#excuse my rollercoaster analysis

[infinite-wanders]

Never Have I Ever ...

Over analysed a TV trailer and its subsequent stills (Devi x Paxton heavy)

Previous theories here and here

For @seeyoumondaydevi @kcollgewoman23

3x01 - NHIE ... been slut shamed

Spoiler alert if you havent read the s3 e1 table read >>> Most of the trailer comes from episode one.

We have the Daxton entrance; the mean girls slut shaming Devi in the bathroom; the girls in Devi's room talking about (who's not) having sex; Devis boyfriend party session with Dr Ryan; Daxton make out sessions at Devi's and a failed one post date at Paxton's garage.

3x02 - NHIE ... had my own troll

The popularity that Devi had longed for isn't all it's cracked up to be, as the hate and jealousy of others start to trigger her buried insecurities and traumas.

The Gossip Girl blasts from Lady Whistleboy are coming it hot.

Will we finally find out what the anonymous text means? My bet is still it being Paxton's biggest fan, Trent Harrison.

I think the "we don't make sense" conversation happens early in the season as Daxton navigate the roller-coaster that is their first serious relationship. They reconcile and survive their first bf/gf fight ... but it starts going down down in an earlier round (will they go down swinging?)

3x03 NHIE ... had a Valentine

Hoping for some love all round in the form of Treleanor and Kamanish (is that what were calling Kamala and Mr K now? Idk you tell me).

Anyway, Paxton makes her dinner and it's too cute. The little things. Like ya know he got those roses from the garden and put it in a beer cup cause he couldn't find a vase.

However, it doesnt end well as per Devi’s expression pictured right. Nalini busts them (finally, cause how long can Devi get away with him in her room). As memory serves, she does not approve of Paxton.

Nalini starts running interference with a goal to set Devi up with whom Nalini hopes to be her future SIL - Super hot, Stanford bound, Des.

Devi is in big trouble which is why she has conditions to attend next episode's party.

3x04 - NHIE ... made someone jealous

So now it's confirmed this is when we are first introduced to Des, and 100% not an uggo.

Raise your hand if you felt personally victimised when it's revealed who she was really looking at with wide eyes.

In the same episode theme, this could also be a possibility of Aneesa's jealousy rising. Please don't do my girl dirty, she deserves the world too.

3x05 NHIE ... been ghosted

The fallout of ep 4 ... oh dear, looks like we may have a character arc backslide by P.H.Y in this one. Let's hope not. My soft boy deserves growth. Protect at all costs.

Maybe this is when we'll have more Treleanor to balance the drama. If the play is Romeo and Juliet ... so help me God. I love it but also a bit on the nose?

3x06 NHIE ... had a breakdown

"What do you have to lose? Certainly not your dignity."

Her mind.

She's is absolutely going to lose her mind and shit.

3x07 NHIE ... cheated

I thought I read that he appears in ep 8 but for now I'm going to assume it's 7. Deacon Phillippe will appear as Parker, Devi’s debate team rival from a well-funded private school, he’s able to coast through debate tournaments thanks to his school’s advantages and is always down to party.

I assume Addison makes their appearance in the same episode ❤️ played by Terry Hu, a non-binary person from the local private school, bringing more than impressive trivia skills to the group.

Please Mindy and Lang >> No physical or emotional cheating. Idc if it's academics, debate, or even board games!

Lets not do the old once a cheater always a cheater.

3x08 - NHIE ... hooked up with my boyfriend

In the words of Poorna herself:

🍆 + 🌶 = s3

Same nerds. New Drama.

Like I said, we get it. The D's V card gets swiped.

And in my favourite twist, it's revealed Paxton is also a virgin.

3x09 untitled / 3x10 untitled

So as I've written this, I've realised Daxton will experience some relationship obstacle or challenge each episode.

Pressures of sex, feelings of incompatibility, family members that don't approve of you, jealousy and insecurities of other people that you think your partner likes more, lack of communication, shutting down / shutting out, having a partner that is not in a healthy state of mind, general cheating, actual intimacy.

The last two eps will address the outcome and also whether we see Paxton graduate this year.

And from here it will go one of two ways:

1) Endgame.

2) First love, but not last love.

[bixels]

Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.

Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).

Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.

Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.

Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).

AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.

But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s

At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.

[edwinas]

hey! i finished nhie s2 recently & i was wondering if you have yet finished it bc i love your posts about them && i can't wait to hear your s2 opinions & analysis :)

-much love from an avid fan <33

Hi! Awww, thanks for loving my posts. It means a lot!

I have just finished S2 and phew WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER. There wasn’t a single dull moment and it was a really fun season. 

It felt like S2 was trying to outdo S1 in outrageousness? I thought the two-timing plot in ep 1 and 2 would be as wild as it gets but it got more and more outlandish, oftentimes at the expense of the characters. I get that Devi’s grieving and that it manifests itself in different ways (as her therapist said). I thought after the S1 finale that she’d focus a bit more on herself, therapy, healing. Instead we get her chasing after a boy that hates her or another that doesn’t want to be seen with her. Where were the heart to hearts with Nalini (I expected more than one)? Her appreciating her culture (Aneesa making up that excuse for her nose ring doesn’t count)? But I loved how S2 went about Devi maturing and showing that she’s fundamentally a good kid. That’s always the premise of the show. 

Paxton was kinda OOC to me. Who doesn’t know that a first date is supposed to be just the two of you??? He showed significant emotional intelligence in S1 and he’s suddenly lost all of it. He made Devi do his homework as payback? Where did the guy who can’t stand injustice go? Or the whole dating in secret... It makes sense because he’s been very hurt but I wish the show took more care exploring that. His solo episode didn’t do a lot in humanising him. Why not show more of him hurting because he can’t get a swimming scholarship? Something he’s work so hard towards? Ok, he’s an introvert but this episode was literally a look inside his head. Not against the Paxton we got but it sometimes felt like he was just a plot point for Devi to achieve her cathartic full-circle moment of rejecting him. 

We got some great Daxton scenes we got though, with the kisses in Devi’s room and Paxton coming through the window, Devi tutouring Paxton and making him smile like a lovesick puppy, Paxton consoling Devi even though he’s mad at her, Devi motivating Paxton to push himself academically (LOVED his extra-credit presentation), PAXTON SHOWING UP FOR DEVI AT PROM. 

[intothewickedwood]

Once Upon A Time Rewatch: 5x22 Only You

Does that mean Storybrooke’s magic is gone now that Rumple has tethered it to the crystal?

Well, I guess he can’t have taken all of it or Regina wouldn’t have been able to teleport etc.

Henry’s relationship with magic is like a freaking rollercoaster. At first, he thinks it’s the best thing in the world, then he hates it so much he wants to destroy it, then it’s the best thing in the world, then he tries to destroy it, then it’s the best thing in the world! But that’s kids for you, I guess! I’m sure I was like that and still can be. Come to think of it, would putting dynamite in the well in season 2 have destroyed magic?

Is that needle that’s put dozens of people under a sleeping curse the same one Maleficent used on Aurora?

Henry’s literally so powerful. I wish he could use his author powers more.

How is taking the crystal out of SB gonna destroy magic in SB?

Oh, so Rumple tethered the magic but didn’t technically absorb it from the town, so they can still use it.

Why can’t Regina text Henry to say that destroying magic would destroy SB? 

Guess they can go over the town line now, for the first time in like forever. But I guess Emma & Regina & Henry could already cross the threshold, possibly Violet too as she didn’t come over with the first curse. And then the others are brought to New York by a portal. 

Oh! So that’s why they can use magic in the lwom? Because Henry brought the crystal aka all the magic of Storybrooke there.

Aww. Henry and Violet are cute. I just wouldn’t recommend reading the Henry and Violet book if you appreciate their relationship in the show.

Oh, thank God. Zelena does promise to bring baby Robin to visit her brother Roland! I need them to have known each other growing up! I bet they’re really close. And Roland is just as sweet as ever and has to stop his sister being reckless. The Hufflepuff to her Slytherin (+ Gryffindor tendencies), if you will. And I need fics where Roland doesn’t grow up to be vengeful and angry. Once a Hufflepuff cupcake, always a Hufflepuff cupcake.

Did Regina agree to Roland going back to Sherwood Forest? I’m surprised she didn’t adopt him. It must have been the Merry Men’s decision because no way would they take orders from Zelena. 

Aww! Roly kissing his baby sis!! I’m gonna miss you Roly!! Literally the most adorable kid! Aww and Granny kisses him on the head too! I die!!

Look at his little mittens!!

I’m guessing he doesn’t know she killed his mama but maybe he knows that she posed as her and in a strange way enjoyed his time with her? I mean, I guess you can say that as Marian Zelena did, at least, take care of Roland and bond with him. Maybe she always wanted to be a mother? Still doesn’t excuse her killing Marian and posing as her. Just trying to make sense of this hug. Maybe Roland is just super forgiving! And you can say it’s cause he’s a child but let me tell you, I was so much less willing to forgive really terrible things as a child than I am now. 

Omg. They all fell so hard through that portal! Ow!

Emma’s genuinely worried Regina’s gonna put a sleeping curse on her.

Baelfire was trying to destroy magic in New York?

Ron used sellotape to try to fix his wand, so why not?

Omg Davis Bloom, love of my life! Well, it’s Hyde but this guy loves to play literal monsters! Listen, before Once Upon a Time, Smallville was my hardcore special interest show. I rewatched it so many times since I was 9! Anyway, Chloe was my favourite character and I’d always been a Chloe x Clark shipper and then Davis came along and Chlavis became my otp. He loved her so much! He gave her the love and attention she deserved! Yes it was messed up but that’s what 12-year-old me was and is here for! My mum and I were so excited when we found out the actor was gonna be in Ouat! I loved Davis to bits and ngl, was highly attracted to him (as was my mama), so excuse me as I continue to be thirsty over Hyde.

Back to the rewatch!

Hyde strangling people is my jam lol.

Snow, my girl, you really can’t keep a secret. She darn told Hyde about the Dark One’s love being pregnant! Oh well, love her anyway. And also, she was 10.

I’ll never forget, I once cut my eye and it legit looked like one of Hyde’s but scarier. It was so frightening to look at and really uncomfortable, but it healed eventually. Gives me the shivers just thinking about it. But it looks cool and sexy on Hyde xD. 

Is that the same book Tilly finds at Henry’s place in 7x14?

Regina: “like with Hook, my first impulse was to rip his throat out.” Jesus Regina! You’re saying that to the woman who just went to the Underworld for Hook and thought she’d lost him forever. He’s someone she loves. That’s intense! As someone who’s been told by a loved one, threateningly, that they are (completely seriously) going to violently kill another loved one, several times, that is so not cool. Luckily no one was killed though, it’s okay. 

I recently read a really interesting meta about Regina’s motivation for redemption being intellectual. Like she says here, she doesn’t want to do good. She hates doing good but she knows that villainous acts won’t get her her happy ending and so she reasons that in order for things to go less awful for her, she must to good. She doesn’t do it because of empathy, guilt or regret, she does it because she figures it’s what the heroes are doing and things are going right for them and because if she goes back to her evil ways she knows she’ll lose Henry and her new and only support network. I think the same can be said for Zelena’s motivations to do good. No shade, just an analysis.

Well at least she’s using the word “I” to express that she did those things. But, she seems more concerned about those things hanging over her than for what she did to her victims and how they felt and suffered.  She even seems more upset at the fact that she has lost a love again than the fact that Robin lost his life and his kids have lost their father.

Hmm. Interesting. She seems to suggest here that before she didn’t know the difference between good and evil. You know what, that could be true because she didn’t really get why people called her the ‘Evil Queen’ and then there’s the fact she was raised by Cora and Henry Sr. Cora probably warped her perception of good and evil and her father positively reinforced a lot of the evil Regina did and didn’t explain to her why the things Cora did and the lessons she taught were wrong.

Why are all those stories in the library? That makes no sense. 

There’s a problem. If the grail is the origin of all magic and Merlin found it around 1500 years before the present (apparently Merlin was a runaway slave too. Of course he flipping was!), how comes Gothel and Seraphina had magic thousands of years ago? I mean, I suppose they were from another land (that Gothel killed almost all the inhabitants of), so I guess people just don’t know magic didn’t originate from the grail. I mean, since the God’s had magic before the grail, and nymphs possibly have relations to gods, I suppose it makes sense that Gothel had magic but then, what about Seraphina? How does she have magic and how did she live so long? Did Gothel cast a spell on her that made her practically immortal or was she already immortal?

Well, that was easy for Rumple lol.

Transforming looks really painful.

The thing is. They shouldn’t have separated Jekyll from Hyde. I think it would have been cooler if they hadn’t. Sure, they can make Jekyll the true villain but why not have the heroes try to save Jekyll as Hyde thwarts their plans at every turn to the point where they have to agonize over hurting Jekyll to defeat Hyde. The same can be said for Regina. Don’t split them up! Just have Regina transform into the Evil Queen so you can’t tell when she’s Regina and when she’s the EQ working on her evil plan. That would’ve been really fun to watch and to try to figure out which persona she was and when! Also, they should have just made Jekyll transform when emotionally compromised rather than when taking the potion because without an assistant Jekyll could have easily lived without Hyde ever returning. 

I hate the look of that wand.

Hydes theme sounds so awesome!

Also, it would have been really cool to explore the Land of Untold Stories. It looks so rad!

How can Hyde summon the portal? Don’t you have to have enough dark magic?! I guess maybe his strength and durability are enhanced by dark magic?

Rumple, I don’t think Belle can here you in that box.

Can I marry Hyde now? I want to marry Hyde. 

[steven-falls]

The Strengths of serialization: A Disenchantment analysis

Note: this is a script for a video I’m making. There are some generalised statements in this script, that will be accompanied with visuals in the final video to help specify what I am referring to.

So, Netflix just dropped part 3 of disenchantment, and with the new batch of episodes came a slew of worldbuilding, lore, characterization, laughs, adventures, and Elfo abuse. But, instead of giving an overview of everything that happened in the season (or part) I want to focus on one specific aspect of part 3 and compare this to parts 1 and 2 and that is, the serialisation of Disenchantment.

In television shows, there are two main formats a show can take: A serialized format and an episodic format. A serialized format has continuing storylines that span over the course of the entire season. Think of pretty much every drama show. By contrast, an episodic TV show presents each episode as a self contained story. Meaning you could jump in at any point in the series without needing much prior knowledge to understand what’s happening. This is the format that most animated sitcoms, such as Disenchantment’s contemporaries, The Simpsons and Futurama, went for.

Disenchantment was an interesting case as it seemed to be going for a mix of both serialization and self contained episodes throughout its first two parts, which made up season 1. The first few and last few episodes of both parts 1 and 2 had a serialized format, where the cliffhanger ending of one episode would lead directly into the opening of the next. For example part 2’s opening episode ‘The disenchantress’ ends with Bean walking down a staircase to hell, which is picked straight back up on again in the next episode, aptly titled ‘Staircase to hell’. It’s required that an audience member watches these two episodes in order, otherwise they would be confused by the opening of the latter.

But then the middle episodes of parts 1 and 2 were stand alone episodic adventures, that didn’t always directly tie into each other. For instance, the heist plot of ‘the Dreamland job’ has little to nothing to do with Derrik’s character journey in the following episode, ‘Love’s Slimy Embrace’. So not much would be lost on an audience member who watched these two episodes out of order. The main throughline between them is Lucie buying and owning the bar. But that’s a rather minor element of ‘Love's Slimby embrace’, it’s not like you need an explanation of why Lucie owns the bar to understand what’s happening in that episode.

Where Part 3 really differs from the previous two parts, is that it sticks to a more serilized format for most of its run. Pretty much every episode develops on something meaningful established in prior episodes. For instance, In the first episode of part 3 it’s revealed that Pendegast has been murdered, so the third episode ‘Beanie get your gun’ is spent investigating what happened to him. They find out it’s the priestess, and chase her down in the next episode, which naturally leads into the steam land sega covered in episodes 4 and 5, and then the boat trip back to Dreamland in episode 6. Even when an episode doesn’t end in a cliffhanger, the events that occurred in the previous episode will still be playing on the character’s mind in the next, keeping a constant narrative flow throughout part 3.

Now, I do not believe that serialized Television is inherently better than episodic Television. There are shows that owe their success to their episodic format.

But I think in Disenchantment’s case, serialization fits the tone and scope it’s going for.

Disenchantment is basically a mystery show, Part 3 opens with several overarching mysteries that are investigated over the course of the season, and Bean literally plays detective in two episodes.

Part 2 also presented several mysteries in its opening episodes, like Bean’s heritage and the secret treasure the elfs are looking for. But this became a frustration I had with part 2, as it felt like it was presenting the audience with several tantalising mysteries, but then avoided expanding on them, in favour of more non sequitur adventures. Take the episode ‘the lonely heart is a hunter’ for example. That episode has a subplot about Bean investigating some old runes that are hinted to have a connection to her mother. But this basically leads nowhere as Bean gets scared and gives up on investigating them. We don’t find out anything about them for the rest of part 2, halting that story in its tracks. What the episode chooses to develop instead is the relationship between Zogg and a bear woman named Ursula, a character who has only appeared in this single episode to date. I do actually enjoy this plot line, I think it’s funny and gives Zogg some decent character development. But when the episode prioritises a somewhat frivolous love affair over expanding on the mysteries it’s already set up, it can be frustrating to sit through, because I’m just waiting for them to get back to that mystery.

There are still some instances in part 3 where they bring up an unresolved mystery or plot line but don’t follow up on it straight away. Like it should annoy me that they mention Leaveos quest early in the season, only for it to not develop any further until the last episode.

But it doesn’t, because there’s a narrative excuse for the other character’s to abandon Leaveo and his plot line. They have the more pressing issue of Dagmar to deal with in that moment, and after that I’m so swept up in the murder and betrayl stuff that I don’t mind them leaving Leavo’s plot thread for a little longer.

Another result of part 3 taking a more serialised approach is that it makes meaningful changes to the Disenchantments status quo

After part 1 ended with several series altering cliffhangers, that seemed like it was taking the show in a radically different direction, I was disappointed by how in part 2 everything reverted back to normal by the end of episode 3. Sure, there were a few status quo changes, but for the most part, part 2 still followed Bean, Elfo and Lucie’s shenanigans around Dreamland, not that fundamentally different from part 1.

But this isn’t a criticism I can level at part 3. For one thing there are no episodes of Bean just goofing around drinking, she’s always trying to get somewhere, figure something out, or face some threat to the kingdom. The constant rising urgency prevents the show from feeling as if it’s in some stagnant status quo.

The only time I was in fear of Disenchantment resetting to a status quo was at the beginning of episode 3, ‘Beanie get your gun’, when Derrik reinstates power to Zogg, the towns people don’t care about Bean supposedly being a witch, and Zogg’s forgotten about Odvals and the priestess’s coup attempt

The characters even comment on how weird the situation is.

With Bean and Zogg being reinstated it almost seemed like the whole coup subplot had been entirely pointless, especially as the opening of the episode hinted that Pendergast might not actually have been killed.

But the episode’s ending underlines the lasting impact this coup had, by confirming Pendergast’s death and having the priestess become a fugitive from the kingdom, basically writing out two major supporting characters.

On the subject, Pendergast’s death is the first one in Disenchantment that I was genuinely shocked by. Just because of the show’s willingness to kill off a recurring character without going back on it. They have done similar deaths before, like when Jerry was killed. But Jerry was divorced enough from the main cast and the setting of Dreamland that his absence didn’t feel as noticeable. It’s not like his death bared any repercussions on how Dreamland functioned as a kingdom for example. But Pendergast’s death does, you’re reminded of his absence any time you watch a scene with Zogg losing his mind, or see turbish and Mertz without their commander. Even if Pendergast is somehow brought back later, his death was still felt throughout the whole of this season.

Part 3 of Disenchantment managed to capture my intrigue, by taking its story and characters to interesting new places. My hope for part 4 is that everything part 3 built toward gets a decent payoff. By the end of part 3 most of the plotlines have still been left open ended, with even more opening up and others being teased at. In one case it looks like they might be rehashing an older plotline.

My fear for part 4 is that all these storylines are going to trip over each other. That part four has to juggle so many different plotlines that it’s not going to be able to devote enough time to each of them, making their resolutions feel rushed and underdeveloped.

I think its on part 4 to intertwine all these plot threads, so everything comes together to form one satisfying conclusion. Unless they’re planning on continuing the show after part 4, in which case I hope part 4 is a more streamlined and focused version of part 3.

Speaking of satisfying conclusions… I couldn’t think of one for this video! So let’s end off by discussing three times Disenchantment part 3 referenced 3 other Matt Greoning cartoons.

Starting with the most obvious, the ‘Trip to the moon’ rollercoaster seen in the episode ‘Freak out’ is a reference to the second Futurama episode ‘’The series has landed’, where the planet express crew visit a theme park on the moon. In particular the rollercoaster’s moon face bares resemblance to the mascot crater face. Look, it even has part of the rollercoaster going through its eye, just like how craterface always has a beer bottle shoved through their eye. Which itself is a reference to a silent film from 1920 called ‘A Trip to the moon’. Wait actually maybe the rollercoaster is just supposed to be a reference to that.

Seconally, the joke about the kings servants Vip and Vap living in unlawful cohabitation is a reference to the characters Arkbah and Jeff, who are a gay couple from Matt Groening’s comic, Life in Hell. They also share similar character designs.

And finally, I don’t think this was intentional, but Elfo skating on Dagmars oily back reminded me of Bart Simpson skateboarding. Now try and get that image out of your mind! Good night everybody.

[aqvarius]

[HAPPY ENDING WALKTHROUGH + REVIEW] HLITF: Toru Kurosawa MS1: Meeting Him + MS2: Falling in Love

Oh, Kurosawa. Sweet Kurosawa. How I loved you. Honestly I was kind of fine with just his My Sweet Bodyguard route back in 2014. See this review for more and also for noob Tea writing back when 18 old me thought that constituted critical analysis (now I am self-aware enough to just call this a standard review/thoughts haha, what analysis…). So anyway I was kind of fine not playing Kurosawa’s routes until I started writing batch headcanons and then got a couple of asks about Toru and felt like I needed to get a better understanding of his actual character.

Expectations:

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I’d heard from a few people that his MS1 was not that good and/or straight up infuriating so naturally I was intrigued. I was writing a review at the time (Takado from Romance MD) and looked back my old reviews to see how I did the structuring and I stumbled across that Kurosawa MSB review (and my scathing Goto MSB review lol) and I liked him well enough! I just had some issues with the pacing of the story and general lack of MC involvement. So I kinda thought it’ll probably be a similar sort of route where Toru has to sort out his issues and I guess his MC will help him get through them.

I already knew from MSB that Kurosawa has a dark side so I already didn’t go into it expecting the genki type (e.g. Sora from MSB/Hiro from Love Letter from Thief X/Nagito from Scandal in the Spotlight). Well even though I thought I knew what I was getting into, this sweet and naïve girl was not expecting that rollercoaster ride of a route.

Click below to read my thoughts (spoiler warning!!) and scroll all the way to the bottom for the happy ending walkthrough

Reactions:

I wrote at the end of my notes that I’m surprised actually how similar his route is to his MSB route. I definitely want to address this in more detail but I’ll start with Toru’s character.

So Toru starts off very genki and chipper and like how he usually comes across as when you see him in anyone else’s route. He’s friendly and supportive and encouraging and he helps you out. Actually parts of his MS1 are quite similar to Soma – the way they treat and use informants in particular. I made a joke that Kurosawa is like Soma but darker and then he more or less confirmed it in MS2 so… I’m just bragging about how well I know my Boys lmao ignore me. The main difference here is that his MC isn’t the most competent, unlike Soma’s MC who is “the best suited for Public Safety” (sorry I’m like flexing here cause I love Soma’s MC so much) and actually good. That’s when Toru steps in to give you handy advice and a cheery smile since Ishigami is really good at cutting you to the ground. There’s always something jarring about going back to reading MS1 routes for any character because you always forget how noob MC is at the beginning haha. Except Soma’s MC who is a boss and a half. That being said, she does get better when she puts her mind to it.

Anyway, it takes seeing him deal with informants that makes you realise that there might be something a little more insidious about his character (but this is the same tactic as Soma so it’s not quite unique yet). But you only really get a sense of how dark he really is right at the very end of his MS1, like literally only right at the end of his Happy Ending. That also brings me to something I don’t like which is you have a whole chunk of story missing if you only get his Good End. The only thing you get is a warning from Soma that being involved with Kurosawa will make you cry and then you have to figure out from context clues in MS2 that Toru pulled a good old fuck n chuck on you. And that officially makes him the biggest asshole in HLITF. Going back and reading the MS1 special stories is tragic cause MC really believes Kurosawa is her destiny like a total fool when he’s just played her like a freaking triangle – that’s how easy she is to get played. I hope you’ve already played when reading this or weren’t planning on reading it or don’t mind spoilers because it was seriously a shock when it happened. Like I knew something was gonna go wrong because no way would it be that easy but I was not expecting that from a game like HLITF. Even when reading through his MS2, I really thought he wasn’t just playing her for sex and that there was affection there somewhere that he was just trying to tamp down. I think this is where my preconceived ideas of him from MSB were playing up because that’s maybe what would have gone down had it happened with MSB MC.

I wrote in my old MSB review that Kurosawa’s character is made of contradictions and that even at the end of his route, I still don’t quite understand him and that I found him realistically human that I felt like he could exist outside of the gamespace. Interestingly, I feel the exact same way about him in HLITF. Even after finishing his MS2 and epilogue, I don’t quite get him. Granted, I may be feeling this way because with the other Lis that I’ve read, I’ve been able to read enough to get a better sense of their characters the more I play. But I feel like Toru is someone that even after you’re together, he still keeps himself quite hidden; actually, this is far more so the case than in MSB. I joked that he wears a condom over his feelings at all times and it’s TRUE. That’s what he has on: an emotional condom.

However, this feeling of not quite getting him may be due to the dynamics between Toru and his MC and the confusing nature of their relationship and its development. The thing feels weird about Kurosawa’s MS1 and 2 is that it’s different from the other routes (except Namba’s maybe? I haven’t played him yet) in that you’re not his aide. Toru is your ‘same age friend’ rather than an instructor (although he’s 25 and Shinonome is 26 so it’s kind of interesting that there’s such a HUGE gap between you and Shinonome even though there’s only one (or maybe two) years between you). So first off it’s absolutely tragic how little Ishigami cares about you in this route lol. But I think one of the things I enjoy the most about HLITF is that instructor-aide dynamic (sorry Ayumu but dw I still love you even though we’re peers now) and that’s definitely missing in this route. You do get some guidance and stuff but it sort of comes across more as friendly advice from a neighbour rather than instruction from your mentor. I think Kurosawa had more of an instructor vibe in Soma’s Adversaries route than in his own routes.

I guess it’s that MC idolises Kurosawa as a senpai who she thinks is better in every way and she’s always fawning over how sweet and helpful and funny he is, which is why she becomes so disillusioned when he has no problems completely fucking her over. It’s quite entertaining how much this MC hates Kurosawa after he plays her. Like, she’s SO pissed. Even Ayumu’s MC never hated him even when he messed her about and somehow she kept loving him with the persistence of a parasite. No, our dear friend MC despises him.

Her anger is actually quite comical. I think personally I relate more to the type of MC that Kaga/Soma/Ishigami have, so playing Kurosawa’s routes definitely felt like more of a ‘third person perspective’ thing for me. If you have a shorter fuse than I do and like to act on your emotions then you’ll likely feel satisfied reading this route. That this MC’s personality is so different from MSB MC is probably what makes their dynamic so different. Kurosawa would never treat MSB MC like he did HLITF MC. Speaking of their dynamic though, I’m a little confused by the idolisation vs rival thing. At one point towards the end of MS2, Ishigami basically tells you to stop putting Kurosawa on a pedestal and treat him as a rival because you’re the same age – but has MC really been idolising him in MS2? Hasn’t she kind of been hating him?  

Kurosawa’s MC is also fairly different from the other HLITF MCs that I’ve played. They all generally have good instincts and a strong conviction and sense of justice and so much empathy for their men and their issues. However, there are some notable differences: for example, Shinonome’s MC is optimistic, almost to a fault. Even when she feels like she’s been betrayed, she still loves Shinonome unconditionally. Shinonome’s MC is very genki and a bit more shameless haha. MCs like Soma’s and Kaga’s (and I imagine Ishigami’s) are a little more hesitant(?) and sweeter, possibly because they’re more easily led around by the demanding Kaga and the manipulative Soma. While still having the base HLITF MC traits, somehow Kurosawa’s MC seems a little more pessimistic and more cynical than the others and overall not as cute/sweet. But also she seems to have higher 女子力 (not sure how I can translate this… like feminine aesthetic ability? Google it or google joshiryoku) since she describes wearing makeup three whole times in the route!! Which is three more times than I’ve ever in my life heard HLITF MC talk about wearing makeup. I bet Ayumu is wishing his MC is more like this lolol. Essentially I think all the other HLITF MCs trust their instructors and their relationship with their whole being (except Ayumu’s but she’s optimistic enough to get through it) whereas Toru’s MC really does not lol.

One of the issues I had with Kurosawa’s MSB route is how abruptly or inexplicably they fall in love. I have the exact same problem with this route. I’m thinking maybe they tried to do the ‘betrayed by a guy you thought was your friend and started developing feelings for and then falling in love even after seeing his true self’ thing but the problem is you don’t see them falling in love! Especially in MS2 which is literally called “Falling in love”. In fact, you just see MC getting more and more angry and annoyed at him. Okay I can sort of excuse that, maybe since I think her anger stems from the fact that he just played her like that even while she liked him so much. If she didn’t like him then she’s probably think “wow he’s an ass and I’m a terrible judge of character” but overall wouldn’t give a fuck. Even then, the MS2 Good Ending chapter seems to indicate that you’re not fully aware of your feelings for him. But when does Kurosawa start falling for you? You literally don’t know. He just plays you and plays you and treats you the same as always and then BAM episode 10 and he’s suddenly confessing his love and saying he’ll keep loving you even if you hate him (but only in the HE). I’m trying to figure out when exactly he falls for you because I don’t know that he’d do the good old ‘lie to a girl to have a one night stand’ manoeuvre if he already liked you; in fact, he even admits that he couldn’t stand you at first. Maybe he starts liking you when you start treating him coldly haha. But it also seems like he likes your soft-heartedness? I guess we won’t know for sure until his PoV is released. Voltage is getting good with making money lol.

I think I actually kind of enjoyed the MS2 GE more than the HE because I think getting Ishigami’s acknowledgement and approval (and his schedule!!!! Finally!!!!) somehow meant more to me than getting Kurosawa’s love. But this is also because Ishigami is at least respectful to you in other people’s routes usually but he’s so scornful in Kurosawa’s routes it makes me so sad haha please love me Hideki-san.

But yeah anyway I got serious déjà vu over two things: the first being the sudden random confession. The second is Kurosawa just going AWOL. I basically SCREAMED when he went AWOL cause that was an issue I had in his MSB route (you spend like 2 whole chapters just looking for him and texting him and calling him to no avail l m a o). And then the exact fucking same thing happened in his MS2!!!!! Granted, it didn’t take 2 chapters to resolve but o m g, it’s like the writer consulted with his MSB route before writing this lol. At least HLITF MC actually gets to contribute to Toru’s development this time. Similar to how Goto’s MSB and HLITF routes have some minor differences in the details of his back story, Kurosawa also has some small changes in his history with regards to what happened between his father and his uncle which is kinda nice because the story will still feel fresh and new even if you’ve played his MSB route.

ETA: another thing I forgot to mention is that Kurosawa’s low self esteem really comes through in a very similar way as in MSB. See here a quote from MSB:

and then in HLITF:

(Toru is actually Very Precious when he takes off that emotional condom) 

One thing that every single HLITF route gets right is the plot. I don’t know what else to say, the plots are always just really good. Detailed, intriguing, suspenseful, the perfect amount of action. The reason I love this whole title so much is because you have the romantic aspect but you also really feel involved in uncovering these grand schemes through investigation and it always thrills me towards the last third of the route when the action and drama really pick up. So good. The one thing that always clues you in on the possible perpetrators though is that they have sprites. Every time there’s a sprite you just KNOW they’re somehow involved in the plot lol.  The quality of the writing too has improved so much compared to other titles that were written and/or translated a few years ago. There’s a lot of contemporary slang and references that makes me feel like it’s definitely a native English speaker who’s doing the translation, and someone who’s really clued into contemporary English-speaking media and online culture.

The epilogue was kind of cute but I didn’t feel super immersed because I was upset at my boy Shinonome for going to goukon when he has me waiting around to hang out with him. Kurosawa’s MC is definitely a lot more forward than other HLITF MC (bar Shinonome’s, but Shinonome’s MC is cuter about it) which is great and she seems to be a good and mature communicator. You get a really sexy CG (which by the way can we just thank the HLITF artist because she never fails to deliver incredible art) and Kurosawa is surprisingly human in bed. You can definitely sense that their relationship is more balanced than that of instructor-aide overall; MC is more proactive rather than in some other routes where it’s always your instructors who are doing all the work lol. Maybe this is because you’re peers/same age friends.

In general, I think Toru’s a great character, really interesting, there’s lots of nuance and detail to his characterisation and I think the writers did a good job. I just prefer a different type of guy when I play otome games. I bought the ending set just to write this review for some reason thinking that it was the PoV stories but I made a mistake and it’s just the .5 stories rather than his PoV (I’m thinking it’s the sequel maybe? Where the PoV is in the Special Stories) so you’re welcome. There’s this whole water bottle/flower plot running through the special stories which is actually quite sweet and it makes me a little annoyed because it’s way cuter than the actual MS. You’ll definitely like it if you’re a fan of Kurosawa though. It’s also kinda funny cause it just goes and undoes the whole soulmate-debunking thing because I guess it turns out that you were destined to meet, just way before you two ever even knew of each other’s existence. Both the action plot and the romantic plot of Kurosawa’s Season 1 are really set up for continuing on in Season 2 and getting closer both to him and the truth behind the mysterious hospital death/cult investigation so it would be nice to see how the relationship and the story develop in the years to come. Voltage you’d better not cancel HLITF or I’m gonna beg outside your headquarters every day for 5 years and/or until I get arrested for trespassing.

If you want to get Happy Ending for Toru Kurosawa’s MS1: Meeting Him and MS2: Falling in Love, read on below for the walkthrough.

Toru Kurosawa MS1: Meeting Him Happy Ending Walkthrough

Ep 1

B. “Definitely.” A. “Definitely.”

Ep 2

C. “He’s a funny guy.” A. Nod

Ep 3 (no change)

A. “Toru with an S.” B. Try to figure it out.

Ep 4

A. “No!” B. “No way!”

Ep 5

C. “I’m doing this for myself.” B. “You’re awful.”

Ep 6

C. “Kurosawa.” A. “No, that’s it.”

Ep 7

A. “Namika, the nurse.” C. “I want to be your number one.”

Ep 8

C. Kiss him. B. “I’m not interested.”

Ep 9

B. “I’ll shake things up.” A. “He’s kind.”

Happy Ending

———————————–

Toru Kurosawa MS2: Falling in Love Happy Ending Walkthrough

Ep 1

“Congrats again.” “Basically.”

Ep 2 (I wanted to call him a lying bastard)

“We’re only coworkers.” “Ask yourself that.”

Ep 3

“Didn’t need it.” “My liaison.”

Ep 4 (You can tell him to shut the hell up lol)

“What’s this mean?” “Fine.”

Ep 5 (no change)

“No thanks.” Ignore him.

Ep 6 (“He’s a liar, but hey”)

“A few things.” ‘Everybody likes him"

Ep 7

“Yeah.” “Don’t lie.”

Ep 8

“I respected you.” Avoid his eyes.

Ep 9

“I’m fine with that.” “You think?”

Happy Ending

[zenzenzence]

| ☁️ ☀️ 🎡 🍭 🍃 🦋 💚 | Love you little sunshine ❣️

i love you too!!!

☁️ Tell me about something you’ve been thinking about.

Lately I’ve been thinking about applying for jobs after graduation, because I know I need to get on that by like Yesterday but I’m too terrified of rejection, but I know I need to apply to lots of places to get a chance at even an interview, but it’s just really scary. I was able to have an internship last summer but I still feel like I’ll be under qualified…

☀️ What’s a routine part of your daily activity?

Some of the things that I do nearly everyday is snooze my alarms a few times, check my social media, and play the mobile app Homescapes :P I’ve been playing it for like 3 years I think at this point and I’m on level 2240

🎡 What do you like to do when you go out?

Mostly when I go out with friends bc i don’t have a car and i’m a bad driver it’s mostly to go out to eat somewhere or go to the store. Sometimes we go to the movies :) A few times in recent years I’ve gone to the Michigan Adventures amusement park with my friends and sisters and that’s been very fun :D i love rollercoasters

🍭 What’s something you regularly treat yourself to or with?

On my campus we have a mini Starbucks cafe and nearly every day i get some sort of Frappuccino with almond milk bc i’m trying to be healthier and i like almond milk

🍃 What’s something you love about the current season?

I love the excuse to wear warm comfy clothes and to bundle up under lots of blankets. Also hot chocolate.

🦋 What’s a way you’ve majorly changed over a given length of time?

Since coming to college I’ve definitely come out of my shell more, and i’m much more willing to Speak My Mind and Throw Shade to my friends about people and things I don’t like

also compared to middle school and high school me, I may still be depressed but I’m not nearly as suicidal as I used to be most of the time, so that’s good!

💚 Gush about someone or something you love– it doesn’t have to be romantic.

I love Kimi no Na wa. so much!!! It’s been my favorite film Period since I first saw it in October 2016 late at night in my freshman dorm room!!!! The animation is gorgeous and blows me away to this day and I love the characters and story so much!!! There is so much detail and analysis that can be done in the background of things that makes one of the Big Plot Twists so obvious but subtle in hindsight and I love it!!! From Mitsuha and Taki having their time’s latest iphones, 2013 and 2016 respectively, to them mixing up the days of the week and dressing for school on a weekend because the years difference, to having the dance Mitsuha and Yotsuha perform near the start of the film as shrine maidens foreshadow the comet splitting apart, to the comet striking the Miyamizu shrine directly on impact!!! There’s so much detail and symbolism and emotion in this movie and I love it so much!! There’s so much analysis you could do on the lore of the film just based on translating the names of characters and locations i love it!

And Mitsuha and Taki are SOULMATES!!!!!! The reason they forget each other after the Kataware-doki scene is because they need to leave something that is most precious to them behind in order to leave the underworld –– and the most precious thing to both of them is their memories of each other!!! That’s why Taki writes I love you instead! Because Mitsuha might forget him/his name, but she’d still be able to remember that someone loves her. and if you analyze the way Mitsuha starts to write on Taki’s hand, you could infer that she was going to say “I love you” too!! I love this movie. I’ve started making a MitsuTaki spotify playlist i love them so much!

have i mentioned the animation is Gorgeous? ahhh

#i’ll never get over this movie, #it is ingrained into my soul

Send me an emoji

[charismaticmarinebiologist]

Entry 16 – Why I Left + Weird Discovery

(Again, please excuse my grammar errors! thank you!)

Hey everyone! It’s BB again!! I am still irrelevant but idk if anyone from my school will find this but if you do, you might have known I have left my band. Yeah, I know…You all are mad cause we made “lit” music and everyone loved it when we had late night parties…but look I am trying to actually take my job seriously now and if you haven’t noticed, I been gone from my recent concerts and play times because of my job. I deeply care about it and this is extremely important for me as a person because I care about our planet because this is the only planet that we know to date that can handle us and we have been abusing it. So, the least I can do is at least work slowly to saving our waters so that our next generation and future generations to come can continue to live and be happy. Especially considering how many downfalls we have faced throughout time. I guess you can say I am ranting at this point, but I need people to understand, especially to you my fellow band members that I left not because I was tired of singing and performing as your main vocalist, but I need to stay focused with my studies, and also get my life together. It has been a rollercoaster and a lot has been happening constantly. And no, I am not a nerd (in fact I am surprised I wasn’t booted from university yet from my grades as a freshman…). In change of topic, I noticed something very off when I ate lunch today by the docks…I was actually going to type it in my previous entry, but I totally forgot about it, so I will just explain it here… If I recall correctly, I saw some dead fish float up to the surface that aren’t supposed to be in this type of water…My guess right now is that maybe someone had some pet fishes and they died so they tossed them into the water. However, when they got closer to shore they appeared to have been I guess you can say violently murdered? Like they were ripped in half and gutted out? (sorry for the graphic details). I will be taking one back to the lab for further investigating, but I am in shock…how did these fishes show up here? If my guess is correct someone tossed them out and some larger fish tried to eat them but were probably disgusted by it… I am not sure, I will get back to you all when I do some further analysis.

[my-mystic-messenger]

My thoughts on and analysis of the V route

I did play the V route and so far I got the Good End, Normal End, Bad End on day 9 and today and the Bad End on day 7, therefor effectively filling all my albums. As for analysis, there is sadly very little too analyse plot wise, in all honesty. Despite it’s overdramatic and pseudo-philosophical nature there wasn’t really a lot to pick apart and find the hidden meaning behind. As for my thoughts, if anyone really cares to read this, I was quite frankly a little disappointed with the route and especially the eventual conclusions in form of the Normal and Good End. @promiscuous-jalapeno wrote a very good piece on the V route - which you can read here - where she mentioned a lot of the things that bugged me about the route and some points I disagree on so here it comes:

In short, I can only say that while I found it quite interesting to play, I have to admit that I found the route highly underwhelming altogether, although I will wait with my final judgement until the After Story is out. But if you know me, you know I like into detail so let me tell you what I thought about specific aspects of the game:

V: 

Honestly, I was never the biggest fan of V. People who know me know that. I blame him for Mint Eye almost as much as I blame Rika for it and in my opinion Saeran was much more deserving of a route and redemption than him.

So, when the route was announced, I was already a little bit salty but figured I give him a change to prove himself. He is pretty and I did like the idea of romancing him, since I saw potential for his character.

As a writer myself, I was majorly disappointed. V was a bland character at the beginning and the story ended with him remaining a bland character. Other than his self-sacrificing he really doesn’t seem to have a personality.

Despite the fact that I’m no big fan of Saeyoung, Yoosung or Jaehee those are distinguished characters with likes, dislikes, problems, talents, flaws and many things that make them human. V has nothing going for him.

There were certain parts of the route where I actually went aww and came close to liking him as a character, but then he started with his peaceful solutions to problems he shouldn’t even try solving himself and I was done.

All in all, as someone who writes headcanons, fics and more and therefor invests a lot of time into these characters this route was in no way helpful in actually getting to know V and that’s just sad.

His Mother:

That whole thing bothered me immensely. I’ve seen people enjoy it, liking that whole backstory part but I couldn’t have cared less for a single one of those diary entry VN even if I tried.

This was V’s route and yet I learned more about his mother than I did about him. I think if I count, more VN were dedicated to her than to the actual protagonist of the story. 

What kind of thinking is that? I could have gone well without all those extra VN if those we had ended up actually focusing on V or even adding to the progress of the story, but they absolutely didn’t.

Please, explain to me how his mothers very detailed past is in any way relevant to the events that transpire during the route? They don’t even explain why V is the man he is, not really.

The Plot:

While we’re already at it, let’s talk about the plot, because frankly I think they made a mistake choosing this setting and it’s obvious that they didn’t really think the whole two years in the past thing through.

There were a couple of continuity issues with the entire thing, but that can happen so I don’t really want to focus on that. I’d much rather talk about the setting and why I think it would have been better as a Saeran route.

Despite this being V’s route, you not only barely get to romance V - but we’ll get to that later - but you actually barely get to interact with him at all. And due to setting the interactions like the car phone calls are extremely cringeworthy. 

Personally I would have preferred the entire thing having been set in the same time line as the original routes just a little later with Rika gone and V having to deal with what he’s caused and how to move on.

That way interactions would not only have been more natural, they also would have made more sense as well as actually giving you the opportunity to romance and help V properly. 

In this route, you really don’t help him like you do in the others. It’s more about saving yourself than V and the change in his heart that does happen doesn’t seem natural at all.

One moment he is telling you how he loves and adores Rika and how he needs to sacrifice himself and the next moment he realizes it’s obsession and not love and let’s everyone else take the reigns.

That change came way too fast and therefor seemed rushed and rather unnatural to me. The general flow of the entire story did. At first is was far too slow and then it turned into a rushed clusterfuck towards the end.

The Romance:

This is honestly one of the parts I am the saltiest about and I don’t even know where to begin with this honestly. Cheritz is aware that MM is an otome game, right? Why can’t I romance the main character?!

Like I’m not even a V fan, but even I felt let down but the romance aspect of this route because there was literal none. The entire routes it’s Rika, Rika, Rika and ‘I don’t know how to love, keep away from me’

To me it felt like someone had taken the worst parts of Yoosung’s and Saeyoung’s route and smashed them together to create this. It was honestly so frustrating and the suddenly ‘romantic endings’ were unsatisfying.

Worst of all, the romance we did get wasn’t really all too nice either. It was a constant cycle of MC trying to save V and V trying to sacrifice himself for MC. They don’t even get to know one another?! How is that even love?

The RFA:

Where were they? I’m seriously confused. Zen disappeared for an entire day and it literally changed nothing. You barely get to talk to any of the RFA, actually, despite them being kind of the focus of this game.

I learned nothing new about them, I didn’t get to build any friendship with them which made them suddenly trusting me and caring so much for me really awkward and from a writing point illogical.

I mean technically as a player you get to know Jumin through the backstory VN but he doesn’t know that and neither does MC so why do they talk about her like she is some saint and she cares so much. 

Also, and I want to mention this specifically because it bugged the hell out of me: I literally lost all respect or faith I had in Yoosung. He was a huge disappointment and I’ll never see his character the same way.

I really enjoyed how unapologetic everyone else in the RFA was of Rika, as they should be after everything she’s done , but Yoosung even attempting to excuse it despite not knowing of her past made me rage

Rika:

Ah yes, the grand bitch herself. Honestly, I really hope that anyone who ever posted positivity for her feels really, really bad after playing this route because there is literally nothing that could excuse her choices.

She is a horrible person and on top of that they really added a notch of completely mental in this route, making all conversations with her hard to follow and boring as hell.

In fact both V and Rika have this tendency to talk in code and comparison and I cannot hear the word sun anymore. Everything seemed so pretentious after some time, like two hipsters discussing Nietzsche at Starbucks.

Her backstory didn’t really surprise nor touch me, mainly because I too suffered bullying and abuse by my parents probably even more severe than hers and I do not go around torturing and drugging people. Not impressed.

The whole look into V’s and Rika’s past made me extremely uncomfortable as well. Their ‘love’ was really sick and unhealthy and what weirded me out was how strangely sexual everything seemed.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I love me some Wolf!Zen and Bad End Jumin, but with V and Rika it seemed so out of place and plain uncomfortable, especially the whole photo thing…

But above all, and I cannot stretch this enough, I find it utterly disgusting that you basically have the option to romance Rika. To even think that was okay to put into the route is beyond me.

That worn out idea that every villanious woman has to be over sexualized and in this case even homoerotically is a cheap writing point to begin with, but executed the way it is, it’s like a slap to the face.

How come Rika gets to cuddle it up with MC in multiple CG’s and flirt the entire time but Jaehee’s entire goddamn route has none of that? That is seriously just insulting to the players in my opinion. Moving on before I have an aneurysm. 

Saeran:

Loved him! Hands down the highlight of the entire route. I’d always dreamed about his route being similar to this route, with you working with Mint Eye to take down the RFA instead of the other way around.

This was like a taste of a dream, really. He was what I’d hoped V to be; romantic, devoted, actually pursuable to some extend and beyond everything you actually get to know more about him.

His character is really well expanded in this route and for a writing who always wants to get to know the character better, this addition to the game was like a dream come true.

Beyond just getting to know more about him, however, he actually gave some room for interpretations, analysis and discussion. Is he really dead? Is Ray the real personality or Saeran? 

He made me laugh. He made me cry. He actually made me go through the emotional rollercoaster the route should have been but only was due to him. He saved the whole thing for me, because he was actually human.

The Art:

I was a little disappointed by the art as well, if I’m honest. It’s not as bad and rushed as the DLC art was, but also not entirely the same style as the original. The fact that they can’t stay consistent within the same game is sad.

The colour palette was constantly changing between the CG’s as well as the CG’s in comparison to the in game play. Just look at Jumin in the picture with V’s father and the one with his own. The skin doesn’t even add up.

On top of that some of the colours were way too vivid and made some of the art seem flat for lack of shading. And don’t let me get started on those pathetic chibi pictures of Jumin and V.

I was actually looking forward to the backstory parts of those two, I even wrote a fic about that, but with the art looking like super poor chibi’s like not even the cute kind, I was extremely let down.

As for the CG’s themselves, they weren’t all too overwhelming either. A lunch box, a salad and an old ass book? Thanks for the amazing additions to my character albums.

Not to mention the amazing V album that while it actually expanded quite a lot, most of it was useless since it involved Rika or his mother. 3 CG’s. We get 3 MC x V CG’s and two of those look like MC is forcing herself on V. Great!

Also was it just me or did V look kind of blurry the entire time? Not in the CG’s but in the game he looked kind of fuzzy compared to the old design. I mean not that there is much of a difference with anyone, despite 2 years…

The Voice Acting:

Some were amazing, some were mediocre and of some I was really disappointed, namely Rika. Since we non-Korean’s rely heavily on the text below we obviously pay a bigger focus on that.

Now reading the subtitles Rika’s VA really underperformed on this one. Rika had some very dramatic scenes and a lot of anger and pain that were conveyed beautifully while written but fell flat while spoken.

I honestly expected more vigor with this one, because as an actor myself I know how much fun it can be to get those really dramatic slightly over the top roles. It didn’t look like the VA was enjoying it at all.

She could have screamed so much more, could have actually sounded angrier and match the facial expressions Rika was making while talking, but never did. A grave opportunity missed.

Ray on the other hand. I wasn’t really a fan of the VA in the normal route but he really stepped up his game with this one and I loved it. Emotions to rip your heart out. Once again, saving the route. 

Conclusion:

While I enjoyed the route with the new content and general excitement it provided, I was overall disappointed with what seemed to be a lack of thought and care put into creating the route.Of course I am still thankful to Cheritz for creating at all, but as a content creator myself who gets literally nothing out of it, I still make sure to keep certain standards. Let’s hope for a better Saeran route…

[wallpaperpainter]

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‘I still acquire the cheque I wrote to my aboriginal diet doctor – Baltimore, 1977. I was 23 years old, 67kg, a admeasurement 8, and I anticipation I was fat. The doctor put me on a 1,200-calorie regimen, and in beneath than two weeks I had absent 10lbs (there’s annihilation like the aboriginal time…). Two months later, I’d regained 12. Thus began the aeon of discontent, the attempt with my body. With myself.”

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ith that aboriginal step, Oprah Winfrey abutting the dieting army – Beverly Hills, Atkins, Scarsdale, Cabbage Soup – we apperceive them all; we’ve done them all. Like so abounding added dieters, she absent weight, acquainted terrific, vowed never to accomplish but consistently did and so the abandoned aeon took hold.

Oprah absent and regained and absent and regained with anniversary and every diet. At her heaviest, she was 107kg and abounding of self-loathing. Anniversary time she hit the target, she did a appropriate show, affectation in her ‘slim’ jeans or whatever accouterments fabricated her attending and feel sensational.

I apperceive how Oprah, and abounding others, feel. I’ve not absent as abounding pounds, but I acquire been on a calorie-deficit diet – abounding times. The aboriginal time, I absent weight, regained it and a bit more. Afresh I went on accession calorie-controlled diet, absent weight (not as calmly the additional time round) regained it and a bit more. And afresh another, and another.

When I started this abandoned aeon age-old 15, I was 5ft 2in and about 54kg. That’s a anatomy accumulation basis (BMI) blast in the boilerplate of the accustomed range, but a brace of comments at academy and I anticipation I was fat. I went to a newsagent and best up a album about calorie counting.

The book said: “To lose 1lb of fat you charge to actualize a arrears of 3,500 calories.” That was allegedly it – the abstruse to weight loss. Apparently all I bare to do was eat beneath and/or do more, and for every 3,500 beneath calories eaten and/or 3,500 added calories acclimatized off, I would magically lose 1lb of anatomy fat. The timescale was declared to be absolutely adjustable too – cut aback by 500 calories a day to lose 1lb in seven days. Or cut aback by 1,000 calories a day to lose 2lb per week. I’ve apparent suggestions that acid aback by a 50-calorie biscuit a day will aftereffect in a 5lb weight accident at the end of the year.

My mother was a sports teacher, so I was already afterward in her footsteps and ‘doing more’ than any of my peers: swimming, hockey, rounders, tennis, badminton, contest – you name it – I was accomplishing added of it. The aliment bit seemed like a allotment of block (excuse the pun). I went on to do maths and economics at Cambridge University, so memorising the calorie agreeable of abounding foods and totting them up every time I ate was a doddle.

I started my 1,000-calorie-a-day diet in the autumn and began to lose weight. By spring, aback winter tracksuits came off, my sports team-mates noticed my weight loss. In the six months of dieting, according to the 3,500-calorie blueprint in my diet book, I should acquire absent 23kg in fat alone, and added on top in agreement of baptize and beef (sadly) – about 27kg, in fact. I had absent a atom of that. I’d gone beneath 45kg, but had absent a third of what the blueprint said I should acquire done.

I cut aback alike more. I accomplished the point over the summer area I was aggravating to alive on atramentous coffee and blooming apples – that’s about 400 calories a day. At my everyman weight, I biconcave beneath 41kg and I started accepting threatened with school/doctor interventions. So I absitively that I would stick at that weight for a while, booty the burden off, and afresh acknowledgment as anon as accessible to what by now had become an obsession. Abandoned that didn’t assignment out too well.

The album said that weight could be maintained at about 1,500 calories a day. I hadn’t spotted that bit aback I started my aboriginal diet. I hadn’t apparent ‘the baby print’ aback I was aflame about ‘the new me’. I hadn’t active up to bistro three abode of what I bare to eat (and a atom of what I had eaten as a adventurous teenager) for the blow of my life. It angry out that this too was a lie. If abandoned one could eat three abode of calories bare and not accomplish weight.

I started on my 1,500-calorie-a-day ‘maintenance’ diet and I started to accomplish faster than Usain Bolt can sprint. I afraid and approved to carve aback to the apples and atramentous coffee. Abandoned I didn’t assume to acquire the discipline for that any more. I had reacquainted myself with the aftertaste of cereal, acknowledgment and calorie-counted ‘fake food’ and I capital added of it. The added I approved to cut back, the added aliment seemed to bulldoze me to eat it. I was at the alpha of the affliction aeon of my life.

My backward adolescence were bedridden by actuality in complete agitation about food. I went from 41kg to afterpiece to 64kg, but alike the abhorred added weight wasn’t as bad as the faculty of actuality powerless. I was a biologic addict, atrocious to get my fix, but alive that I would feel so abundant bigger if I could get my starving/bingeing beneath control.

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Food is, in abounding ways, the affliction addiction to have. We can accord up cigarettes, we can abstain alcohol, and we can arise off amusing media. We can’t stop arresting things. (The acting success of aqueous diets, by the way, is abundantly due to the actuality that they stop us bistro for a aeon of time.)

We acquire been fed abounding atrocious lies aback it comes to weight loss. We appetite to be abbreviate added than appealing abundant annihilation abroad in the world. It’s not our accountability that we’re not. We are not failures – the slimming admonition that we acquire been accustomed has set us up to fail.

Did you apperceive that there is no affirmation for that 3,500-calorie affiance in diet books? Did you apperceive that there is no affirmation that calorie-deficit diets acquire anytime accomplished long-term, abiding weight loss? Do you apperceive what happens aback you try to eat beneath and/or do more? Would you like to apperceive why calorie-deficit diets don’t work? Would you like to apperceive what does work?

We acquire constant and afresh affirmation for this and yet we accommodated the analogue of carelessness every Monday morning by starting accession calorie-controlled diet and cerebration that this time will be different.

I acquire formed one-to-one with bodies to try to admonition them to lose weight. The aboriginal catechism I ask is -when did your weight botheration start? Nine times out of 10, the acknowledgment is: “I wasn’t that overweight, but I went on a calorie-controlled diet, absent weight, regained it and a bit more. So afresh I went on accession calorie-controlled diet, absent weight, regained it and a bit more.” The dieter concluded up with a bigger weight botheration accepting approved to diet.

My adventure has a blessed ending. Indeed, I’ve been adequate the blessed catastrophe for over 20 years. I’ve begin a way to advance my ideal weight (50kg) after hunger, starvation or deprivation. I adore aliment in a way that I could never acquire imagined. I acclimated the agony of the ‘worst aeon of my life’ to alpha a abiding abstraction of obesity, weight accident and affecting relationships with food.

It has been a alluring adventure and I acquire been allowance others to get abbreviate and breach abbreviate aback 2004. I appetite to admonition you to get off the rollercoaster of losing, regaining and apparently a bit more. I appetite the abutting pounds/kilos that you lose to be the aftermost that you charge to lose – the ones that arise off and breach off.

This is an edited abstract from The Diet Fix: How To Lose Weight And Accumulate It Off… One Aftermost Time by Dr Zoë Harcombe (Short Books) Disclaimer: This abstract is advised to inform, absorb and abet your thinking. This is not advised as medical advice. It may, however, accomplish you catechism accepted medical and comestible advice. That’s your choice. It’s your activity and bloom in your hands. Neither the columnist nor the administrator can be captivated amenable or accountable for any accident or affirmation arising from the use, or misuse, of the agreeable of this book

There are abounding studies which appearance calorie brake doesn’t assignment long-term. One of my favourites is the Franz analysis — you’ll acquisition it online. Published in 2007, it advised the after-effects of 80 weight-loss studies agitated out amid January 1997 and September 2004. A absolute of 26,455 participants were involved.

At the one-year follow-up, beyond all the studies, 29pc of bodies had abandoned out and were no best accessible for assessment. The aboriginal absorbing award was that bodies struggled to stick to a diet alike aback they knew they were complex in an important bookish study. And abounding of these diets were not boxy either — some aloof complex accomplishing exercise or alike demography a weight-loss drug.

The Franz analysis independent some actual absorbing findings:

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The aboriginal weight accident was in the studies area the action was exercise alone. The aphorism ‘you can’t outrun a bad diet’ was accurately proved. The bigger weight accident was accomplished in the actual low-calorie (liquid) diets.

The bigger weight accident accumulation was additionally the bigger weight accomplish group. The actual low-calorie (liquid) diet studies aggregate calm biconcave to the everyman point and afresh the accomplish was about as rapid.

Something happened at about six months. In every group, weight accident was everyman at the half-year mark and afresh accomplish started.

Despite some of the interventions accomplishing far greater than a 1,000-calorie-a-day deficit, the boilerplate weight accident was 5-9kg in six months. The “plateau at about six months” was bigger declared as the basal of the weight accident ambit afore accomplish started.

After four years, area abstracts were available, dieters were advantageous to be 3-6kg bottomward from their starting weight. Does that complete like a acceptable deal? If you can stick to a diet for four years, you adeptness be a few kilos bottomward at the end of your ordeal.

Counting calories doesn’t work. Aggravating to eat beneath doesn’t work. Aggravating to do added doesn’t work.

It’s a allegory that “To lose 1lb of fat you charge to actualize a arrears of 3,500 calories”. The powers-that-be apperceive not from beginning that allegory came and they cannot prove it.

The best important studies from the accomplished 100 years (including the Minnesota Starvation Experiment and the Stunkard and McLaren-Hume study) acquire apparent that low-calorie diets don’t work. In fact, we’ve abstruse that ache is commensurable with war in agreement of the adverse aftereffect it has on people.

They additionally appearance that weight accident on badly belted calorie regimes is a atom of the bulk predicted. The beneath you eat, the beneath you charge abide to eat to acquire any adventitious of accident added weight and weight accident will stop, at some point, whether you like it or not.

The anatomy will do whatever it takes to about-face the furnishings of starvation/dieting. Bistro beneath and/or accomplishing added doesn’t work: We can’t sustain a calorie arrears because aggravating to eat beneath makes us appetite to eat added and do beneath and aggravating to do added makes us appetite to eat added and do less. We are hard-wired to eat added and do less. We can’t change that hard-wiring. We charge to alpha alive with our bodies – no added angry the absolute history of evolution.

Even if, in the short-term, we could sustain a calorie deficit, the anatomy eventually adjusts. There are nine systems in the animal anatomy – all of which can and do adjust. If we put beneath ammunition in, the anatomy does beneath – it doesn’t aloof accord up anatomy fat. That’s one of the aftermost things that it wants to do, as anatomy fat has been our adaptation absolute through times continued afore supermarkets existed.

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The bald act of aggravating to eat beneath drives bad aliment choices. We graze, to accomplish us feel beneath deprived. We try to get the better blast for our calorie buck, to accomplish us feel beneath deprived. This leads us to high-carbohydrate, low-fat foods, drip-fed throughout the day.

This turns out to be the affliction accessible affair to do to lose weight.

Weight accident is the act of breaking bottomward anatomy fat. The hormone in the anatomy that does this for us is alleged glucagon. Glucagon (see opposite) needs us to accommodated four altitude to be able to breach bottomward anatomy fat: We charge not acquire glucose accessible as fuel. We charge not acquire insulin present. We charge to do things that accredit glucagon to be alleged upon; and not do things that arrest the operation of glucagon.

Once you acquire the requisite knowledge, the accepting that you are the abandoned being who can accomplish your ambition is the best basic abutting step.

Take all the tips and afflatus that you need, but afresh acquire that you – and abandoned you – are the being who can accomplish what you want.

The simplest and easiest ammunition for the animal anatomy to use is glucose. If you absorb any aliment that contains glucose (that’s any carbohydrate in essence), the anatomy needs to accord with it absolutely rapidly, because a aerial claret glucose (or claret sugar) akin can be damaging.

The anatomy releases the hormone insulin to accompany bottomward claret glucose levels. There are a cardinal of means in which insulin controls claret sugar. It allows glucose to be transported into muscles, area it is stored as glycogen. It additionally switches on the glucose accumulator arrangement in the liver, axis glucose into glycogen. In accession to this, it can actuate biochemical pathways in the alarmist that about-face glucose into fat.

As a accepted rule, abandoned aback the anatomy has run out of glucose will it attending for an another ammunition – fat, for example. The anatomy is absolutely blessed fuelling on fat. However, it finds carbs (or glucose) easier, and our accepted carb-heavy diet has led to best bodies accepting a suboptimal adeptness to ammunition on fat.

The anatomy has two options for fuelling on fat: comestible fat and stored (body) fat. If you acquire afresh had a adulate coffee, for example, your anatomy can use the fat from the adulate for fuel. If you are out of stored glucose and out of comestible fat, your anatomy can alpha to breach bottomward anatomy fat. That’s weight loss. The anatomy can additionally breach bottomward anatomy fat if your claret glucose akin gets low.

The apparatus by which anatomy fat is burst bottomward involves a hormone alleged glucagon. Think of insulin and glucagon as according and adverse hormones. Insulin takes glucose out of the claret beck and food fuel; glucagon puts glucose aback into the claret beck and accesses fuel. They are not in comedy at the aforementioned time. If insulin is accomplishing something, glucagon is dormant. If glucagon is accomplishing something, insulin is dormant. If glucose is available, there is no charge to breach bottomward anatomy fat. If insulin is present, it is not accessible to breach bottomward anatomy fat.

What makes glucose available? Carbohydrates. What makes insulin present? Carbohydrates again, but additionally protein. The abandoned macronutrient that doesn’t arise to acquire an appulse on glucose or insulin is fat. I achievement you’re apprehensive now why we are told to eat so abundant carbohydrate.

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[seungcheolrk]

● SPHERE NOVEMBER EVALUATION: INTERROGATION !

NOVEMBER 30TH, 2017 A MOCK INTERVIEW

he’s almost embarrassed to admit how nervous he is for the end of the month— perhaps more so than he has been for an evaluation in a long time, if ever. after all, it’s no secret that talking is not seungcheol’s forte. 

it has to be said, however, that amongst all the nerves is a building excitement. the particularly appropriate challenge for this month’s stressful final day only serves as a reminder of what’s to come — endless grilling from the public, perfecting answers to questions he should never have to expect and, thus, of course, debut. momentarily, his mind wanders to his million curiosities about how it’ll all unfold, but he doesn’t allow it to stray too far, since they’re about to start and seungcheol already knows that actually listening is the most important part of an interview. 

his coach makes himself comfortable in the seat opposite him, prepared with questions hidden to seungcheol’s eye. ( though, admittedly, as tempting as it might be, seungcheol is far too scared of being caught to have even tried sneaking a peek. ) anything could be written on those papers, and whilst seungcheol doesn’t think he’s ever done anything to be challenged on in an unanswerable question, it doesn’t hurt to anticipate the worst. he’ll either get what he expected or be pleasantly surprised to be spared; isn’t that foolproof? he supposes he’ll find out. 

“please introduce yourself.” 

easy enough, he thinks. “h-hello! I’m s.coups, o-one of convex’s m-main rappers.” he hesitates to playfully add ‘dancing black hole’, but quickly decides against it. it’s difficult to get his tone across when he’s stumbling over his words like this and he’d rather not be misinterpreted. still, he knows he can’t leave it at that — it’s far too plain, tells the coach nothing about him as a person or a performer. he inwardly cringes as he considers his trainee title as a last resort after he’s left too long of a pause between answers, but the moment has passed before he can think of anything else. 

“we hear you’re ‘sphere’s scaredy cat’. where did this come from?” 

he supposes it’s wishful thinking to think he’ll ever escape it. he doesn’t mind it too much; after all, he gave himself the name. he just doesn’t want it to be his only identity after debut. he’s much more than a scaredy cat, really. “I get st-startled v-very easily.” he breathes out a weak chuckle. “l-loud noises, mostly, so y-you can imagine w-what it’s l-like for me living in a d-dorm of th-thirteen.” speculation, of course, but he doesn’t think it’ll be far off the truth. 

“it’s becoming expected now for rappers to write their own lyrics. you don’t. why?” 

he sucks in a deep breath. “for a long time, I’ve been p-passionate about making rap more acc-accessible to all. I w-want to rid the industry of th-this idea that you ha-have you have an extensive b-background in underground r-rapping to be a rapper. o-of course, if you h-have that, that’s great, b-b-b-but— I think it discourages a lot of y-young people from pursuing rap.” his eyes widen in panic, wondering if he’s perhaps talking too much or even sounding judgemental to those who have that experience under their belt. of course, he doesn’t mean any harm by his comments; he can’t help that his own experiences with underground rappers has so often been sour. “I want to be a g-great idol rapper, so I c-can inspire mo-more future idols to feel c-confident in their skills.”

“we heard that you sang for your audition, though. if rap is so important to you, why did you sing?” 

“singing is important to me, too.” he answers evenly, the first sentence to come out free of trembles. maybe it’s because it feels like an attack, like he can’t be passionate about more than one thing, like he’s being accused of being unfocused, indecisive. “I’m v-versatile musically. rap is my f-focus, but I have a lot of tr-tricks up my sleeve I h-hope to show more as time passes. at the time, I had o-only singing publicly for a f-few months, so it fe-felt right to h-honour that new e-era of my life.” 

“you also sing monthly on your youtube channel, right? can you tell us more about that? we’re all curious who WZ is.” 

he laughs heartily, a soft pink dusting his cheeks. he wonders if they truly feel as if they’re catching him out here; as if he’s going to stumble ( not too much of a stretch to believe ) over an excuse for ‘WZ’s identity, but the real truth is— “WZ is convex’s shortest lead dancer, lee jihoon!” it’s rather noticeable how his stutter drops immediately at the mention of his best friend, and even more obvious how his features light up and his shoulders relax. his hands hidden under the table have stopped rubbing against one another, instead animatedly gesturing as he speaks. “we share a love for gfriend’s music, so I decided to dedicate the first cover of my monthly project to him. it’s also one of the two videos I showed him when I told him about the channel and my past with singing, so it has a lot of sentimental value.” his eyes curve as he pauses for a few beats. “my monthly project started as a way to ensure I uploaded semi-regularly on that channel,” and a way to keep sane through the rollercoaster that was 2016, he bites his tongue, “but it’s also now a testament to my growth both musically and personally over the past— wow, almost two years. you can see how I’ve matured from the early days, writing out raps to avoid bringing my two worlds together, to now. there’s so much more vibrancy in my covers now, even if I do have to record them late at night after training.” he chuckles, running a hand through his hair, hoping his blush isn’t too obvious. 

“speaking of jihoon, you two seem to be close. you’ve both posted about each other on instagram and you speak very fondly of him.” 

“jihoon and I have been best friends for almost four years. we’re— kind of opposites in a lot of ways and that’s why we work so well together. jihoon’s helped me through a lot, and he’s helped me to get closer with the other convex boys, whether he realises it or not.” he has a proud grin on his gentle features as he thinks to the endless encouragement the younger gives him, the unconditional support and patience. he nods softly. “it’s through his friendship that I’ve grown more confident in myself and learnt to take risks. where he is brave, I am cowardly, and where I am gentle, he can be unintentionally sharp. he has an attention to detail I don’t, and I have a nagging voice he sometimes needs. we’re always helping one another grow to be better and better versions of ourselves.” he hums quietly. “I have lots to learn from every member of convex; charisma from hyun, dance from the performance unit—” he pales, realising he’d uttered the word he’d been trying to avoid. 

“it’s no secret that dance isn’t your strong point. in a predebut performance in july, you fell a lot. do you think you’ve improved since then?” 

they really don’t hold back, he thinks, blinking once, twice, before he snaps back to reality. july is still a month he doesn’t really enjoy looking back on, and that much must be obvious, or he doubts they’d have honed in on it specifically. “I d-definitely still have a long way to go,” he admits, “but it’s something my interest in is growing in ra-rapidly. I’ve been working on it a lot recently, so please anticipate my next stage! you’ll see!” he smiles brightly, sighing inwardly in relief. 

“you didn’t take the college entrance exams, correct? so if you weren’t an idol, what would you be doing?” 

“music.” he answers immediately, not a moment of hesitation. “being an idol is the path th-through music that I want more than anything, but it’s not the only path. I have an interest in classical music, too, and a particularly strong interest in movie scores. my family also own a music store, so I would find a way to be part of music somehow.” he nods, adding quietly, “it’s my destiny.” 

“why do you think you deserve to debut?” 

“hard work, dedication and passion; just like everyone else. everyone deserves to debut if their heart is in it.” it’s probably not the answer he should be giving. maybe he should be selling himself, talking about how he alone has worked hard and how baek jiyoung deems him ready and he feels it in his bones, too, that this is the right time, but it’s not in his nature. he knows idols are supposed to lie from time to time— white lies for the sake of image aren’t foreign to him, but had he or had he not worked so hard to rid himself of that? to be honest? he doesn’t think he has a personality that’s particularly un-idol-friendly, so maybe he’s reasonably safe. maybe his white lies can be about ideal types and how easy he is to wake up in the morning. we’ll see, he thinks. 

“finally, what are your goals for the future? do you want to have a solo career on the side one day? perhaps acting or modelling? radio hosting?” 

“my only goal is to continue to better myself for fans and for the other boys; to be the best performer I can each and every time I step on stage, and never to give up or falter. I want to help convex grow to being a highly respected name; a group that is known for their charms and performance skills. anything beyond that, solo activities, modelling contracts, for myself alone are bonuses.” still, he laughs softly as he adds, “that being said, I’d really love to go on king of masked singer, or something similar, one day.” 

once he’s finished talking and the coach clicks the lid shut on his pen, he breathes a sigh of relief. he doesn’t doubt that he’ll launch into a full analysis of his performance in a few minutes, once he’s organised his criticisms into a more natural order, but for now, he can’t say he doesn’t expect the obvious, “you definitely need to work on that stutter,” that fills the stifling silence. 

“I’m w-w-working on it.” 

the coach doesn’t make eye contact as he adds, “and to think you considered yourself a contender as a leader with it.” he bites his bottom lip nervously, hands returning to rubbing against one another under the table. it’s not a statement he’s undeserving of and perhaps that’s why it stings so much more than he expects at first, digging into his confidence and dragging it into the ground. he wants to argue, clarify that he didn’t explicitly name himself for it, he simply laid everything on the table, said he’d do anything because he would— if it meant pleasing everyone, he’d do it— but it’s not worth it. he has to develop a thick skin, anyway, right? then comments like this ( and worse ) won’t hurt so much after debut. 

he can see it now: convex’s black hole, convex’s unlucky number 13. he chews through the skin.

his pride was fun while it lasted, at least.

[nelsrambles]

I want to face my fears.

Or at least allow myself to feel fear. I’ve realised that I’ve kept myself sheltered because I don’t allow myself to end up in situations where I could feel strong emotions - positive or negative. I stop films or reading books when they get too scary, too sad, too stressful. I remind myself that they’re not real and rationalise so that I don’t get too invested in the plot. I make up excuses not to do the things I want to do but am scared of - I can’t ice skate before auditions, what if I break my ankle? I can’t go on a rollercoaster, screaming could damage my voice. I can’t learn to swim, I hate getting water in my eyes, don’t waste your time. I don’t allow myself to like people. I don’t form new deep relationships because I don’t want to get hurt when they inevitably end. I don’t take risks with others, I don’t express my opinions because I feel like they’re not coherent or strong enough and I’m also scared of disagreeing with people. I don’t open up to new people incase they don’t like what they see. I don’t talk much incase what comes out is stupid or annoying. I don’t allow myself to look stupid. Or with some I only allow myself to look stupid. I don’t tell others how I’m feeling because I can’t rationalise it and I’m scared. I’m not even sure what I’m scared of - that they’ll think I’m stupid for feeling that way? I don’t allow myself to form romantic relationships or to be vulnerable in romantic relationships because I know one day it will end. I make barriers so that separation one day will be easier. I compartmentalise. I push down emotions because “now is not the right time”. I keep my emotions for later when I am alone but sometimes I’ve pushed them down so forcefully I can’t bring them back to the surface when I want to, when I am alone and then suddenly everything comes back to the surface at the same time and no one else is there and no one knows I’m even having the emotions and everyone thinks I’m fine and that I’m not emotional and sometimes I even convince myself I’m not emotional but then when all the emotions come at once I realise I am, I definitely am, I just struggle to show them to others. I’m scared to show myself to others. Which is stupid because I desperately want to show myself to others. I long to be free, I long to be myself and to connect to others. But I have this wall inside that stops me? That makes me not be myself. I feel like I’m behind this wall and I can literally see myself interacting with others and I’m so AWARE that it’s not me? I’m not being me? I have so much more to me and I just don’t know how to express it how to show it and it’s driving me crazy.

I can be a bit of a control freak, I realise that now. I think things through - I over think. I do live in the moment sometimes and act spontaneously, and these are often the best days of my life, but I think too much about consequences. I always have - I’m scared of breaking the rules because I don’t like being told off. I’ve realised I don’t like experiencing other people’s anger so I always try and stick to the rules, people please, and calm angry situations. It’s ironic because that is literally a character I created in my A Level drama piece, and I did all the character analysis, and I’ve only just realised I created myself. I come up with endless plans, though I barely ever see them through - I mean you can tell, I’ve had a studyblr, a fitblr, I’ve joined health challenges, I’m even a freaking “team leader” on one right now. I know I can come across as organised and serious and studious, but in the words of a dear friend: “It’s like if I didn’t know you I’d think you have your life so together but because I do I know you’re the biggest mess of all”. I don’t allow people to see that mess until I’m really close with people.

I don’t think I let myself think people are my friends. Until it’s been so long that I’m like, by now they must be. I assume people are hanging out with me because of necessity rather than actively wanting my company because a lot of the time I honestly can’t see why others would want to spend time with me - if the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t! I don’t allow myself to feel strong friendship too quickly in case it ends. Again, so I don’t get hurt. I don’t assume I’m friends with people, they’re just “people I know”, or “people I’m friendly with”. I find conversation difficult a lot of the time because in my head everything has to serve a purpose. Small talk frustrates me, but I end up doing it a LOT.

I say I’m not emotional, but I have so much inside. My real struggle is communication. I find it quite easy to write all this down, my mind is ticking over quite quickly, but I know if I was trying to speak this aloud it would be a train wreck. I would forget what I was trying to say, stumble over my words, I don’t talk in an engaging way so it would be whiny and boring to listen to. I have tried, in the past, to talk to others about my feeling, but it’s like an invisible hand is choking me. I’m attempting to protect myself so strongly from my negative emotions that my mind just goes blank. Completely blank. I see white. And it’s so frustrating because I want to be open, and I know it’s healthier to talk about your emotions, and my friendships would probably be stronger if I allowed others to see my vulnerability. But instead I’m just medium all the time. And medium is boring. Medium is meh. Medium is hard to connect to, to engage with.

I want to face my fears. I will face my fears.

On the one hand, I know I’m not going to let go of control. I need to actually commit to the things I say I’m going to do because improvement needs to happen before I can get anywhere. But I’m also going to allow myself to experience bad emotions. Or just emotion in general. I’m FINALLY going to act on the advice my teacher gave me two years ago - turns out he knew me better than I knew myself, even though I’d only had him 5 days. I’m going to throw myself into everything and do all the things I’ve always wanted to do. I’m going to live in the present, because we only have the present, and it’s going to be an interesting and difficult few months but on the other side I will be better for it.

Nel xoxo