#i seek out improving myself and becoming better at making lasting relationships

[dreamwritersworld]

The chore. (Sully family x reader)

hey! this is my first story so bear with me this is gonna be a slightly sad one 💕 also this does have scenes from shows i definitely was inspired by and used some of the situation to go based off of the story :)

Being the overlooked sibling was a difficult role to hold. Only time I was ever acknowledged was when I was constantly being yelled at and told what to do even if it wasn’t my fault. I am the twin of lo’ak but with his crazy antics it just makes it even harder to get the approval of my father.

I had to teach myself everything. Observing others actions and having to figure it out. Even with the sly compliments I’ve received, my parents just brushed it off. As you can imagine it only got worse when I got older but when Tuk came it was like a light was brought to me. I was always distant with my siblings no matter how hard I tried to just have a relationship with them they were so tight I couldn’t find any space for me to be included. Dad constantly held me at a higher role saying “y/n you need to be strong! what don’t you get? stop being so reckless and bringing your siblings into things.” Majority of the time I was yelled at for things that weren’t my fault, I just was caught in at the wrong time or blamed for not watching them. It all didn’t seem fair. It was not fair.

I notice how my parents treated me differently from my sisters and to say it didn’t hurt is a complete lie. It hurts all the time, constantly being put on the back burner hurts. Even Lo’ak and Neteyam got off easier than me. I don’t know why my father holds so much resentment to me or why he puts me to the side like I’m a stray but it wasn’t only him I’m silently mad at, it’s my mom too. Why? How could she sit there and witness it , not see it. I can’t even be fully upset I just must sit there and smile and just try better or as dad says “you need to start using your brain and do better, for THIS family!” I just wish I got the dad my sisters got. I wanted the dad who tended to me and my feelings instead of the dad who told me to suck it up saying it wasn’t ok to cry or show emotions.

Now thinking of it, the only time we talk or well when they talk to me is when they order me around or when dad yells at me. It’s become a daily thing that I take care of Tuk every since she was a baby it became my job. Not that I wouldn’t want to take care of my beautiful sunshine , it’s just keeps me tired sometimes but she’s the only one that truly knows me.

Today I actually have to go look over the war and observe from a far with my brothers but that’s in a couple of hours.

I decided to take a break from practicing and teaching Tuk new things for a quick game of hide n seek. This will only improve her quickness and alertness so it’ll help her. Only it’s been a while since I last saw her run in the forest so I whistled out for her, patiently waiting for her whistle back, something I taught her in order to hear that she’s ok! When I did hear a whistle I looked down and quietly went into the bush to catch her. “THE TICKLE MONSTER IS HERE!” Hearing her sweet giggle kept me strong. I need to keep her safe and it was getting harder to be around when she ran off with our other siblings getting into trouble. It was coming near the time to head with the war party so I hopped on my Ikran and flew to where I had to meet my brothers. We WERE spotting until Lo’ak decided to stupidly go down. Neteyam and I quickly went down for him with zero hesitation and tried to get him to get out. “Lo’ak cmon this isn’t funny I’m not kidding. we have to go. you don’t know what your doin-“ I said trying to stop my brother from doing anything more reckless, that was until we got hit.

All I could hear was ringing , trying to gasp for more air feeling blood rush down my body. I slowly opened my eyes seeing my dad take the boys and hearing Lo’ak “Dad! Dad y/n was with us! We have to get y/n!” He’s leaving. He’s leaving me. Knowing I’m down here. “She shouldn’t have been down there either. She’ll find a way home. We have to go.” In that entire moment my heart shatters. I wanted to just give up right then and there, everything that I’ve feared being true, that he didn’t give a single shit about me. I looked down to my side having a slight gash and my arm having a even larger gash. As I was escaping I can feel everything burn and my entire body fighting to even stay awake until I wasn’t. I decided to just take a break before I’d fall off my Ikran from exhaustion. Once I woke up it was already eclipse so I made my way to the healing tent and decided to just stitch myself up in order to avoid the trouble of pulling anyone out or getting more in trouble.

I never did this before. I mean I have observed and learned from a far since no one wants to teach me but stitching is new. Yelping in pain every once and awhile the needle pierced through my skin but once I was done I was only fueled by anger. So much pent up anger I didn’t even know I let go on for that long, just sitting in the silence trying to calm myself down before having to be yelled at once again for something I tried to fix not even that just that but, for not coming home before eclipse even when my own father left me in pain when I needed him. Actually considering the thought of leaving the forest and finally finding a place I can call home. I had already planned an emergency bag…this isn’t the first time I have had these thoughts, but this might actually be my last straw. Only reason why I didn’t leave was because of my baby sister. My thoughts were soon interrupted.

“Y/n you were ordered to SPOT. LOOK AT THE MESS YOU MADE-“ For a moment, for a slight moment. I actually was gonna take all the hits he sent my way but my anger, frustration towards him. towards his voice. towards his stupid orders. towards everything about him. “I’m. Still. Not. Home. I was injured and YOU left me out there to die.” silence was the only thing there as I stared at my parents resisting ever urge to cry tears of anger something I got used to as a kid being told crying was a weakness and it wasn’t ok if I cried, it wasn’t normal. “I-I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t see you, I-I-“ now hearing the ashamed feeling in my dad’s voice, but I didn’t feel bad because I KNOW he saw me bloody lying on the floor. I KNOW he had enough time. I KNOW he didn’t hesitate to leave me. And I KNOW he’s gonna deny it.

“HOW?! I heard it all dad. I heard Lo’ak calling for you to come back for me. I saw you look at me and you were completely fine in leaving me. You’re a liar and a shitty fucking dad….why tf would you leave me?…You are fucking dead to me.” Hearing my mom cut in “y/n no you don’t mean that!” I looked at her smiled and looked back at my dad “I mean every.fucking.word. You’re dead to me “Dad”. You know I have a lot of regrets…in my life but I gotta tell you Dad being your daughter is at the top of my list.” I took a moment to finally see his emotions…he was crying… to this I scoffed and laughed. “oh now you want to cry? yea you’re just draining. You just like going around to suck the spirit out of everyone.”

I try to stop myself , I try to hold back but the more I do the more bottled up feelings come out “no no y/n i see y-“ anger erupts even more “no don’t say that! Stop saying that! You drained me. And it fucking hurts dad. You. Don’t. Love. Me. You left me. When I needed you! And a real father someone who cares would never throw me to the side the way you did…you always had your favorites. You always blamed ME. It didn’t matter if I was there or not I was the one to blame. You don’t even know anything about me. You don’t care about me. You do not love me.” Tears fall. tears that I didn’t even know I had. So I laugh at them. I witness the regret and guilt rush to my parents head realizing how they truly forgot they even had y/n as a daughter instead of just a baby sitter or someone who just followed their orders. This was the moment they realized something inside their daughter was broken and it can never be fixed.

“I gave you all. Every part of me, I have given to you. Hoping that one day you’d open your arms to me and until that moment I held a patient smile. I know now that, the idea I dreamed of will never happen. Even when I would TRY talking to you, all your ever did was push me away. So while I did everything you asked of me and more. You considered me the chore, the job you didn’t want to do. Don’t worry now, I do not want your excuses because up until you left me to die, you WERE my everything.”

I walked out but not without noticing my siblings on the side I could see the realization hit their faces, realizing that they too forgot they had a sister. The sister that took care of Tuk, handled everything she was dealt with, and more importantly the sibling they also pushed away, the sister they didn’t even want to hear stories about when Tuk was talking. Then I see Tuk my sunshine, I smile taking in her baby face one last time.

Then I rush to “home” to get my bag that I packed, I’ve been waiting for this very moment, just waited for the bandaid to rip. I hoped that a moment like this would never occur, something in my heart broke knowing that it didn’t matter anymore it was bound to happen. I called for my Ikran, crying my eyes out realizing this was really it, and that I would have to tear away from all I knew in order to finally grow and be happy. That was until I felt a tug on my leg stopping me from getting on my Ikran. Tuk. “please y/n don’t leave. Don’t leave me. You have taught me everything please y/n don’t leave home. Or just take me with you.” My heart breaks all over again looking at the child that I practically raised even if she always returned to my parents arms at night or held by them in the evening. She’s the only thing that held me here, my baby sister, my sunshine. “Tuk I see you sister but, I can’t take you with me, I can’t let you leave your home.” I can only hear her heart shatter even more. “No sister. you will take me. your all I need right now. It’s always been us please. I won’t do anything without you.” I look back and forth contemplated for a little and then…agreed. I held her close and wrapped a blanket around her, preparing for the ride.

Again this is my first story so please be understanding! :) hope you enjoyed it 💕

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 9/15

What am I feeling today?

Tired but also encouraged. I had my birthday party last night and I’m really grateful for all the people that came out to celebrate me and show me love. I’m glad that I have people in my life that care about me so much♥️

Bible Plan: Wisdom in Dating

Working Through Conflict

On Day 1 we talked about pressure that can be toxic to relationships. But sometimes pressure can be positive. When? Whenever it helps us become more like Jesus.

Dating relationships produce plenty of positive pressure. Think about it. You’re in a close and emotion-filled relationship with someone who is different from you. So you’ll have plenty of opportunities for growth in communication skills, humility, kindness, forgiveness, and servanthood.

Conflict might seem scary, but it can actually be healthy. How? Because conflict can help you learn more about the person you’re dating and it can reveal things that need to be addressed. Of course, we should set boundaries. If dating feels like a constant battle, then you may not be right for each other. But there’s no such thing as a conflict-free relationship. And that’s a good thing, because conflict can make us better.

This is not only true in dating relationships but in other friendships too. Consider the ministry friendship between Paul and Peter. In Galatians 2, we hear about Paul confronting Peter directly because he was unjustly neglecting certain people in the church community. Peter might have felt annoyed or embarrassed at first, but it made him better in the long run.

When you date someone, you’re choosing to be vulnerable. It means they’ll eventually see “the real you.” That can be scary, but it can also be life-giving, because your partner can help you see things about yourself that you weren’t seeing before—good things and areas to work on.

Remember, setting boundaries is important, and if you’re frequently experiencing significant conflict in your dating relationship, it’s probably a sign to seek guidance from trusted friends, and of course ask God for wisdom.

Conflict in dating relationships doesn’t have to be scary. So don’t hide from it. Instead, embrace a grace-filled approach to help you and your partner grow through it.

Challenge: Reflect on your feelings about conflict. How was conflict handled as you grew up? And how does that inform how you handle conflict today? Reflect on today’s verses to identify one way you can grow in grace-filled conflict resolution.

now, I understand that I’m not dating (yet), but I think it’s good to see where my heart and mindset are at in regards to it.

How do I feel about conflict? Honestly I tend to avoid it or have other people handle for me. I don’t like having to confront people with their behaviors although there are many times when I think it’s necessary.

Growing up, it was also avoided. Well, my parents would argue and fight more often when I got older and then it faded (I don’t know if it resolved but it definitely improved). I just always hid when there was conflict because like I said (avoider).

Ephesians 4:26-32 NIV

““In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

I have to be reminded of this. I can be prone to angry and can get there easily but I always have to remind myself that it’s not how Jesus would have handled the situation.

Also, building others up instead of breaking them down is big! I try to be encouraging with my words and refrain from stuff that could be taken as hurtful even if that’s not my intention.

Forgiving is vital! People will hurt you. That is a fact of life. What matters is how you respond to that hurt and forgiving them (even if they haven’t done anything to correct it).

I see how all this applies to relationships and I know in the past, I’ve been very conflict avoidant. My ex would do things that bothered me, but I never wanted to bring them up because I dismissed myself, thought I was being silly or that I would hurt his feelings if I said anything. I have changed and grown a lot since that time and I believe that now I am at a point where I can start conversations about what’s bothering me.

Galatians 2:11-14 NIV

“When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray. When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in front of them all, “You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?”

Even in the Bible it shows that you need to call out certain behavior. It wasn’t appropriate for them to be disciples and to be acting in this manner so it needs to be pointed out so that it can be corrected. And this is also necessary in all relationships, we need to hold each other accountable but in love and care.

Romans 12:17 NIV

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.”

Just a command that is so necessary!!

[pisswizrd]

venting so that my brain is at ease

surely there's something greater than all of this, right? something better than always looking toward the horizon, praying for better times and a better state of mind? i think i've pushed my self-destructive tendencies to their limit as of late. i don't know how much time i have left continuing to live like this. nothing i used to do truly makes me happy anymore, and i don't know if it's me growing out of my previous hobbies, or if this short-term depression is really longer term than i thought. or something greater.

long before she even left me i have been a shell of myself. a husk of a human being trying to learn how to love themself again. i put my everything into every person i've ever been with and leave myself by the wayside to rot, leading my own needs to not be met. i've been working to reverse this mentality without becoming an absolute narcissist in the process, and i am lost. this is not how i normally operate. my confidence is so high, yet my esteem of self is so low. i know i'm competent and able, but i still engage in attention seeking behaviour, abusing everything around me when i feel overwhelmed or unsatisfied. cheap thrills have worn out their welcome and i don't even know how to approach something in a genuine, wholesome way anymore. the worst part is that in order for me to navigate all of this, and speak with my psych, i have to pay out the ass for some armchair perspective from outside of the box that i'm already aware of. i'm at the point where i'm ready to start experimenting with meds, but they still are getting to the root of my behavioural issues and helping me get away from the past.

i'm usually very patient, but i am growing extremely impatient making myself near-broke on a month to month basis just trying to get my health in check, physically and mentally. i have been at the lowest of my lows in the last 12 months, and at times i see improvments - at other times, i see myself growing worse. one piece of me regresses, while another part of me pushes forward and evolves. all of this also feels so antithetical to how I've always been. i bottled the abuse and trauma that i dealt with between my preteens until i left the military for so many fucking years. then i let it consume me, and let it invade every relationship i've ever had in my life. i want it to stop. i want to flourish, i want to nurture, to weed out my own garden - but it feels like i shouldn't be anymore. as if it's forbidden, because i think that i'm bound to hurt the people i involve myself with in the end.

eternally, again, i remain optimistic. i will never let any of this truly defeat me, and i realize the responsibility i have to myself to right my wrongs and be the person i really want to be. however, i just wish i could be happy about the little things, because constantly working toward the bigger picture is exhausting, and dealing with my own disappointment has drained me. but, i keep moving forward, for my own selfish sake. for me, myself and i.

[skitskatdacat63]

Back in my monthly depression era ig but. Thinking about social media and art, and how their relationship has fucked with me. I'm glad I started drawing fanart and I don't regret it. And I think I've really improved my skill this past half year plus. But man it gives me such a terrible complex. That paranoia of "who even would give a shit about this" and "when will people be done with me."

I think any artist always craves some recognition and praise no matter how much you say you draw for yourself. You can draw for yourself but it's still extremely gratifying and inspiring to have people's approval or thoughts on it.I used to draw for myself more and draw so much random art, but I discussed it a lot with friends and it made it more gratifying, to have that interest. And I lost that kinda, a lot. I feel like for a bit btwn losing that and drawing fanart, I can't really remember, I didn't draw as much bcs it just felt a bit unrewarded and it felt bleh.

And then I started drawing fanart. Which felt very rewarding. I'm happy I've not ever really felt the desire to make widely "appealing" art. If you look at even the first things I posted, it's extremely niche, and that's been a lot of fun! But it's also just made me so paranoid and self conscious. What if people get tired of this. What if people find it strange. What if people find it annoying. What if I'm being repetitive. Etc. It's really irritating bcs I KNOW people have told me they find my stuff interesting and that they like it. But my brain can't help but think, what is the expiration date on this, when will it become boring. I discuss my art with people and it's fun, but that self consciousness clings to me like a parasite. Like ah I better hurry this up and enjoy it while I can before they get annoyed and tired of it.

I guess this is all to say, I don't always like my relationship with art, and I hate the way social media messes with your brain. I remember for a bit I would post my art on Instagram and do the whole hashtag game. And then realized it was messing with my relationship with art so I dropped it. And then did the same thing with Twitter, than dropped it, etc. I just hate how I can't let myself enjoy anything. Idk maybe I'm just burnt out or something, but whenever I think of drawing lately, there's just this voice being like "what's the point of even drawing this, why would anyone care." I hate you evil voice in my brain!!!! It's not even a thing about notes, and I feel greedy even simply admitting any of this. I think it's more of a craving of a deeper connection and discussion. Which is what I always seek when I create art. But social media makes you think about numbers and attention and makes it unhealthy and makes you feel guilty for wanting something that's pretty reasonable.

Blah blah blah anyways don't reply to this like, oh you need to fix your relationship w art by taking a break from socmed! It's just this continual cycle and maybe one day I'll break it. But sometimes it just hits harder some days. I just want to stop feeling cringe. I hate it cause internally I'm like "I am cringe but I am free" but that only has to do with actually creating the stuff. Posting about it is the trap I think. Again though, it's natural to crave discussion and approval, but putting myself out there makes me want to curl up in a ball. I miss the days when I was younger and creating all kinds of random art and forcing it upon people with absolutely no shame. But now it's like. I toss my art into the room and shut the door and hide behind it with bated breath. And it often feels like any conversation I have just sates me for a tiny bit and then I go back to feeling empty. Is it ungrateful? Or is it just natural to want to keep having and partaking in a good thing?

Someone sent me advice on this feeling at some point, about how its better to talk to people individually rather than just on main. And I agree! I had a lot of fun the last third of last year. And for some reason it's just felt different ever since the new year began. I just don't know how to recover, and to start having fun like that again. I've drawn a lot of things I've immensely enjoyed since the year began, but for some reason, which I can't really parse, have had way worse self loathing and insecurity about it all. I just wanna recover my joy back :( is that too much to ask

Tldr; yay art improvement! Complex ideas! Much discussion! However: nay! Makes me feel cringe! Makes me feel like I'm running on limited time! Makes me crave too much!

[littlegreenolives]

the big 9 - 1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

was going to just make one large post of all these criteria but I have the blessing...curse...blursing? of being a chronic over writer and as such will be making 9 probably overly detailed and dramatic posts lol

thought I'd do a chronicle(?) of the 9 diagnostic criteria and how I perceive them now in my recovery vs. a few years ago when I was still seriously struggling. Many of these things have improved in recent years through a combination of routines, long term job and relationship, getting a cat and maintaining a healthier lifestyle.

My fear of abandonment always reminded me of that David Foster Wallace quote,

"Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it."

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been terrified of losing people. When I was a child, I couldn’t articulate it in any sensible or rational way, I still barely can. I’m sure it was the loss of my mother that caused it, although the more I’ve gotten to know my father, the more I believe that his traits and tendencies align closely with the BPD experience. It leads me to believe that I developed these traits more so through watching and learning from him and clinging to his responses after losing my other parent so young, but that early exposure to loss definitely didn't help.

My grade school relationships were punctuated by jealousy and intense feelings of inadequacy. I desperately longed to be able to articulate the intense feelings of fear and instability I felt in my relationships, the gut feelings that had no real basis which told me that every minute I was away from my loved ones was an opportunity for them to realize how much they despised me, to cheat on me, then to get in a fatal car accident (that was the only logical explanation for not getting a text back in under 30 minutes), which would end up making me feel wracked with shame and guilt for demonizing them in my mind or sending anxiety fueled texts in need of reassurance and validation when those could’ve been the last thing the person read from me. Constant nightmares about friends turning on me, loved ones dying, screaming at people to stay only for them to laugh in my face and leave with someone better. There was always someone better than me. When I got broken up with for the last time with a particularly difficult partner, he told me to kill myself and so I went home, took 30 zoloft, drank a bottle of wine, recorded video messages for everyone in my family and tried to jump off the roof. He said jump, me desperately wanting to keep playing the sadistic game if it meant not losing him simply asked "how high?"

College was an opportunity for these issues to run rampant and my insecurities to be briefly mitigated by addictions. Weed, booze, pills all numbed those intense fearful feelings and smoothed over the painful minutes that ticked by while I sat by the phone waiting for a text from my current FP. So many vicious cycles, associations and maladaptive coping methods that I didn't realize I was creating which would take years of rigorous therapy and mental work to unlearn. I would call on people for help only to turn around and push them away, make grandiose and frightening statements then go back on my words as I became deeply embarrassed and ashamed of what I'd said and done if I could even remember it - the BPD tunnel vision during a panicked perceived abandonment was insane. I was in a constant state of bending to people's whims and desires while desperately seeking a genuine connection, believing that I was so unlovable and devoid of self that anyone who got close enough would see through the façade and run.

Those who did get close enough to start to know me were like unmanaged fires in my mind, if I got too close I would begin to get burned. Eventually the flames would become so painful that I would have to lash out and drive them away from me. The confused apologies and soft reconciliations were like a balm for the burns, but now there were those tender areas which would inevitably get burnt again and would hurt even more. Soon, the balm would stop working and I would have to permanently get away in order to eliminate the pain. I was starting these fires that burned down so many bridges with helpless bystanders in the wake of them all.

Certain people stuck in my brain, those who knew how to abuse the cycle and train my brain to crave them like a drug. I don't think they were fully aware of what they were doing, those with BPD know more than most how easy is it to slip into subtle manipulation because you can read people and situations so easily, the moral ambiguity of it all exists in the pervasive emptiness this disorder creates. I don't think "the mask slipping" is the correct term, but I do think that these people who I let see the real me - the frightened child huddled away in the recesses of my heart who was reaching for reassurance and normalcy - they took that vulnerability and used it to keep me in their lives. Constantly breaking up with and getting back together with me with threats of self harm, it felt like reopening a wound that never had time to heal. BPD isn't the only thing which is associated with abandonment issues obviously, I think these people happened to have their own fears of being left and clung just as hard as I did to avoid losing a meaningful relationship.

My way of trying to eliminate this constant distress was to push everyone away, become an unavailable hermit in transient superficial relationships in which I had no real past. I stopped letting people in, stopped getting attached and worked to repair the fractured relationship with myself. This was one of the many aspects of my BPD recovery which I felt could not be depicted well in a handbook. It wasn't the ideal method of healing as it involved me alienating myself from my supports, but it helped me to become more self sufficient and improve my abysmal self talk. I had taken a year of celibacy years before this which had also proven insanely helpful for my recovery process, this was just the next step I guess.

I eventually let someone in and have been unlearning even more of the issues I didn't even know I had in relationships. Those things will always come up. I've come to understand how silly it is to assume that I will ever be "cured" or even in "remission" of this illness, instead I try to look at it as my brain developing differently due to acute stress and learned dysfunctional coping methods. There are positives which come with these differences in brain functioning as well and much of it is really just subjective anyways.

I've lost people since as well, one of whom I'm having an incredibly difficult time navigating coping with. It never stops, like I said, the process of recovering and learning how to live a life with these fears and the near total lack of emotional permanence. Best and also unfortunately hardest thing with BPD is to let time pass and let your feelings flow with it. It's a beautiful thing at times to be so elastic given repeat exposures to situations, not everyone has a brain capable of change like this. While it makes things incredibly difficult and confusing at times, it also allows for a profound understanding of beauty in the minutia of life.

Many of these feelings have persisted over the years but they've become fleeting subconscious thoughts, things that used to knock me out and take so much time to process and deal with that lessened in intensity simply due to the passage of time. I believe that time is truly such a healer for BPD (as long as you're using it wise mindedly lol). Old assumptions and scripts for the steps of predetermined doomed relationships can be rewritten and scrapped with every new experience in healthy and safe relationships instead of novel but dangerous ones.

[lunawings]

For long-time followers who may wanna read

So I’ve been more or less hiding the past three years. I mean, so has most of the rest of the world but in addition to the pandemic I’ve also been struggling to redefine my adult life and find my place in the world again. Now that things are opening up again (for real? maybe?) I’ve been feeling more emotionally ready to both take on new challenges and rediscover my old self. To go on adventures again. To go to new events. To get back into itabag making and maybe even cosplay??(!)? (if I’m ever able to afford it lol) 

I kinda have been doing that for the past year on a smaller scale. But I have a couple significantly bigger events coming up on my horizon. (One in particular is a HUGE dream come true sort of thing for me that I couldn’t accomplish in Japan.) And it’s made me feel really conflicted about what I want to do with this blog. 

When I was in Japan, this blog was my main outlet for sharing my various adventures. Because a lot of the time I would have no one to share them with, and seeing as I was (or in some cases, my group was) the only foreigner(s) at any event I visited, the likelihood I’d unexpectedly run into any followers of this blog was so extremely miniscule to the point where I felt safe posting most of the time.

But now that I’m in an English-speaking country, even though that chance is still fairly low it’s not impossibly low anymore. Funny or rather awful thing is, I think I’m equally if not more scared of meeting potential new friends than I am of meeting stalkers. Because I am THE absolute MASTER of destroying relationships, often before they even start.

Case and point two incidents that happened in the past year:

I was at a small, local con looking at merch in the dealer’s room. It was a dealer I had been circling all day before finally working up the courage to ask questions about the merch and make a purchase. I don’t remember what was on my mind, but I was really intently overthinking something about what I was going to buy when someone came up from behind me and complimented some of my PriPara badges pins. She was like “Oh it’s so hard to find people who like PriPara” or something like that. Fucking amazing opportunity to talk about one of my niche interests, right? But instead I panicked was just like “Oh thanks” and turned away because I wasn’t in the right headspace to handle a conversation at that time and didn’t consider until the moment was already long passed what I had done. 

A few months after that I was at an arcade. I’d finished playing a game but was still sitting at the machine watching someone else play. I’m not sure which came first, but a girl came up to me to both compliment the Ruby stuff on my bag and ask me if I’d move so she could play. She was perfectly nice about it, but I was just so mortally embarrassed that I’d been caught committing a cardinal sin of Japanese arcades (sitting at a game when you’re not playing it) that I was like “Oh sorry thanks” or whatever and just RAN away as fast as possible. Fuck. 

So... while I really doubt either of those two people follow this blog (if they do OH MY GOD IM SO SORRY), the idea that I might meet someone that does and if I do that I’ll absolutely ruin it is terrifying. I’m really attached to this blog but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea anymore. But I don’t really want to start over either. I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear and see what I feel comfortable with and/or quietly move some of my adventures elsewhere?

[searedwood]

30 Day Gay Journal Prompts

This is specifically designed for Pride Month and self celebration, but this can be for literally any other use. Except hate. No hate allowed.

Day 1- Write your preferred name(s), pronouns, nice nouns (nouns you like to be referred to as), and bad nouns (nouns you don't like to be referred to as).

Day 2- Record your triggers, from really bad to not as bad to getting over it. Add any specifications or notes if you feel like you need them. This is so you can identify what makes you uncomfortable or panicked, which will help you be able to identify and avoid a situation in which you may feel threatened, uncomfortable, or panicked.

Day 3- Make a list of signs that you are having a panic attack. This will help you be able to communicate to close friends or family members what may happen in an event you become panicked. This will also help you identify when you're having a panic attack, which will help you be able to calm down. Additionally, record some ways that will help stop the panic attack. For me, some ways of calming down are to go outside, my stuffie, breathing and grounding exercises, comfort music, and puns or jokes.

Day 4- Take some time and think about what makes you happy and relaxed. Write down your comfort music, comfort videos, and comfort characters. If you have a comfort game or movie, include that as well. This is to help you identify a source of calm, relaxation, and happiness that you can easily fall back on if you are uncomfortable or scared.

Day 5- Do some research on LGBTQIA+ labels, flags, and symbols. Write down your gender identity and what it means for you. Write down your sexual and romantic orientations as well, and what they mean for you. Additionally, draw little Pride Flags and symbols beside each label. I drew the genderfaunet flag on the inside cover of my journal, along with corresponding flowers that represent what I see in my identity, as well as what I hope to integrate into myself (Snowdrop - rebirth, Chrysanthemum - truth, Rose leaves - hope, Lilacs - growth/progress, Yarrow - healing, and Narcissus - self love)

Day 6- Write down the titles of your favorite LGBTQIA+ books, movies, TV shows, and games, or titles you want to see/read/play. Do a little digging and find out what titles sound interesting. Supporting LGBTQIA+ creators is a wonderful way to celebrate Pride.

Day 7- Journaling doesn't have to be just writing. Try drawing some LGBTQIA+ inspired art, whether it's just a few doodles, a flag or two, or a beautiful painting. Dedicate this entry to expressing yourself and your identity in a way without words.

Day 8- Write gay poetry. You may not think yourself talented or particularly good at writing poems, but that doesn't mean you should keep yourself from doing it, even for a day. Poetry is a wonderful way to bend language to your will and express yourself in a way that only you have to understand. Write a poem expressing your experience in the LGBTQIA+ community, or a poem detailing your first gay crush. Whatever you feel on your heart today, put it into beautifully unique words.

Day 9- Write about the moment you realized you weren't straight or binary. Alternatively, write about the moment you learned what the LGBTQIA+ community was. Describe your feelings and thoughts in the moment, and reflect over how they have changed and evolved over time.

Day 10- Take a moment and think about where you would be if LGBTQIA+ rights have existed all along, without the need for reform laws or protests. Write down who you think you would be, how you would live, and how easy it would be to do things you can't right now. At the same time, think about the disadvantages. Consider the lack of a fight for freedom and how that may influence your opinion or thoughts.

Day 11- Write a letter to your younger self. Tell your younger self about who you are and who you've become. Give them words of encouragement about the journey ahead. Remind your younger self that no matter what happens, you turn out to be a wonderful and beautiful person.

Day 12- Write a letter to your older self. Detail your present experience as a member/ally of the LGBTQIA+ community. Present your ideas about where the community will be moving forward and how much progress society as a whole will make. Ask yourself some questions, like "How do you celebrate your identity?" Later in the future, you can come back to this letter and respond.

Day 13- Learn some phrases or words of Polari. Polari is a critically endangered language invented by young gay men living in Britain. It was also used by circus men and theatre kids. Few LGBTQIA+ people now know of the language, so there's no better time to try to revive it.

Day 14- Do some research on Pride history. Record interesting or important events that marked the history of the LGBTQIA+ community. What happened at the first Pride Parade? Who was the first advocate for gay and lesbian marriage? What was the LGBTQIA+ community like before it was acceptable to be openly queer?

Day 15- Write a letter to those that are anti-LGBTQIA+. Explain why queer rights are humans rights. Tell them that love is love. Or, if you're feeling like letting loose that anger, just tell them off. This letter is for your eyes only, so don't be afraid to get mean if it makes you feel better.

Day 16- Take a moment and think about how you wish to represent yourself. Do you want to wear skirts and dresses? Do you prefer baggy pants and a puffy jacket? Do you like wearing makeup? How do you style your hair? Record how you currently dress and look and how you wish you could dress and look. Write about how your wishes reflect your identity.

Day 17- Write some ways you can improve on the way you treat yourself. Are you hard on yourself because you just can't make the right grade? Do you obsess over how you don't fit in to your family's standards of gender and sexuality? Give yourself some love and think about how you can be nicer to yourself. Remind yourself that school grades aren't more important than your own needs. Remember that if you are in an unhealthy relationship with friends or family, it isn't your fault.

Day 18- Write about what really makes you feel like yourself. You know better than anyone what your authentic self is. So what is it? What makes you feel really... you?

Day 19- If someone described you, what would they say? This can be anything from physical appearance to personality. This can help you think about how you present yourself to others. Do you want more people to know exactly what gender you identify as? Do you not want people to know what pronouns you prefer?

Day 20- Do some research on neopronouns. If you don't use any, perhaps you'll find a set or three you feel comfortable with (if not, that's fine!) If you can't do your own research, try making up your own set! I sometimes feel semi-feminine, like just a little teaspoon of femininity, but I don't really like she/her pronouns. So, I made for myself a set that sounds similar but isn't quite there. Xe/Xer/Xers/Xerself. The 'x' is pronounced like the 's' in 'measure.' A good way to make sure you know how to use a set of neopronouns in a sentence is to use this example I got from pronouny: Today I went to the park with xer. Xe brought xer frisbee. At least, I think it was xers. By the end of the day, xe was throwing the frisbee to xerself.

Day 21- Have you heard the phrase "black sheep of the herd"? It refers to someone that doesn't really fit in to their social group. In what ways are you the black sheep? Is it because of your identity or orientation? How can you help others to see you aren't different and shouldn't be alienated? How can you encourage people to welcome LGBTQIA+ people to the herd?

Day 22- Imagine you are teaching a class of young children about LGBTQIA+, gender, and sexual/romantic orientations. What would you say? How would you encourage them to be open minded and to explore their own identities?

Day 23- With great Pride comes great hardships. There are many obstacles and difficulties when it comes to finding your true self and figuring out your identity and orientation. What hardships have you overcome? What have you learned from them?

Day 24- One of your friends comes to you about having questions about gender identity. They are questioning their own identity and seek your help and support. List some ways you would help your friend feel supported and loved while also helping them discover their identity.

Day 25- List three things you would do if you weren't afraid. (For me, these would easily be: attending Pride Parades, advocating for queer rights, and coming out)

Day 26- Take your favorite or least favorite LGBTQIA+ ship and rewrite a scene as if they were together, or list some of your favorite queer ships.

Day 27- Discover some gender-neutral terms for things like family members, romantic partners, or honorifics (Mister, Miss, Mx.). If you can't find any you find interesting or comfortable, try creating some of your own. My pibling (parent+sibling) calls me their nibling or nibkid (NB term for sibling's child).

Day 28- Have you ever wanted to write a story? Record an idea or two, or three or four, for LGBTQIA+ stories. They can be anything from lesbian princesses to a coming-of-age trans story. Maybe you'll end up planning out your best seller!

Day 29- Think about what rights aren't granted to LGBTQIA+ people. What are they? Do they directly affect you as well? How do these lack of rights make you feel? What can you do to help advocate for these rights?

Day 30- The last day of Pride Month doesn't mean it's the last day of acceptance and love. How can you spread Pride throughout the year? How can you keep and open mind and heart and advocate for LGBTQIA+ rights? Maybe set a list of goals for yourself, things you want to keep up through the year.

[jnaffan]

Journal #2 ENG 101-010

Above all else, I believe that the Golden rule sums up my set of personal values better than the rest. To me this means to be fair and honest with all lifeforms. Why shouldn’t it? It’s the most logical mode of being if you want your community in good health. Too often do I see myself and others fall into the evil trap that is anger. This anger can only lead to one thing, mistreatment. 

I fear that mistreatment is like a line of falling dominos, taking everyone in the way of it’s inescapable grasp. It’s all too easy to become subservient to our reactionary emotions in times of distress. If someone driving in front of me is going 10 under the speed limit, I'm not going to be very happy. It’s moments like this I try and appreciate the fact that without a car, life would be a lot more inconvenient.

I really think that’s what it’s all about, seek out an optimistic angle in all situations. This certainly doesn’t mean go invalidate your feelings of sadness because you could be worse off. Feelings are natural and they’re what makes us so human, but sometimes they contain a very potent poisonous effect to our thoughts and actions. Many relationships in my life have ended this way. Love, sadness, anger that burns so passionately that it leads to heartbreak. 

Besides kindness and compassion and love and all that jazz, I think an important quality (not to mention a great indicator of success) is drive. With drive can come only greatness. It’s a difficult task to undertake, but it’s needed to complete any task with precision, and why would you not want to be precise in any matter? Anything worth doing is worth doing right.

I’ll use myself for example. Last semester I came into campus with intense motivation, much like a dry sponge ready to soak up knowledge. This feeling died out within the first month. The true state of life became fully apparent to me, and it overtook me. At the end of my first semester, I left back home with a C- and two mediocre B’s. At the time I couldn’t be less bothered. You know the old adage, “C’s get degrees.” This ignorance was short lived. Seeing many of my friends bragging about getting all A’s or A’s and B’s, it was disheartening. I wanted to be in that position. Over break I realized that I want an education, not a degree. Put in the work and the rest will follow. I just had to break my old habits and I’d be golden. 

Here I am a month into the new semester, feeling just as much if not more passion than the very start. It’s paying off.. In five of my classes, I’m sitting at an easy 100%, as well as improving my music and skateboarding. It hasn’t been easy at times. I mean hell I’ve broken down. Who hasn’t. But we move forward and leave the past where it belongs.

[angelharness]

Various Slashers as Yandere Archetypes 

WARNINGS: yandere content 

Another non-requested piece. I actually found myself terribly interested in the concept after my last post musing on the topic (found here), though I’d like to restate that I don’t believe I’ll be writing more on the matter, unless a commission. 

Will firmly reiterate last time’s warning, it’s very important to recognize this characterization as unhealthy and to never enable such behavior in any real relationships. 

Will be sorting each slasher into seven classes, including Isolating, Manipulative, Dependent, Possessive, Obsessive, Delusional, and Lucid

The definitions vary greatly depending on the Slasher, while some may not fit an archetype listed, or could be a hybrid of any number of them. It’s also very possible for them to fit multiple subcategories. 

For reference, a general key would be

Isolating - (Usually gradually) cuts off s/o from their friends and family, secluding them and asserting themselves as their only social contact. Goal is perhaps to make s/o reliant on them.

Manipulative - Fairly straightforward, though the means of manipulation vary. Often emotionally controlling. Might resort to guilting the s/o or self-destructive tendencies to get them to stay. Goal is to assert control over s/o.

Dependent - Depends on s/o for stability or comfort. Might suffer from separation anxiety and as such is terribly clingy. Often ignores other social ties to focus on their s/o. No implicit goal, but usually wishes for reciprocation of feelings.

Possessive - Similar to Manipulative and often a package deal. Would under no circumstances share their s/o, likely frets over losing them (perhaps to romantic rivals or even misguidedly anyone they falsely deem a threat). Goal is to assert control over s/o. 

Obsessive - Not necessarily Possessive, though the two sometimes come together. An Obsessive might not outwardly act on their fixation, but silently pines intensely for their s/o. Fixates heavily on their s/o. Goal is to become closer to the person of interest, or wishes for reciprocation of feelings.

Delusional - Hard opposite of Lucid. They likely wrongly believe their feelings are reciprocated, believe them and their s/o are meant to be, or that their s/o is in denial of their feelings and it’s up to them to help them realize this. No implicit goal, but usually wishes for reciprocation of feelings.

Lucid - Hard opposite of Delusional. Well aware that their feelings are unhealthy and destructive, but usually represses these thoughts or simply doesn’t care. Might feel guilt, but it’s often overshadowed by longing. May have any of the formerly listed goals.

BILLY LENZ

Dependent, Possessive

He is a complex case. His lucidity comes in brief episodes, then wanes to stubborn delusion. Generally, though, he’s dependent on you for a sense of stability. When you leave, he throws somewhat of a tantrum, absolutely trashes the place, tears the wallpaper, knocks shit over, then curls up in a corner, stewing in a vicious, wordless rage. On the rare occasions, afflicted by guilt, he’ll silently clean it up, intensely avoiding your gaze all the while. Most of the time, though, you’re left to deal with the damage of his uncertain temper. He feels like you’re abandoning him, even if you fully have the intent to return; when you do come through the door he launches into your arms, all rushed kisses and crushing hugs. Inevitably, though, the cycle will repeat once more, gradually wearing you thin and thinner. Like a sweater heavily loved. But this love is intense and merciless. 

CARRIE WHITE

Dependent, Delusional

Carrie is very much wary coming into this relationship. She’s so baffled by affection, true and honest affection, no underlying teasing, no stifled giggles, that she nearly breaks down. It takes much adjusting, but soon, she’s hooked. She becomes dependent on your praise and approval to function routinely. Anything you dislike she does as well. You’re always so right, she thinks, so puzzlingly perfect. She idolizes you to the point she blocks out any of your flaws (which come with being human), entirely eliminating the possibility from her mind. She’s willing to overlook any fault, anyway, but she’s dazed by the spectacle of genuine love. Every moment you’re away is a unique, awful pain, singed with worry (you’re leaving, you found someone better), and though in those moments she thinks there’s no possible greater agony, the bliss of your presence keeps her around. She doesn’t care for anyone else—they never cared for her, and it’s not like their compassion would compare, either way. She decides you’re all she needs.

JASON VOORHEES

Obsessive, Isolating

First confronting his feelings, he disregards it casually, assuming it’d be easy to ignore. He busies himself with work, but finds this fixation occupying his thoughts in increasingly frequent intervals. He knows something needs to be done when it starts directly interfering with his chores, leading to sloppy work and far too many victims fleeing. The easy answer is to off you. He hunts you down with that intent, well ready to finally rid of this distraction. But he can’t. Stands there with a hellish anxiety wracking his chest, a feeling only distantly familiar, recalling the days when his heart did beat. He’s so intensely, frustratingly obsessed with you—it upsets him even, confuses him tremendously. All he knows for certain is that he wouldn’t be able to stand you with someone else; doesn’t care if he’s not that someone, as long as it’s not anybody else. From then on, it’s a very last minute change of plans; keep you alive, isolate you, make you dependent on him. He’s not the type to force affection on you, but rather, would purposefully withdraw it for extended periods of time, until you seek it of your own will, in which case he will reward you with the desired attention. 

BRAHMS HEELSHIRE

Possessive, Manipulative 

Like Billy, has a fragile temper that can be quite a minefield to traverse. You can never be sure what will upset him, but when it does he makes sure it’s known. Could additionally be classified as isolating, as he will immediately confine you to the manor. Leaving is far out of the question, though later on he might permit you to extend this bit of freedom to the expanse of garden surrounding the mansion (he will, however, keep you far from the gates). He makes himself out to be entirely helpless without your guidance and care, though that must be wrong, being how he’s had only himself for much of his time living in the space between the walls. It gets you to stay, and that’s what matters in the moment. But eventually, the need to escape his suffocating presence vastly exceeds your will to stay. When that time comes, an effectively inevitable outcome, Brahms had realized in the back of his head, he’ll turn to violence, first in tantrums then in threats directed to both yourself and him. Isn’t beyond killing you if he’s convinced you’re set on leaving and there’s nothing he can do.

BUBBA SAWYER

Dependent, Possessive

Partly delusional, but knows you’re unwilling. Still, relies on you for a feeling of normalcy, that distant echo of a real, functional relationship. Couldn’t bear the thought of you with anyone else, so much he might resort to threats of violence to coerce you into staying. Whether these are empty or significant falls on you to figure out. Liable to tantrums when you’re away, though the severity of these outbursts is determined by his current stability. He considers you part of the family, though at the end of the day, Drayton gets the final say on your status of life. He’ll plead desperately and with genuine distress, but it doesn’t take much pushing for him to cave in on himself; he’s far more scared to disobey the family. If he’s to kill you, he’ll go about it sweetly, clumsy, unfamiliar kisses as he smooths your hair down, trying uselessly to calm you. Your struggling and crying only troubles him, and he might hurry up the process just to quiet that awful commotion. If Drayton allowed, though, he’d keep you as a sort of pet; you’re to stay in his room or at his side and never stray. You’re given a seat at the dinner table as long as you pull your weight and pitch in (albeit unwillingly) with household chores. 

AMANDA YOUNG / THE PIG

Lucid, Manipulative 

Fairly coherent regarding her emotions, though this regulation never translates into her actions, which are twisted by impulse and anxieties. Unintentionally incredibly manipulative, will very quickly turn to self-destructive exploits to gain your sympathy and convince you to stay. Eventually, she stops caring if you’re only sticking around out of a feeling of necessity. If you ever show intent to leave, though, she’d panic. Amanda can’t conceive a life without you now that she’s met you, and though she despises how dependent she’s become on you for stability, she can’t will herself to try and improve. Your attention is a new, frightening addiction; the highs come with affection and compassion, but then withdrawal in the periods you’re away. These acts of love have to be greater and greater than the last to recreate that same rush of intoxication. She’d allow you the illusion of freedom, reminding you often you can leave if you wanted (it’s all a ploy for sympathy), but makes a show of how pathetic she is without you. She can barely function, and though she hates this vulnerability, her balance of mind being dependent on another person, she’s trapped herself in an unforgiving sequence of self-destructive desperation and a murderous temper. 

[yellowcanna]

The ZhongXiao Alliance

Summary:

“You requested the bard to get you porn?” Diluc questioned with a skeptical look on his face.

“No!” Aether shouted, waving his hands frantically in front of him. “It’s for…for Paimon!”

“WHAT?!” Paimon screamed off the top of her lungs before spinning around to see the pair of crimson eyes narrowing at her while the blue one twinkled with amusement. 

"So he says." Kaeya gestured to the Honourary Knight.

“No! Paimon would never read these kinds of things! It’s adeptus Xiao!!”

“An adeptus from Liyue want you two to get porn?” The disbelief in the tavern owner’s voice was clear.

“This is all for Morax’s sake!” Venti pipped up from behind Aether, as if that would make the situation any better. 

“Oh? Morax?” The Cavalry Captain raised a brow. "So it is the Geo Archon that wanted the porn?” 

Aether buried his face into his hands. He should have never taken up on Xiao's request. No, before that, he shouldn't have taken Zhongli's request. 

This whole mess started when Zhongli confessed to Xiao in the wrong order, starting with sex.

Now, it's up to one traveller, one emergency food, and one bard to make things right...by getting Xiao a guide to sexual intercourse.

Rating: 18+

Genre: Mutual pining, comedy, miscommunication, romantic fluff, smut, yaoi

Pairing: Main Zhongli/Xiao, side Aether/Venti, hint of Kaeya/Diluc and Xingqiu/Chongyun

Story type: Multi-chapter

Beta’d by: Amberowl123

中文 Chinese Translation available by: Yejet

╔ ✦✧✦ ═════════════╗

Available on AO3!!

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                             MAIN                 NEXT ▻

    CHAPTER 1 - ZhongXiao Alliance, Dispatch!

   The Guardian Yaksha does not dream.

Perhaps it was his punishment for devouring the dreams of so many innocent people, but Xiao never dreamed—not since the Archon War. Even sleep was something he did scarcely. Whenever he closed his eyes, all that came was the painful memories that haunted him even to this day.

Xiao had just returned to Guili Plains after the battle with Osial when a weird drowsiness crept up to him. Instead of fighting it, he simply closed his eyes and welcomed the sensation. When he opened his eyes once more, he was standing above the clouds with the sunset sky surrounding him.

Standing before him, was a man with long raven hair tied behind his back and eyes in the colour of Cor Lapis. This was a form that Xiao had not seen in many, many years. It was the Geo Archon’s real form—the form he always used during the war.

“My lord,” Xiao bowed deeply.

“Xiao,” Rex Lapis smiled warmly at him. “It seems you’ve already figured out.”

“I had my suspicions when I saw the Sigil of Permission.” Xiao explained calmly. “It was perfectly replicated, but the power imbued within was different than yours. The Sigil of Permission has not appeared in many centuries, it’s unthinkable for it to suddenly appear right after Rex Lapis' death, let alone one so perfectly replicated that even the adepti were fooled.”

“And that is how you knew of my plans and went along with it…” The raven-haired man let out a deep chuckle. “I expected nothing less from you.”

Xiao hesitated before straightening and stared into the archon’s gentle eyes. Every time Xiao saw those eyes, he couldn’t help but remember how they once looked during the Archon War. Back then, Rex Lapis was ruthless towards his enemies, sealing gods one after another with his mighty spear. His eyes were cold, reflecting only little warmth for those who he called friends and comrades. During that time, there was no room for gentleness or compassion.

It was a time of kill or be killed.

However, as the years went by, Xiao was keenly aware that every time they met, the hardness in his archon’s eyes would soften little by little—like the sharp edges of rock being smoothed by the waves known as time.

“Was the result to your satisfactory, my lord?”

“Yes.” The archon folded his hands behind his back. “And there is no more need for formality, Xiao. Rex Lapis is now a thing of the past. With the death of Rex Lapis, all have come to an end.”

Xiao stiffened and his cat-like eyes dilated even further. “My lord…I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“Xiao, the age of adepti is over,” Rex Lapis said, gaze softening at the Yaksha that had been by his side for so long. “Your duty as the Conqueror of Demons has been fulfilled. You have witnessed it yourself, have you not? The people of Liyue no longer need the protection of the adepti.”

Xiao didn’t speak. While he couldn’t deny that, he also couldn’t accept being told his duty was fulfilled like this.

If so, then what else was he good for…?

“Xiao.”

A hand touched his cheek and Xiao felt a weird flutter within his gut. Despite being a dream, the hand felt warm even through the black leather glove. He let the hand guide his head up and was startled by how close they were. If this was not a dream, Xiao was certain he would be able to feel the god’s breath on his face.

“I wish for you to lay with me.”

Xiao’s jaw fell slack. His pure yellow eyes stared at his archon’s serious face, yet despite his shock, he still mustered the ability to answer.

“Ah…yes.”

✧✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧

“…Yes? Yes?!” Paimon squawked. She and Aether sat across the archon by the name of Zhongli, both of them staring at him with their mouths wide open. “Just like that?!”

“Yes?” Zhongli answered, setting down the cup of tea he was sipping on.

“Wait, wait, hold on! Did you just…did you just ask Adeptus Xiao to—!!” Paimon wasn’t able to finish since she bit her tongue in her rush to get the words out. She was jumping up and down in midair, hands slapped over her mouth with a pained expression twisting her face.

Aether quickly handed her a napkin before glancing back to the funeral parlour consultant. “Uh, Zhongli…” he began, still trying to wrap his head around what the god had just told them. “You and Adeptus Xiao are dating?”

“Dating?” Zhongli’s brows furrowed in confusion. It took him a while to understand what that word meant. “You are referring to courtship?”

“Courtship?”

“For adepti, our relationships work differently than humans. We do not undergo dating as mortals call it.”

“Is there a difference?” The blond blinked.

“For adepti, we choose our partners based on compatibility. We imbue our power within an item and give it to the party we are interested in. The other party will then choose whichever gift they felt is compatible to them. Once they accept a gift, it means they are willing to become a pair with the sender.”

“So…what you’re saying is when they accept a gift, then they're pretty much married?!” Paimon gaped.

“Well, that is one way to put it, though there are ceremonies needed to be performed in order to complete courtship…”

“Have you and Adeptus Xiao performed the ceremony?” Aether inquired.

“Regretfully, we have not.” Zhongli sighed. “Due to my responsibilities as the Geo Archon, there were many things I am unwilling to tie Xiao down to. Even if I didn’t ask, he will still take on my burden as his own, and that is not something I wish to see. I want nothing but for him to live freely so I told him to wait until the time of Rex Lapis is no more.”

“And now that you’re not Rex Lapis anymore, you’re going to tie the knot!” Paimon was finally able to put everything together.

The corner of Aether’s lips twitched at his travel companion’s words. Would asking someone to go to bed with them be considered tying the knot? Retorts aside, Aether was happy for both Zhongli and Xiao. While Aether may not know Xiao as much, the way Zhongli’s features soften when he spoke of the Yaksha showed just how much he loved the other.

“Which is why I like your help, as unfortunately, I am inexperienced in such a field.” Zhongli looked up at the pair. “I am lost as to what gifts I should prepare, so I hope I could ask you for suggestions.”

“Aren’t you two together? How could you not know what he likes?!” Paimon looked at the man with judging eyes.

Zhongli smiled softly, not the slightest bit offended by Paimon’s words. “You are right. That is a fault on my end.”

“Uh…Paimon didn’t mean anything by that,” Aether hurriedly said while nudging his floating companion.

“What? Paimon didn’t say anything wrong!”

“Paimon!”

“It’s alright,” Zhongli chuckled, looking directly at the blond. “Can I trouble you to find out what Xiao likes for me? I would ask him myself, but he may become suspicious if I do.”

“I don’t mind, but wouldn’t it also be suspicious if we seek him out just to ask what he likes?” Aether brought up this issue worriedly.

As though waiting for him to say that, Zhongli reached into his pocket and pulled out a small pouch, setting it on the table. “You can tell him that I asked you to deliver this to him. Oh…and Paimon, please don’t eat it.”

“Hey! What do you take Paimon for?!” Paimon snapped, cheeks puffing in anger.

“What is this?” Aether took the bag and smelled the strong scent of medicine coming from the pouch.

“It is painkillers.”

“Painkiller?” Aether’s golden eyes widened at the pouch in his hand, then to Zhongli. “Is he hurt?”

“No, but at times he suffers from pain that can only be eased by this medicine. You can find Xiao at Guili Plains. Call his name and he will come to you.”

Aether nodded, not asking anymore on the painkillers and put it into his bag. With that, the two outlanders set out to Guili Plains.

The trip took half a day, but they managed to arrive by sunset. They found a nice meadow free from monsters and people before Aether sucked in a deep breath and shouted Xiao’s name at the top of his lungs.

He didn’t even finish screaming out the last syllable when a gust of wind nearly knocked him off his feet.

“Enough. I can hear you just fine without your hollering,” a familiar cold voice spoke from behind.

When Aether turned around, he was greeted by the sight of the green-haired adeptus, standing there with his arms crossed over his chest and his face perfectly neutral without an ounce of emotion.

“Adeptus Xiao!” Aether smiled happily.

“It’s been a while!” Paimon waved. Ever since they fought together against Osial, Paimon’s image of the aloof adeptus had greatly improved.

“So it has,” Xiao acknowledged before his eyes shifted to Aether. He tilted his head by a fraction, yellow eyes scanning over the blond like a curious cat. “You have something for me.” The words that came from his mouth wasn’t a question, but a firm statement.

“Oh, yes!” Aether reached into his backpack and pulled out the medicine from Zhongli. “We were told to deliver this to you. And also, thank you for saving my life back then, Adeptus Xiao.”

“You were aiding us in the battle to protect Liyue, it is only natural,” Xiao replied, taking the bag of medicine. He stared at the pouch for a long time, seeming to be thinking over something before speaking in a quiet tone. “Did Rex…did that person tell you to relay anything to me?”

“You mean Zhongli?” Aether asked.

“Zhongli…I see, so that is the name he is using now,” Xiao mumbled.

Aether thought Xiao looked a bit off just now, but this was also a good chance for him to start a conversation. “So Adeptus Xiao, since you and Zhongli are together, what—”

“What?” Xiao’s head instantly snapped up, eyes dilated as they locked dangerously on the blond. “Who told you such preposterous thing?!” He snarled, looking as though he was ready to rip whoever that spoke those words to shreds.

“Wait! Wait! C-calm down!” Paimon panicked. “We didn’t mean anything by that!”

“Y-yeah!” Aether quickly tried to back track. He didn’t know why Xiao was suddenly so angry, but he needed to hurry and calm the situation. “I thought maybe you two are, considering—”

“Considering Zhongli asked you to sleep with him!” Paimon finished for Aether who wanted to shove an entire Sticky Honey Roast into her mouth so she couldn’t speak for a while. He was going to put it in a better way, but she went ahead and said it straight out like this!

Thankfully, Xiao had swiftly collected himself again and the pressuring aura around him faded away.

“I don't know how much you know of him," the adeptus began, "but he was the one who freed me from my suffering and bestowed the name Xiao upon me. Disrespect him again and there will not be a next time."

Disrespect?

Aether wanted to ask what he meant by that, but he knew it was best not to bring it up at the moment. If it came down to a fight, he was no match against the adeptus with his current powers.

“Then…you two…?” Aether trailed off, carefully eyeing Xiao in case he blew up again.

“I am simply chosen to be his bed partner, that’s all there is to it,” Xiao replied impassively, turning his head away to stare off into the distance.

“…Huh?” Aether and Paimon echoed at the same time, staring dumbfounded at the adeptus.

This…wasn’t what they were told?!

“Bed…partner?” Paimon gaped. “But Zhongli—hmph!”

Paimon struggled against the iron hold Aether had over her with one arm wrapping around her torso and the other firmly covering that big mouth of hers.

“What is it?” Xiao asked, lifting his eyes to look at them.

“Nothing!” Aether did his best to pull off a smile. “Paimon just ate something bad, don’t mind her.”

“…I see,” Xiao looked away again. It was either he didn’t notice their strange behaviour or didn’t care—it was quite obviously the latter. “Please tell him that I still need some more time. Allow me to have a week to prepare.”

“Prepare for what?” The blond didn’t know why, but he was suddenly getting a really bad feeling of all this. Xiao was clearly misunderstanding something here…or perhaps the one who misunderstood was Zhongli?

Either way, these two were obviously not on the same page.

Aether’s head was hurting from trying to put together the pieces of this situation. Weren’t Zhongli and Xiao dating, or court-shipping if that was even the right word? Why was Xiao talking as though he was just chosen to become Zhongli’s sex partner?

“Traveller, I would like to ask for your help.” Xiao suddenly said. “Naturally, I will compensate you for your trouble.”

“There’s no need for that! If it’s anything I could do, I’ll be glad to help!” The blond waved his hands in front of him—dropping Paimon in the process. The little fairy, pixie, dwarf—whatever she was—hit the ground with a pained cry before flying back up and shooting Aether a resentful look.

The blond secretly gave her an apologetic glance.

“I need you to gather twenty wild Cecilias,” Xiao requested, ignoring the two’s not so subtle interactions.

“Cecilia? From Mondstadt?” Aether and Paimon shared a look. Neither of them expects that Xiao would ask them to get anything from another nation.

“Yes.” There was a moment of pause before Xiao began to explain. “I would go there myself, but as an adeptus that once served Rex Lapis, I cannot cross into the other nation without the permission from the archon of that land.”

“I’m sure that tone-deaf—er, I mean the Anemo Archon! I’m sure he would mind though?” Paimon said.

“It's not a matter of whether the Anemo Archon would mind, but a matter of rules and regulations.” Xiao said sternly—as one would expect from a follower of the God of Contracts.

“That’s no problem. We were planning on visiting Mondstadt anyway.” Aether smiled.

“You have my gratitude,” Xiao turned to leave when he recalled something else. “There…is one other thing I want you to find for me.”

“What is it?” Aether asked and watched as Xiao pulled out a small bag. From the jingling sound inside, it was a bag of Mora.

“Oh! I knew you were different, Adeptus Xiao!” Paimon cheered, quickly taking the Mora from Xiao before Aether could.

“I want you to find a book,” Xiao explained. “I know little of Mora’s worth, if there’s not enough, come back to find me.”

“Of course! We’re more than happy to help!” Paimon weighted the Mora and was delighted by how heavy the bag was.

“Where did you get the Mora from?” Aether inquired. He didn’t mean anything when he asked this. It was out of pure curiosity because of all the gods he knew so far, all of them were broke, including the one who created Mora. The blond also highly doubted that Xiao would have a job considering that he was an adeptus who disliked mingling with humans.

“I got it from some Treasure Hoarders around the area,” was the response.

Aether sweatdropped at the thought of the adeptus beating up the Treasure Hoarders and robbing them of their wallets. No matter how he thought of it, there was something off about that image…

“Then that means it’s free Mora!” Paimon obviously didn’t share the same concern as Aether. “We happen to have a lot of connections with people who know a lot about books! What book are you looking for?”

“I need a book that teaches sexual intercourse.”

CLANG

The bag of Mora was dropped to the ground, creating a jingle of sound. The two stared at Xiao, wondering if they had heard his words properly. Surely Xiao didn’t say he needed a book about…

“Wha…what did you say?” Paimon laughed nervously while scratching the back of her head.

“I need a book that can teach me sex—”

“Okay, okay, we know what you need!” Aether frantically stopped the adeptus. “But um…why do you need that?”

“Rex—…my lord requested me to be his bed partner, but I have neither experience nor knowledge.” Xiao gritted his teeth as though it was something he should be frustrated over. Moreover, it was amazing he could say something like that with a straight face. “Since he called for me to become his partner, I cannot taint my body with anyone else to practice…”

“No, even if it didn’t matter you shouldn’t sleep around for something like that!” Aether instantly cut off the Yaksha’s dangerous thoughts.

“That’s right!” Paimon agreed, also extremely worried now. “Do you even know what Zhongli is asking you?”

“Of course.” The adeptus’ fine brows furrowed. He didn’t seem happy by Paimon’s question which was basically doubting whether or not he understood his archon’s intention. “Since he has summoned me to his bed, it is only natural that I am able to provide pleasure to him.”

“No, you’re getting it all wrong!” Aether tried to explain, but Xiao’s mind was already set.

“Once you find the items, I will meet you back here.” With that, he vanished in a flash of green light.

The two outlanders stared at the empty place where the adeptus once was, then to the bag of Mora lying on the ground.

Neither of them spoke the entire journey back to Liyue Harbour, fearing that the adeptus would overhear their conversation. It was only after they crossed through the gate and into the mass of people populating the city that they dared to speak.

“We have to find Zhongli! This is his entire fault! What courting?! They’re not even together at all!” Paimon shouted. She continued her rant, but soon noticed the lack of reaction from her travel companion.

“Aether? Aether!” Paimon shook the blond until he snapped out of thought and looked up to her.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“Let’s hurry and find Zhongli!” Paimon urged.

“Hmm…but don’t you think it’s weird?” Aether wondered out loud. “How could two people have such different perspectives on their relationships?”

“That’s why we need to find Zhongli! C’mon! He should be at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.”

Aether nodded absentmindedly, thinking back to Xiao’s behaviour then to Zhongli’s. He recalled how happy Zhongli was and even though Xiao reacted negatively, that was only because he thought it was an insult to Zhongli.

While Aether wasn’t good at telling Xiao’s mood, the adeptus had stood there and spoke to them for a full fifteen minutes. Considering their previous interactions, the blond would say he was in a very good mood—some issues aside. That meant despite being troubled over Zhongli’s request, he was happy, right?

Though Aether had a feeling that happiness might be the fact that Rex Lapis asked something of him, not the detail of what was being asked.

Paimon was right. There was clearly a misunderstanding and they needed to tell Zhongli, but…

“No, let’s hold off on that.”

“What?!” Paimon looked at Aether like he was crazy. “But—”

“Let’s wait until we talk to Xiao again.”

With the situation of Stanley and Havria, Aether realized just how lonely these gods really were. If they tell this to Zhongli right now, there was no doubt that the archon would be crushed. If possible, he wanted to find a way for them to be happy. If he could talk to Xiao properly and let the adeptus understand the real situation, then maybe there wouldn’t be a need to tell Zhongli anymore.

“…Alright then.” Paimon agreed reluctantly. “But…where will we find that book?”

Aether stop in his track, face burning in red and the bag of Mora which was clutched in his hand felt unusually heavy.

“Looking for a book, my liege?” A voice suddenly called out to them, startling the two.

Aether spun around and was met by a familiar face he hadn’t seen for a while.

“Xingqiu!” The blond gasped, shoving the bag of Mora behind his back out of reflex before remembering there was no way anyone could tell what he was planning on buying with just this.

The teal-haired youth was standing there with a smile gracing his lips and a light blue parasol in his hands. “If you are looking for a book, I might be able to offer my assistance.”

“N-no, that’s alright!” Aether shouted, voice cracking in his panic.

“Yeah! It’s f-fine! We ugh…gotta go!” Paimon squeaked.

With that, the pair ran/flew off, leaving Xingqiu alone in the middle of the street, staring at their retreating forms.

“X-Xingqiu…”

“Ah, Chongyun!” Xingqiu turned to see his friend finally coming out of the old antique store. “Did you find it?”

“Yeah…” Chongyun hesitantly held up a book that was wrapped up in brown paper. His face was flushed in pink and he squirmed uncomfortably. Xingqiu kindly opened the parasol and held it over the boy’s head, blocking the strong afternoon light for him.

“I-if I read this out loud, w-will this really make that rumoured lecherous spirit to appear?”

“But of course!” Xingqiu said cheerfully before his face dropped into sadness. “Do you doubt me, dear Chongyun?”

“No, of course not!” Chongyun hastily replied, face burning even more. “B-but I—”

“Then let us go search for that evil spirit!” Xingqiu happily guided Chongyun away while desperately trying to stifle the urge to laugh…

On the other side of the city, Aether and Paimon were standing below the Adventurers' Guild, trying to catch their breaths when another voice called out to them.

“Hey! Over here!!”

They looked up to see Xiangling sticking her head out from Wanmin Restaurant and waving at them. Guoba was there too, peeking its head from behind the door frame.

“Xiangling!” Aether went over to greet the girl. “It’s been a while, how are you?”

“Couldn’t be better! I just got these new ingredients and I’ve been dying to try them out! How about a meal? I’ll give you a special discount!”

At the mention of a meal and the smell of food, the two were reminded how they hadn’t had anything since morning. They agreed and Xiangling immediately went to work and prepared a hearty meal for them. After finishing the delicious food, Aether finally asked the question he had been pondering over the entire lunch on how to ask.

“By the way, Xiangling…do you uh, know any place that sells books?”

“Books? If it’s books, Wanwen Bookhouse got lots,” Xiangling answered, stacking up the plates.

“Ah, no, I mean…uh…” Aether’s face burned, unable to continue on.

After weakly agreeing to go to Wanwen Bookhouse, he and Paimon left the restaurant with the promise to drop by another time. There was no way they could go to Wanwen Bookhouse, so Aether wandered around the town, looking at the shops yet none of them looked like they would sell the book he was looking for…

“Oof…!” Aether was so busy looking at the shops that he didn’t see the person in front of him until he walked right into him. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going!”

“That’s quite alright,” the man replied, and it was yet another voice Aether was familiar with. He smelled the scent of herbs and medicines before he looked up and saw the man who had an albino snake wrapped around his neck.

“Mr. Baizhu!”

“We meet again, dear customer.” Baizhu smiled down at him.

“What are you two doing snooping around?” The white snake asked, forked tongue darting out to taste the scent of the two outlanders.

“W-we’re not snooping!” Paimon shouted defensively.

“Relax, Changsheng was just making a joke.” Baizhu chuckled while patting the head of his snake. “Though you seem to be looking for something. I can help you if you like—”

“No, that’s fine, thank you very much!” Aether shouted before dashing off with Paimon in tow.

The man and snake watched the pair disappear down the street, confusion apparent on both of their faces.

“This is impossible!” Paimon cried after they stopped for a break at another corner of the city. No matter where they went, they kept encountering familiar faces. “How are we supposed to find anything for Xiao like this?!”

“That Xiao you speak of, could you be referring to the boy-adeptus?” A voice called from behind them.

Aether wasn’t even surprised at this point anymore. He glanced over his shoulder to see a purple-haired girl standing behind them with one hand on her hips and a bag in her other hand.

“Keqing?” Paimon looked as though she was going to cry—and those were not tears of joy “What are you doing here?”

“I was, uh, just buying some things!” Keqing stammered, seeming a bit embarrassed before coughing into her hand and steered the topic away. “Anyways, if you’re trying to find something for him, I can—hey!”

Keqing stared at the two that suddenly took off without any warnings, having no idea what in the world had happened.

In the end, it was decided that they wouldn’t find the book in Liyue. Considering the battle that occurred not long ago, Aether’s face was pretty much known to the civilians. There was no way they could secretly buy that kind of book while keeping their identities hidden.

In the end, they decided to go to Mondstadt.

Unfortunately, they were away for so long that they had forgotten that Aether’s face was even more popular and well-known there than in Liyue—especially amongst the knights. The moment they got back, they were greeted by all sorts of familiar faces and warm greetings that made it much harder to ask for that kind of book.

“Aether! Paimon! Great to see you two back! How was your travel?” Amber welcomed them with open arms, as usual.

“Well, it certainly has been a while. Words of your deed in Liyue have spread even in Mondstadt,” Kaeya commented with that mysterious knowing smile, as usual.

“If you want to drop by at the bar tonight, feel free to do so but alcohol will still be off the menu for you two.” Diluc said seriously with his arms crossed over his chest, as usual.

“Big brother Aether and Paimon! It’s been so long! Do you want to play with me?” Klee greeted, on the way to blast up the fishes in Starfell Lake, as usual.

"You've come at the right time. I have another experiment I need you to help me with," Albedo muttered while looking through his experiments, as usual.

“Oh my, so the cutie has returned,” Lisa giggled, slacking off from her work, as usual.

“Aether, Paimon, it is good to see you two back and safe. I’ve heard what happened in Liyue. For the Geo Archon to perish like that…” Jean sighed before her desk of paperwork, as usual.

“Through thou journey across the land, thou have finally come! Perhaps even cruel fate has deigned to smile upon me, through sin which courses through my veins!” Fischl spoke in that string of gibberish, as usual.

“Mein Fräulein means that she is happy to see you again, Aether, Paimon.” Oz translated his master’s words, as usual.

“Well hello—” Mona was broke, as usual.

With the sun slowly setting in the horizon, Aether sat on the fingertips of Barbatos’ statue, looking over the city with golden bangs covering his eyes. Paimon hovered next to him, being unusually quiet with her bangs hiding her eyes as well.

The two stayed like that for a long, long time, as though becoming part of the statue they were on. It wasn’t until a breeze blew by, carrying the melody of lyre that they reacted.

“Sadness is not a look that suits your face, especially one as yourself with such fair grace,” a gentle voice spoke through the melody.

Aether and Paimon slowly turned to see a barb dressed in green drifting down with the wind swirling around him and landed soundlessly in the statue’s palms.

“Will you tell me what trouble you so? Together, we can surely soothe your woe.”

“VENTI!!”

“TONE-DEAF BARD!”

“Ack!”

The two travellers pounced onto the Anemo Archon. Taken off guard, Venti was knocked onto his back and soon found himself drenched in tears…

✧✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧

“Pfft…AHAHAHAHAHA!!”

“HEY!” Paimon shouted, thoroughly offended that the god had the audacity to laugh after hearing their story. “Don’t take pleasure from our pain!”

“Sorry, but never would I thought for that Morax to…PUAHAHAHAHA!!”

“Stop laughing and help us think,” Aether groaned, burying his face into his hands.

“Alright, alright!” Venti wiped away his tears. “Tell you what, I’ll help you get your book!”

“Venti!” Paimon cheered, not even using the nickname to express her gratitude.

“Are you sure?!” Aether asked hesitantly.

“It’s just erotic book, no big deal about it!” Venti giggled at the red hue spreading over Aether’s cheeks. “Think of this as my way of helping out an old friend. It’s about time these two get together, I’d say!”

“Paimon doesn’t get it…are they together or not?”

“Well…hard to say…” Venti trailed off and noticed the disappointment on Aether’s face. “Oh don’t look like that! Even if they aren’t now, that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t get together in the future. I did notice how those two interacted during the Archon War. It’s a miracle they dragged it on for so long.”

“The Archon War?! Wasn’t that like, two thousand and six hundred years ago?!” Paimon gaped. “Exactly how long was he in love with Adeptus Xiao for?!”

“Ah, you might want to add another couple hundreds of years to that! The war didn’t finish in one day, after all~”

“Tone-deaf bard!”

Venti laughed at the pissed off Paimon before putting a finger to his lips and started to think back to the memories from so long ago. “Hmm…it’s been a long time since I saw Morax and Xiao even longer so I can’t say, but surely he feels the same towards Morax.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” Aether asked with worries.

“Well, there’s a saying that some love starts in bed!”

“You tone-deaf bard! You’re the worst!” Paimon shouted.

“Ah, calm down now!” Venti raised his hands to shield the small fists raining down on him. “That might sound wrong, but this is the best solution!”

“What do you mean?” Paimon finally stopped pounding on the god.

“It took over two thousand years for that old blockhead to lay everything aside and start thinking about relationships. How many more do you think will take for Xiao to come to terms with it? Rather than waiting another millennium, it would be quicker to let the misunderstanding grow and have them sleep together, no?”

“You’re not wrong, but the way you put it makes it super sketchy…” Paimon crossed her arms and stared flatly at the bard.

Venti chuckled, taking it as a compliment before his smile disappeared and his eyes drifted to the stars above. “Time is cruel after all. That’s why we should spend every moment treasuring the time we have.”

Aether stared at Venti. At this moment, the other felt very far away despite sitting right beside him. The blond thought back to the story Venti told them…the one about his old friend and couldn’t help but feel a prick of pain inside him.

“But we can’t be sure until we confirm Adeptus Xiao’s feelings.” Aether pointed out. If Xiao didn’t feel the same for Zhongli, then he wouldn’t want to go through with a plan like that. That would only end up hurting both Zhongli and Xiao.

“Hey Venti, do you know much about Adeptus Xiao?” Paimon asked, flying around them.

“Of course, for I am the one who gave him his Vision, after all!” Venti lifted his lyre up and ran his fingers over the strings, creating a soothing melody.

“Long, long ago, Liyue suffered many outbreaks of diseases due to the bodies of the archons buried beneath the land, eternally sealed by the Geo Archon’s spear. These archon’s souls were filled with bitterness and this bitterness manifested into monsters. They raged in forms of diseases, unleashing evil into the rivers and seas.

Rex Lapid summoned the illuminated beasts to purge the daemons from this world. These illuminated beasts with dreadful appearance and warlike temperament raged through the land to free the people of this curse. Within the armies of illuminated beasts, five stood out amongst the rest. They were Bosacius, Indarias, Bonanus, Menogias, and Alatus. These five were Rex Lapis’s personal guards, following him wherever he went to purge the plague. They were later known to the mortals as the Yakshas.”

“There are more Yakshas?!” Paimon’s eyes widened at the news. “Why didn’t we meet any other ones?”

“The Yakshas were guardians of Rex Lapis for years without measure, and the evils they vanquished were incalculable. Yet mighty though they were, the Yakshas were not beyond the torment that betides all who face war, and they became afflicted. Some were given unto their rage, others unto a madness which fear mongered.”

The melody slowed, taking a sadder tone.

“Many turned to the slaughter of their own, others were bewitched by shadows of the soul. After a millennium did fate present itself unto them, and it was such: three of the five perished, the fourth vanished, and all of the myriad shared the fate of the three or the fourth. The fifth alone prevailed, and the fifth was Alatus, the Golden-winged King.”

“Adeptus Xiao,” Aether whispered, eyes rounding at this realization. This was a story about Xiao!

“Wait, so Alatus is Adeptus Xiao and he is also the Golden-winged King?!” Paimon slowly put everything together. “But we didn’t see any wings on him?”

“Not anymore,” Venti sighed. “He lost his wings long ago. Alatus is nothing but the past. Xiao is his name now.”

He ran his hands over the strings a few more times.

“That one has endured much suffering. Even to this day, he carries a burden that was not his to bear. I will not dive too much into his past as it is not my story to tell, but Morax was the one who saved Xiao from a cruel fate. This was also why despite the countless contracts Morax has created, Xiao was the only exception.”

“Wait…you mean, Zhongli never made any contract with Adeptus Xiao?” Aether asked.

Venti nodded.

“The God of Contracts was known for making contracts and following everything to the contracts. It didn’t matter to him if they were friends or alliances, archon or Yakshas. Every single being that made a deal with him had to form a contract.”

“Even you, Venti?” Aether asked.

“Yep,” Venti whined. “Even me! Horribly paranoid he is, don’t you think? But Xiao was the only exception to all of that. Morax never made a single contract with him and whenever he asked Xiao for something, it was always requests. Because Morax was the one who saved him, Xiao devoted himself to serving the Geo Archon and never once said no to him. He was more devoted to Morax than those who were bound by contracts. Even if it is the most absurd request, Xiao will do it as long as it is Rex Lapis.”

Aether and Paimon groaned at the reminder of this misunderstanding between the two adepti. They certainly witnessed how devoted Xiao was to Rex Lapis…considering he was even willing to offer his body without questions.

“But it’s strange,” Venti brought a hand to his chin and frowned. “Xiao may be stubborn and cold sometimes, but he’s a sharp-witted one. I can’t imagine him misunderstanding the situation if Morax was even the slightest bit clear on his intention. I may not be an adeptus, but even I know how seriously they take courtships and Morax is the most traditional one of them all, so it's impossible for him to mess up on that. What exactly did that guy say to Xiao anyway?”

“Well, rather than what was being said, it’s more like the lack thereof…” Paimon grumbled.

“He asked Adeptus Xiao to sleep with him?” Aether recalled their entire conversation with the Geo Archon, and that was the only thing he could find that was mildly related to a confession.

“No, no, there’s got to be more,” Venti grumbled with full certainty. “The fact that Morax asked something like this means he thinks they are already in the middle of a courtship, so the problem must stem even further back in time. It seems we would need to have some more talk about this with Xiao.”

“We?" Aether turned to Venti in surprise. “You’re coming with us?”

“Morax is a good friend of mine and I have some responsibility towards Xiao. I’ll lend you guys a hand!” Venti winked.

“VENTI!!”

“TONE DEAF-BARD!!”

For the second time that night, Venti was thrown onto his back and drenched in tears—except this time, it was happy tears.

Thus the ZhongXiao alliance was formed.

                                MAIN                 NEXT ▻

[hypermanga]

Choices, choices (Eric x reader)

Requested by: @rachelcarroll1819​

Request: Hi can you do a imagine where the reader is the daughter of Jeanine Matthews and she is divergent and bff with four and in a relationship with Eric please and thank you.

Word Count: 1628

Warnings: Cuss words and perhaps Eric being a little OOC? ~

~~~~~~

Your mother's face was in every Chicago's screen, her scrutinizing gaze that you had gotten to know so well reached to any corner of the city, always looking out for them.

Divergents. 

To her, a threat to the faction system. To you, someone beyond who could guide humanity to a better tomorrow, one where you were not defined by your aptitudes, but the actions of your everyday life. Like it had just been before the war.

It was weird for you to disagree with your mother, but ever since the aptitude test you started to percept the world with another lense, a divergent's one; You had become what your mother despised the most, and you knew about her plans, so you decided to make the most rational decision: transfer to Dauntless. There you could prepare for whatever your mother had prepared for your kind and all the "collateral victims", as she put it. 

For what you didn't prepare was meeting who could possibly be the love of your life: he was caring and well-read in private, but displayed a brash, cold and sometimes sadistic behaviour towards Initiates. You had met him after entering Dauntless, being Max who had greeted you at the roof.

Four, your best friend since two or three when you made the bold choice of sassying Eric after he had told you for an hour long that you were not going to pass the cut "Got some fire in you" The former Abnegation boy had said, patting your back before letting Eric do whatever he was about to do. After all, he was a leader and Four was a subordinate.

As for Eric, you still weren't able to pinpoint the exact moment you fell for him: perhaps it was the time he had gone out of his way to help you improve your position to perfect your punches, or perhaps one night where he caught you doing a stroll in the night and joined you, having a long conversation,...There were so many occasions that had made you fall a little bit more for him, but you considered it more of a crush than anything else. 

As soon as Initiation had finished and you were asked to become a trainer alongside Four you couldn't be happier, but Four outdid himself telling you how he had heard Eric talking to Max about how he felt about you "Today's not April Fools I recall" "That's because it is not. Be careful, he can be dangerous" " I know how to take care of myself. Remember, I was once an Erudite like him, not some lovesick dove" 

But you fell. And hard.

Sadly all hell broke loose, as the alliance between Dauntless and Erudite stepped into the light. Tobias and you decided to escape Dauntless alongside Tris Prior, his girlfriend and Initiation acquaintance for you.  You could still remember the train that had brought you to one place you never expected to be living in. Amity: all that peace serum and smiling all day didn't sit right to you, it felt as if they wanted to evade everything bad thing that was going on around them as an excuse to not intervene. 

Johanna had been really kind (ironically) letting you stay, you would give her that, but working in the fields was not made for you. Nor cooking. Nor being happy all the damn time, which seemed to be the base point of your relationship with Tris. She seemed like a nice girl and really in love with Tobias, so you approved of their relationship. Now, for the other two companions, Peter and Caleb, you were skeptical about the first after he had gotten into a fight during lunchtime with Tris. 

It had been another tranquil morning when Dauntless trucks pulled up the path that lead to Amity, Eric leading them and ready to hunt Divergents for Jeanine. Ever since you'd escaped he had delved into his work, leaving any kind of feelings he had harboured for you during Initiation aside: he had taken interest in you at first because of your sassiness towards him as well as your closeness with Four: he had spent so many nights thinking about your determination to pass Initiation, how you laughed at the things Four said...It made him sick to say the least. But then he'd gotten the chance to become closer to you, and even though he had tried to fool himself that he was doing that to piss off Four, any fool could see he had also fallen just as hard as her.

'Falling for the boss's daughter, great fucking job Eric' He had mutered to himself in between punches 'And someone who has taken the oposite side in this conflict, you just won grand prize Eric' Punch 'She chose Four over you' Punch 'She might now see you as a soulless monster' One last punch before he broke the bag, sand spilling everywhere, making him huff in disdain.

Those same thoughts threatened to cloud his vision now, so he pushed them aside to concentrate on his task: hunting those damned Divergents. His team had gathered everyone in the dining room before he and Max decided to check for anyone hidden,starting with the stables and Johanna's office upstairs.

Just like you, he had a special disdain for Amity: problems had to be tackled,not ignored. Zooming out as Johanna greated them, he just checked her with his device to list her off before moving on to the stables.

As soon as you saw those trucks, Tris, Tobias, Caleb and you made a run for it, the three hiding in Johanna's office and you in the stables "I'll catch up with you!" You said to them, ushering them away. You blended with the shadows as best you could, for you knew if someone checked your divergence percentatge you were done.

It seemed like time was going too slow, before a figure stepped inside the stables. Eric. 'Play hide and seek with a Dauntless leader they said. It will be fun they said' you thought to yourself. Even now as your enemy, you still found him just as handsome as the first day you'd seen him.

You felt your heart stop as he walked up and down the stables, stopping just to pet some horses, which in all honesty you found adorable, before his eyes fixated in your hiding spot "I'm surprised you didn't run with the others" He smirked, grasping your arm "I'm Dauntless, I don't run from things. But I'm damn sure that I will not stay while you and my mother kill Divergents for...What purpose exactly? A system! A fucking system! You're killing innocent people who cannot be just one thing, is that a crime Eric?" He looked at you coldly, unaffected "You are a Dauntless, and an Erudite as well as I was! I'm pretty sure you can understand there's a lack of logic! What has she promised you: Fame? Honor? A high position? Nothing but empty promises bathed in blood Eric!"

As you freed from his grasp, which was lacking force, you balled your fists "Please Eric. I know you can understand...Please, don't do this" Your pleas fell short as Eric brought out the machine that analyzed your divergence percentage. You looked at him defiantly "Go on, Eric" The venom-coated way that his name left your lips made him almost flinch, but what broke his façade was the 'Divergent, 60%' that left his device.

Chuckling lowly "Checkmate" You held your arms in surrender, smiling "Get it over with. I don't want to live in a dictatorship, worse my mum's" You grabbed Eric's gun giving it to him and, slowly and steady, brought it to your heart.

He felt numb, in a crossroad: he had a mission, but there you were in your Amity's clothes as beautiful as ever, looking at him with a dim hope in your more lifeless eyes as the seconds passed.

Dropping his device, he walked past you, punching a wall "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" You knew he had quite the temper, but you knew that in this particular occasion he was not just boosting out, but battling his own demons. He kept punching the wood, blood starting to drool from his fists "Eric stop!Look at me!" He slumped on his knees in defeat"First my family, then Initiation, now this" He sniffed "Why can't anything go the way I want?" Grabbing his face in between your hands, you also dropped to your knees "Because we can't control everything, I wish I could myself..." You shrugged sadly "But our choices and attitudes can change our perspective of things, and even their consequences" "You always know what to say, now do you?" He chuckled "Well, this has brought your attention. Now you decide if it is for better or for worse" You smiled and, as he looked into your eyes, saw his decision made up "I will not give up someone who truly believes that something good can come out of me"

Now it was his turn to grab your face, approaching it to his as your lips connected in a soft kiss. It was not the kind of kiss that you would expect from Eric, all rough edges, but the from the true Eric, that boy who has felt rejected all his life and has hid all his fears behind a tough demeanor.

As you parted Eric stood up, offering you his hand which you accepted gladly "Now where to (Y/N)?"

"To the battlefield"

~~~~~~~

@imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl @beltz2016 @readsalot73 @kenzieam @captstefanbrandt @sserpente @book-boys-are-my-guilty-pleasure

MASTERLIST

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

[so-sweet-nana]

Interview: NANA Talks About Cohabitation-Romance & Kang Min Hyuk

Im Jin A (임진아), or better known as NANA (나나) is not only easy on the eyes, but also a super talented actress. Since her involvement in “Into The Ring” and “Confession” last year, fans have been eager to see her again, this time in “Oh! Master” (오! 주인님), or “Oh My Ladylord”.

The former After School member sees herself playing actress Oh Joo In, who apparently “can’t” love. Her romantic life is practically non-existent and only seeks to provide for her family. In an attempt to buy back her old home, Oh Joo In stumbles upon Han Bi Soo and that’s when things get interesting. Check out the interview where she delves into this romance drama and more.

1. This is your first time working with these costars. What was your impression of one another and how has it changed since you finished filming together?

When I first saw Min Ki, I knew right away that he is a charismatic guy from the sharp look in his eyes and the energy that he gives off. At least that’s what I thought first. But now, he’s more than just a co-actor. He’s always considerate around me, and he makes sure we go over the script before the actual shoot. I feel comfortable being around him, and I learnt a lot from him.

2. What kind of drama do you usually like to watch?

It’s hard to pinpoint a specific genre of shows that I prefer. In fact, I try to expose myself to various genres so that I can indirectly experience the stories of other people. While doing so, I would put myself in their shoes to experiment with different acting styles, which is also how I further improve my acting skills.

3. How did you prepare for your role? Were there any skills or characteristics in that you had to pick up?

When acting out a role, it is crucial for an actress to tap on the feelings she got from the initial script reading. So that the acting doesn’t come out as too exaggerated. This way, the viewers can understand the writer’s intentions.

I did my best to deliver Joo In’s heart-throbbing feelings to the viewers. Also, I’ve made efforts to portray both sides of Joo In – her glamorous life as a popular romance-comedy actress versus her ordinary everyday life.

4. Both of you have starred in other romance dramas, how does this drama stand out from other series for audiences?

One of the unique things about “Oh! Master” is its cohabitation-romance genre. A man and a woman who are complete opposites live together, they grow on each other and draw comfort from each other. The story about the family members is heartwarming to watch.

5. How will you describe your character in this show? Can you identify yourself with the personality and story of your character?

Although she’s the go-to actress for romance-comedy shows, Oh Joo In is a beginner when it comes to romantic love. She’s very filial to her mother, they share a special bond. Her cheerfulness and kindheartedness are what we have in common.

6. What is the one lesson about love that viewers will learn from this series, especially from your character Oh Joo In?

In the drama, Oh Joo In expresses love for different people. There is romantic love between a man and a woman. She is also a loving daughter to her mother. I believe that the two different perspectives of love shown by Joo In will give you the chance to rediscover the warmth of human relations.

7. What are the similarities and differences between you and Oh Joo In?

We are both actresses, we are loving toward people around us. However, the situation Joo In is going through, people she interacts with, and even the living conditions are totally different from mine.

8. Oh Joo In couldn’t resist Han Bi Soo’s script. As an actor yourself, what kind of script appeals to you?

I’m drawn to stories that are full of optimism and positive energy. In turn, I want to become an actress who has infectious positive energy, so I can inspire the viewers.

9. What kind of challenges did you encounter in the process of playing a top star? Did you put more effort into appearance? For example, personal maintenance, fitness, etc.?

To prepare for the role of actress Oh Joo In, rather than focusing on the self-management aspects of a popular actress, I worked hard on kickboxing, one of her hobbies, to make it look more natural and real.

10. What kind of message do you want to convey to the audience through this show?

“Oh! Master” isn’t just a romance piece, it’s a story about all kinds of love. I wish to convey the message of hope. I hope viewers will heal from wounds inflicted by other people.

11. What attracted you to take on ‘Oh Master’? Introduce your character and what do you think is the appeal and charm of the story and your character.

Among many other things, I was drawn to “Oh! Master” mainly due to its uniqueness in portraying the cohabitation-romance drama. When I went through the script for the first time, I could relate to Joo In’s occupation as I am an actress too. I wanted to show, in my own honest way, how a daughter expresses her love towards her mother.

12. If you were a writer, what kind of dramas would you want to write?

As an actress playing Oh Joo In, I was moved by the heartfelt feelings a daughter may have toward her mother. That is why I would like to write a story full of humanitarian elements that can comfort others.

13. You’ve acted in romantic dramas twice in a row. Do you like this genre?

I get positive energy when filming romantic-comedy shows. “Oh! Master” is such a romantic drama that gives off positive vibes. Plus, there’s the heartfelt mother-and-daughter relationship. So that’s why I accepted this project without any hesitation.

14. How would you rate your love chemistry score for your couple pairing (NANA & Kang Min Hyuk), and why?

Oh Joo In and Jeong Yu Jin have been besties since their high-school years. They feel comfortable around each other. That’s why people did not doubt the fake couple. Because of their close bond and perfect chemistry, I would give them a 100 out of 100.

15. How would you rate your love chemistry score for the couple pairing (NANA & Lee Min Ki)? and why?

I will also rate the chemistry of Joo In and Han Bi Soo 100 out of 100— but for a different reason from Jeong Yu Jin. They were completely different from each other to begin with. As they sought comfort from each other, they grew on each other.

I remember this particular scene, Joo In’s mother fails to recognise her own daughter due to her worsening dementia symptoms. Bi Soo comforts Joo In, she unknowingly leans in to give him a kiss on the cheek.

16. Have you ever worked with Min Hyuk before? What was that like?

When I was active as a member of K-pop group Orange Caramel, Kang Min Hyuk starred in our music video “Magic Girl”. I was so delighted to work with him again in “Oh! Master”.

Interview from: Hype Malaysia

[floralkittygambler]

RadioDust is the Healthiest Toxic Ship for Angel so far

@honesthazbinarchives​ Briefly. I’d like to go into this more in the future BUT these are the main points I said I’d do. Heh ‘stay tuned’ for why HuskerDust is toxic [haaaa funny fuckin reference n shit like Viv herself aint overdone it]. Yer dont even wanna know the lack of enthusiasm in tryna do a playful ‘cringetopia’ joke - wasnt as fun as anticipated. Anyfuckinways, the shit. Before we begin, disclaimers n whatnot, no hate intended, dni if you’re a bit of a knobhead [either stan or extreme anti], an all that nonsense. I dont own the characters no shit.  In this I’ll discuss how RadioDust aka SpiDEER (thats right, yer stuck w my shit humour now) is both the healthiest ship for Angel we’ve seen so far but still rather toxic. Idc if you hate me for it but dont fuckin waste yer time telling me. Great. I dont care. Yer fuckin hard n whatnot for harassin strangers online. Big dick energy to you. This will be slightly messy, my apologies, it’s a quick summary of many points.

Alright. Firstly, out of the entire male cast Angel interacts with over all platforms, Al is given a fair bit of mercy in terms of sexual advances. In fact, a swift ‘no’ and Angel doesn’t do it again - unlike most of the other cast [pent’s is covert, husks is overt]. One thing I like is that Angel himself admits to their chemistry (claiming that whilst he thinks Al’s a prick, he thinks Al dislikes him which saddens him as he’d at least like to be friends as he feels they have good chemistry - according to the VA via Hunicast’s 1yr anniversary), there’s no further efforts to jump on his dick but a clear curiosity/interest in what Al can do.  Lets go to the basics, both are of similar age [allegedly in their 30s, though Ive heard Al may be up to mid 40s] as well as created near the same-ISH time (as in, Viv’s oldest characters, at least for HH). Likewise, Viv admitted to knowing fuck all on either of their eras (and to make that public wasn’t really a wise choice BUUUT if you felt the need, it’s better worded with interest “Right now I’m working towards educating myself more on their time periods to improve their portrayals” <-- crucial if yer want that ‘realism’). Because of their real-world ages, Viv confesses they’re her favourites (even if you didnt know, she makes it pretty clear). It could be a nice ‘homage’ to their impact in her life but not too relevant otherwise. It could fulfil the need for self indulgence that she’s unhealthily leaking into the canon - which will ultimately make the series shit. No sugarcoating there.  As for their ages, a relationship can work whether the gap is large or small HOWEVER there are many ethics and conflicts to each. And being an adult into kids is always fucked up. With that being said, studies have shown that closer ages often work better due to the often similarities in mindset, maturity and life goals (older folks are more likely to want to settle, younger often have more ambitions), likewise there tends to be an unbalanced power-dynamic if the ages are too far, which can lead to various types of abuse. Dont get me wrong, being with someone much older (AS LONG AS NONE OF YALL ARE KIDS) very much CAN work - but rarely. There’s much more hardwork needed as well as being in the right mindset for both, otherwise it’s bad. More on that in HD. Long story short, both are closer in age meaning both are more ‘relatable’ to one another. There’s common grounds, even in the eras there’s some higher understanding of one another. Notice how Vaggie and Charlie are similar in age? (Even though Charlie is far older, her appearance and mentality for her race is on par with Vaggie’s, making it far more likely to work out positively) One of the most prominent out of all of this however is their actual interests. So listing; Both like action/chaos/having fun (often at the expense of others), both love cooking and can be food snobs in their own right, both have sadistic AND masochistic tendencies, Al likes performance and theatre whilst Angel loves *to* perform, on that last point Angel was very intrigued and enjoyed Al’s song number/performance naturally, both really enjoy pranks and both enjoy liquor (neither show an actual addiction, but rather an interest in social drinking - no dependencies on it). Again, close eras mean both have a higher probability of understanding the other and their lifestyles better. Both are high on appearance and love themselves, implying self confident mindset (healthy BUT the narcissism isnt) yet enough consideration for how they are viewed. On the parent system, one adores his mama whilst the other hates his pops.  Now Ive gone on about how they’re similar. But similarities ALONE is not enough. If it was, then fandom’s would be a lil more harmonious~ A HEALTHY relationship needs compatibility, POSITIVE conversation flow, common grounds, trust, openness and understanding. Even then, some people click and some just dont. It’s like how you can just hate someone for no reason. It just IS. Common grounds and similarity is scientifically proven to be attractive to someone - be it good or BAD. People are drawn to those like their parents in some way usually, likewise we look for people similar to ourselves (from our interests, to humour, beliefs, goals, etc). Science itself states that ‘opposites attract’ solemnly applies in the real world successfully. Though similiarity plays a large role, there has to be some differences too - that person is STILL an individual separate to yourself. Too similar and it’s boring. Too similar and you’ll do everything together without some ‘you’ time. Both Vaggie and Charlie have similar interests/hobbies in dance and music, yet still have enough differences to be identifiable when together. Vaggie is more grounded than Charlie. Charlie gives some optimism and fun to Vaggie. Remember, a partner does NOT complete you - that’s a toxic mindset when taken too seriously, You complete YOURSELF. Whether you have someone or not, you must feel complete in yourself as to not slip into toxic dependency on a lover - to become them, a shadow of them or feel like you’ve lost your identity without them. Sounds harsh but it’s true. Chaggie compliments each other without a dependency. You stand alone yet uplift one another. You don’t always agree but in the end you always have each other’s backs. Love is often butchered in a toxic light in the media.  So taking that into consideration, how does spideer work? Well, here’s some examples of good, bad and neutral: - Angel loves animals, Al fears/dislikes dogs. Perhaps Angel could assist him in overcoming this? - Al hates being touched, Angel dislikes being squeezed. Maybe this could help them reach an understanding... Or cause a rift? - Angel was the only one to break Al’s composure, either Angel is the *key* to delving further into Al’s more raw self... Or just another obVOXious pest? (yeah, I said it-) - Neither respect other’s boundaries, meaning both may fuel the other to be overly disrespectful in this area. Not good. - Angel is a sarky/sarcastic fuck, Al loves dry humour. Both seek amusement and chaos. In relationships one needs to see how conversation flows and in the hunicasts, both keep up some good as well as toxic banter. Both could roast the fuck out of an opponent however. - Al is acro/ace, Angel is hypersexual (appears like a sex addict - now I say this as his book has a crossed out ‘fun stuff’ with ‘work shit’ written on it. He’s always fixed on sex from his job to his humour), this could either aid Angel ease up on the sex stuff OR make him overly push it onto Al causing major rifts and discomfort (aces can have sex, ref to ace posts that real asexuals put to understand more but no one wants to be forced into sex is the point here). And we’ve already discussed their lack of respect for boundaries. The positive is that maybe this will make Angel understand how Val is rubbing off on his own behaviour towards men [again, more on that in the HD post]. - Both similar yet different in a way that does suit their compatibility chances but that doesnt mean they will click, it just improves the odds. - Both have similar enemies in Val and Vox, they’re on common terms. Likewise, Al is against the ‘sexual deviance’ of hell meaning he may be oddly supportive and protective of Angel in terms of Val. I dont even think his sadism will override this either. - Al dislikes modern tech, Angel seems to use it as his job requires it. A nice little menial difference. - Only ONE is an addict. Take it from an expert, you NEVER put two addicts together. They’re very vulnerable and prone to slipping deeper into their addictions as well as depending on each other too much that they essentially become very clingy, suffocating and toxic to each other. Seen it in action, it’s ugly.  - Both could have a lot of fun and calm moments with each other. - He isn’t immediately smitten with Al but immediately shows a natural interest in Al’s powers and performance, embracing it openly. Leads for a good friendship turned lovers plot. - In Viv’s patreon, she confirmed Angel loves confident guys [sounds exactly like Al] We need to think about where both are mentally. What benefits would a relationship give both? How would they be good and bad for each other? For Al, aside from his outdated views and being a fucking murderer and narcissist, he actually seems in a good mindspace for a relationship IF he opted to be in one. Angel however has a very immature mindset, likewise is in a phase of life where hes bed hopping. IF he were to be in a relationship, I’d say he needs a male equivalent of Cherri - someone with a similar mindset yet some differences, willing to have fun and in touch with their younger side, down to cuddle, open to share and receive love as well as not afraid to publicly be affectionate with him, someone who sees him as more than just for sex, someone fun, someone who’ll let him embrace his cutesy side publicly without shame - Cherri is younger so maybe someone who’s his age or slightly younger perhaps? I think Angel’s not retirement home ready to settle and needs someone on his level that can cuddle and chill as well as feels free and youthful enough to go wild with him. In one sense, he’s got a teen girl sorta mindset (dont put him with a teen though, it’s fuckin weird-). He needs someone positive and raw, someone to let him be himself as well as someone comfortable to be themselves around him. He has a habit of latching onto unobtainable men (in psychology, this is self sabotaging subconsciously): Travis the client, Val a pimp, Husk (emotionally unavailable and needs HEAVY self work - interestingly far more than Angel - plus he’s still onto his last relationship and an addict to gambling and alcohol), Pent who’s the enemy he was currently fighting (inappropriate timing), Alastor who’s not interested in another but his own needs [selfish, VERY bad for a relationship]. Subconsciously he’s self sabotaging on purpose. There’s many psychology books as well as sources online for this, if you’re interested. Either way, Angel is drawn to men either like his father [who dislike him, shun him, or are otherwise cold, abusive or just blatantly dislike or otherwise dont care about him] or anyone with money to fuel his drug addiction/’debt’ to Val. Going with any of these men isn’t a good idea.  Preferably, Angel needs someone who he doesnt immediately crush and obsess over. Someone who he doesnt sexually harass or assault. Someone he can build a connection with quickly that can bud into romance (think how Chaggie started as a friendship which clicked immediately). Maybe even someone he doesn’t expect to fall for but does so anyways. It would be more realistic as Viv wants as well as more healthy. That for once he isnt sex or money craved instantly, thus doesnt sexually harass/assault and is given a proper chance to develop and grow a friendship and love. Someone who isnt an addict.  Someone with an on-par mindset where they click. Someone open to love. For any chance of a good relationship, Angel needs to be with anyone BUT who we’ve already seen. There’s too much toxicity that’ll be swept under the rug and justified otherwise. Too much shit to fuel homophobes in terms of gay stereotypes. Even though Ive focused a fair bit on Angel, it’s NOT just about Angel. That’s something fans forget. Some he depends on or someone who depends on him in the long term wont last and will be very dangerous to both.  Just because you suffer, you dont then deserve to be rewarded with ‘something nice’. You dont get to have everything youve ever wanted. Giving him any of these blokes [minus Val] gives him a pass. Gives him what he wants. I get Viv loves him but life doesnt work that way. True lasting growth comes from learning that. Acceptance and growth. You dont get everything you want and sometimes thats a GOOD thing. He’s not a spoilt kid who gets everything he asks for, he’s YOUR creation. If you really wanted what your creations deserve then you need to research and be realistic with it. Because hes starting to feel like a shitty Gary-Stu at this rate. I live with an ‘Angel Dust’ like person. It used to feel like life gave her everything and most times it did. Everyone loved her and she could get away with murder if she wanted to. But now she’s had to struggle and grow, let go of some ‘wants’ because they werent good for her and she’s becoming better for it. She has a long way but she’s more humble for it now [still got self confidence but it’s less narcissism now, which is more healthy for her]. Also, they make the word anal lol

[paravosnico]

Some things I want to say to you

You’ve asked me some really good questions the past couple times we’ve hung out that I haven’t been able to answer clearly...probably because I’m super into you and I can tell when I talk to you you listen and you see so it makes me kind of nervous/self-conscious...also because there are so many things I want to tell you about my journey but I don’t know where to begin so it just comes out as a jumble of words. But I want you to know me, so here are some responses to questions I definitely could’ve answered better:

Red flags: 

-Someone who says things like “When I was your age....” or “Well, you’re still young soo..”

-Someone who makes unnecessarily judgemental comments 

-Someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries right off the bat (e.g. this guy I told I didn’t want to kiss but he kept trying to kiss me)

Relationships I regretted

This wasn’t exactly what you asked--but I answered something like not feeling sure how someone felt about me but in reality it’s cus I wasn’t sure about them. What I was trying to say was... during this self-improvement journey I’ve become aware that the people I attracted were mirrors of myself. So when I answered this question, I was trying to tell you that.... I struggled a lot with self-worth on a subconscious level, so ego-based stories I would tell myself would be things like “I am not worthy”, “If I communicate my needs I will always be rejected”, “No matter what I do they will always leave,” “There’s someone better out there for them”, “It’s going so well it’s not going to last”, etc. Because these were the stories I was telling myself, the relationships I attracted reflected these deep set beliefs, because even though these stories hurt, it was more comfortable, safer, finding relationships that confirmed these stories, to “know” what was going to happen, rather than finding a relationship that didn’t [confirm these stories], because that’s how the ego survives. When you are so identified with your ego, it feels safer to take actions that confirm your ego-identity.

So when you ask me what didn’t work with other partners (and again, this wasn’t exactly the question), rather than saying something about them, I wanted to say something about myself, because a part of me was allowing myself to be in unfulfilling relationships. Because after my first breakup, I was too afraid of being vulnerable--it felt safer to be in more superficial, fleeting relationships. So even though consciously I would tell myself I liked their personality etc, on a sub-conscious level I knew they were not the one to be in relation with me the way I deeply desired. I was subconsciously seeking relationships that would confirm my egoic beliefs. 

To awaken, and I really like this explanation by Eckart Tolle, is to separate your mind from your consciousness. Basically, becoming aware that you are aware, and that you are NOT your thoughts. I notice that the way I am with you--or, the way I am approaching my relationship with you, is different than how I’ve approached relationships since my first. Before, I would constantly think about what the relationship would become/where it would lead--I wanted to know--was this going to work out, or not? I was living in fear of the future because I was projecting my past experiences into my current relationship. Now, I don’t let my mind control me. I acknowledge and accept my thoughts and feelings but understand that a lot of these thoughts are simply old neurons firing in the brain, and that emotions are part of the emotional “pain-body” that your body carries (since your body carries emotions of the past that you haven’t released). 

With you, I’m taking it day by day. I am just incredibly grateful to share this time of my life with you. I don’t know what will happen in 2 week, in 2 months, in a year from now, but it’s okay. It’s exciting. And I’m so happy that you get to see this version of me. 

What do I like about being in a relationship

-physical touch

-the feeling of falling in love

-being vulnerable and having someone see me and accept me

[prettywordsyouleft]

Reconciliation - Part 5 (Final)

Pairing: Im Jaebum x reader

Genre: ex-lovers au / angst / romance / business au

Warnings: unprotected sex, mature content.

Reconciliation will be shared daily at 10am NZST.

Preview | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

This was how you had originally imagined this trip. Waking up in Jaebum’s arms the following morning was sweeter than you could remember. And after spending a little too long in the shower cleaning up from last night, you both happily went into the breakfast buffet where you laughed and shared food. The light atmosphere continued throughout the day, as did the kisses, the hand-holding, and much later, the endless rides to Nirvana.

It was what you had hoped for all along. And with your trip closing tomorrow, you were satisfied that when you had first thought to come here, the things on your list had been checked off with today’s efforts.

However, those desires came from a time where you were happy to just follow Jaebum around. Since finding your independence, you had moments throughout the day and night where you were bothered, and a cold sense of dread would wash over you.

The dream had to end here, with the sand and sun.

You woke before Jaebum did the next morning and spent the time taking in every detail of the man you loved. Even with him showering you in all the affection that you had ever wished for, and knowing how deeply his own feelings ran for you, this time, it would be you who broke his heart first.

You wanted to memorise every inch of him, right down to his freckles and imperfections in case you never saw them up close like this again.

Eventually, the man holding you stirred out of his slumber, Jaebum blearily squinting at you and letting out a breath of relief. It pained you to think that he was counting his blessings to truly find you here at his side and no longer a dream as he had told you about.

“Why are you awake first?” he huskily asked, moving to catch your shoulders with his lips. He kissed your bare skin a couple of times before resting back onto his pillow. “I wanted to watch you instead.”

“Should’ve woken up earlier then,” you teased, taking his hand in yours and linking it together.

You felt the words you need to say at the back of your throat and you smiled, hoping that would ease your nerves.

Jaebum watched you and after frowning, he sat up a little. “You’re going to finally say it, aren’t you?”

“You knew?”

He nodded. “I kind of guessed. I mean, we fell back into one another as if the three months never passed us by. And I know that I’ve said some things that might lend you hope that it could improve between us.”

“It’s not even that I don’t want this, because I do. I want to be with you, wholeheartedly. You said that I was it for you. Well, I’m pretty sure it’s the same for me.”

“Then what is it?” he wondered, and you shifted so you could sit up as well. Once settled at his side, you began to play with his fingers, trying to find the right words. “You need time?”

“I need to find who I am. Things are scary but really good right now for me. I’m starting my new business and I’m looking forward to running it. And it’s not a being busy reason either, even though I know I’m going to be super busy.”

Jaebum nodded listlessly, and you could tell he was genuinely listening to you, though he face was devoid of emotion. He was simply closing himself off to help with the pain.

You pressed on. “I don’t want to fall back into you. I don’t want either of us to rely on the other the way we used to. I thought I only needed your validation and you felt you only needed me to comfort you. We’re both more than that.”

“So this is it for us? For good?” he breathed, and you blinked when you noticed how watery his eyes had become. “We leave the confessions, the feelings here in these sheets?”

“We’re ending it better this time around, don’t you think?” you bartered and Jaebum rubbed at his face. “I need to focus on myself. If I can’t even do that, then there’s no point in me trying to rediscover us.”

“I get it,” he answered, taking you in his arms right when you began to cry. “I don’t want to but I do. Just remember to find me when the time is right.”

“Maybe we’ll find each other when we least expect it, just like we did here.”

Time seemed to fly by once you were back to reality. You left the ground running and after a solid year of hard work, you could slowly reap the rewards. You were acknowledged as a bright, new CEO and your company was definitely catching heads from all around. By your second year of business, you could loosen off the steam you were moving with. Your products were making consistent sales and you had taken on your first overseas client.

Everything seemed to be working like a well-oiled machine.

Not only had you discovered your own style as a CEO, you excelled at it. You liked being able to support your team and motivate them to strive for bigger goals.

Much as you were doing with your personal life. You had taken up online courses alongside your job and although you were exhausted from time to time, you had developed a love for photography and passion for interior design. You already had future aspirations to branch out into design in the following year.

Right now though, you wanted to enjoy life at a slower speed and not watch it pass on by in the blink of an eye.

And there was no one else you would rather do that with than Jaebum.

It hadn’t been complete radio silence between you both. You had each compromised to emails, sending each other messages at least twice a month. You had learned through them that he had fostered some cats and was passionate about raising them, and his latest investor had backed him over the company you had once lost out to. He’d also started cooking lessons, opting to make it home in the evening to eat there instead of ordering to his office each night.

Neither of you talked of what more you wanted from each other and about relationships. You had on several occasions almost emailed him asking him if he was seeing anyone but each time you chided yourself for seeking out information that could lead to complicating things. And you really didn’t want to do that if you weren’t ready to commit.

Standing near the gate for your impending flight, you focused on snapping the sunset out the large windows that was casting brilliant light over the aeroplanes nearby, the land behind it looking magical just like the sky did. You were ready to feel the freedom that came with travelling and taste the delicious foods that your destination had in store for you. As you watched the sky change its colours right before you, it was hard to not get lost in the thought of your self-development. Standing here right now, you couldn’t be prouder of who you had become if you tried.

Still, the nagging voice that wanted to share your accomplishments with someone else pulled you back to reality and you gasped when you realised boarding had commenced. As you walked onto the plane, you tried not to get too excited about the impending trip and looked out for your seat number. You grinned when you found it and after pulling your bag strap over your head and putting your bag under your seat, you sat down, fussing with your seatbelt for a moment. The person travelling next to you was already seated and you sighed when you realised your belt was linked with theirs.

Tapping him on the shoulder, you waited until he turned to look at you, ignoring the way he stared at you. “Uh, my belt is trapped in yours somehow.”

“Y/N,” Jaebum breathed, sitting up properly as his eyes continued to remain wide. He didn’t react as you reached to undo the belt across him so you could get yours free, still staring at you until you waved a hand in front of his face.

“You okay?”

“I just… I’m not dreaming, right? The plane hasn’t taken off and crashed somewhere and this is the afterlife?” he blurted out and you gave him a look, aghast by his assumption.

“No, we’re very much so alive and we better stay that way!”

“Then, it’s happened again. Just like you said when we parted last time!” he continued, shaking his head with disbelief.

You tried not to laugh. “Oh yeah?”

“Well, I was invited to go on this trip, were you too?”

“I guess you could say that,” you mused, amazed that he hadn’t clicked onto it yet.

“Wait,” he finally said, pointing at you. “How come you’re not amazed to see me?”

“Maybe because I was not about to wait until fate would have us cross paths again and booked this trip for us,” you announced and Jaebum slowly grinned.

“Really? You want to spend time with me?”

“Should I go spend it with someone else?” you offered and Jaebum disagreed almost immediately, taking your hand in his. You shifted closer, smiling at him as he rubbed his thumb over the back of your hand affectionately.

“You know, when this trip is over, I’m not going to agree about parting ways again,” he told you and you grinned, leaning in so you could kiss his lips.

“Fate might have been late in bringing us back together but I’m not going to let anything – or one – pull us apart again.”

_________________

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[islamicrays]

Assalamualaikum sis , Someone left me .I can't focus on myself. Pls advise me

Walaikum Assalaam

The best remedy is to keep yourself busy and to be in His rememberace. When you get thought of him seek refuge in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Fix your prayers and make your relationship stronger with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Think of ways how you can improve your relation with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Help your mother in the house. Be good to your family members. Do activities in your free time. Do dhikr all the time. It will help you in shaa Allah

First we need to attach ourselves to Allah then we can easily detach from others. We need to balance the love of Creator and the Creation. Keep the love of the creation in your hand and the love of Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala in your heart that’s difficult to do but with time you will learn. For this we need to make dua and love for the sake of Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala

“Call on your Lord when your heart is brittle, that is a time when it’s in pieces and the Light of Allah can fill the gaps. That is why Allāh is with the broken hearted.”

-Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

“The fastest way to heal a broken heart is to find someone better to love, and love more. Know that sometimes heartbreak happens just to push you to Allah.”

-Yasmin Mogahed

Fix your prayers and ask Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala for the help. Always remember that Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala plans are better than our wishes. Make lots of dua and while asking Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala always say “if it’s good for me” because we don’t know what’s good for us only Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala knows.

“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (Quran 2:216)

Advice from Hadia Alia on moving from a ex boyfriend

“Moving on from an ex-boyfriend can sometimes be very complex. Every situation is uniqe and will require different actions. Here are a few tips to get over him:

Cry. It is ok to cry if you want as it feels better when you let all the emotions out instead of keeping them bottled up inside you forever.Talk to someone you trust. Sometimes you just need someone to listen rather than offer advice. Even you cannot understand why it happened, talking about it can help you accept that the relationship is over.Get the help you need. A breakup can have serious negative effects on your mental and physical well-being, especially if you find that you are still dwelling on it months later. Breakups have been associated with weakened immune systems and an increased risk of illness. People who have not gotten over a breakup within 16 weeks can even experience physical changes in their brains that reduce their motivation, concentration, and emotions. A therapist can help by listening to you, encouraging you to confront your feelings, and teaching you new ways to do with your pain.Remind yourself to let go. There are variety of behavioral techniques you can try to stop thinking about your ex. All of these techniques rely on your ability to recognize when a thought about your ex enters your mind and to take a specific action to stop that thought from coming back. Remember that these techniques are to be used for obsessive thoughts only! If you have not yet dealt with your feelings and taken the time to grieve, you should not try to suppress your thoughts.

– You can try wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it each time you think about your ex.

– You can write down the thoughts you are having about your ex on a piece of paper and then throw it away.

– You can try a visualization exercise, which requires you to visualize a specific scene whenever a thought of your ex occurs to you. For example, you could think of a stop sign in order to remind yourself that you need to stop what you are doing. If you do this consistently, the association should become automatic.

Focus on taking care of yourself. In order to boost your mood, it’s important to practice healthy habits. Make sure you exercise regularly and get plenty of sleep. Committing yourself to a healthy lifestyle will not only make you feel good, but it may just offer you the escape you need from thoughts about your ex

– Start praying five times. It will help you to regain your positivity and let go of the stress associated with your breakup.

Remember, you are strong and can get over him if you really want to.”

Always remember this:

“No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself for the outcome of all affairs is determined by the decree of Allah. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come on your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.”

-Umar ibn al Khattab (Radi Allahu Ta’ala Anhu)

On healing broken hearts:

If you are trying to get over a person you can’t be with, treat it like an addiction:

1. Cut yourself off from the drug completely: Cut off all communication and reminders–even if that means blocking numbers, emails, a Facebook profile, and stop checking their Facebook! This is your detox.

2. Replace it with something better: Increase in your thikr (remembrance of Allah) and get closer to Allah. If you aren’t praying your daily prayers, fix that. Pray all and pray on time. Pray qiyam in the last third of the night (just before fajr). Make duaa, tawbah (repentance), cry, plead to Allah. This is your treatment.

(Yasmin Mogahed)

Unlawlful love before marriage…

Ibn al Qayyim al Jawziyyah (rahimahullah) mentions in regards to unlawful love before marriage (i.e. haram sexual relations, or love for someone who you are unable to marry).

“And the cure for this deadly illness (i.e. unlawful love before marriage) is for the person that is afflicted to realise that this love is only due to his/her own delusions and ignorance.

So upon such a person is to first and foremost strengthen their Tawheed and reliance upon Allah, and secondly to increase in worship and busy themselves with it, so much so that they do not have any spare time letting their minds wander and think about their beloved.

And they should call upon Allah to protect them and save them from this evil, just as Prophet Yusuf called upon Allah and he was saved. And they should do as he did, be as he was, in terms of ikhlaas (sincerity) and remembering Allah in abundance.

This is because if the heart is filled with ikhlaas for the sake of Allah, there will be no space left for any unlawful love to be present, rather this only happens to a heart that is empty and has no ikhlaas whatsoever.

And let such people remind themselves that whatever Allah has decreed for them is only in their own best interests, and when Allah commands something it is never to cause harm or misery to His slaves.

And let them also remind themselves that their unlawful love does not benefit them, neither in this world or the hereafter! As for this world then they will be so preoccupied with their love that it will cripple them and will cause them to live in a fantasy world. And as for the hereafter then it will cause them to be preoccupied with the love of the creation instead of love for the Creator!

These people need to be reminded, that the one who is submerged in something will never see it’s ill effects, neither will the person who has never experienced such things. The only people who will be able to relate to them are those who have experienced the same thing but have been saved. Such people can look back and realise how evil it is.”

I hope it will be helpful. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide us all to the straight path. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes.

Allahumma Ameen