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#doubt myself
butchfalin · 10 months
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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infizero · 4 months
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wait ruby HAD celebi????????? i did NOT remember that WHAT
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beleth · 2 years
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All ill say if the us supreme court decides to turn over the indian child welfare act and i don't see white people talking about it, especially white lgbt people, i will be pissed
Edit: Turned off reblogs bc it was upheld! Yippee!
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trillscienceofficer · 3 months
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“microinfluencer” but the only thing I influence you on is believing that two women from a scifi show from 25 years ago should make out
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 3 months
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With the end of season two comes a second redraw!
[Nov 2022] [June 2023] [June 2024]
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fr0gc4t · 1 year
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she’s an angel. she’s clean and she smells good. she always dresses cute and her lips r always glossy. she radiates angelic energy and attracts only lovely things. she has long, pampering morning and night routines. she works out everyday, eats healthy, and always makes sure she gets enough sleep. she does her skincare every morning and night. she’s sweet and charming and shows respect to everyone, while at the same time only allowing a sacred few to bask in her heavenly vibes. she is witty and intellectual, and always learning. she sees the good in everything. she stands up for what she believes in. her number one goal is to become the best version of herself. and of course, she knows that she is destined for happiness and success. ⋆ ˚。⋆୨୧˚
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puppyeared · 9 months
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my attempt at making a fursona
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alkalische · 2 days
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went into mgs2 blind and when i first saw him i thought "he is WAY too handsome for who i think he is"
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uncanny-tranny · 1 year
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To any disabled person undergoing tests to find What's Wrong: I hope your results come back the way you hope and that you receive the help you need. I hope you are not denied care, I hope you are taken seriously even after this, and I hope that you will be taken care of compassionately
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deep-space-lines · 2 months
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in case anyone was wondering where I disappeared to for the past few days, i've been going insane again. fun fact staring at stained glass windows for hours on end will not turn you catholic (source: i stared at so many stained glass windows to make this bc i really wanted to go for a realistic church window sort of vibe)
tumblr is a coward and won't let me upload the full size images so you can look at them and zoom in to your heart's content (please look at them. please) [1] [2]
Prints of this are available on my Society6 (both versions cuz I'm indecisive) (it may take a little while for them to actually appear on the site)
Details:
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Timelapse under the cut!
my favorite part of this is when I'm trying to get the pose down and I keep flipping the canvas and it looks like they're doing a silly little dance :)
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tshortik · 1 year
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I love you messy artstyle i love you visible brush strokes I love you textures and rough edges I love you imperfections I love you roughness and colour blobs I love you scratchy sketches and bold stylisation and dirt and imperfections I love you ugly and raw emotion!!!!! ❤️
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blitzwhore · 3 months
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HELL YES
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They said in the comments that these are all canon 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 happy pride to us holy shit
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firewasabeast · 1 month
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prompt: tommy's dad shows up at the 118 out of nowhere
heads up: Tommy's dad is a homophobic asshole here, and he acts as such. Also contains references to past child abuse (hit with a belt, and knocking a kid)
Bobby was in the middle of cooking dinner with Buck, the rest of the team hanging out on the sofa, when the newest probie, Jones, came walking up the stairs. “Uh, Cap? There's a man here who wanted to talk to you.”
The man followed closely behind Jones, who went right back downstairs to continue with whatever he had been up to.
Bobby wiped his hands off on a towel before walking over to the man. “I'm Captain Nash- Bobby,” he introduced, shaking the man's hand. “How can I help you?”
“Good to meet you, Bobby,” the man replied. His shake was firm, almost aggressive. “I'm actually here looking for my kid. Haven't heard from him in a while and last he told me, he was workin' here.”
As much as Buck was trying not to be obviously nosy, he couldn't help but keep glancing over at the guy. He looked so familiar, but Buck couldn't quite place him. When the man caught Buck's eyes, he quickly looked away and grabbed a nearby can, pretending to fiddle with it.
“I'll help how I can. What's his name?”
“Thomas Kinard. I'm his father, Richard.”
The can Buck was holding dropped onto the counter with a loud thud. Everyone's head whipped in his direction.
“S- Sorry. It, um, it slipped from my, uh, my hand.”
“Uh,” Bobby turned back to Richard, “I'm sorry Mr. Kinard, but Tommy hasn't worked here in about seven and a half years.”
“Figures.” Richard shook his head. “Damn kids'll screw you over every chance they get, won't they?”
Buck hurried over to introduce himself before Bobby could even manage a response.
“Mr. Kinard, hi,” he started, wiping his hand on his pants before reaching out for a shake. “I'm Buck. Evan, um, Evan Buckley. You can call me Evan, or Buck, whichever.”
Richard stared at him in a way that Buck wasn't exactly sure what he was thinking. “Buck's a strong name. I like strong names. We'll go with Buck.”
Buck nodded. “Sure. That- That's fine.”
“So, Buck, did you work with Tom before he left here?”
That's when it hit Buck. If this man didn't even know where Tommy worked, he definitely didn't know Buck was his boyfriend. He could feel himself begin to sweat. Could sense everyone's eyes on him. “Um, no, I- I mean, yes. I work with him, um, sometimes, but not- we didn't work together h- here. So, no.”
Richard snickered. “Cat got your tongue, Kiddo?”
“Why don't you go get your phone, Buck?” Bobby suggested. “Let Tommy know his dad is here.”
“Huh? Oh, um, yes. Yeah, I'll do that.” Buck hoped and prayed to God in that moment that Richard didn't notice the phone in his pocket.
“And while Buck does that, you can have a seat.” Bobby led him over to the table, where the rest of the team was now making their way over. “Once Tommy gets here we'll have lunch.”
*****
Buck skipped every other step as he went downstairs, hurrying outside to call Tommy.
He answered on the third ring. “Hey, Evan. What's up? Everything okay?”
They may have the same job, but it didn't stop them from worrying about one another when they were on shift.
“Hey! Everything's fine, but c- can you come down to the station?”
“You miss me that much?” Tommy joked. “You're off in like four hours, Babe.”
“No, I know. I mean, yes, I miss you, but no that's not why I need you here.”
“What's going on, Evan?” He sounded worried again.
“Your... Tommy, your dad came in looking for you. He's, um, he's waiting here.”
The silence lasted so long that Buck glanced at his phone to see if the call had dropped. “Are you there, Tommy?”
Finally, Buck heard the sounds of Tommy shuffling around. “I'm on my way,” he answered. Any lingering happiness in his voice was long gone. “And Evan?”
“Yeah?”
“I'm sorry.”
“Sorry?” Buck asked. “Why're you-”
Tommy hung up before Buck could get out the question. He sighed, put the phone in his pocket, and headed back upstairs.
“-it looks like the damn United Nations in here.”
Buck's eyes met Eddie's. It was clear he'd walked in on the middle of a conversation that shouldn't be happening.
Eddie shook his head at Buck. A silent don't ask.
Buck sat down quietly, his leg shaking with nerves and his stomach filled with knots. Tommy wasn't even there, but he already felt terrible for him as Richard happily went into a very depressing story about Tommy crying after a girl kissed him when he was twelve years old.
*****
Tommy steeled himself before walking up the stairs at the station. It took everything he had in him to not turn around and go right back home.
He couldn't do that though. Couldn't leave his father with Evan, or anyone else up there. They didn't deserve that.
“Tom had half the girls in the school chasing after him, askin' him to prom, and he still went with the most unattractive looking thing you'd ever seen.”
“Missy was not unattractive, Dad,” Tommy said from the top of the staircase. Everyone turned in his direction. “She was sweet and my best friend at the time.”
“Girl had braces twice the size of her face.”
Richard made no effort to stand and greet his son, not that Tommy expected him to.
Tommy was met with apprehensive hello's from the team, and a look of nervous concern from Evan.
“Come sit with us,” Bobby said, motioning to the seat beside Buck. “We were about to eat when your dad came in, so I figured we could have lunch together.”
“Thanks, Bobby.”
Tommy sat down stiffly, avoiding any physical contact with Evan. Not that Evan was trying anything either. He kept his hands firmly planted on his thighs.
“What are you doing here, Dad?” Tommy was purposefully avoiding eye contact with everyone else in the room. Maybe if he tried hard enough, they'd all disappear and not have to witness whatever was inevitably about to occur.
“Figured seven years was long enough to go by without seeing ya. Thought I'd stop by and see what you'd been up to.”
Bobby finished setting out the food and everyone began to pass around the dishes and fill up their plates.
“You know you could've come by my house, Dad.”
“Lost your address. You know I'm no good with computers. Plus, thought it'd be nice to see you in action.”
“Oh, well, I'm off for the next two days so... no action.”
“Where are you at now?”
“Harbor Station. I'm a pilot there, but I work ground ops sometimes too.”
“Back to flying, huh?” Richard sounded genuinely impressed. “Good. That's good. Got you a girl yet?”
The spoon Chimney had in his hand dropped loudly onto his plate as Buck choked on the bite of food in his mouth.
“Sorry,” Chimney muttered as Buck coughed.
He grabbed his water and took a couple sips. “Sorry. Sorry, uh, wrong pipe,” he explained, clearing his throat.
Tommy sighed. “Nope. No girl.”
“Well, soon. You're a good lookin' man. Get yourself out there, they'll come running.”
“Running so hard they injure their best friend,” Eddie mumbled, earning him a kick under the table from Hen.
Richard didn't seem to hear the comment, but Chimney spoke up anyway. “So, Mr. Kinard, what do you do?”
“Nothing now, but I did twenty years in the Marines, oil rigging after that. Retired about seven years now.”
“Tough work.” Hen regretted her words the second Richard puffed his chest at them.
“That's right. I always drilled into Tommy's head the importance of hard work.”
"More like knocked it in,” Tommy muttered.
The room quieted.
Richard took a sip of his drink, then opted for a subject change. “Shame I can't see where you're working now, Tom. Guess you were so busy talking about that other thing you failed to mention you were somewhere else.”
“That other thing?” Tommy repeated. “You mean me telling you I was gay and you laughing in my face? Is that the other thing you're talking about?”
“Well, it was all a load of crap, wasn't it? Just another way to disrespect your old man.” Richard looked around the room as he laughed, apparently not paying any attention to the fact that he was the only one laughing. “That was always Tom for ya. Shootin' off his mouth, causing trouble. I told him one day he'd take it too far.”
“Telling you he was gay was him taking it too far?” Hen wasn't even trying to hide the disgust on her face. Richard was too busy being an ass to notice.
“I just knew it wasn't true. He comes to my house all serious, sayin' he's got something he's gotta tell me. I thought maybe he was going back into the army, the reserves or something. Then he tells me he's a queer. I know the world is changing and all that crap, but I also know my son, and that's not my son.”
Tommy felt on the verge of tears now. He hadn't taken more than a couple bites of food, using his fork to swirl the rice and the peas. He wished more than anything he could make himself smaller. So small no one could see him. He was embarrassed and ashamed that all these people he cared about, all these people who were starting to really get to know him for all that he was, were now seeing the disgrace that was his father. That's all they'd be able to see when they looked at him, especially Evan.
Evan who somehow always looked at Tommy like he'd hung the moon and stars. Evan, who made Tommy feel so undeservingly cared for. Who had just swapped I love you's with Tommy a few weeks ago... Now, this is what he'd see. This is what he'd think about. And who could love that?
“Or maybe you just don't know your son.”
Tommy's head shot up and over at the sound of Evan's voice. He sounded angry. He looked angry. Tommy was pretty sure if he could shoot fire, the whole place would be up in flames right now.
“Excuse me?” Richard glared. “Who the hell are you to tell me whether or not I know my son?”
Before Buck even had a chance to make up some lie, Tommy was reaching over and taking his hand, squeezing tight. “He's my boyfriend,” he said.
Richard huffed out a laugh.
This time, he noticed that no one else was laughing. “You screwin' with me?”
“No. Just like I wasn't screwin' with you seven years ago, I'm not now.”
The way Richard shook his head made Tommy feel like he was seven years old again, about to get the belt for bringing a turtle in the house. “My buddy Vic told me his daughter saw you with some guy on Facebook. Called him an ass and an idiot and you're telling me he was right?”
“Is that why you really came here? To harass me and Evan?”
“I never looked at the picture!” Richard replied, his voice rising. “And I had no clue you weren't here anymore. I came here to see you, to get the truth.”
“Well, you got it.”
“That the real reason you quit the army then? So you could be a sissy?”
Tommy's eyes widened, the question catching him off guard. Out of all the ways this conversation could have gone, he didn't expect it to pivot that way. “You've got to be kidding me. Dad, I did not quit the army, I was discharged.”
“And the reasoning never really made sense to me, son, I gotta tell ya-”
“Well it doesn't have to make sense to you, it made sense to the military-”
“-because no son of mine would go crazy in the army. Absolutely ridiculous to-”
“-which is why I got to leave, and I did not go crazy I had a brief-”
“-make up some sort of excuse like that and think it would fly-”
“Okay! Okay!” Buck yelled over them, motioning for them to stop. “I think you proved whatever point you were trying to make, Richard. Let it go.”
Tommy quieted, but Richard couldn't hold his tongue.
“What?” he provoked. “That's what you said it was, didn't you? After some mission gone wrong, you didn't sleep for like a week or something. Went cuckoo so they let you leave? S'what you told me.”
“Okay,” Bobby spoke up, his voice deep and commanding. “Richard, I think you've been here long enough. You should go.”
“If my kid wants me gone he can tell me himself.”
Through his shame, Tommy managed to glare over at his dad. “I never wanted you here in the first place.” He was shaking, his heart racing, but his voice remained steady. He was grateful for that.
An eerie silence weighed heavily around the table. The two men stared each other down until Richard finally tossed his napkin onto the table and stood up, his chair screeching with the motion. “Don't have anything here for me anyway.”
That was Richard. Always had to get in the final word.
Once his dad had descended the staircase, Tommy released a deep breath. “Well, that was fun,” he said shakily, trying for a smile.
He couldn't quite seem to make one appear.
He couldn't look anyone in the eyes either. The silence was driving him insane. He knew they had to be watching him with pity.
His eyes were burning, his lip was trembling. He was so close to falling apart.
He really didn't want anyone see him, but he also knew he was too shaky to stand. He opted for planting his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands.
After a few quiet seconds, Tommy could hear everyone scooting out of their chairs.
A hand rested on his shoulder, giving it a brief squeeze. “Take your time up here,” Bobby said. “Don't worry if you hear the alarm.”
“You've got family with us, Man,” Eddie said as he passed by, giving Tommy a pat on the back.
Chimney was next with a, “Love ya, Bud.”
“Whatever you need,” Hen added as she passed by, “we've got you.”
The gentle touches and words of affirmation as each person went by was what broke him. He pressed his palms hard against his eyes as his shoulders began to shake.
There was another hand on him now. Rubbing his back in gentle, slow circles.
Evan.
“I'm here, Babe,” he said softly. “I'm here.”
The sob that escaped him at Evan's words sounded more like a whine. Tommy was sure he'd never heard himself make that noise before, but now he couldn't stop it.
Evan pulled him in, wrapping his arms around him tight. Tommy hid his face in the crook of Buck's neck, his hands loosely grabbing at Buck's waist as he continued to cry.
They stayed like that for minutes. Evan continued rubbing his back, holding him, letting him get out all the feelings he'd been holding in for years.
“I'm so sorry, Evan,” Tommy whimpered once he was able to find his voice.
Evan held him tighter. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I didn't...” his breath hitched. “That could've been me. That was... was almost me.”
“No,” Evan disagreed. “No, you're nothing like him.” He turned his head to press a kiss into Tommy's hair. “Can you look at me?”
Reluctantly, Tommy lifted his head and pulled back just enough to look Evan in the eyes.
He sniffed, his breathing starting to come back to normal. He was sure his face was puffy and red. He knew a stray tear or two was still falling too.
Evan reached up and wiped the tears away, his thumbs continuing to brush over Tommy's cheeks so he could keep his attention. “You are not and have never been that man. You understand me?”
“Evan.”
“No, I mean it, Tommy. You think Chimney and Hen would ever give him a chance?” He shook his head. “No way in hell.”
Tommy bit at his lip. “This is so stupid,” he said with a wet laugh. “Crying because my dad was mean to me, like I'm some baby or something.”
Evan ran his hands down Tommy's arms until he intertwined their hands on his lap. “Not stupid. Very reasonable, actually. Quite possibly an under-reaction.” He brought one of Tommy's hands up to his mouth and gave it a kiss. “There's only a few hours of my shift left. I'm sure Bobby wouldn't mind if I left a little early. I can drive you to your place, we'll relax with a movie. Sound good?”
Tommy knew he should say no. Knew he should tell Evan that he was a big boy and could handle a few hours alone until Evan got off work. Instead, what came out of his mouth was, “Are you sure?”
“I'm sure.”
“What about my car?”
Evan shrugged. “We'll pick it up tomorrow.”
“Okay... Okay, yeah. I probably shouldn't be driving anyway.”
After wiping away another tear, Evan leaned in and pressed his lips against Tommy's in one of the softest, yet most loving kisses Tommy had ever felt in his life.
“I love you, Tommy.”
“I love you, Evan.”
“And Eddie's right, you know? Everyone here, including me of course,” he smiled, “we're your family. You know that right?”
Tommy nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.”
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sereneabyyss · 3 months
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I see so many things where like SY is the sweet innocent one who shows SJ how to love and be loved and fixes him blah blah blah. But oh come on now, this is Peerless Cucumber we're talking about. Number one hater extraordinaire. He is so bitchy. He would not fix SJ if anything he would make him worse.
I need more content that's just SY and SJ standing with their twin fans unfolded, viciously tearing their opponents (the other peak lords) apart with their barbed insults. I need them casting vicious mockery within every battle, whether it be against demon, peak lord, or random civilian who just happened to spill tea on them.
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sea-buns · 7 months
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SO insane that Sam has seen AND liked this... I'm so cozy in my little tumblr corner that I forget my words can escape containment and be perceived beyond Aabria Iyengar
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hyakunana · 1 year
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When you need to lie, but you're a good boy.
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