#good for health. not so good for binge writing like I so desperately want to lmfao

[carnivorousyandeere]

Too tired to finish writing tonight but here is a sample

Please don’t actually curse me over the lack of full fic 😭💀

[demonicsaintess]

The Most Pointless Mob Psycho 100 S2ep3 Rant Ever

warning: there’s a bit of spoilers here

Hello hello it’s me again, Holy~

So I’ve been binging Mob Psycho 100, because everyone started suddenly talking about it, and being the nosey bitch that I am…. I needed to get to it. So, of course I did. I spent about an hour writing this. I wanted to get this right. Especially since I felt some if the parallels lined up with my personal life experiences. So, it’s time to cut the cake.

*note, stuff that can be casually skipped over, will be written in orange

Damn this episode was a doozy.

Season 2 Episode 3: One Danger After Another ~Degeneracy~

I love Reigan. I really, really fucking love Reigan. He cares for Mob and is honestly a good mentor to him, although he himself is shady. He is seen as the one who is emotionally shaping, and raising Mob. I have issues with the way Reigan has been going about it though; and I don’t feel like that’s an unfair accusation. Like, sure, during the first season, he goes from lightly manipulating Mob, to taking notice of the effect of the actions he is making Mob take. Now in the second season, it seems as though he has now acknowledged that whether he wanted to or not, Mob has come to take his words as law; and Reigan is now a father figure to him. Here is the growth path it seems to be going down in my opinion. Now, I’m just speculating, but this season’s going to be a huge awakening for Reigan, to the fact that he has probably been the unconscious catalyst for a considerable amount of emotional turmoil to Shigeo’s adolescence . It’s almost laughable how Dimple can see it before Reigan. Yes, it may be because of underhanded motives, but to be fair, isn’t Reigan also using underhanded tactics? On the other hand though, I also see Reigan starting to become more honest; even if he doesn’t stop scamming. (Come on, we all know Reigan is stupidly good at cons; we love a bad bitch okay? Girl boss??) But I don’t see this season going further than this aspect regarding Reigan.

Mob on the other hand, I believe he has learned something about himself, each time he has exploded.

So, a little backstory. Once upon a time there was a little girl back in the 90s, who was diagnosed in the early days of mental health awareness, with ADHD; and eventually ended up with a final diagnosis 20 years later, of bipolar and schizophrenia, Trust me when I say, it took YEARS for me stabilize, with medicine. It was hard, scary, and way too much to have to deal with through my adolescent years; and I had a good, caring support system. Okay, end of flashback (phew).

This season has eerily similar undertones to the struggles I had faced, okay, scratch that; it’s screaming in my face; the similarities are quaking, alright? The most ironic thing I can say about this is, it’s fucking puberty my guys! Right now Mob is what? 14/15? That’s a really sensitive age for kids. Not to mention, imagine having the unfortunate issue of WHEN you reach emotional overload, you black out, and destroy things. Many mental illnesses come with loss of memory to outbursts, and even black out rages or mental breaks. When I was a child, I’d get so emotionally stressed where I’d sort of “go to sleep,” and it’d end with me “coming to” with myself, or others hurt; sometimes both. Mob is essentially experiencing that.

Mob is dealing with his emotions getting bigger, as he’s starting to try to be PART of the world now. He’s still desperately trying to keep control in the way he was taught: bottle it up. He went from trying to deny himself it felt like. Almost as if he didn’t consider himself as… anything. Almost feeling unfortunately born, but not wishing to leave the loose support system he does have. Everything he has learned about being a good person, unfortunately came from Reigan. Let me make this clear, I’m not shitting on Reigan. I actually love him. THEREFORE, being honest, I have to also fault him. I will give him back his points though for the following reason:

I think, being at the age where I would have children, I feel Reigan’s rule of don’t fight humans, is the smartest option for Shigeo. Think about it; at the end of episode 3, what did he say? “If I were to ever use my power to eradicate a person, is there anyone who would be able to stop me?” That’s a pretty heavy thing to have to think of around 14 years old. Mob is struggling emotionally this season. I can already see him having a breakdown. I hate to just bluntly say this, but I just have a bad feeling on episode 3, that is just steadily growing more gnawing. I feel like Shigeo starting to voice his opinion, and slowly learning to make his own boundaries and realizing his own morals, is also becoming his “undoing” of sorts. Acknowledging and learning about your emotions, and how to healthily cope with them, is honestly probably the most irresponsible to think a 14 year old to manage perfectly. Therefore, requiring a 14 year old boy to deal with situations where he has to make permanent decisions by himself (think the family of ghosts and whether to exorcise them “for the customers.”), is asking for way too much. I for one, think its super fucked up that he has to even think for one second about something like this, over his FOURTEEN YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY FEELINGS. (Thanks a fucking lot REIGAN).

I have a lot of hope for Shigeo this season. Just like little reporter girl said, “Mob-kun needs to grow much, much more.”

Thanks for reading yet another review by

The Holy Villainess~

[potteresque-ire]

This is a response to @rainbowsky​ ‘s questions about BJYX, as the original post got too long for reblogging (I hope this is okay!). 1) Should we be worried about GG and DD being outed? I often think about what it’s like to be in the closet and I know how it feels to need to be SEEN. But I also understand the reasons why that might not be an option for them. Still, I worry about them being involuntarily outed. There are so many antis after them.

 2) What would you speculate is the likelihood of this ever happening, and what might be the consequences if it happened?Is leaving an option for them, even as a distant goal years from now?

3)Does their fame and popularity hold any protective power in the situation (i.e. if they were to come out or be outed, would public opinion about what might happen to them have any impact on the outcome given the nature of the regime)? To what degree would that depend on how much money they are still able to make for interested parties?

My response is under the cut, as it got long, as usual ~

@rainbowsky, you’re among the first BXGs I followed! I’d like to thank you for your insightful posts as well!

Your questions ~ I don’t think I’m qualified to speculate because I’m still a very new turtle and also because of the volatility as well as inconsistencies of China’s sociopolitical policies. I do have a better sense of China’s politics than most international fans, but I also don’t live there and the only way to truly understand how things work at the ground level in a non-transparent country like China is to be there.

(For example, China has officially banned Christmas celebrations  for the last several years, but as we saw last week, commercials remain very “Christmas-sy” and Chinese fans happily said Merry Christmas to each other. It takes someone who lives inside to know where to draw the line — what is permitted by the state and what isn’t — when the line shifts and adjusts accordingly.)

Here’re my thoughts, as of today (2020/12/31): if the perpetrator is only some segment of the fandom and the purpose is merely to knock them off the popularity pedestal, outing isn’t a particularly effective way to do so. Homosexuality, being a highly regulated subject in Chinese news and social media, is likely to mean limit transmission of the accusations. The accuser also has to run to risk of being banned themselves first. Also, with BJYX + ZSWW + LSFY being the sizes they are, the people who will most consider turning against gg and dd, ie, the solo fans, have probably already heard something. Some will leave, but the news won’t be a bombshell to them.

The next possibility is if a legal case becomes possible, ie. if China suddenly outlaws homosexuality. This scenario may seem the most dire on the surface but is also one that I least worry about, because with China’s judiciary system being very biased to those in power, if someone wants to frame gg and dd, they do not need to use sexuality as the accusation and subject themselves to the same restrictions as mentioned above. Tax evasion, as @peekbackstage has mentioned with the actress Fan Bing Bing, is far easier, because it tends the turn the audience against the defendant: these stars are making so much money and yet they’re not contributing their share! And as long as the accusers have sufficient power — remembering that commercial and political power are married in the country — the accuser can make up any evidence to suit their needs for any crime.

The third possibility is what I see as the worst case scenario: that the government decides they don’t want their major stars / entertainment industry to be *perceived* as queer — whether the stars are officially out doesn’t matter — and signals the media and commercial companies to stop using any “suspect” star altogether. (Chinese term: 封殺). This is the case of career murder without blood —  laws aren’t changed; all the fans will hear are rumours confirmed by nobody. I see this as a possibility because of the Xi regime’s view of The Ideal Men , and my admittedly limited experience with dealing with older generations of Chinese, who I’ve found tend to confuse perceived femininity in men with queerness. I think, and this is only my opinion, that the sheer amount of adapted BL dramas in production (the so-called “dangai 耽改 101” phenomenon) and the heated discussions of them on Weibo will at some point trigger the government (which is made mostly of older generations Chinese). Even if gg and dd don’t do anything, should the government decide these adapted BL dramas, even after the elimination of their queer element, are “non mainstream socialist core values”, all the major people involved with the Untamed—arguably the classic and the drama whose success all these follow-ups are trying to imitate—can be cast as the culprit. If the same officials become aware of BJYX and if they’re somehow convinced that BJYXSZD, it can be easy be used as evidence of the bad influence these dramas can do—“they can turn people gay”—and it doesn’t help that according to reports, gg, at least, used to have a girlfriend.

Something more to consider: Gg and dd are also in a very special position now, in that not only are they immensely popular in China, no other native mainland Chinese stars have achieved this level of international fame with a native mainland Chinese production (ie, not a production from Hollywood, Hong Kong or Taiwan, or with a Kpop band). As such, they are likely subjected to high levels of scrutiny from the state. Depending on who’s in charge in the appropriate department, they may decide gg and dd have to be China’s image; they may have a set idea of what image it is and most likely, it won’t be queer. 2021 and the first quarter of 2022 are special times for China, image wise, both at home and abroad. 2021 is the 100th anniversary of the Chinese Communist Party, and gg and dd are both starring in its propaganda productions (dd as a police in BAH and gg as an army officer in AT). CCTV, the state-controlled TV station, is already promoting these shows. So, for 2021, gg and dd are slated to not only be the faces of Chinese entertainment, but also the image of Chinese uniformed forces. If gg and dd come out or are outed, their allowing themselves to be being perceived as queer while donning uniforms will most likely to be viewed by the current regime as an embarrassment; a career murder, then, is an apt response to such transgression. 2022 is the year of Beijing’s Winter Olympics, so again, it’s the time where image matters.

You may have noticed a pattern, as I have as I write this up: them being outed is something to worry about, but also ... nothing more than anything else. If someone wants to tear gg and dd down — and there will be, given their massive commercial power right now and the increasing evidence that they’re working more like collaborators than competitors (ie, they aren’t about to tear each other down any time soon) — they do not need their sexuality as a reason.

(And if these accusers really want to use homosexuality as a reason, the unofficial BTS is, IMO, more than enough, as long as the accusers have sufficient power.)

Your other question ~ can gg and dd’s fame, popularity, and ability to draw consumers protect them? My (slightly) educated guess of the answer, then, is that it’s very much a double-edged sword. Indeed, the one major thing that may be going for these adapted BL dramas, and for those who come to superstardom to it — with gg and dd being the prime examples — is the economic health of China, which, by some reports that can no way be verified, are far worse than what has been reported. This is the thing about countries lack transparency; without reliable news, there’s no way to get the facts. Reports on China outside the country tend to be either propaganda or demonising / filled with conspiracy theories, and the truth is probably somewhere in between. If the reports of poor economy are true, the commercial sector — which, again, is tied to those with political power; ie the money made in the former goes into the pockets of the latter — desperately needs stars like gg and dd to move products (based on those recent consumer reports!) and with that, it will want to keep gg and dd and these dramas that can potentially make more gg and dd around. This *seems* to be what’s happening so far, with the the state-run media happy to show gg and dd’s dramas (when it should know, at least, that they got to the height of their fame playing lovers-not-lovers) and gg and dd’s sponsors not-so-subtly wooing the BJYX segment of fandom, so I’m tentatively optimistic. However, the current regime has also shown a willingness to sacrifice the economy for the sake of political ideology, so it’s not something to be taken for granted. (What’s going on in Hong Kong is a good example of that.)

(I always think, eat each candy like it can be the last one. With this regime, it can be. We can wake up tomorrow and gg and dd have to break up BJYX to protect the fans.)

(I always think, treasure, treasure, treasure. Ask for more dy and lz and Weibo posts, but never anymore from gg and dd when it comes to insights of their relationship, even without considering it’s actually their private lives and they’re under no obligation to share.)

(They’ve shared with us far more than enough.)

There’s really no precedence for us to predict the future of an outed gg and dd from, as far as I know. Confirmed queer stars in Chinese entertainment (those with sufficient followers to make news) have all been from Hong Kong, Taiwan and other countries. The successful BL dramas before The Untamed — Addicted (2016) and The Guardian (2018) — didn’t have a real-person cp that truly took off. Addicted, a true BL drama (ie, it retained the queer elements), was banned before it finished its broadcast. The two actors were also banned from appearing together afterwards, and this “signal” from the government almost cost the two actors their career. Bai Yu from The Guardian, meanwhile, already had a girlfriend as he filmed, so there was never a Weibo supertopic dedicated to him and Zhu Yilong. gg and dd, along with their millions of turtles, are treading untrodden ground.

Something I should clarify ~ all the things I said above may sound very scary to international fans, but to those who live in the country, they understand it as the way things are, and they strategise and move accordingly. This is their way of life. What I wanted to say, in my first reblog, is that we who’re outside may not understand why they do things the way they do, why they don’t, for example, come out with all the candies they are spending so much effort to give out, but I do believe that gg and dd have a plan, not in the sense that they’re scheming or trying to trick anyone, but that they are moving things along at the pace necessary to meet the pre-requisites for the outcome they want. What this outcome is is anyone’s guess, mine being that they have the freedom to work together, not necessary in lover’s capacity — most of us are not required to perform our day jobs carrying our identity as so-and-so’s significant other and gg and dd shouldn’t be exceptions — but as colleagues, professionals and friends (lovers are friends). 

To some international fans, this may sound implausible, ridiculous: why do they need a multi year campaign for something as simple as this? As working together again? And I suppose, all these words I’ve typed so far is my attempt to answer this question, to ease the … unease, the frustration of those who may not understand. True to its marxist root, perhaps, many things that are considered mindless, effortless tasks elsewhere somehow become battles, grand struggles of sorts in China. That sea of sea lights on the night of Tencent awards, for example? It was the result of gg’s fans fighting, strategising in real time to smuggle those LED banners in when they realised the venue had forbidden their entry. They wrapped the banners around their bodies under their underwear because they were patted down by security at the underwear level; they hid batteries in their shoes. They ran batteries from one zone in the stadium to another during the whole show for whose who only managed to smuggle in banners or batteries. They fought the security guards inside the stadium, who continued to snatch away their banners even after seeing they were merely support material for the idols. They fought and fought, despite their identities were recorded by their COVID pass and facial recognition. Many confessed they had no idea what gg was singing during the show; they were too busy. They were there, some paying scalpers > 10x the ticket price, just because they promised the sea of red would be there for gg when he returned. When some realised dd’s banners were confiscated in high numbers because his fans happened to have seats right by the strictest security, they improvised, found an image of a green block to show on their cell phones to make makeshift green support lights for dd. They used Weibo to spread this trick to fellow fans. All these trouble, all these effort, all these planning and scheming and sweat and tears — all for one night, one concert and they laughed about it, called it a wonderful day.

(There are many ways for lives to be hard.)

The very first thing gg and dd need to accomplish, therefore, isn’t to announce what they do in the bedroom—the very first thing they need, for their plan to come to fruition, is to stay on top of the industry. How can they be on the same stage for the yearly Tencent Awards if either of them fails to make VIP? What’s their negotiation chip for a future collaboration, when the current norm is against cps like them working together again, if they cannot draw enough viewers and consumers, or if they offend Tencent and other media companies by refusing to see to the needs of the other side (for example, the need to promote new dramas)? So far, the two of them have accomplished this in flying colours. The other thing they need right now, the way I see it, is for their fans to get along. I think part of the reason they’ve made BJYXSZD so easy to believe in and love, in addition to their very human need to be seen when their careers may be safer otherwise (yes, I think they know what they’re doing, the candies they’re throwing), is because they want their fans to unite, as they have united. To make sure something like 227 cannot happen again, or at least, if it does happen again, their fans cannot be used as an excuse, as scapegoats. And this union is happening — slowly, but it’s happening. The size of BJYX (>2.8 million as of now, on Weibo supertopic) is a powerful indicator; I also had a wonderful time reading the comments of gg’s solo fans who went to purchase dd’s new song. This is the part gg and dd need their fan’s help. This is the one of the fews things we, as overseas fans who have limited access to their products, can help.

Your final question — sorry, this is getting so long again — about leaving. Of course, it’s always up to the government and It’s impossible to say what can happen so far ahead. But my perception, right now at least, is that gg and dd have no intention to leave, no intention to sacrifice their career for their personal lives and vice versa. After all, this is a pair who has answered those A vs B choice questions with a straight-faced “I want both” and “so annoying” without a follow-up reply. They’re right to want both. I like them for wanting both. And maybe, with their intelligence, charisma and hardwork and ambition and personalities that seem to clash but somehow complements each other’s, they will figure out a way. Maybe they are, as the Chinese turtles call them, the Chosen Pair, and they will be the ones who’ll change the perception fo queer artists in China, and we’ll one day get a biography about them and laugh at the candies we get right, laugh harder at those candies we get totally wrong.

(Dd ~ I want your honest opinion, in your own words, on the ones we get wrong.)

(Gg ~ videos of your expressions while reading the crazy theories the first time will be very much appreciated. By me.)

It’s a good day to look forward to.

[mrs-i-have-too-many-biases]

Stray Kids’ reaction to their S/O catching them stare

Scenario: You catch them stare.

Genre: Fluff/ Humour Pairing: Stray Kids members X Reader Word count: 2,3K Warnings: None. Author’s note: I was in highly need of some fluff and I think more STAYs are <3. Take care everyone! Priorities your mental health and your physical health of course and STAY safe!

Chan:

The two of you had entered a café, wanting to work together even though you both had a day off. You had to admit, the pair of you were workaholics, yet very supportive of one another and rather protective of each other’s health. Chan insisted on going on a date, but since there was a lot of work to do, you both brought your laptops along.

You had been sitting together in silence in a corner booth of the café, both concentrated on your own work as you sipped on your tea. Chan sighed after writing lyrics for a new song and stretched his tired body whilst looking at you. He smiled at himself when he saw your puffed cheeks and the small pout that were showing on your face.

He thereafter rested his and under his head for support as he unconsciously began to stare. He felt his chest warm up when he looked at you, the amount of love he felt towards you was almost overwhelming, but he wouldn’t mind drowning in it any day.

You were losing motivation and concentration to keep on working and decided to take a small break. Whilst taking your eyes off the screen in front of you, you could sense a pair of eyes watching you. When Chan shyly looked away from you and panicked to act cool, you knew you caught him staring. “What? Is my beauty that distracting?” You joked whilst wiggling your eyebrows. “Yes, very.” Chan mutters, causing your heart to flutter, leaning closer to him to press a kiss on his cheek, this time it was his heart that was fluttering.

Minho:

You had invited, well basically dragged your boyfriend to your auntie’s wedding. She was one of your favourite persons in the world, Minho of course being one of them. She had drunkenly dragged you later during the party onto the dancefloor, splitting your from your boyfriend. She had been dancing with you for a while as Minho was being bored by your other aunties who were almost having an interview with him as they bombarded him with questions.

‘What do you do for a living?’ ‘Do you earn much-‘ ‘Janice don’t ask that, don’t be rude… But do you?’

Minho was desperately looking through the crowd to find you and when he did, he felt the heavy feeling of bothersome fall off his shoulders when your smile caught his eyes. You were his instant happiness, a little happy virus that he needed in his life.

You didn’t notice your boyfriend staring at you as you continued to dance, but your still-wasted auntie did. She made eye contact and signed to Minho to take over the dancing. And before you knew it you felt a pair of hands around your waist, scaring you for a second until you heard Minho’s voice whisper in your ear.

“Enjoying yourself without me honey?” He pouted. “A little guess, you were as well watching me, but it’s always better when I’m with you.” You winked as you had turned around to dance with him, holding his hand before pulling him closer to your body. “Beautiful.” Minho muttered, making you blush as you playfully hit his chest and hiding your face in the crook of his neck. Leaving Minho bursting out in laughter.

Changbin:

Binnie had dragged you to the studio as he wanted to work on some projects a little longer. You had been home alone due to Covid and really wanted to get out of the apartment for a while. Seated on one of the leather chairs behind Bin you were munching on some chips he had quickly picked up from a convenience store across the road.

“Baby, can you listen to this for me? I don’t know how I feel about it.” Your boyfriend mutters before handing you the headphones that he was wearing before. Placing it over your head you listened to the beat that your talented boyfriend had composed.

Changbin in the meantime was waiting nervously for you to finish listening. He always thought that your opinion weighted heavily on his music. He wanted everything to be perfect and that you surely would love it, which you did either way.

He was caught up staring at you that he didn’t notice that you were already done and talking to him, giving positive feedback and telling him what you loved about the song already.

“Binnie?” “Y-yes! I was listening! Yes! Hi!” He stuttered, making you giggle. “You’re cute Dwaekki.” You teased, pinching his cheeks as they heated up after being caught. “Hush, you’re the cute one here baby.” He mutters, trying to hide his face in the palms of his hands shyly.

Hyunjin:

‘Let’s go on a date.’ He had suggested as it was your one-year anniversary.

You now were getting ready for the date, he had made reservations at your favourite restaurant and planned on taking Kkami with you. Whilst fixing your hair and applying a little makeup in your shared bedroom, you didn’t notice your boyfriend of one year entering the bedroom in the room next to you.

“Sweetie, do you know where my silk blouse is?” He had asked, peaking his head through the doorframe, expecting you to answer him. But silence filled the room instead as you didn’t hear him and he was stunned by your beauty.

Through the year he had been around with you, especially since the two of you decided quite early in your relationship to move in together, yet every time Hyunjin saw you getting ready, he was mesmerised.

To him you were an angle that was send from above and he couldn’t help but admire the beautiful creation he was blessed enough to call his. You caught his stares as you made eye contact with him through the mirror, causing the both of you burst out in giggles and only being able to make out gibberish in your flustered states.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered, kissing your hair whilst hugging you from behind. “Speak for yourself handsome.” You giggled before pressing your lips on his.

Jisung:

“Here’s your cheesecake!” You chirped, handing your boyfriend his plate as you sat down next to him. “You’re the best.” He cried out dramatically before pressing kisses all over your face, causing you to giggle. “I know, now shush and watch the movie Han.” You said, focussing your eyes on the screen in front of you after teasing Jisung, who couldn’t help but pout.

The movie wasn’t that thrilling to him and wandered his eyes off the screen rather often. They landed on you, who was fixated on Aladdin who was singing ‘A whole new world’ with Jasmine. The cheesecake that you held also made its way to your mouth every once in a while and Jisung smiled to himself as he watched you adopt yet another habit of his, which was stuffing his cheeks as he ate.

He had rested his head on the sofa that the two of you were sitting on as he continued to stare at you. He really had no choice. You were wearing his oversized hoodie and you looked more beautiful than ever to him. He never really liked extravagant dates with candlelight dinners every time he wanted to spend time with you. A big blanket, cuddles and some good snacks did the trick for him.

As Jisung was thinking about how much he loves you he didn’t notice that you had turned your head to him, wondering if he heard you after you cracked a joke. “Sungie?” No reaction. Causing you to giggle. “Earth to Sung?” You teased, waving your hand in front of his face, making him jump in his seat. “Take a picture baby, it lasts longer.” You snickered trying to hug him, as Jisung hid his face under the fluffy blanket.

Felix:

A visit to the dog café had become a weekly routine of yours and Lix.

He had pretty much become attached to the dogs, but since they couldn’t take care of them at the dorms due to work and other schedules, Lix made a promise to himself to visit them as much as possible.

And after he met you he had brought you along with him ever since. You really loved seeing him so excited to play with the dogs. It was almost like he had become a puppy himself. “I’m sorry have you seen my boyfriend, I can only spot these adorable puppies.” You had jokes once, making him burst out in heartily laughter. “Your loyal companion is here!” Lix would play along before skipping his way to you and surprising you with a tight embrace.

Today, you were seated, eyes fixated on the puppy in your lap, as Felix played with the others. His heart swelled at the sight of you babying the small creature on your lap, playing peek-a-boo with it. He felt a little jealous of the puppy as it was receiving more attention than he was from you, causing him to continue to stare at you.

Because he first of all really couldn’t take his eyes off the adorable scene, but also because he wanted to catch your attention. And when he did, he couldn’t help but feel shy and embarrassed when he saw you laugh at his flustered state. “Lix stop staring!” “Well! You’re giving that puppy more attention than to me! I’m your boyfriend!” He whined playfully. “Lix, have you seen these puppies, how could I possibly ignore them?” “I want to be like a puppy to you.” He teased, making you shake your head in disbelief of your ridiculously cute boyfriend.

Seungmin:

Your boyfriend, Seungmin, had a tight schedule today. And since you had a day off you decided to do something nice for him.

You cooked his favourite food, made sure that you had his favourite shows and movies ready to binge when he would come home from work. You brought him a small gift, knowing that he might be very exhausted and in need of something to cheer him up.

Seungmin in the meantime was longing to go home, filming the music video for their upcoming comeback was tiring and hard work, but to his surprise they finished earlier than he thought. The director was surprised as well at the scenes they shot perfectly at the first try, making the team feel proud of themselves and their hard work they always put into their craft.

Your boyfriend sighed in delight when he entered your apartment. He dropped his bag and took off his shoes as he called out your name. No responds. Instead, he heard music and singing come from the kitchen. He didn’t think too much of it, assuming that your playlist was playing.

But he was surprised to hear the notes coming from your mouth as you sung along perfectly, leaving your boyfriend stunned as he stared at you in awe. Sooner enough the two of you jumped in surprise as you let out a squeal, surprised to see your boyfriend stand there all of the sudden. “How long have you been there?” You asked in embarrassment as you hid your face in your hands. “Long enough to realise how much of a talented partner I have!” Seungmin chirped excitedly as he pressed kisses on your cheeks. “Staring isn’t nice you know.” “Hiding such talent also isn’t.” He teased, making your heart flutter once again, leaving him laughing.

Jeongin:

His hands were sweating and he was almost shaking in his chair as he peaked your way. The professor in front of the two of you was minding her own business as Jeongin’s mind drifted off.

He had been crushing on you ever since the two of you entered college together, which had been a year by now, yet Jeongin never had the courage to say anything other than ‘hi’ to you. Which was surprising since you were pretty much always seated right next to him.

He often wondered if you could hear his heart beat loudly for you, it felt like it could jump out of his chest any second. It was driving him mad, but not as much as the fact that he was just too much of a coward was still in the picture. Here you were as usual, looking beautiful as always. And he was still out her being a coward.

Something snapped in him when he realised that you wouldn’t be single forever. He stiffened and tried to find the courage to talk to you. He didn’t felt himself turn towards you and look at you directly. You didn’t notice at first, but out of the corner of your eye, you had to try your hardest to control the blush that wanted to rush to your cheeks as his eyes were fixated on your face.

You dared to turn to your long-time crush, making actual eye contact with him for maybe the third time in a whole year. “Are you okay?” You asked carefully in a whisper as you caught him staring. “P-please go out on a date with me!” He asked a little too loud as people shot their gazes towards the two, but Y/n didn’t care as her heart was racing as fast as his. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Gifs aren’t mine.

Hope you like it!

[writing-frenzy]

Seer!Airplane + Harem AU

Brain: Let’s give SQH a Harem :D

Me: SQH doesn’t know what to do with himself, he wouldn’t know what the fick to do with a harem :|

Brain: :D of course, the man doesn’t realize he even has one.

Me:... wut

Brain: And here is the totally new AU drabbled and noted out for how it happens~

....

So, my brain gave me this, so I hope to infect others with it as well.

Ever since Airplane (Shang Huan), was young, he’s always had strange dreams and an interesting ability with words and languages. Not to mention just how he always seemed to know certain things, simple really, like how he knew to bring an umbrella one sunny day that wouldn’t remain that way, to even what paths to take to avoid the bullies in his life. He’s grown this way, never noticed it was strange or unusual, and with parents more focused on tearing each other apart and ignoring any memories of when they were together, Airplane figures it’s just like the rest of his anxieties and worries, though at least the knowing can get him out of being beaten up or a perfect sale at the supermarket.

(The nightmares aren’t worth it; nameless amounts of people, that if he looks too hard at, he can know their entire backstories and futures no longer possible, cut short for blood and sport and greed.)

It is only one day, with desperation and hunger biting in his being, dreams stolen and ruined by others (And how was it, did he know this was still the best outcome? What could be worse- no, don’t ask that, it could always lead to ruin that question-) that Airplane, with only his little talent for script writing and his nightmares to aid him, starts to write, hoping for just enough money to get dinner eventually.

It... proves surprisingly popular. Just write what he dreams, maybe embellish here and there, take out that part, work around here, and just ignore that certain event and hey, this story is surprisingly coming together well. Are there a few plot holes? Sure, but considering the literal mass grave of answers for those holes, Airplane is content to leave them like that (pleasedon’tmakehimwritethatseeingitwasalreadyhorrifyinghedoesnotwanttoreliveit).  

Things are going good; all his hospital bills that his father’s insurance doesn’t cover have been paid, his rent money has already been turned in, and hey, he even has some extra cup noodles. How can life get any better? (thedreamscouldstop-)

And then the world turns strange; weird creatures have started to be discovered, strange flora has been unearthed, and natural disasters seem to not be so natural as once thought.

Not to mention just how people have changed as well; or if they were ever regular people at all. Some seem to turn feral, no mind to think with as they act like zombies all of a sudden, supernatural feats of strength suddenly coming about...

Strangers suddenly flying about on swords, letting loose great shows of light...

Airplane ignores it; it’s all he can do. (Thereisnothingtobedonebutwait.) He codes for his story, makes some noodles to enjoy as he reads some comments, and naturally dies. (right on time)

Airplane is admittedly taken off guard when he actually wakes up, back in his crappy little apartment, terrible bruising all up his arms (therearesomanypathssolittletime), when he looks around and sees the change in the world.

And he knows; his stories are no longer mere words and nightmares anymore, but now combined with his waking world, now and forever.

- Read under for more notes and such on this world~

So, basically, Airplane/Shang Huan has been dreaming of the world where his stories takes place, the PIDW world, and using it to make money because he is a desperate little gremlin. (Now, with his powers, he can see multiple paths, and all, but he doesn’t see everything, especially if he himself changes fate, making the paths shrink and become a little more hazy.) 

So one day, his world and PIDW world merge, causing countless calamities and disasters, even as the world heals and blossoms under it all. See, what happens is that when Bing-ge’s Harem finally turned on him and all (I don’t know if this is canon or fanon but it fits), Bing-ge in turn used the Wrath of the Heavens, which is not something even the craziest of Heavenly Demons would do if that says anything, which wreck a whole bunch of shit and mashed a few planes of existence together.

A lot of people died because of this... and yet, a lot of peeps were brought back because of this as well. Airplane did in fact die because of being electrocuted, but because of that, the energy left from the WOH merged with it, ending up kickstarting and powering him up instead of killing him outright.

And it is a very good thing SQH got that power up; he is going to have so many nightmares about it, but being able to manipulate, control, and use electricity and lightening are what ensure him survival for a good month before his city is made livable again. (He would do worse to survive, has done worse, what is a little electrical trauma in the name of his life?)

And look, even his intuition and foresight seemed to have greatly improved! Yay? (Nay so many n i g h t m a r e s)

He’ll be fine, he can walk it off. But as it is, Airplane starts to be rather... lucky with some of his finds.

-

Ironically, it starts with a man dressed in pale blues, eye tired and ever so dead, blood covering his fancy fantasy robes, a familiar crest/symbol (To Airplane) stitched over where the heart would be. A Traitor abused and used up, nothing left but rock bottom and yet still willing to dig if it meant living. (Oh, how that rings familar~)

Airplane has seen the past of Shang Family’ Honorable Third Son Shang Shaoqing and the future of the backstabing An Ding Peak Lord Shang Qinghua. Airplane knows that this is a desperate man who has done all he could to survive, with the mind like so many steel traps and mazes to dig around in...

Airplane saves them, avoiding a slow death the man would have had, earning him gratitude and suspicion all at once. The Writer doesn’t care, he just knows that having this guy on his side is just a logical choice; the man not only has more insider knowledge then anyone else in the world, but even knows how to use it.

On Shang Qinghua’s side.

With all the karmatic debt I have, I can not avoid this Life Debt... but once I pay my debt, I am gonna blow this popsicle stand.

Huh, this guy is actually kinda useful, maybe I should stick around

OH FUCK WHY DOES HE HAVE HEAVENLY TRIBULATION LIGHTNING?! HE NEEDS TO START CULTIVATING STAT

WHY IS THIS MAN SUCH A DISASTER?!?! NOW I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T GET HURT.

*Airplane tenderly taking care of his injuries, nervous smile on his face even as it is so soft* “You didn’t have to take that attack but... thank you for having my back” SdndejnejdbbhjD no, you have no right looking so cute, fuck why is this happening?! 

.... This man is a fucking Seer... Actual, full blown, Doomsayer Seer, Not the Succubus Soothsayers who can just see little things, no, actual, can literally effect the fabric of Fate and Destiny Seer.... Fuck his life, he probably owes this guy even more now...

*Shang Qinghua snarks in response, only to get equally snarked in reply* .... I won’t say I’m in love...

Fuck, if anything happens to his disaster of a Seer he will go on a massacre and then probably become a demonic cultivator to revive him...

 So yeah, over the course of maybe a few months, Shang Qinghua has regretsTM and Airplane gets an actually loyal bodyguard... Meanwhile~

Airplane: -Sigh- As nice as it is to have Shang Qinghua around, it won’t last forever; once the man pays back his debt, he just leave (like everyone else).

And then time for drama! The two get separated by unsteady space rips, Airplane having enough time to yell out a safe place for them to meet again before they end up on opposite sides to each other. So now, not only does Airplane have to work on surviving, but on the (hopeful) reunion between the two.

Cue Airplane’s next ‘Lucky Find’

- 

Airplane hears the sound of sword and spell before he ever actually sees anything. Looking over the top of his nice ledge, safe enough from from any ‘friendly fire’, the young man feels his eyes widen when he sees who is fighting.

A beautiful, tall man in cream and tan colored robes, the ashen brunet directing their sword around them, using their other hand to throw out talismans when too crowded. And oh, how the mob surrounds this tired, too kind man, so weary for lost, all his grief stricken love no where to go in the lost of his family. (Oh, how jealous one can be, that someone got that love, no matter how fleeting it was in the end)

Airplane taking in Mu Qingfang, a healer forced to be a killer, a man with so much heartbreak in his soul, even as he determinedly live on, that shattered heart still wanting to help as much as it could. The Seer takes on how the other will die here, nothing left at all of such a heart, and in the end, Airplane helps, letting loose lightning upon the mob as he does.

Just makes sense, to have a Healer with you if you can.

On Mu Qingfang’s side:

This man is terrifying, how does he have tribulation lightning at his command??? but he did save me there, it’s only right I accompany him until I can pay it off (not like I have other things to do)

I am very, very grateful you saved me, but can you for all that is health PLEASE REST?!

Oh to the gods, how is a disaster like you alive? No, don’t eat that!

*Airplane, a tired smile on his face as he shows off some potent healing herbs he found* “I managed to find them, a little tricky but I was wondering if you can make use of them, maybe? I remember you saying you were running low and all.” .... damn his heart for being weak to sincere care and actually thoughtful gifts.

*after a terrifying nightmare, Airplane nearly bleeding from his screams, eyes so haunted and terrified even as he clings onto Mu Qingfang* “Please, I-I I just don’t want to be alone right now... please.” bjhbdjd shit, how can he say no, letting the other cling to them as they finally fall asleep. (Do not think about how cute the other is, cuddled up against him)

...A Seer... a fully realized, Fate altering, Destiny denying Seer... Gods, that explains so damn much... Maybe he can make him a Dreamless Night tea? would at least help with headaches if nothing else.

And so, over the time they have together, Airplane has unknowingly received the care and affection of one powerful as heck healer, who can and will be willing to cut a bitch if it means they have to.

But on Airplane: *le sigh* ah, once they feel like I’m well enough, they’re probably go back to trying to find their Martial Brothers and Sisters.... I’ll at least help them as much as I can...

Now, they don’t get separated: which is good, considering this next er... ‘Lucky’ Find.

-

They feel the temperature drop before they ever actually see the cause. Warily, the two men look to each other, but with no other way around it, move forward through the incredibly icy landscape.

It does not take them long to find the cause of it.

It is a Demon, Skin pale with a ghostly blue tint to their skin, beautiful snow white antlers branching out from their hand, ice collecting on the ends to make them even more deadly beautiful then before. And yet, for all that deadly beauty, are those ice like eyes, backdropped in the night sky look ever so tired, so betrayed (like always)

Mo Bolin, formerly Mobei-Jun is not one who has nothing left, but his willpower is draining, trapped as he is between the cursed artifact before him, no hope to escape it unless someone is willing to help.

Airplane sees this demon, this man who he greatly admired and aspired to be like, able to stand on their own and keep standing no matter what, no matter what the world came at them with, no matter the misery that had twisted a previously loving and warm child into the hardened, determined Warrior before him.

Letting his Lightning destroy the Artifact, the world weary youth takes the demon’s face in his hands, letting those icy night eyes look into his lightning bright ones, Mu Qingfang quiet but his sword at the ready behind him.

It will not be needed, as his Seer powers go to work.

“You find so much betrayal, just seemingly never able to escape it.

You soul has had so much darkness and hurt just let sit.

You Fate is said to be a cruel one for a cruel being,

Hurt, fear, blood, Ice, and broken bonds and dreams are all I am seeing,

I do Not agree.

So, From this wicked Fate I will set you free.” and as those eyes stare into each other, Mo Bolin can’t stop how he gasps, hand going to his heart, feeling lighter then he has in years.

Meanwhile, Airplane faints, having healed a better Fate for the former Mobei-Jun draining him good.

On Mobei-Jun’s Part

 sdhkhbfwkkjdejdehjdehj Why? Just Why? What’s the reason the Seer did that?

Well, considering what he did, Mobei/Mo Bolin will have to find a way to pay the other back.

...Why is this Seer so Cute? He wants to pet it. (note: hitting will make the Healer stab him)

*Airplane, tired out from a long day having to fight through a bit battle, smiling in thanks, help Mu Qingfang with patching everyone up* “You know, I really admire you; your strength and determination to always do your best, no matter how many people try to tear you down... I wish I could be like that.” wait what, no, you’re perfect like you are, you little gremlin seer. (Mu Qingfang agrees.)

*Airplane, suffering from a Fever, which means he has to cuddle with a certain Ice Demon to cool down* “Ah, sorry for troubling you like this, my ideal man, but you are so cool... *snuggles* .... Damnit.

Like, Mobei-Jun/Mo Bolin knows Airplane can kick some ass already, but by the ancestors does he love seeing this little disaster of a man just wreck everyone around him.

So yeah, add one very smitten Demon Lord to the roster~ :D Oh, the loyalty was hard earned, and there is no way Mobei-Jun will be willing to part, even as he has to share with a Healer and whoever this Shang-Er they will be seeing soon.

For Airplane: ah, so cool to see my Ideal Man, but of course there is no way he’ll stay by my side forever, what with all the things he probably needs to do.

 and this is all I got for the Harem on my side: now for the dynamics with each other:

Mobei-Jun and Mu Qingfang:  the demon respects the healer greatly, and since they are both quiet peeps they don’t have much conflict. as for the Healer, after his sect got destroyed, he’s had to do a lot of things to make sure him and his surviving disciples lived, so he’s not too against demons, and Mobei-Jun is very useful in fighting, so for now they cool.

Both when they see Shang Qinghua; ... D:<

On Mobei-Jun’s side: his little traitorous spy just had to be back and be that Shang-Er close to Airplane. He does not like this, wants to smack the other around, but that would upset Airplane So he just glares. Shang Qinghua is not happy with this arrangement either, fully prepared to curse the other out and everything, but not going to stir the pot up more then he has to.

On Mu Qingfang: .... his backstabing martial brother is alive, but the thing is that Mu Qingfang and his disciples wouldn’t have lived if it wasn’t for the other; Shang Qinghua had saved them, transporting them away from the bloodshed that was about to happen. On Shang Qinghua’s part, the Healer was the only Peak Lord to give him any damn respect and care, so he of course gave him an out along with his own peak disciples; he pays back debts. 

(This is ironically the reason he got killed by Mobei-Jun, because he saved those disciples)

So, there is much drama for a while, the three having big shouting matches and discourse, but these guys will turn into Enemies to Frenemies to Salt Lords and then to the Airplane Protection squad... because when these three get together and agree on something, well, you just combined the only competent people from PIDW together~ 

And they all love Airplane :D

Thank you all for reading the insanity of this, I enjoyed writing it out~

[animemental]

FMA Forever

Why Edward Elric changed my view on anime for mental health. 

Also, please share this post if you or anyone else finds it interesting, informative, helpful in any way. I love to write and other than a few books I have going on through Wattpad and drafts, this is a good way for me to get out some thoughts and connect to others!

Anyways, onwards to the good stuff!

Photo from: Fullmetal Alchemist Fandom -Wiki

So, here we are, four or five posts deep into the crevices of my brain. I have a new idea for formatting these posts so bare with me. Please. It will be my interpretation of an anime with some actual facts thrown in; thoughts on the series as a whole; answering the question/statement from subtitle or previous pose. 

Background of Anime:

Fullmetal Alchemist is a manga by Hiromu Arakawa, serialized in 2001-2010. It tells of two young brothers living in a steampunk world of alchemy in a fictional country called Amestris . They commit taboo, pay the ultimate price and set off to fix everything. Edward is the oldest and Alphonse is the younger brother. Their father is a lot to deal with and their mother is... well, I don’t want to spoil it for those who have not seen the series. Though trial and tribulation, these bros fight tooth and nail for what they believe in and meet fantastic characters along the way. Ultimate goal: Figure out how to reverse their punishment. 

Series As I View It:

When it comes to overall mental health, I would say that FMA was not the most helpful in regulating emotional stability. This series had me up and down, riding a rollercoaster of emotions. I came to the FMA a bit later than others, getting the chance to binge the whole thing versus waiting each week for a snippet of the story. From the get go, I was horrified and downright pissed at fate. These boys are just trying to do the right thing out of desperation and life did them dirty. Thankfully, my life at the time was pretty calm, so I didn’t have to add anything into the mix other than watching a good plot and intriguing characters. The idea of alchemy is so wonderful; having the ability to change matter into other matter. In the Elrics case, their world took it a step further and includes automail; metal limbs. This made Edward and Al’s struggle even more sad. But then you get swept away by the detailed fight scenes and you are screaming for them to kick ass with those metal limbs. Overall, the series was equal parts entertaining and frustrating. You want the underdogs to win, but the author made sure that reality catches up to the viewer pretty quickly. They cannot win every fight, save everyone person in distress or always make it in time. Just watch episode 7: Night of the Chimera’s Cry and you will truly know pain and heart ache. 

To Answer the Question:

Why did Edward change my view on mental health?

Guys and gals, this kid is thrown every shitty thing possible and still manages to live his life. The dude has trauma galore and his soul mission for many episodes is fueled with regret, anguish, guilt, self-blame. I thought he was going to break in episode 7. He did struggle with the idea of not saving everyone and the unfairness of life, but fate did not give him a moment to breath. Reminds of the the webtoon Random Chat. LET OUR BOY HAVE A MOMENT TO JUST CHILL AND GO ON A DATE WITH HA-MIN, PLEASE. 

So, when I think mental health, I picture a functioning brain. It may have some troubles and need a moment to process life events, but overall is healthy and content. The person can cope with life stressors and feels okay with life majority of the time thanks to self-care, coping skills and other resources. Edward Elric was given the fewest resources but continued to push through to his ultimate goal. His problem-solving skills grow with each situation and he learns to depend on Alphonse as a brother and partner in fights more and more. He is creating his own coping skills and strategies to deal with immense stress. He doesn’t get the option of a therapist, a coping skills app, friends. He and his brother have to figure it out on their own 99% of the time and hope they live to the next day. It gives a lot of inspiration when you feel like nothing is going right and you will never feel better.  

Having a mental health disorder/illness sucks. Plain and simple, none of them are fun to experience and no one wished to feel that way. However, I believe that everyone has some spark in them that can help change some of the maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. It may be buried way deep down, but it is there. Edward discovers his many episodes into the series. 

In the next post, here are some questions to answer:

1. Is there any other instances or aspects of the anime that you want to point out?

2. What is the beef with episode 7?

3. Tell me more about how Ed discovers his inner spark.

Okay, folks! This concludes Part 1 of my FMA rant. I think this may be a three part series. I could go on and on about FMA but I do have A LOT of series to get through. 

[morningfears]

Nontraditional Graduation

Rating: PG

Summary: Calum feels bad that you have to miss graduation so he takes it upon himself to give you the best nontraditional graduation he can. || ((The class of 2020′s graduation isn’t exactly looking like the traditional graduation and as a member of that class, I was a little upset about it. So, here’s my take on a comfort fic.))

Word Count: 2.8k

Quarantine was, for lack of a better word, strange.

There were parts of it, namely spending your days with Calum and Duke in some sort of domestic fantasy, making up for lost time, that were almost nice. Not having to leave your home and go out into the world was almost nice, too. Under any other circumstances, you would’ve relished in these things. However, life felt a bit surreal and reality weighed heavily on your shoulders.

The street you lived on was never busy but as neighbors hunkered down and waited, the street (and city itself) was quiet. You saw the occasional neighbor out for a walk, never straying too far from their own home, and the mail carrier making their rounds but the streets felt eerily quiet. Life, understandably, felt like a movie that was placed on pause in March and forgotten about. 

Time had always felt like a stable concept, something dependable and easy to count on, but it no longer felt that way as days passed with seemingly no rhyme or reason. Four in the morning felt no different than four in the afternoon, Monday no different than Friday. If it weren’t for Calum’s weekly video chats with the boys - on Thursdays, of course, as Thursdays were for the boys -, you were afraid that you wouldn’t even know what day it was.

Before quarantine began, you’d been good about keeping your schedule written in a planner. Your work schedule was always there, right beside your class schedule, and your assignment due dates were even color-coded. It was helpful, a way to keep your hectic life in some sort of balance, and you’d managed to keep up with it for the first few weeks of quarantine. However, all of your organization flew out the window as the fatigue and discomfort of the situation really began to set in.

March and April had come and gone without so much as an indication of their passing and May’s arrival hit you much harder than you imagined it would.

Thankfully, your final semester of college was a light one. You’d planned it that way from the beginning, thanks to your advisor, and had ensured yourself a light course load that was supposed to leave you with time to job hunt and hang out with friends before everyone inevitably went their separate ways. You were grateful to your past self for that decision as you’d only had a few short Zoom meetings and a handful of easy assignments to submit in the month and a half between spring break and graduation.

If you were honest with yourself, graduation was something that you’d been looking forward to since August. It was a major achievement and you were excited to walk across the platform and gather the degree you’d busted your ass to earn. You and your friends had taken cliche photos in front of campus landmarks with a silly sign that read ‘Last First Day’ before classes began and had planned to make one that read ‘Now what?’ for after the ceremony. Your more artistic friends agreed to help decorate graduation caps, something you’d been looking forward to, and you’d even planned a Disney trip for the weekend before so that you could take photos in your cap and gown.

To make things even better, Calum had been able to book a later flight than the others so that he could stay in LA long enough for your graduation before heading out on tour with you by his side.

On paper, your plans were picture perfect. Everything felt like it was falling into place, like it was meant to be, and you were beyond excited. You were ready for something, anything, to celebrate the hard work you’d put in over the years - the late nights holed up in the library, studying and writing; the breakdowns over grades; the stress from trying your best to earn a degree.

But the universe had other plans.

You’d been the realistic one of your friends, cancelling plans and coming to terms with the fact that you most likely wouldn’t get a graduation the moment stay-at-home orders were announced, and spent the majority of your time trying to stay positive. There was nothing you could do to change what was happening and you knew that the cancellations were happening for the best.

Everyone was safer at home.

However, the positivity came at a price. Every time a negative emotion began to bubble, you swallowed it. Whenever you felt sad that you would no longer have late night dinners with friends after a rough class, whenever you felt disappointed that you had to cancel a road trip or a Disney trip, whenever you felt hurt that you wouldn’t get a graduation ceremony despite the hard work you put in to earn your degree, you bit them all back and reminded yourself that things could be worse.

You didn’t allow yourself to feel the emotions that were festering beneath the surface because they made you feel guilty. Feeling anything other than grateful for your health and comfort in the fact that you knew this situation wouldn’t make you or break you lodged an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach so you avoided those thoughts altogether.

However, as desperately as you avoided the negative thoughts for yourself, you were quick to comfort your loved ones and encourage them to experience their emotions fully. Calum, especially.

You knew that he was heartbroken - as were the others - that their plans for the album had had to change so drastically, so quickly. They’d all been so excited, so ready to release the album they’d put so much of themselves into, and things came to a grinding halt. You knew that they were devastated that the release of such a personal album had to be under such conditions. They couldn’t celebrate with the fans and, even worse, they couldn’t celebrate with one another.

Calum never complained but he did acknowledge his feelings. He talked openly, to you, about how disappointed he was that things were going the way they were even though he understood it all. He got it off his chest and moved on. You understood, he’d worked hard and deserved to have the album release they’d all been planning for. You told him as much in the days immediately surrounding the release, words of comfort leaving your lips as you ran your fingers through the blonde curls you were praying he kept.

And that was why he was completely and utterly baffled when he learned that you didn’t feel you deserved the same.

You’d never outright told him that you were upset about having to cancel your travel or that graduation was cancelled - in fact, you’d joked that you were glad because it meant you didn’t have to deal with crowds or packing - but he could tell just how much it was hurting you. You avoided bringing up those topics yourself and when you only offered enough words to move past them in a conversation, he learned to leave them alone. He could tell that you felt guilty for feeling sad and it broke his heart.

You’d worked so hard for graduation, for the things that were coming after, and to see you trying to pretend that it didn’t matter that they were cancelled worried him.

You were upset, more so than he realized, and he wanted to do something to make your nontraditional graduation a little easier on you. You’d been so kind and understanding when he was upset over the album release, when your friends were upset over their own cancelled plans, and to him, graduating college was an astounding accomplishment that deserved a celebration.

So, with the help of friends, he set out to make it a day that you would never forget.

Distracting you in order to set up for the impromptu graduation ceremony and party he was planning was much easier than he’d imagined it would be. You forgot that it was even supposed to be your graduation day - to be fair, you’d forgotten what day it was generally - until the calls from your family started rolling in.

You spent your morning on the phone, thanking relatives for their well wishes, but as everyone lamented the loss of a traditional ceremony on your behalf, he could tell that even though they meant well, the calls weren’t exactly helpful.

He knew that you didn’t want to talk about it, not yet,  and that you wanted to be alone so he encouraged you to go for a walk with Duke around the neighborhood. He sent you off with a kiss and he was glad to see that you felt better when you returned thirty minutes later. Your shoulders were lifted and your eyes were lighter as you watched Duke settle onto the couch for a nap after his adventure but your movements were still sluggish as you wandered around the house in search of something - anything - to entertain you.

In an effort to keep you out of the backyard for just a little longer, he guided you to the couch and encouraged you to take a nap with Duke, to cuddle up and watch television - binge something now that you were officially done with school and had time to properly enjoy it without the guilt of putting off schoolwork. It was easy, getting you to settle in, and he felt his heart break slightly as he watched you fight tears.

He took a little over an hour to finish decorating the backyard, each piece of his elaborate plan falling into place finally, before he returned to the living room. The first thing that Calum saw was you, curled up on the couch beneath a heavy blanket a friend had given you for Christmas, with Duke lying on your stomach and tears in your eyes as you watched a scene that would have pulled a few tears from you, already sad or not.

He bit back a laugh, both at your emotional investment in the show and at Duke’s annoyed huff as you made a noise at the scene, before he crossed the living room and kneeled down beside the couch. He waited a second, just until the credits began to roll, before pausing the television and nudging your shoulder.

“You okay, love?”

His words were soft, quiet in the still air of the living room, and he knew that the answer was no but, as expected, you nodded. “I’ve never seen this episode. All the good characters are leaving the show,” you answered, a pout on your lips as you shifted to glance at him.

He smiled, a barely there quirk of his lips, and shook his head before he stood from beside the couch and offered you his hand. “Come on, let’s get some fresh air. Give you time to process those feelings before you start another episode,” he teased, a grin on his lips as he watched you lift Duke and place him back onto the blanket as soon as you were out from under it.

“I don’t want to keep watching but I’m too invested in the story to stop now,” you mumbled, your voice muffled as you wrapped your arm around Calum’s and leaned into his side.

“You want me to hate watch it with you? I’ve been told my commentary’s excellent.”

“Your commentary is excellent, when it’s directed at the boys and not my television shows. Only I’m allowed to make fun of how bad it is. Deep down, I still love it,” you defended, a laugh leaving your lips as you followed Calum out into the backyard. He stopped, right by the door, and it took you a moment longer than it should have to notice. But when you finally lifted your head, confused as to why he’d paused before you made it to the swing, you were awed by what you saw.

The backyard had been transformed. Calum’s laptop sat on the table near the swing, a Zoom call open with the boys and family - both yours and his -, and beside it sat a box from your favorite bakery. There were balloons and string lights and shiny black and gold confetti littering the area and it brought tears to your eyes as you took in the amount of work Calum had done to give you some kind of celebration.

“It’s not the same, I know,” he began, gently tugging you closer to the setup, “but you deserve a celebration. You worked hard for your degree and I’m sorry you don’t get a traditional ceremony but we’re all really proud of you. Is this okay?”

It was hard to answer his question with the tears threatening to spill so you nodded and threw your arms around his neck in a tight hug. “Thank you,” you whispered, your voice low as you tried to fight your emotions, and Calum nodded his acknowledgement as he gave you a smile.

Although it wasn’t the traditional ceremony, far from it, the graduation that you got was one that you knew you’d never forget. Your families didn’t stay long, only long enough to watch Calum hand you a rolled up piece of paper with a wide grin and for you to toss your cap into the air after turning your tassel, but the boys and their respective girls - and Mali - stuck around after to celebrate.

“We’re all really proud of you,” Ashton commented, a smile on his lips as he watched the others nod their agreement. “You’ve worked really hard and this isn’t the party we wanted to throw you but it’ll have to do for now. It was really inspiring to watch you put your all into getting your degree and all of your hard work has paid off.  I’m excited to see what you do next because I know it’s going to be amazing. Congratulations!”

“When we’re allowed to see each other again, we’ll do something fun,” Michael agreed, “but for now, just know that we knew you’d get your degree and put us dropouts to shame.” Michael’s comment was teasing, he had a grin on his lips as he raised his drink in a toast, and Calum muttered a faux-offended ‘hey!’ by your side. “Seriously, we’re really proud of you and happy for you. Congratulations!”

“I don’t know what I can say that they haven’t already said,” Luke laughed, “but it’s worth repeating that this is an accomplishment and we’re really proud of you. You did it! You graduated college! I’m not going to ask what your plans are now because no one has any plans right now but I know that whatever you do next, you’ll do it just as well. Congratulations!”

You leaned into Calum’s side, a wide smile on your lips, as you watched them all toast to your graduation. It was surreal, celebrating such an event via video call, but you were grateful for your friends as they all shared stories and jokes with the goal of making you laugh in mind. You spent nearly two hours chatting with them, your mood lifting significantly, before it came time to end the call.

When the last person was gone, Calum turned to you and offered a sincere smile. “I hope that made missing graduation at least a little easier. I know it was hard on you but you achieved something amazing and I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you,” you repeated, your heart light for the first time in weeks. “I was really upset about having to miss the ceremony but I think this more than makes up for it. Except I’ll be really glad to get my actual diploma, not a-“ you paused, taking a quick glance at the paper Calum had used, “oh my god, Cal! Not an instruction booklet that came with your awful wifi router.”

“Hey, it was the only paper I could find,” he defended, laughing just as hard as you as he realized what he’d handed you in lieu of your diploma. “But I’m glad this was a suitable stand-in. Michael was joking but it really is impressive. I dropped out of high school and here you are, getting your degree. You never let anything get in the way of achieving your goal and I’m really proud of you for working so hard.”

“I love you, you know that?”

“I do,” Calum nodded, a soft smile on his lips as you leaned in closer to him, “and I love you, too. Congratulations, love.”

In the end, you never could’ve predicted your graduation would end up turning out this way but the love and support from your friends and family, and from Calum, made your nontraditional graduation one that you would never forget.

___________________________________________________

Author’s Note: Yesterday should’ve been my graduation day. I technically did receive my MA but there was no ceremony. Even though I’ve already experienced one college graduation, having to miss this one hit me really hard and I spent yesterday in a bit of a funk. But, as I said, I’ve already had one college graduation so I consider myself lucky. To the class of 2020 experiencing their first graduation, I’m really sorry things didn’t turn out the way you were expecting. Just know that everyone is incredibly proud of you and it’s okay to be sad that you didn’t get a ceremony. I hope this is at least a little comforting. This isn’t the best but my mental health has been on the decline, as has my writing. I, of course, don’t mean to make light of the situation. I understand why graduations were cancelled,  I really do. But I still felt a loss and know that I’m not alone. So, to the class of 2020, congratulations and good luck on your future endeavors. I believe in you!

Tag List (like this post or message me if you want to be added!) : @toolazymyguy , @irwinkitten , @jamieebabiee , @glittersluke , @spicycal , @lusbaby , @everyscarisahealingplace, @brokenvirtualheartcollector , @if-it-rains-it-pours, @blisshemmings , @calumscalm , @lovemenowseemenever , @ijustreallylovezebras , @rhiannonmichelle, @p0laroidpictures , @tomscuddles , @loverofmineluke , @harrytreatspeoplewithkindnesss , @blueviiolence , @loveroflrh , @empathycth , @luckyduckydoo , @tobefalling , @bandsandbooksaremykink , @watch-how-she-burns , @megz1985, @wokeupinaustralia , @lucidlrh , @canterburyfiction , @cal-is-not-on-branding , @t-i-n-y-d-i-n-o , @jaacknaano , @findingliam-o , @mindkaleidoscope​ , @idk-who-i-am-anymore1 , @sammyrenae68 , @flowerthug , @calumsphile , @caitdaniels, @drummerboy794 , @writingfortoomanyfandoms , @x-lover-of-mine-x , @miliefayy , @sunaaii , @canterburyfiction , @sebrox40 , @nati-nn , @opheliaaurora23 , @bitterbethany , @sunnysidesblog​ , @333-xx​ , @thesubtweeter​

[drlauralwalsh]

You and Your Grieving Parts

Do you ever think about your...parts?  No, not those parts, you mischievous little spark plug!  I mean inside your mind - the parts that get weird ideas, warn against danger, are mean to you, and tell you to engage in late-night food rituals.  That last part might just be me.  Seriously though, I’ve been doing some research into the parts of my mind. The idea that our minds have “parts” is not a new idea. Like right now, a part of me wants to keep writing to you and another part just wants to nap. Oh the drama inside! There is one theory that explains this and it has intrigued me since grad school: Internal Family Systems.

INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS (IFS) THEORY

The IFS theory believes that the mind is made up of a number of sub-personalities or parts, each with their own set of beliefs, opinions, and responses, and that interact with each other.  At the core is the Self, which has the ability to lead the parts but isn’t always up to the task.  No single part is bad but like an orchestra, the parts can be in harmony or honk cacophonously like a flock of agitated geese.

Along with the core Self, IFS sorts the other parts into categories by function: Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles.  Managers and Firefighters protect you from feeling the pain of the Exile parts.  They have the same goals but use different strategies.  Managers constrict and hold you back while Firefighters automatically react and let it rip.

MANAGERS

Manager parts proactively run the day to day operations of the system and are considered the most “acceptable” parts because they say very adult things and sound most like the core Self.  They maintain balance within you through control.  Managers parts are perfectionist, judgmental, self critical or people pleasing.  They want to prevent humiliation and abandonment by keeping you busy, criticizing what you do, worrying, sabotaging connections, and generally being a control freak.  They strongly believe in self sufficiency and are generally relentless, exacting, chastising and sometimes, anxious and depressed.  They’re really good at giving you a false sense of security by telling you it’s doing it so you’ll look good to others.  A typical Manager thought is, “You really should stop bothering people with your sob story.”

FIREFIGHTERS

Firefighters are your first responders.  They automatically fly out the door to rescue you when something hits too close to home.  They extinguish the fire of pain by smothering or creating a diversion.  They attack “enemies” and get defensive in an effort to control or suffocate emotions.  These are the parts that have anger issues, spending too much money, drink too much or use drugs, get obsessive or suicidal, self harm, or dissociate.  They like to eat too much. binge watch TV and endlessly play video games for hours.  They don’t give a crap about the goody-goody manager parts.  Those weenies don’t know what it’s like to charge heroically into danger.  Firefighters are really good at distracting you from upsetting, painful or overwhelming feelings.  A typical Firefighter part thinks it’s better to rage than to show vulnerability - even in the privacy of your own head.

EXILES

As a psychologist, I get to see other people’s Exile parts more than the average person.  I’ve developed such a knack for it that the Managers and Firefighters appear almost transparent.  When I’m interacting with someone who’s leading with one of those parts, I can see through to the Exile it’s protecting.  Just wish I could more reliably turn that super power on myself!  Exiles are the younger parts that hold pain from the past.  You compartmentalize and isolate them from the rest of the system for their safety and stability in the system.  Because of their vulnerability, they also seem kind of dangerous.  They’re the parts of you that are scared of being abandoned, get intimidated, experienced trauma, and feel a lot of shame.  This is where the Big Four live - not good enough, too much, if you really knew me, and everyone leaves.

Exiles are desperate to tell their story but Managers pessimistically believe your pain is a burden to others. Firefighters flat out refuse to put you in danger of being hurt again.  If a sad, little kid part of you revealed a disgusting longing for an authority figure’s approval during a job interview, a Firefighter part might change the subject while a Manager sabotages the rest of the meeting.  Neo-exiles are the parts we hide within close relationships.  Imagine a romantic partner or friend that gives you attention when you’re doing something nice but ignores your bids for reassurance.  You’ll shut down the needy part of you to maintain the relationship. The message from that person you tell yourself is that only your good parts are acceptable.  

THE CORE SELF

So far, we’ve been describing the orchestra - or if you’d prefer, the various departments of your business or the governmental branches of your personal nation.  Let’s switch to the head of it all - the conductor, the CEO, the President, YOU.  In the center of all of this is your core Self.  It’s a beautiful place to be.  It doesn’t need work because it’s already perfect.  It spontaneously emerges when the air is clear and all is safe.  It is the natural essence of who you are and is sheltered from damage or destruction by function of your parts.  

You know you’re in your grounded center when you feel authentically chill.  Some theories describe the Self by the 8 C’s:

Confident

Courageous

Creative

Clarity

Compassion

Calm

Curious

Connected

I know I’m in that place when nothing said or done can move me off my square.  For instance, I am confident about my intelligence.  If some bozo tried to lecture me about how I’m really a dummy, I might get a little irritated but he’s not going to shake my confidence.  Now if the same bozo flicked some booger comment about something more vulnerable, that might temporarily knock me off-center.  Note: my own managers and firefighters have censored me from revealing said vulnerability for my own protection.

WORST CASE SCENARIO

Your personal configuration and manifestation of parts was constructed to deal with your worst case scenario to date.  Since we have different histories and experiences, each set of parts is like a fingerprint of the individual.  While I’m currently working hard to lead with my core Self, recent events (i.e. the death of my wife) have thrown the system into a reorg process.  All previous worst case scenarios were blown out of the water and my mind’s company is frantically looking for new hires in two main departments.  I thought I’d give you a peek into the frenetic remodeling of my inner Self as the parts run around with their pants on fire.

Exile: [Can’t speak and just cries endlessly into the void.]

Firefighter: “Oh shit!  Their wedding song started playing overhead at the grocery store!”

Manager: “It’s fine.  Everything is fine. Close your ears, stop being a baby and don’t think about it.”

Exile: “But I can’t stop thinking!” [Stops responding as snot clogs up nose.]

Firefighter: “Leave the store!  Leave your groceries where you are!”

Exile: [Blows nose, hides in deserted health food aisle.]

Manager: “Someone could have seen you out there.  Now go check out and remember to smile at the clerk.”

Firefighter: “I think it’s a great time to call it a day and watch more episodes of Designing Women.”

These parts are obviously clueless as to what to do with this newly emerged and devastatingly sad grief Exile.  She’s a little girl part of me that either pitifully weeps or gets hulk-smash rageful.  She isn’t a new part; she’s come out of semi-retirement to hold my overwhelming grief.  She believes that everyone will leave her and she’s left on her own to figure everything out.   She thinks things like, “Why don’t people notice how sad I am???” She doesn’t know a Firefighter distracts her from feeling with a stupid magic trick while a Manager runs around pulling the curtains around her so no one sees.  All the parts are trying to help but the animals are loose at the circus.  Though the Exile doesn’t know it, she’s waiting for my core Self to step in and corral the monkeys.  My Self knows what to do if I can only find and access it.  Stepping from the shadows, my centered Self brings a soothing presence that stops the commotion and quiets the protectors.  Here’s an example:

Manager: “You should shower and do a little cleaning.  This place is a mess!”

Firefighter: “Honestly, I think eating a little cookie butter will make things better.”

Exile: “[Sobbing] Things are never going to get better!  I don’t want them to get better!”

Firefighter: “I know!  Let’s listen to Rage Against the Machine really loud in the kitchen!”

Manager: “Fine, don’t shower even though you stink.  Don’t change clothes either.  It’s not like anyone sees you anyway.”

Firefighter: “Uhhh, isn’t that friend coming over tonight?”

Manager: “Oh yeah!  He’ll certainly notice those dishes that have been in the sink for 3 days.  Just sayin’...”

Exile: “Oh no!  [Hangs head in shame] People will find out how horribly disgusting I am because I haven’t run the dishwasher or broken down and recycled the Amazon boxes.”

Firefighter: “Just throw everything in the backyard!!!”

Manager: “Stack up all the piles neatly so it looks like you wanted them there on purpose.”

SELF: “Alright, let’s think about this.  What if you broke down the boxes right now, put them outside, rinse the dishes, and filled the dishwasher all while listening to Rage Against the Machine?”

Manager: “That’s not enough but okay, fine.”

Firefighter: “Great ideas as always.  I’m going to rest up for the next emergency.”

Exile: “Thank you for listening to me.  I feel a little better and I think we can do this.”

SELF: “Great. Afterwards, everyone can take a break and zone out in front of the TV.  Now put on that music and let’s get to work.”

WHO’S IN CHARGE?

As long as there’s no one in charge, your mind is a confusing and chaotic miasma of competing needs.  Ideally, the Self steps up and takes over negotiation between the parts and directs the next steps.  However, sometimes a part fills in the leadership role.  You know you’re leading with a Manager when you feel buttoned up, intellectually sharp and emotionally numbed out.  Leading with a Firefighter part feels like a continual state of irritability and agitation and keeps you ‘at the ready’ to react to danger.  Exiles are rarely in charge because they’re really bad at it.  They collapse the system and insist on activities like staying in bed all day.

WORKING WITH YOUR SYSTEM

As with most life problems, the first step is awareness. You’ve got to get to know your parts - their personalities, beliefs, and functions - before trying to intervene in their conflicts. Like I said before, there are no bad parts - just competing beliefs and strategies. A given part feels strongly that it’s right, sees it how it really is and knows the truth. Every thought or feeling originating from a part is trying to help you out, even if it doesn’t seem that way. The part of me that says no one wants to be around me is actually trying to protect me from rejection and abandonment. Unchallenged, that part will keep me from connecting to supportive people.

OBSERVING AND IDENTIFYING PARTS

It may be difficult to put your finger on and capture a particular part.  When you’re ready, there’s a few ways to access them.  Start by being curious and non-judgmental.  Think of your centered self as just a researcher interested in data collection.  Reassure yourself that nothing has to change as you’re presently in observation mode.  

Take your emotional temperature by asking yourself how you feel right now.  Ask to see what emotions are already present and how or where your body feels with that emotion.  Observe those messages that are on repeat in your mind.  Alternatively, you can access an upsetting memory from the past and examine it.  Ask yourself, what exactly was upsetting about what happened?  Did you feel afraid, sad, anxious, angry or something else?  How did you react and what did you do?  Did you rage, freeze, numb, avoid, or try to smooth it over?  These questions will reveal clues to what was exiled and what managers and/or firefighters protected you.  If at any time your brain says, “I don’t know,” consider that another protector part and explore accordingly.

STAYING CENTERED

Once you’ve got a handful of observations, pick out one voice and interview it.  More than likely, you’ll be talking to a protector - probably a manager.  Getting it talking by asking what it believes and it’s job in the system.  Ask how old it is and what it looks like.  A voice that says. “This isn’t fair,” may believe you get dumped on more than most and thinks the job is to  protest on your behalf.  It may show up as a finger wagging old man who suggests that something must be wrong with you because this keeps happening.  What’s protective about this voice?  What kind of Exile is it defending?  Be gentle with digging down to the Exiled little kid part underneath.  Kids are delicate and need protecting.  If you find yourself continuing to have strong emotions or becoming reactive, you’ve likely run into another manager or firefighter.  Interview and explore this part before moving deeper.  We can’t access, validate and utilize the burdened exiles without honoring how the system set itself up to protect us.

Once you’re working with a particular part, another angle is to check back in with your calm and centered Self.  What do you understand about the part?  What do you think is going on?  Can you find empathy and appreciation for the part?  Even our nastiest parts work really hard on our behalf.  A critical voice is mean but its heart is in the right place.  An obsessive or addictive part is trying to soothe the system in the best and only ways it knows so far.

TRUSTING RELATIONSHIPS

Getting to know your parts is the process of creating trusting relationships between them and the Self.  This is the next step in the process of converting your protectors and split-off exiles into your allies.  Think about how trust is built with other people: consistent interactions, listening to and honoring what’s said, believing their words are important - even when you don’t understand.  That’s exactly how we build rapport with the different parts of ourselves.  It may be scary or unpleasant to get close to your inner critic or the tightly-wound explosive rage but it’s a vital step.  Like a good CEO or President, once your core Self begins to get everyone on board, it’s easier to know what to do when life throws you the next curveball.

I’ve got a story for you from back when my wife was still alive.  I left to go grocery shopping but stopped in at the craft store to shop for just myself.   This nagging little voice kept popping up but I successfully shoved it back down at the craft store.   Entering the grocery store a short time later, I could no longer ignore a little girl voice on repeat: “She’s going to be mad at you!” Sighing, I got centered and engaged it.  Here’s how the conversation went:

Little Girl: “She’s going to be mad at you!”

SELF: “Okay, well, we can handle that.  Why will she be mad at me?”

Little Girl: “Because you took too much time at the craft store.”

SELF: “Why is that a big deal to you?  What are you feeling?”

Little Girl: “I’m worried she’ll be mad and call you selfish because you took time for yourself.”

SELF: “Okay, well if that happens, I’ll take care of it.  You don’t have to explain it to her.  I don’t think she’ll actually be mad but if she is, I’ll be in charge.  How does that sound?”

Little Girl: “I’m still worried but I’ll try it your way.”

SELF: “Great. Thank you for trusting me. No matter what, it will be okay.”

This is the actual transcription of me engaging with a worried part.  For the record, it’s not grounded in current reality.  Naturally, Patty would be concerned if I hadn’t returned from shopping if it had been a few hours but she wouldn’t be mad.  I already had a relationship with this part - the Little Girl.  She’s about 5 or 6 and feels too small and powerless to change things in the world.  She’s used to being  dismissed and pulls at my sleeve to warn me about all the monsters lurking in the shadows.  She’s protected by another part - my rebellious teenager.  If I’m not gentle with the Little Girl, the Rebel leaps to her defense and commandeer the entire system.  The Rebel says things like, “Oh no, you fucking didn’t just do that!  I’ll show you!” and promptly turns off all inhibition and motivation and steers us back to the craft store to buy $100 worth of crap.  I’ve learned my lesson - listen to and trust the Little Girl, or else it’ll cost me.

YOUR PARTS IN GRIEF

I’m still getting to know and lead the parts of me as they grieve.  As with outside life, my internal life was thrown into disarray after Patty died.  I had all the parts nicely organized, productive, and had good working relationships with all.  Death took my puny little shoebox diorama on the inside of my mind and… shook it up really hard.   I was so proud of my hand painted little figurines, all precisely glued in their rightful places.  A manager most assuredly came up with that idea.  Now, there’s a part of me that just wants to toss the whole thing and another part that’s picking up each piece, crying over its brokenness.  

All I can do is be patient with myself for now as I sort through the pieces in the shoebox.  I tried throwing it out but it just reappeared.  I’m working on getting the lay of the land.  I’m doing my best to accept and soothe the broken parts - even as they overreact, judge me for not keeping things cleaner, numb out with cookie butter, and cry at the grocery store.  We are trudging down the road right now but when I get to know everyone again, I’ll call a meeting and figure out what’s next.

[sloppy-butcher]

Hcs Caleb Quinn and The Hillbilly (idk his name im sorry) with a s/o with a soft-southern voice and their like extremely sweet and too nice shbsjsnssn

his name is Max Thompson Jr. and he is my son.

this will be the first time i write for Caleb and i am here for it!!!! i’ve been binging all his other content mainly from @yeehawitstheplague and @dead-by-deathslinger (check them out if you crave more cowboi)

thank you so much for the ask! i absolutely LOVE writing for Max <3 he is below the cut cause its long again

HeadCanons for The Deathslinger (Caleb Quinn) and The Hillbilly (Max Thompson Jr.) with Southern-accented S/O

The Deathslinger (Caleb Quinn)

Caleb had spent his whole childhood life trying to imitate the accent of old. He had watched his dad be berated and mocked for his Irish accent and was taught early on that if he wanted to be taken seriously, Caleb had to talk like the men who owned the world, the businessmen. So Caleb practiced, day-in day-out, to hide away his roots as an Irish man, covering all his traits with thick and smoky Southern Accent. Besides that he had never really given it any thought, sometimes an odd word would slip out but those who heard it would be persuaded to never mention it.

However, when Caleb first hears you speak in that gentle accent he is immediately enchanted. To him it was like honey, slow and warm, sugary, and sickly. He couldn’t get enough. He’d deliberately ask you to say certain words, chuckling every time you humored him. He had never heard that way of speaking before, everyone he had ever met spoke in very broken and slurred speech. You were articulated, smarter than anyone else he had ever known, and rolled the accent over your tongue with ease. Oh, how he liked it.

In any other situation, Caleb is, by all means, not a nickname kinda guy. Sure he’d accept the odd ‘honey’ or ‘baby’ directed to him from his partner but other than that he always remained just Caleb. That was until you showed up. It sort of just... slipped out one day. You had accidentally called him ‘Darlin’ ’. Slowly Caleb turned around to face you, his silver eyes tearing away from the maintenance work on his gun and glided their way over to you frozen form. You stood there, mouth agape and mind wheeling. Oh God, he was gonna be upset with you. “I-I’m so sorry Caleb. I didn’t mean to-”.

“Ain't no one ever called me darlin’ before,” Caleb's voice was soft barely above a whisper. It was true, he had heard many lovers call each other that nickname, a foreign word to his lips and ears. And the way you said it, so deep with love that it almost hurt to hear it.  You felt your tension release as the cowboy gave off no aura of hostility or displeasure. Only a deep sense of melancholy. You wanted to go to him, to reach out and take his hand in yours. Your heart ached for his burdened sadness. “You are my darlin’ “, you said again edging closer to his workbench. He hung his head, turning his attention away. Quickly you were by his side, a small hands beneath his chin pulling his head up to yours, “You are my darlin’. My baby! My Caleb.” He seemed fixated on your desperate eyes searching them wholly for something. He found comfort in your eyes and a warm smile. He placed a hand on your shoulder and released a low laugh. “I like that.” Suddenly he pulled you into his lap wrapping his long arms around you in ease and causing you to let out a yelp of surprise. He laughed even more at your noise. In your close proximity, you managed to see the full extent of your effect on him. He longed for deep affection and acceptance and even though it was only a word, it was such a kind word. You cupped his cheeks in your palms, careful not to hurt his crooked jaw and fragile broken skin. A small smile crept across your lips and your eyes lowered as you felt heat bleed into your face. “My darlin’.” Caleb, after a moment of staring, leaned into your embrace and a rumble erupted from his chest. He loved that.

The Hillbilly (Max Thompson Jr.)

To be completely dead honest Max would really dislike your accent. It reminded him of the shadows from under the door, the voices of the man and woman who sometimes fed him and always hurt him when they caught sight of his figure. He did not like it at all. Hearing you speak would ignite a deeply buried fear in his chest which often resulted in him lashing out and killing or hurting everyone around him. Forgive him, he does not know what this feeling is nor does he know how to deal with it in a health and non-destructive manner.

It would take a long time to get Max to trust you. To hear your voice and accept that it was you speaking and not the ghosts of his past. Because of reluctance to hear you speak the beginning of your relationship would have started from silence. You’d have to use gestures and body language. Max would be attracted to your kindness and patience and eventually, he’d be comfortable enough to let you touch him.

When you do start speaking to him, you would have to say short and quiet sentences. He’d stare you, feverishly watching your mouth move as the words slipped out. He’d have to make the connection between you and the sound, understand that it wasn’t the shadow people talking but you. And you weren’t going to hurt him. Once he even asked (well, gestured) if he could touch you as you spoke to him. He crouched in front of you, a hesitant hand hovering around your lips. You said something and he tilted his head, coarse fingers reaching out and tracing your mouth. ‘So soft,’ he thought. After a moment he blinked and snapped his attention to your eyes, as soft and kind as ever. There was no hurt from you, no hate or fear. Just odd and persistent patience.

Max would never be 100% okay with your accent. There would be bad days and good days but he was trying. And that's all that mattered really.

His favorite thing to do was have you call him “Darlin’ or anything sweet. He loved the way the nicknames rolled off your tongue and made his belly feel warm. It was such sweet words, a combination of all the good things you were. And the fact that is was directed at him made it even more special to him. He’d blush profusely whenever you called him that, sharply turning his head away from you and burying his face in his hands.

Once you even called him “Sweetheart~” and Max nearly lost it. It was so sudden, so gentle, and full of affection that Max was stuck in a stupor for a moment. From then on whenever Max would hug you, draping his larger body over yours, he would try to rumble his own rendition of the word. “SeeHaar,” he’d growl in his throat. You’d giggle. It was an endearing effort, one that was so innocent and pure that it didn't matter if it made sense or not. He’d take joy from your reaction to his word, squeezing you tighter in his arm until you had to ask him to let you breathe.

[nad-zeta]

Hello, hello, hello! I loved your head canons about the warlords' ages and I wonder if you can write head canons of the warlords' profession, not in modern AU but the warlords deciding to go to the future with MC and well, the profession they would have!! Thank you so muuuuuuuuuch. 💕

Hi hi, love! 🌻Thank you sooo much for the ask! This is legit my third time writing this up, the first time I did this, I forgot to save the word file, and the second time my laptop crashed right after I finished writing it😭....... But finally, here it is🌻! I’m so happy you liked my HC, I hope you enjoy this one, and I hope you have a good day! ❤🔥

Headcanon: Warlords and their future jobs 

Nobunaga

I think the second Nobunaga arrives in the future he would become a businessman

He would start off small from your apartment, but within the month he will turn into the biggest corporate leader, having thousands of people working under him

He would spend the first few weeks just chilling in the future with you but soon start to get bored

He would also, low key feel like its wrong for you to be supporting both of you

He does some research on stock trading and then starts playing around with your life savings

Good thing for you, Nobunaga is a clever man, and he manages to triple the money in a week by playing around on the stock market

He uses the income made, to start a small business, which soon starts growing at the speed of light

This man will not be able to work for someone so I can definitely see him being the CEO of his own company

He will be the ruler of the corporate world in no time

It’s pretty funny how in the span of a year he has earned the old name he once carried in the past “Devil king.”

Masamune

This is a no brainer

Obviously he will be a chef

I think he would start off small like finding a job at a local café but then soon take the culinary world by storm

It started off when the two of you went to eat at one of your favourite cafes

He enjoyed the food so much, he couldn’t help but pop into the kitchen to thank the chef (◕‿◕✿)

The kitchen was absolute mayhem and the chef had told him that he was very short-staffed

And that is how Masa got his first future job

He worked in the café for a few months picking up experience and learning to use all the futuristic equipment

From there, he bounced around from place to place learning all sorts of cool culinary techniques

I think at the end of the day he will most likely open his own restaurant

One that specializes in authentic Japanese cuisine

Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if he opened a branch of the restaurant in Nobunagas company

Mitsunari

I can see this cutie angel being a teacher or professor

I think he would be a great academic and educator

I can actually, see this boi being a professor teaching all sorts of subjects from statistics to the art of war ヾ(●ε●)ノ

The first few weeks of being in the future with you, he spends in the library absorbing as much knowledge as possible

One day while he is sitting and reading up on every and any subject, he overhears a group of struggling professors at a nearby table

Apparently they had been trying to solve a certain equation for months now but to no luck (ﾉಠдಠ)ﾉ︵┻━┻

Mitsunari walks up to the group and cheerily asks if he can be of some assistance (◕ᴗ◕✿)

Usually the group would just laugh and chase the random stranger away but desperate times…

They hand Mitsunari the equation and this clever boi takes one look at it and starts writing out the answer

The math professors were sister shook… Like he didn’t even freaken, need a calculator (◯Δ◯∥)

They legit offered him a job as a lecturer and he soon becomes the students’ favourite absent minded professor (◕‿◕✿)

I think he will most definitely also publish a few research papers as well and contribute to the body of knowledge in all sorts of subjects

Ieyasu

Also super easy he will either be a vet or a doctor although I am leaning more towards veterinarian cause of his love for animals

He will most likely join Mitsunari in university, cause he is a super-smart porcupine he will become a certified vet in no time

Also spends the first few weeks of being in the future at the library absorbing as much medical knowledge as possible

He gets the idea of becoming a vet after watching a bunch of animal rescue shows on the national geographic channel 

While you are at work he starts volunteering at an animal rescue during the day to pass the time

That is where he met one of the vets that help out at the rescue in their free time, he legit liked Ieyasu so much he took him on as an apprentice, while Ieyasu was busy completing his studies

Later on he will most likely have his own veterinary practise

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he starts his own animal rescue on the side as well

Within two years the two of you move to live on a big plot with all yours and Ieyasus rescued pets

Hideyoshi

Hideyoshi could go one of two ways hehe 

If Nobunaga comes to the future with yall then you best be sure this boy is ganna help Nobunaga rule the corporate world

Buuuut if it’s just the two of you, I 100% see him becoming a primary school teacher

Like he would just be so good with kids

He is basically trademarked as mama hen anyways, so why not put him in a primary school to teach lil chics

I think he would be such a good teacher, supportive, kind, and patient

He has enough practise lecturing Nobunaga for bad behaviour, so he might as well put that to good use correcting the behaviours of troublesome kids

He gets into teaching when your sister drops her kid off at your apartment to babysit

You had work, so the only one that could care for the child was, the mother hen himself

He sat and taught the little boy how to read and write, this impressed your sister so much that she recommended him for the position of substitute English teacher at her child’s school

At first Hideyoshi worked as a substitute teacher, but soon he became the designated aftercare teacher and within a few months he was teaching his own class

The children absolutely adored him although they would sneak behind the school building to eat candy cause, they didn’t want to get yet another lecture from Yoshi on the negative health consequences of their favourite sugary treats

Mitsuhide

100% detective (¬‿¬)

I mean can you just imagine how sexy he would look in a trenchcoat… like OMW (づ￣ ³￣)づ

The first few weeks of spending time with you in the future you introduce him to CSI and Law and order and he is super fascinated

You are so amazed by the fact that he can figure out who the perp is 5 minutes into the show

The crime in your neighbourhood was pretty bad, but since Mitsuhide’s arrival something crazy happened 

The crime seemed to disappear. 

Like no more robberies, no more drunks walking up and down the street, just peaceful quiet calm neighbourhood 

One day as the two of you were buying snacks for your CSI bingeing session, two armed men came into the convenience store 

You looked over at your lover who seemed completely unphased, like one of the robbers were legit pointing a gun in his face, yet Mitsuhide looked uninterested

Within a blink of an eye, Mitushide managed to disarm the men and tie them up 

The police were hella impressed with the way Mitsuhide handled things 

He helped the police department solve a few petty crimes in your neighbourhood and soon they started calling him up, to help them crack some difficult cases

After a while he becomes the most famous and popular detective in town

The government low key recruits him as an agent to help them

Kenshin

Again I don’t see Kenshin working for anyone

I think the first few weeks the two of you arrive, bunnies start following him around

Looks like the bunny lord is never safe from the love of the cute fluffy creatures 

The two of you will definitely be living on a bunny farm

Kenshin, although he doesn’t admit it, has a soft spot for the cute fluffy creatures 

So the bunny farm is actually more of a bunny rescue although that’s just his part-time job

As he adapts to the future, I can see the farm transforming into being a bunny and sake farm

Lol Kenshin loves Sake so much 

He knows how good sake should taste, so naturally he starts to make his own and sell it

This starts one day when a friend of yours invites the two of you to a sake tasting

The instructor was so impressed with Kenshin’s keen sense of taste that they got to talking and before Kenshin knew it, he had two people willing to sponsor him, to start his own sake brand

Naturally he never backs down from a challenge

He actually goes on to become the largest Sake producer and bunny rescue

Yukimura

I can legit see this boy doing something active like being a firefighter or gym instructor- cause lets be real this boi is ripped

Or actually maybe both

The first few weeks of being in the future he managed to save 2 peoples lives by fearlessly running in a burning building

The firefighters were legit so impressed they decided to take him on as an intern

He got some of the perks, i.e. free gym membership to stay fit

That’s when he started giving out a few pieces of advice to the people around him

“Like seriously dummy, don’t you even know how to do a proper squat, u legit ganna hurt your back if ya keep doing it like that.”

The members of the gym appreciated his advice so much, some of them started paying him to become their instructor, and soon the gym decided to hire him part-time

Now when Yuki isn't running into burning buildings saving people he is training people in the gym 

Best be sure he is gonna drag you to the gym with him

Shingen

Hehe I’ll admit I’m not too sure what this boi would get up to in the future

I think the first few weeks will be spent with you just adapting and getting to know everything

I think he would continue on with his carpentry

He kinda starts to notice your apartment is furnished in super cheap furniture

You tell him you are just a student in this time and don’t really have money to buy anything fancy

He buys a few cheap pieces of wood and starts furnishing your apartment with the most beautifully crafted furniture

Some of your friends visit the two of you and notice the remarkable craftsmanship and start commissioning him to make them some furniture

After a while he becomes the best carpenter in town

Goes on to open up a shop selling the different furniture he makes

I can see him hiring people in need, and that need a fresh start and then teaching them the trade to be able to make something of themselves

I can also see him volunteering at rescues and fostering bear cubs cause he misses his so much

I hope you enjoyed this dear and thanks again for the ask! ❤❤🔥🌻

[sometimesrosy]

Thanks for being one of the last blogs left to discuss the show to the end. I understand the hurt and betrayal people feel right now. I feel it too, but as a new fan who binged 1-6 back in March, I keep thinking about the crazy moments that were reversed or resolved at the end of seasons. If it hadn't been for Jason's word of God post or the anon accounts, I would have scoffed at this "death", b/c it seemed like a setup. I may not like JR, but I need to see how he ends this before I criticize.

Yeah. I know exactly what you’re talking about.

I think in fandom, we have a hard time adjusting to the immediate storyline, and we forget the long term one. And this DOES seem like the story is not done. Usually when they die, it’s confirmed that they die. A hole in the head. That blank eye. Blown out into space. They die in someone’s arms. We see their last breaths. A dead body or grave. The light goes out. In this, we don’t see that. We see Clarke ripped away from the scene, her last sight the result of what she did.

No conclusion, no resolution, no CONFIRMATION-- in narrative anyway.

On social media we got goodbyes. But I have NEVER used social media as confirmation for canon. I can ONLY accept canon.

And canon is up in the air. It looks bad, I’m not gonna lie. But it isn’t confirmed, resolved, or concluded.

It’s the rumors that give us a “reason” for the lack of conclusion. And I can’t say that the rumors don’t explain it, because they do make sense.

But they’re still not canon. 

Bellamy also died at the end of season 1. But he didn’t die. Clarke died at the end of season 4... we saw her, remember? Covered with radiation sores and falling to the floor, but she survived. Not that B knew. Speaking of season 4, Octavia also died in season 4. We saw her fall from the cliff, stabbed, and B collapsed on finding out. Season 6 Clarke died again. We saw the lights go out that time. No one believed it. Bellamy died at the beginning of season 7 too. No one believed it.  Seems like we stopped believing when they die.

Within the show, they have the capability to save him. Bardo has a high level of tech, including medical tech, a disciple has his hand on Bellamy’s chest in the last scene, and they have immediate access to the medical labs by going through the anomaly. 

The only thing that makes everyone take it for certain is the social media. Even if it looks terribly damning, I can’t take that as evidence. 

STICK TO THE TEXT.

Yes, I am going to watch the next three episodes. I didn’t commit to all this hell to back out now. 

The hardest thing to understand right now, for me, is not that B died. I expected him to die. I think I had him (and Clarke) at a 90% or 95% chance of dying this season. It’s the WAY it happened, with that lack of resolution. And the splitting up of Bellarke. That Clarke did it. 

It seems to ruin the long term narrative of Clarke being the hero, Bellarke saving the world together, Bellamy saving Clarke while Clarke saves humanity, Bellamy’s character development and learning to let those he love make his own choices, Bellamy being a leader, Clarke understanding that some things are not worth it. 

Like, there are TWO options that make sense with all this...

Bellamy isn’t really dead and this is a fake out to raise tension... which makes sense with the narrative and the way the story has been told for 7 years.

OR

Bellamy is dead and JR totally betrayed his narrative, Bellamy, Clarke, Bob, and the audience because he’s a mother fucking egotistical jackass. because even if bob quit for health reasons he didn’t need to tank the story to write him out.

Now, there’s been a fandom narrative of JR being a fucking egotistical jackass who is taking vengeance on fandom and various actors. So that slides very neatly into what the antis believe.

But that narrative never really fit the story on screen. I mean, I think yeah he’s probably an egotistical jackass, but he always put the story before anyone else. It was HIS story and he wasn’t going to let anyone tell him what to write. And he would kill off characters and doom ships and let story lines fade off into oblivion for ONE narrative, and that’s what he just killed, or appeared to kill in the last episode. So why would he now sink it? IDK. it’s weird and it makes no sense.

DID he just give up in the last season because he moved on to the other pilot-- which has no guarantee of being picked up, and seemes to be waiting on how THIS story does? Why would he do that when his name will be based on THIS show. And when we have a glaring example of showrunners who did that with GOT and ended up LOSING huge deals for new shows because of the mess they made. That seems remarkably stupid to not learn the lesson and to go down the exact same path, even to having one love interest kill the other, who was one of the main heroes.

Isn’t that WEIRD? IS JR COMPLETELY STUPID? Despite years of evidence to the contrary where he seems pretty savvy? Could he possibly be using that fandom fear and belief to make everyone believe he killed off Bellamy for no reason? Would he USE a social media account to manipulate viewers into having emotional reactions to the story by lying??? WELL NO. He’s not lying. He says this was Bellamy’s death but he doesn’t say he stays dead, or that Bardo can’t bring him back. Remember season 2? Lincoln died and they brought him back. And when he thanks Bob for his 7 years, that also is not a lie. Bob gave him 7 years. We’ve seen Bellamy’s story for 7 years. Whether it ends here or continues for another three eps. It’s definitely implying that he’s not coming back, but it’s not lying if he does come back.

Well, I don’t know. Maybe JR is completely stupid. I’ll wait to see if he stick the landing, but my faith is low. It’s just all very weird and makes no sense in a story that has always made sense if you follow his storyline. And as a writer I just don’t know why you would tank your long term story three eps before you finish it up. And he DOES love to scare us and make us feel anguished and kill of our  mains and thinking ALL IS LOST before finding out that no indeed, all is not lost and our heroes can and do come back and reach victory.

THAT fits his story. But maybe he’s so desperate for us to believe it’s over that he’ll mislead us IRL to make us believe his plot twist in the narrative.

Can’t say I wouldnt prefer it to be a fake out, but if it is a fake out he’s still a HUGE fucking egotistical asshole. 

I just can’t believe it until I see the canon. I need to see the conclusion, because this seems like a total trashing of the story, and that just makes no sense for what we’ve seen for 7 years. Actually, when I think about all of this, it gives me a little faith in the story back. Not a lot, but a little. BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE. It is PURELY the fandom narrative that JR is an egotistical jackass and doesn’t fit with the canon narrative. 

Listen, I don’t think I’ll ever get involved with a fandom again. it ruins the story. All this gossip and negativity and shipwars and harassment and I don’t even LIKE the behind the scenes tales of who did what to whom. I just want to watch the stories and enjoy what I enjoy. I wish we could talk about it all without creating this huge writhing mass of maggoty decay as so called fandom attempts to take apart everything good about a show we’re supposed to love.

[iamawriterorsomething]

The different outcomes (10/9/21)

   Those dreadful words were utter to me. 

“She went to rehab for depression and suicidal thought”.

        A wave of shock went through me as I heard those words. Then sadness and jealousy. I knew how bad it was and I thought I was helping. I would talk to her and she knew I tried to take my own life but she didn’t know how bad my depression was. But I knew how bad her’s was. I had been there and when you have been there, it’s easy to recognize. 

    But I thought I could help her. We would talk for an hour, she was going to mandated therapy, she was getting a better job, trying to get control of her health. But then again, I knew very little of what was going through her head. She didn’t like talking about it much and I didn’t want to pry. I didn’t want to try to get her to open up only to have her shut down and not speak at all. 

    However, I can’t imagine I had such a big impact on her life. We hardly talked on the phone and all communication stopped when I was continuously missing her calls. I always felt bad and I never did it on purpose. I would be away from the phone, working on homework, at school or busy doing something else. 

“She would understand” I thought and then I would text her and apologize.

   She would say it was okay, she understood and that would be the end of it.

    As my depression hit an all time low and getting out of bed took the majority of my energy, we fell out of touch. I would wake up after getting two or three hours of sleep, struggle to get through school, binge eat once I got home, do my homework and study and then I would attempt to sleep. And when I realized that I couldn’t, I would listen to music, meditate, or watch tv until I could sleep. Usually, I go to bed around three in the morning knowing I have to walk up at 5. 

    Then the suicidal thoughts rolled in. Intense than they had ever been before. I stayed up all night for nights on end finishing my note. I wanted to make it perfect but I also wanted people to understand what happened for me to get to that place. I didn’t get any sleep, I stopped studying, stopped doing my homework... 

I stopped caring. Stopped caring about what other people thought. 

I didn’t care that people would mourn my death. 

That some people could possibly not get over my death at all. 

I didn’t care about all the good things in my life that could happen because all the bad outcomes were the only things that would float to my mind. All the good things seemed unrealistic. They seemed far away and took too much money and time to reach. 

In those moments, I felt this intense numbness that drained all my energy. I would just lie in my bed for many hours, just staring at the wall in front of me. Not moving my eyes, not moving my body, not thinking. All of that took up too much energy. I just stared at what was in front of me. 

So for many days, I spent a solid few hours looking at a chair filled with writing material, stuffed animals, and a red sweater I have been wearing since sixth grade. And during those moments, blinking was the only real thing I could do without struggling. 

This weakness vibrated throughout my limbs and my torso, springing up to my chest, making me aware of my breathing. It would rise and fall in a regular movement. I just focused on my breathing, on my chest movements. I didn’t think about anything else. My mind was blank and I don’t think that I could have changed that if I tried. 

After those many hours, my body wouldn’t feel as weak, my limbs wouldn’t feel heavy and I would get up and work on my note. Trying so desperately to make it perfect. Once I finally gave up on trying to make it perfect, I started looking for a window in much I would spend many hours alone, with no interruptions. It didn’t take much time or thought to figure out the perfect day and once I did, I felt this sense of calm wash over me. 

For the first time in two weeks, I slept good. I actually felt happy. Happy that all my pain would be over soon. That’s all I wanted. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to get to the good parts of my life people had promised me. But I don’t see the pain and suffering ending any time soon. I don’t see the good parts of my life happening until many years in the future. I didn’t see an escape from the people causing my pain. They would be in my life to a certain degree and people in my family, in my life, would always side with them. 

They would never see it my way, never see the things that happened behind closed doors. Never understand the gravity or the trauma certain people like my parents have had on me and my life overall. And the people who know what goes on behind the closed door, who have been behind the closed door and heard and seen what has happened; they do very little to change or help me in any way. They say they support me but then refuse to talk to me unless they have to or whenever they need something. I’m more alone than you think and in more pain than you understand. So saying that I was selfish to think the things I do or to attempt to take my own life, your not listening to my story and you obviously haven’t been there. 

I was lucky that after two weeks, the intense numbness and weakness resided, even if it was a little. I live with numbness every day and have been for six years. I don’t remember what its like to not feel numb all the time. But the degree fluctuates greatly with no factors at all. I spent two years feeling that intense numbness I described, not understanding it and not knowing what to do. I was in sixth grade. I started cutting myself because of it. I starved myself because of it. 

What i’m trying to say is, people go through similar things and your not alone. It feels hard to imagine that someone I love so deeply and so dearly would ever go through something like that. But they have, they are going through that just like I am. And I guess I felt jealous because they were getting actual help. Help that I wanted to get. Help that I needed. But I was also jealous because their depression would be recognized while I was still being treated like a horrible person for speaking up about my problem. So, the point of all of this is to say, 

You do deserve help 

You deserve to be validated no matter what your going through 

Things DO get better 

I promise you they get better. 

You are never alone. My family member going through this and being admitted into a metal health facility and getting help opened my eyes and made me realize that you’re truly never alone. There is always someone going through an experience similar to yours. You can get help, but it’s up to you. You’ll only get help if your ready to get help. 

[willowistic22]

RedFinch sickfic 🥺?

The redfinch requests are fueling my serotonin you guys don’t even understand!!!! a very fluffy fic in my opinion and i quite like it. A few curse words but nothing too serious yknow. Anyways, i hope whoever’s reading this enjoys! 

Requests are still opened by the way! I have three more I got to write but I’d be happy taking more, though with a hectic school schedule it will take some time! 

He wraps himself in a big knitted blanket and lie in bed with minimal movements. A tissue box placed on the floor next to his bed with crumpled up tissues scattered around the floor along with it. Bedroom lights dimmed to accommodate his half-consciousness, not exactly sleepy but can’t stay awake either. 

Albert has his eyes fully closed but his mind on full swing. He’d much rather sleep through his discomfort, but the stuffy nose and headache makes it hard. His breathing is loud with so much liquid blocking his nostrils which makes it hard for Albert to breathe, another reason why it’s difficult for him to sleep. 

Though, he longs for sleep to envelop him. He was rustling under his blanket all night. Getting the flu isn’t an end of the world thing, though he knows it can get serious if it’s not treated right after getting millions of lectures from his mom, but Albert still think of it as a huge inconvenience. Sure, he got the chance to ditch his classes, but he’d much enjoy it if the reason behind it was something other than calling in sick. 

Al groans, furiously opening his eyes and rolling from his side to lie on his back. He stares at the ceiling, placing both hands on his stomach above the blanket. 

He really should be doing something. So far, he’s woken up early as per usual to get to his campus, thinking his flu was cured after taking some medicine before bed. As it turned out, it didn’t, so he had called in sick and barely moved out of his covers. He was able to drag himself to shower, which only took about two hours of convincing himself then he props himself back on his bed with clean clothes. 

Albert wants to ask one of his classmates what he missed from today’s lecture, but the energy to even reach to his phone is non existence. And its literally placed just across his tiny bedroom on the desk. Al could use some food since he hasn’t eaten anything today, but he has no appetite. There doesn’t seem to be any source of entertainment that would do good for him either so he’s left in his boredom. 

He exhales out of his mouth full of desperation, defeating the pointless weight on his eyelids. Al’s brain is desperately screaming at him to get out of bed and walk to the kitchen. Albert’s stomach would be very thankful to be given a slice of bread and some water. He just needs to muster up the energy to push through his exhaustion first.

“YO ALBO!” 

His bedroom door swung violently from a kick, the sound hitting the wall caused him to jump. As if the pain Albert’s head is feeling isn’t enough. 

Al’s head half sits up to see who decided to bother him with a sniffle, causing even more pain to his head. The light coming from the other room seems so bright, he can only see two silhouettes of people standing in the doorway. 

“How’re you feelin’ there?” A voice, he recognize to be his roommate Race, asked. Of course it’s Race who busts down his door. Why did he thought it’d be anyone else? 

“Like shit!” Al answered with a nasally voice and another sniffle following his words. 

“Well, you sure look like one!” Race replied, approaching Al on the bed. He turns back towards the doorway, gazing back at the other figure he’s with, “Your boyfriend’s here to take care of you. So don’t worry about me busting down your door again like that” 

Race walks away with a bounce to his steps, leaving Albert and his visitor to have the room all to themselves. 

Albert flops his head back to the pillow with a groan and a sniffle, propping his arm on top of his eyes to block out the bright light. With the little strength he has left in him, he voices out a nasally greet, “Hi, Finch” 

The distant light coming from the doorway slowly fades away till the door can be heard clicking shut. The next thing he notices is the side of his mattress slowly dipping from the extra weight on the edge. 

“Hi, Al” Finch greets back gently, pulling down his arm away from his eyes. Albert can now clearly see the smile on Finch’s face. The sight of the blond picked his spirit up enough to get the grumpy redhead to smile back. 

He puts the back of his hand on top of Albert’s forehead and asks, “How are you feeling? Other than shit” 

Albert chuckles and sniffles out, “My head hurts, I can’t breathe through my nose, and I’m hungry but can’t bring my ass to the kitchen” 

Finch giggles through his smile, retracting his hand and turning to view the rest of Albert’s room. The floor to be exact, “And you should really start throwing your trash away...” 

“Yes, that. I also ditched all my classes of the day, so that’s another problem on my plate” Albert said, slightly unwrapping himself out of his knitted blanket, “And I can’t, for the life of me, sleep but can’t stay awake either because I’m actually sleepy”

He sees his boyfriend reach towards the floor, but can’t clearly see what he’s aiming for. He can hear plastic rustling before Finch sits up straight again, now presenting Albert a bowl-shaped food container, “I made you some cream soup. It’s still warm and it won’t require a lot of chewing” 

Albert smiles at the idea, sniffling his nose out a bit as his hazel eyes twinkle at Finch reaching back down. He could only assume that he’s getting something else. 

“Since you said you lost your appetite, I suspected you aren’t keeping yourself hydrated either so I prepared a water bottle” Putting the water bottle next to the cream soup on the bed. Finch pulls something else up, a small blue container with a bright green lid, “And also some vaporub to save your nose and headache!” 

Albert is beyond thankful to see Finch preparing all of this just for him. He really does not have the energy to do it himself. 

“I’ll get your laptop so we can binge something boring till you fall asleep” Finch ended his note. 

Albert smiles weakly at him, but the adoration was very much present. He hums out, “What did I do to deserve you?”

“Nothing. Which is why you owe me big time for doing this!” Finch joked with a little giggle. It made Al roll his eyes with a chuckle.

Finch helps prop a pillow against the wall. Al’s head painfully pounds as he makes the efforts to sit upright, but any sort of comfort they can spare goes a long way. Finch gives him the bowl of soup with a spoon while he does a bit of cleaning. Albert can’t help but feel guilty for making his boyfriend do this. He’s already doing a lot by making time to visit and preparing a homemade cream soup plus other things to nurse him back to health, and he just got the flu! Finch just shrugs him off, saying that he’s more than happy to help.

After throwing away all the dirty tissues, he gets in bed besides Albert with his laptop in hand. Finch notes the knitted blanket he’s using, “Didn’t know you like knitted blankets”

“My mother made this for me when I had my first stay at a hospital” Albert explained after taking a spoonful of cream soup. He puts down the spoon and sniffles out, “I don’t remember why I had to stay overnight but I remember I was around ten”

Finch smiles at the short story before opening up the laptop and Albert continues eating his soup. Finch doesn’t need to worry about eating, he already had a sandwich before heading over here.

Not even thirty minutes into the movie they’re watching, and Al is already declaring his stomach is full. He ate so little that it looked as if he didn’t even bother touching it.

“Al, you haven’t eaten anything all day!” Finch countered.

“I seriously can’t eat right now. I’m sorry” Albert said. He only apologized because he knows Finch had personally made this for him.

“Please, just take your time finishing it” Finch begged, “I’ll feed you myself if I have to!”

Albert kept arguing that he can’t keep going, so Finch really did feed him. Placing the laptop on Albert’s lap and taking over the spoon to force down one meal down his stomach.

An hour or so through the movie, Albert was able to finish the soup. It wasn’t that his stomach was full, he just didn’t have the strength to finish it on his own. With the help from Finch, he was able to make himself eat something.

Finch helps him apply some vaporub on his chest, sliding his hand under his shirt. Albert lazily placed his head on Finch’s shoulder while he did it, smiling full of contentment. He tries to reach up for a kiss, but Finch pushes him away with a smile. 

“Slow down! We haven’t even held hands yet!” Finch joked, lightly pushing Al back against the wall he’s leaning on, “And there’s no way I’m kissing you while you’re sick” 

Albert laughs with a sniffle following, “We can be sick together!” 

“And leave Race to take care of us? No!” 

So they settle back in the comforts of each other, watching various movies under the warm covers of Alberts knitted blanket. Well, Albert moves his position to lie down completely on the bed and wrap an arm around Finch’s waist as sleep slowly overcomes his senses. Finch stays upright while holding the laptop, but the movie is now long forgotten as he strokes Albert’s hair and watches him drift to sleep. 

He looked terrible when Finch first arrived. To see him now sleeping peacefully by his side, a heavenly feeling wraps Finch’s heart. What a privilege it is to be able to cradle Albert in his arms and help him get better. As he unconsciously tightens his grip around Finch’s waist, he laughs seeing the act unfold.

 BANG! 

The bedroom door slammed opened with a powerful kick, sending both Albert and Finch to jump out of their little serenity. Finch keeps his arms on Albert as the pounding pain in his head appears once again. His eyes squints at the bright light coming from the door. 

“What’s up guys!” Racetrack’s loud voice echoed through Albert’s head, adding even more to the pain. And not to mention to new pain in his ass with his presence. Though, neither of them are entirely surprised. 

“Race... Please go away...” Albert weakly whined, slipping a hand under his pillow as he slowly lies back down. 

“What? Come on! I’m bored!” Race replied, he walks over to the bed in the corner with his signature grin, “The more the merrier, Al!” 

Before he could sit on the bed, Finch took the initiative to stand up and show Race to the door. Slamming it shut and locking it while he’s at it. He returns to his spot on the bed, Albert instantly wrapping his arm around his waist again. 

Finch notices the little pout on his face as he tries to catch more sleep. He laughs and threads his fingers through his hair, “Should’ve locked that door sooner. Sorry” 

“It’s fine” Albert said, barely audible since his face is half buried in his pillow. He opens one eye at Finch and voices out whatever he can without needing to move, “Lie down with me? We can take a little nap” 

Finch chuckles at the offer and proceeds to follow his orders. He gets comfortable under the blanket, facing his boyfriend to wrap his own arms around him. Albert’s head is placed on the crook of his neck, tickling Finch a little  with his hair as he adjust to get comfortable. 

They get comfortable in each others embrace after a few moments of adjusting. Chests rising and falling on their own slow pace. Albert already on his way to dreamland whilst Finch still has the small energy to pet his hair. Though as the seconds passes by, his eyelids begin to get heavier and heavier till sleep finally envelops him. 

[arigatouiris]

you // bakugou katsuki

Author’s Note: Bakugou Katsuki is someone I can write about anytime anyday. 

Ehh so this is my first time writing anything yandere and this is happening because guess who binged all of season 1 of You in one day? Me. Yes. And while I haven’t been posting as much, it’s been a very very hectic year for me, mental health-wise and professionally, so using tumblr is a luxury. There’s a twist here because it’s more of a reader being yandere than Bakugou.

Word count: 3254

Pairing: Yandere! Reader x Bakugou (there’s a twist)

Warnings: yandere elements, sexual references

❝

It had been a rather long day. 

Not that you were complaining. With rising levels of anxiety, a long day was a refreshing break from all things related to your mind. Honestly, you like being busy because it somehow takes a large load off of you, giving you a chance to breathe, move around in your own space and think of things that are actually worth thinking about.

And you’re really trying here; to make a difference to yourself. You’re really trying to not let the growing anxiety creep under your skin, to tell you about things that don’t actually matter and despite how much you want to listen to the voice that says ‘if it bothers you, then it matters’, you want to do the right thing and focus on yourself for a change. You’re going to do better, you’re going to stop fixating on things that will only damage you, you’re going to move past what can only hurt you and think of better things, healthier things—

     “Hey,” You spun around and blinked, before your eyes slightly widened at the person you grabbed your attention, “You dropped this.”

Oh.

Oh no.

His eyes were on you, not to say it in a creepy way, but there they were—glowing red and power-hungry, falling on you like satin on the floor. Your hands nearly trembled when he handed you the scarf you had ‘dropped’, and your fingers were inches away from touching one another, not that you wanted to touch how his skin felt like, but it wasn’t something you would have minded. Not one bit. You smile at him, shyly, because you don’t want him thinking you were happy about dropping the scarf. 

His hair was all over the place and you wondered how it would feel like in between your fingers when you grasp at them as he’s holding you, breathing down on your neck, caressing your skin and you could finally know what he smelt like—

     “Thank you, I’m sorry.”

You’re glad your voice wasn’t shaky, and your smile sat firmly in place. You didn’t want to creep him out on the first time you met him.

Oh, but you know, deep down, that it isn’t the first time. You remember the first time like you remember falling in love for the first time. There are things you don’t forget, and there are things that you cannot forget—like the time you had your first drink or the first time you have sex or the first kiss you share with a boy you harbored a crush on for the longest time. 

And meeting Bakugou Katsuki was one such thing you simply cannot forget.

     “Don’t worry about it.” 

He sounded gruff like he didn’t even want to be there, but he didn’t mind helping people. You could see through his cold exterior rather well, almost as well as you could understand yourself. And you knew yourself quite well if you could say so.

Bakugou Katsuki was no rude or intimidating person. He, like you, only wanted to be loved the right way. Bakugou Katsuki was rough around the edges, but it was something you were willing to work with. He wasn’t too complicated, but sometimes, he’d like to think he was because then he could hide his insecurities of being terrible with people away deep inside his mind, and not let it show to just anyone who walks by. 

But you’re not just anyone. 

He’ll soon realize that. You were sure to make him see that this time, unlike the several times you’ve been wrong in the past, you were right. You were right about looking for love in Bakugou Katsuki because he was looking for it too.

The first time you met Bakugou Katsuki was not the first time he met you. Yes, it sounds strange when you read it like that, but that was how your story began. A week ago, you were trying to pick the best book from the one bookstore you knew that actually sold books from time to time, and there it was. A loud explosion that almost sent everything outside the store scattering—cars, people, name it. But, the source wasn’t a villain or anything that would normally cause such a scene, it was Bakugou Katsuki.

He ensured no one was hurt, which was remarkable in its own way, but the fiery nature he carried with himself sent your heart to the skies; there was nothing he was hiding. He wasn’t like those other heroes who smiled and was nice to every pedestrian out there. He was doing his job, and he didn’t need to be nice about it. And from the looks of it, he was doing a good job too. It took him roughly 4 minutes to catch the villain, despite the explosion, and that was the time you noticed him. 

Hi, there, your mind spoke to him as you watched him speak to the authorities. You took in his appearance, the way his hero costume sat on his shoulders; the aggression wasn’t passive, he knew what he had to do and that was attractive too because you liked men who knew exactly what they wanted. You knew of him until then but it was the first time you were seeing him in flesh. People gathered around him but kept a distance because of his reputation and you knew he liked that because, despite the loudness, Bakugou Katsuki was a private person. 

You promised yourself you were going to stay in the clear. You weren’t going to involve yourself in someone else because it isn’t good for you. Any sort of obsession is bad, you knew this to be true, but Bakugou Katsuki was inviting especially with the air he had around him. Not anyone can get through it, but you were not anyone. 

So when Bakugou Katsuki was being Bakugou Katsuki, what more could you do but love?

*

It didn’t take you long to find him on social media. He had a private account for everything, but since he was a hero he had a public hero account that he had no choice but to leave public. Despite his arrogance and nonchalance to the rules, he was a pro-hero at the end of the day, and that meant doing things like this from time to time.

You nodded to yourself a bit, swallowing the need to smile and browsed through the ten pictures he had in that account. It was all of him with children and you realized that despite being gruff he was someone who could be soft to kids if he tried. Maybe, he wasn’t in the past but he was now. Now, you jumped to Facebook and it didn’t take you long to find him there but then again, there were several fan accounts and just one public account of his hero page again. You hummed before noticing the various other public figures in his profile—the hero Deku and Shoto, who seemed close but there was one more person.

The hero Red Riot.

You knew from the media that Ground Zero and Red Riot were best friends from their school days, so now you had another lead. You used Red Riot’s public profile to look at Ground Zero; and no, this isn’t stalking, you were just harmlessly checking out the person you knew you were going to spend the rest of your life with. 

And viola. 

There was just so much to see! Red Riot was a social media whore—and there was just so much he wanted to share. Bakugou Katsuki didn’t look too pleased in these pictures, but you could tell from the bottom of your heart that he loves feeling belonged and he loves his friends and the tough guy act was to initially keep unwanted people away but if you were a certain way for a very long time then it becomes who you are now. 

     “I know how that feels,” You muttered because you did know how that felt.

So, you waited. You didn’t want to rush, because you knew the best things came with a slow pace and a calm heart. Though you knew your heart was anything but calm, teaching it calmness is a gift. 

The next morning, you walked into the cafe and eyed the manager there. Your right hand was holding the flier for a new waitress and you were in need of a new job. Things were perfect. Smiling, you walked over to the manager and greeted him once.

     “You’re (l/n)?” He asked, blinking at you.

He was an old man, but he wasn’t weary. He seemed like the most active old man you’d ever laid your eyes on, but no matter. You were going to get this job, and you knew you were hired the second you walked in. All of this was just an unnecessary procedure.

     “Yes. Hello. It’s very nice to meet you!”

You were enthusiastic and didn’t push it. Things were going to go well.

     “Preppy! I like that. When can you start?”

     “I can start right away, haha!”

Oh no, too enthusiastic. You could see doubt cloud in the manager’s eye. You need to play this smart. You need to do something to get yourself out of this mess—

     “Perks of not having a job right now.” You cleared the air, and you finally could breathe again.

The manager laughed once before suggesting, “Today at 5 sound good?”

     “Five sounds great.” 

Five o clock didn’t come soon enough. You were tired of waiting outside the cafe like a stalker, which you weren’t, because you weren’t weird. You were just freshly in love and the enthusiasm was too much for your small heart to bear. If you were being a completely open book, you knew you had a glass heart. You gave too much and expected too little but even that little bit that you expected sometimes never came through. And that hurt. 

You get hurt easily not because you have such little faith in people, but merely because people intended to hurt these days. 

As soon as the clock struck 4:57, you entered the cafe. The manager noticed you, coming in early but not desperate early, and smiled to himself. It was just the first day, everyone comes early on the first day. You tossed him your best smile before getting to work. 

If your calculations were right, then in just 17 minutes, the rest of your life was going to begin.

*

Bakugou Katsuki walked into the cafe being Bakugou Katsuki and not Ground Zero. 

This was a lesser-known fact about him that most people didn’t know, except for his close friends. Red Riot, or Kirishima, and himself were at this cafe calling it “Bakugou’s second home”, which meant he came here a lot.

It was a risk you were willing to take. Who isn’t willing to take risks for love? It’s thrilling, really.

So you made your move, slowly. You were making a fresh start. You were given a clean slate and there was nothing that could hinder this progression or movement. It was going to be Bakugou Katsuki and you, in your love story, reaching a point both of you would be forever happy in. You were so elated you barely noticed someone else walk into the cafe, someone else who could be just as elated as you.

     “Katsuki-kun!”

Now, who the fuck is this?

Your eyes turned to spot the brown-haired, round-faced individual walk in and sit opposite to Bakugou, who didn’t even look irritated, to say the least. You knew who she was, but who was she to Bakugou Katsuki? You blinked a couple of times before feeling the rage build in your system. 

What the fuck was Uravity doing here? 

Wasn’t she with Deku?

Wasn’t she not interested in Bakugou Katsuki?

What the fuck was she doing here addressing your Bakugou Katsuki as “Katsuki”?

You hadn’t even reached Bakugou-kun yet!

You walked over there, carefully, a soft smile on your face—knowing exactly what to say and what to do.

     “Hi, may I take your order?”

Bakugou Katsuki’s eyes shot at you before a small hint of recognition struck his features. He wasn’t going to act on it, of course, he could be wrong, but perhaps it was the entire timing—Uravity, him not recognizing you, everything made it crash down hard.

     “An Americano for him, right Katsuki-kun?”

She even knew his order? What the fuck was going on here?

     “Stop doing that, round face. Jesus,” You felt ease at him insulting her, but it wasn’t enough, “She’s not going to have anything, she was just leaving.”

     “Oh? But we have a very good—”

     “She was leaving.” Bakugou Katsuki interrupted you, and you stopped talking right away.

You weren’t going to let anyone know how elated you really were on the inside. Uravity sighed before grumbling and stopping midway as she was leaving.

     “You know,” She turned around to give him a serious look, “I really someone figures you out.”

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? You gulped before turning to look at Bakugou Katsuki, wondering what had just happened and why you were so confused.

     “You,” You jumped on your spot, “Americano.”

You nodded once before rushing to get him the best Americano he had ever tasted. While you were returning with your drink, you placed it there with a small savory biscuit and that got his attention.

     “I don’t think you remember, but you saved our lives a week ago. Just a small token of my gratitude.” 

You didn’t need him to know this. He was a pro hero, there was no need for him to know.

     “Book store girl.”

You froze. Your wide eyes didn’t go unnoticed. 

     “You didn’t even come out because of the whole hassle. Yeah, I saw you.”

He’s a hero. He had to be alert and aware of who was around. That was the only reason he knew about you. 

Six days went by, and you were slowly trying to piece together who Bakugou Katsuki was little by little. You’d leave him little savory snacks randomly and you could spot a soft change in his glum expression and notice how he’d linger longer than he would usually stay. You had more eye-contact than before and you swore you even saw him smile at you once.

When he wasn’t being a hero, he was being Bakugou Katsuki and wow, you were thrilled that he was choosing to be himself with you.

So, you decided to take it a step further. Six days was enough before you could ask him something personal right? You didn’t want to rush, but you were trying very hard to be anything but fast because you couldn’t wait to see how he felt in your hands and how his skin and hair smelled like and how it would overall feel to have love in your hands.

So, on giving him his third Americano for the evening, you plopped yourself opposite to him and smiled at him.

     “Don’t tell me you want an autograph.”

     “I’m sorry, who are you?”

Bakugou Katsuki chuckled at what you said and you swore to all the heavens you had learned language for this particular reason.

     “Just wanted to get to know you a little.”

Bakugou looked at you. Yes, he was starting to become Bakugou now, it was slowly adjusting itself in your head.

     “You sure you want that?”

You felt a bit hurt at his sentence but couldn’t help but admire how mysterious he sounded as he said it.

     “I don’t go do things I’m not sure of.”

     “Like work in a coffee shop?”

You chuckled, “This was all I’ve ever wanted.”

Bakugou rolled his eyes, “Sure.”

     “No, but really. Who are you, Bakugou Katsuki?”

He gave you another look, a softer one this time, a look you could barely discern but could spend the rest of your life trying to understand. He leaned forward and your faces were merely inches away.

     “I’m no hero, (l/n) (y/n).”

You swore you could feel your heart rate increase with the way he said it.

     “And I’m no damsel that needs saving.”

Bakugou smirked at what you said before what you knew as something very darkly sexual began between the two of you. The second you entered the cafe, you were left to wonder what Bakugou Katsuki would want to do to you later that night. The way he touched you, the way you touched him, the way he smelled and the way his skin felt when it slapped against yours, it was driving you closer and closer to insanity. 

He didn’t even have to do anything. All Bakugou had to do was sit there and be himself and you could swallow yourself wholly into whoever he was and whatever he was—it was just that easy. Bakugou Katsuki was a man who knew how to please and how to be pleasured from that pleasure and you felt no remorse for even being selfish with him.

Not that you were.

But, you couldn’t help but notice something strange. Every touch, every word that you uttered, it felt as if Bakugou knew where it was coming from and if this wasn’t a sign that it was meant to be, you didn’t know what was. 

It was one night that changed everything, however. Not that you’d know.

You and Bakugou were done for the night. Tired, but happy—wounded but whole, you were cradled into his muscular arms, naked to the very bone, but you were satisfied.

     “Baku—”

     “Katsuki.” He whispered, kissing the tip of your forehead.

You smiled to yourself, “Katsuki,” you repeated, wanting the taste of it, “I think I like you,”

What you didn’t know was he knew. 

He knew you liked him. He thought back to the time when he started heading over to the cafe you were working at, that one time with Kirishima—who obviously exaggerates everything he writes about. He thought about the fact that he told his red-headed friend that he liked the cafe, thus rendering it Bakugou’s home. He remembered that it hadn’t even been a week since Kirishima had posted that picture and yet, there you were.

There you were, now, suddenly working there.

After having seen him just once. 

Oh, if you think Bakugou Katsuki’s first time meeting you was when he handed you the scarf, then you were wrong. The first time Bakugou Katsuki met you was when you didn’t even know it. 

You had a strange habit of smelling old books right in the middle—there was something about the way the pages smelled that gave you a high. You’d smile just a bit after that, enjoying yourself a little bit publically, allowing yourself just that one gesture to please yourself. 

You licked your lips after and Bakugou wondered if they tasted just as scrumptious as they looked.

They did.

You slid some strands of your hair behind your ear and he wondered if they felt as soft if he’d pull on them as he pounds into you.

They did.

He noticed how supple your skin looked from under the light in the bookstore and wondered if they’d smell just as divine if he had you under him, begging for him to take you.

It did.

So, he knew you liked him. See, the one thing you liked about Bakugou Katsuki was that he was a man who knew exactly what he wanted.

And this time, he wanted you.

[rotationalsymmetry]

Projection is a thing. So if you’re telling someone else to “go outside” or “touch grass”, or thinking it, maybe that’s something you know you need to do.

(People usually know what they need, on some level.)

Goodness knows I need to do that kind of thing more

How to touch grass/get outside (get out of your head and into your body) when you can’t actually get outside:

Physically touch parts of your body. Ears, arms, hands, hair, feet. Touch lightly, squeeze, rub, or pat.

Make noise (if that’s ok in the environment you’re in.) hum or sing or groan or sigh.

Move. Stretch. Walk. Do crunches. Dance slowly and gracefully. Roll your shoulders.

Mess with your senses. Cover your eyes. Pick out sounds. Seek out different textures. Name colors or shapes.

Look at or listen to or touch highly detailed things. Nature videos. Looking out a window. Wood. Stone. Nice ceramics. Fancy scarves. Art. Music that isn’t pop music (classical, world music, sea shanties, whatever.) High quality paper. A coffee table book with amazing photographs. A brick. A cup of miso soup. Bubbles. Sand. One of those desk water fountain things. Shells.

Pets are great for this. Houseplants aren’t bad.

Mess with your breathing. Deep abdominal breaths. Count of four in, count of four out. Alternate nostril breathing. Bend forwards so you’re breathing in the back of your body rather than in the front. Visualize where your breath is going.

Do things weirdly, like brushing your teeth with the wrong hand or standing on one leg.

Fidget. Rock. Tap your foot. Spin a pen around in your hand. Stretch your toes.

If you have more time or need more getting into your body, there’s guided meditations (look for body scan, progressive muscular relaxation, or something else that’s more body focused.) there’s drawing (doesn’t have to be good), hand lettering, knitting or crocheting if that’s a thing you do, paper craft, coloring, caring for houseplants or pets, preparing food, building card houses, juggling, and body movement stuff over longer periods. (Also a lot of “work” stuff has a similar effect, but if you’re doing nothing but work/study and fuck around online it’s worth carving out some offline and off work time. And I’m chronically ill, so I’m largely writing this for people in my situation.)

There’s also staying online/on your devices but in a different way, like switching to an ebook or deciding you’re done with the political shit for today and catching up on a webcomic, or deciding you need a more systematic approach to the political shit and binging a YouTube channel or podcast. Depending on what you’re trying to avoid and what you think would be better.

It’s really not unusual to get weird “internet hangover” effects from being on social media too long. Social media companies are companies, and even tumblr is trying to make money. That means they’re set up to encourage you to stay on as long as possible, whether that’s in your best interest or not and whether you want to do that or not. Use social media. If you find it’s using you, try changing things until you’ve settled somewhere you like better.

And if being present and in your body is an unpleasant place to be, you’re going to find ways to not do that. (Possibly worse ways, if you cut off your preferred ways abruptly.) So try changing things. Could be a gratitude journal. Could be the fluffy sort of self care. Could be the tough love sort of self care. Could be therapy. Could be getting someone else to clean up your mess (not to be cliche, but it’s really hard to be in your body when your home is in a state of bad chaos. But it’s also really hard to clean when you’re in a funk and things have gotten bad.) Maybe you’ll look back and realize you didn’t actually do anything that worked but life changed things for you.

This isn’t meant to be, if your life is a mess you’re doing it wrong. There’s a lot of reasons why some people have a hard time being present than, from trauma to poverty to ableism to, idk, probably genetics or something. To an active global health crisis. To capitalism and how it’s profitable to keep people tired and unsatisfied all the time. (To systems of abuse and control, and how having a population constantly desperate for basic survival needs is sometimes a feature to people who want to be able to exploit other people easily.) (also: the internet is the opiate of the masses; a population that isn’t comfortable existing in the moment is a population that cannot organize effectively, regardless of their theoretical awareness.) So this isn’t, “if you’re having trouble being present that reflects badly on you”, but it is “there might be some things you can do, even if the world is fucked up and it shouldn’t be this hard.” (And your ability to get your psychological house approximately in order is not unrelated to your ability to effect change in the world. I get it’s complicated because there’s also pressure to be psychologically healthy to be good workers. But I think there may be somewhat different definitions of psychologically healthy in play there.)

[hungerishome]

I’m back... nobody noticed I was gone, nobody cared, nobody knows who I am but alas here I am nonetheless announcing my return...

Thought it wasn’t helping me being here... But actually I think I was using this in the wrong way. I thought Tumblr was responsible for my age old patterns of behaviour linked to the same traumatic cycle of starve and binge over and over and over again but let’s face it. It wasn’t Tumblrs fault (insert laughing crying emoji here). I thought that because i’ve suffered for nearly 15 years now and a lot of that time I was constantly TRYING to stop eating for good without binging that I associated Tumblr with the starve/binge cycle and therefore should stop using it.

Well, thus far i’ve always kept diaries for myself and TO myself. I don’t share shit. I don’t let people in. My eating disorder has always been so private. Maybe THAT was the problem... not tumblr and if i changed the way i use tumblr by sharing more intimate thoughts and (well any) experiences then it stops being a site for just looking at pictures of people I want to have the frame of and becomes (hopefully) more of a community (even if it’s just me writing and posting things like this that people don’t read or respond to). I don’t know... lets see.

I am a chatty person. I’ll be your friend. I am super old though... closer to 30 than I am 20 so if you’re under 18 then maybe not but yeah... Never been a chatty person surrounding my ED and struggles (unless speaking about how i recovered lol) and I think it’s time for this to change. So here I am.

What do I want? Simple. Anorexia was most of my teens and early 20s, with periods of binge eating but that has mostly been the last few years where I’ve realised how much i’ve gained and lost control and desperately battled to regain it, resulting in awful starve/binge cycles.... so yeah, what do I want? I want release from binging. I AM NOWHERE NEAR UNDERWEIGHT. If anything i’m closer to overweight. So getting this under control not only is preventing me being overweight but also preventing me being so unbelievably triggered if i ever get to overweight that i may stop eating and be so scared to get that big again that I get hit relapse harder than ever. Funnily enough i don’t want that. Im too old for that now. I just want to be close to underweight, very slim and how i want to look and feel to AVOID complete hopeless relapse. And above all else a healthier relationship with food. I want to be able to go on fasts for health and not binge because of my eating disordered history patterns. IM SO OVER IT. IM OVER THIS SIZE, IM OVER THIS MOOD, IM OVER BINGING, ITS BORING AND IT STOPS NOW! 

relate?