#even when the bad days never seem to end | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fangswbenefits · 4 months

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just a few random thoughts on The Arrangement Astarion (cw: mentions of past abuse and trauma)

The way abuse can warp someone for life is often overlooked. This isn't just a journey about him dealing with intimacy (in all its forms) but also how to do it in spite of everything he went through. Putting up walls and not letting her in, but feeling the need to resort to sarcasm and to being snarky cause the vulnerability that comes with it is just too much to handle. She has already seen the ugly yet he keeps doing it, because when you've doing it for so long it becomes second nature and it's hard to unlearn this behaviour. How can people stay when they've seen the ugly? Well, some people do stay because they have seen the ugly and their love for you surpasses that. They'd ve damned if they allowed that to change their opinion of you.

However, this doesn't have be a life sentence for him. He can learn and better himself alongside her if he so chooses. There will be good days. There will be bad days. But the constant will be her by his side. And this isn't about anyone getting fixed. There are other ways to heal. Are those healthy, though? But still, no matter how uncertain things are, he can count on her love as a constant that can help him love the parts of him that he has grown to hate.

Is it easy? Does it happen overnight? Probably not. But there's always hope. There is always a way out. Even when he dissociates. Even when he's fearful of getting more intimate with her. Even when he remembers that she chose friendship over something else - it's never easy to be shown what you need to see instead of what you want to see. Astarion falls into this constant dichotomy and I think it's worth exploring 🫂

#ruby rambles ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾#the arrangement #it's tough to break from this mindset but it can be so cathartic when you do #even if there's moments you falter and the voice inside your head gets too loud #🩷#some of this also overlaps with some personal stuff and i tbink that's why it hurts so much to write from his POV #it's like looking at a mirror and realising you are able to tackle some stuff through a character even when you refuse to do so irl #but #hope prevails #even when the bad days never seem to end #there is always hope that they will even out with the good ones #hard work is necessary and it's not easy #but it's possible and that's all that matters

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sskk-manifesto · 2 months

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!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#A great episode tbh especially given the low budget. I feel like they really did their very best #And even though what I'm going to say next is probably going to be all critic - because I nitpick things and that's what I always end up–#talking about - I still want to underline that it was a very solid and enjoyable episode!!!#Alright the ss/kk was so 💞💞💞 every scene I had to rewatch twice or thrice akhscbashfb they're so cute!!!#Except for the riding scene tho. That scene gives me massive second hand embarrassment every time I just wish it will end as fast as–#possible pffttt. Mmmmhhh... The drawings weren't even too bad all accounted. My main complain is about the quicksand scene...#I feel like that one should be a slow quiet emotional scene. I never licked the choice of using the song as background soundtrack :/#I feel like it ruins the mood of the scene (it was still good though)#I also... Generally don't like the direction they seem to go for with Akutagawa's character in the anime‚ he seems quite a bit flatter–#compared to how he is in the manga. He can't be angry and evil ALL the time you need to show that softness get through from time to time.#If not what even is the point of his character. Yet in the anime he's angry (and not distraught) when he loses the mine craft and he's–#angry when he's questioning Atsushi about his motifs and he's angry when he's bragging about Atsushi's abilities to Goncharov and he's–#angry when he makes the promise with Atsushi at the end of the episode and eventually he'll be just as angry even when telling Atsushi–#to run away as he's sacrificing his life for him. It is pretty flat at the end of the day.#If I can say something about K/ensho Ono without being killed I think they do contribute to making him feel angry all the time.#But that said it's all probably poor directing choices (or simply choices I don't agree with).#Also‚ about cuts. Usually I try to be lenient about it– I understand it's hard to fit in everything and b/sd already does a very–#good job by adapting the manga almost panel-by panel. It's just that... You skip Akutagawa showing compassion for Atsushi after the–#orphanage director died. You skip Atsushi sharing the same compassion when Akutagawa loses his targed in the mines chase. You skip the–#“Nothing special about that. // I suppose he's far crueler than my own mentor.” line. And sure each of them may be negligible by their own #But together they wave a consistent web of relationship between the two characters you know? And it's a loss to omit them all #Well no mind. Again it was still a great episode overall!!!!#I think the colors in the mines could have been prettier in the mines but we can't have it all #Off to season 4!!! Omg I can't believe we got this far :DDD #random rambles #FINALLY was able to catch up in time for the season 3 finale!!!!!!

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solace-seekers · 3 months

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screaming into the void <3

#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn #we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey #he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve #he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday #and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them #and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense #i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor #he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally #he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok #and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning #and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him #to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing #but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday #he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight #i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning #and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because #this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn #i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say #i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense #and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year #but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better #for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows #he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand #my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary #cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it #i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months

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recent things

#With the heatwave combined with being ill for like an entire week it seems I've lost like 16 days this month #where I basically did barely anything... grrr.... The passage of time... My Enemy...#Now that I can finally hold down food and stuff I'm feeling a little better mostly and my sickness has probably passed. But I still #feel weird a little bit like.. some lingering weakness or something. I think I'm just already having so many Problems at all times even in #my 'Normal' state that whenever I get sick or something my whole system is thrown off for a while lol #I'm supposed to be writing like 2000 words a day still ghbjhb... I've had multiple days of maybe 1000 - 1500. And a lot of days #where I write maybe 20 - 300. I've still been chipping away at the same single quest dialogue for all 20 something #days this month so.. AUGH.. Though that also counts the 16 days I did nearly nothing but be sick and overheated #I finally edited that whole big sims video I wanted to post!!! but now there's an issue with it ... T o T #My fault for still almost exclusively using windows movie maker in 2024 lol.. but HHHHhh.. It's like every once in a while randomly #a fully edited video will not be able to be exported. so evil for this to happen to my first sims build tour in a while. but alas..#ANYWAY... I have been slowly working on little things here and there.. in my little scraps of time.. Wishing to be fully productive at #some point. Maybe I can finally finish and post some things soon. like costume photos or sims videos and etc.#BUT HEY.. that solitaire thing is crazy to me.. I don't think I've ever finished a challenge in under 20 seconds #before. huzzah.. tripeaks squad.. OH.. and an image of #curly tail boye.............. he..... I took him to the vet for a check up and he seems surprisingly okay for a 16 year old. except he has #a mild thyroid issue or something so I'll have to give him medicine. But every time he goes in I'm always expecting them to be like #Sorry. Your Son Is Truly Doomed. or etc. so I'm always shocked when he's fine... a strange boy with many strange behaviors #so I can never tell if he's just Being Weird or if he's sick or soemthing ghjbjh #Also the bad thing about never ending summer heat is that when it IS finally cool for a few days. I don't want to do ANYTHING. It's like wh #n it's hot I feel too sick to do anything. And then when it's cooler I'm like 'OUU the first cool day in WEEKS.. i want to just relax and #fully ENJOY the coolness..'' So it's always constant warfare with my body like.. NO ..we cannot SLEEP. We must utilize this small patch #of Non Heatwave to finally be productive and finish things while we don't feel sick. But then it's like ''ohoho...to lay in the cold air of #the morning restfully.. i shall have a little nap with a blanket on for once.. perhaps.. tee hee'' Always at war with the Tired Sleepy #it seems. AAAANyway...... grr............ slowly finishing things. still usually missing my target writing goals..#Hopefully will have some actual art or costumes or something to post soon. Fumbling through the summer weather as usual lol

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fragmentedblade · 4 months

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I have so many screenshots of Kalpas' face I could reconstruct his face at this point, and I'm afraid to say I'm not sure his face is scarred

#Biggest disappointment in a while #The marks on his face coincide exactly in shape and placement with the waves and twirls of his bangs #and they're the same colour used for the shading of his face #Which makes me think perhaps they're the shadow his hair forms on his face #I'm afraid of this realisation and hope it isn't the case but thankfully (?) I suppose we'll never know for sure #On the other hand his eyelashes have those reddish brownish parts that I thought were just the model breaking down #but they seem to belong to the actual design in some of the screenshots I've taken. That would be nice #I did want him scarred though. The marked dark eyebags are good nonetheless #And he has green eyes. A very realistic shade of green. I wasn't expecting him to have green eyes at all and I like it very much #I went to take screenshots hoping for noseless guy and I've ended up thinking he doesn't even have scars #I don't even know what to say haha #Kalpas #I talk too much #Traces #HI3 #I am very much not normal about the fact he has green eyes. I don't know why I have loved it so intensely #nor why the realisation has surprised me so severely #But I do really enjoy the fact that he has green eyes #By the way‚ hilarious when Mei catches him talking with some other Flame Chaser and he talks normal. No threatening tone. No screaming #Even with Mobius. Yes he's angry yes he's sad yes the weight of the past is crumbling over him #but kind of like everyone else there. Mei gets in the middle of his conversations with Hua or Elysia or even Mobius and he is calm #and having a decent conversation. Then Mei arrives and he becomes that one Yu Gi Oh character #or Light in one of his bad days or over L's tomb #or something along those lines of exaggerated. It's so funny #Truly hilarious and so very silly. I would have died in two days there because I would not have been able to avoid making fun of him

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marsbotz · 1 month

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gruxime makes me a little insaneeeee esp from maximes perspective cus its like. damn. a hell of my own creation.

#like even outside of shipping or w/e if maxime hadnt embarrassed gru at homecoming they cld have been friends. more even #meeeee when im miserably unhappy in my group of friends trying to live up to something i can never be #instead of being myself w ppl who get it #it does make me smile that they seem to be on good terms at the end of 4 and makes me think that like. maybe gru never rllyyyy hated him..?#like to maxime it was world ending catastrophe but gru likes destroying ppls will to live for fun even as a kid #autism to autism communication… FAILED.#undecided on if gru wld have liked maxime back or not. at least in canon #ummmm. i think it cld be possible. but in a weird confused rivarly kinda way #like maxime is so bad at giving mixed signals that gru genuinely cant tell if he likes him or wants him dead for ages #like when ppl go ‘oooh hes just being mean cus he likes u’ but like. genuinely #um kind of a tangent but my thoughts for gru at lpb is that he mostly keeps to himself and doesnt rlly have any friends #but he dgaf (effect of literally never having had anyone close to him b4)#in comparison to maxime who is all abt cliques and surrounded by ppl …. but still alone 😔💔#i do think some of maximes friends wld be actually nice tho. like in the same position as him #everybodys just trying to fit in. u know #anyways i think gru wld spend 99% of his time either alone or chilling w the minions #but its just nicer for him to mostly be left alone instead of bullied by like. the whole school #btwwwww interesting that when maxime mocks him at the reunion 1. everyone laughs and 2. gru looks surprised that everyone laughs #like hm damn maybe having crazy popularity and connections pays off. Damn.#he doesnt seem to be bullied while actually at the school as ppl cheer for him at the show #i think this is maybe a byproduct of gru being considered a failed villain in the current day #HEY BTW i thought it was a littleeee strange that gru being an avl agent isnt like. common knowledge among villains. seems like big news #that wld have leaked somehow. but idk maybe he got lucky or the avl covered it up #but damn after the reunion they DEFINIETLY all know. cld be an interesting setup to dm5 [blinks cutely]#lol. anyways. my thoughts

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caspersscareschool · 2 months

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my friend gave me a really awkwardly visible hickey after i warned him about doing that & i tried to cover it up with old foundation but apparently i sweated it off 😭 I'm trying to convince people a kid bit me

#at the end of the day my coworker was like marty i havent had a chance to ask did you have a good weekend...seems like you did.......#&I'm like yea actually how could you tell ^_^#my mom kind of gave me this really sad smiling look for an uncomfortably long time &then called me out but i think i convinced her #the trick with lying is to commit as hard as possible and never let up ☝️ even when confronted directly #but yea just he felt so bad abt it immediately after that i honestly can't bring myself to be upset abt it. among other things

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lisbonsteresa · 2 years

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why does she look at him like that though

#like i bring this up every 3 days i know but she just LIKES him #he is the most irritating person in the world and he drives her crazy most of the time but above all of that she just likes him!#she does this horrible draining job day after day but he's there with his dumb quips and dumbass plans #and not only does he get results - hE cLoSeS cAsEs - but he makes her work...maybe not fun but manageable #he brings levity into her life; a life that has not been afforded a whole lot of levity (for multiple reasons)#and he makes the bad days easier; he makes her smile even when she's rolling her eyes and apologizing for him #and the end of this season works so well for me because she's hit again with just how deep in the dark he is #'can't you see there's people who care about you? who need you?' can't you see that /i/ care about you? that /i/ need you?#she's come to rely on him so much (sometimes against her better judgement flakjd) and now she's afraid that he can't do the same with her #that she can't be to him what he is to her but the gag is that she's been that to him all along #she's been his tether to the world; to reality long before either of them seem to realize it #and he needs her just as much as she needs him and it's never explicitly stated (until later)#but it's proven when he gives up his best rj lead (by literally - whole other issue) to save her without hesitation #idk idk they just make me CRAZY #tm

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whenthegoldrays · 4 months

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Hmm

#pondering #I can’t believe it’s been a year since I gave up on my last crush #it seems like so long ago I feel like I’ve lived eight lifetimes since then #but it also feels like just yesterday #and yet I feel so…. distant from him #I mean I also never see him anymore #the only reason I did then is because I’d seek him out #and even then….#idk what I’m trying to say #just that things change #and myself of two years ago would be amazed #that I’m able to have a normal life and think about him minimally and painlessly #because two years ago I was in the DUMPS #I went through this intense phase where I just felt like I *had* to be with him and got to the point where I’d just cry out of fear that #that I’d die before I got a chance to make him fall in love with me #it was so bad I was so paranoid and lovesick and and and.. ough #I still remember that night so well #it was also a Wednesday like today and it had been an awful day and I had a headache #and I just thought. I can’t take this anymore. where are we even going. he’s never going to notice me never #i GIVE UP #it was mostly an impulse but looking back I’m so glad I followed that particular impulse #it’s like when Edmund walked out of Mary’s house not because he was super resolved but more on an impulse of the moment #just felt like the thing to do. and I may have regretted it once or twice afterwards but in the end it absolutely WAS the right call #and a couple months later YOU-KNOW-WHO showed up #absolutely insane events happening to me last year.#but now I feel like the girl from that one video #“girl who is going to be okay” djdjdhdh #but really! I will be!#and I am even! just taking it one day at a time #elly's posts

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wavesoutbeingtossed · 4 months

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.

#warning: rant about parent ahead #I’m so so so so so empathetic to mental health struggles #like exceedingly so #but it’s just so exhausting being on the receiving end of someone’s self-loathing #and to be clear I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE HERE #you are all my phone besties and I have so much empathy for your struggles and know that i love you all #and wish i could say the right thing to support you all always and you are always welcome to share whatever is going on #and to quote the bard herself i wish i could take the bombs in your head and disarm them #but when my mother gets into these moods she just seems to use it as a way to get a rise out of us #she’s pulling the ‘well maybe you don’t want to do x with me because it’s not fun because I’m a terrible person and you’re scared of me #and i ruin everything so maybe you would just rather i do everything alone’#and i don’t doubt she feels horrible and i know she has intrusive thoughts etc #but that is so manipulative!!!! she then puts the onus on us to reassure her that she is not!!!! But that is not what she wants!!!!#which we then do profusely and remind her that we do love her and we do do things together and whatever the fuck is the problem of the day #but of course she won’t hear it #so yes it makes us scared of her because we are always worried we’re going to say the wrong thing in a given moment!!!!#i just shut the fuck up at all times now #but my dad tries to use reason with her and of course it just ends in her lashing out and projecting all this shit on him #’oh you maybe you actually hate me maybe you want to leave me’ etc #THEY’VE BEEN MARRIED DECADES HE’S THE MOST LOYAL AND KINDEST PERSON IN THE WORLD HE NEVER ONCE HAS #i honestly don’t know how he lets this roll off his back because i am so fed up with it #It’s just so so so so hard because one minute she’s ‘herself’ and the other she’s this inferno #and we just have to ride whatever wave she’s on and it sucks all the air out of the room #it’s like the one and only time i tried to very gently bring up that something she said was hurtful *after she’d brought it up herself*#she went on a ‘oh I’m a terrible person/terrible parent’ rant and it then turned into me reassuring her that she isn’t #i was just trying to show her how the language/behaviour she uses was hurtful to me #so anyway that was lesson learned that even if she invites it i will never speak of it and luckily she hasn’t since and that was years ago #But it’s just… i know bad thoughts can’t be helped and again i feel so much pain on her behalf for what she struggles with #and i wish i could help but there’s absolutely nothing i can do #AND SHE’S GONE OFF ALL HER MEDS SO THE ONE SOURCE SHE DID HAVE ISN’T THERE ANYMORE EITHER

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anotheruntitledsong · 6 months

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i did like the hidden palace but (SPOILER if anyone hasn't read it?) i'm genuinely so annoyed at how Arbeely is handled like... I wish i could be sad but i'm just fucking irritated. I was overly invested in him and that's def why but i just feel like they did him dirty

#the golem and the jinni #i was scrolling goodreads and the take i kept seeing was 'oh I wish Arbeely could've had his family too bad the jinni FUCKED IT UP'#but idk that's just not how i read him. like thats not where i feel the problem is #his whole shtick is being content as the jinni's foil and like! things can change! but the way it's done leaves him totally unresolved #which in turn means the jinni's shit is also never getting resolved because there is like no way to #when Arbeely describes his future family in the first book it's all 'someday... vaguely...' and AGAIN! what you want can change!#and honestly it's really interesting and sad that he makes this sacrifice for the jinni #but it's a layer of complexity that like clashes with how little he is there for and how little the author's invested in him #and like the way the no marriage literally did not ruin his life at all... sure it sucked but the man is still like idk rich #what has continuously fucked with him throughout both books is that he wants (or at least spends half his page time thinking about)#emotional connection to the jinni in a human way #which is something the jinni cant\wont give him even though he's basically Arbeely's only close friend #(besides ig maryam who was rlly funny hinting at her dislike for the jinni like someone trying to get their friend to dump their toxic bf)#anyway the vibe in the first book is that he only thinks about wanting a wife when the jinni is being a dickhead #BECAUSE the jinni eases arbeelys loneliness by just being there because at the end of the day that's what humans need #but then it's made really weird in the second book by Arbeely getting 'trapped' by the jinni (and yet they just grow further apart)#which means that the only thing arbeely actually spent half his life discontent with and then literally died without is not a wife #it's emotional intimacy with the jinni. which is insane to me #arbeely is obviously already tragic but this seems TOO tragic entirely because the book doesn't give af about addressing it #if it was like a plot thing then all of the above would be fine and gutwrenching because it ties back into the jinnis self isolation #BUT IT'S NOT. like i get arbeely isn't that important to the plot but he was important to the jinni and the jinni was important to him #alsoo necessarily disclaimer i'm not trying to say he's in love with the jinni or anything like that #although a queer arbeely (divorced from the above idea) would also been interesting cuz I dont think the jinni has a grasp on homophobia #so idk theyd be keeping each others secrets (arbeely x the biscuit man? JOKE)#BUTTTT! I don't believe he needs romantic energy! him and the jinni having awful vibes up until arbeely's literal death is what bothers me #The jinni is a bad communicator ik but come on... not once? not even before the diagnosis? The jinni also thinks about how distant they are #could they not talk a little? for me? there are ways to do it within the bounds of their characters FOR SURE #im sure this is the point but i do dislike it either way. anyway sorry arbeely u remind me of my uncle #the hidden palace

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skrunksthatwunk · 8 months

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just found out rascal (babycat)'s been with his owner this whole time instead of my roommate which is. something. :|

#if you dont know whats happening basically mr and my roommate (dorms) have been raising an abused kitten belonging to our floormates #we had him for a month and a half i think and then a month of break has gone by with my roomie staying on campus and me going back home #to my prey-driven dogs and snake and cat-allergic mother among other things. hence the inability to really take him in easily.#i mean shit. if she decided to actually take care of him instead of making everyone around her into free childcare then that's a good thing #*petcare #and admittedly both me and my roommate should've been more in contact about him whether this was going on or not #we both have really bad object permanence + flow of time issues though so it kinda... didnt happen #i thought about him a lot though. i planned on coming back early to spend a few days just chilling with him before the semester started #but other stuff got in the way and i had the 'its too late so dont ask at all' guilt #idk. it seems like hes alive but i don't know much more than that rn. it makes me nervous yk #but i never thought she'd just. still have him. i never expect what she does with him tbh #i almost feel better about getting stuck and not figuring out visiting or shared custody (in my house that is Not Ideal For Him) knowing it #wasn't even really attainable but. shit.#i want her to treat him like he deserves and if she's doing that i have no right to complain. he's not my cat. he's not.#but it means she'll probably just leave with him someday. no thanks or payment or future contact. idk i just. thought this would end sooner #in taking him to a shelter or a new home or us taking him in or her putting her foot down. but instead it's like im drowning in gelatin #what am i even doing. i love him. so much. and i want a cat so so bad. i want *him* so bad.#but i didn't rescue him and i didnt even try and. god idk. i love him and i still couldn't get my ass up to visit in a whole month #i want to say it's because i was stuck and it's not untrue. but i just. idk. i still feel like i shoulda pushed through or whatever anyway.#it makes me feel like im just as bad as his owner when i know im not. im not.#he's probably a lot bigger now. assuming she's actually feeding him. god. i really thought he'd be with my roommate #for reasons im not even gonna bother getting into. and i was reassured that my roomie would tell me if something was up with him. and she #didnt. and im not mad at her it's not her fault i didn't reach out when i wanted to know. but i feel just. ough. stupid ass situation i got #myself into. stupid sad ass consequences of being nosy and big hearted and wanting to help in stupid ways #at least her dogs didnt eat him. i was worried about that. i don't think i could take it if she got him killed and i didn't push harder to #help him. but i can't just fucking. kidnap him. he's not mine and we're neighbors and i can't even keep him at my home. not really.#god i miss him so much. i hope i didn't hurt him by leaving. fucking hell.#but he needs somebody and his owner is almost certainly not it. and maybe im not either but i want to try for him. man.

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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#ay ay ay. i dont wanna do my job so bad. it makes me so unhappy also i fucked up a thing by letting someone take part of a culture when i #shouldnt have. it happened so many months ago that i fucking forgot abt it and then the person emailed me abt when we received the stain and #i thought it was someone from another project so i cc'd my boss who was like. wait. what the fuck is this? and now its like oops sorry but #like wtf am i supposed to do abt it now? she askrd me to take some when i was rushing out of someone else's lab and i was like what? sure.#whatever i dont give a fuck i feel like im dying every second i stand in this room. i didnt even think to ask to share it which is what i #should have done. oops. cant do anything abt it now other than feel abt abt causing drama between labs. ugh.#i just wanna cut all ties with my old work. theres no joy there. only pain and anger. which makes it hard to work with it but the sooner i #do. the sooner i dont have to fucking deal with it anymore. ugh. also i really need to find a therapist but my insurance changes in like 18 #days so i might as well wait for the semester to start. ugh. like i can feel the pull of my bad habits trying to drag me down and i dont kno #how to stop them. like its weird. i noticed while my parents were here. they can just do things and enjoy stuff. and everytime i do #something i feel like im holding my breath the entrie time waiting for it to be over and for what? its not like i had other stuff to do #i just needed to kno when things were gonna end and i dont deal well with flexible situations. which makes it hard to do things. so its #like do i succumb to my control freak lil bubble of not doing anything and being miserable or do things outside my comfort zone and be #miserable? one of those things is way easier. plus i dont even kno anyone here so its like wtf do i do?#try to make friends with my sometimes roommate maybe. i just need to corner her and be like hey i need to establish a dialog with u so i can #tell u that if i seem like a weird hermit im not trying to b standoffish i just dont kno how to do human interaction well. can we b friends?#id like to b friends but if i dont talk now then ill get stuck not talking ever. which is whats happened with past roommates... god my 1st #roommate must have thought i was so fucking weird. ugh. point is. these bad habits must stop. and i really need to get work done so i can #never think abt that shit ever again. at least now that ive moved i can run up the side of a mountain when im frustrated #unrelated

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yuribalisms · 1 year

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Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that

#I’m going to be depressing and self depreciating in the tags so. fair warning to anyone who reads them #I’ve known for a while now that I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve thought of a few ideas but none of them seem to be working. and I #think a good chunk of what it’s boiling down to is that I am quite literally just stupid when it comes to an actual useful real life skills.#and it’s frustrating because I can’t even talk to ppl I know and confide in them that I feel dumb and stupid without them being like ‘nooooo #don’t say that! you’re not stupid! you were top of your class in hs!’ (that is their favorite thing to fall back on) but like. the thing is #I wasn’t even smart in hs. sure I did good but that’s because I cheated my way through and got lucky a lot. I never actually learned anythin #I never understood what I was being taught or how to apply it. I was good at English and art classes and that was it those were the only one #I truly felt I knew what I was doing in and grasped the subject matter well. I know I’m good at those two things and smart when it comes to #those subjects. but the thing is. in real life. both of those are useless skills. I can’t make money with them and it is highly unlikely #that will ever change. and yes I know not being able to make money with it doesn’t mean it’s useless but like it kinda does. capitalism #sucks. I know that. we all do. but that doesn’t change that we live in a capitalist society and it’s unlikely to actual change in my lifetim #so I’m stuck to try and figure out how to live in it. but I have no skills I can make money with so I will live my entire life poor and #miserable and working dead end jobs that make me want to kill myself. I’m not good at socialization I’m so fucking bad at it so I can’t work #any kind of job that hinges on networking or sales or human interaction which is MOST JOBS but I’m also too stupid for anything related to #STEM. I tried two different stem degrees and flunked out of both of them because I am a FUCKING IDIOT and I know there’s no point in trying #to go back to school for another one. but no degree in anything I naturally have a knack for will help me find a decent well paying job. ill #just be wasting my money to go to school for something like that. and then like. I don’t even think I’ll ever get married and I def won’t #ever have kids. so I can’t even put any hopeful stock in just being happy with a family one day. I know a lot of ppl who don’t like their #careers but they’re fine with that because they’re happy with their family but like I don’t even have that and I won’t ever have that. I #have NOTHING to strive for and NOTHING I am good at that’s meaningful I’m going to fail at having a career and a family and I know that #doesn’t mean I won’t be happy in theory but by societal standards I am and always will be a fucking failure of a person and since I do live #in this society yeah. it’s kinda fucking true. and I don’t know what to do about that. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and #struggling and going through patches of wanting to kill myself because of this because like what’s the point. I’ll never have anything #better so what in the actual hell is the point of me existing. and I know I’m being ridiculous and my brain is eating itself and none of #this is probably even true but that doesn’t change that it FEELS like it is a lot of times and esp right now and I don’t know what to do #to anyone who reads this I’ll be fine tbh prob as soon as tomorrow like dw about it I just need to get it out so I stop stewing in it.#I’m just. yeah. not having a great time rn but I left work so I’m gonna cry and then maybe sleep for a bit and hope that helps #kaz rambles

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miodiodavinci · 1 year

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ouhghgh , , , reached the point where my throat is in so much pain i can't sleep, even with cough drops , , , , i keep waking up every hour coughing so hard i start to throw up by the end , , , , it looks like my fever might finally be going down (original peak of 100.9, now down to 98.8) but god , , , , the agony , , , , , ,

#i gotta sleep too because i have a mandatory orientation at 9am tomorrow #(online conference thank god)#i'm just. frustrated and feeling helpless.#laid into my brother a bit over discord when he gave me a non-apology when i told him to keep this whole mess in mind #next time he plans on leaving his mask at home #i want to feel better soon ; ; ; ;#i have work i need to do and notes i need to take and i miss my partner a lot ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;#i'm constantly thinking about how much of my room is just coated in covid particles at this point #and how hard it'll be to disinfect all of it when it comes time to end quarantine ; ; ;#i'm trying to cover my coughs but when i'm literally choking to the point that i'm practically retching into my trash can it's. hard;;;#ughghg ; ; ;#i'm frustrated i'm frustrated i'm frustrated ; ; ;#i want to go back in time and yell at my brother a hundred different times for all the stupid selfish ways he's been so careless #“ough this has just never happened before even during all the other times i've gone without a mask :(((”#“it seems my bad luck and poor immune system just got the better of me :(((”#just say you've gotten bold and careless and that this was just one huge risk in a long string of risks you've been taking since day one #you figured you were immune to consequences and now i'm paying the toll #couldn't even get him to promise to take a mask with him everywhere from now on until i laid into him for several minutes . . .#. . .

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shopcat · 2 years

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i think Perhaps like remember toast potent and that massive public breakdown about the surgery scars and all their favourite anime boys have huge dicks and swinging balls. i think maybe people find it hard to seperate being trans from their own dysphoria and so seeing a character they have found comfort in or even projected some sort of ideal self or gender envy on as trans is upsetting bc then they imagine them with the same dysphoric mindset does that make sense. like a switch flips somewhere and suddenly that character is now "a girl" "as well" because of.. dysphoria. and everything else reminds them of it. BUT FOR ME personally it just adds to it and they're still the same GUY just also yknow. Like me. and it's always small stuff too like in the same way it's not a big part of MY life it's just A part LIKE top surgery scars or a binder or hrt or literally just dialogue or clothing. and i tend to get most of my own positive thinking towards transness through the filter of these characters so in a way it's been like a certain kind of foundational in my own self image other than other real live trans ppl just existing obv. but it's fun it's just a headcanon end of the day like anything.

#🐾#was talking abt trans hcs like 30 different times today seems to be a hot topic #like i've never not seen trans fanart that hasn't made me like so insanely over the moon it gets me every time without fail and always will #also i think that particular line of thinking is well obviously not healthy and can backfire very quickly #and i've seen hundreds of transmascs project their own dysphoria and then get mad when WE get mad #like YOU feeling bad about something doesn't acruallg mean ANYTHING not to be harsh it's just true. it only matters to you #like that ridiculous bullshit where someone will be like seeing people with top surgery scars just upsets me bc it reminds me of my own #chest dysphoria OR because i can't get it at this time or maybe ever like okay go gargle some rocks idc . loser #IDK i guess end of the day this all ties into real gender issues which vary from person to person and no one has any authority on #let alone ME !#i just personally think when ppl perhaps idealise the cis body too much it can obviously end up in self esteem spirals and such #and i personally try to focus more on how every body as in Physical body is .. unique and different holds fat different #there's no one way to be fem or masc even if there's a society typical way #and even that society typical way is far broader than u would probably think or assume idk #plus how i've seen way more cis men w my body type than not even pre t #Agh... Wwll this got long 👍

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