#he is in a very bad mental space
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RealAgeAU Drabble - Alone
I am back! ( @spotaus almost forgot you this time woops)
I am gonna be real. I spend quite a while thinking about what I wanted to write next in this little series. And I realised I hadn't had a Nightmare POV drabble in a while!
So we are back to Nightmare :3
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This is a look into what Nightmare had been up to and how he personally took to the changes he went through.
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He hates this.
He hates this he hates this he hates this-
Nightmare shakes his skull. It feels... weird. All of this is weird. He doesn't... He normally isn't this emotional right? It is starting to become hard to remember how it was before.
He hates how he feels.
He is Nightmare!
Terror of the muliverse! The unwanted twin...
He strikes fear in the souls of monsters! Everyone hates him and wants him gone...
Leader of the Gang! Younger brother of Dream...
Bringer of negativity! Untrusted, unwanted and unloved...
He is Nightmare! He is never enough...
And Nightmare doesn't feel like this! This... this... afraid useless powerless ... this way.
Another cold wind and his whole body shivers in the cold. Nightmare is quick to tug himself behind some boxes and pulls the hoody closer around him.
He hates being out in the open. Being in the open risks him being seen and when people see him they will try and hurt him again they will realise he is no longer his powerful self and...
His mind freezes at the implications of what will happen when people realise how powerless he is now. They will realise that Nightmare is weak and they will take revenge.
Revenge on all that he did. Revenge on defending himself.
It would be deserved. It would be deserved.
Nightmare shakes his skull again. Those thoughts... They keep coming back. Things that he hadn't thought about in ages. Thinking in ways he hadn't thought about in ages. Nightmare had thought... he thought that was in the past. Just like being weak and powerless was in the past.
Aparently not. As his form had shrunk to be so small. Nightmare thinks he is just under three feet. Back to the length he had been all those years ago. the same body he had had all those years ago. Even the hold wounds and pains had returned.
Ironic that the wound that would have killed him became healed and hidden but everythign else was still there. as if it had been frozen while he had been older.
Nightmare tugs the hoody tighter around him. It is too big but that is alright. It is warm and soft and makes him feel a bit better he feels safe in it. Even if he knows it doesn't make sense. It jsut brings him comfort.
Hell if Dust finds out he stole from him...
The villagers never reacted well to Nightmare having anything. Even things that Dream had gifted him had been taken and destroyed. He doesn't deserve to have things he likes after all. And Nightmare has quite a few things he really likes at the moment.
The hoody, his book, the old backpack and his feel tools to survive on his own.
Nothing truly compared to what he had managed to make before, when the apples gave him power. But yet... this means more...
It is starting to get hard to remember how to think and plan. The longer he is in this form... his old form... the before apple form. The harder it becomes for him to rationalise and think how his older self used to think.
Which... isn't promising.
Still. He came with a mission. And that is food.
Nightmare glances around the corner and down the street. This is some Lustverse universe. Nightmare can't quite feel and sense the differences anymore but he knows the basics.
If he had known that so many of his powers and skills would disappear he would have grabbed his book with the muliverse verses summaries.
Nightmare had figured he hadn't needed it as he knows the multiverse and can sense things. Oh how he had been the fool on that.
At least the balance wasn't demanding his attention and foucs every five seconds now. that makes it a bit easier to plan with his now much more limited attention span and problem solving skills.
Back to the matter at hand. Lustverse. He specifically went here because most of the Lustverses have a deep wish for children and so a deep care. Even if they are... X-rated.
Nightmare takes a deep breath and looks into the distance and his destination. Grillby's.
Yes. He knows what Grillby's is in these universes, and yes he knows he runs into the risk of running into this universes Sans or Papyrus which will just spell trouble.
However he much prefers to go to these locations as it is less populated and generally friendlier.
He pulls the hood up and goes towards the building. No bouncers near the enterance but then again it isn't like they have children or underaged people in these areas.
Nightmare goes inside and makes sure to keep staring down as much as he can. He only glances around once to locate the bar where he can get food and goes straight there.
Oh how he dislikes being here. Too many people. Maybe he shouldn't have gone to this universe. He will stand out too much. But people won't attack him either as he is a child... he will be safe here...
He gets to the bar and with some light difficulty manages to climb up the chair enough. No one really notices as everyone focusses on the main stage and leer and shout some very pointed comments.
Nightmare doens't feel comfortable hearing those things either and realises he never felt comfortable about these things. Even when he was still an adult and others joked with him about these type of things. Had... had he always still been... like this at his core?
Problem to think about for later. Now he has to order.
The Grillby of this universe looks at him and waits.
Nightmare doesn't feel so certain about this anymore but still he asks "What... what is on the menu?"
Grillby pauses and shoots him a weird look but Nightmare just hides further into the hoody. Thanking his lucky stars that Dust's left over magic makes it so that the hood hides his face.
Grillby ends up pushing a menu over. Nightmare glances down and feels his skull explode with warmth. That is the WRONG menu!
Nightmare looks away from it and stares at the bar as he pushes it back "I meant... food... menu..." He didn't remember that wrong right?! These places also sell food right? Even if it is more snack food?!
Grillby doesn't say anything but Nightmare doesn't dare to look up. He feels tense and keeps glancing back at where the door is. Getting out is easy enough but he wouldn't know where to go after and-
The menu is pulled away and a new one is pushed into his hand. nightmare glances and lets out a sigh of relieve as he sees actual food! only to feel his hope sink as those prices are way too high!
Nightmare freezes as he stares down at the prices. Okay. okay this is fine. just. find the cheapest thing!
He focusses on the menu and searches for the most promising item to buy. He knows he is pulling a face at most of the prices. 150G?! 160G?! What even is this capitalism?!
Eventually he gets to the snack section and isn't too happy wiht it. Snacks aren't good for mortals and kids.. so not good for him. but he needs to eat. the finger food looks okayish... 60G is still a lot but Nightmare will just have to accept it.
His magic is too low to make another jumb and stealing anything is a sure way to get him to be noticed. He searches for his pocket and takes out his bag of gold. He opens it and starts counting the gold coins.
Nightmare mutters the numbers softly to himself. He had been starting to notice that it was getting harder and harder to do certain things. one of them is counting higher numbers. counting out loud helps a tiny bit.
he finishes counting at 54 and freezes. No. no no no no no!
Nightmare pulls the bag closer and starts to recount the gold. come on. please.
54 again.
Nightmare feels his socket start to itch but forces himself to keep it in. don't cry. you are not a crybaby. there is no use to cry over soemthing this stupid. if you cry people will see your weakness and use that.
Nightmare pushes the menu back and mutters "Sorry for wasting your time." He gets ready to hop off the barstool-
"Wait."
Nightmre freezes when he sees a hand reach for him and he flinches away. only to fall backwards off the stool with a yelp.
He falls right on his tailbone and groans as it hurts a lot and holds it as he blinks through a new type of tears.
A gasp from above him and Nightmare looks up. Just to see Grillby stare in shock at him. Nightmare is confused before he realises that the hood is no longer on.
Panic.
run.
Nightmare immediantly grabs his hood and pulls it fully on again. He grabs his bag with gold and turns before sprinting towards the exit.
"Wait! It is okay!"
Nightmare doesn't turn around and reaches the exit and rushes outside. The cold hits him like wall and his magic and body both protest at it. it is too cold and he has too little energy and magic.
Some people shoot him looks and Nightmare feels the panic return. He takes a step back before rushing towards the side and disappearing between two buildings.
He runs for a while as he rushes between buildings. until he slips on some ice and falls hard.
aw...
He pushes himself back up with shaking arms and glares at the ground. He is a mess. He lost everything. he tried so hard but what did it matter? in the end nothing mattered. He just lost everything again.
A sob finally escapes him and he just rolls up. He hates everything. he hates himself.
Nightmare isn't sure how long he just lays there feeling miserable.
after all this time nothing changed. He didn't change. after 500 years of spreading negativity and learning. he is still just him. no wonder they left. He wouldn't want to be stuck with him either.
Footsteps.
Nightmare freezes and hugs hismelf tighter. no. no others.
"... kid?"
Ngihtmare feels his breathing pick up and he forces his body too move even if everythign hurts, seems like his double fall agitated his old wounds. he glances around and wiggles himself behind some garbage cans and goes quiet and still. They can't hurt him if they can't find him.
more footsteps and a soft blue glow fills the alleyway. it doesn't take long before Nightmare can see him. It seems that grillby had followed him. Grillby seems to be following the tiny marks left in the snow and stops by the spot where Nightmare had fallen.
A frown on the fire elemental as he touches the ice and- oh. there is blood there. Nightmare slowly raises his hand and touches his skull before feeling pain rush through him. he removes his hand and finds blood on it.
great, he got himself hurt.
Grillby looks to the side and Nightmare follows his sight and freezes at the very clear marks on where he went.
Grillby raises his head and stares right at him. Nightmare remains frozen right where he is as he feels himself shake and his bone start to rattle.
Grillby moves a hand and Nightmare flinches. Grillby immediantly freezes and moves his hand away "It is okay... i won't hurt you."
Nightmare just stares at him. Still shaking and now not just the panic and fear but also the cold. The hoody is warm but not enough to keep him warm. Probably because he grow up in a universe where it was forever spring and early summer.
Nightmare literally wasn't made for the cold.
Grillby inches closer and Nightmare pushes himself further back. The wall is freezing against his back and side but it is better than being near the other monster.
Grillby frowns "Where... where did you come from?"
Ngihtmare stares back. He doesn't have an answer for the other. Not one he wants to give.
Grillby frowns but pulls his bag over "You... you wanted food right?" he pushes the bag closer to him.
Nightmare feels hismelf eye the bag. He needs the food. He wants it so badly. The last time someone gave him food it had been a villager and the food had been drugged all so they could grab him and-
NIghtmare shakes his skull and pushes back further. Stay away.
Grillby frowns at him before trying to give a smile. "It is some of the food you had been looking at." he nudges the bag again.
Nightmare frowns and pushes further back as he glares. people don't just smile at him unless they want something from him. or want to trick him. He isn't falling for it. he swallows before speaking "I don't... have that much gold..." there. he can't pay for it.
Grillby just pushes the bag closer "It is okay. free of charge."
Nightmare glares at the other "No."
Grillby frowns "It is okay-"
Nightmare feels himself get angry and that breaks through the fear "I know you did something to it! leave me alone!"
Girllby looks pained and... pity.
Nightmare hates pity. Dream had stared at him wiht pity after he broke out. as if Dream pitied him for defending himself.
Grillby pulls the bag back over to himself and takes out some of the food. oh that is a sandwich and Nightmare feels his magic knit together and the hunger returns fullforce.
Grillby takes a moment to pull a piece of it and oh that is pulled beef in there and it looks so good. Grillby pops it into his mouth and swallows it.
and... nothing happened.
Nightmare keeps staring at the other as he waits. Nightmare knows from experience those things work very fast but nothing happens to the other.
Grillby lays it back on the paper and pushes it over "It is okay... it is just food."
Ngihtmare gulps as he stares at the food. He hadn't eaten for days at this point and ever since he left his castle three weeks ago he hadn't been eating anywhere near to enough. He reaches for the bag as he thinks. He just needs a little bit of food. just enough magic and he can teleport himself to an another universe. maybe he can get enough energy before whatever drug starts to work?
He gets the bag over to him and feels his resolve weaken quickly. mulitple sandwiches are in there. Nightmare grabs the one that Grillby had taste tested and takes a bite.
It tastes so good and his magic purrs as it finally gets some energy back after these last three weeks. the food demands his attention and nothing else matters right now. He takes bite after bite as his stomach fills up.
by the time half of it is gone he feels overfull and Nightmare knows he ate way too much. He feels so much better even if he is still cold and wet from the snow.
Grillby frowns at him "Is that all you will eat? You sure you don't want to eat more?"
Panic and suspicion returns nad Nightmare frowns at Grillby again. He waits a moment before nodding and pushing the bag of food back. including the half finished sandwich.
Grillby frowns and shakes his head "It is okay. Keep it for when you get hungry again... were are your... parent? parents?"
Nightmare glares "does it matter?"
Grillby smiles again and Nightmare doesn't feel any less suspicious of the other. Girllby nods "Well, yeah. I wanted to return you to them." and he waits.
Nightmare stares at him and feels spiteful "She died. She was murdered a long time ago. I don't have any family." not anymore. Not after his mother died. Not after he ruined everything and pushed Dream away from him. Not after the gang left and made it clear they didn't actually care.
Grillby just stares at him "You are alone?"
Ngihtmare shrugs "better like that..." no one can hurt him when he is alone. Maybe this was how it was meant to be. Maybe he was meant to be alone. Maybe that is for the better. No one wanted to be near him anyway. He should have seen that for the sign it was.
Grillby reaches a hand out "I am sure we can find some people to take care of you... I have a friend who is also a skeleton and-"
Nightmare shakes his skull and pusehs back "No."
Grillby raises both of his hands in surrender "That is okay... Then how about we go to my place again? There are rooms that you can use and-"
Nightmare glares at him "I am not going with you to a secondary location."
Grillby blinks before noddng "okay. that is okay. where do you want to go?"
Nightmare keeps glaring "I can get there myself."
Grillby looks deeply unhappy. Hah! Good! Nightmare has no doubt that the other was trying to lure him somewhere. But Nightmare isn't an idiot. He isn't just going to trust the other just because he was giving a bit of food.
Grillby sighs and nods "Okay... I need to go back. but if you need help just come by okay?" he smiles "I never caught your name. I am grillby."
Nightmare just looks at the other and raises a brow "That is because i didn't throw it." it just came out without a doubt. He had heard too many puns from the others when they all sitll lived together. He misses them.
Grillby blinks but chuckles "okay. take it easy okay? Get somewhere dry and warm and please just take the food and eat when you need it." he rises to his feet and leaves the alleyway. He pauses near the end for a moment "If you change your mind. You are welcome at Grillby's. We will figure out a safe spot for you okay?" and he leaves after a moment.
Nightmare waits for a bit more. long enough that he only hears the wind after a while and he is shaking in cold again. That is when he removes himself from his, very bad, hiding place and quickly goes towards the spot he had left most of his things. Taking the food with him.
He gets there and feels himelf relax a little bit.
But there is no time to let his guard down just yet. He needs to decide if he wants to risk sleeping here and being found now that people know he is here. Or move on to a new universe.
The new universe would mean a lot of time spend on finding a fitting place to stay again.
Ngihtmare sighs but quickly packs his things. better to be safe. he needs to go now he has the energy nad before this whole situation backfires on him. He is quickly packed and after making sure he got all his things and left zero marks of his stay he opens a portal.
It is so much harder than it used to be. He can also no longer make the long jumps to whatever universe he wants and can only go to the neighbouring universes.
a small and shaky portal of dark mist opens and Nightmare steps through.
Time for the next spot. maybe this one will work better.
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#RealAgeAU#Nightmare sans#bad sanses#utmv#drabble#and that is how Nightmare was doing while he was six and running across the multiverse#He isn't doing great guys#he is in a very bad mental space#but he is trying#poor baby#important to know is#that while this is happening the gang are searching high and low for Nightmare#reference wise.#the gang returned to the castle after a week and found nightmare after a month since they split up.#this is on week three ish#just to give a time reference#so yes this six year old has been managing to handle himself for the last three weeks#not very well but honestly pretty good for what his options are#okay. rambling and drabble over#time to struggle over links again
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.
#HES MY PRINCESS IDEK.#i dont think it happens naturally all that much because theyre usually in the business of calling each other names and being mean#so i think this would just be a random night where theyre on top and just think it would be really funny. to yank on his leash and call him#a good girl after bullying him into doing something. and well i just think it would get him is all i dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwww#i havr a lot of thoughts on the matter but i will stop for now#but the tldr is that with each other they tend to switch frequently and are always fighting#so i think itd take someone else being in the picture for hog to even realize how much he likes being a good boy :3#and i also dont think fish would be good at straightforward domming in the way he would want and they both know that#so its something he keeps between him and rat mostly. please dont ask me questions abt jrs sex life i have too many opinions on it#anyways. i think even tho fish knows theyd be bad at that they still feel left out so sometimes they go watch. they dont get anything out of#doing that theyre just sort of taking mental notes#all of this circles back to i think fish has always been the more sexually experienced of the two. and romantically.#i dont rlly think hog is a guy who dates i dont think hes ever been that and i dont think he made much time for hookups#(i think its cute if hes a virgin when they meet but 🤷 im not solid on it)#but i think for him hes just only ever fucked this one person and they do a LOT of stuff and it gets the job done so hes just never really#tried anything else. but. and again i have too many opinions on this but i think rat wouldnt be into their usual shteeze#i think hes a bit of a freak in his own way but the blood and weird anger issues is just not doing it for him most of the time#but i do think if given the opportunity he would LOVE to be The Boss for a little bit so i think he and hog can explore that together and it#will work out beautifully for them. this is great because i am not into strict d/s dynamics like that but i know in my heart that hoggy#would be. and i cant do that for him#again i think fish would be butthurt about this. mostly in a 'why didnt u tell me so we could try this :(' and he would go#'because you would suck at it and wouldnt like it' and they go oh. right. well im still mad#ANYWAYS. circling back. i think the good girl thing would be something fish knows that rat doesnt. and idk if theyd tell him or not#because i do think if they tell him he is using that for evil hog is going to be a good girl forever and ever. rat doesnt have the patience#to space it out the way fish does. which idk maybe thatd be good for hog he could work through some stuff...#but on the other hand i think its fun if they DONT tell him and just bust it out sometime when all 3 of them are doing the deed. or whatever#because again they mostly like how embarrassed he gets about it and i think he would be reallyyyy flustered by it#^ this is essentially part of my fantasy about spitroasting my beautiful wife until he cries just so everyone knows#idk i just think when he lets go of himself hed be a very cute and kind of needy subby bottom and i think hed be really easy to fluster#about it and i want it so bad
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Maaaaaaaaaaaan, come on.
(the post has ended up in the tags btw. I am not changing this and I need you to understand that it is just me talking to myself semi-publicly)
#Nevi Writes#things said by a guy writing a thing he doesn't even intend to be writing and it's like 10k of words now. >:[#while that's true I do want to emphasize that nobody should get excited about it right now tho okay#because like it's just. idk. I feel very much like it could end up not worth pursuing anyway. it's just a little baby wip.#(when the fuck did my little baby wips get to be 1/4-1/2 the length of my previous 'finished' stories!! what the hell)#it just feels nice to make words tho. and it does have that kind of 'ah good to catch up with these guys again' vibe which is nice.#even if the break has once again been like. on the order of days to a week maybe. I'm so bad at this taking a break business suddenly. lel.#but I don't have anything much to say about it at this point#other than I'm debating inventing a reason that presidential elections would have been moved by a couple of years between now and 2212#what is it with me and having to be so damn precise with dates in this whole narrative. am I just mad that Capcom never tries?#(yes) (so mad)#(and 2212 would actually be an election year is the problem. I want time to have passed but I also want there to be a pres. election.)#(it's fine don't worry about it)#(this is how I decided that Blucifer got bload up and then replaced also. weird reliance on mashing up IRL things and fictional explosions)#(but it's fun isn't it? got that veneer of verisimilitude. I'm good at long words)#idk this is inevitable isn't it. but I'm going to keep playing like it's not. I think I need a little more space for this one mentally.#the first one just sort of fell out of my head fully assembled and the second one did that also but with different vibes#though it did actually take some cutting things and adjusting things to make it work which Failure to Compile did not#Failure to Compile was bizarrely effortless until the mad editing dash. Outcome Unpredictable was WORK#fun work at least! but in hindsight it was definitely more work to make it flow properly.#the real job for the 3th if it happens is gonna be wrapping up threads without dropping new ones in bc that's such a habit of mine now
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its important to watch a new movie or read a new book sometimes. largely because 1) its nice to experience all the art this world has to offer but also 2) you might be able to find new scenarios to imagine your OCs in
#it gets the cogs turning if ur imaginary scenarios get stale#wait did anyone else do this. when i was a kid i played with my toys in the very storytelling heavy style#like every toy was a character type thing. ten million large spanning melodramatic stories of epic proportions with my littlest pet shops#like that was the type of play i liked. and i would#sit in front of the TV with whatever playing half watching cartoons#or watching some kids movie on vhs borrowed from the library back when they still had tapes#and the whole time i would be playing with my toys. seeming more engrossed in the story among my toys than the movie i was watching#but i WAS watching the movie i was just using it largely as a. jumping off point. to make up stories about like#my lps cat who can see ghosts and her search for her long lost twin sister or something#Oh god and when i was a little older like 10 years old making ms paint animations age#whenever i was watching a movie with like famiy or in class or whatever and maybe it was a little boring at parts#i would like. start focusing on the score only and just imagine my own sparklewolf OCs to it instead of paying attention#my dad often fondly remembers watching avatar in theatres with the whole family and looking over to me and seeing me mentally GONE hfkjdfhs#mother and older brother were pretty engrossed with the effects and visuals and i was like. eyes glazed over staring into space#imagining blue wolves with anime hair like :) my dad thought it was very funny. he cant judge the reason he was looking around was because#often hes more interested in watching other people react to a movie than the movie itself LOL we are cut from similar cloths..#i still dont remember a thing about that movie. but the score wasnt bad HJKDBJFKLSHJFDs#but yeah i dunno. watch a horror movie. think about putting your ocs through the horrors. thats how ive lived my entire life
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the thing about X6 is that he's essentially a slave given to the Sole Survivor by the Institute. and I think that the fandom's treatment of him would be different if the game addressed it or even just said it
#forever crying cause x6 has no companion quest#i mean like. would be cool if fallout fans could read implications but also i think im one of the very few who actually think about x6#like. what the hell.........#also obv the institute synth slavery plotline was incredibly mishandled and also bad but like. everyone knows that#fallout 4 would be SO good if it was good#one thing i think about the synths. is that there are different divisioms of gen 3s#the common one: normal artificial human-cyborg basically. BUT has a short life expectancy (like... 10-15 years? short in general)#for the coursers i cant decide whether theyre upgraded commons (which would make them 'a class above' with some 'gifted' individuality)#or if theyre just. made to kill. superior physically and mentally. proficient with weapons. uncommon. even shorter life expectancy tho#and the impersonators made specifically to inflitrate the outside world. who have a life expectancy much closer to a real human#but theyre uncommon (usually community leaders) and theyre hard to make. so the commons are also sent up a lot of the time#and the institute goal in all this is to secretly control the commonwealth societies AND to use the synths (with 'a shorter life anyways')#to clean the commonwealth of radiation and create safe spaces and generally make it good and safe. and also perform eugenics on the humans#so that after the commonwealth is safe and non irradiated etc. the institute humans can actually come out and have the world ready for them#and they'd be provided for etc etc. which would make a convincing goal for a vault-like society AND have the ss actually consider joining#but with obvious flaws in their plan (maybe not even their grandchildren would see the outside. the synth slavery obv (with disregard for#their lives). the basically slow genocide of the outside humans and ghouls and all mutated life. like itd be so good#also the short life cycle of a synth (especially a courser) would make an x6 story so tasty. like. hes probably what? 6 or 8? not a lot#is he a child? not really. an adult? i dont think so. hes just here and hes going to die soon and theres nothing you can do#could be a nice ground for a companion quest where hes free and learns how to live to the fullest for his remaining years or smth#also the short lifespan (finally remembered thw word) could actually be a reason for synths to be considered less than human#cause in the base game its just like. theyre just some guys with metal in their heads and i guess they were made in a lab (noone could tell)#coming back to the institute. they would be so full of themselves and scared of the outside and pretty pathetic that thered be no way#to talk them into changing their plans and working with the outside world. but youd have to think about it a bit cause their supplies#WILL run out. its a matter of time. and they will NOT work with the other factions no matter what. so if work against them youll doom them#which is why we could use some innocent institute npcs too. or like... show some children there or whatever. make them human too#but you also see how much destruction theyre causing in the outside world (insert quest about synths like... the mcdonough quest or smth)#damn and i thought i wouldnt go on a tirade in the tags again.... alas#well here are my almost 2am thoughts about the institute and that its stupid in base game#fallout 4 would be so good if it was good
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anyway. this picture is several weeks old but i went to see them the other day and my friend on the right chuckled at me when i got there and wouldn't leave me alone the whole time i was in the paddock.... :')
#she had an often difficult time when she was up here and i went to a lot of personal effort to make it less bad for her and be a safe person#for her and it's always very gratifying when a horse likes you and wants to hang out with you#she is doing much better now. finally getting a horse friend and constant access to food and space has emotionally stabilized her a lot#obviously because living in a stall with no conspecific contact is a great and effective way to give a horse mental illness#and funny enough parts of her topline are better now after a few weeks of living outside and “doing nothing” than they were when she was#here “in work” haha crazy how that works#the other horse i don't know but he has definitely been through it. he is a good friend for her though and retired#i'm very glad that she's in a better situation. unfortunately cannot say the same for my two stallion friends who left#me#horses#alice
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Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow
#idk i don't have much 'real stuff' happening irl besides like. job hunting and college applications. so it's hard#but i think if i at least ease off some time on here n read a little more n watch more movies i might start to feel better#haven't really liked where my head's been at lately it feels like whatever persona is The One Who Blogs is 'taking over' more#to put it in a very dorky comic book-sounding ass way LMAO but that's how i feel! like i'm losing my own 'voice' yknow#my mental health is Bad my physical health is also Not Great n i kinda feel like ass. if i'm being honest#idk i feel like i'm crashing from whatever high i've been on for the past couple of days n i'm not Really super happy w myself#except the media literacy posts those were good. but like the more discoursey stuff i'm not proud of#again sorry to like. publicly vent LMAO i'll be fine i'm good. i'm trying really hard to pull myself out of this#but again. sorry abt the Shite i was posting earlier today i wasn't really in my own right head#just kinda wanted 2 get all that off my chest idk if it's clear that i don't really have anyone i feel like i can talk to right this moment#i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post#NOT to make it sound all about me or whatever but it's true. i'm very very scared of losing people n right now this is My Space#i'd forgotten just how bad it felt. in this Specific case it is kinda my fault tho LMAO don't worry i've apologized as best i know how#okay i'm done. i'm done. i'm gonna go watch tv and go to bed i hope#open mick night
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need to tell you about him … he makes me feel so bad for him WHY ARE YOU CRYING STIOP IY ILL STARY CRYINF ILL DO THE LESSON PLEA
i am a weak little boy . duo is such a cheeky little guy .
btw old screenshot I’ve got . a 9 day streak now 😼😼
#duolingo#that fucking green bird /affectionate#i love him but also I hate him#my son……#he has 97 mental illnesses and is banned from most public spaces#unfortunately#I LOVE HIM…..#he just makes me feel very bad#if he cries i cry
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guy who used to think he had a dissociative disorder, decided "nah im making that up" and forgot for 7 years, now realizing he may in fact, have that dissociative disorder
#gil.txt#like im always me right? but who 'me' is changes distinctly sometimes#and most of my memories feel like someone elses#like im seeing them thru my eyes but they happened to someone else#and i frequently feel like i am piloting a strangers body#no amnesia but i do have a real real bad memory#like i have very few memories of my childhood#and most of the ones i do have are brief flashes of a place or like. an impression of something#and most of them i cant really place on a timeline#to elaborate on the first point: sometimes 'me' is gil the 22 yr old bisexual trans guy who could write and impromptu speech on corsets#and sometimes 'me' is an approx. 15-17 yr old girl who loves space and pretty girls and she still believes in god#but shes afraid of what that means for her#and sometimes 'me' is he/him in a girl way and i dont really think i know much abt who i am when im him but hes different than gil me#and when im gil those other two mes feel like other people who are not me#and the same with the others#im not sure if me is just those three or if there are more versions of me but#mental health talk#fun
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man.
#i had this whole post ive been trying to formulate for so so long. abt my issues w ceewilbur and ccwilburisms and#to clarify i do like cwilb he is one of my faves. ik it may seem i wanna bite his arm off smtimes and i Do but#its mostly bitterness directed to the stuff Around him if that makes sense. yk the response to lots abt him#the way the overcompensation abt how he can be villanized swinging into a state where he Cant and never Did and wrong and if you critique#or acknowledge it you get snipped at and demeaned and treated like its a targeted hit on the mentally ill when its like#a mild disagreement with one of the most popular characters in the fanbase Easily#and w cc wil i do think he is just sm guy. im sure he's a nice dude idrc abt the ccs usually but he seems alright enough even tho he has v#goofy ahh takes and opinions but that doesnt make you Evil#but when i dive into what really has made me feel so alienated and snippy its. llmao its the racism yeah lol its super very much the racism#its very very prevelent and very common and very unchallenged. and it like. upsets me so bad its why i keep bailing on making my actual#full detailed post abt it. cuz everytime i try to formulate my thoughts i just get upset and frustrated i wanna rip my hair out#its hard not to feel like im talking to a wall when its so common and unchecked and. ive seen rightful critiques of these spaces and how#ppl interact with them Openly Mocked and brushed aside and treated like 'petty sensative internet drama' that ppl need to 'just get over'#sorry man im a fucking 🇲🇽 i cant exactly log off and Stop Experiencing Racism. and sorry that me feeling alienated and tired and sad abt#it is an inconvenience for you llol#and like idk. im not upset w anyone in particular this isnt a call out post or vague who give a shit and.#eh maybe im stupid but i really really believe a lot of ppl arent doing it on purpose#its just bein parroted ik i get it but#am i rlly not allowed to be tired? why should it feel like my responsibility to hold ppls hand and go hey mb treat poc and darker skinned#ppl like ppl. maybe you should examine why you need so many things made palatable to you through conventionally attractive whiteness first#idk. idk!!! am i crazy who fucking knows#but it has been weighing on me stupid style so bad#the shrinking fanbase and primarily yk common stragglers has just. rlly felt like a magnifying glass to my already existing issues abt it#idk man. idk im tired and im at work its 100°+ and my head hurts so this is all yr getting. lea me alone#and again this isnt a vague who Cares. just wanted to get it off my chest finally#huri.txt#discourse#<- ig
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Mmm nothing like a good old full blown panic attack, I haven't had one in years. This time at least I have access to medication to make it stop a lot faster, but I have 6 pills left for the next 2,5 months and the recent trends in my mental state are not looking good.
#majek says shit#very bad year and VERY BAD week#had a new friend over for a few days and they had and encounter with an absolute bed bug infestation a couple days earlier#took all precautions they could and were very serious about the whole thing but were paranoid#something bit my bf on the knee literally the day after she left and we're in overdrive now#I say it's a mosquito because that night there was one in the house that I couldn't cath#but he says thats not how his body reacts to mosquitoes. I'm keeping myself in denial to preserve the little mental health I have left#my body decided that the stress will manifest as itchy hives which is great#we moved everything to my room and I'm going insane#I need my own space to live with someone and we even slept separately for like 2 years because it's better for sleep quality#and now we sleep together which is pretty nice and nicer than I remembered but also I have literally no space mental or physical#I'm unemployed and he works from home#we moved the tv to watch movies in bed and everything is taking so much physical space. my personal space#the house is a mess and my life is a mess and everything seems hopeless#I'm having... anxiety attacks? first once a week now every day. I always thought they were like milder panic attacks#they kinda are. as in they are shorter. and actually about something not the undescribed “watch out!”#but severity is like a panic attack was compressed into a few seconds which feel like I'm standing on the edge of a void pulling me in#it's physical. I have to physically hold on to something or move my body vigorously as if I'm shuffling away#and it lasts literally seconds and I'm fine-ish#my psychiatrist heard about it happening once a week and wrote me a prescription (?) to go to psychiatric hospital#not to stay there but for intensive 5-6h daily three month therapy#and after that visit I started having these attacks daily I think because it got to me that I'm Not Ok#it all started when I started on my new antidepressants and they are helping... but I'm afraid they are breaking something else...#I'm scared that they are#but so much is happening#unemployed for a year. my industry is going to shit. lost my friend who made sure to give me a big package of toxic waste as a farewell gift#so I have no support from anyone who even remotely understands me#unemployment means rejection over and over because I'm trying...#and this week exhausted me socially on top of everything. and the bed bugs threat. it's good I at least have xanax when it gets like today#oh also I'm turning 30 in a month. this is going to be great for job opportunities I can feel it
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40
actually had to restart my knit vest, because I don't know how to do maths.
he got me roses! he got me squealing and kicking my feet and shit. Except motherfucker hasn't even kissed me yet >.< (don't fucking come at me for this). yes, yes, yes, feminism this, feminism that, blah, blah, blah. eat my shorts. I'll swallow my pride and do it myself, but let me complain. my friends are all yelling at me.
things are moving rapidly with the US and I'm adjusting accordingly(?). trying not to let the stress of the literal entire universe affect me so much. or more importantly, not let the stress affect the way I act around other people. yay for personal growth.
#very much a 'i did the calculations but man am i bad at maths' moment#and YES he knows i am going to seattle#and NO i haven;t discussed its implications much further#diary#ML and I booked flights to japan!! but i havent had the free mental space to book or schedule shit yet#maybe in like 3 or 4 weeks lol
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Katsuki is wide. He had grown a lot physically and mentally, but this time, we are going to focus on the physical part.
Bakugo Katsuki is the king of manspreading. He manspread in the common couch, he manspread in the train seat, he manspread even in bed. Unconsciously in his sleep. He can't help it. He is a big boy.
It's UA annual camp. There's cabins for boys and for girls. The cabins have only two beds each, so the students of class 3A and 3B are set in pairs.
You had a bad dream, and obviously, your first thought is going to Katsuki to find some comfort. It's pure instinct. You know his roommate is Kirishima, and he won't mind having you there to spend the rest of the night. Sleepovers between the three of you are something very usual.
It's almost 2 am. when you knock the boys door and then slowly twist the handle when no one responds to you. There's darkness everywhere, so you have to use your phone flashlight to find Katsuki's bed, when you find it you know it's going to be a hard work.
"Babe," you whisper. "Wake up, make room to me"
He is spread like a starfish. The duvet is falling on one side, and the blankets are rolled up at the end of the bed.
You look at Kirishima for support, and he's sleeping wrapped up like a burrito. The difference between the two of them is kinda fun.
"Katsuki," you try again. Thank god it's almost summer because standing there while freezing it was not an available option for you. "Baby, please," you murmur.
"Bakubro" Kirishima stirs awake for a moment and then fall asleep again.
Miraculously, he rolls to the other side and leaves you a tiny space to curl up against him.
Katsuki wakes up in the morning to an empty bed. He's confused. He swears he heard you coming last night, and he is almost sure you spend the night with him. When he sees you having breakfast on your own, he's quick enough to sit by your side, Kirishima joining you two after a mere second.
"I thought you were with me in bed last night." he doesn't say good morning or how do you sleep. He goes straight to the point.
"Yeah, but you pushed me off the bed," you say, not even looking at his puzzled face. Kirishima looks at both of you and forbids himself to laugh.
You had a shitty night of sleep, so you can't help feeling a little defensive on that one.
Katsuki knows his habits of sleep very well, and he feels like a bad excuse of a boyfriend because of the notorious bags under your eyes and your obvious lack of will to be up so early in the morning.
"Next time, jump me and settle yourself on the side against the wall," he grunts, obviously annoyed to himself. You hum in response, accepting the bowl of cereal he is pushing to your side as a truce.
There won't be such a thing as next time.
Next time he would make sure to be wide awake when you come running at him because of a bad dream, of course.
Do not edit or reupload my works elsewhere! All rights reserved.
#mha x reader#bakugo x reader#bnha bakugou#bakugo headcanons#my hero academia#bakugo smut#bakugou smut#katsuki bakugo x reader#my hero academy fanfiction#mha bakugo katsuki#mha fluff#mha bakugou#mha#bnha fluff#bnha drabble#bnha x reader#bnha#bakugou katsuki x reader#bakugo katsuki#katsuki bakugou#bakugou katsuki#bnha bakugo katsuki
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ik i said i wanted to do at least 2-3 personal solo zines this year aside from the one i already put out but im having such a hard time deciding on a topic?? 'random art zine' or 'sketchbook zine' feel too random kadhfkj. and the only thing ive been MEGA into lately have been my own ocs but making a zine with them would feel weird..also very niche lmao
#also i really dont like the idea of putting my silly oc stuff behind paywalls if im being real ajsdkf theyre goobers free to the world#if i didnt need money i wouldnt even consider any of the zines being paid zines#id just make em all free forever bc i rly do just enjoy sharing stuff like that#but alas...the horrors (being poor + severely mentally ill so i need money sometimes for things) agh...#everytime i sell stuff or make some money with comms something happens like i need to buy pet stuff (food or litter or my dogs expensive#flea pills but they NEED those bc ticks and fleas here in the summer are actually SO bad he needs the vet grade tablets to handle them)#so basically my debt isnt necessary getting too much worse which is good! but its also not..improving bc i keep havin to buy necessities#im not buying anything crazy or nyhting just absolute must haves yk..and yet#oh well at least ppl buying the clothes means ill free up a lort of space if nothing else like even if theres no actual..profit HSDKF#theres two boxes worth of clothes haha...it makes me happy to think ppl will wear them tho since im not anymore#ive been very unhappy w my own clothes augh :( i want to be happy wearing things but idk. idk. nothing i have is sparking enough joy lately#ive bene living in pjs...going to public places in pjs...#very out of character for me but god lol my brain lately#i got some more books at the libraby today when i was picking my nephew up tho :) so that made me happy#theyre all art related !! so mostly pictures + artists talking abt their techniques#all landscape related bc i wanna do more complex painted bgs this year and dip my toes into traditional art a lot more. my sister is#actually a great painter so maybe ill ask her for pointers. but then again thats kinda embarrassing so maybe not#sanchoyorambles#BASICALLY YES MORE ZINES ARE MTH I WANT TO DO BUT IDEAS. NOT WORKING RN
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Kiribaku x Reader: Miss You
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Kiribaku x (Gender-neutral) reader
Warnings: Snippets of spicier content, pre-NSFW, 18+
Description: Bakugo's out of town on a mission, Ejiriou decides to text him late at night.
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12:46am
The numbers stared at Eijiro, taunting him with every blink. It felt like there was never enough space in your enormous king-sized bed, but somehow, now that there wasn't an angry blonde on the other side of the mattress, it felt remarkably empty.
You were long since asleep, curled up and drooling on his chest before 11:30pm - despite your adamant denial that you 'do not drool'. You were tucked up against his side, Dynamight plushie firmly secured under your chin.
The sturdy hero thought it was the purest thing he'd ever seen, and it gave him a reason to text Katsuki so late. He knew under normal circumstances, the blond would kill him for being awake.
He doubted Kats would even be awake himself, but if he wasn't, at least he'd see Ejiro's text in the morning.
So he snapped a quick photo of the two of you, cringing at the brightness of the flash.
~ Red 🪨
Think someone's missing you
<image attached>
The responding message came through in seconds.
~ Blasty 💥
Can't believe we still have that stupid thing.
*image saved*
True enough, the limited edition plush had more than a few scorch marks on it. Evidence of Katsuki's previously attempted 'hits' on the doll.
Ejiro smiled to himself fondly.
~ Red 🪨
I think we'd both prefer it if it was the real Dynamight
~ Blasty 💥
Obviously.
Which in Bakugo language translated to 'Yeah, me too.'
You stirred slightly under your boyfriend's hold, and the red head made a mental note to type more quietly.
~ Red 🪨
How much longer do they think the assignment will take?
~ Blasty 💥
Fuckers keep giving me different answers. Hard to tell. If it’s not done by Friday I’m coming home anyway.
Ejirou knew he very likely would.
~ Blasty 💥
It’s late. Go to sleep, shitty hair.
~ Red 🪨
Can’t sleep. Miss you
~ Blasty 💥
Miss you too, E, and the Gremlin.
He meant you. The nickname stuck after the first time you all slept over together and Katsuki discovered your 'unsavoury' sleeping habits; snoring and latching onto people.
~ Red 🪨
<image attached>
This time it was Kirishima kissing your head gently, your face smooshed even further into his pec with the change in angle. He knew it was risky to use flash, but he was praying you’d stay asleep.
Wish you were here x
~ Blasty 💥
*image saved*
Why’s Friday so fucking far away?
The typing bubble filled the empty silence for a few seconds before disappearing. Riot held back a chuckle, he was tell Katsuki was wrestling with admitting defeat his feelings.
You guys are cute.
~ Red 🪨
Naww thanks babe, you’re not so bad yourself ;)
~ Blasty 💥
Don’t start shit, Ejiro. It's too late.
The red head felt suddenly cocky.
~ Red 🪨
That a challenge?
~ Blasty 💥
Warning you, E.
The red head considered his options for less than half a second before rolling away ever so slightly so he could send his partner a more…scandalous photo.
Pointing the camera towards his chest, Ejirou made sure to get his pec in frame once more, only slightly hardened this time, knowing how much the explosive hero loved them- even if he would rather die before admitting to that.
A cheeky smile showed off his sharp teeth and tongue that hung teasingly out from between them.
He winced at the flash once more, but decided his mission was worth it. Satisfied with himself, he pressed the send button as you stirred beside him.
~ Red 🪨
<image attached>
“E…what’re y’doing?” You mumbled.
“Shit, I’m sorry sweetheart. I was just texting Kats.”
“With flash on?” You grumbled, clearly unhappy with the hero beside you.
“I’m, ah….helping him out?”
“Oh. Can I see?”
~ Blasty 💥
<video attached>
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#bnha ao3#bnha bakusquad#bnha kirishima#bnha sero#denki kaminari#denki smut#poly kiribaku#kirishima smut#bakusquad smut#hanta sero smut#bakusquad#bnha bakugou#bakugou katsuki#kirishima x reader#kiribaku#kirishima eijiro#kirishima eijirou#kiribaku x reader#kiribaku x y/n#bnha eijiro kirishima#bakugou x reader#bakugou#katsuki bakugo x reader#hanta sero#mha denki#bnha smut#denki x reader#sero x reader#sero hanta#kaminari
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