#friendships just in late 2020 when i started realizing what in the fuck was going on. i'm more mature than a reserved 9 year old girl now

[covington-shenanigans]

so I'm on this app, Marco Polo, where you stay in touch with people by means of sending video messages. (there are probably other features, but I'm a free user, so I remain blissfully ignorant of them.) mostly I use it to annoy my sister. ("BITCH WHAT IF I GOT A PHALLOPLASTY AND HAD A BABY SHOWER FOR MY DICK. WE COULD HAVE ZUCCHINI FRITTERS. DICK-SHAPED PASTA. BANANAS FOSTER. DO U SEE MY VISION")

anyway, during the Hell Year of 2020, I saw my childhood best friend (let's call her Lee) was on this app. and like.

when I say "my childhood best friend", I mean the Weird Girl next door, who saw the Weird Girl that I was. I mean the girl I played with from age five until just shy of eleven, when my family moved away. I mean the girl I played with every day, for hours and hours, making up all kinds of elaborate scenarios involving our menagerie of stuffed animals. there were multiple overlapping, soap opera-style plotlines that lasted for years. there was drama. heartbreak. glory. she was the first friend I remember having. she was the first girl I ever loved, in my five-year-old way.

well, I hadn't seen Lee in at least 20 years and I was like, "holy shit! Lee!!!" so I sent her a "hey, nice to see you here, how you been" message.

again, this was late 2020.

now, I had been on T for a scant three months when I sent the first message, so I was a mere baby child, relative to the gruff manly man I am now. no beard, my voice had only started to wobble, still had tits... you get it. keep this in mind, it'll be important later.

I never heard back from her, but we're both Old, so I was like "eh, she probably forgot she installed the app" and forgot about it. we'd exchanged text messages at some point during the Hell Year, but like many people my age she doesn't really text, and I'm not calling anyone if I don't have to, so our communication had been sporadic, at best.

well. today I got a notification that she sent me a reply on Marco Polo.

I figured, well, she's replying to me 3.5 years late, but better late than never. I have ADHD and no friendship degradation mechanic, so I'm excited! yay! friend! :D

and then I remember. "...oh shit. she doesn't know I'm trans."

so. the thing is. I'm from Mississippi, which is. very very fucking conservative. I know Lee grew up Southern Baptist. I also know she's still living in the same town where we grew up and where she eventually graduated from high school and college. last I checked she was still attending the same Southern Baptist church where she grew up and her remaining living parent is still living in Lee's childhood home.

so this is either going to be Fine or it's going to be a disaster. lol.

in thinking it through, I figure either she's seen my updated profile pic, where I have the beard etc., or she hasn't. so either she's going to acknowledge this change or she isn't. okay. these are the possibilities. so I watch the message.

...the secret third option is... she seems to not realize when I sent the message? "sorry, I missed this when I was at work!" girl. what? I mean, you probably did miss it while you were at work... three and a half years ago. possibly she meant to reply to someone else and got me instead?

whatever. who knows. doesn't matter.

because I have the opportunity to do the funniest fucking thing in the world now

[lauralot89]

Loveless

I'm late on this because the book was published in 2020, but I only heard about it in the last month when I was reading an article about asexuality in fiction but in case anyone is out of the loop like me let me tell you about this glory

Loveless is a YA novel by Alice Oseman, author of Heartstopper and Solitaire. It tells the story of Georgia Warr, freshman at Durham University, and her realization that while she's in love with the idea of romance, the actuality of a romantic/sexual relationship repulses her.

Alice Oseman herself is aroace, which makes perfect sense because throughout the novel I kept asking myself, "How does she know? How does she know?! How did she get these thoughts out of my head?"

for my fellow ace and/or aro people, let me quote some of the lines that just got me straight in the soul:

"I had a theory that a lot of people's "celebrity crushes" were just faked to fit in."

"I was disgusted by the thought of him near me. Wanting things from me. That wasn't normal, was it?"

"Oh, God, this thing is actually real, it's not just in fanfics and movies. And I'm supposed to be doing it too."

"Did I even know what romantic feelings felt like?"

"He was clearly the sort of person who I should like romantically. Who I could like romantically. He looked like a boyfriend. I loved his personality. I'd loved his personality for years. So I could fall in love with him. With a little bit of effort. Definitely."

"I thought I'd understood what all these romantic things would feel like--butterflies and the spark and just knowing when you liked someone. I'd read about these feelings hundreds of times in books and fanfic. I'd watched way more romcoms than was probably normal for an eighteen-year-old. But now I was starting to wonder whether these things were just made up."

"Straight people don't think shit like that."

"Just because I'd never liked anyone didn't mean I never would. Did it?"

"I thought all the movies were exaggerating, but you're all really out there just craving genitals and embarrassment. This has to be some kind of huge joke."

"How could I feel so sad about giving up these things that I did not actually want?"

"I felt like I was grieving. I was grieving this fake life, a fantasy future that I was never going to live."

"How was it fair that everyone got to feel that except me?"

"I never had any crushes when I was a child. Not any real ones, anyway. Sometimes I confused friendships for them, or just thinking a guy was really cool."

"For a long time, I was just dating and having sex because that's what people did. And I wanted to feel like those people."

"You've been so confused about stuff. You really thought we could be together, because you do love me. Not in a romantic way, but just as strongly."

"Oh. This is an asexual thing. I forgot other people are obsessed with having sex."

seriously the entire time I spent with this book I just kept asking "was this written for me specifically?" because that's exactly how it felt.

It is a gorgeous book that explores that bizarre feeling of not knowing the word for what you are, not even knowing that you are something out of the ordinary because we don't define ourselves by what we lack and we just expect that one day, it'll happen and we'll be like everyone else. That struggle of trying to differentiate between loving someone and being in love with them, and trying to make the former into the latter and hurting everything in the process.

It is so good. 10/10, no complaints

also there's an asshole in the university's queer pride group who doesn't think aces belong and everyone hates him so that's fantastic, aphobes fuck off

in conclusion I highly recommend it

[the-owl-house-takes]

So I think the worst take of the fandom is that all of the problems of the show would have been fixed had it gotten a full S3. That literally any problem the show had merely came from the shortening. This is... Well, just blatantly shows that the fandom not only doesn't understand how the animation industry works AND doesn't want to actually look at the narrative they did choose to focus on post the shortening call that were just... baffling.

So first let's establish how much of the show was affected by the Shortening. As a fandom, we found out about it during the hiatus between S1 and 2. This was at earliest, August 2020 since the S1 finale came out late August 2020. Dana has claimed two things that are important to this timeline. 1: The shortening was decided on shortly before the finale came out and 2: That the first episode affected by Covid, which would have been back in March/April, was Looking Glass Ruins. So we EXPLICTLY know that the shortening didn't affect the show until after S2 Ep 5.

BUT then we get into production schedules. Before S2 even BEGAN airing, we were told to stop campaigning for a full S3 because they had to get started on storyboards for the season and that was effectively the firm deadline. This means ALL of S2 was effectively done in script and storyboards by the time S2 aired. This makes sense to keep a weekly schedule and the like and most animation professionals will tell you they work MONTHS in advance of release, bare minimum.

This means, AT BEST, S2B was when the shortening really kicked in. And yes, S2B has pacing issues. It has issues in general and is when most people think the quality of the show dropped. The problem is that... The signs were always there. There's a reason why there's been a backlash because as people become disillusioned with the show, you have to ask what was driving so much before.

And a lot of that was potential. S1 is so good when you first watch it because it keeps teasing the idea that it's going to tackle things in a complex way. That it will explore concepts like Amity's abusive family, magic, fantasy vs reality, etc. like that. It's why the fandom was at its strongest during S1.

Unfortunately, the problem with presenting good ideas and then not executing on them, or completely gutting them is that those old parts are a lot harder to enjoy. As Willow was effectively not a character for half a season and then just suddenly was a jock, people began to realize the fact that she in the show is much more a plot device than anything else. They claimed "We're not doing the one kind act into friendship and forgiveness thing with Amity and Willow" and then literally did NOTHING with it until S2B and eventually DID just do the same trope anyways but now with less resonance than it would have had in Understanding Willow.

Not only that but even S1 didn't give a single shit about its worldbuilding. The First Day has Dana Terrace as a lead writer on it. If anyone knows the worldbuilding best, it should be her... So why is it that no one talks about multi-coven things being illegal? It's literally just used as meta commentary and so they entirely ignore the worldbuilding they have. Reaching Out is exactly the same, with Dana as the SOLE writer of that where Amity and everyone else treats joining a coven like going to college and not literally the word of the law.

But S1 couldn't even keep Wild Witches consistent. Half the time Eda can chill and not worry. She can go to a place funded by the EC like Hexide and not flinch for a second that Bump might call the guards on her despite that being kind of the ONE real rule to their society that makes it not just our world but with teeth. Then again, the show gives NO FUCKS about its own stuff, willing excising portions of itself that it finds cumbersome. Escaping Expulsion is BEFORE Looking Glass Ruins and yet it murders Luz's magical potential in its sleep and also discards Amity's family as easily disposable, despite how much the show claims her mother's influence is the reason why Amity behaved the way she did for all of... Three appearances? Because Amity's arc isn't actually good.

It shouldn't be surprising S2 would do this though when the writers already struggled to do anything with Luz's magic. If she's supposed to be learning and growing... Even S1 is shit at this and is repetitive. Not just with the at least three times we do "King has a minion!" B plot that isn't funny and doesn't do anything but also with its lessons. Luz theoretically learns to listen to Eda in the third episode and arguably the second as well. Then she gets her first glyph with the lesson, in theory. of not trying to take shortcuts to do magic and to not steal. And then in Adventure in the Elements, not even to impress Amity but because of her impatience, she steals something to take a shortcut to stronger magic. That is THREE episodes of the first TWELVE of the series. It usually takes most kids shows at least a LITTLE longer to be that bad at retreading its own lessons.

And the final part of this is that... S2 actually had to be effectively the exact same as it was for s3 to happen. You need the foreshadowing of the Collector for the Day of Unity. You need to FINALLY do something with Belos for the revelations of the Human Realm to happen and to do Luz's angst arc. You need Hunter to be at least 90% redeemed so he's there on their side during The Day of Unity, etc. like that. Then you get half a season in the human realm before coming back to the Isles for half a season, just like Amphibia did because returning home is the best mid-season finale you can have there. So any argument that a full S3 would have actually fixed issues with S2B is just... Wrong. The problems with S2B come with the fact that S2A wastes a FUCKTON of time on elements that don't matter.

Oh, and lest we forget that The Collector could have been cut. He had one appearance in a dream, that also doesn't make sense with his characterization, before S2B. In the fact, the crew has admitted as much. He was added AFTER the news of the Shortening because they always wanted to include a character like him so now that they didn't have the time for him... Cram him in anyways.

Could a show have EVER been saved when that's how they treat one of their two final antagonists? It's the sort of statement that just solidifies the idea that TOH didn't want three seasons. It wanted five... If not just to go on forever. To be the next monolithic show, even as it repeats character arcs, lessons and shrinks characters rather than expands them.

So no, the show isn't bad because of the shortening. The show is bad because the writing is bad.

-

[jungkook97]

life update!

i feel like i haven’t done a long essay about my current life in a very long time (~mid 2019 i feel) and i just wanna pop in and say....YO

so idk how many people are still active on here who used to read my really dark stuff, but it’s been a wild rollercoaster since then. for anyone who followed me on twt, i got fired from one of my jobs back in 2020 during the start of the pandemic and fell in one of the darkest holes i ever been in. mind you, this job meant the world to me at the time, and for a week i laid in bed all day just sobbing to anyone who would lend an ear. 

i had lost a core group of friends on top of realizing i was being sexually harassed at work by a fling gone wrong + being in a horrific car accident like...things weren’t really panning out for two whole years. i was wondering if i had made the right choice to move out here from my abusive home because i kept being thrown into situations where i was in danger or overextended myself over and over again for people who did not care. it was getting to the point where it was a vicious and endless cycle of hurt and pain that actually persisted until a few months ago. 

my depression fell below my time back home in 2016/17 to where i started to spiral to the point where i had serious suicide ideation. that ideation turned into planning, and that was truly when i went to go seek help immediately after it happened a second time in the span of a year. lasted 10 whole days in the hospital and found out i had borderline personality disorder which made 100% so much more sense. i knew i was neurodivergent for a while, but i never could piece what i had for the longest.

anyway, i continued therapy with this new diagnosis. 2021 was my first year of healing and coming into the second half of 2022, i really can’t recognize myself and where i had been for the past couple of years. i truly wonder if i really made it out officially, but i can confidently say that i’m in such a better place than i ever had been. 

for the longest, i struggled with identity, depression, anxiety, toxic relationships, overextending myself for others, people pleasing, you name it. i had so many realizations and wakeup calls ever since my late teens and into my early 20s. i remember sobbing uncontrollably on my 25th birthday on a therapist’s couch just suffering from complex ptsd, the days i spent crying in my backstock room because of my situation at my job at the time, the nights i felt wickedly lonely in a room filled with people who didn’t care, etc. i lost an awful amount of friends and loved ones and yet, i still gained so many and still feel so loved right now.

my family and i have been healing. for the first time, my dad told me he was proud of me and my achievements and my mom and i hashed out so much in our talks in the recent months. my brother and i aren’t doing so hot, but i still got a lifetime with him to figure it out hopefully. 

right now, i live in my own place on my own without much worry about making ends meet or dealing with anybody who i couldn’t vibe with entirely. my friendship circles are rock solid and i’ve been looking at romance in a much more nuanced and balanced way. i realized my views on love changed a lot when my crushes both irl and celebrity are genuinely fucking great people and it’s only a matter of time when i am ready to date someone who matches my life path and grow with me. 

i’ve been well aware of my mental health issues, going to therapy, eating better, taking my days and time off and refocusing on what really matters to me. i realize i create and communicate things well and yeah doubts still form, but i feel more and more confident by the day that fuck, i am a talented, intelligent, beautiful fucking person who deserves the universe and all the universes. 

i’m deeply empathetic and no longer at a fault anymore, i’ve became more selfish, and my passions are lining up perfectly. i work at a job that challenges me with management and coworkers who genuinely care, i graduated with a degree in what i was deeply passionate about, and i participate in communities that really fulfill my needs. i have boundaries now that come up fast and protect me from so much potential harm. i stand up for myself more than ever before, louder and more convincing. 

there are so many things i need to work on ofc. i do need to be more bold and be more uncomfortable to be even more spectacular. i still need so much help with the work/life balance thing and not give in to #capitalism and work hustle culture. the self doubts of an ambitious and overachieving human being still linger on, which you know, is typical when ur filling in big shoes all your life lol

i want to create more coming into the second half of 2022 and really until the next decade. i’m seeing more people just having their life together whether it’s finding the love of their life, being able to travel and have such an amazing lifestyle, even more than i am and fuck, i wanna be there! i know i’m getting there. 

i truly made the best choices for me until this point in time. when i put myself first in those certain awful core memories of mine, my life changed for the better: 

got fired at a job? got a much better job. 

friends and family who didn’t care? cut them off and never looked back. 

lost interest in something from time and trauma? healed and got back into it even DEEPER.

wanted a better life? kept fighting for it. 

i just know things are looking up and better. the worst i ever felt was having covid which was very recently and work burnout, but in terms of the trauma and the crippling depression? i think most of that is behind me right now, in the rearview mirror looking rather sad bc they’re being left behind for good.

all i hope is that it stays there. 

[selene-moonie]

How I got a macbook

The short of it is - I rekindled an old friendship about two weeks ago and while we were catching up, I mentioned that I needed a laptop since I was using my sister's own and my friend just offered me his macbook. I collected it later that day and have been using it since.

Side note: lately, I've realized that I don't need to tell stories (as in always relate the bridge of events) even if I think they're really interesting. Not really piggybacking off my last statement, this is one of my favorites to date because I wasn't even wondering about the bridge of events, I just kept telling myself that I have the laptop.

The long of it is this:

I was at the library where I frequent to do work and pull smalls (a colloquial term for making small talk, but mine personally is always entertaining conversations).

I had a meeting at 1 pm, and I had asked one of the library assistants if I could use the conference room. He assured me that I could, on the grounds that I took pictures with the animals for the conservation exhibit that was going on at the time. I agreed, obviously, and headed for the adult section.

While walking to the adult section, this guy I had blocked back in 2020 because he was high quality garbage called out to me saying, "Hi Selene," and I was like, "Hi Frank," and then I beelined for the adult section because I. Was not. Doing dis.

Y'all, I was in mild panic mode because of all the places to see this dude? The library? Literally, no one goes to this one because it sucks and is in a terrible location. I go there because there aren't a lot of people, the wifi is decent, it's really convenient for my commute and the staff members are all really nice to me. Why was he there? His sister was in charge of the animal exhibit and he was helping her.

But apparently, I was doing it because he followed me and we started talking. At first, I was like, wtf am I doing, then at some point, subconsciously, I decided we were friends again. The conversation was good and I caught him up on what I'd been doing lately since we hadn't spoken since mid-2020.

Stuff like this has been happening lately. Old, cool friends have been resurfacing, new ones have been appearing, and they all match my vibe these days.

My boss then messaged me to say that she'd be in office for the meeting, if I wanted to meet her there. I complained to my newly remade friend that it's kinda late for her to say stuff like that when I don't have enough time to make it there by one. He simply replied that he was going up on that side, so he could drive me there. Obviously I agreed because I didn't want to travel there. Good thing too because I forgot the charger and the laptop has no battery. Had I stayed, I'd have had to go back home to have the meeting anyway.

We dipped out of the library at around 12:20 pm, and while we were just catching up in the car, I told him that I'd been using my sister's laptop (ironically, he had given her that laptop). He just told me that he had a MacBook he wasn't using, so I could take it when we came back after my meeting.

I was like, "Are you fucking serious?"

He's like, "Yeah. It's not a problem. I have like two other computers."

And I was like, "Thank you so fucking much, I really appreciate that."

We continued catching up, I went to my meeting, he picked me up after, and we went to his house to get it. I've been using it since, and in fact, it's what I used to write this post.

Also, if you're wondering about what happened to the conference room... I did forget about that. When I went back to the library the following day, the library assistant did complain to me that I set him up, so we're good now.

Onto the manifesting side of things:

I just wanna say that I did get kinda desperate cuz I'd been needing a laptop for about 2 years at that point, but with my job being WFH and I didn't have enough cash for the laptop I wanted (a MacBook, obviously), I kicked my affirming into high gear.

Ya girl was not about to be waiting another six months or indefinitely for what she wanted. Especially since it was messing with my daily quality of life.

I think I was affirming for it for about a week before it showed up, but what I always made sure to do was remind myself that the lack of options in front of me did not affect the manifestation itself.

i.e. I'm gonna get it regardless of what's going on rn.

Anyways, I got it. I wasn't even thinking about what the bridge of events would have been.

Ya fave Moon Babe,

Selene 💜 🌚

[blog-nstuff2]

Zane lowe at home with harry styles march 2020: Shuggie Otis speaks to Harry's eccentric side according to zane. Distinct voice and fun sound. You listen to music from when the music business felt different in terms of ppl just made the records they wanted to make and there was less of "get the single and do this" and all the music is so free sounding. Less artists in general and the ppl who rose to the top were just doing something really fun and free. Last song played through the arena before he starts the concert when he's on tour is sweet thing by shuggie otis. Now that song makes him feel late for stage time when he hears it. Keeping a schedule, meditate, coffee, reading to wake up a bit, go for a run, get air and sunshine, work out in morning, do a little work, walk in afternoon, get some air and sun on my face, go for drives. Harry said he's been writing so much, naturally in this situation you find yourself at instruments so much. Doing stuff he should do more anyway like piano guitar writing lyrics poems more, allow moments of happiness and try not to feel like world is ending, have conversations with friends and laugh and have those moments right now. Those are the things you'll take from it and that's the stuff that'll get you through everything. Mitch sent harry the song I call my baby pussycat. out in london driving home he played maggot brain for harry too. Play guitar like your mother just died. Harry was almost weeping at the end. Harry's always listened to lots of diff stuff. Feels happiest when learning anything which is key to long life. You'll never get to a point where you've heard everything in music. Little sounds you get inspired by for other things rather than copying what you're hearing that you like. Loves marvin Gaye, joni mitchell, van Morrison is a big one. He met van when he went to a show a couple years ago. Don Henley, otis Redding, simon and Garfunkel. Did record deep diving in japan at a vinyl bar. He'd sift through all the records like DJing. You just find the coolest stuff. Paul simon lyrics and melodies are insane. Humor in them is inspiring. You can make amazing music with humor in it. So many artists have adopted a showman thing but paul Simon is just a guy who's rly fucking good at making music. Wants to learn piano more, regrets not playing when he was younger, wants to learn pottery or painting. Ultimately piano cuz it's fun to bring out at a party. When he did snl 2017 it was first performance they'd done for anything. he had an afterparty in a room with piano at top of a hotel. Food and drinking. Sun was coming up and tyler started playing Elton John songs. Sun coming up in NYC and everyone sang rocket man at the top of their lungs and it makes for a great moment. In times of struggle ppl come together and you're having convos with ppl that you dont normally have cuz this is a thing that's very real and it's hard to escape that. Feels apocalyptic a bit. Ppl are having real convos and realizing a lot of things abt themselves. A lot of powerful music will come from this cuz ppl have a need to Express themselves through music writing film and now they have lots of extra time to think and think abt everything. Ppl thinking abt what they want in life, what's important in life, reduce to a time when you dont have the flashy things you think you need. I hope we'll get a lot of honesty in music. Ppl want honesty right now especially in times like these. Creative output from covid lockdowns will be a lot of self reflection, reflection abt the world, step out of your routine that has the distractions that you usually have. You find out a lot abt friendships based on who's checking in on you and who you want to check in on.

[hangovercurse]

Past Mistakes

Y/N and Dom broke up 8 months ago, but now he’s back on her doorstep with flowers in his hand

Dom x Reader

Warnings: Cursing

A/N: I might make a (smutty) part 2 to this if any of you want it... Also let’s just say this took place in 2020 because I needed a non-Covid world for plot points :)

Word Count: 1860

The first two months after Dom left were probably the hardest of your life. You barely ate, you barely slept, and other than going to classes you barely ever left your house. You threw yourself into your classwork, studying for hours on end and working constantly. Anything not to think about him.

The next few months, you got better. You started to move on, accepting that he was no longer a part of your life, at least not like he was. You started to go out with your friends more, started taking better care of yourself. 

After 5 months, he reached out to you, in a text. 

I know I have no right to ask you this, and you have no obligation to respond, but you’ve always been my number one supporter. I’m having a bit of trouble at the moment and could really use a friend. I was hoping we could get that back? Just friends.

It was... disappointing. Even though you swore up and down you were moving on, you couldn’t shake how upset you were. You’d secretly always hoped the next time he reached out to you would be him asking for forgiveness, to be taken back. 

But you supposed friends couldn’t hurt. 

Just friends

You responded. And everything seemed to be normal. 

Apparently, “just friends” meant random texts and snapchats from Dom about the places he would go when he was on tour, his random midnight thoughts about the universe and dinosaurs, and comforting him when his insecurities overwhelmed him. He, of course, returned the favor, though you were more than hesitant to break down any walls for him. 

Part of you was glad he’d broken things off before going on tour. You would be stuck in your small town while he was in a different city every night. Your newfound friendship was hard enough as it is given the time differences and the fact that you could only see him through a phone screen. You honestly couldn’t imagine pining for him while you stayed at home, even though you kind of did that for the first few months anyways.

So that was how life had been for the last 8 months. Once you’d gotten your shit together, you and Dom had a steady friendship over facetime for 6 months. You were still in school, Dom was still touring and making music. You were both as happy as you could be in that moment.

Or at least you were. 

It had only taken Dom three days to realize how badly he’d fucked up. Well, he knew before he’d even broken up with you that it would hurt. But sitting at the airport, wanting nothing more than to text you, he realized how bad this tour would be without you waiting for him at home. 

But he couldn’t put you through that heartache, it would be selfish of him. He thought if he’d let you go, you wouldn’t have to be upset when he couldn’t be with you for 8 months. But after 2 months of hell, Adam finally convinced him he needed to reach out to you. Even just as friends. 

But truthfully, after 6 months of that, he didn’t know how much longer he could stay friends. He missed holding you while watching movies, missed you bringing him tea when he was writing, missed showing up at your flat at 3 in the morning just to dance around your house. He missed your lips, your skin, your eyes. The way you reached for him first thing after you’d woken up, how you would drag him out of bed to go for a late night adventure, how your eyes would shine when he surprised you with a cute gift or date. 

And you couldn’t say you didn’t miss him too. You’d tried going out with the people your friends set you up with, but no one compared to Dom. No one understood you like him. As silly as it sounded when you’d say it to yourself, you were pretty sure you were made for each other. You’d never find anyone to compare to him. And maybe that’s why “just friends” stung so much.

You were sat on your sofa, laptop in front of you, working on an assignment to keep your mind off the fact that it was Friday night and all of your friends were out on dates and you were on your sofa, doing schoolwork. 

Your plan was working surprisingly well, until you finished said assignment. Then you were just left to sit and wallow in your own self pity, wishing anyone were there to cuddle and kiss. Well, maybe not anyone. 

Eventually, you decided a movie would be a good distraction from your thoughts, so you pulled up Netflix on your TV, scrolling through the movie selection. As you landed on Princess and the Frog, there was a knock on your door. 

You raised your eyebrow slightly, curious as to who might be at your door this late. Nevertheless you trudged over to the door in your oversized sweatpants and ripped up Guns n’ Roses shirt. 

You opened the door to reveal a bouquet of pink and black roses in the hands of none other than your ex-boyfriend-turned-friend, Dominic Harrison. 

When he saw you in person for the first time in 8 months, he could only stare, taking in all of your beauty. Every feature was so familiar to him, yet so changed. And every second he spent on your doorstep, taking you in, he fell even more back in love with you. 

You didn’t know what to think. You would have never in a million years expected him to show up at your door with flowers. And pink and black flowers at that. Your mutual favorite colors. 

Finally, he gained the courage to speak, “Hey, Y/N.” He was trying his hardest not to stutter as he extended his arm with the flowers, handing them to you. 

You took the flowers, a small smile making its way on your face. “Um, hey Dom. What’s up?” You were finding it hard to look at his face, worried that if you did you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from kissing him. 

“I was hoping we could talk?” You nodded, moving out of the doorway to let him walk into your small living room. 

Your eyes followed his back, taking in every detail of him as you could. You couldn’t help but think about how natural he looked in your flat, how at home he was. 

You snapped out of your thoughts as he turned to face you. You closed the door and followed him into the room. “It’s good to see you again. Like, in real life.” You told the truth, seeing him in your flat was like a breath of fresh air after the fog of the last 8 months. 

“Can I be honest with you?” He asked, taking you aback. Your mind started running through every possible thing he might want to say to you. 

“You can always be honest with me.” You told him, trying to maintain a calm facade, though underneath you were freaking out. 

What if he wants to tell me that being friends was a mistake? What if he thinks our relationship was a mistake? Maybe he is only still friends with me because he feels bad for me.

“Ok, there’s no way to say this any other way so I’m just gonna go for it.” He took a deep breath, “I’m still in love with you.”

He paused, gauging your reaction. You felt as if every cell in your body froze. You hadn’t realized just how much you’d wanted him to say those words. 

“I never really stopped, if I’m honest. I haven’t stopped thinkin’ about you since I left.” 

You seemed to come back to your senses, a blush reaching your face as you glanced down to your feet and back up to meet his eyes. “I- um” You started.

“I know you probably don’t feel the same thing and I don’t blame you I just couldn’t keep living without telling you that.” Dom interrupted, speaking faster out of nervousness. He had begun to pace around the living room, something you had seen many times before.

“Dom, I-”

“God I was so stupid to let you go. I thought it would help me miss you less while I was away but I’ve just missed you more.” He ran a hand through his hair, and you couldn’t help the smile on your face. 

“Dominic, can I talk please?” You chuckled as he turned to face you, stopping in his tracks. The look on his face was so soft and scared. You realized how much he still cared for you and how scared he was to lose you.

“Dom, I never stopped loving you either, dork.” You walked over to him, placing the flowers on your coffee table and grabbing his hands. 

His eyes went wide at your touch and he looked down at his feet, occasionally glancing up to your interlocked hands. “I, um, I thought you would hate me...”

“I don’t think I could ever hate you,” you whispered, “I was hurt at first, like really. I was a mess.” You chuckled, remembering the many nights spent crying in your bed. “But I never hated you. And when you texted me I just- I dunno. It hurt that all you wanted was friends but I couldn’t live without you in my life. I know it sounds cheesy and shit but like, I never stopped wanting you to come back to me.”

At some point in your spiel, Dom looked up at you, a smile growing on his face. Your eyes finally met and it was like something clicked. Like all the feelings that you had been repressing from the last 8 months were finally surfacing. 

“Can I kiss you?” He whispered, his gaze flickering between your eyes and your lips. Instead of responding, you lifted yourself onto your toes and connected your lips to his. His hands moved to grab your waist, leaning down into the kiss. Your hands travelled to his chest, one hand resting on his shoulder and the other continuing up to his neck. 

Your lips melded with his in the most natural way, almost like you’d never taken a break from each other. 

Once you pulled away you nuzzled your face into his chest, taking in the familiar smell of Dom. He pressed a kiss to the top of your head as you moved your hands to wrap around his middle. “I missed you.” You mumble into his shirt before looking up to him again. “Don’t leave me again.” You whispered, “please?” 

He leaned down, rubbing your nose with his. “I won’t, I promise.” He pressed a kiss to your lips as you smiled against him. 

“Can we watch Princess and the Frog now?” He asked with a chuckle. “I saw it on when I came in and its been on my mind since.” 

You giggled, nodding as you pulled him down onto your couch, cuddling up to him and pressing play. 

[drewstarkeys]

The three times Toni almost kisses you and the one time that she actually does.

Summary: 3+1

Warnings: Language, mentions of throwing up (the scene where they all get sick is included.)

Word Count: 4.5k 

Pairing: Toni Shalifoe x Reader

A/N: sorry this is kind of messy but I was feeling super inspired to write for Toni because she’s my baby and I haven’t seen much for her yet so I wanted to hopefully give you guys some good Toni content :)

The first time Toni almost kissed you was too soon.

It was the second night on the island and a new round of Never Have I ever revealed some of the group’s biggest secrets such as your own. You had confessed to never kissing a member of your preferred sex but had drank to kissing boys. Your simple confession had Toni’s head spinning as she tried to make sure there was no other explanation for your answers that night.

You had walked off soon after your confession and the look that Shelby gave you- making you feel as if you were no longer welcome. Something about the cliffs on the far end of the island were calling you to go to them and watch the stars.

What you didn’t know was that Toni had quietly followed you towards the end of the island. She wanted to get to know you better in general, but right now she just wanted to make sure that you were okay. She had picked up the hesitancy in your confession when the words left your mouth and added onto Shelby’s mention of you praying afterwards- well that was a recipe for disaster.

As soon as you had reached one of the shorter cliffs that overlooked the ocean, you sat down and faced the sea in hopes that it would calm your spinning head. It was 2020, how could anyone not be supportive of loving whoever you wanted to love? You were out to your parents and while they hadn’t loved the idea of you loving women, they did support you and tell you that they just wanted you to be happy. That was similar to pretty much everyone else’s reactions to you coming out- supportive even if they didn’t understand. So when Shelby reacted in a different way, you didn’t know how to sit around and just take her words.

Your head had gotten so caught up in your thoughts that you didn’t realize someone had walked up to you until they were sitting down next to you. “Hey, uh- I know what Shelby said was tough, I mean fuck, it wasn’t okay at all but I just wanted to see if you were okay? “ Toni asked, her head cocked to the side as she stared at you, trying to gage how you were feeling.

A sniffle left you before words could and you mentally cursed yourself for seeming so weak, you weren’t big on crying in front of strangers, even in this crazy situation. “I’m fine,” you said, pausing as if you were going to add something else but you decided against it, closing your mouth quickly.

The girl next to you wasn’t so convinced, “You’re not. I’m pretty sure anyone who has ever had a crush on someone of the same gender isn’t okay after that comment, we’ve dealt with enough bullshit about it and we shouldn’t have to worry about it right now. The fear of being judged should be last on our list of worries, yet here we are, you know?”

“Is that why you’re here... making sure I’m okay?” You asked, finally looking over to her. It was an odd question given the fact that you knew the answer but you couldn’t help yourself as the words spilled out of you.

Toni nodded, no words being necessary to her answer. She was still looking at you as if she was scared that you would break down in front of her. “wait hold on,” she mumbled, scooting herself closer to you, “you have like a branch or something in your hair.” She whispered as her hand came up to your hair and worked on pulling the small twig out.

You froze at her closeness, suddenly feeling like you wanted her a lot closer than that but unable to form those words or even fully understand those feelings. “Thank you,” you said, your heart racing against your words.

Toni sat close to you for a second, her eyes falling down to your lips but before anything else happened, she pushed herself back and stood up, extending a hand out to you. She had gone cold almost instantly. “We should get back- they’ll be worried about us.”

You nodded, grabbing her hand and standing up next to her before releasing her hand just as quick. You couldn’t quite place a name on it yet but you felt something for her, you just didn’t know if it was simply because she had been nice to you or if there was something more there.

The next time she almost kissed you was four days later.

The shelter building contest was growing intense even though it had just started. A fight between Shelby and Toni had already broken out which unfortunately for Toni, ended with Martha choosing Shelby’s side.

A part of you was telling yourself to go after her and help her collect wood to calm her down because of how close the two of you had grown over the past few days, but a bigger piece of you was telling you to stay put, Toni needed to cool off on her own.

“Alright so- how can I help?” You asked, looking over to Shelby who had already started making space near a cliff. You hadn’t fully forgiven her for telling you that you needed to pray but you were currently stuck on an island with her- holding grudges wouldn’t do shit for you.

Shelby looked at you with a smile, “Martha is going to build while we cut the wood we already have, do you wanna help Martha? I think Nora can help me just fine.” She suggested, looking over at Martha who was currently dragging over some of the chopped wood.

You nodded, walking off towards Martha, not wanting to interact with Shelby any longer. “Hey,” you said with a smile as you helped her balance a piece of wood against another piece.

“Hi, y/n!” She said back, a light heartedness to her tone that you wished you could still carry with you but your hope for leaving the island had dropped after the first two days. “Do you think we can win this? I really want those Takis,” she added as she walked over to grab another piece of wood.

“Hopefully.” You answered, continuing to help Martha as the other girls were cutting wood.

Time passed quickly under the hot sun as you let your mind drift back to the second night on the island, wondering if Martha had heard about what happened. Even worse, you couldn’t help but look back for Toni after each new piece of wood was added to the hut.

You felt your heart jump when you finally turned back to see Toni walking towards the group with a stack of wood tucked under her arm. You watched as she put down the branches and began to talk with the girls- from the look of it, she wasn’t happy with what they were telling her.

“So I just straight-up wasted my time? Whose fucking idea was this? Was it yours?” She asked, her glare being focused onto Shelby as you finally walked up to the rest of the group with Martha, hoping to do some damage control.

“We all decided this as a team, can you please just go with it?” Martha asked, hoping to pull her best friend back under control before there was another outburst.

Toni shrugged and turned away from the group, walking off without another word. “Maybe I should go off after her, you know- it was my plan and everything that we switched to.” Shelby spoke up as she watched Toni walk away, “i feel like someone should talk to her.”

You looked at Shelby in shock, sure she was the resident optimist here, but she couldn’t possibly go after the person she just annoyed, you would never have the guts to do that. “You really think it should be you? I mean come on Shelby, you’ve done enough to piss her off.” You fought back, trying to keep your tone even.

“Y/N is right, Shelby, I think that you should go, y/n. Well, either you or Martha, both of you seem to have a calming effect on her when she’s ticked off.” Nora spoke up, looking between you and Martha with pleading eyes.

Martha stayed quiet and looked to the ground, she felt worse for Shelby than she did for Toni at the moment and it was showing. “It should be y/n, Toni and I haven't been getting along great lately.” She answered with sad eyes. You could tell that the strain on their friendship was affecting both of them negatively.

You nodded, pulling Martha in for a hug and sending a smile to the other girls, “I’ll be back soon. If I’m not, well I either fell in a ditch or a shark ate me,” you teased, earning a small laugh from Shelby,

You could still hear them talking about the hut and their plans as you walked away but your mind was too focused on finding your friend. You felt almost silly for coming after her as she had just done the same for you a few nights ago, but you knew that someone should go talk to her. The sound of waves filled your ears and you chose to focus on that instead, trying to calm your nerves so you wouldn’t stress before going to see her.

It had been about five minutes and you still had no sight of Toni which worried you a little bit, sure she had a head start, but you would’ve hoped that she had found somewhere to just sit and pout, rather than continuing her trek of madness around the island.  “Toni, you out here?” You called out as you walked around one of the corners of the island, smiling when you finally saw the figure of a girl sitting on one of the rocks.

You made your way up to her without another word before stopping right in front of her so that Toni would have to look at you. “You okay?” You asked her, studying her frame. She was curled into herself and anyone would be able to feel the anger radiating off of her.

“I’m fine. Just annoyed, that’s all.” She answered and you frowned, you could hear the hurt in her voice despite the clear efforts she was making to hide it. Before you could question her, she spoke again, “don’t you find it weird how we keep coming after each other when we barely know each other? I don’t mind it but normally people don’t care enough to try and talk me down, well except Marty.”

You moved to sit down on the rock next to hers and looked at your feet as you tried to find the right words for the situation. “Yeah, it’s like a good weird- or at least I like the weird. It’s um, well it’s cool.” You stumbled out, mentally cursing yourself over your awkwardness.

“Can I ask you something?” Toni asked you, pulling her knees up to her chest as she spoke.

“Alway- yeah of course you can.” You answered, still trying your hardest to not trip over your own words.”

Toni smiled to herself, “uh- why do you seem so nervous whenever you’re around me?” She asked, a smile still playing across her lips. She fucking knew. She could tell that this wasn’t just friendship for you.

You blushed, trying to figure out how to explain it without completely exposing yourself to her right now. “I uh- I think you’re pretty.” You rushed out, not meeting her eyes as you spoke.

She laughed but you could tell it wasn’t meant to be rude or to shoot you down in any way, it was almost like she was laughing from shock. “That was cute, you know that?” She asked, remaining calm through the whole thing.

You got up off of the rock, “right. Well, uh, I’m gonna go help with the contest and everything. I’ll see you over there, alright?” You said, leaning forward and kissing her on the cheek, something that shocked you as much as it seemed to shock Toni.

One of her hands grabbed your face before you could fully pull away and she looked at you in the same way she had looked at you the other night, like she was about to kiss you. But just like that first night, you were left disappointed as she pulled you in for a hug instead of kissing you, “I’ll see you around.” She answered, her face buried in your neck, “thank you by the way, for checking on me.”

The third time Toni almost kissed you, her life had just been in danger.

The shellfish feast had turned out to be a fucking disaster filled with nearly everyone on the island throwing up. Only you and Shelby hadn’t eaten them, Shelby being allergic and you were simply too picky to eat them.

Unfortunately for you, that meant you had to hold back everyone’s hair as they threw up, the sight and smells of which almost added you to the list of those emptying their stomach contents. “This is fucking brutal,” you had mentioned to Shelby as you both ran towards Leah who had tripped over a log and landed down into the sand, the girl was basically delusional.

“Tell me about it,” she answered, “I can get Leah if you wanna go check on Marty and Toni, they’re in the worst shape right now.” Shelby added, looking over to the two girls who were laying down in the shade, barely moving.

You nodded at her words, running over to the two of them so you could assess the situation. Martha was still busy throwing up but she was at least upright while Toni could barely stay on her side to throw up. You looked up to the sky as if an answer would suddenly pop up when Dot came running over to you and the girls.

“Okay so these two are in really bad shape, huh?” She questioned and you nodded, trying to avoid the spots that they had thrown up onto. “Alright well, Leah is getting the med bag, if I go get two waters can you help me try and get them to drink some? They need it even if they can’t keep it down.” She suggested, not letting you disagree before she walked over to the supplies stash.

You sat down near Toni and grabbed her by her shoulders, pulling her up so her back was pressed against you. She groaned at the sudden movement but was too exhausted to truly fight you on what you were doing. You waited for Dot to come back anxiously, hoping that Toni wouldn’t manage to throw up in the short period of time when Dot was away from you.

Dot’s return was quick as she handed you a water can and walked over to Martha, taking care of her and holding her hair back in case Marty needed to throw up. You looked back to the girl in front of you and you tipped her head up, lightly pulling on her chin to get her to open her mouth. “No-” she said, “I can’t.” She added, trying to push your hands away from you.

“I don’t care right now, drink the water.” You said, pulling the can up to her lips again. She tried to turn her head but you were quicker than her, managing to keep her mouth pressed to the lid of the can before pouring some of the liquid down her throat. Immediately after she swallowed the water, she was leaning to the side and emptying her stomach once again, crying out in pain due to how much she had already thrown up.

You held back her hair as she flopped over the side of your leg, her cheek resting on it as she stared down into the sand in front of her. You wanted to help more, but until the medicine bag was here, you couldn’t do anything. So, you were essentially stuck there, hoping that she would be okay despite the grave circumstances that she was currently facing.

“If I make it out of this alive-” Toni started to speak but was cut off by her stomach lurching.

You felt your heart drop at her words, “you’re making it out of this alive. Don’t start with that,” you said, pulling a piece of her hair away from her face. “But seriously, Toni, don’t talk right now, you need strength,” you added, feeling horrible for the girl.

“So you don’t want me to tell you that I want to kiss you?” She asked, turning to look up at you for a second before resting her head back against your thigh, deciding that sitting up was a bad idea.

You tried to think up a coherent response to that but between your worry for her health and your growing crush on her, you couldn’t quite think of the right thing to say. Instead you just bit your lip as you tried to conceal a smile and ran your free hand across her back, trying to provide some comfort to Toni as she was clearly still feeling like hell.

“We got the pills!” A voice yelled and you turned to see Shelby running up to meet you and Dot, “here’s the bag.” The blonde said, handing it over to Dot who would know what to do. You could feel your anxiety building as Dot only managed to pull one pill out of the bag, frantically looking for the other one yet becoming unsuccessful in doing so.

You didn’t know how or when it happened, but Toni was being pulled away from you and flipped onto her back as Shelby forced Toni to swallow the only pill that they had. Your head had been too fuzzy to clearly remember the exact details of what happened, feeling your consciousness become a struggle.

“Hey, y/n, calm down, she’s going to be okay. Just take deep breaths,” you heard a voice from next to you say. You turned to face Dot and you pulled her in, hugging her tightly as you let yourself finally cry over the stressful situation. “It’s okay,” she whispered, “you did so good today, you can relax now.” She added, stroking your bag as you clung to your friend intensely.

You hadn’t even realized you lost consciousness until you were waking up to a dark sky and the sound of your friends talking a few feet away. You sat up slowly, feeling all of the previous events coming back to you, “Toni,” you mumbled, rubbing your eyes as you scanned the group near the fire for Toni’s face.

“Hey, hey, I’m right here.” A voice spoke up and your head snapped towards the voice, your eyes landing on Toni who was sitting a few feet away from you. “I’m okay,” she said before anything else, “but um, thank you- for you know, helping me not choke on my own vomit.” She said, a humorless laugh falling past her lips.

You reached forward and pulled her in for a hug, almost crying again at the fact that she was okay, that you wouldn;t have to bury another body. “Thank God,” you breathed out, resting your chin on her shoulder.

“Don’t get all religious on me,” she teased, earning a small laugh from you. She pulled away from you but stayed close, her eyes scanning you to check on you. “So about what I said earlier,” she said, her hand coming up to touch the back of her neck. “I’m sorry for just like outwardly expressing to everyone that I uh, wanted to kiss you,” she said, her voice low as she looked over to the group of your friends. “I meant it- it was just bad timing.”

You nodded, a smile forming across your lips at her words, “I mean I wanna kiss you too.” You whispered, feeling the nervousness erupt in your stomach. The silence after your confession was deafening, it was like neither of you quite knew how to make a move with all of your friends only ten feet away, but you both wanted something, anything to happen.

Before either of you could do anything else, screams were heard across the beach and the two of you jumped up, running for the other girls to see what had happened. As the two of you approached the group, you realized what happened and your feelings of euphoria from just moments ago came crashing down, Martha had collapsed.

“Holy fuck,” you whispered as everyone ran for the girl, trying to pick her up and make sure that she was okay.

“There might be some more meds out there, maybe even the ones that she needs.” Leah announced, causing you to immediately get up off your feet and look over at her.

“Leah, we’re gonna go find them. Let’s go,” you said, grabbing the girls hand and the flashlight that had been left on the ground before heading towards the woods.

The one time Toni kisses you, she’s certain you’ll kiss her back.

You’re awake way before you want to be up, considering that the sun hasn’t even come up yet. Your mind is telling you to go back to bed but you ignore it and stand up instead, walking to the edge of the water and staring out at the open ocean in front of you. You were truly alone out here and rescue seemed like it would never come. It was a sad feeling to be so cut off from everyone else with no chance to live out the rest of your life, but something about dying here seemed peaceful. So, if this was the way you went out, you would just have to be okay with it.

The waves were barely hitting your feet, even as you sat down at the edge of the water and stared out. You hated the feeling of knowing that the one thing you used to love most in the world had suddenly become the one thing that would keep you from living till an old age. You used to swim around and pretend you were a mermaid and that the corners in the public swimming pool were underwater caves with mysteries far beyond your own imagination.

“Any reason you’re up before the sun?” Toni asked, snapping you out of your thoughts as you turned around to face her. “Before you ask, yes you kinda woke me up but it’s not a big deal so don’t apologize.” She added, sitting down next to you.

You laughed and looked down at the sand beneath you at her comment, “I feel bad, I didn’t mean to wake anyone up. I just- I wanted to watch the sunrise.” You answered her, your thumb running over a shell you had pulled out of the sand.

She moved herself closer to you until your shoulders were touching and you gratefully accepted the body heat that she was giving off, considering the sun hadn’t warmed up the island yet. “Sorry, I didn’t even ask if you wanted to just relax alone before coming over to sit, I should’ve.”

You shook your head side to side in disagreement and leaned in closer to her, “it’s fine, really. I had to get out of my own head anyways, my thoughts weren’t too fun before you came over here.” You answered, not fully wanting to explain the lack of hope you had for the future.

“Yeah, I don’t think any of us have been too positive lately with our outlooks on life and this island in general. Sure it’s great for an escape from real world problems but then again- we’re literally on the verge of death here” She agreed, her hands finding their way into the sand and running it through her fingers, something she tended to do no matter what the situation.

Before she could say anything else, you gasped and pointed at the sky, the sun was just beginning to rise, allowing a small amount of light to fill the scenery in front of you. “The sun is officially awake,” you said, hugging your knees into your body as an attempt to stay warm.

Toni yawned, nodding her head at your words. “Finally, huh? Was my company not good enough for you?” She teased, her shoulder bumping into yours gently as she spoke.

You rolled your eyes playfully at her words, “right cause the sun is such great company and you’re not. But then again, maybe the sun would actually kiss me after telling me that it wants to kiss me.” You said, your words coming out a lot stronger than you had expected, considering you tended to get nervous around girls.

Toni scoffed at your words, feigning hurt as she looked over to you, “are you saying I haven’t lived up to my words? That hurts y/n,” she continued the joke, reaching up and brushing a stray piece of hair from your face, the sun lighting up the softness in her eyes as she stared at you. “But I mean, if you want me to fix that, I can,” she added, her voice barely coming out above a whisper. A slight breeze ran across the island as you nodded, too afraid of your own voice to hold steady while you gave her an answer. “I need you to say it,” she begged, her hand still resting on your face.

“Yes,” you whispered, your eyes flicking down to her lips as you spoke.

A shaky breath left Toni’s mouth as she leaned in towards you, using her hand on your face to pull you closer to her. As soon as the two of you were close enough, her eyes slowly shut as she closed the distance and pressed her lips to yours. You could feel yourself fighting a smile as you kissed her back, your hands sliding up to hold her face in your hands. As cheesy as it sounded, it felt so right to be with her like this and you felt like you could finally let down your guard.

She pulled away first, looking up at you shyly, all of her confidence from before was gone as if she was hoping that you were feeling the same way you did. “That was so worth waiting,” she said quickly, the nerves still evident in her voice but to you, it was adorable.

“Yeah, it really was,” you agreed, grabbing her hand and interlocking your fingers with her, just wanting to feel her touch. You turned to look at the sky for a minute and smiled at all the different colors that were slowly beginning to paint the sky, “I uh feel like this is probably the right time to tell you that I really like you.” You added, a blush once again evident on your cheeks.

The girl smiled, a bright smile forming on her face, still watching you as she spoke, “I really like you too,” Toni said, her hand squeezing yours as she rested her cheek against your shoulder so that she could also stare out at the pink and orange sky.

[detectiveran]

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything, practically a year and 2020 was awful and 2021 didn’t start off well either because of a relative’s death. But anyway, I hope you guys like what I’ve written.

If you wanna support me, I would be highly grateful. My paypal is: paypal.me/filterish

It was truly horrible that Ran was dealt such a awful card in her life. An alcoholic father, a workaholic mother and an innate disposition of wanting to please people whom she loved.

She could have lived with the first two cards but it was the third one that made her life difficult. Wanting to do the best she could at academics so she could get praised by her absent parents, wanting to have friends so that she could answer her mother’s questions about her friendships with conviction, wanting to work so that she could take care of the monetary burdens... wants, wants, wants.

To be honest, all she wanted was peace. To not be involved in her separated yet together parents’ tumultuous relationship. Sometimes thinking about her family made her chest hurt and throat tickle. She loved her mother and she loved her father. But she didn’t love them together. And when she came to realize that at the age of twenty, she finally let go.

She had worried and schemed to get her parents back together practically her whole life but now, she knew that if they didn’t want to be together, all her efforts would be in vain. So, at the age of twenty, with a heavy heart, she decided to let her family go. She stopped calling her mother to fix a date with her father, she stopped pestering her father about giving a fuck about her mother. And then came the realization that she was lonely. So lonely that her heart ached.

She hadn’t managed to make friends, life long friends people would go on about, because she was focused on bettering herself so that her parents would praise her. On the flip side, she had gotten into one of the best universities in Tokyo and was studying her desired subject about Medicine. Most days she could live with the pay off. Having a stable career would help in surviving alone a lot.

People in her class would invite her to hang out and she would say yes, just to sit there and observe them. For some reason, the buzzing chatter of her classmates soothed her a lot. They would gossip or discuss about classes or professors and Ran would sit there with a slight smile on her face and her heart feeling lighter. She craved companionship. 

With that thought in her mind, she decided to open up with her college classmates. She knew the names of the people in her class, thankfully and so, with a cheery smile she used to plaster on at her high school, she slid into the conversation about the college’s professors.

“... And Tsukiyama-sensei gives us so maaaany diagrams to draw,” Hayami-san was whining, “I have a part time job to do and then that teacher’s homework... I don’t get the time to unwind at all.” 

“He does push us a lot,” Ran said and noticed the sort of surprised looks of her three classmates, though they quickly covered it up. 

“You find it hard too, huh, Ran-san?” Sonoko-san said, “With your grades, I thought it would be easy for you to catch up.” 

Ran quickly grabbed the opportunity to continue the conversation, thankful that the atmosphere didn’t turn awkward at her sudden interruption, “Ah, well, I don’t actually have a lot to do, you know? Mostly studies and a part time job as an assistant at a detective agency.”

“Detective agency?!” The three of them exclaimed and faced Ran fully.

Her smile grew sheepish as she said, “Ahhhh, but, nothing interesting happens when I’m there. Usually, I just have to compile all the data and file them.” 

“But, still! You must have found something interesting there!” Aoko-san said, with her eyes shining with excitement, “A case? Or a person? Have you ever helped the detective, Ran-san?” 

Ran shook her head no, “I’m not allowed to work on the cases, Aoko-san. As a matter of fact, I’ve not even seen the detective yet, I usually work in the evening, after my classes are done.”

Hearing that, the three of them looked concerned and Hayami-san spoke, “Ran-san, are you sure that’s safe? I mean,” she shared a look full of concern with Sonoko-san and Aoko-san, “you have never seen whom you work with, right? What if it’s some super shady guy?” 

Ran chuckled a bit and said, “It’s okay, Hayami-san. I’m trained in karate. Plus, the agency I work at is super reputed. It’s just that the guy whom I’m assigned to is very, very busy and even other employees have said that it’s rare to see him in the office. He works at very odd hours.” 

That did nothing to alleviate their concern and Ran felt a bit touched. This was the first time she was having a proper conversation with them and the four of them were practically strangers yet Hayami-san, Sonoko-san and Aoko-san were so concerned about her well being. 

Aoko-san was apprehensive and she murmured, “If you say so, Ran-san,” and then in a more chipper tone asked, “Which agency do you work at?”

“Kudo Detective Agency.” Ran replied.

Hearing that, the three of them were even more animated in their response, “THE Kudo Detective Agency?” Aoko-san gasped in disbelief. 

“Wait, the famous ex-policeman one?!” Sonoko-san exclaimed.

“The one that has this hot, handsome guy working there?” Hayami-san said.

All of them turned to look at Hayami-san and she shrugged sheepishly, “What? Everybody knows that there is this rumored handsome guy who works there and is seen like once in every millennia,” she said sarcastically.

Sonoko-san swatted her friend and Aoko-san clicked her tongue, waving her comment away and turned her attention back to Ran, “You really work at Kudo Detective Agency, Ran-san? Oh, wow. It houses the best of the best detectives.” 

Sonoko-san nodded and said, “Damn, you must have impressed the Kudo husband and wife duo a lot. Seeing that they have such a strict policy and criteria to employ people.”

And with that, the three of them were off chattering about the elusive Kudos. Ran chipped in whenever she could but mostly listened while they were talking. She didn’t have the heart to tell them that only reason she works there is to spite her father in an act of rebellion. 

The Kudous were not the reason her father was a piss poor detective but she had spent her teenagers listening to him whine about how Kudo Yuusaku was responsible for the lack of cases in Mouri Detective Agency. And at that time, Ran did what she could to help him, guide her high school classmates in need, put up posters, advertise in newspapers... she did what she could but her father was too prideful to take small cases and too incompetent to work properly on big ones. And by then, the ex-policeman Yuusaku and ex-actress-turned-housewife had established a proper detective agency housing some of the brightest, youngest detectives. 

When she cut ties with her family, she decided to do what she wanted. And so, she offered her services to the Kudous. She knew she could be an excellent assistant and she proved herself by working for a week under Yuusaku Kudo herself. From organization to appointments to little treats or snacks for the clients... she did what she could have been doing for her father. 

And by the time the week had ended, she was employed with a good salary. She thought that working there would hinder her Medicine study course but the detective whom she was assigned to had a set of orders ready when she entered his office. 

She was surprised at first because no one was there to greet her on her first day, just a piece of paper telling her not to come during day time and that her work was to organize the papers that were kept on the table. Sure, there were scribbled notes scattered everywhere on the table but a quick glance clued her in that those were case notes. Case notes of multiple cases, to be exact. 

She found it extremely odd that the detective whom she was supposed to assist had never shown himself. All she knew was that his name was Kudou Shinichi, Kudou Yuusaku and Yukiko’s son, and was an excellent detective. He had grown up in the States and had come back at the age of twenty with plethora of experience under his belt. 

Ran chalked up never seeing him to some weird quirk of his. Truthfully, she liked working there. The Kudou couple treated her kindly, the assistants of other detectives were warm and welcoming, even the other detectives greeted her and indulged in small talk. The work wasn’t difficult, the pay was excellent, the timing fit her college schedule perfectly; everything was great except for never having seen her superior’s face.

Ran sighed as she brought herself back to present. Aoko-san was talking about the lab work they had just finished and Ran smiled lightly. Having friends like them would be nice, she thought. And swore to herself that she would make the effort to know them better. 

That day, she felt very calm as she entered her office. The Kudo Shinichi plaque at the door greeted her and she opened it, mentally gearing herself up for the stack of papers that was bound to be there, only to be greeted by a man, who was shuffling through them. 

“Umm... hello?” Ran asked hesitantly, not wanting to jump to conclusions about who this man was.

The man faced her and smiled a bright smile, which left Ran disarmed. “Hello, you must be Mouri Ran-san?” he asked.

Ran felt a little discombobulated, she hadn’t anticipated someone being inside the office. “Uhh... yes, I am. And you are...?” she didn’t want to presume who he was but she had a little inkling of whom he could be.

“Ah, sorry for introducing myself late,” and he walked up to her and held his hand up for a greeting, “My name is Kudou Shinichi... and ahh, I’m supposed to be working here,” he said in a playful tone with a smirk that showed a dimple on his left cheek.

The only thought that crossed her mind at that moment was what Hayami-san had said a few hours before. He really was a gorgeous man. 

[lovelylou]

since 2020 is almost over, i thought i’d share (some of) my favorite fics that made my 2020 a lot better.

[note: not all of these fics were written/published in 2020, although most of them are, there are some that are older, but that i’ve read or re-read this year]

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tastes like summer, smiles like may by outropeace

“Is this true?” Harry grabbed the beta by the shoulders. “Bryce, where did you hear that?”

“There’s rumors going around the castle,” he smirked. “stories about his beauty and his cold attitude. They know he is an omega only because of his scent, but he has never had a heat.”

“Do you know what this means?”

Bryce smirk grew into a big smile. “He can’t give you an heir.”

A cold prince, an alpha with nothing left to lose and a kingdom with a secret.

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But It's Useless by thinlines

“Hey.”

Louis was even hallucinating now. He closed his eyes.

“Hey, you.”

He chuckled wetly, head still leaning against the door.

“Can you get out of the way? You're blocking the door.”

He exhaled sharply before slowly turning around. His eyes fixed onto muddy Nike trainers before it traveled up to impossibly short jogging shorts. The yellow color was atrocious, simply ghastly.

“What happened to being polite, Harold?”

OR Omega Louis would never guess that he would be trying to hack into Alpha Harry's Wifi. That is until everything changes when he tries to get to know his enemy.

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haunted by the ghost of you by missandrogyny

He’s tall—that’s the first thing that registers in Louis’ head when he spots him, standing with his hands behind his back. Tall, with curly hair, staring at them with the widest, greenest eyes Louis has ever seen. And wait, are those dimples? Louis didn’t know ghosts could have dimples.

Because he’s definitely a ghost, this boy. At first glance he looks normal, standing there pigeon-toed in a band shirt (The Ramones, Louis can’t help but note incredulously), dark jeans, and some boots, with rings on both hands, and tattoos littering his left arm—a sleeve made of anchors and names and roses and other completely unrelated things. But he’s also a little bit translucent; if Louis focuses, he can see the outline of the furniture, the design of the wallpaper through him.

“Hi,” the boy—the ghost—says to Louis. His face shifts; somehow his dimples dig deeper into his cheeks. His eyes flit from Louis, to Niall, to Liam, and finally to Zayn, and his face goes from shocked to elated. “I’m Harry.”

At in that exact moment, standing between three of his best friends and staring at a (quite handsome) ghost, Louis can only think one thing.

Nick Grimshaw was right.

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On the Edge by zanni_scaramouche

Figure skating is as vital to Louis’ identity as his DNA, so when his skates go missing right before the last Olympics of his career there may be a meltdown only vanilla bath salts can fix. Well, that and the stupidly charming hockey player he met on the plane.

Harry’s too old to be the wonder kid and too young to be taken seriously in the NHL. As an alternate thrown in at the last second, he fights to prove himself on the national team at the largest sporting event known to man. Or he will, once he gets off this flight and can focus on something other than the fussy figure skater and his stunningly blue eyes.

A baggage mix-up skews both of their perfectly laid plans for gold, forcing the two to work together as the clock clicks towards the minute they’re expected to shine on centre ice.

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even the best laid plans by falsegoodnight

“Anyways,” Louis stresses, narrowing his eyes, “just let me say it and then rate how terrible of an idea it is on a scale from one to ten.”

“Alright,” Zayn agrees, sitting up expectantly.

“I want to ask Harry Styles to take my virginity,” Louis blurts, holding his hands out for emphasis.

The way Zayn’s eyes bulge is almost comical. “Negative infinity,” he says, voice choked. “Negative infinity times negative infinity.”

“Technically, a negative times a negative is -”

“Really negative infinity,” Zayn corrects himself, shaking his head wildly. “Louis, what the fuck?”

-

Or, Louis wants to have sex with someone and decides Harry is the perfect alpha for the job.

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The Compulsion to Find Love by Toomanytears

The most prestigious English third-level institution, Candling University, accepts omega students for the first time and Louis Tomlinson applies with bright eyes and brighter ambitions. There he encounters personal obstacles, traditional mindsets and a beautiful boy who inverts every prejudice Louis has ever known.

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Mine Would Be You by crinkle-eyed-boo (KimmieRocks)

Louis blinks his eyes open, his eyelids fluttering as the room swims around him. He takes several gulps of beer once he confirms that he’s definitely not hallucinating, that the very first portrait Harry Styles ever painted of him is hanging on that wall.

Louis stares at the wall, his heart jackrabbiting in his chest as he realizes that there’s not just one painting of him, there’s five, the portraits lined up like they’re some sort of storyboard depicting the rise and fall of his deepest love. His greatest heartache. A pain that cut him so deep that he left the fucking country, severing all ties with his life in New York, now suddenly surrounding him as if he’d never left.

Fucking shit motherfucker fuck.

Louis returns to New York City five years after he left it – and the love of his life – behind. He didn't intend to see Harry again, but fate has a funny way of pulling them together, whether they like it or not. After making a begrudging truce, they both start to wonder: Would it be so bad if history repeated itself?

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UN(RE)SO LVED. by daddyharrie

The ghoul boys are back, but this time around there are some unresolved feelings involved. Harry is a skeptic, Louis is not. Watch them go on their ongoing investigation into the question: are ghosts real?

Or, BuzzFeed Unsolved AU.

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Hate to Smoke (Without Me) by louhazpride

“For fuck’s sake,” he huffs, grabbing the pillow and pulling it on top of his head in an attempt to block out the banging coming from the other side of the wall.

It’s the third time this week that his neighbour has woken him up in the middle of the night with his little ‘rendezvous.’ Honestly, he's quite sick of it. There’s only so much sex he can bear to hear in one week and he has already hit his limit. If he wanted to listen to someone having sex, he’d turn to porn.

As if the noises weren’t enough, Harry immediately becomes aware of the faint aroma of weed filling his flat.

“I’m going to murder him.”

Sleep. Harry just wants one good night of sleep. However, his neighbour has a thing for headboard-banging-against-the-wall-sex every night. After a secret set-up and a bet, Harry may finally get the sleep he so much desires.

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Three Days in February by writing_practice

“We have to get out of here, outside,” Harry whispered, turning his hand in Louis’s grip to hold on and pull them both to their feet.

“And how do we fucking do that?” Louis hissed, carefully rising and pulling Harry to his feet before Harry could do it. His gaze darted to the front then back of the arena. “None of the doors are where they’re supposed to be.”

“What?” Harry looked around again too, couldn’t see any doors, only knew that they must be there, somewhere. “How do you know?”

Confusion slid over Louis's features.

“Because we’ve been here before, Haz. It’s the O2.”

The show. It must be the first night of their tour. They were too late; they were out of time.

Louis is cursed after a night out with the lads and the five have just three days to figure out what happened and how to break it before Harry and Louis both lose their sanity and maybe something more. Louis can hear everything Harry thinks and Harry isn’t sure he can keep his feelings for Louis a secret from his own mind.

Ridiculous amounts of banter and angst, a lot of Harry and Louis alone together, a healthy dose of OT5 friendship, and one very magical weekend.

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Coming Up For Air by stylinsoncity

It's a long plane ride to LA but sitting beside Harry makes time fly.

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I'd Give Up Everything Just Ask Me To by Rearviewdreamer

They don't usually exchange Christmas gifts, but this year is different. This year, Louis knows exactly what he wants to put under the tree to make his boyfriend smile. He just doesn't know how he's going to get it.

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bruise you like a peach by falsegoodnight

There’s two reasons Harry despises Econ.

The first is that it’s boring as fuck. The second reason is a bit more personal, a bit more focused in a way. As in it’s focused on one specific thing, or in his case, person.

His name is Louis Tomlinson.

-

Alternatively titled 'the peach fic.'

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Sometimes You Just Know by 2tiedships2

“Dear diary. Today is going to be a good day, and here’s why...”

“What are you doing?” Louis mumbled as he bit into a piece of toast.

“It’s been almost two years and today Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson reunite. Louis is very excited about…”

Louis’ chair screeched along the kitchen floor as he flew up out of his seat, quickly grabbing the paper from Niall’s grasp. As he scanned the page he found it amounted to lines of nothing.

“What is this?” Louis asked again. “We’ve discussed how Harry Styles will never be spoken of in this flat. I don’t care how long it’s been.”

Niall snatched the paper from Louis and proceeded to draw a line across the page before writing.

“Today is the day that he-who-shall-not-be-named is coming to dinner.”

Or the one where Harry and Louis don’t believe in soulmates… until they do.

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eyes off you by soldouthaz

“Just promise me you’ll do whatever it takes to keep us all safe while we’re in there,” Liam says.

Through the crack in the door, Louis can just barely make out the broad curve of Harry’s back, the slope of his curls as they tumble down all sleep-soft and lazy, and the sharp twist of his arm - all leading down to where he’s got his pointer and middle finger crossed over each other behind his back.

“I promise,” he tells Liam firmly, “I promise.”

--

or; a charlie’s angels inspired fic where louis is the brains, harry is the charm, liam is the muscle, and niall drives the getaway car - and zayn is there, too. sometimes.

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Welcome to The Rivalry by 2tiedships2

“Welcome home!” Niall yelled, clapping his hands in excitement. “Isn’t it great?”

Louis looked between Niall and the house, unsure how to respond.

“I don’t understand,” Louis finally managed to say. “Aren’t we a little old to be living so close to campus?”

Niall scoffed. “You’re only twenty-four for fuck’s sake. There is still plenty of partying left for us to do. What better place than one street over from where a car was set on fire after the Michigan game last year?”

“Is there proof of that? Did the car have Michigan plates or something? Is there a photo I can send in a DM to Wolfie?”

As if on cue, a Twitter notification popped up on Louis’ Apple watch. He had tweeted again.

Or a reverse You’ve Got Mail au inspired by the Ohio State/Michigan rivalry. Featuring duplex neighbors, (kind of) enemies to lovers, and an anonymous Twitter feud between omega Louis and alpha Harry.

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Cold Little Heart by seducedbycurls

Louis is a soft omega with an abusive past and an alpha child

A few months after getting a divorce, Louis meets Harry, an ex-military alpha wolf that offers him something -odd.

In exchange for teaching him how to cook, Harry will babysit his son, Abraham

Louis really could use the help.

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[longbobmckenzie]

⭐️ your choice ☺️

HOW DO I CHOOSE?!?!

Suddenly realizing I have no idea what I'm doing because I never watch director's commentary on anything. Just gonna make this up as I go along.

Okay, my brain is empty so instead of a selection I'm just gonna talk about ijac as a whole and what prompted it. I've mentioned this before elsewhere, but I kinda love talking out it! I came up with the idea back in June 2020, but was still in the middle of W&S so I tabled it for a later date. I was reading through some notes my cousin made about conversations she had with my late grandmother before she passed, and one of the stories was about meeting my grandfather.

She was 12 and he was 15 the first time she saw him (and he worked for the local bakery!), but she didn't see him again until 3 years later. He remembered her, and she fell in love. They married when she was 18 (iirc). So those 3-year increments and the love at first sight thing were what I had in mind from the start. Then someone made a comment that they wanted to see a fic where MC pined for Bobby instead of the other way around, and voila! The concept was born.

It wasn't until many months later that I finished my other fics and had time to really outline it, but a lot of my ideas (such as romantic pairings, friendships, certain scenes like the thunderstorm) came throughout that period. And for whatever reason, I decided I wanted to make it a super slow burn with an MC who's a fucking idiot and is too scared to admit her crush.

Thank you!!

Ask me for commentary on my fics!

[nyctophilin]

Maybe I Like You

@nerdyweaselpeanutperson​⤀ Hey there, hope you’re doing well~ Can I please request something smutty with seungmin? Maybe friends to lovers! and thigh riding pretty please 💫

Description⤀ Seungmin cared deeply for his friend this is why he never liked any of her boyfriends. The most recent one bothered him the most. However, maybe he wasn’t that bad.

All rights reserved © nyctophilin 2020. Re-posting, copying and translating any of my works is prohibited.

Pairing⤀ Seungmin x fem!Reader

Word count⤀ 3.8k

Genre⤀ College!AU, Friends to lovers, Smut, Fluff, Angst

Warnings⤀ dom!seungmin, thigh ridding, marking, excessive use of the word "jackass", bad grammar/spelling(maybe)

Pearl Note⤀ This took so long to write. It took me like a week or so. Also, I don't know why it got so long. I hope you like it. Please don't refrain from telling me what you think or if you have any constructive criticism. Requests are also open, just saying.

      "You know, sometimes I worry about you. What is such a handsome and intelligent young man doing without a girlfriend?" She joked causing the man to roll his eyes. 

      Y/N and Seungmin were currently in the library of the campus trying to study for their organic chemistry class. Seungmin was trying to study, Y/N tried to study got bored midway and now was tormenting the poor boy who was just trying to pass.

      "If you tell me what such a beautiful and smart young lady is doing with a jackass like him I'll give an answer to your question." Seungmin didn't move his eye from the book he was reading. Y/N frowned and crossed her arms.

      "He is nice! Just because he gave you a dirty look doesn't mean he's a jackass. And it's not like you are the most agreeable person there is." Seungmin looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Don't look at me like that! I'll never forget how you told that girl that her cooking is worse than eating shit."

      "She gave me food poisoning! And it didn't even taste good!" Seungmin raised his voice and got some dirty looks from the other students that didn't have a Y\N to bother them while studying. He knew that he should have been nicer to that girl but at least she wasn't bringing her horrible cookies to college anymore.

      "You never like the guys I date and you always call them jackasses. Once I called my ex jackass because of you. He never let it go after!" Seungmin smirked at that. Her ex was indeed a jackass. 

      It wasn't that he didn't like them. Some of the guys she dated were nice, the problem was that she dated them. He didn't know what to call his feelings for her. Love, like, just a simple crush. He knew however that if he wants to keep their friendship then he has to keep quiet about his feelings. At least when she is in a relationship but she never seems to be out of one. Every time she was going through a break up he will give her time to get over it and right before he could make a move she will present her new boyfriend to him.

      "I never like them because you always break up with them in like 3 months or so. There's no point in getting attached. It will only hurt me!" He said the last sentence in an exaggerated tone clutching his chest. 

      Y/N smacked his arm lightly while chucking and decided to go back to studying after. Seungmin was grateful for that since he really needed to study but also he didn't know how much more talking about her with other men he could have endured.

      Seungmin rolled his eyes at the sound of the other man's voice, an action that seemed to turn into a habit lately. He turned on his heels and smiled falsely at Y/N's boyfriend. What was his name? He couldn't be bothered to remember it. The thin guy was approaching him and he thought that if he were to fight him, he would surely win and maybe that jackass would stop bothering Y/N. Why was he trying to talk to Seungmin anyway?

      "Man, I was looking for you all over campus! Where've you been?" The man asked and put his hand around Seungmin's neck.

      He tried suppressing a grimace before deciding to answer his question. "I was in Biology class with Y/N and you know it. You saw me entering the classroom." Was he really as stupid as Seungmin liked to make him in front of her?

      "I know but I thought maybe you went outside to play some soccer after class. Oh, I forgot, you are a nerd!" The dude let out a disgusting laugh and punched Seungmin in the chest making the air leave his guts for a split second. Ah, here it was, the jackass was finally out!

      "Listen, I'm busy so if you have nothing important to tell me I'd like to respectfully ask you to fuck off so I can move on with my life!" Seungmin was already sick of this dude. How could Y/N spend several hours a day with him and not go insane he'll never understand. 

      The dude removed his hand from around Seungmin's neck and stopped in his track. He cleared his throat and lightly scratched the back of his head, his bony arm even more prominent.

      "Man, I have to ask you something important." Seungmin nodded his head a bit irritated. "Me and Y/N have been together for three weeks already and we haven't done it once man! I don't know what to do anymore!"

      Seungmin had a grossed out face for a few moments before raising an eyebrow. "And you are telling me this because? Do you expect me to go to her and tell her to do it with you or something?"

      "No man! I'm not an idiot!" Seungmin held back a sarcastic remark. "I want you to tell me how to get her, man! You know, tell me what turns her on and stuff like that!"

      Seungmin rolled his eyes. "How am I supposed to know that?" The dude started laughing but stopped soon when he saw that the pink-haired man was not laughing.

      "Don't tell me that you've been friends for so long but never done it!"

      "You are right, we've been friends! I don't know how you and your friends interact and frankly, I don't care. She probably doesn't want to do it because she knows how small your dick is!" Seungmin was utterly disgusted by the conversation he just had.

      Not only was he a jackass for telling him something so personal about his relationship with Y/N but he also was stupid enough to believe that if he had any tips he would share it. Why would he tell anybody how to make her feel good, how to make her squirm under them, how to push her buttons so much and hard that she'll beg for you to have mercy on her and give her any kind of relieve. 

      Fuck, he needed to stop before it would be too hard for him to concentrate on his classes. Without saying anything else he turned around and continued on his way towards the chemistry lab.

      It has been two weeks since Seungmin had that talk with that jackass and he tried avoiding Y/N all this time in hope that he'll see less of that dude. The two of them still hang out together, had their normal study sessions, had lunch together when their schedules allowed them and texted every day but he would start responding harder when she would bring that dude up or would refuse to walk with them to classes or cafes his reasoning being that he wanted to give them privacy. He had to admit that he felt bad for ignoring her because of that dude but he really couldn't stand him.

      Today, however, he and she were supposed to have a movie night. Seungmin wanted to refuse when he first heard her proposal but after she suggested they do it at his apartment he accepted it. There's no way in hell that jackass would come to his apartment. He also missed her. He never realized just how much time they spend together until he started avoiding her.

      Everything was set for their little gathering. The only thing that was missing was Y/N but there still were 15 more minutes until she was supposed to arrive. Seungmin went into the tiny kitchen to take the popcorn from the microwave and put it in bowls. When he returned into what was supposed to be both his living room and bedroom he heard the bell ring. He placed the bowls on a small table close to his bed and went to open the door.

      When he saw her he felt the air leaving his lungs. She was always pretty but she was unusually breathtaking that day. He invited her in and they exchanged small talk before deciding on a movie. She seemed weird. Did she catch on the fact that he tried ignoring her? She seemed just fine the day before at lunch. When he made a comment about the movie and she hummed in approval instead of whining about him ruining the atmosphere he knew something was up.

      He analyzed her for a bit before finally deciding to ask her if everything was fine. "Are you ok? You seem so out of it tonight."

      She sighed before mumbling a short "I'm fine!" and continuing to watch the movie. Seungmin threw her a dirty look before snatching the remote from her side and turning the TV off. "Hey, I was watching that!" Y/N exclaimed stretching her arm for the remote.

      "And I'll let you continue if you tell me what happened. You are weirder than usual." Seungmin extended his arm in the air making sure she can't reach it.

      "I told you I'm fine!" She raised her voice still trying to reach the remote.

      "And I don't believe you!" Seungmin also raised his voice.

      "What do you want me to tell you? You want me to tell you that I and that jackass broke up? That you were right about him? That I'm incapable of having a long term relationship?" Y/N screamed in his face, immediately after getting up and going into the kitchen. Seungmin paused for a second before going after her.

      "He broke up with you? Why? This is why are you mad?" He bombarded her with questions and she wanted to curse him for having such a small apartment. He wasn't trapping her against the counter per se since there were a good one meter and a half between them but his kitchen was so small that he was blocking the only exit. She shouldn't have gone there. She gulped before answering him.

      "He didn't break up with me, I did!"

      Seungmin gave her a questioning look. "Then why are you mad about it?" His voice was softer than before.

      "I'm not mad about it!"

      "Then why are you mad?"

      "I don't know why I'm mad!" She screamed again and tried storming past him but he caught both her hands and stopped her. 

      Before she could try to escape from him he hugged her tightly rubbing her back soothingly. Y/N sat like that for a while taking in his smell before realizing what she was doing and pushing him away and going into his bedroom. She sat on the bed and turned the TV back on continuing to watch the movie.

      Seungmin sat down next to her cautiously and sighed loudly. "When did you break up? Was it today?" He asked her being curious about their sudden breakup. They didn't seem to have any problems when he last saw them together.

      "No, it's been two days." Seungmin looked at her in shook. Two days and she told him nothing about it. Why would she do something like that?

      "Why didn't you tell me?" She decided to ignore his question mostly because she herself was confused as to why she didn't tell him. "Come on Y/N! I'm your best friend! Would you really keep something so important from me for no reason?"

      "Oh well, I was gonna make a new boyfriend and break up with him in two months anyway so there was no point in burdening you with my problems. It's not like you care anyway!" She was shocked with herself unaware of where did that come from.

      "What?" Confusion was visible in both Seungmin's face and voice.

      "You always say how my relationships last only around three months. This was just another one of my many breakups. I'll get another relationship in a week, you don't have to worry about me!" She avoided his eyes even after she finished speaking.

      "Seriously? You know I never mean that in a bad way. You just have the awesome luck to find jackasses that break up with you the moment the relationship turns the slightest serious. This time, however, you broke up with him. You are never the one to break up. Why did you break up?" He was furious but at the same time, his voice had a glimpse of concern in it. 

      He really was confused as to why she chose to end it with that jackass. Not that he was mad, this was arguably one of the best news he received in the past year. Y/N was visibly biting the inside of her cheek contemplating whether she should tell him the real reason she broke up with him or not. After sighing loudly she turned her head to look him in the eyes.

      "Because of you." She finally let out the thoughts she tried to deny for the past two days.

      "Because of me?" If Seungmin wasn't confused enough before, he was now. Was this some kind of joke she tried to play on him? Why on hell would she break up with her boyfriend because of him? As if she could read his mind she started talking.

      "It started around two weeks ago. He suddenly asked me if the two of us really haven't been in any sort of relationship besides friendship. When I answered yes he said that it must have been hard to be always together and never fuck which I found weird coming from my boyfriend. Then every time he'll ask to do it and I'll refuse he'll bring you up again saying that if he was you maybe I wouldn't say no. Then you started avoiding us which I didn't found weird since you had a lot of assignments lately but he started saying things like you doing it to avoid seeing me with him or going to jerk off thinking of me."

      She breathed finally trying to collect her thoughts so she could continue. "Suddenly our relationship was revolving around you. If I did things I did them because of you and if I didn't it was also because of you. What kind of boyfriend does this to their girlfriend? It felt like he was indirectly accusing me of cheating." Her voice was fading slowly turning into a whisper. "And all that talking about you made me over analyze some of our past interactions, made me think of you in less than appropriate instances, made me..."

      She couldn't finish her sentence because Seungmin leaned in and kissed her stopping her from continuing. His lips were soft and tender and the kiss wasn't rushed. He was cupping her face with one hand and with the other he was holding her waist one of his fingers rubbing circles into it. It took her a second to kiss him back but when she did it was like everything around them stopped for a few seconds. When they broke the kiss she felt empty without his lips on her's.

      "Y/N, I.." Seungmin was cut short by Y/N that grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and smashed their lips together. 

      This time the kiss was more rushed, all the pent up frustration from staying apart for so long finally releasing. She licked his bottom lip asking for entrance which he gladly allowed not wanting to be apart for even a second. Both his hands were now resting on her waist touching her gently compared to the way his mouth was devouring her's. Soon his mouth left her's and went down to lay kisses from her jaw down to her neck.

      He tugged on her waist making her straddle his hips and immediately pressed her to his body. He continued his attacks on her neck occasionally sucking on it leaving red marks that were to become marks later. When he bit on one particular spot she let out a breathy moan and tangled her fingers in his hair for support. She tugged on his hair and brought their lips back together in a kiss that wasn't rushed but it was passionate.

      Without realizing, Seungmin forced her hips down on his thighs, her sensitive core rubbing on his rough jeans making her whimper. He smirked in the kiss and raised an eyebrow, tho Y/N couldn't see that. Seungmin broke the kiss and Y/N moaned in protest.

      "Aren't you quite needy?" He teased moving a piece of hair out of her face. "Jackass told me you wouldn't wanna do it and I just assumed it wasn't your favourite activity. I guess I was wrong?" He moved her hips again making her bite back a moan.

      "Seungminie!" Her voice sounded like a plead. What was she asking for? She wasn't sure herself. All she knew was that her best friend and she were oblivious to their feelings for too long and she didn't wanna wait any other second.

      "Hmm?" Seungmin hummed looking at her through hooded eyes. "Do you need anything?" He was just as impatient as her, maybe even more but seeing her like that made him want to tease her. So what if he waits a little bit more? If he gets to see her like that it's worth it.

      She let out an embarrassed sound at his words. She wasn't in the mood to play games but she knew Seungmin. She swallowed her pride and watched him in the eyes before talking. "Seungmin please touch me!"

      The man smirked at her words. "Gladly." Y/N went in for a kiss only to be pushed away by him. She watched his confusion visible in her eyes. "First take your clothes off. I wanna see how pretty you are!" Y/N blushed at his indirect compliment before getting up from his lap.

      Seungmin leaned slightly back, his eyes following her every move. Trying to ignore his gaze she took off her sweater and let it fall to the floor. The black bra she was wearing was hugging her breasts just the right way and Seungmin couldn't help licking his lips. She took her shorts off next being left in her underwear that didn't match. She regrets not wearing something sexier but at the same time, she never thought that her best friend and she would end up in this situation. If she hated it, Seungmin surely didn't. He thought it was cute and sexy enough for something as impromptu as that.

      He made a gesture with his hand for her to come closer. When she did he put his hands on her hips and leaned in to kiss her exposed ribs. He let his tongue draw figures on her skin while his fingers hooked the side of her panties and pulled them down her legs.

      "Look how cute you are." Seungmin moved one of his hands from her hips in between her legs rubbing her with his palm. Y/N shivered and put her hands on his shoulders. "Come sit on my thigh." His tone was soft but demanding at the same time making her obey his words immediately. After she made herself comfortable on his thigh he put his hands on her waist and leaned in to kiss her.

      His hands travelled up her back and once they reached her shoulder blades he moved them in front of her gently cupping her breasts. She let out a moan into the kiss and started slowly rubbing herself on his clothed thigh. Seungmin smirked into the kiss at her action, his hands pushing her bra down to expose her full breasts. His mouth left her in favour of her breasts and he started kissing the space between them, purposefully avoiding any sensitive areas.

      His teasing was making her wetter by the seconds but she kept a steady pace of her hips. Without any warning Seungmin's mouth wrapped around one of Y/N's nipples and he let his tongue circle it making her shiver. Her hands went into his hair and she started moving faster on his thigh. Seungmin put one of his arms on the small of her back pushing her stomach forward. The new position had her clit directly rub into his thigh, a loud moan escaping her mouth.

      "What was that? Does my baby enjoy riding my thigh that much?" Immediately after speaking, he bit the bundle of nerves harder than he intended. The stimulation combined with the pet name had her ridding him faster chasing for her release. Seungmin sensed the change of pace and grabbed her hips abruptly moving them agonizingly slow.

      "No, don't!" She whined trying in vain to move her hips faster.

      "Why? You don't need to hurry. Or are you perhaps desperate to cum?" Seungmin started moving her faster while sucking marks on her neck. Y/N nodded frantically feeling a knot building in her stomach. "If you don't speak I have no way of knowing what you want." He continued his attacks on her neck occasionally tracing the distance between two marks with his tongue.

      "Yes, Seungmin! I'm desperate to cum. Please let me cum!" Seungmin let go of her hips and instead cupped her breasts in his hands fondling them.

      "Whenever you are ready, baby." Y/N threw her head back and started moving her hips frantically, chasing her high. Seungmin continued to suck on her neck and play with her chest stimulating her further. She could feel her release approaching with each passing second.

      She finally came when Seungmin flexed his thigh, drenching his pants in her juices. She fell forward, breath hitched, body shaking from the intense orgasm she just had. Seungmin helped her ride her high by rubbing circled into the small of her back and whispering praises into her ear.

      When Y/N opened her eyes she observed the TV presenting the credits of the movie she was previously watching with Seungmin. She was now wearing a hoodie, most probably Seungmin's and an arm was snaked around her waist. She turned around slowly and she was met with a smiling Seungmin looking right back at her.

      "Are you awake?" He moved a few hair strands away from her before resting his hand on her arm.

      "Mhmm." She hummed softly enjoying the intimacy of the moment. "What happened?"

      "You feel asleep. Did I really made you feel that good?" He teased inching his face closer to her's.

      She smiled and threw an arm over his waist snuggling more into him. "Who would have guessed that our Seungminie was such a dominant one. Do you have any more surprises?"

      It was his turn to blush now. He hid his head in the crotch of her neck and squeezed her body harder. "Let's go on a date!" He whispered almost inaudible and if it wasn't for his head to be right next to her ear maybe she shouldn't have caught that.

      "I'd love to!"

[bloody-bee-tea]

BeeTober 2020 Day 10

Chain - Rain

Day 10 of Beetober brings some Sangcheng feelings, where both of them are dumb pining boys but one accidental kiss solves all of their problems.

Jiang Cheng is very warm and comfortable, where he is resting. It doesn’t help with the general sleepiness, that Nie Huaisang is carding his fingers through Jiang Cheng’s hair in a steady and soothing manner, but Jiang Cheng knows that soon enough he’ll have to get up and get going, at least if he wants to be on time for dinner with his siblings.

And not being on time is simply not an option.

“I have to go,” Jiang Cheng complains, too comfortable to actually move though and Nie Huaisang doesn’t stop his ministrations either.

“Mh, sure,” Nie Huaisang absentmindedly says, his eyes glued to the screen and the fan that’s being painted at the moment and Jiang Cheng sighs.

He doesn’t want to leave, but Jiang Yanli is going to be so very disappointed if he’s late.

“Stop, Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng finally forces himself to say, and since he’s at it already, he sits up as well.

“Nooooo,” Nie Huaisang whines and Jiang Cheng pets his head.

“Make up your mind,” Jiang Cheng chides Nie Huaisang. “When I came over you told me to leave, because I didn’t bring Wei Wuxian and now that I am leaving you don’t want me to. Those are some strong mixed signals right there,” Jiang Cheng says, tries for easy and light, but the thought that Nie Huaisang had almost sent him away when he noticed that Wei Wuxian wasn’t with him still stings.

Jiang Cheng has noticed it in the past too, always tried not to pay too much attention to it, but it almost seemed like Nie Huaisang didn’t like spending time with just Jiang Cheng. At least at first. He always warmed up to Jiang Cheng over the course of their meeting but that initial disappointment is always there.

And it always stings.

Jiang Cheng tries to push those thoughts away, because right now Nie Huaisang doesn’t seem like he’s missing Wei Wuxian at all, and that has to count for something, right?

“Don’t leave,” Nie Huaisang mutters, still more a whine than anything else, and Jiang Cheng fondly shakes his head as he gathers his things.

“A-jie is gonna be disappointed if I’m late. You know that look she gives you if she’s disappointed,” Jiang Cheng says, still pleasantly sleepy, and Nie Huaisang nods his head.

“It’s the worst. She must have copied that one from da-ge, because they are the worst.”

“And you wouldn’t want to subject me to that, would you?” Jiang Cheng asks and he fondly watches as Nie Huaisang crosses his arms in front of his chest and pouts up at Jiang Cheng.

“No,” he petulantly says, and Jiang Cheng smiles softly at him.

“See,” he whispers and then—for reasons Jiang Cheng will never be able to understand—he leans down and lightly kisses Nie Huaisang. “See you tomorrow,” he says, forces himself to act as if nothing happened, and turns around to leave.

He goes through the motions, opens doors, closes the same doors behind him and goes down the stairs, but his mind is reeling.

When Jiang Cheng steps outside, he realizes that it’s raining and he finds it most fitting. He can try to drown himself in this rain, because he can never look at Nie Huaisang ever again.

Jiang Cheng just ruined the best friendship he has, and he doesn’t even have anyone to blame but himself.

“Fuck,” Jiang Cheng furiously mutters and tilts his head up, into the rain, because maybe, just maybe, he’ll get lucky.

When nothing happens, he finally forces himself to move, to walk away from Nie Huaisang and his monumentally huge mistake.

Jiang Cheng might as well wrap himself up in chains and throw himself into the next river; it would certainly be better than ever having to face Nie Huaisang again, that Jiang Cheng knows.

He thought he had himself better under control; he vowed to never let his stupid, unreciprocated feelings come in the way of their friendship and then he went and did that. Jiang Cheng knows that he can never apologize for it, can never make up for it, and the thought of not being able to spend time with Nie Huaisang anymore like they did today cuts him deep.

It’s just—Jiang Cheng is so comfortable around Nie Huaisang; he would never sleep with his head in someone else’s lap and he would never allow anyone else to touch him like Nie Huaisang does and now it’s all gone.

Because he ruined it.

“Fuck,” Jiang Cheng says again and he closes his eyes against the sting of tears.

He wonders if he can apologize for this; if they can move past this and pretend like it never happened, but Jiang Cheng knows the chances of that are slim to none.

Gods, Nie Mingjue is going to kill him when he finds out that Jiang Cheng kissed Nie Huaisang without his consent.

Jiang Cheng is in the process of imagining his very violent death at the hands of Nie Mingjue when his phone starts ringing.

He jerks in surprise, and almost drops it to the ground when he fumbles it out of his pocket, and when he sees who the caller is he has half a mind just smashing it down on purpose.

Nie Huaisang his phone says and Jiang Cheng wistfully thinks back to the chains and the river he thought about earlier. It’s time to do that now.

But again, his body betrays him when his thumb swipes to accept the call.

Jiang Cheng can’t bring himself to say anything to Nie Huaisang—doesn’t even know where to start, and even the apology is stuck inside his throat—but Nie Huaisang doesn’t seem to have that same problem.

“You stop right there,” he snaps and he’s using his da-ge voice.

Jiang Cheng still curses the day when Nie Huaisang picked up on that particular inflection, because even though he is not even half as imposing as Nie Mingjue, the voice has much the same effect on Jiang Cheng, mainly freezing him in whatever he is doing.

“Don’t move, Jiang Cheng, do you hear me?” Nie Huaisang demands to know and Jiang Cheng is so damn helpless against this tone of voice that he presses out an affirmative.

As soon as he agrees, Nie Huaisang hangs up, and Jiang Cheng is left staring at his now dark phone.

He wonders what that was all about.

It’s still raining, and to be honest, Jiang Cheng wouldn’t put it past Nie Huaisang to simply let him stand out here, until he catches a cold and dies.

Jiang Cheng thinks it would be what he deserves after what he did, anyway.

Jiang Cheng occupies himself with thinking about how his siblings are going to bicker over who gets to inherit what out of Jiang Cheng’s possession—and it’s a more entertaining thought than he imagined it to be, mostly because Jiang Yanli is just as bad as Wei Wuxian in his mind—but he startles out of his thoughts when someone crashes into his back.

“You idiot,” Nie Huaisang says as he slings his arms around Jiang Cheng’s middle and presses his face between his shoulder blades.

“Huaisang?” Jiang Cheng unsurely asks, lightly putting his hand on the ones desperately holding on to him.

He’s ready to let go of Nie Huaisang at a moment’s notice, if he should so much as stiffen with the contact, but when nothing happens, Jiang Cheng slightly relaxes.

“I’m sorry,” Jiang Cheng whispers when Nie Huaisang stays silent for too long and Jiang Cheng feels how Nie Huaisang shakes his head.

“No. No, you don’t get to do that,” Nie Huaisang decides and Jiang Cheng’s heart falls.

“I know,” Jiang Cheng mutters and tilts his head up, allowing the rain to hit him directly in the face again. “I know, I know I can never make up for it, Huaisang, but I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I never meant to do that,” Jiang Cheng admits, because he always knew that Nie Huaisang doesn’t feel the same for him.

And Jiang Cheng never wanted to force himself on Nie Huaisang like this.

“Shut up,” Nie Huaisang hisses and Jiang Cheng tenses. “Why the hell did you run?” Nie Huaisang demands to know and Jiang Cheng frowns, because he thinks it’s rather obvious.

“I kissed you against your will,” Jiang Cheng forces himself to say. “Of course I would run. I’m sorry.”

“Stop staying that!” Nie Huaisang yells into Jiang Cheng’s back and then takes several deep breaths. “It wasn’t against my will, so would you please just stop with this bullshit,” Nie Huaisang finally says and it only confuses Jiang Cheng further.

“It—what?”

“It wasn’t against my will,” Nie Huaisang repeats, a lot quieter this time, and he squeezes Jiang Cheng. “I’m in love with you.”

“No, you’re not,” Jiang Cheng says with a small, sad smile and pats Nie Huaisang’s hands. “But it’s okay.”

“Would you shut up with this bullshit?” Nie Huaisang bites out and Jiang Cheng has never known him to swear so much. “I’m in love with you, and you don’t get to tell me how I feel!”

“But—you always want Wei Wuxian to be with us,” Jiang Cheng haltingly says, because it doesn’t make sense. “You don’t want to spend time with me alone.”

Which Jiang Cheng gets, who would want that anyway, but Nie Huaisang is shaking his head again.

“I want Wei Wuxian there as a chaperone,” he admits. “Do you know how often I almost did something stupid like kiss you, and how it was only Wei Wuxian who stopped me?”

“Why would you need someone to stop you?” Jiang Cheng asks because it still doesn’t make any more sense and by now his head is spinning with the confusion.

Wei Wuxian has informed him several times just how obvious Jiang Cheng is with his crush on Nie Huaisang, after all.

“Because I thought you didn’t feel the same,” Nie Huaisang admits and Jiang Cheng shakes his head.

He breaks Nie Huaisang’s hold on him, but when Nie Huaisang makes an unhappy noise in the back of his throat, Jiang Cheng is quick to turn around to him.

“Wei Wuxian said I was obvious,” he tells Nie Huaisang who shakes his head.

“He said I was obvious, too,” Nie Huaisang tells him and Jiang Cheng allows himself to smile, just a little bit.

“Not to me,” Jiang Cheng admits and then he allows himself to believe this.

“I’m in love with you,” he tells Nie Huaisang, and Jiang Cheng watches as his eyes go wide and how the most beautiful smile takes over his face.

“I’m in love with you, too, so would you please kiss me again, so I can reciprocate this time?” Nie Huaisang asks, but he’s already leaning up, and it’s so easy to meet him in the kiss.

It’s better than before, so much better, because Jiang Cheng can enjoy this, doesn’t have to panic about ruining a good thing, and if he’s being honest, it feels like they have done this a thousand times, he just feels that comfortable with Nie Huaisang.

“Now would you please come back, so we can continue to cuddle on the couch?” Nie Huaisang asks once they part, and Jiang Cheng remembers with a start why he left in the first place.

“Fuck, I can’t, it’s siblings dinner tonight,” he tells Nie Huaisang who smiles cheekily at him.

“I have it on good authority that spending time with a newly acquired boyfriend is one of the very few cards that get you out of dinner,” he tells Jiang Cheng who narrows his eyes at him.

“You already told Yanli and Wei Wuxian?”

“Of course I did,” Nie Huaisang tells him with a huge smile and then fishes Jiang Cheng’s phone out of his pocket. “Check for yourself.”

Jiang Cheng does just that; he has two unread messages, and both tell him that he is excused this one time and to spend some quality time with Nie Huaisang.

“Fine,” Jiang Cheng says as if that is the worst thing that could ever happen to him. “But I need to change.”

“You need to shower,” Nie Huaisang corrects him. “And then you’re going to put on some comfy clothes from da-ge before you will put your head into my lap again so I can finally relax,” Nie Huaisang determinedly says and Jiang Cheng has to admit that it sounds tempting.

And he’s just in the mood to give in.

“Okay,” he agrees and presses a kiss to Nie Huaisang’s hand, before he laces their fingers together. “Deal.”

Nie Huaisang beams at him, and then drags him back home.

They spend the evening just like Nie Huaisang had said, except that there are a lot more kisses than either of them imagined.

It’s nothing to complain about, though.

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