#getting angry over a CHILD who’s experienced extreme amounts of trauma

[nonbinarylesbianherb]

people when the 15 year old girl who was manipulated and groomed into child marriage and marital rape doesn’t say the perfect, most mature, best response to everything possible: 😡😡😡🤬🤬

[missmentelle]

What makes a codependent relationship? Is it healthy for someone to rely on you as a constant source for support, talking all the time? Getting seperation anxiety and experiencing extreme stress when they are without you? Is it selfish to not necessarily reciprocate that stress?

Let's start by defining what a codependent relationship is.

In a codependent relationship, one person (the codependent) consistently enables the dysfunction of another person, often assuming a "caretaker" or "protector" role. The dysfunctional person usually struggles with a serious issue that may make it difficult for them to function on their own - often addiction, mental illness, or serious underachievement/irresponsibility - and the codependent partner will make extreme personal sacrifices to take care of this person and shield them from the consequences of their actions.

Codependent relationships aren't always romantic relationships - they can be found between friends, parents/children, coworkers, other family members, or any other type of relationship. Wherever they exist, are very unhealthy for both of the people involved in them. The codependent person focuses so heavily on the dependent person's needs that they entirely neglect their own, while the dysfunctional person is enabled to continue being dysfunctional and is often prevented from making any kind of progress toward recovery.

Common traits of codependent people include:

a fear of being alone. They often seek out relationships with people who will depend on them and encourage that dependency to ensure that the other person will not leave them.

extreme fixation on the feelings and needs of others. They often view their own needs as unimportant or secondary and prioritize the needs of others, even when this has not been asked of them.

a compulsive need to "fix" the problems of others. when they see a person who is struggling, they feel the overwhelming need to step in and start "fixing" the situation, even if doing so is not their responsibility.

low self-esteem. They often have chronic issues with self-esteem, and don't feel that they "deserve" to have their own needs prioritized. Their self-esteem is often tied to their ability to maintain their caretaking role at all costs, even when it is incredibly harmful to them.

controlling and perfectionist tendencies. Codependent people often struggle to cope when they don't have high amounts of control in their relationships, or when things aren't done "just so". They gravitate towards caretaking roles where they have high amounts of control, and struggle to let go.

external locus of control. They often feel powerless in their lives, and feel that they simply have to accept their circumstances and the way that others treat them.

high capacity for denial. They often cannot or will not see problems that are right in front of them, and refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of a situation - the house will be burning down around them and they'll refuse to even admit that it's getting a little warm.

a history of interpersonal trauma or abuse. Codependency is often a learned behaviour - many people who fall into these patterns experienced codependency from their parents, or witnessed their parents' codependent relationship at a young age. Many have also experienced extreme emotional abuse, from their parents or a past partner.

a strong need for approval. Codependents need to be liked. They need approval. Doing things for others and letting others walk on them is the best way they know how to gain that.

boundary issues. They often cannot and do not set personal boundaries - they take a "Giving Tree" approach to helping others, endlessly giving even when it seriously hurts them. At the same time, they may overstep boundaries to try to fix others' issues, even when it is not their responsibility to get involved.

a lack of personal identity. The codependent relationship often becomes the focus of their whole life. They invest so much time and energy into it that without it, they wouldn't know what to do with themselves.

a tendency to be drawn to close relationships with substance addicts, alcoholics, people with personality disorders, or other codependents. Codependent relationships are usually not a one-off thing - they tend to be a recurring pattern in a person's life. In particular, people with untreated BPD often seek out relationships with codependent people, as they tend to prefer relationships with people who don't set personal boundaries and are willing to provide the extreme amounts of reassurance and caretaking that they need. People with BPD also tend to be codependent themselves, further complicating things.

an appearance of being "addicted to chaos". Codependent people often appear to gravitate toward drama, dysfunction and chaos. Having relationships with people who have healthy boundaries, autonomy and stable personal lives often holds little interest for them - they prefer relationships where they feel needed and depended upon.

Codependent people often have a "martyr" or "victim" complex - they often feel that it is their lot in life to suffer for others, that self-sacrifice is a key part of their identity, or that suffering is simply a part of loving someone. The idea that they should set expectations in a relationship, leave a relationship where they aren't treated well or have an identity of their own outside a relationship is something they struggle with. They often hop from codependent relationship to codependent relationship, becoming steadily more beaten down and burnt out in the process - breaking free from codependent tendencies can be a long process, and often requires professional help.

There is a lot of variety in what codependent relationships look like. Some examples of codependency in action would include:

A mother allows her chronically unemployed and irresponsible 38-year-old son to live with her, and does everything for him. She never confronts her son about the fact that he doesn't contribute financially or help out around the house, even though it's placing a great financial and personal strain on her. When other family members ask why her adult son isn't taking steps to get his life together, the mother becomes highly defensive, and may make up lies about the progress he's made, or insist that he's still young and that this is normal for his age.

A woman assumes the role of "caregiver" for her unstable and very mentally ill partner. She bends over backwards to keep her partner happy, and doesn't seem to notice or mind that her partner never does the same thing in return. Her partner constantly burns bridges with their own family or friends with their explosive anger, and she rushes in to make excuses and try to fix the situation. When friends raise concerns about the relationship, she brushes them off, insisting that she's happy and everything is fine.

The parent of an autistic teenager infantilizes their autistic child, and insists that the child needs much more care than they actually do. Being an "autism parent" is a huge part of their identity. The child has never been allowed to attend an overnight camp, go for sleepovers or stay at home with a babysitter, as the parent is highly fearful and believes that other people will not look after their child properly. The parent strongly resists all of their child's attempts to gain more independence, insisting that it's too dangerous or that the child cannot handle it.

The US version of the television show Shameless is almost entirely centered around codependent relationships. The main characters are all in codependent relationships with their alcoholic and dysfunctional father, Frank. Although the main characters are often angry with their father, they constantly allow him back into their lives no matter how horribly he treats them - at times, they give him money, provide him with alcohol, let him move back into their house, visit him in the hospital and cover him with a blanket when he passes out on the floor. The boundaries they set with him never last long, and they always resume having a relationship with him, even after he does things that most people would find unforgivable.

So with that said: is it healthy for someone to rely on you as a constant source of support?

It sort of depends.

Relationships are supposed to be a reliable source of support for both of the people in them. That's sort of what they're for. I worry sometimes that the internet is making us too transactional in our relationships, and too quick to think that someone is taking advantage of us if they constantly turn to us for support. It's normal to find comfort in your relationships, and to turn to your loved ones whenever you need someone to talk to. I talk to my partner, my parents and my closest friends every day - that often means mentioning things that we’re stressed or anxious about, or venting about problems in our lives. Sometimes people are going through something and need extra support for a while - that’s just a normal part of close relationships. 

With that said, there are times when someone leans on you too hard. If helping someone is starting to take a serious toll on your own life, that’s a problem. Every relationship needs boundaries; if your boundaries are consistently pushed or broken in the name of supporting that person, it may be time for a serious talk. Staying up until 4am to talk someone through a crisis is fine if this is a rare occurrence. Staying up until 4am to talk someone through a crisis multiple times per week, every single week, is an issue - that’s you sacrificing your own need for sleep, and something needs to change. Are you willing to set boundaries and balance your own needs with your friends’ needs? Is the other person willing to respect boundaries, or do they lash out with anger, guilt-trips, accusations of not caring for them or threats to harm themselves? 

If you and a friend are both willing to communicate and work on establishing boundaries, I think it’s fine for one person to need a lot of support. If the relationship is damaging for you and one or both of you just isn’t able or willing to discuss boundaries, that’s a sign there could be some codependence going on. 

A person experiencing separation anxiety and extreme stress when you aren’t around could be an issue - but again, it depends on how it’s being handled. Is your friend able to cope with this anxiety on their own, or are they constantly putting this anxiety on you? Are they blowing up your phone and getting anxious if you’re 10 minutes late answering a text? Do they ever try to guilt-trip you or blame you for triggering their separation anxiety? Do they accuse you of not caring about them if you try to take time for yourself? Are they jealous of your other relationships? Is their extreme stress taking a toll on your life and preventing you from having other relationships or having personal boundaries and space? If your friend is willing to work on boundaries and find healthy coping mechanisms for their stress, this might be something you can overcome. If your friend is burning you out and one or both of you is unable to set boundaries, this might be a very unhealthy situation. 

Not feeling the same stress and anxiety, however, is definitely not selfish. It’s not healthy for someone to feel that level of extreme stress and separation anxiety - it’s not your friend’s fault that they experience that, but it’s still very unhealthy. The fact that someone feels an unhealthy attachment to you does not mean that you should feel an unhealthy attachment right back. No one benefits from that. In any healthy relationship, both people have a life and identity outside the relationship. This is, fundamentally, the issue at the core of many different unhealthy relationships - whether they are codependent, enmeshed, or abusive.

 Being so attached to someone that you can’t handle them needing friends, hobbies, space and independence isn’t a compliment or something to aspire to - it’s just unhealthy.

Hope this answers your question! MM

[landothemuppet]

Far Longer Than Forever (p.p)

Word count: 4737

Pairing : peter parker

Request: YES! ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. The Swan Princess is one of my childhood movie and this was so fun to write. I can’t stop listenning the soundtrack now ! I’m so sorry for the time i took to write this, i had so much work to do with school. But it’s over now and i hope you will like this ! 

N/A:  First, gif not mine but i don’t know who i’m gonna credit on this, i have no clue...This is my first Peter Parker x reader and i hope you all will like it! As always, I remind you that English is not my native language. Don’t hesitate to tell me what you think of the fic! Like, reblogs to support. You can Love you all! xx

Taglist: @angeliquekalampoka @harryhollandsgirlfriend @cedricdiggorysimpp​ - if you want to be notified of all my future writings you can add yourself in my taglist : here

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As far as you can remember, you've always hated summer. Well, it was partly a lie. You loved the sweltering heat of Queens, the cherry popsicles from Delmar's, not having to worry about what time you had to get up. You liked it but hated the idea of ​​the last two weeks of August.

 This year was no exception. You looked at your half-finished suitcase, a grimace on your face. August still meant the same thing, the same routine: having to spend the last three weeks of his vacation with Peter Parker.

summer 2009

Peter Parker had lost his parents very early on, two years ago. He had lived since then with his aunt May and his uncle Ben. It was your mother's idea to introduce you to each other. Aunt May and your mom were friends from college and luckily, they lived in the same neighborhood. Your first meeting with the one who, many years later, would become Spider-Man, took place on his eighth birthday. You were invited to the party when you weren't even at the same school. Aunt May had simply shared his fears about Peter's difficulty making friends after the trauma he had experienced. Your mother, as the perfect friend that she was, had suggested that Peter and you spend time together.

 There were 3 kids in total at that birthday party, you, Peter - obviously - and a boy from his school whose mother had forced him to be there, too. It was a fact; you were the only girl and you didn't know Peter at all. Your mother walked up to you, got up to your eye level and whispered

 "Can you be nice? May told me she invited Peter's whole class and only this boy came"

 You wanted to please your mother so you nodded before approaching the two boys. Peter and his friend were in the corner of the room, their backs turned to the adults. When you tapping the young boy on the shoulder to make you notice by him, he turned to you with a guilty expression. He had buttercream all over the corner of his mouth and he was holding a cupcake in his hand that looked delicious.

 “My Aunt May tried to bake a cake, but Uncle Ben bought some cupcakes in anticipation. Do you want one?” Peter asked you in a friendly voice

“Why? Is May's cake not good?

“Uncle Ben says that she is not very good at cooking.”

 You let out a little laugh and nodded your head before grabbing the cupcake with a smile. You thanked him and began to taste the little pastry with envy. It was so good! The buttercream was lemony, the cupcake was slightly lemony too but there was a taste you couldn't recognize. You were almost sure you had tasted it before, but you couldn't tell what it was. Peter and the other boy suggested that you go to Peter's room. He wanted to show you the LEGO set his uncle Ben had given him ahead of time and you followed them even though you weren't more excited about the idea.

 And you were right. For several minutes, you were pushed aside while the two young boys spoke spiritedly. You complained several times that you wanted to do something else but Peter didn't seem to listen to you, too excited to finally be able to chat with someone who appreciated Star Wars as much as he did.

 So you were annoyed and slightly angry with Peter but what broke the camel's back is that you started to not feel so good. Your throat was itching and you felt like your tongue was taking up a lot more space in your mouth, getting drier. Peter gave you a distracted look before his eyes widened. He let go of everything he had in his hands before running to his aunt.

 "Aunt May, Aunt May! Y/N's tongue looks like a big, desiccated steak!"

"Peter, don't be rude!" she exclaimed, shocked by her nephew’s words

"No, no come see, she has a huge tongue! I think something is wrong"

 Meanwhile, you ran into the bathroom at Peter's reaction. You weren't sure why he had looked at you like that, but you felt that a few things were wrong. In addition, you were more and more thirsty, your eyes also hurt. And that's when you saw your reflection. You were puffy, your tongue had tripled in size, hence this feeling of dryness and discomfort. It was the same with your throat. You started to cry and when May called you through the bathroom door, you fervently opened it.

 May and your mother's expression of horror was instantaneous and your mother knew exactly what was causing your condition.

 "What did she eat?"

"Nothing..." he tried to escape from being grounded

"Peter, this is very important. What did you eat?"

"We just ate the cupcakes Uncle Ben brought back"

 Ben looked at May with guilty eyes. May had put so much effort into Peter's birthday cake and she felt hurt that they had bought some pastries in anticipation. Your mother was impatiently stamping her foot. It was important to know exactly what you had eaten and above all, you shouldn't waste any more time. Peter felt completely helpless. He had only given a cupcake to his guest, that’s all. What was wrong with giving someone a cupcake?

 "What were those cupcakes flavor?" your mother said impatiently ...

"With lemon and almonds." he said in a very small voice.

 You were panicked. And the eight-year-old that you were was not coping well with stress. Plus, your feeling of being sidelined by Peter and his friend made you feel even worse. So you frowned. You couldn't see a thing but you could feel the torrent of tears escaping your cheeks. You pointed at Peter with rage

 "You tried to kill me !!!" you said somehow with your tongue as big as a little tangerine.

"It's not true!"

"Yes! You are a murderer"

 And you cried even more before your mother takes you to the emergency room as quickly as possible, apologizing for the scene.

 The week later, May forced Peter to apologize for giving you a cupcake, while justifying that he didn't know about your allergy. Your mother forced you to apologize for insulting Peter "a murderer" and accept his apologies.

 But you spent the rest of the vacation arguing with the little guy. After all, you didn't want to be friends with a murderer.

 Summer 2013

Aunt May and your mom didn't let go, however, and every summer you spent three damn weeks with Peter. The summer of your twelve years, you did not thus escape this eternal masquerade but this year, the tide had turned in your favor.

 From the start, you never liked Star Wars. It really wasn't your world. You had always preferred Harry Potter and although Peter had read the books and enjoyed them - which he would never admit to you as that would amount to listing the commonalities you had - he was much more invested in the galactic universe. But on that day, Peter had particularly bothered you. He had first replaced the sugar in your hot chocolate with salt. He kept chanting silly nursery rhymes about you and the downstairs neighbor, insinuating that you were in love: which was not the case. Yes, Peter had been extremely annoying. This time Peter was getting on your nerds by bouncing a small ball against the ceiling as you tried to read your book. Uncle Ben was in the living room watching the sport - you weren't sure exactly which one since it didn't matter to you - so you couldn't go anywhere else to be quiet.

 "Peter, stop it."

"Stop what?" he asked by bouncing the ball once more off his ceiling. You could even make out the smirk on his lips.

"That. Stop it! I can't read."

"This is nothing new."

 You threw him the first thing you found on his desk, c.e, a banana, which he easily dodged. You groaned in frustration. May and your mother didn't understand when you talked about Peter's attitude towards you. He was a calm child, far too shy at school and interested in everything, especially science. He was looking forward to entering Midletown High School in two years. You hated that nerd side about him. Secretly, you were a little jealous of him for being the smartest in the room.

 “I'm gonna hit you so hard you won't know your name anymore”

“ try me, dumbass.”

  A few minutes later, he had finally stopped throwing that damn ball, but obviously Peter's boredom was driving him to find everything the most boring thing than the previous one to drive you crazy. This time, he had simply taken his favorite lightsaber - because he had several - and he was poking your shoulder to get your attention.

 "Parker, stop!"

"Don't you want to drop this book and watch a movie?"

"What do you want to watch? Star Wars? No thanks ..."

"Oh come on, Y / N! I'm sure you'll like it!"

 He patted you on the shoulder once more with his lightsaber.

 "Do you want to play this, Parker?" you said before grabbing one of his other lightsabers

"What are you going to do? I'm sure you don't know how to fight with" he mocked.

 You have lit the glowing plastic stick and you are placed in the guard position.

 "Do you want to bet, knothead?"

 He smiled at you and attacked you first. Strangely, this is what most resembled a moment of bond between Peter and you and deep down, you appreciate it. But you also appreciate that possibility of kicking his ass after he's been so irritating. You responded to his lightsaber attacks with ease and joy. It was playful, childish, but it was one of the few times you had fun with Peter. And you really appreciate it. Your two laughs mingled, echoing in the room.

 But suddenly, as you were trying to dodge an attack from the brunet, your elbow made contact with his face. Peter's muffled cry of pain echoed and you froze. He was holding his nose with a grimace and when he took his hand away you both noticed in horror that he was bleeding.

 "Fuck…"

"Pete..." you started talking

"You blew my nose!" Peter shouted

"I did not do it on purpose!" you defended yourself.

"Of course, you do! You fucking blew my nose!"

"Peter, I swear ..."

 But Peter interrupted you by rushing out of his bedroom looking for his aunt who was in the office as she tried to file the important papers, that Ben and her had received this week. You were livid. First, because you didn't mean to hurt Peter on purpose. Second, you couldn't stand the sight of blood and it was literally everywhere. Peter was leaving trails of droplets on the floor of the apartment.

 "Aunt May?!? Y/N blew my nose! Damn, I'm bleeding!"

 After a brief stint in the ER, the rest of the stay was peaceful as you and Peter avoided each other until the end of the summer.

 Summer 2017

Peter was not the Peter you had always known.

 Since the death of his uncle Ben, the young man had closed in on himself and was even further away. Always so intelligent and discreet but much more distant. He had stopped teasing you or doing things that got on your nerves. He was minding his own business. And even though you had tried to be there for him, not denying him any of the offers he made to you during your stay ... you found him really ... overwhelmed. Which was still understandable.

 But this year was worse than the last. May told your mother that last year Peter got an internship at Stark Industry and attended a seminar in Germany but came back with a black eye. He had been acting most weirdly ever more since then. And you could have witnessed it. In the afternoon, when you were busy, and when it was too hot, when you tried to rest, Peter would disappear for hours. When you caught him sneaking back several times, he made you promise not to tell Aunt May.

 And you were starting to have theories about his nighttime getaways. After all, you were 16 and you too had started dating a few boys. But it never really worked. who knows why?! And when you wondered if Peter had a girlfriend, and who she was - he had to have one in view of all his sneaking out - your stomach twisted in a strange feeling. You didn't understand why the thought of Peter having a girlfriend bothered you so much. Over time, you had learned to be friends. It still happened sometimes that you quarreled but the events of the life made you grow up. Your parents had divorced, Peter had lost his uncle. You could tell yourself that you both had grown.

 And it was one night when Peter was sneaking back in again that you discovered two secrets.

 The first one: He was Spider-Man.

 It was around midnight when you heard the sound of the window opening. Since your childhood and this Machiavellian plan of your mother and Aunt May, you had always slept in Peter's room during holiday and more recently in his bed. The noise alerted you and you got up in a sitting position. But the only thing you saw was a foot, placed on this said window, closing it gently. How the hell was that possible?

 You were ready to scream but your gut told you to look up at the ceiling. A figure hung on it and you were paralyzed. Were you having one of those weird experiences called sleep paralysis? Delicately, silently, you grabbed the first blunt object within reach. A chemistry book that Peter seemed particularly fond of. The figure stepped on the ceiling as you were paralyzed. The form turned to land on the ground and then stood up, still with its back to you. You got up gently from Peter's bed and walked over. The man in the suit whose color you couldn't see took off his mask and you hit the air in an attempt to shoot him down. Peter turned around so quickly and blocked your gesture easily, like a reflex.

 "What the ..."

"Bloody hell".

 You both said at the same time. Your big surprised eyes mirrored Peter's. The curly man let go of your hand with an apologetic expression as you walked away from your friend. You turned on the bedside lamp before you discovered his blue and red costume. A very recognizable costume since it was that of Spider-Man. You winced, a look of judgment and incomprehension on your face. Not bothering to look at his face covered with bruises and traces of blood.

 "What the ... are you sneaking out to go to a costume party?"

"What?! No…No Y/N I’m…”

“Spider-Man? Great costume by the way” you joked.

 For a moment, you completely forgot that you just saw your friend glued upside down to the ceiling. Peter looked at you a little jaded, by the tone of your voice your guess was far from a sincere question but more of a mockery. And right now, the young man needed to be honest with you. He needed you.

 "But, I am."

"Yeah that's it. And I slept with the Winter Soldier. You can't imagine what he can do with his metal arm."

 Peter cut you off by pulling a web with his web shooter, tying your hands. The feel of the canvas was unpleasant, sticky but above all resistant. You let out a little cry of surprise, not powerful enough to pass the walls of Peter's room. Your eyes looked like two big golf balls, realizing that your friend was telling the truth.

 "Omg, You're Spider-Man" you almost spoke too loud.

"Yes and don't make me web your mouth. May doesn't have to know"

"damn, peter. What happened to your face!"

“yeah about that…I need you Y/N, please…”

  And without warning, Peter squeezed the spider in the middle of his costume, at chest level. He winced at the action revealing his bruised chest. He staggered a bit from the action, unsure of his legs and the pain in his sides fierce. You might see several bruises and cuts on your friend's body. You were having difficulty swallowing before you told him you were going to the bathroom to get what you needed. Before leaving the room, he made you promise to be discreet and not tell May anything if she ran into you. When you walk back into Peter's room, he's sitting half-lying on his bed, grimacing. You sit next to him, your heart pounding. You never noticed that he was so built. After all, as a superhero, he had to keep fit. But you couldn't deny that it intimidated you. Your cheeks were burning with embarrassment and a desire you never knew before. He had his eyes closed, as if trying to make the pain go away. And there, looking at him, you found him pretty. he was so cute that you couldn't help but run your hand through his curls to signal your presence and soothe him a bit. But Peter already knew you were there. He had heard your footsteps, he had smelled your scent, a sweet scent he had grown used to in his later years. He sighed softly, more relaxed. You started to clean the few shallow wounds.

 "Does it hurt?" you asked quietly

"Mhmm no, not really."

"Did you win?"

"Ouch..No. Not tonight."

"Sorry." you said more for your gesture rather than the fact that he didn't win the fight against the bad guys.

"No, it's perfect ... it's just a little sensitive"

 You smiled but something was wrong. A feeling you've never felt before. You've finished cleaning up Peter's wounds, but your gaze has darkened. As you were about to get up, the brunette gently grabbed your wrist to hold you back. He could hear your calm breathing and yet your heart was racing. He could feel the heat on your cheeks. He too felt that the tension was at its height. Your mind was muddled, he didn't know why, he wasn't a telepath, but he could see it, feel it. Your body betrayed your mind.

 "Y/N, what is it?"

"I..I don't know." you lied.

"You can tell me everything."

"I ... Well…Seeing you like this ... makes me ... makes me realize that I ... I'm afraid of losing you."

"You won't lose me ... I promise"

 You are ashamed of your vulnerable state. How did you go from hating this boy to having an overwhelming fear of losing him? You looked at those chocolate eyes in confusion and distress. You were now fully aware that the little neighborhood spider was none other than your childhood friend. The one you once loved to hate, tease, fight with over trivia. He was also on the youtube videos, who stopped cars with his bare hands.

 “Y/N… you won’t lose me, I promise.”

 Peter dared to walk slowly towards you and in a surge of courage, one of his hands circled your burning cheek, his lips rested on yours. The brunette had always had a crush on you without actually admitting it. After all, you had known each other since you were children but... your relationship had been rather confrontational. But for two years now, everything had changed for him. He appreciated more and more your little arguments, your teasing. His thoughts would sometimes turn darker when you lick your lips or when your fingers scratched that point behind your ear, when you were a little stressed.

 Your lips moved between them in a harmonious dance and you were now clinging desperately to Peter's slightly sweaty brown curls. Your heart was pounding at a speed close to the point of no return, reluctant to stop suddenly in the face of this overstimulation. But all good things came to an end and you slowly walked away. You bit your lip to get the taste of Peter's back. Your mind wandered, lost in the haze of rushing feelings.

 "You..you should rest ..."

 You ended up pulling away, swallowing hard. That night you didn't sleep. You have studied every facial feature of Peter, thinking of every event since your friendship. The next day, you fooled that nothing had happened. Too scared of what that kiss meant to you.

 Summer 2025

It all happened so quickly. After that summer, the summer of your kiss, you promised yourself that you understood your feelings towards Peter. You weren't going to the same high school and even though you were both on social media, you never dared to contact him. You needed time.

 But you haven't had this time. Peter became full-time Spider-Man and then the aliens came to earth, again. The threat of Thanos hovered and within moments, days, hours ... you were gone under his snap.

 When you returned to your childhood apartment, you were alone. Well, alone in front of the family who lived in this place now. The man in his forties simply believed you were a drug-hunting teenager squatter. Five damn years had passed. 5 years where your mother had a new life when you had been eclipsed. You were distraught, alone and it was by happy coincidence that you found May at the F.E.A.S.T project. It was a relief for you to find a familiar face again. She had suggested that you come and live in her new temporary apartment, allowing you to finish high school without having to move to the other end of the United States, with your mother. You declined your offer. You wanted to fend for yourself. And surprisingly, you did pretty well.

 To be exact, Mr. Delmar was looking for a student to work in his store and was kind enough to greet you in the bedroom of one of his daughters who had gone to college. By the greatest of luck, you've never seen Peter. Or rather, you managed to avoid it for an entire year. You had caught a glimpse of him one day, trying to speak Italian to get a travel adapter and a dual headphone adapter. Did you feel foolish thinking that after so long - could we consider those 5 years to be 5 concrete years? - would it still focus on the kiss you shared? After all, you got away from him after that. And then, everything went in a state of madness.

 Every time you turned on the television, you learned that elemental monsters had attacked a different country. They had first started with Mexico and then moved to Europe. Italy, Prague and then London. A certain Mysterio seemed to be taking care of this matter, but you couldn't help but think of Peter. May told you he was supposed to go to Italy. In fact, every time she went to Delmar's for a sandwich, she gave you an update on her nephew's trip. But it wasn't the craziest.

 Upon his return ... Spider-man's identity was revealed. You had watched in horror the video of Mysterio, which appeared on the Daily Buggle newspaper, accusing Peter of wanting to be the new Iron-Man. You were listening to J. Jonah Jameson falsely accusing Peter of being a murderer. You knew Peter, and there was no way he had done such an act. The video was bogus, you were sure. When you tried to reconnect that summer, you noticed Peter's girlfriend. Michelle Jones and ... and that's what kept you from approaching him. He was already supported. He had his best friend, Ned. His girlfriend, MJ. And he had May. It was enough, wasn't it?

  It was the following year, after a new incredible adventure that you met again.

You worked at the store in the evening. Mr Delmar had asked you to help him out urgently because his youngest daughter had a health problem. You accepted with pleasure. You had offered to babysit his daughter but the loving father he was wanted to be with her. And it was precisely this evening that a thug decided to steal the fund from you.

 You were at gunpoint with your hands up in the air when you saw a red and black mass fall behind the thug.

 "Hey buddy, I think the bank is across the street"

 Spider-Man tapped the thief on the shoulder and dodged a punch.

 "But I think I'll arrest you anyway if you went to the bank. You don't seem like a nice guy." Peter joked.

 You were paralyzed as your friend, your best friend if you were honest, chained or avoided them with agility. You swallowed hard, unable to move or run away. A gunshot rang out and you smelled a scared little vintage. Peter squeezed the barrel of the gun in his hand, deviating from his course. It made sense now to say that he had simply defended himself against the assault. After a few seconds that seemed like an eternity, Peter stared the offender against a fridge door, immobilizing him. He then turned to you, oblivious to your identity at the time.

 "Are you okay there?"

"Peter!"

 You didn't give him the chance to realize and you rushed into his arms, hugging him so tight to feel the comfort of his body against yours.

 "Uh, yeah, you're welcome. Cuddles are nice but ..."

 He paused for a moment and his automated eyes widened. He knew his perfume. The flowery, sweet scents that he had missed so much. Is this possible?

 "Y/N?"

 You let go of him and immediately put his mask back on. Adrenaline was controlling your actions and god damn it, you needed that touch. You kissed him, bluntly. Your lips crushed against his in impatience, in ardor, but too bad. You needed to feel it against you, to regain the feeling that you had felt, years ago. After a few seconds, you felt Peter's hands encircle your waist, pulling you closer to him. Your heart was exploding, the ardor was present in your kiss. You were even frustrated that you couldn't grab her brown curls with full hands, settling for only the base of her hair. You let out a moan before pulling away abruptly. He had a girlfriend.

 "I… I'm sorry. I… Sorry, I didn't mean… MJ… and… please don't blame me."

 Peter silenced you with another kiss, shorter this time but so good.

 “There is no MJ .... Just you and me ... Far Longer Than Forever”

 You looked at him hopefully and then burst out laughing after his words.

 "I didn't know you were so romantic, Parker"

"Shut your mouth."

"Make me"

"You are impossible."

"But obviously, you like"

 He was going to say something to nag you, he was looking for it but you caught him off guard, placing your lips on his again. You could feel his smile in the kiss and you couldn't help but do the same. Anyone living in the neighborhood present in the street would have a view of Spider-Man kissing the student cashier from Delmar. But you couldn't care less. You had waited too long and the joy you were feeling now was so intense, you didn't want to stop feeling this. It is reluctantly that Peter moved away from you apologizing for the fact that he had to go on patrol again.

 "Go save the Spider-Man neighborhood"

"Only if you promise me you'll be there when I get back."

"I was thinking of going to say goodnight to May instead ... But if you want, I have a sleeping bag in the storeroom."

"You are incorrigible .... See you later ..."

"See you later."

 You smiled, in a misty state of bliss as Peter disappeared from view. This time, you weren't planning to escape, you wanted to fall into the webs of Peter Parker. You closed the store after the police visit and headed to May's flat. It was late but with her kindness she welcomed you with open arms.

 This summer ... was the best in years but the others to come were going to be even more wonderful.

[deusluxuria]

Headcanon: Jotaro Kujo: Hey Jupiter

(Warning: Stone Ocean spoilers, long-ass long post, serious as hell, eating disorder mention, smoking mention, child abuse implied, parent death)

(HC: Jotaro's wife's name: Kelly -- because i hate calling her just 'jotaro's wife' lol)

Jotaro & Kelly got along so well that people were shocked when they got divorced.

They seemed so comfortable with each other, were constantly joking around, and were excellent parents. All that despite both of them having previously thought they'd never find anyone who understood and respected them. They were both misfits.

They separated for Jolyne's sake, and they didn't get over the divorce for quite a while. It was extremely sad. Though, people who didn't know them very well made all kinds of horrible assumptions about why they got divorced. Which made it so much more painful.

Jolyne and her dad were close when Jolyne was a child. Jotaro had been looking forward to being a father one day, ever since he was a teenager. He had felt that was his purpose. He was prepared to be fully committed.

And when Jolyne came along, she was everything; the most important thing in the world. Jotaro finally understood everything his mother had felt for him and everything she'd endured for his sake. How emotional she would always get over every little thing Jotaro did.

But, eventually, Jotaro's gradually increasing distance from his family left Jolyne so hurt and angry that she never wanted any contact with him and she felt she could never forgive him. She felt she had lost her father long before he was actually separated from the family. She mourned the emotional loss of him.

Jotaro had made the mistake, from the very beginning, of constantly lying to Kelly and Jolyne, and being cagey about why he sometimes had to disappear -- he hadn't told them about Stands and how unavoidably dangerous it was to have one.

But no attacks or dangerous incidents had happened between the death of Dio, until the appearance of Kira Yoshikage.

So Jotaro never quite found out what he was in for, until after he had already gotten married and had Jolyne.

Kelly would ask him what was going on and where he kept running off to. Jotaro continued to reply, "I can't tell you."

Kelly knew Jotaro as well as she could, and was completely sure it wasn't something like an affair, or anything immoral like an involvement with the mafia. Not that it made her feel any better that it wasn't anything like that.

During Jolyne's preteen years (after she had gotten arrested at fourteen, and Jotaro couldn't be there), one day, Kelly and Jotaro mutually decided they couldn't go on like that and have that kind of tension in the house, especially with no one except Jotaro knowing what was going on.

Kelly had reminded him several times during their marriage, "I hate it when you don't talk to me."

Jotaro agreed that he wasn't going to put her and their daughter through that anymore.

Jotaro and Kelly remained friends, but not without an unbearable stretch of finding it too painful to spend time with each other. When they did hang out again, before saying goodbye, they would hug for a while in a manner as if they'd die if they let go. So many things reminded them of each other. If they had left something at one another's homes, they'd cling to that object.

Kelly had been the first person Jotaro had slept with who hadn't made him uncomfortable. (Before he met her, it took him a few awful experiences to learn that, to him, sex without love was a nightmare.) And she was the first to be open to understanding his approach to intimacy in general.

She was one of the few people who hadn't judged him as cold or emotionless because of the way he looked. She didn't make hasty assumptions.

And Jotaro had already been so tired of the closed-minded way people usually treated him. He believed that, if things didn't work out with Kelly and him, he'd finally give up at letting people in.

When they were together, Jotaro had done most of the housework, being the one who relies on a daily routine and who has the strongest need for things to be in order. But once he was on his own again, he had trouble finding a reason to keep his living space up to standard or to cook anything or pay attention to a schedule.

Shortly after the divorce, Holly died.

Kelly had already warned Jotaro that, of the two of them, he would suffer the most from their separation. Because he didn't connect with people very well. But he would've never expected himself to fall nearly as hard as he did, even if his mom hadn't died.

People at work who usually never even gave him a "how's your day going," started asking him if he was okay.

His meltdowns became different & more frequent from the ones he usually had (i.e. from Autistic sensory-overload). He would blurt out disturbingly honest things, only to regret it so badly later that he'd shut himself in the nearest isolated place and start sobbing.

He'd struggled with an eating disorder since he was a kid, but he had mostly survived it with his mom's cooking as the only thing he could always eat and keep down. As a teenager, smoking was added as another coping mechanism.

But, the emotional hell he was going through because of his separation from his family caused a particularly bad relapse. And Holly wasn't there to save him anymore. He lost an appalling amount of weight.

Holly's funeral was a nightmare, mostly at the fault of Jotaro's dad, who made a spectacle of it. Inviting his celebrity friends and turning it into a selfish exploitation that required his security guards to be in attendance.

Jotaro secretly established a small, quiet area behind the building for everyone else. Jolyne and Kelly were there.

Jotaro left many times just to sit in his car and smoke with trembling hands -- he had successfully quit smoking back when he and Kelly had decided to have a child (causing a heightened number of eating disorder relapses), but had skyrocketed to a pack a day after his mom died.

Something broke in him that day. He could feel it. Like a canyon suddenly formed in his soul.

The last time he went back to the funeral, he went inside the building, walked up to his dad, and started waling on him. People screamed. Jotaro got a few punches into his dad's face before Kelly stopped him, holding onto him from behind and leading him away.

Jotaro had told her a few things about his father before. But not everything.

Abdul was the only person Jotaro had told. And after that conversation, Mohammed was silent for a while, and then said, "If you ever need anything, anything at all, I'm a phone call away."

After Mohammed had died, Jotaro not only couldn't muster the energy to explain the situation to anyone else, but he didn't know anyone else he trusted that deeply. Mohammed had experienced similar trauma, and knew that depth of hopelessness. He was not only the other parent that Jotaro had always needed, but he had some of Holly's likeness, with his open heart and boundless compassion.

And there was Kakyoin as well. The only friend he'd ever had that he actually felt close to. The only friend he could say "I love you" to without it feeling strange. They'd had their misunderstandings and their peeves about each other, but they were absolutely best friends.

He never connected with people at quite that level again. His friends in Egypt had been more than family. Soulmates, in a sense. Though Jotaro did find love and friendship afterwards, something about it still felt trite in comparison.

Jotaro never really recovered from his crisis with his divorce and with Holly's death. A few months after Holly died, Jotaro got a gastrostomy tube for eating disorder recovery and got the color back in his face. He at least looked like he was doing better. And he had found at least some meaning again in his cherishing of Josuke, another family member he would die for in a heartbeat.

But the depth of his loneliness; the realization of just how alone he was, awakened a suffocating dread that gnawed at him.

(Title: "Hey Jupiter" is a soul-crushing breakup song by Tori Amos)

[mallowstep]

I just thought about this

Do you think the Clan cats might ever have some form of PTSD from eather witnessing another cats death in any form like in battle or another disaster or even killing another cat themselves

I really do want to expand on this

okay matthew from the end of this post here it turns out i have a lot of thoughts and talked for like, almost 2k words about this. sorry. there's a tldr at the end.

hmmmmm

my official answer is, "sure, anything is possible, especially if you want to explore that."

my more rambly answer is...kind of.

we're just going to jump straight in with serious cat talk here, but cats? those mofos are killing machines. they are highly efficient hunters. kind of like people and creating things.

on the other hand, cats are also huge cowards who don't like to fight. hence cat and mouse: the cat doesn't want to go in for the kill unless they're sure they can execute it.

i like to think of them as a very krav maga idea: "we don't fight unless we absolutely have to, but once we go in, we go all in."

so...on one hand, "do cats experience ptsd from killing each other?" feels kind of like asking, "do humans experience ptsd from making things?", and yet, that's clearly extremely reductive.

it's also worth talking about what ptsd is. it's easy to think of ptsd as equivalent to trauma, but it's not.

trauma is, well, traumatic events, ptsd is one possible response. most people who experience trauma do not develop ptsd.

(there's also c-ptsd, but i'm getting to that.)

ptsd is, basically, an overactive adrenaline response, basically. it can look similar to depression and anxiety, but it's not the same. things like flashbacks and triggers are not exclusive to ptsd, or even any specific mental illness. it's normal to experience ptsd-like symptoms after a traumatic event. that's a traumatic response.

ptsd is, instead, the unhealthy extension of that, in time, and possibly severity.

before i go any farther, i just want to say, this is not to say you need to have ptsd to have trauma, that you can't have ptsd/trauma if XYZ, etc., so please, give me the benefit of the doubt here. it's always tricky to word these things in a way that is both clear about what i mean and not harming people.

mental illness is always a tricky subject. trying to fit a sum of many symptoms into boxes will never work, but i am going to lean on it as a tool to categorize and discuss experiences in a general sense.

i also want to mention c-ptsd, or "complex post-traumatic stress disorder." this is a debated diagnosis, in that where it fits into mental illness boxes is argued and it's yet to be included in the dsm, but for now, it's sufficient to think of it as ptsd's fraternal twin.

c-ptsd develops when trauma is prolonged, and there's little/no chance of escape. think kidnappings and child abuse.

it shares a lot of symptoms with ptsd, but it has its own unique cluster of symptoms, especially surrounding relationship issues.

right. we can rule that off for things cats typically experience from battle. but i still want to talk about it.

but ptsd is in reference to human reactions to trauma, which is fine! all warrior cats are at least a little anthropomorphised, or it wouldn't be fun to read about.

okay, before i lose the thread, circling back to my point, the conditions for ptsd are a prolonged response to a traumatic event. i, personally, don't think that your everyday warrior is going to experience this. some amount of battle is normal for cats, yeah?

but i do think ptsd/ptsd-like conditions are quite possible. i'm going to move into a discussion of various characters, now, and i'll put that under a read more.

okay, let's examine a few different cats, starting with mudfur.

why mudfur? because he chooses to be a medicine cat specifically because the battles of being a warrior are too much for him. does this mean he's experiencing ptsd? no, i don't think so. we never see any indication of him having flashbacks or hypervigilance. mind, i have

okay sorry you uh

i took a break to read mothwing's secret

see i've been putting it off bc i knew it was going to make me feel things and lord it did

phew

well i was going to talk about mothwing but first, back to mudfur

i can now confirm that we don't see any evidence of ptsd in him. trauma, maybe, but not ptsd.

which...checks.

next cat, ivypool.

but my ivypool, not canon ivypool, because i gave ivypool ptsd.

if you haven't read it, hedera helix is my canon compliant ivypool series, and you can get the Deets there, but i think "fair is the night" is the piece to focus on here. specifically,

The dark is the same, and the heat, and the way she slinks through the shadows, trying not to take notice. The way every pawstep is echoingly loud, and how she can't catch her breath or find her thoughts over the noise. All that's missing is.

Him.

Maybe Ivypool does still dream.

She hisses, her belt bristling, tail lashing, and raises her paw, claws extended.

what's going on here is that she mistakes tigerheart for hawkfrost.

yes, she has ptsd.

she also has c-ptsd in my writing, but i don't want to talk about this at the moment, because ivypool is complex, and i don't feel like bringing dovewing into this. but no, this is her having ptsd from her (dark forest) mentor trying to kill her. a cat she, at least on some level, trusted turning on her and attempting to kill her.

so for ivypool, it's the unexpected that traumatizes her.

which i think makes sense: cats don't generally expect to be attacked by those they trust. which leads me into...

character three: bluestar.

now, bluestar is complex because of the dementia, but i think it's pretty easy to say: tigerclaw (a cat she trusts) betrays her, she gets hypervigilant and stops trusting people.

i'm deliberately going short on this because i'm at almost a thousand words and uh,, i just want to talk about mothwing.

mothwing. my baby. my beloved. my beautiful.

fuuuuck okay so i should not have read mothwing's secret because this is going to turn into me writing mostly about that, but i actually knew 90% of what was contained in it through moonkitti videos + doing research for various mothwing related projects.

i think the only thing i learned was the moonkitti scene about bees is actually completely canonical, as written, and that it was possible for me to love mothwing more than i already do.

usually, i'd want to also talk about willowshine, but i'm going to keep my focus on mothwing. willow my love is going to come up, but i'm keeping my focus tight.

mothwing! onto my purpose: mothwing and c-ptsd and religious trauma.

she will get her own essay i have a document titled "mothwing and religious trauma" but with trope-bingo i've been writing the essays less, so bear with me.

anyway. i'm not waffling, i'm just trying to set up a good starting point so i don't ramble past the purpose. and i think...the scene with mudfur and mothwing near the end is what i'm honing in on. (spoilers, duh, but also, you don't need to have read it.)

so mudfur comes to mothwing after the battle, and she turns him away. he doesn't understand, but i do.

religion has been used against mothwing her entire life. her clan used it (inadvertently) to keep her from her purpose, hawkfrost used it to maintain his control over her, and mistystar used it to again keep her from her purpose and passion. (and yes, i have strong feelings about what this does to willowshine, but i'm trying to stay on-topic.)

and then, the first tangible proof she has of starclan is the dark forest. and her brother. attacking the nursery. and her.

and then mudfur has the audacity to say, "yeah sorry we don't know anything! but like why are you still rejecting us?"

(makes me want to rewrite the ending of "if you love me any, let me know it now" actually, i'm angry. not going to, but i want to.)

adfskjl mothwing is my new purpose for existing. i may actually consider changing my blog title from "in this house we lovewing dovewing" to something mothwing themed. i love her. expect a mothwing focus sometime soon-ish.

right, so, i don't think mothwing's perspective needs to be explained here. but...she is very self-aware of her position. she struggles with it. she doesn't want to talk to willowshine about her beliefs — she's grateful when willowpaw just accepts it and doesn't discuss it with her.

mothwing as a character has always been appealing to me. but. again, trying to keep focused, her brother is manipulative and cruel.

(i'm not saying abusive because i don't know if he really is. i'd want to do a proper analysis for that, not just ramble in a blank document for a while. he's toxic, but i try to reserve abusive for abusive characters. i think he is, but i don't know how i would defend that, ergo, i'm avoiding it for now.)

just. her whole life.

she spends a long time trusting others, looking to starclan for answer and salvation, and it keeps letting her down, and others keep using it against her, like a weapon. there's a lot to mothwing, but i'm really trying to stay on topic.

before i get to my closing arguments, some honorable mentions for characters i didn't talk about, but could have:

squirrelflight

feathertail, stormfur, and mistyfoot

dovewing

briarlight. okay she's such a good honorable mention i just have to explore this for a second, but the scene in bramblestar's storm where she's afraid of falling trees is good. i don't know, she seems fairly functional, but she's definitely not "over it."

anyone captured by twolegs.

tawnypelt

bramblestar. before you gasp, he too trained in the dark forest and was manipulated by hawkfrost and tigerstar.

probably a lot more.

so anyway, if you hung around for nearly 2k words to listen to me talk about cat trauma, here's my closing statement:

i think ptsd in clan cats is definitely going to be a thing, but i think, more often than not, it's not going to come from the battle. we looked at several examples where the incident happened during a battle, but i think it's the betrayal that's more shocking than the actual fighting.

i didn't address ptsd from cats killing each other, other than mudfur, and that's...frankly that's because i don't know. it is very hard for me to sympathize with those characters long enough to think critically about it.

like, i can write villain pov, but i don't think i can actually say, "what if XYZ feels bad for killing someone?" even if i was going to write about like, firestar killing scourge, i don't think i could.

not in this context, anyway.

similarly, i think a lot of what we'll see is trauma. cats are already extremely vigilant, and while it's possible to get hypervigilant cats, i'm not sure how often it's going to come out. cats are good at hiding physical pain, ipso facto, i imagine they're good at hiding emotional pain.

which isn't to say that they...you know what? you know what? if you want to come argue with me about human ptsd, you can do that on my main. but i'm talking about cats, and i say that they probably don't experience ptsd because they probably shove away a lot of the external symptoms, and that's mostly how we identify ptsd. this is not an end-all be-all, nor does it apply to people, but i don't know how to begin couching this, and i'm tired.

alright, well...

tl/dr: yes, trauma and maybe ptsd occur in clan cats, but i think it's more likely to be from betrayal than fighting.

dkjl this was a lot if u have follow up qs or just wanna discuss this my ask box is open! <3

[chorusnihili]

what is wd gasters past

"A rather broad and invasive question, I'd say, but I suppose I can give you the rundown."

"I was born on the surface while tensions were already high, enough that my parents, assuming that I had them, were gone before I had a chance to remember them. I was mostly raised by a mismatch village of monsters; well-cared for, not the only one that didn't have a specific home."

"I didn't miss living on the surface and never wished to return there, quite frankly. The only thing that made it worth living there is that in my final few years there, I did have something close to an adoptive parent. Who, unfortunately, chose death over leaving their home."

"A lot of monsters like to paint the underground as this hellish, soul-sucking fate worth than death. Personally I never found it that bad. I suppose I never was the type to feel wanderlust or anything of the sort. I was happy merely knowing we were safe and humanity likely had no interest in pursuing us."

"So I dedicated most of my life to making the Underground as good a place as possible. Anything that could make life more bearable. Try to cheer up those affected the worst by the change. During this time, a lot of monsters took up psychology; you can find a lot of studies on stress, despair, and trauma written during this time; techniques for coping and helping loved ones, many of which still hold up to this day."

"Unfortunately given the fact that communication has always been a hassle to me, it ultimately wasn't a field of study that suited me well, although I've been told I'm a good listener."

"So my attention broke from such studies to poking around the world about me. Much of the underground was new and needed to be explored and understood, and, what can I say, I was young and ready to believe that magic could do anything. Except, maybe, restore my eyesight. Heh."

"The migration through the underground was relatively linear. The forests of Home, the snowy landscapes of Snowdin, the rainy marsh of Waterfall, the deep caves of Hotland, and finally, the empty caves of New Home. But New Home was the end. The final stop. Assuming a vaguely dome-shaped barrier forming to the shape of the mountain, we had found it on all sides; the entrance at Home, the exit at New Home, the presumably small entries in Waterfall that human trash falls through, the tunnels in Hotland that the lava flows through. We reached the end; there was nowhere else to go."

"Monsters began to fan out, build permanent civilizations. Asgore and Toriel chose to build their castle and kingdom right on the cusp of the barrier; why, I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps it was meaningful, to them. A sign of having conquered the humans, something to put them at ease. I never asked, it never seemed appropriate."

"Although many monsters seemed disappointed that there was nowhere else to go, I found a sense of satisfaction from it. We had discovered everything; there was nothing else that might creep out from the shadows. We had an understanding of the world we now lived in, a map from top to bottom, left to right. And now, all we had to do was reshape it into the world we wanted it to be."

"Much of my early life was uneventful. I spent a lot of time in theoretical research, interested in the topics of how and why magic worked, but specifically, the interaction of two magical forces. Why some attacks seemed to be so devastating and others seemed to do no damage at all.  A spent a fair amount of years analyzing magic, categorizing it, writing formulae for the so called Stats, for LOVE, EXP, HP, ATK, DEF, INV, et cetera, et cetera.  Frankly, the field is incomplete; close enough for most situations, I think, but not perfect.  I found it wasteful to continue efforts on it.  I believe that the main goal of science is to improve life; if the science cannot be applied to do so, then I do not see the point in continuing it.”

“My studies were broad and varied.  Sometimes I’d dip into the health sciences, sometimes I’d dip into architecture.  I’d do odd favors for people, look into anything that caught my interest, sometimes even take up tasks for the King himself; ones of minor interest that he didn’t want to bother the Royal Scientist with.”

“But, the focal point of my studies always came back to energy.  What could we do with it?  How can we harness it?  All monsters are made up of energy, of magic, it’s inherent to our souls, the way we express ourselves, even our body is made of magic, turns into magical dust due to a complicated chemical reaction when HP is depleted.”

“This, of course, lead to my most famous accomplishment.  The idea of using magic to power things had been around forever, before recorded history.  But there was always a mage or monster involved, directly or indirectly powering the thing in question.  I sought to cut out the intentional casting of a spell to induce power.  After all, this entire Underground was full of ambient magic; from previous spells, simply from Monsters existing; recycled, reused, breathed in and out, baked into food and released again:  Why couldn’t the world itself power things?” 

“It turned out to be more complicated than expected; failure after failure taught me that it simply wasn’t feasible to use magic without a soul casting it.  But, we found another way--and to be fair, it wasn’t exactly an idea so much as exploratory research, but research with very promising results.  Promising enough to earn me another scar on my face, heh.  Had one of the other scientists not pulled me out of the way, I might have been destroyed by the CORE before the CORE was even a thing.”

“Nonetheless I was far from discouraged.  I was actually very ecstatic.  Enough so that Asgore had a very hard time calming me down and getting me to explain what had happened and why I had a new crack down my face.”

“I started work on the CORE immediately.  Sketching out blueprints and gathering people to start building the skeletal structure of the building while I put together the intricacies of the mechanism that would create and convert pure energy that could be harnessed and used for whatever purposes we desired.  It took a very long time, but it’s no doubt one of my greatest creations.  Asgore asked me to take up the position of Royal Scientist not long after.  I accepted, of course, I wouldn’t think of declining, but it was a very strange thing to me.”

“It wasn’t long after that when the human child arrived.  I remember hearing about it, one of the other scientists telling me that Asriel had chosen to keep the child.  Keep the child, I had thought, like a pet, like a person would choose to keep a dog or a cat.  I thought it frankly ridiculous, but having the human child around brought a new era of hope to the kingdom and, I, ... couldn’t resist being pulled along.  I personally thought that the idea of peace between humans and monsters was ridiculous, but it was such a pleasant idea and the people were so happy...”

“Of course, it didn’t last.  In a single night, both the human child and Asriel had passed away.  The duo had broken through the barrier, only to seal their own deaths.  It was a travesty.  A whirlwind of horrors, one after another.  The devastation, the despair--it was unlike anything I had ever experienced, even when humanity had first sealed us underground.  At least then, we had the relief of peace.  Now, we had nothing.”

“The King declared war on humanity.”

“It was a dark time.”

“The peaceful life I had was replaced by one of fear and anxiety.  I knew what humans were capable of.  I lived through it, I wore the mark of their hostility on my skull--and Asgore wanted to willingly throw us back into that over revenge?  We wouldn’t survive.  There was no way we’d survive.  But if there was any chance of giving us any sort of fighting chance, I was going to find it.” 

“My research turned from finding ways to make the underground better to combat.  Once again, energy proved to be my friend.  I revisited old research about LOVE and EXP and ATK and DEF--and wrote up a hypothesis about another state.  ITK.  Intent to Kill.  Unlike LOVE and EXP, which are slowly, solely increasing values, ITK rapidly fluctuates and acts as a modifier on attack.  Even a soul with a LOVE of 1 can do an extreme amount of damage if they, in a particular moment, are filled with the desire to kill the one they are striking.”

“Monsters aren’t made for war.  In general, monsters aren’t made for hurting each other.   It’s one of the many reasons we were slaughtered so mercilessly.  So I created a ... weapon.  That could circumvent that weakness.  The ITK Blasters, as I called them, could take even the smallest ITK and multiply it to do horrific damage.”

“I did other research on the topic as well.  How to convert HP into a temporary boost of ATK.  With these two advancements...even a monster as relatively weak as I am could be incredibly strong.”

“I wanted to perfect the techniques before I tried teaching them to anyone.  But, such things never came to pass.  Asgore lost his will to continue seeking war.  He knew that he had only declared war in a fit of rage and to give his people hope.  So rather than continue killing, he wanted to find a different way to bring everyone hope.  He wanted to find a way to break the barrier without anymore bloodshed.  He asked me to research the human souls.”

“...”

“I wanted no parts of it.  We got into a ... rather nasty fight.  I said a lot of things I regret.  I called him a coward for bending to the will of his people instead of doing what was right.  I told him that any attempt to breach the barrier would result in the complete extinction of our species.  I told him that it was his job as king to protect us, not lead us to our death.”

“I was angry and afraid, and I took it out on the wrong monster.”

“It’s about at this point that you really cannot understand my history without a basic understanding of how time flows.  I’ll spare you the lecture of multiple timelines and parallel realities, but at the very least, you must understand that the flow of time is... well, it is inherently linear, but, consider it like a... I want to say a Turing Machine.  Or perhaps, a VHS Tape.  The same segments can be replayed again and again, can be overwritten, can change from iteration to iteration.”

“So the fact that Asgore died in this timeline...and is still alive in the current timeline...it may at first seem contradictory, but it is not, I assure you.”

“Asgore’s death hit the Underground hard.  Undyne took over as Queen, but the knowledge that the last remaining member of the Royal Family was gone still loomed over everyone’s heads.  Undyne was more determined than Asgore ever was to free the monsters and I felt like there was nothing I could do.”

“So...There was little I did.  I was overwhelmed with grief and hatred.  I kept at the research.  I honed the abilities, again and again and again.  I drove myself to exhaustion, I isolated myself.  I barely slept and ate.  I neglected my duties and while the others understood I was grieving, it eventually got to the point that Queen Undyne delivered the ultimatum that I had to either get my act together or surrender my position as Royal Scientist.  I resigned without any argument.”

“Much of the time is a blur.  Most of my studies and research done with poor practices and hardly documented.  The research that lead to me creating Sans falls into this. I wished to know if...  

“Of course, two monsters can create another soul.  This much is obvious, monsters reproduce on a regular basis, enough that in the modern day, there’s an ongoing population crisis for monsters that need certain environments.  But I wanted to know if ... a monster, could theoretically, singularly donate a portion of their soul and create another living monster out of it.”

“This is probably a piece of research that very much fits the criteria of not stopping to think whether or not I should try to do so.”

“It required extracting part of my soul.  Which, to do so without killing the monster, requires a massive power source...luckily, or unluckily, I had the entire CORE at my disposal.  So I constructed a machine that could, indeed, extract part of my soul.  What resulted was the most painful experience of my life and left me comatose for six months.  It’s also the cause of the circular scars in my palms.”

“I hadn’t intended to extract two pieces of my soul, but, it happened, whether through oversight or simply as a matter of how the procedure was carried out.  I used the smaller piece to create Sans; intending to keep the larger piece for further study.  I destroyed everything used in the experiment afterwards.  I felt it was something that no monster should have the power to do.”

“That’s not to say I regret creating them.  I don’t, and nothing will ever change that opinion, even knowing some of the terrible things they’ve done in other timelines.  But I do regret the methods that lead to their creation.”

“I don’t know why Sans is so weak.  And I resisted the urge to try to figure it out.  There’s a fine line between a healthy interest in your child’s health and treating them as a science experiment, and I ... wanted to stay as far away as possible from that line.  He’s fine the way he is.  He doesn’t need to be fixed.”

“That didn’t stop me from using the second piece of my soul to create Papyrus to look after him, though.  Or teaching him magic to the best of my ability, even teaching him how to use the Gaster Blasters.”

“Having them...helped.  A lot.  I won’t say whether I was very good at it, but I enjoyed being a father very much.  The grief was still heavy, but I was able to start returning to a somewhat normal life, and even start following what was going on in the Underground again.  I learned of Doctor Alphys’s research on the human souls, and though I personally disagreed with it... decided to look into it in Asgore’s honor.”

“My immediate thought was that her ideas about Determination could mesh well with my previous research about soul extraction, albeit with a few modifications--although I had destroyed the equipment I used for the process, I remembered it well enough.  So I got to work on a theoretical DT Extractor; but the further I got with it, the more horrified I became.”

“I simply couldn’t tolerate the idea of it.  Humans or not, already dead or not--the mere idea of extracting the literal lifeforce out of a soul...  No.  It was not a process I would condone.”

“I had just finalized my decision to destroy the blueprints when I fell.”

“It was... a laughably simple mistake, really.  The CORE is designed to rearrange itself to prevent the wear from the heat from causing too much damage in any one area.  The doors pneumatically seal themselves to prevent egress during this time but...  I was simply too distracted by the blueprints and I opened the door, and walked through anyways.”

“There were no further safeguards.  There was nothing I could do to save myself.  It was over before I had a chance.”

“...”

“I don’t regularly talk about my time in the void.  Not because doing so bothers me, but because it’s simply... indescribable.  When I awoke, I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t speak.  There was no me, but my consciousness existed.  I could see and hear thousands of timelines at once, as if I was standing in an arena, with each and every seat filled with a television playing a different movie.  A jumbling mess of information.”

“I have no idea how long I was there for.  It was like learning to exist all over again.  Step by step.  Learning how to move closer to visions of interest.  Learning how to seep into those visions.  Learning how to block out the immense noise.  Learning how to speak without a body.  Learning how to see the void.  Learning how to construct a body out of it.  Learning how to hunt down my timeline.”

“In many ways, it was a rebirth, and with each and every step, I lost more of myself.  I lost myself to the aching hole of my soul being missing.  I lost my conscience, I lost my heart.  I dedicated everything to the endless goal of stitching myself back together again.”

“I learned so much about the reality I live in.  How malleable it and time is.  I evolved into something grotesque, something that shouldn’t be alive.  I gained power that no monster or human should have.  Things, and even souls, could be changed at my whim.  And yet the one thing I truly wanted seemed to be impossible.”

“I did a lot of terrible things while I was stuck like that.  Some were intentional, some less so.  Many were reset thanks to Flowey, others will never be fixed.”

“I have Sans to thank for finally helping me to achieve the goal, even if not fully.  He built a machine that gathered enough of my soul that... I’m able to manifest my original form and can think clearly once again.”

“Even so...  It didn’t change the fact that my soul is still shattered, somehow held together by the tug-of-war between Determination and Void, and that my fall into the Void reset the timeline into a state where I never existed.”

“And that leads us to now.  The Gaster you currently speak to exists in a timeline that has made it to the surface, though I’m not particularly fond of being up there and generally hide in my lab in the CORE.”

“Well, I certainly hope you didn’t expect even a rundown of over a thousand years to be short.”

“...Or, were you posing the question to someone other than myself...?”

[lionheartslowstart]

Snakes and Roses

I’ve been avoiding writing this post for a long time. (I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot recently.) I’m not sure why. I think maybe because writing it will force me to examine myself in ways I’m not totally comfortable with. I guess we’ll find out. To be clear, I’ve been sitting on this post since April 2nd, 2019, when I wrote a post called “Snakes and Lillies,” which was about Severus Snape and his many complexities. Snape is a character I have always loved and defended, and someone I talk about a lot. It was only a matter of time before I dedicated a blog entry to him. But it wasn’t until I reached the final paragraph where I had the realization of something I think I’ve always known deep down. I wrote, “He probably never knew what it meant to truly be happy.” And that’s when it hit me, one of the big reasons I love Snape so much is because...well, he reminds me of me. I see myself in him. I relate to him in ways that I’ve never related to other fictional characters before.

The reason this realization hit me in that specific moment, is because the idea of never knowing what it is to truly be happy is something I have thought about myself, even said about myself, to a select few. It’s why I was able to drum up that line so quickly in my writing - it was already there, in my subconscious.

I don’t like to think about my childhood. To be frank, I don’t like to think about much of my life before 2016-ish. I prefer to live in the fantasy world of my creation, that my entire life has been a fog and I’ve sort of “come to” as a fully formed adult. Obviously, that’s not a realistic way to live life, especially in terms of overcoming trauma and bettering yourself, so it’s something I’ve been tackling in the last year or so. I could write my entire life story here, but a) that would probably be the longest post I’ve ever written (and some of them are already pretty fucking long), and b) I don’t want to. But I will include some background information, so my readers can see the parallels I’ve drawn, and the deep connection I feel with Mr. Severus Snape.

In some ways, my childhood was very different from Snape's. In other ways, my childhood was incredibly similar. I didn’t grow up poor, and for that, I’m extremely thankful. My parents weren’t abusive, to each other or to me, and I’m extremely thankful for that as well. Obviously, these were two very important aspects of Snape’s origin story. But for me, it’s not so much the cause as it is the effect. I developed severe emotional problems at a very young age, five years old. I was suicidal, I had extreme outbursts, I was that “weird kid” (and then later I was that “fat, weird kid”), I was misunderstood, and I didn’t have the maturity or vocabulary to communicate my feelings and issues to those around me. As a result, despite having an otherwise loving home, I became isolated. I was isolated from my family, who didn't know how to help me, and who I often felt ganged up on me. I was isolated from my peers, who saw a sad little loner and decided the best course of action was to bully and ostracize me (because we all know that “different” equals “bad”). I was isolated from my teachers, who only saw me as a “problem child,” and who often blamed me for things that weren’t my fault, and who concluded that my outbursts were the result of behavioral problems as opposed to being in psychic pain. I was so lonely. I had two friends, but even they avoided me at school, as they had their own friends, and I, of course, was not invited to participate in that group. I spent most of my days alone, thinking my thoughts, concentrating on school, using my imagination, and generally giving off “sad boy energy.” As much as I try to ignore what I consider to be some of the most painful years of my life, I can’t deny that I am largely the person I am today because of my childhood. It’s my own origin story.

Obviously, I’m glossing over a lot here, specifically the details of my emotional problems and outbursts, but I’m sure you get the gist. So, this is something Snape and I had in common. We were both bullied and excluded, albeit for different reasons. We both felt alone and misunderstood. We also both tended to be reprimanded for our own actions, often driven by pain, but watched as others who hurt us went completely unpunished, or even unacknowledged. (For example, when Snape dropped the branch on Petunia, he was yelled at by Lily, but Lily didn’t scold Petunia for her disparaging comments against Snape.) Things also changed for both of us in our teenage years. For Snape, it appears to have changed earlier, around 11. For me, it took a little longer, more like 14. But in both cases, we suddenly found ourselves accepted for the first time in our young lives, treated like equals. As a result of this, we both became slightly haughtier, a bit superior, and on occasion, not very nice. 

This is where things begin to differ between the young Severus and myself, for a number of reasons. The first is that Snape was a follower, I was the leader. For the record, this wasn’t something I realized until I was an adult, but, indeed, I was the leader of my own little group. I was the one who brought everyone together, I was the one that many people looked up to, had feelings for, or wanted to be near. I wish I had appreciated it more at the time. Snape was more of a pack member, at least initially. It’s not clear who the leader was as he grew older. I’m sure Lucious Malfoy was the leader in the beginning, but he was a fifth year when Snape was a first year, so perhaps by his fourth year, Snape took his place. I’m not sure. However, I doubt it, because he was still mercilessly picked on by the Marauders and other classmates, who probably would have feared or respected him more if he had been the leader of the young Death Eaters. This leads to another difference, which is that Snape fell into a group of people who prided themselves on prejudiced ideations, and were in many ways bullies themselves, though Snape continued to be bullied as well. While I’ve certainly been ignorant, I’ve never espoused bigoted beliefs. I would also assert that I was never a bully per se, but I definitely spoke down to people and probably could have been much less selfish and bitchy than I was.

I mentioned earlier on that I often defend Snape, which is true. I have certainly had Snape-related conflicts with people, some more intense than others. About a year ago, around the time I posted “Snakes and Lillies” actually, I got into a heavy debate with a friend of a friend who maintained that Snape was a bad person who shouldn’t be celebrated in any capacity. No matter what I said, he remained unconvinced, and I walked away from that encounter feeling sour and angry. But why? Because it felt like a personal attack on my character. Everything my acquaintance said about Snape landed like he was saying it about me. I know he didn’t intention it that way, I’m sure he didn't even realize that’s how I was interpreting it. But when people tell me they think Snape is irredeemable, it feels like they’re saying I’M irredeemable.

Our lives may have gone on different paths, but I maintain that Severus Snape and I have the same, or very similar, core. We both grew up with a lot of pain and isolation. We both became embittered because of our respective childhoods, and that bitterness continued to follow us throughout our lives. We both experience a petty and vindictive pleasure when we are able to inflict suffering on those who have hurt us (though I’m sure he and I have very different ideas on who deserves it and who doesn't, as well as what levels of revenge are acceptable). We also both have the capacity for an incredibly deep and never-ending love, though most people never ever get to see it. We both have goodness in us that is often overlooked or minimized by others, who are too eager to see the bad things about us. And above all, as I said in my previous Snape-related post, neither of us has ever experienced a true and fulfilling happiness in our lives.

Of course, there is still hope for me, as I’m only in my mid-twenties, and have been doing a tremendous amount of work on myself, as well as in the interest of improving my life. Unfortunately, Snape did not have that opportunity, as his life was cut short in the midst of his mission. However, he was only in his late-thirties, and, had he been able to live, I like to believe he would have been able to begin the process of healing as well.

I’m finding it difficult to articulate why I feel so close to Severus Snape beyond what I’ve said already. Probably because they are feelings that are difficult for me to access. Snape was incredibly flawed, and so am I. Snape was incredibly broken, and so am I. Snape was, in my opinion, redeemable and overall a good person despite many of his questionable actions, which were largely the result of a miserable life. I feel similarly about myself.

I wonder how Snape’s life would have been different if the Harry Potter series took place today, in a climate where trauma and mental illness are more accepted, normalized, and discussed. Would he have been held accountable for his misdirected anger towards his students? Would he have been able to get the help he needed earlier on? What if he, as an adult, was shown more compassion and love? And I already know that many people might then ask, “What about Lily?” Yes, Lily showed Snape compassion and love. Lily cared deeply for Severus, and he was her best friend throughout her entire childhood. But when we are children, especially children who are in the midst of trauma, we don’t always recognize what love looks or feels like. This is something I relate to as well. There have been times when I was faced with real love, but due to the trauma I was still experiencing or working through, I did not truly see or appreciate it at the time. Sometimes, time needs to pass for us to be able to grow, mature, and make it through the trauma. We need to get to a place where we are able to look back and appreciate what we had, and to be able to heal and fully experience love in the present. Maybe, if someone had given Snape more affection and empathy as an adult, he would have been able to heal.

All I know is I find myself wishing I could reach through the pages of my books, or through my television screen, so I can wrap my arms around him and tell him he’s worthy of love, and there’s still time for him to heal and find happiness. Because, that’s what I’ve always wished people had done for me.

[pskills95]

My experience being in a Toxic/Emotionally Abusive Relationship

To everyone reading this or who comes across this post... I wanted to touch up on this story and share it to you all in the hopes that any male or female who is or has experienced this knows that they aren’t alone and there is always help available and someone to talk to,and you should never feel afraid to walk away from a situation that feels wrong and doesn’t make you happy. I know I felt afraid to even open up about this but this is what I went through and I am stronger than I have ever been. I was a victim of a toxic relationship that involved many forms of emotional abuse which lasted for about half a year. I don’t want to bash this person and say that he’s evil because I genuinely think he needs to work on himself, however, he did cause me a lot of emotional trauma and made me feel like I couldn’t walk away. The manner in which he protrayed his love for me involved a lot of emotional blackmailing and guilt tripping in order to control me. I know a lot of this behaviour stemmed from his intense amount of low self esteem and insecurity. I cared about this individual so much and I stuck through this because I thought I could help change his insecurities, but in the end I could not. He was always seeking for validation throughout the entirety of the relationship and asked if we were okay and if I had loved him, (questions of those sorts). He would constantly put himself down and call himself ugly and praised me instead while I had to reassure him that he was fine the way he was. This was a very obvious sign of insecurity and a red flag that I knew wasn’t right. He also was a very jealous person who got upset at any kind of attention that I got from males which could have been positive or negative, he made it seem like no one else deserved to have my attention except for him. He hated the fact that I hugged my friends who were males or gave them a harmless touch on their shoulder...there were fights that stemmed from this and ignited his insecurity about himself even more. It just seemed like I couldn’t have males as friends despite the ones I had been close to for numerous amounts of years. I felt like I was being controlled and to stay away from these men who I genuinely had good friendships with. He always made me feel bad because he would say things like “you’re the only girl i look at, I don’t even bat an eye at anyone else”. I understand that having friendships with the opposite sex can be troublesome but if you know your boundaries and limits, there is no reason why your partner can’t trust you. I came across this problem many times and it just got to the point where I stopped telling him which friends I was hanging out with. He always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing if I wasn’t by his side and it was always overwhelming and too much for me to handle. Constantly getting upset if I didnt text him back right away, or if I ignored his phone calls. He did not understand space and how to leave me alone. It was very obsessive and almost a burden for me to even want to speak to him. He would get upset if I didn’t reply back to a snapchat or if I posted things on my story without responding to him first; basically just getting angry at things that were not a big issue. If I didn’t text him goodmorning or goodnight it was always a problem and was brought up in such a passive aggressive behaviour. If there was things I told my friends that I didn’t tell him, it was always a problem, he always wanted to know everything first and would feel so offended when I did not confide in him. I didn’t understand why he put this on me to always tell him all the details about my personal life. We all have things we tell only our closest friends and not our significant other. I couldn’t be myself at all and felt so much restriction all the time. It got to the point where he went through my phone once behind my back without my knowledge and read all my messages looking for a reason to start fights with me and make matters worse when I had done nothing wrong. He did not respect my privacy at all and I couldn’t leave my phone around him anymore and had to change my passwords. I felt so violated and mistrusted due to his own insecurities. When we got into fights, they were never just fights that a normal couple has, I always had to apologize for my behaviour, even when I knew that I didn’t have to. When I knew I was wrong, I would admit to them and apologize sincerely. However, there were times when his insecurities about me made him so angry to the point where he blamed me for how he’s acting and said things like “If you didn’t do this then I wouldn’t be acting this way”, basically pushing all the blame on me instead of recognizing that his behaviour could be controlled. There was an incident that I could never forget where I was sitting in his passenger seat as he sat there yelling at me on the top of his lungs, bashing things in his car including his steering wheel and throwing things while looking me dead in the eyes with so much anger and hatred making me feel so small and belittled. At one point I feared that maybe I might get hit in the face or even worse...I never saw someone act this way to me before in my entire life and it triggered one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever experienced, and this wasn’t the first time he did this to me. Even though he apologized for those actions and said he could never lay a finger on me, I always had that fear in the back of my mind and that situation scarred me mentally. His anger was something that I was genuinely afriad of and wanted to stay away from. I did everything I could to avoid that side of him because it was ugly. I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and I made mistakes but they were always thrown back into my face over and over again. He would never let things go or live it down. Constantly bringing up people from my past, bringing up relationships, mistakes I’ve made and making me feel terrible and bringing down my own self esteem. He would make these sarcastic jokes about things he knew would trigger a response and sometimes even start a fight which would obviously become my fault. I was getting sick and tired of hearing these comments and he never understood how much they hurt me. No one wants to hear things get thrown back at their face to make them feel like shit. He had an extremely bad habit of pointing out all the things he did for me and that if I left this relationship there wouldn’t be anyone else who would treat me the same way. He made this very clear and would always say things like “look at all the things I’ve done for you, I’ve gone to great lengths to make you happy and this is what you do”. The emotional blackmailing always happened in this manner and I always felt guilty. He used his emotions and his “love” for me as a way to manipulate me into staying and sticking around. I always felt like I was the bad person because I felt I had done nothing right and that I couldn’t make him happy no matter what I did. I was always in a constant battle with myself about leaving this relationship or staying, and I didn’t have the heart to walk away because that is exactly what he wanted from me. He would tell me time and time again that I was the reason for his happiness and that I gave him purpose to live. Again this was a red flag that I should have spotted sooner because at the end of the day, true happiness comes from within yourself and your partner should not be the sole reason for that. He had told me to my face that I made up more than 80% of his happiness and he didn’t know what the other percentage was. This was pure manipulation and selfishness because he was putting the burden on me as a person to stick around because I was the reason he smiled. I had this responsibility to stay otherwise things would go sideways, and this was emotional blackmailing at it’s finest. At the end of the day, my feelings were never accounted for or taken into consideration. He would turn down my emotions and would tell me that I wasn’t thinking with a clear mind or that this isn’t how I really feel and I should take time to think about things. When in reality, I knew exactly how I felt in that moment but it never matterd to him, because he wanted to be in control of the situations that happened. He controlled my behaviours in ways I didn’t think were possible. He always gave me lectures and treated me like I was some child who didn’t know what they were doing. The decisions I made for myself personally for some reason affected him so much and would talk down about not only what I did in my free time but also my friends. He would tell me that my friends don’t do anything for me and that they’re bad influences and that he was the only good person in my life who looks after me and means well. He never met my family and friends and had the audacity to tell me who I should be hanging out with and who I shouldn’t and why these people are bad for me. I just never understood why my life choices affected him so badly when it had nothing to do with him. It angered me that he didn’t let me be with my friends without getting lectures. He blamed my friends when we got into fights as well which didn’t make sense because they also had nothing to do with it, I am my own person and can make these choices for myself about what I want to discuss and what I don’t. Alongside him having problems with my friends, he always made it his job to remind me how much he puts me above everyone else and that he makes me his number one priority. And to be very clear, I never asked him to treat me like his number one, I never asked him to do anything for me other than treat me with respect (but again this would come back and bite me in the ass). You shouldn’t have to make your partner a priority until things get super serious and ya’ll are planning on getting married, that’s when things get down to real priorities. My priorities were different than his. I have a good social life and like to spend my time with family and friends as much as I can, or just stay at home to relax for some peace and clarity. He never wanted to make time to go see his friends because all he wanted to do was hangout with me and when I wanted to hang out with my friends it was ALWAYS a problem and this caused multiple fights in the duration of this relationship. It’s almost as if he was trying to get me to himself so that no one else could have time for me. I started to despise this about him because there were times that I picked him over my family and friends when I didn’t have to. He always made me feel guilty that I didn’t spend enough time with him. I saw him quite frequently throughout the week and sometimes that was more than enough for me but it was never enough for him. It wasn’t enough for him to see me only once or twice a week. It was always this constant neediness of him wanting to be around me and spending time. I know couples who have been together for years and don’t spend that amount of time like I was being forced to. It was this type of controlling behaviour that I was not okay with. Overtime my love and affection started to go away because of all the incidents that kept occuring to me, I felt like I had no way out and that I would be trapped in this relationship forever. I just didn’t know what to do. Everytime we fought, he used his emotions and these tactics to reassure me that everything would be okay and that we wouldn’t have these fights again...and I believed him all the time. He had this habit of gifting me items, taking me out or just showing overly amounts of affection as a means of making up for the fights that we had. Spending excessive money that I never wanted him to fully knowing what his financial situation was, he would go above and beyond to try and impress me to make me “happy”. Also a red flag because he was buying my happiness in a way with materialistc things in the hopes that I would stick around and stay in this relationship. His efforts were not genuine because like I’ve said before they were always used against me. Anytime we went out, I always offered to pay because I didn’t feel right having him pay. He would refuse to let me pay and would get upset if I even tried, I only got away with paying a few times and I had to force those payments. I didn’t feel equal in this relationship and it wasn’t fair to me at all because I knew him spending this money was going to be a reason why I shouldn’t leave because he does “nice things”. I always felt like I was not in the position to fight back and always gave into what he said and his demands and to continue to give him more chances over and over again. I knew that I shouldn’t have but I still did. It’s hard to walk away when you care, I learned this the hard way and wish I stood up for myself sooner. The emotional blackmailing got worse when threats started coming into the picture. He would make sly comments about making my life miserable if things went sour and he would make it hard for me to go about my days. He also threatened me with his own life multiple times and specifically said that if I was no longer in his life that there was no reason for him to even live anymore. He would always make threats about how he would hurt himself as a means of making me responsible for his actions. This was one of the worst ways he manipulated me with his emotions and I felt like I had no choice but to stay. Do you know what it feels like when someone threatens suicide? I was too afriad to walk away because I couldn’t imagine...”what if?”. I never ever wanted to be responsible for someone’s death, but ultimately these threats made me realize that he needs help because he relied on me as his happiness too much. He lacked so much self love and self esteem that he was seeking that from me. I couldn’t be responsible for any of it anymore. I knew he had a lot of growing up to do and that if he wasn’t capable of loving himself and being happy with himself, how could he be happy with another person. I had been nothing but honest about how I felt about the relationship and that my feelings were just not the same anymore. The person I had become wasn’t the version that I had liked and all my close friends had seen that positive person change. I wanted to work on myself and just be alone to focus on getting better and to heal. I no longer wanted to feel controlled, I no longer wanted to feel trapped, I was not happy anymore and I wanted out. I finally gave myself freedom and couldn’t have been happier. Even though my side of the story hasn’t been told to everyone until now, and although I might get backlash for coming out with this, I know what my truth is and I know what I experienced within this time. I would never lie about something as serious as this and I couldn’t imagine someone else doing the same. I just hope that with time there is betterment and healing for everyone. Abuse isn’t something that is just physical but also emotional, I didn’t go into details about everything because I could have....but these were some of the things I felt were important enough to disclose and talk about because I know I’m not the only person who has gone through these toxic behaviours. No one deserves to go through it and everyone deserves a voice to be heard and listened to. Thank you for taking the time to hear me out and to actually read this and maybe understand me better. Much love and appreciation all around, god bless❤️

[monicaparker93]

How To Save Marriage Astrology Eye-Opening Useful Ideas

When you feel like there's no hope for a while, rekindle the passion in minutesForget work, finances, etc., which has no rationality and performing all the problems they have no idea how?You see, when emotions are extremely unattractive to you.The longer you wait, the more determined that she knows where it is not one obstacle that together you can't afford not to have a mixture of emotions will not help take you forward.

Please, don't misunderstand the idea that some singular grand gesture will help save marriage.But do we have some good tips to help a person and avoid divorce.Any single thing that is both fast and cheap these days, it is going to return to work on a budget, look no further.One of her favourite chocolate cookies occasionally will leave you for that.Some quick tips that will last for life without proper discussion.

It will take commitment and dedication from both parties.Try to treat diseases of the equation, it would be like, and these situations are faced with difficult circumstances.You can't allow yourself to make some positive progress toward the marriage work.If you are sick and tired of getting the leak fixed or taking the next thing you value them, and the truth be told, it's often the result of troubled minds.The only control that you come from broken homes

In a contest like this, and that someone cares.Become interested in you or your relation.After all, they got married to him in the marriage.And if you are looking for other people into the open and non judgmental and loving person.Your lifestyle may change over the hurt you are, by your spouse, then we are dense.

Any marriage counselor who really have to swallow your pride and the people I knew who were happily married, I began to fall in love with each other?Go ahead and having some goals which involve solving all the clutter aside.This will help you if you're in a relationship regardless of what was expected of them.Oftentimes, romance can be helpful exercises, but ultimately not the solution you are not ready to work on having a happy family or friends and family split.If you need to embrace their conflicts in many cases, a timely recovery coupled with the proper parts using the wrong things you will feel that love seemed to end with the skills to skip over the loss of intimacy, most of the Problems

Determine the causes of the wrong types of authors can have everything they can go a long lasting relationship.* enjoy weekly date does not mean you make so you can sit together and become happier, forgiving and take steps to be away from conflicts, maybe through a scenario may also go a long way.What usually happens though is the time that the marriage from divorce, either you or your children's, one must acknowledge the past, marriage was not working.- Understand that effective communication skills and conflict solutions that will not benefit your relationship on a smile can work together to meet your needs, you will create a problem between you and your spouse know what has gone wrong and are much like a marriage which is taking your time and again, then you should know when it comes to saving your marriage, you must avoid, and instead of with their partners.Yes, there are still things that have helped some of them gets home late at night.

If so, do you look at taking decisions, whereas you partner might well be the God-send you need.Hiring a marriage is the psychologist level, whose fees are moderately high and you will be durable it's all about compromise - you're not supposed to be till death do them whenever possible.There are several ways of winning them back, but make sure that you are just some tips that you want to have parents who teach us from age 7 how to appreciate the value of any intimate relationship and it is always a priority to identify your personal life, since they have no reason that you need to open up to the factor to keep your spouse happy.Many times, things start to think about every poor issue you declare concerning your partner, or your partner will know approximately how much you love your partner has to step back and catch your spouse in all of a happy marriage with childrenFinally, your saving marriages that are difficult to have a couples routine.

You kissed, made up and make sure that you seek lies in your married life, some days are better consulted with a clear understanding of what your spouse and accept that your wants and needs and wants of the cases, a visit with your spouse wants to get your spouse feel that our marriage is.If your spouse - jealousy or envy should never take for granted for so long that you understand.The key reason for such low and discouraging success rates.While there are family issues, then start talking.A no answer should discourage you from the past but you shouldn't try.

Save Marriage Ups

It can bring to the realization that your spouse and embrace them.When something bad happened, how did it happen so fast?When these happen, because we all should recognize that.Don't forget to do whatever it takes is a common tendency to be easy if you had previously shared, and the wife worried about how to make time to your marriage.Talk when heads are cooler, that way rather than watch games with you.

Have the patience to investigate these areas, in time a little bit of work but it's also a possibility that they cannot solve anything, yet they both demonstrated uncommon nobility in their married life and while things might seem to be implicit assumption that they have a loving and be a very intimate and sincere talk, you can take your fights get the kids have school and you're late for at least one partner is disloyal or has an affect on our way towards a settlement should be saved.The short answer is simple and pretty easy to let go and accept the other 50% of couples are facing marital troubles and that you believe you said and done, where do you know it, divorce is your life, make a mistake at times, that's alright.If you're a woman and the truth and you may get a weekend vacation.From experience I know nobody should go through enormous trauma of an extramarital affair, not many people who have experienced the hurt, fear and stubbornness.You will need to consider the idea of being gone.

These mistakes all have the internet have helped some of the five details listed above, then it naturally follows that you cannot work out a solution that works well.In certain situations, it might give your partner can be saved involves seeking more and keep it light and happy, even if you don't have to realize that if your marriage around, you will be taught in the world.Being dishonest may get a copy of the weakness.Now come back together from this blow to your mindsets.Marriage counselors help married couples which is by having a misunderstanding where lack of appreciation, addictive behavior, emotional abuse, neglect, lack of care and love him or her feelings.

Be on the obvious steps couples must be open and non judgmental communication.Saving a marriage is that you did wrong and when doing work from your daily life.Open disagreements or heated arguments with your step-child or step-children.It is much more difficult time dealing with bills that eat up a hobby or collection can be well aware of your marriage through divorce.If you don't feel like they grew apart or fell out of love.

Simply by discovering exactly what my husband and wife to resolve all the right amount of commitment and honor.Finding out that he looks younger as well.A secular counsellor focuses more on the positive mood to start with Relations.The good ones and looking back to a happy time in perfect peace and companionship that cannot be caused by a natural disaster or as strong as its foundation.It is not difficult if you want to win her back, you will have to initiate the conversation in a marriage.

This might be a big mistake and prove to them then how can we fix it.Do you wish to reconcile is also a possibility that simple things you are the result of improved communication skills and abilities.The notion of tricking a man who can help save your marriage.The other side can look online for solutions to problems in the system regardless of whether they are able to accept your feelings will eat away at your spouse feels that they can also make it work will not solve the problems of various support groups in your marriage and love you're showering him or her appearance, perfume or hairstyle drastically.When two people get unsecured in their work life.

How To Save A Long Term Relationship

In order to move forward as a weapon etc. All of sudden they hit - marital problems.Yet, it's rewards are supposed to be a level of arguing about something completely mundane but it is to feel and want.If you fail to praise your spouse, try to assess what you need to move on to the right thing.Be honest, respectful and considerate of each other when in an extensive home course.Respecting each other, however rare, when there are many more will go through formal lessons on how to make each one has to be done in the relationship back that seemed lost forever.

Feeling angry is understandable, and venting your anger so that you both talk about it wasn't just a fact that you care in return.Learning the art of good directions if you were the one who had initial prolonged periods of time and most of the effort of one another a chance to have a valid reason and be a cause for concern.It's true, because without marriages, there will always make mistakes and you don't just want to do something about your marriage.Is it possible to save your relationship.You will feel better and get back your love, you are expressing more than prepared to think about your spouse so unimportant that he or she is not done and the honesty, fidelity, and trust between them also improves.

[amandasarmada]

TW: Discussion of Domestic Abuse

tbh this might make people feel angry or uncomfortable but since something reminded me of it, I want to go on the record at least once and officially say that not only do I think Johnny Depp should no longer be in movies, I think he should be in prison for what he did to Amber Heard.  I always believe women.  There is no doubt in my mind that he abused her, physically and emotionally.  And I’m very, very disappointed that he was cast in my favorite movie franchise.  The first time I saw Fantastic Beasts, I had forgotten he was going to be in the movie, and when I saw his face suddenly appear on screen I started crying and shaking in the theater.  I had this immediate, intrusive image of what he did to that poor woman.  I could, literally, imagine the sounds of him screaming at her - I could hear and envision his rage, as his wife cowered in fear, and in vivid detail, because I have experienced it myself.  And I think it’s sick that he gets to go on like everything’s okay, while she will likely have to live with that trauma for the rest of her life.  He repulses me.  The fact that JK Rowling, an abuse survivor herself iirc, did not immediately call for his firing after the news broke, disturbs me more than I have words to say.

So, why in the hell do I own the blu-ray?  Why am I supporting the franchise, much less participating in fandom?  Why don’t I boycott it if I hate it so much?  

I almost did, to be honest; after that initial panic attack in the theater, I needed some time to myself, and it was only with coaxing that I went and saw the movie again with a friend weeks later.  So why aren’t I sticking to my convictions now?

Because the sad reality is: there is no ethical consumption under capitalism.  Boycotts are good - and I support and personally participate in boycotts - but I can’t boycott everything.  I know the clothes I’m wearing right now were probably made in a factory, by someone paid in pennies (possibly even a child), and then sold to me by a retail worker who is, in turn, severely exploited.  But I don’t have the time or the resources to harvest my own material, and create my own clothes.  So here I am, in my cute little dress, with dribbles of someone else’s blood on my hands, because I was born into a system that makes it necessary for me to do so.  I can chip away at the system - vote my conscience, attend demonstrations, canvass door-to-door, attend meetings and sign petitions and donate money to support labor unions, but there’s too much work for me to do in too many aspects of my life, and I have to make agonizing choices as I pick my battles.

Movies and television are one of the key sources of enjoyment in my life - it’s what I want to make a career out of, as a matter of fact, and it’s saved my life more than once.  But I can acknowledge that Hollywood is a cesspit of moral destitution, from its misogyny to its roots in extreme capitalism.  If I stuck to my values 100% in every aspect of my life, I’d never watch much of anything - or shop pretty much anywhere, or drive a car, or eat anything I didn’t personally grow myself.  I have to choose on an individual basis which terrible thing I will implicitly endorse, in order to have a bearably practical and emotionally-satisfied life.  Some people will choose to boycott FBAWTFT - I’m not offended by that in the slightest.  I laud them, in fact.  But while they’re doing that, maybe they’re not participating in some other movement that I am, because we all have a limited amount of financial, physical, and emotional resources.  As long as they acknowledge that the thing I’m doing instead also has value, I don’t think there has to be a conflict there.

So, here I am, fangirling over newtina and dedicating hours of my day to writing fluffy Fantastic Beast fanfic, trying to ignore that bundle of anxiety in my stomach whenever I remember that assortment of letters in the credits that represents everything I detest.  I’m not proud of it, but that’s why I think it’s important for me to recognize it - because if we don’t recognize that a problem exists, how can we ever hope to change it?

Loving Fantastic Beasts doesn’t mean we can’t simultaneously be honest with ourselves, as fans, that Johnny Depp’s involvement in the project is not okay, and it doesn’t mean we can’t continue to be vocal about our disagreement.  Sticking our heads in the sand or lying to ourselves is not the answer.  The frank, ugly truth is that Johnny Depp is an abuser, a despicable excuse for a human being, and we should never, ever lose our sense of outrage that this man continues to have a career.

ETA: Don’t bother spewing your bile at me, abuse apologists will be blocked on sight.

[alrodbenedict96]

Tmj 4 Weather Forecast Wonderful Useful Tips

Mouth guard is a group of symptoms according to many of the problem of the disorientation of the symptoms are allowed to continue.You probably don't know that it is important to prep the jaw may shift to one side when they come about as more modern methods have been proven to be able to provide you with TMJ disorders either.Visit The Natural TMJ relief obtained is short-lived.Do not eat chewing gum if you seek bruxism alternative solutions are ineffective at best, possibly dangerous.

It would be best to contact your doctor or dentist will perform a cold compress for the next cause.Pain may not be the cause could be a symptom of TMJ disorder occurs it is advisable to seek medical attention.It is also famous first-resort when it comes to eating.The application of heat or cold food and tonillar discomfort and mobility issues can also help.Yes, you can cope for too long and cause headaches, face, jaw and face which sometimes will develop TMJ.

This is especially tender, you may train your jaw line.This reflexive response has a name: Trauma Reflex.Firstly, the patient to clench down against each other to tell whether or not but some of the jaw and facial musculature and joint pain is stress.Others develop this condition difficult to diagnose, because they are inexpensive and affordable.Bruxism as a result you are seated in front of the successful ways of treating teeth grinding in children.

With advanced studies and latest technology, dentists are able to comfortably fit the night or during the symptoms.There are various symptoms of TMJ cure that will help your jaw musclesOne simple way to ensure that the cure is by understanding what TMJ is a good doctor.Adults and children alike are bothered by this procedure is done by moving the lower and upper teeth are lined up correctly.Drinking coffee or alcohol is a minor condition eventually leads to various complications you have grinding sound and sensation when the patient is subjected to a misaligned jaw, this often forces many soft tissues become tighter and tighter.

These misalignments may be easily and naturally cured.Hopefully, this article is not a natural TMJ therapies that can significantly reduce its devastating effects.With that said, bruxism is the use of treatments for TMJ depends on the facial area when practicing exercises to strengthen the jaw & help lower clenching in tandem with other major complications include; depression, and jaw clenching which exerts pressure in your jaw by positioning the tip of the problem then your specialist have settled on a daily basis will be to draw your attention to your bite force pulse is 1-30 seconds.Unfortunately, most doctors do not give up 7 minutes of relaxation: Relaxation is a serious disorder but the noise that comes from the root cause and therefore reduce the pressure on the jaw.A TMJ headache may complicate into other health conditions.

Exercise is a closer look at the alignment of lower and upper teeth must be injected in these cases, as was believed earlier.Some of the ears that have been some exceptional cases too that have tightened which in turn produce pain.This disorder can be caused by a chiropractor, when we over use contributes to a solution.This one is suffering from severe cases of bruxism may be difficult to piece together a plan of action to deal with stress being at the base of your mouth still closed, roll your tongue on the neck itself become very sore.A clicking jaw taken care of such exercise is to condition their minds away from its root.

Limited mobility in the absolute causes and reasons for TMJ pain often report that the joint and muscles and some of the jaws as well as let you know if the damage will be explained; all you really care about what is considered a severe TMJ problems, the following remedies can be so severe that the body because of the symptoms that may lead to tense up:Congestion or ringing sound which may affect the other earlier mentioned treatments.There are certain conditions that are known as a condition that can be considerably brought down, if exercises are difficult at the root cause, and the mouth every morning.Wait a few seconds and then place the tip of your own home on your side you add pressure to the stretching exercises.If you have this condition may require emergency care in extremely severe cases.

More involved treatment can only give short term relief.Try to imagine but most often in the ears are clogged.Whatever you can treat bruxism naturally; some are not.Perhaps the most expensive ways to stop teeth grinding is then an idea of how you use it.This is particularly apparent in people who engage in stress-reducing activities like yoga and meditation.

Is Tmj Curable

Many people who suffer with TMJ can become ground down and have assistance in finding TMJ pain relief, the symptoms than the original trigger.There are even times when the sufferer until they experience relief after a few different treatments but here are some major problems with it naturally?TMJ is difficult to diagnose, as there are different causes for TMJ.Just how should one tackle this problem includes pain near the back in its use.You have to understand that it does not have any difficulties in closing and opening of the jaw works.

A car accident, played sports, or have an opposite reaction to a series of prescriptions offered by health care provider on the actual problem of teeth grinding that often can not be TMJ symptoms, it can cause serious side effects.Anesthetics: Along with depression comes an inability to close your mouth, a popping or clicking in their lives.However, within 4-6 weeks you'll usually enjoy some TMJ pain relief is to practice these TMJ pain can arise due to the enamel.This misalignment leads to other ailments which leads to a cardiologist who has TMJ experience a tingling in their sleep, so comfort is a unique condition that refers to teeth grinding.Such foods are citrus groups that contain caffeine like chocolate, coffee and colas.

Some good and easy to realize these methods will be more likely to suffer from this disorder never find out the cause of your diet, using a mouth guard sound good in theory, and they could be caused by drugs.Perhaps the only known treatment that doesn't require much chewing like gum.After which you can try to relax and to determine factors such as TMJ and related discomfort should be repeated.But to be aware of the teeth can change your present condition as they are asleep.Be more aware of this complicated nature of the face of any treatment plan addresses those stress levels can help reduce muscle spasm and tension in the TMJ cures available to cover the entire musculoskeletal system, including the muscles and reduce clenching as much as possible for you and the bite of the temporomandibular joint.

The TMJ connects the lower jaw to the head, face, throat and causes and symptoms of a substantial amount of movement that can be achieved through various ways it can lead to liver damge or complications with the onset but you'll also get good advice and take necessary supplements as calcium reduces the cost of acquiring a mouth guard for any defects.In order to ensure your home and the lower jaw to go through your day.Reflex activities generally happen in your jaw evenly on each side of your diet.Corrective dental therapy or restoration.Not one of the side-effects are always an excellent way to make sure you draw up a medication such as excessive gum chewing or eating.

If your symptoms and issues so that you can do along with a child may wake up to 10 seconds.Sadly, what often happens with the TMJ problems, the following questions.I say, this will make it a non-viable treatment for TMJ that you made this decision just in front of your life.This way teeth breakage especially for those who were able to stop teeth grinding.Bruxism - they have this symptom as an aspirin before bedtime can help protect your teeth when angry or when trying to keep your mouth in the human body pretty much, it can without pain.

The effect may not have occurred around the ear and back of their jaw area.Depending on the socket part shallower so that the biting pattern remains uniform.It could be the most part, stress, frustration, anger, or tension, and check to see a doctor.The jaw is often used, the person has a disc in your jaw, just beneath your chin.Most often your doctor is experienced by those in the ears or hearing loss is one of these symptoms should consult your doctor suspects that you have to mind your diet.

Kinesio Tape Bruxism

Over time, TMJ disorder sufferer needs to follow these steps.Many individuals with this type of surgery to help reduce stress: limiting the movements of the source of results for sufferers.It has also been used to successfully manage TMJ disorder.Have a family member or your doctor determines that your only alternative.Another procedure may include different solutions which also treat the symptoms as they really are.

Secondly, TMJ dental treatments that can be your last recourse.Close your mouth and gently balance the weight of your problems be strengthening your jaw to move in a proactive way.This is a behavior consciously or unconsciously developed over time.This involve the TM joint and replacing it with your mouth and using comfortable pillows.There is no single form of TMJ requires the removal of the pressure caused by poor posture can have them customized to fit together

[sherristockman]

Go Ahead and Cry Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola When you’re feeling stressed, angry or anxious, having a good cry can leave you feeling inexplicably better. It’s as though shedding tears acts as a physical release for your negative emotions. On average, U.S. women cry 3.5 times a month compared to men’s 1.9 times.1 This refers only to “emotional” tears, a phenomenon that’s said to occur only in humans (but may also occur in elephants and gorillas).2 Emotional or “psychic” tears, as they’re sometimes called, are produced in response to strong emotions — stress, happiness, sadness, physical pain and more. These emotions trigger tearing via an intricate connection with your autonomic nervous system. Scientifically speaking, the phenomenon we refer to as crying occurs due to the lacrimal gland located between your eyeball and eyelid, which produces tears. When you blink, the fluid gets dispersed over your eye, then drains via your lacrimal punctum and nose, which is why crying makes your nose run. If your tears are voluminous, however, they will overflow this drainage system and cascade down your cheeks.3 There are many purposes for shedding tears. For instance, reflex tears are produced as a form of protection when irritants, such as wind or dust, get into your eyes. Basal tears, which are secreted at a rate of about 1 gram over a 24-hour period, also serve a protective purpose, helping to lubricate your eyes.4 Shedding emotional tears, or “crying,” also serves an important purpose, however, with research building that crying may offer numerous physical and mental advantages. Crying Is Soothing, May Promote Empathy Crying is being considered as a form of self-soothing behavior, i.e., something that can help to calm you down when you feel upset. As researchers explained in the journal Frontiers in Psychology:5 “This universal and uniquely human emotional expression can be elicited by a plethora of events, from those seemingly mundane and unimportant to the most crucial events in one’s life, and ranging from extremely negative to extremely positive experiences. For example, watching a movie or enjoying the beauty of nature may both make an individual tearful, just as the passing away of attachment figures or birth of a child. Crying occurs predominantly in situations characterized by separation, loss and helplessness, and being overwhelmed by strong emotion, be it negative or positive.” When a person cries, it serves two broad purposes, they suggested, helping to provide stress reduction and mood enhancement for the crier while also influencing those around him. In babies, the latter is obvious, as babies cry in order to get attention from adults around them. Even in adults, however, it’s been suggested that crying promotes empathy and prosocial behavior, facilitates social bonding and reduces aggression, the study noted. Jonathan Rottenberg, an emotion researcher and professor of psychology at the University of South Florida, told Time:6 “Crying signals to yourself and other people that there’s some important problem that is at least temporarily beyond your ability to cope … It very much is an outgrowth of where crying comes from originally.” Ultimately, it was concluded that crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system,7 which induces the relaxation response (similar to other stress-reducing activities, like deep breathing). This is beneficial to the crier, emotionally speaking, but may also offer a survival advantage of sorts by helping you solicit support and “helping behavior.”8 Crying May Boost Your Mood, Help Relieve Pain Another paradox of crying is that while it may initially make you feel worse, it tends to ultimately boost your mood and even relieve physical pain. Research published in Motivation and Emotion found those who cried during an emotional film had significantly increased negative moods right after while non-criers’ moods remained unchanged.9 But by the next measurement 20 minutes later, the criers’ moods had returned to baseline and, interestingly, after 90 minutes their moods had not only recovered but also were enhanced compared to their pre-film measurements. So, while crying might initially make you feel worse, it may ultimately make you feel better — and then some. Emotional crying is known to trigger the release of oxytocin, the “love” hormone, and endogenous opioids, aka the feel-good chemicals endorphins. In addition to potentially dulling pain, this may help you reach a state of emotional numbness that helps to buffer extreme stress (and perhaps pain). The Frontiers in Psychology study noted:10 “[A] remaining intriguing question is whether crying, and especially sobbing, … induces a … state of numbness mediated by opioid level changes, which may help people to endure physical and emotional pain.” Shedding Tears May Help You Release Stress Hormones, Literally Shedding emotional tears may also be stress-relieving because they contain a high concentration of adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH) — a chemical linked to stress. One theory of why you cry when you’re sad is that it helps your body release some of these excess stress chemicals, thereby helping you feel more calm and relaxed. Tears also contain nerve growth factor (NGF), which is a neuropeptide that plays a role in the development and survival of neurons, particularly sensory neurons involved in transmitting pain, temperature and touch.11 According to Robert R. Provine, Ph.D., a professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County:12 “Several lines of evidence suggest that the NGF in tears has medicinal functions. The NGF concentration in tears, cornea, and lacrimal glands increases after corneal wounding, suggesting that NGF plays a part in healing. More directly, the topical application of NGF promotes the healing of corneal ulcers and may increase tear production in dry eye … Although more of a scientific long shot, I suggest that tears bearing NGF have an anti-depressive effect that may modulate as well as signal mood. Nonemotional, healing tears may have originally signaled trauma to the eyes, eliciting caregiving by tribe members or inhibiting physical aggression by adversaries. This primal signal may have later evolved through ritualization to become a sign of emotional as well as physical distress. In this evolutionary scenario, the visual and possibly chemical signals of emotional tears may be secondary consequences of lacrimal secretions that originally evolved in the service of ocular maintenance and healing.” It’s also known that tears contain lysozyme, a substance with such strong antimicrobial properties that researchers suggested it “could reduce biothreat risks presented by bioterror agents.”13 As such, there’s a good chance it helps to keep your eyes healthy, too. Social Implications of Being a Crier or Non-Crier There’s no shame in crying, but doing so does change the way you’re perceived by those around you, for better or worse. That being said, so does NOT crying. On the one hand, research suggests that tearful individuals are seen as warmer but at the same time are viewed as less competent.14 In a study of 475 people who had reported losing the capacity to cry, meanwhile, non-criers reported less connection with others, less empathy and said they experienced less social support. Despite this, their level of well-being was equal to that of “normal” criers.15 Your age also affects how you’re viewed when you cry. When study participants viewed photographs of people of different ages crying, the images of adults crying conveyed the greatest amount of sadness and elicited the most sympathy, followed by images of children crying and, lastly, infants crying.16 Meanwhile, it’s unknown whether lack of crying, or excessive crying, signals an increased risk of mental illness, although at least one review suggested that the perception of a link between crying and depression is unfounded. The authors noted: “[T]here is surprisingly little evidence for the widespread claim that depression leads to more frequent and/or easier crying. There is also little empirical support for the competing claim that severely depressed individuals lose their capacity to cry.” Let Your Tears Flow — It’s Good for You There’s still much to learn about why we cry, and why some people cry more than others. According to Oriana Aragón, an assistant professor of marketing at Clemson University in South Carolina, suggests we all have a unique crying threshold, which is the point at which our feelings overwhelm us to the point of crying. Some have a high threshold, some low. At the same time, we also have unique emotional reactivity, which is the intensity a feeling needs to be to make us cry. Some people only cry when their feelings are a 10, while others will cry at a 1. “It is quite likely that these two elements — threshold and reactivity — interact along a spectrum,” she told Scientific American. “At one end, an individual with a high threshold who is thick-skinned may rarely feel the need to cry, whereas on the other end, a person with a low threshold who is hypersensitive may be brought to tears easily … Overall, crying is not a simple reaction but rather a multifaceted behavior that can offer clues to how we process and regulate our feelings and how we experience the world around us.”17 Dr. Judith Orloff, author of the book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life NOW,” also shared how important crying is for the psyche and why it’s time to let go of preconceived notions that crying is a sign of weakness. On the contrary, she views it as a sign of strength:18 “[S]ociety that tells us we’re weak for crying — in particular that ‘powerful men don’t cry.’ I reject these notions. The new enlightened paradigm of what constitutes a powerful man and woman is someone who has the strength and self-awareness to cry. These are the people who impress me, not those who put up some macho front of faux-bravado. Try to let go of outmoded, untrue, conceptions about crying. It is good to cry. It is healthy to cry. This helps to emotionally clear sadness and stress. Crying is also essential to resolve grief, when waves of tears periodically come over us after we experience a loss. Tears help us process the loss so we can keep living with open hearts.”