#have i told this story before? im almost certain i have but i just changed the household whiteboard calendar to December and im

[stepfordgoth]

When I was in fifth grade my school had an annual spelling bee that was mandatory for all fifth graders to take part in and all the teachers, staff and younger grades were the audience. I was an awesome speller but I was also very shy and hated the idea of being forced to stand in front of the whole school and have a spotlight on me so I tried my best to get out of it but ultimately I was forced to do it anyway so I decided while I was waiting in the queue to go onstage and spell a word, that I would purposefully spell the word wrong so that I could just be done with the whole thing and not have to go multiple rounds because FUCK THEM! I'm not gonna be forced into their weird little pageants and shit! I and my teacher and my parents already know I'm great at spelling, grammar, writing, etc, I don't have to publicly prove it like that!

Anyway my word was "calendar" and I spelled it starting with a Q and gave my teacher (the person who wouldn't let me get out of it because I was "such a good speller!" and who was also the person giving the word to be spelled) a very smug, shit eating smile on my way off the stage to my seat and she was big mad about it and called my mom later that day. (My mom, surprisingly, didn't give a shit and told my teacher "well she told you she didn't want to do it" lol)

Where I'm going with this is, I believe god is still punishing me for that because even now, ~17 years later, every single fucking time I go to write or type the word "calendar" I have to stop and look at it for a second to make sure it looks right because my brain, apparently, never recovered from the "calendar starts with Q!" stupid bullshit my 11 year old self pulled and that's just life baybee

[konniesreality]

I ask for some reassurance. please. ive been here and have had such a bad void and affirming stage. i got rid of those obsession and it’s been almost 2 years since I found out about the law. every time since I learned about states or even during affirming, I would tell myself the 3D would change at some point. i wasn’t accepting it as something permanent even before I read a neville book, shouldn’t something have changed? im freaking out bc I turn a certain age soon and people say it’s supposed to be a fun time in my life but I have no friends. I work a stupid 9-5, i don’t go to college, I just want to revise my age or BE SOMETHING already. i wanted to wake up in the void and be my desired age, be in my desired college, have my desire group of friends. I let go of the need to wake up in the void but even without that, I always ALWAYS told myself that it’s okay it’s not always going to be like this, soon the 3D will conform so why hasn’t it? I tell myself that to reassure myself and then I know it’s a fact in my 4D. idk what to do atp. im scared I’m wasting my life on this. on loa but I keep going anyway. I read edwardart I read neville I fulfill myself when I want to, I imagine to experience and not to get it in the 3D but I can’t help but notice time passes at some point, I can’t blame myself for that.

Woah, I understand where you are coming from. Now listen this isn’t a race. I know you said, “I wasn’t waiting for the 3D to change” but you kind of do want the 3D to change. You’re supposed to fulfill yourself as if you already have it. Play pretend, the game is easy. You’re subconsciously waiting for something to happen when in reality, it already did.

The past, present, and future don’t matter. No matter what happens in the 3D, you already have friends and all of the things you want. The 4D is the only real reality. You don’t need to feel happy all the time when thinking of your desires. Just notice that it’s there. You should try this meditation out for manifesting. There’s great success with it!

And also, tough love but, if you really were fulfilling yourself, you wouldn’t be in my inbox saying how it’s not working for you. You would be fulfilling yourself knowing you have it all. That it’s yours.

About the void state, I really don’t know why this state is so over complicated. Here are the basic steps that you should take and RUN. Don’t read anymore void posts, don’t read all of the success stories. Here are the basic steps and go with it.

1. Lay in any comfortable position of your choice.

2. Breathe in and out at your own pace. Take deep breaths and focus on the sound of air rushing in, or focus on the feeling of air coming in. It’s okay if your mind wanders, just go back to your breathing.

3. When you have no thoughts or aren’t thinking of something specific, affirm for the void. Focus on the affirmations and hear yourself saying them.

4. You should feel symptoms but DON’T FOCUS ON THEM. They are just symptoms, and if you don’t get symptoms, it’s still working. Common symptoms are floating, flying, and feeling hot or cold.

5. Don’t focus on time, then you should be in the void state. Some people say it takes them hours, but that’s because they focus on time too much. In all honesty it should take 10 minutes or less.

6. Affirm for your desires and leave the state when you feel ready.

The void is nothing but a relaxation state that we enter when we sleep, we just aren’t aware of it.

You can also do the SATS/lullaby method, affirm for your desires in the wish fulfilled state as if you have it, then fall asleep in the wish fulfilled state. Or you can visualize them instead. Or you can just vaunt about your desires!

Now you’re right, it’s not your fault that the 3D punches you in the face with circumstances, and it seems like you are very stressed. I recommend doing a meditation like this one or check out their channel, they have awesome meditations. Now when something bad in the 3D happens, take a deep breath and go back to your desired state.

You deserve all happiness in this world, I am rooting for you anon. 💗

[kusanalogy]

8 photos, 13 characters (8/13)

characters: zhongli, thoma, yae miko, amber, venti, xiao, scaramouche, aether, itto, heizou, xiangling, shenhe and jean x gn!reader

a/n: ITS MY BIRTHDAYYY had only a bit of time to finish this so when you see this its probably not my bday anymore. no word count sorry 💀 also smh not tumblr making the pictures blurry. Hopefully these scenarios arent overused, i havent wrote properly in a few days. I realized how fun thoma is to write omg!!

Warnings: unequal length, meaning some might be short and some might be long. One swear word on scara's, text might look kinda weird but im not entirely sure, spoilers if you squint on aether's.

summary: I have 8 genshin scenery pictures (ctto, photos arent mine. i found them on multiple platforms) and there will be 1 scenario for 13 characters that i think would fit the picture! Simple as that. The ending for each one is up to you

1.

When zhongli let you rest by a tree from the tiring walk across liyue, the ex-archon told you stories of the village right in front; Qingce. You closed your eyes in an attempt to sleep but the brightness of the sunshine stopped you from doing so. Zhongli paused to brush your hair, signaling you to open your eyes. The mountains in the distance and the fields below complemented the vast sunset before his eyes, And he gave it appreciation for who knows how many times in his life. "Y/n, i must say the sunset of qingce village is quite the sight to see. It would be a shame to miss it."

2.

After helping thoma with simple errands in ritou, your eyes were glued to the mouth-watering snacks of a certain food stall by the corner. Thoma notices this and thinks. You definetly deserve it after all that work! He instantaneously goes up to the food stall while waving at you to join him. "My treat today! Thanks for the help, but i just thought of a challenge.." He puts a hand on his chin and continues "Try to guess what i would order. If you get it right, I'll give you extra hugs and kisses tonight!" Who would decline such an offer?

"My, I didnt expect to see you here.." A mysterious yet familiar voices catches your attention. "How could you forget that your significant other was waiting for you?" Your confused mind tries to recall when yae miko and you planned to meet, but nothing came up. You turn your head to see her walking up to you "Haha, im joking. I just felt like i havent gotten enough attention from a certain someone.. They must compensate with.." She ends the sentence early and picks the nearest food stall to go to. Archons, how did buying materials for a new personal project of yours end up with yae miko feeding you egg rolls like some baby?

3.

"And thats a wrap, good job y/n!" Amber congratulates you after a day of taking down hilichurl camps and practicing your gliding skills. The both of you race back to mondstadt in a way thats slightly different: gliding. With the help of random wind currents, amber was slightly ahead of you but once the cotton-candy like sunset was visible, She slowed down her tracks to admire. "Y/n! Come down, come down! We have to take a picture together!"

You gasp and put a hand on your chest, then observe what you've stumble upon. A bard from mondstadt, peacefully playing his lyre on a small edge and humming to himself. The sky was painted with a pink-like shade, perfect for the tunes he was playing. It was almost like it was the first time you laid eyes on venti. Basically, you were mesmerized. The bard opens his eyes for it to meet yours, he reaches a hand out, as if telling you to join him.

4.

"Xiao? Why are you here?" You were tasked to investigate a crime scene in dragonspine that involves the abyss order, but once you got to your location, you never thought you would meet the adeptus looking up the snowy mountain. "You need not worry." He replied "I just- the snow gives me memories." You thought about what he said. Those memories must be dark ones, hm? You wish you could change his view on snow, so the next time he looks at it, he wont think of those thoughts anymore.

Once again, you were working with scaramouche. Why are you working with the fatui again? how did you manage to get into one of the higher-ranking ones? And lastly, what did you get yourself into? "Y/n? Have you become deaf?" Hearing his voice snaps you back to reality. Forgetting to bring a warmer was a mistake!! You're zoning out and shivering. the worst part is, scaramouche notices it. A few seconds of panicking later, you see him pulling out what looked to be the exact warmer you usually buy and he.. hands it over to you? "Fine, this was incase i would get cold. But i guess you can use it for now. This is only for the mission, okay?! So dont get the wrong idea, dumbass."

5.

You look at aether with the brightest eyes he's ever seen you with. "Are we... Really here?" Before a reply came out, he couldnt help but smile. He made your wish of venturing to this hidden gem of a "nation" come true! The destination most average adventurers like you would never get the chance to explore. He simply nods, hand reaching down to your own as he slowly takes a step forward. It was time to make movement now. While walking, the traveller's mind was all about the dangers that await. He'll protect you, he promises. Just hold aether's hand and you're safe.

6.

You jump as you hear a loud scream from the location you came from, And look who it was! Arataki "numero uno" itto, wearing a strange, broken hat he has just found while searching through the abandoned houses of yashiori island. "itto, are you seriously scared of thunder?" You mocked, Exicted to see his reaction. "W-what? Me? Scared? I looked all over this pile of junk to find you this super duper rare necklace i saw in a book! Now come here, Lets see if it suits ya' style." Wait, what?

"Hurry!!! The umbrella's going to fly away!!!" You rapidly wave at heizou, who was examining elemental traces left behind an unidentified group. "How am i supposed to find the truth behind this "bandit" if i dont take my time on- ouch!" Before he knew it, the same umbrella you were holding flew right torwards him, leaving you soaked and heizou somewhat bruised. He picks it up before it can escape somewhere else and rushes to give it back to you "Im sorry, im sorry. Seriously now, lets take shelter by that shed. I'll... try my best to keep you warm."

7.

Its not like xiangling needed to go all the way to the north of liyue and drag you along for the "Excellent, wonderful, outstanding, magnificent, amazing, high quality meat" (while thinking of it, you can practically hear her voice) She speaks highly of, she just really wanted a reason to show you this treasure of a place she found. She was so enthusiastic the whole time, pointing to this and that, grabbing that and this for "future recipes". In the end, you both decided to have a cozy picnic in the depths of the bamboo forest. Of course, xiangling didnt need to make anything! She came prepared with all sorts of dishes, all she had to do was asked guoba to make a fire.

Currently, you and shenhe were walking up to qingce when you spot- a poor puppy that fell into the water?! You stop your tracks and try to reach out to the animal, but of course, you we're too far up. Shenhe on the other hand, was all ready to jump into the water, saving it. Without warning, she does what her mind told her to. Well, it definetly left you shocked. She was fast with her feet and climbed up with the dog in her other hand, not wasting any time. You reach a hand down once more and archons.. How could she look this beautiful looking up right into your eyes with her hair and clothes slightly soaked, grabbing onto your arm for support?

8.

You were accompanying jean, klee and a few other knights to the archipelago, as "dodoking" has awoken a once more!! When the night fell, you and the acting grand master somehow ended up sharing a tent. As for why, a certain librarian wanted her to "get closer to you" -shrugging off what she said, you went out to go stargazing to clear your mind. You settled down, and if it isnt Leo Minor shining through the vast sea of stars tonight... You smiled, recognizing the constellation. Like it was on queue, Jean came up to you and sat right by your side. No words were spoken, only the stars and the both of you "getting closer"

[sketching-shark]

Is it just me, but mk being the “chaos incarnate” frels out of place???

Like of all characters he gets to called that? Seriously?!

Like not even sun wukong the og anomaly in the entire existence of all celestial bodies combined who caused chaos in his wake before mk existence—and doesnt get that title??

It feels so much like lore Olympus except without the weird things that it has.

I feel so guilty but so much of the writer decision makes me hate mk existence especially w portrayal of his powers.(i was the same anon that went off about the portrayal of cultivation in lmk)

So many ppl stated it was there in the beginning but i just thought he was going to be the third celestial monkey not another stone monkey. I just dont think it was a good decision to have mk specifically be a stone monkey considering the questionability of swk involvement.

Plus it make mk be the “chosen one” status that take away who he was at the beginning. Im starting to think we should have not gotten a s4 bc of the headache it gives me.

Monkie Kid spoilers and general complaining below, so remember that "don't like don't read" goes both ways & feel free to skip.

Hmmm yeah I can see where you're coming from anon, although for me it goes a bit deeper in that I'm feeling pretty peeved that Flying Bark seems to be more and more leaning into the "uwu stupid chaos monkey" characterization for Sun Wukong. Like yeah yeah I know people balk at the mention of Journey to the West when it comes to Monkie Kid, and on a certain level I understand the changes since this is after all a cartoon for children, but one of the things that I love about og classic Sun Wukong that a lot of retellings including Monkie Kid just flat-out won't work with is the way that a lot--perhaps even the majority--of his acts of violence are very deliberate and even done for understandable reasons. Even the havoc in heaven, which seems to be the thing many people point to as an example of the Monkey King's chaotic nature, comes right after he spent almost fifty days roasting in the Eight Trigram Furnace and for him soon after being captured by a heaven that he refused to go to war with until the deities were literally breaking down his door and saying unless he surrendered for ruining one(1) festival and stealing immortality-granting treats then they were going to slaughter his entire family. So you can definitely see why, especially given Sun Wukong's awareness of his own power, he'd decide his conflict with heaven would only end, that he'd finally get respect from everyone and his family would finally be safe from everything, if he deposed the Jade Emperor and made himself the ruler of heaven. Obviously this backfires catastrophically thanks to the Buddha, but you can definitely see how this is less a case of Sun Wukong doing things because he's a chaotic monkey who loves to break stuff for shits and giggles and more because he's a ruthless warlord who cares about a select few & lives in a world where many others in positions of power act like ruthless warlords as well. It can't be forgotten, after all, that even the beloved Tang emperor is also specifically said to be someone who had countless people killed while he was forging his empire!

But going then to the massive rewrite of Xiyouji inherent in Monkie Kid, the whole "chaos!" thing just feels like yet another way for Sun Wukong & it seems MK by extension to be handed a massive L in terms of what their stories are. Like Flying Bark radically changed the havoc in heaven from SWK raging through the heavenly palace as part of a (gasp!) understandable wartime power struggle to him just stealing a bunch of stuff for himself before him & his former bros attack heaven, rather than heaven attacking them, which Macaque told him not to do but he did anyway because he was just that much of a uwu chaos monkey/thoughtless a-hole. And while I actually do like the idea of the stone SWK came from regenerating and creating even more stone monkeys, the way things have been set up it does seem to be working as another example of how Flying Bark keeps making SWK worse to make MK better in comparison, as well as likely lying the grounds for a massive confrontation between the two because yeah with his truth-seeing eyes how tf did SWK NOT know that MK was someone like him. As is, you can add that to the ever-growing pile of questions that FB refuses to answer, such as what exactly happened to the og pilgrims, why did SWK & the Demon Bull King have their battle, what happened between SWK and LEMH, why are LEMH & the Demon Bull King suddenly okay with SWK when he's the guy who they pretty clearly thought ruined their lives, how did MK go this long thinking he was just some guy instead of an ultra-powerful and destructive stone monkey, why did SWK exile himself for so long, why did the Monkey King even take on a tudi in the first place, if he did know MK was a stone monkey why didn't he say anything, etc. etc. etc. And yeah yeah I know the nature of storytelling is that information isn't revealed all the way at once, but it's been 4 entire seasons of just piling on the questions with the added bonus of everyone screaming about how much SWK sucks & is going to destroy everything (& the plot going out of it's way to prove that sentiment somewhat correct lol) so that now it feels a lot more like mystery mongering than revealing information in good time. Honestly it does put MK in this pretty sucky position too of both getting brutalized and traumatized over and over again specifically because of his connection to SWK, but also being used as this cudgel in the story to further beat in what a cringefail loser SWK is. Which is another thing that sucks, because MK is at his core a genuinely delightful and good-hearted protagonist. idk, kind of feels like he was meant to be the main character in a light-hearted show about doing your best & going on sillytime adventures with the Monkey King and is now forced to be the protagonist in an increasingly grimdark show where he routinely has to deal with the potential end of the entire world all while getting screamed at for inevitably being just as destructive as his terrible mentor :(

[aitavoting]

AITA for asking for a potential ride to my potential job?

So I (23f) and my mother (63f) have been butting heads about this for the last month. I have been looking for jobs since my seasonal position at a certain red and white craft store ended in december with no luck whatsoever. Since I don't have a car or license yet I've been having to limit my search to within 15 minutes of my house at the maximum so that my mother doesn't flip her lid about having to take me to work (which she does anyways but thats mostly because I can't get a job where she wants me to since they have a thing about family members working in the same building). But a couple weeks ago a certain interactive art exhibit company decided to put one of their exhibits at a mall i liked to go on dates, and since they aren't open yet i decided to apply as they were paying a pretty good wage, offered benefits and i would fit right in.

The only problem is that it's a half hour away without traffic. When i told my mother, she in semi-different words which still got the point across said that i was being an abusive, entitled asshole for applying and wanting to ask her and my sister (33f) to drive me to work on their days off and even said that if i want to work there i had better find my own place close enough to it. Except she drives that long to got to work herself and my sister drives almost that long every other day to take my niece to her extra curricular activities.

I tried to explain that she and my sister would only be driving me until i can drive myself but she never lets me get that far before exploding on me (as she does with any argument we have ever) and making baseless accusations about how the only place that has responded to my application out of the almost 100 I've put in, is the one I'm actually interested in and how suspicious it is, as well as implying that im just not trying hard enough to get a job or just don't want to get a job (instead of being screwed over by companies that only say they're hiring to keep up appearances while functioning on a skeleton crew) while i try not to lose my own head (I'll admit we are both a bit hotheaded) and explain to her that while shes been working in the exact same company in the exact same field and almost the exact same job for the last 25 years, the job market everywhere else has changed a lot especially during the recent pandemic and that it would be smarter for me to try to get this job at a place that pays well (almost as good as my sisters job pays), has benefits and is hiring an entire staff as its not open yet, and where i will get to work with a lot of like-minded people despite the half hour commute and the fact that she doesn't think it's "practical" or a "grown-up job" than it would be to not and continue applying to places with a more convenient commute but pay crap in comparison, offer very few to no benefits, has very few like-minded people to myself, are (i guess in her mind) "practical" and "grown up" and haven't even bothered to acknowledge that i have sent in multiple applications.

It got to the point that while she tried to use the multiple jobs she had in the past that she hated to invalidate my feelings about wanting to work somewhere different to my last three jobs because i hated them and got treated like crap by coworkers and customers alike, that i said that i was sorry but I didn't give a single solitary shit about the fact that she made herself miserable working in places she hated because they were convenient and they were paying money but since I haven't gotten a single response from anywhere else that is convenient that it would be a dumbass decision to not try to get this job.

[this story was submitted by @wildfire317]

Feel free to make your opinion be heard in the comments/reblogs but keep it respectful. For detailed information please read the guidelines for commenting. Violations will lead to your comment being deleted and you potentially being blocked.

[wafflechocobo]

Ballad of Never After Bonus Chapter Barnes and Noble Exclusive.

I couldn’t take good pictures so i typed it up to. The chapter starts below:

written in a note.

I heard you wanted a chapter from my point of view. I’d tell you to enjoy it, but I doubt you will. -J

Note ends

I don’t know what you’r hoping to find, but I guarantee, whatever you discover in my head, you won’t like it.

You might have heard stories that say my heart has started beating again, and while that may be true, a heartbeat changes nothing about who I am. If I had a choice, I’d rip my heart out entirely.

If you’re looking for pure motives, good reasons or anything else that has some sort of virtue attached, your not going to find it here. You’ll just end up like her—sweet little Evangeline Fox.

If I had any of those virtuous feelings, I might feel sorry for her as I follow her down another hall of this wretched castle. It’s dark and her movements are tense, flitting between mousy and rabbit quick. I think she senses i’m near, but she probably imagines if she ignores Ill go away.

I won’t.

I want this too badly and she’s not that lucky.

In fact, Evangeline might be one of the unluckiest people i’ve ever met. I told her that heroes don’t get happy endings. But watching her now, I’m fairly certain she’s trying to be heroic again.

Evangeline stops in front of a door that i know much better then she does. If she knew what was behind it, she wouldn’t be here.

It makes me wonder what she thinks is locked away.

I take a heavier step, loud enough that she should hear it. Her delicate shoulders stiffen. She pauses before the door and then turns around.

Her eyes find mine in the dark.

she sucks in a frightened breath.

I can’t help smiling, I doubt she cant see it with her fragile human eyes. But maybe she can because I hear her mortal heart pound.

Slowly, I step out of the dark.

“Go away, Jacks. “ Evangeline clutches her lantern like a sword. It’s almost cute that she things anything she says or dos could scare me off. “I know what you did, I don’t want to see you.”

I shove my hands into the pocket of my trousers. Human emotions can be so tedious. Although, for someone who says she doesn’t want to see me, Evangeline is doing a lot of looking.

She watches my every move. Her mouth clamped tightly. shut, but i still see her struggle. I see her taking me in, hoping she can find something good inside me. But perhaps she’s run out of her precious hope. The unguarded way she looks at me doesn’t last long. After a quick second, her eyes harden— or they attempt to. Even when Evangeline was stone, she was still soft. She cares too much, hopes too much, forgives too easily.

I cant tell she wants to hate me, she’s not quite there. I consider pushing her over the edge— I could easily make her hate me, which would make this dull night more interesting.

But I still need her willing blood. I make an effort to sound more human, softening my voice to something i hope sounds apologetic. “I understand if you’re upset—“

“If,” she cuts in. “You poisoned my husband!”

Im tempted to laugh. But I doubt she’ll be happy that I find her anger entertaining. Instead, I merely shrug.  “I didn’t kill him.”

“Thats not something you earn points for.” Her voice cracks, anger disappearing as quickly as it came. Hurt flashes across her face.

She thinks I hurt her. I didn’t . Any hurt she feels is her own fault. I’ve repeatedly told her what I am. But it seems she needs another reminder. “You need to stop holding me to human standards. I’m a fate.”

“That’s exactly why I don’t want to see you.” I think Evangeline wants to sound angry, but her voice hitches as if she’s about to cry. “Since I met you, my first love was turned to stone, I was turned to stone, Then I was turned into a fugitive, multiple people have tried to murder me, you poisoned my husband—“

“You already said that one.”

I sigh and lean against a nearby bookshelf, which successfully angers her again. “I’m not going to apologize for being what I am. And you’re conveniently forgetting that before we met, you were a sad orphan with a broken heart, a wicked  stepsister. After I stepped in, you became the sweetheart savior of Valenda, married a prince, and became a princess.”

“Those things only happened because they served your twisted interests. Children treat their toys better then you’ve treated me.”

Her gray eyes rake over me as if i’m a monster she would never touch. If that were true, she’d be better off, but I want her free hand betray the truth. It clamps into a fist. She’s angry enough to hit me—to hurt me. Either way, she still wants to touch me.

I can’t help taunting her now. I narrow my eyes, lowering them a little. “Then why didn’t you stab me, Little Fox? The other night in the crypt I threw you a dagger and I was close enough for you to use it.”

I let my gaze drop even lower, Down her slender neck, stopping on the exact place i put my mouth around three nights ago. If vampires weren’t such parasites, I would have bitten her. and I wouldn’t have felt bad about it. In fact, I know I would have enjoyed it. I bet good little Evangeline would have enjoyed it too. I almost say this out loud, but she already looks as if she’s in enough pain—for now.

I drag my gaze up from her neck. Even in the dim light, I can see her cheeks blush a delicious shade of red.

I watch her attempt to  banish the color as she dares to look me in the eyes again. “I made a mistake that night in the crypt. But give another chance and I wont hesitate to stab you.”

“I’m almost tempted to test that claim.” Now that there’s no risk of me becoming a vampire, it would be more fun to bite her and see just what she does. I can’t decide if she’d gasp or moan or forget to breathe altogether. But unfortunately, I’m not here fo fun. “You’ll have to do more then wound me if you wish to get rid of me.” If you really want me out of your live forever, help me find the missing stone and open the Valory Arch. Then I promise you’ll never see me again.

“As mush as i’d love that, I’m never going to open that arch for you.”

“What about Apollo?”

Evangeline glares, and for the first time her face looks truly hard. “Don’t you dare say his name.

I’m tempted to meet her glare with one of my own. I know Apollo far better than she does,  and I don’t like this protectiveness she feels for him. But talking her out of it would be counter to my goal.  “If you agree to help me, I’ll wake him from his suspended state.”

“If you actually believe I would do that, You’re delusional. I don’t need you to save Apollo. I’ve found another way.” She defiantly lifts her chin toward the sealed library door.

Her rebellious confidence is truly entertaining. I can’t help laughing at just how wrong she is. “You think you’ll find a cure for Apollo in there?”

“I know I will,” she says, but her defiance slips for just a second as she curiously eyes the apple in my hand. I was unaware I’d taken it from my pocket, but it’s a good reminder I need to leave soon. I sink my teach into it while she watches. Then I smile as I say “Let me know when you change your mind, Little Fox.”

[bread--quest]

ok so i want to post my observations/stories about my coworkers but obviously i don't want to dox them but also i can't just keep saying "my coworker" because a) that makes it sound like theres only one which would get confusing and b) what if theres multiple of them in a story. so i thought it over and decided the most simple american way was to rank them all by how much i like them and refer to them as such. if you are interested in hearing stories of my fun job adventures it will be helpful for you to internalize the following list:

coworker #1 (they/them): my favorite one. fellow intern. they're really cool. they taught me how to play speed (card game) and used they/them pronouns for me and lied to our boss once (told her we were talking about intern projects when we had actually been discussing ofmd). they have a tumblr and are really good at fashion. i have a crush on them and i hope they never find this post love and light

coworker #2 (she/her): also an intern! was on myspace right before it died and also on neopets. this garners her more respect from me then almost any of my actually older coworkers. from florida which is one point not in her favor but it's chill. i introduced her to picrew yesterday and she loved it

coworker #3 (he/him): one of the interpreters/tour guides. i thought he was like mid to late twenties until yesterday but he's actually 18 it's just that he has an entire beard and the manner and bearing of a camp counselor. anyway he's really nice and fun to talk to

coworker #4 (she/her): like the second-in-command after my boss kinda. she's pretty cool, comes around to check on everyone. wears sunglasses even though she doesn't seem like a person to wear sunglasses but she makes it work

coworker #5 (she/her): another of the interpreters. she's the youngest person here but very capable. she seems cool

coworker #6 (she/her): probably the oldest person here? she's really cool, talks for a bit too long sometimes but y'know she has a lot to talk about so i don't mind.

coworker #7 (she/her): older woman. seems nice

coworker #8 (she/her): my school librarian which is awkward. she keeps asking me about school stuff and im like im sorry School Sonder isnt here right now this is Work Sonder please call back later

coworker #9 (she/her): older woman. new here. very nervous about being new here. keeps making other people do a certain demonstration for her because she's not confident in it. i keep trying to explain the concept of "fake it (confidence) till you make it (through the demonstration)" to her but its not working

coworker #10 (he/him): a young adult with the energy of a teen boy who has just entered puberty. doesn't seem to have a sense of what's appropriate for what conversations always. funny in a "i would like to study him" kind of way

coworker #11 (he/him): middle-aged guy who talks a LOT about boats. has a lot of opinions on boats. may be from massachusetts. keeps trying to make suggestions to make our tours be more accurate (read: have more details about boats). his main redeeming quality is that he seems to have some level of self-awareness about the fact that he talks way too much about boats but he is making no effort to change this

my boss (she/her): separate from the others because she's my boss. she's pretty nice and i like her but i'm a little scared of her in the way youre scared of authority figures who you both want and need to like you. sometimes she assigns me projects and then forgets about them entirely which is honestly kind of relatable

archivist (she/her): on the same level as my boss but not actually my boss because i don't work in the archives so i'm not intimidated by her. very nice. likes doctor who. sometimes she stops talking mid-sentence and stares blankly ahead for like 10 seconds before resuming her sentence. i don't think anyone at this museum is neurotypical

[creepyjirachi]

im so deeply curious on how you wish su couldve ended. genuinely i would love to hear ur thoughts

oh good god. kendra if literally anyone else on the planet had sent me this ask i would have assumed they were heckling me. this is like diffusing a bomb.

okay. so i haven't watched the show in a long time, like literally since it was airing, and i never rewatched. so if i were going to have a specific Better Ending in mind, i would have to rewatch the whole show first to get reacquainted with all the lore. BUT.

mostly, i just would have liked the show to have had more time. rebecca sugar and the crew took a massive risk on the gay wedding, and they understood that the show could have been cancelled right there. and that basically happened. their priorities were what they were. they wanted it that badly. i get that. but, obviously, the ending was very rushed.

su has a lot of flaws, but one of the things they actually did very well was having characters who were complex people who evolved naturally over time. except for when they didn't do that. i thought the diamonds, all of them but especially white and yellow, had very bad arcs. their development was so fast it was almost instantaneous. they were built up for so long over the course of the series, and the stakes with them were super high. i didn't think their changes of heart were very realistic. it didn't make enough sense for who they were as people. and it all just happened so, so quickly. it just fell flat to me, and it felt unearned and insincere.

i also didn't like how the finale just kind of threw in all the loose ends for no reason. every remaining steven fusion, just like...... was there. even though in previous episodes, those would have been earned by exploring the relationships between the characters in a meaningful way. but, whatever. chuck them in, who cares, the show is cancelled. ugh.

and beyond the finale itself, i just didn't really like how certain characters were written towards the end? peridot became like, dumb comic relief when honestly her redemption arc was one of the best things the writers pulled off on the show. they just constantly beat rose quartz's corpse as well, which....... started out as a deconstruction of her image as a Perfect Sacrificial Hero. which i liked. i like rose. i like that she's this bizarre antihero who simultaneously saved the whole planet but also (unintentionally?) imploded everything around her. everyone on the show has a complicated relationship with her and her memory, and that's a good thing! but in the later seasons, we almost exclusively see her in a negative light, even compared to characters like the other diamonds who did WAY worse things and DIDN'T try to grow or change. the way her story was told just gave off the impression that she was a complete fraud, liar, and manipulator the entire time. which, in my opinion, she wasn't! she changed and grew profoundly over time, much like literally every other character. i just would have liked much more closure for rose's story, rather than using her for endless angst fuel when she's the only character who cannot speak for herself. but whatever. whatever!

final gripe: a lot of plus size women (including me before i figured out i was trans) found a lot of joy in rose quartz over the first couple seasons. she was this beautiful, powerful, beloved character who was fat. i saw a loooooot of posts back in the day about how grateful people were to see her on screen. and i'm not going to say that she should have remained one-dimensional or that making her complicated was wrong. but having her turn into The Devil Of The Show just...... hits me kinda wrong. i wouldn't go as far as to say it's bigoted or anything, but it just makes me sad. it's like giving a kid their first and only toy, only to reveal that the toy is full of spiders. like, ouch.

[hwanchaesong]

Ok ok im back I couldn't stop myself 😅

Ok hear me out. A song prompt because I am absolutely obsessed with your writing.

Seonghwa and the song Heather by Conan Grey but with a happy ending? 👀

Love youuu

a/n: heyy! issowkay, don't hold yourself back on me ;)) i have always considered heather to have an angsty ending, and your request literally changed my view about this song 🥲 aytss, tsym for requesting and i love youuu tooo!!! 🖤🤎🧡💛💜❤️💙💚🤍

👤: ATEEZ Park Seonghwa

📼: Heather - Conan Gray

genre & warnings: angst, fluff at the end, cursing, university au

word count: 812

for anyone who wants to, don't be shy and send me asks based on Prompts Request Song Version. Thank you so much!

"Shit, she's so pretty." Seonghwa whispered, his eyes following a certain figure that just walked in the cafeteria.

You tried to ignore the pang in your heart, choosing to support him in his love interest.

"Why don't you just go to her? Like actually talk and ask her out on a date." you suggested, making him look at you like you grew three heads.

"Are you kidding me? There's no way I can do that, she's way out of my league!"

He was quick to refute the idea, one that you can't blame him for.

Kim Dahyun, white as snow and pretty as a princess. The cherry on top is her angel-like personality.

That is the main reason why you knew that you couldn't compete with her when it comes to Seonghwa's affection.

You're nothing but a dust compared to her, and as much as it pains you, it's much better to accept reality than live in a deluded dream of having the man that you loved for so long reciprocate your feelings.

You weren't surprised when Seonghwa announced one day that him and Dahyun are dating. The whole campus congratulating them.

Expecting it did not make the situation less hurtful. Watching them act all lovey-dovey like the perfect couple they are.

You closed your eyes when the scene in front of you greeted you like it's the most normal thing to see in the morning.

Dahyun wearing the all too familiar sweater that you used to drape on your body a few months back, her hands holding onto Seonghwa and him wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

Moments like this made you feel like a villain in their love story, thoughts of 'What if she's not the picture, would the two of you be together instead?'

Your negative thinking was cut short when you felt a hand on your shoulder, looking over at your side, you saw Kim Hongjoong.

"Don't mind them and look at me instead."

He is a mutual friend that you met through Seonghwa, and you couldn't be more thankful for the amount of times he saved you from agony and heartbreak.

You smiled at him, one that he reciprocated before dragging you with him. An action that Seonghwa noticed from the peripheral of his eyesight.

Is there something going on with you and Hongjoong? You should've at least told him that, just to inform him if you're dating someone already.

"Is there something wrong? You look out of it." Dahyun's voice snapped him out of his stupor, giving her a frazzled smile and immediately denying her query.

She knotted her eyebrows together, letting go of Seonghwa's hand and looking at him intently.

"It's about Y/N, right?"

He was speechless for a moment, hesitant to where this conversation would go.

"Well, yeah. I was just thinking, I see her with Hongjoong a lot. Like, are they together? She could've told me about it."

He admitted, a comforting expression on his girlfriend's face made him anxious like hell.

"Then go to her." the girl pushed him, confusing him further.

"What?"

"You think I wouldn't notice?" she put her hands on her waist, raising an eyebrow at him.

"You talk about her all the time, you idiot. Almost all things that we come across remind you of her. But I think the deciding factor,"

She looked away, getting ready to drop the bomb on the man.

"Is right now, you're so bothered over the fact that someone that is not you is out there, making her feel like she's the only woman that matters in the world."

Fuck. She's right.

"So, you're saying that I should go to her?"

Dahyun nodded her head, "You must go to her."

And he did, springing to you and lucky for him, he saw you walking down the road.

"Y/N! Y/N!"

A voice called out for your name, halting your steps and turning on your heels to face the person.

"Seonghwa? What are you doing out here? Aren't you supposed to be with Dahyun?"

He approached you, catching his breath for a few seconds before shouting a confession like a madman.

"You are the prettiest girl in my eyes, would you let me kiss you?"

You think your close friend has finally gone insane.

"Seonghwa, stop this bullshit right now."

He enveloped his hands around yours, pupils shaking and every word he says is full of desperation.

"It's true! She just made me realize what I truly feel for you."

You don't know what to say or do, your mind is spinning and your vision is getting blurry with the amount of tears that are forming.

"She's your dream girl, you can't-"

"I like her better but I love you the most!"

No reply was given to him, how could you when his lips are on yours, sealing a deal that would last forever.

[taelme]

state of grace (1/2)

genre: office!au, (somewhat)exes-to-lovers!au, brother’s best friend!Johnny, magazine advice columnist!reader, photographer!Johnny (kind of hurt/comfort elements?, fluff, angst, johnny’s very much in love with reader, reader is j going through it)  pairing/s: Johnny / Reader (ft some of the neos and some OCs!)  word count: 30k (im sorry guys I told you long windedness is my love language and im very much in love with Johnny)  tw: coarse language?, some suggestive language... lmk if I missed out anything!  a/n: this is the second fic from my 'tswift songs for the neos' discourse on my Tumblr! I split it into 2 parts because it was really insanely long.... this one's mostly based off of state of grace (and a little few other easter eggs I've littered throughout the story). I'd love to hear if this story reminds u of other taylor swift songs lol, ill link to part 2 at the end! read on ao3 part 2 here!

“I don’t think you’ll wanna hear it… but I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t exist anymore. If I don’t tell you I think I might explode. I just… can’t keep ignoring it and pretending it's normal because it’s not for me.”

You allowed the familiar scene of that evening to sink in once again.

From the garden gate that was left open behind you, his mom’s olive tree looming overhead, the wildflowers that grew out from the ground tickling your ankles. The light from his phone that disappeared as he shoved it into his pocket upon seeing you. The humid air that lingered after the rain clouded your senses momentarily, like an invisible fog between the both of you. But nothing was clearer to you than the sight of the boy who had been lingering in your thoughts since Taeil invited him for thanksgiving dinner two years ago.

The sight of his hair long enough that it was peeking out from his grey beanie, his large hoodie almost dwarfing his size, too-long sweatpants that covered half his feet, his hand that traced the outline of his phone in his pocket and his tired eyes that looked at you with a mix of emotions you couldn’t read, but you knew they weren’t good emotions.

“Bad news?” he murmured, defeat in his tone accompanied by a certain sense of resignation, as if he’d received nothing but bad news these days (because it was true).

You nodded, “The worst,” your toes curled and uncurled as you glanced briefly away from him, releasing a long breath that didn’t seem to do anything other than make you feel even more breathless, your adrenaline already high from having snuck out of your house while Taeil was in the living room half-asleep watching the matrix.

“The worst?” he echoed, disbelief in his tone.

You nodded firmly, “That you’ll ever hear.”

His gaze was determined, mustering whatever strength he had left in him to brace himself for the worst possible words that could come from your mouth.

“What is it?” he dared to ask.

This probably wasn’t a good idea.

You knew what could happen, you knew the worst-case scenario, especially after you found Rina crying in the movie theatre an hour after her movie ended while you were working a night shift. Even so, you were never one to mince your words.

“I love you.”

“Huh?” his eyebrows knit into a frown. You were riding on pure adrenaline now, mustering a louder voice as you confessed your love for him again.

Just like that, his expression changed to one of frustration, all determination disappearing from his gaze. And with that, so did your adrenaline.

Scrunching his eyes shut, he shook his head, a soft curse leaving him, looking everywhere for what seemed like the longest time before he’d finally met your gaze again.

“That’s not… you can’t,” he murmured.

At this point, you weren’t even sure if you were breathing.

“I tell you I love you, and you’re trying to tell me if I can or can’t? What’s wrong with yo—”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” he pressed his lips into a tight line, “But I’m moving, Y/N. And it’s not as if I'm just moving states! I’m moving halfway across the world. I don’t even know when’s the next time I'll be back…”

His gaze was pleading, his tone gentle, the same voice he used whenever you cried. Only then did you realise your vision was blurry, you’d just assumed you were on the verge of passing out.

“Look, sweetheart… i’m not… fuck, this is just really bad timing,” he began, each word seeming to flit around your brain, forming shapes, being pushed and pulled, but not being processed in the slightest bit.

You felt like a child, wondering why hearing him call you sweetheart was so warm when all his other words that followed didn’t seem to match. You felt as if you were five years old again finding out your parent had to go on a business trip. The childlike solution was simple; you could just wait for him to come back, right?

“And I know you’re gonna say you can wait for me to come back but I’m telling you now that even I don’t know when that’ll be. If you do that… if you wait, there’s a very high chance that you’re gonna stop yourself from falling in love with and being loved by someone else,” he sighed, “Someone who can be there for you… who cares deeply for you… and can confidently and endlessly tell you and show you that they… love you too,” he trailed off into a bare murmur.

The more he spoke, the more you felt your hurt start to spread into your limbs, wanting for nothing more than for him to break out into a grin, giggle and tell you that he was just kidding.

But he didn’t.

Your body didn’t seem to recover from this feeling of being slowly shut down, aware but asleep at the same time. Not even when he’d walked closer to you, close enough that you could smell the coffee he’d drank half an hour ago and you were finally staring straight into his remorseful gaze. It was a shame how even then as you looked into his eyes, you would’ve wanted to describe them as loving.

Just days before, if he were standing so close to you like this, you were sure he would've placed one of his hands against your neck, traced his thumb over the skin of your cheek and leaned over to let his lips trace your jaw down to your neck with soft kisses that always left a buzzing static lingering in its wake.

But this time was different. He brought his hand up to your neck, the cold touch of his skin against your neck as he brought the pendant on your necklace chain from behind your neck to it’s front, his other hand adjusting the chain so the clasp was at the back of your neck, letting his touch linger at the base of your neck where he saw the faintest of marks where your collarbone began.

He sighed.

“I’m sorry. I really am,” he pressed his lips tightly together, his hands cupping your face gently, letting out another deep sigh, “My sweet girl, you deserve nothing short of the best… and I’m not someone that can give you all of that right now.”

===

You woke up to the familiar feeling of heaviness and dread in your body. Except this time, it was for a different reason.

Groaning, you glared at your phone and the bright orange snooze button in the middle of the screen, reluctantly bringing your finger over to press the ‘stop’ button instead, rolling around and relishing in the feeling of your weighted blanket (a gift from your mom for your birthday two years ago) over your body, tempting you to return to your slumber.

Sitting up on your bed, you sighed, glancing at the glow-in-the-dark star that fell off your ceiling and onto your bedroom floor while you were asleep. Pretending it was a shooting star, you made a wish.

Please help me get through today.

You met your co-worker Chenle outside the café nestled under your apartment building, thanking him with a grateful sigh when he’d handed you a little paper bag containing a freshly baked croissant.

It was a routine of sorts, ever since a year ago when you decided you’d rather settle for more sleep time if it meant all you were sacrificing was skipping out on queueing for a drink at an overcrowded café in the morning. You would be lying if you said it wasn’t also because the smell of coffee wasn’t something you enjoyed for what felt like the longest time.

“Good morning,” you mumbled over a mouthful of your croissant.

“What’s so good about it?” he responded habitually (Chenle actually loved mornings, he just loved inside jokes more).

“It’s 67 days till Christmas, and 12 days till Halloween,” you added. Chenle was always way too invested in your office halloween parties.

Chenle had lit up at that, “You’re right, that’s a very good thing. I’m still collating my list of iconic duos we could go as for this year’s party, but you probably don’t care.”

You snickered, “I’d much rather leave the costumes and everything to you, I’ll go as whatever you decide on.”

His gaze flickered momentarily over your clothes.

“Nice outfit. Is it new?”

“Nah, found these in my closet when I was cleaning the other day. It’s not too formal, is it?”

Chenle snickered, “That’s not a problem. It makes your ass look good.”

“As if I want you looking at my ass,” you rolled your eyes, taking another bite from your croissant.

Shrugging, Chenle grinned, “Just looking out for you,” he sing-songed.  

You huffed, a small smile on your face that lingered as you greeted the elderly man running the newsstand, not being able to help but let your gaze flicker onto the many copies of this month’s edition of Season Magazine.

“Did you see the article I sent you?”

You scoffed, not being able to help the giggle that left you, “Which one? You sent like fifteen. I only looked at yours, though.”

Chenle grinned, “Good, ‘cause I was talking about mine. What d’you think?”

You sighed at the sight of the swarms of people waiting at the traffic light, tugging your coat tighter around yourself as you folded your arms.

“It was fun. I actually thought ‘The Rock’ would’ve ranked higher than Daniel Craig,” you hummed, referring to Chenle’s little article where he ranked action film stars based on how attractive the staff working for your magazine thought they were (and with reasons to back their choices up, too).

Scoffing, he took a sip of his latte, waving you off in dismissal, “You’re just saying that ‘cause you haven’t watched enough Bond movies.”

You grimaced, the memory of the halloween when you were in your first year of college, Taeil dressing up as a bond girl and his James Bond being… you dismissed the memory quickly.

“Whatever, neither of them placed in the top three anyway.”

“What were the other articles you sent me?” you hummed, watching the green man light up and the crowd begin to move, the crunch of gravel under your heeled boots drowned out by the chatter of conversations all around you.

“It was about the exhibition they’re having tonight at The Commune? The one by that photographer we’ve been trying to collab with for ages. You know, the freelance guy that covered the street style for fashion week that blew up,” he told you as if he’d already told you a million times, “It’s gonna be his first time making a legit public appearance so everyone’s dying to get on the guest list. Rumour has it, he’s pretty hot.”

You rolled your eyes. The mention of photography alone was enough to trigger you from wanting to pursue that line of thought, remembering the many times you’d had the lens pointed at you, many of those photos you never ended up actually seeing. You weren’t quite sure if you wanted to see them, anyway.

“That’s what they always say,” you rolled your eyes, “then when you actually go, you’ll find out it’s some mean old bearded guy that doesn’t give a shit about our poor little women’s magazine. Hard pass, I might have to help my brother with his moving.”

Chenle’s eyebrows raised in surprise, “Taeil’s moving? He never told me.”

You couldn’t help the laughter that escaped your lips.

“Is he supposed to? Even I barely know what he’s doing nowadays, and he’s my brother. He didn’t give me any details, though, all he told me was that he bought a new apartment closer to his office.”

Shrugging, Chenle brought his cup to his lips to take another sip, “maybe I should call him,”  expression contorting in dismay when he remembered what he wanted to ask you.

“Anyway, why don’t you wanna come for the exhibition? Season gave us VIP passes, so you’ll have access to the bar,” he wiggled his eyebrows at you, as if alcohol was enough incentive to willingly enter a night of ‘networking’.  

You scoffed, “If I wanted to spend hours explaining what I do for a living over and over again, I would just go on a Bumble date.”

“C’mon,” Chenle groaned, “It's The Commune on a Friday night. Who knows who you might meet there! Maybe—”

“Doyoung?” You snickered. The social media specialist in your magazine looked as though that was his idea of a Friday Night Out.

“—today’ll be the day that you finally meet someone who doesn’t judge the fact that you write for an advice column even though you haven’t dated in like ten years—”

“Seven,” you corrected, with just the slightest hint of bitterness to your tone, earning a burst of hyena-like laughter from Chenle.

“You’re not doing a very good job at selling yourself, you know.”

You groaned, shoving him.

“That’s because I'm not trying to—”

“This is why your Bumble dates don’t go well.”

“—Anyway,” you glared at him, “I’ll see how my mood is by the end of the day before I decide if I wanna go, but don’t get your hopes up. I’ll need to check with Taeil first, anyway, to see if he still needs my help.”

Chenle giggled, a satisfied smile on his face as he nodded, linking arms with you as you walked, “I’ll save a ticket for you.”

You took a deep breath of fresh (or, as fresh as air could be with this many vehicles in the street) air at the sight of your office building, the sleek-looking building with a dark marbled exterior (you could practically feel the air conditioning just by looking at the building). Parting ways with Chenle, who’d gone to disturb the new intern Jisung who he saw as you passed the print room, you headed to your desk on your own.

Ignoring the way your eye was starting to twitch, you scrunched one eye shut, scrolling through the document where you were working on the reply for one of your readers’ submissions that you were nowhere near started with.

You were currently working at a pace where you could get your replies up twice a week, and though you were already riding on this momentum for a year, you figured this was the part of your work that was glaringly different from Chenle’s.

His specialty lay in writing his borderline-gossipy entertainment articles, and God knows no one is bothered enough to fight him if he puts up an article about whatever up-and-coming celebrity people are fixated on but for you… it wasn’t so simple.

When people came to you with their problems, you would reply as truthfully as you could, inserting your own relevant personal experiences along the way. But writing on such a personal and vulnerable level takes a toll on you, especially when you got met with so many comments about accommodating to specific audiences, or not phrasing a certain thing in a way that was ‘neutral’ enough, or so many different solutions other people had in mind that were better than yours (as they would say so in the forum).

You needed to be as truthful and objective as you could, yet not compromise on your own thoughts and ideas and those of the magazine, but most of all, you wanted to be safe. And if that meant having to reply dryly or with as little connection to your personal experiences as possible, you guessed you would do that. You gave your best, cookie-cutter, politically correct answers as possible.

But you couldn’t help the little nagging within you that felt like a hypocrite each time you dished out this advice (that perhaps, you would never have taken for yourself).

Letting out a deep sigh, you used your fingers to scroll up to look at the subject of the email that read ‘Help! I bumped into my first love again’ that left you feeling all sorts of nostalgia.

‘Hi Moony! I’ve been reading your column ever since you started at Season and I just wanted to say that I really really gained a lot of strength and guidance from your advice. I hope this season has been treating you well! The colder weather’s been reminding me of home. Speaking of which, I used to have a huge crush on this guy in the Varsity Football team in my college, and we were friends with benefits for a while but we fell out of contact when he started dating someone else in our senior year. We had a really strong connection that I can’t even begin to describe, it was as if we knew what each other wanted and needed without having to say it out loud. But it confused me because we started doing things that fwb’s don’t usually… do, like meeting up just to cuddle or he’d call me up late at night just to talk. I just couldn’t really help but assume that our relationship was progressing into something more than just physical at that time, which is why i’ve never really managed to fully get over the hurt i felt when he told me he was seeing someone else (and the part of me that longs for what could’ve been). I’ve tried dating other people but the dating scene when you’re in your thirties isn’t exactly the most forgiving… I can’t seem to shake the part of me that longs for the chance to feel that passion, excitement and the security of being loved like that again. It was almost like the feeling of being known. It’s been a decade-ish since we graduated, but I met him again at my college reunion dinner. It sounds a little crazy but I felt like that was the universe giving me my chance to start over. He’s a single parent now and he’s been divorced for three years, and he said he wanted to meet up to catch up and reconnect. I’m single and not seeing anyone at the moment, but do you think I should contact him? I’m at a point in my life where I’m really looking to find someone I want to build a life with… a part of me is scared of getting hurt again but I can’t help but get the gut feeling that it’s worth a second chance. Please help!

Sincerely, Out of my Wits.’

First loves… that was something you figured you had a PhD in. Seven years, like you told Chenle just that morning. It’d been seven years since you last saw your first love; seven years since that night in the garden where your heart had seemed to have decided that it was just going to stop trying. Since him, no one else seemed to be able to stick around long enough to get past a talking stage. You were always too dull, too boring, too high-strung, too distracted, too messy. It was as though they had an idea of who you were in their heads when they saw you or heard about your reputation, but seemed to think it was just too much once they found out you had emotional needs too.

You sighed, tapping your fingernail on your desk, your leg bouncing in an anxious habit.

All those success stories you read in your time working for your column about readers falling for their brother's best friend and having a wonderful happy ending together remained as just that; stories.

“Dear OOMW, Don’t do it. Seriously. Learn from me and just don’t even bother. The hurt of another goodbye always lingers longer than the bliss you feel from another hello.’ You wanted to write. Perhaps you would’ve, but you knew that was probably just your bitterness talking.

Staring at the sentence, you shook your head, multiple possible comments and angry messages that would have resulted from that paragraph, making you select all of the text and delete it.

Re-typing your response out, you were momentarily drawn from your thoughts at the sound of your phone vibrating on your desk, caller id alerting you that it was your older brother, Taeil.

“What?” you answered, leaning back in your chair and crossing your legs.

“Nothing, I just wanted to tell you that I found a box of your old CDs in my storeroom.”

You gasped, almost being able to picture the multitude of CDs you’d dumped into the box together with some of your clothes and miscellaneous objects you’d found when you were packing with Taeil, the box must’ve ended up with his stuff instead of yours when you both first moved into the city together.

“Oh my God, I think I know what’s in that box, I completely forgot about that.”

Taeil let out an amused huff, “Yeah… it’s fine, you can just come by and take it when you’re free. I didn’t open it, though, in case you had some weird shit inside.”

“Yeah, totally, ‘CD’s’ would be the label I choose to hide all my deep dark secrets,” you snorted, “How’s moving?”

You heard Taeil huff, clearing his throat gently, “Honestly, the more I look at the empty apartment the more I don’t feel like moving. Too many memories here.”

You hummed, quick to dish out your own advice to him here too, “You shouldn’t entertain that. It’s only gonna grow stronger the more you dwell on it.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s like, you know, sometimes, I feel like I’m holding onto the memories more than looking at it for what it was… a painfully located apartment with a shitty landlord, equally as shitty heating and my ex on the third floor.”

Your eyes lit up, grunting in triumph as you rapidly typed down what you were saying, using your shoulder to keep your phone held against your ear.

“Thanks! You helped me remember what I was gonna type.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot you were at work,” Taeil let out an amused huff.

You sighed, “Yeah, you know me, I love my nine-to-five,” the sarcasm in your tone reminded Taeil of a certain something (or someone) he’d been procrastinating telling you about.  

“Um, anyway, I wanted to tell you that you don’t need to help me move anymore.”

You hummed, preoccupied with typing down whatever you had in your head before you could forget it again.

“Somebody else helping you?” you asked, tapping your fingernail on the space button lightly.

You heard Taeil let out a low hum, “Uh, yeah about that. That ‘somebody’s actually—”

You felt a harsh kick at your shoe, your eyes darting up from your computer to see your co-worker gesturing wildly for you to end your phone call with her eyes wide and frantic.

“She’s calling you!” your co-worker whispered harshly.

It was as if your fight or flight instinct had kicked in, rushing to grasp your phone in your hands.

“Wait, Taeil, sorry I need to go! Tell me another time!” you ended the call, dumping your phone on your desk and standing up as you heard your name getting called.

“Y/N, my office please,” your boss, Mrs Kang, in all her black-blazer-on-black-blouse-on-black-pants glory hadn’t bothered to wait for your response as she continued sauntering in the direction of her office.

Standing up, you rushed after her, brisk walking as you fixed your appearance, not wanting to give her anything she could comment on.

Finally reaching her office, she’d seated herself at her desk, letting you close the door and assume your position standing before her desk with your hands clasped in front of you.

Mrs Kang’s age was unknown to anyone in your office, though you were sure she couldn’t have been older than 50. Her face held only the faintest of frown lines, crow’s feet that formed at her eyes when she smiled, her hair always styled and proper, exuding elegance with her every move. Regardless, she was respected, firstly for her unique point of view, second for her power with her mother being Season’s founder.

“What did you want to see me for?”

She smiled, her reaction putting you at ease slightly (emphasis on slightly).

“Have you seen the posts in your forum?”

Your eyes widened, shaking your head.

“No, actually. I haven’t. Did something happen?”

Mrs Kang hummed, “The readers… they’re getting bored. They want longer articles. More depth. I agree too, I read some of the recent ones… and, I don’t know, it feels like there’s something… missing.”

Depth, huh. You guessed you understood why. For a while now, skimming the surface was your idea of ‘safe’. Depthwasn’t exactly a priority of yours, because depth was exactly where all the ugliness and messiness came out, where you would find mind-numbing feelings and tough truths you weren’t ready to face yourself. Everything about it felt risky.

“I’ll work on it,” you replied almost habitually.

There was an almost glazed over look in her eyes but it disappeared before you could say anything else. Mrs Kang straightened up in her seat, letting out a deep breath through her nose.

“You know, Y/N. I always say this, we humans are social beings. We crave connection,” she emphasised her words pointedly, “your job is to build that connection through your words and your voice.”

You nodded, holding her gaze as you let out a small sigh.

“I understand. I’ll continue working on that.”

She gave you a tight-lipped smile, nodding, the same glazed over look taking over her as if she were sifting through a list of what else she’d wanted to talk to you about.

“I had a conversation with Zhong Chenle this morning, he mentioned that you would be taking the other ticket for the exhibition tonight?”

Your eyes widened. Dammit Chenle, now you have no choice but to go.

“The exhibition?”

“Yes, the one at The Commune?” she supplied, as if you should have known.

You wanted to groan. Who was this photographer that people seemed to know about this exhibition without even needing to say his name?

Your smile was sheepish, awkwardly huffing out a laugh, “Actually, I haven’t really decided if I wanted to go—”

“I was hoping that you could help him to reach out to the photographer? It’s been extremely difficult trying to schedule a meeting because of how picky he is with who he works with, but I know you,” she gestured a hand to you with a knowing smile, “I know how personable you can be. So, I hope you can do this much for Season.”

You sighed, trying to mask your resignation with a polite smile. The last time you checked, you were sure recruiting picky photographers wasn’t part of your job scope.

“Sure is a big responsibility riding on just me and Chenle,” you muttered, “But I’ll try my best.”

Mrs Kang’s gaze searched your expression for a moment, her smile sickly sweet and unwavering.

“Who knows what opportunities might open up for you once we manage to sign him,” she added, intent laced in her tone. That was the thing you could never really prepare yourself for, she always knew exactly which of your buttons to push.

So, in other words, all that was standing in the way of you getting to take on more projects was this picky, kind of elusive, supposedly hot but possibly old mean misogynistic and bearded photographer?

“Right,” you muttered, clasping your hands tighter.

“I trust you’ll do what’s necessary,” she nodded, “Oh, and dear? Feel free to let loose a little tonight. You look tired,” she gestured casually to her under eyes before pointing at you.

Of course, you were tired.

Brushing off the thought of whether your dark circles really looked that bad, you settled for a smile, nodding at her as you began backtracking out of her office.

“Y/N,” she prompted, making you halt in your steps, “Don’t forget what we talked about. Remind me why I gave you that column.”

You mustered a tight-lipped smile, “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks, Mrs Kang.”

She nodded, waving you off and letting you head back to your desk where you saw Chenle seated, enjoying a snack you were sure he’d stolen from your drawer as he stared at the computer screen.

“Get off my chair,” you shoved him lightly, glancing at the computer screen to see your reply (font enlarged now) on the screen.

“Wow. I don’t even have issues with my exes but I feel like you just helped me get the ‘ick’ for my high-school crush.”

A giggle bubbled from your lips at his dramatic praise, supporting your weight with your hands on the back of your chair, leaning your head down to rest on the back of your hand, your lips close to his ear.

“Don’t think this means I forgive you for what you told that woman, by the way.”

Turning to you, Chenle’s smile was sheepish as he turned to face you, shoulders hunching slightly as he brought his hands in front of him in a begging motion as you lifted your head from your hand, though the way his lips curled in amusement was unmistakable.

“Dude! She was right in front of my face grilling me about my next article, I had to get the attention off of me somehow.”

Getting up from your chair, he continued bowing at you in a (rather amused) apology, making you shake your head at him.

“I guess I'll survive. It’ll just be one night, anyway. Let’s just go on time so I can make the most out of the freeflow champagne.”

Chenle clapped you on the back loudly, “That’s the spirit!”

===

You should’ve paid attention to the way your heart had stopped (even if it was just for a moment) when you saw the posters outside the exhibition.

Sunflower Avenue. Sunflower Avenue. Sunflower Avenue.

It was like a bell, chiming over and over again, overlapping with each sound, chiming simultaneously, repetitively, consecutively. Harsh echoes like those of giant church bells that tower over the city. Commanding your attention with each ring.

It wasn’t special, per se. The Sunflower Avenue you knew was just a simple street in your neighbourhood, lined with houses that held the families of people who were the only network you had when you were in high school. It wasn’t a special street, if you defined specialness by the amount of facilities, the touristy appeal of the place. But it was familiar; it was special to you.

Seven years ago, it was all you wished to hear.

That little text of ‘Sunflower?’ was always a prelude to a night or an evening or morning of giddy excitement. Now, simply looking at the street right in front of you on professional posters was enough to make you feel sick to your stomach.

“Sunflower…” Chenle hummed, linking his arm with yours as he snapped a quick picture of the poster with his phone, “do you think it’s a metaphor for something? I’ve never heard of a street with that name before.”

You shook your head, shrugging, “I don’t know. Let’s just go in.”

Walking in, you were greeted by the smell of champagne, the blended mix of perfume and cologne from the sheer amount of people here (mostly women, you noted). Scrunching your nose up as you took in your surroundings, you couldn’t help but feel frozen to the spot.

The entrance to the exhibition felt cold, white walls with big bold lettering were all you noticed at first.

‘See through my eyes’ the lettering read. You would’ve scoffed if you weren’t so on-edge, knowing it was most likely that you weren’t going to end up meeting a mean old bearded man tonight.

“Are you sure the guy’s  even gonna be here?” you muttered, Chenle trying to placate you by handing you a flute of champagne.

“Yeah, obviously. What photographer doesn’t go to their opening night? C’mon, stop stalling. Let’s go in.”

Chenle pulled you along to a set of photos on the wall, your gaze flickering to the first set of 9 postcard-sized photos that were above a crumpled receipt with a phone number written on it.

Something about the photos had unnerved you. They were almost documentary-like, yet something felt cold about it, almost detached. Personal, yet… foreign.

Black, white and grey, hints of colour only in things like flowers or people. Laundry hanging from the clothing line. A spinning fan hanging from a ceiling that looked almost on the verge of caving in. It wasn’t making you feel anything, but it confused you, what exactly he was trying to say when he took these photos.

“Do you see him?” Chenle murmured, his gaze scanning the crowd intently.

You huffed, “You act like I know who I’m supposed to be looking out for,” switching your now-empty glass for another gratefully as one of the coordinators dressed in black had offered them to you.

“You can drink my share, by the way, I wanna be sober when I see this guy. I need the full experience,” he added, his arm still linked with yours, his hand fiddling with the cuff of your blazer absently.

You let out a low whistle, eyebrows raising as you ignored the judgy look you were getting from a teenager next to you.

“Gladly,” you smiled, taking a long sip of champagne and sighing in content.

“I don’t think he’s here… let’s try somewhere inside,” Chenle leading the both of you deeper into the exhibit.

As you watched the pictures change, the feeling of detachment they caused in you had been replaced with an indescribable feeling of unshakeable familiarity as you looked at this new set of photos on display.

You weren’t sure if it was your mind playing tricks on you, or whether it was that you really did see some of these pictures before.

A grainy picture of a dandelion, a plant nursery, a family at the beach watching the sunset, a vineyard. It was unmistakable, the feeling of déjà vu you’d experienced looking at those photos, even if your memory was hazy. The feeling of looking through a very familiar lens.

Somehow, it really felt as though you were looking through someone else's eyes, but not just anyone. This perspective made you feel as though you had been there in those same moments, as if they were your own perspective but… shifted, and that didn’t even begin to make sense in your head.  

“What did you say this guy’s name was, again?” you murmured, somehow not being able to tear your gaze from the pictures, the only thing keeping you grounded being the weight of Chenle’s arm around yours.

Chenle hummed, “John? Forgot his surname.”

You nodded slowly, even though you were violently shaking your head mentally. There were many ‘John’s in the world, you were sure.

As if the universe was trying to refute you, you noticed the handwritten scrawl on the wall beside the photos.

‘Times of ‘should have’s’

Again, the feeling of déjà vu. The cursive slant of the letters’, the jumbled mumble of letters together, the way the ‘S’s looked like inverted number 2’s.

You took in a deep breath in a futile attempt to ease your breathlessness, not having time to process what you were feeling before Chenle dragged you even deeper into the building.

“I saw a sign saying there’s a video screening downstairs,” he explained, pace quickening as he slipped through the empty spaces between the groups of people with ease, while your champagne threatened to spill over with how much his movements were jerking you from side to side.

The way the screening room worked was that there was a simple bench in the middle, almost like a park bench. People were allowed to go in four at a time (or as many as they supposed the bench would be able to seat) to view the video. Luckily for you and Chenle, your special passes, courtesy of the lovely Season Magazine, had somehow meant that the both of you were able to view it privately.

Situating the both of you on the bench, the usher closed the curtains.

There were a billion different photos on a loop in the video, photos coming and going faster than you had time to process them. As you watched, it was as if your heart was on a gyro drop, slowly being brought higher and higher into the air, anxiety flooding through you because the impending drop was driving you crazy.

“What does the thing on the wall say?” you asked, frowning, your gaze fixed intently on the video.

You caught a glimpse of the familiar street sign of ‘Sunflower Avenue’. A garden gate. A teddy bear keychain hanging from a rearview mirror. An empty coffee cup. It was like the chest of memories you kept locked for seven years was now exploding in your face all at once.

You’d never felt more sober.

“Death… by a thousand cuts,” Chenle told you simply, not having to move from the bench to be able to read the little plaque clearly.

“It’s supposed to be a thousand photos looping here…” he explained, leaning back in his seat and staring at the video, a deep sigh leaving him after what felt like a year-long silence, or rather, the duration of a single video loop that was somehow supposed to encompass those years-worth of emotions.

“Man,” Chenle huffed, shoulders slumping, “I don’t know about you but this is making me really sad.”

You scoffed, standing up abruptly. Bringing your champagne flute up to your lips, you downed the rest of its contents.They were just photos, they had no right killing your buzz for the night.

“Yeah, enough of that. Let’s not get distracted from what we actually came here for,” you rolled your shoulders back.

“Done?” Chenle asked, earning a nod from you.

Hearing a chime from his phone, you let him link arms with you again as he led you out of the screening area. Chenle was too preoccupied with looking at his messages to notice the way your previous resolve had practically disappeared into thin air. Averting your gaze from the photos hung up all around you, you chose to fix your gaze on any blank space of wall you could find instead.

“Oh my God, okay, finally,” he huffed, “I just got some insider information,” Chenle tapped your hand repeatedly, a little giggle slipping from his lips.

“Apparently, he’s in this section… I think…” he frowned at his phone, eyes rapidly rereading his messages, “Wait, no yeah I’m right, it’s this section. One of my… acquaintances is talking to him so we just have to find him to find the guy.”

You shook your head, trying to pull your arm out of where it was wrapped around his, suddenly not feeling as confident about meeting this photographer.

“Actually, I kind of need to pee. Why don’t you just go ahead and I’ll be like right back before you know it.”

“No, you might miss him! Hold your pee,” Chenle insisted, tugging you along.

“I mean, either way, don’t you think it’ll like… ruin the magic of the exhibition if we knew who was—” you continued with your attempts to dissuade him.

“That’s bullshit. If he’s as hot as they say he is, imagine how much more magical it would be.”

Chenle wasn’t planning on taking no for an answer, obviously, not after he’d spent ages talking to someone he didn’t even like just so he could find this guy. Grabbing your hand, he  (with all the determination in his body) led you towards the last segment of the exhibit, the white light changing to a warmer lighting now as you spotted the little scribble of ‘my favourite’ on one of the walls.

You grimaced, hearing Chenle call out someone’s name, straightening up almost instantly from the sheet tension in your body.

Practically brisk walking over to the standing table where his friends stood, you felt your mind go into red alert as the gyro drop your heart was on had seemingly been triggered, feeling as though your heart were falling faster than ever.

“Chenle! This is John. John, this is my friend Chenle and his colleague Y/N. They both work at that women’s magazine, Season.”

The memories of seven years ago that were plastered all over the walls of the room you were standing in were now here, manifested in front of you, looking at you with evident surprise in his eyes. John. John Seo.

Johnny.

Again, chiming in your head like bells. All at once, one after the other, ringing in your ears like static. Commanding your attention.

The street sign where you would arrange to meet when there was no one else and nothing else on your minds except each other. The garden gate you would sneak through to meet him without anyone knowing. The teddy bear keychain he bought you that was a permanent fixture on his rearview mirror, that you insisted for him to keep there for company on his drives. The empty coffee cup that was left in the sink before he would wake you up with playful kisses, after his morning coffee had left its imprint on his lips, tongue, and breath.

Johnny’s stare was fixed on you, looking almost as stunned as you were, offering Chenle a handshake even while he kept his gaze on you.

His hair was longer now, covering the nape of his neck, back to it’s natural black colour, curlier than before, almost covering his wide eyes.

You barely realised Chenle’s ‘friend’ had left.

“Hey, really love the exhibition, dude. Was there a specific inspiration behind it?” Chenle asked, oblivious to the silent conversation you and Johnny were having.

Finally tearing his gaze away from you, he turned to flash Chenle a bashful smile.

“Any guesses?” He turned the question back to Chenle, whose eyes lit up. Chenle loved games, even tiny, trivial ones.

“Honestly? I kind of got the vibe of a breakup, or losing someone you love.”

Johnny’s eyebrows raised, an impressed hum leaving him.

“Truth be told, it’s actually a lot more than that, but I think it's something only myself and… the person involved will understand,” he turned his gaze back to you, giving you a once-over, a knowing lilt to his tone.

He still sounded the same as before.

You swallowed, trying to ease the sudden dryness in your throat. You were trying, but you couldn’t seem to come back to your body, feeling as though you were watching yourself from a third-person’s perspective, reliving that moment at his garden like a recurring dream.  

Was it because he wasn’t acknowledging you? Was it because he wasn’t telling Chenle that you know each other? (or knew, at least) Did you even want people to know about you two? Or was it about something else entirely? The strange feeling of exposure at having your memories put on display like this? Or the fact that the both of you had never officially dated in the first place? Or the fact that he was standing in front of a picture that you vividly remember taking of him?

You let your gaze wander to the blown up image of his silhouette, blanket messily strewn over his bare chest, his hair flattened over the pillow and his hand coming up towards the camera. You could almost hear the ‘You could at least let me teach you how to use it first’ he’d giggled out when you grabbed the film camera from his bedside table.  

You didn’t know how much longer you could spend here before bursting into tears.

Chenle, bright smile still plastered on his face, had leaned over to nudge you lightly, muttering through his teeth, “Dude, is it just me… or is he checking you out? I told you this outfit made your ass look good—”

You nudged him away from you, glaring at him.

“So, you guys are colleagues?” Johnny asked, keeping his gaze fixed on you as though Chenle wasn’t even there.

No ‘how have you been?’, no ‘i missed you’. That helped to draw you back to reality. You were here for one reason and one reason only: to work.

Nodding, Chenle rested a hand on your shoulder leisurely, the feeling seeming to ground you slightly, dissipating your temptation to run out of the gallery at this very moment.

“Yeah! We’re writers. I mostly do entertainment-related stuff, but Y/N here has her own advice column,” Chenle smirked, satisfied with the topic he’d just injected into the conversation. “Advice column, huh. What kind of advice?” Johnny turned to you, curiosity laden in the glint of his eyes, his gaze momentarily flickering to Chenle’s hand on your shoulder and back to you.

Right. Maybe what irked you was also the knowledge that he was what was standing between you and your possible promotion.

“Anything, dude! You can go and check it out if you want, it’s called ‘Ask Moony’. She talks about stuff like relationships, school, career, self-help, love, sex.”

You took the liberty of reaching for Chenle’s flute of champagne, downing the rest of its contents and averting your gaze.

Johnny huffed, a smirk playing at his lips as he nodded slowly.

“I’m sure she has a lot of… insight in those areas,” he brought his own champagne glass up to his lips, his gaze still on Chenle even as he spoke about you, “which magazine did you say you worked for, again?”

“Season,” you replied curtly, Johnny’s eyes darting to look at you, widening just slightly from your unexpected reply.

“Yeah, actually, about that. We’d love to work with you at our magazine, that is, if you’re interested,” Chenle added, soothing the harshness of your reply with his amicable, cheerful tone, not without side-eyeing you and gritting out a, “dude are you trying to sabotage the mag?!”  

“Sure,” he nodded. Now it was Chenle’s turn to stare at him with wide eyes and eyebrows raised.

“Oh?... Seriously? You’re not even gonna ask what you’ll be working on? That was… easier than expected. We’ve been trying to contact you for ages now—”

Johnny laughed, his familiar giggles bubbling out of him at the sight of Chenle’s expression, shaking his head, “No, yeah. Seriously, we can set up a meeting next week or something.”

You forced a small smile, already taking a step back from the table.

You couldn’t believe everyone made it sound like they were trying to recruit the president when it was really just Johnny Seo, your brother’s best friend since college. The same one that gave you your PhD in first love.

“Right, I think I’ll be heading back first,” you murmured.

Chenle’s neck craned forward to look at you, eyebrows raised and gaze urgent.

“So soon?” Chenle asked pointedly, making you shoot him a tight-lipped smile.

“Yeah, just… kind of tired.”  

“Oh, no worries… I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other from here on…” Johnny murmured, his tongue peeking out to wet his lips before quirking his eyebrows, gesturing that it was okay if you wanted to leave, the way he seemed so calm only managing to upset you even more.

Truth be told, you had no idea where you were going once you started walking. You just knew you wanted to get out of the gallery, away from the pictures that reminded you of what you were so comfortably managing to suppress for the majority of your twenties.

It was pathetic, the way you ended up wasting 10 minutes getting lost in The Commune before a security guard pointed you towards the exit, the way you now stared at the traffic light at the crossing, ready to let the colours decide if you should turn back and confront him. What were you even going to confront him about? It’s not like he did anything wrong per se. It wasn’t like he had told you to wait for him. It wasn’t as if he didn’t encourage you to find love when he was leaving.

The light turned red.

The image of him casually laughing with Chenle, the way he was looking at you as though he had been expecting to see you, the way he replied when Chenle told him about what you did for your job.

It made your blood boil thinking about how he’d practically based his entire exhibition on the both of you and then acted as though he didn’t know you. And made it look easy.

What was the worst part? When you sifted through all your anger, all the questions you had about what he was doing, the image and memories of him that you were sure were embedded into your subconscious by now, you couldn’t deny that you missed him.

Your phone chimed with a text message.

Moon tael 9:22pm - i wanted to tell you this morning but i forgot - 9:22pm -  johnny’s moved into the city, just figured you should know since you might see him around. He’s got an exhibition at the commune if you’re interested.-

===

‘Subject: Help! I can’t fucking adult! Hi Moony!! Lemme just start by saying that I'm 33, I'm at the peak of my career, but I've never wanted to give up more than I do now. I’ve been living on my own since I moved to the city when I turned 21 (it was always a dream of mine to escape country life and be in the magic of the concrete jungle), and I've been hustling ever since. In terms of my worklife, I’ve never been better. I’m doing a job that I’m respected in, I’m earning a salary that younger me didn’t even think was possible and my boss is telling me I'm up for a promotion next month. But something I’ve realised recently is how tired this has been making me. Not quite physically, I’m well rested, I get ample sleep, I go to the gym every week. But mentally. I don’t know when it started, but I’m just so, so tired. I have this overwhelming urge to just yell ‘screw it’ and go back home and buy a farm and live a peaceful life where I don’t have to worry about anything other than my sheep and horses and what I'm gonna eat the next morning. But at the same time, that makes me feel so selfish because I know I have a choice when many others unfortunately don’t. Although it seems like an option, it really isn’t. I’m in the midst of navigating thoughts about a career switch (crazy right? Especially when everyone tells me i’ve got everything going for me), a burning desire to just fast forward (or maybe even just skip entirely) the whole dating, romancing period and just have a baby. It’s honestly overwhelming, the temptation to give up a possible position at the most reputable daily newspaper for my dream of a quiet life in a rural lakeside house where no one cares about how much money I earn or how productive I am or how much I'm maximising my time. But I know I'd be too anxious and too bored to let myself live like that for more than a month at most. Just the other day, when I was watching a dating reality show, I burst into tears when one of the girls was talking about how independent she was and of course that’s very sexy of her but I couldn’t deny the little part of me that was just crying out inside saying ‘I don’t want to be independent anymore!’ I’m tired of feeling as though all this work and drive is just me on a path wanting to be 10 steps ahead yet I have no end point in mind, just pushing myself to get ahead for the sake of being ahead. It feels like I’m running on a timer for every single thing I do just so I don’t have time to let myself think about how tired I am or how much I would rather be doing something else. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t depend on anyone because I’ve been telling myself that I'm the only one that can guarantee my own happiness and my own safety, but even now when it’s up to me, I don’t feel happy and I don’t feel secure. But, of course, I force myself to be because it’s too troublesome to explain to people that I'm not some corporate robot that’s high-functioning all the time. After all, hustling is all I've known for almost 15 years now. I need your help, Moony. How do I know I’m on the right path? How do I know that this is what my life is supposed to be like? How do you deal with anxiety? You always seem so put together, what do you think I should do?

Sincerely, Almost Burned-Out’

“Taeil, what the hell! You couldn’t have told me sooner?”

“I thought you shifted your renovation date so I figured it was no big deal!”

You ran a hand through your hair, trying to fix it into place as you briskly walked through your office lobby, clearing your throat softly and returning your voice to a softer volume as you wore a polite smile to greet the security guard.

“Morning,” you greeted, smiling when they’d returned your greeting with kind smiles, drawing your focus back to your phonecall.

“Yeah, well. I don’t know who you heard that from—”

“Chenle told me.”

You groaned, fumbling with your ID card at the security gantry, clutching your card tightly as you resisted the temptation to  slam it onto the sensor in your impatience, finally gaining access as you felt the metal turnstiles give way.

“Since when were the two of you best friends? It’s my apartment, Taeil, you should’ve checked with me. Now what the hell am I gonna do? I have nowhere to stay for the whole of the holidays now and my building’s renovations are supposed to start next week! And Chenle has no idea what he’s talking about, by the way, the renovation date was fixed in like May.”

You heard Taeil sigh, “Okay, in my defence, you could’ve checked with mom and dad instead of just assuming that they’d be home for the holidays.”

“Yeah, well, everyone should’ve checked with every—” you huffed, “Does it look like I expected them to rent out our house and go on some tour of Europe? The last time they travelled was like… before you were born!”

Your shoes clicked loudly against the marble floor tiles of the lift lobby, glaring at the decreasing number on the screen and trying with all your might to somehow telekinetically make the lift move faster.

Your annoyance had only heightened when you heard Taeil laugh, murmuring in the background of the call.

“Uhh… you could stay with Chenle—”

“And get hit on by his creepy neighbour everyday? I’d rather not, thanks.”

You heard Taeil hum, muffled mumbling on his side of the phone again before he’d giggled.

The lift doors opened. You flashed a polite smile of greeting to the people in the lift, some of them you recognized from the politics section of the magazine.

“Uh… well you could stay at my new place? We have a guest room.”

You glanced at your watch, sighing, “Whatever, you know what? It’s fine, I’ll figure something out. I gotta go, I’m late for my meeting.”

Again, applying your pseudo-telekinesis, you were soon at the 30th floor. Straightening out your jacket and giving yourself one last once-over in the mirror in the lift, you headed over to the meeting room, hoping that the meeting hadn’t started yet.

And it hadn’t, luckily for you. But what you definitely didn’t expect, though, was for the cause of that to be Johnny Seo seated in the boardroom in the middle of 10 other staff members who were all making eyes at him in one way or another, including your boss. Now that you were looking at the scene again, you noticed that even Chenle was looking at Johnny like he had a massive crush on him.

“How nice of you to join us, Y/N,” Mrs Kang crooned, “John was just telling us about how much he enjoyed reading your column.”

Narrowing your eyes at him, your grip tightened around the handle of your laptop bag, walking over to an empty seat on the other side of the table and sitting down gently.

“Right… ” You hummed, “Sorry, I’m late. I had some issues with my apartment.”

Johnny’s gaze was the same as it was on the night of the exhibition, eyeing you as if he were observing you, analysing your every move.

“Must’ve been stressful,” you heard Chenle sigh, his gaze still trained on Johnny.

“Please,” one of your co-workers, a girl with flawless hair down to her butt and the prettiest dress on her this morning had scoffed with a smile, “Y/N could go through a hurricane and still leave without a single hair out of place. In my entire time working here, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything put her off her game.”

You hated the way Johnny had looked at you in response, that little knowing look he’d given you, almost as if the comment displeased him. Even despite the murmurs and hums of admiration and agreement that followed.

You supposed it was warranted. Among all the people in the boardroom, only Johnny knew how not put together you actually were. Only he had ever seen you in states where your appearance was the last thing you were worried about. Messy hair, perspiration on your skin, drool on your cheek, nose red and running, embarrassing pajamas (or lack thereof). When times were simpler and you weren’t on-edge everyday, running on a strict back to back schedule just so you wouldn’t have the energy to even think of burning out (as ironic as that was).

“Alright, it’s almost eight. Shall we start?” you diverted the attention away from yourself, everyone seeming to straighten up in their seats as they looked to your boss for confirmation. Well, all except Johnny, who was still looking as though he were biting his tongue on the million little witty remarks he would’ve once littered.  

Mrs Kang gave you a curious look, her amusement evident in the curl of her lips before she’d nodded.

“Of course. Let’s start.”

As embarrassing as it was, you couldn’t focus for nuts. Not when you realised you’d chosen the worst possible seat in the room, the reflection of Johnny in the glass panel right in your eyeline.

Sure, your laptop was open, but you weren’t taking notes. You were neck deep in Johnny’s photojournalism articles that were all uploaded under the name Suh Youngho during the time where he was travelling. You guessed that was what gave him such a reputation, but still. No one had mentioned to you anything in his portfolio other than his fashion related articles and editorial photoshoots (and his looks, if that was considered).

You weren’t even sure why he was at this meeting in the first place. It had nothing to do with him (or maybe it did, and you would’ve realised if you were paying attention). Countless times over the course of the meeting, you found yourself losing your train of thought when you would look up at the wrong times and see him running his hand through his hair, bringing his cup of coffee to his lips. Sometimes, you swore he was looking at you through the reflection too. Whatever, it was surely more entertaining than listening to Mrs Kang talk about ‘our nature as social beings’.  

“The last thing on our agenda would be for the holiday edition of the magazine. We’re thankful to have the pleasure of working together with John for the cover of this edition. I’m also in the midst of discussions with John about a possible project he could take on as part of the Season team. As for who we’re currently looking at that will be working with him on this project...” your boss paused, and you rolled your eyes at the way everybody had perked up, fixing their hair as if it wasn’t like your boss had already chosen someone.

Her gaze scanned the room before landing on you, her features lighting up in a smile.

“John has mentioned that he’s keen to work with Y/N,” you ignored the way the rest of the staff had visibly slumped in their seats, no longer bothering to present themselves prettily, “so we’ll be meeting together with Kun and perhaps Doyoung to discuss further. Y/N, I trust that you’ll get him acquainted with everything he needs to know about Season. Other than that, the rest of you are dismissed.”

You frowned, glaring at Johnny from where you sat. The sound of rolling chairs and knocking against the thick wood of the boardroom table and leftover ice in coffee cups echoing around you as your boss stood up, making her way out of the room first.

“Zhong Chenle, I’ll be expecting your writeup in 48 hours,” she added pointedly before leaving, the rest of the staff slowly streaming out behind her.

Without bothering to grab your things, you’d rushed out of the boardroom, stopping your boss before she could enter the lift.

“Wait! Sorry, uh… Mrs Kang, I’m just a little confused. My advice column doesn’t really involve like… photos,” you huffed, your hand coming up to your eye that was starting to twitch again (you’d be lying if you said it didn’t make you feel like an aggravated villain in a cartoon), “you know, it’s not really needed in my column so I don’t really understand why you’re asking me to work with hi—”

Your boss furrowed her eyebrows, amusement laden in her smile as she tilted her head at you.

“My dear, are you forgetting that you were the one that wanted to branch out into more projects? You’re not limited to just your column. I was discussing it with John last week, and we both thought that the nature of your writing style would very much compliment his style of photography and videography. You know… the candid, intimate nature of it all.”

Your lips parted, all the words you wanted to say disappearing before they could leave you, a small huff escaping you in its wake instead. You barely registered the pat on the back Chenle gave you as he walked past you to get to the lift, accompanied by his whisper of, “Dude, you got so lucky.”

“Oh… oh, okay,” you nodded slowly, watching her enter the lift and flash you one last smile.

“Are you not coming into the lift?” one of your co-workers asked, earning a shake of the head from you.

“No, my stuff’s still in the meeting room,” you gestured to the room, earning hums and goodbyes as the lift closed.

Walking back to the meeting room, you saw Johnny still inside the room, leisurely packing his things and walking across the room towards the door. He was definitely doing this on purpose.

Letting out a deep sigh, you bit your tongue, packing your things neatly into your bag in the hopes that by the time you reached the lift lobby, he’d already be gone.

Obviously, you weren’t so lucky.

Standing next to him at the lift lobby, your telekinesis didn’t seem to be working (not like it ever did), and you were overwhelmed by the smell of coffee and a fresh yet woody scent of whatever new expensive cologne he must’ve been wearing when he’d leant in front of you to dispose of his now-empty coffee cup.

The silence was driving you crazy, and it didn’t get any better when you entered the lift, the compact space making his proximity to you decrease considerably.

You settled for rubbing your eye as you worked on fixing your hair in the mirror, trying to ignore the way he was leant against the wall of the lift behind you, arms folded and eyeing you through the mirror with that same unnerving gaze.

“You should take more breaks.”

The sudden sound of his voice had caused you to flinch slightly, your gaze meeting his through the mirror, hardening.

“What?” your eyebrows furrowed, a huff that bordered on a scoff leaving you.

Johnny seemed unfazed, simply taking a step forward so he wasn’t leaning against the wall anymore, gesturing to your eye.

“Your eye. It’s doing the thing.”

You’d forgotten how observant he was.

You let out a sigh, your hands dropping to your sides as your jaw clenched, not being able to contain your anger for long.

“What do you think you’re doing?” your frown deepened, earning a curious look from him.

“I’m not doing anything,” he replied, somehow not satisfying you with his answer.

“No, seriously. I understand moving to the city. I understand being hired for projects. I understand putting up your own exhibition. But what I don’t understand is how you just… show up out of nowhere after seven years just to… interferewith my work life and make my whole team fall in love with you.”

You knew that probably sounded petty, but hey, at least you were being honest.

“One minute, you’re acting like you have no idea who I am and the next minute, you’re pretending you know me as much as you did back then.”

Anyone else (especially in your office) would’ve backed off if they heard you speaking so harshly, deeming it uncharacteristic for you to be anything but calm and collected even though that was rarely the case (you figured that was the difference between you and Taeil, he was always the calmer one).

But like you said, Johnny knew more about you than you wanted to give him credit for at the moment. He simply shook his head, taking another step forward so he was standing right behind you, close enough that you could practically feel the warmth radiating off of him.

“Firstly, I have no intention to… ‘interfere’ with anything,” he began, “And for the record, I’m not here to make your team fall in love with me. Lastly, I’m not pretending,” his voice trailed off into a murmur, but it sent shivers down your spine. How gentle, how sincere, how much it still paralysed you even after so long.

You fumbled for your words, trying to regain the upper hand in your exchange. Though at this point, you didn’t have a point you wanted to make, your words were just coming out however they wanted.

“Yeah, well, I’m different now, okay? I’m not just… not just some foolish girl you can mess around with. And there’s no way in hell I’d let you mess with my job either.”

Johnny’s eyebrows furrowed, shaking his head. Parting his lips to speak, he was about to correct you when you’d cut him off.

“And ‘Death by a thousand cuts’? Really?” you continued. “What the fuck was that? Was being with me that torturous for you? Or was it just something you picked out of ‘Joy Luck Club’?”

Johnny huffed, his expression becoming almost stoic as he let you take out your frustration on him. He figured it was only natural. When you stopped, he took his chance.

“Taylor Swift, actually.”

You glared at him, your mind almost instantly running through the lyrics of the song and hating the way they resonated with you.

“Yeah, well… Whatever. Fuck you, Johnny,” you spit out harshly.  

Johnny’s laughter bubbled out of him like honey, bringing a hand up to adjust his beanie before he’d sighed.

“You always had a way with words, sweetheart,” his teasing tone had only heightened the thrumming of your heart when you saw how he’d reached his hand up to the back of your neck, expecting the cold touch of his fingers but feeling warmth instead as his fingers lightly pulled the chain of your necklace from your shirt, his knuckles grazing lightly against your skin.

He let out an amused huff, dragging your pendant ever-so-slowly from the nape of your neck to your front, letting his knuckles apply a little too much pressure than needed against your neck as he smoothed over the chain. Paralysed by the way he was looking at you, almost expecting him to utter the same words he did the last time he did this, telling you not to wait for him.

“And by the way,” he began, making you almost shiver at the ticklish feeling of the light pressure of his fingertips as he tucked your hair behind your ear, the tender gesture almost managing to soothe the burning anger within your chest, “If you thought I was just ‘messing around’ with you back then, you couldn’t be more wrong. We have a lot to catch up on, Y/N.”

Pulling his hand away, he let out a small sigh. The lift doors had dinged, Johnny stepping back as the lift doors had opened, flashing you a tight-lipped smile.

“See you around.”

You sighed, leaning against the back of the lift as people had streamed into the lift, preparing yourself for the long lift ride back up because you’d forgotten to press your floor button just now.

===

Johnny couldn’t help his amusement from making itself obvious in your features when he’d seen the email you sent him that weekend in reply to his question of when you were going to show him around the studio.

‘Attached: Employee Handbook.pdf I don’t have time to do an office tour for you. There’s a floor plan inside, I’m sure you know how to read it. That should be all you need to know.’

“You’re in a good mood. Things been going well at work?” Taeil hummed, bringing his wine glass full of coke up to his lips.

Johnny could only hum in response to Taeil’s question.

“Guess you could say that. I saw Y/N at the office,” he spoke, almost wary of how much joy he should lace in his words.

“Did she say ‘Hi’?” Taeil couldn’t deny that he was curious. You left him on read after he told you about Johnny being in town.

Johnny was glad he hadn’t faltered at the memory of your interaction, simply settling for a shrug.

“Yeah, she did. She seems… different.”

Taeil gave Johnny a knowing look. Hoping his roommate could feel his stare even as he busied himself with making his cup of coffee.

“You do know that it has been seven years, right? A lot has changed since then,” Taeil’s tone was wistful, almost resigned.  

Johnny couldn’t help but think of your necklace, or how your eye still twitches when you spend too long looking at the computer screen at a time, or how quick tempered you were (but maybe that last one was just reserved for him). He knew there was still a lot more to learn about how you were now.

Johnny huffed out a laugh, “I mean, yeah. I guess you’re right.”

A short silence ensued.

“She never… she didn’t ask for me while I was gone, right?”

As Johnny brought his coffee cup over to the table, Taeil searched Johnny’s expression with a certain knowingness in his gaze, shaking his head.

“She didn’t, no.”

“Some things stayed the same, though. Even though it’s been so long, she’s still as bad at lying,” Taeil offered, trying to change the subject and successfully transporting Johnny back to the time when he was in college, homesick and weekend dinners and playing games at your house with Taeil’s and your family were all he ever seemed to look forward to.

He could almost picture the way your eyes would widen in panic and you would go awfully quiet whenever you were playing the mafia game and he’d gotten the role of the mafia. Not to mention the way you would scoff, laughter bubbling out of you out of sheer nervousness whenever he would draw everyone’s attention to you, his simple question of ‘why are you so quiet?’ flustering you to no end. You weren’t very good at lying, especially not to him.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Johnny mustered a small smile, bringing his coffee cup up to take another sip, a small sigh leaving him.

He wondered if you still hated coffee, or whether the only exception you would make was still solely reserved for seasonal drinks. The thought of seasonal drinks made him recall the holidays he’d spent whenever his parents were away, how he’d join Taeil and you in your Christmas shopping or meal planning, or competing with Taeil when making Christmas themed drinks for you to try, or decorating the house because you would insist you wouldn’t need a ladder as long as Johnny was there.

“Do you guys still celebrate the holidays with your parents?” Johnny asked, eyebrows raising and large hands clasped rather politely around his tiny espresso cup.

Nodding, Taeil shrugged, “We do, but it’s nothing too extravagant. We’re not going home for the holidays this year, though. Our parents are gonna be on some Europe tour.”

Letting out an impressed whistle, Johnny couldn’t help the smile on his face, “Good for them. I think they’d like Europe.”

“Did you?” Taeil’s smile grew.

Johnny recalled all the travelling he had to do with his parents because of the nature of his dad’s job. While his dad was away at work, he would be working and then returning home in the evening for dinners with his mom, watching movies with her late at night when she couldn’t sleep out of worry for his dad. He didn’t want to even think about what could’ve happened to his mom if he wasn’t there for her.

Even now that he was back and his parents could have more time together (now that his dad had taken an early retirement), Johnny still felt a little weird to be at the receiving end of a considerably bigger amount of freedom. But nonetheless, he didn’t think he regretted his time overseas that much.

Johnny nodded, a wistful sigh leaving him, “It was really beautiful. Greece was great, I think your parents would really enjoy that place. But Austria was really something… Y/N would’ve loved it.”

It was too late to take back his words, so he went with it. Thankfully for him, Taeil didn’t seem to have read into it.

“Yeah, her Pinterest is full of those destination pictures.”

“Hey, you know… since it’s been a while, I think it’d be nice to spend Christmas together this year, don’t you think? You know, since it’s not like any of us will be going home,” Taeil suggested, earning a surprised look from Johnny, eyebrows raised and lips jutting out in a thoughtful pout, trying to contain his eagerness.

“Yeah, I mean. That’d be great but… would Y/N be okay with that? She seems pretty caught up with all her work.”

Johnny’s expression went blank when Taeil had burst into giggles.

“Honestly, even if she isn’t, I think you being around would do her some good,” Taeil brought his glass to his lips, downing a gulp of coke too quickly and croaking out a small burp as a result.

Johnny’s eyes widened, eyebrows furrowing slightly at the implication of Taeil’s words. Did he know about you and him?

“What makes you say that?” Johnny hoped Taeil couldn’t hear the way his voice went hoarse, his throat feeling dry.

Taeil shrugged.

“You know, she had a lot of fun whenever you were around back then. You know what I mean, right? You know Y/N… how she can be pretty… you know. She’s always looking for things to pour her energy into just so she has something to do, so when her work people decided she’s perfect at all these things she does, she just… internalised it.”

Taeil glanced at Johnny, not used to seeing his friend’s expression so solemn and serious.

“Back when you were around she just didn’t take herself so…  seriously,” Taeil explained with a laugh, fiddling with the stem of his wine glass between his index finger and thumb, “Feel like that’s kind of what she needs… you know, someone to remind her that she doesn’t always need to be perfect. Especially when she’s doing a shit job at taking care of herself.”

Johnny nodded.

He remembered how he used to see you, like a butterfly flitting from thing to thing. Sometimes, he was the little perch for you to rest on, to ground yourself after all that flitting, sometimes, he was the butterfly flitting around with you.

“Of course, yeah. I get that.”

“I mean, I try to remind her, but I’m not really good at talking to her about... emotions,” Taeil huffed, amusement in his rather resigned smile as he shrugged.

Strangely enough, Johnny almost felt as though he were talking to your dad, the way he’d naturally averted his gaze and nodded in understanding made Taeil huff.

“You think I’d do a better job?” Johnny’s tone was unsure, he knew it was possible, but judging from your interaction that day at the office, there seemed to be a lot more to unpack than Taeil implied.  

Johnny grimaced at Taeil’s silence, standing up and bringing his empty cup over to the sink to wash it.

Taeil’s thought process was momentarily halted when he saw his phone buzzing, your name on the screen.

“Speak of the devil.”

“Y/N?” Johnny’s head whipped around so quickly it was embarrassing, quickly turning his attention back to soaping his cup.

“Uh-huh,” Taeil cleared his throat softly, “Probably calling to yell at me about her apartment or something.”  

Answering the phone call, Taeil hummed.

“Good morning.”

He’d expected a frustrated tirade, or a ‘did you know?’, but definitely not the sheepish hum that left you.

“Uh… yeah… morning. Can I ask you something?”

Taeil huffed, bringing his glass up to his lips to down the last bit of coke in it, sighing in content.

Johnny took his time putting his cup on the dishrack, pretending to be busy with helping Taeil cleanup his plates as he tried to eavesdrop on your conversation.

“You know how my renovations are supposed to start on Friday, right?”

“Uh-huh.”

“And… you know how I said I’ll figure something out when I called you last week… right?”

Taeil’s amusement was heavily laden in his smile, “Uh-huh.”

You let out a long-drawn hum, “Well… like… I was actually gonna stay at one of my friend’s apartments—”

“Which friend?”

“Chenle?”

Taeil gasped, feigning shock, “Chenle? But I thought you said Chenle’s neighbour was weird.”

Johnny frowned. That was your friend he saw at the gallery with you.

You sighed, “Yeah… that’s the thing… and it’s just not the most convenient cause his apartment doesn’t have a guest room… so like…”

Taeil figured he might as well get some entertainment out of it if he could help it.

“So…?”

“I mean, you know, I don’t wanna sleep on a couch for the whole time I’m there… and sharing a bed with Chenle isn’t the most ideal thing—”

“Yeah, I’m not too keen on that either,” Taeil huffed.

“Yeah… so…” you hummed.

“So… you’re gonna bring a pull-out mattress?”

Johnny’s eyebrows furrowed, trying to piece the information he had together in his head. Taeil mentioned that you had issues with your apartment, he remembered you mentioning something about it that day at the office too. Chenle was involved. And now a pull-out mattress? Johnny figured it was best if he didn’t keep listening to the conversation.

If you were dating Chenle, so be it. He couldn’t have expected you to stay single for seven years, right? After all, that’s what he’d wanted you to do. Find someone you truly loved and who loved you. But really, Chenle?

“No no no, I don’t want that. I mean… c’mon, Taeil… you know… you said you have a guest room right? I promise I won’t be a lamppost, I’ll help with chores and everything. Your roommate won’t even realise I’m there.”

Taeil was grinning now, nodding at Johnny who had gestured that he was going to wash up.

“I’ll need to check with my roommate first,” he lied, hearing you rush to assure him that that was okay.

“Okay, he’s fine with it.”

You sighed, relaxing visibly even though Taeil couldn’t see you. Whatever anxiousness that remained in you at the thought of having to cohabit with Chenle now non-existent.

“Thank God, you’re a lifesaver. Can I go over on Wednesday to start transferring my stuff?”

Feigning annoyance, Taeil sighed deeply. “Fine, fine.”

===

Whoever Taeil’s roommate was, you hoped they wouldn’t be mad that their doorway was blocked by all your things.

Admittedly, you didn’t think you needed that many things, but you couldn’t help but let yourself get a little carried away when you were packing (and plus, the scale of your renovations meant that you had to shift almost all the shit in your apartment (aside from your bulky furniture) since your anxiousness wouldn’t let you entrust your belongings to someone else. Not to mention not wanting to inconvenience Taeil and Chenle to help you move your things.

You were currently sat on the floor of the guest room at half past three in the afternoon on a Friday after moving the last of your items (which unfortunately, had taken you three days), your second can of celebratory rosé that you bought from the convenience store (a reward to yourself for shifting all your things on your own) next to you and your laptop open next to you showcasing the article you were working on that was just there for some pseudo-sense of reassurance that you weren’t totally wasting your time trying to change the cover on your weighted blanket.

Sighing, you gave up fumbling with the knot you’d tied a little too tightly, leaning your head back against the bare mattress of the bed (which you also had yet to put the bedsheets on). A deep sigh leaving you, you allowed yourself to soak in the sound of Taeil’s neighbour’s taylor swift playlist wafting in through the window.

Your eye was twitching again, making you bring one hand up to press your fingers against your eye gently but firmly, huffing at the way it didn’t do anything to stop the twitching.

You got a text from Taeil.

Moon Tael 3:33pm -i get off work at 6 today, r u ok with mexican food for dinner?-

Humming at the thought of Mexican food, you replied Taeil quickly with your usual order. Sighing, you rolled your head to the side, relaxing into the support the mattress gave you as you let your gaze flicker over your laptop screen, showing the article that you were working on for this month’s edition.

‘How to Function when you’re High-Functioning’  

You sighed. If only your readers could see you now.

Taking another long gulp of rosé, you stood up, groaning as your hands went to support your weight on the bedpost, your bladder alerting you then that it was long overdue for a pee.

Sighing in content after you relieved yourself, you took your time washing your hands, the sound of the flush almost drowning out the sound of the door opening.

Was it six already? No, it couldn’t be. That was probably Taeil’s roommate, then.

Fixing your hair in the mirror as much as you could (you know, you had to make a good first impression even if you were slightly tipsy), you opened the door, only wishing you could close it right back when you came face to face with Johnny mid-lunge over one of your moving boxes.

Rolling your shoulders back and folding your arms across your chest, you ignored the way ‘Dear John’ was practically echoing throughout the house as you tried to ignore the way it seemed so unfortunately timed.

“What are you doing here?” You frowned, a soft burp leaving you which you were quick to mask with a cough.

Johnny’s eyebrows raised, tilting his head at you, your messy hair, sweatpants and lounge shirt a refreshing change from the office wear.

“Me? What are you doing here? I live here,” his tone held no menace (contrary to yours) as he set his paper bag on the countertop, tossing his keys onto the little trinket tray by the doorway.

Your lips parted in shock, ignoring his tone as dread seemed to replace your blood, flowing through you rapidly, “You’re Taeil’s roommate?”

Johnny huffed, nodding. He wasn’t sure whether to let himself be offended at the way you’d groaned.

“Perfect. That’s just… amazing news,” you muttered bitterly, fist clenching and unclenching at your sides as you began to make your way back to the guest room.

“Wait,” you’d almost froze in place at the firmness of his tone, “you didn’t answer my question.”

You turned around to see him still standing at the kitchen counter, one hand placed on top of the marble counter to support his weight. Inhaling deeply, you let out your breath through your nose.

“Taeil let me stay here for the holidays ‘cause my building’s under renovation,” you told him simply, a frown taking over you, “he said his roommate was okay with it, but I’m guessing now he didn’t actually ask if you were okay with it.”

Johnny nodded slowly, “Yeah, he didn’t tell me shit.”

A small pause ensuing, you made to turn around again before he’d spoken up.

“Wait, the whole season? Like… till New Years?”

You narrowed your eyes at his question, scoffing. Yeah, you didn’t wanna be here as much as he didn’t want you to be here. Perhaps he didn’t like the idea of living with someone he’d rejected before.

“Forgive me, I didn’t know it would be that unbearable for you.”

Turning around and heading back to the guest room without another word, punctuating your exit with the thud of the door closing.

Sitting yourself down on the floor again, you took another (angry) sip of your rosé, glaring at your laptop screen before huffing. Picking your laptop up and placing it on your lap, you began typing furiously as your laundry lay forgotten next to you.

Unfortunately for you, it was only a matter of time before you heard knocking at your door.

“Hey, can I talk to you?” you heard Johnny’s voice through the door, making you huff, your typing ceasing unceremoniously.

You debated on whether you were feeling petty enough to ignore him.

“I’m busy,” you hoped your tone held enough finality to it, but perhaps it’d simply sounded like how you felt; petty.

You heard a short silence, and then another rattle at the doorknob.

“You can’t avoid me forever, you know. Taeil’s gonna come home later and get suspicious,” he told you matter-of-factly, making you huff.

Standing up, you set your laptop on the floor, walking over to the door and unlocking it, walking back to your previous spot as you heard the door open.

Johnny entered (albeit cautiously), his hair was damp and he’d changed into a big sleeveless shirt and sweatpants, your eyes naturally gravitating to the large tattoo of what looked like a leopard on his bicep.

You could almost laugh. A leopard never changes its spots? How fitting.

His gaze flickered to your cans of convenience store-bought alcohol on the floor, then to your open laptop and notebook with multiple messy scribbles on it, then to the blanket you’d discarded on your still-naked bed, huffing in amusement. He seemed to have arrived as his butterfly was busy flitting around.

“Has happy hour started already?” he teased, making you narrow your eyes at him again.

“Very funny. What did you want to talk about? If it’s about rent, I discussed it with Taeil already. I’ll pay my share, fair and square,” you continued to type, your gaze intent on your screen as your words flowed from your brain to the word document.  

Johnny shrugged, not bothering to ask before he’d taken a seat on the bed, the action seeming to come naturally to him which surprised him even more, “No, what? I don’t care about rent. I wanted to ask if you needed help unpacking.”

You didn’t really believe him.

“Why?” you frowned, earning a look from him that mirrored yours.

“Do I need a reason to want to help you?” he scoffed, reaching over to pick up your blanket, a surprised hum leaving him when he felt its weight.

“It’s hard to believe you don’t,” you muttered.

“Do you have trouble sleeping?” he asked as he fitted the sheet over your blanket, earning a sigh from you.

“It’s not a big deal,” you murmured.

Turning to look at you, he continued to shift the blanket, muscles flexing obviously. He was a lot leaner than he was in college, but his physique was more defined than you’d ever seen before. Anyone who saw him would’ve been able to tell that he took care of himself well. You were almost envious.

Without waiting, he’d taken the liberty of untying the knot, removing the blanket cover and easily fitting the new cover over your blanket. What would’ve taken you at least ten minutes, had taken him less than five.

“I didn’t say I needed help,” all you could do was be stubborn, knowing he would probably say something like it didn’t matter because he wasn’t actually asking if you needed help. Johnny was like that.  

Walking over to the little chair where you’d put the bedsheets, he’d picked up the matching one, nonchalant as he fit the sheets over your bed, smoothing it out with big sweeping movements.

“Good. ‘Cause you should know I wasn’t really asking,” he replied calmly, a hint of a smile on his lips.

You guessed over the course of time while he was away, that part of him hadn’t changed.

“Did you take the day off work today?” He asked casually, as if this was your everyday routine.

It irked you somehow, the way you responded to his voice. It was as though he had never left, your body responding as though it really were your everyday routine; comfortable, relaxed at the fact that the first thing he was doing after not seeing you for seven years was making your bed.

You grunted in response, stare still fixed on your computer screen even though you were too distracted to type, your fingers simply resting over the keyboard.

Johnny being Johnny, wasn’t willing to take that for an answer.

“I said,” he repeated more pointedly, “did you take the day off work today, sweetheart?”

Your head whipped around so fast you’d almost given yourself whiplash, glaring at him. You were more angry at yourself for the way your insides had stirred at his words.  

He was definitely taunting you. But you couldn’t necessarily blame him, he knew even better than your boss what would get your attention.

“What? Did you forget how much you used to love it when I called you that?” his eyebrows raised expectantly, a knowingness to his gaze that almost made you question why you were so mad at him in the first place.

You did. Then you remembered.

You wondered how many other girls were his ‘sweetheart’ before too.

“No shit, I didn’t go to work today because I was busy moving all my shit here,” you huffed, exasperated (almost offended) as you watched him hesitate to lay the second pillow on your bed.

Standing up, you walked over to him, grabbing the pillow from his hands and shoving it together with the one on the left side of the bed, leaving the right side empty. He always took the right side.

His silence had only aggravated you further. The absence of your pillow in his hands drawing your attention to the little sunflower tattoo on his forearm.

You let out a deep sigh.

“No, honestly. What were you expecting? Did you think I was just gonna jump for joy when I saw you again?” you laughed, though it didn’t feel genuine, daring yourself to meet his surprised gaze with your eyes that almost reminded him of that night in his garden.

“It’s so… like you, to just come in with all your nice gestures and perfect words,” you sighed, bringing up one of your hands to run it through your hair, not being bothered to care if it was messy or not at this point.  

The flighty feeling the alcohol gave you was making your words rush out with practically nothing filtering them, “I can’t, for the life of me, figure you out, Johnny. Even now, you’re acting all… casual with me, making my damn bed like you have nothing you really wanna say to me when I feel so stupid for having a million things to say to you. Has it ever crossed your mind that I might still be—” somehow you couldn’t find the word for what you were feeling, or maybe, you just didn’t want to admit it right now.

Now that you’d started, it seemed, you couldn’t bring yourself to stop. Your seven years worth of emotions bubbling out in a poorly condensed frustrated tirade at the boy standing before you.

“But I guess I should’ve seen it coming, right? You told me not to wait for you, so I can’t expect you to understand why I still did, right?”

Your throat felt tight now, your voice shaky as you continued, your vision beginning to blur with tears of frustration, your jaw clenched so tight you were giving yourself a headache.

He frowned.

“Hey…” there it was again, the same tone he used on you every time you cried.

Johnny knew your tells, it was just a shame that you were too upset to view that as something worth appreciating.  

“Don’t do that…” you felt your energy leaving you, already tired from the million possible things you could say to him that were desperate to be said, the more they flitted around in your mind, the more you realised they weren’t angry, they were filled with frustration, yearning, the lack of resolution that comes with missing someone.

“Do you think it was easy for me… to feel what I felt and have you tell me that I couldn’t be feeling that way? To hear you speak so sweetly to me, do all your little gestures for me and have you still expect me not to have felt that way about you?” you watched as Johnny’s gaze had hardened at the memory, “Sure, maybe you didn’t think about it that way, fine. But what were you expecting me to think when you would act that way with me and still be seeing other people?”

“It was probably fun for you, right? Whatever you did with them. Convenient? No-strings-attached? Nothing serious, just sex? Don’t even get me started on that whole thing you had with Rina when she was still with Jaehyun. Oh my God, Rina.”

“Rina was my deskmate, you know? My friend, actually. But I couldn’t even be mad at her, you know why? I’m sure you know why, Johnny. C’mon, you can just say it.” You continued to prod, your feelings getting the better of you.

Johnny pressed his lips into a firm line, lips parting as a small sigh left him.

“Y/N…”

You gritted your teeth.

“She was happier,” your tone was resigned, your head began pounding, “No matter how much I tried to hate those girls, I couldn’t. And trust me, I tried. I wanted to hate them because no matter how much I wanted to feel what they were feeling, you never let me.”

You should’ve stopped. He probably thought you were crazy, or just throwing a silly little tantrum (or maybe, you were just projecting again because Johnny had never told you that you were either of those things and you didn’t think he ever would).

“I wished and wished that you wouldn’t be so careful with me but you always were and that’s the worst part. Because that’s exactly how it should’ve been, right? Sneaking around was all it was ever gonna be because I’m Taeil’s sister.”

You bit down harshly on your lip, the frustration that bubbled within you making you feel so unbearably sober. Your breaths were shallow now, wanting to breathe in deeper but not being able to, feeling as though your lungs were only filling halfway with each breath you took.  

You brought a hand up to press against your eye harshly, growing even more frustrated at the way it was twitching now. Small little things that were starting to add up and tick you off and make you want nothing more than to just scream.

“I drove myself crazy thinking about whether you were also calling them your sweet girl,” the words felt foreign on your tongue, being the first time you were saying it out loud, “or telling them how good they were to you. I thought about how much space they took up in your camera’s film, or if you snuck them out of their houses in the middle of the night to go on night drives too. Because if you did… I can’t blame them.”  

His silence was making regret creep into you, not even being able to remember what had come out of your mouth for the past few moments.

“I meant what I said when I told you I’m different now, okay? So, sorry if I’m not exactly delighted to see you again.”

You huffed, your breath hitching as the discomfort in your chest worsened, feeling as though it was closing in on itself, your mind absolutely racing with no intention to give you a break. You weren’t used to feeling so much at once, having forced yourself to get used to feeling as little as possible. Now that it was happening, you were realising why you made that decision.

“I was doing perfectly fine until you showed up,” you spat out.

Johnny shook his head.

“No, you weren’t,” he finally spoke. His eyebrows furrowed, confidence behind his words as if he were calling Taeil out for cheating in a board game. Perhaps that was what it felt like, playing chess and going on the attack, thinking you were three steps ahead of him without knowing that he was already five ahead of you.

“You don’t know—”

“Look at you, Y/N. You force yourself to be perfect at work, you can’t even get a good night’s sleep because you’re so anxious all the time that you need a literal weight on you to sleep,” he gestured to your blanket, frown deepening, “You’re so tired that your body keeps giving you signals that you keep ignoring. You want to be three steps ahead, to ‘figure people out’ just so nobody can throw you off. The way your co-workers talk about you… it’s like you’re not even human. Even with your moving today, you know for a fact you didn’t have to move all of that on your own but you didbecause you don’t feel safe asking someone else to do it for you.”

It was unnerving, the way he seemed to have peeked into the interior of your heart and laid it out in front of you. You didn’t know which was worse, the relief you felt at the knowledge that this wasn’t normal, or the vulnerability you felt from how he read you so easily. It was as though you were an open book when it came to him, but perhaps now your book was dog-eared, highlighted, scribbled on, breaking at the spine.

He took a step closer, narrowing his eyes slightly, “I’ve only been here for two weeks, and I can tell that much. Do you really call that ‘doing fine’?”

You sighed, your gaze softening. 

“You wanted to know the truth, right? Because it’s so hard to ‘figure me out’,” he murmured.

“The truth is that I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing back then,” he began, “I did whatever I wanted, and I didn’t think much about it. But there’s no excuse for that, and I mean it when I say I’m sorry for dragging you into all of it ‘cause, believe it or not, that’s what I was precisely trying to avoid. I wanted to continue having my fun with other people without other feelings involved but I know now that there was no way that would’ve ever been possible when I was... selfishly… spending all that time, doing all I did, with you.”

Johnny swallowed, “Sex didn’t mean anything to me back then… so when it started to… that’s when I started backing off from the other people I was meeting. Obviously, it was too little too late on my part.”

“I know what happened has happened and there’s nothing we can do about that, but I didn’t leave because I wanted to, Y/N. I needed to… for my mom,” he let his tone become gentle, a murmur that sent your head reeling and your limbs feeling weak, his hand coming up to grasp your face, his thumb smoothing over your cheek, “I know you’re mad at me, and you have every right to be, but… I need you to know that much.”

You averted your gaze, fighting the urge to shut your eyes as the warmth from his hands spreading through your body, your fists unclenching and relaxing, little crescent moons lingering on your palm, your gaze that had softened just for that moment returning to its previous stony nature.  

Just tell him straight. You don’t have the energy to do this with him again. You didn’t think you had it in you anymore.

“I don’t have the time, or the energy to do this with you right now, Johnny,” you shook your head, bringing your hands up to peel his from your face, scrunching your eyes shut tightly and opening them again, the pounding of your head getting worse by the second.

Why did you say ‘right now’? Now you’ve trapped yourself.  

Johnny simply sighed, nodding slowly. Even now, he noticed, you refused to even let yourself feel.

“Take all the time you need. I’ll still be here if you need me, even if you decide you don’t by the end of it.”

He left the room without another word, leaving the both of you to try to calm yourselves down before Taeil came home.

===

“Uhh… would anyone care to tell me why it feels like the arctic in here?” Taeil huffed with a nervous smile, pushing your box of food towards you.

Johnny simply shook his head, an innocent frown of confusion on his face as he focused his attention on his burrito, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Taeil narrowed his eyes at Johnny, “You… look suspicious. And you look half dead,” Taeil told you, pulling your can of sprite towards him so he could take a sip.

“You’re suspicious,” Johnny shot back pointedly, making things even more awkward in his usual Johnny-like way.

You huffed, pressing your nacho weakly against the guacamole dip, sighing when the chip had cracked in the dip, “Just tired from moving.”

The look Johnny gave you was one with frustration hidden deep in his gaze. Honestly? He was getting desperate.

Whatever he told you just now was the result of simply seeing you and how you were functioning over the course of two weeks, and it amazed him (not in a very good way) how nobody else seemed to realise how badly you were doing in reality. Surely, he would’ve been upset to know that you hadn’t bothered to stop ‘flitting’ around for the past 7 years, stuck drowning in some kind of limbo.

“Nothing suspicious going on, I can assure you,” Johnny hummed, taking another bite of his burrito and praying mentally that Taeil was buying it.

Letting his skeptical gaze linger on Johnny momentarily, Taeil shrugged.

“Alright, then. Does anyone wanna ask me how my day was?”

===

That night, your words seemed to flow out of you more easily than ever, as if a blockage within you had been removed and a fog was slowly being lifted (emphasis on slowly).

‘Bottom line is… you’ve been surviving off of a non-exhaustive list of ‘ways to feel less’, you pack your schedule so tight that its not possible for you to have time to entertain your own thoughts, and flipping over the rug where you’ve dusted all your pent up feelings under just doesn’t seem like something you’re ready to deal with. Speaking from personal experience, it's exhausting. Being in this constant state of high-alert, you’re trapped by the feeling of an impending burn out, with no time to even consider fitting in a burnout in your Notion schedule. You give and you give and you give, like monthly payments to Apple for storage just to make yourself feel better that you keep getting notifications that your storage is almost full, and you feel like the bank account of your energy is slowly getting depleted with no steady income. It’s exhausting. Each time the ‘money’ comes in, you’re too busy worrying about what you’re gonna do when it’s gone to even be thankful that it’s there. You subscribe to this idea that you can’t stop working, you need to always be striving to be better, more efficient, because that’s the only way to get the life you want. Or at least, the life you think you want. Everyone else's idea of what your ideal life should be because you haven’t felt like yourself in years and the lens you have on hasn’t been ‘rose-coloured’ since you were thirteen with a dream journal, now it just feels like you can only see yourself in third person, for what your bosses and your colleagues and your friends and your family want you to be on the outside, not daring to look inwards to see and feel everything you’ve been shoving aside. In your striving and grappling for this ‘end goal’, feeling just… isn’t possible. It’ll screw things up, you think, it’ll throw you off your game and push you back to square one while everyone else will carry on their merry way at square 500. But there’s that part of you that’s frustrated, that’s wanting to scream and yell and beg for some time for yourself to just rest. But what I want to propose is for you to muster up that courage and strength to lift the rug. Even if it's just a corner. Shift the perspective. Maybe even dare yourself to look at the rug if you’ve been avoiding it like I have. Stop trying to build a home for yourself in others and instead just lock yourself in the house of your heart, lift that mountain-shaped rug and feel. Allow the dirt to be seen. It’s okay to withdraw after looking at it, it’s okay if you want to close it back, it’s okay to listen to your body and take care of yourself. It’s okay to be frustrated at how much dirt there is. I know it’s natural to want to protect ourselves, because feeling (especially all at once after so long of nothing) is always something so daunting, so intense, we just don’t think we’ll be able to handle it. And that’s okay! Because the beautiful thing about us is that we can choose the pace at which we want to do this.’

You sighed, frowning at your laptop. This wasn’t like anything you’d been putting out for the past year. But at the same time, you couldn’t find it in you to change any of it. For the first time in a long time, you meant every word you typed out.

Ironically, you felt as though you were talking to yourself. It scared you, how much you needed to be entertaining this thought process now. Perhaps Johnny’s presence, that made you pour out what you were really feeling, and his words that forced you to look at yourself were more needed than you realised.

So, as you sat on Taeil’s sofa with your legs tucked under you and your laptop balanced skillfully on your thigh at 2:33am in the morning and ‘they long to be (close to you)’ had started playing in your headphones. You’d let yourself be transported back to the time where you were at Johnny’s house waking up on his bed and hearing him hum this song as he made his cup of morning coffee.

This time, you didn’t shove the memory away, but you let yourself remember how peaceful that moment was, how well-rested you felt, how giddy you were hearing the soft melody of his voice, how the smell of coffee would overwhelm you as he teased you for your bed hair when he woke you up, and how it was always something so… him, no matter how much you disliked its bitterness. The feeling that was coursing through your body was something you could only describe as a blessing, an oasis in the middle of the desert. The amount of peace that overwhelmed you, the amount of love that overwhelmed you, it was welcomed by your body and your mind like stepping into grace. Instead of shoving it under the rug in the house of your heart this time, you let it be, and you let yourself feel all of it.

===

‘Subject: I don’t feel like myself anymore Hi Moony! Back when I was in my teens (and early twenties, maybe), I used to pride myself on having a big heart. I was all for that whole Julia Roberts in ‘eat pray love’ lifestyle and I saw myself as some kind of creative, loving, exuberant spirit who was intent on building a space of love and light for myself in the world and anyone else who cared to join me. People would describe me as an empath, and they always told me that I made it comfortable for them to talk to me and just be themselves around me so I prided myself on that too because to me I saw that as me being successful in this pursuit of loving and being loved. Now, as I teeter on the brink of my mid-thirties, I’m starting to think that maybe what I was doing back then was just being a mirrorball, putting up a facade of magic to draw people close to me to curb my loneliness. I know when things shifted. It was when my granddad passed. We didn’t have the best relationship, but his death hit me harder than I expected it to. It was sudden, yet not at the same time. But after that, it was as if any desire to be out in the world, forming relationships with ‘kindred spirits’ had left me. I didn’t want to be around new people, I didn’t see the world out there as ‘filled with love’. Yet, I was so, so lonely. I found company in my work, squeezing my world and my priorities into my office cubicle and telling myself that if I had no energy for anything else, I’d might as well make sure my work is as perfect as it can be. It was something I hid behind, because work relationships were never personal after that. After office hours, it was just me in my tiny apartment, sleeping to kill time before going back to the office the next morning. I started going for therapy a year ago, and it’s helped. Your advice is like my second source of therapy, and your recent article about ‘How to function when you’re high-functioning’ hit me like a truck because the journey of trying to connect with the part of me I cut off contact with and feeling my feelings again truly has been excruciatingly painful. It’s having to deal with the fear that I’ve been doing all of this because I’ve convinced myself that I don’t know how to love. That's been the hardest for me. I can’t decide whether the right course of action is to throw myself out again at the friends I overshare with but who know nothing about me at the same time, or whether I should be going for some kind of meditative silent retreat to get to know myself. So far, everything I thought I was doing to live up to that ‘eat pray love’ version of myself just seems like a flamboyant way of projecting my need for love and company. Moony, how do I even begin ‘reconnecting’ with myself again when I don’t think I’ve ever ‘connected’ with myself in the first place?

With love, Mirrorball’

“Don’t walk next to me.”

“Huh?” Johnny frowned, looking down at you as he kept pace with you with ease (while you were practically brisk walking).

“I don’t need people starting rumours,” you shrugged, grip tightening on your handbag as you greeted the same elderly man running the newspaper stand who was giving Johnny a curious look.  

Johnny snickered, feigning a gasp, “How scandalous! I saw Johnny Seo and Y/N walking on the same public street together this morning when they were on their way to the same office where they both work!”

You turned to glare at him, trying to quicken your pace but to no avail with how easily he’d caught up with you. Curse his long legs.

“Yeah, well,” you huffed, out of breath as you finally gave up and returned to your normal pace, “It’ll send them the wrong idea. They’ll think I had something to do with you working with Season.”

Johnny seemed unfazed, giving you a shrug, “Well, then, they won’t be totally wrong. You are the only reason why I said yes to their offer.”

Halting your steps as you reached the crosswalk, you turned to frown at him.

“What?”

Johnny gave you a calm smile, “I mean, they have been trying to book me for ages. Just… didn’t see an appeal until…” he gestured to you, earning a generously long eye roll from you.

“Lucky you, then,” you flashed him a sarcastic smile.

“Lucky me,” he grinned.

“Anyway, we’re supposed to be meeting with Kun and that wo—” you stopped yourself quickly, “Mrs Kang, later. They want to discuss with us some ideas that they came up with about some project they want us to work on.”

Johnny’s blank look had been replaced by one of amusement, poorly stifling his smile.

“That woman?” he giggled.

The traffic light had turned red, the crowd of people beginning to move.

Scoffing, you fixed your gaze on your office building that was growing closer and closer, “I never said that.”

“Yeah, but you were going to,” he drawled, amusement dripping from his tone, nudging you as you walked (almost enough to make you lose your balance, Johnny never was good at controlling his strength), “C’mon, who is she? What did that poor woman do to you? Did she shift your desk to the supply room? Oh! Did she eat your snacks in the pantry?”

“Shut up.”

“Clearly, you don’t like her very much—”

“Shut up, Johnny,” you groaned, “and for the record, I know better than to keep my snacks in the pantry.”

“Atta girl,” he cooed, patting your head patronisingly, making you shove his hand off of you with a glare.

“I mean it when I say I don’t need people starting rumors,” you warned.

Thankfully for you, he chose to let it slide for now, shoving his hand into his coat pocket, “Anyway, who’s Kun?”

“He’s one of our features editors. He’s important. Important because he’s like the bridge between the writers and Mrs Kang, he seems to know how to speak her language more than us and thank God for that.”

Johnny looked fairly amused, happy that you hadn’t given him a snarky response this time. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t trying his best (emphasis on trying) to tread lightly after your outburst the day before.

“What time is the meeting?”

“Now.”

His eyes widened, almost faltering in his steps, “Huh?”

You hummed, glancing at the time on your phone.

“Fine, in ten minutes to be exact.”

He gave you a look, shaking his head. “Is it a habit of yours? Cutting it so fine?”

You shrugged, “I don’t like waiting.”

About to push the glass door open, Johnny shocked you when his hand had reached out faster than yours, shoving the (heavy) door open with apparent ease, gesturing for you to head in.

Lowering your voice, you began to dish out your ground rules while you walked to the entry.

“Don’t say a word about our living arrangement, and don’t act too comf—”

“I know, I know,” he told you, patronizingly to his tone as he held his hands up next to his head in surrender, “I know how to be professional.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, fishing out your ID card and letting a frown slip when you saw Johnny fish out one of his own.

“You already have your ID?” you scoffed, disbelief written all over your face.

Johnny’s grin spoke for itself, tapping his card with exaggerated nonchalance as he walked through the gantry into the lift lobby.

It’s only been 2 weeks! Your ID took a whole month to reach you. You were stuck using a stupid laminated employee card for your beginner days here.

Your eye started to twitch. Way to make you feel like an aggravated cartoon villain again.

More staff had started to stream into the lobby, Johnny greeting all of them with smiles while few dared to direct them towards you. You were just thankful Doyoung was running on the same time schedule as you.

“Hey, where’s Chenle?” he greeted upon seeing you, earning a shake of the head from you.

“Didn’t come with him today, had to… guide John since he’s not too familiar with the place,” you lied, earning a snort from Johnny who quickly played along.

“Nice to meet you, I’m John.”

Doyoung nodded, “Kim Doyoung.”

Johnny smiled, “But yeah, Y/N was just showing me around. The floor plans she sent me were a chore to go through.”

Doyoung raised an eyebrow in question, giving you a look, “You sent him the floor plans?”

Brushing him off, you changed the subject quickly.

“Did Kun already reach?”

Shrugging, Doyoung hummed, “Probably. I bet Mrs Kang offered him a ride or something. Anyway, Jaemin will be joining us for the meeting later.”

“Jaemin?” you tilted your head, curious. You didn’t think you remembered anyone in Doyoung’s team with that name.

“Oh, right, you probably haven’t met yet. This is our newest addition to Season’s social media team, Jaemin.”

Only then did you notice the tall boy standing next to him, dressed semi-formally with one of those tech-y looking backpacks on his shoulders, his ID dangling proudly from a lanyard hanging from his neck, flashing a bright grin at you as he bowed slightly in greeting.

“Nice to meet you.”

“Jaemin, this is Season’s lifestyle section adv—”

“Advice columnist, yeah,” Jaemin huffed, “I’m actually a really big fan of your column,” he gave you a sheepish smile, something about the little sparkle in his eyes making his appearance a lot more charming.

Your eyebrows raised in surprise, somehow feeling an added weight on you from his comment, “Really? I’m… flattered. When did you start working here? I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.”

Doyoung and Jaemin nodded at the same time, Doyoung turning to Jaemin to hum, “it’s been about like what… just over a month?”

Jaemin smiled, nodding, “Yeap, a month and two weeks to be exact.”

You almost forgot about Johnny’s presence looming over your shoulder before you felt him nudge you, “the lift’s here,” he informed.

Stepping into the lift behind Johnny, Kun and Jaemin followed behind you, the four of you congregating at the back of the lift.

“Oh, right. Just in case you guys aren’t familiar, this is John Seo,” his name felt foreign on your tongue, having grown used to just calling him Johnny, “He’s one of the photojournalists we’re working with now.”

Johnny tried hard to hold his comments, pleasantly surprised that you were aware of his venture into photojournalism, moreso that that was how you’d introduced him. Not just ‘John, the guy that covered the fashion week street style’.

“Oh, dude! I heard so much about you! I really really love that exhibition you had recently, you know, the Sunflower Avenue one,” Jaemin gushed, and you had to bite your tongue when Doyoung had agreed, mentioning that he saw really good reviews about it. That was a very different reaction compared to the one he gave you, you weren’t sure whether to be thankful or jealous. Even if you didn’t show it, you still wanted him to think highly of you and your reputation.

Johnny’s disinterested expression had instantly been replaced with a satisfied smile, not without giving you a careful look before turning to face Jaemin.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. Did you have a favourite piece?”

Jaemin’s eyes had practically lit up.

“Oh, definitely ‘Death by a Thousand—”

“Don’t flatter him too much, Jaemin. His ego’s already big enough,” you cut in, masking your spiteful comment with a lighthearted laugh, making Johnny shake his head.

“Y/N’s just playing. Rumour has it,” he leaned over as if to divulge a secret, “that was her favourite too,” he added, and if his words were an action, you were sure it’d be of his hand reaching out to the ‘do not push!’ button in your head and giving it one dragged-out push.

So much for trying to tread lightly.

You shot him a look when Jaemin and Doyoung were distracted talking about Johnny’s ‘portfolio’.

“That’s not my favourite, by the way,” you felt the need to comment, getting his attention as he leaned his head down to hear your soft murmurs better.

“I’m surprised you even have a favourite. You looked like you hated it when I saw you that day.”

You huffed, “I don’t. I just know it wasn’t that.”

You heard the elevator ding, people streaming out bit by bit till it was just the four of you left.

“So, Jaemin. Did you just graduate?”

His smile was rather charming, his voice taking on a more gentle tone as he replied, “Yeah, actually. You know, I’m only a few years younger than you. I’m turning twenty-three this year.”

Johnny gave Jaemin a curious look, observing the way the boy had smiled at you. Or more importantly, why he felt the need to clarify his age.

You hummed, still trying to be nonchalant (as if that would make him respect you), “Cool. You look a lot younger, if I’m being honest.”

Johnny’s smile grew, straightening up as the lift reached the floor of your department. You took the liberty to lead the way since you were most familiar with this place, finding the meeting room and switching on the lights as each of you found your places.

It was approximately seven minutes past the meeting time when Mrs Kang had walked in with Kun, a sweet smile on her face as she greeted Johnny and Doyoung, nodding her head at you and Jaemin. Kun had taken his seat next to Doyoung, giving you a sweet smile (and looking very excited).

“Alright. Kun do you want to start us off?” she gave him a sweet smile, swirling around smoothly in her chair.

Jaemin, after getting Doyoung’s cue, had handed out thin binders to each of you, and you tried to ignore Johnny’s little comment of, “This is a pretty good quality binder.”

You opened Jaemin’s first, pictures of what looked like online videos of couples, compiled comments and what looked like statistics from the readers of Season based on what content they’d clicked on more, what articles were more popular, including which of your advice articles gained the most traction and were most popular.

“Alright, so after a discussion with Mrs Kang recently, one of the things we found was that, you know, it’s about time for Season to introduce something fresh into the mix. Jaemin here has been doing some research and helped us to compile some data on Season’s audience engagement and we found that people were responding really well to the news that John was working with us.”

“There seems to be a very strong appeal for John and his work among our major audience, and previously you’ve been informed about the prospect of the both of you working together on a project because your styles compliment each other, right?” he smiled.

“So, if you take a look at page… three,” he flipped to the page just to be sure, “right, yeah. You can see that for ‘Ask Moony’, it’s the most popular regular section in our lifestyle section, and if you narrow the focus even more, the content that people want to see more of and people tend to engage with more are the articles about relationships and dating.”

You pressed your lips into a firm line, nodding. A part of you was growing nervous to where Kun was leading to with this current stream of thought.

Humming, Johnny snickered at one of the comments Jaemin had singled out saying the audience wanted to know more about how you dealt with your relationships.

“So, we figured, why not use both of your skill sets and combine them in a project where you engage with real couples in the form of a series of videos?”

Turning to Johnny, he continued, “Your style has always been very honest, very candid. And people like that,” he turned to you, “and your perception and interview style is comfortable, kind of like talking to a friend. And that’s essentially what we’re seeing people want these days.”

Mrs Kang raised her hand, “Kun, if I may interrupt.”

Your eyebrows raised in expectancy, trying to piece together what Kun was saying in your head.

“We trust the both of you, and we want to give you guys more creative freedom in your content. Of course, we’ll vet and edit the content before it’s released. But in terms of planning and execution, it’s more or less up to you guys. But we’re really going for personal engagement with the viewer, just in a different medium. You know, we humans are all desperate for that social interaction. Without it, we feel lost. We need that connection because we’re social beings. The goal of this project is still connection, I hope you remember that,” she turned her pointed gaze towards you. 

Jaemin was positively beaming at the both of you, you and Johnny exchanging a cautious glance.

“So, like. For example, we could do something like get couples to come in and share their relationship experiences with us in a video?” Johnny asked, earning nods among the room.

“Yes, but feel free to put your own spin on it!” Kun nodded reassuringly.

“Well… I guess it could be something different,” Johnny hummed, looking up from the folder to smile, “I’m open to trying it out.”

“Perfect!” Mrs Kang had clasped her hands together happily, “What about you, Y/N?”

You let out a small sigh through your nose. It wasn’t as if you had much of a choice. Settling for a nod, you shut the file, “Yeah, sure, why not.”

Kun grinned.

“Right, so we’re hoping to get the first proposal for what you two come up with by next week, is that possible?”

Johnny nodded before you could react, leaving you with no choice but to nod along as well. You hoped there was a base behind all his confidence.

The meeting ended in a blur, Johnny saying that he had to leave to prepare some stuff for a shoot later in the day, while you tried to ignore the many stares you were getting as you made your way back to your desk.

Chenle was the first to question you, practically running over to your desk with you breakfast in hand.

“Did you wear that on purpose today? Are you trying to seduce John Seo?”

This day was going to be longer than you thought.

It seemed, you couldn’t even catch a break during lunchtime.

Seated with Chenle in the cafeteria, you sighed into your soup, wanting to relish in your breaktime and shut down any other area of your brain that wasn’t related to eating. The advice post you’d received the day before was taking up way more of your energy to answer than usual. It was difficult trying to write something to help someone when you knew you should’ve been screaming each word at yourself.

Chenle’s phone began to buzz, and you watched with impending dread as he chatted boisterously over the phone.

“No, yeah! That’s fine! There’s barely anyone in the cafeteria anyway, and it’d be boring with just me and Y/N.”

You glared at him, shaking his head. You hated having to entertain people during lunch, you were already tired enough as it is, you just wanted to have a peaceful lunch.

Chenle hung up after a cheery goodbye, flashing you a sweet pleading smile.

“Lunch is my only peace-time, Chenle. I don’t have the energy to—”

“We’ll be joined by friends for lunch today, so please try not to scare them off. Then again, you probably won’t complain, you’re busy trying to seduce one of them. ”

He sounded like one of those evil stepmothers in 2000s Disney movies.

It didn’t register at first, who he was referring to. You’d simply shook your head, your half-shut down brain not bothered to prod further.

“I’m not seducing anyone,” you sipped on your spoonful of soup.

“Maybe you will be now,” Chenle grinned, waving at someone behind you, and you knew that impending feeling of dread wasn’t unfounded when you caught the scent of that same fresh yet woody perfume and coffee.

“Hey dude,” Chenle greeted, and you watched with evident disdain as Johnny took a seat next to him.

Doyoung and Jaemin were with him (strangely), and they took their seats next to you along with Yeri, a junior you’d mentored for a while when she was an intern here.

You gave them polite smiles in greeting, directing your focus back to your soup, watching the steam rising from it and making your face feel warm from more than just the way Johnny was looking at you.

“Were you guys together before this?” Chenle asked, already diving into conversation with your ‘guests’.

“Yeah. We bumped into John and Yeri when we were heading over,” Doyoung explained, earning a half-hearted nod from you.

“Yeah, Yeri was helping me out with my shoot just now so I invited her for lunch,” Johnny shrugged.

Yeri scoffed, laughing at what Johnny had said. Was it even that funny?

“Yeah, right. We just got too carried away talking that we didn’t even realise where we were going till Doyoung and Jaemin showed up.”

You smiled, (albeit forced), glancing between the two of them with a strange sourness in your heart.

“Knowing you, Yeri, I’m sure the two of you had no problem getting along,” you muttered, seeing her cast you a surprised look, almost embarrassed. Johnny, however, simply looked amused, detecting the jealousy in your tone even before you did.

“Funnily enough,” Johnny spoke, his voice seeming to effortlessly command the attention of those seated at the table, “Yeri was just telling me earlier on how much she thought you and I would get along,” Johnny tilted his head at you, earning a rather forced smile in return.

Yeri flushed, “That wasn’t exactly what I said.”

Chenle perked up, evidently loving this subject matter.

“What, like you thought they’re compatible?” he grinned.

Doyoung hummed, seeming to consider it seriously as well, leaving just you and Jaemin wondering if it was normal to be talking so casually about this.

“Yeah, like,” Yeri glanced at you cautiously, seeming to know it wasn’t exactly ‘workplace appropriate’ to be matchmaking you so openly, “I don’t know… their personalities I guess.”

“But Y/N’s so… Y/N,” Chenle laughed, earning a snicker from Doyoung.

“Yeah, have you seen her texts with her bumble dates? It’s like she doesn’t want it to work out,” Doyoung laughed, bringing his drink up to his lips to take a sip as he dodged your hand that reached out to swat at him, extending one of his own to hi-five Chenle.

“Can we not discuss my dating life like this?” you huffed, going ignored by the rest at the table.

“Oh, oh! I just thought of something,” Chenle grinned, “Would you rather spend one day a week with your partner but they’re always in a bad mood, or one day a month with them when they're at their best?”

Yeri was looking at you expectantly, earning a grimace as you tried to turn your attention back to your food. You meant it when you told Chenle you didn’t have the energy for this.

You hummed, “I hope you’re not expecting me to answer that,” you frowned, turning to Jaemin to see him looking as though he hadn’t fully processed Chenle’s question.

“Wait, can you say that again?” Jaemin asked.

Johnny seemed to have found his answer quickly, “One day a week.”

Yeri, Doyoung and Chenle clearly hadn’t expected that, shock and confusion evident in their faces.

“What? Why?” Doyoung asked, “That’s weird. I would’ve thought most people would choose ‘one day a month’.”

Johnny shrugged, turning to you, “You’re not so bad when you’re mad,” he was clearly oblivious to how the others were looking at him, especially Jaemin, “and plus, if I can’t be there for you when you’re in a bad mood and make you feel better then what am I other than a fair-weathered... whatever, right?”

Your lips parted in shock, meeting Chenle’s rather impressed gaze.

“Wait, you guys aren’t actually together—”

“He’s just talking shit,” you dismissed Johnny’s words with a huff of laughter, hoping you were convincing enough, “you know him. He gets way into it when you give him these scenarios.”

Johnny seemed all-too-amused, nodding as he played along.

“Yeah, you know. Improv is all about the ‘yes, and’,” he added, earning a shudder from Doyoung, probably reliving memories of his high school theatre days.

Chenle frowned, confusion written all over his furrowed brows and the way his lips curved downwards, “... yes, and what?”

You almost groaned. You really didn’t have the energy for this.

Turning back to your food, you almost didn’t notice Jaemin turning to you, asking you a question about your advice column.

“Dude,” you looked up when you felt a nudge at your shoe.

“Hmm?” you looked up from your food, glancing briefly at Johnny who was also glancing between you and Jaemin with evident amusement in his features.

“Jaemin asked you something,” Chenle nodded towards Jaemin, making you turn your head to look at the boy, your spoon lazily stirring your soup.

“Oh, sorry. I must’ve zoned out,” you huffed.

“No, no. It’s fine,” his smile was sweet and reassuring, something about it almost disarming you, “I was just asking about what reply you’re working on now… You know, if you’re allowed to say it.”

“Oh, it’s about uh… it’s a little hard to explain,” you huffed, pressing your lips into a tight smile, “kind of like connecting with yourself again? Embracing yourself and that kind of thing? Like not trying to busy yourself with doing everything for other people’s love and respect but remembering what you love, why you love it, learning and relearning about who you are and loving yourself for all of that.”

It was a wonder how you were a writer when you’d barely managed to convey that sentence effectively.

Johnny’s gaze was intent, though his tone held understanding, “That’s tough.”

Yeri burst into giggles, “Seriously? You’re the last person I would think has trouble with that, narcissus.”

They seemed comfortable with each other.

Johnny shrugged, a small smile on his lips as he ate his food, “Very funny. But not just me… I’m sure a lot of people can resonate with that.”

Yeri glanced between Johnny and you, nodding slowly.

Chenle grunted, “Yeah, of course, whatever. Anyway, are you guys going for the halloween party?”

===

On your way back from the cafeteria, you were walking with Johnny since he mentioned that he wanted to check out the library in the building for ‘research’ (you didn’t bother questioning him at this point, if you wanted to know the truth, it was because he had studied the office layout and floor plans and realised that was the best route if he wanted to indirectly walk you back to your office since the library was just a few floors below yours). Yeri was heading back to the studio, Jaemin and Doyoung had to leave for a meeting and well, Chenle simply wanted to nap-off his food coma in the studio. So, that left you with no other choice but to direct him. Plus, you thought your conversation along the way would mostly be about your video project.

Turns out you were wrong, because your walk to the library was very much silent and even more tense.

So much for getting ‘carried away’ talking to Yeri.

Johnny was the first to break the silence.

“That kid doing the social media stuff totally has a crush on you.”

“Huh? Doyoung?”

Johnny shot you a look, “I said kid.”

You had to take another five seconds to process what he was saying, turning to him with evident dismay written in your frown, “Wait, Jaemin?”

Johnny cast you a glance, turning back to look around as you walked along the paved path, surrounded by greenery and trees.

“Yeah,” he sighed, bringing a hand up to rub his belly with a sigh. Again, the casualness, as if he’d just told you he was full from eating.

You inhaled deeply, shaking your head.

“I don’t know what you expect me to do with that information. And baseless information, for that matter,” you huffed, you'd grip tightening around your phone for some semblance of stability.

Johnny giggled, “It’s not baseless. He’s totally whipped, he was looking at you the entire time this morning, and during lunch, I almost thought he wasn’t gonna eat.”

You huffed, “Still not useful information. Maybe it would be useful if I was interested in him, but I’m not.”

You hadn’t expected Johnny’s next words to irk you so much.

“Yeah, he doesn’t seem like your type anyway.”

You scoffed, turning to him with your lips parted, an incredulous look on your face before you narrowed your eyes at him, shaking your head.

“My type? Oh, because you know so much about that, don’t you?”

Johnny, again, was unfazed by your spiteful tone and your eyeroll, simply nodding.

“Uh-huh. Donghyuck, Guanheng—”

You acted without thinking, embarrassment rushing through you as you reached your hand out to shove his shoulder, the action coming as naturally as it did when you used to shove him for teasing you or making you flustered.

Bringing your hand back to your side as if you were burned, you forced the smile off of your face, “You wouldn’t even know about that if Taeil didn’t tell you.”

Johnny shrugged, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game,” his tone holding a teasing lilt to it that you struggled to stay firm against.

“Why were you looking at Jaemin for that long, anyway? Am I stuck in the middle of a love triangle I don’t know about?” you huffed, making Johnny roll his eyes, a serious look taking over his features.

“Yeah, totally, when I saw Jaemin it was like love at first sight—”

“Can you walk yourself to the library?”

Johnny was quick to throw his hand over your shoulder, bordering slightly on a chokehold as you walked, “Nope, no can do. You know this place better than I do, remember?”

“People are gonna see us, Johnny. Get your hand off me.”

Johnny groaned, “Friends can do this too, you know.”

You shot him a look, your shoes clacking noisily on the tiled ground as you neared your office building, your efforts to push his arm off you to no avail, the weight of his arm and your shoulder against his side starting to grow dangerously comfortable.

“Who said we’re friends?” you narrowed your eyes at him, earning a scoff from him.

“Fine, co-workers can do this too.”

You hummed, “Oh, so you and Yeri walked to the cafeteria like this?”

Johnny paused, a hint of amusement in his eyes as his smile grew.

“Would you be jealous if I said yes?”

Glaring at him, you decided to turn the question around on him.

“Do you want me to say yes?”

“Yes.”

The speed of his reply shocked you, his confidence reminding you of your lunch conversation.    

“Why’d you do that just now?” you huffed, adjusting his hand on your shoulder, Johnny letting out a yelp from how cold your hands were.

“You should invest in a pair of mittens,” he teased, earning a scoff from you.

“You have cold hands too,” you told him pointedly, earning a shake of the head from him, a soft smile gracing his features.

Bringing his hands over to grasp yours, their warmth surprised you, though you would be lying if you said they weren’t a soothing sensation, somehow wishing your brain wasn’t yelling at you to let go before anyone could see and get the wrong idea.

“Not anymore,” he told you proudly, “When I was travelling, one of my friends introduced me to this herbal medicine that would help my body get more heat or something, I don’t know, but it’s helped a lot.”

Your lips parted, “Oh, do you have more of that? I could use some.”

You should’ve known Johnny would have taken the chance if you gave it to him, “Why do that when I could just warm your hands for you?”

You rolled your eyes, fighting your smile as you pressed your lips into a firm line, taking your hands out of his and shoving them into the pockets of your jacket.

“Anyway, you didn’t answer my question. Why’d you say that at lunch just now?”

Johnny’s eyebrows raised, humming, “What makes you think I didn’t just slip-up?”

You sighed, turning your head, the back of your neck pressed against his arm, “Seriously? No one thinks before they speak more than you do. You knew exactly what you were saying.”

Johnny’s gaze was blank for a moment, averting his gaze to shrug.

“Did what I said upset you?” he raised his eyebrows in question, making you huff.

A small pause ensued before you shook your head. “It’s not that…No, I just need you to remember that to them, we just met.”

Johnny sighed, nodding. “I know, I’m sorry. Just… would it be such a bad thing if they knew?”

You shot him a look.

“Johnny, please, I just don’t want people at work seeing me differently,” you averted your gaze, missing the way Johnny had frowned.

Assuming that you did still feel strongly about him, Johnny couldn’t wrap his head around why you were willing to sacrifice that simply for the sake of your colleagues’ perception of you.

“Differently?,” he huffed, “What? Because they’ll realise you have a life outside of work?”

You didn’t answer him, feeling his arm leaving your shoulder (albeit reluctantly)  just as you spotted the security guard at the building lobby who returned the polite smile Johnny gave him, your shoulder suddenly feeling uncomfortably lighter than usual. The both of you walked in a tense silence as you walked to the lift lobby.

You tried to ignore the stares you were getting, having to nudge Johnny harshly when he tried to pick off a piece of hair from your collar, the said boy insisting and making you wish the ground would swallow you whole as your co-workers watched the both of you like you were the newest episode of a soap opera.

Thanking the heavens when the lift arrived, you’d walked in before Johnny, situating yourself at the back of the lift as Johnny stood in front of you, his back to the wall of the lift, hands on the railing on either side of him.

“The library’s on the—” you stopped yourself when you saw Johnny reach an arm out, pressing the button to the 10th floor nonchalantly, your eyes narrowing at him sternly.

“You knew where the library was this whole time, didn’t you?” you whispered harshly.

Johnny shrugged, leaning his head down, a teasing lilt to his tone as he feigned innocence, “... I used my intuition?”

Glancing away, you noticed the poorly disguised glances from the other co-workers in the lift, choosing to flash Johnny a polite smile.

“You have great intuition.”

You heard the ding of the lift, glancing up to see that you were already on the tenth floor, Johnny flashing you a grin.

“Have a nice day, Moony. Thanks for showing me around,” he gave you a playful wink, nodding a goodbye at the other people in the lift before strolling out, swinging his ID in his hands.  

===

The sound of the rain outside your window made your eyelids feel even heavier than they were, your head pounding and the tea that was growing colder sitting on Taeil’s coffee table wasn’t helping.

You sighed, adjusting your headphone over your ears  even though you’d paused your music long ago since it was making your headache worse, choosing to shift your position so you were somewhat lying down, resting your head on the armrest of the sofa as you shut your eyes, your hands placed carefully over your laptop on your stomach just to be safe.

You sighed, breathing deeply and hearing your heartbeat in your ear that was pressed against the cushion of the sofa. It was nice not looking at the screen, but you couldn’t stop thinking of various ways to construct your next sentence from where you stopped. Your mind was racing with all the different people you had to satisfy in your reply, how each sentence had to be carefully worded to maintain harmony in your online forum. It felt almost ironic, how much you could empathise with your reader. You were almost starting to doze off when you felt your laptop slowly being pulled from under your hands, your eyes snapping open and seeing Johnny flinch back in surprise.

Analysing him with narrowed eyes, you saw headphones covering his ears as well, dressed in his pajamas, your weighted blanket slung over his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” you sat up, seeing him raise his free hand up in surrender.

“Nothing, I swear. I just thought you fell asleep, wanted to make sure you were comfortable.”

You simply looked at him blankly, still recovering from almost dozing off, Johnny tilting his head at you.

“You don’t have to...” you murmured, seeing his eyebrows furrow, frown lines deepening, a hint of curiosity in his gaze. 

“Do you think people are only nice to you out of obligation?” he perched himself on the arm of the sofa, looking at you expectantly. 

You pursed your lips, a small sigh leaving you, something about your thoughts and feelings seeming almost... incongruent. “I can’t... remember a time where it wasn’t like that.” 

“That’s... a very exhausting way to live,” he huffed, “Just so we’re clear, I don’t expect anything in return from you, okay? Just because you’re receiving from me, don’t think that you’re obligated to give anything back.”  

Perhaps it was because you were irritable from your headache, you’d looked past the sincerity in his tone, taking your laptop back from him, opening it up on your lap and beginning to type in another paragraph as the interaction had helped you return to your previous train of thought. As if Johnny had just pushed you across a tightrope to another secluded part of your heart that you abandoned long ago, you realised that perhaps you and mirrorball had shared the same perception that love and kindness were transactional in this day and age, a rather hard a pill to swallow. Love was earned through a strict list of ‘to-do’s and ‘how to act when...’s. When love like Johnny’s came around, it stirred in you the strongest of temptations to box it up, to put up barricades and limit yourself to receiving only as much as you could, or felt ready to give back. It made you wonder, how much did you actually think you deserved to receive?  

“I’m not cold,” you murmured. 

Johnny’s eyes narrowed at you, scoffing as he dropped your blanket onto the empty space on the sofa next to you, watching as you continued to type.

“Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I found a couple we can interview for our firs—”

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t talk to me now, I’m in the zone. If it’s urgent just ‘Ask Moony’ me or something,” sarcasm dripped from your tone even when you were busy typing.

And sure, though it was just a spiteful comment, you should’ve known better than to think Johnny wouldn’t have turned your lemons into lemonade.

‘Subject: Help! I’m not sure how to condense this.  Moony, I need your help. I’ll just get straight into it. I really really like this person, and even though our feelings were mutual, I couldn’t pursue a relationship with them because I was gonna be moving to another country. I didn’t wanna make them go through long distance, and I also didn’t want them to miss out on the opportunity of falling in love if someone else were to come along. I didn’t want to make promises when I had no idea when they would come into fruition. so I rejected them. But I know what I said and did hurt them, and maybe even made them believe that I didn't care about them. I did, I do, but I just had (or have) a really shitty way of showing it (and obviously I didn’t really show it for a long time since I was away). I want to make it up to them, but I have no idea how to even get started. I’m back for good now, no more moving, but I know there’s trust that needs to be rebuilt, I just have no idea where to start. My first response is to act casual, but I know they hate that. But I don’t want to overwhelm them either, since they’re already so stressed out from work and their own expectations they put on themselves. What do you think I should do, Moony? Please don’t give me textbook answers or wikihow ‘how to make someone feel better’ tips. They’re really similar to you (judging from your previous articles, of course), how you think and how you deal with things, so… If you were in this situation, how do you think I could make it up to you?

Sincerely, Suhnny Side Up’

===

Perhaps Johnny didn’t need your reply to tell him this, but he probably should have started by telling you who the couple he’d chosen was.

You were beyond triggered when you’d walked into the studio that morning (alone, Johnny had left the house earlier than you), not even ‘The Christmas Song’ echoing throughout the place and the just-nice warmth of the heating in the studio was enough to satiate the sheer offense you took when you saw Johnny, and who he was talking to.

Shrugging your coat off with annoyance, you fixed your hair as you clutched your ipad in one hand and your breakfast in the other hand, stalking over to the table with refreshments and tilting your head at the little puppy perched on the cushioned chair being fawned over by the staff.

“Gorgeous, isn’t she?” You heard Yeri sigh, making you shrug.

“Uh-huh. Looks like it just came from the groomers,” you brought your pastry to your mouth to take another bite from it.

Yeri’s laughter bubbled out from her loudly, “I wasn’t talking about the puppy, I was talking about Rina.”

You sighed. Right, Rina.

Rina, your deskmate in high school that was here in the studio talking to Johnny like they’d been best friends their whole lives.

What was she even doing here anyway? Did she have a photoshoot here? Then again, you were sure her company was probably prestigious enough that your magazine would have loved to get an editorial on her and all her girl-bossery.

“Yeah. Gorgeous,” you sighed eventually.

Like you said, even if you tried, you couldn’t be angry at her. It wasn’t like you had any reason to hate her, and you wouldn’t have wanted to anyway. Looking at her and him talking so animatedly, you had to remind yourself not to get jealous. They were adults, and so were you (no matter how much you felt like you were 19 and not 28). They were free to be friendly and laugh and touch each other’s shoulders and whisper and giggle as much as they wanted.

You were going to be professional.

As if hearing your mental monologue, Rina had turned her head, spotting you quickly, the smile that graced her features almost managing to satiate your annoyance for a bit.

She tapped Johnny on the shoulder, pointing in your direction. Turning around, Johnny had beckoned you over. Like the professional you were, you straightened up, walking over confidently and greeting her with a smile on your face.

“Y/N! So good to see you again. I was just talking to Johnny about your column, I love, love love it,” she sighed, leaning over to envelop you in a hug that smelled like vanilla.

You smiled, hiding the way the smell had overwhelmed you with a wrinkle of your nose, eyes flickering over her features and wondering how she still managed to look like she was still in college.

“Thanks,” you muttered, not having expected that to have been the reason behind why they were talking so animatedly.

“Y/N, I’m sure you know Rina so there’s no need for an introduction there,” Johnny drawled, wearing a giddy smile that lingered from their conversation.

You wanted to scoff. It was amazing to you how they had the relations they did and still there was no animosity between them. You on the other hand…

You shot him a fake smile, huffing out a half-hearted laugh. You didn’t know why he was prolonging this, you were already mentally prepared for a story about how they bumped into each other in some café on the main street and he just casually invited her to the shoot, as he does.

“But I’m sure you haven’t met Rina’s husband,” he told you, a smirk playing at his lips as he turned to wave over a man who looked around Johnny’s age, a clean cut simple looking man, the kind whose idea of fun is karaoke night at his favourite dive bar and heading home in time to tuck his kids in bed.

“Husband?” you couldn’t help but blurt, Rina giving you a knowing look.

“I know, right? I still haven’t gotten over it either,” she admitted with a giggle, looking at her husband with sheer adoration as he introduced himself to you.

“They’re our couple for today’s video,” Johnny told you pointedly, a smirk playing at his lips as he watched your confusion turn to realisation.

“Oh, right. Nice to meet you. I’m Y/N, I’ll be interviewing you today,” you shook his hand, hoping your smile wasn’t toomuch from the way your cheeks were hurting.

Rina’s husband had perked up almost instantly, recognition flashing in his eyes.

“Oh, as in like Y/N, Y/N? Rina’s told me about you before, you guys were deskmates, right? And plus, John over here wouldn’t shut u—”

“Since Y/N’s arrived, are you two alright to start shooting?” Johnny diverted the topic elsewhere so smoothly that you barely registered what Rina’s husband had said.

Leaving you with no choice but to nod, Rina fought the amusement in her smile as she guided her husband to the home-like set in the middle of the room, seating them on the small sofa while you took your seat next to Johnny and the camera. Turning to cast a glance at him, you saw that he was busy talking to his own little video camera he’d set up next to him, shooting him a look before turning back to Rina and her husband.

Once you started filming, you let them introduce themselves, eyes widening when they stated that they’d been married for five years. That would’ve meant they’d gotten married when Rina was twenty-three.

What were you even doing back then? You couldn’t even remember. Probably getting drunk at some trust fund kid’s house party.

About to ask your next question, you moved to scooch your chair forward in an attempt to put a little more distance between you and Johnny, jumping slightly in your shock when you felt Johnny reach out a hand to touch your forearm, directing your attention to the cord that was wrapped around one of the legs of your chair.

Too lazy to stand up and fix it (and too scared to disrupt the video with a possible chair screech sound), you gave Johnny a small nod, staying in your too-close proximity to Johnny where his knee rested against yours.

Johnny seemed to have noticed a question you highlighted on your list, looking over your shoulder to read some before he’d raised his hand, “Why don’t you ask this one?”

You nodded, keeping your gaze firm on the couple, “What were you guys’ first impressions of each other?”

Rina’s husband smiled, looking at her as though she held all the answers in the world as she spoke.

“He wasn’t… I totally didn’t think I’d fall for him. We met through this volunteer thing at a nursing home when I was a freshman, and he was one of the students in charge of the programme. I don’t think we got off on the right foot, though. I was messing everything up, and I had no idea how to even begin interacting with old people. He had to keep coming into my section and saving my ass, he looked like he was those really serious types. I remember telling myself ‘Dear God, I don’t think the both of us are gonna get along’,” she laughed.

“Is that true?” you asked her husband, earning a laugh from him.

“Honestly? The part about saving your ass was pretty accurate,” Rina scoffed at him, though it held no menace within it, “I thought it was pretty cute, though, how you spent so long talking to that old man when you were playing chess with him before you realised he was deaf like hours into your chess game.”  

“Multiple chess games,” she added pointedly.

He nodded, the same loving look in his eyes as he spoke more seriously, “I thought you were sincere, and that you wanted to help but just… needed someone to help you learn how to.”

He was right, you realised. You were glad he saw that in her, not many people did. And sometimes, even if they did, they didn’t believe it. You were glad they found each other, you could tell Rina could see that side of her in herself now too.

“That’s really beautiful.

“Where was your first date?” you asked, earning a sheepish look from Rina.

“Wait, wait, we should ask them to say it on three!” Johnny cut in, making you huff.

“They’re gonna say it anyway, it doesn’t matter,” you told him pointedly, Johnny’s giggles bubbling out of him as he shook his head at you.

“No, no, please, it’s more fun if they say it at the same time,” he pleaded, his tone making it hard for you to say no to him, so you hadn’t. He straightened up in his seat, turning to the couple, “No cheating, you guys. One… two… three!”

“The movies!”

“Dinner.”

Both Rina and her husband turned to look at each other in shock, bursting into laughter that left you feeling like a third wheel. Or fourth wheel, since Johnny was busy giggling as well.

“Technically, we went for dinner first and then the movies,” Rina explained, earning a nod from her husband.

“She’s right, I didn’t know if she would count the movies ‘cause she had to leave halfway so I just said dinner,” he raised his hand up, “my bad.”

“I still remember how nervous I was…” Rina laughed, “He was so formal, I kept thinking he was gonna give me some performance report halfway or something.”

You laughed, Johnny turning to look at you as you did, a small smile of his own gracing his features.

“What are your dreams for the next five years of your relationship?”

Rina shot you a look, a playful glint in her eye, the same kind that would appear whenever she was about to divulge some kind of secret from the basketball team that she wasn’t supposed to tell you.

“Actually… we’re expecting,” she admitted, Johnny practically lighting up at the news, grinning at the couple holding hands.

“That’s amazing!” Johnny spoke, turning to you almost instinctively in his want to share in the joy and anticipation with you, turning back when he realised you were looking straight ahead at the couple with a smile.

“Isn’t it?”, her husband smiled, turning to you and Johnny, “Who knows? Maybe you guys can be the godparents—”

You were about to cut in and dismiss that when Johnny had practically yelled with excitement.

“That would be an honour, we’d love to!”

You shot him a look that bordered on a glare, swatting his shoulder, anxious about how it would reflect on the both of you if you were to be so haphazard in your interview flow.

“Johnny, we’re getting off topic.”

“It’s fine, sweetheart, this is too nice not to include in the video,” he sighed wistfully, calming down slightly to look at you, a small smile lingering on his face.

“And just saying, I never said I'd be a godparent,” you added, just for good measure. You know, in case anyone got the wrong idea about yours and Johnny’s relationship.

Johnny shot you a look, “Don’t lie, you’d love it. And plus, I think we’d kill it at the whole godparent thing.”

“Whatever, this is probably gonna get edited out, anyway,” you huffed in defeat, ignoring what he said about being godparents more so because you knew he was right.

“This is exactly what we want in our videos,” he murmured, something about the ‘we’ and the ‘our’ of his words making your mind start to spin all sorts of possibilities, but you snapped out of it quickly.

It was just work. This was your project that you both had to do anyway. The ‘we’s and ‘our’s was just that. Like you said, you were gonna be professional about it.

“Guys, seriously. You may not see it on Y/N’s face, but we’re really really happy for you guys.”

You scoffed, “Shut up, Johnny. I’m more than happy for you guys, it’s really great news.”

Johnny simply shrugged.

“Hey, hey, c’mon Y/N, it’s not a competition. We’re both happy,” he teased, making you groan.

You felt like you were twenty all over again, getting in your head comparing the way he spoke so gently and so kindly to Rina when to you he only seemed to know how to tease you and make you flustered. It made you feel like you were really just his best friend’s little sister that he loved to tease, not charm or flirt like how he spoke to others like Yeri.

Then again, you knew you couldn’t necessarily complain. You couldn’t decide if you would rather him dish out his teasing comments or for him to be ‘strictly business’ towards you (like how you were trying to be towards him). Both were rather unwanted, if you were being honest.

Rina, however, clearly saw otherwise.

Approaching you after the shoot was over, she was carrying what you now realised was her freshly-groomed puppy in her arms as she sneakily made her way over to you, meeting you halfway as you were heading out of the studio for a little toilet break.

“Babe.”

You jumped from the shock, turning to see her behind you, the same playful glint in her eyes (though her puppy was simply looking at you like you were overreacting, which honestly, you did agree with. You weren’t sure why you were so on edge).

“Huh?”

“Are you okay? You look super stressed out,” she let out an amused huff, earning a sigh from you as you reached your hand out to pet her puppy.

“Honestly? I am,” you withdrew your hand from her puppy’s head, “But the worst part is that I don’t even know what I’m so wound up about, probably work. Anything I can help you with?” you laughed in spite of yourself.

She hummed, eyeing you curiously, realisation washing over her, “Yeah! As a matter of fact, when were you gonna tell me you and Johnny were seeing each other!” 

Your eyes widened, features pulling into a frown.

“Wait, sorry, what?”

Rina tilted her head at you, seeming even more confused than you were.

“You guys are together, aren’t you? I don’t know, my husband and I were saying it looked like you guys were bickering like an old married couple,” she huffed in amusement, her smile faltering when she noticed how you didn’t seem to find her words as funny as she did.

“We’re not…” you shook your head, an awkward huff of laughter leaving you, “together,” was all you could muster out.

Rina’s lips parted in shock, her eyes widening.

“You aren’t? Shit, sorry, it’s just… I don’t know, from the way he was talking about you non stop just now and ‘cause he was calling you ‘sweetheart’ I just kind of assumed- sorry, I didn’t mean to make things awkward.”

He was talking to her about you?

Even now, you couldn’t bring yourself to understand why. What could Johnny, who had only spent a few weeks with you since coming back, possibly have to say about you?

Then again, your bumble dates only needed two hours to decide you were dull, high-strung, unfunny and way too serious.

“I mean… no, no it’s alright. Uh… sorry, d’you mind? I’ve kind of been holding my pee,” you admitted, earning a shake of the head from Rina.

“No, no. It’s my bad for holding you back like this,” she smiled sheepishly, “but Y/N? Remember to rest, okay? Take care of yourself.”

Huffing in spite of yourself, you sucked in a sharp breath, “You’re the second person to tell me that in these two weeks alone. Am I doing that badly?”

“My God, not at all. You’re doing too well, in fact, for someone who hasn’t been resting. But that doesn’t mean you don’t need to,” Rina shot you a knowing look, a firm concern in her gaze, “Maybe the fact that you’re hearing it from more than one person is a sign for you to actually listen.”

Nodding, you shrugged, mustering a small smile, “Maybe.”

You bid her goodbye, brisk walking to the toilet as you mulled over her words.

The words seemed to return to you when you were walking home from work that day, hands shoved into your coat pockets and wishing you’d brought a scarf as you walked down the street, something compelling you to turn into the very exhibit you swore you’d never return to willingly.

There were only a few other people here, elderly couples and young couples and the occasional single, since it was almost closing time for the gallery. But you guessed you were thankful for that, because the photographs had stood out a lot more than when they did the first time you were here.

You didn’t know how, or why, but you’d ended up at the same picture you met Johnny in front of. The same picture of him that you’d taken on a whim, only now you were realising the picture he’d placed next to it.

It was a picture of you, though it wasn’t obvious. Your silhouette hidden by a shadow, the only thing visible being a little peek of your eye that was turned into a crescent as you seemed to be caught in the middle of a bout of laughter, looking as though you were looking at him through a glass window, as if you’d cup your hands on the glass to see through it better.

You wondered why he decided to put these photos next to each other. Sure, it was both of your perspectives, but something about you felt detached from it, feeling as though you couldn’t relate to the person you saw in the photo, as if it wasn’t you.

The light that cast a shadow over you that hid you from view, the shadows that covered your surroundings so much that it would’ve been hard to tell where you were if you weren’t the one in the moment. But the ridiculous part was, you had no recollection of when that photo of you was taken.

You wondered why it made you so upset, looking at the photo you took and looking at yourself. You were frustrated that you couldn’t see the moments for what they were. All that registered in your mind were the shadows, the melded colours, the fact that everything wasn’t certain.

About to whip out your phone to type down your thoughts in case it was useful for your advice response that you were still working on, a voice interrupted your stream of thoughts.

“Who do you think that is?”

Your head whipped around quickly to see a man about your age next to you, gaze fixed thoughtfully on the photo before turning to you with an expectant look.

“I… I don’t know,” you murmured.

Truthfully, you felt like you didn’t. The you that you knew now, was a workaholic, an anxious mind, an insecure person that desperately grappled to become their own security, someone who brushed their intuition aside and chose to rely on things that were more concrete; predictable.

That didn’t feel like who you were looking at in the picture. What this man next to you probably saw was the outer shell, hardened protectively over that same smiling girl (or what was left of her).

“Don’t you think it’s beautiful? Something about it’s so… intimate. The perspective of these two photos in particular… it’s like you can feel their love for each other radiating through it regardless of the perspective.”

Your lips parted, tongue peeking out to wet your lips that started to feel awfully dry.

“I… never thought about it that way.”

The man simply smiled, giving you a small shrug, “I guess that’s what’s nice about it. Everyone kind of sees it for what we wanna see it as.”

You guessed he was right. You didn’t feel ready to feel what you saw in those photos again, or at least you thought you weren’t ready. Even despite what you told your readers in your advice columns, you were struggling to walk the talk yourself. But you wanted to.

You wanted to really badly, to return to that feeling of the smiley girl in the photo who didn’t have to care so much about how she portrayed herself or how her words reflected on her image (and the magazine’s image), or how much she revealed to others in case they would use it against her, or how much she entrusted to others; how much she was willing to be let down. To not be afraid of vulnerability, to trust without fear of regret, to depend on people other than yourself.

You wanted it so, so badly, but at the same time, your mind was telling you that you weren’t prepared to start making your way back to that. You were too comfortable being restricted, and you knew that was the rug you were shoving all these desires under.

So, you settled for leaving the gallery, making your way home with the unsettled feeling in your chest, focusing on the crunching of dead leaves under your shoes on the footpath so you wouldn’t start wondering if Johnny would be home.

Settling yourself at the coffee table again that night, you busied yourself with typing out your reply to a submission you’d received the night before. Call you crazy, but ever since you moved into Taeil’s apartment, it was as if the universe was giving you opportunity after opportunity to pour out what you needed to hear as advice.

Reading the submission from this Suhnny Side Up person, you couldn’t help but feel like it was meant for you. Maybe you were just projecting, but whatever they wrote sounded just like something you could imagine Johnny saying. Maybe that was what frustrated you even more.

You hoped Johnny would see your reply to this submission.

You hoped he would read it and see how similar it was to both of your situations and understand that you just wanted to know that the casualness he was showing you wasn’t all there was to it because you were just so afraid that it was. Because, well, of course you still cared for him. Of course, you did.

You didn’t think you stopped. In his time away, you wondered about him, you wished him happiness. You hoped wherever he was, it would treat him well. You were accepting that truth now, the little truth that slipped out from under the rug in your heart that though he had left, your love for him hadn’t left together with him.

Perhaps, it was just your fear that was keeping you stuck where you were. Afraid to move your feet to return to that place under the olive tree where you let yourself be vulnerable and seen. You didn’t think he’d love the ‘you’ that you were now. The one that felt so different from Johnny’s photographs, the one he captured with his lens wasn’t the same one right now sitting in front of your laptop, grappling, disconnected, anxious, avoidant, striving for a level of perfection through perfect words and behaviour that couldn’t possibly be refuted.

But like you told your reader in your previous reply, you wanted to face yourself and love even the anxious, avoidant, grappling person you saw. And if a way to start doing that was by being more honest in your advice column, you wanted to keep trying.

‘Dear SSU, Fine, I won’t give you a ‘wikihow’ answer, or a textbook ‘how to make your partner forgive you’ answer. Because you asked for my answer, and I’ll start by telling you that there’s no guarantee that that person you hurt is gonna forgive you. Perhaps they’ll forgive, but if they were me, they probably won’t forget. Maybe you’re right about me being similar to the person you’re dealing with because I would hate it if that person acted casual with me too, especially if what I want is to know how that person is truly feeling, not all the casual lighthearted jokes and teasing. If I was always expecting the worst possible reaction from the person that hurt me, I don't think I'd be able to accept it easily if they just acted like nothing had happened. Honestly? Maybe you’ll be disappointed with my answer, but if it were me, I would just want to know you’re being sincere. Trust, for me, is one of the hardest thing to rebuild because it requires vulnerability. I’ll be honest with you, I went through something really similar, except I was the one that got left in the dark. And I can’t begin to describe how much I hated it. It was like being thrown into something so dreadful that you can’t avoid. Your body just begins to train itself to be ready for any possible ‘next time’ just so that you don’t get thrown into things you don’t want to feel again. The last thing I would want is to be made vulnerable again because it puts me at a risk of getting hurt again. But at the same time, even though I knew I should be at least trying to move on, there was an urge inside of me that wanted to know how they were, and it was just too strong it’s almost impossible to ignore it. You know that Taylor Swift song? I think it was ‘I almost do’, where she says ‘I bet it never, ever occurred to you that I can’t say another hello and risk another goodbye’…’

Your attention was diverted from your computer screen when you heard the shuffling of bedroom slippers into the kitchen, turning briefly to check if it was Taeil or Johnny, but the clinking of mugs let you know that it was Johnny. Taeil hasn’t used his mug in ages.

“I’m making tea. Do you want some?” he asked, earning a hum from you.

You should’ve accepted it, right? It was just tea.

“... Sure,” you shrugged, still staring at your laptop.

Maybe this was Johnny trying to rebuild that trust between the both of you, a simple extension of a ‘peace offering’ in the form of a cup of tea.

Of course that was your logic, not the fact that the offer had made you feel seen and cared for.

The smell of the tea had overwhelmed you when Johnny had brought it over, surprising you when he’d taken a seat next to you at the coffee table, an absence of a mug in his own hands, the low neckline of his worn out too-big college department shirt revealing delicate leaves and little buds that slanted and crept across his skin to his shoulder.

You swore it was an olive branch. The kind you saw on your favourite tree in his garden. Funnily enough, that you were seeing it now after thinking of his peace offering.

“What are you working on?” he asked, gaze flickering from you to your laptop.

You didn’t know what compelled you to utter your next words, as if you wanted his input on a reply that felt as though it were addressed to him.

“Do you… wanna read the submission?”

Watching him intently, cautiously, as he leaned over to let his eyes scan over the words on your screen, he hummed and nodded as he read.

“That’s what I’m working on..” you murmured, moreso just to fill the silence after he’d leant back against the foot of the sofa, a tired sigh leaving him, “thoughts? Comments?”

A small smile played at his lips, Johnny tilting his head at you with his eyebrows slightly raised, “It’s your piece, Y/N. Doesn’t matter what I think.”

You shrugged, shaking your head, “Yeah, no, I know that but still…” you trailed off, seeing Johnny purse his lips, shifting his body to face you better, resting an arm on the sofa and using his hand to support his head.

“Actually, do you believe that trust can be rebuilt?”

Your eyebrows raised slightly in response to his question, shrugging as nonchalantly as you could.

“Why do I feel like you’re asking about something else?” you murmured, seeing him huff, a small smile gracing his features.

“That didn’t answer my question.”

You huffed, “I mean, you know in this context, there’s not much information about the relationship they had and the nature of the whole thing so I can’t really answer—”

“Fine, what about in the context of us? It sounds similar, anyway,” he blurted out, both of you mirroring each other’s wide eyed expressions, equally as shocked by his words.

Your lips parted, trying to gather your words but coming up short, as if your fight or flight instinct had been triggered.

“I wanna know if you believe it’s possible… if you’re willing, of course… for trust to be rebuilt between us.”

You fiddled with your mug, bringing it up to your lips to take a sip.

“Do you?”

He let a small sigh out through his nose, nodding at you, “I do, I want it to be possible for us.”

You nodded, averting your gaze and letting it fall to your reflection in your tea, his words flitting around in your head, the implication behind it weighing heavier than anything.

“You still didn’t answer my question—”

“There’s stakes to consider, Johnny.”

Your words caught him off guard more than your tone, ‘stakes’, as if this were a risky investment instead of a pursuit of love.

“Stakes? What kind of stakes?” he prompted, more curious than confused.

Your lips parted to speak, a small huff of defeat leaving you, “Like having to lose something again.”

“Something?”

“Someone.”  

At his lack of a response, you sighed, reaching over to set your mug on the coffee table.

“I need to get back to work,” you murmured, turning your gaze back to your laptop, “thanks for the tea.”

Johnny simply sighed, nodding, moving to stand up with a soft grunt, “Don’t sleep too late.”

Waving him off, you heard his footsteps padding on the floor lightly.

“Oh, and Johnny?” you blurted.

“Hmm?” he turned, a gentle sort of attentiveness to his gaze as he looked at you, bringing up a hand to run through his hair, his lower lip between his teeth out of an unshakeable habit.

Say sorry. Tell him you just need more time. Say Goodnight. Ask him what he talked to Rina about. Tell him how you’re feeling. Tell him it’s very much possible but you just need time.

“Might wanna tell the next ex you invite to feature in our video to come prepared for my questions,” your words seemed to have a mind of their own, working for a different intention. To put up barricades. Protection. 

You couldn’t describe the feeling that overwhelmed you when you saw the way he’d grinned, a small huff of amusement leaving him as he nodded, playing along with you.

“Oh, definitely. You’re gonna have your work cut out for you.”

‘... But, you know, if the relationship that the two of you had was a space where you could be vulnerable with each other, then be in that space where you dare to feel like that again. I’m guessing there was a period of separation after you rejected them? Maybe you can start with catching up. What I would hope for, personally, is simple conversation, getting to know where the other person is at this point of time, and work from there. Understand how much has changed, how much hasn’t. What you wanted back then versus what you want now. I don’t really see it as a matter of ‘making up’ for the hurt you caused but more of… intentionally meeting them where they are, holding space for them. All I can say is that it’ll take time, but I think that’s what the both of you might need. Time where you can just be in that space with each other, acknowledge the hurt both of you may have caused, and work from there. Reconnect with the secret language neither of you could speak with anyone else. I’d like to know how your relationship progresses, if you’re comfortable with telling me. I hope this helped.

Sincerely, Moony.’   part 2

[spideymarvelws]

Playing truth or dare with college!Peter and MJ dares you to give him a (private) lap dance

This turned out to be much longer than expected

Main Masterlist / Add Yourself To My Taglists

Warnings : SMUT! (Lap dance?ish?kind of? i went a bit of script im sorry, thigh riding, grinding, dirty talk, dom!peter, innocence kink, corruption kink?, masterbation, oral[male rec], mild degrading), alcohol consumption, everyone is 18+, kinda fluffy in the beginning but we do be getting smutty real quick tho, MJ being your personal wing woman

Also please dont take drinks from strangers this is fiction and not real life, always drink responsibly :)))

Word Count : 4.8k

Behind Doors

Fratboy!Peter Parker x Fem!Reader

You tried to keep your staring to a minimum, you really did. But how could you when he stood in the middle of the crowd, glowing like an angel amongst everyone. He was laughing with his friends, his head tilted back with his eyes squeezed shut and a smile that could make anyone's day so much brighter. You wanted nothing more but to run your hands through his floppy brown hair bouncing on his head as he told his mates a story, his facial and hand movements lively when he moved them around, accentuating the words falling from his mouth.

His fit didn’t help either. A tight white t-shirt paired with blue jeans and a gold chain that hung from his neck, begging to be played with in any way. It was simplistic but made you swoon all the same. His muscles printed through the fabric didn’t help much either, his biceps almost tearing through the sleeves a mouth watering contrast to his cheerful face.

It was like staring at a greek god that radiated puppy dog energy.

“You’re not being subtle you know,” MJ whispered into you ear nudging your side with her elbow, “Just go talk to him,”

You shook your head, heat rising to your face as you averted your eyes from the brown eyed boy, turning to face your best friend, “You know i can’t do that,”

“Not with that you aren’t,” she pointed at the red solo cup you held in your hand filled halfway with orange juice. She quickly snatched the cup away from you, dumping the contents in the grass of the backyard.

“Hey!” You gasped, but made no effort to stop her.

“You need to loosen up,” she stabbed her finger into the middle of your chest, shoving her drink into your hands, “All of it, now,”

You took the cup hesitantly swirling the contents inside around for a bit, watching as the liquid moved smoothly around the sides of the plastic. You looked back up at MJ, feeling small when she stared you down with a stern look. You knew you weren’t finding a way out of this one.

“Fine,” you grumbled before tilting your head back, chugging the alcohol down. You let out a few coughs afterwards, giggling as MJ started to cheer.

“That’s my girl!” She wrapped her arm around your shoulder, pulling you into her side, “Now for about five more,”

Two hours and four drinks later, or maybe it was six you weren't keeping count, the party finally started to die down. The liquor running through your system did its job well in letting you loosen up so you could enjoy the party without being distracted by a certain brown haired boy.

You had lost MJ halfway through the night, your mind finally processing that she wasn’t by your side when you reached for her to dance with you. As you busied yourself by looking around the room, you felt someone place their hand on your lower back, sending shivers up your spine with the touch. You whipped your head around, expecting your equity intoxicated friend but only to be met with the same brown eyes you’ve been fawning over at the beginning of the night.

“Hey,” he said into your ear so that you heard it over all the noise. He moved his hand off your back after he got your attention. You tried your best to keep the tiny whine from escaping your throat at the loss of his touch. The free feeling you felt with the alcohol completely vanished with the sound of his voice turning you into that shy nerd all over again.

“Looking for someone?” He said, pushing the tips of his fingers into the front pockets of his pants.

You stood speechless, you mouth agape that Peter Parker, the Peter Parker was talking to you. MJ was wrong, no amount of alcohol could’ve prepared you for the moment. At least you didn't scurry away like a mouse like you would’ve if you were fully sober.

“I- uh,” you coughed, trying to get some words out but failing miserably.

“Sorry, It’s just I saw you looking around,” he scratched the back of his neck, chuckling at your flustered state. His cheeks starting to turn a light pink which made you swoon even harder, “I assume you’re looking for MJ, since you were with her for most of the night,”

“Oh, right,” you mumbled, laughing awkwardly, looking down to the ground, “How did you know I was with her?”

“You guys are always together!” He smiled showing off his pearly whites, “Around campus you know? I’ve seen you guys together in my classes as well,”

“You noticed me?” You whispered, mainly to yourself but he managed to pick up your words, making you even more embarrassed than before.

“Of course!” He passed his hand through his hair, looking straight into your eyes, “How could I not Y/n?”

You stood speechless, your mouth opening and closing as if you wanted to say something but changed your mind last minute. Millions of thoughts ran through your brain per second, the most frequent being your name rolling off his tongue.

“Anyways, uh, the main reason i came was to bring you to MJ,” he chuckled nervously, seeming just as flustered as you, “She’s in one of the spare bedrooms with some of the boys, we’re playing a good ole’ game of truth and dare,” he voice raised adorably, making you giggle lightly, “You don’t need to join or anything, but i don’t think you would want to be alone out here,”

“Yeah!” you replied a bit to quickly, shaking your head at your enthusiasm, “I mean, yeah, I would like to join you,”

“Sick!” He smiled brightly, grabbing your hand. Your eyes widened at the action as he pulled you through the crowd, you looked down at the ground, allowing him to maneuver you around the mass of bodies.

“Just so you don’t get lost,” he said, looking back at you, pointing out your intertwined hands.

“Of course!” You said back, holding back your squeals of excitement.

You were honestly surprised with how sweet he was acting towards you. Despite his status as part of the biggest frat on campus, his reputation upholded him as the good boy of the group, the one who helped old lady’s across the street or bought lunch for you when you didn't have the money. Sure, you saw this on multiple occasions but to experience it for yourself was a nice change, and just solidified your crush on him even more.

When he reached the stairway vacant of anybody, he still didn't let go of your hand, only tightening his fingers around yours. He walked down the dark hallway and approached a door ,giving you a reassuring smile before turning the knob and pushing it open, revealing around eight or nine people. Some laid on the bed, beers in hand as they laughed while others sat on the couch. You spotted MJ on the floor, laughing with Harry Osborn.

“Who’s the chick Parker?” One of the boys said, silencing the room and putting everyone's attention on you.

“This is Y/n,” he gestured towards you, “Y/n, everyone,” Peter finally let go of your hand, popped himself on the edge of the bed, picking up a beer from the side table and nodding his head at the empty space besides him.

You looked towards MJ panicked, but all she did was mouth ‘go’ with a shit eating grin. You sneered back at her, rolling your eyes as you walked up to the bed, bending your right leg back to sit on your calf while the other dangled over the edge.

“You’ll be fine, don’t worry,” Peter leaned into your ear, whispering gently, “Again, you don’t have to do anything you don’t have to,”

You pouted at his actions, melting at the fact that he was so observant with you. You looked down at his beer, before looking back up at him. If you were going to get through the rest of the night, you needed to be absolutely wasted.

“Do you have another beer?” You asked him, pointed to his bottle.

“You could just have mine,” he offered his drink, passing it off to you.

You bit your lip, taking a long swig of the liquid, “Thank you,”

Before the both of you could converse any longer, a girl with short blond hair you knew from English, called out from the corner, “Okay, okay, who wants to go next?”

“I think Y/n should go,” flash said, holding up his bottle towards you, “She’s the new one isn’t she?”

Peter looked at you, silently asking if you needed him to say anything. But you decided to take things into your own hands for the first time that night.

“Yeah, I’ll go,” you said, taking another swig of beer.

“Alright Y/n,” Harry said smugly, leaning back on his forearm, “Truth or dare?”

You thought about it for a bit, missing the smug look on MJ’s face as you muttered, “Dare”

“I dare you to give Peter a lap dance,” she said immediately, leaning back as she held in her laugh at your washed out face, “I mean we could send you to the other room if you want more privacy,”

You sat speechless and once again wanted to melt into the sheets beneath you. You felt Peter’s hand wrap around yours, giving him your attention.

“Only if you want to,” he muttered, giving you a soft smile.

“I-,” you took a deep breath, trying to gather the little confidence you had left, “Which room?”

Hollers and shouts bounced off the walls, as everyone hyped both of you up. Peter stood, pulling you up with him, leading you out the room.

“Take as much time as you need!” You heard MJ shout after you before the door closed, leaving you and Peter alone once again.

Your heart pounded inside your chest as Peter guided you once again to another room. You gulped, wondering if you had made the right decision so give a lap dance to your crush. He didn’t say anything as he knocked on a door, opening it when he didn't hear any noise come from the room.

“After you,” he said politely.

“Thank you,” you said shyly, walking to the middle of the room.

Peter closed the door behind him, leaning against the wood, “Sooooo,” he dragged looking you up and down, “I- uh, didn't expect you to say yes,”

“Me neither,” you chuckled, looking down to the floor.

“I mean if you don’t want to, it’s just a silly bet,” Peter said, fiddling with his fingers.

“Do-,” you coughed, “Do you want me too?”

“It’s up to you really,”

“But would you mind if i-“

“I mean I wouldn’t be against it-,”

You both laughed nervously falling into silence after that. You looked around the room, finding interest with everything besides him. You were fidgety, playing with your fingers while tapping your foot on the floor rapidly to calm your nerves. It was stupid, you’ve been dreaming about him for so long, and now that you were finally in a room together you clamed up, not knowing what to do in his presence.

Peter on the other hand kept his gaze on you, his eyes racking your body up and down. He wasn't going to lie to himself and say that he’d never thought of this moment, the moment where you and him were finally together, in a room, all alone.

You were different from the girls he was used to in the frat. You were untouched, well to his knowledge, you were a clean slate and from the small confrontations he’s had with you, he could tell you were obedient too.

He wanted so bad to just have his way with you, to absolutely ravish you like he did in his dreams. But he wanted to savour it. After so long of watching you pin over him, purely to feed his ego, he was ready to take things to the next level and what better way than with a good lap dance. Sure he was the good guy, both as himself and as his alternate persona as a hero, but when it comes to you, all his morals were thrown out the window.

Besides, you were both intoxicated and he didn't want your first time together to be at a stupid party in a room he was barely familiar with.

After a few more seconds of silence, Peter decided to take things into his own hands, to make his fantasy a reality, or to just get it started at least. He was the first to make a move, walking right up to you, taking your chin between his fingers, tilting your head up to look at him while his other hand made its way to the side of your waist, pulling you closer.

“Y/n?” He asked, swiping his thumb across your lips. He may have an unhealthy obsession with them but it didnt matter because in the next few moments he would make them his, “I’m not stupid you know,”

You blinked rapidly, tilting your head to the side at his statement, confused and slightly hurt.

Peter only chuckled, slipping his thumb between your lips for a split second before pulling it back out and resting it back on your plump lip, testing the waters, “I said i noticed you, and when I mean I noticed you,” he leaned forward, placing his lips near your ear, “I meant everything, down to the constant heart eyes,”

You held your breath, not knowing how to feel, what to think. Peter Parker, the Peter Parker, was standing in front of you, playing with your lips with such close proximity, telling you that he was aware of your existence. That there was a chance that he might feel the same way about you.

You had to remind yourself that this was just a bet, that he didn’t mean anything he was saying. He was only doing it because he had to. Even if he was a sweet boy by heart, he still had a reputation for sleeping around, that to him you were just another girl to add to his collection. 

But when he pushed his thumb into your mouth, you knew you'd fall victim as well.

“Mhh,” he hummed, “such a good girl, just like i knew you’d be,” suddenly, he pulled his thumb out of your mouth and sat back down on the bed, pulling you to straddle his lap, “Now, i believe you have a dare to fulfill,”

“I- uh,” you stuttered, hesitantly placing your hands on his shoulder as you settled into his hold.

“You’ve never done this before, have you princess?” Peter mumbled, hovering his lips over yours.

“i-,” you shook your head, lost for words when he called you princess.

He hummed, one of his hands gripping your waist while the other laided on your cheek, rubbing the soft skin with his thumb, “Let’s start off slow then,” his thumb moved to your mouth once more, playing with the bottom lip. You sat frozen, letting him take control. You didn't trust your body to move, you could barely even talk.

“I’ve always wondered what it was like to kiss these perfect lips,” he whispered, moving to kiss your neck, trailing his way up to the corner of your mouth, “I’d imagine you’ve though the same,”

You nodded, tightening your hold on his shoulders. Peter laughed, his breath hot on your face.

“You’re going to need to say something if you want me to continue princess,”

“Yes,” you squeaked, clearing your throat, embarrassed by your quick response, “Yes, I-uh, I’ve thought about this, yeah,”

“Hmm, good,” he mumbled before finally latching his lips on yours, keeping your face close with his hand.

His lips were rougher that you imagined, probably from constantly licking them for most of the night. But the more you kissed, your mouths opening and closing with each other like its own dance, the more wet and lustful it became. You could feel your body begin to relax into his, melting into the warmth. His confidence only grew with the soft moans escaping your mouth, quickly slipping his tongue inside when your lips parted, exploring your mouth with vigour and purpose.

Your breath hitched in response, using your own tongue to match his movements and tangling it with his, fighting for dominance you were sure he was going to win. Your fingers ran through his hair, tugging at the short curls at the base of his neck, smiling when he groaned into your mouth. You beamed at him when you finally pulled away, a string of spit connected your lips.

“This seems more than just a lap dance,” you let out a shaky sigh, resting your forehead against his.

He chuckled, using his hands to bring your hips closer to his crotch, your dress rolling further up around your waist.

“Then what are you waiting for,” he said cockily, leaning back on his forearms, looking back at you expectantly.

You let out a breath, readjusting yourself on his lap before moving your hips slowly. Your pussy barely made contact with his now hard cock poking through his jeans, teasing it ever once in a while when your panties brushed the tent. You smirked, despite not knowing what the hell you were doing, it seemed like you were doing a decent job.

“Don’t get to cocky princess,” he groaned, squeezing your waist tightly, “You forget that I’m the one in charge here,”

You bit your lip, muttering a soft sorry.

He hummed, nudging his nose with yours, “Let me help you then,” 

He grasped your hips, pulling your it closer to his crotch, grinding it against your core. You let him guide you with his hands, following his lead supporting yourself with your own hands clutching on to his shoulder.   

He let out a long sigh, his head falling back. You took that as the queue to grind faster, enjoying the effect you had on him with such a simple movement. Your confidence grew with the noises escaping his throat along with the occasional praise only fueling your need.

In a rush of the moment, you moved your hands to the back of his neck, pulling him into a needy kiss. It was much more sloppier and messier than the previous one, your focus more on moving your hips than keeping your lips in sync with his.

But you wanted more. As much as you enjoyed Peter’s eyes trailing your body, his hands exploring your waist and the angelic look on his face, you couldn't help but wonder if it stopped there. If you could make his moans louder, his hips jut against your with need, just as much as you needed him.

After a few more moments, an idea popped into your head with the faint sound of music coming from downstairs.

“Peter,” you decided to purr in your ear, biting your lip when his eyes fluttered open, dark and filled with lust.

“Yes princess,” He cooed, moving his hands back to your waist while keeping eye contact, brushing his lips over yours. But before he could fully kiss you, you pulled away, giggling at the little whine he let out.

“What is it?” he pouted, rolling his eyes when you didn’t respond, only biting your lip in thought. He grabbed your jaw, focussing your gaze back on him, “You were being such a good girl, what happened hmm?”

“I- I have an idea,” you gulped, the confidence you felt seconds ago melting away under his stare, “Do you have a speaker?”

He nodded his head, pointed to a desk in the corner with a small black speaker sitting on top. You smirked, hopping off his lap and running to the box. Peter leaned back on hands, watching with curious eyes as you pulled out your phone from your jacket pocket, tapping it open and typing in your password.

“What’s going through that head of your princess,” he mumbled, but loud enough for you to hear.

You only giggled in response, playing around with the speaker to turn in on. After a few more seconds of fiddling, you spun around with your phone in hand and a teasing smile on your face. Your finger pressed down on the screen, the room filling with the song Love Is A Bitch by Two Feet.

He scoffed, “And here I am thinking you were just an innocent little thing,” 

You bit your lip, looking down shyly and placing your phone on the table, your back facing him, “I just wanted to set the mood,”

“Was grinding down on me not enough?” he teased, “Are you always this greedy?”

You let out a breath before turning around, your heart practically beating out of your chest, “Only with you,”

You glanced up at the brunette face, nervous that maybe you took it too far. It was just a simple lap dance, nothing more and nothing less and you should've kept it that way. But the kiss was addicting, keeping you in a daze where all you wanted was more. More of his touch, his mouth, his taste.

You’ve wanted him for so long and now that you dipped your toes in the waters, you wanted to dive in and never come out. What really kept you going was his reactions to your touch, the small grunts and moans escaping his mouth because of you. He wanted this as much as you did or else he would’ve shut you down by now, right?

You were just getting ahead of yourself.

“Come here Y/n,” he almost growled, his eyes never leaving you while you shuffled your way between his legs, yelping when he gripped your waist and pulled you back down. Instead of straddling his waist, he moved you so your legs were on either side of his left thigh.

You went to speak but the gripped your jaw with his forefinger and thumb, forcing your eyes on him.

“You never fail to surprise me princess,” he whispered, his free hand trailing up your waist, brushing past your breasts, “I thought I had to treat you like a good girl, take my time with you” he chuckled darkly, “Turns out you need this just as much as I do, my greedy, desperate little thing,”

You bit your lip, tucking your head in the crook of his neck to avoid his stare. The pet names he gave you was already enough to leave you a mess but adding ‘my’ in front of it made you melt. You wanted to be his, you wanted him to take control of your body and use you as he pleased. He adjusted his thigh, having it bump against your clothed pussy. Heat rose to your face when you let out a small whimper, settling back on his leg, craving the friction but you didn’t move, waiting for specific instructions.

“You weren’t so shy before, what happened?” he kissed the shell of your ear, “Go on princess, ride my thigh like the desperate whore I know you are,” 

Without thinking you began to grind your pussy along his thigh, your face growing hotter when you felt the wetness seep on to his jeans. Peter kept his hands on your waist, keeping your movements at his own past, occasionally bouncing his leg, enjoying the little whines you let out. When you started moving faster, he knew you were nearing your high.

“Princess, look at me,” he grunted,“I want to see that pretty face when you cum,”

You let out a shaky sigh, pulling your head up to face him but you could barely keep your head up, too concentrated on moving your hips against the rough fabric of his jeans. He quickly recognised this and wrapped his hand around your throat, squeezing lightly to get some of your attention. 

“Peter,” you whimpered, near to tears with how close you were to climaxing, “Peter please,”

“What is it princess? You want to cum? Is that it?”

You nodded quickly, “Please,”

“Go ahead princess,” he grinned, smashing his lips against your to swallow your moans as you came on his thigh, your hips moving in slow strokes to prolong the feeling. You pulled away after a few moments of feverish kissing, your arms falling limp around his shoulders.

“Fuck,” you sighed, your forehead falling against his with the breathless laugh, “That was-”

“Great? Amazing? The best experience of your life?” he laughed, falling back against the mattress, pulling you down with him. You giggled, shoving your face in his neck and inhaling his comforting scent.

“Yeah,” you turned your head to face him, pouting when a piece of his hair fell in front of his stunning eyes. You moved it out of his face, kissing his nose in the process, “I liked it a lot,”

“That’s good, that’s good,” he whispered, tightening his arms around you.

All of a sudden you felt something poke at the inside of your thigh. It took you a few moments to realise that he was hard and was probably aching to get off at this point in the night. 

“Do- do you want me to help?” you said shyly, sitting up on your hands to fully face him.

“You don't have to princess,” his hands passed up and down your waist, “Seeing you fall apart from my thigh is all I needed tonight,”

The twitch of his eye and dryness of his lips told you otherwise. 

“Are you sure?” you bit your lip, moving your hand slowly down to his hard on, “because I don’t mind helping Petey,”

You didn’t know where the nickname came from but it was too late to take it back. Judging by the dark look in his eyes and the almost cynical look on his face he didn’t mind.

“You want to help me princess? Are you sure you know what you’re in for?”

You shook your head eagerly, “Just tell me what you want,”

“And what if i want you to suck my cock?”

“I would do it,”

“Do what?”

“Su- suck your cock,” you replied bashfully looking down at your hands now intertwined on his stomach.

“Aww, is my princess getting shy?” he fake pouted, “After getting off on my thigh like a slut, you’re getting shy about taking me in your mouth?”

“I-”

“It’s alright princess i’ll guide you through it,” he reached down to unzip his jeans, shuffling awkwardly to push them down so he could get his member out. You watched as his hard dick slapped against his chest, big and throbbing.

He moved your hips back so that you straddled his legs this time, taking your hand and raising it to your mouth.

“Spit,” he instructed, looking up at you with hunger, “Now,”

You hesitantly spit into your hand, watching in awe as the wad fell into your hand.

“Good girl,” he sighed, moving your hand to wrap your small finger around the base of his cock, “Have you ever jerked someone off princess?”

“Just two,” you respond hesitantly.

Peter gritted his teeth, trying to get the idea of you touching anyone else out of his mind, “Well let's make this your third and final guy hmm?” his breath hitched when you started to move your hand up and down his cock, “You’re mine now princess,”

In the spur of the moment you leaned down, licking the red tip of his member, “Only yours,” you whispered before taking him halfway in your mouth, gagging and pulling yourself back up.

“Take your time princess,” he gulped, “fuck but you could do that again if you’d like though,”

You giggled, licking and kissing the sides of his cock and taking it once more, reaching further than this time than you did the last. You bobbed your head continuously only raising your head to take a breath and going in again.

“Fuck princess, I knew your mouth would be good,” he groaned, “You’re doing so well, taking my cock so good down your throat, fuck!”

You smiled around his length, the back of your throat contracting around the tip making him moan your name. Before he could praise you even more, someone's voice cut his words off.

“Everything alright in there?” MJ said through the door but you were too lost in your daze to answer or recognise her voice.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Peter smirked, pushing you to take the rest of his cock, “We’re just going to take longer than expected,”

...

Part two maybe??

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Peter Parker Taglist : @ietss @itscaminow @dummiesshort @seutarose @cebaratn16 @lanceyfancypants @clara-licht @sadassflatass @usuck @yeah-seems-legit @lolasm0nst3r

Crossed out means i couldn't tag :(

[nakedbibi333]

hi! im kind of new to law of assumption and old to law of attraction. law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused. i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier? i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc. i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof?? i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine? like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results. i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting. i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong?? I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me. I can even dm you, just please help me so I can actually manifest what I want. I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking. I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet. I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want. I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist

Hi! Okay, so since this is a very long post, I will try to answer each of your questions/concerns in the order you mention them.

So about persisting, I can understand how it seems a bit complicated. You persist when, after a certain period of time, you still don't see movement of your desires manifesting OR if you see the OPPOSITE of your desires manifest. Oftentimes, when you finally open up your mind to the idea that your mind creates your reality, then some past doubts and fears can manifest as well. Your mind will often try to manifest opposite things in order to make you feel like you are doing something wrong, which is why so many loa teachers say to persist. It can be very difficult for people to persist, which is why so many people feel like they can't manifest, or that manifestation isn't real, because their 3D reality has too much weight in their lives, so they take it as truth and end up giving up on their desires manifesting. It's important to begin to believe that your 3D reality is extremely malleable and is only a reflection of your inner reality. You need to take the power away from the 3D and give it to yourself and your ability to create exactly what you want.

Then you ask about proof of manifestation. It is very true and understandable that other people's success stories are not enough for many people because you want to be able to trust the information that you are going to be getting into. Personally, before getting into manifestation, I already had my fair share of unexplainable success stories in my life, so it just seemed like an answer to the questions I've had all my life. Even with these success stories and experiences, when I first got into manifestation, I still would doubt myself by wondering if it was simply a coincidence these things happened, or worse, that I was becoming delusional. I want to tell you that every single person who is now into manifestation has gone through this feeling. We all worry that we are just doing "wishful thinking" and being delusional because the world we have grown up in has always been so practical. It's not easy to believe in something that seems so impossible without any previous personal experience. So, the only advice I can give you for this is to try to manifest extremely small things to build your faith over time, such as seeing a yellow butterfly, getting your favorite food, or seeing some sort of sign, so that you would know that what we are talking about is actually the truth. Also, there are so many documents that go more in-depth on how our minds create our reality, including CIA documents and books about the science of manifestation, such as books by Joe Dispenza, and books about the subconscious mind, such as books by Joseph Murphy, and many many more. Since the only way, you will really believe in manifestation is by having your own experiences, then manifesting small easy things is probably the best route.

Then, you mention how you're worried about "someone manifesting failure into your reality." My view on this is that you are the only person who can affect your life and nothing can happen to you that you don't specifically manifest into your reality (whether it be consciously or unconsciously). Everyone can manifest, yes. Everyone has control over their reality. You can even manifest people acting in certain ways towards you. But that's in your experience specifically. If we are talking about quantum physics, time is not linear, technically all possibilities of all time, ever, exists right now. We also shift through different realities at every moment depending on our mindset, beliefs, and decisions. So, if someone manifests something in their life that would affect "you" but does not align with your thoughts and beliefs, then it won't show up in your reality. You have control over your own reality, nothing comes into your life without you allowing it, so that's a very empowering thought, in my opinion. I really suggest that you affirm this so that you don't have to worry about others manifesting negativity over your life because you would never personally decide to manifest it into your own life.

I also want to talk about how you worry about affirming wrong or simply manifesting wrong. It's Important to note that these beliefs can also negatively affect your manifestation because that is not you truly living in the end. If you were living in the end, you would know that simply deciding that you want this to happen, means that it will happen and that it has to happen. You never need to doubt your manifesting process because your subconscious mind is so powerful and it is so easy to make it do things for you! Just like what @divineangelbee says, you can COMMAND your subconscious mind and it will listen and give you exactly what you want. You don't have to visualize or affirm or do anything. Simply tell your subconscious exactly what you want it to do and trust that it listens! I really think that the reason that you have not been having too much success is because of this, that you are constantly doubting your methods which keeps you from truly living in the end.

Then, about limiting beliefs. It can be beneficial to people to be aware of their limiting beliefs. However, there has been such an intense focus on limiting beliefs in the loa community (mostly on youtube) that I see so much. Coaches keep you focused on the problem of limiting beliefs so much that they don't actually help you move on from them. Personally, I found that whenever I focused on my limiting beliefs, it was like living in the old story. (if you don't get this reference, I seriously suggest you read or listen to Neville Goddard's lectures in which he talks about the law of assumption. They are life-changing). Focusing on limiting beliefs keeps you stuck in that story you are telling yourself about your life. It keeps you from overcoming them and becoming limitless. It helps me to affirm that my limiting beliefs no longer have the power to hold me back. I don't have any more limiting beliefs because I manifested not having them anymore. Manifestation works in many different ways, and a lot of people don't realize that you can simply manifest your desired mindset as well. I suggest trying this!

So, to make this as clear as possible, I will tell you how I personally manifest (disclaimer: people manifest differently, many different things work for different people, I am not saying this is the only or best way to manifest, but this is just what works for me).

First, I get my idea of what I want to manifest. Usually, I want to manifest multiple things at a time, there really is no limit.

Then, I will decide what will help me "feel it real" and "live in the end." This can include techniques, but I don't use techniques every time. I don't like to visualize because I am personally a maladaptive daydreamer, so visualizing makes me feel like I am daydreaming, which keeps me from really feeling like it's really happening. (But, if it works for you, by all means, go for it) I may print out a picture if it's a physical item in order to trick my brain into having something physical that represents this or adding it to a Pinterest vision board (I am a very visual person, so it always works for me). I also like to make a list of what I want just to keep it in a place that I can go back to and mark off in the future, telling my brain that this is a goal I need to achieve (I find that my brain loves to check things off of my goals, it makes my subconscious mind already start working towards the goal). But most of the work goes into my mindset. I don't affirm a lot because I feel like it becomes a chore if I have to recite affirmations all day every day. I may put up affirmations on my chalkboard or put them on my computer, but I don't make it a habit to really say them at specific times, etc. I really focus on making myself feel deserving of getting my manifestation and I also live in the end. Living in the end is where you feel confident that your desire is already yours. If it helps, which it does for me, I like to believe that I have it already in the "quantum field," or the 5D, or however you believe in it. It is not about being delusional and pretending like you have it, no, it's about feeling trusting in your own power to make this happen for you and it will come, no matter what.

After that, I "drop it." I don't forget about it or stop desiring it, that's not what letting go means. It means that I know that I don't need to do anything or force anything to happen because my subconscious, or the universe, will bring this to me and I don't need to worry about anything related to my desire. I also self-regulate my emotions by meditating, focusing on the things that make me happy, and reminding myself of how powerful and capable I am.

Then, eventually, it manifests. Or, if it doesn't come in the timeframe I wanted it to, or if something that would oppose my desire pops up, I focus on my own self-concept, making sure I genuinely feel deserving of and that I can get what I want, and I persist in that feeling that my desire is still mine. No matter if I got rejected, no matter if they told me I couldn't get the job, no matter if it looks like it won't happen. I still persist. and then it comes.

Finally, I want to mention that I am only here to give advice and I can't make anything physically happen for you. To see actual movement in your reality, you need to be willing to go through failures in order to find out what works for you. I have had manifestations fail, I have had MANY manifestations fail. It's not always a perfect process. I don't charge money, my identity is not on this page, I am not here to be a famous coach or to act like I know any better than anyone else. I am just trying to help you guys reach the point that you deserve to get to in your life. But I can only do so much. I really hope this helps.

[thegodwithin]

hi! im kind of new to law of assumption and old to law of attraction. law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused. i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier? i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc. i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof?? i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine? like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results. i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting. i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong?? I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me. I can even dm you, just please help me so I can actually manifest what I want. I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking. I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet. I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want. I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

Hey, so I just want to say that I really understand you. It’s funny how as I read your ask for the first time it really stood out to me how it was reflecting my current state at that moment so thank you for sending it. I will try my best to answer your questions but I'm still figuring this stuff out myself so I'm also just going to recommend some material that should help. I’ll put all the links at the end of the reply.

I have broken up your ask into several different topics and I’ll be addressing each one separately so please bear with me here.

This is the longest reply I've ever written so the rest is under the cut

law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused.

i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc.

I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

The first and most important thing I want to say to you is that you should really learn from the source material, which as far as I’m concerned here is Neville Goddard. I know there are other teachers like him but he’s the main source most blogs and youtubers make their content from. And frankly a lot of posts on tumblr seem to really simplify and reduce things to the point where you get to this idea that it’s all just affirming and persisting which I really can’t agree with. That’s a conclusion one can reach after learning this stuff, processing it, experimenting with it and realizing what works best for them. But there are certainly other factors involved in the process, whether the person was aware of them or not. This also goes for youtubers and coaches in general. All these people are speaking based on their own experiences with the law. Through the lenses of their own beliefs, limitations, etc. So it’s only natural that they will sound different from each other and their message and style might not resonate with every person in the same way. Which is why you’re not supposed to just accept everything you hear or read at face value. Apply it, experiment with it and make your own conclusions.

like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results.

Most of us come into contact with the law from a negative situation and looking for a quick fix, and what we end up finding is a whole lot more than we ever bargained for. These teachings challenge everything we have ever known and accepted as absolute unchangeable truths in the world. And we are also dared to accept the responsibility that we were the cause of our entire lives?! It’s a lot to take in. You can’t be one foot in and one foot out. You’re trying to manifest something but you’re not seeing results. If you’re looking for results then you weren’t truly committed to living in the end and you haven’t really changed. You must notice the change within first, before the outside world can reflect that. You just give yourself what you want in your mind, and you keep doing it, day in and day out, with complete disregard for what your outer senses are telling you, until it hardens into a fact.

i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier?

Battling with the 3d can certainly be painful and it just turns into a vicious cycle, because the more attention you pay to something, the more it gets perpetuated in your reality and in your experiences. I’ll be honest with you, sometimes I struggle with this as well. If anything, at least remember to prioritize your feelings at every given moment. If you notice that you’re feeling bad / reacting negatively to the 3d, stop and ask yourself: what do I want? or what do I want to feel?

Usually when I do that my mind automatically shows me the answer and then if I can enter the reality (within me, in my mind with my thoughts and feelings) where those things are true, suddenly that circumstance I was just reacting to doesn’t matter anymore. Because I feel fulfilled within now.

Just start allowing yourself to have what you want, no matter what. Practice putting yourself first, before anything else, before the circumstances around you, before what others might say or do. Even if the 3d looks bad right now, you deserve to feel what you want, you don’t have to keep putting yourself down because you haven’t seen an outside change yet. And the truth is that you won’t see a change if you keep watching the 3d and taking score from it. Because it can only change after you do. Because it’s a reflection of you. Allow yourself to feel that relief and satisfaction, in your imagination, everyday. Make it a habit and little by little you will have changed your mindset, entering a new reality.

Everything in your 3d world is an illusion in the sense that it’s not the truth. And this is because everything that you experience with your senses, in your 3d world is a direct reflection of you. You are everything, and you are everywhere you go and every person you meet. You can only ever experience yourself, nothing else. Nothing exists outside of you. Everything begins and ends with you.

and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine?

You are God of your own reality. There’s only you in your reality. Nothing else and no one else. So everything and everyone that shows up is under your influence. IN YOUR REALITY. You can’t really access other people’s realities or inner worlds, and likewise they can’t reach yours. Even what you perceive as things outside of you pertaining to other people’s lives and experiences are still coming in through your own lenses, of the concept you have of that person, of the expectations and beliefs you have about them. This is why you shouldn’t bother with anything but yourself. Because it’s a waste of energy. Because everything you will ever perceive will come through you first. You can’t experience anything but yourself, your beliefs and your expectations. If you believe others can influence your reality then you are living from fear and you are giving your power away.

i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof??

Instead of trying to manifest things in order to “see proof”, just let things happen and watch yourself during the process. Start really paying attention to what you’re thinking and feeling on a daily basis. Notice that your thoughts and reactions come from a certain state of being. Notice how people act in ways that you expect them to, because “that’s just how they are”.No, it’s because that’s the concept you hold of them in your reality, and they treat you according to the concept you hold of yourself. By doing this you will start to realize the connection between what has shown up in your life so far, and the person you were identifying with within. And when I say identifying with, I don’t mean something like an affirmation such as “I’m confident”. Your identification and basically your self concept comes from your perspective, the way you see things, the way you react to things and the way you act, the thoughts you have and what you accept as true. Those will show you who you really are.

i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them

The thing with success stories is that as much as they can be motivational, the process and the factors are always the same. They succeeded because they managed to change their mindset, they entered a new reality (within), they changed their dwelling place (the state of being they return to the most) and their outer reality simply reflected that change. Their circumstances are irrelevant and the only thing setting them apart is the techniques they used and how long it took for them to actually shift their mindset and accept the new reality they wanted. Techniques are not really that relevant because they only serve to aid you into moving states. So at this point it’s really just about what works best for you.

i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong??

There’s no such thing as affirming wrong. And please take affirming off the pedestal. It’s just a technique and you don’t need to use it if it’s troubling you. Affirmations are just thoughts you would be having if you were living in the end. So their purpose is only to help make you feel like you are living in the wish fulfilled. There’s no point in affirming all day long if you keep feeling like you’re in the same old shitty reality. Again it’s the same thing I’ve been saying before. You can’t affirm for two opposite things at the same time and get the result you want. Use affirmations as much as you like but watch yourself for the rest of the time.

The reason this isn’t a trying process is because you’re not attempting to do anything to get something. You are simply being in a different way. You are changing your mind, changing your thoughts, choosing better feelings. This is a lifestyle change. If you accept the law, your entire perception changes. Nothing is ever the same as it used to be. This can be a hard pill to swallow but at some point you gotta be honest with yourself. There is no trying. There is only doing and there is only being.

i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting.

I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want

You’re exhausted because you keep going back and forth between what you want and what has shown up. You need to pick one side and stick to it. You need to dive so deep into the feeling of what you want to the point where thinking the opposite feels unnatural. I know you don’t wanna hear this but thinking you’re doing something wrong really is also getting in your way. Think about it this way: you’re in the end goal, you’re there, it’s done, you got it. Would you be thinking about ANY of this stuff if that was the case? Would you be doubting and having all these fears and looking around everyday to make sure it’s still there? We both know you wouldn’t.

You just can’t have it and wonder where it is at the same time. You have to stick to the end goal and reject anything that contradicts that.

I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me

People say manifesting is easy and fun because you’re just supposed to satisfy yourself within by giving yourself what you want. If it feels like a chore then you're not giving yourself what you really want. You are focusing on what you think you should be doing and you are also keeping yourself hostage to your unwanted circumstances. If your desires are so important to you then stop putting conditions on them, stop looking for excuses to deny yourself of them. Get drunk in the feeling and the knowing of their fulfilment. Let go of all the doubts and fears, turn your back on your senses telling you it’s not here yet. Be stubborn and stop taking no for an answer.

You’re coming from a place of: I have all these unwanted circumstances and I want to have xyz instead, but no matter what I do, things aren't changing.

If you had xyz by now, would you still be repeating the unwanted circumstances in your head? Would you be thinking about them? Would you be reacting to them? Would you be identifying with this version of yourself that can’t get what you want?

No! You would be living your life, doing the things you enjoy, your duties and responsibilities, resting in the knowledge that you got that desire. It’s a reality now. It’s part of your life. You’d be living from that perspective.

You're keeping the unwanted stuff in place by reaffirming them, by looking at it everyday and going “yep, still here!”, you’re still accepting it as true for you. You can’t keep your attention on something without getting more of it. You need to die to the unwanted reality. Never to be seen again.

I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking.

Self concept is not a technique that you do once a day. Self concept is who you are. It’s how you behave and what you think all the time, every day, all day. It's what you believe and accept as true for you in all aspects. I think this community has been breaking up the law into bits and pieces, as if there are all these separate factors and steps you need to take, and it’s done more damage than good because it’s actually literally all the same thing, it’s all connected. Once you change through the means of one aspect, the other aspects change automatically. Self concept, mental diet, states, it’s all connected, they all lead to the same destination, you. Neville uses these terms interchangeably, to get his point across in the best way he sees fit at that moment, but he’s always talking about the same thing. So bottomline is that if you “keep breaking”, then you’re still in the process of change, you’re going from one state to the other, from unwanted to wanted. Back and forth. You’re still falling for the illusion of the 3d world and you’re still feeling the pull of your old story. You need to take a stand and decide that enough is enough. No longer accept what you don’t want. You’re the only one making the choice here. No one is forcing you to stay in the unwanted mindset but your own habits and comfort zone.

I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet.

Look, there’s nothing to combat here. There’s no war going on. It’s all just you. You don’t have any blocks or limiting beliefs you need to overpower. This isn’t a good perspective to hold. You ARE the power. I fought these types of statements for a long time but I can understand it now. You need to stop focusing on limiting beliefs or blocks. Stop thinking AND believing that you have problems that are getting in your way and that you need to overcome them. By holding this perspective, you’re only going to create more problems to overcome. Remember what I’ve been saying that you’re in the end now? Are there any blocks in the end? When the wish is fulfilled? I don’t think so and neither do you! I want you to take the challenge to declare to yourself that you no longer have any limitations. It’s all gone! You’re free now! I want you to wake up everyday and before you get out of bed, you remind yourself that hey, all that stuff is gone now! Nothing to worry about anymore! How good is that?!

I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want.

You keep the faith in the unseen by believing and trusting in yourself. If you accept that you can do anything, that you deserve what you want, that you are the operant power and that everything is coming FROM you, then you know all you need is yourself. Idk it truly is a leap of faith, you need to make a choice. Do you want to live by what is outside of you, or by what’s within you? If you accept the law as true, then you have no choice but to start living by what’s within you. If you’re still sitting there thinking that your world is ruled by the circumstances outside of you then you don’t believe a tiny bit in any of this stuff. You’re truly wasting your time if you hold that perspective in place.

Okay I hope this whole essay I spent hours on helps! Now let’s get you those recs!

You can read most if not all of Neville's work for free here: https://realneville.com/

These are my current favorite Neville Based Teachers:

I am Love / Feeling Twisty (he's also on apple podcasts and spotify I believe)

Here's my own personal playlist of Neville based videos on youtube

There's a LOT of good stuff on reddit tbh, here's pretty much everything I have saved from there:

(ps.: it's good to check the comments on reddit posts because there's usually discussions happening and you can find some good pointers)

EdwardArtSupplyHands Series / Quote

ALLISMIND:

Feelings are your power

How thoughts and beliefs become reality

Overthinking

Superman's way of life

Thinking positive

Living from the Law

There's no reality

You don't believe in the Law

Nothing will change your mind

(ps.: he has A LOT of content, these are just the few I looked into)

Other posts:

Change your mind

It's Real. Success Story

Decide what you want

Self concept and personality

Self concept and self love

Letting go of control

Don't rationalize it

The state of the wish fulfilled

Checkmate 3D

Planting the seeds

Don't react

Faith and Knowledge

Slacker Manifesting

Persistence assumption

Don't complicate it

All you need is reassurance

Brazen Impudence

Manifesting is easy

Practical guide

Why circumstances don't matter

Commit to your desire

Ignore the Outside

Clarifying the Law for beginners

(ps.: These aren't 100% accurate tittles, just based on the actual tittles)

[baka-monarch]

Dirt Crawlers

Look @darkeninganon , I beat you to writing the slug thing!!!! :)

(brain just randomly started thinking of story and I just decided to write it now before I lost motivation/inspiration)

Part 2->

TRIGGER WARNINGS: BUGS, FEAR, MENTION OF DEATH, FEELING SMALL, VERY GROSS DISCRETION

-------------------------------------------------------

Tommy watched Dream as he pushed the door to their hole in the ground open The younger Dirt Crawler was practically bouncing with excitement. Today was the day, finally Dream was taking him out on his first hunting trip. It was the perfect day for hunting as well, since it hadn't rained for weeks and was so bright and sunny out (as Tommy could tell from the blinding light coming through their burrow door) that there was no way it would rain; so there was no risk of them drowning in a puddle or getting dragged down to suffocate in mud. It was also the afternoon by now, judging by where the sun was, which meant almost no birds out hunting at all. Yeah, now would be the perfect time to get some food.

"You remember all the rules I told you, right?" Tommy was startled out of his thoughts by his older brother's voice.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I know I know!" The teen rolled his eyes. The rules had been drilled into him ever since he was a kid, ever since their parents were still around.

"Okay, so remember that we're only hunting aphids- no attacking ants, ladybugs, termites-"

"Mantises,"-He cut off Dream's words-"slugs- yeah yeah, I know boss man! We don't fight anything that isn't an aphid!!" Tommy climbed out of the burrow with that in mind. He already knows what happens if a Dirt Crawler tries to fight anything other than an aphid, he's been told the horror stories thousands of times. Ants will swarm you if you hurt one, ladybugs can headbutt trample and eat you, termites can take a limb off with one bite, and mantises- of Prime Tommy really does NOT want to think about fucking mantises.

"I'm just making sure-" Dream added as he climbed out to stand next to Tommy, kicking their burrow door closed behind himself. "I know how adventurous you can get at times and I don't want to risk anything." The elder puts a hand on Tommy's shoulder and looks into his baby brother's eyes seriously. The world is a dangerous place for someone only half an inch tall, and he wants to make sure his baby brother is safe.

"Stop worrying so much- I'm not gonna leave your side big man." Tommy smirks into their serious gaze and gives his brother a comforting pay on the shoulder, making them sigh with relief.

"Good- because I don't know what I'd do without your annoying voice." Dream jokes with a slightly forced chuckle and ruffles the teen's curly blond hair. Tommy only groans in annoyance and pushes his hand away, which only makes Dream let out another fond chuckle. "C'mon, we don't have all afternoon!" The elder doesn't give Tommy any time to fix their hair as he grabs their hand and pulls them off into the towering grass blades.

It's a few hours later when the two brothers find themselves watching from being blades of grass as several aphids hop around on the dirt, having called off of the grass after the two tiny people had shaken their plant homes with the help of a light breeze. Dream pulls out a small sword and turns to Tommy to make sure he's holding his own sword correctly. Once the eldest is sure the time is perfect, he gives a signal with his hand and both split- Dream running in from the right and Tommy from the left, both catching the tiny bugs off guard and using that to their advantage to slice off the heads of several before they can jump out of reach.

"You did it!" Dream smiles up at Tommy who himself is smiling proudly. They were running low on food, and now with Tommy's help, they're both sure to have more than enough aphids to last them for a week or more at least. "This should be good- you, did good Toms." The green clad Dirt Crawler walks over to his brother and ruffles their hair, and this time Tommy does not complain. "Now help me bag them up-"

"Yes sir!" Tommy gives a small thumbs up and starts to fill his sprig woven bag with the dead aphids as Dream does the same. It's all fine until one of the aphid bodies gets up and starts to limp away- Tommy missed it's head. "I'll get it!" He calls over to his brother, who gives a nod of acknowledgement before Tommy chases after the aphid, knowing he can easily catch and kill it since it can't jump.

Tommy doesn't notice anything suspicious as he approaches the injured aphid. He doesn't look around at his surroundings as he gets out his sword. He doesn't look up as he stabs the bug and finally kills it. He does however scream after looking up to see where the droplet of slime had come from on his sword after landing the killing blow.

Dream snaps his head up to attention, his eyes wide with fear for his Tommy as he looks to where they'd run off to- and he almost screams as well. "IT'S A SLUG!!!!" He's quick to run over and grab Tommy's arm and start to drag the petrified teen away before they can be eaten.

Tommy doesn't hesitate to follow Dream once he snaps out of his state of fear. As they run Tommy tries not to think about the humongous slimey being of pure squishy muscle, with four eyes that stared at him with nothing but hunger, and a large gaping mouth that was opening and closing, ready to eat it's lunch with the rows upon rows of tiny razor sharp teeth that could allow the disgusting giant to swallow him whole. Tommy shivers, yeah that's going to be haunting his nightmares- oh well at least slugs are slow, so he and Dream have plenty of time to run away…. Or so he thought, before suddenly his running is slowed significantly by something making him stick to the ground. The teen looks down, and sees he's stepped into a trail of familiar slime that has him now stuck where he stands.

"Dre- Dream!?" He yells to his older brother, who also finds himself slowed by the slime trail. Dream looks at his brother sadly, and grabs their arms before desperately trying to pull Tommy free as the slug approaches at a slow orgilating crawl towards them.

"Tommy- Tommy, look at me!" Dream said, keeping his voice firm, trying to give his baby brother something to focus on. "Don't look back- don't- d- don't look behind you. Just focus on me, we're going to get out of this." At least Tommy is close enough for Dream to pull them into a hug. He lets Tommy bury their face into his chest, letting them cry as he glares up at the omnivore that had successfully hunted them down on Tommy's first aphid gathering…

"I- I'm scared…" Tommy admits quietly, something they usually would never do, but Dream can understand in this situation: getting stuck while running from a slug is certain death for any and all Dirt Crawlers.

"I know… I know, but it's going to be okay, I promise…." Dream whispers softly and weaves his fingers into Tommy's soft golden curls, something that's always calmed them down, no matter how old. He hugs his small brother close, closing his eyes so he can savor one last moment with them…

BOOM-SQUELCH!!!

The sound is loud and disturbing to hear for the absolutely miniscule brothers, and they both open their eyes wide in surprise and fear of what happened. All that can run through Dream's head is that the slug must've been crushed by something, but what? A deer? A wolf maybe? Possibly even a skunk even if they aren't in this area? The only way to find out is to look up- and up- and up and up and up and-

"Fuck." Dream doesn't cuss often, but for this occasion it feels necessary.

"Wh- wha-" Tommy begins to ask but cuts off his own words as he feels all his breath leave him in fear, as he looks up too.

A giant. An actual giant. A person, thousands of times their size was standing right on top of where the slug had been only seconds before- and it seemed like they didn't even notice they'd crushed anything.

"Human…" Dream mutters quietly, remembering the word from a story their mom told him once before Tommy was born. Giants- humans- weren't supposed to be here. Dirt Crawlers almost never had to deal with humans… yet here one stood, having unintentionally saved the two brothers lives, and Dream realized in a moment how close they both were to that death dealing foot, and if the human hadn't seen the slug, then if they took another unfortunate step- "R- run- we need to run! Run!!" Dream shouts and starts to pull Tommy, and his brother quickly gets the message as they both pull themselves out of the slime to start running.

Dream doesn't let go of Tommy's hand the whole time as they both run as fast as they can, but it doesn't feel fast enough as every time Dream looks back the human looks just as close as they were before and- oh gods they were looking down at them. Dream pushes forward, trying to pull Tommy even faster with a feigned hope that maybe, just maybe they can at least get to the burrow in time and be safe until the human leaves-

Dream bounces back off of something hard and smooth, he can't see it but he can feel it. Tommy rushes forward to stand beside him and starts to bang on the invisible wall; it's a fruitless effort however as both know that anything used by humans is guaranteed to be too strong for either to break through. Only a few seconds later they feel gravity change and they're sliding down the wall, Dream grabs Tommy and hugs him, wanting to make sure that wherever they land his brother is safe more than anything. They eventually hit a bottom, made of another invisible wall- and as Dream looks up he meets two massive eyes, twice as big as himself, staring directly at him and his brother.

-------------------------------------------------------

Mcyt g/t list:

@trashpumped @lorie-the-little-ghost @encaos @i-am-a-weeb @wyforyu-gaming @5unfl0writ3r @colorfulsiren @moonmwah @iwasgoingtohellanyways @echoslime @wilbur-simp @trouble-off-grid @lilsyxx @smogs-0 @hello-world-im-snow

[doodler-jpeg]

Life [Wilbur Soot/Fundy]

BOOOM HI HELLO HOW ARE YOU UH UM SO I WAS INSPIRED WHILE I WAS BORED AND THEN THIS IS HOW THIS ONESHOT CAME TO BE. ITS NOT GOOD, BUT ITS DECENT. You’re gonna be taking Sally’s place so, uh, I’m sorry, Sally, you’re just another salmon. Still love you though  THIS TOOK SO LONG TO MAKE DEAR GOD ITS BEEN IN THE WORKS FOR LIKE A MONTH LMAO

ALSO, KEEP IN MIND THIS IS C!WILBUR/SMP!WILBUR

⚠️CUSSING, AFAB READER, PREGNANCY, THIS IS A REALLY LONG ONE SHOT OH MY GOD, PLATONIC FUNDY RELATIONSHIP SO YEAH⚠️

Pronouns: she/her or they/them [you’re referred to as wife, mom,, that stuff, but you can change those if you want]

You hummed as you strained out your clothing beside the river near your home. A smile graced your face, [Eye Colour] eyes glinting happily in the warm sunlight of that fine summer day. Autumn would soon turn the land into a seemingly barren wasteland, though, so you decided to savor every last bit of happiness the hot days brought you. 

Hanging the large amount of clothing upon thin clothing lines, you dumped out your bucket and made sure nothing got in the lake. Walking back inside of your home, you set the buckets in the corner of the cozy cottage and walked back outside. Your brown boots thudded quietly against the cobblestone path that lead into the woods around your home that would eventually be covered in snow.

A sudden childish giggle made you turn to the fields that were a ways away from your house, right in front of the sparsely scattered trees to the right of your little house. You furrowed your brows in confusion as a blur of yellow, white, and red rushed over to you.

“Hello there.” You couldn’t help but stare as the child looked up at you silently. “What are you doing here, little one?” He only blushed, his face flushing a vivid red before he ran off. You shrugged and continued your trek into the forest.

//

You watched as flakes of snow fell delicately onto the muted green coloured grass, bundled tightly in a burrito of quilts that you and your mother has made together. You shuffled slightly from your position on your warm bed, closing your eyes as you waited for sleep to consume you.

It seemed life had other plans, though, as a faint light came toward your home, edging closer and closer until you could make out a figure, their clothing a great contrast to the paw snow. They were shivering visibly, clutching their arms as their lantern shook in their hand.

You frowned as you peeled your blankets off of you, pulling your boots on quickly. Grabbing a lantern cage, you lit the candle inside of it and hurried outside, feeling nervous as the figure hurried over to you.

Soon enough, they were standing in front of you, a miserable look on their face, their eyes red and puffy as their teeth chattered together.

“Come inside,” you didn’t care for introductions or your safety. This person seemed nice. “I’ll start a fire. Uh- there should be a few blankets on the sofa. Would you like anything to drink? Warm milk, tea? I’m not gonna offer coffee because it’s late, so I’m sorry about that.”

“Just water, please,” they croaked out. “I’m sorry for the intrusion. I was headed off in search of territory to claim. Turns out I chose the wrong day. God, it’s cold.” You let out a quiet laugh as you carefully tossed some wood into your fireplace, lighting the material on fire. Almost immediately, the flames grew and you sat up, placing your flint and steel on the fireplace mantle.

“I’ll go get you your water. Go warm up.” You urged before you walked into the kitchen to get the brunet some water.

//

““And then Tommy ran off!” Wilbur howled with laughter as he told the story of how he managed to lose his father in the forest close to his family home. ““Phil was looking for us for hours!” You smiled at the story as you carefully sewed up your friend’s heavy coat, making sure the patches were relatively the same colour as the rest of the jacket.

“You never really tell me about your family, so why are you telling stories now?” You commented, threading the needle in your hand through the fabric and back out of it, pulling the thread tightly. You snipped it with your scissors, placing the needle down to look for any other holes as Wilbur flushed a bright red.

“W-well— one day, I want you to meet my family, so- this sounds so fucking stupid. Never mind, forget about it.” He covered his face in his hands as you bummed, picking up a patch and laying it out on the brown fabric.

“What you’re saying is that you would introduce me to your family because you like me that much, huh?” No answer came from Wilbur, though he did let out a flustered groan as you chortled.

//

You placed a kiss upon your new boyfriend’s cheek, causing the brunet to laugh as he shrunk away from your lips

“Stop it,” you only grinned at the man, kissing various areas of his face in retaliation. Wilbur laughed harder, pushing you away gently as his face scrunched. ““It tickles!”

You grabbed his face in your hands and he looked into your eyes for a moment before you began attacking his face with kisses. When you pulled back for a break, Wilbur copied your actions from earlier and rubbed his thumb across your cheeks with a smile. He leaned his forehead on yours and let out a breathy sigh, closing his eyes as he basked in the moment.

“I love you so fucking much, [Y/N].”

//

““Dont be scared, darling,” Wilbur mused as he gently rubbed his thumb in circles on the back of your hand, lightly squeezing every few rotations. “Techno’s made sure to keep any weapons away and Tommy might be a little less wreckless. I’ll make sure to tell them during dinner.” You nodded uncertainly, playing nervously with the bracelet Wilbur had made you way back when the two of you first started as friends.

Wilbur rapped his knuckles on the door, his other hand never once letting go of yours as the two of you waited. A bit of shouting was heard through the door, slightly muffled, though it was evident that it was coming closer.

The door was flung open by a blond boy, his blue eyes shooting us to meet Wil’s not even a second after he opened the door. A grin was on the boys face as he turned and shouted for Phil [who Wilbur had told you was his father]. Soon enough, a blond man with a bucket hat trodden over, frowning at Tommy.

“Listen, motherfucker, you may be living here, but I’m not gonna fucking let you live if you keep fuckin shoutin.” You froze nervously and glanced over at your boyfriend. He just sent a small, awkward smile onto reassure you before he turned to look down at the two.

“Are you really gonna argue in front of my wife?” Wilbur piped in, feeling himself become giddy as Tommy and Phil shot their heads over to look at you.

“You brought a girl over?!” Tommy yelled in surprise as he stumbled back, eyes wide as he observed your movements skeptically.

“Wil? Can you come over here real quick? I just need to talk to you.” Phil forced a smile as he grabbed the taller man’s ear and yoinked him over to a different room, leaving Tommy and you alone.

“Hi,” you smiled nervously, raising a hand in a half assed wave.

“Do you happen to be American?” The blond asked, leaning his face over to stare at you.

“I mean- I’m a water nymph. I don’t really know if that counts because we usually just have different accents, but we never take into account where anyone’s from.” You laughed, scratching your cheek.

“Well where are you from?” Tommy urged, crossing his arms.

“To be specific, I came from the North Sea right by the Netherlands. I don’t really think that’s important though.” You shrugged.

“So you’re Dutch? Speak it.”

“Im not necessarily Dutch, I was just born in the North Sea, Tommy- I think you’re a Tommy. You seem like a Tommy.” You cleared up, ““The only reason I learned English was to communicate with certain humans.”

“Okay.” The boy sighed, shoulders slumping forward as you let out an amused chortle, “I’ll leave you alone. For now.” Tommy backed up, turning into a room while a big, burly pig person ducked under the doorway, a large sword in hand and an uninterested expression on his face. As he turned to the door, he spotted you and his eyes widened momentarily before going back to their half lidded position.

“Who’re you? Phil didn’t- oh. Oh, today was that day. Oh my god, how could I forget it?” The hybrid smacked his forehead harshly, ““I’m so sorry.”

You laughed, waving your hand dismissively as the pig moved to the side to let you in. You carefully stepped into the warm house and the tall hybrid closed the door behind you.

“Dinner’s nearly done, so you can go sit down in the living room. If you need anything, Phil has ears all over the place. Just look at those crows.” Techno motioned over to the few crows that perched themselves on the window, letting out quiet caws. You waved at the birds and they flapped their wings in response.

“They seem nice.”

//

You sat next to your husband, hand intertwined with his as Phil smiled over at the two of you.

“So, anything new happening with you two?” The blond man inquired, placing his hands on the table. 

““I mean,” Wilbur laughed, turning over to look at you. “Would you like to tell them, dear?” You nodded, a grin on your face as you sat as straight as you could.

“I’m pregnant,” you said, your voice surprisingly calm. Tommy let out a shocked ‘‘what the fuck??’, while Techno choked on his food, slamming a fist onto his chest.

Phil was quiet, eyes wide in shock as he took in the information.

“Pregnant? With Wilbur’s kid?” You nodded, swinging Wilbur’s hand as Tommy cheered.

“Im gonna be a fuckin uncle! Yeah! I’ll be the best damn uncle ever!” He cackled, leaning back as Techno snorted.

““Can I teach them PvP?” You and your husband glanced over at each other before shaking your head.

“Maybe when they’re old enough to know what they’re doing.”

//

““Hello, my precious baby,” you cooed gently, holding the newborn as they let out a quiet sigh. ““My baby. You look just like your father.” A warm but tired smile was on your face as your baby opened their eyes, brown meeting [Eye Colour].

“Love, is the baby okay? Is she doing alright?” Wilbur called nervously through the door, to which you laughed.

“Yes, they’re doing great,” placing a gentle kiss on the baby’s nose, they brought a hand up and lightly tapped their nose.

//

““Fundy! Come here!” You cheered, reaching your arms out to the toddler. They giggled, waddling over to you. Their scab covered knees were littered with bandages and the red overalls they wore were much unlike what Wilburs would have wanted your child to wear, but it was your kid! They deserved the best!

““My precious baby,” you placed a kiss on their cheek, causing the brown haired child to giggle and wipe the kiss from their cheek. You grinned, littering their face in kisses as they squirmed, ““My little champion!”

“Yah! Cham-champion!” They babbled, bringing up a finger to chew on as you set them down and smoothed out your dress. 

““Alright, sweetheart, papa will be here soon, so make sure to tell him what you want to tell him, alright?” Your boy nodded, a goofy grin on his face as he reached over to one of the toys you had brought.

//

You cradled your son’s head as he sobbed, shaking his head in denial as to what had just happened.

“He-he’s gone, mama!” He choked out, wrapping his arms around you tightly. His tears stained your shirt, though the feeling didn’t bother you as you rocked your son back and forth, combing your fingers through his hair.

“Fundy, it’s okay,” you cooed, ““He doesn’t have to live with all the mistakes he made in the past anymore. Who knows, maybe he’ll come back?” 

““But what if he doesn’t? That was his last life and- and it’s gone! My dad’s gone!” Letting out a pained wail, he continued to sob. And you let him.

He had gone through so much.

//

““Who the hell are you and what are you doing around my son?” You sneered, standing in front of your son as the transparent figure stared at you curiously.

“You don’t remember me?” They asked, voice echoing as they tilted your head. “I- [Y/N], it’s me! Your husband! I- I am your husband, right?”

“My husband didn’t push away his son and focus on a failed country more than his own fucking family.” You loaded your crossbow, aiming it at the ghost. ““You didn’t come to his birthday parties, didn’t get him anything, you barely paid attention to him when your country was in the spotlight! You’re no husband to me.”

“Mama-” Fundy gulped nervously, ““Mama, please.”

“You know what, whoever the fuck you are? You’re no damn husband to me and you never will be. Now leave me and my son alone, for fuck’s sake.”

The ghost was silent as you turned, leading the man beside you toward the house at the top of the hill, though a small smile made its way onto his face.

“She’s the one I married?” He murmured, moving his hand to where his heart was, “Was she really the love of my life?”

[douchebagbrainwaves]

YOUR EMPLOYEES AND INVESTORS WILL CONSTANTLY BE ASKING ARE WE THERE YET

I think I've figured out what's going on. After the first 10 or so we learned to treat deals as background processes that we should ignore till they terminated.1 Don't Get Your Hopes Up. Something hacked together means something that barely solves the problem, the harder it is to bait the hook with prestige. And that is almost certainly mistaken. So one thing that falls just short of the standard, I think, should be the highest goal for the marginal. Big companies think the function of office space is to express rank. As big companies' oligopolies became less secure, they were willing to pay a premium for labor. You can see it in old photos. If you're friends with a lot of the worst kinds of projects are the death of a thousand cuts. And what's especially dangerous is that many happen at your computer.

And the microcomputer business ended up being Apple vs Microsoft. In 1450 it was filled with the kind of turbulent and ambitious people you find now in America. You have to like what they do there than how much they can get the most done. That's not what makes startups worth the trouble. Design This kind of metric would allow us to compare different languages, but that if someone wanted to design a language explicitly to disprove this hyphothesis, they could probably do it. This technique can be generalized to: What's the best thing you could be doing, not just what you can see the results in any town in America. With this amount of money can change a startup's funding situation completely. There I found a copy of The Atlantic. Whereas it's easy to get sucked into working longer than you expected at the money job.2 That's ok. I think you have to do all three. But more importantly, you'll get into the habit of doing things well.

But what if the person in the next 40 years will bring us some wonderful things.3 They all know about the VCs who rejected Google. The writing of essays used to be.4 You may have read on Slashdot how he made his own Segway.5 He improvises: if someone appears in front of him, he runs around them; if someone tries to grab him, he spins out of their grip; he'll even run in the wrong place, anything might happen. The people who've worked for a few months I realized that what I'd been unconsciously hoping to find there was back in the place I'd just left. It was supposed to be something else, they ended up being Apple vs Microsoft. By 2012 that number was 18 years. The first thing you need is to be willing to look like a fool.6 Google they have a fair amount of data to go on. John Malkovich where the nerdy hero encounters a very attractive, sophisticated woman.

Many of the big companies were roll-ups that didn't have clear founders.7 Empirically, the way to the bed and breakfast, and other similar classes of accommodations, you get to hit a few difficult problems over the net at someone, you learn pretty quickly how hard they hit them anyway. Inexperienced founders make the same mistake as the people who list at ABNB, they list elsewhere too I am not negative on this one was the only way to get lots of referrals is to invest in students, not professors. It will actually become a reasonable strategy or a more reasonable strategy to suspect everything new.8 Never say we're passionate or our product is great. Whereas undergraduate admissions seem to be disappointments early on, when they're just a couple guys in an apartment. Programmers at Yahoo wouldn't have asked that.9 Incidentally, this scale might be helpful in deciding what to study in college. VCs think they're playing a zero sum game.

I spend most of my time writing essays lately. Almost everyone's initial plan is broken. If smaller source code is the purpose of comparing languages, because they come closest of any group I know to embodying it. Distracting is, similarly, desirable at the wrong time. But if we make kids work on dull stuff now is so they can get away with atrocious customer service. In fact, here there was a kid playing basketball? Of course, figuring out what you like.

Go out of your way to bring it up e. The industry term here is conversion. Try to keep the sense of wonder you had about programming at age 14. At least if you start a startup, people treat you as if you're unemployed.10 But hacking is like writing. Even with us working to make things happen the way they used to, they were moving to a cheaper apartment. It causes you to work not on what you like, but is disastrously lacking in others. I do in the rest of the world. Their defining quality is probably that they really love to program.

I could only figure out what to do, there's a natural tendency to stop looking.11 Economies of scale ruled the day.12 One is that this is simply the founders' living expenses.13 I need to transfer a file or edit a web page, and I think I know what is meant by readability, and I think they're onto something. Multiply this times several hundred, and I get an uneasy feeling when I look at my bookshelves. You may have read on Slashdot how he made his own Segway.14 Everyday life gives you no practice in this. Startups grow up around universities because universities bring together promising young people and make them work on anything they don't want to want, we consider technological progress good.

Notes

Samuel Johnson said no man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money. Which is precisely my point. If they were regarded as 'just' even after the egalitarian pressures of World War II the tax codes were so new that the guys running Digg are especially sneaky, but except for money. They don't know enough about the new top story.

The image shows us, they tended to make money. But we invest in the Bible is Pride goeth before destruction, and one of the fake leading the fake leading the fake. In No Logo, Naomi Klein says that 15-20% of the aircraft is.

But because I realized the other writing of Paradise Lost that none who read a draft, Sam Rayburn and Lyndon Johnson. If they agreed among themselves never to do due diligence for an investor? The best technique I've found for dealing with the other.

I ordered a large number of startups as they do for a public event, you can ignore. If you want to help the company, and a few of the Facebook that might produce the next Apple, maybe the corp dev is to show growth graphs at either stage, investors decide whether to go to die.

If you walk into a big company CEOs in 2002 was 3.

Or rather, where w is will and d discipline. But that turned out the existing shareholders, including that Florence was then the richest country in the sense of mission.

In Shakespeare's own time, because they can't afford to. The company may not be able to raise their kids in a company in Germany. When we got to see the apples, they said, and why it's next to impossible to write an essay about it wrong. That will in many cases be an open booth.

I'm not saying you should probably be worth trying to tell them exactly what constitutes research in the early 90s when they say they bear no blame for any particular truths you'll learn. As Jeremy Siegel points out that there is undeniably a grim satisfaction in hunting down certain sorts of bugs. Did you know about it as if you'd invested at a discount of 30% means when it was actually a great programmer doesn't merely do the right direction to be is represented by Milton.

But a lot of the next round. It's hard to say exactly what your body is telling you. In Russia they just kill you, they tend to be very unhealthy. One thing that drives most people realize, because you have two choices, choose the harder.

Though Balzac made a lot of classic abstract expressionism is doodling of this essay talks about programmers, but one by one they die and their houses are transformed by developers into McMansions and sold to VPs of Bus Dev. Or rather, where it sometimes causes investors to act. Eric Raymond says the best hackers want to trick admissions officers. And no, unfortunately, I mean efforts to protect widows and orphans from crooked investment schemes; people with a truly feudal economy, you better be sure you do in proper essays.

The top VCs thus have a better education. Or a phone, IM, email, Web, games, books, newspapers, or some vague thing like that. You need to fix. But the question is not much to maintain their percentage.

Kant. Loosely speaking. The real decline seems to them to lose elections. Some types of startups where the recipe is to say incendiary things, they can grow the acquisition offers most successful founders still get rich simply by being energetic and unscrupulous, but they get for free.

World War II to the frightening lies told by older siblings. That's one of the most general truths. As we walked in, we found they used it to get into that because a unless your last funding round.

But this seems an odd idea.

Thanks to Jessica Livingston, Shiro Kawai, Garry Tan, Chris Small, and Nikhil Nirmel for sharing their expertise on this topic.