#i havent seen him this happy in forever I Sure Hope Nothing Goes Wrong

[nitw]

[crimsonophelia]

hello basil!!! i’m the anon that sent the original request of reader being a big dumb dumb and accidentally mailing their love letters to childe in liyue—i personally just wanted to tell you that i absolutely LOVED what you wrote and that i’m so happy and grateful you did my request justice. keep up the good work!!!

if you wouldn’t mind, could i request for a hurt/comfort angst with kaeya and a gn reader? the reader is a fellow knight of favonius that regularly gets dunked on by their friends for their crush on the cavalry captain—but every time their friends insist they confess to him, they joke that “sure, i’ll tell him when i die.” and then they actually nearly die.

while on a mission with kaeya, something terrible happens that seemingly pushes the reader to the brink of death. they’re in his arms and convinced they’re about to die, so with their “dying” breath, they tell kaeya that they’re in love with him before the world goes black.

but then they wake up. 👁 (you know the drill—what happens next is completely up to you!!!)

featuring: kaeya x gn!reader

warnings: good ol' angst, some descriptions of blood, lots of typos lol

published: may 27, 2021

form: imagine

a/n: hi anon!! i'm glad you liked that imagine www and thank you for sending me ideas again! you know how much i love angst and kaeya lol~ also please forgive me for making it so long, i tried to challenge my writing abilities a bit more.

You came into this mission knowing that it would be quite a bit more difficult than the ones you typically took on. You were merely a B-rank knight, working on your certification to reach A-rank status, which definitely was not an easy feat. Yet the open commission to investigate a newly-uncovered set of ruins in Dadaupa Gorge was requiring one more member of the dual-member expedition team. When you saw who had occupied the first position for the mission, you threw caution to the wind and signed your name for position two, despite the mission being ranked A-level, at the very least. The occupied position? Filled by none other than Kaeya Alberich, captain of the Knights of Favonius cavalry, S-rank soldier and swordsman, and your former mentor. Who also happened to be the man you had hopelessly fallen for. 

The mission was assigned by the headquarters of the Knights, specifically for fully-trained Knights only, as the nature of the mission would be too dangerous for your run-of-the-mill adventurer team, and the Knights did not want to be held accountable for any potential casualties or injuries as a result of a mission gone wrong. You and Kaeya had been assigned to go investigate a newly-uncovered set of ruins in the Whispering Woods, supposedly already showing signs of being an Abyss rendezvous point. Apparently, the team of archaeologists who uncovered the ancient rocks from behind a thicket of trees had had many difficulties even making it back to the city of Mondstadt alive. You were frightened, no doubt about it, but you also knew that this was your chance. Your chance to prove yourself and your capability as a knight. Back in your training days before you took the certification exam to become a knight, you were Kaeya’s favorite pupil, a star student. Also possessing a Cryo vision, like the captain himself, certainly did not hurt your reputation in his eyes. Now, having taken on and excelled at countless dangerous B-rank missions, you felt confident in your ability to take on a mere A-rank mission, especially with the captain of the cavalry at your side. 

You had almost forgotten about the icy presence at your side, lost in your own daydreams of ambition. After following the paths leading out of Mondstadt, weapons and supplies ready at hand, you and Kaeya had finally made it to the edge of the Whispering Woods. It was starting to get dark, even though the two of you had left reasonably early in the day. The woods seemed so much more vast when their shadows grew longer, waning by the last seams of daylight. Faint howling moaned through the leaves (”Wolves? In the Whispering Woods?”, you thought to yourself), and you felt yourself tremble in the slightest. You couldn’t tell if it was due to the fear or the overwhelmingly strong Cryo aura that Kaeya emitted.

The tall man seemed unaffected by the ominous surrounding, forever carrying himself with an unwavering assuredness. He looked onwards, into the woods, eyes darting back and forth, exhibiting the remarkable surveying skills of a seasoned knight. 

“Well, [y/n]”, Kaeya turned to you, with that smug yet rather comforting voice of his. “Are you ready?”

Kaeya’s unshakeable confidence was rather spiriting, you had to admit. Nothing like traipsing into a wild forest, overrun with archons-know-what, with only your own wits and a cunning, distractingly handsome knight to guide you. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be, I suppose”, you replied, trying to hide the rookie anxiety from trembling your voice. Damn it, you weren’t even a rookie. You were one of the more experienced knights in the entire Knights of Favonius. You could handle this. Plus, Kaeya has your back. In all the years you had known him, Kaeya had never dropped that rogue-ish grin off of his delicate countenance--he had the face of a prince, but marred with the implications of his mysterious eyepatch (he had never told you how he had lost that eye) and the pierce of his sly smile. It made him all so painfully attractive. 

You hate to recall the very first day you met him, the two of you only teenagers, barely adults grown into their own skin, yet he stood at the front of the training yard like the prolific swordsman he was, tan skin gleaming beneath the summer sun, hair tied behind his neck, sinewy muscles stretching as he maneuvered the sword in his hand like it was an extension of his own being. That day, you swore that you would become like Kaeya, that you would learn all you possibly could from him. That was also the day you had fallen hopelessly for the charismatic boy, though you were not aware of it just yet. 

Trudging into the forest, you made sure to clutch the weapon at your side a little tighter, wary of any potential threats that could appear in front of you at any moment. You never know how much the Abyss mages could use their magic--they are always using the spirits of Teyvat for evil. Although you had only encountered Abyss mages a small handful of times in your past B-rank missions, you already knew how perilous an interaction with any of them could be. The last time you and a partner engaged with a Pyro mage, you left the site with severe magic burns to your side, which took at least three months to fully heal. Looking at Kaeya, he appeared to be as relaxed as ever, both hands loosely tucked into his pockets, his steps led by his elegant hips. The eerie silence of the woods didn’t seem to bother him at all, a comfortable void between the both of you.

“So, captain”, you begun, doing your best to break the proverbial ice a bit, trying not to let the emptiness of the whole forest get to your head. “How have you been? It’s been a while since we last took an assignment together, I believe. 3 months already, isn’t it?”

Kaeya chuckled. “Oh, drop the formalities, [y/n].” He looked at you with his singular, unobscured eye with a teasing glance. “You’ve always known me as just Kaeya, havent you?”

Blood rushed to your face, although not entirely unwelcome, due to the chilliness of the forest. You hoped that the twilight shadows could hide your red cheeks from the man beside you.

“To answer your question, I am doing exceptionally well, thank you”, he smirked. “Although, the last time I did see you was only about a month ago, at the Windblume Ball. Not sure if you remember it all though—you were rather... intoxicated, it seemed.”

Oh, archons. You didn’t know if your face could possivly get any redder from the embarassment. The Windblume Ball was a month prior, hosted by the Knights for all citizens of Mondstadt to attend, to end the Windblume Festival with a night of wine, music, and dancing. Your group of friends within the Knights convinced you to attend along with them, though they didnt quite succeed at convincing you to finally confess your attraction to the captain of the cavalry himself. You acquiesced only on the condition that you would not have to interact with Kaeya at all that night. The anxiety was simply too much and you did not want to deal with the potential situation of seeing Kaeya in formalwear and absolutely losing your mind, let alone Kaeya seeing you dancing and drinking.

“Oh, come on, [y/n]”, your friends had whined. “If you don’t tell him now, when will you ever? He most definitely finds you attractive, as well.” Chuckling, you took a sip of the wine lrovided by the Dawn Winery. You cringed at the sourness of cheap grapes. “I’ll tell him when I’m dead.” You took another sip of the wine, but over the rim of the glass, you saw the one person you were hell-bent on avoiding.

Kaeya Alberich stood across the room, talking to one of the other knights. He was dressed to the nines, in clothing you had never seen him don before. His hair was parted neatly, his long lovelock secured by a large sapphire band. His lean, upper body was covered by a three piece suit, fitted perfectly around his narrow waist, tailcoat resting neatly by his thick, carved thighs. His pants were pressed tightly, without a wrinkle, and he had brought along his usual white fur cape, giving him the sophisticated look of a king.

In awe, you spluttered in your drink as he caught your eye from across the room, clearly noticing you were staring at him. You turned the other way, seeing that your friends were making fun of your oblivious gawking, and they now excitedly pointed behind you, mouthing the words he’s coming! You tried your best to smooth down your hair and pat down your outfit, before turning back around to see that the captain was standing in front of you, face-to-face, with his hand outstretched.

He looked even more sparklingly glamorous up close, an image of old-world elegance that you never knew him capable of portraying. You suddenly felt more drunk than any cheap wine could possibly make you. Kaeya looked at you, a gleam in his eye, and asked

“May I have this dance, [y/n]?”

The rest of the night was a blur, what with your continued consumption of alcohol, convincing yourself you needed to periodically top up your liquid courage. Kaeya had asked you for a few more dances, as far as you remembered. But from what you could recall, he was just as elegant and charismatic as you had always remembered him to be. He never made you feel out of place.

It was awful that Kaeya only seemed to remember how disgustingly drunk you were, but you were thankful at least that he didn’t seem to recall the perpetual state of flusteredness you were in that night, by his mere presence beside you, and his hands guiding yours as you both danced to the upbeat music of the band.

“Archons, I assure you that I am not the unabashed drunkard I may have seemed to be that night”, you chuckled.

Kaeya let out a hearty laugh, his voice reminding you of the sounds of the bells ringing atop the Cathedral. “Of course not, my dear”, he drawled. “I’ve met many a drunkard in my day—you are far from one; I promise.”

You and Kaeya kept on your way in this manner, making pleasant small talk to fill the silence. You didn’t dare tell him for fear of seeming a coward, but hearing his voice and reminiscing with him diminished the fright you initially felt, entering the woods and taking on this assignment. Kaeya was a master conversationalist, and diplomat too, no doubt, always knowing what to say at what time. His warm remarks and playful banter took your mind off of the imminent danger of your situation, and you didn’t notice the path you were both on narrowing. The sun had already set, and the woods were doused in an eerie darkness, and as you and Kaeya approached the vicinity of the ruins, the thickets grew denser and the tree branches hung lower. Not a sound could be heard--

Until suddenly, Kaeya stepped in front of you, blocking your path with an arm outstretched. Shit. You smelled Abyss magic. How could you have possibly missed the putrid scent of sulfur before? 

Kaeya’s grin had fallen. His attention was now beyond only you, as if trying to detect something he sensed nearby. Out of nowhere, a hum grew, louder, until an earblasting pop rang out in front of you and Kaeya, and in its place were three Pyro Abyss mages. Three. You could handle one, if you had a partner with you, but three? 

Terror ran down your spine, knowing how difficult your Cryo vision could be against a Pyro mage. Your hand unsheathed the sword at your side with blinding speed, just like you were trained, but before you could even take a step forward, Kaeya was already charging at the mages, ice blasting forth from his swordtip, smashing up against the mages’ shields.

“Aren’t ya glad I caught that, [y/n]?” Kaeya teased, sword cutting through the air and the force fields surrounding the mages, as their strained groans pierced the night air. His movements were swift and effortless; at times his movements were so fast that it looked like he teleported from one spot to the next. This was the grace, the beauty of a true prodigy. “If I hadn’t stopped you, we would’ve been roast boar by now!” 

You jumped into action, assisting Kaeya with his assaults against the mages, doing your best to dodge the onslaught of fireballs. You felt the heat of the fire magic graze your extremities more than once, counting your blessings that it was nothing critical. The way the two of you moved in unison, one complementing the other, like an avalanche of piercing ice, was a testament to the years of experience you gained in under Kaeya’s expert tutelage. One sword piercing the left, the other the right, until you both had broken down two of the Pyro mages’ shields. You had never gotten through their force fields in such rapid succession before, you thought, in awe. Swinging your sword calculatedly, whilst utilizing your vision and shooting out ice crystals, you defeated the mage, dealing a killing blow, piercing its side with your sword. You watched the creature groan out gutturally, and eventually dissipate into ash, drifting away. 

Turning around, you noticed that Kaeya had already taken care of the other mage, already breaking down the final one’s shield. He dodged each blast of Pyro magic with grace and ease, not even showing any sign of fatigue. 

“Hey, good work rookie!”, Kaeya teased, activating his ultimate Cryo weapon, sending a halo of ice crystals about his body, knocking into the mage’s shield with every swing.

You huffed. “I’m not a rookie”, you called back, joining him in his siege upon the last enemy. Exhaustion was quickly catching up to you, although you tried to hide it. You couldn’t let Kaeya down. 

Over and over, the pair of you banged upon the force field with your swords, with more difficulty than any of the previous mages. This one was different, somewhat stronger. The grass surrounding the two of you was already lit up in flames, licking at your ankles. If you even so much as tripped, the heat would probably damage you more than a fireball could. 

“Watch out, rookie”, Kaeya yelled in your directions, trying to be heard above the cackling of the mage and the raging flames, already beginning to catch onto the trees nearby. The night was filled with a reddish glow--hellish and suffocating. “I think it’s about to activate it’s ultimate.”

The cackling grew louder, as you worked yourself into a frenzy, shooting more and more ice crystals, trying to break it’s force field. Three, dragon-like heads began to emerge around where the mage floated. Fuck. The fire-breathers were out. You had only ever fought a Pyro mage that could use fire-breathers once before--that also happened to be the instance that caused you to be an invalid for several months, healing from a deep flesh burn. But Kaeya was here this time. Things would be okay, right?

You could tell Kaeya was growing panicked as well, his swings becoming a bit more hurried and erratic. You didn’t know, but he was deathly worried about you. He had no idea how experienced you were with dodging the fire-breathers, and he knew he had to make quick work of the blasted mage before things could escalate, Archons forbid you get hurt. Kaeya activated his ultimate once more, and, finally, the mage’s shield broke. 

You heaved a sigh of relief, closing in on the Pyro mage. Kaeya’s strength and incredible reliability in battle did not fail to impress you, even beyond just the prowess he had demonstrated as a trainee and a mentor. You finally activated your own ultimate, summoning a boulder made of hard ice. Approaching the mage as you saw it struggle to get up off the ground, the ice in your boulder began to form, and you willed it to hurl towards the mage, intending to finish it off. Finally, you would show Kaeya your true strength, your capability. He could depend on you. Hell, you were his star student. Even if you were afraid to tell him about how he had stolen your heart, you could at least show him that the time and effort he had dedicated to you wasn’t for naught. 

The seconds slowed down, as the blinding white ice made its way through the air, aimed straight at the pathetic mage, groveling in the dirt. But beyond the ice, was something even brighter, not making its way to the mage; no, it was headed straight at you. A fireball. 

You felt an excruciating pain on your left side, right below your ribcage. A scream in the distance--the mage? No; it was Kaeya’s voice. The white-hot pain blinded you, as you felt your back make contact with the hard ground beneath you. Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Archons, what will Kaeya think? 

Vaguely willing your arm to press into your side to assess the damage, you felt warm, sticky liquid pooling on your waist. Lifting a hand, you saw it drenched in crimson blood, dark in the moonlight. You heard another scream again nearby, this time coming from the guttural squeaks you knew was the mage, the dying cries of a pitiful monster. At once, a pair of arms lifted you from the ground, supporting your head. What a damned disappointment you were. 

“[y/n]! [Y/N]! DAMMIT!” You had never heard Kaeya this worked up before. The pain of hearing the panic in his voice was also tinged with a selfish gladness that he cared, that Kaeya Alberich gave a damn if you died. Because, in that moment, you were certain you would die.

Straining out a chuckle, your chest racked up a wet cough, sticky blood now staining the edges of your lips. I’ll tell him when I’m dead, you once said. Well, isn’t this all quite ironic.

“Fucking hell, [y/n], I need you to keep your eyes open”, Kaeya commanded. He was using his captain voice, the one that only comes out when a new recruit wasn’t following orders. “Rookie, don’t you dare pass out on me.” His voice wavered.

Would it be worth it to tell him now? Did you want his last memory of you to be a pathetic, wishful fantasy spilling forth from your bloodstained lips, like the nonsense uttered by a mere child? Your vision spun faster, losing sight of Kaeya, hovering over you. You couldn’t make out his features too clearly in the darkness, but something about the wet drops of water landing on your cheeks told you that it wasnt more blood. You supposed that you should do yourself justice and at least keep the one promise you made that night in Mondstadt.

Straining to open your mouth, you uttered, “Kaeya, I—”

But before you could muster the strength to speak another word, your vision went dark.

*****

The first thing you heard when you woke up was the sound of birds chirping. The second was a silent snoring sound coming from somewhere to your right.

Cracking your weary eyes open, you sensed the faint light of the early morning coming in through an nearby window. Getting your bearings, you realized you had woken up in the Knights of Favonius headquarters hospital. Your damaged adventurer’s clothes were gone, and instead you could feel bandages dressed around the wound at your side. Oh, right. You thought you had died.

Trying to sit up, you fekt an excruciating pain burn through the side of your body that had been hit, setting your nerves on fire. You hissed, and the snoring beside you abruptly stopped.

“Archons, you’re awake.”

Kaeya sat up from the chair he had apparently been sleeping in, still dressed in his captain’s armor, just as dirt-covered and singed as when you last saw him. Was that only last night? You figured Kaeya must have hurried you back to the city before your condition could get any worse.

Fuck. As all your memories of the prior night came flooding back, your eyes pooled up with salty tears. Not only had you cone closest to death than you’ve ever had, you had completely disappointed Kaeya and made a fool of yourself in front of him.

“Kaeya, I’m so sorry—”, you started.

Your words were interrupted by the man next to you leaping into your embrace, arms wrapping your shoulders where you were not injured. “Dammit, [y/n]. When won’t you just shut up.” His voice was muffled by his face buried into your neck. “You don’t have to say a word.”

It scared you, seeing him vulnerable. The ever-cocky and cunning captain of the cavalry, the man who always had a plan and was never caught off-guard. Now, a man bearing his innermost emotions to you, little old you. Had he heard what you begun to tell him last night? Or were things going to return back to the way they were, you admiring his dazzling beauty from a distance, comfortable yet agonized at the degree of separation.

You hoped to the archons for the latter. You hoped that it wouldn’t take another instance where you almost lost your life for the love you felt for him to spill forth. Archons, even if you had to die, it would still all be worth it, if it were with him at your side.

Kaeya trembled as he pressed himself deeper into you, desperately clinging on. “Don’t you dare open your mouth, rookie”, he chided. “I don’t want to hear something you’ll only tell me when you’re almost gone. Please just let me do the talking.”

Pulling back, you looked at him in confusion. His hair was disheveled, eyepatch slightly askew, yet his face was full of an almost childlike wonder, akin to the gleam he possessed when you had first met him, however many years ago.

“Do you think I did it all for nothing?” Kaeya looked at you. “Do you think all those years of training together, eating together, soarring together, was all because I thought you had potential as a soldier? The private walks through Windrise, the nights spent at the tavern, the dance, that damned dance we shared—what did you think that was?” Desperate and exhausted, Kaeya’s eye began to shimmer with tears. “Fucking hell, [y/n]. I’ve always loved you. Since the very beginning, you idiot. Why else would I dedicate all my time, all my energy to you and only you?” He grasped your shoulders tighter. “If you think that I haven’t been madly in love with you since I first laid eyes upon you that day, then you’re fucking wrong.”

You cut him off, burying your hands into his hair—pain be damned—and kissed him. It was bitter and metallic, the taste of both of your blood on your tongue. Kaeya’s neck was ice cold, but his cracked lips were thick and warm, and when you pulled away from them, you suddenly felt like you could take on the world.

“Well”, you remarked. “I’m glad that we got that out of the way.”

a/n: uhuhuhu this is pretty long but i hope you like it! i wanted to improve my writing a bit and elaborate on descriptions a bit more, so i hope i did your request justice!

[nyxtalksmusic]

All Hail West Texas + Letters;

alternatively titled: Its all Jeff + Cyrus, babey!!!

every theory ive seen so far throws out Jeff + Cyrus after their named track, but i found the little we know so compelling i wanted to do better.

Throughout ahwt many letters are written, many messages are left, and it all starts with Jeff.

I wrote them a happy ending.

1- The Best Ever Death Metal Band in Denton

And this was why Jeff In the letters he'd write to his friend Helped develop a plan to get even

In which we establish our main characters. An obvious place to start, definitely, but no less important. Cyrus is sent away somewhere, probably to the mentioned treatment facility for adolescent boys from the cover. i personally imagine it as a religious or military based facility, somewhere very strict. i wonder if cyrus ever got Jeffs letters.

an important personal note: i always miss heard the line as "will in time both have peace and outlive you" and i think that plays a lot into the story i have told for them. i want them to find peace, with each other.

2- Color in Your Cheeks

But five minutes looking in his eyes And we all knew he was broken pretty bad

Maybe one of my weaker connections, but a nice segway into the second arc of our boy's lives. While i don't necessarily think Cyrus is the man described in Colour In Your Cheeks, the description almost fits. many people pass through the house, whos to say one is not a runaway from a treatment facility, broken and lost, unable to return home.

3- Distant Stations

I waited for you But I never told you where I was It was you who taught me how To write these kinds of equations

The song that inspired all this. The second i heard this I was picturing Cyrus: the hoping, praying for someone to come and find you, rescue you from all this, but the fear of someone else coming instead. Cyrus can keep writing letters to Jeff, telling him that he's free, but what if the letters are being intercepted? he can't include a return address, he could be locked back up, but that never stops the child-like hope that Jeff will find him anyway.

Also, the rock is a guitar pick, obviously.

4- Source Decay

And I park in an alley And I read through the postcards you continue to send Where as indirectly as you can, you ask what I remember

Jeff can't wait around for Cyrus forever. They aren't kids anymore, he has to move on. But that won't stop him keeping the same P.O box so he can still receive the post Cyrus sends, won't stop him searching for clues. It won't stop every letter, every dead end, from killing him.

He will move on with his life, but he wont forget.

5- Answering the Phone

I'm gonna tell you once; you oughta listen If you came here for comfort, you came to the wrong place

Maybe not a letter, but a message at last.

Time has passed, they have grown up. Jeff keeps the same post office box, the same number, the same everything. Cyrus runs, and runs, and runs. Something changes. Maybe he knows he cant be touched anymore, maybe he's just tired.

The phone call isnt nice by any means, but that doesnt matter. Nothing else matters, because its Cyrus, and maybe Jeff hasnt moved on as much as he thought.

6- Midland

Stay 'till the world goes down in flames I've got room, room in my house for you

Maybe its good not to have moved on, to still care about a person you havent seen in years. To open the door and offer a safe place to recover with no ulterior motives. It doesn't matter what you say, i will still be here, i will not judge, you will be safe.

Maybe the best ever death metal band out of Denton never was, but theres still a future waiting for Jeff + Cyrus.

7- Absolute Lithops Effect

And I feel sure that my wounds will heal And I will bloom here in my room

A final sign off. Moving in with Jeff wont fix everything for Cyrus, and what it will fix will take time. But if you hold on, if you wait, if you have someone who cares for you helping you along, it can get better.

Bonus: Jeff Davis County Blues

Polaroids of the two of us Scattered on the passenger seat I drive slowly and evenly And I dream about home

I see this fitting into my narrative two ways. Neither has any basis in the lyrics, i just think it fits nice on the playlist, mostly.

I either read this as Jeff, having left highschool, having grown up, gotten in some trouble, deciding to give it all up and come back to a family members house, get his life back on track. maybe he's finally fixing things but he cannot help but look back.

alternatively, i see Cyrus, after everything, coming home to Jeff. In this narrative id place this after answering the phone. Cyrus knows he cant stay running forever, that its been too long for anyone to do anything about him now, hes called jeff and yelled and yet still, he is inviting him in.

I couldnt quite fit the narrative as neatly into this as with other tracks but i think theres sections that lean either way. The references to Midland are nice, too.

[bxthharmon]

Through the Ages || JJ Maybank x Routledge!Reader

Words: 1870

Warnings: Super toxic relationship, underage drinking, smoking, weed

Summary: The development of your relationship with JJ, from when your first met aged eight to adult life, MAJOR ANGST

A/N: okay i know i havent written anything in WEEKS but im watching obx and im obsessed... i really wasn’t expecting this to take such a dark turn?? contact me if you wanna request anything or make friends :)

masterlist

8 years

You’re eight and when you meet John in front of the school to walk home, he has a friend. You know your brother’s friends - most of them, at least - but this boy is new. He is tanned and blonde and tall for his age, and a girl in your class had told you about how he’s always getting into small playground scraps. You eye each other warily on the way home, your brother between you, oblivious to the hostility. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t like him - how could you dislike someone you knew nothing about? - it was that John had promised to stop bringing his friends on the way home, because he would end up ignoring you, and now there was a friend walking with them. 

When the boy finally leaves, John looks at you as if he forgot you were there. You watch as the boy goes through the front door, catching a glimpse of a dark, cluttered house. You wonder where his parents are. 

John coaxes you into a race - who can get home first - and he wins. He always wins. A year older, stronger, faster. Your dad greets you, asking about your days, and laughing as you complain about how John ignored you on the way home.

The next week, the boy walks with you again. His name is JJ, and he’s funny. He gives you a twinkie as a peace offering, saying that he wants to walk with you and John from now on. You shrugged, and took the twinkie, telling him it was for the food, and only the food.

11 years

You’re eleven, in your first year of middle school, and you and John ride home from school everyday on your bikes. On the days when you’re not surfing or hanging out with friends, you cycle home with John, JJ and a new member of the gang, Pope. You and JJ, while still at a twinkie-incited truce, are growing more competitive and show-offish around each other. You race your bikes to his, and if you stop at the corner store on the way home, you see who can chug their cola faster. John fights with you when you get home because they’re “his friends, not yours!”

You have your own friends, and sometimes you cross with your brother’s friends in town, sass thrown between the groups like a tennis rally, the twinkie-truce fading into the past. You can’t stand the tall blonde surfer, but you can’t wait to argue with him on your way home from school.

14 years

You’re fourteen, and after a year long break from your brother’s friends, you’re, once again, at the same school. You’ve changed, filled out more over the last year, puberty having hit you like a tonne of bricks since you last hung out. The three pogues now have one female friend, Kiara, and you become fast friends. You can tell your brother has a thing for her, and you wonder if he’ll ever bring her home to meet your dad. 

JJ sees you differently now. You seem less like the eight year old he met six years ago, but you’re still very much yourself. He pulls your ponytail as you pass him in the hallways at school, and you flip him off in return. You sometimes go to the same parties, and your drinking races have switched from cola to beer. John hates you being at parties, claiming your too young to drink or party, as if he wasn’t the year before. John can see how JJ looks at you, and he hates it. He hates seeing how guys look at you now, how they flirt, hit on and catcall his baby sister. He also hates how in your efforts to compete with JJ, you get into fights and run your mouth. He hates how JJ shows off around you, and vice versa. 

Despite his frustrations with JJ, he’s also the only guy who’ll stand up for you when you or John can’t do it yourselves. He hopes you don’t grow up too quickly, and he knows that his friends will always have your back, so he’s not worried. 

15 years

You’re fifteen, and you go to a kegger for the first time. You get drunk quickly, flirting with too many guys and giggling at every little thing. You share a blunt with JJ, and the pair of you practically piss yourselves with laughter when John tries to reprimand you. The night is fun, and you can’t wait for the next one. 

The next one is much worse. You’re one or two drinks in when you see JJ flirting with a touron. In retrospect, that’s probably when you first noticed your feelings, but at the time you have no idea why you’re so angry about it. By the end of the night, you’ve had half a bottle of vodka and two spliffs, and you’re way far gone. You might even have blacked out - but all you remember is the pure rage, and how you spent ten minutes throwing up by the front porch when you got home. 

You saw JJ the next day, and you’re both hungover. He checks on you, and neither of you really understand why you’re so cold towards him, but he leaves pretty quickly.

You cry that night.

16 years

You’re sixteen, and your dad is missing. You lost all your friends when you fell into a depression after it. Nine months later, and you feel happy again. You’re the final member of pogue crew, and you spend the summer surfing and swimming and settle into the routine of summer. You surf first thing in the morning, as dawn breaks, often with JJ, competing over who’s a better surfer (he is). You spend your afternoons on the HMS Pogue, competing with JJ over who’s the better swimmer (you are). The group of you drink and smoke and live your best lives. On the days where you’re not on the boat, you work. 

You know you love JJ, and you flirt constantly. He kisses you at a kegger, barely twenty minutes before he pulls the gun on Topper. You have your first serious argument that night, and it ends with him kissing you.

You wear your heart on your sleeve, and assure him you love him. He doesn’t say it back, but he shows it. You learn about his Dad and his work and how he learnt to surf. You sneak around, and, miraculously, don’t get caught. 

16 ½ years

You’re sixteen and a half when John and Sarah go missing. Kie and Pope try to help, but you don’t pay them any attention. You and JJ struggle, with yourselves, each other, and your relationship. You’re on the rocks, you’re up against the wall. You don’t think you’ll last, and you fight constantly.

Your relationship is toxic, taking your own angers out on each other, fighting and screaming in each others faces only to make up for a honeymoon period that lasts a week, max, and the cycle repeats. You’re both miserable. 

17 years

You’re seventeen, and he breaks up with you. You were too alike - both too impulsive, angry, broken for it to ever work. You apply to out-of state colleges, hoping to escape the islands you used to love.

You wait for an acceptance letter, and watch as the people you call family try to rebuild their lives.

18 years

You’re eighteen, and you get the letter. UCLA, on the other side of the country. You say your goodbyes to Kie and Pope, and eventually, JJ.

He looks broken, when you tell him. He asks you what you’d do if John came back and you weren’t around, but you had resigned yourself to John’s death long ago. You fight one last time. You fuck one last time. You love one last time.

You wonder if you’ll ever return.

22 years

You’re twenty two, and you’ve got a degree. You fly home the day after graduation, and everything has changed.

Kie runs the Wreck now, and she gives you a free meal and you talk for hours when you first arrive. She invited you to her and Pope’s place. 

They have a nice place. Not on Figure Eight, but on that side of the island - Pope’s got a high earning job in marine biology research. They’re happy.

You smoke a blunt with Pope, for old time’s sake. He tells you to see JJ, and gives you a slip of paper with the address. You don’t know if you want to throw it into the ocean or treasure it forever. You do neither.

It takes you a week to psych yourself up to it, and then you knock on his door.

His house is small, but not tiny, not like his childhood home. He welcomes you in, a light in his eyes you hadn’t seen in years. He sits you down at the dinner table, and you take in the pictures on the mantel shelf, and the mementos stuck to the fridge. 

You see the ring on his finger.

You enter a state of stasis. You were sure he was it for you, but the circumstances were wrong and you were too immature. Right person, wrong time, or something along those lines. No, apparently not. He moved on, he built a life without you, a happier, healthier life.

His wife is lovely, everything you’re not. She’s patient and kind and soft-spoken, the opposite to him, bringing balance. She stabilises him, and gives him what he needs.

You think of how you would argue with him, the screaming, shouting, throwing plates and vases. Your love was so naive, but so passionate. Everything that happened while you were together, everything that went wrong, happened because your tempers and stubborn natures and impulsivity was destructive.

You fly back to California a week later. 

You sit on the plane and reminisce. The night you and JJ broke up, the house got wrecked. You had been standing inches apart, but screaming at the top of your lungs. You had lost your temper and overturned a table, smashing all the crockery left on it. He had thrown a vase at the wall, and you had fought until your voices broke and you were too tired and sore to keep throwing shit at walls and each other. You had sat next to each other, leaning on the wall by the front door, an uncharacteristic calm washing over you. 

You had looked at him, heart aching, and told him that you needed to split up. He had nodded, and eventually, the pair of you had drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a world where you could be together without all the hate in the way.

When you woke up in the morning, he was gone, but the mess had stayed. You had had to tiptoe over thousands of shards of broken crockery and glass to get to your room, a reminder of how you were destined to self-destruct. 

You watched out the window as the plane landed, and vowed never to return again. 

Outer Banks was no longer your home.

[ladybugsfanfics]

Worth The Wait | Tom Hiddleston x Indian!reader

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x Indian!reader

Style: One Shot

WC: 2.6k

Warnings: uhh, curse words, i dont thinkt there is anything in this??

Summary:  @thelowkeydetective said: “Hey, I wanted to request a soulmate au (with Hiddleston) and take your time, no hurry:if you're on separate time zones, when you sleep, you see the world in the eyes of your soulmate at present and when they look into a reflective surface/mirror the image is blurred. Hope you got which one.  I'm sorry for bugging you again but maybe you could make that one shot I requested to be Tom Hiddleston x Indian reader( that way you can get the time difference too and I'm Indian). Thank you😄” - soulmate au post also, to help the story i added another of the aus  “Because the universe is sadistic af, it only gave you the first letter of your soulmate’s name.”

A/N: this was so much fun to write and I hope i did good. I havent specified that anything about the reader so you can imagine being anything only you live in Chennai, India (it works so well since Tom’s older sister lives there). Thank you so much for the request and so sorry it took so long ^_^ italics are the dream she has btw

if you want to be added to my taglist, please send an ask ^_^  | requests are open, too.

Drying your hands after washing your face, your thumb swipes over the tattoo on your left wrist. The T stares at you, has your heart fall a little as the rope that holds it in place slowly rips―how much is left of that rope, you’re not sure. 

The tattoo appeared when you were 18. All over the world, people wake up to a new tattoo on their 18th birthday, except, most people get the whole name (the first name), and you woke up to only a stupid letter. When you turned twenty, that’s when the probability of finding your soulmate comes. If soulmates are on different time zones, you see their daily life when you sleep. 

For most, this never happens and is only something people use to test that they’ve found the right person. Most of your friends have gone on trips just to make sure the person they met is actually the person they’re meant to be with. 

You’re not one of the lucky. You’re one of the unlucky who has had dreams of their soulmate’s lives since the day you turned twenty. It has been a quiet ride so far, seeing as it’s impossible for you to find out who he is―the dude travels so much you can’t pinpoint where in the world he is from.  A lot of the time, you see manuscripts though, late night readings―Shakespeare seems to be a favorite. 

It doesn’t help that your parents want you to get married, have children and have been talking about this forever. Since you were twenty-five (about eight years), they’ve been going on about forgetting your soulmate and finding someone eligible in India, in Chennai. But you can’t find anyone you get along with, and believe it, they’ve tried hard. 

The T prompts a deep sigh, knowing if you don’t meet him, you will end up spending the rest of your life alone. Through the years you’ve seen him, you’ve noticed things, picked up on habits he has. Also, from time to time, when you believe he dreams, you’ve left notes, tried to speak with him. 

And he replied.

Steadily, you’ve been having a conversation. You still don’t know his name, or where he is from, because you’re afraid to ask certain questions. The first question was a boring yet sweet, how are you? To which he replied, fine, and you?

It became more prying after a while, but it’s only been going on for a year and it isn’t always easy knowing if he’s gotten your messages or not. Though he seems to have figured out when his will reach you. 

With a harsh scrub at the T, which does nothing but redden your skin, you let go of the hand towel. One final look in the mirror. Tired eyes look back at you. You sigh once more and get out of the bathroom. In your bedroom, you get into bed and pull the blanket completely over your head, hoping slumber takes you easily and that maybe, just maybe, you get a new message. 

People are everywhere, filing to and fro in every direction. They lug suitcases after them. Children screams at their parents. The woman who accepts the passport smiles warmly, raven-black hair tied into a ponytail that waves as she moves her head. She hands the passport back, with a tucked in boarding pass and reaches to tie a piece of paper around the handle of the suitcase. Her mouth moves, showing of a set of white teeth. 

Moving, the gaze lands on the boarding pass. It covers the passport, hiding away any information on it. But the pass says it all. From Heathrow to Chennai International Airport. The passport closes shut and is filed into a pocket as the moving stops. 

The security check is lined with people. The long line goes easily forward, stopping only a few minutes every now and then. Long, slender fingers grabs a gray box and pulls out some belongings. A belt, phone and keys land in one corner. So does a wristwatch. A black backpack gets its own box. The line through isn’t long. Green tells to go through. The security people smile and nod, and gestures to keep going. 

Big hands grab the backpack and puts away the other belongings. People everywhere, walking past in a slow tempo. The big screen that tells the gates shows the gate for the flight to Chennai. Increased tempo. 

By the gate, there are few free seats. There is one by the corner. From the backpack, slender fingers drag out a book and a notebook.  A pen sits in the spine. Opening the notebook, pages file past with previous notes. Scrambling a date in uneligible handwriting, and then, in block letters, where are you from? The gaze lies there for a full minute, and the book closes, the pen reattached to the spine. And the other book opens, a bookmark placed at the back and a hand holding it by the spine as the other scrolls to the next page. 

---

Are you allowed to freak out? Are you allowed to keep going over the words you wrote, desperately hoping he saw them? Are you allowed to have your heart beat its way out of your rib cage because you know your soulmate is coming to Chennai?

You pace back and forth in your office, feeling the eyes of your office-roommate burn on you. He raises a brow as you stop, turn to face him and cross your arms over your chest. 

“What’s going on?” he asks. 

“Uhh,” you say, “it’s complicated.” You drag a hand through your hair. Again, again, again. It grows annoying and you tie it up in a bun with the hairbands on your wrist. 

Advik pushes himself from his desk, his chair rolling closer to you. He pulls on you to sit down in your own chair, and as you slump against it, he takes one of your hands in his. “You can tell me, I won’t…” He tries for a smile instead of finishing the sentence―nothing you find very comforting. 

“It’s my soulmate.” It sounds weird saying out loud. 

Your coworker cocks a brow. “Soulmate, huh?” His face gets a playful smirk and he turns your hand in his, but there is no tattoo on that one. Nor can you see the tattoo on your left wrist as you’ve perfected how to cover up the T. 

“Yeah, soulmate.” Something tugs at your stomach. Advik moves to check your other wrist. Deep brown eyes look up at you, a frown thrown across it, mixed with something akin to fondness. 

“You don’t have one, do you?” he asks, eyes glances down at your wrist again. His thumb strokes where the T hides underneath make-up. “That’s great news.”

Lips pressed together, and knowing people have been talking about you not having a soulmate for some time now, you don’t say anything. You let him stroke over your tattoo, even though he can’t see it. 

He pulls back his sleeves and shows his wrists to you. “See, no soulmate.” The lopsided grin that accompanies makes you feel guilty, a stab of pain in your stomach and the far away feeling of impending sweat. “Isn’t that great?”

You shake your head. “That’s not…” The words feel wrong. But how else do you say it? “That’s not true. I have a soulmate.” 

Advik frowns, his expression giving away what he says next, “but you have no tattoo?” 

“Wrong,” you say and find a wet wipe in your purse. You rub it against your wrist, taking the time to get everything off. As the T is visible, you show it to him. 

“Who is this  T, then?” he asks, but he doesn’t sound convinced.

You take a deep breath. “I don’t know. I know he’s an actor, and that he likes shakespeare. Uhh, he travels a lot and reads a lot. Probably from the west, I think because he’s usually awake when I go to sleep.”

“So, he’s in another time zone.” Advik shrugs, though a small smile plays on his lips, as if he’s happy with that. “Doesn’t that open up to, maybe, trying someone else?” 

“I dreamt it tonight.” You take a deep breath. “He’s here. In Chennai. I saw his boarding pass.” 

Advik raises a brow, his smile falling. “Well, then we’ll have to see if we can find him, right?”

“You’re gonna help me?”

He nods. “Totally. I might not have a soulmate, and have hoped you haven’t had one either, but you seem to want to find him. Why not help you?”

You shake your head, unsure what to think but your heart flips at the thought. A grin spreads across you face and the anticipation of finding him has your gut churn. Maybe things will go your way? 

---

The bookstore you’re in feels like a dead end, just as every other bookstore you’ve been to. It’s not like you know he’ll even stop by one, you just know he likes to read. 

Advik smiles tightly, his eyes glancing to the door every now and then as the bell above it rings. It signals new customers, but so far, you haven’t seen anyone that could be from the west. After all, you’re looking for what you believe to be a white male, and the people coming in... aren’t that. 

“I don’t think we’re gonna find him,” you say and slide down the wall you’re leaning against. “How are we supposed to know he’ll come here?”

“Because he likes to read,” says Advik, “and this is the biggest bookstore in Chennai.”

You roll your eyes. “What has that got to do with it? He probably won’t come here, he’ll go to one of the small ones that are way cozier.”

“Y/N, he speaks English, how many bookstores here sells English books?” 

“Uhh, all of them?”

Advik purses his lips, but glances at the door again. To your lovely surprise, someone white does come in. A woman with long blonde hair and a pretty face. Behind her, a white man―probably not who you’re looking for though―with more ginger hair. It curls at the ends, slicked back behind his ears and a little messy, but it goes great with the beard he’s sporting. 

“Can it be him?” Advik arches a brow and looks at you. 

You shake your head. “Probably not, he’s way too hot to be my soulmate.” 

Advik chuckles. “Nah, he’s definitely within your league. Maybe check somehow?” 

Answering that with a resounding ‘no’ doesn’t work because Advik grabs your wrist and drags you with him to a shelf near the two white people. You’re certain they’re a couple, as it seems unlikely to think anything else. Though they’re not as handsy at the couples you’ve seen on TV in most American shows. 

You act as if you’re browsing―which you end up doing―and glance at the male every now and then. The book you pull out has an interesting title, but other than that you don’t really read what it’s about. 

“Tom,” the woman says, voice low but not low enough for you not to hear it. “Do you really think this is the place?” Her accent is British, and how the male’s name starts with a T has you glance down at your wrist. 

Advik wiggles his brows your way, nodding a little in the direction of the male. It works, he mouths. You roll your eyes, but still glance the stranger’s way. If it is him, you have to admit that’s not something you’re opposed to. 

“What better place? A bookstore is the perfect―”

Whatever the end of the sentence is, you don’t get it as he speaks too low. His accent is British, which works well with the soothing deep tone of his voice, which again does have an effect on the feelings flowing through your veins.

You swallow the lump in your throat. The side-eyeing of him seems to go unnoticed, however, still scared of getting caught, you turn your caze back to Advik. 

But your coworker isn’t where he was moments before. No, he’s… your gaze lands on him a meter away. The man is stumbling onto the male―Tom―with a book. Wide-eyed you go to him and decide to help. Which doesn’t work and instead you eye a clumsy mess together with the woman Tom’s with. 

“Boys, huh?” she asks, rolling her eyes. 

You nod. “Yeah,” you say. “That was on purpose, too.” Immediately after saying the words, you want to hide. 

The woman smiles. “Oh, so a friend of yours then?”

“You can say that. Only I didn’t know he was going to do that.” You shake your head, eyes on the two men who both laugh awkwardly at each other. 

“No, why did he do it?”

“He believes the guy is my soulmate.” You’re surprised at how casual it comes out. 

Something lights up in the woman’s face. “Well, let’s find out then? I’m Sarah, by the way. His sister.” She holds out a hand, and you take it. 

“Y/N,” you reply. “But I don’t understand how we’re supposed to find out.”

Sarah shrugs and takes your left hand in hers. She twists it to see your wrist. The T isn’t covered up today, and you’re almost relieved it isn’t. “That’s something, right? You know, he only has the initial, too. Maybe he is your soulmate?”

You nod. The prospect of being so close to figuring it out is overwhelming. It tugs at your gut, in a good and bad way. What if it turns out to be nothing like you want? Or to be completely awful? Or what if it’s everything you want? What if it actually brightens your days? And it will stop the nagging from your parents... 

“Okay, how do we check?” you ask. 

Sarah smiles. “You have to talk, and touch. The touch is important.” 

“Have you met your soulmate?” you ask. 

“Yeah,” she says and her smile brightens, “it’s worth everything.”

You mirror her smile and let out a deep breath. “Then let’s try this.”

Sarah waves her brother over to you, who seems deep in conversation with Advik. The two men walk over, and the glance over Tom gives you stirs something in your stomach. You press your lips together, and swallow. Only your throat stays dry. 

God, is this really how I’m supposed to feel?

Sarah smiles. “Tom, this is Y/N.”

You extend a hand for him to shake, and he takes it in a firm grip that shoots electricity up your arm. She was right about the touch. But she hadn’t warned you about those ocean eyes that rip your soul out and tug at your heart. 

“Hi,” you say, voice soft. You bite down on your bottom lip, afraid you’re gonna let something slip. And remembering you’re still holding his hand, you let go. The absence feels wrong, and that alone seems like all the answers you need. 

He smiles at you. “Hi.” 

“It’s official,” says Advik, “you are most definitely soulmates.”

Sarah nods in agreement. 

You just shake your head with an embarrassed smile. “I guess? Wanna go on a date?” where did this confidence come from?

“I would love to.” Your heart flips, does that one-two beat. 

So long, the nagging and rumours had scared you. Now that you’ve met your soulmate, you know it was worth the wait.

permanent: @devilbat @adefectivedetective @gamillian

tom:  @inlovewith3 @bookgirlunicorn @mindlesschicca @justawriterinprogress @wolfsmom1 @loser-alert

bold in the taglist are people tumblr wont let me mention

[welcometohurt]

Welcome to hurt.

 Even though probably nobody will ever read this, give a fuck, or even see this, I decided to start this “Diary Blog” anyways. 

In case anyone ever does read this, I will remain anonymous. Maybe that will change one day, maybe it won’t, for now, I’m nothing. Literally, call me nothing. \\

Hello, I’m Nothing. Nice to meet you. Not that we are actually meeting, because I don’t ever leave my fucking house to actually meet people. I’m not really sure why I decided to start this blog, I am hoping it will let me vent and maybe it will help others... I mean I doubt it but who knows?

ANYWAYS.

About 6 years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Yes, really diagnosed by a real doctor dude and not one of those 15 year old self diagnoses “OMG I AM SO SAAD AND CAN’T HANDLE LIFE WAAAH PAY ATTENTION TO ME “ kind of shit. (Side note, if you are one of those people, see a doctor or stfu?) 

I’m not really sure WHY I got all this shit. Life for my was going great, I had the best friends, I was going out every night, I never got into drugs or alcohol, I just had fun. I do however have a hunch. The summer of 2011 was when my life went to shit. Stick with me, it’s going to be hard to follow. 

The summer of 2011 started of great. I had a new boyfriend of a few months who was 2 years older then me, and a couple of his friends were going out with my best friends so it was literally perfect, we all hung out all the time. It happened to be his graduating year, so that meant he had prom. When we started going out prom tickets had already been bought and prom was coming and it was just too late for me to be his date which I was totally okay with, he was just going with his buddies. A couple of months went by, prom came and gone and it was now July. My boyfriend and I have been dating 3 months. 

One day in July my dad had a stroke, we didn’t think he was going to make it. He forgot he had a family and had the mind of a 12 year old. I used my friends and boyfriend to vent and I was terrified I would be losing my dad by the time the week was over. 2 days go by my dad wakes up one morning i hospital and was totally and completely back to normal. The doctors were not really sure how, but they say it was a miracle. My dad was okay and back home the next day. 

The morning after my dad came home I got a call from my boyfriend from work... I was still down about everything. still worries, but I was okay. I thought my boyfriend was calling to give me a little cheer up. No, he wasn’t. He called in a panic and I thought something bad happened. It did, but not to him... just to me. He explained to me that he has been keeping something from me since prom and it was killing him. He told me a girl came up to him at prom and kissed him. I start laughing as I though it was cute he was so worried about that, and said as long as you didn’t kiss her back! He went quiet and said he did, and he didn’t stop. They just kept going. My boyfriend cheated on me at prom. Now I was 16 at the time, it was my first love... I didn’t want it to end so soon. I was crushed, but I was stupid and forgave him. His friends knew about it, and now my friends knew about it... some of them came over that day to cheer me up. They didn’t think I should stay with him but I did. We all hung out and by that night i WAS OKAY, it was okay... life went on. No one except those few people knows about that even 6 years later.

I didn’t think that after that week of events my whole life would change for the worse. 

Literally the next day I woke up feeling sick.( FUN FACT ABOUT ME: Ever since I can remember I have had a severe fear of throwing up. It’s controlled a few thigns in my life and it’s horrible but I get over it.. but when I feel sick I get pretty dramatic about it) Anyways, I woke up feeling sick and was worried I was catching the flu so I didn’t eat or go out that day. The next day, I still didn’t feel well, my boyfriend wanted to see me I declined and said I wasn’t well, my friends as well and I said the same thing. I stayed home and didn’t eat. The next day... the same thing... and the next day... the next... my mom started to notice. I went from a food loving girl who went out everyday to not eating or seeing people. She took me to the doctors and they say, they don’t know what’s wrong and they will do some tests. A MONTH goes by, I havent seen my friends. My boyfriend comes over every so often to see me and that’s it. September comes around and I wasn’t able to go to school. I keep getting tests done and nothing had been found out. Finally it’s November and I haven’t been to my grade 11 year yet... I am down to 85lbs and I found out rumors about me are starting at school.

Long story kind of short... I finally found out that I simply had anxiety this whole time. I started seeing help, put on pills... started eating... going out more... I wasn’t my old self but was better. It went on like that for a year or two. During those 2 years the pills I was on made me to start gaining weight. I started then getting depressed. Highschool didn’t help with that as I when I was sick and away the rumors about me never did stop. I won’t go into detail but just think of a random rumor and I probably heard it. 

When I started getting depressed I started going backwards... I started not really going out again... my boyfriend (the same one) started then getting frustrated and more angry with me. I lost most of my friends because I just didn’t see them.

Before I knew it highschool was over. I had to go back for a year because I didn’t have enough credits because of lack of attending school due to being sick. My boyfriend I was with was a smart person, always on top of  school and work.. by this time he was done college and had a full time job. He was disappointed to be witha girl that had to repeat a year in highschool... but he stayed with me. 

I finally finished and got my highschool diploma. I then got accepted to college... but I was also gettign worse again, and bigger, and going out less and less. I then developed a routine... in order for me to leave the house when I did I had to go through a 3 hour routine... and that got my boyfriend frustrated. I use to think he was the best boyfriend at the time.. I use to think wow he so awesome he helps me through everything. He really didn’t.. he would just get mad and I would just let him because I knew I was nothing and I was also just so in love. The year of college was tough. It was a 1 year course and I missed a lot of classes. I would leave a lot of classes when I got anxiety attacks.. I also gained more weight. My boyfriend decided he wanted to be a cbsa officer.. he had to go away for 3 months for training. I was so proud of him and told him I would support him through everything. I did. He went away which made me more depressed. I ate more. gained more. He saw pictures of me and began to comment on my weight... I though nothing of it and I said it wass bad angles... etc... he made me send picture to him to prove I wasn’t gaining  weight. I did and I never sucked in my stomach so much. I didn’t think anything of it,... he was just worried right? 

College ended and  didn’t graduate. I got more depressed. My boyfriend was mad. But, i did land a job for the summer I always wanted... working at a pet store! I loved it , it made me happy and made my confidence go up and I was feeling better. 

July came and my boyfriend was coming home from training and I was so excited... when I saw him he seemed kid of excited.. he must have just been tired. A week or two passed and i lost my job at the pet store. They said they over hired. My boyfriend was upset. I got sad again. I wasn’t going out again. October of 2015 I promised I would get up and go to the movies for a date. I tried my hardest and I did it. My boyfriend was not very impressed... on the ride home he seemed sad... the saying “forever and always” was our thing and we would say it to eachother. So i said it to make happy.. he was quiet... then I told him I loved him... he told me “you need to get better.. this is hrd to handle” I said I will but forever and always right? Still no response and I started to tear up... I said you want to break up dont you? He just nodded... and just started saying yes. 

That was it. We were it. After almost 5 years, after being eachothers basically first everything, that was it. 

The next few months were hell. I turned into a fuck it kind of girl. I got a rebound. wanted to die. hated myself. I got a job though? I hated myself. 

I started working at a restaurant... it helped me a lot... I slowly started to get over my break up. I started losing weight... I started going out more... I went out on dates.... none were potential boyfriends but iwas still fun. 

February 2016, I ran into my ex at the store. He was suprised to see me out and said hello... and then asked me to coffee.. coffee landed into making out which made me happy to have him again. He said he wanted to try again.. and offered to take me out on a date. I said yes of course.

The next day I texted him to plan the date and he said ... this was a bad idea... i changed my mind. Who the fuck knew my heart could break again so quickly? I went backwards again. I didn’t go out again. 

A couple months went by again... i still had my job at the restaurant. I started getting okay again. There was a group of kitchen guys that always talked to me and made me happy and we would always laugh non stop together. One of them, was so nice and sweet to me. I never knew why.. but he always invited me out with them. I always built up the stregth to go... and when I did he was always right there. I started to like him a lot. One day late at work, almost closing time he walks up to me... and asks me out. My whole life changed that day. We went on a date and haven’t stopped seeing eahother since. He made me the happiest. I told him my story and he understood as he went through similar problems as me.

He helped me through anxiety attack and encouraged me to take on my problems. the november of 2016 he encouraged me to apply to my dream job... one I thought I’d never have. I did I got it and  I quit the restaurant. He has never gotten mad at me for my illness he has made me realize what I wsas missing my past relationship. He spoils me and makes me so happy. 

2017 I started to fall backwards again and I don’t know why. It’s now July 2017 and I am the worst I have been since I can remember. I only leave my house to go to work or to very quickly pick things up at the store. I started cutting myself to stop thoughts of me hating myself and I thing about ending my life everyday.  I am still with the love of my life, we have been together over a year now. I would be dead without him. He is one of the hardest workers I know, he is in training to be a paramedic. He just graduated university after 4 years and now has a degree in medical science. He is going back to school to be a paramedic in september and is a volunteer paramedic in the meantime.

I worry everyday that I don’t make him happy cause I can’t do things with him. I worry everyday he will realize that he deserves so much better. I don’t know why  my mental illness is getting worse again. I have everything. I don’t know why. I have someone that sticks with my and helps me through everything so why is it getting worse? What if/ when will he realize he deserves so much more?

I am not really sure why my mental illness started. But here I am.

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