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nikolai-alexi · 2 years ago

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Jegulus Mini Fic #4

WC: 5900 average read time 45 minutes

CW/Tags: MAIN CHARACTER DEATH, graphic descriptions of death, graphic descriptions of drowning, angst, all hurt kind of comfort?, HEA in death, minor descriptions/allusions of child abuse, period typical racism, barely proofread, yet again neither my goddamn HTML horizontal line or read more link formatting will not work so if anyone knows how to fix that please help I'm about to set this entire app on fire ngl, enjoy copious amounts of angst pals I made myself sad with this so you get to be sad too fuckers

Quote Credit: "The kindest people...so important in this world" - Bianca Sparacino "The Mind Journal" & "How is it so easy for you to be kind to people...because people have not been kind to me" - Rupi Kaur (quote is tweaked into multiple dialogues and extra detail)

They are perched together, not in the Astronomy Tower, but rather on top of it, the night Regulus asks James the question that tilts his entire world axis. They've not been together long, just a few blissful months filled to the brim with secret meetings above the roof of the Astronomy Tower and stolen kisses in broom cupboards and empty classrooms. They are still getting to know one another, really. Regulus knows James’ favourite colour is yellow and that he’s an absolute swot when it comes to Transfiguration, but struggles a lot with Potions. James knows that Regulus’ favourite colour is blue and that while Potions might be what he’s good at, he likes Charms more. Getting to know each other on a surface level like this has been fun, really; they laugh at each other for silly things, argue over what sweets are superior, share stories of things their friends have done, and they do so in the middle of heated snogging sessions and exploratory wanderings.

Tonight, however, the frigid November air between them is melancholy. There is a heavy silence and neither one of them seem to know how to break it. They aren’t touching, Regulus can barely stand their proximity as it is, his skin is crawling and his mind is racing, yet the thought of not being near James is much worse than the discomfort he’s currently facing. James’ eyes are dark and oh-so sad. Regulus sees all the emotions he desperately wants to let out reflected back to him in those warm, espresso-coloured eyes.

Walburga has informed him that he is to take the Mark this summer. He will be sacrificed to the Dark Lord and be a shackled slave for the rest of his life. He will be forced to torture and kill in the name of someone who he does not have the barest hint of respect for. He will be forced to kneel and simper before someone who he would otherwise look down upon and scoff. At barely sixteen years old, he will be forced to give himself over and enslave his magic. He cannot breathe right with this knowledge weighing down on his chest. He has no choice but to do as his Mother wishes; otherwise, she will hunt his brother down to the ends of the Earth and rip him away from the only home and real family he’s ever known. Regulus refuses to be so selfish. He will do anything to keep Sirius safe from her, even if it means condemning himself to die. Sirius saved him so much pain and suffering for the sixteen years he lived in that house; this is the least Regulus can do for him in return.

This whirlpool of thoughts circling ‘round and ‘round his head is what prompts the question to fall past his lips without his permission.

“How do you do it?” He asks, his voice is hoarse from all the crying he’s done today. He’s so drained that he doesn’t have it in him to be embarrassed about it.

James looks at him, a little startled from the sudden cease in their respective silences, but cocks his head curiously at him, “How do I do what, Reg?”

He fumbles for words for a moment, and he hates the inadequacy of the ones he chooses, but he doesn’t actually know how to ask this, “How are you so kind? How is it so easy for you to be so kind to people?”

James is quiet, but Regulus can tell he’s thinking, so naturally, he word vomits his nervousness at James' answer out, “It’s just— well, I don’t want to be bad, James. I don’t like being cold and cruel, but I don’t know how to be kind. I don’t know how to feel kindness or sincerity. I watch you with people you don’t even know and I wonder if there’s some fundamental part of me that’s missing or if they’ve just made me into a monster,”

James sighs heavily, and he looks up into the sky for a long time before he speaks. His lip trembles a little bit and it strikes Regulus as strange. James looks…scared? The words that tumble out of his mouth drip with milk and honey, the tone is quiet and sweet, gentle, in a way that James is so rarely allowed to be, but the words themselves are bitter, poisonous things. They cut Regulus to the core, despite them not being directed at him at all.

“It’s not easy at all,” James sighs. He’s terrified and ashamed of speaking those words aloud. A large part of him wants to lie and say he just is that kind, that his parents raised a good kid who does his best to care for others and be kind to everyone. But he refuses to lie to Regulus, “I’m kind to others because people haven’t been kind to me,”

There is a long silence, and Regulus feels like he’s trying to decipher a lost language. He understands the words James says, but he can’t grasp what he means with them.

“But, everyone loves you, James. I don’t understand?”

James chuckles a hollow laugh and turns his entire body towards Regulus. Regulus follows suit. James looks at him intently, “Look at me, Regulus,” and, oh, hearing his full name fall from James’ lips feels strange, James calls him all sorts of ridiculous pet names he pretends to hate, or Reg, or Reggie, he very rarely calls him Regulus, “Look at me and tell me the very first thing you see. Pretend you’ve never met me before. Like I’m someone you pass in the street. What do you see first and foremost?”

Regulus scrunches his nose. He feels as though this is a trick question. There are so many variables to what someone would notice about another person depending on the situation. How should he know what he would notice first about James if he’d passed him on the street? Probably that he was bloody fit, but that doesn’t seem like the answer James is looking for. If he passed James on the street, would James be wearing one of his worn, holey band tee shirts? Or his yellow trainers? Would he smile at Regulus as he walks by?

“Your glasses?” Regulus guesses, it seems like a fair assumption. But James just smiles a sad smile.

“Put your hand up,” he says softly, and Regulus does. James doesn’t touch him, but he raises his own hand to mirror Regulus’.

“What do you see, Regulus?”

Oh. He understands now.

Compared to Regulus’ pasty, pale complexion, James’ is almost startlingly dark against it. Where you can quite clearly see the blue of some of Regulus’ veins, the skin around his hands and wrists almost translucent-like, James' skin is full of warmth and colour. His face and arms still hold onto the remains of a deep tan from the summer hols. He knows James spent a lot of time gardening with his mum over the break, and the right side of his face is just slightly darker than the left. He has freckles that dot his face, neck, and hands that are barely visible from far away, but Regulus has played connect the dots with them all. He has scars that litter his body, leaving little silver streaks against his skin. James is beautiful. Everything about him is warm and full of life and colour and joy. Regulus cannot imagine that anyone could look at James and not fall in love with what they see.

“My entire life has been riddled with slurs and vitriol, love. When people pass me in the street, the first thing they see is the colour of my skin, and immediately I am less than human to them. The Wizarding World and the Muggle World are the same in that regard.”

“When I was seven, I met a boy in town at the park. We played together all day until his Dad came to pick him up. We’d agreed to meet again the next day to play. I went home and told my parents how excited I was, and all about the new friend I’d made. That next day, I went to the park to play with my new friend and he told me to go back to my own country and threw sand in my face,”

Regulus’ mouth dropped open, “Merlin,” he breathed. James cocked a sad smile.

“I have dual citizenship with Britain and India, but I was born here in the UK. But people see the colour of my skin, and nothing I do will ever change their perception of me. I will always be second because my skin is brown and theirs is white,”

James is quiet for a long moment, “There is a cruelty in me, Reg. One that festered with years of anger and bitterness because I hated being judged and scrutinised for every little thing. There are times I genuinely want to hurt people. There are times when I desperately want to turn that vitriol back at the people who yell it at me. There are times I want to just scream and let my magic last out and destroy everything around me,”

“Being kind doesn’t come easy to me, Reg. I have to consciously choose, each and every time, to do the right thing or be the bigger person. And I don’t always make that choice when I should, sometimes I let that cruel side of me out. In the moment, letting that viciousness out, letting the bitterness breathe, releasing everything that I’m constantly fighting against, it feels good. It makes me feel victorious and superior, like if I cut the people around me down until they’re small, it’ll make me feel bigger. In the moment, it’s a wonderful feeling, a dark one, but no less wonderful. In the end, though, I might hurt someone else and feel my own wounds close temporarily, I only end up bleeding more,” James falls quiet once more, tapping his fingers against his knees that he’s drawn into his chest.

Regulus knows exactly what James is talking about. He does exactly that to the people around him. Using words to gut another person, to inflict pain and anger and make them feel exactly how he always feels, is something of a talent of his. Or, it’s something of a Black Family talent, he supposes. For as good as Sirius is in comparison to the rest of them, he does the same thing. Andy, Bella, and Cissa are the same. They have never felt the hand of kindness; it’s like wielding a weapon they’ve never seen before. The Black children have only been taught how to slice, rip, and stab at others with fatal efficiency. He doubts they will ever truly understand how to caress, nurture, or love.

Regulus nearly misses James’ next words, lost in his own mind as he is, but thankfully he comes back to the present in time. James’ words are careful and gentle, but there is a brittle edge to his voice still.

“My mum says that the best things in life rarely come from easy choices. And I believe that, at least partly. Choosing to be kind or do the right thing isn’t easy, but lots of good things come from it. But hard choices aren’t the only things that bring good things. Sometimes, the easiest choice is the best thing that ever happens to you,”

Regulus cocks his head, curious. James sounds certain, like he’s thinking about something specific. He waits to see if James will elaborate, but when he doesn’t, Regulus glances over at him, “Like what?”

James smiles, it’s a sad thing; his eyes are misty with tears he won’t let fall, and Regulus feels like no wonders of the world will ever measure up to the beauty of James Potter and the endless, foreign feeling of security Regulus always feels when he looks into James’ eyes.

“Like loving you,” he says, as though it’s the most simple thing in the world for him to say.

Regulus feels as though he can’t breathe again, but oxygen feels irrelevant in the face of this revelation. His body, his brain, and his heart are screaming. He so desperately wants to love James. He so desperately wants to be loved by James. He wants, and wants, and wants. He's well aware that he's a selfish little creature, but here in this moment, all he can think about is how desperately he craves to understand what it is to be loved. What is it like to feel valued and cherished by another person? His namesake is at the very heart of the Leo constellation, but he cannot be satisfied by that any longer. The centre of a constellation lightyears away is no longer enough; he wants to be the centre of someone's entire universe. Will it feel like the silly muggle romance books he pretends he doesn't read describe? Does he know how to love in return? He doesn't know the answer to that, but he thinks he would work so very hard at trying to love James. He knows he shouldn't. He knows he should end this now and save them both the pain, but as he searches James' face and looks into those eyes, so full of warmth and life, he finds that he simply doesn't care what he should or shouldn't do. He peers into James' eyes, searching for any hint of deception, but all he finds is an endless feeling of foreign-feeling security and promise. And he knows then that he won't choose kindness as James does. He is an evil, selfish creature at his core, and he is not strong enough to pick the hard choice. He wants. He needs.

"You shouldn't," Regulus whispers, "love me. You shouldn't. You should run and save yourself from the Hell I'm going to put you through."

James says nothing. He watches Regulus, and he waits. Regulus runs his hands through his curls, musing them in a way he would never do in the company of anyone else. He knows he should make James leave, protect him somehow, but he doesn't.

"I don't even know what love is, James," His voice cracks, admitting that out loud, letting those words finally surface from the depths of his soul feels like it rips a hole in his heart, "I'm like a slow poison. I'll end up killing you in the end, you know that, don't you?"

James' lips quirk in a humourless grin. They will be on opposite sides of the War. Neither of them have a choice in that matter, and even if they did, Regulus doubts either of them would choose differently.

"I have a hard time believing that any poison could taste as sweet as you do," He says. The words are flirtatious, but they lack his customary playful smirk and spark. Regulus lets out a brittle laugh.

They are silent for long moments. The sounds of the Forest coming to life surround them. Regulus has half a mind to snatch James up and seek sanctuary in the Forest. Perhaps they can outrun the War together. They could disappear into the night's mist, and find a home within the woods and wilderness. Their biggest worry would be werewolves on the full moon, and in comparison to the Dark Lord, werewolves looked like overgrown puppies.

Regulus sighs; the cloud of air puffs in front of him, billowing like smoke in the empty space before him. He returns his gaze to James. They stare at each other, neither blinking, neither speaking, neither breathing.

"You understand what you're doing, right? You know how this will go?"

"Yeah, Regulus, I know,"

"What will we do when..." He can't push the rest of the words past his lips, already the thought of the inevitable threatens to drown him in the waves of his emotions. He may not need to worry about killing James after all. The weight and pain of this may kill him instead.

James says nothing for a long time, breaking their connection and gazing across the grounds. Regulus wants him to look back again, look, he wants to say, look at me, even if all you see is darkness, look at me because I cannot stand for you to look away and see someone better.

"We do what we can for as long as we can, and when we can't anymore, we try to handle the can't as best we can," James' voice is full of conviction and his eyes blaze with a kind of fire Regulus has never seen before. He's seen the fires of pain, of anger, and of sadistic glee, but he's never seen a fire in someone's eyes made of pure love. He finds himself wishing he could step into the dark orbs of James' eyes and let that fire consume him wholly and leave nothing of him behind.

Before he's able to respond, James speaks once more, "Who knows," he whispers, "Maybe we get lucky in this life and on the other side of the can't, there'll be a can,"

Regulus doesn't have the heart to tell James that he simply isn't a lucky person. Luck has abandoned him at every turn, and he's not deluded enough to hope it might change this time, so he just hums and drops his head against James' shoulder and lets his arm pull him into the warmth of his body, "Maybe," he whispers.

***

The kindest people are not born that way, Regulus thinks; they are made. They are the souls that have experienced so much at the hands of life. They are the ones who have dug themselves out of the dark, the ones who have fought to turn every loss into a lesson. The kindest people do not just exist — oh no, Regulus knows that the kindest people are the ones who choose to soften where circumstance has tried to harden them. They choose to believe in goodness because they have seen firsthand why compassion is so necessary. They have seen firsthand why tenderness is so important in this world.

Regulus now knows intimately what kind of strength it takes for someone to choose kindness over something like anger or fear. He is reminded of it as he watches James Potter dive to knock Evan Rosier out of the way of the bright green Killing Curse that Mad-Eye Moody sends his way, completely ignoring the yells from his comrades. Even as he stuns Evan and whips around to punch Barty in the face, knocking him out cold, Regulus is flooded with reminders of how strong James’ kindness is. He is floored by an emotion he can only describe as tenderness, maybe love? He doesn’t know, but when he meets James’ eyes across the battlefield, he sees that same feeling reflected back at him in those beautiful eyes and he thinks he finally understands what it feels like to love another person wholly and completely. The force and intensity of it threatens to bring him to his knees right there in the middle of the blood-soaked battlefield. He gets it now. He breathes in deeply. They are still locked onto each other’s gaze, spellfire is all around them and screams fill the air as people from both sides are hit with curses or watch their comrades take their last breaths. He breathes in the putrid smell of ash, flames, and blood that surrounds him. He squares his shoulders.

He knows what he must do now. This time, he will choose kindness.

James must see the resolve that comes over his face because suddenly he’s running towards him like a madman. Regulus smiles behind his mask, smiles the sweet, soft smile that makes his dimple appear. He smiles the smile that James adored several years ago when they sat up on the roof of the Astronomy Tower. He smiles the smile that only James has ever seen.

"I love you" he whispers, the words are thick and heavy against his tongue; he's not sure if he's ever said those words, "I want to be good this time. I want to choose kindness. Goodbye, Jamie, remember me, please,"

He twists to apparate away, but James is quick; his hand latches onto Regulus’ ankle with a vice grip, and he gets sucked into the apparition with him. They land on a sorry-looking beach in Devon, where a large cave sits at the end of the shore.

They bicker and squabble the entire time, just like they used to. It feels as though no time has passed since the last time they held each other. Everything with James feels so easy, so warm, so sweet. Like honey and hot chocolate and cardamom. He wants to breathe in James and let that comforting feeling envelop him for the rest of his life.

They enter the cave together and they obliterate the Horcrux beneath the basin. Regulus falls even more in love with the way James wields Dark magic that they both knew he shouldn't know. James rocks him through the delirium from the Dark Lord's potion, he stays aware of James' arms around him the whole time. The memories assault his consciousness, but he doesn't pay them real mind. All he can focus on, even with the scorching pain and spasms running through his body, is how much he missed the feeling of James' strong arms around him. Oh, how he missed the seeping warmth caressing his skin. How he missed the only feeling of safety he's ever known. When the potion has run its course, when the haze of pain leaves Regulus' eyes, they celebrate on that little island, tangled together; they still fit together perfectly. Like two pieces of a fucked up jigsaw puzzle, they are cut precisely to slot their edges together.

Regulus' ankle is grabbed for the second time this day, but this time it's by a hand that is completely devoid of warmth. It's a slimy, grey hand partially decayed. It yanks him towards the water and he tries to fight it off. But he is magically and mentally exhausted from the potion and destroying the Horcrux; his reactions are slow and his thoughts are muddled. James is fighting off several inferi, but he is slowing. He's just as exhausted as Regulus is. Fear claws at his chest, not for himself, no, he had known he would die here, and he's made his peace with that, but James cannot die here. He won't allow it. James is good and kind and brave. James cannot die in some cave in Devon where no one will ever find his body. He must live.

Before he is pulled into the murky water, Regulus pulls every scrap of magic he has left in his body and screams out a spell he's only used twice in his life.

"Fiendfyre!"

His flames form a magnificent stag and they cut through the inferi like they're nothing. He is still being dragged into the water and he feels more hands gripping and pulling his leg further into the dark depths below. James grabs onto his free hand and tries futility to pull him back to shore, but they both know it's no use.

"Go," Regulus whispers, "Leave me. Get out of here, my love,"

James smiles that crooked grin of his, adorable and charming even as the light in his eyes shines brightly with fear and tears.

"I told you once I would never let you feel alone again. I don't break my promises, Regulus Arcturus Black. I'm not about to start now."

Two men walked into that cave at the end of that pathetic-looking beach in Devon.

Neither of them walks out.

As the water fills his lungs and the lack of oxygen begins to make black spots speckle across his vision, Regulus stares into James' eyes. James stares back. With the last bit of air in his lungs he opens his mouth and says,

"Thank you for teaching me how to be kind. I love you, forever, James Potter,"

He has no way of knowing if James heard him or understands what he said, but as the water rushes into his lungs and he feels himself slip away, he can't help but feel happy that he isn't dying alone. He's always been a selfish little creature, hasn't he? He knows when James is leaving behind. He knows he should make him leave. But he won't. The frigid water should be chilling him to the bone, should be making his teeth chatter, should make him go numb, but holding James' hand as they're both being dragged under, all he feels is completely engulfed in that perfect, warm flame that he'd wanted to step into the first time he'd seen it. The last thing he registers feeling is the warmth and love coming from James' steel grip on his hand.

Maybe he's a little selfish for leaving the world without their human equivalent of the sun. He doesn't care. Despite the water's icy cold chill and the pressure in his lungs, he feels at peace.

He knows now what it means to love someone. He knows now what it means to choose kindness.

His eyes drift shut.

He is at peace.

***

The world moves on without them. The Dark Lord, unknowingly rendered mortal by Regulus and James, is killed in the least dramatic fashion. A misfired jelly-legs jinx wobbles him right in the way of a Killing Curse fired by none other than Bellatrix Lestrange.

Wizarding Britain starts to heal, slowly, but surely. The Ministry is rebuilt and legislation is passed in the hopes of preventing another Dark Lord. Funerals are held, eulogies are given, and mourning wear is worn by everyone.

Everyone except one.

Sirius becomes obsessed with finding his brother's and best friend's remains. He knows they're both dead. Going through their things has been a dreadful process. Finding out they had been dating for two years right under his nose was a nasty shock, but even he could see their adoration for each other plain as day in their letters, that each of them saved, and the few stolen pictures he found. It takes him several years to find Regulus' research on the Horcruxes. He finds the tattered remains of a diary, the gnarled remains of a ring, and a half-melted goblet that looks suspiciously like the one in the portrait of Helga Hufflepuff back at Hogwarts, stashed below the floorboards in Regulus’ room with countless scrolls and annotated pages of books torn out.

Regulus' research stops with a cave in Devon where he's located the next Horcrux, so Sirius grabs Remus and they apparate to a rather dismal beach with a cave at the end of the shore. Despite it being nearly seven years after Regulus and James apparated here, their magical signatures are still very evident. No wizard has been here since then.

A short walk and a smear of blood across a rock wall lead them to the cavern where a small island rests in the middle. Sirius and Remus ride the boat across the lake. They can feel there were once very heavy and dark wards laid across the basin, but they're no longer active. Remus siphons the grey potion out of the basin and Slytherin's locket appears in the bottom. It has a small magical signature, but nothing like the destroyed diary had. He opens it.

The note left addressed to Voldemort is signed by his brother, with his typical flare for dramatics. The real Horcrux is destroyed, probably discarded somewhere in the cave. He looks at Remus.

"The lake is full of inferi," Remus says, sniffing the air lightly and wrinkling his nose at the unpleasant smell.

Sirius grimaces. But he hasn't dedicated half a decade and change trying to find James and Regulus for nothing. This will be one of the hardest things he ever does, he knows, but it will destroy him if he doesn't find them and lay them both to rest.

"Whatcha say, then, Moons? Up for a bit of bar-be-que?"

Remus grins dangerously, amber eyes glinting golden. Always ready for a fight, that one, "You know it,"

Sirius can't help but grin in return. He slaps the water with his hand and jerks quickly away as inferi race to the surface. They work quickly together. Both powerful wizards and comfortable duelling with each other, they manage to cut through hundreds of inferi with little difficulty.

"Pads," Remus says quietly. Sirius knows that tone of voice. A trickle of fear runs down his spine. Remus couldn't be tiring, could he? They haven't been duelling for more than an hour, Sirius has barely broken a sweat.

"Yeah, Moony?"

"Trade spots with me. You need to see this,"

Oh.

He swallows against the rising lump in his throat. He has to do this. He can't back out now. He takes a gulp of unpleasant air, trying to prepare himself for what he's about to come face to face with.

"On my count, then, yeah?" Sirius asks, a little breathless. Remus just grunts in the affirmative as he blasts several inferi apart with a strong incendio.

"Right then," Sirius mumbles. He slices four inferi apart with quick whips of lacero that his mother would likely be proud of, Merlin only knew she'd used it on him and Regulus enough as children. Really, it only made sense that he would be a deft hand at it, "Ready...now!"

Remus and Sirius roll against each other's backs, balancing and propelling one another in the right direction. It's a practised move for them; they haven't used it since the War, but it's still smooth as ever. They have to work hard for a few minutes fighting back the inferi that closed in during the half-second it took them to change sides. So he doesn't see it at first.

Once he's gotten the charging undead pushed back to a manageable distance, he glances around. His knees nearly buckle when he sees it. Only instinctual self-preservation keeps him standing up, his body intrinsically knowing that if he crashed to the ground, he'd surely die.

"Fucking hell," he wheezes. His breath has been punched out of him. He's basically fighting blind because he can't tear his eyes away from it.

Standing away from the hoard of fighting water zombies, are two inferi with their hands and arms melded together. They're both partially decayed, but not as bad as one would expect for seven years underwater. They aren't attacking, or moving at all, just standing on the beach in the torn remains of a long black robe and one yellow trainer on the left foot, and one red trainer on the right. The James-inferi has its head cocked, almost curiously. Sirius wants to cry from how familiar that look is. Wants to laugh at James' mismatched trainers he completely forgot he'd worn the night he'd disappeared.

It doesn't take them much longer before he and Remus have destroyed the last of the inferi. They vanish the remains of the undead and turn their attention to the inferi still standing in the same place. Their hands and half their firearms are conjoined by mangled flesh; it's a gruesome image, certainly, but it's also romantic in a way. Even though they're both long gone, long dead, Sirius can't help but be grateful he gets to see tangible proof of their love for each other.

Sirius sighs and squeezes his eyes shut. He feels for Regulus' magical signature, trying to see if he can tell what he cast before they died. Luckily, he'd used a massive spell, and even seven years later, he can feel the ashen touch of Fiendfyre.

"Right then, lovebirds, you've been away from home long enough, don't you think? It's high time to rest now," Sirius says. He doesn't know why he's bothering to talk to inferi; they aren't sentient creatures, so it's rather pointless. But James and Regulus still look so human. It's hard to believe they aren't alive, even with the bits of flesh falling off their bones, and sagging with waterlogged skin. He wants to believe that he sees their shoulders drop in tandem, like relief, but he knows that's madness. It's still a nice thought, even if it hurts, to believe there's something of them left now; it makes it easier to do this. He knows without a doubt that neither James nor Regulus would want to be tied to the Earth like this after their deaths. He's happy to give them their freedom from this watery hellscape of a grave.

He readies himself. He summons every bit of bitter resentment and hatred he has in him and casts the spell. The inferi take a tandem step into the flames. He knows he's not imagining their relief when the James-inferi smiles and the Regulus-inferi turns its head to James, a look of peace across his features. The snarling canine flame consumes their water-logged bodies with a painful, echoing howl in seconds as if his very magic calls out for the two people he will never have again and leaves a small pile of ash behind it. Remus accio’s the pile and puts it gently into an urn they’d made.

"Okay," Sirius heaves a deep breath, trying to stave off his impending breakdown; there will be time for that later, "I think I'm ready."

"Ready for what?" Remus asks, his voice is just as hoarse as Sirius' own. He's just as affected and emotional as Sirius is, but trying to keep it together. They'll fall to pieces together, but later, only after they've finished this.

"To lay them to rest. They've been cremated, obviously, but Reggie put in his will that he wants a tombstone and a gravesite, so I want to make sure he gets it. And I don't want to separate them,"

"Best get crackin' on, then, shall we?"

Their headstones are delivered a week later. The caskets remain empty besides a destroyed locket and melted goblet in one, and a shredded diary and a ring in the other. Sirius and Remus clutch necklaces with small, clear vials filled with ash as the gravedigger lowers the caskets gently into their graves and seals the dirt in with magic.

The headstones are two different marble types. One of them is white marble, and the other is black marble. The stone is cut to fit together like a puzzle piece, two completely different types of the same material. Just as James and Regulus were to each other.

The stone reads the run-of-the-mill things, their names, birthdays, best approximate death dates, etc. but across the top, carving through the puzzle pieces reads a quote that Sirius still hasn't been able to work out the meaning from Regulus' many notes and written ramblings. It's a profound thing, that's for sure, and Sirius is glad he stumbled upon it, because it simply felt right to go on their headstone. It reads:

True kindness is only found in the person who has experienced the horrors of life, has the capacity for cruelty, and yet often still chooses to be compassionate. Anyone can be violent, but very few are truly kind.

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ashkazora · 4 years ago

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2020 Fic Roundup

Stats:

Fics Posted (Total): 13

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the water was dark (and it went down forever) - a Lance-centric gen fic exploring his relationship with the Blue Lion, and her control over him. 15,618 words.

Coffee Grinds and Morse Code - a post-s8, Shance fic written for the valentines shance exchange! 3,593 words.

Nectar and Ambrosia - my first Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt fill for the square ‘denied food as punishment.’ Lance whump. 2,641 words.

there ain't no rest for the wicked - another Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt fill for ‘big brother instincts,’ but this time with Plance and Lance whump. 3,508 words.

Of Claws and Steel - a science-fiction, super sentai cat armour AU entered around the Lions as futuristic mecha armour. Most underrated fic here. 14,344 words.

Hairline Fractures - another Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt fill, ‘bleeding through bandages.’ Lance whump (again). 5,059 words.

Leverage - last Bad Things Happen Bingo fill for the year, for the prompt ‘on a leash.’ Featuring Shance, and Lance and Shiro whump. 7,743 words.

Lay It Down To Save It - Leakira Klance AU written for Leakira week. Made in collaboration with @crapoftheworldblr! 18,102 words.

to the stars and back - The Dragon Prince Plance AU with Prince!Lance and Elf!Pidge. In collaboration with @rosieclark! 36,574 words.

Sweeter Than Honey - written for the Blue Moon Lance zine! Features BAMF!Lance as the honeypot on a mission. 4,098 words.

In The Closet - Klance fic for the winner of my fic giveaway. Fluffy, and definitely a bit saucy. 2,363 words.

Fics Posted (Gen): 5

the water was dark (and it went down forever) Nectar and Ambrosia Of Claws and Steel Hairline Fractures Sweeter Than Honey

Plance: 2

there ain't no rest for the wicked to the stars and back

Shance: 3

Cold Floors and Warm Hearts Coffee Grinds and Morse Code Leverage

Klance: 3

These Boots Are Gonna Walk All Over You Lay It Down To Save It In The Closet

Collaborations: 2

Lay It Down To Save It to the stars and back

Ship/Character breakdown:

Ship breakdown:

This year, the biggest ship I wrote for was Shance (3 fics), with Plance (2) and Klance (2.5) coming in from behind. The k/l ficlet doesn’t count as a full fic.

Character breakdown:

Of the 13 fics, Lance is in the most with 13 (insert surprised pikachu face here), then it goes Shiro (12), Keith (10), Pidge (8), Hunk (7), Allura (6) and Matt Holt (2). Other characters appear only once, such as Coran, Haggar and Kolivan. Technically, the Blue Lion clocks in at 2 mentions.

Characters that had the main focus:

Lance had the sole POV for 7 of those fics, and shared POVs (in a collaboration) iin 2 additional fics. Shiro had the second most POVs at a total of 3, while Keith had 1 sole POV and 1 shared POV, and Pidge with one shared POV.

Specifics:

Best/worst title?

Best title: the water was dark (and it went down forever), but honestly so many other fics has titles I liked. This title was based off of the Tim Winton short story by the name name, The Water Was Dark And It Went Down Forever, where the main character swims and debatably drowns. So it’s fairly fitting.

Runners up titles include Sweeter Than Honey, to the stars and back, and Lay It Down To Save It.

Worst title: Hairline Fractures. It’s dumb and it makes no sense. It was the first thing that came to mind.

An honourable mention includes Leverage, which would be first if not for the fact that the title inspired the ending, so it’s not too bad.

Best/worst last line?

Best: From the water was dark (and it went down forever):

Blue’s grasp on him was like an endless expanse; an opulent and brilliant ocean. Her waters were dark, and it went down forever.

This was definitely my favourite, even though it’s pretty cringe. The way it was formatted in ao3 and the way it related to the title plus the reoccurring symbolism of water made it pretty neat!

Worst: From there ain't no rest for the wicked:

Pidge laughed, and turned her back from the darkness.

I’m sorry. This ending was so cringey. I hate it. There’s nothing else to say except I have no idea how to fix it. Oof.

General questions:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

tbh, I wrote a lot more, considering I had my final exams this year. Breaching 100k was crazy.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

Honestly? Klance. I’m not the biggest fan of the ship but writing it is very interesting, and I enjoyed it.

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

Of Claws and Steel hands down! It’s the first fic idea I ever had for VLD, and the one I really love the most. One day I’d love to write a continuation of it, but the reception of the fic wasn’t great so idk.

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

the water was dark (and it went down forever) even though it was started in 2019, was finished this year and is my most popular fic of all time! It’s got 4k+ hits and 450+ kudos. Crazy, since it was only supposed to be a dumb little warm up fic to get me back into writing in preparation for Of Claws and Steel. Alas, turns out people really liked it!

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

Of Claws and Steel. It was the fic I worked the hardest on this year but got the least amount of attention :)

Story that could have been better?

Easily there ain't no rest for the wicked. There was so much plot and so many things I wanted to include but didn't. There’s a lot of things missing and bad plot flow. One day if I got more time, I’d love to write more on it.

Sexiest story?

In The Closet, hands down. It gets a bit steamy with a k/l makeout session. Originally it was going to be a lot saucier but I wasn’t too comfortable in my ability to write it well ahaha.

Saddest story?

None of my stories were sad, per se. Most of the sad ones were more scary/foreboding rather than actually being sad. I guess to the stars and back right now, because it’s dealing with Lance’s insecurities and Pidge’s desperation to find her brother (and a lot of other things, which will be revealed in the future!)

Most fun?

Sweeter Than Honey! It was fun to write and is my most fun fic. BAMF!Lance and his witty commentary is always a great laugh.

Story with single sweetest moment?

I can’t choose :,). It’s a three-way tie between Cold Floors and Warm Hearts’s last scene where Shiro realises Lance bought him the necklace, Lay It Down To Save It’s scene that I can’t say because it’s technically unpublished ;), and to the stars and back’s scene where Lance and Pidge talk about what they would like to be in life (ch3).

Hardest story to write?

Probably Of Claws and Steel, as I completely stagnated on the story for a long time. It took me 8 months to write it. Without Rue’s help, I probably would have taken so much longer. Runners up is Leverage, as it took me like a solid week to write 90% of it, and 3 more months to write the remaining 10%. For some reason, parts of that fic were such a pain to write.

Easiest/most fun story to write?

The easiest was definitely to the stars and back. I could relate to a lot of Lance’s actions and thoughts in the fic, so writing his POV was super easy and rather cathartic ngl. However the most fun was probably Sweeter Than Honey, as it was super self indulgent ahaha.

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

Lay It Down To Save It changed my perception of Keith. I don’t particularly like Keith in canon, but I’ve warmed up to his fanon self and general character after writing from his POV.

Most overdue story?

Of Claws and Steel easily! It was the first VLD fic idea I had but took 8 months to write. Oops?

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

For the first time I incorporated HTML coding into my fics, which taught me a lot about coding and different ways to convey certain messages and detail things. These codings altered fonts and colours, which you can see in

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

Write my tua/vld au fic, which will be my first solo multi chapter fic, and hopefully finish it by the end of next year. Also, sticking to a consistent writing schedule and try to write at least 100 words a day, plus finishing TSSAB. I’d also like to finish some more BTHB prompts!

That’s all, folks! Thank you all for sticking with my writing! Hopefully 2021 brings even more writing, fun times, and great fics. Happy New Years (in 24 hours), everyone!

#ashka writes #fic roundup #2020 fic roundup #MASSIVE shoutout to rue for giving me these questions #if you've read ocas ur officially my favourite person #ao3

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howlscifer · 5 years ago

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What and who are some of your best or most stand out rp experiences and people throughout your time in rp?

This is going to be a long message so brace yourself!

This takes me back to like way further than tumblr. I started off rping in forums and I learned a lot from that from graphics to HTML to gfx. A lot of the friends I’ve made from that place I still keep in touch with and have been essentially led to life long friendships. Shoutout to Mglo, Lily, Dango, Suddenkyosky, Wawa and Dazz. They’ve been my ride or die crew regardless of roleplay, people I would call my family.

I’ll never forget joining my first Harry Potter Rp with @bekas-port, it was one somewhat the beginning of me becoming more curious about tumblr rpc culture. That eventually led me to meeting @herorps and they’re awesome, the amount of resources and knowledge they have is !!! wow the sheer power. Somewhere down the line I met @hailthequeens officially (I had followed her blog for the longest time because she’s got A+ content and also was ngl in awe of her writing) and during the past couple months we had fun on ACNH :D And ofc my standout experience at Millennium ran by my partner in crime @maleda had me writing 10x more eloquently than I do now. From that rp I got to meet @bleubeard (sidenote: ty for taking up my video game recs and enjoying them!!!) who I freaking adore. With Decadent 2.0, I met the ever so talented @sherwritings.

Somewhere in this warped timeline where I can’t even keep track of the hours and minutes I had an amazing 1x1 @gaeulssi who literally gave me motivation every morning to actually wake up and get through the day with her writing. During Toska, I have to shoutout @fablehaven for also keeping me company and always being an awesome supporter of whatever ideas i got shaking in my head. Last fall but I took a gamble in a historical rp and I had an amazing time writing with the very talented @helvitti and @nrps. I was also on the side working on DBNP and couldn’t have done it without the help of @polarisdreams thank you for literally reading through my messes ;-; Through some awesome rp experiences, I’ve had a blast with @theslayer and @evasigan ;)

And as of now I would def say that good times and memories are being made, I only very recently started chatting with @patilparvati & @caelestialium and they’re amazing.

Looking back from this post, most of my standout experiences have been with the writers rather than a specific rp group. It’s really the people who’ve been there through thick and thin that makes any rp experience worth it. Love you all! <333

#aq #this became super long but this is a long long sum up of all my most memorable and iconic moments in terms of rp and more lol

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banquishedtotheglasshill · 5 years ago

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Beltane Films

It’s a bit shit we can’t go frolic with the fae in the fields this Beltane and your one allocated government walk a day isn’t exactly the same as sitting, saturated by the sun all day on the Heath getting melted and eating strawberries. So I’ve made a list of my favourite films to help magically transform our inside lives into one that suitably reflects the mood of a fertility and love festival. Freya forbid it rains on friday but if it does dampen our witchy festivities at least we can get cosy and escape into nature through our imagination.

1. Practical Magic (1998); 90s dreamy scene scape, botanical witches, cute vintage dresses, midnight margaritas, chocolate cake for breakfast and a true love story, is there anything more worth watching on the Witches valentines? It ends on Samhain it’s a perfect witchy Beltane extravaganza- I mean that greenhouse tho

https://ww2.123movie.cc/movies/practical-magic/

2. The Love Witch (2016)

Beltane is about LOVE and WITCHES duh. There’s a Beltane ritual, the visuals are everything I want and need, it’s a smart, aesthetically appealing deep dive into the subversion of the male gaze. Anna Biller made all the costumes (!!) herself, she wrote, directed, produced it and personally I believe it to be one of the best horror flicks to have emerged in the past decade. Reminisce on all those terrible, tragic and non-consentual love spells I know you cast long long ago and indulge in some glamourous murder.

https://ww7.123moviesfree.sc/mov/the-love-witch-2016/

3. Tuck Everlasting (2002)

A film about a family that lives forever after drinking some magical spring water in the woods? Very Beltane. It has that 00s dreamy sheen, edwardian costume, a love story, a coming of age story and it’s all set in New England right at the end of the turn of the last century. In the original story our protagonist Winnie Foster was 10 years old and it was originally written as a children’s book which honestly is a bit creepy. Nevertheless, it’s a beautiful story about finding yourself, acknowledging the wheel of time and appreciating life death life cycles. Also whatshername from Gilmore Girls is in it. Cute. Perfect for a spring festival. There’s also a musical that flopped massively but some of the songs are worth a lil listen.

https://www.putlockers.cr/movie/tuck-everlasting-4736.html

3. FairyTale: A True Story (1997)

It’s Beltane we must have fairies! I was obsessed with this film as a child, particularly with the teeny tiny furniture they make for the fairy dolls house. I also spent a lot of time trying to untie myself from ropes like Houdini.This is the fictional retelling of the true story of the Cottingley girls who were caught up in the popular mysticism craze in the early 1900s and accidentally became celebrities after photographing the ‘fairies’ at the bottom of the garden. The story was a national sensation but after further investigation it was discovered that the photos had in fact been faked. No shit. The truly shocking thing is that the Cottingley girls seem to have escaped unharmed by the fae. It’s a great heartwarming film and features an interesting depiction of the British obsession with fairies and mysticism following rapid industrialisation. It also celebrates the beauty of Yorkshire and the British countryside in a very understated manner and honestly it might have been this film that launched my deep desire to run away into some woods and never look back.

https://ww2.123movie.cc/movies/fairytale-a-true-story

4. The Last Leprechaun (1998)

Ok this one is a bit mad. Another childhood favourite of mine, this film was given to me on a tape by my Scorpio Sun Gemini Moon Scottish grandad and within that context this film makes a lot of sense to me. It’s set in Ireland, this American family move into this huge house and discover the land is populated by the fae, quel surprise. There are banshees, there are fairies in a mine, there’s leprechauns looking for gold, it’s batshit and nowhere near as visually appealing as the films listed above but it’s a really fun watch. A good reminder at this time of year- don’t mess with the little people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFd63gzYamw

5. Globe Theatre productions/ Online Theatre

This time of year would normally herald the start of outdoor concerts, festivals, garden parties and theatre out in the open air. Nothing compares to the magic of experiencing theatre outdoors, combining my two favourite lasting loves, theatre and nature in one. Naturally I’m devastated to be missing an entire season of outdoor theatre but thankfully the Globe has made loads of productions available online for FREE. Unfortunately, one of my favourite plays to watch at this time of year, As You Like It, is not part of the Globe’s free offerings https://globeplayer.tv/videos/as-you-like-it but if you’re looking for love and romance set in a forest with a good smattering of witty repartee and cross dressing look no further. Shakespeare’s birth and death day just passed us by (23rd) and if you haven’t yet celebrated this Taurean by indulging in a bit o cultchah I’m gently suggesting that you’d enjoy it. Equally, I’d recommend Emma Rice’s production of Midsummer Night’s Dream from the Globe, it’s literally the best production I’ve ever seen and at this point I’ve likely seen over 20 different productions of Dream so take me up on it. The cabaret artist Meow Meow plays Titania and I can’t think of anyone playing the Fairy Queen better.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p08b015k/culture-in-quarantine-shakespeare-a-midsummer-nights-dream

FREE ON BBC IPLAYER!!!

The customs in the play are somewhat a mixture of Beltane and Litha practices so tbh it’s good sabbat to sabbat. I guess you could also watch the Tempest if you really wanted but I kind of hate it ngl.

Angela Carter’s ‘Wise Children’, dir. Emma Rice

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0892kf6/wise-children

Free on BBC iPlayer, I was lucky enough to see this show in person while it was at the Old Vic and yes, I’m a massive Emma Rice fan and if you watch it you’ll understand why. The show has nothing to do with the fae or Beltane but it is from modern myth maker Angela Carter (who wrote the Bloody Chamber) so there’s lots of folklore and mythical elements woven in. It’s just a bloody good time, it’s colourful, queer and musical whilst unconventionally exploring family trauma.

A Winter’s Tale, Royal Ballet

The Royal Opera House/Royal Ballet is screening their production of A Winter’s Tale on Friday at 7pm, it’s very magical, it’ll be available for a week, wahey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-byR-6p-qA

6. Anne with an E: Season 3, Episode 5, Netflix

https://www.netflix.com/watch/81025449?trackId=13752289&tctx=0%2C4%2Cf5cee1ae-463c-468c-90ac-6ccae34b01ad-31458487%2C%2C

I wasn’t too keen on Anne of Green Gables before Netflix made it dark and hashtag real. I particularly love this episode which features a Beltane ritual at the end, I know I wish I could meet you all round a bonfire waving ribbon wands in my nightgown. The last season in particular really solidifies Anne as symbolic of wild woman in tune with nature and the rhythms of her own soul and I could probably deep dive into this ad infinitum.

Skip to 40:14 minutes if you wish to only see the ritual.

7. Honorable mentions:

Pan’s Labyrinth (2006) because fairies

https://www4.123movies.gr/movie/pans-labyrinth-2006/

Midsommar (2019) because although I know this film is really more for Litha, they have a Maypole so I think we can make it work

Far from the Madding Crowd ( 2015) Carey mulligan and countryside and terrible life decisions, the soundtrack is also very soothing on its own. You can watch it free (legally, shocker) on the BBC website.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcfilms/film/far_from_the_madding_crowd

Tess of the D’urbervilles (2008) the TV series!! with Gemma Arteton (?) as Tess; pastoral life, nature pagan goddess allusions and a finale at Stonehenge very Beltane. Once you get past all the religion stuff Hardy’s aight.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2739yo

Happy Beltane Witches!!!

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