#emotionally mature. not in the same way someone like sans is. where sans knows how to help the player get along with papyrus rouxls seems

[stunfiskz]

i really do think that the most interesting way for rouxls to become a serious character is for him to keep his incompetence. like. as in he may have weird ass powers but he doesn't really know how to fully use them or even be fully aware of their full extent. i just CANNOT see him as someone with some huge overarching plan- he couldn't even be assed to come up with a real plan with what would happen after he played the houses game against ralsei and kris. he's just. not some sort of mastermind. at least, if he by some miracle he does turn out to actually be, i'll honestly be really disappointed because i feel like this angle is just so much more interesting. hell, you could even tie that in to his desire to serve- just because he may not know how to take advantage of those powers doesn't mean someone else won't, and i feel like the idea of him following along with someone else's plan fits a lot better with what we know about his character. i just really dislike the idea of "rouxls is the knight/gaster/deltarune version of sans" because it all just feels like it's trying to twist his character into some genius with a larger plan when i really just. love his character for being a fucking idiot. yknow.

[queer-and-dear-books]

Title: I Think Our Son Is Gay

Author: Okura

Genre: Comics | Family | Friendship | LGBTQ+

Content Warnings: Slight Homophobia

Overall Rating: 10/10

Personal Opinion: A wholesome story about acceptance, unconditional love, and unrelenting support. Told from the perspective of a mother who thinks her teenage son is gay (and he definitely is), you will absolutely fall in love with how she learns about the best ways to support her son and unlearn certain behaviors and thoughts. I truly wish and hope that every queer kid has a parent like this mom.

Do I Own These Books? Yes! I own the first four volumes!

Spoilers Below For My Likes & Dislikes:

Likes:

- First of all, I think these comics are incredibly relatable. Personally, for me, Hiroki represents my queer experience growing up. I don’t care for male idols much but I adore female idols. I fall for more masculine-presenting people. And I have definitely looked up “muscle men” on the internet when I was thirteen. Not everything about Hiroki is relatable. Some things are exaggerated for comedic effect obviously, like when he gets super-focused on attractive masculine men. But even then, I feel like he’s representing my inner thoughts and I appreciate that.

- Obviously the best part of the manga is the mother’s undying love and support for her son. She wasn’t thrilled when she first found out he might be gay but she realized, if he wasn’t hurt or hurting others, then there’s nothing wrong with him being gay. She makes mistakes, she slips up, but above all else, her love for her son will prevail in the end and she will respect him and any choices that he may or may not make. That’s the ideal kind of parent to me. 

- But the other best part is Yuri, the little brother. I adore him so much. Because he knows (or suspects) that Hiroki is gay as well and doesn’t care. But when someone tries to pry into Hiroki’s life, Yuri is there to defend him. There’s a scene where Hiroki’s dad is grilling him about something and Yuri gives Hiroki an out by saying Hiroki isn’t obligated to tell the dad anything. He’s such a smart and kind boy and I love that he and Hiroki have such a healthy relationship as siblings. I think that further shows that their mother did a great job raising the two of them.

- Hiroki’s obvious crush on Daigo is adorable. He sees Daigo as this cool and dependable person that is capable of doing anything he sets his mind to. But he doesn’t treat Daigo like a machine that will do anything for them like their classmates do. To him, Daigo is a friend first and foremost and he treats Daigo as such and it’s so wholesome. I love how he treasures gifts, photos, and words from Daigo because I would be the same.

- However, that being said, I love how Hiroki took a step back when Daigo got a girlfriend. He didn’t panic or cry or get angry about it. Throughout the series, he’s depicted as a very emotional person but he’s also very emotionally mature. He wants Daigo to hang out with his girlfriend and he wants Daigo to be happy even if that means not being together romantically. I find that so sweet.

- Toono-san! An actual, confirmed, explicitly stated gay man exists in this manga. He has a partner and he’s open about that if he’s asked about it. He has his past and his problems but he’s happy and that’s all I could want for a queer character. For them to be thriving. Best of all, he’s Hiroki’s mom’s co-worker and I find it so adorable how she comes to him when she needs advice about raising her son or a queer perspective on her son’s experiences. But she also learns through him that gay men aren’t a monolith, not all of them are going to act or react the same way in a situation as another. And I just love that.

- This manga series is so education for queers and non-queers alike and I think just about everyone should read it.

Dislikes:

- The older lady co-worker who said, “What a waste that he’s gay” about Tonoo-san. I hate those words. She also stereotyped him later on when she learned he was gay. But you know what, this story isn’t about her. It’s about what we can learn not to do from microaggressions like her’s.

- I’m not sure I’m a fan of Hiroki’s dad. I just have to hope that his love for his sons will overcome any judgment and prejudice he may hold against queer people. I also hope that his wife calls him out on his bullshit more. Overall, I do appreciate his character’s presence and what it adds to the narrative.

[ravenhealer5]

Maybe it's bc I didn't ship JK until they became canon, but I never felt that he was a replacement just based on who Mikasa and Jean were portrayed during those 139 chapters. Mikasa is described as prideful, so is Jean to a certain degree.He's one of the rare person who called her out on her obsession with Eren which tells me that if he felt she was still being obsessed with E and was using as a replacement, he wouldn't had marry her. He never forced this relationship bc Mikasa was into in Eren, why would he start now? The point of EM was imo, to portray an unhealthy relationship. Her obsession was never abt how much she was in love with him, but rather how dependant she was to me, so comparing it to JK doesn't make sense.

Lol I don't like how the fandom throws around the words 'obsessed' or 'unhealthy' but I get your sentiment. EM as a relationship hasn't exactly been portrayed in a very good light. I mean it literally has been paralleled to king Fritz and Ymir. Now the two relationships themselves aren't similar but the parallel doesn't exist in a void and both are shown as relationships where the girl should let go. The message is there should be a limit to your devotion. When people claim Mikasa's love for Eren will remain greater than her love for Jean, by that logic Ymir's love for king Fritz is even greater. That's the whole point of that plot point, having a balance in your love and knowing when to stop. Mikasa's over attachment to Eren was literally her character flaw and she killed him out of her own choice. While she spent her life with Jean out of her own choice.

I personally think when it comes to EM, like many other things in AOT, the opinions are very polarised. It's either EM are soulmates who were meant to be or EM came out of nowhere. Both of which is untrue. EM, as a relationship was a disaster, yes, because they were emotionally incapable of forming a functional relationship with each other. Eren was a self centred person unable to love anyone in a mature way. His love is on paper, he loves a lot of people but won’t make compromises for said loved ones. That’s why he risks the lives of the same people whom he wants to live long happy lives. He loves, just not enough. And Mikasa was able to form balanced bonds with others but not Eren because of her extreme fear of losing him. When saving a drowning person, if you get close to them, they’ll hold on to you so tightly, you won’t be able to swim either and as a result you’ll both drown. But you can’t expect them to understand that, because of the extreme state of panic they’re in. They’re just holding on with everything to what they perceive as their only chance at surviving. That was Mikasa with Eren. To her, he became her last surviving family she cannot afford to lose at any cost and she held on to him with everything she got. Eren and Mikasa are not Romeo and Juliet, failed by society, failed by their elders, failed by everyone. EreMika was failed by EreMika. That's a tragedy, they were right there, always next to each other, it could've been so easy but it wasn't because of who they were. But the importance of EM isn’t in how good or bad or successful or whatever their relationship was. It’s in what it brought about. Mikasa is alive today because of Eren, Eren taught her how to live, showed her warmth in a cold world. Mikasa now has people in her life. She has a family. With Jean. Her childhood friend is Armin. She has other important friends, has a guardian like figure in Levi, has someone who connects her to her heritage, Kiyomi San. And she wouldn't have met any of these people had she not been with Eren. Eren is gone, but what Mikasa got from him (or through him) will last her entire lifetime. And from Eren's side, he ended up becoming a monster in the end. But still, there remains one person in the world to whom he will always be a reminder of beauty and not cruelty. Eren's beautiful side, however small compared to his cruel side, existed. And it lives through Mikasa. It has always been a pattern. Eren kills at age nine, Mikasa is saved. Eren turns into a titan and goes on a rampage, Mikasa is saved. Eren unlocks the power of the co-ordinate and kills Dina, Mikasa is saved. Eren does the rumbling, as a long term result of which Paradis gets nuked. But after Mikasa has lived a long life. Keep in mind, Eren in all these cases has been more focused on the destruction part, Eren has a natural tendency towards violence, he just needs an excuse. But Mikasa has always been saved by his monstrous acts. This is where EM's beauty and tragedy lies. Not in terms of being a romantic relatiosnship. Like they didn't even have a relationship to begin with.

And yes, I agree that Jean won't be with her if he felt like a replacement for Eren, neither will Mikasa be with him if she felt like she was settling for something that was only a second choice. Jean already had his own place in her life even when Eren was alive. Also, I personally don't think Jean was head over heels for Mikasa. Yes, he had feelings for her but I don't think when he sees her, his first thought is oooh I wanna marry her so bad. I think he sees her first and foremost as a precious friend. I believe when he came back and they fell in love, it was an experience for him as well. As in I don't think it was Jean trying to get her to say yes and finally succeeding, but their friendship getting deeper and then things growing through mutual inputs and taking a different turn. I don't think comparing any two relationships ever makes sense but for EM and JK, the two are way too different in nature.

[creatingnikki]

Start Up

This was the first k-drama where I legit thought that the 2nd male lead was actually the first male lead until half-way through the show. While I do really like Nam Do-San’s character, I think  Han Ji-Pyeong made me feel WAY more. Especially in terms of the romantic chemistry. 

In the beginning, I was so satisfied with the show. But then I think somewhere around the 12th or 13th episode I started to get bored and disappointed. I think that’s mainly because halmeoni suddenly became a side side character and even Ji-Pyeong didn’t have as much screen time. I also feel like there were some sub-plots that were highly unnecessary because they weren’t fleshed out well and felt disconnected like the friend’s brother who died and he wanted revenge, the whole Alex California 3 year time-jump thing. Like that really slowed down the show and made me go ???  The finale however redeemed the show for me!

There were solid side characters in this k-drama, something I generally appreciate about k-dramas as a whole. The character development was also solid and sweet. I think the one that most touched me was Seo/Won In-Jae’s character development. 

I found more depth in her character than even Seo Dal Mi’s. I loved how she changed her name and then visited her grandmother because she just couldn’t do that before it. I get it. I really do. I think we all take our time to do the things we should/want to and that’s completely okay.

Which brings me to the point that Seo Dal Mi, especially towards the second half, felt like a very basic character. I think she was perhaps the only one who didn’t have much development. I honestly didn’t even find her and Nam Do San’s romance to be great or swoon-worthy. 

The most touching connection for me in this kdrama was  Han Ji-Pyeong and halmeoni’s. Like OH MY GOD. Whether it was when he was a child or even as an adult, their scenes made me cry.

 It was the most wholesome, sincere relationship in the entire show! Whether it was her taking him in and thinking he would rob her money in the shop or him thinking that she gave away his investment profits to her son - and both of them being wrong. The scene at the bus station where she gives him a new pair of shoes and tells him only to contact him when he is upset/alone/ill. 

The fact that she calls him good boy. Ahhhhhh. EVERY bit of it. Like even in the finale when she goes to his house and breaks down when she recognises he is sad + lonely I couldn’t stop my tears!!!!! It’s like he can be his true self with halmeoni.

And can I just ramble on about Ji-Pyeong? Firstly his dimples. I can’t deal. 

Secondly his acting. Thirdly his dialogue and his character arc. The way he was so smart in investing and work. The way he could give real feedback and the way he could be honest with Nam Do-San at the end. Aso the fact that he asked him to stop feeling inferior - ahhhhh. Someone really needed to tell Do-San to feel confident and enough and the fact that Ji-Pyeong did that meanth EVERYTHING. Everything about Ji-Pyeong had my heart! His conversations with Yeong-Shila and his drunk moments. And everything in between. I am really heartbroken that he ended up alone. To be honest, by the end of it I really wanted him to end up with In-Jae. I think they as a couple would surprise all of us. 

I know this may be a controversial opinion but both In-Jae and Ji-Pyeong were such strong characters and I feel like they would have easily overpowered the actual first leads (individually and together) if some more attention was paid to them. Which is probably why it wasn’t? But I feel like had the writers of the show leaned more into these two characters. They were smart, mature, emotionally more complex and that’s probably one of my major disappointments with Start-Up. 

But anyhooo, I really appreciated that the last scene was Nam Do-San and Seo Dal-Mi walking to their investor meeting and not their wedding scene. Because yaaaas power couple! I also love how her being the CEO didn’t make Do-San feel inferior or have some sexist ego complex. 

Talking about other side characters I really appreciated Seo Dal Mi’s mom’s redemption. It warmed my heart. I loved how Nam DO San’s father at the end put up the Samsan Tech sign board in the living room and said that the next time he thinks his son is doing something he doesn’t approve of he will look at it 3 times and wait it out/support him? Jung Sa-Ha and Lee Chul-San’s romance appealed to me a lot more than the leads’ romance - no kidding. 

Some of my FAVOURITE scenes were between Nam Do-San and Ji-Pyeong. Like in one of the first few episodes when they are at that conference/party where Nam Do-San shows up as a hot-shot entrepreneur for Dal-Mi and then the two guys move aside to show that they are talking and know each other and Do-San is like what do we talk about? ANd Ji-Pyeong is like let’s just recite the national anthem! I DIED. And then at the end when he invests in Cheonymyeong and they shake hands, how initially Ji-Pyeong only shakes with his two fingers. They both individually and together were beautiful. 

Also can I just say how cool I found the founder and CEO of sandbox just struck me as the COOLEST woman? She’s the kind of person I’d want as my mentor and friend if I was starting a business. And Dal Mi-s father’s backstory is just so very s ad with him finally getting an investment but also like dying the very same day. Sandbox really feels in some way his legacy? 

And I also low-key found the relation between Ji-Pyeong and park Dong-Chun endearing. Like ho Dong-Chun aways recommends all these lovely start ups that aren’t really profitable but he just cannot resist it! And how Ji-Pyeong finally personally invests in the start up for kids who leave orphanages at 18 in the end :’) I was waiting for him to finally personally invest in something like this because he’s rich and he can and I loved it. More than the investing, his meeting with the CEO of that start up was funny and how he wasn’t harsh towards him and how also said he wants a few kids that he can mentor! My heart!

Nam Do-San. I love how he had SO many insecurities because I have always associated that with the female leads whether in kdramas or just generally in the world of fiction. And the fact that he didn’t have any toxic or abusive outlets for his issues is what made me adore him. The friendship between him and his two developer friends was also very heartwarming.

I did really like the business and entrepreneurship aspect of the show like how thye tried to include concepts like the J curve and why you should be a majority shareholder in your own business and what investors look for and stuff. Ofc I would have LOVED it to be more heavy on that aspect but I get that for the general viewership that probably wouldn’t have worked. 

One of the most striking things about Start Up was the relationship between the two sisters. I can’t tell you how much I was digging the fact that neither of them, especially Won In-Jae (at the time) tried to backstab or fuck things up for the other. Even though they had been away for a decade and clearly had made opposite choices in picking their parents and hence a lot of their life, they didn’t once sabotage the other. In fact, they were always concerned about the other when it really came down to it. And them reuniting and working together was a highlight for me. 

This is one of the few kdramas that got the finale done so beautifully. But since Ji-Pyeong’s 2020 life wasn’t really shown to us this is how I’m narrating it in my head. He and In-Jae get together and are this smart power-couple who can open up with each other and be soft and adorable. He also has formed meaningful connections with two kids who left the orphanage and their connection is as wholesome as his and halmeoni's. He and In-Jae live  together in his apartment facing Han River and keep cutely arguing over start up ideas and companies to invest in. Now any time he looks at Seo Dal Mi and Do San he feels friendly affection and this sort of protective vibe. He found some super eye specialist and got halmeoni's eye sight fixed. Her corn dog shop became a huge franchise cos plot twist In Jae and Dal Mi's mother is actually v strategic in business growth.

[marigoldsandbuttercups]

Idk if anyone ever asked about your lusttale bros yet? Could we have some general hcs for them like personality and such?

Lusttale Boys HCs

I ended up writing too much gshshs

Orchid (Lusttale Sans)

- Is a lot more attentive to personalities and sensitive to emotions than his OG counterpart is.

- Still retains that ever calm composure of his, though it's naturally accompanied with a special type of charm.

- Doesn't have a strong need for getting intimate, could live life without it.

- Is more playful and tends to make subtle but lewd jokes just to mess with people.

- Is also more confident in himself but he just doesn't show it often.

- Looks like he isn't bothered most of the time, he really isn't.

- Has very few people that he holds close to him and isn't as trusting as he seems.

Spice (Lusttale Papyrus)

- A lot less naive than his OG counterpart, also more subdued in terms of being energetic.

- Knows what's going on, just likes to pretend he doesn't so he can see through people.

- Is more charming and smoother in his words, doesn't need to show how he feels.

- Is more trusting than his brother is, but that doesn't mean he's nice to everyone.

- Has a streak of being sarcastic when people think he's too cute or naive.

- Loves the express himself through things like clothes, drawings and dancing.

- Is supportive but he's more blunt about his ways. He doesn't believe in sugarcoating things unless he wants something.

Lux (Swaplust Sans)

- Also is a lot calmer than his counterpart, but he has a very enigmatic presence.

- Very, very flirty and most of the time he doesn't really take it seriously.

- Cares a lot more than he's willing to show, he doesn't want to have his trust broken.

- Uses his cute looks to his advantage (usually to get expensive stuff for free lmao)

- Has very high confidence in himself, he loves self care more than anything.

- Knows how to pick and choose his words, compared to his counterpart who's a lot more blunt. He's only brutally honest with you if you're close to him.

Latte (Swaplust Papyrus)

- While he's nervous about getting too close to people, Latte can be very charming if he's confident enough.

- Is more of a homebody if anything, he doesn't really like going out compared to his brother.

- Makes the lamest jokes at the worst moments because he finds it funny.

- Is a little touch repulsed, only letting those who are very close to him to be touchy.

- Still an ass tho gshshshs, is more than likely to play tricks on you, it's his way of being nice.

- Is a huge nerd, he loves to write compared to his counterpart. Has a way with words.

Rogue (Lustfell Sans)

- Is a lot more flirty and relies more on his words than being physical with someone.

- Is less emotionally constipated but he definitely has his guard up almost always.

- He still keeps that rough and tough demeanor, just because things are different doesn't mean he's always safe.

- Can read the room and easily blend in with others, he's quite a social butterfly.

- He's also a lot more easygoing and lightheaded, making some rather crude jokes to make people flustered.

- Still, if not, a lot more standoffish. The underground isn't exactly all that safe despite their circumstances.

Crimson (Lustfell Papyrus)

- Knows he's hot shit and will not act otherwise.

- He's a lot more into performing and isn't really shy about anything.

- Very, very distrustful. It takes a long time for him to even give you a more.. Kinder glare.

- Is also very touch repulsed, he doesn't really feel comfortable with it unless its someone who he knows like the back of his hand.

- A lot more mature than his own counterpart, doesn't fluster easily.

- Is more of the cool but scary wine aunt. You wanna get to know him but man, he's scary.

Whiskey (Swapfelllust Sans)

- Well, to start things off, he has no interest in being intimate, at all. It just makes him uncomfortable and he doesn't feel any need for it.

- But man, he's an ace with his words, able to weave them seamlessly and cast a spell on you with them if he so wishes.

- Is still very guarded, and probably a little more meaner.

- Has an incredibly good poker face, it's almost impossible to make him blush as he's just immune to everything at this point. Except for tender loving hshshshs

- Has this aura where he can just catch your attention with ease, but you'll have to work really hard to catch his.

- A big tease honestly, he loves leaving people wondering if he had really meant what he had said.

Caramel (Swapfelllust Papyrus)

- A big, hopeless flirt. He thinks it's cute when he can make people flustered by teasing them a little.

- But he also has a streak of being jealous, unlike his counterpart. He wants to be apart of your world.

- Likes to goof off and doesn't really take things seriously... Well, at least he'll allow you to believe that lmao.

- Most likely has an OnlyFans, uses it to troll people with memes, but they all love it so there's that. He uses to have fun and earn money at the same time even though he has a ton of G.

- Is also more energetic and likes to do activities that leave his adrenaline (well more like magic but still) rushing, especially running.

[canariie]

it was just a dream

Rating: K+

Synopsis: On one of Momo’s darkest days, she meets a stranger at night that comes crashing through to her garden.

Word Count: 3705 words

Setting: Post-chapter 686

Prompt: Hitsuhina Week 2020 Gift Exchange

Authour’s Note: This is for @rays-of-fire-and-ice as part of the @hitsuhina-week 2020 Gift Exchange! Just in time for the end of Hitsugaya’s birthday :) 

[I know the themes were Red String (which I absolutely love and would write something separate for that) or Birthday, but I had this idea for a while and felt this was a perfect moment to explore :) ] 

Ray’s requested a take on Momo meeting the “Mature Hitsugaya”! I think the premise is so promising in the Battle with Gerard but I’ve always entertained the idea of what if Momo never knew that Hitsugaya had a matured form? ;)

I hope you enjoy!

—

The white moon hung high and alone in the sky, its light reflecting off the grey stones of Momo’s garden. The mist still hung in the air from the earlier storm leaving the plants glistening with dew.

If it had been any other night, Momo would have loved to settle down on the porch with a steaming cup of tea and watch the stars. However, the thunderstorm earlier had only rattled her nerves from an emotionally draining day, leaving her exhausted with a shawl wrapped around herself.

Momo sighed. I wish today would just end.

Today was the anniversary of the day Aizen had tried to murder her. Though it had been many years since the former captain had defected from Soul Society, whenever the day crept around, she could feel her body shut down. Like a dark foreboding cloud, it occupied her mind, and drained her strength.

It had rained all day, which had shut Momo in alone with her anxiety on edge. She couldn’t muster the will to go to the dining hall and pick up a proper meal for herself so she nibbled on morsels of food from her kitchen. However, she had promptly thrown it up, her stomach in knots and with an empty desire that food couldn’t satisfy. So the brunette remained in bed, drifting in between consciousness and restless bouts of sleep. Now that it was the middle of the night and the rain had passed, Momo forced herself out of bed and in the shower to wash the nerves away before changing into her sleep wear. Though she had not left her room, she still wanted some semblance of routine before going to bed.

She had taken the day off without any complaint from her captain; they both had an unspoken agreement on reminders of the past when it concerned Aizen. It was their way of giving each other space to fight their own battles. However, she knew Hirako-taicho still cared when he had sent some tea for her earlier in the day.

No matter how much she told herself that she had moved on, this day left an indelible mark on her heart as a reminder of the foolish person she was in the past. Everyone had carried some scar from the wars past but had worked to move on; however, for Momo, this day always pulled her back in the dark place of confusion, betrayal and self-loathing.

Momo wrapped the shawl tight around her shoulders before taking a brush through her wet hair. Her hair had now grown past her shoulders, almost halfway down her back. It has grown quite long, she mused. Maybe it’s time for a change.

Hirako-taicho had offered to cut her hair again and she was more open to the idea than the first time he had offered. But there was something that held her back, as she hadn’t had this length since Aizen was her captain—and she didn’t quite know what to make of that.

He was the one that had offered the blue hair cloth to her, as a way to keep her hair safe from battle. At that time, Momo had been over the moon to accept such a gift, believing that she had lucked out with the best captain in the Gotei 13.

But now as she inspected a lock of her hair, Momo could only be reminded of the naivety of a girl that was too star-struck to see the evil lurking within.

Both of Rangiku-san and Rukia-san’s hair have already grown so long since they last cut it. It suits them both and they still manage to fight in battle well. They have both moved on and made something for themselves.

Momo sighed and continued to brush her hair Maybe I should cut it short again…I don’t even know if this long hair would suit me.

All of sudden, a crash erupted from the corner of her garden, startling her to drop the hair brush. It sounded too loud to be an animal, but it was past midnight, and far too late for anyone to wander. The brunette stood up, her shoulders tense as she mentally switched into battle mode. She heard a noise rustle from the bush at the edge of her garden and what sounded like unintelligible muttering.

“Who’s there?” she called out, preparing to summon Tobiume to her side.

What emerged out of the bushes, knocked Momo off her feet and back onto the porch, her night robe slipping of her shoulder. A grown man with shockingly familiar white hair stepped out, albeit less than gracefully, removing the leaves from his hair. His stature was long and thin and she could hear him panting for breaths. White plumes of frost floated all around him, and pools of ice bloomed at his feet. All the wet dew that remained from the rain turned to ice, as if Winter were following this man.

This man wore the shinigami uniform but there was no marking of a division insignia anywhere. Instead, pieces of ice covered his arms and legs with a collar resting on his shoulders, like frozen armor. She could hear the crackle of it as he stepped forward and it fell to the ground. He looked up and Momo could feel the breath escape from her lungs: his eyes were the same deep emerald of her childhood friend. “Hitsugaya-kun?” she called out softly. “Is that you…?”

The man stopped what he was doing and froze, as if realizing that she was there for the first time. “Hinamori?”

Oh my. The timber of this man’s voice was much deeper and it raised goosebumps on her skin.

No, this can’t be Hitsugaya-kun. His eyes seemed far brighter and the look of fear on his face was a foreign one she had never seen on her childhood friend. It felt like someone took the most comfortable parts of her childhood friend and distorted it into this strange older man.

“What’s going on…?”

“Wait, Hinamori—” he doubled over, his body crumpling to lean against his sword. The man struggled to push himself up before collapsing with a thud on the ground.

Momo stood still, in shock at this somewhat strange apparition that appeared in her gardens.

I have to be dreaming. That’s the only possible explanation.

If this were real or not, the man on the ground was not moving, and as time passed on, a pool of worry quelled in the bottom of her stomach. Momo wasn’t sure who this man was, but she also knew she couldn’t leave him alone when he clearly needed help.

With trepidation, she slowly approached the shinigami. Frost surrounded all of him, as if the area around him had already frozen over for winter. Closer up, she could study his face, which truly looked like an older version of her childhood friend. But the traces of childhood were gone, leaving a defined jaw and striking cheekbones. However, Momo noted under his eyes there were deep shadows and even in sleep, there was a weariness to his face. As she bent down next to him, the ice that was surrounding his body had now finally cracked, settling into piles of snow dust.

When Momo reached out her hand to touch his arm, she almost pulled back at the feeling of ice. Like frostbite, her skin burned with the extreme cold and she could feel it race through her arm. She had held hands with her childhood friend before, but he had never been this cold. This man was so cold it was like he was dead. Instinctively, Momo raised her reiatsu higher than normal and a warm glow emanated from her body. No one else should be awake so this shouldn’t hurt anyone else. Slowly, the snow began to melt, and the green grass emerged again, as if spring had returned.

Momo quickly attempted to pull him up but was almost knocked over by his size. This white-haired man towered over her and she could feel the weight pulling her down. But she had practice from when she would train with Renjii so she quickly repositioned his weight so that he was draped over her shoulders. Momo tried to ignore his breaths against her neck as she pulled him along with her before dropping him, quite unceremoniously, on her veranda.

Though it was cold outside, she was still wary to bring him in her bedroom so she settled for rummaging inside for as many blankets as she could find to cover the shinigami.

Momo collapsed with a sigh of defeat, feeling more exhausted than the beginning of the night. I don’t know what’s going on, but I can’t leave him alone. She glanced over, trying to see if there were any apparent injuries she had missed in her early inspection. Momo moved to sit next the sleeping man, and looked closer at his hands.

They’re so large…one could cover all of my hand.

Before she knew it, she lifted one of his hands, studying it. His temperature was still low, but not as deadly as before. As Momo increased her reiatsu, she found herself rubbing her fingers over his knuckles, noting the calluses on his palms.

“If this is you Hitsugaya-kun…what have you been doing?” He had never mentioned anything like this to her before and it arose deep insecurities of deception from within. Momo could feel the anxiety begin to grow inside her as her mind raced of all the possibilities why her childhood friend would keep secrets from her. Stop Hinamori, Hitsugaya isn’t like that. He’s proved that to you before. But, she couldn’t ignore the seed of doubt inside.

A muffled groan brought Momo out of her daze and towards the white-haired man who was slowly waking up. His emerald eyes blinked out of focus, taking a moment to register where he was until they settled on Momo. Immediately, he pulled his hand away causing Momo to jump as he bolted up and pushed himself away from her.

“Don’t touch me! You’ll hurt yourself!” There was a fear in his voice and she could feel his anxious eyes on her, as if he were checking her for any injuries. Momo couldn’t find the words to say anything, too arrested by his deep voice and the open panic on his face—things that she had not associated with her childhood friend at all, leaving her confused.  

The man sighed in frustration, clearly out of his element. It took him a second before he looked down, finally registering the multiple blankets that covered him. “Did you put these on me?” he asked incredously.

“Well, you were cold,” she replied indignantly, “And even if I’m not sure what’s not going on, I’m not going to leave you to freeze to death.”

A moment passed and he chuckled softly in disbelief. “Only you would clothe a stranger in a blanket.”

“Well, that’s what I would like to know…” Momo eyed him measuredly. “Are you Hitsugaya-kun?” she asked in an even voice.

He matched her gaze but Momo could see something beneath the emerald colour, almost like wariness. “If I said yes, what would you think?”

“I would say this is a dream because I know that my childhood friend did not grow overnight,” Momo responded. “Unless, there’s something that he’s not telling me…”

He remained silent for a moment. “Are you not afraid of me?” he whispered.

Momo narrowed her eyes. “I’m more afraid of the fact that you would be hiding something for me.”

The white-haired man looked down, a flash of shame passing his features. “I would not hide anything from you deliberately, Hinamori.”

“Then what is this? How does my childhood friend turn into someone I don’t know and crash in my garden in the middle of the night? Why are you so deadly cold to touch? Why is your reiatsu out of control?” She could feel tears began to prick at the corner of her eyes. “Please tell me what’s going on, Hitsugaya-kun,” Momo pleaded, her voice cracking.

When he looked up, Momo felt like her heart break inside at the sorrow in his eyes. “I can’t control my reiatsu when I’m in this form…I might end up hurting you.”

“You would never intentionally hurt me.”

“Don’t say that Hinamori,” his tone cold, like the sharpness of a blade. “I have hurt you in the past.”

“And it was not your fault,” she asserted adamantly. “Also, I have been counteracting your reiatsu.” She took hold of his hands and his body stiffened. He tried to pull away but it only encouraged Momo to hold on tighter and increase her own reiatsu, sending warmth from her palms into his body.

She could see his body slowly relax. “See, you could never hurt me.” Momo smiled.

He started to say something, but stopped and sighed. “You never cease to amaze me, Hinamori.” They were quiet for a moment, basking in the warmth of her reiatsu. However, she felt her breath hitch when he placed his other hand on top of hers, encasing them fully. “You’ve always been like this…thank you.” He let out a small smile that set a flush racing against her cheeks.

Momo cleared her throat. “Will you let me know now why you’re suddenly…older?”

She could see the inner argument behind his eyes—at least that part was still the same of Hitsugaya. “I have been training my bankai...but to develop it to its full potential, I have to age a bit.”

“A bit?” Momo said dubiously.

“It doesn’t last long, it’s only temporary,” he alleviated. “Between you and me, I’m hanging on by a thread now.”

They fell again in silence and Momo took the time to study him—this older Toushiro. Yes, it was as if he jumped 50 years to the future. But behind the broad shoulders and tall stature, Momo could begin to see her childhood friend. From the stubborn fringe that covered his eye, the troubled furrow of his brow, to the protruding bottom lip as if he were perpetually frowning—her Toushiro was still there.

That’s Hitsugaya-kun for you, always working on getting stronger…and moving on. Momo could feel the anxiety return at the bottom of her stomach, freezing her whole body. Everyone is moving on…

“You’re amazing Hitsugaya-kun…” she said weakly. “I really could never compare…” She couldn’t stop her voice from trembling.

“What are you talking about?” he said apprehensively, noting the change in her tone. He gripped her hands tighter but it only served to release the tears she was trying to hold back.

“You and everyone else have been training so hard, while I’m still stuck in the same place…And every year this day comes, it just takes me back to what I was before,” she wallowed. “I’m still the same naive girl.”

“That’s not true, Hinamori…” His emerald eyes searched hers, trying to convey the truth but she wouldn’t hold his gaze.

“Yes it is! If I truly would have become stronger, this day wouldn’t hurt me anymore,” Momo wept. She pulled her hands away from his and swiped away at her tears. “It just reminds me of all the things that I’ve done to hurt you.” She covered her face, too ashamed to look at him as her body shook with sobs.

Momo didn’t realize how much frustration and anxiety she had been holding in until it all had released. It had hurt so much to keep it inside that she couldn’t help the tears that poured out. She also couldn’t remember the last time when she actively cried out loud this much.

Too caught up in the moment, Momo didn’t even register the presence of him moving closer to her as he wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. Slowly, two cool hands pulled hers away from her face and squeezed them tight. Momo looked up and was surprised to see the open concern on his face.

“Shiro-chan?”

His eyes didn’t leave hers, almost as if he were trying to communicate with them. “I’m sorry that I didn’t see you today and left you alone. I’m sorry that I crashed down into your garden and scared you. I’m sorry that I have failed you when I couldn’t save you.

“I’m sorry for many things in my life Hinamori.” He gripped her hands tighter. “But I have never been sorry that you are a part of my life.

“In the academy, we are taught to lay down our lives for our family and friends,” he leaned forward and Momo felt like she looking at the ocean, his emerald eyes drawing her in. Though his voice had grown deeper, it was the gravitas of the tone that held her attention. “If it came down to it, I would lay my life down for you regardless.”

“But why?” Momo protested. “I’m naïve, believe in others too easily and hurt those around me. I only hold you back!”

He shook his head softly and continued undeterred.

“You don’t realize how important you are to others. Your strength is in your faith in others and the kindness you radiate to everyone—including me.” At this point, he was so close that Momo could see the silver strands shining in the moon light as he bent his head down to be eye level with her. “Without you, I would not be where I am today. You have never held me back.”

“But you don’t need me to become stronger,” Momo whispered.

“You are the reason I have this power. Hinamori, you are my reason to be stronger. Without you, there is no purpose for all of this.” He pulled her closer to him. “I need you.”

A that point, Momo couldn’t cry anymore as she was too busy blushing furiously and processing his poignant words. Her Toushiro had never spoken to her with such intensity! Any self-doubts that were there, slowly vanished and Momo couldn’t ignore the lightness inside her chest. Coupled with the fact that these proclamations came from an older (more handsome) version of her childhood friend, Momo felt like she could implode from a fast beating heart.

She chuckled to herself, wiping the tears away from her cheeks. “Now, I really know I’m dreaming! You would never tell me things like that in reality!”

Momo wiped her face with her blanket as he continued to watch her solemnly with dark jade eyes.

Well, if she thinks it’s a dream…

Momo’s heart jumped as this Toushiro moved far closer than before to tug the slipped collar of her robe over her shoulder. “This has been bothering me all night,” he murmured. Her breath hitched as his long fingers then moved up her skin before pulling a lock of hair that rested on her collarbone. Turning it over, he inspected it as if it were precious silk. When he looked up at her through his dark eyelashes, she could hear her heart thumping erratically in her ears. “You should wear your hair down,” he smiled, leaving her breathless. “It suits you.”

Oh my goodness, Momo thought.

Now, she felt like she was going to implode.

--

“And then he covered my shoulder with my robe!” she exclaimed, cheeks flush and eyes wide. “And-and held my hair!”

The next thing she knew, Momo had woken up in bed, alone and with a still fast-beating heart. Too red-faced and preoccupied with thoughts of her dream to go to work, she had quickly rushed over to Rangiku’s quarters to discuss and inspect these new-found feelings.

Which is how she found herself settled on the blonde’s couch, with a warm cup of tea in her hands and the older girl quietly listening as Momo recalled her whole dream.

Rangiku raised a delicate eyebrow. “Did you enjoy it or not?”

“W-well, he was all grown up so it was so new!” she covered her red face with her hands. “But yes,” Momo mumbled.

The older girl took a sip of her tea before placing a warm hand on her shoulder. “Maybe Hinamori, this is a sign that you’re developing new feelings toward Taicho…”

Momo looked at her startled with wide brown eyes. “I have never thought of Hitsugaya-kun that way…He’s always been such a good friend to me. I couldn’t imagine anything else…”

At that point a knock came at Rangiku’s door and Momo felt like she jumped out of her skin.

A voice called out from the entrance, “Matsumoto, here are the reports that need to be sent out.” Momo whipped her head behind the couch just as the white-haired boy walked into the living room, a puzzled look on his face. “Hinamori? What are you doing here?”

“Hitsugaya-kun!” She shook her head viciously. “N-no, I mean Hitsugaya-taicho!”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’m glad you got my title right, but is there something you need?”

Flashes of the dream passed through Momo’s mind of hand-holding, a deep voice and intense emerald eyes, setting her heart racing.

“I-uh I…have to go back to my office!” She ran out quickly before Toushiro could utter another word.

Oh my goodness I can’t look at him the same way after that dream, Momo thought as she flash stepped to her division.

---

Rangiku watched the whole awkward scene unfold and she had to bite her lips from releasing the laughter she was holding in. Her captain looked so puzzled as the petite lieutenant had past him so fast, it would rival Yourichi’s flash-step.

“Hmm Taicho,” Rangiku said, finally breaking the silence, “Have you been training your bankai near the 5th division at night?”

He looked straight ahead and dropped the papers on her table. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Matsumoto.”

She smirked. “Well, you should be careful of appearing in women’s garden in your adult form. It can really cause them restless dreams and…intense heart palpitations.”

He pointedly ignored her. “I’ll see you soon in the office, Matsumoto.” Toushiro turned briskly around before the blonde could say anything, not wanting to continue the conversation.

He was inwardly happy, however, to see Hinamori with her hair down—glad that she had taken his words to heart.

-----

Authour’s Note: I hope you enjoyed it ;--; I haven’t written that much in so long! It was definitely a difficult one to write and I struggled a lot with their dialogue. 

I also think the “Mature Hitsugaya” has such Shoujo-manga material potential!! If Bleach were a shoujo-manga, I would have loved to see all the situations where Momo didn’t know about the older form xD (kind of like MeruPuri)

Also apologies if the characters were OOC but I felt Momo needed to hear those words.

I also always headcanon that the day Aizen tried to murder Momo would always be a dark one for her every year. And no matter how much she’s moved forward, it would still haunt her. I think it would take her many many years, after she’s gained her own footing and strength as an individual, to be able to move one from that day. So who better to console her than Toushiro? I didn’t reflect as much on him, but I also believe that day would be one marked for him as one of shame...it could probably merit a companion piece (if I ever have the energy haha)

I really hope you enjoyed my take on this, Rays!! Happy Hitsuhina Week 2020!!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

which bmc scenes make you the softest bc for me it's gotta be most of the stagedorks scenes ESPECIALLY a guy that i'd kinda be into. mostly bc of christine cause her and michael are my favs (i love them all sm though) but also bc of jeremy because he is a close second to both of them. also vimh but vimh makes me cry a lot although nowadays i can hardly watch one scene without at the very least tearing up. anyways yeah which ones make you soft

i simply rewatched bmc and took notes for this and really got off track at points in the sense of sticking to What Makes You Softest but that’s how it goes babey

ACT ONE - in mts when jeremy is just having a whole moment being smitten in christine's presence while she's inelegantly picking herself up off the floor and smearing on lip balm and adjusting a skirt wedgie - jeremy and michael just being default that glad to meet each other in the middle of a random schoolday - michael hyping up jeremy's crush on christine and just encouraging this momentum to get jeremy to sign up for the play - ilpr.....that christine stops after like, the first two verses and goes back to her book b/c she doesn't figure someone's looking to listen to her beyond that but then she sees jeremy's still 110% paying attention and the whole rest of the song enfolds with increasing enthusiasm - jake doing that whole bit "all the pressure i feel to be the best at everything all the time" lmao classic stuff here, depressing content delivered in this humorousse way. charming moment - "leave me alone, i've had a bad day" - 2pg......when michael taps jeremy on the shoulder to get jeremy to join in on his choreo, which jeremy then does.....that michael asks if jeremy will be too cool for Video Games and jeremy just responds Emotionally Directly......we love the Favorite Person moment......that this song just ends with the two of them grooving 2gether god bless - jeremy stammering and Tics and Fidgeting when the squip remarks uponst it - jeremy delivering the Looking Pretty Sexy Brooke as awkwardly as possible and she's just like "thanks :)" - jeremy's own Theatricality coming out......hey hamlet - jeremy spinning around in place alternately addressing both brooke and the squip with "oh i'm supposed to meet my friend michael" - nice little detail wherein brooke signals for chloe to join in on her choreo - speaking of, v fond of the Moment jeremy is in on both their choreo......brooke sort of alarming jeremy with her whole attempted grande finale, straw and all, ft. the first instance of her messing with his hair so much she's just tugging his entire head around - cute that jake and rich have a sort of 2pg-esque handshake routine too - jeremy's "that's sad, what should i do" reaction re: jenna - rich's Earnest invitation to come over and play xbox... - "bonjour, jeremy" "ooh brooke!" and this whole exchange, her complimenting him, him laughing at "That Was French" and remembering to ask about pinkberry - love the whole choreo sequence/s in sync up, especially fond of his Moments with the girls, bumping hips with chloe (twice), hearing some Gossip from jenna, posing with brooke.... ;__; - the bowling alley performance art exchange before agtikbi ;____; - agtikbi......the glittery hearts choreo.....the whatever! the interlude or whatever!!! the I Guess A Part Of Me section hhhhoughhh ;o; ;o; ;o; ;o; ;o; that she pulls him into a hug and puts her head against his shoulder omggg ;_________; - brooke just trying to interact with jeremy the Right Way w/o any guidance on the bleachers and it continues to be awkward and funny....like comforting just his Leg while he converses w/his squip.....how she just ends up Physically pushing him around by the hands and head and shoulder and etc......whole situation here in upgrade.mp3 clearly less than Ideal but jeremy and brooke are nevertheless very cute individually And together - meanwhile jake also trying to genuinely Be With christine in upgrade is also charming lol, quitting archery to hang w/a girl like her.... - i always love when the Playful Shove brooke gives jeremy at "but at the mall, you looked at me" pushes him back a whole few steps....this moment of them truly Getting each other sans anyone else's interference.....tres magnifique - jeremy being That psyched to see michael for the first time (in like, less than one full day lol)....michael being That psyched just hearing that jeremy's cool scifi thing worked out after all - lgw ;_________________________; - like i'm some normal, handsome guy..... - giving us All that silence after "The Problem Has Always Been Me" - the whole bit where he launches into the "I'm Not The [series of insults]" and i've realized it's really especially a stretch to say i'm Soft for these moments in lgw but i Am vulnerable and that's its power. little 1" tall will roland on my screen here just made me shed a real tear doing That.....

ACT TWO - brooke's Howl at the end of her verse lmawooo - oughhh jeremy and brooke Greeting each other at the party too, jeremy unable to disappoint her and going for the Real Compliment, just v charming. rip - jake and jeremy's danceoff lol hell yes and then jake just having Misunderstood the costume plan between him and christine lol - the squip getting in on the dancing :) go you funky little ai - jeremy and brooke singing that last verse of Halloween v enthusiastically at each other, - again that jeremy is just genuinely glad to see michael.... - the inherent intimacy of singing mitb b/c your bff dumped you..... - AGTIKBI REPRISE..... ;______________________________; hhhhuouuuoh my god :'3 the lil detail that at the Height of things christine is Shy and turns away.....just. This Scene oh my god - soft in a vulnerable way like, rip to jenna where we're seeing chloe's Lack Of Enthusiasm in accepting a call from her :[ - the Shift at the start of the pants song :] - and the lil mitb reprise during said pants song lmao, also always having a great time w/this concept of "maybe this teen having a rough time needs some guidance from someone grown w/all that bonus maturity here" - i wish there was a way i could help everyone but i don't know how so i guess i'll just do theatre..... - jenna being Moved simply being asked for the first time ever How She Is u_u then her being like "....Okay!" lmfao jenna's great - just have to say in whatever context i'm v fond of pitiful children there at the end lmfao the bass kicks in like that and we're having a great time - the audience always having that response to "all the way to broadway" - jeremy going "you came to see me in the play? :)" like, that he's processing the significance of that in the middle of these Very Raised Stakes - i'm soft for will roland's vocal glitching mouth noises live every night!!! - jeremy like "ha! >:)" flipping his squip off after he's successfully Apologized lmfaoooo love him - but then having that real And I'm Stronger Than You Think I Am victory like :'| - that michael's been by like a ton btw during jeremy's probably somewhat concerning coma. also cherish the lil dance he does while they're celebrating mr. heere's bepantsedness - jake and jeremy sharing a Dab - and just the Popular Kids actively seeking him out to help re: christine b/c they just Want To Be Supportive.....very nice - this vimh interlude or whatever with christine and jeremy like jlsdfhh i think of this all the time - me and the voices in my head have made up our collective mind ;__; what do they say we should do ;______; and the Woohoo! ;_______________; - huoughh kiss and you KNOW especially the [jeremy spinning away in sheer enthusiasm] of 2.0 just KILLS THE MAN ;O; - jeremy not missing a beat despite the squip's interruption leeet's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - the more than survive na na na na na na na na na na na's but they're all So, and jeremy ending With everyone but also there with Himself and it's so Good and Everything Wants What Vimh Has!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hhrough ;0; - that jason does that spin at curtain call w/his excellent squip costume... - that in virtually any given curtain call when they get into line together there's that lil ritual of george smacking will's ass lmao love languages

i mean tl;dr quite Same in that like, most likely to inspire tearing up over something or other includes agtikbi reprise and vimh which is just like, again any finale wants what it has, and the I Guess A Part Of Me bit of the non-reprise agtikbi like Oof augh this is so cute, and lgw always Gets me, and while i was rewatching speaking of being soft and move-able i was also just continually struck with delight over various moments throughout, and noticing little details for the first time thank god. just Vulnerable the whole time

[countessofbiscuit]

What are your Bobasoka headcanons? I've already gone through all of the (criminally little) fic on ao3 and I especially loved Smothered and Covered, and I saw the majority of the fics in the tag were gifted to you so I'm assuming you're the OG shipper. Feel free to essay if you like!!

Thanks for the ask and kind words about that fic :3 

Oh, Bobasoka … where to begin? It’s a pairing that’s been bumping around in exchange requests for a few years — I figure it’d be easy for anyone invested in Ahsoka’s relationship with the clones to be compelled by the idea. Lledra used to draw Boba and Ahsoka interacting, and it was probably a few panels of their incredible Destinies comic that set my Bobasoka wheels turning. I’m also drawn to them because their journeys traverse so much canon; there’s not just a sandbox to play in, but a whole goddamn stretch of beach, stretching far out into the horizon ...  (#AhsokaLives #BobaSurvived :D)

I have to lead with the proviso that almost everything I write/daydream about/headcanon has a groundsheet of Rexsoka. Ahsoka’s interest in Boba, in my head, is intimately tied up with her attraction to and/or relationship with Rex — or, at the bare minimum, her intimate fellowship with the clones. She went through puberty (maybe with heats!) surrounded by a literal army of handsome, roughly college-aged dudes; that must’ve been a heady mix of heaven and hell. If she didn’t quench her thirst before war’s end and her (eventual) separation from Rex, she’d probably be pretty dehydrated when stumbling across Boba. As for Boba’s attraction to Ahsoka, well ... she’s very pretty, she’s potentially useful, she’s not likely to skewer him in his sleep (+2) on account of being a Jedi (-1), and now she’s the one down on her luck; if he falls in bed with anyone, why not this girl who isn’t afraid of him and stares a lot at his lips?                         

And Boba is like a hot shipping potato — satisfying, hard to fuck up, goes well (read: makes for an intriguing story) with almost everyone. And I think it has everything to do with his liminality, something he shares with Ahsoka and probably recognizes.          

Their neither-this-nor-that-ness overlap in such interesting ways, and they each bring their identity issues to the table — Ahsoka as an on-again, off-again Jedi; Boba as a clone who isn’t a Clone™, a Mandalorian by birth and bearing, but not by the book. At different points in their stories, they identify as different things, and that would affect their headspace and color their view of the other. They wrestle with themselves and each other. Force-user and bounty hunter; privileged topsider and orphaned juvenile delinquent fugitive; GAR commander and outcast clone; Jedi and Mandalorian; Disillusioned veteran and disaffected army brat; Rebellion agent and Imperial contractor.

And as much conflict is baked into these dynamics, it also generates a certain magnetism; and I believe they recognize, on some level, their shared trauma and the symmetry in their experiences. Boba and Ahsoka both have happy childhoods with very little to distress or vex them (beyond the art, I do not jive with Age of Republic: Jango Fett, a Disney-canon comic that not only doubles-down on the Jango-wasn’t-Mando nonsense, but shows him being rather cavalier about Boba’s life); Geonosis happens and their adolescent lives are dominated by war (which is how they came to actively threaten each other as space!secondary-schoolers — whaaaaatf!); they are both dubiously (even wrongfully) imprisoned; and they both suffer alienation and incredible personal loss.  

Boba was set apart from the clones before he was even pulled him from the jar, othered and elevated from the beginning. He never bonded with brothers, he does not identify as a clone. And while there are examples of clones making overtures to him, canonically his relationship with them is fraught and probably made worse when he gets banged up in Republic Central at the tender age of eleven or twelve — and of course, Ahsoka is an accessory to this, the second chapter in his tragedy at the hands of the Jedi. He needed help (whether he wanted it or not), it was not given by clones or Jedi alike (hamstrung by bureaucracy, sure, but surely some other means of intervention might have been lobbied for?), and Boba becomes a right teenage disaster, well-balanced only in the sense that he has a chip on both shoulders.

(n.b. Putting my RepComm hat on for a second, I can’t help but sniffle-laugh at the idea that the Alphas watched him get thrown in a maximum-security slammer and were like “Ah, there he is, the feral vod’ika. First time, we’ll let the little snot earn his stripes. Second time, we’ll bust him out and send him on a tough love retreat with A’den or Jaing.”)

Ahsoka, meanwhile, is part-and-parcel of the institutions that Boba sets himself against, even after she too has been cast out by circumstances beyond her control. She grows up in a supportive Jedi community and then spends some seriously formative years with a whole slew of brothers — brothers that should have been Boba’s! 

Boba, on the other hand, is a great example of the proverb that a child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. (As he tells Hondo, “Why should I help anybody? I’ve got no one.”) 

The resentment that must create! But also, later, the quiet empathy too — maybe when Boba’s having one of his better days and Ahsoka’s obviously not. 

And all of the above is interesting enough, without also touching upon the wildcard that is Mandalore.

Boba’s relationship with Mandalore .... well, that’s contested in- and out-of-universe and I won’t allow myself to essay overmuch. I subscribe firmly to a Mandalorian Fetts construction of canon, even though Boba must be someone who struggles mightily with Mandalorian identity. He’s raised by a bona fide Mando, a solicitous, loving father who’d have no reason not to pass on his language and beliefs; but at the same time, it takes that village, and when Boba’s clan of two is shattered, he has no one else. The loss of his dad unmoors him from his only anchor to Mandalorian culture and clan.

If Boba had been close to the Cuy’val Dar, one would think he’d have turned to them rather than fall in with Jango’s criminal acquaintances; or maybe the bounty hunters just scooped him up first, and troubled lil’ Boba was shepherded through bereavement by folks who enabled and encouraged him to externalize his anger in a way that gave him a (false) feeling of agency and strength. 

Whatever the reasons, Boba does not repatriate himself to Mandalore (much to Fenn Shysa’s melodramatic dismay). He strikes me as a lapsed Mandalorian; he doesn’t exactly follow the creed besides wearing the armor (scavenged? his dad’s sans helmet? canon is confused on this point, but he doesn’t go Mando until the unfinished arcs at the end of TCW, either for lack of stature, lack of armor, or lack of enthusiasm). I feel like if someone rocked up to Boba in a cantina and had the balls to ask “hey, so you a Mandalorian?” Boba would be like “<ominously slow helmet tilt> who’s asking” and never give you a straight answer.

Meanwhile, Ahsoka gets a crash course on Mandalore from none other than someone who, at one point, belonged to a sect that wanted to expunge Jaster’s legacy from the galaxy — and at the very least, had reason to dislike clones. This isn’t the place to explore my Boba/Bo-Katan feelings, but know that they are fathomless, and I would pay good money to be a fly on the wall of that Kom’rk when Bo-Katan gives Ahsoka Mando History 101 with her own special sauce. Ahsoka is probably more up-to-speed on Mandalore than Boba, and at one point, she may even own more beskar than him! (n.b. After the crash, I think one of the first places Rex and Ahsoka bounce is just inside Mando space, to scope out the Sundari situation and maybe try to scramble a signal to Bo-Katan; she’d have the goodwill to at least get them back on their feet if she can’t help them lay low herself. For a variety of reasons worth maybe ficcing down the line, they aren’t successful.)

I don’t really have a concluding statement except, I just think Bobasoka’s neat :) They hit all my depressed-Millennial buttons.

Headcanon by bullet-point isn’t really my style, but this is tumblr so ... tl;dr:

They recognize a lot in each other, even if they’re slow to admit it, if ever. Boba’s a cagey bastard and Ahsoka doesn’t ever like him enough to be emotionally honest.

They bump into each other during Ahsoka’s walkabout(s) ‘cause Coruscant’s Underworld ain’t big enough for the two of them. Without Slave-1, Boba couchsurfs at Nyx Okami’s garage, but he does his laundry at Rafa’s. He might even borrow the Martez’s new, useful friend for a job or two. 

Ahsoka eventually matures enough to be sensitive about her use of the Force on and around clones, and she definitely doesn’t use it around Boba. Definitely not during sex.

Boba is privately weirded out every time Ahsoka uses Mando slang she picked up off the clones or the Nite Owls.

Boba absolutely kills Cad Bane in that shoot-out, keeps the hat, and lets Ahsoka have it. She shoves it out the airlock and uses it for target practice. 

So many great smut flavours! Hatesex. Acquaintances with benefits. “You’re traumatized and touch-starved and you look just like him/them, and I know how to be gentle and what to do, so maybe we could … ?” They’re both privately comfortable with their bodies and sexuality, but Boba’s got trust issues a parsec long and Ahsoka’s lost confidence; it’s always an awkward affair, but desperation wins out.

They exchange comm codes every time they run into each other, which is kind of pointless because they both use burners.

Ahsoka hitches a ride on Slave-1 more than once. There really is only one bed, so it’s either sleep upright, sleep in a pokey prisoner hold, or sleep with him.

For a few years, Boba can pass as a last-generation clone — the ones that got sold off in bulk units to slavers before Kamino sunk another three years’ food, board, and training into them. Boba pretends he doesn’t notice, easy to really, since he tells himself his helmet is his face. But occasionally, when Ahsoka can convince him there’s profit in it, he agrees to play sleeper agent and assists in liberating a few here and there. 

They don’t talk about Aurra Sing.

When an Imp really crosses him, Boba passes on intel to Ahsoka to ruin their day.

Once, when they’re both super skint, Ahsoka volunteers to get handed in to some relatively minor and out-of-the-way Imperial garrison, so Boba can collect, bust her out, and split the pot with her. It’s the closest she ever comes to telling him “I trust you” — and when he brushes the idea aside, citing something about risk, it’s the closest he ever comes to telling her “I love you.”

Boba sees Inquisitors as muscling in on his game. There are so many lousy Force-users around nowadays, it should be easy pickings, but Inquisitors get privileged information. So he makes sport out of misdirecting them, especially from Ahsoka. 

When he pisses her off, Ahsoka fantasizes about Bo-Katan taking Boba down a peg or two while she watches :)))

Boba experienced Ahsoka’s heat once, secondhand through a cabin wall. He thought he was being clever by shooting Rex up with some Nevoota stim pollen, locking him in with Ahsoka, and hijacking their locked ships. Longest three days of his life, limping on broken hyperdrives and shared fuel stores to the nearest waystation to a soundtrack of violent lovemaking : \

Bounty hunters invariably bump into spies and agents because they work in the same areas. The agents pretend to be bounty hunters, eccentric business people, sex workers, or a range of other things. Sometimes each party knows all about the other, but it’s only polite not to mention it. This happens to Ahsoka and Boba A LOT, especially once she becomes Fulcrum; rebel cells and Imperials often want the same people. Occasionally they exchange fire. A couple times Boba gets imprisoned in Ahsoka’s own brig. Once, Boba blows her cover and definitely lives to regret it. 

(this essay was originally punctuated with pics, but replies with images won’t show up tumblr tags so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) 

[sansmooches]

ateez and crushes / ‘99 line + jongho

how they experience crushes 

‘98 line version here

yunho 

the realization isn’t earth-shattering for him

like seonghwa, i believe yunho is pretty solid in his feelings and wouldn’t think about it too much

it’s simple, really - he just has so much fun with you

and he thinks you’re so cute and goofy but also thoughtful

he starts to notice how he always scans the room to see if you’re in there (and feels his heart droop a little when you’re not)

eavesdrops on conversations if he hears your name mentioned

remembers to grab your favorite if he’s buying snacks

(when yeosang points out how he always buys two drinks yunho hits him with the “oh i’m just ...really thirsty” and smiles a lil)

(and everyone just thinks “yeah you’re THIRSTY alright”)

looooves to tease you, randomly poke you, pull lightly at your hair, show you things online that made him laugh. you’re his best friend

he’s way too content with the way things are to confess, or put his feelings into words

why change, or risk, a good thing?

oh he wants you to be his, officially, for sure. but he’s in no rush. right now all he’s asking for is more time with you

yeosang

yeosangie is an observer. his crush comes about exactly that way - through him just watching, silently getting to know you

you probably mostly hung out together in groups, and that’s where he thrives... bc he gets to lovingly roast you in front of an audience. (and honestly he’d be a little nervous if it were just the two of you)

but you never took it personally and that’s what made you grow fonder to him. 

one day you’re all hanging out and everything’s business-as-usual when suddenly he looks at you a little harder and thinks to himself...

“oh no. y/n looks really good today”

and that opens up the door for the potential in his mind of something more between the two of you

he’ll wanna learn everything there is to know about you

and if that doesn’t make his interest obvious to everyone, idk what will

but his tactic is deny, deny, deny!!!!! 

his crush is SO fkn obvious but he’s literally the king of playing coy and it’ll drive everyone crazy INCLUDING YOU bc why won’t he just admit it??!??

will flirt to his heart’s content but i think he’d be one of the least likely to confess... there’s no crackin this guy. sry :/

san

the development of san’s feelings requires give and take.

i can see him getting a crush on somebody who takes the time to appreciate him and everything he brings to the table

while simultaneously making him feel needed

so he probably became more attracted the more you gassed him up, praised him, looked ONLY at him.. if you’re both chatting with a group of people he’ll mostly be making eye contact w you the whole time

not that he’s vain!!!! do not misunderstand me! 

it’s just that san’s the type to be constantly making sure the people around him feel welcome and comfortable in his presence and he’d want someone to do the same for him. i think it’s all about balance for him

would probably beam internally if you singled him out to help with your dance practice :)

would alllllwaaaays be showing off for you. and would be so aware of your presence even if you weren’t paying attention to each other

i think he’d only confess if he was fairly certain that you felt the same way too. he’s a sensitive boy ok

mingi

ok this is gonna sound bad at first but hear me out: mingi’s a leo, and leos are visual creatures...

the first time he saw you it nearly made his heart leap out of his chest because you are SO his type

a smiley, giggley bumbling idiot around you....just cannot get over how pretty you are. so pretty it makes him dumb

will wanna look good for you always

isn’t usually the type to care about his appearance but like if he hears you’re coming over in 10 minutes and he’s not ready and bare-faced and his room’s a pig pen and he hasn’t brushed his hair he’ll FLIP 

screams at the other members “THERES NO TIME!!lkkkdk@ PICK +UP YOUR SHIT!!!!!! IS THERE ANYTHING STUCK IN MY TEETH???” big dramatic baby

would take the plunge even if he had no idea whether you felt the same or not, and confess in a really cheesy (but charming) way

(it may even be in public and you’ll wanna die from embarrassment but you’re also too happy to care)

would be REALLY sad and embarrassed if you said no... so don’t!!!!!

wooyoung

woo’s crush would manifest itself to the point where y’all become a couple but you don’t even realize it tbh

it’ll only come to the surface for him once you’ve reached a point in your friendship where you’re so comfortable w each other 

the type to flirt platonically until all of a sudden it’s like uh wait do we mean it?? 

the once innocent flirting seems a lot more loaded now... a lot more intentional, emotionally charged

may give you whiplash from how quickly things change, almost overnight.

i think he’d eventually put everything out on the table - how he feels about you, what he wants - it’d almost be like “take it or leave it”

i’m not trying to make him seem like a player cause i don’t think he is at all! but he is impatient, and he knows what he wants. and what he wants is you binch!!! (i love you, bitch, i aint ever gonna stop loving you.... bitch)

so yeah he’d confess randomly and you’d be like shocked pikachu face

jongho

jong is a tough one tbh.

he’s one of the more mature members and i think that’d translate into how he’d approach his feelings for someone

i also think he’d be overwhelmed by those feelings too.

so he’d probably hide how he really felt from you for awhile, so he had some time to reflect on it, and get used to it, because it’s a big deal to him. i don’t think he’d take crushes lightly

he’d still be his charming, sweet self - he’d constantly dote on you, would love hearing about the events of your day, make you feel special..

but he still wouldn’t be afraid to debate with you or challenge you

his feelings would grow the more you reciprocated and got to know him. he’d really feed on that energy

i believe he’d be more likely to confess than the majority of his members, and more confident in himself, because it’s something important to him

he’d be the most likely to want to do one-on-one things with you... they wouldn’t be outright DATES, but he wouldn’t pretend otherwise either. he’d make sure you knew what his intentions were

jongho is a whole ass man tbh

[ambitionsource]

Any Asher Lucas head canons I really love their friendship?

hello anon i am back as promised with the second half of answers to the lucasher asks i got a handful of weeks ago!! seeing as its the tail end of asher’s appreciation day, i am here to deliver on discussing their friendship

so to start, i would say that marking dylan as an outlier and not to be counted (especially on asher’s end), both of them would without a doubt call the other their best friend. asher flexes a bit on this, as jade is also arguably his bestie, but for lucas there’s absolutely no contest. asher is his best friend -- he even said so in 209, which took a lot of emotional vulnerability for him to manage to verbalize -- and that title really means something to him.

to that point, though, i think it took the events of s2 for that to really cement. as we know, lucas has issues with connecting with + trusting others, and so he kind of keeps people at arm’s length. i think asher has always been a bit of an exception to this rule (which i’ll explain in a bit), but lucas was mentally able to still keep him removed emotionally in his mind bc he was like... you know, his inferior in rank / his lieutenant rather than an equal. i don’t mean that he like thought of asher as inferior, because he doesn’t -- lucas hates himself so he thinks everyone is better than him anyway lmao, but he’s also had a lot of respect for asher -- but there was able to be this... mental barrier in his head, if that makes sense. but when asher finally stood up to him, multiple times (in 207 with their argument and then in 208 when he Truly put his foot down and basically walked out of his life), that put them on equal footing on all levels and broke that barrier in his brain. and, thusly, is part of the reason lucas was suddenly able to articulate it in the following ep

but, on that note, one thing that i think makes them such good friends is that they’re both very like... not mushy. at least, not with each other. they both don’t mind side-stepping more complicated emotions and just assuming things are unspoken but understood, but are getting better at knowing the moments where something should be said

but they’re like equally weird about the same stuff, like they both don’t like birthdays + being paid attention to on their bday bc they don’t know how to process it (sans the exception of dylan, who of course asher will allow to be extra on his birthday), so they will straight up just like not tell each other happy birthday on their bdays and people are like doesn’t that upset you?? did he forget?? and they’re like no actually lucas / asher is my favorite person bc he ignores my birthday fDSJLFKGSJKGLJSGL like... they’re so fucking weird

asher is constantly trying to improve lucas’s fashion sense + design sensibility and it does not work. like nothing sticks. asher will spend an hour casually (but actually very intently) telling lucas about the nuances in color between shades and then later when he asks him a question about which shade of red they should use in the set design lucas goes “idk they look the same to me just pick one” and asher is like. bitch ur jokin... it’s lowkey funny that he keeps trying tho like lmao

so in terms of asher being slightly different than others even early on, the way this most manifests is that i think for whatever reason, asher feels safe to lucas. its an inexplicable thing, and something i dont think lucas even really realizes consciously. but he starts their friendship being like oh i’m gonna protect asher the strong must protect the sweet this lame nerd needs me, but then what it actually ends up being is more that lucas needed asher. like yes he gets asher to loosen up and let out more of his authentic self, but asher gave lucas a friendship to anchor to, someone who seemed to genuinely like him not because he was reckless or cool but just because of who he is. and even when he fucked up, asher still seemed to believe he could be better / saw him as more than that, and lucas had never had anyone in his life before like that, let alone someone where it felt that way (i.e. dylan also sees lucas that way especially now, but something about asher just made it so pointedly clear)

and how this ends up changing things is that lucas finds that like... he wants to talk to asher. he wants to be real with him, not put up the defensive, aloof façade. so you have lucas going to convince him to sneak out freshman and sophomore year so they could hang out just the two of them (a thing featured briefly in the “younger” sequence in 208), and those were the moments where he got in those conversations. and asher liked those nights too because they made him feel special, like all the people lucas could choose to hang out with and he chose him to bother and coax out into the night... for a kid like asher, younger than everyone else and an anxious mess and nerdy and he knows it, that’s like. the craziest thing ever. so those one-on-one hangouts meant a lot to both of them, though for different reasons

what’s nice too is that their friendship definitely matured and grew with them the longer it lasted, because there was an element of hero worship on asher’s end and almost belittling underestimation on lucas’s end when their dynamic started, but then it grew organically past that. and when they actually got to know one another, for all their complexities, it made them better friends. and now those misconceptions are long gone, but they still hold a lot of respect for one another.

also to this point, i do not remember if i’ve said this yet on the blog or not but so major point here -- asher was actually lucas’s first (and only, pre-riley) crush. being demisexual, he has to form a deep emotional connection with someone before he really falls for them (riley being semi the exception to this because even though he didn’t really fall for her until they became friends from the get-go he was like okay so she pretty....... whatever tho idc like uh huh sure lucas). and like late in freshman year, maybe even early that summer, lucas and asher had become pretty good friends and were spending a lot of nights hanging out together and talking, and one of those nights they were talking about something semi-serious, and lucas was just looking at him and just realized like wow hm i could kiss asher... and then he was like WAIT HUH?!?!?!?!?!?! cause he’d NEVER had thoughts like that before and suddenly he was having them about his best friend, and that best friend was dating his other good friend and it just FREAKED him out he was like HELLO BAD WEIRD WRONG??? so he stifled that deep down and lowkey ignored asher for like two weeks until it passed -- which of course made asher worried he did something wrong or pissed him off, but thankfully that passed without much commentary or further discussion. lucas has mostly forgotten about it now.

that being said, if you ever told asher he was lucas’s first crush, he would never ever believe you.

they really enjoy discussing / debating each other, especially since lucas is truly equally as clever as asher, but it’s a really careful line because one wrong comment from either of them can send them tipping into actual argument bc they’re also very good at pushing each other’s buttons. this is why dylan’s presence is extremely helpful at keeping them balanced.

and this is kind of a key trait to their best friendship, which is that they make awesome best friends, but my god they would make TERRIBLE romantic partners. they cannot communicate when it really matters (especially about stuff that makes them embarrassed like romance, which they can barely do with their actual partners); they push each other’s buttons; they love each other’s flaws as friends but would drive each other crazy as lovers. like the people they’re with for love are exactly the people they need, understanding, soft, patient, and good at communicating. if lucas and asher dated, they would kill each other within the first week.

one of the first times dylan, asher, and lucas really hung out as a trio involved “wilding” asher, which meant dressing him like lucas and getting him to be more reckless and freewheeling for an afternoon. they didn’t do anything crazy, but lucas let asher borrow one of his t-shirts and snapbacks for the occasion. asher still has both buried in his closet, mainly because he keeps forgetting about it but also because there’s a sentimentality to them. not that he would ever ever wear them again -- yuck. asher would rather vomit

it should not be understated that the first people lucas verbally said i love you to were asher and dylan. it’s important. don’t ever forget it.

-- Maggie

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

Who will send a search team to find ZZX personnality ? No but seriously, does he even exist outside JY anymore or did OX decide to use him as background decor as a tree without any agentivity lmao (half serious half joke ask !! But i would like your opinion about how zzx has been treated recently-ish, because i feel like more and more hes just reacting to jy actions and i really like your inputs !!)

Good evening, dear anon-san!

I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my two cents on things. Sorry, it took me so long to get to your ask, but I decided to take a few days off for the holidays. Thank you for your patience! Also, thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s interesting to compare our notes on this because on some level I agree with you.

I’ll divide my answer into talking about Zhan Zheng Xi’s personality and then about his role in the recent-ish story.

“to find ZZX personnality [...] does he even exist outside JY anymore”

I would say ZZX definitely has a strong personality. It’s just different compared to the other boys in their little quartet. He doesn’t have the dangerous and mysterious bad-boy charisma of He Tian, the misunderstood delinquent background of Mo Guan Shan and the emotional walls that have come with that, or the obliviously indiscreet and immature (albeit brave and endearing) mouth of Jian Yi. Compared to those guys, ZZX tends to station himself in the background when in the same room and take the role of an observer. But I think he most definitely has a strong and stable presence. Perhaps, it’s that stability that kind of blends him into the background. 

You were wondering if ZZX even exists outside of JY anymore - and I can’t really blame you for that - but I think ZZX’s personality comes out the best when you observe him outside of JY. For that, though, you would have to go a long way back in the comic which is probably why it seems like he’s not visible enough these days.

On the search of ZZX’s personality, three things come into mind: his relationship with Zhan Zi Qian, how he handled turning down Xiao Hui’s confession, and how he was able to become friends with MGS after their fight that could have ended very badly for ZZX.

ZZX is very protective of JY and tries to keep him out of trouble by being a voice of reason. But he acts very gently, patient and protective towards his little sister, too. For a teenage boy, he also seems to be quite close to his family in general. (ch. 87, 128, 159. 189, 232, and 262):

ZZX clearly has a soft spot for his sister and patiently indulges her quite a lot. He seems to understand her age and takes it into consideration when she’s being needy. I think that shows a high level of maturity on his part and the capability of understanding others on an emotional level. He might not be as patient and gentle with JY but I think the way ZZX acts around his family is an important hint of what kind of friend and future partner he is to JY. In their relationship, there’s a strong rhetoric of “promise” - ZZX’s promise to always protect JY and a promise to always be in each other’s lives - but this same idea of life-long promises seems to apply to his relationship with ZZQ, too. That adds a thick layer of loyalty to ZZX’s personality. It’s something that comes naturally to him.

Secondly, I think ZZX’s emotional maturity makes him a surprisingly empathetic person. A good example of that I would say is the big mess of Xiao Hui’s love letter and how ZZX handled it (ch. 158 and 159):

I talked about this moment in one of my earlier answers. The way ZZX comforted both his clearly upset best friend and someone who had made him so upset shows that ZZX can put himself in other people’s shoes emotionally and see things from their opposing perspectives. He understood both of their reactions to the situation and, perhaps even more impressively, was able to defuse it. He didn’t give JY a reason to feel insecure or that he was somehow alone without ZZX’s support in the matter. But he also was very gentle with XH and treated her feelings with seriousness despite turning them down.

Thirdly, ZZX doesn’t seem the kind that holds grudges. Instead of wanting nothing to do with MGS after their fight - like most of us would most probably have felt like - he let bygones be bygones with surprising ease (ch. 149, 150, and 248):

He wanted a little payback but in the end, was the only one who didn’t go through with it. He also seemed to think MGS wasn’t a bad person despite everything which might, once again, speak volumes of his capability of understanding others and their situations. He would always stand up for JY and come between JY and anyone threatening him. But perhaps he was also willing to understand MGS wasn’t fighting because he was a bad person. He had a reputation to uphold, and losing in front of his own crew wasn’t an option.

ZZX and MGS don’t share a lot of panels just the two of them but whenever they do, ZZX treats MGS with a level of silent neutrality that seems to unnerve MGS who isn’t probably used to it. Especially, by someone who would have a right to be hostile and resentful towards him. These days I’m glad that they seem to somewhat bond over both being responsible in their own ways. ZZX’s silent calm seems to rub off on MGS whenever they’re left alone.

It’s hard to separate ZZX entirely from JY, but I think those three instances tell quite a lot of ZZX even though they’re not completely “outside of JY”. Most of ZZX’s character development has to do with JY. He’s matured and stabilized even more alongside his quest of becoming someone who could protect JY.

“i would like your opinion about how zzx has been treated recently-ish, because i feel like more and more hes just reacting to jy actions”

I don’t know where you draw the line of “recently-ish” but personally, I kind of put it somewhere around when he “leveled up” after JY was taken by the man who wanted to use JY was a way to get in contact with Mr. Jian. I think a lot happened in ZZX’s head between his frantic reunion with JY (ch. 198)

and when he showed up to play basketball with them that one night (ch. 204):

I think JY’s kidnapping had been a wakeup call of sorts for ZZX. Naturally, it had startled him because he had just come close to losing his best friend (whom he had promised to protect, no less) but it had also made him realize all the things left unsaid between them. Not only was there plenty of life for them to experience together but also ZZX had very recently discovered a completely new side to their relationship that JY had kept inside himself all these years.

I have always seen ZZX’s “leveling up” and confronting JY about his feelings as him reaching his resolve when it came to this new development of their relationship. He realized that as JY’s protector he needed to more serious about it and JY was someone who couldn’t be replaced in more ways than one. And after that, his character has been more or less living up to that resolution and finding his ground regarding the fact that JY’s romantic feelings weren’t unrequited anymore and that the distance between them was shifting (ch. 215, 220, 238, 247, 253, 259, 268, 285, 287, 297, 303):

After “leveling up”, ZZX’s character development has somewhat stagnated and become more subtle and harder to detect. It also hasn’t “helped” that Zhanyi, in general, has taken a backseat to the story. But if you think about it, it also kind of makes sense. I wouldn’t mind seeing more Zhanyi and ZZX content in the comic but I also get why Tianshan (and MGS and HT’s characters) needed quite a lot of “screen time” to develop. It also seems the difference in focus has started to level out recently.

So, I wouldn’t say ZZX isn’t appreciated in the story or that OldXian has somehow forgotten about him. It’s just that ZZX has found his place and status in the story. And him silently sticking to what he had started is in character for him. I’ve always seen ZZX as someone who makes his decisions based on what he’s ready to commit to on the long haul. That makes him a stable enough character to be left comfortably in the background when the focus is shifted.

I think ZZX has his moments of being the agent occasionally: when he’s at a crossroads. That’s when he makes those long-haul decisions and takes certain directions. It’s just been a while since he’s been in that situation. When it comes to Zhanyi, though, I see JY more as the driving force. He seems to take the initiative more often and is generally pushier about things. ZZX is onboard with it but after making his decision about the new direction of their relationship, I think he’s more comfortable with letting things progress at their own pace and letting JY take the lead. (While setting his limits, of course.) I think it will be those bold advances of JY that will also drive ZZX’s character development and ultimately strengthen his resolve and the path he chose to follow.

Overall I share your desire to see more of ZZX on his own. I would love to take more peeks into his mind in a more serious way. I wish to see more of his thoughts, memories, and feelings directly from himself. I miss his “voice”. His character has personality, but I wouldn’t mind him having more layers.

Thank you for your thoughts and questions, dear anon-san! And definitely for your patience! I hope my answer was worth the wait.

[ferie-anon]

Hello. I saw doing it for someone else so I thought maybe you could do it for me too. Can you analyze my chart and tell me who would I get on well with from ateez I am Sun-Gemini,moon- Capricorn,mercury-cancer,Venus-Gemini,mars-taurus,Jupiter-virgo,pluto-Scorpio,Uranus/Neptune-Capricorn,Saturn-Aquarius

I’ll just do sun, moon, mercury, venus, and mars ^_^ Gemini sun and capricorn moon, you are quick-witted yet dilligent, there’s a strong disposition within your mentality, and you can make for a very executive systematic person. Your sun gemini can have many ideas and impulse, while your capricorn moon is able to put forth your thoughts and processes into action. Your mercury is in cancer, and these natives may have a emotional expressive tone to them, that others may feel inclined to easily communicate with them. Combined with your sun gem and moon cap, you may convey yourself as intuitive and sensitive, your cap moon may make you cut down to the chase/blunt so your cancer mercury may convey this thought, sometimes capriciously. Your venus is in gemini, you look/are attracted to those who bring adventure or new interesting things to your life. Gemini venus ppl value talking and getting to know their partner/close friends deeply, they also want an intriguing partner in these aspects, someone that can grasp their attention all the time through communicative smooth ways. Lastly, your mars is in taurus. Taurus mars are people who are very stable in their approaches for their goals, never seaying they have a resolute feel to them about their aspirations, patient and enduring. Temperament-wise, taurus mars rarely get mad as they manage to stay calm by suppressing or enduring emotions, and can push for their thoughts better than some, ex: when they have something to say they will initiate it, though it won’t be in a flashy/dramatic way. And taurus is a fixed sign, having it in the mars can create a stubborn attitude towards the world and actions/execution, in a good and bad way.

In Ateez.... your match is san!

San is compatible not only cuz “he’s literally the member that stands out or catches people’s interest” with a lot of reasons atinies are aware of lol. His dancing and expressiveness of music and passion visible, San’s personality and overall feel of music and emotions are conveyed as a bright ray of sunshine peaking through with full force but sometimes will form clouds to shield you from the blinding rays. San is naturally caring, loves to give affection to his close ones, and overall has an understanding nature within him. He is a cancer sun, and I think he would match well with your personality, or maybe the word is balance or fill out what you need/lack. You as a gemini sun and cap moon, internally yearn for someone to love them when in the romantic aspect, to understand them or someone that shares their warmth with you. With his cancer sun, he is easily able to interpret emotions by feel, so even if you try to mask your sadness or emotions, San will just know. At first meeting, San thinks you’re intelligent and mature, admiration was soon followed by curiousity and something more. You were just someone who wants to be figured out or found out, and curiousity embellished in both of you guys, an inner connection is formed.

San’s moon is in taurus, similarly both of you guys have a calm demeanor. San with his placement, may feel easier to assert his thoughts and actions at his own pace/conditions, yet taurus moon sometimes dislike stepping out of his comfort zone. Whereas, you feel it is easier to assert your actions and goals when you decide to do so/set your mind to it. You both have a realistic attitude, yet the difference remains in how each of you projects it. San with his taurus moon, may project his realistic nature in a more down to earth way or digestable way, something like “life will always have obstacles or you can’t always avoid everything,” is how San may convey his mindset to others and himself and then put his motivation forward to work through it. I think with capricorn moon(you) are a bit more blunt about it, like you may know the responsibilities and prioritize the important stuff to you, yet I think you may be harsher about it towards yourself. It’s sorta like capricorn moons just had to deal with it or knew they had to deal with responsibilities, so I feel like you may have that suppressed thought of naturally forced to take on responsibility without mentally prepared, professional attitude born out of a survival instinct. San can be a pillar of support, someone to tell you that you don’t have to push yourself too hard, or maybe there for you after a long day or a stressful moment. A moment where you could feel vulnerable, without having to shelter your emotions. You two would have a healthy mental chemistry together.

His mercury is in... leo~ People with this placement have a sunny disposition or very energetic way of communicating, sorta like ppl with infectious smiles that causes others to smile along, similarly San could cheer up anyone or make them laugh with his humor and words. Or just by being himself, San :P. Your mercury is in cancer, and I think you two would be endearing and passionate when communicating, well it’s more of San being super hyper every time with you, but his hyperness and energy puts your cancer mercury to comfort or relaxed when talking with him. I think particularly you need someone that is similar but a bit opposite of your form of communication. Ex: bright enthusiasm/willing to listen and actively engage with your thoughts/conversations is wut appeals to you. Leo mercuries are sorta the opposite of mellowness, yet they may seem more open or less distant so it allows others to feel less awkward. Your warm communication with San’s vivid/artistic communication get along well, you both appreciate each other and listen intently. San would be your cheerleader, while you could be his caretaker 🐥.

San’s venus is in leo! Leo venuses love with their HEART. Most leo venuses love gifting their partner, or just really showers with love for them. They usually compliment them a lot or always with them seeking attention, loyally cuddly. Your gemini venus feels intrigued by San’s lovable ways and creative romantic ways. Leo venuses always has something to surprise their s/o with, and it’s usually very touching and romantic. Your gemini venus feels always in a rosy atmosphere with San’s leo venus ^^. You both have similar needs in a relationship, genuine feelings and communications/connecting. Leo venuses dislike fake admiration and love, and gemini venus people don’t want people that shut off communciation from them. San can provide you with the attention and conversations any day, each time with sparkling eyes and heart eyes during an engaging convo. San also appreciates you being real, willing to talk about things deeply and your affection shown through your words, you both feel a mutual chemistry and genuine adoration towards each other within this aspect. I feel like you both would be the couple video games/games, while San’s half playing the console and half hugging you and you’re beating him in the game at the same time lol.

Next up, his mars is in scorpio. San is determined, goal driven with passion for the things he loves to do/interests. It also shows in his attitude towards initiating his motives, scorpio mars allows him to be more assertive and have a keen sense of what he desires and executes it. Scorpio mars people are actually quite selfless/would do a lot for their partner once in love, like once you have their trust they put their faith in you. Your taurus mars similarly values loyalty and trust, someone to stay and have faith in you as well as be faithful. You both would bond easily, desiring and fulfilling each other’s values, and retain similar mindsets as both scorpio and taurus are fixed signs aka adept at being stable and pursuing the goals/ideas/opinions of themselves. In this aspect, trust really is important and inhabited here.

Overall, I think you two have an uncanny connection, whether emotionally or in a physical action, there seems to be a mutual comprehension of each other present here. Unsaid thoughts and emotions left interpreted by the other, you two sorta feel like lost birds that found their nest. Probs the couple everyone admires at their chemistry and love. Ppl would envy the natural and just pleasant pure affectionate look you two give off when interacting~

[whyamistillwatchingtheseshows]

How do I outline TharnType ep8? Let’s break it down by favorite parts and least favorite parts. If you want to know. Then you gotta click the keep reading button.

The lunch Type had with friends:  By far the most favorite part of the episode. Techno is listing off numerous things that make Tharn so great and says, “You’re lucky of course.” And that cheeky little smile when he says, “Yes I am.” Okay, Type dial it down, but don't. Also, I almost thought for a minute he was going to give in and tell them. I kept saying, “Yes, babe, do it tell them you’re dating and this is why you’re so quickly coming to his defense when they’re mocking him as the typical rich person.” 

Of course, Type doesn’t, but I still think it’s nice to see how he’s reacting like a boyfriend, like someone in relationship. The cutesy smiles and glowing eyes. 

The birthday gift: When Tharn finds his birthday gift from Type. You know the one. I cackled. Such a pretty box and I don't know what the fuck I expected to be inside. Certainly wasn’t condoms. Then it makes sense. I get it, Type. You’re the gift. Let’s add in here that bit when Type gets back and Tharn’s waiting on the bed. “You’re not going to eat me.” “Try me.” Haha, I was like wait, is this pure fan fiction gold? Type, he is going to eat you. I’ve had him eat you in some fics. This bit…also let’s add here that the eating could SWITCH. Forgive me for this, but if Tharn thinks Type has athletic stamina in the positions their in now, just imagine the switch. 

Band Practice: Who is Tharn’s friend? I just spaced his name, but the one who deserves kudos for saying, “Tharn I’m your friend you got a problem let’s talk” at their band practice. And as @bldreamer messaged me, what the fuck was with that shirt? NONE OF THIS IS HAPPY. This fucking sucks. This part was a mixture of feeling Tharn’s emotions and then being like oh hey thanks for cheering me up for a moment friend. 

Want to guess what my least favorite part boils down to? Don't make me say his name. Fine, I know his name (the fuck I just think of that song The Boy is Mine). It (nearly) applies to the situation except for the fact I didn’t get Type yelling, “I’ve had enough. The boy is mine!” right in San’s face. 

RED FLAG: I basically liked him when he was 14. So yeah, I was 16-17 at the time. Young too, but I’m 21-22 still talking about him when he was 14 like those were his prime years. 

Tharn just turned 19 you were at the fucking birthday party taking the seat of someone who regrets not being there now. No matter how long you’ve known him, thinking that 14 year old him was the best of the best- NO THANKS. I swear he’s on about it because it’s probably the only time they slept together and the next two years left an emotionally distraught Tharn figuring himself out (he came out at 16). As @lostinbl said San had seniority and he took advantage of that. There was major manipulation to get to the point of “boning him in the band room” as Tharn’s brother put it.  Speaking of the devil, anyone else wish that Thorn would’ve just punched San and said stay the fuck away from my little brother? Then I realize San is the type of guy who has everybody wrapped around his finger with sick mind games. That type of person that can somehow make you feel guilty for something that is his fault. The type of person who makes up every reason for why you should do something for him and why you should show him some respect. Adding here from a comment made by @iliketoomanythingzhelp where they explain from the novel [and I’m paraphrasing] that San and Tharn loved each other but Tharn didn’t like bottoming so it was sex once and then they went their separate ways...Tharn has made it clear that it’s not romantic feeling, but as we can see in the show San is still thinking *coughs red flag* romantically. It’s a sticky situation all around because of how young they were. What I don’t understand is how it was so uncomfortable for Tharn to be like nope never being a bottom again...? Can it be that bad (revealing how little I actually know about sex)? It’s just it was THAT UNCOMFORTABLE? 

Let’s backtrack to the boys’ fighting. While Type is clearly misunderstanding, unaware and stubbornly not realizing Tharn’s view on the matter, I will say this: his emotions are still valid. Type does not understand jealousy in the way that Tharn does. Tharn has been through relationships, hookups etc he knows what jealousy looks like. Type is frankly just being possessive with a back splash of jealousy, because he doesn’t understand that emotion, let alone how to process that. Let’s picture Type in a boat. Then imagine an emotion hitting him, especially now an emotion about or towards Tharn. That boat is going to sink and then suddenly that boy is going to feel like he’s drowning. The biggest takeaway is that after he FINALLY listened to Tharn he fucking realized and tried to correct his mistake. Although, I see with the preview that Type is being a vindictive little shit just how Wayo was towards Pha in 2Moons2 when he asked Park to that movie. Aw, since it’s the same actor, I thought of Kom. Ugh. That’s still in the wind! 

Let’s wrap this mother up! Given the episode 9 preview Type has little chance to try and now get to know Tharn. First of all, I wished he’d have punched San and not Tharn. (Read post at the link too. That explains all the things I felt about Type this episode) So, yes, okay. I get it. You had a very mature conversation the night before about San and the two of you apologized. You go out to get breakfast and come back to see them kissing? This is where that aggression kicks in and Type’s full sprint ahead, apparently, blaming it on Tharn, when for me it clearly looked like San grabbed his face without asking and kissed him. This is why I blinked several times after I saw the preview. You know what would make it worse? If Tharn took the punch for San. Barf. Bleh. I shit you not that thought makes me nauseous. 

It’s fine right here. Let’s end it here. There’s a red flag in play and I don't like it.

[a-cai-jpg]

I feel like this is to assure myself and no one else.

It has recently come to my attention that real people actually read this blog. 

That sounds a little stupid, given that I religiously advertise it on both Snapchat and Instagram, but there was a part of me that assumed it would fly over the heads of most (see: all) people. And it's inherently contradictory, but I did not think a Real Person would take time out of their lives to read my utterly irrelevant musings.

I am terribly grateful to my friends and then some for deeming me important enough to click into this site. I am thankful for their validation when they don't just do it silently, lurking amidst the sans serif. One quoted my own words back at me in ALL CAPS, another sent me a video zooming in on my disgruntled face on the sidebar, and more mention it casually in passing conversation, jolting me into the reality that yes, this is A Thing.

But as I laid in bed and typed up the post two days ago, I'm suddenly reminded of why I rarely made my writing public.

I sound like an ungrateful little shit, and I'm truly happy whenever someone mentions The Thing (i just don't like the word blog), and I want to share The Thing with the world because it's a little scary thinking about how all your time and effort and words and emotion could be lost somewhere in the void, like an unread letter that's wandered off the post-trail, but.

Writing digs into the most vulnerable flesh of your heart and mind. I recently saw a quote, "We are writers, my love. We don't cry, We bleed on paper." And there are variations of this quote from others: "I don't think all writers are sad. I think it's the other way around: all sad people write;" "I didn't write it down to build a poem. I wrote it down because that is what I do with the things that unravel me. I drag them across a page."

I don't mean for this to take a maudlin turn, but writing is a salve for aches in the soul. I'm by no means a writer, but I like to think I write (s/o to my soulmate, jackson wang, who said, "i'm not a rapper...i just rap). And sometimes, sharing what I've "dragged across the page" is turning my skin inside out.

I'm definitely more comfortable with sharing my vulnerability through words on a sheet of paper (or words on a WordPad document) than through words spoken to another Real Person. 

In my junior year of high school, I sat in a hotel room in Sacramento with words stuck behind my clenched teeth. It was the most peculiar feeling, like if I loosened my jaw, I would vomit the words from my chest and they would tumble off the bedsheets and onto the floor, staining the hotel carpet. But the tension never snapped, and I scrawled them onto a torn sheet of paper instead.

Even now, I express the deepest parts of my emotions through letters. I think a large part of it is because I don't want to see the emotions unfold on someone's face. It's not that I don't want to see them, but I don't think I--this emotionally constipated individual--am capable of responding to them in a way that's not, "Uh. Yeah. Okay. Lol bye." And I feel like that's just not appropriate or sufficient in some circumstances. Better to just avoid the potentially awkward situation.

(yes this is not the most mature way to deal with emotions but spare me the lecture.)

And so, when I am writing, and not saying words at someone's face, I pull out the most intimate intricacies of my heart and twist them into phrases and sentences. And I like to do it without a filter.

But when I was writing these past few days, I was conscious of an audience. I began crafting sentences through the lens of what would this specific person think of this and oh my god what if this person reads this and fuck it ok just kidding we can't just fuck it sos. It was a dangerous balance between editing and re-editing and declaring, "Fuck the world, I write for me, and I'm going to write recklessly and with abandon."

This the main crux of the problem: there is me, the person that you know and talk to and maybe have grown up with, and then there is me, the person who spits words out onto The Thing. And sometimes the two me's mesh perfectly like a pattern overlaid on another to produce an image, and sometimes they don't. 

It's kind of like when you go clubbing with a childhood friend for the first time, and you've only known them as the youth group-going, favorite child of all Asian parents, and then y'all are in the club and damn okay they just took seven shots in a row. 

(I'm not speaking from personal experience.)

There is a moment of reckoning when you try to reconcile two facets of a person.

(Or maybe this is a me problem, but bear with me here.)

A few months ago, I took a trip with two of my closest friends to San Diego, to visit the college town where one of them spent four incredibly formative years. It was fun and beautiful and very, very disorienting, because in my egocentric point of view, I had forgotten that we lived these four years separately. Suddenly, he was introducing to me a different life, a different history that I wasn't part of, and I couldn't help but feel like I was sitting in the passenger seat of a stranger's car, listening to a crude imitation of a familiar playlist.

The feeling began somewhere on the 5 freeway, when he navigated the unfamiliar lanes with a practiced ease, and swelled as the sun set and he told stories about Mount Soledad and him and his friends.

And it was weird, because I felt like an intruder, even though I had been invited into his memories, and the unease took shape as silence and stilted words until he asked, "Are you okay? You seem weird." And the feeling was spilling onto the back of my hands as I gripped the skirt of my dress, but I couldn't beat it into words, so I unclenched my fists and fastened my seatbelt and choked out a, "Nah, I'm just tired."

I think I'm still in the process of working through this reckoning. It doesn't happen for all of my friends, and it's not always so discomforting. Sometimes, I scroll through Instagram pages with a sort of curious hunger to fill the years I’ve missed, and other times, I take the new information, file it as: Yeah okay, I could've predicted that. But then, there are the times where I can only search someone's face in silence, lump in my throat as I rewind our histories and try to find where one of them snagged and became out of sync.

The different facets of the self should, all in all, unveil the most authentic self. The more you get to know a person, the more you really know a person. I imagine it like you're building a three-dimensional sculpture, and with each new piece of information, you add another bit of plaster to it. Yet, I sometimes lose sight of what I'm trying to build, and when I see the blueprint again, I realize I've veered wildly off course. It's scary, every time I run into a moment like this, because it's like the person I knew, the friend I've had for a decade, was actually just someone I created in my mind, a person who overlapped at the edges with the Real Person, but ultimately, were not the same. And when the illusion disappears, I'm left with a stranger.

I'm exaggerating, but.

I'm a little scared this is what you will feel as you read this. I'm scared there will be no separation between the writer and the writing, and although writing reveals the deepest, most intimate parts of a person, is it really the authentic self? It's only a slice, a slice I had cut with carefully chosen words.

So I want to assure you, if you are someone like me who thinks they view the world on a wide-angle lens but really, only through a slit, and you are someone like me who reels when the cover is yanked away and you're left staggering through the new vista, that every sentence is a part of me, but who you know and who you talk to and who you message is a larger piece of me. And maybe we will never get to know each other fully, because that kind of privilege is saved for but a few, that doesn't make either of us any less authentic.

I sometimes wonder what character development looks like in the real world. When I was a sophomore in high school, I cringed so hard when my favorite English teacher tried to use my essay as an example in class that he almost immediately pulled it out from underneath the Elmo projector and used someone else's. In freshman year of college, I wanted to join a creative writing club, but after realizing that I wouldn't be able to submit my work for peer-editing anonymously, I banished that notion. Yet, for some reason, in my senior year, I decided I wanted to take a fiction writing course. On the day of my first workshop, my hands shook so much that I had to sit on them to stop trembling.

In the beginning of the class, I, myself, had a very difficult time separating the writing from the writer. I think especially in an intro class, students use facets of their own life to create fiction. I think even advanced writers do the same, because ultimately everything you write is you. And I did my fair share of speculation--why did she write about a sibling rivalry does she have a sister, hey did this guy study abroad in hong kong with you because he wrote about that, and huh i wonder if she grew up in florida this is beautiful.

It's the kind of speculation we do with the Greats. Did Shakespeare write Hamlet for his son, Hamnet? Who was Sonnet 18 written for? Was Shakespeare gay? Because see, in this one bit, he wrote.....

(i was a very bored AP lit student ok)

It's the same kind of speculation my friend did when she finished listening to a new song by Crush and said, "Oh, he must be dating." Or the speculation all the YouTube comments had when Jon Cozart and Dodie Clark released duo songs titled "Tourist: A Love Song from Paris" and "a non love song from nashville." It's the kind of speculation you do when you are given a slice of someone's soul, and suddenly, you want to understand the whole thing.

But that kind of scrutiny is uncomfortable. We're okay with doing it to Shakespeare, because the dude's dead. We're okay with doing it to big name artists because hello, Crush is not going to hear my friend talking about him. We're less okay with doing it in the public realm of YouTube comments because they are read by the content creators who explicitly said, "pls don't speculate." We are even less okay with doing it to our peers, and we are not okay with other people doing it to us. Okay, maybe I should just speak for myself.

My trajectory in that fiction writing class was backward. My first story was about a white male living in New Jersey. My last story was about a Chinese American woman who used to live in the suburbs of Los Angeles.

It wasn't planned.

It's as if my subconsciousness drew up barriers the minute I stepped into that classroom, and wrote a story as far removed from who I am as possible. 

Because really, who is going to think that the gas jockey with a hunger for divine power is me?

(sike.)

But I guess character development is becoming okay with vulnerability and with potential speculation, and as I wrote, I began writing closer and closer to the heart, pulling the words from the east coast to the west.

When the last workshop rolled around, I was calm, sitting at one of those awful, plasticky chairs with tiny, useless desks attached to one arm. I was neither defensive nor uncomfortable, like I thought I would be, just at peace and humbled as I listened to my classmates discuss the craft of my writing.

And I think that's the ultimate lesson: once you write something, or create something, and release out into the wild, it no longer belongs to you. It's an argument I used to make in my art history class, but it's an argument that John Green often makes when his readers ask him about the meaning behind his books.

I don't quite mean it like he does, when he says, "Books belong to their readers." I think that before the writing is consumed by the reader, it is its own entity, existing independently of both writers and readers. And when it is eventually taken up by the reader, the writer shouldn't feel a sense of possessiveness or vulnerability or fear about the content.

And shit, that really fucks up my other thing about trees falling in forests but anyways.

There are a load of other things I have to consider when suddenly, the dumb spools of thoughts in my brain become free content for the Internet. Like, privacy rights? Am I allowed to talk about this one thing my unnamed friend said, but wait, you can definitely tell who it is, oh fuuuuuu-. At what point is it oversharing? Do I get to decide the line between okay and TMI, or does me declaring that I am writing this for myself mean there is no line?

But, in the end, I just want to say thank you.

I’m really used to, as I’m sure many people are, presenting just one facet of my whole self to people. Every individual has a number of different roles, and each role comes with its own set of rules and norms. The sociological part of me says that this discomfort I’m feeling has a lot to do with the breaking down of norms. There is a certain playbook people go by when they lower their barriers, but this circumvents that.

And honestly, maybe I’m just thinking too much into it and all of this is for naught, but it was cathartic writing this all out, even if I had to take two very lengthy breaks to get my thoughts in order.

(just kidding, one of them was to watch Kingdom season 1).

There are so many things I am grateful for, and I fear that in the past week, I have been battling bad vibes and have forgotten how incredibly privileged I am.

So, here is List 16 of The 52 List Project (that my friend made me start legit in 2016 and I'm still on list 17)

List 16: List your Essentials 1. Family & Friends ✔ 2. Affirmation & Love ✔ 3. Achievement ✔ 4. Happiness ✔ 5. Hope & Dreams ✔ 6. Phone ✔ 7. ID/Card holder ✔ 8. Plush blankets ✔ 9. Stuffed animals ✔ (so many!) 10. Inspiration from a boy on skates ✔ (see: hope & legacy) 11. Good music ✔ (i gotchu fam, here's ur r&b fix) 12. Good books ✔ (go check out a book)  13. Good conversations ✔ 14. Thoughts ✔ 15. Creativity ✔ 16. Music ✔ 17. Possibilities ✔

[maxmcyfield]

Percy Yeom’s ‘Blooming Warmth’ Is a Beautiful Ode to Love & Self-Growth

The actress and musician’s first full English effort masterfully meshes R&B and indie pop for a deeply personal record

by Will Zhang  / October 5th 2020

When you put what is considered Percy Yeom’s two English projects together, they absolutely do not make sense. 2017′s And Again EP is a valiant, but lacking modern power pop try. While it produced Top 40 hits and adequately utilized the San Franciso-born singer’s k-pop trained stage presence, it was sadly quite empty. Manufactured at worst, and falling short at best. It’s nothing like Blooming Warmth, with it’s often mellow but powerful declarations of trust and understanding oneself. An authentic record where Yeom lays it all out into her music, giving us peeks into her usually private life. 

If anything, Blooming Warmth is very much a sequel to her extremely successful Korean album from last year. Other than the fact her latest album dips more into English in terms of the lyrics, everything else pairs wonderfully. Sonically, thematically, and stylistically, this new 12-track long album grows and develops on every aspect of 2019′s Woven Blue but never lacks the same genuineness of sentiment. 

“It bloomed while I wasn’t aware / And often hurt our relationship / But it’s probably going to make us stronger” Percy Yeom sings earnestly in Korean for the album’s first track, ‘Maybe It’s Not Our Fault’ (also the Korean single). What at first may seem like a song to take back a beloved ex-lover, is actually a letter of gentle self-forgiveness. Realizing where one has lost themselves and then trying to bring themselves back together. Reflecting oneself on to the metaphor of what may seem like an ex-lover also happens in ‘Mr. gloomy’ and ‘See You Again’. ‘I Don’t Know (2019 ver.)’ is an bare, acoustic redux of a track of the same name from Woven Blue, but with a much more singer-songwriter inclination (especially since it lacks the feature from Korean rapper, Cer The Garden). The song only features Yeom’s vocals and an electric guitar playing melodies, perfectly encapsulating how confusing but necessary it is to understand ones own reaches and that it’s okay to keep questioning your growth. 

Throughout the two albums, she addresses her one lover, “Blue”, and while it has never been confirmed to who this Blue is, recent events of months past seem to have confirmed that it’s Yeom’s husband and late night show host, Dylan Thakur. Love oozes especially out of the leading single, ‘Square (2019)’. Whilst love is anything but a new topic to croon about, the stylish, more modern-leaning R&B hint in the song is more than enough to keep you bouncing. She belts rather crude lyrics like “C’mon let’s go to bed / we’re gonna rock the night away” - but it’s sang so earnestly that it shows a real truth to their love, how her lover knows exactly what they need to do to relieve her anxieties. ‘Popo (How deep is our love)’ - a calm, jazzy tune enhanced by it’s use of horns - and ‘lovelovelove’ - a true blue piano-led slow building ballad - are songs that echo this, the ease of being in love once you give yourself fully to it. ‘Bunny’ is the closest to a mainstream pop song this album will get to with it’s synths and light drum beats, but it brings a unique perspective in it’s lyrics about “ownership” in love and how it takes time for true love and faith to be developed.

Her soft, lofty vocals carry the project as much as the beautiful, threadbare, and almost atmospheric production does. Her unique color gives a quiet power to her belting where it never hurts to listen to as much as it pulls your attention in during the quieter, whisper-y moments. ‘can i be u’ benefits from the latter, as Yeom just croons for the whole song, bringing full attention to the way she so painfully wants to be someone stronger. ‘Rest’ and ‘See You Again’ highlight her vocals in the way she quietly ebbs and flows with falsetto-ed high notes and nearly vocal fry-quality low notes. There’s even a surprising shift in vocal color in ‘True lover’, where she effortlessly emulates Amy Winehouse to sing about how the deceased musician has inspired her musically. 

The album trudges at a middling pace: it never goes faster or slower than it needs to go. It’s a strength as much as it’s a weakness where if you don’t go into this with full intention to listen and appreciate, it’ll blend into a trope of coffee shop idleness. Easy to listen to, but could never appreciated enough to be truly understood or analyzed if there’s no intention behind it. 

All in all, Blooming Warmth is mature and reflective, showing real growth from the anxieties of love and self shown in Woven Blue. It’s an announcement that she’s learned to love herself and heal even if she still has to live through permanent damage. That she is worthy of real love, and that that unconditional love has helped her bloom in self and in being a lover. The music is unique with it’s minimalist approach, putting most of the concentration on her vocals and what she has to say. It’s never hard to listen to, though it may be overwhelming once one understands or latches on their own understanding to the tracks of this emotionally-driven but carefully crafted album. 

[tyranttortoise]

so... I had some pretty bad experience with a Red in another timeline a few years back. Plenty psychological and emotional trauma, plus just general disrespect even though we were soul mates. Most of the problems was just because I was younger and less mature. I was REALLY expecting when I took your quiz like... a mutt, or a undertale sans and then I get another fell boy. all i could think was "hell no." Can they even deal with the fact that their SO was once with another version of themselves?

@sinningpunk  ;D

Once a soul mate, always a soul mate, right?

You don’t know why you expected anything different – anything less than the cosmos playing a cruel joke on you.  You’d left that timeline behind with more than a few emotional scars; it had taken you reaching your limit to realize that just because you were soul mates didn’t mean you had to put up with his shit.  But you’d gotten out.  You moved on, put him behind you.  

And then you met Sans.

Oh, hell no.

As much as you tried to avoid him, it was inevitable.  You were both drawn to each other.  It was easy enough for you to avoid the burn in your chest, to pretend it was mere heart-burn, but it was much more difficult for him.  You knew it would be like that; you knew that he couldn’t pass up the pull of a soulmate, the promise of something solid.  This is a Fell timeline, after all, and the kill or be killed mentality left him craving stability and certainty underneath his gruff, flippant exterior.

You avoided him at first, but it was difficult to run from someone that knew all the right shortcuts.

“Just get lost, okay?  Can’t you see I’m not interested,” you spat one day with a little too much force.  Your chest burned.  

He furrowed his bone brows. 

“what’d i ever do t’ ya?  you don’t even know me.  i’ve jus’ been tryin’ ta introduce myself this whole time.”    

You actually laughed.  What did he do to you?  It’d take all day to explain what he did to you.  “I already know who you are.”

He looks surprised.  “my reputation’s spread to humans?  heh, didn’t see that happenin’ so soon.  still.  name’s sans.”  He holds out his hand.  You know there’s an electric buzzer in it, and you don’t take it.  It hangs between the two of you for a beat before he finally blurts, irritated, “what?  skeletons weird ya out?”

“Nope.  I was with one for a long time.  I learned my lesson.”

You rub your chest as Sans’s SOUL burns with jealousy.

He’s persistent.

You discover that this Sans is as tenacious as the one you left behind.  But even though he looks the same – same jacket, same gold fang, same yellow socks and untied sneakers – you discover that he’s also quite different.  For one, his smirk is more genuine, and on the rare occasion when you catch him off-guard with a pun (you have years of experience with them, after all), his guffaw leaves him looking unguarded and laid-back.  

He makes plenty of dirty jokes, and although he has a penchant for being in the right place at the right time whenever it comes to stumbling across you, he hasn’t been manipulative in the same way that the other Sans was.  His approach hasn’t even been the same.  

So you take him up on a drink.

And later dinner.

Then more drinks.

And before you know it, it’s become a regular thing.  You’ve missed this, as much as you hate to admit it.  It feels almost like the early stages of your previous relationship, only you can’t tell if the red flags are real or just you equating him to his other-self.  His brother isn’t even as much of a hardass, and instead of the stuttering fear you’re used to, Sans just gave him a “yeah, yeah, you got it, boss” when Papyrus lectured him.  

Yes, this version was quite different.  Even if they looked the same, you discovered even more differences later.  This Sans’s ribs didn’t have quite as many ossifications, and he didn’t mind when you touched his collar.  He also had a few piercings that… surprised you.

Pleasantly surprised you.

Years ago, you studied anatomy for a single purpose – you wanted to be able to learn all the bones so you could make your bonefriend happy.

This is something the Sanses have in common, it turns out.  

“stars, sweetheart, where’d ya learn–”

The question gets cut off.  When you had first started dating, Sans had hounded you over the fact that you said you’d been with another skeleton.  He’d never seen a skeleton other than him and his brother, and he knew Papyrus had never been with anyone.  You refused to tell him any details other than the fact that it was an emotionally-abusive relationship and the skeleton’s name was Red.  He scoffed at the name, calling it dumb (*who th’ hell has a color as a name), and you decided not to tell him it was a nickname.  

But now, faced with the fact that you’re very much familiar with skeleton anatomy and which bone is sensitive where, you can see the gears turning in his head.  His grin falters, and he leans back, running a hand over his face.  Bone scrapes bone, and you wince a little.  This is where he’s going to change, where he’s going to make some sort of quip and get possessive, where he’s going to remind you that you’re his soulmate, that no one else would have you, and –

“ya really loved this guy, huh?”

You didn’t expect that.

You’re quiet for a moment, but he’s been fairly open with you so far about his past.  “Yeah,” you finally manage.  He flinches. “We were… uh, we were… soulmates.”

His hand falls from his face.  His crimson eyelights are so tiny that you can barely notice them in his sockets.  “what?  but – but you’re… we’re…”

He’s floundering; he’s never said the words aloud, didn’t even realize you knew that monster soulmates were a thing.  “Yeah, I know.  We’re soulmates, too.”  

“ya knew?  then how’s that possible?  one soulmate’s rare.  findin’ two so close together, an’ both of ‘em bein’ skeletons… how the hell?!”

You should tell him the truth.  You’ve been with him long enough to discover that he and his counterpart may be the same, but they also couldn’t be more different.  And you’ve really started to fall for him.    

But will he still want to pursue this after you tell him about the other timeline?  

Only one way to find out.

You suck in a deep breath. 

“It’s possible because… it was you.”

His expression goes blank, and the past spills out of you in a rush.  

It had been threatening to overflow for too long.

Sans, to his credit, takes the news better than you expected.  He listens while you speak, though he does light up cigarette after cigarette in his room.  Papyrus will have his ass later, but he can’t be bothered with caring right now.  

So, your previous bonefriend, the one that treated you like dirt and made you give him the cold shoulder for an entire month – the one that you still got a sour look on your face when you talked about – was him from another timeline.  The whole timeline-hopping thing aside, the idea that some other version of him treated his own soulmate like that?  

*what a fuckin’ idiot!

Everything made so much sense.  He knew why you shunned him, why it took so long to break down your defenses.  He knew why you gave him such a guarded look at times, and why you sometimes hesitated before you said spoke, like you already knew how he was going to react – and why you seemed so surprised by how he actually reacted.  

When you finally finished, he was calm.  Eerily calm.  

You, on the other hand, couldn’t stop fidgeting or even meet his gaze.

Finally, he broke the heavy silence.  “ya know i’m not him, right?”

“Yeah,” you breathed, trying to steady your voice.  “I wouldn’t be with you if you were.”

“good.  ‘cause that me?  he was a damned fool.”  Sans reached out and wrapped his arms around you, guiding you onto his lap.  His hold on you was tight, trembling with a desperation that belied his steady baritone.  “i would never… you mean too much to me, ya’know?  sweetheart, i jus’ want you t’be happy.”

You swallow past the lump in your throat.  Your eyes feel hot.  “So… you’re not too weirded out by it?”

“hell yeah, ‘m weirded out.  but that don’t change anythin’, not really, ‘cause that wasn’t me.”  He pulls back and moves to cup your face in his hands.  “as long as you see me when ya look right here, that’s all i care about.”

“Sans, I do.  You’re nothing like him, and I know that.”  You cup his cheek.  He looks so vulnerable – more vulnerable than you’ve ever seen.  “I love you, Sans.”

His eyelights search your gaze for a moment, before relief washes over him.  “i love ya, too, sweetheart.  yer mine, ya got it?  that other asshole’s never comin’ back, an’ if he does break the timelines, i’ll kick his ass.”  He suddenly smirks.  “hell, kickin’ my own ass would be therapeutic an’ shit.”

You smile, feeling lighter than you have in so long.  The tension’s been cut between you, and Sans suddenly lifts you up, your legs around his waist.  You make a startled squeak and cling to him as he turns around and then falls onto his mattress, pinning you beneath him.  

His smirk’s taken on a whole new meaning.

“now that all that’s outta th’ way… where were we?”

(*Imagine Masterlist)