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imagine-loki · 3 years

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Hiding in Plain Sight

TITLE: Hiding in Plain Sight

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 11

AUTHOR: wolfpawn

ORIGINAL IMAGINE:Imagine coming from a line of nobility or royalty and being in an arranged marriage with Loki in an attempt to strengthen your kingdom / alliance with Asgard. You’re not entirely on board with the idea but figured that the best you could do was to get to know your fiancé. You form an agreement with Frigga for you to pose as Loki’s personal servant for a few months so you can get to know who Loki really is – beyond the veil of his responsibility to the Asgardian throne, behind all the masks he wears when facing the public, to really know who Loki is behind closed doors as you slowly fall for each other.How long will you keep up the ruse with the God of Lies?

RATING: General Audience

“Loki?” Frigga looked worriedly at her son who burst into his parents’ shared rooms. “Is everything…?”

“You conspired with that elf against me?” He snapped.

Sighing, Frigga gave a slight wave to her maids who all left the room. “Conspired is a strong word for it,” Her voice was calm and steady as she rose from her seat. “She wrote, asking of your character and I suggested she get to know you. Tatianna needed time with family and thus, I realised she could get to meet you without you being guarded as I knew you were unsure of the situation and were not likely to open up to her.”

Loki gasped in shock. “So you planned this? You were the one to actually suggest it?” He became more hurt at that revelation.

“You treat that maid with nothing but kindness, I thought if Raven saw that side of you also, she would see how caring you are. I knew that you would not open yourself as willingly to her otherwise.” “I…” he could not explain his anger, such was its intensity.

“Loki, I am truly sorry for doing this, clearly, it was a mistake on my behalf. I am genuinely sorry for hurting you so, my son.” She tried to have him look at her so that he would see she was being genuine. “In turn, I also hurt Raven.” Loki scoffed at the mention of the elf. “She is a lovely woman. Bright, kind, a good partner for you but instead, it appears my little idea has hurt you both so.” “Even after what you have done to me, the two of you, you care about her?” “Loki, Raven has had a very restricted life, she only wanted to know if she would be forced to endure the same here. I know you will not believe this but she simply wishes to be happy and knowing I am integral to the suffering of more unhappiness for her is upsetting for me. It does not take for my upset at the hurt I caused you.”

Loki scowled. Raven’s words came back to him again, of her loneliness and the life she was forced to lead thus far. He didn’t want to feel pity for her. He wanted to loathe her, something quite easy to do with her actions but it still played on his mind. Without saying another word to his mother, he turned to leave.

“I genuinely believe that given the time, you will see you are well suited, Loki,” Frigga stated.

“Perhaps we could have been.” Loki acknowledged. “But you scuppered our chances significantly with your idea.” With that, he left the room.

* Raven sat in her room, the door between her bed chambers and front chambers locked and with a sofa in front of it in case any thought to try and open it. She had been ready for Loki’s ire and remarks, she had long built a thick skin being the youngest of five and with four older brothers, what she had not been ready for was her own words. The idea of sitting alone in her rooms for days on end was nothing new to her, what was new was the knowledge that it would not come to an end. Growing up, she had hoped the day would come that she would have a happier existence. Even as a Ljósáfar wife to a Ljósáfar husband, she could not possibly be forced to remain as she had been growing up. On hearing she was marrying an Aesir, she knew life would be far different and on knowing it was Prince Loki, though she knew little of his demeanour, she knew the Aesir way of life would allow her far greater freedom and she also knew him to be very intelligent, allowing her to fantasise of the many conversations and discussions they could share. The debates they could muster in private in the evenings after court was complete for the day. She had been excited about that. Even if they did not see eye to eye, she had dreamed of debate and conversation where she was not required to remain silent. Instead, now she had ruined any such an idea and would be forced to look at the walls that currently surrounded her for considerable years yet to come and that felt far more daunting than she could ever fathom. It filled her with a dread that made her feel like she would begin to hyperventilate at any moment. She felt entirely trapped.

Questions swirled around in her mind. Would Loki take a mistress? Would he take many over the years? Would she have to endure dark-haired offspring he sired outside of wedlock to mistresses being recognised unofficially? Would she go to empty rooms every night while his were filled with love, passion and the giggles of a lover? Would she remain alone? Would people whisper how she was not a fit spouse? That she was not up to the task of securing the line of her husband. Or, just as heart-wrenching, would she be forgotten about, again. Only recognised and remembered when she stood in the shadow of the important male she was tied to.

Thoughts of her perhaps finding love, feeling unconditional love could not come to her, after all, such was preposterous to her current state. She remembered the affections she felt before with Lord Arden. The stolen kisses, the sneaking around and indeed, the illicit actions of it. When it was made clear that she was to wed Loki, he left immediately with no thorough explanation. She always wondered if it was because it hurt too much to see her being wed elsewhere and he wanted a clean break, or after a while, she suspected it was because he realised he would not achieve his goal of a respectable dowry from her and decided to try other women. She was unsure if she had come to that second conclusion in her own mind to placate her feelings or not but that was going to be her excuse to make her feel better, factual or otherwise.

Curled up with her head on her knees and her arms wrapped around them, she did nothing but think sadly of the situation at hand.

* “You insulted the Ljósáfar.”

Thor had Mjolnir ready for what was to come and chuckled to himself as he deflected several knives that Loki tossed his way.

“You’re never able to aim properly when you are overly angered.” “You said nothing.” Loki’s voice was barely over a hiss. “I was sworn to secrecy.” “By someone you don’t even know?” “By our mother, a being I know even longer than you do,” Thor stated, avoided a blast of magic by using Mjolnir’s own version of such. “Raven only agreed because she wanted to get to know you.” “And that was how she decided to do so?” Loki spat. “Not by engaging me in any manner that would signify any attempt of an honest and healthy introduction?” “Since you failed to answer her three written attempts at such, I cannot imagine she felt she had many other options.”

Loki froze. “What?” “Raven wrote to you. On three separate occasions, and you ignored all three.”

“No, she did not.” Loki shook his head. “Indeed, she did.” Thor reiterated. “This was confirmed, not only by her but when I asked the Postmaster, he confirmed it. I asked him so I could confirm it because you are not one to ignore a letter and I suspected you would call her a liar to save yourself. Three separate letters, dated months apart so to allow for time to receive and reply should you be otherwise busy, giving you time to do so. All three remained unanswered.” “I received no such letters,” Loki repeated.

“Well, three were sent from Alfheim, sorted by the Postmaster himself and delivered to your rooms,” Thor informed him. “She tried before now. It is why she had to try and find reports on your personality elsewhere.” Thor slapped his shoulder. “I wanted to warn you. Well, I mostly wanted to warn you. Part of me also wanted to see the look of shock on your face when you realised who she was. That was until I realised what you were saying about her. I told you many times, Loki, this is very hard on her.”

Loki had been bothered by the supposed letters he had not received until Thor mentioned Raven’s ‘struggle’. “Norns, if I have to hear this again.” He threw his brother’s hand from his shoulder. “Poor Raven, how lonely she has had it. How she had to remain seen and never heard. The Elf I have borne witness to is no such shrinking violet. She literally feels like she has to have the last word, come Helfheim or high water.”

“Because that is who she is. She feels here like she does not have to be a statue any longer.” Thor argued. “Do not lie for one second and tell me that you want a silent and boring wife because you and I both know you rather lose your life than being forced to wed someone without their tongue. How else could you ever have someone at your beck and call to argue with day and night? I would have thought an opinionated and in your belief, an argumentative wife would have suited you to the ground. I doubt you want a wife that would agree with everything you say without question. Where would be the fun in that?”

Loki could not argue that point. Nothing would disgust him more. “That does not negate her actions.”

“She felt she had no choice. Was it something I would suggest? No, but it was for a good reason. She just wanted a good partner.”

Loki scowled. “And in doing so, ensured she would not get one.”

“Loki, please. This is going ahead whether or not you are happy about it, so you have two choices, be angry with her for this, accept any and all apologies, learn about her and try and form a healthy and fulfilling marriage with her or continue this animosity and live an unfulfilled marriage. I will soon have to court my betrothed and if the options of both were on the table, I know I would not wish to remain arguing.” “She already made it clear, the hope is to perform some sacred ritual, ensure you and your wife spawn multiple times and stay as far away from me as is physically possible.”

“Loki, the woman I have spoken to multiple times wants entirely the opposite of that and I know you don’t want to believe it but to her, coming here, having a husband such as you was something she wanted. Sadly, things have gone slightly awry.” Loki began to scoff at his words before pausing. “When has all this conversing been taking place?” “Through her stay here.” Thor kept his answers broad so as to not have Loki sense any dishonesty.

Loki studied his brother closer. “Like when?” “Do you honestly think I can recall days and times off the top of my head?”

“Do you know where in the palace she is?” Thor tried to think of something to say to argue that but silence or a no would immediately be sensed as a lie. “Why?” “I deserve to know, as her betrothed, surely?” “Not if you are going to add to her loneliness with it.” “Loneli…If I wanted to add to her loneliness, the last thing I would do is ask where to find her, Thor.” Loki scoffed. “Where is she?”

“I am not going to tell you if you are going to use it to add to this farce.” Thor’s declared.

Loki knew he was telling the truth, much to his own annoyance. “Then leave.” “This is the royal hallway, I don’t have to leave. I live here, same as you.” Thor reminded him. “In your time speaking with Raven, what have you learnt of her?” “That she’s a conniving wench.”

“No, Loki. In all seriousness, what have you learnt of her? What did it reveal of her knowledge of you?”

“Nothing, she knows nothing of me. Made clear by how she thought to get to know me.” He snapped. “Her way of speaking to me was not to introduce herself but to act like a maid, to scrub toilets and rummage through my belongings. That’s how little she thinks of me.” Loki paused. He had not thought of that previously. She had been privy to all of his belongings. Letters of private matters, items of personal value that he would not have wanted her to see. It annoyed him greatly that she had touched and rummaged through such things.

Seeing his brother getting irritated, Thor decided to alter his train of thought before he focused too greatly on what was annoying him. “So in that time, she got nothing right about your personality? I refuse to believe that because when I discussed the issue with her, I think she got your personality to perfection. The anger, the silent treatment, she even apologised to me for the aggression you would show me, both physical and otherwise.” “That, she did ascertain correctly. That is hardly surprising as it would be considered a normal reaction by most.” Loki dismissed. “I will not repeat myself, where is she?” “You’re repeating yourself saying that to me again.” Thor pointed out. “Until you are willing to speak with her like an adult, I will not tell you.” “You owe me.” “You owe her, considering you never even wrote back when she tried to engage you herself.” Loki said nothing as Thor walked off, leaving him to his thoughts. He walked back to his room and looked at the platter his letters always were placed when delivered to him. There were three there at that time. He walked over and looked around, noting there was nowhere any letter could have fallen for him to not have seen it.

The Aesir Postmaster was a man of set ways. He was practically devout in how he viewed his role. If a letter went missing in his office, Norns have mercy on the being that moved it. He took the role as seriously as Odin took the role of Allfather. If he genuinely told Thor that there had been three letters from the Ljósáfar palace for him, then there had been. So where were they?

#Loki #others #submission #submitted fic #chapter 11 #hiding in plain sitght #wolfpawn

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ice-cream-nekogirl · 4 years

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lights will guide you home (Tokoyami Fumikage X Reader) PART 2

PART 2 to: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/189811426209/lights-will-guide-you-home-tokoyami-fumikage-x

WHOO! Another part done in a day! I was going to put this in the first part but... ultimately decided to just cut it in two since it wasn’t quite done yet... and the first half felt more complete enough to be a chapter...

And yes... I alluded to a moment in American Horror Story because I’m soooooooo original lol JK JK but I couldn’t resist XD

Taglist: @shimy-deko, @teerama

Summary: Your classmates haven’t found you yet, and Tokoyami fears that the worst has happened.

The damage is done The police are coming too slow now I would have died I would have loved you all my life...

You're losing your memory now You're losing your memory now You're losing your memory now You're losing your memory, now…

‘Losing Your Memory’ Ryan Star

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFpFZxvi3Qs

“Flesh, flesh, sweet soft flesh!!”

“(L/N)!!”

“I’ll… KILL YOU…!!”

“STAY AWAY… FROM ME… YOU’LL DIE!!”

“(L/N)!! Look out!!”

“(L/N)!!!”

So many voices were echoing in your aching head that you couldn’t even recognize as minutes felt like hours for you.

Who were those people? What were those voices? You thought as you slowly blinked your eyes open as the high-pitched ringing in your ears drowned out the voices you previously heard. It was exhausting just opening your eyes as you inhaled quietly and exhaled, but then you began to wonder.

‘Where… Where am I…?’

You thought as you suddenly grunted and groaned in pain when a sudden wave of agony hit you and made you cringe when you even attempted to try and get up. There was something warm seeping down your back and down your belly and yet you didn’t even realize it, all you knew is that you were in so much pain...

But where the hell were you? It was dark, so dark as you blinked and saw nothing but dimness in this… forest? What the fuck were you doing in a forest? It was all so overwhelming that you started to tremble and hyperventilate as your first instinct was to get up so you could get out of here.

‘I gotta… no… no what this is place…? This… no… I… I gotta get out of here…’

Stumbling, you shakily got back up on your feet but nearly fell back to your knees as a haze clouded your brain and made it hard for you to comprehend anything that might have been going on as you didn’t smell the burning smoke or even hear the distant shouting.

Your classmates, Izuku, Shouji and Bakugou, you forgot they existed. They were nothing but shadowy figures in your brain as you could only try to stay standing and see if you could get out of here.

You forgot that Tokoyami existed and that it was Dark Shadow responsible for the deep slashes across your back and your stomach as you winced with every step you took. Warm fluid flowing in scarlet rivulets down your torso, staining your shirt that you couldn’t care to acknowledge.

What happened? Why was this happening? How did you get here? No, you weren’t supposed to be in this place, you needed to go home…

Was all you could think as you slowly and clumsily walked away from this place, wherever it was in a confused daze as you looked around frantically for anyone that might be able to help you find your way out.

“HEY! Stop right there young hero! Keep going! You’re almost there!”

A voice made you gasp in shock as you saw a man, dressed like Deadpool? Was he a cosplayer or something? You had no idea but you somewhat desperately walked over to him, “E-Excuse me… b-but w-where am I? I-I think I’m… lost… d-do you um… k-know where I can get out of here…?” You asked him politely, shakily as you couldn’t stop your body from trembling and involuntarily brought a hand up to clutch at your bleeding stomach when the pain started to slowly become more apparent.

“Ooh! That looks ugly! Ah you can barely see it!” He exclaimed in regards to your wound, “And I came from that way! You’ll find a street that takes you to the next town! It’s the wrong way!” His words were confusing you even more but he wasn’t hurting you and didn’t seem to consider the fact that he was SUPPOSED to capture you as you nodded slowly.

“T-Thank you sir…” You shyly stammered as you quickly tried to get away as fast as you could to leave this place, “No problem! Shouldn’t you come with me?!”

He was strange but you had to go, you needed to get out of here that’s all you knew, and you didn’t even know that the man actually had enough sympathy to let you go because he was starting to think that maybe you were just someone who got lost and hurt instead of one of the young heroes…

You had no idea that you were standing in the face of a villain, or the fact that the villain let you go under the belief that you weren’t a student.

Oh my God you were going to be late for dinner tonight at home, you almost wondered if your mom was going to be upset. Or worried, probably worried.

This was so weird, you had no idea where you were at you needed to go home fast, you kept telling yourself that.

Meanwhile…

The pro-heroes arrived too late. The police arrived too late.

The villains were successful in kidnapping Bakugou. Had it not been for Aoyama they would have ended up taking Tokoyami too.

Yet all he, Izuku and Shouji could think about aside from losing their classmate was the fact that another classmate was gone and they couldn’t find you. Although Dark Shadow did manage to defeat and maim the villain ‘Moonfish’ as he was named, there was no sign of you and you didn’t reappear after getting attacked.

Todoroki and Bakugou got Dark Shadow to calm down and put an end to his rage, but you were gone and none of the boys could find you. Shouji couldn’t hear you nor could he detect any noises in the distance because there were too many villains and scattered classmates about for him to tell which one could have been you.

The boys, but especially Tokoyami, were extremely reluctant to tell Aizawa that while one their classmates and his students got kidnapped, that one of them was missing, and it wasn’t even the villains fault. Shouji and Izuku didn’t pin any blame at all on Tokoyami, but Tokoyami himself did.

“It was… it was my fault… I lost control and she…” His voice was cracking but didn’t dare show his tears to his teacher when he took all the responsibility for your disappearance. However, the man couldn’t really let him do that to himself when this wasn’t anyone’s fault.

“Your quirk still needs control. But this was a situation beyond anyone’s control.” Aizawa didn’t disagree that Tokoyami lost control, but he was still only a boy who didn’t have complete control over such a powerful quirk, and this was a situation that neither of them was prepared for so he didn’t blame him.

“B-But I-.”

“No buts. There’s going to be a search party for (L/N) and Bakugou. None of the pro-heroes will leave any stone unturned, not until we find them both. In the meantime, we’re all taking you back home.” His teacher shut down anymore attempts he could make to blame himself as he made the raven go back to his classmates and inspect them for any injuries. Of course, several of them had gotten hurt, and Jirou and Hagakure had to be hospitalized due to the poisonous gas from one of the younger villains.

Everyone had to be sent home except for Jirou, Hagakure, Yaoyorozu and Midoriya, whose injuries needed to be tended to in a hospital. But everyone else was allowed to return home to their families due to their Summer Training Trip being cut short.

Tokoyami could barely sleep that night, in fact, he didn’t sleep at all as he retreated to his room after his parents asked him if he was okay. He wasn’t a liar, but tonight he had to because he couldn’t bear telling his parents that he killed his own classmate because he lost control of his horrible quirk.

He couldn’t tell them that it was all his fault that one classmate was missing and probably dead. He could barely even breathe knowing that fact as he sunk to the floor of his room and grit his teeth when a wave of shame crashed over him and brought him down to his knees.

Shallow breaths hitching as he choked on the sob that had been caught in his throat the second he told Aizawa what happened and he’d been holding it all back until now. His tears dripped from his shut eyes and hit the soft ground of his room as he quietly cried.

He had no idea where you were, no idea if you were still out in the forest, no idea if you were even still alive and it terrified him.

You were gone and it was all his fault…

The last thing he would ever see from you was the look of horror and betrayal in your eyes before Dark Shadow attacked you and threw you deep into that forest. The last thing you would ever see from him was the monster that was his quirk, killing you…

He killed you…

“Fumikage… Mr. Aizawa said that they were going to look for her…” Dark Shadow telepathically and softly spoke to his distraught master, but Tokoyami wasn’t having it. He wasn’t going to listen to him anymore after what he’s done. The shadow’s done some bad things but after all of those things he’s done, he finally crossed the line.

“Fumikage…?”

“Fumikage… come on, I’m… I’m sorry that I-“

“I don’t care if you’re sorry!” After ignoring his shadow ever since Todoroki and Bakugou made him stop, he finally answered to him but he wished that he didn’t.

“B-But I…” Dark Shadow was clearly guilty as he had tears in his now yellow eyes, but Tokoyami didn’t feel sorry for him. “I really am… s-sorry…” He couldn’t believe what he did, he didn’t want to hurt you but he was so angry, so fueled by all the fury and everything else that his host felt in the moment that he just lashed out and tore through everything in his path.

But Todoroki and Bakugou flashed their light on him, only then did he realize what he had done.

He hurt you…

He saw you flying and he knocked you out of the wind…

“If you were sorry you wouldn’t have done what you did…” Tokoyami spoke to him coldly, it wasn’t the first time he’s been pissed off at his shadow before, but this time he was just disappointed with him. He hated him.

“I-I know but…” His shadow sadly whimpered and tried to tell him how sorry he was but Tokoyami shook his head, “I don’t want to hear it anymore! And I don’t want to hear you anymore!” The raven didn’t even think, he just shouted at his quirk when he couldn’t take his apologies anymore. Sorry wasn’t going to bring you back after all.

“B-But Fumi…”

“No more! Just be quiet! Be quiet and don’t speak to me!” He shouted at him one last time as he got up on his knees and turned all the lights on in his room to make his shadow go away, and he held his tongue so he would keep to his word and no longer to speak to his shadow. After what they did to you, this was a deserved punishment.

Dark Shadow gave a low sniffle and quickly retreated when the sudden brightness of the light stung. Tokoyami was really mad at him now, and at the moment he felt like he deserved it now that you were gone because he couldn’t control himself.

“Okay then…” Was the last thing Dark Shadow mumbled as he stood within his host and remained dormant inside.

As he could no longer hear his shadow, Tokoyami already felt the twinge of guilt as he shakily sighed. It’s not like it was completely Dark Shadow’s fault that was simply in his nature, but still, Tokoyami couldn’t help but blame him.

However, he also blamed mostly himself. If anyone was the real villain tonight, it was him.

He hurt someone good, someone beautiful, someone who had never done anything to anybody. A hero in training with a good quirk that did nothing but bring light and good to this already bleak world. You were gone, and it was all his fault. He killed you. He killed someone he grew to love…

It was all too much for Tokoyami to bear as he stumbled and fell to his bed, eyes shut as he did his best to hold his tears back, even though he could still hear Dark Shadow weeping inside him. His quirk was crying…

And it was because of him, and because he felt terrible for hurting someone he grew to really love too. He wanted to be mad at Dark Shadow, he really did, and he was, so he couldn’t just comfort him. Not when he was just upset, but he couldn’t bear to listen to him cry when he was on the verge of a breakdown himself.

The raven clenched his fists as the crying grew louder, hands flying to his ears in a vain attempt to block it out. It wasn’t working…

So he lied down on his, head on his pillow as he quickly grabbed his headphones to place over his ears, Dark Shadow’s cries already somewhat muffled and yet Tokoyami could still hear him. As fast as he could he hooked it to his phone to listen to his music on full blast to drown out his shadow.

Three Days Grace.

He put the volume up high so all he could hear was Adam Gontier screaming ‘PAIN!’ in his ears loud enough for him to finally no longer hear Dark Shadow’s crying. As Tokoyami listened to the music on full-blast he didn’t hear anything anymore, not even his own sobs as he quietly broke down on his bed. Unable to stop the warm tears streaming down his feather cheeks and unable to hear himself and Dark Shadow cry.

Tokoyami didn’t even read the time on his phone, and didn’t even care that the lights were still on. He kept them on, he wasn’t going to give his shadow anything after what he’s done, and he wasn’t going to let himself have anything else after everything he had done too.

Not after what he did to you. Yet still your vision, your smile, your laughter haunted him in his dreams as he quietly cried himself to a fitful sleep.

The room might have been bright, but his heart had no light in it right now.

8 HOURS LATER…

You had no idea how long it had been since you asked for directions from that strange man a while back. All you knew is that you needed so badly to get out of here as you kept going, even though everywhere you went there was just trees…

Trees that looked… so familiar, and yet so eerie as you walked with your arms around yourself as your blood started to dry but some was still dripping down your skin.

“I gotta go home…”

A man with blades for teeth dressed in black had cackled…

“I gotta go home…”

A six-armed figure swooped in to catch you when you saw yourself fall…

“I gotta go home…”

A boy trapped in this storm of darkness cried out as he tried so hard to escape from it…

“I gotta go home now…”

The memories were so distant that they weren’t coming to you, you just repeated the mantra over and over again because it was all that made sense to you as you lost your sense of time and didn’t even notice that dawn had arrived and the fact that you were still the sea of forests and not out of the woods yet.

Your feet, your legs, your back, your stomach, your shoulder. How they ached with every step you took, and your stomach, was it still bleeding? It didn’t feel right, no it didn’t feel right at all as you gasped when you started to finally notice…

When did you get stabbed? When did those wounds appear? Where did you get them?

“No, no, no…”

You didn’t want to acknowledge how much pain you were in; you didn’t want to think about it and you didn’t want to see anything that was creeping into your mind as you brought your hands to your head and shook it.

And you gasped when you finally saw what looked like the end of this sea-like forest and quickly sped up with a desperate whine. As you looked at the trees and the arriving dawn lighting up the darkness, an image flashed into your brain, a memory of you flying in the air and you saw sharp blades piercing through the wind and a pair of big, bright, furious red eyes glaring right at you and roaring at you.

It was a monster…

Terrified, you tried desperately to fly away, but the dark, shadowy claw slashed at your back and clawed at your stomach as you let out a scream…

It hurt so much you could see the blood droplets flying into the air as your scarred back hit the back of a tree trunk as your body plummeted to the earthy ground.

Eyes widening in slight horror when such a horrific vision flashed before your eyes that you couldn’t even believe it. What was that monster? The trees, it was still in here wasn’t it? Oh my God it was a monster, it was a monster and this feeling of dread overwhelmed you so much that you couldn’t even think.

You were bleeding, the monster got you… it was in the shadows. The shadows were full of monsters and they were coming to get you, you knew it…

“AHHHHHHHH!!”

You let out a shriek as the shadows in the forest became too much for you to bear and you just ran despite your body and stinging wounds aching in protests. Adrenaline enabled you to ignore it all as you kept running, and your reddened (E/C) eyes widened when you saw more daylight leading you out of this hell. A loud gasp left you as you let out a deep exhale when you were finally out of the trees and could see a road…

There it was, the road! You nearly cried in between your screams as you ran up the steep hill and nearly tripped on your tired feet as soon as you felt the concrete. Eyes wide and looking around frantically for any place that would take you back home. This road would take you home… it had to.

So you kept walking, praying for anything, a car, someone, a hero to see you and just take you home.

Your prayers were answered when you saw a car and you didn’t hesitate to wave your hands around and screamed, “HELP ME! PLEASE!! PLEASE HELP ME!!”

The car was still driving until you moved a little closer and it forced the driver to stop as you hurriedly ran over to the side of it, “Let me in! Please! Please let me in I’m begging you!!” You cried and pleaded with the person to open their car to you and to your relief they opened the door as you quickly sat in the passenger’s seat.

“G-Go please… p-please drive away, please take me away from here…” You shakily said now that you were in a vehicle with a man who looked to be a young adult, 20 years old at best. And he was looking at you like you were crazy as he took off driving nonetheless.

Finally… finally you were going to escape from this nightmare and go back home… the monster couldn’t get you.

“T-Thank you… you saved my life…” You meekly muttered to the driver, who barely even looked at you. “Well you didn’t really give me a choice, you just jumped out and got in the car.” He replied in a somewhat expressionless tone that didn’t imply any sort of kindness.

“I-I’m so sorry… I-I just… h-had to get away… I had to get away… H-He was… he was going to… H-He did…” The monster was male, you remembered that much. A man, there was a man with blades for teeth and the shadowy monster… he was a male too you swore he was.

“Oh yeah? Let me guess, it was your boyfriend? What did you do to him?”

Was this person serious? Why was he asking you this when you were the one bleeding and in pain here?

“I-I didn’t do anything…! H-He did this to me…! And this person was NOT my boyfriend…” You didn’t have a boyfriend, and whoever or whatever it was that did this to you was definitely NOT your boyfriend.

Still the man smirked and laughed at you, “That’s what they always say… I bet he treated you real nice and then you overreacted over something small, and made yourself the victim. Just cuz you’re all bloody don’t mean you’re the victim here. For all I know you hurt him just as badly, if not worse...”

You looked at him with an appalled look as your body continued to tremble from the immense discomfort that this man was putting you through, why was he blaming you? How was this your fault?

“I-I don’t… I-I did not… I-I’m not… c-can… can you p-please just… t-take me to the nearest town s-so I can-“

“Ha! Now you’re telling me what to do? I play the fucking hero for you and you’re trying to tell me what to do? God… Typical women… well not this time sweetheart, I’m not listening to a little bitch like you.” He said snidely with a weak smirk. Whoever this was, he had a serious hang-up on women and now he was taking whatever issues he had out on you.

You weren’t going to put up with this, “Please… s-stop the car… I-I can get out and you won’t have to-”

“Of course… all you women are such fucking cowardly bitches, weak and emotional... all of you just decide to run away when things get ‘uncomfortable’ and blame the men for that even though it’s your own fault. You wanted to try and do something and yet no, it’s not your fault, it’s the guy’s.” He still blamed you, he still felt like whatever happened to you was your fault and not the person who did this to you. It was so uncomfortable that you could feel the tears coming to your eyes, you didn’t want to be here… you’d rather be back on the road…

“Gonna cry now hon? Wow… you bitches really are all the same… you think crying is going to make me feel sorry for you?! I’m not falling for it! Go on! You can cry all you want and even jump out of my car if you want! Leave me like all my other girlfriends did!”

Was that it…? Oh my God… he was one of those guys… it was coming back to you slowly, this guy, he was one of those guys you had heard about on the internet…

“W-Why are you telling me all of this…? I-I didn’t do anything to you…”

“Yeah no that’s what you think. That’s what all you bitches do, I was nice to you. I did something nice for you, I did something nice for her, and now suddenly I’m the bad guy because I made you ‘uncomfortable’ and now she’s gone and now I’M the one getting arrested for ‘sexual harassment’. HA! Classic chick move… I deserve a little bit of that don’t I?! I was nice! I was chivalrous! I opened the door for you! And you go and treat me like this?! You think it’s okay to be nice to another guy and go out with him instead?!”

His screaming tirade terrified you and all you wanted to do was get out, until he grabbed your wrist, “Oh no no darling… I’m getting what I deserve, I was nice to you, so that means YOU do this for me!” He shouted as he let you go and then brought out a gun…

He had a gun…

“I’ll take you to the next town all right, so I can get what I deserve!” His glower turned into a dark, lustful smirk as you gasped in horror and you reached out to open the door. You would risk a serious injury just to get away from this vile man, you had to…

“You’re not leaving me too!” But he grabbed your wrist yet again, still holding the gun as his car began to swerve. “NO!!” You screamed when the car was now out of control, and when you saw him wave the gun right at you.

“I’m taking you with me…”

“NO!!” You didn’t even think, you threw your hand out to make him stop, and sent an involuntary beam of light right in his face as he screamed when the overwhelming brightness stung his eyes and he squeezed his eyes shut.

“AH!! ARRRGH!! You fucking bitch I’m gonna fucking kill you!!” The man shouted hatefully as he tried to grab the wheel to stop it, but didn’t drop the gun as he tried to shoot you but only succeeded in shooting at the glass.

“AHHHHHHHHH!!” Making you scream out loud in horror when the bullet nearly hit you, and the man’s eyes were still closed due to your blinding light.

How did you do that…?

You thought in horror as your eyes went wide when you recognized this power, your power…

In a split second everything suddenly flashed through your eyes. The man with the blades for teeth, Shouji, Tokoyami… Dark Shadow…

You were flying away from him, you were trying to save Tokoyami, but Dark Shadow attacked you… and you fell… you fell down and hit a tree and woke up to forget everything that happened in that moment…

“Tokoyami…”

You found yourself saying his name which just pissed off the man when he cracked open an eye, “Already thinking about your boyfriend that you left?! OH NO GIRLY! I’ll kill you!! I’ll kill your stupid boyfriend if you can’t fucking choose! It’s either him… or me!” He screamed as you finally had enough sense to realize how unstable this person was.

“No!” You shouted and used your light against him to blind him once more and you swiped the gun out of his hands as he lost control of the wheel and you couldn’t stop yourself from screaming when you heard the car screeching and swerving into another row of trees…

CRASH!!

TO BE CONTINUED...

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soncfseed · 4 years

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REPOSTED FROM MY OLD BLOG: Probably my most important headcanon, so please take the time to read this!!

spoilers ahead, but im gonna look at ethans cutscenes and talk about how his bpd (borderline personality disorder) affects his actions and his perceptions throughout the story of new dawn. this is all just headcanon and my interpretation of ethan and how bpd would affect him. none of this is meant to excuse his more nefarious actions, but explain why my interpretation of ethan doesnt pin him as a selfish, horrible, awful monster, but rather a young man with a lot of unresolved trauma and a serious mental health condition who ended up making some terrible choices that resulted in a lot of pain for a lot of people.

0:05 - ethan’s introduction

in this scene ethan experiences some pretty quick and dramatic mood shifts, and has a pretty significant emotional outburst. these are characteristic of the mood swings and emotional dis-regulation experienced by many people with bpd. he starts off catching the captain off guard, sneaking up behind them. ethan has been taught to distrust outsiders, and a symptom of bpd he experiences is suspicion of others and sometimes brief bouts of paranoia. this kind of behaviour makes sense when this is taken into context.

he says that he might not be what the captain expects. this is part of his low self esteem and struggles with his self image and how others perceive him. he constantly feels as though he can never truly be his own person, outside of joseph seed, and that his existence is a disappointment to those who know him.

once he sees the book, he is triggered into a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. acknowledging that the deputy is the one who found the book, and according to joseph’s prophecy will be the true ruler of new eden, is what sets him off. once ethan goes into his rant about it should’ve been him, he’s experiencing a mood swing and sudden spike in his anger and irritability. due to his issues w emotional regulation and control over his expressions of emotion, ethan lashes out by screaming and knocking over the podium in the church. mood swings for bpd sufferers can be only minutes long. what pulls ethan back down to earth a bit is a sudden rush when he realizes he can work with the captain to enlighten new eden to the truth: that joseph is a man, not a messiah, and kind of a shitty one at that who abandoned them all.

3:50 - ethan’s first speech in new eden

ethan’s posturing here is just that; posturing. he’s putting on a bit of a show with the “non believer” bit. he does, however, not entirely trust outsiders nor would he trust that the people of new eden wouldn’t turn on him if he suggested that the captain go north. no, instead he plays off of what he expects the people will do to avoid potential rejection or rebellion. this plays off of his mistrust and suspicion of others, as well as serves to protect his secret interests (getting proof that joseph is dead to get new eden to move on from him) and his ego (tied to the bpd symptom of self image issues and unstable self realization).

ethan can’t help but be a bit sarcastic with “we are all his children”. sarcasm and unwarranted aloofness can tie into bpd, and here it definitely does due to his poor relationship with his father, and with the rumours surrounding his paternity in new eden.

while bpd does not inherently make people manipulative, manipulation of others is often something those with bpd adopt as a coping mechanism to manage their unstable relationships or unstable self image. ethan has adopted this trait in some ways and this is definitely one of them. he does not trust the people of new eden, and knows they wont listen to him fully. this is his main motivator for keeping his plan secret.

the fact that ethan feels he has to act a certain way when he’s the leader of new eden further contributes to his unstable self realization. he puts on different fronts to different people to try and both please them and protect himself.

when he says “they will at last understand that i am their prophet…”, this is in part because he feels he’s worked hard to be the inheritor of new eden. he’s not only joseph’s son (and even if he doesn’t like joseph he wants to be recognized as his biological son, making the rumours about his paternity even more hurtful) but he’s been a successful leader as far as we can tell. to think he will lose it all over a book is damn near panic inducing for ethan. well this is in part a kind of arrogance, it’s fueled by his extreme emotions/mood swings as well as how closely he ties his identity to his position within his community. because his self image is so unstable, threats to that cause him to act in ways that may seem irrational or extreme in order to try and protect his self image. also, ethan will only help the captain in exchange for something in part bc of his suspicion of others. he doesn’t want to offer new eden’s archers and resources without knowing that he will benefit in return. after all, if something goes wrong in new eden bc of this outsider and he allowed it, it’s his responsibility to take the blame and fix it.

5:20 - into the bliss

theres not much in this scene to tie to his bpd. one line i think is important though: “bring me proof of my fathers death and i will make sure you are remembered as a friend of the prophet”. well this can be interpreted as ethan saying to kill joseph, i dont think he is. ethan believes joseph is long gone, that he could never survive all alone for this long. ethan isn’t evil, he’s not asking someone to commit murder, he’s asking them to confirm that someone is already dead. sure, he’s self serving and he wants something in return for his allyship, but to him this is how he can ensure a fair trade, and that an outsider won’t take advantage of him or new eden as easily.

14:18 - ethan, interrupted

ethan’s big speech where joseph fuckin crashes it. at first, he literally does not even see joseph in the crowd. he truly believes he’s dead and that the captain will bring back proof of this. to him, adherence to his rule makes sense; he’s the leader, and things need to change. it is arrogant, because ethan has partially internalized a sense of superiority and entitlement because of his position as joseph’s son, and now heir to the rulership of new eden (he thinks). this combined with an unstable self esteem and self image makes him want total compliance to his rule. criticism, disobedience, they threaten his self worth and that can send him into an emotional spiral or severe mood swing. so, to try and avoid the negative consequences he experiences from perceived slights and rejections, he wants a clean slate and total adherence to his new rules.

when he actually sees joseph, he stops, stammers, and says “father?”. not the father. just father. in this moment, his father who abandoned him (who went out for smokes and never came back) has suddenly shown up in the middle of his speech about him being dead. his arm drops and he stands there, stunned and speechless. his first question is “where have you been?”. he wants to know why and he asks why. why did his father abandon them? abandon him? the answer is completely meaningless to him. it’s basic, it has no detail, and isn’t sufficient. he’s speechless again for a bit, breathing heavier and hyperventilating. he steps away from joseph. when joseph calls the captain god’s sword, ethan damn near does a double take. he’s literally standing in his father’s shadow while he exalts an outsider in front of his own son, after interrupting his speech and embarrassing him in front of everyone.

one of ethan’s symptoms is his overvaluing and undervaluing people in his life. this is when he switches from overvaluing the captain, putting too much faith and hope into them, to undervaluing and practically hating them. his relationship with his father is tenuous, and rocky. it is characterized by ethan’s intense desire to be josephs successor and publicly recognized as his son. ethan even calls out to joseph, upset about the fact that hes now suddenly and publicly being dethroned; joseph doesnt even look back at him. ethan rejects josephs words in anger. he has a sudden outburst in front of the crowd; yet another sudden spike in his emotions from a stressful situation causes him to say what he’s really thinking. “you abandoned me. you abandoned us.” ethan says joseph didn’t leave instructions or a message, just left ethan to lead with no idea how. he does the best job he can under these extreme circumstances, and now all of his hard work is for nothing. that would make even the most level headed neurotypical person upset. whenn ethan starts to lose the support of new eden, he breaks down a bit. the anchor of his self image has been completely ripped away from him in a moment. he storms off partially and his body language is pretty dire; head down, shoulders moving sharply like he’s breathing harshly, and then he turns to watch the crowd walk away from him. imo, part of why ethan doesn’t completely lose it in this scene is that he might be partially dissociating or beginning to dissociate or experience some de-realization from the sudden, acute emotional distress this moment causes for him.

17:45 - ethan’s response

this is when ethan says that the captain betrayed him. they had a deal. he completely put his trust into the captain, idealizing them as the person who could solve his problems, only for them to bring joseph back and make everything in ethans life worse. now, the pendulum swings to the other side where ethan begins to loathe the captain. saying that the captain should have killed joseph themselves is an expression of 1) the intense reactions people with bpd can have to certain situations and 2) his skewed logic because of it. what seems totally irrational to someone else might seem like the only logical solution to a problem for someone with bpd. the stress of such a painful, emotionally charged situation like this one. he never wants to see the captain again; on a dime he flips, from putting all of his trust and hope into one person to saying he never wants to see them again and that they betrayed him. this quick switch of very intense perceptions of others is a cycle of idealization and undervaluing that people with bpd may experience.

18:07 - ethan’s prayer letter

in this letter, ethan discusses how he feels he hates his father for the abandonment; how joseph “expected everything and gave nothing”, how ethan never got to really have joseph as a father for himself because he was too busy being THE father. he says wrath and envy grip him tight to the point he feels he can’t breathe. this is definitely indicative of ethans mood swings and intense emotions, especially the irrational anger and aggression many people with bpd can have. then, he says nobody but himself, his mother, and god can know about how he feels, and that he must put on a front for new eden and be a leader to them “no matter what”. this is absolutely something i can see being tied to his bpd. he is aware that expressing his thoughts, feelings, and reactions to others would probably get a negative reaction. he seeks to avoid that, as well as to avoid the judgment from others he thinks he would get. his unstable self image is complicated by the fact that he feels obligated to hide the symptoms of his illness, and pretend to be someone he isn’t. this only makes it worse, as he ties his social and therefore individual identity to “ruler of new eden”. he relies very much on the responses and reactions of others to gauge whether or not he seems “normal” or capable of doing his job.

18:27 - npc dialogue

ethan says that josephs followers see the prophecy coming to light, but ethan sees it as a chance for new eden to make its own path. this is also when ethan says that he is josephs biological son, and that his mother raised him outside of hope county and brought him there when he was young to be raised by joseph. she died from an illness on their journey. this is some pretty significant baggage for ethan. he wants new eden, and himself, to become independent. the only reason he stays in new eden is because of his mother. he loves her, and idealizes her in a way that never flips to undervaluing because the relationship is one sided since her passing.

19:23 - megan’s letter to joseph

this is important just bc it states megan raised ethan as a non believer but after the collapse taught him about joseph’s word. this is important for ethan because it means he had to relearn some pretty significant things after the apocalypse, including a whole new religion and worldview. this can be very confusing for a child, and in part explains why ethan isn’t totally on board with josephs word, or the all of new eden’s beliefs surrounding him; his earliest formative years had nothing to do with joseph seed or prophets or collapses. he had to convert, and did so as a child who couldn’t really understand or make that choice for himself. he is tied to new eden solely because of megan, and without her wish to have him be josephs heir, he would’ve left long ago.

20:08 - intermission/flashback

this is when we see a young babby ethan get nasty with joseph. this is an early sign of his bpd developing. he has an intense reaction and says something very hurtful to his father over not getting what he wants, which isn’t just the apple but his father’s approval. to him, this is another rejection by joseph, or it is perceived that way by a young ethan. constantly being told something wasn’t gods plan, or it isn’t part of a prophecy without further explanation was confusing and frustrating for ethan growing up. he wanted the apple to be like his father; he wanted the apple to feel integrated into his community like the others who were given the gift. this denial, one that is permanent and leaves no room for ethan to change or grow and become capable of handling its strength leaves him feeling defeated and angry. his reaction of “you are an old man, and when you die i will take one” shows a very quick emotional shift and a shift from idolizing his father and wanting to be like him to practically hating him, becoming cold and distant in mere moments.

21:16 - joseph’s worry

“ethan’s sin is pride. there is something deep inside him that no word of mine can touch. i worry that now as an outsider appears to take his place that beast will feed on resentment and grow stronger. ” YEAH ITS BPD YA DINGUS fdpgpfd but more seriously, ethans pride is a coping mechanism to deal with his ever changing self image and self worth. its a rigid barrier to keep others from knowing how weak he really feels, and how uncertain he is of himself.

23:25 - ethan’s betrayal

this is where ethan betrays new eden and sets them up so the highwaymen can destroy the settlement. he tolerates the highwaymen laughing at him only so he can get what he wants: revenge. this extreme response is from his bpd. his impulsive anger, and the extremes his mind goes to won out and he acted on his violent thoughts.

26:26 - ethan and the fruit

when joseph asks ethan what hes done (referring to betraying new eden), ethan says: “i did what i had to do. i freed myself, i freed us all from you, from your rules.”. to ethan this was logical. this was something he had to do. he didn’t take pleasure in it, he didn’t go into new eden and kill everyone himself. no, he handed them over to the highwaymen in a desperate, out of touch moment. the spark was there and his disorder was gasoline that helped the flames to spread. he reacted intensely, out of irrationally extreme anger, towards an entire group of people he had shifted to undervaluing. he felt betrayed so he returned in kind, but no matter how wrong that was ethan couldnt see it.

“i will have what you denied me. you gave it to an outsider but you wouldn’t give it to me. i am your flesh and blood” and explosively tells joseph he doesnt know gods will. he lashes out against his father, arguing with him and rebelling directly by taking the one thing joseph kept him from that he truly wanted. to ethan, in my hc, the apple is more than just power and more than just something he covets. its a symbol of joseph’s fatherhood, of his love; he gave it to everyone but ethan, his own son, and now he would take what he wanted from life with or without josephs input.

31:08 - the death of ethan seed

the first thing ethan says after he sees joseph is “father… i’m sorry”. he’s scared. he knows he’s going to die. he asks if joseph can forgive him. he knows he’s fucked up, obviously, not just by eating the apple but by betraying new eden. his last word is “father”. no matter how torn his relationship was with joseph, he wanted his father’s love. he wanted connection with his father. he wanted to feel validated, have his identity confirmed, even in his last moments.

#hc #repost from old blog

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iprincezzinuyoukai · 6 years

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U.A. Students Days Headcanons

Part 2/5 | Part 1

A lot of headcanons...

Shouta has difficulties during the physical admission exam, so he's put in the General Studies. Hizashi had no complications and was one of the first five.

Shouta isn't very social. He came here to be a hero not to have friends, goddammit! Hizashi's first friend is Tensei. Tensei was a little nervous and thought that Hizashi was only his friend because of his family, Hizashi didn't know that he was related to the famous Iida family until he saw his quirk for the first time. Weeks later Sekijirou joins when Hizashi recognizes him at the vet buying food for his St Bernard.

Maybe Shouta isn't good with physical attacks, but he discovers that he's good at parkour when he follows his black kitty all over the city, although that doesn't stop him from asking his sister to teach him some defensive movements, just in case.

When the sports festival starts, Shouta's determined to win the first place; Hizashi just wants to have fun, Tensei wants to make his family feel proud, and Sekijirou just wants to make sure that his friends don't damage what little brain they have left.

In the final matches, Shouta has to fight against Hizashi. He was on the verge of losing since he was confident that Hizashi didn't know how to fight properly, since all he had done with his previous opponents was screaming until their ears bled. That's because Hizashi recognized Shouta as a cool and hard opponent. Anyway, Hizashi ended up losing and Shouta went on to the next round against Tensei, in which he won the sports festival. Hizashi tried to talk to him when the festival ended but he didn't see him anywhere.

Shouta was transferred in the middle of the first semester, and he almost killed Hizashi as the latter didn't stop bothering him to be his friend. Even so Hizashi didn't give up (this boy had a death wish, they whispered) and he challenged Shouta in the Arcade in the claw machine. If he managed to draw a prize, Shouta would accept to be his friend. Shouta accepted knowing that those games were impossible (because he'd already tried and lost). For a conflict of emotions, Hizashi managed to get a stuffed cat (after almost running out of yen).

The surprise of the whole classroom was the next day and to see that Shouta had a lively conversation with Hizashi.

Hizashi teaches him sign language and also some words in other languages. He doesn't know if it's good or bad, but Shouta only remembers the swearwords, and often says it, like very often, especially towards teachers and some classmates. Shouta decides to teach him parkour, which can serve him someday since to trust on the quirks isn't good, according to him.

Having obtained their hero names, whoever dared to make fun of his hero name or Hizashi's, Shouta would break their nose.

The first time they wore their hero costumes, Eraser and Mic ended up entangled with the scarf and hundreds of nicknames.

Shouta was so used to people getting mad when he erased their quirk that when he did the same with Hizashi (when he started to get too loud) Hizashi started telling him how fantastic Shouta's quirk was.

Hizashi's eyes always seemed interesting to Shouta, especially because they look like rings. Hizashi gets excited every time Shouta's eyes change to red when he uses his quirk and sometimes he has an eye drops in case Shouta will forget his.

Hizashi and Shouta have the same route from home to school and walk together in the evenings, and often they meet in the mornings.

Shouta loves having naps, and Hizashi enjoys joining him. However, it's so peaceful to be sleeping on the roof of the U.A. that often they forget to set an alarm.

Nemuri ends up becoming part of the group after the 1st year fight against the 2nd year in their exam. Besides, her quirk is useful to Shouta when he has insomnia and is the first to suspect that Shouta has a crush on Hizashi when she flirts with the blonde to irk him, but to be frank, she just know how to charm people.

Hizashi has several playlists for different occasions, and even creates a playlist with names of his friends with songs that remind him of each of them.

As optimistic as Hizashi is, and although he rarely seems upset or frustrated – Shouta knows when Hizashi fakes his smiles. The same for Hizashi, who notices when Shouta is more grumpy than usual.

Both realize their crush on the other during their vacation, despite sending messages every day, their minds rambling to think about each other.

Tensei almost went bald for all the mutual pining he witnessed. He even gave several hints to both, he even made several excuses not to go to the Arcade for a whole week – That and that Tenya had just born and he didn't want to leave helpless his beautiful mother. Sekijirou and Nemuri made bets about who would confess first. Tensei scolded them, though inside he was divided into who would confess first and why.

Once Sekijirou bought a motorcycle... Hizashi and Shouta ended up destroying it.

On the other's birthday, Shouta has no idea what album to give to Hizashi (since he loves all kinds of music), so instead he gives him a polaroid camera. While Hizashi gives him a sleeping bag, so Shouta will have a more comfortable place to rest. Hizashi has many photos of Shouta sleeping because only then his face doesn't have that expression of 'I'm going to kill you'.

Shouta invited only Hizashi to his sister's wedding. And for the honeymoon Shouta went to live with Hizashi's family. “No.” “But you're going to be alone for a whole week!” “I don't care.” “My mom have a veterinary – and she's gotten kittens!” “... Okay, I'm going.” The moment that Hizashi sees Shouta smile (and I'm not talking about those smiles he does today) his heart skipped a beat.

Hizashi had several dates, but none lasted more than a week. Shouta was also confessed several times, all of them being rejected instantly, though he did agree to go out with a general studies classmate.

During the holidays and when his sister couldn't be at home, Hizashi invited Shouta to his house. Hizashi's mothers treat him like another son and were used to finding him sleeping everywhere.

During their second year they both confessed at the same time. Tensei fainted because he'll finally be able to sleep peacefully and won't have to keep thinking about more matchmaker strategies. Nemuri doesn't accept having lost so she proposes another bet with Sekijirou about their future wedding.

Because their friends are too meddling, Hizashi and Shouta can't act at all romantically, although secret messages are sent during classes and Hizashi likes to flirt with him using sign language.

During the hero licensing test, Shouta meets Emi (Ms. Joke), who studied at Ketsubutsu – He has no idea why, but Emi names him her best friend – And to Shino, Yawara, Ryuuko, and Tomoko (Wild Wild Pussycats), who were Class B of the same year.

A few months later his sister announces that she's pregnant. Tensei gives Shouta advice on how he should deal with a newborn baby - even lending him a book, as well as looking for the opportunity to show off what a good brother he is and how beautiful Baby Tenya is.

Hitoshi is Shouta's nephew. (Yes! Insert freedie mercury pose)

Hizashi takes several photos of Shouta carrying Hitoshi. Shouta decides not to comment on anything more than his nephew seems to have inherited more from the mother's side.

Before Nemuri graduated, Hizashi and she organized an outdoor camping trip with all their friends. Nemuri's intention was to have a party where there were no police or neighbors complaining, but they all ended up around a campfire making fun of everyone in general and planning what they would do as soon as they stopped being students.

“You cannot sit with the cool kids.” “Don't listen to her, take a seat next to me.” “Do you realize that we are nine persons in a six-person table?” “I got this.” Cue to Sekijirou putting Hizashi on Shouta's lap.

The first time they tried to kiss... They couldn't because it felt very clumsy and awkward, especially when they noticed their friends watching them.

“That's why love hotel exists!” “Dang it! leave them alone!” “My children have grown so much~” Then someone starts to hum the wedding march and the next thing is to Hizashi hyperventilating and Shouta wanting to die right there and at the same time thinking about how to kill their friends and hide the evidence.

#Boku No Hero Academia #Aizawa Shouta #Yamada Hizashi #EraserMic #MAizawa #When I think about their student days I can only see all the mutual pining...#Aizawa wasn't a social guy but boi he got a lot of friends #tensei's soul ascended when they confessed xD #he's always the third wheel xD #Headcanon #Iris Stuff

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voyeur-in-the-mirror · 6 years

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Alive for Me

Ship(s): Adam/Lawrence Character(s): Adam Stanheight ; Lawrence Gordon Words: 1,922 Warning(s): Mentions of alcohol ; Mentions of panic/anxiety attacks ; Ask to tag A/N: I’ve been writing this one all day I’m kind of proud of it enjoy

Lawrence was the only thing Adam was alive for.

He'd never openly admit that, though. His pride was too great for him to say that, because it would only let him say that he stood for himself, by himself. For the last twenty-some odd years he has been completely independent, doing what needed to be done to live and doing it pretty damn well, but for the last month and almost a half, he has lost nearly all of his independence because, from what not Lawrence but Dr. Gordon observed, Adam cannot live by himself in that shithole apartment. So, he took it upon himself to come on nights when he's able to easily lie to Allison and say he's going to the hospital just so he can spend the night with Adam and be there in person in case of a nightmare or anxiety attack instead of having to talk him through one through the phone which happened quite frequently.

But despite the reason his fridge is filled with food, his apartment’s warm, and he's not as alone as he used to be, Adam still refuses to call himself dependent because a man like him should be able to take care of himself.

Except he can barely leave his apartment without sparking dreadful anxiety in his system. And he can barely acknowledge the existence of his camera, and he can barely look in that old closet where he found pig head, and he can barely do anything without sparking anxiety so bad he ends up shaking where he stands and hoping Lawrence will pick up the phone.

Lawrence has made it a habit to do that very often, even while at work. Due to the severe mental and physical trauma he had faced, he had been reduced down to just paperwork duty until the hospital deemed that he was stable enough to get his original job back. And honestly, he was fine with this arrangement because it allowed him to be there for Adam when he was needed and for him to call Adam when he needs him.

Unlike Adam, Lawrence was somebody people were always dependent on. He always had Allison and Diana to need him. And now that they were in the middle of a divorce of a relationship he had left because ‘I'm no longer mentally stable for a relationship’ (which was true), he could spend time with Adam who, due to his mental condition, seemed like he needed Lawrence more. So Lawrence could continue feeling needed and Adam could continue living without having to go back to his voyeuristic ways.

When the divorce began going underway, that was when Lawrence decided to (ask Adam if it was okay to) move in. That was about a month after leaving the bathroom, and at first, much to Lawrence's surprise, Adam opposed the idea.

“I was able to live here for years alone before that damn bathroom, I'll be good, man.”

“I'm not a damn baby, I'm fuckin’ fine.”

“Dammit, Lawrence, no!”

But he moved in anyways. Lawrence knew that with every excuse and answer he was given, that his Adam was cracking, tearing at the seams, and knew that if he let Lawrence know that then his humility was showing and he just couldn't let that happen. Lawrence observed that in Adam and was easy to not to push him to talk or, generally, feel. He let Adam think he was fine on his own while secretly supporting him.

The first anxiety attack, courtesy of Adam, was only an hour after coming home from the week-long wait for police in what was supposed to be his tomb. He wasn't awake when he was found by police, having passed out from starvation and blood-loss, but when he woke up in the hospital the next day, he was all but screaming for ‘Dr. Gordon- where the fuck is Lawrence?!”

He had never experienced anxiety attacks nor panic attacks before. Sure, hes felt panic and anxiousness, but he'd never had an attack before. Finally back in his apartment, Adam was back to being alone and having nothing. He thought he'd be able to move on so easily from what had happened, and maybe even forget about Lawrence despite his screaming for him in the hospital and the screaming for him in the back of his head. He was proven wrong, though, an hour later when he decided to step into his own bathroom and realized, ‘Oh! I just came out of one of these! These rooms aren't safe!’ and was suddenly hyperventilating on the floor.

He didn't remember to call Lawrence, not like it was a rule or anything. But Lawrence did call him, just wanting to check on him, and the fact that Lawrence had his number didn't even cross his mind. Hearing the doctor’s voice brought so much relief to him it made him cry. Hearing that he was safe and that he, himself, was safe slowly but surely brought him out of his panicked state and allowed him to take a well deserved piss.

He avoided the bathroom as much as he could.

Lawrence did, too. When he was first able to come home after getting his leg and mental health checked, his first motive was to keep himself calm so he knew staying away from the bathroom would keep him that way. It took a lot of aggravated and fake-smiles from Allison’s part to just get her husband into the damn bathroom, but eventually it worked before the day was over.

The first time Lawrence saw Adam in person after the incident, it was at Adam’s apartment. It was when he first started coming over before he had to start lying to Allison about where he was going. She didn't want him seeing Adam often because ‘he'll remind you of what happened, it's unhealthy’, and Lawrence shot back with a ‘he's the only one who knows what I went through’ and the conversation ended there.

They tried staying friendly, he and Adam. Lawrence would come over, give him a free therapy session because even though he wasn't that kind of doctor, he was the only person Adam could trust and for some reason, he felt like he needed that trust or he'd be crushed, and he'd just be there for the younger on the rougher days, which was nearly every day since.

Their first kiss was only a week after Lawrence started coming around. He came over right after work, right after Adam called him telling him something along the lines of ‘Don't come over to my fuckin’ place again’ through panting breaths. He was mindful to not just walk into the apartment, knocking before he did, and was heartbroken to hear broken sobs coming from down a hall. He hurried along, his thoughts convincing him that Adam was somehow hurt further, and it nearly brought him to tears when he saw the younger laying curled up in his bed, shaking and trying to breathe. Lawrence was by his bedside immediately, cupping one of his cheeks and talking to him gently.

“Breathe with me, okay?”

“I'm here. I'm here and I'm never going to leave, I promise.”

“You're here and you're alive, you made it out and I'm so proud of you.”

During his comforting, Lawrence had gotten into the bed, laying down behind him and holding him close. His arm was first around his chest, then it has snaked down to around his waist which is where it made Adam really melt against him. Though he had calmed down, his tears couldn't seem to stop flowing. He felt disgusting and hated himself for needing someone to comfort him like he was a ‘fucking child’, but Lawrence had him lay down on his back to face him, and gently he tilted his chin up to look at him.

“I don't know why you won't let yourself trust me.”

This stung Adam because it was true. He's been let down, hurt, and left by anyone he's ever cared about and he didn't want to care about Lawrence for that reason, he didn't want to trust him, but no matter what he told himself, he trusted Lawrence more than anything.

Of course he did. He had to trust that he'd get him of the bathroom and he did.

Goosebumps flowed down Adam’s body and his stomach tied itself in knots. He knew he wasn't ready for this, Lawrence knew, and they both knew Lawrence wasn't either but they wanted it so bad, to be held and loved and comforted by the one person they could trust. So, slowly, Lawrence connected their lips and kissed Adam gently, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away Adam’s stray tears and make him feel safer than he had ever felt before.

After that kiss- that gentle, soft, loving touch- they were nearly inseparable.

Then there were nights of fighting. Sometimes it was frequent, and sometimes they wouldn’t fight for months. It depended on whether or not Adam was going to lock his emotions away, pretend he was fine, and tell Lawrence to fuck off. Lawrence knew this to be a defense mechanism, something he’d expect in Adam, but it was undeniable that when Adam would briefly act like he couldn’t trust him that it hurt. So, when he started seeming off-put and upset because of Adam, is made Adam get offensive.

“So what? Am I not allowed to be upset, now? I was left in the dark, alone!”

“And I came back for you just like I promised! Because I wouldn’t lie to you! Remember that?!”

These nights, or even weeks, resulted in Adam leaving the apartment for god-knows-how-long to get shit-faced. It’s not doubted that Adam assumes that they had broken up, so Lawrence doesn’t doubt that Adam is also sleeping with a random hooker to take his anger out on, but even that thought stings Lawrence, especially since he doesn’t have the proof. Just assumptions and self doubt that he’s much more easily able to hide.

It’s easy to hide because he can’t have Adam worry about him. That would mess up their dynamic and he can’t have that.

But when Adam comes back, barely knocking on the door, Lawrence doesn’t care about all that. He just cares that Adam is back home, alive, and to him again. When he opens the door and is able to pull his lover into his arms, burying his face in the crook of his neck, and apologize softly to him, his anxiety washes away and is replaced with blankets of relief.

When Adam comes home, it’s when Adam is truly able to sleep without triggering panic attacks from fear of waking up in ice-cold water and with a chain around his ankle. Because instead of waking up on separate ends of the room, Adam can wake up in Lawrence’s arms, cry to himself softly, tell himself that he’s fine, that Lawrence won’t let him get hurt again, and find peace knowing that there’s actually somebody who doesn’t want him dead and wants him very much alive. Because no matter how strong Lawrence acts for him, he’s fully aware that if he left, Lawrence would crumble because he needs him as much as he needs Lawrence, and he’s okay with that, and so is Lawrence.

Adam was the only Lawrence was alive for.

And unlike Adam, because Lawrence can set aside his pride, he’d admit that.

And it makes Adam feel better every day.

#Adam Stanheight #Lawrence Gordon #Saw I

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stories-for-all · 6 years

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Constellations: Chapter Two

A/N: Hello, and thank you for being so patient for the second chapter of this novel! I hit several bumps in the road, but I’m back and ready to release this into the world!

CHAPTER LIST

Triggers: Police, car chases, hospitals

Charlie unpacked quickly, eager to find some answers as to the reason why she was sent here by her parents, why the nurse told her she couldn’t be with her friends anymore, and most importantly, at that moment, when lunch would be.

Her sister had come here a year ago, and Charlie only got to visit her for an hour in the evenings for two whole months. She hoped she wouldn’t be here that long.

The second she walked out she saw two kids running down the hall, yelling excitedly about...something. She followed where they were going to discover that at the end of the hall was a classroom with a projector, and it was playing the title menu of a movie.

Not finding that very interesting, she walked back down the hallway until she saw a girl waving at her, blonde hair bouncing with her as she did, trying to get Charlie’s attention. And, intrigued, Charlie walked over.

“Hello! I’m Cindy! What’s your name?” the girl asked.

“Oh...I’m Charlie. It’s nice to meet you,” Charlie said, suddenly feeling very shy.

When Charlie woke up with a start in the bathroom, she briefly panicked, thinking that she had been caught and was in a hospital’s facilities. It was only when she saw the graffiti on the stall door that she felt able to calm down. She wasn’t in a hospital, she was just somewhere she happened to not recognize. “London?” she called into headspace. “Where did your stupid testosterone-fueled ideas land us now?”

There was a groan close to her and she could almost sense London rousing next to her. “I don’t know, darling, I was rather tired when I got here, I must have been half-asleep.”

The pitch in London’s voice was higher than yesterday, and Charlie thought this was as good a time as any to ask, “She day today?”

London hummed her agreement and Charlie rolled her eyes good naturedly, standing up and unlocking the stall. “Not that I don’t love you, London, but I never understood how you could just move from guy to girl and back again whenever.”

“It’s not like I can choose when it happens,” London huffed. “I’m just as bemused as you when it comes to the reason this happens.”

“It’s a mystery,” Charlie agreed with a laugh. “But it’s whatever, I suppose. I don’t think I had the time to snatch any hair dye before I left the house. Do you remember if I did?”

“I don’t believe we managed to even get in the house, this time. You saw the van out front of our place and bolted.”

Charlie groaned, running a hand through her hair. “Right. So we’re going to have to go to our stash anyway. Normally I wouldn’t mind that, but with the city as alert as it has been, it’s risky to get our emergency supplies.”

“Just be glad we learned to put it in the next town over, darling,” London sighed. “Otherwise we’d have nothing to go on at all.”

That was true. Charlie couldn’t risk going back to the city for anything. But the next city over would have heard there was a system in the area, not a description of said system. And by the time they got out, Charlie would have her hair dyed, a new pair of clothes on, and enough cash in her name to hitch a ride anywhere she wanted.

She walked out of the bathroom and squinted, looking around. It was mid-morning, if the position of the sun was anything to go on. On one hand, this complicated things. It was harder to hide from hunters in broad daylight. On the other, they probably were spread out enough by this point that if one of them found her, it would take a while for the others to come to help subdue her, giving her a window of escape.

Dimly recalling which way London came from to get to the bathrooms, Charlie intended to continue walking down the road until she got to the next town over, where her stash would be hidden, and her ticket to safety would be. That is, until she heard someone call, “Hey!” from across the parking lot.

Charlie tried to hide her jump as she looked over and saw a blonde, lanky man putting a tent in the back of his pickup truck. “Have you been hiking nearby? There were police out here earlier trying to get everyone out of the woods, word is that there’s a system hiding out here!”

A knot loosened in her chest. This man was just your average camper, someone who didn’t know who she was, or what she was. “Really?” she asked, pretending to sound intrigued. “I hadn’t heard; I’ve been on and off the trails all morning, I got a bit turned around.”

“Oh, that’s not good. Hey, do you need a ride? It’s not safe to be out here on your own with a system nearby, I’d be happy to give you a lift, if you’re heading toward Waxton?”

Of all the dumb luck...well, she supposed the universe did owe her one or two good things...“That’s where I parked my car! Do you really not mind a stranger in your car? After all, if there’s a system around...”

“We’d be much safer together than apart,” the man said. “Hop in, I’ll give you a lift into town. What’s your name, by the way?”

“Holly. Holly Carron,” Charlie said, without missing a beat. That was an old alias, the only trace that she ever existed in anywhere other than Section Forty Two. She rarely ever went to the gym she was planning on going to once she got into town; the only thing of use there being a duffle bag in a locker where she held her stash.

“Well, then, Miss Holly, let’s ride,” the man said with a carefree grin.

Charlie smiled and walked over to the truck, getting in the passenger’s side and leaning back in the seat. She was relieved that things seemed to be going her way for once.

The man got in the driver’s side and started his truck. “Name’s Charles, by the way, but everyone calls me Chuck. Just in case, you know, you want to call me by my name.”

Charlie laughed. “Funny. I knew a Charlie when I was a kid, she was sweet.”

“Oh?” Chuck asked. “What was she like?”

Charlie looked out the front window, seeing a faint reflection and meeting her own blue-eyed gaze. “Really soft-spoken, but every word she said was kind. Wouldn’t hurt a fly. We grew up together,” she was sad at this point; not because of the story but because this was her childhood, and it was ripped away from her all too soon when she was eighteen.

“Something happen to her?” Chuck asked.

“Her Integration failed, senior year,” Charlie said, shaking her head. “She broke apart and they had to take her away. I still miss her, some days.”

“Oh,” Chuck went quiet and the truck filled with an awkward, somber silence. “...I’m sorry.”

Charlie looked up the road and paled when she saw a police checkpoint. Stupid, stupid, you should have thought of that! Of course they would keep track of the main roads!

Chuck looked at her when she shrank in her seat, then looked further up the road. He cursed. “I really didn’t need this today,” he muttered.

Charlie looked over at him. “Why are you upset?”

“I’m running on a tight schedule,” he said, scratching the back of his neck.

“You’re lying,” Charlie said, squinting at him.

Chuck glanced at her, and pulled off the road to get a good look at her. “Well, why are you upset?” he fired back.

“I asked first!” Charlie scoffed.

“I’m the one who gave you a ride from the goodness of my heart!” Chuck said.

“Doesn’t mean you have an excuse to question my private life!” Charlie said, crossing her arms.

Chuck squinted at her, and Charlie felt her heart thud in her chest once, twice, three times. “You’re the system they’re looking for,” he said softly.

“You don’t seem like the kind of person who’d be on the wrong side of the law,” Charlie noted.

“You’re not denying it.”

“No,” Charlie huffed. “I’m not.”

“Not denying it or not the system?” Chuck pressed. “Because before I charge through that police checkpoint with you and get all my BOLOs updated, I need to know who I’m doing it for.”

Charlie stared long and hard at Chuck. Then, she said, “Charlie. Charlie, London, Ross, and Charlotte.”

He nodded once with a, “That’s good enough for me.” Then he got back on the road, and floored the gas.

Charlie reached up for the grab handle as the truck sped faster and faster towards the checkpoint, until officers were waving their hands and trying to get Chuck to stop. Chuck paid them no mind and sped straight through the checkpoint, not even slowing down for the immediate left turn after the stop. Charlie squeaked in surprise and Chuck continued to speed. “I don’t suppose slowing down just a little bit is possible?” she asked, voice rising in pitch with every word.

“After going through a checkpoint like that? We’ll be lucky if they don’t immediately come after us in those patrol cars, we need every advantage we can get,” Chuck said.

Charlie screamed in alarm as he weaved onto the wrong side of the double-yellow lines to go around a car in their way. “You’re insane!” she screeched.

“Have you never run from the police in a car before?” Chuck asked, looking over at her.

“I always make sure they can’t find me unless they’re on foot, I only pay in cash, I can’t afford to take a car with me wherever I go!” Charlie yelled.

Chuck shook his head and pressed the accelerator harder. “Well, I suppose you’re in for a treat, then. Because I know how to get cars on the cheap wherever I go, and I can show you how.”

Charlie felt like she was going to hyperventilate, and was wondering why, exactly, London hadn’t intervened by this point.

Chuck made a sharp turn and they drifted into a parking lot on the edge of the woods. “Come on, out of the car!” he exclaimed, jumping out and taking off.

This man is insane, Charlie thought to herself, jumping out and following him all the same.

They ran the rest of the way into town, at which point Charlie took the lead. “With me,” she gasped, grabbing his hand and leading him to the local gym.

She flashed a smile at the man up front and with a quick explanation of how she “forgot” her membership card in her locker the last time she was here, she was let into the back. Chuck followed soon after, shaking his head. “You’re so lucky I happen to have a membership here,” he said, sighing.

“Yeah?” Charlie asked, still slightly out of breath. “Go get whatever you have here, and sneak into the women’s section, I’ll be able to help you hide from the authorities.”

“You want me. To sneak into the women’s locker room. I’m not some Peeping Tom!” Chuck exclaimed.

“Fine, then I’ll get everything from my locker and sneak into the men’s room. I know how to pass as a trans guy anyway,” Charlie said, making her way to the women’s locker room.

She grabbed her duffel bag inside, featuring everything from half a week’s worth of clothes to hair bleaching and dyeing solutions, to face putty. Then she walked to the back of the locker room to where a door was, picked the lock on it courtesy of a bobby pin she found in the duffel bag, and waltzed into the men’s section.

Chuck was in the back, changing his shirt, and he jumped when he saw her. “Don’t do that!” he exclaimed.

Charlie shrugged unsympathetically and closed the door behind her. “Come on, we’ve got to disguise ourselves, and quickly.”

“How are we gonna do that?” Chuck asked.

Charlie put down the duffel bag and opened it up, pulling out two packs of hair dye, an entire container of face putty, some fake piercings and a pair of glasses. “With a makeover, of course,” she said. “Give me two minutes to put on a binder I have in there and I’ll be right with you.”

Chuck shook his head. “This is crazy.”

“No crazier than speeding through a police checkpoint,” Charlie said sweetly as she grabbed said binder and walked away. “Now don’t go anywhere, you’re my ticket out of here.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Chuck called after her with great sarcasm.

Tag List: @wildhorsewolf

#constellations #online novel #multiplemademedia #web novel #webseries #novel

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marcoacesabo · 7 years

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MAS Bingo: 12. Magic Spells

How long has he been here? Trapped in his suit, in a small place with no means of ever getting out.

Sabo watches from the other side of the mirror wondering what it must be like to be able to walk among the rest. He sometimes wonders what it would be like to feel the sunlight on his skin again. Sometimes he wonders if Ace's hair has gotten any softer. Sometimes wonders if Marco still loses his house keys after letting them go.

Sometimes he wonders if they even remember him

It's been months since he's been cursed. The attack had come from behind, while he had been busy trying on the special suit he was excited to wear for a very special event. It had happened so quickly he hadn't even been able to see who it was that did this to him.

The only thing he knew was that shadows had erupted from the full body mirror and dragged him inside.

Forever trapped behind the reflective surface the blond is doom to watch time go on without him. Stuck frozen as the sands of time continue to fall without pause.

The worst part was watching others live without him

Was watching Ace and Marco live without him.

Ace steps into the mirror and his breath hitches. Sabo's love is so close, so very close that it hurts. He reaches out his hand but an invisible force stops him from touching the other. It's like this everytime and yet he still hopes it different, only to have those hopes crushed.

Ace is stunning, fixing his tux with the happiest smile Sabo has ever seen on his face.

It the one Sabo had helped him pick out, the one he had made sure went along with his own and Marco's. It had been a bit expensive but they had decided nothing was too much for their day.

The day he would no longer be a part of.

He was hoping he would see him wear it at the alter but with the spell being in place Sabo can barely see him in person.

"Looking good." Someone says, a little way away from the edge of the mirror. Sabo can't see them not from where he is and he doesn't recognize the voice either. "It's almost time for the ceremony are you ready?"

Ace turns away from Sabo, he can't see his expression anymore but he can tell his smiling by his voice. It's something that's he's missed dearly. "Thanks. Today is going to be the best day of my life."

"Of course it is. It's your wedding day." The stranger laughs. The sound is muted under the shattering of Sabo's heart.

Your wedding should have been our wedding day. But it isn't, they haven't even gone looking for him. Why? He's been missing for months. Why haven't they gone looking for him?

"I want you to know I fixed the problem, " The person with Ace says. " They were really sorry for adding that one name and gave me a discount for their mistake."

Sabo's blood freezes. He didn't mean-?

"Oh thank you. I swore they had to fuck up enough to send us a hundred little memories for our wedding and they add the name Sabo to it? It's nowhere even near Marco or Ace!"

Please no.

"It's so weird. Sabo is on everything" The other agrees. "on the cake, on the memories even the photographer was under that name. Do you think it was some kind of prank by one of the guys?"

Ace I'm right here.

"Well if it was it's not funny. Who messes around with someone's wedding anyway?" Ace huffs he steps out of the mirror view and Sabo get's scared. He can't seem him anymore can hear him but he can't see Ace.

And it sounds like Ace had forgotten him.

"Ace!" He screams smacking his fists on the mirror. "Ace! It's me, it's Sabo! Let me out! Let me out!"

He knows this won't work, he's tried it before but he needs to do something needs to try Beacuse if he doesn't the loves of his life will move on without him. They had talked about buying a house three or so states away for Marco's new job.

It had been an exciting idea. He wanted it so much, wanted to start a life with them, wanted to build a home with them. Sabo was fine with anything as long as he had Ace and Marco.

He never had a problem with this house, it was old but it was warm.

It once belongs to Rouge who took him in and gave him a home. Now, however, it was a cell. Beacuse the mirror was built into the wall it meant it would remain here.

Sabo would be left behind all alone while Marco and Ace moved on.

"Let me out! Let me out!" He screamed sobs breaking into his shouts as Ace and the stranger talked about getting cold feet. they joked about Ace not knowing how to tie his tie. Talked about the guests that were arriving.

An entire conversation in the very same room but Sabo could not part take in it.

"Well, it's almost time. We should head out to the beach. Pops is waiting." Ace says voice cheerful and excited. "Teach. I'm getting married."

"Yes you are Commander, yes you are. Go on it's won't do if the groom is late now, would it? I'll clean up here." Teach answers sounding amused. There is a thump sound as if someone picked up some things and dropped them on the floor.

Ace laughs, voice laced with such joy it physically hurts Sabo.

"You're the best. Thanks for getting all these little details covered when everything went to shit. I swear you showed up just when we needed you the most."

"Oh no, it was you who showed up when I needed someone. In fact, if it wasn't for you guys I wouldn't even be here today." The other answers, something in his voice makes Sabo's hair stand on end. "I can't begin to describe my gratitude to you Whitebeards."

"Think nothing of it! I hope one day you get your memories back. Well, I'm off, after today I'll be Ace Newgate!" Ace chirps from somewhere and no- no he's leaving. His leaving Sabo behind.

Please, this can't be happening.

"Ace! Help! I'm trapped! Ace!" He shouts gasping as the sound of the door slam close.

"No!"

"Crying?" A man Sabo has never seen before mocks. It takes him a moment to realize he's speaking to him, to Sabo. He knows he's in there. Which means he was the one-

"I wonder how long it'll be before they realize they are missing their memories? A few years and full lifetime? Who knows maybe they will never remember? After all, you stopped existing the moment you went into the mirror. "

The fat monster laughs, showing off a picture Sabo knows well. It's the one form their first date, where they all went to that part on the beach. Ace had worn that hideously loud orange hat of his, while Marco was arm-wrestled into that bright pineapple shirt Sabo bought.

They had their arms swung over Marco's shoulders. The picture was taken just as Ace and Sabo placed a kiss on Marco's cheeks. The older man's surprise expression had been the cutest thing they ever were seen.

It was his favorite, one he framed himself to keep by his bedside.

Now the picture frame only had Ace and Marco.

Sabo was nowhere to be seen. He was gone. Erased.

"Oh, sea. Oh, sea. Oh, sea." he panted, hyperventilating as more tears ran down his face. "Why? why did you do this?”

" simple." The dark hair man laughs "It's fun. No, if you excuse me I have a wedding to get to."

Tears fall in a silent scream and Sabo starts pounding on the surface. "No! Don't leave me here! Please! Someone help me!"

He can't see the man anymore, but he can hear him at the doorway. Sabo feels like the darkness is going to swallow him whole. "Oh and just so you know. That mirror? It's covered in mold. Marco wants to replace it. Do you know what that means?"

Yes, he does. He knows what that means and Sabo had never been more scared in his life. The hours drag, on as he screams for help but no one comes. His throat his horse by the end of it but still no one comes.

The sound of a celebration barely drifts from the open window. Outside is a beach covered with many happy people congratulating the newlyweds. It goes quite after some time, Ace and Marco don't return.

Days pass as he prays for a miracle. But nothing happens. Each night he falls asleep standing up, each morning he wakes to find himself alone. The house is silent. Sabo thinks he is going mad.

He's scared

Alone

Forgotten.

Unimportant.

Then a crew of workers wanders into the house one day, They tear up the old boards, take down some wall. Sabo can hear them work from his little prison. It's soothing to hear humans again.

Then they stand around the mirror. It's wonderful to be able to see humans again. Sabo is much too tired to hope they see him however instead he just lets his eyes hungrily drink up all their features.

It's not untiled one of them claims the glass is unstable with how it is that he remembers his real fear.

"There isn't much we can do for it. We'll just have to break it. Bring me a hammer!"

"NO! PLEASE! I'M IN HERE!"

But no one hears his screams.

The movers shatter the old molded mirror and Sabo is silent.

#MarcoAceSabo #Angst #MASS Bingo #Magical spell= curse #I hate Teach can you tell?

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a-sweet-pea · 6 years

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The Last Flight

A/N: I see ‘hyperfixation’ pop up on my dash every so often, and as far as I can gather its sort of related to add / adhd, and it pretty much is what it sounds like. With that in mind, if a person had plenty of other writing projects to deal with but then they watched an episode of a TV show, and a thirty-second portion lodged itself in their brain so firmly that they watched just that clip, like, eighteen more times, while walking to pick up some takeout, while on lunchbreak at work, and it made them absolutely fall in love with the idea of reinterpreting that whole episode in a G/T context, such that they pretty much couldn’t focus on any other WIP because they were too in love with the performance of this particular actor, the combination of old-fashioned military politeness, cocky fly-boy attitude tempered with vulnerability and confusion, and big dark scared eyes and clark-kent style hair, and then they wrote almost two-thousand words about it, is that what hyperfixation is? Asking for a friend.

On an entirely unrelated note, this is a short fanfic of Season 1, Episode 18 of the Twilight Zone. Some pieces of the dialogue are taken directly from the episode, and I highly recommend watching it (it’s available on USA Netflix) if only the segment from 3 minutes in to 7 minutes in.

- - -

Witness Flight Lieutenant William Terrance Decker, Royal Flying Corps, returning from a patrol somewhere over France. The year is 1917. The problem is that the Lieutenant is hopelessly lost. Lieutenant Decker will soon discover that a man can be lost not only in terms of maps and miles, but also in time and dimension - and all of these navigational touchstones are waylaid in the Twilight Zone.

Sara was just stepping out of her front door when the plane landed. The street was empty. Not many people were up at six in the morning on a saturday, at least not in the early early spring, when the weather had a habit of acting as if it was still winter. Sara was only up because a particularly loud bird had taken up residence in the tree next to her bedroom, and she was never able to go back to sleep once she’d woken up. She was only outside because inbetween bouts of birdsong, she’d heard this weird chattering engine noise and wanted to see what it was. And she saw it the moment she stepped outside; a model airplane landing on the sidewalk going up to her house like it was a runway. It touched down at the far end of the walk, by the mailbox, and came to a stop about halfway to the stoop.

Who on the street owns a model plane? She looked the road up and down but there were no conspicuous remote-control-holding children in any of the nearby windows. Maybe someone got one for Christmas and they only ever play with it early in the morning.

The propeller slowed to a lazy twirl as she got closer. Hopefully whoever owns it put their name on it so I can return it.

Something climbed out of the plane.

What the hell?

Sara had seen videos of people putting their pets in model cars or planes; hamsters or lizards, anything small enough to fit in the cockpit. It seemed like such an awful thing to do to a pet. I hope they didn’t put their name on the plane, and then I’ll have an excuse not to return it. You don’t get to have a pet if you’re going to fly it around in a remote control plane; I don’t care how carefully you land it, that’s just irresponsible.

No, it wasn’t a pet. It must have just fallen out of the cockpit, not climbed out, because it was shaped like a person.

Now, putting an action figure in a model plane; that’s fine.

An action figure that was standing up on it’s own, despite having tumbled out of the plane. An action figure that took off it’s helmet and tossed it into the plane. An action figure that turned around and looked at her, and stumbled backward, and took off at a run in the opposite direction..

Small as it was, it didn’t get very far.

She knelt down on the concrete and curled her fingers around the fleeing figure. It wriggled in her grip; tiny hands pushed against her fingers, struggling to pry them apart.

It’s not…it isn’t…

She grabbed the plane in her other hand. It was metal, and it was still hot, like the hood of a car that’s been running all day.

They make remote control airplanes out of metal, don’t they?

She pushed back through the door, hands full, and let it slam shut behind her. The thing that could not be what it looked like still struggled in her right hand. She let her grip loosen a fraction. The plane, she set down on the coffee table. The other thing, she did not set down. She sat down on the couch and took a deep breath.

Why am I so shaky?

Her hand shook as she lifted it toward her face, opening it as she did so that her palm lay flat. And on it was an impossible creature, scrambling to his feet.

A man. A man with dark eyes and dark hair that was parted at the side and touseled at his forehead. A man dressed in a leather aviator jacket, a white scarf, clean pressed pants, and tall leather boots. A man who was four inches tall.

“Holy…” He flinched at the sound of her voice, raising his hands in front of his face as if to shield himself.

“Sorry!” She cut her volume in half. “A-are you okay?”

He wasn’t listening. His eyes were fixed on her, but his attention was elsewhere, fumbling for something at his waist; some miniscule metal implement. When he raised it, gripping the handle in one hand and steadying his grip with the other, it became clear what it was.

“Easy, easy.” His shoulders were steady but his chest was heaving with hyperventilated breaths, and his hands were shaking so much the gun didn’t stay pointed in any one direction for more than a moment. Even so, she was such a big target (relatively speaking) that he was liable to hit something if he fired. “Put the gun away.” He swallowed, readjusting his grip. “I’m not gonna hurt you, I promise.”

“Are you American?”

It took her a moment to answer, she was so startled. He can talk. That somehow made him more real (one would have thought that seeing and touching him would have been enough to establish the truth of his existence, but apparently she had still been partway unconvinced).

“Yes. Are you?”

He shook his head. “British.” The tip of the gun faltered, and then lowered. “What-who are you?”

“I’ll tell you if you put the gun away.” He nodded and holstered the gun. “Name’s Sara. Sorry for grabbing you, hope you’re not too shook up. What’s your name?”

He stood straighter, a puppet with it’s strings pulled tight all of a sudden. “Leftenant William Terrance Decker.” He brought his hand to his forehead with rigid military precision. “Royal Flying Corps.” Hearing him speak properly, she could have guessed he was British. A refined and educated, albeit currently out of sorts, English accent.

“Pleased to meet you, Leftenant.”

He lowered his arm, but he still stood rigid as a toy soldier. He turned his head one way and the other, taking in his surroundings with increasing confusion. “Where exactly am I?”

“Havelock, North Carolina. In my house, specifically. Where did you think you were?”

“Well, I thought I was landing at 56 Squadron RFC.” He laughed nervously. “But I also thought the worst thing that could happen on patrol would be to run into was a German plane, and well, here we are.”

German? Despite the fact that Germans had no doubt made many planes since, ‘German plane’ was a phrase somehow inexorably tangled up with the world wars. Add to that a British pilot, and the connection was almost undeniable. And his plane has a definite early-World-War look to it, like the one on display up at Cherry Point.

“What’s today’s date?”

He answered without hesitation, although he looked puzzled. “March the fifth.”

Correct. “What year?”

He looked doubly puzzled. “Why, nineteen-seventeen.”

“Nineteen-seventeen?” The little figure in her hand suddenly felt different. More alien. More lost.

“That’s correct.” What little composure he’d mustered over the past few minutes faltered slightly. “Isn’t it?”

“It’s…” She paused, trying to choose her words carefully. Was it possible to phrase this delicately? “It’s two-thousand and seventeen.”

He stared past her. There was different fear in his eyes now; not the wild, dangerous fear of seeing her. Something subtler and stranger.

“Uh…look here…” He spoke much softer now, voice steady despite his obvious distress. He looked down at her palm; she felt the toe of a minuscule boot tentatively tap her skin. “You…” He looked back up at her, eyes wide with concern and confusion. "You’re not joking with me, are you?"

She shook her head.

“Good lord…” Already unsteady on his feet, his weight shifted and he fell to one knee.

“Careful!”

He didn’t respond to her warning, if he even processed it. He was staring into the distance, lowering himself to a sitting position in the center of her palm. She could feel his arms shaking where they touched skin.

“When I was landing…” He was whispering still, Sara had to lift her hand closer to hear him. He was too lost in remembering to notice. “There was a thick white cloud…I couldn’t hear my engine. It was like being swallowed in a vacuum. The same sort of thing happened to Guy Niemayer. He disappeared one day while flying. At the memorial service the Cardinal said ‘He belonged to the sky, and the sky has taken him.”

“Well, he never showed up here, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

He jumped, shaken from a reverie.

“Well of course not, I only…” His voice trailed away. He was looking at her as if he’d only just remembered she was there. “Is this what he saw as he was dying?”

“You’re not dying!”

“Aren’t I?” He gestured at the air, at nothing. “Castaway in time and space; in the clutches of giant? It all feels to real to be a dream, and if it’s not then I don’t see what else it could be.”

“You’re not in my clutches!” Sara lowered her hand to the coffee table; the Leftenant’s fingers dug into her palm at the sudden movement. “I-I’m not clutching. Honest.” He didn’t move at first, but the longer she kept her hand flat and still, the more assured he was that it wasn’t going to suddenly lift off again. He pushed himself to his feet and walked unsteadily off the edge of her palm. Sara lifted her hand away and absent mindedly brushed her palm with the thumb of the other hand.

He’s so light.

He took a few cautious steps on the glass table top, looking up toward the ceiling, what must have been a hundred feet above him or more.

“I’m sorry…” He turned back to her with a very militaristic about face. “I’m sorry if I scared you. I didn’t mean to."

He crossed his arms and furrowed his brow. “I’m not afraid.”

She smiled wide and did one of those quick breathy laughs you can’t politely supress because you weren’t expecting it. “Good.”

A/N 2 : If this is rushed and unpolished, it’s because I farted it out. This idea was literally posessing me. Also, I spelled Lieutenant weird on purpose because they pronounced it that way. This whole post is a fever dream. I make no apologies.

#giant/tiny #fanfic #g/t fluff #g/t writing #holy guacamole i wrote fanfiction #am i a real tumblr now #I’m sorry I never post anything #happy Mabon everybody #asweetpeawriting #asweetpea #g/t

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semper-prorsum · 6 years

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Thoughts on psychiatrist appointment yesterday:

I felt more like a collection of symptoms than a human being. It was “you have this symptom, here’s this pill that can take care of that.”, and didn’t have room for me to have complex opinions about my own recovery. Like, introduce yourself to me, with your name. Don’t ask if I have any questions while perched on the edge of your chair, like the appointment is over already.

I don’t ever want to take the pill that’s going to knock me out cold because what if something awful happens again and I’m not aware enough to stop it. And there wasn’t any space for me to bring that up, or the issues I’ve had in the past with melatonin and not being able to wake up from nightmares.

I was terrified to cry. I was so scared to look for a second like I wasn’t perfectly in control of my emotions and faculties. And later M curled up next to me when I was crying and it felt like all the acceptance and validation in the world.

Fear isn’t bad. It’s not unhealthy, inherently, or unhelpful. I do better when I give things like fear and anxiety and sadness and grief some space to exist, and don’t pathologize them or treat them like things I just need to get rid of. It’s perfectly reasonable to be scared. Some really awful shit happened. Doesn’t mean I’m really awful shit.

I have some feelings about humanity, and how whatever our other roles in a given situation may be we all continually remain human. I’m a human, and a psychiatrist or therapist or “case manager” (because apparently now I’m a case...) is a human, and I just want people to act like there are two human beings in the room. Like I’m a human having a hard time right now, and gentleness and kindness and connection aren’t luxuries only afforded to the fully functioning, and that either of us could be sitting on either side of the table if circumstances were just a little bit different. And the fact that only one of us is expected to emotionally disrobe is weird and unbalanced and doesn’t mean that leaving our humanity at the door is emotionally cleaner.

There’s a dog currently sleeping on my legs. It’s 3:30 am, and the fact that he’s sleeping soundly is the thing that’s keeping me calm right now, because his senses are better than mine and his sleep is lighter and he likes to bark at everything and he currently isn’t barking because there isn’t anything to bark at. That has been more helpful to me in the sleeping department than anything else.

It seems like I accomplished more on my own than when I’ve been trying to engage with the therapeutic process over the past six months. I found a way to exist in my body, and worked to get my thinking a lot healthier, and did a lot of really productive work around trigger desensitization. Which is something to non-patronizingly honor, and it’s okay that some of that progress has slipped away now, and it’s okay that I loose my crap when I try to be present in my body. No one is allowed to suggest that I’ve just been stuck in survival mode; I did some serious work, and that matters. It seems like trying to be a good therapy client is distracting me from going foraging for my own path through the woods again.

I want to quit therapy. I want to call and cancel every appointment I’ve ever had, and change my number, and I don’t know if I want to find someone else or just never go back ever again. I won’t be doing that, but my god I just want to crawl under a rock.

One of the most supportive and affirming interactions I’ve had in this whole process was with the nurse who did my forensic exam. The exam itself was a small slice of hell, but she’d pause and tell me that I was doing great as I was sitting there hyperventilating and not super responsive, and firmly but without pushing told me it wasn’t my fault it happened, even if I had left the door unlocked, and that people should be able to leave their doors unlocked during the daytime. And when I was actually up on the table and freaking all the way out, she paused and told me to breathe, and said that she was there with me, and that P was right outside the door, and the entire thing was horrible and I wish I hadn’t had to go through it, But I don’t think she ever really lost sight of the fact that everyone involved was a human, and I’m very grateful to have that memory to draw on.

And the very fuzzy memory of the car ride after that, when P audibly breathed in and out what I’m pretty sure is the longest breath anyone has ever taken, trying to cue me that my breathing was way too fast, but it felt like an invitation. Like a small, wordless connection, and an acknowledgment that she knew I was trying so it wasn’t a command. It felt like we were two humans in a car, one significantly more calm than the other, but still connected. Like she was just this calm, compassionate presence, and whatever reaction I needed to have was okay. Didn’t make me weak, didn’t make me unstable, didn’t make me fragile. We were both just human.

This whole thing dragged up three particular experiences I’ve had in the past with psychiatrists. The earliest was the time I was actually medicated, by this mouse-y man who looked at me over his glasses and nodded when I talked and I don’t think he listened to a work I said. The second was with a lady, Dr. V, who I only saw once, because she refused to medicate me because I didn’t want to take medication (which I am very grateful for). She said to my parents, while I was still in the room, “she’s one of the worst cases I’ve ever seen”, referencing how depression-shut-down I was. Thinking about that now, I can see that in a much more compassionate light, but that’s a phrase I’ve carried with me for years. That I’m that broken, that messed up, and she didn’t have a comprehensive picture of me at all, but I don’t think that excuses the fact that she spoke about me for a solid ten minutes like I wasn’t in the room. The third was the slimeball ARNP I saw for a year and a half-ish, who was an enabling jerk who gave my parents ideas about how to be awful. The case manager, with his arrogance and frat-bro-ish-ness, kind of reminded me of him.

Right now, I hold more of the cards than I did when I was younger. I don’t have someone who looks more respectable and sounds more convincing sitting there saying that I’m a manipulative, destructive liar anymore, but I’m scared because I’ve seen how people can act when I don’t have the power in a given situation. I’m scared of seeming like I’m not in control, because then other people take the control for themselves. All of that’s exhausting.

I just want to be able to say a thing sometimes and not have someone feel the need to “address” it. Sometimes, all something needs is fresh air and some space to exist.

As I say that, I think that might be a major issue in why therapy isn’t super effective right now. Every time I say something, there has to be a response. There has to be some psycho-education, some talk about how we can therapeutically address it, some comment about how it’s normal, and that almost makes it worse. Especially if I don’t have something else to say at that moment... accepting silence is okay. Compassionate witnessing is okay. That goes in therapy, and with myself.

I didn’t like that. It wasn’t bad, or unhelpful, or counterproductive, but I didn’t like that at all. I felt like a collection of symptoms rather than a human being, and it was like there wasn’t space for my reservations or questions, and the nature of therapeutic relationships in the first place is weird but I felt poked and prodded more than I felt seen.

A smile. A thoughtful pause. Welcoming body language, or a kind comment about how it seems like I’m having a hard time right now... it’s the details that give people dignity.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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i did not need his negativity yesterday nor did i have the mental strength to not be affected by it.

he seems to have a rose colored view on his past friends who have lived even more passively than i have while doing hard drugs, drinking and having sex with so many partners that diseases are spread among them. but yet i’m told i’m just a welfare case, that i should just get over it, try harder etc. but there is never ever an admission that perhaps the troubles ive had in life directly relate to the struggles i still have now.

“well her mother was crazy so she had to leave at 15 and take care of herself”

??? my mother was crazy and my father was sick and i had to take care of myself and him. without giving into the temptation of an easy escape through literal hallucinations. i am better than everyone who did give into the temptation. my will is stronger. sorry. that might bother him because he is a drug user. and he wans to convince me that my weed smoking is comparable to people shooting drugs. and it simply is not in any way. i am a functioning member of society in so much that i do not have a drug den, i do not have needles around, i do not have any long term physial effects of drug use im just a fucking stoner. just like people who HAVE to buy starbucks everyday. theyre just basic bitches. theyre not coffee addicts. and he trappe the conversation - all addicts say this. but i am making a choice and it would be incredibly easy for me to make other choices if i felt they were worth it in my depression. i am ADDICTED to DEPRESSION. i do not control that addiction and it is harmful to people around me and myself.

me smoking a joint is not. me smoking a joint is only beneifical to not only myself but the people around me. i am alive today right now because i smoke weed. THAT is how i am “strong”.

it didnt matter though. i was already spiraling and wanted to go home but knew i couldnt because it was cold and almost midnight and i didnt even have proper boots and the weight of my entire life and being began crushing me.

these are panic attacks. these are not attacks which can be seen as the typical display of it but not everyone will hyperventilate into a paper bag. my parents called it an asthma attack because i wasnt breathing right. i wasnt allowed to act out. if i acted out my mother attacked me in such severe ways that i trained myself not to react to anything. but you cant do hthis you cant just be a robot forever your emotions will operate whether you acknowlege them or not.

so it builds. and during the build up which always happens the same way my thoughts are spiraling. if someone latches on to a brief idea of the issues im battling inside, it now solidified the thought and i start to panic. it wasnt being called a drug addict. it was the fact that im constantly put on the bottom of the list for like existing human beings. no one ever goes, ‘well you had to take care of your father’. i dont get that. why? am i not blonde and cute enough? did i not suck enough dick? should i have done drugs and been more pathetic? why is it that everyone else gets a ‘well this and this happened tot hem so is understandable’. for me it’s literally well you cant focus on your past you just gotta move on. it’s not fair, it’s frustrating and when it comes from the only person even giving you any sort of love at that moment in time, it feels trapping. deal with this or have nothing.

i cannot explain this though. it starts here and by the time i’ve freaked out so hard i cant even communicate the intricacies of these thoughts. i’m now totally overwhelmed and i want to scratch out my eyes and tear out my hair and i’m sobbing so hard i cannot breathe.

i told him he outright had to help me because he did not listen to my warnings that what he was saying was bothering me. because i told him i didn need that negativity right now and i didn’t nee him focusing on being a “drug addict” because i dont spend my rent money on shooting drugs. i dontand thats not part of my problem. it’s just a matter of opinion regarding marijuana. period. my opinion differs greatly and i advocate for the VERY PROVEN medical benefits of it. not just “its been shown K helps depression”. so does lsd. so did lsd. so much so that people dosed other people unknowingly to try and “help” them becuase they thought lsd “helped them” and “opened their mind”. but shold you do LSD everyday? no. i really dont think you should. can you ingest something that has minimal effects on a normally healthy person with no pre desposition to mental health issues everday? yes. cancer patients smoke weed because of its legitimate medical benefits. they should not be k-holing. thats not the appropriate way to deal with cancer. nor does it help any of the issues of cancer except moderate pain relief and slight alleviaton of mental pain if you dont put yourself into a k-hole.

i can smoke 4 grams of weed and not die. i can smoke 4 grams of weed everyday for the next week and have no side effects except not even getting stoned anymore. i wont have to go to the hospital for “exhaustion”. i wont have spent my time at clubs or raves. i probably spent a lot of money on food. i will have no track marks or prolems with my nasal cavity and depending on how i smoke the weed, if i vape it - i may not even have lung problems. and in those days of smoking 4 grams i will STILL DO PRODUCTIVE ACTIVITIES and not just lay around wondering when i’ll get high again.

so to put me with heroin users is wrong and a surprisingly antiquated view. but i cannot explain all of this and maybe he’ll still disagree but now i’m just in a position where a person who is supposd to love me is telling me im as bad as a heroin addict. i am not and that is not an excuse to not change - i can still change my habits but you have no idea what i wold be for someone like me to do that. he made an “effort” to help but he doesnt have the tools in him to actually help. he told me to think of skating because he wanted to take me skating.

this morning as i was dropped off he asked if we were going skating. i said i guess and he said no more “i guess” i had to make a solid decision for what iiii wanted to do. and i guess i appreciate that - acknowledging that his personality is not okay for someone like me in the state i am in. i explained to him that our mutual friend came to my place and spoke to the roommate for me and was very like... it was as good as having a medical therapist come and advocate on my behalf. it wasnt like a “you shouldnt do this this is bad” it was “the person you live with suffers from very serious mental issues which affects her daily life and there are reasons as to why she is avoiding confrontation or choosing to live with things that others consider unreasonable” and it was really very good. like not only did i feel like it helped bridge a gap but that someone legitimately felt like they wanted to advocate for me. i didnt ask her to do it. i just explained this is my life and she was like no this is not okay and you need assistance to overcome this hurdle so you can continue on to the next one. i really really appreciate that. no one advocates for me.

i also made a doctors appt next week and that kind of alleviates some of he pressure i feel about dealing. i know i can now go talk to this person. and if i need to, i have a drive really to see him more often. our mutual friend also came in and casually asked for my razors. and that is something i also appreciate. i made avery large step by freely admitting a relapse. it wasnt like omg cry for help it was this is what occurred. period no discussion because you are not the person trained to deal with such maters of the psyche however as a human being you can acknowledge a crisis and offer assistance to he best of your own abilities. if you have the ability to say ‘hey do you mind if i take your razors with me to get them out of the house’ that is perfectly fine and good and helpful.

he does not know i relapsed. he has continually said he has no judgement on what i choose to do but does not support it and will only ever advocate for stopping outright. which is totally fair but it compounds the severity.

hes still trying though? last night he took time to have a moment of private affection and when i tol him about the door knob lock situation he immediately said he would buy one and just let him know. he then said we would “drink sake” tomorrow and added on the skating activity and these things were nice because there is rarely time put aside for just me in the “us”. i follow what he wants to do when he wants to do. i rarely ever ask to go somewhere and when i do i may be able to go but ill have to put up with mock fighting about it. but its not terrible. its not like im dragged to bars or baseball games. he decides we will go hiking and we do. we’ll go to this random thing an hour away and look at i and we do. and i get to exprience sooooo many things i would have never otherwise experienced if i was not with him. and this is why i remain with him. no one else has ever shown me this much of the actual world beyond the bubble i was trapped in. my ex did a decent job but we rarely did anything. like any activities at all. it would be a big deal to take a walk in the woods by our house.

i’ve gotten to canoe and climb beautiful ontario landscapes. i’ve gotten to eat food from all over the world. ive been given nothing but useful or beautiful and sentimental and meaningful gifts. i have never been given something frivolous ust for the sake of gifts. i’ve been given flowers on more than one occasion.

it’s really hard to come up with a complaint when i still get to do these wonderful things? like how can i be upset about hiking different parks? i think i’d want to do that anyways. so it’s nice i guess to have it acknowledged this morning that i had the freedom to choose. we did not have to skate and i didnt have to do it because he offered.

i kind of wanted to though. i think he knew also last night’s dinner with his family friends was just super awkward for me and woul be for literally anyone not related to them. it’s amazing how well they can make someone feel like an outsider while simultaneously telling them they’re “apart of the family”. that wasnt really his fault though. or maybe it s. i dont know. those people sucked and it took forever to eat and i did not even say goodbye to them because literally two sentences were said to me during the night which were, “so you do work in x city or do you commute to another?” and “are you flying out to see him when hes living out west?” both of which are questions that should never be asked. just period. i mean theyre reasonable questions but to ask them to me results in really awkward answers. like “~ im an artist.” to which she asked, “where” - bitch everywhere. i am a fucking artist of life. and of course its not within my parameters to explain - well you know i’m fucking pretty mentally ill so i’m generally unemployed and collect social assistance hbu. its not like i can outright lie either as the two people who do know my life are sitting there too. and its shitty in some ways that these eople are close tot hem and i am at their house everyday and never once has it been explained that this is in fact his girlfriend, this is what she does and why she is the way she is etc. lie most people would get a “this is ashley, she works at shoppers drug mart and shes a great mom”. but since i have none of this i am nothing to them

i am also very open about my struggles and where i came from in most situations. this is going to define my interaction with you and you should know that i’m aware of it an am working on it everyday. i am a very self aware empathetic person and i know that becaue of my unusual life i may cause unintentional offense or harm or burden someone in a way that i would not mean to if i understood differently or had a different journey. and everyone has their own journey but it’s a bit like a soldier coming back from war and it’s not on us to judge the severity of harm their journey caused them because we dont know. if theyre so encumbered by the thoughts of death they saw and were apart of it while others are not - we still need to respect the severity ad toll it tok on those individuals. and in no way do they want to be affected by this. theyre not choosing to take it home with them. but it now shapes everything they ever do and being a military person now defines you. it is apart of your definition and character.

it woul not be appropriate to xplain this to the wasps who think theyre daughter had it rough because she coudnt talk of her prividledge life to stuggling immigrants working to survive while she worked for 2 weeks for extra spending money when she went on her vacation to australia. and it’s ironic of course - i’m now offended by him and i was concerned for offending them; well i was. but then i gave up because i didnt give a shit about them and i didnt think they were actually good members of society. i thought maybe they were “good” fathers or mothers. maybe decent employees. but like a real active good member of society who is bringing a positive vibe to the world? no. i really dont think so. and i have mt people i believe do this. people who i also see really negative traits in as well. theyre not perfect but “good people of society” like working an seeing the whole of society - every part of it as an equal and good thing. maybe theyre bad mothers or fathers though. or maybe not great. i wouldnt say bad. but maybe not great, definitely could be better parents. but they atleast will instill their values, hopefully, into their children who will also be good people of society. i am currently in daily contact with atleast three people who were raised by shitty people of society. people who cared only for heir own exprience and saw everything else as an outside. they now gave that quality to their children. “good mother”. shitty person.

its up to the people in my support system to advocate for me. honestly.

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