#hate how bad the disability stuff looks from the outside like

[cozybi]

-

[sitronsangbody]

But what about health?? Fine, let’s talk about The Health. Here’s everything I think some of you should know and keep in mind when it comes to health: SOME MYTHS AND MISCONCEPTIONS: - You can’t know someone’s health just by looking at them. You just can’t. And it’s probably not any of your business. - Size is not a reliable indicator of health. There is currently no evidence that being fat in and of itself is bad for you. - Health is not a moral category. - Your body doesn’t need to be The Fittest It Could Possibly Be. What matters is where you need it to get you in life, not some theoretical physical potential. SOME STUFF NOBODY SEEMS TO GRASP: - Health is SO individual. Bodies are complex and incredibly diverse. They come with all sorts of needs and limitations and these fluctuate depending on so many inside and outside factors. We do not all need the same number of calories, the same number of steps, the same amount of rest. And we’re not all supposed to look the same. - More stuff than you probably think is genetic. - Mental health is just as important as physical health, and the two very much impact each other. - Our health is impacted by an array of societal factors beyond our individual control. - Some people will never be healthy for whatever reason, and that doesn’t make them less valuable in any way. SOME STUFF THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT HEALTHY: - Hating yourself. Fat people are constantly encouraged to fight against our weight and size, and it’s statistically a losing battle. One that wreaks havoc on our mental health. - Starving yourself and shutting out your body’s hunger cues. - Minority stress. Discrimination, marginalization and exclusion is not good for you. It impacts you both physically and mentally. In other words: shaming someone does less than nothing for their health. If you’re shaming people because “you worry about their health”, you are actively causing the kind of damage you claim you want to prevent. - Seeing doctors that don’t know enough about the body you have and how symptoms manifest in it. A very real occurrence for many black people, trans people, fat people, disabled people - the list goes on. - Not having universal health insurance SOME THINGS THAT ARE INDEED HEALTHY: - Eating regularly. Eating a variety of foods and food groups. You should find and eat food you like if possible. - Some level of movement regularly. A lot of us already get it at work et cetera. You should move in a way that you enjoy, that does not cause pain. - Staying hydrated. - Getting enough sleep. The amount will vary from person to person. - Resting when you need it. - Brushing your teeth. Wearing sunscreen. - Not overdoing it with drugs and alcohol. - Fresh air. - Being - and feeling - safe. - Love and community. - Being kind to yourself. NOTE: not everyone has access to all of this. People are busy. People are poor. People are sick. People lack accommodations they need. People live in dangerous areas. People are abused and controlled. The world around us has a huge amount of power over our health.

[ckret2]

Sama anon that sent you the ask beginning with “I always figured that Bill held disdain for Soos because…” so sorry about that last paragraph in the ask, I realize you’re not the type of author to seriously change your story or writing style because you got a long question and saw it as a Hint, I was just feeling guilty about another author whose story I think I inadvertently messed with absolutely no idea or intention. Sorry. Ignore that last bit, it was kind of uncalled-for unfaithful..

I'm gonna use this ask as an excuse to copy/paste your original ask and put it under a read more since it's Long.

Yeah, as you figured out in this ask, I'm not changing anything. I know exactly why Bill hates Soos, and I know exactly when, how, and why the audience will find out. I only change my plans based on asks if they make me think of a way to do what I wanted to do that's even better than the way I was originally gonna do it.

But yes: the reason Bill hates Soos is personal.

Anyway, your theory has been officially noted!

Anonymous asked:

I always figured that Bill held disdain for Soos because he viewed Soos’s positive attitude/outlook and friendliness as being naive and mindlessly conformist and unaware of all the ways he was harmful and delusional in a blind-to-anything-that-society-doesn’t-say-is-bad, without ever having the curiosity/worth to think outside the box.

Like, think of how… a disabled person might see licensed professionals casually abusing their disabled patients with cruel, damaging practices that do nothing to help and actually obviously harmful if you think/ pay any attention at all, but they tell themselves they’re good people and cheerfully don’t look any further into it. And that’s how he sees Soos, and his morality, as someone who thinks he’s nice and good and doesn’t get everything he’s doing wrong/thinking wrong. Ish. Only Bill sees all order as pointless and repressive and evil.

(Maybe there’s a degree of separation, somewhere, because as we see in The Book of Bill, he verrrrry subconsciously sees himself as a monster, in a way that’s actually bad-bad. But overall the lines are blurred for him, between what values of society are pointless and cruel, and all order being bad, burn it down, kill the people. When it comes to Bill’s kind of morality, where chaos is freedom, and order— all order— is repressive and cruel and unnatural. Is doctors force feeding you meds to fix you when you’re not broken but they’re breaking you.)

And that it wasn’t particular to Soos, that any average, cheerful, “common ol’ Joe” human like Soos would in general receive that kind of disdain from Bill. That sort of, “what an idiot” feeling, that’s got some real pain, and hatred for everything he thinks that person’s cheerfulness and kindness/morality represents, buried deep beneath. Not anything too personal against Soos himself. Just everyone like him, and what they look like to Bill. A typical, benign, blithely cheerful example of the dumb masses, another moron human organic who doesn’t get it. And isn’t even weird/creative enough to be interesting, blegh.

And it makes sense, anyway, since Bill is basically being abused here, that he’d have disdain for any of the people complicit in it who put up a cheerful friendly attitude, which they themselves bought. Talking from Bill’s perspective here.

But anyway, with Bill’s disdain for Soos, I was just like, yeah, makes sense. Soos seems to be the type of human to come off to Bill as a typical annoying dense meatsack. I didn’t think about it too much though I guess it took a lot of words to describe.

But with that ask about Bill’s disdain for Soos… okay, so was it more personal/more, in general, than just the stuff I just said? If it wasn’t, that’s fine. It makes sense if Bill’s disdain isn’t any more personal or extra complicated than what I tried to describe. It’s interesting enough on its own, it doesn’t need more factors. I just wanted to ask.

I just realized the length of this ask probably sounds pushy, somehow, but I only wrote so much because I got sidetracked trying to put my thoughts into words, it was only going to be a few sentences. It really was just a casual question. I’m not even that committed to this over other things. Don’t change the preplanned story because of me, please. Or add a specific scene about Bill’s dislike of Soos when you wouldn’t normally because of me. And you don’t have to spell it out for us in the next chapter, or whenever you write about it, because of me. Your writing is already great, you don’t need to change it to be more obvious for any reason. Just write it like you would. I really was just asking casually, this ask was really going to be a few sentences long, but I couldn’t figure out how to put my thoughts into words and now it’s paragraphs, sorry. But yeah.

[blindbeta]

Recently, I started writing a lot of Homestuck fanfiction, and Terezi is one of my fave characters to write, but I'm curious what your opinions on the canon portrayal of her blindness are and things that would be interesting to include in writing.

The basics if you aren't familiar with Homestuck:

Terezi is one of the troll characters, who are humanoid aliens. She was blinded by her best friend (Vriska) by being forced to stare at the sun, but learned to be able to "smell and taste colors" without being able to see them.

Here are my thoughts on the good and the bad (from other reading other stuff) as well as some things that a comment on would be nice!

At first mention, the "smelling/tasting colors" thing might come across as an instance of a power being used to negate a disability, but I feel like it meshes well with her general chaotic and even downright freakish personality. For this reason she loves and often uses wild and bright mixes/scribbles of color, which I would assume be due to them having stronger scents/tastes.

It's also shown that while the effect is better than you might expect from such a method, her "vision" through this method is still extremely blurry, often with smears (from licking her computer screen to read it) or streaks (from the drifting "scent"). (example image - https://www.homestuck.com/images/storyfiles/hs2/02745.gif [ID: A golden planet with a matching moon attached to it in orbit by a thick golden chain, with a small sliver of the larger cloudy blue planet the golden planet is orbiting visible. The whole image has a blurry effect applied, almost looking like a messy impressionistic painting. Instead of having defined edges, the colors look smeared and drifting in places.)

She does have a cane that's clearly styled after white canes, but it does fall in the trope of a weaponized cane as it contains a sword. Her weapon specialization is also specified to be "canekind." If she ever uses this cane to help navigate, I can't remember her doing so outside of her sprites from the walkaround games; it also often seems to be commonly drawn in the comic to more closely resemble a cane that would be used for balance.

She falls into the blind seer trope, as her in-universe title is the Seer of Mind, but is not the only seer in the comic--there are a Seer of Light and a Seer of Blood who are not blind, and a Mage of Doom who...it's complicated and changes several times, he's half-blind for a while and I think he's fully blind by the end of the comic? Her role as a Seer doesn't fall as much into literal visions as some instances, she can moreso sense the outcomes of different timelines and tap into memories of other versions of herself. The Seers and Mages aren't even the only characters whose stories play with knowing the future or knowledge of the world.

Here's one thing I like and that I've seen praised elsewhere--in a timeline that ends really badly and ends up being rewritten, she is talked into getting her eyesight restored. She immediately hates it, having never resented her blindness and preferring her new ways of navigating the world, and finds the return of vision not only a huge sensory overload but also something she likes much less than her skill to navigate by smell. She takes to wearing a blindfold and continues to live and navigate as she had prior, up until she dies and the timeline is overwritten. In the new timeline, she doesn't have her vision healed, and this is shown to be a good thing.

On a meta note, however, Homestuck's writing is often...not very screen-reader accessible, and Terezi's typing is probably one of the worse offenders on that front. She speaks in all-caps and leetspeak (a = , i = 1, e = 3), making a character who I feel is pretty unique with an interesting portrayal of disability be much less accessible to an audience that might relate to her. I really need to go in sometime and remember how to put alt text for their dialogue in my published fics!

These next couple points are generally about the prevalence of vision loss throughout Homestuck: Terezi's blinding was part of a cycle of revenge in her friend group, and Vriska's response to Terezi causing an explosion that caused Vriska to lose an eye (which had previously given her powerful vision, and losing it was like losing 7/8 of her vision instead of 1/2) and an arm. However, later in the story, Vriska gets her full vision and missing arm back which is connected to the fact her idealized self didn't include those injuries, while Terezi's did include her blindness.

Other than Vriska, there is another blind character (who is blinded due to overuse of psychic powers destroying his eyes) whose blindness, while coming from injury, isn't treated as the worst possible fate by the story--Vriska is the only character who agonizes over her vision loss, but 1) this is very understandable given her living situation and 2) she is certainly not meant to be a good source of disability representation, being a...feeply flawed person who is ableist herself.

There are also a couple characters who are missing eyes not really due to injury but more like...physically reflecting damage to an object in a way that doesn't cause injury but does mean they are both missing the same eye. This isn't really brought up in-text but if I ever write those characters, it'd be cool to acknowledge.

That's all the points off the top of my head that I'd be interested in your thoughts on!

I'd also like to share a couple examples of things I currently do in my writing of her that I'd be curious to get an opinion on!

In any material that takes place after she is blind (even in the timeline where she gets healed), I avoid relying on visual descriptions from her point of view, and when I do, I challenge myself to make every color word have a taste/smell association with it to portray how she experiences them. These aren't usually literal "cherry-red"/"lemon-yellow" descriptors but things more like describing something bright green and unpleasant as "sour" and so forth.

I also often use words that have a tactile connection, again trying to connect her methods of "seeing" to the ways she can get this information. Even when she regained her vision, during the times when she isn't blindfolded, I still use this different language to show how her perception has changed.

I once wrote a scene where Terezi shows up at her Vriska's house (just after she blinded her!) having just gotten her new cane, and immediately runs upstairs as confidently as ever, which Vriska notes as a sign of how comfortable and familiar she is navigating Vriska's house. This was inspired by things I've seen about being able to navigate a familiar space like one's own home without needing aids, and was meant to act as a sign of how much time she's spent at Vriska's house.

Wow, that got long, but I'm super curious what your thoughts here are!

Homestuck / Terezi and Blindness

Disclaimer: I have no idea about Homestuck other than hearing the name and knowing that the voice of Zuko, Dante Basco, is somehow associated with it or was mentioned in it?

I’ll do my best to offer advice based on what information is included here. If anymore more familiar with the source material wants to offer ideas in the replies, that would be helpful.

Associating Colors With Taste and Smell

Edit: to be finished later. Accidentally posted instead of saving as a draft.

[arceespinkgun]

Hi, thanks that I found your analysis and well, seeing your comment regarding re-reading MTMTE. i would like to know what you think regarding Senator Shockwave.(I mean his shadowplay arc) For me it is one of the most shocking (no pun intended) in which I think he is with a very good pace in the comic.

Thank you!

To be honest, it's a little tough for me to analyze this because even outside of the actual themes, the three Shadowplay arc issues of MTMTE I found frustrating to read. I didn't like going right from a big interruption in the plot and characters with the Scavengers and DJD, to yet another big interruption in the form of what feels like a cop show (and it lasts three issues)!

But I guess I'd say that I have three main thoughts:

I'm a big fan of Shockwave usually, he was my favorite Decepticon for a long time. But why was doing any of this with him necessary? Why did James Roberts think it would be so cool to reveal that the senator was an existing major character, and why Shockwave? I categorically don't like how JRo frames the origins of the Autobot faction, Orion/Optimus, and many other major Autobot characters in general, so I don't really like Orion's origin story or feel this senator even needed to exist in this role in the first place.

Maybe in a vacuum, Shockwave being this disabled and extremely traumatized guy who became… I'm not sure what I'd call him, like a fascist supremacist who hates religion (?) wouldn't be so bad. Obviously, people who are traumatized and disabled and also evil exist, and maybe his change in philosophy could be linked to already having been a manipulative person in a privileged position. In fact, maybe his concerns about functionism and Cybertron's resources weren't rooted in being concerned about the right issues, and the seeds of this philosophy were in him already. But in the context of basically every other villain in MTMTE also being a disabled/mentally ill/suicidal etc. person, I think it looks really bad, especially when Shockwave becomes maybe the biggest of all villainous threats to a ridiculous degree later... or earlier, I guess, since he time-traveled.

There's a common joke in the fandom about how JRo injects pregnancy and birth into his transformers stories, and he absolutely does. But I actually think that in both his stories and IDW in general, the even more overused and way more concerning thing is the brainwashing/mind-control. Because wow, there is so much brainwashing. From main characters to minor ones, almost every character mentally violated someone, was mentally violated themselves, had a loved one who was brainwashed, or all of these things! In MTMTE, I could even pick random minor characters like Perceptor (did something similar to shadowplaying Kup in one of JRo's other stories) or Blaster (was horribly mentally violated in a pre-MTMTE story) and even they are tied to this theme. And I never really felt that the weight of such a horrifying, traumatic thing is addressed well in IDW in general, but especially in MTMTE. When there are scenes in MTMTE with villains like Tyrest (trepanned himself, only resisted brainwashing because he had done this) and Pharma (lobotomized people at the New Institute, was mind-controlled by the Grand Architect) exploding that are directly tied to their brainwashing and mental illness, there's something that feels gross about it. Shockwave, of course, is a part of this theme. Personally, I don't feel like that moral Barber tacked on at the end of the IDW series where he had Prowl make that speech about how people like himself and Shockwave are both victims and perpetrators is enough to address the disturbing implications of all of this stuff.

[my-traumacore-sideblog]

i was just scrolling thru tiktok and found this, it's genuinely so triggering to see how little the staff think about the patients and how casually they talk about forcing meds on the patients

it shows so clearly that they don't see the patients as people because if they did they wouldn't be posting this shit talking about it and bosting about forcing unwanted medication on human beings and the fact that in most of these places if you are a patient you are not allowed to have contact with the outside world ""for the sake of your dignity"" supposedly so when u r out then no1 has 2 know what kind of state u were in but then the staff members r allowed 2 post abt u having ur breakdowns is rly telling and they r rly telling on themselves here

it was never abt our dignity

it was abt making sure we couldn't beg friends or family members 2 get us out of there

i hate this so much

sorry if this is more raw than normal im typing while triggered since this is more healthy than hurting my body

please don't try to talk to me directly on this post, i just needed to get my raw feelings out and then after this im probably just gonna cry and have a snack or something

please don't report this post bc of me talking abt my experiences w my own emotions, like i said this is not a threat of self harm, i do this so i don't feel the urge 2 do smth more destructive, sort of like writing in a journal? but this is more acessible 4 me bc it's just a place 4 feelings like this and stuff that triggers me and i can hav ppl online validate my feelings that yeah this stuff isn't okay and it's okay 2 b upset abt it, this is me being responsible and preventing myself from harming myself, bc i hav this blog as a method of getting it all out u guys don't need 2 worry, thought i should clarify given some of the stuff i was talking abt earlier in the post abt having rly raw emotions rn

rn at least? i want this post 2 go fucking viral

i want ppl 2 c how fucked up this is

how medical workers don't c us as ppl

how they think nothing of forcing medicine and "treatments" on us that we don't want

how 2 them we r just an obstacle in their day

just 2 b clear nothing bad is going 2 happen 2 me if this doesn't go viral, like i said, this is just me getting all my feelings out and dumping them onto virtual paper so i don't have them rattling around in my head anymore

whatever happens 2 this post, im just gonna finish this post, hav a good cry or a sad nap and a snack and then a talk with a loved one and im going to then continue my day as normal

this post going viral or not viral would have zero impact on my day, i just right now am having this desperate feeling of wanting to shove this in everyone's face and go "see!? this is how they see us! this isn't okay! can someone do something!? can someone out there force these people to acknowledge the ableism in the medical professionals!? the medical professionals i am sometimes forced to trust with my health as a disabled person! and yet they feel nothing but vile disgust towards me!"

idk, i just feel like this tiktok is a rly good example of the kind of medical ableism and medical abuse me and others like me have been yelling about for ages

okay better now after getting that out, thought i should tell u guys so u don't worry abt me, seen ppl being weird abt ppl emotional posting and now it's made me worried i hav 2 b super careful if u couldn't tell so yeah, better now tho

update: found out how 2 report content so i did that 4 the tiktok, u go 2 the share button and then there's a lil grey looking button w a flag on it 4 any of the rest of u who c this and think it should b reported/taken down

[nightinghoul]

About this NFT thing...

TL;DR I'm a disabled NFT creator, new to the scene, and it would help me to have followers on my design page, especially if they like cute bunny rabbits and mental health.

This is me: https://zora.co/@sourdoughbun

I'm one of these people who doesn't really like new things. Well, I'm autistic. I often feel wary of new technologies.

I think there's probably a lot of ND people in the crypto and NFT space, but I was skeptical. Plus, some people who are into it present themselves as a bit douchey. Some.

But, I have a person in my life who I consider a friend, but really he's a medical professional who does assisted stretching, and I see him once a week. (I have some really bad issues with muscle spasms. This helps a lot.)

He's young and hip and shit. Really nice guy, too. He started explaining cryptocurrancy and NFTs to me, and I was like, "Uuugh, that sounds stupid and annoying." But I was really catching on? And it started to make a lot of sense to me?

One of my special interests when I was a kid was stocks and bonds, because I liked to look at the graphs. When I was around eight, I decided that whenever I got some money, I was going to invest in gold, because commodities tend to be stable. But then I turned out to be bad at math, and have dyscalcula, plus I never had any money.

Anyway. Fast forward a few decades... I learned that NFTs are made from pngs.l (or can be, anyway). I took college courses in digital art, twenty years ago - got certified; have a degree in computer graphic design... But I didn't enjoy doing digital art until recently, after a lot of progress was made in digital technology. Even then, it took me a few years to find a stylus I was comfortable using. But now, I just do digital art all day. I'm usually working on my unpublished aspiring webcomic. Just for fun, I make several pngs every day.

So it turns out, I've been feeling like a failure for my entire life, but my brain is wired for the NFT scene. So I got four audio books on NFTs and cryptocurrancy, and I'm listening to them at double speed while making digital art of cute little bunnies. I also got into some crytpo groups on social media, but immediately felt uncomfortable. In that community, I feel like a real outsider.

Also, I'm not a hustler. I'm a tired person with social anxiety. If I could do this, I would feel like there's something I actually do - Something I could be good at. Narcolepsy keeps me at home - keeps me in bed a lot, and definitely doesn't let me drive. Before this, I was always very physical, and preferred jobs where I was working with animals, and able to be a busy body all day, cleaning up and caring for my shelter kitties. My skill set is all very physical and something I can't do anymore.

Except for this. This, I can do at home. I don't have to keep a set schedule. I don't have to work with other people who think I do everything weird. I don't have to worry about offending people by having a monotone voice, or not making eye contact. And it makes sense to me.

A lot of people hate crypto and NFTs and want them to go away. But there's this huge community of people who are enjoying themselves and staying sharp with this stuff. For me, it's helping so much with my brain fog to be engaged like this.

I just... I know if people don't see what I'm doing and don't care... I won't make any money; I won't feel like I can contribute financially to my household... I'll feel like a failure, and I'll burn out. And... I don't know how to show people what I'm doing. I don't know how to get my foot in the door.

So, having said all that, if anyone wants to follow me on Zora, or share my Zora page, I would be eternally grateful.

My brand is Sourdough Bun. Yes, it's just a cute bunny in a bunch of different little outfits. No, I don't dress my real life bunnies - They wouldn't like that.

But, I didn't want it to be without meaning, so my Sourdough Bun collections will always say, "Sourdough Bun knows it's okay to not be okay."

Sourdough Bun is a bunny who is usually in a bad mood, but she knows it's okay to express herself, and she finds enjoyment in what she loves. For her, that means wearing all sorts of costumes. She's also a shape shifter, and can appear with different patterns and colors of fur, and different kinds of ears. She does so for variety, rather then to fit in.

If you love bunny rabbits, or hate toxic positivity, you might like Sourdough Bun.

If you actually read all this... Wow! Thanks!

[urbancripple]

How do you balance recognizing that all disabled ppl need support with the fact that you feel left out of disabled spaces? It feels like a lot of the disabled community/groups/etc have become primarily people (if I'm being real, white women mostly) with chronic pain/fatigue, and while I think those ppl are valid and deserve support it can be hard to be left behind in a space that used to have more people like me. Especially considering I'm not even someone who can't work, I have a relatively normal life as far as crip stuff goes, like I've got a regular job and shit I'm just very visibly disabled while doing it. It really feels like the conversation around disability has started to revolve around white women with chronic pain/invisible disability that disrupts the ability to work, which totally is not at all what I'm handling, as someone who needs to (and enjoys) working and is not white nor a woman.

Like I am very glad that those people get support and visibility etc now. I just hate being left in the dust again, first by abled society and then by what used to be my community.

Hi reader who is most likely not the OP! This is going to be a #longpost. If you don't have the time to read the whole thing before responding and instead plan on letting your eyes dance around the text looking for key phrases to misinterpret, please fuck off.

For the rest of you, welcome and enjoy.

"How do you balance recognizing that all disabled ppl need support with the fact that you feel left out of disabled spaces?"

I don't. I can't, really.

I see a lot of the same problems that you mention in your question. A _lot_ of the disabled community in online spaces consists of white, fem-presenting folks talking about ill-defined, often invisible chronic conditions and advocating for better treatment.

To echo your point: this in and of itself is not a bad thing. Folks who fit into this demographic need better representation and help. But it feels like discussion of disability (especially in online spaces) is largely focused on and driven by this demographic. And for folks outside that demographic, it can feel isolating.

I feel isolated by the current discourse around disability. I feel like I cannot connect with the _vast_ majority of people who identify as disabled online. And it's not _just_ because the average internet user is getting younger.

What it means to be disabled has drastically changed in the last decade or so.

I once attended an award show where someone, upon receiving their award, ran up a flight of stairs onto the stage and proceeded to speak about how important the award was to them as a creative, a woman, and a disabled person.

She was talking about her depression.

As a full-blown cripply-ass human being, I struggle to accept or reconcile my very public, very obvious, very unavoidable physical condition with what that person said on stage vs how they literally got on stage.

Am I being a dick? Do I need to do some self reflection? Are my feelings based on a subconscious aversion to change?

Maybe.

On the other hand, these same conferences hold panels on "disability and representation in media" and then refuse to invite (and accommodate) a single wheelchair user. Instead choosing to fill the panel with folks struggling with "invisible disabilities" and/or mental illness. Why? Because folks with very visible disabilities (especially wheelchair users) are often the most complicated and expensive to accommodate (special transportation, flight arrangements, hotels rooms, bathrooms, service animals, etc.,)

It's frankly cheaper and easier to focus on disabilities that leave you access to four limbs and five senses than it is to make sure the folks on your panel represent the as many different disabilities as possible.

Am I saying that other disabilities are invalid? NO. Absolutely not. Get your hands off that fuckin' keyboard and finish reading this before you send an angry note.

Does it make me feel isolated from a community that I used to be very much a part of? Yes.

Does it make it difficult find, much less reach out to and help other wheelchair users? Yes.

Does it make it more difficult to share my experiences as a disabled person online? Yes.

Does it make it harder to try and raise the bar for disabled people in terms of fighting for a better quality of life? Absolutely. Especially when talking about how "living an independent life" means "having a job" and "taking responsibility for your physical well being"

It is incredibly lonely being a visibly disabled person who works full time, pays their bills, cooks, cleans, volunteers, and has a healthy marriage. Because of how disability is discussed online, I don't get to see disabled people _like me_. I don't feel comfortable talking about my experiences as a disabled person online because I know I'll get shouted down and told I don't belong because I'm not actively struggling to work or pay bills or whatever.

It sucks. It hurts. And I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you. If it makes you feel any better, you're more than welcome to talk to me directly about work or whatever. I'd be happy to be that person that you're struggling to find right now. Heaven knows we could all use a little bit of Community right now.

[icedmetaltea]

dude pmdd hit me seemingly MIDWAY THROUGH YESTERDAY ALL AT ONCE I want to fucking scream

I'm bloated and sore and getting mood swings and anxious as hell and depressed as fuck and acne-ridden... had a good long cry yesterday and it helped for a bit but today I'm equally fucked up

and going over each and every convo with the social worker and feeling like I messed up everything and she hates me and wishes I was dead... like I asked if we could do a remote session and she just replied with "sure"

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN does it mean you're incredibly disappointed with me

does it mean “wow kelsey we're going to have zero stuff to talk about so who cares which way we do it”

“cause how are you supposed to get exposure therapy if you're not getting out to the car w/ me idiot”

(texted her again to see if we can just reschedule cause come on there's nothing to talk about till we get replies from the disability lawyer and the paperwork we need for the tuition forgiveness thing and I can actually go outside bc rn I'm an anxious wreck who'd throw up if I even looked at a car)

and I forgot my mom's birthday yesterday on top of everything else, my dad had to text me a little reminder and that was AFTER I sent her a bunch of panicked messages about project 2025 (which thankfully she didn't see and I deleted before she could, but damn, I feel like every time I try to talk about politics with her the world punishes me for it) and I sent her an ecard but it was already like 8pm at that point and though she thanked me I feel like she was disappointed for me to forget- plus I obvs couldn't get her any birthday gift bc I'm broke as fuck

and on top of everything else last night it got really really bad (the birthday thing was the icing on the cake) and I ended up getting the stupid urge to cut again. i was able to control it enough to reach for my bag of rubber bands and use one, it's been like half a year since I've done that and now I feel disappointed in myself, but I couldn't take it anymore and honestly I'll probably do it again today

I'm a disappointment to everyone. To the social worker. To mom and dad. To my sister. To my friends. To everyone. And everyone would be happy if I was gone

and sure I'm sure this is just hormones talking bc last week I had interests, I was smiling, I was watching stupid meme vids and not wanting to blow my brains out but since yesterday it's all I've been able to think about, how fucked the world is, how we're gonna go into a civil and/or revolutionary war and climate change is fucked so I might as well go before I have to suffer too much right?? But then I feel like I should suffer because I deserve to. I'm so pathetic.

Now all my interests are gone. I can't smile. I have no appetite but I'm so goddamned hungry. Any progress I made on fixing my sleep schedule is gone cause I didn't fall asleep till 7am. I doubt I'll be able to go outside today. I doubt I'll be able to do anything today but be curled up in bed wanting to off myself.

I feel like everybody's sick of me and my emotions. What if they think I'm manipulating them?? Then I try to rationalize that like "wow you'd have to be pretty impressive if you somehow accidentally managed to manipulate everyone without even trying to and while being as bad at puzzles and logic games as you are" like I've been taught with therapy time and time again but of course that only works so well when danny's voice is echoing in my head.

The worst part is I never know if it's just PMDD making me feel this way or if it's just pulling away the blinds of distraction and making me see myself and the world for how it is

I'm so tired

[reilleclan-blog]

I was really hoping I could leave my abusive mother but I'm still stuck here. I had lost hope with certain things until I got a call about an apartment and I thought it'd be this but the universe keeps taking opportunities away from me I don't understand what I'm supposed to do . I feel trapped and yeah I feel like I will never escape I don't make enough money for the apartment and it's possibly gone to someone else. I tried getting another client but they haven't reached out to me since last week. Literally posting on the internet and interacting with others is all I have most ppl in my life wouldn't care about anything I feel pride over. I don't want to argue I don't want to fight . I don't I just want to live but it's hard all the time.

At this point I'm gonna say a lot of stuff that is stressing me out and if that means "exposing" then I guess so. My mother began spam texting me to clean .. basically the entire house b/c I'm home or b/c "I don't work a real job" I work part time and with my adhd and autism I'm lucky I still have a job. But I don't understand why I'd ever have to clean this big ass house ON MY OWN when I've cleaned it MULTIPLE times on my own just for my mother to re dirty it not even trying to keep it clean how it was. It feels like if she wants to talk to me she talks to me just to boss me around and that's it. She doesn't have problems with other ppl's daughters helping them or FEEDING them. Cause btw when I moved back in with my mother she wouldn't feed me she'd go out not saying where or when she'd be back and have leftovers spoil or wouldn't let me have anything when she knew I wasn't working and knew I was barely eating.

So yeah the little money I had "saved" went to buying $100 worth of groceries or fast food cause I didn't have many options. And again I'm fucking disabled but nobody cares about that b/c I'm not "disabled on the outside". But back to cleaning this house MOST OF THE MESS is from my MOTHER everything is from my mother. I'm not perfect I have some clothes I haven't picked up a couple unwashed dishes but most of that is from my mother and her doing favors for ppl b/c she wants to be liked or whatever.

I don't have a problem helping my mom but when I'm being berated and told I'm lazy just for this lady to spam text me to clean up HER MESS. And for her to call our family to tell them I'm lazy.. and I'm just wasting oxygen in this stupid fucking house.. that's not a good feeling at all. And I hate that I care for my mother but if I don't do something her way or right away or (in this case cleaning an entire downstairs by myself when it has papers and arts and crafts and HER SHOES and she has a TON of clothes she's bought) I'm immediately "the bad guy" I'm so tired of these fucking ppl I'm so tired of family saying "we don't know what went on in that house" THATS RJFHT U DONT SO WHY THE FJCK DO YALL MAKE ME THE VILLIAN B/C U SEE ONE ASPECT OF OUR LIVES OR INTERACTIONS. I'm so fucking tired THIS IS LKKE EVERYDAY MESS.

Yes I'm not the cleanest but I KEEP MY MESS IN MY ROOM AND MY ROOM WOULD LOOK LIKE THE CLEANIEST IN THIS BITCH IF U SEEN THIS FUCKING HOUSE. IM TJRED I WANT TO LEAVE I WANT TO FUCKING EXPERIENCE THAT MAYBE SOMETHING CAN BE GOOD OUT THERE INSTEAD OF LIVING IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE. AND MIND U WHEN I WAS ASKING MY MOTHER FOR HELP WITH THE APARTMENT SHE TOLD ME SHE EOULD HELP THEN CHANGED HER MIND AND I BEGSN TK CRY MY EYES IUT BECAUSE JF IT WAS ANYONE ELSES KID SHE WOULD HELP THEM THEN LETTER SHE GAVE ME WHAT I NEEDED BUT WHY WHY DO I CONSTANTLY NEED TK BE HURT BY THESES "ADULTS" IM TOLD IM LOVED BUTNI HAVE NEVER DELT IT NEVER

MY DAD IS JUST S HUSK OF A DUDE I CALL DAD IM SO FUCKING TIRED IM TIRED . I THINK ABOUT SUICIDE ALMOST ALL THE TIME BECAUSE J FEEL BROKEN I FEEL ALONE THATS ALL I FEEL I FUCKING HATE THJS PLACE I actually sh and at this point it really just feels like only options. I feel trapped I try to embrace myself with hobbies I love but I constantly see stuff I don't have or what others have or what's happening around our world but I'm still stuck in this hell hole feeling trapped. I'd say I have become happier as a person but my mother just takes it away and finds any reason to hate me. Yes it feels like she hates me and my father and at this point I don't think anyone can convince me they don't. I want to forget everything and move on but my brain constantly brings up my trauma I don't want to remember it.

If u tell me to "just be positive" I might shoot someone in the face. I'm JOKING HAHAHA I'm just so lost I wish I felt like I was cared for I wish someone would even care as I type this out. Nobody cares not even my blood

I don't think anyone wouldn't care if i disappeared but it'd be too late for anyone to care. I'm sorry I can't hold on I don't know

[kerryweaverlesbian]

Lofty of BBC's Holby City was maybe one of the worst characters on the show. Is this a hot take? Do people outside of me and my family somehow adore Lofty? I can't imagine how. Here is my hateful mean and nasty reasoning. Read at your own risk I'm not accepting criticism at this time lmao:

A) he was effective comic relief on Casualty because it's the Emergency Department and moments of Lofty tripping over or doing a social faux pas are necessary tension breakers in episodes where people are constantly at deaths door.

Casualty is (when it's GOOD) required to have at least a third of the episode dedicated to a narsty horrible accident (hell yeah) and tensions are always running high so you can see how having someone a be awkward is not going to be the worst thing that happened to them that day.

Holby City is a more hospital staff focused show (although again. If there's less than a third of an episode focused on patients it is probably a bad episode. PLEASE HAVE PATIENTS IN YOUR HOSPITAL SHOW.) but there's a lot of waiting around for people in Holby because it's the longer term care zone. If Lofty is dropping stuff in the background of scenes with this lower energy it suggests he has some sort of untreated disability rather than 'argh I'm frantic OOPS'. He is painted more as incompetent on Holby compared to their more grounded staff. Which makes everyone ELSE look incompetent for putting up with it. (To be clear!!!! I'm not saying people with disabilities are incompetent lol if he had one it would have been a storyline!! And if he had one and none of the doctors who see him every day flagged it it also makes them look incompetent. He doesn't CARE enough to be CAREful. And in a show ABOUT caring for vulnerable people as far as you absolutely can. That's a big problem.)

Like the thing is. Characters on Casualty can be one note architypes forever because they're doing medical CSI. Holby spends so much more time with the cast, they NEED to become more complicated and Lofty never does, he's the same guy no matter what happens. The only other guy like that in Holby is the incomparable Guy Self and he's a villain! He is a villain for never changing or trying for anyone! And even he TRIES to reform occasionally. Lofty (and the SHOW) doesn't see a problem with him perpetually disengaging from making emotional choices, putting most of the work of maintaining relationships on other people, and generally coasting through a profession that everyone else is giving 110% to. The building could be on fire and he'd wander outside and not think to rescue any of the patients unless someone else told him to.

B) the B is for Bisexual. Bisexual representation on Holby City where he cheats on his husband with a woman. It's a yikes from me.

C) speaking of Dom. God their relationship was horrible. POOR FUCKING DOM. tw abuse. Lofty talks to and believes Dom's abusive ex over him? He hugs the guy that RECENTLY pushed Dom down a flight of stairs? And they're still supposed to be a cutesy couple by the end of this? He shuts down Dom's excitement constantly? Hello??

D) the D is again for Dom because. It's their one year anniversary. By the way it was on their honeymoon that Dom couldn't go on to support his sick mother that Lofty cheated on Dom. Just by the way. BY THE WAY if your husband says he's going to stay home for your honeymoon and insists you go by yourself so he can stay home to support his sick mother. Maybe. Hm. Stay and support him instead. Just a fucking thought.

Lofty decides it's not working and they amicably split up (Dom is an angel sent from gay heaven by the way. I perhaps have my biases.) Dom kindly gives him the quirky and personal gift he'd bought him for their one year wedding anniversary as Lofty unicycles away (it may have been a bicycle but I picture it as a unicycle). Lofty gives him. Nothing. Which means that this man sat there as they planned a big anniversary party and not ONCE. not ONCE did he consider buying Dom an anniversary present. Because he's an arse!!!!

E) he only does this :| or this :/ for any emotion. I love characters with flat affects, for example my close personal friends Hannah Supernatural, Abed Community, and also as well my actual real human friends who do this 💖💖💖. HOWEVER. Lofty doesn't show emotion any OTHER way either. There IS nothing going on in his heart. He has passion for nothing. He goes where other people point. He avoids giving his opinion because he doesn't have any. This makes him a bad tv character for a drama. Opinion IS story on Holby. There is an issue, they all take sides and fight over it, and he doesn't get involved.

Anyway. Show's been over for over a year I will never have to see Lofty's face ever again as long as I live unless I for some reason decide to do a bizarre Holby City Rewatch and keep going to season 19.

By the way as I was looking up when he came to the Holby side of Holby City Hospital, I found this quote from his wiki page:

"Lofty is portrayed as a nice person who is likeable and popular."

Hm. He IS PORTRAYED as a nice person. The show thinks he's a nice person who is likable. However.

This concludes my ministry of hate.

[dandunn]

Fic author interview tagged by @vampirenaomi

1 How many works do you have on AO3?

42

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

728,089

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Fic that annoys me so much I disabled comments (go find it yourself lmao), Marked for Death, Tiger by the Tail, What's coming through is Alive, The Sea is Getting Rough Again

my one piece fics all have way more kudos than my recent stuff basically

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do sometimes, im usually tired from writing and editing so sometimes ill just say thanks lol

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

i wrote a fic anonymously which is horrendously dark and doesnt have a happy ending but I think most other fics i write at least have a bittersweet or happy ending hdfgb

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

uhhhhhh i dunno man I like the ending of the fic i wrote where goemon threatens to cut one of jigen's exes' dicks off and then they go hang out by the pool. that was fun :)

7. Do you write crossovers?

not really, I've had a few ideas for them but they're hard to write and wouldnt have worked out

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not... really? i got a really weird backhanded compliment where someone talked at length about a ship i dont like (the fic wasnt about that couple) then said the first chapter was alright apart from being painfully slow (thanks) and then accused me of virtue signalling because of the difficult topics i handled in the fic.

It was really, really strange like I genuinely think they were trying to pay me a compliment but they were incredibly shit at it lol

And then in another fic I turned off comments because a minor started bitching at me about the porn I wrote not being sexy enough and when I told them to go away they harassed me for a little while. That was fun.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yeas. I prefer it when smut is incorporated into the story because I kind of need the emotional stakes to be high enough otherwise I kind of lose interest. Smut without feelings is just kinda boring to me. Of course I have some exceptions but those are rare nowadays.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes, though it's on wattpad apparently so I have no idea if the person doing it credited me because I dont use that site lol.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yeah and I dont recommend it. we only wrote like 2 chapters of it but i no longer speak to the co-author and the whole thing ended up feeling a bit disjointed and weird.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Uhh I have a couple, zoro/luffy, ace/sanji, jigen/lupin and jigen/goemon

zolu probably wins here because i have not so far written a 200k fic about anyone else lol

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

*gestures weakly at literally everything in my google docs*

I forgot how to write sorry

15. What are your writing strengths?

*tv static noise*

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

i cant speak english

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I don't know whether its bad or just handled badly by a lot of writers but I don't like it. Speaking as someone whos been learning japanese for the past 2+ years I hate it when I come across a word and have to either look it up myself or scroll to the bottom of the fic for any footnotes there are to explain it. Gonna use myself as an example for how I go about this kind of thing:

Fujiko tries to smile at his robotic, overly formal speech patterns, when really it's a little off-putting. She hasn't heard anyone use the word sessha, 'my humble self', for themselves outside of a period drama.

each to their own but i prefer putting in a small aside like this rather than shoving in foreign words and expecting for the reader to go and break the flow of the writing by looking it up for themselves.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

id say pokemon mystery dungeon but the first fic i wrote i instantly deleted after getting one negative comment, i think one piece is more where i cut my teeth

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

i dont really know? ive gotten into a couple of new things recently but they havent triggered my "oh i gotta write something" reaction

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

i dunno man i dont like my work very much right now heres an image if u read all of this

[squish--squash]

Upon every post I see of the new Tumblr changes, the replies and reblogs are filled with people HATING them, WANTING them to not be implemented, and WARNING how much of a bad idea it's going to be. But staff isn't listening.

But we can try to do something about this, but only if we're coordinated and smart.

the main reason this seems to be happening is to go with the status quo of all the other social medias out there (which makes me feel sick) and because as the CEO said (according to this post from a live session- I highly recommend reading it) tumblr is in the red financially, and needs more financial support.

What the staff fails to realize though is that once these changes are made, they'll go even further in the red from users leaving.

I'm not sure if it'll work, but us as the userbase can put our collective foot down about this, even while our screams of uproar and warnings fall upon deaf ears.

First thing anyone with a phone can do is give the app a 1-star rating and explain why, specifically about the upcoming features and how the previous updates are fucking up things too (there's a 500 character word limit unfortunately, but a lot can still be said under that constraint). People have started to do this, judging by the most recent stream of ratings, but there are over 3 million reviews already, so unless we want to show how mad we are about this by changing our reviews to a 1-star, it's going to stay up.

Second thing is to stop buying stuff from Tumblr. Getting ads? Ad-blocker (unless you're on the app, I wish there was a way to get an ad-blocker on the app; however, you can download firefox on your PHONE and run the website on there with an ad-blocker, so I suggest trying that out). Stop buying checkmarks. Don't buy anything from the shops. Money talks, especially when the CEO of Tumblr is in the red.

Third thing, and the hardest to set up, would be to set an example of what Tumblr's user traffic is going to look like if the changes roll through by logging out and staying off tumblr. This will be hard for people who mainly use this site as their main social media (like me), but it's possible. Watch movies or tend to hobbies. Visit other social medias if you feel like you need to. Go outside and sit in the sun for a little bit. The most impactful form of this would be to stage an organized log-out, but there's just way too many users for something like this to be scheduled, but there's a saying about how something small can pile up and snowball into something massive.

All we want as the users are simple things. We want more accessibility features for our disabled friends instead of having them be screwed over with every new update; we want to maintain what makes this place so special and different from all the other social medias; we want to be able to see and communicate with others, so curate our own unique experiences without having an algorithm try and shove things down our throats like baby birds. And for the financial part of it all, instead of locking things behind paywalls, open donations. Sites like Wikipedia and Archive of our Own are two successful and large sites that are run off of donations. People are more willing to simply donate to a site that runs zero ads than to buy things like the ability to not see ads or to have some sort of custom domain.

I really don't want to leave Tumblr. It's been my primary (and basically my only) social media since I discovered it in 2016. But I'll leave. And I know for a fact a lot of people agree with that settlement

[neuroglitch]

I think sensory processing issues aren't seen as specific to asd is because

1) sensory processing issues are either an incredibly common symptom found in a lot of neurodivergencies or their own separate disorder that is commonly comorbid with asd (I personally like to think of them as their own separate thing as many people in my family have sensory processing issues but otherwise would be considered neurotypical)

2) it's only in the most recent edition of the dsm that sensory processing issues are mentioned in connection to asd, specifically in the "determining severity level" section (I personally dislike this change since I don't get why you'd use a sensory disorder to determine the severity of a social skills/communication/executive functioning disorder)

But basically it boils down to sensory processing issues being acknowledged as a common symptom in multiple disorders before this current wave of asd activism, combined with sensory processing issues only recently being officially connected with asd in the dsm.

Also I just want to say I really appreciate your posts about symptoms not being tied to one diagnosis and about relating and stuff. Sensory processing issues run in my family, and I had ongoing trauma my entire childhood that started before I can remember, so it's literally impossible to say in my case whether I'm autistic, have sensory processing issues and trauma, or some combination of those things. I've also got some type of dissociative plurality thing going on but it doesn't really match the experiences I've seen other people describe and like. It's just really nice seeing the acknowledgement from someone else that not everyone is going to fit neatly in the boxes created by the dsm or online disability communities

Hey!! Yeah I think you are correct on account of the sensory processing - it's a trait commonly seen in a variety of difficulties (and even on its own entirely), and not as heavily associated with ASD specifically. And I feel like if hard pressed, most people would eventually agree that no ONE symptom or trait cannot exist in the same form in someone who's not austistic. And in that way I find myself questioning the protectiveness over certain terms that are used to describe some of those experiences. Esp when it's directed at other disabled and marginalized people who are looking for community and language to describe their experiences.. (not arguing anything, just thinking out loud :p)

I'm happy my post resonated with you!! I relate to what you describe to a degree, as well as I relate it to the experience of a number of my loved ones. And it's really one of the reasons I'm so against this "disorder superiority", where symptoms occurring outside a confirmed specific 'correct disorder' are considered misconstrued at best, fake at worst.

Which leads to everything from people telling me I "must be austistic" because I'm so awkward and weird, to people insisting my friend must have terrible "repressed childhood trauma" she has forgotten bc she has experiences of identity compartmentalization, to people hating on me for being "endo" until they talk to me for ten minutes and then insist I have osdd, to me anxiously trying to avoid using terms like stimming because it's not "mine" and I'm a bad ally if I don't say "fidgeting" bc only autistic people stim (but I also fidget and it's not the same thing), claiming my heavily traumatized partner can't have the symptoms of DID because most of the major trauma happened after he was 10, etc etc.

And it's shit bc for someone like you, it's not like you don't relate to autistic experiences a lot (orherwise you wouldn't be wondering), but unless you are willing to publically agree that you're austistic, there's going to be people who will be armchair diagnosing you if you talk about you experiences, or who will find it distasteful for you to discuss your experiences.

Similarly to how people on occasion have been SO MAD about my odd little plural identity stuff, until they conclude that I'm osdd but has been misled by the evil antipsychiatric agenda or whatever.. and it's like.

If the ONLY thing I would need to do differently for those people to stop being unhappy about my public behaviour is to diagnose myself with osdd (a disorder not present in any diagnostic manual where I live, and based on a set of symptoms that has been repeatedly (i believe wrongly) counted among my psychotic symptoms by all psychiatrists I've ever spoken to), then that's fucked up.

I DO NOT NEED TO CONSENT TO BEING CATEGORISED USING ANY WHICH SPECIFIC DIAGNOSTIC MANUAL FOR MY EXPERIENCES TO BE VALID.

[Do these people think that these sets of symptoms didn't exist before they got described in the Big Book? What ahistorical arrogance! To assume that yes, now, at this Peak of Psychiatric Science, we have finally successfully described all things ever correctly, and there could be no more left to discover or describe - yet clearly 30 years ago (or in most of the world) they were (are) missing a lot, according to these very same people?! Baffling.]

Ultimately it really doesn't matter whether any of us could or could not technically be diagnosed with this or that thing. And frankly, as an educated psychologist this may sound petty or even hypocritical.. But fucking hell, I am tired of the amount of deference to our psychiatric overlords and the DSM-bible..

And the amount of toxicity and exclusion and abuse and gatekeeping that is hiding behind "but science says...!".

It does not. It literally does not. I'm not gonna go into it heavily, but the classification of mental disorders is not a particularly data driven project.

Sorry for going off on a whole ass rant... oops... i think I'm in a Mood lol

[pbandjesse]

Sadly baby mouse died overnight. I am not shocked after how quickly he deteriorated yesterday. I just hope he was comfortable in the end. I feel really bad. But I tried my best. I really did. I would bury him with his brother in the clover pot.

I felt sad this morning because of that. I hadn't slept bad. And let myself sleep until 9. When I woke up I had a sore throat. It's like deep in the base of my skull. Which might be be allergies but it for sure not comfy.

I got dressed. And tried to feel fine. I cleaned up all the mouse stuff. Said goodbye. Tried to feel normal.

I had a little breakfast. And I worked on the sweater project. I decided that it's not the right shape. Which is alright. It was a fun try and I will move on to the next project now. I am not sure what that will look like but I'm looking forward to trying to make something else

My hands need a little break I think though and I might do some sewing to get ready for the Christmas market. Or draw some new bears. We will see.

I would chill on the couch after I vacuumed up the yarn fluff I got all over the living room. I thought about cleaning but then I was just a bit paralyzed. I was tired and couldn't do anything. So I didn't. I had a deviled egg. I ran downstairs to get a package for a neighbor when the doorbell rang. I laid in bed for a little while.

I got up at 12 and finished getting ready. I put my shoes on. And I was off. I said hello to my neighbor outside. And drove to awah.

I put on music to hype myself up. And got there early. I was most of the way set up when Zoe got there.

It was a fun day. I was really pleased to see the sisters back from the spring who I really like. I also just really liked the project. We were talking about geometric shapes and colors and patterns. And everyone seemed really into it. Which I always love. I just want everyone to have fun. And this was a good one.

Me and Naomi also made some art to encourage the teens. One of the sister, Tiffany, loved the black outlines on my art and asked if she could do it too. Of course!! She seemed so excited, it was so sweet. Her sister, Sierra, held my hand and told me she was afraid of bees. She also was very concerned with the dates of the class which I think is very sweet. She just wants to know what's up, which I can absolutely relate too.

We had a lull between groups and were able to reset. I had a nice conversation with Mary Ellen about what puhtok does and the group I work with on Tuesdays with profoundly disabled students. She got a little misty! I was surprised but I also got it.

The adult class was fun. I had a nice conversation with Andrew and his dad about how Andrew has such a beautiful eye for color and his work reminds me of Hilma af Klint. Which I think made Andrew flattered.

I also just had some nice interactions with Richard and his aid. About pop art and painting. It was a fun class.

Me and Naomi would chat about her trip next weekend and how we have no class. It'll be nice to have a free Sunday. And we were pretty good at reminding people about it. Hate to mess up any of their routines, I know how important that is for them, but everyone seems mostly chill about it.

It would take a little bit to get all of the materials out away. Andrew and Brian had helped us bring things to the table and I got everything put away. Chatted with Andrew's dad. But soon it was time to go.

I remembered to alarm the building. And then walked to my car. Which was surprisingly warm. I took my sweater and socks off. And wrote my notes for the class while the ac cooled down the car.

I I went to target. I was originally going to go this morning but I am glad I waited. It was fun. But it was also incredibly busy. Target was having some kind of sale if you used the app. Which finally pushed me to download the app.

And I saved so much??? I had $18 in Cashback on my account I didn't know about and a $5 gift card, plus 30% off half my items. I ended up getting a $95 order for $58! That's crazy!

I did really good sticking to my list. But I also treated myself to a beautiful green fleece jacket that I love. Its so soft. And if we use girl math, with my discounts today I got it for free.

Of course it's way to warm to wear it. But in the coming weeks I am sure it's going to be great.

I paid after waiting on a very long line. Almost left the store without getting the security tag taken off the fleece but after the door beeped at me twice I went back and got it fixed. Oops.

I dropped off my purchases in the car and walked to five below. Which was also to busy but it was fine. I did not have luck finding what I was looking for. The final items on my list. Pimple patches and brown sugar chapstick. I still had fun looking around.

I remembered I had a $10 gift card for Ulta so I walked next door and had great luck. I found a new brand of patches that weren't expensive and the brown sugar chapstick! Which had a redesigned package so I'm glad I was able to find it even if it didn't look like I expected from the old packaging.

The girl at the counter was excited for me that my total was $4 after my gift card. Excellent. Love a deal. She also helped me fix my Ulta account that wasn't set up correctly. Why it had my Minnesota address and my brother's name I will never know. Weird weird weird.

I walked to the Michaels next. No luck on the strap material but I found a few other little things I was excited about. Some ribbon and super glue. A cup and a wall hook shaped like a heart. I had a coupon for there too. I was doing really good today.

I got a piece of candy while I was there and ate that while I walked back to the car. And then home.

It was a nice drive back. And I was really happy to be back. I was tired.

James was playing DND with their friends. I put things away and laid on the couch with sweetp. James said they would play for another hour. And once that hour was up I requested they get off and have dinner with me. So they did.

They would run to the store to get dressing. And then we had a salad, fries, and grilled cheeses for dinner. James just made one dinner that we shared and it was very sweet. I love my husband.

I have been hanging out all evening. Texting Celia about how whimsy is the best prevention for COVID. Sweetp was being a little cutie cuddling me. I got a shower. James and me are in bed now. I am very much ready for sleep.

James told me that they are very sorry that baby mouse died. But they feel like taking care of him healed something in them for the mouse tests they had to do in highschool. I am glad that we tried. I am sad but I know we showed kindness and that is important to me.

Tomorrow we are taking Sweetp to the vet for a check up. He is to fat so I am expecting them to tell us that. But besides that I think we are just having a chill day. I hope it is restful.

Sleep well everyone. Wash your hands and take care of eachother.

[winderlylandchime]

He was on a roll today! He didn’t want to stop. Havent even started the ep and we are like 3 cigarettes in and 4 pills down. He had an audience of one (to his knowledge) to entertain and he delivered. But he was stressed. It started with him coming back inside and going ‘okay i think I’m ready.. i could be wrong tho’ honestly this is a mood ngl, ‘do you think Brian buys him alcohol..or does he have a fake id? Idk whats cuter. OH MY GOD HE IS DRUNK AND CARING ABOUT HIS EDUCATION! Why am i finding this cute?..my dream is for brian to tell justin he loves him. Seriously dude wtf has to happen for you to tell him’ I swear i deserve an award bc he says stuff that would usually get a reaction from me but i have to be normal about it and it is hard! ‘Oh god, how weird do you think had to be to film blow job scenes?..his hand still acts out! How is he gonna do in school? Oh Brian can’t get enough of him. SIR’ ‘..oh my god MIKE HAS THE SAME WAY OF DEALING WITH PROBLEMS THAT I DO..remember when i dyed it purple for that girl who said her favorite color is purple..and then she never talked to me again?*long pause* honestly i dont blame her that was a bit *waves his hands around* much.’ ‘..brian actually cares about Teds weird addiction enough to show up for an intervention? See! And he got him a job! There is potential here somewhere just let me uncover it!’ ‘Oh Justin is drawing again, dude it’s okay just take a deep breath, count to ten, shake your hand a little and do it again. That’s what my therapist told me to do…although i was 12 and it was bc i was scared to make friends…oh no his hand is gonna be a problem isn’t it?!’ He is now having a moment bc he feels bad for Mikey but he is conflicted with his feelings..’i need him to listen to Bri Bri and quit his job. Oh my god JUSTIN IS STILL HERE?! OH GOD THIS IS PAINFUL TO WATCH. So what if he lost control?! HE IS CLEARLY DISABLED TO SOME DEGREE! Would you kick a handicapped person out of school bc they can’t attend gym class?! Oh i hate this guy! How about you HELP him meet the requirements somehow?! You see he is talented and instead of HELPING him as a teacher, you are gonna spit on him bc he’s disabled?! OH FUCK THIS GUY! FUCK HIM ALL THE WAY TO HELL. I need a cigarette again. Pause this shit bc i am not okay’ he is currently outside pacing back and forth mumbling while smoking and i am learning so much about him bc of qaf, this is actually insane. ‘Okay turn it back on. I’ve calmed down now (cut to justin saying he is dropping out) I LIED I AM NOT CALMED DOWN WTF YOU DONT LET PEOPLE WIN WHEN THEY MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT DISABILITIES!..oh i love all of their reactions! But Brian is about to have a stroke if Justin doesn’t stop’ ‘WAIT THAT WAS LIKE WHEN BRIAN DID IT IN THE PILOT! okay that was cute! The way Bri Bri stares at him and then he dried his face. Fucking adorable, i almost forget that im mad that he dropped out..(and we are at the computer scene) OH MY FUCKING FUCK CRISPY JESUS HE GOT HIM THAT COMPUTER! THAT IS NOT NORMAL FUCK BUDDY BEHAVIOR BRIAN! Oh this fucker cares so deeply for him and everyone else but doesn’t want anyone to know. CMON JUSTIN STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH AND TRY IT! Oh that’s messed up Justin, he isnt trying to fix you, UNLIKE THE TEACHER HE IS TRYING TO HELP YOU FIND WAYS TO DO YOU THING! Oh he looks like he just watched a puppy get hit (he now got sad at a fake scenario he just made up about the puppy)..OH HE DREW A PENIS NICE’ 1/2 of 2x05

Oh he drew a penis, nice. DEAD.

Anon you are so brave and strong for not telling him the things that you should not be telling him.

Your brother has gone straight (pun intended) queer theory to disability theory. He needs a full honorary degree. I love him.