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thesimulationswarm · 11 months

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Balsam, Chapter 4: A Little Cemetery

This is a story about trauma. What trauma does to a person, and what trauma does to a community. And how, in the midst of it, people find their way to joy, delight— even love.

Pairing: Joel Miller x original female character Summary: After the events of tlou, Joel and Ellie try to establish a “normal life” in Jackson, but neither of them are any good at normal. A town doctor tries to care for residents who have experienced unspeakable trauma, and struggles to overcome her own past at the same time. Joel finds himself drawn to her, as their lives become increasingly intertwined. Meanwhile, outside Jackson, troubling things are happening… Rating: explicit 18+ MDNI Word count: 5.7k Warnings: slow burn (there will be smut eventually), canon-typical violence, descriptions of medical situations, trauma/PTSD symptoms, painful adolescent social dynamics, LGBTQ issues, Ellie and Joel figuring out how to be family, Tommy and Joel figuring out how to be family

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At the council meeting, it was Jenna Starkey who saved Dr. Connor.

She sat up straight, eyes puffy but dry, and looked at the people of Jackson. “He got to die with his wife, his baby, and his dignity. I know it’s what he would’ve wanted.” Maria watched the audience nodding gravely at her words and murmuring among themselves. Most people there had seen enough of violent deaths to know going quickly was better than going slowly.

But there were dissenters. Big Michael, of course, who felt betrayed by Nina. He’d come to her to save his closest friend, and instead she’d killed him. He was calm today, at least— subdued, the weight of grief settling down into his shoulders.

Archie Hayes, who ran the butcher shop, said Nina “had no right to take the Lord’s work into her own hands.” Maria saw Nina’s eyebrows rise at that, and knew what she was thinking: pretty rich for someone who spent his days eviscerating chickens and sawing through the leg joints of lambs.

But thankfully Nina kept her mouth shut. Tact wasn’t always her strong suit.

Then there was a group of women from the kitchens, where Starkey had worked. Chrissy, Lena, and shy Marisa Robinson, her face stained with tears. They all came up together and spoke about what the community had lost when Starkey died, and how he hadn’t even been given a chance to survive. The testimony had emotional impact, but it ultimately couldn’t outweigh the opinion of Starkey’s widow.

Maria watched the crowded room carefully, assessing every face and posture. She had experience reading juries, but it was harder when the jury was the size of a small town. Sure, Nina wasn’t on trial— not in any official sense. This was just a discussion of what had occurred on the day that Starkey died. She knew the council members, and knew that given the circumstances, the majority would not favor any sort of formal charge.

But even if most folks approved of Nina’s actions, any serious objections still spelled trouble, and she was alert for signs of them in the meeting room. The doctor could walk freely out of here today, then be attacked in the street tomorrow. She’d seen it before: an accused murderer acquitted, only to be hit by a rival gang. Or simmering tensions could grow over time until they split the town into rival factions.

Maria kept her exterior carefully controlled as she sat there on the dais, but underneath she was edgy, preoccupied. She had wanted to believe that, in the safety of Jackson, they’d moved beyond mercy killings. But after this last brutal winter, their environment was more hostile than ever. Spring had begun, but the patrol attacks hadn’t stopped, and she was afraid that something truly awful was happening outside of Jackson. She could see the signs gathering, like dark clouds massing on the horizon.

They would need to be prepared.

And she worried about Nina, too. The doctor was efficient and effective at what she did. She clearly cared about Jackson and the people who lived there. But Maria knew that as a person— as a friend— Nina was troubled. She’d seen flashes of it over the years they’d known each other. Nina had that stubborn self-sufficiency, an unwillingness to let other people in. She could be reckless, with her temper and her predilection for dangerous men. And then there were her episodes, when she went flat and unresponsive for hours or even days at a time.

After the incident with Starkey and then Big Michael, she’d shut down like that. Anya and Brandy had to physically lift her from the street where she’d knelt, and hold her arms as they’d walked her back to her place. Maria had followed them and taken Nina upstairs to her apartment above the clinic. She sat her at the kitchen table and made a cup of tea.

Nina had stared down at the cup with empty eyes, and made no effort to lift it to her lips.

And as Maria stood there and watched Nina’s insensate face, she’d wanted to shake her, make her snap out of the trance she was in.

She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t pissed off. Not that she disagreed with what Nina had done, exactly, but she was not too pleased with how she’d done it. Not telling Starkey. Not telling Starkey. Doing it out in the street, in front of half the town. The cavalier way she’d administered a lethal injection, then snapped at the dead man’s shocked best friend. It was going to stir people up in Jackson, make things difficult for Maria and certainly for Nina as well. And then the woman wouldn’t even speak or meet her eyes. Yes, Nina couldn’t help it— but it still rankled.

Maria had looked around her kitchen, struck by how sad her living quarters were: the battered table, the single chair, one chipped dinner plate on an otherwise empty shelf. No personal touches— art or flowers or knickknacks. Her home looked abandoned, even though someone lived there.

She’d leaned against the counter, arms crossed, watching the tea grow cold on the table. Her back and her feet ached, but as frustrated as she was, she hadn’t been willing to leave her friend when she was like this. Didn’t want her to “wake up” all alone. So she waited, as shadows slowly lengthened down the peeling wallpaper.

Finally, a flicker of awareness returned to Nina’s features. She shifted in her chair.

“You okay?” Maria asked.

Nina shrugged her shoulders. “Guess so. It’s been a weird day.”

“That’s one word for it.” Maria pointed to the cup, and Nina finally raised it to her lips. “I know you couldn’t save him, Nina. But some people are going to be upset about how things went down.”

Nina was quiet for a long moment, looking out the window at the tangle of tree branches, the darkening sky.

“There’s a quote I think about sometimes,” she spoke softly. “Something an old French doctor wrote. ‘Every surgeon carries about him a little cemetery, in which from time to time he goes to pray, a cemetery of bitterness and regret, of which he seeks the reason for certain of his failures.’”

Maria sighed deeply.

“Girl, you’ve got to get your act together.”

Joel watched from the back of the room, arms crossed over his chest. He was relieved to see which way things were going, but the whole thing was bullshit. Maria and Tommy knew Nina wasn’t a murderer, and they were still parading her up there in front of the town, while they debated what she’d done.

Calling it democracy. He’d seen how democracy could go—what happened in Kansas City, wasn’t that the will of the people?

Nina sat at a table beside the council members, with her dark hair pulled back and her chin held high. He watched her face, but her expression was hard to read— she didn’t look scared, or angry. Maybe just a little sad. She answered the questions people asked politely, matter-of-factly. Didn’t get emotional up there, unlike some of the townspeople.

Ellie was sitting a row in front of him, beside a group of other teenagers. She’d wanted to come here today and see what it was all about. He knew she was feeling anxious about it.

“It’s fucked up,” she told him last night at dinner, shoveling food into her mouth. She’d never stopped eating like a starving animal. “It’s like people here forgot that everyone is gonna die, and now they’re mad at Dr. Connor because she reminded them.”

She was a smart kid. Smarter than him by a mile, which made him proud and also nervous. He stared at the tilt of her small shoulders, the glossy strands of her ponytail. He would’ve liked to sit with her, but he didn’t want to crowd her or embarrass her around the other kids. He was trying to be a good… whatever he was to her.

He was surprised by how relieved he felt when the council announced that, “after hearing from all interested parties,” they felt the doctor’s actions “had been justified by extraordinary circumstances.” Nina stood and Maria walked her out through the back, with a hand pressed between her shoulder blades.

There was a flurry of movement as a woman pushed through the back row roughly and stormed out to the street. It was the quiet girl from the dining hall, the one who always looked scared of Joel. She’d been up there crying like a widow with Starkey’s other coworkers. Bunch of girls who were either sleeping with the guy or wanted to be, hard to be sure.

As the door slammed behind the girl, voices rose in the room. People were getting up from their seats, talking to each other, standing around in small groups or walking down the aisles to leave. There was a lot to gossip about, he supposed.

He moved toward Ellie, who was still with the other kids. As he stepped into her line of site, she shot up from her chair and strode quickly over to him. For a second, he was worried— then he realized what was happening. She didn’t want to talk to him in front of the other teenagers.

Jesus, was he really that embarrassing? He shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to affect a casual stance.

“Doin’ okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I’m gonna head home. You wanna come, or…” He trailed off, looking over her shoulder at the clump of kids.

“Actually, some of us were going to go hang out for a bit?”

“Sure, sure. Just, uh, be home before dinner time?”

“Dinner time. Okay.” She gave him a sharp little nod of agreement, then turned to rejoin the group.

He wasn’t really sure what to do with himself now. He saw Tommy up at the front of the room, talking to a few men. Thought for a brief moment of going up there, but he wasn’t ready yet. He still hadn’t spoken to him since that night he’d met Maria at the bar.

Ellie was moving toward the door now, walking with a boy and a girl who both looked vaguely familiar. He watched as she turned her head toward the girl and laughed. Then the boy looked at the two of them, smiling, and said something he was too far away to hear. Now that he could see more of his face, he recognized the kid who was always walking that dog around town. A tall teenager, a little gangly, but with a nice thick head of hair and a brooding look. Ellie smiled back at him.

So that’s why she was so dead set on working with the dogs. She had herself a little crush on the boy who trained them. And it looked like she was actually making friends.

He walked slowly behind the group for half a block, trying to hold back the smile that wanted to erupt across his face. Then he turned off toward home.

The three of them went to an empty house on the north side of town. It was small and a little sad looking, with a caved-in section of roof. The front door was boarded shut, but Brandy led them around to the back, past a lurching, rotting porch and in through the kitchen door. Ellie ran her finger down the coiled cord of a telephone that hung on the wall, feeling the satisfying way it sprang back after she tugged on it.

In the living room, dust swirled through the air and a floral couch sagged against the wall. Brandy plopped down in the middle, and Ellie and Chuy took the sides. Now that they were out of the crowd, Brandy had grown quiet, and Ellie could see the strain on her face.

“Well that was fucking dumb,” Ellie sighed. “I mean, at least they let her go and all. But I don’t see how any of that meeting was necessary.”

“She didn’t have a choice,” Brandy agreed softly. “As soon as I saw him lying there, I thought, ’This guy is going to fucking die.’”

“I still can’t believe you were there for that.” Ellie was honestly a little jealous. She’d never seen anybody die like that, a shot of poison into the vein. Not that she wanted it to have happened, but if it was going to happen— well, she was super fucking curious about it.

Brandy looked queasy, and she realized she’d said the wrong thing. Dumb, dumb, dumb. She tried to think of a more supportive response, but her mind went blank. Why was this so hard?

“I always liked Starkey, you know? He was nice. And I— I’ve never actually— ” Brandy broke off, her voice cracking. She stared down at her lap. Ellie wanted to put a hand on her shoulder, or maybe rub her back reassuringly, below the smooth cascade of her hair. But she wasn’t sure if she should— was that weird? Was it too much?

“I’ve never seen someone die before,” Brandy choked out.

Oh shit. Poor Brandy. She was biting her lip, and Ellie watched the way the sharp line of her teeth indented the delicate skin. Again, she thought about touching her, comforting her. Again, she kept her hands down at her side.

“The first time is hard for everybody,” Chuy spoke gently. “I don’t think anyone really gets over it.”

Brandy turned and looked at him. “I didn’t think it would be so bad, because I’ve known a lot of people who’ve died. But I keep thinking about his face when he died and the weird look his eyes had, and the way he was breathing. It was awful, kind of a rattling, drowning sound.”

Chuy nodded. “I know what you mean. After my dad died, I kept seeing it whenever I closed my eyes.”

“Your dad died?” Ellie was shocked. The way Chuy talked about his dad, she’d thought he was still alive. He was always bragging about the great scientist who had discovered all kinds of things about cordyceps.

Chuy let out a ragged breath. “It was before I came to Jackson. We were surrounded by infected just outside Denver, and he fought them off as long as he could. Really he— he saved my life. He saved Coco, too. She was his dog. He trained her to smell the infections and everything, and I only took over because he was gone.” Ellie thought about the sweet, obedient dog, and how bonded Chuy had always seemed to her.

“I’m so sorry,” Brandy said, leaning closer to Chuy.

“As soon as the infected were all dead, he began to walk back towards me and Coco. And that’s when Coco started barking at him—she’d never barked at him before. And I knew right away what that meant. I don’t think he realized until then, either, because he looked down at his arm and he had this horrified look when he saw where he’d been bitten. And then he just… shot himself.”

“Jesus,” Ellie breathed. She saw Riley’s face, contorted with pain, how it had looked that day in the the fucking Halloween store. Facing defeat. Way I see it, we got two options.

“There are these little things I thought about for a long, long time,” Chuy went on. “Like how Coco looked at him with her teeth barred, snarling at him. Or the way his arm jerked as he pulled the trigger.”

Ellie nodded— she knew about those kind of memories, too. You really didn’t get over your first time. The look in Riley’s eyes, when she wasn’t Riley anymore. It was same look Sam had that day in the motel. And the way they’d both charged her… She blinked, trying to clear the pictures out of her mind.

She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, and looked at Chuy. His face was serious and sad, but calm. She didn’t understand how he could just talk about this kind of stuff. Whenever she even thought about it she felt like she couldn’t breathe, like she was drowning on land.

And that was when she saw it— Brandy and Chuy, holding hands.

Their arms were resting on the couch between them, their fingers intertwined. There was something so casual about their posture, like… like they’d done this before.

She wanted to throw up.

She was a fucking idiot. Brandy wasn’t like her, and she didn’t like Ellie, no matter how much she laughed at her jokes. Chuy and Brandy were wired the right way, the normal way. Like Joel and Tommy and Maria and maybe everyone else in this godforsaken town, except her.

Joel was cooking dinner when he heard the door bang open, followed by the sound of feet stomping rapidly up the staircase.

“Ellie?” He called out. No answer.

“Ellie?” He repeated himself, louder this time. Again, no answer.

He sighed, turning the burner on the stove down to its lowest setting and wiping his hands on a dishrag. He stopped to pick up the jacket she’d tossed on the floor in the entryway— no matter how many times he’d told her, she never hung it up.

The door to her room was shut. He stood at the top of the stairs for a second, trying to decide what he should do, then stepped forward and rapped on the door with his knuckles.

“What?”

“Can I come in?”

“Fine.” Her voice was clipped, affecting annoyance, but underneath that he could hear the quiver she was trying to suppress. She was crying, or had been crying. His heart sunk.

She was sitting by the window, knees drawn up to her chest. She didn’t turn to acknowledge him when he walked in, kept herself angled toward the gray sky outside. Still, he could see that her face looked puffy and blotched, eyes ringed with pink.

“You doin’ okay?”

She took a sharp breath in. “What the fuck do you think?”

He sat down on the edge of her bed, a few feet from her.

“What happened?” Just a couple hours ago she’d seemed so happy. Walking down the street with her friends, her body loose and light. Whatever upset her, it made the rage well up in him like a fountain. If those kids were mean to her, so help him God he’d snap their little necks.

“You wouldn’t understand,” she replied bitterly.

“I might.”

She huffed out something between a snort and a sigh. “No, you wouldn’t. You don’t know what it’s like to be a fucking freak.”

He felt sick to his stomach, remembering how hard he’d gone at her over working with the dogs. Telling her she needed to be careful, that people would turn on her if they found out, drive her out of town or worse. How was a girl supposed to settle in and make friends with that hanging over her head?

“Ellie.” She wouldn’t look at him, twisting her head further away, her shoulders hunched protectively. He moved over to the windowsill and lowered himself beside her.

“There’s nothin’ wrong with you, Ellie. You’re not a freak, you’re— you’re a—” He faltered, trying to find the right words.

Her head whipped around and she pinned him with her eyes. Angry, anguished, pleading. “What do you think I am?”

“You’re a miracle,” he said softly.

She shook her head at him, then took a deep breath, opening her mouth as if to say something. But no words came. After a moment, her face crumpled and she leaned forward to bury herself against his chest.

He wrapped his arms around her. He rubbed circles against the bird wings of her shoulders, feeling them heave as she sobbed against him.

“Shhh, shhh. Shhh, s’okay.”

Jack and Old Michael had asked Tommy to help with enlarging the sheep enclosure. He knew it was going to be a long day’s work, digging out fence post holes by hand. Now that the ground had finally thawed and farm work could begin in earnest, there were a thousand back-breaking jobs like this to keep him busy in the coming months.

Not that he truly minded a day’s work in the sun. He whistled as he walked toward the barn, auger slung over his shoulder. When he rounded the corner into the field, work was already well underway. Michael was laying down markers along the far end, while Jack was up near the gate, throwing his post hole digger at the ground with all the force his wiry body could muster.

A few feet away from him, Joel was kneeling, hacking away at the roots of a scrubby bush that was in the way. Tommy’s heart sped up— it’d been a good two weeks since he and Joel had spoken. He’d seen his brother in passing, but he wouldn’t so much as meet Tommy’s eyes.

Tommy knew he’d fucked up. Maria had made it plenty clear to him, that night she came home after running into Joel at the bar. He should’ve told Joel as soon as he and Ellie returned from their trip to the Fireflies. But they’d both seemed so worn down and troubled, that day when they’d stumbled back into Jackson. He knew Joel’s moods, was used to tiptoeing around his rage, taking care not to poke the bear. He’d figured he should give them some time to settle in before explaining why Maria had to know about Ellie. And then… well, the time had never seemed right.

And he was a coward when it came to his brother. Had been since he was knee high to a grasshopper.

As he approached, Joel looked up. Tommy could tell by the way his eyes widened that he wasn’t expecting to see him there, either. He stole a glance at Old Michael; even from this distance he could see the amusement on the man’s face. He sighed. Little old fucker thought he was playing matchmaker, getting the feuding Miller brothers out here to build a fence together.

At least there was work to be done. Tommy set himself up a little ways down from Jack, drilling out the next hole. He felt sweat starting to bead on his forehead as he leaned his weight into his arms, wrenching the handles of the auger around and around.

The four men settled into a rhythm with each other, despite the tension hanging in the air. Despite Tommy and Joel not exchanging one word. They took turns digging holes and clearing brush, setting poles and tamping dirt. It was chilly but not freezing, and the work kept them plenty warm.

Around noon they took a break, cooling down in the shadow of the barn. Jack’s sister, Roberta, brought out sandwiches and iced tea. Bread, cheese, pickles, and hefty slices of chicken— it tasted so damn good after all that work.

Joel had sat down as far away from Tommy as he could, on the far side of Jack and Old Michael. But after they finished eating, the two other men excused themselves to go use the facilities, conveniently leaving the brothers alone. Subtle as a goddamn sledgehammer, those guys.

But in truth, he was grateful for the chance.

Tommy looked out across the field, not sure how to start. There was so much he wanted to say to his brother, and a lot of it he’d probably never find a way to put into words.

“I’m sorry, Joel.”

“Don’t.” The response came swiftly, a warning.

“I should’ve told you. I feel terrible about it.”

“You shouldn’t’ve told her in the first place,” Joel hissed.

“It was the night before you left. I thought I was gonna be the one leaving with Ellie in the morning. And I knew it was dangerous. There was a real chance I wouldn’t come back.” Tommy kept his voice soft and even, trying not to let Joel draw him into yet another fight. “I couldn’t walk out on my pregnant wife, maybe for good, without her even knowing why. I couldn’t risk my child growing up not knowing me, and thinking it was ‘cause I didn’t care.”

Tommy looked at his brother. Shoulders set, jaw taut, radiating tension. But he was quiet at least. Not yelling and not storming off, which counted as a victory when it came to Joel.

“But I was gonna do it, Joel. I was gonna take the chance I’d never see my kid grow up, for you. It wasn’t— it wasn’t really about the cure.”

Joel let out a long breath. They sat for a moment in silence.

“And Maria let me go,” Tommy continued. “I know you think she hates you—“

“She does.”

“Okay, she does. But she trusts me when I say I need to do what’s right. And I trust her. You’ve got to know that she’s safe,” he said, his voice pleading. “She’s family now, Joel. Like it or not.”

He could see Joel clenching and unclenching his fist, that nervous habit he had. He took a few deep breaths, then finally turned to look Tommy squarely in the eyes. There was anger in his expression, but mostly there was sadness. And the cold glint of fear.

“I’ve accepted that, Tommy. But I need you to understand, too. Ellie—Ellie is family now, too. We protect her. Like she’s one of our own.”

Nina stood in the dining hall, tray in hand, looking for a place to sit. She was conscious of eyes on her, sizing her up. A feeling akin to being in a middle school cafeteria. She’d avoided coming here for the past week or so, but she couldn’t stay away forever. And anyway, she had business to see to today.

The Millers were all sitting together for a change— Tommy, Maria, Joel, and Ellie. They looked happy, the four of them, as they talked over their dinner. Even Joel looked a little lighter, the brow not as pinched and the scowl not cut so deep. He looked younger when he wasn’t so surly, she noticed. He must’ve wrecked some hearts in his day, with that jawline and those curls and the solid muscle bunching below his shirt. He could probably wreck some hearts right now, here in Jackson, but from what she’d seen he wasn’t terribly interested in that.

As she approached, he looked up suddenly. His eyes caught on hers, wide and dark and a little surprised to find her watching him. Then he looked back down at his plate, suddenly seeming very interested in his potatoes.

“Mind if I join for a minute?” Nina gestured toward an empty chair at one end of the table, beside Tommy and Maria.

“Doc! Please, have a seat.” Tommy gave her a warm smile, and she felt a little rush of gratitude for his friendliness. She liked to pretend she didn’t care what people thought of her, but the past couple of weeks had been rough. Not just the occasional nasty looks, but the general sense of discomfort people had around her, the awkwardness and trepidation and pity.

“I won’t stay long. Don’t want to interrupt your family time. But I do need to check in with you all about something.”

“Nina.” Maria fixed her with one of her looks. “You know you’re always welcome here, and you know you can’t stay in your apartment all day. Stay and eat.”

So she tried to sit and be companionable as she worked through her serving of stew, but her mind was elsewhere. She knew Maria was worried about her and was trying to be supportive by insisting she join their family dinner. But the more stressed she felt, the less she wanted to be around people, putting on a performance of normalcy. She’d rather be back in her clinic, studying her medical textbooks or preparing elderberry tinctures or something productive. Not making small talk with the Millers, however nice they might be.

She was also acutely conscious of Joel sitting a few few away, and keeping quiet much like she was. Twice she looked up just as his eyes were skidding away from her. Was he watching her because she’d been watching him? Or was he just… watching her?

“So Doc,” Tommy began, “you said you had something to talk to us about?”

She set down her spoon. “I have to go to Lava Hot Springs next week, to meet Mo. Starkey was supposed to go with me, like he did in the fall.”

“Shit.” Tommy rubbed an anxious hand along the back of his neck. “I completely forgot.”

“You’re going to meet the smuggler? That’s so fucking cool,” Ellie broke in, eyes shining.

“Ellie,” Joel admonished her quietly.

“What? You know it’s cool.”

“I know it’s unfortunate timing, but I’ve got to meet him. We’re going to be in bad shape if I don’t.”

“No, you’re right. We can’t afford to miss the rendezvous.” Maria looked pensive, running through the logistics in her head. “Someone else needs to go with you. It’s too dangerous to travel that way alone.”

“I hate to say this,” Tommy said with a sheepish look in her direction. “But I think most folks’d be hesitant to go with you right now, Nina. Not for any good reason, but they might be afraid that…” He trailed off.

“What, like she’s gonna execute them if they sprain an ankle or something? That’s bull-“

“Ellie!”

Joel was glaring daggers at the girl, but Nina flashed her a smile. Tommy was right: people might not want to join her on a trip right now. But Ellie was also right: it was bullshit.

There was a moment of silence, everyone thinking through the options. Then Tommy spoke. “I’ll go.”

Nina caught the way Maria’s eyes flicked at his, widening in alarm, before she composed herself. She knew Maria didn’t want him going on any more patrols, not when she was so close to her due date, and not when things outside Jackson had been so treacherous. Tommy, for his part, didn’t look terribly happy about the plan, but he was resolute: it had to be done.

“No, Tommy. You gotta stay with Maria now. I’ll go.” Everyone turned to look at Joel, who went back to spooning soup into his mouth, nonchalantly.

“That could work,” Tommy mused.

“Is that okay with you, Nina?” Maria was giving her a look she didn’t quite understand— studying her, warning her maybe.

The thing that was disturbing him was that Ellie wasn’t mad. She was annoyed and a little mopey about being left behind, but she wasn’t getting in his face and blowing up at him. She left him alone while he packed his rucksack with clothes and supplies.

He didn’t like it. Kept thinking about what Nina had told him that night in the bar. It’s a good thing that Ellie’s acting out. It’s what teenagers did in normal times.

She hadn’t gone out to work with the dogs, either. Not since that day last week when she came home in tears. He’d even told her, with a great deal of discomfort, that it was okay if she wanted to keep doing it.

She’d given him a shocked look, but then she just shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. “I dunno, I’m not really that into it anymore.”

“What about… somethin’ else? Some other kind of farm work? Or maybe somethin’ with food, like the bakery?”

“Um, maybe. I guess I’ll talk to Maria about it when you’re gone.”

She had that flatness about her that she got now and then. She’d been that way for a long time after he’d gotten stabbed and she’d been taken by those goddamn fundamentalist creeps. He’d worried then that there was a side of her that was gone for good. That was the way he felt about himself— that parts of the man he’d once been were buried too deep to ever get back.

But she’d resurfaced from that, eventually. She was probably stronger than him, in addition to smarter. Still though, occasionally she would get that look in her eyes. Or that lack of a look, that kind of sad emptiness. It made him feel sick. And he didn’t really know how to help her, because he himself had never learned how to overcome that kind of pain. He just lived like a twisted version of himself in its shadow.

Now he was leaving her while she was in one of those moods, and he felt awful about it. He thought about offering not to go, but he couldn’t do it to Tommy. As he’d reminded Joel, his brother had been willing to put his life on the line for him. For him and for Ellie. And now it was his turn, to look after Tommy and Maria and the baby.

And then there was Nina. He kept thinking about her, and kept trying not to think about her. Kept thinking it was a bad idea to go on this trip with her, when for weeks he’d been daydreaming about her while he fucked his fist in the shower. He barely knew how to act when he was around her in mixed company. How would he get through a week on the road, just the two of them?

There were a number of reasons why he’d hadn’t made any kind of move on her, and didn’t intend to. She was young and tough and smart as a whip, and she was frankly out of his league. He hadn’t hooked up with someone new in over a decade and he wasn’t sure he even remembered how. He’d had no reason to think she was interested.

But despite all that, he wanted to be near her. He wanted to hear her talk with her low, melodic voice. He wanted to look at her dark eyes and darker lashes, the bronze expanse of her skin. The way her hands moved, skillful and gentle, and the way her wide hips swayed as she walked.

She was the fishhook; he was the fish.

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karatam · 1 year

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Read recently (March 2023)

A Day of Fallen Night by Samantha Shannon. A standalone prequel to 'The Priory of the Orange Tree', this one tells the story of a variety of characters about 500 years before Priory, including a princess, an adopted warrior, a hidden heir, and a grieving mother, who must all rise to face an existential threat to the world (evil dragons). I liked it, but I'm not going to lie, I wasn't as blown away by it as I was with Priory. It suffered, weirdly, from me knowing too much because of the other book, which made some ~mysteries~ a little stupid. I liked a lot of the characters, and I loved some of their dynamics, but I felt let down by the plot. idk maybe my expectations were unreasonably high for this one.

The Rage of Dragons by Evan Winter. Also about dragons! Set in a world inspired by the author's childhood in Zambia, this tells the story of a young man, born as in society's Lesser caste, trying to climb the ranks of the military to get his vengeance. With the backdrop of the morality of being an invader who has no ability to leave, secretive magic, and hidden political intrigue, I was really interested in this one. Read it in like 3 days, couldn't put it down. The fight scenes in this are some of the best I've ever read, and I immediately went out to find the sequel.

King of Scars by Leigh Bardugo. Picks up maybe 4-5 years after the Alina series and maybe a year after the Crows series. We follow Nikolai and Zoya as they try to keep a fragile Ravka together while enemies close in and unexplained miracles start happening. And we follow Nina, undercover in Fjerda and trying to mourn. It's the big picture war and magic and politics of the first series with the much improved writing of the SoC series. Ripped through this book in like 2 days and immediately cracked open the sequel. I am deeply infatuated with every character and would marry basically any of them in a heartbeat (but Zoya and Nina especially).

Rule of Wolves by Leigh Bardugo. Picks up right where KoS left off. Ravka's enemies are baying at the gates, as Fjerda looks to conquer and Shu looks to manipulate. Nikolai's reign is in jeopardy, Zoya is dealing with her newfound power, and Nina is trying desperately to keep Fjerda from ripping out the heart of Ravka. Also, an old enemy lurks in the background of it all. Also read this one in like 3 days, it really is a page-turner. (spoiler: I didn't love [redacted] being back, just because I find the character to be very irritating to read about, just in general, but I get why, I guess)

The Fires of Vengeance by Evan Winter. Picks up almost right where Rage of Dragons left off, we follow Tau and the Queen as they fight to get the kingdom back from the usurpers. But multiple larger threats loom on the horizon, and we learn more about the wider world as Tau is forced to see beyond his narrow focus of vengeance. As the politics and history become clearer, I definitely felt an "are we the baddies?" vibe, as the people we follow are the invaders, and are willing to doublecross their allies to gain advantage. With the way it ends, I'm curious about how the series continues, as the kingdoms enemies come calling. Also, it is very funny that Tau simply has no gaydar.

The Bone Ships by RJ Barker. A cross between a fantasy world with dragons and a nautical fiction book (like Master and Commander), this is a very interesting first book in a trilogy. We follow Joron, the first mate of a ship of condemned sailors, as the ship goes on a mission to find the first sea dragon sighted in centuries. A bit slow to get going, it builds the world in layers, and it's an intricate one (I recommend checking the small glossary at the back for the ranks of the crew on a ship). But once the plot starts, its a great ride, full of action and betrayal and loyalty. Definitely grabbing the sequel when I can.

The Justice of Kings by Richard Swan. We follow 19 year old Helena as she accompanies her employer, Justice Konrad Vonvalt, around the empire despensing justice using the magic given to all members of his order. There are mysteries and the book teases how it's the beginning of the end of the empire. The plot was interesting, but the characters felt very flat to me. Helena's narration was a weird mix of a emotional teen and the resigned wisdom of her much older self writing her memoirs, I just felt like her character didn't really fit her backstory. Not sure if I'll read the sequel.

#jess reads stuff #jessreads

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bookishjules · 2 years

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2 & 15!! <3

2. top 5 books of all time?

(disclaimers: (a) this is a very much in-this-moment list and is wildly subject to change, (b) I'm thinking about stand alones only, and (c) this list is also in no particular order but is based more on merit and personal effect than more simple enjoyment)

i am the messenger by markus zusak

a man called ove by fredrik backman

the secret garden by frances hodgeson burnett

a monster calls by patrick ness

to kill a mockingbird by harper lee

15. recommend and review a book.

i may have already talked about it on here.. but i recently read we are okay by nina lacour and wow. I finished it and immediately wanted to flip back to the first page. it's a book about forgiveness and grief and friends and family and independence and the cold bitter winters of life. it's such a short book, but the characters are still beautifully crafted and dynamic. it perfectly captures what it's like to be 18/19, which makes the story itself feel that much more alive.

(let's talk about books!)

#thanks for asking <33 #becca 😎#book ask game #asks

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electricbluebutterflies · 2 years

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Helnik and #23 caught in snowstorm :)

Modern AU, pre-relationship, PG-ish, and also on ao3.

It happens by accident.

The whole group descends on his house like the pack of questionably socialized wolves they are – Matthias is enough of a person to realize that part of his acceptance into the dynamic hinges on his lack of human roommates – and departs in a more staggered fashion, couples leaving as they always do, until it’s just Nina lingering and still unable to shut up and oh she’ll be the end of him someday. She does this with everyone, he’s learned, takes whatever spaces she wants and spends more nights on other people’s couches than in her own bed. He’ll drape a blanket or two over her when she finally loses consciousness, and there’s nothing awkward about this set of routines at all, and-

Matthias looks out the window as his own tiredness is starting to become apparent, and plans don’t mean a damned thing anymore.

It’s snowing in the way that people down here don’t tend to like, enough that going anywhere tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. His own northern background makes him fearless about it – a few inches is nothing, thank you – but he feels a certain worry about the people he is starting to love, about-

“Something cool out there?” Nina asks, finally figuring out that he stopped actively listening to her multiple minutes ago.

“Come look.”

She does – there’s not really enough space for two bodies at his front window, but she makes it work, stands far too close for what they are trying not to be and stares out at the current state of the world. “I’m not going home in that.”

“I doubted you were anyways.”

For this he gets an elbow to the ribs – Nina is tactile in ways he will never be used to, and also not in appropriate position to properly glare at him as the reflection on the window shows she’s doing anyways. “I should just move in.”

She’s threatened to, before. Her debris has already started to accumulate, to the point where he finds himself tempted to ask if a woman he hasn’t even kissed would like a drawer and he’s already had to clear part of the bathroom cabinet. If she were to get stuck here, it would be a few days before he’d even need to offer her more than one of his sweaters for warmth, and-

“I’m happier alone,” and they both know what a lie that is, how easily he’s adapted to group dynamics he never knew he wanted in his life before they happened to him. He was happier alone, he thinks, and now he isn’t and it’s tearing him apart and his planned life alone but for a series of large winter dogs is looking less and less likely and-

“We should plan,” Nina says, never good words coming from her. “In case the power goes out. I saw we’re looking at a few inches, and…”

Great, confirmed end of the world, anything involving multiple inches of snow means the outside world all but shuts down, and she has a point, and-

“We… you could sleep in my room tonight. Just in case.”

Matthias would like to think he’s good at boundaries, and Nina flirts with everyone and he’s never had the impression he’s anything special to her. Cuddling for warmth is a different practice than anything else he’s thought about, but it’s still a new step for them. He’s never gotten the impression that her nights on the couch have been uncomfortable, but…

“If that’s okay with you, yes.”

Okay might be pushing it a little, but they’re thinking strategy here and that overrides whatever objections may otherwise be had. Two human bodies and a very fluffy dog will provide adequate warmth if something goes wrong in the night, and in the morning they can see if the fireplace that hasn’t been used in who-knows-how-long actually works, and-

It occurs to him, as they move into his spaces, that he’s never technically taken anyone into his bed before. This is an innocent subversion of the idea, but it’s still-

“If you want me on the couch, I’m okay with the couch,” Nina says as if sensing his internal conflicts. “I don’t mind. Really.”

“This was your idea,” he reminds her. “And I don’t… it’s just odd.”

“Odd because of me, or…?”

“I thought it would happen differently. You and me on a mattress.”

It takes her a moment to process, and another moment for her to lean in and kiss his cheek. “I thought you’d never say those words.”

“I-“

“I wasn’t sure what my chances were, y’know? You’re so… repressed and not completely in the hot way, and… I wasn’t about to jump you, but I’ve thought about it so much and-“

“That’s not what I’m suggesting, Nina.”

“But you’ve at least thought about it. Pleasantly. That’s so good to know.”

“I’m not-“

“I know. You’re cautious and sweet and a little scared of me and you look like that and… I can hold back. That’s not world-ending for me. But at least you’ve figured out what you want.”

“I do want you. Eventually. But this really is just… body heat, alright?”

“Understood.” She takes another face kiss, and he suspects his own boundaries won’t last as long as he’d expected and that’ll be okay when it happens. Still a slower burn than she’s ever let anyone have before, if the stories from the rest of their friends are to be believed, but-

To her credit, Nina does not strip down for sleep, instead just disentangling herself long enough to kick off her shoes even though that dress she has on as a base layer won’t be comfortable in the night. She’s adapting too, and there’s a certain beauty in it. He has more options and he takes them, retreating to the bathroom to change into adequate sleep clothes, and-

“You could borrow a sweatshirt if you want,” he offers. “Or anything else you’re inclined to…”

“I’m fine. A few weird marks on my skin are an adequate trade-off for not breaking you.”

He has never done this before, he is vividly aware as they move around on the bed trying to find comfortable positions and he is thankful the dog hasn’t inserted herself into the situation. He has never done this before, but Nina is nothing if not the most perfect challenge he’s ever encountered, and she has no trouble moving him when he’s not doing what she wants, and when she stops they’re more entwined than he expected and-

“If there’s anything… awkward, in the morning…”

“I can ignore a biological response,” she laughs. “I get to play with you at some point. I don’t need to rush it.”

(In the morning, they are snowed in and nothing is awkward and Matthias does not admit he’s never kissed anyone he liked before and he doesn’t need to.)

(Later they make snow angels and then hot chocolate, and Nina almost destroys the tiny kitchen, and there are so many ways to fall in love and apparently they get all of them.)

#ebf writes fic #helnik #queue

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wanderedaway · 2 years

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5 & 11 😊

I promise, I haven't forgotten about these! 🥺 I finally had some free time to answer.

5. How many wips do you have? What fandoms/pairings are they for?

Too many. 🥲 I'll tell you about the ones I have some framework for. Lots of scenes written, just to get them out of my brain, but the plots keep changing. I like to do character driven stuff. I'll imagine myself working on parts of me I know are a problem and apply them my OC's. I just want them to eventually be happy. And the characters they interact with, too.

Bullet Train, leaning towards OFC again because I've given her codenames now, which is like pretty much naming her. We'll see. I still need to play with it a bit. For now, OFC x Tangerine. I even had most of 3 to 4 chapters written until 💩 hit the fan. I would love to finish it one day. But I have all sorts of ideas of interactions between her and Tangerine, her and Lemon (best of friends, I love what I have planned for them), and then of course, the three of them together, I feel like make quite the dynamic. I'm pretty sure this will be a fix it fic, set after the events of the movie.

TENET, OFC x Neil (though I'm heavily debating writing as a reader insert. Not sure what to go with yet and it doesn't help that half the stuff I have written is in my OC's POV and the other half in reader's POV. 😅) So maybe a wee bit about what I'm working on: Nina, if I go through with it, gets recruited into TENET and she learns how to open up a bit more after living most of her life emotionally closed off. All she's known is Mahir, her closest friend, kind of a brother to her. Throw Neil into the mix and he helps Nina learn to trust people again. Definite fix it fic, because . . . . you know why.

Star Trek (Alternate Original Series, you know with Chris Pine), OFC x Chekov. Anna Pike, daughter of Cristopher Pike, wants to show that she's capable. Prove to her father that she's worthy of his praise and attention, but while she does eventually gets her dad to see that, she learns she doesn't need it from him or anyone from the help of the crew of the USS Enterprise. There are some neat friendships there, too.

Mission Impossible . . . No pairings, except maybe hints of Ethan and Ilsa. OFC, Elizabeth "Lizzie" Lane. Low key, black widow vibes in the sense that she was taken from her biological family and raised by Solomon Lane to be part of his secret project. I plan to do like movie tie in type of fic, while also spinning it a little bit. Lizzie was supposed to be raised in Solomon Lane's image and be quite a dangerous operative, but Lizzie starts to think for herself when she meets Benjamin Dunn. He wants to help her out of her situation.

The Batman . . . F!Reader x Bruce Wayne/Batman. Pretty sure I could safely write that one as a reader fic. I have scenes for it, but not much plot for it. I have this vision of reader helping Bruce and Alfred making the suit. And then some angsty stuff because it's Bruce.

The Falcon and The Winter Soldier, OFC x Bucky. Louise, still a little unsure what her place is in the MCU, I've been playing with it for awhile and just kinda hit a stop. Pretty much follows the events of the show.

There's a splash or two of found family in all of these because of reasons. 🥲 Hands down, my fave trope.

11. Do you write scenes in order, or do you jump around?

Oh, honey, how I wish I could just write stuff in order, but my brain is like nope.

When my brain is nice to me, I can get some things down, but that is a rarity. 🥲

send me a fanfic ask?

#ask games #thank you yanna! 💕

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evoldir · 10 months

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Fwd: Postdoc: NorwegianInstNatRes.ClimateAdaptation

Begin forwarded message: > From: [email protected] > Subject: Postdoc: NorwegianInstNatRes.ClimateAdaptation > Date: 8 December 2023 at 06:28:13 GMT > To: [email protected] > > > NINA is the leading research institute for applied ecology in > Norway. Applications are invited for a two-year postdoctoral research > associate position (from ~15 February 2024) in the project “Interactive > effects of pollutants and climate on seabirds in Arctic Coastal ecosystems > (ClimACTox)”. at the NINA office in Trondheim or Oslo, Norway. The > project is funded by a grant from The Research Council of Norway. > > The goal of ClimACTox is to address the consequences of climate, > pollutants and seasonal distribution on the population dynamics of Arctic > seabirds. We will examine three species of seabirds, common eiders > Somateria mollissima, Arctic skuas Stercorarius parasiticus and great > skuas S. skua, at several sites in high arctic and sub-arctic coastal > Norway and Svalbard. The three species differ in their trophic ecology, > life-history, and migratory movements, with wintering areas spanning from > the southern hemisphere outside the coasts of Africa and South America, > to Iceland and the coast of Norway. The Postdoctoral researcher will > be a member of a strong project group with collaborators from NINA, > the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) and Littoral > Environment and Society (LIENSs, La Rochelle, France). > > About NINA > NINA is an independent research institute with more than 330 > employees. NINA is headquartered in Trondheim, and have research > departments in Oslo, Lillehammer, Bergen and Tromsø. We have a wide > range of expertise and experience in both natural science and social > science research, including how various driving forces affect nature and > the interactions between humans and nature. NINA is Norway’s leading > research institute in applied ecology and collaborates extensively with > other research communities nationally and internationally. For more > information about NINA – www.nina.no

#IFTTT #Email

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balanchine-ballet-master · 2 years

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Kyra Nichols Rehearses Robbins

from the New York Times, January 29, 2003

Easy Does It: Bringing Old-School Wisdom to City Ballet

Kyra Nichols, a former principal, returns to the company for the first time since her 2007 retirement to coach ballets by Balanchine and Robbins.

By Gia Kourlas Jan. 29, 2023

Indiana Woodward knew her time with Kyra Nichols was dwindling: It was the last hour they would spend together before Nichols, an esteemed former New York City Ballet principal, had to head back to her day job as a professor at the Indiana University Jacobs School of Music.

For City Ballet’s winter season, Nichols had returned—for the first time since her 2007 retirement—to coach dancers in George Balanchine’s “Donizetti Variations” and “Walpurgisnacht,” as well as Jerome Robbins’s “Rondo,” an understated, little-seen ballet created for Nichols and Stephanie Saland in 1980.

A rehearsal for that ballet was about to begin, and Woodward and Nichols were talking—with the repertory director Christine Redpath—about energy: how to save it, how to store it, how to look better by doing less.

Woodward, with imploring eyes, turned to Nichols with a request: “Whenever you think of it, just send us a message”—she made a calming motion by patting down the air with her hands—“saying, ‘Take it easy.’”

Easy, of course, isn’t always so easy. But the idea behind it is important: How can a dancer replace force with something more free? How can she explore the possibilities of effortless dancing, the kind that Nichols was known for? She knew how to be natural. Throughout her 33-year career with City Ballet, Nichols made it seem as if steps were flowing—sometimes gently, sometimes with a wild, gushing power—through her limbs, her torso, her elegant upper body, as epitomized in the dynamic épaulement of her shoulders and head.

Nichols’s dancing was expansive and free, yet in the service of the choreography—or, really, the musicality within the choreography. It’s not so different from the way she demonstrates movement in the studio: She moves.

Above: Nichols, left, with Christine Redpath, a City Ballet repertory director. It was Redpath who asked Nichols for help when she began putting “Rondo” together. Photo: Nina Westervelt for The New York Times

The invitation to coach was a happy surprise. “I thought, the time will come if they want me to come,” she said. “I didn’t push it. Hopefully, I’ll come back. It’s been a really great experience.” It started when Redpath began putting together “Rondo,” and asked Nichols for help. Enlisting former company members from the Balanchine era to coach dancers from the current generation is something that City Ballet, under its artistic director, Jonathan Stafford, and associate artistic director, Wendy Whelan, has continued to implement. Mikhail Baryshnikov, Edward Villella, Patricia McBride and Suzanne Farrell have all come back to coach; this season, Adam Luders returned along with Nichols.

Beginning Tuesday, “Rondo” will take the stage again, featuring the pairing of Mira Nadon and Isabella LaFreniere—and, later, Woodward and Olivia MacKinnon. (LaFreniere and MacKinnon perform Nichols’s role.) “He would have Stephanie do something that was simple,” Nichols said of Robbins. “And then he had me do a version that was just a little bit harder.”

“Rondo” didn’t last beyond 1980 at City Ballet. Yet the pas de deux, set to Mozart’s Rondo in A minor for solo piano, has a gleaming simplicity and an unsentimental feeling of sisterhood. At the time of its premiere, Robbins wrote to Leonard Bernstein, inviting him to see the ballet: “I like it,” Robbins said, “although like the music, it is a fairly quiet work.”

Quiet or not, Nichols feels that “anything of Jerry’s should just always be kept—and Balanchine,” she said. “Even if it wasn’t a big success, it still has so much in it. It’s important to the dancers, this new generation.”

Robbins began creating “Rondo” with little fanfare, beginning, as he often did, by playing around in the studio. “He got us in there and was just toying with different ideas and then, all of a sudden,” Nichols said, “they wanted it on opening night that season.”

Above: Kyra Nichols, right, coaching Isabella LaFreniere, left, and Mira Nadon in Jerome Robbins’s “Rondo.” Photo: Nina Westervelt for The New York Times

Robbins labored over his ballets. When he learned that “Rondo” would be performed so soon, he secured the only stage rehearsal possible: one hour on the day before the premiere while the stagehands were on their dinner break.

“They were loading in,” Nichols said. “There was no floor laid. The wings were up, and they were putting all the lights in. So when they went to dinner, we ran ‘Rondo.’ We didn’t wear pointe shoes, but he could see, visually, what we were dancing.”

In the ballet, the two women echo each other closely, performing in sync or in canon as one trails behind the other in light runs and jumps, tightly knitted chaîné turns—in which alternating feet spin across the floor like a chain—and tiny steps that send them floating across the stage. They partner each other, too: “Rondo” is a crystalline display of two women dancing together, working together, as Nichols put it, to make it work.

“It was more your body doing it, especially with Jerry,” she said. “Look at the other girl, but don’t make love to her.”

In a rehearsal with Nadon and LaFreniere, Nichols urged the dancers not only to be easy, but also to be natural—a hallmark of Robbins’s choreography. “You have a beautiful pointed toe,” she said. “Just step on it.”

“Rondo” looks serene, but is it? “This is a beast, this is so hard; how did she make this look so easy?” LaFreniere said, referring to Nichols, in a video interview with Nadon. “One of the first things she said when she came into the studio was like, ‘Just less, everything less.’ After one of our run-throughs of ‘Rondo,’ I was super, super sweaty. And she looked at us and she said, ‘Yeah, we’re going to have to learn how to breathe.’”

Nadon added: “I think as dancers, our tendency is to want to work really hard because we want to push our physicality. And sometimes the hardest thing is to do a little less and to be a little calmer and to let the movement speak for itself.”

That’s part of what Nichols grasped while working with Robbins: not being balletic about movement quality. Walking, standing—everyday movements performed by dancers without affectation to create something new, a kind of pedestrian classicism. “I didn’t have it right off the bat either,” Nichols said. “How many times did I walk across the stage looking at the lights in ‘Dances at a Gathering’ and him going, ‘No, let’s do it again.’ Not walking on the music, being casual, not pointing the toe—it’s so different than taking ballet class.”

Nichols says she loves coaching, loves to share what she learned; during her time at City Ballet, she was especially flattered to be asked to teach a variations class at the company-affiliated School of American Ballet. She focused on “Spring” in Robbins’s “The Four Seasons.” She taught it the way Robbins originally choreographed it—with turns to the left and right. Now, turns are generally performed to the right; most dancers are right turners. For Nichols, that distorts the structure of the variation, how its choreography fills the stage. She recalled the first time she was in the studio with Robbins; up to that point, in “Goldberg Variations” and “Fanfare,” two of his ballets, she found herself positioned in the back row. She assumed she wasn’t going to become a Robbins dancer and, as she told herself, that was OK: She was working with Balanchine. But then, to her surprise, she was called to a rehearsal with Robbins.

“He was still dancing around a lot at that point,” she said. “I got there, and he started moving. He moved to the left. He did hops on my weak foot.”

She was honored to be in the room. She wanted to please him, so she followed along. “And what was I supposed to say? ‘Um, Mr. Robbins, that’s my weak side. I can’t turn to that side.’ I was 19 at that point. I was like, I’m in the room with Jerry Robbins. I just did it.”

Photo: Nina Westerveldt for the NY Times

#Kyra Nichols #Jerome Robbins #New York City Ballet #NYCB #Christine Redpath #Isabella LaFreniere #Mira Nadon #Indiana Woodward #Gia Kourlas #Nina Westerveldt #ballet #rehearsal #Balanchine dancer

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alexlacquemanne · 2 years

Text

Décembre MMXXII

Films

Détective privé (Harper) (1966) de Jack Smight avec Paul Newman, Lauren Bacall, Janet Leigh, Robert Wagner, Julie Harris, Shelley Winters et Pamela Tiffin

Le Grand Sommeil (The Big Sleep) (1946) de Howard Hawks avec Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, John Ridgely, Martha Vickers, Dorothy Malone et Peggy Knudsen

Rebecca (1940) d'Alfred Hitchcock avec Laurence Olivier, Joan Fontaine, George Sanders, Judith Anderson, Nigel Bruce et Reginald Denny

Le Baron de l'écluse (1960) de Jean Delannoy avec Jean Gabin, Micheline Presle, Jacques Castelot, Aimée Mortimer, Jean Constantin, Blanchette Brunoy et Jean Desailly

La Femme d'à côté (1981) de François Truffaut avec Gérard Depardieu, Fanny Ardant, Henri Garcin, Michèle Baumgartner : Arlette Coudray et Véronique Silver

De la part des copains (Cold Sweat) (1970) de Terence Young avec Charles Bronson, Liv Ullmann, James Mason, Jill Ireland, Jean Topart et Michel Constantin

Un Américain à Paris (An American in Paris) (1951) de Vincente Minnelli avec Gene Kelly, Leslie Caron, Oscar Levant, Georges Guétary et Nina Foch

L'Odyssée de l'African Queen (The African Queen) (1951) de John Huston avec Humphrey Bogart, Katharine Hepburn, Robert Morley, Peter Bull et Theodore Bikel

L'Arnaqueur (The Hustler) (1961) de Robert Rossen avec Paul Newman, Piper Laurie, Jackie Gleason et George C. Scott et Myron McCormick

L'Express du colonel Von Ryan (Von Ryan's Express) (1965) de Mark Robson avec Frank Sinatra, Trevor Howard, Raffaella Carrà, Brad Dexter, Sergio Fantoni et Edward Mulhare

L'Adorable Voisine (Bell, Book and Candle) (1958) de Richard Quine avec James Stewart, Kim Novak, Jack Lemmon, Ernie Kovacs, Hermione Gingold et Elsa Lanchester

Hannibal (Annibale) (1959) de Carlo Ludovico Bragaglia et Edgar G. Ulmer avec Victor Mature, Rita Gam, Mario Girotti et Carlo Pedersoli, Gabriele Ferzetti et Milly Vitale

Cléopâtre (Cleopatra) (1963) de Joseph L. Mankiewicz avec Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, Rex Harrison, Roddy McDowall, Pamela Brown, George Cole et Martin Landau

Astérix et Cléopâtre (1968) de René Goscinny et Albert Uderzo avec Roger Carel, Jacques Morel, Micheline Dax, Lucien Raimbourg, Pierre Tornade et Bernard Lavalette

Les Trois Mousquetaires (The Three Musketeers) (1973) de Richard Lester avec Oliver Reed, Raquel Welch, Richard Chamberlain, Michael York, Frank Finlay, Christopher Lee, Geraldine Chaplin, Jean-Pierre Cassel, Faye Dunaway et Charlton Heston

On l'appelait Milady (The Four Musketeers: Milady's Revenge) (1974) de Richard Lester avec Oliver Reed, Frank Finlay, Richard Chamberlain, Michael York, Raquel Welch, Christopher Lee et Faye Dunaway

Salomon et la Reine de Saba (Solomon and Sheba) (1959) de King Vidor avec Yul Brynner, Gina Lollobrigida, George Sanders, Marisa Pavan, Finlay Currie et David Farrar

Avatar : La Voie de l'eau (Avatar: The Way of Water) (2022) de James Cameron avec Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Britain Dalton, Chloe Coleman et Stephen Lang

Fantômas (1964) d'André Hunebelle avec Jean Marais, Raymond Pellegrin, Louis de Funès, Mylène Demongeot, Jacques Dynam, Robert Dalban et Marie-Hélène Arnaud

Fantômas se déchaîne (1965) d'André Hunebelle avec Louis de Funès, Jean Marais, Mylène Demongeot, Jacques Dynam et Robert Dalban

Derrick contre Superman (Eine grosse Fünf) (1992) de Michel Hazanavicius et Dominique Mézerette avec Patrick Burgel et Évelyne Grandjean

La Classe américaine : Le Grand Détournement (1993) de Michel Hazanavicius et Dominique Mézerette avec Christine Delaroche, Evelyne Grandjean, Marc Cassot, Patrick Guillemin, Raymond Loyer et Jean-Claude Montalban

Séries

Inspecteur Barnaby Saison 7, 21, 22, 20, 10

Les Femmes de paille - Le monstre du lac - Epouvantables épouvantails - Les Lions de Causton - La Randonnée de la mort - La monnaie de leur pièce - Le couperet de la justice - Les Sorcières d'Angel's Rise

Friends Saison 1, 2, 3

Celui qui déménage - Celui qui est perdu - Celui qui a un rôle - Celui avec George - Celui qui lave plus blanc - Celui qui est verni - Celui qui a du jus - Celui qui hallucine - Celui qui parle au ventre de sa femme - Celui qui singeait - Celui qui était comme les autres - Celui qui aimait les lasagnes - Celui qui fait des descentes dans les douches - Celui qui avait un cœur d'artichaut - Celui qui pète les plombs - Celui qui devient papa : 1re partie - Celui qui devient papa : 2e partie - Celui qui gagnait au poker - Celui qui a perdu son singe - Celui qui a un dentiste carié - Celui qui avait un singe - Celui qui rêve par procuration - Celui qui a failli rater l'accouchement - Celui qui fait craquer Rachel - Celui qui a une nouvelle fiancée - Celui qui détestait le lait maternel - Celui qui est mort dans l'appart du dessous - Celui qui avait viré de bord - Celui qui se faisait passer pour Bob - Celui qui a oublié un bébé dans le bus - Celui qui tombe des nues - Celui qui a été très maladroit - Celui qui cassait les radiateurs - Celui qui se dédouble - Celui qui n'apprécie pas certains mariages - Celui qui retrouve son singe : 1re partie - Celui qui retrouve son singe : 2e partie - Celui qui a failli aller au bal de promo - Celui qui a fait on ne sait quoi avec Rachel - Celui qui vit sa vie - Celui qui remplace celui qui part - Celui qui disparaît de la série - Celui qui ne voulait pas partir - Celui qui se met à parler - Celui qui affronte les voyous - Celui qui faisait le lien - Celui qui attrape la varicelle - Celui qui embrassait mal - Celui qui rêvait de la princesse Leia - Celui qui a du mal à se préparer - Celui qui avait la technique du câlin - Celui qui ne supportait pas les poupées - Celui qui bricolait - Celui qui se souvient - Celui qui était prof et élève - Celui qui avait pris un coup sur la tête - Celui pour qui le foot c'est pas le pied - Celui qui fait démissionner Rachel - Celui qui ne s'y retrouvait plus - Celui qui était très jaloux - Celui qui persiste et signe - Celui que les prothèses ne gênaient pas - Celui qui vivait mal la rupture - Celui qui a survécu au lendemain

Alexandra Ehle Saison 3

Sans visage

Coffre à Catch

#92 : Kane tombe dans un traquenard ! - #93 : The Brothers of Destruction à la ECW ! - #94 : Edge, Kofi, Shelton : Catch Attack représent !" - #95 : Tac Tac c'est l'anniversaire d'Ichtou ! (feat. David Jouan)

The Rookie Saison 4

Dénouement - Toc toc toc - Les trois quêtes - Tir à vue - Témoins à abattre - Un meurtre pour de vrai - Négociation - Traîtres - Simone - Enervo

The Crown Saison 5

Comme un déjà vu - Le système - Mou Mou - Annus horribilis - Des précautions salutaires - La Maison Ipatiev - No woman's land - Une vraie poudrière - Couple numéro 31 - Déclassement

Columbo Saison 4, 3

Inculpé de meurtre - Play Back - Candidat au crime

Affaires Sensibles

Leonarda, l'adolescente qui a défié le président

Meurtres au paradis

Le fantôme de Noël

Spectacles

Bénabar : tournée des indociles (2022) au Cirque d'Amiens

Alain Souchon au Dôme de Paris (2022)

The Glenn Miller Orchestra Live at the Avalon Theatre (2021)

L'orchestre fait son cinéma au Zénith de Pau (2013)

Livres

La vengeance du Chat de Phillipe Geluck

Nota Bene, Tome 5 : La Mythologie Grecque de Benjamin Brillaud, Mathieu Mariolle, Phil Castaza et Joël Odone

Détective Conan, Tome 3 de Gôshô Aoyama

Mémoires d'un gros mytho de François Rollin et Stéphane Trapier

OSS 117 : Gâchis à Karachi de Jean Bruce

Tatiana K. Tome 3 : Le stygmate de Longinus de François Corteggiani et Emanuele Barison

Le tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours de Jules Verne

Kaamelott Tome 9 : Les renforts maléfiques de Alexandre Astier et Steven Dupré

The Clash en BD de Jean-Philippe Gonot et Gaëts

Le Voyage du Père Noël des Editions Korrigan

Astérix Tome24 : Astérix chez les Belges de René Goscinny et Albert Uderzo

Lucky Luke Tome 56 : Le ranch maudit de Morris, Claude Guylouis et Michel Janvier

#mediatheque #décembre22

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narrativelysignificantturtleduck · 4 years

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lines from other media that fit bakoda:

'best friends since childhood...inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield" (captain america: the winter soldier)

"where do you estimate we belong?" "you? at his side, as if you've always been there and always will" (star trek: tos, the city on the edge of forever)

lines that are associated with popular slash couples:

these

#a bakoda winter soldier au could slap actually #they call him the winter soldier bc he's from the south pole #and brainwashing IS a thing in the atla universe #but that's beside the point #my point is that their dynamic is CLASSIC slash couple #atla #bakoda #hakoda #bato #nina's personal log

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aspoonofsugar · 4 years

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Hi...how are you? If you don't mind me asking who are your favorite siblings' relationship in anime/movies/tv series? Sorry if you've answered this question before......

Hello!

Here is my list in no particular order.

1) Nina and Johan (Monster)

Their relationship is very interesting and complicated and it basically deconstructs the bond between twins and the trope of the good twin and evil twin (which is what makes it acceptable for my friend @hamliet <3<3<3).

The two twins were never treated as children and as a result they developed an extremely frail sense of self and kind of a symbiotic relationship. In particular, Johan decided to become Nina’s coping mechanism, a sort of living Jungian Shadow of her. The result is a disaster and the two siblings ended up hurting each other.

Still, their recovery goes through uncovering their shared past and the past they do not share. It is a path of self-discovery and forgiveness.

2) Zuko and Azula (ATLA)

Theirs is a tragic bond. They are two abused children who turn into two troubled teenagers. They are pitted one against the other by their abuser and in the end they are not able to overcome how their upgringing has shaped their relationship (at least in the show proper).

They are also two different answers to abuse and even if just Zuko is able to change for the better, Azula is still shown empathy.

In particular, they have opposite problems when it comes to their feelings. Zuko’s feelings explode and this is why he lacks control of his fire. Azula instead represses all her feelings to have perfect control. However, in the end it is necessary to aknowledge one’s emotions and to face them to truly reach harmony.

3) Soren and Claudia (The Dragon Prince)

In my opinion, Soren and Claudia (together with their father Viren) are the two best written characters in the series (as for now) and the main reason I got invested in it.

Soren and Claudia’s bond is one of mutual affection and trust. However, it is being challenged by the toxic influence their father has on both. They both risk to lose themselves to the flaws they very clearly inherited from Viren. Moreover, their different reactions to their father’s spiral has created a rift between them.

I love how they are both shown at their best and at their lowest points because of that same trait that, if well balanced can save them. Soren risks to lose himself to the desire to prove he is a good royal guard. Still, later on is that same desire that leads him to make the right thing. Claudia is his inversion. She is shown doing the right thing out of love, but then she spirals for that same love.

Still, I think that in the end they will be there for each other.

4) Krel and Aja (Tales of Arcadia)

Krel and Aja’s arcs are powerful and complementary. They both start thinking they are meant to be what the other will become in the end.

Krel starts as more responsible towards his role as Prince and shows disdain and discrimination towards Earthlings.

Aja initially wants to run away from her role and enjoys her normal life on Earth.

However, by the end Krel is the one who discovers himself through his relationships on Earth, while Aja finds herself a queen.

It is this paralleled and inverted structure together with the siblings’ complementarity and the strong bond they share that make them such good protagonists.

5) Hargreeves siblings (The Umbrella Academy)

They are all disasters and this is why their family is the best.

I love how after years spent avoiding each other, they still very clearly love each other and see each other as family. Despite being already adults, they are all still children when the story begins and they need to face each other to heal and truly grow.

I also like how each sibling has their own well defined personality and how each bond is different.

Luther and Diego have a rivalry.

Allison is everyone’s big sis and Luther’s love interest.

Vanya is estranged from everyone, but she develops a strong bond with Allison and is shown to get along with Five.

Five adores all his siblings, but often does not care for their individual needs.

Klaus is loved, but also underestimated by the others and he shares a special bond with Ben.

All in all, the family dynamic is very well flashed out and I think this is why the show works so well.

6) Zoldyck siiblings (HxH)

I love love love the Zoldyck Family and I love how all the other four siblings clearly foil Killua aka one of the MC. His two older brothers are who Killua must not become (an assassin like Illumi or dependent and unable to leave home like Milluki). Kalluto and Alluka are instead who Killua needs to save from the family. At the same time, Alluka, Kalluto, Milluki and Illumi all foil each other or have the potential to do so. They are all pretty different people and their dynamics are dysfunctional, but also entertaining to watch.

7) Schneeblings (RWBY)

This trio’s dynamic might be less central to their series than the other examples. Still, they are all pretty flashed out and their interactions are funny to watch.

The Schnee siblings have all reacted differently to their abusive environment. Still, they all share a warm heart behind a cold exterior. It is telling that they all work together to save Atlas and it is telling they all break free from their abusive home life also because of the others.

Winter inspires Weiss to leave and Weiss inspires Whitley to use his power for good. They make a virtuous chain of sibling love.

8) Kirishima siblings (TG)

Ayato and Touka’s backstory is one of my favourite parts of TG. It is interesting to see how they both changed in ways that turned them into their antithesis, but that are also consistent with the personalities they show as small children.

It is heartbreaking to see how close they were as children and how much they have grown apart as teenagers. Still, their bond remains strong and they still clearly love each other. Touka used to protect Ayato as a child and Ayato is trying to protect Touka now that he has grown. Still, he goes at it in the worst way possible.

SPECIAL MENTION: The Gandor brothers (Claire included) from Baccano! I just love how surreal their interactions are!

Thank you for the ask!

#nina forner #johan liebert #azula #zuko #soren tdp #claudia tdp #krel tarron #aja tarron #hargreeves siblings #zoldyck family #schneeblings #ayato kirishima #touka kirishima #thanad-zid #asksfullofsugar #chain of faves #gandor brothers #claire stanfield

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lunaajade · 4 years

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Everything You Need to Know about “Shadow and Bone” on Netflix (*UPDATED: POSSIBLE LANGUAGE OF THORNS ADAPTATION INFO)

Since it’s recently been confirmed that we’d be getting S&B content in a few days (finally!), I thought I’d compile and summarize as much info as I could to refresh everyone’s memories! Please spread the word/share this post to those who aren’t up to date! (I’ve seen some people online who are worried about how it’s going to turn out, and I’d like to be able to hopefully reassure those people)

Now, there’s a LOT of stuff, so there’s always the chance I missed/forgot something. This post will be split up into categories based on type of info, so here we go! I went back and listened to/watched both of the big live streams (NYCC and the S&B Charity Competition), went on the Grishaverse Reddit, etc. to find as much (extra/bonus) stuff as I could. (If I missed anything/got something wrong, please feel free to leave a comment!)

Update: A lot of people have been asking where it was confirmed we were getting content soon. I found out from one of the update accounts I follow.

Thanks for reading, everyone!

General/Key Info About the Show

-This first season will be adapting both “Shadow and Bone” and what has been dubbed a “Book 0″ (most likely meaning prequel/backstory/set-up) for “Six of Crows” -In relation to the above point, the timelines are being brought together for the show. (Normally in the books, the two series are set two years apart)(We don’t know how exactly or what this means for the story, but I have a really interesting theory that I thought up in relation to this, message me if you’d like to hear it.) -Leigh acknowledges and understands that some of us have doubts and are worried about the show, but she has publicly assured us (numerous times) of how much she loves the show and cast, how well she thinks the crew/writers did in bringing the Grishaverse to life, etc. See a later point below in the Facts/Tidbits section -The first season will have 8, one-hour long episodes -Alina has been made half Shu (half Asian) for the show! Leigh stated that was decided on after she and Eric had a lengthy discussion on Alina’s character. -The main cast (as in confirmed to be in all episodes) is comprised of Jessie Mei Li (as Alina), Archie Renaux (as Mal), Ben Barnes (as the Darkling), Freddy Carter (as Kaz), Amita Suman (as Inej), and Kit Young (as Jesper) -Wylan and Nikolai are NOT in the first season. (Nikolai didn’t appear until the second book, and Leigh confirmed that at this point in the story, the Crows had not met Wylan yet.) -Other cast members include Danielle Galligan (as Nina), Calahan Skogman (as Matthias), Daisy Head (as Genya), Sujaya Dasgupta (as Zoya), Luke Pasqualino (as David), Julian Kostov (as Fedyor), Simon Sears (as Ivan), Zoe Wanamaker (as Baghra), and more! -The Darkling will also be called “General Kirigan” in the show. From what we know, The Darkling will be the “enemy” to Ravka (so in essence, General Kirigan is his alias/fake persona (what he’ll most likely be referred to for most of the show), and no one knows that he’s actually their enemy. (Meaning it’ll most likely a super big moment when they learn their general was actually the Darkling in disguise)). -The show was shot on location in Budapest, Hungary. (And additional filming took place this past fall in Vancouver) -In order, the 8 episodes are titled the following: “A Searing Burst of Light”, “We’re All Someone’s Monster”, “The Making at the Heart of the World”, “Otkazat’sya”, “Show Me Who You Are”, “The Heart is An Arrow”, “The Unsea”, & “No Mourners”.

Other (Fun) Facts/Tidbits About the Show

-Upon seeing Jessie’s audition, Leigh loved her audition/portrayal of Alina so much that she apparently stated that she wanted her to play Alina or she’d be out of the project. She was sent five auditions to watch, Jessie’s was the third, and she said she didn’t bother watching the rest of them. -Leigh stated that she and Eric Heisserer (the creator of the show) said they were on the same page from the first meeting. All other past meetings with producers and companies about possible adaptations had left her with a bad feeling, but she said they’d had the same ideas about inclusion, story, staff, etc. She said she’s loved the respect he’s shown towards the work (and, in a way, to us the fans) -Netflix apparently also has the rights to adapt “The Language of Thorns” , though we’ve gotten no info on that adaptation yet. (UPDATE: I just watched a Leigh Bardugo event from Feb 2019 (a few weeks after the show was first announced, I think): As of that day, she said that she thought that they were going to use LoT more for "texture” (IMO that might mean worldbuilding?) in the show. And I don’t know if she was talking about LoT specifically because she was very vague, but she said that there were certain things in the show that she thinks readers will be really excited about. Again, this was over a year ago, back when they were still in pre-production and stuff, so don’t take my word for it. Besides this, I couldn’t find anything else relating to a possible LoT adaptation. Maybe they’ll have the stories from LoT appear as actual folk tales told in the show, and that’s the “adaptation”? IDK. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpHnw8Ygw5c&t=1906s)) -Leigh is an exec. producer on the show! I’m no expert, so I don’t know how much say/power she had in the process, but she definitely had some. -There is a RAVKAN edition of the “Shadow and Bone” book that Leigh says makes a cameo in the show! -Jesper’s guns had custom etchings done on them by a Hungarian antique gunsmith! (And they were so good that Leigh and Eric said that it looked like it belonged in a museum--they were also described to be quite heavy!) -Eric Heisserer is the creator of the show, he is an award-winning writer, well known for “Arrival”, “Bird Box”, and more. (If I remember correctly, Leigh said that he’d reached out to her about making the show!) -A DeKappel painting (maybe the one owned by Van Eck?) was confirmed to be in the pilot episode. -Pekka Rollins and Tante Heleen have been confirmed to be in the first season, but their casting has (up to this point) not yet been revealed. -Bo Yul-Bayur is confirmed to be in the show! (Though Kuwei has not) -Leigh will have a cameo in (I think) Episode 5! She will be wearing a Materialki kefta and will be opening a door, if I remember correctly. -A lot of the crew was also extremely passionate about the project and fans of the books -The “Lives of Saints” book that was published in October is an actual book/prop that is appearing in the show! -I’m personally fine with Mal, but Leigh says that Archie is going to change everyone’s minds with his portrayal! -The costume designer for the show is Wendy Partridge, known for her work on “Thor: The Dark World”, “Pompeii”, and more! -The composer for the show is Joe Trapanese, known for composing for “The Greatest Showman”, “Straight Outta Compton”, “Lady and the Tramp”, and more! At the NYCC Grishaverse panel, they revealed a little bit of the score (”Grisha Theme”): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFxIEbsHKJA

Fun Cast/On Set Stories/Facts

-The cast all loves each other, and are all extremely passionate about this show, which is great! (Leigh said that on her second visit to the set, she heard them singing together) -Leigh says that Ben Barnes once snuck up behind her on her first day on set and scared her by whispering “Fine, make me your villain” -Freddy’s favorite Grishaverse book is “Six of Crows”, but most specifically the first line of chapter 2 (”Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason.”) -Jessie would apparently come to set on some of her days off to support the cast and crew! -Sujaya has stated that her favorite Grishaverse character is Nikolai! (#Zoyalai) -Freddy has become famous/popular with the fandom, one of the reasons being because he often comments on posts/live streams asking something along the lines of “What was it like working with Freddy Carter? xoxo” -Danielle loves Nina and her journey in “King of Scars” -According to a Tweet, Freddy and Leigh said that there had been a scene with “a very pesky gate”--Freddy said that it “wouldn’t be proper to tweet the expletives [he] used that day” and that he thinks he “scarred” Amita and Eric. -Amita’s favorite thing about Inej is her silence, and her favorite Grishaverse book is “Six of Crows” (as of May, where we learned this during a live-stream, she said she’s read it three times and listened to the audiobook twice.) -There was a waffle truck on set on the last day of shooting! -Calahan says that if he could play any other Grishaverse character, he’d want to play Nikolai! -While she did work with the trainer to get more physically fit, Amita learned most of her knife techniques by herself! -Leigh said she cried a lot while on set! (She said there was one scene they were shooting that she has a very clear, vivid memory of writing many years back--based on the context of which she was talking about it, if I had to guess, I’d guess she’s describing the Winter Fete.) -Leigh also said that on one of her first days on set, it was funny/weird to see all the extras in First Army uniforms chilling on their phones, drinking coffee, etc. -One of Calahan’s favorite character dynamics in the books is the dynamic between Kaz and Matthias -There was a moment where Amita was fully in costume and doing amazing, graceful knife work, only to trip and fall when she’d finished. -Amita and Jessie and Sujaya were best friends on set. -Sujaya loved everything about playing Zoya. (Especially her confidence) -Leigh says one of her favorite props was Kaz’s cane, especially because of what it meant to her and the story. -If he could be any Grisha order, Calahan says he’d want to be a Corporalki -Calahan loves Matthias’s journey/arc. -Kit’s favorite Grishaverse book is “Crooked Kingdom”!

Links

-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X65iI1YXrbU (NYCC Grishaverse Panel) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHou5rVs6o0 (S&B Talent Show Charity Live Stream ft. the S&B Cast!--the IG video got taken down because Archie deleted his IG account and switched to a new one) -https://www.netflix.com/title/80236319 (”Shadow and Bone” on Netflix!) -https://twitter.com/shadowandbone_ (Official “Shadow and Bone” Twitter!) -https://www.instagram.com/shadowandbone/?hl=en (Official “Shadow and Bone” Instagram!) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRh-Pmbynww (Annoucement made by cast when filming wrapped! (can be found on the social media accounts, but here’s a link to YT)) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bpY8uLtyB4 (A S&B Cast Crack video by HeartPhantom--it highlights a lot of the inside jokes and memes that we’ve gotten to witness among the cast, and also just generally shows off how hilariously chaotic everyone is (this cast is the definition of chaotic good, lol))

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firelxdykatara · 3 years

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kitty i can't wait for your thoughts of Shadow and Bone asdfasfaw

Ok well I just finished and I have so many fucking thoughts. Most good! Some, less so. Part of it may just be my bias because I’ve only read the Six of Crows duology and have little interest in actually reading the original trilogy, because I know how it ends and Leigh clearly hates me personally and doesn’t want me to be happy (/j), so I was already predisposed to be far more invested in the Crows and Darkling/Darklina segments (genuinely, the Mal/Malina scenes/storyline bored me to tears, and while I appreciate that the show went out of its way to change Mal’s character to make him much less of a toxic douchebag [I’ve read enough excerpts and explanations of his actions in the books to really loathe book!Malina], it isn’t enough to make me ship them when Darklina is right there), but I also don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the Crows absolutely stole the show.

It’s actually kind of funny, because I’d assumed they were only being so heavily marketed to hype the show up even more, since while there’s a lot of TGT/SoC fandom overlap they are also two fundamentally different genres and I’d wager there are a lot of people who are massive fans of one but not so enthused with the other, while remaining fairly insignificant to the overall plot. Turns out, they make up fully half of the show’s runtime (much to my delight). Which is part of what I think will help this series stand on its own, both as a book adaptation and simply as a fantasy TV series.

I’ll put more of my story-specific thoughts under a cut, so there’s lots of show spoilers to follow!

I know that a lot of early reviewers were saying that Alina’s motivations and storyline revolved too much around Mal, and that really held true for me. It made sense in the beginning--he was the only constant in her life, she was thrust into something new, terrifying, and completely unfamiliar, and they’d developed an unhealthy codependence as a coping mechanism for their childhoods and the traumas they faced, the lives they lead growing up in a war-torn country. But she started coming into her power, falling for the General--not just his power and charisma, but what she felt when she was with him. The way he helped her summon the sun, the way she felt free in a way she never had before.

Until it all went to shit--but the Darklina make-out scene in episode 5? Fucking iconic. Poetic fucking cinema. The way they were quite literally about to have sex on that wartable (and someone better write fic of that moment, what if they hadn’t gotten interrupted), and the General left, but then he ran back just to kiss her one more time... this is what OTPs are made of ok.

I think what really bothers me overall is that Alina ultimately lacked agency in her one storyline, pretty much the entire way through. She did make a few choices, but they were mostly incidental, and a lot of it was Alina desperately trying to get back to Mal rather than seizing her own power and destiny and running with it. The most prominent example is the end of episode 5--Alina is having happy make-outs and almost bones the General in his own war room, and then he leaves, and Baghra comes in and infodumps to her about how evil he is and how he’s only using her and she needs to escape.

I recognize that a lot of this is probably because that’s essentially what happened in the book and Leigh is an executive producer for the show so she has a lot of shot-calling power. However, I really think that even in the book this plotline would’ve been better-served by having Alina make these discoveries on her own.

For example, imagine that the letters which were used as framing devices for episodes 2 and 3 were vitally important to the plot, rather than being one-offs that are mentioned a few times but not really affecting much of anything. Alina begins to get suspicious when she doesn’t receive word from Mal, and she starts wondering if her letters are even reaching him--so she starts snooping. She finds ashes in the war room hearth, late at night,, and recognizes a fragment of Mal’s signature and larger piece of her own. She now knows that someone--possibly the General, but maybe that creepy priest guy, or someone else in the palace--is keeping her and Mal from contacting one another. So she starts snooping around even more. She asks the General leading questions, trying to figure out what the truth is of his intentions. She still feels this pull--this connection to him, and she hopes she’s wrong, but she’s not willing to just sit around and wait for the other shoe to drop.

The Winter Fete still happens, she still gets the hot make-out session with the General, and then when he’s called away, she snoops through his papers, looking for anything that can tell her the truth. She finds a hidden compartment filled with journals.

She reads about Aleksander’s past (and, incidentally, wasn’t that supposed to be a huge moment in the books, him revealing his true name to her in private? kinda wish it had been kept that way in the show but who knows where they’ll go with it in the future)--that leads to the flashbacks in episode 6. She feels for him, but she also reads further--she gets a firsthand look at his desire for power, something that began as a noble desire to save his people, but was twisted by a lust for vengeance (for his lost love and all the Grisha who were killed) and shot through with greed, the realization that if he found the Sun Summoner he could control the Fold, rather than just destroy it. He could create a new world where Grisha could live without fear--where Grisha could rule.

Alina is terrified. Whoever the General used to be--whatever humanity she saw flickering in his eyes, the way his heart fluttered when they kissed--she can’t trust that it’ll be enough to save her from plans centuries in the making. So she goes to Baghra, the woman who helped her discover her power, learn to channel it--the woman who always seemed to know much more than she ever let on. Baghra gives her side of the story--Alina got it from the General’s perspective first, now Baghra is telling her something framed much differently. She isn’t sure what or who to trust, but she knows that Baghra seems willing to help her escape--but rather than trusting her ‘loyal Grisha’, she makes the choice she made in the show, to choose the other path, and winds up with the Crows.

Idk how Mal and the Stag thing would fit into this (if it isn’t obvious by now, Mal just... doesn’t interest me), but Alina’s story and her character arc would be so much stronger for it. And she’s supposed to be the central character, so her story being weak and her agency so frequently being compromised ultimately hurts the show as a whole.

I know I’ve gone on and on about Alina and the Darkling (look, I’m a slut for enemies-to-lovers, and also lovers-to-enemies-and-back, so Darklina and Helnik are where so much of my investment is rooted--plus Kanej, but that almost goes without saying), but the true standouts of the series were the Crows. Inej, Kaz, and Jesper, and Nina and Matthias in their episodes, stole the show (along with the Darkling, Ben is far and away the best actor in the cast and I love that for him, but Freddy, Amita, and Kit are also amazing, and Danielle&Calahan were fucking phenomenal as Nina and Matthias--I do have to say, though, that the whole cast is really solid and has amazing chemistry).

They worked together so perfectly--Freddy and Amita communicated so much with their eyes alone, especially together, and a whole lot of their relationship dynamic is rooted in how they exist together, which really came through. The show altered the Crows timeline considerably (I’m pretty sure Kaz would’ve been 14 during the original trilogy lol), so Inej is still at the Menagerie, but things like Kaz putting up the Crow Club for Inej’s freedom, the way Kaz needed her but could never bring himself to say it (until the end of the season dklhfgdkjfgh i SCREAMED)--the way Jesper played off the both of them, and it’s so obvious they all love each other even though they’re criminals and thieves and murderers, and Kaz would never admit it (out loud--which actually feeds into my theory that his love language is acts of service; Kaz does things for the people he cares about, he never announces it and he will almost always try to downplay it, but the way you know he cares is if, for example, he puts his entire life, everything he built, up as collateral for your freedom), but they’re a family.

One thing that I was kind of iffy about was Inej’s refusal to kill--but I thought it might be something they were planning to work into her overall character arc, and they did. It was the one line she hadn’t crossed--in the books, I’d imagine that it took a while for Inej to wind up at that point, being willing to kill on top of everything else. So I actually like that they worked that into the Crows plotline, and Inej killing for the first time was to save Kaz’s life.

Just like Kaz’s first selfless act was to save her.

(He’d deny it, of course. He protects his investments. He needed her for the job. But the truth is, he did it for her. And he’d do it again. Even if he’d never admit it.)

Meanwhile, Nina and Matthias’ storyline was pretty much note-for-note according to their backstory as it was revealed in Six of Crows, and I loved every second of it. Their chemistry was perfect, their journey from enemies to begrudging allies to friends to maybe something more (Matthias’ stomach cockblocking them when they were about to kiss had me fucking SCREAMING AT THE TV, and then of course the whole ‘betraying him to save him’ thing happened and I sobbed), and then suddenly right back to enemies.

Because from Matthias’ perspective, he trusted a witch--believed in her, liked her, wanted her--and she turned on him. He has no idea that she wasn’t the one who knocked him out in the first place, and no reason to believe her, because as far as he knows, she just confirmed everything he’d ever been told about Grisha. That they are deceitful and treacherous, would turn on you as soon as look at you, that they are dangerous and not to be trusted. It wasn’t revealed in-show but I imagine Matthias’ backstory is largely the same, which means that his entire family was slaughtered by Grisha when he was a young boy, and then he was turned into a brainwashed child soldier by the witch hunters and never knew anything else.

They are perfectly primed for their SoC arc next season and I, for one, am so stoked to see the rest of their journey. And if I slip Netflix a couple twenties, maybe they’ll let Helnik have a happy ending please please please.

Anyway, yeah! I have a lot of thoughts but things are still percolating in my head so I’ll probably float around the tags for a bit and let things settle. This is just a preliminary overview of my thoughts in the immediate aftermath of bingeing the entire show in one night kldfjghdkjfhgkjgf

EDIT TO ADD: I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT ABOUT THE TRUE STAR OF THE SHOW, M I L O

MILO BEST BOY. MILO THE MVP. MILO DESERVES ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD AND I HOPE HE LIVES A HAPPY AND HEALTHY AND FULL LITTLE GOAT LIFE.

#shadow and bone #kanej #helnik #darklina #sab spoilers #alina starkov #the darkling #inej ghafa #kaz brekker #jesper fahey #malina salt #asked #cobraonthecob

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