#has transcript/cc

[tequitoclown]

Real footage of what an iterator sees when they send an overseer to look at a slugcat

[Video Description: A short video of a tuxedo cat sitting on a kitchen counter, staring at the camera with her mouth slightly open and with incredibly wide eyes. The only audio is the owner is laughing through the speaker on the camera as she stares in awe. ./End ID]

[tequitoclown]

[Video ID: A person shows the camera a piece of paper that reads:

"Customer Note 3/21/24 My gf is trans, what blanket should I get for her" The person says "This customer says my gf is trans, what blanket should I get for her?"

The video cuts to the person holding a folded blanket in their hands, saying "Listen, if one thing about trans people it's that they go crazy for Banjo Frog" They unfurl the blanket, revealing the pattern to be a frog sitting upright playing a banjo. A swamp-like background with the sun shining is also seen. ./End ID]

[royalarchivist]

Pac: This is the new me, ok? I want you to welcome... the new Pac! [...] This skin is really cool, I think I'm gonna use this more often.

Himaru: ...What happened to you, man? Did you get run over? 😰

Pac: [Laughs] Don't judge me, don't judge me!

Being ugly in Arkanis is a crime, and unfortunately for all of us, Pac loves being a criminal. 😓

[ Full Subtitle Transcript ↓ ]

—

Pac: Guys– This is the new me, ok? I want you to welcome... the new Pac!

Pac: [Laughs]

[Pac gets kicked from the server with the message: "Change this"]

Pac: [Laughing] No! No! No– I won't change, I won't change, I won't change! I won't change! Let me- let me in! No no no– What a dictatorship– there can't be a dictatorship here, no– No, I won't change! [Stammers] I'm- I'm myself! I'm myself!

Pac: [Pinches his nose so he has a nasally voice] Hi friends, welcome to class. I'm going to talk like that, ok? I'll even turn off the facecam, because today, I'm going to– I'm kidding, no no no.

Pac: Man, this skin is really cool, it really is. I think that this– I'm gonna use this more often, man. [Reading chat] "Halloween is over" Guys, this– This is who I am now! Who I am– This is me now, I'm this person here.

[Red text appears on the screen saying "30 seconds to change"]

Pac: "30 seconds to change–" Hang on, what is this?! No– calma, what is–? Guys, for the love of god–

[Another warning appears saying "20 seconds to change"]

Pac: No!!! No! No no no! No no no! You can't do this! You can't do this here. You- you can't. You can't make me change my skin.

[A final warning appears saying "10 seconds to change"]

Pac: No– You can't, I won't take it off! I'm going to my class now, I have to go to class! This is my "studying" skin! I- I–

[Pac gets banned]

Pac: [Hits his desk]

Dono: The skinmakers in chat are crying, having heart attacks, collapsing. It's horrible, dude.

Pac: [Laughs] It's not that ugly, it's fine, it's good.

Himaru: [Long pause] ...What happened to you, man? Did you get run over?

Pac: [Laughs] Don't judge me, don't judge me! Ok? Look at- look at- look at JVNQ! He has a funny face too, but nobody says anything about it!

Himaru: No man, I'm not judging you, but– I just wor- I'm just worried! [...] Well for me, I'll be serious with you: it doesn't matter what's on the outside, ok? What matters is what's inside, got it?

Pac: Thank you. [He hugs Himaru] Do you think I'm poggers? Do you think I'm poggers? Say it.

Himaru: No Pac, it doesn't matter that you look ugly, ridiculous, like a truck reversed into you then ran you over, like someone hit you–

Milo: my god

Himaru: –like Anderson Silva crushed you in the ring– Hey, it doesn't matter! What matters is that your heart is beating.

JV: And you have a home!

Himaru: Understand? Give love to others, ok?

Pac: My god.

Milo: he was saving those insults

Himaru: And that's all, ok man? You can be at peace, ok? I won't- I won't judge you, I'll just... I'll just do one thing, man.

Pac: What are you doing?

Himaru: I'm just going to avoid eye contact, ok? But I'm still talking to you, I'm still listening, ok? I hear you.

Pac: ...I can't believe this.

[urfavcrime]

dsmp is still SO insane to me. still not completely convinced it wasn't a social experiment. it is something that can never be replicated again due to the really specific circumstances that attributed to it's creation and popularity

[tequitoclown]

[Video ID: A video of an educational board in an exhibit about the desert. The board has several buttons that play audio clips, accompanied by images. Text on the board reads: "Sounds of the Desert. Though the desert may appear still and lifeless, by listening closely you might uncover unseen activity. Guess what creates each sound."

The video pans over to a picture of a hand on a cactus, and they press the accompanying button. The audio clip exclaims "Yowch!" Before pausing and, in a deep voice, saying "Touching a cactus." The video then pans over the desert view. ./End Video ID]

[Image ID: Two replies on this post from screaming-mayday. The first one reads "Yowch!" In all caps. The second reads "touching a cactus" with a space in between each letter. ./End ID]

[thatimageoftomscott]

I've been rawdogging lateral this whole time??? They have transcripts??? I couldn't find them when I started listening and so I've been struggling

Thank you so much

yes ! they are not on spotify yet because spotify doesnt support transcripts like that apparently but they are trying to make them fix it. full transcripts are always on the lateral site and they are pretty great.

[genderqueeradrien]

ive been thinking about this scene from criminal minds a lot recently

[incense-and-iron]

Gonna be honest, I'm so fucking sick of people leaving "soUND ON!!!!! YOU NEED SOUND OMG" comments on videos. Some of us can't magically gain hearing/better hearing you know so if youre going to slap that type of comment down why don't you take the extra few seconds to at least say what the sound is. You don't even have to do a full audio transcription sometimes, just say like... idk "person is singing [song] while dancing" or "a cartoon like bonk noise happens". Leaving a useless comment that sound is "needed" doesn't help those of us who can't process (to any degree or at all) sound in the first place.

[contemplatingoutlander]

“The American people did not fall for the Left’s fear mongering over January 6th.”

--Karoline Leavitt, incoming Trump WH press secretary

What began as a strained attempt to absolve Mr. Trump of responsibility for Jan. 6 gradually took hold, as his allies in Congress and the media played down the attack and redirected blame to left-wing plants, Democrats and even the government. Violent rioters — prosecuted, convicted and imprisoned — somehow became patriotic martyrs. [...] But with his return to office, Mr. Trump now has the platform to further rinse and spin the Capitol attack into what he has called “a day of love.” He has vowed to pardon rioters in the first hour of his new administration, while his congressional supporters are pushing for criminal charges against those who investigated his actions on that chaotic day.

Trump and the GOP have worked hard to rewrite what we all witnessed with our own eyes. In order to exonerate Trump, they have lied, spread half-truths, or taken isolated bits of information out of context. But the facts do NOT support the GOP's disinformation campaign.

We must never forget what happened.

We must remember the calls to "Bring out Pence!" and "Hang Mike Pence!" after the mob erected a gallows.

We must remember that Trump further incited the anger of the rioters (after the mob entered the Capitol) with a tweet accusing Pence of lacking “courage.”*

We must remember that about 60 seconds after Trump tweeted about Pence, rioters entered the Crypt, just underneath the floor where Pence and his family were hiding. The mob was eventually only about 40 feet away from Pence.

We must remember that what happened next for Pence and his family was hours of fear.

We must remember that many of the insurrectionists were armed.

A "Mother Jones" investigation of public video footage and documents from dozens of federal criminal investigations reveals various trump supporters who went to the capitol that day armed for battle.

Not only with hockey sticks flagpoles, baseball bats, and bear spray, but also with tasers, knives, and guns.

Finally, we must remember that despite advisors' pleas, Trump did nothing to stop what was happening for quite some time--because he thought that Mike Pence, quote, "deserves it."

LIZ CHENEY (June 9, 2022): You will hear testimony that, quote, “the president did not really want to put anything out” calling off the riot or asking his supporters to leave. You will hear that President Trump was yelling and, quote, “really angry” at advisers who told him he needed to be doing something more. And, aware of the rioters' chants to “hang Mike Pence,” the president responded with this sentiment: quote, “Maybe our supporters have the right idea,” Mike Pence, quote, “deserves it."

To me it's SURREAL that Trump and the GOP have succeeded in convincing millions of Americans that their alternate reality version of Jan. 6th was true--and that Trump might have the power as president to actually turn his alternative reality version into "history."

__________________ Video & image sources for my gifs (before edits): gif 01 (aa + bb), gif 02, gif 03, gif 04, gif 05 (cc + dd + ee), gifs 06 & 07, and gif/manipulated image 08 (ff +  gg) Liz Cheney video source & transcript sources (hh + ii + jj)

[annabelle--cane]

it's fascinating to me the way that different social media platforms result in different types of fandom behavior. while s5 of tma was airing, I spent a good amount of time on tma tiktok (I log back in about once every two months now, going back to in-person school after a year a half of lockdown seem to re-blanace my brain and made me once again not really enjoy the format) while still using tumblr as my main socmed, and while there was a lot of overlap in the fan culture, some things were notably different.

tumblr tma fans had near-encyclopedic knowledge of the source material, but it was kind of an ongoing joke for tiktok tma fans that everyone binged the whole show in a week-long fugue state and lost memory of about 35% of it. tumblr has virtually no character limit and allows posts to be passed around by users indefinitely, which lends itself to fairly in-depth meta analysis being made and shared until most any fan could say "the time and space discrepancies at hill top road? psh yeah, I know all about them, I've read seven scrupulously cited posts that lay out all the details." for the entire time that s5 was airing, tiktok videos could still only be a minute long, and I know from a lot of personal effort that there's only so much you can fit into a one minute script that you also have to memorize and record (and cc manually with tiktok text stickers, as they didn't add the caption feature until april 2021) if you want the process to take less than four hours of your one mortal human life. and then you only see the video if your following or fyp algorithm shows it to you. there were a few tma meta-ish videos that got popular because other people would make their own videos referencing them and tag the account so their followers could see what they were talking about, but it's much harder to circulate content you like there. several times I saw people post videos saying "I got into cosplay to film some [agnes or annabelle or gerry or another secondary character] and I just realized I have no idea what their deal actually is 💀".

a thing that tiktok tma fandom was definitely better at than tumblr tma fandom was accurately remembering certain pieces of characterization and the flow of certain scenes. I've seen a bunch of posts on here where someone is trying to argue a point with excerpts from the text ("x character is nicer than you all give them credit for" "x character is so mean to y character in this scene" "z theory can't be true because y character said a line that disproves it") where the argument only holds up because the poster has gotten these excerpts from a transcript dive and hasn't listened to the episodes they're from recently, because while the text alone can be construed to mean one thing, the way it's delivered on-podcast clearly intends another. tiktok, being an audio and video based medium, allows audio clips to be shared around a lot, and cosplayers would often all make videos acting along to the same show clips of juicy interpersonal drama, and so tiktok fans, though they may have had less overall memory of what characters said, always had a better grasp on how they said it. an average tiktok tma fan might not have remembered melanie's subplot about war ghosts, but they would know the nuances of how the way she talks to jon changes between mag 28 and mag 155.

[megabuild]

hey megabuild can you elaborate on the complicated feelings re: bdubs apologizing to tango thing because I too have feelings about it that are complicated and i either need you to confirm I'm insane, confirm I'm not insane or make my insanity feel more enabled

(cracks my knuckles loudly and uncomfortably) the number one c!bdubs defender has logged on for another take hated by all

i think the most key thing to take away from this interaction is not that bdubs is being manipulative and dishonest but that it very clearly lays out the main issues with tuff guys' ability to function, that is, they all have different goals and ideals of what an alliance should function as, but also they have far too much baggage and history that they are all either unable to or unwilling to move on from.

looking at this conversation and taking it at face value- that is, bdubs went in with the intent to manipulate and lie, and then immediately caved when called out- is extremely uncharitable at best when similar behaviours from other players (such as scar) is often handwaved away as them playing the game correctly or exhibiting trauma responses. why these players are afforded such leniency while bdubs never is.. well, that's simply a mystery because i can't think of anything that immediately and obviously might set bdubs aside from the majority of his peers (hint: there is.). this coupled with the fact that bdubs has spent the first two sessions making genuine, if extremely flawed attempts at communication and problem-solving (see: horse discourse, which DID actually work though only after etho defused and approached it on his own terms, and the formation of tuff guys, which is an extremely flawed plot but also tackles the main issues at the core of the alliance- etho's commitment issues, tango's fear of betrayal, and bdubs' reputation) and i find it extremely difficult to believe that this conversation is entirely made up to gain some sort of leverage, because by saying that one must imply that retroactively both of those prior conversations were also probably in part manipulation- at which point we're painting bdubs as a multi-session plotting mastermind and that's just not who he is.

reading over the transcript there's a few key points that i think are really important-

bdubs comments that he's truly apologising, because he apologises in last life (poorly, but still) right after the matter, saying "he's sorry, but he had to". not in any way justifying his treatment of tango in last life, because moments before he also calls him fodder, but this gives us some insight into what bdubs is thinking- that is, it is likely he DOES feel genuinely bad about tango, or at least is able to acknowledge that they need to resolve their prior conflicts if they have any hope of succeeding. otherwise, there is little point in bringing such conflict to the forefront of tango's mind; that's manipulating him in the wrong direction by reminding him of his past traumas and giving him more ammo against bdubs. strategically i cannot understand why he would do this (outside of from a creator standpoint having more drama to mess with, because cc!bdubs is known for this, but if i get into the very murky territory between cc and c here it'll stretch everything out a million miles longer).

bdubs also barely gets a chance to defend himself after his initial apology is not accepted- tango is the one who builds up a "self reflection hole", both immediately dismiss it as manipulation (they are the first ones to suggest this, not bdubs!), and they pick on small tells such as him not having his head down and smiling as proof that he isn't genuine. indeed, when bdubs goes into the hole he asks them to come up with a plan since he won't be leading them, and tango openly laughs at them, signalling to Me that there was never any chance of genuine communication; tango has already made his mind up from the get-go that this is bdubs fucking with him and is unwilling to take it any further. (the phrase "i'm not going to perform my rock bottom for you for the sake of being believed" comes to mind.) it's only after this sentiment is echoed (more unsurely) by etho that bdubs gives up. at no point does bdubs add anything of his own to the conversation past this, he only agrees with what tango and etho are saying about him. with his attempt at communication having failed he defers to "yes and"-ing all the negative things they are saying about him. when bdubs has just spent most of secret life imo proving that he doesn't need to be dependent on others after being dismissed as such for multiple seasons, i think that immediate rejection of his independence and ability to stand up for himself must sting, a lot.

I know they're his teammates but jesus christ he could not have picked worse people to do this with. every character can be assumed to be extremely traumatised as is the nature of the game but etho and tango both have severe issues with communication and trust, both of which stem in part from bdubs' actions in last life (which again, i will defend him to the grave but that was fucking insane of him.) tango on the whole, however, is a character to me defined by his bitterness, especially in WL where he's acting out and being openly cruel to others (which given his previous experiences is honestly understandable). his immediate dismissal of bdubs is exactly what i would have expected of him given everything right now. meanwhile, etho is more cautious and unsure, only committing once he has tango's backing, because despite his issues with bdubs he has more reason to believe him (see: horse discourse once again) and also he's just extremely insecure. go girl.

little to say on this point but the bravado he exhibits after being dismissed also to me reads in line with other bdubs moments where he's putting on a show- he isn't gloating about pulling the wool over their eyes or laughing about how quickly he was found out, he's just.. bigging himself up for the sake of it? i don't know exactly how to word this point but i hope you understand.

tl:dr; i don't think bdubs is intentionally trying to manipulate people here, though i also don't think his timing and choice of apology was especially well-thought out; he's making a lot of attempts at genuine communication this season, for better or for worse, but it's coming from a place of recognising the necessity for it if he wants to get anywhere rather than a sign of genuine emotional growth. and while i wish they could have heard him out i do not fault etho or tango even for a second for assuming it was a ploy.

[jokeroutsubs]

ENG SUB: JokerOutSubs x RADIOaktivno collab: Joker Out – Šta bih ja

Audio + CC link here

We want to thank once again Boštjan Najžar from RADIOaktivno podcast (Facebook, YouTube), for collaborating with us for a third time. We’ve previously worked with him on the English subtitles for the 'Umazane misli' album presentation and 'Demoni' album presentation. Please check them out, if you haven’t seen them yet.

We’d also like to extend our sincere gratitude for the shout out during the interview! Acknowledgements of our hard work and positive comments like this keep us going, and the whole team was so pleasantly surprised! It is very much appreciated!

Credits: Transcript and translation by @kurooscoffee and an anonymous member of JokerOutSubs, proof read by IG GBoleyn123, captions by @kurooscoffee and X pastellibianchi.

Transcript below the cut👇

Host: Bojan from Joker Out is with me. Hi.

Bojan: Hi, hi!

New songs are slowly trickling towards completion, or not?

Bojan: Let's say 'slowly trickling', is a very good expression, yes.

So is the creative process also slower because of all your other occupations or not?

Bojan: Yeah, these concerts are a bit of a distraction, the heat outside certainly doesn't have the best effect on working before four or five in the afternoon, so the pace isn't the fastest, but I still think that it's the right one for this moment.

And if you also look at last year, would you say it was a great year?

Bojan: Yeah, that year was… Really, to say dreamlike would be an understatement, because even when we were dreaming, we couldn't have imagined that, so, truly unbelievable.

After all, 'Carpe Diem' was the most played Slovenian song?

Bojan: Yeah, yeah. It's true.

And then there's the golden record in Finland.

Bojan: Yeah, we never imagined that we'd get a golden record in Finland before we got it in Slovenia, but here you go, anything can happen.

And you have also literally taken Slovene around the world.

Bojan: We have, yes. Which is a very interesting phenomenon, that can't be fully grasped either by the locals in the places that we visit, nor by us, but it's beautiful and very magical to come to a new place every time and to hear the people, whom you actually can't differentiate, while they're in the crowd, from the Slovenian audience, in terms of singing.

The 'See You Soon' tour is also behind you. That was an actual, real, tour. How did you experience all this?

Bojan: Yeah, now we've actually experienced this, let's say, a tour as we imagined it from music documentaries and films from abroad and I have to say that it was a really good mixture of intensity and pleasure. We went into all of it, I'd say, quite maturely and professionally, so that we could make it through all the concerts healthy, and get one hundred percent out of ourselves at each location. So it'll forever be one of those very, very, very beautiful memories.

I guess it all requires quite a bit of physical fitness as well?

Bojan: Yeah, which, honestly, I'll speak for myself, I don't have, but cardio at concerts somehow meets at least the basic needs.

But it looks different on stage. You're always in good shape there, when I see the various clips online.

Bojan: Yes, exactly! I'm somewhat in shape on stage, but offstage, (laughs) unfortunately, not so much.

You've already played new songs on the tour and one of them has now become a single. It's the song 'Šta bih ja'.

Bojan: Mhm.

This time in Serbian.

Bojan: Yeah. 'Šta bih ja' was basically the first song that we did in London, when we went to make music for the third studio album and somehow, already in the rehearsal space, it suited the band the most. And the first time we played it live, it was apparently also very well… it had a very good response from the audience and we stuck to the song and we recorded it in the studio as the first one and released it as the first single, because it was kind of expected by the fans.

Considering the activities that you all have in the band, or that you have yourself, then you don't have either a house or an address?

Bojan: Unfortunately, no. (laughs)

In that case, maybe you prefer to offer or give out hotel addresses to everyone?

Bojan: Yeah, yeah. You could find a lot of hotel addresses because we've tried out plenty this year.

There's also an animated video that accompanies the song?

Bojan: Yes, the music video is… actually the work of one of our fans. On his Instagram profile, for each of our songs, he posted 15- to 20-second video animations which we always thought were, I'd say, original, different, and we decided that we wanted to do something different for this one and something that we haven't tried before, so we contacted our friend and asked him if he could make a music video. Fortunately, he responded with a positive answer, so we are very satisfied with how this came out. And again, involving the fans in our work somehow completes the picture and gives it an overall conclusion.

You mentioned earlier, Bojan, that you're preparing a new album, when can we expect it?

Bojan: You can expect it, let's say, by the end of October at the latest, I hope, and if not, certainly by the end of the year.

Will you be switching between languages on the album as well, Serbian, Slovenian, English?

Bojan: Absolutely, yeah. All three languages. will be present on the album.

When will there be a song from you in Finnish? Considering the fact that you did pretty well with Finnish?

Bojan: Oh! It's not in the plans as of yet, but I'd say that if things continue developing the way they are at the moment, something like that could happen very quickly, yes.

Because Käärijä's latest single is also a collab, or rather, a 'featuring', if I remember correctly. It was released not long ago.

Bojan: Yeah, yeah, yeah! He recorded the latest collab with Joost Klein, a Dutch musician, so, I don't know, well, maybe, like I'm saying, there may be some kind of a collaboration, or even an independent Finnish project in the future.

We'll say more when the album comes out, so we don't break the tradition.

Bojan: Right

By the way, the two interviews that we've done (T/N: 'Umazane misli' & 'Demoni' album presentations), have already been translated into English by a team that also works for you, or rather supports you.

Bojan: That's right, JokerOutSubs, who diligently review the materials about us on a daily basis, as they come out, and translate them into English and many other languages, so one huge huge hello to them, and a big thank you.

As I said, the song 'Šta bih ja' is now released. When is 'Bluza' coming?

Bojan: 'Bluza' is coming in the near future, but to be completely honest, I have no idea when we're planning to release it.

But now, on the air, we'll hear the recent one, 'Šta bih ja'. Bojan, šta bih ja radio? ('Bojan, what would I do?')

Bojan: Šta bih ja u ovoj crnoj noći bez tebe radio? ('What would I do in this black night without you?')

ŠTA BIH JA

Everyone: We are Joker Out!

Bojan: And you're listening to RADIOaktivno.

[laxmiree]

[CN] MLQC Lucien’s Sinking and Floating in Indulgence MQ translation + video with sub EN (Part 1/3)

⚠️ SPOILER ALERT!! ⚠️

This post contains a detailed spoiler for an MQ that has not been released in EN yet! Feel free to notify me if there are any mistakes in the translation~

Sinking and Floating in Indulgence MQ | Part 1 (1-3) | Part 2 (4-5) | Part 3 (6) | 🔞Secret Space ASMR🔞

[Warning]: The content of this MQ is explicit and may not be suitable for individuals under the age of 17 (CN server). It is recommended that those who do not meet this age requirement refrain from proceeding beyond this point.

cw: trauma, injury, near-death experience, (mutual) confinement, arguably justified drug use, intimacy as a coping mechanism for PTSD, consent is implied rather than stated. Please proceed with caution and avoid reading if these topics may be distressing or uncomfortable for you.

Special thanks to ivi (@ivioivioivi on twitter) for helping me with the translation of this date~

[Subbed Video, TURN ON CC!]

✂———————–

[Transcript Ver]

—[Part 1]—

I feel like I'm going to die.

The world is spinning, and the sudden sense of weightlessness crushes my heart as if it could burst at any moment.

I cross my hands and press my head tightly against the back of the seat. The oxygen mask on my face inflates and deflates with my rapid breathing, and white mist engulfs the breathing bag in the blink of an eye.

Captain: Our plane has encountered an unexpected situation during the flight...

Captain: Please fasten your seatbelts... Do not panic...

The hoarse announcements, deafening roars, and helpless cries collide chaotically, pulling me into a state of bewildered despair.

…Am I going to die here?

A figure appears before my eyes, and amidst the violent turbulence, his face seems to grow increasingly blurred.

Several pieces of luggage crash from above, hitting my shoulders and completely shattering all my thoughts.

The scenery outside the porthole speeds past in reverse, with raging flames and thick black smoke seemingly burning wildly in my eyes, leaving only silent pleas and prayers.

??: Buddha, please protect us...

??: No...

As an invisible huge wall slams into me, the air in my lungs feels as if it’s being forcibly squeezed out. Amid the piercing roar, my consciousness is gradually torn and pulled away.

MC: Lucien…

=Meanwhile in another place=

Deep beneath the surface, bright light illuminates the rough concrete walls and rows of metal instruments. Several blonde researchers move back and forth through the somewhat modest laboratory.

Lucien stands in front of the second-floor platform, calmly looking down without revealing any emotion.

A foreign gentleman stands beside him, his profound green eyes gleaming sharply as he raises his palm.

??: Doctor X, I didn’t expect our formal meeting to occur at such a chaotic moment.

Lucien: Indeed, it is a bit unexpected.

Lucien: However, to smoothly avoid the turmoil in such a short time and maintain such a well-equipped research environment...

Lucien pauses, his narrow eyes showing a faint smile devoid of warmth.

Lucien: It seems that aside from research, Professor Holden also holds considerable authority in other areas.

Holden: Professor Lucien, if you want to stay in such a volatile place, you must be well-prepared.

Holden: Risks and rewards always go hand in hand.

Lucien: In that case, I think we can further accelerate the pace of the experiment to minimize the risk.

Lucien: I don’t intend to let meaningless disruptions become the key turning points of the past several months I’ve worked on.

A silent tension faintly brews. Feeling a slight sense of pressure, Holden raises an eyebrow and places one hand on the railing in front of him.

Holden: I’m just as eager as you are, Professor.

Holden: But in these chaotic times, there are always accidents.*

As if in response to his words, a barely perceptible hum comes from above. The ceiling trembles slightly, shedding a shower of fine gravel.

But everyone present seems accustomed to it, continuing their work unfazed.

Lucien also looks up without surprise, gazing into the distance.

Lucien: Accidents are meant to be controlled and enjoyed.

Lucien: Chaos will ultimately become the catalyst for new discoveries, and that’s why I chose to work with you in the first place.

As he speaks, he turns and walks away. Just as he steps into the open elevator, a voice calls out with a laugh from behind.

Holden: With Professor Lucien joining us, I suppose we should indeed be more confident.

Lucien doesn’t respond. With a loud rumble, the old elevator doors slowly closed behind him.

The sound of metal grinding outside the elevator continues to roar persistently, like the distant echoes of endless artillery fire.

The fading afternoon sunlight streams in from outside as the elevator doors open.

Three days have passed since the meeting with Professor Holden.

The lab operates around the clock, almost pushing time to its limit, but the results are still not ideal.

Just as Lucien expected.

He extends his fingertip, verifying one fingerprint scan after another, before stepping out of the unassuming old factory.

The scent of gunpowder constantly assaults his nostrils. Scattered armed personnel stand guard in front of barbed wire fences among the crumbling ruins on both sides.

Lucien walks steadfastly through this land where turmoil is the norm. Only when he passes a corner does he finally stop and take out his phone.

The signal bars silently returned to full. While waiting, he looks up at the sky not far away.

A vast expanse of dark clouds churns and burns fiercely. Soon, the phone in his palm vibrates.

Lucien opens the message box and sees a text from the girl six hours ago, informing him of her boarding.

She is on a private plane back with several film industry executives. He instinctively calculates her estimated arrival time in Loveland City—

She will land in about four hours. His expression softens unconsciously, and a hint of a smile appears at the corner of his lips.

Lucien's Message: Miss Producer, you must be tired from your business trip. Thinking about how you'll be home soon… I feel a little lonely too.

Lucien's Message: Looks like I want to wrap up my work early so I can get home sooner to see you.

Pressing the send button, he hears an increasingly loud whirring sound that continues to fill the air.

Lucien looks up again. In the distance, a small passenger plane makes a sharp turn and plummets, veering at an unusual trajectory. Thick black smoke billows from its right wing.

A fighter jet closes in from behind as the passenger plane plunges into the distance, skimming beneath the low-hanging clouds.

In an instant, it merges with the smoke.

He watches calmly, then looks down to confirm that his message has been sent successfully before turning to leave.

The dust floats in the wind and settles on his shoulder.

In a world where people depart at any moment, he simply reaches out to brush off the dust before walking away in the direction he came from.

✂———————–

[T/N]

*: 意外 (yìwài) is the keyword of this date. It refers to something unforeseen, whether a surprising event or an unfortunate incident. This word generally means "unexpected" or "accident." But to keep the repetition intact and considering how, more often than not, it carries a slightly negative connotation of things going wrong, I choose to only use "accident" to translate the word throughout the whole date.

✂———————–

—[Part 2]— Video Timestamp: [04:02]

Plop—

Hearing the abrupt noise, I immediately press myself against the wall, shaking as I tighten my grip on the scalpel in my hand.

In my narrow field of vision, a hunched old woman passes by the intersection.

Her figure is shrouded in gray, and with each unsteady step, a patch of nearly black bloodstain on her back comes into view, sending a violent shudder through me.

I finally realize that I haven’t truly escaped death—

I’ve merely fallen from one desperate situation into another.

Three hours ago.

Co-Pilot: We are currently unable to determine the captain’s physical and mental condition...

Co-Pilot: Amid the chaos, the aircraft veered off its autopilot route and entered the airspace of a conflict zone, where it encountered a warning attack...

Co-Pilot: Although we managed to make an emergency landing, the current situation remains unclear...

Co-Pilot: We will continue to do everything possible to contact the airline and relevant authorities.

In a crude medical shelter, with his right arm wrapped in a rough bandage, the co-pilot speaks heavily.

Several fellow passengers frown, wanting to say something, but in the end, it turns into a few muttered curses.

Faced with the absent-minded captain, he almost single-handedly managed to execute an emergency landing in the woods.

He then proceeded to provide emergency bandages to the more seriously injured passengers in an orderly manner.

With the communication equipment failing, he relies on his memory of the flight path before the crash, leading the group toward a possible inhabited area.

It wasn’t until dark that we finally found a rundown bungalow on the city's outskirts, flying a Red Cross flag, where we fortunately received temporary assistance.

Everything feels like some kind of miracle in the midst of immense misfortune.

Co-Pilot: I suggest we stay here for now. This place is relatively safe and on the other hand...

Co-Pilot: We have several seriously injured passengers who can’t be easily moved.

Passenger: Can’t we ask them to go somewhere with a signal and contact the embassy for us?

As the words are spoken, the rushing wind carries a pungent scent of blood. They speak anxiously in a language we don't understand, pushing a surgical trolley as they rush into the building.

They already have their hands full with the constant influx of injured people.

No one speaks again, and I lower my head as well.

By great fortune, I’ve survived the disaster.

Gratitude and trance consume me at the same time. At this moment, I don’t even know how much time has passed—it feels like time has frozen into a blurry black mass.

Will Lucien know that something has happened to me?

Will my flight make the news as a ghost flight? Will he see the reports saying my fate is unknown?

I bite my lips tightly, trying to force my muddled mind to think, but my eyes slowly grow wet.

I can’t even imagine what Lucien would look like at that moment, but I know very well that staying here is the safest and most responsible choice for both him and me.

...I must survive.

✂———————–

Boom—The distant sound of what seems to be a collapse suddenly pulls me back to reality.

We’ve underestimated the level of chaos here; accidents can happen at any moment.

The conflict has reached the camp, and in the urgent evacuation, there’s only a loud noise left in the world.

When I come to my senses, I find myself alone, with nothing but a rust-covered scalpel that I don’t even remember holding.

The streets are even more desolate after dark, and I force myself to stay alert almost instinctively.

What should I do? How can I survive?

Only deathly silence answers me.

I clench my hand repeatedly, trying to force myself to stop trembling, but it’s no use.

Suddenly, a click sounds from behind me, and a cold sweat instantly soaks my skin.

Someone has appeared behind me, stepping on shards of glass.

I tremble so much that I can barely breathe, forcing myself to silently hide the scalpel in my sleeve. Turning around, I raise both hands to show that I mean no harm.

What comes into view is a pair of black leather shoes covered in ashes, yet there’s not a single crease or scuff on them.

They are not combat boots, nor do they bear any traces of blood, which makes me breathe a sudden and grateful sigh of relief.

Perhaps someone from the medical team has found me. With that thought in mind, I lift my head, only to find myself staring into a pair of familiar eyes.

Those dark, indifferent eyes seem to contract intensely the moment they see me.

The world suddenly loses all sound, and on the eerily empty street, Lucien stands across from me.

MC: ….

I don’t dare to move, not even to blink.

It feels like a grand hallucination on the verge of collapse, one that’s ready to burst like a bubble the moment I move.

My blurred vision makes his face even more indistinct, and that figure also seems to walk toward me in a daze.

He, too, seems to hold his breath. His steps gradually quicken, stirring the hem of his coat and the dust in the air until he stops right in front of me.

His chest seems to tremble uncontrollably, and his slightly shaking fingertips fall upon my face. Cold. Undeniably real.

Lucien: …MC?

His low, hoarse voice feels both near and distant, leaving me dazed as I gaze at him, feeling his uneasy yet fearful touch brush against my cheek.

MC: …Lucien, is it really… you?

MC: Am I… going insane?

Lucien: [his shaky breath as he speaks༼⁠;⁠´⁠༎ຶ⁠ ⁠۝ ⁠༎ຶ⁠༽] …Fool, how could I… be just your hallucination?

He lifts my hand and brushes it against his cheek as if confirming*.

The cold, dry sensation spreads through my fingertips, and just like that, the tension that had been stretched to its limit finally snaps.

MC: Lucien…..

MC: Lucien… I’m… so scared…

I don’t know how I appear in his eyes at this moment. All I want is to hold him tightly. To be held tightly by him.

His unbearably tight embrace brings pain, but it’s the reality I desperately need right now.

This man who has always been effortlessly composed now seems to have lost all sense of restraint.

Lucien: [still shakily gasping] …It’s okay.

Lucien: It’s okay now… MC.

He murmurs the words over and over, I don’t even know if he’s saying them for me or for himself.

Lucien: I’m here…

Lucien: I'm right here by your side... Don't be afraid...

The head resting against my shoulder feels so, so heavy as if something even weightier has sunk into the depth of our souls along with it.

I don’t know how long I’ve been crying.

Only when I have finally let out all my emotions and lean into his embrace do I realize that I’ve arrived in a warm place—

Surrounded by irregular rock walls, the air is filled with a damp, mineral scent.

The rising steam soothes my nerves, and I tug at his collar with more ease.

MC: It's okay now, Lucien...

MC: I'm not afraid anymore...

Lucien: [in a soft, hoarse voice] I’m afraid.

His voice is so faint it feels like a figment of my imagination. I want to turn my head to look at him but find myself gently and firmly held in his embrace.

Lucien: It’s safe here. I’m staying here for now.

Peering over his shoulder, I see an open door leading to a clean bed, a few sofas, and a table.

In the corner of my vision, a gray toothbrush rests inside a glass cup, and the razor I gave him is neatly placed.

I freeze for a moment, feeling like something is off.

MC: Didn’t you say you were on a business trip…?

Lucien: I am, and I’ve indeed been staying here for a few days.

Lucien: I know you must have a lot of questions. To be honest, so do I.

Lucien: But right now… there’s something even more important to me.

Following his lowered gaze, I see the dirt covering me and my tattered clothes, torn in places I don’t know.

My drooping strands of hair are covered in dust, resting against Lucien’s clean shirt.

MC: I got your shirt dirty.

Lucien: ...Stop saying such silly things.

He gently pecks the space between my brows, his fingertips naturally undoing the loosened buttons on my clothes.

MC: Lu—!

Lucien: Shh….

His lips move downward, pressing insistently against the corner of mine.

Though very light, it is filled with an undeniable firmness.

Lucien: [gasps breathlessly] Don’t push me away.

Lucien: [X2] I also need to confirm that you're really here with me.

Lucien: [X3] Let me help you… okay?

It isn’t really a question. His voice lingers at the edge of my lips, flowing with his breath, making my head feel light and dazed. Instinctively, I nod at him.

His fingers move slowly yet deftly. Bit by bit, patches of deep bruises become more visible.

His warmth spreads through me faster than the cold.

I’m too embarrassed to look at him, so I bury my face deep into his chest instead. I feel him scoop me up in his arms and carefully lower me into the bathtub’s warm water.

The sudden heat stings me, jolting me awake as I grab Lucien’s wrist.

MC: Wait, the other passengers I was with, because of the conflict, they’re now…

Lucien: Don’t worry, someone will take care of it.

Lucien: [whispers hoarsely] Right now, only you matter the most to me.

There seems to be something growing wildly beneath his calm gaze. He subtly and seamlessly intertwines his fingers with mine, gently submerging my body into the water.

The deep and shallow bruises appear even more striking in the clear water. A dull ache seeps into the water, causing a small, instinctive sigh to spill from my lips.

Lucien: Relax.

He applies slight pressure, gently prying apart my fingers that are curled around my knees. Carefully avoiding the bruises on my thighs, his hand presses downward.

MC: [moans] L-lucien…

Lucien: [whispers hoarsely] I just want to help you relax a little more.

Lucien: [gently] At least for this moment, be a good girl... okay?

Another question that isn’t really a question.

I can’t get a single word out**, so I can only bite my lower lip, watching as he kneels by the bathtub, a soft towel in his hand, lightly stroking over my arm.

Lucien: Does it hurt?

His low, hoarse voice is caught in his throat as if suppressing something before finally smoothing into a calm steadiness.

MC: …A little.

Lucien: [chuckles, then whispers softly] Then I’ll be gentler.

His gentle, unhurried touch warms one arm before moving to the other. Then, it follows the top of my foot, slowly moving upward.

As he leans down, his large shadow envelops my whole body, and I instinctively tremble with each faint mark he leaves behind.

Something seems to be stirring madly in his calm gaze, suppressed within his silence, driving him to confirm me even more deeply and intimately.

I feel as if I’m sinking into the warm water, yet also weightlessly floating with it, my hands instinctively clutching the fabric at his chest tightly.

Lucien: [HOLY THE BREATHLESSNESS AND SUDDEN URGENCY?] …bear with it a little longer… wait for me...

As if to soothe, his even more scorching lips descend, teasingly hooking and coaxing my lips and tongue, relentlessly drawing me in.

At some point, his entire body has also become drenched, his drooping bangs soaked with water, revealing those unfathomably profound eyes.

Lucien: [whispers hoarsely] I'll help you get rid of all the pain.

✂———————–

[T/N]

*: the wording in Chinese is ambiguous; it could mean either that he is making sure she’s not his hallucination or that he’s reassuring her that he’s real :") and this ambiguousness HURTS bc you know that he also has the same fear as her (this will be expanded more later on memory silhouette). This guy really said, "…Fool, how could I… be just your hallucination?" yet he’s in disbelief himself that she’s real and I’m just SOB-

**: 说不出任何话 literally means "can't say any words at all." However, the nuance is deeper than just the inability to speak. It can imply being so overwhelmed by emotions (orcoughpleasurecough) that speaking becomes impossible. Besides being overwhelmed, it’s also often used when somebody wants to say something but physically/emotionally just cannot.

✂———————–

—[Part 2]— Video Timestamp: [10:36]

Even when carried to the bed, my whole body still feels light and weightless.

An oversized shirt is put over me, its scent different from the dense smell of gunpowder as it carries the light freshness of grass that I’m familiar with.

Lucien casually changes into fresh clothes, grabs a few towels, then pulls me into his arms and smooths back my damp hair.

MC: …How about I do it myself?

MC: It’s inconvenient for you like this, and it’ll just get your clothes wet again.

Lucien: But it seems my hands can’t let go of you… they need your warmth even more.

His gentle yet firm fingertips stroke the back of my neck, resting the side of my forehead against his shoulder. His legs settle on either side of me, enclosing me within his territory.

The world is enveloped in tranquility, with only the rustling sound of a towel rubbing against damp hair remaining.

MC: It must be pretty inconvenient for you here too, there’s not even a hairdryer.

Lucien: Don’t worry, the equipment here is a bit more complete than you think.

His low voice brushes past my ear, making me look up in confusion.

MC: Then why do you…

Lucien: Sound of the hairdryer would make you uncomfortable, so this will do.

I freeze for a moment. That trace of distant rumble and roar still seems to be howling, yet at this moment, they appear to settle into a quiet stillness within his deep eyes.

Only now do I notice more clearly that he seems to be slowing down his breathing as if he's cradling something fragile.

MC: …Do I look like a total mess?

Lucien: How could that be? To me, I never would have imagined that in a place as desolate and ruined as this…

Lucien: I could still be lucky enough to encounter such a beautiful and resilient color.

Lucien: Even though I never wanted you to be here.

Lucien: I can’t help but wonder… if I hadn’t stepped out the door today if I hadn’t turned left...

His words come to an abrupt halt, followed quickly by a faint chuckle that carries a touch of self-mockery.

Like a staunch materialist*, yet hesitating over irrational ‘what ifs’.

The rhythmic beating of his heart echoes in my ears, but that subtle, unintentional quickening of its pace seems to take on another name—

It’s called ‘lingering fear’**.

The arm holding me seems to tighten in the next moment, and I can’t help but clutch the front of his shirt, burrowing myself even deeper into his embrace.

Lucien: Right now, I’m already by your side.

Lucien: I’ll take responsibility for driving away all those unpleasant things lingering in your brain.

MC: Really?

Lucien smiles lightly, and the tension in his brows and eyes finally eases slightly.

Lucien: [chuckles] As a brain scientist, it would be difficult for me to lie to you about this.

Seeing him feign seriousness while explaining, I can’t hide my laughter at his dry joke.

MC: Lucien, let me tell you about my brush with death.

MC: Maybe facing it head-on will make it less frightening.

Lucien doesn’t speak for a moment, only silently changing to a new towel.

I rarely see him like this, so I can’t resist reaching out and gently smooth the furrow between his brows.

MC: [worriedly] Do you want to hear it?

Lucien: …Perhaps, the one who is more afraid is me.

He closes his eyes, presses a light kiss to my fingertips, and finally looks at me with an even deeper calm.

Lucien: I’ll do my best to hold back the ache in my heart and listen carefully.

MC: Lucien, you’re just as much a fool as I am.

Lucien: [genuinely] You're probably the only person in the world who would praise me like that.

In his tender, lingering kisses, I finally steady my mind.

MC: Actually, I still don’t have a clear understanding of what exactly happened during that time.

MC: I only heard the co-pilot say that the captain suddenly had some kind of mental issue…?

MC: Later, our plane accidentally entered a no-fly zone, was threatened, and ultimately had to make an emergency landing.

Lucien's breathing seems to have stagnated for a moment, and his eyes droop slightly.

Lucien: Your plane… Did the right wing get hit?

MC: Hmm? It seems... to be true?

MC: I was sitting on the plane's right side at the time, and all I could see was black smoke. But I was so scared then that I couldn't really tell...

Recalling that scene, I still instinctively curl up in lingering fear, not noticing the way his eyes suddenly contract sharply.

MC: But luckily, everyone was safe. We just kept walking and were rescued by a local civilian medical organization.

MC: But the scene was too chaotic. Later, the gathering site was also affected, and I got separated from the main group during the evacuation.

I pause, looking into his eyes with mixed emotions.

MC: And then I met you.

MC: …All of this is just too unbelievable.

MC: The accidents in this world really catch people completely off guard. I feel like I’ve had the worst luck… but at the same time, I also seem exceptionally fortunate.

Lucien: ….

He falls silent again, it's unclear what he is thinking.

I don’t know how much time has passed. After ensuring my hair has been completely dried, he casually throws the damp towels aside.

The world suddenly quiets down, and Lucien wordlessly raises his hand, his fingertips gently brushing over the bruises on my body.

As our skin touches, a slight itch ripples through my skin, accompanied by an extremely faint pain sensation.

Thinking of his confirmation in the bathtub not long ago, I can’t help but feel my face grow slightly warm again.

I lift my head and kiss the corner of his lips, lingering until our breaths intertwine, then smile and wink at him.

MC: [smiles softly] Don’t worry. With you here, I already feel much better.

MC: When I get up tomorrow, I’ll definitely return to full strength. Then, we can…

As I speak, I suddenly stop, realizing something.

MC: Are we... still near this area?

Seeing him respond softly, my heart tightens.

MC: You said you’ve been here for a few days, so that closed-off lab you mentioned... is it here?

Lucien: Yes.

Lucien: Even though this place is far from tranquil, I have a reason that makes it necessary for me to be here.

His voice possesses a certain indifference and resolve. I gaze at him for a moment before slowly speaking.

MC: Are you doing something dangerous?

Lucien: ….

Under my gaze, Lucien remains silent for a long time, long enough that I almost think he will find some way to sidestep the topic until his low voice finally breaks the silence.

Lucien: The research institution I’m working with now is one I had contact with years ago when I first joined BS.

Lucien: They have a considerable amount of multinational projects, as well as some that can hardly be called ethical or compliant. In one way or another, some covert dealings are involved.

Lucien: All I can say is, yes. The things I’m doing are not safe.

Lucien: So I hope you don’t go anywhere and just stay by my side.

Seeing him be especially frank about his thoughts, I can’t hold back my smile.

MC: Lucien, I'm not asking about myself, I'm asking if you will be in danger.

He freezes for a moment, then smiles without the slightest hesitation.

Lucien: [totally not lying-] No, I won’t.

Lucien: I should be able to get what I want soon, so don’t worry.

He presses a light kiss to my forehead, pulls back the blanket, and wraps me in its softness.

Lucien: [chuckles] But… I think that’s enough of a bedtime story for now.

Lucien: Just like you said, I want to see you full of energy as soon as possible, smiling without any worries or strain.

Looking at his incredibly close face, I smile and lean in closer to his scent.

MC: What should I do? I’m still a little reluctant to sleep.

MC: It might be a bit late to say this now, but after so many days apart, I’ve really missed you all along.

Lucien: Me too.

Lucien: So all you need to do is close your eyes, I will always let you feel my presence and longing.

Like finally returning to the most secure and reassuring home***, I relax and close my eyes.

One after another, incomparably intimate and affectionate kisses fall upon my face and between my lips, as if scattering in tiny, delicate fragments that sink into the depths of my heart—

—until I fall into an exceedingly gentle dream.

.

.

.

When I open my eyes again, daylight is already shining brightly.

Lucien isn’t by the bed. As I get up and step out of bed, I notice that my wounds seem to have been tended once more.

MC: Lucien…?

The room is quiet. Breakfast is laid out on the table, along with a laptop and a slightly old-fashioned phone.

He hasn’t left a note, but I still smile with an unspoken understanding.

I’m just about to wash up when the phone screen suddenly lights up. A message pops up, showing Lucien’s number.

Lucien's message: Good morning MC. I’m already at the lab.

Lucien's message: I’ve arranged for someone to contact and assist the passengers who were with you, so there’s no need to worry.

Lucien's message: I’ve also informed your company that you’re safe. Work matters can be left to them for now.

Lucien's message: Get some rest, I’ll return as soon as I can.

Sunlight spills in from the balcony, and a gentle breeze brushes against my face, carrying a touch of winter’s coldness.

Yet, I don’t feel the biting cold. Instead, there’s a sense of warmth and security.

Though the scene before me remains desolate and ruined, the world feels tranquil right now, free of the terrifying tumultuous noise.

I step onto the balcony and see golden light magnanimously illuminating the earth. A small bird perches under the eaves, occasionally lowering its head to preen its feathers.

A faint wave of emotion wells up in my heart. Perhaps this place would have been entirely different if not for all the turmoil.

But what I’ve never noticed is—

—the little bird on the eaves has only one wing.

✂———————–

[T/N]

*: Materialism is a philosophical belief that only physical matter exists and that everything can be explained through the physical world and natural laws. It also can be a philosophical viewpoint that denies the existence of the spiritual world, fate, and alternative possibilities as only physical matter exists. Materialists prioritize what can be observed, measured, and tested. Lucien mocks himself for speculating about "what ifs", because it involves considering possibilities that may have no empirical grounding, which contradicts materialist core belief that only the physical matters.

**: "后怕" doesn’t refer to *just* fear, but a delayed sense of fear, a realization of how terrifying something was only after it has already passed. He has just come to the realization of how close he was to losing her forever, and it filled him with 后怕. In some contexts, it can even be directly translated into PTSD.

***: I translated it as 'home' for brevity, but the term "归处" (guīchù) is composed of two characters: "归" (guī), meaning "to return", "to belong", or "to take refuge", and "处" (chǔ), meaning "place" or "location". Together, "归处" conveys the idea of a refuge or a place where one truly belongs. For MC, Lucien is not just a home to return to, but also her 'place' of belonging, someone 'where' her heart feels at peace, much like a final destination where one finds solace and stability.

✂———————–

Part 4 & 5-> [Here]

[innuendostudios]

by a wide margin the weirdest video essay I've ever release: List of Songs that Represent "Smart Music" Ranked from Most to Least Appropriate to Put in a Video Essay

this video is sponsored by Nebula, where you can watch ad-free and (sometimes, slightly) better edited versions of my videos for 40% off an annual subscription. just follow this link.

as a quick note: YouTube has already demonetized this video, as two different corporations are claiming copyright on recordings they do not own the copyright to - both are Creative Commons recordings of public domain music, that, in one case, YouTube has misidentified as a different recording, and, in the other, YouTube has the music in its database as under copyright despite it being having been released under CC BY-SA 3.0. I am disputing these false claims and will (hopefully) get whatever money I am owed, but, for now, YouTube is not paying me a dime for this.

so it would be a bigger help than usual if you would either watch the video on Nebula or back me on Patreon.

thanks. transcript below the cut!

List of Songs That Represent “Smart Music” Ranked From Most To Least Appropriate To Put In A Video Essay (And Presented In Drill Bit Order).

1. Clair de Lune, Debussy

This has been top dog ever since the teaser for Godzilla: King of the Monsters, and cemented its position against challengers with a showcase in Everything Everywhere All at Once. Said film could have been the shark-jumping moment where the song was irretrievably lost to irony, given directors Kwan and Scheinert (Daniels)’s style mercilessly marries the aesthetics of prestige and shitpost. Yes, despite its silliness, EEAAO is achingly sincere, but could the general public be trusted to recognize that? But then it won Best Picture, so apparently yes! Beautiful, delicate, to score a film or video with Clair de Lune signals a desire to be seen not only as an intellectual, but as an aesthete. The song could lose potency if the Clair de Lune sequence were parodied enough, but how does one parody EEAAO???

9. Gymnopedie No. 1, Satie

I fear we must, as a society, and as a community of video essayists, move on from Gymnopedie No. 1. It held the title longer than, I think, any champion previous, and for that it deserves merit. But its time is over. It is, like the phrase “mad dated,” mad dated. It is saying “lmao” out loud. Did you know the original screenplay for 2005 film The Island specifically stated that, in the weird culty enclave in which the film opens, Gymnopedie No. 1 must be playing over the loudspeaker? I don’t think Michael Bay followed that directive (I’m not rewatching the movie to find out), but that is how long this was the “Smart Music” song - since 5 months after YouTube launched. If you must - absolutely must - put Satie in a video essay, use Gnossienne No. 1, though it too is on its way to passe. At this point I’m prepared to say Vexations or GTFO.

2. Ave Maria, Schubert/Liszt

Nothing was certain after Satie vacated the throne, and for a while it seemed we might have a Starks vs. Baratheons situation between Schubert and Debussy. Following several appearances in pretentious YouTube videos, the Ave Maria made its strongest showing yet by scoring the opening scene of the grimdarkest Batman film so far, an entire twenty days before getting fully Lannister’d by Everything Everywhere All at Once. Unbowed, unbent, and unbroken, still she nips at the heels of the king, and may yet take his place. No one else poses a comparable threat. Hers is a curious strategy, being a religious, Christmas, and even classic Disney standard now repurposed as “Smart Music;” she gets a big boost every December, but can she take the top spot before this cyclical exposure nudges her back into a prior niche?

8. Moonlight Sonata, Beethoven

If you were in a film program in the mid-2000s, you are sick to death of Moonlight Sonata. Also if you were in a music class where you were asked to determine a song’s time signature by ear - how am I supposed to tell the difference between waltz time and 4/4 with all triplets without the sheet music in front of me? To say scoring a video with Moonlight Sonata is a hack move - you’d have to be a hack to not already know! This was the soundtrack to the blind cave salamander level of Earthworm Jim 2, there’s no coming back from that! I mean, the association with Tallarico Studios alone… It’s done. Roll over, Beethoven.

3. Cello Suite No. 1 (Prelude), Bach

This one is firmly-rooted. It is not going anywhere, both in the sense that nothing could soon push it off the list but it’s hard to imagine rising any higher. It is just slightly too beautiful, too expressive, too legato to fall into the stiffness of Habanera or the pomposity of a De Beers ad, but just close enough to them in tone to always read as a hipper alternative. So you’ll never be overexposed, but never go that long without hearing the Yo-Yo Ma version. And so here it stays, third on the podium, solid bronze, the waterbender, the Plup; with you as always is Prelude to Cello Suite No. 1. (Frankly surprised it took us this long to get to Johann, but don’t worry - he’ll be Bach.)

7. Air on the G String, Bach/Wilhelmj

Told ya. It’s not that she isn’t a beautiful piece of music, and it’s not that she already had her time. In truth, she never got her flowers. Inasmuch as she had a run, it was squished between the omnipresences of Beethoven and Satie. You’ll still hear from her now and then; she crops up, like a lucky penny. And you’ll smile, every time, but you know the stars in your eyes are not present joy, but nostalgia. A fondness for what was and what could’ve been - what should have been. Why - why couldn’t this have had the legs of Gymnopedie? I mean, even the Fucking Champs version - could that have made a run? Could TikTok pick up on it? But comes the day you have to accept - if it was gonna happen, it would’ve happened by now. Air on the G String grows weary; let her rest.

4. Duo des Fleurs, Delibes

Bit of a dark horse, this one. Didn’t exactly come out of nowhere - it’s been here the whole time - but you didn’t see it coming! It’s like that time I went snorkeling, and I wondered, “Where are the fish?” I was told there would be tropical fish, but all I saw was blue. Then I caught one flitting by my head and, as soon my eyes registered the shape, I realized they were everywhere! I just hadn’t taken them in. This is the one that makes you ask, where did I hear that before? Was this the one at the end of Margaret? No! How did it go? How do I hum dyads? But then it shows up and, oh yeah, that’s the one! The really pretty one. I knew it’d come around again. Has staying power, could make a run for the top if it sees an opening, but seemingly content, for now, to dance around the periphery, appreciated when heard if only half-remembered the next day.

6. Prelude in E Minor Op. 28 No. 4, Chopin

The bottom end of acceptability. Anything lower, you must avoid. But you can use Prelude in E. It is a risk, and it takes skill. But you can use Prelude in E. It is not for the faint of heart. This is the ending of Fez we’re talking about here. This is that one TED Talk about how everyone loves classical music they just don’t know it yet. This was all over Anatomy of a Fall. Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer something lighter? Nocturne in E-flat [Op. 9 No. 2] is very nice. Prelude has just enough penetration that some people are going to recognize it, and enough clout that those who do are going to expect things of the person who puts it in a video essay. You can’t just throw this under a rant about The Snyder Cut. But you can - with care, with effort, and with grace - use Prelude in E.

5. Spiegel im Spiegel, Part

We are not ready for Spiegel im Spiegel. The rare “Smart Music” that is, rather than classical, contemporary minimalist. This is - I have been led to believe - all over the film festival circuit. It is the go-to for aspiring arthouse directors. So I assume it is only a matter of time until it reaches general cultural awareness. But we - the YouTube video essay community - are not, at this point in time, pretentious enough to pull off Spiegel im Spiegel. This is not a statement on the song: it is a lovely, sparse, and unpretentious piece of music, which is why pretentious people are drawn to it. And we are not there yet. But I believe in us.

POSTSCRIPTUM

The List of Songs that Represent “Smart Music” is not ranked by quality; they are all, as a baseline, masterpieces. They are ordered, instead, by their possession of antipodal qualities. Beethoven’s Fifth may be a beautiful piece but it’s too well-known - to the casual listener, it reads only as “classical music.” Vltava is a beautiful piece, but it’s not recognizable enough - to most, it will read only as “music.” Pachelbel’s Canon works in too many contexts. Mozart’s Lacrimosa no longer works in any context but “Shit’s About To Go Off.” The Song that Represents “Smart Music” must balance these humors: suggestive, but not too specific; recognizable, but not overfamiliar. The kind of thing one imagines cultured people listen to, and fancies oneself cultured for having noticed it. Just popular enough to signify obscurity to a large number of people.

This impossibility of being both popular and obscure is what keeps the list in motion. Many songs drift back into obscurity before reaching the top, but, once in the primary position, a song begins its slow procession to overexposure. And when, at last, it is too popular to be niche, it does not slip to number 2; it plummets to the bottom, as did Icarus.

Due to this slow but constant movement, new songs will, at intervals, join the ranks, taking the place of those that became gauche. And if, dear listener, you were aiming to trendset, to score your next whatever-it-is-you-do with the newest Song to Represent “Smart Music,” and were I a gambling man… Bach’s Prelude in C. And I’ll tell you why: it appears in the Netflix series Bodies alongside Chopin (#6), mirroring Satie’s dual appearance in The Queen’s Gambit (#9); its arpeggiated structure makes it usable in scenarios similar to the Cello Suite (#3) (Johann did love him some broken chords); and it forms the basis of the Gounod version of Ave Maria, if you would like a Cool Person’s Alternative to Schubert (#2). You may feel I’m playing too safe, but I tell you truly: this song is due. But if I can impart one piece of wisdom let it be this: whatever you do, whoever you are, you cannot use Fur Elise. You cannot. You can’t do it. It can’t be allowed. Don’t fu-