#everyone I know is so unwell

[romanticize-until-you-drop]

2024-03-07

There’s really nothing like being a science student: that feeling of both drowning in work and stress but also somehow enjoying it at the same time.

[dog-teeth]

something to recognize that choosing recovery again and again is difficult work, and you are not weak for faltering

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

something i've been thinking about:

Wally is set up as a sort of "main character" by the whrp. he's said in the site's description of the show to have introduced the main theme/lesson of the day's episode, and then the rest of the neighbors join him on his escapades. but then we have our first glimpses of everyone's actual dynamics and characters through the audios and you look at Wally and its like

first of all, thats an npc. second, nearly everybody else has severe main character syndrome

but its fascinating how Wally is just kind of... There. he doesnt talk much. he doesnt contribute beyond a couple of lines. its more like he joins the others on their shenanigans. he fades into the background. he's off to the side while everyone else holds conversations & leads the moment

Wally, despite being described as Thee character, is borderline background.

& whats even more interesting, within his individual secret audio files and interactions - he's almost chatty. not only that but the way he talks is more confident and faster paced. he's taking initiative. he can be kinda pushy. when talking to the qa/whrp/Us, he acts more like the character his descriptions portray. he acts more like a person instead of a puppet waiting for his next cue

I cant tell if - when around the neighbors - his tepid milk behavior is a purposeful act or if he's masking. and if he's masking, is it deliberate or involuntary? and in regards to both, why is he acting so different? It could be tied to what he's trying to accomplish. if he's trying to "restore" Welcome Home, it would make sense for him to act as he does around the neighbors - he wouldnt want to clue them in that he knows so much more than he's letting on, would he?

but then that begs another train of thought - what if he isn't acting or masking? if there is a time discrepancy between Wally's interactions with the qa/whrp/Us & the more 'official' audios, that could explain the difference in behavior. we could be getting glimpses into "future" (read: current) Wally, who's had much more time to figure himself out since we can safely assume he started out as a blank slate. we could be seeing a more experienced Wally than the one seen with his friends.

of course that line of thinking loses some merit when considering the 14 "bug" audios. or it could lend to it... if we're seeing a more experienced Wally but his friends are only seeing what he allows them to. it's still him, just... a carefully curated version.

in general it could really tie into the themes of identity and change and being other, to me. when you're so different - or you feel so different - that you can't bring yourself to be your most authentic you around your friends. when you feel like you have to hold back and be who you think they expect you to be, or what would be most palatable. most normal. will they accept you as you really are? there's always the fear and terror that the people you consider closest to you won't. or when you're so scared of change that you'll shove down & lock away parts of yourself so that you can keep things as you are. because once they know you've changed, so will they. and really, do you want to even accept that you've changed? what if that's what scares you most of all - that you're different, you've metamorphosized, you can't go back to the way things were because you yourself are no longer the person you were before. there is no reversing this no matter how much you try or pretend

[0bstinate]

sukugo on 'it is not enough to love you. it is not enough to want you destroyed.'

tullipsink, desperation sits heavy on my tongue / Gege Akutami, Jujutsu Kaisen / Florence + the Machine, I’m Not Calling You a Liar / Ernest Hemingway, Notes from Old Man and the Sea / Agustín Gómez Arcos, The Carnivorous Lamb / Frank Bidart / twinnedpeaks, journal excerpt, july first / Japanese Breakfast, Boyish / José Olivarez, I Wake in a Field of Wolves with the Moon / Yves Olade, When Rome Falls / heavensghost, Dead Girls Don’t Lie / Charles Bukowski, Raw With Love / Richard Siken, Wishbone / Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

[gideonisms]

I will admit I hate the trend towards measuring how Healthy fictional relationships are. they're not breakfast cereals! we don't need to measure the amount of fiber! even if it did matter how much fiber a fictional relationship has "healthy" is also a very general, vibes-based word for concepts that I think we probably should get more specific about

[toaster-fire-art]

guess who binge read jjk in a night :')

[rollforjackass]

i could KILL him for this. motherfucker's every interaction with children has him being, if not nice, then at minimum kind and forgiving and genuinely invested in their wellbeing.

he asks crying kids what's the matter, he's afraid to hold a baby because he's worried he'll drop it, he goes after people who are mean to kids without a second thought. his whole mentorship with timothy hunter is him trying to do right by that kid no matter how he feels about it at the time. man would be the most loving dad in the world but because of his own awful goddamn father and the ways he thinks he takes after thomas, he doesn't think that's true. i hate.

[rainysheen]

no but the fact that it was Crisanta who tried to prevent the birth of the Child and defeat Eviterno and the confraternities in the first place, just like she had been the one chosen originally by the Fourth Visage to receive the holy wound of abnegation and the one meant to destroy the High Wills

she's been such a pivotal character since the beginning and was such an important ally during our journey, there's no way that she'd just die like that and not even appear with all the other people who helped us

there's definitely going to be a DLC or some content related to her in the future (the post credit cutscene seems way too intentional to be inconsequential) and hopefully she'll be able to finish her penitence and finally be at peace in the end

[nerosdayinanime]

fuckign obsessed with sabigiyu... sabito's tough and snarky and brash when hes around people but then see him with giyuu and hes the biggest fucking puppy... constantly touching and being affectionate whenever he can, harshly stopping/snapping at anyone who tries to badmouth giyuu or even looks at him wrong, always glancing back when hes talking looking for giyuu's attention and recognition- he so freely displays his love and its just so sickeningly sweet to anyone around as witness

giyuu's a youngest child too, you know he'd eat that shit up. he fucking loves how much sabito spoils him- the occasional time sabito tries to be stern or ignores him all he has to do is bat his eyes and raise the corners of his mouth and sabito near immediately caves to whatever he wants. anything to see giyuu's full smile, and giyuu never hesitates with him

they know exactly what the other wants at a given moment, know when to be soft and sweet or when to be rough and wild- quietly sitting together close enough for their thighs to touch and enjoying the warmth of eachother's presence to playfully pushing buttons until the other snaps and gives their full attention to grappling the other to the ground. they'd both stop at the drop of a dime for the other for whatever reason needed, lovingly teasing and calling the other an idiot the whole way out

[toastybugguy]

one of those days when shit just happens to you and you realize you probably will never get closure and will have to learn how to cope with it on your own. good god. where is the fucking rewind button!!

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

[lottieurl]

yellowjackets "pilot" & "friends, romans, countrymen" // becket or the honour of god by jean anouilh

[untitled-gem]

imagine having ur entire life taken away from you because of an item you purchased for the sole purpose of studying. imagine that item driving you away from everyone you love and causing your mind to slowly deteriorate until you cant be around anyone anymore without hurting them even if not intentionally. imagine living as this cold and morally messed up shell of a man for 1000 years. imagine ur fiancée from the past going insane trying to save u and eventually ending up sacrificing herself to make you YOU again but now you dont even want to be you. now imagine everybody in your life reminding u of the man u used to be and talking about how fun and awesome and cool he was when u said urself u would rather die than be him again. now ur in a world where u dont understand anything and everybody just seems to want the old you back, and ur fiancée is gone and ur daughter doesnt need u so u dont have a purpose anymore. even the people who didnt know the old u always talk about how fun he must've been as if it wasnt the worst time of ur entire life. NO WONDER HE IS GIVING UP!!!!!!!

[weird-life-of-a-closet-fangirl]

everyone forgot fabian and i gasped so loud i choked on my own spit

[starsailores]

why must the energy and desire to write always hit at the worst time (assignment season)

[bonesaremoney]

So I’m reading the Exorcist and book version Damien has a chokehold on my heart and soul

And I’m too brain blocked to write fanfiction even though I’d love to read this or write it lmao BUT

I’m just losing it over the idea that Damien is a little vain, keeping his hair longer than the other priests because deep down he’s always thought it was pretty, got complimented on it, etc, but at the same time he feels immensely guilty for wanting to look pretty because he’s a *priest* and also deeply deeply in the closet about being queer, and of course isn’t vanity supposed to be a sin? And on top of the Catholic guilt, he feels ashamed of even being a priest anymore when he feels like his faith is gone.

Anyway, his hair isn’t *long-long,* but it’s longer than any of the other priests’, and it makes him stand out, adds to his intensity. Still he keeps it. He doesn’t dress flashily, we know that- only his vestments, workout clothes or pajamas. He doesn’t live extravagantly or want to. But he has his pretty, flippy 1970s mop top.

It gets him noticed, gets a few comments here and there. He’s not really sure why he ignores all the subtle suggestions from the bishop that he should get a haircut, and he’s even less sure why he’s so heartbroken over it when he finally caves and has it done. He feels like he’s lost something significant, like nothing is tying him to the man he was when he was a boxer and his mom was alive and he had plans for the future.

He just feels completely empty and even when friends try to tease him gently and get him out of his room he just kind of lays there curled in on himself and won’t talk to the person, but it’s clear he doesn’t want to be alone either. He just can’t explain the waves of conflicting emotions, so he doesn’t. He cries but it doesn’t help, it isn’t cathartic. There’s just no comforting him, but even so, no one is willing to try very hard lest people get *ideas* (like the priest who mentioned wanting to put his arm around someone but was afraid the other priest would think he was gay).

Anyway TLDR someone needs to just let Damien lay his head in their lap and pet him and tell him he’s beautiful and that it’s okay

Edit- and then just him slowly opening up to that person, like maybe a layperson professor who eases him out of his shell and back into the world and slowly they start having feelings for each other 😭 god this man is touch starved and barely smiles and THEN.

I wish I was writing bc I have to read this