#f****ck i hate garrett

[kitkatwinchester]

UMMMM

So...my hand has not left my mouth for the last ten minutes.

WHAT THE F*CK WHAT THE F*CK WHAT THE F*CK?!

I kind of can't believe Scott took the money.

Like, I know you guys are having money problems (...poor Melissa :( ), but I don't feel like stealing dead pool money is the solution to that...

Also OBVIOUSLY THAT WOULD END BADLY, SCOTT!

But, ya know, this is why you should never do anything without Stiles.

Actually I take that back. I feel like Stiles would've 100% encouraged taking the money. XD

So never mind. Either way, this would've ended badly.

Actually frankly, regardless, this probably would've ended badly, because Garrett wants Violet back, so, money or not, he probably still would've taken Liam.

THAT SAID.

I 100% did not see Garrett coming, like, at all. I legitimately jumped when Garrett slammed Liam with his car. That jump scare totally got me. They don't always, but that one definitely did.

Also WHY WOULD YOU THROW HIM IN A WELL?!

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

*SCREAMS*

F*CK!

FIND HIM SCOTT!

FIND HIM!!!

And then there's Derek, and his delayed healing, and whatever-the-f*ck is up with Peter, because he seems particularly unhinged right now and I don't like that at all because an unhinged Peter is pretty much disastrous for everyone. That said, I'm glad we saved Brett, and I'm glad Deaton was there to help point us in the right direction with the pack.

Anyways...

Positives.

I absolutely loved the Rafael and Scott scene. That was actually so soft, and Rafael really is hitting that redemption arc full force, and Scott can see it, and the fact that he's trying so hard to support his son now is honestly amazing and I'll happily take it. "Well you're here now." <3

Stydia team ups are always the best, and I loved everything about their scene with Parrish. Literally everything. The way that Stiles and Lydia keep exchanging looks, the way Parrish reacts to being on the hit list, the way Stiles reacts to Parrish complaining about it only being five dollars, and then the way Parrish reacts to it being five MILLION dollars. "Maybe I should kill myself." XD

Parrish is honestly so adorable. That said, he obviously has NO idea that he IS something supernatural (Lydia (and Kira, actually) vibes...kinda makes me ship Parrish and Lydia even more lol), which is almost MORE concerning, but DOES make me feel like the nice guy personality is not an act, so that's comforting. I just hope that whenever his supernaturalness does come out, it doesn't totally make him evil and change said personality, 'cause THAT would suck.

And last, but certainly not least, I'm looking forward to a Malia and Derek team-up. I feel like this'll be fun, and it will also potentially confirm my theory that Malia is just in love with everyone in the pack and vice versa, 'cause Derek is the only one left right now. XD

ANYWAYS.

SAVE LIAM PLEASE!!

(Best one I could find but I'll take it. "Ooookay, that's kind of terrifying." I love him. XD <3)

Update: THE WAY LIAM IS CALLING FOR SCOTT I'M LITERALLY GONNA CRY AHHHHH!!! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[joysofescapism]

Book Review: Den of Vipers by K.A. Knight

Ryder, Garrett, Kenzo, and Diesel—The Vipers. They run this town and everyone in it. Their deals are as sordid as their business, and their reputation is enough to bring a grown man to his knees, forcing him to beg for mercy. They are not people you mess with, yet my dad did. The old man ran up a debt with them and then sold me to cover his losses. Yes, sold me. They own me now. I’m theirs in every sense of the word. But I’ve never been meek and compliant. These men, they look at me with longing. Their scarred, blood-stained hands holding me tight. They want everything I am, everything I have to give, and won’t stop until they get just that. They can own my body, but they will never have my heart. The Vipers? I’m going to make them regret the day they took me. This girl? She bites too.

Read my full review below the cut.

Trigger Warning: violence, graphic torture, death, gore, graphic mutilation, domestic abuse, kidnapping, self-harm, sexual abuse, blood play, gunplay, knife play, sexual violence.

I will start by saying that this book was one of those hate-to-love kinds. I really cannot believe that I enjoyed it despite the numerous groans and frustrated screams I did.

Was it the smut? Was it the mind-numbing scenes I couldn’t believe I was reading? Because it sure as hell was not the plot nor the characters.

Each time I read dark romance, I always prepare myself for a ton of suspension of disbelief. I would also remind myself what I was getting into. But, oh boy, Den of Vipers still made my eyebrow twitch despite all that.

When I first read it, I loved it. It was the time when I was binge-reading dark and mafia romance so that might be the reason. Since I was already in that headspace, I only got to compare it to the similar tropes I was already reading. But, for the second and third time, I was confused about why I loved it.

Characters

Roxy. The take-no-shit heroine, always angry and swore to fight her kidnappers, but would also jump their bones without hesitation, so there is that.

I did not like her character. She was a typical one in these kinds of books which made me sad. I wanted more strong and angry heroines but, not the one who loses their backbone when a hot guy comes. I do not mind body-betrayal tropes, but that was not executed well in this book.

She was flip-flopping a lot. If she was consistent with what she was saying and (sometimes) thinking then I might like her. But there was none of that.

Ryder. The boss man. The one who needs to always be cold and in control. His character isn’t complex, just a typical alphahole trope.

Maybe I would have liked him if he kept to his role and not said cringey things that would pull me out of my immersion.

Kenzo. The pretty boy. The least crazy among the men. I was actually quite intrigued by him, he was what I hoped was one of the complex characters.

He was the resident charmer with a few hints of insanity which he showed by… switching his facial expressions quickly. I really had too high of expectations from him.

Garrett. The big guy. He was the enforcer and the one who could crush your skull with his bare hands. He was also the hero who hated the heroine (at first, of course).

Man, I also have a lot of expectations from Garrett. If only he did not constantly call Roxy “baby” even during his breakdowns. It did not make me swoon, nope. It was out of place.

Diesel. The crazy guy. No, really, he’s absolutely sick in the head. When I read about his character I actually exclaimed “Yes! Thank f*ck!” I loved him. He was the perfect character to open the story for me.

Alright, disclaimer, just because I love me some crazy man it does not mean I want one in real life. This is fiction. Let’s be mature with critical thinking skills here. Okay? Okay.

Anyway, he was the most complex character among the four and the bar is low. He enjoyed torturing and killing people. But, he would also be holding and caring for Roxy when it was just the two of them. On the other end of that, each time they come together (heh, you got what I mean? No? Okay…) he would also sexually torture her with literal physical torture. Going at it while there was still a fresh dead body beside you was nothing new for me. I was already desensitized by it. I was shocked to see myself reading through all that.

He was all over the place and I loved it. That made me feel icky for liking a character like him. He made me question my morals, goddamn.

When Roxy said something about riding the crazy train I completely agreed.

Nevertheless, these men did not feel like authoritative figures at all. Sure, they would always say that “they run this city” but how they talk does not show that. They felt immature like those bully high school romances with gangs in them. They do not feel like mob bosses. Perhaps it’s because their power was more told to us than shown.

It was my fault for having too high of expectations since I always incorporate powerful people with silence. Which, are not these guys. They talk a lot.

One thing I like most about first-person POVs is that I can see the character’s thought process. However, the characters (especially the men) here might be distinct from each other and each had their own voice but, the supposed maturity they should have did not shine through. Again, I felt like I was reading a bully romance with edgy teenagers more than anything.

Plot

There really is not much to talk about the plot. I don’t think the people who enjoyed this book will talk about the plot at all.

I was intrigued yes. And the smut was one of those “is it legal to like this one?” kind of smut.

It was not amazingly written but the shock value upped the ante, both the smut and the plot points. It pushed my limits and it made me take a peek at my dark side.

Ending

Again, nothing to really talk about. It was the best ending the book could offer. I’m sorry. I really do not have anything to say about the whole plot of this book. It was nothing special.

Rating

When I first read Den of Vipers, I gave it 5 stars. But for the second and third time, I finally saw what I was blinded to see initially and gave it a 3-star.

The only category in my CAWPILE system that had a high score was Intrigue and Enjoyment. Which I gave enjoyment a 10. Everything else was either a meh or a fail.

Despite that, I need to give credit where credit is due. This book stayed in my head for so long. Each time I read a mafia romance after, I would compare it to this. Each time I would encounter obsessive, insane, completely unhinged alphaholes, I would compare it to this. Its craziness stuck in my head, and I consider that impressive since I read a lot. If a book does that to me, then, they did a good job.

Final Thoughts

Do I want a sequel for this series? Hard pass.

Do I recommend this to others? Two words for you. Gore and Porn. If you’re into that, then go for it.

Was this a heavy read? It is heavy on the dark side. Please read with caution and heed the trigger warnings.

Will I read this again? Nope. Not again.

GoodReads | Storygraph | Instagram

[bluekaddis]

OMG I'm dying to know how Cullens and your Garret's reunion looked like! Your Hawke seems quite happy to see him and its rare?

Haha, the full version of the reunion would probably go like this:

Lizzie: Varric’s friend has arrived to Skyhold, and he will help us with the Wardens :3

Cullen: Varric’s friend? You mean...

Garrett: *waves in the distance*

Cullen: ...

Cullen: OK, we need a real estate insurance NOW.

And you are right - Garrett is rather friendly during the reunion. To be honest, I really like the dynamics between my Hawke and Cullen (I feel like I’m filling a Hawke-and-Cullen-not-hating-each-other niche :P). Garrett is a human version of a labrador retriever so it is possible. However, I believe they can be called friends not earlier than during Inquisition, before that their relationship is... too complicated.

To summarize:

ACT I

Garrett uses Cullen as a potential source of information on the Templars’ actions and wants to gain his trust (just like he did with Thrask, for example) so he acts quite friendly towards him. Cullen does not know Hawke is a mage (and in my version he is NOT a Knight-Captain at this point because I can’t imagine Meredith being stupid enough to make a 20 year old her second-in-command after just a few months of service) and is reserved towards a stranger looking for the Templars' money. He accepts Hawke’s help, though.

ACT II

Between 9:31 and 9:33 Garrett is still using Cullen to gain more information on the Templars, but at this point they know each other better, they've fought some demons together and they've  learned to respect each other's skills. Garrett doesn’t really need to pretend to be friendly at this point, he just is. To Cullen Hawke is the closest thing he has to a friend in Kirkwall (which shows just how pathetic Cullen's social life there was) and while he is often annoyed about or tired of Hawke’s behaviour, he actually enjoys his company. Oh, and Cullen still doesn’t know Hawke's identity as a mage.

The friendly feelings mostly disappear in 9:34 when Cullen gets promoted to the rank of Knight-Captain and starts working on investigating the Mage Underground, and Hawke reveals himself publicly as a mage during his fight with the Arishok.

ACT III

They are fully on opposite sides of the barricade. Some weak glimpses of respect and friendly feelings are still there, but it doesn't change much. Hawke sees Cullen as a serious threat and is pretty much done with him and his attitude – this is the time when he is openly hostile towards Cullen and basically tells him to f*ck off. Both are aware that they may end fighting against each other. Finally, they join forces against Meredith, but at that point Garrett was ready to kill (or at least seriously injure) Cullen if it helped him saving more people.

BEFORE INQUISITION

Hawke briefly disappears from Kirkwall but eventually comes back, driven mostly by guilt for having brought the red lyrium to the surface and his wish to protect the city. He reconnects with Aveline and Cullen, and starts working with them from the shadows. As they work for the same cause for the first time in their lives, Hawke and Cullen slowly rebuild trust and companionship between them. Hawke disappears again, right before Cassandra's arrival in the city, to learn more about the Wardens' (especially Carver’s) fate.

[smokeybrand]

Smokey Brand Movie Reviews: Shoot Your Shot

A while back, i remember seeing still of Chloe Moretz in a jumpsuit, wading through ankle deep water. I was curious about what the f*ck i was looking at but not so curious that i would look it up. I enjoy Moretz as an actress. She’s f*cking excellent at her craft and as been since she started working way back when. The problem is, as prolific as her career has become, she picks f*cking terrible roles, man. There are some gems, some really great performances like Hick, Let Me In, and Hugo, but there are a ton of duds, man. Whatever it is she was filming in that jumpsuit, i was a little sus about it. Fast forward to now, the movie apparently dropped in Amazon Prime! It’s a World War II movie called Shadow in the Cloud. Since we’re all still under quarantine and the cinemas aren’t open out here, i said to myself, “F*ck it.” Let’s see what’s up with this thing. My hopes aren't high for it, to be honest. Even in a recovery year following the worst thing to ever happen to Hollywood in the modern era, this thing still got the January dump. Like, wat.

The Good

The first thing you notice about this movie is that dark synth soundtrack. If you know me, if you pay attention to this blog, you know I'm all about that sh*t. Tangerine Dream, Brad Fiedel, and John Carpenter made some of favorite soundtracks for some of my favorite films and Mahuia Bridgman-Cooper might have added to that list of favorite scores, not favorite films. As a film, his one ain’t all that favorable.

I like the editing in this. It has the same energy as the soundtrack which is absolutely necessary for a film like this. Horror movies, similar to animation, live and die by audios cues but without the accompanying cuts, that music is for not. Tom Eagles did an exceptional job putting this film together. There were a decent amount of aesthetic all over this film and i kind of adored it a little it.

The cast is an interesting one. I enjoyed their performances but the actual character writing is a little sus. Most of the males in this film were sacrificed to drive home the prejudice they have for women. Still, these dude’s do a great job with what they have. Taylor John Smith, Beulah Koale, Nick Robinson, Callan Mulvey, Benedict Wall, Joe Witkowski, and Byron Coll, aren’t realistic in any real way but they serve their purpose.

This is definitely a Chloe Moretz vehicle. It’s her movie and she turns in a decent performance as Maude Garrett. it’s wild seeing Moretz in such a heavy action role. She’s been in action movies, of course, but it’s up to her to do the heavy lifting. we spend most of this movie with her in that bubble. She does a fantastic job drawing the viewer in, making them care about the her character. I’d be lying if i said thought I'd be this interested in this movie as much as i am now. Chloe chose well with this one.

This film is mad intense. I was a little surprised by how adept this flick was able to install such rich dread at times, considering the sheer focus on Moretz’s performance, but it pulled it off with gusto. I was white-knuckling at times and, taking into account this one was a January dump, that was a real surprise.

I have to say, from an aesthetic standpoint, this flick is kind of a beauty. I touched on this before but, considering the bulk of this thing takes place in a gunner cockpit, the thing works wonders with the looks of this film. Objective, there is a lot of absolute nothing going on but the way it’s framed, the colors chosen, those cuts to the images in Maude’s head - They all come together to bring a rather interesting and lovely visual.

I rather liked the writing displayed, too. It’s difficult articulating what effectively is a One Woman show but Max Landis does a serviceable job in that respect. I’m not a fan of Landis, himself, he’s quite the scumbag, but i an see the brilliance behind his words onscreen with Moretz’s performance. That might have something to do with his writing partner, though. Roseanne Liang ha a credit on this but i don’t know how much of it as really her word. There are some very Landis-y lines delivered in this but it’s hard for me to think that anything Moretz dropped were all up to him. As far as  i can tell, dude hates women so...

The Bad

I don’t care for war movies. When i was a kid, y uncle would preempt all of my cartoons on Saturday to watch either war flicks or football. I hate both now. In order for a war movie to actually overtake my seething bias, it has to bamboozle me with performance, spectacle, or plot. Shadow did not do this. I wasn’t as engaged as i should have been and, in all honesty, I'll probably never watch this thing ever again but the time I did spend with it was quite engaging. Who knows? Maybe in time I might revisit it. There is a lot to like therein.

Whoo, boy, the messaging in this is not subtle. At all. Sh*t is mad heavy-handed and i kind of resent it. Look, i get it. This film has something to say and it is, one hundred percent, valid to say it but subtlety goes a long way. We were immediately hit over the head with these cartoonish caricatures of asshole men and it’s kind of ridiculous. I mean, there are ways to make this happen without f*cking making the male characters overly obtuse but, goddamn, if this sh*t doesn’t just throw that out the window. Sacrificing the realism of one character to bolster the reality of another makes for lousy character writing. There was too much sacrificed to give this thing that raucous Grrrrl power energy and i think that takes away from the film overall. It’ll definitely alienate those with weaker masculinity, for sure.

Not one hundred percent on board with the gremlin design. It looks a little wonky. I imagine it’s some sort of bat derivative because of reasons but i don’t particularly like it. I don’t know if it’s because I'm coloring this thing with my bias for the old timey Gremlins films gremlins, it’ hard to beat Stripe and Mohawk, but this thing feels like a good punch to the face will do it in. As hard as they try to make it a threat, this motherf*cker did no damage on it’s own. Like, Moretz, who is kind of a tiny chick, kept beating this thing’s ass.

This thing is kind of uneasy in terms of tone. I’ve read that other reviews had said it’s three or four films in one and i an totally see that. I don’t think that’s a detriment to what the filmmakers were trying to do but i can see how others might be turned of by the tonal whiplash.

Verdict

I rather liked this movie. It gave me a ton of Overlord vibes and i ended up liking that movie way more than i expected. I can’t say i like Shadow in the Cloud enough to watch it repeatedly but, as time goes on, maybe? What i know for sure is that this thing didn’t deserve the January dump. It’s much, much, better than that, kind of like how Underwater is much better than it had any right to be for a January wasteland sacrifice. 2020 threw everything off and this flick might have been a casualty of that because, i think, if it was released in theaters, Shadow would have done fine. Chloe Moretz is pretty bad ass as Maude and carries this sometimes uneven film but she, herself, is more than enough to keep the audience engaged. Her supporting cast is a little over-the-top but they mean well and they perform amiably, great foils to Moretz’s obvious vehicle. There is a great deal here to like, from the dope ass synth soundtrack t the interesting visual cues and the hilariously cliche chauvinist banter. It can definitely be mad heavy handed with it’s politics but, if you can separate that from the actual film presented, i think you’ll have a decent time. Shadow in the Cloud isn’t the best film ever but it is a strong start to 2021.

That score is so good, dude. I can’t get it out of my head.

[acecasinova]

Today’s dnd session was GREAT and TERRIBLE oh man

It was an attempted “team bonding” fungeon (fun dungeon) because we’re all a bunch of a**holes who won’t get the f*ck along with each other

Highlights include:

Fion, the newest member and an elf, licking his hand after it was kissed by our multiple time benefactor Heir Weisgeld.

Garrett found the fried unicorn dick saleswoman and Waywocket ate a flower

Garrett slept with Weisgeld and Waywocket very frankly informed the group that “He would die in the forest. But he’s nice”

Everyone ragged on the sh*tty carnival “fungeon” the whole way through and pissed the dude running it off

We  got stuck on the “Constructive criticism” room and half the party couldn’t do it without also slinging some insults

Garrett and Epoche failed BOTH saves for the Zone of Truth rooms and Secrets Were Had (Not that the others tried to lie)

Garrett nearly used his fireball spell the first time through, when the “wizard” was pretending to be a dragon

The “prize” after the sh*tty run was a trapped chest that swapped everyone with the person they’d given criticism to

Epoche saw from the outside what her doing everything looked like

Garrett was horrified by how uncharismatic Waywocket is and by how little offensive spells she had (but still got the kill)

Irren finally got to be thrown as a small creature and made a horrific attempt at flirting. She enjoyed fire spells and cantrips a lot

Waywocket liked being tall and Fion liked being strong

We really, really did not appreciate the “wizard” running after failing to down and rob us.

As in we gave chase

So much chase

I think the DM forgot Garrett has Counterspell, which I used three times to thwart the casting of Dimension door

The DM now hates Hold person

The DM also now hates Guidance

The DM’s nice little reoccurring villain got arrested in a throw away town called “Burgerville”

The head guard in Burgerville is the cousin of the one in the town we’d just left, who had sent a letter warning him about us

We ended the session with an impromptu party bath, to teach the wonders of fancy body care products and hair upkeep to the... wilder party members

...Highlights included pretty much the whole session, whoops. But that’s because it was all p great

[goodailynews]

MACKLEMORE is set to make a serious splash this weekend in Australia for his NRL Grand Final performance on Sunday. It's no secret the Grammy award-winning rapper has a tendency to be a little controversial and now he's stirring up waves in Oz. .................................................................................................. [HOT] Sam and Phoebe reveal what really goes on at Dally Ms : ♫ https://youtu.be/nx5-cDU-AiY [HOT] Fixer Upper Ending With Season 5 : ♫ https://youtu.be/JTguRatKTSo [HOT] Khloe Kardashian 'Cried Tears Of Joy' After Finding Out She Was Pregnant With Tristan's Baby : ♫ https://youtu.be/dmDWkfDHJis [HOT] Superstore's Colton Dunn: Garrett 'Hates That He Might Love' Dina : ♫ https://youtu.be/86GDGXjFFH8 [HOT] Why Jackman's voting Yes for SSM : ♫ https://youtu.be/__N7nBjwZD8 .................................................................................................. SUBSCRIBE: https://goo.gl/Gd5aaC FACEBOOK: https://goo.gl/ybp8jQ TWITTER: https://goo.gl/o24hEF ✖ Follow GOO Daily News channel(SUBSCRIBE) to look for that. GOO Daily News - New videos evreyday! MONDAY - SUNDAY. Thanks for watching! Background music video is allowed by FreeBackgroundMusic. Please visit their channel to view more: FreeBackgroundMusic: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzdbJ_mnXo5tf-4hVNgJ5Wg Thank you! .................................................................................................. ...[continued]... a bowl cut wig. Many saw his costume as an anti-Semitic Jewish caricature - and a surprising move for an artist who prides himself on being an outspoken equality advocate. Macklemore copped some serious backlash from fans and celebs alike, including Jewish actor Seth Rogen. The rapper was reportedly shocked people had interpreted his outfit as offensive and tweeted what he thought would set the record straight. Several stars felt the rapper clearly needed to educate himself. Following the outcry, Macklemore posted a lengthier apology on his blog, stating: 'I acknowledge how the costume could, within a context of stereotyping, be ascribed to a Jewish caricature. I am here to say that it was absolutely not my intention, and unfortunately at the time I did not foresee the costume to be viewed in such regard.' 9/11 truther? One tweet written by a pre-fame Macklemore in 2009 is still haunting the rapper - even though he's yet to delete it. In the tweet, he suggests then-President George Bush was behind the 9/11 terror attacks: While some took it as a joke, others were absolutely baffled at his claim and many thought Macklemore had 'lost the plot'. 'LAWLZ!! Grammy winner @macklemore is a tinfoil helmet wearing truther,' wrote one Twitter user. Grammys backlash Fans had a lot to say after the 2014 Grammy Awards, when Macklemore walked away with four trophies while critically acclaimed black rapper Kendrick Lamar scored zilch. The controversy and backlash came after Macklemore screenshoted and shared a text message he'd sent to Lamar, which said in part: 'It's weird and it sucks that I robbed you.' Even fellow rapper Drake weighed in on the matter. He told Rolling Stone, 'It felt cheap. It didn't feel genuine. Why do that?' 'That sh*t was [whack] as f*ck,' Drake continued. Marriage equality The rapper is currently stirring a new storm in Australia due to his upcoming performance this weekend at the NRL Grand Final. Macklemore's being

[letterstochristopher]

Letters to Chris. May 30th. Day 52.

Hey Buddy,

My grief has been evolving. I feel it changing into something else, something darker and harder to deal with. I think the reality of losing you has begun to set in, and it's too much. It's so weird how grief morphs over time...It's not like at any point I ever believed you would "come back to life." I think I was still in the denial phase. Since we haven't lived in the same state for a few years, it has been easy to believe you were still in Minnesota...waking up for work in the mornings, hanging out with little Carter, grilling your amazing steaks, hanging out with friends, looking forward to coming home again to visit...living. Breathing. But the reality is, you're not. You're not doing any of those things. I don't know what you're doing now. And that's so f*cking terrible. I want to know what you do during your days, what you think about, what you laugh about. What your world looks like. I hate not knowing, not being able to be a part of your new life. You feel so far away and it destroys me. You've done so much to show me you're okay, and I'm so grateful. So I'm sorry that I complain about you being gone. But it's just the way it is. You're gone and I miss you. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that you were here and I took you for granted. I always thought I had tomorrow to call you and say I love you. I just can't fathom it. How the hell did I not call you every single day to make sure you were doing okay? What the f*ck was wrong with me?

God, I suck.

The past few days have been some of the hardest yet. I know of the "stages of grief." They are by no means linear, but more like a squiggly line that has no end and no beginning. Mom actually sent me a meme about that the other day. Two side by side depictions of grief, one "normal," with the linear line going through the five stages, and then ours, a squiggly mess. Of course it was a joke. There's no such thing as normal when it comes to grief. Knowing that helps. Nothing is normal, yet anything and everything is normal. Because it's easy to be down on myself about how I'm doing. Some days are better than others. Some days I think I'm processing healthily and will be okay. I work out, take the dogs on long walks, care about how I look, laugh a lot. Other days I struggle to motivate myself to do anything. Cleaning? Forget it. Cooking? Hell no. Taking the dogs out? Clay can do that. If I didn't have a job that forced me to get out of bed, I'm sure there are days I just wouldn't. Today would have been one of them. I didn't need to be in until 2:30, so I stayed under the covers cuddling your clothes until 1:30. It doesn’t help that the stress is still destroying my skin. I feel like I have aged 10 years. Confidence issues on top of everything else blows. I want to hide all the time. As you can see, I'm super productive. 

Pretty sure this is the depression phase. I want to go back to denial.

I actually didn't cry Friday or Saturday night. I know...wow, right? We were in Chicago celebrating a dear friend's wedding, and it was a much-needed reunion with our Kansas City friends. I love Chicago. I have been there twice before, but the last time was 2010 when Clay and I first started dating. I absolutely fell in love with it, and have always wanted to go back. You would love it. Probably not to live in, but to visit. And you would LOVE Garrett's. It's a popcorn place that makes the best damn caramel popcorn you'll ever eat. Yes, better than movie theater popcorn. Clay was a skeptic until he tasted it. There's a reason there's always a crazy long line every time. But anyways (sorry...always getting distracted by food), in the days leading up to flying out, I was honestly dreading leaving. Not because I didn't want to see everyone, but because lately the thought of being around a lot of people overwhelms me. And I've lost my ability to celebrate right now...it just feels weird. How can I celebrate anything when you aren't here? How can I laugh and be happy when my little brother has left me? I know this is normal, but it makes me feel like an asshole. Yet I'm so so glad we went. It was such a beautiful wedding. The bride has been such a wonderful friend for several years, and I was so grateful for the privilege of seeing her walk down the aisle. We got to hang with our friends and explore Chicago, which I know was good for me. I ate Garrett's popcorn and chocolate gelato (which was as good as the gelato I ate in Italy, I sh*t you not), went on an architecture boat ride, visited Millennium Park and the Navy Pier, got caught in a crazy down pour, shopped Zara with Court (a tradition whenever we visit big cities together). It was a wonderful weekend. I just adore all my girlfriends that were there. They all know what happened to us, and have been so very supportive. It wasn't until we were leaving that I opened up about my struggle with coming, how I don't know how to be around people anymore. I used to look forward to hanging out with people. Now I feel so alone even when surrounded by friends. Remember my island analogy? Yeah. Everyone is way over there, laughing and happy. Enjoying their life, looking forward to their futures, planning, excited. And over here is me, trying my best just to get out of bed in the mornings, clutching my brother's clothes because it's all I have left.

The day after we got back, I became this ball of absolute and unstoppable fury. Without warning. Clay and I went to our cousin's BBQ, which was a good time, and I was excited to learn that a Trader Joes was right down the street. That was my favorite store back in KC, and I have only been to one a couple times since we moved. So we decided to pay it a visit on our way home. For whatever reason, I lost my shit when we walked in. I just became so angry. I always know why, but I don't know what the triggers are. I wanted nothing more than to fight with Clay. He knows better, and won't take the bait, which made me even angrier. By the time we got home, I was a mess. I climbed in bed and held your shirts close to my chest and couldn't stop crying. I haven't cried like that yet. Where I couldn't breathe, couldn't think...where I want nothing more than to make it stop hurting. I get scared when I get to that point. I worry about what steps I would take to make the pain go away. At this point, I think it's the people in my life keeping me here. I couldn't do anything to put our family or Clay through any more heartache. 

I feel like I've lost myself. Who am I without you? Will I figure this out? Will I ever feel like myself again?

Mom and Dad sent me an email about free counseling through the Guard. So I reached out to my contact person yesterday. I haven't heard back, but am hoping she'll get back to me this week sometime. I need someone to help me process this. I also was going to the Heartbeat Support Group tonight. Clay picked me up from work and we showed up to an empty parking lot. Apparently they moved the meeting to last week, but failed to update their website. I was pretty upset about that. Even though I was nervous, I was looking forward to being surrounded by people who know exactly what I'm going through. So now I'll have to wait until the last Tuesday of next month. Disappointing, but it is what it is. I'm grateful to have a group even if it is only once a month. I had brought one of your shirts with me to work so I'd have it tonight in the meeting. I think I'm just going to start keeping it in my purse so I have it with me at all times. It helps. Katrina said she wished she could fly me out next week to go to her support group. If only! Maybe one day. That would be so awesome. (By the way, she's hoping to come out in September to visit for the Walk Out of the Darkness walk. Fingers crossed.)

Tonight, I put your clothes away. It was so f*cking hard. I honestly hated it...I felt like I was burying you. They have been sitting in a folded pile on top of our dresser on my side of the bedroom. I just had to, though...the constant reminder just destroys me. I keep using that word. Destroy. But it's the only word that seems appropriate. I kept a few of your shirts out to sleep with. And while half of your shirts are in my dresser, in the drawer closest to my side of the bed, the other half are in your military backpack right by my pillow. That was the hardest thing I've had to do in a while. Clay had to remind me that it's not like I'm moving on...I just need some order. That helped. 

Nikea and I talked yesterday. She said she and Mom put your stuff in tubberware containers to keep it all safe. I had organized it all, but many of the boxes didn't have lids so your things were sitting out in the open. Mom had already been crying when Nikea showed up to help...she had just finished a load of your laundry. I think she's been doing laundry ever since I left. It helps her to feel like she's taking care of you. It's been hard on Mom...a lot of your things are missing and we aren't sure what happened. They may have been tossed, or maybe still in your old camper. It makes her hurt that you didn't have a ton of stuff. So Nikea and I remind her that you were a bachelor...a 25 year old guy doesn't want a bunch of stuff. Clay didn't have any real fancy things before I showed up. Besides, if you wanted something you would have bought it. That made her feel better. But she's your mama, and will always be protective of you. As we all will be. I'm so glad we get to keep your things. Mom will never get rid of anything. When I come home in June I will be getting your old coffee maker, toaster, uniform and that huge firefighter blanket. I may grab a pair of your pajama pants, too, since I cannot for the life of me find the ones I wore of yours while home (seriously, wtf happened to them??). I'm going to love having something of yours in our kitchen and living room. And Clay's happy, because he has wanted a toaster forever. So we can think of you every time we brew coffee or make toast. Not like we don't...I mean it when I say I think about you every single second. Still. Brushing my teeth, talking to patients, watching TV, walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning, sleeping...you're always there. 

I heard your voice this morning. It may have been a dream, but you said, "hello," and it woke me up. It was your voice. I've never had a dream wake me up like that before. Was it you?

Anyway. I love you, Buddy. So f*cking much. Every second of every minute of every day I am missing you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

[kitkatwinchester]

UMMMM

Excuse you?!

So, for the record, my Jackson vibes in the sense that Garrett was bad news were CLEARLY CORRECT. Although he's clearly a LOT worse than Jackson, because Jackson really ultimately wasn't a bad guy, and I sincerely doubt that that's the case with Garrett.

Also, what the f*ck?! His girlfriend's thing is, like, a freaking laser fire choker thingie and I just...the f*ck?!

You know what? I bet you Garrett ordered the keg just so he could get that werewolf on the scene so that his girlfriend could kill him, and that's SMART, which is BAD, because smart villains, are scary villains, and WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.

So you're telling me there are MULTIPLE assassins?

That's awesome. That's great. Beautiful. Love that for us.

Anyways.

In some POSITIVE news, those Stalia and Scira scenes were adorable and I LOVE THOSE TWO COUPLES SO MUCH (I CAN SAY COUPLES NOW BECAUSE SCIRA IS CANON! <3)!!

Scott and Kira working together to contain Liam and eventually tie him up was great (though, why didn't Scott just Alpha up? Was that an intentional choice because of the full moon, or...? 'Cause, like, he bit Liam, which already makes him Liam's Alpha by default, but also, he's a freaking TRUE ALPHA, so I really don't see why a good old Alpha roar wouldn't contain Liam all on its own. But yeah, I suppose the full moon maybe could have affected the change and made it hard for him to control it, so...I'll allow it.). I loved Kira's concern after she knocked him out, and then her and Scott's whole little conversation where they're both clearly already so affectionate towards and protective of this kid (though, as an aside, he is literally two years younger than you, Scott. You say "only fifteen" like he's half your age or something. XD). So sweet. <3

And then STILES AND MALIA AHHHH!!!

Stiles being so insistent that he wouldn't leave her, and that he knew she wouldn't hurt him, all while blaming it on the fact that he doesn't like parties, was just the sweetest and most wholesome thing. And Malia being clearly worried and upset that she might hurt Stiles, but also so undeniably Malia with how up front she was about how much she wanted to kill him was adorably hilarious. Also, I just love how calm and collected Stiles is with Malia's struggle with the change. Like, everything he's been through with Scott up to this point ("Surprisingly enough, you're not the first person to ever say something like that." XD) has made this kind of thing pretty normal for him (wow that's kind of a sad thought, ngl), and he's honestly more worried for her than he is scared of her, and I love that. <3 I honestly really do love their relationship so much. I feel like their chemistry is really fun, and while they may not balance each other quite as well as Stiles and Lydia do (in my opinion), they clearly care about each other, and I feel like they can teach each other a lot, and that in itself makes for a really special relationship. <3

Anyways I love our little couples and our little pack and I hate that we have assassins on the loose but let's hope we can get everything with Liam figured out so that that can be next on the docket.

(Neither of these are the scenes I was talking about, but they are both VERY cute scenes with these couples and I can't wait until I actually get to see both of these. <3 <3 <3)