#especially with my tendency of making cats codependent on me

[traumafactory28]

If I ever become a detective and see that a victim has a cat, you bet your ass I'm going to check for its DNA/hair at/on crime scenes, cars, people,etc. Because I know that cats hair will be anywhere the victim has been since it's on their clothes almost all the time.

What? This case is cold because you couldn't find the victims dna is a car? Check for cat hair and cross reference with the one the victim has. Boom! Case solved!

[gothamslimpestwrist]

s1e2 selina kyle

killcount:

“doug” the childsnatcher: “soldier” (homeless guy)

oswald cobblepot: douchebag college bro from the car, probably the other douchebag college bro as well.

jim gordon: quillan’s janitor

“patti” the childsnatcher: cat scratch fever dude w/ no eyes

episode total: 5 total count: 12

the dark knight rises: shit is clearly fucked in gotham. crime families are ruling the city, yes, but honestly that’s the least of it; look at the police force. we see that bo, the first responder, is late to the scene of the crime because he takes protection money from a local restaurant & gave them first priority (in other words, he’s a crooked bitch demanding a racket, AND it gets in the way of him actually doing his job). the cops are pretty much, explicitly, just an extension of the mob at this point. 

interestingly, we also see the start of an exploration of the wayne’s corruption; falcone refers to “the wayne empire,” mirroring the way they talk about the crime families And Also setting the waynes up as, like, a picture of the wealthy elite taken to a whole ‘nother level. gotham is the last modern vestige of the city state--and that is the wayne empire. who takes the crown now that the emperor and empress are dead? 

in OTHER news, the waynes really fucked bruce over. the murder itself was the lynching pin, causing him to jump over the fucking edge, so to speak, but he is Just A Little Boy! he is so troubled! he’s self harming and alfred yells at him and HITS HIM for being stupid, he’s listening to loud music and drawing fucked up shit, he’s both burned himself and is apparently cutting, and alfred, seeing all of this, refuses to get the boy who saw his parents shot a therapist, because the waynes told him to essentially let bruce raise himself. “the children are thoroughbreds,” basically. 

quoth barbara (thinking about essen shushing the child snatcher case in fear of bad press): “i can’t believe the system is so corrupt.” quoth jim (thinking about how he was yelled at for not beating a perp, thinking about the cop/mob connection that demanded he kill a man to prove his loyalty, thinking...): “you have no idea.” 

oh! and jim tells bruce the kids need more than money to keep them safe.

sliding scale of barbara kean’s sanity: she seems to be doing alright, but she’s troubled by jim’s troubles. also, this episode sets up some shit that will lead to irreparable damage later on; jim, even when he’s telling her things, isn’t telling her everything. she knows it. she hates it. he specifically hasn’t told her about oswald, which gives her reason to believe he’s a murderer pretty soon. plus, what she does w/ the information he does give her about his work (go straight to the press) gives him immediate reason to start trusting her less... and so they spiral.

sliding scale of ed nygma’s sanity: he’s a little bit more of a lurker this episode. creeps outside the captain’s office until someone notices him, lingers inside until everyone in the room makes it obvious he’s not welcome. he’s trying his best, but he’s not... very... “well liked,” shall we say.

continuity: montoya and allen are looking into the murder of oswald cobblepot. he was their snitch, after all. so that’s problems... many things are subtly set up in this episode: falcone and fish discuss maroni and his anticipated power play (adding another piece to the political chessboard of this season), the atp drug the child snatchers use is established to have been developed for arkham asylum, which is also established to have been closed for the past 15 years AND to have recently been in the works for a reopening, specifically by thomas and martha wayne. and that’s all just offhanded discussion. also related to the atp, when ed is listing the only three places that still stock it, it’s quillan pharma, drakatech (?)... and welzyn, which isn’t relevant at all to THIS episode (quillan’s the one dealing with the childsnatchers) but WILL become relevant to everyone in a few episodes, when welzyn manufactures viper. oh, and naturally the identity of the man the childsnatchers are working for: the dollmaker. hm!! on a lighter note, harvey’s ex-white knight tendencies that we explore in spirit of the goat are foreshadowed here; essen accuses him of leaking the child snatchers story to the press, w/ the reasoning that he’d done it before. after jim & barbara established that it was the right thing to do....

parallels: jim & selina meet in this episode. they are... The Same™. (look, i’ll come back to it later, but even tho my parallel in the pilot was btwn selina and oswald, and even tho they’re the two that are the villain counterparts to our heroes, jim and SELINA are the matched set.) also, this is the episode where fish expresses the wish that penguin wasn’t dead (because she wants him to suffer), but also she tells jim & harvey that she knew it was a mistake to order them killed as soon as she did it. so that means something? 

neither here nor there, but gertrud tells montoya & allen how elegant and well dressed oswald is, and bruce comments on the orphans’ scruffy appearances and buys them new clothes... we love a dandy, i guess.

characterization: we meet some irrelevant street kids that selina knew; zeb, smoke, and mackey (corey in the house). i’m basically using the characterization tab as fanfic reference so i might as well record that.

lazlo, fish’s lover, is relevant, in that falcone beats him to get to her. it definitely does affect her, though she says she only keeps him around for exercise. maybe more b/c of falcone’s threat and the fear of what it implies, though. 

and gertrud! ozzie’s mom. everyone connected to oswald, even outside (maybe even especially outside) of his mob connections, is a little twisted. she’s no different; she’s clearly a bit out of her head, she mistrusts the police (which i guess we’re supposed to think is suss, though really...Fair and Just), she’s got that almost creepy codependency with oswald while not really knowing what’s going on there. (other examples: elijah, oswald’s gothic horror father, martin, oswald’s lowkey homicidal son, edward, oswald’s fascist dog, jim, oswald’s corrupt boyfriend...) she also seems to think oswald has run off with some painted lady (actually, she says painted slut), which might be indicative of her experiences w/ van dahl and some unstable jealousy more than it is of oswald, who’s... you know. 

in other news, jim is all over the map here. he stops harvey beating mackey (and later, quillan, after they’ve already gotten info out of him) and protests that they should leak the story to the press, but he also seems content to keep his mouth shut until barbara takes doing good upon herself. he adapts to the mob shit pretty quick, but expresses disgust w/ the corruption in the system. he gets off on the wrong foot w/ mayor james because he disagrees with locking up the kids w/o a trial, but he doesn’t... step in... either. we see this willingness to compromise and bend the knee that means he’ll never be the hero gotham deserves. 

also, not to be a jim apologist on main or anything (ha, ha), but he’s just so... brainwashed. all this, & he still tells alfred that being a cop, which has thus far caused him nothing but pain & misery, is the “best job in the world.” because he thinks he’s helping people. (and he likes getting to feel like a hero... so where do the misguided good intentions stop and the selfish motives begin?) he also kills a man for the first time on screen this episode because for all its examinations of dirty cops... gotham is still, at the end of the day, Copaganda. in an actual moment of me drinking I Love Jim Gordon juice, jim is the one who advocates for bruce going to therapy, and tries to convince him to go personally, even when jim himself is too emotionally stunted for it to help him. 

also, backstory: harvey pegs his love life, saying, “high school sweetheart, then a bunch of hoes (read: eduardo dorrance) overseas only made you sad... and then there’s barbara.” he also calls jim a monkey riding a race horse; jim’s face is really good @ that. i misinterpreted the line about high school sweethearts back in the day to mean that barb was jim’s highschool sweetheart. this is on account of auditory processing disorder and also general dumbassery. anyway, the point is that jim is a boring, predictable bitch! whom i love.

...in terms of characterization from the episode that i don’t agree with, i can’t really see oswald writing all the shit that they had on his conspiracy board, lmfao. “crybaby brucie,” “gordon=STOOGE,” & so forth. i pretend i do not see it.

[trainwreck-in-glitter]

A PSA ON MY PERSONAL JULES VAUGHN OPINION:

Since everyone in the euphoria fandom seems to have differing sometimes extreme views on Jules (particularly her affect on Rue’s mental health, as well as her messy feelings around both Rue and Anna). I thought I’d make a bb thread on my take of what we’ve seen of Jules this season. Keep reading for some spoliers.

Jules & The War With Conquering Femininity

since episode one jules entered as a very dynamic character, everything from her distinguished wardrobe gives her an almost commanding presence despite the innate softness she carries. Nate himself deciding to corner her publicly at a party explicitly saying “nobody that looks like you is minding their own fucking business” while getting up in her face. Jules grabs a kitchen knife before threatening Nate asking “do you want to fucking hurt me?” before she cuts her arm and holds it up almost like a flag? and declares “she’s fucking invincible.” with Nates fathers tapes at home, Nate has grown up with all the values of toxic masculinity engraved in him since birth, which definitely showed itself when he threatened to have her done for child pornography not long after cat fishing her all because she rejected him (MADDY S2 GIRL PLEASE)

Jules was initially falling for Nate as he catfished her, and one night getting particularly intoxicated she hallucinates Nate and her having violent sex with him in which she is in charge. This counters all of her assumed very concerning risqué hookups with older men, in which she is usually more submissive. In one episode she states “it’s like if I can conquer men I can conquer feminity.” Being sent to mental hospital temporarily at a young age for self harm and severe depression likely linked to her experiences of gender dysphoria before and after transitioning, it makes sense that through these unsafe hookups Jules is getting affirmation about her place in the world and in her own body when you take this into account. This also seems to put a hurdle in the road when it comes to her exploring her own queerness, which she begins to do at later episodes particularly one sexual experience with Anna in which she hallucinates Rue a fair portion of the time even saying “you remind me of my best friend” before they hooked up.

Rules relationship/mental health

Rue and Jules met after the initial party at you guessed it (another party, y’all I swear euphoria teens get out way more often then actual humans right? maybe I’m just sad-). Rue patched up Jules’ wound and they got high together , their faces covered in glitter and they dreamily gaze at each other in a tent. They are every arm linked never one without the other best friend pair in a matter of days, Rue herself becoming noticeably jealous when Jules was still invested in ‘Tyler’ the false persona Nate crafted in order to attract Jules online who to him is the ideal example of feminity according to his psychotic lengthy checklist (see below).

After nearly seeing Rue overdose on fentanyl Jules is noticeably distraught and just manages to croak out that she’s “experienced enough traumatic shit in her life.” and “isn’t trying to be best friends with someone who’s trying to kill themself”. she tells Rue she doesn’t want to be around her unless she stops using, and Rue agrees too quickly for an addict. Too desperately, so much so that her attachment to Jules is even compared to her addiction Rue saying “nothing on planet earth comes close to fentanyl, except Jules.” who is apparently a ‘close second’. and then they’re everywhere in smudged liquid liner on bikes, tucking each other’s hair behind their ears and coyly smiling while gays everywhere crow and wonder if they’re truly just friends.

poor mental health in general can make even small tasks or everyday life things feel like an overstimulation, Jules and Rue separately have and still do bear the weight of repressed sexuality/gender expression, addiction issues, manic and depressive episodes, self harm and more. when you add things like catfishing, toxic masculinity, teenage insecurity and puppy dog eye teen love feelings often get heightened and any negative experience can be rapidly blown out of proportion. It’s no secret euphoria is a show of extremes, as are all teenagers especially those struggling outside of growing up already. when rue gets caught up in a moment and kisses Jules who seems unsure how to respond, she finds herself moments later pounding her dealers door begging for anything to take her mind off of the present moment. Jules also finds herself getting uncharacteristically drunk on the Halloween episode at a party, just after dodging rues second attempt of a kiss. While intoxicated she kisses rue underwater, leaving rue confused and feeling completely used. It’s entirely possible Jules needed liquid courage to actually take the plunge, remember she isn’t used to any kind of equal relationship.

they finally mutually kiss sober in collapse of sliding memories of the early friendship, most of which they are intertwined in bed. they both frequently tell each other that they look “fucking amazing” and even get matching lip tattoos of enneagram of their names ‘rules’. To me Rue seems like every textbook teenager smitten, on edge and bashful around Jules seen when she asks her for dinner per her mums requests. They are everything we feel and see and experience in school hallways and night streets and body odour reeking school cafeterias, the innocent lack of subtlety and pure comfort. however they come with a side mix of intoxication, mental illness, personal identity issues and themes of codependency (per the rues sobriety ultimatum and rues repition of affirming “Jules is the best thing that’s happened to her in so long”.

with Lexi and others frequently commenting and or that alluding that Jules is responsible for Rue’s sobriety, Jules starts to visibly panic. her eyeliner becomes harsher and more ethereal yet at the same time more cutting around the time she starts to push herself away from Rue (a decision said to be deliberate by the makeup artist). Rue asks to go home with her one night to which Jules hesitantly agrees instead of declining, from Jules’ perspective it’s abundantly clear she’s feeling the pressure of keeping her ¿girlfriend'¿ alive. that impending guilt she’s feeling because she knows inevitably she will likely hurt rue somehow whether they drift apart, etc to me it’s clear she’s ready to run away from her unsaid role of caregiver.

rue asks Jules if she wants to just pack up and leave and live in the city with her soon after she confesses to being in love with both Anna and her. Whether this was an impulsive attempt at getting ins first by rue or just a testament of how much Jules’ could dictate her life. Rue begins having second thoughts and Jules ends up tearfully leaving on the train without her. so why the fuck did she leave then? the pressure? the crazy ass town? the love she didn’t want to fuck up? or did she just want someone who would get on the train for her? many questions, probably more than one answer. this scene aside jules remains my favourite, and I’m still needing a hug from her 🥺

Conclusion of S1 Jules Vaughn =

I personally believe Rue gets more understanding for her complex character as opposed to Jules, who actively struggled with her gender expression and navogating her own likes and needs while trying to engage in an intense level relationship with somebody who has self destructive tendencies has made some mistakes in said relationship. Similarly so has rue, because it’s too fucking easy to accidentally cross toxic borders in relationships. I believe that if pray hope Jules returns from the city it’s in an extended time, when both her and rue have had the hours and minutes they need to grow and understand their own afflictions more. Ultimately Jules is just trying to decipher her own feelings for rue still, the hookup with Anna was all part of addressing that. Ultimately Jules is still trying to decipher her feelings, but for me she’s the most relatable three dimensional character to be shown on television. perfectly capturing the beautiful messiness in maturing, and the naivety in love and heartbreak.

[things-un-spoken]

4/9/18

I’m writing this not really knowing where it’s going to go. I have lots of homework to do and I’m procrastinating as always, but I feel like I need to write. and cry. and write more. and listen to sad music. I’m such a weird person. 

I’m 23 now. and I really am starting to feel 23. I’m dating Marisa, who has two kids (5 & 6) and although we don’t see them all the time, I’m still a parent when we do see them. I pay all my own bills except for my phone bill (thanks Dad). I’m almost 2 years into my grad counseling program, and this coming August I will officially begin my internship at a substance use facility in Tampa. 

I can feel myself maturing in a lot of ways. I am less dependent of a person - I am coming into who I am going to be. however, there’s still this big empty gap in me, especially when I am alone. I can feel it gaping; I can feel myself reaching for something to fill the void. sex, food, anything that I can focus on to temporarily distract me from this empty feeling. is this something that is always going to be there? I’ve learned that relationships cannot fill the void. they make it a little smaller, as do friendships, but nothing takes away the emptiness I feel when I am alone. 

I am thankful for Marisa. I am thankful for her independence and her unwillingness to tolerate my dependency and codependency. I know this next year is going to be so busy and so important for my career, and with anyone else I’d be scared that my relationship would crumble. I know Marisa will be there though. And she will be understanding of my time. She will support me in the ways she knows how, even if at times I don’t feel like it’s enough. 

I am also thankful for my mom, who is now sober (due to some medical issues), and with whom I have a much better relationship with now. although I couldn’t talk to her about the deep dark things I have going on, I can talk to her about my day to day stressors and joys. I am thankful for my therapist, who helped me come to terms with my codependency, and who recommended that I attend an al-anon support group, which has been fantastic and eye-opening. she has provided me with a safe space to spill my thoughts, no matter how messy. my two closest friends at this point, JJ & Mason (formerly Marisa), have also proved surprisingly unwavering when I have let my crazy out to them. 

there’s a part of me that just will not let myself completely tear the walls down with people. my therapist is the closest person I’ve come to completely letting my walls down with, but I can’t even let go all the way. I feel safe with JJ and Mason and have shared a lot with them, but there is still something that prevents me from becoming completely vulnerable. maybe that is contributing to the void. I just don’t know how to tear it down. I’m there but I’m not there. I don’t know. 

I don’t feel overwhelmed with depression or anxiety. I have some sad days when I feel grey but overall I just feel disengaged. I am going through the motions of life with some success and from an outside perspective I’ve got a lot going for me. 

here are things I am happy about:

I am two years done with my graduate program & have one to go before I graduate and can really help people

I am in a relationship with a woman who is patient, low maintenance, and genuinely kind

I have a job I don’t hate as a server, and have good relationships with the people I work with

I have a developing relationship with my mom

I have one really good friend (JJ) who I know I can always confide in and who will always be there for me

I am helping to raise and create a good life for two really good kids

I have two cats who I absolutely adore 

I am working out a good amount which increases my confidence 

I am getting good at playing with makeup and feel confident in how I look with and without it

here are things I am stressed about:

money & the crazy amounts of loans I have to pay back upon graduation

eventually moving in with Marisa and having her kids more frequently

getting a full time job when Marisa only works full time & not being able to balance our schedules with our time together

my “void” & my tendency to reach out for temporary sexual relationships with people who are no good for me - or reach out for unhealthy food

my brother connor who is failing classes, smoking and selling weed, taking antidepressants, and refusing to talk to a therapist

my dad who I feel like could die any day due to bad health, and with whom I barely have any relationship 

my weight

my mom, who is handicapped, and almost never gets out of the house. I know she is depressed but trying to make the most of the situation

also here are some updates since I haven’t posted in almost two years:

I broke up with Emily pretty shortly after graduating in May 2016. We moved in together to an apartment downtown (which I LOVED) but I knew I was going to end it with her. while I was living there, I was talking to DJ and messing around with her, and I even slept with a guy from work in our bed one night when Emily was with family. we broke up while we were sitting at the pool one night. I think we both knew it was over, but we had to decide about logistics. how we were going to handle terminating the lease, and what to tell our friends, etc. It was uncomfortable, and she was justifiably mad. it was primarily one-sided. she still texted me from time to time for a while, but I haven’t heard from her in probably six months by this point. 

slept with a server at work who also trained me. he was incredibly attractive and I knew it would be a one night stand. he gave me herpes. I cut myself for the first time in a long time when I found out the news (and I haven't cut since). I had to tell marisa before we slept together, and thankfully she was very understanding. I did some research on herpes and found out that it was more common than I thought, and also treatable (but not curable). I haven’t had another outbreak since when I found out in August 2016, and as far as I know I have not passed it to Marisa. 

I started my grad program for counseling in august 2016. It’s been an amazing journey and I’ve learned sooooooo much, including things about myself. I am looking forward to being done but I am really going to miss this progress and the people it has led me to meet. 

I started dating marisa. we slept together a lot before we made it official in November 2016. she had some issues with being loyal early in our relationship. It has come a long way since then. I genuinely love her and for the most part trust her. we are required to have a more mature relationship because her kids are involved. she has been through a lot of shit, including both of her adoptive parents dying and being in two abusive marriages. she’s a tough cookie and I admire her a lot. 

my mom got really sick december of 2016. she was in hospitals for 3 or so months, detoxing and having hallucinations, etc. she was sober during this whole time. my dad blamed her sickness on a medication she was taking, but my parents denied her alcohol use to all her doctors. one night I was in the hospital over christmas time, and i took her doctor aside privately and told him about the alcohol use. he thanked me and said it was probably wernike’s enchephalopathy that they were seeing. my mom eventually got out of the hosptial, but seems to be permanently handicapped. can’t walk, has trouble speaking, but still is pretty mentally stable. I worry about her lonliness though. 

2017 was a pretty stable year. I focused mainly on school and work. Marisa and I had our ups and downs but overall stablized a lot. we celebrated our one year November 2017. we also met two really great brazilian friends who we spent a lot of time exploring with, but who moved back to brazil :( we still keep in contact as much as possible and hopefully we will be visiting them in a few months. 

I got to have my pre-practicum experience at a residental adolescent campus for teens with s/a problems. man, was that rewarding. I developed a love for working with adolescents and I hope I can work with them again one day. 

i began therapy once again and began attending an al-anon support group in town. I did a ton of work on myself both through therapy and classes at school. I have grown immeasurably this past year. I’ve developed so much more self-awareness & have learned new coping skills. 

marisa and i got to spend christmas with my family and her two kids. it was nothing short of amazing. the kids had a blast, my family was notably happier than previous years and everything worked out about as perfectly as it could have. we rented a car and drove both ways, which was tough, but a worthwhile experience. my parents really love the kids, and I know they will be sad if Marisa and I ever break up. my brothers also loved and bonded with the kids. it really was an amazing week and I hope we can do it again because everyone was so incredibly happy. 

it’s now 4 months into 2018 and things are going pretty well. marisa and I are a little distant but we are stable. her kids have really warmed up to me and even tell me they love me. I’m very settled into the routine of work and continue to make new friends there as new people start. I am over the weirdness with the guy who gave me herpes. JJ and I are very close and I really appreciate that relationship. I will begin my next prepracticum at a domestic violence shelter in a few weeks, then in august I will begin my real practicum. I hope this year continues to go well.