#even tho boston only pretends to think so high of himself

[gaym3bo1]

you know what? at least Nick KNOWS and readily ADMITS that he's a nasty little fuck

Boston acts so high and mighty; that's the difference.

[kittybellestark]

Okay I think Time Can Heal All, But Maybe Not This has been out long enough that I can actually talk about it

If you haven’t read TCHABMNT yet there’s gonna be some spoilers but you can find it here

EDIT: I forgot to talk about May bc I did this at night when I was really tired and my brain just wanted to talk about Peter ig, that is my absolute bad so I added that in everything else is the same tho

So obvs y’all know I had troubles with getting it published here and there’s still been some struggles but I wanna actually talk about the story.

So I started writing it a few months ago but only got 7 paragraphs in before not knowing where to bring the story. Originally the line “And Peter is terrified” was supposed to end that paragraph.

After that the fic was going to be all fluff and Harley and Tony trying to reassure Peter that his insecurities aren’t going to come to fruition.

But then I had a bad day. And the story had been sitting in my drafts forever. So I figured out how to continue the story.

Make Peter feel alone.

I had to keep the snap canon because otherwise there’s be no other plausible way for all of Peter’s family to just ditch him and for Flash and Peter to become friends.

I had to make it so that everyone in Peter’s life moved on without him.

So May moved to Italy and has a boyfriend who Peter assumes will be her husband by the time he’s 20, she has her dream job and is doing what she loves.

She moved out to Italy to forget Peter. It was for selfish reasons, she lost everything in her life, her husband, his family (Peter’s parents), her parents had died years prior and now Peter is also dead. She’s left alone and she doesn’t know what to do. So May moves to Italy to forget Peter and forget the pain and grief she feels. She doesn’t want to remember him.

By trying to forget she finds a new life. She’s a version of who Peter could have become. May is alone with no one, left behind in a world that lost everything. She has a new family and she can’t give it all up to move half way across the world. May would be uprooting her whole family. She moved on from Peter. Tried her hardest to forget him.

May wants to have a relationship with Peter, she just mentally cannot handle having him back in her life because then that opens up the possibility of Ben being back in her life, or her parents, or Peter’s parents even. By acknowledging that Peter is back for more than a phone call or a FaceTime it’ll send her spiraling. May has crafted this reality for herself and it is safe and she cannot give it up.

She loves Peter, of course she does, but having him back will only hurt her more.

I still think it’s canon, in this story,  that Tony reversed what Thanos did for Peter. And I couldn’t just kill Tony off either because that wouldn’t really be as painful as Peter just not having contact with him after everything.

It’s not because Tony just forgot Peter existed that they don’t really talk at the beginning. Obviously the affect of snapping left Tony seriously injuries and I referenced that in the story, “…Tony needed a lot more attention after the snap due to his injuries…” so Peter doesn’t really have the full idea of what his injuries are like, but I imagine pretty horrible, which would mean that Pepper wouldn’t be able to move him very soon.

Not to mention Morgan, who is born post snap and now the world had doubled in population and suddenly her father is so badly injuries he can’t be moved. That’s traumatizing on a child of her age, and then try and move her into the city?? That’s going to cause lasting affects on her mental health so of course the Starks are going to do what they can for Peter, but they have some really big things they need to deal with too.

But the Starks did move back into the city for him, it’s just a little late, because Peter is now going away for school. It’s not that they didn’t put an effort in to be with him, it’s just that they were spread thin between the Tony’s recovery, having Morgan cope, the company, what’s left of the avengers, trying and get themselves back to the city and being in the midst of what is probably an economic crisis.

When Peter turns 22 there’s a line “Just some empty seats and empty promises,” which isn’t much to go on, but a little bit later when Peter is thirty I wrote that Tony also has an 8 year old son. So Tony and Pepper were supposed to go to Peter’s MIT graduation, but she went into labour and they couldn’t go. It’s such a small little thing that’d be easily missed, but I wanted to sprinkle in that Tony and Pepper were trying to make an effort with Peter at least. But then they have another kid and being parents is hard enough, but now two kids? That’s hard, they’re going to forgot to prioritize Peter, especially when he hasn’t been a priority yet.

I felt it was important to give Peter someone though. Which is why Peter and Flash are friends through the story. It’s unlikely, and it wouldn’t have happened had they not been left behind. In the beginning I had wanted to have Flash and Peter get together romantically at some point, but that felt like a cop out, and too predictable. Which is why Flash ended up with Peter’s P.A, Gwen (yes Gwen Stacy). Having Flash move on with his life could either give Peter the idea that he could have what Flash has, because they’ve been in the same boat forever, or it could lead him to think that he’s incapable of having a life like that.

I had originally written that Peter tells Flash about Spider-Man, about how he can’t put on his suit without getting really bad flashbacks and panic attacks about what happened. But I didn’t want to turn this story to be about Spider-Man, because it’s not. This isn’t about Spider-Man’s struggles to get the suit back on and save people, this is about Peter’s struggles with mental health and his addiction. In my head Peter told Flash when they were still in high school, sitting on the bleachers in the evening, drinking a bottle of whiskey that Flash stole from his Dad’s liquor cabinet, which would also be the beginning to Peter’s alcoholism. But I ultimately didn’t feel like it was necessary to add to the story. It is something I’m willing to write out in the future though.

It felt really important for me to make everything in the story connect with each other. Peter goes to school at MIT, which is in Boston, where Ned lived when he was an adult (and we know that’s also where Tony went to school), and Peter is in California when he meets Harley again, where MJ went to school (Tony also previously lived in Cali). Everything needed to be connected to the life Peter lost. Which is also why there are so many similarities in Peter’s life now and Tony’s life before he settled down.

Tony went to MIT, well now so does Peter. Tony is an alcoholic with preference for whiskey? Yeah, Peter too. Tony is pretty much alone except for Rhodey? Peter is also alone, but he has Flash. Tony had suicidal and self-destructive tendencies? Peter has only tried killing himself multiple times. By making Peter into a version of Tony, it brings a reference to SM:HC, where Peter says after the ferry boat accident, “I just wanted to be like you” and Tony responds “And I wanted you to be better.” Peter is Tony, he’s just found fame and fortune at a different time, runs his own company and makes ground-breaking research that will help the world.

It’s why Peter is so hurt when he’s called (look a SM:FFH reference) “The Next Tony Stark.” He already is Tony Stark, except he doesn’t have the happiness or the family Tony currently has. Peter just has Flash and his assistant Gwen (just like young Tony only had Rhodey and Pepper). Peter being a version of Tony Stark, he can’t really see an escape. He is so horribly hurt and the only way he can see there being peace in his life is if he isn’t alive. Which is why he continues to try and kill himself.

I didn’t want Peter to die though, I wanted him to find something that would make life tolerable. Which is why I reintroduced Harley. Peter tries to ignore Harley, pretend he doesn’t recognize him, because Peter doesn’t want to remember his past and who he was and what he lost anymore. Harley being there is such a big reminder of who he used to be and who he wants to be, that Peter wants Harley to go away. He doesn’t acknowledge that he knows Harley, even when Harley all but says ‘I’m Harley Keener’ to Peter. At this point in the story Peter made up his mind that he is going to die. There was no other option, but then this beacon of hope shows up and Peter doesn’t want it anymore.

I think by reintroducing Harley it was important to never say that Peter and Harley end up together or that they’re still in contact. I left that pretty open ended because Harley just swooped in at the last second and stopped Peter from killing himself. Peter’s recovery is clearly not an easy one because that was when Peter is 30 and it’s only when Peter turns 32 that he’s one month sober. It was important that you don’t know who is Peter’s family. Because maybe it’s not the Starks or MJ and Ned or Harley or May. Maybe Peter moved on from his past they way they all had and has finally made peace with life, or maybe Peter’s past is now in his life again and he’s happy because he has what he always missed.

Everything in this story was so deliberate and there’s so much that I did that’s just these small little things and I love it so much. I think it was important to see Peter struggle with life and death and his mental illnesses.

So yeah, I’m completely in love with this story and if you guys have any questions about it please send me some asks and I’ll totally answer them, I’m just not over this story yet and I really want to talk about it some more !!

[tozierpunks]

Richie, Bev, and Eddie being the wild child(s) (Eddie the tamer of the three) of the losers club. Maybe they’ve got piercings, tattoos, they’ll listen to music and smoke (Eddie occasionally tries but it’s not his thing, he’s vibing to the music tho) Richie’s nails are painted black, Bev’s got her combat boots, Eddie in his ripped dungarees. Taking road trips in Richie’s beat up truck.

I have this hc that there’s a payphone outside Bev’s apartment, and since she couldn’t be caught dead on the phone in her house without some flack from her shithead dad, she uses that one (it’s faced away from her apartment, he couldn’t see her unless he came out). So she gives Eddie the number and tells him to call at least three times, cause she’s bound to hear it one of those times, and that’s how they chat on the phone. She’ll call Eddie, and if Sonia answers, she pretends to be a telemarketer.

They’ll make plans to sneak out and spend the night in the clubhouse if either of their houses are too bad. Eddie brings Sonia’s sugary snacks, Bev will bring magazines or comic books, and sometimes she brings one of her dad’s beers. Both of them hate the taste, but drinking it and gagging at the taste and exchanging that UGH look... is almost like a silent promise that they’ll never talk about this to anyone else.

Because no one else will get it.

No one else understands what it’s like to love someone you hate and fear SO MUCH. No one else knows how it feels to be stuck in a box, and completely at the mercy of someone who was supposed to love you. It’s a betrayal they hope their friends never know.

Then there’s one night Richie comes by the clubhouse after dark, and he’s surprised to find them there. He honestly just wanted a place to read his cousin’s Playboy, and he was shocked to find Bev and Eddie. They jumped up just as a reflex, and it seemed like they were caught doing something.

Of course, he’s a little heartbroken because he feels like he’s on the outside looking in, and he jokes, “Wow Eds, I didn’t know you had it in you. Bev, I always thought your type was... Bill. But this is cool. My best friends... boinking.” and Eddie looks horrified and Beverly flips him off and points out his magazine.

“Were you gonna beat the meat in here? You don’t do it on the hammock do you? Try not to tear it off, Trashmouth.”

Only her one liners are good enough to match his.

They don’t tell him exactly why they’re there, but they swear nothing weird is going on. Bev isn’t ready for all that teenage junk, and neither is Eddie. He’s not really interested in girls at all. (”Er- yet, I guess,” he adds, almost as an afterthought).

Bev offers Eddie a cigarette to give Richie, “five minutes alone with Miss January” and that’s his first time smoking. He choked of course, but he does try it a couple more times before deciding he hates it. The nicotine gives him a headache, anyways. So Richie comes out and invites them to his house, and Maggie catches them sneaking in. She sees how dirty and frightened Richie’s friends are, and she always KNEW something was wrong with that Alvin Marsh, and everyone knows Sonia Kaspbrak is a bigoted, holier-than-thou nutcase...

and let’s just say Maggie Tozier was kind of a bad girl in high school. She remembers what it’s like. Sneaking out, picking locks, stealing a beer or two. Of course she’s still Richie’s mother, so he’s “in big trouble, mister.”

But his friends? While she “doesn’t approve,” they always have room here for Eddie and Bev. She makes them up little beds, offers them a drink, and is the mother neither of them had the pleasure of knowing. And that’s when they start gravitating towards Richie’s house.

Not too long later, he asks what they were doing in the clubhouse alone, at THAT hour. It’s hard, because Eddie and Bev haven’t even said it to each other. They just knew.

Then Eddie does something weird. He starts crying.

He hates crying.

It makes him uncomfortable, because it’s what his mother uses to guilt trip him. Crying never means someone’s sad. It means you did something wrong, and the only way you can make it right is by doing what they want, even if you hate it. Even if it’s bad for you.

Even if it makes you cry too.

So he hates crying, he never lets himself, because he doesn’t want anyone to feel as bad as he does. Especially not his friends.

Richie and Bev FULLY do not care though. They’re immediately there to comfort him, and it feels entirely different from what he’s used to with his mother. Strangely enough, it’s his crying that makes Beverly blurt out the truth. All the horrible things her father has done and said, all the ways he’s made her feel disgusting. All the ways he used to make her happy, because he was still her father. She talks about the anger, and the guilt, and the hate, and all the other ugly feelings trapped inside. Eddie wipes his nose and nods, because it’s the same for him.

Richie doesn’t cry about it until later. After he walks them home. More than anything, he doesn’t wanna leave them. Not in those houses. Not where they’re alone and unprotected. He gets home and Maggie greets him, but he runs into her arms and sobs. He really does love her and Went; they’re the best parents in this whole damn town - next to Mike’s.

After that though, Richie makes sure to always have room for Eddie and Bev at his place. He cleans up the spare room the Tozier’s have been using for storage, and he asks if they can get bunk beds. Or at least a big guest bed for him and Eddie to share, and Bev can have his room. Maggie and Went are proud of him; their boy has the biggest heart, and only a handful of close friends will really know.

That’s the beginning of it all though. Bev starts leaving nail polishes in the guest room, because really it’s not a guest room as much as it is Bev and Eddie’s shared room. Maggie and Went suddenly have another son, and a daughter. Bev always wanted a mother, and Maggie always wanted a daughter. Richie’s a little baffled when she takes Bev out shopping, but he has no complaints. As long as they bring back something for dinner.

Maggie inherits a sewing machine from her grandmother when Gran Tozier passes, and she lets Beverly use it in the guest room. She even starts buying spare fabrics she thinks Beverly might like.

Went meanwhile is teaching Eddie about how to fix a car, because he bought Richie a beaten up truck for his birthday. Richie knows how to change the tires, but he’s not interested enough to REALLY learn everything. Eddie however, watches Went in awe. He asks questions, gets his hands dirty, and he LOVES it. He starts to care less and less when Sonia talks at him about filth and potential dangers. He’s very, “whatever, Ma.”

Richie’s happy to see them both thriving in his house. It’s not like he’s given the shaft; he has his parents 24/7 and they’re constantly there for every talent show, every small bowling alley gig, and they’re taking pictures at every “first day on the job” even if he’s had 20.

All of them get little jobs to start saving up - they want an apartment somewhere far from Derry once they graduate. Of course, their funds are often spent elsewhere. Sneaking a twenty to the already graduated and legal Victor Criss so he can buy them booze, snagging scalped tickets to a Nirvana concert in Boston, getting the truck back when it’s ultimately towed.

And of course they’re still incredibly close with the other losers, but there’s something special about the three of them together. Bev does both of their nails, Eddie helps to perfect her eyeliner, because he can draw wings the best, and Richie makes himself the protector. He loves them both so much, and he’s finally able to believe that they both love and need him.