#even tho i was tired all fucking day!!
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this whole not being able to sleep thing is bullshit lmao
#ive been up ALL NIGHT#even tho i was tired all fucking day!!#i did take a 20 ish minute nap at my desk when i got back from walking the dogs last night but#then i woke up and i was still tired but I COULDNT FUCKING GO BACK TO SLEEP#i feel like im gonna crash soon but who knows
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study of this masterwork
#wayneradiotv#rtvs#sonic the hedgehog#after '''''typesetting'''''''' this thing I almost forgot how to spell hedgehog#the caption is fully unironic btw this is for educational purpose. its very fun to draft a comic from an existing ''thumbnail'' it turns ou#but also I just love comics dude. I just love sequential art its so cool to see how anyone arranges things in their own comic#like. wayne's sprite on top of the ''what!!'' speech bubble. really fucking good#little bit sad I couldnt catch the streams live even tho they did run in my timezone... bc Im bad at sleepin#but! Im gonna try and set an alarm this weekend. wanna hang out for a bit#also yeah all dialogue in this is accurate to the original. no use fixing whats perfect as they say#debated printing this out and scuffing the paper with eraser and then re-scan it. for authenticity. but Im tired and dinner soon so#sorry cosme my friend cosme I couldnt commit. I couldnt do it....#anyways yeah. I dinner now#have a good day lads! what u see truly is what u get
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also picking raspberries turned out to be.. really fucking hard
#it's so physically demanding broo ToT#idk i feel like im just weak af because some people there seem to do it so easily and i can barely#do half a day#and they want me to do a full day tomorrow bro#like#I'm so tired after half a day..#i genuinely feel like i might just collapse or something#i do want that bit of money tho but it's sooo exhausting#i went there for half a day today and it killed me bro i was just lying in bed#and i didn't want to fall asleep cause it was like noon already but#i didn't even have the energy to look at a phone lmao#well it's gonna be over this week probably cause#the raspberries are going to stop growing in a few days apparently they're saying in 2 days#we're going to be done#I'd love to make more money but I don't think i can fucking do ittt#its so physically demanding whyyyyy#and why are there grandmas working with me in that field and they seem just fine BROOOO TOT#but yeah now that im thinking about it this also might be part of my problems cause#im soo much.ore irritable rn just cause im literally exhausted all the time ughhh#i came back home 3 days ago and i haven't even had the time to sit down at a desk and draw something#not even mentioning energy aughhh
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Day six hundred forty one 641 Tornadus
#pokemon#tornadus#merry Christmas Eve to all who celebrate#I spent ALL DAY baking cookies#I think I went a little overboard tbh#I’m so fucking tired#they are delicious tho don’t even worry about that lol
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.
#VENT#VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours#they asked if i could do 30#and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max#now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least#and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college#but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything#and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse#whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly#i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me#has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no#he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING#im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist#he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl#and to top it all off#i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked#because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent#nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard#and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to#turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely
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Watching Mavis contemplate the idea of herself possibly being on the path to becoming an alcoholic is strangely cathartic after how she treated me for being an alcoholic. I'd say I wouldn't wish the shit I've gone through on my worst enemy, and that's mostly true. I wouldn't wish the shit I've gone through in full on my worst enemy.
So I hope her recovery goes quick. But I also hope it sucks. I hope she gets withdrawals that she recovers from, but I hope she suffers the fevers and the chills and the cramps and the cravings and the agony. I hope she learns a lesson in how she enables and encourages the way society treats the struggling, the less fortunate, the downtrodden, the traumatised, the addicted.
I hope she learns something from this and never speculates or utters another fucking word about anyone else's coping habits or addictions. I hope she learns to stay in her fucking lane and not judge people for the methods they use to cope.
I hope she comes away with the knowledge of what her own medicine tastes like, and I hope it's bitter.
#mavisposting#tacking on that you wouldn't be having cravings for alcohol after only one drink the day before so she's defo lying for sympathy points#so y'know. as always. manipulative#i do genuinely hope she gets better if she is falling into addiction tho (which she's not because she's a liar)#but i also hope it sucks the whole fucking time she's getting better (which she won't because she's a liar)#i hope her withdrawals are short but also the worst thing that's ever happened to her#even if it's just one day of withdrawals. i hope she gets all the shit i coped with for weeks when i went cold turkey#i hope she learns how fucking hard it is and she never says another cruel word to or about addicts of any sort#i don't care if i sound cruel atp. it's 12am. i'm sleepy. i'm tired of the world's cruelty#and i'm especially tired of her woe-is-me manipulative lying bullshit#the utter fucking audacity she has to lie about this shit after everything she said about my alcoholism and drug use#she can get fucked royally actually. fuck her. i don't care. genuinely one of the worst people i've ever met and that's saying something
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i know my body is doing its best but christ alive.
#keeping it fun and funky fresh#personal#i need a chronic illness tag#i've been doing frankly a lot better in the past week+ bc we got an upstairs window ac#and we've been keeping the house air conditioned bc even tho it gets cool overnight it is incredibly humid all the time (70-90%)#and the ac units take the humidity out from indoors as well as keeping things a consistent cool temp for me#but today i painted so i aired out the house all day. and. it was a mistake.#i feel fucking miserable. i could not get comfortable At All All Day.#also like. i haven't talked about this but i've gained quite a bit of weight in the last 2 years & especially the last 6 months#(being completely sedentary d/t chronic fatigue will do that to ya)#and so a lot of my clothes fit weird and feel bad and i haven't replaced them yet bc i still don't rly know how to shop#for clothing for trans women. especially bc a lot of those clothes are thrift store finds that Happen(ed) to feel good on me#and today i happened to be wearing underwear that i didn't realize were among the no-longer-comfy and the waistband would not stop rolling#and then it'd get pinched between my stomach & my lower abdomen and chafe horribly especially w/ how sweaty & sticky i was#it was just awful. it was just awful. i finally turned the ac back on even tho it's only 70° outside#bc i couldn't stand being in the (currently) 80% humidity anymore#and grayson helped me take a sponge bath after i broke down crying#and now i feel a little better but i'm just. tired. i'm tired & all of this is getting worse & my doctor doesn't seem to give a shit#heat intolerance
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If you've never heard an LRAD go off in person, I *genuinely* do not want to hear your opinion about methods of resistance in the US.
#i'm so fucking sick#wifey and i are pretty sure we got COVID so we've been isolating and trying to stay well#this is now at least my 2nd infection though#and you can tell too#wifey has been having trouble keeping me fed and hydrated and CONSCIOUS because I'm so tired I can barely function#this is despite sleeping for 12 hrs a day the past two days#and being fully medicated (or as fully medicated as I can be)#and on top of that my hypotension has been acting up severely since getting sick and I can barely walk 10ft b4 losing consciousness#i've haven't started throwing up my food and water yet but I've come pretty close especially early in the morning#anyway the point is that I am like. visibly being hit with an autoimmune aggravator not just a normal cold#and unfortunately#I'm taking it harder this time than the last#wifey is doing okay and mostly experienced it as a headcold with severe fatigue#she's pretty much better now a week or so out from starting to show symptoms#we....don't like when she gets hit that hard tho because it usually means I'm about to get bodied#pattern is holding so far regrettably lmao#anyway#my point is that I'm sick and angry and grieving and I really want to hit something or set it on fire#but i can't because i can barely move or even stay awake#and this is literally all my personal hell#as a result i am finding that I have a uhhhhhhhhhh unreasonably low threshhold for irritation recently
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said “there there buddy” like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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my best friend's MOTHER called me to scold me about being depressed and self isolating lol what has life even come to
#she was like. kya hua why won't you meet her she's saying you're busy do you have exams or something#and she knows too much about me so she's like beta exam toh agli saal hai na#it was more like pyaar se scolding ki mil liya karo usse acche lagega she's very sad she misses you#i was like. hmph. what??? she certainly hasn't said that to me#im kinda sick and tired of begging people to make me a priority pay attention to me tbh. i did ask to meet but she was like you come to my#house only i won't come to your house. even tho last few months ive been to her house soooo many times because of her parental drama#i don't want to go anymore im trying to study consistently and we don't sleep at all during nighout and i don't even want to waste a single#day. plus dad is being so weird and involved these days i can't even just sneak out. i mean if she came to my home atleast i wouldn't be so#tired that id waste the whole next day. but she doesn't wanna and she doesn't even have a reason so i just let it be i gave up#but aunty made me feel so guilty so whatever i texted like hey u wanna meet#tbh i don't want to sit and listen to her boyfriend drama all night. she never wants to do stuff together anymore we used to watch movies#we used to dance to songs we used to have so much fun. we were even planning on drinking but she keeps cancelling. now it's just endless#talk about how she feels so lonely and how she misses the guys so fuckinh much and howshe can't stop talking to them and how she needs them#to fill the gap the empty space#well fuck you!!! i feel the same and you don't give a fuck. you blow me off constantly don't hangout for a month even when we're in the#same city !! so we fuck you go to your boys and go your cousin ill be on my fucking own then always on my own desperately#trying everything to fix myself enough to move forward so my life doesn't fall apart and comes to a crashing halt#okay im definitely pmsing but whatever
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this election feels so hollow even though it’s likely ostensibly gonna be a good outcome. labour really just sucks fucking ass rn huh
#if the tories lose bad enough to make lib dems the opposition though… a guy can hope#I think it’s the fact that this is the first general election I can vote in that’s making me lose my mind a little here#I have done basically nothing but read today. I DO know a whole bunch more abt voting systems and the nightmare the tories have been now tho#I’m just kinda like. okay so what happens next? bc labour WILL do some decent shit but they also. fucking suck.#planning to look into the local green party once I’m back at uni bc I could actually do stuff there#I think I’m just dealing with a little bit of whiplash going from doing a biology degree where Everything is about climate change#like unambiguously it gets brought up in every topic (I DO focus on ecology and agricultural stuff and not like genetics but still)#clear consensus from literally everyone you talk to that shit has to happen right the fuck now.#it’s not even like I’m unaware of the state of policy rn I KNOW it’s a nightmare to do anything but we at least TALK about it#and then this election where it’s barely a footnote. biggest thing is the sewage dumping everyone’s talking about and yeah fucking finally#but is that all you’ve got?? the labour manifesto is bleak. it has a section and the stuff they’re proposing isn’t bad but it’s so little#and yeah no they’ve changed the official line on the manifesto to ‘make Britain a clean energy superpower’#I SWEAR it was different a few days ago#maybe I’m being pessimistic bc their plans for clean energy if they actually do them could be huge especially if they manage it by 2030.#it’s just that I know what the targets are and they’re already pulling back on shit like EVs bc of the shift right and I am So Tired#two party politics is a curse. as much as reform is an actual nightmare them getting a decent vote share might actually be the thing that#gets people talking abt proportional representation again bc they are nothing if not good at being loud#did you know we had a fucking referendum in 2011 bc what the fuck. and it went SO BADLY even though people generally supported it#god idk I think I’m once again being naively optimistic about people and election coverage has been very good at knocking me down a bit#people generally are good. I have to believe this. but man the british public is making that really fucking hard#genuinely I think a good chunk of that is down to first past the post driving politics to be divisive and aggressive#like is it the only problem? fuck no. but it’s definitely poisoning the way this shit goes bc when all the parties do is jab at each other#what are we actually doing here#idk I’m gonna stop now but this is taking up a ridiculous amount of bandwidth rn I can’t wait for it to be over#already dreading what the next election could look like in 4 years if starmer continues to suck ass bc I don’t trust him to not like at all#luke.txt#I said i was done but I just looked at the lib dem manifesto and oh my god it’s actually pretty good on this? holy fucking shit
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i just finished clarences route and i am not okay my eyes are going to be puffy and swollen in the morning gdi 😭😭
LIKE
NO FUCK U WITH THE SELF SACRIFICE IM SOJDDKDGDJDDJS
#sophie’s idle chatter#whats with games and making me cry so much this week wtf#im now abt to do the expedition with caels pov so aha im going to prepare myself 🥹🫡#but clarence…. crying that was such an amazing route… HIS STRUGGLES AND POV ANDUS BEING THE ONLY LIGHT IN HIS DAR TIMES OURGH#i still chose lars epilogue tho HAHSH#now i need to wash my face before the tears dry fuck#ALSO !! i will answer asks tmrw bc i am. tired. today has not been it and im so confused#maybe its the weather 🧍♀️#but anyway i hope u all have a lovely day/morning/afternoon/evening/night 🫶🫶
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they should!!!!!!! invent!!!!!!!! a my body!!!!!!! that doesn't fucking suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#unrealistic i know#i've been having a certain Issue for months now and it's such a pain#normally it's annoying but today it also started straight up burning#i hate it hereeeeeeee#ik it's likely also a response to stress (along with so many other issues i have that haven't gone away in months)#(even tho for most people they last a few weeks at most. ha. ha. haha.)#but what the fuck am i supposed to do. being stressed is my default state literally the only way for me to lower it is to die#also. bitch all these health issues are causing most of my stress atp !!!!!!! the fuck am i supposed to do abt that!!!!!!!!!#i can't even relieve them for a few days atp i'm so tired. i hate this body in every way possible i really do#vent#ask to tag#feeling like shit. good night
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man why does hoppity's hunt have to be tomorrow, im busy Slaying Beasts im not playing skyblock rn
#playing big big run in splatoon i want that triumvirate badge SO BAD#i love salmon run aaaaaaaaaaaugh i need the badge i need it i need it#hi i've been at work all day and i will be inactive tomorrow it's squiddy time#just dropping in to say hi before i pass out im so tired#today was allllll paperwork we had so many problems kjhfkg#many thousands of dollars worth of materials has mysteriously disappeared! if that truck isnt here monday that's gonna be A Fucking Problem#our truck driver is already suspected of having stole a bunch of stuff from us and he also intentionally hurt someone on the job so. Lol#he might end up in jail soon.#our last driver hit someone while VERY high. we do not have much luck with these guys 😭#believe it or not that wasnt even our biggest issue today it just caused a lot of other problems on top of the problems#and no i will not say where i work or what i do. too personal for here. but i WILL complain about it#(i do love my job tho genuinely there was just a lot today lol)#chat
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i simsed my ideal apartment :]
#THE FURNITURE IS JUST PLACEHOLDERS LMAO my actual furniture would be much nicer...#also We r ignoring the fact that i didnt have room to put a desk 😭😭 in my irl dream apartment there would be a desk in a little nook#i will perhaps finish this some other day.. whos 2 say#its also annoying bc its. an apt obv but even tho ts4 'has' 'apartments'. you all know what i mean LOL#also the ts4 apts are all fucking huge likee. and i legit hate the fact you cant build yr own apt building 😭😭 it legit means that if you#want to have an apt it HAS to be in san myshuno and like. man apartments exist outside of cities and also it gets rly fucking tiring to pic#from the same 3 ugly ass stupid layout ass apartments everytime u wanna move a sim into an apartment. but whatever#but no like i said the sims 4 apartments r all fucking gigantic but also shaped in such a way that its like. impossible to make a good floo#plan.... it sucks :[[#like i dont wanna live in a shoebox or anything but i dont need a like. 5000 square feet apt or whatever...#but ya this is missing some things id have as well just due to. limitations of the game. id also want to have a coat closet a linen closet#etc... i lovee little closets#and obviously id also have A closet closet bc as is nowhere for my sim 2 put clothes!#ill see abt drawing a floorplan for a more likee real life of what id want
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i had a dream that i made little cards that say "THEY!" on them that i handed out to people at work who got my pronouns wrong, immediately after they got it wrong. and in smaller text (or on the back) it said "i don't want an apology, i want you to do better" or "don't say you're sorry, DO BETTER" and ..... i kind of want to do it. maybe i'll get some moo cards made lmao
various scenarios included:
me slamming it down on a desk in front of them.
instead i had stickers, would slowly peel one off while they watched, and stick it on it on them.
handing out a quarter sheet piece of paper based on the 'i caught being good' tags we'd get in kindergarten which said 'i got caught misgendering hallie/my coworker'. it would have their name and date on it and a giant 🙁 face. i had them as a pad of paper and would hold up a finger to say 'wait a second', dramatically pull it out of my back pocket, take my pen out of another pocket, slowly fill it out in front of them, and hand it to them while staring them in the eyes.
getting a whiteboard for the outer side of my cubicle wall that said '[days] since i was misgendred' (with a bonus by saying 'last offender: [name]'
i also dreamt that i got into trouble for it because i was making people feel bad and was 'creating a hostile work environment'. i was just like.... okay and how do you think i feel? and my boss shut up real fuckin quick. dunno if that would be the case irl but if that does happen i can only dream.
#tired of the people who say 'i'm trying but i'm going to make mistakes'#ok sure i definitely mess up sometimes too but when it's not even close to 50/50 let alone merely uncommon ............. fuck you#what's sad is it's all people i like and it hurts so much#in the dream it the cards also said something about how i'm not a girl. not a lady. not a woman. stop saying that word to me ...#... in plural when i'm with female coworkers. about half the time i say 'not a lady' and only about half the time it's acknowleged#or that one who constantly posts female-empowering images on ig which are alienating bc it's clearly very binary#and getting comments like 'well it applies to you to!!!' why bc i have a pussy? fuck off#and she'll sometimes say 'thank you for your patience' (what patience) or 'have patience with me' (no.)#i've also thought of holding up my name tag in their faces bc my previous boss had it specially made for me#it's got my name position and pronouns#same boss tho..... he was REALLY consistent about using my pronouns but one day used she/her three times in a row before eventually...#... correcting himself and the next day i told him that really sucked especially from him and he later told me i should have been nicer...#... about it. i was PISSED. i said 'well then how should i have said it?' i don't even remember his answer i just know i wanted to go...#... off on him SO BADLY bc he said it 'hurt his feelings'. well too fucking bad bc every time i'm misgendered it makes me want to...#...die inside a little and feels like at the very least a tiny punch to the gut but that felt like being stabbed esp since it was a new hir#he also said 'ok but i corrected myself' yeah AT THE END after doing it THREE TIMES and that's not the point here#anyway lol this dream definitely stirred up shit unfortunately but i'm serious when i say i might actually have these made#like both my internal email and external emails have my pronouns in them (i had to campaign for this btw so thank you me)#but i recently added my own custom signature with 'they/them' in it that has a link about using pronouns correctly#me#lgbtq#nonbinary
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