#getting to write about my favorite characters today is a gift in and of itself in all honesty

[cerise-on-top]

HELOOOOOOO IM BACKKK

can we get some Valeria Garza headcanons? :p

LOVE UR WORK AS ALWAYS DRINK WATER BYEBYEEE

-☁️

Hello! Welcome back :> I wasn't sure if you wanted general HCs or romantic ones, so I did both! I hope they're enjoyable! In regards to these HCs, there's one mention of drugs, but the HCs are about Valeria, so that's to be expected!

Also, to anyone reading this: Merry Christmas and/or happy holidays! I'm saying this today because in my country we celebrate Christmas today and not on the 25th! I'm wishing you all a few lovely days ahead :-)

General:

Playing games of any kind with her is actually infuriating and almost unfair. You’d think games like Monopoly would be fair since it’s based on luck for the most part, but no. I can assure you Valeria could set a world record on beating someone at Monopoly. But it’s not just that game either. You wanna poker with her? Tycoon? Sixty-Six? Granted, they require some skill as well, but she uses her nogging on a daily basis, so it’s not like she doesn’t know what she’s doing. And even if you only explained the rules to her once, she’ll beat you soon enough. Might also be prone to cheating, but you’ll only ever accuse her of doing so whenever she actually wasn’t. It’s not illegal or forbidden if no one ever finds out. The stakes can be pretty high, she’s not afraid to play for money either. But I advise you to maybe play over gummy bears or lollipops or something. She won’t be happy, she will complain, but it beats losing all your money to a businesswoman of her caliber.

When she was a kid she actually didn’t mind Christmas all that much, she quite liked it. It was colorful, it was bright, it was nice. Her parents may not have been the richest people, but she usually got what she wanted for Christmas as well, so it wasn’t a particularly sad time for her back then. Even now her cartel is doing well during that time since people like to fill the gaping holes within their hearts with drugs so they won’t have to think about being alone and freezing during such a festive time. She doesn’t get jolly like she used to, she won’t even wear a Christmas hat, but she can appreciate Christmas, if just for her earning a bit more money than she normally would. You can even give her gifts during this time. Depending on who they’re from and what it is, she might just throw them away, but if it’s something nice from someone she’s close with then she might just keep it for a little while longer. Although Valeria would never admit it, she does like cookies quite a lot. She can’t bake particularly well, not that she has the time for that either, but that won’t stop her from eating a few whenever she receives some from a trustworthy source. There is an elderly lady in Las Almas who she likes to buy them from occasionally. That lady is a real sweetheart, so Valeria is sure the cookies aren’t poisoned.

No one ever gets to enjoy it anymore these days, but Valeria can cook pretty well. She learned how to very early on so she could relieve her mother a bit from her burdens, but it stuck with her. She has a real knack for how much spice you put in which dish. Yes, she’s a bit rusty since she hasn’t cooked for herself in quite a while, but if you’re her s/o and you’re sick, you might just receive some birria or carne guisada. It’ll be unlike anything you’ve ever tasted. Her food is a bit spicy, so if you’re not used to spicy food it can and will leave you teary eyed, but it’s really good. Naturally, her specialties include, for the most part, Mexican dishes only. But, in theory, you could give her any recipe and it would turn out just fine. Except for anything sweet. Sweets she cannot do at all, they’ll always turn out terrible. It used to get to her when she was young, but these days she couldn’t care less. She isn’t anyone’s housewife, so why should she care? Back in the day when she still had time for dating someone properly, a telltale sign she was mad at you would be her cooking for you, but making it unbearably spicy. Valeria could always eat it, she can eat any spicy pepper as a snack just like that and not be bothered at all.

Romantic:

It doesn’t matter who you are, Valeria will always be the dominant person among the two of you. Her personality alone won’t allow for much else, but there are also other circumstances as well. Besides, she’s been in the military and she can tell you from experience that the people there don’t think too highly of women. Ergo she wants to prove herself to be above those morons, especially Alejandro. While she might not be affectionate at all in public, it’s the small things in private that really show you who’s in control. Beckoning you closer with her finger, telling you how much of a good thing you are for her, moving you a bit so she can get to something she needs. Granted, it’s nothing big, she won’t put a collar on you, but she will do what she can to make you feel smaller than you actually are. It doesn’t matter if you’re 1,50m or 2m tall, whether you’re looking up at her or down on her, you will treat her with utmost respect. While she might seem degrading or mocking very often, she does take your feelings into account as well. If her being mean to you genuinely hurts you then she will do what she can to tone it down a bit. She won’t stop entirely, but she’ll better herself. You’re welcome to sass her back a bit, though. If it’s just some light joking around she won’t mind. Sass her back too hard and you will be put into place, though.

Going off of one of the previous points I made: Once Valeria loves you, she is completely and entirely committed to you. It doesn’t matter what you want, you’ll get it within days. You want someone’s head? Absolutely, no questions asked. Even something smaller, such as some clothing, jewelry, a video game console, a plushie. You name it, you’ll get it. You’re her everything in this rotten world, of course she’ll do what she can to keep you happy. And if one of those goons from the army ever tries to hurt you, then even the ninth layer of hell will seem like the greatest mercy the heavens and hell could muster. She’s fiercely protective over you. While she won’t kidnap you, she wants to keep you happy, after all, she will try to convince you to live with her. Somewhere in a place no one knows about, where it’s only you and her without a worry for those two pests, Alejandro and Rodolfo. If you ever were to meet those two then I can assure you, you’ll never see Valeria this angry again. She loathes those two men with her entire being. Not that she has a very high opinion of men to begin with. If one ever decides to lay his grubby, disgusting hands on you, regardless of whether it’s some guy from the streets or the president of the United States, he can say goodbye to his head.

As I said before, she’s a really good cook. In fact, she’s good at just about anything you can think of. Well, almost. Either way, she’d love it if you could cook well. In fact, having someone who’s willing to be a housespouse is a dream come true. She won’t always be able to come home to you immediately, but if she finds you having cooked her a delicious, hearty meal, she’ll be on cloud nine. But even if your food isn’t anything noteworthy she’ll still eat it because it’s from you. She may be a cruel woman at times, but Valeria does care about you and tries not to hurt your feelings too much. At best, not at all. If she comes home to your shared home being well taken care of by you, with you having cleaned all the rooms as well as all the clothes that needed washing, you’ll have earned something nice from her. If you aren’t able to do so, no worries, she can always just hire some personnel to take care of it. But if it was you, then just name what you want from her. You want some cuddles or a kiss? Naturally. Some tres leches or churros? She won’t make them herself, but you can bet she’ll get you some regardless. If she’s especially tired some sweet words might be exchanged as well, but don’t expect her to be like that every time. Sometimes she does want to be a bit sweeter than usual, tell you how grateful she is to have you, but she’s afraid you might think of her a bit less than before, even if it wouldn’t happen. So, while she may not be someone who enjoys giving words of affirmation unless she needs to, you can count on her showing you affection through gift giving and quality time.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

ok i have GOT to make a halloween request. i don’t really care which characters (tho scarvio main cast + jacq or turo is preferred at the time of writing this) but how about them reacting to the reader having halloween as their birthday? bc ofc it’s MY birthday so i feel obligated to request this lol and ofc u don’t have to do this but i thought it’d be fun to make some kind of halloween themed request ESP after seeing the security breach one. anyways have a nice day!!! :DDD -galaxy

Happy birthday!!! I haven't written for Pokémon in a hot minute

(Sorry,,I couldn't think of anything for Turo or Jacq so I hope the main trio is okay!)

........

Arven

"Wow, little buddy..so does this mean we can only celebrate one or the other?"

He's joking, of course, but he finds it cool that your birthday also falls on Halloween.

Growing up, he never really celebrated either occasion himself....although that doesn't mean he can't celebrate them with you!

He gifts you your favorite sandwich (of course, it's what he does best) and sets up a picnic where you two hang out for most of the day.

By nightfall, you learn of a mass outbreak of ghost types and drag him around, trying to catch them all before dawn.

Although Mabosstiff has the clear type advantage should any of them wanna fight, Arven still gets spooked easily.

Especially as a mischievous Trevenant disguising itself as a normal tree scared the hell out of him.

Turns out you asked it to beforehand (with you promising to catch it should it succeed), and he's not amused in the slightest.

He doesn't stay mad forever, though. It IS your birthday, after all.

Nemona

Girl goes above and beyond tbh.

And by that, I mean she organizes a whole Halloween/birthday party for you in one of the classrooms (with the director's permission, ofc).

She got cute little outfits for her main Pokémon team and had them all surprise you when you walked through the door.

Honestly?

You expected nothing less from her.

So the rest of the day is filled with fun spooky activities that she (unwillingly) drags Arven and Penny into.

Her gift to you is a Dipplin!

Since it's like a candy apple and a super cool dragon type, she thought it was perfect (her connections in Kitakami came in handy this year).

She would def make sure to celebrate your birthday like this every year even after you all graduate.

Penny

She already knew long before you told her (girl does her research).

But she doesn't plan on making a huge deal out of it. Big celebrations were never really her thing, and you knew that too.

The most she'll do is send you a present and a card tied to her Umbreon (who shows up at your dorm in a cute little ghost outfit).

Team Star catches wind of your birthday being today and decides to throw together a little surprise-Halloween party, eventually convincing their leader to help them plan it out and get permission to use one of the old classrooms.

You love it, but poor Penny jumps like 10 feet into the air when everybody suddenly pops out wearing masks.

"Is this surprise party for you or for me?" You jokingly ask, although she just gives you an awkward smile before you all proceed with the festivities.

[theveesbf]

It's my birthday today :D

I was wondering if you could write something for an adventurous and mischievous reader with Ink and Dream who celebrate their birthday? Maybe with cake or party or other shenanigans idk

Thank you in advance

Happy birthday ~

☆notes - hello!! I did this really fast so I'm sorry if it looks rushed lmao! I hope you enjoy it! Also, happy birthday <33

☆content - headcanons of how dream and ink (separately) celebrates your birthday

☆warnings - none

☆characters - ink!sans and dream

[♡] Ink

Ink has your birthday noted down somewhere so he doesn't forget when it's the day. He's the type to remember it all year, except on the day itself.

Definetly wakes you up in the middle of the night just to scream you a happy birthday! He cannot wait until tomorrow, it has to be done at that moment.

Once you finally get to rest though, Ink takes you to a bunch of aus to celebrate your birthday. Some of the aus might include underswap, outertale. He also takes you to The Doodle Sphere.

Speaking of which, it's where he prepared the decorations and a birthday cake! I mean, at least tried to.

Ink probably burned the first attempt of a cake, and the second one is falling apart, but hey-! The intention is what counts right?

By the end of the day, after almost forgetting about it, Ink gifts you a drawing of you two, holding hands with a big "Happy Birthday!" On the top of the paper.

If you ask him to stay with you and cuddle, Ink might agree to it. There's a chance he'd decline, but since it's your birthday, how could he say no?

[♡] Dream

Dream would prepare a lot of things one day before your birthday. He wants it to be perfect for you!

He would like to hang out with you on a calm and more quiet au, just talking and laughing with you.

If you want something else though, no worries!! Dream has a lot of ideas prepared. He might take you to a zoo, or a cozy au.

Maybe even play a game with you if you teach him how to play it. He just wants your birthday to be your day, to do whatever you want to! As long as it's not harmful of course.

Dream probably went for everyone he knew to ask about what he should gift you. Yes, he knows you the best, but what if his present isn't good enough? Or you don't like it?

But in the end, Dream would just gift you a plushie that looks like him along the lines "Here, so you can remember me whenever you're feeling down."

He's definetly baking you a gorgeous cake!! With your favorite colors on it, a bunch of those decorations on the cake and this stuff with a cute phrase on it.

When the night comes, Dream would say his goodbyes to you. Buuuut, if you're down for it, he can cuddle you to sleep.

[girls-are-weird]

AO3 wrapped [writers edition]

always nice to close out the year talking about writing, so here are my responses for 2023:

How many words have you written this year?

163073

2. How many works did you publish this year?

three one-shots (hetero of the year, en garde, and lovely figurines), the last few chapters of like because, love despite, and the first five chapters of the road is made by walking.

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

i really did love writing (and still love) hetero of the year. thankfully, the kudos/hits do align with that, so i guess it's not just me. :)

4. What work of yours has the most hits?

on a per-chapter basis, hetero of the year with 7178 for a one-shot.

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

i was kinda down on like because, love despite at the beginning because it wasn't getting much traction, but in later chapters and especially once finished, engagement picked up a lot.

6. Favorite title you used

i rather liked like because, love despite. i felt it linked with the original movie closely enough but without being too similar and with a different angle to the original title.

7. If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most?

lovely figurines (still speak to me today) is the only title pulled from song lyrics, so i guess suzanne vega? the road is made by walking is pulled from an antonio machado poem that has been adapted INTO song, but i don't think that counts.

8. Pairing you wrote the most for this year?

i haven't written about anything but wilmon since 2021, dude. xD

9. Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?

see previous answer.

10. What work was the quickest to write?

hetero of the year wrote itself SHOCKINGLY fast for a 21K-word behemoth of a one-shot.

11. What work took you the longest to write?

like because, love despite took nearly a year to complete. about a month-ish per chapter, when you think about it that way.

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

i only work on one fic at a time, so i don't have WIPs other than the one i'm currently posting (the road is made by walking). i've got 31 ideas in various levels of detail in my "fic ideas" folder, though.

13. What’s your longest work of the year?

like because, love despite is nearly 100K words.

14. What’s your shortest work of the year?

en garde clocked in at 3241 words.

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

the road is made by walking, as mentioned above.

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

"romance." because of course.

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

this year marked a bit of a turn on my level of comfort writing simon. all three of my one-shots were actually from his PoV, and both chaptered fics alternate between his and wille's PoVs. not that i didn't write from simon's PoV before, but last year i still felt a bit apprehensive whenever i did; i've historically felt a bit too close to simon to feel comfortable writing him-- he's the character i identify with the most and that often makes me nervous that i'm writing myself into my stories rather than writing the character. i didn't really feel nervous about it this year. i guess practice makes… not perfect, but easier.

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

i had to write more august this year than i've had to in the past, and i'm still cringing about it.

19. What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?

bish, please. xD in this house, it's wilmon or bust.

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

i've reread hetero of the year more times than i can count. it just puts a smile on my face, what can i say?

21. How many kudos in total did you get this year?

1357

22. Which work has the most comments?

again on a per-chapter basis, hetero of the year with 67 comment threads on its only chapter.

23. Did you do any collaborative works this year?

not this year, no. :(

24. Did you write any gifts this year?

two! en garde for @the-amber-fox and lovely figurines for tui.

25. Did you receive any gifts this year?

one! the talented miss @the-amber-fox wrote love is everything, stupid as my birthday present. <3

26. What’s your most common category?

M/M. because of course.

27. What do you listen to while writing?

the TV? sometimes it's the news, sometimes it's just youtube videos, but i usually work/study/write with the TV on.

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?

i feel like this is the same as question 3, idk. same answer.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

i really loved the big argument at the end of chapter 9 of like because, love despite. i was really, really proud of how that scene came out.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

it's not much a writing surprise as it is a reading surprise, i guess? but i didn't know so many people out there wait until a fic is completed to start reading it. i'm very much a read-as-i-go girl as long as i have assurances that the fic will not end tragically (always tag your angst with a happy ending, folks! don't alienate potential readers just by forgetting the tag!). but it seems a good chunk of the fandom doesn't start reading anything unless they know it's complete. and i totally get why, truly, but it just hadn't ever really occurred to me to do that, lol. xD

[letstalkwhump]

Let's Talk Whump No.14

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump, a series of interviews that spotlight the amazing people in our whump community! I’m Malice and I’ll be your host. 

Today I’m talking whump with the wonderful @livelaughwhump!

Great to have you here! Let’s start with a fact or two about yourself!

Greetings! My name is Armin, I'm 19, and my pronouns are they/them! I work as a daycare attendant/assistant preschool teacher. I love crocheting, cross-stitching, and basically anything crafting-related

What does whump mean to you?

Wow, there's a lot I could say to answer this

I think whump is the only interest that I can say I've had for my entire life. I think I got into it when I was about seven-years old and it's one of my only interests that has not faded over time. I find it very freeing to be able to delve into the dark and disturbing parts of my brain instead of ignoring them.

And how did you find the whump community? What made you want to join?

I've been interested in whump for most of my life, but I haven't been a part of the tumblr whump community very long. In fact, I think I only joined in October of 2022. I believe I found some screenshots from whumpblr on pinterest, which led to me going on Tumblr and diving deeper into the content on here.

Has your view on whump changed since you joined? I think so. Before I knew what whump was, I always thought that there was something deeply wrong with me because I enjoyed torturing fictional characters so much. So, it was very relieving to find out there was not only a word for it, but also a community of people that enjoyed the same disturbing things I did. Other than my personal opinion on whump itself, I don't think my favourite tropes or anything really changed.

And your favourite whump tropes?

Oh god, there's so many, but I think my main favorites are captivity, pet whump, dehumanization, muzzles/gags, sensory deprivation, hurt/comfort, etc. There are plenty more but I don't think I can list all of them.

They’re all so good! Do you have a favourite piece or pieces that you've written? 

Oh god, I don't think I can pick a favorite. I love my whole Worthless series, but I think Chapter 12 is one of my all time favorites. My Birthday Gift drabble, my Strays drabble, and my Panic drabble also get an honorable mention.

These are so good! Do you have a regular writing routine or more when the inspiration strikes?

I don't really have a routine, I kind of just write whenever I'm feeling motivated. I usually write on my lunch breaks at work, or late into the night when I should be getting to bed.

What do you find easy to write? Is there anything you struggle with?

Dialogue is easily where I thrive. I'm not good at describing things or explaining actions, but I consider myself pretty good at writing convincing dialogue. Probably because I end up having conversations with myself as my characters, which makes finding natural dialogue pretty easy.

Anything you're working on at the moment?

I am currently working on chapter 16 of my Worthless series, but it's been at a standstill for a couple days. Making up the stories in my head is so much easier than actually writing them.

That last bit is very relatable…Is there any advice you’d like to share?

Write what you would want to read! Don't worry about pleasing everyone because that is literally not possible. Write for yourself and no one else!

Shoutout time! 

@whump-queen, @whumpsday, and @oddsconvert are my top three sources of inspiration. They are all awesome people and amazing writers and their stories have inspired me so much!!

Honorable mention to @rosekins6211 for being one of my biggest supporters!! Literally could not do it without her!!

Anything you'd like to add?

Thank you to everyone that has supported me and read my weird little stories! And thank you, Malice, for having me!

Show no mercy, and happy whumping, everyone!

THank you so much for joining us today, @livelaughwhump! 

And to all you folks at home, have a whump-derful day!

[sanversandfriends]

Art and intro by @thelxiope1. Thanks, pal! (,:

Last but not least!  It is an honor to do the mini-view intro for our esteemed and gifted event organizer, the one, the only: @smarterinabsentia. You know her mostly as a writer of incredibly rich and detailed Sanvers fics filled with cinematic drama, action, passion, history, science, aliens, magic, music, and a vast knowledge of all things Super. She is also a talented artist and a superb beta reader. But today she shares her thoughts on writing and finishing one of her epic and ambitious works. 

Tell us a little about yourself. How did you get started writing fic? Have you written for other fandoms? What are your favorite tropes?  

Unless you count an Alien sequel as a kid, I really didn’t start writing fic until Sanvers. I’m a lifelong DC fan and read Maggie’s first appearance right off the stands, so I was excited to finally get a version of the character who wasn’t a name drop or a blip in an animated series. What I didn't expect was THAT chemistry and THAT coming out arc, and being able to witness the S shield become so indelibly associated with queerness it made my heart sing. So when Maggie walked out of Alex’s apartment for the last time, it was both a devastating loss of rep and the start of a careless and very painful dismantling of the world they’d built in Season 2. I’d been lurking on A03 and, as so many of these fic origin stories go, I thought, “I’ll just write one chapter. What could possibly go wrong?!"

For as much as I hate Alex’s S3 body snatching and the reasons for the breakup, I’m a sucker for the reluctant parent trope. I do like to put Maggie with kids, not as self-sacrificing mother figure, but someone who treats them very much the way she would an equal. This backfires on her sometimes, but counterintuitively makes her a better parent than Alex.

What were your inspirations for this particular story? What was it about this/these ships that grabbed you?

I’ve always been fascinated by the Soviet side of the Space Race and how they achieved so much on fewer resources--not to mention putting a woman in orbit two decades before the U.S. The U.S. had its glamorous flyboys, but the Soviets had women cosmonauts, not to mention soldiers and pilots and snipers, and something like 42 percent of doctors during World War II—a number that rose to 70% in the 1960s.

I’d just finished Svetlana Alexievich’s Unwomanly Face of War, an oral history of the women who'd fought on the Eastern front, and while I didn't expect to encounter any out lesbians in those interviews, the dearth of queerness felt pronounced. I started thinking about who Alex and Maggie might have been in that war, and soon enough, they were fleeing the Germans on a boat on the Moskva river. This is probably nothing new to folks writing historical AUs, but being new to fic at the time, it was eerie just how snugly those characters slotted into the tapestry of Soviet history, from Maggie’s navigating the power shifts in the NKVD/KGB to Alex strugging under the chokehold of Lysenkoism. Every character fit, and every character became this deep-dive learning experience about the era/s.

Has the time spent away from your story changed your outlook or approach to any of the storylines or themes? Have you had any new inspirations or breakthroughs/revelations in the meantime? 

I’ve had some more insights into the characters, especially Jami, who surprised me, and there was a retcon I had to do with a reveal in the dialogue, something I realized was a big moment I should have saved for … the big moment (so I hope no one notices, haha!) And this is probably because I use world building as a means of procrastination, but I’m in this place right now where I’m as excited about the world I’ve set up at the end of the fic as I am about the fic itself.

Any advice for new or aspiring fic writers?

This goes back to something I wish I’d said at the Sanvers research panel a few years back. You might hesitate to write because you think you don't know enough about a particular subject, but that desire is often a signal that you know more than you’re giving yourself credit for. Once you get started, you'll discover you've gotten a lot right out of a mix of prior knowledge and spooky action at a distance. So absolutely do do the research and be respectful of the material, but don’t let a perceived lack of knowledge put you off from getting started. What turns out to be accurate in those first drafts will feel like magic, but what you have to correct in your seconds and thirds will stick and be the best kind of learning experience.

If you were going to promote this fic with a single line, what would it be? 

Lesbians live and so does Laika.

Link to the story if you have one.

[twistedtummies2]

Artists in Wonderland - Number 4

Welcome to Artists in Wonderland! Running till the 4th of July, I’m counting down My Top 10 Favorite Illustrators for “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland!” The Lewis Carroll stories of Alice are as immortal as they are odd, and many great artists have handled them in different ways. This countdown will pay homage to just a few of them. Our 4th Place illustrator will definitely get some attention. Today’s artist is none other than Lewis Carroll himself!

Now, some of you are probably confused by this: Lewis Carroll was the writer of “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland,” not the illustrator, after all. Well, to explain this one, I need do a bit of history-diving, because this is a special sort of deal.

Here’s the short version of things: Lewis Carroll’s real name was Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. He worked as a mathematics instructor at Christ Church College, and was ordained as a reverend. For a time, Dodgson was friends with the Dean of the college, Henry Liddell, and became a frequent playmate of three of his daughters: Edith, Lorina…and Alice. On July 4th, 1862, Carroll brought the girls on a boating trip - alongside a friend of his, Robinson Duckworth - and, to keep them entertained, told them a story he called “Alice’s Adventures Underground,” about a little girl called Alice who followed a White Rabbit into a magical land of madness and mischief. Alice was enamored with the story of “her” adventures, and begged Dodgson to write them down. So, Dodgson - with as much of the memory as he could muster - decided to do just that. This is where the illustrations come in: Dodgson decided to give Alice a Christmas gift in the form of a fully bound and illustrated hand-crafted manuscript for “Alice’s Adventures Underground.” However, Carroll didn’t consider himself much of an artist, so he did extensive research on various subjects before beginning work on his hand-drawn sketches for the story. He managed to complete work on the manuscript in time, presented it to Alice Liddell…and that was where history REALLY began to change. It should be noted that I was actually hesitant to include Carroll’s “Alice’s Adventures Underground” because I was not sure if it would go against my own rules. You see, the manuscript - which was eventually found and then published itself in a couple of editions - differs from the final text in several ways. The chapters “Pig and Pepper” and “A Mad Tea Party” are nonexistent, and the characters present in them, therefore, never pop up at all. (So no Cheshire Cat and no Mad Hatter, for instance.) The poems are slightly different, and a few details are a little different, too. For instance, instead of carrying a fan and gloves in the Hall of Doors, the Rabbit is shown carrying a nosegay; it’s by smelling the flowers that Alice shrinks down. (I guess this means the Rabbit had a thing for the Queen in the original manuscript? That’s…not pleasant to think about…) However, I decided that a.) this was too historically significant to completely ignore, and b.) it’s the author’s own work, writing-wise, so I guess it might as well be included. Carroll may not have considered himself much of an artist, and truth be told, his drawings are somewhat crude compared to later interpretations. However, they are fascinating because they give us a look into the mind of the creator, and his own imaginings for what these characters were supposed to look and behave like. There’s a sense of chaos and irreverent wildness to Carroll’s original drawings, rather than the more detailed and grotesque imagery Tenniel would conjure up in the final print. Carroll’s imaginings are always bizarre, and at times a bit scary, but they’re also highly inventive. Optical illusions and a sense of real motion litter these illustrations, as the characters so often seem to bounce off the walls. I will confess that I’m not sure how successful “Alice” would have been if this was the rendition we got, but it’s still worth checking out if you’re a fan, and his interpretations are just as strong as those of many other artists. As I said, “Alice’s Adventures Underground” HAS been reprinted and published in years since, and while it’s not as easy to get hold of as the actual “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland,” it’s not TOO hard to find, either. If you’re curious about how Alice began, it’s worth looking up. Fun fact, these illustrations have actually been given life onscreen a couple times! Most notably, for the 1960s TV Play version of “Alice in Wonderland,” directed by Jonathan Miller, Carroll’s illustrations for “Underground” were used to create an elaborate end credits sequence. So if you ever want to see them, but don’t want to buy the book, you can find a lot of them there. :P

Come back down the rabbit hole tomorrow as we move into the Top 3! Don’t be late! ;)

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary223

4/25-26/2024

thursday - friday

going in for closing tomorrow.

and i am staying up too late now. i should sleep soon, but today i went out, it was nice and fun, i almost read something in front of people but did not, maybe i should have but i was nervous about the people there, but the reading was nice, better than the ones we usually get to see. it's interesting what people who aren't in school for writing get up to.

i would have read that random thing i spat out a few days ago, the 'assemblage' which i still need to throw more into. i didn't really do any creative work today, i just relaxed outside of work, which wasn't so bad, terribly dull and a waste of time and life, but not exhausting especially. tomorrow might be, cuz i am closinnng.

doesn't matter though, soon this really will be all over.

i do need to get the cds i was wanting to get off discogs too, and then a birthday gift for my gf... i have something in mind.

beyond alll thissss, idk. tomorrow i might try to record. need to sleep soon to get to that at a reasonable time since i need to leave at 1 pm. and then fix my sleep again.

bluh.

thinking more about doing a reading of my own writing is exciting, it's nice that there's a place to do it and that i've got friends involved in that. one person who i really enjoy seeing/hanging out with/talking to.

i also read more agua viva, it is very specific, it reaches at such an internal point of me, and i think the act of living broadly, it is hard to transmit what it does, it can hardly transmit itself, it is a stumbling thing, the speaker says often, i want inconsistency, the inconclusive, the ability to not answer, the ability to dissolve, the cavernous, the flow of becoming. i too want this, to be near this flow. and to be near it, a source of pain, as much as the wanting is the pain too.

it is hard to write about but the more time i spend with it, perhaps the easier it will become, all books, the clots of writing and thought themselves, not authors, but the words, both in sound and play and in meaning or meaninglessness, these represent other ways of thinking and seeing i think, i believe that really, each one you open into something else, to contend with, another place to be, and in drinking in that, the delicacy and the voluptuousness of each, you do not leave it behind upon finishing but it is a new fold in a fabric along your interior, more studded grows the life we lead, textured and sparkling, attention goes to stranger places.

this is part of, i think, what the book reaches at. this painter character makes efforts to escape painting, nothing in plot especially, it is simply spoken, to enter into words, shirking off the act of painting. into, i am not sure, speaking, words, not an explicit poetry but one which is implied not by form but by gesture maybe.

anyhow, i do need to be sleeping, but one maybe embarrassing thing i was thinking about today, recently a favorite yt channel of mine uploaded an 11 hour playthru of illbleed, it was one of the first things he did on his channel, and something about the game but also his presence makes me very happy, it's somewhere a part of me that makes me feel consistent with myself, those images, that voice. another one, watching the infinite review and hearing owen/mechagamezilla. weird and pathetic becuz most yt stuff is so so so disposable and that's almost the point of what these people i like do, discard for the sake of it. there is just something there, they have i guess been parts of my life for like, a long time, mechagamezilla especially. i like that he now does videos about stuff that is not games, i always want gamers(tm) to get out of that, just broadly, it feels like part of why videogames seem stuck in lots of ways, as an art or whatever you want to call it. it's almost by design though, they so often take so much time, as hobbies. especially with the development of effectively infinite games, seasonal multiplayer, gambling simulation, infinitely randomizable games, a lot of roguelikes. it is weird.

anyway, i need to sleep actually, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[repostsandramblings]

I've been working on a fankid project!!!

Gonna attempt to actually have a coherent story for once

Basic idea is that it's a doomed timeline with no space player, but a time player

As they try to figure out what to do

Their leader Cass (knight of heart) is contacted by a troll

Turns out

The trolls had an awful session

Lots of fighting and shit

Resulting in the premature death of their time player

So using Narsis's (prince of space) space power as well of Xennox's (page of void) void power they brute force their way into the kids session

And

It's a bumpy road lmao

The kids time player Lily (prince of time) HATES Narsis, on account of him being really full of himself

Xennox, their leader (except not really because all he's good at is stopping them from killing each other and not much else) is struggling to keep their team afloat

Throw in a bard of breath who puts his freedom before anything, a maid of light more obsessed with learning about human anatomy then actually befriending them, a witch of rage way too focused on a better tomorrow they forget to work on today, and a thief of life who's honestly the most dependable troll out there and you have the trolls.

Working on shaping their personalities and backgrounds more

I have some basic ideas

But I need to iron them out more

The kids I have basically down

Cass is the dad of the group and deathly afraid of the group hating each other for guardian related reasons (we'll get there). He feels the need to involve himself and solve everyone's problems. He's the first person Xennox reaches out to

Lily is a super headstrong girl who loves rhythm games and has a hella strong internal clock. She keeps tabs on all of her surroundings and the time, to her, is the most important. She's been "secretly" living in the shed of a rich lady (more on her later)

Nick (rogue of hope) is very dependent on systems of leadership. He puts all of his hopes into Cass on an almost delusional level. He sees the bright side to everything! In bad situations he often loses himself however, needing to be guided or else he'll just break down. He needs to learn to find hope within himself.

Ruby (seer of doom) is one of my favorites! They have persistent, vivid dreams of the worst case scenario every night. So, she's been keeping a very close eye on her dreams, taking notes in her dream journal, and doing her best to avoid the worst case scenario. It started as small accidents, but as their 18th birthday draws near (I have romantic plans for these characters and honestly it'd be a lot easier to write if they were older. Also i doubt my ability to write younger characters.) She sees visions of the game. She knows the game itself is inescapable, so she instead focuses on preparing for every contingency.

Now for my favorite bit

Guardians!!!!

For Cass, he has his harpy and douche (that's what he calls his mom and dad). Harpy and douche are constantly strifing when not at work. No matter how much Cass intervenes or asks to separate he's ignored. Harpy is a veteran, and she introduced Cass to military weapons and history. Douche is an ex baseball player who mostly works odd-jobs now to support his family.

Ruby has Gabe. Gabe is ruby's little brother. He's been suffering with a terminal illness that leaves him bed ridden. Ruby often has to take care of Gabe because their parents are always abroad for jobs to afford Gabe's medications. Gabe often writes poetry and is very fond of online roleplay. When the game starts, he merges with the Kernal sprite, ridding him of his illness, and deciates himself to enjoying whatever life has to offer!

Lily gets the empress. The empress is the owner of the house lily is hiding out at. She's very enigmatic, and only truly makes an appearance once the game starts, where she leaves gifts for lilly, maps, metronomes, and a lot of other gifts. All in red and gold with "empress" written on the back.

Nick has the most straightforward relationship lmao. His dad, simply referred to as "boss" runs the farm Nick lives at. Nick does all the animal handling and boss does most of the labor. He is very strict, but cares deeply about Nick and does his best to be there for him. In the game, boss becomes a sprite and spends the entire time trying to get the other guardian sprites to get their shit together.

Thanks for reading this incomprehensible rant lmao

[pandjseetheworld]

Books I Read While Traveling

This book ^ is absolutely incredible! If you haven’t read it, go to the library and pick it up! It’s a true WWII story that breaks your heart and fills it at the same time! It’s an epic tale of one young man’s incredible courage and resilience during one of history’s darkest hours. Below is the Amazon synopsis, this is definitely worth your time!!

“Pino Lella wants nothing to do with the war or the Nazis. He’s a normal Italian teenager―obsessed with music, food, and girls―but his days of innocence are numbered. When his family home in Milan is destroyed by Allied bombs, Pino joins an underground railroad helping Jews escape over the Alps, and falls for Anna, a beautiful widow six years his senior.

In an attempt to protect him, Pino’s parents force him to enlist as a German soldier―a move they think will keep him out of combat. But after Pino is injured, he is recruited at the tender age of eighteen to become the personal driver for Adolf Hitler’s left hand in Italy, General Hans Leyers, one of the Third Reich’s most mysterious and powerful commanders.

Now, with the opportunity to spy for the Allies inside the German High Command, Pino endures the horrors of the war and the Nazi occupation by fighting in secret, his courage bolstered by his love for Anna and for the life he dreams they will one day share.”

This is a book all about the origins of racism and what antiracism is. It’s writing in a very conversational manner making it very easy, entertaining, and educational. This is a great read to keep your mind rolling but keep in mind this is NoT a history book!

This book was good but not great. The author led you through a journey across the racial divide telling unparalleled truths about the nature of bigotry and it’s effects on the minds of both the victims and perpetrators.

This book was not my favorite but I made it through to the end. It’s about this guy named Eustace Conway, a real man, who is apparently “the Last American Man” in the authors eyes. Eustace lives off the land and is a naturalist who tried to rescue America from modernity. It goes into his adventures, successes, and struggles. It was an alright book in my opinion. Honestly, I felt bad for Eustace and think in today’s time he would be considered autistic. Or at least he has a lot of autistic characteristics that are highlighted in this story.

The book was gifted by a wonderful Australian tour guide from Cartagena. I told her I am struggling to find English books and am trying not to buy a book this whole trip only use book exchanges so this worked out perfectly! And now, my attempt at a book review.

This book is pretty eye-opening because it's about the social construction and deconstruction of privacy. When a large cooperation called the Circle, which is basically Google, Amazon, Netflix, UPS, and other large companies all combined into one, take ownership of the public privacy, and the effects such ownership have on Western democracy. The book is interesting in itself but the author goes into depth about how the main character Mae gets sucked into this new life at the Circle and then spends 3 pages on the ending. It's like the author gave up on the book and just threw in a half-ass ending to move on. Personally, it's not worth the read. I hear there is also a movie and it to has terrible reviews. How could it not? The ending sucked!

This memoir follows Joan Didion the year after her husband died at the dinner table from a brain aneurism, while her adopted daughter rests in a coma in the ICU. It is a very personal and honest story about marriage, grief, and how she deals with these difficult experiences.

This is not a book I would typically pick but it was very interesting to read and the only English book at the hostel I was staying at. She opens her book with the lines, “Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends. The question of self-pity.” Yes, this is a very depressing book but it’s also very enlightening because it makes you want to live in the moment, cherish every experience we have with our loved ones, and not take for granted the time we have on earth. She speaks openly about her deep relationship with her husband and how difficult it is emotionally, psychologically, and physically to get through these difficult experiences which takes a lot of courage. As a reader who has not gone through such experiences, I take her memoir as an opportunity to make the most of life before getting to such uncharted territories. Death is inevitable. That truth doesn’t make death any easier but it’s a fact and something we all must deal with at some point in our lives. Until we get there we must cherish every day and live life to the fullest. Joan expresses this year of magical thinking, or her first year as a widow, in a very eloquent and raw manner that brings ease to the difficulties of grief and death.

I just found out that Joan’s daughter passed away not long after her book was published, which breaks my heart. And that Joan Didion herself passed away about 3 weeks ago while I was reading her memoir. t’s crazy how I just fell upon such a book in a timely manner.

This was a quick easy read about a woman turning 50. The main character went through some major life changes that made her think twice about her current life and the person she had become. It was a light hearted read!

This was a fun thriller book that was pretty twisted. I haven’t read a thriller like this before and it was a lot of fun! I also am into watching NCIS and those types of shows so this was right up my alley. The author did a great job adding twists into the plot so it’s hard to figure out where the story it headed but brings it all together in the end. It’s definitely a dark book and a little unsettling at times but I enjoyed it overall!

This was a unique in the fact I’ve never read anything written quite this way. Each chapter is written in the perspective of a different character and each character is vastly different. The book is written in civil rights Time and is about a priest who brings his wife and four daughters to the Congo to work on a mission. It tells about their experiences in Africa and how it impacted the rest of their lives. It’s a fun read but I will say by the end I was ready to be done!

The Alchemist is a classic book about finding your Personal Legand. A young shepherd boy is In on a quest to find treasure and along the way he has to surmount to countless obstacles in his path. He also learns many life lessons on how to be the best man he can be and seek full happiness. This is a fabulous read and I high recommend it. I personally really enjoyed this book because I read it in Huacachina, Peru the only natural oasis in South America and while the boy in the story was walking through a desert to an oasis I was sitting at one. The parallels in the book to reality really hit home for me.

Pieces of Her by Karin Slaughter

This was a fun read because it was a thriller and kept your attention from the first page. It’s about a strong mother-daughter relationship that gets questioned as the daughter find herself on a quest to learn more about the woman she calls mother. There’s death, murder, love, family bonds, and adventure! I really was sucked into this book and would high recommend it to others. And as a perk there’s a Netflix series based on the book! I look forward to watching it at some point :)

The First Phone Call From Heaven by Mitch Albom

I can’t say I thought very highly of this book just from reading the label, I thought maybe it would be extremely religious and boring. I have read Tuesdays with Morris by Mitch Albom and enjoyed it so I decided not to judge a book by it’s title. And… I’m glad I did. The book was extremely engaging and a really good heart felt story. It touched on religion but more so on hope and that was something I could really connect with. With the recent school shooting in Texas, this book could not have come at a better time. I would highly recommend this book for a positive enjoyable read about spirituality and beliefs.

One Child by Torey Hayden

In efforts to get my mind ready to get back to work and teaching special needs I chose to read this book by Torey Hayden. This is the first book I purchased myself over my travels and I’m glad I did. It was about a little 6 year old girl who went through more trauma then most people go in a lifetime and how her teacher changed the course of her life. It can be really hard to work with students of need especially when their pasts are so dramatic, this story really goes to show how one person can make a huge difference but it take patience, courage, and flexibility. It was a fast read that I would recommend to any teacher or parent.

Overcoming Dyslexia

This is my last and final book of our travels. Again, I purchased this book to prepare my mind for the upcoming school year. It talks all about the beginning of dyslexia, to the science behind it, and gives skills to help students improve on their reading who have dyslexia. So far, I’m not done with it, it’s been extremely informational and fascinating. Worth reading if you are a teacher, parent, or someone who has dyslexia!

[k-s-morgan]

Hi! I've been in the Hannibal fandom for two years now. Rewatched the show many times and yet Will Graham still confuses me like no one else. Hannibal's design is complex but somewhat understandable after watching the show again again. But Will's design is like a loophole. He can empathise with the killers. That means he can understand them. If he can understand them then why does it feel good for him to kill them? How does it work for him exactly. Does he feel for the killers? If he felt for the killers then what about his violent tendencies towards them?

I've always thought that he is like a God. A God of the killers. The killers offer him their design and he takes sacrifice in return of understanding. But how does his psyche work exactly?

Hello! Oh yes, Will is a very confusing character - it’s his defining trait, and I think that’s because he lies to himself, to others, and to us as an audience. He wants one thing, wants to want another thing, does the third thing, and making sense of it is a complex process.

I think Will’s empathy is a big red herring. I agree with Freddie here: he understands killers because he’s one. He has an almost supernatural gift that helps him recreate the situations almost exactly as they happened. He understands what motivates killers, he might sympathize with them, but I think he might also envy them their freedom to be what they are. They are a reminder of what he is and what he can’t allow himself to have. But most importantly, they are a way for Will to find a compromise with himself and feel better about his true self. Killing bad people is an excuse to justify his darkness, but I don’t think it’s a part of his design per se. 

I agree with you that Will is like a God - he and Hannibal both are. That’s one of the things that separates them from others and elevates them above everyone else. Let’s make an overview of Will’s victims.

1) Hobbs. Hobbs was a monster and Will killed him. But it wasn’t about justice and righteousness, not according to him. Killing a person and feeling pleased that you saved someone versus liking the act of killing itself are drastically different things. Many police officers have to kill in their line of duty. Very few of them get off on the act of murder. Those who do are killers, and they are especially dangerous if they immediately try to follow it up with another murder. Will never once says he liked killing Hobbs because he made this world better. When asked, he says that he felt a sense of power. This is a motivation of many actual serial killers. If Will was just glad that he saved Abigail, he would know it's normal. He wouldn't have been almost on the verge of a break-down and haunted by Hobbs. So it’s not about helping others, it's about murder, even if the victim was a monster.

2) Stammets. Will had no reason to try to kill him (which he admits to doing). Based on his and Hannibal’s talk, he understands that he just wanted to feel what he felt after killing Hobbs, and this makes him panic. So again, no someone. He’s chasing the high of killing someone, and Stammets is the most appropriate victim. 

3) Ingram. On the surface, it looks like Will wanted to avenge Peter and himself by proxy, hence pulling the trigger on Ingram. However, after Hannibal manages to stop him, days later, Will complains about losing a chance to feel how he felt when killing Hobbs. Murder high is his main motivation again - everything else is background or an excuse, depending on your reading.    

4) Randall. Will threw away the gun on purpose to make the murder more intimate. This is not about justice and this is not about protecting himself because by doing this, he reduced his chances. Will also beat Randall up until he wasn't moving. There was no reason to snap his neck. Mutilation, cannibalism that followed, keeping his suit, admitting he enjoyed the murder and calling it his design - this is about murder and WIll’s love for it primarily. The design part is especially important: based on it, we can conclude that Will loves a performance just like Hannibal.  

4) Chiyoh and her prisoner who Will set up. Chiyoh was innocent and didn't deserve to die. Her prisoner might not have been guilty - in fact, Will was the one to suggest that, and yet Will still set him up. It was a game and he was an observer - he lied in waiting for Chiyoh’s scream. He then turned the body of a losing party into art. Very creepy and very like Hannibal.

5) Chilton. Will clearly explained his motivation: he wanted Chilton to pay just because he wanted to be famous and messed with Hannibal by writing his ridiculous book. Will showed no remorse and admitted he did it on purpose.

6) Police officers he set up to be killed by cooperating with Francis. The ones he stepped over without a second look. They were innocent and they were a collateral damage. Will is a cruel God who doesn’t bother with mere mortals as long as it fits his purpose. In this case, his purpose was freeing Hannibal. Everything else was still a blur in his mind. 

7) Francis. Enjoyed the murder, admired the blood, called the situation beautiful.

8) Bedelia. She's innocent in comparison to Will and his body count. If Will faced no repercussions and continued getting more and more people killed, she had every right to go free. But God doesn’t have to be fair, and Will proves it by targeting her. 

What does it all say about Will’s design and philosophy? Apart from Godlike attributes and indifference toward collateral damage, I think Will is led by his bloodlust - he just tends to control it and direct it at specific targets. 

Will might prefer to kill “bad people” in the first two seasons, but it’s the process of murder that excites him. So I see his righteous choices as a preference that helps him justify his dark nature partly, not the core reason for his violence. Hannibal seems to be moved by his interest in human nature and his hunter instinct, but Will, I think, is a truer killer because he actually feels drunk on murder. Unlike Hannibal, he looks downright euphoric when/after he kills Randall and Francis. In TWOTL, Hannibal is more focused on the fact that his dream came true and he and Will killed someone together, but Will seems primarily caught up in the murder after-shocks themselves. Hannibal thinks about Will, Will thinks about how beautiful blood looks under the moonlight.

So, post Fall, I believe that at first, Will will stick to killing bad people like murderers, but once some times passes, his need for justifications will fade. He’ll move on to rude people, only his rude will differ from Hannibal’s. Hannibal doesn’t differentiate between genders and ages, but I think Will will. He’s interested in a feeling of power, like he himself says, in a sense of dominance, so he’ll look forward to a fight. He won’t be interested in attacking a teenager like Cassie, for instance, because the power imbalance is too prominent. But as soon as someone more equal does something Will heavily dislikes, something that wakes his bloodlust (a personal insult, physical or verbal abuse toward other people/animals, etc.), he’ll attack. He’ll be careful - he knows how to avoid being caught, but it will still be unpredictable and passionate. Will is a storm to Hannibal’s calm.

Then there is unpredictability. Hannibal tends to plan everything methodically. The only times we see him being impulsive is in Europe, where he’s descending into self-destructive mode, so it’s not a norm for him. For Will, though? Will consists of unpredictability, and Hannibal is fascinated by it.I think Will is going to kill when an impulse strikes. For example, he might go shopping, without having any dark plans, and end up murdering someone because the circumstances pushed some unfortunate soul onto his path. Will might or might not display the body depending on his mood. Today he can be in an artistic mood, but tomorrow he’ll be in a violent and impatient one, wanting to destroy the body entirely and leaving a total mess behind.

How Will would prefer to kill? In my opinion, in an intimate way. It doesn’t mean he’ll be weaponless, but something like a knife would fit his tastes well. He’d be able to feel it plunge into his victim’s body, tearing through skin and muscles, etc. - personal and intimate. Akin to what he did with Francis - his feral half-snarl, the way he paused after stabbing him before opening him up - it was dark and mesmerizing. Will might get into strangling, too, because it takes a lot of time and it is even more intimate. It might end up being his favorite. So, I can see him using his hands or small weapons to fully sense what he’s doing to a victim. This is something that he has in common with Hannibal because from what we saw, Hannibal also enjoys more intimate and prolonged murders that give him a glimpse into a person’s pain and struggle for life.

[whirlybirdwhat]

Is there any good one piece fanfic that you would reccomend to read?

SO MANY LETS GO

“stared at the sun and the sun smiled back and called itself pirate king (or: loyalty, on the high seas)” - by grainjew, a loyalty focused series of oneshots that absolutely devastate me every time I read it. My favorites are but the eternal pose points East (Lech L’cha)” and “a certain calmness” and - okay if I list anymore I’ll just list the entire series oops. Highly recommend!

In Which Higuma Doesn't Get To Get Drunk, Even Though He Really, Really Wants To - also by grainjew, Luffy goes back in time and everyone bullies higuma, delightful one shot, 2.5k.

The King's Will - my last rec (for now) by grainjew, a one shot focusing on Rayleigh and Luffy training on Ruskaina, and the application of conquerors haki, 2.3k, very, very good.

How it Should have Healed - by Wordlet, 36k, a hurt comfort series about Luffy’s numerous injuries over the years, and his crew taking care of him. Extremely sweet, hurts my heart, luffy please learn to take care of yourself, 100/10 reread all the time.

Coming Into Focus by DemonsLOver, 4k, focusing on Luffy’s trauma after Marineford, EXTREMELY good, I reread this one a lot as well.

Being there - by chali, 45k, another Luffy post Marineford fic that I love, focuses on his trauma and wounds left over in varying aspects and with each individual crewmate.

wish by spirit and if by yes - by midnightluck, 32k, in which sabo and ace reunite and they may have some issues but everything turns out alright in the end.

more under the cut!

Chasing Flowers by taizi - 4.7k, the Strawhats leave out gifts for luffy and he just has to follow, outsider pov, one of my absolute favorites of taizi’s fics!! Actually just gonna say rn go read all of taizi’s one piece fics, everything is so very good.

Already Forever by taizi - 1.8k, another of taizi’s fics that devastate me, nami realizing that the way luffy works will never be understood by any one else, really, really, really sweet.

Sea Shanties by Milo - 13k, luffy focused series of one shots, and the first one devastates me. zoro/luffy but it’s not romantic just platonic and this made me cry 100%, its just. So soft. Chapter 2 is with brook annd chapter 3 is with shanks and oh,,,, oh its so good. One of my absolute favorites of all time.

Twin Flames by SoccerSarah01 - 66k, a Marineford fix-it in which Sabo remembers, he and Ace call themselves not just brothers but twins, and everything changes. This is by Sarah whom I love and I 100% cannot rec this fic enough its so, so, so good. asl brother focused and the way the brothers are written im just the watery eyes emoji.

I'll be by your side (forever, always) by SoccerSarah01 - 1.5k this also by Sarah is another fix-it in which Luffy takes the blow for ace, and there aftermath and it hurts but ohh,,, its so sweet

Wind Beneath My Wings by SoccerSarah01 - 11.8k, last rec for me rn by Sarah, essentially the asl brothers celebrate Makino’s birthday and everything is good and wonderful and soft <3

Rising suns, free waters by Amazaria - 5k, vivi and shanks talk at mariejeoise fic how can you not fall for that like. Oh god the concept is so good, and amazaria executed it perfectly!!! 100% recommend, stays very true to the characters, and their like for one straw hat luffy.

Serendipity and other ordinary miracles by Amazaria - 2k, also by Amazaria, Straw Hat loyalty and discussion of dreams thats just so, so, so good. it hurts my heart, but luffy loves his crew and they love him so everything is okay.

All that we've yet to lose (burning, burning bright before us) by Amazaria - 1.9k, usopp and Gear 2’s effects on Luffy, dear god this makes me cry, like. Holy shit. Also some very good nami + zoro bonding in the background like!!! cries.

Who Knows (what could happen) by Chromi - 87k, the only unfinished fic on here but im putting it because HOLY SHIT! Essentially the journey of Ace and the Spades from Sixis to the Moby Dick, Ace/Deuce incredibly good writing I cannot stress that enough and also pining. So much pining. Deuce you are so gay. This fic is very lovingly and well written, does err on the more mature side than the rest of the fics I have listed here (just look at the tags) but not explicit by any means. Chromi also has like. Tons more ace/deuce fic, and I highly recommended checking out her Take My Breath Away [Tumblr SFW Prompt Fills] series!

Synthesis by KBstories - 4k, in which even Luffy has a breaking point and that breaking point Is sabo, but his friends won’t let that happen. I reread this fic so much and it’s so fucking good like all of KBstories like,,, cries??

I have so much more but I already procrastinated on the stuff I have to do today by writing this so - if u want more come back for round 2 and send another ask - in addition, check out the bookmarks of all these authors! I guarantee that you’ll find all the fics I would have recced that way haha. Enjoy!

(Also - Im sure u know as u sent me this ask, but I am also on ao3! My big works include Sea of Monsters, in which the east blue is the weakest sea because it is the demon sea, crown the king (with bloody flowers) in which luffy has hanahaki for the ocean, mother mother ocean (I have heard you call) in which luffy has the voice of all things from a young age, make a choice (turncoat hero), in which garp chooses his grandsonns over justice, and dearest brother (who you are) in which ace and sabo remember inn Alabasta and everything is okay. You can find my ao3 at Whirlybird70!)

[bokubonk]

happy anniversary

warnings: angst

content: hurt/comfort, angst

characters: Ushijima x gn!reader

date: 2/14/21

word count: 2.1k+

notes: Happy Valentine’s Day, my loves! Let us celebrate with some angst :)) Also I know I said it would be a few more days until I update but I just couldn’t resist writing this one.

You approached your boyfriend once you saw the boys cleaning up after practice. You had been standing outside, waiting for your boyfriend for the past few hours. It was cold, but you didn’t mind, your excitement to celebrate your one year anniversary with Ushijima kept you warm. 

Your freezing hands were wrapped around his gift: a new volleyball. You saw that the one he had been practicing with was getting worn down from how powerful his spikes were and you wanted to get him a new one, knowing how much the sport meant to him. 

You crept into the gym as quietly as you could, not wanting to bother anyone but you saw some of the team members noticed you and they sent you small smiles after they saw the gift you were hiding behind your back. After all, they remembered that today was the date the two of you got together, their stoic captain and you, who somehow managed to put up with Ushijima’s busy schedule and look after the team like they were your own children.

Tendou and Ushijima were on the other side of the gym and you could see Ushijima being hard on himself as usual. Sweat lined his brow as he continued practicing his spikes, the force echoing throughout the gym.

You winced from how loud it was and as you came closer you locked eyes with Tendou, who waved at you and raised his eyebrows at Ushijima, exclaiming, “Oh? Look who it is, lover boy, your beloved y/n is here!”

Ushijima paused to look at you, his eyebrows furrowed and you were unsure of what to make of his expression. You knew your boyfriend wasn’t one to show emotion but the look he was giving you now wasn’t one that you were expecting, especially since today was your anniversary. 

“Go home, y/n,” he said, “I will be staying late today to practice. You should go home now. It isn’t safe to walk around alone at night.”

Your hopeful expression dropped but you tried your best to keep a smile on your face. He turned away from you and Tendou gave you a sympathetic look. It seemed Ushijima had forgotten what today was but you tried comforting yourself, reminding yourself that he was busy and that he had other priorities in his life just like you did. After all, you were both third years and there were plenty of things to worry about.

But, you couldn’t help the sinking feeling in your chest as you wished that just once, he would put more effort into your relationship. You were beginning to grow used to the ache in your chest from all the neglect you endured after Ushijima continued choosing volleyball over your dates. 

He would schedule last minute practices and leave you waiting for hours at the restaurants or the parks he promised to meet you at. You should be used to it by now, but you couldn’t help but hold onto the hope that he would change. 

You believed in his promises and even when he broke them, you told yourself it was okay, because you loved him and because he loved you, even if it didn’t seem that way sometimes.

Your cold hands clenched around his gift, the weight of the volleyball growing heavier as the seconds passed by and the lump in your throat grew. 

“Wakatoshi, I-,” you began, but he cut you off. “I do not have the time right now, y/n.”

“I need to perfect this.”

You moved your gaze away from him and stared at the ground, wishing the floor would open up and swallow you whole. You could feel the pitying gazes of the other team members as they looked at you and you hated how small you felt. 

Today was supposed to be a happy day so where did it all go wrong? What did you do to deserve being treated like this?

“But today is-,” you tried once again, your tears forcing your voice to a whisper.

“You are bothering me,” he interjected, harshly, “I am sure what you have to tell me can wait.”

You gave a small nod and began making your way out of the gym. Footsteps followed after you and for a second, you hoped it was Ushijima but when you heard a voice call your name, you felt the familiar taste of bitter disappointment. 

“Y/n, he’s just having a bad day,” Tendou consoled, his eyes widening when he saw your tear-stained cheeks. “You know he didn’t mean it.”

“Yeah, I know,” you smiled, one that clearly didn’t reach your eyes from how the frown on Tendou’s face deepened. You used the sleeves of your thin jacket to wipe away your tears before extending the gift in your hand. 

“Give it to him for me, will you?” you murmured weakly, “Make sure he doesn’t practice too late and don’t let him overexert himself.”

“No, y/n,” Tendou shook his head. “You should give it to him yourself. I’ll go grab him right now and tell him to walk you home.”

“It’s okay,” you assured him, “I’m not in the mood to celebrate anyway. I just came to drop off his gift.”

“Y/n, I’m sorry,” he frowned, his anger rising as more tears fell from your eyes. He knew how much you were looking forward to celebrating your anniversary and he felt terrible at how you were being treated by Ushijima. He wasn’t blind to all of the sacrifices you made for him and he knew it was time Ushijima stopped taking you for granted. 

“Good night, Tendou.”

The walk home was cold and lonely and you only felt worse when you woke up the next morning with a fever. But you were comforted by all the messages from Tendou and the other members asking how you were doing and interrogating you. They were seconds away from going over to your house because of your lack of response when you assured them you were doing fine and sent them a picture of yourself in bed, saying you had a fever.

Even with the group chat blowing up, there was still no response from Ushijima and you wondered if he just didn’t care. 

Your thoughts were swarmed with insecurities and before you knew it, you were sobbing into your pillow. 

Does he even love me?

You tried remembering a time where he actually said those three words, but you found you couldn’t. A year of dating and “I love you” never escaped his lips. A year of being treated like a second choice. A year of putting his feelings first and getting your heart stomped on.

You were tired and you didn’t know how much longer this cycle of disappointment could go on. 

You were torn out of your thoughts when you heard the front door open and the low murmur of voices before heavy footsteps began approaching your room. You pulled the covers over your head, hiding your messy hair and your swollen face. 

The door creaked as it opened and you peeked through the small opening of the blanket, your mouth dropping in surprise when you saw a large figure standing in your bedroom.

“Ushijima?” you questioned, sitting up abruptly before wincing at your nausea caused by the sudden movement.

He stopped examining all the photos in your room and turned around to face you, his eyes widening when he saw your red-rimmed eyes. He barely registered the fact that you called him by his last name and not his first, his main focus was what made you cry. 

“What’s wrong, y/n?” he asked, worry clearly written on his face. “Why are you crying?”

“Why are you here, Ushijima?” you asked instead, bringing your gaze to your fidgeting fingers, a habit you did when you were nervous.

“You are sick so I brought medicine and food to help you recover,” his eyebrows furrowed at your question and the lack of excitement in your tone when before, you always greeted him with a smile. It was one of his favorite things about you and he was beginning to miss it. 

“Well, as you can see, I’m fine. You can just leave the medicine and go. I wouldn’t want to interfere with your practice,” your tone was harsh and left no room for argument. 

You were angry, Ushijima finally realized. The hurt expression on your face wasn’t one he was used to and he didn’t know how to fix it. His heart shattered as your chin began to tremble and tears trailed down your cheeks. 

He remembered the harsh words he gave you and the fact that he made you walk home alone and he opened his mouth to apologize when he heard you whisper, “Do you even remember what day it was yesterday?”

His silence answered your question and you let out a bitter laugh, sliding back under the covers and turning away from him. “Just go away, Ushijima.”

“Please,” your voice cracked as you held back a sob. 

He stared at your shaking form, a frown tugging at his lips but he listened to you words and exited your room, the door letting a resounding click as it closed.

Despite your words, you hoped he would stay but you figured this was just another disappointment to add to the list. The thought only made you cry more and Ushijima listened just on the other side of the door, wondering what he could do to fix this.

You wondered if this was the end of your relationship and after an hour of crying, you finally fell asleep. By the time you woke up, daylight had faded and your room was now shrouded in darkness. 

You were creeped out by how silent the house was but you figured it was time to get out of bed and get something to eat. You walked downstairs and heard the shuffling of footsteps. 

“Mom?” you called out, now a little nervous that an intruder had somehow gotten in while you were sleeping. 

You tiptoed your way into the living room, only for a scream to lodge itself in your throat as the lights suddenly flickered on. Ushijima stood there in a suit with a cake in his hands. 

“Ushijima?” you gasped, “What are you doing here?”

He placed the cake on a table nearby and walked towards you, cupping your cheeks in between his large hands. You were too surprised to react, still shocked by the fact that he was still here and he hadn’t left. 

“I am sorry, y/n,” he said, his voice soft as he struggled to convey his feelings. “You mean so much to me and I never wanted to hurt you. I didn’t mean to forget our anniversary.”

You came to your senses once you heard his words and you stepped back, letting his hands fall from your face. 

“It’s not just that, Ushijima,” you whispered, “I’m just tired. I’m tired of always being a second choice to volleyball and always putting in all the effort only to receive none in return.”

He thought of all the times he rescheduled your dates or came late because he chose to spend more time practicing and guilt washed over him. Ushijima never realized just how much you did for him. He was blind to your suffering and now he was facing the consequences.

“I will be better,” he promised. There was no hint of hesitation in his voice. He truly meant it and you could feel your walls slowly crumbling once again. “I will be someone who is worthy of you. Just give me a second chance to prove my love to you.”

Your breath caught and time stumbled.

“You love me?”

You didn’t expect him to confess and now that he had, you were completely powerless to stopping yourself from falling for him once again. The ache in your chest was replaced with warmth and you found the smallest of smiles forming on your lips.

“I always have,” he replied, reaching up to rub a thumb across your cheekbone. He leaned down to kiss your forehead before touching his lips to your eyelids. His face was centimeters away from yours when he pulled back, “Can I kiss you?”

You nodded and he pulled you closer. The both of you missed each other and the kiss was soft but desperate. You could feel the familiar butterflies making themselves known as he pulled away and gave you one of his rare smiles, the one he only gave you. “Happy belated anniversary, my love.”

“Happy anniversary, Wakatoshi.”

[saturdaysky]

Time-traveling Caleb meets Essek as a child please.

(from the ask me about my WIP meme)

This WIP was one of the first things I wrote when I decided I wanted to learn to write late last year!

It began as a snippet I was writing for a prompt in the big Essek discord, something along the lines of “kid Essek proposes marriage to Caleb” -- pretty fluffy, lighthearted, and cute. Naturally this meant I plotted something bittersweet about love and the grief for selves who never were and whom we no longer have a chance to be.

The premise: Sometime in the future, Essek and Caleb are together and have developed a spell that allows temporary travel to a decayed or decaying timeline. Caleb uses it and accidentally winds up much further back in time than intended, where he meets Essek as a child. Young Essek is lonely and hides Caleb on the Thelyss estates for a week or so while Caleb rides out the spell. From there, it’s a character study as Caleb gets to know Essek in his early life.

I don’t know if I’ll finish this one. Reading through it, if I returned to it I’d want to rewrite most of it since I understand writing and these characters a little better now. So who knows! Have part of 2 scenes. :)

Scene: One hour before the spell ends and the timeline decays for good

At the sound of Caleb’s footsteps in the courtyard, Essek turns slowly to face him, posture exactingly correct in a way that speaks of both practice and nerves. He inclines his head and folds his hands in formal greeting, the grace of the gesture falling a little awkwardly on his small frame.

“Master Widogast,” he begins, and then stops. Takes a shallow breath. “I know you are to depart today. I- I wished to speak with you before you are gone.”

His tone reaches for the chilly gravitas of his mother, but a muddled panic lurks around the edges of his words. Caleb returns the formal greeting, but lets his lips curve into a friendly smile. “I am here to listen. What would you ask of me?”

The lines of Essek’s shoulders ease a fraction. He drifts over, ignoring the whorls of the tiled labyrinth below in favor of making a line straight to Caleb. He stops a foot and a half away, as close as etiquette allows, and fidgets, one hand twisting the edge of a sleeve.

“I...there is a parting gift I wished to give you.” Essek’s small fingers shake a little as he draws the line to open his wristpocket. The spell takes and he lets out a satisfied hum as a small black codex tumbles into his hands.

“I made this,” he says, pride suffusing his voice. His courteous smile brightens into unguarded excitement, before fading into something small and hesitant. “It is for you. I know you are going far away somewhere, so...so in case you need to study the floating spell I taught you, I thought you might wish for reference.”

He thrusts the book up at Caleb. “Do not show anyone. Ah, Verin said I should not have told you things at all and I could get in trouble, so maybe keep it secret.”

Caleb turns the object over in his hands. It’s a small booklet of notes on dunamancy, written in a child’s scrawl. Essek has written out the directions for the cantrip that lets him float, each step of the spell thoroughly but ineptly diagrammed. Here and there in the margins are poorly-drawn creatures it takes Caleb a moment to realize are cats.

No, Caleb realizes, not cats: cat. All of them are Frumpkin, and all of them have been drawn with the earnest appreciation of a young boy who has seen exactly one cat in his entire life and is making up for lost time. 

Caleb traces a finger over the drawings, despair catching at his throat. He wants nothing more than to gather this desperately lonely child into his arms and shield him from the future that will turn him jaded and cruel, that will rip out this tender heart and replace it with callous intent.

But he can’t. He can’t save this Essek. This young echo will be gone forever in an hour. Caleb swallows the lump in his throat.

“You are very kind, Master Thelyss,” he says a little hoarsely. “It was an honor to be your student.”

Scene: Caleb returns from the spell

“Welcome back.” Essek’s silhouette is bent over the desk in front of him as he scratches out notes on a large piece of vellum, but he straightens and glances in Caleb’s direction. His sleeves are rolled up and there is a bit of ink smudged on his nose Caleb is sure he doesn’t know is there.

“Hallo,” Caleb says, meeting Essek’s eyes. They are worried and lovely, and a little tired. 

Essek scans Caleb’s body, as if checking to make sure he has all the same appendages he left with. Satisfied, he lets a lopsided smile curl over his face.

“Hallo,” he replies. “That was longer than expected. Did you find the information you were looking for?”

“I did, eventually.”

Essek's eyes narrow, gaze assessing. He sets the pen down on the desk, and turns to fully face Caleb. “But…?”

There is no point in hiding it. “The spell took me back further than intended. I also met you there. As a child.” Shock briefly paints itself on Essek’s face.

“Ah. Unexpected, I-  Well,” he says, slim, dark fingers twisting over themselves once before falling still, “I’m sure that was an enlightening experience.” Essek’s voice is light and carefully neutral. By degrees, his smile evens out, grows soft and pleasant. Opaque. Untouchable.

It is the last thing Caleb wants to see right now. 

He crosses the floor and Essek looks up at him, eyes shuttered. Caleb cups his face and guides him into a kiss, soft at first, merely comforting himself with Essek’s presence. Essek leans into it. Comfort for the two of them, maybe.

Caleb is good at kissing, and over the last decade, he’s made a dedicated effort to be good at kissing Essek, specifically. He nips at a lower lip and deepens the kiss, drawing a decidedly unchaste noise from Essek. It soothes something in Caleb to hear it, this spark of passion beneath the mask. After a moment, fingers curl into Caleb’s shirt.

Caleb pulls back and whispers into Essek’s ear, pleased to feel him shiver in response. “You were quite the, ah, charmer. You offered your hand in marriage. Scandalous.”

Essek lets out an undignified little snort that charms Caleb to his bones. “I should think I have made my desire for you quite clear in the present. Do not try to play me against my child self, Widogast.” As if to emphasize the point, his fingers slide from Caleb’s chest, over his sides, and onto his back with deliberate slowness. Caleb doesn’t even try to repress his own shiver, and he can feel the resulting smugness radiating from Essek.

“You also taught me to float. You were a very enthusiastic teacher.”

“Did I?” Amusement drips from Essek’s voice. “It is handy for you that you figured that one out yourself years ago.”  Over Essek’s shoulder, Caleb can see the notes and diagrams he’s working on. All letters and lines are crisp and precise; not a single wasted mark. There is no hint of embellishment here, Caleb sees. There are no more earnest drawings.

He buries his face in the crook where Essek’s neck meets his shoulder, taking in the comforting, familiar scent of him. Essek shifts to allow him better access, and Caleb breathes him in, letting grief settle in his chest.

After a moment, Essek’s fingers begin to trace lightly across his back, drawing comforting and repetitive patterns. Spell runes, Caleb realizes, and closes his eyes.

You were an earnest child, he does not say, and so achingly desperate for connection that you hid a strange mage in your house and taught him your favorite spell. He does not say, you were kind and you still had hope when you were young. You still talked to your brother. You loved magic like a friend, and no blood stained your hands for it.

Essek knows. Essek does not welcome pity, and Caleb cannot blame him for it. Caleb does not welcome it either.

[justkending]

The Number One Rule. Chapter 26.

Summary: Y/N has always been seen as “Steve’s rambunctious sister.” However, she grew up, graduated, and moved to London to study abroad for 4 years and get her bachelor's degree. The girl that returns looks nothing like the teenager that left, but don’t worry the attitude is still there and stronger than ever. What’s to come of the two grown adults that used to push each other's buttons, but now have a lot more in common than they’ve ever realized.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Y/N Rogers (Steve’s little sister)

Word Count: 3800+

A/N: Ladies and Gentlemen. This is the last chapter. I know I say it almost every time, but I truly think this is one of my personal favorite top stories. At LEAST in the top 3. Now it is time for me to go through and read it all the way through and revise where I can. I’m so glad you all loved it as much as me and I am happy to say, I am already working on a new series!! And yes, it is a Bucky x Reader. I just can’t seem to stray from them lately. His character is stuck on my brain and I’m not mad. Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you once again for all your love and support with this one! I loved each and every single comment and thought thrown my way:) Also, BONUS, I will probably write a one-shot explaining the Bumble Bee nickname, since I was never able to work it into this... If not that, maybe a prologue... I don’t know we shall see;) With that being said, enjoy this ending and let me know how your heart feels after!!

Chapter Twenty-Six:

A whole year had passed. Today marked the 1 year of Y/N and Bucky finally coming together after all this time of being friends and making it official as two people who loved each other deeply.

To give you a quick update in the time passed…

Steve and Peggy went on a first date after she came back for a second time and made her move to New York permanent. He had been sweating buckets while getting ready and Y/N and Bucky coached him from the couch as he came in and out of his room trying on multiple outfits for the night. 

Y/N had suggested taking her to some different places around Manhattan, kind of like the scavengers hunt Bucky did for their first date. But instead of knowing the different places, Peggy really hadn’t known the city at all, so it was more so a tour guide kind of date. 

It was a simple and solid plan. However, Steve wasn’t used to the confidence that Peggy tended to give off. Did he admire it and love it? Yes, no doubt. Did it scare him at times, or more so intimidate him? Yes, again. 

So after some light teasing from his little sister, she gave him some tips to impress her best friend, as well as, reassured him she was a sweet girl on the inside. Just someone who has lived in a man's world a little too long and has to put up a front of intimidation. Once you get past that, you have a loyal and kind person to bond with. 

Needless to say, the date went off without a hitch and the two were now celebrating two strong months of dating. 

Becca had finished up college and was already secured in a job as a child psychologist at a new hospital in upstate New York. She was a little further away now, but that didn’t stop her from coming and visiting. It just so happened that her new boyfriend lived down the hall from Y/N. If you know, you know. 

His name was Thor and after some light flirting every other time she came to visit Y/N, she asked him on a date which he accepted. They were on the route of 3 months of dating now. He had joined the friend group to an extent and got along great with the whole crew. 

Wanda and Vis’s boys were growing up faster than light itself and would be about 6 months soon. After Bucky and Y/N’s last time babysitting, they were recruited a few more times since they did so great with them. They may have been thrown for a whirlwind the first time around, but they were a lot easier the next few date nights. 

Nat and Clint had gotten married last month. They were coming back from their belated honeymoon now in Budapest. The wedding was beautiful and everyone being together all at once again, was a joy and it showed just how much the group of friends was growing. Each of them hitting a new and different stage in life. 

Back to the present...

Bucky had planned a one year anniversary date for him and Y/N. One that was bound to be unforgettable. 

Y/N asked if they could keep it simple with just a picnic in the park since it was going to be cold soon in New York, and she wanted to soak up the last bit of summer that was left. 

“Ok, you have everything set for the night?” Steve asked as Bucky buttoned the cuff to his button up. 

“I hope so. I go to pick up Y/N in 10 minutes,” Bucky sighed in nervousness. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it man. You know it’ll all work out how it’s supposed to,” Steve chuckled, coming over and patting his friends shoulder in reassurance. “Plus, you had Peggy and I help you plan this out. No way it could go wrong with our expertise.”

“You say that, but watch me slip up somewhere,” Bucky mumbled, straightening his clothes. 

“You’re putting nerves where they aren’t needed. Stop thinking worst case scenario,” Steve groaned, walking out the bedroom door with Bucky behind. “What would Y/N say about that?”

“That it’s premature and won’t do me any good to think negatively,” he muttered, knowing the exact words to come from the optimist. 

“Exactly. So stop stressing and go with the flow of things. Nothing good is going to come out of you waiting for the worst thing to happen tonight,” Steve shook his head. 

“It’s supposed to be a night to remember. Not a night to dread,” Peggy interrupted as she came to Steve’s side with a little note in hand she saw on the counter in a spot it may have been easily lost. “Here, you may want this though if you do want it to go well.”

“Right, thanks,” Bucky nodded quickly, taking the item. 

“You guys will meet us there right? Everyone else ready too?” Bucky asked.

“Everyone else is ready. You’ll be fine Buck,” Steve laughed again. “You sound like me the night I took this gal out.”

“Is that so?” Peggy smirked, leaning more into Steve’s side as he wrapped an arm around her.

“Yeah, he’s a little worse than I was, but he’s doing something a little bigger than a simple date,” Steve winked to Bucky. The brunette sent him an eyeroll.

Peggy looked down at her watch and gasped. “You need to get going, Bucky. She’ll be expecting you any minute,” Peggy moved to push him out the door with a bouquet of flowers in her hand to give him. 

_______________

Bucky had made it to Y/N’s apartment in perfect timing, but found himself faltering at the door. His whole body was made up of nerves at that moment. He couldn’t seem to shake them no matter what he told himself. 

Lucky for him, all it took was Y/N opening the door and sending him that sweet smile accented with one of her simple little dresses, that made those nerves dissipate. 

“You look great,” he said with a lovestruck school boy and sappy smile. 

“Thanks B,” she blushed, scrunching her shoulders in a bashful way. “Here, come in for a second before we leave,” she motioned him in as he followed. “I need to put on a pair of earrings and I’ll be set.” She stood on her toes giving him a gentle kiss to the lips. 

Before she could walk off, he put the flowers between them and smiled. 

“For you as always,” he winked. 

“And everytime, it makes me happier and happier,” she winked back, giving him a bonus kiss. “I actually bought a new vase since I’m lucky enough to get gifted with them everytime we go on a date. Want to put those in it?” she asked as she started walking to her bathroom.

“Hard not to give a pretty girl flowers every chance you get,” he noted, going into the kitchen where the new vase sat. “That plus, I know you like the greenery.”

“It makes me very happy,” she smiled, coming back in with her hands working to put the last pair of earrings on. “Ok, I’m all ready handsome. Shall we?”

“I would love nothing more,” he smiled back offering his arm. 

“I like this little routine we have,” she giggled as they walked to the door. 

“I can agree,” he nodded, pressing his lips to her temple before they left the building. 

__________________

They started off with a quick stop to Winnie’s shop, as Bucky said he had a gift there for them to pick up. 

Winnie was all dressed up and Bucky’s dad and Becca were also there. 

“Well, you guys look all spiffy,” Y/N noted, walking in the doors where the group was patiently waiting for the couple. Becca and Winnie in dresses and Bucky’s dad, George, in a nice button up like his son. “You're not by chance celebrating an anniversary like us, are you?” Y/N teased still locked into Bucky’s arm. 

“We can celebrate yours a little with you too, can’t we?” Winnie asked, going in for a hug. 

“The more the merrier,” Y/N replied cheerfully.

“No, no. We wouldn’t intrude on your anniversary date,” Becca nodded off. “However, we did want to give you guys a gift before we go off to dinner. We’re meeting Thor to eat soon.”

“Oh, I see. Boyfriend’s meeting the parents?” 

“We’ve already met him and we enjoy him,” Winnie waved off. “Plus, we have Bucky and yours sign of approval, so that goes a long way too.”

“These are the facts,” Bucky agreed. “Uh, Mom, we do have to go to the next stop I have planned though, so…” Bucky said with a raise of his eyebrow in a hinting manner. 

“Right, right! I won’t keep you long I promise!” Winnie rushed to the counter where a book and a picnic basket was sitting. “Ok, here you go, but don’t open that book until after dinner,” she warned Y/N as she handed it off to Bucky for safe keeping. “It has another little gift in it I don’t want to spoil.”

“In that case, I’ll let Bucky hold onto it then. You know I can’t help opening a book if it’s sitting right in front of me,” Y/N chuckled. The rest of the crew laughed with her. 

“Ok, Ma, Dad, Sis,” Bucky waved off redirecting the two to the door. “We’ll see you guys later.”

“Yeah, later!” Becca said with an odd tone. One that showed she knew something, but Y/N didn’t know what. 

______________

They made it to the park where Bucky had the whole nine-yards of a pinterest perfect picnic planned. His mom had packed a light meal, while the rest of the basket held a blanket, wine glasses, and other little decorations to make the set up special. 

“Look at you being oh so the romantic,” Y/N noted once they had set everything out. “This is impressive.”

“I would say I did it all, but Becca helped with the decorations aspect of it,” Bucky chuckled as he set up some of the food. 

The two sat and ate for a little, watching the motions of the park play in front of them as they talked about their day and any other thoughts that came to mind. They were facing straight west, so the sun would be setting right in front of them when the time came. And it was coming soon as they finished up their meal. 

“Ok, present time,” Y/N noted, turning to her purse and pulling out something from it. The gift was wrapped in a little brown wrapping paper with a twine string around it. “Open mine first because I can’t wait to see your reaction.”

Bucky chuckled at her childlike excitement and took the present as he sat up from where he was laying on his side. Carefully not to disrupt her precise wrapping, he undid the bow and peeled away the brown wrap around the box. Taking off the lid, inside sat two little slips of paper that looked like tickets. 

He quirked an eyebrow confused at what they could be, and when he turned them over and looked closer, he saw they were plane tickets. 

“Two tickets to… Rome?” Bucky gasped. “Y/N-”

“I wanted to show you everything I got to experience. Italy, Verona, Venice, and all,” she smiled softly, leaning closer to him. Her eyes never broke away from his face.

“Y/N, this is…” He smiled down at the paper before bringing his eyes up slowly to meet hers. “I would love nothing more than to experience that all through your eyes.”

Y/N blushed hard and the two leaned forward in sync to kiss. 

“I’m glad you like it. But I want you to see it in your own way, I’m just happy to be your tour guide,” she smiled harder. Their noses were practically still touching. 

“Either way, it’ll be an experience I’ll be counting down for,” he said, leaning in for one more kiss. 

When he pulled back he noticed the sun was settling down with the perfect glow. It was now or never…

“Ok, I guess it’s my turn for the gifts,” he said, taking in a deep breath. “It’s actually in the book.” He turned around grabbing the book his mother had handed off to him earlier, and carefully opened the cover. “This one’s long overdue, but it’s one that I’m starting to realize may have been meant for this specific time in our lives anyway.”

Handing over an old letter, she noticed it had changed colors from small stains and wear of when it was originally written. She was confused some by the details of the packaging, but when she saw it was addressed to her on the front, she picked up on what it was. 

The address and her name was that of her childhood home, but what gave away it’s age, was the return address of where Bucky was stationed all those years back when he was in the army. 

“Buck,” she said softly. 

“I wrote it way back when. Shortly after I realized that you were someone I…” He paused trying to find his wording. “Well, when I realized you were the kind of person I would want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Y/N looked up from the letter she was holding ever so delicately in her hand. Scared she would damage the antique writing. 

“You don’t have to read it now, but to sum it up, I never sent it because I knew, at least I thought I knew,” he chuckled under his breath looking down at it. “I could never deserve someone like you. You were always so kind and wise when I was going through my mess of life overseas. You had things of your own that you were working through, and yet you put it aside for me when I felt like I was alone and drowning in a foreign home.” 

He closed his eyes, picturing all the times he wanted to give up. When he wanted to call it quits after the things he saw, the things he did. It killed him on the inside. Mentally, emotionally, he didn’t hold strong like he thought he would be able to. 

“The only thing that kept me sane over there and gave me hope, was receiving letters from you. I know I teased you to begin with, but as time went on, your words, your advice, and your love that you somehow were able to ship overseas to me with just ink on a paper, kept me alive. Kept me from giving up.”

He looked up finally and saw tears in Y/N’s eyes. The look on her face was heartbreaking yet so loving all at once. It showed how she hated hearing just how lost Bucky was, but also showed just how grateful he was there. He was there now and it was partially because of their letters to each other. More than she could ever imagine though. 

She believed she may have played a role, but it was Bucky himself that held strong. He was the one who pushed through in those hardships and made the effort to keep going on. Not her. But to him, she was the angel on his shoulder keeping him from sinking in times where the waves were just too strong to push back on. 

“I wrote out all my feeling and thoughts in that letter. I think it’s like five pages,” he said in a single laugh. “But I never sent it.”

“Why?” was all she breathed out and he moved his hand to wipe the stray tear off her cheek. His hand staying there and running over the bone it had landed on. She leaned into the touch like it would be her last time feeling it. 

“I didn’t deserve you. Hell, I’m still not sure I do, but I’m going to make damn sure that I spend every waking hour of my life, every minute, doing my best to get there.”

There was a pause as she took his hand and moved closer to him, their foreheads pressed to the other. 

“Bucky you deserve everything and more in this world,” she said softly. “Don’t ever think you should have anything less than that.”

“I know, doll. And it’s because of you I realize I can strive for it all,” he sighed, breathing in her presence. 

They stayed like that for a while. Taking in the moment. Taking in the air. Taking in the wholesome and doting atmosphere. 

It wasn’t until the lights started to get low, Bucky realized he would run out of time for his next gift soon. 

“Y/N, I have one more thing to give you,” Bucky sighed, nervously pulling back and grabbing the book again. “Now, I know this is a cheesy way to do this, but I couldn’t think of a better way,” he chuckled lightly. 

He grabbed her hand and helped her stand. The sun now on the horizon giving the perfect golden shine to everything around them. 

When she stood with him, he brought the book in between them. 

“Ok, open it carefully to page 214,” he nodded, handing her the book. 

She sent him a confused look, but followed the directions anyway. Like asked, she gently flipped the books from the beginning before she reached said number. Just as she pulled back page 213, right in the middle of the book, the pages stopped lifting and inside was a little cut out square that held a small ring. One with a beautiful white shining stone in the middle, encrusted by a gold intricate design. 

“Oh, my-” she didn’t even finish the sentence as she looked down a the ring. Her grip on the book tightening as her other hand came up to cover her mouth. 

Bucky let out a small nervous chuckle at the reaction before slowly taking out the ring and bending to one knee. The book still in her hand, she gasped again watching Bucky move down. 

“Y/N Josephine Rogers,” he started with the brightest smile on his face. “I would be nothing but forever grateful if you allowed a guy like me, to have you as my wife.”

She didn’t answer right away as she was clearly in awe and still processing the last 20 seconds of what just happened. The only thing breaking her out of her shock, was the sound of Bucky laughing again.

“Is that a yes, or am I indeed just making a fool of myself?” he said with a scrunch of his nose.

“No! Oh, my God, yes! Yes, yes, yes! A thousand times yes Bucky!” she jumped up and down before wrapping her arms around his neck and tackling him to the ground. 

He let out an, ‘oof’ sound as he caught them from the fall and held tightly to the ring not to lose it. He was now on his back and she was laying on top of him giggling and squeezing him in excitement. 

“Ok, good. I was worried I might have read the signals you were giving me wrong,” he joked. 

“You’re a dork,” she laughed, pulling and looking at him lovingly before going in for the kiss of all kisses. 

They were quickly pulled away from it when cheers and whistles started going off around them. 

Y/N looked up from where they were laying on top of the other and noticed herds of people they knew coming out from random parts of the park smiling and whooping in elation. 

“Is that-?” she started, once again taken aback. 

“Everyone? Yeah. They were kinda in on it,” Bucky chuckled. “Hey, did you get that last part?” he shouted toward Nat who was coming around a tree with Clint and a professional camera in hand.

“Oh, it was the best picture of them all I’m pretty sure,” she smirked. 

“You little stinker,” Y/N scoffed, pushing off of him to sit up more. “How in the world did you pull this all together?”

Wanda, Vis, and the twins were there. Steve had his arm around Peggy with Sam next to them and Sarah next to Steve. Winnie, George, Becca, and Thor were all there too smiling and laughing. Everyone was there. The whole crew was apart of the moment. 

“It was easy. I told them I was asking the girl of my dreams to marry me, and they asked when and where. Not much convincing on my part,” he answered, offering her his hand as they stood back up. 

“You guys,” Y/N gushed, wrapping her arms around Bucky’s waist, which he gladly wrapped his arm around her. “This is too sweet.”

“Nothing sweeter than you giving Bucky a run for his money with that delayed answer,” Sam teased. 

“Back off, punk,” Bucky rolled his eyes, pulling her closer to him as if any second she’d change her mind. 

“I will say, he did catch me off guard,” Y/N laughed in response. 

“Oh, my sweet girl is getting married! And to the sweetest boy a mom can hope for,” Sarah interrupted, instantly running to her daughter and almost tackling her like she had Bucky. 

“Mom!” Y/N laughed, catching her balance. 

The next 15 minutes went on like that as the sun set behind them, giving off the final glows of the evening. 

Sarah and Winnie blubbering on about how their little boy and little girl were going to be husband and wife. Then of course going on and on in excitement for the wedding details of it all. At that point they pushed them off for George and Becca to handle as they talked with everyone else. 

Wanda and Vis saying how Billy and Tommy would be glad to be a part of the wedding if they needed them to. Nat gave Y/N little details and advice with planning the party and also offering to lend a hand where it was needed since she just got done with her own.

Then Steve and Peggy also congratulate them and express their excitement for all that was to come for the couple, and all the fun double dates they would/ already had been taking apart in. 

Once it got dark, Steve announced to the crew the little celebration they had set up at Roger's home for an after party of the engagement. Everyone agreed they would meet there. 

So as Y/N and Bucky grabbed their things and started walking to the car, Y/N stopped him as he was about to close the car door for her. 

“Hey,” she turned where she was standing on the sidewalk. Bucky just inches from her. 

“Hey,” he responded with a goofy grin. 

“I love you so so much. You know that right?”

“I know Y/N. And I love you so so much too, doll.”

Thank you so much for reading!! Keep an eye out for a possible one-shot/ prologue of this story;)

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[goldentournesol]

to be true, to not be true (part 1)

Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary: early in y/n’s and spencer’s relationship, y/n fears the growing distance between them, although what seemed to be possible infidelity, is actually much worse–for spencer.

Length: 2.9k

A/N: i wrote this in collaboration with one of my favorite writers on here, Mia over at @mggpleasedontlookhere​. She is so wonderful and hopefully you can see both of our writing styles here! 

masterlist

The sunlight streaming through the windows made the hairs on my skin dance in glee, although it was the soft breeze invading the space that contrasted the radiant warmth. An equilibrium was achieved–a needed balance. The same can be said about the nerves crawling about my stomach and the naive excitement that made me light-headed whenever I was around Spencer. I glanced up at him from where my head lay in his lap. The reflected glow from the TV danced across his features making my heart jolt. My stare caught his attention and he sent me a small smile, his hand leaving traces in my hair. It was his day off and I had no problem spending it in suffocating proximity with him.

“This is nice,” I breathed, leaning back into his soft touch. He hummed in response, almost in contentment, if not for the moment his eyes seemed far off, entangled in a distant thought. It was so brief, I might have missed it. His job took a lot from him and I knew that, which is why I never pushed him. Instead, I let the subtle aroma of morning coffee and fresh linen confine my senses, leaving me oblivious to reality.

Although not a few moments later, the ping from Spencer’s phone burst the fantastical bubble that surrounded us. My eyes lingered on the cartoon characters plastered on the screen but I couldn’t help noticing the way Spencer’s fingers would thump rhythmically against the floor. Adjacent to his palm, rested his phone, revealing several notifications as it came alive. Albeit I paid no mind to their context given I was enamored by the picture of me on his homescreen. A faint smile graced my lips at the observation, feeling a wave of warmth rush my cheeks.

“I wonder who that is,” I teased, referring to the image. Spencer must have misunderstood my point of reference, hastily explaining that new language that Morgan had introduced him to through text messages.

“Spencer, using emojis does not constitute a new language.”

“Considering its context, I would argue it is–I mean look at hieroglyphics!” I covered my face in amusement, running my hands over my eyes. A sharp exhale left my lungs as my chest filled with contagious giggles. It seems that I was too consumed in my fit of laughter to notice Spencer stealthily concealing the device and turning off his ringer.

“First of all, hieroglyphics is a formal writing system-”

“And does that not ‘constitute’ a portion of language? Also, isn’t texting a writing system in itself?” His lips formed into a sly smirk, thinking he’d gotten the best of me.

“You’re right in the way that hieroglyphics is part of the language, however it’s all but the ‘expression’ of that language.” I debated, gesturing to the air as I explained my point. For a moment our eyes met, and I could feel my playful resolve melt away under his gaze. Despite the pause in my confidence, my stubbornness shone through.

“All I heard was that I was right,” he jested, tickling the side of my waist. I jumped at his mischief, collapsing into pleas and begs as he continued his assault at my skin. My stomach churned in delight as my hands attempted to pry him off of me, the premise of our conversation vanishing into air like wisps of smoke.

-

Spencer’s days off were becoming increasingly rare, I’d barely seen him in the last two weeks, but we’ve managed to salvage enough time between cases for a date. The excitement buzzed through my veins as the clock ticked closer to 7 pm. I was growing restless in the apartment, obsessively checking my phone for the time. Spencer is usually right on time, if not early. Dread and anxiety clogged up my throat as I waited for him. For hours, call after call would be sent straight to voicemail. The weather outside seemed to be in tandem with the way I felt. The rain was as unforgiving as the tears that striped my face.

I was never one to hold a grudge. But it happened once, then it happened twice. Slowly, it became a habit and it was impossible to reach him.

I guess date nights on Thursdays were now obsolete.

He came over to my apartment maybe once whenever he was in town and even then he was nearly unrecognizable. His shy, loving demeanor was replaced by explosive irritability and general unease. I wished he’d just talk to me, but he continued to brush me off. He was being distant and strange, his behavior was so unlike him. Knowing him though, he was probably too stressed or busy to get around to doing simple tasks like eating a balanced meal. Spencer can be quite scatterbrained, and I hadn’t seen him in around a week. So, around lunch time, I made Spencer a healthy meal packed with proteins and veggies and decided to pop into the BAU and drop it off. It felt like a good way to cheer him up. Maybe we’d have lunch together at the park he always liked to visit. It wasn’t that far from headquarters. Hell, I’d even eat lunch with him at his desk at this point.

The walk into the BAU was strangely nerve wracking, I could feel my heart in my throat. I had an uneasy feeling in my gut but I took a deep breath and pushed the heavy glass doors open. My eyes scanned the bullpen for my boyfriend but I couldn’t find him. Standing there in confusion, I was only snapped out of my trance when someone bumped into me from behind.

“I’m so sorry–oh, it’s you! Hey Y/N, what are you doing here?” JJ said, closing the file she held in her hands and wrapping me in a one-armed hug.

“Hey JJ! I was looking for Spence, I got him lunch, but I can’t seem to find him anywhere? Do you know where he is?” I said as I pulled back from the hug, she began to say something but was interrupted.

“Woah hey, sunshine! I was wondering why it suddenly got so bright in here.” The deep voice of none other than Derek Morgan came from beside us and he was, of course, donning his signature cheeky grin. I couldn’t help but grin back, even though my chest was nearly caving in on itself.

“Did Spence come in today?” JJ asked Morgan, whose brows immediately furrowed.

“No, I haven’t seen him today. I think he might be coming in late, I’m not sure. He’s been kind of off, lately.” Morgan said, eyes searching my own for an answer.

“He has, hasn’t he?” I exclaimed and the two nodded in agreement, “I’ve been worried about him, maybe all that emoji-talk finally got to him.” I laughed slightly, but stopped when I found Morgan’s expression shift.

“What do you mean? I stopped trying to explain emojis to him like months ago, if the genius doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get it.” Morgan shrugged, unknowingly allowing the literal caving in of my chest to take place. JJ noticed the change in me immediately.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” She asked in her usual caring manner, but I could barely hear her over the rushing of my blood in my ears.

“Nothing, nothing. Um, if he comes in today, can you just give him this?” I dismissed the conversation and handed over the brown bag with the lunch I made, disguising the sharp exhale that left my lungs. Before JJ had the opportunity to utilize her profiling skills, I gave both of them a cordial nod and left the office.

My steps felt heavier with every collision against the tile, albeit the loud thumping of my heart drowned out reality around me. My mind warped itself around irrational thoughts as my loyalty to Spencer attempted to retaliate against the invaders. The concept of Spencer as dubious and sly fell foreign to me. However, that lack of knowledge only added fuel to the imminent blaze that engulfed my head and stomach.

I swarmed with alternate realities, trying to make sense of the unknown. If Spencer was aware of my method of defining a solution, I would’ve been scolded by my naivety and illogical thinking. Oh to be a scientist–to have a mind like his. It’s a gift yet a heavy burden to carry. Is that it? Was that it? Does he not believe I’m capable of understanding a mind like his? Was I stupid? No. He had shared intimate momentos of his life before, so what was it? What can I not offer…What can I not promise to make him drift away like this?

It must have been me, right? I must’ve hit a boundary the last time we spoke! Or was it his work? No. By the time my thoughts stopped buzzing, I realized my feet carried me to the park I intended to visit earlier with Spencer. An unfamiliar pang hit my chest, sending reverbing waves throughout the cavity. A sort of ache rested in the core of my heart–something I didn’t think I would feel when reflecting on my relationship with Spencer–my Spencer. I guess I was so used to the warm bubble he fabricated that I forgot how cold the real world was.

Was that it? Did I stop being that for him too?

The thought of the slow degradation of our relationship sent a chilling shock through my veins while I swallowed pins and needles. My hand rested on a park bench next to me, letting myself use the wooden beams as support. Looking out into the far pond in the center of the park, I pulled myself to take a seat. The wind began to whistle through the trees, and the lake of glitter–the nickname I gave whenever the sun casted its glow onto the surface–lost all of its beauty. Crickets didn’t even dare to sing their usual melody and birds flew south to their homes. The breaths I took kept going nowhere, dissolving into nothing even though my chest expanded and retracted.

I pulled at the ends of my sleeves, tucking my knees into my chest as the air grew crisp. Questions of infidelity and unfounded justifications collided creating a mass of insatiable curiosity. My head coincided with entropy–it enjoyed the chaos–until suddenly it went blank. Every tether that kept me grounded vanished, my consciousness going into autopilot. I didn’t even realize the burn that resided in my eyelids or the wet streaks coating my cheeks–maybe from the dryness or something more. It was only the small drop of water landed on the back of my palm that pushed me out of the addicting trance.

Another one had landed on my forehead. And another one. And another one. I cringed as I felt the water drip from my head to the crevice of my ear. The clouds began to rumble a somber tune as it began to rain. Plucking myself from the bench, I made no hurry to make it back to the house. In a way, the droplets cascading the skin distracted me–seemingly blissful compared to the former events.

Once again, my feet held a prominent consciousness as it was the only part of me that was stable, leading me to the doorstep of my apartment complex. With what felt like a last ditch effort, I checked my phone for any new messages from Spencer. My heart lurched seeing a new notification pop up. To my surprise, it was from him.

With a deep breath and newfound hope, I unlocked the device, taking a moment to gaze at the picture of I and Spencer on the screen, before proceeding. My shoulders dropped, the tight squirming in my stomach halting. A hopeful smile crept on the corners of my lips, the previous distrust dissipating from my unreliable mind as I read the words displayed in front of me.

“Date night tomorrow?”

-

Tomorrow night couldn’t come quick enough. It somehow felt like I was holding my breath the entire day until I finally saw him. He was apologetic and sweet enough that it quieted my anxieties for a while. If he held any guilt or shame, it wasn’t apparent, or maybe he hid it well. Or maybe I was being ridiculous and reading far too much into things that could be circumstantial. But this was Spencer…my Spencer, the tenderhearted, gentle soul who made way too many corny physics jokes.

Dinner went by much smoother than I expected, but I still felt like there were things unsaid. The words felt lodged in my throat, almost like an itch I couldn’t reach. Either by mindless habit or by sheer deliberacy, we ended up in our favorite park. The very park that I found myself running to in a fit of frustration yesterday. Our feet seemed to know the way of our usual path along the pavement. I wondered briefly if there was a place I stepped in twice without noticing it. There was a lull in conversation and before I realized it, the words escaped me stealthily.

“Hey, Spence?” I started, and he took his attention off his shoes to look at me, “I, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something.” The way the words stumbled ungracefully from my lips had me cringing. He lifted a brow in intrigue and caught my eye, silently profiling me and my nervous behavior.

“Anything, love.” The use of the amorous term caught me off guard and I had to swallow under his intense gaze. I felt myself open my mouth, but the words died on my tongue as the blaring of his ringtone took the place of my voice between us. It was almost as if the scratchy melody startled him because the way he snatched himself away from me to look at his phone was worrisome.

His brows bunched together as he took a look at it, “I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

Without waiting for my confirmation, he pressed the phone to his ear and took a few large steps away from me, as if the space would give him more privacy. I suddenly felt extremely exposed without him by my side.

The emptiness beside me lingered of his scent, almost mocking me, the words constricting my tongue. If I had a second longer, maybe the phone call would’ve been obsolete, maybe for the first time in a long time he would’ve been selfishly mine, even for another moment. I found myself suffocating in the same place I was yesterday like some poetic injustice. Perhaps I’m just a marionette, dangling from loose strings as the universe had their way with me. Frankly that would be less upsetting than watching Spencer slip through my fingers, knowing that it was possibly me who sealed that fate, and not some otherworldly being. It would’ve been my doing, and that’s something I’m not yet ready to realize.

Maybe it was my undying curiosity or growing twinge in my chest every second passed that led me to consult the moral figures weighing down my shoulders. At two opposing extremes, they debated the right course of action–or if doing the right thing was even the course of action to consider. Surprisingly in the end, it was my impulsivity that answered for me, wasting no time to stipulate consequences.

I shook off the twisting feeling in my stomach, pushing myself off in Spencer’s direction. I kept justifying my actions by telling myself that all I would be doing is checking on him, although the underlying motive was nothing under disguise. I whispered the same mantra to myself with every inch closer. I gritted my teeth as the antsy sensation traveled to my shoulders, slowing my steps to contemplate my reasoning.

What am I doing? A harsh exhale of detest left my lungs, leaving a light yet deserved burn in my esophagus. It seemed incredulous to me that I was willing to eavesdrop on my own boyfriend, although it didn’t seem like that minutes ago. I bit the inside of my cheek in shame, turning myself around.

Has this all been in my head? No, it can’t. Then why would he lie? He wouldn’t, but he did. Confusion set deep within me, however it was my guilt that left an everlasting mark. Maybe Spencer had his reasons, he would never deliberately fib–at least the Spencer I knew would never. But what if that’s it? Did I really know Spencer that well? The world around me closed in rapidly, my senses overwhelmed. Did I make him lie? It would make sense considering my recent possessiveness. Did he see that? Did I drive him away?

I bit down on my bottom lip, threatening to break the skin. I ran my hand through my hair several times, taking a few calming breaths to compose myself. No, I can’t think like that. This is Spencer, he’s my Spe–no, maybe he never was mine?

Unable to contain my contradicting thoughts any longer, I shifted around with a newfound determination. Pushing the bile building up at the bottom of my stomach, I prepared to march my way to him. My body set aflame with feigned confidence, hopefully enough to fuel the overpowering desire to know the truth.

To know whether the truth actually lied in the irrationality of my mind

To know whether the truth lied in the coarseness of my behavior.

To know whether the truth  lied in the prospects of Spencer’s job.  

To know whether the truth-

“I guess I’ll see you on Thursday!” Spencer smiled with endearment–a smile I thought was reserved for me. “It’s a date…”

To know whether the truth was that he was no longer mine.

part 2  feedback is always appreciated!