#gotta keep going tho

[ya-zz]

Why do I have to be sick AGAIN bro leave me alone I got shit to do 😭

[mrbrightman]

🌨️

[b-etter]

I wish I could just give up and drown in a swamp somewhere

[feralgremlinchild]

Just spent the past hour crying. That’s the first time I’ve let myself cry for more than twenty minutes in over a year. Normally I’d talk to someone, but i only have two friends and I don’t hear from them often these days. Even then, only one of them is the kind of person I can talk to about heavy things. If I just stopped responding, I’m not sure either of them would notice. Haven’t talked to one of them since July. At this point I think it would be easier to just have no friends. Having no one to talk to would be easier than messaging someone and not hearing back for a week. I’m spending most days visiting my mother in the neuro rehab facility anyway. She’s been in hospital and neuro rehab for a month now. I spend a minimum of 4 hours every day with her, 8 hours if I don’t have any appointments. We talk more and more about things, so it’s not like I’ll be alone. I’m never alone anymore, not really, always someone needing my attention at home too. I’ve been prioritizing my mother and my niece and the dogs and doing whatever I need to do or am asked to do. Pushing any personal thoughts aside for an entire month. They’re starting to creep through in quiet moments. I daydream as much as possible but sometimes the quiet comes anyway. Once a week I let myself have a thought or two. Even in therapy twice a week, I speak about things but I don’t feel them. I’m just providing information. I’m not attached to it. My therapist is letting me keep this up for now bc I’m somehow not feeling like hitting the eject button on life and eventually my mother will come home again. And then I can maybe let myself have thoughts regularly. This post right here is the most I’ve allowed myself to think in weeks. Everyone keeps telling me how great I am and how helpful and sweet and wonderful and the good daughter and calling me a blessing and thoughtful. And I don’t feel it. I’m just doing things that are needed. I am detached from most of them. Am I still a good person if I’m just doing what needs to be done? We’ve all got jobs to do. I’m not doing it to be thoughtful or sweet, I’m doing it bc it will help or fix a problem or make my mother feel better. I sat through a two hour meeting with cps because I was asked by my mother to be there bc I’d provide an idea of stability and make the family look better by answering the social workers questions in a way that made the family look good without outright lying. I wear so many hats that I’ve forgotten what it is to just be myself with no obligations for five minutes. And tomorrow I need to represent my family at the usual Sunday family lunch at my grandparents house, after which I will be heading straight to spend the afternoon and evening with my mother. Plus all the household stuff, and play with my niece when she gets back from her dad’s. My poor dogs barely get to see me. Oh and my insurance runs out tomorrow officially so I will have no insurance until I can get it all sorted with the taxes.

[heartbrokenhowl]

Fuck last week was rough and the weekend was rough and this week is rough and it’s only monday fuuuuuck

I need to stop forgetting my meds

But also, damn it be lonely sometimes yeesh

[bobby-does-da-robby]

Worse

I was getting better over the course of the last 3-4 years. I was dealing with my mental issues one by one and people were getting closer to me. I was finally... feeling like I may one day feel any sort of happiness again.

Why am I now doing worse than I have at any point in the last 7 years? I- I just. I don't know. I just wanna be slightly better. My ADHD makes me so fucking dysfunctional and chaotic sometimes. Meds not working. People like me a lot. But never love me, platonic nor romantic.

I just wanna be better. But it just doesn't seem to be allowed. If a god, or gods, or really anything supernatural exists... I fucking hate you. I've tried to be good to others. I've done what is necessary in an attempt to be better. I work so fucking hard. But it just won't be. I will never off myself. But every waking moment I want to. I want to be dead. I fear nothing more than death. But holy shit is stepping into that fear so much better than this fucking shit. Regardless I won't. Not now not ever. But fuck.

[skidcd-megamix]

DAY 13 guys her room would be ATROCIOUS

[userarmand]

[feral-geges]

huang junjie - OK! China

[dxxtruction]

Louis' "You're boring!" Could mean so many things, but I think what's most apparent about that line is that Armand takes no initiative just for himself. He's not really anybody, because he never goes out and finds himself or gets attached to anyone but Louis. Without Louis as his guide he's literally just sitting on a couch picking lint! That's the thing.

He orbits constantly around what would make Louis happy, and never really fully going what would make me happy? Ultimately that drive to please Louis is what drives him to torturing Daniel, not so much that he'd care to just do it. Ultimately, not giving proper care to Louis is just a way to make sure Louis knows he has to orbit around him as well, with shoving Lestat onto him just that other nail on the coffin. So, even if he fails to figure out how to make Louis happy with him, he still knows what Armand is good for, and better than.

That dependency is what drives Armand's abuse. It really just comes down to that. Armand doesn't even realize how suffocated he is by his own dependency. This is just how life is to him. (It shouldn't be lost either that dependency is a theme considering this episode also deals with addiction).

Daniel's fascinating because he's just so driven to be somebody. He's largely independent, he seeks things because he wants them. It's his drug to poke and prod at all the things that he shouldn't. Daniel's exciting because he lets Louis in to something different, lets him in to all this potential in another person that he can also do the same with for himself. It's a real connection. A two way street. It's easy to tell how Armand can be smothering then because he's never introducing him to anything really new, and most the ways both of them connect are all painful and traumatic. It's never just fun because there's always that layer of that pain. Fun died with Claudia.

50 years on they've gotten to a lot better place, both of them, but it's still that same shit. No seriously, "How is this any different from last time, Louis?"

Well... Because Armand's going to be, at the very least, making one [1] decision only for himself - and that's to hold power over Daniel's life. Fucking sick foreshadowing.

They aren't driving each other to the brink anymore but "The vampire is bored" STILL. Maybe it's even worse, despite being in better places, because Louis' sort of just been defeated by it. (I mean, can he even really leave this either?). He's accepting the dependancy cause he kind of has to. He'd literally ended up letting all the enjoyment be up where he can't reach [The book shelves]. Armand so desperately wants Louis happiness but what really ends up happening is that Louis ends up having to give Armand all his own. He's got no one or anything else to get it from. But like an iPad and an over the top eating ritual. Two extremes of what's just more lint picking.

This whole relationship is one I find just tragic inside and out. You have to just pity it, really. There's ways in which you can find yourself feeling bad for both of them. But you can only really be mad at Armand for any of it. Armand, who isn't even 'free' in any sense, having so little concept of his own independence, but is at the same time so controlling over other's. It's a tragic cycle. It's an infuriating one.

Louis at least has the mind to know when enough is enough. If just needing that extra push to get there. Armand's too scared of it being over to even try.

[luck-of-the-drawings]

OH ARTHUR BENNETT.. such a gorgeous and intriguing character. terribly burdened by a GRUESOME set of crimes, his light suffocated by a HEAVY century of GUILT. so tragic, so dark and broody, and yet PAINFULLY awkward in any social setting ever

[turtleblogatlast]

Thinking about the Don Suave scene and what it means in terms of LGBTQ+ representation because my brain does nothing if not torment me with random topics to ramble about on the regular.

Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about why I like the scene but to get it out of the way - the scene can very easily be interpreted in so many different ways, and all of them are valid. I personally see it as Leo having at least some attraction to a man. And the following is an explanation of my own interpretation and thoughts on it and what it means especially for Leo’s portrayal in the grand scheme of things.

Long-winded interpretation under the cut!

Now, to start with, it’s important to me that in the scene Leo looks at Don Suave in the very beginning and then for the entirety of the rest of the time the man is on screen, Leo’s eyes are closed. Yet, in the end, he is still visibly enamored with Don Suave, happily cuddling up to him as he’s being carried away.

You can very easily interpret this as Leo being spellbound and that’s honestly super valid and I believe he likely was at least somewhat in the beginning, but considering how fast he looked away and how he never looked again, I personally think it makes more sense to read it as Leo just finding the man attractive, at least somewhat. (For the record, I personally headcanon Rise Leo as bisexual with a heavy preference for men, but I want to be blunt when I say that any interpretation is valid. Literally any. Ace, pan, gay, bi, none of the above or a mixture of something new literally all of it is more than okay and fair. Hell you could even interpret this entire scene as more romantic attraction than physical and it would still work. Anything goes!! Don’t bother people, guys, really.)

The main reason I take this scene to be at the very least LGBTQ+ adjacent isn’t just because of how it’s portrayed, but because of who Leonardo is. Not in terms of Rise of the TMNT, but in terms of the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles™️ franchise.

Leo’s a character who, while changing with each iteration, has still at his core been around for decades upon decades as “the blue one”. One fourth of the team. He’s the one most are going to look at as the Leader, and oftentimes he is the one closest to having the title of Main Character. Not to say the others aren’t just as important, but Leo’s presence in the A plots of basically all TMNT media is often something very main character-esque.

And that’s very, very important to note. Here we have a Main Character of a prolific and decades long-running franchise distributed by a children’s television network. You can play around with his and his brothers’ characters all you like, but there is always going to be challenges to dodge around, especially since this was still in 2018-2019.

For example, you can play around with their designs so long as they’re color coded turtles, but their sexualities? Now that’s tricky.

“But what about Hypno and Warren?” Not main characters and also they’re Rise originals. They have a lot more room to play around with than a character like Leo does. But even talking about main characters in the franchise, you could arguably have an easier time playing around with Donnie or Mikey’s sexualities than Leo or even Raph, as (unfortunately) the former two tend to get more B plots, so they’d likely have had a little more leeway (still not a lot though.)

So, where does this leave us?

It leaves us in a place where outright stating and/or showing undeniable proof of Leo’s attraction to men is very, very difficult. So, workarounds!

Workarounds like the entire Don Suave situation.

To be honest, as left up to interpretation and lowkey and deniable as it is, this whole scene means a lot to me because of who Leo is as a character. It’s just nice when we get so see even the bare bones of representation with characters that have been such a large part of pop culture for decades, y’know? Even if more would be so much nicer, this is better than I thought we’d ever get for these boys.

And, again, literally nothing I’ve said is the only way to interpret it, I’m more than happy when people interpret media on their own honestly, it’s just something I’ve been thinking of lately and I was wondering if others felt the same way.

Whatever you think when you interpret this scene or Rise Leo as a whole, I just thought this would be interesting to think about, even if it was ramble-y, haha.

[bitteninthebuns]

[brainlessbaguette]

Finished this doodle way sooner than expected but seriously who dressed Finn in the new show. I don't know whether to be scared or proud. This is our boy that wouldn't wear the lady armour even to save himself! (Note I have no idea what's happening in Fionna and Cake, it might not be OUR Finn, but still the statement stands)

LOOK AT HIM! THE JEANS ARE ROLLED UP! I LOVE IT!

Also a moment to appreciate the fact that the moment adult Finn puts back on the hat it looks like the same boy face we know + a fake beard slapped onto a GIANT man body. I think all the other times we've seen him older he wasn't wearing the exact same hat, and I now understand why. It's just so silly.

[figofswords]

i know ive made myself the #1 izutsumi stan in the eyes of all of my friends and probably some of you online people but what if i became a mithrun stan. there is something about him that compels me. i just want to *clenches fist* put him on the drying rack. lovingly stick him into a tupperware for later. make him into. a broth of some sort. do you understand

[batfambrainrotbeloved]

Thought popped in my head an won’t leave. Stress causes white hair, an timmy is under a heap of stress. What if he started going gray at an early age? He prolly doesn’t get them a lot but they’re still there. First one he found maybe at 14?15? And he just.

From then he just dyes his hair black. Even if it’s just 1 gray hair.

I find the thought of him having a break down a singular gray hair hilarious.

Genuienly?? if DSB Tim found a grey hair in his head he would curl in a ball and cry at the idea of needing to keep matinence to keep it hidden

His whole thing is "Im juggling so many balls one more will fuck me up, or i might drop another" this would be another ball for him to juggle and even if its not THAT big of a deal- hed say "Fuck it" and leave the hair

(Also while I absolutely ADORE this concept (also cuz its hilarious as hell) probs wont be canon for DSB purely because giving him grey hair would be allowing him to age, which he hasn't earned that right- yet)