#don't forget that I myself am autistic too!

[inkskinned]

even 2 years ago people still said autism with a whisper. it was also how people sometimes whisper lesbian, like they're afraid of uttering a slur. autistic was either an insult or it was something terrible, a horrible burden only select people endure. "select people" were usually 9 year old boys and skinny white men.

they are not hispanic young adults with a dog and a life and friends. i can make (sustained, calculated, painful) eye contact. with certain people, i don't even have to count how many seconds i am holding their vision - i can just look at them. i can wear clothes that bother me, i will just have a worse day than usual. i might cry about any changes to my schedule - but change is scary! this is normal!

when i was 16 it was OCD. i mean that was the thing everyone said. i totally have ocd. they would arrange 6 colors of gel pen in rainbow order (no worry for indigo feeling left out) and they'd be "so ocd" about it.

if you struggle with intrusive thoughts, be careful at this next paragraph, but. at 16 i developed a compulsion that involved self-harm. my ocd was convinced i was simply forgetting that i'd hurt someone terribly - a thought that persisted for no clear or delineated reason.

at some point i will probably write about how the idea of "morally pure thoughts" was hell for me and others with ocd, but this was the odd dichotomy for many of us: they liked our "aesthetic", but were genuinely repulsed by our lived experience. "intrusive thoughts" now means "cutting your hair in the sink" instead of talking yourself down from believing horrible things. "so ocd" is a label without any true understanding.

it's something i've talked about before - in multiplicity - but i firmly believe in the veracity and necessity of self-diagnosis. i think it saves lives and it saves tragedies from occurring. as someone raised in a house that wasn't safe, self-diagnosis was, for many years, the only viable option. 15 and honestly googling: am i depressed or there demons affecting my behavior.

but it is not genuine self-diagnosis anymore, most of the time. it is a strange, blanched version of that whispered word autism. now certain traits are constantly seen as "autistic" - any passing intense interest. any flubbed social interaction. people say it while laughing - a touch of the 'tism.

and i like the acceptance! i do. i like that people are talking about it. i like that if i self-identify, more people speak up and say me too, bitch. but there is something-else quietly happening, the way it happened to OCD. the quirky, "fun" parts have been washed and sanitized and removed of all suffering. now it is just something that makes you "a little bit silly."

it took me 27 years on this planet before i learned to make friends. something about me just seems incredibly odd, i guess, some kind of radiation monitoring. someone once (in a way that was almost friendly) told me i am doing the right things, but in a way that's off-putting. i have scoured myself raw attempting to be charming.

someone on tiktok does a deep dive into their particular passion. the top comment says "what kind of autism is this lol". like we are a breed of animal. like it has no influence on our experience. like our life is a fresh breeze, an open meadow.

more often for me, life was a drowning.

[weird-and-unwell]

“Autism isn’t a disability”, “it’s just a difference”.

I am of lower support needs. I hold down a (part time) job. I have travelled around my home country. I live alone.

At work they complain about my speech. I’m too quiet, they say, “barely audible” is the words used at my autism assessment. My voice is all monotone, and it needs to be more expressive. I get this complaint every week for a year straight, until my manager gives up. I don’t attend trainings because I forget and find it overwhelming anyways. My coworkers form friendships, and I watch them talk, wondering how they make it look so easy. I get a new manager, I tell her I find the work socials too overwhelming to attend. She tells me I can just say I don’t want to come. I don’t know how to tell her that I desperately want to, to be like the rest of my coworkers, instead of constantly being the one sat on the sidelines.

I come home, and I can hear my neighbours again. The niggling background noise messes with my head, and I meltdown; I throw myself on the floor, I hit my head on the ground repeatedly as I scream and cry, tear out my hair and scratch my arms and face. When I complain, people tell me that I just have to accept that neighbours make noise, that I should just ignore it, or block it out. I am the problem, the one overreacting. I put in earplugs and it hurts and I'm crying again. I wear headphones but I can't handle the noise for that long.

I have reminders set for everything. Every chore, no matter how big or small. My phone beeps at me, reminding me that I need to wash the dishes. If I don't go now, then tick the little box on my phone to say I did it, it won't get done. My home is almost always a mess despite this. It's not just chores either. I won't think to wash, dress myself, brush my teeth or hair, without those reminders. And unless someone actively prompts me to do so, I will do those tasks "wrong". I haven't changed my underwear in a month, and I'm currently aware that's a problem, but within the hour I'm going to forget all over again until I'm next prompted.

I can't sleep without medication - it's not unusual for autistic people to have messed up circadian rhythms. Without my medication it's hard to even tell when I'm awake and when I'm asleep. When I was younger and at school I slept through so many lessons, and when I have my mandatory breaks from my sleep meds I sleep through every alarm I set. I want to work full time some day, and I'm terrified of what my sleep issue will mean for me then.

I don't travel independently. I don't travel anywhere alone, always with someone or to someone. If to someone, I have assistance the whole way. I find it embarrassing sometimes. Yes, I have a job that requires a certain level of intelligence. No, I cannot get on a train by myself. If I am not shown To The Train, To My Seat, I will be unable to travel.

Last time I travelled, I was left alone at the station for ten minutes. I stayed rigid and sobbed the whole time. I was overwhelmed. It was too loud, I didn't know where I was or where I was meant to be going, and until the assistance person came back I couldn't do anything because for some reason I cannot understand it.

I spend a lot of time trying to explain to people that despite my relative competence, I am unable to do many things. Why can I understand high level maths but not how to get on a damn train? No fucking idea.

"Autism isn't a disability" most severely affects those with higher support needs, and this is absolutely not to take away from them. But for fucks sake, autism is disabling.

Maybe you personally are extremely lucky and just find you're a little "socially awkward", or just find some textures painful or nauseating. Maybe you would be fine with just a couple of adjustments.

But for a lot of us, even lower support needs autistics, it doesn't work like that. I will never sleep properly without medication. I still have the self-harming type of meltdowns as an adult, over things that are deemed as being "just part of life". I live alone but have daily visits from family - if I'm left fully alone I forget all the little daily things one is "meant" to do. I had speech therapy as a child to get me to the "barely audible" "mostly correct" speech. I don't mask, I'm not really sure how I would to begin with.

I'm not unhappy with being autistic. It's just who I am. Life would be easier if I were neurotypical, but I also wouldn't be me. I just wish those luckier than me could...stop saying it's all chill and not at all a disability.

Because yes, socially, I am "awkward". I obviously don't make eye contact - I stare down and to the side of whoever I speak to. People think it's weird or creepy or a sign of disinterest. My autism assessor wrote down about how I often use words and phrases that don't make sense to others, even though they make perfect sense to me. In my daily life this means I'm frequently misunderstood, and have to try explain what I mean, when what I mean is exactly what I said, and the true issue is that what I mean just doesn't make sense to others. I gesture, at times, but again, my gestures apparently don't make sense in relation to what I'm saying. I take things literally, I have almost no filter, and I can't explain how I go from topic to topic.

And yes, I do have sensory problems. Sometimes people, including others with sensory problems, tell me that "sometimes sensory issues have to be tolerated", and I wonder what they think of as being sensory issues. I'm sure they do struggle, but if I say I can't handle a touch, I mean you will need to forcefully hold it against me for me to touch it more than a second and it will make me meltdown. If I say "I can't eat that", I mean that I am unable to swallow it, that I will gag and choke and inevitably spit it back out, as much as I try. If I say I can't handle a noise, I mean I'm so close to a meltdown and my meltdowns are a problem for everyone around me.

But yes. Autism. Not a disability. Just a fun quirky difference.

[copperbadge]

RE watching thoughts: I’m not 100% sure, but it might be that the whole “I am not my thoughts” is about engaging and identifying with your metacognition MORE than your initial thoughts. Because I get where you’re coming from - what is a consciousness but a collection of thoughts and feelings? But you can also have thoughts about your own thoughts that are more useful for dealing with whatever situation you’re in, I guess. (Random aside - every time I start thinking about thinking about thinking my brain inevitably starts thinking about Tiffany Aching and The Wee Free Men.)

I really should have replied to this ask sooner because it's going to seem like a non-sequitur now (this was sent much earlier in March) but I'm kind of glad I didn't, because I've been chatting with people about this and I think I understand more why there's an emphasis in some therapies on the idea that we are not our thoughts.

(I uh, haven't read the Tiffany books so I'm not much help there.)

I am coming to understand that many, perhaps most, people judge themselves, comprehensively and harshly, based on their thoughts. Perhaps it's just a lot of people who struggle with mental health, but given the commonality of the sentiment I don't know if I'd confine it that tightly; generally it appears that people cannot conceive of themselves as anything other than a binary of good or bad. So many people I've talked to about this portion of DBT, the watching-questioning-identifying thoughts portion, say that it helps to snap them out of a spiral of "I'm a horrible person, I deserve to suffer/die, I can never be redeemed" after they've failed at something, or had a negative thought, or reacted poorly to an unexpected event.

That is not something I've ever experienced. I mean, jokingly maybe, but not in a real, internal sense.

And that's not to brag -- I'm not saying I think I'm a good person, either, because I don't think I'm a good person. I don't conceive of myself in terms of good or bad. I never cuddle my cats and think "I'm such a good cat dad" or forget to feed them and think "I should die now." I have a perpetual morally neutral attitude towards my own existence; my thoughts and actions might trend me one direction or another but I'm aware of the temporary nature of that. If I fuck up I'll worry about who I might have hurt or whether I'll be fired or what's going to happen as a consequence, if I am polite to someone who didn't deserve it I know I was acting kindly in the moment, but I don't make an inherent moral judgement of myself based on that. And it seems like the vast majority of people do. Which you would think would make me feel pretty good about myself, but honestly...I don't know.

A lot of people I know who have ADHD or are Autistic have talked about seeing themselves as other, as alien -- like that one webcomic artist who draws themself with little antennae to indicate they're strange and different. I've always understood why one might do that, but I never felt that way myself, before or after the diagnosis. After all, let's remember, I was The Normal* Child of my siblings, and if I was The Normal One before the diagnosis, why wouldn't I remain Mostly Normal after?

* As ever, I'm using "normal" as a cultural term, to indicate what we think of as mainstream, not because normal is a thing that really exists.

My life has been relatively solitary -- I have friends and family and I love them but I'm rarely part of a large group, I don't spend a lot of time out in public interacting with people, I'm not a big socializer. Before the Adderall, I really couldn't be, I took too much psychic damage from interpersonal interaction, so I chose those very carefully. And now my DBT class has been a rare moment when I'm encountering contradictions to a lot of my assumptions about the way human beings in our society interact, react, and behave. I just...don't fit that mold very well. I think of it as having crossed wiring, not in the sense that I'm faulty but just in the sense that I'm very, very different. Not Normal. It's not exactly a bad feeling but it's certainly not a great one, internalizing the sensation of alienness.

DBT is proving to be a mixed bag but not in the way I or my therapist intended -- it seems to be either things I was already instinctively doing or things that simply do not apply to me. In one way it's disappointing because it means there isn't much help to be had (we're a little over halfway through the course and I keep thinking "Maybe next class will be useful") but on the other hand it's validating that so much of what I came up with myself as unconscious coping mechanisms is literally what I would have been told to do anyway.

Sometimes it's a combination of both, though, which really blows. I guess most people, if they reframe another person's actions, actually find emotional relief in that, and I don't. An example from the class is that if someone is rude to you, you can consider how they might be having a hard day, and be polite in return; that's great, in terms of defusing a situation, and it's something I do a fair amount of. But apparently it's also something that for most people results in feeling less awful about the interaction, and that's not the case for me. Which is why so much of DBT feels to me like lying to oneself. It's not lying for most people.

So, yeah. I'm going to finish out the course and keep trying things with the therapist but I suspect given everything, I might already be at "as good as it gets" in terms of emotional work. Which isn't the worst thing in the world, and there is still the option to try medication that could help, but I think there will come a point where I'm going to have to deal with the fallout of just how different I am, and how that has impacted my life. Might end up a good thing; something I've really been trying to resolve is unhappiness over being unpartnered and highly likely to remain that way, and at least if this provides a better understanding of why, then perhaps I can process that and put it to rest in a way I've been trying to do but not succeeding well at.

So, we'll see. But I find it both fascinating and kind of horrifying how many people can believe they are irredeemably bad, even if the belief is only temporary, simply because they had an uncharitable thought or impulse. It makes me somewhat grateful for the crossed wires, at least.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not saying please/thank you?

So this is an ongoing argument with my roommate. I (22nb) am autistic, and T (55f) has ADHD.

Now to get this out of the way, i do say thank you. I was always taught to wait a moment after receiving something, take a bite or appreciate what you were given for a breath, before thanking someone so that you could add something more to it. My roommate and I both agree that i do say thank you the vast majority of the time, but the problem for her is that i do not say it fast enough.

T often gives me a "tHaNk yOu" while the item in question is still being passed. This seems ridiculous to me as i haven't even been fully given it yet.

In addition, i have the dishes as my household chore, and i do them daily, despite almost never making any dishes myself. I do this to both support T and her diet, as well as contribute to the household that i live in.

T thanks me near daily for doing the dishes. This always seems weird and unnecessary to me, as it is my responsibility. I have told her this. I dont expect to be thanked for doing my own laundry, after all. In return, T gets upset that i dont notice and thank her for taking out the garbage/recycling/compost, to which she is the main contributor to and is under her responsibilities.

As for please: i do say this much more rarely. I think it feels overly preformative and fake, and i typical choose more "would you mind closing my door for me" "if its not too much of a hassle, could you toss me my waterbottle" "id appreciate it if you could preheat the oven while you're in the kitchen"

I think that these work perfectly fine as a replacement. Please just has always felt wrong and fake. No one else in my entire life has ever commented on this before.

Thirdly; T has been upset that i don't respond to her apologies appropriately. After she is snappy at me (due to her emotional disregulation from ADHD) (last time it was because i asked if she was using the oven instead of asking if i could use the oven myself, for reference) there is a 50/50 shot that she will come and apologize.

I dont often accept apologies. Apologies are for the person saying them to get it off their chests, or to make you put it behind them. Usually, ill say something like "it was just one of those days, y'know?" Or "its alright, water under the bridge"

Because i was always taught that apologies came with a promise of change, and T can't (or won't) change how she re-directs her frustration at unrelated things to things ive done "wrong". When she told me the correct response was "i forgive you", i decided to not engage instead of telling her directly that i didnt forgive her (because i am certain she will do it again). (I usually dont engage with her when shes irritated: she never notices and just wants to say her piece so im not being rude here)

She said that i was being disrespectful, "like always", and when i suggested it may be more difficult for me due to my autism, she said that we made plenty of accommodations for me (which i think is false), and that i just needed to do this for her comfort. That please/thank yous were something she needed to feel appreciated and i should be making more accommodations for her.

To me, i feel like she is getting really caught up on semantics and is being a little controlling about it. But maybe its just a boundary? I dont know if i could commit to changing my language for her though, i feel like i will just start forgetting after awhile because it feels so fake. Shouldn't it be better for me to say things genuinely than just for her approval?

AITA for not saying please/thank you?

[gemharvest]

Okay hear me out (and I will forget I sent an ask in again 2 seconds later) RGB as crystal gems

PREFACING THIS ART WITH AN "I'm sorry I didn't lean more into the SU side of things" I am being so fr I don't wanna mess with trying to figure out more gem-like outfits for them so they're basically the same except with limited palettes and also gems. I don't think it's actually gonna matter to anyone but ANSJKNKDGJ if I don't open with that my brain will Explode. /lh

GO CRAZY GO STUPID AHHHHHH. GEMS. I'm going to have to put my bullet points under a read more just cuz I know I am about to fucking Go Off. grins

Girlfriend is a red diamond. Boyfriend is a peridot. Pico is a green spinel.

GIRLFRIEND:

Went with a diamond cuz of the status thing. I am almost worried it feels like too easy of a pull but I doonnn't care I think it'd be fun if she was a diamond. :) Red obviously because it's her color.

Playing off the status thing; ofc her parents would also be diamonds and so you can have the reasoning of "oh this isn't a high-rank gem" for them not liking Boyf. I mean if you need any reasoning aside from them just being unreasonable LOL but that's always there.

Placement on her chest because !! love !!!! That's also why it's a heart-shaped cut instead of a. Diamond shape.

My backup assignment for her would be a jasper because I think it'd suit her well to be any quartz, and with jasper you can get close to her reds !! The status thing is really what made me decide on a diamond tho.

As I type this I realize there are some vaaaguee similarities to Pink I could pull as extra reasoning but shruuuugs my brain is NOT in an analytical mood rn so I'll just let others chew on that for me.

This isn't really relevant to RGB but I wanna mention it: I think it'd be funny if the demon henchmen were rubies.

BOYFRIEND:

The biggest factor for me going peridot with him is the fact that a common headcanon for canon Peridot is that she's autistic and while I mostly work with ADHD Boyf myself (since that's the experience I can pull from personally)... I am a sucker for a good autistic/AuDHD read with him.

This man is short and Era 2 peridots are short. If I drew him SU style this guy would need limb enhancers. lol

Instead of a prohibition symbol his shirt has the outline of a star. I just find that neat. :)

He would sooooooo suck at a peridot's role but also iirc in canon he's a college drop out anyways so it cancels out. He's got that Greg Universe in him.

Honestly, I put his gem placement on the back of his hand bc I had no clue where else to put it. My secondary placement for it would be on his forehead bc it'd make me giggle with him being Dumb but canon Peridot already has the forehead placement so I didn't go ahead with that.

HE STOLE PICO'S GREEN SPOT. spritzing him with water like a naughty dog BAD BOYFRIEND.

PICO:

This is my little indulgent one I really. I really love canon Spinel. This is tangential but like I literally have 4 spinel OCs and then another 4 furry OCs with designs based on canon Spinel. The urge to make One Of Them a spinel was going to be there.

The juxtaposition of him being a gem with an entertainer role and also a hard-ass hitman makes me giggle. Idk I feel like if you already know canon Spinel then you can probably connect the dots as to why I'd imagine him as a spinel as well.

Heart cut because I find it cute and it matches GF. I think a spade shape could be fun too but idk I prefer just going with a heart. Placement on his upper back because. :) Because he can't easily shield it from damage that way. He has to be constantly aware of his surroundings, unless he wants to give someone the chance for an easy hit on him if they sneak up from behind. Little paranoia thing to fuck with him. I'm so nice to Pico !! :D

Bringing back the status thing with GF's parents; I can't help but giggle thinking abt them hiring him. Imagine you get recommended this really good hitman and you meet up and it's a fucking court jester. Fucking ego hit but DD needs the job done so he hires him anyways. AND THEN PICO DOESN'T EVEN CARRY OUT THE FUCKING HIT. Never hiring a clown off of Craigslist again. /JOKING

hits play on this and sits down with my head in my hands

OKAY BEFORE I'M DONE I WANNA MENTION: I made myself give them all gem assignments BUT I do think it would be fun if one of them was not a gem a la Greg and Rose. So I give you: regular canon demon GF and her two gem boyfriends. Takes a bow. (<- honestly might do something further with that for my own fun. teehee)

[thatbitchery]

BTW I tell y'all I have severe ADHD once every ten seconds because i want you to know I'm a low performer. I procrastinate on important matters for months and sometimes, most times really, it costs me opportunities and relationships and peace of mind because I'll know I'm supposed to do X but have no willpower whatever to do X. I want you ladies to know that's sometimes I hyperfixate on things with no importance whatsoever and that takes away my energy from things that are important. Hell, just last week I spent 8 hours on my laptop reading on bears and watching beat videos when I had work to do. That I have time blindness and sometimes am extremely late or extremely early or just get days mixed up and do Thursday things on Wednesday because I thought it's Thursday or forget it's Friday and not do Friday things and it costs me, dearly. Expensively. That I am inconsistent as they come and even a machine gun to my head can't get me to do something that my brain rejects. That sometimes I cry for hours because I feel pathetic and sad and too small with dreams too big. That somedays I wake up with the energy of a thousand Suns and start 58868 projects, create a brand new goals list for things I'll do in my life and go strong for three days then just- dump it after the energy falls. Then hate the hell out of myself because what the hell. That everytime I want to pick a new hobby or buy something or make a decision I hesitate because , do I really want this or is it dopamine and I'll dump it after 6 working days, because I have too many WIPs that Im yet to complete but can't bring myself to. That I need 168979 watches with alarms and a digital to do list and a manual to do list and sometimes I'll still get nothing done. That I try, so hard, and sometimes, just can't. And everyone that's supposed to help has the same recycled tips that just will not work for me. That I had medication for a while that worked but my body got used to it and overpowered it, so now even the option for medication is out of the picture - so I have to live like this for the rest of my life. That sometimes I run purely on ego because my self esteem is on the floor. That everytime I get a new opportunity I panic a little because what if I give up midpoint and ruin my reputation?? What if? That I self isolate because when I have too much energy I can't sit still and I interrupt everyone and need to run or I'll combust. That I self isolate because I have low social awareness and could easily say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Because I'm not normal and that feels shameful sometimes. That even CBT hasn't been able to set me straight, but I worked so hard to make money for therapy and medication and it's not working so I've also lost my will to work because what is it even for?????

I could Grammarly and AI my posts and have them professional looking but I want the ADHD girls with a brain faster than their hands to know it's okay to leave some words out because your brain is 6 words ahead of your hand and you're trying to keep up. I want the dyslexia girlies to know you can still write even when you're not sure if that thing makes sense, the people that mind do not matter and the people that matter do not mind. Because I want the 'english is not my first language' girls like me that struggle with adverbs and nouns and tenses and spelling to know hey it's okay, just write. You want to write, write. Do it for you. Forget the rest. I could polish all my posts, I do it for my work and official documents but if I do what will the girlies that need to know they're not stupid, English is just a language and spellings don't matter that much and you can communicate outside perfection see to reinforce their desire?? What will the autistics that want to try blogging but feel scared because they can't arrange their thoughts in a comprehensive manner and get lost in side stories sometimes look at and go oh my god- we exist and it's okay because we can still influence.

I tell you ladies every three seconds that I am a dark skinned black 5'4 slim immigrant in a white supremacist country because I want the girls that fit neither the beauty standards or the stereotypical standards to know they can chase their dreams and it doesn't matter. So the girlies of color that watch news and movies and social media and see people that look like them being murdered and disrespected and read the comments to know yeah, you can still do it, get on that plane. If I don't what will the girls that know for a fact that was unfair treatment look at when they need to know they can still rise above and make it??? If I dont tell you that actually I'm not where I am because I'm the hardest working in the room- I'm actually hella lazy- I'm where I am because I manipulate cheat claw gaslight blackmail my way how will the girls that work hard and still not achieve know that it's not because them it's because the world is unfair and you win by being unfair. I could play good girl , I could, I could tell you just work hard and go for it but then what will the girls that did all that and still failed look at to make sense of the world around them? Justify how things got here when they did everything they were supposed to? I say be a bitch so the girls that are demonized for not taking it lying down can be bitchier. I say learn the patriarchy and fit the beauty standards as much as you can and cosplay what's likeable not to conform but to cosplay and manipulate so that the girls that know it's wrong realize that you should just play them the way they play you - that's real feminism. That's real equality, learning the game to learn how to cheat and win because you were born to lose, the rules aren't made with you in mind so why would you stick to them, and fighting them is futile, you'll lose. I say being feared >> than being loved for the girls that got manipulated used trashed in the name of love. I tell you people are animals that survive by low balling each other so you can make a little sense of your trauma and forgive yourself for what you had to become to survive.

This blog is for the outsiders, actually. The girls that do not see content made that make sense for them, the girls that are born into a world that has no space for them and couldn't fit in if they tried because it's impossible. I'm here as proof you can make it. Autistic dyslexic ADHD black female , ticking all the wrong boxes and still making it. That's why I'm here, to show you how. To show you, you can. It's okay, you're okay. In fact, you're- better.

[desultory-novice]

Noir's Field Trip - "Starting Out"

"...Thanks, you two."

-

Ahem! Following in the footsteps of several other Kirby OC contest peeps, you may send in asks for [Noir]!!

(...But I'm SUPER busy so it may take until May to respond! ^^;;)

[Notes/Rules About Asks:]

-I'm iffy on back-and-forth style dialogue-based RP, due to the complex interplay of pseudo-linearity in an amorphous situation plus my autistic-self often being unable to figure out what my RP partner is actually trying to say tone-wise or what they are thinking and then-I-answer-them-wrong-and-embarrass-myself...!!

NVMD SEND WHATEVER YOU WOULD LIKE XD

That and long post-chains make me a little nervous. ^^; Asks in the form of questions Noir can answer in-character are preferred.

(You may also ask me generic "What does your OC think/do when...?" style questions, such as those from THIS detailed OC ask meme!)

-You can also send an ask for Noir from your OC, if you'd like to find out how the troubled teenage boy would react to meeting them! (These may or may NOT(!!) come with art, depending on mood, time, and a variety of circumstances. Tourney OCs will generally get preference. If I AM inspired to draw said meeting, I may request additional information/clarification before going through with it.)

Again, I'm pretty autistic, so if you are going to go this route, it'll help if I have something more than "Hiya, Noir!" to work off of - else he'll just react to you the same way he does to Marx.

(Not that you can't go places from there! XD)

-You can also prod Noir about his traumas if you like! XD Note that asking for details about certain things (the "murders" on Shiver Star or his hatred of physical contact) may result in responses with TRIGGER WARNINGS, if I decide to answer them.

-Tournament!Noir is currently in his own similar but separate timeline from Mainline Apologies Noir. However, events during this contest MAY influence his fate and the fates of those he holds dearest!

-Noir's latent cross-dimension sight means that you can ask him about his various other timelines or Kirby games he was not alive for and probably get some pretty unique/funny/strange answers.

-I almost assuredly won't be able to get to every ask/comment. Some I may avoid answering due to complexity, uncomfortableness, them not fitting tournament!Noir's narrative, or me just not having any good ideas. Please don't take this personally.

-Lastly, please leave space between sending multiple asks. ^^

omg I'm so nervous about this. I want to draw lots, for me and for others (!) too if I can but I want to follow the flow of the tournament and not JUST go off on my own crazy thing, except that I'm not even completely familiar with what the rounds will be like?!

[Non-Ask Notes:]

-The flowers in the BG are the forget-me-nots that Adeleine drew for him on his birthday and that he received in this post. That post was also the inspiration for Tournament!Noir. (Although he retains the corruption + the collar here.)

PS: In addition the song that post is, you know, named for, Noir + the forget-me-nots also makes me think of the lyrics: "Since the day I met you, there's never ceased to be music in this hell of mine" from the opening to Sousei no Aquarion.

-This, and the tag name, was inspired by @Graycoin's comment "Noir gets to go on a field trip. I hope he has a good time : D " (then I saw Starflung had the same idea to send her OC off with a backpack! Haha! XD)

-The fish bone is a gift from Gooey. He's doing his best. Adeleine is also doing HER best. ("...A comb? Really?" "It's unbreakable!")

-As to the bento box, I'm not sure if I mentioned this before (?) but the Fontaine children are French-Japanese...on their mother's side.

-Why yes, that IS a cellphone in his backpack! I wonder who might call him...?

[sillydummydum]

Hello Everybody!!!

My name's Luna, I'm an autistic 16y old demiaroace bissexual girl who really enjoys playing games, drawing and self shipping!! I've been doing it without knowing since I was like 8 so yeah -v-" I'm a little bit shy and definitely don't know how to make pretty aah tumblr posts but I try to have fun! Never interacted with much people from the self shipping community due to shyness-- but I'm happy to make new self shipper friends!! I tend to talk allot so sorry if I yap! I got the silly--

☆ She/her ☆

I really like:

- Persona (main special interest)

- Pokemon (very strong special interest!!)

- Sonic

- Undertale

- Touhou

- Rpg

- Honestly videogame and uh-- hell! even anime in general!! sign me in! I really like to learn abt other people's passions so plz show me lots of cool media!! I'll love it!

- Does my boyfriend counts?... cuz I do like him allot

- Making friends!!

I don't really enjoy:

- fighting on the Internet (I swear don't fight me I'll cry) /j

- Basic dni stuff yk just bad people in general

- Anti self shippers duhh

- People who don't like my boyfriend

- People who DO like my boyfriend/j

Romantic F/O's:

- Goro Akechi ♡ (my main f/o!! My boyfriend! My silly!~ Will mostly if not a 100% of the time talk about him!! And I'm usually mocking him lol he's stupid, miserable and fun to laugh at/pos Not really comfy with sharing! Aaah sorry i mean i don't mind if you interact but you knoooow... ><")

- Naoto Shirogane (kinda jealous so nu-uh)

- X!tale Chara (don't mind!)

- Satori Komeiji (don't mind~)

- Shuichi Saihara (don't mind!!)

Short list lol the only ones I am very invested in are Goro and Naoto, i'm a detective kisser ig 😭

Platonic F/O's:

- Honestly all the persona 3/4/5 main cast are my best friends in my respective persona alternate universes, change my mind. BESTIES BESTIES BESTIES!!! I LOVE MAKING FRIENDS AND BEING SILLY WITH THEM!!!

- Akiren and Futaba specially tho, Leblanc familly makes me happy happy happy hi Sojiro plz adopt me :3

- Sumire too, THAT'S MY BESTIE RIGHT HERE EVERYONE!!!! (Can my royal trio favoritism be noticed throughout this post? Impossible challenge.)

- Nanako as well!~ my cute little consideration sis <3

- Sumireko is my absolute Touhou bestie!!!

- Flandres is my sis <3 (Remi too naturally cof cof)

- Cream the rabbit as my little sister? HELL YEAH, CLAIMED!! (I really enjoy having siblings leave me alone 😭)

- If a character exists in a media I self insert into, i'll probably be their friend or steal their blood/hj

Okay let me stop myself before i start becoming a friends/sister with the whole fictional universe...

So that's it! I'm not really good at using tumblr or... talking to people-- so yeah lol sorry!! I just really really like my boyfriend and wanted to share that! he makes me happy and joyful and makes me forget about my problems to worry about his ♡ And i wish that everyone could be able to experience that hapinnes without judgements! happy self shipping for everyone!!! And remember...

Your F/O loves you ♡

|....☆.....☆......☆......☆.....☆.....☆......☆......☆.....☆....|

[mrghostrat]

i was hoping to stream this afternoon but i woke with my shoulders hurting so bad that i have absolutely zero capacity for anything. to the point where i experienced my first autistic rumbles in the supermarket 🥸 but i have adhd meds now so maybe we can try tomorrow.

zita's suspected i'm on the spectrum for a little while now, but i've always been on the fence about it. there's a lot i don't relate to. but most of that is bc i have so much learned behaviour, and i mask really well. when i try to break down how i think for autism diagnostic quizzes, my gut reactions DO fit the bill, but they are so so so buried under 30 years of life experience that feels like it comes naturally.

but i am an introvert. an extreme introvert. even while living alone with my best friend, who i get on perfectly with and feel zero need to mask around, i still need to excuse myself and be left alone in my room from 10pm at LEAST.

so i only really unmask when i'm dead alone. even though i dont feel like i'm putting up any kind of front around of zita, i still do, automatically. the only time i see myself completely bare is when i'm alone and it's silent and there is absolutely nothing challenging my comfort.

sooooo hoooooo boy waking up in pain, with zero capacity to even finish a thought, still empty of ADHD medication because of the fuckin manufacturing shortage (thankfully today's trip into town was to finally pick some up! but that wasn't until noon), i got to see a side of myself i don't know if i've ever actually seen before? maybe as a kid but i can't remember specifically that far back?

i've been short tempered and overwhelmed and exposed to sensory nightmares whilst home alone before, but it's usually so quick bc i'm at HOME and i can adjust the situation and i never think much of it. i felt like a bluescreen at that supermarket today, popping in for less than 10 things across 3 aisles.

it was so busy. there were so many people. i felt dread just to walk through it, so aware of my own body and the space i had to inhabit. but par for the course so far. what was less par for the course was having to stop and look at my list every 3 steps, unable to put together a course of action in my head: chicken is on the far left, so we grab that first and get broccoli on our way to the soup aisle. but the broccoli is right there. do i grab that first, go get the chicken, but then double back from where i just came? i might get myself some bananas too, how do i fit that into my path—

i had to keep stopping and looking at my list because every item i thought of made me forget the previous one i just looked at. eventually got fed up with myself and went to the closest thing and started there, regardless of whether i'd have to double back or not. that's what trips me when i take these quizzes n shit. i can get over the hump and do the task in the end, so that must mean i'm totally allistic! no autism here.

i remember thinking "jesus christ this is bad" when i was on my way to get zita's soup (if you've read this far, thank you and kisses to you, pls send some loving vibes to zita by reading her fic i just reblogged, bc she's got a cold and is miserable today) so i was kinda aware i was having a bad sensory day. as expected: there were a lot of people there, and i was in pain. but i just short circuited looking at soup. zita gave me the brand name and soup type of 3 cans she wanted. and i went to the aisle i've been to a thousand times, found the brand, and just stared. it was all stew. all chunky brothy things with bits in. not a single creamy soup in sight, so, the soup must be somewhere else.

i came to that conclusion immediately but i couldn't. process it? or like, what to do with that information. the soup is somewhere else. OR IS IT? keep looking at this shelf to make sure, your eyes are tired, you might've missed it. there's like 20 different cans of campbells here, just keep reading them left to right until soup appears. still no soup? read them again, you might've missed it. maybe campbell's is out of soup? read every other brand here until you Don't see soup, then you can walk away and try somewhere else. but if you don't see any soup, read it again because you might've missed it.

thankfully it took all of 30 fuckin seconds for a store employee who was shelving next to me to see my glazed fuckin stare and ask if i needed a hand with anything. and i stammered through some "haha my silly eyes today!! haha thanks! sorry, thank you!" as she happily pointed like 3 metres down the aisle for me, while my internal monologue immediately raged like "wtf why would they put the soup that far away but also barely far away at all, what's the point, bad design 😡"

got soup. check list: packet of gravy. zita told me the gravy was in the same section as the soup. it was not. i walked up and down that aisle five times and there was no gravy. i just. i had completely forgotten how to problem solve. it was the strangest, most frustrating experience. like i was looking at an empty word document in my brain, with a little flashing cursor and everything, so i knew it hadn't frozen over. it was just empty.

i even had the thought "just walk up and down the aisles until you find gravy; you have to do this all the time" and even had ideas of which aisles to start with. but my brain said no. we're not going to walk around aimlessly, even if we have a neat little structure and path to follow. we were told (by myself, too) this would be a quick in out trip, pluck the known items off the shelf and beeline straight for the checkout. so meandering down aisles was for some reason non negotiable. i wasn't in a rush. i had nothing to do today. i barely even felt a rush to get out of there, as busy as it was. it just wasn't an option.

so rather than start solving that problem i just jumped to the next thing on the list. strepsils. text to ask what kind she wants, have a whine about my broken brain, ask if she knows where the gravy is. remember when i pass the hair brushes that i broke my hairbrush this morning and need a new one!! oh and i've been wanting new hairclips too. look at me picking a new hairbrush and poking through the hairclips for one that i know will feel comfortable against my scalp, i'm not autistic because i can change my plans and make decisions on the fly.

oops didn't mean for this post to be an entire play by play of my thoughts through this extremely bland grocery shop. i cannot believe how long i stood there choosing soup. the line at the self checkout was so long and i felt the dread kick up again. barely/silently whispered "oh god" to myself when i realised the line, but repeated it about 20 times to feel the tap of my tongue against the roof of my mouth before i realised i was doing it. stop that, don't mutter to yourself. but i'm standing still in a line and there's nothing left to (ineffectually) problem solve, so the second i stop i notice a weird little slice in the plastic around the trolley handle that i can't stop flicking my thumbnail against.

OK. we need to stim. heard, chef. just click your piercing ffs. your mouth might look weird when you do it but at least everyone can see you're just clicking your teeth against your piercing, rather than talking to yourself or damaging public property.

something made a noise, can't even remember if it was a child or a trolley or what, some loud sharp single high pitched screech a few metres away, and i jolted so hard i thought i felt like i was going to throw up. finally think, fucking hell i'm autistic today. my back hurts. which is making my head hurt. i want to go home and take my vyvanse.

[spale-vosver]

About Me

UPDATE: Y'all lost anon privileges because you're too pussy to insult me and put a face to it.

I'm Geoff, a 21 year old history major and aspiring archivist. I use he/xe/xey pronouns, and I'm a crippled transsexual faggot converting to Judaism.

This blog, much like my interests, is very eclectic, and will largely consist of reblogs -- though I'm not opposed to making my own posts when the mood strikes.

I'm incredibly nerdy and love to ramble, so please don't hesitate to ask me about any of my interests! Said interests, along with more info and DNI, are under the cut. Also, please feel free to spam like and reblog, as well as message me!

* I am an adult

I'm 21, and will more than likely post adult content with NSFW text and subjects. However, I will never post explicit sexual content, gore, etc. This is your warning. Please keep this in mind if you choose to interact with or follow me!

* I'm disabled

I'm autistic, have ADHD, OCD, ARFID, BED, and OCPD. Physically, I have asthma, chronic leg and ankle pain that causes me to limp, dysautonomia, chronic fatigue, and suspected migraine disorder. I use identity first language (autistic man, disabled man, etc), and identify strongly with the cripplepunk movement. I personally don't care who uses the word cripple or identifies with the movement, but that's because I don't give a shit about slur discourse.

* I'm converting to Judaism

After five years of convincing myself out of it, I've begun the process of converting to Judaism, and will blog about it here. I have a sponsoring Conservative synagogue and will be beginning conversion classes in August. I will not share the name of my synagogue nor its location for obvious reasons. I do not and will not tolerate antisemitism, nor will I answer bad faith questions about Israel/Palestine. If you absolutely have to know my opinions, I'm pro-Palestine, pro-cohabitation, and politically anti-Kahanist and vehemently opposed to Likud and the Israeli government.

To my knowledge, I do not have any Jewish heritage -- both sides of my family are strongly Catholic and are from Ireland, Germany, and Poland. If there are any Jews in my family line, we either don't know about them or they converted to Christianity.

* I do not budge about my identity

I am a transsexual crippled faggot who supports dykes, trannies, cocksuckers, muffdivers, queers, fairies, aces, aros, and who, again, does not give a shit about slur discourse within the queer community. Don't try to start that with me. You will be blocked. I loudly and proudly support all good faith queer identities. Yes, even those ones.

* Interests

As mentioned, I'm a huge huge huge nerd! Right now I'm obsessed with Doctor Who (Five is my favorite), but I'm a big sci-fi/fantasy fan in general. I also love trains and sustainable urban planning and am prone to going on rants about the absolute state of train travel in America.

* Please ask me to tag things!

I'm really bad about tagging in general, so please ask me to tag any potential triggers! I will probably forget if I'm not explicitly asked. However, I will not tag any slurs that I can reclaim or use.

DNI

Exclusionists (ALL TYPES), antisemites/islamophobes/racists/queerphobes/ableists/bigots/etc, if you think queer is a slur, if you think minorities have to be "nice" or "polite" to earn your support, if you use "Zionist" to mean "Jew I don't like", antitheists, exvangelicals/exmos/etc who refuse to deconstruct their cultural Christianity, and probably more I forgot to mention. I'm not going to humor your shit. I will block you.

[queeraang]

speaking of how adhd steals your fucking dopamine. i keep meaning to share some tips for i manage it.

so obviously finishing a task doesn't make you feel good, like it does other people, but i've found that if you don't have the lingering dread of Task it's almost like feeling good. so the main thing i tell myself it "it won't be easier later"

because most of the tasks i put off are chores and realistically, the sooner you wash dishes/do your laundry the less shitty the actual task is. also i try to knock everything out at the same time, because i'm up and moving so it's kind of like tricking the executive dysfunction because i don't have to "start" more than one thing.

multitasking is also good for gameifying things, like can i wash these dishes before the oven's done? i also recommend a cleaning/cooking-sona (i put on an apron and play a specific playlist personally)

the other little tip is if you have multiple things to do, try and do the one you'll forget first. by that i mean whichever thing has the fewest natural reminders. so if i need to feed the cats AND take something out of the freezer to thaw, i try and do freezer first because my cats are going to yell at me until they get wet food so i can't really forget whereas the freezer thing could slip my mind until it's too late

(all of this comes with the caveat that i am also autistic so i do have a sort of 'we eat the worst part of the meal first to get the suffering over with' sort of nature that other people might not. also i don't have any like heavily debilitating physical issues where waiting a day to do a task might genuinely be easier because of pain or something)

[drdemonprince]

if you ever have the time and space to answer this i'd be very thankful

how can i take any let downs by friends less personal and continue giving people chances/inviting them in and being vulnerable without hurting myself/gettung hurt in the process? i'm guessing the answer is to find a balance, but are there ways to go about it easier? no matter how much i try to communicate and and manage expectations... i appreciate my friends greatly, but still i often feel let down when they cant come to things that are important to me though i understand that things can happen and theres usually reasons for not being able to make something and i am not their priority number one in a system that exhausts all of us- it just keeps happening and i don't want to grow bitter and alone but cherish the people in my life and trust they are trying their best

I think you can start by practicing being more flaky and unreliable and more reliant up on your friends' grace as well! When we feel resentful, it is often a sign that we are doing far too much, and not having our needs cared for. I used to be one of the most reliable mother fuckers around -- it was my senior superlative, actually, Most Reliable! ha! -- and I resented just about everyone for being less put together, less likely to follow through, less prone to doing what they said and saying what they'd do than me. I was a bitter little Type A overachieving cunt who considered myself superior to everyone (in part because my hyper literal Autistic ass believed that if you said you were going to do something, that meant you absolutely Had to Do It and Why Would Anybody Lie about a thing like that?)

Today I am a fuckin MESS and I am a much better person for it. I amble up just barely on time, I cancel plans, I forget things, I tell someone I can't make it even if in the most literal sense I could but I don't feel like it -- and many of my friends are tired, spent, fuzzy brained exhausted messes too! And it's fine! I have some friends that I regularly rely upon to cancel our plans because it frees up a little extra room in my schedule that I always wind up needing. I'm not mad or disappointed in them for bailing, my ass is relieved because I definitely have some shit to get to myself and probably four other people that I'm kinda letting down at the moment. It's not that any of us lack concern for one another, that's just what being a busy adult is in this day and age. We have work and creative pursuits and lots of friends and fucking and exercise and tile to regrout. Shit happens. It's not a big deal if I end up needing to see the movie solo or if we need to reschedule our breakfast date. Shit happens. I have too many actual problems to make a problem out of someone having a hangover and not being able to show up to my birthday or whatever. I missed their birthday last year, but I'll make it there this year, and maybe next time they'll make mine, too. The grace of accepting chaos washes it all away. My friends are my fellow comrades in the fuckin trenches and we each get to make one another's tours a little less miserable by understanding shit's crazy and fucked and that none of it is personal and that at the end, we still love eachother and are doing our best.

With time, may you find that kind of serenity and that ability to just keep on moving in life rather than fixating on the little slights and unpredictable things that will happen whether we fight them or not. Don't read too much into anyone's cancellation of plans or lateness or flakiness. Put your mind toward more interesting problems in your life, ones that some thinking can help solve. Easier said than done, but you'll get there. If my bitter anal retentive ass could become so sloppy and lovingly blase so can you!

[tapwater118]

pinned post jumpscare blauughh

pronouns.cc

hiya i’m flower!

i also go golf ball, GB, needle, tap water, tap, captain coinpin (<- silly). queer person on the internet with too many names, check

she/her, they/them, che/chem. 21 yo

fictkin with flower, golf ball, needle bfdi (if you couldn’t tell from the first sentence)

i like various things and then will proceed to draw them. big fat bfdi/osc special interest mostly (i am a huge multishipper (based) btw so erm yeah)

feel free to use my art and such as pfps/banners/whatever, just give credit pls

let the record show that i am bad at using social media so uh i am probably a terrible mutual sorry in advance

also if i like over explain something to you please do not take it as a slight against you, i am just autistic (as if it wasn’t obvious)

if ya wanna know more, feel free to shoot up the ask box or dms, i love answering questions. i also like taking requests over asks! just note that it may be some time before i get around to your request

(regarding dms, please come in with something more than ‘hi’. i’m not comfortable initiating conversation with someone im not familiar with.)

(also don’t flirt with me. you don’t have a rat’s chance)

things you’ll probably see me blabber about/draw at some point:

object shows (particularly bfdi, but i also fw inanimate insanity, hfjone, boto, animatic battle, team room 125, orb, burner, object kerfuffle, love of the s*n, ppt2, itft, and others im probably forgetting) (oh and idfb fear garden tee hee)

mario

kirby

pikmin

undertale/deltarune

pizza tower

fnf

homestuck

fnaf

petscop

horror stuff in general

regretevator

to be expanded once i remember more stuff

(art may be suggestively crude in humor but never nsfw)

(also if you ask i can always add tags to stuff if you have something in particular you want to mute, i dont mind)

i am working on some cool projects i think you should check them out because they are cool:

Occasionally Coinpin: hosted over at @occasionallycoinpin. posting coinpin, occasionally (the main reason you don’t see coinpin content here all that often)

Book Askblog: hosted at @twotonedhardcover, where i pretend to be a gay little novel for shits and giggles

Battle for Hopes and Dreams: a bfdi x undertale au that puts the characters of bfdi in the world of undertale. tagged as “#battle for hopes and dreams”

Competition for Fantasy Retreat: a bfdi swap au that swaps characters’ compositions and parts of their personalities. tagged as “#competition for fantasy retreat”

BfDI 1990: an unfiction reimagining of bfdi as an NES game from 1990. tagged as “#BfDI1990” (unreality content warning for this). please note that this is NOT an ARG, there is no game or puzzle to be solved, it is simply unfiction

Tap’s BFDI D-Side: a bfdi d-side take, where characters’ designs and personalities are remixed for something new and refreshing! (based on fnf d-sides obviously) tagged as “#tap’s bfdi d side”

BFDI Redux: a hypothetical bfdi season 6, featuring many of the tpot rejects as well as underutilized veterans. tagged as “#bfdi redux”

OSC horror content: i like turning the silly blorbos into fucked up evil creatures. general tag is “#FLApasta” but each story has its own separate tag (general content warning for these)

other tags i’ll use frequently i think:

“#asks” all the crud that ends up in my inbox and also some very nice things. it is a mystery

“#yap fest” for general inane ramblings. i say some very stupid things

“#ultra yap fest” for long posts, including rants and character analyses

“#slop tier post” art and other things that are generally below a certain threshold of quality i hold for myself. i’m probably too harsh on myself but oh well

“#word salad yummy yummy” fanfic stuff. im on ao3 and wattpad if ya didnt know

“#top tier post” “#all the day every day” “#one for the ages” posts that i really really like. usually from moots

“#literally me” fictkin id posts. you get it. no you don’t. i don't get it either

“#oiny” wife

[noisettecafe]

♡Introduction post!♡

(Please read before interacting with this blog!)

Hiya! This is a Noisette RP/parody askblog. This introduction will be out of character, as I believe it'd be more fun for you guys to learn more about Noisette as the blog goes on.

First things first, my name is Truffle. Please use they/he to refer to me if you are not talking to/about Noisette. I will put a proper introduction to myself later on, as the rules and boundaries of this blog are more important.

Rules/boundaries/imporant information (I will most likely add more in the future)

I am a minor, so please do not interact with me if you are an NSFW blog. And I will not respond to NSFW asks. Suggestive jokes are fine, but straight-up NSFW will be ignored (and the person who posted the ask will be blocked if they're not anonymous).

I'm a bit new to tumblr, so I'm not very good at it yet. Just be patient, I'll figure things out eventually.

Do not interact with this blog if you are/support any of the following: pr*ship/c*mship, zooph*le, p*dophile, l*li/sh*tacon, or bigoted in any way. (I censored the nasty words so that this post doesn't show up in search results for those words)

I am autistic, so I might not understand certain things and might have difficulties with explaining myself properly, leading to some of my sentences to be a little incomprehensible, and my tone to come off more harsh than what I intended. If something like that occurs, please let me know so that I can try to explain myself again. English is also not my first language, making communication even harder for me. Please be patient with me.

Please keep in mind that this blog might contain triggering or upsetting subject matters, such as s*lf h*rm and mental illness, as well as ships that some may not agree with.

Please don't spam my askbox. I most likely won't be able to respond to all asks for multiple reasons. Please do not be upset if I don't answer an ask from you. If you really need an answer from me, don't spam me. Wait a while before asking again, and if I don't respond a second time, then that's my answer.

Just don't be weird in general. Again, weird jokes are allowed, but don't be too extreme.

I often lose motivation for a while, but I'll make sure to make a proper post if I need to take a long hiatus.

I'll mostly be doing sprite edits instead of drawing, but I might draw for this blog a few times.

Noisette is a bit of a self insert in this blog, meaning that she'll have similar issues and thought processes to myself, as well as looking slightly similar to myself.

OCs are of course allowed to interact with the characters! Just please don't beg me to draw them. I will if I want to.

Fanart is allowed and very appreciated, of course!

Introduction to the mod

Again, my name is Truffle. I am nonbinary (they/he). I will use blue text and an out of character tag while talking out of character, but I might forget to sometimes. I don't know if I even need to clarify this, but the way I act in character is much different from the way I act as a person. My name is totally not a reference to the Truffle NPC from Terraria sweats nervously.. I might use characters from other franchises as background characters hehehe

And once again, I cannot stress this enough:

Don't be weird.

♡I think that's all, I'll update this if I need to!♡

[usernamesarehard1]

Most of the time, I completely ignore Magisterium canon to the point where I forget it exists. But every now and then a reminder of it comes up and it hurts me so much inside.

I hate the canon so much. I am one of those autistic people where I am lower-empathy when it comes to real people, but have hyper-empathy for fictional characters. Especially certain fictional characters. Because some characters become a part of who I am. It's like I absorb them into my emotions and I care about them so so deeply.

And the Magisterium characters are that for me.

But the canon treats them like garbage! First of all, most of what happens is such lazy writing and doesn't even make logistical sense (ie, why is Call getting injured on the log his fault? Why would anyone believe Alma that Call is the EOD?? Why would the Magisterium TELL everyone Call was the EOD, etc????)

But secondly, shit just happens to the characters for no reason over and over and over again. They do nothing to deserve it. They don't do anything wrong! All they do is try to help and be good people and save the lives of other people. They, as CHILDREN, take on responsibility that the adults won't because they care more about people than the authority does, but yet shit just keeps happening to them!

And I hate it so damn much. It causes me such deep emotional pain. It's like what Bones did to Zack and it's hard for me to handle.

It's just so unfair! And it's not even a good story.

It's literally bad writing. First of all, it's lazy. Second of all, I feel like I can say it is like objectivley just bad writing.

I remember in my senior year of high school, we read Aristotle's break down on what makes a tragedy in literature, and it summed up exactly what was wrong with Magisterium so perfectly.

He said that in order for a tragedy to work, you need a character who is flawed but not evil, and relatable but not overly likeable. That way the audience feels bad for his ultimate demise, but also feels it's justified.

He said that if the character was just evil, we don't get sad, we instead are happy when he meets his demise. We feel that he has gotten his "just desserts"

And that when a character is too good, and hasn't done anything to deserve his downfall.....

We get angry.

That if a character is punished despite not doing anything wrong, we will want justice for that character.

THAT is the problem with Magisterium.

Call is told he is a "punishment" at 12 years old solely for distrusting an authority that killed his mother. He falls off a log that he was SUPPOSED to fall off of and gets punished for getting injured. Master Rufus automatically assumes Call would use an anti-scrying stone to cause trouble despite him not having caused any trouble at the Magisterium thus far (the only time he did anything that broke the rules that Rufus knew about was to sneak out of the school and save their precious Makar, Aaron). He gets thrown into literal adult prison at 14 for a murder that he didnt commit of his best friend (slash boyfriend) with no outside contact with Tamara or his own father for SIX MONTHS. He is then kidnapped by Anastasia at only 15 and forced to create chaos ridden. He then returns to the Magisterium at around 16 and everyone still thinks he murdered Aaron and treats him like a murderer. And then his dad, the ONLY person who ever loved him 100% uncondionally and didn't hate him at some point in his life, gets turned into a fucking devoured as a "punishment" for not wanting the very last person in his life to die at the hands of the people responsible for the deaths of everyone else in his life.

That is so fucking bad. That is so fucking bad. That is so fucking terrible.

And the authors don't even fucking care.

I am so fucking mad. Typing all that out literally HURTS me.

THIS is why I need to make the Magisterium movies someday. THIS is why I'm mad at myself every day for not making more progress on getting filmmaking experience and learning about how to make money so I can buy the film rights. THIS is why I'm driving myself crazy every day.

Because I love Call. Call is so fucking real to me and I can't let this be his life. I just cant.

[am-i-obsessed---maybe]

hello!!! sosoosososo sw rebels. gn reader and ezra and reader have a sibling relationship. in my mind its like zeb and ezra but tamer .. if you can somehow fit hurt/comfort into the story thatd be fun!!! but ty for reading and doing this request if you do!!! 🫶🫶

I don't know if this is tamer than Ezra and Zeb but it's kinda like a mashup of Ezra and Zeb and Ezra and Sabine. That being said be ready for my favorite Star Wars ship and the parents of the Ghost family to be very good parents.

Also Hera's voice actress also voices Black Canary on Young Justice and between this and the Shadow Of A Bluejay series I think you can tell I want her to be my mom.

Am I slightly projecting? Is the reader Autistic coded? Who knows but I found myself projecting my own communication issues on Mandalorians so...

Platonic Ezra Bridger x Mandolorian!Reader

Wordcount: 1.6k

Masterlist

"Y/N"...

"Y/N"...

The doors to your room opened but you didn't look up, you were after all very comfortable on your top bunk polishing your blaster.

"You know one micro movement and I can splatter your insides on that wall right?" You asked, still not looking up from your blaster.

"You wouldn't do that" Ezra said confidently.

"I might not mean to, seeing as you keep coming in here without knocking" You told the slightly younger boy. He rolled his eyes.

"I was calling your name" Ezra said.

"And I wasn't listening" You replied.

"Well that's not my fault" He said.

"What do you want anyway shorty?" You asked and that got to him.

"We are the same height!" He exclaimed.

"No we're not" You said calmly.

"It is by half a centimeter, it's the same height" He insisted.

"No. It's not" You reiterated.

"You know what, forget it" Ezra said, storming out of your room.

"Oh come on, you know I'm joking" You said, finally putting the blaster away and going after Ezra.

It had only been a few months since the kid joined, maybe you were a bit too comfortable with your teasing but you thought it was a game.

"Ezra come back here!" You yelled after the little streak of blue hair you saw running out of the open hull of the Ghost.

"What's going on here exactly?" Hera asked, she'd heard yelling and saw Ezra run off.

"He just ran off!" You told her but she raised a brow in question.

"Okay, maybe there was some teasing but he came into my room without knocking. That's against the rules" You told her.

"You gotta let up on him, he's not used to... well to you yet. And you can be a lot sometimes kid" She said. You supposed she was right. She was far from the first person to tell you that.

Still you looked out at the direction that Ezra ran to. You were parked by a mountain with some caves on Lothal, decently far from any major cities and very much in the middle of nowhere so he had to come back sooner or later... right?

Later came and he still wasn't back. It was getting closer to sunset and you were getting worried.

"He'll be back before sundown, don't worry so much" Kanan told you as you paced the hull of the Ghost. He still wasn't back. He must have been really mad at you.

You grumbled, "I didn't mean to upset him so much, really I— I just—"

"Hey" Kanan said, lightly shaking your shoulder, "He'll come back and you'll tell him just that." he said.

Do you really think he'll come back?" You asked.

"It's not like he'd spend the night in a cave" Kanan said. Well nighttime rolled in and Ezra still wasn't back.

"That's it. I'm going to find him" You said, grabbing a flashlight and walking out.

"Aren't you going to stop them?" Zeb asked but Kanan just shrugged.

"They're big kids, they'll figure this out themselves" He said, "Besides when was the last time it was this quiet on here?" He asked, kicking back and laying his feet on the holotable.

Chopper beeped sassily.

"Yeah well no one asked for your opinions chop" Kanan retorted.

You started by going in the direction you saw Ezra run in hours ago but it's been so long he could practically be anywhere.

"Ezra!" You called out.

"Ezra! It's me! Can you please come back?" You yelled out into the mountains and heard it echoing back.

"Great" You grumbled. You kept walking, the flashlight and the stars being the only ones lighting your way.

You eventually found Ezra, sitting in the entrance of a shallow cave carved into one of the mountains.

"Ezra?" You asked and he scooted away from you.

"What do you want?" He asked and you stopped. Every step closer to him you took he kept scooting away on the floor of the cave.

"It's dark..." You said, trailing off.

"Yeah, and what do you care?" He asked.

"Well you weren't back and everyone was worried" You answered.

"So where's everyone else?" He asked.

"Well..."

"Just leave me alone." He said.

"Look, I get it, your mad at me and maybe a crossed a line but can you please just come back to the Ghost? It's dangerous out here" You tried to tell him.

"I'm fine. I made it out here all on my own before and I can do it again" Ezra said.

"Yeah but you don't have to. Come on Ezra, let's just go home and—"

"The Ghost is not my home!" He yelled and it echoed through the cave.

"Ezra"

"I get it, you don't like me, you don't have to pretend. Just go away and leave me alone" Ezra said, turning his back to you.

"You know what? Fine! Die alone in a cave for all I care, I'm going back to the Ghost! You do whatever you want" You said and stormed off.

When you came back to the Ghost alone Kanan looked a bit worried.

"You didn't find him?" He asked.

"Oh I found him but if he wants to be a jerk he can be a jerk in a cave." You said, walking past him and straight back to your room.

Hera, who had been sitting beside Kanan looked at him.

"Do you wanna take the moody teenager or the runaway kid?" She asked and Kanan sighed.

"I'll take the kid" He said and went out to find Ezra meanwhile Hera went to knock on your door.

It didn't take Kanan long to find Ezra, still holed up in the cave where you found him, throwing pebbles at the walls of the cave in frustration and grumbling to himself.

"Hey" Kanan said.

"Hey" Ezra replied and Kanan took a seat on the ground o the cave.

"You had us a bit worried back there" Kanan said.

"Yeah well I only go where I'm wanted." Ezra said.

"We want you on the Ghost. You know that" Kanan told him.

"Y/N obviously doesn't" The boy replied.

"Sit down" Kanan told him and Ezra turned around.

"What for?" He asked.

"Just do it" Kanan said and Ezra eventually did, sitting down beside the older Jedi.

"Why do you think Y/N doesn't want you around?" Kanan asked his padawan.

"Cause" Ezra replied.

"Cause what?" Kanan asked.

"Cause they're always such a jerk. I mean, I just wanted to ask if they wanted to hang out and they were—" "Being Y/N?" Kanan asked.

"Well yeah" Ezra replied.

"Listen, I'm gonna tell you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone I told you" Kanan said.

"Why?" Ezra asked.

"Cause if Y/N found out I told you they'd have my head" Kanan replied humorously before clearing his throat a bit.

"Y/N's a bit rougher around the edges than the rest of us, well except maybe Chopper" Kanan began.

"You're telling me" Ezra grumbled.

"But there's a good reason for it. They lost everything when they were really young and the Empire took over Mandalore." Kanan explained, "They survived by being tough. By not showing any weakness and the verbal sparring just came along naturally"

"So they're trying to show me they're tough?" Ezra asked.

"No, they're showing you that they think you're tough and that they care about you" Kanan explained.

"They don't talk that way to people they aren't close to or that they think are weak. And sometimes they take it too far but if anything that's because they think you can take it" He continued.

"So what? All those things are jokes to him? Cause they're not funny" Ezra told him.

"Then tell them that." Kanan told Ezra.

Meanwhile on the Ghost Hera knocked on your door.

"Y/N? May I come in?" She asked.

"Don't bother" You told her but the door still opened and Hera still came in.

"Kanan went to go get Ezra" She said.

"Good for him" You grumbled.

"Do you want to tell me what's going on?" Hera asked and you sighed.

"He hates me" You told her.

"Ezra doesn't hate you, he's upset but he doesn't hate you" Hera said. climbing up to sit beside you on your bunk.

"Yes he does. I went too far again and he hates me" You told her and she sighed.

Ezra didn't reply, he stared off into the dark sky outside the cave.

"They went looking for you when you didn't come back. They didn't mean to go too far" Kanan told Ezra, "And sometimes Y/N doesn't always know how far to take it but trust me kid, they care about you. Heck, they care about you enough to go after you and bring you back. That's not nothing"

"Yeah, I guess" Ezra relented.

"And you care about them too" Kanan said, "Otherwise this wouldn't have bothered you so much so come on, let's get back home"

"Yeah, alright" Ezra relented.

When Kanan and Ezra got back you were awkwardly sitting beside Hera on the couch in the Ghost's lounge. Ezra didn't look particularly confident either as he walked in with Kanan.

...

"Hey" You said after a decently long silence.

"Hi" Ezra Ezra replied.

Kanan and Hera looked at each other. "Alright, we'll be in the cockpit if you need anything" Hera said, dragging Kanan along with her.

"So..." You said and Ezra took a seat beside you.

"Yeah" He said.

"I'm sorry" You both said at the same time and you chuckled.

"I didn't mean to go overboard on the teasing" You said.

"And I didn't mean to be so mean in the cave" He said.

"It's fine, I kind of deserved it. Besides I didn't actually want you to die alone in a cave" You told him.

"You know we're kind of like the siblings in this weird crew" Ezra told you.

"I've never had a younger sibling sibling before" You told him.

"And I've never had an older sibling before" Ezra said.

"So, siblings?" You asked and put your hand out.

"Siblings" Ezra agreed and shook your hand.