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gumballavocadoharry · 3 months

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Roger doesn't live here anymore; Jack Chambers:

*Templeton and Braxton are not real streets in Seattle, The Tribune is not a real magazine cover. Mentions of traumatic flashbacks, abuse, depression, alcohol useage and slight abuse, angst and some mild swearing.*

Roger was pressed against the door of his forest green mercury. Taking in the blazing heat of summer, allowing beads of sweat to trickle down his face; down the back of his ear before dropping a spot onto his sky blue polo. His fingers were wrapped into a glass cola bottle, taking in gulps occasionally to wet his throat from the dry air. It had been two summers ago that Roger had finally graduated school.

Lucas Marlowe and Samuel Getty were sitting just a row in front of Roger and his family. The auditorium walls were streamed with blue and gold- the school's theme colors, the seats were even padded extra, Roger swore than how they usually were during assemblies. He was escorted backstage with the rest of the graduates to gather their diplomas and to share one last look into the school auditorium before they walked off the stage for the last time.

Roger remembered that stage vividly. The first time walking across it was ninth grade, when he was placed in a mandatory school performance that was essential to his drama class. Jack and Alice still had the humiliating recording of it on the camera that stored away in their closet.

Susan mocked him that entire week, Jack would innocently joke around and Alice would compliment her "little star" and say "she had upcoming professional dancer" in the house. Roger's graduation ceremony was recorded on the same camera; Jack and Alice staring gleefully with pride, his mother shedding a few tears that she swiped away quickly not wanting to smudge her mascara. Susan was there, smile plastered to her face, eyes not darting away for one second of her baby brother's moment. Roger even recognized her clap was the loudest; helping him with his physics and math.

That year was when Roger put perspective on his life. He had grown up, had mellowed a little from his elementary years but not enough to stop being a rascal. It was that spring, Roger had sent out for colleges. Jack had gave little nudges to Roger that colleges in San Diego were cheaper and more exclusive. He added that 'the distance wouldn't be worth it. You would have to pay for gas, food and plus the chances of getting lost or missing arrival dates were just awaiting disappointments'. "I went to Columbia back home so I wasn't too far away from my folks, ya know?" Roger swirled his soggy cereal around in his bowl, biting his lip to his father's ulterior suggestions.

"Maybe college is not for me," Roger knew that wasn't his true answer, but in a moment of rebellion against Jack, it slipped out anyway. "The trade schools here are just terrific! You could learn how to, blah blah blah-" Here. Here in California, here in San Diego, that was all Jack thought about. Roger's future was here, everything in his life circled around this city and this house with this family.

He kept any jagged breathes to himself and listened with conviction to Jack's notion of what he wanted for Roger. His finally met Jack's eyes; green, matured with crinkles around his eyes and gray stripes to the sides of his hair leading to his sideburns. "You know Roger, I could give you an internship at job. I'll ask Frank and see what he thinks?" Roger sucked in his cheeks and gave an artificial polite smile before thanking his father. Roger kept his focus rigidly still on the white oak wooden table. He could feel Jack's stare boring into him but didn't meet his eyes once. He knew Roger was reaching limit to anymore ideas of his. "I gotta get to work, but we'll talk more later."

Jack levitated from the table grabbing his suit jacket and suitcase, trudging over to Roger to plop a kiss on the skin of his scalp. "Bye, see you at dinner." Roger still kept his focus on the table until the slam of the front door echoed through the house. "He's just worried about you," Alice's voice, honeyed with trickles of sugar rubbing in it.

Her eyes were soft and hazy, bare with no mascara or eyeliner to roof the naturalness of her lime spherules. "I know-" Roger paused, contradicting what was about to implode from his mouth. "Susan's been gone for almost a year now. She's onto her studies at college and....it was never a hassle for her. I mean, you and dad took it pretty well." Alice's eyes glanced towards the kitchen floor for a second. She knew how much Roger stretched the truth that circled that situation.

"Baby..." He whispered, "Just the baby of the family- he wants me to stay that way....the baby." Alice looked down before taking away Roger's bowl. But Roger's eyes didn't pluck from his mother's face. He waited for an answer to his question in the manner a patient waits for test results. Alice finally shared her expression; a small tactful smile with matching eyes. A hand lifted to Roger's cheek. "You're his son." There it was. As flat as the table in front of him. Something that wouldn't change for anything, for better or worse.

Roger finally stepped away from his car after finishing the bottle of coke in his hand. His polo shirt had moist spots of sweat stuck to his back and his armpits were more sticky and damp than the rest of the shirt. Roger fished in his pocket for the folded up letter that traveled all the way from Seattle; a place Roger would soon name home once the college accepted him. He used the soft drink as a courage gatherer for the hard speech he was about to give at the dinner table. He pictured himself; so far away and small compared to the opposite end where his parents sat; tall and perched high like they had thrones underneath them.

His eyes would dart to the clock in the kitchen that was shaped like a chicken to ease the tension that would spike his throat and paralyze it. The words, those words that were so important, that meant a complete one eighty turn in his life would fall like little snowflakes and disappear into the crunchy soft blanket of snow mixed in icy water. They would be nothing. Jack's face would be dry and hollowed out like a shell. His voice would be shaky, floundering out a "congratulations" when his eyes would mean something else. The rims would be red and glossy, small crinkles would appear in between his eyebrows, his mouth would be stapled into this stereotypical fatherly pride smile, but it would mean nothing. He would be losing his little boy, and to Jack, Roger moving away would be the same as Roger falling into a trench or drowning in a lake or slamming his car into another and it exploding on impact.

It would mean a loss of closeness, of a friend of a son...his son. Roger wiped the sweat from his forehead before fumbling inside the house with tittering confidence. Every step of his sneakers pounded louder than the other; making every small breath shudder and mist under the thick smog of pressure beating down his spine. Finally, reaching the door knob, slowly curving it under his finger tips and pushing it to creek open. Alice was baking in the kitchen, sauntering between oiling her roast and checking the crust of her pie in the oven. Roger's shadow spooked her a little off her heel. "Roger! I didn't see you," her voice a bit ruffled but lighthearted.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about something-""About what?" Roger tried pulling himself out of the conversation but couldn't. Alice's eyes were locked and focused on her son, stiff as a board like a brick has been thrown at him. "Nothing. It was about my friend, Chet, he was thinking about vacationing in Costa Rica for the week and he asked me if I wanted to come....I'm still deciding." Alice gave a small smile but still cautioned herself before turning around. She knew her son wasn't being honest, in fact she completely understood what he was hiding but dropped it anyway.

It was the sound of the front door opening and the thud of Jack's suitcase bopping against the wooden floor. "I'm home!" He greeted. Alice ran to him with a glass of scotch and a peck on the lips. "And how's my queen?" Jack seemed extra cheery, smothering Alice with affection the moment he stepped through the front door. Roger was tucked away in his bedroom twiddling his thumbs at his desk, contemplating a list of reasons for why moving to Seattle was right for him.

"Where's Rog? I've got great news for him!" Alice's smile stiffened, her eyes glancing to upstairs. Her mouth opened a bit wanting to speak to Jack before he could speak to Roger but decided silence was best. "Tell me first," she insisted. Jack led her aside to the couch. "I asked Frank about an internship at my office for Roger and he said it was great idea! Not only would Roger get paid part time, but.... it keeps him occupied. A bunch of the other guys at the job want their sons there too!" Jack's enthusiasm swallowed the room. The glint in his eyes when he talked about working with Roger. The man so hopelessly wanted to hold on to his 'little buddy' for as long as he could and it was fraying at the fringes of independence Roger so desperately wanted to cling to just as much.

Roger, hearing the conversation, felt like he had swallowed his heart raw. His mouth tasted metallic and bland. His skin itched against the little knots of lint that layered his body and eyes welled up from the dry air of not being blinked. Soon the taste of blood choked him; he had bitten into his lip a little harder than he would've liked. Jumping from his desk, Roger scrambled to his nightstand for tissue only to be met with a knock on the door and a door knob jiggle. He unlocked the door and invited Jack into his bedroom and down to his bed.

"Roger, I was able to talk to Frank about everything and he told me....." Jack built up anticipation for Roger, expecting that same excitement he would've shared if he had been seven years old. "And he said, you could have an internship at my office!" The exclamation was met with a tight hug and Jack's buried mouth into Roger's jawline. Roger cocked a smirk, eyes focused yet dazed on the dark oak desk. "Dad," Roger said with a whisper. Almost like a plead for him to gain nuance and braise his affection.

"Roger?" Jack pulled away, eyes filled with pride and adoration for his young offspring. Roger licked his lips before breathing a deep breath of tension that would remain until he finally spoke. "I have a very important announcement to make at dinner that goes along with that...." Jack furrowed his eyebrows a little. Roger tried to dissolve any intimidation from the crinkles in between Jack's eyebrows. It was like looking into a mirror of his older self. Little lines around his mouth, more subtle bags under his eyes, peppery gray to the sides of his brunette hair and a more intense yet gentle glow in his emerald eyes. That same glow that make Roger's stomach twist into every kind of knot. Just like in this moment, would pierce through Roger like an arrow but smolder him like a boulder. "Well, I'm excited! Hopefully I get to work with my favorite buddy." Jack's hand coupled Roger's cheek with gentleness.

Something that bubbled Roger's stomach.

The table was surrounded with sides for the roast. Mashed potatoes, steamed asparagus, peas and carrots, squash and salad; a unintentional ceremony dinner fit for a moment as tall as this. Not to mention the cherry pie that was cooling off on the countertop. Dinnertime talk was filled with antics from Jack's work, hassles from Alice's preparation of dinner and Susan's postcards. "What did she send?" Roger, perking up on the mention of his sister. God he missed her. The way her hair would swish over her shoulder so gracefully and how good it smelled when she washed it every two weeks. Her nails like Alice's were always donned in some specific color of red, pink, blue, purple....her soothing voice would comfort Roger and remind him of what would be right in front of him; gently taking his ego down a notch.

"She mentioned that she loves Pasadena- she recently found a new restaurant and that she would love to show us to it if we visit." Alice had such athrill in her voice. That same motherly excitement that she lugged with her since the day Susan entered the world. Their excited faces resonated with Roger of how much they could grow from this. Even Alice had said that even though she missed Susan dearly, she got used to the idea of her being so far and is now excited for her daughter's opportunities. Roger remembered that week; tears were all that Alice wore. Not the kitty eyeliner that skirted her eyelids, not the bold red wine lips or the strawberry pink blush....just plain, blah mellowness. Roger didn't recognize this woman. Her lively attitude was replaced with this somber zombie that moped around the house.

Dinners were either takeout or TV ones packaged in a little blue box and the only newly cleaned things were the dinner dishes and the living room and kitchen tables from their meals. But it all vanished within a few weeks. The house had been spotless, the smell of spaghetti lingered through the kitchen and Alice's hair was pinned up with her usual black headband and her apron was ironed out and clean. Roger found her scrubbing out the stove with a more contented look. Now it was Jack's turn.

Roger took a big breath, releasing tension into the swish of air that circled the table like vultures over a corpse. He looked both his parents squarely in the eyes then at their empty plates with just crumbs scattered around the porcelain. "I'll get everyone's dessert," Alice excused herself, grabbing everyone's plates and taking them to the kitchen. Eyes were boring into Roger. Roger had a disposition of confidence and frailness all smorgasborded into one. Alice returned with the cherry pie; perfect like something from a Betty Crocker cookbook.

Whipped cream was dolloped on the top. The smell seeped through a few seconds after its arrival. Slices were evenly cut and served and then the attention fell back on Roger. This was nothing new, he had become the center of Alice and Jack's attention only a few hours after Susan left. Roger was used to being fussed over, but even he didn't realize just how caged he would be in with all eyes on him all the time. Like a circus animal about to jump through a hoop or do a silly dance at the command of his master; Roger was this exotic creature and his parents just couldn't jilt their eyes away.

"So Roger, you had something you wanted to share?" Jack took a bite into his pie. Roger cleared his throat, taking a deep breath before releasing the thick fog of tension into the mist of wondering stares. His skin grew hot and sticky; itchy and moist, his shirt tightened around his neck, suffocating the shallow bits of superficial air that became trapped in his lungs if he was lucky. Roger's mouth opened but closed on the mental command of licking his lips. "I do.." his voice trembled a little but caught its grip upon locking eyes with his parents.

"Earlier today, in the mail I received a letter from Seattle University. It was an acceptance letter that welcomed me into their college and the semester starts in the fall." The house was silent, only the creaks of the house settling could be heard.

"Congratulations honey," Alice broke the ice with a small clap and a smile glimmering with pride from ear to ear. Roger glanced to Jack who held his fork rigidly; frozen still and so was the plastic grin on his face. "We're proud of you Roger." Jack said; specks of dismay seeping in. If the raw realization of Roger leaving in only a few months wasn't sobering enough, but last few scratches of time he had left with him was built around studies and girls and trips with friends. It was only then did Jack realize.... Roger planned this for months; possibly a year before he decided to take notice himself.

A slap in the face of blindside to say the least. Suddenly Jack found his stomach turning and quaking internally. His appetite was gone, but he still ate anyway and washed it down with almost his entire bottle of scotch in the dark.

Roger knew how hard it hit Jack. Even through his poker face, Roger could almost hear the sounds of rupturing sorrow break through in his smile. His fingers drummed the top of the desk while he stared into space, reading his acceptance letter over and over. The words started looking fuzzy and small. The paper felt numb against the palm of his hand and his head did a dive which shook him out of his chair and pacing the room. It was hard to be excited about the opportunities when he was leaving a chunk of his life behind. Or maybe it was the person he was leaving. Letting go of for the sake of happiness and possibilities and journaling.....it all seemed surreal. Roger then smashed his fist into his other hand. He wasn't backing down.... Jack would just have to understand.

"I probably scared him away...." Alice glanced to Jack in the living room, sitting on his favorite arm rest chair and jotting down his scotch. "I mean....it was a lot to ask...." He slapped his head, "So stupid!" He gritted. "Jack, it wasn't about that. I think he was scared to tell you because....well he knows how close you and him are." Jack nodded, "Roger has always wanted to become a journalist. This is a big chance for him." "But why does it have to be in Seattle? What's wrong with San Diego? Even Susan stays in Pasadena! It's still a part California- what does a big polluted city have to do with journalism?"

Alice shrugged, eyes still locked on the sudsy mountain of bubbles in the sink. "It is one of the best universities there," Alice set aside a plate, "he'll be fine."

Jack bit his lip, not even valor to look into his wife's eyes. He swigged the rest of his scotch before bolting up from the chair, turning towards the stairs. "Jack," he turned to Alice, finally meeting her eyes. She looked at the rim of the sink and then to Jack again, "Let Roger be." Alice's voice was soft and creamed. It crawled through Jack, nicking his eardrums. Jack blew a whistle through his nose before stepping carefully onto the steps.

"I'll think I'll go with him," Alice stood in the bathroom, rolling the last tuft of hair into the curler clip. "Jack-" "No Alice... he's only twenty one. I wasn't even that young when I left New York. I just wanna go with him to see exactly what this university has- just to be on the safe side in case he changes his mind." Alice shook her head slightly, spewing a subtle frown. "Ask Roger first." She warned.

Jack carefully took his time with each step, like he was almost nervous to approach Roger knowing the answer would be something he wouldn't be able to grip right away. But he would be disillusioned to believe he had any options. This was Roger's life, period. Jack would need to understand that. He found Roger sitting at his desk, chewing on the eraser of his pencil, eyes rigidly focused on the blank paper that carried blank words for a gratitude letter to follow pursuit of Roger's arrival to the college.

Jack quietly, almost invisibly knocked on Roger's door. Roger glanced at the door before signaling Jack to come through. The room always had this cozy aura. The sterile yet homey thick candle-wood smell that ran through every corner of Roger's room. Jack slowly sat on the bed, watching Roger fiddle at his desk; back turned away from his father while he racked his brain for a polite introduction to the start of his letter. While waiting, Jack couldn't resist scanning the room carefully, like he was capturing mental pictures of every souvenir that rang of a theme for Roger's bedroom.

Every teddy bear that ever sat on his bed, every toy airplane that hung from his ceiling and every little pencil or pen that was scattered around his desk. Jack could've bored holes through the back of Roger's head, only for it to be shaken from Roger's turning to finally face Jack. The silence was deafening as Jack couldn't move his tongue to spit the right words out in the minute. So many thoughts and prompts to start up a conversation to answer the billions of questions that spun tornadoes in Jack's mind. Like he couldn't catch one thought that would stick out more than the other ones.

"I can't decide on an introduction for the letter. I wanna send them a very professional gratitude letter; thanking them for accepting me into the college." Jack bit his lip, but curved a fatherly smirk before glancing down to look at the carpet specs. "How long have you considered this?" Roger raised an eyebrow, "The letter?" "The college. Did you send out the application a year prior?" Roger nodded, eagerly like an excited child. Jack couldn't deny the ecstatic hue his eyes seemed to glow while he took the second to ponder on the achievement.

"Seattle," shaking his head with complete awe like his name was glittered in lights on the California Hollywood sign, "It's gonna be huge! I'll have my own dorm apartment, I'll get the best view of the major I picked.... journalism. Writing my first article for everyone to read in a newspaper or magazine...."

Roger turned his head for a split-second, sucking in the enlivening vision of a city boy in this futuristic city, hopping of buses, office buildings the height of dystopian trees, the equal temperatures of rain, sun and snow...to see a full winter and fall in it's proper form was an exotic appreciation. "You know, it's going to be a big job moving all your things out from your room....I could help if you need it?" Roger smiled, "Thanks dad.... I'm going to move everything one by one, it'll be easier that way." Jack already knew Roger could see right through his plan, giving him a respectful letdown.

Jack could feel himself nibbling on the desired question he wanted so badly to know. The answer kept edging closer towards him like waves against the sand but never fully engulfing the shore with its grasp. It lingered like a tainted smell, like a vibe of excitement from an illuminated promise to oneself. The question: why?

Why would his youngest want to leave the shelter of his nest and dabble into the cold cluttered sharp atmosphere of the world? Wasn't the house enough for Roger? Didn't he idolize the attention he received from his parents? Didn't he crave the homey cooked meals and the love that was sprinkled into every one of them? Wouldn't he know that Jack had begun to feel dull about his work; still routinely going for money that was spent on his food, clothes and happiness? That was all Jack wanted.....for Roger to be happy. But he wanted Roger to be happy with him, with his father.....his friend.

Jack could practically feel how it felt to cradle his baby in his arms. Like a soft warm baby doll, a precious little gift from God for everything good Jack had done. Jack pestered more questions with only underlying answers: "You don't have to leave right away, you can stay here until it's time." "I'll drive you upstate instead of you having to endure that cramped plane trip." "You may change your mind, and decide that San Diego is your place to be."

Everyquestion was met with a read between the lines answer. It hurt Jack more than it should've that Roger was dead set on this trip. But Jack could only sit helplessly and ponder the one protruding thought that bounced through his mind like a basketball on a court. Why? Why didn't Roger wanna stay with him and Alice? Why was Roger so inclined to this shady glow of the real world? No....it was more.

Why did Roger want to let go?

Cut the apron strings of their allegiance as father and son? Jack didn't seem so good enough anymore; once a man who could hang the moon was now a crack in the road getting in Roger's way. Jack couldn't let go. He couldn't let go of Susan, so he would be a fool to do it with his youngest child.... someone who surely persuaded themselves to believe they didn't need their parental friendship. That it would mean nothing in twenty years. It was a twenty-year project for the parents; making their kids happy and safe in their perfect house that the California sun liked to rise above.

It was like a cold warmth that jagged through Jack's neck the more he could see the stars in Roger's eyes. The more excited he grew at his desk, inkling words onto his paper, tore Jack in half. He ended up walking out of the tension-filled room and into his own where he chocked on a silent quivering cry. Jack knew he was the one who needed his baby more than anything.

The next morning, was filled with a silence and the dissipating chirps of birds singing away at the bubble gum morning sky. The heat of July didn't fully take shape, so it settled in Jack's mind to take a quick Saturday morning walk around the block. Alice was also tucked away in their bed, snoring a peaceful tune that could barely be made audible. Jack couldn't resist but kiss her little kitten nose gently before donning on jeans and a red dress shirt before slipping out of the front door. The neighborhood was quiet and private. No one could possibly be awake this early on a weekend?

But, Jack couldn't admit to himself that he was barely able to keep his eyes shut the entire evening; tossing and turning with every bad dream of counting down Roger's departure. He didn't want his brain to keep racking those thoughts but couldn't seem to help himself whenever his mind would question a concern that haunted him like an empty graveyard. So, here he was....up and awake walking through his little neighborhood block. Jack spotted Bunny and Dean's house. It was quiet and serene. Their yard like a vacuumed blanket; clean without one football or soccer ball laying lifelessly on the grass.

Their boys had moved all the way to Delaware for business, though their leaving didn't swipe one slash on the couple. Jack couldn't even ponder how they made it through. "We taught them young how to fend for themselves." Jack remembered swallowing his martini harshly once those words were slingshoted into his brain. "I could never cast my children away like that! Their so careless!" Jack thought silently to himself during the dinner party. Jack continued taking sheltered steps down the crusty sidewalk, smelling the fresh dew of the morning sun. Jack welcomed the sprew of sun glimmer to spotlight his skin. To him, it felt weightless and freeing for the moment.

Jack soaked in the sun like it would be cloudy for the month or the year; maybe it would be for awhile...since Roger couldn't enjoy it with him. Trailing back home, the smell of eggs swirled around him. It reminded Jack for a brief moment that there were still people around. His wife and son were still tucked away in their little dollhouse home, enjoying breakfast for another morning. Opening the door blew the delectable scent of breakfast right into Jack's nostrils. It kissed him and snickered through his tongue and stomach the closer his steps took him to the dining room. Roger's eyes stayed glued to the newspaper- scanning through the different hair-raisers that seemed to ride around the city. Alice had set two mugs down- one for Jack, the other for Roger. Alice poured coffee into Jack's mug, coming to Roger's, Jack waved his hand. Roger's view was peering over the top of the newspaper seeing that his mug was being filled with orange juice instead. A slight furrow dented into his head before smoothing once he took a quick glance over to Jack. He stared at the lifeless orange juice in his coffee cup. The burly smell of coffee seemed to sizzle in Jack's cup. A slight twinge festered inside Roger but he kept quiet. Instead, he made civil breakfast conversation, got up, cleared his plate and poured himself a decent cup of coffee on the way out.

Father and son's eyes met only for a brief second- Roger grabbing his keys and treking out the door. Alice gave Jack a look before jotting down to her plate again. "He's too young to drink coffee," Jack stood up carrying his plate with him, "No he isn't Jack...." Alice chewed the side of her lip, "that's why he stood up and got himself-" Alice turned seeing an agitated Jack gawk angrily at the sink, "Got himself what?" Alice cleared her throat, "A cup.. of coffee." Jack gave an off track loud inhale before gusting out this large internal sigh. "Yeah..." Jack washed the excess of his dish before grabbing his suitcase. "See you later, hon," A small kiss was pressed to the top of Alice's scalp before Jack walked out of the house in utter silence.

Jack's work seemed to stare back at him. Although hating to admit it, Jack was lollygagging in his office chores from complete boredom and distract. A simple cup of coffee wouldn't usually rattle Jack... but the syllabication would. A underscore of what was to be italicized. Fiddling with gold band around his finger, Jack allowed his mind to bore more and more into a mental path of hopeless solutions to Roger's demanding revolt. "Hey Jack," Spinning around to meet Frank's eyes jolted Jack back into his focus. "Oh hey Frank," "So... did you tell that boy of yours about the internship?" Jack's heart sunk heavy like a damp moggy raincloud, "Um... I asked him about it last night, but he said he already had a job lined up in Seattle." Frank's eyebrows raised, "Seattle? Hm... well, I hear they have delicious coffee- famous for their coffee houses." Frank chuckled. He was always one to make best of a worst. Still, Jack seemed disappointed with his response, "Well, tell him congratulations for me." Jack nodded, "Will do." Frank left Jack's cubicle, leaving him alone to bask in his thoughts again.

"Will do."

Pings and chimes of porcelain cups and plates surrounded Roger. The diner was a perfect place for a hot cup of coffee and new material on his Ellison piece that he was covering for the extra two hundred. A notepad that was stowed in the glove compartment of his car was a guaranteed travel accessory. He dabbled the pen between his fingers, unsure where to start against the first faded blue lines of the paper. "Rog," turning around to see, Mick, shutting through the door and taking the next bar seat to Roger's left. "Hey... whatcha doin?" Roger shrugged, "I guess working on my piece for the Ellison cars." Roger stared back at his empty paper. Not one word written, not one idea of even so much of a plot conjured. "I know what might jog your brain," Roger turned back to Mick, eyebrow arched in a slight raise but eyes leering through- ready to prepare for an outlandish proclaims Mick might suggest. "Don't say speed Mick." Mick chuckled, "No! I was gonna say..." he leaned in closer, "you know Suzanne Kratz? Well, she's having a party tonight. She says if we're interested to just come by and join in...." Roger turned away from Mick for a moment before turning back with a smirk sliding across his face.

"Alright....." he nodded, "okay, I could use a pick me up... thanks Mick." Mick patted Roger's back before signaling the waitress for a cup of a coffee. Roger kept thinking about the party- as if Suzanne Kratz wasn't enough for him already. Why not? Hethought, after all, this might as well be my personal going away party.

Roger's eyes studied the clock- 9:00. It was already nine and that meant the party was probably just getting started. Roger was finishing the last two buttons on his short sleeve button down. His black slacks matched his blazer. Grabbing his keys, Roger capered down the stairs, capturing the attention of his parents as he presented himself through the living room. "Well where are headed my handsome guy?" Roger flashed his mom a smile, "It's a writer's retreat. Since I've been working on the Ellison piece, I was invited to share a draft of it with Mr. Gao." Jack kept his stare steady on Roger. Mouth still in a tattered pride smile but never a full of honest gaiety. "Is there a plus one?" Roger stared a his father for a moment before recollecting his smile and shaking his head, "Nah, I don't think so." His glances jolted from one parent to the other, before giving away huffed inside chuckle. "I'll see you later, alright?" Montoned and jaded, Roger put his hand on the door knob, "Rog," He turned, "Just try to be home before one." Jack quietly said. Roger licked his lips and gave a nod. Brisking himself out the door, only the sound of his car peddling out of the driveway could be heard only before his headlights reflected through the living room.

Jack stared at the door for a few minuted before turning his attention back to his book.

Suzanne Kratz's house was bigger than Roger expected.... a lot bigger. The attendant parked Roger's car for him once Roger found himself shuffling against the throng of partygoers stumbling inside Suzanne's home. Greek like stone pillars stood in the front of the house while they echoed throughout the back too. Roger was finding himself inside this exhibition where drunk kisses, loud yells and the stench of beer ruminated the room. "Hey baby...." a drunk girl passing by Roger- completely naked and flashing her mini brazilian. Still, the smell of her perfume lingered through Roger's nostrils even when she was running upstairs and disappeared into one of the bedrooms. "Roger, so glad you made it!" He turned to see Mac walking over with two beers in his hands. Giving one to Roger, Mac decided to give him the up and up on the party. "How are you enjoying yourself so far?"

"Well, I thought it was going to be a high class party because of the parking attendant outside, but when I came inside, a naked girl flaunted herself to me before running upstairs." Mac let out a hollering laugh. "My gosh dude! What did you do?!" Roger shrugged with this silly grin, "Nothing much- you called me and so I figured I'd stick around with you for a little while." Mac patted Roger's chest before taking him to Suzanne. "Come meet the woman of the evening!" Suzanne stood tall with this dark mocha bob and thick cat-liner. "Hello Roger, Mac has told me so much about you," Catching a quick whiff of her perfume, Roger was enticed, "Nice to meet you too.... this is really cool party," Suzanne smiled, "I hope your enjoying yourself." Her voice was more seductive than what Roger had liked it to be... or so he thought. He found himself ensnared by her delicate charm. Her ravishing way of life was begging to rub off on Roger. A adrenaline of excitement spun through the young man the more his mind wandered toward Seattle. How the women would look, how the city would light up at night, how the cafes would smell of their distinctive coffee taste.

The rush drifted Roger to the bar- snagging martinis to bead the hankering dream of Seattle lights. Clock striking a little after 3, Roger- sober enough to drive himself home, was snagging himself back to the house. The streetlights hued Roger's chevy as he pulled quietly into the driveway. Eyes boring into the car's clock that read 3:24, sent a stiff shudder through Roger's spine. He quietly tip toed into the house, hoping that maybe Jack and Alice would be sound asleep. They would have just trusted or simply forgotten their suggested curfew. But there was Jack- right in his favorite chair, deep scowl on his face. Roger finally locked eyes with his wroth father. "One o' clock Roger..... you promised one o' clock," Roger sniffled, "I know bu-"

"But nothing!" Jack shot a glance over to the stairs careful not to wake Alice. He walked over to Roger, pointing his finger and gritting his teeth, "We placed that curfew for a reason Roger! You need to abide by it!" "Dad.... I am sorry that I came home late- I am. I also apologize for not calling either-" Roger bit his lip, wanting to say more but deciding against it. He tried to make his way by the stairs only to be stopped by Jack. "Maybe I should move your curfew up to eleven, hm?" A twinge picked Roger, "Maybe, you should just mind your own business, hm? Don't you have to go to work tomorrow anyway?"

Now Jack was really angry- storming over to Roger and grabbing his arm, "Don't you ever take that tone with me!" He gritted, "as long as you live under my roof, you will follow my rules, understand?!" Roger stared into his father's pupils with this boiling angst. But nonetheless, nodded, yanked his arm out of his grasp and trudged upstairs. Only when Jack was glaring at him through the widened crack of Roger's door, did Roger slam it enough for Alice to jolt from her sleep. "Jack?" He turned to Roger with the same glare and Roger shot back with an up raised eyebrow and a icy bore.

Roger climbed into bed after brushing his teeth and gargling to remove the traces of alcohol from his breath. His mind- wide awake from his father's words. "My house, my rules." The common preach that most parents belated everytime one of their offspring screws up or knocks them over with their rebellion of whatever sort. This was also the first time these words had crossed Jack's lips. Roger knew his father was so lushly tucked into 'free choice' and 'understanding' but now banged with this sudden swipe for an upper hand, now tables those beetling words over his head. It seemed to smoosh into Seattle- the grail of freedom for Roger. His fancy apartment in the city, his enriching studies at the university and the hot coffee dates on a rainy Sunday with a Madeline or a Jessica- long dusted blonde locks or husky black strains pressed into a bra strap length, laying flat against the chisel of her back. His brain just couldn't help itself.

Settle was the place to be. Only a few months away. But summer would be too long. And spring just seemed to tow on and on. So maybe.... right now was the right time. Maybe packing up everything he owned would be the first shot. Roger didn't even dream of finding an apartment down there at this time now. And besides, how would he pay for it? Of course his job with the newspaper was the one to swindle in his bank goal- adding the final touches to what would've been saved over the summer for a plane ticket, a long distance moving truck, long distance cargo for his car, the first two months rent of his apartment and finally the school books, the school supplies and the other accessorizes that every college student would need. That would take the entire summer on his current salary. So asking Mr. Gao for a raise an option, but then..... taking a second job was another. Roger promised himself that in the morning, he would think carefully about the next step.

If this was his one shot, then he was sure to make it count.

"And the he told me, 'Maybe you should mind your own business," like who does he think he's talking to? I'm his father- the least he could've done is show me respect!" Jack took an angry sip of his coffee, "he seems to have forgotten that lately." Alice shook her head and placed her hand on Jack's wrist. "I'm not at all excusing his behavior.... but he's been under stress lately with trying to get things ready for his college and all-" "No Alice, Roger shouldn't even be focused on that college.... he should be helping me at the office and take the damn internship that Frank offered in the first place!" Alice rested her head on her hand, "Jack...." Jack rubbed his eyes, dragging his face down with the force of his hands, "Sorry.... its just... I'm trying to give him every opportunity and he just throws them away for..... Seattle." Sounding it was like poison to Jack, spearing it from the tips of lips with disgust.

"He loves his writing.... I think that's what he really wants to do." Jack gave Alice a look. She huffed, "Why don't you talk to him when he comes down?" Jack nodded, "I will. We'll have a good talk this time."

Roger sat in his car fumbling over the new pieces Mr. Gao had given him. A temporary of course that would triple his pay than before. Roger would have the money and more within the span of only a month- possibly a few weeks. Sipping his diner fresh coffee, Roger just couldn't help but gleam with pride in the way he sweet talked Mr. Gao into those pay raises. His desperation had subsided enough to realize taking an internship with Frank, only to pull the rug from under his feet once he received his price would be brash. Not to mention- another earful or worse from his father. Roger had already finished one of the pieces and even managed to productively halfway finish the Ellison piece. Marching inside with his portfolio under one arm and his cup of coffee in the other, he unlocked the front door much to the surprise of his parents who backs were turned to him, insisting he was upstairs groggily climbing out of the bed, bed-headedly moping into the kitchen.

"Morning,' His tone, full of pep and wish fullness. "Don't you 'good morning' us mister- you're still in hot water from last night. Roger took a deep breath, "I know.... and I'm really sorry about that- honest. I shouldn't have said what I said or slammed the door either." Alice perked up realizing it was Roger who shook her awake. A stern look grazed her face. Jack took a sip of his coffee, "We're just trying to look out for you Roger... that's all." Roger gave a tight-lipped smile and went back upstairs to his bedroom. Alice took in the back profile of her son and how much of a strikingly scary resemblance he bared to Jack. She turned to Jack and continued her breakfast. "Roger!"

"Yes?" "Did you want breakfast?" "No thanks, I ate at the diner!" Alice glanced to Jack before turning back to her plate. Jack stayed silent the rest of breakfast.

By dinner time, all of Roger's pieces were finished. To celebrate, he initiated going out for dinner with his parents for an unknowingly last time. Jack was dressed in his swish leisure suit- a tan color with a lavender undershirt and brown loafers. Alice donned a flamingo pink dress with white heels, accessorized in pastel white earrings and a pearl necklace and bracelet. The sides of her blonde strands were pinned to the back of her hair that she curled into tight bouncy spirals. Roger wore a gray dress shirt and black dockers- a black wrist watch. "Ready?" Roger called from the downstairs holding his wallet and counting the thick stack of twenties he would dish out for the meal. Taking himself over to the bar, ad pouring himself a glass of bourbon. Roger let the virile spirit ginger down his throat and burn through his ranging anxiousness. Sitting on the couch thinking of what he might tell his parents and announce at that dinner table was sure to engender a insinuated and wily uproar from Jack. And maybe even Alice. This sudden speech would sure bring more than just conventional dinner time conversation.

Jack was the first to emerge from the staircase, dressed dapper from head to toe. "Oh you look so nice Rog," Jack cooed, "You too Dad, love the tan suit." Jack smiled letting his dimples deckle his cheeks. The clicks of Alice's dainty heels soon echoed through the living room. "Beautiful!" Both Jack and Roger managed to say at the same time. Alice's cheeks blushed a harder pink than the blush that was already powdered on her cheeks. "So where are we going?"

Roger cleared his throat, "There's a restaurant called 'Black Jacket' and it's really fancy- it's by the river side and they serve gourmet dishes," Alice and Jack looked at each other, "Oh, Roger sweetheart, we don't have to go somewhere expensive like that- we can go somewhere where we don't have to spend that much money..." Roger chuckled, "I can afford it. Not to brag but- after sending in my pieces to Mr. Gao, let's just say I was paid a lot for them.... our dinner isn't even half of my paycheck." Jack's forehead grew slight crinkles. Roger glanced and straightened his slacked stature to upright, "Sorry Dad, I know you should never brag about money- I just- this is a very special occasion that I wanted to celebrate." Roger immediately wanted to swallow down his thoughts of sharing his special news with his parents. Peaceful and easygoing was the mood everyone was in- maybe tightening this secret for one more night wouldn't matter.

The three piled into Roger's car. Evening had this secrecy to it; a mystical view of black with the glow of streetlights and car lights streaming down the road. Black Jacket was well lit and the parking lot half empty only to be replaced with newer cars pulling into their spots. Roger's was among one of those cars. "Table for three," He stated to the hostess. "Of course," grabbing three menus, "right this way." Their table was tucked away in the corner; not too far from the rest of the public, not too close and elbowed up to them either. The waiter came over and let everyone request their desired meals. "Any alcohol for tonight?" Roger knew he wouldn't. He needed his senses to drive home. "No th-"

"No he's not." Jack's voice spoke louder, making Roger bit his lip. But.... he let it go. After all, he didn't expect much from the same man who instilled a curfew into him like he was still sixteen. He simply ordered a ginger ale instead. "So, what's on everyone's mind?" Alice suggested, "I wanna hear more about those pieces Roger..." Roger smiled, "Well, I had some trouble with the Ellison piece because of low inspiration at first... but I ended up coming up with a great idea with the help of Mr. Frank's lawnmower." His name rattled him. Jack couldn't hear the words: Frank, Roger and job, all curled into one sentence. He took a deep sip of his scotch. "Speaking of Frank, he still has that internship open if you're interested."

"About that," Roger started, "earlier today, I swung by your office if- you don't mind- and I explained everything to Frank, you know, about Seattle and my.... extra earnings with Mr. Gao. He was very nice about and he told me not to worry because Mr. Coldwell's son, Dennis, had filled the position." Jack stood quiet with this plastic smile on his face, "I wanted to let him know so he wouldn't think I was holding out on him or something." Jack wanted to smash his glass into a million pieces, shake Roger and scream and plead in his face: why was he changing everything? Why was he stomping on everything that meant so much to him? He kept silent until finally speaking, "That was.... very mature of you Roger." It was all he could squeeze out. Dinner was served and the conversation died down from hunger. Jack's mind kept picking over one thing: What was Roger planning? Extra pay from Mr. Gao? Extra earnings? Telling his boss to forget the internship? Maybe Jack had already figured it out. Maybe fall was too far away for such a big move. No, he needed now. He needed to get out from under his grasp and break free into the world of women and writing. That's all he needed.... no family, no parental guidance or love, just his booze, women and studies. Oh... and his big fat paycheck served on a silver platter of pharisaism.

Dinner was finished and Roger payed the check and tip. "That was a lovely dinner." Alice said, plating a kiss on Roger's cheek. "Thanks." Jack patted Roger's shoulder. "Thank you very much son." "You're welcome." Roger's sudden silence said more to Jack than he would've liked.

Stripping off his suit jacket, Jack's mind was silent. Silence. No sound or echo from the dinner table's words, silent from the clambering of the restaurant, and silent from the palpable grief that was swallowing Jack by the minutes. Alice noticed her husband's unspoken pester. "Jack?" Her voice sullen and circumspect, "did you enjoy your dinner at the restaurant?" Jack sucked in his lower lip and finally- able to face Alice's twinkling eyes. "He's leaving," a sigh escaped Jack. Alice scanned Jack with a slight in her brow, "What do you mean?" Jack sniffled, "Roger turned down the internship because he's leaving.... soon. Not in the fall like he promised but possibly this month..." Alice sighed and sat down on the bed, "We don't know that,"

"I do. I know him- he'd never do something like this unless he was planning on leaving!" "Shh! Jack quiet- he may be asleep. You have to calm down.... look, Roger already said that he got accepted into his university. So we can expect him to start making some arrangements Jack- the summer goes by fast and if he is..... then I think we should support him." Jack laid against the bed frame, exhaling an internal sigh. "Yeah.....I know we should..." Quietly coming over to Alice and laying his head on her lap. "Why don't we ask him about it tomorrow?" Alice suggested. Jack turned and looked into her eyes: lush, rich and calm like the summer sea. "Okay....yeah we should."

Roger was careful not to creek the hallway floor. Hearing every word of panic trail from his father's mouth sent a quiver down his back. A swirling sloppy gurgle to his stomach and a sweaty agitation of his forehead. Sitting on his bed, the same adrenaline pounded through him like it did at the party. An hysterical rush and an intoxicating fear. Breathing out faster than in, unbuttoning the neck of his collar, Roger was panting harder than a dog at a ball. His labored breaths seemed to be untamable and fetching. Rooting himself up from the bed and towards his desk- accidentally brushing things onto the floor but straddling over to the window where the air was clean and fresh eased him slowly back into a pace. A peaceful pace of steadiness. Could he have the conversation? Roger's tongue now dry from his open breaths came into focus from his bottled up flurry. Wiping his open mouth, Roger spent the next few minutes racking his brain to find reasons for such a sporadic flare. Staring into the pasty moon, Roger just stared at it. Boring hard into its hue and wondering what might be happening in those little twinkles. To Roger, they aligned perfectly to him. Shining high and bright against the gray of their moon and brazing next to it like diamonds to a ring. Losing himself in the night sky seemed to ease his stress, at least for the night.

Pulling his head from the window and picking up his scattered papers and pencils, one paper caught his eye: his acceptance letter of gratitude follow up from his first sealed acceptance letter from the college. Laying on the very top of the blank papers, Roger took a mental note to finish it tomorrow.

After he made his announcement of his moving out of the Chamber's family, that would take place the following Saturday.

Roger was sat at the kitchen table, sipping freshly brewed coffee that sauntered throughout the room. Alice was given a spook when she saw her young son had already started one part of her morning routine in the kitchen. "Thank you Roger!" Alice took a seat across from Roger and sipped her coffee with him. "What are your plans for today?" She asked, taking another sip from her coffee. Roger gazed into Alice's eyes for a minute with a little smirk layed across his face. "Well, I have to go to the library today but...." Alice listened closely, "I have a very important announcement to make to you and Dad." A warm path fuzzed against the nath of Alice's leg. A swollen gasp wanted to escape her now hollow throat but was clogged to deep inside. "Why don't you tell me first, sweetie."

Roger took a deep breath- eyes glancing at the table and then back to his mother. "Next Saturday.... I'm moving out." Flat. Simple. Just like that right in Alice's face. Was this payback for her comments that unintentionally shoved Roger into this glass box? 'He's your father and he loves you,' comments that put Roger on other end of the table. Now, here Alice was still mentally ricocheting from Roger's ploy. "Really?" Was all she could muster out. Roger nodded. "I decided that it would be for the best. After all, it makes more sense to get used to Seattle before I start college so then it won't be such a hassle or rush, you know?" Alice nodded, gave a small smile and took another sip from her coffee. The heavy footsteps of Jack startled her out of her thoughts once his head came into view. "Morning beautiful," pressing a kiss to Alice's cheek and another to Roger's. "Mmm, coffee smells good!" "Roger made it," Jack glanced over to Roger and pressed a smile to his face, "Taste delicious." Alice seemed to nudge Roger with her eyes. Roger swallowed harshly allowing a gulp to slither down his throat. "So... I have an announcement that I needed to make," A deep breath resonated in Roger, "as of next Saturday... I am moving to Seattle- I know I said the fall, but I figured an early start would help get me settled in by the time semester starts." It seemed to brush out of Roger in one big swoop. His voice ticking faster as he couldn't wait to anticipate the heat in his father's mind. The fragments of imagination that hung him internally would stab Roger with this blade of guilt and sorrow- like a shared telepathic of sub-conscience.

Jack sipped his coffee slowly before, compulsing a shattered graceful smile. "That's great Roger, I think that's very noble of you to be so responsible and plan ahead like that." It wasn't safe though... Roger could just sense, even just believe that inside Jack was something brewing that happened to be thicker than the coffee in the pot. It singed his back- a fuzz shot through him like a bullet at its target. Insecure in his aplomb, Roger just pressed a rehearsed smile together and stared back down at the newspaper that was flat against the table.

The afternoon seemed dim- contrasting the sun that beamed through every glass window of the living room. Alice- black handkerchief over her hair, floral apron and barefoot- sweeping the dust bunnies off the wooden stairs. Seemed so routine- she always cleaned after the boys leave to their salient jobs, brushing herself from one chore to another. Alice stopped in mid vacuum. Eyeing the next to spotless living room, she took a seat on the couch, undoing the ties of her apron. Silence vapored the room like a foggy mist in the dawn of morning. Alice resided herself eventually to a glass of gin. It seemed to slither down her hollow throat, filling her with the steak of courage- enough to strap on some heels and walk over to Bunny's. Their home- usually filled with the roars and playful screams of boys, now was quiet and unblemished of any scattered clothes of undone laundry or juice stains speckled across the rug. In fact, their home seemed to be more sterile than her own. A drab feeling vanished over Alice like a coat. Settling onto Bunny's couch, cigarette smoke whizzed past her sense but seemly little sniffs caught the tips of burning ash the more her cigarette burned through the paper on it. "So," Bunny took in a puff, "what's going on with you, girl? You haven't been calling lately and you've been pent up in your house for so long," Alice smirked, raising an eyebrow, "Too long." Bunny corrected.

Alice took in a breath, "Roger's moving to Seattle next Saturday," Bunny raised her eyebrows before letting them drop again, "Didn't he get accepted into that college- what was it... Seattle University?" Alice nodded, "so why is he going now when it's starts in the fall?" Alice bit her lip. A course of options shopped through her head: Better adjustment, Jack, wanted to adapt better to the city, more space and time for his studies...... Jack.

"Jack." Bunny took in another puff from her cigarette. "I thought so..." Alice furrowed her eyebrows, "What?" Bunny shook her head with a smile, "Jack has always been overprotective, Alice. The second you told me that Roger was moving out- even if it was in a few months- Jack, knowing him, would have had a problem..... I take that he's not adjusting well to the sudden change of plans now, is he?" Alice shook her head, fighting back the tears that so gravely wanted to spill from her eyes. "H-He only said it this morning, so.... Jack didn't really get a chance to express anything. He went off to work shortly after Roger left." Bunny scooted closer to Alice, wrapped her arm around her and and buried her cigarette into the ashtray. Pulling Alice close into her shoulder, Alice sobbed. It sat like this for a few minutes. "I don't know what to do Bunny.... my family's falling apart and I can't fix it."

Bunny just held Alice. She Alice cry out the last month worth of tears into her bare shoulder.

Nighttime was for solitude. Alice sat shipwrecked at the kitchen nook alone after spending the next few hours trying to sober up from one too many martinis at Bunny's. The jiggle of keys stood outside the door until Roger came stumbling inside, one arm holding tightly his portfolio and his books of Seattle and assignments from work all pressed together for dear life in his left arm. The other had a huge plastic bag with 'Bamboo Garden' inscribed on it. "Hey mom," Roger planted a quick kiss to his mother's cheek, "I brought back Chinese for dinner. I figured.... you were really tired and it would be a nice treat." Alice gave a small tired smile, "Thank you baby." her voice so coy and mellow, that a pat on the back was given to Roger. He knew it- maybe not physically, but sub-consciencely, Alice was going to exhausted one way or another.

Soon dinner went from being one hour missed to three hours. At midnight, and only then did Jack come stumbling though the door, the smell of whiskey fresh on his breath. A slight irritation turned into a tidal wave of fury. "Jack!" Alice stormed over and grabbed her fuddled husband by his shirt. Never in her life had she been that angry. Only on two separate occasions did she even come close: a very bad April fool's prank- Jack putting green hair dye into her shampoo and one very racist man at a supermarket store in Napa while the family vacationed there a few years earlier. Jack and Alice were both consumed with silent rage as the man yelled and insulted a worker. "Don't listen to that man," said Jack, "he's very ignorant and mean." He explained to his young-ins.

Alice sat her husband down and sent a sharp glare his way. "Jack.... how could- you were late and..... why?! Just why?! Why would you get drunk?!" Jack shushed Alice. "I don't know..." his face became this peachy color- flushed and self- aware of his mistake. He took a deep breath. "I couldn't help it.... I was just so upset. I needed this Alice. I needed to lose a little bit of the pain." He shook his head, "It's just not fair." Alice looked down, sat up from the chair and walked over to the stairs. She stopped for one minute, "Your dinner's in the fridge. Roger brought back Chinese." And with that, she went upstairs for the night leaving Jack alone in the living room.

Roger sat in his bedroom, planning every little detail of his move out carefully: Visit Seattle to secure the apartment he wants, hire moving men and secure the job he hoped to get. Every detail was scrutinized like a heist. Roger wanted to play his cards perfectly as not to miss a beat, not to plunge hard into nothing. Roger didn't want to take the risk of climbing so high up the mountain only to plummet onto the hard pavement. It would be a slap in the face to his success, a godawfuldeathto his dreams and an 'I told you so' from his father. Not literally, but metaphorically in some way. Satisfaction would simmer across Jack's face if he ever told him that he had failed. Jack would spit out: "Oh, you'll do better next time, son," or "Well, it wasn't worth it anyway.... you'll do fine staying here with good ol' mom and pop." Roger sighed before pock marking his first stop in his journey.

Visiting Seattle would be his first stretch. Roger glanced to the clock. 2:25 am. He grabbed his car keys and snuck downstairs, careful not to wake his parents. Getting into his car and driving down to the airport. Inside the building was filled with noise and chatter of what seemed to be everybody. He felt so small in that moment. His tall frame was now trifling against the airport traffic. Roger took one step forward towards the desk. The woman was pretty. Red streaks ran through her hair like lightning flashes the more they shimmered in the burning lights of the airport. She could only be a few years older- possibly only three. "Hello sir, can I help you?" Roger smiled, "Yes. Is there any planes shipping out to Seattle later today?" The receptionist looked at her computer, "Yes actually. There's one for 7 in the morning. Would you like a ticket?"

"Yes please." "That'll be 123 dollars." Roger handed the lady the money. He paused, "Is there a plane for Settle shipping out next Saturday?" The receptionist typed her computer again, "Yes. It's for 11 o'clock in the morning and another for 5 in the evening." Roger smiled. That's what he wanted to hear. "I'll take that one for 11 in the morning."

"123 dollars please." Roger handed the lady another portion of the money. "Thank you sir, will that be all for you today?" Roger smiled. "Yes, thank you very much." He winked, "Have a nice day." The receptionist blushed. Roger had a certain something about the chisels in his green eyes. He walked off with two tickets to Seattle. One for 7 in the morning and another for Saturday. Roger came back to his home- packed a small suitcase of clothes and documents, money and his passport. He set his alarm for 5 in the morning, placed his suitcase beside his bed and let himself drift to sleep, still in his mundane clothes. There was no time to waste.

Blinking beeps of Roger's alarm sounded through the treacly dream of his Rita Hayworth picture play; her on top of him and the both of them passionately loving their bodies against the wisp of the spring air. Roger shot up, rubbing his eyes and wiping the tap line of dry drool crust from the corner of his mouth. Sweeping into the bathroom and washing his face, combing his hair and brushing his teeth, Roger grabbed his suitcase and pulled it to his side. Writing practical scribbles down in the form of words to leave on the fridge if his parents were to question his whereabouts.

Business meeting in San Fresno, be there all day and possibly all night. Don't wait up for me.

Love you both,

Roger

Roger called for a taxi service that showed up a only a block away from his home. "San Deigo airport, please." The driver complied, driving to the destination in silence. To Roger, maybe the driver was thinking he was a busy business man. His black dockers and dress shirts seemed to be all he wore these days, especially at the office. Or maybe someone who was on the run- trying hard to distance themselves from the south side of California. Roger hadn't said two words to the guy except, "thank you" and "have a nice day." Grabbing his suitcase, Roger stormed the airport- checking in, going through airline security, finding his gate and then hopping onto the his plane. A one and a half hour flight at best, Roger cozied into his seat with a good book and let the feel of the air take his as his plane took off.

It was the needle tower that captured his attention first. Seattle space needle. It stood on top of Seattle like a lookout tower. Throngs of tall skyscrapers stood everywhere. The plane hovered over them like the clouds in the sky. Roger would squint and try to point out his future apartment. The top tiers of the one of the skyscrapers or the bottom and middle ones, sandwiched between one level and another. The plane landed and soon, Roger found his way around the city. Checking into Hilton Seattle hotel. Downtown, crowded and brisk like a laxed New York City. Roger's only comparison was of Jack's vibrant tales from when he lived in New York. From the moment he settled off the plane, the air seemed muskier- like tar on the rooftops of the city were melting in and sighing their fumes off for the Seattle to smell. It excited Roger, maybe more than it should've. "Rom 307, Mr. Chambers." The receptionist handed the key into Roger's hands. Flashing her a sweet grin, Roger trollied into the elevator with another man- a few years older than him, reading the newspaper. Roger pressed button 8, his floor.

Ding!

Roger walked onto the colorful carpet- a swirl pattern that seemed to lead him to his room. Opening the door, Roger walked in, taking a fresh breath in through his lungs and letting it saunter inside his memory. The thick smell of sterile hotel sheets and freshly steamed carpet was tattooed into his brain. The airy breathtaking view of the city from his picture window was only something Roger hoped it would be in his new home. A high rise with a stalking view of the clouds and the foreheads of the skyscrapers. Office workers would be little ants and cars would be like the toy ones Roger played with as a child. He stacked his suitcase against the sheets- unpacking his clothing and loading them into the dressers. Roger sat quietly on the bed for a moment before shooting glances towards the phone by his bed. Grabbing it off the base, finger hovering over the numbers, Roger then slammed the phone back down onto the base. International calls were an expense Roger wasn't about to afford. Money was one thing, but a number tracking him to a whole other state was another. A business meeting in Fresno should be enough for Jack and Alice to swallow this time.

Grabbing his jacket, Roger left his hotel and snatched a taxi down to Seattle University.

A tall soaring brick building became a castle to Roger. It was only June, but still the scene of his trailing up the little pathway, through the main doors leading to the corridors of the school flashed in front of his eyes like a picture book. Scanning the campus and its lush carpet of cut grass and those little beads of little daisies perking up from the ground. Summer's skin gave the yard an extra glow; shadowing it into an image of promise for Roger. Whether the trees were painted in orange and red or the sky was now drab with gray and white baked in, the scene playing in front of Roger- checkered wind swaying the little hairs of grass and humming a summer rhythm snickering in whispers of the sky- was set in stone for Roger. Basking in his future, ripping the jean jacket off his body and dancing in the way of the grass in the open field. His sneakers grazed against the stems of the very dirt and his hands fluttering free in the way of the uranas sky.

Roger picked his jacket off the grass and ran back to the street. A spark prided in him- speeding him to want more. Flinging himself onto a bus, Roger asked around different newspapers asking for two things: a job for hire and an apartment for rent.

Templeton Road- a newly emptied out apartment on the 25th floor of the Winchester building. Barxton Ave, The Tribune- a high end Seattle magazine cover, that is became in raring in needing a skilled journalist writer to cover certain taboo and interesting content. The salary would be higher than all of the overtime Mr. Gao could offer Roger in his whole career. Roger managed to set up an interview with Mr. Doyle. Beads of sweat dampened his face as he eagerly anticipated Mr. Doyle's response after scanning through a resume he had faxed over. Mr. Doyle scanned Roger up and down with a stern expression. But then belted out a haughty chuckle. "I'm just kidding son! I'm never this uptight with my staff..... it's because I barely work myself so I get to enjoy a random scotch every now and then." Roger eased up, "You want the job?" Roger nodded, kicking himself to speak, "Yes." Mr. Doyle smiled, "It's yours then- welcome to The Tribune." A breath escaped Roger's lungs, "Thank you so much Mr. Doyle-"

"Please, call me Tim." A dimpled smile cascaded onto Roger's face. Mirror his fathers when he received his first credital job- the job he's been working ever since he was twenty seven. "When can you start?" Roger paused. Looking Mr. Doyle in the eyes, "I live in California as of this week. Next Saturday- I move to Seattle because of University. But... if you want- I can one hundred percent do whatever you would like me to do." Maybe Mr. Doyle saw determination bubbling in his eyes. He thought for a minute, "I'll tell you what.... don't worry about it. I can hold out for another week... I won't be too easy on ya though- come no later than Sunday at best, you understand?" Roger nodded, "Yes." Mr. Doyle smiled, "I like you Roger... I think you'll be a wonderful asset to the company." "Thank you, Mr. Doyle.... I won't let you down." Roger grabbed his resume and satchel before departing the office with a new job.

Flying down to Templeton, Roger called the number and waited for the woman to arrive. "Hello Sir," A middle aged woman with a red pixie cut introduced herself before unlocking the front door. The smell of a homely oak themed what would be the living room. Spacious and cozy- a wide area for a couch and television, a middle sized kitchen and small dining area and three bedrooms- master bedroom for Roger and the smaller bedroom for his office- an extra bedroom for guests if he pleased. The master-bedroom had its own bathroom and the second bathroom was around the corner from the rooms. It was perfect. Just perfect. "It's a rental, but you can paint the walls to your style, it is pet friendly- just make sure to update the owner if you are to have a pet and of course, no loud parties or disturbances to disturb the other residents, trash days are always Thursdays and...." the woman turned to him, 'that's pretty much all there is."

"How much is it every month?" "343 for rent every month, 100 for electric, 150 for water, 167 for heating and gas is complimentary of the building." That was less than Roger thought he had to pay. With his new salary, paying his bills would be a piece of cake. He smiled and nodded, "I'll take it." The woman smiled, "Great! How soon can you move in?"

"Right away... this Saturday." Roger spent the afternoon signing papers, getting the most important papers of his life faxed over. "Alright Mr. Chambers, you're all set," the woman reached into her pocket, "here are the house keys. If they ever get lost or stolen just inform the landlord and he'll have the locks changed. It was nice handling business with you Roger."

"You too, Ms. Vera." Staring at the keys in his hand, Roger couldn't believe his fate. Soaking in the feels of his new home was a feeling that was beyond describable. Ms. Vera had long gone, but the linger of Roger's presence soaked through. His eyes scanned through every corner where his future coffee table would be, his small couch, his rocker chair, the rug that would be slid underneath it all, the hanging utensils on the rack on the wall of the kitchen, the cookbook in one of the drawers for those nights where he would be extravagant and the full size bed hidden away in the cozy corner of the bedroom where Roger would swish away in the sheets, laced in solitude of quiet after a long night at the office. His future was here. San Deigo never existed for Roger anymore- Seattle was Roger's future, his present and his anticipation. Staring out the window of the city apartment; cars dashing beneath him, the space needle tower glowering in the distance touching the nips of the sun's glow, staring into the eyes of the clouds the way Roger dreamed. His imagined home was everything that Roger saw in his dreams.

Shoving the keys into his pocket, Roger quietly closed the door of his apartment, locking it up before finding a taxi to take him back to his hotel. He stayed the night, flopping his body onto his bed after packing his new apartment keys into his suitcase. Taking in the last breath of Seattle before hitting the pillow was just what Roger needed. His brain flickered over every detail of today. His eyes drooped until black hit, sealing in his promise of today.

The next morning after a short flight back to San Deigo, Roger pulled up a block away from his home in a taxi. A adrenaline ping shot through him like electric. Roger ran to his home, unlocking the door with his key. "Good morning everyone," Jack turned to see the young man swoop into the kitchen. He noticed his suitcase in his right grasp. A sick feeling ran through Jack quicker than light, "Hello Rogie," Jack got up and pressed a tight hug to Roger's body and a cheek kiss, "I missed you." A saccharine mellow in Jack's voice; childhood memories of the same soft tone when ever the end of a bedtime story came or when he was asked if he wanted a warm glass of milk with cookies before bed. But guilt couldn't ring through him now.... not in this moment. Roger allowed himself to pull away softly with a sweet smile etched across his face.

Alice pressed a kiss to Roger's cheek before serving him square shaped waffles. Breakfast ached Roger's stomach... so long without eating that much, that the fruit bowl and the honeyed smell of maple syrup and butter melted into him more than it should've. "Let me go unpack and I'll tell you how the trip went." Jack stared as Roger traveled up the stairs. Maybe Roger felt the eyes boring into him as he cabled through trying to be as secretive as he could. Locking his bedroom door like a prisoner trying to plot his escape. Opening his suitcase, taking out his neatly portfolio documents and his new apartment keys. Two silver keys looped around an oak colored ring with a brown leather key fob. He hid them away in a small box in his closet with his documents. Roger had already paid his first two months rent of the apartment so it wouldn't distract his focus of moving and settling everything into his new place. A knock on the door broke his attention. Spinning around to a jiggling door knob, Jack's knuckles brashing against the door were like thunder claps to Roger.

"Hey," Roger opened the door a little, "Hey bud," A smile grew onto Jack's face. Jack was invited in- scanning the room of Roger's nick-nacks. A open suitcase full of clothes that sprawled themselves out on top of the bed. Roger shifted from one side of Jack to another- nipping the edges of his body with the fragments of his clothes. "I'll unpack after breakfast," his eyes looked right into Jack's in that moment. Jack sensed something about Roger. Something changed him. The in a quandary young boy he saw last night was not the same one that walked into the home this morning; young but fresh with this intimidating piercing stare of nerve. A nerve that was only backed up with fact.... a nerve that Jack had shouldered onto David when he had settled in plans to stay at his own place. The same cockiness Jack gave his parents was repeating itself right in front of him. Maybe he had just lost track of how grown Roger had now become.... but this was a stinging reminder of that- an unforgiving spit of being unneeded.... unwanted.

"Breakfast?" Jack snapped out of his pity. Eyeing Roger before smiling and walking behind him out of the bedroom before shouldering one last glance to the suitcase sprawled across Roger's bed. What could be in there? His mind traced.

After breakfast, Roger had spent the morning gathering big moving boxes and bags for his move. Alice questioned it once she saw a small sliver of a moving company's brand on the bag. "I found a place." Roger said suddenly. At least, to Alice he did. "You have?" He nodded, face barely able to contain a smirk. "A nice high rise in Seattle city," Roger refrained from spilling about his new job. Maybe that was the last thing he should say, "I went out and found one yesterday.... it's an hour flight so it wasn't out of the way or anything." Alice nodded. Roger was making his way to the room before being stopped, "What about your job?" a husky voice pecked through like a needle prick to the skin. Turning and finding his father standing at the bottom of the stairs. "I found one up there too,"

"What is it?" "A journalism job... I work for the Tribune." He bit his tongue once he realized the words that fell from his mouth. "The Tribune?" Roger nodded, "One of the most elite magazine companines in the country?" Roger nodded again slowly. "They offered you the job?" Alice nudged Jack, shooting him a glare. "Yes. My boss Mr. Doyle said they were looking for a skilled writer who had no trouble reporting taboo and creative facts." A piece of Jack's chipped. Like a rotten tooth. Maybe it was the hope of Roger wanting to be here even just somewhat, maybe it was hope Jack kept of Roger not being able to have things fall into his lap and just lap up the idea that home would be the easier of two paths. But no. Roger, secured himself a high end job that he didn't even realize to be such a merit.

Roger smiled. "I'll be fine, promise." He shuttled up to his bedroom. He turned on the radio- Rocket Man blared enough to daze him into a deep concentration. Grabbing permanent marker and labeling everything from big to small that he wanted cram into those boxes. Books, arts and crafts, clothes, accessories, nick-nacks and whatever else Roger found useful enough to take with him. By the evening, half of Roger's items were packed away. The little box in the closet with his documents were still hidden away in the closet. Those were meant to be packed in his suitcase, not his moving boxes. Phone calls to moving companies were made and scheduled for Saturday and his plane ticket was stored along with the house keys in the little box, underneath the documents.

Only thing left was his bare mattress, one pillow, a little quilt and the too big to carry items: bed, dressers, desk, chair and nightstands. Roger grabbed his jacket and car keys. Mac and Rod needed to meet him at pub. Taking one last look around, Roger smiled to himself at all his hard work and progress. A sure thing would always come through.

Jack was moped over on the couch, slugging down one beer after the other. A photo album layed next to him, scrapping against his thigh. Opened to reveal a baby Roger, suckling his thumb while Jack held him in his lap. A baby Roger, only a few hours he was born, wrapped in this blue receiving blanket, hat poised over his little head that was knitted from Alice only a few months before he arrived. Jack face hovered beside him with the widest, tiredest smile he ever wore. Another revealed Jack pressing a kiss to a sleepy toddler Roger's rosy cheek after a night in the emergency room when Roger had hurt his toe a little too hard. He was there for all of it. Every boo-booo, every goodnight kiss, every bad dream, first steps, first word, first breath..... the day Alice even told him she was pregnant again. Then the day he was born after a few pushes and few surprise squeezes from Alice's hand clinging to his. A shrill sweet cry immersed from the little baby born into the vibrancy of the summertime.

That day seemed perfect. His little baby- firstborn son was fresh in his arms wrapped in a cooling blanket to soothe his new cries sprouting from new vocal cords. So new, so perfect. It brought tears to Jack's eyes. Cradling the little boy in his arms and just letting his heart pour out his most devoted affection for the little baby. Jack took another swig from the bottle. His mind faded out of the delivery room and into the living room. Dull and drab. A faint memory snuck up behind him like a ghost in the shadows. A stunning shrine of him and David. A walk in the park turned into a instigated argument from David, leaving him to walk home four miles alone in the pouring rain- without a jacket. Waking up with a bad flu the next morning, David practically shoved Jack out the door of the house and made him walk to school with a flimsy sweat jacket in 19 degree weather. Jack could remember the cold sweat beating from his forehead as every step he took seemed longer and longer. Jack could recall one particular boring morning in class where all he fretted over was how many cigar burns the children could count on his legs and arms. Long sleeves even in scorching weather was something Jack accustomed himself to. Even in present day, Alice would question Jack wearing sweaters in eighty degree weather. Self- conscience, Jack would wear a t-shirt instead- even if he felt exposed.

His eyes glanced to the clock, only a little after eleven. He stared back at the black Tv screen before taking one last swig and calling it a night.

"To Roger and Seattle!" The three friends held their drinks up before taking big gulps of their beers. "So, you finally scored the job in the big city," Rod said. "Yep," Roger popped, "I didn't even know it was so elite until my dad said that it was one of the biggest magazine covers in the country!" Mick and Rod let out a haughty laugh, "You really got em now Rog!" Mick shook his head with a prideful smile, "Ya know, I never thought you would the 'poetic' type and be so in to writing and books- you were never interested in school and.... I don't know. I guess it just reminds you how much things change, I guess?" Roger nodded, "I never thought I would love writing either. But I guess my passion was just a waiting call for me." A sniffle sounded. Roger looked up and realized his vision was blurry. "Ha, don't start getting emotional on me now." He laughed. "You're the only one 'sweating through their eyes' dude." Rod said. Roger sucked in his bottom lip. He sniffled. "I-I'm gonna miss you guys... a lot." Roger took another sip of his beer, "Is it gay to say I love you guys?" The three laughed. Mick shook his head, "No. No.... we love you to buddy."

Rod held up his beer, "To Roger and new opportunities!" The boys clinked their beers one last time, leaving Roger to soak in the essence of their friendship.

Leaving the pub, Roger couldn't help but drive around the city one last time- gawking through the town, admiring all its glow of the night. Downtown seemed so big and huge. Roger parked his car along the curb and stepped out for a walk. The night's chilly air was a refreshing breeze, sweeping back the strainds of brown from Roger's face like a fan. Peeking around at the late night coffee shops and the small little cafes took Roger down a memory lane of family night outs and little mommy and baby and daddy and baby dates he would have with either Jack or Alice. Sometimes, him and Susan would stroll together and get ice cream before returning home after a long school day. The streets seemed so empty and light. Cars were parked alongside the road and business were turning their lights off for the night. The last walk through the city of San Deigo was a flourish for Roger. A nostalgia of sweet memories and wonders. But one thought pecked at his brain- Susan. The one girl in his life who he couldn't miss goodbye to.

Running into his car, Roger took the forepass down to Pasadena. Knowing Susan, she would be up in nightgown, watching late night soap operas and eating a bowl or carton of chocolate ice cream or cake- any type of chocolate dessert. Her casa styled condo had its little porch light on. The second story was lit up with a living room light brimming even under the shades of the blinds that hung over the window. Roger knocked on the door, listening to small footsteps walking up to the door. "Roger?" He smiled. It felt like a million years since he had seen the blonde beauty's face. Her perky green eyes with the same cat eye as their mother, only... more...youthful. "Susan!" He pulled his big sister into a hug that he never wanted to free himself from. "I missed you so much!" Susan's hug was tighter, "Me too! Oh Roger, I wanted to come visit you, but I was so busy with college and then my work.... I missed you so much!" Roger didn't even realize a tear had dropped against the nath of Susan's back. Maybe because her presance was a breath of fresh air from the tension at home. Susan finally pulled away, "What brings you here so late?" As Susan guided Roger into the home, Roger sighed. "I got accepted into Seattle University,"

"Oh my god, I'm so happy for you!" Roger smiled, "So that means this Saturday I'm moving to Seattle." Susan furrowed her eyebrows, "I thought school doesn't start until fall?" "It doesn't.... but I found a job there and an apartment and so... I've decided to move there this week. I'm so excited but... I wanted to come over and say goodbye. I couldn't miss seeing you." Susan let a small smile cross over her face, "I'll miss you so much, baby brother," She sniffled, "I don't want you to go." She flung herself around his body. "You're so little!" She cried. Roger giggled, but allowed Susan to wail into his body. "How are mom and dad taking it?" His body stiffened. "Well, Mom's doing okay.... Dad... not so well." Susan pulled away, "I mean- he hasn't outwordly been discouraging, but I can sense his upset. I shudder to think how things are going to go down when it's time for me to leave. Hopefully, dad won't be clinging to my legs and will allow himself to drag out the door." Susan laughed, "I don't know Roger he might!" The siblings shared their laughter, "I needed this Susan... I had to tell you. You'll be the first person I invite up to Seattle." He smiled. The two shared a goodbye hug and kissed each other's cheeks before Roger departed. "Goodbye Susan, take care, okay?"

She smiled, "You too."

Saturday was here.

Roger's suitcase was unveiled on the snowy white bare mattress. He stuffed the remainders of himself into the first case. Jack couldn't help but stand by and watch as his green corduroys folded into the case, then his cargos with two extra pockets, his 5 blue jeans; stonewashed, indigo warm denim, cool denims and his peacock ripped ones that Jack protested everytime Roger would step out with them. "They look like you've been in a fight." Roger rebuffed and walked around town with them anyway. Jack skirted around the corner, closing his eyes to hear the click of the clasp of the suitcase. He could taste the metallic in his mouth, his fingers curling into his palms leaving small welts of his fingernails imprinted in them. Roger’s last item was the little box; documents, apartment keys and his plane ticket.

Jack's legs were frozen, weak and vacant. Like the muscles that once filled his body were dead. Lifeless. But Jack was desperate; despite to charge straight into Roger's room, wrap him into his grasp and hold onto him and never having to let go. The base of Roger's footsteps sent shivers through his blood. The creaks of bedroom floor, the movements of his motions; Jack could tell Roger's little skips, his deep in thought steps that were filled with anticipating silence, the screeches of his sneakers scatting around the hardwood floor. He swallowed, scratched his head and rubbed his fingers in his hand.

Roger was consumed with packing everything that brought life to his bedroom. Posters, clothes, his radio decorated in small stickers, the blue lamp shade that hung so effortlessly over the bulb. The baby blue walls turned sky blue from a painting adventure Jack used as an opportunity to bond with Roger. He smiled fondly recalling the walls being coated in one of Roger's favorite colors, Jack swiping paint onto Roger's face, and vise versa. The walls were empty and deceased. Outlandish posters and pictures, the colorful blue and green checkered quilt, the grainy dark maple desk were gone. The room that hued the glow of the Chambers's youngest child was now of a ghost. Roger would be gone and everything that would piece him to who he was would just haunt the house like the swish of curtain on a cool winter day.

"So, this is it?" Jack poked his body through the door. Roger, still shuffling nips of items from his possessions, eyes were still cemented to his suitcase. "Yep," he popped the p; rolling off his tongue like this was a casual goodbye, like the significance meant nothing or simply didn't exist. It was too easy for him to shut the latch to his suitcase and turn around with this cocky smile. Sure, he planned this, prepared for this, spent money, saved money and set his sights to tall skyscrapers, subways, packed streets and corners contradicting the sleepy equable suburban neighborhoods he knew all too well. Roger would ride his bike around the corners as a child, spotting the stacks of houses behind his own from his bedroom window, the way they reminded him of dollhouses; perfect and prim without one blemish. Then there was the cul-de-sac that he had to learn to drive in tune with once he bought his first car; an electric blue Chevy that would always sit in the garage with Jack's, Alice's and Susan's. Their cars, even they shouted experience; Jack's was so nicely polished in a rich coat of green, Alice's was clean and detailed, no mugginess or scratch to be displayed. Susan's red cherry one was new yet carefully parked. Coddled and sealed with safety nets that Jack had passed down to her. In the little row of cars: Jack's, Alice's and Susan's, it was accepted. Her little red Ashton Martin sat alongside the adults just like their childhood. Susan was mature, Roger was not.

Roger had to work hard for the car; Jack in his ear, pounding on and on about safety and car accidents and kids he knew from school and seeing their dead mangled bodies show up on the drunk driving safety video. Susan bared some of the lectures but was thought less likely to encounter something of such notions that her lessons were encouraged. So there sat Roger's blue Chevy, alone, tires twisted, steering wheel curved and spaced, no, distanced apart from the others. And there he was, distanced apart from his family. Susan's departure left a jagged mark in the household that rang loudly, yet was being tuned out. The rubber band was stretching...stretching its limit, about to snap at any any second. But Roger still kept his hands pressed tightly onto the counter of the suitcase. Holding it like it would be snatched from him at any second. And it maybe it would be.... Jack was getting desperate. Roger's eyes locked firmly on his, not shaking off any trace of stubbornness that riveted like waves into Jack's brain.

"So, Seattle seems like a nice place. I researched it in the library and...it looks promising." Jack bit his tongue; carefully constructing his words to hide the nauseating moldy taste in his mouth. His stomach kept heaving like a boat during a storm. The feeling of drowning seemed all too real now, like there was no escape. Jack would drown...he would drown because he knew too much. He knew what Roger was leaving, he knew why he was leaving....he knew he was the reason. He couldn't paddle this one out, he couldn't sweet talk or spat himself out of this. He would need to feel it...feel this one through and so would Roger, so would Alice and Susan once she would receive the news.

Roger pinched his lips into this tight smile like it held venom that he was trying hard to control, to keep it from spilling all over himself and Jack. His eyes were squinted but not from a smile, from bitterness. He could see Jack through the glass. Roger pressed harder into his suitcase, leaving welts of his fingernails, peeling off the leather to reveal this beige thin Velcro that hid underneath it.

"Yeah. It's so futuristic, a modern city. College is gonna be wild." Roger slapped himself at his attempt to lighten things up. Jack's mouth opened a little, before shutting it. Jack pursed his lips. Could he let this moment slip like water running down the shutter of the garage, and then dripping into the ground to its death. Roger seemed further away the more he would look into his eyes. Roger was already gone, his body shifted to the door and the small talk only kept the distance between them solid and icy; mastering skating over it to cross to each other. "Roger," Jack spoke finally allowing the cramped air to wither into to breeze. "I'm just curious....why so far away?" The simplicity of the question sent bass through the room. Roger looked down then up again, "I like Seattle. It's a nice place with great opportunities....ones that I would like to try out."

Jack could swear it was like a recorder playing back the same excuse he used on his father when his bags were ready for the big city. Time's Square seemed more exciting than anywhere with his parents. Jack could remember his father snatching a swig for courage and for rawness. No emotions to defeat him as he hustled a weak hug for Jack. No warmth of safety of it. Just broken and done. His regret rang loud through Jack's old bedroom, but there was nothing to back it up.

Roger could at least remember the warm feeling of his father's hugs. To him, it was warmer than hot cocoa on a cold winters day of a fireplace in the thick of the evening brewing as you curled up into your coziest chair and read from a good book or watched your Friday cartoons after a long shift at the workplace or rough day at school. The relaxation hit you once you realize that it won't exist again until after the weekend which seemed miles away. Baby Roger would perch his head up for a second before falling back down to Jack's chest and listening to the padam of his heartbeat. Jack's head would perch up to, following sync with Roger to ponder what would capture the baby's attention before dismissing it to just to nuzzle his lips to the skin of his scalp. Roger would still smile recalling that particular cold autumn day one Wednesday; his mother was out of town and Jack was there at the house, waiting for Susan and Roger. Mugs of milky hot cocoa, soft oven cookies and their favorite cartoons played throughout the evening. Roger was no more than five years old at the time so he didn't hesitate to reach his arms up for a greeting hug from Jack who happily scooped him up in his arms and held him close, allowing his chocolate strands to sweep across his face along with the warmth of Roger's forehead rubbing against his chin. Roger was pacified by the lulling wisps of whistles from Jack's cooing breathes.

Those cold rainy murky damp days disappeared, the roars of exacting teachers faded and little nips of uneasy and anxiety merely seized to exist. All wrapped up in the coat of Jack's arms like a nest holding little fragile eggs. A safe place he would call, Jack was the one to stand by Roger; holding his hand in the wake of fear, hugging him in the distress of gloom and holding him in the wave of tiredness. When no could see the little head bobbing after Susan, Jack did. He could make out his little frame in a crowd of millions, pushing and shoving past anyone standing in between them.

Jack could remember pacing the floor of the emergency room, wearing the rubber from his shoes into the the sterile tile floor. "Jack sit down, he'll be fine." Alice insisted, "I should've never turned my back- Roger told me he wasn't feeling good and now he's in critical condition! His appendix probably burst by now... it's all my fault!" Alice slid her hand to her husband's back. Jack's lips were blue and purple from sucking and biting them so hard, his skin pale and clammy like he'd been struck with a monstrous case of the flu.

"He's out of surgery. Everything went well, he's recovering right now." Jack ran through the thick salvo of patients, doctors and nurses and into Roger's room. He was sleeping, eyes droopy and weak. Jack donned the same look from an exhausting bubble of panic and somberness. Jack sat next to Roger, intertwining his hand into his; carefully kissing the flesh of his skin despite the swollenness of his bruised lips and rubbing his thumb soft yet aggressively, carefully missing the stem of the IV drip. His eyes rang with sympathy watching Roger slowly calculate the little patterns of specks spotted all over the wall. His eyes would dart from Jack to Alice and then to his hand that was curled and bundled into Jack's. "Is it over?" Alice gave a ticklish rub to the fringe of Roger's cheek. "Yes, darling." She sat on the other side of him, "It's over."

Roger stood by his suitcase, scanning his father's face for any sign of anger or sadness. Maybe the slight wrinkle in between his eyebrows, or the the fish flat tight lips that he kept as poker face for any twinkling agitation that would selfishly bubble to the surface. Jack's eyes just stood frozen on the suitcase. Roger was right, maybe Jack was getting desperate. Suddenly his heartbeat sped up- he clutched the suitcase tighter, turning around sharply to grab the handle.

Jack bit his lip, watching Roger grip the handle and start towards the door. "You don't have to leave rog... we'll take care of you," Roger shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak, but bit his tongue and kept walking; creeking the floor as he took shallow steps down through the stairs. "I can take of myself," he finally replied. Jack cleared his throat, glancing towards Alice for an approving response. "Roger, you're only twenty two, please, I couldn't even do that when I was-"

"Dad, I'm leaving! I have to go my plane leaves in an hour." Roger looked to his mother before coupling her into one last hug. He kissed her cheek and allowed her to softly melt into his arms, letting soft sobs drip on to his jacket. "I love you, baby." Alice sniffled, pecking his face all over with goodbye kisses. "Please, be safe and take care of yourself." She straightened the smudge of his jacket before sending him off to the door. Roger side eyed

Jack before leaving.... like he knew Jack would follow.

"Roger!" Jack stormed towards Roger's Chevy, interrupting his packing of boxes into the backseat and trunk of the car. "I'm not going to hold it back anymore this time, you are too young to just run away from home like this! You'll be just fine here at home!"

"It's not personal, it's just my decision." Jack scoffed. "It's not personal, of course! Nothing is personal to you, you don't care at all about my feelings or concerns! You just whisk yourself away from everyone who did anything for you and act like it shouldn't mean anything when it does!"

"Well, it shouldn't mean that much for you to just almost try and sabotage my plans! You didn't even have enough respect to listen to what I had to say and tried to bury me beneath you just for some power trip!" Roger but his lip, curating his next words, "You must have known how that would've made me feel, for someone who claims to be so sensitive to the entire thing!"

"So is that where your power comes from? Running away from your problems?" Jack shot back, punctuating a smart aleck tone. He felt like a teenager, sifting back to his father who used the same nasty tone every time he needed that reassuring second wind.

"I'm am so sorry that you're so offended by your own kid's success! You-",

Roger slammed the trunk of his car down, "I was not put on this earth to be your safety net or guardian angel! I'm sorry that you had such a crappy childhood, I'm sorry your dad was an absolute jackass, I'm sorry that every time you look at me, it makes you crawl in your skin to see that I am my own person! I can make my own decisions and that I don't need you to be the man I want to be. I don't need you to see me as that, because I am just that, whether you want that or not! You expect me to sympathize with you when you: want me to not go to the store without you, not want me to drink too much coffee, not want me to go out of state to another city and live my life there, when really that's what it is! My life. My life! And you don't get to take that away from me because you decided to put your insecurities before your own child! No, it's not a dad thing, it's a Jack Chambers thing and it was a selfish thing to do! All my life, I had to put up with that, and maybe that's why I stayed as long as I did, because I wanted to observe if maybe there was some truth to that. But no. These were your choices and at the end, you did exactly what you wanted to do. And now you're going to have feel this one all the way through. I'm done, and this to me....is over."

Jack couldn't breathe. His lungs filled with salt and saline and he couldn't mush up any words. Roger had opened the flesh wounds of Jack and picked them out, piece by piece.

"Roger, I did that because that's what dads do! I love you enough to want you to be happy, can't you understand that?!"

Roger stopped mid track with his grasp on the car door handle. He took a deep breath, turned around and looked into his father's humid eyes. Eyes that were brimming with desperation, not even for himself but to just justify even a little of what Jack wanted it to be. "If that's what you feel, then that'll have to be your satisfaction. I have no interest, no patience.... nothing else to give to this mess. It will never be about me and you...... because it'll always start with you. And that's where it'll have to end as well. Goodbye dad."

Roger slammed the car door, pulled carefully out of the driveway and circled out of the cul-de-sac, leaving Jack to watch his car speed down every street, by pass every corner store they would adventure to, the park where Roger's imagination soared; swinging high against the crispy wind of summer. His limp body sliding through and down every slide, breaking through every swing and palming and curling every finger around the jaded rods of the jungle gym.

Five minutes had passed before Jack finally allowed his brain to slither in the thought of Roger being.... gone. He didn't exist in the house anymore. He lifted his rigid legs and tracked them back inside the house with a silence. Just a rapture quiet that covered him in every inch. Alice sat in the chair, hair a bit messy, eyes with slight puffiness and lip sucked into her mouth. Jack tiptoed up the stairs, turning every curve of each step, until finally reaching Roger's room.

He didn't exist, everything that resembled him was gone. Like he died, he just merely didn't exist in the Chambers household. The sole of Jack's loafers scratched the static of the carpet the more he walked through Roger's bedroom. His baby lived here, he slept here every night, he was tucked in, he was read to, diapered, fed, nursed, played with all in this bedroom. Jack did all those things for Roger; putting years and money and time and tons of patience and love into this human being who deserved every ounce of it. Roger became everything Jack hoped he'd be; a man with intense integrity and intelligence. Mature with the same charisma Jack attained at the same age.

But it was the pinching, ricocheting stabs of reality that avalanched inside Jack's gut. His vision radarscoped the room, his nostrils filling with a faint looming scent of Roger. Remembering how soft the mattress was when he sat down to tuck Roger in and read him a story, the curve of his desk that was stowed against the wall, neighboring the corner where his toy chest hid.

The mint green rocking chair with the softest blue checkered cushion made by Melonie. The memories the furniture held gripped Jack tightly in its grasp; unable to let go, forever chasing down the ghost of what was. Eyes becoming glossy and fuzzy. Jack sat down on the floor, ruminating the tips of his fingers over the carpet. Tears pecked his pants one by one, pockmarking his dress pants in damp spots

A humming quiet took over, sending Jack to curl himself in a hug and break down.

Finally break down.

Loud sobs and pitiful screeches of cries flooded through the room. Like a tantruming child, Jack gave way to loud sobs that wouldn't halt. Jack's mouth, open and wide even when trying to find the air in his lungs again. His once pasty face was one of a crying newborn; fiery red with pinched closed eyes and a loud round mouth. The hardest Jack had ever cried in his life; small and silent tears would trickle for pain and glee, but these were tears that couldn't be described. Bitter, somber pain full of despair, like Roger had crossed the rainbow, like he had simply ceased to ever exist and that he only lived through Jack's imagination or dreams. Jack sobbed so loud that once he stopped crying, the room had an echo of his sounds. Soothing himself with deep breaths, the color of his skin came back, but the ache pulsing in his heart like a agitated feverish gash still burned. Lifting himself up, taking himself out of Roger's bedroom and into the bathroom to rinse his damp puffy face.

Like a tiptoe on a tightrope, Jack held on to the railing to support him while he trickled lightly down the steps.

Tissues were placed directly in front of Jack's chair. Even though Alice was no where to be seen, a loving reminder of her presence still dinged. Jack stared at the tissues, turned around for a drink of scotch and then another of vodka. He wanted numbness, freedom from the last words of Roger, ringing like bells in the back of his brain. "It'll always start with you."

Jack squinted his eyes to hide from the words. He ran his hand through his hair before sighing and chugging down the last drops of vodka in his glass. Alice came through the doorway of the kitchen, bringing two mugs of tea in. She took the cup out of Jack's hand and set the mug into it instead. "You shouldn't drink now," her voice, soft and warm. Her eyes were filled with understanding and curiosity. Jack realized she still didn't know everything that was said outside in that driveway. "I can't help it... he hates me." "No he doesn't!" Alice exclaimed. "Roger loves you very much!"

"Then why'd he'd leave? Why did my children leave me? Why do I have so many problems that even my own son doesn't want anything to do with me?" Jack slammed his glass down, startling Alice. She just rubbed his shoulders. "Jack.... throughout this whole process- I've noticed there has been a pattern that you've had ever since Roger was a little boy." Jack raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean?" "Well.... you know- and you're the only one who knows why you see Roger the way you do." Alice hit a nerve, a nerve Jack didn't want to become exsposed.

"No... no I don't Alice..." Alice met Jack's gaze, "Look me in the eyes and say that again...." Jack did, calling her bluff to assume. "Look Roger in the eyes and tell him what you see- tell him.... that to you, he's Roger Chambers, Jack. Not anything or anyone else.... just your son and only that." Jack's eyes became puffy. Tears spilled, dribbling down his cheeks. "I loved it. I loved being a father to those little kids. Roger, he was my special boy. My boy... my hope. I don't have as much as you think I do Alice." He choked.

"I needed Roger. I needed him, more than he ever needed me." And he was right. Jack needed Roger. Jack couldn't fill the void himself. Roger was his perfect redemption sent from heaven; everything Jack had about himself, was what Roger had as well. It was healing to him- seeing that little boy become a man that Jack made. Jack praised him, cuddled him, sheltered him from the pain that singed in Jack the hardest. The memories of his beatings, were Roger's memories of Jack's kisses. David's venomous temper, was Jack's crazy day of buying toy after toy for Roger. All of it- disguised as Dad to the children, but seen as baggage to Jack. But he could never admit it. He'll never admit his overacheivement as a father was nothing but pure traumatic pain and grief over what he would never have for himself. Being Dad, was being Jack. It made him be the person who he wanted to escape from his own father. But now it was the very thing that nearly destroyed Roger.

Alice looked at Jack, "Go to him." Like she could hear everything inside his brain. Jack snatched himself up, grabbed his car keys and sped out of the driveway not caring what he hit along the way. He couldn't lose this chance... he couldn't lose his son.

Roger's green car was parked neatly in the parking lot of the 'Four Seasons.' Jack peeled in and shot into the building like hell was breaking down from the ground. Somehow, he found Roger's room. Knocking on the door, Jack was there. Standing there with his heartbeat at a thousand. Roger opened the door, wanting to slam it back again. "Roger... I know after everything that happened- you're angry with me.... I get that. But, please let me talk to you."

"I don't know dad," "Please! I'll explain everything." Roger took a deep breath and let him in. Jack caught his breath. He took a deep breath and spoke.

"Me and your grandpa David didn't have a relationship- growing up," Jack swallowed back allowing tears to brim his eyes, "He was a very violent and cruel man. I don't like talking about him that much because it's so.... painful remembering. He would beat me, call me horrible names to humiliate me in public, he would throw things, scream, yell....I hated being at the house, I couldn't stand being anywhere near my family because of everything. I was head over heels when I finally moved out and I moved from New York to California- here. I don't go into details because it's very....traumatic when I do. Reliving those memories is something I would rather forget. But.....I will say....it really shaped how I wanted to parent you and your sister. The type of father I would want to be for you both." Jack looked to the side before shifting his attention back to Roger.

"I-I would especially put that into you...because you reminded me so much of myself at your age," Jack finally cried. "And it hurt to think about how badly misunderstood I would be and I could never love my father the way I was supposed to. Every child has a love for their parent; it's biologically wired that way, but I just couldn't. I still can't respect him for who he was that much and it..... and it just makes me so angry, because I knew I deserved better. You and Susan definitely did. So, I coddled that relationship, I wanted to be that father for you so much; it was all I thought about while your mother was pregnant, I planned, I timed it out.....I prayed. I prayed for a family, for a child..... just so I could give them what was inside me all along. Not these crumbs from my broken childhood, but a full plate of my future.

I'm sorry Roger. I spent so much time, investing my feelings into you, that I forgot about the most important thing of any relationship: growth. I just couldn't let you go.... maybe because I would be letting go of little me too. When you told me you were leaving, I was devastated. But I didn't want to say anything because I knew it was wrong." Jack licked his lips. Roger stared back, speechless, allowing everything to be smoldered into him for the sake of realization.

"To me, your this big piece. And this piece is connected to other big pieces, and they're all just in this little corner; this area where everything is finally settled into its place. But then, this piece starts shifting and breaking off bit by bit to where it's...... gone. I don't want it to disappear but, it still goes. And slowly but surely, all the other pieces break off and detach and now its non-existent. At least, that's how it feels. It hits you all of a sudden, and no matter what anyone tells you....it doesn't take away the pain. Because the pain resonates with who you are. And that's the piece that also crashes too."

Roger looked at his feet, repeating every echo of his father's words through him. "I'm not here to make you come home or stay or argue....I just wanted to be honest with you. You deserve to know and I'm sorry I didn't tell you before," Jack looked deep into Roger's eyes, examining every stripe of green in his irises, "you deserve to be happy. You go to Seattle and create your future, Roger.... and I'll support you no matter what." Roger looked into his father's teary eyes with his own. Branching out for a hug that Jack connected into felt like a weight being lifted from each of their shoulders. Rubbing the back of each other's hair, the father and son burst into tears of their own.

Later that evening, Roger boarded the plane with his suitcase giving one last goodbye look to his parents, to Susan, to Rod and Mick, Frank, Bunny and Dean, and even Mr. Gao. Waving goodbye as he stepped onto the plane. The group watched as Roger's plane took off to Seattle ringing a finality of what had now been gone. Tears dripped down Jack's tears. Not from sadness- well maybe a little, but from pride. Deep pride of who his son had now become. Roger wiped his set of tears before blinking them away as he envisioned his car being in the parking lot of the transportation center and his furniture at the layaway, ready to be brought to his new home.

Months went by without much from Roger. By now, University had begun and Roger had his head deep in his studies. The falls were different in Seattle: cooler weather, cooler nights and almost all the time, sweaters were a must and sweat jackets would only cover 48 degrees and up. But in San Diego, Jack was relaxed in his chair, sipping his usual morning coffee before a long day of work was ahead of him. "Jack, something came for you in the mail." Alice layed the letter beside Jack, not realizing who it was from: Roger. Ripping the letter open, Jack scanned carefully through it not wanting to miss a single word.

Dad,

From the bottom of my heart I want to forever thank for your companionship and immense love and trust. I know I may not have appreciated it in the past, but you never stopped showing your love and support even when I pushed you away at times. I love you very much and I couldn't imagine going through life with anyone else by my side. I know when I left it was on a sour note but I am writing this letter to apologize for every hurtful thing I said at such an emotional and difficult time. I could never throw you aside not even for any dream or achievement and I will always regret that I didn't consider your feelings about the entire experience at all. Maybe one day you and mom could come and visit Seattle and see the big city. I have experienced so many things so far and after hearing some of your college stories, some of them might be similar to mine. How funny! But I did want to write to you so you could know that I love you Dad with all ny heart and that your best father and partner in crime thst anyone could ask for. You have been not only an awesome dad, but my very first best friend. I'll always treasure those special memories we have together. I'll never take that for granted, the memories and our friendship.

Love,

Roger

Tears brimmed in Jack's eyes. It was everything he needed. He pocketed the note, keeping it close to him whenever he would walk into Roger's room and miss him hopelessly. And Roger knew that.

Roger sat in his cozy apartment, relaxing on his couch as he finished off the last of his piece for work. A smile scattered across his face. Looking around and feeling the quiet of his home was everything he could ask for and more.

And maybe, just maybe......

Jack knew that too.

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