#for a finished race which a lot of ppl (including me) didn’t know was a rule lol. and then they put him in a little room they’d prepared

[utvarpcity]

couldn’t watch it live bc i was away so i just finished watching the race and i have to say esteban’s defending against lewis was delicious 😌

[misterbitches]

hi! this is long as shit i’m sorry. i hope it makes sense. i ahve adhd and like 5 million learning disorders so this is just word vomit cos there’s so many words in my brain. my b.

i’ve had such a tough day so thank you for replying and sharing! @yeedak​ 

i was thinking about what i wrote and i meant to clarify that as well. some cases are fine for both parties and it’s not like you weren’t consenting and it seems like you were happy! same with my friend who was dating a 20 yr old. if they’re happy you know i’ll clown on ‘em but yea. so for anyone that sees these posts your relationship with your partner who is older or whatever. i’m some dumb girl on the internet okay. ill side eye older ppl tho

i think a lot of people feel the same way you do now (me included.) it feels really good at the time but alter we can see the dynamics playing out. i’m 29 now and i think aging is just such a huge process. it’s wild how you at 31 are a totally different person, right?

and the US racism is probably some of the worst ever in its iteration because of slavery which started from europe etc but USA is so fucking unique bc of columbus bringing slaves here and displacing indigenous peoples or hispanola and because america is so influential the way it views race, particularly with black people as objects, has so deeply permeated into the current historical psyche globally. it’s fascinating to track how necessary anti blackness is to the flourishing of america but also the world at this point. also want to point out how fuckign scary sinophobia is here especially for covid. one is a straight historical line (black ppl + the US) and the other had to be manufactured and to continue to exploit the non-white americans and keep antiblackness in tact.i could go on about this all day. the pain of this place is immense.yet as bad as it is here, this is still the only place i truly feel safe as a black person. because of the unique experience we have in america and through the diaspora especially because we are veyr much ocncentrated here. it would be nice to like move to norway and have some alleviation financially or get free healthcare it’s just not feasible if no one looks like me. it’s fucking tough. 

i hope you don’t hate it here though and people treat you with respect. but as you know being a woman and jewish and an immigrant....shit is tough. the USA is a hellhole. :( america is so deeply tainted and desperately bad because it was founded on strife and blood and there’s no way to reverse that and what this country did in turn when it gained enough power and could capitalize off of the colonial forefathers. this is why we hsould all luv revolution!!!

HOWMEVERRRR 

boy oh boy oh BOY OH BOYYYYYYYY. well wlecome to the world of BL lmao especially as an adult with some obviously deep perspective just given your background. it is a fucking mess and it’s a hard mess to like but it pulls you in. i approach it like i do with soap operas since these are essentially telenovelas, you know? just like the drama at a billion. but the tricky part of that is like....what parts of it do we understand for critiquing? because so many of the shows are so bad at being like good pieces of things to look at just production wise and story wise. but i feel like these shows ask us to take them seriously, so why shouldn’t we take the content seriously? and this is being primarily peddled to young girls. 

i bring this up often but i read this thing about yaoi and the interest younger women/girls have in BL and its fascination with pederasty essentially. this component i think is key when we talk about who gets affected by these things the most. society in general is bad 4 girls bla bla we know lmao but in “more sexually conservative” societies it may be harder for these girls to feel safe even expressing normal emotions romantically and sexually and particularly with guys. some people hypothesized, and i think i agree with this hypothesis, that they can live through the casualness of BL. they don’t feel threatened because they can put themselves into the shoes of the other character. oftentimes, the more feminine or the younger. this was in conjunction with the age gap aspect (they say pederasty as well because there’s unethical age gaps that r gross and that is indeed what we would at least call a touch of sexual abuse if people dont feel like calling it an obsession with youth and power and uhhh young ppl and perhaps kids) where maybe girls could see themselves in these situations as the person being saved, loved, taken care of, and sadly also sexually active and penetrated. 

i think that’s just one aspect of it but i do think there’s validity in who gravitates towards it. i cannot imagine seeing this stuff and not getting enough information as a young kid, i sure as fuck know i didn’t!, and seeing these things and you look at it with 0 critique because you’re young and you may have no interest in it or you simply cannot understand what is wrong. no one is teaching you these things and these shows confirm it. and it is wild how intrinsic patriarchy is to BL although in its existence it also can’t be in line with patriarchy given the nature of two [cis] men!

it begs the question about the replacement aspect. is it just so girls can put themselves in these characters shoes? if so then that means we believe that gender is so interchangeable within our relationships and interactions and that doesn’t seem right. there’s more to lgbtq+ than just existing; it’s finding ways to communicate, finding a family, safety, your people, being a free person. there’s a lot to gain and a lot a lot to lose. and a gay man is also not a woman because those are also two distinct experiences.  especially in societies that have a more hidden aspect to sexuality (idk how to word this bc the BL industry would NEVER survive in america but in a way there’s a more “progressive” look at homosexuality but it’s still fucked up because we live in a Society, you know? at the same time look at what we are doing to trans kids. literally waging war so it’s bonkers how we all collectively have some real progress happening but at the same time not at all. the concept of ‘ladyboys’ and the frequency we see trans people in thai shows is wild and something that we absolutely do not see here in the US. still, none of these groups feel safe or are getting better material conditions in either place. we just show the ways we can try and tolerate oppression witout eliminating it imo)

to me it is clear: it’s money. which most things exist to make money so. but also who is the audience for these shows? and they have to market towards them. all that said all hope is not lost there are some decent shows. it’s just like regular media on TV though where it’s so fucking saturated as an industry that it’s literally sifting through garbage. and there are some days when you can handle the trash and others where it really fucking hurts to watch the violence, the rape, the manipulation, the violations, the stupid messaging. i have never seen more people trying to do mental gymnastics and seeing if things were “technically rape” than in teh BL fandom and that is so fucking sad.

i came into these shows at 28 with almost 0 clue of what as media BL was like esp as media that countries can use as soft power with the revenue. but i realize like...i’m 29 now and so many people don’t have a sizeable, though not huge, amount of life experience. and i wonder for people on the internet who are usually searching for something if they spend so much time on it like what a 15 year old girl thinks. what a 20 year old girl thinks. 

it is incredibly problematic and so awful but there’s also some rewards. if you haven’t i would definitely watch i told sunsset about you which i don’t think i’m going to finish and i doubt i’ll watch the second installment (watch this be a lie) but when i say some fucking impeccable storytelling and art? phew. now that is a fucking piece of media that works. it takes from moonlight heavily and you can see like...the artistic dedication is there and the story makes its world and sets up its stakes extremely well. 

i think because this is marketed towards much younger people too they know they dont have to try as hard. but they SHOULD because then you can have a fucking masterpiece like that. i think even this prolific gay thai filmmaker (who is like solidly against the government) who is so respected (and who i like a lot! if u wanna know i can tell u lmao but the films are very uhhhhhhhh “artsy”) would like i told sunset about you. i wish more people had budget like that and also just cared about the stories. it’s the fucking magic of art to figure out what you can do but there is very little incentive honestly. idk i am very pessimistic. there are days when it’s really a great pick me up and distraction but it is never a place i would love for to feel seen or heard but i’m more of the mind of i never trust the mainstream until they prove me wrong ;) 

or i never trust the mainstream and i still buy into it anyway and then cry when i don’t like what i see adn i yell “BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!” when an old man won’t leave a teenager alone

[lilyhoshikawa]

🎥🎶💕🏳‍🌈💎 for hunters perhaps? >:3c

Oh golly! Ok fndkfnfn let me do this then. This may be difficult-

🎥: Do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

This is hard bc I have a lot of scenes I like and good scenes keep happening dhdjfn.

There are a lot of stand-outs so far. Among them is definitely like, the confrontation in the car between Blake and Sakio, and the recent social link scene with Blake and Lena on the boat.

Scenes that DON’T involve my own character that I adore include. The scene with Sakio and Camellia at the graveyard. The scene with with Lena and Twitch outside the store. The Sammy’s scene where they read Tango’s letter. Also the scene with Sammy and Masumi bc it was just extremely funny.

🎶: If your hyperfixation has songs / an OST, what is your favorite song from it?

Hm. Well time once again to advertise my Blake playlist, which I’m constantly putting a lot of work and thought into tbh dhjddb, I’ve deleted a fair number of songs from it when I feel they don’t fit, and I’m constantly messing with the order of the songs in relation to Blake’s prospective characters arc, and adding more as I find them fndkfnf I’m always on the lookout.

Also, vane is constantly updating the official playlist with some real bangers, and I appreciate that. Amil’s and Twitch’s themes are real good.

💕: Tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

Everybody has really really good characters, heck. One thing that strikes me is that even with taking the backseat and having to be on autopilot for several sessions, Camellia still has such a strong and distinct personality, to the point where everyone is on the same page abt them, and I think that’s just really amazing dhdjfjf, that’s how strong an impression they make every time they’re around.

Lena is also so good, she’s like… I think abt her frequently. Sometimes I just start giggling when I think abt Lena, bc she is a national treasure, and I hope she knows I care abt her. She’s great in this way that she’s both very funny/cute and also has a lot of depth and nuance to her arc, and I’m so excited for more.

In the same vein, Sammy. No one character has made me go from giggling to sobbing as fast as this green goat. One moment Sammy is making their cat do a little greeting and I’m rolling on the floor from the cuteness, and then the next second they’re crying and saying they don’t want to be left behind, and then I am also crying. How do they do it. The absolute range.

I also really appreciate Ilse like, particularly in contrast to Blake sometimes, in that Ilse is very smart in a way that’s quiet, self-conscious and careful, while Blake is at times recklessly arrogant, and those two bounce off each other well. Ilse feels mature at times but every time they quietly like, try to be the bigger person, or to not make a problem of themselves, I wanna give them a hug and be like “u deserve to be recognized and acknowledged and u deserve better” dhdjdndjdn. When u have big personalities like Sakio and Lena and Blake in the party there’s something compelling abt Ilse being with them and not asserting themselves as they try to do their best, if that makes sense, and I want them to know I see and appreciate them.

Sakio is also so good and I’ve talked abt this to vane plenty before but holy shit. There’s so much obvious care and love and effort and skill that went into writing a character who is both wrong in many ways, and who many player characters antagonize for good reason, and yet still so incredibly sympathetic, so likable and so compelling. The fact that both Blake and Lena have this relationship with Sakio where they don’t like or trust her, necessarily, but also can’t deal with her not being there, is so fucking good, it creates such powerful conflict in the smallest of ways. Sakio is great bc I love her and I understand her and I appreciate her, but I also wanna yell at her and think she is absolutely horribly wrong about incredibly crucial things and u can FEEL that turmoil in her as well, with her knowing on some level that her actions are going to cause harm, and she’s just waiting and hoping to take the fall, thinking, maybe foolishly, that she can, and that doing so will save everyone else.

I also fucking love so many minor characters we haven’t seen much of so far. I absolutely love Bee and I’ve told vane abt this but she’s just a total icon. Theo is also great, he is the only valid he/him in the entire campaign djdkfj. I love Twitch as well and I’m very excited for some of the interesting stuff in Twitch’s arc that has been hinted at coming to fruition later on, that’s very exciting. I’m also very excited to learn more abt Amil’s whole deal, I appreciate them a lot and I feel bad every time I have to make Blake come pester them fndkfnf. Oh also Prim, how did I forget Prim… what’s going on with her, I have no idea, but she’s a mean lady and my love for mean ladies is well-documented. Also her look is iconic. Also also Puck, the fact that he’s a child and I didn’t know it for several months shocked me to my core but it has made his brand of Shakespearean mischief that much more endearing, and now I seek only to give him snacks and let him sit in his funny garbage throne. I forgot abt Puck earlier so I’ll say he is the second valid he/him in the campaign but frankly I think Puck should take some neopronouns for a spin, he deserves it.

🏳️‍🌈: Do you have any headcanons (LGBT, race, neuro, etc.) that are important to you?

(*throws neurological disorders at Blake*) jdkdnfkf no but jokes aside. I love that this party is like, 5 player characters, 4 of whom use they/them. Just. The raw power of a persona series written by LGBT+ ppl…

I can’t speak on other ppl’s characters too much but as for Blake, they’re a closeted transfem and also too much of a disaster for a coherent sexuality but probably bi. Autistic, and an abuse survivor who experiences paranoid delusions and self-destructive tendencies. Probably more, but specifics are messy, they’re a fucking mess, what’s going on with them, they don’t even know.

Masumi is a binary trans lesbian, also an abuse survivor and manages quite a bit of paranoia of her own, dealing with mood swings and occasional delusions of grandeur, most of it she keeps internally managed which isn’t great for her mental health.

💎: Are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

Blake’s original characterization was thought up prior to the campaign and was very different from their finished characterization. They lived on a farm with their parents and were pretty quiet and passive before being arrested for a murder they didn’t commit (this part is the same) and their personality was way more quiet, reserved and passive, with the whole celebrity aspect completely absent. They were still going to be the sort of clever leader type character but leaned far more into the background. Their design was also different, with their hair in a low ponytail rather than high and scars on their face from scrapes and accidents working on the farm.

I realized that, even though this character was more of an original idea than Masumi (who I was playing in another campaign at the time and who was characterized somewhat differently as well) I didn’t find myself excited to write them, couldn’t get invested in them in the same way, and as I kept workshopping them I decided to be more self-indulgent and lean more into shamelessly making them an Akechi expy in more ways.

And what resulted from that, ironically, is what I feel is a better character in the end. Blake feels more dynamic, lively and interesting now than the old iteration I first thought up, back when I was intent on making them My Own Creation with their own arc. At this point I’m comfortable saying that Blake, for all their similarities to Akechi, has evolved over the course of the campaign into a more interesting character, into someone I recognize as distinctly different and who stands out. They feel unique to me, and feel like my own character. And I think that only could’ve happened through playing them in a TTRPG like this, in developing them along with others, and having to adapt, and I think that’s the beautiful thing about developing characters with other people. The Blake I’ve ended up with is one I’m really happy with, who I feel is more interesting and dynamic to me than if I had just tried to force something unique just to not feel cringe about making an expy. And maybe I need to learn that lesson before I go through the same thing with Zee fjdkfnf.

[spookygondolier]

Well I sure took a deep dive into gifted kid discourse tags at 1-2am. I have a lot of feelings about being labeled a “gifted kid” and the way it affected how adults perceived/reacted to me and also the way I thought about myself, but we don’t have time to unpack all that at 2:30am so instead here is a collection of my scattered reflections after going way the hell back in some tags:

- I absolutely believe that there’s race/class factors that influence which kids get identified for gifted programs, I just haven’t actually observed it in my personal life because my elementary and middle schools were very racially and economically homogeneous, and then when I was working in schools in more diverse areas they were charter schools that didn’t have gifted programs

- I feel like gifted programs themselves actually played a relatively minor role in my school experience? Apparently some ppl had separate gifted classes but in my elementary school we just had like an after-school program where they gave us projects or puzzles or something. Middle school had some “advanced” classes I guess but it was pretty much the same curriculum as the other classes, just taught at a faster pace or with extra work. My high school didn’t have any sort of program, it barely had one AP class lol (this was also the least painful part of my school experience because it was a very small school with an unusual structure that worked well for me)

- my lack of involvement with gifted programs is also possibly because i wasn’t actually in the gifted program for a whole lot of my early school experience. I didn’t test into the program when they first tested kids in third grade because the test was entirely visual pattern recognition and spatial reasoning and apparently I didn’t score high enough. When I skipped a grade they gave me a different test and I qualified at that point so I got to be in the program for the remaining 2/3 of my 5th grade year

- on that note I’m not convinced that gifted programs actually do anything meaningful for most of the kids in them. Like I guess they tried to give us “extra challenges” or “enrichment” but they sure as hell didn’t help me in any real way with my actual academic needs, I ended up just switching schools to help with that. It’s not like I really made friends with the other kids in the program either, I was more interested in books than people and being around other “smart” kids didn’t change that

- most of my gifted kid baggage in fact came from my parents and grandma getting really into researching stuff like “how to raise gifted kids” and then me doing my own research and basically constructing my entire teen identity around being The Smart One and being like ~a quirky misunderstood genius~ (and also from being consistently praised by all the adults for doing well in school and not really complimented on anything else)

- i never really had the full gifted kid burnout experience because I just kind of kept being good at school all the way through college (because I managed to teach myself study skills at some point and also I was motivated like 90% by anxiety and 10% by stubborn determination to finish things regardless of the personal cost, fueled by a side helping of continuing to feel that my self worth was tied to my grades). I am just good at doing things in the way that academic settings like for them to be done, which does not in any way translate to having skills that help me in life outside of school

- in conclusion, I think that if schools intend to have gifted programs they should not just treat them as extra bonus fun classes for the special smart kids, they should include opportunities to modify the standard curriculum in meaningful ways based on individual kids’ skills/interests (not just by giving extra work), possibly in a way similar to an iep where stuff gets tailored to kids based on their individual abilities

And also don’t just tell kids they’re gifted and then expect them to excel at everything all the time, like there should be some acknowledgment that a lot of the kids you’re labeling as “gifted” are probably neurodivergent (just in a way that at the moment makes them appear to excel in certain school settings, like being an advanced reader or knowing a lot about a specific subject). Also, no kid is perfect all the time and you should never expect them to be, regardless of how “smart” they are!

[queerfables]

Supernatural Post-Mortem (1x12 - 1x15)

P, N and I discuss these episodes after the fact, because I didn’t make notes while we watched them. I don’t think I actually have any major warnings for our conversation about these episodes. 

1x12 - Faith

Notes to self, as a reminder of what it was about: “Dean faith healed, reapers”

When I read these out to P & N, they both start making excited sounds and I join in because yeah, we all really loved this episode!!

N: This is when Dean nearly died saving kids, too. P&I: Is it? N: Yeah, at the beginning, when he got electrocuted! Another point for Dean is good with kids! P: A good boy!!

This is the episode where Dean’s life is saved when it’s traded for the life of the gay man.  Me: So, like, Dean was given his heart! P&N: Ohhhhhhhhh. N: Aw, Dean has a queer heart. Me: I mean, we knew that already.  N: Yes, but it’s surprisingly literal and I love it.

N says, “I think every time Dean tries to problem solve in an episode, there’s probably a simpler solution.” When he was in the tent trying to stop the faith healing from happening, he yells, fire, but he could have like ACTUALLY started a fire, which would have stopped the lady from hanging around and trying to continue killing the guy. Or he could have faked a heart attack, which might have made people doubt the whole faith healing thing. 

P&N disagree with me on this, but I personally think the subtext of the villain in this episode trying to kill Dean when she realises he’s trying to stop her is that it’s because he’s queer. She doesn’t try to kill Sam, even when he’s trying to stop her just as much - she locks him in a basement and tries to reason with him about why his brother is an abomination. (Ofc I do tend to think Sam is queer too, but maybe she hasn’t figured that out). 

I generally loved the lady who had a brain tumour in this episode. It was really powerful to set her up as, like, complicating the narrative of “We have to stop these healings from happening”. It’s not wrong but she kind of shows why it’s not that simple, there’s always a cost even to doing the right thing. She also feels like one of the first ladies Dean actually had a real connection with, their - maybe romance? maybe friendship? whatever it was - really worked for me. 

N says they loved how the reaper was super keen to kill the lady who’d been controlling him. “I mean, I would be too. I don’t wanna go around murdering queer people!” P agrees. “Right? I love queer people.” I would definitely rather murder homophobes instead. 

1x13 - Route 666

Notes to self: “Cassie, Racist Truck”

P: Oh! I loved Cassie!  N & I agree. Cassie was great. 

I actually did start making notes from this episode while we watched but I never finished them. Here’s what I had: --Dean says he was called by a friend who really wouldn't have called if it wasn't urgent. Me: "That sounds like an ex" --It's Cassie! I'm excited to meet her! --P, N & I agree Cassie is a babe and we're excited to see how Dean fucked this up

N says, “It might have been me reading too much into it but I actually thought this episode was a pretty solid commentary on race.” 

N: I really thought that, despite the entirety of supernatural handling race about as well as a greased football, this episode had a solid multiple-layer analogy for the way racism, historically and currently, expresses itself across communities and generations. the analogy goes as far as making it clear that the instigating incident that prompts the angry, racist resurgence is done by a white dude, but that he is shielded from the initial backlash and consequences while the revived racism starts out targeting tangentially-related black people instead--something that definitely happens irl. It also makes it clear that a) racism is something you have to actively examine and purge, sometimes multiple times, b) it is not over even when the racists are dead and its spectre lurks amongst our communities and, most importantly, c) respectability politics are junk and sometimes you have to help cover up a racist’s murder

P says that they love that the white dude was a cop but, like, actually a good cop. Again, because of the covering up racist murder. 

I’d like to emphasise that I loved the way that Dean and Cassie’s relationship was portrayed. It turned out it was actually not entirely Dean’s fault that this fell apart. I mean, I personally think he should have lied to her until he was able to come back and then told her the truth, so she wouldn’t think he was coming up with a bizarro lie to leave her, but also like... He was trying to be honest, he wanted to really connect with her, and I have a lot of feelings about that. 

I’m sad that Dean and Cassie aren’t going to work out in the long run but I understand why. Would have been cool to see her again, though.

I just want you all to know that through a very, VERY meandering conversation, we now have N and P arguing over whether octopi or alligators have the perfect body.  N: Sack! Tentacles! Beak! P: SCALES AND TEETH. N: I’m just saying that the number of problems you can cause as an alligator is kind of limited. All you can do is bite things.  P: That’s all you need!!!! We’ve declared the conversation a draw for now but they’ve promised (threat) to come back to it later

Also N is now looking at Giant Squid fanfic and keeps announcing things like “There’s a whole tag for ‘Dubious Consenticles’??” and “SQUIDITCH”

None of this is related to Supernatural but it IS very funny. 

1x14 - Nightmare 

Notes to self: “Sam’s visions, telekinetic abuse victim gets revenge”

N says, “This was just fucking intense, if I remember” and P says, “Yeah, it was scary.” 

N says they saw the guy’s death coming as soon as it was revealed it was him committing the murders.  Basically, Sam and Dean couldn’t have trusted a rehabilitation arc without being directly involved and the nature of the show is that they couldn’t have been directly involved.

We understand why the episode played out the way it did but we wish it handled it differently. We were all 1000% on the telekinetic victim’s side and fully supported him murdering his abusers. I remember when we were watching it, being, like, horrified by the things that happened to his dad and his uncle and then when we found out the truth about how they were abusing him we were like “Oh, yeah, warranted.” We do think the mother was probably abused too and that’s why she didn’t step in to stop anything. Still understandable that he can’t forgive her, though. 

My main thing I’d like to say about this one is that I love Sam connecting with the other people who’ve been affected by the yellow-eyed demon (in later episodes too) I would really, really love more of that tbh, I want him to form a network. I love how much he understands and relates to this kid, and how hard he tries to save him. 

I also love the part where seeing a vision of Dean in danger allows him to use telekinesis too. We’re in the middle of s2 now and we haven’t seen that again and it’s a shame!!! I want more of that!!!!

P says xer mad the show dropped Sam’s telekinesis stuff too. “In a later episode, Sam says he gets visions but other people get other things, and it’s like, ‘No! Buddy! You have more than that!’” N says it would be cool if they set it up so that Sam’s powers, in addition to getting visions about the other people like him, included being able to use their same powers when he’s near them. Like the episode later on where a guy can use mind control?? Instead of just being immune, wouldn’t it have been rad if Sam could do that too?? KILLER. 

1x15 - The Benders 

Notes to self: “THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. Sam in a cage.”

P: OH YEAH, this was the one that wasn’t even like -- N: It was just people.  P: Yeah, it was just dudes being dudes. 

I very much enjoyed this episode. N agrees. I think P is distracted typing something on xer own computer. N says, “It wasn’t as fast paced as some of the other ones but it was fun.”

N: I have thoughts about the way they handled the cop killing the head of the family. I feel like he was already cartoonishly evil--to make him openly sneer in the cop’s face about her dead brother and hunting ppl as an in-the-moment justification for killing him seems... almost cowardly? he was an irredeemable human-hunter who raised an entire family to hunt ppl in the woods. that’s enough justification! i think viewers should get that. you don’t need to make him have a rude snarky one-liner to justify his death. commit to ‘some humans are Bad’ properly!  P: I have thoughts about the little girl. She was weird and creepy and I didn’t like it. I think my major issue with her was that she was a child, who was used as a twist to be the worst one of the family, which is so overdone. We get it, kids are creepy. And also, given that the rest of her family - her dad+uncles/brothers(??) and her grandpa/dad(??) - were murderers, implied cannibals, and general all around awful people, she’s more likely than not a victim of abuse. So I think portraying her as the worst of them all is callous at best, highly problematic at the worst. Get her therapy and away from the people that call themselves her family. Anyway, it boils down to that I think it’s overplayed, and I wish she had a happier path than “Oh, she’s so creepy!!!!”

I love N & P’s really interesting and coherent thoughts but I have to be completely honest that 90% of my thoughts about this episode were like “Mmmmmmm, Sam in a cage” and later “Mmmmmm, Dean tied to a chair.” The other 10% was me having emotions about Dean being desperate to find Sam. Don’t let that undercut the extent to which I loved the episode though. I really loved this episode. 

[writeinmysoul]

It has been wild. At the lambda club meeting, we went over some interesting shit. The club is for the lgbt community on campus. Anyway. We went over some interesting and slick important shit that I had little interest in focusing on. Like, we talked about mental health, which is important, and then we went into things like intersectionality and privilege and such, which is also important. But the part that bothered me is that we had a white male talk to us about black womens struggles in the lgbt community, and it was sorta fine ish, until like, the predominantally white club began talking.

This one guy talked about how he was bullied for being white in elementary school, and that’s why he doesn’t believe you’re born into privilege. And he just kept going on about it.

We also had this activity where there was different words around the room. Race. Religion. Age. Gender. Sexual orientation. Cool whatever. They’d put questions on the PowerPoint and we had to go to the words we felt matches that question for ourselves. Like what part of your identity are you most aware of everyday. And people explained like why they chose the answers they did for themselves. Another question was what part of our identity was most important to our families. Another was what part of our identity did we feel most discriminated for. There was also, what part of our identity do we feel the most privilege from, and my answer was of course none. My friend and I sat in the middle of the room because we’re both lgbt woc. Like. What is privilege. So when they asked us why we sat down instead of choosing a part of our identity, that’s what I said. I don’t know what privilege is. But I’m like a joke way you say when you mostly mean you can’t relate to that. And he took me seriously and tried to have someone explain to me what privilege was. And I’m like, I know what it is, and as a gen z, non religious mixed African American, panro ace female, i have no fucking claim to privilege. And then the other dude who said he was bullied for being white was back to talking about the way these don’t have privileges and blah blah. And how white ppl are oppressed too. Whateverrrr.

Someone tried to relate being trans to being black. Which like, doesn’t remotely work considering we’re talking about intersectionality and how being a woman, esp woman of color, causes us to be treated differently and less than white lgbt and such, and you’re a white male, and we’re talking about the specific struggles of LGBT women of fucking color, and black trans women have it a shit ton worse because they’re black and women and trans. And this isn’t to diminish the struggles of any trans person. Because there’s struggles everywhere and it’s not a competition. But also, you can’t compare these two together when that defeats the purpose of this fucking conversation. And then started talking about plus sized women. And I’m plenty plus sized, and you’re not, so wtf does this have to do with the topic at hand. No. Shut up.

There were a lot of moments that I and the few other black ppl were upset or aggravated or whatever. Including when someone started talking about their white guilt. Please don’t actually. I can’t even. Anyway. I feel like these were important topics and I appreciate that they wanted to put in the effort to stress it’s importance, but as a white male, speaking to a predominantly white club, with no black ppl in their organizational staff, about black women struggles, this is not something they were prepared to handle. Especially without like actually having a WOC speak. And they’re doing a black pride booth in Nashville this weekend. And I’m genuinely triggered because of the lack of black people at a black pride booth. What.

——————

@dolores-hazy I had typed this the day it happened on Wednesday and then just left it in my drafts cause it’s stupid and I didn’t care that much enough to finish it or even post it. But I didn’t know how to like, answer your question of the annoying white dude without going into a lot of detail and I didn’t feel like retyping that. so here’s most of the important stuff at least. You don’t gotta read it.

[amireallyme]

How it all Started

I just graduated and I still feel really sentimental about it. this is quite a long post so bear with me.

I first met him on the bus on my first year of secondary school. he was that kinda person that you’d go “wow, he’s hot/good looking” at first sight. he was my bus eyecandy. he takes the same bus as me although we board at different stops. for 8 months, I didn’t know that he was a teacher in my school (though in my defence, there’s 2 routes that you can take to my school and he was also a trainee teacher). I only knew when my senior sent me a picture of him and his boyfriend at the gym. when I received the picture, obviously I recognised the dude whom I see on the bus everyday duh. word spread around the graduating secondary students that he was gay. I was the only non grad student who knows about this secret of his. it never left my lips to the ears of my batchmates or other ppl.

over the holidays before the start of my second year, I bumped into him and his boyfriend when I was at the supermarket. I was on my phone then and was pissed w this couple who blocked my way so I looked up. the dude on the left looked shocked while his friend just looked at the two of us holding eye contact. that guy was really familiar but I couldn’t recall. I was super tired and just wanted to quickly get my stuff and go home so I just squeezed right through the both of them. I then realised it was my teacher. he didn’t had his spectacles on and his hair was dyed hazelnut brown.

the next day, I had english oral examination. as I walked into the room with 4 other classmates, I had a shock of my life when I saw him sitting at one of the tables. despite trying very hard to avoid him, I eventually had to go to him for assessment. I stuttered a lot for reading aloud and I couldn’t hold a conversation with him during the spoken interaction segment. I mean who wouldn’t? at the end of the whole assessment, he thanked me and gave me pointers. “XX, I know we haven’t met...” I felt very ‘attacked’ when he said that cause I knew that he meant that we know that we both exist but never exchanged words before. I thanked him and stood up. the other teachers in the room looked at the two of us and smiled, apparently I was the last to finish despite being the first to come in. I ran out of the room, embarrassed.

when the new school term started, we met on the bus again as per usual— this time, he smiled at me. I felt so flustered, I didn’t return back a smile. the only time I get to see him is when I go to school and go back home. apparently, he started walking to school after reaching the interchange instead of taking another bus. so in addition to my 15 min journey to school, I get to walk ‘with’ him too.

he has a bad resting face, especially in the mornings and I got used to just making eye contact w him in the bus and acknowledging that as a ‘good morning’. there were times when he’d fall asleep and I’d wake him up and he’d do that with me too. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to be packed in between people so I always let others get off first before I get out of my seat. so does he. whenever he sits behind me, he makes sure that I stands up first. whenever he sits in front of me, he lets me walk past him and he’ll walk behind me.

our first real interaction happened in the student council. he was posted to my school officially and was in the student leadership department aside from the english department. in the later months of my second year, I got to know of the way he does things and how he works and honestly speaking, I was actually amazed by him. right after end of year examinations, we had to fill a form to choose our subject combinations that we would like to take in upper secondary. truth to be told, I was hoping that he’ll teach me in upper sec.

on the first day of school, I got to know my new form teachers. they were really nice. I got my new timetable and I scanned through the names. since I’ve been in the council for 2 years, I knew quite a lot of teachers and their initials. I was delighted with all the teachers that I got cause ALL of them were either Heads of Departments or well liked teachers because of their teaching styles. though, I wasn’t quite sure of who was my english teacher. I didn’t know his name then so I was excited for the second day of school since there’ll be english period. unfortunately I fell sick and took an MC for 2 days. on that thursday, we had english for first period. I was fooling around and talking with my friends when I realised that I’ve yet to know who my teacher was. “yo, who is CKJ?” I was waiting for a response from my tablemate when the class chairperson told us to stand. I did and looked in front. it was him. after greeting, he called me to the front of the class “hey, how are you? are you feeling better?” I smiled and said that I was. I went back to my seat, with my heart racing fast. my wish came true!

I never liked english lessons cause I find them boring. however, he actually made lessons wayy interesting. he infused technology, games, debates, etc in class, he not only changed my perspective and attitude towards english but the whole class’. never in my 8 (now 10) years of education have I actually looked forward to english lessons. he would find me every now and then to ask me to help him out to distribute notes, collect homework etc. I felt kinda bad for the eng rep at times cause he’d still come to me although she’s near.

around May, we had an overseas immersion programme. I chose my country of choice. when the results came out, I went to the notice board in front of the general office to check out whether I got what I wanted. I did, and at the bottom of the list, it stated the names of the teachers that were in charge of us. HE WAS IN CHARGE. I was ecstatic. we spent 5 days 4 nights there, the longest trip for a short haul flight. for those 5 days, he stuck to me like my personal tour guide. he’d ask me about the geographical features of the place (he loves geog and he knows I take geog as well) and just random stuff that’ll pop in his head. when we were given free time to roam around a museum, I realised that he went to every painting that I looked at. since I was a systematic person, I realised that he might be one as well. so for the next artefact, I walked across the whole room. before I realised, he was already behind me. “what do you think this flag is symbolic of?”. later, we were driven to a geographical landform which was popular amongst tourists. our tour guide left us to take pictures and I used that time to just sit and watch the waves. my friends unknowingly start to block my view so I got really angsty. I nudged and kicked them away. I heard a laughter. it was him. he sat next to me and we just talked about the formation of the headlands and bay. when I got back to my hotel, I was informed that before I started getting all cranky, he was already standing behind me and smiled widely when I was raging. when we reached the airport, he offered to send my home via cab when he knew that I would be taking the public transport home cause my parents were too busy to fetch me.

3 days before the trip, I was announced to be the new head prefect of the council. only the 10 candidates knew of this together with the council teachers. during the trip, he announced to everyone there that I should get the honour to hold the school banner. I didn’t know how to react so I just smiled sheepishly as everyone gasped at the news. this year, he was changed to another department. he had my picture on one of his slides regarding our plans after high school. I was the joke of the cohort cause I changed gender ( he arrowed my picture to guys of different races and level of educations ). he told his form class that he chose my picture because I looked good and suited the context of the presentation slides.

he’s a really professional teacher. although by the second year his secret was exposed to everyone and people made fun of him, he never cared and continued his day to day behaviour. I really respect him for that. he also doesn’t mix personal feelings into work. if I have to describe him in a word, I shall say reserved. he’s not the type of teacher to strike conversations with students and he only talks with a small group of teachers. I was no different, although, he did come to check on me once in a while when he walks past me while I’m studying and would give me energy snacks. it’s an open secret among my batchmates that I like him and everyone knows that he treats me a lil differently, including some of the teachers, although it’s not that obvious. I actually don’t know what to do now. should I confess to him and move on or just keep it this way.

yes, my first legitimate crush is him. I eye candy a lot of people, evident in how it was the same for him at first but I gradually grew to love him for him and not only his looks. mr c (my form teacher) is the only teacher that knows about this.

[not-so-lonely-star]

(B)romance in the NHL

Summary: A viral article about Kent and Tater’s bromance sparks some confessions. Word Count: 3,700 Rating: G

  The music skips with an incoming text that Alexei ignores as he mixes his smoothie and hums along. Once he adds the last chunk of banana he slips the lid on the blender and turns it on. A few moments later he turns it off and the silence is jarring. Alexei walks over towards where his phone is laying on the counter, hoping his battery hasn't died yet again. His phone has been on the last leg of life for a couple weeks now, but he's too attached to it to change it in for a new one, no matter how much the rookies tease him. 

Alexei picks up the phone. It isn't dead. It buzzes incessantly in his hand as 20 messages turned to thirty with three missed calls and several voicemails. Alexei swipes in his password and scrolls down the list of names until he reaches the first message. It's from Kent. The first is a link with three messages in quick succession after.  

Kent (8:57 am): I didn't even notice them take this   Kent (8:57 am): It makes us look kind of gay... don't you think? Kent (8:58 am): Okay yeah other ppl think it's hella gay too wtf 

Alexei clicks on the link from the first text and his heart feels like it's beating out an erratic rhythm in his chest as he waits for it to load. Once it loads he breathes a sigh of relief, it's just the article about bromance in the NHL. A couple months ago he'd been contacted by Cosmo to participate alongside Kent in a best bros piece about cross team friendships in the NHL in an attempt to broaden the hockey audience. The concept was simple enough, they'd contacted a bunch of different hockey players with friendships well documented via social media and called them in to take pictures and give a short interview. 

Two weeks ago, once they were both free with plenty of time in the off season, he and Kent had flown out to LA and posed for a bunch of pictures together. Each pair of friends was photographed playing some sport other than hockey. 

Alexei knew Snowy and his buddy Kicker from the Schooners were doing water polo, because Snowy had complained to Alexei for a solid three days afterwards that it was 'the lamest of all polos'. Alexei and Kent had been given wrestling. The singlet they gave him was so small Alexei had popped into Kent's dressing room, certain that it was his - it wasn't. Kent's was tight and in aces black unlike the one Alexei was holding in falconer's blue.

Once they'd gotten dressed, after a lot of wiggling on Alexei's part, they'd been brought out to the set where a wrestling mat was set up and they were told how to pose. Most of it was fairly benign, Alexei pretending to have Kent in a headlock, Kent crouching to knock Alexei over, them standing together with arms slung around one another's shoulders, that sort of thing. After a couple hours of taking photos the woman in charge of the shoot, Shelly, stopped them.  

"Alright boys," she'd said, walking over towards them and shaking both their hands. "I think we've got a bunch of great shots here. So you can feel free to go ahead and get changed. We've got a few more photoshoots and interviews scheduled, but the article should be posted in a couple weeks so keep your eye out." She smiled at them before walking back to the photographer. "Thanks again for coming," she said over her shoulder at them, "It's been a pleasure." 

"Thank you," Kent had said, smiling, "it gives me an excuse to drag this lug out to LA finally." 

Alexei had rolled his eyes good naturedly, "I am telling Kent I been to LA many times before -" 

"Playing hockey and never leaving your hotel doesn't count." Kent smirked at him and before Alexei could even think about what he was doing he'd lifted Kent up and they'd both gone crashing down onto the mat. After grappling for a minute Alexei had ended up on his back staring up dazedly at Kent standing above him with his hand outstretched to help him up. 

Alexei puts his head in his hands as he stares down at the photo. He hadn't even realized that the cameras were still rolling while he and Kent were messing around. The picture was taken a moment after Alexei knocked them both to the mat. In it he's pinning Kent's arms above his head and his legs are straddling Kent's waist. Kent has a grin on his face, that's more smirk than smile, which at the time had Alexei's heart skipping a beat before returning in double time. Kent's left brow is raised in challenge, but it's Alexei's face coupled with their position that's incriminating. His eyes are soft, his smile joyous and it's obvious to anyone looking that he's in love. 

Alexei groans, and lets his head thunk down onto the cool counter. He hadn't realized he's been so transparent with his affection for Kent, if he had he never would've agreed to do the photoshoot together in the first place. Maybe no one else really noticed though, he thinks hopefully as he runs to get his laptop because his phone really is a piece of shit. 

His laptop boots up quickly and Alexei holds his breath as he googles his own name. Before he even finishes typing it autofills with Alexei Mashkov Kent Parson gay? He curses softly before clicking on the first article that comes up and it has more than just the picture from the Cosmo site. There's paparazzi photos all the way going back to their rookie year, to when Alexei played for the Aces. None of the pictures would be all that incriminating on their own, but together... 

Alexei groans and takes a deep breath before scrolling down through no less than twenty pictures of the two of them sitting just a little too close at sporting events, smiling at each other over dinner, sitting together in pubs, and most notably a picture of them slow dancing at Chaser's wedding last year. Chaser was the only other rookie on the Aces in their first year and had invited them both to his wedding even though none of them were still on the same team anymore. 

"Why you are not dancing?" Alexei'd asked, having just come back from the dance floor where he'd had six kids hanging off of him like a jungle gym. 

Kent had rolled his eyes and held up his glass, "This is more my style." 

Alexei had plopped down into the chair beside Kent and smiled at him. "I know you like dancing. I see pictures all the time of Ace's Captain dance at club." 

"This isn't really my type of dancing." Kent's nose had crinkled at the thought. Alexei's heart was still a little erratic from his time on the dance floor. 

"You are not knowing how," Alexei'd teased in a singsong voice. 

Kent had scoffed. "I know how to fucking dance." 

Alexei stood up and stretched out his hand to Kent in invitation. "Prove it." 

They'd twirled around the dance floor together, laughing with fingers entwined. At one point Kent had buried his head into Alexei's shoulder and it'd made Alexei's heart race and his palms sweat. The other hockey players at the wedding had teased them afterwards, but the smile Kent couldn't seem to completely wipe from his face the rest of the night had been worth any chirping they'd received.

Alexei knew their picture had been taken, but they'd been goofing off, he hadn't thought anything of it at the time, but now it was showing up on a gossip site less than twenty minutes after Cosmo posted incriminating photos. He isn't sure he wants to read whatever this site has to say about him and Kent, but it's like a car wreck he can't look away from as he scrolls down. 

The article following the photos is short and mostly excerpts from the Cosmo interview.  

Cosmo: So you two have been friends since your rookie year. Can you tell us about how you guys went from being teammates to friends? KP: Well my rookie year was pretty rough, it was a big change from the Q [Parson was in Juniors prior to the 2009 draft] and Tater didn't know anyone - AM: Or any English KP: [smiling at Mashkov] We bonded over a mutual inability to cook and be actual adults. 

Alexei knows there was a follow up question to that about what sort adult things they didn't know how to do, it somehow devolved into Kent ranting about Kit. Alexei's not exactly shocked the site he's on chose not to include that conversation - if it even ended up in the final interview of Cosmo's website. Alexei had gotten so distracted by the picture he forgot to even look. 

Cosmo: I'm sure our readers would be interested to know what the two of you do when you hang out together. AM: We like going [to] movies, I can cook now and Parsnip like[s] to [Mashkov looks to Parson and gestures at him] KP: [laughs] Mooch AM: Yes, yes he mooch[es] off of me. Cosmo: Is he a good cook Kent? KP: Oh yeah, definitely. I love when he cooks for me. 

Cosmo: Do you two have anything planned together during the offseason? AM: Kent is come [sic] to Russia with me. KP: Since when? AM: I [told] you my mama want[s] to meet you. KP: Yeah I thought you meant in the US man. AM: No, no. I mean in Russia. KP: [Laughing] Apparently we're going to Russia together. 

Cosmo: Kent you always seem to have a new beautiful woman on your arm. Any chance of you settling down soon? KP: [laughs] Is this your polite way of telling me to stop being a player? Cosmo: No, no of course not. I just want to let our female readers to know if they've got a chance. KP: Oh alright then, [laughs] as long as you're not trying to ruin my image.     Alexei knows, he knows he shouldn't be reading the comments but he can't stop himself from scrolling. 

There's already over 800 comments when he starts to read them, and the number keeps scrolling up. There's argumentative comments defending Alexei from what they think are false accusations tinged with disgust at the implications, debates continue in threads below that, a surprising number are supportive and there's a single comment, fifteen responses deep from a gay teen who says he's decided not to quit hockey now from just the idea that there might be professional hockey players like him. Alexei stops reading after that one.  

When he attempts to go back to the original article to see what else had been included from their interview he can't because the site has crashed. Alexei pushes his laptop aside and walks back to his kitchen, ignoring the incessant buzzing and dialing Kent's number without even glancing at his missed calls and texts. It doesn't even finish the first ring before Kent's picking up.  

"Dude, where the fuck were you? I've been trying to call you for twenty minutes." His voice sounds tinny and far away like he's using the speakerphone. 

"Sorry," Alexei says, running a hand through his hair and feeling his heart rate slow from the panicked seizing it was doing moments before. He'd rather not think too deeply about that. "I - are you alone?" 

"Yeah," Kent sighs through the line and Alexei can picture him fingering the brim of his snapback. "I'm in the car on my way to your place now."

"What?" Alexei asks. 

"I was in New York visiting my mom," he says, "I'll be there in like two hours." 

Alexei feels selfish, but the fact that he'll get to see Kent today nearly outweighs everything else. "Okay," he says, taking a deep breath, "I am sorry, котенок.  Is my fault they are saying these things. I should not have -" 

"Shut up Aloysha," Kent says. Alexei sucks in a quick breath at the rare use of his nickname. "This isn't on you. I'll explain when I get there - just don't promise PR or your GM anything before I do alright?" 

Alexei nods, "Yes okay. I tell them we wait to talk to Aces before say anything." "Sounds good man," Kent says before hanging up. 

Instead of sitting in his apartment letting his anxiety brew while he waits for Kent, Alexei calls Georgia and PR who are both surprisingly not upset with him. PR is pissed at Cosmo for using that shot, but the conversation actually goes far better than he thought it would. They even tell him that they were coming up with a plan for one of their other players who's planning on coming out and Alexei has absolutely no idea what to say to that. Georgia tells him that how they proceed is completely up to him; whether or not it's true he can deny it, or if he wants to come out the organization is behind him 100%. Alexei doesn't really know what to say to that because the number of people who know he's gay are exactly 2  - including himself, and the boy he kissed behind the bleachers in Russia nearly a decade ago who he's fairly sure doesn't even remember his name. He tells them he has to think about everything and hangs up before they can say anything else.

His phone won't stop buzzing and Alexei considers turning it off before deciding that it might not be a good idea. He checks the clock every five minutes trying to figure out when Kent'll get here, and when he's got about twenty more minutes to wait if Kent doesn't hit traffic when his phone buzzes with a name he'll actually bother picking up for. 

"Alexei are you alright?" His given name sounds foreign on Jack's lips and he furrows his brow in distaste. 

"Zimmboni," Tater exclaims, attempting to maintain some sense of normalcy. "How are you? When am I getting more pie from your baker?" 

"Tater. You have - you've seen the article, haven't you?"  

Tater sighs and his facade falls. "Yes, I'm seeing." 

"I'm bi," Jack blurts, "well either that or pan. I'm not entirely sure yet, but I just - I thought it was something I should tell you. I mean, no that's not right," Jack says, words tumbling out so fast Alexei thinks Jack may have surprised himself a little with the confession. "It's something I wanted to tell you." 

"Thank you," Alexei whispers, unsure of what else to say. 

"I'm planning on coming out soon," Jack says, "while it's still off season, eh?" Alexei nods. "Is good time I think." 

"I can -" Alexei can hear Jacks gulp clear through the line, "I can do it now. If it'll help - if it'll take the pressure off of you." 

"NO," Alexei near shouts, "no, no. You do not come out for me. You come out for you when you are ready. Yes Zimmboni?" 

The line is silent for a moment and when he speaks, Alexei can hear the undertone of relief in Jack's voice. "Yeah, yeah okay, you're right. I just - I know it can't be easy for you to have these rumors about you." 

"They are not being rumors," Alexei says before he can stop himself. 

"What?" 

"Rumors means not true, yes? " Alexei's never said the words out loud before, and even though his heart feels like it's about to pound out from his chest he continues, "Well they are not rumors because I am gay."  The words fall off his tongue as easy as any other and it seems anticlimactic that his roof doesn't cave in and the world around him doesn't come crashing down. Everything is the same as it was moments before, but it's different too. 

"Thank you for trusting me with this," Jack says, as though it's a phrase he's memorized. "So you and Kenny are..."  Jack's voice has a lilt to it now Alexei can't identify and he feels his heart cracking and splintering around the seams. 

"No, no is not what seems." Alexei corrects him, walking over to the window with his phone held up to his ear before peeking through to see the swarm of reporters camped out at the end of his mercifully long driveway. 

"Then I think you should talk to Kent," Jack says, as though it's that easy. Before Alexei can respond Jack is ending the call and there's a commotion at the end of his property.

A dark blue four door sports car barely even slows for the reporters blocking the end of his driveway. Alexei stumbles towards the switch by his door leading to the garage and presses it, opening the garage door just as the sports car reaches the house. An impossibly quick moment later his door is opening and he's got an armful of Kent Parson. 

Alexei wraps his arms around Kent's shoulders and Kent buries his face deeper into Alexei's chest. After a long moment Alexei moves to pull back out of the hug, but Kent's arms remain firm around his shoulders and Alexei relaxes back into the embrace. When they finally pull apart several long moments later Kent's eyes are rimmed with red.   

"I'm so sorry,"  Alexei says. 

"What?" Kent asks, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Dude why're you sorry? It's my dumb ass that got us into this mess." 

Alexei looks at Kent with confusion twisting his brow and Kent huffs a sigh, flopping down onto his couch and throwing an arm over his face dramatically. Alexei follows him and lifts Kent's feet so he can sit at the end of the couch. Kent doesn't put his feet in Alexei's lap - which is weird, because they sit like that all the time. He's got his legs squished up in a way that absolutely cannot be comfortable instead. Alexei picks Kent's feet up gingerly and places them in his lap. 

Kent peaks out from under his arm and groans. "Why do you have to be such a perfect asshole, man?" Before Alexei can even come up with a response for that Kent plows on. "I'm gay." 

Blood rushes through Alexei's ears and he drops his head down as his vision swims. Kent is gay, Alexei's best friend who he's in love with is not straight. He isn't sure how to process this information. 

"And I'm sorry that you've gotten roped into this - I didn't think some little fluff piece for Cosmo would -" Kent pinches the bridge of his nose and looks anywhere other than at Alexei, "The interview, along with how I'm looking at you in that fucking picture. I - " Kent pulls his feet from Alexei's lap and sits up straight. "I can fix this, I was planning on coming out soon anyway. I can tell everyone to fuck off that just cause I -" 

"What do you mean?" Alexei says slowly, Kent's words on repeat in his head. "What do you mean how you look at me?" 

Kent rolls his eyes and huffs, but Alexei knows him well enough to see the nerves beneath his frosty exterior. "Are you really going to make me say it man?" 

Alexei shrugs because the only way Kent's sentence would make sense is if he liked him, and that - he knows that isn't what Kent means. 

Kent sighs and his gaze flicks away from Alexei's before meeting it defiantly. "I'm into you, okay? Not in a way that means we can't still be friends or anything because you don't love me back and you're also straight so - "

"I'm not straight," Alexei says, mind stuck on an endless loop of the words love me back. His heart is going to pump right out of his chest. "I am very much not straight," he repeats because it seems like Kent didn't hear him. 

"What?" Kent asks after a long moment, eyes wide and brimming with something Alexei desperately wants to be hope. 

"And I do," he says, and Ken'ts looking at him like he isn't quite sure what Alexei means, so he clears his throat and says, "love you back, I'm meaning." He ducks his head because that is most definitely not when he intended to say but he's not going to take it back because it's true and Kent deserves to hear it.

Kent launches himself at Alexei and suddenly they're kissing and it's - it's everything. It's years of memories seen in a completely different light. It's two rookies who hold hands just a hair too long when they shake for the first time. It's finding Kent crying in the locker room after a reporter interrogates him about Zimmermann the night of their first game and not knowing the words in either language but scooping him up into his arms anyway and leaving that night with a newly minted best friend. It's smiling just a little too long and laughing just a little too hard at jokes that no one else in the room finds funny. It's the bright red flush that creeps up Kent's neck and settles on his cheeks when Alexei catches his eye in locker room. It's playing on opposing teams and going to the fanciest restaurant in town to make the loser pay. It's every touch and look that sends off a flickering trail of sparks deep in his chest that he always tried desperately to smother. 

It's Kent climbing into his lap and kissing him within an inch of his life. It's Alexei's hands dropping down low on Kent's waist as he pulls him closer. It's Kent breaking the kiss to catch his breath, forehead resting against Alexei's.

 It's Kent mumbling, "We're so fucking stupid. We could've been doing this for years," into Alexei's mouth before kissing him again.

[wildgrave]

a long ass post in which i discuss my v interesting day (including discussion on the racial inequality in the justice system & how we can stop conservatives from yelling about how undocumented immigrants are “taking our jobs”).

in race & ethnicity, we’re on our crime & punishment unit, and today one of my classmates spoke to our class about his experience with incarceration. 

essentially, he and a friend stole $57. he was a minor, and got 20 years. his friend was an adult, and got 18 months. all the other variables were the same -- same record, same judge, same public defendant -- except for race. the guy in my class is black, and his friend is white.

he talked a lot about his experience in prison and how fucked it is. how they do nothing to help or change or educate you, and how everything he learned while in prison was from his fellow inmates or from his own self-reflection (he spent a year in solitary confinement). he got out after 6 years after appealing his case with money he didn’t have (he was being paid 50 odd cents an hour) and is now on parole until 2037. and, of course, besides being given no help with rehabilitation, he’s also marked a felon for life, meaning that he can’t vote and it’s almost impossible to get a job (and part of his parole is that he must have a job).

he talked for about an hour, and everything he said was moving in one way or another. but the most moving thing by far was at the end, when a girl asked whether or not he regretted stealing the money. he said he didn’t, because otherwise he would have never known how fucked the system was, and wouldn’t now be able to advocate for change.

after class, i thanked him, and told him that he moved me. what i didn’t say was that he had literally changed my entire perspective. of course, i knew about racial inequality in the criminal justice system. 1 in 3 black men will be incarcerated. 1 in 6 latino men. 1 in 17 white men. i knew the numbers, but there’s a difference between reading a textbook and listening to someone who has been through it all speak to your face.

but it made me reconsider my entire career objective. i know i want to do something that helps people, and that i’m altruistic and want to make change -- why not this specific area?

but i had to go to my next class, which ended up being equally as interesting, but for completely different reasons.

we started off with a group presentation which is supposed to take 10 minutes. it took 45 minutes, because it sparked a debate. “debate” is putting it nicely. crudely put, we tore em a new one.

the presentation was about immigration from central and south america to the united states. the first two guys in the group both seemed liberal, but when the third guy started talking, it was clear where he stood, because the other two literally looked miserable as he rambled on and on about how dangerous undocumented immigrants are and how most of them bring drugs and how a wall is a good solution.

at the end, he asked for questions, which is where it all started.

first, i asked why he kept saying “they’re taking our jobs”. why does he feel that it’s his job to begin with? why does he feel a sense of entitlement for a job he doesn’t even want.

then, another guy, who it has been revealed to me has done extensive work to help undocumented immigrants (among other things), started SPITTING STATISTICS. this guy was literal fire. first he backed up my idea about american citizens not even wanting the jobs undocumented immigrants take -- 5% of american citizens are unemployed. out of that, 85% do not even look at jobs taken by undocumented immigrants. that means that less than one percent of americans are actually in competition for jobs with undocumented immigrants. 

seriously, this guy was amazing. he knew facts on top of facts off the top of his head, and he came for these guys. he questioned their sources and countered their claims.

after 45 minutes into class, my professor cut him off because we needed to actually do our lesson. i have no idea what it was, by the way, because i proceeded to start tweeting about unionization and undocumented immigrants -- you know, your classic liberal staples.

at the end of class, i approached the guy who had DESTROYED the presenter and told him how much i liked what he had to say. we ended up going to the cafeteria and talking for nearly two hours about various political things. he was really, really well read and interesting. he worked for a lot of things i like, like bernie’s campaign & black lives matter & this program to help relieve marginalized and migrant women of the poverty cycle. overall, v cool dude.

it wasnt until around 5pm that i remembered i had a project due at midnight. so i said goodbye and went home and FOUND OUT I CAN PUT MY BANGS INTO SPACE BUNS, TAKE THAT LONG HAIR, and just finished my project!

the assignment was to write a memo to a politician addressing an issue and providing a solution. i had no idea what to write about, so being under a time crunch, naturally i checked twitter. and i saw what i had been tweeting during class. and i thought, why not?

so i wrote my memo to senator tim kaine with an idea. and, keep in mind, i have no idea if this is actually plausible, but it theoretically makes sense, and i have some historical context so that its logical. 

essentially, my idea was on how to combat the issues that conservatives claim undocumented immigrants have on the economy/job market. the two main problems i was combating were 1) american citizens jobs being taken, and 2) benefiting from public goods without contributing thru taxes. i personally know that neither of these things are really an issue, but i was trying to find a solution to get republicans to shut up.

the solution i made up? repeal right-to-work in virginia & allow undocumented immigrants to unionize (which, coincidentally, is THE most left-wing sentence i have ever spoken).

i started off by explaining how right to work is NOT in the state constitution (we voted against adding it on election day) and therefore it is able to be repealed. then i made the historical comparisons between how we talked about black ppl post-civil war and how we talk about undocumented immigrants now. that is to say, white ppl have been using the same “they’re taking my job!” rhetoric for a long ass time.

my main comparison was during industrialization, when rly the only jobs black people could get were factory jobs or manual labor. since there werent many employment opportunities, they were willing to get less $$$. aside from replacing white workers with black workers aka cheaper labor, corporations also called in black ppl when white ppl went on strike. this created somewhat of a race war in the factory industry, which benefited neither race, but DID benefit the corp. a helluva whole lot, bc now they had workers COMPETING, and they could lower wages even more.

what solved this, you ask???? ALLOWING BLACK PPL INTO UNIONS. that way, they too could get fair pay, and since everyone was being paid the same, stopped racial competition in factories (for the most part; im generalizing a lot tho). 

so why not do the same thing now?? get rid of right to work in VA, and allow undocumented immigrants to join unions, thus stopping the undocumented workers vs. american citizen workers dichotomy that republicans especially have been trying to (and succeeding in) shoving down our throats and creating FEAR.

in addition, it puts an end to the “they don’t pay their fair share!” rhetoric. since undocumented immigrants are now apart of unions, their pay is no longer under the table. its legal. its traceable. its taxable. no more hearing ppl bullshit around about freeloading.

overall, i have no idea if thats actually, like, feasible, but i’d say it’s a pretty good idea for a project that i did in an hour. 

anyway that was my day & i know i rambled a LOT but cmon guys its ME, what did you EXPECT?>>>??

[aslan744]

My dudes, I am going to rant about a topic that is talked about a lot in the media. It is a topic that concerns me, as a Latino and as an immigrant. Ya see, I live in a lovely place called Wisconsin. If ya don't know much about Wisconsin, then lemme tell ya. We got them farmers my dude. We got a shit ton of farms and cheese and cows and shit. We number 1 in cheese production but not milk, which is weird. We are second. California is first I believe. ANYWAYS. So since there is a lot of farms here, my good ol Hispanic ppl come here and work in farms. Cause most of us had unos pinches ranchos, ya know. Con las pinches vacas and shit. So we familiar with these farms. (Sort of. We good with working with the animals. The machinery is something that we don't normally do, but we learn to use it, in hopes of getting payed and helping our family be healthy and live in a nice home.) Now that we got that shit outta the way, lemme tell u bout the actual shit that's going on here. Today, there was a Day Without Latinxs, Immigrants, and Refugees march in Milwaukee. This march began cause of the county sheriff, David Clarke. Now my dudes. I don't know much about this dude, but this is what I found. This dude pledged to "crack down on undocumented immigrants." He wants to partner up with Immigration and Custom Enforcements (ICE). He wanna do dis so the local police force can have the same power as the ICE, to be able to arrest and detain undocumented people. This dude wants the POLICE FORCE to have this power. Like bro, no ty. Now, my friends. I know some of u might be like "yeAH GET RID OF THE FOOKIN SMELLY ASS TACO BREATHING MEXICANS U FILTHY SLUTS!" Now, whoever thinks this, gtfo my post. Get out. Didn't ask for yo damn opinion. Now. For the ones that are like "gimme a reason to side with u" then allow me to explain. Now you see, as a fellow Hispanic, Jennifer Estrada once said, "Immigrants are the backbone to the dairy industry in my area and without them, the economy would get worse for all of us. People should not be afraid of law enforcement, they should not live under the threat of their families being torn apart." Now. As she implied, many immigrants work in the dairy industry. In my area, there are several immigrants working in farms. A big farm company near my area, Holsum Elm Dairy, (I hope I spelled it right) they have so many immigrants working there. Like. I barely see any caucasians working there. There are a few but like I barely see them. And they are a very big company, lemme tell ya that. If we were to get rid of all those immigrants, then the company would go down my friends. They would have to try to find several people who want to work. (Now this is gonna me my input in this, this isn't accurate shit, but this is what I see and I'm going to state it cause I can) Now, white ppl seem very fookin picky to me. With a lot of things including jobs. A lot of white ppl I know would say stuff like "Ew! I ain't gon' work at a place full of filthy, disgusting cows that shit everywhere! That's gross! I can just go work at Starbucks or Subway or something." Now I know of some people who would be totally okay with it but there's barely any :') So if all the immigrants left, it would be really bad for the company and the economy. And it's not just farms my friend. In Milwaukee, there is a big market that is run by Hispanics and many people in that area go to shop there. So if the Hispanics were taken away, then there would be no market. Now my doods, we also got them authentic taco trucks, the little carts that sell corn on the cob, Mexican candy, and ice cream. And remember my doods, it's not just Hispanics who are in risk either. There's a bunch of other races and ethnics and all other shit. Now on the other shit. As my girl Jennifer Estrada also said, many people are in fear of being stripped from their families. Personally, I don't really care about this economy shit. This isn't my country. I came here because my parents wanted a better life and we wanted to escape poverty. My whole entire plan was to be here, make enough money to actually stay alive, and perhaps go back and live our nice and quiet lives. If I really wanted to, I could try and stay. So economy isn't really important and it's not my problem if the economy goes down. Y'all are the ones who allowed this to happen. We warned you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Anyways. The only thing that really, really scares me is the fact that families are being split. That is THE biggest fear most immigrants have. Lemme just put a picture in ur head my doods. Imagine just causally driving towards the grocery store with your mom and siblings. (Or dad. Or guardian. Or whatever. And if u don't have fookin siblings then friends and if u don't have friends then by ur fookin self ajdjwjjsj Ima stop here) So y'all going shopping and shit and then the police stops you. Why? Your mom was driving correctly and shit. She didn't do nothing wrong. But ya know, the po po just pulls her over and asks for documents. She says something like "I don't have them with me." And then the police says "you're under arrest ma'am for [some dumb shit that I dunno I'm not a cop jfc djjwjw]" So now. Your mom is arrested and you're never going to see her again. Cause she's being deported. And now. You're living in a foster care cause you don't got any other family member. That right there my friends. That is something that could happen to ME. THAT right there is my biggest fear. Having my mother deported. I lost my pops man, don't gotta get my mother taken away man. Now imagine all the kids that are being affected. Kids like me. I am only 15 years old. Going to high school. Got a sister that's almost a freshman. Having a loving mother who works her ass off to take care of me and my sister. I don't really know what is to happen to me and my sister. I have papers to be able to study here, but not my sister since she is not old enough to get them yet. And my mother doesn't have documents either. In this situation I am the only one who will probably stay here, but I'll be parted from my family. That is my biggest fear. And I'm not the only one dealing with this shit. Other families are living in fear. This is why the march started. Because the sheriff doesn't want just criminals removed. He wants ALL undocumented immigrants to be removed. Now I'm okay with criminals being removed. When I say criminals, I mean people who have broken the law SEVERAL TIMES or someone who did some really bad illegal shit besides being undocumented. NOT someone who has to use fake documents. Because listen here my doods, lots of us use fake documents. The lady from Arizona was deported because she used a fake social security number. A lot of people have those man, and that social security number was given to us by the DACA program or the DREAM program. (I don't know much about the DREAM program cri) Now people are deported yearly. Like all the fookin time, but they are usually criminals. Families are still being separated but like it's the persons fault for breaking the law several times and for not being careful. (Not tryna be rude but it's true) Now listen. We are not threats to your beloved country okay. Several refugees and immigrants help this economy. We do the jobs that other people don't want to do. We all have our own reasons for being here. Some of us have no reason to be here, but they still here helping ya know. This country was made by immigrants. LET ME REMIND YOU THAT THIS COUNTRY WAS MADE BECAUSE Y'ALL LEFT YO KING TO PRACTICE YOUR OWN RELIGION AND BE ABLE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT FREELY. AND Y'ALL ALSO KICKED OUT NATIVE AMERICANS OF THE LAND THEY ALREADY OWNED AND LIKE Y'ALL RAPED AND KILLED THEM SO LIKE..... Anyways. This country btw, has no main language. It is not English. There just isn't one because there is so much diversity in this country. So like. Wake tf up. And realize that we aren't criminals and rapist. LOOK AT THE CHARTS AND INFO MY DOODS. MOST AMERICANS WERE KILLED BY AMERICANS. We barely did any killing my doods. We probably killed our own tbh. But like yeah. Also. I'm like okay with being deported. Like I can just go study in Mexico now like it's fine by me. Same sex marriage is legal in Mexico now and I, as a gender queer little lesbean, am totally okay with that. Except I don't wanna be deported just yet. Like. A bunch of drug lords are running around and killing each other in the streets of Mexico and it's crazy shit. I wanna at least finish schooling before I go back. Alright bitches. Lemme tell ya something. I love me some Barrack Obama. But lemme tell ya. He was one of the presidents who deported the most immigrants while he was in office. But he did this in a safe and sane matter. He got rid of the criminals. He still parted families but like, as I said before. The criminals decided to be pinches pendejos and like fuck shit up for themselves and they didn't watch themselves so they have a criminal record and then they got deported. Obama got rid of those criminals. HE DIDNT GET RID OF THOSE WITH FAKE DOCUMENTS. Why? Because he is the one who created DACA. He is the one who said something like "Alright, my fellow Americans. I'm gonna do a president thingy and make a program that allows the good immigrants that want to study and work here and make a living and shit. They allowed to apply for this good shit and take one step towards citizenship." And that's what my man Obama did. He helped us and warned us. He did some good reasonable shit unlike DONALD DUMP TRUCK. Also known as Donald Trump. Now. He needs to chill tf out. Like. Give him a beer. Take a fucking sip, babes Anyways. The point of this post is that I finished ranting and I hope I educated u guys and I hope y'all educate ur fellow white friends.

[katherine-rambles]

lately i’ve been learning a lotta things that.... make me wonder if i have low-key add/adhd?

evidence in the “probably” pile:

i learned recently that becoming angry at interruptions can be a symptom of focus issues, and that many add/adhd folks HATE interruptions.

guess who has literally scheduled her entire life around avoiding interruptions, since as long as i can remember???

like No Joke i would do homework in the early afternoon so my parents wouldn’t bother me whenever to do chores (because to them homework was Above interruptions, but nothing else was???) and then after they went to sleep i would read/play videogames/art/etc. all of which, had i done during the day, they would have felt ABSOLUTELY FREE to interrupt me and then get mad when i got mad at them for interrupting me and didn’t immediately drop it because i’m a stubborn asshat

from research of the above, i’ve learned about (and immediately converted to) the school of thought that “attention deficit disorder” might be inaccurate, and “attention regulation disorder” might be a better way of phrasing it. see this link for more info

from that link: “But with people with ADD, who have impaired executive functioning, the inability to self-regulate appears as laziness or lack of willpower. It clearly is not.”

i’ve always had IMMENSE trouble self-regulating. without places to be, work structures and schedules to support me? i 100% fall apart. i’m still having trouble, as a 23 yr old adult, at setting up bedtime and wakeup routines!!!

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Be easily distracted by things like trivial noises or events that are usually ignored by others.”

i can’t often stand music or tv or whatever while i work. either i just Stop Doing What I’m Doing and pay attention to the music or tv show (and thus waste a couple hours on tv shows i don’t even like) or i turn it off. 

relatedly: i cannot go to bed with the tv or music on, despite it being a regular occurance for many of my friends. (guess who stays wired up on sleepovers while other ppl fall asleep to media.... :^) )

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Be forgetful about daily activities (for example, missing appointments, forgetting to bring lunch)”

i circumvent this now by writing a bajillion lists all the time, but when i was younger... i almost failed sixth grade because i wouldn’t bring my homework to turn in. 

which is to say: i would take it home, i would DO all of the work, but i literally forgot to bring my homework to turn in, on a regular basis, for the better part of a year. 

my teachers were confused at my great grades but lack of homework, so they talked to my parents about it, and that got drilled the fuck outta me, but... yeah

also? i can’t sit anywhere but at the front of classes. if i am not at the front i cannot pay attention, due to all the shit that people get up to. i’d love to join u at the back of class my delinquent friends playing games on your phones, but i cannot or I Will Fail. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Have a hard time paying attention to details and a tendency to make careless mistakes. Their work might be messy and seem careless.”

there’s a job in libraries that i cannot do. it is called Shelfreading, and basically, the idea is that you read the collection numbers on the shelf (that bit on the end of the spine libraries use to keep things in order) and make sure that the books are, indeed, in order.

i begin falling asleep maybe four feet into shelfreading. i literally cannot do it when i am Any degree of tired in the first place, but even when i am at my Tippity Toppity Best i’m the absolute worst at that job. it is my least favorite part of libraries-- even including the time I had to be a part of moving a library, and i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Fidget and squirm when seated.Get up frequently to walk or run around.

me. 

i can’t sit/stand still. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Always be "on the go"

when i’m not depressed, i ALWAYS need something to do. i have ‘patience’, but only if i’m doing something else in the meanwhile. 

for most of my childhood, i had drawing as a “something else”.

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Talk excessively

hhahhaaaahahhaha i’m so insecure about this but basically i can and often will babble on until you tell me to stop. case in point: look at how long this post is getting. i do that in speech, too

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Impatience

fufufuuuuuuuck it me. i literally cannot play some games because of how slowly the characters walk. i will never be able to replay the older pokemon games because of this. rip me

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Having a hard time waiting to talk or react

!!! i’ve channeled this into “interrupting folks to help them find words”!!!!!! 

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Have a hard time waiting for their turn.

hhhhahmmmmm this might be a reason why i strongly prefer single-player sports. 

in tabletop, “waiting for my turn” doubles as “watch other people make fun things happen”. and any other time i need to wait i can usually do something else while i do so.

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Blurt out answers before someone finishes asking them a question.

yes. but it’s kinda rare, i wonder if this is one of those semi-gendered symptoms.

but also, did you mean, “raising my hand before the professor is done with their thought”? 

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Start conversations at inappropriate times.

hhhhaaaa i’m sure becca can attest to my inability to wait five seconds before beginnning a conversation that’s awkward while the person who reminded me of something is still around. 

something that seems like impulsivity might have a hand in:

right now, i really don’t want to be spending money. and yet??? i have like ten purchases in the past three days or so around 10 bucks a piece. for random videogames, toys, books, a tiara, a hat i found at a storage store, a couple of things i thought would make great gifts for specific folks in the future.... why tf can i not wait until i get my goddamn paycheck at the end of the week????

something else that seems like impulsivity might have a hand in:

i am a Serial Procrastinator. the only way i get things done is by procrastinating on one thing by doing something else. very few of my tasks are both Proactive and Not A Part Of Putting Off Something Else. 

from a different list of add symptoms in adults: Restlessness, Trouble Relaxing

i’ve said that i literally cannot relax. that is: actual relaxation occurs so rarely for me that i treat it more or less like a myth. 

from a different list of add symptoms in adults: Trouble Starting a Task

hey, did you know that this (in addition to being super tired) was literally what kickstarted my depression? now ya know

welp

more generally, i am a ninety-per-center. which is to say: i got a’s in school, but it wasn’t because i studied and memorized every last detail. getting 100% on anything was extremely rare for me, even though you’d think i’d have a higher chance at it with my average so high. 

i hate straight-up memorizing. i’m terrible at it. if learning only happened like that, i would be a highschool dropout. 

what i AM good at is being a magpie of knowledge. learning is legitimately a hobby for me. 

so learning MORE for me is often about contextualizing something new in terms of what i already know. 

one of my other hobbies? READING FUCKING EVERYTHIGN as a child. i read so much that my average reading-words-per-minute is 700 (w/ 100% retention-- that’s an easy reading pace for me), but i can jack it up to 1k with 80% retention. theoretically, if i could keep that up, the internet tells me i could read the entire bible in 24 hours at that rate.

my good grades also gave me a positive feedback loop: having good grades meant that teachers didn’t care if you doodled during class, and doodling during class is apparently a huge coping mechanism for ADHD/ADD.

uh. 

so. 

in researching and writing all this out.... i’ve basically convinced myself that i probably have some degree of add/adhd, but i had really good coping mechanisms that developed early. 

when some of the things i’d relied upon began falling apart, i spiralled into Depression because executive functioning is hard

oh my god now i’m taking a test and.... SHIT IT ME http://totallyadd.com/adhd-quiz-start/

ESPECIALLY 

My home or workspace is cluttered, piles everywhere.  Things have to be out where I can see them, otherwise I worry that I’ll forget about them.

When I am alone I talk out loud to myself to stay on track.  I have sticky-notes everywhere.  I’ve bought things and then realized I already owned one.

You probably don’t bounce around like a hyperactive child, but perhaps you often feel restless.  Driven.  Like there’s a dynamo inside you. Maybe you’re impatient.  On the go.  Thoughts race, sometimes tumbling, ricocheting as you pour out one idea after another.

I walk faster than others and have to wait for them.  I like to be in action, on the move.

this only applies in crowds; in other situations i’m small and can’t keep up the same with folks. But in crowds if I’m not moving forward i want to tear my hair out

I find myself stirring things up. Teasing. 

auuugh i’ve been trying so hard to stop this one because it’s often really rude and invasive but I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE STOPPING MYSELF

I’m drawn to one hobby or obsession after another. 

did you mean “project”? did you mean “life consuming goal projects that take ~80 hours during a month when i’m also in school full time and work part time??” 

I have more stamina and enthusiasm than anyone else if it’s something I find interesting.  I dive in whole hog, like a whirling dervish, with tons of energy.  But then suddenly crash. 

I always have lots to say, but I’m not so great at listening.  I can be an enthusiastic chatterbox who just can’t stop. If someone else tries to speak I get louder because I feel pressure to get it out. 

I am full of ideas – my mind jumps and races ahead.  I don’t sit quietly and consider, but immediately offer one idea or opinion after another. 

I may seem impatient or dominating, always adding my two cents, having to contribute my ideas… and I have lots of them. 

I’m instantly enthusiastic and interested in new challenges.  I say yes to everything, then end up overwhelmed with commitments.

HOLY FUCK

HOLY FUCKITY FUCK

I SCORED AN 18/18 ON A SCALE THAT’S MEANT TO BE 10/18 “YOU SHOULD MAYBE CHECK WITH YOUR DOCTOR”

you mean to say, i have been dealing with this all on my own, for TWENTY GODDAMNED YEARS, AND PEOPLE DIDN”T NOTICE OR CARE JUST BECAUSE I GOT A’S IN CLASS

i may be, more than a little pissed at this. hguhgugh