#emotionally I panicked and made a new blog

[nonbinari-mendoza]

-

[seeds-and-sins]

Light My Fire - Part Eight

Pairing: Ben "Soldier Boy" x Reader

Rating: M (Crude Language, Curse Words, Sexism, minor references to sex, WARNING: talks about death and self-harm)

Description: Phoenix tries to rectify the missing pieces within herself, but she struggles to figure out how.

Tagged: @tonixe@chernayawidow , @deans-spinster-witchs-favorites, @ophennie@virgoelf-blog , @my-obsession-spn, @capricxnt @demodemo909 @boywivlove

Song: Gypsy - Fleetwood Mac

"FUCK!" Homelander yelled, the tv remote broke in his closed fist. One of the flat screen televisions in the meeting room was set to channel 8 and Starlight was all over the news. Her little video had gone viral, her resignation given, Homelander thrown under the bus, this was all out war. Homelander was fuming, Ashley was gnawing her nails down to the skin, the Deep was posted at one of the chairs around the table, Agnes was sitting a few seats down from him sipping on a cup of coffee.

And you were standing there, arms crossed, staring blankly at the screen.

You were so tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from everything. Just from living really.

When was the last time you slept again?

"Okay!" Ashley squealed, "We'll fix this. We'll fix this. Please. Oh my god! Fuck!" Your eyes slid shut, her panicking died in your ears, the world silenced for a moment.

"Phoenix!" Your eyes shot open, Homelander was staring at you with a look of desperation plastered on his face. "What do we do?" Your hands tightened around your biceps and your teeth dug into your bottom lip. What do we do? More importantly, what should be done?

"We don't have time to worry about Starlight." Your voice came out hoarse, in a low whisper. The room fell quiet. "She has a loyal fan base, but they aren't as loyal as our people. I wouldn't worry about her." Homelander nodded virgorously, licking his lips. The desperation in his boyish eyes faded and what replaced it was a sharp coldness.

"You're right. We've got to find Soldier Boy."

"But we need to make a statement!" Ashley's shrill made you roll your eyes.

"Go take a fuckin' Xanax, Ashley!" You commanded, holding up an admonishing finger. Ashley's lips shut with a resounding pop and she straightened, fear crawled up her spine and glued her to the floor. "I'll talk. I know how to charm a crowd. It'll put this off until we can get shit under control." Your command came out more as a question, Homelander's jaw flicked from side to side before he nodded. "Come on Agnes." The older woman rose from the table without protest, following after your quick strides with a waddle of her own.

...

"Good Evening!" You crowned your fingers and propped them up on the podium. "I appreciate you all being here for this impromptu press conference. Given the situation, I'm sure you know there are a few things that Vought needs to address."

"Where's Homelander?" A journalist shouted from the crowd, flapping his hand above the sea of heads to get Phoenix's attention.

"Homelander is off handling more important matters." The crowd broke out in shouted questions and mixed words, journalists reaching over eachother as they attempted to flag you down. You begrudgingly pointed at a woman in the front row.

"Isn't this important? Starlight has resigned? What is the future of the Seven? Why are you up there when you're not even on the team?" It went silent as everyone waited for a response, or rather, a staccato of responses to answer a staccato of questions. You paused, thought about the significance of your next words, what they would mean. You found a camera and stared into it.

"I want to make myself very clear..." Your voice penetrated the air, the room was thick with the tone that every syllable carried. "Starlight isn't a priority. Everyday Homelander, I, and many other heroes are trying to keep you all safe. We fought overseas so that the super villain threat could be contained. I underestimated the enemy and now the super villain threat is here. Us heroes need to be doing our jobs, not starting petty battles over social media. If Starlight wants to play her games and spread her lies, slander us, she is welcome to do so. But Homelander and I are going to focus on what is important: your safety, your lives."

An intense stillness blanketed the crowd, a few camera flashes. One journalist had the gull to raise their hand, when no one else would, not after a speech like that.

"What are your thoughts on the deathes of the TNT twins? Your former colleagues?"

Good. I'm glad they're dead.

"And your friend? Crimson Countess?" Your head tilted to the other voice, you swallowed and looked down at your fingers.

"Countess wasn't my friend, and neither were the Twins." You shook your head. "Not anymore at least. Not when they turned their backs on..." You paused. Me. -- Ben. "On you. The people. Some of the strongest heroes I knew for their time, and only Noir and I remain. The others worried about their luxury condos, their ratings, movie deals, royalties. None of them cared about what really matters. I don't mourn them. I don't think I ever will."

"But what of Soldier Boy? You were there when he died, did you mourn him?"

"I-" You had to take a deep breath, the emotions that swelled in you had nearly knocked you off your feet. You cleared your throat and held back tears. "I did. I do."

Soldier Boy was still dead to you.

"Soldier Boy died so that all of us could live."

...

 🎶 So I'm back to the velvet underground.  🎶 

 🎶 Back to the floor that I love... 🎶 

Three Xanax, two blunts-going on three-and half a bottle of whiskey later, you found yourself laying on your bed in a mess of comforter and pillows. Your suit was discarded somewhere, leaving you down to nothing but your underwear. And you were just laying there, staring up at the ceiling as you smoked from a blunt and sipped from a bronze filled glass. Your record player sung in the background, mellowing out your already distant mood.

 🎶 To a room with some lace and paper flowers 🎶 

 🎶 Back to the gypsy that I was 🎶 

 🎶 To the gypsy that I was... 🎶 

What did you have?

John?

He kept you around as an extension of himself rather than as someone he cared for. You were the arms of his authority, fingers curled around your enemies with a vice grip. In reverse, he was a reflection of you in many ways, uncaring, erratic, impulsive. You knew he didn't care about you. Not truly. You weren't sure he was capable of it. Maybe with some admiration, some approval, but love was a distant thought in John's head. He only ever craved it from others. And you were more than able to provide in the past, giving pieces of yourself to John without a second thought. Now you had no more pieces left to give.

 🎶 And it all comes down to you. 🎶 

 🎶 And you know that it does when. 🎶 

 🎶 Lightening strikes maybe once maybe twice. 🎶 

Your fans?

You would rather burn them all alive, throw them in a furnace and walk away. They didn't love you. They loved the image of yourself that you fronted, but they didn't know you.

 🎶 Oh and it lights up the night. 🎶 

 🎶 And you see your gypsy (ohh, ohh) 🎶 

 🎶 You see your gypsy. 🎶 

You?

That was all you had. Herodom was a quiet life, a lonely one. But it was never about saving people or doing some good in the world. As much as Starlight thought she was making a difference, the world would never change. There would always be criminals. There would always be greedy politicans and corrupt agents of the law. The world was cold and callous and it never retreated.

And you had nothing.

You were a victim of the chaos. Vought took you in, molded you into something vile and morbid, tossed you around in a bag of salt, and hurled you into the world for their own profit.

You were an experiment.

Your lips wrapped around the end of your blunt and you took a drag. Smoke flowed from your nostrils, it floated up toward the high ceiling and you watched it swirl until it faded completely.

Your head drooped to the side and your face wrinkled as if you were about to cry, before you suppressed that urge.

 🎶 To the gypsy that remains. 🎶 

 🎶 Faces freedom, with a little fear. 🎶 

 🎶 I have no fear, and have only love. 🎶 

 🎶 And if I was a child and the child was enough. 🎶 

 🎶 Enough for me to love. 🎶 

 🎶 Enough to love. 🎶 

Through a blurry haze, your half lidded eyes spotted a figure at the open double doors leading into your bedroom. You shifted a little, squinted, then slowly sat upright.

"Ben?"

He was dressed in his full suit, arms straight at his sides.

"Hello, hot stuff." He answered casually, stepping closer. He sent you a boyish smile that reminded you of his older self, all cocky, all confident, all play, no work.

"What are you-" The blunt dropped from your hand, hitting the marble floor. "What are you doing here?" His eyes darted down your body, hovering over your naked torso a little longer than necessary before raising back to your face.

"You didn't need me?" You dropped your head, a firm hand cupped on your jaw, the touch burned into your skin and your gaze was being directed back to Ben. He felt so real. He felt solid. He felt tangible.

 🎶 She is dancing away from you now (Oooh). 🎶 

 🎶 She was just a wish, she was just a wish (ooh, ooh). 🎶 

 🎶 And her memory is all that is left for you now. 🎶 

"Am I hallucinating?" Your palms rested gently on his chest, Ben's thumb scaled your cheek and he sighed.

"No."

 🎶 You see you're a gypsy. 🎶 

"This is a dream, sweetheart."

"Of course it is," You sniffled.

"You wouldn't be able to hallucinate, even if you wanted." Another voice chimed and when you glanced over, it was Vogelbaum. "Your body can't sustain the affects of foreign substances long enough for that to happen." He was in a bloodied labcoat and his words were slightly muffled through a gas mask. Your expression lit up with panic and your head was being yanked back by Soldier Boy's hand.

"Don't pay attention to that piece of shit." Soldier Boy drew you closer with his other hand at your hip. "Just look at me."

"Why is this happening? Why am I dreaming about this?" You whispered, Ben's hand moved to cradle the back of your head.

"Because I'm the answer." You blinked at him, then tiredly moved into his body. Your arms wrapped around him and you hugged him. Ben enveloped you in return, his strong and bulky arms holding you close...

"You even smell real."

"That's what happens when you smoke a lot of dope."

"Also, the cannabis you were smoking no doubt contained traces of LSD." Vogelbaum again. You squeezed your eyes shut and Soldier Boy grunted when your arms tightened around him.

"Can he just shut up for fucks sake?" Soldier Boy inhaled deeply and he exhaled with a sigh.

"You want my advice?"

"Not really." He grabbed your shoulders and drew you away at arm's length.

"Sometimes you gotta take life by the balls, kid." You blinked at him, your head sinking toward your chest. Soldier Boy rolled his eyes before grabbing under your chin and lifting your head again. "Remember back in the day. We didn't let anybody get in our way. We owned this fuckin' place."

"Oh no." You breathed, your palms rose to your cheeks and Soldier Boy relinquished his hold on you so you could pace away from him. "It's happening. This is it. I'm having the worst mental breakdown of my life. I'm going to destroy the world."

"Only in theory." Vogelbaum piped in again, "Theoretically your body can reach temperatures bordering that of the sun and in that instance-" Soldier Boy's shield came hurtling toward him out of nowhere. The Scientist disappeared in a puff of smoke before the metal could touch him.

"I hate that guy." Soldier Boy's head tilted as he considered you. "Listen..." He emphasized with raised hands. "The only person who understands you right now is me." He stepped toward you, and you hunched in on yourself in defeat."You have me. I'm your answer."

"You're also a figment of my imagination."

"Nah, honey, I'm out there. I'm alive. Come find me."

"You want me dead out there." Soldier Boy's lips quirked up in a handsome smirk and he shook his head.

"But, sweetheart, I don't."

...

When your eyes opened, they opened slowly, the blunt had burnt out in your bed sheet and your body was sprawled out across the bed in all different directions. You blinked at the ceiling, thinking about your dream, thinking about him. The thought left a gross taste in your mouth, your stomach jumped and a weight settled in your chest.

Gosh, you wanted to die sometimes, didn't you?

What was this? What were you doing here?

Why don't you just leave and give all this up? Just like you always wanted.

Because you can't.

You were tired.

It took a few minutes of blank staring before you rose from your bed and travelled out of your room.

"God help me!" You heard a voice exclaim as you entered into the living room. It was Agnes. She made an effort to cover her gaze from your nude figure. And after all these years, she still hadn't gotten used to your ways. You squinted at her, stumbling toward the onset of the kitchen.

"What are you doing here? I told you to leave." Agnes nervously clenched and unclenched her fingers, finally lowering her hand to look at you. Your eyes connected, Agnus' wrinkles creased with a furrowed brow, with concern.

"Homelander wanted me to stay. He's worried about you." You groaned, pouring yourself another glass of whiskey and downing it back with a wince.

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." You poured the next glass, sipping from it as you held Agnus' expectant gaze.

"John just wants to make sure I'm on his side." You replied in a dull tone, hunching over the countertop.

"Are you?" You didn't respond. Not immediately. Your eyes flitted around the penthouse and you took in the expanse of space that had been your home for decades.

"Maybe I don't want to be on a side anymore, Agnes." You placed your glass down and stalked over to a wall that held various photos and movie posters and memories from the old days. You scanned each photo, as you had hundreds of times, with a trained eye.

"Please. Tell me what's wrong."

"Everything I do, it doesn't matter." Your eyes paused on a familiar face, and you felt a sadness engulf the entirety of your heart.

He was so good to you. Always trying to comfort you. Always at your side when you needed him.

"Do ya'maybe want to talk about it?"

"No."

You would go find him. That was final. You were sure of it. Screw everyone else. This man. He would be the one you went to. He was the one you needed. He would tell you what you needed to do and he would be genuine. Above all. He would be genuine.

"I'm heading out for a little bit, Agnes. Alone." You took quick steps toward your room.

"Wait, wh-where are you going? Homelander told me to watch you." You didn't respond, turning to close the double doors into your bedroom. At the last glimpse between the cracks, you saw her plop onto the couch with exasperation.

[clocked-in-jester]

"What's it gonna be, captain sire?"

🐇🃏Hello, ello, ello~! My name is Torpe Soljest, Tor or Toto if you prefer! I'm a Heartslabyul freshman (1C) and go by hehim!

BEFORE You interact with my cute little blog:

♡The Usual DNI list, be nice. Don't be a dick!

♡Sexual jokes are fine, but nothing overly NSFW ofc

♡I can be a little slow when replying! Studying is of utmost importance after all (and so is relaxing in my bed!)

♡Communication is important! Please lmk if anything is wrong!

♡If you're a handsome fella interested in me, well, let's see if we hit it off first, then talk it over some tea!

ALSO ◇ If you want me to think up of an outfit, shoot me a lil message! I don't bite, and I'm happy to serve anyone and anything. Once you send your request, I'll look it over and see if I can sketch something up for you, captain sire!

♡ • ◇ • ♡ • ◇ • ♡ • ◇ • ♡• ◇

(HELLO! Mod here :]] Clockmod / 🕰 mod will be responding in () parentheses with the clock emoji.

I go by he/him as well, I will rarely speak here as myself anyways ehe. Feel free to say if anything in rp feels wrong or if you want to drop it, I'd always appreciate a headsup! I'm new to tumblr rp so there's that warning as well haha :DD

☆Im a new tumblr roleplayer, so it isn't smooth sailing! Also, I try to make Torpe rhyme whenever he's able too (ie. Not emotionally distressed, panicked, or down!)

Im a multishipper too! Any serious relationships made with this blog are simply for Torpe the character. Let us roleplayers stay friends and acquaintances!

May we have a lovely chat, captain sire!)

REFERENCE FOR TORPE'S LOOKS VVVV

TAGS;

clockmod here - Clockmod talking

bunny jester rambles - Torpe talkes to himself / into the void basically!

bunny jester art - Art! Art! :DDD thats it

[blindrapture]

july 14.

Fears. there are many. you won't believe how many. Act 2 introduces to the ensemble of villains, though whether it truly introduces us to all of them is something you'll just have to wait and see. .........no, the answer is no, it introduces us to less than half of them. rapture's a big story, you know that by now. there's a lot of villains, they're not all Fears.

they won't all receive Art, though yes that would have been cool. some of them are like the Ruin (rapture's take on The Cold Boy), who didn't have much of a role in the original story but is at least getting a second try now. and some of them are like the Ecclesiarchway (y'know, the Archangel), who had a big role but only got, like, the one piece of rapture art. that art went to the July 8th log, if you'll recall.

Fears are cool, though. if you're reading this and you have no idea what I'm talking about, because the Fear Mythos is not actually the widespread corner of pop culture I think it is, then explaining them isn't gonna be hard. you know the slender man. I did a whole ramble about him as an example of Internet Fiction on June 23rd. he was a collective writing project. some people made Images about him, some people wrote stories (Blogs) about him, some people made videos (Vlogs) about him. well, in 2011 some other people wanted to do that but with more monsters. the blog format was good enough to warrant some more damn subject matter. and those "more monsters" were the Fears. there were too many Fears to list here. in Rapture I tried to incorporate all of them, up to a point. eventually I did stop incorporating the new ones, though in the Final Draft I threw in more references.... dammit it doesn't matter. the point is horror monsters. Rapture is fundamentally informed by an awareness of blog fiction, which usually is in the genre of lite cosmic horror. there, now you know what the Fears are. and EAT was a Fear I made. good, we're on the same page.

and clearly, if we lived in a world where all the cryptids were real and talked to each other, and then the sky turned red and all hell broke loose, then we would expect to see days like today, where the Fears just leap on whole crowds of people and try to cause some carnage.

you gotta understand. the Fears are from a genre that is entirely horror, all the way through. and I am not someone who holds horror as sacred. so in Rapture I wanted the Fears to be vulnerable, emotional, petty panicking people. I wanted the Fears to get talked back to, and for them to just have to take that. I wanted the Fears to make mistakes, funny mistakes, and compelling mistakes. I wanted a story that could go beyond found-footage lite-cosmic-horror. hell, I wanted to show, or remind, Internet Horror writers that there are in fact ways to write something scary that require not sticking to any one genre.

what kind of scary is Giygas? can we honestly call Earthbound a horror story? no, dammit. Earthbound is 100% not horror. it's closest in genre to a road novel, actually. its focus is the vibes of a world that you choose to find connection in. if you allow yourself to get compelled, then it will take you on a rollercoaster that no video game had heretofore prepared you for. the comedy comes from specific places, and your worry for the well-being of characters comes from specific places too. the horror almost seems camp for most of the experience. it's only after Stonehenge that the game stops holding up a smile for long enough that you start to reconsider what to expect from the final area. (and if you have never seen the last stretch of Earthbound before somehow, then. check it out. find a way to sit with it, take in the vibes, the soundtrack. and then get your teeth kicked in, emotionally, by that final boss.) Earthbound is the kind of thing I think about when I consider the forms of horror that The Horror Genre manages to lack (by virtue of insisting on being a genre). Earthbound changes genre, and it does so after letting you get engaged for a good 30 hours. it's not really about the exact length of time, or the proportions of the story. this isn't a bunch of ingredients in a pot that stir the right way to make the perfect story. it's entirely about expectation, and the more complicated forms of expectation that come from being committed to a story over a long period of time. making art is like being a magician.

and so, on this subject, I also think of Mother 3. in fact I tend to think of Mother 3 far more often than I ever think about Earthbound. Mother 3 is.. more of a horror story, but it still doesn't feel like one, because it still isn't one. Mother 3 is a family drama. it does have a section that goes for a road novel, and it has another section that goes for.... I mean, god, what would you call chapter 7, it's a change in video game narrative genre and that's hard to translate into a more broad talk. "adventure." sure. the scope of the narrative opens up into a broad and serious adventure. but then the scope gradually closes back up afterward, and the story ends on a pure family drama, and it does so famously. Mother 3 is a game of fucking tears, hard tears. it's literally impossible to play the game and not cry like a baby. no one has done it. there's still a lot of fear in all this. but I think "fear" is a good word here. there isn't any horror in these games, but there is fear. fear can fit into narratives that horror can't. and I am much more interested, myself, in fear than in horror.

so it's not an accident that I'm the one who named us "the Fear Mythos." once people were calling the monsters "Fears," I latched onto that word and thought it was enough. I still think it's enough. when I'm rewriting Rapture, when I'm working on Rapture, I'm doing so with pride in this being a Fear story, and I'm doing so with the commitment to make this story worthy of what that word means to me.

fear, not necessarily horror.

though Rapture also is not a Mother game. Rapture does have horror in it. it usually doesn't happen to Jordan himself, but he is the witness of a lot of horror, a lot of fates worse than death, and a lot of intense heartbreaking drama. just, what I'm saying to you here is Rapture has one foot in horror by necessity, and then its other foot is in my childhood. the things I grew up with. and the things that happened to me as I grew up, the worries I developed, the fears that my brain had to process into mere aversions and.. drama. Rapture is my drama. that's its genre. it is not committed to being a comedy, nor a horror, though it has fun playing with both. it is committed to being a drama.

I definitely got off track with this ramble, but I decided instead to talk about other general subjects that a compelled reader would need to pick up on. today's log has the Ruin do something notable that was not in any previous draft. it brings on a vision for Jordan, the contents of which are alarming, raise some questions. another genre has been introduced now. this one is the riskiest. you'll have to wait and see what I'm choosing to do with it. (and I will too.)

I'm gonna leave you with a link to some music. here's a youtube playlist. it's called "rapturework." it's what I listened to while I wrote Act 2. I actually made a point not to include prog, and not to include any songs longer than a few minutes (though there's still a prog song in there, and one or two songs in the 15-minute range, but none of them are what you'd expect). this playlist may clarify some vibes and influences. and plus you may just be curious about what I consider to be "music to write to."

alright. I said some words.

see you tomorrow.

[neathdarkwcters]

🧃 wed - sun, aug 14 - 18 / i decided to condense the final 5 of my productivity challenge before classes start (i'll be starting sentinel's academic weapon challenge tomorrow) due to how much i'd been working & to reflect on a huge upset to my system: my chromebook stopped turning on.

my days working move-in for dorms was fine. i felt like i was waiting for something to happen as i'm much more used to being one person doing 2 or 3 jobs. i neglected to take a lunch break because i was feeling so overwhelmingly bored and like i wasn't working, a choice i don't think i'll ever make again. i'm hoping with the semester finally starting, i'll have work to fill my downtime. i found myself staring at the door or browsing the school subreddit alot.

i finally tried turning on my chromebook to fill the 30 minutes i had left planning next week and it would not turn on. i panicked because i knew i charged it. i plugged it in when i got home and discovered, yes, it says it's fully charged but still won't turn on. i took it to my local tech repair place to have it looked at on saturday and still haven't heard back. the whole thing has thrown me for a loop - it's my no1 tech piece i use for school. i spent saturday more or less in a rot, and only got up around noon today.

i got into a deep focus doing my chores i'd neglected on Saturday. i plan to practice my DBT at least once a week, as it seems this distress i can't change has still shook me pretty badly. i must remember i have a desktop at home i can use, a phone, and i can rent laptops at school. i can probably survive a week without my chromebook even if i HATE it, and my fafsa award can go towards the repairs for it. i must remember: i'm fine.

in much much better news, my university updated the website we use to view grades. it's so much easier to find my GPA now! one of my big goals in starting this blog was to use it as an accountability tool to raise my cumulative GPA to 3.0. i'm quite close, though it's still an incredibly ambitious goal due to where i'm starting from. it will take very carefully regulating myself emotionally as well as using my time wisely, but i'm committed. i cleaned everything in my house today, made cookies, and after this post i'm going to start making lunch for my first day at school tomorrow!

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

HOLY SHIT I FUCKING FOUND IT.

THANK AZAR

I have spent approximately the past 60 hours trying to find Srentha's old blog. It had so many silly and fun RPs and a lot of character building stuff!

I THOUGHT I remembered remaking his blog (the one that's a sideblog to this account), renaming the old blog so I could give the New Blog the Same URL, but I couldn't remember Exactly how I'd changed the old blog's url.

I originally thought it was just a sideblog of my old personal account, but I logged in and looked at the sideblog list and nearly panicked when I couldn't find it there. (Apparently I in fact have 3 emlog blogs, though??? Should probably consolidate those someday.)

Then I remembered that, way back then, a full decade ago, I had originally made Dove and Srentha's blogs as their own accounts! So I tried to log in to his!

It took me approximately 24 hours of scrounging around in my memories to remember what I used as "his" email address and password.

(It had been 3 days of Desperately Trying to Find This Blog, so the story gets even longer and even more frustrating.)

Then, when I finally remembered I made HIS OWN EMAIL ADDRESS, and what I THOUGHT I remembered the password (I swear to Azar, I had made it the same format as Dove's password, just altering the number and the name), Tumblr wouldn't let me log in without a verification email.

Problem is, Yahoo also wouldn't let me log in to his email. Even though, 10 years later, I still remember what his ID and password were because they were so Pretty and Poetic and Distinctive that they stuck out in my memory. So I couldn't find the URL by simply logging in to the account.

(Also, I "coded" the Yahoo Security Verification Question Answers for his account. Which was a stupid thing to do because then I had to Play Detective because I forgot how I'd coded them. One of them was "Where did you meet your spouse?" And I was like, that's Dove! That's Azarath, duh! Except that wasn't it. I had invented Seranath by then; maybe that's what I used? But no. It took me approximately 3 hours and several attempts using various capitalization techniques in case it was cAsE sEnSiVe to remember I had simply called it, "home." But then it asked me "What was your first pet's name?" SRENTHA'S BIRD HAS HAD SO MANY NAMES OVER THE YEARS. Fuck if I know which one I used! I tried Janellera, Sheera, and Sieara in case I used Dove's, but then it locked me out. Bleh. I might have used Survivor, which is what his name was meant to mean. But Yahoo wouldn't let me try again.)

So just as I was about to make an act of desperation: attempt reaching out to friends who had RP'd with him to see if they still had access to any posts his old blog may have liked/reblogged and maybe The Notes Section would show me His Current URL, I remembered something crucial.

After this blog/account became my Permanent Residence, I went to check my old blog and couldn't find it. Which was Distressing, don't get me wrong. But I quickly found out Tumblr changes the URLs of blogs on old, inactive accounts (ones that aren't Fully Deleted, just unused for a period of time) by adding "-blog" at the end of the URL.

So, fairly quivering with desperation and hope, I tried that. His regular, default, years-long URL.... with "-blog" at the end.

And it came right up!

It loaded beautifully! It's all there! The old patchwork theme with silly fun pictures and all the RPs I remembered and then some, and headcanons lists I don't even remember filling out! Everything I hoped to find and more!

(If you're curious, it's at @highpriest-in-training-blog. There's a lot of Random Fun and RP Fun to go around there, but I can't log into his account At All, so it won't ever be updated, unfortunately.)

I'm so incredibly relieved, you have No Idea. It really shouldn't have been this frustrating to try logging into something WHEN I KNOW THE EMAIL AND PASSWORD! But it WAS.

But now I'm just so relieved I'm a bit emotionally exhausted. Whew,

[ask-a-paternal-cryptid]

We're back baby!

I lost the plot and therefore motivation on this blog like years ago but I recently read back through and wrote out some better anchorpoints to guide it along! I'm determined now to not let this become another ghostblog

So, here is all the important points that have happened so far to best ground where we are! (If you're new to the blog I reccomend reading the whole blog through anyway as it has more description and interactions and fun stuff, this is more a refresher)

Part 1:

-Patton is a mysterious cryptid who lives in a national park.

-He eats the hearts of animals, getting his energy and nutrition from their emotions at their time of death, so it is in his best interest to catch them unaware and kill swiftly

-He has strong feelings about the circle of life, to a spiritual extent

-He is preparing for hibernation, as it is autumn, and his food stores are low, he needs either an impossible amount of animal hearts, or some sort of nutrient-dense emotionally complex energy source (incredibly, this is available in the form of human hearts, though he finds it too risky to enter civilization to find these)

-Three humans who appear to be lost wander near his cave and approach a bait picnic he left for critters

-Asks can now be heard by him through various silver birds that only he can understand, he is curious but generally unperturbed

Fig1:

Part 2

-Patton disguises himself as a human and approaches the group

Fig2:

-virgil is apprehensive, logan understands that they need help and have no choice but to seek it from Patton

-Roman is given water and Patton offers hospitality

-Patton convinces the group to stay the night, askers bring gifts for the humans and they have a nice night over a bonfire before bed

Part 3

-askers try to lure virgil to Patton's undisguised form overnight but fail, as the humans cannot understand asks linguistically, they appear as oddly behaving birds

-askers instead get into a moral debate with Patton over his plans, causing him to have an audible outburst which attracts virgil

-a panicked confrontation occurs for both sides, patton impulsively knocks virgil unconcious

-Roman is alerted by the askers and brought to Patton who subsequently knocks him out as well

-Logan is awoken by the screams and is able to confront Patton and initiate a back and forth. Now that he is aware of the situation regarding Patton, he begins to understand the askers.

-logan is told Patton's plans and a struggle ensues, patton restrains logan and ties up all three humans

Part 4

-All humans awake with the ability to understand askers

-breakfast is provided and wounds are tended to, patron attempts to explain himself and smooth things over, with, expectedly, little success, but some nerves are calmed

-differing philosophies on death are exchanged between the group and Patton and askers

-they come to a compromise to be open minded to one another's views, the humans benefiting by the hope that they may survive, and Patton benefitting because he needs to rebuild trust

-a plan is made for Patton to take them hunting that day to give them a hands-on lesson on his beliefs

Part 5

-the askers (finally) discover they can look for outside help, and discover Janus (at this point called Decan) and remus, who are searching for the lost boys

Fig3:

-remus can immediately understand the askers (for Remus reasons) yet Janus doesn't believe his talking bird ramblings

-askers shuttle information between the trapped humans and remus, giving directions, and Janus goes along with it due to not having any better ideas

-all parties are made wise of this plan, and askers as well as cave dwellers are split over whether to keep the search party away to keep them safe or to continue leading them to the cave.

-regrettably, remus is prompted by an asker to consider not whether he should FIGHT this fabled monster, but whether he may be able to pursue it in... another fashion. The conversation quickly descends into madness.

-Patton is intrigued by Remus's positive feelings towards him and arranges to meet the search party.

Fig4:

Part 6

-Patton finds the two and carries them back to the cave, Janus is expectedly shocked that remus wasn't messing with him

-the crew goes hunting, more existential death and nature discussion

Fig5:

-Patton gets a lesson on altruism in humans

-janus's glass eye is hinted to be the opposite of "an example of humans helping one another"

-asker suggests that Patton teach the others to hunt specifically so that they can help him stock up for hibernation so he doesn't need their hearts, everyone agrees to this though it is unknown if it will work

-hints toward virgil and Janus's poor relationship culminates in an argument where we learn that janus doesnt feel he knows why virgil left after he "took care of him for 8 years". virgil calls Janus a "pathological liar"

-we learn that Janus cared for virgil from age 9 to 17, and they "didnt have what [Janus] would call parents"

Part 7

-the idea to bring Patton to town for warmth and food so he doesnt need to hibernate is brought up, but is concluded to be too risky despite the possibility of escape

-when asked about his childhood, patton says he doesnt really remember it, though remembers having always felt "full" despite being a lousy hunter

-Janus's emotions are difficult to sense

-virgil decides to learn to hunt better, but not before the group heads back to eat lunch, which is where we left off

Fig6(dated March 15, 2022):

I do find some plot points a bit cringy now but I'm not retconning a thing, I'm working WITH sophomore year me!

Ages:

Remus/Roman- 28

Logan- 29

Virgil- 26

Patton- 25-30

Janus- 31

Jobs:

Remus: porn actor

Roman: Influencer/freelance composer

Virgil: tattoo artist/freelance artist

Logan: Grad student

Janus: Sugar baby/odd jobs

Patton: urban legend

Relationships that we know of:

Roman/Logan/Virgil: Dating

Roman/Remus: Twins, not very close but not estranged either

Janus/Virgil: Brothers, haven't had a relationship in 8-9 years

Remus/Janus: Friends(?), initially for brother spying purposes

Remus/Patton: Dat... dating? Maybe?

[lunawings]

For long-time followers who may wanna read

So I’ve been more or less hiding the past three years. I mean, so has most of the rest of the world but in addition to the pandemic I’ve also been struggling to redefine my adult life and find my place in the world again. Now that things are opening up again (for real? maybe?) I’ve been feeling more emotionally ready to both take on new challenges and rediscover my old self. To go on adventures again. To go to new events. To get back into itabag making and maybe even cosplay??(!)? (if I’m ever able to afford it lol) 

I kinda have been doing that for the past year on a smaller scale. But I have a couple significantly bigger events coming up on my horizon. (One in particular is a HUGE dream come true sort of thing for me that I couldn’t accomplish in Japan.) And it’s made me feel really conflicted about what I want to do with this blog. 

When I was in Japan, this blog was my main outlet for sharing my various adventures. Because a lot of the time I would have no one to share them with, and seeing as I was (or in some cases, my group was) the only foreigner(s) at any event I visited, the likelihood I’d unexpectedly run into any followers of this blog was so extremely miniscule to the point where I felt safe posting most of the time.

But now that I’m in an English-speaking country, even though that chance is still fairly low it’s not impossibly low anymore. Funny or rather awful thing is, I think I’m equally if not more scared of meeting potential new friends than I am of meeting stalkers. Because I am THE absolute MASTER of destroying relationships, often before they even start.

Case and point two incidents that happened in the past year:

I was at a small, local con looking at merch in the dealer’s room. It was a dealer I had been circling all day before finally working up the courage to ask questions about the merch and make a purchase. I don’t remember what was on my mind, but I was really intently overthinking something about what I was going to buy when someone came up from behind me and complimented some of my PriPara badges pins. She was like “Oh it’s so hard to find people who like PriPara” or something like that. Fucking amazing opportunity to talk about one of my niche interests, right? But instead I panicked was just like “Oh thanks” and turned away because I wasn’t in the right headspace to handle a conversation at that time and didn’t consider until the moment was already long passed what I had done. 

A few months after that I was at an arcade. I’d finished playing a game but was still sitting at the machine watching someone else play. I’m not sure which came first, but a girl came up to me to both compliment the Ruby stuff on my bag and ask me if I’d move so she could play. She was perfectly nice about it, but I was just so mortally embarrassed that I’d been caught committing a cardinal sin of Japanese arcades (sitting at a game when you’re not playing it) that I was like “Oh sorry thanks” or whatever and just RAN away as fast as possible. Fuck. 

So... while I really doubt either of those two people follow this blog (if they do OH MY GOD IM SO SORRY), the idea that I might meet someone that does and if I do that I’ll absolutely ruin it is terrifying. I’m really attached to this blog but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea anymore. But I don’t really want to start over either. I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear and see what I feel comfortable with and/or quietly move some of my adventures elsewhere?

[sidehugsnsideblogs]

FCSU# 42 Lost Boy

AN: Thank you all for your kind comments. I’m glad you’re enjoying my story. I also want to mention that I don’t know how to reply from this blog in the comments so if a blog called andjemcametumblingafter replies to your comments, it’s me replying from my main blog. :)

 It was a long established tradition in the Fundamental Church of Spiritual Unity for boys to spend their teenage years “proving themselves” on the construction crews. They worked long hours without pay. Since this period was treated as one big test it made sense that some boys didn’t pass. Those who caused trouble or performed poorly were called into a meeting with a Priesthood elder and dismissed from the FCSU. They were expected to pack their meager possessions and leave the premises immediately.  

With the construction of the New Place wrapping up the FCSU had little need for the army of teen boys for the first time ever. The soil in Newport was fertile and the climate was cool and humid, unlike the sand in Oasis Springs which required round the clock attention from landscapers to keep the gardens and grass growing. In an effort to keep the boys busy they were dispatched to do repair work on some buildings the FCSU owned and build farm equipment.

For Andrew Brown this environment was exhausting physically and emotionally. He felt like he was walking a tightrope, trying to do his job as quickly and perfectly as possible under the watchful eyes of the older boys. He was already at a disadvantage being the youngest boy on the crew at twelve. His father, Elden, had decided to age him up prematurely and send him off to the camps with his half-brothers. He wondered if his father had forgotten how old he was.

He entered the crew just as two of his uncles, Austin and Asher Pritchard were expelled. They had been caught reading unapproved material. Elizabeth Culton, the house cook and medic took the boys to a lonely stretch of highway and simply dropped them off in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the shirts on their backs. Andrew was haunted by the look on their faces as the van pulled away leaving them alone on cursed townie land, he began having bouts of insomnia and anxiety at night.

 His thirteenth birthday came and passed without any fanfare except a call from his mother AJ. The days wore on, the boys awoke at four each morning and prayed in silence, then dressed for breakfast. Work began at five sharp. They were each allotted one bathroom break between five and three in the afternoon. Dinner was at five, then they went back to work till midnight. A poster hung in the mess hall reading “Work twenty hours a day, pray for the strength to work twenty-four!” 

Andrew’s crew was working on the FCSU community storehouse on the edge of the compound. The previous winter had caused some damage to the roof. One day after yet another sleepless night Andrew was hauling several large rain barrels across the roof. Suddenly the roof gave way under him and he plummeted to the ground below. He lay on the ground in shock for a moment before a searing pain hit him. He could hear the other boys calling for help before he passed out.

Andrew awoke in a bright room. It took him a moment to realize he was in a hospital. Allie Jayne has seated next to him. “What happened?” he asked. AJ hugged him “You fell and broke your arm at the construction site.” she explained. Her face was red and blotchy like she’d been crying. “It’s a miracle you weren’t killed. Praise Heavenly Father!” She explained that Elizabeth Culton had panicked when Andrew lost consciousness and called an ambulance, which was against FCSU protocol. Townie paramedics had come to take him and started asking why a twelve year old was unsupervised at a construction zone. It was a big kerfuffle. 

As always in the FCSU there were repercussions. Aunt Elizabeth was sent back to Oasis Springs to repent for bringing townies into church business. Andrew was allowed to recover at home for a short time. While he was in pain he did enjoy being around his siblings again. One day Abigail and Autumn were sitting with him reading the scripture when AJ and Elden entered the room, both looked grave. AJ sat down next to Andrew and took his hand, Elden stood at the foot of his bed. “You have damaged the Prophet’s property, you caused townies to infiltrate our hallowed land, you have invited suspicion from devils. This is unacceptable. The Prophet has removed your blessings. You must leave the land of the holy.” At this he left the room. AJ and Andrew held hands and wept.

After an additional week of healing during which none of his siblings were allowed to speak to him, Allie Jayne piled her children into one of the families’ vans. By this time she had six children ranging from thirteen year old Andrew to baby Anna. Acting on the Prophets orders she drove her family hours away from the compound. Tears streamed down everyone’s faces in the car. Finally Allie Jayne pulled over the van. 

They hugged one last time. “I love you Mama.” sobbed Andrew. “I love you too. I will see you again one day.” said AJ before dropping her voice to a whisper only Andrew could hear. “Stay put.” With that she released him, got back in the van, took one last tearful look at her son and drove away. Andrew sat alone for about half an hour before a car slowed down as it passed him. “Get in.” said a familiar voice “You can stay with us.”

[koganegawasimp]

hello 🥺 I saw you’re a new hq blog, I just wanted to say you’re going to do great! 🥺 and,, could I request headcannons for atsumu, bokuto and kuroo where they’re comforting their s/o who’s having an off day? I today was pretty,,, ehh,, :// tysm! 💕

Aww thank you! You’re so sweet! And thank you so much for being my first request! I’m going to be completely honest, I don’t really have the best grasp on Atsumu’s character, so he might be ooc, but I’ll still try. I hope you enjoy this!

Atsumu, Bokuto, and Kuroo comfort headcanons

Word Count: 584

Atsumu

He’s a little shit, but he means well?

He probably wouldn’t notice anything was wrong at first and would try to joke around with you like normal, but as soon as he realizes that something is actually wrong he jumps into action.

He stays pretty level headed on the outside, but on the inside he is panicking a little bit, partially because he’s worried that he might’ve made you feel worse.

He asks if you want to talk about it, but he wouldn’t press the issue if you said you didn’t want to! He cares about your comfort very much!

If you do want to talk about it, he listens respectfully with just a little bit of snarky commentary, and tries to give you any advice and help he can.

After you’re done talking, he would probably decide on a spontaneous movie night!

You pop popcorn in the kitchen as Atsumu builds a makeshift pillow and blanket fort.

You two cuddle in the fort, eating popcorn and watching your favorite movies.

He holds you tight as you’re lulled to sleep by the loving atmosphere.

Bokuto

He feels emotions very strongly, so he definitely understands needing comfort on your off days!

He also doesn’t notice that you’re upset at first, but when he realizes it would hit him like a ton of bricks.

He immediately regrets not paying enough attention, but he knows that he should focus on making sure you’re comfortable as soon as possible!

He orders your favorite food to surprise you and try to cheer you up! The whole time you’re eating he’s trying really hard to make you smile!

He does understand that you can’t just ignore your problems forever though, so after you’ve finished eating he asks you about your day and lets you talk for as long as you need without cutting you off.

He tries his best to give good advice and it’s really not the greatest, but at least he tried??

Afterwards he suggests comforting cuddles! After you both change into pajamas, you lie in bed together.

He holds you close to his chest and whispers encouragements and compliments in your ear while he plays with your hair.

He makes sure you know how much he loves you as you fall asleep, safe in his arms.

Kuroo

He can be playful and teasing at times, but at his core he is very caring.

He’s very emotionally intelligent, and notices your difference in mood as soon as you walk through the door.

He hears the door slam as you walk into your house and he immediately drops everything to try and comfort you.

The very first thing he does is ask you if you’re doing ok, and if you want to talk to him he’ll always listen. He’s another really really good listener who always has really good advice!

Afterwards, he suggests that you two put on some music and bake your favorite dessert to try and cheer you up.

He ends up spending more time goofing around and trying to make you laugh than actually cooking. He keeps dancing around the kitchen and dramatically playing the air guitar just to see you crack a smile, and it’s definitely working

As expected, it ends up being very chaotic, with ingredients all over the floor, counters, and basically every surface in your kitchen.

He holds your face in his hands and presses quick kisses all over it until you’re both left giggling and breathless, even in the midst of the chaos.

[magnoliapip]

The Storm Inside

Title : The Storm Inside

Book : Open Heart series (Choices - Pixelberry)

Description : Casey has been pushing everyone away and spiraling since the attack on the hospital and her loved ones are concerned.

Pairing : none established  / ambiguous

Characters : Open Heart FMC (Casey Valentine), Sienna Trinh, Bryce Lahela, Jackie Varma, Rafael Aviero, Elijah Greene, Aurora Emery, Kyra Santana, Danny (mentioned), Bobby (mentioned)

Warnings : mention of death, mental health

Prompt : “What’s the weather outside your window doing right now?...”

Casey stared vacantly out the floor length windows into the night sky above Boston from her seat against them on the living room floor. The sky was as clear as could be, a rarity for the area, but in a city as populous as Boston seeing the stars was a gift they were never granted. She stretched out her cramping legs to a different position as she leaned her head and left shoulder against the cool glass.

She looked out of windows with alarming frequency now. She had never really done so before, preferring to always be doing other things. She’d always thought of herself as a social person who enjoyed others company, though she could be either out dancing in a packed club or relaxing away a quiet night in with the same level of enjoyment. Friends and loved ones was all she really needed.

The attack on Edenbrook had changed everything, down to her very bones.

Some days her mood was somber but calm, like a cloudy day. Those were her best days and the ones she liked best. The cloudy days could be darker with threat of rain or lighter with the sun just missing the opportunity to come out. It was the closest to her old self she could feel. Unfortunately for her, those days were not only fleeting and the least common, they were becoming a rarity.

More often, her moods were a range of levels of sadness. All the way from a misting drizzle, enough to coat everything in water and make the air humid, to a torrentially pouring rain. Buckets from heavens and flash floods. The only thing those floods never seemed to leave clean was herself.

Other times she was cold. So, so cold. The best of those days were accompanied with a blizzard. Cold, but manageable with a shovel. On the days  where she left her heart covered in an inch thick layer of ice and brandished her words like weaponized icicles, frigid and sharp, the people around her knew to steer clear. She was getting a little too good and stabbing them where it hurt.

Her worst moods felt like she should alert the National Weather Service. Tornado warnings and hurricane evacuations were a courtesy she never felt up to extending, adding to her already astronomical guilt. Like a twister, she could feel so angry and out of control she would tear through everyone in her path with no regard for who or what was in it. She had hurt people, especially the ones she loved, deeply but couldn’t bring herself to stop. It was like watching her body act with someone else at the controls.

It was just one more thing about herself to hate lately, and it had a long line to stand in.

The weather in reality never matched what she felt inside. It fascinated and disgusted her in equal measure. It had been sunny (mostly) since the funeral. It was repulsive.

Bobby was dead. Danny was dead. Raf had almost died and would have god knew how many long term problems ahead because of the illness. She had nearly died. And the world just kept spinning.

Couldn’t they see? Couldn’t any of them see that she was stuck there in that room. That she had never recovered. That she couldn’t recover.

At first, when her friends had noticed her strange new affinity for gazing outside for hours every night, they tried to pull her away. Distract her with things like herbal teas, chocolate ice cream and support. They tried to shower her with her favorite pastimes from before. They tried dancing around the apartment to silly pop songs and playing video games with her. But they didn’t understand. And they didn’t stop.

So she bit them. Hard.

Now they left her alone.

She was an awful person. She shouldn’t have been allowed to live. Someone should have realized it at the hospital and just let her die.

She could feel the tears well up again, stinging her eyes as her inner clouds started to rain again. The night sky outside stayed perfectly cloudy.

It was going to be a long night.

Sienna stood around the corner, watching her best friend shatter silently, as she had done every night for over a month. She whispered to those behind her, “Don’t you all see? Nothing is helping and she’s getting worse. After the last time she panicked when I reached out, I thought I’d give her space. We all did. But it’s not working. Does anyone have any suggestions?”

The gathered assembly of those in the cramped penthouse hallway who loved a young doctor named Casey watched her crumble, weeping without making a sound...and no one said anything. Some of the smartest doctors in the nation, and no one had an answer.

Not Bryce, who stood off to the side watching the pain on the face of the first true friend he’d made while at Edenbrook. Someone who had looked past the brash, self-confidence he used as a shield. The first person he hadn’t been afraid of discovering his past.

Not Rafael, who stood at the back of the crowd, down the hall, not able to stand to look at the person who made him believe he was worth as much to her as these intelligent, talented and more well off friends of hers. Not as she could no longer see how much she was worth.

Not Jackie, who was used to facing her problems by cackling at them until they scurried off with tails between legs or tearing them out with her teeth. But this was a problem that required delicacy, the type she had been shown by the very woman who now needed it.

Not Ethan, who leaned against the wall as he saw his protégé, the first person he’d ever believed in this much, destroy herself. She had forced herself, her goodness, into his life and helped fix his hurt self. Now it was his turn and he, for the first time, found himself at a loss.

Not Aurora, her rival turned friend who showed her at her loneliest that having friend was worth something after all. Not Elijah, a beacon of positivity who felt entirely inadequate with this situation that left her emotionally impaired. Not Kyra, desperate to find some way to give Casey the support she had given. Not Sienna, whose heart broke as she watched her very best friend, her dolphin, her rock in many ways fall further and further into herself.

Each one of them loved her. Each one of them cared for her. Each of them had a purpose and a reason to be at Edenbrook, but Casey was the glue that had held them all together. That glue, their foundation, was compromised. This time, they needed to find a way to save her. This time, she couldn’t waltz her way into a miracle seemingly handed down by the divines themselves to fix the situation.

Giving voice to their silent thoughts, Bryce whispered softer than before, “She needs us. She has to know it. She has to know we’re here somewhere inside, but can’t ask. Won’t ask.”

“We’ve already lost so much because of the attack,” Sienna said quietly. “We can’t lose her now. I can’t.”

“None of us can,” Rafael replied softly.

There was practically a flashing beacon over Casey’s head, screaming help me please. It was long overdue for them to stop ignoring it. For a few pregnant minutes, they all looked around at each other and back to her. This mismatched band of misfits and nerds, bound this night by their affection for one single woman. They stared at each other, desperate for answers…

Until the one who loved her most went rigid. Then stepped toward the rest, speaking slowly.

“I...may have an idea.”

[BREAK]

Notes : I left the ending open for interpretation on purpose. This story is not intended to be expanded on or have a second part. Y’all can decide who the person who loves her most is (and if that person isn’t presently named in my story, you can put them there yourself :D)

Also, I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to the amazing writers I’ve talking to lately. Due to some truly awful comments and the way they were affecting me mentally, I recently purged all of my works but a few from fanfiction.net, AO3, and here on tumblr. Talking to, interacting with, and just seeing you lovelies in action has led me to believe I should start to do this again. 

Huge shout out to @jerzwriter​ and @lovealexhunt​ for being the lovely souls they are. You may have no idea who I am, especially on this blog rather than my main, but I will never stop being grateful for the positivity you put into the world. Thank you.

[steve-rogers-new-york]

Hey, so you've maybe noticed I've been absent. I've been having a tough time of it.

My masters classes have been very demanding, with a quite a few classes that have really challenged my ability to learn with a learning disability. Its really taken a toll on me. This past week especially I've been made to recognize just how bad its gotten. Basically yesterday resulted in me uncontrollably angry crying over a whole class for an hour and not sleeping last night because I kept getting panicked and crying.

I have a few more months more of this before the summer break. I won't be doing my internship this summer due to covid risks and limitations, so I'm going to be using that time to get ahead of some of my thesis research, recover emotionally a bit, and get back to this blog with new work (and build a store for next year).

I'm ok, but not at my best right now. I want to thank everyone for continuing to enjoy the blog and those who have continues to support me through Patreon even when I've been absent. You are all a shining light in my life.

I have the result for the giveaway I just need to sort out the prizes and get time off to everyone. I've not forgotten and even if its later than planned I am excited to send out some neat neat stuff to a buck of you!!!

My warmest love,

D.

[strazem]

I noticed that I’ve been getting blocked by a lot of Ososan artists lately and... At this point I’m sure it’s because of bad rumors and misinfo getting spread about me in discord servers. I’m going to put a lot of this under a readmore because I don’t want to clog people’s dashes with this, but I really want to clear the air here as I feel like there are a lot of things being left out of the narratives people are telling about me, and also the fact this is still happening and has been for four-five years, isolating me from a lot of the ososan community and hurting me in a very deep way...

Now, first off, I’m not here to say that over the past 4-5 years I wasn’t immature and childish. There were many times where I was, even to the point the behaviors could be seen as abusive or toxic even if that wasn’t the intention. I was in my early to mid 20s and had serious issues with oversharing my thoughts and feelings with people I really only knew casually, usually to the point of making them uncomfortable. I would also use all caps a lot, not really realizing the effect it had on people, making others feel like they were being shouted at. I would also act immaturely when I saw that other roleplay blogs were getting more attention than mine, even though the ones I had were for OCs, which meant that of course canon characters would get more traction.

Again, I was very young and not very socially developed. I am by no means trying to use my autism as an excuse, but rather an explanation.

Prior to getting into Ososan around 2016, I did not have any “real life” friends, that is, friends I knew in person. I did not know anyone my age and socializing was, and still is pretty limited to just my immediate family. Almost all of my interactions were online, and even that I struggled with. I had recently gotten out of an abusive relationship as well, and was just starting college. I did not think about how others felt enough and was too concerned with saying my piece and sharing my own opinions, making everything about me or about how I felt, and less about the other person. Again, this is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life as part of my ASD, but I’m still not excusing it by any means, especially considering the fact that other people ended up hurt.

I think the main issue was how immature and self-focused I was if I’m being honest, and how I would tend to make everything about me and how I felt and what I made.

My intentions were always good, that never changed. But as people have stated to me before, good intentions don’t mean anything if the outcome is bad. My immaturity really ended up hurting a lot of other people’s feelings and causing a lot of resentment, and I am by no means saying that anyone has to forgive me or be “ok” with me.

What I do wish though is that perhaps people who I have had struggles with in the past could refrain from spreading biased opinions of me to people who have never even met me. I understand wanting to support your friends, and I also understand that when someone you know tells you someone is “bad news”, it’s natural to take their word for it, especially if they only show screenshots of me at my lowest rather than when I was trying my absolute best to be a good friend, despite my immaturity.

However, I’ll be honest and say that I do think that this behavior in general seems counterproductive and perhaps even concerning... If there’s someone that upset me in my past, I don’t tell others or divulge about them to new people I meet unless I felt they did something actually illegal. I remember misinforming about someone in the ososan community based on false claims and I still feel guilty about it to this day, so I’ve also been guilty of this in the past. It’s also important to keep in mind that if someone is really making someone out to sound terrible or horrible that there is usually a bias clouding their perception. I've sat and reflected a lot on my own biases these past five years in therapy, and at the end of the day, I don’t think most people have bad intentions, at least not lonely kids in a small fandom. I think it’s a lot of miscommunication, lack of confrontation, and fear rather than any malicious intent.

Because if there’s one thing I know that I’m not, it’s a manipulator. I straight up do not have the social intelligence for that. I would all caps, I would get upset and leave chats and worry people, I would go on rants that people couldn’t talk me down from, or get too emotionally volatile, or put my own emotional issues onto other people by panicking and venting and putting on a scary and upsetting scene, but I never tried to manipulate anyone or turn anyone’s friends against them. The only two instances I can think of that even come close to me “warning” anyone about someone (and not for blm*tsu related reasons) happened in 2018 and 2019, well after all of this was (I assumed) done with. 

Most of my issues that people have gotten upset with me for was regarding my social immaturity, self-centeredness, altercations, public panic attacks, public mental breakdowns and a tendency to go off on emotional and heated rants, especially in public areas and in public chats. That’s why this thing about me being a manipulator seems misinformed to me, because I’ve never been great at DMing or talking to others one on one, I think anyone that’s known me will agree. Many of these altercations happened in public group chats.

I’m assuming that many of the bad rumors being spread about me are regarding my skype days back in 2016-2017, back before discord became the new norm for online chatting and servers and such, as well as a very specific “drama” that happened on anti-bl oso-twitter concerning people that had met in an osomatsu-san kin discord server (which I was not in or even knew about). 

Essentially, I befriended some of these people on twitter through people that had been in my second skype roleplay group (the first one I made was in 2016 I believe). I was unaware of any previous dramas or issues and was even unaware that said “person of interest” was even upset with me or thought I was toxic or bad. I had figured we had just stopped talking due to naturally drifting apart. Of course, in my young and naive mind, before understanding “social media etiquette” I went to go ask them why they had blocked me on twitter (I had started being active on twitter during that time.)

And of course, in my immaturity, was freaking out and panicking about having been blocked by someone I thought was a friend to people in my second roleplay group chat... As always... Ugh.. It wasn’t anything malicious though, just confusion and me being scared I had done something wrong.

One member in the roleplay group though, who I guess was a member of the osomatsu-san kin discord, started going off about said “person of interest”, claiming they had gotten their friend into a car accident and that they had groomed minors. Another person in the roleplay group felt the allegations were crazy and unfounded and left. Meanwhile, I was just lost as to what was even happening, I wasn’t aware these people were this connected or knew each other and admittedly, did a pretty poor job as a mod/admin that I didn’t stop the discussions sooner.

I have no idea if the claims were true or not, I imagine they were exaggerated due to bias, I have no idea, but then the same person who had made those claims showed me screenshots that “person of interest” sent to their mutual friend about me. How I was scary and toxic, that I had upset lots of people.. That they were panicking that I even contacted them on tumblr with a friendly “hello!”

Naturally, I responded with confusion. Again, my autism makes it very difficult for me to realize when people are upset or frustrated with me, especially over text. At the time, I couldn’t think of anything I had done to upset them and was very hurt and confused, as our last actual interaction had been seemingly positive. 

I did not try to turn anyone against them though. Here’s what actually happened: After being given this info, I also learned that there was a small discord group of the friend group that the person making the claims was from. I joined it hoping to learn more or get some sort of clarification only to find out that this entire group was very upset with “person of interest”. Like very upset. They made claims that this person lied, that this person liked to play victim as a way to manipulate others, that they had groomed two of the people in the group, that they had said unsettling things, that they would do strange and backhanded things ect. Again, I don’t know if these statements are true and I’m not trying to claim they are, I just know that this group of friends had been very upset with "person of interest” before I had even come into the picture. They were already planning on cutting them off!

I did not sway anyone or say anything, I was literally just there in the hopes of finding out if I’d done something wrong. 

Of course, this doesn’t at all excuse when I was still friends with “person of interest” and subjected them to my barrage of emotional baggage and panic attacks. I just want to make it clear that I never sent anyone after them or tried to turn their friends against them. In fact, I even tried to help them when they came to my twitter DMs asking me for help. I was already incredibly scared of pissing anyone off in general, and tried to keep things peaceful on both sides. When I asked the second roleplay group if they’d be okay with them rejoining, it was a unanimous “no”... I distinctly remember offering to still roleplay with them one on one and to make a new group that they could be in (and this was even after I had been shown the screenshots of them calling me toxic, which I still wasn’t holding against them!), but the offer was turned down.

I’ve noticed this very distinct pattern over the years of me running into a lot of issues due to miscommunication as well. It was very rare that people would express with me how they were feeling, or when they did, it was usually during one of my panic attacks, which were often bad enough that my brain would repress the memories of what happened during them the second they stopped, and it was rare that I would actually go back and read the things I said. People have had a very easy time going to others and complaining or venting about me to friends, but have had a very hard time actually telling me these complaints themselves, as themselves. I don’t really blame them, as we were all pretty young and given how much I freaked out publicly, it would make sense to be scared of how I might react. Not to mention there were probably things in their own pasts that made something like confrontation difficult. However, what I don’t understand is why this would still be happening five years later... I would assume by this point people would have moved on, especially regarding spats within fandoms.

I hold no ill will towards people in my past who’ve gotten upset with me, I do not hold grudges, and for the most part, if someone wants to cut contact with me, I just accept it and move on. But now that I’m noticing that these false claims are being spread around to other people in the fandom, people who weren’t even involved in these situations, blocking me based off of... Stuff they’ve heard about me... I felt a need to say something.

Honestly, my biggest wish or hope is that, given that it has been five or so years, that people who have never spoken to me or met me before maybe give me another chance? If I have personally hurt you, I don’t want you to feel the need to reach some sort of conclusion with me, or forgive me, or whatever...

But at the very least, perhaps people could be more careful when sharing personal issues we went through with other people, people who know very little about me and who I am and only know me through the lenses and narratives of people who felt slighted by me.

I have changed immensely over the past five years, more than I can even describe. I am not the same person mentally that I was, I have had therapy, I have had help, I have reflected, I have become more sensitive to other people’s thoughts and feelings. I even managed to help a friend of mine get therapy! I was not perfect, I behaved irrationally, but I do think it’s important to drive home the fact that it has been a few years and that I’ve made a lot of progress and that as I’m nearing 30, I have mentally matured quite a bit.

Again, no one from my past has to forgive me, I am not here to dictate how people should feel about me. I am just here to try to share my own side seeing as how I am unable to join most ososan servers and communities nowadays, and thus have a harder time being able to get in contact with or reach others.

I’ve been dying to say something, but kept worrying that it would stir up negative feelings or memories for others, but it’s getting to a point now where I’ve felt so isolated and hated by the fandom for five whole years that I’ve actually started having thoughts of self-harm again for the first time in awhile. I’m not saying this to make anyone feel guilty, and I haven’t acted on the thoughts, I just need to be honest.

This sort of behavior on the internet; gossiping about others, spreading misinformation about others, using a position of influence within a fandom to keep someone from making friends in fandom spaces... Or maybe people don’t even realize how much their words can affect others? Especially if they’re well-liked and exist in a lot of spaces. I’m sure there are no actual bad intentions when people say these things or vent to their friends.

And while I explained that one specific incident in detail that was with a specific person, it is not the only issue I’ve gotten myself into over the years either. I simply spoke about that one as I am just guessing it’s the big reason a lot of this is still going on to this day. I behaved poorly enough in the past that separate groups of people have ended up mad at me, regardless of even knowing each other. I was incredibly troubled, dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship, overworked with my animation assignments, and incredibly clueless in social situations or trying to relate to others. Again, these aren’t excuses... But explanations. Mentally ill people are not well, that’s why it’s an illness. In 2016-2017, I was at the lowest of my low, and continued to be until around the Fall of 2019. I have also matured significantly since, and have been working with a far more effective therapist as of late 2018, which I think is why I had such a positive change by 2019, as well as finding wonderful and supportive friends who truly care about me.

I know this is getting really long, too long honestly, but I really needed to get this off my chest...

I’m trying to decide whether or not this will be one of my final posts on tumblr as a whole, as I don’t think I will be able to participate in enjoying ososan publicly with how isolated I’ve been over the years by various groups and people; I think by this point the reputation is too soured for me to be a part of the community. Again, probably not out of malice, but fear and resentment at how I’ve acted.

The fact that I’m seeing more than a few people in ososan fandom I’ve never really spoken to, or people I was mutuals with blocking me is enough I think for me to consider calling it quits for public enjoyment. The fandom is already very small, and the anti-bl side is even smaller, so everyone is pretty interconnected and rumors can spread very easily. There’s no way I can compete with that, especially if I’m barred from most servers anyways.

I’m still going to mull it over, but again, if you’ve never met me, or if you’ve only seen screenshots of me from 2016 while panicking or allcapsing or at my worst... All I can really do is hope that maybe you’ll be able to see past these things and consider giving me a chance. 

As for the people I genuinely did hurt, I know I’ve said sorry many times now, even on my old blog Nutastic which I abandoned for similar reasons, but I don’t know how else or how better to prove how genuinely sorry I am... Because the proof of regret is in changing and becoming a better person, and there’s not much chance to see if I have or haven’t if I’ve been cut off.

No one has to forgive me, but perhaps at least entertain the idea I might’ve changed over the course of five years, and that telling people how I was back then instead of who I am now seems a bit unfair. Again, I suppose I dug my own grave by behaving like that in the first place, but I always try to show empathy even to people who wronged me at a low place in their lives, unless they were incredibly abusive and cruel.

At the end of the day, we’re all just people trying to enjoy a show about wacky sextuplets, and I don’t think anyone actually has any ill-will in their hearts, or has it in them to be “bad”, specifically on the anti-bl side. I don’t hold grudges, there’s no one that I currently have blocked unless they are a bl or a man that made me uncomfortable. My DMs are always open, as is my askbox.

Feel free to ask me anything or confront me about anything, though admittedly, doing so through anon makes it hard for me to reply as I don’t want to post anything potentially upsetting publicly.

And I will try to come to a decision about whether or not to pull a Jenna Marbles and leave social media for good out of regret and declining mental health. I will most likely make a post about it when I’m feeling more capable.

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope your year is going good so far despite... Well, everything

[heretherebedork]

THE ENDING FOR OSSANS LOVE. WE DID IT THEY DID A NON-COMEDY KISS. INITIATED BY TIN TOO. WE WON FELLAS.

but seriously, this episode was wild from start to finish. i watched it live on tv so i was just an anxious mess during the ad breaks wondering whether the last 30, 20, 10 minutes could really tie up the story. and it did! i’m still amazed at how much happens in one episode. we really went from siu muk screaming about how tin should’ve thought through the marriage to them kissing on the couch? and i’d like to think the easter egg is a lawyer asking them these questions before letting them sign their marriage papers but i’m getting ahead of myself

so KK telling tin to go find muk was quite surprising to me. i thought even if deep down KK knew tin wasn’t genuine with his romantic love for KK or couldn’t reciprocate it the way KK wants, he’d rather play pretend than let Tin go, so truly, props to him for being the bigger man and being mature (if thats the term) and encouraging Tin to go find ah muk. i think it’s also partly because he does love Tin enough to want him to have a happy future and not be so selfish as to keep him when both parties aren’t gonna be 100% happy with it.

and then when muk tried to tell tin they wouldn’t have a good future together but obviously just saying without any fight in him? honestly i kinda laughed, it felt like he included it just as an inside joke like, hey remember how i said this and we broke up but here you are ditching your marriage? we ended up right where we left off! (i can’t articulate this properly but i hope you understand HAHA). and Tin going like, i’m a big boy, let me choose :( and it’s true! he has indeed grown (sure he still can’t pack but i’m sure he’s more in touch with his feelings towards siu muk)

honestly? i’m very satisfied with the ending, and LOVED it when carmen took out her own recording device. i was wondering why ping gor just stopped using it after the scam. so glad they brought it back, esp through carmen and it helps solidify their relationship. this couple is truly iconic, i love their dynamic.

i still have so many thoughts but here are some nice stuff from their zoom after party: (1) literally everyone (even the producer) wants to do a movie adaptation or a second season (movie felt more ideal amongst them, but any continuum is nice). (2) for the last scene/ kissing scene, edan and anson actually did three takes with varying degrees of intensity. the one that aired was the middle one, and when asking whether they’d release the most intense one (apparently more mouth/lip movement), both edan and anson lo said they shouldn’t release it because they want it to happen in the movie/ sequel. (3) the cast thinks KK and Darren has potential. (4) the cast also thought louis and francesca should’ve kissed. (5) the hk adaptation is airing in japan HAHA (in fall) as well as a few other east asian countries. that’s all i recall for now.

thank you, francis, from the bottom of my heart, for answering my asks and allowing me to have someone to vent to, laugh at, and get emotionally wrecked together. i know you watch a bunch of other BL series but this has become my favourite show (i don’t watch a lot but when i watch shows i completely spiral) so i’m so happy to get to talk about it with someone. something so dangerous about asian dramas is finding people who want to talk about it (in english as well!) i’ll probably be in your askbox for a few more days sorting out my feelings but i loved going on your blog and seeing new posts about ossan’s love!

We got a comedy kiss turned real kiss! Which was wonderful. It was so, so good to see. I was SO WORRIED when Tin panicked at the kiss again but YESSS WE GOT THE KISS. I might watch those last few scenes with them again, tbh. They're just so GOOD and SWEET and HEARTFELT. What darling boys.

That episode was definitely a wild ride. They held out for the last minute to solve things. Siu Muk yelling about Tin not making up his mind just made me wanna scream, though. I mean, come on dude! You did break up with him for 'his own good'. What did you want him to do? You knew he still had feelings for you when you broke up with him! Stop it! I really wish Siu Muk had been the one to go after Tin, truly, and not have the failed scene at the bridge... but it was good to see Tin chase him down though.

Oh, that scene hurt so much. Siu Muk was so unsure and so scared and Tin, for the first time, genuinely made up his mind. He said 'This is me and I know myself, stop telling me who I am' and he meant it. Is he a fully competent and independent adult? No, but who is? He's capable of running a business and choosing who he loves and if he can't pack a bag... well, everyone has a weakness.

Oh man, a movie adaptation would be great. A second season would probably make me twitchy because EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND. SEASON. EVER. is like 'miscommunication and possible cheating!' and I don't want that for our boys. I want them to just be happy together. I'd only like a second season if they let Siu Muk and Tin be the secondary happy couple and make someone else be in that weird love triangle position. I'd actually love that! They'd make an amazing 'happy in the background' couple.

I want that kiss. DAMNIT. I want that KISS. I wanna see all the versions of the kiss and also more kisses, pleases. Just... Tin and Siu Muk kissing in general would be great and ideal and my favorite thing ever. I just want their future to be happy and content and full of love.

Oh, I am always glad to get show-specific asks, or any ask at all, and happy to chat and natter and share! Please, always feel free to hit me up. It's hard to find a BL I'm not watching (if you do, feel free to tell me about it because it's probably an accident!) I have too much free time, no life and a love of BL that is all encompassing. I've been so glad to know that other people share this show and the same deep thoughts about it and enjoyed all the same bits!

You are always welcome to hit me up and to chat. I've got plenty of headcanons I'm still considering for these characters so I look forward to seeing and hearing your post-show thoughts as well.

[holylulusworld]

Silent

Summary: A rough hunt leaves you hurt – emotionally and physically. 

(Request: reader and dean r arguing, and she has a wound and when they go to bed dean notices blood from the wound)

A/N: One Drive ate the original request so I couldn’t add it here.

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: angst, language, arguments, injured reader, comforting, fluff, blood

Silent. You are silent for a long time now. The hunt was rough – no it was worse than rough. You lost a fellow huntress to a nest of vampires as you could not reach their hideout fast enough.

Dean and you had to tell her daughter that she died. Even though she’s a huntress’s daughter the girl didn’t stop throwing insults at you.

She dared to say that it was your fault as you ate at the diner. That you should’ve stopped to flirt with Dean and that if you would’ve been a better hunter, more professional, her mother could be still alive.

It’s not true, you know it - Dean knows it too but oddly he agreed with the girl. He said if you didn’t insist on sleeping at the motel before driving to your destination the huntress could still be alive.

You’ve got no clue what got into Dean as the huntress was dead the moment she entered the hideout four days ago. Even if you would’ve avoided to get some well-deserved rest or food he still would’ve ended up dead in a nest of vamps.

Lately Dean seems to find a reason to nag about your hunting skills all the time. Last month you were to slow. This time you were too reckless and insisted on at least four hours of sleep.

“We should get some sleep,” Dean says gruffly but you do not react. “Y/N…”

“Sleep. Right.” Is all you give Dean before you walk toward the showers to clean your wounds. “Night…”

The water washes the blood off your skin. Your shower gel stings when it runs down your body. At least your wounds stopped bleeding and you are glad none of the cuts and scratches need stitches.

Dean is the last person you want to ask to fix your wounds tonight. Normally he’s attentively and caring after a hunt, especially when you lost someone but this time he doesn’t seem to care you are not feeling well.

While you step out of the showers to dry your body you can hear Dean pace in front of the bathroom. He wants to have a shower too, so you hurry to press a band-aid to the largest cut and add some sanitizer to the smaller scratches and cuts.

“I want a shower too…” Grumbling Dean watches you walk out of the showers, carefully to make sure the wounds do not open again.

You already got some barely healed cuts and don’t need more itching wounds but being a hunter means getting hurt.

“Go ahead. Shower is all yours.” Your voice is meek, and you hate it.

“Ignoring me is not the way to react! You know that I am right, Y/N.” Now you turn around to give Dean your best bitch face.

“I ignored you as you acted like an ass! I know we lost that huntress, but she was dead before we even knew about the fucking case! There was no way to save her, Dean. Even if we would’ve driven for the whole night without sleep and fucking in the showers she would be dead by now.”

“You don’t know that for sure! I always said to Sammy you need too much sleep. Maybe you shouldn’t hunt and rather stay here…”

The words barely left Dean’s lips before you go at him. “That’s not fair and you know it, Dean. We were hunting non-stop, even Sam is exhausted. That huntress was stupid enough to hunt a whole nest without a partner. That’s not my fault or yours. I needed sleep, just like you. What happens when we are too tired and get killed?”

Hissing you feel the itching in your side return. While Dean tries to find the right words to make you see why he’s upset, you subtle scratch the itching wound.

“I’m just saying you may need to take a break.” Apologizing was never Dean’s strength so he says the worst thing possible.

“Yeah, Dean. I need a break but not from hunting…” Glaring at your boyfriend you turn on your heels, storming toward your bedroom. “Rather from you…”

“Sweetheart…” Regretting his words Dean sighs heavily. “Please…”

The wound itches even more and you keep on scratching the scab off your wound until you feel the pain return.

When you want to check on the wound Dean enters the room and you hide under your blanket. Ignoring your boyfriend’s presence.

“Y/N, please talk to me.” 

“I think you said enough for both of us. I will take a break from hunting and you. I will call Jody and stay a few days or weeks at her place. Depends if you want your useless girlfriend back.” After throwing the words into Dean’s face you fall silent again.

You don’t say goodnight and you don’t give him a kiss goodnight before he lies next to you. 

“Sweetheart…”

‘Sweetheart my ass’, you think to yourself, as you close your eyes not caring Dean tabs your shoulder.

“Talk to me…please…” Ignoring Dean’s pleads you try to find a comfortable position while your wound starts throbbing in pain and you feel your nightshirt dampen.

Ignoring the blood ruining your shirt you try to lie still to not let Dean know you opened the wound by scratching it repeatedly.

Dean gently places one hand onto your hip, and you flinch away when he presses his fingers into the wound. 

“Fuck, Y/N…” Looking at the blood on his fingers Dean sits up to drag the blanket off your body. “You’re bleeding. Shit, let me…”

Panicked Dean lifts your shirt to see the fresh wounds and the healed one bleeding heavily. “It’s not that bad…”

“Baby, you are bleeding and …fuck I yelled at you. Let me fix this.” Getting off the bed Dean opens a drawer to get a first aid kit out. “I got what we need. Now let me clean the wounds.”

Carefully cleaning your wounds Dean furrows his brows. “I am sorry for yelling, Y/N. When I saw that huntress almost ripped into pieces I couldn’t get the images out of my mind. I imagined what could happen to you. You are a great hunter, but I am afraid to lose you.”

“You could’ve said so, Dean. But you made me feel worthless and like I am the reason that the huntress is dead.” Sniffling you watch Dean add a band-aid to your wound.

“I wanted to scare you off, make sure you stop hunting. I am an idiot when it comes to protecting you. I should’ve been more like Sammy, I guess.”

Humming you let Dean help you get out of the bloody shirt. He’s handing you one of his shirts before he removes the bloody blanket.

“Take my blanket, I’ll get a new one. Do you need a pain killer?” 

“No…” Choking out the word you wipe the tears away.

“Baby, please don’t cry. I never meant those words. You are a great hunter and I know that no one would’ve been able to save the huntress. Now let me take care of you and tomorrow you can kick my ass.” Nodding you snuggle into your pillow as Dean crawls back onto the bed to lie close to you.

“You hurt me…” Humming Dean presses his forehead against your shoulder. “I will need a bit of time to get over all the hurtful things you said.”

“Will you leave me?” Voice trembling Dean moves closer. “Y/N…please don’t leave me.”

“I will stay but I think that I want to join the next hunt. I need a break.” Dean carefully wraps his arms around you to bring you close to his body.

“I love you, Y/N. Please don’t go. I can’t be without you. I’ll do anything…” Dean pleas.

“I won’t go, Dean but I am still pissed.” Pressing a soft kiss to your cheek Dean sniffles as you whisper, ‘I love you too’. “You know, I’ll tell Sammy everything you said…”

“He will kick my ass…” Grumbling Dean smirks against your skin. “I deserve a kick or two and it’s better than your silent treatment…”

“Next time, I’ll never talk to you. Now let me sleep. My boyfriend was an ass and didn’t let me sleep. He was needy and wanted sex.”

“Sex…”

“Nope, Dean. No fun for you…” 

“For how long?” Brushing his thumb over your hipbone Dean snickers as you pant heavily. “Baby Girl?”

“A month.” Sighing Dean nods, knowing you will not be able to resist him for long. “Deal, Sweetheart. Does this include cuddling?”

“No…cuddling is allowed…” 

“I’ll cuddle the hell out of you for a month in that case…” 

I only tagged the Dean Tags in this post to test if the tags work with less blogs. I’ll add the forevers to the reblog.

Dean/Jensen Forever Tags   

@spnfamily-j2

@supernatural-bellawinchester

@negans-lucille-tblr

@deans-baby-momma

@thefaithfulwriter

@squirrelnotsam

@roonyxx

@neerness

@deansgirl-1968

@spn-dean-and-sam-winchester

@butifulsoul125

@lyinginthegingerlocks

@20gayneen

@janicho88

@woodworthti666

@thevelvetseries

@dreaminemz

@akshi8278

@midnightsilver16830

@mrspeacem1nusone

@ria132love

@caligraphee

@the-witch-in-silence

@justanotherwinchester

@multisuperfandom

@jason-todd-squad

@jadesupernatural

@psychicforest

@luciathewinchestergirl​

@magssteenkamp​

@palefiregiver​

@tranquility-or-chaos​

@jxackles​

@michellemxndes​

@addictedtofictionalcharacters​

@gabifernandessn​

 @waywardrose13​

@adoptdontshoppets​

@team-free-will-you-idjiot​

[sucker-for-minyard]

When i say that "All For The Game" is important to me and helped me undestand my personal limits, i mean it.

[Tw: harassment]

When i was 10, i started to study in a school called "CEN". There, i made incredible friends, but also not so great ones.

From my first year there (10yo) to my last year there (13yo), i was basically in a school were the people, specially the older ones, had NO CONCEPT of CONSENT AND PERSONAL SPACE.

I lost the count of how many times teenagers would lift my skirt or my shirt, take off my bra, touch my breasts or kiss me without warning.

I was 10!!!! Starting to learn about my body, entering puberty, and i had the worst example possible.

Eventually, i just thought it was normal. It was ok for a friend, who was 16, to grope me, 11, when we passed through each other in the corridor.

It was ok for me to have these older guys hitting on me and talking openly about sexual stuff.

it was ok for people that i DIDN'T EVEN KNOW to touch my body. to kiss me.

it was ok for a friend to grope me and disrespect my body, because that's what people do when they like you. right? right?

i had no idea how much i was disrespecting myself, and how everything that happened would impact my relationship with others in the future.

Fast foward to when i was 14, and moved to another school for X reasons.

I legitimately thought that everyone hated me. I cried to my parents bc i thought that no one wanted to be friends with me.

Guess why.

Because in months there, no one touched me in a weird way. No one disrespected my body. No one forced themselves into my personal space.

I was devastated, and was always on edge, thinking that my friends would go away in any second.

At the same time, i met a guy that I'll call "Adam" bc i don't need his name here. He was the boyfriend of one of my friends from CEN. And we became friends really quickly.

We would call each other for HOURS. He was two years older.

And one day, he started to flirt with me.

I had NO EXPERIENCE dating. I never had someone that i was in love with, and the thought of someone older and pretty and interesting would like ME was just too much. I fell head over heels for him. Not in love. Just, emotionally attached.

He kept flirting, initially nothing much, but then he started to talk about sexual things. Things that he wanted me to do to him and with him. What he wanted to do with me.

And one day, he just called me while jerking off.

I was terrified. I didn't knew how to tell him to 'stop'. That i didn't liked that kind of friendship. Because i didn't want to lose him.

So i just kept letting it happen. Until he decided to grope me in front of his girlfriend and i just had too much.

I went home and cried for hours with my mom on the phone. You know what she said? That it was my fault, since i gave him so much liberty.

That sentence really stayed with me.

And then the year was ending, and i was waiting for my friends from school to finally walk away and stop talking to me.

But they didn't. I did.

And the next year, when i was 15, i was in a new school.

I spent one year there with no problems. Didn't really bond with anyone but was starting to make some friends. It was nice, even tho i was basically being bullied by my classmates. I could ignore it and so i did.

Fast foward to Last year, 2019. now i had 16. Most of my year passed normaly. I never liked studying but i did the minimum to not fail.

And then, in September, i met someone in a party. I'll call him "Dave" because i don't want to put his real name in my blog.

Dave was clearly a 'rebel without a cause'. He smoked and drank without caring about his health. He was cool and everyone wanted to hang out with him. He painted his nails and played the guitar.

And for some reason, he wanted to hook up with me. Not date.

And i fell for it. I kissed him once and was already in heaven. How the fuck someone so cool wanted ME? I had no idea but i was loving it.

Soon we became best friends, we hanged out literally everyday and shit.

And then we became "friends with benefits" lmao. I was in love with him, and he couldn't choose between me and another person (that i won't say the name. today he is one of my best friends).

All of my close friends at the time warned me about Dave. How he treated me badly, how rude he was with me, how he was using me. But i thought that i was in love and ignored everything.

And two months passed like that. I slept in his house 3 times a week. I spent all weekends with him, i drank too much and i started smoking like an idiot.

And one day, after a huge fight me and Dave had, my dad said that my family was going to move to another state.

I called Dave immediately, and went to his house.

Only then we started dating. Because i was going away in two months, suddenly he was ok with dating me.

Adam was terrible and i was so unhappy.

Before we started dating, and even after that, i never had the right to say "no".

It was never about me. What i wanted. What i could give. What i was able to give.

I would come to his house, drunk, and he would ignore that i could not truly give consent and make me do whatever he wanted me to do.

I never felt loved.

My body was not mine. I had no right to control my own body.

I was with someone that would not accept a "no". I was with someone that would threaten to kill himself if i hurted him. I was with someone that said that he would kil me, and beat me, if i didn't do as he told.

He hit me once. And even after that, i didn't break up with him. And as always, he never, NEVER, apologized.

I was, again, in a relationship that taught me nothing about consent, respect and limitations. And it was destroying me without me noticing it.

But two months later, the day came and o moved. Even so the abuse didn't stop there.

He kept emotionally manipulating me, making me feel guilty for not being there. He said that i wasnt the person that he thought that i would be. That i never helped him and never made him happy. He said that i didn't truly love him.

Eventually, we parted ways. He stoped sending me messages and i stopped trying to be there.

I felt empty, and loveless, and it was like i had failed. I felt like i wasn't enough. I failed because i wasn't able to give enough of myself to him.

And now, a couple of months ago.

Someone on twitter mentioned AFTG and i didn't have anything better to do.

I fell in love with the book. I did. But there were so many triggers and had to take it slow.

I KNOW it sounds like I'm reading too deep into it, but please understand.

When i saw the way that Andrew and Neil interacted, as two different individuals, with different needs and different limitations, i was devastated.

I could not handle seeing how respectful and caring they were about each others triggers and traumas.

How Neil respected every single "no".

And how Andrew was able to say "no" without caring about what Neil would feel.

Because, when you say "no", it's for you, you're respecting yourself. And if your special someone can't undestand and respect that, they're not worth it.

I didn't understand that. To be honest, I'm still having a hard time to think about everything that happened to me like it was "harassment" or "assault".

I didn't say yes, but i also didn't say no

And, again, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm reading too deep into it.

Andrew and Neil have this "yes or no" think that left me speechless.

How can someone just respect you so much that they won't touch you unless you give clear permission?

I cried too much, and had enough panic attacks while i was reading the books. There were too many triggers but i kept going because i felt like i needed to.

I never had thought that, when you're drunk, you can't give consent. I never worried about that because no one worried about me when i was drunk. No one asked me anything.

The idea of having someone that will understand if you don't want to be touched, somone that will stay there and wait inutil you're okay, someone that loves you enough to respect if you're not ok... it was too much. Really.

Suddenly all of my relationship with my ex was passing in front of my eyes and i finally saw how abusive it was. How much he didn't care. How i trusted someone that couldn't give a shit about what i was feeling.

It's not that i didn't knew it was abusive. But seeing a relationship so opposite, like Andreil, was a chock.

"All For The Game" brought up things that usually are ignored.

Even if the trilogy is not focused on Andreil, the amount of importance that it puts in "consenting", is amazing.

I started to think about me and my body and how i was treating myself.

And how much i wanted someone that will respect me and love me and take care of me.

It sound dumb but I'm truly grateful. All For The Game is just fiction. But it talks about serious matters with a respectful and realistic approach.

It's "just a book" but it showed me a kind of relationship that i never saw. It affected me.

This is a huge vent because i had a panick attack during my therapy session and i needed to write it.