#dynamic instability

[fuckyeahfluiddynamics]

A Stellar Look at NGC 602

The young star cluster NGC 602 sits some 200,000 light years away in the Small Magellanic Cloud. Seen here in near- and mid-infrared, the cluster is a glowing cradle of star forming conditions similar to the early universe.  (Image credit: NASA/ESA/CSA/JWST; via Colossal) Read the full article

[virtualmosshroom]

Anyone else get a loud whooshing in their head when they bend or twist their spine ?? 😵‍💫

It’s one of those days where my head is too heavy and my spine is so rigid and my heart rate is too high and I’m stuck in bed 🥲

[slaughterlocked]

[ deck ] your muse decking mine in the face. ( from henry for Reasons You Can Probably Guess lmao / @ladyseidr )

WILLIAM HAS TO LAUGH OR HE THINKS HE’LL GO MAD. HENRY LOOKS GOOD FROM THE FLOOR, TOWERING OVER HIM — wrong thoughts to have when Henry is so blatantly, ridiculously unable to understand his intentions, but William admires his old best friend ( is that what they’d been? ) as he wipes his bloody nose. Violent with anger, oh, what a team they could have made: if only Henry hadn’t been quite so moral, quite so cowardly. How can someone so brilliant be so afraid of progress? William doesn’t think he’ll ever understand.

Not that he has the time to, either: he props himself up on his elbows, scrambling back from the furious figure of Henry. “Easy now, easy,” he says, like trying to soothe a wild animal, half - scornful, derisive, and half - appealing. Hoping, deep down, that Henry will come to his senses, realizes the great work William is doing. In the name of science, in the name of eternity. Doesn’t Henry love him enough to want that? A forever with him? “Listen to me, Henry, just a moment—”

Heaving himself to his feet, head reeling from his sudden blow to the face, William gingerly smiles, touching across his cheek and jaw to ensure no breakage. It hurts like hell, sure to leave a bruise or two, but it doesn’t feel broken. He takes this as a positive: Henry cares enough not to damage him properly. His smile grows, appealing, earnest. Manic. “I understand that my experiments come as a, erm, as a shock to you. But if you hear me out, I can fix it. Fix everything. Henry—” And here William laughs once more, almost childishly enthused about his next sentence. “I can bring our families back again. Don’t you see how incredible my studies are?”

[currentlyonstandbi]

can't believe i didn't watch hannibal when it first came out. will graham was written to be the specific kind of miserable little man that would've fundamentally altered my brain chemistry

[rawliverandgoronspice]

rip for my one and only over-animated fight scene that I will eventually have to cleanup and do the shading of u_u

[runelocked]

HER  GUN  WOBBLES,  LIKE  HE’D  KNOWN  IT  WOULD.  THE  WORST  PART  ABOUT  AGE  IS  HOW  HORRIBLY  PREDICTABLE  IT  MAKES  THE  YOUTH.  William pushes and she pushes too but the gun is telling of every single inch of pressure bearing down on her back.  We are not the same. I chose this. ————  And  hadn’t  he  chosen  this  too ?  Isn’t  this  his  design,  the  one  he’d  spent  years  perfecting ?

He’s only been living this for ten years and he is so terribly tired already.  For a flicker of a second, faster than the lightning outside and faster than the wavering motion of her gun,  he wonders just how he expects to do this for eternity.  Shoot  me.  Something  dark  in  him  urges,  pushes,  not  stepping  but  leaning  closer  to  her,  end  it  before  this  ruins  you  further.

THERE’S THEIR DIFFERENCE.  She  hadn’t  wanted  this.  He can only stare lifelessly, cracked lips parting soundless.  A modern day martyr.  Chosen for purposes bigger than she can ever conceive, forced to carry the consequences of them anyway.  At least,  in a sense,  he understands part of the agony.  Knows the pain of the ones she avenges,  because it runs through him,  literally.  If he lies awake at night as he so often does it’s almost tangible inside him, that excruciation, that fear.  He bleeds red and purple to carry them. She bears their scars.  They  are  different,  then.  He  cuts  them  down,  severs  strings;  she  cradles  them,  lifts  them  up.  Gives  them  life  –  reminds  him  of  his  Charlie,  his  niece,  his  girl.   Puppet. Drunken mistake, stupid spiteful grief: I'll take from Henry what was taken from me. Make him hurt. At  that  thought,  his  hand,  slowly,  lifts.  Tugs  at  his  collar,  tugs  at  the  unforgiving  fabric.  The  only  admission  of  sorrow  he  is  still human  enough  to  show  her.  The  only  sign  he  knows  exactly  how  this  will  end.  

❝ It’s  alright, ❞  William  says,  inexplicably,  ❝ it’s  alright. ❞  Bizarrely  tries  to  comfort  the  girl   staring  him  down,  gun  in  hand:  it’s alright,  you’ve come so far.  You’ve done enough.  ❝ There  is  no  ending  here,  Charlotte.  Happy  or  otherwise.  This  does  not  end. ❞   Repeating  himself,  like  sheer  force  of  emphasis  he  can  get  her  to  understand.  ❝ Not  for  them.  Not  for  anyone. ❞  DO  YOU  UNDERSTAND  WHAT  YOU’VE  MADE  YOURSELF  PART  OF ?  ❝ No  matter  how  many  you  try  to  save,  there  will  always  be  more. ❞

We  are  not  the  same,  but  you  have  made  yourself  my  parallel.  Part  of  the  same  machine.  He  is  so  aware  of  the  yellow  rabbit  suit  behind  him,  a  grounding  force,  a  soothing  presence.  Over  the  years  it  really  has  become  part  of  him.  It’s  alright.  The  words  turn  to  self - calming.  You’ve  come  so  far.  You’ve  not  done  enough  yet.  

His  turn  to  parrot  her  words  back  in  her  face,  half  a  smile  not  necessarily  malicious  seizing  hold  of  his  voice:

❝  You  can’t  tell  me  you  didn’t  figure  that  out. ❞

CONTINUED. / @cantfixyou

[sirenaceae]

His sister's absence isn't unusual, but John has never much cared for her ways, her entrance into their family, a sister found in faith - the irony isn't lost on him, even if that isn't the sole reason for Joseph naming her that - rather than blood. But where John finds that blood brings the sins out of people, Faith uses her drugs. The Bliss. It feels stupid to use something of the sort, but Joseph doesn't listen. Faith is their sister because he commands it, and John has learned not to bring it up any longer.

But Joseph isn't here, and John doesn't care if most don't find her absence unusual. He doesn't trust it. So he leans his back against the table, crosses his arms over his chest, appraises her with a cold stare offset by a practiced smile that can feign warmth. He's sure she sees right through it. "So, where have you been? Had nothing but fun, I'm sure." He could say something if she left Hope County, but she's too smart, wouldn't admit to that even if she did. "The family missed you."

(and I've missed writing my FC5 muses, please take John being a little shit. I'll send Joseph and maybe my girl December her way too sometime soon)

It had been almost a fortnight. Enough time to get clean, sure, but no where near enough to be rehabilitated. Truth was, Faith had started to hear the whispers again, whispers from a teenage girl who had no where else to go and who had her own hopes and plans for the future fucked away.

Needless to say John was the last brother she wished to face fresh out of her drug cleanse. Joseph could make her feel loved. Jacob didn't a flying fuck so long as she kept supplying his men with barrels of Bliss, so if Jacob were here, she had a reason to be angry with the men in charge of production.

But John was here. And John hated her, told in how he constantly had his foot out ready to trip her up. His smile never reached his eyes — Faith flashed a shit eating grin of her own. "I found your latest fling and I pegged 'em legless." she claimed. "Someone had to give 'em a good fucking."

It was the childish kind of remark that Faith knew itched John the wrong way. Like siblings poking at each other's sore spots. But she was sober and in a petty kind of mood.

"I've been busy, John. Can you refine Bliss? Stabalise the formula so it retains its golden ratio of hallucinogenic and truth-serum properties while minimising the pesky little seizures and damage to the nervous system?" Perhaps she wasn't telling the whole truth. But in order to remain useful, she had to get clean. "I'd love a little fun. Fuck, am I finally going to be invited to a family barbeque? I'll bring the salad."

[fuckyeahfluiddynamics]

Salt Fingers

Any time a fluid under gravity has areas of differing density, it convects. We're used to thinking of this in terms of temperature -- "hot air rises" -- but temperature isn't the only source of convection.  (Video and image credit: M. Mohaghar et al.) Read the full article

[lookingjoligood]

Housing as a Human Right: Maslow’s Hierarchy Meets Matthew Desmond’s Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City

As I wrote in a previous post, Matthew Desmond’s Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City is a powerful exploration of housing insecurity and its far-reaching effects on individuals and families. Through his ethnographic study of eight families in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Desmond captures the relentless struggles of people trying to secure the most basic human necessity: a home. As I have…

[tmarshconnors]

Iran launches drones at Israel

As tensions escalate in the Middle East, reports emerge of Iran launching a barrage of drones towards Israel, further intensifying the volatile situation in the region. The incident has triggered widespread concern and condemnation from global leaders, raising fears of a potential escalation in hostilities.

The drone attack represents a dangerous escalation in Iran's ongoing confrontations with Israel and its allies. Such actions not only threaten the security and stability of the region but also undermine efforts for peaceful resolution and dialogue.

In response to the attack, Israel is likely to deploy its advanced defence systems and may retaliate, raising the specter of further violence and instability. The international community must urgently engage to de-escalate tensions and prevent a dangerous spiral of conflict.

Efforts to address the root causes of the tensions between Iran and Israel, including regional rivalries and geopolitical ambitions, remain essential for long-term peace and stability. Diplomatic channels must be utilised to find peaceful solutions to the underlying issues driving these conflicts.

As the situation continues to unfold, it is imperative for all parties involved to exercise restraint and prioritize dialogue over confrontation. The consequences of further escalation are grave, with the potential to destabilize the entire region and inflict untold suffering on innocent civilians.

[slaughterlocked]

ON JAN 3RD, @bravevolunteer SENT: I hope you die. I hope we both die.

REALLY, MICHAEL? IS WHAT HE WANTS TO SIGH. BEFORE WE'VE FINISHED BREAKFAST? Not that he can blame the boy. 1985 has been an awful year for both of them. The scrutiny, the suspicion, the sense of displacement - it's all enough to drive anyone mad. If he's feeling charitable, he can almost sympathise.

So, in a rare display of mercy, he bites back an eye roll. Doesn't let his temper rise like it's so prone to do these days. Instead, William takes another sip from his (irritatingly lukewarm) mug, and appraises Michael over its rim. "Don't let the locals hear you saying that. Do you hear me?" He says. His stiff-necked collar feels cool against his throat when he swivels his head to eye the partially-opened window, antsy, adding: "That's all we'd need. Another accusation to lob at you." Keep your mouth shut. Itching for something to smoke, or drink, or break, William wraps both hands around his mug, holding it close like its pathetically delicate make can ward off the possibility of further scrutiny from the neighbours coming their way.

He continues, as if Michael is the unreasonable, unstable one ( alright, actually, unstable is a label Michael owns just as much as William does ), as if Michael's words aren't echoing William's own burning blistering thoughts he can't quite shake. Contrasting to Michael, though, William's mantra is near hysterics, bordering on manic. I HOPE YOU LIVE FOREVER. I HOPE WE BOTH LIVE FOREVER. AND I HOPE YOU OWE THAT TO ME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

His eye twitches. Too early for those sort of thoughts. Instead, he tries to sound placating. (Is certain he sounds condescending instead.)

"If you're ready to stop whining like you're ten years old, I need your help in the study today. Are you up to that, or will you snap and kill us both with a wrench instead?"

[moyazaika]

housewife syndrome

yandere! rockstar x fem! reader

cw; possessive + obsessive behaviour, severe mental instability, paranoia, anxiety, violence, heavy nsfw themes, mdni 18+

genie's notes; commissioned piece by a very sweet anon ♡ thank you so much for trusting me with this absolutely stunning idea. i’ve always been a fan of domestic horror, especially of the spiralling housewife variety, so it was fun to explore a new dynamic and fresh writing style. <3

"welcome home, sweetheart!" the television runs on low volume in the background as you greet your husband with a knowing smile. you run through the motions as you always do, make sure to ask with the most innocence you can muster, "how was your day?"

feroze can make out the sound of gallant applause that indicates you'd been watching reruns of last night's award ceremony.

"such a fucking drag." your husband pulls you into his arms, buries his head into the crook of your neck with a long, satisfied sigh and takes his sweet, sweet time to breathe you in. "couldn't fucking wait to come home to you, meri jaan."

his answer remains the same as it is every other day, and you can't help but smile against his lips when he pulls you in to steal a little kiss; you sigh into his mouth, and feroze is so fucking overwhelmed by gratitude for the familiarity and comfort of this little routine the two of you have seemed to settle down into so well.

"i love when you call me that," you confess; my life.

you know just as well as him that, well—it wasn't always this easy.

"yeah," feroze hums. "i know you do, baby."

you weren't always so lovely for him, were you?

-

you're quiet.

though the two of you are sitting across from each other at the dining table, your attention is clearly elsewhere. conversation is slow, if not stagnant. it's a far cry from how talkative you usually are; and though he would never fucking admit it, least of all to you, he worries, for a fraction of a second, that things are slipping.

"meri jaan?" he sets down his fork very carefully, reaches for your hands over the table.

you blink, pulled away from wherever you'd been lost in your mind and back down to this moment that stretches on before you.

"oh, sorry, my love. what was that?"

feroze watches your eyes quietly track the movement of his fingers, sliding over your wrists, lingering, momentarily, on your pulse—nice and steady—before they intertwine with your own.

your gaze lands on him, then, expectant. he drags his thumb over your knuckles, glad to find they're soft; unmarred by any labour. he loves having you here, tucked away within the walls of this home he built just for you, away from the rest of the rotten world.

such a darling girl like you deserves to have everything taken care of for you. as far as he's concerned, the only thing on your mind should be him.

which is why the silence is beginning to irritate him, now. he's not really upset with you, doesn't have a reason to be, just yet—he's just wondering what it is you're so focused on. where do you keep going back to in that head of yours, and why aren't you here with him?

is this where it all falls apart?

—again?

"rosy?" you try. "is everything alright?"

"yeah," feroze's hazel eyes crinkle at the corners as he smiles, endearingly patient. "i just wanted to know how your day was."

"ugh, don't remind me." you stick your tongue out. "it was so boring. i woke up so late today and didn't really do anything interesting."

"shit, i'm sorry to hear that, baby."

your husband nods towards the television, still playing from inside the living room across the hall; the screen's bright colours reflect against the glass windows that take up half the wall. though the program is muted, he can still hear the echoes from the cacophony of applause ringing loud and true.

the four hour program's been running on loop on some of the smaller channels, and you really seem to enjoy tuning in, he's noticed.

it would be more difficult not to notice this new habit of yours, really. because if he's been counting right, this is the seventh time you've seen the whole thing through to the end.

"seems like you were at least watching the music thing again."

"well, when my stunning husband won half of the awards," you shrug coyly. "how could i not?"

"flattery won't get you anywhere," feroze deigns, though neither of you mention the involuntary curl to his lips as they lift into a small, self-satisfied smile.

"huh, that's strange," you frown, pull your hands away from his own and make a show of examining the elaborately stacked engagement ring and marital band wrapped around your finger. "if i seem to remember correctly, flattery is exactly what got me this ring."

"oh," he laughs. "is that so?"

"uhuh," you nod, still admiring the rings. they're big and they're flashy and there's no fucking chance anyone could ever miss the sight of them; make the mistake of misunderstanding what they mean. you're so obviously his, and fuck, it suits you so perfectly to belong to him.

i love you, he thinks fiercely. i fucking love you.

"you've got an ego, rosy." your knowing gaze flickers back to him, accompanied by a teasing smile. "bit of a praise kink, too."

"and yet, darling wife," he'll never tire of calling you that; never really overcome the thrill that overwhelms him when he sees you adorned in the markers of his devotion and tucked away all safe and sound. "you're the only person whose words mean anything to me."

"ohh, is that so?" you taunt, "whatever happened to 'flattery won't get you anywhere?'"

feroze takes in the sight of you. you're dressed casual, donned in a baggy old shirt and a pair of his softest sweats hanging low off your hips. comfortable in your own home, as you should fucking feel, you have no makeup on, and your hair is unkempt; overdue for a shower; but fuck if he cares.

feroze decides, within a moment, that he needs you—

now.

"come here, meri jaan. i'll show you."

"you greedy, greedy man," you chastise lightly, rising from your seat. "i've just fed you dinner and you're still salivating at my table."

feroze watches you make the small effort of pushing your chair in, before turning on your heel. you pause in the doorway for a second, spare him a knowing glance over your shoulder; "well? aren't you hungry, darling husband?"

he knows that none of it evades you; the nervous bob of his adam's apple as he swallows. the way his fingers are digging into the edge of the table to keep from sinking inside of you right here. his heart is racing; his pants are tight. though you're so willing to be his now, he remembers it wasn't always this easy.

"my love." feroze grits out, "i'm fucking starving."

you disappear into the hallway, mellifluous laughter like the loveliest song, echoing off the walls—inside of his head, for fuck's sake—as your husband follows faithfully behind you when you lead him into the bedroom.

dinner goes cold on the table. you never touched your plate.

upstairs, minutes later, your husband bottoms out inside of the welcoming warmth of your sweet cunt, just as your fingers brush against the butcher's knife tucked right underneath your pillow.

-

feroze gets you to come twice before he decides he has his fill. he's rummaging through your nightstand for the contraceptives he knows you keep in there. it's got less to do with what he wants and more to do with what he believes is best for the two of you.

it's not that he doesn't want children; he dreams of them often. a little baby swaddled in the softest fabrics, wrapping its entire hand around just one of his fingers. the sound of a second pair of footsteps excitedly running down the hall every time he comes home from the studio, from tour. something more to take care of. to keep you busy.

but your husband knows you.

and though he's always been selfish, he can't risk kids until—well, until he knows you won't try to kill them.

it's taken you years to accept him. he won't undo that.

feroze, so caught up in his thoughts, only really registers the blade until it's slicing into his skin, the sharp edge of it pressing against the side of his neck with just enough pressure to draw blood.

he is disappointed, though by no means surprised, to find you on the other end wielding the knife.

he turns to face you, abandoning his search. you're holding onto the hilt of your makeshift weapon with trembling hands, and though he's suddenly overcome by exhaustion—because, baby, how many more times are you going to pull this—an involuntary shiver runs down his spine at the sight nonetheless.

"jaan," he tries to reason with you in hushed tones; oh, love. "what are you doing?"

you dig the knife in just a little deeper, and he winces; "i hate you, feroze." the words sting, though the relative lack of conviction they’re laced with serves as a promising sign of reconciliation.

"i know, baby. can you please just put the knife down so we can talk like adults?"

he glimpses the almost imperceptible change immediately.

the lines of hesitation on your face; a flicker of uncertainty in your eyes. when your hold on the weapon looses just the tiniest fraction of an inch, he wastes no time in gently but firmly prying the knife from out of your trembling hands; tosses it underneath the bed where it lands out of your reach.

he’s getting better at this. gets through to you so much sooner than he used to.

you’re listening, now, aren’t you?

the thought of it makes him oddly proud.

"there we go," feroze says. you're still shaking, and though he wants so fucking desperately to pull you closer and console you—he's learnt to tread the waters carefully in times like these. you're evidently scared. obviously upset with him. he can give you a little room to breathe. “now do you want to use your words and talk to me properly?”

“i keep rewatching the awards show. every other winner had someone there with them. some girlfriend or wife they kissed before they went on stage. you’re the only one who—” you swallow, voice wavering. “i’m the only one who wasn’t there. i’m the only one who’s kept hidden away.”

“you don’t want to show me off.” the tears fall almost immediately. “you’re ashamed of me.”

there are millions of words in the english language, and millions more in his own. he’s put into words every fleeting feeling you’ve made him feel; spun both the most magnificent and mundane of emotions into beautiful songs and compelling lyrics and composed entire albums from nothing—and yet, somehow, in this moment all of it evades him.

"i spend all day stuck here w-waiting for you to come home, and when you do—i keep thinking about all those ceremonies and galas and parties you go to, rooms i can never follow you into—and i hate you. i hate you for how much you hate me—”

“i’m sorry,” feroze’s hands run up your spine, to lightly curl his fingers around the back of your neck. he tilts your head up so that you’re meeting his gaze; leaves you nowhere to look away, “meri jaan.”

his touch is so soft and so, so cold against your skin. you've always run warmer than him; but he thinks you might be burning up right now. maybe you've got a fever; or maybe you're just this delirious even without one. it doesn't fucking matter, doesn't change anything.

“i’m sorry for ever leaving you alone long enough to even think that. let me make it up to you. let me show you how much i adore you. let me build you back up again.”

“you can’t fix this,” you whisper.

he smiles, but it’s strange; doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “so you said the last time.”

-

hours later, you’re less of a sobbing wreck when he’s got you perched in his lap, and all curled up under his chin. “okay… then…” you sniff. your words are somewhat muffled as you bury your face into your husband’s chest. “i’m sorry, too. i didn’t mean to hurt you, rosy. i was just scared, i-i promise.”

"i know.” his knuckles wipe away the tears drying on your cheeks. “give me a kiss, please.”

and ever the sweet wife, you do; but your lips are trembling.

fuck, that’s—

shit.

—not going to work, is it?

with a gentle but firm hand, he pushes you down onto the bed and watches you land on your back amidst the dozens of pillows that decorate the bed. even then, the softest thing here is you. he forgets that, sometimes. let this be a lesson, he thinks to himself, to keep your fragility in mind. this is only further proof that you need him more than he'd even realised.

but you picked the right man, didn’t you? because none of that scares him.

the two of you have faced far more difficult times together; this is just a little hiccup in your life as a married couple. some story you’ll look back on and laugh about, when you’re all better.

so when you look up at him with wide, wet eyes and ask, "its just—can you promise me you still love me one more time?”

feroze regards you closely. you’re so beautiful. so fucking perfect that it overwhelms him. sometimes, he wishes you could see yourself the way that he sees you. though he’s always believed that may just scare you; knowing how deep his devotion really runs. things are fine as they are now.

well, mostly.

he has decided that he will retire from music completely, but the two of you can broach that topic when you’re in a better headspace for it. it’s been a long time coming. work keeps the money coming in, and he wants to spoil you but—he wants you to be happy, above all. you don’t really know what you’re asking for right now, but he has every intention of giving you exactly what it is you wished for.

he can’t give in when you beg to come along with him—but he can come and hide away next to you in this little pocket of the world that solely belongs to the two of you.

"you drive me to madness, my love. nothing about this life means anything if i can’t keep you happy.”

the two of you never had a white wedding; because he wanted to honour your union the right way and celebrate you as his culture deigned. so, yes, he never got to read you any vows, but he'd like to think you've come to know him well enough to understand he doesn't necessarily need to say something so sacred out loud for it to hold true.

"do you understand? i love you," he lowers his forehead against yours. “till death does us apart.”

you put your heart in his hands one more time, looking so small, so vulnerable beneath him. "you promise?"

"i promise," he closes his eyes and revels in the soft, sweeping feeling of your lashes fluttering against his own. "always and forever, meri jaan."

feroze loves you, of this he's certain.

he also knows that you fucking terrify him.

it's a small price to pay, if it means keeping you—

besides, he thinks, reaching once more for the contraceptive pills on the nightstand.

—marriage is all about compromise, is it not?

[mala--draws]

that's so cool !!! i'd so recommend a reread/nf, i'm working on getting my own copy (been using pdfs/audiobooks) to annotate, the characters r so complex and endearing(ly annoying/lh). i see them in my own life, which really just goes to show shared human experiences i think :)) anyway off topic, if u do and have any thoughts feel so free to share em :D

a fineliner sketch (0.1 and 0.05) that i digitally coloured! second attempt at johnny cade, we do nawt talk about the first one (im being dramatic)

he's still a bit scuffed even after edits but i cba and he looks cutee so :P

[runelocked]

FIGHT VIOLENCE WITH VIOLENCE, WILL SUPPOSES, A TAD TOO LATE as the air is knocked from his lungs upon hitting the wall. Resisting the urge to double over to gasp for breath, he can’t quite hide the pain that flashes across his face like wildfire, but he pays it little attention. That dangerous red mist is beginning to descend, and it half-worries, half-exhilarates him. Michael hadn’t given him a knife, side—eyeing him when he’d asked for once (like he thought the younger version of his father might kill him the moment he gets his hands on a blade), but Will had taken one anyway. Shoved it into his waistband, out of sight and out of mind. “ Tried and failed to save them, ” he returns, and it’s his turn to laugh, amusement rattling even as he struggles to keep the breathless effect from his voice, “ you can’t do anything right, can you? The worst kind of man, a cockroach: taking from others because you can’t get by yourself— ”

There’s a knife in William’s hand, and then it’s buried in the wall, quivering, up to the hilt. Will barely has time to process it, eyes blown wide open by the shock, and while there’s fear there, more than anything is that anger. Barely concealed behind a desperately blank mask, but obvious to anyone (like his older self?) that knows him well enough. That powerful desire to rip the man in front of him apart and use him for remnant, laugh in his face as he does so—it takes Will too long to dispel the idea from his mind, and by the time he does, William is speaking again. Your name forgotten because you became nobody. You will die. Like everyone else.

The hairs on the back of his neck stand up, both at the thought of William’s words being true… and in horrified anticipation of his anger. His rage is a wild thing, untamed and unpredictable, but his older self is playing him like a fiddle; getting under his skin, spitting his poison and leaving him tainted, tempted.

Prove me wrong ? Fine. Red mist blinding him, anger practically overflowing, too much for his body. Nobody is here to see him lose control anyway: nobody except William, who Will has decided must sue today. He’ll make his death the most painful experience possible. HE’LL FUCKING SHOW HIM, show Mike, show everybody: he’s not a monster.

And yet his next actions feel exactly that; monstrous, as he grabs the knife at his waist and arcs it at William’s chest, awkward with the space he’s got but otherwise reacting in sheer uncontrolled rage. Doesn’t care how much damage he really does, just that he does any at all: suddenly, viciously, tells himself he’s not leaving here until the whole place is in flames and William is burning with it. Fury bubbling up in his words, in his jerky, abrupt movements, Will spits: “Rotten, decrepit old man. I have more than you’ll ever have again. Good? Good! You think I’m good? —— we’ll see what you think when I’m ripping out your heart and you’re begging me for mercy.”

CONTINUED. / @behindslaughter

[cazshmere]

Lilith (h12) / Mean Lilith in the Houses and What We Feel Ashamed Of 🥀

materialist🔖

DISCLAIMER: These are just my personal observations and are meant for entertainment purposes only; it may not resonate with everyone due to the nuances of astrology. Please respect my work and avoid copying or stealing it. Enjoy reading!! (long post ahead)

🥀 LILITH IN THE 1ST HOUSE : feeling ashamed about your appearance, your personality, how you present yourself to the world, feeling insecure about your face, shying away from social events, embarrassed about how you act in social situations, fear of being perceived as 'too much' so prefers to stay in the background, sometimes embarrassed for using your body/physical appearance to get the things you want, feeling ashamed about self-expression, embarrassed for needing validation or attention from others, constant fear of being scrutinized or judged, feeling guilty for standing out or being bold, ashamed of the attention their natural magnetism attracts, fear of being seen as selfish for prioritising yourself and your own needs and desires, might struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling undeserving of your accomplishments or afraid that others will see through your facade, tendency to overthink how you come across to others, leading to excessive self-doubt and anxiety about first impressions, ultimately hindering your ability to be authentic and true to yourself in various situations.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 2ND HOUSE : feeling ashamed about how you derive your self-worth or validation, ashamed of your finances or the way you accumulate your income, ashamed of how greedy you can get when you want something, feeling ashamed for being too lazy, embarrassed about how much comfort you desire, ashamed with how you spend your money or how much you end up spending, feeling guilty about shopping too much or indulging in luxuries, feeling guilty for placing too much value on material possessions, ashamed of relying on material wealth or status for self-esteem, embarrassed by the need for external validation through possessions or financial success, feeling guilty for being too possessive or overly attached to things, shame around fear of financial instability, even when secure, and embarrassed by needing excessive comfort or luxury to feel secure.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 3RD HOUSE : feeling ashamed about sibling rivalry or competition, embarrassed by how often you curse or use foul language, ashamed of having negative or intrusive thoughts, feeling guilty about being too opinionated or outspoken, ashamed of struggling with communication or expressing your true feelings, feeling insecure about your intellect or how you articulate yourself, feeling embarrassed by being misunderstood or judged for your ideas, ashamed of gossiping or engaging in idle chatter, and feeling guilty for harboring resentment towards others in your close circle, embarrassed about the neighbourhood you live in, embarrassed about the vehicle you drive or the transport you use to commute.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 4TH HOUSE : feeling ashamed about your family dynamics or family background, embarrassed by your mother’s behavior or choices, feeling insecure about where you live or the condition of your home, ashamed of your roots or where you come from, feeling guilty about wanting to distance yourself from family expectations, feeling embarrassed about your private space or personal sanctuary, ashamed of your emotional vulnerabilities or how you express feelings at home, feeling guilty for wanting more than what your family can offer, feeling insecure about how your upbringing shapes your identity, feeling like the black sheep of the family, and feeling guilty for being different from the rest of your family, can even feel embarrassed about crying in front of others.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 5TH HOUSE : feeling ashamed about your dating history or past relationships, embarrassed by your romantic choices or how you express love, feeling guilty for not being able to commit or for being perceived as a flirt, ashamed of your hobbies or interests if they seem childish or trivial, feeling insecure about your creative pursuits or the way you express yourself artistically, feeling embarrassed about seeking validation through attention or admiration, ashamed of your playful side and how it might be viewed as immature, feeling guilty for prioritizing fun and pleasure over responsibilities, feeling uncomfortable with how your personality might overshadow others in social or creative settings, and feeling ashamed of overindulgence in addictions such as gambling, substance use, or alcohol, often leading to feelings of regret and self-blame for losing control.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 6TH HOUSE : feeling ashamed of your body or how you perceive your physical appearance, embarrassed by your work ethic or how you manage your responsibilities, feeling guilty for not working hard enough or for procrastinating, ashamed of how you spend your time or how it reflects on your productivity, feeling overly concerned about health and fitness, often leading to obsessive thoughts about diet or exercise, germophobic and ashamed of your fear of germs or dirt, feeling insecure about your daily routines and how they compare to others, feeling guilty for not taking care of your mental health or neglecting self-care, feeling uncomfortable about your ability to balance work and personal life, feeling ashamed of interpersonal dynamics with coworkers, including rivalry or competition, embarrassed about being perceived as a slacker or underperformer in a team environment, feeling guilty for not being a team player or for asserting your individuality too strongly, and feeling anxious about workplace criticisms or how you fit into the office culture.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 7TH HOUSE : feeling ashamed about your relationships and how they reflect on you, embarrassed by how the public perceives you in partnerships, feeling guilty for relying too heavily on others for validation, ashamed of how you act in one-on-one interactions, often feeling insecure or awkward, feeling uncomfortable with confrontations or disagreements in relationships, feeling guilty for having enemies or strained relationships with others, embarrassed about your fashion choices and how they may be judged by others, feeling ashamed of your desire for intense connections while fearing vulnerability, feeling insecure about the balance of power in partnerships, feeling anxious about being seen as too needy or demanding in your relationships, feeling pressured by societal beauty standards and how they affect your self-worth, and struggling with the desire to conform to certain beauty ideals while also feeling rebellious against them, embarrassed about any legal issues that you’ve got into.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 8TH HOUSE : feeling ashamed about the many secrets you keep and how they shape your identity, embarrassed by your sexual partners or choices regarding sex, feeling guilty about your desires or fantasies, ashamed of your struggles with intimacy and vulnerability, feeling insecure about your emotional depth and how it affects relationships, feeling uncomfortable discussing taboo subjects or exploring darker aspects of life, feeling guilty for being drawn to power dynamics in relationships, ashamed of your fascination with death, transformation, or the occult, feeling anxious about your financial entanglements or shared resources with others, feeling like your hidden aspects are too intense or overwhelming for others to understand, feeling ashamed of opening up emotionally due to fears of rejection or betrayal, struggling with feelings of jealousy or possessiveness in intimate relationships, feeling uncomfortable or ashamed of your body, especially in sexual situations, feeling guilty for exploring non-traditional sexual practices or desires that might be seen as taboo, being overly analytical about emotional bonds and feeling guilty for questioning their depth, feeling insecure about trusting others, leading to feelings of shame for being suspicious or paranoid, feeling overwhelmed by the fear of losing loved ones, leading to emotional withdrawal, and feeling ashamed if relying on partners for financial support or feeling insecure about financial intimacy, and struggling with attachment issues and finding it hard to release past relationships or experiences.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 9TH HOUSE : feeling embarrassed about your beliefs and values, especially if they differ from those of your peers or family, ashamed of where you studied for university or the subjects you chose to pursue, feeling guilty about your academic achievements or the degree you hold, feeling insecure about your intellectual capabilities or how they compare to others, feeling uncomfortable discussing your travel experiences or lack thereof, feeling ashamed of the places you’ve visited or not visited, feeling anxious about sharing your philosophical or spiritual views, fearing judgment for your perspectives on life or morality, feeling guilty for being too opinionated or outspoken about your beliefs, struggling with a sense of wanderlust while feeling tied down by commitments or responsibilities that prevent exploration, feeling ashamed that others may misinterpret your beliefs or values, feeling insecure about not completing a degree or feeling unworthy of your academic accomplishments, feeling uncomfortable with enjoying or adopting elements from other cultures without fully understanding or respecting them, feeling embarrassed about not having traveled enough or not having 'exotic' travel stories to share, feeling ashamed of challenging established beliefs or societal norms, particularly those taught by educators or mentors, feeling uncomfortable or unqualified to share your knowledge or beliefs with others, fearing judgment or rejection, being excessively critical of your own beliefs or ideologies, leading to feelings of confusion or self-doubt, feeling guilty for being too rigid or intolerant in your beliefs while desiring a more open-minded perspective, and feeling ashamed of not measuring up to certain spiritual or philosophical standards set by others.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 10TH HOUSE : feeling embarrassed about who you look up to and your role models, feeling ashamed of your father or the way he acts, feeling insecure about the career you are pursuing, feeling guilty about how you climb the social ladder, feeling uncomfortable about using taboo or unconventional methods to increase your social status, feeling ashamed of your ambitions, fearing judgment from others for perceived superficiality, feeling guilty for being too focused on reputation, feeling overwhelmed by public failures and mistakes, feeling insecure about standing up to authority figures, feeling shame for wanting too much and being perceived as greedy, feeling burdened by the need to curate a specific professional image, feeling guilty for neglecting personal relationships in favor of career aspirations, feeling inadequate in your field and fearing a lack of expertise, feeling embarrassed about choosing non-traditional career paths, feeling overly concerned about public perception of your career choices, fearing being pigeonholed into a specific role, and feeling emotionally detached from your work while struggling with conflicts between personal values and professional obligations.

🥀 LILTH IN THE 11TH HOUSE : feeling embarrassed about your friends and the way you act around them, feeling insecure about your online personality and how you present yourself on social media, feeling ashamed of how you use technology and fearing judgment for your digital habits, feeling guilty for being too obsessed with online gaming or virtual communities, feeling uncomfortable about your interests and hobbies if they are seen as unconventional, feeling anxious about not fitting in with social groups or communities, fearing rejection or criticism from friends, feeling insecure about your contributions to group dynamics or collaborations, feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to conform to social norms within friendships, feeling ashamed of needing validation from peers, feeling guilty for having differing opinions or beliefs from your friend group, feeling hesitant to express your true self in social settings, feeling isolated despite being surrounded by others, as if you don’t truly belong, feeling pressured to engage in activities that don’t align with your values, feeling guilty for resisting peer pressure and worrying about the consequences on your friendships, struggling with the fear of disappointing friends by not living up to their expectations or demands, feeling overwhelmed by the complexities of group relationships, feeling ashamed if your beliefs about social issues don't align with those of your friends or peers, feeling embarrassed about having friends who are considered outsiders, feeling guilty for not keeping up with trends or fads that your friends are engaged in, worrying excessively about how you are perceived online, feeling insecure or jealous about your friends’ success and achievements, feeling pressured to compromise your values to maintain friendships, worrying that others may not view you as reliable or dependable, feeling self-conscious about unique personality traits or habits, and feeling disconnected from others in online communities despite frequent interaction.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 12TH HOUSE : fear of revealing your dreams and subconscious desires, shame around mental illness or struggles with mental health, insecurity about hidden fears or anxieties. guilt around spiritual beliefs or practices, especially if they’re unconventional, fear of being judged for retreating into isolation or needing alone time. overwhelm from emotions that are hard to express, shame around vulnerability and feeling the need to hide your true emotional state. fear of being misunderstood or judged for your inner world, shame about feeling disconnected from reality at times, guilt for engaging in escapist tendencies like drugs, alcohol, or other substances. fear of being perceived as weak for needing solitude or indulging in unhealthy coping mechanisms and addictions. fear of hidden enemies and betrayal, shame around being suspicious of others. insecurity around self-sabotage, feeling guilty for destructive patterns that hold you back. embarrassment about repressed memories or past traumas that surface unexpectedly. fear or shame around having psychic or intuitive abilities, worrying others will think you’re strange. fear of losing control of yourself emotionally or mentally, shame around emotional breakdowns. embarrassment or guilt around belief in past lives or karmic ties. insecurity about helping others or being overly compassionate in secretive ways. fear of hospitalization or institutionalization, and shame around the possibility of needing help in these areas. guilt over unexplained fears, phobias, or anxieties that seem irrational but still affect your life deeply.

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© cazshmere 2024 [All Rights Reserved]

[harryspet]

ribbons & rage | b.barnes

[warnings] dark!gray!congressman!bucky barnes x feral!hybrid!reader, daddy!bucky, power imbalance, possessive bucky, pet play elements, dollification, political manipulation, age regression tones (dd/lg dynamics), dom/sub dynamic, stockholm syndrome, forced domestication, DUBCON

summary: After a diplomatic mission turns into an extraction, Congressman James Buchanan Barnes brings home a prize no one knows about. She’s impulsive. Dirty. Disobedient. But under his eye, with enough ribbons, praise, and correction, he’ll turn the wild thing into something beautiful. Something his.

word count: 5.8k

bucky barnes masterlist

Sam warned him not to get involved in Project LUPUS. He was only a year into his congressional term and he’d managed to fully rid the public of the image of the Winter Soldier. For the first time in the century he’d been alive, he was just James “Bucky” Barnes. Some of his colleagues had even begun to take him seriously. Despite this, Bucky knew Sam didn’t fully understand. He’d never fully understand the destruction that Hydra had caused to his mind. Bucky was the only one who could understand the minds behind the deep-state project. Modern American scientists influenced by Hydra’s science. 

Project LUPUS was Hydra’s legacy. The experimentations, the genetic manipulations, the violence. They hadn’t been erased. They were buried, waiting for someone to dig them up. It was his responsibility to make sure everything tied to it was destroyed. 

The classified file came across his desk because one of his colleagues recognized he would be the best person for the job. He was granted limited access under the purpose of an oversight audit and a bioethics violation review. 

According to the document, everyone involved had been terminated and all the experiment subjects had been exeterminated. His colleague believed otherwise. Bucky read the documents even closer during his private flight to Outpost-25 A, and undisclosed location in Alaskan territory. A snowstorm had grounded most flights but he’d been given “special clearance”.

The scientists, under the direction of a network embedded within the Department of Defense, were intending to create self-healing, biologically engineered hybrids with enhanced aggression, sharp senses, and fast reflexes. They’d be able to detect and eliminate threats, control public unrest, recover key asessets, and could even be deployed during warfare operations. 

They’d learned nothing from the past. 

The very last document in the pile of fifty pages peaked Bucky’s interest the most. It was a scanned intake form, faded, stained and partially redacted. This one had many notes written in the margins. A different tone than the documents describing the purpose of the project, the different subjects and how they’d been exterminated. 

Subject 109. LUPUS-F. Status: Unconfirmed termination. Last seen on Sublevel 3. 

Ah, the real reason he was here. You were nineteen at the time that the project had been terminated. Many of the notes were similar to the other subjects. Rapid healing. Strong territorial response. Pre-verbal communication. A few others, including you, had been listed as non-compliant. 

He stared at the paper longer than he should have, becoming unsettled as he read further. 

There were so many incident reports related to you. Reports on the use of deadly force. Gunshot wound to the abdomen. The accidental death of a Lt. Carney. Another accidental death of a Lt. Wynn. Destruction of two containment doors during transport. The standard dose of sedation being ineffective due to rapid metabolism.

Avoid eye contact. 

Will only accept food from [REDACTED] 

Your termination order was prior to the termination of the project. The justification included unmanageable behavorial volatility and emotional instability. It stated your body had been incinerated but there were no autopsy photos included. 

Double dose required for sedation. 

Rejection of mating partner 103-M. 

Rejection of mating partner 98-M.

Rejection of mating partner 115-M. 

Bucky searched for anything that gone right during your captivity and didn’t find anything. Bucky finally tore his eyes away when the plane dipped from turbulence. The storm was building. As the jet began its descent into a snow-covered valley, Bucky caught sight of the outpost. It was buried under permafrost in a decommissioned missile silo.

The pilot warned him not to stay long before he finally stepped off the transport. It was a thirty-foot walk through snow, reaching up to his mid-calf, to the entrance. The tall steel doors of the entrance had been sealed off. He used his clearance code, courtesy of his colleague on the oversight committe, and the steel doors groaned open. 

Lights flickered weakly above. He passed through long corridors and security checkpoints until he reached the main lab. It didn’t look abandoned. Only frozen in time. Notes were still scrawled across whiteboards, papers stacked on desks, and metal trays with half-used syringes. A shattered, glass, containment chamber sat nearby, clawmarks across the glass. 

But there were no bodies, or bones, or even any bullet casing. 

Carefully and methodically, Bucky cleared the first two floors of the outpost. He found each cage door open and and empty. When he finally reached Sublevel 3, he noticed something in the air had shifted. The air cooled even further and lights dimmed. That’s where he found the bones. Animal bones. 

He checked each cage for a sign of life. Though there was a pistol on his hip and a shotgun strapped to his back, he didn’t ever reach for them. He paused at cell 12-C and stepped inside. There was bedding, sheets created from lab coats, chair cushions and even shredded documents. Muddy foot prints. Small and barefoot. 

You weren’t in a cell. You were loose. Surviving. 

He stepped back into the hallway. And then he saw you. No chains. Just … standing at the end of the hall. Watching him. 

Despite the the lack of sunlight and coldness of your home, your skin was rich and radiant. Your curls, though some were matted, defied gravity. Your frame was slender, most likely from being trapped here with dwindling resources, but the curves of your body remained. Gunshot to the abdomen. He saw the scar above your hip bone. He also saw another one on your right thigh and an even larger one on your collarbone. 

It wasn’t just the scars or the angles of your body that made you unlike anything Bucky had ever seen. Unnaturaly wide pupils that he could see even in the dim light. Slightly pointed ears. You looked him over, scanned him, and Bucky noted the faint twitch of your nostrils – scenting him. Though you were physically much smaller than him, you did not cower. You were not prey. 

Your lips parted and Bucky could see your canines, just slightly too long. 

He remembered your file. 

Hybrid Type: Homo sapiens/Canis lupus (Genome Series III)

Ancestral Donor: [REDACTED] 

You were made this way. Selfishly, inappropriately, Bucky wondered how something made by evil minds could be so … beautiful. Something switched in his mind then. He couldn’t ensure the full termination of Project LUPUS. 

You were like him. A monster of another’s creation. He had to save you. Someone decided to give him a second chance, he could do that from you. 

Perhaps they had evolved. Maybe he was here to get rid of you like the others. He was armed. There was no reason to trust him. 

You didn’t speak. Just stared. Assessed. 

Until you did move. 

Part of you expected to easily pierce his skin. To be so much faster and stronger that the shear force of pushing your body against his would easily knock him down. You hadn’t met a worthy opponent yet. Until now. 

He caught you. 

He moved but barely. You let out a scream of anguish as his arms wrapped around your torso, pulling your body against his. You thrashed wildly, trying to pull your knees into his groin, before you decided to go for his throat. Bearing your teeth, you lunged for him, but the wind was almost knocked out of you when you suddenly found yourself slammed against the concrete wall. 

Now you were mad. Blindingly furious. 

What was he? He didn’t smell like a hybrid. He smelled chemical, metallic, and synthetic. His arm, across your chest, pinned you against the wall. You looked up at his face now, long dark hair shielding half his face. 

“You’re supposed to be dead,” His first words to you weren’t a threat. You knew that much although you couldn’t decipher the full meaning. He was surprised. Not scared of you. Not the least bit scared of his own safety. It made you even more furious, “You’ll hurt yourself if you don’t stop.”

Dead. Hurt. You knew those words. Those were bad words. But he almost seemed worried. He looked … conflicted. 

You couldn’t breathe, your chest was tightening under the pressure, and it felt like your bones might crack at any minute. Your eyes burned from the rage and frustration. No one had ever made you feel like this. You wanted his heart in your hands. You wanted his head off his shoulders. But you forced your body to still. Not in submission but to allow yourself time to think. 

A growling whine left your throat, the pain finally fully registering. His grip loosened and something changed in his face. He managed to keep you pinned but the pressure lessened, “I don’t want to hurt you,” He spoke and you hung onto every word. You needed to think. To try to understand him, “You won’t be able to hurt me. Not in the way you want to.” 

Your nostrils flared. You didn’t believe him. You also didn’t move. Clearly, you would have to take a different approach.

He talked like a human. Carried weapons like the humans. You weren’t sure why. It wasn’t like he needed them. You could take another bullet, you’d done it before. You wished that the food hadn’t started running out a few weeks ago. You would be stronger. But there was still fight left in you. 

He didn’t notice the switch flip in your mind. He was already pulling away, giving you space, but you quickly struck again. Dropped your weight, slammed your forehead against his jaw as hard as possible. Nails slashed against his throat when you successfully caught him off guard. You drew blood and smiled. 

“Fuck,” He growled, actually growled, and your smile grew bigger. 

So he bleeds. What was he? 

A metal arm wrapped around your throat before he shoved you to the ground. You scrambled and kicked as he got on top of you, straddling your torso. When he reached into his pocket, you thought he was reaching for his gun. 

“You don’t get it,”  He said. You screamed as best as you could. Your chest heaved, “I’m not your enemy.”

You didn’t see the syringe until it was already pressed against your arm. The sting was nothing. You’d felt much worse. You didn’t flinch. Despite the way his face softened, you showed him your rage. You pushed at him until you couldn’t feel anything anymore. 

Bucky didn’t realize he’d taken on too much responsibility until it was too late. 

“You’re safe here,” He’d say over and over, “This isn’t a cage.”

Now you were here in his Brooklyn home, barefoot, feral, and you were close to destroying every valuable item in his home. His first mistake was trying to make sure you didn’t feel caged. He realized quickly that he couldn’t be nice with you. The only things you responded to were pain and control. 

This would be a journey. A long one. It would be a slow, brutal fight to drag you out of whatever darkness they left you in.

And Bucky wasn’t sure yet who would survive it.

For the first two weeks, he kept a bit gag in your mouth to stop you from biting, and padded gloves on your hands, leather on the outside, soft inside, to keep you from scratching him. He had to sedate you everytime he deemed you needed a bath or your teeth brushed because you’d fight him until your body went limp from exhaustion. You completely refused any clothing, leaving Bucky to draw every curtain in the home. 

He hadn’t found a way to make a click. To help you understand. Until he’d prepared you a breakfast one morning and you’d thanked him by flipping the table. He lifted you by your waist and dragged you kicking and screaming to the living room. He bent you over the couch, vibranium arm pressed against your upper back, and spanked you until your growling turned to whimpers. 

He hadn’t seen you cry yet. Not until then. His heart panged, realizing he’d let his anger make him lose control. He hand’t wanted to hurt you. Not really. But the spanking had done more then bruise your ass. It embarassed you. Made you truly realize how much stronger he was. You were deadly but Bucky had an extra eighty years to perfect his craft. 

Bucky could tell in the way your posture softened. How you leaned into the fabric of the couch for comfort. You weren’t broken but you were beginning to understand. He was the one in control. He could keep you here no matter how much you fought it. 

You allowed him to lift you, to place you softly on the material of the expensive sofa. As he rounded the piece of furniture and sat close to you, he watched how you pulled your knees into your chest. And then quickly sat up and tucked your knees under yourself instead, bottom sore.  Hesitantly, he rested a hand on your thigh. You looked up at him, eyes sad and confused. 

“I know,” He said quietly, voice rough but steady, “But there are rules to follow. You were being a bad girl–”

You pointed to your chest and spoke to him for the first time, “B-ad girl.”

Bucky was taken aback by your tone of voice. Gritty from misuse but he heard so much softness underneath. A delicateness he had not expected. Bucky nodded after a long pause, “Yes, you were being a bad girl. But I know you can be a good girl.”

Your brows furrowed and Bucky saw the way that you momentarily grew frustrated before you pushed it away. For the first time, you pushed away your gut instinct to fight him. You pointed to him next, “Good girl?” You asked, confused. It didn’t sound right and Bucky could see your mind working.

Bucky grinned, “No, I’m Bucky.”

“Boy,” You corrected yourself, “Good boy?”

Bucky’s lips parted. He honestly hadn’t thought he’d get to this point with you so he hadn’t spent enough time considering how he would explain all of this you, “No,” He said after clearing his throat, “That one’s for you. You get to be the good girl.”

You tilted your head again, “You … Alpha?”

Bucky shook his head, “No, not exactly. I want to be your …” He thought carefully about his next words. He pointed to you, “You … good girl. Baby. Doll. Pet.”

He pointed to himself next, “Me …. I’m Daddy.”

“Hmm,” You made a noise as you looked him over. You reached out next, your fingers wandering curiously over the fabric of his white button up. You felt his chest, hard and thick before you gripped the metal wrist of his left arm, “Daddy arm … this … you?”

“Yes, it’s me. Still me,” Bucky spoke a little breathlessly, not realizing how much that word on your lips would make his heart race. You studied his face and then subsequently his heart rate. You placed a hand over his heart and felt the beating. It fascinated you. Your heart rate was so much slower, so much more controlled.

You made another noise and your hands wandered back to your own lap. It would be a strange sight to anyone looking in. You were completely naked and Bucky had, somewhat, grown used to looking at your figure. Sometimes his eyes lingered a little too long on the perks of your nipples or the plumpness of your bottom. And your legs were slightly parted, he could clearly see your slit. You didn’t mind it. It bothered you more when he wanted you to wear clothes. 

“No baby,” You interrupted his thoughts and Bucky realized his hand was traveling closer to the gap between your thighs. 

You were so soft. 

“What?” he asked, brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“No … not baby,” You pointed to yourself then and gestured to a lower height, palm facing downward, emphasizing how small an actual baby would be, “This baby.”

You wanted to be understood, “Not a real baby, no,” Bucky said, “But I want you to be my baby,” When you went quiet, he continued, “I want to take care of you. I will take care of you.”

You shook your head, “No need.”

“I know,” Bucky agreed, “You’re right. You’re strong. But I know you don’t want to be alone again. All by yourself. No family. No friends. No love. It’s bad for you.”

“Bad for me. No love,” You said after awhile, mimicking him. Trying to understand. 

Bucky nodded, “It’s good to have someone. Stay with me. I won’t hurt–”

“You hit,” You retorted, some of that fury returning. Your palm touched the skin of your bruised bottom, “See, you hit! No like. I … don’t like.”

You raised a hand and Bucky quickly caught it. His eyes grew sharper and he sent you a warning. 

“Hey, you’re not supposed to like it. I hit, yes. But it’s different than this,” Bucky emphasized the scars on your skin, the bullet wounds, the scars from where knives had sliced you open, “Sometimes it hurts more here.” He pointed to you heart. 

“I don’t like,” You said again, softer this time. 

Slowly, Bucky’s tight grip turned gently and he took your hand into his. One hand on your thigh, his metal hand on your soft one. 

“Then you won’t be a bad girl, okay? No fighting. No hurting Daddy. If you want something, you have to tell me. You can’t just throw a tantrum. There are rules to follow.”

You sighed, considering. Your lips parted again, uncertain. That was good enough for Bucky. 

Bucky leaned in, his voice gentle, “Do you know your name? I’m Bucky. You are …”

“109-F,” You answered easily and flashed him a look of boredom, like your name didn’t matter. 

“That was your name. We’ll think of something better, okay?”

Another week passed and Bucky found he had little use for the bit gag and leather gloves. The tantrums remained but Bucky noticed your intentions had changed. You didn’t get riled up and try to hurt him anymore. You pushed at him and knocked things over but mostly only when you wanted to communicate something and Bucky couldn’t understand you. 

As the spankings increased, the good behavior increased as well. He started new routines with you. 

Your room was currently only a twin bed and soft carpet despite the size of the room. It allowed for less things to be destroyed. You didn’t sleep in the bed anyways. Bucky started to notice that his couch cushions, blankets, old newspapers, and even clothes from his closet were starting to go missing. He found them later in the small closet connected to your room. 

A nest.

You had created a soft, safe space for yourself inside. At first, you bared your teeth at him when he tried to step inside. Instead, Bucky sat right by the entrance of the closet door. He brought you breakfast, a simple bowl of oatmeal. He’d take a spoonful into his mouth and exaggerate an, “Mmmm,” as he ate. Then he would hold the spoon out to you and wait for you to take it, “Your turn, baby.”

You refused the first few times. Then eventually you took the spoon in your hand and catapulted it at the wall. Not out of anger, mostly out of curiosity. And then you clumsily dipped the spoon inside the oatmeal, brought it to your nose, smearing some on your nose. “See, it’s not so bad. Try it.”

You looked at him like he was from another planet. 

Eventually, you took the spoon into your mouth and had a few bites, “Good girl, baby.” That’s how he knew you were warming to him. 

His work in Washington continued even as he continued to help you settle into a routine. There were still meetings and late-night calls. Stacks of policy briefs piled high on the living room table and his phone buzzed constantly. Soon, he would have to return but he hoped by then you would be more house broken. Easier to manage. Easier to leave on your own. 

You responded well to the corporal punishments. To make even bigger changes, Bucky tried to workout a system of rewards for you. It started with the stuffed animals. Soft and cute. He knew you’d never seen or held one before. He sat outside the closet, further than he usually did, one evening holding a stuffed, brown bear, “Look, he’s soft. Do you want to hold him?”

“ … hold him?” You made you way to the edge of door and reached for it.

Bucky pulled back, “You may hold him. You’ve been such a good girl, eating your food, and not throwing things. Come here,” He patted his lap. 

For a long moment, you mentally debated whether or not you would leave the closet. When you finally decided the risk was worth it, you hesitantly crawled forward, sitting your bare bottom on the worn fabric of his jeans. Bucky let you take the bear into your hands and he saw something your face soften immediately. You brushed your hands over the fur methodically, over and over. Bucky counted fifty brushes of your hand over it’s head. 

“You can hug him,” Bucky demonstrated for you, realizing then that you wouldn’t know what a hug was. He pressed the bear to your chest and then guided your arms around the plush toy, “See, sweet girl. Do you like him?”

“I like bear,” Your voice came out muffled as you pressed the bear against your face, “Soft.”

You were mesmerized for a solid fourty-five minutes. You didn’t mind when Bucky shifted you in his lap so that you were fully straddling him, the bear between the two of you. His hands caressed your back, the sides of your waist and eventually he fully grasped your bottom in his hands, “Fuck,” He cursed under his breath.

“Hurt?” You asked though it was clear your mind was elsewhere.

“No, baby,” Bucky said although he was painfully hard.

“I keep bear?”

Bucky placed a soft kiss against your shoulder blade and was surprised when your face remained soft, almost happy, “It’s yours. For you, my good girl.”

“I’m good girl,” You smiled a real smile. It was the first time he fully saw your teeth and you weren’t thirty seconds from trying to rip out his jugular, “Good bear for me.” 

He nodded, brushing your curls back with his metal fingers. He’d have to tackle another deep detangling another night, “That’s right. But when someone gives you something special, there’s something else you say, too.” He touched your cheek. “Can you say thank you, baby?”

You blinked at him.

“Thannnk—” he started, slow and patient. 

You studied his mouth. “Than...”

“Good,” he coaxed, smiling now. “Now say thank you, Daddy.”

You continued, “Thank you… Daddy.”

“There you go. So polite. So sweet.”

You just stayed there, safe in his lap, hugging the bear a little tighter.

You followed Mr. Bear around the house. Wherever Bucky placed him, you were there. The kitchen table at breakfast, the space beneath Bucky’s desk while he was working, beside the bathtub when Bucky decided you couldn’t go any longer without a bath, your bed that you had initially abandoned. You’d even spent a full night in Bucky’s large bed, letting Bucky hold your waist as you slept using Mr. Bear as your pillow. It wasn’t conscious at first. You fell in love with the small toy quickly. You looked in his eyes and squished his belly to help calm yourself, to even help yourself sleep. It was an attachment that was foreign to you. You liked that Mr. Bear was yours and that Bucky had given him to you. 

It was comfort and regulation. It was all new. 

You spent a full two weeks with that sense of peace. Until you woke from a long nap on the living room couch and Mr. Bear was missing. You’d learn to breathe, to slow down and to not let your anger rise to point of seeing red. You breathed deeply as you turned over every cushion and looked threw drawers. You couldn’t even smell him anymore. 

He was gone. Forever. Stolen from you. Had you been a bad girl? You’d grown attached and now you’d been abandoned. You started looking under any item you could find, letting items fall to the ground with a thud. You emptied an entire bookshelf of all it’s books and spread the contents of one of Bucky’s manila folders all over the floor. 

Cold, dense paper. Nothing soft. You didn’t register the sound of Bucky’s voice in the other room. You fell to your knees, cheeks wet with tears, and started to shred the papers with your nails. 

“....Then tell them to hold off until I’m back D.C. I won’t sign off on anything blind …. Yeah, he knows this. Email him again. Then call. Whatever you have to do. That’s your job …”

A second later, the footsteps came. Fast, heavy but controlled. 

“Give me a second,” Bucky said. Then louder, “Just pause the call.”

Your eyes found his when he finally walked into the living room from his office. He looked over everything quickly. You couldn’t control your breathing. 

Before he could ask you what was wrong, you yelled, “You took bear! Not here! Where?!”

“He’s not gone,” Bucky crouched next to you, eyes dark and fixed sharply on you, “I was in the other room. You need to ask when you have a question. You can’t do … this.” 

“Need bear, Daddy,” You crawled closer on your knees, “Need. Baby is sad.”

“Thank you for telling Daddy how you feel but this is not what you do when you’re sad. You didn’t ask Daddy for help,” Before he continued his lecture, he realized you weren’t the least bit sorry. Your focus was on your toy, “Daddy put Mr. Bear in the washing machine. He was dirty. He’s in the dryer now.” 

“You took bear,” You croaked and Bucky sighed, “Not dirty. Give back.”

“I’ll give him back after you clean up your mess.” 

“No, Daddy!”

“Do you want a spanking too?” You blinked, eyes wide. You shook your head slowly. It had been so long since Bucky had bent you over and done that to you, “Clean, all this needs to go in the trash. The books go back on the bookshelf. And you can put the couch back together. I will wait.”

You scowled then. You had to clean when all of this was his fault. He took Mr. Bear. 

He kept his word. He waited. You put the couch cushions back where they belonged before you stacked the books back on the shelf. He stepped in to show you exactly where the books needed to go and held a trash bag open for you to place all the destroyed papers in.

“Good girl,” He said though the way his jaw clicked made you believe he might be just as mad as you. 

He took your hand a moment later and led you into the small room with two white machines. One was loud, rumbling and as Bucky opened it’s door, the shaking came to a cease. And then Mr. Bear appeared. Before you could lunge for him, Bucky’s metal arm shot out, holding you at a distance, “My bear,” Your voice trailed off as you eyed the toy. He looked cleaner but he’d lost the smell you’d grown to like, “Bucky no more clean. Not dirty.”

“Mr. Bear does get dirty just like Baby does. He has to have a bath sometimes. Do you understand?”

You were reluctant but you nodded. “Yes,” As soon as the plus toy was in your arms, you curled up on the ground, and held him tightly. As Bucky turned to return to his call in the other room, you let out a small, “.... Sorry, Bucky.”

He paused in the doorway, glanced back.

“I know, baby,” he said gently. 

Bucky decided the perfect gateway into you finally wearing clothes around the house was yet another toy. This one was a soft rag doll that looked just slightly like you. The same skin tone and dark curly hair pinned up by two lavender colored bows. She also wore a lavender dress and matching ballet flats. She looked sweet, safe, familiar. 

His usual spiel had failed. He explained that clothes were a good thing. They were soft and kept you warm. He also teased the possibility of one day going outside with him, “The people outside always wear clothes,” He’d say, “You want to go on a trip with Daddy one day, don’t you?”

You just ignored him and let your eyes wander towards the window, “This is Mr. Bear’s good friend,” He presented the doll to you, placing her on your bed, next to the loose-fitting, pink t-shirt dress that was laid out on the bed. He chose something completely unrestrictive on purpose. You perked up then. You gave him a hungry look, as if he was presenting you with a medium-rare steak instead of a doll, “She’s a ballerina. Uh, like a dancer. To music. Her name is … Rina.”

“Rina,” You tried, your eyes locked on her, “Soft?”

“She’s very soft,” Bucky assured you, “She loves hugs too.”

“Rina mine?” You asked next, face soft, looking up expectantly, “Like Bear?”

“She could be. She wants a new friend. But she has a rule.”

Your arms crossed at that. You leaned forward to study the doll, brows furrowed, “She has rule?”

“She doesn’t want to be held unless you’re dressed, like people are supposed to be. Even cute hybrid girls have to wear clothes.  She feels the most comfortable that way.”

You pouted adorably, “Bad rule.”

“Maybe,” Bucky said, “That’s what she told me. Rina’s rules. She might let you hold her if you’re a good girl.”

“Don’t like,” You started to whine, pressing your body against Bucky’s body, forehead pressing against his chest, “Please … don’t like.”

Bucky placed gentle on your shoulders, lifting your body from him. He pressed a finger under your chin, lifting it until you were looking at him, “I’m sorry, I would help you but it’s not my rule.”

He turned away from you. Not far, only a few steps. He gave you space. Pretended to check his email on his phone. He heard you stomp your feet. Once. Twice. Then a whine. Then there was silence. The tiniest ruffle of fabric. When Bucky turned around, you were wearing the dress. He smiled wide, impressed. 

He doubted he could get you in pair of underwear or a bra today but there was time for that. 

He came closer again, running his fingers over your hair before he pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, “Did it. See, Bucky.” You declared, eyes wide and expecting, “Mine now?”

“She’s yours.”

“Thank you, Daddy,” You bounced on your toes excitedly before you happily scooped up the doll. Bucky picked you up next, and you wrapped your legs around his torso. You let out a soft laugh, a real one, and it was music to Bucky’s ears. One arm looping around his neck, the other squeezing Rina to your body, you looked Bucky in his eyes deeply. Like he’d placed gentle kisses on your forehead, your shoulder, and cheeks, you placed a soft peck on his lips. 

He stilled for a second. Then smiled, full and proud, “Thank you, babygirl.”

There was one week left until Bucky had to return to Washington. He was more than happy with the progress you’d made. You’d started wearing underwear and you’d even been open to trying different kinds of clothes. Pants were still a nonstarter. You didn’t mind the skirts. You didn’t love the tight-fitting t-shirts but Bucky often left you no options. You tugged at them and pouted. Selfishly, he liked the way they looked on you. 

There were still many gaps in your social etiquette. It took him a full three days to explain that you couldn’t lift up your skirt whenever you wanted. You had a habit of wanting to stare at the different patterns on your underwear and often would flip up your skirt in the middle of a conversation or activity or anything to look. He corrected gently, not because he didn’t like the view but because ideally one day you’d accompany him to dinners and go on outings with him. He didn’t need you putting your body on display. 

He convinced you Rina liked it when wore different hairstyles. Ribbons and bows were her absolute favorite. He’d started getting really good at braiding it into neat rows, and tying bows to the ends. During his morning meetings, you often sat between his legs at his desk, Rina in your lap, as he fixed your hairstyle for the day. 

Bucky was settling into a sense of peacefulness. A feeling he had longed for. Therapy helped. His new job fulfilled him in some aspects but also made him realize how slow change really happened at the same time. This life, the pocket of innocence he was building around you, was starting to help most of all. This life was the opposite of everything he and you were ever used to. 

He didn’t want you exposed to the real world. He would shield you from reality for as long as possible. He would give you something he never had for himself. He’d also had enough of following orders for ten lifetimes. With you, in his own house, he made the rules. 

He had to address his mission. Debrief the committee on all of his findings. He had to give his colleagues enough information to satisfy them but couldn’t risk them getting their hands on you. You were the survivicing data to a program that never should’ve been created. He decided to lie. The site was clear of any sources of life. The facility was sealed, records wiped away, and he submitted a report that suggested Project LUPUS be permanently blacklisted from funding due to “gross ethical violations”. 

He’d have to spin another story eventually. Explain your presence in his life. Mel, his assistant, was already working on using the story for political advantage. You were a rescued civilian during a humanitarian negotiation. You’d suffered severe trauma and Congressman Barnes, recognizing the complexity of the situation and understanding the importance of mental rehabilitation, he’s personally arranged for you to receive trauma-informed rehabilitative care under his sponsorship. He’d be even more of the hero than the public saw him as. 

Colleagues would raise questions but no one would push to hard. He was a war hero. His word was gospel. 

Pls reblog w/ your thoughts if you enjoyed! This will be a 2 part series with the second chapter focused on Bucky + Baby’s time in Washington! Hope you enjoyed :)