#grs clinic montreal

[makes-cents-doesnt-it]

Hey, I just got the forms to fill out for the GRS clinic, and I have no clue how to do this.

Is there anyone I can ask some questions without judgement?

[answersfromzestual]

I’m going to have bottom surgery and I wanted to know, if I am not too indiscrete, what’s name of the surgeon/s who operated you, since you say the result is pretty good. Hope it doesn’t bother u

Hello Anon,

It's no worries at all!

Dr Belanger was my surgeon. She did all of my procedures. She is a very fine surgeon and gives great results.

https://www.grsmontreal.com/en/surgeries/female-to-male/6-phalloplasty.html

This is the clinic I underwent all of my procedures. This website is really great to read through. It goes very in depth about how their clinic performs the procedures and lays them out.

Good luck Anon, wishing you the best on your journey.

Stay Golden Anon

✌️💙🩷

[allthecanadianpolitics]

Re: top surgery and BMI in Ontario, (NOTE: I use BMI numbers in this message) the Women's Health College in Toronto is the only provider I'm aware of with no BMI limit. I can't speak personally to the rest of the experience there as I'm just on the waitlist (2 year wait). I strongly advise fellow fat people to do their own research and advocacy. My access was delayed by more than a year b/c my referrer sent me to the McLean clinic (limit of 35, which I found out in a really horrible intake appointment) and then to GRS Montreal (limit of 40) after I had told my referrer my concerns as a fat person and that I was relying on them to help me navigate BMI limits because I don't monitor my weight due to an ED history.

~~~~

[pupintransit]

Hey folks! My little corner of the internet has been getting a lot of attention lately, so I'll start by saying I appreciate everyone who is leaving comments across here and Bluesky, and to the folks who have been asking me about my experiences. It's rewarding to be able to chat with folks about a trans experience they aren't familiar with, and even to help others on their own journeys. So, thanks <3

I do get a handful of questions more than others though, and I know that not everybody is going to feel comfortable reaching out privately to ask stuff, or will have the time to go through my archive of blog posts to find an answer to what they may be curious about it. To that end, I've decided to write a FAQ about my experience with my gender identity and with my gender affirming surgery. This is a living document and will be updated as we go.

1: WHAT SURGERY DID YOU GET?

I opted for penile-inversion full-depth vaginoplasty, and saw Dr. Brassard at GRS Montreal for the procedure. My care at their site was suberb, and I have absolutely no regrets!

2: ARE YOU ON ANY HORMONES?

Yup! I take testosterone injections once a week. I have no plans to begin estrogen or any other feminizing hormones. The testosterone is to maintain my masculine gender presentation and keep my bones healthy.

3: WHAT IS YOUR BMI?

At the time of surgery my BMI was 37. GRS Montreal had a cap of 40, although most other places hover around 35. Check with your surgical team if they have any BMI or weight restrictions!

4: ARE YOU A TRANS MAN?

Nope! I was assigned male at birth. I used to call myself an AMAB trans masc, and while I think it's still a useful label to describe my experiences, it is (ahem) a touch controversial. I try to avoid introducing myself that way now and opt for simply nonbinary instead.

5: WHY DID YOU GET BOTTOM SURGERY?

For as long as I can remember I hated my penis and testes. They were in the way, they looked so strange being affixed to me, and having/seeing the buldge they created in my pants made me feel like such a creep. Growing up girls made me jealous because they had vulvas, and when I learned what trans men were in my late teens that envy intensified because they essentially had my dream body; a man with a pussy. I was well on my way to thirty before I realized what I was experiencing was dysphoria, and learning that I could do something about it without being femme was an incredible relief. It's easily been the best decision I've ever made.

6: WHAT DOES SEX AND MASTURBATION FEEL LIKE?

I dunno about sex just yet, but I can tell you with confidence that being penetrated with a dildo feels amazing! And don't even get me started on clitoral stimulation, holy shit. It's like everything that isn't your body just vanishes. You become a vessel for sexual pleasure. My penis never made me feel like that, and I don't miss it.

7: CAN YOU ORGASM?

Yup! I feel the same muscles contract that I did when I had a penis, only now it's focused on a smaller area due to how those muscles were rearranged during the surgery. I don't always cum, but when I do it's much thinner than it was with my penis, and doesn't rocket out of me like it used it. Instead it kind of flows out like a river.

8: WHAT WERE THE STEPS TO GET BOOKED FOR SURGERY?

I had to obtain a single surgical readiness assessment (basic informed consent stuff) in addition to getting everything okayed health-wise by my general practitioner and my surgery team. Once the assessment was sent in, my surgical team got in touch and a few back and forth phone calls later I was booked!

Some countries and clinics have different requirements, so this might be universal to your experience. Double check what you need to acquire before making any appointments!

9: WERE YOU ON HORMONES BEFORE SURGERY?

Nope! The new WPATH standards indicate that it's no longer a strict requirement, but having said that some countries and clinics are still picky about it. Double check what those requirements may be for your region before booking anything!

10: WHAT WAS RECOVERY LIKE?

Sucked! A lot! People heal in different ways and I am not remotely qualified to tell people how to avoid or mitigate pain. If you've ever had an invasive surgery before I'd wager it'd be comparable, but that's a question better geared toward your regular doctor.

11: DO YOU STILL DILATE?

Not only do I still dilate, I will have to dilate for the rest of my life. It's not comfortable per se, but the more you heal the easier it gets and the less often you have to do it. It genuinely isn't as big a downside as people think.

12: WHAT KIND OF BOTTOM SURGERY SHOULD I GET?

If you have to ask that means you're not sure if you want this, so the answer is none of them. At least for now. Take the time to unpack why you're considering lower surgery, and see a gender-affirming therapist who can help guide you. While the regret rate for gender affirming care is miniscule at best, it can still happen and you need to be prepared for what you're getting into. This is not an easy decision to make even when it's the correct one, and it's certainly not an easy recovery. "I don't know" isn't good enough.

[imstillhere-butallislost]

Hi! At the time of writing I got out of surgery 6 hours ago at grs Montreal. Double incision with nipple grafts. Here is my big post detailing eeeeverything about my actual surgery experience and the day leading up to it.

First of all, I just want to say for everyone considering grs Montreal that the clinic no longer does drainless top surgery. I was told in my consultation that they ONLY do drains now because they don't want to take any chances with healing.

It's worth stating that my support person was with me the whole time really, just not when I was dressing or when I was taken from the recovery room to actually go get surgery. You will not be alone!

I had to fly in to Montreal for surgery, and will be flying back home on Sunday.

It was pretty nerve wracking trying to set up and understand everything through email because I was in a different province, but it all worked out. The clinic payed for all of the car rides, and my province reimburses the plane tickets and covers the hotel stay. The clinic also covers 50 dollars of Uber eats credits per day.

The night before I had to take a shower and use hair removal cream and antibacterial soap. Let me tell u that Hair removal cream was ROUGH. It didn't take everything off and it also have me a lot of irritation under my arms. But I got it done and got a drive to the clinic the next morning after I showered again.

At the clinic, you are immediately given paperwork. You do this, and then you wait. I waited maybe about 2 hours or so before being called and told it's time for me to go out of the waiting room. I met with a nurse, went over more paperwork and had some vitals taken, then she took me to get dressed in a hospital gown and take a pregnancy test.

This starts a long hour and a half being unable to produce any liquid to be able to take a pregnancy test. I couldn't do it, so I just got to go upstairs for surgery with another person. It was pretty strange to have people all around you switching from French to English to speak to different people. I got out in a big room with room for maybe 6 beds, for people waiting to go in to surgery and people recovering from surgery. The other patient I came up with had a little stuffed octopus, was pretty cool. Once again I was asked to take the pregnancy test, but I wasn't allowed to drink since midnight the previous night so I just couldn't. They could NOT do the surgery without a pregnancy test due to anesthesia. I had to be hooked up to an IV before surgery in order to get fluid in me so I could take the test, but it was done and it was negative (yay!).

After the test, I was immediately taken away from the recovery room and moved into a very very small room directly outside the surgery room. This is where I had the surgery guidelines done on my chest immediately. Everything happened very quickly after the pregnancy test,because they had been waiting on me to be able to do it. The drawing of the guidelines was a little strange for me bc the surgeon (Dr laungani) had to remove most of my robe, but it was all fine.

I was taken into the surgery room and told to get up on the table, they had me lay down like I was Jesus on the cross, and then the mask was going over my face and the anesthesiologist told me to think happy thoughts and then I was out. No counting or anything, I was just out.

And then I woke up in a different room, vision blurry because i had anesthesia and also didn't have my glasses. I was asked how I was feeling and well, I was feeling completely fine. Maybe a little slight pain but nothing major. I remember thinking for a slight second that o was dreaming, but then I remembered everything that had happened earlier in my the day.

From that point I stayed awake the entire time and was wheeled to the recovery room. In the recovery room they knew again asked how I was and did vitals, and I said my pain was about a three out of 10 and was given Tylenol. All of the nurses were extremely nice, one apologized for all the pressure to make sure I took the pregnancy test earlier which was nice. I was allowed to lay down for like an hour, drank some water and ate because I was sooooo hungry, the clinic gave me one piece of cheese. I had big ice packs on me, and there was a huge stain on my body from stomach to neck and shoulders, which I was told was an anti septic. I was able to wipe that off, have a demo on how to empty drains and what my meds all do, and then I was able to leave after I used the bathroom and got dressed. I was able to do all of this on my own relatively easy, and then I was able to go back to where I was staying and that's where I've been!

Ive already emptied my drains on my own and am able to get up and walk around, i have pretty minimal pain right now and am only using Tylenol instead of the strong pain meds they prescribed. But yeah that's it, comment or DM me if you have any questions or anything!

[college-girl199328]

Federal Justice Minister Arif Virani said Thursday he has reservations about a suite of measures Alberta Premier Danielle Smith is about to introduce to curb access to certain transgender health services for kids and ban gender-diverse people from some sporting events. Speaking to reporters on Parliament Hill, Virani said Smith's promised measures amount to "targeting and demonizing" trans children.

Asked if he plans to pursue a legal challenge, Virani pointed out that the province hasn't enacted the measures yet. Health Minister Mark Holland said he's "deeply disturbed" by the province's plan, which he said will put children at risk.

A spokesperson for Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre told CBC News the party has no comment on what Smith is doing in Alberta. A majority of Conservative Party delegates at a recent policy convention endorsed adding similar measures to their policy book.

Most of the federal Tories (69 percent) at the Quebec City meeting agreed that young people should be barred from gender-affirming care.

Delegates also supported a policy that calls for single-sex spaces that are open only to women, along with other trans-related initiatives that have been called discriminatory by some.

The Liberals' reaction comes a day after Smith took to social media to announce her plan to "preserve for our children the right to grow and develop into mature adults" and block them from making "permanent and irreversible decisions regarding one's biological sex."

The proposed policies include banning so-called "top" and "bottom" surgeries for minors aged 17 and under and restricting puberty blockers and hormone therapy for children 15 and under. The sorts of surgeries Smith is promising to ban are rarely available to children in Canada.

According to the World Professional Association of Transgender Health (WPATH)'s standards of care — which are followed by clinics like Montreal's GrS, where many such surgeries are performed — a person must reach the age of majority (18 in most provinces) before being allowed to undergo gender reassignment surgery. Some exceptions are made for top surgery (mastectomy) for kids 16 and over. Puberty blockers are hormone-suppressing agents that pause the progression of puberty for as long as people are on them. They are sometimes prescribed for younger children after consulting with a doctor. They may be combined with hormone therapies, some of which could have long-term, irreversible effects.

Smith said teachers will need to get third-party instruction material on gender identity, sexual orientation, and human sexuality approved by the province before using them in the classroom, and parents will have to opt students into every classroom discussion of sex education, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Parents are allowed to opt out of such classroom discussions now. Minors aged 15 and under will also need parental consent to change the names and pronouns they use at school.

Kids aged 16 and 17 will need to notify their parents of such a change, but they don't need their consent to use the names or pronouns they choose. The new policy also bans transgender women from competing in women's sports leagues. Smith suggested these trans athletes could instead be accommodated in "coed" or "gender neutral" sports divisions.

While the new policies would restrict what transgender children can do, Smith said she cares "deeply" about gender diversity and supports the right of adults to pursue transgender care.

She also vowed to recruit at least one medical professional who specializes in transgender surgery to practice in Alberta so people don't have to travel to other jurisdictions like Quebec. Holland said Smith's moves are "dangerous" and accused her of "playing politics with children's lives."

Women and Gender Equality Minister Marci Ien called the Alberta measures "reprehensible." She said she was disturbed by Smith's video, in which she featured the premier speaking in soft tones over "spa-like" background music as she announced a plan to restrict rights.

Ien sought to tie the measures to Smith's recent meeting with conservative TV personality Tucker Carlson, who visited Alberta last week and made a homophobic joke about the prime minister.

Employment Minister Randy Boissonnault, a gay man who represents Edmonton in the House of Commons, said he spent the night on the phone consoling trans kids who are worried about what these changes could mean for them. He said there's a pervasive fear among some trans kids that their classmates will "out" them to teachers and parents before they're comfortable with revealing their sexual identity.

Boissonault also raised the possibility of clawing back federal health transfers to Alberta to send a message that the changes won't fly.

While Smith's plan was condemned by Liberals in Ottawa, it earned the praise of the Campaign Life Coalition, a social conservative group that has derided same-sex marriage and has campaigned to limit abortion access.

Egale Canada and the Stepping Stone Foundation, two LGBTQ groups, issued a joint statement vowing legal action if the policies are enacted.

They accused Smith of playing politics with "some of the most vulnerable members of our society: trans and gender diverse youth."

The Canadian Civil Liberties Association (CCLA), which is challenging New Brunswick's trans-related measures in the courts, called the policies "a clear and blatant attack on freedom" and promised to fight them.

[reallifenightmares36]

My Transition Story

Hi, my name is Tyler, I'm a transmute and I'd like to write about my transition story, I'll get into how and when I knew that I was who I am later on in another post. Keep smiling and follow me if you like.

It was in December of 2018 when I had gone to my family Dr and asked him on how to go about getting a Sex Change because I did not feel comfortable at all being in the body that I was born in, I knew that that was not me, before 2018, I tried to commit suicide 4 or 5 times. In 2018, my Dr sent in the referral to CAMH out in Toronto, Ontario and I started seeing my Psychologist on January 11th, 2019, her name was Dr. Leah Keeting, with the Adult Gender Identity Clinic. Leah was alone, beautiful and understanding, I felt like I had known her for awhile but, yet, I had just met the woman. I was seeing Leah for 2 years going through the psychological aspect of it all, damn that was a pain in the ass but, you have to do what needs to be done, you have to go through the steps before anything can happen. It doesn't happen over night.

In 2021, I was finally approved to go on testosterone and that was a waiting game in itself, again, a pain in the ass... royally. I was referred to my Endocrinologist, Dr. Raymond Fung out in Toronto and got on Testestorone injections on April 19th, 2021, I was nervous for the first needle, and it took awhile before any changes but, believe me, it is definitely worth the wait and seeing the changes happen as they go. I take my testosterone injections every week on a Friday, have been now for the last 2 years.

I legally applied to have my name changed in 2021 as well, which became legal on April 26th, 2021... now that, was a severe pain in the ass as well, nothing comes easy. I sent the name change application back 5 times because they kept mailing it back to me saying that I was missing some documents that needed to go with it, I was definitely missing something alright, I kept forgetting that I needed to have a Criminal Record check down and at the time, I was a licensed Security Guard with a Clean Record, I thought that the Government would've known that first hand because I had an Ontario Security License but, then I realized damn, it is a different Government because Ontario is Provincial, whereas I had to send it to the Federal Government... oops, that was my fuck up there, haha. When my name change became legal and I got my name change certificate in the mail, the very next day, I went to have all my ID switched over into my now legal name, standing in a lineup at Service Ontario was not the highlight of my day, it was when it was all said and done because now I can be the man that I'm meant to be, be my authentic self.

In July of 2021, I had applied and filled out a bunch of paperwork for top surgery that was going to be at GRS Montreal, they are the hospital that have been doing it the longest and the ones who were a hell of a lot more experienced with the Gender changes. On January 12th, 2022 I had finally had top surgery to get to, so we left on the 11Th of January to be there for my surgery in the morning. I'm not going to lie but, the day of surgery, I was scared shitless, I couldn't sit still and annoying my older brother Jayden who had been sitting behind the wheel, driving and laughing at me. My brother was laughing because he is also a transmute like I am and I reminded him of himself when he was going up for the surgery, cause he was freaking the hell out too. My surgeon was a woman and she definitely knew what she was doing, I trust the woman with my life. My surgeon was amazing, kind and beautiful on the inside and out.

When I woke up in recovery after the procedure I didn't feel any pain at all, surprisingly, I actually had to look to see if they were gone. They said that the first 24 hours I'd be feeling a shitload of pain but, I didn't feel a damn thing to be real, I had no pain but, the drain tubes were not hurting, they were just really annoying because they would pinch my skin. The drain tubes were the most irritating and annoying part of it all, they liked to bite once in awhile. A week after surgery, I was back to doing TikTok videos again, and 3 weeks after, wanted to go back to work but, wasn't allowed to lift anything over 10 pounds, and I worked at General Motors in Oshawa. My Surgeons letter stated that I couldn't go back to work for 6 weeks but, my family Dr cleared me to go back after 3 weeks, I was ready but, unfortunately, work took the Surgeons letter over my family Drs letter and still kept me off for 6 weeks, damn it, I was going insane, I hate being off work, it annoys the hell out of me. A week and a half after surgery one of my drain tubes came out on it's own, my incision was doing great and it was healing quite fast, my body was rejecting the foreign objects out of my body, which is a good thing. I healed faster than expected. Had no pain. I didn't even take my pain medication, the gave me OxyCodine and that shit, I will refuse any day of the week, I hate narcotics. Highly addictive bastards they are.

Flash forward to September 15th, 2022, I was approved for the funding through CAMH for my Hysterectomy. Friday I went to my family Dr to get a referral for Dr, Helena Frecker in Toronto as well, well didn't expect a phone call from her office the same day as the referral went in but, I got that phone call at about 3pm in the afternoon. I have my first initial appointment with her on December 22nd, 2023, so I guess, we'll see how that goes, I'm ready though, I just want this so called "lady reproductive system", something I don't need or want in my body at all. I can't wait until it is gone.

Written by: Tyler Matthew Elijah McKelvey

[grsmedical]

Common Myths about CPAP Therapy Debunked

If you're considering using a CPAP machine to manage your sleep apnea, it's essential to understand the potential risks and side effects associated with this treatment option. Normand Lapointe is a Respiratory Care Practitioner and Founder/Owner of GRS Medical. He says that CPAP machines are generally safe and effective, and the majority of side effects are minor and can be easily managed.   

What are the common side effects of using a CPAP machine?  

The most common side effect is mouth dryness, which can be alleviated by using a humidifier attached to your CPAP machine. Other possible side effects may include aerophagia (bloating or gas), bleeding nose due to lower humidity, dry eyes caused by mask leaks, nasal congestion, headaches, and skin irritation. It's important to note that rare cases of pneumothorax (collapsed lung), arrhythmias (irregular heartbeats), or hypotension (low blood pressure) have been reported, but according to Normand, these occurrences are extremely uncommon. 

How can the side effects of CPAP machines be managed? 

If you experience any side effects while using a CPAP machine, Normand advises that you contact one of his sleep disorder clinics in Montreal and Quebec. His team of sleep specialists can provide guidance and support in managing these issues. Most side effects can be easily managed with some trial and error, such as adjusting mask fit, using a humidifier, or exploring different mask options. It's important to remember that the long-term benefits of CPAP therapy in achieving restful sleep outweigh these minor side effects. 

Understanding the potential side effects of CPAP machines is vital when considering sleep apnea treatment options. Normand and his team of sleep experts at GRS Medical can help get you set up with your CPAP machine and ensure your comfort and overall well-being. Don't hesitate to reach out if you experience any side effects while using a CPAP machine. Remember, a good night's sleep is crucial for your health, and with proper management, CPAP therapy can significantly improve your sleep quality and overall quality of life. 

[orchidqueer]

Montreal Top Surgery Review

I had my top surgery done at the GRS Clinic in Montreal on January 17th, 2018. It was unquestionably the right decision for me. I am happy with my results, I had a good experience, and I would recommend their clinic to anyone who needs or wants gender-related surgeries. My surgeon was Dr. Bensimon. Here's a more detailed review.

You may share this post with anyone you please. When sharing it, please share the entire thing. Do not critique or argue with my feelings about my own body. Bear in mind that this post only represents my own experience. I am sharing it as a learning tool, but the experiences of other people will be influenced by many factors, and will not be exactly the same as my own.

--THE EVENT--

Being as it was 4.5 years ago, I cannot guarantee that my memories of the actual event are accurate or all-encompassing. Here's what I do remember. I took the train from Toronto to Montreal with my mother. The hotel associated with the clinic is large old house, with rooms for approximately 8 patients and their companions. Everyone there was also getting surgeries the same day as I was. We ate our meals together. It felt like some kind of summer camp.

On the day of the surgery, we had trouble with the cab that was booked for us, and ended up calling an Uber. At the clinic, I was asked to take a couple tablets of painkillers with a shot of water. When I was let into the preparation room, the surgeon drew on my chest with marker where the incisions would be, and explained a bit about them. I was let into the surgery room and hooked up to an IV. The staff were open and friendly as they monitored my descent into unconsciousness.

I woke up some time later in a waiting room, my bed along side a couple other patients' beds. The nurse asked me if I was in pain. I was groggy and out of it. I asked her a couple times to go tell my mother that I was ok. Later I woke up again in a different waiting room, which was more private, and my mother was allowed in. Once I was feeling less hazy, we got the painkiller prescriptions at the front desk and filled them at the pharmacy next door. They were not covered, and I don't recall how much they cost.

All in all, my stay at the clinic was most of the day. I got there in the morning and left late in the afternoon. I stayed at the hotel for another night or two, and we took the train back to Toronto. Everyone we spoke to spoke English.

I recovered more quickly and better than I expected. I wasn't allowed to shower for a little while, and when I was allowed, I had to be very careful not to scrub at my incisions. I went to a drop-in clinic on Church street to get the bandages taken off my nipples and for a follow-up check-up.

The painkillers prescribed to me were strong enough that I was in minimal pain for the first week or so of my recovery. When I started to wean myself off the opiates and onto Tylenol, that's when it was most painful and difficult. The incisions felt sharp and prickly. Like a wound, of course, but also like coming inside on a freezing winter's day. You know when you've been cold enough to get numb, and then you get something like pins and needles when you suddenly step into a hot room? It was sort of like that, but more intense. Speaking of painkillers, you're not allowed to take Ibuprofen for a couple weeks on either side of the surgery. I think it interacts with the anesthetics they use.

About two weeks and change after the date, I was still sore but pretty well functional otherwise. However, you're not allowed to lift anything more than 10 lbs for 4-6 weeks after your surgery. Living alone, this meant that I wasn't able to go out for groceries. Mom stocked me up before she left. Aside from that, raising my arms over my head took some time to get used to again. I was grateful to have button-up plaid shirts for my recovery.

At the time, I was unpacking and shelving stock at Michaels. I think I booked 4-5 weeks off, but I went back to work half a week before my leave of absence was over.

About scar cream: I didn't use it for a long time after my surgery, but I did apply it about once or twice a week once I felt it was safe to do so. I have no idea whether it had much effect, but for the record, I was using new-skin scar fade silicon gel. I stays slimy on your skin for a while after you apply it, so I didn't enjoy it much.

--THE RESULTS--

At the time of my surgery, I weighed approximately 180lbs, and I was a D38 cup. As of right now, I weigh 230lbs. The surgeon told me that if I worked out and got more fit after my surgery, I would get better results from the contouring. Obviously, that didn't happen. I have a very minor amount of dog-earing, but it's nothing someone would notice without looking for it. I'm very happy with the shape of my chest. It's not geometrically flat, but it's in line with the chest you'd expect a 230lb man to have. Between that and being on HRT since 2014, I almost never get misgendered any more. I'm comfortable wearing tight shirts when it's situationally appropriate. I haven't been shirtless at the beach, but I would guess that if a trans-oblivious person saw me, they would be curious about the scars and nothing more.

My scars have lightened up enough to match my overall skin tone. They're still visible. They're raised, they meet in the middle, and they go all the way back to my armpits. I don't have any pain in them, even when there's weather. I don't feel that I have to be careful about them. I'd still be more hesitant to get tattoos over them than the rest of my skin, though.

My nipples are kind of weird. They're definitely passable from a distance. But they don't taper into the rest of my skin, and there's a slightly-visible ring of scarring around them. The entire nipple is raised by about a millimeter from my skin. I do not have nubs. I do not believe it would be possible to get them pierced, if I wanted to. They had no sensation for a couple years, but I do have sensation in them now.

I've attached photos to this post, so you can see for yourself.

[chloebear93]

Update

So I finally got approval for my srs surgery in Montreal at the GRS clinic. They sent off the request to BC for funding and in about a month I'll have my date to go for the surgery!!!! I've been waiting for this moment for my whole life I'm so excited to finally be me and feel confident in my self. I'm so thankful to all my followers and friends who have been so supportive and am so proud to be a member of this tumblr community. I will be setting up a go fund me account because unfortunately my flight there is not covered and will cost around 800 dollars so if any one can donate anything at all I will be so grateful and u will be helping me reach my dreams thank you everyone who took the time to read this and I will be posting everything about my surgery trip there and recovery in case any of you are curious thanks so much and I love you all!!!!!

[ftmcanadians]

Hey besides the mclean clinic, and the montreal one do you know of any good canadian top surgeons. I'm willing to travel within canada for it to speed up some wait times for me.

Here is a breakdown of listed top surgeons in Canada as of October 2017.

Alberta

Dr. William De Haas, MDRiverview Surgical Centre 3125 Bowwood Dr. NW Calgary, AB

Dr. Martin Giuffre, MD, FRCSC Plastic and Cosmetic Laser Surgical Centre at Meadowlark 178 Meadowlark CentreEdmonton, AB

Dr. Lisa Korus, MD #227 9148 23 Ave. NW Edmonton, AB

Dr. Rodrigo Neira, MD5201 43 St. Red Deer, AB

Dr. Kirsten Westburg, MD4419 50 Ave., #101A Red Deer, AB

British Columbia

Dr. Cameron Bowman, MD Fairview Plastic Surgery Centre999 West Broadway, #480 Vancouver, BCMSP-covered.

Dr. Lorne Brown, MD #830-6091 Gilbert Rd. Richmond, BC(Keyhole)

Dr. Michael Jacoby, MD 105-1315 Summit Dr. Kamloops, BC

Dr. Jason Gray, MDDr. Jennifer Robinson, MDDr. Christopher Taylor, MDVictoria Surgery 1625 Oak Bay Ave. Victoria, BCMSP-covered.

Manitoba

Dr. Kenneth Murray, MD, FRCSC, FACSPlastic Surgery Associates444 Saint Mary Avenue, Suite 240Winnipeg, MB

Dr. Stephanie Olivier, MD Health Sciences Centre 820 Sherbrook St.Winnipeg, MB

Dr. Robert Turner, MD, FRCSC Aesthetic Solutions Winnipeg Unit 10, 1250 Waverley St. Winnipeg, MB

Nova Scotia

Dr. Louis Boileau, MD The Landings Surgical Centre 1477 Lower Water St., Ste 7A Halifax, NS

Ontario

Dr. Ali Adbifar MD, DDS, FRCS©, FRCD©195 Avenue Rd.Toronto, ON

Dr. Mitch Brown, MD & Dr. John Semple, MDWomen’s College HospitalToronto, ONTakes OHIP.

Dr. Marc DuPere, MD, CM, FRCSC Visage ClinicFashion District, 179 John Street, #209Toronto, ON

Dr. Mario Jarmuske, MD FRCSCThe Ottawa Hospital501 Smyth Road, Module S, Room S6Ottawa, ON(Admin note: Pretty sure takes OHIP)

Dr. Hugh McLean, MDDr. Giancarlo McEvenue, MD FRCSCMcLean Clinic 50 Burnhamthorpe Rd. West, #343 Mississauga, ON Uses informed consent, takes OHIP.

Dr. Marietta Zorn, MD FRCSCRouge Valley Health System, Centenary Site2863 Ellesmere Rd.Scarborough, Ontario M1E 5E9Takes OHIP.

Quebec

Dr. Pierre Brassard, MD, FRCS-CDr. Maud Belanger, MD, FRCS-C Dr. Eric Bensimon, MD, FRCS GRS Montreal995 De Salaberry Montreal, QCTakes OHIP.

I can only speak of my experience with Dr. McLean but maybe folks have experience with surgeons on this list. 

- Teagan

[thisdiabolicalvarnish]

Life update

I haven’t been on tumblr much because of work, school, and mostly using Discord as an outlet, but in case anyone is curious:

School is going okay. Some of my classes are conceptually challenging and exasperating; I don’t plan on going into records management and have no interest in learning how to arrange file cabinets; but I’m doing pretty well so far. I’ve been quite stressed from being so swamped with obligations and feeling like I’m falling behind, but so far I’ve been keeping up with things and maintaining my academic standards. I’ve also been very exasperated with my classmates recently. With the student association organization leadership has been unassertive and spendthrift; with class participation they’ve shown inexperience and juvenility. One girl in particular keeps bringing up diversity in class discussions like it’s a brand new and novel concept, without any idea of the purpose or actualization thereof. I feel like it’s a white guilt brought to bear on the entire class, without any frame of reference outside of two Mi’Kmaq women giving a presentation about recognizing indigenous cultural traditions.

I gave my work notice today! I like my coworkers and don’t actually mind doing shifts during the school year, but with the amount of studying I need to do it’s difficult for me to maintain my wellbeing while also keeping up the minimum part time ours they needed. I put off getting my prescription delivered to me for over a week, put off getting a new ID for 2+ months, put off getting a new phone for so long that I’m putting it off longer because there are no promo plans right now. I wasn’t getting enough exercise because I felt like I didn’t have enough time to go to the gym or spend the amount of time I’d like at the gym. I wasn’t studying as much as I’m comfortable with. Next week will be my last week.

After over ten years of ~transition~, I finally have ID a male gender marker. I updated my birth certificate and provincial ID, mostly because my ID was expired and I needed a new one to get a new phone and buy liquor (I still don’t have a new phone). It was actually pretty painless; I got the provincial form, that was created after recent-ish legislation mandated the allowance to change gender marker without documented bottom surgery, filled out during my last endo appointment, and handed it over with my birth certificate at Vital Statistics to little fanfare and more money than I’d like. I wish I’d been able to do that when I changed my name, but at the time you needed multiple letters certifying you’d had genital reconstruction to have the marker changed. It took over a month to arrive, which was slightly better than my lost in the mail birth certificate in 2010, and it took another couple of weeks for me to have a weekday free to stop by again to get a new piece of photo ID with the corrected gender marker. The clerk was kind of weird and I couldn’t tell if it was because she knew I was trans/changing my gender marker or if she was just enthusiastic and flirty.

I’ve made contact with GRS Montreal to start getting my shit together for bottom surgery. Since I’ve been so busy the progress I’ve made has basically stalled at having the forms I need to submit, but I don’t even really know how to fill them out. The next step it making an appointment with the sexual health clinic, from which I also need the last injection of a hepatitis vaccine, to get some of the forms filled out and get the information on how to fill out the rest of them. The Montreal clinic isn’t really great at providing information on how to go about things, but I’m not in a huge rush; I have until 2019 to have surgery, and ideally would like to have it next summer or fall. Once I’ve finished up at Starbucks I would be good to book an appointment with the clinic and figure things out. I’m anxious about my surgery date interfering with my employment prospects considering I’ll need over a month off of work for recovery and with the method I want will have to go back at least one more time for additional procedures, but I am motivated to do this and finally finish the last medical aspect of transition.

SPEAKING OF WHICH: I really want to plan a vacation once I’ve finished school! I don’t have anything really specific in mind, other than visiting the West coast and possibly China/southern Japan. I’d really like to hike the Yellow Mountains and Yakushima; mostly I want to explore British Columbia with the objective of deciding whether I want to move out there. It’s a long time coming; I’ve wanted to move to a more moderate climate for most of my life; and I’ve never even been west of Ontario before. I have a decent savings and will have quite a bit more once I settle finances with my ex. I’m thinking of either planning a trip for a couple of weeks prior to surgery or a few months after. Now that I think about it, visiting during the winter might be the best thing, both to get away from awful weather and figure out how I feel about the climate. I was also thinking of spending at least a few days in Oregon; it would be slightly more complex for me to move to the States, and kind of a culture shock, but if there are employment opportunities it’s definitely a place that I’m considering. I guess maybe also Washington? I’m just sick of foot-of-ice-street winters.

Chinese stuff has pretty much stagnated; once in a while I’ll read a couple of simple stories or refresh my memory on some concept, but again between school and work it’s hard to find time and motivation to put into it.

I think that’s kind of it. I’m really not motivated to engage with the internet, but if you want to keep in contact, I’m still around. I’m feeling kind of weird after some community stuff that happened wrt boundaries and gaslighting, but I’m mostly just bored with discourse and and the cyclical nature of nutrans identity politics and outrage. I’ve been listening to a lot of Harmontown and become even more enamored with Kumail Nanjiani.

[answersfromzestual]

Improved Blog Directory - Find what you need

BLOG RULES: PLEASE READ

Educational Article on the Phalloplasty Surgical Procedure -self written

Beginning testosterone, testosterone hormone therapy - Article on HRT

How to choose clothing/shoe sizes during transition - clothing on smaller feet and frames

Formal Wear - how to dress formally during transition.

Need to speak to someone? Do you need help with your legal name change? Please click here. Translifeline.org

USA Safe States for Trans-People (Constantly Updated by the website Owner)

What to Update After Legal Name Change

Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Testosterone - storage, travel, and injection advice

Facial Hair Information- Tips and Tricks on How to Shave (HRT)

Frequently Asked Questions about Phalloplasty - My [personal] Experiences

How can one ejaculate after phalloplasty procedure? -ask answered.

Common Phalloplasty Misconceptions- Article

Male Mannerisms- help to know male gestures, wording, and attitude- (ask)

Testosterone Experiences That Caught Me Off Guard - (Ask)

Safe Binding and Packing - Articles Purchase Sites Also

Staying Stealth During Surgeries, Explaing Scarring - advice (ask)

Top Surgery (both ftm & mtf), procedures, and approximate costs.

Can I have top surgery and be overweight?

Keyhole Top Surgery Procdure- Outline and what qualifies you as a potential candidate

Finding a Top Surgeron in North America

So You Just Had Surgery (Top)- Advice on the best way to heal after surgery/ minimize scarring.

Is more time on the operating table really better? Operating time and infection information.

Metoidioplasty FAQ

My arm and upper thigh after about a decade after phalloplasty.

My Personal Surgeon and Their Clinic

Interview with Dr. Chen about Bottom Surgery

Penile/ Phalloplasty Erectile Devices

Expectations- Personal Advice on Setting Expectations

Urethra lengthening Procedure Information- Self written article.

Importance of Uriologist

Phalloplasty Website - Includes Parents Guide

Urethra Lengthening Procedure

General Surgical Risks

Plus Sized Surgery Risks

List of Phalloplasty Surgerons in the USA

Vaginal-Perservering Phalloplasty Procedure

Graft SiteCare for Forearm -Free Flap Phalloplasty

What Happens if Erectile Device Breaks?

Image of My Phalloplasty (wearing underwear) Educational Purposes Only

Phalloplasty Procedure Outline by GRS Montreal - (Link to Webpage)

First Ever Phalloplasty Procedure - Surgeon

Michael Dillon- Trans Pioneer (First phalloplasty patient)

How to Find Proper Sources of Information in a World of False Information/ Online Safety

Why certain terms can be hurtful. Please respect my/others views.

Tattooing over your forearm skin graft -ask

Testosterone and Hair Loss Information

If there are any other posts/ other topics I should add to this directory, please send me an ask. I will never post your username without your expressed consent in the ask.

[latebricolic-tendency]

so tomorrow I leave for Montreal, accompanying my girlfriend to the grs clinic, which seems like it’s going to be an Experience. it’s the road not travelled, when the new guidelines came out I went straight for an orchi, that was almost eight months ago, no plans beyond that - but I don’t know how an intimate look down what is frankly a much more normal surgical path is going to affect me.

[pupintransit]

I've booked my surgical readiness assessment for April 27th.

This is, objectively speaking, terrific news. The sooner I obtain my letter means the sooner I can send my papers off to GRS Montreal. It is also, objectively speaking, the scariest thing I will ever do. And I've broken up fights between intoxicated men with knives on their person, so that probably says a lot about how I'm feeling about this fuckin' appointment.

Now, on paper I meet all the requirements. I'm healthy, I have a good understanding about what the surgery entails, what the post-op requirements are, and I understand how vaginoplasty will impact the rest of my life in terms of regular maintenance (for want of a better word). Plus, I have oodles of support between my husband, friends, and family, who can all help care for me during recovery. In theory, I have nothing to worry about.

In theory.

While I don't hear near as many horror stories about barriers to health care in Canada that I do about America and the UK, it's hard not to stress about spending $300 and being told "No" right out of the gate. My biggest concern is that I won't be seen as "trans enough" by the person doing my assessment, since I don't experience dysphoria the same way a binary trans person would. Estrogen and feminization aren't part of my transition goals, so since I'm not on any hormones the person from TransCare BC I spoke to made it seem like I have to negotiate that point during my appointment. I'm not sure I have the strength for that.

It's that kind of medical gatekeeping which makes this frightening for me. I won't mention the name of the office because I'm keen not to get anyone in trouble, but there's a very well-regarded community care clinic in Vancouver that I was sternly told to avoid at all costs by a social worker I spoke to, because they dismiss the non-binary experience outright. If I'm not trans enough for them, what shot do I have with the nurse practitioner I'm seeing?

I'm cautiously optimistic this will bode well for me. I just need to wait it out. Shame that waiting is the hardest part.

[anxietycalling]

... is this thing on?

HA. After like two months of trying to break into my own goddamn tumblr account, I finally figured out what password I used. So hi. Hello. Welcome back to the internet, self.

I mostly wanted to log in to give some updates about my life and start, you know, documenting it as there is some monumental stuff in the works for me this year. I’ll put the rest of it under a cut because I’m not a barbarian.

So one of the biggest changes for me since the last time I blogged reliably is that I got diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. That was, uh, two years ago? Somewhere in that general timeframe. It’s not really that surprising, given my mother’s extreme fastidiousness that she later admitted to me is untreated OCD. I’m the only person I know who can walk soundlessly in pitch dark and make entire meals without touching food with my hands because of that. But anyways, I guess the reason it didn’t get diagnosed sooner is because, as my wonderful psychologist puts it, “You’re too smart to fall for obvious compulsions because you’re aware of how they affect your public perception, so you get trapped in the ones that are more realistic.” In other words, I intellectualize my OCD too much.  That’s not to say it doesn’t affect my life though! For... probably about a year, maybe more, I had a crippling fear of handling or preparing food for others because I had a persistent obsession that I would accidentally poison someone. At its worst it got so bad that I couldn’t touch plastic wrap or open packaging, either. Through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure response prevention (ERP), my symptoms have decreased to the point where I’m able to cook for myself and others again. I still seek reassurance more than I should - which is another symptom of OCD - but I’m working on it. Baby steps!  Most of my symptoms are manageable now, but I do still get ‘stuck’ sometimes. Like I said, I have a wonderful psychologist. She makes me do things I don’t want to do. She’s nice about it, but she’s a bit of a stickler for progress. Which is good! She’s very practical in a way that previous therapists of mine haven’t been. I don’t like the ooey-gooey “How does that make you feeeeeel? How does it relate to your tortured chiiiiildhood?” nonsense, so I’m glad we can skip that. For years I thought I was just bad at therapy, so I didn’t pursue it. Turns out that the right person with the right counselling philosophy can be a great asset in managing mental illness. Which leads me to the reason I sought out a therapist to begin with...

When I moved to Ottawa, I got a regular endocrinologist for the first time in my life. She’s wonderful and willing to work with her patients at their own level. My husband goes to the same endo (but more on him in a second...) and seeing the differences in the way she interacts with each of us is awesome. She takes time to answer my many questions and often has great practical advice about managing hormone replacement therapy. My testosterone levels have been stable for... three years now? Maybe a little more? Aside from one set of bloodwork where my hemoglobin was high, there haven’t been any major hiccups. And my endo said that it wasn’t necessarily concerning, just a precaution because we don’t know what the effects of heightened hemoglobin levels in transgender men are yet. Another thing my endocrinologist does is refer her patients to other relevant services. After my second or third appointment with her, she wrote my letter of recommendation to the government so I could change my gender designation on my birth certificate. She also did the paperwork for OHIP to cover my top surgery. I got the letter from the Ministry of Health a couple of weeks later, and started down the path to actually, you know, getting surgery. It’s more complicated than you think! She recommended me to the Montreal GRS clinic (Drs. Brassard, Belanger and Bensimon). There is a fair amount of paperwork that they request before your file even gets passed to the surgery team. One of those things was a letter of recommendation from a health professional that meets the WPATH standards of care. That’s when my endo recommended my therapist to me. The WPATH standards of care require at least 6 months of follow-up from the practitioner, so I sat down in that office once a month until I got my dang letter. And what a letter it was! Cori, my therapist, basically wrote a strongly worded letter that implies her disapproval over needing a letter at all. Why, you may ask? Because I already had years of documentation detailing my gender dysphoria and persistent desire for surgery. Literal years of it, dating back to... 2007 or so. But she wrote the letter, we continued on, and my brain is much healthier than it’s been for years. 

Getting my IDs changed was a lot more work than I expected. Like, I knew that it would take a fair amount of paperwork, and I was prepared for that. I did my gender marker change first, which involved first getting the letter of recommendation notarized and sending it off to the government to get a shiny new birth certificate with an ‘M’ on it. It took about 4 months to get my first birth certificate. After that, back to city hall I went to change the gender on my driver’s license and health card. Getting the gender marker changed was inexpensive - I paid $35 for the new birth certificate plus postage. Ottawa city hall has services that will commission (notarize) your documents for free, so I didn’t pay for that, but normally in our city it costs between $15-20.  Next I did my name change. The form itself is about 30 pages or so, and most of it is just checking boxes like “Hey, I’m not a criminal, I’m not hiding from any debts,” and then getting it notarized and mailing it off. The name change took the longest - I waited about 6 months for my new birth certificate. Changing the name on my IDs was easy. All I had to do was go back to city hall (again) and wait in line (again) and update my drivers’ license, health card and social insurance file.  For about the first month after my name change, I had a folder I carried everywhere with me. You never really realize how many places you give your name to until you have to change it. The gym, doctor’s offices - despite having socialized healthcare and a (mostly) computerized system, you have to remember to change your name at every doctor’s office you visit separately. Now I have my updated IDs, so I can just show my driver’s license. 

Now I’m going to talk about the path to getting a surgery date at GRS Montreal. Yes, I got the letter for my OHIP funding relatively quickly, but actually getting my file to the surgical team was a logistical disaster. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, by the way - I’m glad that they’re doing their due diligence and making sure everything is well documented. It’s just kind of hard when you’ve already waited for so long to stay patient.  So, yes, I got my letter from Cori after 6 months. The reason I’m so irritated about it to this day is that a couple of months after they insisted they needed this letter, I got another email from the clinic saying they didn’t need it. And then they went back and forth on it another couple of times, so Cori and I just said fuck it and did it anyways, because I do not have the patience for that kind of back-and-forth. During the interim while I was getting regularly therapized, I also did all of the medical components they required. It was basically just a visit with my family doctor so he could sign a form and say “Hey, this guy is healthy enough for surgery and I am competent to handle any complications.”  I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but having to fill out a million checkboxes and saying ‘No’ to a million health conditions I don’t have, multiple times, gets a bit tedious after a while. So I did all of that, and then I sat on my hands and waited. And waited. And waited some more. I prodded them occasionally via email, because I’m impatient at the best of times and am often bossy and direct with health professionals. Finally, after another 6 months, they passed my file on to the surgical team, who actually called me on the phone promptly to tell me the next steps. The surgical nurse literally emailed me an info packet on Jackson-Pratt drains while on the phone with me.  They gave me my surgery date in September. And now we wait again. I’m leaving for Montreal on February 25th. At this point I’m just impatient and trying to keep busy. 51 more days. The closer it gets, the more time stands still. 

My bio-dad died in... 2017? Something like that. I know, it sounds awful that I don’t remember when he died but also, he was just a shit person. He abused me, he let his girlfriend abuse me, and he continued being a terrible person even in death. There was money for me in some account he had (and had forgotten), apparently, and I spent almost a year trying to figure out how to get it with no luck. Seriously. Even my mom, who had long since divorced my bio-dad and remarried, tried - because the account manager said she had to be the one that accessed the account, even though it was in my name and I’m an adult... and my mother’s lawyer looked at the whole thing, figured out that it was super illegal, and the investment firm stopped returning my calls. What a fucking scam. And yes, I could pursue it legally if I wanted to, but I really don’t want to. I don’t have the patience or the money for lawyers.  Everyone in my family is unequivocally mad at me for not going to the funeral. I mean, why would I? Why would I go to the funeral of a man who sexually abused me and chose alcohol over both of his kids? But my family tends to be very “But faaaaaaamily!”, therefore, most of them have stopped speaking to me.  I’m not really upset by his dying, by the way. I kind of made peace with it in like 2013 or so the first time my mother called me sobbing to tell me he was on his deathbed. I wasn’t surprised then, either, that he had congestive heart failure due to alcoholism. He was so jaundiced the last time I saw him in person that he looked like a Simpsons character. He didn’t recognize me, either. My brother had to tell him that I was his own child. So that pretty much killed any kind of forgiveness I could have had for the man. To his credit, he maybe kind-of tried. If trying is calling me, on purpose, on my birthday every year to tell me what a woman I am and am becoming. Ugh. Gross. Grossgrossgross.  Also, and this is a big Also, I could not have stomached that funeral when everyone was acting like his death was so Tragic and Could Not Have Been Foreseen. Like! I remember from childhood that that man could put away a 24-pack of beer in a day. One of my fondest childhood memories of him - if you can call them that - is bottle return day, where we would wait for my mom to leave for work and then sneak his empties out of the house to return for the deposit, which he would then use to buy more beer and buy KFC for lunch. And this is a secret that we kept from my mother for, like, years. I don’t think she really ever knew the extent of his drinking. Or mine, when I was still drinking.  I wasn’t ever really bothered by his death. I had a breakdown about it, sure, but it was more about the finality of his having died without standing up for myself or demanding an explanation/apology for his behavior towards us, or for raping my brother’s girlfriend, or... anything.

I had a job with great pay, and I fucking quit it.  No, seriously. I was making $18 an hour and I walked away from it because it was driving me to a nervous breakdown. I wasn’t sleeping, I was barely eating, and I couldn’t have a day off without obsessively thinking about work. I got promoted way too quickly and sort of lied-to way too often about how things would change, they never did, and finally in October I couldn’t handle it anymore. I saw Cori and she basically told me that I needed to quit or she’d make me. And I still feel kind of bad about that, because Ash and I fought about that for months beforehand. Literal months. It’s the only thing we’ve ever fought about. But I sat in that office in tears about the thought of ever going back to McDonald’s, and it was the right choice.  The first month was really hard. Not financially - I had decent enough savings to float us for a couple months. But emotionally, I was devastated. I’ve always kind of vacillated my self-worth between pushing myself way too hard to try and force everyone to like me and crumbling under the pressure from that and turning inwards. I had no idea what to do with myself. I was sleeping at weird hours or not sleeping at all. The cats were glad I was home, and so was Ash, but I felt really sick not doing anything - or at least as much. Even with school, I felt kind of aimless. Online classes don’t really demand specific time frames. Yeah, there are due dates, but aside from that you’re really on your own.  Now I’m glad that I quit when I did. From what my friends who still work there tell me, things have only gone downhill. It’s not surprising. They take anyone who’s halfway competent and seduce them with promises they have no intention of keeping to accept promotions and then never follow through. They push people way too hard and they’re not growing and changing with the economy and the demographic of people they’re able to hire for minimum wage. Like, I’m sorry, but once I’ve recovered from surgery there are way better jobs I can get that will keep my brain way healthier. 

The husband. Well, to-be. We’re going to do it on paper at Halloween. Nothing flashy, just going to city hall and signing some papers and then it’s done. I’m not sure exactly where to start on this one because most of it happened so fast. I kind of dicked around with online dating for a bit and nothing really came of it; I had lost expectations around the time he messaged me. There was nothing that immediately said “Hey, you’re going to fall in love with this person!” but I took the leap anyways. I was having a hard time coming to terms with being gay and trans, so a low-stakes thing with less expectation seemed nice to me. ... And then we talked, and we both fell hard. I moved to Ottawa 2 months later, after a fairly tumultuous time going back and forth on the train pretty much every 4 or 5 days. I spent most of my money on traveling those months. It was extremely worth it.  I knew I was in it for the long-haul when he called me while I was on the train home one day. I’d just left, much against my better judgment, and he had a doctor’s appointment that I’d wanted to go to. Ash is not great at asserting himself with doctors. Like I said, I’m bossy and controlling, so this one would’ve been good for me to be at. He called me basically in tears. Something was weird with his bloodwork, and not only could he not start testosterone as originally planned, but his doctors thought he had leukemia.  In typical me fashion, I basically got home, worked a day or two and immediately turned around and came back. There were tests. There was bloodwork. Much of it is a blur, but the thrilling conclusion is that doctors often don’t know how to interpret Ash’s blood results because he doesn’t have a spleen, so his blood is shaped wrong. No cancer! Just weird blood and a crappy immune system. But that crystallized it for me. We moved into a friend’s place for a couple of months, and then, when we could, moved into our current apartment. And for a couple of months it was nice! Great, even! But our roommate’s girlfriend, who also lived with us, had a poorly managed personality disorder and was emotionally and sexually abusive to our wonderful roommate. It took months, but eventually we evicted her after having secret meetings away from the house to come up with a battle plan. In the end, she had to be removed by police and her parents had to come get her things. It’s something I hope I never have to do again, because it felt awful and the girl’s poor parents were clearly devastated.  We parted ways with the roommate in June. Amicably, but a bit sad. Part of it was that we had outgrown having roommates, and part of it is that our roommate, while a wonderful person, has a serious hoarding disorder related to anxiety that clashed awfully with my OCD symptoms. They’re in a house with some wonderful people now, so hopefully it’s better with people who are able to be supportive in a more helpful way.  All of this to say that I have a wonderful husband, who I love very much. 

Which brings me to my next point. Jeez, this is turning into a novel. I’m so sorry. But anyways, I started university in September! It’s been tough what with the work stuff, but I’m doing pretty well. I’m majoring in psychology and desperately white-knuckling my way through introductory biology so I can take cognitive neuropsychology classes next year. Eventually I’d like to become a clinician, but I’m pretty sure I need to go to graduate school for that. I’m taking less classes than I’d like because of surgery, but I’m going to take summer classes to make up for it. 

Also because Ash had to have emergency surgery before Christmas! We’d known something was wrong with his elbow for a while - it was an injury that he’d had since before we met. But over the course of 3 years, an injured elbow turned to a lump, and that lump lead to a loss of mobility. His family doctor didn’t seem overly concerned about it, and didn’t run the proper tests until this year. Thanks to a concerned sports medicine doctor who was way out of his depth, more tests were run. There’s nothing quite like the concerned, hushed tone of a doctor to strike fear into one’s heart. The diagnostic imaging showed a tumor had grown in Ash’s elbow. I named him Leopold.  A non-cancerous, aggressive giant cell tumor. In his elbow. Literally eating away at the bone. Likely had been for a while. They called us on a Wednesday. Ash went to meet the surgeon on Thursday. The hospital called the same day to book him for surgery. Monday he went to meet with the anaesthesiologist. Tuesday we went to the hospital and they removed Leopold. And let me tell you, it was an absolute shit show.  First of all, they expect a man who’s still drugged up from the anaesthesia to be able to decide if he can go home that night or not. They wouldn’t even let him call me before making him decide. Listen, this man is not great at taking decisive action in the best of circumstances sometimes. I actually ended up going home to feed the cats and going back before anyone even told me whether he was coming home or not! Then the post-operative nurses didn’t give clear directions on the aftercare, so I ended up calling the hospital multiple days in a row to figure out what was going on. They didn’t even tell me what type of stitches he had. I think the worst part was that the doctors didn’t actually check with us what kind of painkillers would be most appropriate. They just sent us home with a list, half of which wasn’t covered by insurance, and we had to white-knuckle it the first night with basically good intentions and fancy Tylenol before we could borrow the money for the rest of his painkillers the next morning. I honestly wasn’t sure we would survive that first night. Because the damage to the elbow was so severe, they put a nerve block into the arm that slowly started wearing off through the night. I never want to see anyone in that much pain. It was the kind of pain where you’re not even human anymore; you’re reduced down to an animal who’s scared and in pain, and all you want is for it to stop. I know it was necessary, what they did, to preserve motor function in the arm, but fuck, it was awful. I’m doing a bad job of explaining the technical side of this. It was an elbow resection with tumor removal and a bone graft.  The bone graft actually might be the worst part. Because the tumor ate so much of the bone, we had to do the surgery pretty much immediately because any kind of impact could have shattered Ash’s remaining bone permanently. And they had to be so, so careful during the procedure because the tumor was resting on a nerve. To the surgeons’ credit, they did not sever the nerve. It’s less irritated now, and the arm actually looks quite good, but I wish they’d given us more information ahead of time. I was woefully unprepared for how much work I would be doing. You never realize how much work your hands do until they’re taken away from you. Also, something else people never talk about with surgery is how much painkillers mess with your mood. Opioids are by nature depressants, but all the textbooks downplay exactly how severe the mood symptoms can be. Of course being bedridden plays into it as well, but painkillers severely inhibit cognitive function. That first week or so was awful. There were so many goddamn medications and most of them were useless. We were like robots, with the fucking medication dispensing. I had alarms set every 4 hours so the pain couldn’t come back. We tried. We tried so fucking hard, only to get to the follow-up appointment and have a very nice medical student give us the good stuff: Tylenol # 3 and morphine. Did I mention she was a very nice med student? 

So yes, that’s basically the state of my life at the moment. I haven’t really written anything since I left California, but I’m going to try this year to actually finish something. I’m going to post regularly, both because I kind of missed this place and because it’s nice to see concrete progress. Also, when I was looking for pictures of surgery results there wasn’t a lot to be found, so I’m trying to save someone else the same trouble.

Anyone who actually read to the end of this, you’re great and I’m very sorry I basically wrote a novel about my life. I know my descriptions are lacking in some places, so feel free to... ask follow-up questions, I guess? I dunno. It’s nice to be back.