#has done bad things and is struggling to reconcile his actions with God's love and forgiveness

[your-fave-is-christian]

I have a dumb question, and I really hope this doesn’t sound rude. What’s the logic for some of the characters? Like, if they’re the “hero” in their storyline, but they don’t seem to follow Biblical doctrine… does that even count? I’m sorry if that sounds snotty; I don’t mean to have an attitude.

No, you're fine!!

Short answer: I don't know, I'm not the one sending in the characters 😂

But really I would say there's not necessarily a consistent logic that they have to fit. That's part of the beauty of Christianity, isn't it? Anyone who repents and believes is welcome; it's not limited to any certain type of people. For the characters people are sending in here, I think there are a few categories. There are some that fit what you said, who already hold Christian morals and who one could easily headcanon as being Christian within the story. Sometimes people send in villains who they want to have redemption arcs and become Christian. Sometimes it's characters who are Christian; mostly it's characters people would like to see become Christian.

[skamamoroma]

Skam Italia S4: The Hide and Seek Scene

I was asked to write about my favourite scenes from Skam Italia s4 and this one specifically first which is a risk because, so far, I haven’t been able to watch it without crying, to the point where I am 100% sure the music is emotionally coded or I have eventually gone mad.

Anyway, this post was inevitable because if you know me, you know I adore Marti and Nico so much and have written long posts all those months ago that, I guess, this had to be done! And it’s long but it’s me, it was never going to be short! (I type fast)

Before I go through the song... at this point in the season, it’s kind of heartbreaking watching Nico sit there and look at Marti with so much longing and emotion. You can tell he misses him desperately. And Marti? Ah my favourite idiot. We KNOW how upset he is. I think at this point, he is telling himself he’s fine and that he’s drawing a line and he hasn’t got anything left to say to Nico… mainly out of sheer stubbornness. Nico’s lies and the way he tried to hide things clearly hurt and frightened him, triggering worries of loss and being left behind, of not being good enough, of Nico’s past changing what they have, of Nico’s past actions with Maddalena being something that could happen again. Neither of them are NOT understandable. I look at them both and I see the foundation they built back when they first got together and how that can only have strengthened immeasurably because of how long they’ve been together… I am reminded that the look in Nico’s eyes spells out what he told Marti on that balcony - “i’m thinking about the fact that I’m in love with you and I’ve never felt this way before”. Marti isn’t a stop gap or a second best because he couldn’t have Luai… Marti is hugely important to him. Nico adores him and not only that, adores him FOR who Marti is. I think it’s that basis that didn’t once make me feel anxious when episode 7 arrived. I feel I know these characters and their hearts. We know Marti’s so well and know that when he loves you, you’re his family. We know he considers Nico to be that… he left his father and step family behind, reconciling his past anger and walked away towards those he considers his family: his mamma, Gio/Luchino/Elia and Nico… he chose them and he specifically walked towards Nico with so much honesty to tell him he was by his side. The idea that ANY of that could be disrupted and that Nico perhaps isn’t who he thought he was… “somebody that I used to know” - not only an amazing song choice for Nico/Luai but also for Marti/Nico. Marti’s face screamed “I don’t know all of you” when he realised Nico’s past had been hidden from him. Marti’s fear of losing Nico caused him to cut and run and he effectively broke his own heart… but at the same time, Nico didn’t help himself. By trying to do the right thing, he made it worse and I think the bottom line is that eventually Marti felt left behind, felt that Nico’s extended secrecy and lies were a reflection of their relationship…

But he didn’t have all of the facts and his own fear and freak out meant he wasn’t seeing clearly. We know Nico loves Marti with his whole heart not only because he told us but because of that comfort they give off as a couple… it’s just a FACT. 

And this is where this clip makes me weepy. Because we know Nico’s past now. We know 3 pretty important things

Nico always felt spoken for and lost in his relationship with Maddalena. He wasn’t trusted, was spoken over, was belitted at times and felt he lost his voice. He was subject to all of that but put up with it. She wasn’t a bad person… their relationship just wasn’t healthy. His extended Last Man metaphor was his own way to ‘escape’ and be with Marti, someone who made him feel safe and listened to and cared for. Marti is his safe space.

Luai wasn’t just a mistaken kiss. He meant something. He may not have meant what Marti means or even close to it but that doesn’t matter. He was SOMETHING and if Nico’s eyes and smile in the piano video are any clue, Nico was so fond of him. That became dark and upsetting and ultimately damaging for both of them and poor Luai. Poor poor soul. Poor Nico for having that so cruelly removed from him, perhaps wondering if he was to blame or if he’d stayed away all would have been fine. It makes sense now why Nico was so unwilling for Marti to see the real him, to give in to what he felt with Marti because, ultimately, Nico internalises. His worries must have been overwhelming. He must have feared that history would repeat or that somehow HE was the one who was toxic… which we know is so untrue. 

By meeting Marti, Nico suddenly has this whole group of lovely, fun, ridiculous, warm and inclusive friends who show so much love and support. It is SO TELLING that Nico is still there at Silvia’s birthday party. Nico is NOT simply Marti’s boyfriend. He is a part of their group and they care about him so much too.

Knowing those 3 things is why the song that Ludo chose will FOREVER make me cry the second I hear the words. How he found a song SO perfect for Nico’s story is astounding to me. Every lyric works and I think the only way to talk about this scene is to track it with the lyrics… I suggest listening to it as you read (if you’ve even got this far because IT IS JUST SO PRETTY). 

This scene is, if nothing else, a moment to honour Nico as a character and his relationship with Marti and I swear I’ll never be over it. 

I lived my life alone before you

We see Nico alone with his eyes closed. The idea that we KNOW Nico felt alone before he met Marti. He told him he felt alone in his head, in a crowd and alone with people he loved. Marti changed that. 

And with those that I’d never succeeded to love

Maddalena. Luai. Neither of them worked out. The first being unhealthy and damaging and the second being a tentative step into a hopeful romance which resulted in trauma.

But we know Nico is someone with a huge heart. He still wants to love and be loved in return… but he feared it so much because of his mental illness but also, we now understand, because of what happened to Luai

And I grew so accustomed to that kind of solitude

We saw he had. He told us that when he and Marti were in his bed. He lives his life feeling alone… so much so that the thought of being the Last Man frightened him so much.

I fought you, I did not know how to give it up

Well, even writing that made me cry. We WATCHED him fight his feelings for Marti. His own worries and fears making his route to falling for Marti full of bumps in the road. He felt unworthy and frightened… and yet he still couldn’t give Marti up. Time and time again he fought his way back to Marti - Halloween, Bracciano, by his plan for the apocalypse, on the balcony when Marti came out of the twinkle lights and then finally accepting to live life minute by minute despite his fear. 

Before you, had I ever known love or had I only known misuse of the power another had over me? The power another had over me.

Oh. This line. This is the one that gets me. Full on tears. The fact that Nico, as a lovely kind gentle creative beautiful soul knew more pain than most his age by the time he met Marti. Not only did it come from parents and a girlfriend who failed to listen to him, who always decided his feelings for him, his battle with his mental illness causing him to feel shame and as if he couldn’t be loved and listened to as Nico and not a product of his mind. As Stefano Benni and La Giraffa helped him find strength that he could know real feelings despite his brain being poorly, he kept trying and fighting. 

He watched a boy he liked, Luai, subject to significant mistreatment and trauma and no doubt partially blamed himself… never received closure for that and was left with clear scars from it

“Had i ever known love or had I only known misuse” - those words are so emotional for me. Had he? I don’t know if he had. It makes what he found with Marti so fundamental and meaningful. How safe Marti must have made him feel. No WONDER he tried to hard to cling on. 

I crossed the country and I carried no key, couldn’t I look up at the stars from anywhere?  And sometimes I did, I felt ancient but I still sought peace and it never came to me

I heard this and immediately thought of his mental health and also his path through his struggles. That idea of ENDURING and going through so much… never being able to see the stars or a way out. That overwhelming shame. That feeling of being weary and exhausted. The fact that he DID always keep going, always seeking peace and comfort and contentment but “it never came”….

They often spoke as thought I had been set free, but I travelled only in service of my dreams. I stood before them all, I was a sleepwalker

AH. Oh god this song. Every line, man. The idea that Nico has had people who have told him how to behave or have caused him to question his own mind… the fact he must have been told time and time again that he’s getting better or that he’s being monitored… but he chose to keep going if anything, for his passions. We KNOW he is a renaissance guy, a creative quirky soul. He plays piano and draws and sculpts and is a lover of film and the arts as a whole. All of that makes him deeply passionate and he uses it to help him, often to cope. But the idea of being a sleepwalker… the idea that he walked through life half asleep a lot of the time because of his past experiences even in the face of those who told him they cared.

Couldn’t hold my misery down, not even for you. 

Nico can’t change who he is. He was never able to and nor should he. But he felt he wasn’t good enough for Marti. Meeting Marti made him want to change… but ultimately he realised that meeting Marti meant the opposite. He didn’t need to, he was loved as he is. 

But I long for you now even when you just leave the room

OH my. Tears again. We have just watched him stare at Marti across the room with so much love in his eyes, so much longing for his best friend, his love. Not having Marti must hurt and hurt badly.

And of all of the roads and cities that I passed through, of all of the eyes I have searched inside, the one sense of permanence that I came to feel was mine, only beneath your gaze

FUCK ME. Haha. That last line. Marti is his person. Of all of the things he has experienced, the people he has encountered and tried to love or tried to make connections with, none of them worked out and never once did he feelable to be himself entirely… until Marti. Beneath Marti’s gaze, he could feel that sense of permanence… he could see and be himself. 

I can’t even tell you how stunned I am at this song and how truly PERFECT it is for Nico… but that this last line… the fact the song tracks Nico through the house alone and ends with him finding Marti makes me want to weep into a cushion! 

The fact he’s helped by those who also love him. They orchestrated this because Nico means something to them and so does Marti. They want them to be happy and he’s helped to find his way back to Marti by true friends. 

The thing that CANNOT be ignored is that this whole thing happens because of Gio. Of COURSE it does. He spends this season trying to keep peace: with the girls, Nico/Marti and with Marti/la rosa squad. His heart is enormous and he just likes people to get along. My dude, how I love him.

As for the way the clip unfolds and the specifics, I love that it is the boys only who point Nico in the right direction. It had to be them. Gio being the one to lock the door. Gio’s smiles as he does it. It is SO reminiscent of the fact Gio left the cabin in Bracciano for them. He’s always there for Marti but that also means he’s there for Nico too and he won’t allow them to be unhappy. 

I can’t handle how small Nico look, how cuddly in his sweater with his tumbly curls. He’s just the most endearing. The warmth of the lighting and of the house is a classic Skam Italia thing and is, as ever, like a comfort blanket.

The fact that Marti is under the bed makes me laugh with Nico having to bend down to see him… not to mention the “bastardi”. Oh my sweet idiot boy. He was never going to be able to get away with his self destruction and stubbornness forever and his boys won’t let him. I love that it’s so Marti. The whole exchange is so in character… Marti’s “I can jump out of the window” is his ever sarcastic self at play and I adore him for it and so does Nico because in the face of everything, Nico laughs. There’s just this overwhelming send of comfort and sweetness, I can’t explain it.

The fact that Nico asks “can I come closer?”. The softness of his voice, the way he ASKS and doesn’t just do it, the way he KNOWS he must go to Marti and that Marti’s stubbornness is fierce but also that he fell in love with Martino Rametta… he needs to spell things out for Marti and let him know what he wants. 

What is also REALLY sweet is that it’s kind of Gio AND Elia who stand at the front of the door with Elia looking to Gio and celebrating their little trick. Their unspoken words and communications throughout Nico and Marti’s story was fundamental and we see it again. The characterisation is just so unbelievably consistent and meaningful. Their little high five at the end is adorable.

The fact they’re all outside, all hopeful and full of love for both boys is so heartwarming. I can’t! 

I also LOVE the way Filo is there cuddled into Gio’s arm. THE SWEETNESS. Everyone must love cuddles from Gio. But Filo being a part of it is just PERFECT as he’s fundamental to them both too. 

Then the ending being so so so sweet with Sana being so filled with love for her friends and for Marti and Nico that she uses that to spur her on to make a big decisions of her own. How I adore and cherish this scene so very very much. 

I think their story in s4 carries on so well with so many ideas from s2, not just filling in the gaps about Nico’s past. It adds SO much to s2 and things we see, heard and experienced with both Nico and Marti.

The thing that most surprises me is that we are effectively handling an Evak couple “breaking up” in this season. Yes, it wasn’t a proper break up but still, in Evak terms that could be catastrophic. It isn’t and it wasn’t and I hold Ludo entirely responsible for the fan’s ability to understand and appreciate why he chose to test them. He didn’t allow them to become background mannequins, didn’t allow them to be unrealistically perfect, didn’t villainise either of them and made them both understandable. This would have, in other circumstances, caused a total fandom meltdown but all I’ve seen are insightful posts about why YES it hurt to see them upset and going through a rough time but NO it didn’t ruin them and, if anything, made them feel more real and more connected and determined to be better. The way Ludo  loves Marti and Nico is all over this season despite it being Sana’s and, for me, it never takes away from her story. All anyone wanted from the inclusion of Nico’s past was that he was gifted some focus to honour his experiences and Ludo tried in so many ways to give him that and… well, this scene, to me, is a gift for Nico as a character.

If you got this far then GOD BLESS YOU but it is a testament to Ludo that I can always write damn essays on his work. I am so grateful to him for finding a moment in Sana’s season to do this and for it to mean SO MUCH despite it being so simple.

[rosesareviolentlyread]

BTHB: Forced to Beg

GUESS WHAT it’s more fae bb, she just refuses to stop coming up with ideas, so for now I’m using her for most of this BHTB card! I’ve already got quite a few planned out, but if you have a request for a square with another of my characters or just a scenario you’ve always wanted written, go ahead and send it in! 

If you want to read more, this is part of my Fae BB series, a modern magic world heavily inspired by @0idril0 and @whumpywhumper‘s Nico & Markus/Lucien series respectively (idk when I’ll stop plugging them and their series’ because I LOVE IT) I HIGHLY recommend you check them out. . On my blog page I have a summary and masterlist up now.

Follows sometime after Water

Thanks to @whumpywhumper​ @bleedingandfeverish​ and @straight-to-the-pain​ for beta reading and @quirkykayleetam​ for the idea!

CW: Intimate whumper, religious whump, captivity, toxic religion, creepy whumper, eye gore, SERIOUS eye gore, body horror

“What is this?” Pastor John holds a thick stack of papers in his hand. They’re covered more in handwritten colorful ink than the original black and white printed texts, notes squished into every available space in a rainbow of information. Careful, precise handwriting on crisp paper, that crumples and gives under the punishingly tight grip of the man, veins popping in his hands.

Sitting back on her heels, on her knees, Faith keeps her hands still, gently clenched on top of her thighs. She tries to keep her voice even,“I-I was researching, about the Fae. About myself. It is where I failed in my path, in my work. ‘First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.’ “ 

A deep sigh comes in reply, an echo of disappointment lingering in the air. “Luke 6:42, very good. Yes, I know, we discussed this. I agreed to give you back your research, so you could look at it with new eyes, to see the wickedness you were born into. But these—” He squats in front of her, sharply pressed slacks crumpling on top of old leather loafers in her downcast vision. The papers flub-blub-flub in his hands as he shakes them, a curious sound that would make her giggle if not for the severity of the clipped tone. “These, Fae, look an awful lot like notes on magic. Spells. And ways to perform them.” 

“T-They are, Pastor. But only for understanding how it works. The nature of my sin.” 

It’s a weak excuse, a bad excuse, a stupid excuse. God above, how stupid was she, to think she could lie and get away with this?

Silence weighs down upon her thickly, the world of lies she’s been living in pressing in on all corners. Lies that have weighed on her since before she knew them. But that weight is no longer intangible, now he can see it, she can feel it. The burden of her sin has fallen on her shoulders, and she’s chosen to carry it. 

But after all, God isn’t supposed to tempt you beyond your ability. That there would be escape with the temptation. The problem was, what was the temptation, and what was the escape? 

Somehow, she’d thought that maybe if she had been born magic, been born to all those things supernaturals believed in, something in that magic could be the thing to save her. Could be the sign she’d been looking for. 

Because when the fire in the water, the attempt of iron baptism to burn her sin, had met her soul, it hadn’t just burned away the edges of faith concealing who she really was. It had ignited something within her, some temptation she’d always known, which had followed to this point. Had followed, to her folly, again thinking it was the escape God intended for her.  

God had no mercy for Eve, and he would have none for guilty Fae who have chosen the apple over the garden. 

A hand tilts her chin until she’s looking at his eyes. His eyes that are slightly red, tears budding at the edges that she hopes are flowers of forgiveness, the forgiveness he preaches to her, the forgiveness that is the only thing she prays for now. From her supernatural friends, for not listening. From her parents, for lying. From her brother, for everything.

“Why would you lie?” His voice breaks, leather tones cracking like a brittle piece left to dry in the sun. With it, a tear falls, bright against the irritated blotchiness of his skin, a wet sound to his breath. “After all we’ve done, Fae, all our— why would you lie rather than ask for forgiveness?” A hand so soft and gentle cups her face, brushing a thumb across her cheekbone. Her own tears smear with it across her cheek as she leans into the touch. 

“I’m sorry.” 

No, that’s a lie too, if she’s honest. She’s not sorry for trying to escape this hellway to heaven. But the fact is she put herself here. Let herself fall back into sin again and again.  Forgot how to be truthful, how to be honest and think of anything but herself. Had she ever really? Had she ever meant it? 

Was she Eve, tempted into sin, or a devil in disguise here to tempt the faithful?

“I don’t see it. Show me, show me you are sorry” She watches with pleading eyes as he gets up, figure blurred to her tearful regret. He moves away, the gentleness gone. Arms are clasped in front of him, waiting, a stone statue gazing down on her, leaving her to make her own contrition.

“Please, please. I am sorry, I am. I lied. I was- was tempted by it. Again. I should’ve known” 

Silence meets her, unmoving, unwavering, unsatisfied. 

So she tries again. 

“C-corinthians 10:13 says,  God will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, so I was tempted, tempted to see what magic could do but God, my love for him, would never let me be tempted to do magic. The knowledge, that was- was my escape from temptation. To know, so I wouldn’t be tempted to do. Please Pastor I recognize it was wrong, I know, I knew and I did. Please by the Lord’s mercy forgive me” 

It’s absolutely a lie, now. Because she’d tried to use those tiny tendrils she felt in her body, a whisper of a voice of a song she didn’t know, couldn’t know.  But as those eyes bore into her, her body starts shaking, using all the movement he should be. But he’s just standing there, silent, as more words pour out of her mouth, as she mistakes proverbs and words in her stumbles to try and explain, to try and reconcile her actions.

The silence leaves her with nothing to do but try not to drown in her repeated mistakes, drops in a bucket turned tub turned ocean of her own making. Why was she so incapable of doing the right thing? Of doing what he said and leaving? Why did she insist on making herself take two steps back for every step forward, putting her foot in her mouth even now. 

Her penitential deluge is interrupted by a sigh, stopped dead in its tracks.  After what feels like an eternity of stoned silence, the Pastor turns swiftly, leaving her with nothing but the thud of his steps before there’s a return to silence. 

Her brain tries to comprehend what it means, tries to dissect every minuscule facial movement imagined or not seen in the shadows of the dark. Did he forgive her? Did he believe her? What had she even said? The memories of her own words slip through her fingers like water, as ‘should’ve’s’ and better words come to mind. 

Her panicked race of thoughts is interrupted by the creak of stairs coming back down. Distinctive by now as they evoke the hope of mercy and the fear of discovery, the duality of her new existence, her limited choices. 

This time, she prays it’s hope she feels. 

When she opens her eyes to see John holding a box filled with things, it is instead a rabbit-hearted dread.

“Pastor?” 

His breath hitches through his nose, voice almost cracking. “I prayed, I did, that we could prevent this. But I see, now, that we may have to take a push forward to prevent a backslide.” He sets the box down, but she doesn’t dare look, doesn’t dare look away from the kindness in his eyes, the gentleness of his hands that is all she can cling to down here. 

And gently, those hands lay her down, one rubbing circles into the back of her head while the other presses on her sternum in an unspoken command that makes her fold like paper. It feels like a dream almost, something unreal, something that’s happening to someone far away as hands are pulled above her head, fastened together and to a wooden beam tightly, so tight it’s tingling in her fingertips like tiny fireworks as blood struggles to meet them. 

The box scrapes against the ground, and she feels a heavy weight settle on her pelvis, her eyes refusing to look away as John pulls on a pair of purple gloves. 

“Matthew 18:9,” is what he says as a latex finger goes to flick a tear that’s leaked out of her eye harshly, the material dulling the warmth of his skin, an alien touch that suddenly makes him feel less human, but more real. 

Matthew 18:9. Matthew 18:9. What is Matthew 18:9? 

The hand goes to squeeze her shoulder muscle, sending a lance of pain up her numbing arms, eyes shooting open wider. 

“Fae. What is Matthew 18:9?” The voice becomes rigid. Severe. Bitter. Like the time where she was struggling to breathe as iron-laced water flooded her lungs. When she failed to be purified by it, burning in a pooled hell. 

As the pressure increases, feeling like it’ll crush her muscle, her brain finally scrambles to find the words, fallen from her mouth practically unbidden

“And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire.”

The shock of realization makes her twist, thrash under the weight that sinks down on her torso, preventing movement alongside the ropes that cut into her skin with friction, barely allowing any flow of blood and turning her arms into numb weights.

“No, please, please no. I’m sorry, I’m sorry Pastor, please forgive” she scrambles for a plea, a phrase, something she hasn’t used yet. “J-James 2:13! Mercy triumphs over judgement.” But the hands ignore her, shuffling through supplies, wiping something cold and stinging all around her right eye.

 “Pleasedon’tdothis, 1 John 1:9 ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness’. PleasepleasepleasePLEASE!” Her voice is high and airy in her throat as she struggles to pull in air between the real weight of John on her chest, and the weight of her own panic allowing only the shallowest sips to reach her lungs. 

The hands stop and sigh, directing her gaze to his face. Her breath stops at meeting the cold gravestone slate of his eyes, frozen by his touch. 

“Proverbs 19:8 ‘Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.’ I have shown you mercy. I cannot abide your crying anymore without punishment Fae.”

The tears start to flow as the stinging returns to her eyes, pleas now just helpless sobs as he sets objects beyond her eyesight. There’s the distinct smell now of antiseptic, overpowering. She watches him take a swig of clear liquid from a bottle next to her before he pours it over his hands, rubbing them together. 

“I wish there was another way. Your eyes, they see such awful words, they read such terrible things and give you ideas. I forgive you, but He will not Fae. I’m sorry.” 

His tone is resolute even as it fades into a gruff apology, body adjusting to squash the last of her apologies, breath escaping her flesh even as she wishes she could follow it. 

The hand readjusts to pry open the lids of her right eye, thick fingers too strong for the weak muscle. The liquid burns but she can’t close them against it, eyes watering until he’s a blur in her forced vision. The wetness of her tears coats the latex, and a second hand comes to touch her eye itself. Fae’s back attempts to arch under the strain, body screaming with a not supposed to be there don’t touch thatnotsupposedtoTOUCH!

It’s a sharp pressure that builds quickly overwhelming her senses. Sobs turn to screams, wailing on every exhale, short between breaths. It could be minutes. It could be seconds. But the pain feels like an eternity as every piece of her screams against the intrusion to the softest, most vulnerable, most exposed of her organs. The world goes white, pain turned into high pitched noise in her ears as her heart struggles to keep up, a rhythm of thumpthutmpthutmpthump that speeds impossibly fast in her chest. 

And then there’s a pop. Sickening, slimy, a noise that reminds her in a delirious amount of pain like the sound of a sucker out of someone’s mouth. Quiet, slightly slurpy as it’s crushed and pulled, leaking not just tears but now blood and fluid. It’s disquieting to hear it. 

It’s most disquieting to see it freed, for a moment. The world drifting in a nauseating set of two distances, warping to her brain as he doesn’t stop. No. He pulls. 

As the cord snaps, she remembers hearing about the dangers of taut ropes. Of how, when they snap, they whiplash back, causing severe injury. The physics teacher had demonstrated on a rubber band, and she remembers the small snap on her hand that day as she tried it with a lab partner. The feeling like her skin had torn open. 

She has no idea if the nerves react like a rubber band, but her brain tells her that they have. That her entire right side has been whiplashed, shattered bone, ripped skin, blood pouring in heated rivulets until all she can taste is copper and pain. Her face is gone, skull crushed by agony as it booms within in an explosion like a firework set off far too close. A haphazard celebration. 

And it’s his smile of celebration holding a piece of her that she sees as the other half of her world goes dark.

Tags:@bleedingandfeverish @starry-whump  @whumpywhumper​ @greatandquestionablecontent​ (let me know if you want to be added or removed from the tag list!)

[nomadicism]

Now that She Ra is over, what are your thoughts on it? What about that Catradora kiss?

Hi Anon! Thank you for the Ask!

ヽ(*⌒∇⌒*)ﾉ Where to start?

I have so many thoughts on the show, and I’ve had so many thoughts since season 1. I’ve not written much of anything about She-Ra because I keep coming back to this problem of ‘where to start,’ or how to structure my thoughts beyond a +1000 item list. I can’t even pick one or two thoughts to dive into, because they all end up connecting to everything else —> honestly, that’s the mark of a tight narrative, even the big pieces that can fully stand on their own are still leading through to another piece. I fail at every attempt to write something brief.

Section I: Short answer first.

I have a very short and subjective list of media where I not only love (for different reasons) nearly every character (main, secondary, background), but where I also feel that their individual places or moments or arcs concluded in a way that felt right from start to finish. It’s a short list of media where connections and conflict between characters never felt forced, out-of-place, out-of-context, or done for shock value. She-Ra and the Princesses of Power makes that very short and subjective list.

It’s not often that a story hits all the right notes with me, and it’s much more often that a story starts off strong like that, and then turns me off ½-⅔ of the way through. I’ve quit video games during the final boss fight because the story lost me in the lead-up and I wasn’t going to waste 10-20 minutes of my time for something that turned out to be ‘meh’. It ain’t got to be deep, or anything either.

I really loved the voice acting. Everyone is great. A post for another time.

I love the aesthetics, which I wasn’t sure of at first teasers, but won me over in less than 3 minutes of the first episode (season 1) because I love bright pastels, the character designs are fun (can I still gush over variety of body types? YES), so many opportunities to explore stylish takes on the characters, and those Moebius-inspired scenery/background designs are a special interest delight. Season 5 delivered a visual ‘end game’ for the aesthetics in many ways, Section III further down will get into that a bit.

Section II: “What about that Catradora kiss?”

I gotta preface this with, shipping is not my go-to for how I enjoy creative works. It’s not a hobby for me. Sure there’s a few I dig more than others, but I’m otherwise agnostic about ships, unless there is a really bad story-fit (and that’s usually a subjective thing), or involves tropes that are a deal-breaker for me (and those typically relate a lot to the story fit).

With that said, I’m really happy to see Catradora be pulled off so brilliantly, and I think the kiss is a bold and beautiful big deal in a way that might not be obvious when considered in a vacuum. I see it as passionate and heart-felt, but also, it’s achieving(?) a relatable outcome (for me at least) that’s hard to describe. It’s an outcome yielded by a story in which two women—a hero and a villain—are divided and fight bitterly and then reconcile through love, while fighting a purity cult whose founder-prophet-god-king forces subservience through a conversion designed to strip someone of their identity (e.g. names they’ve chosen for themselves), memories-and-motivations, and love for others.

Despite these conversions, love still remains, it can’t just be baptized or therapy-ed away. Controlling puritans and authoritarians wielding religion or peace-panaceas as a weapon have been the villains in the lives of countless women and LGBTQIA people for a very long time. So yeah, I’ve got some feels about that. The last time I felt anything similarly relatable, or as strongly, was the Utena and Anthy relationship in Revolutionary Girl Utena (and really, their kiss during the surreal sequence at the end of the film adaptation).

Section III: Thoughts on Cult Aesthetics and Clones (the rough cut)

(1) In the future scenes at the end, Adora’s white dress with gold tiara and accents have this kind of goddess-like or Pallas Athena feel to it, which is a great mirror of the design choices for the god-like Horde Prime, his Purity Space Cult, mechanics/ship, and flagship interior scenery. Not saying that was the intention, but that’s how it came across to me.

Of course, those colors would be used because She-Ra already wears white and gold with a bit of red accent, which complement how the princesses are bright and colorful (pastels and jewel tones). The bold and bright colors helps signify that Etheria is full of life. Etheria is verdant and magical, and that sets up a contrast to the Fright Zone and the darker colors found in Horde characters (Hordak, Shadow Weaver, Scorpia, Catra, Entrapta, etc).

So the first kind of contrast was with the Fright Zone standing out as a poisoned/toxic against the bright, lively colors of Etheria and the princesses. Season 5 introduces another take on that contrast as Horde Prime is the opposite, or antithesis of Etheria’s colorful life. He’s like anti-life with his shades of light-and-dark grays on white, and only glow-green as an accent. In some cultures and religious traditions, white is associated with purity, and in others it is associated with death.

When Horde Prime ‘purifies’ Hordak for the sins of individuality and emotion (emotion for others, for his own sake), Hordak is drained of the colors he chose for himself during exile. In addition to being a contrast to Horde Prime (and informed by the 80s cartoon design), Hordak’s dark blue (or blue-black) and red color palette reflects the traditional use of red as a color for evil (especially vampirism) from back when diabolism was a stand-in for ‘the Devil’ in many forms of visual media (comics, live-action, animation, etc). In place of diabolic red, Horde Prime has toxic glow-green.

I absolutely love the use of the glow-green accents. Color trends for villains and significations of evil come and go, and I’m glad to see the color green be used again, and used so well. The last time I saw that shade of glow-green used so well was in Sleeping Beauty (re: Maleficent’s magic and the orb on her staff) and as the Loc-Nar in Heavy Metal. In both films, there are connotations of evil as a poisonous and corrupting influence. Green, in the context of evil, almost always signifies poison (and sometimes envy). I also like that the glow-green color is used in ways that aren’t immediately saying ‘this is evil’, such as the green baptismal waters and flames from the purification scene, or the green amniotic protein fluid. The language of piety and trappings of the sacred can cloak a sinister purpose.

I don’t know if any of that was intentional, but Horde Prime feels like the perfect synergy of purity and death (which has additional connotations, but that’s a very personal interpretation).

(2) Horde Prime immediately gave me subtle cult vibes in his first cameo (Season 3), and the follow-through on that was perfect and exactly what I was hoping to see. The background music throughout the scenes aboard the flagship fits well (love the soundtrack), and has the quality of Ecstatic Experience without pulling directly from any specific religion. Horde Prime’s dialogue is a delightful bit of narcissism veiled with the language of piety.

A purity cult comprised of clone-brother-worshippers of the cult’s founder-prophet-god-king reinforces that narcissism and has all the fun-dark feels of shiny-techno-future-dystopias. It is also an interesting use of clones, especially in a story format that usually never has the time to really dive into the complexities of cloning. This is the sort of thing that you’d be more likely to see in a one-off episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, rather than the basis for a greater scope villain, or multi-season nemesis. (and yes, Star Trek: TNG had an interesting clone episode)

Clones in science-fiction tend to fall into just a few tropes, and I generally dislike seeing clones show up in a story because the execution nearly always feels sloppy (in small ways or big ways). I did not get that feeling from She-Ra, where, the clones occupy the “cog in the machine” trope, but it is not their existence as clones that make them that way, it is the Will of Horde Prime that does. They are simultaneously expendable and sacred in their unity. It’s a nice flip on “stronger by working together” that Adora and the others have to learn (and struggle) to do.

It seems like, despite their religious programming, the clones have a little bit of their own personalities until Horde Prime ‘inhabits’ them to exert his Will. I’m trying not to read too much into it, b/c what comes across as ‘inhabits’ to me (especially with the religious/cult context), was probably meant more literal like described in the dialogue as a hive-mind control kind of thing. The first time it happens—to post-wipe/death Hordak—felt to me like a possession scene from The Exorcist, but without the kind of horror visuals that would scare both adults and children. The quick-and-subtle amount of body contortion and sound is still gross and creepy (because it should be), but it also reminds me of Ecstatic Experience in the form of speaking in tongues, or snake handling, or being a medium for a spirit. Again, I’m not saying any of that is intentional, but that’s how I see it.

(3) Finally, there is Entrapta, Hordak, and Wrong Hordak. Clones rarely get to be ‘humanized’ through friendship or romance arcs. I can think of a dozen or more robots that get to be humanized in that way, but can’t recall any clones that have (excluding doomed clones whose friendship/romance only existed for the sake of selling the tragedy of their death). Hordak gets death, renewal, and romance in a way that worked really well, and the totality of it is unique. I was a bit surprised that they could work in another clone—and I love Wrong Hordak—who pulls triple-duty as (1) comedy; (2) relevant to moving various pieces of the story along; and (3) more humanizing of the clones, which, again rarely happens as most stories take the easy low road when it comes to clones.

For Entrapta’s part, she’s never put in the position of giving up who she is (‘weird’ by many standards) for a romance. Her passion for technology is both an amusing double entendre at times, and integral to who she is. A romance for Entrapta does not replace her passion for technology, she can have both. Dating myself but, I came up in a time where most media (for children or adults) would rob a woman of her agency or passions during the resolution of a romance arc. Maybe times have changed, but it’s still nice to see none of that nonsense happening here.

[jonthethinker]

Together Or Alone?

Since I finally have a few days off work, I want to get weird and really dig deep into why I personally enjoy the Mighty Nein and its particular breed of found family so much, and why the dynamics between its members are so satisfying for my heart in particular. Let’s get unnecessarily deep, shall we?

You may not completely understand why I think this would be weird, but you’ll understand fairly quickly as I get started.

I’ve been on a sort of spiritual journey, in a way, over the course of this most eventful year. A small part of me feels bad that while so much suffering is going on, and so much of the world feels like it’s falling apart, I’ve been making positive strides in determining my place in the grand scheme of things. But a larger part of me is just really grateful to finally find a bit of internal peace after years of not having it, of finally having some bit of quiet in a mind that’s never been able to still itself long enough for any such thing.

I haven’t exactly found religion, but I have given more shape to how I best want to imagine our universe and my humble place in it, and I’ve finally started asking the right questions.

One of those questions stands above the rest, and it’s the question I’ve decided the Universe Itself is asking; Together or Alone?

I started seeing attempted answers to this question everywhere. In the universe bursting outward, yet huge masses of it clinging together to form all we know and can perceive. I see it in wondrous solar systems forming and spinning in a rippled field of mutually affected gravity; and I see it in the black holes that can form, and tear and pull all that beauty into nothing. I see it in incredible ecosystems where the life and the land combine to form what feels like its own organism, larger than just the sum of its parts; and I see it in the environmental devastation caused by our own actions, killing that organism, and in turn doing irreparable damage to the very spirit of our world.

I see it in humanity’s natural inclination for cooperation and concern for others; and I see it also in our inclination to be blinded by power and in that blindness, inflicting unspeakable harm on each other in order to hold onto that power. I see it in our bodies, organs one by one relying on each other in a perfect act of faith to form something greater than a liver or heart or brain could ever be on their own; and I see it in cancer, single-minded in its pursuit of self-replication by all means, all memory of belonging to something greater stricken from its damaged DNA. I see it in basic elemental particles, most of them ready and able for their eventual combination with other particles to build wonderful compounds with entirely new properties, adding untold dimensions of complexity to how our world works; and I see it in those small rogue particles the neutrinos, that can shoot off from a star for eons without interacting with a single thing.

The question and its many answers, and the dialectical relationships those answers have, are what I feel can really undergird all of our interactions with each other, all progress and all regress, all friendships and all rivalries. It’s there in all our stories and all art we create; Together or Alone? What’s your answer?

For me, the answer that felt like it escaped the singing lips of an angel, was, “Of course, together. Always together.”

It shapes my politics heavily. I’m a lefty, but its not just because I believe we’re all equal as individuals; it’s because I believe we are all a part of the same thing. We are all a part of that same great organism, that same great body. The Universe. God. Whatever you want to call it, though it needs no name. We are in this together because we are one thing from many different things, whether we like it or not.

But I’m not just blindly optimistic about this. I don’t think it works like this all on its own. It takes work and time. It took billions of years for solar systems to form. For single-cell organisms to band together into colonies and then evolve into multi-cell organisms. It took a while longer for creatures to stick together as families, for the mutual dependencies of ecosystems to form, and even longer for the first tribes and societies to form. It took time, and an incredible amount of energy and effort, and so much failure. We’ve hurt each other so much, that’s true. But it’s only by coming together that we’ve ever been able create anything new, anything Good.

The universe has a bias towards entropy; things tend to fall away and apart. So there’s a beauty in the struggle for togetherness. I’d argue that it’s the only source of beauty in the first place; the unity of forces interacting. The quest for togetherness gives my life meaning, drive, and purpose. And for someone who’s struggled with depression for so long, I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have purpose, especially for something bigger than me.

And by this point, you’re probably wondering when I’m going to stop sermonizing and actually talk about Critical Role. so here we go.

The individual members of the Mighty Nein are some deeply flawed and deeply troubled people, at least when we first met them. Some of them have done awful things, sometimes against their will. They’ve all been the victims of powers much greater than themselves, and as a result, have been left feeling frayed at the edges. They’ve all had hurts and been shaped by those hurts; whether it was loneliness, unfair expectations, or just being unfortunate enough to be different in all the wrong ways. Damaged is a word that carries unfortunate implications, as does broken; but it’s undeniable that you’ve got seven people who have all felt like Sisyphus when the boulder rolls back down the hill.

Some have taken this fate better than others, but it’s undeniable that these people have suffered, and in that suffering, gained nothing.

But then they met each other.

It wasn’t all roses from the get-go. You throw these people with underdeveloped social skills and an untold amounts of personal baggage, and you’ve got yourself some friction to say the least. But when they all met each other, they had nothing but their bodies and their hurts. They were total equals. Even when the Mighty Drei met Caduceus, they had just felt like they lost everything, and they were meeting someone who had no one. They all started together at their foundations, and over time, built something I think is truly beautiful.

This process hasn’t been perfect. Beau, for instance, can still be totally rude and abrasive to strangers and outsiders (and I love that about her), and still has a hard time swallowing her pride long enough to ask for help. Caleb is very much struggling with his trauma, and that path is never a straight line of progress for anyone. Jester for the longest time still didn’t really want to feel any negative emotions around the others, and her own pride has gotten in the way of owning up to how new she is to all this. Yasha bears a great deal of guilt for a great many things, and while she’s making strides, it’s still left its mark on her. Veth has come so far, but doesn’t know how to reconcile the contradictions between the two lives she wants as both a mother and an adventurer. Fjord has a deep desire for answers, answers that may open up a lot of wounds that have started to heal in the Mighty Nein’s care. And Caduceus refuses to share his troubles, his doubts about how much his time with Nein has fundamentally changed him from the boy his family knew all those years ago.

That’s a lot of hurt, and some of it will never go away completely. But it’s like how our bodies have all of these vestigial functions that no longer serve any purpose to it, and make our daily lives in office chairs or standing in one place all day harmful to our health. Or like ancient seas whose waters are long since gone, but have left their undeniable mark in the shapes of canyons and mesas, in the colorful layers of sedimentary rock they leave behind. The past is an unavoidable factor in how everything in the universe gets to take shape, but the present finds a way to adapt. And we people get to choose how to adapt. And the Mighty Nein chose caring about each other as their method of adaptation.

And the thing of it is, I don’t think its just having people finally caring about them that has allowed them to come as far as they have. I think it’s also the act of caring, the act of serving others, considering how the path you wish to take will affect someone else, that has really pushed them to this great place we currently find them in. I truly think there something inside of us that wants to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, and that in the moments we feel emptiest it isn’t because of what we lack on the inside but the connections we lack on the outside, and it’s the systems we inhabit that make us think otherwise. I see this so clearly in the Mighty Nein. If left all on their own, in the cruel worlds we first found them in and have learned they came from, I see seven people going on seven unique paths of self-destruction; but together, they can build something greater than themselves, that thing being the Mighty Nein.

I really do think the Mighty Nein is like its own entity. They are something totally different when they are together, like seven different elements that came together to form a compound with entirely different characteristics. It’s why the work so smoothly together in combat. Why, when the pressure is on, they tend to work as a relatively well-oiled machine. Why they hurt so much less when they are with each other. It’s like up-scaling from an atom to a cell, a cell to an animal, an animal to an ecosystem.

This togetherness is why I love the Nein so damn much. It’s reaffirming at a deep level for me. The story that they are telling, and the one forming without their active intention even being involved, is a wonderful thing. Stories about togetherness are my bread and butter; it’s why I’m a sucker for a good romance or found-family narrative, because I love it when people come together to make something more than them, making one plus one equal three. There’s nothing quite like it. And Critical Role has it in spades.

And it’s not all about the depth of answering some spiritual question. I enjoy the potty humor and the eight people just trying to fuck with each other and make each other laugh. I enjoy the silliness and joy and endless pop culture references. But also the act of eight friends coming together to make a show where they create a beautiful, silly, heartfelt story together has its own sort of spiritual resonance with me.

I also want to establish that I understand that this is a company selling an entertainment experience to me. They aren’t just doing this in the spirit of togetherness, they are doing this to strengthen their careers and incomes. I get that. But in the end, it’s all a part of the dialectic. It’s all motivation for me to continue working towards building a world where people can make wonderful art like this without worrying about building a career out of it or paying the bills. It reminds me of how much work there is to be done, but also of all the work that’s already been done.

Critical Role has its flaws, but it is a wonderful thing and I’m happier everyday I’m reminded it exists. The Mighty Nein are probably my favorite found family ever, and lately, a very powerful affirmation for my own journey. I do wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences, with this artwork or others like it. If so, I’d love for you to share them with me.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

The wrong girl (E.D.)

Summary: A year ago, Ethan made the wrong choice and he’s trying to rectify it.

Warnings: ANGST, swearing

The Wrong Girl - Masterlist

Ethan knew he has made a mistake. It had become abundantly clear that all he chased after was nothing short but a mistake when all the good he could have had was right before him all along.

Except, he took too long to realize the mistake he's made and he gambled away the one woman he should have cherished.

In desperate need to clear his head, he left town and traveled to New Jersey, seeking advice from the only two women he could trust in his life at the moment, leaving Grayson behind to hold down the fort.

"What did you do? Exactly?" Cameron asked, her right eye narrowing ever so slightly at her brother, clearly disappointed in him.

"I chose the wrong girl. What more do you need to know?" His voice is deep and gruff, dripping with sarcasm - his only defense mechanism.

It's hard enough to think about it, let alone talk about it and he definitely didn't want to explain how he broke his best friend's heart by choosing a girl who ended up playing his heart to its last beat. It's not even that he's hurt by what happened, because his now ex girlfriend had clearly betrayed his trust and showed him she was as real as Pamela Anderson's boobs, but hurting Y/N, the one who stood by him through everything...that's what made him hurt the most.

"How about if Y/N even likes you? Has she said anything or done anything about the fact you chose the other girl at all?" Cameron said with a 'duh' tone, watching her mother frown at her behind Ethan's back, silently ordering her to behave and be more mindful of her brother's feelings.

Ethan closed his eyes, sighing heavily and deeply, placing a cold hand over his chest as memories flooded him.

"Ethan, stop. Please, wait!" Y/N curled her fingers around Ethan's left wrist, unable to connect her fingertips as her fingers are much smaller than needed.

Ethan turned toward her reluctantly, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip, wondering what he could say or do to get out of this mess. He had never once thought he and Y/N were a possibility, let alone that he'd find her teary eyed in his bedroom minutes before he was supposed to travel with Grayson and a few friends to a secluded cabin for 4th of July. Usually Y/N would have been invited, but the place could really only house five people and that included Bryant, Gray and his girl, himself and the girl he decided to make his that night.

"What? I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of this! We couldn't bring you along for reasons we already told you and you said you had somewhere to be anyways." Ethan snapped at her, ripping his hand out her reach and his eyebrows knit together as he realized how harsh he's being. But he can hear the car horn outside and he knows if he gets the girl he wants in a bad mood, he'll never get into her pants and he really couldn't afford that to happen. Not when he had a whole pack of condoms in his bag and all he wanted was to relieve the tension the new girl caused.

"I said that because I didn't know you're planning on fucking her tonight! God, Ethan, did you ever even think about me? About how I'd feel?!" She barely spoke, her throat tight it barely produced enough air for her to let out what's sitting on her chest.

All the time she's known Ethan Dolan, Y/N was always his go-to girl for any problem he's had and she always came running because he needed her. She cared for him as more than a friend and she never lied to herself about it. Not once. She wanted more and after some soul-searching she even wrote him a letter about it.

The very letter that sat unopened on his desk right behind her shaky figure that she just wanted him to read.

"What about you? It's one trip, okay? We'll bring you for the next one." Ethan softens, unable to understand why she's making such a big deal out of this, partially feeling guilty because he knows she should be going with them as she goes above and beyond for him and she’s his best friend right after Grayson, but then he remembers that girl's ass and he just wants to go already.

"It's not about the fucking trip!" Y/N shouted, covering her lips immediately after, struggling to hold herself together and keep some pride.

"Then what is it about?" Speaking gently, Ethan couldn't say he didn't felt his heart drop at the way her lips quivered and her head turned away from him to hide the vulnerability she rarely showed anyone. She never cried in the past two years he's known her, ringing all his senses and blaring all his alarms that something isn't right.

"Whatever. Go. Enjoy. I'm leaving too." She pushed past him, walking so fast he could barely keep up.

However, once she walked out and got into her car, locking the door so he couldn't stop her from leaving, she truly decided to cut ties.

Ethan didn't know though, repeatedly knocking on her window asking her to open the door and talk to him even before ‘his precious girl’ that whined about how hot it is and how they should have left an hour ago.

"Just open the fucking door and talk to me!"

She drove away, still hearing him calling her name, not stopping for him to break her any longer.

"I didn't see her much after that. She pretty much disappeared on me and the letter she sent me. The fucking letter had her confession about how she loved me and I didn't even find it for the next ten months because it fell behind my desk and Grayson ended up finding it when he pranked me when he glued everything to the ceiling." Ethan finished, rubbing his forehead in frustration.

"But you stayed with miss fake ass for almost a year." Cameron groaned, shaking her head at him.

"What your sister is trying to say so delicately is that she doesn't understand why you didn't end it." Lisa smiled kindly, putting a comforting hand on her son's shoulder.

"Because she was confident, beautiful, funny and she was from the same industry so she understood me. I didn't realize she was using me this whole time. But I did end things the same night I read the letter. And two times after that because she convinced me to reconcile. And Y/N was already dating someone when I finally found the damn letter." Ethan leaned forth, putting his head down on the table as he continued, his voice now muffled.

"I never thought she'd ever like me like that and then I meet someone new and then I lose her. She avoided me, rarely ever hung out and I should have known something was up and I should have paid more attention, but like I said, I messed up and now that I got my head out of my ass I find her on a date with Jack Gilinsky and he's the one making her laugh now and I just want some clarity on what to do." Lifting his head just enough to look at his mom, eyes filled with tears as his heart constricts painfully.

"What the fuck do I do when the best person for me is the same person I could have had and I missed my chance? Mom, tell me what to do." Crying, Ethan nested his head into his mother's lap, feeling like a little boy lost in life as he is finally aware what he had done.

"Why don't you talk to her? Explain everything and pray she decides to take a chance on you?" Cameron suggests, seemingly unbothered by her brother's tears, slightly pissed at him for his lust clouded thinking.

"And what? She'll dump a great guy for the one who left her crying on 4th of July for the new girl?" Ethan sassed back, wiping his tears furiously as he bit his lower lip.

"Or do nothing. Seems it's your strong suit." Shrugging, Cameron walks away, hoping her brother finally does right by Y/N.

"She's just angry you thought with your other head." Lisa reassures, making Ethan groan in disgust as he sits up with a grimace.

"Lisa, don't!" He uses her name instead of mom, making her chuckle.

"I used to bathe you. I get to tall about your junk!" She states, making him groan even louder as he hides his face in his hands.

"But she's also right. When you go home, call her. Talk to her. Just be honest even if it hurts."

Nodding, Ethan agreed to try.

However, the very next day, Ethan waited for the driver to pick him up and drive him home from the airport and he found talking to Y/N would be rather difficult considering she stood before him.

And she wasn't alone.

"Heeey." He greeted her awkwardly, glancing at her companion with fake enthusiasm.

"Hey, E. Uh, you know Jack, right?" She smiled sweetly, her eyes lightened up as she looked toward Jack just as they used to when she looked at Ethan.

"Yeah. Yeah. What are you guys doing here?" Ethan was way too chipper, Y/N could tell. He was watching them closely, hoping for any signs of trouble in paradise. And he felt like a selfish fuck for thinking that.

"Going to take this beauty back home to meet the fam!" Jack states, placing an arm around Y/N quickly, pulling her into his side as he plants his lips on her temple for an affectionate kiss, overly enthusiastic just as Ethan is.

He saw her smile, but the action seemed forced, almost like she was embarrassed by the sudden public display of affection.

"Oh! That's...that's, uh, great!" Ethan searched for right words to say, coming up short every time he opens his mouth.

The amount of testosterone in the air was almost unbearable.

Thankfully, Jack excused himself, running off to check their flight information, leaving Y/N alone with her past heartbreak.

"He's not right for you." Ethan speaks faster than he thinks, but he couldn't make himself feel guilty about it. He meant what he said, even if he had no right to say it.

"You don't get to say that to me. Not anymore." Y/N's face fell as she contemplated what is happening, feeling her old feelings of rejection resurface.

"I know. But I was...I actually wanted to find you right after I left my suitcase at home. I found your letter a few months back and when I read it I realized I needed to break up with her. Took some time for it to stick, but I knew she wasn’t the right girl for me." Ethan didn't hold back, running a hand through his hair nervously because he had a rare chance to tell her what he needed to say because he didn't think he'd ever be brave enough again.

"That letter was sent over a year ago." Y/N states.

"My situation has changed." She adds, wrapping her arms around herself self consciously, averting her gaze to the side instead of him.

"I'm aware. But I want to say that I...I really fucked up and somewhere deep inside I knew it all along, I just didn't...I didn't know I had a chance with you and the moment I read the letter I ended things with her because you're the only one I want. You're the only girl I ever met that could ever be my endgame and if you need time to heal your heart from the hurt I caused...to find yourself, I will wait. I will wait because I fucking love everything about you and I am the biggest idiot in the world for not seeing it before." Stepping closer toward her, being bolder than he thought he could be, Ethan placed a hand on her right cheek lightly, letting it mold to her skin softly.

"You could be waiting forever, because Jack makes me happy. I actually like him." She warns, looking up at him with those big doe eyes he loved so much, finally seeing his reflection in them again after a year of missing them. Of missing her.

"Maybe. But the fact you're saying you like him and not love him gives me faith I will win your heart again." Ethan smiles despite the pain, watching her place a hand over the one he put on her cheek, letting her slide it down her face and fall by his side as she released it.

"Time to go, honey!" Jack calls, interrupting their moment and Y/N plastered a smile back on her face as she nodded.

"Goodbye Ethan." She managed to say as she passed him by, almost like a whisper in the wind as she left him behind.

He struggled to smile as he watched her wall away, hoping that's not a view he will have get used to. After all, he deserved pain, he just didn't know how much he could bear.

Tags: @accalialionheart @fallinginlove-16 @xalayx @heyits-claire @dolandolll @godlydolans @dolanstwintuesday @ethanhes

[hamliet]

Your Fate Is Up to You

“I WILL CHANGE FATE I DON’T POSSESS. MY FATE IS UP TO ME AND NOT THE HEAVENS!”

So said Shi Wu Du right before he died. In doing so he directly stated TGCF’s existentialist themes on deciding your own fate.

On the most obvious level, within TGCF the roles of god, demon, human don’t dictate whether or not someone is a good or righteous person. I mean, the worst demonic calamity in Bai WuXiang and the head god Jun Wu are the same person.

To start with I might as well just state it outright that my thoughts on Jun Wu are probably a lot harsher than most of the fandom’s. That said the narrative definitely has empathy for him and his ending was perfect and objectively beautiful.

Like most of MXTX’s antagonists, Jun Wu is attempting to force empathy because he feels lonely. It’s the same motivation that drives Shen Jiu, Xue Yang, Jin GuangYao, He Xuan, Qi Rong even, etc, etc, etc. It’s also what drives many of our protagonists (Wei WuXian, Luo BingHe, Hua Cheng, etc.) Yet in the end, Jun Wu is not actually forcing people to empathize with him, but instead dragging them down with him, and he needs to realize this.

The scene where Mu Qing is poised to fall into the lava (a symbol of the hell that started it all) tells us:

Many small broken threads of flames were also singing Mu Qing’s robes, and the hilt was scorching hot, yet he still gripped on hard, afraid to let go, and afraid to look down.

If he was to let go then it was nothing but blazing flames and lava waiting for him down below. There was also the hungry wailing of countless spirits of the deceased, their cries resounding and echoing, as if they were calling for the one struggling, hanging on for dear life above to hurry and join them in companionship.

Jun Wu really just wants someone to hurry and join him in despair. But it’s also symbolic in showing the difference in Xie Lian, because instead of sacrificing parts of himself (aka his three friends: Hua Cheng, Feng Xin, and Mu Qing, plus Mei Nian Qing again), he’s determined to save them even though some might not necessarily deserve it. Feng Xin and Mu Qing haven’t treated him particularly well, but they’re a part of each other. Mu Qing is the part of Xie Lian that others tried to shame, the part of him willing to do whatever it took to accomplish his goals (usually saving people), the part of him that almost led him into becoming Bai WuXiang himself. Xie Lian needs to reconcile that part of him, the choices he made that were both good and bad in these traits, with his animus (Hua Cheng) and with his princely side in all its strengths and flaws too (Feng Xin).

Anyways, all that to say it’s fitting Mu Qing is the one dangling, about to be burned. Because especially after Jun Wu has taken so much from Xie Lian, it’d be fitting for him to deny that part of himself and any risk that he would be like Jun Wu. But he doesn’t do this, because he is similar in some sense, and because he knows it. And even if Mu Qing had sided with Jun Wu by then (and he hadn’t), Xie Lian decides to save him. It works with the theme of rebirth, in which the butterflies cannot fly over, but Xie Lian himself can because he’s strong enough to do it on his own:

Hua Cheng casually let loose a silver butterfly. That silver butterfly fluttered its wings, flying out for a few hundred feet, but before it reached even one third of the way to Mu Qing, it dissipated into silver smoke and vanished in the air.

Xie Lian knew that he was demonstrating that the wraith butterflies could not help; it was a dead end, not worth dying for. 

Mu Qing also witnessed the vanishing process of that silver butterfly, his expression gradually turning into one of despair.

He understood. Right now, one, there was no one who had the ability to save him, second, no one believed him, and on the grounds of his triggering, there was no reason at all for Xie Lian to come pull him up at the risk of his own life.

But, while despairing, he still refused to yield, and he was unwilling to give up. Mu Qing gritted his teeth, shouting, “IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME THAT’S FINE TOO, BUT I WILL NEVER FALL THAT EASILY!” 

(It’s also why during the final physical fight, MQ and FX are yet again dangling over a pit.) Xie Lian chooses to reconcile with himself, with his shadow self and with what he could have (and almost did) become, with the friends he’d driven away. In saving his loved ones, he saves himself.

Therefore, it’s fitting Jun Wu didn’t die. He could not make Xie Lian into anything close to what he became because of his choices. It tells Jun Wu that yes, Xie Lian and him are alike, but that doesn’t mean they’re destined to walk the same path. It was his choices that led him here. And because Xie Lian reconciled, there’s hope for him to reconcile with himself too.

His being forced to remain alive even after having done so much evil, and Mei Nian Qing choosing to stay with him as well, ultimately disproves Jun Wu’s cynical view of the world. It offers him another chance. Someone can always choose to do better, and he is left with MNQ who chose to do better just like he needs to.

He didn’t intend to get up at all, and Xie Lian asked, “Master, are you not coming?” 

Head Priest shook his head, “I’ll keep his highness company. After all, in the past, I didn’t stay by his side.” 

The rain was coming down harder, scouring Jun Wu’s resting face, washing away the life and blood flowing from his wounds.

As the rain washed, Xie Lian felt the three human faces on his face seemed to have gradually faded somewhat. Maybe it was his imagination.

After a moment of silence, Xie Lian took off the bamboo hat carried on his back, and tossed it from his hand, covering it over Jun Wu’s face.

Not only that, but there is a part of Xie Lian and a part of Jun Wu that are similar, that are good. And that’s the desire to save people and an understanding of hypocrisy. Though Jun Wu completely forsook the whole saving people thing for awhile, it’s not like his actions are entirely useless. The dichotomy between the righteousness of the gods and evils of demons has been completely ripped into shreds, and people on both sides have to make choices to make better.

Like, it’s pretty telling that the three gods we see who are the kindest and most benevolent are Shi Qing Xuan, whose brother cheated to get him an ascension, Xie Lian, who got kicked out twice, Yu Shi Huang, who was scorned by all during her life, and then also there’s Hua Cheng who outright refused to ascend. Everyone else who was expected to ascend and then did is a complete disaster. (Though again, Shi Wu Du outright gave us this existentialist theme with his last words: “I decide my fate!”)

Even among these disasters, we see improvements. Mu Qing is honest with Xie Lian about how he wanted to be his friend. Pei Ming tells a demon whom he wronged who has now stalked him for years to love herself, to do better, that she can choose to be better. 

And among the demons, Hua Cheng saves the day with his love for Xie Lian. Qi Rong dies saving a human child, a callback to the same act that started all of this (when Xie Lian chose to save Hua Cheng instead of continuing a festival to the gods). And He Xuan helps save the gods he betrayed, in particular returning Shi Qing Xuan a reminder of who he is. He may not have earned his ascension, but he’s the one in the end protecting the people with spiritual powers, because he is strong enough even without his brother’s help. Instead of defining Shi Qing Xuan by who his brother is, He Xuan defines him by who Shi Qing Xuan is.

When he saw a “Hua Cheng” come by, he quickly called out, “CRIMSON RAIN SOUGHT FLOWER!!! You’ve finally come back! What the heck were you doing leaving for so long, have you thought of a way to connect with his highness? No no no you best think of a way to help me deal with the situation here first, do you see all those fiery rocks coming down from the sky? Think, fast! Blow a breath or make those endless little butterflies go up and chase them away or something, otherwise we’ll die....”

“Hua Cheng” didn’t speak a word, coldly allowing Shi Qing Xuan say that giant pile of words in one breath, and finally, as if he was growing impatient listening, he cut him off directly, “Deal with it yourself.” 

Shi Qing Xuan exclaimed, “Deal with it myself? Don’t joke at a time like this, I’m not his highness, I can’t understand your jokes. How do I deal with those rocks on my own…” Before he finished his sentence, “Hua Cheng” seized his back collar, and yanked him out of the human array directly.

...Yet unexpectedly, after “Hua Cheng” had pulled him out he wasn’t done, and a hand came swinging, smacked him and sent him flying out.

...“It’s fine it’s fine, I didn’t die! He didn’t really hit me, he was just lending spiritual powers!” ...

Shi Qing Xuan examined his hands, then looked at his own body, emitting spiritual light from head to toe...

Just then, “Hua Cheng” flung his right hand, and tossed something at him. Without thinking, Shi Qing Xuan raised his hand to catch, but when he saw what it was he caught, his entire face blanched.

That object was the Wind Master fan!...

Shi Qing Xuan was clutching that dearly familiar fan, his neck stiff, and slowly turned to that “Hua Cheng”.“Hua Cheng” then repeated again coldly, “Deal with it yourself.” 

He Xuan, someone who had no faith in justice or the gods or anyone, has faith in this one former god, now a beggar. And because of the return of his fan, because of who He Xuan is, Shi Qing Xuan remembers who he is and who he could be as a god, and saves people.

You only need one person to believe in you, to remind you that you can be better, in the end.  For Xie Lian and Hua Cheng, for Shi Qing Xuan and He Xuan, for Gu Zi and Qi Rong, for Xuan Ji and Pei Ming, and even for Jun Wu and Mei Nian Qing.

[umbraastaff]

I’ve just been thinking--it’s about time I make a proper index for my TAZ fics, huh? Also contains: mini-series, ficlets, goof posts, and lyric comics.

(All of the fics are rated G, or T at most for McElroy-appropriate language.)

FICS

I Saw Seven Bounties | Canon Compliant, Enemies to Friends, Complete | Mostly lighthearted, episodic recounting of Kravitz and Barry’s rivalry throughout those first twelve years on Faerun. 24K. -->Extras: Lich Eyes, Fantasy Starbucks, Alt POV for Chapter 1 & Chapter 5, Sorry

They Say Fire Took Phandalin | Small-town supernatural/sorta-haunted-house AU |  Fresh out of grad school, Barry Bluejeans takes a job and a house in the rural nowhere-town of Phandalin. And it’s not like he thought fitting in would be a walk in the park, but the people there all act really weird, and it’s almost like they’re expecting something of him, too. 11K/~20K.

What Can’t Be Done Alone (Detective Squad) | Canon Divergent, Found Family, Fluff | AU where the voidfish works a little better, and Angus never finds the Bureau. Instead, he finds a strange lich in a cave, and he most certainly continues to work this case and not gradually get adopted instead. 18K/~22K. -->Extras: Drangus AU Oneshot

If I Wanted to be Funny I’d Name This Fic “The Time Belt” | Futuristic sci-fi AU feat. time travel | Taako meets the only people in years who recognize the Institute’s name. Known time criminal Barry Bluejeans continues to evade law enforcement. 2K/??.

Overgrowth / Undercurrent | Roleswap AU, Johnchurch, Pining, Twoshot, Happy ending optional | Overgrowth is a oneshot that follows John, the Starblaster’s chief diplomat, through a series of parleys with Merle, the center of the plane-consuming mass of plants that’s been chasing his crew. Undercurrent is a sequel about their post-canon reunion. 4K + 6K. --> Extras: PLAYLIST by @merle-casts-zone-of-truth

Davenport Remembers | Post-canon, Oneshot | Davenport meets with his crew members to try to reconcile his anger with Lucretia, or to decide whether he should. 1.5K.

MINI-SERIES

AU Where Taako is a Lich - Pretty much what it says on the tin here, folks!

Baritz (ask series) - A fusion of Barry and Kravitz, who took over my blog and answered asks for a while. (He originated in the Gallows/S&S lyric comic.)

Good Adventures (Good Omens crossover) - The Antichrist’s wishes summon the wrong boatful of aliens. Thankfully, it seems they’re apocalypse experts. [with plot-ideas help from @avijohann​.]

Omen Zone (Good Omens crossover 2) - Barry is a demon. Kravitz is an angel. Kravitz probably won’t ever admit that they’re friends.

Pokémon: Century Version (Pokémon crossover) - Stolen Century AU where they’re all pokémon trainers. Faerun spin-off: Double Trouble

Till Death, Don’t Let’s Start - Barry fucks up. Kravitz is present.

Very Normal Blog Posts (ask series) - In which Garfield is not at all dangerous, and I am perfectly fine. <alt: chronological link - desktop only>

COMICS & ART

Gallows/Steady and Stronger (Double lyric comic) - Canon-divergent AU where, as the world is ending, Barry gives up to Kravitz. [Image description version]

[Lyric Comics] - Other, shorter lyric comics based on single verses of songs.

Dear Scientist’s Log (series) - Illustrated ship logs from Barry J. Bluejeans.

Movie Madness (Comic) - Barry obsesses over the unforgivable.

Palette Prompts (Arts) - Art from art meme prompts.

Pregananant (goof comic) - You know the one.

REAPER (Comic) - Baritz fuses with Lup.

These Jeans? (Animatic) - Barry advertises jeans.

They’re Both Tessa Thompson (Comic) - Lucretia has a nightmare. Barry reassures her.

War (Goof comic) - prompt: "taakitz with CAT”

What’s bigger than this? - The Red Robe.

FICLETS

Back Soon - Kravitz leaves a note with unfortunate wording.

Bodyswap: Barry & Davenport - During Wonderland.

Casual - AU where the red robe talks like a normal person.

Command - Barry misuses his magic.

Davenport - There’s something unsettling about that butler.

Hangin’ Out - Lup and Magnus.

Harvest - Roleswap AU: Barry is the Hunger.

Healing Necromancy - Merle tries to teach Barry some tricks.

Hope - Barry knows she’s still out there.

How Long? - Taako is frustrated.

In Pieces - The staff.

Liches Forget Too - AU.

Lucretia Forgets - In which there was a mistake with the voidfish ichor.

Lup’s Robe - Gifts from Taako.

Mourning Glories - The flowers in Merle’s beard.

New Years - Celebrations and fears.

Parole - Barry and Kravitz bonding hours.

Phone a Friend - Baritz (the fusion from Gallows/S&S) meets Angus.

Raising the Dead - Barry has to use his crew members’ corpses. [sequel]

Robbie...? - Magnus breaks into the brig immediately after Petals to the Metal.

Second Apocalypse - Based on that one party liveshow. What was the rest of the crew doing, again?

3 Sentence Fics - Pairing + AU prompts.

Smartstone - Lup gets stuck in a Stone of Far Speech, instead.

Stir Crazy - Barry waiting for a new body to grow. Thoughts of Lucretia.

Writing Things Down - In case you forget (again).

You Remember - Taako remembers.

PROMINENT GOOFS

Barry’s Dead - But he’s fine! Calm down!

Character Development - Joke’s on you, DM!

Crystal Kingdom - An absolutely bonkers arc.

Dealer - Merle pun.

Decapitate Me - for making this post

Don’t Care - Taako during the finale. [bonus]

Epilogue - Bracer struggles. [bonus: 1, 2]

Explain the Hunger (Good Omens crossover) - Magnus explains the hunger to Aziraphale and Crowley. They react in varying ways. [with cursed art contributions from @avijohann and @mspainttaz]

Fifteen Dollars - Plus interest. [Bonus]

Fullmetal Kingdom - They’re the same, right?

Gender - And lack of roles.

Gnomes Don’t Exist - They’re all aliens, actually.

Hot Diggity Shit - Been a while.

Icon Confusion - The saga of people thinking my icon is a carrot. [chrono link - desktop only]

Incomprehensible Denim - Jeff Angel’s illegal pants.

In Case it Changes Anything - Taako, Kravitz, and lies.

Irresponsible Teens - Magnus and Lucretia get into trouble.

I Saw Seven Nerds - That’s the post.

Gogurt - Taako’s crimes.

Learning to Drive - i.e. Barry & Davenport Bonding(?) Hours.

Live Shows - The general mood.

Lucretia’s Efforts - A proper meme? On my TAZ blog?

Lup Said No Thanks - That time Magnus was in a tree.

Magnus’ Death - So many close calls.

Nearest Middle-Aged Woman - Clint’s characters’ friends.

Necromancy? - You must be mistaken!

Ned’s Aliases - The Truth.

Pirate Debt - Davenport during that one liveshow.

Punch Squad - SQUAD!

Reaper Cloak - Thoughts.

Relic Names - She probably changed them.

Responsible Necromancy - Good and bad ideas.

Resume - It’s not like they thought it would be relevant.

Schools of Magic - And the Sash was what, again?

Self Care - Respect the dead, please.

Server Shenaniganry (art) - TAAKO THE CAT, NO!

Soulmate AU - Where your soulmate’s greatest enemy is on your wrist. [alt]

Stern’s Truth - You Know.

Taako’s Last Name - Taako’s last name.

Team Composition - The post where everyone wants to argue with me about what qualifies as a wizard.

Third Option - Taako saves the day.

You’re Laughing - End of Suffering Game.

THEORIES/MECHANICS/THOUGHTS

Aloof - Holes Taako refuses to fill.

Barry’s Lucky Possessee - Graphic novel theory hopes & dreams.

Catpiling - Stolen Century thought.

Davenport’s Deaths - Sucks when you always wake up driving.

Death Leaves a Mark - Stolen Century AU concept.

Everyone Else - Some people didn’t get perfect endings.

Fantasy Nonsense - lore about the word “fantasy,” as in “Jesus Fantasy Christ.”

Fragments - Magnus’ memory.

Forgiveness - Old post about the crew’s thoughts on Lucretia’s actions.

Forgot to Erase - Lucretia’s errors.

FULL TIMELINE POST - the Balance timeline.

Gauntlet - (disproven!) Theory about the final relic, from before it was confirmed in the show.

Gnome Nicknames - Thoughts on Cap’nport.

High School AU - Some old headcanons.

Home World Names - The pattern in surnames (or lack thereof) on the IPRE’s homeworld.

Hour - This isn’t a thought so much as an Actual Thing That Magnus Said before the time loops had started, which is absurd.

Idiots in Love - The IPRE’s collective braincell was lost for all of Legato. [2]

Liches, Alone - Being stuck as raw emotion for an awfully long time.

Losing Julia - And subsequent developments.

Love - What was remembered and forgotten.

Love Without Fear - Thoughts on bonds during the Stolen Century.

Memory - Barry actually shouldn’t have remembered anything.

Nickname - Memory of Lup.

Paladin Barry Theory - Converging evidence on Barry’s multiclassing.

Paradox AU - blueprint for 8th, 9th, 10th, etc. Bird AU of your choice(s). (Extra)

Phylactery Mechanics - How liches differ.

Produce Flame - Mechanics of John killing Merle.

Recklessness - THB’s actions recontextualized.

Relic Schools of Magic - They don’t have them!!!

Relicswap AU - Where all the birds get swapped out.

Seven Birds as Gods - Ask-prompt thoughts.

Staring at the Sun - The birds and their light sensitivity.

Story, Song, & Sorcery - Effects on the young population.

Sword Tornado - Magnus Mechanics. [bonus: Time Warlock]

The Good Place AU - A series of crossover thoughts.

Tree Climbing - Davenport shenanigans.

Unique Magic Types - [and combo styles]

What Killed Maureen - hint: it wasn’t Fisher.

[thestateofuforia]

Xena is better than every male antihero from the past 20 years of prestige dramas and I will prove it with my extensive TV knowledge and feelings

What makes a “great” television show? We all know that there is no single definition, as people have different preferences and experiences, etc. etc. But what are the shows that critics have universally agreed are masterworks of television? The kind that sweep awards shows and influence the direction of entire industry? The kind that your professors uphold as the zenith of television’s potential?

Dark, character-driven dramas. TV’s chock-full of ‘em now, but for the sake of illustration, let’s just use The Sopranos, Breaking Bad, and Mad Men as examples of this phenomenon.

Aside from genre trappings, and writing/directing/acting quality, what do they all have in common? Why do people give so many shits, so intensely, about these shows? What could possibly be at their center? 

Answer: A broody, complex antihero with a dark past/present who struggles with the moral quandaries of existence, while remaining simultaneously vulnerable and withholding to both the viewer and those around him. I use “him,” because this character is always male. 

Where are all the female antiheroes? Well, there’s at least one who is constantly forgotten, probably because she hails from a wildly different kind of show. One with Greek gods, sword fights, and whooshing sound effects. But don’t let the aesthetics of this show fool you – at its heart, it’s a drama about the redemption of one of TV’s finest antiheroes. 

Xena is better than Tony Soprano, Walter White, and Don Draper combined, and I’m about to show you why I can make this audacious (and extremely biased and opinionated) claim!

Let’s take a look at the competition. You’ve got:

Tony Soprano  

Mob boss with Feelings™. He’s in therapy for the panic attacks he’s been having lately, because this very sensitive man is simply not cut out for the mafia. He’s killed strangers, friends, even his best friend, and he feels real bad about it. At the same time, he’s struggling to maintain the closest relationships in his life, particularly with his family. His kids are growing up, his marriage is strained, and he’s constantly trying to reconcile his brutal, immoral actions with the belief that he could be a good person. Tony wants to be good, but he knows he is destructive force to everyone around him, and the cognitive dissonance is tearing him apart. In spite of therapy, he makes very little progress towards becoming more in touch with his emotions.

Walter White 

High school chemistry teacher-turned-meth-cook whose entire life falls apart. It starts as a means of paying for his cancer treatment and providing for his family after he’s gone, but when the cancer goes into remission, Walt keeps on cookin’ just because he likes it. I’m not putting words in his mouth; he actually says this. He leads a double life, and, like our boy Tony up there, wants to believe he can be a good person, a good father, a good husband, while simultaneously devolving into cruel, manipulative (sociopathic??) drug lord. Even at the end, when the jig is up and he’s off in hiding, he still wants to provide for his family as some kind of compensation for everything he’s put them through. It’s too little, too late, but we get the idea – he’s a tortured soul, yada yada. Also, Walt, like Tony, is not one for heart-to-hearts with the fam.

Don Draper

1960s ad-man with a dark past, who buries the truth about the tobacco/cancer connection in order to sell cigarettes, and schedules cheating on his wife in his day planner, all while trying to be a good father/person. The most irrepressibly charming guy on this list, Don lives a lie, after stealing the identity of his commanding officer, killed alongside him in combat (whom he may/may not have had a hand in killing). Not even his name is real (Although who wouldn’t pick “Don Draper” over “Dick Whitman?”). He starts the series living the “perfect” life with a wife he plucked from a lineup of models, who, thanks to his closed-off attitude, knows absolutely fuck-all about him. They are in the midst of raising two children before he finally tells her that his father beat him as a child. He’s a stranger to his own wife. That’s how little this guy talks about his feelings. 

So why do we watch these antiheroes? They’re shitty people, right? From Tony choking a man to death while on a college tour with his daughter, to Walt watching his best friend’s girlfriend die of a heroin overdose and doing nothing to save her in order to win back complete control of his “friend,” to Don rejecting his long-lost brother who then goes on to hang himself, these guys are Not. Good. 

But, they are compelling characters. We have to care about them in order to tune in every week/binge five years of television in one weekend. And as far as I can tell, we like them because they feel bad about what they do. That’s oversimplification, of course, but it touches on the premise that makes these disparate characters somewhat relatable: 

We all have done bad things that we regret, and we all need to believe that, at the end of the day, we’re good people. 

Enter: Xena

In terms of sheer kill count, Xena has all these tortured main men beaten by a long, bloody mile. I can’t list all of her deeds, but suffice it to say, when Xena begins her journey in the first episode of her series, she’s at Genghis Khan-levels of slaughter. The character of Xena began as a warlord on Hercules’ show, but the whole truth of her villainy is only revealed bit-by-bit throughout the next six years of her journey. She’s killed thousands, razed entire villages to the ground, betrayed those close to her, and essentially been a Really Bad Person for most of her life. It’s arguable, but many see the act of burying her armor in the pilot as a self-sacrificial suicide attempt. Undefended, in a land brimming with uncountable numbers of wronged individuals who would love to see her head on a spike, she’s a lamb waiting for the slaughter. 

Enter: Gabrielle

A tiny village is under attack, and in a sudden twist of morality, Xena begins using her combat skills for good. She saves, among others, a plucky village girl who immediately starts following the warrior around like a puppy. But Xena, ever the classic brooding antihero, feels undeserving of gratitude and rejects her. Multiple times. But Gabrielle refuses to be left behind. Xena acquiesces, and the two begin their journey together. Gabrielle’s unrelenting faith in Xena pushes the ex-warlord onto a path of redemption. 

Over the course of the series, Xena and Gabrielle spend most of their time walking through forests until someone Evil Xena has wronged stumbles into their path and she and Gabrielle have to face another demon from her past. But no matter how many souls she saves, how many wrongs she rights, Xena never fully accepts that she is a good person. She wants to be good, and she sees goodness in Gabrielle, but always regards it as a quality just out of reach for herself. Her past haunts her, and she doesn’t know if she can ever fully atone for what she’s done.

In addition to undergoing a transformation of purpose, Xena also changes as a person. She begins the first season as a cold, near-Vulcan warrior with an impenetrable exterior and a steely gaze that never totally softens. But with time, and through the force of her relationship with Gabrielle, she chips aways at the wall she’s built around herself until she’s (more of) an emotionally communicative person. She allows herself to be vulnerable, and shares even the darkest secrets of her past with Gabrielle. And although she always braces herself for Gabrielle to have seen too much of the darkness inside Xena and finally leave her, Gabrielle stays by her side every time, and Xena heals a little bit more.

You know what that’s called? Growth. 

And it’s hella satisfying to watch. 

And, in this definitely-biased lesbian’s opinion, this is what makes Xena a more compelling character than any of the aforementioned male antiheroes. Her story is unique. Tony Soprano struggles with morality, but never truly changes. Walter White gives in to the darkness and lets it consume him. Don Draper reaches for redemption but always falls short. And yes, there is something exciting and interesting about all those stories. As you could probably tell, I’m a huge fan of every show I just mentioned. Hell, I had the idea for this post in the midst of a Mad Men binge at 3am last night. And, for the record, no, I do not hate all men, or all stories about men. But I was wracking my brain for an example of a female antihero in a prestige drama, and suddenly I realized I was looking in the wrong place. And that this would be a completely insane post that could ruffle some feathers online, which meant I had to get it out there on the World Wide Web.

Finally:

You might argue that Xena’s story is so different, and the series itself is so unlike these prestige dramas, that to draw a comparison among these characters is misguided, at best, and totally freaking bananas, at worst. 

But, here’s a final breakdown of what these antiheroes have in common:

1. An inner darkness that both drives and troubles them. (Check)

2. A sense of unworthiness towards those who show them love. (Check)

3. A level of charisma/general appeal that invites the audience to give a shit about them, in spite of whatever they might have done/are doing. (Check)

4. A persistent moral greyness. (Check)

5. A preternatural ability to stare into the middle distance and brood. (BIG check)

Clearly, Xena is classic antihero material. But what sets her apart is that she takes action to redeem herself. Even when she doesn’t truly believe she is good, she calls upon all her strength to do good, regardless. Instead of stewing in the darkness, pushing away her loved ones, stagnating in the nebulous state of her morality, she devotes the rest of her life to reckoning with her past and remains steadfastly fixed on redemption. She still makes mistakes. She remains flawed, conflicted, human. But she grows, whether or not she thinks she deserves to. She moves forward. 

[t-citurnity-moved]

HEY TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVES

Ohohohoho.

My thoughts are more or less about the boys, BUT I feel like I also need to provide context because this series has been such a huge part of my life.

So, therefore, let's start at the beginning.

GOD THIS GOT SO LONG AND I AM SO SORRY BUT I HAVE A LOT OF THOTS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I have been part of the fanbase (not gonna say fandom, because that implies I'm active at all in the d//m//c "community" when I absolutely am not) since before 2010. That's 10+ years of enjoyment in this series. 10+ years I've been holding onto my feelings because I wasn't sure if it was right to love fictional characters. I still wrote and roleplayed with other people who were also in the fanbase, because... well, writing OC / Canon at the time was the closest anyone could get to saying "I want to date this character and not be judged." (But we all know that even then, if the OC wasn't written a specific way then they'd be considered a sue / stu; don't even get me started there.)

I fell in love with Dante first. He was the main character up until Nero starred in D//M//C4! So why wouldn't I love him? The first piece of media in which I really broke into the series was the anime and that's only because I really loved anime at the time (now not so much, mostly because I don't have attention span, etc). And boy... ohoho boy. I loved him even more. I think it's partly because that was my first real look into the series that I love D//M//C2 so much, because I'm more inclined toward the ""edgy"" side of Dante; wacky wahoo pizza man is cool and all, but I also love retrospective Dante who's a bit serious. Doesn't mean he's not the same Dante, because he absolutely is. But I hate how the fanbase portrays him sometimes. (The same fanbase that hates D//M//C2 and probably hates the reboot too, BUT I'LL TOUCH UPON THAT IN A MOMENT.)

The fact that Dante can be a serious person when he needs to be (or even if he's like... killed his brother several times and is therefore entering into a depressive state because who tf wouldn't) seems lost on a lot of people and it makes me sad. Because when I first really started branching into the fandom, I was (and still am) the same way... I just feel like 2Dante and Anime Dante are just... more relatable? So I lean toward them more than anything because I can understand them more? Because I too have depression and struggle with it? (By no means am I saying that 4/5 Dante don't have depression, I just think at that point he deals with it differently. I have a lot of headcanon there and that in and of itself is a whole ass different discussion. I also think discovering that Nero is Vergil's son / his nephew also helps him handle his depression as well, because "wow... at least I still have some part of Vergil left, even if it is only his kid" plays a bit role in how Dante recovers, BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT I THINK.)

I even think 3Dante has some level of depression going on, even thouh that's the start of the series and it doesn't really start going downhill until after those events. I mean, losing his mother at a young age and also thinking he lost Vergil until, SURPRISE SURPRISE, Vergil invites him to a "bash" which is really just some ploy to gain power? I just think at that point, it's manageable for him; he doesn't struggle with it nearly as much as he does in 2 + Anime.  That being said, the fact that he's so """wacky wahoo""" also leads me to conclusion that, even if it is "manageable," he does still struggle at times and I feel probably overwhelms him at times, so he tries to manage BY being upbeat about things. Which, anyone who has depression knows, is so fucking difficult to do. The fact that Dante can keep going despite all this shit going on in his life makes ME feel like I can keep going.

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON VERGIL AND HIS PROBLEMS. Dude just wanted to be protected and loved.

Actually, LET ME get started on that. Because I have a lot of thots.

Vergil grew up believing their mother chose Dante over him. That she didn't try to save him. That Dante was more important to her than he was. He grew up with this inferiority complex because he didn't know WHY their mother never came to save him. He also grew up thinking he wasn't strong enough to save HER. That's why he actively sought out power, while believing humans were "weak." That's why he manifested this hatred for being half-human. Because he couldn't save his family and, for a long time, he was led to believe his mother didn't care for him nearly as much as she cared for Dante (IE. "saving" Dante, but not Vergil).

Vergil's thirst for power is just misdirected feelings toward his family. He should've been mad at demons for attacking them in the first place, but because he grew up believing what he did, it became hatred toward humans instead. That's why he hated Dante, too. In reality, I don't think he really "hates" Dante, just feels severely inferior (which he veils by """having""" a superiority complex instead of the opposite, which he actually has). I think he just had a lot of conflicted emotions that he was never able to work through. Which is why I love the idea that he and Dante, post-D//M//C5 could reconcile at some point. Because neither of them really hated each other, they just had conflicting viewpoints due to one event that go thrown out of proportion somewhere along the way. Vergil just wanted what Dante had, which he perceived as the love of their mother, because she "chose" to save Dante instead of him. In reality, she tried to go after Vergil too, but simply didn't survive. Vergil was entirely unaware of this, so obviously he'd be upset. It's the crux of all his problems.

Vergil HIMSELF even theorises what would happen if they switched places that day! He wonders what would happen if he and Dante's lives were swapped! (Which, TBH, would be a pretty neat AU, heheheheh.) Legit! "If our positions were switched... would I have your life? And you mine?" DUDE WANTED TO KNOW!!! He wanted to know what it was like to BE Dante, to be LOVED, to be PROTECTED by the ONE PERSON they had in their lives at the time! They only had their mother, so OF COURSE Vergil would be upset due to the circumstances! HE JUST WANTED TO BE PROTECTED AND LOVED.

3Vergil doesn't show much of this side of him, because he's just angry and going through a lot and he JUST wanted to be powerful enough that no one could hurt him any more. He would NEVER say this, but dude....... You cannot convince me this dude just wanted to be powerful to keep himself safe. To feel like he finally would've had enough power to protect the people he loves AND himself. He just didn't want to be hurt again. This is, by NO MEANS, an excuse for his actions. It's an explanation. His actions shouldn't be excused because of his ~ f e e l i n g s ~, but I firmly believe that post-D//M//C5, he could redeem himself for these actions. For everything he's done, he can realise it's wrong. He can grow to be a better person. He can reconcile with Dante and even be a good father to Nero. He can be better and I want to believe that he WOULD be better. After everything V went through, discovering that he doesn't really want to be the person he used to, Vergil can change and be better.

OOFIES. This has gone on long, BUT I STILL HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT THE REBOOT BOYS THAT I STRUGGLE TO PUT INTO WORDS, SO BEAR WITH ME IF THIS SEEMS STUPID OR GARBLED.

Context for the reboot: It's basically a remake of the series that got poor reception because people struggle to accept change. :) I will not debate this and anyone who wants to come at me can eat my socks.

Dante 2.0, like original Dante, HAS PROBLEMS. He's an edgy punk bitch who has problems and he's so ugly I love him.

This dude went his entire life struggling with his identity as someone "human." At one point, he was so convinced he didn't have a heart that he ripped open his own chest to see if he did. Yeah. Dude has issues. But it's ok, because in game, he legitimately sets aside his own issues with people to save humanity. Dude's got such BDE.

People hate him, but I feel like they fail to realise what the hell he's been through. He's been through just as much shit as original Dante. Same goes for Vergil 2.0. These boys have been through SO MUCH, but people don't see that because "Nooo!! You can't just remake the series!!!" Meanwhile I'm like "hehe handsome nephilim boys go brrr."

I literally cannot begin to explain the amount of hate people have for the reboot and it makes me sad, because... like.... y'all.... don't realise... these dudes... went through so much shit..... and yeah... I get it... remake bad, original good, but dude.... my dude.... my bro.... you do not have to hate it that much.... calm down, it's just a video game....

My dude Dante grew up in the system because the foster homes and shit he got placed in were run by demons!!! So he'd lash out at them!!! He was violent because demons suck!! They killed his mom and enslaved his dad!!! Imagine!!! Being surprised by that!!! When you know what he went through!!! Damn, couldn't be me!!!

Vergil went through some shit too!!! Like!!! Yeah, he was adopted into a rich family and lived a pretty cushy life, but fact of the matter is!!! Their parents died and they had their memories WIPED when they were kids!!! Imagine!!! The distraught!!! When he (since he found out who he was long before Dante did) realised what had happened!!! When he remembered!! When he discovered he wasn't human!! My dude founded a whole ass group of demon hunting hactivists because he knew demons sucked and wanted to make the world a better place. It wasn't until after Mundus (big stinky demon man) died that he started realising how frail humans could be and decided to be an asshole about it.

I'm so sad that there will never be any more about the reboot, because fans decided to be assholes about it. I'm so sad that we'll never learn more about what happened to those boys. I'm so sad that we'll never be able to see whether they reconcile or even have the opportunity to.

Alas, I have to rely on heavy headcanon and personal re-write of the story to fix canon instead. :<

[minaminokyoko]

Godzilla: King of Monsters: A Spoilertastic Review

To get straight to the point for some of you, yes, thank God, this movie is better than Godzilla '14.

For one, the title character is not only in the movie for a decent amount of time, they don't constantly cut away from the action and the film is properly lit so that even in night scenes and scenes with heavy rain, our lizard boi is fully visible. He also is kicking some ass and taking some names, and that's what we came here to see. Thus, it's immediately better than its predecessor.

However, a big problem with the movie is the humans. Not the supporting Monarch team, mind you, but the "family." This is one of the most poorly written families I've seen in a while. It's just baffling. They are very, very unlikable people. You don't really get to know them much, and moments where you do, you just don't like them. They are not easy to root for. It's a very similar problem to a lot of other disaster movies, where they pick a bunch of high strung, angry, selfish people as your leads to the point where you're kind of rooting for the disaster to get them, and that's sadly the other half of this film.

In short, they do the kaiju stuff well, but the humans drag the movie down a couple of enjoyment levels, if you ask me. Let's get to it.

Overall Grade: C

Spoilers ahead.

Pros:

-Godzilla and the other monsters look and sound great. They truly feel like their title: Titans. The movie does a good job of offering scale and giving you different perspectives to understand the size and scope of these creatures, and it's very cool to see some of them in the flesh while others are just named. They name-dropped Kong three times that I counted, but he's still Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Movie, which is irritating, but I also think that's for two reasons: (1) they need to build the hype train and sadly this movie is not on track to do well, as evidenced by my theater only having about eight people total in it opening weekend, and they need all the help they can get if they truly want to turn this into a franchise (2) they want to give him and Godzilla an entire rivalry film to themselves instead of just making him an extra here in this movie. Give them the room to breathe and be rivals in their own film rather than just shoehorning Kong into this debut of the other kaiju. But back to my point, the monsters all feel corporeal and intimidating. I really liked Mothra's design in particular. She looks gorgeous and is kind of the Ugly Cute variety of monster. I very much enjoyed seeing these creatures with some good effects given to them (although there are a few spots where it could look better, but WB struggles with this a lot, I've noticed) and the sounds they make are tremendous and impressive.

-The monster fights are pretty solid. I do admit that Pacific Rim kind of raised my bar for kaiju fights even though I know it's not the same story, but that to me is the perfect balance of human characters who are actually likable and useful versus giant monsters. I think it just should be a good blueprint for how to run the show if you're advertising giant monsters blowing up shit and beating the stuffing out of each other. I think the monster fights in King of Monsters are paced well and you can mostly understand where they are in relation to each other and how evenly matched they are. There were also smaller, neat details like seeing Mothra in her larva state then evolve into her adult form. That's very cool and creative and I enjoyed that little detail. The final smackdown with Godzilla and Ghidorah was a good monster mash, and I appreciate them giving it time and not cutting away. Godzilla's finishing move was 100% badass. Kudos to the big Lizard Boi, and kudos to Mothra for coming to help her lizard boyfriend as well against Rodan.

-The Monarch team is dicey at best, but the humans actually did more than just following him around like in Godzilla '14. It was actually a smart idea to introduce the ORCA and the concept of trying to at least either soothe or summon the monsters. I liked it a lot, and it was relatively realistic. We as a species are stupid and would of course try nukes first, but once they learned that these things actually feed on radiation and it makes them stronger, then they would be forced to find alternative options. It allowed the human characters to finally be truly relevant and not just dumb, wide-eyed spectators (although, God, there was a lot of that in this movie) and it gave the whole thing a sort of story.

-Just like the previous movie, Ken Watanabe gave a performance this movie did not deserve. He's just one of those actors where he's so seasoned that even though God knows this movie's script is not fucking Shakespeare, you could still tell that he cared a lot about the project and was easily the best actor hands down.

-I'm glad Emma dies. Fuck her. Thank you for having the teeth to not try and give her some shitty redemption that she wouldn't have deserved anyway. Thank you for sticking to your guns and doing just like Deep Blue Sea and letting the person responsible for all that death take the final bow for her shitty fucking actions.

-This has nothing to do with the canon, but I had a really cool idea: what if Last Action Hero Bad Guy is Tom Hiddleston's character from Kong: Skull Island? Wouldn't that be fucking neat?! It just occurred to me that since Hiddleston's character was probably in his 30's during the 1970's, he'd be in his 70's during this film and he's a tall, thin British dude. I would love it if we got some kind of backstory reveal that something happened that caused Hiddleston's character to turn against Monarch. Wouldn't that be a good idea for a second Kong movie? Seeing the hero turn to the villain for the sake of saving the planet? Man, I like that idea a lot, but that's me.

-I was glad to see Ziyi Zhang return to a big screen movie. I liked her and felt bad about what happened to her career, so it was cool seeing little bits of story, especially about how Asian cultures do in fact consider reptiles to be helpful and not hurtful. That was a neat little mythos thing for me.

Cons:

-As mentioned above, I hated this fucking family. This family is just unbearable. I know the film is ham-fisted in its attempts to deal with loss and tragedy and a broken home, but there is a way to do that. There is a way to write characters reconciling and putting aside a rough history to come together. This is not the way. It's so sloppily written that I was throwing my hands up in exasperation at certain points. They are so unlikable. You see so little of their home life, first off, that there is no real connection to get to know them. This is a common problem in action movies these days, too--they don't know how to set the stage and just rush into action. It's true we come to action movies for action, but that doesn't mean we don't also want to enjoy the characters we're spending time with. We know it's fully possible to have action packed movies with well-written leads. It's been done for decades, so this movie has no excuse for why the three family members are aggressively terrible. Emma is a selfish, thoughtless bitch and her motivations make zero sense. Mark is just an angry ex-alcoholic who just barely is relevant enough to be in the story. Madison is damn near a blank slate daughter archetype with little to offer except to be something to rescue. Even with one brief flashback of when they were happy, we're not given a reason to root for them because you never get to know them and the few character traits they do display are just awful. For that reason, we're gonna give Emma her own bullet point to explain why she is just the worst.

-Emma's motivation is completely ass-backwards. Going the eco-terrorism point makes no fucking sense for what happened to her. Hear me out. I can see what this movie was going for, and I know it's kind of an odd comparison, but what they ended up with is basically blonde Thanos. Fuck this woman. Fuck this woman for deciding that she's right and millions of other people need to die because she thinks she is right about something, and she was fucking wrong. 100% fucking wrong. It made no sense that because Godzilla killed your kid, you're gonna slaughter tens of thousands of other kids to "restore the earth" and make it some kind of utopia. You're gonna subject innocent lives to torture and death and trauma in the hopes that titantic animals you cannot at all control and barely understand will raze everything to ashes and then shit can grow again. This is some deeply white people shit, too. Sorry to pull that card, but yes, this is a full-on white people mentality of doing something that will hurt everyone else BUT YOU and thinking you have the right to make that fucking decision. She and Maddie were somewhere safe, and she told her ex-husband to go somewhere safe too, and then she pulled a trigger that killed millions of fucking people whose only crimes were existing. That environmentalist message was utter shit. Is the earth overpopulated and polluted? Yep. But the fucking solution is not to kill half the goddamn population. The solution is to work together and overthrow the corrupt people keeping us from finding realistic ways to solve the problem, not wiping out half of humanity while you sit in a goddamn doomsday bunker sipping coffee and congratulating yourself. The crazy thing is this blonde Thanos bullshit did not need to happen. Last Action Hero Bad Guy was perfectly fine in this role of basically the kaiju version of Ra's Al Ghul. It made sense for him to be like, "ay, fuck y'all for killing the earth, let's let the monsters have it back and then clean up afterward." All you had to do was keep it the way it was presented to us: he kidnapped her and the kid and forced them to help wake up the monsters. There was no need to for this idiotic Deep Blue Sea nonsense of her agreeing with him and somehow setting it up. Which, by the way, made no goddamn sense because he kills all those innocent scientists in the lab at the beginning of the movie. Did she know he would do that? If so, fuck her. Fuck her in the ass sideways for killing her own teammates. She could have met him somewhere else. What was with the guns and shit if she's the one who came up with this dumb idea? I hate everything about this character and I am glad she died in the end because she was as much a fucking monster as King Ghidorah.

-The dialogue in this movie is atrocious. Look, I get it, it's a generic action movie. But come on. There were seriously points where I just rolled my eyes or threw my hands up in exasperation because there were just so many Captain Obvious comments or unfunny one-liners thrown back and forth. It's painful to endure some of this shit. The "humor" in particular really hurts, because you can see they put pauses after certain lines where they think the audience is laughing, and trust me, no, we were NOT laughing. Stupid shit like telling a character to "hold on" as a fucking maelstrom is trying to blow them away or just other dumb filler dialogue that makes me wanna slap my forehead. It's egregious.

-The Monarch team is still kind of as stupid as the last movie. Not completely, but they were reaching hard in certain cases and they still felt useless. One example that drove me insane was when Godzilla went back to his bachelor pad to recharge, they then say this is where he comes to heal...and then proceed to nuke that shit. And I'm like...bitch, whatchu gon' do now if he gets hurt?! You're just gonna find him and nuke him every single time he's hurt?! What the fuck kind of plan is that? I get that the movie writers wanted a sense of urgency, but that was such an idiotic way to accomplish something needed for the plot. They introduced a cool concept and then eliminated it immediately. Oy. Another example is Mark's dumbass screaming for Maddie like she can possibly hear him at Fenway Park with fucking Ghidorah and Godzilla literally fighting right on top of the stadium. Are you kidding me? My God, Mark is stupid. He did the same thing when he ran into the base with a fucking pistol screaming her name and letting the armed mercs know exactly where the hell he was. I am shocked his dumbass didn't get immediately picked off. Moron.

-Sarigawa's death was some full-on nonsense. Fuck you for killing the only credible actor in the entire movie, and what's worse is that it very much feels like a person of color dying for the sake of some goddamn white people. Because, yes, folks, I'm sorry, this is a white woman's fault. All this shit is because a white woman wanted to be Thanos and now this awesome dude has to sacrifice himself. Fuck off. I hate this point in the story, even though bless Watanabe for giving us the only credible emotional scene in the entire movie.

-Even though she was barely a character, I disliked Sally Hawkins biting it randomly in the first third, and not getting much reverence. No, we didn't know shit about her, but it felt like the movie just said "fuck it" and moved right along like it was no big deal. I don't know why they even bothered.

-How in God's name did they somehow "sneak" Ghidorah's whole ass head out of fucking Boston with no one noticing? It's a giant dragon head! How did you fucking do that and no one saw you bring it all the way to Mexico? I swear to God, this movie is filled with plotholes. I'm fine with them setting up Mecha Ghidorah or just cloning him all over again, but why couldn't it just have been in Boston and they just snuck in during the dead of night and moved it somewhere nearby? That thing is gigantic and it's a hard pill to swallow that they just left without anyone noticing it.

EDIT: A fan corrected me that this was the head that Godzilla ripped off before the end fight, so the above point is invalid. Nice catch! Thank you! 

-Nitpick: Did Mothra die? That was unclear. I hope not. She's the Queen. I'll have to ask some Godzilla fans to explain what they thought happened after Ghidorah blasted her in the final fight.

-Nitpick: Good God, these human characters survive shit that would easily kill a normal person and it is a little bit grating on the nerves to suspend your disbelief this hard.

-Nitpick: I hate it when monsters the size of fucking buildings somehow notice tiny ass humans enough to bother giving them their attention or even their ire. "An ant has no quarrel with a boot." I hated it in '98 Godzilla and I still hate it. Something on that scale should not even vaguely bother with one tiny human being, but that's me.

I know I have some very heavy criticisms, but this is still a decent flick if you're just going to shell out for a matinee showing. The monsters are great and entertaining and there's plenty of fighting to go around that is worth a peek, especially the end fight with Ghidorah and Godzilla. It was pretty cool to see in IMAX as well, but I leave that up to you folks if it's worth it.

Kyo out.

[firedingo]

A Not So Little Update Post On Life

So it’s been a while since I’ve done one of the blog posts. Not by choice though. Life has been hectic!

Dad

So one of the biggest changes for me has been walking into a full-time caring role for my father who is challenging at the best of times because he likes the world to operate on his terms and that’s not how life works. At times I struggle to get him to see the seriousness of his situation.

He has long term health issues which include chronic alcohol abuse leading to memory issues and seizures when he undergoes withdrawal. He’s also only partially compliant with taking his medication which leads to further issues.

On top of that he had a valve replaced a few years ago with a metal one which means his blood clotting level needs to be monitored regularly and at the moment he’s like a rollercoaster going between so thick it’s like cheese to so thin it’s like water.

It’s also not helped by the fact my father is also essentially homeless and couch surfing with friends and refusing to even entertain any option that would cost more than $100/week. He’s dreaming if he thinks he’ll find anything at that rate because he won’t but because a mate of his will charge him that much to sleep on his couch he now compares everything else to that -_-

Uni

The other big thing which I think I’ve mentioned before has been uni. I went back to study to finish off my bachelor of Information Technology off. I have about a year’s worth of work left but doing it at part-time rate since I’ve been caring for my father.

Passed 1 of 2 subjects last semester which was my first semester. Got an additional exam for the other subject. Missed passing the final exam by 8 marks which means no subject pass even though I have the marks to pass :(

Only doing one subject this semester but will sit two exams in exam period. The additional exam from last semester and the exam for this subject. I’m hoping I can do this. A touch anxious because despite dropping back to one subject I’m still struggling to find time thanks to my father.

So 2 weeks ago my father was admitted to hospital confused thinking it was 1999 again. I spent a week concerned about him. Then 2 days ago I was admitted briefly for a few hours.

Viral Illness

For the last 6 days I’ve been suffering what I think is just a common cold but it has beat the living crap out of me. On triage at the hospital I had a temperature of 38 degrees Celsius or 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit.

I was also highly dehydrated despite drinking perhaps 4 litres or more of water every day for the previous 4 days. Alas none of the water was being absorbed and was just passing through me.

I also had a heart rate of 130 beats per minute which is only like 40 more beats than I’d normally have.

So they started me on a bag of fluids and got me some pain relief for my throat which by this stage was making it all but impossible to swallow food or liquids. About 30 minutes into the bag of fluids they checked me again and my temperature had gone up to 39.1 degrees Celsius or 102.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Yikes! Another 30 minutes later and my temp was back at 38 degrees Celsius or 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit.

Then the lovely nurse I knew gave me some steroids to reduce the swelling in my throat and started some antibiotics to cover their butts in case bacterial(I don’t think it’s bacterial but anyway).

Quite a few people commented that the colour has returned to my face after the bag of fluids. I began to realise little things like the return of saliva generation, the reduction in my thirst desire which I’d just not really registered in the 4 days prior. I was drinking automatically when I needed it but not really registering I was thirsty.

After everything I felt a lot more alert and more like myself. I wasn’t shivering every 5 seconds too. Just before discharge they checked my obs again and temp was down to 37.2  I think degrees Celsius or 98.96 degrees Fahrenheit. I remember 37 point something at least. Almost normal as I think it’s 36.7 for normal. My heart rate came back from 130 beats per minute to 100 beats per minute which was much better too.

So as you can see I’ve had a hell of a week with a raging fever and cough and sore throat. On Tuesday evening I reckon I might have been a good 39 or even 40 degrees Celsius / 102.2 or even 104 degrees Fahrenheit.

So consequently I’m now so far behind on an assignment due this week. Hoping I’m granted special consideration for it. Between my dad last week and me this week I’ve been unable to work on it. It’s not hard but it will require a clear head and time neither of which I’ve been able to find.

Church & Christianity

Now the other big news. So I’m not sure if I’ve said it here or much here but I think it’s worth sharing.

So 7 and 3/4 months ago I started going to church with my neighbours. At first it was an exercise in curiosity and intellect. I learned heaps and found sooooooo many assumptions I’d made were sooooooooo wrong too.

Remember kids, Never Judge a Book By Its Cover! And that goes for the Holy Bible too!

Seriously though I’d never read it and made assumptions from what little I did know. I was made a fool of to myself for that. I was glad to know the truth first hand for myself.

What I never expected was to believe. In all this time I’ve been skeptical and questioned everything and you know what? It stacks up more than you might expect.

What has struck me the most is when you read through what Jesus went through in that final week leading up to his crucifixion. It becomes pretty clear that the horror of what is about to happen begins to really set in for Jesus.

Through Year 11 at high school I took Ancient History for a subject. I looked at Emperor Nero and the burning of Rome. Consequently I got to know Tacitus’s work very well and I quite respect him as a historian. He speaks about Jesus.

Tacitus was a Roman senator. He was born within a few years after Jesus’s death and he was no fan of Christians or Jesus and was VERY loyal to the Roman empire, yet he speaks with such confidence of the death of Jesus you have to ask why would he lie? To me this along with the likely medical evidence of what he went through says Jesus died on the cross.

It was a pretty gruesome death. He essentially suffocated to death in agonizing pain and according to the Bible he was fully conscious of what was happening until the last moment when he finally grew too weak to be able to inhale again.

So the striking bit, the striking bit is that despite all that, Jesus WILLINGLY went through it all. How many people can you say that would do that? That would suffer an unbelievably painful death to save another?

That’s such a profound love that it’s almost incomprehensible. We see mirrors of that behaviour in tragedies we experience. I think about the one of the cars that drove down one of the streets in Melbourne and people pushed others out of the way of the car to save them only to be collected themselves. That’s love, incredible love!

That’s why I so really.....well love this passage from Romans 5, because I think it captures the whole idea and act of love so well.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

- Romans 5 : 6 - 11

The other thing I never expected was to be poked back when I started poking Christianity. I can’t explain it.....or well I can’t scientifically explain it but when I pray God hears me and my prayers are answered.

Mental health

Getting to know Jesus and through Jesus God has been one of the best things for me. So the word Gospel means good news and truthfully this has been good news, this has been the best news of my life.

Quite literally it has saved my life. And I don’t mean like saved from being thrown into hell. I mean saved from taking my own life by suicide saved.

Before as readers should know, I had a pretty hopeless outlook on life. I would describe it as a nihilistic hoplessness because it really was that bad.

So I went to my church’s Good Friday and Easter Sunday services. The minister preaching then on Easter Sunday said “death removes the meaning from life”. It profoundly changed the way I looked at everything!

It all struck me and made sense to me on that Good Friday but it was Easter Sunday that transformed my life and filled me with hope.

Suddenly everything mattered in the light of the idea of eternal life. For you see even our greatest buildings will be consumed in more or less 1000 years. At that point what can we do that will last? Nothing!

But if we live after death then the most valuable thing we have is our relationships and how we treat other people.And that means what I do now will have a lasting impact because I will remember what I’ve done and so will they.

That means every action now has meaning, from something as simple as helping an elderly person reach something at the supermarket to how I speak about my life to other people.

I have begun to change in response to this too. Fear no longer rules my life.

I find that lots of the Bible is true, for example when Jesus says:

29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

- Matthew 11 : 29 - 30

I find that this is very true. The burden is far less than I put upon myself and I bear the world on my shoulders as the Titan Atlas did/does.

I have been so profoundly changed for the good by my belief I got baptized last Sunday. I froze my arse off too :P

Despite that it was a wonderful day and I want to share with all of you the profoundly good news and great gift I have found in Christianity and my church.

While I know not everyone is interested, can I encourage anyone who is to take a chance, to really go all in. Look at me, I tried to take my own life in the past twice no less and yet I have been given the greatest gift - a life of hope and love by daring to take a chance. If I can go from nihilistic hopelessness to a life of hope and love then why not give it a shot?

What’s the worst that can happen eh? Worst is that nothing changes but I think you’ll find more than that because there’s something about Christianity that’s beautiful and healing.

To give you some insight. I’ve been struggling with self-harm thoughts for a long time, more than a decade. The other night while I was very ill and not coping I had to deal with them again. I said no and pushed back against them. It’s the first time I said no and didn’t self-harm myself despite the thoughts.

I have changed. I have grown, I have healed and I am healing and I am loved and I love and I have hope and NONE of this would have been possible without church and Christianity. It’s truly profoundly changed my life for the better!

Game Jam & Closing Stuff

So as you can see my life has been hectic hey? I haven’t given up on video games either :D

I started having a crack at GMC Jam a few weeks ago but well dad ate my time up. I did get something started though. I should finish it though.

And yes that is a giant infinite column of spawning slimes :P

And yes I noticed my tiles needed a bit of adjusting and offsetting to make them a touch bit better but that’s cool. I was impressed I got like 4 variations with minimal work to add variety.

The player also animates just in a still image that’s hard to show.

Just been so stupidly busy I just haven’t had the time for video games! But I wanted to share some of my life and give a bit of an update on things because well it might be a while before I can get another one of these little......well not so little update posts out.

[philomaela]

Borgia or Vikings? :)

Oh my god Borgia! Without a doubt lmao. Okay now strap in because this is gonna be a full on dissertation omg.

I know it seems like an easy choice for me to make, bc I’m not as personally interested in the Borgias as historical figures, especially compared to my love of the Saga of Ragnar Lodbrok. However, I have kind of undergone a shift in how I view historical fiction. I don’t love things just bc they are accurate or inaccurate, I like deviations as long as they add to the story you are trying to tell.

I mean for example, the choice to have Lagertha divorce Ragnar instead of the other way around. The choice to flip the ages of the sons so that Ivar is the youngest. To have Ragnar start out as a farmer, in search of a new land. These are all good changes in the sense that they positively impacted the story Hirst was trying to tell and carried weight and meaning about the world he was building. They were deviations with a point and purpose that helped create a strong narrative. I’ve started to move away from “historically accurate” and towards “historically inspired” in the sense of was the author inspired by these historical aspects, were they trying to say something through this portrayal. I’m not describing it very well, I want you to have a specific intent basically, as pretentious and vague as that sounds.

But that’s what Borgia felt like to me, that there was a lot of fascination with the world and the discussions in it were full of intent (god I need to pick a better word). Like, I made a compilation post of some of the moments of religious discussion in Borgia, with Tom Fontana’s statement of intention about Borgia as a series. The interest I had in that statement wasn’t whether it was historically accurate or not, but the fact that it clearly laid out the feeling Tom Fontana intended to capture in the world of Borgia. People struggling to reconcile their religions with science, to understand their faith within the context of a much more complicated world. I mean, that conversation where Alessandro consents to Giulia having a cesarean section? That is a big moment that lays out new science conflicting with his faith and I think it’s really well done.

Vikings definitely had that sort of vibe for me, in the first 3 seasons. But I do feel that it’s devolved and become very simplistic. Vikings season 1 so beautifully captured the “curious spirit” of the Viking Age that Hirst was trying to portray… in a way that highlighted how raiding wasn’t the only aspect of their society. That economic need and lack of land was in part what drove them to push outward. But now it’s turned into “we must embark on a new way of life” and it’s a bit… not simplistic or even incorrect (like war is bad lmao) but I think it kind of betrays the themes of the first two seasons in a way. Because the first two season to me highlighted how it wasn’t just “bloodthirsty vikings love war” and yet that’s what the fight is now. And that’s not me saying that like the raids in the first two season showed that the characters were good or correct, obviously. But they set up an understandable world that I don’t think is present in the later seasons.

Also, I love the way the character arcs formed in Borgia. They were cohesive and subtle in a way that Vikings has never been lol. What I enjoyed was that characters could struggle with the same thing throughout all the seasons, while still moving forward and undergoing character development. Like, Lucrezia killing Juan! I loved that it wasn’t played as like… the moment she turns into a femme fatale or something nor is she constantly stuck in a rut of “did I do the right thing or not”. Instead it’s something that affects and informs a lot of her actions throughout the show in a believable manner. She can choose to leave her guilt behind in s2, and yet still in s3 tell Alfonso killing his brothers will change his life forever and their blood will be unwashable from his hands.  It reveals her own feelings, yes she can live with Juan’s blood on her hands and yet that action fundamentally changed her life forever even if it didn’t ruin it. Compare that to like Floki killing Athelstan (or Lagertha killing Aslaug) something that definitely negatively affected his life and yet… he never really dealt with emotionally, not even the fallout.

So yeah, Borgia lmao.

[buttsonthebeach]

*bangs fists on the table* I need a Hamilton solas meta! Have you done this and I missed it? I think it’s such a cool idea and you’ve done some cool stuff with the idea 💕

MY FRIEND.

Thank you for giving me the excuse to do the post I have wanted to do forever and ever and ever. (It got really long. I’m sorry?)

I was deep in the depths of my Hamilton obsession (which, like Solavellan hell, is eternal) when I first played Inquisition, and at first I thought it was just the fact that I was obsessed with both that made me see so many parallels, but the more I have thought about it, the more I have thought that there are truly some fascinating connections between the two “main” characters in the musical (Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr) and our favorite unwashed apostate hobo, as well as the overall plot of Inquisition.

For starters, who do you think said something along these lines: I can totally fix this mistake by making a different, bigger mistake. (Okay, this one isn’t a direct quote, but listen to the song “Hurricane” and tell me it isn’t what Hamilton is saying.)

Or this: Death doesn’t discriminate / Between the sinners and the saints/ It takes and it takes and it takes / And history obliterates / Every picture it paints / It paints me in all my mistakes

Sound eerily familiar?

So, the meta that has guided my characterization of Solas pretty much since I started writing him is this: Solas was an Alexander Hamilton who lived long enough to see himself become an Aaron Burr, and if he has any hope of redemption, it lies in him returning to those Hamiltonian sides of himself.

When you first meet Hamilton in the musical, he is the “young scrappy and hungry” revolutionary who talks too much and cares even more. To me, this is the perfect analog to Solas in his early days in Elvhenan. As he tells Blackwall, he was once “cocky and hot-blooded,” just as Hamilton is when he first arrives in America. We know he was highly idealistic, just as Hamilton is, and it wouldn’t shock me to find out he also had something to prove. I doubt he was a member of Elvhenan’s ruling class, at least not to start out. I also love that both young Hamilton and Solas are anti-slavery, a position that was revolutionary in both of their societies at the time.

Next, Hamilton and Solas both get wrapped up in a war, and are handpicked by a famous general to be their “right hand man” - in Hamilton’s case, Washington’s - in Solas’s case, Mythal’s. I tend to believe that Mythal was not Solas’s lover, but instead a trusted mentor and friend, or even a mother figure, just as Washingotn becomes a complex father figure for Hamilton. I also tend to believe that Solas may have struggled to overcome his cocky and hot-blooded nature despite his increasing social status and political power, just as Hamilton does.

(Now, this is where we skip a big chunk of the musical - mainly the romance with Eliza - but I’ll get back to that.)

Like Hamilton, Solas is an incredible talent, but this talent begins to sow the seeds of their undoing. Hamilton is an incredible legal and financial mind who writes “financial systems into existence” the same way that Solas creates the Veil, which was equally as unprecedented. But, even as they reach the peak in their careers, they also approach their downfall - Hamilton because of his affair with Maria Reynolds, and Solas because of his inability to accept Mythal’s betrayal and death. (Although Solas’s downfall also seems to be connected to his deeply held ideals, and we don’t have the full story there yet.)

Both men take drastic actions that they believe will fix this - Hamilton with the “Reynolds Pamphlet” confessing to the affair before anyone can use it against him, and Solas with the creation of the Veil. Both actions fix part of the problem, but lead to a ripple of unintended consequences (Hamilton’s estrangement from his beloved wife and loss of his political career, and Solas’s descent into uthenera, and the end of Thedas as he knew it).

Here is where they diverge - Hamilton’s downward spiral leads more or less to the death of his son, his reconciliation with Eliza, and then to his death in a duel. But while Solas seemingly dies - he also wakes up thousands of years later in a world he barely recognizes.

Enter Aaron Burr.

Burr already has status, wealth, power, knowledge - but he is deeply alone, saying that “everyone who loves me has died,” and deeply obsessed with his legacy. Sound like Solas, post-elevation to “godhood” and uthenera? Rather than choosing to stand for something, Burr wants to “talk less and smile more” and always seeks to take actions that lead to his own advancement, rather than choosing his actions based on his ideals. To me, this rings so much of Solas in his early Inquisition days. He actively hides behind a mask, he deceives, he takes actions that benefit his agenda and no one else’s (like giving the orb to Corypheus). Burr, unlike Hamilton, does not cultivate a close group of friends, and instead stands alone, much like Solas.

The thing is, in my mind, Solas never slips fully into being Burr - we still always get glimpses of the Hamilton underneath, or of Burr’s own softer side. (One great thing about this musical is that Burr is never fully a villain, just as I would argue that Solas is not fully a villain.) Burr also falls in love, also becomes a father, also has doubts and insecurities. Solas still approves when you help people, still approves of the Inquisitor seeking the understand the world around them better even as he plans to destroy that world.

Now, enter Eliza/Lavellan. (See, I said we’d come back to it!)

Of course, this is where the parallels only exist if you play your game this way. I can’t necessarily say that this is true of all Lavellans, or of worldstates where Solas does not have a romance. But, I do think it has some great parallels to any worldstate where Solas is romanced, even if they aren’t perfect.

Eliza is in awe of Hamilton, saying that there’s “nothing that [his] mind can’t do,” and describing how her love for him has her “helpless,” a word that feels innocent enough in the throes of young love, but still contains the seed of future heartbreak. She is a grounding force for Hamilton, constantly seeking to draw him back to the real, to the now, and out of his world of grand ideals. “That Would Be Enough” will forever be one of my all-time favorite Solavellan songs for that reason. I mean, look at this:

Oh, let me be apart of the narrative

In the story they will write someday

Let this moment be the first chapter

Where you decide to stay

And I could be enough

And we could be enough

That would be enough

(Again, the characterization of your Lavellan might not fall in line with this, but to me it captures so much of the wistfulness that I see in so much Solavellan.)

But, here’s where I see another parallel - Lavellan is also a source of temptation for Solas, pulling him away from his true purpose and plans. She is not only his Eliza, but his Maria Reynolds. “Say No To This” was actually the first song that made me sit up and go “holy shit, this is such a Solas song.” I mean, come on:

Lord, show me how to say no to this

I don’t know how to say no to this

But my god she looks so helpless

And her body’s saying hell yes

I see you, Mr. I-can’t-stop-myself-from-kissing-Lavellan-even-when-I-know-it’s-a-bad-idea. (Also, look at Lin-Manuel Miranda flawlessly bringing the word “helpless” back, this time with a different woman, to draw his own parallels between Eliza and Maria. Damn, he’s good.)

And unfortunately, just as Eliza and Hamilton’s love story has a tragic ending, Solavellan does too.

That euphoric helplessness Eliza feels when she first falls in love with Hamilton turns to actual helplessness as he has an affair, tells the whole world about it, indirectly gets their eldest son killed, and then loses his own life. That second arc in their story reminds me so much of how Solavellan ends. “Burn” will forever be one of my favorite Lavellan songs for Trespasser, as she bitterly describes how Hamilton’s ideals and legacy mattered more to him than his family - just as Solas’s ideals and beliefs ultimately matter more to him than his love for Lavellan.

But.

But.

There is a beautiful, heartbreaking little song called “It’s Quiet Uptown” that gives me the tiniest bit of hope for Solas, and for Solavellan.

Eliza and Hamilton do reconcile before his death.

They do find a way through something as “unimaginable” as losing a child - through “moments when [they’re] in so deep / it feels easier to just swim down.” It takes Hamilton stepping up, acknowledging that everything he has done is wrong, that he still loves Eliza, and that he would be happy if he can just stay by her side. He owns up, and then he gives Eliza the choice to forgive him or not.

If we could have a moment like that - a moment where Solas finds his way back to Lavellan, where he acknowledges his faults and problems and asks for forgiveness, with no action on her part - if he truly wants to be redeemed, as Hamilton does in that moment - then I think we too could get that refrain of “forgiveness / can you imagine?”

I can’t think of a better ending. But it has to come from Solas, just as it has to come from Hamilton himself.

And, then, you know, he has to not give in to the other side of his nature and end up dead in a duel, as Hamilton does.

Anyway, thank you for coming to my TED talk about Hamilton and Dragon Age, I have 500000 more parallels in mind, and you can see most of them in The World Turned Upside Down, my Inquisition retelling paired with Hamilton songs, although I also have fun drawing parallels in my other fics. I have accepted my place in the deepest pits of Hamilton and Solavellan hell. I’ll be here forever and ever!

[cpdevos]

5/22/21: Loving My Enemy? Gross >:{

Hi everyone!

Happy Saturday, hope that you are all enjoying this great weather and have some very exciting summer plans for the coming months, now that (hopefully) everyone’s getting vaccinated!

So yesterday I was applying to some scholarships, which required me to find a Computer Science professor who could “comment on the quality of academic work”, and I was in a pickle. If you don’t know, the class sizes for Computer Science at my college are around 100-200 students, and the professors usually don’t know who you are unless you sit in the front row and constantly answer questions, or always go to their office hours. Unfortunately, I did not do any of these things, and online classes had only exacerbated this problem further. So, in the end, I just emailed some of my professors, hoping at least one would agree to be a reference for a student they had never met.

One professor responded very rudely to my email request, and I was livid. So I sent a very passive aggressive email in response, making sure to keep it all wrapped up under a fake layer of politeness. It made me feel better at the thought of me making him as angry as he made me.

Now stop.

Was I justified in doing this?

It’s funny, because the response I get varies from person to person. Most of my non-Christian friends would say, “Yeah, he deserved it for being a rude prick.” But many of you may be thinking, “That wasn’t very Christian of you Joanna. Why aren’t you showing patience and forgiveness to this professor?” And probably we were all thinking of what Jesus says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. . . If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?” (Matthew 5:43-46)

The Bible is filled with stories of mercy and forgiveness. David chooses not to take Saul’s life when Saul is hunting him down. Esau and Jacob reconcile years after Jacob steals Esau’s blessing. And of course Jesus forgave all of us of our sins, which nailed him to the cross. Whenever I read of these unbelievable acts of grace and mercy, and then look at my life, where I am constantly plagued with bouts of petty annoyances, I feel a bit ashamed and a little disheartened. The people in the Bible seem to give up their beef too easily, as if it was not a big deal at all. The best example of this I can think of is the story of Joseph.

For anyone who hasn’t read the story of Joseph, I would encourage you to read it in Genesis 37-50 before reading the rest of this devo, just so you know what’s going on and because I’m going to spoil the ending.

The basic gist of the story is Joseph’s ten older brothers hate him and sell him off as a slave to Egypt. But then through God’s plan, Joseph ends up becoming the second most powerful man in Egypt. A famine occurs throughout the land and Joseph runs into his brothers again when they come to Egypt to buy grain. At first, Joseph pretends he doesn't know them and accuses them of being spies. Then he puts them to the test, hiding a silver cup in his brother Benjamin’s sack and accusing Benjamin of theft, demanding that Benjamin become his slave. Judah then steps forward, volunteering to take Benjamin’s place and -- HOORAY HOORAY, Joseph reveals himself and all is fine and dandy. They’re all one happy family and Joseph even says to them,

“Do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you” (Genesis 45:5)

I read somewhere that Joseph is one of the people in the Bible where nothing bad is mentioned about him. So, a common interpretation of Joseph’s reunion with his brothers is that he had already forgiven them when he saw them. He was just testing them to see if they had changed, and when the brothers passed the test with flying colors, Joseph then revealed himself, with no hard feelings at all.

Rereading the story of Joseph, I found it hard to believe that Joseph could forgive his brothers so easily for what they did. Yes it had been more than a decade since he had been sold into slavery, but just imagine if you were in his shoes. Just imagine one night, your siblings try to murder you. MURDER YOU. But then they decide that it pays better if they sold you off as a slave instead. That would’ve hurt, wouldn’t it? Just the thought that your family wants you dead, sells you off without a second thought, not caring if you would die being abused as the slave of some house.

Look at it from this light. What would have happened if the brothers had not passed the “test” that Joseph set in front of them, when Benjamin was accused of stealing Joseph’s cup?

“Only the man who was found to have the cup will become my slave. The rest of you, go back to your father in peace.” (Genesis 44:17)

It is made abundantly clear that Joseph has a soft spot for his brother Benjamin, whom they shared a mother with. When Joseph sees Benjamin for the first time, he begins to weep. And during the meal they were given, Benjamin’s meal is five times as much as anyone else’s.

So what would have happened if, after the cup incident, the other brothers had said, “Well, at least we’re alright. Benjamin can stay with you, good day”? Then they would have left, and I assume Joseph would then reveal himself to Benjamin, and it would be a happy reunion between just the two of them. So, from my interpretation (feel free to disagree with me if you want), it seemed like it was never Joseph’s initial intention to reveal himself to all his brothers. His actions seem geared towards trying to keep Benjamin in Egypt, and to get rid of the other 10.

Rereading the story of Joseph, I felt that he still had not forgiven his brothers when they showed up in Egypt. It explains why Joseph chose not to reveal himself at once, why he treated them so harshly, accusing them of being spies and kept them locked up in prison for three days. He was still bitter about what they did, and when he put the silver cup in Benjamin’s sack, Joseph expected his brothers to do what they did to him. Turn their backs and abandon Benjamin.

But that makes Judah’s plea to him all the more powerful. I’m going to put it here (feel free to skip over it if you don’t want to read all of it), just because it’s so beautiful the way it is written. I get a bit teary-eyed everytime I read it.

“Pardon your servant, my lord, let me speak a word to my lord. Do not be angry with your servant, though you are equal to Pharaoh himself. My lord asked his servants, ‘Do you have a father or a brother?’ And we answered, ‘We have an aged father, and there is a young son born to him in his old age. His brother is dead, and he is the only one of his mother’s sons left, and his father loves him.’

“Then you said to your servants, ‘Bring him down to me so I can see him for myself.’ And we said to my lord, ‘The boy cannot leave his father; if he leaves him, his father will die.’ But you told your servants, ‘Unless your youngest brother comes down with you, you will not see my face again.’ When we went back to your servant my father, we told him what my lord had said.

“Then our father said, ‘Go back and buy a little more food.’ But we said, ‘We cannot go down. Only if our youngest brother is with us will we go. We cannot see the man’s face unless our youngest brother is with us.’

“Your servant my father said to us, ‘You know that my wife bore me two sons. One of them went away from me, and I said, “He has surely been torn to pieces.” And I have not seen him since. If you take this one from me too and harm comes to him, you will bring my gray head down to the grave in misery.’

“So now, if the boy is not with us when I go back to your servant my father, and if my father, whose life is closely bound up with the boy’s life, sees that the boy isn’t there, he will die. Your servants will bring the gray head of our father down to the grave in sorrow. Your servant guaranteed the boy’s safety to my father. I said, ‘If I do not bring him back to you, I will bear the blame before you, my father, all my life!’

“Now then, please let your servant remain here as my lord’s slave in place of the boy, and let the boy return with his brothers. How can I go back to my father if the boy is not with me? No! Do not let me see the misery that would come on my father.”(Genesis 44: 32-34)

And that is when Joseph breaks. The very next verse says that he “could no longer control himself,” and that’s when he reveals himself to his brothers and weeps aloud for all to hear.

Of course, this might not be what was actually going on within Joseph’s head, it’s just my own interpretation. I like thinking about this story this way though. Joseph seems less of a godly saint, someone who is unattainably good and holy. Rather, he seems just like me, someone struggling with the concept of loving your enemies. He probably struggled with the thought of forgiving his brothers while he was in Egypt, how could he after the unforgivable thing they had done to him? And when he sees them again, hears their voices, all the old, bitter pain wells up to the surface, and he feels the old, burning anger within him, that pain that had always plagued him over the years.

But what’s so amazing about this story is how God was able to take this whole thing and turn it on its head. How God was able to open Joseph’s eyes with Judah’s words, to let him see how his brothers had changed over the years, that they were no longer the monsters that he thought they were. And in that moment, Joseph lets go. He lets go of that bitterness that he had been holding on for so long, and he welcomes his brothers, his enemies, with open arms. And he sees that,

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20)

Loving our enemies will never be easy, it’s not just an over and done with thing. I can’t just say “Okay, I will stop hating this person,” and everything is fine. Everything is not fine, especially if the person who has hurt you never says sorry, or isn’t even aware that they did anything wrong. If someone has wronged you, the world tells you that you are completely justified to hate them for the rest of their lives, or until they apologize to you. But God tells you to do something radical, something completely counterintuitive to everything your mind is telling you to.

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44 KJV)

If Jesus can do it, if Joseph can do it, we could do it too. Lay aside the bitterness, even if it takes months, years, decades to finally let go of that hate for your enemy. God is the one guiding us.

Love you all!

Joanna :)

P.S: Sorry this devo is super long, if you made it all the way to the bottom, I’m quite impressed. Most people probably don’t read this far, or even read the devos haha. If you’ve gotten this far, I would love to hear your thoughts about this passage. Also this isn’t really relevant but did you know that it takes 364 licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Crazy right? Pls drop any fun facts or good puns

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

04.01.2021

Dear G,

Today would have the been the day that I had planned on emailing . To think of the difference what a (few) days makes is an understatement . I can’t even begin to express my absolute and complete gratitude at being able to be back in your life and being able to have the grace of your forgiveness and the warmth of your love again. I feel like I finally am back home in your heart after all this time. I remember how anxious I was before I emailed you. For days and days and days I counted down that calendar and I got worked up I couldn’t even sleep. So many things going through my head. So many hopes. So fears. So many emotions. But anxiety. I think now of where I was emotionally and mentally when I read your tumblr and I think of how far I’ve come from those two days ago. I really feel like in the past few days I’ve had a breakthrough. Yes I did of course not like reading your tumblr posts that night.  I did have my moment of spiraling, old ways of behavoiur are so entrenched  that it is so easy to just click into them without even a thought. Then you know what ? I just accepted the way i felt and thought of the best course of action given what I was feeling. It was the right one. Mmmmm I crying . Tears of joy though. I just started to write to you and I didn’t stop until I had everything I would ever want to say to you if it was the last thing that you ever read of mine with your beautiful brown eyes. But at least I would know that I gave my entire heart and energy to telling you just how much you mean to me and you’re the love of my life and my soulmate. Like I said, I had no expectations, I was completely open and had already accepted that I may have had to love you from afar. For however long . It didn’t matter. You’re the love of my life and my last love. I want to die with you and find you again in our next life together. 

Then i went to bed. Went to sleep. There was a strange feeling of quiet in me. I just ached but I knew I had done all I could . I did everything i said I could and would. I unabashedly asked you back into my life and I completely and fully asked to be back in yours. It was at least complete that much. The rest I left to you and I went to sleep not knowing what would happen. Oh god . I’m crying again .I’m laughing too and smiling . Don’t worry I’m not losing it . I’m just sober. I realize I really am a sensitive emotional person all the time. I really am happy to be exactly who I want to be and to know who i don’t want to be. Then just focus on the positive. With you I feel safe to be me and with you I’m home. But i’m sidetracked. I woke up around 1030 after not sleeping and I checked my phone right away . I looked for your email . I scrolled so fast I missed it. i locked the phone and was going to go back to sleep . But then I checked one more time and there you were . You’re beautiful name . I opened it and started to cry . Tears of joy. Just complete and utter joy at being able to read something you wrote and to be able to hear your voice . I was just in such a state of warmth of being after being out in the cold for so long. Then I started to write to you. So much . So many things I wanted to say to you . My best friend. I took so long to write that first email back to you I was crying so much. 

It was a blessing to be able to read those words. I heard you speak every word when I read it. It was like we hadn’t even been apart a second . It was all there. You . Me. Our Love. Our dream. Our story. I just couldn’t have been any happier. I really didn’t know if you would email me back . But we did. Again and again and again. Then when you didn’t  I waited . I waited for you to email me again. I was here for you and I will always be here for you. I told myself this so many times before we even were in contact again . I told myself I would wait for you . Forever if I had to . But I would have if you hadn’t of emailed me back. The one thing that I want to always do with you from now on is always be here for you. You call me I pick up. You msg me I message back . You need me . I always here. You tell me what you need . I will do my best to provide . You tell what you don’t want . I will steer clear of those things. I am just happy to be in your life and I am also focussed and committed to you and to us. I’m also set on making sure we take this at your pace, at your comfort level, at your boundary points, at your control. For too long in our relationship I took the control away from you. No more. No more my love. You are in control of this. It is your choice always. You’re right. Forgiving is the healthy choice. So is not forgetting the pain of those last few weeks and the pain I caused. I am grateful that you have forgiven me. By forgiving me I think I will be able to forgive myself. Some days are better than others. But i’m peace in the fact that you, the love of my life, has fogiven me. I don’t want to ever forget either where both of our rock bottom moments in our relationship together and as well our relationships with ourselves. I will never forget it because I never want to go there ever again. That is a door that I want to remain closed on myself and on us for as long as I’m alive. It’s ok to look through the windows and see whats in there but I refuse to simply even open it , let alone put one toe or finger inside. I am here and I am thankful I am here for you. Every day of my struggle to get back to us was a struggle worth fighting for . I did that . That was me . I fucking did that. For me. Then for us. I am here and I always will be now and forever.

Now that I am here and had a few days of the most restful sleep ever. Peaceful i n the knowledge that we once again dream the same dream, the work continues. The path is long. This is just beginning. You know it and I know it. Now more than ever now that I am back in your heart, and where I want to spend the rest of my days, I will relentlessly and tirelessly work on not just understanding my faults, my defects of character, my trauma, my insecure attachments, my addictions, my self sabotage, I will learn why I have them, I will accept them and accept myself, I will then unlearn them and replace with healthy positive behavoirs, I will reconcile the parts of me that I don’t like and change them into the best person i can be.  This is never going to end and I know that. This is a lifelong path of health, sobriety and understanding. The work will never be over, I will never one day be cured of being an alcoholic, I will never one day stop being a drug addict, I will never one not be the adult child of trauma, I will never one day not have to every day fight for myself and protect the person that I want to be against sliding back into old toxic habits, old negative ways of acting, and the old no longer needed me. That’s ok. I look forward to each and every day. I am not perfect. Far from it . But I know where i want to go . I know the path I want to take. I know each and every day I want to get just a bit more better just enough so that I keep adding the joy into my life and to the ones around me that I love dearly. You my love I love dearly with all my heart. You are the love of my life. I know that like like I know the inside of my soul. Nothing could ever change my love for you. What can change and should change is how i love you and how we love each other. So many decades of insecurities, fears, self doubt, self sabotage, self hatred pity, anger, shame , regret that i will overcome everyday. I through being of my own life, I’m done being my own worst. I here for me. I’m my own biggest hero. I am going to take back what is mine and has been mine in my life. My choice to always do the best and be the best person I can be. I deserve love and happiness. I’m going to get it. Yes there will bad days . Tough days . Hard days . But nothing ever worthwhile was easy. Change isn’t easy. Accceptance isn’t easy. Fighting against old patterns isn’t easy. But its worth it. I’m worth. 

What is easy is loving you . I love you like I breath. I adore you and cherish you like a treasure in my life. I am always for you and for us from now on. I want to to tell you again that you my love do not need to ever feel guilty for anything. My addiction is not your burden. You leaving me gave me eyes to see me in the cold light of day. Rock bottom and a active drug addict that had lost the love of his life so he could have nothing but his fears, shame, regret and pain. I will never forget that and I will always be grateful to you. Yes i did the work . Yes it was me. But also yes in that act of love you showed a way I could have never seen before. You showed me a mirror. I didn’t like looking at it. I desperately knew I wanted to be happy and change. 

So my love I am here and will always be here. You take as much time as you need . Healing still has to happen. You take it as slow as you want . You need to protect your inner child. You guard your heart until you no longer fear being hurt again. You listen and check my words against my actions. For too long my actions haven’t matched my words. You question me as much as you want. I will be here to answer. You tell me what you need . I will do my best to provide . I will be here for it all. I will be here for everything. I am going to be loving you and be in your life. I am going to ask you to rise in love with me each and every day through our actions, by choosing to love each other in a healthy safe and secure way. I am dreaming the same dream as you again. One day we’ll have a home for us again. Not just in hearts, but a place for you and for me and for princesita. Until then I am here and your heart is all need to feel like I have finally after all this time have returned home and can now rest.

I cherish you

You are the love of my life

You are my soulmate

I am always going to be here for you 

Forever and Day