#sitting all day every day is making me gain crazy amounts of weight too

[feralgremlinchild]

Just spent the past hour crying. That’s the first time I’ve let myself cry for more than twenty minutes in over a year. Normally I’d talk to someone, but i only have two friends and I don’t hear from them often these days. Even then, only one of them is the kind of person I can talk to about heavy things. If I just stopped responding, I’m not sure either of them would notice. Haven’t talked to one of them since July. At this point I think it would be easier to just have no friends. Having no one to talk to would be easier than messaging someone and not hearing back for a week. I’m spending most days visiting my mother in the neuro rehab facility anyway. She’s been in hospital and neuro rehab for a month now. I spend a minimum of 4 hours every day with her, 8 hours if I don’t have any appointments. We talk more and more about things, so it’s not like I’ll be alone. I’m never alone anymore, not really, always someone needing my attention at home too. I’ve been prioritizing my mother and my niece and the dogs and doing whatever I need to do or am asked to do. Pushing any personal thoughts aside for an entire month. They’re starting to creep through in quiet moments. I daydream as much as possible but sometimes the quiet comes anyway. Once a week I let myself have a thought or two. Even in therapy twice a week, I speak about things but I don’t feel them. I’m just providing information. I’m not attached to it. My therapist is letting me keep this up for now bc I’m somehow not feeling like hitting the eject button on life and eventually my mother will come home again. And then I can maybe let myself have thoughts regularly. This post right here is the most I’ve allowed myself to think in weeks. Everyone keeps telling me how great I am and how helpful and sweet and wonderful and the good daughter and calling me a blessing and thoughtful. And I don’t feel it. I’m just doing things that are needed. I am detached from most of them. Am I still a good person if I’m just doing what needs to be done? We’ve all got jobs to do. I’m not doing it to be thoughtful or sweet, I’m doing it bc it will help or fix a problem or make my mother feel better. I sat through a two hour meeting with cps because I was asked by my mother to be there bc I’d provide an idea of stability and make the family look better by answering the social workers questions in a way that made the family look good without outright lying. I wear so many hats that I’ve forgotten what it is to just be myself with no obligations for five minutes. And tomorrow I need to represent my family at the usual Sunday family lunch at my grandparents house, after which I will be heading straight to spend the afternoon and evening with my mother. Plus all the household stuff, and play with my niece when she gets back from her dad’s. My poor dogs barely get to see me. Oh and my insurance runs out tomorrow officially so I will have no insurance until I can get it all sorted with the taxes.

[hungry-eel]

"The biggest gacha game glutton doesn't exi-"

I am still very new when it comes to granblue fantasy, and as of right now I do not know all that much about the series, and I still won't know that much given that its a pretty old game that I can't access, and haven't head of any recent updates as far as I know. So because of that among other things, I hadn't really known about Cassius or his event story. (Correction: the game is still active and getting updates, just not as much on Cassius)

It wasn't until I was scrolling through some tumblr blogs (which @askbloatedbellyblog thanks for sharing the post that sent me down a spiral) and once I discovered about Cassius and his event story I was hooked! Not only is it one of the only visual novel/gacha games that I have seen so far that actually has visuals of the actual weight gain itself, but its also not done as a one time gag either and we get prolonged scenes of Cassius' overweight state. The story itself is also so good in my opinion! Although the actual content itself my not cater to everyone and their desires, for me, I think the story is one of the best!! It fulfills all of my stuffing fantasies and desires, watching him endlessly devour and gorge on everything that is around him, and finding enjoyment in doing such as well!

No joke, I was so invested in this character and his event story that for a good portion of time that was all I could think about! I wouldn't be surprised if this becomes a bit of a mini hyperfixation for me.

To know more about my research on Cassius himself and his gluttonous pursuits, he is fairly new to the setting as he came from another world, and is leaning to discover both this new world, and how everything works. Along with such he applies ration and logic to everything with very little emotions, isn't surprised by much, thinks very literal mindedly, and comes across as childish and naïve.

His other most notable feature is his HUMONGOUS apatite, and how he is able to eat much more than the average person. He has a very high metabolism so he is able to eat in mass quantities without risking his heath or gaining weight. However, during the Ramen Travels event, he manages to eat so much and in such crazy amounts that not even his metabolism could keep up with him, leading to his eventual weight gain.

Although his original purpose was to try out various ramen noodles, his pursuits evolve into eating everything that he can as much as he can. To give a bit of a perspective how much he actually eats during this event, he hits up multiple desert stalls, wins a food eating contest, tries various kinds of ramen, eats entire menus in restaurants including the main courses, drinks, and deserts, eats whole dishes made to serve a family of six in one sitting, and repeats that behavior consistently every day for weeks on end.

Another part of his endless gluttony is also how Cassius also took the term "There is always room for desert" too literally and came to the belief that no matter how much he eats, there will never be enough food for him to eat, and that there will always be room in his stomach to eat and try more foods.

When it came to his eventual weight gain, although the people around him are concerned about his overall heath encouraging him to lose the weight, Cassius himself doesn't mind the weight gain at all and if anything he actually enjoys it, believing that the feeling itself is satisfying, and that the more weight he puts on the more room he will have for food.

This is a man where if he is not calculating and questioning the things around him, the only other thing that is on his mind is food, and although it may make him seem one note, I find this aspect of him to be a really charming trait of him, especially these are traits that he fully embraces, and not even afraid of gaining weight, which is an unusual trait in other foodie characters.

It honestly saddens me to discover that Cassius barely gets any recognition in general, especially compared to the other characters that I enjoy, and now because he hasn't had that much new content in a long while, he has only barely had any new posts and content made on him in years, so I thought if there was anyone who could bring this wonderful character back in the spotlight, even for just a brief moment, I might as well do so.

Last thing, but if your ever wanting to read the full story for yourself, here is the link to the video down below. Know that the video is incredibly long, but is absolutely worth the watch!

[atinymonster]

tears and kisses

ateez 9th member.

when jiyu and sunwoo are given the chance to make up with one another.

the way i sort of got carried away but hehe it’s okay 🥺

➴ taglist: @banhmi07, @jiyeons-closet, @jaeminpeachy, @mochibabycakes, @euphoriamingi, @marsophilia, @goddessofdestructionbeast, @studioreader, @dkdlwhs12

➴ masterlist

"Wait, this is a horrible idea, Eric.”

“No it’s not, calm down Sunwoo. You look like you’re about to puke,” Eric rolled his eyes at his friend’s dramatics.  

“Because I am!” Sunwoo whisper-shouted as to not distract their manager who was currently driving them. 

A week had passed with no signs of reconciliation between Jiyu and Sunwoo. Which meant a week of Eric and the other boys dealing with a sulking and brooding Sunwoo who scrambled for his phone at every notification that he received. Even during the live broadcast for Kingdom, his members could tell how much he wanted to approach Jiyu, but his hesitance held him back. 

Eventually, he decided enough was enough for the sake of not only Jiyu and Sunwoo, but for the sanity of everyone else who so desperately wanted the two to make up. 

“Alright guys, we have a plan!” Eric and Haknyeon suddenly declared in the middle of their dorm living room. 

“What plan?” Hyunjae asked before a lightbulb went off in his head. “Oh, for our brooding rapper over there?”

Eric nodded. “Precisely.”

Sunwoo rolled his eyes, yet he couldn’t ignore the small spark of hope that ignited in his chest. He had been wracking his brain all day for the past week on how to apologize to Jiyu, but he was afraid she was still angry with him despite her small smiles and encouragement towards him during the recent Kingdom live broadcast. 

“I texted Wooyoung, and he said everyone else was willing to help us. Without Jiyu’s knowledge of course.”

“What if she’s still angry at me?” Sunwoo groaned, burying his head into his hands. The closer they were to arriving at KQ, Sunwoo felt the stress and anxiousness weighing down on him even more. 

Eric stifled his chuckles. According to Wooyoung, Jiyu worried about the exact same thing, which was the main reason why neither of them were able to make the first move to reconcile. “Wooyoung told us Jiyu wasn’t angry anymore. He said she was feeling regretful if anything.

And he was right. Despite Jiyu’s attempts to try and act like her normal, everyone could tell her mind was elsewhere with the amount of spacing out she’s done.

The recent offline fansign they had was the hardest for her, having adorable comments about Sunwoo being thrown at her so often. All she could do was smile as a response, even if all she wanted to do was break down and cry. The boys all took turns looking out for her, and they felt a pang of guilt whenever they overheard an ATINY talk to her about Sunwoo.

But what could they do? Nothing. Jiyu had told them numerous times that she didn’t want to raise any suspicions, and that she didn’t want to bring the mood down since it was their first time seeing ATINY in person after a whole year.

The boys hated seeing her so lifeless and saddened when they didn’t have any schedules, so when Wooyoung received a text from Haknyeon asking for their cooperation in getting the two together again, he wasted no time informing the others (minus Jiyu) and gaining their approval.

“So what choreography are we learning today?” Jiyu asked, plopping down onto the floor while waiting for Wooyoung to choose a song on the practice room monitor.

Every so often on their free days, the two would take the time to learn another group’s dance together for fun and to keep their dance skills sharp. Not that Jiyu minded; dance was an escape for her, and she could really use a dance session at the moment to clear her head. 

Wooyoung knew that, so he used the dance session as a way to try and lift her spirits, as well as a way to keep her in the room so she didn’t bump into Sunwoo prematurely.

“I’ll teach you Don’t Call Me! I need a buddy to dance with and we can record it to show ATINY later,” he answered, peeking at his phone every so often to keep an eye out for a text from one of the others to let him know when Sunwoo would arrive.

[hongjoong] is everything okay so far?

[wooyoung] yep! she’s still with me in the dance room :)

[san] great! now let’s all pray the two of them make up soon...i don’t like seeing baby monster so sad :(

[yeosang] yeah, it’s weird when she’s all frowning and not her usual bubbly self

[hongjoong] i know, it’s weird not having her voice resonate through the dorm everyday...

[hongjoong] anyways, we’ll direct sunwoo to practice studio 2, so send jiyu there too when we text you again later

“Who are you texting?”

Wooyoung felt his heart stop the moment he looked up and saw that she was about to peer over and read the text messages. Turning off his phone, his mind was scrambling for a valid excuse. 

“Nothing, San just started spamming me with messages again,” he chuckled, letting out a discreet sigh of relief when she believed him. “Come one, let’s start!”

Jiyu’s ability to quickly pick up choreography was both a blessing and a curse. This was one of the rare times where Wooyoung found it a curse. She was able to learn the first verse all in ten minutes, and Wooyoung only learned up to the end of first chorus to teach her. At this rate, they were most likely going to finish before Sunwoo even arrived.

“Okay, let’s take a break? I’m sure your body still hurts from practicing for Kingdom.” Wooyoung said, trying to mask how frantic he was. Luckily, she agreed, sliding down the wall and resting her head in his shoulder before letting out a sigh.

“Feeling okay?” he asked, patting her head.

“If I’m being honest, not really. I just...miss him,” she quietly admitted, her chest tightening as various emotions began to overtake her mind. She never talked to any of the boys about how she was really feeling, not wanting to burden them with her personal problem. While she was extremely grateful that they tried everything within their power to cheer her up, she didn’t want them to feel obligated to stick with her every second of the day just to make sure she was okay. 

Wooyoung bit his lip. He felt a sense of guilt for not being able to tell her that Sunwoo was on his way over as they spoke. “Do you want to talk to him?” 

Jiyu touched her now-empty wrist, missing the weight of the bracelet that she had thoughtlessly left behind at Sunwoo’s studio. “I won’t lie, I do want to talk to him again...but does he want to talk to me is the real question.”

Before he could reply, he heard his phone’s ringtone go off—his cue to send Jiyu to meet Sunwoo. His heart started to pound in anticipation for the moment they’ve all been waiting for. Fishing out his phone from his jacket pocket, he couldn’t stop the small smile that spread across his face, a smile that didn’t go unnoticed by Jiyu.

“San again?” she giggled, completely unaware of who and what was waiting for her just down and around the corner of the hall.

“No, uh, Seonghwa hyung wanted to do a VLIVE, but the wifi connection’s acting up again. Can you run over to practice studio 2 and help him out?” he asked, mentally apologizing to Seonghwa for hinting that he was an old man for not knowing how to fix a simple wifi connection (when in reality, he most likely knew how).

He must’ve been blessed with luck for the day because Jiyu agreed without hesitation or suspicion, mumbling about how she swore she showed him how to reset it a few weeks ago. 

A few minutes after she left, the practice room door opened and the others, along with Eric, quietly filed into the room to join Wooyoung in anxiously waiting for the outcome of their little plan. 

“Mission accomplished!” Yunho whisper shouted with a little grin. 

“We can’t say that yet. Not until we know if they made up or not,” Seonghwa reminded. Deep down, he was worried for Jiyu. Should the outcome be one that they weren’t hoping for, he knew Jiyu would be strong, accept the results, and push through. But how would she really feel deep down?

It was a mutual concern of their’s. They knew Jiyu would never want to worry them, they knew she’d just keep how she really felt to herself if things went downhill, so they really hoped with all their heart that everything would turn out alright for her. She couldn’t lose another person she loved, it wouldn’t be fair for her.

While the boys were waiting in the practice room, Jiyu made her way down to the studio. It was odd, Seonghwa never mentioned anything about a VLIVE today, but given how often she’s spaced out the past few days, she wouldn’t be surprised if his notification went in one ear and out the other.

“Seonghwa? I thought I showed you how to reset the wifi—”

The words died in her throat when she opened the door and instead of seeing Seonghwa, she saw the one person she’s been missing like crazy. She was convinced it was a hallucination that her mind had conjured, or that she was dreaming. 

“No, no, shut up mind, you’re not doing this to me right now,” she mumbled to herself with her eyes closed, about to close the door and open it again in hopes that she’d see Seonghwa instead of Sunwoo sitting at the monitor table. 

“Hey, hey.”

Before she could close the door, Sunwoo held it open before pulling her inside and closing the door. 

And that’s when it hit her that he wasn’t a hallucination. She felt the warmth of his hand on her’s when he pulled her in, and she felt his body’s warmth and his breath on her shoulder when he pulled her in for a hug the second the door closed. 

Sunwoo noticed how she tensed when he brought her into his arms, and a pang of sadness shook within his chest. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, feeling his eyes water. He tightened his hold on her, afraid that she would disappear if he loosened his grip. 

Feeling his body tremble, her arms moved on their own, gingerly wrapping themselves around him and her hands drawing small, comforting circles on his back. Tears pricked at her own eyes but she refused to let them fall. 

Basking in the warmth of each other’s arms, no words were exchanged. They just silently rocked side-to-side as Jiyu tried to comfort the boy in her arms. 

Despite her calm exterior, she was a mess on the inside. Her heart was pounding in her chest from having the presence and warmth of her beloved back while her mind tried to find the words to say. 

“I’m sorry, too,” she managed to say even though her voice started to crack from trying to keep her tears in. There were so many things she wanted to say, but she couldn’t bring herself to.

Lifting his head from her shoulder, tearily chuckled before bumping foreheads with her. “Hey, don’t cry.” he mumbled, feeling his heart break at the sight of her crying. He’d never seen her cry before, not even on the night of their fight. 

But his words seemed to only encourage her tears and before she realized, she felt the tears slipping down her cheeks and the small sobs wracking through her body. She felt relief crash into her; relief that this all wasn’t a hallucination or a dream, and relief that he wasn’t there to break up with her.

Sunwoo sniffled before stroking her cheek to wipe away the river of tears, all while gently shushing her and whispering words of comfort. Once he felt her breath start to even out again, he guided her to the chairs and sat her down in one while he sat on the other. Jiyu couldn’t look at him, but the tight grip of her hands on his conveyed everything.

“I’m sorry for that night,” he quietly said, rubbing circles on the back of her hand with his thumbs, “I should’ve just asked you about it rather than assume and take out my anger on you like that. And—” 

He paused, feeling his throat tighten as he remember all the horrible words he said. “I’m sorry for accusing you of being unfaithful. I really don’t think of you like that, I swear.”

Jiyu cupped his face in her hands and raised his head so he was looking at her. His bambi eyes were now filled with tears again, and it sent ripple of sadness throughout her chest. “It’s okay, I forgive you,” she cooed, using her thumbs to wipe away the stray tears that escaped his eyes.

“And I’m sorry for lashing out at you, too...and for saying things would’ve been better if we broke up.”

Sunwoo didn’t respond, but the way he nuzzled his face further into her hands answered for him, and she let out a little giggle. He felt the corners of his lips tug upwards at the sound of her laughter; he had terribly missed the sound. 

Another moment of silence passed before Jiyu started to speak again. “My brother’s my only family left.”

Sunwoo’s eyes widened before they wandered to find her own. Taking her hands away from his face and resting them on his own again, she took a deep breath before continuing. “My parents died in an accident when I was three. Jiyong and I were the only survivors so we were sent to Guangzhou to live with our grandparents. That’s why we’re so affectionate with each other...we’re all we have left here in Korea.”

No matter how many times she spoke of her family, it never got easier. There was still the stinging pain in her chest, the guilt she carried around for years always started to resurface, and the anxious feeling that the person would think less of her when they found out about her broken family.

But Sunwoo just brought her in for the tightest hug he’s ever given her and buried his face into the crook of her neck. He knew she didn’t tell him that to make him feel worse about himself, but it still broke his heart when he realized he had accused her of cheating when in reality, she was with the only family she had left. 

Countless apologies left his lips as Jiyu carded her fingers through his curly hair. No matter how many times he heard her whisper that it was okay, it didn’t ease the guilt that consumed his mind.

“I told you because I trust you. You didn’t even know, so please don’t blame yourself.”

It took a few minutes for her to soothe him, but she didn’t mind. She missed hugging him, she missed feeling his body against her’s, she just missed him. Too busy caught up in her thoughts, she missed how he fumbled around for something in his pocket before feeling a cold sensation wrap around her wrist. Looking down, she couldn’t control the smile that grew on her face when she saw the familiar white bracelet. 

“I think this belongs to you, lovebug” he chuckled, satisfied when he saw a genuine smile instead of the forced ones she gave him during the live broadcast.

Her heart swelled with happiness at the nickname that she thought she’d never be able to hear again. “Thank you, sunshine,” she returned the nickname, an indirect reassurance that they were okay, that everything was okay. 

With him still hugging onto her, she leaned down to place a quick kiss on his cheek, laughter rumbling from her chest when he started pouting and claiming she missed.

“I don’t think I missed, Woo—” 

Before she could even finish, she felt him swiftly readjust their position so that he was pressing her against the chair, his hands firmly pressed onto the armrests to keep himself up. “I think you did, love,” he smirked before leaning down and pressing his lips against her’s.

It wasn’t their first kiss, but she still felt the volcano of butterflies erupting, fluttering around in her stomach. She wrapped her arms around his neck when one of his hands gently grabbed onto the side of her neck. 

Pulling away, Sunwoo placed one last kiss onto her forehead before getting up and offering his hand out to her. “Come on, let’s go tell everyone the good news,” he giggled. It always threw her in for a loop at how he could switch from looking like he wanted to devour her back to an adorable puppy in a few seconds, (although Sunwoo could say the same about her). 

Taking his hand and letting him hoist her up, she held him back before he could walk towards the door. Looking back and cocking his head to the side, he swore his heart almost stopped when she smiled up at him. 

“I love you, sunshine,” she said, her aura resembling a puppy that had it’s tail happily wagging.

Eyes filled with adoration and affection, he smiled before leaning down to peck her lips one last time. “I love you, too lovebug.”

[chubmins]

candy bear, sweetie pie (i wanna be adored)

cw: feederism, belly kink, weight gain, burping, brief mention of body image regarding jimin’s family, streamer!jimin. 

“hello there... it’s manggae.” 

jimin’s voice was low, almost a whisper, as he laid back on one of his hands and appraised the rapidly growing influx of messages on his live’s chat. they weren’t quick enough that jimin would lose track, but nowadays he would have to scroll back up to catch something he missed a few times. his audience had been growing. 

“you missed me? cute. it’s only been a week.” his full lips stretched in a smile his viewers would be able to see and fawn over. jimin always positioned himself carefully, camera catching him perfectly from the lips down — not because he didn’t want the audience to see his face, they had seen him a handful of times now, but because he wanted his body to be the main focus. 

and his body explained why his nickname on the streaming website was manggaetteok. 

jimin had always liked to eat. growing up in an extremely rich family, food had never been an issue — until it started being taken away from him by parents and nutritionists who believed his chubby cheeks were something to be ashamed of. jimin spent his teenage years on diets, pills and stinky gym bathrooms. he almost started hating his body as much as his parents did. 

until he moved out. was moved out, to be more precise — an apartment bought for him in the heart of gangnam, too big for just one person, way under-decorated to look like a homel. jimin was twenty and out of his parents' claws for the first time in his life. 

it didn’t take him more than a year to figure out the most crucial things about himself: he prefered boys over girls, silk robes and lace over black pressed suits, and he very much prefered to stay home and order food to going out to a new bar every friday night.

jimin turned into the perfect definition of a homebody; and, soon enough, of a foodie. 

he didn’t hold back when it came to food, and the results of his indulgence after years of restriction showed on his body rather quickly. at least his parents were right about one thing — he really was prone to gaining weight, and a lot of it. 

sitting now on the floor of one of the three bedroom’s in his apartment, the one he had slowly decorated to be his streaming studio, jimin weight gain is nothing if not noticeable. nicely placed down on his fluffy baby pink carpet with thighs spread as wide as they would go, his belly hanged almost touching the floor. it looks so soft and pudgy now, bulging forward in an almost perfect round dome even when it’s empty. he has pink stretch marks from the top of his jiggly thighs to right under his belly button, which has gotten deep enough for jimin to fit and poke his entire pinky finger inside. his flabby tits rest nicely on top of his swollen gut, round puffy nipples a pretty light brown on display. 

“remember when i’d dress up all cute and pretty for these lives?” jimin practically purred at the camera, both hands heading to his breasts so he could squeeze and jiggle them while chuckling. “my bras don’t fit me anymore… i need to buy new ones.” 

as if on cue, the silent notification bar that signaled new donations started popping up repeatedly, each time with a different amount of the website’s currency he’d get to convert to real money later. jimin chuckled again, he knew how to play this game too well. he had indeed grown out of most of his fancy silk and lace lingerie, but he also didn’t want to repeat the same ones he’d still fit into. that being said, he had decided on his fit for today as being a pair of baby blue silk shorts that barely covered his ass when he stood up, and a matching silk choker with a small emerald pendant.  

“well, well, look at that! seems like i’ll have some new lingerie to show you guys soon.” His hands moved away from his body before he could get too excited, and moved towards the tray he had off camera. 

with a little bit of maneuvering, he pulled the traw towards himself until it was in between his massive thighs and the camera, positioned just so that his body wouldn’t be too covered up and his belly would still be on display. 

“as you can see” jimin praticaly purred, “i followed your requests and got a full american breakfast. there are pancakes,” he pointed at each and every item as he spoke, mouth watering just thinking about how he was finally going to eat “eggs, sausages, muffins, bagels and a berry smoothie.” 

that was probably enough food to feed a family of four — the chat flooded with excited messages of how they couldn’t wait to see jimin eating it all. at first his viewers’ excitement would startle jimin a bit, but now? now he lived for it. 

after all, he’d always get as excited as them. 

“should i start with the pancakes? they’re still warm.” he asked, reading all the messages he could, all of which were encouraging him to start eating.

jimin reached for the pancakes. there were six of them in total, fluffy and golden brown with melted butter running down on all sides. jimin’s fork was quick to make work through the first three layers as he balanced the plate on top of his belly, and once the big bite was inside his lips he moaned unashamedly. 

“fuck… so good.” he barely finished chewing before he pushed more inside his mouth, closing his eyes in bliss. “i could eat this everyday. imagine how much bigger i’d get.” 

his viewers got off on that, as he came to learn very quickly after starting to stream himself eating. jimin’s primary goal certainly wasn’t to gain weight, but it did keep the cash coming and he didn’t mind the plushness one bit. just a small price to pay for all the food he shoved inside himself, and he did look hot with all the extra pounds. jimin continued to shove the pancakes inside his mouth, barely chewing before swallowing, moaning almost obscenely throughout the whole process. it didn’t take more than five minutes for him to polish the whole stack. 

“kinda wish i had ordered more” he pouted, putting the plate away and lightly slapping his still very empty gut. the donations started popping up again, messages telling him to order more right at that instant, to order ten times more next week. “don’t worry everyone, i still have a lot more to eat!” 

jimin reached for the bagels next — there were 9 of them in a box alongside 4 muffins of various flavours, and jimin had started alternating between them while answering some of his viewers questions. 

“last time i went on a date? that was a couple months ago, actually” he answered between bites of a blueberry muffin. “made him take me to an all you can eat buffet, ate like a pig. had to unzip my pants for dessert and all...” jimin licked his fingers clean, making a little show out of it before reaching for the last bagel and all but eating half of it in one big bite before continuing in a lighthearted tone, cheeks full. “probably freaked him out, he never called again.”

the story was only partially true — taehyung had taken him to an all you can eat buffet for their first date, but he also had called again. they were dating, in fact, but had made an arrangement to keep it from jimin’s subscribers. as much as jimin didn’t mind showing his body and face online for thousands to see, his private life remained private, and he was a firm believer that nobody needed to know his real name, the city he lived in or his relationship status. 

“i need something savory, now. those muffins were really sweet.” jimin sighed, taking a big sip from his berry smoothie. one of his chubby hands played with his belly, caressing around the belly button before lifting the fat mass and letting it fall, sighing at the way it jiggled back into place. the movement dislodged a gas bubble, and he could hear the gurgling noise coming up his throat and feel the pressure on his chest right before letting out a loud belch. 

“oh, yeah… that felt good.” another burp made its way out right then, shorter and deeper than the first one. jimin bit his lip and smiled, playing coy. “excuse me!” 

he reached for the eggs, three full plates with enough spicy sauce on top that it dripped down Jimin’s chin at his first bite. he didn’t clean it at first, too preoccupied with stuffing his face until he could barely chew with his mouth closed. jimin still had a few steps to take before he felt actually full, but his stomach definitely felt a little bit harder at the top, now. he ate the first two plates mostly in silence aside from the casual moans and loud slurps from the berry smoothie, lips feeling tingly and swollen from the spice. 

“you guys remember last time i ate this spicy sauce, right?” jimin smiled, going for the third and last plate. “that day with the ten hamburguers. i downed almost the entire bottle with them, got so gassy afterwards. couldn’t stop burping.” the memory makes his comment session go crazy, talking about how hot it was, how he should do it again. jimin chuckles, happy his viewers don’t mind how much of a pig he can be sometimes.

he continues eating, barely stopping to breathe — there’s still two dishes to get done with, and his stomach is starting to protest about the eggs he just ate.  

“hmm… tummy is talking, you guys hear that?” jimin all but shoves a finger inside his belly button, moving the digit around in a movement that could almost be considered obscene. he feels so good, exposed like this, stomach gurgling away the fullness.

the donations keep coming at a fast rate as jimin keeps eating, pace much slower than when he first started with the pancakes, lips greasy and adorned with crumbles. his hands find his belly a plethora of times, caressing the stretched out skin, pressing against the swelled up gut as he unashamedly lets out moans and sighs of pleasure. that’s how jimin, sooner rather than later, finds himself out of food to eat, only half of his smoothie left. 

“so full…” he groans, leaning back to expose his full, rounded out fat belly. it gurgles audibly then, jumping out in an abrupt movement as jimin’s lips fall open and he belches again, a long and wavering deep noise that sounds both disgusting and relieving. only then he reaches off camera for a tissue box, cleaning his fingers and then his lips and double chin, laughing as he spots some muffin crumbles on his chest and wipes them away carelessly. 

“that was so—” jimin is interrupted by a small burp, cheeks puffing up cutely. “so good. but i can’t help but feel like i could pack more in here.” he pats his belly kinda harshly, the slapping sound loud inside his room. “should i go for 10 pancakes next time? or maybe only have pancakes, a huge stack of them… ah, bet i could eat 20.” 

the chat is, as always, extremely encouraging. the donations start coming at a surprising speed again, some messages attached about how the money is for his future grocery trip and for him to buy double of everything. jimin bathes on the attention for a little longer, answering some questions while trying to soothe his ful, oversized belly, chuckling every now and then and pointing out the gurgling noises it makes as it tries to process all the food he just ate.

he was not lying, though — it does feel like he could pack more if he tried. but that’s a thought for next time, and jimin stores it for next week’s stream as he bids goodbye and claims it’s time for him to get into his food coma and digest so he can come back even fatter. 

“this has been manggae… until next time, guys!”

[billionairesitgirl]

Do you have any tips to help someone who keeps failing? I have been trying for several years now to get started and feeling more and more hopeless every year. I have attended $$$ events, lost weight, moved closer to major cities. Then of course COVID struck and made things worse. Is there something I can do that can help me gain an "in" or are certain things just not meant for some girls.

KEEP TRYING !!!

Yes i screamed it...  but that’s because thats the most important thing in succeeding.

Secondly Congrats on taking the steps and trying..... 

(THIS MIGHT MAKE MAKE YOU NEUROTIC.... If you already are then DO NOT DO THIS)

The following is also important 

1.) Have you asked your self why you keep failing?

Take a pen and paper and spend an entire day by yourself. Think, play things over in your head and Analyze.... This is probably the only time i truly suggested, over analyzing the crap out of your life, decisions, faliures and successes. 

(a) What mistakes, do you keep making? or What mistakes do you think you keep making. 

(b) what makes them mistakes 

(c) Would those actions have worked out better in something else or displayed to someone else 

(d) who and/or what would this action work on

2.) List your obstacles ... Every single one you could think of... 

Make 3 categories

 .....Obstacles you have gone through - What caused it? who caused it? (Regardless of who caused it... You owe some responsibility... so still own up to it... But remember BE KIND to yourself...) 

There is a fine line between being kind to yourself  and completely absolving yourself of any responsibility when owning up to the responsibility of things gone wrong

......Obstacles repeated - How do you NOT repeat this Again?

.......Obstacles Imagined and Obstacles that could still happen (based on different things, character flaws, finances, men’s personalities, race, looks, nature) Get as detailed as needed.  

Man plans and God unplans ... 

However, as humans we have ability to at least create contingencies... try to come up with possible contingency plan and POSSIBLE action on how to still not stand still when one of those obstacles appear... Basically figure out another way to scale through, wiggle through, swim through... whatever way (As long as there is life, health and will... there is a way.... After all people have clawed out of dungeous using only a stick or even their finger nails)

3.)  What have you tried that didnt work? or keeps failing... List it

4.) What ever #3 is that didnt work... What is the alternative that you haven’t tried. 

5.) Clearly you see this as an investment if you have lost weight, moved etc... What is missing in the picture? (I don’t know you, nor have I spent time with you or know your thinking process or views... So this is something even if you dont know what is missing... You have to sit and think... Sleep on it, give it time but remain introspective but be mindful to know when clarity presents itself. 

Being brutally Honest with yourself is the only way to know what is missing and where you are missing. 

Example: I met a gorgeous black girl A few months ago. From the get go, I knew she was hypergamous... The men also knew. But there was something missing and i couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Until we were all talking with the men present. 

She carried herself as a pretty girl, sweet and bubbly... But she made the mistake of trying to emulate the white woman’s countenance... So she could be doted on same as a white woman... I can’t explain this in detail.

But while it is good to emulate things noteworthy in other people... She lost her self and her own personal spark.  As a black woman... She avoided the pitfalls of a stereotypical black woman (quote on quote)... in the process, she mistakenly lost her goddess quality and blended in with the rest.  The men moved on from her. 

My Point is: WHAT IS MISSING... Are your run of the Mill? What is your core

6.) Standard - 

Do you have set standards? expectations of yourself and of the Men and of your surroundings?

Do you keep it? Do you up hold it or do you switch or lower it under pressure? 

Not to give too much information... I refused to live in the poor neighborhood when i moved off college campus. I lived in a condo and lived Smack in the center of the wealthy part of the city. I was not in this lifestyle then... But it was simply my standards... And even though it meant staying on campus longer till i got it... I did that.

Example 2: I have friends who do not care what hole they enter to get entertained (granted you can meet people anywhere)... But I am not the type that goes out very often... So why will i waste my few outings in some frat boys bar or club. So I go to high end places.

Example 3: I met a man who recently sold his company with upwards of $80 Million... I wasn’t told... I was aware of the process and listened to him through the proceess complain about delay in the closing and trying to avoid tax etc

He was deperate to meet me in person. As a matter of fact the day he closed. He flew me to his city (I went cause i was bored).  Long story Short... He is the type of man that got lucky... There isn’t much in terms of comparison... Thinks he knows everything, thinks himself black people’s savior and makes comments such as “If there were black women like you”...  Has some racists views he doesn’t think is racists... I met his friends... I liked one (But he just recently got remarried and was the smartest of the bunch). They had pissing games who had thr most rolex collection etc... He was crazy about me... Still is even without so much as a kiss and i spent a weekend there. (Had my own hotel room)

But, I knew while the money was there, he was generous and was crazy about me... It would drive me nuts being with him and interacting with his friends... My standard here is that I won’t deal with any man who so much as stresses me mentally especially as I am a black woman... I won’t take nonsense.

My Point is : What do you compromise on that you do? It is a long road being steadfast to your standard... But it has been worth it for me.

Do not use anyone’s standard... Create your own and work on keeping it... Men will despise you for it... But respect you all the same.... It is a weird placed to be.

7.) What type of events do you attend. When you attend events, go out etc... What do you do? How do you approach these events? Do you wing it? Do you plan it?  Are you fearless and confident or shy or just pleasant enough to exchange pleasantries alone? What vibe do you give off? 

How do you dress? Different styles can come across different ways... Some ooze Sexy, some ooze elegance with a hint of sexy, some basic, some regular, some say just another event person

8.) Closer to Major cities : what part of that do you live? Even if you are not in the center of things... Where do you go when you go out? How often to do go to wealthy areas, who do you interact with there? 

There is a plethora of questions who have to ask yourself.

With Covid I have met people (but then, I work for myself and have more freedom to move around and also take mini vacation in other cities) And I already have a network... So, I have a  leg up -  

But, I know girls here and people are also still meeting people.

What is stopping you? What avenues and methods have you tried? Have you thought outside the box? 

Hopeless? No... Wrong direction... As you fail you learn things that dont work so that should make you hopeful. 

Also, I am a big beliver in manifestation and law of attraction. Feeling hopless will only make things more hopless...It will attract more faliure...

Find ways to think more positively, ways to turn negative things into potentially positive things... In this case you do not have to be rational... Imagine everything negative happening has a positive... 

e.g  : A man cancelled on you = It wasn’t meant to be... It might have turned into a terrible situation for you... Thank God or the universe for saving you from whatever it is you arent aware of. 

eg : Covid happening : Time to make more money, invest. Brush yourself up, level up some more, learn new ways to meet this men and become more resilient so you come out fire when, the world isnt tupsy turvy

e.g : Getting older: Perfect, the more sure and certain you become in yourself, the more you actually find out what makes you stand apart, the more you find out who you are and realize that whatever amount a man was going to give you last year, you’ve outgrown it with age, maturity, acheivements etc.

You get the gist.... NEVER FEEL HOPELESS

You can feel sad... But not hopeless... Dust yourself up and try again...

Maybe one day i will take time out to share some of my own short comings and faliures... Cause i think we share the successes much more;  that people think there aren’t mistakes and faliures and short comings... I have had them, and I continue to work and fix them. 

The only thing is after my introspection... and brow beating myself and figuring it out...i don’t like to dwell on the faliures... I put my self to work updating myself. Besides I think sharing more good news brings more good news and vibes... But, there isn’t anyone that can claim to not have had obstacles and faliures.

Finally: My sister beleives everyone has a destiny... But everyone is also capable of changing theirs... 

With regards to your question...  About certain type of girls ...

The Answer is NO...

Some people might find it harder, or lack the resources and know how

But trying, pushing ones self, acquiring knowlegde and doing whatever it takes (of course within reason and comfines of morality ) Is what makes the difference.

As i write... I know women who took their entire savings to go to ST Barts for New Year...  (Would I? NO) But some would... My point is. 

You will go as far as you are capable of seeing yourself go.

So if you want a change in your pattern... You have to break the wheel... Try something new you haven’t tried yet... And a new approach. 

Question for you: “Gain an in?” Into what circle do you want an in? What type of man

#hypergamy, #datingtips #sugardatingtips #sugardatingadvice #levelup #levelupadvice #sugardatingtip #sugardating

[harryspet]

rogue angel [4] bucky barnes

[Warnings] dark bucky x reader, daddy bucky, non con forced age regression, dd lg dynamic, ab dl dynamic, drugging, fluff, play-date fun, little editing

A/N: Hope you enjoy this one! Let me know what you think! Not as smutty as the last chapter but hopefully pretty cute.

In which you go on a play-date. 

series masterlist

Like, reblog and let me know what you think!

word count: 3.4k

You saw something shift within Bucky after your escape attempt. You weren’t one for recognizing people’s emotions or even caring about them but that sad look on his face was starting to bother you. Starting. 

The thing in the back of your mind reminded you it was only his weakness but it was getting hard for you to stay strong these days. The next few days that passed were quiet, mostly because you were gagged by a pacifier and Bucky only opened his mouth to coo sweet nothings into your ear. 

Things were quiet. You had experienced silence before but not like this. This silence was serene and you even found yourself growing used to the gag. The worst part was that you started sucking on it unconsciously and, when he removed it at times, you found yourself missing the feeling. 

You were being soothed by the pacifier as you moved on your knees around the coffee table, helping Bucky put together a puzzle. A soft love song from the old days was playing in the background, only adding to the calm you felt. 

You liked the activities like this, where you felt you could still use your brain, even if it was a giant puzzle of Olaf. The movies you watched together were starting to grow on you too. He noticed you slipping into a lighter headspace but didn’t dare to comment on it. He was more subtle now, more patient than before. 

You had just put together Olaf’s nose when you felt a pressing on your bladder. It brought you out of your quiet moment as you looked up to see Bucky intensely concentrating on putting together the edges of the puzzle. 

Thinking for a moment about your plan of action, you reached over to tap him on the shoulder. He looked up, worried for a moment until he realized that you were just pointing to between your legs. He’d forced you back into the pampers after your punishment but, if you asked him nicely, he’d let you use the “big girl toilet”. 

Whatever he’d given you to make your legs weak before, he gave you again and you were learning to use your legs all over again. You could stand up on your own for a few moments but you’d end up falling down to your knees seconds later. 

“Potty?” He asked and you nodded, your cheeks heating up. You hated how you could get used to the pacifier and pigtails but not the embarrassment of him helping you in the restroom, “Okay, princess.”

He scooped you up like he always did and carried you to the downstairs bathroom. Another thing you were getting used to was his touch. As he set you down in the bathroom, your own fingers unclasped the buttons of your onesie, and you looked up to find him staring. You made a circling motion with your finger and he got the hint that you needed him to turn around. 

He did as you wanted and you took the opportunity to slip down the pamper and take a seat. You began to hum one of the songs he always played to distract yourself knowing Bucky was listening, “If I give my heart to you, will you handle it with care, will you always treat me tenderly, and in every way be fair”

You were starting to realize why people used music and movies to entertain themselves. They were a good distraction from reality. He was starting to rub off on you, Bucky could tell. 

When you were finished, Bucky turned around to help you stand up but you insisted that you could do it yourself. Bucky was practicing his patience once again. Bucky watched you struggle a bit but accomplish what you wanted on your own. You stood long enough to dress again and wash your hands but Bucky was there to hand you a hand towel. 

Then you were back in his arms again, “What do you say we finish our puzzle and then have a nap?” You only nodded, resting your head on his shoulder, your legs wrapped around his legs. It was little things like that Bucky noticed you would do that would make his heart warm. You were much more willing and accepting of affection when Bucky let you have your small amount of independence. 

Puzzlemaking really tired you out and, although you felt accomplished looking at you and Bucky’s work, your eyes felt heavy. Naps had been another thing you’d been getting used to and now your body was starting to get tired around the same time every day. 

As Bucky carried you to your room for your nap, you held onto him tight, not wanting him to set you down in the bed, “I know you’re tired, baby,” Bucky sighed, seeing how you clung to him. He wanted to be selfish and hold you longer, “When you wake up-”

You moaned in annoyance and a small smile crossed Bucky’s lips. You weren’t that tired and you wouldn’t sleep no matter how many stickers and cookies he promised you. He tried to pry you away once again but your grip was tight. It was times like this that Bucky remembered you were a soldier. 

Bucky took a deep breath before he carried you from the room. You lifted your head from his shoulder, in shock, thinking that you had won. Instead, Bucky brought you down the hall to …. his room. In the days you had been there, you hadn’t stepped foot inside. 

It was cabin style like the rest of the home but still had a modern flare. His room was simple compared to yours, a kind sized bed in the middle of the room decorated by a plaid comforter. There wasn’t much else in the room except a gigantic bookcase and doors that probably led to a bathroom and closet. 

You finally let go as he pulled back the fabric of the comforter, setting you down. Bucky was tempted to take off his shirt and shorts and sleep like he normally did but he figured he didn’t want to scare you even further. Your eyes widened as he slipped in beside you, pulling the covers over the both of you. 

This was not what you had in mind. This was worse than what he was originally going to do. 

Not wanting your back to him, you turned to face him. That might’ve been a mistake but, as Bucky’s soft blue eyes gazed into yours, you felt the same as you did at the lake that one day. Bucky’s hand found your waist and you hated how calm you felt. If there was a time to panic, this was it, yet you didn’t, “Sleep, please.”

You hesitated, huffing in frustration before you shut your eyes. Bucky watched you slip into dreamland and, he found it quite comforting watching you sleep. As soon as you were deep enough, he removed the gag around your mouth. You had been relatively good all week and he was starting to trust you again. 

What surprised him was that, as soon as the gag was gone, you replaced it with your thumb. He could watch you for hours and, until you woke up, he did. 

+

Bucky was taking you somewhere. His answers to your questions were vague but you knew you had to take the car to get there. That meant you could get a better gauge about where he was keeping you and maybe … you realized how long it had been since you thought about escaping. 

Things had been going smooth since your little nap with Bucky yesterday and, even without the gag, the words you exchanged were peaceful. If you called him Daddy, he was even more satisfied. 

Even if you did get a chance to escape, you wouldn’t want to be found in this outfit. In the backseat of the red truck, you were just a pile of frills and ribbons, a perfect daisy. Your dress was a soft yellow color and had frilly, off the shoulder sleeves in order to match the ribbons tied around your braided hair. 

Bucky handed you your snack, a sippy cup of apple juice, and a plastic bag of cheerios before closing the back door. He piled into the front seat and you stared down at the bottle. You thought he might be trying to make you gain weight or something. Every meal of the day was prepared for you plus snacks. He liked making sure you were taken care of in that way. 

You put it to your lips, sipping, as Bucky’s hand gripped the back of the passenger seat. He looked out the back window as he backed out of the driveway. As soon as you got onto the road, you asked, “I don’t understand why I can’t sit in the front,” You spoke, your voice in a sing-song tone. 

Bucky looked at you from the rearview mirror, finding it amusing how you tried to seem tough while dressed in such a cute way. He turned on the radio and they were, oldies, of course. You took in the melody as your eyes stared at the trees passing by. You could do this … you could connect the dots and figure out … 

“Daddy ...,” He looked up to the mirror to see the juice was taking its effect, your eyelids looking heavy, “I like the music … you play.”

“I’m glad, angel. Just listen to the music, we’ll be there soon.”

Your lips were pulled into a lazy smile as you leaned your head back, drinking more of your juice. 

The drugs weren’t meant to knock you out, just disorient you for a little while he drove to the city. Eventually, it wouldn’t matter if you knew where they were but, for now, Bucky thought it would be best if you didn’t. It was a long drive to the city and Wanda would be expecting them by lunch. 

The next time you could really remember anything, you were in Bucky’s arms and he was carrying you through a lobby. Surprisingly, no one even looked your way and you thought you might be going crazy. You had a feeling that if you screamed for help no one would help you. Being in public made you nervous and Bucky only gripped you tighter, rubbing a soothing hand down your side. 

A lot of people seemed to recognize him, and some even nodded their heads with respect towards him. He was a sharp contrast to you, dressed mostly in black, the only pop of color being the baby bag he was carrying. As the doors to the elevator closed, Bucky spoke, “We’re going to meet one of my good friends and her little boy. I want you to be on your best behavior, angel.” 

Your eyes widened at that and you pouted, “I don’t want to meet anybody.”

“It will be fun,” Bucky promised and the elevator stopped at one of the top floors. You passed a few white doors, labeled by gold numbers, “And you will be kind and respectful towards them. I’m sure you don’t want to have a punishment in front of them.”

You weren’t sure what you expected when Bucky rang the doorbell to the apartment and the door opened. As the brunette woman appeared in the doorway, she smiled wide and Bucky returned it, “I’m so glad you came! Come in, come in,” You took in her appearance before your face turned toward Bucky’s neck. You didn’t understand how he expected you to be comfortable like this. You’d only just gotten used to him. 

She had an accent that you placed as Sokovian and, although something about her was familiar, you couldn’t quite place it. She was dressed in a black dress and a cardigan. You took in the apartment and, although you were only standing in the foyer, you could tell the rest was luxurious. 

“Thank you for having us, I see you’ve cleaned up for the occasion” Bucky smiled, and you hadn’t realized before how charming he could be. 

It was true, the house was in tip-top shape, “The little one likes making a mess. I just sent him to his room to straighten up …” Wanda took a step towards Bucky, trying to get a better glimpse of your face, “Don’t be shy, beautiful.”

“Y/N, this is Wanda,” Bucky introduced you but you only shook your head, tucking your face back into his neck, “She’s adjusted well this week, I’d just give her a moment to warm up.”

Wanda understood. After losing both her brother and Vision, she didn’t think she’d be able to open up again, “Well, let's let the little ones mingle first. Then I can give you a tour since all the renovations are done.”

The apartment had been upgraded to a Tony Stark level of tech in order to keep her little one safe. Bucky had been interested in learning more which was another reason for the visit. Walking through the luxurious apartment made you miss the cabin. Just a little. Everything was nice here it didn’t have the same warm feeling as Bucky’s home. 

Wanda led the two of you down the hallway to a set of white double doors, and as she pushed them open, it revealed a bedroom similar to yours. Instead of the pink accents, there was blue but the same excessive amount of stuffed animals. 

“Rory, we have guests!” She called for the missing boy as all of you stepped into the room. 

Wanda knew exactly where he was. Wanda had found him homeless and displaced after the snap, stealing on the streets until she had taken him in. She knew he had a thing for enclosed spaces, they made him feel safe so when she pulled open the closet door, she found him. He was sitting at the bottom holding his “special” flashlight and he was flipping through the pages of a comic book. 

“There you are, bubba,” Wanda leaned down to his height, holding out her hand to him, “I dressed you nicely, expecting you wouldn’t wrinkle them so quickly. Come meet your new friend.”

When the boy stood up, you weren’t expecting him to be a few inches taller than her. You were expecting an actual child but, just like you, he was an adult. He was probably the same age as you too. He had a smile on his face as he looked at you and your eyebrows raised in confusion. 

Rory was dressed in a pair of navy dress shorts, held up by a pair of suspenders, and a white dress shirt decorated by small pictures of dinosaurs. He was being treated just like you were, yet he seemed happy. Wanda’s hand reached up to his back, rubbing it, “Y/N, this is Rory,” He waved to you though you didn’t return it. Had you officially lost it? “Where’s your gift for her, bubba?”

“A gift?” Bucky spoke up, “You didn’t have to, Wanda.”

“It was Rory’s idea,” Wanda insisted, as the boy turned back to rummage through the closet. It was a giraffe plushie, a yellow gift bow wrapped around it’s next. The boy came up to give it to you but, as you turned your head away, Bucky took it for you, “I told Rory about how much you like giraffes, Y/N.”

Great, that meant Bucky was telling her everything. Did she know about the kind of punishment he gave you? Did she do the same to Rory? 

“She loves drawing them and now she has a real one to cuddle with,” Bucky said gratefully, talking in the same way he did to you, “Thank you, Rory.”

Rory blushed, tucking himself behind Wanda, “Remember how shy you were when you first met me, bubba, that’s how Y/N is now. Make sure you’re nice and gentle with her, okay?”

Bucky set you down on the carpet decorated like a train track and you realized he was going to leave you there. You panicked, trying to stand up on your wobbly legs but Bucky gently pushed you back down, “D-Daddy, I-I don’t want-”

“Hey, hey, you’re okay. Daddy will be back in a short while,” He placed the giraffe plushie in your hands, “Be a nice little girl for Daddy, okay?”

He kissed your forehead and you realized how abnormal it was for you to cling to him. You hated that deep down you would rather be with him than a stranger. 

Wanda pecked Rory’s lips before she tiptoed out the room with Bucky. You watched as the doors shut quietly. Your eyes met with Rory who was standing their shyly. You looked away, taking a deep breath before you heard, “I like your dress,” Rory said, getting down on his knees beside you. It seemed he had the luxury of being able to walk, “You look like Belle from Beauty and the Beast.”

You weren’t sure what he was talking about but you thought the name suited your current situation. 

You looked him over again, his neatly combed brown hair and his golden-brown eyes. He looked like a doll and you guess that’s what you looked like too, “Who is that?”

“She’s a princess!” He rushed out, eager to explain. You backed away as he moved closer to you, “In a movie …”

“You like princesses?” You questioned, your brow furrowing. 

“I like lots of things like planes, velociraptors, the color green, sprinkles, and superheroes like my Mommy,” he continued, “What do you like?”

Again, you weren’t sure why it mattered. You didn’t answer his question and he got the hint. You looked around the room for a point of escape. The main window seemed not to even open and you imagined the drop down would be deadly, “Did you know that giraffes are the tallest mammals in the world?” You shook your head, “I read that in a book.”

Your head cocked to the side, realizing you had never thought about it, “How tall are they?” You looked down at your plushie. 

“Male giraffes can be up to eighteen feet tall,” You wondered what other random facts he knew, “I have a name idea for your plushie.”

“What is it?” You asked hesitantly. 

“Larry Longneck.”

A small smile threatened to tug at your lips, “That’s dumb.”

“Is not,” He countered. 

“It is,” You responded, “It’s not cute at all. Besides, she’s obviously a girl.”

“Lucy Longneck?”

You sighed, “Lucy sounds okay, she’ll go by her first name.”

Knowing you had chosen the name he suggested excited him, “Do you want to play veterinarian?”

“How?”

You watched as he moved to his toy chest, pulling out a fake stethoscope and thermometer. He grabbed a polar bear plushie as well and brought it to the carpet before you, “Nurse, I need you to get some water and some bandages, this animal is bleeding out,” Rory’s voice shifted into a deep, cartoonish voice, “Hurry up, we’re losing him!”

You weren’t sure how you’d get hot water before Rory grabbed your hand, folding it into a fist and turning it to the side, “Quick, pour it on, we have to clean the wound,” You tilted your hand over the bear, pretending that you were pouring a pitcher of water, “Good, now bandages!”

You thought for a moment before pulling out one of the yellow ribbons in your hair and handing it to him, “Good thinking, Y/N, you might have just saved his life,” You watched with a real smile as Rory wrapped the ribbon around the stuffed bear. Suddenly, Rory looked up with fear in his eyes, “Oh no.”

“What is it?” You asked quickly, your eyes wide. 

“The bleeding isn’t stopping …”

“We’ll have to cut him open, Doc.”

+

Bucky watched the boy and girl through the small tablet Wanda was holding. Rory already had her playing pretend with him and you had gone along with it. You looked like you were having fun, “I think she’s doing better than you think,” Wanda spoke honestly, “Maybe we should put off using my powers on her?”

Last week when you had tried to escape, Bucky seriously considered warping your reality to his favor. He could use Wanda to show you your past, make you realize that everything he claimed was true.

“I’ll give her more time.”

Wanda patted his shoulder, “She’s gonna love me and Rory by the end of today. All my Mommy friends say I plan the best play dates.”

Bucky chuckled, “I look forward to it, Ms. Maximoff.”

+

I imagine Rory as Peter Parker in my mind. I wanted to put him in the story but I couldn’t think of a way to make it work with the post-endgame plotline. 

What are your predictions for the future of the story?

[innermort]

*** disclaimer: this is a very long diary type of entry that is probably quite boring for everyone else and may be ignored. it's merely a very lenghty epiphany I just had about my life and myself and I had to type it out for me, to lock in the thoughts, if you will. it was pretty therapeutic tho. 🙃 ***

10/Sept/2021

I just had the realization that I'm in the process of redefining every aspect of my self and my life.

I quit smoking cigarettes from one day to another exactly 2 months ago tomorrow and went from a heavy to a casual party smoker.

I rarely ever smoke weed anymore (plus when I did since quitting tabacco, I rolled with herbs) and now made the conscious decision to take another long break, so it doesn't interfere with my weight loss again. I get the worst munchies and have no self control when I'm stoned. I'm talking "5000+ cals in one sitting" type of binges. I'm not tolerating this kind of self sabotage anymore.

I re-discovered edblr. Yes. I know. Not the healthiest habit to get back into but it's the only thing that has actually helped me gain the motivation and willpower to put a stop to my raging sugar addiction and instead, an actual effort into losing weight again. Besides, I'm doing it in a much more careful and "responsible" way now (high restricting, taking supplements, no strict/exact calorie limit, very light to no exercise (okay, to be fair the reason for that is mainly my injured knee but still), letting myself eat/drink more than planned if I feel my body needs it). And let's not forget that I've literally been binging every day for the past 2 or 3 months. My diet nearly exclusively consisted of chocolate, pastries and pizza. Literally. I've gained 10 kgs (22lbs) during that time. That lifestyle was just as unhealthy, if not unhealthier.

I finally got to hang up and use my calender. Due to my ADHD (self diagnosed for now), I'm very forgetful and unorganized - at least in my private life. That's why I made the decision to get a big calender which I can use as a semi To Do/Buy list and appointment/meeting/bill reminder. Since I'm glueing a sticker to each day I got through without binging, I'm looking at it pretty much every day anyways. Plus, it's a motivater to not binge (reward that inner child)! Overall, it's helping me become more organized and put together which are two areas I've been lacking in in the past years. So far, I've been mostly using my phone notes but I usually write something down and immediately forget about it if it's not a grocery list or a To Do list I'm actively working through on that same day.

I have my first appointment at a psych ward since I was a teen. It's just a phone call and first get to know conversation but it's better than nothing and more than overdue. I'm finally taking the first steps towards getting diagnosed and being eligible for therapy. I'm sick of feeling like a victim of my own brain, I just want to be better. I deserve to be better.

I'm hungry for knowledge again. I deleted Tiktok from my phone because of how big of a distraction it was and because I realized that even though I'm being bombarded with new information everyday, I'm not learning anything. Our brains can't even comprehend the amount of information given in that short time span. Nothing sticks. Sure, you find out about some pretty cool stuff on TT depending on what kinda fyp you have but for me personally, it was just hours and hours of mindless scrolling in the end. It's crazy how addictive it is, too. Even despite the fact that I was already at a point where it didn't even give me that quick dopamine quick anymore. It felt boring and repetitive and I was merely doing it out of habit.

So, I got rid off the app. I started watching documentaries again. Mostly about gut health and mental illnesses like ADHD, Autism, BPD, Narcissm etc. Like TED talks or interviews/discussions by and with professionals/experts/diagnosed people. I'm back to not just craving but actually consuming something with substance, something that gives me more knowledge and insight on a topic. Something I actually want to know more about.

I realized and accepted that even though I am a creative mind, a fully creative job might just not be for me. I'm learning that maybe I'm the type of person who does something entirely different in their free time than what they do at work. And that that's very much okay. I noticed that at my job (this was the case for every job I ever had), my mind seems to work differently. When people expect me to do something, I have the needed pressure and motivation to get it done. I could also observe in myself that at work, I enjoy organizing/sorting stuff, I'm a fast and independent learner while I'm also excellent at training new employees, I'm much more detail oriented than in my private life - overall, it came to my attention that I might not actually be the ever chaotic forgetful mess who can't form a logic thought - or I can at least recognize that this is merely a part of me and not what defines and limits me as a person. I realized I actually like straightforward work, I like working alone and I like working precisely. When I was younger I would have never used any of these traits to describe my dream career. I would gag at the idea of working an office job and now I feel like this would actually suit me very well. Especially the working alone part would mean feeling less drained at the end of a work day and still having the energy to hang out with people I actually want to see. This is an extremely valuable lesson about myself that I finally seem to have learned.

After this big sub- and now concious evaluation about myself I'm also finally taking actual steps towards a possible career. I bought a course and worked through the first 2 lectures today, taking notes and writing everything down neatly for 3 - 3 1/2 hours (in total with breaks in between). I even got a notebook specifically for this new life project. I'm excited to learn. I feel scared, too. This is something I've never done before but I'm telling myself that trying won't hurt. I have my main job as a safety net, financially nothing can happen to me. I can only learn, even if I fail. And time will pass anyways, whether I get my ass up and put in the work or continue to be unhappy with what I'm doing without trying to change anything.

Speaking of finances, I also started taking those more seriously now. I stopped using my credit card (I was in negative numbers constantly, big numbers like -300 to -800€ due to constant overspending). I set up standing orders for my monthly fixed costs to make sure bills are always paid on time. Due to my forgetfulness and ADHD freeze I would often forget to pay or postpone paying bills until the reminder came in the mail and led to me having to pay on top or generating debt. I still have a little bit of debt to pay off but it's thankfully not a dramatic amount. I also have a second bank account for savings now where I transfer 200€ to every month. Even the simple act of calculating my fixed costs to see how much I can use for what was something that was desperately overdue. What I still have to do is sort out my receipts and write everything down in a housekeeping/budget book. And my first ever tax return. I am very much dreading both of these. 😃

Anyways. Wow. I really needed to type this out. I have the very harmful tendency to look at all the negative stuff and only focus on what I don't have and don't do. I really needed to take a long, deep look at all the things I've been changing around in the past couple months. A lot of it really passed me by until now. It's crazy but I really feel like a complete failure when my body isn't looking its best and it makes me blind for everything else. So, thank you to myself for reminding me that I am actually making a lot of progress, even if it has been in areas other than my fitness and looks. They're just as important (from a healthy brains point significantly more important, obviously) and deserve to be noticed and celebrated.

Conclusion: ❤️✨YAY, ME✨❤️

[courtofjurdan]

One Chance part 17

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A/N: Hey peeps, I know it has been ages since I updated this, but here I am with an update. By the way, when you see “~”, it means its switching to past and then when you see another one, it goes back to present. And I got all my info from google and tv shows for this chapter so if it is not entirely right, I’m sorry. This is the last chapter. I have an epilogue planned also. I hope you enjoy this!

Jude felt pain ripple through her stomach and then felt wetness down her leg. She looked down expecting it her water to have broken but instead she was met with blood. As the pain intensified, the blood got worse.

“Cardan.” “Cardan!”

At that moment she realized she was at home alone. She went looking everywhere for her phone. Finally, she found it on the kitchen island, and called for an ambulance immediately. She called Cardan next telling him to either hurry and come home, something is wrong with the baby, or meet her at the hospital when the ambulance arrives.

Cardan hurried home from his job. He got there after the ambulance arrived. He went with her to the hospital and she was admitted quickly. They needed to do an emergency C-section before anything worse happens to the baby. They rolled Jude to the operation room, Cardan right behind her getting dressed in sterile paper clothes.

She gave birth to her baby, and the whole room was silent. You could hear a pin drop. Jude began asking, “Why isn’t she crying?” She looked to Cardan who had tears running down his cheeks and she knew her worst fears were being confirmed. She started to scream, “No, no, no…”

“No!

“Jude!” Cardan put his hands on her cheeks. “Wake up, baby. It’s a dream.”

Jude opens her eyes, tears falling out. Her breath coming in pants.

“Take a deep breath with me.”

Jude copies Cardan breaths. After she is calmed down, Jude says quietly, “She was dead and I couldn't do anything about it.”

Cardan knew what she was talking about. He put his hand on her very swollen stomach, “Look she's okay. You feel her kicking and moving around in there?” A nod of her head. “That means she is happy and healthy in there. There is nothing to worry about.”

~~~ Jude is 38 weeks now. She’s now very round, extremely emotional, and has crazy nightmares all the time. Cardan is always there to comfort and care for her around the clock.

Two months ago Jude and Cardan moved into the house his dad had bought for them as a gift. It was a two story house with 5 bedrooms and 3 full baths. They decided to get a house where they could live forever. A house they could fit their ever growing family.

Cardan got closer to his dad. His dad finally met him halfway into wanting a relationship with him. They met at least once a week for dinner or coffee. Cardan got a job at his company, a very good paying job. Unfortunately for Jude, Madoc still hasn’t wanted to mend their relationship, but Jude is okay with it. She doesn’t want someone that doesn’t want her.

When Christmas came around five months ago, they decided to have everyone get them baby stuff rather than presents for themselves. They basically had a baby shower for Christmas. Jude liked it because she is not a fan of planning parties or events.

It’s now the end of May, and Cardan and Jude finally graduated from college. They got to do virtual college because of the current predicament they were in. They only had to go to some classes, but mostly they did it from home. Definitely this last month, Jude just wasn’t feeling up to do stuff. She is always tired and sore, and just needs to take it easy. ~~~

Jude looked back at Cardan as he wiped her tears away and put her hand over her stomach to feel her baby kick. She repeated Cardan’s words, “She’s okay. She’s okay. She’s okay.”

Cardan kissed her cheek. And rubbed her back as Jude processed everything.

Then she grunted, “I need to pee. So help me up before I pee in the bed.”

Cardan laughed before he got out of bed and helped Jude steady her feet on the floor.

~~~ Jude has to pee a lot. Cardan swears she has to pee every 20 minutes. Which means Cardan has to help her every 20 minutes. But he doesn’t complain to her, it’s half his fault that she does, but he wouldn’t change it for the world.

Cardan never realized how hard it was on women to grow a baby. He thought they just gained weight and got tired but no, he was wrong. He didn’t know how uncomfortable Jude would be as time got closer. He didn’t realize how swollen her feet would become, how sore her back would be, the amount of loss sleep because the baby was restless or she was too uncomfortable. It made Jude so strong in his eyes.

Jude’s chosen family, Van, Liliver, and Garret, and her blood/adoptive family, Taryn and Vivivenne, were always there for her. And her family was excited to see their niece and become aunts and uncles. Her chosen family was surprised when Jude came to them and mentioned about them being aunts and uncles for her little one. She explained to them that they were more than just best friends. They were more like brothers and sisters to her. They all had an unbreakable bond with each other.

Jude and Cardan have set up the nursery. Jude insisted that she wanted a faerie book style room. And Cardan gave that to her. It’s a room any little girl would want, and when it came to Cardan, he would give anything both of his girls asked. But seeing Cardan trying to put baby furniture together was the best thing Jude has ever seen. She sat in a rocking chair every night watching him struggle, it was the best entertainment. At one point, he decided to call for backup, and Van and Garret came in and helped. So then Jude got to watch all three of them struggle together. But they eventually got it put together.

Jude has started to have Braxton-Hicks contractions for about a month and a half. Cardan hates them. Everytime she has one and she stills, he starts to freak out and Jude has to tell him it’s fine and calm down. It’s not like he feels the pain from them. But Jude is secretly happy he’s there for her and he cares so much about how she feels. ~~~ Once Jude goes to the bathroom, she asks Cardan if he will make breakfast for her. Her breakfast included popping some toaster strudels in the toaster and putting the rich icing on top. Jude basically has been craving anything sweet. So if it’s sweet, Jude wants it.

They eat breakfast and Jude decides to go to the baby room and go through stuff/ organize. She is nesting. She has gone through the hospital bag about three times already, she’s organized the kitchen several times, she cleans everything that she is able to, demanding Cardan to clean the stuff she can’t. And again, Cardan does it, because he doesn’t want to be on Jude’s bad side at the moment.

When Jude was resting from her organizing, Cardan got ready and left for work for his dad’s company. Cardan insisted that he stay with her until the baby is born but she said she would be fine alone. In the end, Liliver came over the days Cardan had to work. Liliver liked to call it their “girl time” before the baby got there.

It was about 7 o’clock pm when Jude decided to get a shower. Cardan was off at 8, and he was bringing home food which was right up her alley.

Now dressed in her pajamas, which consisted to be some stretchy legging and Cardan’s t-shirt, she made her way back to the bedroom. When she met the threshold of the bathroom and bedroom, she felt wetness run down her leg. She paused. All she could think was “Is this really it?”

She called for Liliver. “Hey, Bomb!”

Liliver was there in a couple of seconds. She saw Jude’s pale face and immediately asked, “What’s wrong?”

Jude stuttered, “Umm I- I think my water broke.”

Liliver looked down and saw the puddle of water gathered at her feet. “Oh okay, yeah. So, let’s just go sit down on the bed, I’ll clean that off the floor, and I’ll go call Cardan, okay?”

They slowly made their way to the bed. Liliver got a towel and put it over the fluid to dry it up, and got her phone out and called the man of the hour.

“Hey Cardan, I need to come home. Now.”

There was a pause. And then he seemed to find his words, “Uh, why? What’s wrong?”

“Well, all I have to say is ‘are you ready to go have a baby?’ Jude’s water broke.”

Heavy, nervous breathing came back to her, “Oh my gosh, really? Okay, okay, I’m leaving now. Is she okay? Crap, no she’s probably not okay, what am I thinking, she’s having a baby. Do I need-”

Liliver stopped his rambling, “Cardan, stop, Jude needs you to come home. Everything’s okay right now. I’ve got it handled.”

“Okay, I’m leaving right now.” With that he hung up.

Bomb helped Jude get some shoes on and braided her hair so it was out of her face. Knowing if it was down, all her hair would stick to her face from the sweat that was already starting to bead on her head as her contraction got stronger.

After she finished having one, Liliver asked, “Jude, have you been having contractions today?”

Panting, she said, “Yeah. I thought it was just Braxton-Hicks contractions, but I guess I was wrong.”

“Why didn’t you tell us? Cardan would have stayed home with you.”

Jude glared at her. “Exactly, Cardan would have stayed home and fussed over me. I don’t want someone taking care of me, I’m a big girl.” No, what Jude didn’t say is that she’s scared. And saying it aloud makes everything a reality, and she is not ready to admit that yet.

Not fifteen minutes later, Cardan comes through the front door. He walks quickly to their bedroom. He sees Liliver and Jude on the bed. The former rubbing Jude’s back through her contractions.

Cardan bends down in front of her and gives her cheek a kiss. He grabs her hand and waits till the contraction passes, rubbing small circles on the back of her hand.

When it is over with, he tells Jude, “I’m going to change my clothes real quick, and we will head out, okay?”

Jude nods her head. Cardan can tell how nervous and stressed she is.

He gets up, changes into some sweat pants and t-shirt, puts some Nike high tops on, and goes back to Jude, bending down in front of her, “Okay, you ready?”

Tears immediately fill her eyes, which isn’t a shock, she cries about everything these days, but when her body starts to shake with nervousness, Cardan knows this isn’t her just being an emotional basket case.

He immediately has his hands cupping her cheeks, “Hey Love, what is it? What’s wrong?”

A sob wracked through her, “I’m scared, Cardan, I’m so scared. What if I fail her? What if something goes wrong?”

He put his hands on either side of her stomach, “Hey I’m scared too. But guess what? We get to meet our little princess today or tomorrow, and that’s all that matters. She is going to be so loved. You’re going to be an amazing mom, I know you will be. She is going to love you so much. It’s okay to be scared, but don’t doubt yourself.” He gave a kiss on the lips. “You’re so strong, nothing is going to go wrong.”

Jude opened her mouth to reply, but at that moment a contraction hit her, and the words dissipated from her lips. But Cardan was there to rub her back, and tell her to breathe.

After it was over, Cardan grabbed the baby bag from the living room and headed out to the car with Jude. Liliver promised she would clean up a few things and lock the house before she leaves. Cardan thanked her, internally grateful for such a friend.

Cardan helped Jude into the car, and then got into the driver's seat. He blew out a big breath, and a wide smile bloomed on his face. He looked at Jude and said, “Let’s go have a baby.” He leaned across the middle and put his hand on Jude’s belly and kissed her lips excitingly. It made Jude smile right back.

The car ride wasn’t too bad. Even though Jude grunted and cursed, she didn’t complain once. She held onto Cardan’s hand while he drew circles on top of it, asking if she was okay. Which just aggravated her.

Once arriving at the hospital, the nurses took her back to a room. The room had machines, obviously a hospital bed, a chair for Cardan, and in the corner was a little bed for the baby to be checked out in. It was so surreal to them.

Cardan helped Jude change into her hospital gown, and helped her lay in the bed. The nurse came and put monitors on her stomach, one looked at the baby’s heartbeat and the other could tell when contractions came and how strong they were. The nurse then started on IV to put her on some fluids.

Doctor Tatterfell came in to check how far she was dilated. Which was a 5, she couldn’t believe she was already halfway there. Hence, she has been having contractions since this morning so I guess it does make sense.

But now, at 10pm, the contractions hurt bad. She held Cardan’s hand like it was her last lifeline. And Cardan, the ever encouraging boyfriend, let her, and he massaged her back and whispered sweet nothings about how good she was doing and how strong she is.

She got into different positions throughout the hours to try and relieve some of the stabbing pain that pursued every 5 minutes.

After finishing having one, Jude said, “Cardan, next time massage my lower stomach and my lower back at the same time. It might help.”

So that’s what Cardan did. It seemed to be the best right now to relieve some pain. Soon a nurse came in asking if she wanted an epidural which she immediately said yes.

They again checked to see how dilated she was, and they told her she was at a seven, and then they went ahead and gave the epidural.

Soon, Jude was numb from the belly button and down. Cardan held her hand as the needle went into her back. He couldn’t believe how big the needle was though, he was very nervous for her, not that he would tell her that. But she took it like a champ. Cardan let her know that much too.

Now she was laying back down, getting in a comfortable position on her side. Cardan wiped a cold rag on her forehead, she had sweat quite a bit in the last three hours.

He laid the rag down on a tray and muttered, “You’re doing so good, baby. I’m so proud of you. Rest now while you can, okay? I’ll be right here if you need me.” He was going to sit in the chair they had provided him.

Jude spoke quietly, “You rest too.” Jude ran a hand over her stomach. “I have a feeling we won’t be sleeping much tomorrow.” She smiled up at Cardan.

Cardan softly laughed and kissed her lips right before he went down and kissed her belly.

Soon they both were resting and asleep. Jude got about 2 hours when she started to feel the numbness wear off. She didn’t wake up Cardan, wanting him to get as much needed sleep as he could get.

Taryn came in while they were still sleeping. Jude wanted someone there that could document this moment, and Taryn said she would happily record and take pictures of this monumental day.

But soon, the pain increased, which means her groans of pain got louder. Unfortunately, she couldn’t keep it quiet enough, and Cardan heard it. He rushed to her side and grabbed her hand.

After the pain subsided a little, she called out, “I feel a lot of pressure, Cardan.”

His eyebrows shot up, “You feel like you need to push?”

She nodded her head.

Cardan spoke quickly, “Okay, wait just a second, let me get a nurse.”

Cardan opened the door, went out the hall a little bit and got a nurse. In no time, Jude’s team of nurses and her doctor came into the room.

Doctor Tatterfell checked her and said, “Okay Jude, when you feel another contraction go ahead and push.”

Some nurses held her legs back while Cardan held her hand and let her squeeze it to the point of it feeling like it was breaking.

After 15 minutes of pushing, Cardan muttered into her ear, “You’re doing so good, Jude. I’m so proud of you. You’re almost done.” Cardan could tell how tired she was.

She pushed again and panted, “I can’t. I can’t push anymore. It hurts and I’m so tired.”

Cardan looked past her legs and back at Jude, “Jude, honey, you can do this. She’s almost here. She’s already crowning. We just need a few big pushes, and she’s here. I know it hurts, and you’re tired, but it’s going to be so worth it when this is all done.” Tears started to well up in his eyes.

Jude put a determined look on her face and breathed in deep, and pushed.

Cardan mumbled to her, holding her hand, “Push, push, push, push. Good job, baby.”

This happened two more times, and on the third push, Jude felt relief. She then heard her baby girl crying, and her baby was placed on her chest. She gathered her up in her arms, admiring the little body that wailed with life.

She couldn’t help the tears that fell from her eyes, couldn’t help the sob that tore from her throat. She heard the nurse ask Cardan “Dad, would like to cut the cord.”

He did, and turned back to his girls. Jude heard a sob to her right, and turned her head to see Cardan with the widest smile on his face, tears falling from his eyes.

Cardan looked at Jude, kissed her forehead, kissed the baby’s head and said, “She’s so beautiful.”

Jude sniffed. “She is.”

They took the baby away to be checked by the nurses and doctors while they cleaned Jude up from the rest of the birthing part.

Taryn was still there and did her part. She took pictures and recorded like she was supposed to. She cried while she did it. This was an experience she would never forget.

They weighed the baby and checked her height. She was 7.4 lb and was 19 inches long. Born on May 28, 2020 at 1:09 am.

Soon the nurse came back over with the baby. “Okay. Here she is.” She gave the baby to Jude. “Do you plan to bottle or breastfeed?”

“I plan to breastfeed.”

“Okay then let's see how she does.”

The nurse helped her get the baby to latch, it took a couple of tries but she did it. After the nurse saw everything was going well, she left the room along with Taryn to give the family some alone time.

Cardan cupped the baby’s head as she fed from where he stood, “Jude, you baffle me. You brought this sweet baby girl into the world, and you did amazing. You did amazing carrying her for the last 9 months. And now we get a lifetime of happiness together.” He gently grabbed Jude’s chin from where she was looking at the baby so she would look at him. “Jude Duarte, marry me.”

Jude’s eyes widened and she whispered, “What?”

“You make me the happiest man in the world. I want to live with you forever, I want to raise our children together as husband and wife. I want to attempt to be the man you deserve every single day for you and our family. You bring out the best in me. So will you make me an even more happier man if that’s even possible today and marry me?”

Jude eyes filled with more tears and she nodded, “Yes, Cardan, yes, of course.”

They kissed as the baby unlatched herself. Jude broke the kiss and looked down. The baby had gone to sleep. She looked at Cardan and smiled, “Okay, dad, are you ready to hold her?”

Cardan nodded enthusiastically and held out his arms. Jude met him halfway and gave him the baby. He sat down in his chair by the bed and gazed adoringly at her.

And for the hundredth time that day, Cardan cried. He let the tears roll down his face, unashamed. This was the happiness of his little family, his baby girl that had dark brown hair, and looked to be like golden brown eyes from the little bit she did open them, and his fiancé that blessed him with all this joy.

He looked down at his baby and ran a finger down her cheek, and with a thick voice, breathed, “Welcome to the world Liam Rose Greenbriar. I’m your daddy.”

All Cardan could think of was he was so thankful that Jude gave him one chance.

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[dalamjisung]

messing with my head ❀ im jaebeom

word count: 6515

genre: hospital!au, fluff

pairing: neurosurgeon!jaebeom x baker!reader

description: he always care for everyone, but no once cares for him. until you show up. 

It’s a condition in which there is an over-accumulation of fluid in the brain… surgery for a shunt… potential brain damage… some complications can occur… if not, he’ll live a normal, happy life… timely surgery… fatal. 

                                                                ————————

The day your little brother was born was the happiest day of your life. Eight years ago, little Taehyung gave you a sense of purpose. You were now a big sister– you had someone to love and protect. You had someone to teach, and someone to learn from. As a daughter, you might not have been the best; you rebelled and partied for a while; insisted on bad decision; hung out with the wrong people. But that all changed once you turned 16, and Taehyung turned one. You still remember the moment that the change happened. It was his birthday, and he looked as tiny as ever in his little overalls and fuzzy socks. Just as you were about to blow out the candles for him, he giggles and points his chubby finger at you.

“Y/N!” He screeches, laughter following. “Y/N! Y/N!”

Your mother looks at you, eyes wide and tearful. “That’s right, Taehyung-ie, that’s your noona, Y/N.”

“Y/N!” He screams again and wiggles out of your father’s grasp, crawling to you. 

You pick him up, hugging your little brother close. Tears fall on his head and you let out a gurgled laugh, allowing your parents to hug their children. After that day– the day that Taehyung’s first word was you,– you promised to be better. For your parents, for Taehyung, for yourself. It was time for improvement. You started looking for part-time jobs, stopped hanging out with those bad people, and only attended parties every once in a while. You were lucky your grades never slipped, so you kept up with your studies easily. 

One day, after school, you were walking back home with a friend when you passed by a small, white bakery. No name, no advertisement, nothing but a small we sell delicious baked goods! on the window.

“You go ahead,” You tell your friend as you walk to the bakery. “I’m gonna check this out.”

“I’ll go with you,” Hyejin says, smiling. “Moral support and all.”

Out of all your friends, Hyejin is the only one you knew to be real– she was unforgivingly herself, and you admired that a lot. She’s always been by your side, supporting you and calling you out on your shit. Her friendship is one you’ll never give up on. 

You two walk in, arm in arm, and initially you see no one, but then you hear a pained grunting from behind the counter and you lean over, looking at an elderly woman trying to carry a box that was visibly too have for her. 

“Let me help you, ma’am,” You smile, walking around the counter and easily picking the box up. “Where shall I put this?”

“Ah, thank you so much,” She says smiling, and once you notice how her eyes almost disappear under such bright and wide smile, you feel something inside of you telling that you belong in that place. “I’m getting too old for this…”

“Not at all,” You joke. “I just eat a lot, so I’m freakishly strong.”

She laughs at that and you already feel oddly fond of that woman. 

“You remind me a lot of my grandson, young lady,” She says and start moving around, grabbing things; first a plate, then a cup. “Sit over there, sweetie, I’ll get you and your friend something to eat.”

“Oh, you don’t have to,” Hyejin says, smiling kindly. 

“Please, let me do at least that,” She says, and you two sit down, keeping an eye in case she needed any more help. She brings you two pieces of cake and iced tea, and you are sure you saw stars when you took the first bite, humming in appreciation. “Ah, I’m going to miss this– the look on your faces just made my day…”

“Are you leaving, ma’am?” You ask frowning in disappointment. You had just found out about this place…

“Unfortunately, I might have to close the bakery,” She sighs, looking down at her feet. “I’ve been running this place for almost forty years, with some help here and there, but now I’m old, and I can’t do the things as fast and efficiently as I used to.”

“Have you been working here by yourself, ma’am?” Hyejin frowns.

“My grandson used to help me when he was in high school,” She smiles proudly. “I had to practically kick him out of here so that he’d go to college… but ever since, it’s been just me.” “Let me work here.”

The request comes out fast and strong and you think that’s what makes the owner consider, looking you up and down.

“And why would a young, beautiful girl like you want to work with an old woman like me?” She laughs, dusting her hands in her dress. “You should be enjoying your youth, little girl.”

“Done that already,” You smile, following after her with your used plates and cups. “I want to help my parents. I want to be a good daughter. And I want to be happy while doing so. Let me work here… please.”

“What makes you think you’ll be happy here? Look around you, sweetheart; this place is run down. Customers barely come, anymore, and all I have left are my recipes and good memories. I can’t pay you much, and it’s a very time consuming job, I don’t thi–”

“I don’t care about the pay,” You smile, leaning over the counter. “Ma’am, this place is incredible. My mother’s been backing ever since I was born, so I know a thing or two. I see how happy she is when she’s baking and I see how happy you look in here… I’m sorry if I sound crazy, but please. Let me work here. I can come everyday after school, and even before if you need help prepping ingredients and–”

She raises her hand, silencing you in the process. She has a stern face, observing you. Your smile falters.

“I’m sorry,” You mumble, suddenly embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to press you or disrespect you.”

“Crazy,” She says, squinting. “Might just be what I need… can you start tomorrow?”

And that’s how it all begun. 

                                                               ————————

Seven years after that, you now manage Sweet Dreams alongside Ms. Im. At first, your parents were a little unsure about you working at the bakery, afraid that you’d not handle the weight of school and work very well, but you proved them wrong with each day that passed, improving not only your grades, but also helping out at the house. They refuse to let you help with expanses and told you to put all your paychecks in a saving account, so that you could go to college comfortably. You are now 23 and although you have plans for college one day, you just can’t seem to leave Ms. Im and the bakery behind. The amount of work you put into the place made it your home; you named it, painted it, fixed some of it. Ms. Im has been your mentor ever since you were sixteen and leaving her behind would be like leaving family– and you’d never leave your family. 

Especially not right now.

“How’s the little guy?” Ms. Im asks as you arrive, the sky outside still dark. You had to start prepping the ingredients and baked goods early in the morning, waking up before the sun and observing as it rises along with your cakes. 

“Sleeping a lot still,” You mumble, sounding as worried as you feel. “He complains about headaches all the time and he’s always sick… I’m really worried about him.”

“Are your parents working today?” Ms. Im asks just as you are about to put your apron on. 

“Yeah,” You sigh, suddenly getting a headache yourself. “He’s with grandpa right now, and we think that Advil has been helping, but we can’t keep pushing it much further… it’s been four days already.”

“Take that apron off,” Ms. Im demands and you do it without questioning. “We’re not opening the shop today.”

“What?” You shriek. “But Friday is one of our busiest days!”

“And one of the mellow days at the hospital,” She winks. “Let’s go, I’m driving you.”

“Ms. Im,” You follow her outside, shivering as you haven’t had the time to even put your jacket on. “I can take Taehyung myself, you don’t have to bother, really!”

“You walked into my shop seven years ago begging for a job,” Ms. Im says as she starts driving to your house. “Not only I gained a reliable worker, but I gained a daughter. Now stop complaining; Taehyung can’t see his sister freaking out like that.”

“Thank you,” You smile, wiping a few stray tears away. “Thank you so much.”

“No problem, dear,” She chuckles. “I promise it will be quick– if I’m not wrong, he’s still at the hospital doing an early shift.”

“Who?” You ask.

“My grandson.”

In seven years of working for Ms. Im, you are pretty sure you’ve heard about her grandson at least twice a day. She is incredibly proud of him; he went from a trouble maker to a very successful doctor, it’s all you remember. You are not sure what he does exactly, but you always noticed the tinge of sadness in her voice when she talked about him. In seven year, you heard about him everyday; but in seven years, you’ve never seen him at the shop. 

“Go get the kid,” Ms. Im says pulling up to your house. “I’ll wait here.”

You manage to not wake up you grandfather in the process, but you make sure to leave a note in the fridge telling him that you’re taking your brother to the hospital. 

“Where are we going?” Taehyung asks, groaning as you pick him up from his bed.

“Where going to the hospital, baby,” You say soothingly. “Remember how I went to see a nice doctor when I was in pain and then I felt good? I’m going to take you to see a nice doctor, too.”

“Okay,” Taehyung says and lays his head on your shoulder, drifting back to sleep. 

You text your parents from the car and you promise to keep them updated in case they have to go to the hospital too. Ms. Im parks the car and guides you through the maze that is the hospital, walking as if she owned the place. Some doctors stopped to say hello but she’d keep walking, marching with a purpose, almost. 

“Ms. Im,” You plead, looking around nervously. “We have to get in line, or maybe talk to a nurse, I don’t think we–“

“Ya!” She shouts, waving her small arms above her head and getting everyone’s attention. “Yugyeom!”

If you could hide, you would; but at the same time, you’d never been more thankful towards her, who’s done so much for you as it is. A tall doctor looks around, looking for the source of the ruckus, and he smiles widely when he sees her, jogging his way over. 

“Halmoni!” He shouts and hugs her tightly.

So this is him?, you think to yourself, holding Taehyung tightly against yourself. Is this the famous grandson?

“Y/N,” Ms. Im calls. “This is Yugyeom. Or Dr. Kim, as he is known around here. He is one of the best pediatricians in the city, so I am sure he can help. He’s friends with my boy.”

“Hello, it’s nice to meet you,” He smiles gently. “Who’s that little guy?”

“Oh!” As if you have just awaken from a trance, you bow to him as best as you can while holding your brother. “It’s nice to meet you too; I’m sorry for the sudden visit, Doctor, but–“

“Will the nice doctor help me?” Taehyung asks, looking at the tall man. 

“Yes, I will,” Yugyeom smiles. “What’s your name?”

“Taehyung,” He yawns, and then raises both his hands, putting down both his thumbs. “And I’m eight.”

“Ah, you’re a big guy already,” Dr. Kim says. “Follow me, please. We can talk better in my office.”

While Taehyung played with an alien stuffed doll, you explained the situation to Dr. Kim Yugyeom; your brother has been sleeping a lot these days, and complaining of headaches and dizziness. He’s been sick and crying and you are desperate. 

“Ah,” Dr. Kim’s face changes and he looks almost in pain. His brows are furrowed and he looks at Taehyung with worry. “Would you mind if I called a colleague here? I want a second opinion on something and he might have a better understanding of it than me…”

“Oh, yes, of course,” You mumble, hands fidgeting. 

Ms. Im stands by your side, and she puts a hand on top of yours, silently promising support. She’s been there for your first heartbreak; she’s been by your side through arguments, and fights, and birthdays, and celebrations. The fact that she is with you in that moment made things less hard; it made you believe that everything would be okay. 

“Excuse me,” Someone calls from the door. “Hello, I’m Dr. I–“

“Ya, Im Jaebeom, you ungrateful child!” Ms. Im shouts and you jump from your seat a little, surprised with the outburst. “Do I have to come all the way over here and bother your friends to finally see you?”

Ah, you think, holding a chuckle back. This is him. 

The man blinks, lost and confused, before smiling wide. That was the confirmation you needed– the way his eyes disappear under his wide smile was exactly the same as Ms. Im.

“Grandma!” He hugs her tight. “I’m sorry, halmoni, things have been crazy here in the hospital…”

“You could’ve called,” She pouts and hugs him back. “But we’ll talk about that another time. Dr. Kim called you here for another reason.”

“Is everything okay?” He asks, looking at his grandmother. “Are you eating properly? Do you have any joint pain? Backache?”

“I’m strong as a bull, child,” She laughs. “It’s Y/N that needs your help.”

You respectfully bow to him. “Nice to meet you, Dr. Im. I’m Y/N, and this is Taehyung.”

He looks at you and bows back. Dr. Im Jaebeom looks a little taken aback and you move uncomfortably under his gaze, bringing your brother closer. 

“So you are the crazy girl that my grandmother talks so much about,” He says, and there is a certain something in his voice that you just can’t seem to grasp– an edge that made you shiver. “What can I help you with?”

“It’s the boy,” Dr. Kim says in a soft voice. “He’s only eight and he’s been experiencing strong headaches. He sleeps a lot and is always dizzy and sick… all symptoms seem to add to hydrocephalus, but I wanted to consult with you before diagnosing him. Can you take a look?”

“Of course,” Dr. Im moves quickly and efficiently, crouching in front of Taehyung. “Hi there, buddy– would you mind if I touched your head really quick?”

The consultation goes by quick and you don’t understand any of it; they talk in medical terms and when they finally take the time to talk to you, your brother is already being admitted to the hospital. You numbly sign all the necessary paperwork and when you come back to your senses, you are standing outside of Taehyung’s room, and Dr. Im is moving his lips, but you can’t hear a thing.

“I’m sorry,” You sigh, frustrated. “Can you repeat that? I don’t know what happened, I just– I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

He frowns and you feel like hiding again. His gaze is burning on your skin and can only wonder how dumb he must think you are.

“Sure,” He clears hi throat. “Taehyung-ie has a condition called hydrocephalus, in which the over-accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid inside the skull causes pressure on the brain. This is why he is having headaches and dizziness. When did this start?”

“Around four days ago,” You choke on your words. “Is it dangerous? Can you treat him?”

“All conditions have potential to be dangerous, but you did good in bringing him here as early as you could,” Dr. Im says, nodding to himself. “Unfortunately, this is not something that just goes away with time, nor something that can be medicated. The only solution is surgery.”

“Surgery?” You whimper, letting your shoulders fall in defeat. “What is the success rates of this surgery, Doctor?”

“The shunt surgery has a higher success rate for children,” He explain carefully. “But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have risks. Because we will insert a shunt inside of him to help with the circulation of the fluid accumulated in his head, things like shunt failure or infection can happen, but that’s why we’ll keep him in the hospital for an observation period.”

You nod, processing everything he’s telling you. 

“Alright,” You whisper. “Okay. What are the next steps?”

“You’ll have to go to the Financial office to talk about the expenses,” As he talked, you could only fixate your eyes on the embroidery of his coat. Im Jaebeom. “We’ll schedule the surgery for tomorrow. The sooner we do this, the better. We only need his mother to sign the consent form.”

He extends some papers and a pen towards you and you look back at him, suddenly at a loss of words. 

“I… uh, I-I’m not his mother,” You smile tightly. “I’m him older sister.”

“Oh, I apologize, I assumed that–“

“Haven’t I raised you right, Im Jaebeom?” Ms. Im asks, coming with two cups of coffee in hand, and you frown alongside her grandson. “Never assume… tsk, for a doctor he is really stupid, isn’t he, Y/N?”

You chuckle. “You must think we’re all idiots here if you intend on drinking that coffee, Ms. Im. You know it’s not good for you!”

She laughs. “This is for you two,” She gives one to Jaebeom and the other to you. “To keep up the energy.”

“When my parents arrive I’ll ask my mother to sign the papers,” You turn to the doctor, still too intimidated to look him in the eyes. “They should be here soon, so you can schedule the surgery for tomorrow.”

You don’t even see him leaving, allowing your body to fall on a waiting chair. You are not sure if you fell asleep or simply gave up, but when you open your eyes again, you are on the couch inside your brother’s room.

                                                               ————————

Taehyung was prepped for surgery and you couldn’t even look. You held his tiny hand, but your eyes were fixated on Dr. Im Jaebeom’s. He looked at you as intensely as you looked at him, and although you had a weird feeling that this man hated you, his piercing eyes on yours were the only thing holding you together. You couldn’t cry in front of Taehyung, and you couldn’t cry in front of Dr. Im. Simple as that. 

“We’ll take him now,” One of the nurses tell you and you nod, walking behind them and behind Ms. Im and her grandson. You feel alone at that moment, with your parents supporting each other, with the Im’s chatting together, and with your little man going into surgery. He’s the one that walks with you, and you feel as if you failed him. 

Dr. Im turns around and looks at you. “The surgery will last from about an hour to two hours. If it takes a bit longer, don’t worry, it just means that we’re doing our best to make everything right. I prefer to take my time and have a successful surgery than to rush things. A nurse will keep you updated so that you are aware of everything that’s happening in there.”

“Take care of him,” You say, voice strong, surprising everyone. “Or I will kill you.”

And for the first time, you’ve seen Im Jaebeom smile at you. You mother slaps your shoulder, but you ignore the sting, maintaining eye contact.

“We’ll do our best,” He says chuckling. “That is all I can promise you.”

“That’s all I need,” You say and nod at him. “Thank you, Doctor.”

You are not sure what happens in between, but Dr. Im comes out through the doors and in your head only thirty minutes passed; instantly you are washed with dread. You try to stand up but your legs give out and you’d be on the floor if not for his reflexes.

“My brother,” You breath out, frantically looking into his eyes as he tries to talk to you. “Taehyung-ie– is he okay? That was too fast, it was too quick– what happened? Dr. Im–“

“The surgery took two hours and he’s perfectly fine,” Dr. Im says, frowning deeply. Is he always frowning?, you wonder as he drags you to the nearest chair. “Taehyung is doing fine; he’s still asleep because of the anesthesia, but he’s under observation and he’s safe.”

“Thank you,” You whisper, starting to cry. You slouch your shoulders forward and burry your face on your hands. “Thank you so much, oh my god, thank you Dr. Im.”

“Y/N,” He calls, pulling your face up. He looks at your eyes, puts a hand on your forehead, and frowns even more. “Are you feeling okay? You look like you’ve been in and out of reality for the past two days… you feel warm.”

“I’m good,” You smile. “Just haven’t eaten in a while. I’ll do it as soon as I see my brother.”

“No, stay here for a second,” He says and leaves with long strides.

He’s okay, you think to yourself, trying to stop the tears. Taehyung is okay. Pull yourself together, Y/N.

“Drink this,” Dr. Im puts a cup on your hand and gives you an energy bar. “And eat this.”

“What about you?” 

His eyes widened. “I-I’ll eat something later…”

Is he embarrassed?

“You have to eat, too, Doctor, you look worn out,” You smile. “You care about everyone, but yourself, huh?”

“Yah,” He laughs, and you chuckle with him, suddenly feeling your energy coming back although you didn’t eat yet. “You sound just like my grandmother.”

“Well, she did mentor me for seven years,” You shrug your shoulders, with a fond look on your face. “Your grandmother means a lot to me…”

“The fact that you took care of her all these years means a lot to me,” He admits, looking slightly guilty. “After I left to go to medical school, I couldn’t come back and check on her as often as I wanted. Then one day she called me, and she told me about this crazy, beautiful girl, who begged her for a job in her run down bakery and… well, I worried for a while, because she did say the girl was crazy, but then she tells me how good this girl is, how kind, and I know I can stop worrying all the time. I know she’s not alone… I might have been jealous, sometimes, I’ll admit, but thank you, Y/N. For everything you’ve done for my halmoni.”

You are at a loss of words. For someone who looks so cold and collected to sound so emotional and true was a shock. 

“I am the one that should be thanking you,” You chuckle incredulously. “You saved my brother’s live.”

“But that’s my job,” He smiles, looking to the floor and then looking back at you. It is almost as if all the air in your lungs disappeared, and you suddenly don’t know how to breath. “Taking care of my grandmother is not your job.”

Before you can say something his phone beeps and he gets up.

“Taehyung is awake,” He smiles and did he always have those moles under his eyebrow? “Let’s go.”

You let him guide you through the halls and you wonder if anyone cares for this doctor that cares for everyone else but him. 

                                                               ————————

“You should go home,” Dr. Im says. It’s been two days since the surgery and you were the only one that hasn’t left the hospital yet. One of the nurses was kind enough to let you shower in their bathroom, but had to admit, just showering wasn’t doing much. You’ve been wearing the same clothes and even your parents went home to sleep, but you refused to leave once they got back to the hospital. 

“I don’t want to leave without him,” You mumble, caressing Taehyung’s hand as he sleeps. “I promised I wouldn’t.”

He nods. “Follow me, then,” And leaves.

You have to jog a bit to catch up to him, but soon enough you are in his office, and from behind his desk, he produces a duffle bag. Grabbing a few things, he gives them to you and tells you to go take a long, relaxing shower. Doing as he says, you take your time, asking a few nurses if it’s okay to take a shower since they are only starting their shifts and won’t need the shower for a while. You’ve become acquainted with a few of them and they all give you the okay. The sweatpants and t-shirt he gave you are obviously too large for you, but you like the way it looks anyways. Smiling at yourself, and at how stupid you must look, you stop by the vending machine to get a snack. You get two energy bars, knowing that Dr. Im will be with Taehyung when you get back. Said and done; Jaebeom is laughing at something that your brother is doing and you wonder if one day you’ll get to call him Jaebeom out loud. 

“Hello there,” You say lightly, blushing a little at the way Jaebeom looks at you in his clothes. “Thank you for the clothes, doctor.”

“No problem, Y/N,” He smiles, and you don’t fail to notice the redness in his cheeks. 

“I got you this,” You say giving him one of the energy bars, and putting the other in his pocket. “You need to eat to take care of other people.”

He laughs and one of his hands fly to push his hair back and grab at the back of his neck, a habit you notice he does whenever he’s embarrassed. “Thank you.”

“Eat it,” You squint at him playfully. “Right now.”

“I have to check on a patient,” He says taking a huge bite, finishing it almost in one go. “I’ll be back to check on you, okay?”

“Alright,” You smile, and you don’t call attention to the fact that he said he’d be checking on you. You like it. “See you later."

You don’t– see him later, that is. You are not sure what happens but Dr. Im doesn’t come around anymore; another day goes by and even Taehyung notices the change, asking for his doctor to the nurses. She all just say he’s busy taking care of other people, but there’s something off about them, too. One of them, Nurse Lee, asks you to follow her to the counter where you can sign the discharge papers so that you can finally take your brother home, and you hear a couple of other doctors talking.

“…yeah, they died,” A shiver runs through your spine with those words and you take a deep breath and focus on reading the papers in your hand. “Jaebeom did his best, but not everyone can be saved.”

“You know how he is though,” The other doctor sighs. “Is he alright?”

“No,” They shake their heads. “Definitely not.”

Signing everything, you tell the nurses you’ll be right back, and you run to the office you’ve gotten to know so well. During your brother’s recovery, Dr. Im has been you friend, you dare to say. You’ve silently eaten with him in his office as he did some work and you read a book; you’ve talked to him about his grandmother; you’ve taken snacks to his office late at night. It was your way to repay him, after everything he’s done for you and your family. You went from thinking he hated you, to understanding how hard his job is on him. And right now, it was exactly one of those moments, in which the harshness of his reality is laid upon him, and you can’t do anything but knock on his door and pray that he’ll open. 

“Yes?” 

His voice sounds harsh and used out. His eyes find yours instantly and they turn back into those scrutinizing eyes you first met.

“Hi,” You say, suddenly uncomfortable. “You didn’t come by yesterday and today and I–“

“I am too busy to attend just to you and your brother,” He snaps. “I have a whole lot of people needing me, too, you know?”

The coldness from his voice reminds you of the first time you met him, when you stood under his scrutinizing gaze. 

“Or do you think I have nothing better to do than to have to waste all of my time–“

“With me?” You interrupt him. “Just so you know, you didn’t have to spend your time with me, but I guess I should thank you, since you did, right?”

“Wha-“

“You don’t have to worry anymore, doctor,” You sneer. “We leave tonight. Here, this is a small thank you gift for wasting time with me.”

You give him the plastic bag with all snacks from the vending machine– literally all of them. It wasn’t much, but it would last him a few shifts, at least. All you wanted was for him to get better too; you weren’t dumb, you could easily see the suffering in his eyes, even at that moment– specially at that moment,– but you couldn’t just let him walk all over you like that. You had to stand your ground, like you did ever since you met him. 

“Whatever happened,” You say through gritted teeth. “It’s not your fault. Nor mine. Remember that.”

You leave him and you go back to Taehyung. 

Fuck Dr. Im, you think, furiously wiping a tear. It seems as if all you do is cry, and you are tired of it. I have Taehyung, alive and well. That should be enough.

                                                               ————————

Your days are back to normal– you wake up, check on Taehyung, and go to work, where you’ll spend hours and hours until you don’t have to spend any more time in there but you do still, baking a fresh batch of a different good every night, before calling the delivery man to take it away. 

Today, you make chocolate scones, using Ms. Im’s recipe just how she taught you years ago.

“Still baking?” She asks. “Is something wrong?”

“Not at all,” You smile, and put a scone in a take away box. “Here, for the trip.”

“Thank you, dear,” She smiles. “These used to be Jaebeom’s favorite.”

You smile and wave her goodbye, promising to close the store and go home soon. You do whatever task you have to keep you busy– cleaning the tables, wiping the floor, washing the dishes, freezing the dough. Anything to keep you from thinking about him. But it’s impossible. You think about him even more now, having a face to the name. Im Jaebeom. Ms. Im still talks about him every day and there’s nothing you can say or do that would justify the reason you want her to stop. 

He saved my brother’s life, and in the process he saved mine, too. He is kind and selfless and honest, but he is also tired and confused and overwhelmed. I want to care for him like he cared for me. Is this love?

No, you couldn’t say that to her. Much less to him.

“Excuse me, are you still open? I heard you guys had chocolate scones and I just had to come get one.” 

You freeze, body already stiff from work now barely being able to move.

“We’re closed,” You mumble, not looking at him. “But I can get you some scones to go.”

“If I take them to go,” He asks and you can see his feet, clad in black sneakers and tapping nervously on the floor. “Will you come with me?”

“Is this a pick up line?” You scoff.

“No, I just want to have these with you,” He chuckles and you can’t help yourself, you look at him, craving to see his eyes disappear when he smiles. “A thank you for all the food you’ve been sending to the hospital every night…”

“I’m glad,” You smile tightly, taking the apron off and hanging it on the wall. You push the cardboard box towards him. “Here you go. Have a goodnight.”

His smile is gone in a second. “Y/N…”

“You were very clear, Jaebeom,” You say sternly. “I’ll call you Jaebeom now, since we’re not in the hospital– you were very clear, Jaebeom. You are wasting your time with me; patients are waiting for you, families, friends. I’m just the girl that works with your grandmother… You have nothing to worry about, I won’t tell her anything, but it’s best if we stop this here.”

“Stop?” He asks, eyes wide. “I don’t think it’s that easy, Y/N. I missed you– did you know that? Of course you didn’t, but I’m here telling you: I missed you, goddammit. I’m a doctor, and I’m always frustrated about something, and stressed, and tired, but for the week you spent there, I felt completely okay, because I knew that in the end of the day, I’d have a constant thing in my life; Taehyung-ie and you, waiting for me with snacks. Asking me about my day. Asking me if I’m okay. People don’t do that, in the hospital– they have their own problems, and every day is a different surprise, but it felt good to have a constant, even for a little while.”

You say nothing, taking your time to process everything he’s saying.

“I’m sorry for being an asshole,” He chuckle. “I had just lost a patient; there were complications with his condition before surgery but we couldn’t wait and I lost him… But you were right, it’s not my fault, and it’s not yours. You shouldn’t have to put up with my anger, but I really, really hope you chose to put up with me despite my anger. I won’t lie, this happens a lot– the angry part. It comes with the job, even though we try our hardest to hide, but I promise to try my best to never let it all out on you ever again… please forgive me.”

You sigh, walking to him. He was wearing casual clothes and he finally looked his age, the gray hoodie and blue jeans bringing out the youth in him.

“You haven’t been eating regularly, have you?” You frown, hands holding his face. Your thumb brushes his cheekbones and his eyes are shining with something unknown to you– want, maybe. “I send you freshly baked goods everyday and you still look like you’ve lost weight…”

“What are you doing to me?” He mumbles, nuzzling his face in your hand and pulling you closer by the waist, resting his forehead on yours. “You’re messing with my head, Y/N…”

“Nah,” You chuckle, kissing his nose. “That’s your job.”

“That is possibly the lamest joke someone ever made about my job,” He laughs, and ah! there it is– cute little slits. The reason you love that so much is that it makes you all warm inside to know you can make him smile so hard that his eyes disappear. “But I love it anyways.”

“Does that mean I can make more of those?” You ask animatedly, pulling away slightly. “Cause I have a bunch of neurosurgery jokes I can ma–“

He shuts you up with a kiss and you instantly know he ate your scones before coming over, tasting the sugar and the chocolate in his mouth. It lasts long, and you prefer it that way– you want to take your timing discovering everything about Jaebeom. From the way his mouth drags over yours, chapped lips kissing you softly, to the way his hands find their way to your hair, your jawline, your waist. He pulls you closer, hugging you to him, and just as he is pressing you against the counter, you feel a vibration coming from his pocket. 

“Please tell me that your phone,” You snort a little, trying to hold your laughter in.

“Hilarious,” He says, rolling his eyes but smiling nonetheless.

“Do you have to go back?”

He nods. “Yeah, one of the patients needs surgery sooner than we thought… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever apologize for saving lives,” You frown, pecking his lips. “Text me when you get home?”

“Absolutely,” He kisses you deeply. “I’ll see you soon.”

He sees you sooner than he thought he would. The next day, when he texts you his shift is over in thirty, you go over to the hospital, with croissants and tea. When he sees you waiting by the main entrance, he can’t help but laugh out loud.

“You said that having a constant was nice,” You shrug as he kisses your face allover. “I’ll be your constant from now on.”

“I’d love that,” He says. “Love you.”

“Love you, too,” You smile. “I think.”

“You think?” He shrieks, pulling you to his car by the hand. 

“Yeah… can you take a look inside and find out for me?” You say tapping your head. 

He just looks at you, no emotion.

“If I ever get a song stuck in my mind,” You say, buckling up when Jaebeom starts the car. “Can you get it out for me?”

“Oh my god,” He lets his head fall on the wheel. “Is this what I signed up for?”

“Absolutely,” You giggle, and he turns to look at you. “Regret it yet?”

“No, but I’m sure you’ll get me there by the end of the night.”

“Yah!”

“I told you,” He grabs your hand, laughing. “You mess with my head. Crazy girl… tsk, gonna me crazy too.”

“By the way,” You start. “How will we break it to your grandmother?”

“What do you mean,” Jaebeom laughs. “She knows. She’s known for about seven years, now.”

“What?” You shout, head turning to look at him. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know about you,” He shrugs. “But she’d talk about you a lot. Good things only– such a pretty girl, so kind, so nice. Ah, Jaebeom-ah, you remind me of Y/N… you two would get along so well. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you before even knowing you.”

“Oh my god,” You gasp. ��Ms. Im is a love genius.”

“I had to take after someone, you know?” Jaebeom brags.

For the rest of the night, you two bicker, laughing and kissing in between, and even though you promised to be his constant, barely did he know he’d be yours. 

---------------------

hello lovelies! I decided that I will now post a new part of the General Hospital series every weekend, so here it is Jaebeom’s story! He is my ult bias and I love him so much so i really hope you all enjoy it ❤️ please leave a comment and share it if you like the story! It really means the world for us writers when we get feedback :P Love you all and thank you for your endless support💕

[harrysweasleys]

summer blues // s.f

Summary: Can you write a Seamus Finnigan imagine where he and his girlfriend spend the summer before 6th year together in Ireland discussing their future and the impending war? Especially since during 5th year they hit a rough patch when they broke up over their differing opinions on Voldemort’s return and believing Harry but got back together after he realized and they’re stronger than ever. More of a fluff request than angst please

Warnings: none

Word Count: 2.3k

A/N: so this is my first time writing for seamus! i hope you enjoy! gif isn’t mine, as usual. xx

“You’re telling me that you believe all that rubbish?” Seamus’ voice was angrier than you had ever heard it, and it was — to your displeasure — directed towards you.

“Course I do,” you argued back, “What good does Harry gain from lying about You Know Who’s return? Everyone’s ratting on him — including the Prophet, which you’ve so kindly decided to use as an example.”

You loved Seamus, you really did, but his ignorance was driving you through the goddamn roof. Ever since Cedric’s death the previous year, he had been blabbing on and on about how Harry was delusional, how he had been so damaged as a child that he looked everywhere he could for fame — even through the death of a fellow student.

You, on the other hand, had found his accusations rather ridiculous. Of course, no one knew what really happened the night Cedric Diggory had been killed in the final task of the Triwizard Tournament, but you could tell right away that something was wrong. So when Harry announced You Know Who was back, you believed him in a heartbeat.

“Don’t be stupid,” Seamus waved his arms in exhasperation, “Stop siding with Harry. Blimey, if you like him so much go date him.”

“No, you are not turning this into a contest,” you snapped, pointing a finger at him as the anger continued bubbling in your chest, “Just because you’re in denial does not mean you can bring down those around you.”

“I am not in denial,” he crossed his arms, approaching you, “You’re just insanely gullible.”

Your heart felt as if it was being constricted, “Seamus, please. Just come to your senses here. I can’t keep arguing the same stupid points with you anymore.”

Seamus straightened up, adjusting his sweater before giving you a cold look, “Fine. Then let’s stop.”

You let out a relieved sigh, thankful that the fight was coming to a close. You walked over to him, ready to call it a night and go to bed — now that you were exhausted from the fighting — but he stepped away from you and clenched his jaw.

“By stop, I meant stop dating,” he mumbled, avoiding your gaze completely by this point. Not that it mattered, his words had the same impact. Your heart shattered and all the air had been completely knocked out of your lungs. You gazed at him, mouth open like a fish out of water.

“What?” your voice was faint, distant, as if it wasn’t even coming from you.

He shuffled his feet across the floor, eyes looking everywhere but you, “I think we should break up.”

The boy’s dorm room had never felt smaller as you stood there, staring at Seamus with every ounce of you wanting to fight, to argue, to go down any other path. But you were silent. Your mind told you to leave. To walk out and not bother. So that’s exactly what you did.

You stormed out of the boy’s dorm, passing Dean and Neville on the way out, both of whom asked if you were alright, not gaining an answer from you. You rushed up the stairs to your own room, shutting the door violently behind you. Luckily, Ginny and Hermione were out for the day, along with Pavarti who was rarely around anyways.

You threw your body down on the bed, clutching a pillow to your chest, and began to cry silently, the heavy rain pounding against the window matching exactly how you were feeling.

And now, without Seamus by your side, and with the looming threat of an upcoming battle, you had never felt more alone.

— —

“I’m still sorry about that, ya know,” Seamus spoke softly, twirling a strand of your hair between his fingers, which were now calloused due to the amount of physical work he had been doing over the summer.

You nodded, gazing up at him with a faint smile, “I know, so am I.”

“I always want my girl by my side,” he pressed his lips to your forehead softly, causing a delighted shiver to go down your spine, goosebumps rising on your bare arms despite the sunlight beaming down.

The summer holidays were a bit of a drag this year as opposed to how exciting they usually were. After the ordeal at the Ministry and the death of Sirius Black, and of course, the rise of You Know Who, there was very little to enjoy or look forward to.

Your fifth year had been one of your most beneficial years yet, thanks to Harry and the secret army that he founded in the Room or Requirements. You had learned spells that you didn’t think you’d be able to do only in your fifth year. Your life changed drastically, and no matter how much you were dreading the eventual return to school, you were prepared this time.

Seamus, after coming around and realizing that Harry was right all along, had turned out to be one of the best wizards in Dumbledore’s Army. Even you were surprised by how talented he was, considering you had been watching him blow up potions for five years.

— —

“I uh — I reckon you’re right.”

You gazed up from the breakfast you had been munching on and met Seamus’ eyes. His hands were fidgeting and his hair looked disheveled, as if he hadn’t slept the night before. You, on the other hand, had taken the opportunity to not sulk. Yes, he had broken your heart mere weeks before, but with the help of your friends and Dumbledore’s Army, you still found yourself feeling... good.

“Right about what?” you raised an eyebrow, placing your fork down. You hadn’t actually spoken to him since your breakup, but you had seen him in every class. It was quite frustrating, if you were being honest. You missed him like hell and he was always just a few seats away from you. You often found yourself wanting to apologize, but why? He was in the wrong. And he was the one who broke up with you.

“About Harry. About You Know Who,” he mumbled, sitting across from you to avoid looking like he was making a scene. He continued to fidget with his fingers nervously.

You pursed your lips, nodding your head slowly, “And what, may I ask, made you change your mind?”

He peered up at you, running a hand through his hair, “I — uh — I was speaking to me mum the other day and we both agree that the Prophet articles don’t really match up. The Ministry is clearly making stuff up.”

You nodded, raising your eyebrows and clearing your throat, “Clearly? I thought it was clear when I told you Harry was telling the truth. Was my word not enough?” You were glad Seamus had finally come to his senses, but there was still a part of you that was angry he didn’t believe you in the first place.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” he sighed, running his hands down his face, “I’m sorry I didn’t side with you. I guess the thought of You Know Who returning to power was too much.”

You let out a small chuckle, “It’s okay, Seamus. I’m messing with you. I’m glad you’ve come around and realized the truth.” Reaching across the table, you grabbed his hand and linked it with yours. It was sweaty, clammy, but the familiarity of his fingers laced with yours was enough for you to pull your mind away from all the other things.

“I’m sorry about everything I said to you too,” he admitted softly, his eyes showing every ounce of his apology, “I really do love you. I feel horrible about what I said.”

“I love you too, you idiot,” you grinned, lifting your hand to poke him in the cheek, causing his smile to appear. Already, as if a weight had been taken off his shoulders, his eyes looked livelier and more awake.

You finally had him back.

— —

“I may be an idiot but I’m a lucky idiot because you took me back,” Seamus’ voice was still soft, his hands pulling away from your hair to pluck at a dandelion that had been sitting in the grass, placing it gently behind your ear.

You leaned up, resting your elbows in the patchy dirt, “I’m too smitten to not take you back, you big goof.”

He grinned down at you, leaning back and laying in the grass next to you, placing his hands behind his head and gazing up at the clouds passing overhead. The view from Seamus’ yard was quite spectacular. The rolling hills could be seen in the distance, the never ending fields of gorgeous grass and flowers surrounding the cozy house, and the garden that his mother used to grow her food was unlike any other. You really loved it here.

“I don’t think our next year is going to be as calm as the rest,” Seamus looked lost in thought as he spoke, eyes still glued to the clouds.

“You thought our previous years were calm?” you scoffed jokingly, “Professor Quirrel was crazy, then we had the Chamber of Secrets, then we had Sirius Black — which if I recall correctly, you were terrified of — then the tournament—,”

“Ok, I get it,” Seamus chuckled, waving his hand to cut you off, “It hasn’t been... uneventful, I guess.”

“But,” you spoke up once your laughter had died down, “I reckon you’re right. I think things are going to change.”

After the ordeal at the Ministry made headlines, captioning the fact that the one wizard everyone had feared to their very core had returned, you doubted your sixth year would be anything like the rest. Both you and Seamus had already received Owls from both Hogwarts and the Ministry saying that security at Hogwarts was bound to be at an all-time high. Not that you minded, safety was important, but that was bound to change things.

“What if things take a turn for the worst?” Seamus leaned over and gazed at you, resting his head in his hand and lifting his other one to wrap around your waist and pull you closer, your loose hair tangling in the grass as you moved towards him.

You leaned up, sending him a gentle smile, “Well, we may not know what’s to come, but I think you and I will be alright.”

“You think?” he raised an eyebrow, a questioning look on his face.

You nodded, “I do. And I also think that now since everything is surfacing, we’re bound to be taught everything we need to know.”

He seemed to agree with your words, “You’re right there. The professors ought to know we need to protect ourselves. Especially being classmates with The Chosen One and all.”

You giggled, leaning down and shoving his shoulder, knocking him onto his back. You took the opportunity to rest your head on his shoulder, raising one of your hands to run your fingers through his short hair, causing him to shiver under your touch.

“You’ll stay by me, right?” he asked softly, running his fingers up and down your other arm, which was draped around his abdomen.

You lifted your head to press a kiss to his cheek, “Course I will. Wouldn’t want to stick by anyone else.”

He chuckled, squeezing you closer to him — if that was even possible at this point. You could feel the warmth leaving his body, the soothing thump of his heartbeat, and the smell of grass and soil. All in all, despite the oncoming darkness, you felt at peace.

You guys sat in the warm sunshine for quite some time after that, unfortunately rushing indoors once heavy clouds rolled in and cold rain poured down, soaking you both to your core.

He pulled you inside by the hand, the two of you laughing and being careful not to drip all over Seamus’ family’s furniture, which happened to be a lot of antiques and handcrafted items that his mother loved to tell you the stories of.

“C’mon, let’s go dry off,” he was still slightly laughing as he made his way towards the linen closet, pulling out two towels for the two of you to dry off with.

After patting yourself down, you chucked your towel over his head and rubbed it on his hair, his laughter muffled through the cotton.

“Nice, real mature,” he threw it off of him and glared at you playfully, wrapping his arms tightly around your waist and beginning to tickle you. You let out a scream, smacking his shoulders and begging for him to stop.

“Seamus! Stop — I can’t —,” your words we’re struggling to come out through your laughter. You could feel your entire face heating up at the contact, hoping his parents weren’t going walk in.

He pulled his hands away from your waist, so you rushed to catch your breath in case he decided to once again resume his tickle attack. But, instead of doing so, he gently placed his hands on your waist and pulled you closer to him. He was still drenched, but his heat was soothing flushed up against your own body.

“I can’t get enough of you, y’know?” he brought one of his hands up to your cheek and cupped it lightly, leaning his head down to place his lips against yours. Your body felt ignited, the warmth spreading through you incredibly quickly as if hot water had been poured over you. His lips were cold, but they pressed against yours with enough passion for you to feel hot.

He had always been such a gentle kisser, taking in the moment and savouring then contact. This time was no different. You could feel every ounce of love he poured into the intimate gesture, sending your heart soaring and your fingers tingling.

He pulled away after a good moment, leaning his forehead up against yours, “Love you.”

You smiled, cheeks hurting from the giddiness you were feeling, “Love you too, you goof.”

-

[the-cult-of-russo]

Push and Pull (Part 20)

Pairing: Matt Murdock x OC

Warnings: cursing, angst

------

Something roused Daphne from her sleep the next morning but she wasn't sure what. Her head felt like it was imploding in on itself and she winced when she opened her eyes. She was vaguely aware of a heavy weight over her middle as she lay on her side facing the wall. As her senses tried to gain their equilibrium, her ears picked up on frantic banging at her door. She heard a pained groan at the noise that was attached to the arm around her. 

"Daphne! Open the damn door!" It was Foggy and he sounded like he was having a meltdown. She slipped out from the arm, swiping some panties from her drawer and putting them on quickly. The banging was making her head hurt like a bitch and Foggy's panic had her putting on the t-shirt she’d previously stolen from Matt since it was big on her and long enough to cover her ass. She padded over to the door, grimacing at how the noise got louder. 

She swung the door open and Foggy almost knocked her off her feet as he rushed inside.

"Matt’s missing. He didn't go home last night and he didn't turn up for work. I can't get a hold of him! He- he could be bleeding out in an alley or something! We need to find him!" He panicked with wild eyes. Her brain felt like it was working through molasses and she blinked at him with bleary eyes.

"Didn't you hear me?! He could be dying!" He screeched.

"I'm fine," Foggy whipped his head over to the bed, confusion and shock on his face for a moment as his eyes landed on Matt. He was sat up now, sheets pooling around his waist as he rubbed his tired eyes. His hair was sticking up in every direction. 

"W-what? Oh! Well I guess you two made up then," Foggy quipped, sounding much calmer than moments before.

"It's too early for this shit," Daphne grumbled tiredly, pushing past him to get to the kitchen. She got started on making a pot of coffee. Her eyes seemed to be in a permanent squint at the light that felt like razors to her brain. 

"Not that I'm gonna complain about you two fixing things, but you couldn't have let me know? A phone call? Anything?" Foggy grouched at Matt who sighed in response.

"I was a little busy," Matt said dryly. Foggy nodded, cheeks a little pink as he glanced from Matt to Daphne and the tequila bottle on the coffee table before landing back on Matt again.

"Can I get some privacy?" Matt asked wryly, gesturing to his naked body. Foggy scoffed and threw the backpack he was carrying at him. Naturally, Matt caught it no problem.

"Clothes?" Matt questioned softly. Daphne glanced over at him briefly before grabbing two cups out of the cupboard. Her brain still wasn't functioning yet.

"Yeah well… I wasn't sure if I'd find you bleeding out or something and I figured it's a little less weird to take you to the hospital in normal people clothes," Foggy replied as he turned his back so he wasn't watching. He still sounded a little salty over the whole thing. 

"Well I was fine," Matt muttered, standing up and getting his clothes on. Daphne may have peeked at him. It seemed like Foggy had picked black sweats and a t-shirt for him to wear. 

"Alright, I get it. But this is… this is nice. Like old times right? You two having some crazy make up sex," Foggy started. Daphne shot him a glare as she poured out two cups of coffee. 

"I swear, if you make this weirder than it needs to be, I will stab you in the face," she threatened, narrowed eyes and a scratchy voice. Matt chuckled as he waltzed into the kitchen and Foggy looked offended.

"Wow. Note to self, Daphne is mean with a hangover," he huffed. 

"She's mean all the time," Matt quipped without missing a beat. She squinted at him, handing him a cup of coffee for him to sort out with sugar and creamer or whatever he wanted in it. Her hospitality ended at making the coffee and pouring it. He took it with a grateful nod and small smile. 

She flung three sugars into her own coffee and a generous amount of creamer.

"I don't get a coffee? Now I'm just hurt," Foggy muttered in contempt. 

"Are you hungover?" She asked with a quirked brow. 

"A little!" He pouted. She rolled her eyes but couldn't stop the smile on her face at his antics. Grabbing a cup, she poured him a cup and gave it to him. She walked over to sit on the sofa as the boys sorted their coffees out. Before long, Foggy flopped into the armchair and Matt sat next to her on the couch. 

"Sooo…" Foggy started, finger tapping on the mug he was holding.

"Foggy," Matt warned carefully, glancing in his direction. 

"What? You really expect me to not want to talk about it? It's me," Foggy snorted. 

"We had sex. It was great. Story time over," Daphne muttered, blowing on her coffee to try and cool it down faster. She really didn't want to have this conversation. It would have been weird waking up with Matt in her bed and dealing with that but of course Foggy had to come over to just sprinkle more awkwardness into the mix.

"You hear that, Matt? It was great," Foggy grinned, wiggling his eyebrows. Matt smirked, trying to hide it as he took a small sip of his coffee. 

"I can share with the group what Karen says sex with you is like if you want?" Daphne asked with a devilish grin. Foggy's eyes widened and his cheeks flushed, mouth opening and shutting. Matt laughed, glancing to his side at her.

"I'm actually curious what she says," he probed, continuing their teasing. 

"No! No, no, no! We don't need to go there! I'll shut up, I promise," Foggy squeaked. Daphne smirked triumphantly and slurped some of her coffee. Karen hadn’t even spoken to her about sex with Foggy, she hadn't even been sure it had happened until now. 

They drank their coffees with some comfortable silence. There was only a twinge of awkwardness in the air. Matt and Foggy ended up talking about a case they were currently working on as she nursed her hangover with a coffee. Once the cups were empty, she was mildly surprised when Matt stood, gathering the cups and moving over the sink to wash them. Her green eyes scanned her apartment and she pouted at herself. She’d made such a mess the night before in her drunken state and she hated it. 

"Alright, as much as I'd love to spend time with you two assholes, I need to clean this place before I rip my hair out," she muttered as she stood up. 

"You did make quite a mess," Foggy grinned teasingly. She flipped him off and leaned against the kitchen counter as he stood. Matt used the backpack to store his suit and mask, only just making it fit. She was hopeful that they'd leave without incident but she almost forgot Foggy was Foggy. 

"You know what, we should go on another double date. Karen would love it," Foggy mused as he and Matt walked to the door. She blinked at him unimpressed as Matt thwacked him across the head.

"Stop," Matt huffed, shoving him closer to the door. Foggy grumbled under his breath as he opened it. 

"I'm not sure I wanna be Captain of this ship anymore if you both bully me like this," he grouched.

"Out!" She said firmly, pointing to the door. Foggy smirked, holding his hands up in surrender as he slipped out the door. Matt glanced her way as she padded over. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but settled on just nodding. She was grateful. She wasn't sure what he would have said. 

She watched as Matt took Foggy's arm in case anyone saw him and she shut the door as they walked down the hall. Breathing a sigh of relief, she set to work cleaning up the place. A tidy apartment and a few cups of coffee later, she found herself soaking in the bath and relaxing. She didn't have anything to do that day so she took the time for some TLC. She couldn't do anything with the Grimes case until the ball later that week and there was no new news on the Italians from Brett. There wasn't even any progress with the Keiran situation because his mouth was still wired shut and he wasn't in great condition. It was a rare moment of calm for her.

As she relaxed in the tub, her hangover started to wane and she found her thoughts straying to the night before no matter how hard she tried to fight it. It had been wildly different to her previous times with the vigilante. Usually they skipped foreplay, just getting right to the rough and dirty stuff and that was that. They'd got what they wanted. But the night before was a whole world away from that with all the intimate touching and how they took their time. She couldn't remember everything but she kept getting bits and pieces of it as it clicked together like a jigsaw puzzle. She remembered how excited she was to see him, how she told him she'd missed him. She remembered how her stomach fluttered when he used his fingers to ‘see’ her face properly. She remembered how it was the best sex she'd ever had. But it was all so intimate. She hated herself for it. Never had she been that way with someone before but she'd been drunk and so had he. She’d let her guard down fully with him. She was annoyed at herself for not letting him leave when she should have. 

She didn't so much regret it, since there was no way she could regret the way he made her body feel. But she felt weird about the vulnerability of it all. How it made her feel. She was just glad he didn't make a big deal out of it like last time. She’d told herself she wouldn't fuck him again, no matter how good it was, because it seemed to make things messier. But her plan had failed and now she just had to hope they would move past it. Yet she still found her mind drifting to the way he touched her, like she was made of gold, and it made her stomach feel weird. 

---

The week seemed to fly by and although Foggy came to see her most days with coffee and food, she hadn't seen or heard from Matt. She wasn't sure how she felt about it. It was only two days away from the ball now and Mrs Grimes had called her to tell her that she was on the guest list. She also sounded very disappointed she didn't have a plus one but thankfully didn't press it. Now she knew the plan was definitely on, she needed to go and get a dress. That's what led her to walking to the firm. She needed Karen. Karen knew about the ball and she needed a woman's eye. Foggy had slipped up once when he came to see her and told her he'd told Karen about the plan. After getting an earful from Daphne, he replied with how she specifically said not to tell Matt, which he hadn't, so he didn't do anything wrong. She couldn't argue with that logic and she didn't really blame him for telling her. It made it easier for her anyway since now she needed Karen's help to pick a dress. 

She hadn't called her to ask, she figured she'd just go find her. She was dreading going shopping, it wasn't something she ever enjoyed. And this was in an upper-class part of New York and she knew she didn't belong there. When she got to the firm, she could hear raised voices coming from inside. She lingered at the closed door, her curiosity burning and stopping her from making herself known. 

"We need to tell her, Matt!" Foggy yelled. She didn't think she'd ever heard Foggy be genuinely angry before and she raised her brows a little.

"No! Telling her is only going to put a target on her back!" Matt retorted hotly.

"She has a target on her back either way, and I can’t keep lying to her! She's my girlfriend now, Matt. It's not fair!" 

"It's not your secret to tell!" 

"No, just one you're forcing me to keep!"

It was painful listening to them argue if she was honest. Like being a little kid and hearing your mom and dad fighting about getting a divorce. She didn't like it. She opened the door and the pair turned to her in surprise from where they stood in the waiting area of the firm. She guessed Matt hadn't known she was there in the heat of the moment.

"Pro tip, you won't need to worry about it if you keep yelling like that. I could hear everything and it could have been just as easily Karen at the door," she said blandly, giving them a stern look like she was telling off children. 

She closed the door behind her and walked into the room with a sigh.

"Tell him, Daphne. He needs to tell Karen the truth," Foggy pleaded.

"I think Daphne would agree with me on this," Matt bit out.

"Hey! Whoa! I'm not getting in the middle of this," she muttered with her hands raised. They started arguing again and she couldn't even make out what was being said in all the noise. 

"Shut up!" She bellowed. Deathly silence took over the room as they both looked her way.

"Sit the fuck down. Both of you," she ordered hotly. She expected them to argue as they went back to glaring at each other for a moment, or as much of a glare a blind man could give, but then they reluctantly sat down. 

She stomped over to the desk, turning around and perching herself on the edge of it. 

"What exactly do you think will happen when Karen finds out the truth, Foggy? You think she's just gonna be like 'okay' and move on? She's gonna be pissed. She's not gonna see it as you guys trying to keep her safe. All she's gonna feel is the betrayal of the lies. There's a big chance she won't talk to you both for a while. She believes in Daredevil, she'll come around once it wears off. But that initial sting is gonna cause some shit, so I hope you're ready for that," she explained seriously. He looked torn up and glanced at his hands in his lap at her words. 

She turned to Matt then who was sitting with his mouth set in a grim line.

"I get why you kept it from her, and eventually she will too. But the longer you keep this from her the worse it'll be. I know it's not something to take lightly. Once you tell her, you can't go back. But there's gonna be a line you cross where she won't be so understanding about lying if you keep it from her for too long. And it would be better if she hears it from you instead of finding it out some other way," she muttered.

"That didn't help at all. You're saying if we tell her she'll be pissed but that we should tell her?" Foggy frowned. 

"I'm saying you both need to grow up and deal with this like adults. Talk it out and work a compromise. Karen deserves to know the truth but you need to do it right and make sure Matt's ready for it," she glared.

"Matt's never gonna be ready for it! I'm not just gonna sit here and keep this secret, I didn't sign up for this! And I'm not gonna sit here and take advice from an emotional mess like you!" Foggy yelled at her. She felt a punch to the gut at his words, genuinely shocked by his hostility towards her.

"Hey! Don't talk to her like that," Matt warned, his jaw tense.

"Oh right. I forgot it's only okay if you do it," Foggy sneered cruelly at him. Matt stood up looking ready to take a swing at him. Daphne felt her anger go from simmering to boiling and she slipped off the desk and stepped closer to Foggy. 

"You know what, Foggy? Fuck you. I get you wanna tell her, that you don't like lying, but it's not black and white here. And you did sign up for this. You told me about what happened when you found out the truth yourself. You chose to come back, to be the best friend again. You chose to stick around, so you don't get to sit there and throw it back in his face when you feel like it! You don't forgive someone just to dangle it over their head later! That’s called being a shitty fucking friend! You're either in or you're out with this, there is no in between! So maybe you should pick a damn side and get your head out of your ass instead of blaming Matt when you chose to be here!" She roared. Foggy looked genuinely taken aback by her ferocity but she didn't stick around to hear him be an asshole.

She pushed passed him roughly, storming out and slamming the door behind her so hard she heard it rattle. She was fuming as she stalked down the street. She wasn't exactly Matt's biggest fan and she loved Foggy, she really did. But she wasn't going to sugar coat shit with him when he was playing victim. Foggy had decided to stick around and it rubbed her the wrong way how he was acting with this. Like he couldn't grasp how much of a life changing big deal it was for his best friend. She told him how it was and it was up to him to decide what to do with her words. She honestly expected better from her friend. He’d really hurt her with his words and she wouldn't have expected that from him of all people. It was uncalled for.

After wandering the streets to calm down, she got out her phone to call Karen. She hadn't been around and she hadn't gotten the chance to ask where to find her. And as awkward as it might be after the argument she'd just had, she still liked Karen and needed her help. Mrs Grimes had told her the dresses might need some alterations so she didn't have time to waste since the ball was two days away. After a few rings, she picked up.

"Daphne, hey!" It sounded like she smiled down the phone.

"Hey! Are you busy?" She asked, shaking the shitshow she'd just been involved in away from her. She didn't have time for their drama.

"I was just dropping something off at the Bulletin and then heading back to the firm," she explained.

"Could I steal you for a bit? I need help with the whole ball gown debacle and I could really use your advice," she asked hesitantly. 

"Sure! It sounds like fun. I'm almost done here if you wanna meet me?" It didn't sound like fun but she didn't correct her.

"Alright, I'll be there soon," she hung up after and made her way to the Bulletin. 

Before long, the pair were standing outside of La Grande Vie and Daphne was filled with dread. The people milling around inside the store were all well dressed and although Karen somewhat blended in with her formal wear, Daphne stuck out like a sore thumb in her boots, jeans, plain tee and hoodie. Her purple hair in a messy high pony. She blinked up at the sign for a moment, wondering if it was too late to just tuck tail and run.

"Fuck. I feel like I'm in Pretty Woman or something," she grumbled miserably.

"Something you're not telling me?" Karen smirked. Daphne snorted and shook her head, biting back a whine as Karen grabbed her hand and all but dragged her in the store. 

An older man in a silk, pink patterned shirt came up to greet them with a warm smile.

"Hello, welcome to La Grande Vie, my name is Louis. How can we help today?" He asked with a French accent. He seemed genuinely nice but Daphne didn't miss the curious glances he kept sending her way.

"Uh… Mrs Grimes sent me… for the ball gown?" She phrased it like a question, like she was unsure if she should even be here. His eyes lit up as he clapped, looking overjoyed.

"Of course! Ms Weaver, welcome, welcome! And who is your lovely friend?" He asked with a smile, looking at Karen who blushed slightly.

"I'm Karen. Moral support," she smiled shyly. The man laughed a little, no doubt in understanding. It didn't take a genius to figure out this was Daphne's first rodeo.

"Please follow me, we will select some dresses we think suitable, but you will get to decide which you like most," he said as he ushered them to the back of the store. There were some thick black curtains and he walked through them, the girls in tow, to reveal some kind of private back area. There were plush looking seats and a changing area behind another curtain. It was all so fancy. Louis gestured for Karen to sit which she did but then he stood in front of Daphne, seemingly examining her from head to toe. She felt her cheeks flame red at the scrutiny and Karen shot her a wry smirk.

"I have some dresses in mind to go with your beautiful complexion and fun hair. You are a wild one, yes?" He asked with a knowing grin. Daphne snorted, lowering her head.

"She most definitely is," Karen piped up amused. Louis rushed off acting as if Christmas had come early for him. Daphne moved to sit and wait with Karen. Just as she was about to remark on how out of place she felt, a beautiful woman walked over with a tray, champagne flutes resting atop of it. 

"Drink, ladies?" She asked with a polite smile. 

"Thank you," Karen said and the pair took one each. Daphne's was gone in seconds. 

"Okay! Let's begin!" Louis beamed as he walked back in, clapping his hands. There were a few girls, all as equally beautiful as the last, following him with dresses. She felt like a troll next to them. The ladies ushered her in the very roomy changing area, closing the curtain behind them.

"Are you ready for a fashion show, Ms Karen?" She heard Louis ask from the other side of the curtain.

"I am," Karen giggled in response. Her friend was having far too much fun with this.

Daphne wasn't sure what she hated more. Shopping in general or dresses. But by the time the girls were getting her into her 6th dress, she was ready to give up. All of the dresses had been beautiful but she was under no illusion that any would suit her or that she'd like them. But she didn't have to like them, they just had to be lavish enough for her to blend in at the fancy ass ball. But Karen and Louis seemed to have other ideas and had no issues with telling her no when they didn't think one hit the mark. 

One of the girls zipped the dress up for her and she glanced at herself in the mirror. This one she liked the most. It was simple yet at the same time ridiculously pretty. It was a rich black colour, a velvety texture that was soft to touch. It had small off the shoulder sleeves with a v cut out the middle to create a harsh, deep sweetheart neckline. It clung to her body tightly, dipping into her small waist before flaring out dramatically in princess-y style. It was hard to picture the full look though with her hair and make-up done. 

The girls helped her into the simple black wedges. She'd been firm on the fact she couldn't walk in normal heels and Louis had picked these for her. The curtain was pulled back in the same dramatic flourish as the last billion times, but instead of Karen and Louis giving her a scrutinising gaze, Karen looked pleasantly shocked, covering her mouth and Louis stood up beaming.

"This is it! This is the dress, is it not?" He glanced at Karen to back him up and she nodded.

"Wow… Daphne, this is just… this is the dress," she murmured in awe. Daphne blushed, shifting on her feet. This day had been weird from start to finish and it wasn't even over yet. It felt weird to be looked at so closely by anyone and the spotlight was firmly on her. 

"Alright. I'll take this one then," she smiled with a shrug. She'd been waiting to say that with all of them but she did feel a pang of reassurance at their reactions this time around. 

Louis ended up taking measurements from her so he could alter anything needed and said the dress and shoes would be sent to her apartment the next day. After Louis' dramatic but endearing goodbyes, the pair finally left the store and Daphne could finally breathe. 

"Glad that's over," she snorted, the pair walking arm in arm. They'd been in there so long that it had started to go dark. 

"It wasn't so bad," Karen smiled at her.

"Easy for you to say. You were spectating," she muttered with a playful glare. 

"The dress really is something though. You'll be the belle of the ball," she teased, getting an eye roll from Daphne. 

They both said their goodbyes with Karen saying she would come over the next day to do her hair for her and help her get ready. Daphne was grateful for the support. They ended up getting in separate cabs to head in their different directions. Daphne's was home. Today had really taken it out of her and she needed to rest up for the impending doom of the ball. Once again, after sleeping with Matt, her nightmares had gone. She knew they'd turn up again eventually but she was enjoying actually being able to sleep while it lasted. Once home, she got ready for bed and snuggled under her blankets with a sigh.

She kept thinking of the fight with Foggy and Matt and it made her feel sad. She hated that they were fighting, it was so weird. They were best friends, Nelson and Murdock. They shouldn't be acting this way with each other. And she couldn't deny that she was hurt with how Foggy acted with her. She said she didn't want to get involved but they'd dragged her into it anyway. All she did was tell the truth and he'd been an asshole to her. Something she expected from his counterpart, not him. Matt hadn't snapped at her, he'd even got mad at Foggy when he was a dick to her. They seemed to have swapped roles and she didn't like it. She had no idea what Foggy would choose to do and it made her nervous for Matt. No one really knew just what the consequences would be of telling Karen and it was a big deal. She didn't know what would happen to their friendship if Foggy went through with it or if he'd even stick around anymore. 

She frowned as she lay there. There was a reason why she didn't make friends or connections and this was it. She felt like there was always some drama or something to stress about in her personal life. Yet she couldn't remember what it was like when she was alone and she was sure she wouldn't want to go back. That's why she was so worried. Depending on what Foggy chose to do, her life would become very different and she'd only just gotten used to it how it was now. She fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion with her mind spinning from uncertainty. 

[yiannalianos]

ALL IN: “You will get there. But for now, you are here (and here is wonderful)”.

I usually write in my journal every morning, but today I decided to just make a blog post about how I’m feeling. I’m okay... actually, I think I’m good today. I just read another chapter of “No Period, Now What?” and it helped confirm that I’m doing the right thing. I mean, I know I am but sometimes it’s nice to hear the success stories of other women who have gone through the same thing I’m currently going through. I guess today, I’m grieving my old body. The super lean, veiny, muscular body that everyone is do used to. The body that I am used too. For so long my entire identity was wrapped up in this physique. My entire life depended on how lean I was or how I would exercise to achieve that look. As much as this All In journey has been for me to regain my cycle, there is SO much more coming out of it. The self-realizations I’ve had over the last 2 weeks have been intense. The amount of stress and anxiety I would have regarding food, what people thought of me, maintaining that image, and when I’d get in my workout was quite honestly debilitating. Why couldn’t I just have been NORMAL? What’s crazy to me is that now, food gives me NO stress or anxiety. I can go to a friends house for dinner and have her choose what to eat (see below for the delicious meal we made last night), I can allow my boyfriend to choose what to have for dinner, I can say yes to icecream dates, I can eat the SECOND I start to feel a hunger ping, I can order the full fat latte from Starbucks, and I can eat an entire avocado in one day. As much as this process has been difficult, there have been so many blessings that have come from it. I’m so happy I started this process NOW because I can’t imagine still having a disordered relationship with food and exercise when I become a mom. If I did, I would pass those behaviors along to my children and I REFUSE to let them go through what I’ve gone through. It’s crazy because this “healthy eating” dieting, and restricting food groups has become so NORMAL to people now a days... and 8/10 the converastions I have with people revolve around body, weight, or food. I’ve FINALLY taken off my diet culture goggles after 8 years of being a slave to it. One thing I’ve noticed since removing those lenses is how DEEP people are into diet culture. It’s tough because there are many people around me that are STILL focused on their appearance, body, etc... as much as I love those people, in order to fully heal and set boundaries for myself, I have to distance myself and although it may sound selfish, it’s actually self CARE. 

Honestly this process makes me ME so excited. Getting my period is something I can look forward too. OMG the day that it comes, I told my bf that we’re literally having a PP-PARTY. He’s on board- of course. He’s been the most supportive person throughout this entire thing, encouraging me to eat everything, asking me how I feel, telling me I’m beautiful... I mean, what’s a better test than seeing how your boyfriend responds to PURPOSEFUL weight gain??? He keeps reminding me that this is temporary and although 6 months seems like a really long time, in a year from now I’ll be able to FULLY live my life. Workout again, eat in a more moderate way (and never restrict, so treats will definitely still be apart of my everyday life), feel confident as hell in my abilities as a woman and in my body, and the list goes on. The mental STRENGTH it takes for someone like me to go through this process is unheard of. Some days I can’t even believe I’m doing it. But honestly, today... I am SO fucking proud of myself. I have come so far in 1 year it’s almost mind blowing. My mom told me how much she likes being around me now, because I’m funny, full of life, and H A P P Y. What else would my mom want? She doesn’t CARE if her daughter has a six pack, she cares about cooking dinner with her daughter, getting icecream together, sharing laughs, and spending time RELAXING together. And for my dad? Well, dads are dads... but he’s been just as supportive. I’m lucky to have my favoruite people in my corner. 

Today is Saturday so my plan is to finish my coffee (currently sippin, don’t worry I ate before), do a 25-40 minute meditation/restorative yoga flow, shower, curl my hair and make myself FEEL GOOD, and then sit by the pool all day. Luckily I get to see my man tonight and I can’t wait. Life is just so much better when all I have to worry about it relaxing, resting, and nourishing my body. I love this little break... but trust me I can’t WAIT to start training again. One day at a time. 

Talk soon,

Yianna xxxo

[daebakinc]

Hero Among Thorns - Pt 5

Pairing: Hyunwoo x Reader Genre: Undercover Detective AU, Action, Romance Word Count: 2.5K Summary: When a mistaken connection results in your kidnapping by one of the city’s most notorious gangs, the undercover detective Hyunwoo has no choice but to rescue and protect you, and, most dangerously of all, fall in love with you. Warning: Mentions of violence and blood. Parts:  1, 2, 3, 4 

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Even the most hobbit-like homebody has their limits. You really thought your tolerance for staying inside the apartment with no job and no bills to worry about would be high. You really did.

Hyunwoo stayed with you for a few days, then handed over the majority of his babysitting duty to a rotation of his team members, minus Minhyuk. He’s still avoiding you.

In contrast, the others have ensured you want for almost nothing. Kihyun and Hyungwon delivered what they could of your apartment, moving furniture and other items into a spare room at their shop. Those they couldn’t salvage, they replaced. Jooheon and Hoseok never seem to run out of stories of their team’s adventures and misadventures alike. Changkyun has procured a digital copy of any and every movie and television show you ask for to fill your days. When you asked if they were all legal, he’d only winked.

Despite your wheel of protectors, every night, Hyunwoo returns. Some nights, it’s so late he has to wake you up from the couch so you can go to bed. You do try to stay awake, but it doesn’t always work. As much as you like the other members of his team, it’s your time with Hyunwoo that you look forward to the most. If you spent time thinking about how much you anticipated his return, you might be embarrassed.

At first, you’d awkwardly moved around each other like two newly-assigned dance partners. Overly polite, careful of each other’s space. Eventually, you felt each other out and fell into a routine that fits the two of you. He makes dinner with your help or brings takeout, which the two of you eat while only talking to comment on some aspect of the food, sometimes followed by a movie that Hyunwoo usually sleeps through half of, before heading to your own bedrooms. Hyunwoo drops little details about his days that he spends away from you, but never too much. He tells you most of it is too boring to bother with.

That hurt a little at first, but you always remind yourself of your situation. You’re his charge, his witness. Not his girlfriend or confidant. You like to think you’re becoming friends at least. Never mind that you harbor the secret fantasy of becoming more.

Maybe that internal conflict helped contribute to the fact that it only takes two weeks before you get stir crazy. Two weeks, three days, and only God knows how many hours, minutes and seconds. You now catch yourself staring out the window, heart sour apple green with envy at the people walking down the street. Getting to do normal things like shop at whatever stores they please, feel the wind and sun whenever they want, see something other than the same gray walls and window view.

If you were in the basement of the apartment building, you’d be seriously considering pulling a Count of Monte Cristo and dig your way out with nothing more than a spoon. Or tie your bed-sheets together and rappel down the side of the building. Though both the crawling and rappelling would be hard with one arm out of commission…

“Whatcha thinking about?”

Hoseok’s voice startles you, but this time, you don’t fall off the window seat. For such a big man, he can move as quietly as a cat when he wants. Very, very slowly, you’re getting use to that.

“Can you rappel down a building with one arm?” you ask, not taking your eyes from the window.

“Technically, but I wouldn’t recommend it. One slip and you’re a pancake on the pavement if your rigging isn’t properly set up. And that’s if one arm can handle your whole body weight with gravity pulling on it,” he answers candidly. He sits on the opposite side of the window sill. “Why?”

“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful,” you sigh, “but I’m sick of this apartment. I want fresh air.”

“Open the window then.”

By now, you know when he’s teasing and sure enough, when you look at him, that smile is on his face. You push his foot off the sill with yours. “You know what I mean. I want outside. Isn’t keeping someone in a single space for an extended amount of time a form of torture?”

He gasps dramatically, a hand over his heart. “My presence is torture?” When he grins at your giggle, you know that was his whole point.

“You know what I mean. If I have to look at these same walls for any longer … I feel like I’m going to go crazy.”

“In my defense, I did try to convince Hyunwoo we should paint the place. Make it more homey. I suggested blue, but –”

“Hoseok.”

“I know. I don’t think I could do it myself,” he admits with a sigh. Solemnly, he adds, “We’re just trying to keep you safe. Yew has been quiet since your kidnapping. That could mean he’s decided his threat worked or he’s planning something worse.”

“I know. I appreciate it, but wouldn’t Yew think it’s weird that Hyunwoo’s not letting me go anywhere? Like even if I’m a kept-woman or baby-mama or whatever gangsters are supposed to have.”

“A kept-woman?” Hoseok bursts out laughing. He puts his foot back up. “How old are you, grandma? Who says that anymore?”

“You know what I mean. That’s why I added ‘baby-mama’,” Childishly, you stick out your tongue at him. “I’ve been on an old Hollywood binge lately.”

“Still,” he says, wiping the tears that had leaked from the corner of his eyes. “Look, you kind of have a point. I don’t think Yew is going to try to get to you again as long as he believes you’re with Hyunwoo and not a witness. I’ll can talk to Hyunwoo.”

“Really?”

Hoseok holds up his hands at your ecstatic expression. “I’m not promising anything. Like I said, keeping you alive is the biggest priority next to bringing Yew down. Hyunwoo is the ultimate authority in that regard. He makes the final decisions.”

“I’ll take anything, Hoseok. Even just a walk around the block or the roof.”

A few days later, Hyunwoo doesn’t leave directly after breakfast like usual. Instead, after he rinses your cereal bowls, he stays in the kitchen.

Glancing at your arm, he asks, “Would you like to go out?”

Go out? The water you were drinking rebels, shooting down your windpipe. You splutter and cough, trying to get a hold of yourself. That’s a little difficult with Hyunwoo pounding on your back a little too hard to be really helpful. Did he really say 'do you want to go out?’ With him?

Finally gaining control, your voice hoarse, you repeat his question, “Go out?”

Hyunwoo backs away, still eyeing you worriedly. “Yes. It’d just be to the shop and back, but Hoseok said you needed to get out of the apartment. Something about the Geneva Convention.”

“Yes!” Any regret at your misinterpretation is forgotten at the prospect of breathing new air and returning in some capacity to the outside world. You have an excuse to wear real clothes, see real people! “Hell yes!”

You jump out of the chair, tripping in your hurry to get dressed. Hyunwoo steps in, saving you from falling flat on your face. Naturally, your good arm hooks itself around his waist.

He’s so warm. And solid, too. And smells like heaven on steroids. Even better than those fuzzy memories of yours. You feel your own body heat in response to the contact.

God, when did you get this easy?

“Are you okay?” Hyunwoo asks.

His words break the spell and you realize he’s stiff against you. Damn it, he’s probably thinking he never signed up to have some wounded, touch-starved woman clinging to him like a stoned koala.

In an effort to lessen the awkwardness, you turn the accidental embrace into a hug, immediately releasing him. “Yeah! I’m just really excited about going outside!” Without waiting for a response, you run out of the room.

Shimmying out of your pajamas and into a skirt is easy. Then comes the shirt. Jooheon had let you start moving your shoulder a few days ago, but you still have to be careful. With one hand, you manage to wriggle out of your tank top. You chose a clean one, but not before casting a longing look at a shirt with sleeves. Your choice proves wise though. Even lifting your arm to slide it through the top’s armhole makes the healing muscles scream at the stretch. They continue to ache as you readjust the shirt, but you ignore them. The intoxication of freedom, no matter how limited, mutes the pain.

You run back into the living room. “Ready!”

Hyunwoo nods and grabs his car keys. He opens the door for you, but catches your arm as you move past him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Why?” you ask, puzzled. You may not have bothered with makeup, but you haven’t since you got here. Hyunwoo’s only seen it running down your face with tears.

“You’re sweating.” He points to your forehead.

You wipe at it, instinctively using your injured arm. The pain is instant. Hoping Hyunwoo didn’t notice your wince, you shrug it off. “Getting the shirt on was more work than I thought, I guess. I’m fine.”

He looks like he wants to say something. However, he doesn’t stop you again as you walk out. Hyunwoo takes the lead down the stairs after locking the door. As you follow him down the stairwell, he says, “We’re just going to the shop, staying a few hours, then coming back. Yew’s been too quiet for me to trust any side stops. When we’re outside, stay right beside me.”

“That’s fine,” you instantly reply.

You don’t meet another soul on the stairs and the lobby is similarly abandoned. It’s not surprising given the hour though. Those who work are long gone and just as far from returning home.

At the door, Hyunwoo pauses. You assume it’s to scan the street before exiting. Instead, he turns back to you. “Yew has at least one person watching this place. We want him to keep thinking you’re my girlfriend. That will keep you safe.”

“Okay.” You’re not quite sure where he’s going with this.

A hint of pink sprouts on Hyunwoo’s cheeks. He smiles, but it’s a different smile than you’ve seen before. It’s apologetic, with a hint of embarrassment.

“We’re going to need to make it believable. So, if you agree, I think we should engage in displays of physical affection.”

You can hear the echo of your jaw hitting the floor. “What?”

“Nothing you don’t consent to,” Hyunwoo rushes to reassure you. “All professional. Just physical touch on arms, waist, and hands.

“All that and no kissing?” you blurt out. Instant regret slams into you. “I mean, wouldn’t it be weird if we didn’t?”

Luckily, Hyunwoo laughs. He shifts his weight. “Yeah, I guess… Kisses on the head, forehead and cheeks should be okay. Right?”

Your eyes fall to Hyunwoo’s lips. You can’t help but feel robbed of the opportunity to kiss him there. Before you fell punch-drunk into your fantasies, you stop yourself. You need to look at this as some kind of weird, elaborate, dance-less ballet. Hyunwoo is your dance partner, not a boyfriend. This is a professional relationship, one your life actually depends on. You can’t fuck this up.

“Right,” you say.

“Good.” With one hand, Hyunwoo pushes open the glass door of the building. The other reaches out to you, palm open and ready.

With a fortifying breath, you take it.

That breath turns out to be about as useless as gulping for air in outer space without a helmet. As you step through the door, Hyunwoo pulls you into his side, his arm encircling your shoulder. From shoulder to hip, you’re glued against him.

You feel his lips graze against the top of your head. The touch is so light you almost think you imagined it. But then Hyunwoo whispers into your hair, “Ready?”

Heart thudding wildly, you look up at him. The smile on his face is full of affection. It’s so natural, you almost believe it yourself. You can only nod and smile, belatedly remembering you have a part to play too. Dazed, you let him guide you down the steps and down the sidewalk.

Hyunwoo stops halfway down the block. He keeps his arm around you like a shield the whole time. If the air hadn’t held a crispness, you would have definitely overheated. The chirp of a car unlocking and Hyunwoo easing away from you to open the door is enough to bring you back to reality. When you actually look at the car, you immediately wonder if you’re hallucinating.

Even to someone who isn’t a car enthusiast, the car breathes class. It lacks the bulk of most modern cars, instead celebrating sleekness from its slim, rectangular nose to mirror-image tail. Yet like its driver, you know beneath all that jet black metal is pure muscle. From the outside, the only hint of this is the silver head of a supercharger sitting on the hood.

The parallel is so perfect, you can’t help but laugh.

Hyunwoo backs away from you, startled.

“Dude, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is your car? This one?”

Hyunwoo looks at the car with its open door, then back to you. “Yes. Why?” he asks when you start laughing all over again.

“It’s a 1970 Dodge Charger R/T.”

Surprise is evident on Hyunwoo’s face. “Yeah. You know cars?”

“Not at all, but holy crap.” You slide into the front seat. Hyunwoo closes it behind you and circles the car to get in as well. “You don’t see why this is funny?”

“No. It’s a good car. Put your seat belt on.” He waits until you do so, then pulls away from the curb and into the street, but you can’t let it go.

“An undercover agent posing as the head of a mechanic shop that also deals with 'stolen’ cars and drives a black 1970 Dodge Charger R/T that’s been modified?” You watch his face, leaning forward so your seat belt presses into your chest. “Doesn’t sound familiar at all?”

Hyunwoo shakes his head.

“This is the exact model car driven by Vin Diesel as Dominic Toretto in The Fast and the Furious!”

“Never seen it.”

“Shut the damn front door. You’ve never seen The Fast and the Furious? Not one?”

“There’s more than one?”

At first, not a sound comes out of your mouth, too frozen in disbelief. You’re about to launch into a full geek rant when you notice a slight curve to the corner of Hyunwoo’s mouth. He’s not looking at you, his gaze purely on the road, but it’s there.

“You’re teasing me, aren’t you?” you say slowly.

A smile fully cracks through, broken by a low laugh that fills the car. “Of course I have. Minhyuk was obsessed with them. He made the entire team watch all of them one night after we got this assignment. I did own this car before I watched them though. It’s a good car.”

“You made it through the entire series in one sitting?” You whistle appreciatively.

“I saw the first one, but after that, they’re fuzzy,” Hyunwoo confesses. “I fell asleep.”

“Can’t blame you.” You shrug. “They’re like 16 hours altogether.”

Your bodyguard-slash-roommate nods, making a small sound in agreement.

Quiet settles between you after that. Where once it would have been tense or clumsy for you, it feels right. Comfortable. You don’t feel any need to fill the empty space in between the street noise and the engine’s sleek purr. Instead, you lean back against the leather seat and watch Hyunwoo with slight side glances.

You’re learning to read Hyunwoo’s silences. Sometimes, they can be just as articulate as if he had spoken with words.

His shoulders are relaxed beneath his dark jean jacket and his hands hold the steering wheel with the easy confidence of someone who knows they can handle the horsepower. Despite the mellowness of his body, Hyunwoo’s eyes keep a careful watch on the passing streets. They flicker left to right, then straight, then back again. Car, bus, and pedestrian get a quick threat assessment before being dismissed. He’s not very worried about an attack, but he’s not being stupid about it either.

Hyunwoo turns his head to turn down a street, facing you for a brief second. You notice suddenly that mouthed lyrics flow steadily from his lips right in time with the radio. The song is some oldie, the singer belting about freedom and fast cars. You wonder what his singing voice sounds like…

Out of nowhere, Hyunwoo says, “You should thank Minhyuk.”

“Minhyuk? Why?” you ask cautiously. Based on your last and only parting, you’re doubtful he’d give you the few seconds saying 'thank you’ would take. He’s the very last of the team you’d expect to be your advocate.

“He’s the one who finally convinced me to let you come with us.”

“Not Hoseok?”

He shakes his head. “Minhyuk,” he says with finality.

“Why?”

“Ask him yourself.”

Hyunwoo turns onto the curb and honks the horn three times. You glance out the window. The building is plain, gray concrete, a number of cracks showing its age like fine wrinkles. There’s a line of windows high in the front wall, but no sign to speak off. Nothing other than the two long, dulled and dented silver garage doors to indicate this is anything other than a warehouse.

One of the doors slides open. Hyunwoo pulls inside, the door closing just behind the car’s tail.

He only has time to turn off the car and slide the key from the ignition when Minhyuk appears at his window.

“We’ve got a problem,” he says, glancing at you.

[aforrestofstuff]

So, my lil sister is currently playing The Sims Castaway in her laptop beside me, it makes me think: What will the heroes do if they're somehow get stranded together in an unhabited island? What chaotic things they will do with other fellow heroes in there while waiting for a rescue?

Okay, I’ve basically just written a dumbass little deserted island au for you. Thanks for the request, anon! 💓💓💓

If ALL of the main heroes were to get stranded on a deserted island all together, then I’d imagine it’d have something to do with the Association fucking up big time. Maybe they were all being transported to a threat overseas and got sent off-course? So, that means their only chance of rescue would have to be from the Association themselves (and we all know how much they lag to deal with shit). Needless to say, the heroes are gonna have to get comfortable with one another and work together to pick up a thing or two on survivalism while they wait for rescue. That’s gonna be hard.

Child Emperor will have the bright idea to separate everyone into smaller groups based on their area of expertise. Nobody argues with this because it’s pretty much common sense, but the stakes are high in seeing who gets paired with who. There’s not a whole lot of bad blood between the heroes, but lord knows they’ve got a few ego problems...

These groups are gonna be Hunters/Gatherers, Homemakers, Walmart Runners, People Who Don’t Really Do Anything, the Super Duper Strike Force, and Oh, Shit it’s the Cops.

In addition to the main congregation of heroes and their groups, there’s also gonna be one more group of people that stray from the majority. These people are gonna be called Stragglers. Stragglers consist of those that:

A. Have been excluded from the main group due to being a headass.

B. Went off on their own because they’re convinced they can survive without anyone’s help.

C. Got lost.

Now, with that being said: let’s get crackin’ boys.

Disclaimer: this shit is crack as fuuuuuck

The majority of the heroes:

Group 1: Hunters/Gatherers

This group is responsible for leaving camp constantly to go hunt/forage for food.

Flashy Flash: I’ve said this before in a previous hc, but he has a pretty decent knowledge on how to find food in the wild due to him always being sent to the middle of nowhere on assassination missions. I also hc him as pescatarian, so that means that he’d be pretty good at fishing. Even though his main protein is from fish, he also has a basic understanding on how to hunt for other animals as well. He just won’t eat them cause they’re yucky.

Zombieman: He’s not super adept at anything to do with survivalism, but he’s a quick learner. It won’t take him long to figure out how to apply his detective skills when tracking animals in the wild (I.E., looking for tracks, clues, and picking up on an animal’s sense of direction). He’s also can’t die, so he’d be the guy to try out some funky-looking mushrooms/berries/herbs to see if they’re poisonous or not, making foraging a lot easier for everyone.

Mumen Rider: The group’s resident forager. He knows which plants are poisonous and which aren’t like the back of his hand due to the many years he spent in the Boy Scouts as a young lad. He also knows a lot of basic survival necessities, like how to start a fire, how to make rope from palm leaves, basic first aid, and finding clean water. He’d essentially be a walking guide on locating basic sources for water, firewood, and fish for the Walmart Runners to find back at camp.

Group 2: Homemakers

This group is responsible for building and maintaining camp. They also do basic inventory on everyone’s resources.

Child Emperor: He’s in charge of designing and construction. He’d know the best way to build a shelter so everyone’s little huts last long enough—even while under duress from crazy island weather and basic wear and tear—for the Hero Association to come to the rescue. He’d be responsible for giving the Walmart Runners the list of what he and the rest of the Homemakers need to make camp the best it can be. He’s basically in charge of everyone. Even if they don’t like it.

Genos: Genos is in charge of cooking food every night for dinner. He would be on the Super Duper Strike Force, but he’s the only one that has an endless supply of fire, so he’s in charge of keeping every light source lit and igniting the bonfire each night in time for dinner. He’s also a walking Swiss Army knife, so he’d also be the one to do any basic repairs on the camp huts in the event that one of them gets a little hole or some shit. He gives Saitama an extra serving of food each night, which has caused some internal conflict.

Puri-Puri Prisoner: As a prison inmate, he’s the expert on making somewhere comfortable on limited resources. He’d be everyone’s guide on how to make tasty food with no seasoning nor cooking equipment, in addition to teaching everyone how to stay warm without real blankets. He’d give everyone fun ways to stay busy (like making little straw dolls or playing catch with coconuts) because it gets hella boring in prison and he’s developed an innate talent for finding ways to pass the time.

Group 3: Walmart Runners

This group is responsible for leaving camp to go find resources unrelated to food, like firewood, clean water, leaves, rocks, and other things the Homemakers might need to make camp better.

Saitama: Child Emperor didn’t really know what group to put Saitama in, but Genos vouched for him and said Saitama was a fast runner. So, he got paired with Superalloy on the Walmart Runners team. He and Superalloy don’t really have any wilderness survival skills, so they rely on people like Mumen Rider and Child Emperor to point them in the right direction and give them specific instructions on what to bring back to camp. Because Saitama is so fast and strong, he’ll leave camp and be back in 30 seconds, holding twice the amount needed of whatever Mumen Rider told him to find. He often over-stocks camp on purpose so he can take long breaks in between supply runs.

Superalloy Darkshine: He got paired with Saitama because Child Emperor thought Genos was joking when the cyborg said Saitama was basically God, so he was put on the Walmart Runners to help even everything out. He’s super cooperative with Child Emperor and Mumen Rider, often bringing back way too much supplies, just like Saitama. This is due to the fact that he’s so fucking strong and huge, he can carry enough firewood to supply a small army for weeks. He also helps the Homemakers with maintaining camp in between supply runs, typically carrying all of the heavy stuff and doing all of the hard labor that comes with construction.

Group 4: People Who Don’t Really Do Anything (but also don’t make things worse)

This group consists of people who don’t contribute shit to the survival effort, but also don’t exactly make things worse. They’re just chillin.

King: King doesn’t have harbor any knowledge that can be applied while trapped on a deserted island with like, 20 homicidal maniacs. He spends all of his time huddled in his hut having a perpetual panic attack. Nobody comes in to check up on him or tell him to get off his ass because they’re all pretty intimated and believe that he’s done enough work as a hero to warrant him having a little break. Everyone thinks he’s having the time of his life while on a little vacation, when he’s actually dying inside and wishing this whole thing was over. He’s tries to call his mom a million times but his phone doesn’t receive service. He’s suffering.

Pig God: He also doesn’t have any skills or knowledge that can be applied to surviving on a desert island, so he’s just vibin. He, like King, is a gamo to the extremo and spends most of his time playing video games/watching anime, so it’s only natural that he’d be out of his element on a desert island. Unlike King, however, some people give him shit for it. This is due in part because he eats like 19 rations every meal and doesn’t really do anything to pull his weight around camp. He’s actually gained weight since they’ve been deserted. Everyone has cast a secret vote that in the event they run out of food, Pig God is the first to be eaten.

Group 5: The Super Duper Strike Force

This group is responsible for guarding camp all hours of the day. They sleep in shifts, and are constantly watching the jungle/beach for any monster activity.

Metal Bat: didn’t want to be a part of this group because that meant that he wouldn’t get his full 8 hours of beauty rest every night, so he only agreed to join on the condition that Child Emperor let him pick the name. So, lo and behold, he’s on the Super Duper Strike Force. Badd is in charge of watching the north end of camp, and is often seen climbing palm trees to get a vantage point on the great expanse of wilderness to see if there is any monster activity nearby. While he’s on top of trees, he’ll also try tirelessly to attain cell service so he can get in contact with Zenko. He fails almost each time, but boy is he persistent. He also gets bored a lot while on watch, so he just bats rocks around while using a picture of Amai that he stapled to a palm tree as a target.

Watchdog Man: He’s always on watch in City Q anyway, so this is pretty much just business as usual. He made a little mound of sand for himself (which is really hard to do with paws, okay?) to server as a makeshift pedestal like the one he has back home. People kind of forget he exists like 3 days into this whole fiasco because he doesn’t really do anything outside of just... sitting there.

Group 6: Oh Shit, it’s the Cops

This group is responsible for making sure nobody kills each other. They’re usually people who have background experience managing groups of people (this group was also named by Metal Bat because Silverfang caught him trying to vandalize Flashy Flash’s hut, to which Badd promptly yelled out “Oh shit, it’s the cops!”)

Fubuki: Even though the Fubuki Group rarely has disagreements, she still knows how to put a fucker in their place. Nobody cares that she’s B-Class, she’s feared all the same. If someone fucks up around camp, she’ll mom the hell out of them until they straighten themselves out. On top of that, she also helps Puri make camp comfortable for everyone, and assisted Child Emperor when he was assigning roles and groups.

Silverfang: He’s a master at keeping track of murderous hobos. He raised Garou, didn’t he? He can do anything. If someone fucks up, all he needs to do if give them a side-eye and that’ll be enough for them to get back in line. He suggested that everyone maintain a strict routine to ensure that nobody goes crazy while being trapped together in a deserted hell. And so far, it’s worked out just fine. So far.

Tanktop Master: The Tanktop gang, like the Fubuki Group, rarely sees disagreements. He isn’t one to hand out punishment, discipline, or reprimands, so if he sees someone fuck up, he’ll kindly pull them aside and ask them what’s up. He’ll work with everyone to ensure that all of the heroes are friendly to each other, since that’s pretty much the best anyone can do (given the situation). He’ll also help out Silverfang with his “maintaining a routine” idea, making a personalized workout routine for everyone.

Stragglers:

Tatsumaki: Tats went out on her own the minute everyone got deserted because she was already tired of their shit to begin with. She’s been doing fine, albeit being hella pissy. She’s already magic’d herself a shelter, found that she can start fires by forcing two rocks to rub against each other really fast, and that she can also kill animals in seconds just by looking at them the wrong way. Her main gripe is being away from clean sheets and soap operas, but she’s a trooper. She’ll survive.

Amai Mask: Amai Mask got voted out of the majority because he’s a dipshit and they were all gonna jump him if he didn’t haul ass across the island, far, far, away from the main camp. He’s been suffering. He can hunt fine, but he’s got zero survival skills and is currently sleeping under a cold rock. Child Emperor gave him some bright red rope to tie around his camp so the Hero Association could easily spot him from a distance when they arrive for rescue, but the rope was eaten by a bear. He’s gonna die if he doesn’t get off that island pronto.

Metal Knight: Metal Knight willingly separated himself from the group because he’s convinced that he can survive without the help of anyone else, (even though he was just gonna get voted out anyway because everyone hates that fucker) and has since then been building an army of robot coconuts. He can engineer himself a shelter just fine, and he’s figured out how to sic his little robots on nearby wildlife so he can eat. I hate to say it, but he’s actually doing well.

Drive Knight: Drive Knight also purposefully separated himself from the majority because he saw Metal Knight do it and is currently on a quest to hunt down Bofoi and merk that fucker’s ass in the jungle with God as his witness, cold-blooded. He doesn’t need wilderness survival skills because he runs on batteries and solar panels. He does, however, need a fucking GPS because he’s been lost for three days with no robot coconut army in sight. If he doesn’t find Bofoi or the main group before the Hero Association arrives for rescue, then he’ll most definitely get left behind, and that is a risk he is willing to take. Dumbass.

Atomic Samurai and his 3 hooligans: Atomic Samurai, Iaian, and Okamaitachi got separated from the group because they somehow ended up on a completely different part of the island upon being deserted. The two disciples listened to Kami (bad idea) while he was trying to find a sense of direction, and they ended up straying even farther away from the group than they were when they started. Bushidrill also ended up on a completely different part of the island, separated from both the group and Atomic Samurai’s gang, but they found each other around 2 days into this whole fiasco by pure chance. Bushidrill was found sitting in a tree 20ft off the ground, wearing a coconut bikini, and stress-drinking a bottle of saké he had smuggled in his robe before everything went to shit. All in all, when the disciples and Kami put their heads together, they make a pretty good team. Iaian hunts, Kama makes camp, Bushi sits on his ass, and Kami sits with Bushi. They’re not going to be left behind as easily as Drive Knight, though. If they’re not found before the Hero Association comes to the rescue, then you bet your ass those corporate cronies are gonna spend a pretty penny on search parties.

So, now that we have everyone’s roles and groups down, I’m gonna make up some island shenanigans because this shit is just TOO GOOD to be left alone like this.

The shenanigans:

The quest for food:

Zombieman, while hunting with Flashy Flash and Mumen Rider: hey, stop moving. I think I see a deer over there.

Mumen Rider, looking through a set of binoculars: awww, it has a baby!

Flash: where did you get those binoculars?

Mumen: oh, they were in my wilderness survival kit!

Zombieman: what

Mumen, looking through his bag: yeah, I have a compass, a canteen, a bird-watching manual, some fire-starters, some dynamite next to the fire-starters— oh no.

The quest for food Part 2:

Flashy Flash: I found this strange mushroom, but I don’t know if it’s poisonous.

Mumen: hmm, let me look it up in my manual—

Zombieman: *swipes the mushroom and gobbles it up*

Mumen:

Flash:

Zombieman: it’s poisonous

The quest for dinner:

Child Emperor, speaking to everyone at camp: okay, guys. We’re gonna start having nightly bonfires that will hopefully aid us in making passing ships aware of our location. It’s also how we’re gonna cook our food—

Pig God: *raises hand*

Child Emperor: no, we don’t have any marshmallows.

Pig God: *slowly lowers hand*

The quest for peace:

Badd: fuck the police! *sprints away*

Tanktop Master: what did he do?

Silverfang: I caught him carving “flash sux” into the sand and he tried to hit me with a coconut after I told him to stop.

The quest for Bushidrill:

Iaian: Sensei, it’s been two days. Maybe he’s with the others—

Kami: no, I know Bushidrill. If WE’RE lost, then he’s SUPER lost.

Okamaitachi: there! In that tree!

Bushidrill, face-planted on a tree branch 20ft off the ground: God, is that you?

Kami: I knew it.

Kami: Iaian, cut him down.

Iaian: is that really the best idea—

Kami: just do it.

Iaian: *cuts down Bushidrill*

Bushidrill: *immediately gets knocked unconscious the minute he hits the ground*

Kami: good.

[pullingthroughthefog]

Finally worked up the strength and the introspect to do this. I have been needing to put pen to paper for so long, and somehow I have continued to avoid it for more than 2 years. 2 years of silently suffering through what has been the biggest personal crisis in my life thus far. I am 34 years old. I was 32 when my husband made the decision to have an emotional affair. At that point, we had been married for 2 years only, and had a 1 year old daughter. Barely.  Our love story is a classic one. We knew each other for years, but both had different partners. And again. And again. Until one time we both found ourselves single and we instantly got together. It was crazy and passionate and fantastic. We were together for a year when we popped the question, and almost 2 years after that, we got married. 3 Months after our wedding, I became pregnant with our daughter. 

My pregnancy was a tough one. I didn’t particularly enjoy it, I had a lot of aches, I gained an enormous amount of weight, and I was supremely unhappy. Tie that to a shitty birthing experience, and being severely sleep-starved for the first couple of months after having her, we were definitely going through our first crisis as a married couple. I certainly was on a personal level. I was not able to cope with night wakeups and feeds after spending the entire day looking after my crying colicky baby. I was destroyed. My husband recognized this, and soon took over all the night duties relating to our baby, and then catching up on his sleep in the wee morning hours when I would get up with the little one. Then he would go to work. And rinse and repeat. This went on for months. I’m not sure how many. 4-6 months. 

I hated being on maternity leave. I took care of my baby’s needs and made sure she was well-fed, diapered and never needed for anything, but I was restless. I absolutely loathed being at home, never getting the opportunity to take a shower, to decompress, to be just by myself without having to constantly put another persons needs over my own. Being selfish and ego-centered for so many years beforehand doesn’t exactly leave you with the best foundation to suddenly become another person’s servant 24/7. My needs were non existent. Well that’s not true. My needs were many, but in the grand scheme of things, they didn’t matter.

In the weekends though, we thrived. Taking shifts to be with the little one, spending family time together, going out for walks, taking her with us to the café. Everything was working in the weekends, and it was a huge weight off my shoulders. It reminded me of what we could be, and who we were, aside from the people who incessantly kept track of whose turn it was to suffer with a baby related issue, and how unfair certain things were to each of us. Having a baby makes you a nitpicky monster, and keeping score was number one activity.

When we were nearing the end of my maternity leave which lasted for 9 months, my husband was supposed to take over for 8 weeks. He would start the baby in daycare, and get her used to being there little by little, while also taking time to get to know his daughter, outside of the two hours they got to spend together before her bedtime every day.

I was happy to be back at work. I thrived. I enjoyed being back in the swing of things, washing my hair, putting on makeup and having a sense of purpose. I know that having children for a lot of people is THE biggest sense of purpose, and I guess I can agree to that post the baby stage, but back then, I was just happy to be of service in real world-  where it mattered. I felt like my entire quality of life improved, and I felt my relationship with my husband take a turn for the better as well.

One day when I came home from work, my husband’s phone was on the sofa. He was in the next room changing the baby. A text ticked in from someone called Sara. It said “are you ready to trade in the older model for a new wife”. 

I was absolutely astonished. I showed my husband, and asked him what this was about. He instantly said it was a joke with a co-worker and it meant nothing. He promised that was the end of those conversations, he was going to be appropriate with his colleagues, and that he cherished and appreciated me and our life far too much to ever risk anything.

I made him call her, with me present but without mentioning I was there. He called. And said the reason he was calling was to tell her that, just in case there were any misunderstandings, he wanted her to know that there is nothing between them, they are just colleagues, and they will stay that way. She was hesitant and awkward. She knew i was listening in on it. She said “of course not, I understand”, and they ended the call. 

This was supposed to be the end of it. We decided to shelf it, and that he was going to make better judgements in the future. I decided that he was innocent, but this young girl might have gotten mixed signals, which was an issue, and his problem to correct, which he had done. He went on his knees and promised to never put me in a position to doubt his love and loyalty to our relationship again. 

A few days after, it was my husband’s birthday. I had ordered him a very expensive watch, even against my better judgment from the discovery a few days later. It was the type of expensive that you could buy a car for. 

 I wanted to thank him for being such a great support during my maternity leave, and I knew this watch was something he had dreamed of. He was very happy and I felt even more thrilled and privileged that I was able to buy it for him.

That evening, when the baby was asleep, and we were sitting on the balcony eating dinner, all hell broke loose. He put his phone down on the table, and a Snapchat from Sara rolled in. I was fuming. He continue to reiterate that it was nothing to worry about, just friendly conversations, which completely set me off. We had just agreed to NO private contact with any female coworkers in his off time, and here were were again. He deleted her from Snapchat immediately. Probably as a way to save face, without having to show me their conversation, but he presented it as a favor to me.

Instantly, she messaged him on facebook messenger asking why he had deleted her on snapchat. This raised more flags for me. Why did she notice so quickly that he had deleted her? Was it because she was spending enormous amounts of time writing him? You could delete me off of any social media, and I promise you that unless you are a very close friend, I wouldn’t notice. Years could go by, and I’d be none the wiser. I asked him to give me his phone. I was not backing down. I wanted to get to the bottom of this. He was hesitant and fought me on it, which only spurred me on more. Why was he denying it? Surely he had nothing to hide if she was just a co-worker. He had been diligent on deleting texts, so I went into his work email, and searched for her name.

My heart broke. He was anxiously sitting opposite from me while I had his phone, and looking for any reaction I might have. I tried to hide my facial reactions, while I took all the instant messaging records, and sent them to myself on email to read. I knew it was only a matter of time before he took his phone back out of sheer anxiety and fear. I was right. He took his phone back before I could finish reading and sending everything, in fact I think I only saw a fraction. 

Sara and my husband had been IM’ing each other intimately for weeks. While he was still at work, and after he went on parental leave as well. They were extremely flirty. She was asking him about his wife. He was telling her that we weren’t going to last. That we were only together for the baby. He was asking her to come sit by him in the office. She was asking him to accompany her to parties and concerts. She was confiding in him about personal matters. And he was throwing me under the bus, for this 21 year old intern at his job, where he was a manager and a person who should behave much better than this. 

I was absolutely heartbroken. I read everything through, and completely fell apart. My husband was sitting in the living room, just watching me cry and turn into a shell of a human being. I was weeping. Screaming, Absolutely gut wrenching pain and experiencing the feeling of being stabbed in my heart. He wasn’t going to talk until I calmed down, so he just sat there, listening to me sob and cry until I didn’t have a single tear left.  What completely broke me, was the realization that they day after his birthday, the very morning after we had “solved everything” and he has apologized to me, sincerely, on his knees, he had taken our daughter to daycare, and called her right after. I knew this, because in the messages, he was telling her that another coworker had overheard him talking to her on the car speaker system, and had asked him what that was about. 

I can’t explain how crushing it is to realize that your doting, loving husband is not only having an emotional affair, but he also had the audacity and the heart to promise me that it was NEVER going to happen again, only for it to have happened again, the very next day as soon as he stepped out of the house.

What followed is a long period of sorrow, feeling of loss, emptiness, feeling of despair, anger, complete humiliation and desire to end my marriage, but neither having the strength or the willingness to do so.

2 years after, we are still married. Our marriage has developed into something so broken and awful, that I’ve recently had to look  in the mirror and ask myself where I had gone wrong. Because make no mistake, my husband is the one who screwed up a loving home, but what followed and what has transpired in the 2 years after, is just as much my fault. This is the first time I have found the courage to face myself, and to accept that I also have a huge part to play in the destruction of my marriage in recent years. What was meant to be a period of rebuilding trust and love, has been nothing but a struggle and a mission impossible on both ends. And from where I am standing, this is a last ditch resort at salvaging our marriage and our relationship, or finally coming to accept what is irretrievably broken and finding the courage within me to walk away. 

I will recount the following time in later entries. 

[mariamz11]

Quarantine – a manual for keeping your sanity

To be honest, what we’re going through is nothing compared to what our ancestors went through periods of war and famine. Yes, we do have all the necessities of food, hot water, electricity, television, even internet with endless entertainment at our fingertips.

However, it should be recognised that staying in quarantine at home is tough psychologically and denying there is an issue will probably leave you feeling even more depressed. Most of us at more than one point will probably feel hopeless and down and perhaps even like nothing depends on us.

As a result, I’ve decided to write this article for everyone affected but truth be told also for myself – I’ll keep re-reading it to serve as a reminder to keep myself going. I truly hope it helps you to manage your time better and feel better too.

Maintain regular sleep patterns

Just because you can sleep all you want doesn’t mean you should. Disrupting you regular sleep patterns will make it more difficult to return to normality once the quarantine period is over.

Stick to your normal routine as much as possible and don’t oversleep which can be tempting with too much time of your hands, as this will only cause grogginess throughout the day.

  Watch your food intake

Perhaps you’ve stocked up more than usual- that’s fine as long as you didn't go overboard and were selfish and left nothing for the rest, I cannot judge you there as myself I want to limit the amount of times go out shopping to minimise contact and risk of contagion and plan a week or two ahead.

However, too much stock at home are no excuse for overeating. Equally, you're likely feeling overwhelemed from time to time and can retort to eat comforting junk food. Not only will you gain weight especially with less exercise from sitting at home, but eating badly reflects negatively on your emotional and mental states. You are what you eat after all.

Plan your meals and shopping accordingly and ensure your meals are varied and rich in nutrients and vitamins. Don’t forget the fruits and veggies which will help to keep your immune system in check.

Pursue your hobbies/passions

If you’ve been delaying due to lack of time, now is the time when you must drop all the excuses.

Personally, I’ve been putting painting off for sometime now. Well I’ve ensured to set the time aside and moreover I’ve started working on a new project related to teaching, which is very exciting to say the least.

Doing things that are pleasant and equally challenging will lift your spirits and will make that much more tolerable if not somewhat pleasant to pass the quarantine time. So think about what you’ve dreamt of doing and do it now; if you haven’t got the materials, spend your time planning now and once the quarantine is over you can go out and purchase what you need and start a lot faster than without the prior planning.

Set a schedule

Having a lot of time on our hands doesn’t mean we cannot waste it; browsing the internet, watching the news etc can take up unlimited amounts of time and in the end you’ll feel like you’ve wasted the quarantine time “opportunity”.

Lack of normal structure can will likely make it harder not easier to organise your time effectively. Try and set some sort of a routine for yourself and if possible for your family, such as shower, exercise, work if you’re working from home, studying, research etc.

 Don’t forget to exercise

We take walking for granted – I personally don’t as I have a fitness watch to monitor my daily steps, but those who don’t , might simply not realise how much less moving around they’re doing so this needs to be compensated.

So do whatever you can, even without the gym equipment there are tons of floor work exercises, yoga and dancing. Even if following videos isn’t for you, just put the music on and move around in your own style as after all noone is watching you. Not only your body will thank you but so will your mind, as exercise will certainly boost your spirits.

Change your thinking

This is a personal battle for me as well that instead of being positive of what I’m blessed with, I find myself constantly complaining of not being able to go out. Well, complaining only puts you down and drains your energy and if you are to make productive use of the time, you need to stay positive. As hard as it may sound, try and see quarantine as an opportunity rather than punishment. Think of what you can do rather than of what you cannot.

Limit the news watching

As tempting as it is to try and keep abreast of all the news especially as you are inside not knowing what’s happening on the outside, limit this to a maximum of once a day. Continuous news watching sets panic, has highly contagious negativity and is energy draining, taking your time and life force away from doing something useful or pleasant.

To be honest, there are a lot of fake news, distorted news and also the news is designed to keep you scared to begin with.

Set boundaries with your family

I know they say you should be grateful for the opportunity to spend with your family and loved ones and appreciate every moment, but realistically speaking too much time together can drive everyone crazy and quarrels can ensue.

The sooner you realise this and act, the better it will be for everyone involved.Try and set boundaries, times not to be disturbed etc; respect each others need for privacy and space - something taken for granted outside of quarantine time.

Also, ensure to compromise and avoid conflict as staying together 24/7 in a conflictive situation will create a toxic environment for all, making an already emotionally difficult situation even worse. Support each other, not bring each other down.  

Look after yourself

Not going out is no excuse letting yourself go. Needless to say that you must maintain good hygiene, kempt hair and also try and look nice for yourself if not for your family, as wearing pyjamas all day will just leave you feeling sleepy, lazy and you’re unlikely to get anything productive done.

Wash your clothes regularly and put clothes on that are comfortable and make you feel good at the same time. Putting on make-up might be a tad excessive but using products that make hydrate your skin, hair and make you smell nice to yourself and others ( not too much perfiume!) shouldn't be abandoned.

The same goes without saying for maintaining a clean and orderly house.

Manage your emotions

As mentioned above, setting boundaries with those you share your home with, eating well, regular sleep patterns, positive way of thinking and doing regular exercise should help you manage when the going gets tough.

However, at times, you may be simply too overwhelmed and feel like no matter how much you try you simply cannot force yourself to do anything. Perhaps, this is when meditation and breathing exercises might help. Just type "anti-stress meditation" or "breathing relaxation techniques" into Youtube and select the video that appeals the most to you.

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Finally, remember that quarantine isn’t forever but only for a period of time, so stay strong and positive and make the most of it. Feel free to leave a comment with a  tip of your own or a comment.