#first off you're an asshole

[tiger-in-the-flightdeck]

.... Roy, you're supposed to be explaining why people think Connor's gay, not why they think you're gay.

[stormyoceans]

LINE READING SO DEVASTATING I NEED TO DIE ABOUT IT

[hella1975]

hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x

[corfisers]

two weird things that happen to me more often than i'd like and feel like they are on the opposite ends of the same spectrum: forgetting that i do actually speak two languages and forgetting that some people who post here in english speak only english

[hamartia-grander]

Tbh I think reposting someone's tumblr post because they turned off reblogs is an asshole move regardless of your intention or the content of the post itself. People don't lose the right to privacy and autonomy just because you decide they deserve to.

[pennamepersona]

the thing that finally let me understand wyll was seeing a couple posts about how he's like. unfazed in the beginning. this is normal to him

very "the day you were taken by the nautiloid was the worst day of your life. for the blade of frontiers, it was tuesday"

[giantkillerjack]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

[pirefyrelight]

Ive been riding my bike to work for the past week or so and I've noticed a few things. One, of the two major roads that have bike lanes, both of them are shit and I have simply found an alternative route that uses sidestreets with less traffic, and two, random children on parking garage rooftops wildly overestimate my abilities.

To go into more detail on that second point:

The last stretch going to my work is a just steep enough decline that I've never noticed before when walking or driving, but am able to sail down into a pleasant breeze for about 3 blocks (baring stoplights and pedestrians). The downside, or rather the going up side of this, is that after a long day of work I might as well be climing everest biking home those first few blocks.

And of course, another thing I've noticed, is that no matter which way you're going there's a headwind.

So picture me, last week. 9 hour shift. No sitting down since I got on my bike that morning. Hot as balls but in that way it *could* theoretically be worse? In black pants and t-shirt as is dress code and I haven't gotten into the habit of bring shorts to change into yet. At the start of the summer I haven't been on a bike in at least 5 years, probably closer to 10, I am so incredibly out of shape.

So this goddamn child, this hooligan hanging out on the top of a three story parking garage, sees me battling for my goddam life, going uphill into a headwind and sweating so bad he can probably smell it from up there, calls "do a wheelie" like sir the only wheelie that's imminent from me is being blown back down the hill in such a way the front tires get caught first. The only trick doable from me right now is getting to the top without falling over.

[scare-ard--sleigh]

ohhhhhhhhhh my goddddddddd and now the fucking t*ble t*nnis guy is passive aggressively up my ass : \

[conspiracy-crows]

Gender is fucky

Because I am not a woman, not a girl, hell not usually super femme even. Some in the system are, but not girl, not woman however

We are A Careless Man's Careful Daughter

no matter our name or pronouns or what have you.

[zoekrystall]

Rant. Hate traveling to the city so much.

I need to get to the big city today and I am this fucking close to biting and going feral. Why the fuck do you wait by the door so much prior to the destination coming leave me the fuck alone you people had sit places. And of course no-one wears a mask so not suprised. Get away. And also of fucking course this train system is useless as fuck and I come 20 minutes at min later to my appointment and if that isn't fine then I'm going to go feral for real I'm already so done. If selfish people wouldn't be assholes could I maybe at least eat or drink between leaving and coming back home but I'm not risking shit. Fucking hate here man I wonder why I either barely go out or if exclusively with other people and then this is the state and I remember. The coughing just adds I don't want anymore. If anyone starts to sit next to me without a mask will I have even more bloodlust. If I'm lucky I get cozy and turn into snuggle cat mode once home and if not will I have to sleep again bc otherwise I will be unable to function for anything bc only one emotion is allowed to exist until sleep reset.

[custom-whats]

This is an entirely unrelated thing, but i had an idea for a “custom” follower forever ago that, if you’d like to hear, i’ve put below! warning: its fucking long and i dont have the time nor energy to make it real beyond thinking it out.

To begin with a few precursor things: i enjoy asshole characters, as we dont often see them as followers and they flesh out the world of the game in a nice way, and i enjoy characters that are relevant to specific plots within the game. If there are personal stakes involved, like serana with her story, it makes it all the more satisfying to look for dialogue and go through to the end of the quest with them.

And i’m also DEEPLY mentally ill about three things: castle Volkihar, moral ambiguity, and a guy named ronthil.

If you’ve never heard of him, i don’t blame you: he’s a vampire bosmer within clan Volkihar that does nothing but serve as a merchant and a speech trainer. His wiki is super fucking small and the unique thing about him is that he’s treated worse than dirt within the clan, making him sleep behind a bookshelf iirc. He’s constantly staying on the good behavior to not get kicked out and making himself available to tasks. ur standard pathetic meow meow, so of course i like him.

Anyway my proposal was to turn Ronthil into a “Serana dialogue add on” styled mod that changed some of his core motivations, re-contextualizing his people pleasing personality, offering players an additional perspective into clan volkihar’s inner workings, provide players who were already vampires a different start to dawnguard (because a vampire hunter approaching a vampire and said vampire going to the vampire hunter’s lair is suicidal stupidity at best), and finally provide a moderate voice for why somebody might wanna be a vampire and stay that way.

so the proposed changes start like this: Whether or not you’re a vampire, you’ll sometimes see a man wandering about at night along the roads. If you’re a human, he basically doesn’t interact with you.

If you’re a vampire, he makes the suggestion that something of value to the both of you has come to his attention recently, and if you were to help him he’d be more than generous with the earnings. Obviously this is an equivalent exchange, as he is considerably ill equipped to take on anything nasty, so you’ll have to do a lot of the heavy lifting as far as fighting goes. If you agree, he leads you straight to Dimhollow crypt and the quest follows as normal. You return Serana home and are given the typical reward offer.

Assuming you accept, you’re given the standard speech and told to get your ass going to redwater den. If you speak to him after (you’ll find him loitering about) he’ll offer to accompany you, off the record of course, if you require him. He will then be available as a follower from that point on

If you’re wondering why a Volkihar vampire is being so charming and so helpful for no good reason, he’s not being; the truth of it is that he’s an intense social climber. He sees that Harkon favors you for the return of his daughter and you’ve already shown off your combat prowess at dimhollow, now with the added bonus that you’ve been given the power of a Vampire Lord. He suspects that rubbing elbows with you in a positive capacity will prove beneficial to him rising up that clan ladder down the line. Though, to be fair, he doesn’t at all suspect that it all leads to Harkon’s death, and you & serana effectively becoming the most powerful ppl at court.

 Still, that’s really all the better for him so long as he can prove useful enough to you to be given a higher position, or at least treated with more dignity.

Ronthil in this version is basically faking all of his niceties, and underneath it all is a calculating little bastard. He wants power and status, typical vampire desires, but wants them for the protection and strength they provide, not necessarily to squash people beneath him (though he’d be tempted were the mood to strike him. I mean, he IS a vampire.) His climb to the position he’s in now, lowly as it is and even with how he’s treated, is still something he fought tooth and nail for, so he’s not willing to risk himself being stupid unless he thinks there’s something better in it for him to be that way.

aaaand i just ran out of creative juice, so thats the general idea i’d cooked up. if you read this far, congrats and also wow i sure hope you like vampires lol.

[depvotee]

If Dragonborn scary........

Why does he look like that..........

[blackswallowtailbutterfly]

I don’t think you understand the concept of being poor. Must be nice. If it was that easy to save money, I would. When you live off $450 dollars a month on disability checks, you don’t have the luxury and privilege of having hundreds of dollars stashed away for fucking ice cream trucks. But thanks so much for acting like I’m stupid for not being as privileged as you are.

Dude, shut the fuck up. My grampa, who is the one who encouraged me to always keep cash on hand, lived through the great depression. My family was on welfare on and off throughout my childhood. But your fucking dumbass thinks what, a soft-serve ice cream is $20? Anyway, sucks to be you when you need to take public transit or get a small meal but can't because the debit machines and ATMs aren't working and you never bothered to have even a little bit of change on hand. :)

[yardsards]

someone near my apartment had a sticker of their instagram handle on their stupid uglyass fucking rich people car and i looked it up out of curiosity and the cunt had himself listed as a "public figure" despite having approximately 300 total followers

[savage-rhi]

Daily Highlights #14 (3/7/23)

3 Things That Made Me Happy

A friend checked in on me while I was flaring up and shared their art. 

My bearded dragon didn’t try to eat my fingers this time while I fed them.

My lover bought me a slice of cake just for fun.

3 Productive Activities I Performed

Productivity be damned. I slept most of the day so I didn’t deal with the brunt of the flare. 

3 Self Care Activities I Accomplished

Made my bed extra comfortable after calling out for work.

Kept interactions with others minimal so I could spend my energy on feeling better.

Went through a mental list of reasons why I’m not a burden and committed to said list.

3 Emotions I felt Today

Scared 

Troubled 

Elation 

Overall Day

7/10 Jeff Goldblum’s