#every day i realize i am more and more like gerard way

[party-lemon]

Frank Iero really said that everyone knew Mikey and that he had a creepy, hermit older brother, this is the funniest fuckin thing I've ever heard

[anthosvtr]

Série Noire or the true colors of an actor

During my year at the university, I took the habit of watching a movie every time I could. And upon this new passion, I decided to start following people with similar interests on social media. This is how I stumbled upon the movie Série Noire and most precisely the actor Patrick Deweare. I discovered the actor via a photo that someone posted. I could not explain why but the looks of the actor in this exact photo stuck with me and without knowing further information about the movie, I decided to watch it.

The actual photo I stumbled upon that day

Although I jumped into this movie with no information, for the sake of the blog, I am going to contextualize the movie. Série Noire is a movie made by Alain Corneau in 1979. The story is adapted from a novel written by Jim Thompson which was translated into French by the director himself with the personal help of famous writer Georges Perec. Corneau chose to adapt the novel after wanting to take a turn in his filmography. For Série Noire, Corneau specifically wanted Patrick Deweare to play the main character. To the point that he said that he wouldn’t pursue the project if the actor refused to take the role. Upon reading the script, Patrick Deweare agreed immediately to join Corneau in this movie. This character was exactly the kind of role that Dewaere wanted to play, indeed at the time he felt like he was always behind in his acting career. He had most of his famous actor friends (like Gerard Depardieu) taking on the main role in most of the big movies while he was stuck on the same kind of second role.

Série Noire poster aside from the novel it is from. The poster took its design from the Gallimard "Série Noire" collection at that time.

Serie Noire tells the story of a failing door-to-door commercial whose relationship with his wife is also reaching a dead end. One day, as he is prospecting in his district, he stubble upon a vicious old woman who wants to buy him one of the dressing gowns he is selling. But the thing is that the woman wants to pay him, by giving him her young niece's body. Franck disgusted by this technique doesn’t touch her and goes away. But from this day on he fell for her. To distract himself from his chaotic life and find a way to save her, he starts a life of lies, robbery, and murder. The movie follows him as he rushes his life into an infernal spiral.

One scene stuck with me during the watching of this movie. This scene is the one in which Mona tries to join Franck at his work several days after they killed her aunt and got her out of her condition. The scene where they are in a deserted industrial place in the suburbs shows the two characters in all their despair. By trying to escape their conditions, they got themselves into a worse situation. Franck knows that since meeting Mona he spiraled into making the worst decision in a try to leave his bleak life and suburb. The desperation of his character can be seen in this scene as he rushes his head into his car multiple times. This scene, which was improvised at the time by Patrick Deweare shows how trapped the character feels. How desperate he is. What makes the scene even more striking is the fact that it was improvised, even more, so when we know the actor's life at the time. He was going through a lot of things such as break up, drugs, and debts and had the reputation of being an « écorché vif ». Which would later become even more real following his suicide in 1984. Deweare also had the reputation of being someone who had difficulties in leaving his roles on set. He lived his roles to the fullest which sometimes created even more conflict in his intimate life. After filming one of the murder scenes Deweare even thought he had killed someone as it was confessed by some of his friends who saw him that day, "But do you realize that today I killed someone? It is not anything to kill someone“. So this scene confirms Franck Poupart's despair but also feels like an implied way to show Deweare's true hopelessness. That's what makes it striking, that’s what makes it feel even more raw.

The extract in question

Out of the aspect of following the downfall of a character, Série Noire is a movie that also works as an implied social critic of that time. By watching the movie we get how the environment in which the characters evolve is one of the aspects that makes them this tormented. The grayness of the suburbs, the poverty, and the loveless marriage are what pushes Franck to a point of no return. He convinces himself that Mona could be his way to escape, even though deep down he knows his life is hopeless. It pushes him to a point that he even considers the most absurd way of getting out of this bleak life, with scenarios of murders and robbery. This absurdity is something that I searched for in several movies after Série Noire and that I only found again by watching Buffet Froid, a movie made the same year by Bertrand Blier. Both movies expose stupid situations which the characters get into because of the cruelty of society. Both movies evolve in cold and deserted scenery (empty subway, sad deserted industrial zones, cold and bare apartments…) which are only furnished by the sorrowfulness of the characters. In Série Noire just like in Buffet Froid, murder is never here in a gratuitous way, it serves a message, it denounces something. The madness in which poverty and dehumanization can put someone through. Murder is a response to the condition in which the characters live.

Exemple of empty cold scenery setting that both movies shows. Série Noire by Alain Corneau, 1979 (right), Buffet Froid by Bertrand Blier, 1979 (left)

Out of the social critics that the story holds, the filming of this movie could today also serve as a critic of filming conditions. Indeed, this movie was filmed in only six weeks and was described by everyone on the project as a very laborious filming. There is the fact that Deweare was mostly under the substance and was only lucid during the scene shooting. But also overall Marie Trintignant resumed her experiences as the following "I have the impression that we all threw ourselves into the scenes, into the elements, like animals … It was a violent film. Everything was violent!“. Moreover, the actress then aged 16 forever kept after effects of this filming because of the nude scene she had to take part in. She developed trouble with nudity following this shooting. So, with the recent discussions around the film industry, we can wonder if this movie could have been released in today’s setting.

Personally, even though I devoured Patrick Deweare's filmography following this watching. I didn’t find a more striking movie on it. I adored "Mauvais Fils", and I loved "La meilleure façon de marcher" but never has my mind been blocked as much as in this movie. Série Noire beyond being a brilliant movie, really showed all the talent and character of Patrick Deweare person. So much that his performance haunts you even after the end of the movie. Leaving you wondering if you faced a character during these last hours or the real desperation of a man. 5500 characters without space, 15/10/2023.

[starplatinumnun]

YES HELLO WHERE DO I SIGN UP FOR PRINCESS NASTASYA GERARD DOMINGUEZ-SANGRÉ LORE (also i'm giving you the ultimate high five bc i never meet other ppl who give characters poly parents and am DELIGHTED)

Thank you so much!!!! I also haven't met many people with ocs who are children of poly parents, so that's so cool! <3

I can't tell you the FULL lore (because I haven't thought of it yet, and to be fair, it's already really convoluted) but Nastasya is technically the child of my main characters, who later becomes a main character herself.

Nastasya technically isn't a person in the conventional sense. She's more of a... homonculus? She doesn't exactly fit the definition of a homonculus, but that's what I've got for right now. She was created as Adam from the bible and Wonder Woman were created, except in a weirder and much more bloody way. She is not the first person to be made this way. (The first person was the prophet, Vita Carnis, who was an Eve and Jesus figure combined.)

More under the cut! There's a lot, so I don't want to clog anyone's dash! :) Again, thanks for asking!

Her nickname is Nastya, but her full (really long) name and title is Princess Nastasya Gerard Dolores Vita Dominguez-Sangré, Heir to the Sanguine Priesthood, Wanted High Traitor and Former Court Oracle to King Lasha the Nightslayer of the Lucian Authority. (She may have gotten a little silly as the court oracle to another religious sect and committed high treason. Oops! But that's in the future.)

Her mothers, in a brief summary because THEIR lore is even longer than Nastasya's, are some of the most influential people in their universe.

Her mother, Mischa, is a lesbian cannibal who runs a theocracy. (Cannibalism is common where she comes from.) She killed Judith, and Eleanora's friend. She was VERY surprised when Judith resurrected after ten or so minutes. They share thoughts with one another like a force mind-meld thing, and Judith thought she hallucinated her for years.

Her other mother, Judith, was "the chosen one," who came and slayed a good majority of the gods in their universe. She isn't from their universe, and continues to be an anomaly to this day. She has several patron deities, which is abnormal as the average person has one to two. Not a Mary Sue by any means, though. She has several disabilities, and is medically considered dead, though she has circulation, is warm, and occasionally has a pulse.

Her other mother, Connie, is a transgender lesbian woman who serves as Mischa's "right hand." All of her decisions run past Connie. She and Mischa are childhood best friends, though she was pretty much Mischa's advisor for a while. She and Mischa are on equal footing in terms of power now, though, so don't worry!

And finally, her other mother, Eleanora, is a genetic chimera who infiltrates the religious order that Mischa leads to get revenge for her dead friend, a novitiate member of their religious order. She has three patron deities, as she absorbed both her fraternal triplets in the womb. She meets Judith at the beginning of the story.

Their relationship starts out unhealthy (they have all tried to kill each other) but as they realize their feelings for one another, they turn into a healthy polycule with healthy communication. They raise their daughter (and eventually her sister) with care. In fact, she grows up a bit spoiled because her mothers dote on her all the time.

Because of the genetics thing, she happens to look like all four of them to varying degrees, though her skin is somewhat clay-colored. Has autism and a disability like all four of them, too. An unusual aptitude for less benevolent areas of magic, due to her patron deities. Her skin condition, however, is of magical origin. Every time she uses her magic, it causes growths to sprout on her face. They can be removed surgically, but cause intense scarring, pain, and bleeding.

In the future, she becomes court oracle to the Lucian Authority, a neighboring kingdom. She sets into motion a set of events that cause a civil war, a birth, a power struggle, an amateur c-section, and the faking of her own death. She teams up with a knight that she meets while on the run as a fugitive following the inciting incident, and they go on a quest to kill the king and kidnap a child together. Except, it's getting a child back to its parent, so it's like reverse kidnapping? Idk. Her full story needs its OWN post.

She has a pet cat, who is a skeleton she resurrected. It goes with her everywhere. Its name is Fish.

Tell me if you want more Nastya facts, because I have a ton!!!! That's all for now though, because I think I've been editing this for over an hour lmao. The lore is really confusing, but that's probably because I've never explained it to someone else before, and this is only a portion of the greater story.

I'm so glad someone took an interest in my oc polycule and their baby <3

[leonbloder]

Jesus Is Everywhere

This may surprise many folks, but there was a time when there were more than just the four Gospels in the Bible. 

In fact, over 50 Gospels circulated in the early centuries of Christianity, and possibly many others, according to most biblical scholars.  This leads us to a critical question:  

Why weren't these other Gospels included in the biblical canon?  

It all comes down to the early councils of the Church, which decided what got in and what didn't.  

Their fundamental decisions about the Gospel accounts hinged chiefly on the theology the Gospels supported, whether or not an apostle wrote them, and weren't some "secret" revelation between Jesus and one person. 

But when you read some of these other Gospels, you start to realize how much was lost when they were abandoned by the councils of the Church, who almost assuredly had an agenda. 

For example, the Gospel of John contains seven "I Am" statements from Jesus, "I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life," "I Am the Bread of Life," and so on.  

The author of John's Gospel used these statements to make a point about the divine nature of Jesus---statements that set Jesus apart elevated him and connected him to the "I Am" statements God made in the Hebrew Scriptures.  

But there are also "I Am" statements in some of the Gospels that were left out of the Bible, like these: 

I  Am the Light which is upon them all.  I  Am the All.  All things came from Me and all things will return to Me.  Split the timber, and there I Am.  Lift a stone and you will discover Me there. - The Gospel of Thomas 

I Am the seed that is planted in every being. I  Am Father, Mother and child.  I Am the incorruptible One, and I dwell within you. - The Apocryphon of John 

I Am in that place which knows no division. - The Gospel of Thomas

The exciting thing about these statements is that they make the point that Jesus embodies the Universal and Eternal Christ, the Word of God that John declares was "with God in the beginning."  

These Gospels lift the idea that Jesus is, as Father Richard Rohr has written, "A Name for Everything," and the notion floated by the poet Gerard Manly Hopkins that "Christ plays in 10,000 places."  

Why does this matter?  Because one of the many things that get lost in Christian theology in our current culture is that the Spirit of Christ is everywhere, all around us, in us, and through us.  

And when we realize this, it changes us.  It changes how we see the world, allowing us to look for signs of Christ's loving, creative presence instead of despairing when things seem hopeless.

We also have the chance to get glimpses of the kind of world Christ is constantly at work to reveal--a world without division, full of peace, harmony, healing, and hope.  

May you seek Christ all around you today and every day from this day.  May you discover his presence in the world and within you anew.  

And may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you now and always. Amen. 

[lonelyvomit]

16-year-old Abby saw Gerard being dramatic and sassy and for the first time felt like hey maybe not everyone will hate me just cus I’m an undeniable theater kid by nature and 17-year-old suicidal Abby knew of Gerard’s battle with depression and suicidal thoughts and felt like maybe if Gerard can go through it and make it out alright so can I that maybe just maybe it’s worth hanging on and life could one day be worth living again and 18-year-old Abby saw Gerard being openly supportive of nb and trans rights and discussing his own gender struggles on twitter and realized that maybe I could be more than just a tomboy but more importantly that it’s okay if I don’t know and I don’t need to decide and label it if I don’t want to and for years and years no matter the struggle I could find comfort in this person and their weirdness and their flamboyance and their strength and their smile and their beauty and feel like maybe. maybe if Gerard has been through it and still shine as bright as he does, so can I and 25-year-old still a gender mess Abby who sometimes feels like they’re too late and too old to be figuring this shit out anymore is watching 45-year-old Gerard glow and smile and bounce around in a cute little cheerleader dress and realize that there’s no time limit and I’m not too late and I never will be too late and seeing the person who has given me the world shine the way Gerard did last night and see them experience the love and happiness they deserve makes me happy in a way I cant put into words all I know is that every day for years and years this person has been the one to help me believe that maybe just maybe I can survive this world too and one day it will be worth it and seeing him so unconditionally loved is the least the universe can do for him for all they’ve given to us

am I a mess fuck yeah I am but it’s okay I’m happy to be a fucking mess over Gerard Arthur Way in a cheerleader dress

[babymetaldoll]

Danger Days - Chapter seventeen: “Falling into pieces”

Word count: 7,8K

Summary: Joey talks with Matthew for the first time ever since breaking up. Gerard opens up with Mikey about his true feelings for Joey.

Warnings: Cursing, angst, mention of sexual assault.

A/N: Do you think Matthew is gonna be excited to be a dad?

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen | Chapter sixteen | Chapter seventeen | Chapter eighteen | Chapter nineteen | Chapter twenty | Chapter twenty one | Chapter twenty-two | Chapter twenty-three | Chapter twenty-four |

--

Matthew kept asking his mom what time it was. He had been doing the same ever since he woke up around ten in the morning. He was anxious. His whole body hurt; he was suffering from several wounds, but still, what hurt him the most was not being able to talk to his girl.

- "Hey"- Paget whispered as she walked into the room with two cups of coffee- "Hello Marilyn, I brought you this."

- "Thank you, honey"- the two women hugged for a second, then the actress walked to her friend.

- "How do you feel?"

- "Like I was in a car crash, literally"- he answered and smiled- "I'm ok. My knee is still in place, which is amazing. I thought I was going to return to the crutches for another six months."

- "You are very lucky, your car is smashed... I can't believe you don't have a scratch."

- "I have many, many bruises, doesn't that count?"- Matthew whispered, still in pain.

- "I think it does"- his friend joked- "I got you these"- Paget opened a bag and put on the bed all the stuffed animals the young man had made- "I took all the stuff from your car, I had the feeling you might need these."

- "Thank you"- he softly smiled and looked at the handmade toys.

- "Everybody says hi"- Paget tried to take Matthew away from any sad thoughts he had- "Do you know when you will be discharged?"

- "No, the doctor said a couple more days."

- "Again, a car crash."

- "Yeah..."- Matthew smiled at his friend, and she smiled back- "Thank you for being here."

- "That's what friends do... hey, can I get you something to eat?"

- "I'm ok."

- "I'm not coming until tomorrow, so I'm gonna go get you some candy for later"- Paget turned around and left the room for a few minutes.

- "What time is it, mom?"

- "It's noon, baby"- she answered and walked to him, kissing his forehead- "Try to sleep a little more, I'll wake you up when she calls, ok?"- he nodded and closed his eyes. He really couldn't wait anymore.

Gerard looked at Joey warming up at the other side of the room, her eyes closed, her headphones on. He sighed, thinking she wasn't in love with him. She had never been. Not like he was, at least. She wasn't going to be his. Not without a fight. Could he win a battle against Matthew? He was a cheater, but Gerard was married. That made him a cheater too.

- "Hey!"- Mikey's hand smacking his arm took him from his thoughts- "Why are you staring at her?"

- "I was just... thinking about... nothing, I guess."

- "I'm starting to think maybe Frank is right"- and Gerard turned to his younger brother pretending to be insulted.

- "Don't be stupid."

- "Then stop drooling. You are not fooling anyone!"

- "Come on, kids! It's showtime!"- Jeffrey walked in clapping his hands- "Joey! You too!"- he yelled, and the girl took out her headphones.

- "What?"

- "Show, now! Come on!"

- "Sorry"- the girl smiled and sprinted over the band. Frank's arms locked around her as he stood in the hallway next to the stage and kissed her shoulder upon her Megadeth t-shirt.

- "Take care"- and the drummer rolled her eyes.

- "I'm gonna be sitting moving my arms. I don't see the danger."

- "I'm just saying"- she smiled, and she leaned to kiss his cheek.

- "You make it so hard to hate you, Jersey."

- "That's what my wife always says."

- "I love your wife so fucking much."

- "I love her too"- he chuckled- "Have you ever noticed our conversations always end up being weird?"- and she smiled.

- "That's 'cos you are so fucking weird, Frank"

Joey couldn't help but laugh in deep joy for a second. She loved her job and her bandmates. She was finally where she always wanted to get as a drummer. Her personal life was a mess, though. Was that the price to pay to be successful? Getting a shitty love life and a whole mess in your head?

- "I finally get what happened with Andy, in Devil Wears Prada... I hated that fucking movie, but shit, I feel just like her now."

The kids at that show were on fire, which helped the weary band perform better. It was getting harder and harder to keep on playing after all those months of touring. They all needed to get a few days off to sleep and do nothing. Traveling was exhausting. Joey had never thought about that until this leg of the tour.

- "Danke Germany!"- Gerard yelled, and the crowd yelled right away. Mikey turned his back to the kids and looked at Joey smiling. She looked happy when they were on stage. That's why he always kept an eye on her when they were performing.

- "Give me all your fucking money!"- Gerard shouted, announcing the next song- Well, are you ready, Ray?

- "Yeah!"

- "How about you, Frank?"- and Iero made the weirdest noises on the mic

- "How about you, Joey?"- and the girl widened her eyes smiling as Gerard stood in front of the drum, reaching out the mic to her.

- "Yeah!"- and Gerard grinned.

- "How about you, Mikey?"

- "Fucking ready!"

- "I think I'm alright! One, two, three, four!!"

It felt for a minute like she wasn't the supporting drummer but one of the band. And it felt incredible.

The hospital was busy. Nurses and doctors walked outside in the hallways. Matthew was trying to concentrate on anything, but he couldn't take his eyes off his phone. They had brought him lunch already, but he wasn't hungry- and Paget had left him an obscene amount of candy- so he left the tray untouched. He only had the jelly. And only because his mother forced him.

He was weary though, he felt hurt, physically beaten. He was taking it like a champ 'cos he didn't want to scare his mom, but in reality, he was shocked. He had never realized how short life could be. He had never had any kind of experience like this before, and this one showed him one thing: the important things in life are the simplest. The ones you take for granted.

- "What do I love the most in life? My family, watching my nephews grow up, my mom... Yami, my Yami's smile, her voice... everything about her"- Matthew's eyes were stuck in his cellphone's screen as he thought about everything that had happened in the last days- "If there is one thing I need every day for the rest of my life is having her next to me. I'm not gonna let her go, no matter what".

If he could travel in time and slap himself, he would. He would also kick himself in the nuts and never go to that party at all. But he couldn't. And he had to live with it. Somehow.

Joey yelled goodnight to her friends and ran out of the van to her room before anyone could say anything to her. On the ride back to the hotel, they had all been briefed about the next day. They were leaving at seven in the morning. They had to meet in the lobby. They had press and a radio interview in Copenhagen at one. And Joey had the chance to stay at the hotel and rest. Everybody told her to do so. And she didn't argue with that, she wanted to rest, and most of all, she didn't want to be at any interview or close to Gerard.

- "Goodnight, kids!"- she yelled and waved as she ran to the elevator. Gerard looked at her with a sorry glance, and his brother caught it right away.

- "Are you ok?"- Mikey asked and raised an eyebrow.

- "What? Yeah, I'm just tired"- the Way brothers looked at each other, both of them knowing the oldest was lying.

- "Sure... just don't let your exhaustion get in the way"- Mikey stated and walked away.

- "Wait, what the fuck?"- Gerard asked, making the, most likely, wrong decision to follow his younger brother.

- "Come on, Gerard! Stop denying it! You have a crush on her"- and Gerard groaned, exhausted from the same conversation. Mainly because he was running out of excuses to prove people wrong.

- "So do you! So does everybody! 'Cos you are all telling me the same shit over and over again when I don't!"- the brothers got into the elevator on their own and continued arguing.

- "I fucking know you! And I can't believe I didn't see it before! You are fucking drooling all the time! You look like a fucking teenager!"

- "Oh! shut up!"- Gerard frowned and crossed his arms on his chest- "I don't have a crush on her. I am a happily married man! Just because you have been obsessed with her ever since you met her doesn't mean so am I!" They stayed in silence for a couple of minutes until the door opened on their floor, and both stepped out of the elevator.

- "Have you tried to get anything with her?"- Mikey asked and followed his brother to his room.

- "I don't wanna talk about this"- Gerard simply answered.

- "Which means yes."

- "No, I haven't 'cos I don't like her! I have no feelings for her!"- stains of red  hair dye were on Gerard's neck as he scratched it, tired of the conversation, and at the same time tired of denying the truth. One part of him wanted to tell his brother, to have someone to finally open up.

- "I don't want you to hurt her, Gerard."

- "Thank you for being concerned about her the most, instead of your brother"- Gerard snorted and opened his door, followed by his brother. He took out his shoes and laid on his bed like a dead man.

- "I care about her, and if you have feelings for her, you are fucked up!"

And suddenly, it was just too much for Gerard.

- "I know"- the singer whispered, and his brother's chest tightened at those words- "Do you think I want this? It's fucking agony! She stays as far away from me as possible, and she rejected me when I told her how I feel"- Gerard chuckled at his words- "Can you believe that? It's high school all over again! She keeps pushing me away each time I try to get closer to her, ever since the beginning."

Mikey widened his eyes, listening to his brother's confession, as he stood in front of him in shock.

- "You told her you like her?"

- "Yeah"- Gerard whispered and sighed, defeated. It was useless to deny the truth anymore- "I told her I loved her from day one."

- "Did you try to... kiss her?"

- "I succeeded, actually. After months of longing and thinking about it, I kissed her...."

- "What did she do?"- Mikey was whispering, not believing a word. Had Joey kissed his brother?

- "She stopped, told me to get away from her... and when I tried again, and she kissed me back. I thought, "Shit Gerard, you nailed it, she likes you too!" but then she called me Matthew"- Gerard's voice shook, and his brother looked at him, nearly shocked. Was he going to cry? Was he that affected by the drummer?

- "When did you..."

- "After the show in Valencia."

- "You sick bastard! She was drunk!!"- the youngest Way nearly yelled and kept walking across the room, brushing his hands against his face and making a serious effort not to hit his brother- "What the fuck Gerard?! She was intoxicated, and you tried to kiss her?"

- "I didn't try. I told you I succeeded! It was so good, it felt so fucking right"- the singer made a pause and wiped off the few tears that fell from his eyes.

- "I can't believe it! You abused her when she was drunk!" - but Gerard ignored the accusation and continued talking.

- "She wasn't drunk the first time, by the way"- and Mikey frowned.

- "You kissed her more than once!"

- "Yeah, that day you left me alone with her... it was so sweet, so tender..."

- "She was fucking depressed, crying, and affected by her boyfriend!! Gerard! What the fuck is your problem!! It's the sickest shit I've ever heard you do!"

- "Don't you think I feel like the shit too? I know I fucked it up! I just couldn't help it! I love her! I can't stand the fact she is suffering for an asshole who cheated on her! I need to fix her! I needed to..."- but Mikey didn't let him finish.

- "You are married. You don't have the moral to judge Gubler for cheating!"

- "I know"

- "And you love her? You are married! Don't you love Lynz anymore?"

- "I love her so much, Mikey! That's what's killing me too! 'Cos I love both of them! I wanna be with both! I need to have them both!"

- "Dude... that shit is sick!"- Mikey was shaken.

- "I know! That's the worst part. I know what I feel is wrong! I can't love Joey. I can't mess things with her 'cos she works with us and is fantastic as our drummer. But at the same time, it's like she is a magnet I can't keep away from! Like she is my earth, and I'm her moon, orbiting around her!"

Gerard sat down and started crying.

- "I don't know what's wrong with me! From day fucking one! I looked at her, and I knew she was going to be the end of me! And I've been dealing with this all along..."

Mikey had no idea what to do. He was in shock. Sure, he knew Gerard was weird around Joey, but he never thought it would be this bad. He always thought he didn't like her. And it turned out to be the complete opposite.

- "Until this morning, I was sure she was going to leave, not only for her stupid boyfriend but because of what happened..."

- "That's why she had been giving you the cold shoulder"- Mikey whispered, thinking out loud.

- "And I deserve it, I guess. I kissed her and told her I loved her... what the fuck is my problem?"

- "I don't know, but you really fucked it up"- Mikey nodded in silence at his statement and finally sat next to Gerard. His older brother brushed his hands against his face and wiped off the tears.

- "I feel I love her, you know? Like... a fucking piece of my heart I never knew was missing just appeared, and I need to keep her close, no matter what, 'cos if I don't, I'm gonna die."

- "Well, you are gonna have to learn to let that part go, 'cos there is no way, and I mean it, no way she is ever going to be with you."

Mikey was brutally honest, in part 'cos he was mad at Gerard, but mostly because he knew it was the truth. Joey wasn't in love with him. And even if she was, she would never let him leave his wife for her.

- "I know... and yet, I can't stop trying"- Gerard made a pause- "I hated you so bad for being so close to her... you are all so fucking close to her."

- "I always thought it was weird you were so distant."

- "I didn't know how to act around her. She smiles, and I have no fucking clue what to say."

- "You are fucked."

- "Yeah"- the two of them made a long pause.

- "You are gonna have to get rid of your feelings, Gerard."

- "I know... any clue how?"

- "No..."

- "And knowing right now she is talking to him, that shit kills me"- Mikey sighed. That was killing him too. But he didn't say a word.

The computer was on the bed. Joey sat in front of it, FaceTime was open, but she still couldn't find the guts to press "call." She just stared at the screen and sighed. She wanted to know about him, she was worried about his health after the accident. But she didn't know how to deal with it. With the whole "you broke my heart" part of the conversation.

- "Ok, let's do this. And you are not talking about any feeling, just about his health. It's gonna be a short call."

And not thinking about it again, she started the video call.

- "Hello baby!"- Marilyn's face filled the screen, and Joey's body shook with fear, anxiety, and excitement.

- "Hi! How are you?"

- "Great! How was the show?"

- "It was amazing! The kids were nuts today!"- and Joey yawned- "But I am dead, sorry. I just showered and put on my pajamas."

- "That's ok..."- there was a silence, Joey knew what was gonna happen, and she decided to treat it like a band-aid

- "And how's Matthew?"- she just ripped it off, pretending it didn't hurt

- "He is right here. He has been waiting for your call all day."

- "Mom!"- he whined, embarrassed. Joey had to bite her lips not to smile as she heard his voice somewhere near the phone. She felt her body shaking at that sound.

- "I'm gonna let you two kids talk. I'll be outside, bye honey!"

- "Bye Marilyn!"

Joey waved at the screen and noticed all the movements when the phone left the woman's hand. Two seconds later, Matthew's face filled the screen, and her heart stopped. He was bruised. He looked severely hurt. And yet, he had a massive smile on her lips as soon as he saw her.

His heart started beating so fast on his chest as soon as he laid eyes on her, he was sure one of the machines around him was going to start beeping. Neither of them said a word for a moment. They just stared.

- "FaceTiming him was a mistake. A normal call would have been so much better,"- Joey thought and took a deep breath before saying- "Hey, how do you feel?"

- "Good... I'm good. It looks worse than it is, maybe 'cos I get bruised a lot... 'cos I'm so white and... I'm a peach"- Matthew started rambling.

- "What happened?"- Joey stopped his rambling 'cos she knew he could go for hours.

- "A truck missed a red light and hit my car, but I'm ok, really... not even a broken bone."

- "What about your knee?"

- "It's still in place."

- "Now that's a miracle!"- Joey chuckled and regretted it right away, she was melting, and hearing Matthew's laughter like a cascade of joy didn't help either. Her heart kept racing, and her palms were sweating.

- "Yeah! I thought I was gonna have to spend another year in those crutches."

- "It's a good thing they are still in your closet."

- "A part of me knew I was stupid enough to injure myself again"- the actor smiled and shrugged. However, that movement hurt, and he involuntarily winced in pain.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah, I just... forgot that hurts"- Joey nodded and looked at him. She wanted to end that call before she would burst into tears, which was about to happen any second now.

He was the father of her child. They were having a baby together, and he had no idea. All the thoughts spinning around her head were too much. It scared her to think about how everything was going to be when it came to the moment to talk about it, and she was sure that the moment wasn't that one.

- "Well, you should rest. I just wanted to know if you were ok, and..."- the girl started saying, but Matthew stopped her.

- "Wait, no... don't hang up yet"- his voice was a plea, and desperation came from each word he spoke, even his eyes looked at her with sadness and longing- "Please talk to me."

- "We are talking. You are clearly in pain. Maybe you should rest."

- "Please, don't go. I needed to talk to you for so long."

- "No, Matthew."

- "I need you to listen. I need you to forgive me."

- "No, Matthew, I'm tired; I don't wanna do this, not now, not ever. I just called to know if you were ok. I can see you are not half as bad as I imagined, which makes me happy. But I don't wanna talk about us."

- "Fine, that's ok, we don't have to talk about us, let's talk about anything else."

- "Matthew"- Joey knew just talking to him about the weather was a threat. Why? 'Cos he was charming, and she loved him. She didn't want to forgive him, and seeing his face wasn't helping in keeping that resolution.

- "Please, tell me, how was your day?"- she sighed and looked away, locking her eyes in her nails- "How was the show?"

- "It was good"

- "When do you leave for Denmark?"

- "Tomorrow at seven."

- "It should be a long drive from Hamburg"- Matthew was honestly desperate to make conversation, and the subject made it obvious.

- "Jeffrey said four hours, time I plan to spend sleeping."

- "Are you doing any more press with the band?"- at that minute, anything that came through Gubler's head that could help him keep her in line was a good subject.

- "I hope not, at least not tomorrow"- Joey kept staring at her nails, avoiding his eyes. Matthew couldn't stop staring at her, sitting on her bed, in pajama, obviously exhausted but still talking to him. That was a good sign, right?

- "You looked gorgeous at the Valencia show"- he sort of whispered and saw her cheeks turning red of embarrassment- "I told you that was a great outfit."

- "Yeah... I remember"- she sighed and looked at him, raising an eyebrow- "So, did you actually watch it? I thought you would be working at the time."

- "I stopped everything and forced them to watch you play"- Joey chuckled at those words, and Matthew felt he was a tiny baby step closer to win her back- "I wasn't going to miss it. It was my chance to see you live, and you kicked ass." The girl felt the blush in her cheeks as she looked at her fingers again, playing with them on the blanket of the bed.

- "Thanks..."- Matthew stayed quiet for a moment, just looking at her.

- "You look so beautiful tonight"- but she raised her eyes and frowned

- "Don't"

- "Sorry"- he whispered and sighed- "So... Paget came to see me today"- that was the only thing that came to his mind

- "How is she?"

- "Good, she bought me so many candies I'm gonna have a sugar rush until Halloween"- and he chuckled.

- "I'm jealous. Mikey took away all my candy today."

- "Why?"- the boy frowned.

- "He said I can't have that much sugar"- and Joey bit her tongue. She couldn't eat that much sugar being pregnant. She was pregnant with Matthew's baby.

- "What is he? The sugar police?"- and the girl slightly smiled.

- "Yeah, I guess he is."

- "How is he?"

- "He hates you."

- "I guess everybody hates me, I hate me... mom hates me."

- "I surely doubt it."

- "Believe me, she does."

- "Anyway, we are not talking about that..."

- "Are we ever going to talk about that?"- and Joey knew the answer to that - "Yes, I guess we will... we have to talk, "But not about what you are thinking, cheater."

- "Good, great, yeah, awesome, we have to talk, I need to..."- but Joey stopped him again.

- "Not now, not today. When I come back to Los Angeles, we can meet, have a coffee and talk about it." Matthew nodded. He didn't have another choice but to agree with her terms. He wanted to talk to her, and he had to go along with her flow to win her back. Not along with his desires.

- "Do you want me to pick you from the airport?"

- "No thanks, I can take a cab."

- "You are gonna bring a million bags..."

- "I can handle it, don't worry"- her voice was so serious. Matthew knew he shouldn't insist.

- "Ok... how's your mom and dad?"

- "They are ok. They miss me."

- "I miss you too, so fucking much."

- "Ok, gonna hung up now."

- "I'm sorry, I just.... needed to see you."

- "And you saw me, and I wanted to know if you are ok, and now I know you are, so... I guess we are both..."- but no word came from Joey's lips for a second. She just zoned out, looking at Matthew- "I guess I should go, I have to get up real early, and I'm tired."

- "Of course, I don't wanna keep you up."

- "I'll call you when I get to Los Angeles."

- "Yes, please, let me know you are ok."

- "Do you know when you'll be discharged?"

- "In two days."

- "Good"- she nodded and bit her lips- "Ok, so, talk to you in a few days."

- "Yes... well... would it be ok if I called you sometime?"- she didn't know what to say- "Or text you, or something... just to make sure you are alright."

- "I'm alright."

- "I still get worried about you... traveling and all"- she looked at him, there was so much sorrow in his eyes, in his words.

- "You can text me if you want"- and a sigh of relief left his lips.

- "Thanks... now go to sleep."

- "Yeah, I will."

- "I love you"- he said, knowing those words might upset her, but he wasn't able to keep them in his chest any longer- "And I swear I'm gonna do whatever it takes to show you how sorry I am for fucking things up."

- "Bye, Matthew. Take care and say hello to your mom from me"- Joey ignored his last words and watched him for a few more seconds.

- "Talk to you later"- he murmured, fighting the tears that kept coming to his eyes

- "Bye"- Joey hung up and shut down the computer. In less than a second, she started crying, her heartbreaking and beating filled with love at the same time. Seeing him, hearing him. It was all too much.

- "How can I stop fucking loving you?! How on earth can you stop loving someone?!"

And as odd as it might be, Gerard was asking himself the very same question a few rooms away from her.

::: Denmark, March 15th, 2011 :::

Ray's arm felt numb underneath Joey's neck. But he didn't want to move it and wake her up. They were at the back of the bus, probably an hour away from Copenhagen. The girl had slept most of the trip after puking breakfast. The two of them had spent the whole journey there, with Mikey, mostly sleeping. They were all exhausted.

- "Hey guys!"- until Frank walked in and woke Mikey and Joey up- "Sorry, I didn't know you were sleeping"- he stood at the door with a sorry glance- "I wanted to ask you if you wanted to do the setlist now, 'cos we have been playing the same one for the last three shows, and it would be nice to make a few changes"- Ray nodded as Joey sat down, yawning.

- "Are we there yet?"

- "Not yet, Bug"- Ray smiled and moved his arm, feeling numbness and tingling- "Do you feel ok?"

- "Yeah, I'm hungry."

- "Here"- Mikey quickly grabbed a bag and gave her a cereal bar- "I got you healthy snacks when we stopped a while ago"- and he smiled, showing her a paper bag- "We've got everything you need to keep my nephew growing healthy."

- "Thanks"- she whispered, feeling awkward still just talking about her pregnancy like a common thing. She still didn't (or couldn't) believe she was pregnant.

- "So, setlist"- Frank sat next to his friends and started writing. They were halfway there when Iero turned to Joey and smiled- "Bug, pick a song"- and she frowned.

- "Why?"

- "We've been shitty friends. We never ask you what you wanna play."

- "That's 'cos I... you know, that's not my job, you are the band, you choose your songs."

- "And I choose you, like a Pokemon"- Frank grinned- "What would you like to play?"- Joey scratched her eyes and yawned again.

- "Vampires."

- "Done!"- and Frank wrote it down- "What else?"- the girl thought about it for a second

- "House of Wolves"- Ray smiled.

- "Loving your choices."

- "Thank you"- Joey finished her cereal bar and smiled- "Thank you, Mikey."

- "You are welcome, Bug"- a hum on the girl's phone caught her attention. It was a text from Matthew.

- "Hope you are having a nice trip"- and her heart raced, her cheek blushed, and her friends frowned.

- "Are you two in better terms?"- Ray asked, knowing neither Mikey nor Frank was going to ask without insulting Matthew.

- "Let's say I'm wrapping my mind around the fact I have to tell him he will be a father. I talked to him about his health, and that was it... nothing about us."

- "But he is texting you"- Mikey pointed out the obvious.

- "Yeah... but we are not back together. And I don't want to forgive him, so I'm ok"- the all nodded- "I just know I'm gonna have to deal with the whole baby thing with him, and I don't know if I wanna be mad at him the whole time"- they all nodded again- "I don't know what I'm doing"- she whispered.

- "If you want, we can say it's my baby"- Frank said with an honest smile- "I give them my last name. Matthew won't have a reason to be close to you, and everything will be awesome"- Joey chuckled at the idea.

- "You are so funny, Iero."

- "I wasn't joking. I can convince Jamia to go through the whole thing."

- "Shut up!"- Joey punched softly Frank's arm and smiled.

- "She wants to talk to you, by the way. Jamia"- the guitarist said and kept writing down in his notebook, avoiding making eye contact with the girl, just in case she would get upset.

- "That's cool."

- "I mean about your baby, in case you need any help... if you want to ask her things... she is there"- Frank finally looked at Joey and bit his lips- "I'm sorry I told her about that"- he made a pause, and Joey shook her head.

- "It's ok. I love Jamia... and I'm sure I'm gonna text her with a million questions in the next nine months, so... thanks"- the girl smiled and messed with Frank's hair. The four of them stayed quiet. Mikey was stuck at his book, Frank looked at the setlist and Ray at their schedule for the day.

- "Where's Gerard?"- Toro asked and looked around. Joey turned to the window, Mikey's eyes stuck at her. He was dying to talk to her about what had happened with his brother. He wanted to know her side of the story.

- "He is at his bunk"- Frank simply replied- "He has been there since we got into the bus."

- "Good, stay away from her,"- Mikey thought and went back to his book. Maybe his brother was doing the right thing for once.

It was three in the morning, and Matthew woke up for the hundredth time that night. It was hard to sleep at the hospital. There were many noises all night long, and nurses that came to put an eye on him. Just two more days, and he could go home. That idea made him happy. Six more days and Joey was going to be back in Los Angeles. The hum of his phone took him from his thoughts, and a smile lodged on his lips immediately.

- "Already in Denmark"- Joey had answered his earlier message.

- "How was the trip?"- he quickly typed and waited, staring at the screen. Joey looked at her phone and held her breath. She was lying on her bed, knowing she wasn't going to get any sleep. The tv was on, the sound in the background of her room made her feel a little less alone.

- "I slept most of the way"- she simply replied and closed her eyes. She felt like a schoolgirl talking with her crush. Decided to avoid her phone, the girl surfed channels for a while. But an incoming text took her complete attention. She wanted to read it so badly, but she didn't want to want to read it. If that made any sense at all.

- "I'm jealous. I can't sleep in this hospital,"- Matthew wrote and sighed. He looked around his room and his eyes laid on the stuffed animals still on the couch by his bed. The ones he had made for her. He just hoped she would like them.

- "Hospitals sucks,"- Matthew chuckled. He could almost listen to her voice saying that as he read it.

- "Food is the worst. I've been living on Paget's candies,"- but that message, Joey didn't reply. He waited for at least ten minutes, but no answer appeared on the screen. He closed his eyes and sighed. He didn't want to push things too fast, but at the same time, he couldn't help it, he needed to talk to her for hours, like before.

Joey was curled in bed, surfing channels, her phone hidden underneath a pillow. She knew talking to Gubler was a bad idea 'cos she loved him. So instead, she hid her phone from her and glued her eyes to the screen. Bad luck for her, "The Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou" was on. It was like life wasn't helping her at all. Matthew was everywhere. Including the movie she watched.

- "I should go get something to eat,"- she typed, giving up at the temptation. Gubler opened his eyes. It took the girl over half an hour to reply.

- "With the guys?"- he wrote quickly

- "No, I'm alone today, they are doing their band shit"- she sat on the bed and put on her shoes- "Talk to you later"- and finished the conversation.

- "Take care,"- Matthew answered quickly. He smiled and closed his eyes, sighing- "Baby steps, Gubler. Baby steps."

- "What the fuck are you doing, asshole?!"- Joey slapped herself mentally- "Stop giving him hopes. You are not getting back together."

Mikey wasn't himself that day. He wasn't mentally there at any of the interviews. His brother was in love with Joey. The thought of Gerard trying to kiss her was hunting him. It was sick. And when she was drunk, when she was sad. He even felt guilty for leaving her with him. Like he was responsible for his mistake.

- "And why the fuck didn't she tell me?! This is huge?! Doesn't she trust me? Isn't this important? I thought we were brother and sister! This is something you share with your brother!"

- "Mikey?"- Frank moved his hand in front of the bassist's face and frowned- "Are you here?"

- "Sorry, I spaced out... what is it?"

- "The interview is over; we can go"- Mikey looked around. He was the only one still sitting at the radio studio.

- "Right."

- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah."

- "You are quiet."

- "I don't usually talk a lot in interviews."

- "Touché"- Iero chuckled and tapped on his friend's back- "Tired?"

- "Weary"

- "Just a few more days, hang in there"- Mikey nodded and walked with his friend. Gerard looked at him and raised an eyebrow. He didn't reply, not even with a gesture. Mikey just continued walking. He knew what he had to do. He just found it weird.

- "Hey"- he whispered, making sure his brother wasn't going to overhear his conversation and held his cellphone close- "Are you feeling good?"

- "Yeah"- Joey rolled in bed and sighed- "I already had lunch half hour ago, and it's still in my stomach, so I guess I'm awesome"- Mikey smiled.

- "Were you sleeping?"

- "No, just rolling in bed and coloring mandalas from time to time, watching tv."

- "We are going to the hotel now."

- "Great! Are you gonna nap?"

- "I wanted to hang out with you."

- "Great! Bring candies."

- "I'll bring healthy snacks for my nephew"- Joey sighed at those words. She wasn't ready to start talking about her baby.

- "A tiny little Snicker, for Christ Sakes. For your niece."

- "I'll think about it."

Joey watched The Nightmare Before Christmas, trying to wrap her head around the fact she was going to have a baby. Sure, she always thought about it, but not at twenty-six. Yes, she wanted to have a baby with Matthew, but not under those circumstances.

- "I guess I'll have to make the best of it"- she sighed, rubbing her belly sweetly- "You are gonna have Halloween every day, I swear"- Joey whispered- "I'm gonna make sure you've got everything I never had. Your dad is gonna go nuts when we tell him... I still don't know what kind of nuts, but I guess we'll have to figure it out."

She made a pause, thinking about Matthew telling her he wanted to fill their house with babies. Maybe he was going to be excited after all. Maybe.

- "Your uncle Mikey is gonna spoil you, that I am sure about"- the knock on the door took Joey from her conversation with her belly. Mikey stood at the other side, smiling and holding a fun size Snicker bag.

- "I'm going to give you one every day. That's gonna be your only candy, ok?"

- "Thank you!!"- Joey walked in, jumping in excitement, making her friend chuckle. He was slightly mad at her, but still, he couldn't be mean to her- "How was work?"

- "Boring, I think I fell asleep during most of the interviews"- the girl chuckled and sat indian style on her bed- "I can see you are watching kids movies already"- the bassist raised an eyebrow staring at the screen.

- "I happen to love this movie... I'm a Halloween kind of girl."

- "Yeah, I know"- Mikey stood in front of Joey, chewing a Snicker.

- "Aren't you going to sit down and watch this masterpiece with me?"

- "I need to talk to you about something first."

- "Shoot"- but Way didn't know how to start that conversation. He thought about it the whole morning, but he still had no clue. So instead, he mumbled some unintelligible words- "What is it?"

- "I just..."

- "Is it because I've been wearing a lot of your hoodies? I'm sorry, the ones I brought are Matthew's, and I don't feel like wearing his clothes."

- "No Bug, it's not that."

- "'Cos I'm wearing Frank's too... which is pretty weird 'cos he is my size..."

- "No, Joey. It's not about that."

- "Then why are you so serious?"

- "'Cos you never told me you kissed my brother"- and Joey's face fell.

- "Did he tell you?"

- "Clearly... what the fuck?"

- "I don't know!!"

- "Why didn't you tell me?!"

- "'Cos if I never told anyone, I could pretend it never happened! And I wish that never happened!"

- "What the fuck was that about?!"

- "I don't know, I felt like the shit, he kissed me, I didn't stop him right away..."

- "Do you like him?"

- "No!"

- "Do you love him?"- Mikey was serious about his questions- "'Cos he is sure he loves you."

- "I don't love him, Mikey. We both know there is only one shitty person I love"- Joey laid back on the bed and covered her face with her hands.

- "Do you think I'm proud? I should have never done that! and I definitely shouldn't have let him get to the point he got"- Mikey frowned.

- "What?"

- "So he didn't tell you he wanted to fuck?"- the girl simply replied- "When I was drunk... we kissed, at a certain point we made out, but I wasn't very conscious of what he was doing... I just... in my intoxication... I thought he was Matthew."

- "What the fuck?"- Way wide opened his eyes and turned to his friend in shock.

- "Yeah, it was sick..."- she whispered, embarrassed.

- "Joey, that's abuse!"

- "What? no!"- the girl gasped.

- "Joey, my brother tried to abuse you"- Mikey yelled- "You were drunk!"

- "Yeah, but..."

- "You were nearly unconscious, and he tried to make out with you?"

- "No! No! I mean, a part of me knew what I was doing. I just... didn't know who I was doing it with."

Honestly, that didn't sound like an excellent explanation of the facts. Joey was in denial of how bad things had gotten with Gerard.

- "Bug, that's not right! He knew exactly what he was doing, and he shouldn't have done that to you if you were drunk!"- Mikey's words resonated in Joey's head.

- "He didn't try to rape me. I mean, he stopped when I realized he wasn't Matthew... and honestly, I'm not trying to defend him, but I was pretty disgusted by my actions right away!"

Joey stood up and looked at her friend right in the eyes. At that moment, she decided the best she could do was take the pushy scene from the story, when Gerard didn't want to let her go. It was better to forget that moment and pretended it never really happened.

- "The first time he kissed me, I thought making out with your brother was the perfect revenge against Matthew, mostly 'cos he was always saying Gerard had a thing for me"- the girl sighed and pouted at her friend- "Who was ever going to think he was right?"- Mikey wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of your head- "I just didn't know that one kiss made him think we could do it again when I was drunk."

- "Please don't do stupid shit like this again"- she nodded

- "Your shirt stinks"- she joked, making her best to stop the serious conversation 'cos she couldn't stand arguing with Mikey, and less talking about that subject.

- "Sorry, I ran out of clean clothing 'cos I've got a friend who keeps wearing everything I own"- he chuckled, and Joey smiled, letting him go slowly to go back to the bag of candies- "I said just one a day."

- "Can I get an extra one today? Please?"

- "No, you are grounded, 'cos you did something incredibly stupid"- they stared at each other in silence for a few seconds, until Mikey smiled- "Fine, but only today"- she girl smiled and landed a kiss on Mikey's cheek.

- "Thank you. Besides, Ray is the only one who can ground me around here."

- "Right"- Joey chewed her Snicker and laid back in bed, tapping the spot next to her- "There's still one more thing."

- "Oh shit! I don't want to have more serious conversations. We've had enough of those already."

- "He claims to love you"- Mikey just said, and Joey closed her eyes, wincing.

- "I know! And I find it as stupid as false! We've barely talked this whole time! He has no idea who I am, what I like, or anything! He is just talking with his cock!"

- "And what are you gonna do about it?"

- "Stay as far from him as possible"- Mikey laid next to Joey and held her hand- "Do you think the others suspect anything?"

- "Frank, for sure. He has been arguing about it for days now."

- "Shit!"

- "But hey, hey, don't worry"- Mikey tapped on Joey's hand- "It's gonna be ok."

- "Bróðir"- the girl made a pause and never unglued her eyes from the screen- "I'm gonna have to leave."

- "No!"- his voice sounded serious and certain- "You don't have to!"

- "I'm nothing but trouble! This tour is more a soap opera than a job at this point! Breaking up with Matthew and having all of you taking care of me, now I'm pregnant, your brother claims to love me." Joey turned to Mikey and cut him a shy smile. - "Face it, if you had hired a male drummer, you would have had a quiet tour. Nothing to worry about, not all this fucking drama to deal with."

- "If we had hired anyone else, I would have had a miserable tour"- Mikey simply replied and messed with Joey's hair as the two of them returned to watch the movie- "So stop saying nonsenses."

- "I'm so sorry..."

- "Knock it off"

- "And I don't want you to be mad at your brother."

- "I'm not mad"- Joey raised an eyebrow and looked at Mikey- "Fine, I hate him right now, 'cos he has been acting like a fucking crazy jerk, and honestly, he nearly abused you, Joey!"

- "Don't hate him... let's pretend none of that weird shit ever happened, which is what I'm planning to do."

- "Fine"

- "And don't get all weird."

- "Fine"- Mikey sounded a little annoyed.

- "And don't make a fuzz if I stay away from him."

- "I'll support you, I'll even stay away from him myself."

- "Don't. He is fucked up. Maybe if he opened up with you, it's because he needs company or someone to help him overcome this... madness."

Mikey turned to Joey again and sighed. He disagreed with her, and he was planning to stay away from his brother and keep him away from Joey as well.

- "And how was your talk with Matthew?"- Joey's heart raced just by hearing his name- "The red cheeks are giving you away."

- "It was... ok, I guess."

- "And now you are texting"- she sighed and huffed.

- "I'm gonna have a baby with him, Mikey. It's hard."

- "And you love him."

- "Not the point... and that's all I'm saying about that subject."

- "Ok"- Mikey wrapped an arm around Joey's neck, and she rested her head on him- "Let's watch the movie before we have to leave for the arena."

Mikey wasn't mad at Joey. He was scared she might consider leaving the band. He loved having her there. She was honestly his anxiety shield, and he couldn't deal with that tour without her. Not at the moment. He was alone. He felt alone, and she was the one with him always. Ray had Christa, Frank had Jamia, Gerard had Lynz (and it was now obvious: he also had a stalking problem).

Mikey had Joey. At least when they were on the road. Hiding in their friendship and brotherhood was the only way he could handle loneliness. Or to avoid it.

**

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[robinrunsfiction]

It’s A Love Story - Part 3

Part 2

"What the hell Frank," (YN) heard Ray shout from where she was sitting on the steps in front of the school, digging through her backpack. Her head snapped up as she looked between them, trying to figure out what was happening.

"What did I do?" He asked defensively.

"Tucker just told me he delivered a pizza to you on Friday night, and he saw girls shoes and a purse by the door. You lied about being sick to go on a date?!"

(YN)'s eyes wide as panic ran through her. She hadn't seen Tucker, she was in the living room, so there couldn't have been any way he would have seen her. Ray would have said if he knew it was her, right? Tucker would have surely told her brothers.

"You got a girlfriend?!" Mikey asked, clearly surprised.

"Umm, yea, I do," Frank answered, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Gerard asked.

"Who is she?" Ray asked, not even giving him time to answer the last question.

"She doesn't go here," Frank lied.

"Is she cute?" (YN) finally piped up, a wicked smile on her face.

"She's gorgeous," Frank replied emphatically and (YN) grinned even wider.

"Are we gonna meet her sometime?" Gerard asked.

"I dunno, maybe, if she wants."

"What's her name?" Mikey asked.

Frank opened his mouth to answer and (YN) was genuinely curious to see how he was going to respond when the bell rang, signaling that they had five minutes to get to their homerooms.

"I'll tell ya later," Frank replied as they all made their way into the school.

(YN) hung back and Frank slowed down so he could walk with her. "Saved by the bell," she smirked.

"Who knew Tucker was fuckin Sherlock Holmes," he muttered and (YN) laughed.

“What name were you gonna give them?”

“Yours,” he smirked.

“Stop it,” she said, smacking his arm and he laughed.

“I’ll see ya in algebra,” he said before heading down the hall. (YN) watched him go and sighed. One day they’d all know she was the girl at Frank’s house. One day she’d be able to kiss him before they parted ways. One day couldn’t come soon enough.

~

A few weeks passed, and (YN) was still living for the thrill of being with Frank. There were small moments like (YN) coming out to the garage to watch the band, or rather Frank, practice, to them spending more time doing homework together, to Frank taking her hand as they sat next to each other during the weekly movie night, even though her brothers were right there. Then there were the more exciting moments, like when she found Frank between the shelves, deep in the library.

“Hey,” she whispered, making him jump.

“Shit, oh hey (YN)," he grinned. "What are you doing here?”

“I'm in study hall, but I came to get some books for my research project for history. I saw Mikey up front and he said your English class was in here so," she shrugged, leaning against the shelf.

"You thought you'd come find me in the stacks?" He smirked.

"I thought I'd come find my books for my research project. Come on Frank, what did you think was gonna happen?" She replied with a smirk of her own.

Frank glanced over his shoulder, before grabbing her waist and kissing her hard. (YN)'s mind began to spin, partially because of how amazing the kiss was, but also because her brother was also in the library. Hell, anyone could wander over and find them making out. It'd take all of a minute for the entire school to find out. And (YN) loved it.

She ran her hands through his hair, as they made out against the historical fiction books until they heard footsteps and they pulled apart and both turned their attention to the books. Whoever it was, kept walking, not even slowing down to do more than glance their way.

“Close one,” Frank whispered.

“Mmhmm,” she agreed, stealing a look out of the corner of her eye.

“Kinda awesome.”

“Oh yea,” she giggled.

That afternoon at lunch, (YN) was at her usual spot with the guys, minus Mikey. Ray and Gerard had been practically bouncing out of their seats, clearly having news to share.

“Where is Mikey?” Ray asked, looking around anxiously.

“I dunno, but I’ll fill him in later,” Gerard said. “Let’s just tell ‘em!”

“There’s a battle of the bands coming up and we’re signed up!” Ray announced.

Frank, Bob, and (YN) all exchanged a look of surprise.

“Wait, when is it?” Frank asked.

“Next month!” Gerard grinned.

Bob put his head in his hands. “We have so much more practicing to do.”

“I think we got a real shot!” Ray explained. “And when we win, we get prize money and  real studio time to record an album!”

“We’ll be taking off in no time!” Gerard nodded.

“Can I help?” (YN) asked. 

Before anyone could answer, Mikey walked into the cafeteria with a cute blonde girl. 

"See ya there Mikey," the blonde waved before going off to join her friends and Mikey had a smug smile on his face.

"About time!" Ray said.

“What was all that about?” Gerard asked.

"Me and Kristin are going to the fall formal together."

“Oh nice,” Gerard replied.

(YN) almost choked on her sandwich. "Wait, what?! That's not fair! I wanted to go to fall formal!"

"Who's stopping you?" Mikey replied.

"You and Gee! When you two, the least intimidating nerds at this school, somehow convinced the entire male population to stay away from me!"

She could feel people were starting to look at her as her voice raised with every word but she didn't care. She was angry and sick of how she'd been treated.

"Just go with Christine and Marie," she heard Gerard say, and she began to see red.

"I don’t want to because they have dates and I don't want to be a third wheel!" She snapped. "The double standards in this family are such BULLSHIT!"

"Miss Way!" Mrs. Simon barked. “The office, now!”

(YN) felt her cheeks burning red and her shoulders slumped in defeat as almost everyone in the cafeteria started laughing at her while she was marched down to the office by the teacher. She sighed in frustration at yet another way her brothers were ruining everything for her.

~

A few hours later the school day was over and (YN) reported to detention.

"Is this your first time in detention?" The teacher, Mr. Rodriguez, asked as she slid into the desk and she nodded. "Ok. The rules are there is no talking, you may do your homework, read, or sit silently."

(YN) wondered who she would even talk to since the room was empty. She pulled a folder out of her backpack and was about to get started on her homework when someone else walked into the room.

"Mr. Iero, please take a seat, you know the rules," she heard the teacher say. She looked up to see Frank coming to sit down at the desk next to hers.

"Hey," he whispered.

She grinned and then turned her attention back to her homework. They both worked silently until the teacher announced he would be right back.

"He's gonna be gone at least 10 minutes," Frank said once the door was closed.

"How do you know?"

"He's taking a smoke break."

"Oh, right. Well what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't let my girl go through her first detention alone," he smiled.

(YN) covered her face, partially because she was blushing, and partially because she was embarrassed to be in detention in the first place. "What did you do to be here anyway?"

"I threw a ball at Mikey's head during gym."

(YN) could hardly stifle her laughter. "Oh my god, were you playing dodgeball?"

"No, soccer."

(YN) burst out laughing, thankful Mr. Rodriguez was not in the room. "Thanks for that."

"He deserved it," Frank nodded.

"I agree,” she grinned.

When they walked out of the school almost an hour later, (YN)'s mom was sitting in her car waiting to pick her up. "Ugh, I can't wait to get grounded."

"Maybe it won't be that bad?" Frank said sympathetically as they walked down the steps.

"Hello Frankie, did you wait for (YN)?" Her mom called out the open car window.

"No, I had detention too," he shrugged.

"Oh," her mom seemed taken aback. "Well would you like a ride home?"

"Please," (YN) whispered, hoping to delay the trouble she was certain to get into.

"Sure, thanks!" He nodded, getting in the backseat.

"That Mrs. Simon said this wasn't your first outburst this year, (YN)," her mom said as they started to head home.

"Yea, I know."

"That's not like you," her mom replied, more concerned than angry.

"I know," she muttered, head against the window.

"No one asked me, but I think Gerard and Mikey should back off," Frank piped up from the backseat.

"What do you mean Frankie?"

"Don't worry about it," (YN) mumbled.

"They're too protective of her. I know she's a girl, and the youngest, even if it's just by a few minutes, but they don't need to treat her like every single guy is a predator," he explained.

"Did something happen?" Her mom asked, now very concerned.

"No, some guy in Gee’s class was talking to me at that pool party this summer and Gee freaked out. It doesn't matter, the social damage is done. I don't even care anymore."

"Do you want me to talk to them?"

"No, I don't wanna make it worse. Just let me handle it," (YN) answered.

The rest of the drive was silent until they arrived at Frank's house. "See you tomorrow," he said, reaching forward to rub (YN)'s arm sympathetically before getting out.

"He's a good boy," her mom said as they started back toward their house and (YN) hummed in quiet agreement. "And that necklace he bought you for your birthday is lovely."

(YN) didn't even realize she was playing with it until her mom drew her attention to it. "Yea," she agreed.

"If you ask me, I think he likes you, I've always thought that."

(YN) blushed. "Don't tell anyone, but I know he does."

"Because you like him too?" Her mom asked. (YN) nodded as they pulled into the driveway. "I'll keep it our little secret."

"So am I in trouble for getting detention?"

Her mom laughed lightly. "No, but don't let it happen again. If you want to yell at your brothers, wait until you're home."

"Will do," she nodded, a relieved smile crossing her face.

(YN) didn’t say anything to either of her brothers that night at dinner, eating quickly before running back up to her room. It still wasn’t fair that she got in trouble, or that Mikey could date whoever he wanted to and she couldn’t. She curled up in bed with her sketch book, and tried to let her frustrations come out through her pencil.

"Hey," she heard Mikey say from her doorway after a while.

"Go away," she muttered, not even looking up until something landed at the foot of the bed. It was her favorite candy bar.

"Sorry for being an ass," he said.

"Whatever," she said, grabbing the candy, but still not even looking his way.

"Did you hear what Frank did?"

"Gave you what you deserve," she replied.

"I guess you could say that, but we’re just looking out for you."

She glared at him. "I'm not that fragile Mikey! I can handle myself, now go away!"

“Sorry,” he muttered as he retreated back to his room next door.

(YN) got up and slammed her door and settled back onto her bed when there was another knock. 

“Oh my god, leave me alone!” (YN) shouted, but the door opened anyway.

“Can we talk?” Gerard asked, peaking in.

“No! Go away!” She said getting up to push the door shut, but Gerard was stronger than her.

“I’m sorry! I was thinking about how you said you wanna help with the band, and I was wondering if you’d design our logo for us, and maybe like some shirts or something?”

(YN) stopped pushing on the door. “Wait, really?”

“Yea, like when we win this thing, we’re gonna need some merch to sell to help get our name out there, and posters for gigs, stuff like that,” Gerard shrugged.

“Yea, I guess I could try,” she nodded.

“And I know Mikey tried to apologize, but didn’t do a good job of it. We just didn’t want a guy like Adam to get a chance to do anything, because then people would start talking and-”

“Hang on,” (YN) cut him off. “This isn’t the Regency era, I don’t need my older brothers telling me who I can and cannot spend time with, out of fear that I’ll disgrace the family!”

“That’s not it! I just… I just feel like it’s my duty to protect you. You and Mikey both, but it’s different with you because you’re a girl and I’ve seen the way the guys look at you and I can imagine what they’re thinking and it’s gross and it makes me mad.”

(YN) sighed. "I just wish that if you felt like making a decision in my best interest, you’d actually ask me what I want first."

"Sorry," Gerard mumbled.

"Doesn't do much good now, but whatever," she shrugged.

Gerard stepped back from the door, and she shut it behind him. It didn't really matter, she had Frank, but it was the principle of the matter that still left her steaming.

Part 4

[ilooklikeaburntchickenugget]

Drunk Mistakes

A/N: I got this idea pretty randomly as well. Definitely more mature situations and what not here. Pairing: Gerard x F!Stripper!Reader Word count: 2,014 words. Warnings: Mature/adult themes through the text, no smut or explicit content though.

Being a stripper was a difficult job.

It wasn’t your career by any means, just a side hustle to make some extra cash. When you were on your own for the first time and fresh out of college, barely living paycheck to paycheck, you decided it was time to reconsider getting a side job. And somehow, a stripper worked out.

You really didn’t mind it at all. Despite the sore muscles, you would occasionally get, or the one or two blisters during your time, it was a pretty consistent job. The pay was great, you could come home easily making upwards of a few hundred bucks a night. And you strictly worked only two to three days a week, too busy for anything else.

The only negative to being a stripper was finding a partner. Most men believed and feel for the stigma that you were not loyal, going home with clients, or just didn’t respect what you did for some of your time.

But you were shocked when you found a nice, nonjudgmental guy through a mutual friend. Gerard was incredibly nice, to begin with, but after just a few weeks of seeing each other and getting a little more serious, you finally had the dreaded conversation.

You couldn’t help but cringe when you awaited his response. You could see his eyes grow wide, his mouth opening a bit, clearly unsure of how to respond. “Oh, okay.” He finally said.

“O-okay?” You asked, somewhat confused as to whether or not that was good or bad.

“I mean, you do you, right? It’s not like it’s gonna affect us, right?” He questioned.

“No, I-” You took a moment of silence, “If we’re gonna continue this, I hope you realize private sessions and stuff are going off the table for me. No personal time or anything with clients.” He nodded.

“You don’t have to do that for me.” He stated.

“If we’re going to be something, then I probably should.” You lightly smiled, “It would just make me feel better.” He nodded again.

“To be honest it would make me feel better too,” He lightly laughed, “I just didn’t want to force you into anything you didn’t want to do.” You couldn’t help but just lean in and kiss him, thanking him silently for saying anything of the sort to you.

And your relationship almost became stronger as Gerard realized how much you had trusted him after he admitted he had no problem with it, and you had fallen head over heels for him. He was perfect in every way, and despite the fact you had seen many men, not one could ever compare to your boyfriend.

And you made sure to always remind him of that. You would cook for him, buy him the things he wanted most but was always unsure about, and a lot of intimate time.

You couldn’t count how many times you would get home at 4 am, take a shower rinsing off the smell of the club, and climb into bed with Gerard who would instinctively wrap an arm around you as you cuddled right into him for comfort, immediately feeling a smile spread on your face as you got the warm and fuzzy feeling of being safe with him.

You remember the first time he ever asked to see you perform. At the club. You would have been more than willing to do one for him at home for free that definitely would have led to explicit activities that were forbidden at the club, but him being there, you weren’t sure.

Obviously stripping wasn’t necessarily your endgame. You weren’t ashamed to do it, but you also weren’t sure how he would feel. I mean, sure, he wanted to see you, he was the one who asked but it almost felt embarrassing to be almost completely naked in front of your boyfriend and dozens of other guys. “Babe, I’m not sure.” You admitted barely above a whisper. It was funny, you had seen him perform tons of times, but you were too afraid to do it in front of him.

“You know I won’t judge.” He kindly smiled as you straddled his waist, his hands locking on your hips for support, “If you don’t feel comfortable, it’s alright. But I would at least like to see you.”

“I could give you a completely free show now.” You told him, smiling back and hiding your face in the crook of his neck, “And you would actually be able to touch me.”

“I’m not protesting.” He admitted. You smiled, getting up to grab your shoes, “Wait, for real?” He looked at you as if actually making sure that this was going to happen.

“Yes, of course.” You smiled, looking back at him from where you stood in the doorway, him on the couch.

“I don’t have cash-”

“Gee, please,” You lightly laughed, “Now you just sit back and give me a few minutes. I’ll be right back.”

You had a few nights like that that followed. Whenever he brought up going to your club you would always grow weary, really nervous for what it would actually be like. But here, it was completely free with no rules.

You also knew clubs were not Gerard’s venue of choice. Nothing of the sort, actually. And you didn’t want to make him feel obligated to come in and be extremely uncomfortable all because you worked there two to three nights a week.

You had an agreement, he wouldn’t come in until both of you felt comfortable. Clubs were not his scene, and the only reason you really worked there was to make extra cash. But it was still fun, being able to come home and count your earnings.

Sometimes depending on the night Gerard was there too and would assist in the counting process after you washed all your money, which was always fun. You would dump out one of your designer bags filled with cash into the machine, and once it was done the two of you would sit in the living room just counting. And you would always give Gerard a bit, despite the fact he protested, for his help in individually counting a bunch of ones.

That was another positive aspect of your relationship with him, you had to completely separate accounts when it came to money. You never took any of his and he never took any of yours. However you always found it so cute when you would go and get your nails done every few weeks, and sometimes he would force his card upon you and tell you he was paying.

But this one night in specific, you felt you broke it all.

Every night you always had a shot before you went on. It was something to at least help you not be as serious, and by the time you needed to go home, you were always sober. You could definitely do more safely, but you typically didn’t. However tonight it was incredibly busy, girls fighting over who was going to please what man. None of that mattered to you, you would switch every few stages, go up there do your routine, and not touch a man.

After three shots you were finally ready, your body relaxing and ready to go. Everything was moving smoothly, your cash flow was going up every minute just by the pure larger number of people. You could feel yourself begin to lose some of the grip on your complete mind. You could still think, just not 100%. And therefore not logically.

That’s how you ended up in a private room, on another man’s lap. You weren’t too aware of what was happening, other than he had offered a few grand for you and you took it. But back in the locker room as you finished up your shift, got out of your costume and makeup, everything hit you. Reality hit you like a train, the alcohol seemed to escape from your system immediately. You had broken your main promise to your boyfriend.

You managed to get home despite the alcohol wearing off and the panic attack you were currently having. You knew you had to tell Gerard everything, despite the fact a small part of you wanted to push it under the rug and pretend like it never happened, but that would break a bond in the trust of your relationship, which you didn’t want to further after all that went down tonight.

You walked through your apartment door, your Gerard waiting in the living room while watching a movie. “Hey, babe.” He smiled, getting up, his bright and beautiful face always made your heart skip a beat. But this time, you broke completely down in tears. “Babe?” He rushed over, taking a look at you before wrapping his arms around you, soft sobs being disrupted by the clashing of your acrylics as you too grabbed onto him. “What’s wrong?”

You dove in headfirst, after he led you to the couch you spilled everything. How you had drunk too much, made the decision to have a private with another man, and even how much you made after he asked. Tears were streaming down your cheeks, your entire face bright red with anger at yourself and from the salty tears on your skin. Sobs erupted from your throat, Gerard surprisingly remaining calm during the whole thing.

“Baby,” He said with a light voice, “Why don’t you go take a shower, okay?”

“Gee,” You chocked on your words, “Please, I’m sorry-”

“I know, I know,” He responded with a sigh, “But you’re also incredibly emotional, and before we have a serious conversation I want you to be relaxed, okay?” With reluctance you got up and nodded, not wanting to fight anymore considering you had already done enough damage in a few hours.

The shower did help, which Gerard knew, hence why he sent you to. And also because you always showered when you got home, but now it was needed more than ever. You were now more worried about how Gerard would act. He had every right to break up with you after you betrayed his trust. But you had no clue what you would do if that actually happened.

Once in bed next to your lover, both of you sitting up in a more stiff position, he finally spoke on the matter, “I’m not mad.” He simply said, “Or upset.” You gave a puzzled look, your mind wondering what was going on. He was supposed to be mad and upset, right? “This is how you bring in extra cash, you were drunk, and you didn’t have to quit all private sessions for me in the first place but you did. It was a mistake. And even if I was upset, there would be no need for me to be considering I can tell you’re already upset with yourself.”

“So you’re not gonna break up with me?” You stared at him in disbelief. He shook his head and chuckled.

“Not in my dreams, no.” He admitted, “I couldn’t live without you if I tried.”

“Okay good,” You let out a breath of relief, “Because I think I would have a full crisis and breakdown if you did.”

“Just, please, don’t beat yourself up about this for weeks.” He gave you a serious look, “You’re going to stress yourself out and it’s just not going to be good.”

“I’ll try not to Gee but-”

“No buts.” He interrupted you, going into his wallet on his bedside table, “Go get your nails done tomorrow, then we’ll go to the book store okay? Or record shopping, I don’t care.” He handed you his card.

“Gee I can pay for myself-”

“Just take the damn card, Y/N.” You gave in, taking his card and putting it on your bedside table for tomorrow.

“When my face isn’t red and swollen I’ll give you the lap dance of your life,” You looked at him, “I promise.”

He gave a smile and a chuckle, “Fine by me, I’m not protesting.”

[nitewrighter]

I just finished reading the pre-fall Gency argument fic that you made in response to an ask/prompt about another fic, and it’s amazing! Do Genji and Mercy make up after their argument, though? Does Genji tell Mercy more about what really happened with Moira in the Pining/Flight fic, and does he manage to explain to her why he felt he should still be stopping the Shimada clan (the part where he started to trip over his words during the pre-fall argument)? I’m so sorry for all the questions, but I loved this fic so much and would love to see them resolve their argument!

Yeah they make up, but more importantly have you ever gone, “OH FUCK I FIGURED OUT HOW TO WORK THIS FIC INTO A MAJOR CANON PLOT POINT?” Anyone?

Continuing off of this ficlet.

----

Genji lay on his narrow bed, staring at the too-high ceiling of his quarters and replaying the argument between himself and Mercy in his head as he had done so for the past few days.

I messed up.

A part of him felt like he should be used to it, after years of Hanzo telling him he was an embarrassment, but this stung differently and deeper. It wasn’t not meeting the draconian standards of the clan, it was realizing he had a perspective on death that was fundamentally incompatible with the morals of someone he cared for deeply. He glared at the ceiling as he remembered Moira’s words.

You’re finally understanding the difference between those up there, and those of us down here.

But McCree had spoken up against what Reyes had done. He wouldn’t shut up about it the whole mission. 

Well he and Angela were close so... Genji’s thoughts trailed off then, wondering if Ziegler and McCree would talk about how he and Reyes were monsters.

Even after having his body destroyed and reconstructed to this patchwork of flesh and metal, it had at least given him focus and purpose: vengeance. It was a relief from all the pain to commit himself to the destruction of the Shimada clan, to killing Hanzo, and he could have done that through Blackwatch, but now one death of someone who definitely had it coming had blocked the path. He had no way of knowing what was ahead, and he had just alienated one of the few people at the Watchpoint he actually liked talking to. But she didn’t get it, the Shimada clan had to be stopped. Hanzo had to die. What kind of world did she think she was living in? He raised his prosthetic hand and ran the thumb of his organic hand along the lines of its plates.

You’re not a weapon. I can’t let everything Overwatch touches become a weapon...  he remembered her words from the garden on a night that felt so long ago.

So what am I? Shimada Ninja? Blackwatch Agent? Assassin by another name?  Machine? his eyes trailed to his organic hand, Man?

He let his hands drop, hanging over the sides of the bed, I guess I’ve managed to screw up as every single one of those.

His morning alarm started beeping and he sighed. Cybernetics always woke him up a little too early.

After freshening up in the dormitory washrooms and dressing , Genji stepped out of his quarters and walked down the hall to the main body of the Blackwatch facilities. There were fewer bodies moving between the offices today. A significant number of office workers and agents had been either suspended or relocated to other Overwatch operations, and the remaining faces looked exhausted and grim.

It’s not just Angela dealing with the fallout of Venice... thought Genji as he walked through. He needed to talk to McCree, he decided. He wasn’t quite ready to talk to Angela yet. A part of him knew he needed to apologize, but another part of him knew an apology was worthless without a clear adjustment in behavior and perspective--and with the path before him so obscured now, he wasn’t sure what that shift would entail. Plus if anyone knew how to smooth things over between people, especially someone also from Blackwatch...

Genji’s thoughts were interrupted as he heard muffled shouting from Reyes’s office.  He looked around and saw what few agents were down in the Blackwatch offices had all chosen to give Reyes’s office a massively wide berth. One intern lingered close to the glass with wide eyes before being quickly escorted away by a more seasoned-looking clerk. The glass walls around Reyes’s office had been tinted opaque, but he made out Morrison’s muffled voice.

“---can assure you our agents and local law enforcement are doing everything they can, Gérard--”

“Don’t give me that!” Gérard was the shouter, something that sounded unnatural to Genji given how polite Gérard had always been in his previous brushes with the UN Attaché. “None of this would have happened if you had kept Reyes and his team where they needed to be!”

“We don’t have enough intel on Talon movements to know the timeframe on---”

“We have even less intel because of the shit you pulled in Rialto! Do you know how many active files I had to surrender to the UN Inquiry to keep Blackwatch from being completely gutted?!” Gérard snapped, “Talon took my wife and thanks to you I have to deal with that with both hands tied behind my back!”

“You’re not dealing with it alone--” Morrison was trying to reassure him.

“Morrison I cannot tell you how sick I am of covering for you covering for Reyes--And the fact that covering for Reyes is largely my job speaks to how much control you’ve ceded--” Gérard snarled.

“Chewing us out won’t get her back,” Reyes’s voice cut in bitterly.

“No, but you should both understand it’s one more product of your mistakes,” Gérard’s voice was thick.

Genji hadn’t realized how close he was leaning to the tinted glass of the office and started briskly walking down the hall, trying to put as much distance between himself and whatever was going down between Reyes, Morrison and LaCroix.  He heard the door slide open and shut and picked up the pace of his walk. He heard bitter muttering in French a ways behind him before hearing, “Agent Shimada?”

Genji pretended not to hear and started walking a bit faster down the hall.

“Agent Shimada!” there was a rapid clacking slap of expensive oxfords on the cement floor and Gerard suddenly caught up with him. Fast, was all Genji thought at first, I guess he was a field agent at some point-- But that trail of thought cut off as Genji took in the disheveled appearance of the usually suave and stylish Gérard Lacroix. Licks of dark hair were shrouding one side of his forehead, broken free of their usual glossy black coif. He wasn’t wearing a suit jacket or tie, his sleeves rolled and rumpled up to his elbows and his usually paper-crisp collar rumpled and wilting, his suspenders emphasizing all the wrinkles of his usually immaculate shirts. He smelled like cigarettes. Genji didn’t even know he smoked. 

“I need to talk to you--it’s paramount importance--Your dossier said Talon tried to recruit Sojiro once--Yes?”

“Um... yes?” said Genji.

“Do you remember any names from that time?” Gérard gripped Genji’s shoulders and Genji’s arms tightened at his sides at the touch, Gérard’s eyes were wide, pleading.

“Er...” Genji hesitated.

“Anything. Any name at all. Even aliases are a lead. Code names are a cypher. I can figure this out. We can get her back--we have to--there should have been demands--there have to be demands--we can’t negotiate but we can buy time--isolate the signal--” Gérard’s fingers were drumming on Genji’s prosthetic shoulder as if punching out sums on an invisible calculator. He wasn’t even looking at Genji.

“I... wish I could help,” Genji’s words came slowly to him. They felt strange, soft, helpless. He really couldn’t remember any names from that time, at least none that he could be sure he actually remembered and hadn’t just pulled out of nowhere that would only lead Gérard on a wild goose chase. For Genji, the only really memorable part of that meeting had been Hanzo had taken a shine to some Talon lieutenant and refused to tell Genji about it when he asked.  

So much for specialized Shimada intel... Genji thought a little bitterly. But Gérard stared straight into Genji’s eyes and Genji saw a flicker of heartbreaking realization in Gérard’s expression.

“....listen to me,” Gérard’s voice dropped slightly as his hands dropped from Genji’s shoulders, “I....I’m talking to a suspended agent hoping for nearly decade-old leads...” Gérard made a sound that was between a chuckle and stuffing down a sob as he pushed those dark licks of hair from his face, “I’m a mess without her.”

Genji’s stomach stung a little at the words ‘suspended agent.’ It had felt so temporary but hearing it from Gérard made it sink in as a reality with no visible end, but just as affecting was Gérard’s distress, the fact that the charming, if a little litigious, agent was suddenly up to his neck in paralyzing fear and helplessness when he wasn’t the one in danger. Genji studied Gérard for a few seconds.  

“Without.... who?” said Genji. He knew it was Gérard’s wife but wasn’t about to let Gérard know he had heard the whole exchange between him, Reyes, and Morrison.

“Amélie,” Gérard seemed to be looking through Genji then, his brow crinkled, “Talon they--I mean we’re not positive yet but--well you aren’t cleared for this yet. I shouldn’t...”

“Suspended,” Genji shrugged, “And... looking like this, I can’t exactly get off-site to talk about it.”

Gérard huffed “And... I’ve heard you’re not exactly the talkative type,” Gérard smiled a little.

“Ninja,” Genji shrugged.

“I-I think she’d like you...” His shoulders sagged, “Practical... steady... if she were here she’d probably tell me I’m making a fool of myself.”

You are and I have no idea how to help you so please let me go, thought Genji, but the smile on Gérard’s face eased him a bit. Genji wasn’t sure what to do with this feeling--helping and yet not helping. He remembered certain looks in Mercy’s face when he would talk about the Shimada clan, those hints of wanting to do something but feeling the ability to do so just beyond his reach. How often did she feel that with all of his fury? With all his grief?

“I wish I understood what was going through Reyes’s mind in Rialto...” Gérard spoke and startled Genji from his own thoughts. 

“...Antonio told him his associates would get him out within the week, Reyes... responded... practically,” said Genji.

“Practically,” a huff fell out of Gérard, “Just like in the debriefs.”

Genji’s brow crinkled. “The point of Blackwatch is to operate from the shadows. It was never about how it would be seen because it... wasn’t meant to be seen.”

“But it still has effects,” Gérard murmured, “And you still have to live with yourself afterwards.”

You still have to live with yourself.

The image of Zhihong Peh gurgling on his own blood on the end of Genji’s sword flashed to his mind. The thwack of his father hitting a fish on a rock in Shirakami-sanchi.

Make it clean. Make it quick.

“Would Amélie still have been taken if...?” Gérard’s voice pulled Genji from his memories again, but Gérard just lowered his head and furrowed his brow. “It doesn’t matter now.  have to find a new angle. I have to... she...” he lifted his chin slightly, “Monsieur Shimada. I appreciate you putting up with the ravings of a madman. I must go. Thank you.”

“....you’re welcome?”  said Genji, but Gérard was already walking past him.

Genji stood there in the hallway a few minutes longer. Amélie LaCroix had been taken. Whether or not that had happened in response to killing Antonio remained to be seen... but it was clear that the fallout from Rialto had not helped. He looked at his hands. For so long ‘practical’ had been a straight line, but now it seemed that the path he had been carving out was caving in on him. What was practical now?

Whatever you can do to help.

And where do you start?

With the people who you know always help.

----

It was late at night in the lab and Mercy was nodding off slightly, her chin in her hand at her monitor when a coffee mug gently clacked down on the desk beside her. She flinched awake and her head swung around to see Genji slowly withdrawing one hand, holding his own coffee cup in the other.

“Peace offering,” said Genji, “...if you don’t want to deal with me right now, you don’t have to. Say the word and I’ll leave you alone.”

Mercy tentatively picked up the mug and sipped at it, glaring at Genji slightly through her eyebrows before lowering the cup into her lap.

“What do you want?” she said, her voice clipped. 

“I wanted to say... I’m sorry for storming off like that and...You were right,” Genji said quietly, “Killing Antonio creates far more problems than it solves.”

There was some hope in Mercy’s eyes, but she also gave him a sort of uneasy, puzzled look.

“And...” Genji’s voice was a bit more tight, “On a... lawful and ethical level, it... was wrong.” He dropped his voice to a low mutter, “Even if he would have wormed his way out of the law.”

Mercy huffed and smiled a little. “I... I know the law also needs reforms so that doesn’t happen, so that justice can be done... but in the meantime...”

“In the meantime we shouldn’t shoot people in the face,” Genji conceded with a shrug.

“Right,” said Mercy. Her smile was a little crooked. There was a long silence then, tentative, and a little anxious. Genji leaned against the desk, wrapping his organic hand around the mug, taking some comfort in its warmth.

“Angela—I need you to understand something about me,” Genji said, not looking at her.

“Please don’t—“ Mercy started.

“Just listen. The first time the clan made me kill someone, I was 14 years old,” Mercy’s eyes widened and Genji’s knuckles rolled tight on the coffee mug, “And that wasn’t the only person I killed for them.

Mercy’s shoulders shrank inward, her eyes not meeting his.

“The clan,” Genji paused and took a steadying breath before continuing, “Worked to make me into something… no one should be. It…cultivated a way for me to see the world that very much affected my concepts of what is acceptable. What is good.” He gave a short huff. “But I don’t… I don’t want to be them. I don’t want to cause the same hurts they have caused.”

She looked at him then. That same searching look. That same ‘I want to help but I don’t know how’ look, and Genji’s stomach stung with the strange helplessness he felt when Gérard was gripping his shoulders earlier that day.

“But Blackwatch never asked me to question what the clan taught me. It just… saw I was angry, saw I was hurt, and pointed me in a certain direction,”  he huffed, “And now I’m stuck here. And I can’t do anything. And... ” he took a steadying breath, “I care about you. I care about our friendship. And I care about what you think of me. I don’t know... if I will ever be fully rid of what the Shimada clan cultivated in me... it... it feels like it only got sharper after what Hanzo did to me. It feels rooted in my very survival instincts. But I know I don’t want to be Reyes, and I don’t want to lose you, and... if what Blackwatch did caused all this hurt to all these people who had nothing to do with what happened in Rialto.. it’s true that it should be suspended.”

Mercy blinked a few times. “Do you really mean that?”

“Well... to an extent...” said Genji, “If Blackwatch still had its intel networks up...”

“Maybe we could help Gérard find Amélie,” Mercy said quietly.

“You know about Gérard?” Genji looked over at her.

“I only got the briefing a few hours ago,” said Mercy. She was quiet for a few seconds. “Genji... I... I don’t think you’re a bad person for what the Shimada clan conditioned you to do. You do scare me sometimes, but I genuinely believe, deep down, you want to do good.” 

“I scare you?” Genji lifted his prosthetic hand and looked down at it.

“Not because of that...” Mercy touched the metal of his knuckles and he let his hand drop as his eyes raised to hers, “I--I’m scared for you. I don’t want you to think you’re alone. And--and I want you to be able to have a life outside of Overwatch.” She huffed. “That’s what it does. It takes in people who have nowhere else to go and who just want to help and it takes everything they can give and you never know if it’s being used to help or to...” her voice trailed off and she was staring forward. Genji touched her shoulder gently.

“For what it’s worth... without Overwatch I would have never met you,” said Genji.

“I’m glad I’ve met you too,” said Mercy, smiling a little, “Silver linings right?” 

“Right...” said Genji.

A long pause passed between them. 

“...so where do we go from here?” said Genji, quietly.

“Well... I still have my work... I suppose this means we can spend more time together?” Mercy shrugged, “And... with Blackwatch suspended... maybe you can take some time to figure out what you want. Outside of Overwatch. Outside of taking down the Shimada clan.”

I don’t know how ready I am to deal with that, thought Genji, but he just nodded.

“So...” Genji swirled his coffee in its mug, “What are you working on tonight?”

“Well... apparently there’s been this incident at Watchpoint Pembrey,” said Mercy, glancing back to her monitor, “But it’s very confusing on, well... a physics level?”

“Something is confusing the genius Angela Ziegler?” Genji pulled up a chair, “Tell me more.”

Mercy snickered a little. Then started telling him.

[rmmrq]

Lately I've been thinking about the concept of my gender. I hate labeling, so I try to use labels as little as possible, but lately the fact of my uncertainty feels somehow wrong.

As a teenager, I briefly thought I was trans, but later I realized that it was my brain's attempt to escape from the sexism surrounding me.

About a year ago, I started thinking about it again. But this time I realized one very important truth: I really don't know how to identify myself.

The thing is, I can't imagine myself. I thought it was something like aphantasia for a while, but it's not - I can imagine other people, their faces, their bodies. I can't imagine just myself. I also really don't care what pronouns are used in relation to me. I have always preferred to be judged primarily by my achievements rather than by my sex and gender.

I don't feel like a guy. I also don't feel like a girl. I am a minimalist and have always chosen the most gender-neutral monochrome clothes. It felt right and I was comfortable in it. However, I would not say that I want to be androgynous - this concept seems to scream that I want to distance myself from male or female. This is not so - I would describe it as "if I could be a disembodied spirit, a ghost or an alien of a race that has no concept of gender - I would feel much more comfortable in this image than I do now."

By the way, sometimes I wear very masculine or very feminine clothes - however, every time I do it, I perceive it as a stage image, rather than as an attempt to emphasize my gender.

Perhaps I would call myself non-binary? I really don't know.

P.S. I think, this is the reason why all my social networks are filled with a minimal amount of data about me - I just don't see the point in them. I am nothing more than my texts, my posts, my achievements and my thoughts.

P.P.S. I should add that I was inspired to write this post by what I learned about Gerard Way using neutral pronouns. My Chemical Romance is my very first band and I love them dearly to this day.

[bitters-enthusiast]

birthday fic but belated

@timmys-and-scribbles i love you and i am sorry in advance if this is long and cheesy but

1. that’s julian and

2. that’s just showbiz babey

happy belated birthday bestie i hope you enjoy

“No, you don’t understand! Please, I’ll-- I’ll beg on my knees if I have to!”

Julian could be seen, and probably heard, from a block away pleading a poor man operating a gondola on the canal, and it didn’t look much like the man was giving in to him either. 

The man shook his head, planting his hands on his hips. “You-- you don’t have to get on your knees. But I still can’t do it, I’m sorry. It’s too short notice.”

The sob that came from the redhead next was anything but subtle, and he shoved his face in his hands. “Please. Please, sir, everyone else has cancelled on me. Don’t you want to be the minority?? Wouldn’t that be a more interesting story for you?? Please, I’ll pay double, I just need this ride tonight. It doesn’t have to be all night, even just an hour if I could--”

The gondola rower rolled his eyes. The dramatics were a bit much, but Julian had good selling points. “Fine! Fine, if it means you’ll leave me alone and I can get back to work, I’ll do it for double.” 

Julian almost screamed in excitement, and grabbed the man by his shoulders. He gave him a little shake, beaming a smile from ear to ear. “Thank you! Thank you, you’ve saved me. Thank you. I’ll see you in a few hours!”

--

After having shaken this man nearly to death, Julian decided it was time to start grocery shopping. If he was going to plan the perfect dinner for his perfect partner in crime, he wanted to have the perfect ingredients. After all, a pirate couldn’t ask someone to court him if he didn’t at least offer food and drink. . . right? 

He didn’t want to stress about it. This day was already a long time coming, but every time he thought he’d worked up the courage, he found it all lost again when Julianne teased him, or plotted with him another sneaky escapade. This woman definitely, without realizing, always kept him on his toes. And he wanted to return the favor, at least for tonight. Besides, a fun date never hurt anybody, even if he didn’t wind up asking her to be his girlfriend. 

The doctor spent about an hour or so shopping around for a dinner worth remembering. It took some time thinking of recipes he knew from the top of his head, but he settled on something fond from his childhood. Something Mazelinka almost always made, and almost everyone always liked it: soup. You couldn’t go wrong with a perfect soup dish paired with bread. Plus, looking for fresh ingredients and bartering with the merchants kept his mind off of the pent up anxiety he was feeling about everything. At least a dinner he was making by himself couldn’t be cancelled last minute. 

He’d finally settled on everything he needed, and was beginning to head back to the ship. He was carelessly swinging his bags back and forth, whistling a merry little tune to keep him in high spirits. 

The high spirits lasted all of five minutes to keep his mind off his worries.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Julianne, speaking to a familiar baker about eating some lunch. She was ordering some food when she caught him out of the corner of her eye, and excitedly called him over. 

Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no.

She wouldn’t notice the bags, right? Of course she’d notice the bags. But he could just pass it off as stuff for the crew! Or maybe he could just pretend as if he didn’t see her--

Of course he couldn’t do that. 

Awkwardly, he put his arms behind his back, the bags hanging over them. He gave a strange smile and headed toward Juli, giving a head nod of acknowledgement. 

“Heyyyyyyyy... how are, uh-- whatcha up to?”

The woman raised a brow, a smile on her lips as she had just finished joking with the baker. “I’m........ ordering food. Why are you being weird?”

Uh oh.

Julian gave a dismissive ‘psh”, his face turning into an expression of confusion. “I’m not being weird. You’re weird for asking that, Juli. Anyway, what’s on the menu? What’s, uh, what’s for lunch?”

Julianne immediately knew something was up, but she wouldn’t press him about it until later. For now, she’d give him a bit of a hard time about it to see if he’d spill. “Food. Looks like,” she leaned over a bit, just a small part of his groceries in view, “you also have food on the menu.”

He leaned the opposite way, trying to make the bags less noticeable from her angle. “Oh. Oh! These, right. Yeah, Cap sent me out for errands today. You know those men, uh, always hungry! Yeah, can’t go forever without snacking, even if there’s only four of them on ship!”

A small laugh came from Juli. Yeah, she’d have to find out later. “Right. Well, I have to go eat before I go back to my own errands. Would you like to join?”

Why’d she have to be so sweet?? It made him all the more nervous, and he wasn’t being a very convincing actor at the moment. “Oh, I wish I could, darling! But Cap has been on my ass this morning about staying on task! We all know how, um, fleeting time is! I’ve gotta go, don’t worry about me, I’ll see you later on board, right?”

Her eyebrow still raised, she adjusted her own bag and nodded. “Ri--”

“Okay! Perfect! Amazing, and even perfect, you could say. Oh. Wait, I said perfect twice. Anyway, farewell! See you tonight.”

Juli watched as Julian walked away backward, still trying to hide his groceries. As he finally got further away, he tried turning away quickly to take off running, but accidentally bumped into a busy woman passing by. He apologized promptly and profusely, making sure she was at least okay before taking off again. 

Yeah, he was up to something.

--

It finally had gotten darker outside, the sun setting as Julian strode back toward the boat. After a few hours, he had prepared dinner, finalized the gondola plans, and had even set up an nice surprise afterward to make sure everything was picture perfect. As if he hadn’t used the word ‘perfect’ to describe what he was going for all day. With his hands in his pockets, he’d finally settled down on his way back toward the ship, fairly confident in how the night would go.. at least for now. 

As he got closer to his familiar home of sorts, excited to meet Julianne and to get the night started after all this planning he’d done, Julian stops aboard the ramp of the ship, watching as Juli was mid-conversation with his crewmate and co-captain, Gerard.

Damn it. Here we go.

Forcing a smile, he stepped closer to hear their conversation.

A hearty laugh came from the crewmate, one that sounded incredibly devious to Julian’s desperate ears. “He really lied to your face like that, Miss Juli? Ah, you know I’d never treat you that way~”

Shut up. Shut up, Gerry. Not tonight.

Julianne would have been seen to smirk, rolling her eyes. “It’s not that he lied maliciously. I’ll still get him back for lying. But I know he’s doing something behind my back. I’m just confused as to what it is.”

Gerard leaned back against the rail of the ship, giving a nonchalant shrug. “Still. You know, it’s taken him far too long to commit to you. Maybe it’s time you give the ol’ captain a try. I,” a puff of his chest, and he placed his hand upon his heart, “wouldn’t have made you wait this long for me to meet up after lying to you, maiden.”

It was taking everything in Julian to not barge into their conversation immediately. The confidence he’d built on the way back was slowly diminishing, but he’d wait a few more seconds to see where this conversation went. 

“Co-captain, Gerard.” Julianne shook her head in amusement, also taking a seat on a nearby barrel. Might as well make herself comfortable as she waited. “How would Zora feel if she heard you giving yourself all the credit?”

“Hopefully very, very awfully.” Gerard chuckled as he ran his fingers through his hair. “But my point remains. See how he still isn’t here? That just proves my--”

If Julian wasn’t known for dramatic entrances, then the sky wasn’t known to be blue. As if on cue, interrupting Gerard as he tried to make his “point” was easy as pie for Julian, and he climbed aboard with the biggest, most confident grin he could muster to save face. “Julianne, my love!” He greeted as if she were the biggest and most important guest he could ever serve, stepping between the two to swoop her into a hug. “I’m terribly sorry it took me so long to get back! I got caught in a scuffle between two men arguing, and you know I can’t resist a good fight.” The last lines were said between almost-gritted teeth, and Julianne pulled away from his hug reluctantly.

Like her expression was before at the marketplace, she had her eyebrow raised in suspicion. “Is that so? They didn’t happen to also be the ones to eat your snacks, were they?”

Gerard chuckled from behind, making himself comfortable both physically and in conversation. “I’d say Ilyushka has a bit of a hole to dig himself out of here, hmm?”

Begrudgingly, Julian turned to look at Gerard with the same forced smile. 

“Don’t you have a hole to dig yourself into, co-captain? Go find some buried treasure.”

A laugh from the man, as well as a clever reply, “Ah, but why would I go search for one when there’s one perfectly right before my eyes?” He flashed a smile in Julianne’s direction, and then gave an innocent, seemingly curious head tilt to Julian. “Oh, unless you couldn’t see that for yourself. It seems that eyepatch gets in the way of you looking past yourself and seeing what’s in front of you.”

The smirk began to fall from the redhead’s face, and he tried not to ball up a fist onto his friend right about now. In the end, he knew Gerry was teasing, but it didn’t make the blow less hard on his ego.

Julianne wasn’t naive to the tension; she started to make off-topic conversation. “I think Gerard is talking about the wine that Zora brought back after making a deal with the bartender down the street. Something about bringing back some of that Salty Bitters stuff from Vesuvia that you like so much. He wanted to advertise something new.”  

“Right. The wine is the treasure I was talking about.” A final chuckle from Gerard and he stood, clapping a hand against Julian’s shoulder. “Save me some dessert, Ilya. You know where my room is. Send her my way.”

“Bye, Gerry. Have a good night.” Julian pulled away slightly, looking his friend up and down.

Gerard gave a hum of triumph, and pulled his hand away. On his way toward the steps downstairs, he gave a final “You know I will.” in reply.

Once he was finally out of view, Julian deemed it safe to turn back to Juli for conversation. “I am.... so, so sorry, Juli. I know you’ve been waiting for a while.”

“I know you heard the conversation with Gerard.” She replied, placing her hands upon his shoulders. “I’ve been here for a whole of ten minutes. You know how he is. Dramatic.”

He gave a soft scoff in return, rolling his eyes. “More than I am sometimes.”

With a laugh, Julianne pulled her hands away, but not before giving him a gentle pat to the face. “Not quite.” Getting up from the seat she’d made herself, she patted down the dirt that’d gotten on her dress from doing so. “Anyway, are you finally done acting weird, or are you going to keep me on my toes.”

“Well.......” Julian gave a shrug, “Hopefully the latter. But not in a bad way, I swear. I do.”

The woman only gave him a pointed glare in response. In defense, he gently took hold of her hand, and began to lead her off the ship.

“Here. Just follow me.”

--

The doctor had finally gotten Juli all to himself. After all the shenanigans of the day, he could finally wind down and listen to her talk about her day. Her errands, odd customers, the odds and ends of magic that he enjoyed listening to her go on and on about. It was what gave him some sense of normalcy among the absurdity that he endured on the regular. The gondola ride had gone smoothly, and he had definitely given the rower far more than he was worth. If not just for the theatrics and the experience, he hoped that Juli enjoyed it. Maybe she’d grown suspicious of him throughout the day, but he wanted to make it up to her.

They talked about a woman who’d called Julianne in to help cleanse her home, not knowing the “cleanse” wasn’t anything spiritual -- it was because the woman had attempted far too many cleaning spells and caused an overgrowth in weeds in her garden and magic cobwebs in her corners. Julianne had to explain that “cleansing” a house didn’t actually mean to clean it.

How cute. How cute, how cute. 

An hour or so had gone by, and after their ride, they both thanked the rower tremendously. They’d even gotten a complimentary bottle of wine and a basket of fruit -- or maybe the rower was being kind since Julian had paid him so handsomely. 

Then, he took Julianne back toward the shore. 

He had taken hold of her hand and not let go, leading her down the beach close to the docks their ship had stopped on. He was sure she probably thought something odd was going to happen by the end of the night, but he wanted to make sure she enjoyed her time nonetheless. 

As they walked, he made soft conversation.

“You know, the ocean is a view I could never get sick of. It’s so beautiful. And when the moonlight hits it just right--” he gave a chef’s kiss of sorts with his free hand.

“I guess that’s a good thing, considering you’re on a ship the majority of your time.” Juli teased, giving him a gentle nudge. “But I think so too. It’s very captivating. Calming, even.”

“Like you, hmm?” Turning his gaze from the ocean to Juli, he gave a wink. 

With a fond roll of her eyes, she laughed a little. “You’re still being weird.”

“What? No. This is just regular ol’ Ilya.”

“Yeah. Weird.”

He grinned in turn, a grin full of absolute adoration. It was getting easier to rebuild that confidence from earlier. 

They continued their playful banter, all the way up until hey reached a hidden little cove, a tucked away cave of sorts, with a light shining from within. They were far away enough now that the lamps in town seemed like blur now, and Julian preferred it that way for what he had been planning. 

Julianne stopped, looking up at her partner with a confused expression. “What’s this?”

He let go of her hand, make sure he didn’t seem as if he were coming off maliciously. They had met, after all, under the guise that he was a murderer on the run. Julian offered one of his grins, the sweet kind, the kind that made you want to follow him into the unknown on an adventure you wouldn’t want to return from. 

“Just dinner. You trust me, right? You don’t still think I’m a weirdo?”

“Well. I definitely do.” 

A laugh came from Julian, and he just shook his head. He continued forward into the cave, giving her a nod to follow. 

She did, and as they entered, a small table Julian had stolen off the ship was sitting in the middle of the cave, lit candles surrounding it in the sand below to keep light inside. On the table sat dinner: two bowls covered to stay warm, bread on either side of them, a great big glass of wine in the center of the table, and two glasses for one each. 

With a great big swoop of his arm, he gestured toward the set up with a smile.

“Well, here’s the thing I was acting strange about. I just wanted... to set up something nice for the both of us.”

After her jaw had dropped at the initial shock, Juli turned to the man with a growing smile, and she genuinely looked impressed. “I’m surprised you could keep a secret this long.” Although she teased, she found his dinner setup rather charming. Nothing short of the extravagance he made for himself since the day she met him. 

He continued forward once more, pulling one of the chairs out for her to sit. Once she was seated, he also took a seat, and began to pour them each a glass of wine to drink. 

“Also, I stole this wine. This is the one Zora brought back, and Gerard is probably looking for now. Serves him right trying to steal my thunder.”

The woman laughs, reaching for her glass once it’s filled. “They’re going to kill you.”

He shrugged yet again, his signature smirk puling at his lips. “Worth it, if not just for the thrill of the escape.”

As Julian reached to uncover the bowls, a warm, earthy and flavorful aroma takes over the cave, and he explains his escapade to gather ingredients. Making the food proved to be a pain, having to bribe the ship’s cook to let him take over the kitchen to prepare their food, and to help him set everything up while he was out on the gondola ride with Julianne. He talked about how he now owed the cook kitchen duty for a week, and had to scrub the inside of the old hearth to make up for it. But it was worth it for him, to see how much she enjoyed his childhood favorite food. All the more memories to create, even if it was just soup.

Throughout dinner, it seemed as though Julian had about finished off the bottle of wine by himself. He was getting a little tipsy, and a bit more nervous toward the end of them eating. If only he had more liquid courage to help him out.

Julianne noticed how awkward he’d begun to get as dinner went on. When they finally cleared their bowls, he started going on about the importance of the correct shoes in acting. Something was up. 

She reached for his hands, which were getting ready to pour the last few drops of alcohol into his glass.

“Ilya, tell me what’s the matter.” Her voice was soft compared to his big, velvety tone. He couldn’t help himself, not in this state of mind.

“I- no, nothing’s the matter! I’m just saying, how can you frolic about in a tunic and boots? Sure they look great for the aesthetic and for the costume, but you need the smaller and more rounded shoes to move around the stage more fleetly.”

“You’re talking about shoes, Julian, after we just had a nice dinner in a fancy set up in a remote cave.” She laughed a little at the situation, and gave his hands a little squeeze. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

She was right. And he knew that she was. He hadn’t spent all day preparing for this moment to talk about how quick your movements need to be on stage. He had put all of this off long enough. Hell, for months. He was surprised she’d even stuck around that long, unless she thought this was all totally platonic. 

“Yeah. Yes. Yes, there-- there is something I have on my mind.” He let out a slow sigh, mentally preparing himself for his little speech. He knew that she would listen to every word, even if he slurred and stuttered his way through it. Her touch gave him a bit of sobering up, and in turn, he moved his hands to grab hers instead, leaning in closer to her presence.

“I.. hm. I’ve known you for quite a while now. And, for some reason, it feels like I’ve known you far longer than the several months we’ve been adventuring together. I don’t even know if that’s what you’d call it-- never mind. Regardless, darling, it feels like I’ve known you longer than a lifetime. Like I’ve known you since a life too distant to remember. And you... Julianne, you just seem so familiar. You met me thinking that I was a murderer. A fugitive. And even then, even after you thought I was using you, you stuck. You stuck with me. Up until then, I struggled so hard to find something like home. You gave me a chance, and I can tell you haven’t regretted it thus far. I just... don’t ever want to have to just remember you again. I want you to stick around. You’re perfect to be around. My perfect adventuring find. My... my perfect partner. We’ve never made any official call for what this is, and... I know this is all so ridiculous and grandiose and seems like some sort of proposal. In... in a way, it is. I just--” he lets his head fall, and he takes a pause, before he looked back up into Julianne’s face. “Please, little dove, would you give a pirate a chance and just call yourself mine already?”

...

Julianne, flustered, and unsure of how to respond in the immediate moment, searched Julian’s eyes for his genuine feelings. It was a long search -- after all, he’d just poured his onto the table, practically. This wasn’t at all a surprise, they had in fact been in some rut of infatuation without ever having admitted it to one another. It was always just implied. But here they were now, Julian basking in all of his monologuing glory...

Before she could respond, he was quick to make a joke, giving her hands a squeeze as she did his before he had come clean. “Plus, now I’m less likely to get in trouble for starting a fight with Gerard, seeing as how we’d be an official couple rather than just flirting, fleeting friends.”

Julianne shook her head, letting it fall as she let out a laugh. “You... are quite simply the most unbearable person I’ve ever met. In the best way possible.” Looking back up, he simply gave a friendly and teasing shrug in response, and she leaned in to seal the space between them with a kiss.

It wasn’t long before it grew passionate, one full of longing and hope from both of them. It would be hard for Julian to pull away, had he not been wait for a response. Before he let the kiss get carried away, he pulled back, a hand pressed to Juli’s face. 

“So?”

She looked him in the eyes, lifted a hand toward his face, and promptly gave him a flick to the nose.

“Ow!?” His brow furrowed, “What was that for??”

“For lying to my face earlier. I just needed you to know I didn’t forget.”

A huffy laugh came from the redhead as he reached to rub at his nose, now stinging slightly in pain. “Alright. Noted.”

She offered a final, soft smile, reaching to gently swipe her thumb over his nose in comfort. The woman then reached in for a soft peck. “I’ll be your girlfriend, Ilya. Or rather, your co-captain.” 

Julian beamed taking her face into both of his hands. “Oh, I’m so glad. As co-captain, can your first duty be to teach me an adjective other than ‘perfect’? I’m a doctor, not a novelist.”

“Sure. But only if you teach me one rather than ‘weird’,” Juli offered in reply.

“Good, good. But uh, can we wait until after dessert?”

“Didn’t Gerard ask you to save him some?”

“Oh, no. Gerry can starve. I’m sneaking dessert back into my room.”

[seven-oomen]

Breaking the cycle | How Teen Wolf portrays its traumatized fathers

First of, I would like to say that the following words are my take on this. I am a 29 year old trans man of Caucasian descend who is an domestic violence and abuse survivor. I am diagnosed with ADHD since 12 and diagnosed with CPTSD since this year. I understand trauma and I understand what it does to people. But I am not a professional. I am a fan.

Secondly, the characters I’ll be talking about today are specifically the fathers of some of the main characters in Teen Wolf. Namely Chris Argent, Peter Hale, and Noah Stilinski. 

I realize there are many more traumatized parents who would fit well in this essay and while I thought about including them, I decided that for now, these are the three characters I’m focusing on.

I would love to hear your thoughts about some of the other parents and how their traumatizing pasts might have contributed to the way they raised their children.

Sources are listed under the read more. The gifs I’m using are from Google.

I will be focusing on these characters, discuss what sort of trauma they have, how it affects them and how it affects the way they then raised their children. And why their stories are important for trauma and abuse survivors.

Let’s start with Noah Stilinski.

From Episode 3, Season 6 Sundowning we know the following about Noah’s homelife:

Elias was known for being both emotionally and physically abusive, and on at least one occasion, Noah stepped in to protect his mother from his abuse, causing his father to inadvertently throw him into a glass coffee table; his shoulder was scarred, and tiny fragments of glass remain under the now-healed wound even in the present day.

He even tells Scott: (While talking about a memory of him and Claudia in College.) “The kind of father I wish I had. The kind I... I hope to be."

In the same episode Noah also refers to the incident above as “That time.” Indicating that it wasn’t the first time this happened and it wasn’t the last either.

Piecing all the information together we can conclude that Noah was emotionally, psychologically, and physically abused by his father. We can also conclude that this abuse extended to his mother. Meaning he was also a victim of domestic violence.

There is also evidence in the episode that Elias might have abused Stiles, or at the very least has a very negative opinion of his grandson.  “ That's right! Act like I'm not even here! Go crawling back to your dead wife and loser son!”

This scarred Noah, both physically and mentally. We see evidence of this in episodes where he reacts violently and explosively any time his son is hurt. He immediately blows up and threatens physical violence against the people who hurt his son. 

A part of that is parental protection, but imagine that someone beat the living crap out of you and those you love every day of your life. Once you’re free of that person it leaves a mark and a smoldering fear of seeing the people around you getting hurt. When it happens you get angry, at the people who hurt your loved one, and at yourself. You weren’t there to protect them, you were too late.

Noah blames himself whenever Stiles gets hurt. I believe, based on his childhood home life that Noah corresponds his son getting hurt with failure as a parent. And knowing where he comes from, that’s an extra sore subject for him.

We have basis of it in canon.

We can also see that Noah’s guilt tends to eat at him if he ever has to discipline Stiles or yell at him. As shown in the following scene.

I believe that the abuse Noah endured makes him a very scared individual especially when it comes to raising his son. He’s constantly afraid he’s turning into his father, his afraid of making the same mistakes. He’s afraid he’ll scar and traumatize his own as he was traumatized himself.

The fact that Noah is aware of what he’s doing, that he stops when asked is enough of an indication to tell us, the audience, that he isn’t his father. Once Stiles indicates he’s okay, or simply tells his father to stop, Noah stops immediately. He usually hugs his son or initiates a kind physical contact right after. 

He stops, he reflects, realizes his mistake, and tries to do better.

This is one way to break the cycle. Noah’s not perfect at it, we can see him struggle many times. He insults Stiles or his intelligence without meaning to, passing it off as a joke, he’s constantly working and is not around as much as he should be. And those are valid criticisms of this character.

But deep at his core Noah’s trying to break a cycle of physical and emotional abuse, he’s trying to be there for Stiles. Tells him to go to school, tries to keep an eye on Stiles and tries to talk to him whenever he has the chance to explore Stiles’s wellbeing and feelings.

This is a man who went through hell as a child, became a father, and decided to do better.

Noah is a character who effectively broke a viscous cycle and has a wonderful and strong relationship with his son as a result. It’s not without flaws and Noah’s not perfect. But he’s generally not abusive or an abuser. And that is a step in the right direction.

It also shows us, the audience, that no matter what home life you come from, you can arise above your own traumas and do better for the next generation.

-

Now Chris Argent is an interesting one. I already talked about Chris and trauma in my daddy’s little soldier meta.

Considering the type of person Gerard is, and how he treats several teenagers in the show. I believe Chris is also a victim of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. We don’t know much about his home life with his mother, so that I can not speculate on.

What we do know is, Gerard has no qualms about hurting children and teenagers. He’s admitted that he would kill his own son if it meant he survived. He’s raised his own son to be a weapon and to compartmentalize his emotions. I shudder to think as to what methods Gerard must have used on Chris. But as we never see them, I can only speculate.

So how did Chris break his cycle of abuse?

By not raising Allison to be a hunter. For the first seventeen years of her life, Allison didn’t know the Supernatural existed. She was kept out of her father’s life until it was no longer possible. She was never raised as a soldier, she wasn’t raised to hide her feelings. If anything, her father encouraged her and nurtured her to the best of his abilities. Chris tried to be there for his daughter. 

He even moved her to France to get her away from their lives. He quit something he was raised to do and did it successfully, just to protect his daughter. He grew up to be everything his father wasn’t.

And while Chris, too, is not perfect at it, he does try and breaks the cycle.

He’s aware of their problems, addresses them, and tries to do better. He even extends this nurturing and protective side to Isaac later down the line. 

Chris, a victim of abuse, sees the signs of abuse in Isaac, and decides; this one, this one I will nurture and protect too. Which he eventually accomplishes by bringing him to France and away from the craziness that is Beacon Hills. (Would have been nice to get a good plot about Chris adopting Isaac, but well, that’s another rant.)

Chris, like Noah, shows that even if you were raised in the worst circumstances, by being aware of your trauma and how that affects others, you can break the cycle and come out on top.

-

And last but not least we have someone who went through an horrific event and possibly emotional abuse from his family, discovered he was a father, and then had to adjust.

I’m talking about Peter Hale.

Now Peter is not a morally good character in general. He has no qualms about killing people who get in his way. From what we know about his childhood Peter also had anger issues as a small child and often broke his toys. 

However, the reason why I’m stating that Peter was most likely emotionally abused (I think by his sister Talia) is because we know that Talia, would not believe Peter about the fire and the Argents and waved his concerns away without considering them. She manipulated multiple of his memories and frequently hid the truth from him. And we know that their relationship from before the fire was strained.

We also know that Peter does care about his family. He cared for Cora in the hospital and he does care about whether Derek lives or dies and tends to keep an eye out for his nephew. In later seasons we also see Peter caring about his only daughter Malia and even express fear for her wellbeing when they go up against the Anuk-Ite. 

His love for Malia is eventually what frees him from the Ghost Riders control and his wish for her to live is what motivates his decisions in Season 6 to try and keep her safe, and when he can’t keep her away from the fight, he joins her and tries to protect her.

Now I believe that the Peter we see in S1,2, 3 and S6B are the real Peter Hale. A traumatized man who believes his only way to stay alive is through manipulation and careful planning. But he does genuinely seem to care about a few people, Cora, Derek, and Malia.

In Season 1 Peter is still coming out of his traumatic event (being burned alive and then being in a coma) and he has to navigate a new world. He kills Laura (or so it is speculated) for her Alpha power and to heal himself. Because to Peter, he is the only one who can avenge his family and resolve the traumatic event he went through.

Revenge, of course, is generally not a good way to resolve trauma and the plan doesn’t work. His trauma is not resolved by killing Kate and he dies that night.

When Peter comes back practically powerless he has to navigate carefully and he does so through manipulating the people around him. To Peter, manipulation is the only way to stay alive and get ahead. This idea of his, had to come from somewhere.

This is where my theory of emotional abuse kicks in. Because if Peter was emotionally abused by his sister (for which there is evidence in canon), he most likely picked up his tactic of manipulation as a survival tactic.

Now out of the list. Peter is the only person who doesn’t fully rise above his past. The past still haunts him as he becomes a protector of Beacon Hills in S6B. But I firmly think that if we got to see more of Peter past this point, we would have seen a man starting his journey to recognizing his toxic traits and trying to do better by them. But that of course, is just speculation.

Peter’s story teaches us that the road to healing and becoming a better person isn’t always linear. It’s not a given that you’ll heal if you aren’t ready to accept it. Or if you’re so focused on getting revenge that healing is impossible, it’s also not going to work. And usually, trying to heal requires a positive presence in your life (Malia), a support system (Malia and the pack), and a willingness to recognize what you’re doing wrong and to better yourself moving forward.

Sources:

Breaking the Cycle of Child Abuse - Article written by a psychologist and peer reviewed by a psychiatrist

The cycles of violence - Article written for the WHO by the University of Birmingham

The Teen Wolf Wiki - for all information and episodes of these characters

Teen Wolf - MTV tv show that owns the characters.

[jerakeenc]

many kidfics i’ve read and loved

look who’s reccing a million year old fics now. kidfics, very many. posted to dw for snowflake, thought I’d copy here as well. will be reading most, if not all. if you don’t hear from me again, this list is the culprit.

101 Ways To Get Lucky (In Love) by lenore

18,200 words | SGA, McKay/Sheppard

Rodney McKay is rich, gorgeous and at the top of his game—except someone just moved the goalposts! Now Rodney realizes he is sorely lacking the one status symbol that everybody seems to have…the perfect family. Rodney needs help, so he hires a relationship coach. Single-dad John Sheppard may be an expert, but not when it comes to his own relationships! And every day he spends with Rodney makes him wish that he could be the one to fill the vacancy in Rodney's life…

A Beautiful Lifetime Event by astolat

29,000 words | SGA, McKay/Sheppard

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

An Earlier Heaven by regann

67,400 words | X-Men, Erik/Charles

In the wake of Cuba, Charles and his students are ready to pick up the pieces and work toward achieving Charles's dream of a safe haven for young mutants. Those plans, however, take a surprising turn thanks to a very unexpected complication. As he slowly builds a future for his students and for his child, Charles struggles with the loss of Erik and the secrets he's willing to keep to protect his family, but those strides are shattered when Erik makes a startling reappearance into his life. [mpreg, kidfic, ensemble]

And everything nice by noelia_g

30,200 words | Social Network, Mark/Eduardo

The one where Mark somehow ends up with a child and of course needs a nanny for the amount of time he spends at the office. Only problem is a string of nannys keep trying to get into his pants for what he assumes is his money. Cue Mark's assistant hiring a male nanny, enter Eduardo.

asking to be born by longtime_lurker

26,500 words | Bandom, Pete/Patrick

"Don't worry, it's probably just his big gay freakout," Andy yells cheerfully and unhelpfully into Patrick's ear as they're hustling Pete over to the nearest private clinic.

Better with You by harriet_vane

38,100 words | 1D, Liam/Louis

Based on this prompt at the kinkmeme:

Single parent and solo artist Liam Payne hires Louis Tomlinson to be a full time nanny to his four year old son Sammy. Although the two men don't quite click from the start it's love at first sight between Sammy and Louis. Eventually Louis and Liam warm up to each other and get on like a house on fire, in fact the two become a little too fond of each other.

I refuse to apologize for how sweet this ended up, okay? It's kidfic, I am forever writing kidfic, and this one is even kid-fic-ier than usual.

Can't Get Enough of You (Baby) by eternalbreath

22,100 words | Inception, Arthur/Eames

Eames vanishes from dreamshare and Arthur goes a little crazy looking for him until he stumbles across him -- with a baby.

Chelsea, Chelsea, I Believe by empathapathique

300,800 words | Hockey, Kane/Toews

Patrick meets a girl his rookie year.

Don't You Shake Alone by dsudis

62,180 words | Generation Kill, Brad/Nate

Nate looked exactly like Brad always pictured him: exhausted in the full life-in-a-combat-zone sense of the word.

Dude, what's a bulwark? by kellifer_fic

12,150 words | Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles

Beacon Hills is the kind of small town where everybody knows everybody, and what everybody knows is that surly diner owner Derek Hale and free spirited single dad Stiles Stilinski have been in love with each other for years. If only they knew it too.

Every Other Beautiful World by rhiannonhero

43,280 words | SGA, McKay/Sheppard

Some things are unexpected but still inevitable in every beautiful world.

Forever, Now by harriet_vane

227,100 words | Bandom, Frank/Gerard, Jon/Spencer, Brendon/Ryan, Brian/Greta

Brian rescues kid!Gerard and Mikey from life on the streets, and eventually everyone finds a family.

here comes the sun by oflights

56,600 words | Social Network, Mark/Eduardo

This is a story about growing up, sad 70's rock songs, too much hair gel, "Maxwell's Silver Hammer", a baby with curly hair, a Geiger counter, a dog that isn't named Max, the Chicken Dance, Cheerios, pepper-spray, drugs, sex, and a stuffed chicken named Cluckerberg, nicknamed Cluck. or: Mark raises Sean's accidental baby, and I write the fluffiest thing ever.

I Got a Love (That Keeps Me Waiting) by svmadelyn

163,700 words | Hockey, Kane/Toews

There's a lot of different ways this summary could go, like:

Patrick Kane gets more than a gold medal in Sochi.

Or, the classic: It's too late to pull out now.

Or: Patrick Kane continues to thrive in high pressure situations.

Or: Patrick Kane gets knocked up, goes to White Castle, and finds love, not necessarily in that order.

But, ultimately, all that really matters is this: Patrick Kane is keeping his baby.

I Would Be by cathalin

20,290 words | American Idol, Kris/Adam

AU. Adam and Kris meet a few years down the road, when down-on-his-luck Kris and his young daughter Katherine show up to rent a room from Adam, who never made it to an Idol audition.

Ice Ice Baby by uraneia

51,340 words | Hockey, Claude/Danny

A gold medal isn't the only souvenir Claude brings home from Prague.

OR: The one where Claude gets drunk, gets pregnant, and gets convinced to move in with Danny, whom he's been secretly in love with for years. What could possibly go wrong?

my heart is bigger than the distance in between us by estrella30

15,000 words | 1D, Nick/Harry

Nick chuckles quietly but grabs the remote and follows Emma, Aimee coming up close behind him. It’s indeed Harry on the telly, singing along to his latest radio hit and smiling slowly into the camera far too seductively for half eight on a Friday morning, if you ask Nick. He presses the volume just in time to catch the crowd’s roaring applause and see the pink flush Harry’s cheeks. Nick watches him duck his head as he gives a small wave to the audience, and it hits Nick that Harry is still the most humble and appreciative billionaire Nick’s ever met.

Good job, popstar, Nick thinks to himself.

or, Nick is a single dad and Harry is his bff and it's a bunch of years into the future and they fall in love

Once Upon a Furry Octopus by skoosiepants

11,270 words | SGA, McKay/Sheppard

He was an intelligent, intuitive pet, but he wasn’t going to start sniffing out ZPMs or hidden Ancient weaponry or detailed instructions on how to kill a Wraith with a common household item. A pen, for instance.

Reconcilable Differences by astolat

40,000 words | Smallville, Clark/Lex

Luthor Family Values.

Shelter by harriet_vane

63,500 words | Social Network, Jesse/Andrew

From the kinkmeme prompt: Some sort of AU vaguely based on Shelter! For whatever reason, Jesse has to take care of Hallie and give up his dream of being an actor. He ends up working in a dead end job when former, now successful friend (Andrew) returns home. They fall in love, etc, only Jesse can't go away with him because he has a responsibility to his family. CUE ANGST.

Show Me The Way Back Home Baby by stilinskisparkles

15,000 words | Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles

In which Lydia and Jackson produce the world's cutest baby, and the pack goes crazy-- the good kind of crazy. Except for Derek, who is afraid of tiny cute babies and Stiles who plans to be the best Uncle ever. Even if Danny called dibs on Godfather.

Skybird by windsweptfic

33,785 words | Inception/White Collar, Arthur/Eames

Arthur and Eames adopt a kid and raise that kid into Neal Caffrey.

Small Cells and Fibers by sevenfists

7,830 words | Bandom, Frank/Gerard

Tuesdays were finger-painting days. Frank made sure to wear his oldest pair of jeans, because even with his full-length apron and his constant reminders that paint belongs on paper and not on clothing, he always ended up with tiny, multi-colored handprints all over his clothes. There wasn't a thing he could do about it, so he just wore pants from 1995.

Small Primes and Square Roots by liviapenn

12,500 words | SGA, McKay/Sheppard

"I hope you picked someone really intelligent, otherwise it seems like it would be kind of a waste. Of incubation time, if nothing else."

So Wise We Grow by deastar

81,250 words | Star Trek Reboot, Kirk/Spock

"Commander Spock, we have located your son," the Vulcan lady on the screen says, which would be great, except Jim can tell by the look on Spock's face that he's never heard of this kid before in his life. "If it is expedient, the child will be sent to join you on the Enterprise within the week."

Something Better by lovelypoet

18,350 words | Bandom, Frank/Gerard

"We all have to take jobs we don't like sometimes, you know?"

The Next Time You Say Forever by Thistlerose

27,300 words | Star Trek Reboot, Kirk/McCoy

After his ex-wife's death, McCoy is forced to leave the Enterprise to look after his teenage daughter. Under normal circumstances, this would be the end of…whatever it is he has with Kirk that's more than friendship, but less than what he wants. But the universe has other intentions.

The Reeducation of Misters Kane and Toews by jezziejay

15,900 words | Hockey, Kane/Toews

In which Kaner sort of has a kid, and Mr. Toews doesn't know which of them is the bigger brat.

AU featuring teacher!Jon and hockey-player!Kaner. With bonus 'Hawks characters, love notes, pasta jewelry, Be Better Pizzas, pirouettes, a sprinke of angst and guest appearance by Derek Jeter.

The Road Delivered Us Home by keelywolfe

117,430 words | Hobbit, Thorin/Bilbo

In the years since Bilbo left Erebor, he has lost his respectability, gained a nephew, and gotten on with life at Bag End.

He'd left aside adventure for the comforts and peace of his little Hobbit hole, and for the love of a child who needed him. Though perhaps, adventures can yet find him.

This Story Was Brought to You by Our Sponsors by scaramouche

29,500 words | Supernatural, Dean/Castiel

Dean's post-apocalyptic life is a friggin' soap opera. Romance! Angst! Separations! Reunions! Pizza Dinners! A Child Dean Never Knew He Had! It's all very dramatic.

throw a little sparkle all over it by etben

26,000 words | Bandom, Frank/Gerard

"Hey, Ma," Mikey says. "No, everything's fine—well, I mean, Gerard accidentally adopted a baby—no, he's changing her now, he can't talk."

Tiny Houses by ohmyjetsabel

77,130 words | Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles

"So this is what Stiles does. He lies in Scott’s bed and waits for Melissa to say she’s found someone to get it out of him, to cure him of the wrongness and the bad, and he dreams.

God, he dreams.

He dreams of fire and swollen bellies and that scene in Alien, of giving birth to jackals through his urethra, the whole horrific nine yards. His head is a terrible place to be, he can’t imagine his stomach is much better, why anyone would want to put a thing inside of it."

Tip, Slide, Tumble by j_s_cavalcante

42,900 words | due South, Fraser/Kowalski

Ray knew when he found the body in the alley it was going to change someone's life. He just didn't expect that life would be his.

Turn by saras_girl

306,000 words | Harry Potter, Harry/Draco

One good turn always deserves another. Apparently.

Unless it's lies or it's love by sprat

25,300 words | American Idol, Kris/Adam

In which Adam (a rock star) meets Kris (a single dad) at an Emergency Room in Arkansas at the end of a particularly shitty night. Also features: San Francisco, fresh starts, baked goods, OCs, cameo appearances by Matt and Megan, pirates, monsters with garbage heads and a recording studio.

What Child Is This by lamardeuse

30,150 words | Merlin, Arthur/Merlin

A modern AU with Merlin, Arthur, mayhem, a baby and a jingly elf hat.

What to Expect by arsenic

29,200 words | Bandom, Bob/Mikey

Mikey has his band, and his little girl, and that's enough. Really, it is.

Winter's Children by neery

66,890 words | Marvel, Bucky/Steve

When their attempts to recreate the super soldier serum failed, Hydra started trying to breed Captain America clones from his genetic samples. Unfortunately, the serum's effects aren't passed down genetically, so instead of an army of tiny Captain Americas, they get a bunch of tow-headed, asthmatic, allergic, immuno-compromised little Steves.

And then the Winter Soldier stumbles across Hydra's failed experiment...

With Six You Get Eggroll by speranza

31,000 words | due South, Fraser/Kowalski

"Kick 'em In The Head: A Guide To Parenting."

ETA: Bonus! Because I apparently lost my bookmark for this one but have the memory of an elephant for kidfic, so it came to me eventually. :D

A Farm in Iowa 'Verse by sheafrotherdon

166,000 words | SGA, McKay/Sheppard

John inherits a farm, Rodney ends up entirely out of his element, and there is much ado about baseball.

[killjoyhistoryarchive]

Fan Interview

Weren’t around for the Twitter frenzy in 2010? No problem! In this interview, @highkingkitten–who was a fan at the time–gives us insight into what it was like to interact with these exciting characters.

What was it like being an MCR fan on Twitter in 2010?

I remember how exciting it was when they first showed up and then we kept finding more! If I remember right, Dr. Death Defying, Party Poison, and Cherri Cola were the ones who replied back to people the most. Every day it seemed like there was another one popping up, or a fake one that we had to discredit. You could tell the real ones because they would all follow each other. The whole fandom started roleplaying at them, because we got replies better if we did. Then the Killjoysonas popped up–again, all at once it seemed. The flurry of excitement and activity from the band and the fandom was honestly one of the best things I’ve ever been a part of.

Can you go into more detail about the fakes?

I remember at least 4 or 5, although the names at this point I can’t remember specifically. They were your run-of-the-mill Killjoy lingo. They mostly sprung up before we had a lexicon of Killjoy lingo, so it was kind of easy to fake at first. I remember Agent Cherry Cola, because that one was the first(?) I think. Another was like…wasteddestroyer? I think? as soon as people realized they were fakes we all unfollowed and forgot about them for the most part. Agent Cherry Cola actually followed me, haha. My handle was KidKilljoy as soon as the term “Killjoy” was dropped, so lots of people thought I was an official account at first too.

What was it like whenever a new official account went live? How did you guys react?

It was…chaotic, honestly, lmao. Everyone rushed to follow it, then verify, then @ it with all kinds of things, hoping to get a reply. We had guessed out rather quickly who was running each account, and a lot of people wanted them to break character, but just as many just wanted to play along. The part of Twitter I was in instantly loved everything about it. I got most of my information from places like #MCRchat, @cassiethevenomous, and @mcrwtfisgoingon, who collected info while we in unfortunate time zones slept and put it all together for us.

This is an old screenshot from 2010, where Dr. Death Defying retweeted me.

And this is from Party Poison, and what I said first.

Who did you think was behind each character?

If I remember correctly, we instantly pegged Gerard as Party Poison. I think we got told who Dr. Death Defying was by someone official. I remember there being a theory that Mikey was Cherri Cola, but I can’t remember if it was very popular or not. I myself can’t remember who NewsAGoGo was.

[Ed. note: Shaun Simon stated on Twitter that he ran most of the accounts, while Gerard and Jon Rivera ran DrDeathDefying.]

What did you guys think of the characters themselves?

From what I remember, I don’t really think there were too many strong opinions either way about them. Someone else might tell you different, though. I mostly was part of the RP ring on twitter. I think we just kind of thought they were characters in the world. Even though people figured they would be main characters, I don’t think we expected them to be as important as they were, in the beginning at least.

What was the roleplaying scene like at the time?

I think it might have been the biggest after the “Na Na Na” video came out (?? I might be mixing up my timelines here, though.) Everyone was making them, or at the least their own custom ray gun. it was very free because it didn’t have to be paragraphs and paragraphs. On Twitter, you could take something mundane in your life, add in “shiny” or “motorbaby,” mix in some cursing for good measure, and you have something your OC might complain about! There were plenty of people who did RP seriously though, they were the ones with the forums. I joined one, but lost my reliable internet connection shortly after, so I stayed on Twitter. I wish I remembered the name. I think about it a lot, haha.

There was a couple who lived a few hours from me who roleplayed and used their car knowledge and living in a rural area for survival tips in the Zones. It was such a rad experience, looking back.

What was it like when an official account replied to/retweeted you? I’m guessing it was pretty exciting!

I was a very, very excitable young adult, yes. I am pretty sure I vibrated for several hours from the adrenaline of being the one they decided to interact with. The sheer amount of people who Instantly replied as soon as one of them said something made it so surprising! Plus, I’ve never been good at coming up with things on the spot. I honestly couldn’t believe how lucky I was, lol.

[Originally published on 28.02.2017]

[contre-qui]

Tag 9 people to learn about their interests.

I was tagged by: @just-a-cup-of-anxietea (I'm sure you already knew, but this just really highlights how indecisive I am!)

MUSIC

Fave genre? Pop rock/pop punk usually (but a little bit of everything)

Fave artist? It's hard to pick one but I really love Patrick Wolf and Dolly Parton

Fave song? Again so hard to pick but probably "The Magic Position" by Patrick Wolf

Most listened song recently? "Coming Home" by Leon Bridges

Song currently stuck in your head? "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac and "Vengo Dalla Luna" by Måneskin

5 fave lyrics? (Why is this so hard???)

Hear the Salvation Army band./Down by the riverside/Bound to be a better ride/Than what/you've got planned./Carry your gun in your hand./Look around,/Leaves are brown,/And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. ("Hazy Shade of Winter" - yes the Gerard Way/Ray Toro version from Umbrella Academy let me live)

I hear her voice in the mornin' hour, she calls me/The radio reminds me of my home far away/Drivin' down the road, I get a feelin'/That I should've been home yesterday ("Take Me Home, Country Roads" by John Denver)

If the children don't grow up,/Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up./We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms, turnin' every good thing to/Rust.I guess we'll just have to adjust ("Wake Up" by Arcade Fire)

Just beyond your limits/Find the new frontier/I live in the darkness/It's dark in here ("Dark In Here" by The Mountain Goats)

radio or your own playlist | solo artists or bands | pop or indie | loud or silent volume I slow or fast songs | music video or lyrics video | speakers or headset | riding a bus in silence or while listening to music | driving in silence or with radio on

BOOKS

Fav book genre? Sci fi/fantasy

Fave writer? Neil Gaiman, Audre Lorde, Ray Bradbury, Lev Grossman, Markus Zusak, Mary Shelley, and probably more but that would take a long list

Fave book? I simply cannot pick a favorite. But a selection includes: Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde, American Gods by Neil Gaiman, The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury, The Magicians by Lev Grossman, Wicked by Gregory Maguire, An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon, and the list goes on and on and on

Fave book series? The Magicians Trilogy by Lev Grossman

Comfort book? The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

Rainy day book? Probably poetry actually

Fave characters? Julia Wicker from The Magicians, Elphaba Thropp from Wicked, Crowley from Good Omens... Probably some others but I don't really imprint on book characters as much as I do on the books themselves.

5 quotes from your fave books?

"Aye. You gender-malcontent. You otherling," she said [...]. "Me too. I am a boy and a girl and a witch all wrapped into one strange, flimsy, indecisive body. Do you think my body couldn't decide what it wanted to be?"

"I think it doesn't matter because we get to decide what our bodies are or are not, " he answered.

[...] "Is that so? Then I am magic. I say it, therefore it is true," she said. (An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon)

[...] for each of us encounters the Lady on the Grey at the end of our days, and there is no forgetting her. (The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman)

Most people are blind to magic. They move through a blank and empty world. They’re bored with their lives, and there’s nothing they can do about it. They’re eaten alive by longing, and they’re dead before they die. (The Magicians by Lev Grossman)

He lingered at the door, and said, "The Lion wants courage, the Tin Man a heart, and the Scarecrow brains. Dorothy wants to go home. What do you want?" [...]

She couldn't say forgiveness, not to Liir. She started to say "a soldier," to make fun of his mooning affections over the guys in uniform. But realizing even as she said it that he would be hurt, she caught herself halfway, and in the end what came out of her mouth surprised them both.

She said, "A soul-" (Wicked by Gregory Maguire)

Night after night we had talked until dawn in this room about language and poetry and love and the good conduct of living. Yet we were strangers. (Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde)

hardcover or paperback | buy or rent | standalone novels or book series | ebook or physical copy | reading at night or during the day | reading at home or in nature | listening to music while reading or reading in silence | reading in order or reading the ending first | reliable or unreliable narrator | realism or fantasy | one or multiple POVS | judging by the covers or by the summary | rereading or reading just once

TV AND MOVIES

Fave tv/movie genre? Sci fi/fantasy and comedy

Fave movie? Lord of the Rings or Terry Pratchett's The Hogfather

Comfort movie? The Dark Crystal, The Parent Trap (1998), The Neverending Story, Legally Blonde, The Princess Diaries, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Last Unicorn

Movie you watch every year? Hocus Pocus, The Hogfather, Lord of the Rings (the whole trilogy), and The Muppets' A Christmas Carol

Fave tv show? Doctor Who (earlier reboot seasons specifically)

Comfort tv show? The IT Crowd

Most rewatched tv show? Doctor Who

5 fave characters? Donna Noble (Doctor Who), Chidi Anagonye (The Good Place), Maurice Moss (IT Crowd), Eliot Waugh (The Magicians [the show]), and Susan (The Hogfather)

tv shows or movie | short seasons (8-13 episodes) or full seasons (22 episodes or more) | one episode a week or bingeing | one season or multiple seasons | one part or saga | half hour or one hour long episodes | subtitles on or off | rewatching or watching just once | downloads or watches online

Tagging (no pressure!): @nr-studies @mymessystudyblr @magnusacademia and anyone else who'd like to do this!

[babymetaldoll]

Danger Days - Chapter twelve: "Heaven knows I'm miserable now"

Word count: 7,5K

Summary: Joey has to go touring again, and Matthew is feeling miserable. Lynz is starting to suspect something is wrong with her husband.

Warnings: Smut, penetrative sex. Cursing.

A/N: Hi! quick question: would you do what Lynz did??

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen | Chapter sixteen | Chapter seventeen | Chapter eighteen | Chapter nineteen | Chapter twenty | Chapter twenty one | Chapter twenty-two | Chapter twenty-three | Chapter twenty-four |

---

::: Los Angeles, January 28th, 2011 :::

Matthew looked around and smiled. He was pleased to see the new fireplace he had built for their house. Meanwhile, Joey worked on the kitchen’s, painting a wall. They had spent their whole month together working on their future home. They had made the best out of their time together. They even invited her parents for an entire week and introduced them to Matthew’s family. It was all so official and yet, so fun and warm.

Joey never thought she would like those things. And her mother knew it. That’s why she kept telling her how happy she looked with Matthew.

- "I’ve never seen you shine like this"- Mercedes kissed her temple before getting into a plane back to Seattle. Joey could never forget the smile on her face as her mom hugged Matthew and gave him her blessing. It was like he was part of the family already.

But a new leg of the tour was about to start, and Joey had to go. Matthew hated it. He didn’t want her away with Gerard. And Joey hated it too, but she was so happy she had a great job after all that time, and the fact she was good at it made her feel so secure about her skills, in a way she had never felt before. It was like she was finally becoming the Joey she always wanted to be.

Gerard hadn’t appeared that whole month. He had stayed as far from Joey as possible. That meant he had spent most of his time in New York with his wife. Mikey had been around, though. He was always hanging with Joey when Matthew was at work. The drummer had asked him to look for a date, but other than picking random chicks in bars a few times, Mikey wasn’t ready for everything dating or seeing somebody meant. Even rebound sex had been hard for him.

- "Yami, when do you have to go to the airport?"

- "Around midnight"- the girl answered and turned to her boyfriend, face spotted with paint from her work in the kitchen. He walked over and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder.

- "Why don’t you better stay here with me?"- he pouted, and the girl sighed

- "Akumu, we’ve been through this."

- "I know, but I just…"- he sighed, knowing it was a fight he never stood a chance to win- "Fuck, Yami! I just miss you so much when you are not around."

Gubler whispered, and she kissed his neck softly, taking a deep breath to enjoy his smell. They had been working most of the morning in their house, but Joey didn’t mind the sweat on her boyfriend’s body.

- "You know I miss you too when I’m away, but you are gonna be working. You’ve got a tv show and a movie to make, so you really wouldn’t be home with me much if I were here, would you?"- Joey whispered as Matthew moved and rested his forehead on hers.

- "I know…"

- "So? What if, instead of being sad, we make the best of the few hours we have left?"- the girl bit Matthew’s lower lip and raised an eyebrow, smiling seductively.

- "You mean you wanna do what the moms and the dads do when they are alone?"- he whispered with a funny voice, and Joey closed her eyes laughing.

- "Shit! You had to put it in the less sexy way possible, didn’t you?"

- "So you want it sexy?"- his voice lowered, and her heart raced in her chest as he kissed her neck softly.

- "Yes, Akumu, I want it sexy."

- "And dirty?"- he whispered and bit his lips as he looked at her for a second.

- "Yes, and also loving."

- "You are very demanding, did you know that?"- Gubler smiled, rubbing his lips against hers slowly before kissing her.

- "Yes, I know I am, but you love me being demanding"- a smirk appeared on Joey’s face as she moved her lips from his and stared into his light brown eyes

- "I am doomed, you know I love you too much"- the girl kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck- "Too bad we don’t have any place to do it here in this empty house, just for the two of us."

Joey chuckled and kissed Matthew again.

- "I guess we are gonna have to make the best of it…"

- "That’s the spirit"- he hugged her and lifted her, her legs wrapped around his waist as he started walking outside the kitchen, kissing her.

- "Now enlighten me, my sweet fiancée… is there any room in our house we haven’t done it yet?"- Gubler asked with a smirk and Joey thought about it quickly.

- "Oh no! Matthew! There isn’t another room to have sex in! We’ve done it in every single one of them already"- she answered in a fake concerned tone of voice.

- "Oh dammit! That means we are gonna have to start repeating spots then!"- Matthew quickly replied and leaned Joey’s body against the wall behind her back- "And as far as I remember, you came real nice right here the other day."

- "I did indeed, Matthew Gray. Thank you for remembering it so clearly."

The couple kept making out and continued talking until it was useless to keep track of any coherent conversation when all they could do was to groan and moan.

If something melted Joey’s heart was the look in Matthew’s eyes every time they had sex. The moment right before thrusting into her, he would look into her eyes and wait for her permission. No matter what. Even when she was acting submissive, she had to nod and allow him to enter. Joey had teased him more than once, saying he was a vampire in sex, ‘cos he couldn’t come inside her house uninvited. The truth was, Matthew cared for her, even when he was spanking her, or calling her a dirty whore, or having her calling him daddy. He wanted her to enjoy being with him too.

- "Matthew?"- Joey whispered as the two of them laid on an old carpet, and he moved slowly over to climb her naked body. He stared at her in adoration and caressed her face softly.

- "What is it, Yami?"

- "I just… love you so much"- the girl managed to whisper as she stared into his eyes, feeling how the tears were about to reach hers.

- "Baby, baby"- he whispered and kissed her several times on her lips, her eyes, her cheeks- "I love you too, I am here, I am yours, you have my heart."

Matthew reached out and landed a hand on the necklace Joey never took off.

- "And you are carrying my heart with you, always"- the girl nodded and kissed him again.

- "You haven’t been apart for this long, ever"- she sighed and made her best to remain calm.

- "I know"- Matthew whispered and kissed her neck a few times- "But we are gonna be ok."

- "Akumu… we won’t be together in two months"- it was like the realization had just hit Joey nine hours before leaving.

- "I know, Yami"- he whispered and moved closer to her, if possible, and wrapped her in his arms completely.

- "Matthew…"

Joey’s tears began to fall, and he started kissing them away as fast as possible. But it was too hard, ‘cos he had started crying too, and the two of them weeping naked on a carpet was too much to handle.

And so they cried. They both knew they had been acting funny and silly to cover the fact they were miserable ‘cos it was an eternal leg of the tour. It started on January 31st in Osaka and ended on March 20th in Finland. They had a week off and then another month traveling the states. It was hell.

How was Joey going to cope with the distance? How was Matthew going to deal with the fear of leaving his girlfriend with Gerard? Neither of them wanted to think of it now, but it seemed there were no more chances to avoid the thoughts either.

Matthew held her face with both hands, running his thumbs carefully on her cheeks, before leaning over and kiss her. It was soft. It was sweet. It was sad and filled with love at the same time. He didn’t want to cry anymore, not at the moment. He was going to have a long night without her to think and overthink everything.

But at that moment, Matthew just wanted to kiss Joey’s lips, her whole body. He wanted to stop the fucking time that kept driving him insane and just be with her, enjoy the last afternoon they had together, making love on their living room’s floor.

Joey sighed and shivered as she felt her fiancé holding onto her skin, like a shipwrecked holding the last piece of wood left of his boat. She couldn’t say a word. She just wrapped her arms and legs around him and looked into his eyes, nodding before she felt him sliding between her thighs. Both of them gasped, but neither of them was able to say a word. They just stared at each other and sighed. He held her close, as close as humanly possible, while waves of pleasure washed over them.

Her lips traveled from his cheeks to his jawbone, tracing kisses all the way, returning to his lips to run her tongue through them sweetly, tasting him in every inch of skin she touched. She needed to engrave that taste, that smell in her, to carry it with her all the time she was going to be apart from him.

It was the third time they had to say goodbye, and by far, this was the worst.

On the first leg of the tour, Joey was nervous about the job and being apart from Gubler for three weeks. But now, she didn’t worry about the job at all. Matthew was everything she had in her mind. She didn’t want to turn into the woman who stopped being herself to be with a man. But Gubler had managed to change so many things in her, not even planning on it. And now she was having second thoughts about her priorities.

- "I’m about…"- the girl whispered, and her boyfriend nodded.

- "Me too…"- neither of them said another word. They just kissed long enough to cover their groans and whimpers, coming at the same time.

Neither of them moved. Matthew was still trying to catch his breath, and Joey couldn’t stop holding him close. She didn’t want to let him go. Never.

- "When you come back, this is gonna be our home"- he whispered sweetly in her ear, and she nodded- "And we are going to fill it with our memories."

He sweetly ran his fingers through her hair and looked into her eyes. She wasn’t able to answer. It was too much to take at the moment, so she just kissed him over and over again.

- "And I am going to fill you up with babies too"- he murmured in her ear, and she chuckled- "And they are gonna run around this house and wake us up early at Christmas morning. And we’ll come here to this very same room and open presents with them. And I will make you breakfast in that kitchen while you play with them and their new gifts…"

Joey bit her lips as tears rolled down her eyes.

- "Yami, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to."

- "I know… but it’s my job, and I want to work… but I don’t wanna be apart from you…"- he nodded and kissed the tip of the nose.

- "Tell you what, after this tour, we can take a few months off from traveling to spend them with your new husband, who is going to take the same amount of time off to be with you, and only with you"- the girl smiled and kissed him.

- "I can’t wait to marry you, Matthew Gray Gubler. Did you know that?"

Frank was crying. This was the saddest goodbye. It was getting harder for him to be far from home now that he had two baby girls. He was slightly rethinking his whole life. He loved music, he loved playing, he loved performing. But he loved his family most, and being apart from them was making everything too difficult.

Was it even worthy?

- "You could come to see us in London"- Frank said as he walked to his wife after packing his bag- "We are gonna have a week off to recover from the Japan jet lag, please come."

It wasn’t much of a request as it was a pleading. And Jamia could feel it.

- "Are you sure?"

- "I don’t wanna be apart from you for two months, I’m gonna miss the babies growing up"- she wrapped her arms around Frank’s neck and kissed his lips.

- "Of course, we can come, honey"- Jamia looked at him and cut him a warm smile, trying to ease his mind- "I am going to miss you too."

- "Thank you"- he rested his forehead on hers and sighed- "This is too much time apart."

- "I know."

- "I don’t wanna go."

- "Don’t be silly, once you start the tour, you are not going to be so sad. You are gonna have fun with your friends, and you are going to facetime us all the time… we’ll be in London together, that’s like in a week or something, so don’t feel sad, don’t cry, please."- Iero nodded and kissed his wife again.

- "After this tour, I’m gonna take you on the best vacations you’ve ever seen"- he said and smiled.

- "Aren’t you going to be sick and tired of traveling all over?"- she asked, frowning as she let him go and helped him finish packing more t-shirts.

- "Maybe, but I could use some all-inclusive time with my wife"- Jamia’s eyes shone.

- "You can’t take it back now"

- "I know"- he grinned and felt her hands on his cheeks, pulling him into a big kiss.

- "So, start the tour quickly so it finishes earlier and we can pick a beach to lie on for two weeks."

Gerard was in hell as he looked at all the bags by the door. Lynz had decided to go along with him on their trip to Japan, and he couldn’t convince her otherwise. Gerard needed to go back touring and be on her own with Joey. But he wasn’t going to be able to. Instead, he was going to keep his distance from her to avoid any suspicion from his wife.

The truth was, Lynz was already suspicious. She wasn’t blind. And just like Matthew, she could see the way her husband drooled every time he landed eyes on Joey, and she hated it. Deeply.

Lynz noticed the drummer wasn’t aware of that fact, but that didn’t mean she didn’t reciprocate her husband’s feelings. Had anything happened between them on tour? She couldn’t tell. Did Mikey know about this? She could ask him, but what if she ended up making a fool out of herself? She was the cool wife… she had never been jealous before. Never.

- "Are you sure you are not overpacking?"- Gerard yelled from the lobby and heard his wife replying from upstairs.

- "That’s all I need for a two weeks trip"- he closed his eyes and sipped his coffee. Two weeks.

- “Fuck”

- "Aren’t you excited?!"- Lynz walked over with one last bag and smiled at her husband- "You and me together in Tokyo, there’s so much we can do!"- he smiled and felt her arms around him and a peck on his lips.

- "Yeah! It’s fantastic!"- she frowned and looked right into his eyes.

- "Now make it seem like you mean it"

-  "What do you mean, baby?"

- "I’ve got the feeling you are not excited about me going with you on tour"

- “Deny! Deny!” Come on, babe! What makes you say so? You are so wrong!"

- "I know you, Gerard. And I know when you lie."

- "No! I am happy you are coming. I am just scared I won’t have so much time to wander around with you, and I don’t want you to get upset with me."

- "No honey, don’t worry"- she smiled and kissed him- "I can always wait for that week off in London, there are so much we can do there too"- he kissed her and looked at the hour.

- "We should get going."

Matthew Gray Gubler was crying as he kissed Joey for the hundredth time. They stood outside the international boarding door, and he sobbed as he wiped off the tears from her cheeks and kissed her over and over again.

Mikey looked from a safe distance while Gerard and his wife had already left, searching for their gate. Only by the look in Gubler’s eyes, Gerard knew the safest thing to do was say hello, goodbye, and hide. He felt how the actor’s glance threw daggers his way the whole time.

- "I love you so much"- Matthew whispered, and she nodded.

- "I swear I love you more."

- "I honestly doubt it"- he rubbed his lips against her and made her smile.

- "I made you cookies last night. I left them in a jar in your kitchen."

- "Marry me"- he quickly replied, and Joey laughed.

- "You already asked me, I said yes… which reminds me, I might need to put the engagement ring with your heart while I play. It hurts my hands playing with rings."

- "That’s cool, as long as you have it with you."

- "Always…"- she looked at him as tears filled her eyes again- "I’m gonna miss your birthday."

- "Yami, I don’t care about my birthday… we are gonna have the rest of our lives to have birthdays together"- but his words didn’t do a thing, ‘cos Joey was now crying like a little kid, making him cry as well.

- "I’m so sorry, Matthew"- she sobbed and sighed- "I should go… my door is gonna open in like half an hour."

- "Go…"- but neither of them moved.

- "I don’t know why I just feel like I’m never gonna see you again."

- "Don’t be silly, you’ll see me in a couple of weeks to prepare our wedding"- those words made Joey smile.

- "I love that idea."

- "See Mrs. Gubler? You are gonna have to see me again, in fact, I’m planning to see each other every day until we are old and grey."

- "Sounds like a nice plan"- Joey kissed him once more and sighed- "I love you, Gubs."

- "Me more."

- "Me most."

- "I packed a few extra Gubler’s shirts in your bag, just to make sure you’ve got enough of me to carry through Europe."

- "Marry me"- she quickly answered, and he chuckled, tears still falling from his eyes.

- "Sorry, I’m already taken"- he smiled and kissed her- "Call me when you land, I don’t care about the hour, just let me know you are safe"- she nodded and wrapped her arms tight around his neck.

- "I will… though I’ll be sixteen hours in the future."

- "That should be fun. Please tell me if humankind has already discovered teleportation in the future, so I can go be with you while I’m on breaks on the set."

- "Deal"- she smiled and sighed- "I’ll FaceTime you so many times you are going to need an extra phone ‘cos yours is going to be battery low forever."

Matthew held Joey’s face with both hands and pulled her into a deep, loving kiss. They just stared when they gasped for breath and smiled.

- "I love you."

- "Me too."

The trip to Osaka was long and awkward. Joey was glad Lynz was coming, ‘cos for once, and after months traveling with the band, she didn’t care about Gerard. The last break made her realize, she wasn’t crushing on him anymore. She was in love with her boyfriend, she was gonna marry him, and the hot guy in tight pants was nothing but a nice view while playing shows.

But Joey felt Gerard’s wife hated her. She wasn’t friendly with her at all, so the drummer decided the best thing to do was to back off and hang on her own most of the trip. Mikey was with her but sleeping pretty much the whole way. The rest of the band had taken a flight from Jersey to Osaka, and they were going to meet at the hotel. Mikey was looking forward to a nice comfortable bed and a warm meal.

- "You have to be kidding me"- the bassist woke up and found Joey next to him, watching Criminal Minds.

- "What? They had it, I just…"

- "You are so lame."

- "Shut up. Wanna help them find the unsub?"

- "No, wanna help me find an air hostess to get us a drink?"

- "It’s nine in the morning!"- Joey frowned, shocked.

- "Not in Osaka, over there is already… one in the morning! Shit, we are late and sober."

- "Shut up, Mikey."

Lynz looked around the plane and found Joey and Mikey laughing a few rows behind them.

- "Everything ok?"- Gerard asked and looked over too. Of course, his brother and the girl he had a crush on were laughing and enjoying their time.

- "Yeah, I just hadn’t heard Mikey so happy in a while."

- "Yeah"- Gerard quickly put on his headphones back on and continued reading. Lynz nodded and looked at him. He was crystal clear.

::: Japan, January 30, 2011 :::

Joey felt she was dead when she reached her bed. With the bit of energy left in her body, she managed to take off her shoes and facetime Matthew. That was everything she could do before falling asleep on the bed, fully dressed and holding the phone in her hand. Until someone knocked on her door.

- "Sushi time!!!"- Mikey yelled and rushed into her room with Frank.

- "What the fuck?"- the girl was lost in time and space.

- "Hey Iceland!"- Frank hugged her tight and spun her around.

- "Jersey… hey…"- she yawned and scratched her eyes, still half asleep- "What time is it?"

- "Late for lunch or early for dinner, your pick"- Mikey was somehow completely energized, and Frank followed.

- "How many coffees have you two had today?"

- "Two green teas"- Frank said and raised his hands.

- "Five coffees!!- Mikey jumped, and Joey chuckled- "Come on! I need to eat my whole weight in sushi!"

- "He tries to do the same every time we are in Japan… it hasn’t worked yet, but once he puked his weight"- Joey laughed at Frank’s story and walked to the bathroom.

- "Ok, kids. Give me a couple of minutes to get ready, I’m kinda hungry, but I think I want some fries."

- "Bummer!"- Mikey yelled and jumped on the girl’s bed- "Hurry up before someone else wakes up ad we have to wait for more people to get ready."

Mikey loved being in Japan. Why? It was the tour life all over again, and he loved it. He wasn’t home. He was with his friends all the time, so he was never on his own, overthinking everything going through his mind. Mikey needed a break from his life, and touring was the perfect way to avoid reality. Besides, he was on the other side of the world. There was no way he could add more distance between him and his ex. That made him feel relieved. It was like she wasn’t real anymore.

Worm was snoring at the back of the van as Frank, Joey, and Mikey toured around the city. They convinced her to stay awake until night to fight the jet lag, so they kept drinking coffee and looking around the city. Joey was on fire. In her whole life, she had imagined she could go to Japan. She couldn’t believe it. Life had turned out pretty well for her after all those years. It was like she deserved to be happy after the miserable days back in the orphanage. Maybe that was karma. And it was time to enjoy the sunny days.

- "I want a kimono for Akumu!"- she yelled and woke Worm up as soon as they saw a kimono store when the van parked.

- "Iceland, there is no way we can go out on our own in Japan"- Mikey warned

- "Why?"

- "‘Cos… Worm?"- the bassist turned to their friend and bodyguard, and he explained.

- "Though people here are completely respectful, sometimes it gets too crowded."

- "Meaning?"- the drummer didn’t get it.

- "There are too many of them"- Joey nodded at Worm’s words and thought about it for a second.

- "I’ll tell you guys what, park the van, I’ll go to that store, buy Matthew a kimono, and run back to the van in less than fifteen minutes"- no one answered- "There is no way on earth people know me here."

- "Joey"- Iero tried to argue, but the girl didn’t let him.

- "Frank"- she simply replied and raised an eyebrow.

- "I’m not gonna let you go alone"- Worm said and moved over- "Come on, Let’s get Doctor Spencer Reid a kimono"- the girl chuckled as the bodyguard gave instructions to the driver to take them to the best kimono store around.

- "Thank you"- Joey answered and smiled at Worm.

- "Why does Gubler like kimonos so much?"- Frank asked, frowning.

- "His grandma brought him one from Japan when he was a kid, and he has kept it his whole life. I think it would be an excellent addition to bring him a new one for his collection."

- "He collects them now?"

- "Yes"- the drummer answered and looked at her phone.

- "Hey, Jamia is coming to London"- Frank announced.

- "Awesome!"- Joey nearly jumped with the news- "I like Jamia."

- "Really?"- Frank sounded surprised.

- "Yeah! She is adorable! And the babies are so cute!!"

- "Well, I’m glad ‘cos she is gonna be there for a whole week. And I’m guessing you are gonna have to help to change diapers."

- "Deal!"- Joey grinned and thought about it- "Maybe I should ask Matthew if he can come along to London too."

- "Jamia would love you even more if you do"- the three of them chuckled at those words - "She was so embarrassing in New Year."

- "Matthew couldn’t believe it when I told him she was crushed on him."

- "She was so obvious! He didn’t notice it?"

- "I don’t know"- Joey thought about it for a second- "Maybe he is used to people acting weird around him… doesn’t it happen to you too?"- the two musicians thought about it, and Worm chuckled.

- "You are the only girl I’ve seen acting human around them in years"- he said, and Joey laughed

- "I get it now."

The idea of Matthew visiting her in London gave Joey a refreshed energy and something to look forward to in her near future. Was he going to say yes? He had a tight schedule, but maybe he could take some time off for her, perhaps a few days. It was a long trip, yes, but… they could be together. That was always good. The girl decided to wait to call him that night and ask him if he was willing to make the trip. She kept her hopes high, though, ‘cos she knew he missed her as well.

- "I’m so sorry, Yami. I can’t make it"- Matthew answered and saw his girlfriend’s eye water up in a second.

- "But why?"

- "I had already thought about it when I saw your schedule, but that’s the week I start rolling the movie, and I can’t just leave."

- "I understand, Akumu"- she mumbled, laid in her bed, dressed in one of his shirts.

- "I’m so sorry, baby"- he whispered and yawned. It was eight in the morning in Los Angeles, and Gubler was getting ready to work.

- "It’s ok… I get it. You have to work too."

- "I swear I’m gonna look for a date to visit you as soon as I can."

- "Thanks."

- "I have to go now, I need to shower"- the girl nodded at his words and smiled as he showed her the jar of cookies she had made him- "I already ate half of them."

- "Enjoy them, Akumu. I’m going to sleep ‘cos I’m dying."

- "Ok, Yami. Talk to you later."

- "Yeah, I’ll call you when I wake up."

- "Love you."

- "Me too."

The call ended, and Joey kept staring at the screen for a few seconds. One day without him and she was already suffering like she hadn’t suffered any of the earlier times. Why?

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts and made her wonder who would knock at her door at midnight. She had said goodnight to Frank, Ray, and Mikey after dinner.

- "Hey, Gerard"- the girl said, surprised as soon as she found him standing outside her room- "What are you doing here?"

- "I just…"- the singer was nervous. He stared at Joey and didn’t say a word for a few seconds.

- "You just?"- the girl asked and kept waiting for an answer.

- "I just wanted to check on you."

- "Thanks, I was about to go to bed, though I might have had three coffees too many, you? Where’s Lynz?"- it hurt Gerard to see Joey so careless about the fact his wife was there. It was like she was even enjoying it.

- “But why? Doesn’t she want to spend time with me? Didn’t she miss me?” She was tired and decided to take a bath."

- "That’s a good choice"

- "Can I come in?"- Joey opened the door completely and watched Gerard Way walking in.

- "So, how was your break?"- the girl sat on her bed and looked at Gee, who kept walking in circles around the room.

- "It was good. Are you mad at me?"- he simply asked, straight to the point, and turned to the girl, who frowned, confused.

- "No, why?"

- "'Cos you are not talking to me."

- "I’m talking now."

- "Yeah, but… you feel distant"- Joey sighed and stared at the singer thinking her answer with a rational and cold mind, for the very first time since she met him.

- "We have never been real close, Gerard"- and that hurt him- "It’s not like we are best friends."

- "Yeah, but it feels like you don’t want to be near me."

- "I don’t have a reason to be near you,"- and that hurt him again, 'cos it meant she didn’t care.

- “There’s no way she doesn’t care. She just has to be excusing herself cos Lynz is here.”

- "Sorry, that didn’t come out right"- Joey excused herself and shook her head, trying to rearrange her thoughts.

- “Thank God.”- Way nearly sighed.

- "What I meant was we haven’t shared so much, and you have been with your wife since we reached the airport. So… no, I’m not mad at you, we just haven’t had time to talk, or whatever."

Joey was so proud of herself she could have clapped if she was alone. She was talking with Gerard, not feeling nervous or… creaming her undies.

- "I see."

- "But we can hang out tomorrow. My plan is breakfast, practice morning, lunch, practice, soundcheck, show. I guess I’ll see you on the soundcheck, we can hang out, have coffee, you can catch me up with everything you did on your break, did you have fun?"- the girl yawned and kept looking at Gerard with a warm smile. Where did the temptation go? It just vanished.

- "Yes, it was very fun"- he answered and sighed, absolutely disappointed.

- "Great! You can tell me all about it tomorrow. Right now, I need to sleep."

- "Sure, sorry for coming so late."

- "Don’t worry"- Joey stood up and was about to walk him to the door when Gerard wrapped his arms around her. She didn’t know how to react to it, so she just stayed still for a second. He smelled so good. That hadn’t changed. But he didn’t feel like a magnet anymore. It still felt weird to be hugged by him. Like… it was dangerous somehow.

- "Sleep tight, ok?"- Gerard moved slightly apart from her but made sure to stay close enough to feel her perfume around him and kissed her cheek. She nodded and felt her knees shake. He could make her nervous; that was a fact.

Gerard was hot, caring, and he was holding her tight. But it was wrong. It felt wrong. And Joey didn’t want to be under those circumstances again.

- "Ok, goodnight"- she moved away from him quickly, making him feel rejected. Gerard Way, rejected? He tried not to make eye contact with her and walked outside the room. Joey stared at the door to make sure he was gone and scratched her eyes in disbelief.

- “What the fuck was that?”- she asked herself in shock- “Was Gerard hitting on me? That felt weird. It didn’t feel naive…. It wasn’t friendly… his eyes… it felt he was trying to get me naked… what the fuck?”

The girl laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to analyze what had happened. She couldn’t find any logical reason to explain Gerard’s behavior. He had been awkward since the moment he stepped into the room. Then he had hugged her for no reason, and then he stared at her from the smallest distance possible. He kissed her cheek, so gently, so slowly, like he was kissing her lips. Sure, he was hot, sure, she had been attracted to him before, but that didn’t mean under any circumstances that she was going to cave in and kiss him.

- “Yeah, I’ve had fantasies, like the kind of fantasies I have with Chris Hemsworth… fuck, he is hot.”

The girl made a pause, ‘cos her thoughts started drifting to the actor.

- “But hell no! I’m not making out with Gerard. He is married, I’m going to be married, and I am not interested, thank you very much”.

Japan was a blast. It was a lot of work, and it was wearing because of the insane jet lag, but mostly, it had been amazing. And for Joey was special too, 'cos Mikey hadn’t seemed that happy ever since she first met him.

But talking with Matthew had been hard. Japan was 16 hours ahead of time, and he was either sleeping or working when she could speak. The same for him. The girl couldn’t wait to reach London to be in a more normal time zone. At least there, she was going to be just nine hours ahead of him.

::: London, February 12th, 2011 :::

Joey walked around Frank’s room holding Cherry while Jamia changed Lily’s diaper. Frank was carrying all of the suitcases downstairs to take his wife and babies to the airport. They had spent an amazing week together in London. Even Joey was sad to know Jamia was leaving. She loved the babies and, just as Frank had warned her, she had had to babysit for them a couple of times, with Ray and Mikey, while Frank and his wife had a couple of dates.

- "If you need anything for the wedding, please don’t doubt and call me, or text me, this is my number"- Mrs. Iero smiled at Joey and gave her a little paper.

- "Thank you, Jamia."

- "I don’t know if you have any married friends in Los Angeles or someone with some wedding experience to give you a hand with all the preparations."

- "I don’t, actually"- the girl whispered, blushing- "I don’t have any kind of idea or clue about what I have to do."

- "Oh shit! This is so exciting!"- and Jamia nearly jumped as she stared at the drummer- "Then I’m gonna have to go help you in person “And hang out your hot fiancé!! Maybe I can help him pick up the tuxedo for the ceremony… maybe I can watching changing outfits over and over and over again.”

- "Jamia, Jamia"- Frank stood in front of his wife and waved- "Earth to Jamia!"

- "Sorry! I was… lost in thoughts. I wanna help Joey with the wedding."

- "Don’t worry, Jamia, I don’t wanna be trouble"- Joey smiled awkwardly as Frank took Cherry from her arms and kissed his baby’s chubby cheeks.

- "Don’t be silly. It’s no trouble. I love to help."

- "You love the groom, face it"- Frank joked, making Joey laugh immediately as Jamia hit his arm a couple of times.

- "Shut up!!"

- "It’s ok, Jamia. I’ll call you in case I need any help, so… I’ll call you a lot of times"- Jamia smiled and gave Joey a small hug.

- "Take care."

- "You too! Thank you for hanging out with me."

- "Don’t be silly!"- Jamia chuckled- "I had a great time! Please, if my husband does something stupid, don’t doubt and hit him"- Joey burst out laughing, and Frank chuckled.

- "Jeez, you really trust me."

- "I actually know you, Paco. I’m not guessing here. I’m talking facts"- the woman stuck out her tongue to her husband and looked at Joey again- "And if he tries to get you into more tattoos."

- "He already got me two, but the last one was too painful, so this might be it."

- "I told you, the ribs are the worst, but you wanted your last name there, and it was your birthday gift"- Iero chuckled and messed with Joey’s hair.

Jamia liked knowing Frank was, in fact, a friend to Joey and that she wasn’t a threat to her in any way.

- "Ok, come on, I’ll take you to the airport"- Joey waved, and Frank nodded- "See you later, Bug"- the three of them walked outside the room, and Joey walked to her door.

- "Hey Lynz"- the drummer said, surprised to find her outside her room- "What are you doing here?"

- "I was looking for… Gerard"- she said and frowned, disappointed, or maybe surprised, to find he wasn’t with her.

- "I haven’t seen him. I was with Jamia helping her getting the babies ready for the flight"- Joey smiled and opened the door.

- "Can I talk to you for a second?"- and her stomach jumped at those words immediately.

- "Sure, what is it? Please, come in."

Lynz walked into Joey’s room and sighed, trying to set her speech straight, to don’t fuck it up and look like a psycho killer. That would make everything worse. She had managed to stay calm around her husband, though every day, she was more and more certain Gerard had a crush on Joey.

- "I’m sorry to bother you, I just… needed to know your opinion, as a woman."

- "Tell me… wow, this is weird, no one ever asks my opinion as a woman"- Joey joked and sat Indian style on her bed- "Please, make yourself home."

- "Thanks"- Lynz sat next to her and smiled- "I just needed to know if Gerard has been weird with you or something."

And Joey’s cheek turned red right away.

- "Weird? Weird like what?"- she honestly asked, thinking there was no way Mrs. Way knew her husband was a flirt with Joey. ‘Cos he was.

- "I don’t know… has he tried anything with you?"

- "What? No!"- the drummer widened her eyes in shock- "We don’t even spend time alone"- which was true- "And we are not even that close"- also true- "So there’s no way he could have tried anything with me."

Joey tried to calm herself down a little bit and looked into Lynz’s eyes.

- "Why would you ask me such a thing? Did something happen?"

- "No. I just know him, and I feel he is maybe a little crush on you"- Lynz was honest with Joey, ‘cos she felt she didn’t reciprocate his husband’s feelings. Maybe by talking about it, she could make sure Joey would stay away from the singer.

- "Shit! No!"- Joey quickly answered, still in shock- "Lynz, I swear nothing has happened with Gerard! And there is no way anything could ever happen with Gerard"- and Joey meant every word.

- "Thank you"- Lynz sighed and looked at the woman sitting in front of her- "I don’t mean to be a psychopath weird bitchy wife, I just…"- she made a pause and scratched her head with closed eyes- "Sometimes he spends so much time away… it makes me doubt."

- "Of him?"

- "Of everything, I guess… maybe after what happened with Alicia and Mikey."

- "She cheated, right?"- Mrs. Way nodded at Joey’s question- "She is still your friend"

- "Yes, but it got weird… and it makes me wonder if my relationship with Gerard could ever get to that point of no return"- Lynz was playing the empathy card with Joey- "Have you ever felt like you and Matthew are growing apart while you are away?"

The drummer’s heart stopped at the thought, and her hand unconsciously reached the necklace he had given her.

- "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out."

- "Don’t worry, I guess it’s something we are all worried about at some point."

Joey was sincere, sensing maybe Lynz was honest and vulnerable around her. She didn’t really swallow a lot of crap from people, but she knew Gerard had acted strange with her, so maybe his wife was right.

- "But about me, don’t worry. Gerard hasn’t tried anything weird, and I am not looking for anything weird with him either"- Joey cut her a warm smile- "We are not that close. I’ve always felt he is still not sure about having me in the band, so…"

- "Don’t worry, I get it"- Lynz wanted to believe her, ‘cos she seemed sincere- "Anyway, I don’t wanna freak you out, I better go finish packing."

- "You are leaving?"- Joey frowned as the two of them stood up and walked to the door- "Why?"

- "I’ve got to work, and you will be stuck in a bus with the band for the following weeks. I don’t want to be you"- Joey burst out laughing, thinking she was right.

- "Mikey farting, that’s something I don’t miss"- the two women were still laughing when Gerard appeared as soon as Joey opened the door.

- "Gee"- Lynz frowned, and the singer froze, feeling caught.

- "Hey… what are you doing here?"- he asked and looked at his wife, not knowing what to do.

- "I was hanging out with Joey, you?"

- "I wanted to ask Joey if she had seen you. I reached our room, and you weren’t there, and I can’t find the guys either"- his excuse smelled like bullshit, and everybody knew it- "Besides, I wanted to remind you today we are leaving right away after the show, so you should get your bags into the bus soon"- Joey nodded and turned to Lynz.

- “Shit, now she is going to think I was lying to her” Yes, Ray already called me to remind me that, and Mikey said he was coming in a while to help me taking everything downstairs."

-" Great"- Lynz kept looking at her husband, and Joey kept wondering what to do next.

- "I’m gonna get ready for the show then"- the drummer said and turned to the other girl- "I’m sorry we didn’t have more time to hang out."

A part of her was honest. Joey didn’t want Lynz to leave thinking she was trying to steal her husband, ‘cos she wasn’t.

- "Thanks"- Lynz looked at her and cut her a smile, meeting Joey’s apologetic eyes.

- "And I meant it, everything I said… about Mikey"- Gerard frowned right away. What were those two talking about on their own?- "He hasn’t been weird, but if he is, I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid"- the two of them stared at each other, and finally, Lynz nodded.

- "Thanks, I trust you’d do the right thing."

- "What about my brother?"

- "We were just talking about him and Alicia"- Lynz lied and held her husband's hand- "Come on, let’s leave Joey do her things, see you later."

- "Yes! Later!"

The drummer closed the door behind her back and sighed. What the fuck was going on?

**

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