#everything started from misunderstanding and lack of knowledge

[hopefull-mindset]

A Much Needed Overview

I’ve been brought to a point of feeling the need to discuss the abuse depicted in Bungou Stray Dogs. This isn’t the brightest topic to speak about and I understand why people are reluctant to speak in detail about something as serious as this. It’s not easy, so I’ll be the brave face today because I feel disappointed about the lack of deep discussion beyond the popular topic of “The Abuse Cycle”.

I’m happy that it’s at least brought up amongst everyone as something that exists, I’m happy that people feel as though it’s something to talk about, but I don’t think most understand how to act about it. It’s never as cut and dry as how it’s depicted in most other pieces of media or how people speak about it in general. That is why I am thankful for its depiction here. Not saying that nobody speaks about it with clarity, but it’s not the majority, unfortunately.

I especially felt this was a good time to address this because of the reaction towards Asagiri’s thoughts on Dazai and Akutagawa’s relationship in the recent magazine interview. The outrage is not from nowhere, I was also taken aback at first, but to claim Asagiri “doesn’t even know his own story” is incredibly self-entitled considering the story isn’t done, nor are you the one writing this. If you read the story, no way is Asagiri justifying anything that happened. Please look at the question that is being asked, does it say “Do you think what Dazai did is morally right?” Of course, it isn’t.

Not to be rude but before you start questioning the writer himself if he’s read his own story, have you read it? Please keep in mind the fact this is only a magazine interview and doesn't reflect every nuance. Asagiri doesn't need to go “Oh yeah, this thing that’s bad is bad” every two seconds to explain himself. Asagiri’s writing decisions can be questionable and cannot be uncritiqued, but I’m going to have to defend him on this account.

I’m not sure if any warnings are needed concerning the subject matter considering most BSD fans know what I’m about to go over, but to be clear, please only read this when you’re in a well enough headspace for heavy matters such as this. I am not going to be talking lightly in any of this or dance around what’s happened between any of the characters, abuse is harder to talk about compared to other acts of violence that are objectively worse because it’s a more personal act that too many can find themselves in.

Finally, I do not want to speak about my own experiences online because I’ve only come to terms recently with it and they do not reflect everyone’s response to depictions of abuse in all media. Some things are very uncomfortable to admit about me that I haven’t told anyone, that no one would be able to take well even if they were my closest friend. This isn’t about me at all and there is no point in saying more about my reality, but I think my perspective might help people enlighten themselves on how truly complicated situations like this are.

What is Abuse?

Surprise, we need to go over this before any discussion about BSD happens because a lot misunderstand what abuse is. It's disheartening that the term has been so simplified that nobody knows what it means anymore. Don't substitute words for abuse or use abuse as a substitute for other terms. Abuse as a concept is quite hard to pin down with words and there are many ways to describe it, but by definition in the context that it’s directed to another person, abuse is:

To target and mistreat someone, causing them harm or distress in a repetitive manner

This by itself does not describe the grand scope of everything and probably might make you more confused, but it’s a great place to start and does describe what is directed to the victim. Many sources will use varied wording, but it’s the general knowledge that someone is being hurt to a fundamental level that makes it abuse.

Does the abuser need to intentionally hurt someone for it to be abused? Yes, but not in the way you think. Most abusers are not hurting their victims for the sake of just hurting them, that’s illogical, they’re doing it for something. Some examples include either for themselves in some way or what they think is for their victim’s “own benefit”. Even worse is when they genuinely believe it because they’ve also grown up in an environment that has that same mentality and reflects on themselves.

So yes, it’s intentional in that they’re doing it for a purpose. No matter their intention though, “selfless” or not, it’s still a selfish act in itself that they think that imposing their own will through harmful methods is what the victim needs. The abuse doesn’t need to be physically harming another for it to be abuse. As long as it’s harming you emotionally or otherwise and making you raise flags in your head, it’s abuse.

It sounds strange, but I'm saying it’s intentional because you’re still an intended target of their abuse whether they realize it themself or not. Abuse needs to repeat a form of distress in you to be abuse. For example, does one instance of physical violence against you count as abuse when it never happens again? Well, you need to think about the context. Usually, this would just be assault and that’s it, but is it left hanging in the air to happen again when you interact with them? Do you feel afraid for your well-being, even though it doesn’t happen again?

That’s still abuse, the psychological kind. Typically when abusers resort to physical means, it’s gonna happen again eventually. In this hypothetical instance, however, the point is that repeated distress does not mean repeated actions. It does not need to happen the same way for you to feel unsafe, it just needs to have power over you. Manipulation does not always equal abuse either. It’s a tactic used by abusers, but unless paired up with other actions, it doesn’t fit the criteria of abuse. Context matters when you examine what abuse is.

Here comes the tricky parts that are acknowledged less: When the abuser is someone you’ve relied on in your childhood, in a detrimental part of your life, or someone you care about that you put importance in, and it makes it hard to fully hate that person. What the abuser has done to the victim does not entirely reflect them as people, even if it’s still an important part of them that needs to be addressed.

Abusive people are not only defined by their awful actions, they’re not pure monsters like most love to pretend they are. It’s just easier to think that because accepting that they’re just a multifaceted human being hurts too much when you’re on the receiving end of their worse behavior. But what happens when you’re on the receiving end of both? You try to justify it the way the abuser is because you can’t accept that what’s happening is bad and not something everyone goes through. After all, they treat you decent enough sometimes.

Something so many people need to get into their heads already is that abusers can be victims and vice versa, but just because your abuser went through something themselves or is important to you, doesn’t mean you have to forgive them. Abuse is not forgivable just like that, you can rebuild a relationship beyond that if you’re able to, It’s not a “forgive-and-forget” thing.

Not everyone experiences and responds to abuse the same way, some hate their abusers fully, some can’t bring themselves to, and some don’t even know what to think, but there are so many who don’t feel one way that regarding all abusers as heartless monsters completely invalidates so many stories and their difficult experiences. I have a huge grudge against people like this who restrict abusive situations to just looking like one thing, this is why so many don’t even know that their situations are abusive.

Portrait of a Father

Chapter 39 reflects my points the most, and at the same time, it also turns out to be one of the most controversial chapters. It surprised me that it is, but maybe I shouldn’t be considering how most people on the internet act about abuse. It’s a lovely chapter to me personally and one of my favorites.

If you need a refresher, this is the chapter the Orphanage Director died in and leaves Atsushi in an emotional frenzy about what to think and believe. I know that the underlying message of this chapter is confusing to some, but it hit me in the face point blank on how this is about facing your abuser’s death without any personal conclusion with them.

Being sent on an investigation, Atsushi, after finding out the body was the Director, is stunned and scared because he knows nothing of the director other than his cruelty. He immediately assumes the worst and that he was coming after him again. Atsushi’s thoughts against him are entirely… on purpose in the director’s intentions because we find out that he has gone through so much violence and loss himself that he’s projecting his own will onto Atsushi and making sure he’d “survive in the real world”. So he became his first figure of hate and violence earlier in his life so he’d be “prepared for what comes next”.

I know so many take the backstory for the director as a way to justify what he did to Atsushi in the narrative, but it was just to put into context why he was so cruel. Abusers are never cruel for no reason, that never makes it right, but it’s reality. Atsushi was not the only one in the orphanage who was treated badly, he was singled out by the director most likely for an ability he couldn't control because the headmaster knew he’d get the most trouble for it, and unfortunately… he was right.

Akutagawa being his informant in this chapter makes perfect sense. He can see that what the director was for Atsushi is what Dazai is for him. No matter how terrible their actions were, it’s what kept them alive for so long. It’s not pleasant to confront, is it? Atsushi agrees because when he gets the information that the Director was going to congratulate him with the flowers he was going to buy by selling the gun he had on him, he freaks out. No way the guy he was raised so long to hate, the guy who put him through so much suffering, was going to congratulate him.

I know to some, Dazai’s talk with Atsushi sounded like he was justifying what happened because “it made him a good person in the end”, but that’s not what’s being said. This conclusion I’ve seen some people come to about this conversation confuses me. Dazai is just saying the obvious, you guys get all shocked and it weirds me out how easily it’s been glossed over that the reason Atsushi is so self-sacrificial and trying to do the good thing is because of the director. The reason he puts himself so much on the front lines is because he needs that worth in being good to live and prove the director wrong, he was raised to see that type of person is the most ideal person to live in this world.

After everything that’s been dumped onto him in such a short time, so much inner conflict of what to think of a dead man he no longer can have any personal closure with, he asks Dazai what face he should make, what he should think at this moment. Dazai tells him that they’re his emotions and he can think however he’d like, but commonly someone cries when their father dies. So he cries, because ultimately no matter his treatment, no matter the intent and its effects, it’s still the man who raised him. It’s flawed, but that’s what a father is stripped bare at its core definition and that won’t change no matter your feelings.

Now that I’m done summarizing this chapter and making sure you guys understood the point and how it spells out their relationship, I can finally talk freely about what was happening between them. When it comes to familial abuse, generational trauma is so prevalent it’s hard not to talk about. The director is quite reflective of so many parents who were raised to grow up too early in harsh environments, that they think they need to prepare their children for it too, even though it’s no longer needed.

You don’t need to like someone for them to be important to you, especially if it’s a parent in your life or someone close to that. That’s why Atsushi cries. He cries for the director, he cries for himself, he cries that it’s finally over, he cries for the kindness he could’ve gotten even if it wouldn’t have fixed anything, he cries for the father that never was, he cries because his father is dead. It’s perfectly normal to keep someone close in your heart that wasn’t perfect and to grieve their death.

Was the director successful in what he was aiming for? I want to say no, but he did. He succeeded in making Atsushi think of others in a good light and do good for them, making Atsushi resent him, and giving him the ability to keep going. Hell raised him right, but it was still hell. The problem is that his teachings were based on degrading Atsushi into being nothing but a life he should put aside in favor of others. Even if he continued hating the director like he wanted, he would still degrade himself for being a coward who didn’t hold himself to those standards. The result is not perfect because the director is not perfect, but in his position, this is a success.

The director for a while was his shadow of negative encouragement when he joined the agency, what kept him going in those moments, because he was what defined good, bad, and justice for him in his entire childhood. Even if he was dead, he’d still linger in his mind. I can’t parse out what to think about these hallucinations forming Akutagawa and Dazai to guide him later on, all it tells me is that he still can’t rely on or trust himself and he needs more development in his self-image issues.

I see why fans are confused, hell raising us right is a bizarre thing to say to a victim, so let me show you a perspective you're not seeing. Let's imagine you have an abusive mother who only wants you to be prepared for the things you're undoubtedly going to experience because of what you can't control. What she did does help you, but all that goes through your head is “Why couldn't she have done it differently without my own suffering?” The only thoughts that come rushing back when you think of those memories are the unnecessary pains. It takes a lot for a victim to acknowledge this on their own, they want to push back at the past so they don't have to see this plain reality.

Like anyone else that I’m going to bring up in this post, just because the abuse made them who they are or affected who they became, even when it keeps us going through life and benefits us in some way, does not make the abuse justified. Abuse is still abuse, I addressed this already and I hope not to address this again. I needed to detail an explanation because it’s quite easy to hate a man you know nothing about and has been painted in nothing but a bad light. The anger against the director is undebatable because abuse is not debatable, but to pretend the cruelty was nothing but for cruelty’s sake is mischaracterizing both him and Atsushi.

You can’t pick and choose what’s been told to you in the text just because you don’t like a character and lack the maturity for it. It gets quite hard to do that sort of thing when it’s a character you‘ve grown to care about, it’s no wonder Dazai is divided between so many. Speaking of Dazai, his involvement in this makes as much sense as Akutagawa’s. He’s currently in a mentor position for Atsushi, no matter what Akutagawa says, and shows interest in his development. So of course he’s going to purposely stick his head into something that would affect Atsushi greatly. Both Akutagawa and Dazai are viewing this through their lenses as people who grew up in the darkness of society, and it’s not that Dazai thinks what happened to him wasn’t terrible, you should have eyes to read the panels provided, but he’s generally unfazed and able to sound neutral because he’s used to that cruelty.

The Port Mafia’s Environment

(Aka: is it really “all Mori’s fault” or is it just the product of being literally in The Mafia™?)

I’ll go over the “Cycle of Abuse” in a second, but please keep in mind that you can’t just blame everything on Mori. Just like the Director, it’s so easy to pin the guy who’s just been the worst for every problem there, but it decimates the other characters involved as well and makes what they’ve gone through go flat because you’re restricting it to a misinformed presumption.

To make a bold statement, I need you to completely throw away your idea of what the abuse cycle is. The Mori to Kyouka pipeline being the singular “Abuse Cycle”? Garbage, needs to go away too. I've seen many fans use the term “Cycle of Abuse” too carelessly, and while from afar the way they're using it is not technically wrong, they have the wrong thought process behind it.

The Cycle of Abuse is simply the patterns of what keeps us in an abusive dynamic and negative mental state, either with an individual or environment, and makes it incredibly hard for anyone to leave. It’s not the actions you take that make it the Cycle of Abuse, and it's not just one straight line of people going through similar motions. You don’t have to be someone’s abuser to be the one who keeps them there, if you feed into it you’re still a problem. Even if you don't actively add to it yourself, just staying there as a bystander and not trying to do anything to change it or speak up for the victim when you clearly could also still make you responsible. Just with your presence, it validates what they've gone through as normal.

If you need more of an explanation, two opposite examples include Higuchi & Akutagawa and Beast Kyouka & Atsushi. Higuchi is a traditional example in that she stays in the mafia because of her relationship with Akutagawa, and stays by his side for reasons unknown. What we do know is that she’s incredibly indebted to him enough to care for him to an extreme extent, but their relationship is abusive all the same. Beast Atsushi and Kyouka sounds strange for me to bring up, but this is an example of a non-abusive person contributing to the Cycle of Abuse. Instead of taking her out of an abusive situation, he brings her back in.

Many characters are a part of this main narrative of abuse in BSD, so it's not inaccurate to say Mori, Dazai, Akutagawa, and Kyouka are a part of it as well using this definition as all of them are the reason or contributed to why someone was stuck in a negative, abusive situation or the victim themselves. I’m guessing none of you are genuinely referring to this though and are referring to intergenerational abuse, a repeating cycle of younger generations taking after their abusers when they're older, which is a completely different phenomenon. Both are referred to as cycles and have many commonalities, but it’s not the same. Not to sound like a total dick, but this barely even applies to them.

Not because the concept is based on familial relationships, it can happen with older figures in your life too, but because our oh-so-famous Abuse Cycle gang does not have that commonality to make that claim. They have narrative parallels, but that’s pretty much it. I will save what I have to say in their sections, but Mori and Akutagawa did not abuse Dazai and Kyouka respectively for this type of claim to have any legitimacy. Kyouka certainly broke a cycle, but not that kind since that would need her to continue it in the first place and then prevent her own experiences from even affecting the next child.

What do all Mori, Dazai, Akutagawa, and Kyouka actually have in common? They are/were in the mafia, using their natural talents of cruelty for the underworld.

The Port Mafia resembles something of an abusive household or community that sees so much of what’s done to others there as normal, and constantly compares it to how it was with their old boss and thinks, “At least it wasn’t as bad as that.” It’s quite like the Orphanage Director’s thinking but on a larger scale. Does that make everyone in the Port Mafia abused? Nope, unlike most abusive communities, the Port Mafia is quite literally the mafia. Everyone is there for different reasons, at different ages, and different experiences. Everyone is taken advantage of in these situations, no matter the circumstances, but it doesn’t make them abused automatically.

So it’s hard to have a stance on anything about them being abusive other than the mentor situations in the Port Mafia don’t see abuse as abuse and just another way to teach their subordinates to survive in their world if they deem it necessary. Was Chuuya abused, either by Mori or Kouyou then? I’m going to have to say I can’t tell you that. We don’t have enough information on either of his dynamics with them to say that they’ve directly had any repetitive behaviors of direct harm against him specifically, and there's no reason for them to do so either. I’m not going to use the argument that “Chuuya doesn’t hate or fear them, so that must mean he wasn’t” because again, that type of response does not reflect so many situations.

Chuuya was still harmed by being in the Port Mafia as a teenager because nobody should have been surrounded by this much cruelty at that age. It doesn’t matter if he shows visible distress or not about the Port Mafia, he was just desensitized to it since his sheep days. So was he an abuse victim under the idea that being a child in the Port Mafia is abuse? That depends on who we’re speaking of, but in Chuuya’s situation, I'm going to have to say no as he's already internalized their mindset from his own experiences separate from the mafia. Keep in mind that it also still holds true that you can find family in situations like this, it’s not mutually exclusive. Some just find more comfort in what they’re used to than what would be better for them. Kyouka is a better example of someone being a victim of an abusive community.

A false claim I've seen made many times are the ones where they have it as if Mori is the mafia itself or that he made the mafia what it was. It shouldn’t be too surprising, but it’s the opposite. Mori already held flawed, heartless, calculative methods when in situations he thought required them. We’ve seen him as a soldier and an underground doctor, but we know nothing else about him outside of his cruelty, just like the headmaster. What he does is never for what he thinks is for his benefit, but for the sake of something larger. Whether it’s for the city, the country, or eventually, the Port Mafia.

The mafia is the first time he’s been put into a position of absolute leadership and is not yet accustomed to that at the beginning of Dazai, Chuuya, Age Fifteen. He’s able to quickly fit the mold of a mafia boss, but there’s that bit of honesty that peaks through in this light novel in the first and last sections that’s ignored too quickly. First Mori complains about nothing going immediately right, questions himself about Dazai, and becomes genuinely stressed if it was the right decision to involve him, then confesses that he sees himself in Dazai to him (and him and Fukuzawa in Soukoku in private), and finally gives his honest take of leadership to Chuuya.

I already go over Mori as a character in one of my other posts and will speak more of him later on, so I don’t want to reiterate the same points, but here we have proof he has (albeit poor) humanity. He did not become the Port Mafia boss for his own selfish gain of power if you’ve forgotten, but because Natsume introduced him to becoming part of the Tripartite Framework to protect the city he loves, it’s where he’d excel best in this plan. The Port Mafia was already a shithole, Mori just made it livable again by becoming what an organized crime group needs.

It’s what makes the dynamic between Kouyou and him so intriguing because you have an abuse victim who has embraced the environment she was forced back into, but won’t let go of someone who’s proven to be more of a decent leader than her tormentor and can be relied on. For victims who couldn’t get help or realize they needed help, the easier path is to accept this is your life through some justification. While I said the Port Mafia resembles an abusive community, communities as such aren’t purely terrible and that’s what keeps them justifying it in their head. The family you have for yourself, whether it's a made one or the one you're born with, is what sticks for you.

Like it or not, Mori isn’t stupid. He takes risky gambles that backfire on him sometimes, but he’s good at his job. He’s brutal enough to prove his own against the people who didn’t think he should’ve been boss and outsiders who want to go against the Port Mafia, but he’s considerate enough towards his people and shows enough competency to be perfect for the job. He’s not a great human being, but what did you expect? He no longer had any room to express that humanity, he never had; there was no benefit from being a good person in his line of work.

The Heartless Cur

That looked like a great segue to talk about Dazai and Mori’s dynamic, but it’d benefit to go over Akutagawa first. For those who do acknowledge it as an abusive situation, Thank you for at least taking that step. Numerous don’t and it worries me at the state of what’s considered abuse vs. training. It may be both at times but don't excuse one for the other. Training needs formal consent and communication at some point during a session. Akutagawa is learning, but it’s the same as getting yelled at as a child for not doing your homework right, when again, you’re still just learning.

It might’ve been easier to see for those who do acknowledge it because of the visible physical abuse that happens, but let's not undermine the psychological abuse happening as well. Dazai has messed with his psyche on an abhorrent level through his degrading and threats, making him reliant to hear a single word of acknowledgment from his mouth. What happened to Akutagawa is beyond the mafia’s environment.

Akutagawa does not hate or want Dazai dead for what he’s done to him, but he does hold anger at the seeming abandonment he’s been put through… and at himself as well. Anger that he couldn't get to what Dazai wanted him to be before he suddenly left. So he proves himself by climbing the ranks and becoming someone feared. Spectacles of violence not because he enjoys the feeling of other’s suffering or the power over them, but to show Dazai that see? He's still worth looking at!

He stays in the mafia because he’s found a place there. Even if he could, there was no point in leaving the mafia after he disappeared because what would be left for him if he did? He will always be an unchangeable, horrific hound of the dark and there's no changing that in his mind. From an inference of his actions in the dungeon when they finally reunite one-on-one, he wanted to believe that he was above Dazai after all those years, but Dazai doesn't act impressed or scared or anything. After all that effort, he gets nothing but ridicule and mockery like he's back to being that little kid with an oversized coat too big for his body.

Worse is that he gets told that some new kid Dazai picked up, who didn't train to the extent he did to refine his abilities, is better than him somehow. He gets riled up and at first, takes out on Dazai, but all those threats about killing him and how he went against the mafia were empty. Even now he can't bring himself to hate Dazai, he needs his mentor to acknowledge him no matter what side he's on. He never let go of Dazai, his coat is proof enough of that. So he takes it out on the party that isn't responsible and is convinced he needs to overcome Atsushi to prove something to Dazai.

He doesn't hate Atsushi, not genuinely. He does the same when he’s told he’ll never compare to Odasaku, someone who objectively should’ve been the weakest member due to his status. He gets angry at Dazai’s words, gets angry at himself, then takes it out on the person mentioned, rinse and repeat. I’m not sure if I’m the only one to notice, but he genuinely believed that the meaningful life Dazai gave him laid in the mafia and being useful to its cause. He has no reason to be as loyal to the mafia if he didn't think this.

Dazai’s acknowledgment means more than just appreciation for his skills and strength, it means his life meant something by striving for being the strongest. It’s not about the acknowledgment at all. Whenever he critiques and shames Atsushi for how he lives his life, it just feels like he’s unknowingly shaming himself through him without having to acknowledge his wrongs. It makes me curious about how much the acknowledgment itself even matters to him and the validation it gives him to strive for this is an excuse to keep living so what he’s doing in the mafia even matters in the end. What counts as acknowledgment to him?

He's convinced his faults are what made Dazai turn away, he just doesn’t know how to do anything to fix it and can't fix it this late into the game. What does Dazai want from him other than being stronger? When Dazai directly asks him to do something important involving Atsushi, he’s confused. He has no reason to trust him to do these missions. He’ll take the chance to prove himself once and for all, but to be included means he's being acknowledged, so what gives? The number of times he visibly self-reflects can be counted on one hand because as soon as it shows, he goes back to justify his violence and ignores his faults.

As someone whose favorite character is Akutagawa, I’m disgusted that all people can take away from him is “Akutagawa is an obsessive fanboy that deserves no sympathy because of what he did to Kyouka” or “Akutagawa is a poor, miserable man that didn’t deserve what Dazai made him into and should be absolved of responsibility because it’s all Dazai’s fault”. Both are very shallow and very harmful to perpetrate as they continue the idea that a person can only be the abused or abuser. He's both and it's okay to admit that.

Quickly let’s clear up this: He is not the way he is because of Dazai.

What Dazai IS responsible for:

Akutagawa’s need for his constant approval and recognition

Akutagawa learning to hone his ability

Akutagawa’s toxic views of being useful

The reason Akutagawa’s still alive

The reason Akutagawa is the Mafia’s dog

What Dazai is NOT responsible for:

Everything else

Akutagawa’s lean toward violence, his one-track stubborn mindset, and his lone-wolf attitude are not a product of Dazai’s treatment, he’s always been that way because of his time in the slums. He got beaten down by adults frightened of his empty gaze, had to learn to protect himself and find something to eat to survive, helped take care of his sister Gin and his friends by himself, and everyone constantly dying around him. That’s the real reason his personality is like that. He is a victim of his circumstances in a society that deemed him worthless, so he also thinks of his life as worthless. That’s why Dazai means so much to him.

Dazai did not trick him into joining the mafia, Dazai expressed what he was going to go through was worse than what happened in the slums and gave Akutagawa an out that he could live a normal life with enough money, but he knew Akutagawa would not refuse because he still needed meaning in living, just like him. Gaining enough money to get by so he and his sister could get out of the slums would do nothing for him, he already felt that his life was worthless. He has no problem throwing it away at any time, he was gonna die young regardless because of his lung disease. It has manipulative undertones, but that's how Dazai usually is with even the people he cares about.

Akutagawa knows too well that a person needs a sign, someone to tell them it’s okay to keep going, and so does Dazai. Part of Dazai’s goal is to save Akutagawa from dying and give him a reason to live like he promised that day because he sees the potential that could come from his development. I don't want to sound like a dick again, but you’d have to be dense to think Akutagawa would still be dead by the end of this arc. He isn’t sending him off to his death, Dazai doesn’t know everything.

Even if he knew Akutagawa might die there, it's better than both Atsushi and Akutagawa dying at that moment. If Akutagawa didn’t want to die for him, he wouldn’t have, he chose to save Atsushi’s life. This is why I have to defend Asagiri. Let’s reread the interview together, to make it get across already.

(Twt link)

Q: Just like how Akutagawa and Atsushi's relationship has changed, I could feel the relationship between Dazai and Akutagawa moving forward too. Is it like what Akutagawa has said in Episode 3 of Season 5, that every order he has received from Dazai so far has been "a trial", "a part of a meaningfull life"?

First, the question being asked. They’re asking Asagiri about their relationship in the present, and how it’s developed. Akutagawa is no longer thinking he was abandoned by Dazai for a new, better student like he was made him believe, that was just to rile him up and interact with Atsushi more. Instead, he realizes that he’s not supposed to work against Atsushi, he’s supposed to work with him. How he decides to go about that battle with Fukuchi and whether or not he works with Atsushi like a partner is his trial. If this was Akutagawa before he met Atsushi, he would’ve no doubt escaped or might’ve thought defeating Fukuchi would prove himself to Dazai. He's not an obstacle to his meaningful life, his quest for a meaningful life lies with Atsushi.

Asagiri responds with:

Asagiri: Needless to say, Dazai is the most qualified person in this world to help Akutagawa grow. Dazai has a vision for Akutagawa's development, and he completely understands what it takes to achieve it. We, as obsevers, can only see bits and pieces of that vision. But I can at least say that Dazai's training plan has never been wrong.

Many find this answer questionable, I was stunned reading it myself. Asagiri is not wrong at all here though, Dazai is objectively the only person in this series who can find a way to help him. Atsushi is the endpoint, but Dazai has been guiding him to this point. Dazai himself said that he was planning to team them up the moment he met Atsushi, he was still thinking of him even after all these years. There are much scarier implications than thinking that Asagiri was wrong. It's that Dazai was doing everything intentionally to get Akutagawa’s mindset where it was. He didn't mess up with Akutagawa, he just couldn't personally teach him the skills he needed and chose a different route until he found something that could.

Asagiri is not saying the abuse was morally justified, but the intention behind it was not wrong in an objective stance. Dazai would know what to do the most because of his understanding of wanting to find meaning in living. Teenage Dazai couldn’t have achieved much by himself, even if he could understand since he also could not find meaning in life. That’s why he made him hang on to his every breath of validation so he would keep his faith in Dazai long enough for him to find a solution to this dilemma. The moment in life when he found Akutagawa was not ideal and he still did what he thought he had to do for him to survive in the mafia. Without his ability, he's incredibly weak and needs to be able to defend himself. A violent person could not have made another violent person unlearn their violence.

You could say he just wanted a weapon, but that’s not it, not even close. Many of you are stuck on the part that it was a suicidal teenager that picked Akutagawa up from the slums and that no way someone like that could teach another suicidal teenager anything, so it’s “comical that Asagiri thinks as though he’s the most qualified”. You’re not wrong in some sense, but this is still incredibly intelligent, “Black Wrath of the Port Mafia”, Osamu Dazai, and not just some suicidal teenager.

He’s also no longer a teenager. Right now we’re talking of Dazai in the present who’s grown and no longer needs to be how he was in the mafia, he has Atsushi now, someone who can help Akutagawa see what’s wrong in his outlook. The only thing he could’ve done back then was to shelter Akutagawa so he wouldn’t kill himself. It's horrible, but Dazai validating where he is now would do no good for either of them and fix nothing.

Q: What kind of person is Dazai to Akutagawa?

Asagiri: Actually, at the time of "The Dark Era", Dazai already spoke very highly of Akutagawa, as someone who would "become the Mafia's strongest skill user in the not-so-distant future". He just doesn't say that in front of Akutagawa himself. The reason he doesn't say it is that Dazai has to be "the presence that continues to give meaning to life" to Akutagawa. So far, that trial has been completely successful.

None of what Asagiri brings up is new information. He doesn’t say it in front of Akutagawa not to spite him, but if he gives these praises out too freely, he loses his distant, almost god-like presence in Akutagawa and will go back to being just a lone wolf with no exceptions that will carelessly get himself killed. Without any goal, he’s lost. Just like Atsushi and the headmaster and how Atsushi hinges on proving he can do a good thing to motivate his life, Akutagawa similarly hinges on the fact that if he fails, he won’t get Dazai’s approval.

However, his death was not fully about Dazai’s approval in the way he's been preaching. In chapter 87, he mentions Dazai’s approval like always, and when they fail the first time even after trusting and working with each other as Shin Soukoku should, It hits him. What came into his head I cannot parse out at the moment, but his actions speak so much louder than any explanation we could've gotten. Of course, he's helping Atsushi escape, but what does he do for that? He used his ability on his shirt, and not just on the coat like he typically does.

It doesn't seem like a big deal at first, he could've always done that, but when was the last time he used it on something that wasn't the coat Dazai gave him? The coat means many things. His new beginning, his path in being Dazai’s student and successor (as that was also Mori’s coat), but it also conveys Dazai’s will that keeps him alive and that he's only strong with his coat. Without it, he's defenseless, so he clings to this coat the exact way he clings to those orders. It's his encouragement to keep going when Dazai isn't there. This overwhelming, suffocating responsibility, an oversized coat, is a lot to give to a kid but it's comfortable and he’ll grow into it eventually.

It was already a huge step in his development that he gave Atsushi his coat, but to use his ability not on his coat means he's making an effort to overcome his fixation and do an action unrelated to Dazai for the sake of Atsushi’s life. His whole life after the slums, everything he's ever done was with Dazai in mind. Him saving Atsushi’s life was not because he was doing what Dazai wanted him to do, that he'd finally get approval for doing It, and in turn give his life meaning before he died. When he saved Atsushi, it would give his life meaning in just that. He shouldn't let himself be defined by the past the way he criticizes Atsushi for, so he’s going to choose his meaning. I wouldn't say he's moved past Dazai yet, but he's getting there.

Dazai and Akutagawa’s relationship is not healthy in the slightest, and Dazai’s crueler actions and words against him are not right, but they’re still growing and not stagnant characters. Atsushi and Akutagawa learn from each other and that's what's pushing them to change. Nobody will pretend those past means weren’t just abuse, they were, but there's so much more to it. Like I asked with the director, was he successful? Well from what I’ve said, yes it so far has gone the way Dazai hoped for in the best-case scenario.

In the main universe at least, this is one of the better ways it could’ve gone. Beast is a different story. Teenage Dazai of the main universe was unsure of Akutagawa’s future and did only what he could’ve done at that time, but Beast Dazai does have that knowledge and he decided that it would be best for Akutagawa to not be in the mafia, instead bringing in Atsushi. It wouldn’t have been good to let him pursue his violent tendencies more than necessary in the mafia in this universe when he knew there was a better option, especially with someone like Oda, who would take the time to care for him properly.

Even if he didn’t bring him in, he still gave him the motivation to keep living for something. The prologue of Beast is a mirror to The Heartless Cur, with instead it’s a distant relationship of hate Akutagawa has for him for taking his sister. For those who argue that since Beast exists, that means Asagiri was somehow “wrong about Dazai”, but it’s still Dazai from the beginning that’s the source of this motivation. Dazai, who's still guiding him. If we’re gonna be honest, Dazai was putting their development/capabilities in speed run mode with the logic and future information he had access to prepare them for a timeline he won’t be alive for. There are many factors for what he did in Besst, but that’s not the conversation.

What does he get from helping him? Who knows, Asagiri wasn’t being cheeky when he said we only see bits and pieces of his vision. We barely have any clue what’s going through that man’s head, so don’t act like you do. He wasn’t always planning for the next Soukoku. Maybe it was a thought that came up sometimes, but he’s only met Atsushi recently. What about Akutagawa was so different from any other powerful ability-wielding orphan? Well, we’re not gonna know any time soon.

The point is that Dazai is thinking about their future, even if the abuse or manipulation makes that hard to see. Please do remember that abuse is still selfish no matter the intention, but non-selfish intentions make it all the more complicated to process. Their relationship is not misunderstood by Asagiri himself, it’s just clear to me most don’t want to face the unpleasant truth that there is more to their dynamic. When I first realized what was going on, I couldn’t help but get unnerved and awkward when someone would ask me about these two. These are both characters in the spotlight that you’re supposed to care about, but what happened between them is rotten.

You’re not supposed to pretend it didn’t happen because Dazai still contributed to who he is and it shows whenever it’s on screen. Abuse doesn’t make us stronger, don’t make it as if that’s a message that Asagiri is spreading. What happened to him motivated his development, but with Atsushi, that’s the opposite. Their circumstances are different and victims process what's happened to them in various ways. Depicting it in a form less common than usual doesn't mean the author thinks in the same way the victim does, it's just nuance at work.

I did not add Akutagawa’s attitude towards his subordinates and newer members as Dazai’s responsibility because Dazai is not the one controlling his hands when he hits Higuchi. Dazai’s mentoring contributed to his toxic views of being useful, but it’s only Akutagawa’s responsibility once he raises his hand. Instead of thinking of this in the context of the most typical abusive situation you can think of, how about this:

Your parent was raised in an abusive household, but they think they came out of it just fine and that there was nothing wrong with how they were treated. They treat you almost the same way, and all you can take away from that when you find out is, “At least it’s not as bad as it could’ve been”. You still hold anger at the standards they’re forcing you to reach, but if that’s what it takes to get that approval, then you’ll keep going anyway. Even if you get yelled at and you know you shouldn’t be treated like this, it’ll feel nice when you finally get on their good graces, right?

Then you get a new sibling, and all of that comes crumbling down. They don’t treat your sibling anywhere near the same when you were that age. Years go by and you get angrier and angrier. Why is it only you that was put to that standard? Even worse is that they treat you differently now too. You finally got to those standards, but now what is it worth? They’re so much nicer now and you want to curse them out for only changing now. Why couldn’t have had that parent from the beginning? It’s so unfair, but you can’t take it out on them because you still need them, they mean so much to you. As angry as you were, they were doing it because they cared about you in their way, you think. It was what your grandparents did to them at least. So you start treating your sibling similarly to how you were treated because you can’t take it that they didn’t experience that hardship without destroying yourself first.

Question: Are you right in what you did? Was the parent responsible for what you did to your sibling?

Nobody in their right mind would say yes to that first question. It makes sense why it happened, but continuing abuse will never be the correct answer. You’re doing the same thing your parent did. The second question needs more exposition to answer, however. How responsible is responsible?

In the end, even if it was the parent who influenced it, you’re only responsible for what you’ve done on your own accord. The parent did not tell you to take it out on your sibling, you decided that yourself. The parent is still responsible for what they’ve done to you, never get that wrong, but if you say that your guilt is absolved because it’s all their fault, you sound no different from any other abuser in denial. Are you saying now that the parent is also absolved from guilt because it’s all their parent’s fault too? Listen to yourself, You hurt someone but it’s not your fault, but the person who hurt you is also somehow not at fault? If someone came up to you and said that, you’d be fed up.

For those who do the same thing with Mori, rethink what you’re saying. Is it that painful to admit your favorite characters are at fault and that they’re changing? This comparison isn’t perfect and ignores some key factors: Dazai isn’t Akutagawa’s or Atsushi’s father and is not much older than them, the Port Mafia is a violent workplace environment and requires you to be able to navigate it a certain way, and all three of them at adults in present time. I used this comparison to be more real to earth and something a larger audience could process themselves to truly get that the emotions here are not straightforward even in a realistic situation.

Re: Portrait of a Father

Just like the prologue, in chapter 3 of the Beast light novel, Portrait of a Father is mirrored and retold in brutal upset that does not hold the hopeful bittersweetness at the end of it unlike its original. Before the present day, against all orders Dazai gave him, Atsushi attacked the orphanage on the day of his birthday. On his birthday, he would be reborn from the ashes of his past being burnt away, and kill the director inside to release himself from the fear of those memories.

It’s what he says at least.

Playing out, the director was expecting him. There might have only been one person in his mind who would’ve attacked a rundown orphanage on this scale. It frightens Atsushi after all that planning and fear of losing to the director, he could still see through him, but confusion takes hold when he’s told that he was late for his graduation.

Graduation? Atsushi is in fight or flight mode, why is he approaching him with this box? He can’t imagine it being anything other than a weapon, nothing else would make sense for this cruel monster. The director won’t give him any straight answer, just repeating words he’s heard over and over growing up here. He uses his tiger hearing to glean what could be inside.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

There’s the proof, it had to be a bomb. He needs to protect himself before anything happens or he’ll die. He’s scared, he can’t move, but he has to fight. The director opens his arms for the embrace of his child… and death, plummeted into a bloody mess on the floor. Only out of the corner of his eye, only when Atsushi stopped, he saw what was in the box. It was a watch, brand new and high-end. Happy Birthday was what was written on a sheet of paper next to it.

His last words, whispered into his ear, were words of encouragement: “Yes… just like that.”

I was not kidding when I said this was brutal. Just like in the main universe, Atsushi learns why he did what he did and can’t place any of his feelings, but overwhelmingly guilt crushes him to keep protecting people with his life rather than just fear because he killed him. He finds out much earlier about what happened with Shibusawa, and how the director protected his identity as the tiger.

The director’s intentions are draining when you let your mind wander. As we’ve established, the headmaster as a figure of hate for Atsushi is intentional on his part. He doesn’t explain anything on purpose here to probe him into killing him. He bought that watch for Atsushi as a congratulations for growing up and becoming a new independent individual.

In the split minute before Atsushi took the first swing, he said his usual, “Those who fail to protect others do not deserve to live.” I have to question now if he was so willing to die there, even encouraging him to kill him, then has it been this whole time he still can’t live with himself for what happened to his friends… or is it because he couldn’t protect Atsushi anymore? Maybe I’m overthinking it and it was just that the headmaster thought Atsushi needed to kill him to remove an obstacle in his growth as an individual, to be a necessary sacrifice for his benefit.

It's too flawed though. The director will never leave him, not after all that he's engraved into Atsushi. The watch has become not a symbol of a person who's found himself, but a child that's latched himself onto his father's cold corpse that won't ever respond, but that child would do anything to have him wake up and say "Good job, Atsushi". The director also has a clock, but can he call himself a strong individual when he hasn't let go of the past either?

Time stopped for Beast Atsushi when he picked up that watch. If he had just followed orders, none of this would’ve happened. If he isn’t his father’s child, if he doesn’t uphold his last wish, then who is he? When he’s no longer in the mafia and has time for himself to think, he wanders.

He failed in becoming someone he could be proud of, he deserved to die for that but doesn't want to be dead… because It wasn't truly about the Director, just like how it wasn't truly about Dazai’s acknowledgment or saving his sister for Akutagawa. At first, that was the motivation, it's the reasoning they keep going with, but in the end, it was to save their own life and give it purpose to validate why they're still around. If they can die like this, then it's all the same. If they have their own life in someone else’s hands, then they no longer have to be responsible for their own heavy-hearted weight.

Beast Atsushi is given neither and is taken of his reasoning, but he keeps going. Aimlessly.

Luckily, it’s not where his story ends.

He wakes up in his old orphanage, and it’s no longer the dreary place it was when he was younger. Kids laughing outside, no chains on the walls or bars blocking off the windows, and the new Orphanage Director greets him. He tells him that he will go back to being a student of the orphanage until he can become independent again, under one of Dazai’s last requests before he died.

Still, there’s one thing he needs to do. The new director takes out the watch and tells him to break it. Atsushi is distraught by this notion, but he won’t let Atsushi leave if he doesn’t. The new director has good reason, there is no point in becoming someone the past director was proud of and this is what’s holding him back. Atsushi, eventually, tells him he will not break the watch. He can’t move on just yet and this watch is still proof he’s himself, yet…

He’ll keep going and move forward, just like Akutagawa told him after he spared his life. The new director finds those words to be enough, saying he can’t leave until he finds something else to define himself with, but he can keep living here as his son. He went there to burn away his past and came out of it not able to let go of the past, but now he can redo and process it healthily with someone willing to hold him like a father should.

The Man Who Raised Dazai

Everyone who’s read Beast has questioned it: Why did Dazai in his right mind have Mori take care of an orphanage? Why did he save his life? Better yet, why is he so nice?! I have come up with some speculation on why Dazai would.

“Beast Dazai recognized this potential of change either from the multitude of universes he was able to witness or recognized it in his own considering canonverse Dazai never does anything against Mori (even if he visibly dislikes him).”

“Possibility is one thing, the why is another. It was either that he saw potential and good that could come out of this in the long run, Mori’s intelligence and expertise still proves usefulness, less dangerous for Oda in the long run if he let Mori stay there instead of the Mafia, or all three.”

(Didn’t feel like rephrase them)

We can’t know anything for sure about his decision, but I do know Mori is the type of character to sacrifice his feelings for what he thinks would logically benefit the sum, and there’s no better way to release yourself from that too-calculative responsibility than to remove yourself from it and to be in a place where you’re allowed to care for others and express yourself when there is no greater purpose than to just grow.

What happened with Yosano is undoubtedly wrong, but Mori had put away any sympathy in those situations because he needed her to do what he brought her in for. I was confused by his declaration that violence should never be used to educate children when I read it, especially out of his mouth, but now I understand. He would know with certainty that it’s not the right way to educate children, particularly because this is a Mori that hasn’t been in the dark for these past years and has grown to care for these children at the orphanage without any greater intention for them.

He’s not like the Old Director because he has no reason to think these kids would end up the way he did. They’re just kids that need someone to raise them with kindness, kindness will be what gets them through life as functional adults. Abuse has too many drawbacks to be called an optimal solution here. Is it surprising that all it took to change Mori was the kindness and salvation Dazai offered to him when he took over? Can you believe it was that simple to treat someone like a human being instead of a figure of hate?

What sticks out to me like a sore thumb is that when he’s introduced in Beast, he’s referred to as the man who raised Dazai. He is, regardless of what you think, the closest thing Dazai has to a father figure. In regards to how the fanbase speaks of their relationship, it’s hard to think that he cared about Dazai, but he did and the extent of how bad it got between them is grossly exaggerated.

As many comparisons Dazai gets with Yosano, their relationship with Mori is very different. Unlike Yosano, he did not need to be forced to do anything with psychological abuse and he did not need to be torn down to do what Mori asked him to. We don’t know what happened to him to become like this, but it wasn’t because of Mori. Yosano had light in her and a motivation to do the right thing, but Dazai didn’t. Dazai is no stranger to any violence or using violence himself even before Mori if he's this desensitized.

It’s useful that Dazai is like that when he meets him, up until it isn’t. He’s moody and actively looking to die. Mori can’t predict him that easily and Dazai can see right through him. There’s another huge difference between them though: Mori sees himself in Dazai. We don’t have enough insight in his head to make conclusive statements, but I think this is why he cared for Dazai. It’s not because he saw a child struggling that he cared, but grew some fondness because he saw a little mini-him. When he drove Dazai out of the Port Mafia, he expected him to come back and take back his vacant seat.

Eventually, Dazai will come back and realize that petty anger about someone dying is illogical in somewhere like the mafia. But because of him not being able to see through Dazai and seeing himself in him, he also expected him to eventually usurp his seat if he stayed any longer. That is why he had invited Mimic at the time he did and manipulated the situation so Oda, someone he knew Dazai cared for, would go and take care of the situation flawlessly. He’d be sacrificed and Mori could get something out of it, a Skilled Business Permit. A perfect plan… in theory, but Mori was wrong and miscalculated on many levels because of how many assumptions he made about Dazai.

First, he wouldn’t have known that it was Oda who held the words that would convince him to leave the mafia and go into the world of light. Dazai will never come back to his own volition. Second, as those panels quite literally tell you, Dazai was never planning on killing him. He saw his place in the mafia and saw that he was needed there. When Mori finally realizes his mistake with Dazai 4 years later during the Guild Arc, he can’t go back. His plan was still perfectly sound and he still got what he wanted out of it. He shouldn’t regret it, but…

Now that’s been paved out, where does wanting to save Dazai fit into this? If I had to assume, it’s the same reason he didn’t shoot Dazai for leaving his office during Dark Era. He cared about that boy, for 4 whole years he left him and his seat alone when the logical thing he should be doing was replacing him, but as much as he might’ve cared, he needed to put the mafia first. He didn’t let him die because of his use, but also because of their so-called “common destiny” in his eyes, a diamond in a rough he might’ve disposed of otherwise if he didn’t see his potential. There’s not much he could’ve done for Dazai here except keep him healthy and alive. Mori gets tons of flack for not trying to help him, but there's nothing he could've done, not in their position.

He can't cultivate his potential if there is abuse involved because there is no logical reason for him to do anything to Dazai. You guys have to stop assuming the worst when it comes to Mori, you’re missing huge character details that are right in front of you. The difference between Mori, the Boss of the Port Mafia, and Mori, the Orphanage Director is that he had time to rekindle his humanity so he’s able to care about him like a normal human being, feel guilt, and admit regret after Beast Dazai has died. Mori at most was responsible for ingraining tactical strategies and theories and molding him into the perfect Mafioso and right-hand man.

Not to say any of those aren’t a bad thing. He’s still a child and having him use his desensitized, intelligent mind to build the potential in what he could do for the mafia, it’s just that he’s responsible for very little in Dazai’s personality. The only answer I could give about Dazai being abused by Mori or being abused under the credentials that he’s a child in a violent, unsafe place is the same answer given earlier for Chuuya: in his case, not really.

Regarding this, I retract my statement about anything I’ve said about Beast Atsushi not being a victim in his time in the mafia, but I still hold my stance that he’s not the victim of the port mafia. I want to say the same thing about Beast Dazai and Atsushi that I do here, but considering he picked him up and trained him like how he trained Akutagawa, there’s a great chance Dazai emotionally abused him when you read their interactions. Not physically as that would make him too much like the headmaster, but just enough emotional distress in bringing up traumatic moments to manipulate him into doing what he needs of him.

It’s not a good relationship, but Mori wasn’t targeting Dazai in any real way like the Director and Atsushi or Dazai and Akutagawa. Unlike every other section, I have to conclude that he didn’t do anything to Dazai in that regard other than treating him like another adult when he shouldn't have. I don’t have much to say negatively about their dynamic otherwise. Just a weird, terrible son with his weird, terrible father. It’s more like someone who's taking after their mentor’s teaching and methods rather than an abuse victim echoing their abuser. This is why I don't accept the “Cycle of Abuse” as how the fandom understands it. It tells me a lot that people resort to the blame game.

I wonder what Dazai and Mori’s relationship would've looked like without any of this in the middle. Maybe something in cadence with Ranpo and Fukuzawa, but I can't help thinking that accepting Atsushi as his son in Beast instead of a student wasn't just for Atsushi’s sake. He was about to call him his student too, but immediately changed his mind. He already admitted he was helping him because of what happened to Dazai, so it can’t be a huge jump to think that in the same way this is Atsushi’s redo in building a relationship with a father figure, this is Mori’s redo to give him some atonement for the boy he failed.

A Mother’s Love

Kyouka, when we first meet her, appears as a force to be reckoned with. With skills a young girl shouldn’t have, and a demon shadowing behind, she’s a terrifying opponent. Quickly though, that appearance falls short in tragedy when the bomb Atsushi’s after is found on her own body and when he asks if she truly wants to kill... She has no answer, but her actions speak clearly. She gives him the defuser because she doesn’t want any more people to die, but the man behind the phone will not let it defuse.

So Kyouka does the next best thing to save more from dying: falling off the train with the bomb that’s about to go off. As long as she dies with it, nobody can use her and her abilities to massacre the people on the train when the bomb eventually fails to do what is necessary. Because that’s when Atsushi realizes that she cannot control her ability herself. No matter what she genuinely wants, she will never have the ability to obtain it because of this one fact. She can only be what people tell her she is.

We all know this story well, she gets saved by Atsushi and the man behind the phone is Akutagawa. Atsushi offers her the same kindness Dazai extended to him regardless of his reputation and destruction because it’d only be the right thing to do. He knows her incoming fate of eventual death for her crimes, he can’t do much, but she should at least experience normalcy this one time.

When she’s about to turn herself in, Akutagawa stops her and tells her she did her job well as a decoy for him to capture Atsushi. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s a peculiar oddness about Akutagawa here in his attitude towards Kyouka. In all logic, even though she is a strong tool to the mafia, she’s a low-level member, a disobedient one at that, and should’ve been killed on sight for her betrayal considering how quick he is to violence, but he talks as if nothing even happened. He brushes off any thought of her dying as she’s spouting nonsense and that she’s going to go back to the mafia as normal.

But then he spouts off about how she’s better off dead on the ship if she stops killing. What’s up with that? It’s not completely obvious at first, but he’s projecting his own experiences in the slums and beliefs formed from Dazai’s mentoring onto her. From his time when he wasn’t in the mafia, he tells her there’s nothing left out there for people like them, there’s only rock bottom. He can confidently say that there is nowhere that would accept her for her ability, demon snow, because it’s the same for him.

The only way her life can have value is to kill to be useful, just like any good mafia member. It’s exactly why that flashback with Dazai happens here. He’s the one who fed him these thoughts he’s lived with for these past 6 years, and what she’s been believing for 6 months. He doesn’t loathe her, he sees it as doing a favor for her. What else can a little girl who can kill be use of except to kill in her circumstances?

Contrary to popular belief, he is not her abuser and is not the same thing Dazai was to him. He neither trained her nor did we have information on their relationship to come to that conclusion. The only thing we know is that he was the one sent to pick her up by the Port Mafia. We can prove she is not the way she is because Akutagawa since Beast, well, exists. She is one of the few characters I can confidently say was a victim of the Port Mafia itself and not just a person of the Port Mafia specifically.

Akutagawa was trying to be what Dazai was to him, but he is selling a bastardized version of it to her. The person who was her Dazai was Atsushi, the same person who was given Dazai’s act of kindness. Someone who has experienced the same things Akutagawa has and is living proof that she can hope for something better.

He could see that the same revenge and lack of regard for her life in her eye was the same kind he met Dazai with. Despite that, these lessons he’s internalized have helped no one, not even himself. She can’t find meaning in something that is the root cause of her suicidal ideation. This life is unfulfilling for people like them who need meaning in life. Akutagawa doesn't realize this because he still has Dazai to be his motivational goal. That’s why he failed to help Kyouka, Dazai’s efforts would’ve been considered an utmost failure too if he wasn’t actively trying to fix that misunderstanding. Kindness is what actively saves us and helps us grow, the harm in abusive environments will only stunt us. But what happens when kindness is offered to us, but nothing comes out of it except proving us right that we’re unsavable? Then you have Kouyou.

Kouyou is the second person I could say was a victim of the Port Mafia. She has the same belief Akutagawa had about people like them being unable to be saved, so the only thing they can do is embrace it. I can’t claim she was Kyouka’s abuser either as we again don’t know enough, but that doesn’t change that her behavior is emotionally abusive, and is a much better contender than he is.

She’s doing the same thing Akutagawa was doing himself. Seeing themselves in this child and doing what she “needs” instead of what she wants. Just like him, she views this as saving her from the hands of light that will never make room for them and will ignore everything else she says. When Akutagawa is faced with her “disillusionment”, he… accepts it when she refuses his will and chooses another path, but almost kills her to spare her from that decision that would “doom” her.

Kouyou is much less accepting, opting to kill the root source of this hope itself, Atsushi, because her fondness for Kyouka prevents her from leaving her for dead. In contrast to Akutagawa’s attempt at being what gives her life meaning, Kouyou wants to stop Atsushi from being like the same man who also gave her hope that they could escape to the world of light. She can’t bear to see Kyouka go through the same realization she did far too late.

I can see what you're thinking, why am I reluctant to call either of them Kyouka’s abuser? Even if Akutagawa doesn't count, shouldn't Kouyou count because she seems to have an actual relationship with her and her effects are prevalent in Beast, the same points I mentioned to debunk accusations against him? Sure actually, but think about it like this. What the Port Mafia does have in common with real situations is that this is a community that is full of victims who refuse to process their traumatic experiences for any reason, and bring down others to their level when they don’t fit in their narrative to justify what’s happened to them.

There isn’t just one abuser weighing over you, there's this collective pressure from so many who aren't your abuser but they still contribute to your abuse with their presence itself. If Dazai wasn’t there in the mafia, would Akutagawa's situation have changed? Yes. Now if Akutagawa or Kouyou weren’t in the mafia, would Kyouka's situation have changed? Not at all. She’d have fewer examples to refer to, but she’d still be abused. If it’s easier to imagine, think of it similarly to cult mentality and how they keep you in cults. That is the reason I emphasized being a victim of the Port Mafia instead of an individual. Kouyou, Q, and Kyouka, while you can pin their main perpetrators on certain people, their overall situation doesn't change.

Now why doesn’t she just use the phone herself instead of letting people call Demon Snow for her? Wouldn’t she have more agency that way? Atsushi proposes this, but she rejects it instantly. It’s a very simple answer, it’s the same reason she can’t bear to look at it outside of when she’s forced to use it in combat. It’s her ability that killed her parents and why she was forced into this position.

It’s not hard for a little girl to believe she’s nothing more than a killing machine when she sees that night her ability would mercilessly kill her parents. She eventually caves when Kouyou points out how quick she is to vindicate violence to protect that hope she desperately wants a part of, and how she will never change. Her first mission with the Armed Detective Agency is proof in itself. Was Atsushi going to keep extending his kindness after hearing what she could only blame herself for?

Kouyou is a character I’ve seen that gets a lot of double standards compared to all of the other characters I’ve mentioned with abusive tendencies and is almost purely liked. She’s not seen as an absolute monster (The director, Mori) or controversial with one side containing pure dislike and another pure love (Akutagawa, Dazai), it’s only that she’s a well-written, sympathetic badass girl boss. It’s either because she’s a woman, that she doesn’t use an overt intimidation style, that her motives are more obvious in their emotional influences, or all of the above that she’s not treated the same.

Kouyou’s motivations are not special, as I’ve said. The only thing that differentiates them from the others is that they’re not covered by a mask of indifference. As fond as she is for her, she’s not much different from anyone else who holds the mafia up in high regard. She weaponizes her words in where they’d hurt the most so Kyouka would come with her. The entire last section of their battle sums up with her saying, “Kyouka come with me, they’ll only use you for your Ability when they get a hold of it. Even if the mafia did the same thing, at least they’ll accept you for who you truly are: a natural-born killer. You don’t have to fight anymore, I’ll protect you.”

When Atsushi finds Kyouka once again subsequently in her disappearance, she chooses to embrace her violence to help the Armed Detective Agency in this fight with the Guild. After her walk in where she used to reside, she comes the the conclusion she no longer belongs there. Against Kouyou’s wishes, she will brandish her blade for a home. That blows up in her face the moment she starts. Atsushi gets taken, and it’s just as Kouyou said would happen. If even her violence doesn’t get her wish, then what can she do besides leave herself to her fate?

As someone who’s seen another with a talent for killing walk the path of good and is on that same path himself, Dazai talks to her. He tells her about how she hasn’t gone through her entrance exam yet, how she isn’t an official member because she hasn’t proven her will or life on the line to help people she doesn’t necessarily know. Kyouka doesn’t believe she could’ve passed if that’s what it takes, but Dazai doesn’t agree with the points she’s brought up. So what if she’s killed or considered dangerous? That doesn’t make her less qualified to be a part of the Detective Agency, everyone there is from different backgrounds.

She can’t know everything, not even about herself. Nobody does, but it takes others to see more of yourself. Excelling in one area doesn’t prevent you from nurturing your potential in another. What would that make someone like Atsushi, a person who’s been her guiding figure throughout—but was never seen as anything more than a threat or a beast because of his ability before he joined them? The truth is, our lives aren’t defined by one purpose the moment we’re born, it’s only something you can make for yourself. We’re not the places we’ve been raised in, not the ideas people apply to us, and we’re especially not defined by the traumatic experiences we had no control over.

All of it accumulates the person we are today, and we can’t change that no matter how much we resent parts of our image that don’t hold up to what society deems as right, but it shouldn’t take control over what we want for ourselves. It isn’t fair for the victims who were forced into a life where they had to fend for themselves, the children who had to navigate an adult’s messed up world that didn’t have room for them to grow as kids should. Forced into a box where they stay unaware that they’ve ever left their mother’s womb, break out in fury with eyes that grew up too early—only to become lost and thrown away, or rot in that box without a single person knowing they were a breathing, living human being.

I deem abuse selfish for this very reason. Kouyou is wrong for this very reason. If she finds comfort in her reasoning, then I can’t critique her for her own choices and will have to respect her for choosing to stay in the mafia even when the old boss is dead, every abuse victim is different, but not a single person is born evil or good, in the dark or light. Not a soul has to stay in one place because they started there. It’s going to be a hard journey to truly achieve what you long for, results aren’t immediate and not everyone gets there no matter their effort, but still try. Try because it’s still worth trying, because you’re still worth more than you think.

In parallel, you can only get there as long as you’re seeking it. Too many see the Armed Detective Agency as something that will automatically save characters just by working there, but the only way it can help them is if they seek out their help themselves. The ADA is not the right place for every character, but Kyouka does want a place there. After her conversation with Dazai, she knows what she wants to do now. She will smash the drone she’s in into Moby Dick so nobody will have to die, but sacrifice her own life in the process. She’s chained to this place, but her choices aren’t.

She doesn’t have to die with regret, with this she can pass the entrance exam and become an agency member like she wanted. She made a difference for herself just by this act. It’d be a pretty melancholy arc if it ended like that, thank god we know it doesn’t end like this. When you become a full agency member, you gain more control over your ability, meaning—

She’s fine.

The exposition is over, let’s talk about Kyouka. Her arc is beautiful and the neglect to talk about her when it comes to her abuse story besides saying, “She’s the one who stopped the abuse cycle” and then nothing else is heartbreakingly superficial. She didn’t stop it, it’s impossible to, but she did break out of it. Kyouka’s section has more exposition than the others but I expected that. I wanted to save her for last because she’s the only one whose arc has come to a peaceful conclusion and not unfinished, and the lighter message felt nice to leave off on.

I shouldn’t berate Kouyou too much, the only reason she stayed in that room after being captured by the ADA is because she did want Kyouka to experience what she never had, and speaking with Dazai helped reassure her that Kyouka would be able to achieve her dreams. It’s no longer the age of the old boss. As well as her shedding the truth about her parent’s death so she wouldn’t have to resent her ability as not an avatar of massacre, but a product of her parents’ love that will always stay with her. She didn’t let go of the phone she’s had this entire time because her mother told her not to let it go.

Me going over Kouyou in this fashion is not me saying you shouldn’t love her character, I like her too. It’s just that it’s passed over so fast what she did, but somehow Akutagawa is more at fault here is mind-boggling. I’d get it a little more if this is because she redeemed herself by wanting the best for Kyouka over what was best for the mafia, but I doubt that’s the case when that moment is talked about so little as well.

I genuinely need you all to understand that not every character is going to have a satisfying, clean conclusion like this. Akutagawa’s story is most likely not going to have a conclusion that satisfies everyone and you should respect it when it comes. There’s no perfect way of writing abuse, but there’s no correct way of doing it either. I don’t think Dazai is going to have the repercussions you want him to have any time soon. If you got the message from Beast, getting revenge on an abuser doesn’t make us feel better or let us process what happened to us. Total resentment keeps us stuck.

The only thing that will heal us is the kindness so many offer in this series. You in no way need to extend that kindness to an abuser, you don’t need to forgive them or let them into your life again, but be kind to yourself and don’t let resentment prevent you from focusing on yourself. Forgiveness and reconnection are not the same thing. Don’t be angry when a victim does want those things. Unless it’s character inconsistent, that’s not something we shouldn’t have any opinion on as the right or wrong way to go about their lives. What if later they do change their mind and want something different from what they originally planned? That’s fine too. Everyone is different. Don’t give unsolicited advice to people who do not want it, let them decide for themselves. It is the best thing you can do.

The worst abusers are the ones who refuse to change and see wrong in what they’re doing, but what about the ones who do want that? Then also let them heal. They did something awful, why isn’t it a good thing they want to stop it now? You don’t have to let them in just because they changed though. Apologies don’t fix the damage already done, but to some victims, it feels nice to feel that what’s been done to them is acknowledged. You don’t want them to hurt others the way they’ve done to you, and neither do they. It hurts to let them forgive themselves when you haven’t and never will, you want to see them suffer, but that’s the only way things can change.

Dazai has changed, is he a good person even after what he’s done? I despise this question for any character of this series. He’s grown so much, and if you don���t think so, reread his conversation with Kyouka I beg of you. It is a far cry from his mindset in the mafia. A better person for sure, but a good person is hard to define for anyone in this series. The mafia is still the mafia, do any of them qualify as good people? The government, even if it’s the position of the right in society, is still an unjust system.

What a good person is cannot be an objective answer, people think there is but it’s not. A good person is how much we know about them and where our position in life affects our viewpoint. Prejudice values don’t make you correct in what you think a good person is, being convicted of a crime, one you might not even have committed, doesn’t automatically make you a bad person, being associated with a group doesn’t mean anything about who you are, etc. It’s all subjective in the end.

Meaning someone like Odasaku is essential in a story like this. He still has a presence in this narrative, even if he died in a light novel, because his existence pushes the boundaries of a “good person” in the fact his contradictory existence establishes itself. He failed in walking the path he wanted, but he doesn’t regret it even in his dying moments trying to.

Afterthoughts

The themes of morality and humanity go hand in hand with the abuse present in Bungou Stray Dogs, so it was hard avoiding talking about this when it was necessary. I don’t think it’s right of us to judge a character’s path that isn’t finished, in a story that’s nowhere near done. Ultimately, I’m only talking in a place of experience but never will it make me exempt from any personal bias. I tried to be as objective and nuanced as I could about this, and I hope it shows.

Abuse isn’t one of those things that I can analyze from any logical stand point or take resources to back my statements up about abuse. Of course everything I say can be backed up, but abuse is a personal, human matter and we’re just human being trying to figure out more than we can handle. I just couldn’t be comfortable with how people are now choosing to talk about Asagiri and needed to shed some light in what you’re missing.

Now I could’ve gone over Higuchi or Lucy because their stories also involve abuse, but I don’t think I could say anything new about them without repeating points I’ve already said. We know very little about Higuchi and what made her so devoted to Akutagawa, and Lucy is pretty quick to summarize considering her story is just like Atsushi’s. Q is also a character to be brought up but I don’t have enough information on them to say much about any abuse itself that happened.

Yosano was also an option but I don’t think anyone had any trouble understanding her backstory. Well I was only really aiming to speak about what’s not been spoken enough. Thank you for reading haha, god this thing is monstrous. Already got to 14k words by the time I was officially done…. I didn’t know if I wanted to lean into character analysis or just exposition, I hope it’s a good enough mix of both. This took way longer than the 4 days I was planning to write this in.

I was later reminded that I could do a post on how their abilities functioned and reflect on their abuse/traumatic events, but I didn’t think I’d have enough room for that here. It could be a bonus post eventually? I don’t think I did Kyouka enough justice in that aspect, but i’d just be beating myself up again about not making this perfect.

I hope I don’t come off scary or a very serious person? I’m very open to requests or discussions people want to engage in. Oh jeez, I’ll just embarrass myself if I keep talking. Writing this was a bit much, never really liked writing stuff myself. Sorry if glossed over anything, I wanted to stay on topic and not detail into something unnecessary.

The message BSD has is a pretty normal one, but there’s something very special about how it’s written here and I’m happy it exists. Maybe I shouldn’t have made this so long? But there’s so much to express sigh……

[rarepears]

This is the Shen Jiu marries an Arabian prince and gets super into astronomy anon, but I just thought of like.

So, the Arabs do a lot as merchants. Which would probably put them mainly in contact with Shang Qinghua.

It makes me wonder if transmigrator!SQH ended up negotiating a contract with the besotted prince and went "I CAN GET MY POOR LITTLE MEOW MEOW OUT OF HERE AND STOP FEELING LIKE SHIT OVER HOW HIS STORY ENDED!!!!" and proceeded to immediately do everything in his power to make that marriage happen because while he has zero confidence that dropping Shen Jiu in the lap of someone who adores him unconditionally will fix him now or ever, it definitely can't make things worse, and will in fact go a very long way to preventing things getting worse.

Also makes me think of SQH eventually being like the only one Shen Jiu kept in contact with, because yes he's annoying and pitiful, but when he was pulling the "marry Shen Jiu to besotted foreign royalty" bandwagon, it wasn't because he wanted to get rid of him, it was because Shang Qinghua wanted Shen Jiu to be around people who liked and would appreciate him, rather than stuck rotting in Harem Drama Hell. Maybe initially they only kept in contact for trade agreement reasons (which was ostensibly the purpose of this marriage) but SQH always made sure to a) bring some of Shen Jiu's favorites from home, b) genuinely make sure he was okay, and c) check and make sure that his husband was still besotted. Maybe Shen Jiu discovered SQH had a "smuggle my scariest shixiong to......... Eh I'll figure it out" plan in the event of Shen Jiu being mistreated? Or one of his least favorite courtiers says something snide and before Shen Jiu can get a word out Shang Qinghua says something that makes the man cry with fear. Idk how they get to the point of "spiritually you are siblings" but I am having visions of Shang Qinghua and Shen Jiu drinking anachronistic coffee (bc this is Airplane's novel ofc it is) over tanghulu and red bean paste buns and not mentioning the peak lords even once. Just chatting about trade and SJ running the kingdom with his husband and fabric and cool knives. Possibly with a side of Shen Yuan being a prince (adoption? Magic? Who knows) and SQH being his favorite uncle.

.......I wonder if SQH warns Shen Jiu that Binghe is coming/keeps him updated on demonic happenings.

.................wasn't OG Rat Qinghua supposed to get murdered by MBJ for betraying him.

Oh no.

NOW I am going down rabbit holes of Moshang typical violent misunderstandings and lack of communication, except this time SQH is the adoptive younger brother of an Arabian queen, and oh God the court intrigue and politics and drama you could pull with that. Esp if Shen Jiu eventually just. Yoinks SQH. "If this ice king wants to keep you around then he's welcome to start fucking acting like it."

And ofc Shen Jiu's husband won't say shit besides "oh we gotta welcome my brother in law appropriately! Make sure he has clothes and nice rooms etc etc" because he's also familiar with the little merchant/logistics lord who is absolutely wide eyed fluffy hamster levels of ADORABLE (bc I firmly believe SQH is the cutest little thing second to nothing but White Lotus Binghe, and also oblivious to this) and correctly thinks that having SQH's spymaster/logistics capabilities working for them is a good thing.

So SQH gets a break, gets to wear some super pretty clothes, gets to never have to worry about freezing to death, or getting injured accidentally or otherwise, etc etc. The courtiers, especially the scientifically inclined ones, adore him, partly bc he's cheating using modern knowledge. But he tells such wonderful stories! And he runs things so efficiently!

The Queen is sharp and brilliant, beautiful and vicious when provoked. His younger brother is just as intelligent, but is absolutely adorable, skilled at organization and he tells the *best* stories.

(please I just want Shang Qinghua to get so much of the appreciation he craves that he doesn't even know what to do with it)

MBJ and LBH are both sulking in the demon realm bc Shen Jiu is forcing them to think about what they've done and use their words.

......ok now I want "disillusioned but naive" Binghe and "learned but foolish" Shen Yuan to get a romance. They both learn that life and the world isn't what they thought it was together. Shen Jiu is furious but Binghe has taken every bit of his running a kingdom advice to heart and is truly genuinely doing everything right. Finding out the beast refuses to so much as hold hands with A-Yuan until Shen Jiu has approved of him would, once upon a time, have caused him to double down on disapproval. Now- with his doting husband who looks thoughtfully at the pair and says, with the look on his face that means he's thinking of their own relationship, "maybe we should give him the chance to disappoint us first. Something tells me he's not going to,"- Shen Jiu sighs heavily and sets about making a true good faith attempt to finding out if Binghe and a-Yuan are suited to each other.

(the main reason he does so is because his a-Yuan loves monsters, and Binghe will be able to take him to see as many as he wants while still being single mindedly focused on keeping him safe.)

YES YES YES!

EVERYTHING IS A BIG FUCKING RED YES!

SOMEONE MAKE THIS INTO A 100K FIC BECAUSE THIS IS PERFECTION!

[More in #Shen Jiu is forced into an arranged marriage to an Arabian Prince AU]

[dotster001]

How You Met/Enemies to Lovers Crewel Edition

Summary:Divus Crewel x gn!reader. After misunderstanding the reason you were failing his class, he ended up spending lots of time with you. Part of the mini series requested by @stygianoir

A/N: It's in my pinned post, and I've mentioned this in a couple posts, but if this is the first of my stuff you've read, I view NRC as an actual college, so reader here is 18+. If it makes you more comfy, imagine it as grad school age.

Other Versions- Idia. Crowley. Malleus. Vil. Rook. Lilia. Leona.

Divus didn't like to throw around the word stupid around a lot, especially concerning students. But it was starting to be hard to find a better word for you…

"I just don't understand, Y/N. How can you not understand the most basic principles of potionology?"

He had called you to his office after classes to discuss with you your complete lack of knowledge, even in the most basic of courses.

"In our most basic course, you should be reviewing the things you learned in high school potions.  Even if you aren't solid on it, you should have a better grade in this course than you do!"

You winced, shrinking into the chair as much as possible, and mumbled something.

"Speak up, puppy!"

You cleared your throat, "Professor, I'm doing my best. I'm having both Vil and Riddle tutor me, and I spend as much time as possible studying for this class. It's just hard to undo everything I've learned," you were starting to get more hysterical the longer you spoke. "I mean, literally, you're asking me to learn things that completely challenge all the laws of science I've ever learned!" You stood up and smacked the table in frustration. "I'm doing my best, man! I just…I can't…it's…."

"Sit!" He shouted, and you plopped back down into your seat, wide eyes displaying fear.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed heavily. "If you could please remind me of what high school you graduated from."

You sat in silence, pursing your lips in a tight line. After he was certain that you weren't going to answer, he stood up. 

"Wait here," he said, leaving you to go to the headmage's office.

                                ….

Divus had cursed Crowley on his entire trip back to the office. Of course that bird brain would have "forgotten" to mention that you were not from a world or even a dimension with magic. You should have been in remedial private lessons the entire semester. 

He slammed the door loudly on his way back into the office, clearly startling you in your seat.

"Alright, puppy. Your situation has been properly explained to me. Starting now, you will be in private lessons with me, on top of your tutoring with Rose hearts and Schoenheit. I will be in contact with them so that we can all be in agreement on a curriculum, and you will learn it. Mark my words, you will pass this course." 

You nodded shakily. He dismissed you with a flick of the wrist, and you practically ran from his office.  He sighed as he began to map out a plan for your lessons. This would be a long hard road.

                                     ….

You had surprised him. You had spent the last four years studying potions with him. That first year had been hard, but before the exam, you had had a breakthrough, and it had all been uphill from there. By the end of your second year, you were all caught up to the current curriculum. By your third year, you had surpassed it. 

You were now nearing the end of your fourth year, and still in lessons with him, although, now it wasn't to catch you up, it was to  keep you learning.

You had been limited in your internship options, due to your lack of magic. Divus had even written a glowing recommendation for you, but it had been for naught. At least until he had realized that you could be his teaching assistant for your internship.

It hadn't been a glamorous position, but you seemed to enjoy it; getting to work with potions, having access to the magical library, being at a center point so you could still see your friends, it had been perfect for you.

But your internship was nearing its end, and people had caught on to your skill in potions. You were getting job offers left and right, for ridiculous amounts of money. And it was making Divus nauseous.

"Another offer, pup?" He looked up from the papers he was grading, to see you at your own desk looking at a letter.

"Mhmm," you acknowledged, reading the letter. 

"And?" 

You set the letter down, and grinned. "Aw, are you worried about me? I'm just going to let them know I'll think it over. I've told everyone I won't make a decision until I have my degree in my hand."

"Are you planning something that would make that not happen?" He asked, matching your grin.

You laughed. "Well, Grim is scheduled to be back next week, and Ace is a day behind, so anything is possible."

"Just remember, bad puppies will need to be retrained," he flashed a devilish grin.

You gasped in mock horror. "Thanks for the reminder, I'll try to let them know."

You both went back to your work. After some time in the silence, he found himself looking at you again and again. Eventually, he was all out staring. You were so focused on your paperwork. You looked truly beautiful.

It hadn't been until the letters started coming in that he had realized his time with you was coming to an end. He'd grown used to your presence. No, that wasn't right. He'd grown dependent on your presence. Seeing you everyday, working close to you, seeing you make new discoveries, watching you help other students achieve what you had…. he'd fallen at some point without even realizing it.

To make matters worse, you were one of the few reasons he took care of himself. You brought him food on days he'd forgotten to pack some. You made him coffee on late nights. You volunteered to take up some of his work when he was getting run down. He had never realized how much he had stopped caring about his general health until you started doing it for him.

He was the happiest he had been in years. And you were going to be leaving him. 

He hadn't spoken of his feelings, because he had only recently noticed them himself. Besides, he couldn't be sure how you felt about him. You two had definitely grown closer, but was it close enough for you to feel the same way?

                                   ….

The school had hosted a graduation party. After the official ceremony  all the grads, their family, and anyone who had been invited to the ceremony itself were in attendance. It was usually a way for classmates and teachers to have a last hurrah before going out into the real world.

But you had been swamped by people who were offering you jobs. They were all complimenting you, pressuring you to make your decision, and just in general bothering you.

Eventually, he noticed you were able to break off from the group, and step outside. He followed you, worried after seeing you swamped with people.

You had found a bench to sit on, and were staring at the stars. You looked beautiful in the moonlight, so at peace. He quietly sat next to you, and patted your knee.

"How are you doing, puppy?" He asked.

You turned your head to face him. "Well, I've been here long enough to get a degree, and am no closer to going home. Oh, and I still haven't decided where to work now that I've graduated." You giggled. "But I'm fine."

"Hm." He said. "Well, for the first point, you truly are gifted at potions, so I selfishly am happy you've been here long enough to get a degree in it. And, hopefully by now you've found something that makes being here worthwhile."

You stared at him for a moment, then quickly turned away. "Yeah, I guess so." You stood up, and stretched. "I'm gonna head back in, thanks for checking on me." You began to walk away.

"Don't go," he couldn't look at you, but he heard you stop walking. "Stay here."

You giggled, "I would but it's getting cold out here and I don't have a fire coat like you…."

"That's not what I meant," he stood up, and strode over to you with an intense confidence. He ran a gloved hand down your cheek as he spoke, his discerning gaze picking up the shiver you tried to hide.

" I mean at NRC. I want you to stay here as my teaching assistant and," he paused.  Once he crossed this line he could never go back. Who knew the master would become so shaken by a puppy. "I want you to stay with me."

His hand froze on the side of your face waiting for your response. After what felt like a painful wait, you nuzzled into his hand. Nothing could stop his grin.

"I think I'll take that job," you smiled up at him sweetly.

"And my other proposal?"

You shrugged, and walked off with a mischievous grin. Ah. You were going to need some heavy retraining. But there would be plenty of time for that. For now, he would just enjoy the knowledge that you had chosen him. He looked up into the stars and thanked whoever or whatever had brought you to his world. Then he returned to the party, feeling uplifted for the first time in two weeks.

[devouredbyflame]

Let’s talk about what humans do versus what the Gods can do so as to make a point about what humans are doing that have nothing to do with the Divine. Especially in regards to people claiming to be speaking and acting on behalf of the Divine.

(TW: s*x abuse, ch*ld abuse, spiritual abuse, manipulation)

How do these people make themselves known? Well, it’s easy. There are predators out there who use fear and manipulation tactics to groom and take advantage of their lack of knowledge about a Deity’s existence.

This is why education about discernment and spiritual psychosis needs to go hand in hand with mystical information. For too long the resources we have do not handle these types of things and would sooner conflate the actions of a human with the actions of a Deity. We must hold ourselves responsible for these things pervading the community but it’s impossible with the resources that we have now.

The victim will likely never see the difference because that’s how trauma works - it is impairing of judgment and other nervous system responses that would further assist in determining a communication from the Gods. Trauma dims out what could be the Gods’ communication and replaces it with the trauma. The Gods are not perfect and even if you think They should stop every situation from happening in Their name, They cannot because access to Them has been erased by the pedophiles, narcissists and other awful people who would sooner place themselves in the position of the Deity in order to provoke, disturb, and take advantage of others.

This happens the most, it seems, with Loki. Which, if you actually do know Loki, He would likely never be the provocateur of abuse but based on His controversy, tends to be the scapegoat for it due to misinformation, misunderstanding due to the aforementioned people.

I am not saying the Gods are perfect by any means (They are pretty awful Themselves) but They are more often than not shrouded in peoples’ perceptions by this awful continuous issue in our community and we need to start talking about why this happens instead of running the other direction. We need to allow the Gods to present Themselves rather than relying on other humans for it to work which means we need more education in regards to mysticism and discernment rather than assuming everything people do is invalid.

A properly trained person who has been given the appropriate tools to be able to facilitate and transmit direct communication from the Divine are never going to be abusing anyone unless they would like to have their ass handed to them by the Deity they claim to speak for.

We have a problem with narcissism in this religion. We are a religion full of people who are marginalized, have been deemed unlovable and broken by society, and are searching for meaning in a society devoid of meaningful relationships, community, and is running rampant with narcissists preying on people left and right.

I myself have ran into my fair share of people who have been groomed by others and manipulated and abused by people who claim to know better in regards to what the Deity wants from them. I have also been manipulated myself by people who claim to know better than me.

We cannot allow these people to take away the sanctity of Divine communication, the blessing, necessity, and support of community, and places that should allow others to heal in a place where there should be healing rather than destroyed or impaired even further by hateful people. It is not impossible but it takes work where most people are too afraid to venture.

I don’t know what it could look like but the reason I do this work and the reason that any person who is working in partnership with the Divine should be interested in - healing.

If there is anything I do know, the people who have committed these acts will get what comes to them.

[emblazons]

About your last post: "In these last few months she's been so lost without you", and then we have everything else pointing that it was the absence of hopper that made her feel lost and not Mike's. Her demand for Mike stating clearly that he loves her is a consequence of missing her dad's love.

that part (and here is the post, for everyone else).

it's a common theme that Will (like El at the start with her "I think it is for a girl") is misunderstanding El's feelings based on his lack of knowledge + his own feelings, because it's clear that the person El misses and fights to defend most is Hop, not Mike—

—even though she's trying to use her relationship with Mike to fill the space left behind by Hopper in S3 (because he is one of those "primary male influences" I talked about here).

El has spent the entire season going through Mike, Brenner, and even Henry looking for someone to help her fill the void losing Hopper left behind...which we hear clearly only from Joyce, when she sees Hopper and tells him this....and see clearly see when she shuts Mike out while leaning on Hopper instead end of the season.

They even shot-for-shot parallel Hopper and Mike's reunions to drive home the point that who she's really looking for to fill the void is Hopper. 😭

tl;dr: the man El misses most/whose absence she feels most is Hopper, not Mike—Mike is it for Will. That's not even a new theme, either—it slots right in with her overarching series theme of searching for family "home" as a direct contrast to Will (and Mike's) search for "together," just like everything else. :)

thanks for the ask!

[blade-liger-4ever]

Jayrae thoughts (trigger warning: mentions of drugs, neglectful parents, demon parents (?), death, gangs, hope this is good enough for warnings)

Okay, @wickedhexedwitch has gotten me onto the Jayrae (Jason Todd/Red Hood x Rachel Roth/Raven) ship pretty hard, despite my poor, limited knowledge of Teen Titans - and, to a slightly lesser extent, DC Comics as a whole.

But now, I can’t help but think about how awesome their dynamic would be. Just imagine with me for a moment.

You have Raven, a young girl who was raised to be her demon father’s ultimate weapon/avatar. She went through a horrible childhood, eventually managing to escape and suppress her emotions to keep dear old dad away. Because of this, she is more reserved and closed off than her teammates, who are more or less physical embodiments of chaos. Naturally, Raven has to keep her empathetic tendencies in control, which means she doesn’t turn out as wild as the others.

Then take Jason. The boy’s had the worst childhood out of any of the Robins (I’m not counting Damian because, on account of Bruce’s life, he was pulled into the Wayne family drama): Jason’s mother was an addict, his father either went to jail or took off, and Jason thereby suffered from emotional, mental and spiritual neglect. And then, after getting killed by Joker, Jason is forcefully brought back to life by Ra’s a’Ghul, with an equally messed up head now that he’d shared the Lazarus Pit with Ra’s.

After coming to terms with Bruce and getting off his need for lone wolf vigilantism, Jason comes back to running some missions with his adopted family. On one of these missions, they wind up teaming up with the Titans for Raven’s medical expertise and to hunt down Deathstroke.

And Raven’s just so...quiet.

Jason’s irked by her lack of emotion, but also amazed at her control. No matter what he says, what he does, or any other antic his siblings or the other Titans get up to, Raven remains impassive and collected. In spite of how aggravating he finds it, Jason finds her quiet control a soothing balm. Soon enough, he begins talking with her about books, starting with the classics that Jason, up until this point, has not spoken about with anyone. Eventually, they spend more time discussing everything from Shakespeare to C.S. Lewis. And then, Jason finds out that Raven’s not a particularly good physical fighter. Offended on her behalf, he insists/drags Raven to the training room to teach her how to defend herself should she be depowered.

And Raven’s just astounded by this man. He’s a smart-mouth, a belligerent fighter, and just all around loose cannon. But now, she’s learned that Jason’s mind is a sharp as his sword, and that underneath his cocky attitude, he cares. No one else on the team has given thought to teaching her to fight without her powers. Despite what he’d have others believe, he has a kind heart. A heart that, dare she say it, is kinder than any Raven’s come across.

And so they’re partnered up on missions. With Raven’s vast magical/supernatural powers and Jason’s exceptional combat and weapon skills, the two make an incredible team. During this time, they find that their partnership is almost seamless, with few misunderstandings between them. Growing comfortable around each other, Raven breaks the ice first by admitting to her heritage and upbringing, something that still upsets her. At first she’s nervous, thinking he might reject her for her early life.

But she’s surprised when Jason gets quiet, slowly taking off his mask as she finishes her tale. After a moment, he tells her that his mother had never shown such care for him. She was always looking for the next drug to make her forget the world, forget him. His father never bothered to be in the picture, forcing Jason to carve out his own life. He tells her the times he went hungry, the times he stole, the first time he killed in self-defense. And Raven realizes that he’s trusting her with his past, just like she did with him. She gives him a smile - a small one, but so genuine that Jason decides it’s the best gesture that’s ever graced his life - and thanks him for it.

They clearly have eyes for each other by now, but Raven’s still not sure about how to express her positive emotions. And Jason, for all his bravado, is unwilling to make a move without knowing for sure that Raven reciprocates. The night before a mission, Raven goes to Starfire for advice on showing “strong affection”, as she puts it, for another. Starfire encourages her to let her emotions flower, but to keep them rooted in reality. Pondering this, Raven thanks her before heading out.

Unknown to either of the women, Dick discusses the mission with Jason before bringing up Raven. Although initially annoyed by the change in topic, Jason listens when Dick points out the signs of Raven’s feelings for him. When his brother is still unsure, Dick suggests not following his instincts this time, but his heart. Jason naturally punches his arm, but after a laugh and a, “Just try, okay?” from his older brother, Red Hood leaves a bit more thoughtful.

They head out, taking down the gang, but Raven takes a hit. Enraged, Jason kills the remaining gang members before carefully picking up Raven and leaving the scene. He’s quiet, not just because he’s still angry but also scared that Raven will think badly of him because of his deadly skills. However, Raven only asks if he’s alright, and after some more discussion, she picks up on a man following them.

Finding a spot to leave her, Jason goes back to deal with their pursuer. This man’s more formidable than the others, and once at a stalemate, Raven abruptly appears to shield Jason from a second man. Teaming up flawlessly, they take down the men, and Jason is stunned to see that Raven has healed. She admits that she accessed her positive emotions to both sense their enemies and to heal herself, finding that her love for Jason greatly overshadowed her negative ones.

Jason and Raven, each smiling like they haven’t in years, take this opportunity to kiss. Their relationship blooms from here on out, resulting in Rachel becoming the White Raven much sooner, and Jason tempering his wilder fighting style to reflect the calmer man that he’s become.

......wow, these two really came to life just now - and I think they’re gonna stick in my mind for awhile yet. Anyone who stuck around, thank you so much, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!

[ashcoveredtraveler]

My AU and fic designs for Pale King and White Lady (Along with backstory under the cut)

Let us start off with the White Lady. While she doesn't remember it, but has some recollection and knowledge of it, she started off as some sort of fluffy seed. A seed that can float in the wind and go far and wide. She landed in a canyon near a stream where she grew.

The canyon didn't get any sort of sun but that didn't matter to the White Lady as her species wasn't made to absorb the sun. She is pale and lacks chlorophyll. However, she needed a lot more nutrients in the ground, and even though there was a stream and soil it was only enough for her to grow enough to realize that she couldn't stay in that spot forever, so she unrooted herself and made the argus journey to somewhere safe.

Luckily for her, she metabolized way slower, that's why she's thick. But she moved so slowly. She came across some pockets of life, but it wasn't sustainable for her and left before she used up all of the nutrients so the pockets could recover for others. By the time she reached maturity, she made it to the Howling Cliffs. She made it to livable lands that could sustain her and others.

She was able to make her way to a pocket of greenery, but there was one issue. She was going to another god's lands. She would be stronger than Unn but she was so weak from her travels that she would be no match for the slug. She dredged her way to the very south of Unns land and tried to gain her strength there.

Many bugs didn't give her kindness in the area. She was in Unns land, and everyone there was worshipers of Unn. There would be no reason for another god to be on their god's land. She kept herself isolated as she slowly gained strength. His roots grew throughout and felt the land around her.

Eventually her roots picked up something strange on the other side of this livable land. She only saw paths of this creature created among her journey here and she knew it was a Wyrm. Out of curiosity she unroots herself and goes to the edge of the land.

The Pale King was born in the wastelands with his litter. He was raised by his father along with his siblings while the mother went off to find more mates, as there is a sex ratio of 1:10 making more males than females. Some one needs to train and take care of the young so that wyrms could actually live.

Once they were old enough to travel far, they left the nest and went on to see the wastes together. One day after a hunting session with his father, they came across a tiny kingdom. His father taught him that lesser and smaller bugs would only be useful to put in their thralls if there was a massive amount of them for them to accomplish massive tasks which the wyrms could find useful. However since they came across a small kingdom that isn't enough to eat or to put under their thrall, so they left.

This even sparked PK's interest in lesser insects. Not bugs that he could eat or make into slaves, but bugs that can be his servant and do things he is unable to do.

Once all of the siblings reached maturity, PK went the complete opposite direction of any wyrm trail and away from everything. He wanted to see more bugs, more kingdoms. Maybe even make his Kingdom?

He wandered and saw many livable lands, but they were either too small or didn't have what he was looking for. He eventually came across a steep cliff side. The sun rarely shined here and it occasionally snowed. But on the opposite side of the cliff he could feel life. He could feel potential.

He then started crafting his new body within him. He knew that it would be nearly impossible to rule with a body like his, so he needed to downsize. He wandered around the edge of the land. He was losing energy, trying to make a body for himself, so he was weak. Suddenly he was ensnared in pale roots.

The WL and PK's introduction was a misunderstanding. WL thought that PK was slowing himself down to put her guard down so he could attack her. PK explained his situation and story and he ensnared WL with his words. He knew that he would be extremely weak once he was reborn, so he begged for the WL to take care of him.

She did and then this was a start of an alliance, which turns into friendship then a partnership.

[imagine-silk]

Dragon Age Inquisition; Finding out a Scout has a crush on Varric

DORIAN

If he heard about it he takes this information to you to check it's authenticity and once he sees it's true he makes it his business.

It is now the most interesting thing he gets to do instead of looking at Skyhold's lack luster library and drinking.

He assures you he will not tell another soul, to which he keeps his word, but he also brings to your attention he heard it elsewhere so it is a rumor.

If he heard it from you he gets excited. You're asking him for help, how precious.

Drops everything to learn about what the situation is. Hell, he'll take you out to Val Royeaux to indulge in food and wine while making sure no one is listening.

He assures you he will not tell another soul, and he keeps his word. He won't even tell Bull/the Inquisitor. Your secret will be safe with him.

Him helping you relates to self-esteem for both you and Varric.

For you he helps you find a sense of style while you're off duty and overall become more confident. Learning to stick up for yourself and be who you are unapologetically. If you're a mage he studies with you.

For Varric he just boosts him by separating him from his mistakes and complimenting the best of him. Overall showing him he has something to offer other people.

Sounds really simple because it is. He wants you to go for it not for him to set you up and he can't outright give Varric hints because; One, he'll immediately see what's going on and Two, Varric wasn't looking for love so that would be a swift rejection.

CULLEN

If he heard about it, it was because his recruits we're talking about it and he only finds out it was you when you bring a report and he complains about the recruits being distracted with the rumor.

He feels bad about complaining about your crush. To make up for it he helps quiet the rumor amongst his soldiers.

If you ask he'll even assign you to places the inquisitor will head next. He finds your crush endearing and quite adorable, though he'll never admit it.

If you told him, it was likely because you asked him for a reassignment to follow the Herald and in that conversation confess the reason.

You expect to be turned down flat but to your surprise he agrees. He finds your crush endearing and quite adorable, though he'll never admit it.

From then on he assigns you to the inquisitor's side as a personal scout. Which not only gets you close the inner circle, it also helps their efforts and makes everything more convenient for everyone.

Him helping you relates to his knowledge of gossiping.

He himself doesn't really gossip, however the people around him do it nonstop, especially when he lived in the barracks. He knows how fast rumors work and to be careful with them.

The rumors themselves are generally harmless. "This scout gets to travel with the Herald because they spotted an ambush and saved a battalion." The story is true but ultimately not the real reason.

He'll even go so far as to brag about this scout to the inquisitor or Varric himself. If you're a range fighter, mage or rouge, he'll suggest you both get to know one another on the battlefield, that you can teach one another and join forces in the back ranks. Kind of forward but it still just a commander bragging about his officers.

CASSANDRA

If she heard about it, she thinks it so romantic. But she didn't know which scout it was until she saw you around him.

She bumps into you and sees how you look at him, without thinking she blurts out, "You're the scout in love with Varric." Luckily no one was around to hear it.

Apologizes but wants details. Why do you like him? When did this start? How well do you know him? Do you talk to him? Do you flirt!? DOES HE FLIRT!?

If you tell her, it's most likely because she keeps an eye on him and she caught you watching him.

In this case she thinks your suspicious and trying to get to him in some way and you think she likes him. Misunderstandings all around. Once that's out of the way she thinks it's so romantic.

Will invite you to drink with her and talk. It doesn't have to be about him but she does want the tea. Also takes this opportunity to get to morale around the scouts and training.

Her helping you relates to her hyping you up and keeping you alive.

She can't really give you fashion advice but she can give you armor advice and training to keep you alive. If you do need fashion and social advice she talks to Leliana and Josephine to help you.

Training with her is awesome no matter what class you are, even if you're a mage. If you are a mage she'll still spar with you to keep up your strength. Some of the recruits are jealous though, personal sparing with her is something people would kill for.

Is the only one who doesn't tell Varric anything. Not because she can't but she doesn't want to intervene with this love story. Very content on the sidelines.

[antivanruffles]

Rating: T Chapter 2/? Pairing: Gon/Killua Tags: Future Fic, Friends to Lovers, Feelings Realization, Denial of Feelings, Pining, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Misunderstandings, Fluff and Humor, Drama, POV Alternating, Swearing

Chapter summary: It's a beautiful day on Whale Island and you are a terrible letter....

__________________

"Gon?" Mito's voice floated out from the kitchen. "Do you think you could run down to the market and grab a few things before it gets too picked over?" 

"Of course." He sat aside the book report he had been pretending to write for the last half an hour. It was for extra credit, and he had enjoyed the book, but trying to get the words out was a chore. Besides it was a beautiful day out and it seemed a waste to stay cooped up all day. Aunt Mito likely realized this. 

He stepped into the kitchen where she was sorting through the spice rack. She handed him a small piece of paper with what she needed. "Might as well check and see if the post has come in while you’re down there." 

"Right!" He nodded and raced out the door. A few seconds later he doubled back with a sheepish grin to grab Mito's basket to carry everything, and his camera by the door. 

Despite his hasty exit, Gon took his time wandering into town. Enjoying the fresh air and stillness of the island around him. In recent years he had learned to slow down, to a point. Repeating his training without the pressing urgency of before helped, so had photography. That had started with an old camera that had belonged to Grandma Abe in her youth. He found he liked the process of it: focusing the photos manually, getting film developed, and having actual photographs to hold and keep. Much better than snapping pictures on his phone. He had gotten proficient enough that he had upgraded his camera, and gone so far as to repurpose their downstairs closet into a darkroom so he could develop the film and make prints himself. 

Now he could spend his time cataloging all the various plants and animals he came across, or the interesting people he met when they passed through the harbor. He liked those encounters a lot, it was a little glimpse into the outside world. 

Lately Gon found himself longing to travel again, to sate that wanderlust. The short visits he took never quite cut it, they were always planned and lacked any sense of adventure. Gon missed the adventure, at least he thought he did. Whale Island was home, and it was nice to be home, but it was missing something. 

He just--he just wished he wasn't alone on the island. 

Of course he had Aunt Mito and Grandma Abe, but it wasn't the same as having his friends around. Even if he did get to visit them from time to time, it wasn’t like when he traveled with them and had them by his side. And as much as he loved his friends, seeing them certainly wasn’t the same as having Killua by his side. 

Gon tried not to miss him, it wasn't fair to miss him, not when he was doing what was best for himself and for Alluka. But that knowledge didn't make it any easier on Gon. 

[continued on AO3]

[my-strange-attraction]

ok so I’m aroace and have identified as such for a while, but I am also a hopeless romantic and want to be in a relationship and I’ve recently been talking to this guy that I am interested in, but I don’t know how I should breach the topic of my lack of romantic interest in people. To my knowledge, he is straight and interested in me romantically, and I care about him and have no romantic feelings for him too, enough to want a relationship with him. Do you have any advice for how I can start this conversation with him because I think he has assumed I like him romantically?

Thanks for the ask!

To be honest, the answer to this one is less of an answer than I think you might hope for, because due to the lack of deep understanding in general society about aspec identities, there's a chance that even if you explain your aromanticism to the best of your abilities, he may not understand exactly what you're trying to say.

I know and you know that relationships are weird things, and one person can see it as romantic even if the other doesn't, and you can still have a great time and enjoy the same activities as a fully romantic (or fully platonic) couple. However, most people, if told that someone doesn't like them romantically, will assume that a relationship is off the table, or at the very least will assume that you like them less than they like you.

It depends on how well this guy knows and understands the aro label and community (for example: does he know about qprs?) and also depends on how open you two tend to be in discussions about identity and life philosophy. If this isn't a topic you've already broached (without talking about your own connection to it, I mean) or a topic you would be likely to broach, I would say hold off for a bit.

I know it can feel sometimes like a lie to keep a part of your identity from somebody, especially someone who you would want to be in a close relationship with. However, you have to ask yourself if your label is so important to you that you would risk not being able to have a relationship with this guy.

For example, I am definitely arospec to some degree, but if I were to enter into a relationship with someone who doesn't know so much about the community, I might hold off a bit on letting on that I don't feel romantic attraction to them. It's not a part of my label that I'm so attached to that I need to hold onto it really tightly, and it's not something everybody needs to know about me. It's not a lie to not tell this person, it's just avoiding a misunderstanding in the early stages of relationship.

Obviously the ultimate goal of a relationship (for most people) is to share everything with each other, or at least feel comfortable to do so. However, sometimes when you're just starting a relationship, it's better to smooth it over if it's not something that will cause a big issue and tell them later on when you're both more secure in the relationship.

Although, to answer your original question (oops, I rambled again!), when you do broach the topic, if you do, my biggest tip would be to not do it all at once. Make sure they know about the aro community, make sure they know about the different types of attraction, make sure they know about qprs, and make sure they know that no actions are inherently romantic, sexual, sensual, etc, it's all based on intention. Once he has a good understanding of all that, then I think telling him about you won't be as scary as it might otherwise be to someone who likes you romantically.

All that said, I have never been in a relationship, known a person I want to be in a relationship with, or pursued a relationship, so all of this is theoretical knowledge from what I know from TV and my own platonic relationships. Stick with your gut on the situation, and everything will turn out as it was meant to. As always, any followers are welcome to chime in with more advice! I hope this all helps, anon, and hopefully didn't hurt your eyes too much from the sheer volume of it! I had a lot to say, I guess, haha.

[shufflet]

So there were a lot of details I missed after rewatching Tales of the Foundation. But they still fit perfectly with my suspicion on how the scp foundation interacts with ordinary people or would civilian populations be more accurate?

Now I could be completely wrong about things which is fine. Those can stay fanfics. Kinda doubt we are going to get any new content but I can still have my fun speculating. It's going to be two years soon of no new animations and the original YouTube channel has said they are working on a different project.

Okay let's start with Agent Lawrence. Now I know electrician is more than dealing with electrical equipment in the scp universe because of the wiki explaining the foundation has a more supernatural power source. But the way Lawrence mentioned used to being an electrician seems more of an ordinary electrician job. Like when he got the power back on it during scp 106 wasn't based on use of supernatural elements. So the idea of this guy just getting dragged into the foundation after witnessing stuff that definitely doesn't belong in normal electrical equipment is my favorite theory. The MFT career might have been due to his reaction to a supernatural threat that usually most people would have died from.

I completely forgot that Dr. Collingwood had outright said she had a PHD in Experimental Research of Cryptids. Sorry about that. So she probably either took a chance on a shady college that later led her to the scp foundation or most likely is part of the population in the scp foundation universe that has prior knowledge. Still cool and I wonder if that has lead to to misunderstanding in the past with other coworkers. It also could explain the different reactions between the meeting photo between Dr Collingwood and Dr Buck. Personally after rewatching I think she probably knew stuff that families who outright have a culture from working mainly with people in the scp foundation itself.

Now about Dr Buck, odds are most likely prior knowledge since her father worked in the foundation. But I have a pet theory with the idea that she may not have outright know about what the foundation was at first. This secrecy with her father having a job that is not on any known legitimate agency could have contributed significantly to family difficulties. Since the politics even in a scp universe would have their own political scares with governments both knowing and not knowing everything with this organization that might as well be its own country/government that operates by hiding itself from the general public. This lack of transparency between her parents could have contributed significantly to the arguments that was depicted in a flashback. Her mother would definitely would want explanations especially since there could be psychological tolls that working with a secretive job that cant be declassified and/or actual unexplained close calls that could have been dangerous to her and her family thanks to the father's secretive job. Their constant fighting could have led to Dr Buck trying to be more independent of her parents with her own goals earlier on. One of the things the scp 3887 preyed upon was Dr Buck's childhood fears and her fear of being insignificant. Regardless of if Dr Buck knew of the foundation, she could have been a workaholic that focused a lot on achieving goals but neglects socializing outside of work. I still like the idea that Dr. Buck had veterinarian experience and later a marine biology degree that got her either acquired by the foundation or was simply a job that looked good on paper that turned out to be the same company her father could never give answers for. Especially since anomalies can be come in a lot of varieties. I still think that some sort of undersea anomaly is what led to her initial hiring. She later got answers to lot of questions later on about her family's secret job.

Agent Carson I'm speculating was raised knowing and wanting to be part of the Mobile Task Force in the past. Much like how some kids want to be soldiers. His disillusionment when talking to Agent Ramsey about being disposable as the D class makes me wonder if he puts a lot of faith in his gear more than other people. As for why Carson doesn't have a former civilian vibe, he does complain and compare things within conversations. He seems like the type of guy to accidently over share some of his past.

[didsastrotarot]

🔮 PICK-A-CARD - WHAT DO YOU NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW? 🔮

Choose one of this cards or crystals intuitively and check the results below!

CARD 1 - WHITE QUARTZ CRYSTAL

Reading your energy, it feels like you're about to show your true colours. I don't mean this in a shady way, I just feel like you're about to face your toughest fears, even using them in your favour.

I would also advise you to take initiative, because luck is on your side. Don't hide what you want anymore, you don't have to! Instead, commit to it, and you'll be your most successful.

I also want you to remember that everything has consequences, either good or bad. If you've done some good deeds this year, they will come back to you in double.

Now it's a time you should be careful with miscommunications. Your intuition is at full speed, but people aren't the same as you. Some people lack the same understanding and knowledge you have about life and they will misunderstand you, if you don't make yourself clear of your intentions.

Basically, I see a lot of success and progress for you in the next few months. You have the power to change and manifest anything you want to!

CARD 2 - DALMATIAN JASPER

First thing I notice when reading your energy is that you need to protect it. You can be kind, but not be dumb. Be very careful of the people you allow in your energy and about the ones you do things for.

I see a lot of changes happening in your life. You're transitioning, shifting and evolving. Don't be scared of this change, because your true happiness is on the other side of this. Random note, be careful with scammers. If you're a reader, be extra careful. Also, miscommunications are about to be a theme. Make sure you explain yourself well if the situation is important. Mercury Retrograde is about to do a number on most people.

If you're worrying about a specific situation, just know that time will solve everything. Things are easier than you think. You're an over-thinker, I can definitely tell by this reading. You're also very restless. It's like you're never satisfied, and you're always looking for more. You need to be more patient.

You may be going through a phase of not wanting to deal with anybody. You need to socialise more, it will be beneficial for you.

Be positive. Everything will work itself out!

CARD 3 - BLUE-GRAIN STONE

I see that you're a natural leader. You're also someone who doesn't let anybody change them. You're very, very stubborn! My advice would be that you should listen more to what others have to say.

You have very good friends that only want what's best for you! I also feel like someone might be needing you right now. I sense a mother figure needing your support. If this is confirmed, make sure you help them, but without hurting yourself. It's important to be compassionate, but boundaries are even more important. If you need to, ask for help as well! I know it's hard for you, but friendship goes both ways. I also feel like something you're about to or planning to do is very controversial, or at least not expected coming from you. This may be you ending a relationship or years, or you starting a business that people feel it won't work, but I'm here to tell you to do it!

Enjoy time by yourself. Do your own thing. I also feel like there is something you need to give up on, and you got to have the strength to do it, because it's making you miserable. It's important you learn with your own mistakes, but don't be too stubborn for your own good.

A bond is about to be broken. This is meant to happen, and you should be positive about it! Better things are to come. Also, don't be too radical. Just because this situation didn't work, it doesn't mean it will be like that with everybody/everything. Learn to go with the flow!

[writer-dipsundarkanjilal]

Why Improving Thoughts?

There are thousands of motivational books around, talk about how to improve your thoughts. Now a days many YouTubers have started sharing lectures about thought leadership. Even I heard that in India, many motivational speakers are conducting seminars just to talk about Time management, Startups etc. and citizens are investing good money to attend them. But, why?

Why Improving Thoughts is so important? What's wrong with your existing thoughts and believes? Are they not true?

Then how our parents and ancestors were surviving without hearing these lectures??

Don’t misunderstand my arguments, they are not mine. I know improvement is inevitable. These are the questions from my audiences.

First of all, your mind is the kitchen of all your Thoughts. You derive thoughts when you observe something from your surroundings. Later your constant observations on something in a particular way, creates you believe that approach. After this we all know. Your belief system controls your mind for subsequent action and your action returns your result. This is a known psychology.

What is not so common here is why do you think in a certain way without evaluating that positive and negative aspect of it? Or, even if you see all positive aspects in a negative thought, why do you see all positive only?

Your observation is sometimes diluted by distractors. We are distracted by our own lifestyles. Unknowingly, we convert our Wants into Needs and pay hefty Credit card bill every month. We are distracted by so many advertisements, channels, media, newspapers, social media, our business, our office, our families and so on. They are not bad but they provide so much of information that instead of focusing on our intelligence and discover new ideas or opportunities, you burn all your energies daily in processing the available information. You forget to pull the husk to draw the seeds. You forget to go depth in one topic and become master of that instead.

In order to grow in today’s world having “T” shaped mentality is important. Breadth and Depth. Only widening your knowledge about many things can confuse your decision-making power.

As a result, you will become short lived, low patience, lack of control on your thoughts because you don’t have time in the race of processing all information.

The real problem is – Lack of mindfulness. We are suffering from this disease and we realize it more often when we face some challenges and don’t get any answer from our mind to solve them.

Mind fogging is a problem and hence mind works abnormally. It wants everything at one go. In order to avoid mind fogging, motivational speakers spread this slogan – improve your thoughts! Like in some families in India, they believe that if someone calls you from behind while you are starting your journey for a good work– that day can turn into evil for you and you might fail to achieve your desired result from your work. This believe has become so widespread that no one questions the rationale behind it.

A negative thought can generate wrong believe and the result would be further negative. Some people make this further down. When they fail, they make this supersition as a rule in their families. They create more negative thoughts and frustrations. Finally, this process of thinking becomes a Fictitious Cycle.

In older days, our ancestors never used to get so much of information so easily due lack of globalization. They used to follow motivational guidance from the Holy books. Therefore, the urgency of improving mindfulness was met at that time through their spiritual masters.

At present, some people take Holy books as religious fanatism.  Therefore, you need to work on your consciousness as a daily ritual. Consider this as mind exercise by following the motivational speakers and this is an investment in your career.

Using intelligence in the place of mind is a better option. If someone believes in spirituality, he will say – "Do not listen to your mind at all. Focus on your soul – which is your true sense of AWARENESS". That is pure and eternal. Your Inner-You is transcendental. If you start following your intelligence more, you can restore your positive energy, improve your thoughts as a result and you will get positive answers from within during all your obstacles in life.

Believe that mind has answers to all questions but those reside within your subconsciousness. If you learn to extract the right information at the right time, you can create better impact in your life.

Now, another important question is – Improving Thoughts towards where?? Upwards, downwards?

How do I know which direction is right for me?

You need to ask these questions to your awareness. Only your Inner-You is completely aware of what is right and wrong for you. Having less dependency on your mind and more on your consciousness and finding the true purpose of your life can help you to answer where your thoughts should be directed to.

Happy Reading…

[onlyonewoman]

I often listen to reddit stories on youtube after work to wind down and relax - I especially love Mark Narrations! - but oh my dear satan, if I hear another “get divorced!!!” advice over a misunderstanding, a stupidity the person is remorseful of, a partner being attracted to someone else but not doing anything, I swear I will start drooling over medival marital contracts, To all the young people out there, thinking a relationship is black and white and that mistakes are unforgivable, let this old ass woman tell you: - Unless you are a person lacking sexual desires for other people entirely, you WILL feel attracted to at least one person that isn’t part of your relationship through life. That’s just how it is and it doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s all about “old vs. new” and nothing to throw your relationship away for. It will happen every now and again and the Earth wont stop spinning. - For the love of Loki the trickster: STOP CALLING EVERYTHING YOU DISLIKE TOXIC. Holy Midgard snake, that word just needs to be fucking rationed because the second you use that word, it’s basically declaring a person as someone that is ingrained with something infected that will spread. That’s not how things work and you have to stop thinking the worst of every little thought, word and action from others. As much as we would want people to be logical and their thoughts and wants follow a clear line, that’s NOT HOW HUMANS FUNCTION. I’m autistic and I struggled for years with that shit - still do sometimes - but calling people toxic or abusive or manipulative over simple half-shitty mistakes, poor attitude, lack of knowledge, a bad day etc, isn’t helping anyone. And while I absolutely appreciate and applaud how we are so much better at telling each other we don’t have to put up with a relationship that doesn’t work for us, I also want to tell this: Relationships can suck at times and the world will not fall apart. No one should feel obliged to stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in, but as a person in a longterm relationship of almost 18 years, let me tell you: If you are finished growing, learning and developing you don’t make a good partner - or a good friend. You WILL make mistakes, honest ones, and sometimes you will be petty and selfish, other times you will feel frustrated, unseen, undervalued and unheard - and so will your partner. Unless - unless! - we are talking about abuse or falling out of love or just way too different ideas of what the relationship should be like - the relationship isn’t fucking toxic and it just screams “hey, I’m young and know how it’s supposed to be and still a bit too black and white in my thinking” - which is okay! But while I absolutely think it’s vital for people to talk and engage over the generational gaps about things, I feel like I’m aging with 30 years everytime I hear someone declare with youthful certainty, that you should leave your partner immediately because this or that is toxic and abusive”. Loveys, that’s  not how relationships work and you can’t define a relationship as a whole from an “am I the ahole” post. We are human beings and as gross as it might be: we all have shitty sides and dirty little secrets, unhealthy thoughts, evil impulses and screwed up ideas of relationships. And we wont grow, learn, develop or love if we’re bullied for not being pure and good and wholesome enough. I also hope you will find your parents’ or grandparents’ porn and BDSM toy collections when they pass, along with a life subscription of an old porn magazine and a whole ass basement filled with “toxic” stuff for you to hopefully enjoy instead of burn. We didn’t move through the fucking trenches during the 90′s - and all the way fucking back - for the most individualistic generation ever to lock themselves back in a conformity closet in fear of being toxic. So, how about you enjoy what you enjoy and leave others be? I promise, the relief of letting go of others’ restrictive opinions on what’s acceptable to like, is better than any Earth shattering orgasm. It will also stop you from running to reddit everytime your partner has the audacity to be human. Also, from the now starting to get wrinkles and aching joints generation of the 80′s: you’re annoying as hell and we remember being it too, meaning we both want to sooth and kick the shit out of you. In case you didn’t understand: Yes, you’re the assholes - and so are we. Live with it.

[adversityfought-a]

-`ˏ  @crimson-dripping-fangs​​​  ˎ´-

→   What advice would you give to new RPers? And to veteran Rpers ? :3

(  MUNDAY PROMPTS 🪴 )

That’s  a  tough  question…  but…  I  guess  for  both  RPers    -    is  try  not  to  overwhelm  yourself  with  the  need  take  on  more  than  you  can  chew  as  far  as  interactions  or  threads  go.      You  never  need  to  respond  to  everything    &    sometimes  it’s  alright  to  need  to  drop  threads  if  they  aren’t  going  anywhere  or  muse  vanished.    It’s  also  more  than  okay  to  delete  asks  you  no  longer  feel  or  find  you  struggle  to  answer .

First    & ��  foremost,  this  is  a  hobby    &    there  will  always  be  more  opportunities  to  write  with  eachother  again  if  a  certain  thing  doesn’t  work  out.      You’re  allowed  to  take  breaks,  to  rest    &    recharge,    &    know  that  you  are  not  replaceable  or  going  to  get  abandoned  by  your  writing  partners  for  needing  to  step  back  for  a  bit  or  not  constantly  being  active.      If  you  are?      Then  they  obviously  weren’t  worth  it    &    you’re  better  off  without  them    -    you  aren’t  here  to  constantly  be  active  for  anyone,  this  is  a  hobby  here  for  you  to  enjoy    &    as  soon  as  it  starts  to  feel  like  a  job,  please  learn  to  step  back    &    remember  that.     You  should  never  feel  guilty  at  the  end  of  the  day  for  this.

Another  is  to  stand  firm  in  your  rules   &   personal  boundaries ,  no  matter  the  partner .    I  have  suffered  from  muse  burn  out  because  I’ve  waived  some  of  my  rules  off  for  others   &   all  it’d  ended  in  was  my  boundaries  being  crossed ,  muses  vanishing  because  the  interactions  turned  sour  or  uncomfortable ,   &   it  could  have  all  been  avoided  if  only  I’d  talked  to  the  other  person  before  things  got  so  bad .  Generally ,  I  find  most  people  are  nice  if  you  bring  it  up  gently ?  A  lot  of  the  time  it’s  just  a  lack  of  knowledge  or  a  misunderstanding  that  can  be  fixed  by  talking .

A  final  thing  is  to  try  not  to  worry  about  graphics,  shiny  fancy  text,    &    just  try  to  have  fun  with  whatever  it  is  you  create.      If  having  fancy  graphics  brings  you  comfort  or  joy    -    then  by  all  means,  but  I’ve  found  the  best  writing  partners  I’ve  had  generally  do  not  care  about  formatting,  more  about  the  quality  of  your  writing  as  it  is  than  anything  else.

Before  I  ramble  on  more,  I  hope  this  was  somewhat  coherent  -  this  is  generally  what  I’d  give  to  both?  It’s  very  easy  to  forget  some  of  these  even  if  you’ve  been  writing  for  a  long  time  -  but  yeah…  all  in  all,  this  is  a  hobby  for  fun,  &  I  will  always  screech  reminders  of  that  because  I  know  how  easy  it  is  to  get  swept  up  in  a  constant  need  to  be  busy  all  the  time.

[odetoagirl]

annas questions

upon starting a new diary, my first entry went as follows:

'i'm feeling so lost, i have no idea who i am or what i like or want to be and people say i have time, but i dont want to be searching my whole life, has it not been long enough? how much must i soul search? or am i mistake? have i been running to it or from it? would i even know the answer if i saw it? i cat stand this lack of identity anymore. who am i, what do i want, who can tell me; if i must find the answers myself surely there is a path to start on, or is my mind destined to wander through the universe. i feel as though i am blindly stumbling through time. what am i like, is there anything i like. there must be more than this. so badly i long for something to long for. i feel like a spinning compass.'

desperate as these thoughts had cycled for so long, and begging for external advice, i went to anna, trustedly, the most goal oriented, well-hobbied person i know. anna gave me a list of questions a long time ago that she posed to herself, to be able to understand herself better and what she wants and how to reach that goal. 25 questions.

months on in response to the long, unanswered list i wrote again on the subject:

'these questions have sat at the start of this book for months. for a person like myself, they are utterly redundant. i laugh at the sweet sentiment of writing them all down, because i knew as well then that they would remain unanswered. i just will never be able to reach them or understand the ant-like fulfilment of such mundane questions. life goals, maybe, sort of. but 'work responsibilities'... what the fuck does that eve mean. 'cultivating my best life' - have words more foreign ever been spoken to me? people have such a basal interest in the day to day'

a few days later i wrote again:

'some of anna's questions are very difficult for me because her method misunderstands my fundamental issue. i want for nothing. or if i do want for something i am so far disconnected from myself such knowledge alludes me. i am entirely satisfied and content or fulfilled or comfortable with nothing. i find myself comfortable with most things, and will happily tolerate most states. i am somewhat a person fully content. have i ever felt material desire? or ambition? can i envision a dream future self? do i even know how to dream or to work? i am unsure, wishing may be outside of my capabilities, desiring seems like it must be a constant state of hunger, and i am always satiated - or perhaps i merely have no stomach for it. maybe i just long to understand how they feel, to have the hunger to pull me, give me something to do. i think i am not very suited to this driven career focused society, perhaps i would prefer to return to animals. i suppose i do know how to yearn, for knowledge, for people, but i have never an ed goal. nothing to want to tangibly reach or possess. and i suffer from the arrogance that would lead me to believe this is some higher Buddhist outlook as though i were a monk and not a teenage girl, as though carnal desire does not bleed through in other areas of my life. but as for career goals? hobbies and skills, travelling, life goals, jobs to complete, roles to fulfil, purposes to serve? i have none. i wish to know everything, to possess all knowledge, and i wish for children, that's all i think. but i will try to engage in my whims, my wildest dreams, ad if i allow myself a second of room to think tit, then i might hear something in my whisper writer and it must stay small for to think of it is to feed it, the lust and make it grow greedier, and then would should be done, once born it must be fed, with dreaming and striving and actualising until the dream is swollen devastated and has left me starved and destitute and there is nothing left of me but an engorged dream that fed on hope and died in reality. what would i do then? perish with it, wilt ad wither with it's greed for company. far better to remain safe i think. for hope is not real for people like me, or rather perhaps it is far too pervasive, for how many attempts must i watch of my familiars dedicating time and energy and lives to no avail but a crushing disappointment. their hope a balloon lifting them up and up until it bursts and has them free falling to death, because everyone wants to believe it could be them who reaches the stars. well they shall not fool me. i intend to be comfortable and make home on the ground, i do not intend to look up, and when defeated souls fall at my feet i should take solace in the knowledge that i may face myself. where did these children learn that dreams can come true if you work hard, who were their cruel masters, did they believe it too? and why did no one ever tell me i could be whoever i wanted, achieve my dreams, was it me? did they not believe i could, or that they simply watched too many people fall from the sky to their feet?'

i laugh at myself, ever the amnesiac i am given the gift of friendship with my past self. every time i realise my own repression, my lack of identity, the need to learn what i like, out of habit i forget it soon after, the absorbing despair too much to face. do i ever get any closer? this time around i realised i wanted to be a writer, and to have children, which took so much work. as it would appear, six months ago i had the same revelation. but i forget, and spend hours of work and spoonfuls of tears and gut wrenching soul searching to realise the same thing again, and never any more it seems. so many passages about not knowing myself and having to discover what i like through unorthodox methods. at 30 feet down i find babies, the words, and must come up for air, by which point breathing feels so good forget to swim for a while. when i do i am back at square one, building up my stamina for weeks, learning to hold my breath and withstand the pressure of the water. i reach children, then prose, then the water compounds and my lungs beg for relief and i give up again. this time, i am telling myself, i will dive deeper. i have no idea where to start. i imagine this is exactly what i said last time before i gave up.

am i toolless in this echo chamber? by clawing at the walls in an attempt to escape a bed of desire, the covered the floor with dirt, and it piled high and left me in a broad room, atop mattresses of dirt and plaster and cement. but that inescapable pea of hope remains beneath me, i feel its discomfort, and the walls of this room are infinitely thick, as i scratch and scrape im no closer to escape, the layers just pile higher, and i stay unknowing of the grain beneath it all, but feeling insurmountably the discomfort of it below. i have only three options i think. i may continue to scrape away at the walls and pile my tower higher, knowing now that the walls do not hold freedom on the other side, and heightening the pile merely exacerbates the discomfort, or i might sit atop my throne and tolerate such discomfort and resolve myself to my imprisonment. or do i be brave. without tools, without help, without place to move my mattresses one by one i must begin to eat them, to literally swallow my fear piece by piece, and risk death by consumption in the process. i don't know if i even possess enough bravery to reach the pea, i don't know if starting to eat through it will fuel to go on or ruin me before completion. it is a wonder if i have another option but resignation. i have written around it long enough. i must begin my consumption if i hope to reach salvation. where to begin. how do i chew, how do i swallow, pound and compound. masturbatory mastication. I can't continue to just ruminate on the surface. the illusion that i have forever is a false one, and i have to reach that fucking pea whilst i still have time to eat it. it cannot be talked through, or around or on, it cannot be learnt its way out of. i have to turn around and face it.