#fahc fanfic

[roosterbirds]

forget fahc golden boy, i want fahc mad scientist gav, the golden boy who retreated from the streets and dove in to the lab to make insane robots and machines, whose boredom will be very dangerous. the maniacal mad scientist who constantly blows up his lab but creates insane new gadgets and stuff for the gang's maximum chaos. he's too dangerous to arrest because he might literally blow up the city.

[heisttheblackflag]

hey gang, @ursifors gave me brainworms so I banged out a little origin fic about the brands in his outlaw au. (I took a little creative liberty for one of them, I hope that's okay!)

go check out his art though it's SO GOOD

[darks-ink]

Matt the Cat

Based on the “Matt is a cat” AU by @somegrumpynerd and @keeningthoughts / @keen-arts. A lot of scenes and plot points are taken from their various posts, as well as some (bits of) conversation. I've really enjoyed seeing their posts cross my dash and while watching Uno: Infinite this weekend got inspired to take a shot at writing a short one-shot for the AU. Anyway I kinda missed the mark on the "short" part but it was fun, so. Enjoy!

Sometimes you just have to revisit the fandom that first got you to write fanfics, back in *checks watch* 2016. Anyway I also haven't written AH fics since then so apologies if I didn't quite get everyone right.

Fandom: Achievement Hunter (RPF) Rating: Gen Words: 8,699 Additional Tags: Fake AH Crew, Alternate universe, Humor, Friendship, Mistaken identity, Canon-typical shenanigans

Summary: Hearing the stories of new crew members Jeremy and Trevor, the Fakes quickly decided that this "Matt" must be their cat. It was the only logical assumption! They were mistaken.

Also on AO3!

---

The door clicked shut behind Trevor, and he looked at the people already in the room. The Fake AH Crew were a fearsome presence, even if he had already been accepted into their midst. Him, Jeremy, standing by his side, and Matt, safe at home.

“Finally,” the big man himself, Geoff Ramsey, sighed, waving the two of them further into the room. “Come on, grab a seat. We’ve been waiting forever.”

“Well, you could’ve sent the address a little earlier than five minutes beforehand,” Jeremy snarked back, then immediately went pale as they realized what they’d done.

But Jack Pattillo, the crew’s second, just grinned back. “I like these guys. We’re keeping them, right?”

“We hired them already, I sure fucking hope so.” Geoff shot her a tired look, beckoning them inwards. “Come on dickheads, go sit down.”

“You already gave them the address to our apartment anyway,” Michael Jones pointed out, leaning back in his chair. “Bit late to tell them to fuck off now.”

“Unless we killed them,” Jack said, fake-casually.

“Please don’t.” Trevor pulled back a chair so he could sit down, and saw Jeremy doing the same from the corner of his eye. “I like being alive, personally.”

Jack hummed thoughtfully. “And it’s just the two of you, right?”

“Us, and Matt back home,” Jeremy answered dutifully, shifting in their seat to look more casual than they likely felt. “We’re all sharing the same apartment.”

“Right,” she said, a slight crease between her brows. Trevor couldn’t place its meaning. He knew it wasn’t something about the three of them living together—the crew had a similar living situation—but he didn’t know what else. Maybe that Matt, as the hacker, was staying home instead of coming over to meet the rest of the crew? Maybe they should’ve brought him here, and then back home to his set-up?

“Anyway, Geoff, go ahead and tell us the plan before you burst.”

He heaved a gusty sigh. “Yes, Jack, thank you. If we can all please focus on the job instead of the new hires?” Geoff looked around the room, then nodded resolutely. “Good. Here’s what we’re doing—"

---

Lindsay shifted slightly, leaning against their car, fingers rattling against the side of their phone. On its screen a baking video played, which they were half paying attention to. Well. Maybe a little more than half. That was fine! They could multi-task.

It had been a few weeks since their new crew members, Trevor and Jeremy, had joined. They were glad for it—the two of them had been a lot of fun to have around, and had come out of their shells quickly. Trevor looked so serious and dry but had quickly shown himself to have quick wit and a delightful weirdness to him, and Lindsay wouldn’t say no to having another non-binary crewmember around, especially one as fun as Jeremy.

Not to mention the sheer chaos those two had introduced by mentioning someone called “Matt”, who apparently lived with them, and then never saying anything else about him. Well. They thought Matt was a him. Quite frankly, they didn’t know anything about this ‘Matt’, outside of the fact that he—they?—lived with Trevor and Jeremy.

The sound of a car door thrown shut made them look up, automatically pausing the video on their phone. Speak of the devil.

Trevor threw the other door of the car shut, turning to Jeremy. “Did you give Matt water before we left?”

“Yeah,” Jeremy confirmed, shouldering their bag. “He was sleeping on the desk again when I went in.”

“He’s gonna hurt himself one of these days doing that,” Trevor grumbled, shaking his head. “He has a perfectly fine bed!”

“But why sleep in a bed if you can sleep on a desk?” Jeremy grinned, and Trevor just clicked his tongue in response as the two of them came up to Lindsay. “Hey Lindsay. Sorry to keep you waiting.”

They stuffed their phone into their pocket, the newly gained information running through their mind. “It’s fine, that’s the downside of not having you guys in the apartment yet.”

It all made sense now! Obviously Matt wasn’t a person who Trevor and Jeremy were keeping in the dark—or had informed without telling the crew. Matt was a pet. And, by the sound of it, he might’ve been a cat, even! What other pet would sleep on desks?

“True, true.” Trevor nodded at the car they were still leaning against. “Are we driving further on from here?”

“Nah, it’s just around the corner.” They pushed themself away from the car, and mentally shoved the newly gained revelation away as well. Excitement about cats would have to wait until after the job. But! They would definitely bring it up with the rest. If they invited Trevor and Jeremy into the apartment with them, obviously the two would bring their cat, and then the crew would finally have their long-awaited pet!

And Gavin would be thrilled if they gained a crew cat!

---

“You can’t just keeping saying he’s a cat without proof, Lindsay!”

“Why not? It’s the truth!” They waved their hands around, gesturing wildly. “Besides, what proof? They said it, isn’t that enough?”

“Did they say Matt is a cat, though?” Gavin pointed out, frowning. He didn’t think Lindsay would lie about this on purpose, but, well. Sometimes things happened.

A lot of times things happened. This crew really wasn’t good at clear communication.

They rolled their eyes. “As good as. But if you don’t believe me, ask yourself.” They pointed. “See, there’s Jeremy.”

He followed their finger and, indeed, there was Jeremy. Gavin waved at them, “Oi, Jeremy! Come over for a sec, will you?”

“Uh, yeah, I got a moment.” They came over, looking between him and Lindsay. “What’s up, Gav?”

“You have a cat, right?” Lindsay asked, grinning at Jeremy. “Can we see a picture?”

Jeremy blinked, visibly confused. “Yeah…? I mean, sure.” They pulled their phone out of their pocket, swiftly unlocking it and swiping through the gallery.

“Let’s see… Oh, this is a good one.” They turned the phone around, showing the two of them the screen. On it was a photo of a longhaired tabby, lazing on a cat bed. “One of the few times I’ve been him actually using that cat bed.”

“Oh, what a cutie!” Lindsay complimented, adoration heavy in their voice. And Gavin had to agree. It was a very cute cat. He… He really kind of missed having a cat. Unfortunately neither he nor Lindsay had been able to convince Geoff to get a shared crew cat for the apartment. Or any kind of pet, really. Geoff kept countering that having the lot of them was basically the same as having pets.

“He’s great,” he chimed in. “Thanks Jeremy. If you guys ever move in, will you bring him?”

“That’s the plan.” Jeremy pocketed their phone again, looking between the two of them. “Uh. Was that all?”

He offered an awkward grin. “Yeah, sorry. We were just curious.”

“Ah, that’s fine. I wasn’t in a rush anyway.” Jeremy inclined their head. “But I’ll get going then. Have a good day, Gav, Lindsay.”

“You too! Thanks for showing us your cat!” Lindsay waved them goodbye, and they watched as Jeremy left. “See, I told you.”

Michael snorted, still lounging on a chair behind them. “Yeah Gav, they told you. That’s what you get for doubting Lindsay.”

“Like you believed them,” Gavin countered, rolling his eyes. “Come on. It’s not my bloody fault this crew is rife with miscommunication.”

“Well, not this time.” Lindsay pulled a haughty expression, looking down on him. “Next time, you’ll believe me right from the start.”

“Yeah, yeah, alright,” he agreed easily. “Next time, no matter how ridiculous, I won’t doubt you.”

---

“Ugh,” Geoff grumbled, pulling the next sheet of paper towards him. He had hired an entire team of people to deal with the boring bureaucratic part of running a criminal gang, and still he got tons of paperwork to deal with.

Stupid. Why had he ever agreed to this stupid idea. He should’ve just made Jack boss. She never had to deal with this bullshit anymore. He would’ve made a great right-hand man to her!

He looked at the paper. Ah. Crew payroll. At least this was easy. Just check over it to make sure everything made sense, then sign off on it. Easy peasy.

Oh, yeah. This was the first payroll since they hired Trevor and Jeremy, wasn’t it? He’d have to take a good look at it, then, to make sure everything was right. He trusted the B-team to do everything right, but this would be just the right moment to sneak something in.

Yep, both of their new crew members had been added. Good, good. And. Uh.

“Huh,” he muttered, frowning at the sheet of paper. A third new name had joined the list. Right between Jeremy and Trevor was Matt. As in. Their cat, Matt? He’d even been given the same kind of payout as Jeremy and Trevor, as a new full-time crew member.

“That… makes no sense.” He heaved a sigh, then pushed himself up from his desk. He’d probably been working too long. Time to get a reality check from his beloved second.

Barely remembering to grab the crew’s payroll before leaving his office, he wandered over to the living room. There he found Jack and Michael, playing a game on the tv. Instead of looking what they were doing, he just held out the sheet of paper, blocking her view. “Jack.”

“Geoffrey,” she responded, leaning to the side to look around the paper. “I’m kind of in the middle of something.”

“So am I.” He shook the paper, the sound of it lost over the noise of the tv. “Why are we paying a cat?”

“Huh?” She looked away from the tv for a moment, then swore as Michael cackled. “Why are you asking me? B-team takes care of all that stuff.”

Michael snorted over the sound of his mashing buttons on a controller. “That cat must be doing good work, Geoff.”

“Must be,” Jack agreed absent-mindedly, leaning a little further to the side. “Geoff, seriously, move.”

He looked between the two of them, then back to the sheet of paper. “Unbelievable,” he muttered, but stepped away. Apparently he was the only one in this goddamn crew who thought it was weird they were including a cat in their payroll.

Well. Whatever. He still had plenty of boring paperwork to work through. If he spent any time on figuring out this bullshit he’d just lose even more time to it. As long as that goddamn cat wasn’t earning more than the rest of the crew it wasn’t worth the hassle.

He dropped the paper back onto his desk and signed it with a flourish.

---

“—so we’re mostly casual about the stuff here,” Lindsay explained as they showed him the kitchen in the crew’s shared apartment. “Like, don’t touch anything that anybody signed, but otherwise it’s pretty much a free game.”

“Right.” Alfredo nodded. “Even though I don’t live here?”

“Well, it’s not like you’re the only one,” they pointed out, quirking an eyebrow at him. “Trevor and Jeremy have been with us for months and they’re still living in their own apartment. Besides,” they paused to give him a look, “you’ll probably lose your own stuff to the crew as well when you put it in there.”

“Fair enough.” He looked away at the rustling of a jacket to see Trevor coming up to them.

“You’re good taking care of Fredo’s introduction alone, right, Lindsay?” he asked as he pulled on his coat.

They hummed. “Yeah, I’ve got it.” Trevor nodded and turned around.

“Oh, and Trevor,” they interrupted him, waiting a moment for him to turn back around. “Please tell Matt he’s a good boy for me?”

“Yeah, of course,” Trevor agreed easily, nodding again. “I’ll head out then. See you two tomorrow.”

“See you,” Alfredo replied automatically, as he turned that conversational twist in his mind. Tell Matt he was a good boy…? Who the hell was Matt?

Lindsay, clearly picking up on his thoughts, shot him a wide grin. “Matt is Trevor and Jeremy’s cat, and he’s the main reason why they haven’t moved into the apartment yet. There’s a little more logistics involved in moving in two people and their cat, especially if all three are used to sharing a tiny apartment.”

“Right,” he agreed. That made sense. “And you just… ask them to tell their cat he’s a good boy for you?”

“Oh yeah, absolutely.” They shrugged, unrepentant. “That, or I ask them to give him a hug for me. Man, I can’t wait for them to move in. I really want to give that cat a pat myself.”

“You haven’t met him?” he asked skeptically, quirking a brow. “How do you know he’s a good cat?”

“All cats are good cats, duh.” They winked. “And I’ve seen photos, and heard the boys talking about him. Great cat.”

Well, fair enough. He couldn’t argue with that.

---

Jeremy dropped another empty box on the floor of Matt’s office. “There, do you think that’s enough?”

“Should be,” he agreed, spinning around on his chair. “If not we’ll have to grab another box or two. Do we have enough for the rest of the house?”

“Trevor is coming back with a few more boxes, that should do the trick.” They looked over the boxes littered around the office, some half-filled with stuff that could be packed away already. “You got us a storage box to put the house stuff in, right?”

Matt gasped dramatically. “Jeremy, you doubt me? I said I would take care of it and I did.”

“Just making sure,” they assured him, rolling their eyes. “You’re almost done with that hacking thing, right? So we can focus on packing afterwards?”

“Yeah, the last thing is running now. After that it’s just the finishing touches and that should be that.”

“Good, good.” The lock of their front door rattled, and Jeremy tensed for a moment before recognizing the sound of a key in the lock. “Hey Treh.”

“Hey Jer,” Trevor called back from the door, soon followed by the click of the door and then the sound of cardboard hitting the floor. “Thanks for letting me in.”

“No problem man,” they said, grinning at him as he walked in the office. “Everything went well?”

Trevor hummed. “Yeah. They’ll clear out a room for us tomorrow, and one for Fredo as well. Oh, also…”

He leaned over, patting Matt on the head. “That’s from Gavin. He asked me to tell you you’re a “good good boy”.”

“Oh.” Matt grinned wide, a pleased expression on his face. “Thanks. I should tell everyone thanks once we’re there. They’ve been so nice to us.”

“Especially to you,” Trevor said, clicking his tongue. “Maybe I want to be told I’m a good boy for once instead of always acting like the messenger.”

“You are a good boy, Trevor.” Jeremy grinned at him, even as they were connecting the dots in their head. Oh my god. The reason why everyone in the crew was acting so weird was because they thought Matt was a cat. That is why Lindsay and Gavin had asked to see their cat all that time ago.

Oh, this was just too funny! They would have to make sure that no one saw Matt during the move. It had been almost six months since they had joined the crew and no one had figured it out yet. If they kept that up while living in the same apartment…

They hastily shoved down their chuckles. Couldn’t let Trevor and Matt in on the joke. Their reactions would be so good if they found out at the same time as the crew.

“We should make sure Buddy stays in the office,” they pointed out, during the lull in conversation. “At least that first week or so, until he’s settled in.”

“Oh, yeah, good idea,” Trevor agreed, nodding. “Wouldn’t want him to get in anyone’s way.”

“Except mine, apparently,” Matt grumped half-heartedly. “But yeah. That way he won’t accidentally escape the apartment either. And having a familiar person and place will probably help.”

“Exactly.” Alright. Step one: complete. Oh, this was so exciting!

---

Lindsay reclined further in their chair, casually swiping at their phone screen to scroll. Opposite of them Trevor was sitting more neatly, but equally casual, leafing through a book. It had only been a few days since he and Jeremy had moved in, but already they wandered around the house like they had lived there for months.

Well, not entirely surprising, considering that they’d been around for months already, but still. The only sad part was that they hadn’t seen Matt yet. Apparently the cat was staying in their room for now.

They hear a door open and looked up automatically; Michael was supposed to be done soon with his job. But as they did so, they realized that’s not what they heard. The front door had a different sound to it, a click of the lock being undone and re-locked. This was the sound of one of the room doors.

Trevor looked up from his book as well, and together they watch a bedraggled long-haired man wander out of the hallway with bedrooms. The man, seeing them looking, waved as he headed towards the kitchen.

Before they can say anything, Trevor called out to him, “Make sure to grab a snack while you’re out there, Matt!”

“Yeah,” the man—Matt?!?—called back, “I was planning to.”

“Okay, just making sure.” And with that, Trevor just turned back to his book. Zero comment.

Lindsay looked back to the kitchen once more, taking in the man standing there. Long dark hair, big loose clothing, casually grabbing a snack to go with his refilled bottle of water.

Huh. Matt must be some kind of werecat, then. Sometimes a cat, sometimes a human person. But if no one had mentioned it clearly they didn’t want to talk about it, and, well. Lindsay wasn’t rude enough to ignore that.

Buuuut they can bring it up later when Gavin gets back. He would hear her out, no problem.

---

Alfredo grunted, blinking up at his ceiling. Not that he could see it in the dark, but still. Goddamn him.

No. Goddamn Lindsay and Gavin for those stupid damn stories. For days they’ve been telling everyone in the crew—bar Jeremy and Trevor—about Matt the cat not being an actual cat but a fucking werecat. Like, really?

But apparently the thought had wormed its way into his head anyway, because he can’t stop thinking about it now. He had started thinking that they’re pulling some kind of elaborate prank on him, because those two had moved in at the same time as him yet he hadn’t seen their cat in the past few days, but no, apparently not. Because today a long-haired brown cat had run out of their room, only to be grabbed by Jeremy and escorted back in, chastised for leaving. And Alfredo knew he heard Jeremy say the name Matt when they went into their room.

Ugh. Well, if he’s up he might as well grab himself a drink from the kitchen. It was—he looked at his alarm—way past midnight, so no one else should be up. That should save him from an awkward conversation.

He rolled out of bed, yawning widely and he pulled open his door. At least there was enough ambient light in the apartment itself that he didn’t need to turn on any lights. The last thing he needed now was to wake himself up even further with that bullshit.

But, really. A werecat? Their only evidence was that Lindsay had apparently seen Matt as a long-haired man, and that Trevor had greeted him by name. Gavin, despite the vehemence with which he agreed with Lindsay, apparently didn’t even have any proof himself. He just believed them without a doubt.

Unbelievable, Alfredo thought to himself, and then realized there was already someone in the kitchen just before he stepped inside.

He yelped, throwing his hand over his mouth immediately to muffle the sound.

On the other side of the open doorway the burglar(?) jerked, startled by the sound, almost dropping whatever they were holding in their hand. A… bottle? Huh.

“Oh my god,” the man gasped out, quiet as a whisper. “Alfredo, you scared the shit out of me.”

“What—?” he hissed back, automatically matching volume. What kind of intruder would say that? Or know his name?

“Just grabbing a drink,” the man held up the bottle of water. The… The long-haired man. Oh, no. No no no. “Sorry, I need to finish up some hacking stuff for tomorrow. Talk later?”

“Uh, yeah, sure man,” he replied automatically, taking in the stranger’s appearance. Fuck him. Lindsay had been right. There was the undeniable evidence: the man with long dark hair, matching the cat he’d seen exactly.

What the fuck.

He definitely should’ve stayed in fucking bed, fuck him.

---

Jeremy leaned back in their chair, watching the tv with the rest of the crew. The game they had been playing had turned extremely competitive, with plenty of yelling and screaming, and Jeremy had bailed so they could oversee the chaos.

Specifically, so they could see the incoming chaos Matt was about to bring, since the yelling was sure to draw him out.

They had been feeding the flames all week, and still no one had properly connected the dots. They had moved in while the rest of the crew was away on a sudden mission, and Matt had mostly been busy in his new office—their shared room—ever since.

There had been a close call a day or two ago, when Buddy had escaped from their room, but luckily Jeremy had been able to grab him and bring him back before Matt could. If those two had been seen together the game would’ve surely been over.

Honestly, luck had been on their side anyway. Lindsay had apparently seen him but assumed he was a werecat, of all things, and Gavin had just? gone with their assumption. For some reason. And then, a few days later, Alfredo had also seen Matt and, instead of refuting Lindsay’s assumption, and given in and gone along with them.

It was better than Jeremy could’ve planned themself. Absolutely brilliant.

Either way, things were surely coming to an end… because there came Matt. No one else had seen him yet, too focused on playing or watching the ongoing game.

He stood behind the couch, looming over Gavin, Michael, Geoff, and Jack. And then, completely unknowing of what he was about to unleash, very casually asked, “Hey guys, who’s winning?”

They were glad that they had braced themself, because the ensuing screaming was deafening. Even Trevor yelled, probably startled by everyone else. Matt himself jerked back several steps. Hell, Geoff startled so badly he threw himself off of the couch entirely, and Gavin had crawled half on top of Michael.

This was so good. They were so glad they had hung back to watch this happen.

“Hey Matt,” they casually greeted, ignoring the cacophony and barely holding in their laughter.

“See!” Lindsay yelled, suddenly, victoriously, pointing a finger at Matt. “See! I told you guys he was a werecat!”

“A what?” Matt blinked at them, even as Michael shoved Gavin off of his lap and onto Geoff, ignoring the resulting squawking. “Huh?”

Trevor twitched, blinking in confusion. “Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?”

No longer could they hold it in. Jeremy burst out in cackling laughter, and soon enough Matt begun chuckling along, cautiously.

“Get off me, idiot,” Geoff grumbled, pushing Gavin off of himself so he could get up. “Someone help me up.”

“You’re not that old, Geoffrey,” Jack complained, but offered him a hand anyway. “Can someone please explain to me what the fuck is happening?”

“I honestly couldn’t tell you.” Matt shook his head, looking over at Trevor, and then at Jeremy themself, still laughing. “But I think I know who’s responsible for it.”

“Am not!” they immediately denied. “I just found out a week ago, before we moved in. And I haven’t even done anything! The stories fed themselves.”

Geoff found his balance standing up, then stared at Matt for a long moment. “Well,” he finally said, “I guess that this makes more sense than having a cat on the payroll.”

“You thought I was a cat?” Matt asked incredulously. Then, looking at the expressions of everyone around the room, he repeated, louder, “You all thought I was a cat?”

“Well! We all saw the bloody cat, didn’t we!” Gavin gestured wildly, still lying on the floor where Geoff had dumped him. “It just made sense!”

Matt blinked down at him. “The cat? You mean Buddy? You all thought I was Buddy?”

Lindsay gasped. “His name is Buddy? That’s adorable!”

“How did no one here realize?” Trevor blinked at everyone, wide-eyed. “For six months, none of you realized that Matt was a human, or that he was our hacker. Who did you guys think was doing all that work?”

“Uh.” Everyone looked over at Geoff, who shrugged. “I guess I didn’t really think about it. B-team probably hired someone, or something.”

Behind him on the couch, Jack groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Geoff. Really?”

“What? I was right, wasn’t I?” He gestured over at Matt. “Someone got hired to take care of it. All good!”

“I still can’t believe everyone in this crew thought I was a cat.” Matt shook his head. “I mean—Gavin, we’ve been texting for weeks.”

Gavin, in the middle of getting up from the floor, squawked defensively. “Well! I thought it was just Jeremy having a laugh, pretending to text as the cat! We just texted “meow” back and forth!”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Michael waved Gavin down. “So then why haven’t we seen the cat around?”

“Because he’s been in our room?” Matt shrugged, casually. “We didn’t want him to—Wait a second. Jeremy, you were the one to suggest keeping him in the room so no one would realize!”

“But you all agreed with my reasoning!” they countered, grinning widely. “It made sense!”

“Well, I think we should get to see the cat now. As compensation.” Lindsay opened their arms, as if expecting them to just place Buddy in their arms. “Come on.”

“Yeah, one sec.” Matt shook his head even as he turned around to go back to their room. Moments later he returned, Buddy lounging in his arms. “See? Not the same thing.”

Trevor leaned closer from his chair, exaggeratedly looking Matt over. “I don’t know Matt. You do look a lot alike.”

“Oh, fuck you, Trevor.”

---

Matt’s fingers stilled over the keyboard as he activated his new program’s test run. There, now he could just sit back and wait for a moment.

He still couldn’t believe that he worked as the Fakes’ hacker for six months without them knowing he was a human person. Six months! And the only people who had known he wasn’t cat were Jeremy, Trevor, and the B-team, apparently. Fucking unbelievable.

Well. Maybe a little believable, he supposed.

A knock on his door broke him out of his thoughts, and he spun around on his chair. “Come in, it’s open.”

“Heya Matt,” Lindsay greeted him as they came in, hands held strangely behind themself. “You got a minute?”

“Sure?” he answered cautiously, glancing back at his computer for a moment. “What’s up?”

“Here, I got you a little something!” They shoved the thing into his hands the moment he lifted them. Something soft and furry, and—

It was a cat plushy. A very cute, very fluffy plush cat.

He looked at the plush in his hands—so soft!—and then back at Lindsay, who cracked up into giggles.

“Thank you?” he said when they settled down some.

“It’s because we all thought you were a cat all this time.” They gestured at the plushy. “So it’s a little something to make up for it, since I’m the one who started it, I think.”

“Oh, well, it’s fine.” He tucked the plush closer to himself. It really was very nice to hold. “I mean. It’s kinda silly, but it’s hardly the worst thing that could’ve happened.”

“Yeah, well.” They shrugged. “It is pretty funny in hindsight. But I saw that plushy and I thought, hey, why not. Matt would probably like it.”

He smiled back at them. “I do, thank you.” He reached over, settling the plush on his desk next to his monitors. “And Lindsay? Thank you for the compliments and the hugs.”

They laughed, opening their arms. “Yeah, no problem man. You want a direct hug?”

“Well,” he said, drawing out the word as he got up out of his chair. “I’m not saying no to that.”

---

Jeremy leaned against a wall, quickly checking the clip in their pistol. They hoped they wouldn’t need to use it, but better to be prepared than to be caught off-guard.

“Oh, shit,” Matt muttered over the coms. “Uh. I said that wrong. My bad. You should’ve taken the right turn instead of the left.”

“Matt, you motherfucker,” Geoff snarled in the comm, clearly struggling to keep his voice down so they wouldn’t attract the attention of the police. “What the fuck do you mean you sent us the wrong way!”

“I was looking at the wrong thing, sorry!” He sounded genuinely apologetic, but it was clearly too late from the way Geoff was seething. “It’s fine. Just a little further. Follow the alley and then take a right at the end.”

They quickly continued walking, but Gavin was already reaching up to unmute his own mic. “Matt, how did you send us down the wrong way, Matt! It’s just left and right!”

“I was looking at the wrong thing! I said sorry, didn’t I!”

And, well. That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Jeremy threw a quick look over at Geoff, and found him visibly boiling over. They lowered their hand back to their pistol, but hopefully they were far enough away from the police that Geoff’s shouting wouldn’t alert them.

Jeremy tuned out of the screaming earful from Geoff—fed by Gavin and Jack—but kept half an ear on the comm. Just enough that he could hear Matt’s heavy sigh, followed by the quiet mutter of, “I miss being a cat.”

Despite themself they cracked up, laughter cutting off the shouting from the rest of the crew. Oops. Apparently they hadn’t muted their own mic. Everyone fell silent, watching them lose it over a comment none of them heard.

“What did we say that was so bloody funny?” Gavin asked, frowning at them.

“Sorry,” they apologized as they caught their breath again, shaking their head to get their focus back. “Just something Matt said. I’m good. Let’s go.”

They should’ve realized that that would just encourage Matt.

---

BK winced as Geoff’s voice echoed around her, bouncing off of the alley walls just off from his actual voice in her comm. She wished she could turn the comm off, but it wouldn’t do to miss critical instructions. Her admittance into the crew was too new to risk over something like this.

Besides, he wasn’t even yelling at her. And, despite the volume he was reaching, he didn’t even sound that mad. It was more theatrical than anything.

Probably.

She leant around the corner, spotting Trevor opposite of her, hidden behind a stack of boxes. Seeing her in turn, he gave her a thumb’s up and a reassuring smile, and she gladly returned the favor. See? All good.

A weary sigh rattled over the comm, and she winced again, this time in sympathy. It seemed that Matt, for all that he stayed back home as the hacker, caught a lot of Geoff’s ire. Maybe being away from the action made it worse, instead of better.

“Man,” the man in question huffed. “You were so much nicer when I was a cat.”

When—Huh? When he what?

Sudden gunshots interrupted her thoughts. Fuck. Alright, that thought was getting shelved until after the mission. Focus now.

The moment they returned back to the base, however, the topic immediately sprung back into her mind. As she put away her weapons and body armor, the thought kept circling around in her head. What did it mean?

Stepping back out into penthouse proper—the shared Crew home, for all she didn’t yet live there—she set out to get answers. But who could she ask?

Oh! There was Ky! She had been around a little longer than BK herself, so maybe she would know. At the very least, she wasn’t one of the old guard who would surely use this as a pranking opportunity.

“Hey Ky,” BK greeted the moment she was close enough. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure?” Ky turned to face her. “Did something happen during the mission?”

“Kinda.” She made a dubious face. “I heard Matt say something weird. Like… Not normal for this crew weird.”

Ky’s face dropped into a frown, and BK immediately followed it up with, “He said something about the rest of the crew being nicer when he was a cat?”

“He—Huh?” Ky’s expression cleared up immediately—and straight into confusion. “He said that?”

“Right?” BK threw up her hands, feeling exasperation flood through her. “I mean, what does that even mean?”

“When he was a cat…” Ky repeated, under her breath, brow creased. “When he was a cat…”

“Where did you hear that?” a hushed voice interrupted them, and BK jerked away—and saw Ky do the same opposite of her.

Standing next to them was Jeremy, wide-eyed and grim-faced. “Seriously! Be quiet about that, where did you hear that?”

“Matt muttered it over the comms earlier today.” BK felt her heart drop. What was going on in this crew? “Why? What did he mean?”

Jeremy looked around, shiftily, and BK found herself doing the same automatically. But the hallway was clear. Just the three of them.

“Look, Matt doesn’t like to talk about it, okay? Top secret. No one gets to know about it.” They met her eyes first, then Ky’s, deadly serious. “No one.”

“We wouldn’t tell!” Ky immediately exclaimed, then grimaced and lowered her voice. “Jeremy, we wouldn’t, you know that.”

They stared them down for a moment longer, then nodded, slowly. “Alright, fine. But I’m serious—Matt doesn’t want to talk about it. Keep it quiet, okay?”

“Promise,” BK said, and she heard Ky’s voice echoing with her own.

Jeremy nodded once more, then gestured for them to lean in closer. “Okay, so you two know that Trevor, Matt, and I were hired at the same time, yeah? We all lived in the same apartment at the time. And it took a while for us to be moved in because of it, so it took six months until we could move in, at the same time as Alfredo.”

“Right,” Ky said, slowly.

“And it was before we used long-distance comms, so no one but me and Trevor knew about Matt. For six months, none of them saw him, none of them heard his voice, nothing. Just the two of us, whenever we came home from our missions.”

BK couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, even more so than earlier that day. Six months with barely any human contact, and now he got yelled at by Geoff? Harsh.

“And just when we were about to move in, something big interrupted, and everyone had to focus on crew work. So the three of us, we just moved in on our own, without anyone seeing. And then Matt had to get back to work immediately again, having to stay in his new office—our shared room—the entire time.”

Add a little more sorry to that previous count. Yikes.

“So… A few days after we got there, we might’ve had a little unwanted break-out.” Jeremy shrugged their shoulders, a forced smile on their face. “And a cat came running out of his office. Which of course the others saw, and, well. You can imagine what went down.”

“But, wait.” Ky frowned, and BK felt her own mind trip over the vagueness with which Jeremy had told the story. “You mean that long-haired tabby that wanders around the base?”

“That’s the one,” Jeremy confirmed, smiling softly. “So, yeah. It’s a whole thing, and Matt doesn’t like to talk about it, so. Keep it quiet, yeah?”

“Of course,” BK assured them, even if she wasn’t quite sure what to keep quiet, exactly. “Thanks for telling us, Jeremy.”

They nodded. “Yeah, no problem. Better than letting the confusion cause problems. If there’s any pressing concerns, come ask me, okay?”

“We will,” Ky promised, and they watched Jeremy wander off before she leaned closer to BK. “So… Did you get what exactly was up with Matt?”

“No, not really,” she admitted, grimacing. “I guess he… was a cat? For a while? Somehow?”

“What, like a werecat?” Ky shook her head. “How does that even make sense?”

“Well, I don’t know!” BK snapped back, throwing her hands up. “Maybe he was cursed to be cat until the crew fixed him, or something!”

“Shh,” Ky hissed immediately, and they looked around quickly, but no one was nearby. Phew. “Well, then he might as well have been a cat originally, until he got turned into a human.”

BK hummed. “I don’t think that that works in the story. Wait. Or does it?”

“How would I know?” Ky fell silent, face twisting. “Oh my god. I’ve definitely petted him before.”

“You have?”

“Yes! Lindsay was holding him and making kissy faces and then told me I should give him a pat! How was I supposed to know otherwise!”

“Oh my god,” BK groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. “This is too much.”

They stood there in silence for a moment, processing.

“We should tell Joe.” Ky met BK’s gaze when she snapped it over to her. “Okay, I know Jeremy said to keep it quiet, but! He’s going to find out eventually, and I’m not going to be able to keep quiet if I see him petting Matt.”

“Okay, true.” BK clicked her tongue. “Well. It should be okay right, to make sure he doesn’t ask Matt about it?”

“Yeah! Yeah, see, that makes sense,” Ky agreed nodding. “Alright. Let’s just. Go do that. Then.”

“Yes. Let’s, uh. Do that.”

---

Jeremy’s fingers tapped out a silent rhythm on the side of their phone. The moment they had stepped away from Ky and BK they had texted Lindsay to let them in on the shenanigans that had just been unleashed, and now they regularly texted with ideas on how to stoke the flames further.

Luckily Lindsay had agreed to keep it quiet from everyone else. Hopefully Ky and BK would do the same, because Jeremy really wanted to see everyone’s reactions when they found out the whole thing had happened again.

Although, admittedly, they were kind of curious to hear what those two had thought up. They had intentionally left their story very open, but still. The options were pretty limited, weren’t they?

Their phone buzzed in their hand, and they looked down. Ooh, a great new idea from Lindsay. Baking cookies shaped like cat treats to give to Matt? Brilliant!

Rapidly texted Lindsay back, they hadn’t even noticed Joe creeping up on them until he awkwardly cleared his throat.

Quickly dimming their screen, they looked up at him. “Hey Joe, what’s up?”

“You, uh.” He looked around the otherwise-empty room, the very picture of shifty, then continued at a lower tone. “You said we could ask you about Matt’s… thing.”

“His thing,” they repeated drily.

“Yeah, you know, the. Uh.” Joe stuck up a finger on each side of his head, wiggling them slightly. Like cat ears, Jeremy supposed. “You know?”

Pressing a fist to their mouth to stifle their laughter, they nodded slightly. “The cat thing? Yes. Who told you?”

“BK and—Uh. I mean. No one.” Joe cleared his throat again, awkwardly looking away. “I definitely found out on my own.”

“Sure.” They shook their head. Definitely something to keep in mind, the poor acting skills of some of the newer crew members. You never know when those kind of things come in handy! “You had a question about it?”

He nodded, shuffling a little on his feet. “Yeah, so he’s like, a werecat, right? Sometimes a human and sometimes a cat?”

Interesting. Was that the consensus that they had reached, or was that just what Joe had decided was the truth? Either way, they gestured for him to keep talking.

“So what I was wondering, um. Is he always fully human, or fully cat, or…?”

“What, like does he keep cat-like traits when he’s human, or something?” They quirked a brow at him, using the pause to quickly search through their brain. Stoke the flames, stoke the flames… “Hm. Well, you know how it is with weres: never fully one or the other.”

“So he’s like…” Joe gestured vaguely, like he was trying to grab at concepts he couldn’t reach. “A little cat?” he settled on, weakly.

“Oh yeah, for sure” they said, casually reclining on their chair. “Haven’t you noticed how he’s always prowling the base at night? That’s the were-zoomies.”

They watched Joe mouth the word ‘were-zoomies’, stifling the grin that threatened to break out on their face. Yes. Yes. Go on, fall for it.

“Right,” Joe said, slowly, like he was testing the word. “That makes sense. Uh. Sorry for bothering you with this.”

“It’s fine,” they assured him, flapping their hand. “Just make sure to keep it quiet from the rest, yeah? Especially Matt, he doesn’t like talking about it much.”

“Uh huh.” Joe nodded. “And I guess you’d know best anyway, since you’ve known him longest.”

“Exactly,” they agreed easily. “Was that all?”

“Yeah. Uh, yeah.” He shifted on his feet again. “Thanks, Jeremy. Again.”

“No problem,” they repeated, even as Joe turned around to walk away. They waited another moment or two, until they were sure that he was leaving—and that he’d really fallen for it—and then turned on their phone again to resume texting Lindsay.

They would love the new twist that had just been added to the story.

---

Idly watching a program run on the monitor in front of him, Matt hummed. “Hey, Trevor.”

“Hey Matt,” Trevor echoed dutifully, sitting on the bed behind him, Buddy in his lap.

“Do you think the new crew members have been acting weird around me?”

Because he was pretty sure they were acting weird. At first he had just assumed it was nerves over joining the crew, but then he realized it was only around him. Like they became instantly transfixed on him whenever he entered a room any of them were in.

“I don’t know.” Trevor sounded doubtful, and Matt spun around to find him frowning. “I haven’t noticed anything, but I haven’t really been paying attention to it, I guess.”

Matt hummed. “I guess I’m just worried I’m spending too much time in the office again, you know?”

“Honestly, you haven’t been that bad.” Trevor leant further back, and they both watched in silence as Buddy stretched out further in the newly gained space. “Maybe that’s why? You’re just around more to notice it, now that we’re not the new guys.”

“Maybe,” he said, doubtfully. “I don’t know. It just seems kind of weird. The last time people were acting all strange around me was, you know, when we moved in.”

“And we wouldn’t want a repeat from that.” Trevor laughed, then fell silent as he saw the look on Matt’s face. “Matt. You’re not seriously thinking about it.”

“What? It happened once, it could’ve happened again.” He shook his head. “Besides, Jeremy is absolutely the type to feed the new guys a made-up story of me being a werecat. They definitely didn’t get their fill of chaos last time around.”

“It’s not like they would’ve needed to do that.” Trevor clicked his tongue, chastising. “You still regularly grumble about missing your old cat life. It’s not like that couldn’t have caused some strange thoughts.”

Matt spluttered, “Now hold on—”

“Besides,” Trevor cut him off, mercilessly. “You also responded to Lindsay going “pspspsps” over the comms just a few days. By muting everyone else and focusing exclusively on them.”

He stared down Matt, as if daring him to defend himself again. When he didn’t, Trevor sniffed. “See? Perfectly normal reasons why people might think you’re a werecat, again, without Jeremy having done anything.”

“Right,” he agreed. Trevor kind of had a point. He did do all of those things. “But consider this: these are exactly the kind of shenanigans that Jeremy is all about.”

Trevor visibly thought about it. Then nodded. “True, true. Guess we’ll see how it all turns out, then.”

---

Paper rustled loudly as Gavin dug through the pile of wrapped presents still left in the middle of their circle. From the sidelines most of the crew was shouting at him to hurry up, either because they wanted to receive their own presents, or because they wanted to see the reactions to what they had given.

Jack just shuffled in deeper into the couch she had claimed. Some of the newer crew members might’ve been feeling uncertain about their picks—it was their first Secret Santa since Jeremy, Trevor, and Matt had joined, after all—but she knew she had made an excellent choice.

Gavin exclaimed victoriously over having found the present he’d been looking for, holding it up proudly. And then groaned when he read the label: addressed to Matt.

Smiling satisfied, she watched him accept the present. Good.

“What is it, Matt?” Joe called loudly the moment Matt begun opening the present, clearly stoked on by Alfredo sitting next to him.

“Give me a moment!” Matt called back, carefully taking apart the paper. And clearly going slow on purpose, based on the way he was grinning at the exasperated—and dramatic—groans around him.

And then he gasped, having seen the contents of his present.

Michael, sitting next to him, leaned to take a look. And then made a face. “What the hell is that?”

“It’s great is what it is!” Matt lifted up his gift to show it to the rest. And Jack knew she’d made the right choice the moment she saw it, but seeing Matt’s wide grin now filled her with pride nonetheless.

In Matt’s hands, he held a knitted sweater. An unbelievably obnoxious, very ugly, and very grandma-style knitted sweater. With a cat theme.

“I love it!” he exclaimed, even as Jeremy, on his other side, made a loud gagging noise. “Wait—”

And then he pulled it on over the hoodie he’d been wearing, wiggling slightly to get it to sit right. And just as she had guessed, it was just slightly oversized for him.

“Oh, it’s so nice.” Matt rubbed one arm of the sweater, plucking at it slightly. “It’s so warm and soft! I love it. Thank you, Secret Santa!”

“It’s atrocious,” Jeremy spat out like they couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Matt, look at it!”

“I am looking at it.” Matt grinned at Jeremy like a cat who’d gotten the cream. “Here, just feel it, Jeremy. Gimme a pat.”

Jeremy rolled their eyes but obliged, patting Matt’s arm briefly. Then they sighed. “Yeah, alright, I’ll give you that. It’s very soft.”

“Told you.” Matt shook his arms slightly, letting the too-long sleeves fall over his hands. “Oh, right, my turn to pick a present. Hm, let’s see…”

---

Matt absentmindedly twirled the glass in his hand, watching the liquid in it swish around. Ever since he and Trevor had realized that BK, Ky, and Joe thought he was a—a werecat or something, he had become aware of just how much they stared at him. It was like, equal parts fascinated and terrified. So probably werecat then? Were they thinking about him just suddenly turning into a cat in front of them, or something?

He didn’t know, and quite frankly, he had no idea how to ask.

Up went the glass as he took a drink from it. Nope, still no idea.

And the three of them were still staring, on the other side of the table.

Really, when Trevor had suggested that Matt just go out with them for a night to find a way to bring it up, he’d thought that Trevor would’ve come along. But nooo, that would’ve been too easy, huh? Had to go and do this all alone.

How the fuck were you supposed to start a conversation about this, anyway?

“So,” BK blurted out suddenly, leaning forward on her elbows, “When you turn into a cat, does that hurt? Like, is that why you never do it?”

“When I what?” he answered automatically, somehow feeling caught off-guard despite wanting to get into this exact conversation.

Also, apparently that is how you start a conversation about this kind of stuff. He’d consider it good to know, but he was really kind of hoping not to get into this situation a third time.

Groaning, he pinched his nose. “I’m not a werecat, or whatever Jeremy told you three.”

“But the—the were-zoomies.” Joe gestured around the last word as if to emphasize it.

“The what?” He shook his head, setting the thought aside. “Look. I don’t know what Jeremy convinced you three of, but I can guarantee you it’s not real. Although I guess that that does explain why Buddy has been begging for more attention from the rest of us…”

“Buddy?” Ky repeated cautiously.

“Yeah. Buddy the cat.” He pulled up a photo on his phone, even though he was sure they all knew exactly who he was talking about. “See? That’s our cat. Mine, Jeremy’s, and Trevor’s, before we moved in with the rest of the crew. I’m sure you’ve seen him around.”

“But—But—” BK spluttered, and then fell silent when he swiped over to a photo of him holding Buddy. “Oh.”

“Yeah, exactly.” He rolled his eyes, tucking his phone away again. “Honestly, it’s kind of unbelievable this happened again. Although I guess it doesn’t really count if Jeremy orchestrated this on purpose…”

“But I heard you complain about missing being a cat!” BK gestured at him. “What does that even mean!”

He nodded slowly. “I assume Jeremy told you about how, when I first joined the crew, no one saw or heard me? They only knew me by name? So, somehow, they wrongly start to think—"

---

“JEREMY!”

They looked up from the game they had been playing. Was that BK? Hadn’t she gone out with Ky, Joe, and Matt?

The door slammed open, and they spun around on their chair. Standing in the opening were all three of the new crew members. The crew members they had tricked into thinking Matt was a werecat.

“So uh.” They looked between the three fuming crew members. “You figured it out, huh?”

“I’m going to kill you!” BK snarled, making grabbing hands at them from where she still stood. “You asshole! Months!”

“Oh yeah, you really fell for it.” They giggled, ignoring the way the three of them crept further into the room. “But hey, now you get to join the club with the rest of crew! You’re fitting in just right!”

“You’ll fit in just right in the hole you’re about to make in the ground,” Ky growled, stepping up to them. “Because we’re about to drop you off of the roof.”

They looked over to Joe. Who shook his head. “Oh no, I’m with them.”

“Shame.” They shrugged, putting down their controller. “Ah well. Worth it.”

Buddy meowed from the corner of the desk where he’d been sitting.

So worth it.

[ursifors]

I didn't see the stream so I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I thought Jeremy was better about fanfic than that, he was always great about AH/ FAHC fics

DON'T GET ME WRONG JEREMY WAS FINE like as far as i know ( i wasn't there when he started talking about it, just after ) he was just polite and having a bit of a laugh at the fact a jeremy/max fic even existed, but as my friend wrote it i'm gonna be protective of them regardless

so jeremy didn't do anything WRONG wrong its just a personal opinion of mine that creators shouldn't really talk about fanfic because it's not for them, especially singling out specific fics and saying the titles cuz it opens the floor to people to find it and be mean. which no one has so far! which is great! but still.

[napsaps-archive]

Hello, I ALSO figured out I was polyam from fanfic. I was in a fandom with a popular ot3 and then moved to one w a popular ot6 (FAHC out of RTAH)

this is awesome fanfic fr is giving people realizations lmaooo

[fxllingout]

okay this is such a long shot but if anyone here ever read fahc fanfic, does anyone remember the one where dan is a member of the police and he and gavin used to serve in the military? I think? but dan thought gavin was dead but then finds out he is alive and is part of the fahc. at some point there is a heist of like maybe it was a jewel? or something, i swear they were in a hotel at some point as well? and dan gets kinda roped in with helping them and then having to keep it a secret from his bosses. anyways if this sounds familiar to you and you know whereeee i could possibly read this again please let me know

[gg-selvish]

thank you so much for that link. the great sealand takeover was my favourite fahc fanfic and i had read it over and over and over so much. I distanced myself from the fandom in 2017 and completely fell off rtah by 2018 so when i saw that one ask it was like brain blink haha.

ive only read it 3 times and the most recent time was a couple years ago but it has a very special place in my heart so im really happy i could get it to u i hope u can read it and enjoy it again one day !! :)

[toasterness]

Michael awoke to the sensation of someone kissing his shoulder.

The light filtering in through the curtains was soft and Michael was warm all over, not quite fully awake yet but pleasantly muzzy. He turned his head to stare at the man responsible and melted; Gavin looked so soft, so gentle, adoration clear in his expression and arms a comforting weight on Michael’s waist.

“G’mornin’,” he mumbled.

----------------

IT’S DONE!!! Like I usually do with my long fics, I plonked a soft epilogue at the end because I am weak and a romantic. Please let me know what you think - I really enjoyed writing ABAS and I hope you loved it as much as I did! 

Stay tuned for whatever BS I come up with next <3

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Merry Halloween, Ya Filthy Animal

It’s the day after Halloween and the good cheer comes in a little early. 

Enjoy my masterlist (more FAHC blurbs and fics are up there)

Support me on kofi

____________

Fiona waiting until the day after Halloween to pop into the local grocery store. She makes a beeline directly to the seasonal section and she can see them putting up Christmas. But that’s not what she’s here for. She’s looking to see if her favorite lollipops are on sale. 

She doesn’t tell anyone, considering they already had work early on in the week and Fiona just wanted to run a quick errand, be normal for 4 seconds by herself. In what should’ve only been a 5 minute trip, Fiona manages to two minutes loading her basket up with candy-- it’s easier to do by just sweeping all the left over lollipops and sweet candies with her arm into the basket-- and another ten minutes staring down the Christmas decorations. 

The garland’s are itchy against her hands, but the miniature Santa’s and elfs are too cute to avoid. As Fiona continues down the aisle, stopping at the chocolates, she can hear the squeak of sneakers behind her. She throws just a quick glance over her shoulder, just to see who it is. And her jaw falls slack. 

“Does she like these?” It’s Jeremy holding up a blue bag. Michael and Gavin surround him.

“Think so,” Michael returns, taking the bag to look over it. He drops it into the hand held basket before reaching for another bag on the shelf. 

“I seriously can’t five minutes away from you freaks,” Fiona teases, walking back down towards them. Gavin squawks at the sound of Fiona’s voice. How had they missed her being literally on the same aisle as them?

Michael snaps his head up and Jeremy shuffles in front just a little. “What-What’re you doing here?” Michael asks. 

“Uh, being a paying customer. What the hell are you three doing here?”

“Also being paying customers,” Jeremy retorts. 

Fiona takes in each of their faces. Michael’s playing is mostly cool along with Jeremy, though they’re stand pretty close together as if trying to hide something and Gavin’s frozen in place just a little, a bag of assorted candies in hand. Why would they need to be hiding anything? She takes a step closer and the three of them shuffle closer together. 

“What’s goin on here?”

“Nothing. Just shopping. Browsing,” Jeremy answers. 

“Uh huh, like I totally believe that.” Fiona takes another step closer to them and watching them scuttle together yet again. She has the urge to swat at the candy in Gavin’s hand. Her hand raises, almost giving into the urge, but thinks better of it and salutes the three of them. 

“See you losers, later,” she states and shuffles down the aisle back towards check out. 

Her return to the penthouse is uneventful. She lounges on the couch, a bag of candy resting against her torso as she scrolls through her phone. TikToks and Instagram reels are a time suck and Fiona chuckles and snorts at each passing one. There’s tinkering in the kitchen from Geoff and Jack. Trevor settles down on the couch next to her to show off videos and memes that he’s accumulated just to show her. 

Soon the front doors open and close with a gentle thud. Peeking up from her phone, Fiona sees Michael, Jeremy, and Gavin with grocery bags in hand. “Sup?” she calls out with a nod. They all return it before walking into the kitchen and start unloading various grocery. 

The rustle of plastic bags last for a few minutes and the sound of one swishing gets closer to Fiona. Something drops onto her stomach. “Merry Halloween, ya filthy animal,” Jeremy teases. 

Fiona swats up at him but misses. “The fuck are you doing? Trying to give me a heart attack?!”Jeremy only shrugs before slumping down into the armchair next to her. 

Fiona peaks into the bag and sees a couple bags of candy. “Wait! For me?” she screeches. She thought it was strange that they were on the candy aisle but she hadn’t thought they were shopping for her. 

“Yeah, I didn’t drop it in Trey’s lap.”

“Wait, no.” She sits up, trying to comprehend. When she looks into the kitchen, Gavin and Michael are cracking open some White Claws but are bugging Geoff about what he’s cooking. “Seriously, you guys got me candy?”

“Oh, don’t cry about it,” Michael calls out, leaning into the counter. “You scared the shit out of us at the store, but figured since it was on sale, we could help you stock up.”

Fiona sits for a moment, unsure of how to process the moment. But her chest warms. “You guys are still losers, but you’re pretty fucking sweet.”

“We try. No matter how much you almost ruined our plans,” Jeremy teases. 

[turnaboutstevie]

Exception

Requested by: @kingpattillo Prompt: “I don't like people, but you’re an exception” Pairing: Michael Jones/Gavin Free Word Count: 2180 A/N: I’m sorry this is sorta angsty I apparently don’t know how to write anything without angst shjdg it does end fluffy though, promise!! ********** The day they met, Michael decided he hated Gavin. He was loud, obnoxious and clumsy as all hell. Michael wasn't entirely sure Gavin didn't push his buttons on purpose. He seemed like the kind of asshole to do that. The bird noises, the stupid British slang words that made no sense, the way he screeched constantly and made his voice high pitched. Michael just wanted to stick a thumb through his fucking eye and tell him to shut it. But he was useful to the crew, so he tolerated him. Mostly. He wasn't exactly known for being mild-tempered. The way he saw it, the few black eyes he gave him were a warning, and the Brit would eventually get the message and leave him alone. Except, he never did.

********** "Michael" Oh, for fuck's sake. Why did he have to say Michael's name like that? "What do you want, Gavin." "Will you play a game with me?" "Why would I do that?" "Because I'm bored?" "But I'm not, and I'm already playing a game." He gestured to the switch in his hand, the soft cheerful music of his paused Pokemon game filling the momentary silence. "But you could be playing a game with me instead!" "Again, why would I want to do that?" "Because we're friends." "Where the fuck did you get that idea!" "We're not friends?" Gavin's tone was shocked and sad, the look on his face was like he'd just watched Michael kick a puppy- or like he was the puppy Michael had kicked- and Michael wanted to kick himself for feeling bad. He hated Gavin, why did seeing him sad get to him?? He pushed it aside. "No, Gavin. You never noticed that I hate you? Are you seriously that fucking stupid?!" His voice was raised a little, allowing his anger to squash his other feelings as he so often did. It was better to be angry than to be weak, he told himself. He'd never let himself be weak again. "Why don't you like me?" "I don't like people in general, Gavin. And you're the worst of all of them." "...Michael" Jesus, the one time he said it right and he sounded like he was 3 seconds from crying while doing it. "What, Gavin?" He turned back to look at him, but he was already walking away. Thank God, he thought. At least I don't have to deal with him crying. But he couldn't concentrate anymore, a pang of unfamiliar guilt gnawing at him. Fucking Gavin. ********** The heist going wrong wasn't his fault, not really. Sometimes shit just goes wrong. None of the others had known the motion detector was there either. But Gavin was so used to it being his fault, to being shouted at and blamed (usually by Michael), that when nobody blamed him for things he started to do it himself. They all tried their best to reassure the Brit, all attempts unsuccessful. Michael was the only one who didn't try. He didn't want to be cruel- Gavin had actually been super helpful on the heist-but he still didn't like him, and wasn't thrilled at the idea of comforting him. That is, until he got up at about 3am to get a glass of water, and saw a light on in Gavin's room. He poked his head around the door and saw the man huddled in a corner, a blanket around his shoulders. Michael hadn't really seen Gavin since the heist, which was three days before, but it looked like he hadn't slept at all. Gavin didn't even notice him, too caught up in worrying about what went wrong and self-blame. It wasn't until 5 minutes later when Michael appeared in front of him, a hot cup of tea in his hands, that Gavin broke out of his trance-like state. "Michael?" He knelt in front of him, handing him the tea. "I still don't like you, but you gotta stop blaming yourself. Shit happens. Things go wrong. Snap the fuck out of it. We need you." It wasn't exactly nice, but Gavin understood that he was trying. "...Thanks." "Get some sleep." And he was gone. Gavin didn't know when he'd learned how he liked his tea, but paired with the semi-reassuring words he'd just received, it settled him enough to finally fall asleep. He didn't even get to his bed, and Jack found him the next morning passed out in the corner of his room, an empty mug next to his feet. ********** Geoff had tried so hard to avoid pairing Gavin and Michael up, he knew they'd be a great team if they could work past their issues, but he also knew that Michael was far too stubborn for that. Gavin's personality seemed hand designed to piss Michael off, and nobody would dream of asking him to change. Michael would simply have to adapt, however long it took. But this heist needed them together. Gavin was, essentially, the bait. They knew if he fucked something up, he'd distract anyone on the rest of the Crew's scent. And if that didn't work-or if Gavin miraculously didn't screw up- Michael had a fair amount of explosives in his armoury. Michael made no attempt to mask his irritation at the pairing. Sure, the crew needed Gavin, but Michael didn't want to work with him. Jeremy or Ryan would also be down to fuck shit up, and they could at least tolerate Gavin. Goddamn it. ********** "What if," Oh, this will be good Michael thinks, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "Your toenails could grow to be as long as your legs?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "What?" "We're in the middle of a heist! Is that seriously what you're thinking about right now?" "I'm bored! We've been here for like an hour. When will the others be ready?" "When they're ready. The UD isn't a fucking easy target. Now shut up so we ca-" Just then, they both received a text from Geoff. "Alright, it's time. You remember the plan?" "Yeah, I'm tripping the alarms, right?" Michael nods. "I'll be right behind you, promise." Gavin smiled at him- why was that so distracting??- before smashing the glass of the bank doors. Well, that's one way to trip the alarms. They weren't in their normal disguises, so nobody would question why members of the FAHC were being so sloppy, and they needed the cops there as soon as possible. Maybe Gavin thought this through? Not too likely. "How are we gonna get into the vault?" Michael smiled, waving some dynamite he pulled out of his bag. "Won't that damage the money?" "The money isn't the goal, idiot. We just need them to think it is." Sirens had begun to sound in the distance just as the door blew, and they made quick work of grabbing what looked like a reasonable amount of money before making their way back to the foyer. They were well and truly surrounded, but this wasn't even half of the cops in the city. Definitely not enough to keep the others from being caught. "Dude, get back!" Michael shouted as he threw one of his grenades into the foyer. This served the double purpose of keeping the cops outside of the building- they wouldn't enter with the knowledge that they had explosives- and ensuring that plenty of backup would be called. What he hadn't accounted for was Gavin being a little too slow, and it wasn't until he heard the Brits pained scream that he realised he'd been caught in the blast. "GAVIN!" He screamed, code names and hidden identities completely forgotten. He hurried to the younger man's side, way more panicked than someone who hates him should be. "I'm okay Michael. Just... Just caught my arm a little." He was struggling to breathe through the pain, and Michael was at a loss at what to do. Upon further inspection, the injury wasn't as bad as he'd feared. Rather than the explosion catching Gavin directly, it seemed that his arm had been burned. It was still pretty terrible, and the smell of burning flesh was almost overwhelming, but Michael couldn't bring himself to care about anything but getting Gavin to safety. "Just hold on a minute, Gav. I'm gonna call Jack." Their escape plan had hinged on Gavin being able to drive, which obviously wouldn't happen now. After a short conversation, the UD heist was called off, and the Crew on their way. Michael still hadn't stopped apologising when they arrived, even though Gavin had passed out from the pain. None of them had ever seen him like this. ********** Gavin spent the next 3 weeks in bed, much of it against his own will. The young man had always had too much energy, and bed rest ironically left him restless. This was the usual for Gavin when he was injured. The real surprise came from Michael, who spent those weeks at the end of Gavin's bed, even when he slept. He brought him food and helped him eat, he dressed his wounds, he played games with Gavin when he got bored. They all knew that this was guilt, that Michael was letting the feeling that Gavin was hurt because he didn't do good enough eat away at him, and none of them could convince him otherwise. It wasn't until the fourth week, when he sat outside the bathroom while Gavin was showering and got shouted at to "just bugger off, Michael!" that he left his side. After that incident, he was nicer to Gavin. It seemed a mixture of guilt and proximity had led to, at the very least, some form of respect between the two. ********** They grew closer as time passed, though it wasn't particularly obvious. When Michael shouted at Gavin, it wasn't mean or borne from hatred anymore. He was still angry at Gavin, he would probably never stop being irritated by him, but he also saw the hilarity of Gavin's clumsy foolishness, and they would be laughing with each other 5 minutes later. Michael would play games with Gavin if he was asked, and launching himself across the table to wrestle with him became a rarer, much more playful occurrence. They still didn't work together a lot, not many heists called for a pairing quite as dangerously explosive as theirs, and Michael would still fuck Gavin over if doing so wouldn't seriously harm him or the heist. Their dynamic was the same in many ways, but where there was anger and hatred before, a friendship had begun to form. Only Michael and Gavin really knew it was more than that. ********** Was Michael really about to do this? Had their relationship even gotten this far yet? They'd kissed a few times, and Gavin had fallen asleep on his shoulder more than once. This was... Well, it was something a boyfriend would do and they hadn't decided whether that's what they were just yet. But he knew Gavin wouldn't mind. He knocked softly. "Michael? What's wrong?" "Just uh... nothing it's stu-" "Michael..." He sounded concerned as he took Michael's face into his hands. His eyes were a little red, and he looked like he hadn't slept much in a while. "Tell me." "I just had a nightmare... didn't wanna be alone" He mumbled, a little embarrassed. Michael hated showing his softer side, hated being vulnerable. Sometimes it was necessary, he knew that, but that never made it any better. "The Liberty decoy job again?" "Yeah..." Gavin pulled him through the door and onto the bed, kissing him softly. "You don't have to worry about that anymore, okay? I'm here and I'm not hurt. Promise." "Can I stay tonight?" "You can stay every night, I like having you around." Michael smiled, reaching down to take Gavin's hand in his. "Hey, Gav?" "Yeah?" This was definitely too much too soon, but he'd realised months ago and he had to tell him or he didn't think he'd ever work up the courage. No time like the present, right? "I love you." A cheeky grin spread across Gavin's face. "Really? I thought you didn't like people." His tone was mocking, but Michael knew he was just doing his thing, taking every opportunity he had to be a little shit. "I don't like people. But you're an exception." There was a few seconds of silence, and Gavin looked down at their hands, gently rubbing his thumb over Michael's knuckles. "I love you too, Michael." He looked back up, placing a gentle, loving kiss on Michael's lips before pressing their foreheads together. "I'm glad you don't hate me anymore" He whispered, after a few minutes of silence. "Me too." The pair would eventually fall asleep- as close as they could possibly be- but for now they were both content to sit like this, listening to the other breathe softly and hoping that they got to do this for the rest of their lives. For the first time in his life, Michael was glad he'd had a nightmare that night. Being this close to Gavin made it more than worth it.

[davidelizabethbowiestrider]

Could you write a one-shot where the crew thinks Ryan is selling on the side but it turns out he is selling doll wigs on the side?

“Did you know that Ryan has an etsy page?”

 Heist-free afternoons in the penthouse were few and farbetween, and lazy days where more than one crew member happened to be free wereeven more rare. Michael and Geoff had finished their delivery to FunHaus earlierin the morning, returning to the penthouse to find Gavin sprawled over thecouch with his laptop on his chest, fancy noise canceling headphones loopedaround his neck as he scrolled through several websites. They had settledaround him, Michael on the couch with Gavin’s feet in his lap while Geoff tookhis arm chair and turned on a game of old school Mario as they sipped on beers.Gavin’s voice was amused as it cut the quiet of the game’s 8-bit music.

 “Wait, he has a what now?” Michael paused the game, shiftingto face Gavin properly as Geoff let out a snort, setting his controller down onhis arm rest as he reached for his ice tea.

 “An etsy page! I wasn’t sure if it was his at first, to behonest, but I did a little digging- he really wasn’t that careful with it, tobe honest, he takes pictures on that shitty balcony at his civvie apartmentthat has way too much sunlight in the middle of the day- and it’s totally him.You’ll never guess what he sells.” Geoff hummed, leaning back in his chair ashe considered the options.

 “Hand crafted artesian knives?” Gavin shook his head, andGeoff took another sip of his drink. “Oh, home made bondage gear.”

 “Nope. Michael? Care to try a guess?” Michael gave the tablein the middle of the room a thoughtful look, trying to think of something Ryanhad shown an interest in.

 “Is it something dumb like fake succulents? Clay cacti? Littleminiature food, cause that totally seems like something he’d be into?” Gavinsnorted, digging his toes into Michael’s thigh as he stretched out some,letting out a yawn. “Nope. Not that either. You’ll never guess, it’s too ridiculous.” Geoff tosseda throw pillow across the room at him, and Gavin gave a yelp as he batted itaway haphazardly. “Oi! What was that for?”

 “Just tell us, numbnuts! Jesus.” Gavin rolled his eyes,clicking something on his computer before turning the screen to face theothers.

 “Doll wigs. He makes DOLL WIGS.” He burst into giggles,letting Michael take the laptop to scroll through the page (Vagabond Locks, andcould that have been more obvious?) with a look of confused disdain on hisface.

 “What the actual fuck. So like. Wigs for dolls?” Gavinsnatched the laptop back, clicking on another tab to turn it towards Michael oncemore.

 “Very specific dolls, actually. They’re uhh. Asian balljointed dolls? I think that’s what they’re called? They’re well expensive, Ihadn’t even known you could get that much money for something made out of resinbut here we are.” The image search he had pulled up showed several of thedolls, oddly realistic looking in a cartoony sort of way. “Some artists makethem really realistic, and people spend hundreds of dollars on these things. RyI guess makes the wigs out of alpaca fur I guess? Which it appears people likea lot.” He clicked back to the etsy page, gesturing to it. “He sells them forlike, almost $125 dollars each! And they’re not big!” Michael snorted, leaningto click on the link that took them to the main page for Ryan’s store.

 “This is fucking beautiful. Ryan’s an etsy seller. Oh mygod, look, look at this seller id picture, it’s him with his fucking hair downlooking like a soft bitch. Oh man I love it. Gavin please tell me we’reordering fifty of these things.” Gavin snickered, opening the buyers page andclicking around.

 “I don’t understand what these sizes mean. MSD? SD? Minifee?This one just says ‘Merry Doll Round Mousse’ but it costs the most. Let’s ordereight of these.” Geoff pushed himself off the chair to make his way to thecouch, leaning over Gavin as he watched the two younger men place an order forover three thousand dollars worth of wigs.

“And what, exactly, are you two going to do with that manydoll wigs?” Gavin shrugged, and Michael gave Geoff a thoughtful look. “We’ll find something to do with them. Maybe donate them to some charity orsomething, man, I don’t know. I just want to see Ryan scramble to make them.”Gavin nodded enthusiastically, and Geoff sighed, reaching to punch Gavin in thearm before straightening up to go into the kitchen.

 “He’s going to murder you when he realizes who sent theorder. And I’m going to wind up the one cleaning it up.” Michael shrugged, giving Geoff a smirk over the back of the couch as Gavin closed the tab out and set his laptop aside, reaching for Geoff’s abandoned controller. “Well at least you’ll have 24 beautiful wigs to use to mop it up.” (I’M SORRY ISABEL IT’S NOT THE BEST BUT IT’S HERE. IT’S HERE AND RYAN DOES MURDER THEM BECAUSE HOW DARE THEY ETSY IS SACRED)

[pyrotic-goat]

I might actually finish this one

[one-real-imonkey]

how about gavin and geoff having a heart-to-heart after rough heist for the fahc fics?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20868746

[everamazingfe]

All Work and No Sleep Makes Jeremy A Shaky Boy

Fic Summary: Jeremy had a fear of taking time off due to an awful past experience, but when he got too sick to help out, he knew that he had to. Luckily, his crew is there to help take care of him. Prompts: “You’re trembling.” “ I can take care of myself just fine.” “It’s three in the morning.” 

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Words in this chapter: 1081 Pairings: OT5, Jeremy/Everyone Warnings for this chapter: None

Notes: A rewrite of an old fic that was previously a prompt request. I know there’s way more members of the crew now, but I’m just so soft for OT5, and I’ve never really written it before so this was nice. 

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When Jeremy overworked himself, he always did his best to hide it. At the first job he’d ever had, he'd worked himself sick and took a day off. He was fired the next day not even ten minutes after walking through the door. That was the last time he ever took a sick day. He'd only been eighteen, and the fear of getting fired followed him into every job he had after that shitty grocery store gig. 

A little over a decade later, Jeremy was working a job he liked. In fact, he might even say that he loved it. But still, he had never taken a sick day, or a vacation, or even time to rest. He'd done heists running fevers and sporting broken bones, he’d stayed up for nearly twenty four hours doing prep work and scouting sites. Sure, there was no rest for the wicked, but surely even the devil himself took a day off. Not Jeremy, though. He was scared of losing his job again. Money was hard to come by for someone like him without one, and these people... He loved and cared for them so much, he didn’t want to let them down. Working hard was how he proved that love, but everyone had a breaking point.

It came after nearly 48 hours of no sleep, barely any food, and some dehydration as he stumbled out of his room. He’d been so focused on the job ahead that he’d forgotten to take care of himself. Normally he was able to at least do the bare minimum, but it had just slipped his mind. But even then, all that wasn't what was making him so shaky. "I... I can't do the job today." He took a pause as he tried to compose himself, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath and squeezing his eyes shut. "I don’t wanna let you guys down and I know you need me, but I can’t do it. I’m sorry."

There was a beat of silence, then: "What, you think you can just take a day off?!" Geoff cried, but he hadn’t turned around just yet. 

Oh boy, here it comes, Jeremy thought to himself as he braced for the dismissal he was certain he was going to receive. 

“Jeremy, we're criminals. You can't just 'take a day off' or whatever bullshit you’re trying to pul-...” Geoff turned around as he spoke, cutting himself off with his face softening from the ‘stern boss’ expression to one of pure concern the moment he laid eyes on Jeremy. “Oh, shit, Jer, you're trembling." He spoke as he moved, going over to the poor lad and feeling his forehead. "You're running a hell of a fever, too." How had he allowed Jeremy to get so sick? How had he not noticed? He was supposed to look out for his crew, and yet it was apparent he’d failed at that. 

"I'm fine, Geoff. I swear, I'm fine, I just need some rest. I'm sorry." His voice was shaking as much as his body was, and he was only able to relax when Geoff sternly told him to get some rest instead of telling him to pack his things and go.

Little did he know that plans for the day were halted, because Geoff could just tell that when he said he was fine that it was bullshit. Jack was now helping him make soup, and the rest of the lads were gathering up pillows and preparing to move a TV into Jeremy's room so they could have a movie marathon. Fortunately, he slept through the rather noisy installation.  

Bleary-eyed, Jeremy eventually woke up to the opening scene of Tangled and the two lads wrapping him up in blankets. "Wha-?" he asked, still too groggy to form actual thoughts. 

"The lads are here to help you relax!" Gavin cheered as he nestled himself into bed next to Jeremy, kissing his cheek before he tucked his face against his neck. Gavin’s breath was warm against his skin, and focusing on his rhythmic breathing worked like a charm to get him to relax. 

Michael tucked himself in on the other side of Jeremy, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him so that he was laying on his chest. "It's a movie marathon. Doctor's orders," he said, eyes fixed on the screen as Gavin draped an arm over his two boys.

He let himself soak up the affection for a few moments, before he remembered that there was a job today that they really needed to start getting ready for. They couldn’t be wasting their time hanging out in bed with him. "Guys, that's sweet," he started to say as he shifted to sit up, to get away from the boys, but they held him firmly in place. "But I can take care of myself just fine." 

Michael hummed skeptically, squirming a little to free his arm from between them and Gavin so he could feel Jeremy's forehead. His fever was still pretty bad even after his nap, not to mention how sweaty he was because of it. "Hmm... Nope, don’t think you can. You definitely need a doctor. Or four of them, specifically. Just don't question their medical licenses, got it?"

Gavin snickered and lifted his head to look at Jeremy, frowning a little bit when he didn't lay back down right away and kept trying to break free. He leaned in to kiss his cheek, cooing softly and taking hold of his shoulder to urge him to lay back down. "Relax, Jer," he murmured, "let us help you." The lad whined, but he realized there was no room for argument as Jack and Geoff quietly burst through the door and joined the cuddle pile, bowls of soup in hand for everyone, so he laid back down against Michael. 

Five bowls of soup and two movies later, Jeremy was dead asleep once again, though he wasn’t any less shaky. Regardless, he was happy to feel so loved and cared for, even when he'd been so scared. It made him feel so stupid now, though later Geoff would tell him his fears were justified, that what had happened to him was terrible, and he shouldn’t blame himself for not reaching out sooner. They were all just happy that he had at all. 

It was three in the morning when Jeremy's fever finally broke, and everyone just cuddled in closer, relieved that he was starting to feel better again. 

[somegrumpynerd]

​Assorted hcs for the Fakes messing around with the peyote thing:

-Nobody could tell Gavin and Jeremy apart because they were both white poodles so Fiona took them to a dog groomer and got their fur dyed Rimmy and Golden boy colours

-In return for the weird looks she got doing that, they played doggy wingman to make her look good in front of cute girls on the way home

-Every time they’re getting too rowdy or just being nuisances in general, Geoff threatens to call the vet and get them all fixed

-If somebody turns on autodrive and he chews the controller at the right angle, Matt can still play mario kart

-Fiona has tried a few times to set up that scene from lady and the tramp with the spaghetti but they all just pig out on the food immediately and ruin it

-They all want to be pet. Some of them tried to pretend they didn’t but it lasted all of a few hours and now they all demand attention constantly

-Even long after they all eventually turn back, Lindsay will still bring stray cats in and insist she can’t take them out because it's Jack, even if human Jack is in the room at the time

-Human Jack will often chime in “she’s right, that’s me”

[rosebudsink]

Read Neighborhood Watch by @peantutbutter it made me laugh and I love it for an Alfredo backstory

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