kiss the shit out of you — k.mg drabble.
❝ in which you thought there'd never be a time when you would experience first-hand jealousy but turns out you aren't an exception to this emotion.
( or in which your boss seungcheol loves to find new ways to push your buttons. and push you towards mingyu too. you might just punch him or thank him. )
pairing: secret!agent mingyu x secret!agent reader, established stage.
genre : fluff, angstish.
warnings : jealousy, mentions of bars and drinks, death threats, no actual kissing guys im sorry
a/n : pri comeback with another secret agent mingyu drabble. who cheered. not a full on comeback but hey i picked this up from my abandoned clusters of wips and welp this is how it turned out, let me know what you think !! also urm if the writing is a lil yk wonky pls bare w me it's been a long while <3 also the summary probs sucks my bad g again it's been aaa whileee :DDDDDD
word count : 1.8k
“I want to kill you.”
You glared at Cheol as you clenched your fist to your side resisting the urge to punch the shit-eating grin off his face.
Not an ideal sentence to tell your boss but the situation he’d kept you in was going the way he predicted and not how you thought it would.
It started earlier in the day when he called Mingyu and you along with Chan and Seokmin in to do a mission which would require disguises and putting on an act. It was simple really he said, you all had to attend a gala, which had the member of a gang you’d been trying to catch attending as well.
Butter him up, a few drinks later and he’d let the information you seeked slip out with ease. This particular member was one who caused a lot of mishaps, knowingly or unknowingly, he was hard to track but this was a sure tip as his name was also on the guest list.
It all seemed okay until he told you the twist. You would be the servers along with Chan and Seokmin. You looked at him in confusion wondering if he forgot Mingyu was also called in and was right beside you also wondering something similar.
“What about him?”
“Oh right. He’s going to be attending as a couple with Yura.” He said it nonchalantly while looked towards you,
“It shouldn’t be a bother to you right? Considering it’s just a few hours and most importantly for the job.” He had a smug look on his face to which you slowly narrowed your eyes at him. Mingyu was going to oppose, but you shushed him.
“It’s for the job Gyu, it wouldn’t matter to me.” You knew he had more to say but he just frowned and nodded at your words.
You knew what card he had been playing, you could remember him asking you that what if there came a time your partner would have to act as a couple with someone else would you have gotten jealous and you also remember you scoffing at him saying, it would be for a mission only anyways, why would you be? He protested saying it was natural to feel jealous but you told him that then you would need to get a grip instead of being unprofessional.
Now you could feel your words bite you back as you tried not to glare at the way she seemed more than excited to be with ‘the most sought out’ agent.
You scoffed at yourself, feeling an even worse guilt at being jealous. The kind where you trusted him, but you couldn’t help the ugly emotion to rise up and as time went it seemed to rile up.
It was going to be one of the rookies, her first big assignment being this. Her name was Yura, from what you recalled.
Your relationship with Mingyu was not exactly public. Again it was your idea. It seemed all your ideas were eventually coming to bite you in the back. Maybe this was your karma for something.
Eventually looking away from the couple, you sighed as you sat down by the bar.
“Oye, you aren’t supposed to sit, you’re the server here.” Before he could speak further, Chan elbowed your boss to which he glared at him but eventually gulped a little when he saw the look on your face.
Now, Choi Seungcheol was no coward. But he knew better than to already fuel a fire that might just burn him alive. Quite literally. He thinks he’s spoken enough when he sees your stare harden.
“Haha, or not, yeah um…continue to sit as you wish, besides we’re just back up here…I’ll uh, I’ll go finish the um…cleaning the glasses.”
“Get me a drink. Strong.”
And as your pretend bartender colleague made you an actual whisky on the rocks — training required prior days to mission — your eyes automatically once again drifted off to him.
Your partner, your boyfriend, highlighting the your factor harshly in your thoughts as you looked at the pretend couple.
Jealousy, you learnt that day, is an ugly emotion but a fascinating one too. It might slowly chip away at your self esteem and build on a pile of undeserving guilt but it somehow helps in emphasising just how much one means to the other.
It was a horrible pit at the bottom of your stomach but an unflattering brush in the depth of your heart. Both making you more confused and therefore, anger being the only emotion that would make sense.
You could hear her giggles as she leaned in closer to his side, her arm practically cushioned between his and you clenched your molars in the assumed anger.
It was as if he could sense your gaze. He always could, since a long time actually. As though his mind seemed to embed you, your presence right into his unconscious to the point he could practically feel your gazes on him.
Maybe an exaggeration but he thinks when it comes to you, it all seemed to fall less.
His eyes flickered to see where you were directing yours at, and immediately he had to put in his all to not just move away. He was trying his all honestly, the reason he accepted was because he was sure you were also okay with it.
Professionally. Of course.
Emotionally? Personally?
You may have just been on the edge of punching someone. Seungcheol, you wish.
The way you were looking seemed nonchalant but this was the man that loved – loves you. Of course he knew when you were anything but.
Before you could even move your attention to him from where it had darted to – Yura subtly moved her hand above Mingyu’s. It was so subtle but you were very observant, unfortunately in this case, hand clenching around the now almost empty glass of alcohol.
It seemed in a flash, he abruptly pulled away, murmuring an excuse of getting another drink and you rolled your eyes at the pet names that smoothly rolled out of Yura’s tongues for him. You could feel your sanity level drop at that point.
Taking a deep breath, you reminded yourself as you shut your eyes for a second, that this was a mission. A job. You couldn’t, shouldn’t fuck this up because you can’t keep your newly acquired emotions in check—
A hand on top of yours was the next thing you felt. And even before you opened your eyes to face the owner of the hand, you already knew.
“Hey.” Minyu softly whispered, facing affront while you turned your head in his direction. He was close but not enough to seem suspicious, hand being hidden from the view of the others at the table.
Even though it was just a small touch, he kept it there as he spoke out to Chan. Mumblings of the drinks, a few details about the information he managed to get.
Yet all you could focus on was the warmth that radiated from his hand above yours. The way his hair was styled, the way his longer strands stood out perfectly, the way his pinkish lips moved as he spoke, eyes briefly shifting to yours when he did and it seemed he noticed your blatant checking out as one corner of his lip rose up.
Dammnit, his suits were always your weakness.
“Hi” He tried again, briefly shifting his head in your direction which seemed to snap you out of your daze as you blinked a few times.
“Hey.” You turned your hand that was facing down, and he briefly looked over and intertwined his fingers through yours.
Chan hastily looked over as he made the drinks, deciding he could probably slow down making the few drinks, and not like he was an expert at being fast anyway.
“Be careful.” He whispered to your pair, to which you looked at him and rolled your eyes but gave a short nod.
“Are you alright?” As Mingyu asked, you froze up for a moment, wondering if your obvious discomfort was already known to him.
Gulping, you nodded because it seemed easier to nod than to let your words out in fear of stumbling over reasons for your discomfort.
Jealousy, was again, odd. It made you ashamed, a lump in the throat due to feeling like perhaps you were just overthinking it all.
You didn’t even realise you were blatantly showing your nervousness, eyes looking at anywhere but his and mulling your bottom lip.
“You don’t need to worry over anything, ‘s going fine okay?”
“I can see that.”
The words came out sharply than intended, and he blinked owlishly, eyebrow raising at you with an emotion that seemed familiar to both confusion and wonder in his eyes.
“You don’t seem okay though.” He bit the bullet and told you his actual thoughts. He would have even said his assumptions but he did not want to tread too far.
“I’ll be fine, stop worrying about me. Your girlfriend wouldn’t appreciate that.”
Aha. There it was.
He scanned your face. The scoff was prominent as you narrowed your eyes ahead.
“You know you're the only one that matters to me right?” And even though he was tempted to tease you at the moment, he figured he'd save it for later.
His hand squeezed yours, as if to amplify his words, their meaning to you. How much he truly meant them, he hoped that it would somehow reach to you through the simple motion of squeezing your hand tighter.
And somehow, he knows it did when the crease between your brow slowly disappeared, when the scowl on your face dropped and a seemingly exhausted sigh escaped you.
Jealousy was…tiring.
“Yes, I know.”
Without thinking, he leaned in closer to you, mouth grazing your ear as he spoke, the sudden warmness of his breathing so close making you shudder slightly.
“Tell you what baby? You can simply kiss the out of me when we get back. You know, remove all your anger, I heard it's a great exercise.”
The abruptness of the statement made you pull away and you couldn't help but giggle at his words, feeling a lot lighter than previously. A warm feeling spreads on your cheeks at the thought of his pink lips captivating yours.
And of course, no one in this world could surprise you the way Kim Mingyu does.
Well two could play at this.
Leaning in closer, your eyes gleamed with an equally mischievous flair to his, you whispered, only for his ears.
“As if I need permission to kiss the shit out of you, I hope you know I can and will do it anytime, anywhere.”
His smile turned into a smirk as he glanced back at the table, seeing how his colleague was occupying the others, knowing he could go off for a few.
Looking at you determinedly, he stood up, pushing his hand forward,
“Bathroom break?”
And of course, anywhere Kim Mingyu would go, you'd too.
Placing your head in his, you nodded with a chuckle at how unserious this was getting,
“Sure.”
Lucky for the both of you, it seemed you were good at keeping your words. And kissing of course.
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a lesson in do-overs
tasm!peter x reader
summary:
"you can't fix this."
"i can."
warnings: angst, breakup, fluff, friendship, breakup, fluff, um, and, :DDDDDD
a/n: i am lovesick and cried four times. shhhh.
*
the first time is not the worst.
but it still hurts like hell.
peter paces back and forth. his eyes are turned toward the floor. his hands are crumbling his hair, strands falling to the floor like a finality.
you can see him aging in front of you.
and despite wanting to, you're not sure how to stop it.
"i don't know," you say, softly.
or maybe desperately.
maybe you choke on some air, on some forbidden thing that you've been trying not to feel.
maybe you don't even say it. maybe it doesn't need to be said.
"what--" peter stops. he's not looking at you, just some space where your ghost stands. "what do you want?"
"peter," you say.
"i can fix this," he says. he swears it. "if you just give me some time, i can..." he shakes his head.
he's confessing to you, but you have no wise words to forgive his sin. god doesn't talk to you much, anymore.
faith was lost when you first began to notice the worn skin of peter's face.
his relentless stubbornness, his uncompromising manner.
these are things you loved, at some point.
these are things you still love. like the warm brown of his eyes--even though they're frozen now, like the ground during winter--and his brilliant smile--even though that's some faded memory on his face--and his humor. charm. his ability to make everything okay, even when he wasn't really trying.
these are things you love about him.
and you'd never thought that love wouldn't be enough.
"you can't fix this."
"i can."
you shake your head. you laugh at the body you've left behind. "with what?" you ask him. "you can't glue this back together, peter, neither of us is strong enough for--"
"yes we are," he promises. he takes a step closer to you. "we can do this. we just--" he breathes out shakily. "we just have to try harder. we have to talk. we'll figure it out."
"peter," you say again.
like it will tether you to reality.
like you're looking for someone who isn't there.
peter's got brown eyes. he's got a wide smile, slightly crooked. he's got a hooked nose. he's got lips that you've kissed a million times.
a voice that creates storms. peter's got your heart, and you don't think that he'll ever give it back. not willingly.
but some part of you knows that you can live without it.
that this isn't detrimental, to either of you.
just painful.
"peter," you say, whispering it. he's close to you. he's looking at you now, but he can't seem to find your eyes. "i don't want either of us to hurt like this anymore."
peter purses his lips. he takes a step back. "you think that leaving is going to stop that?"
a tear that you've punished time and time again falls down your cheek.
rivers and roads that belong on no map.
"this is how you're trying to protect me?" he demands. "by breaking up with me? by not even telling me why--"
"i've told you," you say, somewhat desperately. "you can't change who you are peter, but neither can i."
"i can," he swears. "i can, you just have to let me try."
"peter, i'm not going to ask you to do that. it's not fair."
"neither is this, y/n!" he says. he laughs. he smiles. he falters from a person that you love. "you've just decided this," he pushes at you, "without me. we're supposed to be a team, we're supposed to talk things through and be there for each other--"
"i can't do this anymore."
peter stops.
you see something leave his face.
and while you wish it was his fight, you desperately want it to be something else.
fight me, you want to say. tell me again that this isn't an answer.
but peter knows that it is.
you know that it is.
and still, you start shaking as soon as you notice the tears flooding his eyes. he's not conceding, merely giving up. and he's not hurt, but angry.
some part of you knows that this really isn't fair.
"okay," he says.
there's something inside your chest keeping you from breathing.
it laughs and laughs.
peter sighs. he rubs his eyes and wipes his hands on his jeans.
he's not looking at you anymore. which is probably a good thing, considering.
you keep your head held high, bones feeling like strings, dangled by the puppeteer.
"okay."
peter walks out the door without saying goodbye. he takes your heart with him, clenching it in his furious grasp.
you fall to the floor, wondering if maybe you were wrong.
*
you avoid him for a couple of weeks after.
which isn't hard because peter doesn't show up at school. he's not hanging outside your window, tapping on the glass, and drawing a heart with his finger.
he's not in any corner, waiting to scare you with his smile and take you to lunch.
he's not there at night to keep you warm.
you have to buy another blanket. have to wear socks because you can no longer rest your cold toes on his calf just to feel him shiver.
you don't see him, and that's probably a good thing. it's probably the best thing for both of you.
but it's lonely at night.
it's suffocating without his laughter, without his teasing, and early morning kisses.
it's terrible to have made this decision, even if it was the right one.
and you miss peter. that's obvious enough.
*
"hey," he says, months and years of yearning and weeks after you've broken up with him. "can i sit here?"
you're staring at him, half paused with a water bottle to your lips, half bewildered by his soft eyes and pleasant smile.
you've seen peter walk around school. you've heard him answer questions in class.
but it's not the same when he's up close. when he's talking to you.
you swallow. "yeah," you clear your throat. "yeah, of course."
"thanks."
he sits down and you try not to feel envigorated by his presence.
"how are you?" you ask him, forgetting entirely about lunch.
peter blinks. he breathes and you forget how to. "i'm good. um, you?"
you shake your head, nonchalant. "fine."
peter offers you a smile.
like an olive branch.
and while you long to touch his skin and smile back and him and allow every single manipulative thing inside him to take you over--you're not sure that you should.
you're trying to kick this feeling to the curb.
it is not wanted, thank you.
peter shakes out his hair. he clears his throat. "is--is that the english homework?"
"what?" you look down at the bench beside you, books piled high enough to feel intrusive. "oh. yeah."
"you haven't started it?"
you recognize this teasing voice. and every other little thing about him.
"i'm busy," you defend. "i was going to get to it."
"some of us finished it in class."
peter is cruel, sitting in front of you pretending everything is fine. he is a jerk for existing at all.
unfortunately, you've never minded.
*
"c'mon, peter," you say, cooing. you've got a smile on your face, but peter isn't looking at you.
he's laying in his bed, blankets covering his face--which is currently smothered into a pillow. "no."
his voice is so muffled that you can barely hear it.
"it won't take that long. i'll even buy you breakfast."
"sick," peter says. "can't."
you whine and fall on top of him. "peter," you complain. "you said you'd go with me. you promised."
peter turns around, effectively rolling you off of him. "that was before it was eight in the morning."
he lifts the covers off of his face, hair falling into his eyes.
you scowl at him.
he scowls back.
"i will... let you pick the movie next movie night."
"no, you won't."
you roll your eyes. "i'll bake you brownies."
peter laughs. "last time you tried to bake brownies you almost burned down the kitchen."
"that was not my fault," you say, pouting. "what do you want? i don't want to run around all day alone."
"then you should stay here," he says. "we can sleep all day."
you roll your eyes again. "peter."
you lay back in his bed, clasping your hands on your stomach, attempting to not look at him.
it's a very futile effort.
see, peter's got this allure. this secret that he refuses to tell you but makes you fight for.
"fine," you sit up, shrugging. "i'll just let may know that i'm leaving all alone because my best friend--her nephew--has ditched me--"
peter sits up, groaning.
you smile, victorious. and maybe a little bit because he's so close to you.
*
you almost can't breathe when he's this close.
when he's looking at you with brown eyes, with that smile that really shouldn't be allowed--especially not anymore, especially not here--but that he uses anyway.
you almost can't think at all because peter's got this hold on you, he's got a hand that's reaching out to touch you and you want to lean in.
you can't kiss him.
this is a strict rule. this idea is coated in stone, dried into the ground, and written on every surface in the room.
you can't kiss peter because that isn't a part of your relationship anymore. because you've tried to put this distance between the two of you and you'll be dammed if you let his stupid face and his stupid voice ruin it.
you're not weak, really, peter is just incredibly strong.
you like his friendship. you enjoy laughing with him, and pressureless commitments, cuddling on the couch and pretending that it means nothing.
you like this boundary that you've put between your bodies. this gaze of contentment you've fired onto your skin.
but you miss peter.
but you find him sort of addictive in this really crazy, really annoying way.
and you want to kiss him.
maybe that's why you falter. maybe that's why you've let him get this close.
"peter," you whisper, as a grounding technique.
he's smiling and you don't know how.
"yeah?"
you close your eyes. you take a moment to breathe him in, to familiarize yourself with being this close to another human being again. to wanting someone as much as you want him.
"we can't--" you choke out, held back by desire. you keep your eyes closed. "we can't do this."
"hey,"
his hand is on your face.
his voice is right there and you can feel his breath on your cheek.
"look at me," peter says, softly. he pleads with you in a language that you can't understand.
shows you colors that you can't fathom.
you do. you listen oh so willingly.
"it's okay," peter smiles. "if you don't want to," he says, shaking his head and telling you to move away without actually saying it. "but..."
but i love you, you think. but i've missed you. but i want you.
but this was a mistake.
your lip quivers. your eyes trail down his face.
you can feel his skin against yours.
you can feel his heart beating, and wonder how you've managed to get it back. how you've gotten to this point.
but your eyes close once more.
you lean in because there's nothing to push you back.
and you kiss peter, not for the first time.
you feel your heart twitch in his hands, awake.
*
it shouldn't feel any different, the second time.
you should be used to this pain by now, somehow desensitized to all of it.
but you're not.
and he certainly isn't.
"peter," you say, face falling.
he has struck you all at once. a punch to your chest, a slap to your face. he has tripped you, pushed you to the ground, and taken away any lung capacity you had left.
but he's not smiling. there's no malice on his face. no sort of enjoyment out of this.
out of the tears that have already fallen. already announced this lingering to both of you.
in fact, peter looks slightly pained. brows pulled together, strong frown on his face. his eyes flicker from every inch of your face like he's trying to look for an opening.
"i'm sorry," he says, and you don't want to believe him.
you want to let him be the villain. you want this clarification to fix any hint of surprise you feel. if peter is the cruel one, then you can feel lucky, at least, you can tell yourself that you've avoided something bad.
but there's sincerity in his voice. there's guilt lathered onto his face--you're worried that he might suffocate.
"what do you mean, peter?" you ask, softly. "what--what happened?"
peter's jaw twitches. he looks away from you. "you told me that i couldn't change, before," peter starts. he steps down from his pedestal. he holds your hands in his and looks you right in the eyes.
the tears trail down your face, anger and agony taking over.
"but you were wrong."
"peter," you sob, a bit desperate, reckless, and hurt and trying not to look at him or comprehend any of this.
you'd noticed a change. you had. these past couple of weeks. a slight sullen grey to peter's skin, despite the sun. anxiety in his laughter, despite your jokes.
and it's felt different to kiss him.
"i'm so sorry," he says, like a break in thought. like he's reading a script and has decided to improvise. "i have changed. and--and i can't pretend that it's a good change."
you want to ask why, how, what and where, and how to fix this.
how to not let him go this time.
because it's proved futile in the past. it's been proven that you don't do well with distance, that desperation overcomes any sense of relief that rests when you've taken the space from peter.
why and why and why.
"i love you," peter says, reciting some scripture that you've not yet read. "i love you and i don't want to put you through this. you don't deserve a boyfriend that can't be there for you. that can't love you like you deserve."
what cost, though? how much are you willing to give up?
"peter," you say, you shake your head and lean toward him, pleading. "it's okay. i can--i don't mind. i can be there for you. i can give you space, or help you work through whatever--"
"y/n," peter sighs. he looks disappointed.
you breathe in, harshly. "i'll figure it out. we can figure it out," you say, "i just--i don't want to lose you."
your voice breaks.
"i can't do this again," you say. "you don't... i can't--"
you can't breathe. you can't let him steal this part away from you again.
because you know you'll survive, but you're not sure that you'll live.
that you can when he's locked away your heart and you've crowded in an empty closet, waiting to come out.
and this hurts more, somehow. it hurts worse when you already know what it felt like before.
grief isn't a linear pattern. it doesn't leave just because you've gone through it once before.
"hey," peter says, he grabs your face softly and wipes the tears from your cheek. but they keep coming, just to scare him, you think. "it'll be okay. i'm not leaving."
you shake your head. you want to pull away from his grasp but you can't let yourself.
"please, peter," you beg. "please don't. please, just--we'll work it out. we can--we can--" you gasp for a breath of air, you try and find an answer in his brown eyes.
his face is a reflection of yours.
"you're not going to lose me," peter says. "it doesn't have to be like last time."
he tilts his forehead against yours, trying to get you to regulate your breathing.
"we'll be friends," he says. "we'll hang out, and eat lunch, and sleep over at each other's houses."
you sob again, chest burning with an anger that he doesn't deserve.
"i just can't let myself hurt you, again."
"peter."
you can't tell him that this hurts more.
that you know what it felt like for him, before.
that you've lost this fight already but that doesn't mean that you want to give up. that you feel like you can.
your body shakes, withdrawing from his love already. suffering from this addiction that you'd tried to avoid.
"it'll be okay," he says, already breaking his promise. "we'll figure it out."
you sob into his chest.
you break, only just fortunate enough when he's there to pick up the pieces.
*
"oh, hey peter."
you do not run into him. you do not accidentally stare at his lips for fifteen seconds too long.
and you do not almost hold his hand out of habit.
peter smirks, eyebrows raised. "what're you doing?"
"i just--" you point somewhere behind you. "i just got out of class."
somehow his smile widens.
"i was going to go to get lunch," you tell him, clearing your throat and absolutely avoiding his eyes. "it's lunchtime."
"i know," peter says, hopefully amused and not picking up on your nervous energy. "where are you going?"
you pause, looking towards the people that you wish you were right now. "oh, i haven't--haven't really decided. just around. i'm not, like, super hungry or..."
"can i come?"
you feel slightly blind-sighted.
not that you hadn't believed him when he said that you could still be friends. not that anything he's done--like held you while you cried and walked you home and tucked you into bed because you were so goddamn tired--proves otherwise.
but you've missed a couple days of school.
you've missed a couple of days of loving peter.
and this is a bit too fast. this is a revision to a year ago. to just friendship and nothing else.
and the lying, of course. and the yearning and pushing feelings away because they only seem to stop you from achieving anything real.
it doesn't matter.
peter is here now. he's your friend.
"of--of course," you say. "i'd like that."
peter's eyes are crinkled. you're not looking.
"okay."
"okay," you whisper.
and he begins to walk with you.
*
you can't even be frustrated with him.
six months later, a list of friendship ideals you've written down and plastered onto your skin--as a safety precaution.
you really shouldn't blame peter when he looks at you like that.
when he says something with his eyes that you're pretty sure he's never said with his voice.
he's your friend, you think. he's just a boy that you've been in love with for three years, and an ex-boyfriend that you've forgotten completely.
but never quite got over.
peter smiles at you, hand trailing up your skin. he's messing with the bracelet around your wrist.
"i disagree," you say, keeping a steady smile on your face.
it's only partially painful.
"you haven't even tried it."
"why would anyone try that?" you ask, a bit disgusted.
"i already told you--" you roll your eyes at him. "it was early in the morning and i was distracted."
"and you accidentally tried oreos dipped in orange juice."
"yes."
"and it's the best discovery you've ever made?"
peter smirks, staring at you. "well. i wouldn't say best."
"yeah..." you look away from him, flustered and a bit angry. "i'm still not trying it."
"don't you trust me?" peter asks.
"not really, no."
he holds a hand to his chest, hurt. "i've been nothing but honest with you."
"and a liar, very occasionally."
he laughs. he moves your wrist so that your palm is up. he traces the lines on your hands.
"what're you doing, peter?" you whisper, hoping to be quiet enough that he can't hear.
but he can, because he always does.
"nothing," he says.
and you both know that it's a lie.
you both know that there's something about the way he's looking at you.
some tip of adoration, some infrequent idea of reality.
his eyes are brown and his teeth are white and you are certainly insane.
and hurt, because peter shouldn't be allowed to do this anymore.
you've been careful with the physical touch. with how many smiles you receive from him.
with the words you say and the things you think and how close you get to him at any moment.
but peter is reckless. he is a coward, dressed in the clothes of a superhero.
you clear your throat. "peter," you scold, sitting up and rubbing your arms--rubbing the feeling of his fingertips off of you. you stare at the wall, trying to keep your breathing even.
this hasn't affected you whatsoever.
"you okay?" peter asks.
"i'm--" you swallow. he's put another hand on your forearm, this time out of concern rather than malice. "i'm fine."
and you are.
"hey," peter says, sitting up with you, a mere inch away. "you're shaking."
"it's just cold."
he leans forward, trying to catch your eyes.
but you refuse. you don't give him the opportunity, looking up to the ceiling and down to the floor and every available surface.
peter says something you can't hear. and within a moment he's tilting your chin towards him with a finger, concerned eyes meeting yours.
his brows are furrowed.
"what's going on?" he asks.
you shake your head. "nothing, peter."
you bite your lip, take a deep breath and push this feeling so far that it should fall off of this bed and onto the floor.
you don't care, so long as it's gone.
so long as you stop doing this. stop feeling this way.
your face contorts. your body argues, refusing to let this go. refusing to look away from peter.
just his skin is enough to make you crave more.
and before you can stop, or think, or consider how unfair all of this is--tears flood your eyes.
they are unwanted and ridiculous and they still manage to take over.
"woah," peter says, shakily. he pulls you in closer like he's looking further. "what happened?" he asks, softly. "you can talk to me."
"nothing, peter," you say, desperate for him to let this go. "it's nothing."
"you're crying."
"i'm--i'm not crying. i'm just... must be hormones or something, i don't know."
peter is frowning. "don't lie."
"i'm not, peter," you laugh, sniffling. "really. it's fine. i’m fine."
you look at him, attempting to smile.
to see him as a mere friend. as he's supposed to be.
fate has proven that if nothing else.
peter wipes a tear away. his thumb rubs up and down your cheek. "i know you," he says, "and i know when you're lying. i might be able to help," he insists, "just talk to me, sweetheart."
you look at him.
you catch warmth and love and you throw it away, you swear that it's not worth it for this.
you laugh and push his hands away. you use your legs to push you back, to get you as far away from peter as you can. "no," you tell him. "please, just stop."
peter is confused. he is conflicted and concerned and he's just looking at you, he's not frustrated or angry.
he's not doing this to hurt you, you know.
"stop what?" he asks.
"stop being sweet and stop touching me," you gasp, almost pleading, almost demanding. "and please stop looking at me like that."
your heart has run right into his arms. it taunts you.
it laughs at you and superglues itself to peter's skin.
he remains unaware.
"what?"
"i can't do this," you say, maybe to him, maybe to yourself. "i've gotta go. i can't--" you get up. you rub your eyes and start looking for your shoes on the floor. start looking for any dignity you've left behind.
"y/n, wait--"
you walk towards the door thinking that shoes might not be all that important.
but peter is there. he's always there.
"what's going on?" he asks. "will you please tell me?"
"peter," you sigh, angry at yourself and him and the universe which allowed all of this to happen. "i just..."
"i'm not going to let you leave when you're crying," peter says, a bit frustrated. running a hand through his hair and looking at you with more care than you can take right now. "i'll listen, whatever it is. i won't laugh."
you squeeze your eyes shut, thinking that this might be a dream or some strange figment of your imagination.
you shake your head.
you'd like peter to kiss you right about now. you'd like him to take everything back.
to erase the past year.
something familiar crawls up your throat. it makes itself at home in the pit of your mouth.
"peter," you say, leaning into him unconsciously. his hands are on you. his eyes are on yours.
you're looking at him because you can't look at anything else.
and he makes you want to tell him. he makes you want to spill everything out until you drown the both of you.
but you shake your head. "i can't do this," you say, again and again. "i can't be here with you and pretend that i'm not--"
you stop.
calculate the spin of the earth and how far you need to walk to disappear.
peter brushes some hair out of your eyes. he waits patiently for you to speak because he is trying to kill you.
his hands are warm. his strength is almost unbeatable.
maybe that's why you say it.
maybe you should be used to this pain by now, somehow desensitized to all of it.
maybe you shouldn't be here.
maybe that’s why you think that this time. just maybe, you consider it. maybe this time it’ll work.
it’s different somehow, you swear. you are not the same person and peter is not the same and this time, you’ll do better.
you’ll try harder and love him more and maybe this time you’ll both be fine.
you can allow him to keep your heart, if only he’ll allow you to have his.
"i love you," you whisper to him, voice infracted by every ounce of fear you can't carry in your body. "i'm sorry."
and peter stands there.
he's waiting for something, like a sign.
you're waiting to break one last time. waiting for him to walk out of there with more than your heart. you’re waiting for rejection and anger and every single thing you’ve targeted at yourself.
this is your fault, you know. whatever pain is coming your way.
but peter breathes right in front of you.
you can feel it when he smiles.
when he leans forward, certain now.
maybe this time, he says.
*
my masterlist here.
tags:@moonlarking-blog @v1ci0us @preciousbabypeter @alexxavicry @directioner5life @inthegetawaycarwithtaylah @localrockstargf @thestudiouswanderer @take-my-hand-time-boy @thoughtsofagodlovingsunflower @nyomjoon @moo-b1tch @raindropstearsandtea @rqmanoff @hollandweather @wetcoldnoodle @urlocalavenderhazestan @valvlry @imthatcoolmom
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