#going under makes me really ill
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Got my uterus out ✌️
#rambles#ovaries too thabks everyone for voting#super surreal but also great but also complicated but also simple. and i'm really glad i did it#i dont have painkillers tho yet and hoo baby. not great#we were gone for a total of 14 hours#i had to pee before they let me go and my body was like hmm no. we're using all this water#so i was awake around 11 and left after 4#bc obviously i had to be first done and last to leave#BUT!!! I didnt throw up!! which is a miracle#going under makes me really ill
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this kink is so stupid im torn between posting like “please i just want to be loved and feel special i wish i was sick so someone would care for me” or “what if a guy being humiliated by wearing a too-short skirt had to sneeze but they couldnt cover bc their hands were too busy trying to keep the fabric in place” So im posting both. heres both.
#thumbs up emoji#dont have privacy to jack off so im rlly pent up#and also under. probably the most stress i have been in my life (ill be fine#but im really. needy. i wish i was sick bc then id be worthy of tsking care of IDK my brain is so melted#i want someone to care for me so so so badly#or like make me sneeze. that would be cool too#this is dipping vent territory my bad im genuinely going crazy i want to feel loved#idc where it comes from i just need it(looks like pathetic little cat scratching at a couch#alright looks good. lets press post#excuse my craziness 4 tn#im like almost stress delirious lmfao#apologies#text
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I feel like... Perhaps... Arguing that transphobia is defined by murder and that anything other than murder doesn't even matter... May NOT be conducive to fighting for trans rights.
Like... people want the right to exist as they are. They want to have access to hrt and surgeries and prosthetics. People want access to clothes that fit them and reflect how they want to be seen. People want access to medical care (eg. Getting screened and treated for sex-based forms of cancer can be impossible if you have the "wrong" sex listed to receive those tests). People want to be respected and treated well. People want to not be sexually assaulted and beaten and abused. People want to have access to housing and jobs, and the protection to not lose those things for being trans. People want access to shelters for homeless people or survivors of domestic abuse. People want name changes.
Acting like all of those things don't matter because at least they weren't murderered by an individual (and instead die of suicide or state violence, or survive and suffer) isn't okay.
#'hey people are forcibly detransitioning you and raping and beating you and you lost your job and are going to be homeless and#probably die of infection from being stabbed for trying to go to the bathroom. but at least you arent part of a demographic that has a#higher murder victim rate! shhh just ignore that we dont actually have data on the murder rate of your group.'#do ppl like. forget state based violence exists. and that thats most violence minorities face.#idk man im just. mad about people on here acting like youre only oppressed if youre a perisex trans woman who was AMAB.#cause i exist at the intersection of multiple minorities and being told hey u experience violence but at least you wont be murdered by an#individual feels like a slap in the face.#like it doesnt matter if i have to mask my neurodivergent behaviour bc if people see they could assume im on drugs and call the police and#i could potentially be really hurt but not die but hey at least i wont die just be horrifically traumatized by police brutality!#there are millions of people with mental illnesses similar to my own around the world who are institutionalized and forcibly medicated or#living on the streets or dependant on horrifically abusive caregivers#but hey at least they arent being murdered!#like. the way the transphobia discussion on tumblr rn discusses (and doesnt discuss) race and ability and class and health makes me#feel very invisible.#like if people had to choose who to believe about my experiences between listening to me a black/mixed mentally ill maybe disabled (used to#be disabled) hella nd trans nonbinary person#or listen to a white middle class trans woman's take on my experiences that theyd choose her. its such a weird weird microcosm.#its like a monkeys paw like people are finally listening to trans fems and finally recognising the violence they experience and finally#actually caring about them but for some reason decide that in order to do that its necessary to throw every other minority under the bus#like fuck man have you seen how 'anti transandrophobia truthers' discuss race? its NOT okay#we all matter we all are so similar and are part of the same groups and same communities we need to stick together#stop using trans fems as a battering ram to hurt other minorities challenge#cause like. yes its some trans fems. but its mostly NOT?#like its non trans fems telling other non trans fems that they arent oppressed#and even when many trans fems are like what the fuck dude of course other trans ppl matter whats wrong with you#the group of like 80% non trans fems 20% trans fems are like 'hmm if you are defending other trans people you must not really be trans fem'#like. denying trans fems their identity bc they disagree with them?? dude someone doesnt stop being a trans fem cause they recognise#people other than trans fems matter and exist#its just all so WEIRD its a weird little tumblr microcosm#i wanna stress. for those of you who dont have access to other lgbtq+ communities. how much it seems to be primarily a tumblr thing. to
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ive got an essay due at 3pm tomorrow and ive not even looked at it i am so so unserious about my degree and by the grace of some higher being i somehow keep managing to crawl through it's actually getting a bit funny
#me and an old friend of mine used to have a running joke during a-levels that im just one of those people where shit Works Out#and it started bc we shared two a-levels (english and economics) and in BOTH classes i regularly didn't do the homework#or the reading etc and yet it would ALWAYS work out for me#like we'd walk into a class neither of us having done the homework and they'd get yelled at while i went under the radar somehow#or that one english essay i got the highest score in the class when i literally hadn't even read the fucking book it was on#and when we pointed the theory out it started just becoming really prevalent#like no matter how late i am for things i'll arrive and by some miracle the thing im late for is also late (e.g a train or teacher)#like im just one of those people that has very very mundane luck#and low and behold i am fighting this degree with bloody fists putting the absolute bare minimum in for my own sanity's sake#and i SOMEHOW keep pulling through. literally failed two modules last year and STILL got a 2:1 average#and the last essay i wrote was the worst essay id ever done in my life and i get my standards are higher bc ik im good at essays#but the point still stands and you know what? i got a FIRST#literally was pure waffle i have never blagged it so hard and i got a FIRST#and all this shit just makes me cockier and cockier and go even more by the skin of my teeth and it ALWAYS WORKS OUT#it's soooo silly but im not complaining. anyway ill keep u posted about this essay <3 it's econ history so is actually interesting#but the most ive done for it is ask the sc ai lmao and for context degree-level essays usually require a good few days of graft#live love laziness#hella goes to uni
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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mutuals. i am getting caught in my own bitterness again...
#ill vent because this is basically my bedroom#my younger older brother is caught up in that phase of romantic love when nothing else matter but girlfriend#thats fine i guess it happens#the thing is he forgot about my birthday and i was sad. then he remembered that he forgot and called and said#heyyy lemme make it up to you. lets go grab dinner this weekend (last weekend)#he forgot he even said me and went wine tasting with his gf. so now im double sad AND pissed because#i said no to my friends who actually wanted to see me because i was under the assumption that we were going out#so i sent him a passive aggressive message like heyy dinner was great thx for that xd and he was like what dinner??#long story short he realized he fucked up again and invited me to dinner for realsies this time#but like. he isnt really inviting me? he and my niece were going to a kiddy place he promised he would take her and said i could tag along#i told him i realize now he just invited that to save face and to forget about it#but now im even sadder cuz i love my niece and she is always happy to see me... i just feel like im stupid or something#theyre going tomorrow and im debating on whether i should swallow my pride and go for her#i probably wont#im still not over it#anyway whatever i got work to do
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Opening the local bubble tea store absolutely livid and shaking in rage and upset bc my bitch ass boss is too concerned about us sitting on the job to order the tea bags I requested Two Fucking Weeks Ago (it only takes like 4 or 5 days to ship) and so we're out and I had to hand wash the 1 reusable bag to make black tea and I have to strain the free floating tea leaves from the cold brew and I just KNOWWWW he's going to have something more to bitch about because he always does
Last straw on the camel's back, etc etc, I want to put in my two weeks notice by the end of this week. That's a goal for myself.
#speculation nation#i currently dont have a job lined up but im going to start applying Today#because i cant take this anymore. i cant fucking take this anymore.#i feel like im about to shatter from the strain of hos chokehold#8 years total under his thumb and for What? he doesnt appreciate me. he doesnt value me.#he's an asshole this place sucks and it makes me so sad because i really do care about the people here#but i cant. i cant fucking do it anymore.#im really glad im alone on shift rn bc ha ha ha. ill put up the mask for customers but i am#genuinely shaking rn. im so upset.#this being after he complained Again about people sitting on the job during the meeting last night like#shut UPPPP I DONT CAAAARE#YOU TRY WORKING WITH CHRONIC PAIN AND FATIGUE AND A JOB THAT DOESNT GIVE GENUINE BREAKS#'oh if you need to take a break then do it but just dont sit down on the job“#WHEN DO YOU THINK I COULD TAKE MY BREAK? IM WORKING ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!+#and when im.not working alone im working with trainees so i still cant leave the store unattended#im sick of him.im so sick of him and im THIIIIIIIIIS close to just breaking down here and now#i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i HATE HIM#negative/#sorry for the vent i just feel like.im about to blow up and everyone's busy so ic cant. vent properly#im not even done opening bc im too busy freaking out and pacing and being angry#and hes gonna watch me sitting here thru the cameras and be like Ho Hum Look at you immediately doing what i said not to#like fucking STOP!!!! WATCHING US!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING CREEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#IM SO SICK OF HIM WATCHING US THROUGH THE CAMERAS. HE HAS NO TRUST IN ME DOING MY JOB#0 value for me as a person or employee 0 value for my to this day dedication to this company#i want to send my heel through those front windows. watch them shatter. wreck the whole place#because fuck this place and fuck him#i wontttt bc i dont wanna go to jail lol but the temptation is there. i fucking hate his guts.#im going to put in my 2 weeks by the end of this week. im going to start applying to places Today. just fucking watch me.
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Sebastian (pink hair) and Cornella (blue hair) meet as children and realize "ah, that's the kid my parents told me to avoid because of business reasons" and immediately decide "hey, we're going to be best friends and not fight". Which... in the long run helps a lot in regards to their parents companies because now the parents have to play nice around their kids.
long history below lol
So they're just bffs throughout their youth and a couple years before their high school graduation, Sebastian spots a kid with messy hair who looks really nervous. Since it's early in the year, maybe the kid needs help finding somewhere? So he goes over to offer to help him to class buuuuut the guy flinches and runs away. So Sebastian is ready to report to Cornella at lunch but she slams her hands down on the table saying "I JUST SAW THE CUTEST GUY EVER". And Sebastian puts his concerns on hold until he realizes they're about to talk about the same guy.
The duo then decide "operation befriend shy guy" and spend like an entire school year getting Matis to warm up to them. Good! Except now they're seniors and STILL both pining for the underclassman (only a grade below) and they have an agreement to not pressure Matis into any weird situations about picking between them.
Matis and Sebastian like to draw though and so one day as Sebastian is vibing and sketching Cornella while stealing glances at Matis, he decides to put little hearts around her head. It's fine, it's not weird, it's totally cool. And Matis sees and comments he must really like her and while he DOES really like her it's .... not quite like that. So he laughs it off.
The two graduate and then start to train at their parents companies while attending college and the years go on. They still sometimes think about Matis and go "wonder how he's doing" "wonder if he's more outspoken now" "wonder if he'd remember us" because they're both very normal about the lingering crush they have. Cornella walks into the building she works at one day and is going directly to her office in hopes no one sees her since she's supposed to be off when she hears her name.
"I'm not here, you didn't see me and you REALLY didn't see me if my dad's asking" is her immediate response but the guy's like 'oh, sure, understood. i am interviewing someone who said he went to school with you' and so she looks over and is just. Floored. Yup, still nervous looking, definitely remembers them, he's doing fine, and he's apparently now working at her company. Fabulous.
She does say hello and then nervously excuses herself to go to her office before anyone else sees her but hey see you around good to see you bye haha... and calls Sebastian with "He's hot now" with no context. So he asks who and she's like "oh only the cutest boy to ever plague our brains for years" and Sebastian is just "wait wait, Matis ? ? YOU SAW HIM? WHERE? HELLO? Why was I not invited to see him? Why did you not video call so I can see him? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S HOT" and then they scheme how to actually meet up and involve Matis. And they agree while he's definitely handsome dealing with other people, the fact he still blushes and looks nervous around them and looks to them for approval is the absolute cutest thing on the planet.
#pining since hs wdym#also someone pointed out matis is daikon colors and yeah ...... yeaaaah....#another person said omg seeing the three at the bottom is like trans colors#and honestly im here for the accidental rep#it was mostly me going you know what since theres a boy girl duo and for some reason blue pink is the weird norm#time to swap that and have a pink boy and blue girl#then i had no idea for a third color and just went white but with green as an under color#matis looks really professional when talking to other coworkers but blushes the second seb and cornella are involved#and sebastian is extremely cat coded#his little tufts of hair on the side of his head just kinda being cat ear like#and theres another reason but ill doodle it out later but hes basically just a fluffy pink cat who thrives with attention#but is so quick to be done with said attention cause hes bored bye#cornella and her crinkle cut hair is so cute imo#she has long hair as a kid then gets tired of maintaining it and cuts it short in hs and then grows it back out#matis goes from if i cant see them they cant see me to okay i have to pretend like im an adult who can make eye contact#seb and cornella are absolutely mind blown by the fact he has a beauty mark and they had no idea for the entire two school years with him
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Love posting my Spotify receipts for the month bc you can always tell when I’ve had smth big to write for one of my classes bc the one Jash song (Dream (Outro from Calamity)) will make the receipt. I did not end up a Jashinator but I do like having a song I can rely on to make me write things.
#rian’s slay compilation#the first time I heard the song I was in a mood all da time so I really identified it w what splitting felt like#idk it doesn’t hit as much now bc I’ve undergone a different sort of mental illness lately (more tired than actively harmful to myself)#^it’s the way it picks up in intensity. that’s what it feels like when you try to communicate how smth feels but they don’t listen and then#go have fun at a concert and you feel so nauseous that you have to leave a shared group chat while you sob your eyes out for several hours.#y’know? anyway June/July was fun. I need four hours of build daily to keep me occupied (tired). it does actually do me wonders.#I’m so big and strong now. idk how big you are my lovely mutuals but I could lift the smaller ones I reckon.#right now I could pick up (not for long) anyone around or under 150 pounds. also preferably not super taller than me but I think it’d work.#it’s a start! I should start lifting. makes me feel big and strong. I wanna pick my friends up.#^sorry to derail this in the tags but I typed that up and was like ‘that’s such a King statement’. it’s bc someone liked a post where I#talked about feeling all overgrown and how King being half a foot shorter than me but still picking me up like a brides made me feel Not#Overgrown#I don’t worry about feeling overgrown so much anymore but I do kinda miss the bride lifting. it was nice every once in a while#it’s small things like that.#side note I think I could pick King up now bc they’re roughly my weight and as we established I can lift ppl about my weight very briefly#it’s the build. it makes me big and strong. it’s all the wood holding and platform throwing
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AHHHHHH
#this post brought to you by: me#i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses#i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP#like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready#anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT#and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk#and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message#even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL#AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year#i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job#which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind#so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something#on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now#on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT#but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to#richard started yelling and swearing el oh el#might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option#the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going#idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks#this is why i want to get out of here#also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about#not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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she's talking on a call with her parents about how it was her luck and gods will what got her into this college who's gonna tell her of course no one because you know 🤡🤡
#i can't believe things can get so unfair even in the education system when its literally about someone's career#roommate takes everything so casually she's just the worst person academically i encountered#and i don't have the authority to say who belongs to which place but it really hurt doesn't it#there are kids giving their everything working hard and all praying screaming to get climbed upon my someone#who spent their first year crying about missing home and not studying not even a minute under the name of not being able to adjust#then how did she suddenly adjust now how is she going on group studies now its all a joke to her#and thats why she failed this year yeah it was predictable#there were friends' friends i know who were put out and had to ask how much did she score#well ill tell you A FUCKING 347 in neet#CAN YOU BELIEVE IT#do you think she deserves to come in a medical stream?#and no she's not economically unwell for most i can say she's everything better than me#and god forbid i speak#im not against whatever thenpolitics run around i don't have enough knowledge i don't hate anyone#and im not taking anyone's right out of their platter as if i even have the right#but sometimes i see people like her and it makes me wanna cry#if they aren't at fault neither ae we.right?#but i hope she becomes someone better#does something i hope she turns out a good doctor or whatever she wants#please don't waste this seat
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i can feel myself getting preemptively annoyed with some of the comments I might get on the next chapter of to all the better places and let me tell you it's making it really hard to write this chapter in peace
#i just know I'm going to get so so many people hating on Ted again#and I appreciate the comments I really do#but the total lack of nuance astounds me#I think people forget just how much of a dickhead Jamie actually was in season one#and also that Ted thinking slightly ill thoughts about Jamie when he remembers him as being a very hostile and combative person#doesn't make him a bad guy#because fun amazing fact about to all the better places#is that Ted and Jamie haven't actually had a SINGLE conversation yet#because when Ted tried to have a civil conversation with Jamie in chapter three Jamie ran away#they are currently still dancing around each other#and I love that people are invested in the story and care about Jamie#but getting comments that are literally just character hate towards a character that isn't actually supposed to be hated?#not that fun#makes me feel like I'm trying to write around a bunch of landmines to avoid getting comments that are pure character bashing#you can be mad at Ted in this fic he's being frustrating and I'm writing him like that on purpose#but he's not the villain#he's barely even an antagonist#he's just bias and not sure what he's doing because he's in a confusing ass situation. he's trying his best under the circumstances#because he is as much of a fully fleshed out character as Jamie is
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i can tell my coworkers r worried about me, one because they keep making sure iv had the little snacks that r available to all the teachers, and two because one of them literally asked if i was ok cause i seemed a little down. n the thing is im fine !! literally. but iv been doing a lot of deskwarming recently as the school years ending and when i deskwarm my brain turns to mush. so i dont react as quickly to people talking to me and it takes a moment for my voice to work again. but like i really am fine. nice to be worried about sometimes tho
#personal shizz#when i finally have something to do like correcting papers#i jump right on it. gimme those papers#im not excited about it. sometimes they give me headaches cause the students make mistakes they really shouldnt be making atp#but its something to do#im looking at the last lesson i have w them before the years over#n hoping they let me do a jeopardy review game again like last year#its so fun to make and do w the kids#maybe this year ill give out little candies to the winning team#since i think theyr burnt out on stickers#anyways. under an hour til i can go home
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Maybe I'll die in my sleep lol
#stuff sarah says#im gonna make a more serious life updage post tomorrow#for those curious as to whats going on with me that i havent told privately yet#but yeah. im not well#my mom seriously wants me to try getting a new therapist and im digging my heels in#bc im fine. dont people know i thrive under high stress and taking everything on my own shoulders?#itll be after this is all over that youll need to worry about me#its like keeping pressure on a wound. im fine. im under so much pressure. its once it gets released that i might bleed out#or like. im like a blobfish. if you depressurize me ill blow up#maybe i would be pretty if i was deep in the ocean under insane amounts of pressure...#anyway. i hate myself. i hate my life. i wish i was never born. everything is terrifying#but like im fine. how is this any different than it ever is really?#im the universes favorite punching bag. im so resilient. i always bounce back. im fine. dont worry.
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hope i die in my sleep or something (:
#personal#rly makes me feel loved when my mom makes fun of my chronic pain and chronic illness#by going “haha i feel bad every day too. you're not special”#go fuck yourself.#and this is after i express my concern cause she's been under the weather for a few days now#like. way to throw that back in my face for really no apparent reason. fuck you.
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