#fuck ive lost a lot of weight im still not sure how i feel about it

[rockpapertheodore]

Woke up feeling myself ignore the pile of cleaning stuff look at the me

[bunnyboy-juice]

health related vent under the cut

oughghgh my heart suddenly got super weak and i felt nauseous and like i was gonna die and i wish i could trigger this shit on cue bc i KNOW it's not normal but when ingo the doctor they cant hear anything and I swear i am going to die because of heart problems bc everyone who hears mt heart beat atp (except my doctors) inevitably comments about how strange it is!! everyone who spends time with me who lays their head on my chest inevitably hears it!!!! but my doctos just tell me to lose weight!!! nevermind the fact i ABSOLUTELY have a medical background that results in heart problems bc I WAS FUCKING BULIMIC IN MY LATE TEENS AND WAS ENCOURAGED TO DIET FROM THE AGE OF 6 AFTER NOT BEING ABLE TO GAIN WEIGHT CONSISTENTLY THE FIRST 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE?!?!?!?!?!??? (funny thing is - i started gaining weight after i started being assaulted 🤪 so it wasn't like i was even healthily gaining weight i was just STRESSED BC I WAS FUCKING 5 YEARS OLD) like!!!!! my "dedault" eating cycle if i don't force myself to eat is literally starving myself!!! it is so fucking hard.for me to eat!?? but i was "obese" as a teen (read: I weighed 130-160lbs and am 5'2) and ive just gotten bigger as an adult (due to a combo of terrible relationship to food + getting a bc implant) so like. they're never gonna believe me. i have lost 10lbs this year w/o trying and they congratulate me and tell me to keep up the good work when i am very stressed about this actually. all my clothes fit wrong now. i was literally straining in a size 22 last summer and i am now a size 18 and honestly im not even sure about that (but i still have to have my clothing bigger bx when i get bloated my stomach doesbt fit in my smallee pants bc i do swell up 2 sizes bigger yes). but all of this is "normal" and "just IBS" and i "just need to watch for trigger foods and eat cleaner" even though i can barely eat meats (not by choice. i suddenly stopped being able to digest them well at 19), i cant eat a lot of acidic food - FUCK i can barely even have water sometimes. literally i have gotten horrifically bloated from 1 sip of water in the morning. my heart rate also SHOULDN'T BE SO FAINT I CANT FEEL IT regularly. i shouldnt be feeling like I'm gonna pass out often. i am working through the traumas of my lfie and i am still gonna dissociate through a lot of it now bc i am so disabled and no doctors believe me. my wife has literally seen how my body's deteriorated but she's treated like she's just overly worried when she comes with me (bc im fat. and it's CLEARLY just an issue of being fat even tho the fatness came AFTER the health issue started BECAUSE OF MEDICATION I NEED SO IM NOT ON MY PERIOD 24/7!!!!!). there's no real point to this i just almost passed out at work and had to stumble to the bathroom bc it felt like i was gonna vomit and shit myself at the same time (and i did end up shitting again. on a good day im lucky if i just dont have diarrhea every single time but today is not a good day). literally i looked like i was strung out from how slow abd soft my heart got. and now im like recovering and im just angry about it bc like. this isnt normal. this isnt even all of it, but this ISNT normal. g-d i judt wish a medical professional would BELIEVE ME

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

dude yknow fuck this im fuckin proud of myself like fuck my therapist fuck my parents fuck my teachers they didnt do shit to help me but ive done so much in my life like ive saved someones fuckin life and idc if that persons me i fuckin did that shit everyday and now im here and like i fuckin love life and im constantly angry and constantly in pain and things still suck but it feels like a lot less of a heavy fuckin weight on me everyday and like. yeah man. like things will always fucking suck all the time and ill definitely get to a point in the future where i disagree w what im saying but that wont be bc its wrong itll be bc i need someone to fuckin prove me wrong then. but im provin myself wrong rn. and likeee there r times i get so fucking angry at positivity bc it just feels so fuckin mockin yknow but thats just becauseeee. yea lots a reasons. but right now i am fuckin glad of what ive done n all like. nobody has helped me and ive had to work so goddam hard but. yea man. life is great. im realllll tired now and HAD things i wanted to say but ive lost em now too tired. but like LOOK AT ME. IM TIRED BEFORE MIDNIGHT. this shit rules. and likeeeee i have a million problems w a million friends but i have some real nice fuckin friends as well who im glad exist likeee. it takes sooo much energy to maintain these friendships n bein autistic sure as hell doesnt help BUT ILL DO IT ANYWAYS. bc i love people so so sososoo much and no amount of nihilism or negativity will stop me because i have been at my fucking worst and tryin my best to actively make everyone around me hate me and i just fucking love people so much BC IM FUCKIN HUMAN LIKE !!!! HUMANS LOVE HUMANS !!!! THIS IS JUST WHAT WE DO AND WE CANT FUCKIN ESCAPE IT AND I LOVE IT !!!!! IDC HOW OR WHY OR WHEN OR WHERE PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS LOVE N CARE 4 EACH OTHER DESPITE EVERYTHING AND ANYONE WHO THINKS HUMANITY IS INHERENTLY EVIL CLEARLY DOESNT KNOW WHAT THEYRE TALKING ABOUT BC WE R INHERENTLY FUCKING HUMAN AND TO BE HUMAN MEANS TO BE IN LOVE WITH THE WORLD A FUCKING MEN. the end goodnight sleepy times.

[thedragonofcauldron]

Im going to complain about something. It's something a lot of people complain about, but...from the other side. Part of me has wanted to respond to other complaints, to share my story as a show of solidarity from the other side - but I don't want to seem like I'm trying to make their conversations about me. So I'm just venting here.

When I started my current job, they had me do a physical, where they took my height and weight.

Today, about six months later, I weighed myself at home, and came up 15 pounds lighter.

And I want you to stop for a second, and think about what your reaction to that loss of 15 pounds was. Because chances are, you thought I was celebrating - but no. I've been sick, anemic enough to get sent home from work, and so bloated by the iron supplements that were trying to get my blood functional again that I didn't feel hungry and would forget to eat, and because of that Ive lost 10 fucking percent of my body weight- possibly more, because who knows how much (literal) shit is still sitting in my lower intestine and boosting that number upwards! My cheeks have sunken in. My belt has moved to the tightest loop. It hurts to rest my wrists or elbows on a desk surface, because the pressure foes right to the bones.

What I am is not healthy or good, and I want those 15 pounds back.

I have always been underweight and pale and frail. Maybe something is actually, medically wrong with me, I don't know. I've never deliberately tried to keep my weight down - on the contrary, I'm a lazy shit who eats too much junk. But even as a kid, I'd get compliments, people asking "How are you so skinny?" Through no effort of my own, people were envious of me - and as I look at my bones showing through my skin, and think of a PE teacher telling me that my BMI literally not existing because they didn't have that low a score on the chart was "better than being on the other side :)"

I am angry.

What I am, and have always been, should not be envied or idolized, because it is not healthy. It's always made me uncomfortable, being praised for something I put less than no effort into attaining, but as I sit here, exhausted and missing those 15 pounds because they were 15 pounds between me and starvation, I am angry that society as a whole is so God damn scared and disgusted by the idea of "being fat" that my shitty ass, failure of a body is seen as better.

No random person, teacher, employer, coworker, or doctor has ever suggested that my weight had anything to do with any problems I faced. I've never had my discipline or character or lifestyle questioned because of my shape, and it is fucked. Up!! That other people get that treatment because their body doesn't throw literally every calorie they consume onto the incinerator immediately! I hate that there are people, friends who are envious of my incompetent metabolism because other people are so goddamn shitty to each other about the shape of their bodies! People see me, with my bony ass dangling over oblivion, and ask how they can join me, and I want to cry and scream! You do not want this!

I hate how much society hates fat, and fatness. Sure, yeah, too much of anything isn't good for you - but you can die from having too much water in your system. Or be poisoned by goddamn oxygen. Bodies make and store fat for good reasons. You should not feel bad for having it! Skinny is not inherently good, and fat is not inherently bad! The shape of your body should not be, and IS NOT a reflection of your virtues or vices or values or VALUE as a person! Be kinder to others, and to yourself most of all! If you are able bodied, treasure that, no matter what shape or number is associated with it.

I can't. I can't erase the years, the generations that have layered on this hate and fear and cruelty towards the very concept of "fatness", and I can't pretend I know what it's like to be on the other end of the scale, where you're mocked are looked down on for just existing in your own skin. But. I just. I just want to say that from where my pencilneck is situated on that scale, I can also see it - the scale is fucked up.

I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't like this, that you didn't have to deal with this shit. I wish I could make it better. I wish I could help.

But all I can do is this - to scream into the void that I see you. I hear you. And you're fucking right.

Be good to each other. We didn't get to build our own meatsuits.

[b4byb4ts]

ive been gone for SO so long but i think i want to start using this acc as like a but of a diary type thing--

so.. last time i was here i was super deep in my ed and going through a LOT of shit.. since then i accidentally recovered from my ed, not as much mentally but i have gained,,all of the weight i lost back,, i eat pretty "normal" but i still feel incredibly guilty and feel like the "i never want to eat again" type feelings..

i lost one of my closest friends bc of my ed, and though it has completely destroyed me,, honestly it was probably for the best, its part of why i recovered. he told me he didnt think i would ever recover after he tried to force me to and i said i didnt want to, but after that we stopped talking (his choice not mine) and i at first took it as a "okay well im going to get as sick as i possibly can" but then realized that was what he wanted so i instead forced myself to recover fully out of spite as a big "fuck you" to him.. and i even tried to tell him thinking fkr some reason he would care. he didnt. i got a thumbs up and a good luck along with the most like.. "youre a waste of space" type of look ive ever gotten. and it COMPLETELY destroyed me.

moving on... i got a new job at a v popular coffee shop in my town and its absolutely amazing, everyone i work with is absolutely lovely and i just love it so so much.

I also got back with my boyfriend and ive never been happier in a relationship, im absolutely sure that he is "the one" like i trust him more than my own mother and im more comfortable around him than anyone ive ever been with before everything is just so so lovely.

not that everything has been perfect like it sounds though,,, im still not mentally recovered, again, better than before, but still not great,, i constantly crave my ed like i want to relapse so bad i just,, cant for some reason,,?

more on,, health,, mental AND physical,,, i got diagnosed with pretty much a chronic illness, i still dont know the cause for it,, like i have treatment for the symptoms but no clue what the cause is. i got diagnosed with adhd during my ed but that is,, obviously still there,, i just very recently got told by my therapist that she thinks i may be autistic,,, i looked into it and it seems VERY possible which is,, a lot to think about because i have no clue how to tell my parents or if ill even be able to get diagnosed,, plus ive got a TON of shit with my family going on,,, my dad lives in a different state but there's a LOT going on with him which stresses me out,,a lot.

OH one last thing -- i learned to crochet!!! i learned with,,, disordered intentions (i thought if i learn to crochet i will be using my hands more so it will be easier to not eat) but i love it SO SO much, I'll probably be posting a lot abt crochet now because its like,, all i do lmaoo

anyway, thats all ive got for now i think -- hopefully i wont just disappeared again (even though nobody actually reads this-) but if you are reading, thank u so much for actually caring enough to read all of my rambles <3

[thatrandomventblog]

of fucking course i fuck it up! i always do!

i cant get shit right can i?! nope! fucking damn near starving bcuse im tired of being refered to as a pig. fuck you too dad! i barely eat a single meal and you wanna call me a pig! like fucking hell get your shit straight. call me too skinny?! fucking FINE! ill try to eat some more! oh im sorry im stuck like this for the last several years! ik ik my weights fine im helthy but bully me anyways yeah?

fucking hell

i cant get shit done at all. maybe it would be better if i just dropped off the face of the world? nah and yeah. nah, itd hurt too many people. yeah, cuse then they wouldnt have to deal with this dumbass. ik i could vent in the server but idk i feel like sometimes im hogging it. like ik ik its there for a reason, but honestly id rather be helping everyone else. maybe im in one of thos moods tbh, it probably explains a lot.

honestly im scared im not going to make it in time. i dont wanna lsoe anyone else but every time i think that it makes me wonder, who did i lose? myself? my family? friends? who did i lose to make me so scared of losing others? honestly, i cant find an answer. maybe its being left behind all those times. being left alone. maybe growing up to fast i lost myself. i sure as hell am not the same kid i used to be.

younger me would argue with you if you said shit about someone i cared for. me now would rather kick your teeth out.

younger me would rather apologize and end an argument. me now would rather taste blood than admit defeat. then again maybe not, maybe im just stewing away (this is about biological family).

younger me would not be online and talking to people. me now, i need those people to survive.

theres just things that have changed. ive grown more violent, less paitence, and more pissy. and honestly its scary.

i wanna have hours worth of patience for my siblings

i wanna be able to keep my chill despite getting the living shit knocked outta me

i wanna be less pissy, be more stable than what i am now

but im not. i wanna change but idk how. ik people tell me im innoccent and kind and this and that but i dont feel it

in the end of the day im still gonna be a shadow

im still gonna be nothing

im still gonna be a fuck up

[ranvieranvieranvier]

MR. MAXILLA: To be faint, I have no clue how to, um. Go around placing footing in social standings either! Heh.

RANVIER: OH THANKS

RANVIER: I MEAN I COULD JUST TELL BUT IF I WAS STUCK WITH A GUY WHO HAD HIS LIFE TOGETHER AND COULD BRAG ABOUT TOUCHDOWNS AND THE BOYS AND HOW MUCH HE WINS AT TALKING I THINK ID STOP THIS MAD MACHINE AND KILL HIM MYSELF

RANVIER: I THINK ITS NORMAL TO BE PATHETIC LIKE IF YOU DONT TRY IT AT LEAST ONCE THERES SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU

RANVIER: AT LEAST IF YOU KILL ME WHICH WILL HAVE TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY ITLL BE A BIT FUNNY

RANVIER: COULD YOU IMAGINE THE MORGUE WHEELING MY DEATHHAVING BODY IN AFTER YOU SPIT OUT MY EYES OR SOMETHING EQUALLY UNPLEASANT AND AS THEY PUT ME IN THE WORLDS BIGGEST BODY DATABASE THERES A TAG ON MY BIG TOE READING TO NO ONE “CAUSE OF DEATH: SILLY DORK FUCKING LOST IT ONE DAY”

Mr. Maxilla laughs. As his laughter softens, the weight of what Ranvier is joking about clings to him.

MR. MAXILLA: …You seriously think I’m going to cut your lifeline short, though.

It’s not phrased as a question. It’s phrased as a matter of fact.

RANVIER: KILL? MAYBE NOT

RANVIER: MAYBE YOULL DO SOMETHING WORSE

RANVIER: I MEAN EVEN THOUGH YOUR BODY IS A FLESH MIMICK OF A PAPERCLIP YOU’RE STILL MUCH TALLER THAN ME AND MUCH MORE OF A PERSON THAN I EVER COULD BE WHO KNOWS WHAT SOMEONE AS LANKY AS YOU COULD BE UP TO

RANVIER: I THINK ONE DAY YOULL GET SO TIRED OF SEEING MY FACE AS SOMEONE ELSES, DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY WHO

RANVIER: YOULL GET EXHAUSTED AND YOULL TIRE OF HAVING THIS CREATUROUS REPLICANT OF SOMEONE THAT MEANT A LOT TO YOU NIPPING AT YOUR PANTLEGS

RANVIER: ONE DAY YOULL BECOME SO MISERABLE BY THE SIGHT THAT IT DOESNT EVEN WAY ON YOUR CONSCIENCE THAT IM IN HERE WITH YOU AND ITS PROBABLY JUST US TWO PIECING EACH OTHER’S SANITIES IN A BALL OF BANDAIDS AND TARP

RANVIER: MAYBE YOULL HARVEST MY SOUL TO USE AS A POWER SUPPLY FOR YOUR LAND OF JOYOUS JOYS, METAL PLACES MEANT TO EVOKE A FEELING YOU WERENT MEANT TO FEEL, BUILT IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN BOILING ALONENESS AND SEARING COLDNESS

RANVIER: WHO’S TO SAY WHAT’LL HAPPEN, SURELY NOTHING GOOD

RANVIER: NOT LIKE THERES SUCH A THING AS CONTROL

MR. MAXILLA: …

RANVIER: AND THERES THE AWKWARD SILENCE AGAIN HAHAHA SECOND TIMES A CHARM

MR. MAXILLA: Not prying, but… there’s a reason you feel this way, i-isn’t there….?

Ranvier’s face fades to a wide-toothed frown. They look at the tiled floors, seeing their own reflection between the chipped squares.

RANVIER: …IVE NEVER BEEN ASKED THAT BEFORE

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[shoezuki]

Tommy's prison/revival arc isnt well written actually

Anyways ive been wanting to talk on it a while for a bit here but havent had the Time or like. The thought to. But im gonna go off now.

First off im gonna say im ASSUMING this stream and plot of tommy being in the prison with dream is written entirely by tommy and dream. Wilbur May be involved in the latest stream but im not sure.

Bringing tommy back to life after only three days of him being dead did practically nothing to progress plot, the characters, or audience's understanding. In fact i feel that it damaged Other characters' potential and plot and already established plotlines.

The 'development' aspect

A really, really easy way to see if anything has changed or developed through an arc or plotline is to straightup just compare the 'beginning' to the 'end' in terms of the barebones situation. So;

Beginning: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream, his own abuser who has hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. He's terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

End: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream after being killed then revived by him, his own abuser whos hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. Hes terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

Okay. This is simplified obvious. But the point stands. ALTHOUGH the troupe of 'going back to the beginning' is common in the heroes journey its. It doesnt work here. Has tommy learned anything? Has he changed as a character? Is the severity of their situation any different? Have we, as the audience, learned anything new?

Im going to expand on that last point because i think it has the strongest potential argument. Technically for progression in literature and development of plot/characters, things can Change without them being Aware as characters. It can change just by the audience's perception changing or being challenge.

Slight example: i've been reading a webcomic called Your Throne. Its a fantasy/political drama about a noble lady who entered a competition with another noble lady to become the empress. The main lady lost despite her being a better fit, and the comic starts with the main lady trying to assassinate the empress. Its assumed and stated by the main lady that she 'ruined her life' and so thats all the readers know. However, later in the novel we see flashbacks to the competition itself and find that the two ladies were extremely close friends, neither wanting anything bad for the other, but it was the emperor himself who manipulated both of them for his own agenda. Those flashbacks gave us an entirely different idea of who the real antagonist is and completely changed the two main ladies' relationship. THAT is how the audience's understanding of the plot and novel can be used to change the entire story. We dont get such here though

Some things that were brought to light during tommy being dead/revived:

Dream is capable of reviving people infinitely

This was already implicated and assumed. The book dream has being a means of reviving people has been around Technically since schlatt's death. This just 'confirmed' what was known

Time works differently/feels longer in the afterlife

This doesnt really impact much beyond emotions and implications. If we had more insight into what the 'afterlife' is like beyond nothingness perhaps so. But really it just makes it so wilbur being dead for what feels like 9 years and tommy having been dead for 2 months appeal to emotions.

Wilbur is evil

This one fuckin sucks i cant lie HSKSHSISSGEGDV. Like i was gon go on bout it and i will but it jus sucks. We have nothing to go on besides tommy's word, no examlles of what Horrible things wilbur said could make tommy assume this, etcetc. Ill most likely make a seperate post on how this feels like we're just going to get 'wilbur is a horrible villain' type with him. But still. I feel wilbur Not Being Good isnt a new development.

Dream is going to revive wilbur

This doesnt feel new either, part because phil had wanted to revive wilbur before (ill get to that more later) and that tommy had kept dream alive/initially imprisoned him with the idea of him reviving wilbur.

Dream believes wilbur will break him out of prison

Okau this makes no sense to me actually. I cwnt understand How exactly wilbur would be able to do this? Or why dream believes he even Could? Mans been dead for like 9 years and all we Know of the afterlife is that its black... nothingness. How would 9 years of that make wilbur capable of busting the prison open?

So. Yeah. All in all this plotline hasnt done anything new, developed things, or altered people's perceptions. We just ended up back at square one. Back to tommy being traumatized, dream being 'evil' and horrible and doing villain monologues, and them being stuck together.

Other characters and plotlines

Im pretty damn sure tommy's revival fucked up a LOT of other characters' plotlines and potential development. Honestly i feel this has a lot to do with the writers not communicating with other ccs well enough. But Ill talk about specific characters from least to most fucked over in my opinion:

Sam

He's the best off. He hqd been there during tommy's death, had been close to tommy, had majorly blamed himself and his own mistakes for tommy's death. His grief and self hatred was actually really heartbreaking and well done. The attached character of Sam Nook being unaware of tommy's death and simply waiting for tommy to return was a really good parallel to sam's own grief and anger. like it really snapped sam the guy who cares for tommy and wants to do Right by him back together with him as the Warden of the prison. Mixed personal life with 'just business'.

I feel it wouldve been nice to have him like. Have more time to grieve properly and come to terms eith tommy's death and his own involvement/influence over the events. Him finding tommy alive again Could be a means of him like. Facing his own grief head on if done well.

Ranboo

Mostly in the context of him and sam's argument do i feel it got screwed over. The weight of them yelling at each other and trying to find who to blame and the implications that Maybe ranboo was the one who caused the security breach that closed down the prison on tommy just.... doesnt hit so hard anymore. Because how can there be blame and arguments and a 'who done it' mystery when tommy popped up all fine again?

Puffy

I dony know much of her involvement or how she found out tommy died (besides metagaming shhhhh) but i saw her monologuing of how they 'failed' tommy and like. Her whole 'he was so young we the Adults failed him' spiel is like........... inconsequential? Now??? Like no dont worry he died but hes alright now.

Philza

BET YOU DIDNY EXPECT TO SEE THIS FUCKER!!!!!! But actually though i want to talk bout how this ties into phil. A LOT. for Zalbr ❤. But also because i see ppl tying phil to tommy's death n like nah shutup u doin it wrong. Ill go off more in a Wilbur Post. But essentially: i dont like that dream is now going to revive wilbur. I feel they arent going to tie philza into this Despite phil having originally been trying to revive his son and studying on it and Attempting and Failing. But now suddenly dream can just. Say some magic words and Poof wilbur lives? So we're just going to Kill philza's revival attempts plotline and leave that hanging? This made his efforts seem pointless and Wack like oh why didnt you just Say The Magic Words phil????

Niki

I feel really bad for niki. She hasnt been able to do a lore stream during tommy's 'death' (she tweeted she wanted to but her computer wasnt working) and considering her entire character.... that shit is important. We seen it with Jack Manifold how tommy's death impacted Him considering he literally wanted tommy dead. And since niki is in a similar boat to jack of trying to kill tommy and it being her Only goal...... thats extremely important.

BUT. i feel there wasnt any communication. Did she or anyone even know tommy would be revived? Did no one consider they could At Least let her do a single stream on it? Like jack manifold????

We couldve gotten a Really good niki lore stream. I genuinely was so excited for it and i dont regularly watch her. But we seen it with jack manifold which is why i dont feel he got screwed because mans genuinely did So Good he could pop off with anything n i think it works in His favour. But now........ for niki. Canonically she never even knew tommy was Dead. So its like nothing even happened for her. Is she just supposed to continue on trying to kill tommy with no progression?

What i think would work

This is more me being like 'hey @ the dsmp writers let me in' type speculation sbosegussgs. But i was thinkin on a Really easy way to 'fix' this without rewriting lore and the streams.

Dream should kill tommy again now that he's been revived and Leave Him Dead.

More development for the characters who are affected by his death Especially niki. More time for grief and self reflection and development

A chance for the audience to figure out what the 'afterlife' really is.

Dream is supposed to be smart and a master manipulator or something right? Why doesnt he use being able to revive tommy as a bargaining chip with sam for his own freedom?

The audience would now Know dream's intentions with tommy better, that this death isnt 'final', but we could still see other characters' grief and reactions and coping without it feeling cheap. Ive seen some 'but people dont know tommy is alive so hes still dead in their mind' but that sucks imo.

We'd know more on dream's ability to revive people and that he can just Do It on a whim (which i think sucks but hey im trying) but no one else would know this canonically

Okay. Im done. If you read this. Thankyou. I love you. Hmu.

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

9. “Do you believe in soul mates?”

This was it; they were calling it quits. They’d been on and off each other for God knows how long - and throughout it all, they’d driven not only themselves insane over the years with the turmoil of their relationship, but the people around them too. It wasn’t difficult to observe the looks George and Ringo would throw each after John would make an insinuating remark, and Paul would ricochet back with one, perhaps more subtle, but just as bitter. And things would naturally only escalate from there, though few would dare to stick around to hear the real arguments, the real nastiness. It wasn’t difficult either to notice the tiresome eye rolls after they’d make up and were plunged back into their honeymoon phase. Of course, they’d never really outwardly stated that they were partners - after all, Paul had Linda, and John had Yoko; and that’s not even to mention that they’d never truly been sure if they were really together. They knew they’d had sex, but they never knew if it was more then that.

But there was something different about their breakup this time, it didn’t involve shouting, or crying, or desperate pleas to the other not to leave them, that would prove only to be followed by insults and orders never to speak to them again. No, this time it was simple, it was cathartic. It was a weight off their stooping shoulders.

Paul was sat at his kitchen table, a cigarette in hand, looking out of the window-door into his garden. It was a rainy afternoon in springtime - some strange sort of solace came from this, there was something comforting about it; perhaps it served, in his own mind at least, as a reminder that he had a fresh beginning now.

John was making himself a cup of coffee, black, as per usual. He came over, placing himself in a seat opposite Pauls.

They maintained that silence for some time - it wasn’t resentful, nor was it awkward, only it simply acknowledged that there wasn’t so much to say.

“D’you remember that time we bunked school,” Paul said contemplatively, “and we took our guitars and our little song book to the park,” he smiled to himself, knowing what he’d say next, “and then a coupl’a minutes after we got there, it started absolutely pissing it down.”

John smiled at this too, “Think we lost half the Lennon/McCartney anthology that day. The early years at least.”

“Well, the early-early years, I guess. Probably weren’t very good anyway.”

“Probably not.” John said, stealing the packet of fags from the table and lighting himself a cigarette, then proceeding, “Why’d ye bring it up?”

“Dunno. Just a fond memory I suppose.” As Paul took another drag from his fag, John smirked, “Didn’t I kiss you that day?”

“Yeah…” Paul grinned further at the thought of that, “we went back to yours and Mimi was out, so we opened up a bottle of…well, something…and then you kissed me. Big deal that when yer 16 or 17 or so.”

“Hm.” John hummed in agreement. “D’you want a drink?”

Paul thought about it for a second (or perhaps he just pretended to think, as not to look like an alcoholic), then said, “Yeah, alright.” Getting up and walking over to his drinking cabinet, he asked, “What’re we drinkin’ then?”

“Whiskey – neat.” John quipped back quickly.

“Bit intense for a rainy afternoon, isn’t it?”

“Not driving, am I?” he retorted with some sarcasm.

“Suppose yer not, no. Alright then - why not?”

***

Paul was at that stage of tipsy where you feel just about drunk enough to the let words that a sober you would never admit to, fall from your drunken lips. He expressed without batting an eye to his former lover, “You know, I never wanted you to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.” John remarked in a simple response.

“You don’t like me much anymore though; yer always fighting me.”

“It’s only cause I love you – beneath it all, beneath all that malice, I love you. I love you,” the next words crept from his throat slowly, “and I fuckin’ hate me.”

Turning to him, Paul said in a strained voice, “I wish you liked yerself more. I mean, ive tried for years to make you like yerself more, but I just don’t know what to do with ye.”

John said nothing, just taking another sip of whiskey, and so Paul continued, “Did you ever like yerself?”

“Sometimes – sometimes im convinced ‘m the greatest-”

Paul interjected, “That yer bigger than Jesus.”

“Fuckin’ Americans…” he muttered back, gaining a small hum of a laugh from Paul. “But d’you know – ‘m only confused when I say those things. That hate – that self-loathing – it’s still there. It’s always there, but y’know, sometimes it hides.”

“Maybe we could’ve worked out, y’know, had ye not projected all that hate onto me.”

“Don’t act like yer blameless Paul, alright? Ye never would have had me. Not forever. Ye got yerself the wife and kids you always wanted, and what’ve I got?”

“You’ve got Yoko.” Paul suggested.

“Fuck off.” He whined back spitefully.

Defeated, Paul admitted, “Yer right – I can’t blame you completely; you are right about me wanting a family, and im sorry. Im really am; but I wanted more.”

With slight slurred speech, John groaned back, “Fuckin’ cheers.”

They went back to that consolatory silence for a few moments, until eventually Paul remarked, “D’you know, whatever happens to us in the future, y’know, whatever ill say to you someday - and I know ill say something horrible - I just want you to know that im glad that I met you,” he joked, “even though you’ve never given me a moments peace, I am still glad to have met you.”

With his usual stark, self-loathing, John responded, “Yer life would’ve been a lot easier if you’d never met me though.”

“Wouldn’t have been as interesting though. At least you’ve given me a coupl’a anecdotes to tell at parties-like.” John grinned softly at the little joke, but there was something melancholic in that smile; not offended or hurt, but inexplicably melancholic to some degree.

After another moment of quiet contemplation, Paul asked, “D’you believe in soul mates?”

“Don’t know what I believe in anymore, to tell ye the truth.”

Paul discarded this, and persisted, “Well I don’t know if I do – but I think, if they do exist, then…” he was reluctant to say the next line - it was just so American, so cliche. Still he continued, “I think you’re mine, y’know.”

“Not Linda?”

“Well, maybe Linda too - I don’t really know, can you have more than one soul mate?”

“Why don’t ye ring up George on this one, seems more like his area.” John quipped sarcastically.

“Nah, wanted to know what you thought.”

John stubbed out his cigarette, and declared, “I think – I need another drink.”

Paul chuckled softly at this, saying, “Yeah gowan then – pour me one too, will ye?”

“Alright.”

This wouldn’t be their last argument, in fact just a week or two later John would have enraged outburst at Paul again, and then they’d be back to where they started. But still, it was the end of something. Though something died with that earlier argument, something else was revitalised or rebirthed with this subsequent conversation. Somethings lost, but somethings gained.

*** @johns-diqi requested this one, took a screenshot of your ask though just cause id already answered it for no. 18 as well. Hope you enjoy! <3

[y4mmyb0y]

in case for you forgot that im insane

im having a bit of a crisis today. I'm normally pretty optimistic about things and feel like i can change what i dont like but it really set in today how much i hate my life. maybe its better to accept this position. the image that i have in my mind of what my life should be like is nothing like what i have. I really just want to go to school, i would be good at it, i think i would be really good at teaching and researching but i dont have enough money to even finish a bachelors degree at my local school. I was honestly so sure that I could find a way to get there in a straight line but i dont think its like that. i feel like ive been ripped out of a fantasy kind of. nothing is normal nothing is easy. eating to housing to education and health my family my friends. nothing is safe. i want to escape to something simple and isolated. i wish there was a way to convey the entire list of difficulties but i dont think i can compile it even for myself. i havent felt this kind of internal strife that renders me completely unable to personally process all of my feelings much less convey them since i was seriously fucked up. i dont want to kill myself and i wont. i go to bed every night in the same room ive tried to die in written suicide notes in and bled in. i spend so much time in here i cant escape that. I could move my bed so when i sit up against the wall i dont have the exact same view that i had before i really thought i wasnt going to open my eyes ever again. but still my closet and room and this whole house are just stained. i cant escape with the memories that i have and i cant escape and bear knowing what that means for others so i have to keep going on this path ive envisioned but i think ive lost a bit of the fantasy i let myself get into about how this would go.

15000 and nothing for it. read and learn all i want, nothing for it. what do i want why do i care why cant i stop what do i do red lines no safety no rest I have nothing i just have weight to carry the ball keeps rolling when will it stop sleep isn't safe indulgence isn't safe. I'm not safe there is no escape and I haven't learned to love the suffering. thinking about suicide makes me want to be dead. a lot of things make me want to be dead. I'm afraid of death again. in a little while I will be okay. the past is permanent now is all that's real whos going to find me do I want to be found is it worth it it might be like the rest is but its so hard its so so hard. i think I would like to sit down and look at stillness for a long long long time replace everything that I know. fantasy again. read your problems now they are mine. they were never real. now they're real. its mine. why me every time I must be chosen right. is there help? even if its fixed its still broken scars memories but is anything even whole nothing is whole and nothing is broken right. its all just torture to the very end isn't it it isn't but what if it comes back it comes back its with me never left even vicious cycles right my body and my mind. i want shelter i cant make it for myself and I think that its fantasy. hopes and dreams. i can work thats all i can do for myself work. that's a little part of how I feel right now.

[hermannsthumb]

Hello!! If you're not too busy and are so inclined, could you do 24, 27, 37 for the fall prompts? For Newt and Hermann o b v i o u s l y. Thank u so so much!! Keep up the great work xoxo

24. Warm Sweaters + 37. Cold

from autumn fic prompts here

im cheating a LITTLE and not filling the “27. corn maze” part because I wrote it last year and im def not inspired enough to do another HAHA. and also...because I want to work towards finishing my @theloccent bingo card belatedly with Spooning and Huddling for Warmth. SORRY I TOOK SO LONG, ive had a weird summer and i just moved/started grad school last week, it hasn't been very conducive for writing. set ambiguously before they're transferred to the HK shatterdome

----------

“I must say, Newton,” Hermann says, “I believe I sorely underestimated your abilities.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Newt says, gloomily.

“You went above and beyond what I expected.”

“I get it,” Newt says.

“It takes a true sort of talent to screw things up as much as you have.”

“I get it,” Newt says.

Hermann is not smirking--he’s too angry right now for that--but he does have a somewhat unpleasant curl to his mouth that’s making Newt boil hot with embarrassment all the same. Sort of a sneer, maybe. “I get it,” Newt says for the third time. “I’m a fuck-up, I’m a walking disaster, I--” He kicks the front of the rental car hard with the end of his boot, relishing in the dull thud that echoes from it, and less in the dull pain. “--can’t even figure out how to patch a fucking tire.”

“Or drive,” Hermann offers, helpfully. “You can’t drive, either.”

“Neither can you, Mr. Speed Demon,” Newt shoots back, but he knows it falls flat. After all--when their connecting flight got cancelled, Hermann wasn't the one who insisted they leave the relative safety of the airport to peel out into a snowstorm in search of a hotel. Hermann wasn’t the one who insisted on driving the rental. Hermann isn’t the one who got them lost down some shitty little road in the middle of nowhere, with snow piling up all around them, and he definitely isn’t the one who got distracted behind the wheel trying to adjust the radio and didn't see a patch of ice in time and sent the car--well. The point is, they’re down two tires, probably an engine, most definitely their only mode of transportation, and sure as hell aren’t near any hotel.

Around them is snow as far as the eye can see. When they get home (and that’s if they ever make it back to the airport), Newt is requesting a transfer to the LA Shatterdome ASAP. “Well, Newton?” Hermann says. He’s bundled up in his stupid parka and more scarves than Newt even owns. Newt can barely see his face. “What’s your next brilliant plan? Build an igloo?”

Not a bad idea, at this rate; the snow is no joke. “I’m thinking,” Newt grumbles. His breath puffs out white in front of him. “Tow truck,” he says. “We need a tow truck.”

“Astute,” Hermann says.

Newt ignores him and pulls his cell phone from his pocket. No bars. Right, of course, middle of fucking nowhere. “Do you have any reception?” Newt sighs.

“I didn’t bring my mobile,” Hermann says.

Newt’s eyes snap up to fix on him incredulously. “You didn’t bring--?! What the hell, man?”

“I had no need for it on the trip,” Hermann says. “We’re meant to be at a conference. I didn't think we’d get lost.” He doesn’t even have the audacity to look ashamed. Newt debates hurling his cell phone into the snow bank in frustration, but decides against it, because it did kind of cost a lot.

“Unbelievable,” he says instead. “Fucking unbelievable. Fine. Let’s go find--”

“You’re not saying we ought to walk somewhere?” Hermann interrupts.

“What other options do we have?” Newt says. “Freeze to death? There’s gotta be at least a gas station or something nearby--I could find someone to tow the car, while you--” He looks Hermann up and down, from his oversized Oxfords to his twenty scarves to his pathetic red cheeks. Hermann’s leg gets stiff as hell in the cold; there’s no way he’d be able to make any kind of distance right now, and who knows how long they’d be walking. There’s also no way Newt’s leaving him behind. “Come on,” he finally sighs, and touches Hermann’s elbow tentatively. “Let’s just get back in the car. It’s warmer in there.”

Maybe he’ll go off by himself once the snow stops. Or maybe, if they’re lucky, someone will stop by and offer them a ride before that. “Only barely,” Hermann says with a scowl, but he obliges.

Newt doesn’t get back in the car right away, though. Instead, he pops the trunk, pulls out their duffel bags, and begins feeling around the backseat. They’ve only had the rental for a few hours, and Newt isn’t exactly the most skilled around cars, but he thinks... “What are you doing back there?” Hermann says.

“One sec,” Newt says, and when he tugs a little lever off to the side, the seats fold down. Another tug, and they fold back into the trunk, leaving the back half of the car entirely flat. “Oh, awesome!”

"Newton?”

Newt ignores Hermann and begins digging around in their duffel bags. He has nothing but a few spare sweatshirts and boxers in his own; Hermann’s proves far more promising. “Score,” Newt whistles, and pulls out two--three--four ugly sweaters. “Holy shit, dude, we were only supposed to be there for a night. Why’d you pack so much?”

“I like to be prepared,” Hermann says. “Which you clearly know nothing about. Hang on--” He cranes his neck around his seat headrest to frown at Newt. “Why are you--?”

“You’re a regular Boy Scout,” Newt interrupts. He climbs into the back of the car, kicks his boots a few times against the back fender to knock off all the snow, and shuts the trunk behind him. “Come on,” he says, unlacing his boots, “get back here already. I’m cold.”

Hermann stares at him.

Newt shucks off his leather jacket and pulls one of Hermann’s sweater over his head instead. It’s insane how much of a difference it makes--maybe Hermann has been on something all these years when he tells Newt he needs proper winter wear or whatever the fuck. He pulls on a second one for good measure, pleasantly surprised to find he can still move his arms, and then pulls on a second pair of his socks over his first. “C’mon, Hermann,” he says. “Time to share some body heat, dude.”

Hermann grumbles, and he shakes his head, and he tucks the hood of his parka down over his face (like being unable to see Newt means Newt will just magically forget he’s there), and then--finally--he turns back to face Newt again. “This is ridiculous,” he declares. “We must have other options.”

Newt lays down and stretches out on his side, blinking up at Hermann coyly. “You’re making it weird for no reason,” he says. “It doesn’t have to be weird, you know.” It can be perfectly natural--two dudes, who sometimes fight, and sometimes do things a little more amorous than fight, sharing body heat. That's all. “It’s just biology. Cats do it, penguins do it--”

“No,” Hermann says.

He comes to the backseat anyway. Newt likes to think it’s because he’s too irresistible.

“I call being big spoon,” Newt says happily, and he tucks himself around Hermann’s bony--and, at the moment, puffy--back before Hermann can protest. One leg, he nudges between Hermann’s, making sure not to put any weight where he shouldn’t; he settles the arm wrapped around Hermann at his waist, splaying his hand somewhere around Hermann’s upper abdomen. “There. Isn’t that nice?”

“Hmph,” Hermann says.

Outside, the storm rages on around them, snow piling up on the windows and frosting them over where it hasn’t landed yet. The last dregs of the heat in the car die out. Newt tucks himself a little closer to Hermann, inhaling his shampoo, the slight damp scent his fuzzy parka hood always has. Hasn’t the guy ever heard of dry-cleaning? “Feeling cozy?” Newt mumbles.

“You’re shivering,” Hermann tells him.

“Am I?” Newt says.

He is. Huh. Hermann turns over with a grunt, then unzips his parka and tucks Newt into it in one fluid motion. Newt winds his arms around Hermann instinctively. “There we are,” Hermann murmurs. “Let’s get you warm.”

The zipper goes back up with some difficulty, pressing Newt so tight against Hermann’s chest he can barely move. Hermann’s chin bumps his forehead. Newt looks up to find his wide mouth parted slightly. “I think I want to kiss you,” Newt says, surprising himself.

“Hm?” Hermann says.

“I want to kiss you,” Newt repeats a little louder, and that gets a reaction--Hermann’s eyebrows leap to his sweaty bangs, and his whole body stiffens. “Listen--listen. Uh. The best way to share body heat--you know--it’s stuff like that. Kissing, and--”

“I am not having sex with you in the back of a bloody rental car,” Hermann half-shouts. 

Newt wriggles around a little until he can steal an uncoordinated kiss from Hermann, landing it somewhere to the left of his mouth. He has better aim with his next one. “I won’t tell anyone if you don't,” he promises.

“We are not,” Hermann says, but the next kiss, he instigates himself.

They’re rescued half an hour later when a local knocks on the window and asks if they need a lift; the bed and breakfast Newt was so sure he was leading them to, as it turns out, is only a five minute walk away, hidden from view by some trees and the snow. “At least we had some fun bonding time,” Newt tells Hermann sheepishly in the lobby.

Hermann scowls, but to Newt’s delight, requests a single queen for them both.

[easytoforgettt]

im back for the 5th time

Hey guys, i think im back fr now. ive been “healthy” for a while now, i lost 7kgs, but it took me waaaay too long and i dont have much time. theres been a lot going on lately. ive my depression and anxiety back, ive got a boyfriend but hes friends with his ex and i dont like the situation im in with her being in the fucking picture- the picture would be way prettier with just me and him in it... maybe im not skinny enough? not pretty enough? i know that he loves me very much and i love him so so much, i would jump in a fire for him. but he still needa be friends with that girl. i would block anyone for him, why wont he block anyone for me? shes just a friend he says, shes suuuuch an important person in his life. theres been a little bit of drama in this situation, if any of you would like an in depth explanation i can give it to you, i need to get it off my chest. For now my plan is to get skinnt till summer, bc ill probably meed her in the summer and i need to be the pretty one, i need to be the skinnier one, i need to be the baddest bitch that i can in front of her, bc lets be real- no one likes to look worse than their bfs ex, and i fucking wont. the fact that he doesnt understand why i dont like them being friends.... sometimes i wonder if hes actually blind as to how i feel or if he just acts like he dont see it just so he can have things his way. why is she so fucking important. shes the only one i have a problem with... anyways, about other things- im maybe going to therapy next week but im not really sure, (TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM) ive relapsed and my bf saw it, lately ive also had extreme anxiety and panic attacks at night and he saw all of them, im scared that he wont want to deal with me so im getting help. maybe i dont love myself but i love him and i dont want to hurt him because of my mental health. well, i want to fix everything except my ed rn. i need to get skinny first and then i can go and recover. people always tell me that im stupid for thinking that way but i think its a great plan. why? you might ask. well, you see, im extremely overweight and on the verge of being obese, if i manage to lose weight and potentially almost become underweight and then go to recovery i might gain some of it back but i still wont be as fat as i am now. if i go to recovery now and im stil overweight and start eating so much again ill probably gain everything back and become obese. idk does that make sense? it makes sense to me. ive gotta say it tho, living alone is amazing. i can go a whole day without eating and i dont have to hide it, theres no one here to see it and i love it. its hard with my boyfriend around but thank god we almost always eat healthy. studying is killing me atm tho, theres waaay too much to do now but at least i distract myself from eating this way. when im stressed i also get nauseous.. my only problem is excercise, i hate it, but i have to start working out. today ill try to go for a run. my boyfriend wants to lose weight too and its scaring me bc hes a skinny white boy and im fat. im also a little bit taller so i feel humongous around him already, if he becomes anymore skinnier im gonna dieeeee. i need to catch up to him. god this is all going on my nerves smh. ill try to write here more often now, i noticed that writing makes me more motivated and when i write here what i want to do i feel like i actually have to do it or else i have lied to you and i dont lie. so ill go for a run today, see you tomorrow loves. stay safe, recover

[mollydollyjournals]

It's March 2nd and I'm 157lbs. I'm on my period so that's partly to blame, but then there's also the fact that I drank quite a bit on Feb 28th, and binged. A lot.

I decided I'm going to try to do 30 days of no alcohol. Or maybe all of March, idk. Given that the last day I drank was the day before march 1st it's kind of nicely rounded off so I'll see. But realistically, it's a really long time for me. I might only make it a week. Who knows. I want to say something to my friends and properly document if and stuff, but I'm afraid of failing. I'm already known for being flaky and not following through. I don't want people to just never take me seriously. I even feel nervous about that here, but I should remember this is literally supposed to be an anonymous blog where I can talk about the stuff that troubles me that I can't talk about elsewhere. Alcohol will also tie into food and weight stuff anyway.

I can't remember what I last said here...I know I said about doing loads of cleaning as a workout, and that I wasn't sure if I should try a higher intake with more exercise seeing as I never actually lose anything. Anyway, that. And also that Im basically permanently on a higher antidepressant dose now, which helps me with my energy levels. I hope it doesn't fuck with my metabolism too much more.

So I bought an A5 ring binder planner thing and I decided to use it as a proper weight loss and food diary. They're so damn expensive - I normally get scrapbooks or sketchbooks and use them as kind of joint planner/journal/sketchbook/whatever, but I wanted something where I could easily rearrange the pages. I love cute stationery so whenever I need to motivate myself to do something it's always good for me to do something decorative.

I think I'm going to base the contents kind of on something like this but I want a different look to it and also some different actual contents. I also won't commit to 90 days because I know I do better with smaller increments, and 30 days is already a lot. Or 31 or whatever. I really love the look of Milkjoy planners but they only make them in A6, and sometimes they have sweets as decorative stuff, which I love but I don't want anything that might make me crave junk food. So I'm staying away from food motifs unless it's lemons or carrots or something.

I'm going to have an initial section with info and stuff to reference, so I'll have a list of meal ideas and their nutritional info, a collection of recipes, a place to write out a weekly meal plan (and maybe make a grocery list? But I tend to use my phone for that irl so maybe I won't bother), and a list of various workouts that I could do. Then something relevant to me like nutritional goals (eg calorie limits, protein etc) and places to record my weight, measurements, body fat, overview stuff like that. Then the daily pages with all the stuff I want to do each day and whether I actually do them, weight, food intake etc. Maybe a recap page at the end of each week.

I'm also tempted to put a thinspo section in my info bit at the front, but to do that I'd have to arrange a load of photos to be printed and actually go print them out. My laptop is kind of dead so it'd have to be from my phone which I don't like doing. But then also if I'm gonna keep doing this sort of planner I'd like to draw myself up some proper graphics to print out so I'd have to print stuff anyway eventually. But then to do that I need my laptop working. Idk.

So. It's really my last chance to make any kind of change before my birthday. I feel like I should just push harder at restriction and stuff, but recent experience tells me that's not working. I kind of have nothing to lose (except 52lbs) by trying something else. The idea is I go for a standard "diet" amount of food, so like in the 1000-1500 range, but I do a lot more exercise. This is kind of what I meant to do when I first started this account, but I'll have more exercise this time. When I started this page all I could do was light cardio (see Reps to the Rhythm on YouTube, he's great for when you can't do intense workouts but want to do something) and light stretches and just all light stuff - now with less alcohol and more Prozac I'm able to do a lot more. At least I hope I still am. Going by the cleaning and stuff I did recently, I think I can start doing more in terms of workouts. Idk. I'll have a base amount of food to eat and only eat more if I start getting too weak or tired to do my workouts - essentially, the priority will be having the energy to exercise, rather than restricting my intake.

This is why staying away from alcohol will tie into it a lot. I'm past bad withdrawals so at this point not drinking will help my energy levels and metabolism etc. Today is the 2nd day since I drank, and I don't feel terrible, which means I haven't made myself really sick again. Thank fuck. I drank too much and I started feeling not great and I was scared I'd fucked up again. Last time it took 2 days for me to get really ill so I've been nervous. But I think I'm past the risk zone now.

I do still feel sick and a bit tired. But I think that's also due to my period. I always feel terrible on my period. I'm going to do what I can but I need to know not to push myself too much. If I do that I get exhausted and have to rest and recover and it ends up worse than if I just stayed gentle with myself. Today Ive put my laundry up to dry and I'll try to do something else again later, idk what. But I'll also keep building my planner. All these bits of advice to myself will go into it. I'll write out all the stuff I've been thinking so that it's all in one place and I don't have to remember it all or go between different sites and pages looking for it. I'll move some things around in my studio and make space for my exercise bike because I think I can start on that again soon, and space for proper upper body workouts. I might even set up a PS2 in the lounge so I can play DDR again. Idc what year it is, that is the best HIIT I've ever done and I miss it and I lost so much weight when I used to play it. So I should build myself up to be able to do loads of exercise and see how my body changes - I know that even if I don't lose weight, I'll look better and less flabby and gross. But we'll see how that all goes.

[wickymicky]

ive been feeling lately that im not sure i’ll ever transition. like idk if i’ll ever come out publicly. i dont want to. im certainly not ready for that now, and like partly because i still dont know what id even necessarily come out as. and its okay if i dont know, but obviously people are gonna ask. not everyone will think it’s okay if i don’t know, lol. and like.... idk. my friends will know. i’ll be me online, like here on this blog. but i’m not sure i’ll ever transition publicly. my sister is trans and is transitioning, on hormones, wearing clothes that express her gender better, that she never used to wear before, so she’s making a lot of changes and becoming happier for it. and going by her new name publicly now, which previously she wasn’t, i was one of the only people who knew it. but i can tell that that’s not me. 

whether i’m a girl or like none binary with left girl... either way... a transition for me wouldnt really involve changes to my physical appearance, except i guess taking hormones and shaving my face all the time instead of lazily letting my facial hair grow out even though i hate it and i think it looks and feels bad to have. but like... i wouldnt grow my hair out... i had long hair when i was in high school, longer than plenty of cis girls i was friends with haha. and eh, been there done that. no thanks. i dont wanna change how i dress because tbh i dress like... nothing. like really plain. the plainest things. and i wouldnt change that lol, i dont care. that’s a personality thing, not a gender thing. if i was born a cis girl, i feel like i would look exactly like i do now, dressing the same and with the same haircut. and on a cis girl, that might be very visibly queer haha, but.. i’m not a cis girl. so i dont even know what a transition would like... be. hormones i guess, but tbh i dont feel like they’d do a lot for me. 

testosterone makes afab people change in very noticeable ways, sometimes very fast, they start growing facial hair, building muscle differently, and their voices change. estrogen wouldnt change my voice, alter my overall shape all that much, or make facial hair stop growing. id get boobs i guess, but like, shrug, if that’s the only thing i would be doing it for, then it’s probably not what’s right for me. estrogen does make a lot of trans women feel a lot better about themselves and im not knocking that lol, i’m just talking about how this all pertains to me. top surgery for trans guys is relatively simple, they have a thing that they dont want and it can be removed relatively easily. i know it’s not actually easy, it’s expensive and hard to get and there’s always gonna be risk involved with stuff like that, but like compared to trans surgeries involving genitals, it’s a relatively simple one right? i think most trans guys who have top surgery dont necessarily have bottom surgery in any way, but just that first one, top surgery, makes such a noticeable visible difference and is a great weight off their shoulders, pun intended. im not interested in bottom surgery either, like, i mean im not wild about my thing, but im not interested in doing anything with that. but i dont have anything to chop off above my waist lmao, only things i think it would be neat if i had, haha. so basically what im saying is.... the list of changes i would even make to my physical appearance is like.... actually really small. and not because i love myself and am content with everything, cause im not. sigh. i just wish i had been born as a cis girl from birth. testosterone is too powerful and i wish it never ran amok through my body lmao, cause like i cant really undo all the stuff it did, not easily anyway. and the ways that we can undo those changes... arent things that i would be comfortable with. so im just left.... uncomfortable. that’s why trans guys transition so drastically... testosterone really fucks you up hahaha

hmmm. idk. i feel like the only thing a transition would really entail for me, at this stage in my life, is just people calling me Gwen in person. and using they/them or she/her, i guess. but i dont think i’m ready for that. that thought scares me. ive heard it sometimes in person, via my boyfriend (who is also trans, and transitioned before we started dating), and that can be nice, but i dont think im ready for my family or strangers to call me Gwen. i like it online because none of you know what i look like. i can be myself because none of you have preconceived notions about me... all you know is what you see when i say things online, which is great. in person though, im not sure im ready to handle the judgment and confused looks and suffer through every time someone goes “Wi- uh, i mean Gwen” like my mom still does with my sister. she’s trying, but she calls her her deadname like 50% of the time or more, and like i just.... idk. obviously she calls me my birthname too, because she doesnt even know my new name, but the fact that she doesnt know it means that it doesnt really bother me when she calls me my birthname. if she knew it, and said my deadname, even by accident, it would just be like... idk... a whole thing.... you know? i wouldnt correct her necessarily, not all the time anyway, but she might correct herself and idk that just seems like something i would feel really awkward experiencing, i dont think im ready for all that. especially cause like... and this is the big reason..................................... i dont feel like Gwen. not physically, anyway. i feel like Gwen when i’m online cause i can just *be* Gwen, but physically... if im in my room, by myself, it’s fine, but when i’m around people i *really* don’t feel like Gwen. because i havent transitioned i guess, but like... idk. i just really dont wanna draw too much attention to myself. i talk a lot on here, but i’m an anxious person, i’m shy, i’m very introverted, etc. 

idk, i think i had more to say, but this is just kind of a ramble, and i lost my train of thought. i think im done for now lol. i’m just venting. you dont need to message me and console me or anything, i’m not doing bad right now, i’m doing fine. i’m just thinking out loud. but im not distraught or whatever, dont worry haha. and this isnt stuff that it like hurt to admit... cause its stuff ive been thinking about for a long long time haha. so yeah dont worry, im okay. im just posting this because it helps to get thoughts out of your head, you know?

[just-zenitsu]

Zenitsu should've had an arc where he slowly learns how to love himself with the help of his friends and realizes he's not weak and has worth and doesn't deserve pain and doesn't deserve to be treated like shit- I just want him to have some shred of confidence please please please please please ple-

ok so every time i had an ask like this ive always just said ‘but look at the bright side! what are hc and aus for! gotoge had problems,, etc etc’ and i feel like ive always just glossed u guys over and maybe even made it seem like these opinions dont matter so im gonna take the time to try and answer this a smidge seriously (under read more bc its long, also im not tagging bc tumblr might fuck up the formatting again rip) (also warning for manga spoilers)

(also disclaimer sdjfhksd i havent read the manga! so im gonna go off of other people’s claims about zenitsu having wasted potential. and to be fair ive read the few last chapters, or at least PARTS of them) 

im not new to having a favorite character whose more or less claimed to have had a lot of potential but losing it in canon bc of, for a lack of a more general term, ‘’bad writing’’. and im not saying kny has bad writing, i dont think im one to judge that JUST yet but for comparison yall should know that i have a fav character in another series that is written so badly that he has the personality of cardboard and was only given life thanks to fanon content. and i dont blame people when they say they dont like said character! its the same as zenitsu, only that this guy, this yellow idiot, actually has a much more solid grasp on how he acts/feels/does things! but more often than not, this linear perspective does damage to how deep his character actually goes, thus just making him the stereotypical ‘pervert’ in an anime. ive seen people say that he’s just the same as mineta!!! which is just. very sad for me

i understand why they’d think like that though, maybe there wouldve been a difference if kny became more popular b4 bnha, but who knows! anyways, back to zenitsu. now, i understand if people ever found his actions uncomfortable or annoying! but when people say that he’s just a crybaby and that he’s literally just dead weight that’s when i get,,, well, iffy. and this is kinda where the frustration comes, we see zenitsu overcoming these obstacles off screen, apparently it was even only just mentioned in a passing comment that zenitsu had stopped having to fall asleep to do missions and cried less when he was going on solo missions. these are the tidbits that i wish was shown more explicitly in canon, showcasing his growth and such. MAYBE it was touched upon once kaigaku came up, but thats another problem, literally kaigaku only showed up once in a flashback and then suddenly he’s a demon? sure a brief flashback that showed him being in gyomei’s orphanage wouldve been enough to put some light, but i think there was still some things that wasnt touched upon when we discuss how kaigaku was portrayed in canon. i think he’s even MORE misunderstood compared to zenitsu. they have (arguably) been in the same situation in their childhood, have drastically different personalities and dealt with it in their own way, but in the end i think he was just used so that zenitsu had a big bad he had to defeat. i think there wouldve been more impact if we were shown thunder fam interacting more, imagine how cool that wouldve been, ESPECIALLY if kaigaku just wasnt thrown into the manga and was given a chance to interact with kamaboko before hand. just, a lot to think about.

and now we have what happened in the last few chapters, w tanjirou becoming a demon and after all that zenitsu just says something along the lines of ‘ill make u pay for hurting me and my future wife (nezuko)’ which sucks to a degree. but count the fact that gotoge was inching towards zennezu, as i mentioned in a previous post, he was worried about nezuko getting hurt by tanjirou. im also a bit disappointed that he didnt really do much in terms of, well, caring for tanjirou, but one GOOD thing that i really liked happening was in the previous chapters bEFORE tan got turned to a demon, the part w him assuring inosuke that he can still hear tanjirou’s heartbeat, and then consecutively screaming at tanjirou that he had to stay alive, he went as far to say that he hears nezuko’s human heartbeat and that he has a family to return to, which was, surprise surprise, apparently somewhat a LIE! i cant confirm this unfortunately since ive long since lost the explanation but someone said that zenitsu wasnt actually able to hear nezuko’s heartbeat then, meaning he lied for tanjirou’s sake bc he knew that if he’d pull through something, he’d pull through it for nezuko. (there’s also that part where zenitsu fought hard to keep this family alive since well, he doesnt have one to return to, which is just. ouch) another thing i liked about this part is that he wasnt!!! crying!!!, but both inosuke and tanjirou were and dont u just love the irony. dont u just love it when zenitsu, resident crybaby of the demon slayer corps, is the one who shouts at the both of his friends, who are usually the ones pushing him, yelling at him to stop sniveling and fight, to raise their chins up and to not give up? i think these few moments are JUST ABSOLUTELY TASTY. 

but. unfortunately, they are glossed over once we have what happened in chapter 203.

tl/dr; zenitsu’s character is something much more than a crybaby who’s a pervert and annoying. these points overshadow the fact that he’s a kind person, who was willing to protect nezuko despite knowing she was a demon just BECAUSE he trusted tanjirou that much and that he had a kind sound! he’s willingly THROWN HANDS when someone talked bad about kaigaku, a person he ADMITTED HE HATES, because he respects them as a person! zenitsu is much more than a crybaby who’s a pervert and annoying. if only canon were able to explain much more clearly than these few tidbits that we were given.

//im crying at the club im so sorry this is so long oh god oh fuck. anyways ive been disappointed time and time again and ive long since really stopped looking forward to the best to my fav characters and ive been p negative in previous fandoms so its why i avoided complaining like this in this blog but yeah kjfhkjsdf thank u for reading,,,