’s this scene where he asks the villain to give him the rabbit and he outright just... moans????? The voice actor just... lets it out. It literally sounds like he’s getting a hand job in the recording booth in the middle of the line and just lets it all out and they kept that shit in, and then animated it???? 

We really wish we could include a video exclusively of that scene, but the best we can do is just link the video and give you a time stamp (37:49). PLEASE watch it. We have been quoting it every single day since we watched the damn movie.

GAYNESS RANK: No gay. Nothing to report. Barren. Probably the least gay. 

3. BARBIE SPY SQUAD (2016)

All due respect to the original queen caitlovesdisney, but like, she’s wrong about Spy Squad. Listen. 

This movie was SO MUCH FUN. We were literally just glued to the screen and having a great time watching these three girls chase after this cute af phantom thief chick??? They had tons of cops-and-robbers dialogue with her and it was just... FUN. Almost like a thriller, tbh. 

caitlovesdisney did make a great point in her video when she mentioned that they were actually pretty bad at being spies, and we can totally see why this would be super frustrating to people if they were watch. However, my roommate and I didn’t mind? We thought it was charming that they weren’t automatically great at something and that they had to practice a ton to get better. So much more refreshing compared to other Barbie stories. 

The elephant in the room, though... we have to talk about Lazlo. 

Barbie’s friend (Theresa) has the cutest fucking romance with the boy who builds all their spy equipment throughout the movie. They’re both really nerdy, but they don’t shove it down your throat and act annoying about it? It literally just comes up in casual conversation between the two of them and they just have fun talking about things they like. It was so fucking cute and it made the movie that much better. 

GAYNESS RANK: This movie is REALLY REALLY... APPEALING to gay people, even though it’s not really gay itself. The phantom thief, the spy outfits, all the girls riding motorcycles, the leather, the cool spy equipment... It just felt like it would appeal to a lot of gay people (and it did, cause we fuckin liked it). This movie is good. Please watch it and don’t let its low ranking on other lists dissuade you. We are right and they are wrong. 

2. THE BARBIE DIARIES (2006)

Before yall say anything, we know that this movie is fucking ugly. We clowned on some of the other movies for being ugly but this one truly takes the ugly cake. 

HOWEVER, that did not prevent this movie from being good. We fucking loved it. 

FIRST OF ALL, Barbie is in high school???? Which was so fresh to see???? There’s no magic, no princesses. It’s literally just a down-to-Earth teen drama movie involving Barbie, her friends, a love interest, and some mean girls. 

This had a really interesting plot that was actually kind of... complicated???? Dare I say??? We’re not stupid. There was just so much going on involving couples breaking up and getting back together, Barbie changing her motivations, how her friends react to what she’s doing, just... so much.

The only real criticism we have of this one is that the apology in this one was pretty rushed and didn’t feel Barbie’s friends should have forgiven her so easily for the shit she did. Other than that, though, this was a pretty great teen drama that I would highly recommend. I would definitely watch this one again, regardless of how ugly it is. 

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie had a clear love interest with a guy that was super sweet (sorry we didn’t mention him but he’s one of the better love interests, love u Kev) but mean girl teen drama is always a little gay? Plus how she would go back and forth between social circles was interesting. Also her and her friends are in a band, which is always cool and appealing to the gays, at least. 

1. BARBIE STARLIGHT ADVENTURE (2016)

We did it. We made it to the end. If there’s even one person who read this at all I would thank you but... you’ve lost along with us. BUT AT LEAST WE GET TO TELL YOU ABOUT STARLIGHT ADVENTURE. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This movie came out NOWHERE and fucking PUNCHED US IN THE FACE. When the wheel picked this one, we were starting to get burned out, and thought that since this was a newer Barbie movie it wouldn’t be very good. Boy, were we fucking wrong. 

This movie is so INTERESTING and HANDS DOWN has the best portrayal of Barbie as a character. This took such an interesting perspective on space travel, sci-fi, a slightly dystopian YA setting... it has so much going on but never feels like too much. 

Can we just start with how GORGEOUS this movie looks and how CUTE Barbie’s design is?!

She’s wearing a VEST and PANTS!!!!! FUCK YES. 

Anyway, the plot: She lives with her dad on this deserted planet, and she takes care of the animals, while also riding a hoverboard competitively. She’s contacted by some galactic king to join a team and fix the alignment of the stars? (sorry if it’s not exactly right lol its 4am). When accepting, she also meets this girl that she had been competing with at hoverboard competitions, and they develop a really sweet friendship with each other and a few other friends/teammates. 

Unlike the other Barbie movies, we kind of understand why everyone else looks up to Barbie as a leader figure. She makes decisions confidently and goes through so much character development. Even the villain goes through a sort of redemption arc, and it’s done fairly well!!! This is so much different from other Barbie movies. 

This feels like it could be, like, a legitimate movie that could be played in theaters rather than a straight-to-DVD Barbie movie. The animation in this was GORGEOUS, like miles better than 99% of the other movies. Plus, cute animal sidekick (FINALLY). 

We can’t gush about this enough, people should be made aware of this movie. It’s completely worth your time. IT’S ALSO ON NETFLIX. 

GAYNESS RANK: This is another one that’s moreso appealing to gay people rather than being gay itself. However, Barbie and the other girl that rides the hoverboard have a few really gay scenes, such as meeting up in a garden late at night and riding around. They giggle and laugh with each other and have a deep conversation about life and shit while staring up at the (gorgeously animated) sky. That def gets some points. 

That’s it those are all the 36 Barbie movies ranked based off of nothing but pure............................ hubris? Stupidity? Pride? I don’t know. I’m so sorry. We fucking hated watching most of these. 

Except for Starlight Adventure.... You can stay.

[moomingitz]

After spending some time watching through the movies/TV specials, and getting loose second hand dolls for customizing purposes, I can now say with confidence that Monster High slaps.

Mattel seriously needs to quit being cowards and get Garret Sanders back on board to properly bring back Monster High. I don’t want to hear that there would be no money to make by doing so, either, because from what I’m seeing it still has a very active fan base even now, one where people are more than willing to drop money for second hand dolls that aren’t even for customization purposes.

[artificialqueens]

And So We Run (ch.13) - Traumathicc

A/N: I did it... I actually finished this chapter! I’m not sure how I managed to do it but I guess I got posessed by the spirit of mediocre writing or something along those lines. Anyways! In this chapter a new key player is introduced, and a deadly alliance is formed.

Laying low. That’s all you need to do. Out of sight and out of trouble.

You can sleep through the games if you hide yourself well enough.

Pearl has no idea how many times she’s repeated these phrases in her head already. She knew them before the bloodbath and she knows them now.

So where were they during that first day? She threw her rules out the window because she got greedy, and she almost ended up with a knife in the chest.

She did manage to get a kill in. A little worth the trouble at least, she supposes. She can’t imagine that Trixie Mattel would’ve posed a serious threat down the line, though. But of course, people do surprise you sometimes.

Today she followed her rules though. Watching the others from up in the trees. The forest is so thick, she’s rarely had to get down on the ground to move from place to place.

She saw that eccentric headcase who has the nerve to call herself Alaska’s partner fall into a pool of her own bile, only to beg for death from that coward from district 2. Pearl doesn’t hate Courtney like the reaper does, she just doesn’t understand her. It would’ve been so easy. It took a lot of willpower not to take out her rifle and pull the trigger herself.

She also saw Courtney joining up with her group and heading east. She didn’t follow them. The constant rustling of the trees would’ve become too suspicious in the long run. Instead, she continued north.

She spotted a girl with pink hair, similar to Trixies but not as big, walking down a forest path alone and unarmed. She seemed to be in a good mood, sometimes doing little skips instead of walking normally. She reminded Pearl of a cartoon character that was probably created only to sell toys.

Then Pearl had heard a metallic noise, and looked back down to find the girl lying down with a knife in her back. She’d gasped for air with her now useless lungs as Alaska had walked up to her, pulled the knife out and slit her throat with it. Alaska had then wiped her knife on a handkerchief, tucked it back into her belt and carried the body off the road.

Then she’d just walked away like nothing had happened.

“So the rumors are true… you’re as emotionless as they say…” Pearl had thought to herself.

“A perfect high district marionette.”

It was as impressive as it was off putting. And Pearl realized she didn’t quite understand Alaska either.

Around fifteen minutes later someone had started screaming. They were too far away to be seen, but Pearl was no stranger to the sound of pain. Whoever was making these sounds would probably be gone within the hour, at best.

Well, it’s not like it was Pearl’s problem.

The rest of the afternoon went by without any notable events. She ate some raspberries off a sad looking bush, and as the sun started to set she pondered where she’d spend the night. The previous one had been spent under a bug infested heap of tree roots, and she was, and still is, definitely not intending on returning there.

Like before, she’s continuing north towards the upper end of the forest. Night has finally settled on the arena when the smell of roasting meat suddenly surrounds her. Pearl just sighs and cocks her rifle.

She doesn’t have time for this.

“If you’re going to shoot me, then shoot me. Well… unless you want a bullet in the head of your own?”

Cold steel presses up against the back of Pearl’s head. She grits her teeth.

“O’hara.”

“Spiteful…” The voice laughs. “Now, are you really going through with this? Or do you want a place to sleep?”

“What makes you think I’m going to f-“

“Because you need me, Liaison. Just as much as I need you. It’s not just everyone for themselves in this game. Not yet. The Reaper…. You’ve seen how she handles things? Bossing around her minions like some sort of camp sergeant. I want us to be equal. We could win this together, you and I… Now be a good girl and drop your rifle.”

O’hara still has her gun pressed against Pearl’s head, and her other hand has sneaked it’s way around her wrist, caressing it with her thumb. The smell of meat is filling her nostrils and making her head feel light, and Pearl realizes just how hungry she is. She swallows and closes her eyes.

She’s so tired.

The rifle makes a metallic clinking noise as it hits the ground. Almost immediately, the coldness disappears from Pearl’s head.

“I knew you were smart.” O’hara pinches Pearl’s cheek and walks over to her campfire. “Come sit, I’ve got enough rabbits for the two of us.”

They eat is silence. Although Pearl is sure she’s doing most of the eating, as O’hara seems to be watching her every time she looks up. It doesn’t bother her much though, as for one, this is one of the best things Pearl’s ever eaten, and two, she probably ate before Pearl got here.

“So” Pearl finally asks. “Where have you been?”

“Call me by my first name and I’ll tell you. Equals, remember?”

“You haven’t-“ Pearl sighs as the other girl shoots her an angry look. “Phi Phi.” She says in a somewhat defeated tone.

Seeming pleased with Pearl’s answer, Phi Phi leans back a little and crosses her legs.

“Been laying low, kinda like you, minus the snooping around part.”

Pearl visibly blushes and opens her mouth as if to speak. Nothing comes out.

“What, you think no one would notice? Just because some of us are lower district it doesn’t makes us gullible! Not that I mind, after all, it’s exactly why I let you live.”

Pearl just kind of looks down at her boots.

“You’re a seven, right? Who’s your partner? ‘S she dead?”

Pearl is silent for a moment.

“Violet Chachki. And, no. I don’t think she’s dead yet. She will be though, soon enough. At least if she keeps hanging around those weaklings she’s chosen to surround herself with.”

Phi Phi chuckles. “You’re not very close, are you.”

“Not at all. Not even back home. We were both considered prodigies, albeit for different reasons, and since we were the same age everyone just sort of pinned us against each other. Not that I cared. I- I think at one point I even admired her. What a fool I was.”

“Hey, if you want to talk about fools, we can always talk about my partner.” Phi Phi says in what Pearl guesses is some sort of attempt to reassure her. “All that knowledge about the Reaper, and never once did she utilize it to her own advantage! And then she goes and dies by the Reaper’s hand on the first day!” She smacks her palm across her forehead. “I don’t think I’ve felt second hand embarrassment that strong in my entire life!”

Pearl can’t help but at least snort at this. How could someone be that stupid?

“She should’ve just stayed at home with the forge where she belonged!” Phi Phi laughs and chucks a stick into the fire.

“So both of us are partnerless, huh…” Pearl wonders out loud.

“Not at all.” Phi Phi replies. “Like I said. It’s the two of us now, Pearl. And together, we’ll bring this arena to it’s fucking knees, starting tomorrow.”

She walks over to Pearl and cups her face in her hands.

“Put your faith in me, and I’ll make sure you’ll have food and a place to sleep until we make it out.”

Pearl nods.

Then she gets up and takes Phi Phi’s hand.

”Only if you do the same for me.”

Something glistens in Phi Phi’s eyes. Something Pearl has yet to put her finger on.

”It’s a deal, then.”

[filthbear]

Do all the music asks. Coward. Please.

GET YOU! somebody’s trying to get me from writing the thing i’m writing. im gonna link them too bc why not

1: a song you can have on repeat

 susie save your love / allie x w/ mitski

2: a song from one of ur fav albums

 je suis rick springfield / jonathan coulton

3: a song u liked as a kid or teen

 bunk trunk slunk / be your own pet

4: a song that makes u feel strong

 cop car / mitski

5: a song that makes you sad

 change your mind / steven universe

6: a song that cheers u up

touch-tone telephone / lemon demon

7: a song that reminds u of ur friend (??? )

glasses / jonathan coulton

8: a song that reminds you of an ex

 a moment’s time / michiru yamane

9: a song that reminds you of urself

nonbeliever / lucy dacus

10: a song that reminds you of bad times

something about us / daft punk

11: a song that reminds you of good times

hum hallelujah / fall out boy

12: a song that grew on u 

ringtone / 100gecs

13: a song from a musical

starchild / ghost quartet (it has a full recording on youtube w/ the original cast now, go watch it)

14: a song with a cool music video

hidden in the sand / tally hall

15: a song you only like as a cover

patrick stump / tom traubert’s blues (i know it sounds NOTHING like tom waits i only like... A tom waits song)

16: a song you like better acoustic

moving parts / trixie mattel

17: a song with good lyrics

lazy line painter jane / belle & sebastian

18: a song for summer

fast talk / houses

19: a song for heartache

cough it out / the front bottoms

20: a song for car rides

sunday best / surfaces

21: a song for rain 

seigfried / frank ocean

22: a song for dancing

citylove red / badkid

23: i cannot pick a song for this one seriously. i keep thinking of how when we were at the first mitski show we went to and that couple was making out way too close to you while she was playing fuckin’ i bet on losing dogs

24: a song for a lover

 loverman / nick cave and the bad seeds or it isn’t REAL

25: a song from before you were born

idfk bye bye blackbird / george olsen (linked is josephine baker’s bc george olsen’s isn’t on youtube and i’m lazy)

26: a song from a defunct band

 smokey eyes / lincoln (he’s just one dude but)

27: a song u saw live

dan the dancer / mitski

28: a song you wanna see live

summertime / orville peck

29: a song from an artist u don’t usually like

slow dancing in the dark / joji (i don’t get him but this is alright)

30: a song you recommend

out like a light 2 / honeysticks

[shanie-the-toyaddict]

OK, To all my neglected WWE followers out there. I’m going to be working on a project.

I want to make a HOW TO post. Specifically, a post about HOW TO ASSEMBLE the various WWF Attitude Era Stables, NAMELY in the Mattel Line. Now, I’m sure you are asking, WHY WOULD I DO THIS? WHO GIVE HALF A SHIT... Well, *I DO* and it will mostly be a list for myself to keep tabs on any figures I need to get or assemble yet. I have a HELL of a start, currently, on my DX collection from about 1998 or so. Naturally, DX, along with certain other stables, will suffer from the fact that THERE ARE NO FIGURES in the Mattel lineup... But we will get to that. The Following are the Stables I am specifically interested in, and note, there is DEFINITELY some Crossover with these. 1. Circa 1998 D-Generation X.  2. Circa Early 1999 Corporation 3. Circa Early 1999 Ministry of Darkness

Naturally, I want to be able to have the figures, if I can to COMBINE numbers 2 and 3 to make the Corporate Ministry IF POSSIBLE. Anyway, Ima warn you now, pretty much ALL my images are going to come from ebay. I don’t mean to pic steal, but there is no real wrestling figures database to speak of. ALSO, in places where HEAD SCANS EXIST, but proper attire doesn’t I may discuss how to possibly CUSTOMIZE the figures. NOTE: I will likely NOT be including Jakks figures on this list, except POSSIBLY in the case where there exists NO MATTEL FIGURE. They are not always in the same scale and I just don’t like mixing them. That means, GUARANTEED, there will, as of NOW (7/21/19) Be NO available (Mattel) figures of AT LEAST the following... Chyna (for DX) Mideon and Viscera (for the Ministry) The Stooges, The Mean Street Posse, and Test (For the Corporation) NOW... I KNOW that Chyna, Viscera, and at least BRISCO figures are currently planned. Not sure about Patterson, I can’t remember if he has a figure yet or not. Sgt Slaughter I believe has SEVERAL figures out though. However, there is absolutely ZERO plans to make a Mideon YET, and I highly doubt we will EVER see Posse figures. So in that case, I will have to suffer through the collection being incomplete. Oh well. (MAKE POSSE FIGURES YOU COWARDS) Wow... just thinking about this... I had kinda forgotten just how STUPIDLY LARGE these stables were. Like DX was five people at the max. (Seven if you count the DX 2000 Abomination) But the Corporate Ministry? Like HALF THE ROSTER was in that stable. It was absurd.

Anyway, this is a project I am working on. I will be making further posts as I can. I MAY even show some of my personal collection off? Fun Fact, I somehow scored what, IMHO is the ULTIMATE Billy Gunn figure off ebay (loose) after someone had acquired a customized DX Billy and not realized it! So there’s that. Anyway, this is just an update. Will post more as I can.

[master-meddler]

Observations I’ve Made About The Twilight Saga Having Not Watched Any of Them Since They Hit DVD and Having Never Even Bothered With Breaking Dawn at All: Part 1

-the English teacher in New Moon sounds like Anthony Hopkins

-where’s Tyler? Where did he go?

-Aro’s lacefront is BEAUTIFUL

-All the blonds got their roots fixed in this movie and it’s what they deserve

-Rosalie’s finger wave? Stunning!

-I would die for Emmett tbh

-Would also die for Jasper, a sweet boy just doing his best

-Carlisle? That’s a man, Maury!!!

-Charlie has Big Dad Energy (observation made during Twilight)

-Edward is a Gemini, or FAKE

-Bottoms: Jasper, Alice

-Verse: Esme, Emmett

-Top: Rosalie, Carlisle

-Bitch- Edward

-Bella’s depression montage is really what depression feels like, which-relatable because I too am a millennial with depression

-Big Dad Energy

-I would kill a man for Anna Kendrick

-Bella’s brows got better and men are gross

-Jessica’s right

-Edward ain’t SHIT

-Jacob Black? A MAN

-His teeth are so WHITE

-Jacob is the most human character in the whole franchise

-Again, the appearance of Big Dad Energy

-I’m gonna need the hair stylist from the first movie to meet me out back of the Denny’s parking lot so we can have a conversation about all the blinds having visible roots

-Mike is every nervous white boy in every 80s movie ever

-*me showing up at the screenwriters houses wielding an axe and my creative writing minor like I’m in the world’s most pretentious reboot of The Shining* I just wanna talk

-again with the Big Dad Energy

-men in this film are TRASH

-ALICE JUST EMAIL HER BACK JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!!

-Edward probably salted the meadow before he skipped town like a bitch

-Laurant? Also a man, but still kind of a bitch with dreads that snap

-I’m just calling him Darwin now because he sure adapts to being dead all the damn time don’t he?

-Werewolves? In my meadow? It’s more likely than you think.

-Bella’s undereye bags have progressed from Michael Koors to fuckin Versace so could y’all just LET HER SLEEP

-Jacob was LIVING FOR THE DRAMA OF IT ALL

-Paul is a bitch name for a bitch person

-they yeet themselves into wolf form for the drama

(It was at this point our brains started melting out of our ears and we decided that sleep)

(8 1/2 hours of sleep and a good breakfast, we resumed at the more sensible hour of 1:48 pm from where Jacob becomes a bitch)

-why weren’t the vampires in this franchise gay like they are in pretty much every other vampire franchise? Just MAKE THEM GAY YOU COWARDS

-the Twilight franchise: sponsored by Jansport and only Jansport

-Laurant be lookin ashy as FUCK

-the first movies costume designer can fucking fight me because you can’t put these pale ass vampires in light colors because they look fucking PASTY AS FUCK

-the purple suit? Brown cow, stunning!

-Jacob’s a minor so give him a fucking shirt!!

-Jacob’s a Scorpio

-Erik is an under appreciated minor character with some good lines

-Edward dresses like a manager at the Gap

-the werewolf transformations are gay essentials because, to quote Katya, “it’s got height, it’s got momentum, it’s got drama!!”

-Erik and Angela are cut as shit

-Bella is Dumb Bitch Syndrome’s patient 0

-she’s going through it!!

-these movies get worse with age

-Alice and Bella should’ve been GAY

-Alice has a case of no-matchy (her face no-matchy her chest)

-Jacob is a BITCH with the AUDACITY

-Edward needs a shower and to burn his clothes

-why do none of the Voltouri Italian?

-Dakota Fanning? I’d die for her

-classiest elevator music

-why does Jane’s brother have Brendan Iris’s old haircut?

-Trixie Mattel whom? Aro is the only skinny legend I know!

-these weaves on Aro, Marcus, and Caius!

-*we started singing Johanna from Sweeney Todd*

-Big Dad Energy!

-Bella has HAD IT with Edward! OFFICIALLY!

-Rosalie is my wife and I would die for her

-Carlisle out here dressin like an adult Fed Jones from fucking Scooby Doo

-*my friends started turning it into a telenovela*

-*we decided to rewrite it as a telenovela*

-The Return of The Big Dad Energy

(I skipped Eclipse because I don’t care)

-Find a man like Carlisle who will buy an island and name it after me

-Bella’s brows are only getting better

-Emmett and Jasper? Two men for whomst I would die? Absolutely!

-Rosalie’s character arc and backstory are better written than any of the books or movies combined

-Renee? I love her.

-Bella and her anxiety? Relatable

-Sex on the beach? 100% not the tea

-Edward ruining a perfectly good bed is not the mood, but the montage is

-concerned husband? Absolutely!

-everybody’s eyebrows got better, actually

-so did their hair

-still wanna fight the hair and makeup crew from the first one

-Bella really is going through it tryna get that bomb dick and I respect that

-Breaking Dawn Part 1, 47:54 in, Edwards is standing like he knows he has to do it to em

-I hate that

-chicken, yogurt, and peanut butter? DISGUSTING!!!

-Emmett is the personified version of the “I love you...bitch. I ain’t never gon stop lovin you...bitch” vine

-Kaure? A native KWEEN

-BIG. DAD. ENERGY.

-why is Jacob dressing like the brown Captain America that we deserve?

-Carlisle has fuckin HAD IT! And so has Rosalie!! The whole family!!

-FUCKING HAD IT!! OFFICIALY!!

-jacob’s facial hair didn’t grow fast enough for the movie

-so sparse

-they should’ve just told him to shave

-Seth? A man that I love with all of my heart

[queenelsawestergaard]

Just recently finished these 3 dolls from 'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow'! I sculpted both Ichabod and Bram Bones heads and repainted Katrina from a 2016 Mattel Cinderella doll. (She was practically Ella's identical twin sister! :laughs: ) Anyway, Ichabod was a bit of a challenge because he is so gaunt and awkward, so I used a Monster High male body (thin and lanky), extended the neck for him, while Bram Bones is his opposite---all rounded features, so I used an older 1999/2000 muscle Disney Store Prince body for him, and sculpted his head, starting with a Kristoff DS head for the base to work from. Hope you like them!! Ichabod is so.....hideous.....   I don't know why but when I started making them, I thought Ichabod the 'hero' and Bram the 'villain'! From my childhood recollections, it seemed to me that Bram was the 'bad guy' and poor Ichabod was the weakling turned hero, who the heroine fell for despite his faults! Boy, were we wrong!   Upon rewatching it now to get a better view of the characters to sculpt, and make outfits for------we found our memories were wrong! Bram is the 'hero' (maybe faulted but not really bad at all----just a bit a jealous) and Ichabod is a gluttonous, conniving, gold-digging coward! And Katrina isn't an innocent sweetheart---oh no! She's a coquette, playing one guy against the other purposely--in order to make Bram jealous and treat her better! Oh my gosh! How did we get this so wrong?!?!?   

For more photos of these 3 , please view HERE.

@love-disney-dolls @disneylimitededitiondolls @arianbutlerart

[locktobre]

Mattel needs to stop being a coward and give us a Barbie movie that's a huge crossover with a "Pointing Spiderman" meme scene with all the Barbie Gals while the Brunettes/Black haired girls (Raquelle, Keira, Erika Juno, Kylie, Hailey, etc) are like "THIS IS NOT FINE THIS IS NOT FINE" c'mon Mattel don't make me just imagine these scenarios/wait for someone to write a fanfic please Mattel stop being a coward

I don't think any sort of crossover will ever happen, nor would I ever want it to.