#emotion and those are my main problems and root behind my desire for a new brain so just get rid of it

[nerdie-faerie]

Maybe I don't need a brain transplant, just lobotomise my frontal lobe

[rosaetae]

spellbound to be | one

☇ “I don’t need to drink your blood to have my lips on your neck.”

[this is a part of tale of the purebloods] — prologue / one / two 

➣  pairing: jungkook x reader

➣  genre: vampire!jungkook, fanatasy!au, soulmate!au, angst

➣ word count: 12.3k

➣  rating: pg-13

➣  synopsis: jeon jungkook is the cursed pureblood to have fallen in deep love with someone who was not his Complement. having to have fallen hard, he has to compensate with a life full of heartbreak and pain— one of which a burden weighs heavily on his shoulders. so much so, he hires a witch one day to reverse his inevitable Complement tie.

Bloodshed.

That is what derives from Witch Trial Week at Ember Academy— overly exaggerating, of course. A witch-made week established decades ago, the equivalence to Hell Week in the mundane world, but something your friend, Piper likes to call "Heaven Week" for her own musings.

Ember Academy's witches spend the week hexing, jinxing, cursing each other in the light of every October 31st, Halloween. There's no real motive behind it. Before, whoever was the last witch standing would be given special treatment, but in modern day, it was used as a tactic for the professors to oversee who would be a powerful witch, for some it was a mechanism to either get revenge or to let out one's anger. For you, it was always fun.

To your misfortune, you were at the short end of the stick, being clever and witty enough to be made part of Witch Trial Week, one of the notable witches that some would target, but unlike the rest of Ember Academy, you didn't grow up with the others. They all knew each other the day you stepped into the academy, looking and talking about you as if you were anything but one of them.

And it was true, you weren't fully one of them.

Growing up, you lived in the mundane world, surrounded by people who upheld no special abilities as those in the Upper World. Surely, you were no stranger to the realm of where your mother comes from, you coming home every day from primary school to your father, a human, and your mother, a full-fledged witch who gave up her immortality and her life in the Upper World for the sake of her Complement. You'd spend the day learning simple arithmetic, and after school, you'd come home to your mother teaching you simple, harmless charms.

It was a normal life growing up for you, your upbringing never straying too far from your roots. On some nights, your father put you to bed by telling you bedtime stories, on other nights, your mother would sing a lullaby of broken latin. You were convinced for awhile that it was your mother's soothing voice, but at a certain age when she stopped singing you to sleep, she exposed that it was a siren's song she learned from a friend in her hometown.

As a child, you'd constantly ask about the Upper World, having constant dreams about another worldly realm and a recurring figure holding their hand out for you. And the minute your finger grazes theirs, you awake. Not on your bed made of sea water and a ceiling made of glass, but in your normal New York apartment that had some crooked crevices on the ceiling, on your springy mattress with beige linen sheets. Although, despite your continuous desire to visit your mother's home world, your mother and father were very against world hopping.

However, due to your father's passing when you turned 14, there was no reason as to why your mother should keep you in the mundane world any longer if you didn't want to stay, and brought you to the Upper World of where your dreams of it had come to reality.

Entering Ember Academy, you could not fathom why your mother was so strict of you convincing yourself and everyone else around you that you are a full-fledged witch. And then you learn during one of the history classes that a hybrid witch that shares two worlds forbidden from each other was subjected to execution if entered the soil of the Upper World. You never understood why such a thing as your existence had such dire consequences, but that just made you more aware of your lies to everyone in the Upper World.

Your mother raised you believing that love shouldn't be forbidden, no matter the circumstances, even if that meant two different worlds. The mundane world was like that too. Star-crossed lovers consisting of Romeo and Juliet, Jack and Rose, Joel and Clementine, your own parents— they're all the epitome of what your mother likes to gush on and on about. And in hindsight, you are the product of it.

Due to your inability to grow up with the other witches, you had almost the entire academy against you for the past few years, especially on Witch Trial Week, only for this year to completely change that.

In the mundane world, sports like kickboxing was one of your favorites, and while there was no such thing as kickboxing in the Upper World, your main characteristic was that you like to play rough. A tug a war, a game of chess— this year, you were not holding back.

"Don't be so quick to be disappointed, Piper."

Piper, one of your only purely good friends at Ember Academy, watches you grind up dried lavender buds in a hard stone mortar and pestle, making a few grinds before running an index finger along an old page of your mother's book you took without her permission. She plops down onto her seat in front of you, her dark purple hair bouncing on her shoulders as she taps on her star glitters on her face. "It's Witch Trial Week, ___. That means I have to witch-proof all of my belongings because Rina and her damn fritter friends are going to pull a last year's move."

"Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad," you state, pouring the crushed up lavender into a glass bottle that had frog mucus and torn rose petals sitting inside about one fourth of the way. Piper doesn't question what you were up to, only continuing to voice out her frustrations.

"They cursed my assignments! You know how many extra credit assignments I had to do? 200 points gone because of this bloody witch-made week!"

Smirking, you peer up at her before standing up from your seat to grab a large jar of purple dragon drool on a shelf right behind you, before sitting back down, "calm down, I have plotted the perfect revenge."

"What?" Piper raises an eyebrow, her facial expression looking concerned. "Is that dragon drool?"

Opening up the jar, Piper makes a sour face when the aroma of a putrid, green whiff draws out of the jar, you having to stifle in a cough at the stench that made no warning traveling up your sinuses. Bringing your index finger and thumb to pinch your nose, you grab the small wooden serving spoon attached to the side of it and put two heeping spoonfuls of the dragon drool into your concoction before swiftly shutting the jar and finally being able to breathe again.

Piper lets out an exhale she's been holding in, staring at you with wide eyes, waiting for an answer that you were sort of stalling as you rip up a piece of paper. "I borrowed my mother's infamous dark magic book."

She gulps at the sound of that. "Dark magic?"

"Calm down, it's not that bad," you roll your eyes at her fear of using an area of magic that you were technically not supposed to touch upon— but you couldn't help it. It's dark magic, it's bound to be used somehow. "Just going to tease around with Rina's emotions a bit. We all know she's been trying to hit on Namjoon despite her Complement is Doyeon. I'm making a simple love potion for Namjoon to fall in love with Rina— only for the week though. She'll be a bit heartbroken at the end, but hey, she stained my uniform with troll's blood last year."

Jung Rina, daughter of Ember Academy's high priestess, who also adapts an attitude problem. She likes to taunt other witches from afar because of the power she gains from being the high priestess's daughter, cursing and jinxing others and acting as if it wasn't her— she gets away with it anyways. Unsure why, even when you do mind your own business, it's as if Rina has something against you— you confirmed this when even after Witch Trial Week, she wouldn't stop jinxing you.

Last year, she took your uniform while you were showering after with a game of shuntbumps, only to wear a uniform stained with a bright yellow color leaving a horrendous, pungent smell of troll's blood. It was one of the most talked about trick for the year, everyone bringing up the fact that Ms. Jung Rina was able to get her hands on troll's blood and use you as a target. A laughing stock, the black sheep— you've endured it for long enough.

"You're using dark magic! On the high priestess's daughter! That's—"

"Risky? I could care less." You finish for her, shrugging. You write down the template for the love spell that was written in high level latin, writing it carefully letter by letter. As your quill inks the paper, you look at a sweating Piper momentarily. "Stop worrying! If anything, you're guilty by association."

Piper places her hands over eyes and sighs. "I did not see anything."

"No, you didn't," you muse along with her as you place your quill back into its holder and roll up the paper into a thin tube, tapping it into the bottle that finishes up the spell. You watch as the dragon's drool acidifies the paper, already acidifying the rose petals, ground lavender buds, and frog's mucus prior, all in all creating a lilac hue in the glass bottle. "See? It's done. Now I just need to pour this into his cup of juniper latte when we go to potions."

"Huh," Piper says aloud. "That's sneaky."

Clicking your tongue at her, you slam the dark magic book closed, quickly shoving it into your tote bag while you plug the glass bottle with a cork, gently placing it along with the magic book.

"May the games begin," you whisper audibly only for Piper to let out another sigh of disappointment, but also in anticipation.

Everything was going smoothly. Going to class was like a mission, having to make sure that you don't mindlessly enter a trap, but as you sit down in your seat, in the sight of Professor Young of where safe base was, you just had to get through this class without being suspicious. Despite all else, everything was smooth sailing. Even pouring the potion into Namjoon's juniper latte when he wasn't paying attention was easy. And you noticed that no one has caught you— yet.

In a whirl of lingering moments, the grace period, you were sat in your seat, reading your potions book when you hear an abrupt sound, you and almost everyone in the class looking up to see Namjoon, his told figure looming over the other students with eyes wide as day.

He makes one audible noise, "Rina," before dashing out of the potion room in a coarse and gawky manner, Professor Young calling after him while the rest of the class took it to their own accord to follow him, already presuming that something only Witch Trial Week can influence. Eventually, all classes grew curious of the commotion that people trickle into the crowd as they follow in a hearty distance from Namjoon's graceless gait.

You pull Piper to the side when you see Namjoon approach his and your target, standing from one of the many columns of the area to get a good look given by the angle you were given. Piper couldn't help but to let out an amused giggle when you both see the moment unfold in front of your eyes.

"Namjoon?" Rina speaks, her cheeks going red when she sees Namjoon on his knees, head down. You almost snort at how her eyes go wide when she finds her biggest crush right in front of her, thinking this was out of his own willingness— Namjoon actually being in love with Rina. "Namjoon, what are you doing?"

"I love you!"

The loud announcement rings and echoes in waves down the hallway, you and Piper already having a hard time stifling your laughter at the confession. Rina gulps before she lets out a scoff in disbelief, a smile creeping on her face as if this was a moment she was expecting. Her cockiness makes you want to gag.

"I love you with all my heart, Rina! I want to stay by your side forever!"

Whispers upon whispers dissipate into the air, one of concern, one of cheer for Rina, and one of straight amusement.

Rina raises her eyebrows, clearing her throat. "Namjoon."

"Please, keep me in your life," Namjoon states, almost like a whimper. In that moment, he peers up at Rina with huge bug eyes, as if he was really begging. The anticipation stabs at you like daggers as Rina continues to stare at him in both awe and confusion by the sudden confession. "Master."

The last word leaves his mouth almost like a mutter, and you were for sure, for a mere second, that you misheard him— everyone did, until you're finding Namjoon leap from his stance into Rina's arms, immediately peppering her with kisses on her cheeks, causing her to stumble backwards. The murmurs amongst the crowd grow, following with a few giggles as Rina is trying to push Namjoon away, trying to hold in her giggles.

"Namjoon," Rina says through fits of giggles as she brings her hands up to his chest, trying to keep some distance between them. "Namjoon, not—"

The words are taken out of her mouth when Namjoon, shamelessly and giddily swipes his entire tongue along her cheek, earning a large gasp from the crowd. It leaves not only you in shock, but as well as Rina who entirely freezes in realization of the contact that was just made. Your mouth hangs open, until you roll your lips inward, trying so very hard not to break into a fit of laughter.

"Wrong spell, you hobworm!" Piper whisper yells, slapping a hand on your arm as you let a snigger out, looking at your friend with amusement, wondering why she wasn't finding this just as funny as you did.

"Hobworm?" You gasp at her insult, your amusement unabashedly shining through.

Piper scowls at you, biting her tongue to prevent from encouraging you further into amusement. "You cast the wrong spell!"

As your smile grows, you shake your head. "No, I swear I didn't. I did everything correctly—"

"Then why on earth is Namjoon under a puppy love spell?"

Glancing your eyes at Rina, you hear whispers among the crowd who watch as she tries to push a puppy in love Namjoon away from her. He whines and whimpers each time she makes the distance greater between them.

"Who did this!" Rina exclaims, trying to push a licking Namjoon away from her. "Who in the heavens thought this was funny? I will be reporting this to my mother and every little squeamish fritter that allowed this to happen— no, Namjoon, bad dog!"

This allows you to snort, all your laughter you were containing bursting out as you couldn't hold it in anymore. However, doing so only allows Rina to make direct eye contact with you, her face twisting in volatile spite, knowing very well that you are the culprit. Widening your eyes, you began to run before your mind processed it.

"___!" Rina screeches from the tops of her lungs, everyone in front of you turning heads to find you, the witch who dared to pull a little stunt against the High Priestess's daughter.

Legs stride step by step, zooming through the halls with adrenaline pumping your veins as the wretched witch was probably right behind you, chasing you down when you hear the sounds of heels, knowing very well that's Rina's 3-inch heeled mules clacking in the distance. Professors peek their head out of their classroom in curiosity, some yelling at you to not run in the halls, however, your eye is set on the prize— the exit.

It was closed, and to save time, you swipe your hand in front of you, a spell recited in your head swinging the door wide open that it hits the walls and causes a loud slamming noise. It was the door that led out to the garden of the academy of where fresh herbs grew, and at this point of your escape plan, you were hoping to hide in the depths of the greenhouse until class ended.

You run down the steps, eyes looking down as your feet land on each step, careful not to miss one or you'd fall down to your doom. And just when you safely made it down the staircase, you are bumped into a wall of rigid flesh and muscle, your immediate reaction to apologize, except the words are taken out of your mouth when you look up and see the face on all pictures and drawings matching to the person who looked just as mesmerizing in person as he is on paper; the one and only—

"Your grace," Jungkook hears you sputter, shutting your eyes and lowering your head to hide your own embarrassment and disappointment in such a quick second. His men behind him step forward, but he raises a hand to halt them in their place. "My sincere apologies—"

"Do you have no mind?" Jungkook hears the secretary who was leading him on a tour around Ember Academy snap, her booming and high-pitched screech at the sheer shame that has been exchanged by this incident.

"I am so incredibly sorry, your grace. I am at fault—"

The king himself is not at all bothered by a simple bump by a young witch, considering that it seemed you were on the run from something. He glances down at you in subtle curiosity, your head bowed before him with your hair braided, as you stand still despite the constant nagging of the secretary scolding you for being so unaware. And something catches his eye.

His eyes focus in on the crystal of pale, fair, ivory that hangs on your neck. It twinkles in his sight with the sunlight just bouncing off of it into his cornea, right before he settles in recognition of where he recalls it. There's a swift movement moments later of where you raise your head just slight, only to lock eyes with him.

How you've grown, he thinks to himself. He remembers how your eyes were that of similar of a doe, and how you stared at him with the same wide eyes when you were little. It scares him how much time has passed and how you stand before him, more matured than before— he wasn't expecting to see you this soon.

The locked gaze lasted briefly before your eyes widen and you bring your head back down.

He manages to let out a sigh, "I suggest you pay attention where you are going in the future."

Jungkook can tell that you were surprised by his response, despite you committing the worst crime by even daring to be this close to the king. Even the secretary was a distance away from him.

"Yes, your grace."

"You may look up," he speaks. The permission makes you hesitate, but swallowing the lump in your throat, you inhale deeply and rise, and when you steadily meet his eyes, immediately, it's as if you could see his past. The pain and sorrow he has been through. It all encompasses into the hallows of his eyes.

"What is your name?" You blink at the question blankly as he awaits your answer, arching an eyebrow when you stay mute. "Well?"

"___," you answer. "My name is ___, your grace."

There's this glint in Jungkook's eye that even he is aware that you notice. It occurs to him that he has not once asked your name before, but somehow he finds it this moment valuable to gain that piece of you. Meanwhile, you hope he does not find any significance to your name, that this incident isn't one to be held against one day.

It's then, he smirks, giving a single nod, etching your name into his brain for he knows he will not forget it. 

"Your name will be in my memory, ___," he speaks ominously. Your heart drops in return. "You are dismissed."

six years later.

"Welcome."

The books weighed heavy in your arms, but you ignored the fact that it was nearly slipping out of your grasp as you gripped on the jar of dried magnolia leaves in the other hand, making your way to the small work table just right out into the shop of where you greet the presence inside the shop. Taking one last step to your marked destination, you let out a sigh of relief, your shoulders relaxing as you plop all of the buttery books onto the work table, still keeping the jar of magnolia leaves in your grasp.

"Is Circe here?"

At first, the voice processes in your mind, realizing that you were so engrossed on completing a minor trip without making a fool of yourself and dropping all your books at once that you forget for a mere moment that someone was in the shop. And what makes your whole body freeze like the ice age of modern day was the name you haven't heard in so long— only when your father would let it tumble out of his mouth and him being the last one to ever speak of the name.

The aura shifted within the shop. Not daring to turn around and meet eye to eye with the person who knows your mother's real identity, you keep your back turned away, placing the jar gently onto the table right next to your books, a pinky setting down first before gently setting down the bottom of the jar to relieve the loud sound it would have made.

"Who's asking?"

There's a moment of hesitation, one that you can only take in as sly and mischievous. Silently, you maintain a mantra in your head, one that recites a spell to freeze one's muscles entirely, the silence teeter totter between having to put the spell to use or not. The sound of a step is heard— one that sounds too close for your liking that in a whirlwind, you swiftly twirl around and let the mantra come to life in an instant, "carpe musculus."

And with wide eyes, you realize your mistake immediately when eyes lock with the ones that belong to the sheer ruler of the property you stand on— the king. It wasn't hard to forget them, since the last time you two had a rather unpleasant encounter. His eyebrow quirks up at your spell you casted upon him, his body completely frozen over as he was in the midst of grabbing one of the crystal necklaces hung on display at the register, an arm outstretched, but posture and dignified stature remained.

"An old acquaintance."

"Verto," you mutter, blinking with the same wide eyes as you see him gain control over his muscles again, his hand retracting and meeting his other hand from the behind, his throat clearing at the situation that he assumed— correctly— that you were fearful of. Bringing your head down instinctively, you open your mouth with eyes shut. "Your grace, I apologize—"

"Apology accepted," he cuts you off, making you peer up at his form from the curtains of your draping hair. Slowly, you rise your head, keeping your chin up to match his formal, dignified persona. "I am merely here to see your mother."

Scoffing lightly, you let your lips curl upward, turning around to grab at the jar of dried magnolia leaves from the table. "You must be an old acquaintance to call my mother by her real name," you take note aloud, wandering and maneuvering around the vast shop to the corner near the front of where the jars of special ingredients sit in the cupboards.

"Is Circe not what she goes by?"

You shake your head, opening the jar with one of the keys wrapped around your neck, twisting and turning before the cupboard unraveled a collection started by your mother. "Cora," you correct him. "She went by Cora."

"Very well then. Is Cora present?"

You blink at the question, mindlessly nudging the other jars to make room for your new ingredient you've obtained from the village due to a friendly seller who saved the leaves just for you.

"You just missed her," you announce, placing the jar snugly just between the phoenix feathers and pickled frog tongues. "By three years. She passed away."

"She passed?" The king speaks his question in subtle shock, evidently oblivious to your mother's passing, one that makes you question what connection he had to your mother as you turn around to meet his wide eyes. Politely, he realizes the atmosphere that was created and clears his throat. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"I'm sorry for yours," you try to keep the the spirits high, a teasing smile on your lips. "It seems like whatever reason you came here for was pretty important if the king is in need of my mother's services. And in replacement of my mother's absence, how may I assist you?"

In comparison to the young witch that was so invigorated with competition that you grew blind to your own surroundings, you were not like her to easily cower in front of intimidating figures— including the king— anymore. If she saw you now, she'd probably wonder why you are so nonchalant speaking to the king as you are in the moment, but there is one thing you noticed that allowed you to act the way that you are now.

He came into the shop looking for your mother, seeking for her services. Though he has the power to put you into exile or to chop your head off or to even rip your heart out of your chest, it means nothing when he is obviously wanting a favor.

Jungkook's eyes narrow slightly before he scoffs lightly. "Not quite sure if you can help me."

"I'm not that sure either," you muse. "But I am the next option to my mother's assistance. Or if you have no interest of my assistance, then I believe this shop is not meant for you, your grace."

It wasn't hard to notice that he was having an internal battle the minute you turned the other cheek to resume what you were doing. Shutting the cabinet and locking it, you wander to the back of the room of where the work table was, taking the top book of the stack and dusting it with one of your mini feather dusters.

"What do you know about Complements?"

Freezing your wrist, you take a second to process the question set in the air, your eyebrows furrowing. Setting the duster and the ancient novel down, you twirl around once more to meet the eyes of the distant king, each second becoming more comfortable under his gaze that seemingly brought temptation and fear amongst others.

"Depends. I'm not very interested in the topic enough to know the ins and outs of it. However, I do know how to expose a Compliment tie—"

"What about erasing a Complement tie?"

An eyebrow shoots up on your face, his questions becoming more questionable from your mere curious uprising, but as you let his inquiry sit in your mind, you shrug. "Never been done."

His grace scoffs, allowing the pad of his thumb swipe under his nose before returning to hold his hand from his behind. "That's what your mother said."

"And I'm afraid, to this day, her word remains true," retorting to his attitude, you fold your arms over your chest. "However, I can unknot a Complement tie if needed."

"Your mother has already done that."

"Of course she has," you roll your eyes, realizing that the more you talk to the king of Frawen, the more you realize that you were talking to a wall. "How about this? I will do some digging about it in her archives. She has mentioned before that terminating a Compliment tie is hard. However, I do believe it's not impossible." He stares at you attentively before you placate his energy with a smile, a little light of hope intended. "I will come by your castle once I've retrieved a decent amount of information."

He stays silent, a steady gaze on your eyes that slowly made you more uncomfortable with each passing second, but thank the dark lords that someone enters your shop, the door making a very loud entrance that ruined the staring contest between you two, your eyes averting to the customer who entered the premises.

"Welcome," you announce, strolling from the work table up to the front to sit right behind the register, flickering your eyes towards the king when seeing that he hasn't moved from his spot. "Until then, King Jungkook, I have a customer to attend to."

The customer that saved the awkward tension takes a step into the shop, but with a single glance headed their way from the king, the customer drops their head and mutters an, "I'll wait outside" and flees back into the Upper World sun, the door shutting again. Lips parting, you gape at Jungkook who looks back at you, ignoring that his own presence had made one of your customers scurry off in intimidation.

"When will I hear from you again?"

Scoffing at him, you shake your head at his evident advantage and inhale deeply. "I'll start doing some research tonight, your grace. Expect me in front of your castle in two days. And if you could kindly so, can you tell my customer they may come in on your way out?"

He lets his gaze linger on yours for a second before silently nodding on his way out, his presence exchanged for the customer's. The customer glances at you awkwardly as you count write something on a piece of paper with your quill, as if confused that you were not trembling after just speaking with the king, but going back to your normal day as if the king had never arrived.

"Why, King Jungkook came to visit. Quite sooner than I expected," the amused tone that drips from Circe's tongue when she notices the arrival of none other than the King of Frawen just two weeks after he had gone up and left her abode after the reveal of his dreaded Complement tie.

"Came to greet a happy birthday to her?" The witch doesn't meet his brooding gaze, but gathers bouquets of flowers in her hold.

"No," he flatly states. "I still have a favor to ask of you."

"Ah," Circe nods, balancing the bouquet carefully before tossing her aging hair over her shoulder. "The one about your Complement? You left so quick the last time we spoke."

Jungkook clenches his jaw, an attempt to not forget that his own fear and apprehension after making the forsaken revelation that he had met his Complement so soon; a child— a hybrid, a product against the Upper World law— is his Complement. Curse himself for being so easily affected.

And while the two have known each other for awhile, Circe wastes no time to remind him of inevitable fate, despite her own idea of the past he carries. It weighs on him heavily that even Circe cannot recognize the aura of whom she once knew of.

"Yes," he inhales sharply. "I need you to erase it."

Circe bellows a light chuckle, one that makes his eyebrows raise at the response. "Are you insinuating I kill my daughter?"

Jungkook knows that the witch likes to dig in places to prevent the other party from kicking around the bush. She hates fluff and she hates time being wasted. Only now, giving up her eternal life only makes her that much crabbier about it.

"Do you believe that I'd be daft enough to try to imply such a thing?" He shakes his head, a slight smirk growing on his face. "Murder doesn't sit very well on my shoulders, Circe. You must at least know that much of me."

"Do I? It's been too long."

Jungkook smiles at the grinning witch, "I am insinuating you sever our Complement tie."

The witch in decorative forest green and black, stares at the king who wears a sack-colored cloak that did not do justice hiding his black, feathered doublet that resembled such royalty and wealth. Even with the hood on, it is no mistaking that the man with raven hair and pale, glimmering skin, is the king. She laughs, her finger tapping against the paper wrapped around the bouquet of plum-hued calla lilies. "I'm afraid I can only live up to your favor in part."

"The most powerful witch I know cannot cut a Complement tie?"

She is no stranger to his challenges, but because she has no need to maintain the name of being the infamous witch who wields such immense power no longer (as she knows that name will be given to someone much worthy), she merely shrugs, a smile on her face. "Not even I know how to cut a Complement tie, dearest Jungkook."

"Your lack of knowledge of erasing something as mere as a Complement tie is disconcerting, Circe."

The witch hums in response, before whispering something of broken latin, and with a waver of a her fingers, a string of deep scarlet attaches against Jungkook's chest, one that floats in the air and trails in a ragged line right over Circe's shoulder and through the wooden door of her home as if he were tied to something— to someone.

The unveiling of the string causes Jungkook's breath to be caught in his throat, a pinch of nothing like before right against his chest of where the string is attached to.

"I see that, despite your best efforts, you could not stray away from her. And you want to know why?" Circe turns over her shoulder, before pointing at the single evident knot made along the string. "This knot was formed when she touched you and so long as it is there, you will live in constant yearning to see her and to be with her. Tell me, how many times have you had to prevent yourself from coming here until it became too unbearable?"

"Can you reverse it? Untie the knot?" His breath is tattered, uneven. It's as if the exposure of the string wrapped every inch of his heart and silently, the king of Frawen fears that his heart might be taken out of his chest.

"I can," she nods, an expression of indifference on her face. "But doing so does not change the fact that you are each other's Complements. It means that you will no longer feel the constant and desperate need to see her."

"Then I beg of you to do it—"

"However, the bond is strong, Jungkook," her gold eyes stare back at him before they soften, as Jungkook's mental mantras to fight off the peculiar pain deriving from the scarlet string has become a door to all of the pains he has experienced in the past. "I fear that the more you leave it in the dark, the more it will create more conflicts in the future."

"Having this complement now is already creating conflicts for me, Circe."

"Jungkook, if you two were to see each other again by the universe's happenings, must you know that the knot cannot be made again by simple touches. It has to be tied by the hand of a witch."

"If it's not any burden to you," he breathes in sharply. "I'd like you to unknot our Complement tie."

Circe makes a face of indifference before sighing. "Very well," she states just before she mumbles another string of latin and snaps, and lo and behold, the knot unravels by itself. The scarlet rope looked like it had no indentation of where the knot once was.

Jungkook lets out an aching sigh, as if he was under water for too long. Circe makes one more movement of her hand before the red string dissipates into the air, no longer exposed to the eye.

"There," she says. "Now leave, before she sees you again."

Circe doesn't give Jungkook a look of goodbye as she hurries inside her house. She feels the presence of Jungkook leave, exhaling in relief as she peers down at her daughter who gleams up at her, her hair in two buns on either side of her head. Her daughter lets out a squeal of "mommy!" before dropping a sage bundle in her hand to run up and hug Circe's leg.

"Happy birthday, my dear. Six years old already?" The witch pats her daughter's head as she giggles against her. "Go on into the kitchen. I'll be there in a moment."

And as she turns around to trot inside the kitchen, Circe takes notice of her neck that has been exposed due to her hairstyle that she wanted to wear this morning. The etching of her Complement mark that once inked her skin of a rose, had become a blank canvas.

As if the mark was never there to begin with.

You haul across the other wing of the castle that stretches from the main entrance of where the gigantic black, grandiose door stares at you mockingly for not having the privilege to be invited by the king himself as well as enter the main entrance to unravel the glory of what stood for centuries.

Servants of the fairest skin and darkest of hairs escort you to the a room you are unsure of, but you don't question them when they open the doors for you of the building. This was as close you were ever getting to the castle.

"Your grace," you announce your arrival before you could realize that another man stands there from the side of your kingdom's king. Freezing in place with books tensing against your chest, your lips part. "King Jimin—!"

"Hello— oh, please. I don't like the bowing," his voice is light, a striking contrast from Jungkook's ominous tone. You lift your head that was on the way down of honorability, eyes staying wide at his unexpected presence. "Trust me, I'm not a big formalities type of person like my brother."

"What is it? Did you find anything?" The king ruins the moment by his barking, an impatience growing in his chest.

You open your mouth, and close it. "Yes, and no."

"Proceed."

Walking over to the table, Jimin smirks when he hears the loud plop that comes from your stacks of ancient books slapping on the table, dust sprinkles in the air by such impact as you wave it dismissively out of your face to spread out the books evenly.

"These are just merely collections my mother had of Complement ties laying out and about," you begin, grabbing hold of the green and gold accented leather bind novel of browning pages. "They all talk about the history of it, the perspectives of it, and some old spells that used to be done moderately back then, but have been taken out of a witch's curriculum in school. Oh, like this one goes on and on about the importance of it and why finding out who your Complement is before you meet them is deemed as bad luck. Like seeing the bride before the wedding, which actually originated from arranged marriages when— sorry, tangent. If I can just find the book..." As your voice trails, your eyes furrow in concentration to find the book amongst the pile you brought that would deem as very important.

Finally, you hold it up to and pat it, Jungkook raising an eyebrow and Jimin looking bemused at your inner workings being elicited through your rambles and tangents.

"This is where I stumbled upon something fruitful," you began. "It's a book that's anti-Complement. The author was actually a witch who thought his Complement was, and I quote, "vile and tremendously horrendous", so he composed this book that explains how to unknot the Complement tie."

"Nothing about cutting it?"

You smile as you open the book. "There's a whole chapter about it, but," as you flip open to it, the book in your hands bursts into bright blue flames illuminating your skin with a blue tint before it calms down, living proof that the book itself was cursed, either by the author or your mother's doing. "The book has been cursed and the most vital information you want means you're not the only one who is searching for a severance."

"Couldn't you just... cut it?" King Jimin chimes in and you shake your head.

"No, this witch said that cutting it would damage the blade and not the tie," you close the book to prevent the fire from getting anywhere. "The tie itself, when exposed, is simply a scarlet rope. Its material is very ethereal and even your finest sword cannot cut it in two."

"Brilliant," Jungkook says, defeatedly. He sucks in a deep breath before looking at you, eyes flickering up and down your form. "When will I hear from you again?"

Making a loud sound as you stack the books on top of each other, you look up at him and raise an eyebrow. "Again? You're expecting me to continue the search for an answer that I can't give you? This is all the information that I can gather from my mother's archive. I don't know what else you expect me to do."

"What the daughter of the most powerful witch of this kingdom can do, of course," he retorts, easily. It makes you scoff.

"I apologize, your grace, but I am not going through those extra lengths."

"For someone who adheres to formalities very often, you don't seem to be very intimidated by me. At least not enough to do what I say."

"Is your job as a king to be intimidating?"

It was that type of riposte that would have your head, an immediate escort to your death for even thinking that a cocky retort would come out of your mouth. If only if Jimin hadn't let out an amused snort, punishment would not have immediately be put off the table, but the irritation forming in the king's blood remains. He doesn't turn to his brother to hush him, but rather keeps a heavy stare at you, narrowed eyes into slits as a heavy warning— yet you stay grounded, raising an eyebrow at him.

"And you don't seem to know when to not speak your mind."

"With all due respect, King Jungkook, may I remind you I am here because you requested my services. I've given you what I can provide, free of charge. My mother has probably dealt with a customer who has wanted the same thing, and if the book was cursed, it's a heavy sign that it's not a wise path to follow."

King Jungkook inhales deeply, eyes staring at the hybrid who fears nothing under his gaze. He mentally curses to himself knowing very well that Circe was the most probable culprit of cursing her own books, for the sole reason of not wanting him to get his hands on vital information that would separate a Complement tie attached to her own daughter. Sighing, he makes a dismissive nod towards you, a finger tapping on his arm chair repeatedly. "Very well. Dismissed."

And without a word, you gather your things and leave, the same men escorting you away from the castle and the inconsiderate king.

Once your presence no longer lingered, Jungkook sinks down into his chair, letting his head fall against the fist of his arm that propped it up. Jimin clicks his tongue beside him.

"Now tell that was not who I thought that was," Jimin sings once the door had fully shut closed and it was just Jungkook and his brother of the neighboring kingdom.

"Your instincts are spot on, brother," Jungkook says with heavy sarcasm, shaking his head.

Jimin heartily laughs. "It doesn't take a Merlin to see that she's your Complement. It's quite obvious."

"Care to go more in depth?"

"Other than the fact that she's the only outsider you granted a visit at your castle, you're not so quick to throw her out either," he begins before tapping his finger on the table. "You also don't like looking her in the eye. You get tense when you do. Either you fear her or you fear getting close to her."

Jungkook raises an eyebrow in surprise at his brother's quick observation— it must be all the times he's observing human behavior in the mortal world.

"She's mentioned that her books derive from her mother's archives— is her mother...?"

"Her mother was the one that undid our Complement knot."

"Her mother was the infamous Circe, then?" Jimin marvels with his signature taunting smirk on his face. "Well, I'll be damned."

"You already are," Jungkook rolls his eyes.

"Your Complement is a hybrid— and not just a hybrid, Circe's daughter?" Jungkook didn't like that his own brother kept reminding him of who his Complement was, thus encouraging the fire of searching for a severance. "Despite the fact that she holds tremendous power, she seems very promising. You're not fond of her?"

"Jimin, you know—"

"Right, pardon me. You don't want her," Jimin inhales deeply, nodding.

"Jimin," Jungkook begins once again. "I can't have her as my Complement. I need her to find a spell to wither our tie."

"Is there another reason why you need to find such spell other than you're dreading that she's bound to you?"

"So that she could find real love and romance. She will not find it with me."

There was an unreadable look in Jimin's face that even his own brother could not decipher. It lingers for a moment before he makes the executive decision to stand up from the seat, knocking on the table with his pale knuckles. "I'm heading back to Merosa. May I make the suggestion that you take her to Sagewood?"

"Sagewood? Why in the heavens would I take her there?"

"If you want to cut the tie so badly, then I think it wouldn't be a very shabby place to start, no? After all, she only has access to such limited information— you're not being much help either. Besides, you both will most likely find something valuable there."

It was pruning day.

The plants you planted outside your windowsill in its respected pots looked green as ever, with some minor flaws sticking out. You walk outside with shears in hand, identifying the buds you'd snip off with love. You enjoy taking care of your plants, the only common denominator between this world and the mundane world that gave you a sense of normality.

Humming an old folk tune from the mundane world, you admire your plants, recalling that some of these plants were the ones your mother would plant back in the mundane world. As you snip off one of your greenery, you hear the faint sounds of neighs from afar, halting in front of your shop and creating audible commotion behind your back. You overhear your neighbors rush out of their respected buildings, having you grow curious by the second.

Raising an eyebrow, you turn around to find nothing but the king hopping off his trusty steed of ebony glory with a luscious mane, planting his feet flat onto the ground with ease while two other men follow his lead, staying a hearty distance from him. He meets your eyes immediately, ignoring that everyone around him are caught in a trance by his sudden appearance in the town.

"King Jungkook," you marvel with a smirk, ignoring the fact that your neighbors were staring in mixed awe and fear. "What a lovely surprise."

He approaches you, stepping onto the gravel, expressionless. "I request your stay at my castle."

The words don't process fast enough in your mind, a blank expression being your response, but even then, you couldn't help but to laugh, but it came out more like a baffled scoff. "I beg your pardon?"

"To make use of the castle's library," he fills in, a smirk painting his face. "We, too, have an archive for all things your curious, knowledgable mind may want to see. Thousands of collections over the centuries, compilations from notable figures. I'm giving you access to that information in search of the severance."

You gape at him, lowering your shears. The king takes this action with positivity as his smirk only grows for a second before he's back to his emotionless expression.

"I will have my men come by to escort you to the castle tomorrow morning at nine-hundred. Pack your things," he says with no confirmation from you. His passive command makes you blink while you watch him turn his shoulder.

Amidst his turn to head back to his source of transportation and the other men who stand in front of your property, you stop him, "really? And when have I agreed?"

His body comes to a full stop just a hearty amount of distance from you. "And you wouldn't?" He calmly states aloud. In a moment, he's turning his body back to completely face you, cocking his head slight. "Tell me, you're not at all curious about how to cut a Complement tie?"

"Why would I? I have no intention of doing so."

"So you'd want to stay bound to one person your whole life? When you meet your Complement, you want to be so attached to the point that being even just miles away from them tears you apart? Every second you do not see them is as if your heart is being shredded apart in layers. Finding out who your Complement is only ruins you in a way that is a hell disguised as a heaven," he says as if it were straight spitfire. There was remorse and dread in his voice that even you cannot decipher completely— as if the pain that courses through his vein is truly authentic.

"In the mundane world, it's different, no? Humans fall in love with who they want, when they want. Did you ever compare that to the Upper World where it is frowned upon to not be with your Complement?"

"They differ, yes," you say through gritted teeth.

"Are you not so curious as to how to sever the tie? To at least be one of the first witches in centuries to hold great knowledge of a severance? That maybe you would one day change your intentions to cut your tie?"

You stay silent, placing your shears down as you stare at him attentively. Sure, you were curious, but your curiosity grew more prevalent seeing how the king was doing so much as to using a rhetoric tactic to ease your answer into a yes. And oddly enough, it was working.

"Besides... free stay, breakfast— in the castle? Surrounded by all things good and gold?"

Letting out a scoff, you narrow your eyes at him. "Is that your way of paying me for my services? A bed and breakfast at the castle? A week to pretend I'm royalty?" Challenge dripped from your tone evidently, but while the others around you and nearly the whole kingdom all feared the king's presence, you didn't share the same feeling. After all, this was the king asking for your services.

And suddenly, his expression changes, one of seriousness turned into dry amusement as he lets out a deep laugh bellowing from his stomach. "No, I'm offended that you may think I'm that cheap," he states as you raise an eyebrow, stabbing your shears, sharp point down into the window sill just right behind your plants. "I may have taken advantage of your services before, forgetting my place as a client to you. For that, I apologize sincerely. I am offering pounds of gold to you in exchange that you continue your search to cut a tie."

"Pounds of gold?"

"I notice that you live in your shop," he speaks of apparentness, making your cheeks go red as he turns his gaze to look at the shop behind you, a place you vaguely remember growing up in. "After your mother died, you decided to turn your home into a shop? Selling your services?" In that moment, you freeze only slight, caught off guard by how easily he put two and two together, you merely forgetting that he was an "acquaintance" with your mother— of course, he knew of this property before you probably were born.

"If the pounds of gold are not enough, I would be glad to make your stay at the castle permanent after you've found the severance."

You raise your eyebrows at his offer, never missing the way his lips quirked upwards for a ghostly second when he sees he's appealing you in the right direction.

"A permanent stay at your castle? As what? Your mistress? A maid?"

He chuckles and shakes his head. "Of course not. Your mother would find a way to resurrect herself to rid of my existence if she found out that I made you, her daughter, a mistress. Let alone a maid."

"You will be staying at my castle free of charge. And while I know this shop has been dear to your mother— dear to you, I am also willing to put a new location in the center of Sapphire Hill for your services on the table. Closer to the castle and in the heart of Frawen. That is, only if you have a mind to accept my proposal."

Inhaling sharply, you both stare at each other in silence as your mind juggles and he patiently awaits your answer, his body still as a stone, probably cold as one too. There was no other ulterior option to choose from— after all, why would you decline such a proposal? You were just as curious about the severance as he was, wondering why your mother never wanted to stray close to that path and why she has never mentioned about it before. And perhaps, you too could also cut your tie before you ever get to find your Complement if you ever came down to it.

However, despite his generous offers for a mere severance, there was a deep feeling in your stomach that didn't sit very well with you, one that was silently yearning you to not accept. It felt alarmingly unnatural. Just as unnatural as interacting with the king up close three times in a month.

"Alright," you sigh, defeatedly, grabbing your shears from the wood and returning to pruning day. "You've appealed to me."

"Wonderful," he acknowledges, a single celebratory nod coming your way before he turns around to head back on his steed. "I will have people to escort you tomorrow. Nine-hundred."  

"Quite a castle," you announce, eyes boggling at the interior design of the castle you never thought you'd see in person. Hell, you didn't think you'd ever get to see it closer than it being on top of the hill until just previously.

The halls were a fair color accented with alluring gold, intricate designs resembling a brush stroke, as if the gold were painted free-handedly, yet a symmetry being maintained. Crimson rugs, drapes, furniture dabble the expense of the hallway itself, and ebony statues and sculptures stare back at you broodingly. Two broad statues of fairies introduce you on either side of the entrance, facing each other with conch shells held to their mouths.

Selene purrs in your arms, probably just as dazzled at the structure as you are. "I know, baby, I know," you mutter under your breath as your pace slows along the red carpet.

"___." The voice announcing your name echoes throughout the vast hallway, pulling you out of your thoughts and daydreams as you peer towards the grandiose staircase ahead, finding a familiar figure in red with accenting white tassels walk down the steps, slowly and gracefully.

Selene suddenly paws out of your grasp to be let go of, you lowering her down to the floor carefully as you know that she likes to roam around new and foreign areas by herself.

"Your grace," you acknowledge, pacing towards him to meet him in the middle, eyes watching Selene trot along the scarlet carpet just in front of you, only to realize that she made her independent way to the king. You arch an eyebrow when Jungkook stops his footing altogether, both of you noticing Selene taking a liking into him, purring against his leg and her tail curling around his calf, making elegant circles around him in adoration. "I see Selene likes you."

Jungkook coughs before removing his eyes from the feline to meet yours. "You have a cat."

"I do," you nod. "Is she not allowed in the castle?"

"I'll make the exception," Jungkook swallows as Selene rubs her cheek against his leg. You mentally thank Selene for kissing his arse, knowing that Jungkook might have gone soft for your feline friend immediately and discarded the direct thought of kicking her out.

"I was given her a couple years back."

"Were you?"

You hum in response. "Given to me as a gift for my birthday. I named her after selenite, one of my favorite crystals."

"As long as she doesn't get into anyone's way, your feline company is welcome. However, if she were to be causing mischief, do not be blowed if she is in your soup," the king warns as he turns around, a hand motioning you to trail behind him, but the whole situation nearly made you snort out loud. Was that humour in his voice?

Following him, you scoop Selene with a hand as you caught up to her, cutting her curiosity trip short as you did not want to have her disappear and find her as your dinner, despite King Jungkook's warning sounding slightly sarcastic. His foot steps climbing up the stairs echo, his boots emphasizing his steps as you follow a few steps behind him, your flats being light-sounded from underneath you.

The Upper World resembled a victorian age from the mundane world. As much as you missed your tennis shoes and trousers, the Upper World called for bell-shaped dresses, the air-sucking corsets, and uncomfortable shoes that hurt your back if standing for too long.

As King Jungkook walks down the spacious hall with such glorious designs, you notice that there were two beautiful women in gray high neck dresses, eggshell aprons wrapped around their waist standing on the side with head lowered. Despite their dull attire, their appearance is what caught your eye.

The one on the right had skin of the bluest topaz with complementing navy hair tied up into a sleek bun. If she had looked up earlier, you would admire her sunshine eyes that made her look so kind. The on the left had contrasting mauve skin and emerald hair flowing down her shoulders. She wore a headband to keep her hair out of her face.

Nymphs.

"Cricket, Calla," the king's voice ruined the solace of the hallway, the snap of both ethereal beings' heads making direct eye contact with King Jungkook, you catching the hazel eyes of the mauve skinned beauty for a split second before she keeps steady eye contact with the person she serves.

"They will be serving you throughout your stay," he states towards you, a nod cueing the two nymphs accordingly.

"Good morning, ___. I am Calla," the topaz nymph speaks first, bowing her head as you respectfully did the same.

"And I, Cricket," her partner speaks, bowing as well.

"It is lovely to meet you both, Calla and Cricket," you speak with a kind tone as they give the smallest of shy smiles.

"Aster and Fickle are unloading the carriages. They will be up to bring her belongings in any minute. You may start unpacking—"

"Oh no, that's not necessary," you intervene. The king sends you a glare for interrupting him, but daringly, you roll your eyes at him. "Cricket, Calla, just have Aster and Fickle leave my luggages on my bed. I didn't pack heavy, so it's alright. I'd prefer if I unpack myself."

"As you wish," Cricket and Calla say in unison before King Jungkook gives one last asserting, yet hesitating nod, turning his shoulder to continue walking down the hall.

"Come. I will show you the library," he orders, having you share one last look at the beautiful nymphs who both smile at you. In that moment, you give them a smile that you hoped would make them feel safe— as if you all have been friends before. As you tear your eyes away, you trot up to the king's pace, Selene being safe in your arms as you mentally curse the king for having long legs.

Walking for nearly a minute or two, you didn't realize he had stopped in front of large double doors, black wood engraved with the exact designs you recall in the main entrance, intriguing you with every bit. You blink for a nanosecond until you hear the door unlock and open, having to blink once more when you see that the king was only a few feet away from the immense opening, arms held behind his back as the door widened.

"Did you do that?" You question aloud. It sounded very mundane of you— as if you had not seen anything weirder in the Upper World.

"Yes," he speaks, raising an eyebrow at you as you wait for the doors to open fully. "I am a Pureblood, aren't I?"

His reminder made you realize that you did indeed forget that Purebloods hold some sort of power. It was only the three kings who held such powers, being why they were named the most powerful trio over centuries to live. Unsure why, you didn't take the King of Frawen to hold telekinesis, if anything.

The doors finally stop opening, two grand doors coming to a halt on either side of the opening and creating an entrance to a room that already has your mouth hung open.

"This is the library," he speaks, taking a step in first. "All of Frawen's greatest works over the centuries are all kept in here."

It was not the immense room that was its own castle itself, but it was the giant collections, endless spines of literature and word composition that was tempting you to swallow all of the knowledge up from them.

"These are the collections of Edgar Allen Poe," you observe, remembering that you had to read one of his famous works in your mundane junior high, the eerie components of his pieces standing out to you enough that you recall his name. "The Upper World holds mortal works?"

"Just the finer ones. Homer, Machiavelli, the Brontë sisters, Cordelia Maine—"

You widen your eyes. "No way. Cordelia Maine? You have her works, too?"

"Of course," he laughs at your never-ending bafflement. "She might be famous to you mortals, but her roots don't stray away from Frawen."

"Mortals," you repeat, catching his word that he knowingly categorizes you. It makes you blink up at him, more concerned why you weren't feeling as uneasy as you should that the king who stands in front of you and has brought you inside his castle knows you're the product against the Upper World law. "Dare I ask how you know this?"

The king smirks at you, probably bemused at how you weren't exactly trembling in your boots, but you probably have a spell prepared at the tip of your tongue. "Do you forget that I can smell your blood? You reek of mortals."

Arching an eyebrow at him, you narrow your eyes just slight. "Should I be worried?"

He smirks. "That I hold such knowledge? No, or else I would have no way to find a severance now, would I?" His rhetorical question is followed with a quirk of his eyebrow, a bemused smile illuminated from the indirect sun from the window. "Besides, your mother and I were acquaintances. I am well aware of your father and while I have never met him, I do know that your mother loved him, even if they were worlds apart."

Not saying another word, you smile. One that lingers on your face for a bit, one that is shared between you and the king, one that is as if you two have created some sort of connection by this secret he finds indifference to.

However, you do not let the smile linger for too long, for you cannot trust anyone so easily, no matter if your heart is oddly beating out of your chest and there is an odd stir in your stomach when his eyes remain on your form for a moment as if he is trying to study you and your every feature.

You disregard it though, as if a chip on your shoulder, or a hair in your face when he leads you back to your room from the grand library, claiming he has work to finish.

Later that afternoon, you were in the midst of unpacking your luggages when Calla and Cricket make an appearance into your room. They were there to escort you to lunch, but you told them to give you a few minutes to organize your things, encouraging them to wait in your room as you did so.

"Are you his betrothed?"

The sudden question makes you stumble, nearly dropping the books in your hand that you deemed most viable to bring to this trip. "Sorry?" You laugh, looking at them with a sheepish smile. A harmless question, but a stretch to inquire.

"Isn't that why he's having you stay here at the castle?" Cricket asks, keeping her hands intertwined in front of her as they both watch you organize your knick-knacks of books and crystals and Selene's toys.

"Oh to the heavens, no," you laugh, Cricket furrowing her eyebrows and cocking her head to the side, wondering why your peculiar stay at the castle isn't for that singular motive. "I'm here for an entirely different reason."

Calla blinks blankly, her long, blue lashes making it obvious. "Our king doesn't usually like to keep guests overnight— let alone indefinitely."

Placing your books onto the antique dresser, you raise an eyebrow at them. "Is that right?"

"We thought, perhaps, this was his attempt in courting you," Cricket says, rather timidly. "After all, you're very beautiful."

The compliment brings red to your cheeks. "You're just saying that—"

"But, 'tis true," Calla nods. "We're nymphs—"

"We can't lie—"

"We thought that he may have found love again—"

"We would be surprised if he didn't find you, at the very least, beautiful—"

"Our king doesn't open a room for just anyone, since he's very..."

"Closed off."

They jump off their sentences swiftly, as if a ball ricocheted against the walls in great speed and force. It intrigues you as you furrow your eyebrows, more interested in the last part they had to say. "Closed off? Why is that?"

Cricket and Calla look at each other before bringing their head down. "Have you not heard of his past?" You shake your head before Calla sighs and begins again. "Our king is the most kind, most fair— but it does not redirect the light away from his past—"

"Lost the people most close to him. Lost his mind along the way, and perhaps, most tragically, lost his soul. It began with Dawn and then his best friend who happened to be his general, and then his parents, and so on. They are frightened of him."

You furrow your eyebrows. "Who's they?"

"All of Frawen. Even those in the mundane world have heard of his story," Cricket answers.

"Frawen respects our king, if anything. However, that respect derives from fear. I'm afraid that the people in this castle are the only people who love him, who see the better in him."

"So I see it's been a lonely castle on this hill," you nod in understanding. "I won't bombard you both with anymore questions. You both are free to leave, I will meet you both in the dining room."

"Are you sure, my lady?"

"I'm sure. Please, I do not want to be a burden to you both."

The nymphs giggle. "We assure you that you are not. It's rather refreshing to tend to someone other than the king and his brothers."

"You both have been very kind. I will see you both there."

"And my lady," Cricket speaks. "We wish you a wonderful stay."

"Jungkook," Circe acknowledges his presence in a blink of an eye the minute he makes a step onto the property that was under an invisibility spell for nearly a decade, only to have it reappear as if it didn't disappear in the first place. "Here to welcome me back?"

The king lowly laughs, not taking another step onto the property as Circe turns around from watering her deep red rose bushes planted right outside. "I was surprised to hear that you made a foolish decision to move to the mundane world."

Circe ticks her tongue, shaking her head at how his prejudice against the humans stain his tone. "I don't believe it was foolish, dear Jungkook."

"Is that what you tell the Counsel?"

Circe lets out an amused sound, maneuvering around her bushes. "The Counsel can believe what they want, but they hold nothing against me. By law, I am allowed to be here and to be there. I may be a witch, aging like a mere mortal, but I still uphold powers strong enough to burn them alive before they can even think of crossing me."

"I have no doubt," Jungkook smirks. "But by law, is your daughter allowed to be here?"

Circe pauses her watering, hose in hand halting with the water continuously drenching a part of the rose bush as she raises an eyebrow. "Why are you here, Jungkook?"

"I heard she attends Ember Academy now. Enrolled as a full-fledged witch. I've come bearing a gift for her."

"A gift?"

"Call it a welcome back gift," he speaks with an anticipating tone right before he walks over to his horse of where a woven basket was attached to the saddle. Circe remains where she stands, watching him carefully as he walks towards her before she senses something, one that makes her hair stand on her arms. As he nears, Circe peeks into the basket, only to have her jaw drop as she sees that it is a kitten.

A kitten of midnight beauty, sleeping soundly in its basket of blankets.

Circe, who could not help it at all, laughs. Soft laughter rumbles through her throat as she coos at the creature, reaching her hands out to take the basket in her hands. "And your arrival has nothing to do with the fact that today is her birthday?"

"Is that today?" Jungkook ponders aloud as Circe laughs, sneaking a smirk on his face before she strokes a finger on the kitten's head carefully and gently. She can tell that he remembers, and that the years leading up to now, he always have.

Sighing, Circe's smile fades as she looks up at Jungkook, tired eyes and all. "I must tell you, Jungkook."

He raises an eyebrow at her.

"I've grown ill," she begins, retracting her finger from the kitten to hold the basket with two hands. "I have been for awhile now and I can feel my end nearing. I trust to believe that you will protect her."

Jungkook blinks a couple times, the odd construct of having someone who has been around for longer than he has tell him explicitly that their end is inevitable and that it was nearing quite sooner than he expected was worth a double take and a few seconds to digest.

"You may not want to stay tied to her, but I trust you enough to uphold her secret. And to protect her when needed," the kitten purrs meekly in the basket, making Circe glance at it for a mere moment before meeting the concerned eyes of Jungkook with matching knitted eyebrows. "Believe that I am not entrusting you with her life, but that the feeling in your heart of wanting to protect her is inevitable. No matter if the knot remains untied."

He opens his mouth, but the words he could not formulate were taken away quickly by Circe's chuckle, waving him off.

"I know what you'll say," she raises an eyebrow, lips curling and eyes creating crescents. "But if anything happens in the future, must you know you have my blessing."

"Circe," he begins.

"She'll appreciate this kitten," Circe interrupts, smiling at how the kitten inhaled and exhaled, curling in its ball with comfort of the soft fleece blankets. "I'm sure you don't want her to know it came from you, perhaps?"

There is a knowing look that the two share, one of pure guise. "May it be our little secret."

"Among thousands," Circe nods, one in which Jungkook does the same. "Will this be the last time we meet?"

"I would hope not."

"Then I bid you farewell, either for now or forever," Circe smiles, a weak curl of her lips, an evident form that made Jungkook realize that she looked much older than before— the gray hairs, her smile lines and forehead wrinkles. It all reminded Jungkook that she is, in fact, a pure mortal, withering faster than most. It scares him, but it makes him curious as to her motive despite him knowing that she did it out of love.

As he leaves the ebony kitten in Circe's hands to give to her daughter's possession, he departs her property with the lingering thought that maybe— perhaps people really do scary things out of love.

[fireinmywoods]

the heart of the matter (is Leonard McCoy)

Followers...friends. I come to you today, hat in hand, to ask for your support in a certain fandom matter, a trifling concern of little real consequence which nevertheless has been driving me absolutely cross-eyed bonkers for some years now.

Simply put: can we please all agree that Bones is the heart of the Enterprise???

In AOS, I mean. I’m not aware of any debate over this when it comes to TOS, where the roles of the triumvirate have always been explicit, though there are a few different ways to identify them:

Spock = logos = superego = head

Bones = pathos = id = heart

Kirk = ethos = ego = soul

So clear! So clean! So universally accepted by Trek fandom at large!

Oh, but things get murkier in AOS, and there are plenty of posts floating around which suggest that it’s Kirk, not McCoy, who serves as the heart in the Kelvin timeline. Even the writers of the first two AOS films have outright stated that their interpretation of the triumvirate had the original roles switched, with Kirk as the highly emotional one and McCoy as the arbiter between Kirk’s passion and Spock’s logic. It’s true that this technically counts as a Word of God pronouncement by the actual creators of 2/3 of the series thus far, which some would argue renders it canon. However, it’s equally true that those same creators also felt that Kirk was a fuckboi and that Benedict Cumberbatch wonderfully embodied their vision for Khan Noonien Singh, so honestly, who gives a hot hollerin’ fuck what those dingdongs think. This seems as justified a time as any to invoke Death of the Author, and in fact, it’s my firm belief that despite the writers’ intentions, Star Trek and Into Darkness both support the original triumvirate breakdown.

Under the cut you’ll find a long-winded and self-indulgent ~*~character analysis~*~ of the Kelvin-timeline incarnations of Jim Kirk and Leonard “Bones” McCoy, reviewing why Leonard is still unmistakably the heart, unpacking what the hell Jim’s deal is, and finally taking a look at some key examples from canon, because ya girl believes in showing her work.

Let’s get down to business.

[A quick warning, as this is starting to spread beyond my own followers: if you don’t like McKirk as a romantic pairing, you ain’t gonna like part IV, so I’d bow out before then or just take your leave now.]

i. Leonard

Independent of Jim’s characterization, it should be blindingly obvious that Leonard is the heart. He’s by far the most nakedly emotional of our seven core crew members, a trait we see writ large and small throughout the films. He’s reactive; he’s passionate; he’s humane. He cares, first and foremost.

Not about Starfleet, of course. Leonard doesn’t give a damn about playing the game or advancing his career, or even really about the Enterprise’s mission - he has no desire to explore strange new worlds, he’ll pass on seeking out new life and new civilizations, and he spends half his time trying to convince everyone else that boldly going where no man has gone before is a great way to die horribly. Fuck exploration, fuck space, and fuck the Federation while we’re at it. Leonard is perhaps the most improbable of the Enterprise’s senior officers for the simple reason that he seems to resent everything about the job.

Well. Almost everything.

See, what Leonard cares about is people. He cares about their lives, about their stories, about their hopes and dreams, about their suffering. That’s why he entered and has stayed in an extremely taxing caring profession, and it’s why he’s still on the Enterprise despite his incessant bitching about everything they do. He wouldn’t trust anyone else to take care of the crew he’s become so attached to, and he finds fulfillment in helping the people they encounter out there in the nightmare of space.

In every timeline, Leonard McCoy defines himself by what he can do for others: the pain he can ameliorate, the wounds he can heal, the diseases he can cure, the small amounts of good he can bring to a galaxy filled with so much absolute horseshit. Unlike most of his colleagues, he’s not motivated by curiosity or an adventurer’s spirit or a burning desire to make sense of the universe. (Fuck the universe, too, as a matter of fact.) Instead, he’s driven by the incredible depths of his compassion and empathy and concern for the people he serves alongside and those they meet along the way.

Sure sounds like the heart to me.

ii. Jim

I actually totally get why some people characterize Kelvin-timeline Jim as the heart. He’s quite literally a different man than the original timeline’s Kirk, and he definitely has more of the pathos qualities to him. Early on, he’s a total spitfire, fierce and hot-blooded, quick to anger and other sharp-edged emotions we’re not used to associating with James T. Kirk. Even as he grows into himself and leaves some of those traits behind, he remains spontaneous, passionate, protective, and self-sacrificing - easy enough to mistake for the heart if you squint.

But let’s not confuse having a heart for being the heart. Sure, Jim is more openly emotional and reactive than his TOS counterpart, but there’s still a marked difference between the way he and Leonard express and act on their emotions.

AOS Jim definitely has a lot of feelings - big ones - but at the end of the day, he’s not driven by his heart. He’s driven by his gut.

Whenever there’s trouble, Jim makes a beeline right for the center of it. He’s impulsive as hell, rarely pausing to think past his first instinct, because he just wants to be doing something, no matter the odds, no matter what it costs him. He explicitly calls himself out on this in ST:ID when arguing with Spock: “I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I only know what I can do.” He doesn’t have the patience or the constitution to sit and debate all the options, either internally or with his crew. If there’s a path forward from where he is, even a bad one, Jim’s gonna take it.

[Sidebar: One could make the case that the roots of Jim’s instinct to act reach back to his childhood traumas - canonically ignored abuse and neglect on the one hand, and the Tarsus IV famine and massacre on the other - but that’s a whole post on its own and we ain’t got all day here.]

Jim can’t not act, and while that gets him into a lot of trouble, it also saves lives. Sulu probably appreciated that Jim’s gut drove him to leap off Nero’s drilling platform without a moment’s hesitation after a man he’d only just met. He may have been a real shithead about it, but Jim’s impassioned insistence on going after the Narada and not wasting time on the possibility of a better option was key to saving Pike and Earth itself. And I don’t know why Spock was so surprised that Jim intervened to save him on Nibiru, considering that the reason they were there in the first place was because Jim couldn’t sit back and watch the Nibirans die when there was something his crew could do to help them, even if it meant risking a violation of the Prime Directive.

Jim is a good man with a big heart, and he cares about people, absolutely. But he cares most of all about Doing The Right Thing - which in the heat of the moment often translates to Doing Something, Anything, Hold My Beer.

iii. heart vs. gut (i.e., time for some receipts)

I think one of the main reasons Leonard and Jim’s characterizations get confused is because they both tend to act on instinct, only lightly informed by higher reasoning. However, I’d argue that their motivations and the nature of those actions are super distinct, and those distinctions remain relatively consistent throughout all three films. (And y’all know I really mean this shit if I’m out here calling ST:ID consistent.)

Jim is a big picture guy, figuratively and often literally heaving himself full-body into the mix of whatever problem the crew has encountered for lack of any better alternative. That energy propels the plots of all three films: the chaotic path he carves through the events of Star Trek and ST:ID, and the slightly calmer but still undeniably bananas course he charts for himself and his crew in the second half of Beyond.

As the heart, Leonard operates on a more micro level. His concern invariably lies with the individual people caught up in those grand events Captain Chaos is busy dragging them all through. While Jim’s zooming around flipping plot switches, Leonard can always be counted on to bring it back to the personal.

We frequently see this juxtaposed right there on film. Think of that slow pan through medbay in the first movie after the Narada’s ambush and the destruction of Vulcan: while Jim is stewing over what to do about the Big Bad, Leonard has stepped into the CMO role without fuss or fanfare to care for the wounded crew and traumatized survivors.

Or jump ahead to Beyond: during Krall’s attack on the Enterprise, there’s a gorgeous cinematic shot of Jim sprinting down the corridor with two crew members to take on the invaders - and then we cut to Leonard moving slowly through those same ghastly red-lit corridors, searching for casualties in need of help, visibly affected by what his scanner is telling him about the downed crewman he tries to save.

Actually, Beyond as a whole does terrific justice to each of their roles. (Perhaps because it was not written by dingdongs.) The first act finds Jim flailing around for a sense of purpose and forward momentum - an understandable consequence of a gut-driven character having stalled out for too long - and he ultimately gets his mojo back by spending the rest of the film careening through one insane seat-of-his-pants ploy after another. Meanwhile, in the quieter moments between all the mayhem, Leonard serves as the empathetic sounding board for both Jim and Spock as they struggle with deep emotionally charged secrets and Big Life Questions, helping them untangle their feelings and reminding them of the emotional attachments which are ultimately key to their respective decisions to stay on the Enterprise.

More examples, you say? Don’t mind if I do!

Star Trek

GUT: Jim hurtles around the Narada, improvising almost every step of the way and paying the price for his and Spock’s scheme in bodily harm, and ultimately succeeds in rescuing Pike. HEART: Leonard calls out for Jim as he runs into the transporter room, overwhelmed with relief that he’s made it back, and takes Chris Pike’s weight literally and figuratively onto his own shoulders to begin healing him while Jim runs back off to the center of the action.

Star Trek: Into Darkness

GUT: Jim argues with Leonard, Spock, and Scotty in quick succession as he’s preparing to drag them all off to Qo’noS, immune to their attempts to reason with him because, unraveled as he is by grief and pain, he can only focus on his visceral drive to Do Something. HEART: Unlike the others, Leonard is upset not about the larger moral questions of whether it’s right to go after John Harrison or bring torpedoes aboard the ship, but about the fact that Jim himself is hurt and hurting and won’t accept help.

GUT: Jim makes a snap decision to sacrifice himself by hurling his body against the warp core to realign it and save his crew. HEART: Shellshocked by the emotional grenade of his best friend’s death, Leonard suddenly realizes, through the haze of his own numbness and upswelling grief, that he might still be able to do something for this lonely radiation-ravaged body he’s been brought and the life it represents.

Star Trek Beyond

GUT: At the tail end of an improvised plan to out-maneuver Kalara, Jim quite literally shoots first and asks questions later, igniting a fuel tank and setting off an explosive series of events which he and Chekov just barely escape. HEART: The next time we see Leonard, Spock is opening up to him about Ambassador Spock’s death and his own plan to leave Starfleet for New Vulcan - and while he’s empathetic toward Spock (I can’t imagine what that must feel like), Leonard’s thoughts go immediately to the emotional impact of Spock’s plan on the other people he’s closest with. (I can see how that would upset [Nyota]. / I can tell you, [Jim]’s not gonna like that.)

GUT: Jim frantically strains to reach the final switch in the life support hub, believing that he’s going to die either way since the vent has already opened, but spurred on by the knowledge that his ability to move that switch is the only thing standing between Yorktown and annihilation. HEART: Knowing exactly what’s at stake, with the fate of the station and millions of lives hanging in the balance, Leonard’s greatest concern is that Jim won’t make it out in time.

iv. never bet against the heart

Let’s wrap this up with a deep dive on one of the absolute best examples of Leonard as the heart: his decision to sneak Jim onto the Enterprise in the first movie.

As relentlessly as I drag him for the, you know, poisoning and kidnapping aspects of that whole deal, there’s no denying that it is a god-tier heart move. Is it logical? Absolutely not. Is it really the right thing to do for either himself or Jim, as far as he knows at the time? Nope. It’s 100% the wrong choice for his own job security, reputation, and relationships with his fellow crew, and it’s almost guaranteed to get Jim into even worse trouble. Leonard is a smart dude who must understand that this course of action will likely end up coming back on them both in a real bad way. For someone who argues loudly and often in defense of self-preservation, this is a shockingly bad idea.

But none of that matters, because Jim shakes his hand and tells him to be safe with that horrible empty-eyed smile, and it gets him right in the heart, one-two-three.

One: sympathy, worry, and affection for Jim - his best friend, his wild and troublesome stray, his only family.

Two: guilt over adding onto Jim’s pain, and the instinctive urge to fix whatever‘s hurting him.

Three: fear of heading out into the unknown by himself, the agonizing uncertainty of not knowing what’s coming, craving for the security and reassurance Jim’s presence would give him.

“Dammit,” Leonard says, as his heart wins out over his brain. He knows this is a garbage plan, and he doesn’t care. His heart chooses Jim. That’s all that matters.

So he goes back for Jim, and to his own surprise it turns out that this Very Bad Idea was actually a Very Good Idea because Jim’s impulsive instincts end up saving Earth, and Leonard’s not in the habit of fixing what ain’t broke so he figures he may as well keep on chasing Jim’s crazy ass around the galaxy for a while, through jungles and off cliffs and into the goddamn afterlife when need be, until finally one day Jim’s gut drives him right into Leonard’s arms and he suddenly realizes that this is what his heart was choosing all those years ago: Jim’s wide terrified eyes, Jim’s voice breaking over his name, Jim’s hand pressing hard against his chest, reaching out for what’s his.

But that’s another story.

[mangamushi]

Thoughts on Saikyou Densetsu Kurosawa

FUKUMOTO Nobuyuki, 11 volumes, published from 2003 to 2006 in Big Comic Original (Seinen)

Saikyou Densetsu Kurosawa (Legend of the strongest man Kurosawa) follows the story of 44 years old construction worker Kurosawa as he realizes he spent most of his life without any meaningful connections with anyone nor any special achievements. He decides to change his life so that he can become proud of his own accomplishments and efforts, and earn respect and appreciation from the people around him.

(spoiler warning)

So I’m currently binging Fukumoto manga, after having them on my “plan to read” list for several years…I started with Kaiji, but initially the first manga of his that caught my interest was Kurosawa. The themes of it are right up my alley, and I like main characters that are not teenagers or young adults.

Kurosawa has a sequel, Shin Kurosawa: Saikyou Densetsu, which is a direct continuation. I’ll mostly be focusing on the first part here. 

The art is typical Fukumoto style. Odd at first, definitely not the prettiest nor the most impressive out there, but it does the job and I really grew to like it. He doesn’t hesitate to give exaggerated features to his characters, and I actually find the deliberate ugliness of the character designs refreshing. It certainly fits the story of Kurosawa, makes the characters very expressive and works well with the often comedic tone. 

Although the art looks simple, Fukumoto can deliver very intense pages when he needs to. 

His forte is in his use of narration combined with the picture, rather than in the drawings alone. He is a master at using a narrator’s comments or the character’s thoughts to raise tension and make the manga flow better.

 Kurosawa is definitely written with a lot of heart. Both the manga itself and the titular character, feel very genuine. Kurosawa is very flawed and very human. He is rough but powerful, his desires are simple, and he is straightforward in his reactions, to the point that his impulsive nature and lack of social restraints put him in trouble, especially when it comes to women...

There are a few instances however where he comes close to harassing women, which is played for laugh, which I disliked. Those scenes made me less sympathetic towards him as he actually deserved the repercussions of his actions here.

But besides those chapters, Kurosawa is overall a likeable character, easy to sympathize with and to root for as we see him at a low point of his life.

He is clumsy in his interactions with his coworkers, which, coupled with his hot-temper, often leads to misunderstandings and prevents him from getting closer to them despite his best efforts. I actually found Kurosawa’s failed attempts at achieving popularity reminiscent of Watamote. The beginning of both series, in which a pathetic main character fails repetitively at gaining the appreciation of their peers through outlandish strategies, elicits the same mixture of pity, second-hand embarrassment, and amusement.

Kurosawa also gets into a fair number of fights. While those fight-focused chapters were not bad, I was personally less into them.

Drawing literal fist-fights in not what Fukumoto’s best at. His character’s postures are somewhat stiff, which he compensates for with heavy use of speed-lines. It is okay-ish, but I want read a fight scene, there’s plenty of fighting manga out there that can do a better job. 

 I like Fukumoto more when he writes more psychological battles, like in his gambling mangas. Of course, psychological elements and strategies where not totally absent from the fights, but it was nowhere as much as in his gambling manga. Sometimes I think Kurosawa was a bit too lucky in the fights, as he is not a very athletic person nor someone with a lot of experience in fighting. It did not feel very convincing to me.

Besides, it is through these battles that Kurosawa gathers allies, a reputation and respect. But most of his opponents are teenagers, even middle-schoolers ! Granted they are very scary teenagers, but I still fail to see how a 44 years old man throwing hands with teenagers is such a praise worthy thing...

 I think I prefer to see Kurosawa fight and struggle to improve his life in a less literal way that actual physical fighting.

I haven’t read that many of Fukumoto’s works yet, but I feel like an important theme in them is perseverance/resilience. He puts his characters through a lot, but they tend to have some form of resistance that shines through as admirable. Kurosawa’s will to fight and to push back against adversity is sometimes the only thing he has left, and it is extremely important.

However, that is not an innate ability that comes to him easily -at times Kurosawa hides, flees, cowers. He hesitates, and he needs to think things through before he actually decides to fight.

Fukumoto: You know how protagonists in shonen manga do things like jump in to stop their classmate from being bullied without thinking about how they might get beaten up themselves? I always felt that wasn’t real. So with Kurosawa, I wanted to make a manga that shows hesitation, and how it actually isn’t so easy to defend people like that.

(Excerpt from this interview)

I like this kind of manga where characters reflect about what is the right decision to take and on how they should be living their life. And how the reader has access to their inner turmoil and thoughts. 

 His strength is often born from sheer desperation and desire to survive. It is when he is cornered that he can manage to act and fight even when the odds are against him. He has to make do with the very few tools and options he has, which leads him to elaborate unconventional tactics to win over his opponents. 

Having cornered underdogs characters winning over more powerful, but less desperate, opponents seems like a running theme in Fukumoto’s manga (cf. the made-up E-card Game from Kaiji, in which The Slave is the only card that can win against The Emperor, precisely because it is so low that it has nothing to lose anymore).

In a way, one could argue Kurosawa follows a formula reminiscent of classic shounen manga: a character who is below average at first rises to a heroic status through willpower, effort and after fighting a string of opponents. However, there are major differences that set Kurosawa apart, besides the older characters and more adult setting (Kurosawa’s worries are grounded in reality: growing old alone, financial problems...) Kurosawa does not provide escapism and dreams. The story begins with Kurosawa as a single old man, and ends with him an even older still single man. He does not become an amazing fighter through power boost and magic training like a shounen character might.

He does want to dream big, but all things considered, his achievements are fairly modest. He is not saving the world or becoming hokage.  At most he is just helping some other marginalized people from his neighborhood.  

Even if he puts his life on the line to fight, what he accomplished will fade into oblivion at some point.

But, even so, his efforts and struggle are still admirable.

Besides, Kurosawa is not about friendship, at least not the kind of friendship you find in shounen manga.

In Fukumoto’s manga, people may stick together for survival, they can share intense emotions when put through the same ordeals, but it’ll rarely turn into true companionship. Kurosawa is alone from the start, and while he does connect with other people throughout the story, in the sequel those relationships are left behind as he leaves on his own to start a new life. 

Fukumoto: My protagonists, on the other hand, are always alone – not only do they not have followers, they don’t even have friends. (laugh) [...]  I can’t do manga where the characters readily make friends that they risk their lives for. I started out by drawing short human drama pieces, but even then – partially because I wasn’t doing long-term series, but – they weren’t generally stories about friends.

I was kind of expecting Asai, one of Kurosawa’s coworker, to have a bigger role, but that didn’t happen. (I liked the part where he tried to comfort Kurosawa after he got humiliated so I was hoping for more!)

The story isn’t very cohesive or straighforward, it just follows Kurosawa’s life, who wants to change but lacks a clearly defined goal or road to follow. There isn’t one big coherent plot, instead the story goes in different directions, shifting from one genre to another from chapter to chapter. Kurosawa even admits it himself !

The quality of the chapters and different arcs is in my opinion rather uneven. 

 There are some really powerful scenes, notably the very end of the manga which is very touching. Kurosawa successfully leads a group of homeless men to defend themselves against some delinquents who were threatening them, but as a result of his injuries, he is implied to die. (The sequel manga reveals he actually just goes into coma for 8 years). It is bittersweet ending as he finally achieved something and is surrounded by human warmth.

                  Shin Kurosawa, the sequel, is similar to the first part, though slightly more light-hearted and focused on humor (even though Kurosawa’s situation technically worsens!). It seems to be less liked than the first part for those same reasons, but I personally enjoy Fukumoto’s humor and his more slice of life-y mangas. It has many genuinely funny moments. Once in a while there are still some chapters that feel deeper/more thought provoking, as Fukumoto likes to reflect about society, life, and humanity in his stories.

For anyone looking for other manga with similar themes, I can recommend Furuya Minoru’s excellent Wanitokagegisu . Both feature very lonely adult men who wish to turn their life around, and oscillate between humor and psychological drama.

[rinharu-purple]

MakoHaru vs. RinHaru is like Apples vs. Pears

Ooohhh, how nice that we have a horrific pandemic hugging our from us fellow humans cruelly treated earth, so that we could stay at our homes, bake our own bread, have hundreds of zoom talks and try to learn how to knit a sweater for our dog. Everybody chooses another recreational activity to spend their time at their homes...Me? Well. I can  finally write my thoughts on Makoharu vs Rinharu ship war because that's my business and knitting has never been my forte...oooor writing gramatically perfect essays and yet here - we - are.

I think Makoharu and Rinharu are veeeery different and I will try to tell you in this post why is it that I think so...(nope, not because I'm a Rinharu shipper, why would you think that, and no there will be no Makoto shaming, he's a precious baby boy and I love him)

Lets start with the context, in which these two kinds of relationships can be found in.

Makoharu is the “We have been best friends since we were in our diapers and now we are like siamese twins, like salt and pepper, like Ernie and Birt, like avocado and lime juice” type.

Mako and Haru got to know each other while they were 6 years old when Makoto tripped on a sand castle on the playground and Haru helped himto stand up. Ever since then, it's almost always has been Makoto's mission to help Haru stand up, get up or get out of any situation, pool or bath. They are neighbour kids so they've spent their entire life together. Day by day, year by year. They've started swimming in a SC together,  went to the same school and then attended to the same university. Even when they were on school trips outside the city, they would share the same room. So unsparable they've always been. Considering the fact that they are currently in their early twenties, they must have spent almost 15 years together. In that point they no longer need to use words to communicate or Haru has to tell Makoto about his problems. Makoto can always be spot on about Haru's concerns whereas Haru can sense when something's up with Makoto, even though he's not so spot on as Makoto. Haru is not the best when it comes to seeing through the souls of people. He has a quite accurate sense of detecting suffering souls though.

Makoto is always observing and following Haru in a not creepy way. Makoto is loyal to Haru and givies Haru a safe space, where he could always go to, when in distress. Makoto is the translator to Haru's thoughts and feelings, when it's far too uncomfortable for him to express his thoughts himself or the replier to his unasked questions, when its too embarrasing for him to pose them. He gives him handkerchiefs, when he sneezes, tells him to get out of the pool because its still too early to swim outdoors. He also guides other people in their handling of Haru, so that he wouldn' be put into unsettling situations. Makoto is taking over the role of a protector for Haru. Some also see Makoto in a maternal archetype. Even though I find this a little bit far fetched, Makoto is definitiely the mother figure in the team, that's for sure. Just not in this duo.

What is then Haru's role in this relationship? What does Haru think of Makoto canonically? I really had to skip this part and give it some thought before writing anything about this, because I didn't have any straight answer at the first time. Haru cares a lot for Makoto. I mean, we all saw how he freaked out when he's nearly drown in the ocean. He also reacts frantically, when Makoto tells him about his plans to go to Tokyo.Haru is also very sensitive about Makoto's fear of the ocean and always tries to stay between Makoto and the ocean while taking walks at the beach. But Haru usually goes his own way, doing his own things, regardles of Makoto. Sometimes it's almost like he would take Makoto for granted, especially when he's lost way too much in his own problems. He doesn't see Makoto as a basic part of his swimming career and also doesn't confide in him in topics regarding Rin. For example he never told him why he'd quit swimming and he also didn't mention him about the “fence tension”. Makoto is transparent with Haru, but can we say it other way around as well? We saw Makoto struggle with his feelings towards swimming in High Speed and Haru could only catch up to this after quite some time. The same goes for Makoto's dilemma about his future plans in Eternal Summer, because Haru was dwelled way too deep on his own dilemma. What about their team relay in the first season? When he's shattered to pieces because Rin won the 100 m freestyle race, he just disappeared and discarded anyone else. This might be te only unbalanced element in the MakoHaru relationship.

Whatever the roles in that ship might be, due to their closeness and co-dependence Makoto and Haru are extremely comfortable around each other and trust each other completely. It is an established relationship which has very strong roots. It is an unbreakable bond. This is the main context of this ship. What about RinHaru?

Rinharu is the “Ever since I've met you my life hasn't been the same and I can't stand you yet you complete me trope... like yin and yang, like Mr. Darcy and Elisabeth, like two polars of a compass, same same but different” type.

Rin and Haru have always been rivals but also friends. They would compete in every single silly challenge out there, but then set the prize in rather questionable things like “the winner carries the loser bridal style”. They are responsible for the most of the emotional meltdowns of each other but then again they are also the ones to gather the broken pieces of each other and “save” one another. On the other hand, they contuniously keep taps on each other, observe one other from behind the scenes. They also are not using words to communicate like in MakoHaru, the only difference from MakoHaru ist that not only they fail to understand each without words but they also misinterpret each other and therefore have many quarrels along the way. Then again we have many intimate scenes between them, mostly at night, in a car, on a bench, in Haru's room or in the same bed abroad, in which they express their thoughts and feelings very straightforward with clear sentences. No innuendos, no sugary coats, no ego-masks. As honest as they can be. More interestingly, those feelings and thoughts usually turn out to be mutual. They think and feel the same way, they just don't confess them often. It is a relationship of two opposing ends all the time and yet they crave to be next to one another, swim together, see the world together, be like one another, cherish their moments and memories together.  They appear to be  the “opposites attract” stereotype, but they keep growing, expanding and evolving. Neither them nor us viewers know what the next scene in their relationship will be like. It's a relationship that's still in the making, they dont' have an established pattern.

As much as MakoHaru will stay being best friends RinHaru will also stay being friendly rivals, regardless- of any other direction their ship may take. Imo those are the foundations of these two ships, so how are they played out in the series? What is the tone of these relationships?

Makoharu is green and blue, you mix them and you have either a darker or a lighter shade of green

I've just described MakoHaru as an established, safe relationship. It's not only that, but its also a harmonious one. Makoto and Haru are harmoniously compatible with each other. They don't argue much, or have completely opposite opinions, wishes, desires. Even when they differ in their ways, they still manage to find a common ground and keep theit relationship on track. So that's why the producers always give MakoHaru scenes a stabile tone. They don't have drama, but they also don't have emotions on the extreme end of the spectrum. The comforting atmosphere is the basic of their interactions. When they have an argument, they work this through swiftly, and close the deal. They don't carry the burden along the way, they just leave it there.

In illustrations Makoto and Haru are mostly portrayed facing the same direction, wearing the same uniform (obviously), in the same setting, in cooperation. Their Drama CD stories are also that of two characters getting along well. Makoto pampers Haru to his good health as a firefighter and protects him from the police or they cook a meal together and Haru plays to role of a trainer to Makoto. But hey are also portrayed like a somewhat married couple in a domestic seeting. Even Nagisa mentions in the first season that hey look like a newlywed couple. Btw I really think that Nagisa is a hardcore MakoHaru shipper.

RinHaru is red and blue, you mix them than you have motherf#cking purple!

“.. like yin and yang, like Mr. Darcy and Elisabeth, like two polars of a compass, same same but different”  of course they are red and blue! Red and blue are two of the three main colors so they are not harmonious. When mixed they try first to dominate each other but when they finally blend, they make the sophisticated yet charming purple. Something that is neigther blue nor red, something brand new and that's RinHaru. When they are together they clash, they compete, they try to dominate each other but once they finally give in, it's a sight we've never seen before. The ever unforseeable atmosphere sets the tone of RinHaru, which is why both Rin and Haru are still insecure about each other and because their reactions are unpredictable to each other. They appear to be indifferent or comfortable when together and yet there is a certain lack of confidence in their  interactions. They break their heads while contemplating about each others actions and carry the burdens of the unanswered questions in their own heads for quite some time.

In the official artworks they are mostly looking at each other, provoking each other or“mirroring” each other. They are moving forward on their own paths, but in the same direction. Their Drama CD stories show Rin as a policeman, who try to arrest the trespassing merman Haru but then end up showing him his favorite sights and Haru offering him his blood to save his life. In the second one, Haru and Rin, on their way back from the high school regional tournament, at night, using the only time to spend some time together, reminiscing about their eternal summer together and making promises about the future. In another one, Rin is spending the night at Haru's and they once again reminiscence about their childhood and then it takes a misleading turn which includes teenage boys keeping books under their beds. There are always some intimate sparkles in those stories and Haru and Rin always have a romantic moment, in which either one does something romantic to the other or they share theit romantic thoughts about their relationship. RinHaru in my opinion is handled like a "beginning of the relationship" couple. They are exploring their feelings and their relationship progresses with time.

And that is an important point. MakoHaru might be portrayed like a married couple but they are not one. On the other hand, RinHaru really is an everevolving relationship. MakoHaru's setting hasn't changed ever since the first season but RinHaru is taking a different turn in every single one.

Here is a brief comparison of the first and last highlighting interactions of the both ships in each season.

First Season:

In the first season MakuHaru starts as it always does. Makoto pulls Haru out of his bathtub so that he could go to school in time, much like in the past. And there are important scenes in which they express their appreciation for them sticking to each other. RinHaru on the contrary, starts on a bitter note due to their dispute from the middle school and keep a cold face until they both speak or in this case shout/cry out their true feelings and make up.

Second season:

Second season also starts with Makoto pulling up Haru out of his baththub and ends in the same manner, even though they also have a fight because Makoto also tries to bring Haru to his senses about giving more serious thoughts to his future plans. RinHaru starts the second season with a new set of feelings. They set a new tournament record and reach the finish line at the same time, giving each other high five and experiencing this new “fired up face” sensation. At the end of the season we see them again at the starting block on neighboring lanes, but this time they give each other a confident, challenging and yet playful smile before diving in.

Third season:

In the final season up to date Haru and Makoto are attending university in Tokyo and to my surprise aren’t living together. Their first scene is as usual Makoto helping Haru out of water but Haru, this time, pulls Makoto right into the pool, pointing to the fact that Haru, indeed, has become more assertive and confident in his actions. At the end of the season, we see them both still meeting as best friends and studying together. Rin and Haru set off for the final lap of the series miles apart, nonetheless we find them thinking about each other, while they’re in water. Being far awy no longer bringst fear to their relationship, since they know that they are working towards the same goal and that their paths will cross again. And exactly this is what we see in the very final scene. Haru and Rin, standing side by side, at the international stage. Wondering what the future holds for them, but one thing is for sure...They’re diving into the future as a duo.

So when we leave every other scene out of the discussion and solely focus on what are the starting and ending status of these two ships are, we can see that MakoHaru stays stable over the years and don’t show much change, whereas RinHaru evolves and progresses over time and these guys are feeling closer to each other despite spending most of their times apart.

So how do the other characters react to these ships?

Well as mentioned earlier Nagisa is definitely a MakoHaru shipper. He makes suggestive comments about their relationships amd is also very attentive to Mako’s worries about Haru which brings me to Makoto’s reactions to RinHaru. Why was Makoto jealous of Rin and wanted to race him in freestyle? I think Makoto was jealous of Rin because he’ realized that there is someone, who occupies a certain area in Haru’s life, which he cannot be involved in. This would make any best friend uncomfortable and he also confides in Rin after his fight with Haru. Rin on the other hand accepts MakoHaru as best friends and supports it and tries to cheer up Haru about his fight with Makoto by saying that Sousuke und him fight all the time. Sousuke also seems to be aware of the dynamic of RinHaru and is quite cold towards Haru while messing with Rin about his fixation on Haru. He is also quite aware about Rin’s expressions changing while tlaking about Haru, so he senses something out of the ordinary there. Rin’s homestay parents also give Haru a wink while telling him that Rin used to mention from someone whom he looks up to. Ikuya as a newly introduced character, also shows some jelaousy like behaviour towards Rin, although this behaviour is pretty mutual. but I could see Ikuya having more concerns than Rin here. Let’s also not forget about how even Kisumi’s realized that Haru appeared to be lonesome, when Rin was in Australia during middle school (which Haru silently confirms during Ikuya’s heartfelt burst out in Starting Days). People know, that there is something more then what meets the eye for RinHaru.

In total, MakoHaru has always been a relationship, which owed its strength to its stability and therefore is a very rooted and powerful relationship. Makoto is without a doubt Haru’s best friend and he will remain being that. However I don’t think there has been more than that and also don’t see it turning into something romantic. I mean, like 19 year old college students in Tokyo, don’t you think that they would at least get into a flatting situation if they were more intimacy there? (or maybe this isn’t something common for Japan, I dunno). Since Makoto’s journey takes a different orientation than Haru’s I wouldn’t be surprised if Makoto would soon have a girlfriend. I see Makoto more of a heterosexual guy tbh.

RinHaru on the other side, is still a story in the making and their strong feelings and obsession for each other and most importantly, their paths finally meet and they will be able to finally spent more time together and get to know each other even more. Considering the passion, intimate moments and their desire to be together could turn into something in romantic. I think the romantic feelings between Rin and Haru have been there right from the beginning, but they had to live through all kinds of experiences and form their personas as professional swimmers and find their true identities, while establishing their relationship first before giving thought to what other feelings might be there. So its just a matter of time, that they become aware and act upon these feelings, so we could just hope that we got more Free! productions.

Thank you everyone, who’s made it this far. I know it’s been a long post, but there was no way for me to cover it any shorter than that. Please excuse any typo or grammatical mistakes. I checked the whole text twice, but I’m pretty sure, that I’ve oversaw many mistakes. Did you like it though? Would you add/change something in it? Let me know. I would love to hear your opinions!

[veroticker]

Candy boys - Jo Raven

You can buy the book on the author’s website.

Summary (from Jo Raven’s website)

Joel and Jethro. Roommates. Total hunks. Inseparable friends. Hot as hell.

Meet my fantasy boyfriends. Aren’t they just the sexiest, cutest thing? I know, right? They totally are. They are hot, too hot for a quiet—and obsessed with them—girl working in a bookshop. That’d be me, by the way.

There’s also the tiny problem of Joel wanting another girl. And as for Jethro, well… he doesn’t do girls. Or maybe he doesn’t do relationships. He certainly doesn’t do boys, so he isn’t doing his best and very male friend… right? Much less his male friend and me at the same time.

So it’s fine to crush on them. And write a serial story on my blog in which we are together. All three of us.

Whew.

I mean, it’s okay. It’s perfectly safe. They’ll never even know I exist, much less find out about my blog and my secret fantasy about them. Right?

…Yeah, that’s what I thought, too.

Blurb

“CANDY

Post title: You Won’t Believe This

From Candy Boys (Blog Serial)

J-One licks his lips suggestively and pulls me onto his lap. “Ready for this, baby?”

Is this a trick question? I’m always ready for him and he knows it.

For them.

J-Two nuzzles my neck from behind, leaving a trail of goosebumps on my skin. “Just get on with it, J,” he grumbles. “You’re wasting time.”

“Use your mouth for something else, will you?” J-One slides his hands up my body, eyes heavy-lidded.

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Let’s talk about bananas…”

Hm. Sure.

Why not, right?

You know how there are people who hang out in bookshops, browsing books and secretly sniffing the musty odor of their pages? How they are often nerdy, with glasses and Star Wars hoodies, giving you that nervous sideways glance when they catch you looking? The real bookworms? The archetypal readers?

Well, the guy who just walked through the door is nothing like that.

Let’s back up a little. This day didn’t start out promising at all. Cloudy and dark, with a chilly wind, and I realized too late I had run out of coffee.

Candace Amanda Riley, I told myself sternly, you got this.

But then my car wouldn’t start. And when I arrived at the shop, it was only to find out Annie, the other girl working here, quit. Chris from the coffee shop next door says she eloped to Vegas with a guy she just met.

Let me note here that today it’s Thursday. I mean, come on. Things can’t go that bad on a Thursday. There’s Mondays for that!

So this guy walks in and the day suddenly turns better. The clouds clear, the sun comes out, and he’s standing there, backlit like an angel, a radiance forming a halo around his dark hair, lighting up his face—and his body.

I adjust my glasses for a better look and let out a shuddery breath.

Oh God, he’s tall. And those shoulders. They seem to fill the shop from side to side. Those narrow hips. Those spectacular biceps, bulging when he lifts a hand to push his hair out of his blue eyes.

Wait a minute. I know those eyes.

The beautiful stranger walks up to me, and I take a step back, because he’s not really a stranger. I know him, very well. As much as it is possible without actually sleeping with him, that is.

J-One. J the runner. J the Powerhouse.

Joel Kingsley.”

(review under the cut)

Review

(audiobook) This book is advertised as a menage romance, and I was expecting mostly sex scenes. But I found way more.

Don’t be mistaken, it’s extremely steamy. MFM, MMF, MM, MF... There’s a little bit of everything here, but every sex scenes is intended as a new step in the relationship between the characters. Because they face a lot of obstacles, inside themselves, inside their relationship, and outside, with the rest of the world. There’s a whole lot of angst here.

The characters were very interesting. We have Candy, a little nerdy, who lives in her fantasy and who’s struggling with the reality when she finally experiences what she dreamed about for years. We have Joel, the jock who’s a closet history nerd, who has trouble accepting his desire for someone of the same sex due to the bigot way he has been raised. And we have Jethro, the sentimental bisexual bad boy, who can’t believe people would care for him because of all his flaws. They’re all loveable and you can’t help but root for them to solve their problems so they can live happily together.

Yep, the story is a bit angsty. But there’s also a lot of humor and, of course, a ton of romance.

I really enjoyed it as an audiobook because the narrators were excellent. Ava Erickson gives Candy a spunky personality. Sebastian York’s Joel is calm and restrained. Joe Arden infuses Jethro’s voice with melancholia. They’re all perfect for their character.

This book was a very good surprise for me and it got me very emotional. Highly recced!

Quickie

Series: Hot Candy #1 (standalone, but the next book is a bonus epilogue)

Hashtags: #menage romance #curvy girl #jock #bad boy #bisexual #polyamorous relationship

Triggers: homophobia, gruesome murder and murder attempt

Main couple: Candace Riley & Joel Kingsley & Jethro Connors

Hotness: 5/5

Romance: 5/5

+ each sexual act is meant to show a new step in their relationship

- it’s also a romantic comedy, but sometimes, the funny parts felt out of place

  Stalker mode

You can suscribe to Jo Raven’s newsletter on her website.

You can also follow her on Facebook.

[darkmindsthinktwistedthoughts]

Devil’s Temptation pt12

Warnings: Mob Styling warlords, strong language, violent 

Masterlist

---

Chapter 12 – Desperate Measures

Avoiding going to the main office building was not something that could continue to happen. His continued absence was likely to spark new rumours, and adding more fuel to the fire was not going to be helpful right now.

It was almost impressive how quickly everything seemed to escalate, he hadn’t managed to shift the idea that this was the job of a pro. According to the early morning reports, there is no other exit to that tunnel. The service access was located within the whole structure of the tunnel as well so that ruled out her slipping out in some way that couldn’t be covered by those cameras. Could she have done this? No, how would she? She has been under protection and guards this whole damn time. She had her mobile but she hasn’t touched it and no one has even tried to contact her. Actually, I think it’s still in her room in the loft. Dammit, I can’t even ask for a trace on that.

Everything was exactly as he had been told. She kept herself to herself and it was her low profile that had saved her all this time from being found. There was no doubt she had been smart but it was only a matter of time before this cat and mouse game turned to the inevitable. You were good [Name] but I was better.

No this was organised. It was a total set up. He could feel his blood flash hot at the idea that someone had dared cross him in such a way. Did they know about the agreement? Its details? What would happen if it didn’t happen? His mind wandered over the possibilities jumping from idea to idea like stones skipping across water. He reread the same section of the email he had received again, unable to take it in. This is no good I can’t focus on the “legitimate” work.

– Buzz –

The sound of the intercom on his desk broke the spell of the struggle he was having.

“Yes, what is it?”

“Mr Yasui. There is a gentleman here to see you. I explained that as he didn’t have an appointment you might not be able to see him but he is insisting that you are already expecting him.” The timid voice of his secretary spoke clearly to him from the small speaker.

“Send him in and take an early lunch. On your way inform Mr Tanaka that I wish to see him.” Takahiro issued his order through clenched teeth as he bit back the desire to curse aloud.

“Yes, Sir.”

– Click –

Fuck! Ok this was coming I knew that but it’s too early. I need more time I need to find her I need… While in a rattled panic Takahiro started opening up draws on his desk and rummaging through papers there. It was a vain hope that something there would be enough to explain away [Name]’s absence. Away working with an interior designer to come up with ideas for our new home? No, no good he’d ask for an address. Spa retreat? No, he’d want the number to phone and check… His hand fell on the cold steel of a gun barrel.

It was an old weapon, small something close to what you might imagine a female spy to carry concealed on her somewhere in a movie except this one, well this one had a history. It was his history, his gun, the one he turned on his own brother during a family dinner after that little stunt was pulled at the lake house where someone tried to kill him. One problem with being in this world was it was dog eat dog. The points of view of the older and respected members of the families were deeply rooted in a ridged system of patriarchy.

The children pitted together in an invisible ring and made to fight it out to the end. Whoever won was the new head and whoever lost was either used to form ties and bonds somewhere else or cast out. Takahiro often thought that being cast out was kinder. But then there was the issue with lack of ability to lead a normal life. You grow up in the dark underbelly of society it is very difficult to then start living in the blinding sun on the surface world. It was even more difficult when you were still seen as taboo.

It was hardly the era of the past. People tended to be much more accepting these days and yet there was still that stigma. You had certain expectations and those governed your life. He needed this. He needed [Name]. She was the ticket to freedom he wanted. I told you this was more than just a union of family, this was our ticket to be able to lead a life without speculation. A life without judgement. No one looks further than the wife in a relationship. Rumours spin no matter if the marriage is happy or not. People always look for those hints of hidden lovers. But this would give those rumours a lot less weight within the families. Yes, this would keep those old relics happy.

The door to his office opened allowing just one-person entrance.

“Where is my daughter?” [Name]’s father bellowed as he strode into the space, his short greying brown hair shaking as if to visualize the man’s anger and concern more.

“I don’t know.” Takahiro could have lied but he was exhausted. Although a lie would just result in the man before him being even more enraged so there was really no point.

“What?”

“I’ve been searching since she vanished four days ago. No one has seen her, there is no trace.” At Takahiro’s words the father sunk into one of the chairs on the other side of the desk. His face was white as a sheet. His eyes swimming as he processed everything. His child was gone again.

“If you cannot look after her then our agreement is void.” Those monotone words might have been spoken out of a mixture of shock and grief but they were also the ones that Takahiro didn’t want to hear. I suppose it is a good thing you came alone. Good for me that is.

“It truly saddens me to hear you say that. But… I should also thank you.”

“Thank me?” Picking up on the shift in Takahiro, [Name]’s dad suddenly looked up from his seat. Realisation dawning on him that this was not something that was going to be in his favour at all. He had been too trusting, too complacent. He had walked willingly, and alone, into the lion’s den at feeding time. The almost black eyes of Takahiro were practically smouldering as they remained focused on him his arm rising from his side, the chrome barrel of a small pistol nestled firmly in his hand. He had no time to react.

– BANG! –

The smell of a freshly fired gun mingled with the smell of fresh blood. Takahiro calmly put the weapon back in the drawer and locked it before standing up and moving around the desk to look at the body of the old man in the chair. His eyes were growing darker with each strangled breath. How easy it would be to let you die, but you still have a use even in your sorry state.

“Because of you, I shall be able to recover what is mine… Thank you.”

---

Nobunaga could take a lot of things and he tolerated them with ease most of the time. But this development was not something he was willing to overlook. Disruption in his home and business. He was King of this castle and he would see it remain a peaceful oasis during times when wars were raging outside. No this had to be dealt with.

– Knock, Knock –

“[Name]” He waited for a reply. She is in there I know. “[Name] I am not in the habit of repeating myself. Open the door.”

The door clicked open and she stood to the side staring at him through the narrow gap. She was pale, faint marks remained on her face that showed the trails that tears had taken over her cheeks. Her eyes were red and puffy too. It seems I was probably right to come after all.

“Nobunaga? What do you want?” She asked in a small tired voice.

“I think we need to talk.”

“Talk? You never once concerned yourself with what I had to say before, so why now?” It had only taken a second. Blink and you would have missed it but the steel in her spine seemed to solidify once more and she was back to fighting mode. You really are a Fireball. Nobunaga had to suppress the desire to laugh at the sight. You really are an entertaining woman [Name]. Who knows in another time things might have been different.

“Before you weren’t something to concern me now…” I have one of my best men rattled so badly to his core it threatens to make him useless to me. He didn’t say the last part to that statement. That bit was none of her concern. Right now, he had one man down and he knew there was no way that they were going to meet an understanding in any way unless one of the stubborn duo listened to reason. Mitsuhide was lost in his own self-loathing that left one option. You are the key to this [Name].

[Name] backed away from the door leaving it open and returned to the seating in the living room. Nobunaga followed closing the door behind him.

“So, you are here because?” She inquired as she sat on the couch.

“I realise what happened was less than ideal.” Nobu said as he took a seat without being offered one. 

“Less than ideal? That is the understatement of the century. Are you actually here to try to make things a bit easier to understand or were you planning on just mocking me?” She was fizzing. It wasn’t exactly an explosion waiting to happen, but she was certainly throwing off sparks.

“Emica.” Nobu threw out the name without any emotion in his voice. She has nothing to do with this situation and yet everything to do with it all at the same time. I haven’t seen Mitsuhide so near the edge of the void since that day and I don’t think ignoring it as he seems to want to do is going to help.

“Who?” [Name] was clearly confused.

“That is where it started.”

“And what or who is Emica?” She reiterated her first response. I see he really did tell you nothing. Was it out of shame, guilt or a desire to save you from himself though I wonder?

“She was someone special to Mitsuhide once. She still is in a way as he never moved on. Emica was the daughter of a small family in our circles. She was young, full of energy and always smiling.” Nobu watched as [Name] watched him intently taking in every word he was saying. “It was decided that Mitsuhide would be in charge of her.”

“Were they engaged?” Her quick-fire question almost made Nobu question if she had heard of similar things happening around her. Perhaps it was the plot for a popular television programme or something.

“Not officially. She was the sister of one of his friends, to start with they were all close like siblings. After she left school, she was offered as a bride. Mitsuhide was to be her intended. I don’t think he ever felt romantic love for the girl but he did love her none the less.” Nobu remained observant. The small woman in front of him had a strong front on at the moment. It faltered only when Mitsuhide was mentioned directly. In those brief fleeting seconds, she looked just as frail as she did on the day of the funeral. She still loves him. Good, that means I wasn’t wrong. You can still be useful. 

“I see… But I still don’t see how Emica is the issue.”

“On the way to the engagement part,y there was an ambush. She was shot.” [Name]’s eyes shot open at that. A very real look of shock, horror and heart break played out in her big blue eyes. Nobu continued aware of her emotions but convinced that this was something she needed to hear. “Mitsuhide found out later that he was the intended target. He never forgave himself.”

“So, he is… because… what is he exactly?”

“One of the best men I have at getting jobs that need doing done. If I gave him just one title it would be an insult to him and his talent.” Nobu was being honest. Mitsuhide was a master at his craft, and that craft spread out over many different fields in sometimes undetectable ways. “He turned down a path that day seeking his own answers and his own justice for what happened. For all his faults in how he handled the situation between you both. He did what he did believing it was the only way to protect you.” Mitsuhide you owe me for this, I hope you realise that? 

“I… I would love to say I understand but…” She lowered her eyes. Colour had returned a little to her skin and her voice was less weak but it was clear she was overwhelmed. If there was another way. I would choose that. But there is no time.

“It’s a lot to take in and process.”

“Exactly. Even telling me all this I’m still not sure I can just forgive, forget and move on.”

“No.” Nobu’s strong deep voice cut her off before she could continue. His change in volume and tone made her whole-body jolt. Her conclusion to what he had told her was all wrong. It was not why he had told her any of this. Had he wished to help? Of course, he had. He wanted Mitsuhide to stop flitting around like an empty shell. He wanted his business to continue as it had. Hell, he wanted that jumped up little jerk Yasui to disappear. But he not once was asking her to forgive and forget.

“What?”

“I did not tell you this so you could do that. Experiences in life are things that shape us in ways that make us who we are in the here and now. Without those experiences, we would not have knowledge, understanding or the ability to cope with future things that would threaten to topple us from where we stand.” Nobu explained calmly. If nothing else he could guide her a little from his own personal experience. I messed up, but even I know it pays to have people you trust around you during that time. That is what I learned. 

“So, you told me this just so that I knew some facts that might help me process the current situation easier than stumbling around in the dark?” She tilted her head and her expression seemed to soften a little as she looked at him in a new light.

“Correct.” Nobu nodded once and smiled. “He was right about you.”

“He was?” Now she appeared to have been thrown right back into the land of confusion. She really is full of interesting expressions. I can see the appeal. What must it be like to tease this woman?

“You are bright and intelligent. You grasp concepts quickly, and you are strong.”

“He called me strong?” She scoffed.

“He actually called you stubborn.” Nobu’s flat reply made her pause for a second before laughing. At least you smiled. Good. After regaining her composure, she continued.

“I’m still failing to see why he would go that far for someone he just pulled off the street during a gun fight.”

Did she truly not see it? Did she think that whatever they shared was a series of long one-night stands meant only something to one of them? If you knew him as I do you would know that he is not the type of man that can do such a thing. He is a lot of things but Mitsuhide has never been that.

“Fear can make you do stupid things… as can love.” Nobu reached out to touch her hand that was clenched next to her leg. Easing it open with his hand so as to relax it before she could do damage to herself.

“Love?”

---

Burning. It was the only thing he felt now and even that was becoming a numb sensation. The more he drank in the hope to drown out the voices in his own head the more he felt the weight of the words they spoke.

“Idiot… Fool… Heartless… Inconsiderate… Moron… You did all that and you still hurt her.”

I don’t deserve to ask her to try to understand or for forgiveness. What I did was beyond something I could expect to be forgiven for. Sighing he drained yet another bottle of strong sake tossing it into the recycling to join its other empty comrades. I should probably eat something. He has skipped lunch, unwilling to sit in a room surrounded by the guys and feeling so completely alone once more. Those eyes watching him out of concern also seemed to scream judgement. It was exhausting pretending it didn’t affect. I’ll just grab a sandwich or something that will be enough.

Thinking this Mitsuhide left his room opening his door and felt a soft thump as something landed right into his chest. What was that?

---

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 3x05 Homecoming

aka nobody wins

Welcome to this dailyish text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and rant about it in 10-3k words. What you can expect: long run-on sentences and disjointed observations, often focused on one tiny detail about the episode. What you shouldn’t be expecting: actual reviews that make sense.

And in today’s episode, Faith asked Buffy out to be her date at the dance, and she said yes! But then Buffy ended up going with Cordelia, because everybody’s doing this dating thing wrong anyway.

I mean, let’s take a tally here. Buffy’s going out with Scott, but she sneaks out to meet Angel. To whom she’s talking about Scott. And then Scott dumps her.

But that’s okay because Faith asks her to be her date. (She’s being so faux-casual about it too… Oh, Faith.) Except the gang interferes for Buffy and Cordelia to go together and work out their differences. A suddenly dateless Faith then masterfully sabotages Scott and his new date to get back at him for hurting her girl.

Oh yeah. And the Willow/Xander disaster ride has left the station. Which I guess will be my main subject for today, because I love a good trainwreck.

Homecoming is one of those episodes though that has a lot of good stuff going for it, so one should at the very least acknowledge that before attempting some very specific character deep dive.

Buffy has one of her greatest speeches here for instance.

Buffy:  I just thought... Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and... for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there'd be proof. Proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides... I look cute in a tiara.

It’s a great storyline for Buffy, about her trying to reclaim her place in the world as a young high school teenage girl, rather than someone burdened with all these adult conflicts and responsibilities.

But what I also like in this scene is Cordelia. You would normally expect her to cut the tension with a snide candid remark, but she remains silent during Buffy’s speech. She even seems understanding and empathetic listening to her! That’s growth.

Before that though, there’s also this weird thing happening earlier as they’re competing with each other for the title. Cordy remarks that a Homecoming queen should be someone who’s part of the school and has friends. And I was like…

Cordelia, your friends are Buffy’s friends. And in season 1 you complained about how none of your pals from before were actual friends you could connect with. That’s sort of why you started hanging around the Scooby gang in the first place.

I guess maybe Cordelia meant having general connections at the school as well, which she probably still has, despite falling out with her clique earlier… But then again, she lost the vote, so who knows.

The weird thing though is that as it turns out she was right about her having the friends, as the gang ends up helping her instead of Buffy with her campaign. But that’s entirely on Xander and Willow, and Buffy needs about 2 seconds to break Willow to help her out too.

And yes, finally, it’s time to talk Willow and Xander.

I’ll admit, I’m obviously coming into this episode with thoughts and feelings on these characters that reach far beyond the current point in the show. I also sat down already thinking about what I was about to see, so I somewhat predetermined what my read was going to be on it.

I will say though, that the whole HORMONES take does seem a lot more valid after rewatching the episode now. There’s definitely this pattern of them trying to fight the ~~~attraction~~~, and then feeling super guilty about it whenever they ~~~give in~~~.

But saying that it’s just “hormones” and them doing “young stupid shit” is also a boring take. What them being teenagers in this situation essentially means is that they don’t really have the ability yet to self-reflect and try and figure out what they’re acting on. They’re too busy feeling guilty, and guilt and introspection are definitely not interchangeable.

So I’ll do the analyzing for them. You’re welcome.

I used to think of cheating as the ultimate show of a lack of respect for one’s partner. Which it is. But it‘s often also a reflection of how the person doing the cheating currently feels about themselves and the relationship they’re in.

And yes, there’s also the question of who they’re cheating with and how they feel about them. Which I will get into.

I feel like it is noteworthy to point out too that once Willow and Xander get caught, they’ll never again pursue any sort of romantic relationship with each other. We also won’t see them cheat on any of their future partners… but they will manage to self-sabotage their relationships in other ways, proving that they still have plenty of issues to work through.

And some of their baggage can actually be followed back to the same root: wanting to be loved. But how that manifests for each of them is significantly different.

For Willow, being loved means being special to someone. Being the first choice, the person who they’d never abandon. She clings to that feeling and to the people she experiences that with. And we’ll see just how bad that can get, especially once you put power into that mix… but safe to say, that that’s why she held that torch for Xander for so long.

Xander and Willow grew up together, and they’ve been essentially the most important people in each others life since childhood. It’s possible to read then Willow’s crush on Xander as a desire to make sure that that bond would never break, and that she wouldn’t end up being Xander’s second choice. Or worse, someone he would leave behind.

Anyone who knows me even a tiny bit should already be aware of this, but for the record, I’m not saying with this that romantic love is more important than friendship. But I definitely feel like in Willow’s mind and subconscious these things might get conflated.

I imagine then that for Willow, the feeling of Xander finally reciprocating all these confusing emotions is pretty intoxicating. She knows that there’s something wrong with this picture, that Xander’s still in a relationship, and that she’s with someone else who sees her as special and wonderful… But she’s also not putting any effort into figuring out those emotions beyond her guilt. As a result, she has trouble putting a stop to what’s happening, because she doesn’t have a full understanding of herself and what she’s feeling.

And that’s very much Xander’s issue as well. But he’s approaching it from a different perspective.

Xander’s coming from a pretty bad home situation. It’s largely only hinted at during the show, so we can mostly guess at the nature of abuse he grew up with, but it’s pretty obvious that he didn’t receive a lot of love from his family. He learned to cope through sarcasm and desperately trying to be noticed by someone.

The problem is that while Xander wants to be loved, he also hasn’t really experienced what that feels like growing up. So he doesn’t really know what he’s looking for, and instead ends up constantly chasing after something new and unattainable.

The tragedy of course is that he’ll never actually be able to find that missing piece of himself. He’ll never feel the security that comes from growing up being surrounded by unconditional love. He can only learn to accept the people he surrounds himself with as his new family, and share the kind of love he wishes to have always had with them.

In this moment however, much like Willow, he falls into the trap of conflating the nature of his feelings. He’s always loved Willow, she was one of the few positive influences in his early life. But the idea of her as a romantic interest just wasn’t alluring to him, because she was already there. All he had to do was reach out - which is why he never did.

But as soon as Willow became unavailable, Xander’s interest became more and more apparent. He was visibly jealous of Oz, and in the end of s2, he seems to come to a realization of just how important Willow is to him. (A moment which will then be reflected back seasons later where Xander’s “I love you” will bring Willow back from the brink once again, this time completely free from any romantic connotations.)

For me, the fact though that neither of these characters will make any effort to try and figure out if they could be in a relationship together past this little affair they got going on, is what confirms that they’re not really acting on a romantic interest. They love each other, deeply, but mostly, they’re just conflicted about their lives, and about where they and the relationships they’re in are going.

There are definitely reasons one can list on why they’d be self-sabotaging their relationships too. For Xander, I already detailed his chasing the unattainable to find what’s missing from his life mentality, which means that he might be trying to get out of this relationship on a subconscious level. And with Willow, we can easily retrofit her sexuality into this discussion. Especially since it appears that she and Oz were approaching a level of physical intimacy that could’ve given her a lot of anxiety she wasn’t ready to deal with.

Out of the two, Xander will also be the one who won’t make much of an effort to win Cordy back. And sure, Oz might hold less of a grudge too, but there’s still a very clear distinction in how Willow and Xander will be handling the fallout. But as discussed earlier, it’s also very much in character for Willow to cling to these relationships, so this should come as no surprise.

But I might just be forgetting some details about this storyline. We’ll find out soon enough, I guess.

Like I said, I love a good trainwreck.

[indigohour]

Exploring my First House

(via Time Nomad)

The first house

(via Astrology Zodiac Signs)

The first house is the basic connection we have to our body and the incarnation we are in at the moment. This is exactly why it is the most important window into our world of karmic debt and represents the level of ease or hardship we have to go through in order to evolve in this lifetime. If one has a challenge seen through planets set in the first house or its ruler, it becomes obvious that they have a task to resolve and a debt to repay while in this body. Each positive aspect, or a planet in its strong dignity, will speak of gifts we have gathered in previous lifetimes or through our family tree, whatever your chosen perspective.

The important thing to understand here is that there are no bad aspects or positions. Even though certain things can steal a lot of our energy, make us exhausted, depressed or weak, every challenge carries an enormous amount of energy released inside us once it is resolved. Fear of negative aspects simply means we have a lot left to learn, and we are not yet aware of the fact that we have already been living our challenges throughout our entire life.

(via Astrostyle)

Capricorn in 1st house

If someone’s Ascendant is set in the sign of Capricorn, they will be practical and turned to material issues and goals in life they feel they have to achieve. Depending on the positions of planets in this house and its ruler, they will be successful or challenged in their reach for a certain destination, defining whether or not they will be able to make a plan they can follow. This can be a sign that speaks of a heavy cross that needs to be carried, just as it can speak of a practical individual able to recognize the use in everything that happens in their life. Strong and stiff, these people often have a spasm to attend to, problems with their spine and bones, or their faith in God and their relation to religion. Their biggest challenge is to find understanding and compassion for those that are weak, overly sensitive or strongly emotional. Their ruler is Saturn.

(via Astrology Club)

Your sense of self is rooted in your ability to achieve your goals and ambitions. Your public and/or professional status and reputation are very important to you, and you do everything you can to present yourself as successful and accomplished as possible.

Tangible results are important to you, and you may find that you define yourself by your acquisition of such trophies as fame, fortune, authority, and/or elite status. Even if you don’t put them on public display yourself, you enjoy the confidence that comes with knowing that you have proof of having earned your status and stature.

The basic nature of Capricorn is to be conservative, reserved. It is known as the introvert sign of the zodiac. The karmic responsibility of Capricorn is the development of the personality that reflects its identification with the mainstream of life itself. The Capricorn personality must be one which creates a feeling of confidence by others.

Capricorn does represent entombment, the cave, and is indicative of the quality of Capricorn in which there is much kept within – there isn’t the extrovert quality. The Capricorn can resurrect itself by becoming more of an extrovert in life. There is a magnetism to the personality of Capricorn which invites people to turn to the Capricorn and unburden themselves. However, Capricorn tends to fence itself in, not allow others to intrude on the privacy of the Capricorn, the non-involvement aspect of the sign.

Uranus in 1st house

(via The Astro Codex)

Having Uranus in the 1st house makes a person rather eccentric; these people yearn for freedom and rebel against the stereotypes imposed by their society, religion, and traditions. They can become pioneers of great changes, and when assisted by other aspects they can have genius minds. Such individuals usually have turbulent lives full of unexpected events and are strongly interested in technology.

They have a natural curiosity about the progress in computers and electronics, and simply love getting involved with every new gadget that is produced. Many of them will get a lot deeper in gadgets; they will not only learn how to use them but also how to repair them. For them, the way that electricity, data and the internet function is of the most interesting things that exist.

Such natives appear eccentric to the masses, and this is usually amplified by the weird style and clothing that they choose for their appearance. Most of the times, the reason behind such a personal style is their conscious resistance to fashion and stereotypes. A first house Uranus living in a conservative society would have an extreme appearance; while when living in a society where the extreme is natural, they would choose to dress simply and conservatively. They do not care so much about putting taste in how he looks like; unless of course their natal Uranus is somehow connected with Venus.

Individuals with such a placement are rather aggressive and can have outbursts of anger when pressured or feeling jailed. They adore shocking the world around them; demolishing taboos and revolting is for them a hobby that even brings joy. They are drawn to the paranormal, and many of them either believe or research Astrology, the Occult and other schools of spiritual thoughts.

They care about the society and are frequently very altruistic. Their revolutionary character can lead them into politics; usually towards groups and parties that are against the system. Such a placement of Uranus creates the activist, and there are high possibilities of joining life-long causes in order to change the society. A person with Uranus in the 1st house should be careful not to become overly fanatic; there is a thin line between fighting for a change and getting into violent behaviors only for the sake of letting your inner anger explode.

First house Uranus natives adore company and fun; socializing in groups is one of their favorite things in life. Deep inside them, there might be a hidden solitude, as they know that their radical differences from all the others create barriers. Nevertheless, we are entering the epoch of Aquarius and the whole humanity is obtaining Uranian characteristics. The weirdos of the past will be the average human beings of tomorrow, so even if you don’t have such a placement in your chart, you will more or less evolve as if you have it. All of us will; it is the natural path of our human race.

(via Cafe Astrology)

Uranus in the first house alters the way an individual projects personal energies onto others. You are likely to seek, nay demand, freedom in the way you present yourself to the world. Dressing simply but quirkily, you will have no problems in asserting yourself. You are not shy in letting everyone know where you stand on issues. In fact you take pride in presenting your unique perspective. “I am a simple soul with few wants and needs,” is what you tell yourself. All you can feel is an altruistic desire to change the world! Friends and relatives probably find you a trifle erratic. They know you to be good-hearted and genuine about your feelings. Your passions rise fast and you lose interest at the same rate.

Neptune in 1st house

When Neptune is located in the first house of a native, its ethereal nature opens the gates of the other realms, making the person very sensitive to everything around them. They use osmosis for perceiving reality and is a very strong receptor, an antenna that can receive literally everything that is near his personal sphere (or even not near). This is a double-edged knife as it can give enormous abilities but also weakens their defense towards negative influences from their surroundings.

An important advice before we continue about the traits the mysterious planet can gift: people with such a placement should be very careful with drugs, alcohol and any substance that can furthermore blur their already liquid reality. Neptune itself is creating a personality that is stepping with only one leg to the ground, so misuse of substances might totally disconnect someone from the common reality. If Neptune is only positively aspected and shielded by strong planets, then experimenting will not harm the native but rather enhance their ability to understand the thin web of how the universe functions. Nevertheless, any usage should be under control and they should never allow themselves to get hooked on any kind of dependent substance. Individuals that have adverse aspects from Mars, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus should not even try to experiment. They are very prone to substance abuse, and such kind of behaviors might awaken/create mental illnesses and psychological problems.

The main characteristic that Neptune in the 1st house gives is magnetic and mysterious eyes. They are so different than most other eyes, that it is frequently easy to tell who has this placement. They look out-worldly, piercing and secretive; people with such a placement are some of the most difficult to be read through their eyes. You cannot understand when they are lying, and they do not betray what their mind is thinking that moment. Usually, they are green blue or gray, and they give a feeling as if the person is not looking at you in your eyes but rather focusing some centimeters behind them.

Such kind of people can have great abilities of hypnosis, their penetrative look can easily mesmerize. This ability is enhanced when Neptune is supported by trines or sextiles from Jupiter, Pluto, the Sun or the Moon. The light of each of these planets is reflected by Neptune and projected to the outer world, granting even more power in their gaze. Neptune acts as a mystical mirror; other people can easily perceive them as having any of these planets in the first house. Neptune is the planet of masquerade. No one can understand who exactly the person with Neptune in the 1st house is. Even more, the other people project themselves in the mirroring presence of such a native and tend to believe that he has the same characteristics as themselves.

Neptune is by no means the most stable planet. Having it in the house of Self can blur one’s goals. Such a native might not have concrete aims for his life, thus acting unreliably and preferring roaming around without a reason or a structured plan. This does not mean he does not enjoy it; it can create a very happy bohemian, a bon viveur, a flaneur of life. His life might be extremely interesting and full, yet without the stability that other people prefer to have around them. They usually have vivid dreams, many of which are prophetic. A lot of them can develop abilities of clairvoyance, however, with Neptune in the 1st house, these abilities might not be easily controlled and tamed. The planet is too misty to be fully understood, even astrologers have a hard time understanding its effects in a natal chart. Their childhood was floating in fantasies and they usually build their own fantasy world around them. If they have good writing abilities through other planets positions in their chart, they can become amazing fantasy/science/mystery fiction writers.

Natives with Neptune in the 1st house are often confused about their identity. They constantly daydream, can live inside book/series characters and even copy a lot of their characteristics. They have hard time establishing a self-definition; they actually do not care about it. Being fluid is something they like, and there are frequent changes in their personality. They are sponges with endless capacity, so their character is constantly evolving to something different. They will have a lot of spiritual experiences in their life, and many unexplained things will happen to them. As their gates of perception are more open than the rest of people, they attract supernatural phenomenas.

Individuals with Neptune in the 1st house should also be careful not to be hypnotized by mischievous people who can use them. As we already mentioned, their widely opened gates have less defense towards external influences. Also, they should diminish the feelings of guilt as much as possible; they tend to take on their back the guilt for anything bad happening in the world. In addition, they have a tendency of trying to become saviors or even martyrs for the others. If they keep low on these traits, they can save themselves from many trouble, as it will be a lot more difficult for other people to use them. Altruism is great, but one must always take care of himself instead of taking care of the others only. This way, they will indeed be able to help and serve others in a correct way.

When a first house Neptune has other people around him, they can easily understand others’ feelings. When entering a café, they can feel people’s thoughts, so it is necessary to keep away from places with negative energy or psychic vampires. Once every three or four days, it is wise to pass a day away from masses of people, to regenerate the personal energy and get cleaned from others’ psychic influences. This will help the person to also self-determine their existence because when he is frequently surrounded by masses his subconscious is overly-copying characteristics and patterns that are not his own.

Music is extremely important for people with Neptune in the 1st house, as well as anything artistic. Neptune in the first house does not grant some artistic ability by itself; he creates the appreciator of other’s art. People with such a placement can become great art critics. Their body needs more sleep than most other people; they tend to be weak of physical strength even if they have an athletic figure. In physical battles, they have the tendency to surrender or run, unless some strong planet like Mars or Pluto supports the passive Neptune. In addition, they are more prominent than others to develop confusing and rare chronic illnesses or to discover an illness that they already have.

(Via Cafe Astroogy)

Neptune’s position by house in the natal chart (that is, the house that Neptune occupies in the birth chart) reveals an area of life where we tend to ignore or avoid reality. We attach spirituality to the areas of life ruled by the house. Often, we chase dreams and illusions in these areas of life.

When trying to understand some of the effects of Neptune on the affairs of the house that Neptune occupies, it is helpful to think of the following example: if two people have decided to split the cost of an item, and that item is five dollars, what would they do if nobody had any coins? The Neptune person would insist on paying three dollars, and let the other person pay only two; and the Neptune person would insist that the other individual never pay him back. This is a simplistic example, but it is illustrative of the character of Neptune. Wherever Neptune is in your chart, that is where you cut others a better deal than you do yourself. This, obviously, doesn’t always have to do with material goods. You cut others slack, often at the your expense, in this area of life; you are trusting and idealistic.

You might express yourself artistically, and come across as gentle, sensitive, and dreamy, especially if Neptune is close to the Ascendant (within 10 degrees). You are extremely sensitive to your environment. Others tend to see whatever they want to see in you, and you thus can come across very differently to different people. You might tend to encourage this, even without knowing. Your appearance and mannerisms tend to be chameleon-like. You are a peace-loving person. While you don’t come on strong, you can be subtly alluring and intriguing. Others can be drawn to you and feel that you understand them. You can be moody and your first reaction to problems might be to escape or to feel sorry for yourself, or helpless. You may not feel a strong sense of identity and struggle with your own impressionability. Like a sponge, you absorb the moods of others. Your imagination is powerful. You have an easygoing manner – a “what will be, will be” approach to the world.

[lotusawareshare]

The Medication Roulette Debacle

As a person who has experienced the ins and outs of the mental illness systems, I can confidently say that the issue of mental illness and how medication applies is one that is rooted in deep systemic dysfunction. This is not so farfetched when you consider the main motivation of those running the mental health industry. It is important to analyze the intent of anything (be it person, industry, etc.) when trying to determine The Why of the way things are. As will become apparent if not already, I am a huge advocate for understanding the why in order to begin implementing desired changes.

In the case of the mental illness industry (yes, it is an industry), we first need to examine the intent of what they’re trying to accomplish - which in the case of most industries, is to generate profit. Why is this problematic for those of us trying to improve our mental health? Let’s look at the different cogs of the mental illness industry machine and how they fit together.

Who Runs The Game

When we consider who “the Boss” is in any given scenario of this wonderful biased-market-competition-impersonating-as-capitalist country we have, it is usually the person/people with the most resources and subsequently, power. In the case of mental health, we’ve got our market powerhouses - the Pharmaceutical Companies and the Healthcare Industry - here we will be focusing on the mental health end of healthcare, so this means inpatient/outpatient facilities and the people who run them.

For the next attraction we have your average ride on the mental health systems tour of horrors carousel. (For those who are not so interested in participating in my whimsical backdrop-painted story telling, feel free to skip to the next paragraph for the cut-to-the chase points.) It consists of spending 72 hours in a hospital psych ward. During these 72 hours, patients are isolated from family/loved ones so they’re alone and easier to harvest. Once the rounding psychiatrist has had a two to seven minute interview with the patient, it is then determined whether they will be released with the plan of follow-up at an outpatient program or psychiatrist or transferred to an inpatient facility for further harvesting. Those who do not have health insurance are more likely to be released home after the 72 hour period than those who do. (You connect the dots with that one, it’s not rocket science). Stays at your average inpatient clinic range from four days to two weeks, depending on how much shit your insurance is willing to cover. During your stay at this lovely negative-four star blood-sucking facility, you will meet a plethora of doctors and social workers, all the while, being heavily medicated to distract you from the organs they’re funneling into their pockets. As soon as they’ve got every last drop of money - I mean, blood, milked from you, you’re passed on to an outpatient facility for a longer, extended program (read: further harvesting) or what ever psychiatrist has got connections with the facility. The purpose here is to get as much as you can from every patient (read: victim) as quickly as possible. Oh, and you’ll be billed for this later.

The primary goal of the Pharma companies and inpatient/outpatient mental health facilities is, again, to turn a profit. As a business how do you ensure that occurs?

The number one way to guarantee the continuous influx of money is demand - there have to be consumers that want the product - in this case, medication and healthcare services. The mental illness market is a bit dicey to navigate because individuals who live with these mental health challenges are often vulnerable and struggling. Most of us don’t have in-depth, applicable knowledge of mental health simply because it is not something we are taught. The help we need is then outsourced to people in power who we believe can and want to help us “get better” - this would be our Psychiatrists. (Therapy is a part of the system as well but it does not directly influence the medication aspects, we will get to that at another time.) We give our trust to doctors in power to hold our well-being and healing as a priority. Now I am not saying by any means that all doctors are corrupt, profit-driven, money-mongers, but we do have to acknowledge that this field is their career-path and their livelihood.

The problem occurs when the motivation of these pseudo-psychiatrists is rooted in money rather than the well-being and recovery of patients.

Why Big Pharma & Pseudo-psychiatrists Control The Medication Market

Let’s examine this issue logically. If a company wants to make money, it is imperative to have a large consumer base and to make sure those consumers keep coming back for your services/products. Understanding this rationale shows us why the pharmaceutical and healthcare industries never address the underlying problems of mental illness. Medications are not a cure to any mental health issue - don’t get me wrong, it can help to treat the symptoms, but medication is not the quick-fix cure that it is strategically advertised and marketed to be. It is simply a bandaid. The key is to keep the patients coming back for more.

Before we go any further, let me first state that I am not a mental health professional and that my views are based on my experiences and personal research - what worked for me may not necessary work for another person. That being said, take from this any aspects that may be relative to you and leave the rest.

At one point in my journey with mental health, I was on a cocktail of eight different medications. This was after trying countless different brands, various types of medications - SSRIs, SNRIs, benzodiazepines, antipsychotics, SARIs, mood stabilizers. After three hospitalizations, completing numerous outpatient programs, 15 rounds of electroconvulsive therapy, and several years of playing medication roulette, I was struck with the realization that none of these things were actually helping the state of my mental wellbeing.

Every time I would attempt to discuss this with my psychiatrist, the answer was to switch up the meds. The medication was no longer helping, nor was it an effective bandaid for wounds that had been festering for years. I decided I wanted to get off my medication cocktail, and I was determined not be cajoled into another round of trying new medications. As with any new subject matter, my approach was to research the shit out of it. I did my research on how to safely taper off the various medications I was taking, and went to my biweekly scheduled appointment to present my plan and findings.

At this point I had already made up my mind that the medications’ adverse effects far outweighed its limited (and that’s being generous) benefits. What I wanted from my psychiatrist was her healthcare provider stamp of approval and her expertise and supervision of my decision. I had done my research, had a sound plan in place - all I needed now was the support to help me achieve my goal. My psychiatrist made it very clear that she did not agree with my decision (as is her right as a medical health professional). She even went so far as refusing to help me, stating that if I no longer wanted to be on medication, I would have to see another doctor.

That was the last appointment I had with a psychiatrist.

This interaction with my psychiatrist (and numerous others) is an exemplary portrait of how the mental illness industry seeks to keep consumers within their grasp. The thought process behind her refusal to advise me was likely - if this patient wants to stop taking medication, I will lose this patient (read: profit) anyway, may as well nip the problem in the bud, because then there is also plausible deniability if the patient gets off the medication and ends up hospitalized again or worse yet, dead. While I understand the covering-your-own-ass logic behind that action, refusing help to patients who want to get off their medications safely and responsibly is its own special kind of malpractice in my book.

Psychiatry’s Love Affair With Happy Pills Gone Wrong

In this country, we rely heavily on pharmaceuticals to treat various health conditions. There are many benefits to life-saving medications - I am not disputing that.

BUT, where it applies to mental health, medications more often than not, only mask the symptoms of the deeper issues in play.

Medications can be useful, IF used in conjunction with a combination of other therapies. The problem occurs when medication is used as a one-size-fits-all blanket solution to be “happy". Until we get to the point of medication therapy that is tailored to each individual’s biochemistry, it is incredibly inane to think that the medications we have now are suitable treatment for mental health conditions, especially because the nature of these conditions is highly variable from person to person.

The Problem With Diagnoses-Centered Treatment

Take an individual diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder for example, we’ll call her Jane. Jane has a history of childhood trauma and abuse, suffers panic attacks on a daily basis, and has a career she finds detestable and monotonous. Jane sees several healthcare professionals and is advised to try an antidepressant. Another individual, we’ll call him Dave, receives the same diagnoses and is put on the same antidepressant. Dave has a history of rheumatoid arthritis that negatively impacts his quality of life, a toxic marriage, and Dave’s mother has recently passed away.

Different events, especially those that cause stress and are closely tied to emotional response, will alter a person’s brain chemistry. No two people have the same brain chemistry, including identical twins. All the experiences we have continuously shape and change our brain development and all the complex biochemistry going on in there. When we look at the individual nature of each person’s experience and biology, it is impossible not to recognize the expectation that medications are going to work the same across the board as absolutely ludicrous and ineffective. We can go further and say that it is incredibly dangerous and possibly detrimental to prescribe medications like candy when we don’t know how they will effect each person.

In the case of Dave and Jane, it is sound logic to assume their issues are vastly different even though they have received the same diagnoses and medication. The medication may help Jane, but affect Dave in a negative manner. Jane may benefit greatly from medication used in conjunction with ongoing cognitive behavioral therapy. Dave however may find that therapy short-term to deal with the grieving process and a healthier lifestyle to help with his autoimmune disorder may be more effective.

The take-away from our imaginary case-study is that treatment that is tailored to the individual must be prioritized, rather than expecting a universal happy pill (or class of medications) to sufficiently heal a person’s mental state.

The Medication Trap

What does medication do? It alters the brain chemistry and the way our brains process these chemicals we have floating around.

The idea of taking medication can trick us into thinking “this will fix me/my problems/how I am feeling”. We then don’t take any further action to address the root cause of the problem because we are relying on medication to do the heavy lifting - when the medication is simply a tool to manage the symptoms, NOT a solution addressing the cause. That last bit, my friend, would be your responsibility to yourself.

We as a society too often outsource the responsibility for our well-being, physical and emotional, to other people and things. Of course there will be the need to consult professionals who specialize in certain fields, but it is important not to trust blindly and to be informed. If it is an area that you have limited knowledge in, then GET INFORMED. With the ease of obtaining information just one click, one finger-tap away, there are no more excuses people!

Mental health professionals can be crucial allies to have along the journey, but your discernment in what is right for you is crucial.

Illness Industry Over Culture of Health

The mental illness industry is a system that was supposedly designed to help people heal and yet, it has become so heavily corrupted with dysfunction and greed. Close friends who I hold near and dear to my heart who have gone through similar experiences are also baffled and outraged at the incongruence of the broadcasted intent, to heal, and the actual motivation, to capitalize and profit. There is nothing wrong with individuals in the field trying to be successful and make a living. However, we must acknowledge that there is something direly wrong with the system in place when a person/industry places their monetary success over the wellbeing of millions, and proceeds to masquerade as supporters of mental health, while capitalizing on our “illness” behind the scenes.

[ultramanismycopilot]

Team Galactic, Or, How I Learned To Stop Feeling And Love Nothing

Like many people, Pokémon represents a big chunk of my childhood. I was hooked from the moment I placed Pokémon Blue into my Gameboy, and to this day I still hold the franchise very close to my heart.

I’ve played at least one mainline game in every generation, and there are very few of them I’d ever call “bad” (some better than others, sure, but none ever dipping below the “good enough” line!).

The 7th Generation of Pokémon games was an interesting experiment, with Sun and Moon taking a much more character-driven focus to its story, as opposed to simply having a wafer-thin plot to fill in the gaps between Gym Leaders.

I can only speak for myself, of course, but I actually rather enjoyed SM for this. Lillie’s story was very interesting to me, and many were the times were I found myself very curious to see where it was headed. That’s not to say there weren’t flaws, obviously (a cutscene skip option would have been nice), and the story wasn’t exactly to the level of the majority of RPGs out there, but for what it was, I found it rather enjoyable.

This was, in no small part, due to its main villain Lusamine, who I’ve seen quite some fans call her the most complex Pokémon villain to date. And while I wouldn’t take away the fact Lusamine is a very interesting villain in her own right, I feel she has strong competition in terms of villainy in the Pokémon world.

Whoever your favorite villain in the entire series is, obviously, down to personal preference. This is just me gushing about a team and villain that I find to be remarkably fascinating for a Pokémon game, and who I believe to be one that gets somewhat misunderstood among the community.

So, with that (way too long) introduction out of the way, let’s talk about Team Galactic!

Team Galactic, for those unaware, is the main villainous team of Generation 4. Their goal, as understood by its Grunts, is the reinvention of the entire universe so that they would be in charge of everything and everyone. They masqueraded as a company devoted to studying alternate energy sources, but behind that lie there were dreams of not just planetary conquest, but of all reality.

This already places them quite a few steps above in terms of ambition from the team before them, and even those that came later. It’s not money they crave like the Rockets, and they’re certainly not doing this out of a misguided attempt at saving the environment like Aqua or Magma.

Galactic’s Grunts, however, could possibly be described as even dumber than any of those teams, and that’s no secret. Despite their lofty goals, Galactic Grunts are dumb as rocks, acting like no more than petty thugs and thieves and bringing plenty of unwanted attention towards their organization. As they are, their sole strength is in numbers, as the Grunts alone would be incapable of staging any of attacks seen throughout the course of the game.

As such, Team Galactic relies on its circle of Commanders to get things done: Saturn, Mars, Jupiter, and Charon (in Platinum). Unlike the Grunts, they manage to be somewhat of a bigger threat, but despite being smarter they still hold much of the same idea as Grunts in regards to their organization and what their goals are. There’s a few exceptions however: Saturn seems to be driven by curiosity; Mars seems to believe Team Galactic is doing the world a favor; Jupiter seems to only care about ruling over Sinnoh; and Charon is only in it for the money.

However, none of them, not even the Commanders, truly understood what their leader had in store, and what is real plans actually were. The man called Cyrus had plans far, far different from what his organization envisioned, and this is where the really interesting bits start to pop up.

Without beating around the bush any longer, Cyrus can be succinctly and quite accurately described in just two words: cult leader.

While Cyrus’s goals towards universal reset weren’t a secret to Team Galactic, what that actually entailed was. Cyrus brought in all of his followers with promises of power beyond their wildest dreams, and a chance to become greater than anything they every imagined. He’d rally them with passionate speeches  about their mission, and the impact that Team Galactic, not just himself, would have upon the planet:

Cyrus: Fellow members of Team Galactic! Hear me! My name, as I appear to you today, is Cyrus. This world of ours is a crude one. In a word, it is incomplete. It has been, and always will be, a struggle to survive in this world. We humans and Pokémon are likewise incomplete. Because we are all so lacking, we fight, we maim... It is ugly. I hate the incompleteness. That we are all incomplete, I hate it with my entire body and being. The world should be complete. The world must change. Then, who will change it? Me, Cyrus. And Team Galactic. Yes, all of you. Together we pored over myths and exposed their secrets. Together we captured legendary Pokémon. And now, Team Galactic has obtained the energy to change the world! The power of dreams is within our grasp! Understand it, fellow members! My long-held dreamworld is on the verge of becoming reality. All those headed to Mt. Coronet, and those who remain here... Though our missions may differ, our hearts beat as one. Let there be glory for Team Galactic!

This was the lie Cyrus told his followers, and while we only see this speech in the game, a post-game interaction with Saturn leaves enough implication this was a common tactic by Cyrus to get people to join him:

Saturn: Our leader, Master Cyrus, hated the very idea of spirit. He hated spirit for being incomplete. And yet, using fiery exhortations, he rallied the spirit of others. What he hated most, he used to control others. Isn't that ironic?

I’ll get to that last point later, but what Team Galactic didn’t realize was that Cyrus had no intention of allowing Team Galactic into his perfect world. Quite the contrary, Cyrus had no respect or use for his minions beyond them being the muscle that carried his plans:

Cyrus: You heard my speech, I take it. Snicker... A big lie, of course. It's true, insofar as my intention is to create a new world. But that world isn't for the likes of Team Galactic. I seek an entirely new world solely for myself. If not, it could never be the complete and perfect world. You've seen my minions of Team Galactic. You yourself must know that they are uniformly useless and incomplete.

Team Galactic were nothing more than pawns, and Cyrus knew this from the start. His entire organization was filled to the brim with morons, as morons don’t ask quite as many questions. But more than that, all members of Team Galactic go against Cyrus’s core belief: that spirit is at the core of life’s whole faults.

I think of one of the key points to try and understand Cyrus is his mention of “spirit”. This can mean many things depending on who you ask, but in Cyrus’s case, “spirit” can just as easily mean emotions and desires, if not the soul itself. Cyrus’s faith is that these things are at the root of all of life’s woes: it is the emotions that govern life that create the problems life faces. So, for example, anger begets violence; avarice begets lies and cheating; happiness and love cloud one’s judgment; etc.

Cyrus is a man who values logical thinking and judgment above all things, and his logical conclusion as to why bad things happen in the world is because “spirit” is the thing that blinds life to a perfect existence ruled solely by what is logical. To put it in even more simply: Cyrus wants everyone to be Vulcans.

It should be pointed out that Cyrus’s disdain of “spirit” isn’t only aimed towards the human spirit. He has plenty of hatred towards Pokémon as well. His struggle is against all life, rather than just a few portions of it.

But there lies a detail about Cyrus that I feel often gets overlooked, yet is why I find Cyrus to be one of the most interesting, if not complex, characters in the entire Pokémon franchise: Cyrus hates spirit not because he deems himself superior to it, but because he hates himself for being bound to it.

I think it’s a common misconception that Cyrus either wishes to become an all-powerful god or that he himself is already emotionless, when his character’s is more complicated than that. As far as Cyrus becoming a god is concerned, this is only the case in Diamond and Pearl, where the story takes a much different (and weaker, in my opinion) path. There isn’t much to Team Galactic there, and given how Dawn/Lucas meeting Giratina is mentioned in later games, I doubt they’re meant to be canon.

Platinum is where the real story lies, and where I think Cyrus stands in the canon proper. And in Platinum, while Cyrus certainly loves to brag about how he has left behind emotion and sentimentality to become a cold and logical machine, the story is set up to prove this is not the case. Cyrus is just as much a victim of the thing he hates, and this is what drives him above all else. This is the side of Cyrus we see when he gets transported to the Distortion World, and all of his plans start to unravel before his eyes:

Cynthia: ...The places we are born. The time we spend living... The languages we speak... We are all different. But the presence of Pokémon unites us. We share our lives with our Pokémon and our happiness grows as we all become greater than we were alone. That is why we can battle and trade with anyone we choose...

Cyrus: Silence! Enough of your blathering! That's how you justify spirit as something worthwhile?! That is merely humans hoping, deluding themselves that they are happy and safe! The emotions roiling inside me... Rage, hatred, frustration... These ugly emotions arise because of my own incomplete spirit!

This is what separates Cyrus from someone like Ghetsis (who took many inspiration from Cyrus’s plan): Cyrus, ultimately, hates himself just as much as he hates everyone he’s fighting against. He doesn’t want a new world to rule over it as the most perfect being, but instead so he can fix his own flaws and become perfect alongside the rest of the universe.

It is important to note that at no point in Platinum does Cyrus ever make the claim he wishes to rule the world. All of his lines are in relation to changing the world, and turn into a better place:

Cyrus: My aim is to rid our world of the vague and incomplete thing we call spirit. By freeing ourselves of that, our world can be made complete. That is my justice! No one can interfere!

Cyrus doesn’t believe what he’s doing is a bad thing. More than that, he doesn’t think he’s doing it just for his own sake. In his mind, he’s doing everyone a favor by imposing his will and removing all emotion from existence. His introductory line isn’t a lie at all to him:

Cyrus: My name is Cyrus. I want to put an end to pointless strife and hostility.

He’s a man with an incredibly twisted, yet still at its core noble, goal. Someone who wanted to end all strife by causing strife; who used emotions to end emotions, and whose goals began because he felt so strongly about his creed. Cyrus himself is the very thing he hates, as he became the cause of the same strife he championed against by falling victim to the same emotions he fought against. As Saturn put it: “Isn’t that ironic?”

Another common misconception (one sadly perpetuated by the Generations youtube series) is that Cyrus got what he wanted in the end. Ending up in the Distortion World, he was finally in a world free of spirit. This is not the case, as Cyrus has no intentions or desire to remain alone, as the game pointed out:

Cynthia: Why do you seek to change the world? If you hate our world you should just go off somewhere alone. Find somewhere where you can live without seeing others.

Cyrus: Why should I run and hide from the world and have to wait quietly? My aim is to rid our world of the vague and incomplete thing we call spirit. By freeing ourselves of that, our world can be made complete. That is my justice! No one can interfere!

Cyrus quest isn’t one for solitude. He has an enemy, and no reason to stop his goals as long as that enemy exists. After all, what’s to stop another megalomaniac villain to rise up and begins tampering with the fabric of the universe? The Distortion World isn’t immune to this, meaning even if it was his perfect world, it isn’t safe from the effects spirit has on those in the “real” world.

Cyrus is a man obsessed, and more likely than not, one that has plunged too deeply into the madness of his beliefs. This is why the ending to Platinum rings harder in my mind, and Cyrus himself sticks out as a fantastic villain in my eyes, not just in Pokémon, but just in general. Unlike Giovanni, he doesn’t choose to reform and study Pokémon. Unlike Archie and Maxie, he doesn’t see the error of his ways. Unlike Ghetsis, he doesn’t break down and gets captured. Unlike Lysandre, he isn’t presumed dead, and unlike Lusamine, he wasn’t under the influence of an otherworldly creature.

Cyrus leaves the story the same man he started it. His mentality remained exactly the same, as well as his goals. He had no intention to stop, no intention to redeem himself, and no intention to ever admit he may have been wrong. Instead, Cyrus exits the scene with a (as-of-yet unfulfilled) promise:

Cyrus: I will break the secrets of the world. With that knowledge, I will create my own complete and perfect world. One day, you will awaken to a world of my creation. A world without spirit.

(Thank you very much if you’ve stuck with this post this far!)

[trewhitttesean1992]

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