#for my entire life i thought i was an introvert bc hanging with people just. DRAINED me

[caninecowboy]

its honestly . crazy going from my living space where i have my OWN space but also am surrounded by people who support my gender and pronouns to living with my mom who misgenders me 9 times out of 10 and expects a prize for when she corrects herself and to be surrounded by people who make offhand comments about kids with autism and how weird they are like . [im in danger.jpg]

[raytm-moved]

talk about rook & idia-

GIVE ME A CHARACTER;

and I’ll break their ass down:

how I feel about this character: i adore idia, his entire vibe is immaculate and i just wanna give him a little pet as a treat. perhaps it's because im inherently drawn to the introverts: see levi from obey me but also the level of sass this man generates for someone who cannot hold a conversation irl without either perishing or going on a tangent for ten years is hilarious. all the people I ship romantically with this character: honestly i have not put a lot of thought into this of yet. i feel like it takes a certain brand of extrovert to haul his ass out of his perpetual blanket cocoon and actually do smth. angel showed me idia and cater which is been on my mind and mildly hilarious but im not sure. it would take plotting and the fucking slow burn of the century. either that or you hold his hand and he explodes instantly. oh, and yuu. My non-romantic OTP for this character: both lilia and ortho. i love those little gamers !!!! elaborating on their relationship would take me ten whole decades but i jsut want them to go on coop adventures and have a good time !!!! ortho is so important to him, the crux of his entire life basically, i just have a lot of feelings regarding the two of them. My unpopular opinion about this character: i think, despite the fact that idia is quite the introvert that he flourishes amongst other people. not sure if this is an unpopular opinion but he is out going !!! it's just getting passed the trauma and the i am mildly terrified of people era. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i just want him to hang out with his friends more !!!!

How I feel about this character: honestly, when i saw rook i had literally no idea what to make out of this strange lil guy. he just has some antics ??? he does and says things that make me go alskdkjasd but after seeing his interactions and witnessing him do his thing i'd say i've become pretty fond of this funky little guy.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: rook and vil are married even though they have been in their divorce era on and off for a while now. rime is slowly selling me on him with leona idk what their deal is but it's there. My non-romantic OTP for this character: literally all the characters he interacts with in chapter six and any other character he interacts with. rook has this innate capacity to just bring out emotions in others and me that make me go he could be amazing or hilarious interacting with literally anyone. and then ruggie bc the one part where he pats ruggie's tail is hilarious. My unpopular opinion about this character: i feel like he gets comic relief slotted sometimes, maybe not as much as other's but i feel like there is a seriousness to him that is often neglected to shine through as much as the fact that he is batshit insane. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i just think he deserves a good mani pedi and to get his hair done.

[memryse]

i wanna expand on my tags a little actually <3 loveposting for the mcyt fandom at the end but under a cut bc this is pretty heavy Backstory (tw for suicidal ideation) and i’ve never spoken about it publicly before but i think i would like to get it off my chest after all this time. bc i never really opened up about it and i don’t think i could say it directly to anyone

ok so. pandemic bad. we all get that right

i handled the first part of the pandemic p well. it was summer, as an introvert (and, as i have recently realised, an undiagnosed autistic who was REALLY struggling in sixth form) i enjoyed the freedom from other people. i ended a shit relationship (don’t edate, kids), got super into twisted wonderland, made some lovely friends in my twst server who i still adore to this day. i thought the pandemic would be great for me!

but as it turns out, i actually do need a little bit of contact with people my own age in order to not go insane. and to put my social situation into perspective, i had a friend group at sixth form who i never talked to outside of school and intended to drop the minute i had an excuse to do so because they were transphobic, and two friends from pre-sixth form who went elsewhere for sixth form who i Also barely talked to anymore because. again. undiagnosed autistic. reaching out to people just to say “hi” and make small talk is not my thing no matter how well i know a person.

so september rolls around, we start university. i my friends move to their unis, i move to mine for a bit, make friends with one of my flatmates, but then we go back into lockdown at halloween and both of us go home. again, i struggle to keep contact with her, and i’ve made no real friends in my online classes either - i talk in the group chats a lot, met my classmates once while i was still at uni, but don’t click with anyone. and it’s also november. so all of these things considered, the seasonal depression hits really hard.

i realise i wasted my entire time in school being a terminally online kid who can’t maintain friendships with people in real life (narrator voice: this is, again, because of the undiagnosed autism and wanting to share your obscure hyperfixations but nobody irl caring). and i also realise how little i ever have private conversations with people even online, that barely anyone ever even bothers reaching out to me personally despite me having several close online friend groups. and i just… get it into my head that i’m fundamentally unlikeable and broken as a person, that i’m not worth getting to know outside of a group setting. i start noticing everything about other people’s friendships to the point that i either have to remove myself from conversations where my twst friends would mention other people or i would just outright take out my misery on them because i had no other outlet other than this twst server that i ran. by the end of december, i was idly contemplating suicide pretty much every day. it’s without a doubt the most mentally unhealthy i’ve ever been - i’m normally very self aware/analytical of myself but i was so absorbed in how utterly miserable i was that i couldn’t see how much of a dick i was actually being. the worst part is that my friends did reach out, but at the time it didn’t help, because it just made it feel like people only cared because i was acting so obviously concerning.

i think around mid january i realised it was not healthy for me to be around those people, but even then i hadn’t realised i was treating them like shit, it was very much from a self absorbed place of “i will feel worse if i keep hanging out in this server”. so i just… cut myself off from people. deactivate my twitter. try to stop talking in the server as much as possible. focus on uni work. still utterly alone in real life - my two school friends would message me every once in a while, but i never know how to properly respond, which continues the cycle of me feeling isolated and broken. yknow what’s funny is that in hindsight we had a minecraft server with the three of us in december and my brain erased all connection between “your friends want to play minecraft with you” and “your friends like you and want to hang out with you”. and i knew they were talking and hanging out with each other too and that they knew each other’s personal lives, but i was comparatively out of the loop. what i’m trying to say here is that i used to not think jealousy was a genuine thing until i became the human embodiment of it

except for one thing. one of those friends is a wilbur/dsmp fan. and they keep messaging me dsmp references, which i absolutely do not get, but am sort of aware of the existence of the dream smp. i watch a couple of the videos they send me, but generally understand none of it. all i know from twitter is “dream is bad”

it gets to the end of february/beginning of march, and i say fuck it. i start watching wilbur’s dsmp videos, and then tommy’s. by the time i get to the exile vods, it’s become such a hyperfixation that i physically can’t concentrate in class anymore because all i can think about is watching the next vod. which, yknow, not great for my academics especially when i’m already struggling because of the Mental Illness. but what it does give me is an excuse to talk to my friend! and our other friend sees me getting into it and decides to check it out too (hi mint if you’re reading this. i’d put a heart but it feels a bit awkward after the paragraphs about suicidal depression) in total it takes me like. two or three weeks to catch up with the general gist of lore, with my first live streams being the prison streams. for related reasons i don’t remember most of that period. it was a BLUR

i reactivate my twitter because i’m unable to keep myself from gushing about the hypfx. at first i only use a 0 follower side acc because i think everyone will hate me for liking mcyt. then i decide to post it on main, predictably lose followers so i do end up making a diff account. BUT hog hunt comes out, which convinces sin, my twitter mutual since 2017 or 2018 to go from “will maybe watch dsmp one day” to “has to find out about this thing immediately”. we’d been mutuals for so long and are basically the same person but had never properly become close bc we were always into different things

and well. all of that somehow ends up in me getting into 3l and hermitcraft despite having awful associations with hc because of the shitty relationship from the start of the post. me, irl friend mint, sin and some other New friends manage to all become a friend group because of a minecraft server. long story short in april i travelled to london to meet up with them because they’re my dearest friends and i have photos of us on my wall all together wearing minecraft youtuber merch.

i talk to both of those irl friends nearly every day now. which all started with mcyt yes but we’re just overall so much closer now, we all live in different places but make efforts to hang out a lot - often for mcc <3

starting in december i allowed myself to properly start talking in that twst server again. for most of 2021 i’d been too hyperfixated on mcyt to even really want to, but i was also so disgusted by how badly i’d treated them that i figured they were better off without me. but… they welcomed me back with open arms, i’ve never felt an ounce of anger from them even though they definitely deserve to be mad at me for all of that. i talk to them most days even if it’s just to check in or share an outfit. they’re like my family and i love them so dearly

and finally! i moved back to uni in march and worked up the courage to join a society - i became such fast friends with them, we hang out so much and i met multiple hc fans in the society! one of them is coming over to watch double life with me tomorrow <3 i thought i was incapable of making new friends but i’ve clicked so well with all of them. the mcyt thing is just one part of that, but well. domino effect. if all of the above hadn’t happened i would have been too depressed to consider even trying making new friends. and i’m so glad i did.

i’ve made so many cool friends from tumblr too, and never in my life did i see myself returning to tumblr until i found out that there were more inniters on tumblr <3 in general my life has just done a complete 180 from early 2021 and i truly owe all of it to the video of crimeboys trying to gaslight phil into thinking he doesn’t have a wife, and the video of tubbo trying to pronounce “diamantspitzhacke”. this fandom is hell sometimes but it’s definitely the reason i’m alive today, so that’s generally a good thing i think

yeah this got. really long but okay. the one part of my life that i have still not improved is that i have no clue how to open up to people, i don’t really do direct emotional closeness. nor would i necessarily want to dump all of this directly on anyone, because it’d almost feel like i’m blaming them for that dark point in my life, like i’m saying “you should have been there for me”. but i’m done being angry about it, i could have done more to reach out for help. so writing this out and sending it off to the void of tumblr is cathartic enough for me, and whoever happens to read it, i don’t really care. i’m just happy now. amazing what minecraft youtubers and a community of gay minecraft youtuber fans can do for a person

[gingus-arts]

AH YES ANOTHER ONE OF THESE!!! with my thoughts again ajdjsj- this is one of my favourite ships so i had to

tIME FOR ANOTHER SHIP "ESSAY." this time on keishima >:) again, the heights r just what i found on the wiki (i think it's cool that mishima is taller than keiji, his height fits him) and their sexualities & ages are a mix of what i've seen and what i think fits. which is to say, i saw this neat fanart of mishima being gay sjdhfns. generally i think they go together really well so let's start!

1. big spoon vs. little spoon — i just think keiji would want to be the big spoon asjhfshfn. mishima wouldn't be too set on either but he'd default to being the little spoon most of the time just cos keiji likes to be the opposite

2. lends clothes vs. borrows clothes — i think it'd be harder for mishima to lend keiji clothes with keiji being such a Beefy Boi, but he'd be totally okay lending whatever would fit him, generally stuff like ties and other accessories. i could also see mishima borrowing clothes once in a while, like if he forgot to do laundry and needed a dress shirt for work (it's not ideal because it'd be a bit baggy, but it's better than nothing) or if he wanted something comfortable to wear at home. he'd probably always ask keiji before he borrows things despite keiji saying that he doesn't need to, and he starts asking less as they're together longer (since he doesn't do it often anyway)

3. doesn't use pet names vs. uses pet names — mishima just doesn't seem like one for nicknames or pet names KFJSJDN. keiji absolutely does though— i think keiji would be more likely to flirt overtly in general so it just makes sense that he'd use pet names more. he'd probably stuff like "babe" a lot lol. but also, mishima would use an occasional "my love" whenever he's feeling lovey dovey (also this bouta sound hella cheesy but the way he says keiji's name sometimes is a term of endearment in itself)

4. extroverted vs. introverted — i think keiji would be kind of extroverted in the sense that he likes being around people (even if he's not particularly talkative, he can hold a conversation decently) and would prefer that to being alone, mostly because being around other people makes it easier to distract himself from his thoughts. i don't think he'd be drained by social situations either, but moreso envigorated by them (most of the time, anyway). that last part goes for mishima too! i think mishima would be significantly more extroverted than keiji just cos he seems extremely open to talking with everyone and seems to connect easily with them (and, he also seems more likely to persuade or push people into conversation than keiji is) though mishima is comfortable with having time alone too.

5. affection thru words vs. affection thru actions — i think keiji would generally have a hard time getting out affectionate words, so he just settles for doing small things like getting mishima food when he's @ work and kissing him or putting his arm around him. i think mishima would say really sweet stuff to keiji sometimes (though it's often more subtle & poetic than a straight up "i love you") and also compliment him often, so he'd be pretty comfortable voicing his affections, though he also does stuff with his actions.

6. confesses first vs. waits for confession — mishima just has a lot more confidence and self-esteem than keiji so i think he'd feel more comfortable opening himself up to rejection,,, though he would get the same nervousness about it that everyone gets. keiji distanced himself from even the possibility of being /friends/ with mishima, there's no way he'd think mishima would want to handle the burden of being his s/o, and it's possible he would just flat out deny that mishima likes him even if it's really obvious, if mishima doesn't say it upfront. so, he wouldn't even be waiting for a confession, he'd just try to get rid of his feelings (he'd probably feel somewhat guilty for "spoiling" their friendship with his feelings.) there is a small, small chance he'd tell mishima in a very unceremonious, way too casual sort of way, but this would definitely be an impulsive decision and he'd decide against doing it if he didn't blurt out in the minute he considered it (if that makes sense)

7. screams about bugs vs. squashes bugs with shoe — i just think it'd be funny if mishima was afraid of bugs LOL, tho i think it'd be more accurate to say that he's intrigued by bugs as a knowledgeable person (fr he just seems like he'd know a bunch of random ass information about a shit load of things) but likes to keep his distance from them. even though he's unnerved when they get too close to him, though, he makes an effort to not kill them. keiji does not care lol he'll just squash

8. drives the car vs. can't drive lol — i don't think keiji would necessarily be a bad driver, but i don't think he'd be good at it for one main reason– anxiety, or specifically, ptsd. the loud noises that sometimes come with driving, honking horns, the sharp rush of air and tires on gravel when a car passes you by, i think, could get overwhelming if he was in a relatively busy area. i don't think he'd be too good at concentrating either, he seems like he'd be somewhat prone to zoning out. mishima would Definitely be better at concentrating at keiji, and even if he zones out a bit, he's driven more than keiji (assuming,, he drives 2 work) and isn't bothered by loud noises. i don't think keiji would be too keen on admitting his problems with driving but mishima would probably pick up on it after it then call keiji out on it, /then/ he'd insist on driving most of the time.

9. can't cook for shit vs. makes dinner — i Actually Have a specific cooking hc for keiji which is that he can cook pretty basic things just fine, but he doesn't really feel the need to cook for himself so he barely cooks. like, if he was living alone, he'd probably live off of fast food and microwave meals KDJSJDN. now, if he was living with mishima- i think he'd moreso let mishima take care of the cooking, considering that mishima is Actually Good At It, but would offer help getting ingredients out or anything else mishima might need. if he wants to surprise mishima or give him a break from cooking, he'll order something to eat instead of cooking bc 1) his cooking ranges from mediocre to kinda bad and 2) he knows how to cook like 4 meals tops and 3) he doesn't want to embarrass himself lol (tho he won't admit that he doesn't want to..) mishima may coax him into at some point, though, and in that case, he'd try it out.

10. dislikes pda vs. loves pda — i think mishima would like to stay professional & within social norms in public, but he wouldn't be opposed to holding hands or a kiss on the cheek. keiji, on the other hand, has Less Shame and would nearly make out with mishima if he let him lmao- i think keiji would like teasing mishima with pda to some extent

11. overprotective vs. chill going — overall i think they'd both be pretty protective over each other! mishima seems like a protective person in general, (presumably that kinda comes with how nurturing he is) so i think that'd go doubly for his boyfriend with mental health problems up the wazoo who DOES NOT TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF NEARLY ENOUGH.... i think keiji might get annoyed with mishima's overprotectiveness but mishima stands firm in it and keiji eventually comes to recognize it less as a lack of trust & babying him, and more as a sign that mishima cares about him (and occasionally, is concerned about him.) i also think keiji would be protective over mishima, just as a base level of people he cares about, but less so than mishima is over him because mishima's pretty well adjusted and generally doesn't need protection from anything (except bugs maybe, lol)

12. has more relationship experience vs. has NO relationship experience — ok so,, i'm a little conflicted on my takes here, because if i was going with canon, it wouldn't make sense that mishima is gay because he was skeptical of kugie's same sex relationship, /unless/ he hadn't figured out his sexuality yet, which is not entirely implausible (or, if it's the internalized homophobia hittin-) i still want to headcannon him as gay so imma go with those explanations. however, if that's the case, it doesn't make sense to have him date any younger than he is now– unless, he had a serious case of comp het, which is also plausible. that may have helped him understand how relationships work, but they wouldn't be truly fulfilling if he's gay. if we're taking the relationship experience to be inclusive of platonic relationships, though, mishima would definitely have more experience than keiji. and whether we're talking platonic or romantic with keiji, i don't think he'd have very much AJDHDJ. i think he'd have like 2 or 3 girlfriends when he was younger, but nothing serious, and i don't think he'd have any really strong friendships either, in school i think it'd mostly just be the type of friends that u don't rly hang around with too often after school & then you kinda just don't see them afterwards, and in adult life it'd be coworkers, so like,, even less of a purely friendship thing. i think not having a support system would really jack him up when the trauma hit bUT i'm getting off topic so let's move on!

13. HORNY LEVEL — keiji is a horny fool don't @ me, mishima is a functional level of horniness

14. AWKWARDNESS LEVEL — so, if this was general awkwardness levels, i'd put keiji's a lot lower and mishima's a bit higher-- HOWEVER. i'm taking this 2 mean their awkwardness levels in the context of a relationship and that's why they are what they are. i would think keiji is pretty awkward in romance due to his constant deflection and tendency to distance himself– mishima would be better suited to it but A Bit Unsure either because he hasn't had relationships before or he hasn't had relationships with men before. figuring out gey things. ah but yeah i dunno, i didn't come to a conclusion in my previous rant on this :')

15. JEALOUSY LEVEL — i think keiji would b jealous mostly because he's insecure and feels like he's not enough for mishima. he wouldn't voice it and would just try to get over it, though mishima would probably notice him pouting or being a little distant. mishima, on the other hand, is quite secure in himself, and even when he isn't, i don't think he would feel particularly jealous. i feel like he'd be really happy when keiji gets close 2 other people and makes friends and stuff because that'd be good for him.

[stonedgilbert]

how has everything jeremy's been through affected his ability to hold relationships? not necessarily romantic.

genuinely, jeremy... doesn’t have any ability to maintain relationships whatsoever. and it does seem like a bit of an over exaggeration when i say it, but it’s... true. and - it’s not even really just the supernatural stuff. even before all that happened, he was suffering socially and generally just not very adept at forming bonds to other people.

it starts with growing up without any friends of his own - the people he hung out with pre-his parents’ deaths were in large part just... elena’s friends. given his struggles with school and the sheer amount of time he had to pour into schoolwork with the help of his parents in order to keep some sort of decent grade point average, when the school year was in session, he genuinely didn’t have time for friends. he got home from school and started working on homework, and because he couldn’t do it, he’d usually end up working until his parents got fed up with attempting to help him and just gave him the answers so they could actually relax for the day - and that’s a large reason why he gets into art. it’s something he can do that doesn’t require other people, that takes his mind off of school, and helps him unwind after an entire day of stressing about things that he just doesn’t understand. it’s only sort of exacerbated by the fact that he’s naturally a very introverted person, and those things come together to create a disaster when it comes to his social life. in his younger years, his only companions were elena’s friends, and he wasn’t blind to the fact that in many ways, he was just viewed as her little brother. someone who followed after them, hung around when they probably didn’t actually want him there... an annoyance. they were the closest thing jeremy had to friends, but he was never blind to the fact that none of them were actually his friends.

and then his parents die and he’s no longer pouring all of that time into school because they’re not there to make him, and he’s in pain so he falls into the “wrong” crowd. he calls those people his friends but he isn’t blind to the fact that in large part, their friendship with him is conditional. they see him as the young kid - a sad puppy, if you will - who started following them around, and they don’t like it, but unlike a lot of them, jeremy comes from a comparatively wealthy family, and he’s got expendable income. he’s looking for attention, any sort of companionship, so he’s always willing to cover the tab for “party favors”, and at times even dips into the family medicine cabinet to bring them something stronger of the prescription variety. they let him stick around because he brings something to the table for their own habits, and they don’t actually care about him. even vicki, whom jeremy became infatuated with, in large part did stick around because of it as well. it’s all conditional, the sort of thing where none of them care if he stops showing up one day, apart from being a bit sad that they now have to find another way to pay for what it is that he’d previously paid for. (this, of course, is most obvious because of the vampire things, and how when his life starts getting consumed by the supernatural, none of them ever reach out to see why he stopped hanging out with them)

and then when all the supernatural stuff starts happening, he’s dragged into it, and he just doesn’t. have. time. to make friends. there’s so much other stuff going on that maintaining a normal social life just isn’t something he can do, and the first person he properly calls a friend is kol when he goes to denver - only to later find out that no, kol wasn’t his friend, it was all an act, and THAT, right there, is probably the Big Thing that messes jeremy up. the only person he has ever gotten to know that he thought had been a friend for genuine reasons, was someone who was only using him, keeping tabs on him, and so he... withdraws. after denver, and finding the truth out about kol, jeremy DOES NOT call anyone his friend. mentally, he can’t make that connection. he could hang out with someone every day, call them just to talk, but he physically. can. not. call. them. a. friend. it doesn’t matter what - he can’t. he keeps people at arms’ length, both because of the fact that he’s been hurt by everyone who’s ever gotten close to him (let’s not forget the fact that anna only befriended him/flirted with him so she could Literally Feed Him To Her Mother when she got the tomb open), and because... the people he knows seem to drop like flies. in jeremy’s mind, friends are dangerous. friends are only opportunities for you to get hurt, because they’re either using you or they’re going to die. 

in some ways, i could even attribute all of this to why jeremy’s feelings for kai are largely romantic, because... he doesn’t know how to be dedicated to someone in any way that’s not romantic. he’s seen what stefan and damon do for his sister, so he looks at it like “i would do this for kai, so therefore i must love him”. it’s why i do call his feelings for kai an infatuation, more than anything else, because to him, it’s the only thing he really understands. romantic infatuation. kai is the closest jeremy allows himself to having a friend, but because he is 1) physically/sexually attracted to him, and 2) has never had a friend before, he labels it love, a crush, whatever you want to call it, because he has kept literally every other person he’s ever met/gotten close to at arms’ length.

and then, when he leaves mystic falls and moves on from that, he... doesn’t make friends. doesn’t keep any personal relationships. because he’s never actually had to make a friend before, he doesn’t know how. in most verses post-mystic falls, (excluding legacies, bc i obviously have a different story for him there in order to make it possible for me to write in the legacies universe), he... lives alone. works odd jobs. has people who might be familiar with him, maybe casual acquaintances, but no friends. no people he has a beer with on a friday night after a long work week. just. people who he says a friendly word or two to, who might notice if he stops showing up, but only after a couple of weeks (as he usually sticks to a routine, so after a while i feel that his absence Would be noticed, but it’d take a while). and he doesn’t have a romantic life - he has people he’s gone on a date with, once, maybe twice, even more people who he’s only met once for a one night stand, but no... meaningful connections. because he’s never HAD to make a meaningful connection before, he doesn’t know how, and he goes through life not having those connections, until if/when he meets an extrovert who just goes “great you’re my friend now” and essentially forces their way into his life. EVEN THEN, he wouldn’t acknowledge them as a friend, even though they WOULD be.

but yeah. tl;dr is that not only did jeremy’s mental health suffer after everything he went through, but his social health as well, because he largely didn’t get the opportunity to develop the social skills that a lot of kids/teens do, and because of that he generally doesn’t really even know How to make/maintain relationships of any kind

[andydrarch]

Fernadetta Fernadetta Fernadetta! Do you have an HCs on how people reacted seeing confident-handsome-extrovert Ferdinand hanging around anxious-bedhead-introvert Bernadetta? Do you think people assumed they were together the entire time and were mad shook when during the timeskip they finally got together, or did people see them and be like "we gotta hook them up"

Ahhhhh thanks for asking!!! I love talking about my kids!! ;-; I def have some opinions on this stuff lol

-At first everyone just assumes this is another attempt from Ferdinand to get everyone living up to his Noble Standards, so no one’s making a HUGE deal of it, it’s just more of an “oh Ferdinand’s nagging on someone, hope it’s not me next” situation

—after like a week of them being consistently seen together the Suspicion starts to kick in

-probably the biggest indicator they’re getting kinda close is Ferdinand starting to notice things that make Bernadetta uncomfortable and stopping everyone from doing those things

—oh Caspar wants to sneak up on Bernie and give her a spook? Definitely not happening. Petra tries to tap her arm to get her attention? Ferdinand politely tells her to tap on the desk or just talk bc Bernadetta hates being touched

-everyone in the Black Eagles is feeling real confused about them being buddies all of a sudden

-Dorothea is probably the least okay with it bc she’s protective of Bernie and absolutely hates Ferdinand pre-timeskip, so whenever she and Bernadetta do anything together she’ll casually ask about him to make sure he’s not doing anything weird

—Sometimes Dorothea’ll complain about it to Petra in a really vague way and Petra will have almost no idea what she’s mad about but she goes along with it anyways

-Caspar being Caspar only uses this information to tease Ferdinand occasionally with classics like “hey here comes your girlfriend, buddy >:)”

-Edelgard’s just glad Ferdinand has someone to take up his attention so he’s not pestering her all the time about dueling

-Linhardt, who was enjoying having someone to sit in silence and do artsy things with, is mildly annoyed that sometimes Ferdinand is there also doing artsy things only he and Bernadetta are talking the whole time

-as for the second part, I think it was a bit split on who thought they were already together and who was rooting for them lol

-especially in Edelgard’s route, the main Black Eagle squad are all pretty good friends and you know all of them got tired of watching these two absolute morons being too nervous to actually get together, meanwhile a lot of the other house recruits have always assumed they were dating and never thought to ask bc it seemed obvious

—most other routes tho everyone thinks they’re together they don’t see each other enough to know any better lol

-Bernadetta especially hasn’t had a lot of positive relationships in her life so she’s confused about whether Ferdinand’s making moves or if that’s just stuff close friends do. And then Ferdinand’s wondering the same thing from the angle of is she flirting or does she think these are close friend things

—anyways neither of them want to make things weird by saying something so they just become increasingly couple-y and manage to accidentally convince a good chunk of people they’re together

-eventually it gets to the point where their friends intervene and talk them into going to dinner together bc how can you walk around holding hands and not be dating are you serious guys

[wiccamoody]

on internet friends, vidcon, and being brave

I’ve been in fandom for over 10 years now. Despite that, I never really talked to anyone until the phandom. I made one friend in 2015 who doesn’t even watch them anymore lol and I can’t remember the last time we actually talked. But when I jumped back in ready to talk and write in late 2017 I decided maybe I’d let myself socialize or let people in. Which I did, in my own awkward way, and I’d say I now have a lot of really fucking phenomenal people in my life. 

Flash to last thursday when I got to meet three of these people who I’ve grown really close to (and on friday a fourth!!) and I immediately knew there was no going back. (For those curious or who don’t know I met @nihilismdan, @ataraxia-25, @kay-okays, and Lucy). No going back in that I spent 4 whole days with them (2 with Kay!!) and I’ve never felt so comfortable and like, accepted immediately. Of course I got to know them over the last year and a bit, but meeting irl actually does bring that to life, and it’s fucking surreal to meet people and hang out with them and just feel so together and comfortable. The beginning was awkward for me; I’m awkward, I have RBF, anxiety etc., but once it faded away it was so amazing. Amazing to wake up and know that they’re a maximum of 20 mins away on foot, to be able to spend the day together and use our single brain cell to get around and laugh almost until we pee at stupid shit. It’s so fucking comfortable you just get used to it (I would liken it to the way a lot of people felt about ii and the content stream we got then, and in the same way the hiatus hit people hard). When it all ends and you go back to real life and you don’t have those moments to look forward to everything just feels numb. Distance is hard. Goodbyes are hard. Not knowing when you’re going to physically be around each other again is hard. Skype and facetime and all that stuff exist but fuck, I started crying in LAX because I honestly had the best weekend of my life. There’s no awkwardness when you’re already friends with someone, no weird phase where you don’t know if they actually like you or not because they already know you and would have stopped talking to you ages ago if they didn’t. And idk, I’ve spent the last 5 years (and really, my entire time being in fandom) trying my best to quash my excitement, to tone it down and shut up in my “real” life because no one cares as much as I do, and I know they don’t really want to hear it. But to have that stuff in common and to have people on the same level of intensity as you, while still ofc talking about other parts of your life because that’s what friends are there for, it’s fucking amazing. As an introvert with anxiety it’s so ideal for me, so saying goodbye to these wonderful people in my life just hurts so much. It’s hard to process. I think we’ll absolutely meet again, it’s just the not knowing when that kills me. And having to go back to real life where things kind of suck (at least on my end) is like a slap in the face. It takes some getting used to again, but I guess the pain is worth the memories I have. 

Onto vidcon itself, I wanted to do a little recap. I kind of did that during my trip and to some people in DMs, but overall as someone who’s wanted to go since year 2 or 3, finally being able to do it was amazing. I have some complaints and things I’m actually really angry about, but to keep positive, for my first con ever I’m glad this one came into my life in the last minute way it did. I got to have the experiences baby me wanted, and I got to give me at 15 some closure to how she was when all this phandom stuff was thrown at her. Being able to meet queen Natalie Wynn was fucking amazing. She’s so stunning and I’m so GAY and she’s a literal icon. It was so lovely to talk to her and get a photo, I’m still shook I was in her presence at all! Meeting Dan and Phil was amazing and terrifying. I froze up, embarrassingly, and didn’t say anything I wanted to say to them. I just wanted to tell them how much they mean to me but I wasn’t able to. Which is fine. I’m trying to not beat myself up over it because I got to see them and hug them and smell them (don’t fucking come for me okay, they smell like warm men and it’s NICE OKAY) and everything that came right before and after with my friends was hilarious and perfect and wonderful. Not to mention, like 30 mins later I met Martyn and Cornelia, which tbh god fucking tier, who cares about dnp when mnc are there?? They were easy to talk to and lovely so we talked for like 3-5 mins and I’m happy we met them. And some other stuff happened at the IRL merch booth that I will never forget jaskljdlak. It was an Experience. tbh I’m still processing the entire day of Saturday lol. But it was good. A lot, but good. 

I want to go to more cons. So many more, and with friends like or who are the ones I had with me. I’m so fucking grateful and amazed this was the con to kickstart me actually going to them because it was truly the best weekend of my life. 

And going to Universal Studios in Hollywood with Julie on Sunday (especially since she didn’t know if she could come or not, and we had already said goodbye) was the cherry on top of everything. Harry Potter was my first fandom. It was the first thing to really make me feel seen, to give me an escape and a safe place to go and be myself. It was so full circle for me to go there, and I’m glad I went with someone who I love a lot. It was an amazing experience, and I could write a whole ass essay about it. I’m glad I went, and kind of in shock that it all happened really. 

As for bravery, I’m a total wuss. I’m nerdy and shy and introverted and my anxiety always gets the best of me. I’ve never flown internationally, and had only been to the States once before, and it was with my best friend and her parents. I hadn’t been on a plane in almost a decade. I was so out of my element but I really told myself to fuck off, dug into my student loans bc ya girl is broke as shit, and got myself to LA, then Anaheim, then to meet the wonderful people I did and survive the whole thing with my only panic attack the entire trip being related to meeting Dan and Phil (so like, it was expected). I’m proud of myself. When I started watching Dan and Phil I was 15, depressed without knowing it, and lost and trying to find a place to fit in. I owe it to my best friend for literally forcing me to watch them because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her or them. I figured out my queerness, survived my worst days, am getting help, and now as a 20 year old who grew up thinking she would be trapped in the seeming hell that my life was sometimes (and still is I guess) I was brave and I’m proud of that. Idk if anyone is still reading this, but if feeling lost and stuck and scared but wanting so fucking bad to do the thing they want to do, no matter how big or small, resonates with anyone, I encourage you to do it. I believe in you, and I know you can. I never in a million years thought my life would have the last 4 days in it but it does now, and I’m grateful I was brave enough to take that leap. 

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[killapunk]

Questions bout Narco

[trishuang-blog1]

but i see a lighthouse in the distance calling my name ; but i can't get there 'til i go through all of this pain. there's a glimmer of hope like an exhale of SMOKE in the sky; and sometimes you drain out all the shit that used to feel right.  (  empty swimming pools.  )

general info

full name: tristan huang ( birth name: huang chen-jui)

nickname(s): most usually call him by his name or tris

gender & pronouns: cisgender male / he/him

sexual & romantic orientation: bisexual demiromantic

age & dob: twenty-three / august 23rd

birthplace/hometown: new york city, new york

parents/siblings: - timothy huang (†), father - lanhee huang, mother - michael huang, older brother 

astrological sign: virgo

dominant hand: right

handwriting style: he’s got a heavy hand so his handwriting tends to come off rather dark with whatever tool he’s using. since he can write in both english and korean, just click the links and you can see an example of each!

language(s) known/spoken: english (first language), fluent in korean

religion: athiest

current living arrangements: he’s living in a two bedroom apartment, who he currently shares with minhyuk.

occupation/major: employed as the lead photographer for a local magazine, has a bachelors in digital photography

appearances

picture reference: 1, 2, 3, 4

blood type: a

nationality: american

skin tone/color: his skin tends to stay more on the fair side, but if you keep him outside long enough he’ll gain a lot more color and develop a darker tan than usual.

birthmarks & scars: n/a

height: 175 cm / 5′9″

build: lean, lightly toned, generally rather skinny

hair color: brown

hair length: it’s long enough to cover his forehead when his bangs aren’t styled but he keeps it trimmed and just short enough.

eye color: brown

eye shape: example

diet: tristan doesn’t really go out of his way to diet himself or limit himself on what he eats. he’s always been able to eat everything and anything and still not show it on his body. most of the time he’s eating fruits and noodles though, meats when he can afford them.

exercise & level of fitness: he used to work out more when he lived in the states, especially while in college, but hasn’t done so in awhile. 

how’s their posture ( or lack thereof )? he tends to be pretty controlled with his posture. most would look at the way he holds himself and see it as composed. the only time he’s ever slouching or slumping around is either at home or when he’s distracted on his computer editing (he tends to lean forward after awhile and get closer to the screen to focus better)

typical style of dress: very casual and comfortable. tristan hates being in any clothes that he can’t lounge around in for hours. has a big love of jean jackets. when he’s at home its the most casual he can get (aka probably a t-shirt or hoodie with shorts/boxers) but as for work he tends to actually try and dress with some kind of style. examples: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

body modifications: he’s got both his ears pierced. double lobe piercings on both as well as a cartilage on his right ear, that has a simple hoop in it. he’s also got a frenulum tongue piercing that he got when he lived in the states. he wears it daily and most don’t seem to notice it since it’s hidden.

body language and mannerisms

how does your muse walk? he tends to have a rather laid-back stride to the way that he moves. if his hands aren’t busy holding something (usually his camera or phone) then he’ll have them shoved in pockets or anything he can to not have them hanging down by his sides. he’s a bit of a fast walker as well without really meaning to be. most would think he’s in a rush most of the time!

how does your muse talk? he’s got a calm tone of voice almost always. tristan can’t even remember the last time he actually raised it or yelled at someone. when he’s speaking english he doesn’t even think twice about how he’s talking and tends to speak rather fast, but when he’s speaking in korean he’s a little slower and more paced, as if he’s making sure the words he’s saying are correct. there are a lot of ‘um’ and ‘uh’ that slip in between words when he starts struggling.

what accent/dialect does your muse talk with? he definitely has more of an americanized dialect when he speaks korean, and he has a bit of a new york accent when he speaks english as well.

how high (or low) is the tone of their voice? are they loud or quiet? his voice is kind of in the middle - probably a little more low than it is high, but his tone is always even and he’s never loud.

what is their laugh like? it’s lighter than his normal tone of voice. a bit more bubbly, giggly and energetic when he does it. he’s actually got multiple laughs and they all just kinda come out depending on how much a situation is actually funny to him. he’s also prone to laughing silently and using his entire body to show it when something is particularly funny to him! (honestly just look up vids of mark’s laugh and there you go bc that’s legit tristan’s laugh)

how does your muse typically smell? he’s actually a pretty clean person, but also doesn’t actively use things like colognes and what not unless its a special occasion. he uses a hair + body wash called “mahogany wood” that is described as fresh mahogany, bourbon vanilla and golden amber. so there you go i guess.

what kind of air do they carry? are they intimidating? tristan is probably the least intimidating person you can meet. he comes off pretty quiet when people first meet him, although he’s nothing but kind and encouraging when you try to talk to him. he has an aura of gentleness to him that can affect those around him. once you get to know him though he’s still all of the things above just with a bit more of his quirky nature and sense of humor thrown into the mix.

psychology

what makes your muse happiest? he’s probably the happiest when he’s with other people whose company he enjoys. tristan, when by himself, can become a little caught up in nostalgia and get a little lost in his head. he’s a lot more forlorn when he’s alone, so when he’s with people whose energy can push that part of him away and make him smile, he’s genuinely happy to be with them. photography used to bring him happiness as well but his muse has wavered over the years due to the death of his father, but his heart still reaches for it when he needs to distract himself, and he’s sure he’ll find his happiness for it once more.

what upsets them the most? being shut out is probably the biggest thing that could upset tristan, that or being lied to, but even regardless of those two things its very hard for him to hold onto a grudge or stay angry. he was angry and bitter for far too many years in his past and because of the things that happened back then, he finds that he’s a little too eager to forgive sometimes, if anything to be a little easier on his heart. but when he’s upset it’s because his feelings genuinely got hurt. but most only have to talk to him and things get figured out.

does your muse have any quirks? he tends to bite his nails when he’s nervous or worried about something, he’ll also get lost in thought and end up with one of those wide-eyed, staring off into the distance expressions. he also has a habit of jiggling his leg when he’s trying to focus or very into his work and photo editing.

what are their hobbies? how frequent do/can they do them? taking pictures, editing pictures, exploring new places, hanging out with friends, binge watching tv shows or marathoning movies, learning and practicing his korean, trying out new places to eat. when tristan isn’t working he’s either at home lounging around or out with the multitude of friends that he has made. so he can hang out rather frequently.

do they have any guilty pleasures? tristan would be that person who would openly state that nothing that he enjoys is something he’d feel guilty about.

is your muse an extrovert? an introvert? neither? definitely an introvert.

do they have high or low self-esteem? what about confidence? tristan has never dealth with self-esteem issues. he’s never really been worried about what other people think about him and has kind of marched to his own drum while growing up (which had gotten him into some tricky situations but he learned from them), but he’s also not overly confident either. i guess the best word for it would be he’s comfortable with himself and how he looks and who he is.

are they easily stressed? how do they respond to stress? he’s not easily stressed but once he finally gets to the point of stressed, his anxiety gets triggered pretty easily and its hard for him to calm down from it all. but it’s doubtful that anyone would actually even be able to know when he’s stressed out because he won’t want to openly show that. he’ll figure it out on his own.

what is your muses worst fear? abandonment, being left by someone he cares deeply for. it used to be the ocean but you know, sometimes life changes that shit.

what is your muses biggest dream? tristan doesn’t have any big dreams. if someone were to ask him that question he’d be the embodiment of ???? because he wouldn’t know how to answer it. he’s never been a dreamer and it will probably stay that way for awhile.

is your muse an early riser? a night owl? definitely an early riser but he’ll stay up late as well regardless of how early he has to get up.

how intelligent is your muse? do they acknowledge it? tristan is actually both very book smart as well as street smart. he did very well in school and had a natural ability to just pass tests with good grades and seem as though he barely studied for them, but it has more to do with his ability to retain information very well and just simply remember things. studying wasn’t ever an issue because he had to read through it once and then it all just clicked. he doesn’t outwardly acknowledge stuff like that though because there isn’t any point to it. he’s very good at remembering things. that’s legit the godsend that got him through schooling. as for street smarts, he liked to call it having common sense.

what is their sense of humour like? it doesn’t take much to make him laugh. honestly, it doesn’t. but he finds people with loud, energetic, and boisterous personalities to be naturally funny all on their own and he vibes well with them because of that. people with funny habits or personalities will make him laugh. he also finds sarcasm funny and any types of dry humor or witty commentary. 

relationship tendencies

what’s their sexual orientation? what about romantic? his sexual orientation is bisexual, he has always been attracted to both sexes. his romantic orientation is demiromantic, meaning that tristan really does not develop feelings for people unless he knows them on a personal level where he’s connected emotionally. developing a ‘crush’ was practically unheard of for him. he either had no feelings or he had all of them, and it was only ever with certain people who he felt completely comfortable and bonded with.

are they currently in any sexual or romantic relationships? while he’s in no romantic relationships, he does have sexual relationships (wow kids cover your ears) from time to time if he’s feeling interested enough in it. as of right now he is in one sexual relationship.

what is their experience with relationships? he’s had small ones here and there while growing up but never anything serious. he can’t even really count the girls and few guys that he’s dated and messed around with as anything even close to what someone would consider a ‘relationship’. he’s just never really been attracted or interested in someone enough to go for it.

how does your muse view the idea of friends with benefits? have they ever had one, or would they ever? tristan views the idea of friends with benefits as something that nobody should really be developing opinions about if it’s none of their business. he’d be a bit of a hypocrite anyway if he ever chastised someone for having a fwb relationship because he’s in one right now. it’s working out well. they are always going to be more friends than anything else, and that’s whats important to him.

sex, is it important to your muse? it’s not what tristan looks for when it comes to romance or what he’s seeking. he does like sex a lot, obviously, but it’s not going to determine anything in his head. it’s important but its not everything.

what are their biggest turn on and turn offs? for turn ons in general its a sense of humor that usually gets him, but he’s also very attracted to eccentric personalities and people who are truly and wholly them. he’s also got a thing for smiles and little quirks. for sexual turn ons he’s big on teasing and marking. dirty talk and encouragement. he’s a switch so whatever position he takes it really doesn't matter, but he’s also a huge pleaser when he’s on top and as long as the other receiving it is enjoying it and showing it, then that’s a turn on as well. as for turn offs it would be things like rudeness, bad attitudes and aggressive behavior, and it would be that way sexually as well. 

does your muse find it easy to make friends? being as nice as he is naturally, it’s not hard for tristan to make friends when he really goes out of his way.

how important is friendship to them? friendship is everything to tristan. it’s what has gotten him through some of the darkest days in his life. it’s what has gotten him through his move to seoul and what has gotten him to where he is now. he’s honestly nothing without them.

quantity or quality of friends? quality. there is no question about this.

how important is family? family is important to him, it always will be, but it’s not what he needs right now or anymore.

are they close to their family? why or why not ? tristan used to be close in the normal sense of them being a family and doing family things together, and he has fond memories that he holds onto and likes thinking about sometimes, but they were never close. he barely knew his older brother, his father was more of a stranger to him than he ever realized, and his mother was just lost. after his brother moved away and his father died, it’s really only been tristan and his mother, who he left in new york to start over for his own sake. he’s close to her and he loves her and calls her every few days to check in on her and make sure she’s doing alright, but his whole family concept has been shattered and is a little beyond fixable now.

headcanons

tristan had a very bad habit of smoking cigarettes and doing drugs while in high school, as well as drinking and doing anything illegal that he could just for the thrill of it. he smoked actively up until a month before he moved to seoul - part of his whole ‘clean slate’ mindset and want to start over. he hasn’t touched a cigarette since, nor any drugs, and drinks alcohol only socially now.

he was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder in high school and when that comes out to play from time to time, he suffers from insomnia really badly as well.

he is not a good swimmer. at all. it’s why he used to (still is) afraid of the ocean or just open water in general. his ass would drown in a second if it’s too deep.

he’s never had any pets. but he loves animals.

he’s got some bad fucking allergies that like to flare up with the season changes. catch him with a face mask literally 24/7 and popping antihistamines like they’re going out of style. he also develops an allergy-induced asthma when this happens so he has an inhaler for emergencies. he’s very miserable for the first few weeks of new seasons.

if he had to choose between sugary foods or salty foods, he’d choose salty every single time.

once he finally falls asleep he barely ever moves. legit, he stays in that one spot that he fell asleep in and doesn’t roll around or anything. he may shift from time to time but usually he’s a damn log once he’s out.

he saves pictures forever. he’s got thumb drives full of pictures and they’re all dated/labelled so that he knows what they are. is that considered hoarding? or more like organized hoarding? who knows. but it’s legit in the thousands.

[thysurveys]

730.

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? I’m fine. 2: What’s your dream pet? I don’t really have one.

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? This may sound lame, but I really enjoy a chic “smart casual” look. 4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Sims. Always has been, always will be. 5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: Kevin, my future and . . . I don’t know.

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? "May freak out unexpectedly.”  7: What is your Greek personality type (Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic)? I don’t know. 8: Are you ticklish? I am. 9: Are you allergic to anything? I am not. 10: What’s your sexuality? Heterosexual.  11: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? Cocoa more than any of the other two. Tea before coffee. 12: Are you a cat or dog person? I’ll say cats. 13: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Merperson, if I had to choose? I don’t know. 14: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? I have plenty of. 15: How tall are you? 5′2″. 16: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? I don’t know if I would. 17: How much do you weigh? Next question. 18: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? I do. 19: Do you like space or the ocean more? They’re both fascinating.  20: Are you religious? No. 21: Pet peeves? I have misophonia, so. There you go. 22: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal (opposite of nocturnal)? Diurnal. My anxiety is at its worse at night. 23: Favorite constellation? Aries, only because it’s my star sign?  24: Favorite star? The sun? I don’t really have a favourite star though it would be interesting to have one other than the “sun” lol. 25: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? I don’t really care for them? 26: Any phobias or fears? The unknown. I also have Trypophobia, feeling out of control of my own body and death.  27: Do you think global warming is real? Yeah. 28: Do you believe in reincarnation? I don’t know if I do or if I don’t, though I have watched interesting documentaries on reincarnation. Story time: my dad once told me when he was younger, my Pop and Nan were in the car with my dad, and they were driving to a place they hadn’t been to before and they were lost. My dad said to my Pop (who was driving) to turn at the end of the street and there’d be a bridge. They did, and there was a bridge. My dad knew the place, but he had never been there before in his entire life, so. I don’t know. It’s kind of crazy. 29: Favorite movie? I never know. I have way too many. 30: Do you get scared easily? Yeah, definitely. 31: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? I have had plenty of “family” pets growing up, but myself and Kevin have had two. A dog and a cat. 32: What is a color that calms you? Blue. 33: Where would you like to travel and/or live? America (which I am in March) and the UK. I mean, I would happily travel just about anywhere and everywhere given the opportunity.  34: Where were you born? Australia. 35: What is your eye color? Green. 36: Introvert or extrovert? Introvert, one-hundred percent. 37: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? No. 38: Hugs or kisses? Both. 39: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? I am with him right now, so no one. 40: Who is someone you love deeply? Kevin. 41: Any piercings you want? I’m okay for now. 42: Do you like tattoos and piercings? Yes, I do. 43: Do you smoke or have you ever done so? I was, once upon a time, a smoker. 44: Talk about your crush, if you have one! More than a crush. He’s my boyfriend. 45: What is a sound you really hate? I am not great with very “loud” sounds.  46: A sound you really love? Rain! I was actually talking about this the other night with Kevin. 47: Can you do a backflip? Nope. 48: Can you do the splits? Nope. 49: Favorite actor and/or actress? I really fancy Drew Barrymore. I don’t know why. I think she’s pretty badass. 50: Favorite book? Too many to choose from. 51: How are you feeling right now? Anxious. 52: What color would you like your hair to be right now? I need to recolour it again (I had a blonde balayage, but it’s quickly fading) 53: When did you feel happiest? I don’t know. I haven’t felt too “happy” recently. 54: Something that calms you down? Rain. 55: Have any mental disorders? Clinical depression, Depersonalisation Disorder, PTSD (though, this has subsided a lot), Social Anxiety, GAD. These are all diagnosed. I also think I have BPD (undiagnosied).  56: What does your URL mean? My survey Tumblr is self-explanatory, my main Tumblr is solefulness. And I don’t know. It’s inspired by the word “soulful”  57: What three words describe you the most? Creative, anxious and . . . I asked Kevin for help and he said “beautiful”, but you know. Lol. 58: Do you believe in evolution? I guess I do, yes. 59: What makes you unfollow a blog? They haven’t updated in forever or they say some stupid offensive bullshit (e.g. racism, classism, homophobia, etc.). < What they said. 60: What makes you follow a blog? Aesthetics? Lol 61: Favorite kind of person: An INFJ lol or similar. Basically, someone who has an advanced bout of empathy, understanding.  62: Favorite animal(s): Pandas and cats. 63: Name three of your favorite blogs. No, I can’t be bothered and I don’t even know if I do have a favourite right now. 64: Favorite emoticon: The “hang loose” emoticon was the first that came to mind, though I can’t say it’s my fave. Maybe a leaf (I am so lame) 65: Favorite meme: I use a lot of Full House memes. 66: What is your MBTI personality type? INFJ. < me too! 67: What is your star sign? Aries. 68: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? My dog’s dead and she never obeyed commands. She was way too hyper. < Literally my same answer.  69: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? A cardigan as of late. 70: Post a selfie or two? I ain’t ready for a face reveal.  71: Do you have platform shoes? Nope. 72: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I would say I am an INFJ considering they take up only one percent of the population, but you already know that. Let me ask Kevin. He said: “you were the first to graduate in your family. I think. I don’t know. Is that a good one?” 

There you have it, folks.  73: Can you do a front flip? No. 74: Do you like birds? No. I do not like birds. They freak me out. 75: Do you like to swim? I am not crazy about it. 76: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? Swimming > ice skating any time. 77: Something you wish didn’t exist: Homophobia. 78: Some thing you wish did exist: Fifty large sacks of money right in front of me. > ngl. Me too. 79: Piercings you have? My ears. 80: Something you really enjoy doing: I like to watch a lot of YouTube and a lot of Netflix (or any film, really).  81: Favorite person to talk to: Kev. 82: What was your first impression of Tumblr? I don’t know. 83: How many followers do you have? Enough. 84: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? I asked Kevin and he laughed. So, I guess not. 85: Do your socks always match? I barely wear socks. 86: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? I can do. 87: What are your birthstones? Aquamarine.  88: If you were an animal, which one would you be? I don’t know tbh. A panda or a cat. Maybe a cat. 89: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? Good question. Um, a baby breath bc they’re small and simple. 90: A store you hate? I don’t know nor care. Maybe Gloria Jeans bc I once found out they don’t support gay marriage. 91: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? None. I can’t drink it without freaking out. 92: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? Both scare me. Can I choose to read minds? 93: Do you like to wear camo? Not my style. 94: Winter or summer? I do love winter, but lately I’ve needed summer. 95: How long can you hold your breath for? I don’t know. 96: Least favorite person? Any evil dictator. < True. 97: Someone you look up to: Kevin at the moment. 98: A store you love? Kmart if I had to choose. Any homeware shop too.  99: Favorite type of shoes My Nike runners are my fave right now. 100: Where do you live? Aus. 101: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? No, just because I’m not. 102: What is your favorite mineral or gem? Never really thought about it. 103: Do you drink milk? I do sometimes. 104: Do you like bugs? I don’t hate them, but I don’t go out collecting them either. 105: Do you like spiders? I am not a great fan but again, I don’t collect them. 106: Something you get paranoid about? Every thing. 107: Can you draw?: No. Unfortunately not. 108: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? I don’t know. It’s funny because via a survey, I am open to any question. But if it’s someone face to face, or away from Tumblr, I freak out and think anything is a nosy question. 109: A question you hate being asked? "Why are you quiet?” Like, I don’t know? Maybe because I am. 110: Ever been bitten by a spider? No. 111: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? My favourtie. 112: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Sunny. 113: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: Kevin. 114: Favorite cloud type: A cumulonimbus cloud because they’re big and they look fluffy. 115: What color do you wish the sky was? Pink. You know, like when the sun sets? Or blue. Blue is calming to me. 116: Do you have freckles? I wish! 117: Favorite thing about a person: I think people in general are interesting so. 118: Fruits or vegetables? Fruits. 119: Something you want to do right now: Eat. 120: Is the ocean or sky prettier? The ocean. 121: Sweet or sour foods? Sweet. 122: Bright or dim lights? In between. 123: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? No. I don’t know. 124: Something you hate about Tumblr: I don’t really think about that to be honest. 125: Something you love about Tumblr: I find it relaxing. 126: What do you think about the least? I don’t know. 127: What would you want written on your tombstone? No idea. 128: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? No one. 129: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? Hm… Maybe how much I care about certain people/things. < Truth. 130: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? Rarely. 131: Computer or TV? Computer. 132: Do you like roller coasters? They’re alright. 133: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? Yeah, a bit. 134: Are your ears free or attached? I think they’re attached? What. 135: Do you believe in karma? Yes. 136: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? Mm, 3. 137: What nicknames do you have/have had? Many. 138: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? I did. 139: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? Yeah. 140: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Good. 141: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Giving. 142: What makes you angry?: People can make me angry. 143: How many languages do you speak fluently? Just English. 144: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? Boys. 145: Are you androgynous? No. I don’t think I am, anyway.  146: Favorite physical thing about yourself: I don’t know. I don’t really have a lot to like about myself. 147: Favorite thing about your personality: My willingness to understand, respect and empathise.  148: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. No one in particular. My family, if anyone. 149: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? I don’t know. The 50s or 60s, maybe. 150: Do you like BuzzFeed? Yeah, I do. 151: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? Through friends, at a “gathering”. 152: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? No. I don’t. 153: Do you like to play with others’ hair? Not really. 154: What embarrasses you? Because I empathise a lot, I get secondhand embarrassment a lot too. So, there you go. 155: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: Every fucking thing. 156: Biggest lie you have ever told: I can’t think of anything right now. 157: How many people are you following? Not many. 158: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? This blog? 730 when I post this one. 159: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? None. 160: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? I don’t know. 161: Last time you cried and why: A few days ago. I don’t want to go into it. 162: Do you have long or short hair? Long-ish. 163: Longest your hair has ever been: Up to my bottom. 164: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion? I don’t really have an opinion at all, I guess. Um. I don’t know. I just don’t care nor think about it. 165: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? I mean. It would be interesting to know, but... I don’t care. 166: Do you like to wear makeup? Yes, I do. 167: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? No. 168: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? Yes, sir.

[lipkits]

long version!

this is wayyyy longer than i thought so get ready

ok so basically i was friends w this girl for a while and had secretly liked her, and then in january i told her how i felt because we’d kinda been having a fwb relationship since the summer. neither of us had admitted our real feelings, and it turned out she liked me as well. so we were basically dating, like we went on our first date for valentine’s day, and everything was going pretty well. she always asked to hang out and i’m rlly introverted so i don’t like doing more than 1 thing w friends on the weekend bc i just need time to recover from the week. and so she’d always ask to hang out and do things and it just got tiring because i suck at saying no, and i’d try to tell her what i’m explaining to u guys (or whoever is reading this) but she said i’m not introverted because i’m not as shy as her (lol). and so then it kind of started to make me pull away bc i felt rlly overwhelmed. she also would never leave when i wanted her to and would just sit in my car not getting out, and also on new years she got mad at me because it was 1am and i was super tired and wanted her to leave because i had a paper due in like 2 days that i’d procrastinated. i know it might seem bad because i was essentially ditching her for school work but it was super late at night and i’d been planning this for a while. and also her parents are rlly homophobic and conservative, so she’s said certain things before that turned me off, and also it made me feel scared to be in this relationship if we had to hide it from her parents (and she didn’t want me to tell my parents so i was kind of lying to them in a way??? idk i normally tell my mom everything but i hadn’t been telling her this which made me feel bad). so then after a while we decided to officially date as girlfriends, but the next morning (this was the beginning of march i think or end of february by the way) i felt this horrible gut feeling telling me that i wasn’t ready for a girlfriend and i just didn’t want to be with her anymore. so i told her immediately because i didn’t want to lie and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us, and it was over text so it was bad to begin with, but i told her the truth and she got super upset and of course hurt by what i said, and ignored me for a week, and then we met the next weekend for breakfast and she just told me how she didn’t want to go back to fwb without being official and she tried to convince me to be her girlfriend and didn’t understand anything i was explaining as to why i wasn’t ready for that. and she didn’t want to go back to just being friends either... also keep in mind she is a year older than me. so then she started saying things that i do which annoys her, and claimed that she wasn’t a priority because i wouldn’t drop everything to be with her. but school and work come first before doing fun stuff for me. i feel like she didn’t understand how important doing well in my studies is and i can’t just be her girlfriend whenever she wants, i have to be my own person and make time for myself. so then she made me feel real shitty, and had her mom come pick her up (she doesn’t have her license so i drove us places most of the time). and i was just really upset and then she slowly went back to being friendly again, and we hung out one weekend and she took an edible when we went to the movie theater, but ate the whole thing and then we had to leave because she was like seeing weird shit and shaking, and so i just had to take care of her basically for a couple hours. and then she said some rude things to me and was like “i feel so immature i’m sorry”... but in the past i’ve had to babysit her whenever she got high. so then afterwards we were fine for another week and then she asked to hang out one weekend but i said no because i was busy and had to prepare for finals, and then she straight up just wouldn’t talk to me and gave me the cold shoulder, pretty much ignored me for a solid month. didn’t even tell me happy birthday???? when it was obvious she knew because she saw posts my friend made abt me, and then put stuff on her story abt how she’s in seattle we her other friends? like... ok. and it hurt me rlly bad she was treating me like that, so then she wrote me this long letter and gave it to me in class just like explaining why she wouldn’t talk to me, and said a bunch of excuses and then wanted to know if i still wanted to be friends, and also told me she had my birthday present and didn’t forget about my birthday. and i waited a week because i had a bunch of other stuff happening in my life, and she told me not to tell anyone about the letter or show it to anyone and of course i went to my therapist bc i didn’t know what else to do. and meanwhile during the time we’ve been together she had been telling some people about us without my permission and i’m not out at school so it made me really upset and felt like i couldn’t really trust her. so then she texted me and asked for the letter back, and i gave it to her the next day and told her that she decided we were no longer friends when she ignored me for a month, without telling me anything like she needed space or something... and she said that she just “couldn’t” talk to me, and that it she didn’t make that decision, but throughout our entire relationship i had always been the one to make decisions. i told her she did make that decision whether she wanted to or not, and she said “well fuck you” and walked away, leaving me shaking and close to tears. and then i moved tables in our art class. and on the bus home a few days later she sat next to me and started asking me to explain stuff i didn’t answer from the letter and i told her no and that i didn’t owe her any explanation and she got mad at me and then when i tried to tell her how outing me isn’t okay she said “well it’s my story too so i can tell whoever i want” and when i wasn’t acting how she wanted she started crying and told me she’s lost like 15 pounds because of stress and she has no one to talk to abt it because of her parents prejudice, but she had already told me before so i tried to tell her how shitty she made me feel, and then got off the bus and said “i’m seriously just done”... also we were becoming friends w this one guy who she told abt us and he previously used gay as an insult which seriously sucked and so got upset abt it but got angry that she told him abt us anyways bc i felt uncomfortable w him let alone all those other people know. and he doesn’t talk to me anymore and neither do any of her friends so i bet they all hate me lol. and we didn’t talk for the rest of the year, except when she asked for polaroids back that she gave me on valentine’s day ??? and then she graduated and i blocked her on all social media and her phone number.

so that is p much it !! sorry it was a lot and i hope u can understand it, and also sorry for run-on sentences.... and spelling errors... omg

[fuckinnproblems]

1-150 if ur not a pu$$y

1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? •lick def2. What is home to you? •home is a lot of things to me. Home can sometimes be my actual house. Home is my family in KY and the little house my nana lives in and the farm my grandpa own. Home is Bowling Green , which is connected to the same family. Home is the softball field I grew up on. Home is hunter’s arms. Etc. 3. What was the last lie you told? •idk I don’t lie?? But i think I did tell someone I would call him back and I had no intentions of doing so lmao 4. Does everyone deserve the truth? •woah tf …. uh. I’d say so yes. Yes. 5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? •those fuckin dolls like idk what they’re called but good god 6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. •oh good heavens. My mind is really going to this one time when I accidentally dined and dashed but idk if that’s what this question is asking. 7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn’t mix them up.) •giving directions, like I would much rather show you where than try to tell you. And idk I think it’s easier to show someone how much you care for them instead of just trying to find the right words (in most scenarios)8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? •few months ago 9. How many all nighters have you pulled? •not a ton tbh I’m weak 10. If humans didn’t evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? •with our hands11. How many romantic “things” or “flings” have you had? •wtf does this mean um well as far as girls go,l I’ve had 3, including hunter right now. Guys… lmao …. let’s just say 3-4 roughly lmao. 12. What is your paradise? •a gorgeous beach with bright blue water with sailboats and white soft sand 13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) •I personally love piano music in the background tbh OR waves crashing 14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? •well I don’t make it my goal to have a running count of broken hearts , I want to say 1, maybe 2 , let’s say 1.515. What is the most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you? •I think electronics are an amazing way to keep in touch with not only your close friends and family, but the world and it can allow you to educate yourself and learn things. I guess this suggests I’m a pretty progressive person lol and I’m all about learning. 16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? •People care about celebrities because everyone likes to have someone to “idolize” or to “mimic.” I don’t care about them on this level because they’re just people, but if there are celebrities doing really good things with their “power” then I’m here for that And if they’re acting ridiculous then sometimes I gotta catch up on the beef. 😌😌😌17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you?•sit there and crunch on some food and chew obnoxiously 18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? •oh yes all the time, I’ve gotten bad at it but you can always tell I’m joking so I mean I never do it to cause harm. 19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? •yesss clarinet 3rd chair wooooooo & I had a brief date with the piano 20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? •uh well sometimes I do and then other times I hate it because when I decide I wanna take them it’s usually Bc I feel like I’m lookin good and then I take a selfie and I’m like AHH WHAY A MONSTER21. List 3 things you like about yourself? •my eyes, my smile , my arms22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? •I have received a lot of amazing advice over the years honestly, like I could @ a lot of people right now and I’m truly blessed to have had that and on so many different aspects. It really depends! But honestly the most recent advice was just generally how to not let people walk all over me (although it was said much prettier)23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? •well not now but I like to think I will eventually. 24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? •who said I cheer myself up 👀👀 nah jk, a lot of the times if I’ve had a bad day I treat myself to some Starbucks 25. When was the last time you felt awkward? •like an hour ago . Basically 24/726. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? •introvert all the way. Like literally took a test in psych and I got a perfect 10 in introvert and not a single point in extrovert. 27. What constitutes a good friend? •this is tricky. There are different levels of friend!!! Lmao. Honestly a GOOD FRIEND will support you and never try to change who you truly are. Like above all. 28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? •one bff29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? •Idk what this means like I’m taking that three different ways 30. What is your dream job? •right now an orthopedic PA 31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? •hardworking 32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? •33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? •LMAO many things but honestly how you ride a bike with a dick34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? •I don’t do fantasy N/A35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. •IVE HAD SO MANY WINNERS. Honestly the cake goes to the most recent someone that was my close friend for an entire summer, learned me, talked about serious stuff with me, cared, etc and then suddenly dropped me and then talked shit and then told lies and then told people I was gay and her reasoning for why she thought I was gay (when she had literally made me feel so safe months before) and the reason was an extremely personal story. :) but honestly there’s another one that prob beats her but I just can’t even rn. 36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don’t know. You can’t switch back. What do you do? •make the most of it I guess idk 37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? •I have mixed feelings on this because I’ve always wanted to live forever while at the same time I think that would be miserable so 38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? •I took a finances class it was good 39. Name the last book you read. • I think “love anthony”40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? •it would suck not being able to show people I was happy to be with them and it would suck being trapped in my own mind 41. When was the last time you made the first move? • @ hunter have I ever 42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? •I’ve listened to both. I don’t shut down either. But I’m not some big fan. 43. What was the last movie you watched? • I watched a documentary the other day about the NCAA I can’t remember what it was called 44. Do you like and appreciate your life? •rn I do like my life and I appreciate life in general 45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? •I suppose. 46. When was the last time you cried? • 4 or 5 days ago I think 47. What are you scared of? •death, heights, spiders etc 48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? •there is so many tbh but the one in mind rn is when I walked right by this sweet sweet Spanish teacher as a senior and she said “hola, coma Estas?” And I looked at her…. smiled…. and walked right by her. KMS on that one 49. What are some of your hobbies? •photography is my biggest tbh 50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? •I don’t know but I’m sure it’s something 51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? •I think I’m pretty good I’m pretty chill I give lots of chances I give advice etc 52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? •some better than others but at some point yes 53. What have you learned the hard way? •not to stay with people that are bad for you just because you think you owe it to them 54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? •respect for yourself 55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) •writing or photography 56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? •I feel like logical 57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? •I don’t know lol58. What is your ideal meal? •pasta is always a go to but idc I’m not picky 59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? •not speak or be interesting 60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? •love them. Love tigers a lot and sting rays 61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? •62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? •yes 63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? •the ability to search for wonderful tutorials 64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? •yes imma fuq u up on Mario kart 65. What is your opinion on beauty in today’s society? •it’s twisted and fucked up and honestly fuck society 66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? •no and between 930-10 usually 67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? •I love me some finding dory or finding nemo 68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? •I go back and forth on this one. 69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? •ocean 70. What are the best things about winter? •getting to wear hoodies !!! 71. What scares you most about the future? •inadequacy 72. What makes you feel old? •little kids I played with as a kid that are suddenly about to enter high school , movies I loved as a kid 73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? •eh i dunno. I check my phone all day but I don’t really sit downnnnn on it but a few times a day74. What are some of your New Year’s resolutions? •to better myself, workout gains, and as always , grow 75. What is your life story in 6 words? “Struggle, fight and the come up 76. Describe yourself in one word. •shy77. What bad habits do you do? •bite on pens, pick nails, etc 78. What genre of music do you listen to? •literally everything except country tbh 79. Most prominent childhood memory?rn my head is going to rolling acorns down my grandpas steep driveway idk why 80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don’t, how would this change your life? •I feel like it would change how I didnsports and how I interacted with people 81. Spirit animal? •tiger or panda 82. Do you believe in horoscopes? •eh whatever they’re fun 83. What is the worst advice you’ve ever been given? •once you’re not s teenager, this will all get better”84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. •hunter, kayla, Avery/alex85. Favorite memory of your family. •too many to choose rn 86. What do you look for in a relationship? •not controlling behavior lmao 87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? •i do and mostly because of the time I was going trough and how they were for me 88. What is your opinion on social media? •it can be super good it can be super bad 89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? •eh sometimes both 90. List some things that you think are overpriced? •feminine hygiene products tf, bottled water, real necessities 91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? •I’d rather not 92. What superpower would ruin the world? •WTF IDK PROB INVISIBILITY 93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? •I swore I’d never ever even date in high school but I totally did 94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? •idk the movies but really just to not ever give up 95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? •I wanna do lots of traveling so anywhere 96. How do you approach people? •I let them approach me :)))) or I do it prob awkwardly 97. What is your opinion on first impressions? •they can be impactful even falsely, and I’m awful at them 98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? •I used to collect those pressed pennies 99. What languages can you speak? •English barely 100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? •at this rate a fuckin DISASTER 101. What do you do on your lazy days? •I spend time outside or I read 102. What ended your last relationship? •extreme jealousy and controlling abusive behavior 103. Favorite food? •idek im not picky I love pasta 104. What is the most terrifying dream you’ve ever had? •school shootings 105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? •few months ago. Prob either February or April. 106. What was the last friendship you broke? •few months ago also 107. Do you have any pet peeves? •TONS108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? •coach terry109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? •today 110. What part of your personality do you want to change? •how forgiving it tends to be 111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? •hunter tbh like she stays giving me fire advice and helping me out and is my best friend 112. What is your biggest motivation? •those who doubt me 113. What did you want to be when you were little? •this is funny but I went from wanting to be a “baby doctor” (basically OB/GYN) to the flag waver at NASCAR races (I don’t even watch NASCAR) 114. What are some things that you are good at? •I’m good at sporty things usually, photography I think, etc 115. What is one thing you want to be good at? •piano 116. What distracts you the most, especially when you’re trying to work? •noise 117. How important is privacy to you?•I like privacy tbh so I guess fairly important but in the right times 118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? •acceptance 119. What’s the craziest lie you’ve ever told? •I used to be a cheerleader 120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? •nothing ?? Idk121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? • idk I see some dumbass shit on insta daily 122. What is the stupidest thing you’ve done to impress someone? •pretended I was into things I wasn’t 123. What is your morning routine? •I wake up and eventually go in the bathroom and brush my teeth and wash my face and pee 124. What’s the last thing you did that is worth remembering? •last night w hunter 125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? •I’m sure hurt me idk 126. What is your opinion on playing “hard to get?” •tf even stop it 127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? •it can be good because you know straight off the bar but it can also mess with people who have been thru stuff or are quiet or unsure and it could spook them 128. What do you consider “leading” someone on? •letting someone believe they have a chance when really they don’t 129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? •friendzoner130. What do you admire most about your friends? •their passion for their interests 131. What do you admire most about your family? •their humor 132. What is your opinion on “going with the flow?” •it’s a great concept how do you do it 133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? •listening 10/10134. When is it time to end a friendship? •when it is no longer benefiting you and making you question yourself 135. What is the worst excuse you’ve ever come up with? •my phone was just on the fritz tbh 136. If GPA didn’t matter, what courses would you have taken? •some AP history 137. What are your favorite baby names? •I love girls with “boy” names, so like Carter or something. I also love the game Jay or Alex or 138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? •today kinda 139. What instantly ruins a conversation? •no longer conversations but TELLUNG 140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. •check the anon tag tbh. Turn on: lip biting , apparently aggressiveness and teasing and hair pulling etc Turn offs: bad breath, weird talking 141. Biggest disappointment. •shit myMom did 142. Do you have any self-restraint? •yes143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? •it’s been a while 144. Prized possession(s)? •idk that I have one tbh. 145. What is your opinion on second chances? •well I seem to give them out like candy so . But nah they can be worth it for sure 146. Text or call? •text unless you’re hunter then I don’t mind a good call 147. What do you like about the 21st century? •technological advancements 148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? •this sucks and I know you don’t like a whole bunch right now but this seriously will get better and you don’t have to believe everything you hear and you can learn to love yourself and you don’t need to let people manipulate you. 149. How organized are you? •very150. Favorite mode of transportation. •car for the naps but don’t mind planes these days

[kennothythebard]

Things I’ve learned about writing DEH characters

THIS IS NOT A GUIDE BY ANY MEANS THIS IS JUST SOME OBSERVATIONS AND THINGS I DO.

So while researching for and writing “A Worthy Explanation” (pls read i crave validation) I’ve noticed a lot of little things that I don’t always see mentioned in writing guides for these characters so I thought I’d point some of these out. Idk how love this is going to be so I’ll prolly put a cut here.

General

I like to create kind of a “loneliness chart” and graph the kids on it (looks kinda like those political alignment things). On one axis theres introverted vs. extroverted, and on the other theres like polite vs. rude I guess? But in summary: Evan is introverted polite, Jared is extroverted rude, Alana is extroverted polite, Connor is introverted rude, and Zoe... is just kinda generally lonely. Where she falls really depends on what’s going on with her (but she typically is a less extreme introverted rude than Connor).

Obviously each character has their own faults, but I often see these faults viewed quite selectively, see “cinnamon roll evan” and “fucking larry” for two very different examples of this phenomenon. Evan is not perfect and always trying to be nice, and Larry is not a super abusive parent who deserves no happiness in this life. They’re both complex and it’s hard to let go of our misconceptions to write truer to the characters (e.g. I really, Really don’t like Larry. I see him as a lousy father who just kind of chose to be “the strict one” but does nothing but criticize and dole out punishment, ignoring his kids any other time), but that’s an important part of deh, is that people aren’t always what we perceive them to be.

Evan

Evan is often viewed as like a cinnamon roll, but in act 2 especially Evan gets mean. Like, he’s dismissive and rude and angry and just a jerk. Evan can be just as bad if not worse than some of the “angrier” characters

Ppl often talk about his lying as his biggest character flaw, but I’d argue that most of the lying we see in the show just stems from the one lie which he was kinda forced to make bc he was in a bad place (i mean, thats pretty much the entire point of awe).

The character flaw that I don’t see discussed enough is that he’s ashamed of his mental illness. He’d rather pretend it’s not there, even when it impacts every part of his life. He doesn’t do the letters the way his therapist assigned them, he’s apprehensive towards medication and stops taking it, and basically feeds into his self-destructive tendencies, arguing his mother sees his as “broke” or something to be fixed.

Jared

I love writing Jared

There’s already a lot about what a complex character he is and stage directions, but one thing that most people notice is his actions frequently contradict his words. Take the sincerely me reprise at the start of act 2. Why would he try to insert himself into the narrative at this point? What good would that do at this point? When evan dismisses him he gets annoyed and defensive. He says that he can’t do anything until Monday because he’s hanging with his camp friends (whom he claims are his “real friends,” a term he will later ascribe to himself regarding Evan in Good For You), and when Evan dismisses him again he tries to offer to help with the kickstarter, but is quickly shot down once more by Evan. Despite what seems to be a natural ending place in the conversation, he insists on continuing to talk with Evan, and when Evan cuts him off again he becomes rude and slightly threatening. This happens over the course of maybe three minutes and it’s one of the most insightful scenes to jared’s character

When writing a canon-compliant Jared, his actions and thoughts should conflict with his words. He cares about Evan but he’d never say that out loud (in more canon-compliant fics), and it hurts when he’s pushed away, which he responds to with anger.

Zoe

Zoe is one of the most difficult characters to write, imo.

She’s often portrayed in a slightly sweeter, saccharine way in fanon as just like a fun, silly girl who is just a tad sarcastic, but really you can tell that she’s Connor’s brother. She’s angry, blunt, unafraid of speaking her mind, etc. Yes, she is funny and kinda sarcastic, but her sarcasm isn’t always of the funny variety. She’s obviously angry at her parents, but this often comes across as a “doesn’t love them” variety of anger when her real feelings seem to be much more complex. 

Basically, I’m still learning a lot about writing her but I think just like the other kids she’s a little lonely, so Evan comes along and he’s there and that’s enough for her. She has such a wide range of emotions that I don’t feel are always accurately represented, even by me. (especially by me)

Alana

Hella, hella lonely. Covers it up by talking to people and doing extracurriculars. Sure, “college apps” is her excuse for why she does so much, but it’s not the real reason. If she keeps busy, she doesn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. But at the same time she has similar fears to Evan about people seeing the worst of her. “Close acquaintances” seems to be a statement about how little she makes friends, but I also see it as a defense mechanism. If she remains “close acquaintances” with people, she’ll never have to be their friend and they’ll never have to see the worst of her.

She’s cheerful and annoying, but in the way that pisses high schoolers off. Like, we all knew that one kid who was just way way too nice, and most of us were like “yeah ok they’re pretty cool i guess” but like some people just hated their positivity. It also doesn’t help that she tries to insert herself in situations she hasn’t been invited in, and does some questionable things to help her accomplish her goals. (Evan/Alana contrast: Evan does questionable things to accomplish internal goals, Alana does them to accomplish external goals)

Gets easily distracted. Forgets to sign Evan’s cast in scene 1. Her mind has a million different thoughts at any given moment. It wouldn’t be out of line to headcanon ADHD Alana (some of the things she does reminds me of the things I do when I forget my meds).

Connor

?????

We don’t see a lot to really get a huge insight into his personality. We know he was angry and had some serious mental illness.

We also know that he could recognize when he went too far and would go out of his way to make amends. (Why was he in the computer lab? Why did he sign Evan’s cast?) He may recognize a kindred spirit in Evan.

Clearly he doesnt hate his family (he goes to school despite not wanting to go, and seeing Zoe’s name is what sets him off showing possible concern), and it would not surprise me to learn that he thought his family would be better and happier without him. He clearly has intense emotions and reactions even to things that might seem minuscule or inconsequential. When writing him in canon, I think of a rubber band stretched too tight, and any characters action could loosen or tighten the pulling.

Heidi

Such an emotional character, I nearly break my own heart when I’m trying to writer her.

Theres two odd kind of paradoxes in a parent-child relationship like that between Heidi and Evan. For Heidi, the paradox is that the more she wants to do for Evan, the less she can actually be there for him. For Evan, he wants his mother to succeed and loves her so much that he might even encourage her to not worry about him or spend time with him, but then resents that she’s never there. Or at least when he meets a mother who can provide and be there.

Heidi pretty much worries herself sick over Evan. Evan comes before everything else in her life, and so it’s easy for her to feel like she failed him, which is a huge reason for her intense reaction in Good for you: evan has just confirmed her fears that she’s failed him.

Heidi tries so hard, but she isn’t perfect. She’s clearly very sensitive about money or about Evan’s father, and this sensitivity can easily change to anger or passive-aggressiveness. She has deep insecurities that we may never see or fully comprehend.

Cynthia

Mom. like shes completely a mom. like, “can i speak to your manager?” type mom.

Loves her kids and tries to be supportive but struggles communicating with two very headstrong, sarcastic kids

she probably wouldn’t say this, but takes connor’s death very personally. wonders why he would do this to her 

Is desperate for her children to listen and understand her. Which Evan is more than willing to do.

A little bit selfish? Like, thinks about what will make her better rather than accepting everybody grieves differently

Larry

Fucking larry. I don’t like him and he’s the hardest character for me to write.

Ok since I made such a big deal about it in the intro i’ll try to be nicer than id normally be

A masculine archetype. Sports dad, wants sports son, which Connor isn’t

He’s got some really ableist/misogynistic tendencies that causes the intense demonization of him in the fanon but I mean... he could be worse i guess? (that’s literally the best i can say about that so yeah i dont like him at all)

Really just oblivious. Completely ignored Connor’s need for help, does not know how to read a room, you could say he frequently has a foot in his mouth if it weren’t so intentional.

I mean...probably a good guy if you can get past all that stuff? just really, really self absorbed.

yikes that was long. Again, not really a guide, just some things I think about when writing these characters. if you read this far at all thank you for indulging me this much.

[silverweretiger]

yes hi do the entire crystal headcanon list -- you knew this was coming --

Send me a crystal and I’ll tell…

abalone: what kind of situations compromise my muse emotionally

[ In a way any kind of situation does it bc Atsu involves himself wholly in things. ]

aegerine: my muse’s opinion of the supernatural

[ He believes in it. After all, Abilities aren’t exactly something normal. ]

agate: how my muse calms down

[ Cuddles w/ the kittens, reading a book, listening to the rain etc. ]

blue lace agate: my muse’s favorite form of communication (verbal, letters, texting, etc.)

[ Verbal. He likes telling his s/o and friends that he loves them personally. If he’s away then he’ll first try to call then text. ]

fire agate: if my muse is brave or cowardly

[ Brave. He’s ready to throw his life away if it means saving others. ]

moss agate: if my muse has a high or low opinion of themselves

[ Very low. He has self-esteem problems. ]

amazonite: what kind of situations call for my muse to be dishonest

[ If it has to do w/ somebody he grew really close to then yeah, he’ll be dishonest. Otherwise, it depends. ]

amethyst: what my muse would most like to be able to shape-shift into

[ A cat. It’d be easier to blend in and still get the benefits of being a feline. ]

ammolite: how lucky or unlucky my use is

[ Neutral towards unlucky. ]

angel aura quartz: my muse’s opinion of LGBT+ issues

[ He supports everybody no matter what they are. May be a bit gullible when it comes to things he has never heard of before. ]

apache tears: a sadness headcanon

[ When sad, Atsu usually tries to get somebody to cuddle w/ him. ]

apatite: a headcanon about my muse’s intuition

[ He doesn’t really trust it. ]

apophyllite: my muse’s religious/spiritual beliefs

[ None. ]

aquamarine: where my muse feels most calm/relaxed

[ At his place, Kurashi’s place or Iwao’s place. ]

biotite: the biggest problems my muse is currently dealing with

[ Trying to stop being so meek at times. ]

bloodstone: how my muse sees themselves as part of the world at large

[ He doesn’t see himself as being a significant part of the world at large. ]

calcite: my muse’s social tendencies (introverted vs extroverted, parties vs one-on-one conversations, etc.)

[ Extrovert, one-on-one conversations. ]

carnelian: an art-related headcanon

[ Can’t art to save his life, but is stubborn. Learns from Kurashi how to tho. ]

celestite: how my muse deals with anxiety

[ He... doesn’t really deal w/ it, tbh. He tends to search for places where he can be alone so he can wait it out. ]

chalcedony: the saddest my muse has ever been

[ When he fought w/ Kurashi a while ago. ]

chalcopyrite: how my muse deals with ending relationships

[ He takes it pretty hard, often beating himself up over them. Was it his fault? Was he not enough? Where did he go wrong? ]

charoite: who my muse looks up to

[ Dazai to some degree, but that’s about it. ]

chrysocolla: a money-making headcanon

[ Atsu takes the jobs that pay just about enough for him to be able to buy what he needs and put a bit to the side for later. ]

copper: how I think my muse will end up when they’re older

[ Hopefully happy and w/ somebody who cares for him as his s/o. ]

coral: how my muse views the natural world

[ He loves it. ]

diamond: a sex headcanon

[ He’s willing to try anything as long as it doesn’t involve pain or restraints. ]

dolomite: a sleep headcanon

[ He can and will sleep anywhere and in any position. ]

emerald: how my muse tells someone they love them without words

[ By being more open with them. He compliments them, leans on them, playfully paws at them etc. ]

fluorite: what my muse’s room looks like

[ It’s actually pretty barren except a few toys and the bare minimum. ]

fossil: what my muse’s dream job is

[ Doesn’t have one. He just wishes to continue working for the ADA. ]

galena: what it’s like to be in a relationship with my muse

[ It can be very draining at times especially when Atsu’s self-esteem drops even lower. Otherwise, he’s a nice and loving boyfriend who does anything he can to keep his s/o happy. ]

garnet: what my muse’s perfect partner would be

[ He doesn’t think of such things. If they are patient w/ him then he’s more than happy. ]

gold: my muse’s financial situation

[ Medium. Not bad, but not amazing either. ]

hematite: how squeamish my muse is

[ Not really that squeamish. ]

hiddenite: how much of an “inner child” my muse has

[ Quite a bit if given the chance. ]

iolite: my muse’s drinking habits

[ Very rare. ]

jade: if my muse would ever cheat on a partner

[ Never. ]

jasper: what my muse would be like as a parent

[ Very kind and caring. He’d try to be as open as possible. ]

kyanite: an anger headcanon

[ He’s the quite anger type of anger. But if he snaps back then he doesn’t hold back. ]

lapis lazuli: where ‘home’ is to my muse

[ Wherever his s/o and close friends are. ]

lodestone: what kind of people gravitate towards my muse

[ All kinds? Everybody wants the bounty on his head-- ]

malachite: what my muse as a child thought they would be when they grew up

[ Dead. I wish I were kidding, but he thought he’d die before he had a chance to grow up either due to the staff’s treatment or starving on the streets. ]

mica: what my muse views as their worst personality trait

[ He’s lack of self-esteem and confidence. ]

moonstone: my muse’s opinions on outer space

[ Neutral. ]

mother of pearl: if my muse tends to lift people up or bring them down

[ Neither. ]

nebula stone: how good my muse’s memory is

[ Pretty good. ]

obsidian: which of the seven deadly sins my muse would be

[ Hmm... Not sure actually. Gluttony? ]

opal: how creative my muse is

[ Answered here. ]

pearl: a mental health headcanon

[ He suffers from both anxiety and beginning of depression neither of which had been discovered so he suffers in silence. ]

petalite: what my muse would do if they found a wallet on the street

[ Try to find the owner. ]

pyrite: a physical health headcanon

[ He’s in top shape despite looking a bit on the fragile side. ]

quartz: how my muse thinks other people see them

[ Something they can use then discard. Which is not the best thing. ]

rhodonite: if my muse prefers elegance or convenience

[ Convenience. ]

rubellite: if my muse has any 'triggers’ that inspire painful memories

[ Anything that goes around his hands or neck too tightly as well as being yelled at. ]

ruby: a happiness headcanon

[ Whenever he’s happy, he acts even more catlike. ]

sapphire: if everyone my muse knew was hanging off a cliff and they could only choose three to save, the rest certainly dying, who they would choose

[ Answered here. ]

serpentine: how my muse would seduce another [alt: how my muse makes their money]

[ He wouldn’t. If somebody falls for him then so be it. He won’t force it. ]

silver: if my muse prefers masculinity or femininity

[ Neither. He was never properly told what the difference was so he doesn’t care. ]

tsavorite: if my muse believes in destiny or fate

[ Neither. ]

ulexite: how empathetic/sympathetic/compassionate my muse is

[ Quite sympathetic/compassionate. ]

unakite: what my muse’s ideal pet would be

[ Any kind of cat. ]

verdite: my muse’s ethnicity/family history

[ I have never gone into details about this so-- ]

zebra stone: what gets my muse excited

[ Anything tbh. ]

zoisite: does my muse believe everything’s going to work out for them in the end or not?

[ So and so. ]

[becauseizzy]

don’t ever fall for a teammate

I know there was like a post circling around that said tell a story about the most beautiful girl you’ve met and I wanted to like tell my story but no one was actually reblogging it and telling their story and I didnt wanna be THAT person to here it is on my own tumblr bc I know -2 people will see this but I just want to get it out.

first off I wanna say that I have seen many beautiful women in this world, i’ve seen katie mcgrath, gal gadot, and tobin freaking heath with my own eyes, but there is absolutely nothing that can compare to this girl in my life.

we’re not together. I don’t know if we ever will be together, but i’ll get to that later. i’ll just start with how we met.

I play club soccer, I have for two years now and I assumed that I was going to keep the same team until we all split off for college. I was very wrong. at least half of my original team dropped off due to injuries or loss of interest in the sport, and in those losses came half a new team. I was skeptical because I was already the new girl one year before, I didn’t want to have to get to know 6 new girls for another season. but honestly? i’m glad I did.

this wasn’t the super obvious kind of beauty, in my opinion. in all honesty we had practiced a good three weeks together before our first tournament in Asheville before I actually noticed her and started paying attention to her. saying that out loud though makes me seem like a terrible person, but you’ll understand when I tell you about her later.

anyway, it was our first game of the tourni. i’m all shits and nerves because this is a real tournament and I want to impress my coach with my new skills. granted I think I scored once the entire thing but that doesn’t matter, only she did. if I remember correctly we needed desperately to win the first game if we wanted a chance to keep moving forward, and I think we were 1-0 when she scored her first goal from 40. yards. out. now, considering that Carli Lloyd has scored from mid field on a professional sized field, 40 yards on a high school field isn’t TOO impressive. but let me tell you, this was an impressive goal. and it was what made me notice her in the first place.

I yelled for her to shoot the freaking ball and so did everyone else and I wasn’t expecting her to make it, honestly, but she did and it took my completely off guard. I don’t know how long it was before I came off the field but when i did all I could see was her. and fuck, let me tell you this girl is the most beautiful soul I have ever laid eyes on.

she’s tall, taller than me actually, and in my town that’s surprisingly hard to do unless you play volleyball or basketball. she has blue eyes, blue eyes that I swear on my life I really could get lost in if I wanted to. and her face, dude, her face was crafted to literal perfection. she’s got these amazing cheekbones and her cheeks are hollow enough to make her look angelic but not too much that she looks like she needs to eat a burger or something. she’s beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, everything. and don’t even get me started on her personality. she’s one of the funniest people I swear i’ve ever met, and it’s so easy to be myself around her that it’s scary.

but that’s not the scariest part.

like I said before, it took me a while to actually realize just how beautiful this girl is. two months to be exact. it wasn’t until a very intense practice that I realized this girl made my knees weak and my hands sweat. she’s a completely different person on the field and off. on the field, she’s 5 feet 8 inches of pure grueling kickass soccer. homegirl does NOT play around, she’s got at least 8 different colored rolls of pre wrap, never wears pants to practice because she works her ass off and knows she’s gonna get hot, and she’s beautiful while doing it all.

off the field? completely different. she’s shy. like, super shy. an introvert if I have EVER met one. she really doesn’t talk that much at all, and she very rarely stays at the team hotel and it took at least 10 minutes of convincing for her to come out to dinner with the team at a tourni. she’s not much of a texter at all. you can have a super big and meaningful talk with her for maybe 20 minutes and then you don’t talk to her for a couple days. she keeps streaks, and if you’re lucky you get to snap her back and forth throughout the day and talk about drama at your schools or how you’re feeling. I was one of those lucky people.

looking back on it, I don’t know if i’m grateful for being lucky, or if I despise it with everything inside of me. because she’s straight (as far as I know, but it’s complicated) and I, on the other hand, am very very gay. especially for her.

if you asked anyone on the team who I was the closest with, they would say kennedy. even to my suprise. I had no idea everyone thought we were the closest on the team, or that it was so obvious to everyone that I liked her, except her. it didn’t take me long to realize that I did honestly. but I kept stuffing it down because I knew there was little to no chance of it actually happening. if anything it got forced out of me, and once it did, it blew up. by the end of the week everyone knew and it was stressing me the HELL out. I was trying so hard not to act different, I really was. but it was so hard to not stare at her when she untied her hair and let it all flow down her shoulders like some fucking slow mo movie. and it was so hard not to cheer her on and hype her up when she was quite literally becoming my best friend. and I really tried not to fall, I really did.

by the end of october she knew. I told her through a spotify playlist because i’m literally so stupid and basic, and honestly? it was fine. at first. she told me that it didn’t change anything, that I was still one of her bffs. but it did change and i think it’s one of the things I hate myself for. we had a tournament at james island in november, our last tourni that actually mattered and I was scared. because she knew, everyone knew, and this might be the last time that I see her. it wasn’t, but the fear was real.

anyway, back to the point, things changed. at the end of the tournament she was hanging out with anyone BUT me, she was short on her replies, and she wasn’t telling me basic things like how her day was or how she was feeling. which, she’s not obligated to tell me, it’s hard to become close to her like I was. but it hurt, and I had no idea why she was being the way she was. but I should have seen it coming.

she blocked me on snapchat on thanksgiving. it took me completely off guard, she hadn’t even gone through my whole story to the part where I was saying I was thankful for her before she swiped out of it and blocked me. unfriended me. did whatever she did. and it hurt for such a long time, because I asked her if I had done something because that’s what you do right?

she said she needed space, that she had been freaking out lately, please don’t text back. I don’t know why it still hurts to think about that text because we’re sort of okay now, but it hurt then. how did we go from best friends to just the girl she keeps a streak with? i have a feeling that it was just me in general. she eventually told me all that had been happening, after 3 weeks we had practice for state cup and i’d never been more nervous in my life. I respected her wish for space, cuz like duh? but anyway, she told me about her anxiety, and then made an emphasis on how it wasn’t me. I don’t know why it’s significant to me that she said that but it is. because I feel like it is me. I feel like I fucked up the one good thing I had by telling her how I really felt. I don’t know if I things would be different if I had never told her. a part of me wishes I never did. because now all I can think about is her smile and her laugh and the way she’s actually happy around me, the way she’s so much more open and touchy with me than anyone else on the team. and it all leads to hope, hope that maybe me telling her got her to thinking about things she never had to think about and that’s what made her anxious. that I made her anxious, because maybe I was something she wanted.

but now I don’t know. I don’t know if i’ll ever know. but if there’s any kind of god out there, I pray that they give me a chance to show her just how amazing she is. because she is so perfect, in all of her blue eyed glory.