#even when the piece of media starts to suck i’ll keep subjecting myself to it against my better judgment.

[jeanmoreaux]

Can tiktok pls die

Literally I feel insane that not more people are actually trying to actively get word around that it’s just brainrot and people (unintentionally—-or intentionally) ridiculing themselves (this does not include some healthcare and nonharmful hobbies related to art at the very least)

I’m rambling but do u feel me I’m losing my mind

Like what’s so cool about dancing in front of your phone like a teletubby. It looks and is stupid

“dancing infront of your phone like a teletubby” 😭😭 i am cackling omg!!!!!! but yeah i agree a lot of the tiktok content i have seen through other people or on here/on youtube is mind-numbingly dumb. and a lot is also just straight up rotting people’s brains (i don’t think i have to talk about how easy it is to spread misinformation or radical content). there’s some good stuff on there too (good educational content or funny skits) that should reach a wide audience, i guess (i just see the peer reviewed stuff). idk i feel like since i have never been active on tiktok, i don’t even really know how bad it is, but what i see from the outside is enough to make me want to keep my distance. there is a part of me that understands the appeal of it, but personally it doesn’t scratch an itch for me. there is absolutely nothing that tiktok offers that i couldn’t get from somewhere else, so it has been very easy for me to stay away from it. additionally, i have zero chill for content that doesn’t satisfy a need i have. idk i just get so easily bored with hollow media. it’s the same with shows or youtube: i immediately lose interest and move on if i am not emotionally invested in something. like, ‘i’ll not only move on but i’ll switch mediums because i didn’t care for two videos in a row’ level kind of bad.

[pigeonsatdawn]

law school ep 15 (and solhwi overall)

gonna put in my two cents for the line that singlehandedly caused the solhwi nation to implode.

(apologies in advanced because my thoughts are too messy for me to neatly put it in a post but i want to say it anyway—also this is just the way i view solhwi so please don't come screaming at me if you disagree!)

i'm a diehard solhwi shipper and i love their relationship, and think they have one of the best relationships out there in the fictional world, and also definitely one of the healthiest. but to me, their relationship extends far beyond the romantic relationships we so often see portrayed in media.

kim beom said in one interview that this relationship between HJH and KS is kin to that of a soulmate relationship that's not necessarily romance, and i find myself agreeing with that notion. while soulmates are typically used to describe romantic partnerships, it doesn't necessarily have to start with romance. (many people have pointed this out in other posts so i won't go further down the fact that HJH x KS's relationship is a friends-to-lovers slow burn but you get me.)

but in fact, this bond between soulmates (or at least how i define it), in my opinion, is far beyond what we usually see in romance. as in, it's not just someone you like, but it's someone whose changed your life in a certain way. i know some may be averse to the idea of having to change for the one you love because loving is the notion of accepting someone in spite of the person's flaws, but what i mean is that when you love someone in this way, you want to change because of them. you see them, and they inspire you, and you grow in your own way. once again—growth is a very subjective idea, and even for HJH and KS we can see them grow in different directions—but we can clearly see how they have impacted each others' lives.

it's quite obvious, imo, how KS's life has been impacted by HJH's. she's,, not the "smartest" out there, and we can't deny that. we know she probably won't make it through law school if not for HJH's help. HJH is always there, a step ahead of KS, but he's not just being proud about it, instead opting to help her understand what the laws are and why they are the way they are, which KS especially needs, being a particularly empathic person. but we've also seen that HJH has helped KS beyond simply academics. he's always been there to protect her—almost all their interactions have proven that (the camera outside her house, the hungover soup, the switching seats—i think literally everything?..?..?.??). maybe she doesn't necessarily need protection, but surely thanks to his protection she's much better than she might've been without, especially knowing her terribly miserable life.

but i often wonder why HJH is so heart-eyes of KS of all people. i mean, i know love is love and sometimes you just catch feelings, but i believe there's more meaning behind their relationship than meets the eye. like you don't just look at someone so lovingly for it to be just a crush, y'know? the first reason that comes to mind is clearly simply KS's amicable personality. she definitely stands out: she's not that intelligent, struggling and barely surviving, but she has insane passion to pull through even despite truth attacks (like SJH saying she should reconsider her life decisions, saying that a chance of passing isn't something to be proud of, etc). she treats everything with such a positive outlook, and, well, KS is just an adorable human, so it's hard not to have a little crush her.

what makes KS stand out most, the core of her personality, is that she has hope, despite everything. she's been through shit because of her circumstances—left by her twin sister without a word, been in juvie, has no money to deal with it—you know, entire backstory. but instead she fights her weakness, even though she feel like it should've been her sister, even though she's not smart enough, because she has to do this. she keeps going, even though things keep turning out for the worse for her, holding hope when circumstances are most dire. but why? because she strives for justice. she doesn't want to be wronged. she wants the law to own up its mistakes, wants to make sure the law gets its own revenge. that's why she wants to work in law, yeah? and so she keeps fighting, even when hope seems lost.

okay but why did i mention this? because i think this is what HJH sees in KS. why? because this is what he needs.

HJH had lost hope. in an episode (i don't remember which), he mentioned he doesn't trust anyone, and it's obvious why: his uncle. it's the worst kind of betrayal that causes your ideals being burned down. he realized that even people who work in law can be corrupt, people who he thought he could trust above all others, people who seemed utterly good. and then he just begins to regard everyone with baseline amity, and no further. many have pointed out he doesn't have real friends (other than KS), even though he looks outgoing and friendly. it's not quite shown, but it must've been lonely. and a lonely fight, trying to prove that he will be a better prosecutor than his uncle was. and we know that HJH's nature as a person is to be calculating, objective, seeing things through facts and statistics; it's what makes him so intelligent. what that also makes him is realistic, and more often than not, that is almost equal to pessimistic—because reality just... sucks, as has been proven by the betrayal of his uncle. and further into the drama we see only more corrupt people in the business, so we certainly don't get out hopes fueled.

there's scarcely anyone in what we see who's actually pursuing law because they're passionate about the law, or if they are, they're not often very... human in doing it. examples: YJH, SJH, KSB are all very cold and indifferent types, people who really just come and do what they do, focus on studies (in the case of YJH, his teaching), and interactions with others are treated as "lesser". SJH and KSB in particular—they're good at the law, sure, but they seem to prioritize their position in law first and foremost. SJH and KSB don't hesitate to call out their losses, and even would rather not intervene for justice if it meant their position would be compromised. not that they're bad characters, not at all; i mentioned them simply to compare them to KS, who, despite not having the brains to do half the things she's supposed to do and earning herself nosebleeds everytime she tries, still does what she does for justice, passionately, hopefully, all for righteousness.

okay this was longer than i intended WHEW so i'll cut to the chase: long story short, HJH needs KS because KS gives him hope. hope of a humanity where people actually work in law and choose to fight for justice against all odds, even if the system itself is infiltrated by filth and corruption. KS is someone who, in her first lecture, was grilled the fuck out by Yangcrates, yet the first thing she does after she nearly throws her guts out is ask HJH whether he can tutor her. she does not ever lose hope, and that, truly, is what stands out to HJH, what he needs.

and KS needs HJH because he is her hope as well! hope by itself does no good if you can't actually do something about it, and KS knows this. HJH, despite seemingly just being someone to help her in her studies, is someone she needs if she wants to achieve her goals, if she wants to get back on the law the right way. which is why, in the end, KS and HJH are, while independent in their own way, dependent on each other in terms of their growth—KS gives HJH hope in humanity, HJH helps KS realize (make real) her hopes that would have been dreams if not for her.

oh my god i've rambled on this long without stating my point: THE DAMN LINE.

HJH saying he owes her makes sense in this light because, indeed, KS's positive outlook in everything keeps him going. it gives him a reason to keep wanting to work in law, because she is a reason to believe in goodness and justice, that there will be people who keep fighting for justice against all odds. he owes this to her—and perhaps that is why he goes all out to help her achieve that hope, perhaps that's why he goes out of his way to care for her. because they are each other's missing puzzle piece, the other half. soulmates.

sigh ok this was long ONE FINAL POINT. everyone has their own opinion on a solwhi ending, so i might as well chip in mine.

certainly, as a solhwi shipper, i want them to end up together. i believe they're really the best of soulmates, two people who just complement each other so well. but in the current timeline, them having a romantic relationship out of the blue would be,,, simply unnecessary, imo. they're still very much in the stage of friendship, and are both dealing with their own personal baggage, that shoving a romance would just take away the focus from their growth. i personally think even this platonic relationship is already a beautiful one, one that outshines many of the romances i've watched, even without having to flood everything under the romance light—which i think many can agree with me, seeing as how solhwi is shipped so much. i still want to see them end up together, though, so SEASON TWO LAW SCHOOL MANIFESTATION. please please please directors writers make it happen i am begging you. thank you.

sorry for this long ass post, thank you if you do read it and leave any thoughts! again this is just my opinion, you're free to let me know if you think differently or anything, or shoot me a message if you want to scream about solhwi or whatever i'm just solhwi brainrot 24/7 🤸🏻‍♀️

[atlafan]

Office Neighbors - Part Nine

a/n: more Andy angst, some embarrassing dad moments, and the ski trip, not proofread (reblogs and feedback are super helpful!)

warnings: slight angst, fluff, and smut

words: 17K

masterpost

Caroline had started coming to some of Andy’s basketball games, which you could tell went right up Brandon’s ass because Andy would want to talk with her after the game. She was his girlfriend now, though, so what could Andy do? It was really sweet, he told you all about how he asked her out, and not Harry. He had called her and just asked her if she wanted to be his girlfriend and she said yes immediately.

“Do you wanna meet my dad?” Andy asks her after his game.

“Yeah!”

He takes her hand and walks her over to where all of the parents were sitting and talking while all of the boys got their things together.

“Dad, this is Caroline.”

“Oh! Hi, it’s nice to meet you.” He extends his hand for her to shake and she blushes. She gives Andy a funny look.

“What?”

“You didn’t say your dad was British…”

“Oh, well sometimes I forget, honestly.”

You burst out laughing at that and try to compose yourself as Harry side eyes you.

“Anyways…” Harry says. “I’ve heard so many good things. You’re from Maine?”

“Mhm, we just moved here, and-“

“Caroline.” Mrs. Stearn comes walking over to the group. “We need to go, you still have homework to do.”

“Oh, sorry, Mom, I was just saying hello to Mr. Styles, you know, Andy’s dad.”

“Hi.” He smiles at her and shakes her hand. “You just started at the university, right? Y/N and I are professors in the CM department.”

“Oh! Yes, I’m in the Psychology department. My husband also just started there. He’s the new Director of Operations for the IT department.”

“Wow.” You say, impressed.

“So, you’re the woman who chaperoned their first couple of dates?” Mrs. Stearn smirks.

“That would be me, yeah.” You smile. “Harry was in London at the time.”

“Well, I appreciate it, honestly. I felt terrible we couldn’t really have Andy over since we were still unpacking. We sort of still are. We’ll have a housewarming at some point.” She sighs and looks at Caroline. “Ready to go, honey?”

“Mhm, bye, Andy.”

“Bye.” They smile at each other before her and her mother head out.

“She seems nice, tired, but nice.” You say. “She has three other daughters all in high school.”

“That can definitely be tiring.” Harry chuckles. “Are you ready?” He says to Andy.

“Let me just say bye to Brandon.” Andy races over to Brandon to say goodbye before you all head out.

“Andy, you played so well. You’re good at everything.” You say in the car.

“I actually sucked at basketball when I first started. Mr. Stewart is just a really good coach. Brandon taught me how to skateboard too. He’s the one that’s good at everything.”

“You’ve shown him some art tricks.” Harry points out.

“True. Art starts up this week, I’m so excited. We get to do more clay stuff, I can’t wait.”

“Maybe we could go to that pottery paint place sometime.” You say. “We could go on a little double date.” You wink at Harry.

“Yeah! Can we, Dad?”

“Sure.” Harry shrugs. “Sounds like fun.”

“And you said we could go ice skating, Saturday, don’t forget.”

“Don’t worry, we’re all set to go to the free skate at the university.” He looks at you. “You’re still coming, yeah?”

“Mhm, although, I can’t promise I’ll stay on my feet for very long. I’m not a strong skater.” You laugh.

“I’ll keep you steady.” He puts his hand on your thigh and gives it a squeeze. Andy rolls his eyes not that either of you see.

//

Syllabus week was alive and well. Your classes were off to a good start, which you were thankful for. Many of the students had gotten to know you by now, so you were starting to see some repeat faces. It gave you a major boost of confidence. It was time for your meeting with Lisa. You had sent her everything you had so she could look it all over beforehand.

“Lisa?” You tap on the outside of her office door.

“Come in, Y/N!” She beams. ��Please have a seat.” You nod and close the door before sitting down. “How was your break? I know we spoke a bit during the faculty meeting, but we didn’t really get to catch up.”

“Oh, it was good. Got a lot done, relaxed a little.”

“That’s great. I heard you got to spend some time with little Andy while Harry was in London?”

“I did.” You nod. “It was some good quality time.”

“I’m sure everyone says it to you, but I just think it’s so wonderful you and Harry got together. You’re such a great pair.”

“Oh, um, thank you.”

“Anyways, let’s get down to it, shall we? What you have so far is really good. You’re very articulate in your writing. It’s clear and concise. I think anyone who’s not up on the times of social media and anonymity would be able to follow along, but it’s also no to so low level that someone who does know about the subject would be bored, I appreciate that a lot.”

“Thank you, I was worried it almost sounded condescending.”

“Not at all. It’s good that you have those pockets of extra explanation.” You nod at her. “Keep doing what you’re doing, and I think you’ll have an excellent piece of writing here. However, you also need to be thinking about how you’ll defend yourself during your presentation. You need to start thinking of a committee. Obviously Harry can’t be on it, but I’m sure you know that.”

“Right, major conflict of interest.” You chuckle.

“Exactly.” She chuckles too. “I think Sandra would be a good person to start with. I wouldn’t suggest Janette either since you’re close with her. I’ll obviously be on the committee too. I think some people from the English department could be good as well.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll definitely start thinking of some people. At least Harry can help me with the presentation aspect of things. He’s such a good presenter.”

“He definitely is, that’s an excellent idea.”

You felt better than you thought after your meeting with Lisa, you were practically floating through the halls as you made your way back to your office. After you sit for a few minutes, you look up and see Harry standing in your doorway.

“Hey.” You smile.

“Hi…got a few minutes?”

“Sure! Come on in.”

“Great.” He closes the door and sits down in front of your desk.

“What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk to you about Andy’s February break. It’s about a month away, and I know it would be a lot to ask you to cancel your classes for that week, but I’d like if you joined us.”

“Oh, wow, um…would I have fun? I don’t know how to ski, Har.”

“They have beginning adult lessons! I could take one with you so you wouldn’t be alone either.”

“You’d let Andy go off on his own?”

“Well…he wouldn’t be alone…here’s the catch.” He chews the inside of his cheek. “We all had a lot of fun last year, making the trip more of a blended family thing, it was good bonding for everyone, and-“

“You want me to go on a ski trip with you, your son, your ex, her fiancé, and his daughter? Is that what you’re asking me?”

“Yes.”

You lean back in your chair and let a breath out. You go to speak, but nothing comes out. You keep rethinking what you want to say.

“Harry, I-“

“Don’t say no yet. Think about it, yeah? I’d really like it if you were there.”

“That just feels really serious, and you and I haven’t even talked about where this is all going yet.”

“Where what is all going?”

“Our relationship.”

“I thought it was pretty obvious, I didn’t think we needed to have a conversation about it. We always say little things about the future, thought we were solid.”

“We are, but there are things we haven’t exactly discussed.”

“Like what?”

“Like…um, like, Jesus, I can’t talk about this here.” You pinch the bridge of your nose. “We’re at work, now isn’t the time.”

“Neither of us have classes for the rest of the day, just talk to me.”

“Harry, I wanna have kids someday, not that I don’t love Andy, and not that I wouldn’t treat him as my own, but I would like to have a baby myself, and I have no idea if you want that too. You could easily not want to do the baby thing again, and I’d like to know that sooner rather than later.”

“If I didn’t are you saying you would break things off? Andy and I wouldn’t be enough?”

“Maybe for a little while, but I feel like I’d become resentful. There’s this piece of me I feel really deep inside myself that’s missing, you know? I know in the grand scheme of things we haven’t been together that long, so I know it’s a lot to be talking about this now, but-“

“No, I get it…you’re valid.” He sighs.

“And I wouldn’t want you to just say yes to me because you want me around. I don’t wanna have a kid with someone that doesn’t want that kid.”

“It would be such a big age difference…Andy would be at college by the time the kid would even know he has a brother, and Andy would just feel like another parent. Wouldn’t even be able to enjoy having a little sibling, would he?” He was more so just thinking out loud because he wasn’t looking at you as he spoke, but then he makes eye contact with you. “How many do you think you’d want to have?”

“Um, I don’t know…two maybe?”

“You, you want to have two of my children?”

“I’d like you to be the father, yeah.” You chuckle. You didn’t really know the weight this carried in Harry’s heart. This was very serious to him. “I’m not in love with anyone else last time I checked.”

“So you want it all with me, then? Marriage, house, kids?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Wow.” He sits back and looks off again.

“There’s no rush or anything, I just want us to be on the same page and make sure we want the same things.”

“No, that’s totally fair, Y/N.” He plucks at his bottom lip as he looks at you. “You realize in order to have all that you’d have to move in with us at some point.” You nod at him. “How do you feel about that? Do you like my house enough to want to live there? I don’t particularly want to move…”

“I love your house! And I have some design ideas that could make it more ours at some point. I think it’s the perfect size.”

“Maybe I should invest in that pool then…” Again, he was just thinking out loud. “I…I could see myself having more kids.” He says, looking at you now. His gaze could be so intimidating sometimes. It was the shape of his eyebrows, he could look so fucking scary.

“Really?” You ask as softly as you can.

“Yeah.” He smiles at you. “If it’s with you, yeah.”

“Oh, Harry.” Your eyes were starting to water. You get up and sit sideways on his lap, hugging him.

“We’re at work, Y/N.”

“Don’t care.” You kiss his cheek and hold him close to you. He holds you just as close, rocking you slightly. His eyes were watery too.

“When, um, when do you think you’d wanna move in?”

“God, I don’t know…my lease is up in July, maybe then?”

“You’d wanna wait that long?”

“I think I should so I can still focus on my work, it’s my quiet space.”

“Okay, that’s fair.” He sighs. “Even though you’ve been staying over more and more.” He smirks at you. “Lot of money to pay for a quiet space.”

“If I feel like I should move in sooner then we can talk about it, but right now I think July is good.”

“Alright, July it is.” He pecks your lips. “Now, what about February break?”

“God, won’t it be awkward?”

“No.” He shrugs. “I had fun last year. You’ve seen how spacious the cabin is, we’d have our own section of the house, so would Noah and Paige, and the kids would stay in the bunk room. Plenty of privacy.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you and you smack his shoulder.

“You’re fucking crazy if you think I’m gonna get busy with you under the same roof as all those people.”

“So, is that a yes?”

“It’s a very reluctant yes.”

He kisses you again.

“You’ll have a great time, I promise.”

“You better not laugh at me when I fall a ton on those skis.”

“You learned how to hike no problem, you’ll be a pro at skiing before you know it.”

“Harry…” You stand up. “Walking up a mountain at a leisurely pace is a lot different than zipping down a snowy mountain.”

“So you’ll stick to the bunny trails.” He shrugs and stands up as well. “God, you’re gonna look so sexy in all that gear.”

“Yeah, the helmet hair is gonna be a major turn on.” You roll your eyes.

“Fuck, I better leave before I get a stiffy just thinking about it.” He winks at you and steps out as you shake your head at him.

“Moron.” You laugh to yourself as you sit back down at your desk. You chew on your bottom lip and text Nora immediately.

//

Saturday rolls around, and you meet up with everyone at the ice arena to go ice skating. Afternoon free skate was something a lot of community members went to, not so much the college students. You smile when you see Harry inside helping Andy and Caroline lace up their skates.

“Hi, Y/N!” Andy says, waving at you.

“Hi.” You sit down on the bench next to Andy and kick your boots.

“Alright, you two are all set, go on.” Harry smiles at Andy and Caroline.

They stand up and hold hands as they walk over to the entrance for the ice. Harry looks up at you and you have grin on your face.

“What?”

“Gonna lace my skates for me too, Daddy?” You bat your lashes at him and his cheeks flush.

“Don’t be a brat.” He mutters as he stands to sit next to you. “And if you really need help I will, but I’m done crouching.” He pulls your leg between his once you get the skates on. You’re almost mesmerized by watching his strong hands pull the laces nice and tight. “Next.” He says as you switch legs. “Your hat’s cute.”

“Thanks, it’s one of my favorites.”

“Your hair looks pretty with it like that.” He mumbles as he finishes your laces. You bite your lip and lean in close to him.

“I’ll tell you a secret.” You whisper and his eyes flick to your eyes. “You don’t need to butter me up, you’re gonna get laid later.”

You hadn’t been over much in the last few days so you could get some work done, and you knew Harry was missing you physically. You just catch his pupils widen from your words.

“Is it such a crime for a guy to compliment his girlfriend?” He scoffs, trying to play it cool.

“Not at all.” You peck his lips and lean back so he can stand up. He puts his hands out for you and you stand. “Whoa.”

“Alright?”

“Yeah, just don’t let go of me.” You clutch at his shoulders.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Andy and Caroline were happily skating around like it was nothing. It seemed like they were racing each other. Harry was happy to see them having such a good time. He gets you gliding on the ice, but your hands stay in his.

“Do you know how to roller skate? You just move your legs the same way.”

“That’s on pavement with wheels, not blades on ice.” You say as you look down.

“I’ve got an idea, hang onto my hips and I’ll lead you around.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

He turns around, and you grip onto his love handles (let’s face it, Harry has no hips), and he starts moving forward while you just glide along. You giggle here and there because it really is a lot of fun. It was also impressive that he didn’t seem tired just pulling you along.

“Your dad and Y/N are really cute.” Caroline says to Andy.

“Huh?” He looks over at the two of you. Your arms were now just wrapped around Harry’s neck from behind and he had to lean down a bit because he was so much taller than you. You were laughing really hard. “Yeah, they are.” Andy shakes his head. “They’re really goofy.”

“You’re goofy too.” She nudges his shoulder. “You always make me laugh.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you’re, like, super funny.”

“I am, aren’t I?” He smirks and it makes her laugh. “Come on.” He takes her hand and they continue to skate around the perimeter of the rink.

“Y/N, you’re starting to choke me.” Harry says and you let go of him.

“And here I was thinking you liked that, my bad.”

“Y/N.” He pulls you to the side as you laugh. “If Andy ever heard you, I-“

“Relax, he’s a little preoccupied.” You nod over to him and Caroline skating in a circle, holding hands and laughing. Harry looks at them and then you, and you kiss his cold nose.

“I’m gonna help you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” He has you face forward and he put his hands on your hips (because you actually have hips), and he pushes you forward. “It’ll be like teaching a kid to ride a bike, just glide one foot at time with me.”

“Okay, but don’t let go like a parent would while teaching a kid to learn how to a ride a bike, I’ll never forgive you. All trust between us would be gone.”

“Okay, okay, Jesus.”

You end up getting the hang of it enough where you and Harry and can just hold hands and skate around. You stay close to the walls, but still, you’re doing it.

“Hey, Dad?” Andy says, skating over to you both. “Can I have some money for hot chocolate? We’re gonna take a break.”

“Sure.” He reaches into his pocket for his wallet, and takes out ten dollars for Andy. “Figured we could go downtown for a slice after, so don’t fill up.”

“Alright! Thanks.”

You sort of wished you could just pull Harry in for a kiss, and even make out with him, but you couldn’t with all the families around. You’d just have to wait. It doesn’t stop you from kissing his cheek every so often though. Harry didn’t mind one bit, he loved it when you were a little more affectionate in public.

“I told Andy you were in for the ski trip, by the way.” He mentions nonchalantly.

“Oh? Is he excited?”

“Very, he nearly squealed.” He chuckles. “I’ll tell Paige Friday when she comes to pick him up.”

“Why not just text her?”

“Eh.” He shrugs. “It can wait. I don’t really feel the need to chat with her all the time, you know?”

“Right, makes sense.”

Your ankles were killing you by the time you got your skates off, but you didn’t let on about it because everyone else seemed fine. You follow Harry downtown in your car to the pizza place, and sit in the booth with the kids while he gets all the food.

“Andy, why don’t you go help your dad carry everything over?”

“Okay.” He slides out and you smile as he does so. “Did you have fun with him earlier?” You ask Caroline.

“Yeah! I always have fun with Andy. He’s really nice.”

“I’m glad you both get along so well.”

“Me too, I was sort of hoping he’d ask me to be his girlfriend, I was so excited when he did.”

“I know he was excited to ask you.”

Harry and Andy come over with four slices of pizza, and a liter of diet and plastic cups. Harry snatches some napkins as well before sliding in next to you. The table was quiet as you all ate. It dawns on you that maybe you and Harry should have sat in a different booth to give the kids some more privacy, but it would look weird now to get up and move.

“Do they have free skate like that a lot?” Caroline asks.

“Yeah! Even throughout the summer since it’s an indoor rink.” Harry says.

“Good to know, I bet my sisters would wanna go sometime.”

“What grades are they all in?” You ask.

“My oldest sister, Emma, is a senior, and I think she’s planning on going to the university for school next year. My parents even said she could live there so she could get the full experience. And then my other sisters, Sophie and Charlotte are twins, they’re sophomores. I was sort of a surprise.” She giggles.

“Most kids are.” Harry says with a smile. “Good surprises though.” He leans forward to pinch Andy’s cheek and Andy swats his hand away immediately.

“That’s exciting that Emma wants to come to our school. I think we have a great curriculum across the board.” You say and the kids just blink at you. “Um, we have some great professors is all I mean.”

After pizza, you tell Harry you’ll meet him back at his place since he needed to bring Caroline home. Andy walks her to her door and they hug goodbye.

“I had a lot of fun today, Andy.”

“Me too. Um, we were thinking of going to that pottery place where you can’t paint stuff sometime. Is that something you think you’d wanna do?” He rubs the back of his neck.

“Definitely.” She smiles and hugs him again. This time she lingers and gives him a light peck on the cheek. “See you Monday.”

“Yeah…see you Monday.”

Harry saw the whole thing, and he was trying not to laugh at his wide eyed son as he came back to the car.

“Did you see?”

“I did.” Harry says as he backs out of the driveway.

“She kissed my cheek.”

“It was very nice of her.”

Andy presses his fingers where she had kissed him.

“Should I have done it to her?”

“Only if you felt like it.”

“I didn’t think she was gonna…I mean…wow.” He sighs happily. “Wait until I tell Brandon.”

You were inside the house already, reading something on your phone on the couch as you waited for them. You look up when you hear the door open. Andy’s face was flushed, but he had a smile on his face. He goes right to his room and closes his door.

“What happened?” You ask as Harry plops down next to you.

“Got a little smooch on the cheek, and now he needs to discuss the whole thing with Brandon.”

“How cute!” You pout. “Sorry I missed it.”

“I was really cute. She’s smooth, she went in for another hug and pecked him.”

“Ah, so he walked her to the door?”

“Course he did, I didn’t raise a degenerate.” Harry scoffs and you laugh. You snuggle up to him as he puts an arm around you.

“No, you certainly didn’t.” Harry kisses the top of your head and flips the TV on.

You were itching for some true alone time with Harry, so around eight you tell them both that you’re a little tired, and that you were going to turn in early. Harry watches as you go down the hall to his room.

“Andy, uh, why don’t you watch TV on your laptop in your room?”

“Why?”

“Because the noise from the TV could keep Y/N up. In fact, I might turn in early too. All the fun today really tuckered me out.”

“Whatever.” Andy shrugs and gets up to go to his room.

Harry plays it cool, not wanting to seem too eager, as he walks slowly behind him into his own room. He walks in and sees you just laying on the bed scrolling on your phone. He locks the door and comes over to you.

“You don’t look like you’re going to bed.”

“I just said that to get you to come in here, glad you picked up on the hint.” You set your phone down, and he takes his glasses off. The second he’s on the bed you’re straddling him. “Where’s Andy?”

“I told him to go watch TV on his computer.”

You grin and lean down to kiss him. You suck on his top lip first and then his bottom. His hands slide down to your ass, and he tries to get his hands inside your jeans to untuck your shirt, but he gives you a wedgie by accident.

“Oh! Stop!” You sit up.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m wearing a fucking bodysuit.”

“Oh shit, sorry.” He chuckles. “I was gonna say your shirt’s really stuck in there.”

“I wanna kiss for a bit before we get naked, is that okay?”

“Yeah.” He smiles and cups your cheek, bringing you back down to him.

You lick in his mouth and roll your hips down on his. His hands splay across your back as he keeps you close. You kiss along his jaw, and sponge kisses to his neck. You know you can sink your teeth in, so you just lick and suck gently. He moans softly as you grind against him.

“Y/N.” He groans. “Can we get naked now?”

//

Friday evening Paige swings by to pick up Andy for the weekend. She comes in to not be out in the cold. You were hanging out in some sweats since you couldn’t wait to change after you got home from work.

“Hi, Y/N.” Paige smiles.

“Hi, how are you?”

“I’m good, thanks. Ready to go?” She says to Andy as he comes out with his duffle.

“Mhm, hi, Mum.” He gives her a quick hug.

“Hi, honey.”

“So, Paige, uh, Y/N’s gonna join us in a few weeks up at the cabin.” Harry says as he walks closer to her with his hands in his pockets.

“Oh, that’s great! Y/N, you’re gonna have so much fun. We ski up at Cranmore, it’s a fantastic mountain.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“I’ll tell Noah and Rachel the second I get home.”

“What’s Gram gonna do while we’re there?” Andy asks.

“Auntie Allie and Uncle Ned are gonna come stay with her. She’ll be all taken care of.”

Andy nods and says goodbye to you and Harry before going out to the car.

“Any news on the girlfriend? Still going well?”

“She kissed him on the cheek last Saturday.”

“Oh my.” Paige chuckles. “Have you had a little chat with him yet? I really don’t wanna be the one to do it.”

“We’ve chatted, yeah.” Harry nods. “Mostly on asking before touching, that sort of thing, being respectful. I can’t go fully in depth with him yet, it’ll all go over his head I think.”

“I’m nervous about sticky sheets.” She whispers.

“Hasn’t happened here yet unless he’s gotten up before me to do his own laundry. Think we’re a ways away from that.”

“Oh, thank god.” She sighs with relief. “Okay, I’m headed out. Have a good weekend.” She turns to leave. “Oh! Happy almost birthday.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll have some things for you Sunday when you come to get him. Rachel’s outdone herself for your gift.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Have a good weekend with him.”

“Thanks, bye, Y/N!” She waves off as she leaves.

Harry comes over to lounge on the couch and opens his arms for to come to him. You crawl up his body and settle on his chest.

“Still feeling a little yucky?” He asks. You had caught a little cold after ice skating last week.

“Just a little, but this helps a lot.” You nuzzle into his chest and he rubs your back.

“We don’t have to go out tomorrow night if you don’t feel up to it…”

“No! It’s your birthday weekend, we’re going out, don’t you worry about that. I’m sure I’ll feel better, baby.”

“Okay, just know there’s no pressure. M’only turning thirty-three.” He shrugs. “Remember when you got me flowers last year?”

“Yeah.” You chuckle.

“I think that was when I knew I really fucking liked you.”

“Oh stop.”

“I’m serious, it was the sweetest thing a colleague had ever done for me.”

“Maybe we need some new colleagues then.” You both laugh at that.

“And you brought me some coffee that morning too. I think I was able to keep those flowers alive for a couple of weeks. Tried to anyways.” He kisses the top of your head.

“You and your little budding crush.”

“Hey, it’s better than, ‘well, I was having sex with this guy and I thought of you to get off, so that’s how I knew I like you, Harry’.” You sit up slowly and glare at him while his smile grows. You huff and get off of him. “Oi, where are you going?” He chuckles.

“To the loveseat where I can curl up alone.” You snatch the blanket off the back of the couch and wrap it around yourself before sitting on the loveseat.

“Don’t be like that.”

“Nope, you ruined the moment.”

“It’s funny when you think about it.”

“I’d prefer not to, thanks.” You roll your eyes.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, alright? I was just teasing.”

“You’re always just teasing.” You say in a monotone voice.

Harry gets up from the couch and scoops you up from the loveseat before sitting down with you in his lap.

“There we are.” He says, kissing your temple.

“You’re annoying.”

“Too bad you’re stuck with me, huh?”

“Oh, am I?” You raise an eyebrow at him.

“Yup.” He smiles. “I’m afraid so.”

“Fine.” You sigh. “Can’t fight you much on it when you can so easily man-handle me.”

“Exactly.”

You chuckle and snuggle back into him. He plays with your hair and rubs your back until you fall asleep. It was some much needed rest.

//

Saturday morning you got up before Harry, somehow, and took a very long shower to clear out your sinuses. You had some work you needed to get done before dinner later, and he knew this, so once you’re out and your hair is dry, you go up to the loft to get some things done while he continues to snooze. Harry’s actual birthday is Monday so you didn’t feel too bad not spending every little second with him.

When you smell coffee from downstairs, you know he’s emerged. You hear the creaks of the stairs, and you turn to look at him.

“Hi, baby.” He says, holding two mugs. “Coffee?”

“Please, thank you. You don’t mind I’m using your space?” You take the mug from him and take a careful sip.

“What’s mine is yours, you know that.” He yawns as he goes over to sit on the loveseat.

“Are you attached to all the furniture in this house?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I couldn’t help myself, I was looking on the Bernie and Phil’s site, and saw these nice couches and loveseat sets. They all recline and there’s USB ports to charge your phones and stuff. Might be fun to go looking one of these days.”

“Sure, we could do that. The couch in the basement is really old, so I could put the furniture from the living room down there. I’d like to keep that couch because it’s a pull out.”

“That’s an excellent idea. It’ll be like upcycling in a way.”

“I’m planning to do some painting over our spring break. Andy’s been nagging me about the rooms being too dark or something.”

“Because they are. I was talking with him about it last month, and we both think a light grey for the living room would be perfect.”

“Are you suddenly telling me I have no taste?”

“No! You have taste…it’s just surprisingly manly.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He chuckles as he sips his coffee.

“It’s just an oddly masculine home for such a…metro guy.”

“Metro guys are well sculpted and care too much about their appearances.”

“Harry, if even one of your nails is chipped you sit down and redo all of them, and you’re always so put together with what you wear. All I’m saying is, you would think a macho guy was living here, not that it bothers me.”

“I guess I just didn’t really put a ton of thought into the interior.” He shrugs. “I focused more on getting the outside of the home to look nice, and there were some structural things I had to take care of too.”

“Alright, so we’ll put up some fresh paint to liven the place up a bit, nothing too drastic. I think you’ll have fun looking at things with me. Just don’t say yes to every little thing I like, I don’t wanna takeover the house.”

“Sounds like a plan to me, darling.” He smiles and grabs one of his books to read. “Is it okay if I sit up here with you while you work?”

“I’d like that.”

You turn back to face the computer as he gets cozy with his book. You and Harry had become quite domestic, and you loved it. You loved being able to just be around someone in a comfortable silence. He told you once that the sound of you typing was pretty calming to him and he could concentrate on his book or whatever else he was doing just fine.

“It’s been an hour, you need to take a break.” He says to you.

“Harry.” You hum warningly.

“Your wrists will thank me later, come on, let’s have a proper breakfast.”

“I don’t wanna eat a lot since we’re eating out tonight.” You say, still typing away.

“Hit save, now.” You look at him and laugh before continuing to type.

“Was that supposed to be threatening?”

“Yes.”

“Mm, and how’d that work out for you?” He sighs as grips the back of the chair to wheel you away. “Hey!”

He reaches forward on the mouse and clicks save before looking at you.

“How’d that work out for you?” He smirks. “Come on we can have some eggs and toast or something.”

“Okay.”

You and Harry work together to make breakfast.

“What time are we going out tonight?”

“I thought we could be there for seven.” You shrug. “You’re still good with going to the Thai place?”

“Definitely, you know I’ll never say no to going there.”

Harry still had no idea everyone from the department would be joining, which made you very happy. It wasn’t necessarily a surprise party, but you thought it would be fun to get everyone together. A special version of game night.

“Great.” You smile. “Are you going to do any work today?”

“Nah, I have a bit of time before I need to work on my next manuscript, so I’m giving myself a break. I think in March I’ll start up on it. I’m even caught up on my grading.” He leans back in his chair and looks around. “I wouldn’t mind doing some work to the kitchen. I’d like to get some new cabinets.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, like, how do you think white cabinets would look with a colored backsplash? I like the granite that has, like, grey and mint in it, you know what I mean?” You nod. “Course that means I’d have to re-stain the floors in here. Can’t have dark floors with such a light kitchen.”

“What you’re talking about is very modern, which could look nice in a ranch.” You pucker your lips to think on it. “I personally love a white kitchen, it just takes more work to keep it clean.”

“I just think it could look really sleek, you know?”

“I agree.”

“It’s nice having someone to bounce ideas around with. I feel like I didn’t do much before because I couldn’t decide on my own.” He sounds a little somber, and then he clears his throat. “Well, if you’re gonna be working I might go to the gym for a bit. Would you mind?”

“No, babe, go right ahead.” You smile.

“Cool.” He gets up and clears the plates from the table before going to his room to change.

Harry liked having you in his home, and he liked that it was slowly becoming this shared space. He wished you’d just move in altogether, but he respected why you wanted to wait. He left things open so that if you decided to move in earlier than July then that would be perfectly fine, and you knew it. He was just grateful you didn’t want to find a different house because he quite liked this one. Just as you’re cleaning up the dishes he comes out in his workout clothes.

“I’ll see you later.” He says, kissing your cheek.

“Bye, babe.” You watch him leave, and then you had back upstairs to get some more work done.

//

Harry was dressed and right to go by quarter of seven. He was wearing this pair of pink dress pants, which looked exceptional on him particularly in the area of his ass, and white button up. You were still getting ready, wanting to look your best for him.

“Okay, I’m ready.” You smile as you step into the living room where he was puttering about. You were in a short green dress. He looks you up and down.

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“I can’t tell if those are real stockings or if you’ve got that garter on again.”

“I guess you’ll find out when we get back.” You wink at him and grab the keys and your coat.

“You look lovely, baby.”

“Thanks, you don’t look too shabby yourself.”

“Are you sure we need to go anywhere?” He puts his hands on your hips and gives you a squeeze.

“So eager.”

“You didn’t let me touch you all day!” He whines.

“I was busy!” You laugh. “You can have me all you want later, let’s go.”

You drive Harry to the restaurant and pull into a parking space. You hold his hand as you walk in, and tell the hostess you’re ‘the last of the Styles party’. Harry gives you a confused look as the hostess leads you to the back of the restaurant where the private dining area was.

“Hey, there he is!” Andre says, and Harry’s face grows into the brightest smile.

“Hey!” He says.

There was Janette, Andre, Mateo, Sandra, Lisa, and Lucas. The whole gang made it just for Harry.

“Thought it would be fun to have dinner with everyone, what do you think?” You ask him as you shrug your coat off.

“Think you’re brilliant as usual.”

You all sit down at the large round table provided. Drinks were ordered all around as were many appetizers and dishes to share. You wished there was a bar to go dancing at in the area, but then again your colleagues don’t need to know you like that. If the mood felt right you could always go to the bar you and Janette usually go to.

Harry keeps his hand on your thigh most of the night. He was having a great time, which made you happy. It was always a good time with this group. Without fail someone would make you laugh so hard you’d cry. Harry’s hand was distracting, though, you could tell he was almost searching for something. He really wanted to know if you were wearing standard tights or not. You were, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t wearing something cute underneath. You assume he’s figured it out when he feels your thigh enough to not feel any bare skin.

“Any special plans with Andy for your birthday, H?” Sandra asks.

“We’ll do cake Monday night most likely. He’s got a basketball game, so that’ll be fun.”

“How’s his little girlfriend doing?” Janette asks.

“She’s good, took ‘em ice skating last weekend. You should have seen it, they were pretty cute.”

“I can’t believe kids so young are dating.” Mateo says.

“It’s not real dating.” Harry says. “If it lasts longer than a couple of months I’ll be shocked. Kids like to act so grown up, you know?”

“It’s true, my daughter had a ‘boyfriend’ in seventh grade for, like, a week. I flipped out over nothing.” She laughs. “Eighth grade is when it gets serious, though, just a heads up.”

“That’s when they’re really teenagers.” Lisa says. “Will Andy be fourteen when he goes into eighth?”

“Yup.” Harry nods. “I’m dreading the true teen years. He’s already starting to get snippy about things, I’m trying just to live in the moment and enjoy him while he’s still sweet.”

“Does he ever get snippy with you, Y/N?” Andre asks.

“Her?!” Harry says before you have a chance to answer. “These two are in cahoots. He always listens to her.”

“That’s only because he sees me more as a friend. I don’t think he really sees me as a symbol of authority…” You say. “I’m sure if I really told him what to do he’d give me some bull about not being his mom or something.” You sip your drink.

“Think he’d only do that if he was really having an episode, don’t worry.” Harry gives your thigh a squeeze.

“And he does get snippy with me, but I try to bring things down to his level, and we usually come to some sort of compromise. He’s easy enough to read.”

“Just wait until he’s a hormonal teenager.” Sandra says. “He’ll be less easy to figure out.” She laughs.

“My kids are at that stage where they’re telling me things they used to get away with.” Lisa chimes in with a chuckle. “It’s best to do it over wine, but it’s pretty funny.”

Lisa tells a few funny stories about her kids to the table, and his has everyone roaring. Overall it was a good night. You had some cupcakes made, and everyone sings happy birthday to Harry. He blows out the candles and kisses your cheek before taking a cupcake. You both thank everyone for coming, and he can’t stop looking at you in the car on the ride home.

“Why are you staring, hm?” You side eye him.

“I just think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life, and I feel really lucky that by some chance our paths crossed.”

“Oh.” You swallow. “I wasn’t expecting such an articulate answer.” He hums his response and takes one of your hands in his and kisses your knuckles.

“Thank you for putting all that together, it was nice to be out with friends tonight.”

“My pleasure, baby.”

“So…what do you have planned for when we get back?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, well, sometimes you like to get freaky with me.” He smirks.

“I keep all my freaky shit at home, you know that. The last thing Andy needs to find is a pair of handcuffs or my special candle.”

“Special candle?”

“You haven’t her yet.” You grin. “I was thinking Valentine’s Day could be at my place for that reason.”

“What, what makes it special?”

“It’s for dripping wax on people. It feels really good, you have no idea. Well, you will, I mean, if you want to.”

“What are you gonna do when you move in?”

“I’ll have to fucking lock the drawer, won’t I?” You both laugh at that. “I don’t really have anything special planned for tonight, just though you could do whatever you felt like.”

“You realize that means I’ll just be taking my time then.”

“Yes, and I’m willing to suffer to please you.” You pull into the garage and lean towards him so your lips ghost over his. “Just wanna be your good girl.”

You pull away before he can kiss you, and you giggle as you unbuckle your seatbelt. He chases you into the house, and into his bedroom before he catches you, wrapping his arms around you from behind and picking you up.

“Don’t make fun of me for saying that, it was in the heat of the moment.”

“Mm, a very heated moment.” You smile up at him. “I’m not making fun, I liked it.”

“Oh.” He clears his throat and lets you go. “Alright then.”

“Unzip me?”

His fingers skim the zipper and drag it down your back. You had a black lace bra on with your tights. The dress drops to the floor and he squints at your ass. You look over your shoulder and smirk.

“What?”

“These are really opaque, can’t even see what panties you got on.”

“Oh, well, that’s because I’m not wearing any.” You wiggle your bum at him. “Consider it one of your gifts to unwrap.”

“You need to stop spoiling me.” He says as he unclasps your bra.

“You deserve to be spoiled, Harry.”

He tugs you to his chest and kisses on your shoulder, your neck, and then your other shoulder. He sinks his teeth into your right shoulder and your head rolls back. One of his hands drifts up to your left breast, and his other hand cups your center.

“H-Harry.” You breathe. “Just take them off.”

He hums as he sponges kisses up your neck and he now uses both of his hands to grope and knead your breasts.

“Get on the bed for me.”

“Back or stomach?”

“Your back, please?”

You nod and get on the bed, propping yourself up on your elbows to watch him get undressed. Once he was only left in his boxers, he joins you. He hooks his fingers into your tights, and drags them down your legs. You lift your hips up to help him, and he tosses them somewhere once they’re all the way off. He leans forward to kiss your lips, three quick smooches, and then he opens your legs. He licks his lips and gets comfortable on his stomach in front of you, then he licks a flat stripe up your center to your clit. He does this a few times.

“M’surprised you didn’t want me on my knees for you.” You say with a shaky breath.

“Monday’s my actual birthday, save that thought for then, would you?”

You giggle and nod as he continues to lick and suck at your folds.

“Consider it filed away, sir.” You salute him and he smirks at you.

“I love you so fucking much.” He chuckles against you.

“I love you-ah!”

Harry fucks into you with his tongue while his thumb rubs at your clit. Your hands fly to his hair and you tug harshly. He groans into you as he continues to lick and suck on your center. Before you know it, you’re being flipped over. Harry pulls your ass back by the hips, so you know to prop yourself up on your elbows and knees. Two of his fingers slide into you from behind while his mouth goes right for your other hole.

“Harry.” You moan out, egging him on more.

He pumps in and out of you, the tips of his fingers brushing your g-spot. You had to be dripping for him, you could feel it on your inner thighs. His teeth nip at one of your cheeks, and he feels you squeeze around his fingers.

“Getting close, baby?” He smirks.

“Y-Yeah, please don’t stop.” You pant.

His other hand comes around to rub your clit, and the combination of things working you had you tipping you over the edge. You clutch at the blankets on the bed while you cry out for him. He kisses on your back while he slowly retracts his fingers.

“Shit.” You breathe as you get up to grab a condom. “Get on your back.”

Harry grins and does as you say. You rip the foil packet open and roll it down his length before swinging your leg over him. You line yourself up and sink down, making you both moan. His hands run up your stomach to your breasts, and he kneads them while you adjust to his size. You start moving your hips around, not exactly in circles, but around. In that song WAP, Megan Thee Stallion says she spells her name while she rides it, and you had heard the song for the first time in a while the other day while working, so it gave you the idea to try it for yourself. Harry could see the concentration on your face.

“What are you doing?” He chuckles. “Feels good, but what are-“

“I’m, oh fuck, I’m spelling my name.”

“You know I do the same thing when I eat you out…”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it helps me concentrate.”

“Well, aren’t we just two peas in a pod.” You chuckle and run your hands up and down his chest. You plant them flat on his pecs and take a breath.

You raise yourself almost completely off of him before slamming back down. He grunts and grips your hips, but he knows to just let you continue on your own. You keep doing this to build a rhythm until you’re essentially bouncing up and down on him.

“Can I move?” He asks through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, baby, move with me.”

He yanks you down to him so you’re chest to chest, and then his hands slide to your ass to get a really good grip while his essentially moves you on and off his hard cock. You sponge kisses on his neck and collar bone while you move along with him. Your clit was rubbing against him in the perfect way, not to mention the angle of his dick inside you was perfectly hitting your g-spot. You were moaning right into his ear, and it was driving him nuts. He loved knowing how good he could make you feel.

“Y/N.” He groans. “Tell me how it feels.”

“Soo good, Harry, so fucking good.” Your nails claw at his shoulders. “You’re the, oh my god, you’re the best I’ve ever had.”

“Shit, shit, shit.” Harry spills into the condom, but tries to keep you moving so you can get yours. You really caught him by surprise.

You squeeze around him and come undone, moaning out, and moving your lips over his. He sucks your bottom lip and it makes your eyes roll back. He slowly lifts you off his now sensitive prick. He discards the condom and lays next to you with a big smile on his face.

“What?” You coo as you push his hair back off his forehead.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Of course.”

“You’re the best I’ve ever had too.” He rubs your side up and down soothingly.

“You’re just saying that because I said it.” You mutter.

“No, Y/N, I really mean it. I’ve never wanted someone all the time like this. I mean, usually I’m pretty physically affectionate in my relationships, but…” He moves some of the matted hair away from your face. “I can’t explain it, I feel like we really have this connection, you know?”

“Yeah, like we just…fit.”

“Exactly.” He sighs and leans in to peck your lips.

Once you both get cleaned up and settled into bed, you work up the courage to ask Harry something that’s been on your mind.

“Baby?” You say.

“Mm?” He was wrapped around you already, face nestled into your hair.

“Do you think once spring rolls around, we could do another weekend in Boston? My friends are dying to meet you.”

“Oh, you mean Janette isn’t your only friend?” He teases and he scoff at him. “I’d love to do that. Suppose that’s one of the perks of Andy going to his mum’s every other weekend. We can just plan it for one of those.”

“I’d like to take him into town some time. We could take the bus down for the day and take him to the aquarium or something.”

“He’d love that, honestly. Oh! We could bring Brandon along, really make a day of it. I feel like they haven’t been hanging out as much because of Caroline…he needs to know that there’s a balance with friends and significant others.”

“Maybe he’s clingy just like his daddy.” You chuckle, and Harry pinches your hip.

“You know the more you say that the more I’m gonna start thinking you wanna call me that for real.”

“I don’t, I just think it’s funny to joke about. My best friend Nora and I joke about daddy all the time.”

“Oh really?” Harry chuckles into your hair.

“Mhm, we came up with a list of celebrities and made this fake awards show called the daddy awards when we were younger. We were texting at like one in the morning, and I was trying so hard not to laugh because I didn’t wanna wake up my roommate.”

“Tell me more about your friends, I wanna know everything.”

“Right now?”

“Mhm, I’m all ears.”

“Okay, well, there’s Nora, Mark, Claudia, and Darcy…”

//

  You decide to stay back at the house when Harry goes to pick up Andy from Paige’s. You didn’t know if he’d need to go inside to do presents with Rachel and Noah, and you weren’t really in the mood to see Lydia again since you told her off.

“Happy birthday, Uncle Harry!” Rachel beams at him as he enters the home.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” She hands him a card.

“Rach, give him a second to come through the door.” Noah chuckles. “Happy birthday.” He shakes Harry’s hand.

“Thanks, mate.”

Andy comes down the stairs with all of his things, and Paige comes out with some other gifts.

“I’ll just put those in the car, and open them tomorrow if that’s alright…” Harry says.

“Of course. It’s mostly some new sk-“

“Mum, no!” Rachel yells. “It needs to be a surprise.” She pouts.

“Okay, okay.” Paige chuckles.

Lydia comes into the living room with her arms crossed.

“Bye everyone.” Andy says as he goes through the rounds of hugs. “Love you, Gram.”

“I love you too, precious.” She kisses his forehead and smiles. “So, where’s your girlfriend, Harry?”

“She stayed back to get dinner started.” He says as he grabs the gifts from Paige. “I’ll tell her you asked for her, though, Lydia, that’s so nice of you.” Harry smiles at her, and then looks at Andy. “Ready?”

“Mhm.”

They both head out and get in the car quickly. Harry rolls his eyes to himself, and then takes a deep breath before driving off.

“How was your weekend?” He asks Andy.

“Good.” He shrugs. “Gram took me out for lunch yesterday.”

“That’s great! I’m glad you’re getting to spend so much time with her.”

“You are?”

“Yeah…I mean, just because she and I don’t exactly get along doesn’t mean that I don’t want you spending time with her. I think it’s important to do things with your grandparents if you’re able.”

“She took me and Rachel with her. We went to Friendly’s, it was actually pretty fun.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“How was your weekend?”

“Really good, Y/N got the department to take me out to dinner last night. It was nice hanging out with friends.”

“Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“I sort of have a…problem…”

“With what?”

“Um, well, I guess there’s a Valentine’s Day dance in a couple of weeks and I don’t know what to do.”

“They have dances for you so young?”

“I guess it’s a sixth through eighth grade thing. Last year they just had that craft party for us, remember?”

“Oh yeah, I came in to help for that I think. So what’s your problem?”

“I have nothing to wear! I don’t wanna wear my suit, it’s too formal.”

“Okay, so I’ll take you shopping.” Harry shrugs. “Are you gonna ask Caroline to be your valentine and all that?”

“Do I have to? She’s already my girlfriend.”

“You definitely need to because she’s your girlfriend. You need to ask her to the dance too.”

“I wanna go with my friends too…”

“You can! Tell you what, invite everyone over to take pictures at our place.”

“Really?”

“Sure, I used to love doing that with my friends.”

“What if I’m the only one with an actual date, won’t that be weird?”

“Not unless you make it weird. It should be fine.”

“When can we go shopping?”

“Let’s go next weekend, dance isn’t for two weeks right?”

“Yeah, it’s on a Friday. I told Mum already…Brandon said he might have a sleepover that night.”

“That sounds like a great weekend then.”

Harry gets Andy home to you, and they both take a big whiff of what you’re making.

“Whatever you’re cooking smells really good, Y/N.” Andy says.

“Thanks! I made butternut squash soup.” You smile. “It’s so col out today, and I figured it would be good leftovers for later in the week too.”

“I see my cook once eat twice policy is starting to rub off on you.” Harry kisses your cheek. “Only took you eight months, but I’ll let it slide.”

“Mhm.” You roll your eyes. “Go wash up.”

The three of you eat dinner, and Andy tells you about how he’ll need to go shopping for the dance. He goes to his room after dinner to work on a card for Caroline.

The next morning, you grin when you hear Harry’s alarm go off. Usually he would get up to do yoga in the loft so you could sleep, but this morning you immediately roll over on top of him. He chuckles slightly as you start kissing on him.

“What are you doing?” He whispers.

“Happy birthday.” You whisper back.

You stay under the covers as you work your way down his body. You may not like Harry’s head between your legs first thing in the morning, but he had absolutely no problem with it. He moves the blanket so he could see your head. He knew you’d be too cold if he took it away completely.

You lick over his tip and around his shaft before sinking down on him. He expects you to move, but when he looks down at you, you’re looking up at him, waiting.

“Are you serious?”

“Mhm.”

“God, I love you.”

He gently grips your jaw in both of his hands and starts fucking your mouth. He grunts and groans, especially when you choke around him in the beginning. You widen your throat as much as you can as you relax around him. It wasn’t something you did often, but you knew he’d really appreciate it this morning. Your nails dig into his thighs, and your eyes flutter closed as you concentrate on breathing through your nose.

“Fuck, baby.” He moans. “So good, so fucking good.”

You knew he was trying to be quiet in case Andy happened to get up early and was roaming around the house. You would typically keep morning sex in the bathroom if Andy was home just out of respect. But it was Harry’s birthday, after all.

“I’m close, Y/N, just hold on.” He pants, and you appreciate his courtesy. He knew your jaw had to be getting tired, and your throat had to be getting sore. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.” He grits his teeth and bites into his bottom lip harshly to keep quiet as he shoots his load down your throat.

Your eyes are watery, and you’re about ready to start gagging, but he lifts your mouth off him, and you can breathe properly again. You swallow everything and smile at him.

“What a way to wake up, I feel dizzy.” He chuckles and brings you down to him, holding you close. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” It comes out raspy, and for once he doesn’t tease you. You nuzzle into his neck and kiss on him for a bit before letting him get up.

“Do you wanna do some yoga with me?”

“No, I think I’ll take my shower while you do that.”

“Alright, love.” He kisses you and you both get up to start your day.

You get Andy up and get breakfast going while Harry gets in the shower. You even get the pasta boiled and set in the glass pan with the sauce for tonight’s baked ziti.

“Happy birthday, Dad!” Andy exclaims.

“Thanks, buddy.” Harry looks around the kitchen in awe. “You…got everything together already?”

“Yeah.” You shrug and hand him a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast.

“Thank you.” He gives you a soft smile. “And thanks for getting this one up.” He nods towards Andy.

“She’s nice than you, she doesn’t take my blanket away.” Andy sticks his tongue out at Harry, and Harry sticks his tongue back at him.

“Alright, boys.” You say and sit down. “I would prefer to not gag while eating my oatmeal, thank you.”

“He started it.” Andy says.

“Well, I’m finishing it, how’s that grab ya?” You say, and Harry bursts out laughing. You look behind you to see him wheezing.

“I’m sorry, it was the accent that sent me!” He can barely catch his breath, and it makes Andy laugh too.

“Kay, bruv.” You say and stand up. “I’m going to work.”

“No, come on, don’t be like that. We can carpool.” He says, wiping his eyes.

“What does that even mean? ‘How’s that grab ya’?” Andy says.

“I don’t know, it’s just something my dad used to say to shut us up.” You shrug. “Seriously, can we get going?”

“Yeah.” Harry says. “You ready?” He says to Andy.

“Mhm.”

Harry drives everyone, and Andy hops out of the car to head into school.

“Okay, now that he’s gone, can you not do that again?”

“Do what?”

“Laugh at me when I’m being authoritative. How’s he supposed to take me seriously if you don’t?”

“You have to admit the way you said and phrased that was funny? And it’s not like he and I were having a legitimate argument. We were just palling around, you know?”

“Well, either way, can you not do that again? I felt a little…disrespected, Harry.”

“Oh.” He moves his hand to your thigh to give you a squeeze. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I’m still getting used to all this, babe.”

“What?”

“Raising him with someone that’s right there. I mean, you helped with so much this morning, and it was such a relief. I hope you know how much I appreciate you.”

“You really see me as helping to raise him?”

“Well…yeah…I wouldn’t let just anyone tell him what to do. I trust your judgement with him, especially after how amazing you did alone with him for so long.”

“Oh…okay then.” You your hand over his and give it a little rub. “I mean, I know I’m not his mom or anything, but-“

“But at some point I’d like you to be his step-mom, so you’re valid here. I’ll try not to lose it like that again, okay?”

“Okay.” Your cheeks were red now. “Um, I suppose my tone was a little funny.”

“Just a little.” He smirks and takes your hand to kiss it. “I love how much you care about Andy, and I know it’s probably hard to tell your place in all of it sometimes.”

“Yeah, sometimes. It’s only been eight months between us, and I haven’t been a parent for almost twelve years like you have. I feel underqualified, if that makes sense.”

“Don’t.” He shakes his head. “You’re more than qualified, more so than anyone else I’ve tried to bring into his life, trust me.” He parks his car in the faculty lot and looks at you. “If I didn’t think you could handle him, the whole situation, I wouldn’t have dragged you into it, Y/N, no matter how much I liked you.”

“Well, I’m glad you did. Drag me along all you want.” You lean in enough that your noses touch and you peck his lips. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.”

“Me neither.”

//

Andy was waiting by his locker for Caroline. She would usually meet up with him at his so they could walk to homeroom together. He smiles when he sees her walking towards him.

“Morning, Andy.” She says, hugging him.

“Morning.” He smiles. “I, uh, have something for you…” He reaches into his backpack for the card he made her.

“You do?”

“Mhm, here.” It was pink and red and had glitter on it. Her eyes widen as she opens it. “I know it’s early to ask, but I just wanted to make sure you knew I wanted to go to the dance with you and all that.”

“Oh, Andy.” She smiles. “Of course I’ll be your valentine, and I’d love to go to the dance with you!” She throws her arms around him again and kisses his cheek. “This is so sweet, thank you.”

“Um, great! My dad said everyone could come to our house for pictures and stuff.”

“Do you think Tyler and Brandon will have dates?” She asks as they head to homeroom.

“I have no…oh you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“What?”

“Brandon’s talking with Molly at her locker.” He rolls his eyes. “Look at them! Jesus.”

“What’s so bad about that?”

“They were boyfriend and girlfriend at the beginning of the school year, but it didn’t work out. I hope he’s not getting back together with.”

“Why?”

“She was annoying, Caroline, you have no idea.”

They both sit in their seats. Andy lets Tyler know about the dance plans before Brandon sits down.

“Hey.” Brandon says with a smirk on his face. “Guess who has a date to the dance?”

“You are back with Molly.” Andy says with furrowed brows.

“Yeah, I’m giving it another go with her.” He shrugs. “Can’t really remember why we broke up in the first place.” It was a blatant lie, but Brandon wasn’t going to get into it with Andy right now.

“Good for you.” Andy mumbles. “My dad said everyone can come over for pictures before the dance…so I guess she can come too.”

“Thanks.” He smiles. “Still wanna sleep over after?”

“Yeah.”

“Tyler, you know Molly’s friend Alexis, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You could go with her if you want since Andy’s going with Caroline.”

“Sure! Sounds good to me.” Tyler shrugs.

Andy side eyes Brandon.

“What? You are going with your girlfriend to the dance, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I asked her this morning. Don’t you think it’ll be awkward for Alexis to come to my house?”

“Please, all of that’s in the past. It’ll be fine, Andy, chill out.”

“You chill out.”

“I’m plenty chill. Cooler than a cucumber, actually.” Brandon sits back in his seat and crosses his arms behind his head.

“Good for you.” Andy mumbles and faces forward. Caroline turns around slightly to smile at him and he smiles back.

//

Harry’s birthday was good all around. He enjoyed all of the gifts he got from his family and friends. You got him a gift certificate to his favorite nail salon so he could get a spa manicure and pedicure at some point, and Andy got him a new face mask kit. He was extremely grateful. He loved having you there to sing happy birthday with Andy. He didn’t need to make much of a wish when he blew out his candles, he was already getting exactly what he wanted.

//

“No, Dad, that’s so ugly!” Andy was nearly in tears while he and Harry were shopping. You had gone home to get some work done, so you couldn’t be there, but Harry wished you were, he was beside himself.

“Since when do you not agree with my taste in clothes?!” Harry really didn’t want to be arguing with his son at a fucking Old Navy on a Saturday afternoon, but there they were. “You said you didn’t want to go to Macy’s because their clothes are too fancy, so you need to find something here.”

“Just let me go around the store myself!”

“Fine! Come get me when you’re ready to try things on.”

“I don’t need you for that either!”

“Yes you do! You’ll need a second opinion, and I have to do that thing where you tug at the pants to make sure you have room to grow in them.”

“No, I hate that.” He whines. “It’s embarrassing.”

“Every parent does it! I’m gonna go sit outside the dressing rooms. Go find some clothes.” Harry huffs and storms away from his son. He sits down rubs at his temples.

Harry: really wish you were shopping with us

You: why? What’s wrong?

Harry: he’s being a little brat! Suddenly the clothes I think would like nice on him are ugly

You: well of course they are, don’t you know how this works?

Harry: apparently not!

You: just let him pick out his clothes on his own

Harry: I am…

You: okay so it’ll sort itself out…I can try to come over later, maybe he can do a fashion show for me

Harry: no it’s okay, I know you have work to do

You: maybe tomorrow then…just try to get through it, you’ll laugh about it someday

Harry: someday can’t come soon enough

“See, these are the dress shirts I like.” Andy says as he comes up to Harry. “And no one wears nice slacks to school dances, they wear khakis…it’s just a valentine’s dance.”

“Go try it on, now.” Andy rolls his eyes and goes into the changing room. “And you better come out to show me or I’m not buying you a single thing.”

“Okay!” Andy slams the door shut and takes a deep breath.

He comes out to show Harry himself in a pair of khakis and a nice blue button up with the sleeves rolled up.

“Do you need a tie or anything?” Harry asks as he tugs on various parts of the clothes to make sure they fit properly. “How do these pants fit, can you move alright? Gotta make sure you can dance comfortably.” He tugs at the waist and Andy swats his hand away.

“Stop! They fit fine, Dad. Does someone do that to you when you try on clothes?!”

“I do it for myself, actually. I’m also done growing, as opposed to you. These could easily not fit in a month with the way you’re growing.”

“Well, they fit now, so-“

“You know what? Let’s get Mum’s opinion on this, come on.”

“What are you doing?!” Harry pushes Andy into the dressing room with him.

“I’m not gonna make a scene in front of some strangers, hold on.” He swipes his phone to FaceTime Paige, and has a growing smirk on his face.

“Dad, please!”

“Hold on, she should have a say in this.”

“Harry, why in the hell are you FaceTiming me?” She chuckles.

“Because our son is having a fashion dilemma, hold on.” He flips the camera on a very aggravated Andy. “What do you think of this for the valentine’s dance?”

“Oh! You look so handsome, honey! Do you need a tie?”

“No!” He pouts and crosses his arms.

“Turn around so I can see the back of the pants. Harry, did you tug on them?”

“I did. Go on, turn around so Mum can see the whole thing.”

Andy groans, but does as he’s told.

“Well, I think it would be great for the dance. I like the sleeves pushed up like that too, very cute.”

“Okay, we all agree on the outfit, can I have some privacy to change now?”

“Sure.” Harry says and leaves the dressing room. “Thanks, he’s driving me bananas.”

“Well, anytime you wanna embarrass him, I’m more than happy to help.” She laughs. “I’m good to come by Friday during the picture taking?”

“Of course. It’s his first real dance, after all.”

“You know,” Andy says, coming out of the dressing room. “you look like a real boomer walking around FaceTiming in public without any headphones in.” He smirks. “It’s rude.”

“He’s right, Har.”

“Shit, wouldn’t wanna look like a boomer now would I? Better go, Mum.”

“Talk to you later, Dad.”

Harry shoves his phone in his pocket and takes the clothes Andy wants up to the register.

“You have shoes, yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, anything else you need?”

“No, I wanna go home now.”

“Andy…”

“That’ll be $45.20.” The young cashier says.

“You know what, I have a coupon on my phone, one second.” Harry gets his phone out again and shows the girl so she can scan it.

“Alright, your new total is $33.40.” She smiles.

“Excellent!” Harry inserts his card into the chip reader.

“It’s so nice of you to take your little brother shopping.”

“Oh, um, he’s not my…this is my son.”

“No way, you don’t look old enough to be a dad.” She flirts.

“That’s, uh, very nice of you to say.” Harry clears his throat and takes his card back. “You can just throw the receipt in the bag.”

“Sure thing.” She hands him the bag. “Have a nice day.”

“Dad, no offense, but you look way too old to be my older brother.” Andy laughs. “That girl must’ve been desperate for your number.”

“That girl was way too young to be flirting with me.” He shakes his head.

“Dad, I’m sorry if I was acting bratty in the store. I don’t know why I get like this…”

“You’re hormonal, and you’re at an age where everything I do is embarrassing.” Harry turns around to look at Andy. “It’s okay, we’re okay.” He smiles. “You’re gonna look really handsome in your new clothes.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

//

“Mum, please!” Andy swats her hands away because she wouldn’t stop pinching his cheeks.

“I can’t help it, you just look so handsome! My little baby, going to his first dance.”

“Better to let her act like this now before all your friends get here.” Harry says.

“Remind me again, what time am I picking you up from Brandon’s tomorrow?” Paige asks.

“Um, like ten probably.” He shrugs.

“Okay, Andy stand with Mum so I can take your picture.”

Andy rolls his eyes, but he poses with Paige nonetheless.

“I can take one of the three of you if you like.” You say.

“Oh, that’d be great, Y/N!” Paige says. “I’m so sad Noah couldn’t be here. Rachel’s school does a father-daughter dance for Valentine’s Day. She looked so precious in her dress.”

The three of them pose together.

“Can I have one with you two?” Andy says to you and Harry.

“Here, I’ll take it.” Paige takes your phone and snaps the photo. “Andy take one of just you and Dad and then one of you and Y/N.”

The doorbell rings, and Andy feels a flood of relief when he sees that it’s Brandon.

“Thank god, my parents are being super embarrassing.” Andy says to him.

“Mine are too. I had to take a picture with my mom.” Brandon groans.

“Me too!” Andy takes a step back to look at Brandon. “You, uh, you look nice.”

“Thanks, so do you.” They were both blushing, but the doorbell rings again, so it pulls their attention from each other.

It was Caroline, and Andy’s heart stopped. Her hair was half up, and it looked pretty with waves. She was wearing a simple blue dress. She and Andy hadn’t even talked about coordinating, they just did by accident.

“Great minds think alike, huh.” She blushes as she walks up to him.

“You…you look so pretty, Caroline.”

“Thank you.”

Brandon’s eyes were about ready to roll out of his head. Eventually Tyler, Alexis, and Molly all show up. All of the parents gather around to take a ton of pictures of everyone. Andy and Tyler get a photo just the two of them, as do all of the respective dates.

Paige takes Andy, Caroline, and Tyler in her car, and the others go with Brandon’s dad.

“They all looked so cute.” You say with a sigh.

“I know.” Harry pulls you down onto the couch with him. “I just hope they all have a good time.”

//

The dance was…awkward to say the least. Each grade pretty much took a section of the cafeteria and stood around. No one was dancing to the music, and anyone that started to just looked awkward. There were teachers everywhere chaperoning.

“I thought dances were supposed to have punch bowls and snacks. All they have over there are bottles of water that you need money for.” Tyler says. “Did anyone’s parents give them any money?” Everyone shakes their heads no.

“I don’t get why no one’s dancing…” Molly says as she looks over at the eighth graders. “Even the older kids are just standing around.”

“Maybe if they played better music.” Andy says.

“It’s the beginning of the night, they have to get all of the lame songs out of the way.” Caroline says. “It’ll get better.”

And it did. About an hour in the music picked up, and the lights got dimmer, so everything was less embarrassing. Everyone was having fun dancing in a group. Towards the end of the night, just like at any dance, Stairway to Heaven starts to play, and everyone pairs up.

Caroline puts her hands on Andy’s shoulders, and he hesitates at first.

“You can put your hands on my waist if you want.”

“Oh, okay.” He nods and does so gently. There was plenty of space between them as they swayed back and forth. “Did you have a good time tonight?”

“Yeah, did you?”

“Mhm.”

“I’m really glad Molly and Alexis came too. They invited me to their sleepover.”

“That’s great!” Andy glances over at Molly and Brandon and sees that they’re dancing much closer. “Um, do you wanna, like, put your head on my shoulder?”

“Okay.”

They dance closer like a lot of other people. Andy and Brandon make eye contact, and it’s a little intense. Andy watches as Molly kisses his cheek, and then…he sees Brandon kiss her quickly on the mouth.

“Jerk.” Andy scoffs.

“Huh?” Caroline looks up at him.

“Oh, nothing.” He smiles at her.

She keeps looking up at him, almost like she was waiting for something.

“You can kiss me, if you want to.” Andy leans in and kisses Caroline on the cheek and then smiles nervously at her. “That was nice.” She giggles. “But I was sort of hoping, um…”

“I just don’t wanna do it in such a public place, it’s not special.”

“Oh.” She blushes. “That’s actually really sweet.” She hugs him close as they keep dancing.

Once the song is over, everyone goes outside to wait for their parents. Andy gets into Harry’s car. You were sitting in the passenger seat.

“Well, how was it?” Harry asks.

“Fine.”

“Just fine?” Harry questions him.

“Um, Andy, Dad and I started this puzzle tonight, it’s one-thousand pieces! It’s gonna be a tough one, but when we’re done it’s gonna be this really pretty lake scene.”

“You guys had the night off from me and all you did was work on a puzzle?”

“What would you have liked us to do instead?” You chuckle.

“Don’t knock a puzzle, it was actually really romantic. We listened to music, had some wine. It was a perfect Valentine’s Day.” You also got a couple of quickies in, but obviously Andy didn’t need to know that.  

“Oh, well, good for you guys.”

It was clear Andy wasn’t up to talking about his evening, so you and Harry didn’t press him. Once you were all inside, Andy tugs you into his room with him when he sees Harry step into the bathroom.

“We don’t have much time.” He whispers as he gets his things together to bring to Brandon’s.

“For what?” You whisper back.

“To talk about the dance.”

“Okay…what happened?”

“Caroline said I could kiss her so I kissed her cheek, but she really wanted me to kiss her and I told her I didn’t want to in front of everyone and she told me that was really sweet.”

“Well, it was really sweet.”

“I wanted to kiss her, but I saw Brandon and Molly kiss, and I wanted hit him.”

“You wanted to hit Brandon?!”

“Shh!” He puts his finger up to his lips. “Yeah, he’s been such a jerk since he got back with Molly. We were looking at each other and he looked at me while he kissed her.”

“Is it just you sleeping over tonight?”

“No, Tyler’s gonna be there too.” Andy rolls his sleeping back up. “I-“ Andy’s eyes widen when he sees Harry in the doorway. You turn around to look at Harry.

“Um…everything alright in here?”

“Yeah, Dad, uh…Y/N was just helping me roll my sleeping bag. She’s gotten pretty good at it since you showed her how. Let’s go, bye, Y/N.”

Andy brushes by you and Harry.

“Is he alright?” Harry whispers.

“I can’t tell…I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Let me take him alone to Brandon’s, maybe he’ll talk one on one.”

“Wait…let me take him. He was opening up to me.”

“Will you please let me know what’s going on afterwards?”

“Yes.” You rush out and grab the keys. “Andy, I’m gonna bring you to Brandon’s.”

“Okay.”

Once you’re both in the car, Andy speaks up again.

“Y/N I like Caroline a lot, but…” He starts tearing up. “I feel really guilty.”

“About what, honey?” You hadn’t really called him that before, but you felt like he needed it.

“Because…I think I wanna kiss Brandon.”

“Oh, Andy.”

“But I also wanna kiss Caroline! But I don’t know if I want her to be my first kiss, you know?”

You pull up to Brandon’s house and turn around to look at Andy.

“Promise me something, Andy.”

“What?”

“Don’t rush into anything. I know it feels like everyone’s doing things, but just because your friends are kissing doesn’t mean that you need to. Don’t let anyone pressure you. If Caroline really likes you, she’ll understand if you want to wait. Also, if you like someone else, you shouldn’t string her along.”

“But I really like her! I just…I like Brandon too.”

“Are you sure you want to go in there tonight? I can take you home if this is all too much.”

“No, I wanna go inside. I’ll be fine. I’m just freaking out for no reason.”

“Andy…”

“Thanks for driving me, see you soon.”

Andy gets out of the car and heads into Brandon’s house. You explain things best you can to Harry when you get back.

“This ski trip can’t come soon enough, he needs some time away from everyone.” Harry says. “Poor kid.”

//

“Andy, how come you didn’t kiss Caroline?” Tyler asks him as they were all hanging out in Brandon’s room.

“I did.”

“You only kissed her on the cheek.” Brandon says.

“Why was everyone watching?!” Andy groans. “I just think something like that should happen in private.” He shrugs. “I’m really tired, can we go to sleep now?”

It was nearly midnight. The other boys agree. Brandon gets settled into his bed, and the other boys get into their sleeping bags.

“Andy, you can come on the bed with me, there’s plenty of room.”

“But then Tyler would be left out, it’s fine.”

“But you always-“

“I’m more comfortable on the floor, B.”

“I’ll take the bed.” Tyler says and comes up onto the bed with Brandon.

There was tension in the air. Andy couldn’t wait for February break.

//

Andy made it through another week of school. Caroline hadn’t pressed him about kissing, which he was thankful for.

“So…you’re doing the big family trip thing again, huh?” Brandon asks on Friday at their lockers.

“Yup, but Y/N’s coming this time, so that’ll be fun. It’s gonna be her first time skiing since she was our age or something. My dad’s gonna take a lesson with her.”

“That’s nice of him.”

“Mhm.”

“When do you get back?”

“Next Friday…we’re going early tomorrow morning.”

“Maybe we can hang out when you get back.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“You know you can call me or whatever if Rachel or Noah get on your nerves.”

“They’ve been on my nerves less lately, actually, but thanks.” This would normally be the part where they hug, but Caroline comes over to them.

“Andy, wanna walk me outside so we can say goodbye?”

“Yeah.” He smiles at her and takes her hand. “Have a good break, B.”

//

You were making Andy feel better already. You had put a mix of early 2000’s hits on, and you were singing really obnoxiously. Harry hated this kind of music, but you knew it would make Andy laugh, so Harry sucked it up for his sake.

“Okay, I’m gonna turn it down for a bit, we might scare the neighbors.” Harry says. “We’re just about there.”

The three of you get into the cabin, and Andy races to go claim his bunk before Rachel gets there. Harry shows you to which room would be yours.

“See, we even have our bathroom, babe. Total privacy.”

“Harry, once again, I’m not boning you while we’re under the same roof as-“

“Hello! We’re here!”

“Them.” You say.

“You say that now, but you’ll be wanting me after you see me on the slopes.” He pinches your butt before leaving the room to go greet everyone. “Hey, everyone!”

“Y/N, would you like to come grocery shopping with me?” Paige asks. “Gotta stock up on all the good stuff for the kids.”

“Oh, um, sure, I could tag along.”

“Great.” She smiles. “Better to get it all done now, and then we can just relax the rest of the day.” She kisses Noah’s cheek. “Be back soon!”

“Uncle Harry, I brought all new colors to paint our nails with this year. Wanna do it tonight?”

“Sure, I think that’s a great idea.” He smiles at her. “You better go see what bunk Andy left you with.”

“Oh shoot, you’re right!”

“So…how’s fifth grade treating her?” Harry asks Noah.

“Pretty good, actually. She loves her friends, although she’s closer with some of the kids at her Hebrew school. She can relate to them a little better.”

“Where are Mum and Y/N?” Andy asks as he comes out to the living room with Rachel.

“They went grocery shopping.” Harry says.

“Together?!” Andy was nervous you might fill his mother in on everything, but you wouldn’t do that.

“Yeah, they’re gonna get all your favorites.” Noah says.

That night Harry sits at the table with Rachel so they can do each other’s nails. You end up on the couch with Noah and Paige to watch some TV. Andy comes over, and almost automatically lays his head in your lap with a pillow, and you mindlessly start playing with his hair. He puts his feet up on Paige’s lap. It was a bit odd for Paige since Andy rarely let her play with his hair anymore, but the closeness was nice nonetheless.

“Are you excited to ski tomorrow?” Harry asks as you get ready for bed later.

“A little…I’m more nervous than anything.”

“No need to be nervous, baby. I’ll be right there with you.”

“And you’re okay wasting an entire day just to take a lesson and hang on the bunny trail with me?”

“It won’t be a waste! Noah’s gonna be at the bunny trail with Rachel too. Paige is gonna go on the longer runs with Andy. It’ll all work out great.” He gives you a smooch before wrapping himself around you.

//

“Have I told you enough times how cute you look in your gear?” Harry asks as you wait outside in the beginner skier area.

“Once or twice.” You giggle. “Thank you.”

“I hope you have fun, babe. If not, you can go to the pool the rest of the week and I won’t even complain.”

“Seems fair enough to me.”

“Good morning everyone!” A young man starts. “I’m Trevor, I’ll be your instructor this morning.”

Trevor goes over the basics, getting the skis on and off, walking around with one on at a time, turning with one on a time. You were working up quite the sweat. Eventually, Trevor takes everyone over to the bunny hill, and he explains how to step onto the belt so you don’t fall backwards.  

“Great work today everybody, have fun!”

“Okay, are you ready to try going down?” Harry says to you. “I’ll be right beside you the whole way.”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

You start squatting as you push off, but Harry grabs you.

“Don’t do that.”

“What?”

“Go that low. Stand up straight, or you’ll go way too fast and you’ll have trouble stopping.”

“Maybe you should have given the lesson.”

“He’s just some college kid making a quick buck, he did his best.”

You take a deep breath and push off with Harry. He stays beside you and you’re glad you listened to him because you still whipped down the hill even while standing up straight.

“That was great! How do you feel?”

“Um…definitely won’t be going on the chairlift anytime soon.” You chuckle. “Perhaps I’ll be hanging with Rachel this week.”

“No worries. You’ll get the hang of it. I’m really proud of you for trying. Ready to give it another go?”

“Yeah, let’s go again.”

Your legs were extremely sore by the end of the day. Paige and Noah volunteered to cook while you sat in front of the fire with Harry. The kids were playing a board game, and Harry was rubbing your shins. You didn’t even have to ask.

“Dad, can we go to the pool after dinner?”

“Sure, we could go for a bit.” Harry nods. “Feel like swimming?” He asks you.

“No, I’ll stay here and read I think. I’m a little tired. Maybe tomorrow though.”

“I’ll go with you, H. Wouldn’t mind some time in that hot tub.” Noah says.

So then after dinner, it was just you and Paige hanging out. You wanted to go to your room and just veg out alone, but you also didn’t want to be rude.

“I’m really glad you were able to come this year.” Paige says to you. “It’s really nice seeing you and Harry together.”

“Oh, um, thanks. I was happy to be invited. My classes are doing some online work this week. I bet a lot of them went out skiing to the mountains closer by.”

“So, was today your first day of skiing ever?”

“I tried it when I was younger, but haven’t since. It was fun, but I’m definitely tired. Did you have a nice day with Andy?”

“I did! It was nice for us to go on the lifts together and just be together. We had a nice lunch together too.”

“That’s great.” You say with a yawn. “Excuse me.” You chuckle. “I think I might turn in early.”

“No worries, go ahead.” She smiles.

“Goodnight.”

“Night, Y/N.”

You get into a large tee shirt and settle into bed with a book. When Harry gets back from the pool he sees you passed out with the lights on and your book on your chest. He takes a quick shower to rinse off and then he gets into bed with you. You turn over so he can hold you, and he snuggles right in.

“Love you, baby.” You say in a sleepy voice.

“Love you too.” He kisses your head and you sigh.

//

The next morning you hear rustling and sit up to see Harry doing some yoga. You giggle at him and he turns to see you.

“Make fun all you want, but it really gets me ready for the day.”

“I didn’t say a thing.”

You get out of bed and throw on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt, both Harry’s after doing your thing in the bathroom. You both go out to the kitchen and get some coffee started for everyone. He wraps his arms around you from behind as you both look outside at the fresh snow.

“This is the life, isn’t it?” He says as he kisses your cheek.

“Can’t complain too much.”

“You were so cute last night when I got back. You had completely passed out.”

“I was tired! My legs were killing me.”

“How do they feel now?”

“Fine, I should be able to get back on the bunny hill. Don’t feel like you need to babysit me or anything.”

“I’ll spend the morning with you just to make sure you’re good to go, and then I’ll do a couple of runs down the black diamonds.”

You turn your face and pucker lips. He smiles and then leans in to kiss you.

“Oh! Um, good morning.” Paige says as she walks into the kitchen with Noah. You start to move away from Harry out of instinct, but he keeps his arms wrapped around you.

“Morning, we made coffee.” Harry says.

“Thanks, I was thinking of making pancakes for the kids, that work for you two?” Noah asks.

“Sure.” You say and tap Harry’s hands so he’ll let you go, which his does reluctantly.

The kids emerge just as Noah’s finishing the last batch of pancakes. Everyone scarfs the food down, and you discuss who’s going with who for the day. Noah and Paige are going to ski with Rachel, and Harry and Andy are going to go with you.

“Were you alright in there this morning?” Harry asks you as you both get your ski clothes on.

“Yeah, why?”

“You stopped letting me hold you, like, the second they walked in.”

“I just felt a little…weird, I don’t know. I feel like a teenager on a family trip with my parents and boyfriend for some reason.”

“We’re all adults, babe, you don’t need to feel that way.”

“They’re not exactly showing off…”

“That’s because they don’t have a hot young thing on their arm like I do.” He smirks and puts his hands on your hips.

“You make it sound like I’m twenty years old, or like you’re forty. You’re not that much older than me.”

“Six years is a decent gap. I mean, think about it. When I was in my first year of uni, you were in the eighth grade.”

“Hm, good point, maybe I should call you Daddy more.” You wink and walk away from him to put your hair up into a braid.

“Save it for when we have kids.” He gives your bum a smack before leaving the bedroom and you shake your head.

//

You have fun doing the bunny hills with Harry and Andy in the morning, but you assure them they don’t need to stay with you the whole day. In fact, you end up going to the lodge for the afternoon to read and chill out while they go on the lifts to the higher mountains. It was relaxing to watch the snow flurry outside while you were curled up on a couch with a hot drink.

“There’s my little snow bunny.” Harry says as he plops down on the couch next to you.

“Hey, baby, where’s Andy?”

“Sent him up to the counter to get some hot ciders…I see you have one already?”

“Actually it’s tea, so a hot cider sounds great.”

“Perfect.” He kisses your cheek. “Still having fun?”

“Mhm, thanks for checking in.”

“Hi, Y/N, got you a cider.”

“Thank you.” You smile and take the drink from him. “I love apple cider, it’s so good.”

“It’s my favorite, second to hot chocolate.” Andy says as he grabs the spot next to Harry.

“Did you two have a good time on your runs?”

“Yeah! I only fell once.” Andy says proudly.

“It’s not icy at all, which is nice, Makes it easier to not whip down the mountain too fast.” Harry explains. “You know they have gondola rides in the early evenings, we could do that some night so you could see what it all looks like.”

“I’d like that.”

//

You were surprised at how easy going the week was. There was zero tension, neither of the kids acted up, and everything was just really chill. You were a little anxious, but you realized you really had no reason to be. A lot of laughs were had, you and Noah have a few inside jokes now, and you’re really starting to see the beauty of a blended family. Harry and Paige joke around here and there, but you notice they never sit next to each other, they never touch, and they’re not typically left alone in the same room for too long. Everything between them was purely platonic. You could tell they both were doing all of this for Andy, to give him some sense of normalcy. To see his parents together in some capacity.

You also noticed how much Harry really needed you there. He must have felt almost a little left out last year when he came with everyone. Andy’s used to living with Paige, Noah, and Rachel, but Harry isn’t. Having you there gave him some consistency and comfort. You could go off and take a walk together if he just needed a break. It was nice.

“You two have fun, we’ll just be here watching a movie.” Paige says as you both leave to go on a gondola ride back at the mountain resort.

“Thanks for watching ‘em tonight.” Harry waves off and leads you to his car.

“I’m really excited, babe.” You say as he starts the car.

“Me too, I guess they provide hot chocolate and stuff, and it’s a pretty smooth ride. Everything will be all lit up too.”

You were happy you brought your long coat to wear for this since it was a bit chilly, but it didn’t matter once you were inside your gondola since it was heated. Not to mention Harry put his arm around you immediately, keeping you extra toasty.

“This is so fucking romantic.” You nearly squeal. “Thank you so much, Harry.”

“Told you you’d have a great time this week.” He kisses your temple.

“They have these in Disney World, rides like this across the different parks, it’s so cool.”

“Yeah? You know, I was thinking of taking Andy there for this thirteenth birthday, give him a place he can really use his new phone in.”

“A little over a year to plan it out too, smart.”

“I thought it would be nice, too, as an end of middle school thing, finishing up the eighth grade in one piece and all that.”

“He’ll love, Har. You already know he loves all those Pixar movies. I bet he’ll really like that Toy Story Land in Hollywood Studios.”

“You…seem to know a lot about Disney Word.” He raises an eyebrow at you.

“May or may not have gone with Nora after I got my master’s.” You chuckle. “It’s a lot of fun as an adult. You drink around the world, and there are tons of bars and shops. A lively night life.”

“Well, if you’re such an expert I’ll have to make sure you come too.”

“Duh.” You scoff and it makes him laugh. “God, it’s so beautiful out there.” You gaze out the window at the lights below you illuminating the mountains in different colors.

Harry looks down at you and tilts your chin up. He tucks some hair behind your ear, and you smile as he leans in to kiss you. He lightly nips at your bottom lip before sucking on it. He licks into your mouth, and your tongue molds with his. Your fingers lace through his hair while he holds you as close as he can. He unzips your coat enough that he can kiss down to your neck.

“Harry.” You breathe. “I can’t diddle you in a gondola.”

“M’not asking you to.” He moves to look at you, a smirk growing on his face. “We’re just kissing, is that alright?”

You nod yes and let him continue his attack on your neck. You loved the way Harry would leave marks on you because he was so subtle about it at first. He’d gently kiss on the area, then he’d lick over it, and mouth at it, that would really get you going. Then he’d lightly graze his teeth over the area before really sucking on your tender skin. He was doing that now, and it felt so fucking good. You let out a soft moan, and you wish you could just crawl into his lap, but you didn’t think that would be safe right now.

His hands slide inside your coat so he stick his fingers inside the back of your jeans, squeezing at what he can of your ass. You continue to tug at his hair as he sucks on your skin. He was practically blood thirsty tonight. As much as you loved summer, you loved winter just the same. Turtlenecks and scarves were your best friend, so you didn’t really care how nasty of a bruise Harry left because you could easily cover it.

“Baby, don’t you wanna, um, look outside?” You were breathing heavily. You hear him grunt a ‘no’, and his hands move up your body to grope at your breasts.

His lips meet yours again, and you tug at his jacket, balling the material into your fists. God, you needed him, badly. You lick into his mouth and suck on his tongue, eliciting a groan from him that filled the gondola.

Needless to say, when your ride was over you got a few looks from the crew as you both had swollen lips and red cheeks. When you reach his car, you bite your bottom lip as you watch him get the key in the ignition and turn the heat on blast.

“What are you doing? Get in the car.” He chuckles.

“Is there somewhere private we can go?”

“Yeah.” He nods and you get in. “The movie theater lot is good for privacy.” A few minutes down the road, Harry parks the car in the theater lot. You both look at each other. “What do you wanna do, Y/N?”

“I wanna get in the back seat.” You mumble.

It was around this time last year that you had fucked some random guy in the backseat of his car. Funny how much could change in a year. You and Harry climb into the backseat of his car, heat still blasting to keep you both warm. You weren’t sure if you wanted to full on fuck since it was so cold, but you need to relieve some of the pressure that had built up in your stomach. You get onto his lap, and straddle one of his thighs.

“Gonna use my leg, darling?” He asks as he sponges kisses to the side of your neck that he didn’t attack earlier.

“Mhm.”

You rock back and forth on his thigh, and his hands grips your hips to help you along. He was desperate to see you come like this. He lifts his leg a little to add to the friction he knew you needed.

“That’s it, baby.” He grunts.

“Fuck, Harry, feels so good.” You groan and hide your face in his shoulder. “N-need your fingers, please.” You look at him almost doe-eyed, and he couldn’t say no to that.

He works swiftly to unbutton your jeans. He knew how much you hated having to keep your underwear on, but he assumed you didn’t really care right now from how hard you were grinding against him. He slips his hand inside your underwear and moans softly when he feels how wet you are. He’s able to slide three of his fingers right in and you gasp loudly. You needed the stretch right now. You have one hand tugging at his hair, and the other one tugging at the collar of his shirt. You ride his fingers with him barely needing to do anything.

“Oh my god.” You start panting. “Harry.”

“I want you to come so fucking hard, baby, go on.”

Your head rolls back, giving him such a wonderful view of your body. You squeeze around his fingers over and over, and he feels you pulse around him. Your eyes snap open as you come to your release, not that you can see anything because your vision’s gone hazy. Your scream fills the car, and Harry works you through it, his thumb rubbing at your clit so you can ride it out.

“Harry, please fuck me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” You press your lips to his. “Do you have any condoms in here?”

“Mhm, in the glove. Get on your knees, I’ll fuck you from behind so you don’t have to take your pants all the way off.”

You nod and get into position for him while he grabs a condom. You feel him behind you, and he spreads you apart to push inside. He grips one of the headrests to keep his balance while he thrusts inside you.

“Are you, shit, comfortable?” He says as he gets a pace going.

“As much as I can be, yeah.” You look over your shoulder at him and smile. “Are you?”

“Yeah, babe.” He gives your ass a light smack before gripping both of your hips to ram in and out of you. “Gotta make this quick, sorry.”

“It’s okay, feels good!” His tip was already hitting your g-spot, you were done for.

“Yeah, you like it like this?”

“Yes! Fuck, Harry.”

“Taking it so well for me, being so fucking good.”

“Call me your good girl, Harry.”

“You’re my good-oh shit!” He couldn’t finish his sentence. You telling him to call you that made him lose it. He uses the strength his has to reach around and rub your clit so you could get off with him.

“Ah!” You cry out as you release around him. You both take a moment to catch your breaths. He pulls out and gives your ass another smack, but more towards the area between your cheeks where you were a little sensitive right now. “Oh!” You gasp.

“Good girl.” He whispers in your ear and then kisses your cheek.

You were speechless, to say the least.

[blazewatergem]

I’ve literally never done this before but I feel confident sooooo HERE WE GO!

Name: JoAnna. Not giving a last name, sorry.

Nicknames: JoJo is my most common one, but I’ve been called; Jo, Blaze, and “Weirdo” in a affectionate tone before. Please, please do not call me JoAnn. Don’t. Don’t. No go. Cease and desist. I would literally rather be cussed out.

Why do I have two capitals in my name?: It’s not a typo, fun fact! My name is literally spelt that way because I am the actual ship name of my parents, Joe and Ann. :D even more nerdy history, I was originally going to be named after Seven of Nine. Mum won out though 😂

Location: Michigan, USA. Where not even the Heavens themselves know WTF our weather is going to be like.

Birthday: April 19th. I’m an Aries officially, but I REALLY don’t act like one.

Romantic Life: I identify as bisexual. I am also polyamorous, it fits better for me. However, I have only burned roads in the legit dating field. As in, I had exactly one(1) boyfriend and he proceeded to cheat on me before moving away. Then I got asked out as a joke, multiple times, by multiple people.

Health: I can’t really talk much about it in real life, but I’m more than certain I have Anxiety. I can’t get it properly diagnosed(parents are old fashioned. Still love them, and doing my best to try and get them caught up with the Now but...yknow...). I’m certain I have this through extensive research, and the fact that I’m literally training to be a therapist so...Psych classes. Yeah. I also have PCOS, which SUCKS SO BAD. 😭 The comments I’ve gotten on my body type...bruh, I’m just trying to love myself. (PS: If you’re the type to make unwanted comments on people’s bodies the exit is right there. Bye)

Appearence: Look me up on Instagram if you want. I got some decent selfies. Trust me, you already know the user name.

Occupation: College Student. Currently planning on majoring in Psychology to become a therapist, as I’ve been told I’m a good listener and I’d like to help people.

Least Favorite Subject: Algebra. Math. I just can’t do it. My body rejects thee.

Favorite Season: Fall. I love the colder months. Which makes my birthday ironic. At least the weather gods of Michigan occasionally gives me snow.

Fun Facts About Me:

I hate bugs in real life, but bugs in media I ADORE. Like I will SPRINT from a bee but I’ll study bugs in horror movies like they’re works of art.

I get scared and paranoid so easily but I love horror so much. Monsters are so much fun!

High School was, funny enough, better to me than my younger years in school. In Elementary, I dealt with people making fun of me about EVERYTHING(My dog, the fact that I’m a bigger girl, my love of fantasy) but in high school, everyone was super supportive! I made real friends there, and we’re all still close!

I have had one dog in my life. His name was Buddy, middle name Mojo, and he passed away roughly a year ago. I still miss him, and we have a tree planted out back in memorial.

In Middle School I had one friend who actively called me Shoelaces because of that old Tumblr post.

My final year of High School, because of how much I love Halloween, I bought two huge bags of candy and just...gave out pieces to whoever wanted some. My art class hailed me as a Queen, the teacher thought it was hilarious, and my favorite moment was how they told me to keep the Whoopers because I love those. I agreed, then proceeded to open up the second bag they didn’t know about. When they saw second bag, I think the laughter reached the second floor. 😂

I have trouble staying focused, so sometimes I vanish from fics unexpectedly. I promise, I’m never going to abandon anything I write. It’s just...really hard to focus on things. That’s why I start so many projects. That way I always have something to work on. At least that’s the idea. Questionable on whether that’s working 😂

Another funny High School story is that I was in a mock trail because I wanted to try out Law for a potential career. Found out the hard way arguments are...NOT something I can handle. Not even in a professional setting with no shouting. We won though! :D

I can’t eat cucumbers. They legit make me sick.

And I think that’s all I got! I got other funny stories, and I’m sure I’ll remember other stuff later. Normally, I hate talking about myself. On here though...I feel like I can really be myself.

😊 Y’all are awesome!!

[maggotzombie]

LIEBE LIESE: ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ɪᴠ – 𝒲𝒾𝓃𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒸𝒶𝓃𝒹𝓁𝑒𝓈

→ CHAPTERS LIST — CHAPTER III: HONEY LIPS WORD COUNT: 7,5k A/N: The overdue chapter is here (and several hours later than promised). I want to apologize once again for delaying it so much. I have this chapter planned in my head since I first started writing this fic but I couldn’t bring myself to write it for some reason. This is basically a get to know character, hope y’all like it.

HENRY TAKES a deep breath as he slowly wakes up and her scent fills his nostrils. He rolls to his back and, with his eyes still closed, he instinctively reaches out for the warmth of her body but the other side o the bed is empty, cold even, making his eyes snap open right away. Liese isn’t snuggled up in a very small space in the mattress like he wanted to, he’s alone.

Sunlight pours into the apartment heavily, the thin white drapes doing nothing to block it. As his eyes scan the vast open space, Henry is disappointed to not find her hourglass-shaped body anywhere.

He sits up. “Liese?” The man calls, his voice filling the space and bouncing back to him.

No response.

Sighing, Henry clenches his jaw and pushes the covers away from his lap before standing up. At the chair by the corner of the shelving, his clothes are neatly folded, the black boxer briefs on top of the pile. He then notices the blue slip of paper above it.

Without a second thought, he picks it up.

Hi, handsome.

Good morning! Sorry I’m not there. I have to go to work and I couldn’t bring myself to wake you up. You looked so heavenly sleeping. I’ve made you breakfast, hope you like it. It’s in the microwave and there’s coffee on the pot. You can leave my keys with Mr. Ferris at the front desk, he’s trustworthy ;) Can’t wait for our date tonight!

P.S.: I really hope you understand my handwriting because doctors really suck at it and I tried really hard. If not, you’ll find a text in your phone saying the exact same thing :p

Liebe, Liese xo

Henry smiles, still staring at the piece of paper. Her handwriting is really difficult in some parts, especially when e’s looks like i’s and o’s like a’s. But he did understand it and now he couldn’t stop smirking like an idiot.

* * *

Liese rests her chin on the heel of her hand, looking at her friend. “This is a power couple right here, I’m telling you,” Sierra states, holding her phone out to the others.

They have been discussing the success of this year’s benefit gala for the last ten minutes and now the subject is the silver-haired woman. The official photos of the event are circulating the internet and this is totally normal, considering the celebrities that have attended it. But her friends are way more interested in her photo with a certain actor.

“This is like the Queen B and Jay-Z of white people,” Her friend continues, making people laugh.

“That’s Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,” Kelsie points out.

“They aren’t married anymore,” Sierra makes a face, shaking her head.

“We also have different lines of work,” Liese says. “Beyoncé and Jay-Z are musicians while Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are actors.”

“Girl, I don’t care about that,” Her fellow doctor looks at her like she’s demented. “The point is that beautiful babies would come out of you with this much good genes.”

The woman laughs, shaking her head and standing up. “Great time to start doing our rounds, huh?” She says, walking away.

“We’re continuing this later,” Sierra says, walking beside her.

She shakes her head. “Nope, we’re not.”

They focus on their patients and each visit takes its own time as they pay very close attention and listen to everything they have to say, also making conversation other than the routine questions. Liese gets a text from Henry in-between visits and she replies to him quickly with a smile on her face while walking towards the next room.

Right away, the woman notices something’s off with the little girl they’re visiting. She doesn’t make eye contact with both doctors; her replies are single-worded and her mother does almost all the talking. While she desperately wants to engage in a conversation with her and find out exactly what’s bothering the girl, Liese needs to see other patients as well. So, she returns to her room after she finishes the rounds with Sierra.

A soft knock on the doorway has the two occupants looking at her. “Hey, I’m back,” She smiles softly. “So, I’ve noticed someone is a little upset today,” Liese starts. “And I was thinking: ‘What would I do if I was feeling down?’” She taps her index finger on her jaw, looking up as if in thought. “Then, I remember. Chocolate, obviously!” The woman shakes her head. “So, I went to the vending machine and got this for you,” She slowly reveals the candy bar, finally walking into the room. The little girl beams at her immediately. “But you shouldn’t eat all at once,” The doctor suggests, sitting on the bed and offering her the bar.

“What do we say, honey?” Her mother asks, sitting in the armchair next to the bed.

“Thanks, Dr. H,” Carol says quietly.

Liese smiles fondly at her. “You’re welcome, love,” She says.

Most of the kids call her “Dr. H” because it’s harder for younger ones to say “Hartmann”.

“Dr. H, can I ask you something?” Carol looks up at the doctor, completely ignoring the candy.

She tilts her head slightly. “Sure.”

“Can I braid your hair?” The little girl asks out of the blue.

“My hair?” Liese frowns, taken aback by the sudden request.

“Yes,” She nods. “Your hair is very pretty,” She praises and the frown on the doctor’s face just deepens.

“Well, thanks. But where have you seen it?” She asks.

Liese’s go-to hairstyle for work is a simple bun. It’s practical because it keeps her hair out of her face when she needs to run around the ED and it’s sanitary because, well, she works in hospitals. It’s also very appropriate in a working environment. So, she is utterly confused by the girl’s statement.

“On your Instagram,” Carol replies like it’s obvious.

She immediately panics inside, wondering how many of her patients check her social media.

“Oh,” Her eyebrows shoot to her hairline before she frowns slightly again for a second before snapping out of it. “Okay, sure. But I only have one hair tie,” She points out.

“It’s fine, turn around,” The little girl says excitedly, sitting her chocolate bar to the side.

Liese glances at her mother who shrugs off with a smile before she turns around. She pulls her hair out of the bun and down her shoulders, combing it slightly with her fingers and smoothing down the roots. Carol’s eyes shine in excitement as the silver locks pour down Liese’s back. Then, the doctor rests her hands on her lap, waiting for Carol to start braiding and she does so after shyly asking permission to actually touch her hair.

“It’s so smooth,” Carol beams, running her little finger through her hair. “And shiny!”

“Do you know why I dyed it?” She asks, trying to access how much stalking the girl did on her Instagram.

“Because you lost a bet with Otto,” She replies, starting to braid the right side of her hair.

Liese chuckles, amused by her calling her brother by the name but also concerned. “Yes, you’re right.”

“Who’s Otto?” Her mother asks, frowning.

“He’s Dr. H’s little brother,” Carol explains.

The expression on her mother’s face is of pure chock as Liese nods slightly. “Guess I need to be very careful of what I post, huh?” She muses, trying to make less of the awkward situation.

“And I should start monitoring what this young lady is doing online,” The woman replies, giving a pointed look at her daughter.

“Mom!” Carol whines and the doctor chuckles.

The little girl works quickly, tugging and twisting Liese’s hair skillfully. She braids each side, joining both of it on the back of the doctor’s head with an imperceptible knot. Carol easily convinces Liese to let her take photos of the braid with her phone so she could see it.

“Oh my God,” The doctor says, truly surprised by the professional-looking braid. “This is so gorgeous, thank you so much, Carol,” She looks at the girl.

She smiles, resting her head on her hands. “I wish I had hair like yours,” Carol confesses dreary.

The look on the woman’s face softens. “Is that why you’re upset, sweetheart?” She asks, turning her whole body towards her and giving her full undivided attention. The little girl shrugs, eyes falling to her lap. “Honey, you don’t have to worry. Your hair will grow back and I bet it’s gonna look prettier than mine,” Liese tries to reassure her.

Leukemia is a real bitch. Like any other type of cancer, it makes you suffer throughout the very brutal treatment. When kids experience it, in Liese’s opinion, it’s even worse. It’s hard to explain to them what’s happening and why they can’t be around so many people like before because their immune system is too compromised.

She shrugs off nonchalantly. “I guess,” She murmurs, her eyes still focused on her fidgeting hands.

“You know what you can do while it doesn’t grow back?” The doctor starts, trying to pique her interest.

“What?” Carol asks, still avoiding eye contact.

“You can wear wigs!” Liese says. “Mel from down the hall says it’s very cool to have a different hairstyle or hair color every day,” She adds. “You should talk to her,” Liese suggests.

Finally, Carol snaps her head up and looks at her mother. “Can we do that?” She asks, excited again.

“Sure,” Her mother nods with a smile.

The little girl looks back at Liese with a huge grin on her face in which the woman corresponds. “Dr. Hartmann to the nurse’s station,” The female voice says on speaker.

“Well, that’s me,” The doctor says, standing up from the bed with her phone in hands. “Thanks for the brai – Oof,” She puffs when Carol throws herself into Liese’s arms, hugging her neck tightly.

“I love you, Dr. H,” The little girl says and it surprises Liese.

She then smiles, hugging her small body. “I love you too, Carol,” She replies. “I’ll check on you later today, okay?”

“Okay,” She nods, sitting back on the bed.

“Thank you so much, Dr. Hartmann,” Carol’s mother says when she reaches the door.

“Sure,” She smiles before finally leaving the room.

While Liese was comforting the little girl, Henry walks into the medical facility. Right after he passes through the front door, he realizes that coming there might not be a good idea after all. He has no clue as to where he can find her and she’s working; he shouldn’t be bothering her at work.

“Sir, can I help you?” A young woman at the front desk asks, breaking his thoughts.

“Ah, yes, ma’am,” He smiles politely, approaching her. “Do you know where I can find Dr. Liese Hartmann?”

She makes a face. “I don’t, actually,” Then she chuckles. “But if you go to the nurse’s station on the first floor, they can page her,” She says. “Elevators are through there,” She instructs.

“Thank you,” Henry offers a smile.

“Big fan, by the way,” She adds quickly as he starts to move away.

The man’s smile grows wider. “Thank you,” He repeats, finally walking away.

He follows the young woman’s instructions and gets in the elevator to the first floor. The building only has two floors above the ground level but it looks exactly like a hospital. Nurses and doctors are walking around in scrubs, patients and relatives.

Patients. That’s when Henry is sure it wasn’t a good idea to come there. The patients in that facility are kids from two to sixteen-years-old and he’s fucking Superman. Right now he’s just praying they won’t recognize him because it’s gonna be hell to leave if they do.

“Good morning, ma’am,” Henry says when he approaches the nurse’s station. “I’m looking for Dr. Liese Hartmann. The lady at the reception said you could page her from here.”

The woman double looked at him and her jaw dropped while he was talking. They were talking about him just a few hours ago.

“Uh, sure. Yes, I can do that,” She recovers quickly when he stops talking. “One second.”

“Thank you,” He offers her his breathtaking smile and, boy, she could have fainted.

Smiling at him, the usual effect Henry’s charm has on women, she picks up the phone. “Dr. Hartmann to the nurse’s station,” She says over the phone and her voice is amplified by the speakers. “Give her a couple of minutes.”

“Alright. Thank you so much,” Henry replies, smiling at her again.

It’s doesn’t take a couple of minutes, though. The man pulls his phone from his pocket to check a message and a flicker of silver catches the corner of his eye. He looks up to see the gorgeous doctor coming out of a patient room wearing blue scrubs and a lab coat above it. She looks absolutely stunning with her hair down her shoulders in beachy waves and the waterfall braid.

Liese’s eyes go straight to him and she hesitates for a split second, surprised by seeing him there. Then she smiles, walking towards him.

“Mr. Cavill, hello,” She greets him professionally.

He gets the hint and plays along right away. “Dr. Hartmann,” Henry nods, shaking her hand. “Pleased to meet you again,” He adds and she offers him a mischievous smirk that only he understands in that way.

“Likewise,” The doctor replies. “I’m very glad you took up on my offer to meet the facilities. Should we talk about the details in my office?” She offers suggestively.

Henry nods. “Lead the way.”

With a smile, Liese motions to the elevators he just came from and they walk towards there ignoring everybody gawking at Henry, especially Sierra who was practically arranging their wedding earlier. The elevator ride to the ground level is silent because they aren’t alone but both of them are trying to hold back the laugh.

The walk to her office has fewer eyes on them but it’s only when Henry sees her name on a door that he smirks. She opens the door for him still in a professional way and he walks in. Liese quickly follows, closing the door and having him on her as soon as it clicks closed.

She giggles with his lips on hers. “Hey,” The woman says, before pulling him down at the neck and kissing him deeper.

“Hi,” He breathes out, a silly grin in his face and forehead resting against hers. “You are gorgeous, by the way,” He praises.

She rolls her eyes, moving away. “I’m literally wearing scrubs,” Liese deadpans.

“It doesn’t matter,” The man smiles, looking at her walk around. “So, I’ve come to drop this off,” He says.

Her keys dangle from his hand and the doctor smiles, leaning against her desk. “You could have left it with Mr. Ferris,” She says as he approaches her.

Henry puts his hands on each side of the table, trapping her against it and his body. “I could,” He leans down and kisses her neck softly. “But then I wouldn’t have an excuse to come see you,” Henry adds, kissing the other side of her neck.

She giggles, taking his face with both hands and kissing his lips. “Did you sleep well?” Liese asks, looking into his eyes. “I swear, you looked so at peace when I left that I couldn’t bring myself to disturb you,” She says.

“I did, actually,” He replies, taking a seat at one of the comfortable chairs in front of her table. “Your mattress is wonderful. It’s like sleeping in a cloud,” He says and the woman chuckles. “Matter of fact, it’s the first time in a very long time that I sleep past nine.”

“Why? Kal doesn’t let you stay longer?” Liese asks with a content smile on her lips.

“Well, that and I just can’t stay in bed at all,” The man nods.

“I can think of ways to make you stay,” She starts and Henry’s eyes darken immediately, looking up at her.

“Hmm, I like where your mind is going,” He says, leaning towards her and reaching his hand to caress her thighs. “You have a nice office,” The man adds but he hadn’t even taken a look around her office. “Tell me, have you ever had some fun in here?”

The doctor smirks, pushing his shoulder back and straddling his lap.

Henry’s hands immediately find her waist. “Not today, Mr. Cavill,” She whispers against his lips. “Perhaps when you come back for your visit to see the facility,” Liese teases with a hand caressing his chest. “Right now, I’m afraid I’m kicking you out.”

He was about to kiss her lips when Liese suddenly stands up, making Henry pout. “Seriously?” He asks, looking up at her incredulously.

“Mmhm,” The doctor hums with a nod. “One of my friends was already naming our children earlier. I don’t want to give them the tea,” She confesses. “But I’m looking forward to our date tonight,” Liese smiles at him.

“I’m looking forward to it, too,” He replies, standing up and bringing her body closer to his with one hand. “Our children, huh?” He says as they part their lips.

Liese chuckles. “Yeah. Apparently, our ‘good genes’ would result in beautiful babies,” She makes air quotes.

“Well, I concur,” Henry nods, making the woman chuckle again.

“Let’s take baby steps, okay?” She says. “The date first.”

“Sure. Pick you up at seven?” He suggests.

Liese nods. “Sounds great,” Then she stands on her tiptoes to kiss his lips while resting both hands on his chest. “Now, allow me to walk you out, Mr. Cavill.”

“Please, lead the way, Dr. Hartmann,” He plays along again, making her laugh in amusement.

She straightens her clothes a little before opening the door and walking out with Henry following. At the door, they shake hands again. “Thank you for coming by, Mr. Cavill. I really appreciate your interest,” The doctor says and Henry almost laughs at the real meaning of those words.

“Of course, ma’am. I’ll have my manager to call you with a date,” He replies.

“Great. Have a nice day,” Liese smiles.

“You too, ma’am,” The man smiles before walking away.

The woman watches as he walks towards his car and turns her back when he gets into it. Amelie, the young woman at the front desk, has a smirk on her face when Liese looks at her.

“He looks so much more handsome in person, right?” She says, smiling like a real fangirl.

“I’d say so, yes,” The doctor agrees, chuckling at her.

“And he smells so good too!” Amelie adds excitedly.

Now Liese laughs. “Yeah, okay Amelie. If anyone asks for me, I’m in my office,” She says, already walking back there.

She sighs when she closes the door and a silly smile plays in her lips. The keychain sitting in her desk makes her feel like a teenager as she recalls everything that just happened in her office.

But she doesn’t allow herself to keep doing that as she has a lot of work to get done. So, the woman pushes off the door and walks around the desk, sitting behind it. Liese puts her keys into her purse before focusing on the paperwork that needed attention.

That’s when there’s a knock on the door and then Sierra slips right into the room without even waiting for an answer.

“Nooo,” Liese whines, sitting back on her chair and pitching the bridge of her nose.

“Soulmates, you guys are soulmates, I’m telling you!” Her friend starts, taking a seat at the chair Henry was in minutes ago. “You guys look so good together. Brangelina ain’t shit compared to you guys.”

“Sie, I really need to read these,” She points at the documents.

Her friend nods. “I’ll be quick. He’s just so handsome…”

Liese rolls her eyes and sits back on her chair. For the next forty minutes – yeah, that long –, Sierra explains how they’re perfected for each other, even googling Henry to point out things they have in common. Lunchtime is no different, except this time her friend has allies to convince Liese as to why she should ask the actor out on a date.

In the afternoon, the woman has the desired peace she wanted to go through the paperwork carefully. She gets a lot of things done until the time to leave arrives but she actually goes back to Carol’s room. They talk for a while and Liese asks the little girl to teach her how to do the waterfall braid by herself.

Before she could be late for her date, she gets an Uber home. “Good evening, Mr. Ferris. Got anything for me today?” She smiles kindly at the elder man, leaning on the front desk.

“Dr. Hartmann, hello,” He smiles at her. “Just a couple today,” Mr. Ferris says, turning around to the mailboxes. “A very polite gentleman came looking for you last night and I told him your apartment number because he didn’t seem like a bad person to me,” He says calmly as he turns back around towards Liese with her mail. “I hope it’s alright for you. If not, I’m terribly sorry, I-”

The woman interrupts him, shaking her head and resting a hand above his. “It’s quite alright, Mr. Ferris. Really,” She reassures him. “Also, I’m sure you saw him leaving this morning,” She winks at him.

“Well, I’m not one to pry on anyone’s business,” He shrugs off, making her laugh.

“You’re the best, Mr. Ferris,” Liese leans forward to kiss his cheek. “Thank you so much,” She says before moving away.

The elder man chuckles at her. “He seems to be very nice, Dr. Hartmann,” Mr. Ferris adds.

“He is, Mr. Ferris,” She looks back at him. “And you can call me Liese,” The woman smiles.

“Sure. When you start calling me Carl,” He says nonchalantly, smiling at her later.

Liese waves at him before getting into the elevator. She doesn’t bother to check the mail; she simply discards it on the console table by the front door. The doctor goes straight to the bathroom, taking a relaxing shower. Then she applies a face mask and realizes she doesn’t know what to wear.

The woman panics as she stares at her closet. “Hey, gorgeous,” Henry says as he picks up the call and Liese can sense a smile on his face, making her smile as well.

“Hi, handsome,” She giggles, amused by the exchange. “Where are you taking me? I don’t know what to wear,” She confesses. “And don’t worry about ruining surprises, I don’t know many restaurants and I won’t Google it.”

Henry chuckles at her bluntness and she feels a chill running down her spine just by the sound of it. “It’s a place called Clos Maggiore,” He replies.

“Sounds fancy. Okay, I know exactly what to wear. You’ll love it,” She says, picking a hanger and looking at the dress.

“I’m pretty sure I’d love anything you decided on,” The man replies.

Liese snorts. “I wouldn’t be that sure,” She says. “Anyway, I have to get ready.”

“There’s still an hour and a half until I have to pick you up,” He points out.

“Yeah, well. Some of us weren’t born that handsome,” The woman replies. “Plus, I’ll make sure you will need to pick your jaw from the floor when you see me,” She teases.

He chuckles again. “Okay, I’ll let you go then. See you soon.”

“Bye,” Liese blows him a kiss before hanging up.

The woman leaves the dress on her bed and picks a pair of high heel sandals. She also decides on jewelry and then washes the face mask off. Liese decides on a simple makeup and, by the time she’s styling her hair, her phone starts to ring. Propping it against the vanity mirror, she answers the FaceTime call.

“Hey Gustav,” She says.

“Lis, it’s poker night. You coming?” Her brother asks without even looking at her. “Oh wow, you’re all dolled up,” He says, finally looking at her.

She frowns. “It’s Wednesday,” She points out. “And, no, I won’t come. I have a date.”

Gustav laughs right away. “No, you don’t. I don’t believe that for a second,” He says and she rolls her eyes. “What are you really up to?” He asks.

“A date,” The woman insists. “I don’t have time to talk right now. I will call you later if feel like it,” She says, pulling her curling iron down.

“No, don’t hang up. Come to poker nig-” Her brother tries but she hangs up on his face anyway.

She ignores Gustav calling again and puts on the dress, smoothing it on her body while analyzing her reflection on the mirror. Heels, accessories and some perfume later, the woman gathers a few things in a small clutch. When she picks up a trench coat from her closet, Henry sends her a text, letting her know that he’s waiting for her in the lobby.

On my way down.

She replies before shoving her phone into the clutch. Liese dresses the coat and turns off the lights, waking out of her studio apartment. The elevator ride is very quick and, soon enough, she spots Henry’s large form when the doors open. He has his back towards her and turns around when he hears the sound of heels against the floors.

True to her words, Henry has to pick his jaw from the floor when he sees her. The burgundy velvet dress hugs her form perfectly, the deep V neck showing the curve of her breasts. She styled the silver hair with beachy waves, much like he had seen in the morning, looking very natural.

“Y-You’re… Uh… Wow,” Henry stutters as she walks towards him. “You’re stunning,” He manages to blurt out.

Liese chuckles slightly, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks, but I don’t believe it,” She says. “You said the same thing when I was wearing scrubs,” Liese explains with a pointed look and he chuckles.

“It’s not about the clothes,” The man replies with a soft look on his face and she almost melts.

“Well, you’re very handsome yourself,” She praises, a hand running under the lapel of his coat.

Henry’s wearing a deep blue three-piece suit with a gray dress shirt, two buttons popped open to reveal some chest hair. On top of that, he has a thick dark coat. His curled short hair falls over his forehead, making him look both adorable and extremely hot. Overall, he could make Liese wet if he smirked at her.

She’s simply glad that she went all the way because she’d feel extremely underdressed if she had chosen something different.

“Thanks,” He smiles at her.

“Looking very good, Dr. Hartmann,” Mr. Ferris says and suddenly Liese remembers him.

She looks his way and smiles. “Thanks, Mr. Ferris.”

“Shall we?” Henry asks and she looks back at him.

“Sure. Good night, Mr. Ferris,” The woman bids goodbye to the elder man.

“See you soon, sir,” The actor says to Mr. Ferris.

“Have a good time,” He wishes.

“Thanks,” The couple replies at the same time.

Henry leads Liese outside with a hand on the small of her back. “This one,” He steers her to a black Bentley, completely different from the SUV he drove her there yesterday.

“Nice car,” She praises as he opens the door for her.

He chuckles. “Thanks,” He says.

The man walks around the car while she buckles the belt. “How many cars do you have?” She asks, looking at him with a smile.

“A few,” Henry shrugs off and she raises both eyebrows. “I like cars,” He says and she chuckles.

“Sure,” She says.

“How about you?” He asks, starting the car.

“As of now, zero,” Liese replies. “The only car I want it’s my brother’s and I haven’t been lucky these last few years.”

“Really?” He glances at her.

“Yeah,” She nods. “I don’t mind taking the tube, in fact, I don’t care at all.”

“You’re very humble, aren’t you?” Henry chuckles.

“I am, actually,” She says. “I appreciate you taking me to this restaurant, don’t get me wrong, but I also could do a pub with oily snacks and a pint,” The man glances at her again with an amused expression. “I was raised with boys,” She shrugs off.

“At least I already know where our second date is gonna be,” He says.

“Oh, honey. You’re so hopeful,” Liese jokes and laughs at his expression.

The ride to Covent Garden is not long but filled with chit chat. Soon, Henry pulls over in front of the restaurant. He leaves the car and quickly makes his way around it to open the door to Liese. He helps her out and offers his arm like a real gentleman.

With arms linked, the couple gets into the restaurant, not before Henry could praise Liese again. “Good evening,” The hostess smiles at them as they approach.

“Good evening. We have a reservation under the name Cavill,” He says.

She nods, quickly typing on her iPad. “Of course, allow me to show you to your seats,” The hostess says, turning around.

The couple follows her into the bar section, the walls covered by green plants, what both amazes Liese and makes her wonder if it’s real. Red leather contrasts with orange wood and brown seats. Two rooms are just like that before they get into a room with cherry blossoms covering the ceiling with twinkling lights intertwined in it.

“Oh wow,” Liese murmurs, looking up at the cherry blossoms.

Henry has to guide her the rest of the way because she isn’t able to tear her eyes away from it. The hostess leads them to a more secluded table but placed in the same gorgeously decorated space.

“May I take your coats?” The woman guiding them asks.

The man nods and then proceeds to help Liese out of her coat. She’s still mesmerized by her surroundings to the point she doesn’t take her eyes away from the ceiling as Henry helps seat down too. He removes his coat, handing it to the hostess before taking a seat across from Liese.

“A waiter will be with you soon,” The hostess says, holding both of their coats. “Have a nice diner.”

“Thank you,” Henry says to the woman and then looks back at his date when she leaves. A smile forms in his lips. “Well? What do you think?” He asks and she finally looks back at him.

“This place is gorgeous,” She says, reaching out to take his hand. “Thank you so much for bringing me here,” She adds sincerely and Henry smiles wider.

“You’re very welcome,” He starts. “But it’s not as gorgeous as you are,” The man praises once again.

For the first time since they’ve met, Henry sees Liese blushing. At the moment he opens his mouth to say something else, the waiter arrives at their table. He handles both of them menus and waits for them to decide on what to eat. Henry picks a bottle of wine and the waiter praises his choice before walking away.

“Très bien,” Liese says in French in a joking manner.

He smiles at her immediately. “Do you speak French too?” He asks, teasing.

“Non pas du tout,” She chuckles at her joke and he joins her. “I mean, I can remember bits from school but, fluently, only German and English.”

“When did you move here?” Henry asks.

“I’m British, Henry,” The woman giggles, answering his question. “I did live in Germany for a while when I was a teenager, but I was born and raised in Hampstead,” She explains.

“I’d never know,” He shakes his head slightly. “You very German-looking,” He adds.

“Well, my mother is half German and my father is totally German,” She says. “Granddad married a German lady, had my mom, she met my dad in an exchange program she was doing there. When she came home, he came looking for her shortly after.”

The waiter comes back with appetizers and the wine bottle Henry ordered. “Thanks,” The actor says to him. “Cheers,” The actor raises his wine glass to clink with hers.

“Cheers,” She smiles and takes a sip.

“About your parents,” He continues the conversation. “Sounds like a Hollywood rom-com,” Henry says and then, he leans forward on the table. “While we’re in this topic, I’m intrigued,” He starts.

“Okay,” Liese nods, nibbling on the appetizer.

“Do you know that I’ve played Superman, right?” He asks, frowning slightly while looking at her.

“Of course,” The woman nods again.

“Oh, okay,” He nods too. “It’s just because you’ve never mentioned anything related to it and people usually point it out right away,” He explains.

Liese chuckles at him. “I work with and very close to children, Cavill. I’d consider myself a really bad doctor for not knowing every superhero film, cartoons, and animations,” She says.

“It makes sense,” Henry agrees, chuckling along with her.

“I just never mentioned because I didn’t think it would gonna make a difference. Would it?” She asks, resting her chin on her palm.

“Not at all,” He shakes his head, opening a smile. “I’m glad you didn’t, actually,” He smiles. “So, tell me, how long have you been working at the foundation?”

Liese proceeds to tell him that she’s one of the founders of it, that’s why she’s the head of the medical staff. Angela Davies, the little girl that named the foundation, was the woman’s patient at St. Thomas’ and is in remission to this day because of her efforts along with her friend, Sierra Jones. So, the two doctors and the patient’s father, who happens to be a millionaire, started the foundation to help other kids.

Liese’s phone doesn’t stop ringing into her purse and she finally looks at it when their food arrives. There were three missed calls from Gustav along with a bunch of texts of him whining about her missing poker’s night. She ignores all of it and leaves her phone at the table, focusing back on their meal.

The conversation is very easygoing, but the doctor does most of the talking. Henry is trying to get to know her the best he can. She tells him that she practically has three jobs; the formal one at St. Thomas’ Hospital, at the Angela Davies Foundation and a private practice in which she sees patients at home, usually on her downtime. But she explains that she chose not to get paid for the work she does at the foundation and she’s very proud of it.

“I’m really sorry about this,” She says suddenly, taking her phone off the table after the third buzz.

“If you need to take this, I’m okay with it,” Henry reassures.

“No, it’s fine,” She shakes her head, locking the screen. “It’s just my brother annoying me for not coming to poker night,” Liese waves her hand nonchalantly. “He doesn’t believe I’m on a date,” She rolls her eyes.

The man frowns, pretty sure he had seen the name ‘Gustav’ on the screen. “How many brothers do you have, anyway?” He asks.

“Too many,” She widens her eyes slightly, taking a sip of the wine. “After my parents had my older brother,” The woman starts to explain after seeing his face.

“Anton,” He says.

“No, Wolfgang,” Liese corrects him with a chuckle. “Yeah, well. After they had Wolfie, they wanted a girl but Anton came along. They tried again and had me. It was supposed to be it. However, when I was five, my mother got pregnant by ‘accident’,” She makes air quotes. “Identical twins, Gustav and Otto.”

“No way,” Henry chuckles at said ‘accident’.

“Yeah,” The doctor nods. “So, I have four brothers,” She rests her chin on her palm. “This tends to scare guys away,” She confesses, looking at him.

“Well, not me,” He says with a smile.

She smiles at him too. “How about you?” Liese asks, picking up her fork.

“Oddly enough, I have four brothers, too,” The man replies.

“Any sister?” Now she’s the one with the questions because she genuinely didn’t know anything about him.

He shakes his head. “Only brothers.”

“Oh,” She makes a face. “Your poor mother,” The woman jokes.

Henry chuckles. “She’s a strong woman,” He says, clearly proud of her.

“I bet,” She smiles. “Are you older than the rest?”

“No,” The man shakes his head again. “I have three older brothers; Piers, Niki, and Simon; and one younger brother, Charlie.”

“Well, at least you’re not the one who’s always being compared to the others,” Liese chuckles.

“My family is not like that,” He explains.

“Good. Mine neither,” She sips her wine again.

“What do you mean when you said your brother doesn’t believe you’re on a date?” Henry asks, interested in that.

The woman pauses for a bit, licking her lips. “I don’t… Go on dates,” She replies slowly.

“What?” He laughs in disbelief. “You’re one of the most stunning women I’ve ever seen in my life. How come you don’t have guys asking you out?” The man asks, completely dumbfounded.

“I mean, they do,” Liese shrugs slightly. “I just don’t go,” She explains. “My last relationship was… disappointing, to say the least. So, I kinda gave up on that and focused on work,” Liese confesses. “I have a lot of that, anyway,” She chuckles bitterly.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Henry says, sounding genuine. “And I hope you didn’t give up on it completely.”

“Well, I’m here, ain’t I?” She smiles at him.

“And I really appreciate it,” He says and gets a wink in response as she takes a bite of the food.

Liese’s phone vibrates on her lap and she has an idea. “This might sound idiotic, but do you mind if I take a photo of you?” She asks out of the blue. “I mean, you handsome as fuck, but I think it’d make my brother shut up,” She explains and he laughs.

“I don’t mind as long as you let me take photos of you too,” He bargains. “I’d love to brag about you to my brothers.”

“Photos?” She raises an eyebrow with a smile. “Well, that escalated quickly. I just need one,” She chuckles, raising her phone towards him. “Give me your best, Superman,” The woman says after taking a few pics of him serious and he chuckles at her words. “Thanks,” She bites her lips, choosing one picture.

“My turn?” He asks, taking his phone from the inner pocket of the jacket.

“Snap away, handsome,” Liese says, cropping the photo so it just shows from his cute chin and below. “Cameras don’t love me as they love you, though,” She smiles, glancing up at him. “I’m not a Hollywood star,” Liese teases him and looks back down at her phone and sending the photo to Gustav.

“I have to disagree on that,” The man says. “You look amazing,” He adds. “But I want you to pose for me, too.”

He’s snapping photos of her since she said he could but she poses to him anyway and he takes quite a few amazing shots. Then, the woman’s phone vibrates on her lap again with a new text from Gustav and she glances down at the notification.

Hm, Jaeger-LeCoultre. Fancy. Very. Fancy. Who’s that? Show me his face.

She rolls her eyes at the text and decides to turn off the phone. “What did he say?” Henry asks, amused by her reaction.

“I think the only thing he saw was your watch,” She says, rolling her eyes.

He chuckles. “So, poker night?” The man furrows his brows.

“Well,” Liese chuckles. “My brothers always included me in everything and my family never had the gender separation nonsense. Like, this is for boys and this is for girls,” She explains.

“That sounds like parenting done right,” Henry says, making her smile wider.

“Exactly! That’s how I want to do in my family, too,” She says.

The lamp goes off in his head as the man sips the wine. Finally, the questions that really matter to know one’s intentions for the long term.

“You want a family?” He asks.

She nods right away. “Of course. And a big one, too,” She replies, unintentionally pleasing Henry with it. “I think I’d feel void without at least three kids,” She chuckles. “I don’t know about you, but my teenage mornings were very chaotic with a family of seven and I honestly miss it.”

“Mine was, too,” Henry smiles, nodding too. “And I quite agree with you. I’d feel like something’s missing.”

“Yes!” The woman doesn’t hide her excitement. “But I’d like to have more than one girl so she won’t suffer alone the pain that is to share the bathroom with boys,” She chuckles.

“Two girls sound nice,” He agrees again. “To be honest, I can’t stand the thought of guys touching my baby girl or girls. So, I change my mind, no girls,” He says and she laughs.

“You’re so silly,” Liese shakes her head slightly. “So, tell me more about that role you’re trying to get. The one that has hair like mine,” She asks and she’s glad she did because Henry’s eyes light up right away.

For the rest of the diner, she listens Henry talking about this fantasy character named Geralt. He explains how he’s annoying the hell out of the producers since he heard Netflix would make a TV series of it.

They share desert and the actor doesn’t allow Liese to pay half of the bill. He helps her to put her coat the foyer of the restaurant and slips his own before they step out in the cold night. Once again, Henry makes sure to open and close the door for Liese before rushing to the driver’s seat.

Henry tries to persuade her into going to his house by saying that Kal misses her, but the woman declines politely. She has to wake up even earlier tomorrow for her shift at St. Thomas’, so, sleeping in his place is completely out of question.

The drive back to her apartment building is much faster but equally entertaining as they continue talking. However, when he parks in front of it and immediately reaches the door handle, Liese stops him with a hand on his arm.

“Thank you so much for the amazing evening, I had an amazing time,” Liese says honestly, a satisfied smile playing on her lips as she stares into his eyes.

“I had an amazing time, too,” Henry says, smiling at her. “You’re a wonderful woman,” He watches as she unbuckles her belt.

“And you’re a real gentleman,” She starts to lean closer to him. “A dying kind,” She whispers against his lips before sealing it with hers.

His large hands cup her face and she pulls him closer from the neck, deepening the kiss. Things start to get heated quickly and, with a simple hand on her waist, Henry pulls the woman over the car console to his lap. She runs her hands on his chest and he doesn’t realize as she stuffs something in the front pocket of his suit jacket.

She stops everything when he slides his lips to her neck and collarbone, squeezing her ass and making her moan. “I have to get in,” Liese whispers, capturing his lips one last time tonight. “Don’t let Kal have this one,” She says, patting his chest and confusing him as she climbs out of his lap. “Have a good night, Mr. Cavill. I’ll call you,” Liese pecks his lips and winks at him before opening the door and leaving his car.

Henry is completely baffled as he watches her hips sway with a semi hard-on into his pants. Then, a few seconds after she disappeared into the building, he chuckles, shaking his head.

“What a woman,” He says to himself, pushing his hair out of his face and restarting his car.

The man drives home and Kal greets him as usual. He puts food for the big bear before starting to undress. His mind was already going a thousand miles while thinking about Liese, but then he finds what she stuffed into his pocket. Slowly, he pulls the small, lacy piece of underwear from it.

Now it makes sense what she said about not letting Kal have that one.

Henry stares at it for a whole minute, wondering at what point the woman slid it off because he didn’t notice at all. She was definitely wearing it because it smells like her and it’s still warm. With his mouth still dropped open, Henry grabs his phone and snaps a photo of the pantie.

Are you kidding me? When did you take this off?, he texts her.

While we’re slightly making out in the car. I hope you liked the gift ;p, she texts back almost immediately.

I did, but I prefer taking it out myself, Henry replies.

I’m sorry, my shift at St. Thomas’ starts very early tomorrow. I’ll repay you soon, I promise xo, her last text says.

The man simply shakes his head with a smile on his face while Liese does the same in her apartment.

* * *

— CHAPTER V: BOYFRIEND MATERIAL

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

Happy (Slightly Belated) Birthday, Baghdad Waltz!

*CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BAGHDAD WALTZ UP TO CHAPTER 37*

I know these are stressful times right now, but I wanted to post a little something for BW’s third birthday on 3/13/2020 (and I’m a little late because I had a lot to say). THREE!! I cannot believe it. Truly, I cannot, but here we are. I know there are still a few stragglers hanging around from when I first started posting this story (extra hearts to you all), so many people who have come and gone and sometimes return again, and so many new people joining this crazy journey all the time. 

You are all so great, and you make it possible for me to keep writing this. I probably would have quit a long time ago without your support, because this shit has been quite hard to sustain sometimes. I know I am very bad at keeping up with comments and things, and I’m so sorry.  I am terrible with social media, too. People IRL will say the same thing about me. I am super old school and still talk on the phone with my friends. I KNOW. 

(Heyyyy Bayside High)

I’ve prepared a couple of things for BW’s birthday. First, a few statistics I thought I’d whip up. Then a few questions and answers about BW, both from myself and from my beloved beta, @pitchforkcentral86​. And I’m still trucking away diligently at chapter 38! I just have a few scenes to go. 

 -- BW Statistics -- 

---------------------------------------------

Words to date: 526,011

Chapters to date: 37

Shortest chapter: 3,821 words (Prologue)

Longest chapter: 31,395 words (Chapter 33)

Number of words per chapter: 12,530 (median), 14,257 (average) (note: the median is probably a better measure, since this is such an abnormal distribution - see below for the changes in chapter length over time)

Estimated total work to date: 2,890-3,120 hours (approx 18-20 hours/week). This includes writing, rewriting, editing, research, conversations with beta, outlining, and a small portion of the brainstorming. This is a conservative estimate and only includes a fraction of the ambient thinking I do about this story. And God, I do so much processing when I sleep! Perhaps I will be a BW “expert” -- estimated at around 10,000 hours I guess? -- by the time I am done with the story and all my revisions hahahahaaaaaa D: 

Money spent to date (estimated): $600-700. This includes books on various subject matter and writing craft, video access to therapy education resources, and other educational materials. This does not include the incalculable sum in lost productivity from thinking about BW when I’m supposed to be doing other things!

Most of you probably don’t know this, but @pitchforkcentral86​ is not just a beta reader. She is my partner in crime with BW. She knows my characters as well as I do, sometimes better. She helps me troubleshoot scenes, she tells me when my writing sucks, when my I’m not being true to my characters, when I’m not being real enough (sometimes when I’m being TOO real). She gives me porn inspiration and listens to me bitch and calls my bullshit and makes this story what it is. I really mean it - this story would not be nearly as good without her, and you can see how much better it gets once she starts to get involved around chapter 17. 

So I decided I would answer some silly little questions about BW. Just my own personal opinions about stuff! And asked @pitchforkcentral86​ to contribute as well. See below. 

What are my favorite scenes in BW and why? 

In no particular order: 

The 9/11 memory (Chapter 26): When Steve is in therapy with Hope remembering when Bucky returns from Ground Zero. This was one of the first times I experimented with writing in a sort of stream-of-consciousness way (though certainly not the last!). I have done several tweaks to it since the original version, texturing it more. It’s so rich in detail, visceral detail, little details about their relationship, pieces of Bucky’s past, clues about his alcoholism, the way he handles stress, his difficulties letting Steve in, the love Steve has for him, Bucky’s need to be loved and cared for and his aversion for it, it’s so, so rich. Gah. I love it. (GUH and @buckydunpun​’s ART - just murder me. Thanks.)

The Thor “breakup” scene (Chapter 28): This is the moment I think that many people realized Bucky is not a reliable narrator. Maybe they suspected it before, but this is when it’s very obviously apparent. His entire interpretation of his relationship with Thor is thrown into question. He built a rich fantasy about what they were, holding hands in the grass, all this bullshit, and he could actually say they were boyfriends, which makes complete sense because there were never any stakes. It was always surface. There was never any intimacy except as veteran/soldier friends who had sex, which is about as deep as Bucky can go anyway without getting utterly terrified. 

This is in such stark contrast to Steve, where there is actual intimacy, ongoing demand for more intimacy, and this relationship feels VERY real to Bucky, and it’s very frightening to him. And that’s why he runs from the term “boyfriend” with Steve. It’s all so real. It’s easy to engage with a fake boyfriend. But still, he didn’t deliberately realize he was doing this, so it was devastating to find out the truth of his own self-deception. And to hear that he’s not the kind of guy you settle with, he’s the guy you fuck… wow. But how can you really hate Thor? (I’m sure some of you can but…) He’s a nice guy. Even Bucky knows it. So he’s run from something good and real (Steve) to something good but false (Thor) and then he gets rejected from both. It’s horrible and so self-defeating and so quintessentially Bucky. I love it. 

A Close Second (Spent Brass fic): This whole side fic came together like a glorious dream. I love everything about it. It’s such a wonderful look into their relationship, into their dynamics, into their individual personalities, their idiosyncrasies, so much push-pull between them. Whispers of things that have happened to Bucky in the past, a lack of understanding from Steve, a desire to know, so much affection. Some good sex. I love this SB. But I love all the Spent Brass fics. They are so close to my heart. 

Honorable mention: Bucky’s masturbation scene during his bender (Chapter 32). I had an absolute BLAST writing this. Thanks to @pitchforkcentral86​ for proposing that Bucky’s core sexual/romantic desire is just to be kissed. Dayum. It all unfolded from there. 

Who is the character I think about the most? Bucky. I think because he’s got the most complex history and the most complicated psychology. He’s actually fairly rule-bound in terms of how he operates, but he’s got a lot of back story that explains how he became the way he is, and I spend a lot of time considering what happened to him and how he developed his self-image, his coping strategies, and his ideas about others and the world. I think a lot about his relationship with his parents. I think a LOT about bby Jamie. It’s not because Steve is not important or any less complex. But Bucky’s childhood experiences have shaped him in very specific ways, and I want to make sure that I represent them very thoughtfully. 

Who is my favorite character to write? Bucky. His voice and thought processes come to me more easily than Steve’s. Perhaps in part because of my personal penchant for the word “fuck.” I love writing his perspective, his preferences, his interpretations of situations. I love imagining the way he imagines the world. 

Who is my favorite supporting character? Winnie. I know she’s a very polarizing character, but I have so much affection for her. I think she’s a badass. She joined the military as a female officer back in the 1970s, which is incredible and rough. She kept her maiden name. This is a Southern conservative woman, an Air Force brat, raised by very conservative Southern people in a very conservative Pentecostal church, but she has always had an irrepressible rebellious, feminist badass streak in her even before she knew what feminism was. She might not even define herself as a feminist now. She has always done the best she can under very difficult circumstances, and she loves her kids, even though she sometimes sucks quite badly at mothering them. I love her for her imperfections. 

Favorite topic to research this year: I’ve been really enjoying researching emotionally focused couples therapy, which was developed by Sue Johnson, EdD. I’ve been watching therapy videos of couples going through this and having a wonderful time imaging Bucky and Steve going through something similar with Claire. I don’t think Claire is the strictest adherent to EFT, but I think she’s informed by it. It’s tough, because I’m very used to cognitive behavioral type therapies, so this one has been different to think about writing. I’ve also been really getting into reading about childhood sexual abuse and its effects on boys and men. It’s greatly helped my conceptualization of Bucky and Bucky and Steve’s relationship. I mean, it’s a grim topic, but there have been some fascinating threads in terms of understanding one’s self perception of sexual orientation, etc. and thinking about how Bucky would consider and contextualize his experiences. 

Am I more of a Steve or a Bucky? Hmm. I don’t strongly relate to either, but I think if I had to choose, I’m a bit more of a Steve. I’m pretty expressive of my affection and positive emotions, and I’ll complain about daily life things enough. However, when it comes to major life events that really bother me, I tend to err on the side of not processing them and turning my feelings into headaches and other physical afflictions. In other words, I’m a suppressor of major emotions and events. It’s FINE. I’m FINE. Nothing to see here. But I am definitely not as tidy as Steve, nor as smart, and definitely not as buff or hot. So that’s where most of our similarities end lol. I do eat a lot of tofu though. 

Who would I want to hang out with for a day? I initially thought Rikki, but like @pitchforkcentral86​, think she’s actually too cool and smart for me, and I would probably just make an ass out of myself. I think probably Elektra. I know, this is a left field answer, but it’s one day! To do whatever with anyone! I want to choose someone who’s going to make it worth my while. So many of the characters are either too busy, too rigid, too anxious, too conventional, etc. I would want to run around NYC with Elektra for the day and have drinks with her and Matt afterwards at some weird-ass underground bar. My more infield answer would probably be Hank. I want him to tell me gay stories about gay things. I want to see his apartment. I want to drink coffee with him. I want him to tell me about what the AIDS crisis was like for him. I want to hear about his relationship with Howard. I want all the shit that Bucky takes for granted every day. He can be my fairy godmother any day. 

Who would I want to be friends with? Probably Sharon. She’s one of the most reliable, loyal, and level-headed people in this world. She’s smart, she’s flexible, she rolls with things pretty well but also doesn’t take a ton of bullshit. She also has a good sense of humor about things. I feel like she’s someone I could call with my Zack Morris phone and talk with for hours about all sorts of things. We could also split a bottle of wine and talk some real shit. 

Wait - Why not Bucky or Steve? I don’t think these two are entirely likable, to be honest. They’re good humans, they mean well, but I don’t think they’re very well equipped in the friendship department.  I care about them very deeply (I hope that’s clear), but I don’t know if I’d want to be particularly close to either of them at this point in their lives. They’re both lacking in the skill and perspective to be good friends and partners, which is a major reason why they are in therapy. 

Who would I want to be my therapist - Hope, Bruce, Scott, or Claire? Claire. Given how much I suck at talking about the things that are really deeply bothering me, I think I would need an emotionally focused therapist who is going to dig in there and really get me to focus on all the emotions I’m trying to shove away. I would probably try to over-intellectualize everything and deflect, and I don’t think she’d let me get away with that. 

Okay, on to @pitchforkcentral86​~~~~~

What are my favorite scenes in BW and why? 

Oh boy. Well, this is a difficult question to answer since it feels like every chapter becomes a new favorite simply due to sheer amount of time spent planning and composing and revising and whining and complaining. And also my memory sucks. BUT, with that said, I think I would like to mention three scenes specifically:

1)      Bucky on deployment, cleaning a Humvee (Chapter 7), Steve standing nearby. This scene conveyed the tension of deployment and between Steve and Bucky so well, and, perhaps more importantly, built my respect towards Bucky as a competent, caring NCO (to that effect, the small scene in which we see Bucky the NCO on film telling all the little grunts to eat so they can become big and strong is another favorite).

2)      Beautiful Boy (Spent Brass), Steve’s memory from childhood with Sarah at the park, naming animals. I really don’t have a good reason other than that scene was so clear to me in my mind and was especially tender.

3)      Steve sleeping with Sharon in DC (Chapter 33). Honestly, it was just a great scene, and we had a really good time planning it out.

I can include many more, and certainly the ones Dread mentioned are favorites too, but I have to stop or this will just be a squeee fest.

Who is my favorite supporting character?

 Hank. His particular brand of honesty is extremely appealing to me, and I think Bucky secretly, or not so secretly, loves him too. And also Quill, just for shits and giggles because he is reliably there as an ice breaker, that lovable Mountain-Dew-drinking goof.  

Favorite topic to research this year: 

Well, I don’t do the research myself, but I spend many, many m-a-n-y hours listening to and conversing with Dread about all the things he’s delved into for this fic. So I guess maybe I’ll turn this question into favorite topic to discuss/conceptualize. In that respect, Bucky’s and Jack’s relationship has been by far the most intriguing, grueling, fascinating and difficult aspect of this fic to conceptualize – those were some of the best talks in the process. [Dreadnought edit: You will see much more of this in future chapters, folks!] And for a fun answer, planning out sex scenes is hilarious.

Am I more of a Steve or Bucky?

Bucky, no doubt. Sometimes it feels like Dread has climbed into my brain, found a horrible nugget of truth about me, and then put it into words coming out of Bucky’s mouth. Those moments are both wonderful and terrible in equal measure.

Who would I want to hang out with for a day?

For a whole day? Can it maybe be a coffee or, like, a quick lunch? I honestly don’t know… Neither Steve nor Bucky will be very good company, I think. Not in their current versions, anyways. Rikki is hella cool but she intimidates me, so, not her. Um.. Huh. Nope, don’t have an answer.

Who would I want to be friends with?

Probably Hank, again. He has a really good attitude. I’m starting to feel like not picking Steve/Bucky is selfish because it’s like “oh, they have too many issues and it won’t be fun”. But it’s also true! Friendship is reciprocal, and I really don’t think that’s where they’re at. (But I would have totally been dying to be friends with Steve in his bookshop days). 

Who would I want to be my therapist - Hope, Bruce, Scott, or Claire?

Hope or Claire. Both are no-nonsense competent therapists. But I think maybe Hope will be too put-together for me. So, yeah, probably Claire. 

-----------------------------

Okay, everyone. Back to the grind. I’ll update as soon as I can!  Remember to wash your hands with the fastidiousness of BW Steve Rogers. (And also remember to sing the “happy birthday fucking everyone” song, which should actually be sung TWICE or resentfully enough that it lasts 20 seconds.)

[purplesurveys]

990

survey by starsareonly2nd

Have you ever been to Las Vegas? No. Doesn’t sound like my type of city. I wouldn’t mind visiting the rest of Nevada though.

What did you have for breakfast this morning? Just a cup of coffee; I skip breakfast except on Sundays, when we actually sit down at the dining table and eat as a family.

Do you have any loose change in your pocket? I don’t have any pockets right now but I do have very few coins in my wallet. I used to have plenty, but I’ve given most of them away because I usually give tips to the nice people who help me get out of parking spots.

Do you like Taylor Swift? I like some of her songs, especially the ones from 1989, but I have no idea why I just can’t get into her as a person.

What's your favorite Disney Channel movie? I haven’t tuned in to that channel for a very long time now, but the movies that I got the most excited about as a kid were Twitches, Wendy Wu, Camp Rock, The Cheetah Girls, and High School Musical 1 and 2.

If you met your favorite celebrity, would you be calm or star struck? I’d be starstruck in a calm way; like I’d most likely be too shocked to get more than a few words out. I’m sure I’d come off as shy or boring haha, which is why I’ve refused to meet or interact with my favorite celebrities even if I’ve already had the chance to.

Are there any lights on in the room you're in? I have a ceiling light and a desk lamp, but both are turned off. My only light source at the moment is my laptop screen.

What's your favorite subject in school? History.

What's your favorite holiday? My birthday, if that counts. Christmas can also be great but only for the food, the reunions with extended family, and the freedom to guiltlessly cut off contact with colleagues for a couple of weeks. All other aspects of it make me miserable though.

Do you ever have to do yard work? I’ve never had to do that before.

Is your school close to your house? I mean, it wasn’t a 10-minute walk away but it’s relatively close and driving to my university objectively doesn’t take too long unless there’s heavy traffic. If there’s absolutely no barriers I could get to school in 15-20 minutes, but this is really only just for weekends where I have to go to school for some reason. If there’s traffic (and there always is), I take anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half.

Speaking of school, how did you get there today? I haven’t been to my school since the first week of March, and I’ve already graduated since then.

Do you think Bad Romance is a catchy song, or an annoying one? I can honestly tell you that I have genuinely never gotten sick of that song. It’s a late 2000s classic, man. Of course it was too explicit for my 11 year old ears when it first came out, but I found it catchy nonetheless.

Do you use perfect grammar online? I always try to be correct, yes. When I use improper grammar it’s usually because I’m joking.

Are you currently using a laptop? Yup.

Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? I haven’t used iTunes in a while and Spotify, which I do use, doesn’t work that way.

Did/do you listen to Britney Spears songs? I’ve never skipped her singles whenever I caught them on the radio and I’ve always fairly enjoyed the music she puts out, but I normally don’t voluntarily listen to her i.e. look up her songs myself on Spotify.

Is it a windy day? It is now that it’s nighttime, but it was a little humid all day today.

In the past week, have you ridden in a taxi? No. I’m not actually sure if that’s even already allowed...the possibility of public transport is still pretty murky where I live.

What shorthand do you use the most? I have no idea what this means. I did try looking it up but I dunno if I’ve ever had to use shorthand at any point in my life.

Do you ever wish on stars at night? Every now and then, but it’s just the little kid in me.

What color are your eyes? Dark brown. I feel like I answer this at least once a week.

What album is the current song you're listening to off of? Not listening to music but the last song I heard is from an album called Petals For Armor.

What are you doing after you finish this? Try not to cry/break down. Find something to watch on YouTube. Maybe play with Cooper to destress and forget about my problems for a bit.

In your opinion, what song is the most overplayed right now? Other than songs I occasionally put on repeat, I have not heard any new music for a while now.

Are you in a band? Nope, never been.

How clean is your bedroom? We just tidied it up and rearranged a few things last month so I’d say it’s clean - at least tidier than it used to be. And I’m a little proud that despite how rough life has been, I’ve managed to keep it clean. It’s the little things.

Is there a pen within reaching distance of you? Yeah, there’s one on my desk and I can easily reach out and grab it.

Are you sitting at a desk? I’ve moved to my bed for now. My back does not appreciate sitting at a desk all day.

Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? Female.

Do you normally shut your bedroom door before you go to sleep? Yesssssssss. We have a light source by the stairs that extends to the hallway and reaches my room, so it gets super annoying if my door is even just slightly ajar because my eyes get distracted by the faint light. My door has to be completely shut for me to feel comfortable in the privacy of my room.

Have you seen the movie Moulin Rouge? I haven’t. I loooove Lady Marmalade, but I’m just not sure if the movie itself is my cup of tea.

Would you ever dye your hair a different color? I’d love to have the chance to do that, yeah.

Are there any framed pictures in the room you're in? There are a couple.

Have you ever been to a Broadway show? Nope.

Do you watch So You Think You Can Dance? I don’t think so but I do remember watching a few episodes of Dancing with the Stars because a wrestler that I liked was one of the contestants for one season. I’m just not sure of SYTYCD also featured wrestlers in their shows; if that has been the case in the past- and I’m just not sure because my memory is a little hazy - I would’ve given it a watch.

What's your favorite movie soundtrack? The Twilight Saga churned out some bomb ass soundtracks. Other than that, I also enjoyed Interstellar’s and Requiem for a Dream’s.

Do you prefer group or individual work? Depends on what kind of work needs to be done. If a task is graphic design or video editing-heavy, I would prefer to work with other people; but if it’s gonna be heavy on something that’s already my forte, I like to work by myself.

Do you have a key to anything besides your house? Just my car.

Are you wearing anything with stripes? Not at the moment.

What time did you go to sleep last night? 9:45 I think? A little later than 10? Somewhere along that range.

Did anyone tell you you were beautiful today? No.

What show did you last watch? Friends.

Do you think you'll do anymore surveys today? I doubt it. This one is already quite longer than the surveys I usually take.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookies and cream; and more recently, chocolate chip cookie dough.

When was the last time you stayed home from school sick? Sometime in February last year. I developed a fever the night before but wasn’t able to start feeling better by the next morning, so I had to skip the one class I had that day.

Could you ever complete a 500-piece puzzle? Yes. I’m actually planning to buy a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle; it’s one of the items I’ve put on my cart recently. Depressed Robyn is also spend-a-lot-of-money-on-artsy-craftsy-supplies-Robyn, so.

If you could run a red light and not get caught, would you? Hell no.

Do you like to listen to music as you do your homework? Not usually, but sometimes I’ll put on lo-fi since that’s the only kind of music I can listen to and still keep my focus.

Did you think Adam Lambert's AMA performance was really that controversial? I’ve never encountered it, but I doubt I’ll have a problem with it if I do get to watch the performance. I love Adam Lambert and I've never found myself shaking my head at whatever he’s doing.

Do any bands flat-out annoy you? They’re a boy band more than anything but The Vamps has consistently irritated me through the years.

Do you have a mirror in your bedroom? No. I used to, but I gave it to my sister.

Was today a birthday for any of your friends? I don’t think so. With all my social media being deactivated I never get notified about birthdays anymore, but I’m fairly sure none of my friends blow out their candles every October 22nd.

When was the last time you rode in a limo? I’ve never been in one.

Do you take naps daily? No. I can’t really do that anymore since I have an 8-hour shift on weekdays, lol.

Do you still make Christmas lists? No.

Do you watch the show Dexter? I tried getting into the show because it used to always be said in the same breath as Breaking Bad, but I never got invested. I heard later seasons sucked too, so that also turned me off from continuing to pursue the series.

What's the background on your phone? I have a motivational comic that says “You’re doing really well given the circumstances” as my lockscreen. Cooper smiling is my home screen.

When were/will you be a a sophomore in high school? That was six years ago.

Are you scared of any animals? Any flying insect or bug, and I find them scarier if they come with a loud buzz.

Have you ever been to any sort of convention? YouTube Fanfest, if that counts as one. I’m not really sure what counts as a convention haha, but that’s the closest thing I’ve got.

Which song did you last listen to on repeat? Why We Ever by Hayley Williams.

Where do you want to live when you grow up? I’ve stopped thinking about that for now. My focus has since shifted to asking myself if I’ll still even be alive in a few years...ugh, how far we’ve fallen.

Are you currently using a blanket? No. It’s not cold enough for a blanket yet, but maybe in a few hours.

Are there any songs that make you cry? A lot.

How many siblings do you have? Two.

What are you doing this weekend? I have no idea.

Do you prefer swimming at the beach or in a pool? BEEEEEEEEACH. Once I took my first dip in a beach, I never wanted to swim in a pool ever again.

When was the last time you had a haircut? March.

Which musical instrument do you think sounds the prettiest? Piano, saxophone, and violin. Can’t pick a favorite; I think they all sound beautiful.

Are you in band or chorus at your school? I was never in either.

Do you know what you want for Christmas? Yeah but they’re all intangible. I want to be happy, be at peace, normalcy, etc. I’ve stopped pining for presents, especially now that I can afford my own shit.

Do you watch fireworks on New Year's Eve? Always.

Is your birthday within the next three months? Nope. You’ll have to add three more months to that timeframe.

How long is the song you're listening to? No music.

Are you anticipating anything this week? I’m waiting for a couple of very specific emails to come in, and I hope they do before the week ends.

Is your mom or dad the older parent? My dad, but only by 8 months. They were born in the same year.

Have you taken the SATs yet? I never had to take them, but I heard they’re triiiiiiiicky.

Do you watch anything on E? We never had E! in our cable service but I like tuning into that channel whenever we stay at hotels because I get to watch KUWTK, hehe.

Are you going to get off the computer now that you've finished this? Most likely.

[mamthew]

I finished Persona 5 Royal, after 135 hours. My feelings on the new content are mostly very positive, though do I have a few issues with it. Here's a suuuuuper long write-up first about Persona 5 and then about Royal. This is gonna have full spoilers for both versions of the game, so keep that in mind if spoilers for either game bother you. Persona 5 is my favorite game of all time for several reasons. The first is how masterfully it's written. Not necessarily line-to-line (and certainly not in the English localization, which could've used a few more weeks of edits to make the sentences sound more natural), but in its structure, thematic unity, and use of allusions to achieve that unity. The first two-thirds of the game are presented through a complex and well-orchestrated frame device that's honestly just a treat to experience. It presents the player with a glance at each upcoming story beat without the context to understand it, then lets them piece together the context as they go, giving the whole game a sense of mystery even as the player inhabits the characters at the center of the mystery. It also uses concepts from Jungian psychology to tell its story, most notably character archetypes, which means players can use knowledge of the archetypes to better understand aspects of the characters and their stories. It's beautiful, and it means that I often fall down rabbit-holes researching the allusions made and finding the connections they have to the story. The other reason Persona 5 is my favorite game is much more personal, but it actually played a major role in my radicalization (or if you're uncomfortable with such terminology, political reawakening). The game released in early April of 2017, only a few months after Trump took office, and partway through my first semester back at school after my five year...break. The game is about fighting back against societal injustice. It starts out small, with a high school teacher who abuses his students, but moves up to people with increasingly greater power exploiting increasingly larger swaths of the population: a famous artist using his clout to steal his students' livelihoods, a mafia boss stealing money from the people of his neighborhood, a CEO overworking and underpaying his employees while jockeying for a political position, a government prosecutor who fabricates evidence to maintain her perfect record, and finally a member of the Diet running for Prime Minister who uses populist rhetoric but only cares about gaining personal power. As in previous games, each protagonist gains their powers by awakening to their Persona (essentially publicly performing as their true, unfiltered selves), but in this game, the process is physically painful, bordering on body horror. The act of tearing off the masks so tightly glued to the characters' faces is cast in a similar light to putting on the glasses in "They Live:" doing so is painful and frightening, but allows each character to see the world for what it is, without the filter of the justifying ideological framework. In the last dungeon of the game, the characters invade the physical manifestation of the justifying framework, which takes the form of a prison in which the prisoners beg to be left inside, as the idea of freedom from the prison terrifies them. A vein running from each of their cells sucks out their life force, vampirically, and directs that life force into the manifestation of the concept of hierarchical structures itself, portrayed as the holy grail - a reference to Marx's Capital. This holy grail - which to Marx was wealth - is revealed to be a false god created by the masses because they wanted a god. However, it grew so powerful that now the masses serve it, rather than the other way around. It created its own artificial collective unconscious, barring its subjects from participating in a true collective unconscious free of its influence. At the very beginning of the game, a voice directly tells the player they may only play Persona after agreeing that the events of the game are entirely fictional, and any similarities to the real world are entirely coincidental. The game will not start until the player indicates that they agree to those terms. That voice is revealed to be the holy grail itself, implying that to refuse to compare fictional works to the real world or "get political" about these stories is to submit yourself to the justifying ideology. That's some powerful stuff, and grounding it in real-life examples of exploitation while following characters suffering from that exploitation made it hard to ignore, especially in the wake of the 2015-2016 rise of Fascism and at a time when I was back to studying literary analysis. The game seems specifically crafted to induce a radicalization in its players. It has a scene in which the characters attain class consciousness. For a chunk of the story, the characters try to fight against manufactured consent, as they are framed by the media and authority figures as dangerous villains just for taking a nonviolent stand against rapists, billionaires killing their employees, and corrupt officials. The citizenry believes it almost unquestioningly. The protagonists are often visibly enraged at the exploitation they see - much of which is based on specific real-world events - and the internal logic of the story suggests that this rage is the only moral response. Every aspect of the game bolsters these themes of hierarchy, exploitation, and rebellion, giving the game a thematic unity unlike any I've ever seen before. Even the smallest NPCs have full storylines running in the background that highlight the ways even these nameless characters are exploited, and the ways they've been socialized to accept this exploitation. Every book, every song lyric, every reference to a food item, every damn fictional allusion in a game ABOUT FICTIONAL ALLUSIONS ties back in some way to that larger theming. The thematic unity of this game sings, and playing it was unlike anything I'd experienced before. This game, for me, defined Leftism. I didn't put down the controller a full-blown Communist, but it gave me the tools I needed to ask the necessary questions to discard Liberalism. I probably would have gotten there eventually, and the game probably wouldn't have had quite as powerful an effect if I weren't a literary/media analysis kind of guy living in the time I was in, but even now, three years later, the game reads to me like a damn revolutionary text. So I was honestly terrified of Persona 5: The Royal, which came out at the beginning of this month. It's a rerelease of the game with added story content, including a new dungeon, a new party member, the return of a deceased party member, and a new ending. That's a lot to add onto a really fun game with unprecedented thematic unity that also helped me to redefine myself and my positions on...literally everything. If they messed with this unity for the sake of adding unnecessary content, it would heavily alter the game's effect, and my own personal understanding of the game, forever. That's not to say that the game couldn't be improved. The localization was kinda shoddy, it occasionally drifts into male gaze shit (glaringly so in the 2D animated cutscenes, which makes me wonder if the animation studio had different ideas about the project than the devs did), there are two scenes which are virulently homophobic, and the devs had originally planned for another party member who they had to scrap for time. The two homophobic scenes especially have made it difficult to recommend the game, as I've always had to add the caveat of "...but it completely undermines its own central thesis twice for cheap laughs and it's disgusting." I wasn't sure, however, that a rerelease would fix any of these issues, and I was really worried that adding ~25 hours of gameplay after the dungeon about the justifying ideology and the holy grail would undermine too much of what made the game so revolutionary to me. There is no larger threat to humanity than the ideological framework justifying capitalism, so I worried that moving away from that for the length of a whole-ass Kingdom Hearts game would make the game less effective. From a storytelling perspective, the party member they advertised they would bring back to life is an unambiguous villain, and I worried that bringing him back would both undermine the sacrifice from his death scene and rehabilitate the character, neither of which I wanted. The new party member was not the character they had planned for and cut, and her story as it was advertised did not involve her being exploited by people in power in any way. Rather, she's a star athlete and honors student whose success was attributed to her sense of personal responsibility, which runs pretty counter to the game's themes. I also worried that adding a new dungeon worth of gameplay would mean getting rid of the part at the end of the game where the protagonist willingly turns himself in and spends several months imprisoned, so that he can testify against one of the villains of the game. The thought of losing that bittersweet ending definitely didn't sit right with me. As I said at the beginning, my feelings on the new content are mostly positive. Before getting into pure spoiler territory, I'll say there's no going back to the original now that this version exists. They redesigned every dungeon and boss fight, retooled the battle system, added a LOT more voice acting to scenes where there hadn't been any, added a ton of new scenes further fleshing out characters and the setting, retranslated the worse lines from the localization (it's still not perfect but it's much improved), added new gameplay mechanics and personas, added a bunch of great new music, expanded on Tokyo, and FIXED THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOMOPHOBIC SCENES. I now actually really like the two nameless characters who were in the original just straight up predators, as they've been rewritten into overenthusiastic drag queens who get excited at the thought of introducing nervous kids interested in drag to the scene. They improved on dungeon crawling, too: the newly added grapple hook mechanic introduces a fun verticality to the dungeon designs, stealth is more challenging and rewarding, and each dungeon has new optional collectibles. They reimagined the procedurally generated dungeon you explore over the course of the game, too, giving it more room types, more music, a currency unique to the dungeon, a merchant, and ways to level up money, experience, and item rewards from the enemies in the dungeon. As for the new story content, the extra 25 hours of gameplay is not...counter to the themes of the game. Instead, it's set up as a story about Revolution vs. Reform. The question it poses to the people of its now-too-content Tokyo is "would you join the Phantom Thieves?" which translates more to something on the order of "if these exploitative systems still existed, but didn't really hurt you or anyone you know, would you still care enough to fight against them?" The new villain co-opts the place formerly held by the Holy Grail and uses it to rewrite reality to one in which everything is basically the same, but almost everyone in the city has everything they want (with the notable and noticeable exceptions of homeless people and service workers). The central conflict, especially to the characters who have regained lost loved ones, is whether they should still fight for a better world if most people are fairly happy. Tokyo never ends up agreeing that they would join the Phantom Thieves, but the crew still end up determining that they must restore the real world, because a world in which people are still critical of the justifying ideology has a path to a better world, while one in which people are uncritical will never find that path. It's a complex and interesting take from the beginning, and even moreso when the game uses imagery from the mythologies of the garden of Eden and Prometheus. The other dungeons correspond to deadly sins, but this one instead corresponds to "sorrow." The villain is so afraid of his own grief and the grief of others that he refuses to allow anyone to take risks, even if success would improve the world. The three new confidant arcs are well thought-out and engaging, too, especially the arc with the villainous party member, whose actor absolutely chews the scenery in this game. In the new story, he's so angry about being forced into a reality on someone else's terms that he fights tooth and nail to return to the old reality, where he was at least able to die on his own terms. It's...not as emotional as the game wants it to be, but it's a really fun time. Each party member also gets a mini arc in which they come to terms with what they would lose by returning to the old reality, and acknowledges how much personal growth they would lose by staying. These culminate a new ending in which each party member finds a way to work to regain some of what they had lost by restoring reality, going their separate ways in the process. The new content has a bit of a Persona 4 vibe, in that it's much more personal and contemplative, and the characters find strength by maturing and uncovering avenues to personal growth. As Atlus has pretty consistently existed both in the shadow of Persona 4's popularity and with the pressing need to make up for Persona 4's failings, it's not a bad angle. I do have some minor issues with the new story. It still means that there is no downtime after the original final boss, so newcomers won't really have much opportunity to consider the implications of that dungeon and boss before being thrust into another conflict. Its ending is not quite as clear-cut as the original ending, either. The protagonist still turns himself in, but the story basically...switches back to that reality a week before his release, meaning it's not nearly as much of a sacrifice and it's a decision this version of the protagonist technically didn't make for himself. The situation is probably also clearer to people who've played the original game than to newcomers. The old ending is kind of "required reading" for fans; it's still the canon ending for Scramble where the new one is not, and the new one is more impactful to players who've already experienced the original ending. This creates a major predicament when recommending this game to new players. Do I tell them to purposely not fulfil the requirements to get the new ending, then replay a 130+ hour game a second time? Should they keep a save at around the 85 hour mark, so they can reload their save and retread the 20 or so hours of game they've already experienced to get to the new stuff? There's no good answer, which is irritating. At least the original ending is included in this version, so those are options, but it's frustrating that I can't just recommend one or the other without caveats that are also huge time sinks. I dunno how to end this, and it's much longer than it probably should be, so I'll say that this game is extremely important to me, and I'm impressed that Royal is not less important to me. I sure hope we get a release date for the worldwide release of Scramble soon.

[sickofyouandyourcormanobullshit]

It’s Time

I’ve been debating with myself this question: If it were me, and one of my favorite blogs just stopped updating for no reason, would I prefer they make a whole giant post about why they’ve left or just have them fade off into the night? I still don’t really know what the right answer for that is, but I figured that, y’know, it is about time I put the final nail in the coffin and closure is nice, actually.

So, yes. I’ve decided to put this blog on indefinite hiatus.

No, I am not deleting this blog or the YouTube channel. Ever. No matter what happens, just the existence of this blog is very important to me. Even when it stops being posted to, just having the archive there for everyone to have is a fandom necessity. In fact, I’m still looking for websites to back up this blog in case Tumblr goes t*ts up (making sure there isn’t any female presenting nipples, of course).

But, this has been a long time coming, I feel. And for that, I’m sorry. I’ve tried everything I could to keep this going for as long as I possibly could, but there’s just nothing left in me now that wants to keep this blog active. 

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all. I’ve been at this since 2014 (Fucking! FIVE years!) and my time here could not have been better. You all treated me with so much kindness and respect, putting your upmost faith in me to archive and update as efficiently as possible. When I started, I couldn’t have ever predicted this blog becoming a fandom staple, that it would eventually become the backbone of a community that desperately needed a platform and a voice for their hobbies. I know that when I look back at these times, I’ll always feel happiness that I had the chance to give people this opportunity at all.

If you’re interested to know the nitty gritty about why I came to this decision, it’ll be below the cut. It’ll be a bit (a lot) more negative than what’s been said until now, so if you just want to end this on a happy note, than I’ll be happy to see you off. Goodbye!

Okay, so. I’ve got a couple major reasons why this has come to be.

1.) My personal life is in shambles. For those who may be reading this that were/are active on the Discord server, you may have noticed that I’ve also straight up disappeared from there as well. This is because a lot (A loooooot) of things have gone awry in my life and they’re kinda tw worthy so I won’t divulge too much detail in this regard! Just know that life as an adult is hard as heck and I’ve kinda run short on time to be able to handle the amount of responsibility that this blog/channel requires! I’m an adult in college that only has spare time to look at Twitter fleetingly and then go back to looking at internships and build my social media presence as a professional! All I have time for is work, work, and more work! Ah! (Also I generally have just come to really feel anxious when it comes to even opening Discord/Tumblr so I’ve just gone to avoiding them all together. I couldn’t feel more shitty about this development than I already do).

2.) I’ve lost interest in this fandom. This one is so hard to admit because I’ve kinda been denying it for a reeeeal long time, but, uh, yeah. I’m someone who’s in a fandom for the long haul. There are fandoms that I’m in that I’ve been a part of for over 10 years, with content being minimal. So, this absolutely has nothing to do with the inactivity really, because I was honestly real content with just having my bubble of Discord friends and have that be my fandom experience. It’s just, uh....

3.) I really hate PewDiePie. I really, really, do. I absolutely detest everything that this man has become, what he stands for, and the fanbase he has accumulated. I know he’s on the internet’s general good side right now so this could cause a bit of flak to come my way, but god damn. He was the first YouTuber that I ever truly fell in love with when I first watched his Facade videos back in 2012. Today, in 2019, I unsubscribed from his channel. (Yeah, I know, big whoop. First world problems. Cry me a river liberal). But, generally, I’ve become really frustrated with him and his viewpoints. I hated that, just because I had an attachment to him and what his channel has done for me over the years, I was able to give excuses for all the bullshit he’s done. If it were literally anyone else, I would have never given them so many free passes. At some point, I just asked myself if it was worth it to keep being so hypocritical to the values I hold in such high regard and keep myself watching his content even though it deeply infuriated me, just for the nostalgia and good times that he provided me once upon a time. It sounds so unnecessarily dramatic when he’s just a YouTuber who I don’t know personally, but this essentially boils down to “Okay, I don’t have time to keep putting up with this constant source of negativity in my life, when I could so easily just cut it off and spend time doing something that is more valuable to me”. So, yup. That’s where I’m at with that. I’m basically turning away from all PewDiePie related content. Y’all can keep watching him though, but don’t think I don’t side eye you when you’re a leftist who gets mad at other content creators but keeps turning a blind eye to Mr. Felix.

That said...

I love Cry. I still love Cry. I feel like I will always love Cry. I will support him as best I can because he is so deserving of all love in this world. I don’t know anyone who is as self-sacrificing and generous as he is, so this is your reminder to catch up on his content if you’ve been kind of putting it off lately lol.

Of course, all of this is subject to change. These problems are all so temporary: Maybe, one day, in three thousand years time, I’ve got so much free time I don’t know what to do with it, PDC fandom starts thriving, and PewDiePie stops being a piece of shit. That’s why I hesitate to claim this blog is Dead 4ever. There might come a time where I come back! So, indefinite hiatus it is.

And, really, that’s all I have to say for now. Send me an ask, tell me I suck for being an SJW or whatever, or we can cry together. I don’t know. I won’t be back on Discord anymore, though.

Goodbye!

[ithacamoma]

20 QUESTIONS FOR: TAMMY SALZL

image courtesy of the artist and DC3 Art Projects

1.Name:

Tammy Salzl

2.Occupation(s):

Artist, Sessional Teacher in Senior Level Painting at the University of Alberta.

3.Where are you from and what is your education?

I was born in Edmonton, AB, into a gigantic dysfunctional family with 18 aunts and uncles, 42 first cousins and barely one parent. I spent my summers being tortured as an English speaking city slicker in French speaking prairie farm communities. Retreating into art and stories and animals was the salvation I didn’t find in the fundamentalist religion I was periodically thrown into. For my undergrad I did 2 years at ACAD (Now called AUArts), and finished my BFA at the University of Alberta.  I received my Masters in Studio Arts (Painting) at Concordia University in Montreal 2014 and have been expanding my practice to include video and multimedia installation since graduation.

4.Where do you live/work (neighbourhood/city/country)?

For the past 3 yrs I’ve been splitting my year between the Southside of Edmonton, AB. and Parc Ex in Montreal QC. I have family in both places, which makes this both possible and necessary.

5.Does your location affect your practice?  

Definitely! Emotionally, psychologically and logistically. I’m lucky to be able to spend time in both eastern and western Canada. Sometimes they seem like entirely different worlds and it’s a privilege to be able to step into both. It broadens my field of vision.

6.What is your favourite tool in the studio?

I have two favourite things. My glue gun, because I love glueing stuff, it makes me feel like a little kid again! I also love it when I have a fresh, unused brush in hand.

7.Where do you look for your source material?

Everywhere! Movies, books, (I love sci-fi books, and I just finished 2 books by Yuval Noah Harari - Sapiens and 21 Lessons for the 21st Century - so gooood!) mythology, ecology, weird/wondrous animals (like the barrel eye fish or the Aye-aye), bus stops, Edmonton’s River valley, back alleys in Montreal, weird stop motion animations, the fresh sights, sounds and smells that come with travel, looking at art and, occasionally, the bottom of my wine glass.

8.What is you daily art world read?

I email subscribe to a bunch of art blogs (like Hyperallergic and artdaily.org etc), and I also try to read Border Crossings and Canadian Art magazines, but honestly a lot of my art world reads come from instagram. Cuz you know… pictures.

9.What is your daily non-art-world read?

I love science and nature blogs. I really enjoy nature.com, naturecanada.ca,  futurism.com/, and for quick global news stuff I like Quartz Daily Brief. It’s hard…you don’t want to be ill informed yet it’s so bleak out there…I think overexposure to media can be harmful. I try to find a balance.

10.What role does writing play in your practice?

Sadly, not much. It’s an inescapable task for every artist, and one I dearly wish I could escape. That said, aside from the necessary evil of artist statement/proposal/grant type of writing, I sometimes play at creative writing. I make little one page tales that turn into paintings, or I write a short narratives based on something I’ve made. I’ll often have automatic writing embedded in my underpaintings, and if you look hard enough you can sometimes find traces of a word here and there.

11.What role does research play in your practice?

Because I peddle in tales, I research the history, culture, psychology, pop culture, philosophy of whatever traditional tale or mythology I’m referencing, and how others have interpreted those tales over time - even if I’m referencing something like Dr. Seuss. I often tie that into the research I do out of my interest in ecology and nature. For me, working representationally means there is intension in everything. I try to have layers of meaning and make work that engenders multiple interpretations. I research the symbolism and history of objects, places, animals, colours , etc. With my installations there is a lot of material research involved as well.

12.What role does collaboration play in your practice?

Since expanding my painting practice into intermedia work, I’ve done quite a bit of collaborating in the form of “I don’t know how to do this technical thing so I need to find someone who does”. It’s taught me a lot in terms of learning to communicate and work with others. As a solitary person, it’s a challenge for me, but I also find it incredibly rewarding and enriching. Also, a couple of years ago 4 female artist friends and I began an art collective called IFPP (incubator for phantom pregnancies) We’ve staged a couple exhibitions and have some upcoming shows, and it’s been really great. You learn a lot about yourself in a collaborative process, and it’s exhilarating ending up with this thing you helped create, but in a mind hive kind of way.

13.How does success affect your practice?

Ideas of success are pretty subjective, no? Speaking in terms of non-commercial success, I would say it helps drives my practice forward. It gives you the incentive and confidence to keep going, to make more, to take risks and think bigger. Sometimes commercial/monetary success can do the opposite because you’re expected to make more of the same, sellable stuff - to keep the formula and not colour outside those lines.

14.How does failure affect your practice?

Failure is an opportunity to learn, and can lead to amazing things. I suck at it. I can be super stubborn and fight with a painting that’s not working for days and days. I’m often my own worst enemy. I’m learning to walk away, to turn the bloody thing facing the wall and only come back to it when I can be more objective - when I’m in a better place to paint over the 100 hours invested and start over.

15.What do you identify as the biggest challenge in your artistic process?

My own stubbornness! My own rules and obsessiveness and need for control. I can get restrained by fear of making something ‘bad,' and I struggle to let myself play more, to let myself ‘fail’. I can get too caught up in my own head. I struggle with a lot of self doubt. A dear friend of mine recently sent me a beautiful quote by Robert Hughes in an attempt to assuage my doubt:

 “The greater the artist, the greater the doubt. Perfect confidence is granted to the less talented as a consolation prize.” 

I’m not so sure this is the case, but it’s nice to hear!

Also, like so many of us, I struggle socially and will hide in my studio rather than go to an art opening when I know I should be trying to make “connections”. Wine helps tremendously in all my struggles.

16.Who are some historical artists you are thinking about?

This fluctuates a great deal. I often find myself interested in artists I thought I didn’t like years ago, and will lose interest in artists I thought I loved. Art crushes come and go. I just bought a Frida Kahlo book and am rediscovering my fascination with her.

17.Who are some contemporary artists you are thinking about?

Everyone and no one in particular. I was in LA last January and saw an amazing Outsider Art show at LACMA. There was a piece by Greer Lankton titled, “Candy Darling” depicting a transgender actress who was featured in several of Andy Warhol’s films and was one of Lankton’s icons she looked up to as a trans woman. It’s exquisite with an edgy sexuality - totally blew my mind. I also saw some Mark Bradford works at The Broad that really surprised me. You have to be in front of them to understand how profound, beautiful, raw and sophisticated they are.

18.How do you describe what you are making now?

Right now I’m bouncing all over the place with various mediums. I’m working on a new series of oils, sort of taking the piss out of patriarchal old fables and the misogynistic way they portrayed women by retelling them through a contemporary lens. I’m also making a series of small, intricate “naughty fairies” made out of Sculpey (imagine tinker bell-like creatures going down on each other), some larger installation pieces that incorporate a variety of materials - video, sound, found and crafted objects, and I just completed my first short narrative video with footage shot on an artist residency I did in Norway last year. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m spreading myself too thin and there’s an invisible pressure to focus on one thing, but I’m a storyteller and I use whatever mediums best suites the tale. I think everything I do remains distinctly me, it all has connective threads. Generally I paint in the morning and move onto video and sculpture in the afternoon/evening. Painting is mentally challenging in a very singular way; it’s super humbling and I need a fresh, rested brain to do it.

19.Who is an artist that you think deserves more attention?

Oh man. Too many to count. Seems to me art world trends often translate into amazing artists not getting their due. I think Canadian artists in general deserve more of the international spot light. There’s so much talent here.

20.How can we find out more about you (relevant links etc)?

I keep my website pretty up to date, including upcoming shows and press links etc.

www.tammysalzl.com

[anitabyars]

"Kennedy Ryan weaves prose like a magician (or voodoo priestess) without sacrificing heat or page-turning angst to create authentic, living, breathing characters you want to root for to the end. Hook Shot is simply beautiful." -- Emma Scott, Bestselling Author

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Divorced. Single dad. Traded to a losing squad.

Cheated on, betrayed, exposed.

My perfect life blew up in my face and I'm still picking up the pieces.

The last thing I need is her.

A wildflower. A storm. A woman I can't resist.

Lotus DuPree is a kick to my gut and a wrench in my plans

from the moment our eyes meet.

I promised myself I wouldn't trust a woman again,

but I've never wanted anyone the way I want Lo.

She's not the plan I made, but she's the risk I have to take.

A warrior. A baller. The one they call Gladiator.

Kenan Ross charged into my life smelling all good, looking even better and snatching my breath from the moment we met.

The last thing I need is him.

I’m working on me. Facing my pain and conquering my demons.

I've seen what trusting a man gets you.

I. Don't. Have. Time. For. This.

But he just keeps coming for me.

Keeps knocking down my defenses and stealing my excuses

one by one.

He never gives up, and now...I'm not sure I want him to.

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EXCERPT

After talking to Kenan for the last few minutes, and looking under his hood, so to speak, I’ve found that he’s a classic. They don’t make them like him anymore, and if I don’t change the subject, change the course of this conversation, I’ll fool myself that we don’t have to keep things simple and that we could be more than just friends, not just for the summer, but for a long time to come. As long as I’d like.

​“Okay,” I say, switching gears without a clutch and pulling a tie off another of Amanda’s racks. “I think that shirt could work really well with this tie.”

​He doesn’t look at the tie I’m holding up, but keeps his eyes fastened on me. He’s not playing along. I’ve boxed myself into a corner with him. And the quarters are too tight. His scent. His warmth. His intelligence. His thoughtfulness. He is pressing in on me, overtaking my good intentions in all the ways I never thought a man could.

​“Try this on,” I say, blindly shoving the mint green shirt at him.

​When I look at him, he’s already peeled one shirt off and is reaching for the one I chose. I didn’t think this through. Didn’t forecast that Kenan changing from one shirt into another would mean his naked chest. I lose my train of thought and all my chill. Besides my mouth dropping open at the sight of the sculpted terrain of his chest and abs, I give no other indication that he affects me. Taut, bronze skin stretches across his broad shoulders like supple canvas pulled over a frame, the foundation of a masterpiece. He’s a big man. Not bulky, but instead chiseled to the specifications of a master sculptor: arms roped with muscles, biceps like rocks under skin glowing with health. The forearms Chase raved about are lined with veins and sinew. And I die for a great chest. I’ve never seen one more spectacular than Kenan’s.

​Two words.

​Male. Nipples.

​Jesus, my mouth is literally watering at the thought of tasting them, sucking them, licking them. And if that pectoral perfection weren’t enough, the two columns of muscles, four each, are stacked over his lean stomach arrowing down to a narrow waist and hips. I can’t look away. I lick my lips, imagining how he would feel under my mouth. How I’d lick around his nipples and drag my tongue down that shallow path bisecting his abdominal muscles. I’d slip that belt off and sink to my knees. Unzip those pants and take him out. God, hold him in my hands and then take him all the way to the back of my throat. I’d choke on him. A man this big . . . I’d be so tight around him.

​“Lotus,” Kenan says, jarring me from my torso trance. “Should I go ahead and put this shirt on? Or did you need a little more time?”

​I snap a glance up to his face, embarrassed to find him laughing at me. Oh, God. I’m as bad as Amanda. I turn to leave, but he catches my elbow with a gentle hand and turns me back around, walking us behind two of the racks. He bends until he’s almost eye level with me.

​“Don’t be embarrassed,” he says, searching my face intently. “I’m glad you like my body.”

​“I didn’t say I . . .” My words trail off at his knowing grin. “Okay. So you have a nice body. I work in fashion. Do you have any idea how many great bodies I see on a daily basis?”

​“I’m sure many,” he says, his smile still firmly in place. “I can’t speak for any of them, only for the way you looked at me.”

​“And how do you think I looked at you?” I ask defensively, forcing myself not to look away.

​In the quiet that follows, his smile fades, and heat replaces the humor in his eyes. “You looked at me the way I bet I’ve looked at you every time you walk into a room,” he says, the timbre of his voice rolling over my sensitive skin like a caress. “Like I would eat you if I could. Head to toe, everything in between.”

​“Kenan,” I protest, closing my eyes on a groan. “We said friends. We said simple. This is not how you start a simple friendship.”

​His large hand cups my jaw and lifts my chin. I open my eyes, blinking dazedly at him. I wasn’t prepared for how his touch makes me feel. How I instantly crave more of it; want to lean into the warmth; to turn and trace his lifeline with my tongue. Tell him all the things I could discover just from reading his palm and looking into his eyes.

​How can such a large hand feel so gentle, like it’s capable of treasuring, cherishing?

​“Okay, Lotus,” he says, regret and reluctance woven around my name. “Simple. Friendship.”

About Kennedy

A Top 25 Amazon Bestseller, Kennedy Ryan writes about women from all walks of life, empowering them and placing them firmly at the center of each story and in charge of their own destinies. Her heroes respect, cherish and lose their minds for the women who capture their hearts.

She is a wife to her lifetime lover and mother to an extraordinary son. She has always leveraged her journalism background to write for charity and non-profit organizations, but enjoys writing to raise Autism awareness most. A contributor for Modern Mom Magazine and Frolic, Kennedy’s writings have appeared in Chicken Soup for the Soul, USA Today and many others. The founder and executive director of a foundation serving Atlanta Autism families, she has appeared on Headline News, Montel Williams, NPR and other media outlets as an advocate for families living with autism.

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My Review!

5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Phenomenal! Kennedy Ryan never ceases to deliver something completely unique, unforgettable, thought provoking, completely addictive, and completely mind-blowing. I was utterly mesmerized, by the characters and this story that enraptured me with its emotion, anticipation, hunger, frustration, conviction, and vitality. Beautifully penned this book is a insta-must read, and one you wont be able to put down.

You do not want to miss this one. Obsessed. That’s how I felt while reading this book. Every page was better than the previous one. Just try to put this one down. I dare you.

I voluntarily read and reviewed an advanced reader copy. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[dylanssprayberries]

Picture Us - Luke Hemmings

"You're not getting cold feet, are you?" Your best friend is standing in front of the mirror, eyeing herself with a doubtful look. She's not even dressed yet, only wearing the slip-on that's supposed to go underneath the dress. "I was joking." You say when you see how distraught she looks. "Hey, everything okay?"

"I never thought I'd be the first to get married." She shrugs. "You were supposed to set the example.." She trails off a little. "That was the plan right: you're older, God knows you're wiser." She chuckles a little, then shakes her head. "I know this is stupid. There is no right order for us to do this, it's just that-" She sighs. "I am not going to be a girl anymore. I'm going to be someone's wife and I'm not sure I know how to be one. We haven't discussed any ground rules for this marriage, I have no clue what he expects of me. I don't know how to be a wife. Or a mother."

You walk over and wrap your arms around her from behind. "Calum is the luckiest guy in the world." You smile. "So you haven't figured everything out yet, truth is no one has. And we're not supposed to follow the scripts we wrote of our lives when we were nine, if anything I think reality turned out better than anything we've dreamed of."

She smiles. "I guess you're right."

"And this little one is going to be so loved." You say, resting your hand on her stomach. "They don't even know it yet, but they have the coolest parents around. I mean, Calum is this famous star that has every girl falling at his feet and he picked you. And that doesn't make you the lucky one. Out of thousands of girls he has been fortunate enough to meet this sensitive and caring and vibrant young woman who sees right though him and always reminds him of what matters most. It is your love that inspires people all over the world. It's why we're all here today." You smile. "It's why you need to hurry up and get into that stunning dress of yours."

Your friend giggles. "I love you."

"I know." You nod. "Love you more." You let go of each other and you start rummaging around with the settings on your camera's while your best friend slips into her dress. It's a gorgeous v-neck piece that fits tightly around the torso and flows out at the waist. No sparkles, like you girls used to picture. Instead lace draws out the shape of roses all over the fabric. It's flowy and almost casual for a wedding dress, but it suits your best friend perfectly. "Calum's not gonna know what hits him."

"I'm gonna cry." Your best friend smiles, tearing up just the slightest bit.

"No, no, no. Don't ruin the make-up." You smile. "We worked hard on that." You chuckle.

"Right, right. Calum is marrying a mess." She chuckles. "How did Meghan Markle make this look so effortless?"

"Everything's easy for the royals." You roll your eyes. "I'm sure they were nervous, too, you know. Underneath it all."

"Yeah, okay." She nods. "I'm just so glad you're here."

"Of course, through all of it." I smile. "Now let me get a photo before we go out there." You grab hold of your camera and snap a couple of photos of your best friend in her dress. "All right, I'll go get your dad."

"Thank you."

You hug her one last time. "Next time we talk you'll be a wife." You grin. "I'm so proud of you."

"Go, go, you're gonna make me cry again." She chuckles. "I'll see you out there."

"Smile pretty for the camera."

"I'll try." She grins.

You leave the dressing room and really take in the location as you make your way to the room of your friends father. The wedding is held at a massive yet cosy house. Far enough from the city to have complete privacy. It's an outdoor wedding, which really was the best idea with this 28 degrees weather. But even if the weather was bad, the ceremony could easily be held inside. The house is decorated with extravagant art pieces, something both your friend and Calum love. It was part of why they picked the place. Just as you're about to knock on the door, your best friends father opens up.

"[Y/N]," He smiles warmly. "Is she ready?"

"Ready as she'll ever be." You grin.

"Who would have thought.. my little girl." The old man smiles. "We'll be right out, will you make sure everyone is ready?"

"Will do." You nod and take that as your cue to take off. The ceremony is held at the far end of the backyard and when you get there everyone is already seated. Excitement is in the air and you shoot Calum a wink. Nerves seem to kick in at the sight of you, it really is happening now. You get closer to take a couple of shots of the crowd. Then the ceremony begins and as your best friend comes into the picture, you don't shoot her. Instead you turn to Calum, capturing the exact moment he sees his bride. You grin in accomplishment as you look back at the photo; Calum his eyes are watering and he's wearing the biggest smile you've ever seen on him. It's so genuinely sweet, with just a touch of shyness, almost as if he can't comprehend she really is going to be his.

Then you turn to your friend to take a couple of full-body shots of her with her father by her side, walking down the isle. That's when you spot a pair of eyes watching you with intrigue. You hold the guy his gaze for a moment, then get out of the way for the crowd to really focus on your friend, no distractions. But even when you're off to the side, the boy his eyes are still trained on your. You allow your eyes to wander. He wears a loose black silk shirt with black trousers, which would be kind of odd at any other wedding. Calum and [your friends name] let everyone wear whatever they wanted, they're all for creative expression like that. The all black outfit makes the guy stand out, but not necessarily in a good way. The longer you look, though, the better he seems to get. His slicked back hair falls in waves down to the crook of his neck. His brows are kinda thin and messy, hovering over vivid baby blue eyes. His pale skin makes him look devilishly handsome.

Completely mesmerized, unaware of your movements, you take his picture. Only when you look through the media on your camera you realize you know this guy. Or, of him. He's one of Calum's bandmates. You feel a little stupid for not seeing it before. Ashton you recognized in a heartbeat, you've met the guy plenty times before. Michael isn't very hard to spot in a crowd, he stands out no matter how hard he tries not to. But Luke, Luke seems to blend in a little easier. At first glance there's nothing to make you stop in your tracks. It's all in the details, you just have to be lucky enough to catch them.

"I do." The voice of your best friend sounds perfectly certain as she commits her life to her greatest love. You focus on snapping pictures, instead of on the eyes you feel burning into your skin every time you walk by.

After the ceremony, everyone sits around the yard. There are tiny sitting areas sprawled around, huge pillows providing comfort to whoever decides to sit. You wander around the premises, taking shots of cute details like the basket of blankets with a note that reads: to have and to hold, in case you get cold. There are two guestbook tables, both unconventional. One holds a massive jar and heart-shaped pieces of paper to write your best wishes on. The other does hold a guestbook, along with a polaroid camera to capture the memories of tonight.

"Should we take one?" Beside you, Luke flashes a small smile. You return a weak one, accompanied by a blush. "A photo." He clarifies. "Although I guess you've been taking those all day, huh?" He asks, pointing to the cameras hanging from your shoulder.

"[your friends name] made me swear years ago that if she ever married I'd be the designated photographer."

"You're that good?"

"When she asked, I definitely wasn't." You chuckle. "But, I mean, what fifteen year old really knows how to see the beauty of the world and is able to capture it?"

"So you're the best friend. [Your name], is it?" You nod. "Wow, it's great to finally meet you."

"Eventually we were supposed to, don't you think?"

"Ah, you do know who I am." Luke smiles but he looks a little confused. "You had this kind of look, like you had no clue."

"I didn't, not at first." You confess. "Years ago, when your band was just gaining popularity, [your friends name] told me you were all drop-dead gorgeous. I've been looking out ever since."

"And yet we didn't catch eyes for the longest of time. You don't think I'm drop-dead gorgeous?"

"I think you're an interesting subject." You tease.

Luke laughs. "You know, that sounds far from a compliment."

"I do have eye for this kind of stuff." You joke.

"So do I." Luke dares. He brings the polaroid camera up to his eyes and before you know it he has taken your photo. "I have something to tell you." He says, biting his lip. "But it's kind of a secret, you really can't tell anyone."

You giggle. "What is it?"

"Most single people, like myself," he seems to put emphasis on stating that fact, "attend weddings to find a date, you know, for the next wedding season. Or just to get laid." He shrugs, making you laugh. "Not me."

"So what are you here for?"

"Apart from my undying love for my brother and best friend Calum Thomas Hood." His lips twitch up as he fights a smile, determined to keep up his performance. "I am here to steal your job."

"Oh are you now?" You smile.

"I am." He confirms, this time unable to stop himself from smiling. "See, I have great eye for anything beautiful. As all artists do." He states, matter of factly. "And there's this girl I saw earlier, and this is gonna sound cheesy but I swear to God her smile is a work of art. The only problem is that no one has taken her photo yet." He pouts a little. "Well, that is, until just a minute ago." He grins as he shakes the polaroid, waiting for your image to appear.

"What's next? Am I going to get a song?"

"You want one?" Luke raises his brows.

"You're the artist, right?"

"Well," he sucks in a deep breath as he looks at the polaroid. Turning it around to show you, he laughs. "Not the best around." The lighting has caused for horrible flashes through the photo, making the contrast look the absolute worst. There's not much of your face to see, actually.

"It's not that bad."

"Thanks for not breaking my heart." Luke grins.

You take the polaroid camera from his hands. "Guess it's my turn, since we're supposed to compare." You take his picture and wait for the polaroid to clear up. You purse your lips together when you see the result. "Guess that's my career down the drain." You chuckle.

"Oh come on, you didn't even try!"

"Just stick them in the book." You shake your head, smiling. "Ten years from now, when you're a famous photographer, I'm sure we will all have a great laugh."

"You want to see me ten years from now, huh?" Luke holds your gaze for a little too long, making you look away to hide your blush.

Recollecting yourself, you tuck your hair behind your ear. "I said all of us, as in Calum and [your friends name] and their kids, probably. Maybe you'd be there, I don't know, it did take us five years to meet, after all."

"So I'll take you out on a date then, say, five years from now. To keep the tradition up."

"Sure, yeah. And second dates could be dinner at home, right? So we'll double date with the newlyweds, who will probably be sick of each other by then, perfect timing to have a look back at this day because it will save their marriage, right? And we'll still be in that awkward getting to know each other phase. I read somewhere that equal embarrassment instantly creates a trusting bond, which is a perfect fundament for any relationship."

"How many years from now should I write you that song?"

"Sixth date?"

"That's in thirty years."

"He's good at math." You note.

"My mum teaches."

"I'm not supposed to know that yet, whatever will we talk about during all those dates we've got planned?"

"What do you usually talk about on dates?"

"Well," you start. "There always is some bashing about either Tinder or Badoo, whichever app I met the guy on. We both agree to totally hate the platform even though it is how we met. Then we discuss the basics, like where we went to school, where we grew up, what we do now, that sort of stuff. And by the end of the night I know all this information about someone I know I'll never see again, because both parties would just rather forget it ever happened." You explain. "And we'll both return to the app we claim to hate to do it all over again." You chuckle. "Which is why we are going to skip all of that. The small talk, I don't want any of it." You state, leaving the options of what you are going to do open for his interpretation.

"You're just full of ideas, aren't you?" Luke smiles a little.

"How would you know? We haven't even been on our first date yet." You bite your lip, then turn around to join the rest of the party.

"Friday. Seven." Luke calls out from behind. You grab hold of your camera and turn to capture the moment. Luke is smiling, ear to ear, top row of his teeth on full display, his eyes closed. "Did you just?" He asks, only seconds later.

"Gifts are for our three months anniversary, guess you'll just have to wait and see."

____

Wasn’t gonna post this at first bc it feels like betraying the teen wolf roots of this blog, but what the hell this blog is a fandom mess anyway.

Let me know what you think of this! Would love to hear from you.

[micycle--wheeler]

2

William vs the Homo-Geneous World

Will Byers lives a perfectly normal life. That is, until his life becomes perfectly unnormal, and his life becomes something straight out of a romance novel.

///

Or, Will gets a secret email pen-pal.

read chapter 1 here

read on ao3

FROM: indescisionsbuggingme@gmail.com

TO: evier.maple@gmail.com

DATE: Sep 2 at 11:23 PM

SUBJECT: please respond

Dear Evier,

I’m just like you.

I live a pretty normal life. My parents were the perfect love story, my mom working a low-end job to become pretty successful, and my step-dad is about as awesome as anyone can get. My brother likes photography  and enjoys making weird foods that always seem to taste good (he made kale pancakes that tasted too good to be real. I’m still sure he’s putting sugar in it when he keeps insisting he’s not).

I have the greatest friends anyone could ask for. Two of them, I’ve known pretty much my entire life, one being my sister (how embarrassing is that? A sister as a best friend…). The other I met just a few months ago, but it feels like I’ve known her just as long.

We do everything friends do. We drink way too many caffeinated drinks, stay up together far later than we should, and we spend way too much time on social media.

So yeah. My life is pretty normal.

Except I’ve got one huge-ass secret.

I look around at my room for a second time, at the books stacked up on my shelves. One of the pictures on my nightstand showcase that one time Dad drove us two hours to see a play. My fingers type at the keys once again.

—Horatio

I take a deep breath before clicking the mouse.

Send.

And now I wait.

I step away from the laptop, closing it for the night and going to bed.

That next morning,  everything is normal. Too normal, almost, as if nobody knows I just kinda told someone my secret. Evier is the only one who knows.

If he’s even read the email yet.

It’ll probably be put in the spam folder.

But I take my normal shower, so long it’s freezing by the time I’m out. I check my phone.

Nothing.

I get dressed and hop down stairs, skipping every other step, almost tripping over Chester in the process, who decided to come bounding down the stairs at the exact time I did. Jonathan is in the kitchen, handing me a piece of toast as I headed out the door, not even looking back to see if Jane was following me.

I check my emails as I get into the car, finding nothing of interest.

“Whatcha lookin’ at?”

I jump as Jane leans over, trying to look at my phone’s screen. “Nothing,” I say as I slide my phone back into my pocket.

“Is it a pretty girl?” she guesses. “Aw, did Willy-Will finally find a girl that actually likes him?”

I tell her to shove it as I pull out of the drive, and she in turn flips me off, not even looking in my direction. I ignore her as I turn down Maple Street.

Maple…

evier.maple

Did my phone buzz? I swear my phone buzzed.

I’m startled out of my thoughts as I almost drive into a trashcan.

I stop in front of Dustin’s house, and I take the chance to check my phone again.

Still nothing.

I drop my phone as Dustin climbs in, wild hair bouncing.

“You won’t believe what I dreamed last night.”

“Oh, again with the dreams, Dustin,” Jane turns her head to look at Dustin sitting in the back of the minivan (Yes, minivan. My parents got it from a friend of theirs who was looking to get rid of it).

“This one is interesting, okay?” Dustin defends as I start heading towards Max’s house, which was just down the street. “I was on a train, right?”

“Is this another one of your infamous dreams?” Max asks as she climbs in next to him.

“Yeah! And I was on a train, but everything was strangely blurry.”

“Hmm… What does Freud say?”

Max looks expectantly at me when she says this, mainly because I was the only one that did Psychology last year, and the main thing we studied was dreams.

“Well, good ‘ol Sigmund said that dreaming of trains was analogous to a dick, so…”

“Maybe you wanted to jerk off!” Jane jokes from the passenger seat. “Will does it all the ti—” I try to smack her in the arm while keeping my eyes on the road.

“I do not!”

“Maybe it means you’re not seeing what’s right in front of you,” Max offers. “Like… like maybe you have an idea or an inkling of something, but you still don’t see the full picture. what'd you think, Will?”

I think of what is in the email I sent the mysterious Evier. “No idea.”

I pull up in front of the school, snagging a good spot, away from the kids that like to smoke cigarettes and kick tires.

We all pile out of the car, making our way to our separate classes.

“Nice hair band, Carri, is it new? Oh, new haircut, James? Lookin’ good! Oh, Will!”

Mr, Newby is standing in the hall, doing his morning ritual of greeting students. Just like he did in my freshmen and sophomore year.

“How are you? Nice jacket, even though you wear it every day. Where’d you get it?”

“It’s from a teenager store, Mr. Newby. You can’t enter if you’re over the age of nineteen.”

“Aw, darn.” Mr. Newby shakes his head jokingly as I make my way through the halls and into first period English.

The rest of the day goes surprisingly smoothly, the only even someone interesting occurrence happening at lunch, when Richie Tozier dropped his tray and got applesauce everywhere.

When he sits down at the table, socks soaked in cinnamon, he starts a loud conversation with his fellow baseball player, Lucas Sinclair.

“Did you hear about the gay kid on hawkinswhispers?” he says loudly, shoveling fries into his mouth.

“I did!” Max sits in between Richie and Lucas, practically draping herself over the latter.

“Does anybody know where Jane is?” I ask, ignoring my redheaded best friend. I love Max, but this is just too much heterosexual PDA for me.

“Probably sucking face with Mike somewhere,” Richie throws out, and I try to keep myself from gagging.

“That is the worst mental image I have ever thought of.”

Mike. Jane’s boyfriend. He’s in my theatre class, but that’s about all I know about him except for the fact that he’s Richie’s cousin.

I look down at my phone, planning on checking my email. I open the app and am met with the no internet connection popup.

Right. There’s not service in the building.

“Again with your phone!” Max sighs. “Will, this is the third time today.”

I roll my eyes and ignore her, getting up and heading toward one of the breezeways, knowing I might be able to get at least a couple of bars.

“Oh, Will. William. Willy-Man.”

I look up and find Mr. Newby walking toward me.

“Please don’t call me that.”

“You know the rules. No phones in the hallway. It can cause a collision. So I’ll be having that.” He points at my phone, still in my fingers, and I reluctantly hand it over. “Walk with me.”

I apparently have no choice as he hooks his arm around my shoulder in a I’m trying to relate to you kind of way.

“I remember being a youthful spirit such as you, except I rode a bike instead of surfed the interwebs and killed monsters from another dimension instead of waited for texts from girls.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle uncomfortably. Mr. Newby can be weird.

“So you can have your phone back after school, okay?” Mr. Newby muses. “And you can go back to class.

He walks away at this, whistling to himself  as I’m left standing in the hallway.

Today has been weird.

///

@reddie-tozibrak

[thotyssey]

On Point With: Magdalena Femanon

Sporting club looks that are equal parts darkly dramatic and campy, this Lady of the Haus of Femanon strikes a towering, memorable figure as she vamps across the dancefloor on stilts. An actress of stage and screen and a performance artist across all media, there are few people in the city’s nightlife more compelling than Magdalena Borlando, better known on the scene as the incomparable Magdalena Femanon.

Thotyssey: Thanks for talking to us today, Magdalena! So, crap, it's already the second week of August... how's your summer been so far?

Magdalena Femanon: Hello! Yes, summer’s definitely ending; however, the next and last few weeks will definitely be the most exciting for me out of the season. But so far, it's been pretty solid. Got to film a couple projects, see one of them premiere at a distinguished film festival, and Pride was wild this year. Working hard, playing harder.

Exciting! You're an actor, a visual and performance artist, a makeup artist, a nightlife personality.... I'm sure there's even more to add here, but when somebody asks that terrible question "So, what do you do?" how do you usually respond?

I typically respond with "actor and performance artist." I think those two really encompass all I do and include the other tools I use such as makeup.

Did you have any idea, growing up, that your life and career would be so diverse, and encompass so many different elements of expression?

Oh, I was always a performer, and knew I wanted to pursue performing professionally. But I definitely jumped around among the art forms before I chose to be an actor. However, in college I started to feel a bit stifled. As an actor, I feel that at this point I have to keep a certain physical "brand," and I am getting called in for roles that suit this physical "brand." Discovering and entering nightlife was so special and fulfilling because it gave me limitless self-expression visually, and gave me a space to create these characters! My constant goal is always to be able to merge the two--that is, see these characters on stage and film, which I have thankfully been able to do a bit over the past year.

Where are you from, and how long have you been in New York?

I've been in NYC for six years now. I was born in Argentina, and moved to the states when I was around three years old with my parents to outside Philadelphia.

Oh wow! 

Always my surprise fun fact.

Do you feel an attachment to that Argentinian heritage, still?

Definitely. My whole extended family still lives there, so I'll visit every few years. And I continue to speak Spanish at home. When I was in college I helped form a bilingual theatre company, and was focused on devising and / or producing Latin theatre. I'm always down to incorporate Spanish language into a piece if it works, like I recently did in a piece I helped create, actually... with a couple other members of my drag family, the Haus of Femanon. I would like to be doing more of that.

That sounds fascinating! You certainly have tons of credits on your acting resume, both stage and screen. But of course I have to be Basic and focus on your two episodes of Law & Order: SVU! What was it like working on that show? I bet production is a pretty well-oiled machine.

Haha, that was pretty sweet, yes! Well-oiled machine is right. I mean, 20 seasons! They know what they are doing, and how to do it quickly. The couple episodes I shot aired two / three weeks after I shot them.

That must've been extraordinary to watch them from home, I bet the whole family was watching!

Oh definitely... all while trying not to cringe at the subject matter, haha!

Speaking of family.... the Haus of Femanon! First of all, how were you introduced to the world of NYC nightlife, and then how was Magdalena Femanon born?

The Haus! Well, four out of five of us--Peroxide, Détroit, Mr. He, and myself--attended Pace University, studying within the performing arts department. We were not close at all as a group yet, but we each knew that each other wanted to create looks / try drag / express herself in another, different way than we were getting from school. So we found a flyer for Ladyfag's Holy Mountain (RIP), and we went out in these terrible looks. We were so ugly, but we discovered something special that night--as well as meeting a very special person, Lick, our last member. We started going out all the time, to every party, and immerse ourselves in this world. After a while, we started collaborating on stage and in film as well.

I think Magdalena Femanon was born out of frustration. I was trying to discover who I was / wanted to be, struggling to feel comfortable with myself. And then on top of that, no one could see me! Literally. I am a very petite gurl, to put it graciously. Even in the tallest of heels, I couldn't talk to anyone as they towered over me. No one wants to bend down for more than five seconds to talk to anyone, especially with music blasting. Within a few months of starting to go out with the Haus, I was at a theatre / performance festival and saw a street company perform wearing stilts. I got home that night, and ordered a pair of my own. I also did it to be Extra; I live in a world of extremes. So now I have metal legs for dayz, and the constrictions of them actually really influence and allow for more creativity in what I do. Stilts definitely changed the game for me and were probably the official birth.

[photo by Peroxide]

Stilt-walking in these crowded spaces must be a challenge!

At first I was definitely a bit wobbly...and CRAZY, when I look back on some of the things I did. But you find balance quickly, and it's mostly mental--telling yourself you won't fall.

So, did you sort of build your looks and fashions around being this tall creature on stilts?

It's usually the first thing I think about when I have an idea for a look. It was challenging at first, especially since I'm not a damn seamstress in any way... but definitely fun. I make it work.

By the way, how did you come up with “Femanon” as a family name?

Mr. He actually coined it officially. It takes from the words “femme,”  “phenomenon" and “anonymous.” We wanted to be a Haus as a way to collaborate and perform as a unit, even though we each do our own individual projects as well. I see it as paying homage to the houses of the NYC Ballroom scene. I still gag a bit when I think about how I get to host Battle Hymn with, like, Grandfather Hector Extravaganza or Javier Ninja.

That is quite a legacy! The first time I saw your name, I believe you were doing Kayvon Zand’s party at Webster Hall. Do you miss that space?

Oh yes...Webster Hall. That was a really fun time. Really a shame it needed to close... I read it will be more of an arena now, and less dance nights? Lame.  A part of New York and gay / queer history. Yes, Kayvon's party was great...the kids were HUGE in size at that time... getting up those stairs was not a joke, haha!

It’s hard to explain the appeal of those types of parties (Holy Mountain, Battle Hymn, etc) with club kids in these extravagant looks to people who have never been. How would you explain what makes them great?

It IS very difficult to explain, and people ask all the time. I do not think there are too many places that could full-on celebrate us for being freaks. It's like the watering hole--the place where you go and meet up with a community of people like yourself. The parties are freeing, even if you are not dressed up. Everyone is welcome... unless you're a Nazi. It's a place to meet other artists and collaborators. All of these things add to the appeal.

I was just talking to the Haus of Sterling, and they were marveling about Femanon’s edgy, dark looks. Is that a good description?

I would say that's pretty accurate. With the exception of Détroit (who herself is so over the top campy) none of us go for very human-like personas. I mean, we are glamorous the way a blood-sucking alien is glamorous. We love horror, we like looking other-worldly, we like black and white, we would rather scare you than make you swoon over how elegant we look. 

Tell us a little more about the kind of performing art that the Haus does.

For short nightlife gigs and for events such as Bushwig, we usually do campy numbers involving interpretive dance, usually something relevant in pop culture at the time, and there's always a slight element of gross.

Mr. He was part of a theatre ensemble last year and invited Lick and me to join for the last few productions, where we played characters also very similar to campy nightlife personas. Very much about the look. Very queer. Very camp.

Recently, Peroxide and I starred in a short film which was set within the frame of nightlife called Like Glass. The project was very close to Peroxide and me because although the characters were fictional, the themes were very much those of our lives and something we were eager to share through this medium. It's gotten into a couple of festivals at this point, and I hope it goes farther.

As far as this weekend goes, it appears that the Haus will be up in Sugar Loaf, NY for an August 11th festival called Dusklit, What is that exactly, and what will the Femanons be doing there?

Dusklit is an annual one-night interactive art festival. The art ranges from immersive performances, to pieces in site specific environments, music, puppetry, poetry, sound installations, etc. We performed last year and had a blast, glad to be back this year. 

This year, we are doing a piece called  "INTERWEB:secrets" about the comfort of anonymity on the internet. Participants can share their secrets in the web we create for them, as well as take a secret back with them from an unknown person. We hope to create a massive web of secrets by the end, and have it be an amusing--if not cathartic--experience for people. 

The Haus will also be camping in upstate New York together. CAMPING. Five clowns in a tent. It will be quite a show for all involved.

That would be something to behold! 

Back in the city, August 18th is KUNST, Goddess of Club Fashion Susanne Bartsch’s seasonal raver at Elsewhere. You’re gonna be hosting!

Yes! I like Kunst because it's in an immersive Brooklyn venue, there’s good DJs, and Ithere will be several performances. My babe Baby Yors is performing this time, so can't wait to see him.

Yeah he’s great! Looking ahead, on September 8th at the Paramount Hotel, Susanne is presenting Belladonna, a party and lewk contest. This is a great idea! And it should be epic. Are you hosting, or actually competing?

Belladonna will be epic... I'll be there as a host for sure, but everyone better bring their best lewks. I hope to see those few nightlife gems that only come out once in a while for special occasion look parties, that always slay us. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Anything else on the agenda?

Well, my nearest project after Dusklit is my trip to Black Rock City in a couple weeks for Burning Man. I'll definitely be bringing the stilts and a few looks I have as I stomp through the desert. Focused on preparing for that now.

That’s gonna be so Fury Road! Okay, last question... if the Haus of Femanon ever decided to take in a new member... what would her required credentials be?

“Adheres to Slender Man, willing to submit to cult rituals, and NOT vegan (as our vegan quota of two members max has been filled).”

Very reasonable! Thank you, Magdalena!

Check Thotyssey’s calendar for Magdalena’s upcoming appearances. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram, and visit her website.

On Point Archives

[shinssoliloquy]

WHO? WHAT? WHERE? WHY? HOW?

5 Questions you should ask anyone when they’re starting off a project made from the basis of ego and tenacity. I’m really not a particularly smart person, But I’m smart enough to know how dumb I really am.

I’ve always been itching to do this. Twitter was never a great way to display my thoughts and writing on grounds that by limiting characters your characters by tweet you’d either get into long threads of diatribes that likely no one will even read or you’d have to space out your thoughts and mince words in order to fit to these said limitations. Obviously it’s not a bad way per say to fully flesh out your thoughts but there’s obviously some downsides and you won’t be fully capable of fulfilling those quandaries, much so espousing on your thoughts and opinions to the fullest extent. I could write a book but I’m not knowledgeable enough feel like my thoughts are worth putting into a non-fiction book. I could join discord servers but I don’t know a wreath of people who even care. I could still talk off into the Twitter void but that’s only for short bursts at a time, any ideas or subjects I’d like to elucidate or spell out would just get lost, all my themes would shoot off into the negative space that is a twitter timeline regardless of if they’re worth revisiting or not.

But of course, would it even matter if people do care or they don’t. People live off making Youtube videos and content based on themselves because they assume people actually care about whatever benign thought or creative pursuit they’d have in their head. It’s not up to me to judge if my thoughts are worth putting out there but I guess the reason people use social media is to give a voice to the voiceless, have anyone out there a chance of their own success, But how does that affect content input though, How does impact your very own mental psyche. This is a conversation for another post and it’s far from a topic I’ll have any meaningful outlook on, just from my own experiences as an outsider looking in.

WHO?

I always fancied myself a writer more than an illustrator. The whole crux of my need to learn how to draw was from the idea that “hey no one wants to draw my webcomic ideas on something awful or whatever internet messaging board I was using at the time that’ll date this post when I look back on it when I’m 40, I’ll learn how to draw then and show everyone I can STILL MAKE IT” Then I started drawing and never really looked back. Within the few years or so since I’ve made that discovery I never really focused on my writing, much less my creative writing. I’ve had few instances where I’d try to light up my spark by blog posting was making other short lived wordpresses and blogspots where I can peruse and write for a short while until I get bored and go back to drawing everyday. Of course two particular things happened in which I’ve gotten that spark back, to an extent. 1. The corona virus quarantine happened and I was stuck with nothing to do, I dropped out of school to go to a new college out of country that hasn’t really happened yet and aside from my retail job I haven’t had a good outlet for where to put my creativity too. So I ended up just drawing more but also, reading off some books off my backlog. I’ve always been interested in philosophy and non-fiction since reading Kant and Hume at age 12 and Now rediscovered it because of quarantine. Really I’ve always been a better writer or story teller than anything else but efforts to light up that energy in me has been fruitful and I’ve relegated to being another artist in the pile of artists who’s only personality is that they “like art”. Which made me realized how much of a better self sufficient and self respecting the writer can be rather then the animator. Illustrations are fleeting, words stick with you. Of course greats work of art exist and will always exist. Beautiful paintings can grip me just as much as a good work of philosophy can, But lately beautiful paintings have been disgruntled and disavowed from public schema. If you want to provide good art for people to see, use hashtags and make fast fleeting content for people to consume easily and forget about. Such is the way of social media and how they grip you to keep using their products, It’s not a revolutionary idea but it’s a concept that ends up working. In a way I’d like to counteract this by making fast fleeting content but also putting in forth ideas and writings which I can consider good but we’ll see how that ends up panning out. My goals as an artist is for another topic entirely but really I need a way to practice my non-fiction writing skills and having a blog where I can just go on and on about pointless shit is good exercise. 2. I’ve stopped communicating to people that would point me to a direction in life I didn’t really need to go through and because of that I took a detour in my mental stability and mental development, really it wasn’t good for me. but because of that I was able to keep track of where I need to go and have removed all elements in my life that can allow me to find different paths and know where I’ll truly be. I could also just talk to people about these kinds of stuff but it’s hard to really find people who I can talk about the stuff I want to talk about with and nothing really beats writing a whole diatribe about whatever comes to your mind at the time. Why do I have a lot on my mind? You’ll hear that story in another time but it’s MOST likely an autism thing.

WHAT?

Look at section: Who again but to summarize and clarify what I mean. Content is fast fleeting and non-self actualizing, people don’t want ideas they want content, They need personalities to leech off and see themselves in instead of being creatives themselves. As someone who makes art and wants to make more art It’s hard to really judge if my art is worth it for the algorithm or if it’s worth it to bring in audience retention. Not to mention most people who use social media are kids, and the only way to grab kids attention is to play to their interests, play into their already corroded brains by playing onto their synapses, Not to imply I dislike it per say but more so that I feel that certain audience can somewhat affect your creative output. 

WHERE?

I made a Medium account last month after reading an article on Luxury Communism. It was a fine article but what I got out of it was how good it seems to use Medium to communicate and write articles like these, Until I realized that really it can only be used for more academic pieces and while sure I’d like to do that one day something more lowkey and personal was what I really needed. Hence a tumblr, originally a blogging website before being used to oxidize internet discourse and internet creativity in general, was a perfect outlet for these kinds of posts. I’m actually used to using tumblr for one and can edit and know my way around doing these sorts of posts and the archive feature is good if I ever want to look back on old posts as opposed to Twitter. I can use the ask feauture to take requests or have feedback on my posts in a more concise manner. Unlike Medium or Wordpress I can easily hide certain posts or even the entire account if I wanted too and I won’t be seen or be recommended by the algorithm because I won’t even put tags on these posts. If you know where to find me you know where to find me. Although I do think I’ll make this public at some point I atleast need to know if I’ll even use this or if I’ll even keep making the same kinds of posts as I’d want too.

WHY? 

I’ve already explained why you knucklehead, but I guess here were some of my inspirations to make a writing blog. I could list actual writers or twitter personalities or internet reviewers with blogs I can talk about, for example Yahtzee Crosshaw, Film Crit Hulk, Or even the elusive Andrew Hussie when he had a wordposts and while those people were instrumental to my development as a writer and artist I can’t say they were my full inspiration for making this.

Back in 2016, I was introduced to the Procrastinators’ Podcast by consuming Digibro content and having her podcast be linked at the end of one of her videos. I’ve since started concurrently watching her podcast and while I’ve always sucked into Digi’s cult of personality I’ve started appreciated her other friends in the podcast too, everyone except Nate. One of those members I gravitated too was MunchyWearsTinyHats. He was only one year older than me but I could still see myself in him and in effect appreciated him more than anyone in the podcast. We both seemingly grew up watching and reading the same shit, Homestuck, TF2, He introduced me to Nuclear Throne which because one of my favorite games and we both had the same appreciation for Hussie, Sam Hyde (sadly) Performance art, weird abstract art bullshit and of course My Little Pony. If I actually joined RFCK who knows what would’ve happened but that’s just my take. Of course a surface level description of Munchy aside, as someone who consumed everything he was in, I Lived my life vicariously through him and to all the members of the Procrastinators’ Podcast to an extent even though we both became completely different people as we reached our 20s. Currently he’s 20 and I’m less than a year away to being 20. But I feel as if our paths have drifted far enough that I can properly say I became a whole new different person to who I was in 2016. I still have appreciation for MLP, Homestuck and Minecraft and all the weird media shit me and him consumed. Back then I even modeled my art and persona to look like his too, It was a whole thing. Of course all of these posts and videos and personalities are very very out of date and they don’t reflect the content I consume or even the type of person I am now. I had a friend who also liked the PCP, well it was more like a love-hate relationship I feel but it was nice having someone who I could talk about the PCP with since at this time they were the only people or content creators I was consuming, what’s less said about current pcp the better. She’s always told me, I feel sorry for people who model their lives around these content creators and take advice from them since they clearly don’t know what they’re doing. And while I agree with her to an extent, I wouldn’t go as far as to discredit these artists accomplishments since they seem fulfilled with what they’ve made of themselves, not like we’re doing anything different or are any different to them. It’s about trying to live in a world with your own meaning in it and you can’t do that but disparaging the careers of grown men you don’t even know. Again topic for another day but I guess with this blog I’m always copying and ripping off some of their ideas for myself. In 2019, Munchy made a Tumblr where he’d detail and do the same thing and post blogs or writings he’s made or opinions he’s had, It hasn’t been updated in a year and a half but if it isn’t broke, don’t call the gas company asking for a refund. I even stole his alliteration with Shinsuke’s Soliloquy and Munchy’s Manuscripts, Shinsuke being my real God-given name. Of course the posts on his tumblr are really incredibly out of date and downright stupid and I’ll talk about them on their own on a seperate post since I feel like he really just didn’t know what he talked about and they’re baseline at best and wrong at worst. Regardless he still planted the seed of me as a person to make my own blog and talk about random bullshit.

HOW?

Obviously I will still tweet out stuff on my private twitter, Obviously I will still make art. Right now I’m making my own comics and writing a few short stories that maybe? I’ll put here I’m not really sure. Just depends on if they’re worthy on being posted since I’ll make a short story collection with them instead. Maybe I’ll continue the favorite character writing, maybe I’ll make my own picrew. We’ll see and no doubt these promises will become out of date in a week or two. Rather than the right of the moment malaise of tweeting around bullshit and sending it quickly I’ll use this for more concise text, something that I can sink my teeth in and tap away for what like 5 hours or so? Beats the essays i’d be doing but it doesn’t help that I am typing this in total silence, and I guess those essays will just be posted here. Do people post their school essays like they post their poems or their artwork for school? If you want to use my ask blog then it’s right there if you want a topic for me to talk about or just ask me a regular question. I’m bringing back tumblr asks to it’s real purpose. And of course, the only thing sure about me, is that nothings for sure.

[amandajoyce118]

2020 In Review

I used to end the year with blog posts highlighting 100 things, or 50 things if I wasn’t that ambitious, that I loved about the year. Usually, those things were pop culture things. 2020, however, is a special year, no? I mean, a pandemic, quarantines, political unrest, massive bread lines, natural disasters, refugees seeking better lives, stressful elections, etc. For most people, to make a blanket statement, this year sucked.

Most of the people following me know that I’m a freelance writer, but I have a full time day job as a fresh merchandiser for a food service distributor. That means I never “shut down” or worked from home or any of the other things people have been forced to do. I work a full day pretty much every day with customers who don’t understand why distribution has slowed, why I have “long term outs” of items like cases of hard boiled eggs or fresh ginger, why there are certain days of the week when they just can’t get chicken wings. I have people who refuse to wear masks, employees who forget to disinfect work stations, and a questionnaire I have to fill out before every shift as to whether or not I think I’ve been exposed to covid. And when I’m done there, I escape by writing.

As a result, I haven’t been doing much for fun. Outside of my day job, the media I consume is generally for freelance work, which has made this year really exhausting, no matter how much writing/stories is an escape for me. That’s why, instead of just things I loved this year, I’m going to give you a list of 10 pieces of media I’ve consumed - over and over and over again - that I’ve somehow not gotten sick of when writing listicles about the subjects. I feel like we all need to feel like we’re getting lost in a good story, or with characters we genuinely enjoy, even if, like me, we’re getting lost in those worlds with those characters to be able to write about them.

The Baby-Sitters Club

I was obsessed with the books, the ‘90s show, and the eventual movie as a kid, so it’s no surprise that I was counting down the days until the Netflix adaptation premiered - and I loved it. I’m not going to lie, I’ve watched this show from beginning to end four times this year. It’s such a quick watch and there’s something really great about watching these girls grow up.

Nancy Drew

Again, obsessed with Nancy Drew as a kid. More specifically, obsessed with the ‘80s case files as a kid. I read all of them I could get my hands on. The new television show is a little more Riverdale than the novels are, but it’s an interesting spin on the characters and stories we already know - and the representation of a diverse community on the show is fantastic.

Anne With An E

I’m still holding out hope for a movie to close out this show since there are something like seven books in the original series and the show basically only covered the first one? Where is the justice? But, this is another show I think I’ve watched three times from beginning to end because Anne Shirley Cuthbert is someone you want to be friends with, no matter how old you are. You also want her to come to her senses within about 30 seconds of being introduced to Gilbert Blythe, so you know, it’s a fun and angsty time.

Agents Of SHIELD

One of my favorite Marvel properties ended this year, and… I should probably be more sad about it? Like, I absolutely would have watched more episodes of this show if it had kept going, but I’m also incredibly satisfied with how the show concluded this year, which is rare for me. I’ve gone back and rewatched a handful of episodes for articles, and Agents Of SHIELD feels like a show that I’ll end up rewatching yearly because it’s one of the few shows where I’ve actively engaged in fandom for years and still genuinely love.

Timeless

Yes, I rewatched this gem this year while writing a handful of listicles, and I’m bitter that this didn’t get more seasons. The cast chemistry, the stories of those often overlooked by history, and the twist of a shady organization being closer than you think? It’s pretty perfect. I miss it. It’s a yearly rewatch already.

Pitch Perfect Trilogy

Every so often, I find myself in the mood to hear Anna Kendrick belt out a few songs. Pitch Perfect tends to win out over Into The Woods, and I can’t ever seem to stop at just the first movie. Pitch Perfect is cheesy and not as perfect as its title implies, but it always puts me in a good mood. I want more comedies about a capella groups, please.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

If I had to say where my love of serial storytelling, or my ability to engage in fandom, started, it was with Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I had friends who would create their own team of Rangers when I was little, and we’d trade kicks on the playground (which got us in trouble), and yeah, as an adult watching a show made in 1993, this show is ridiculous. Full stop. But it’s also the kind of show that makes you remember that a whole generation was raised on the idea that even if the good guys don’t always win, they keep trying. They never give up. And that’s just as important today as it was then.

Teen Wolf

I recognize that this show is sometimes a mess and that continuity is not always its strong suit. Does that mean I love it any less? Nope. And neither does the rest of the internet since some of my articles still get heavy rotation even though the show has been off the air for years. It’s the kind of show that pulls me in, even when I already know what’s about to happen.

Leverage

Oh, Leverage. How do I possibly explain how excited I am that you’re getting a revival? I don’t think I can. Also, I don’t know why I’m talking to Leverage directly when I haven’t to anything else on this list. Leverage is about a group of criminals who steal from the corrupt to give back to their victims. I mean. It’s Robin Hood for the modern age. It’s a found family. There are love stories. There are redemption arcs. It’s just chock full of greatness. And Aldis Hodge as Alec Hardison.

RWBY

I only really got into RWBY last year, and it’s fast becoming one of my favorite anime, though admittedly, I don’t watch a ton of anime. I love the references to fairy tales, mythology, and history mixed into this crazy fantasy world. I love that the villains are as compelling as the heroes. I love that in such a large cast of characters, I want to know more about everyone. It’s a fascinating show and some of the episodes are only five minutes long. 

Sailor Moon

I grew up in the ‘90s era of television, so, of course, I watched Sailor Moon after school. The English dubs because I’m a heathen, what do you want from me? I’ve really enjoyed revisiting the ‘90s series after watching Sailor Moon Crystal because, obviously, the ‘90s anime is not exactly the story that was told in the manga. It has such a rich mythology and fascinating characters not to mention beautiful designs.

Naruto

I’m going to be honest, you guys. I never thought I would be into Naruto. But something about it just hooks you. I got into it because there were always listicle topics that editors created for the show on the sites I write for, and I was curious. Unlike manga purists, I actually really like the filler episodes. I think they add a lot to understanding the characters. Also, there is no anime character I love more than Shikamaru in Naruto Shippuden.

New Girl

Okay. New Girl has really been the saving grace of 2020. I know this show ended a few years ago. I know that people should be ready for other things. But here’s the truth: I’m not really a sitcom person. I was as a teenager, but as an adult, I like my serial storytelling to be completely unrealistic and dramatic, usually. But 2020 has been so heavy that I needed the lightness New Girl provides. 

And I love each and every resident of the loft - even the ones I would never be able to stand hanging out with in real life. I love how much they all grow up over the course of the show. I love the one-liners. I love the running jokes. I love the musical numbers. I love the Nick and Jess of it all. In 2020 alone I have watched the first five episodes of this show about ten times. I’ve watched the show from beginning to end twice in just the last three months of the year. I love it so much I’ve even considered writing fanfiction for it (though I really don’t have the time and haven’t even finished old works over the last year). When this pandemic is behind us all, I’d actually consider playing the (arguably dangerous and would likely give everyone alcohol poisoning) game of True American just to see if my friends and I could get through it. 2020 has been rough, but at least New Girl is still on Netflix.

There you have it, a baker’s dozen of the things that got me through this year - mostly in television format. There’s something I just love about serial storytelling, and when it looks like the world is falling apart, it’s nice to have the comfort of happy endings and stories you can plot out yourself. Here’s hoping 2021 is kinder to all of us, and has plenty more stories for us to get lost in.