#he stays because he has to make sure that kevin will be okay

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

It's Okay To Ask For Help

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.4k

Warnings: angst, unwanted touching (grabbing one's ass without permission), creepy men

Summary: Things don’t look good from where you are. You work at a run-down bar, you’re a single mother trying to keep a roof over your head, and you’re trying to give your daughter the childhood she deserves. You don’t see yourself going up from here until reconnect with Spencer Reid.

Square Filled: bartender au (2022) for @spencerreidbingo

Author’s Note: any and all comments are appreciated <3

x

“Sweetheart! Another round!”

You have to keep the disgust off your face as you pour the man another round of whatever he is drinking. Sweetheartisn’t the worst thing you’ve been called at your job, but it’s the way he said it that has your skin crawling. You slide him the beer and pull your hand away fast enough before he can reach out and touch you. He grabs his beer and goes back to talking to his friend but keeps one eye on you.

You move to the other patrons of the bar and push the creepy man out of your mind. It’s not that you hate this job, you hate the people that come in. You’re the only female bartender which warrants unwanted attention from men nearly twice your age. Your boss isn’t any better as he usually lets this type of behavior slide, but at least he doesn’t try to touch you every hour.

The alcohol is running low so you step off to the side to grab some more while your coworker mans the bar. You walk into the back and bend over to grab two bottles when you feel someone press against your ass.

“Damn, baby, I have been thinking about this ass ever since I stepped foot in the bar.”

You stand up so fast that you would have gotten dizzy if it hadn’t been for the stranger groping your ass.

“Get your hands off me!” You turn and push the man away. “You’re not even supposed to be back here!”

“Come on, darling, just give me ten minutes of your time. I promise to make it worth your while.”

You’d slap him if you thought that would keep him away from you. Fucker probably likes that shit.

“No! Get the fuck out of here!”

You’re loud enough to cause your boss to enter the back room, and you look at him with wide eyes that have tears threatening to spill out.

“What’s going on here?”

“Sorry, man, I was trying to find the bathroom.”

“It’s the other hallway,” your boss points.

“Right. Thanks, man.”

You don’t wait for the door to fully close before talking to your boss.

“That man was lying. He came in here and grabbed my ass! I want him thrown out of the bar!”

“Whoa, calm down. That man has paid a lot of money tonight. I’m not going to just throw him out,” your boss sighs.

“He grabbed my ass. Don’t you care that he assaulted me?”

“Don’t be overdramatic. I’m sure he was just looking for the bathroom and accidentally knocked into you.” Your mouth opens. You can’t believe your ears. “Kevin is getting swamped out there. Get the alcohol and get back to work.”

You stay in the back room and cry for the next ten minutes. You’d quit if you didn't need this job. You have a daughter at home to support, and her father is only doing the minimum to help you. The court ordered him to pay you a thousand dollars a month for child support, and that barely covers your rent. You still have to work long hours just to put food on your table. You can’t afford to lose this job because no other place will hire you.

You’ve applied for other places and have even gotten an interview once, but nothing ever came of it. It’s like they back out as soon as they hear you’re a bartender at this bar, or the fact that you’ve got tattoos that you can’t exactly cover up with normal clothes. You don’t have any on your face or neck, but you do have some on your hands and chest. Darren, your boss, only hired you because of the way you look in a crop top--at least that’s what you believe.

You wipe your tears and join Kevin behind the bar to continue as if nothing ever happened. The man is gone but that only; means two more people just like him replace him. The only thing getting you through this shift is the fact that your sister is kind enough to watch Delilah until you get off at five in the morning. She’s agreed to the arrangement since she leaves for work around the same time you get off.

You’re saving what you can even if it’s only fifty bucks a paycheck, but it’s not nearly as much as you’d hope. Something needs to change or else you’ll drown in pain.

The rest of the shift goes by relatively smoothly, and you leave just as the sun is peeking over the horizon. You drive to your sister’s house where she is getting her lunch ready for work. Her husband is already out of the house since he’s a contractor and works before the sun is out, and Delilah is still in her pajamas watching cartoons in the living room.

“Hey, are you okay?” she asks.

“No. Just a rough night, I guess.”

“You really should look into getting another job.”

“Yeah, I know,” you sigh. “Are you ready, Delilah?”

“Yes, Mommy!”

You leave with your daughter and head back home where you get her ready for school. You drive her to the bus stop and watch as she gets on. After the bus has left, you manage to make it home without crying. As soon as you step through the door, the waterworks are in full effect. Once that dam has been opened, it’s hard to close them. After a quick shower, you crawl into bed to try and get some sleep. You don’t have blackout curtains so the light still shines through the dark curtains, allowing you to see all the artwork you’ve hung on the walls.

You’re a good artist but you can never make any money off it. If you could, you’d be doing that full-time instead of bartending to a bunch of assholes. You manage to fall asleep until three when you leave to pick Delilah up from school. Your shift starts at seven in the evening so you have a little time to spend with your daughter before dropping her off at your sister’s.

“How was school, baby?”

“Good! I got to sit next to Lily today. Her and her Daddy are going to the fish zoo this weekend. Can we go?”

You chuckle at what she calls an aquarium. Your smile is lost when you think about Lily and who her dad is.

“You mean Lily Reid?”

“Yeah. Can we go? Pretty please?”

“Sure, baby. That sounds fun.”

You’ll have to work a double in order to pay for it, but you’ll do it if it means giving your daughter a normal childhood. Back before you had your daughter, you used to live right next door to a man named Spencer Reid. You two were joined at the hip and did everything together, often spending the night in each other’s apartments to keep each other company. You never did figure out how you felt about him until he left for the FBI academy.

By then, it was too late. You haven’t seen him since.

There are rare times when you see Spencer drop his daughter off at school before he goes to work, but you hear about him more than you see him. Delilah and Lily have a lot of after-school playdates at your sister’s house when you have to go to work early or need a bit more sleep, so you hear about Spencer from your sister. She knows about the two of you and often tells you about how he’s doing. She’s rooting for the both of you even though you don’t think he’d be interested in you now.

It was rough work but you managed to make it to the weekend without too much of a problem. Kevin agreed to take your shift on Saturday so that you can spend it with your daughter, and you agreed to take his Monday so he can have at least two days off in a row.

“Come on, Mommy!”

Delilah practically drags you into the aquarium hoping that Lily is there waiting for her. Spencer and Lily aren’t there yet so you two decide to wait in the large waiting area. The place is a large glass tunnel where you have an unobstructed view of every sea creature swimming by. Due to the excess water, the entire room has a blue hue to it. Delilah is mesmerized by the animals and runs over to the glass to press her face into it. You’re kind of nervous at seeing Spencer after all this time because you finally figured out how you felt about him after he left.

You were in love with him… you might still be.

You take out your phone and take pictures of her posing in front of the animals and some when she’s not even paying attention. She looks to the right and squeals when she sees her best friend.

“Lily!!”

You watch the two little girls run and hug each other, and your eyes lock on Spencer’s. Seven years apart but it feels like no time has passed when you look into his eyes. The girls go off to explore while still being close enough to you and Spencer.

“It’s been a long time. How have you been?” you ask.

“Still in the FBI and catching bad guys.”

“That’s so cool to be in the FBI.”

“Not as cool as you might think. How have you been? What are you up these days?”

“Bartending at the moment. Remember Skull Bar?”

Spencer stops walking and looks at you in shock. “You’re still bartending here? Didn’t you hate that place?”

He must remember the nights when you’d come home crying because you hated how you were treated by sleazy customers.

“I still do, but what am I going to do? I have Delilah to support, and it’s not like her father is helping much. I should ask for more since he is making a lot of money, but I haven’t had time to go to the courts.” You two continue walking after both of your daughters. “I miss living next to you.”

That’s your way of telling him you miss him dearly even if he doesn’t pick up on it.

“You know, the apartment next to mine just opened up. You two can move there. I know Lily would love it.”

It hurts knowing your lives would be much better staying at a place that doesn’t have broken appliances, but how will you ever afford it? You can barely afford the dump you live in now.

“Spencer, it’s a nice thought but it’s not like I can afford it. I make good tips but bartending barely puts food on my table. I can barely afford the twenty-five hundred dollar rent I have now. Apartments in the city cost a lot more. I appreciate the offer, though.”

“Are you still drawing? I remember you always making me something. You were and probably still are incredible.”

“Some but it doesn’t pay the bills, so I had to put it on the back burner.”

“You’re talented enough to make it a career.”

“Well, when you know of a job that will benefit me, let me know.”

Spencer nods in thought and you two continue to walk after your kids in silence. His phone rings and he steps off to the side to take the call while still following the girls. You look at Spencer and admire him without him knowing about it. He’s grown a lot since you last saw him not only physically but mentally. He must have been through a lot of shit to have that faraway look in his eyes.

He ends the call ten minutes later and walks back over to you. Lily and Delilah are busy petting the sting rays which will give you another twenty before they’re ready to move on.

“I’m going to say something, and I don’t want you to shut it down immediately. I want you to think about it,” Spencer says.

“Okay…”

“My team is looking for a sketch artist, and I know you’d be perfect for the job. You have the skill. It pays well, better than bartending, and the benefits are so much better. You and Delilah would be taken care of.”

You gasp at the thought of finally leaving that shit hole, but you remember the promise you made Spencer. You bite your lower lip to prevent yourself from denying it. After two minutes of thinking about it, you release your bottom lip.

“What do you think I’d say to that?”

“That you’re not a charity case and you don’t need help.” He’s right. You would have said that. “Just think about it. Think about Delilah. It’s still within the school’s boundaries so she doesn’t have to switch.”

You look at Delilah and Lily who are laughing from the water the sting rays are splashing. This job would offer you a more normal schedule and allow you to spend more time with her. You’d be able to provide her with a better childhood.

“Your office is on the other side of town from where I live. My car isn’t that great.”

“I know of a place a lot closer,” he smirks.

“Is this a ploy to get me to move in next to you?”

He shakes his head with a smile. “Sometimes people need help, and it’s okay to ask for help. That doesn’t make you a bad mom or a bad person. It makes you strong because you’re doing it to get better.”

Tears well in your eyes at the opportunity being presented to you. You don’t hesitate to give him your answer.

“I’ll take it.”

You pull Spencer in for a hug and wrap your arms around his neck. Spencer wraps his arms around your waist and closes his eyes from the feeling of you being back in his arms. You pull away from him but don’t step away from him. He glances down at your lips wanting to kiss you but not wanting to overstep.

“You owe me ten bucks,” Lily says loud enough for you two to hear. “Look at them. They’re gonna kiss. I told you bringing them here was a good idea.”

You giggle at the thought of both of your daughters being little masterminds. Well, if money is on the table, you better make Lily ten bucks richer. You lean up and kiss Spencer, finally feeling like everything is right in the world.

x

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[ninyard]

Hellooo i saw that you were asking for asks (that sounds funny) and I wanna know some of your hcs on Kevin and Allison being besties/ kevjean relationship

This is my chance to finally share some Allison/Kevin hcs so I'm gonna seize this opportunity with both hands and give you this total MESS of a brain dump

- Allison is the only fox that doesn't make fun of Kevin's eating habits. Kevin KNOWS his relationship with food is fucked up because of the nest and Allison knows it too, so she refuses to make bets or make fun of the way that he eats. Kevin only realised because she once tried to quietly tell Nicky to knock it off when he was pushing Kevin to have dessert or making fun of what he'd decided to have instead.

- Kevin also knows not to talk about the numbers or macros in front of her, too. They have a weird unspoken mutual respect RE: food and they both appreciate each others efforts on that front without ever actually mentioning it. they also have a gesture for each other that's code for "i want a snack do you have anything" and they'll throw each other protein bars if they're out/on a long bus journey etc.

- they are the BEST drinking buddies. Whenever the team starts drinking/partying/clubbing more together post-TKM, they are literally CHILDREN when they're drunk together. Kevin gets tired of the monsters being boring when they go out and there's only so much dancing he can do with just Nicky and Aaron alone. So Allison pulls him up to the bar one night to do a tequila shot, and they literally have the most unexpectedly fun night ever. Kevin loosens up a whole lot without the threat of Riko etc post tkm, and when I tell you he is such a fun drunk. now he doesn't really drink THAT much during the season but off-season? oh he's a party animal. I could write thousands of words about him and Allison getting drunk together and becoming literal best friends as soon as they have a drop of alcohol in their systems but here's some things I think they've done drunk

stole a shopping cart and sat in it as they pushed each other down the road in it (and fallen out of it and laughed so fucking hard) ((but were bruised up as fuck the next day because of it)

he's sat her on his shoulders - while dan sits on matt's - as the two girls try to push the other one off

he's really easily convinced to do things by her. another shot? sure. and another shot IMMEDIATELY after that? alrighty! karaoke? well, okay. jockeyback? stealing traffic cones? pulling pranks and fucking with the other foxes? acting like actual teenagers? okidokie!

she's probably the only person in the world who has successfully convinced kevin day to sing

he holds back her hair if she has to puke

she convinced him to let her do his makeup once. full glam. like a serious look, fully beat, full coverage look. there's a picture out there somewhere of it that she saves for blackmail.

fucked. make out sometimes. strip poker. they dance together :)

he never lets her walk alone anywhere when she's drunk. if she can't find one of the girls to accompany her to the bathroom at a party she'll take him.

she's taught him full dance routines

she was joking that there's no way the raven warmups could be that different to theirs, and bet him that she'd be able to do them without breaking a sweat (he won)

they've both ugly drunk cried in front of each other (but they never talk about that sober)

she's pretty light so he's bench pressed her before

- They know each others drink orders/favourite shots

- if Allison is out, say she's with her friends and not with the foxes, and she has to wait alone for a taxi or walk somewhere alone, she'll call him and he'll stay on the phone with her until she's safe

- They make fun of each other and bully each other like there's no tomorrow (affectionate). the whole "Allison hates Kevin" thing WAS true for a while, but once they get closer, she just pretends to hate him. he's like an annoying brother to her

- Allison is really easily frightened, and Kevin thinks it's funny to scare her. she's never safe walking around a corner or into a room if Kevin is there and in a good mood.

- they're not BEST FRIENDS. like they're not in each others pocket all the time and laughing and joking ALL THE TIME but she can read him like a book. she knows when he's having an off day, or thinking about something too much.

- She also knows when he's being serious and when not to joke around. She knows when he doesn't want cheering up or to joke about something and knows when to back off. The same with him - he knows when she's having a mood that requires being cheered up, or a mood that requires him to leave her the fuck alone.

- He's a big reason why she puts a whole lot more of herself into Exy post tkm. She's always been invested, but once they talk more, and they consider each other friends, she listens to him talking about Exy and it really clicks for her. his dedication. and also how fucking talented he really is. She doesn't do the night training with him but they'll occasionally go to the gym together or start practice a half an hour early to run some basic raven drills.

- They're iconic when they get together to do press after games. they bounce off each other like nothing else. they're just so funny. and he's also like andy murray in that he will ALWAYS defend her, dan, and renee's talent if interviewers start to focus more on him instead of the girls. he'll step in if an interviewer says something shitty or misogynistic. she LOVES directing objectifying and misogynistic questions his way.

- She calls him a bitch and makes fun of him for being a nepo baby. He calls her an asshole and makes fun of her for being a rich kid.

- Have gone to banquets as each others date.

that's just a few random thoughts off the top of my head but yes. Allison and Kevin. Literally the only Two Pretty Best Friends ever to exist.

[foxstens]

it's amazing how many things neil does for/because of kevin

he joins the foxes because kevin's memories prove that he is someone real

he stays when he finds out about the ravens' district change to make sure that kevin will be okay

he runs his mouth on kathy's show to stand up for kevin

he physically hauls riko away from kevin when they're backstage

neil josten has never been as selfish as he thought he was

[elen-tari2]

My Kastle Scene Wishlist

I’m not sure what Kastle content we might get in Daredevil Born Again, but there is also talk that they might make a new Punisher show. What are some scenes/parallels that you would like to see between Frank and Karen? Here’s a few of my musings

Reversed Hospital Scene! I would like to see Frank momentarily panic over Karen getting hurt and have a turn holding her hand in a hospital bed. I feel like we deserve this scene so bad. (Caveat: Frank CANNOT be the reason Karen got injured, even if it’s just she got shot in the arm or has a concussion; Karen is in dangerous situations regardless of Frank being near her or not and he needs a wake up call for that). Bonus points for the total opposite of telling her to walk way—this time HE GETS IN THE HOSPITAL BED and puts his arms around her and just holds her and Karen gets to feel completely safe for a few minutes. Just go all out with the hurt/comfort trope for these two. Anyway, I have a whole WIP fic devoted to this, so honestly it has become my top wish to see some parallels drawn with another hospital scene.

Karen gets to help in a fight and shoots someone. I feel like since they never got to have the Wesley conversation, a way to show-not-tell would be for Karen to kill a bad guy and then Frank come check on her to be like, ‘hey are you okay?’and she’d be like, ‘yeah, I am.’ She’d be a bit shaken up but grimly holding it together because it’s not her first time killing someone. This would also work in contrast to the scene where Amy shoots the guy in the hall and then Frank infamously takes the gun from her and takes the responsibility of his death away from her. Sorry to make Karen suffer because I know she’ll feel bad about it, but I’d be okay with seeing her character go a little bit darker to save someone’s life. She’s been carrying that gun since DDs2, she deserves to take out a baddie on her own and it’d be a great segue into rehashing some of her past that Frank NEEDS to know about

Frank meets Paxton Page. Will the show make time for this? Probably not. But damn do I want to know what Frank would say if he knew that Karen’s dad cut off his only daughter, when Frank would do anything—anything—to spend one minute with Lisa again. I’d love to see Frank go to Fagan Corners with Karen to put flowers on her mom and brother’s graves. We spent three seasons of Frank being able to open up around Karen and talk about his family with her. Meanwhile she has never once said anything about the losses she’s suffered. Frank needs to know and I don’t want it all jammed into one big backstory dump where she tells him she killed her brother and Wesley in the same conversation. Another option would be for Frank to accidentally visit Karen on the anniversary of her mom/Kevin’s death and she is having a breakdown. If we can’t get into any of Karen’s past, have Frank find out Karen has his burner phone saved in her contacts listed as Home. I’ve seen that idea in several different fics and it just needs to be canon. They are Home to each other.

A scene where Frank holds Karen all night and they don’t have sex, but it’s profound. (Think like Spike holding Buffy). If they are nervous about comics fans being mad about Frank Castle finding love again, give us some physical intimacy and closeness where you know they mean everything to each other but can’t cross the line and make things real. Fan fic writers will know we won and then fill in the rest for those cowards.

If they’re willing to make Kastle real, give us a goddamn kiss. Actually, just let them have sex, because Karen Page has been forced to stay chaste for YEARS and she deserves to get laid. And Jon Bernthal seems to be more than comfortable doing sex scenes soooo please just make it the most beautiful thing ever filmed because they are so in love with each other. It has to be noticeably different in tone from the scene with Beth. And Karen cannot get shot the next day, don’t even start with any of that bull$hit trauma for Frank.

Kastle pillow talk scene. Since it’s Disney Marvel now, I don’t know how much we can hope for with a sex scene. So the pillow talk scene that follows had better be some life-altering confessions of love and cuddles. Do not even think about him sneaking out before she wakes up like he almost did with Beth. Karen deserves something good to happen to her for once, let her have a perfect night and a gentle, soft morning after. She deserves it even if Frank isn’t sure if he does.

Karen Page and Dinah Madani Friendship. I’m rewatching The Punisher s2 and one thing that pissed me off was the scenes of fake bonding between Dinah and Krista Dumont, drinking wine together and discussing men (Frank and Billy, who else). So. To make up for that, we need some genuine female friendships, like Karen and Dinah going to a shooting range together or gym or going out to a nice bar for girls night. Even if Frank has been keeping his distance, these ladies have struck up a friendship and Karen has someone to hang out with besides her lawyer coworkers.

Karen gets to meet Micro/The Lieberman family AND Curtis. David knows how Frank really feels about Karen. Curtis needs to find out Frank DOES still have something good holding him in this world. And Karen should meet Frank’s friends.

Okay those are some of the scenes I want to see for Frank and Karen! If someone could please get this list to the Punisher writers for the future of the show, it’s actually very important that we get some of this or I’m gonna have to come write for the show myself. 🙈

[jinkoh]

my door is always open

kevin x gn!reader

part of my soulmate series

tags: soulmate au (sharing bruises), hurt/comfort, angst, neighbor/friend!kevin, yn has a cheating boyfriend (who is not kevin)

wc: 1.5k

a/n: i listened to younghoon's say something fancon performance on loop while writing this and maybe it shows lol

series masterlist | tbz masterlist

The cold from the pavement crept through the fabric of your pants making you freeze. You knew you couldn’t stay out here forever, but going inside meant facing him and you weren’t ready, not yet. You’d had your suspicions for a while. But now the proof was on your neck in the shape of hickeys that someone else had left on his skin. It felt so calculated, making sure you knew without having to tell you, breaking your heart without having to be the one to bring it up. No, he was waiting it out, leaving the ball in your court. Perhaps he could even rid himself of feeling guilty if he just riled you up enough, staying calm and composed and winning himself the right to call you hysterical for lashing out. Sure, he was the one to hurt you first, but no need to verbally attack him, right? You could talk it out calmly—not that he’d feel like there was anything to talk about in the first place. Maybe he hurt your feelings, but that was something for you to come to terms with. He couldn’t always be the perfect boyfriend and act in the way you wanted him to; after all he was just a person and you wouldn’t make him apologize for being human now, would you?

It was always like this. And the saddest part was, you’d accepted it time and time again, apologized for every time he hurt your feelings just to keep him by your side. Because you loved him. Because he was your soulmate. And even now you were feeling the same way. You would have followed him anywhere, if only he hadn’t crossed this one line that was so visibly inexcusable that even you couldn’t bring yourself to bow your head. If it’d just been the growing suspicion it would have been one thing. You could have played it off as your mind playing tricks on you. But he’d decided to take away any room for interpretation, letting you carry the traces of his cheating on your skin for you and the whole world to see.

And even with all that, you felt like you wanted to forgive him; even now you didn’t want to give up on him. So, you sat on the pavement with the cold creeping into your bones, trying to drag out the confrontation for as long as you could, because as long as you didn’t go inside you wouldn’t have to make a decision between him and yourself. As long as you didn’t go inside you hadn’t lost either of the two.

“What are you doing out here? Forgot your keys?” Kevin’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts.

You wiped away your tears, hoping he hadn’t seen them through the flimsy light the streetlamp was casting over you. “No, nothing much. Just sitting here.”

Kevin looked at you for a moment longer before sitting down next to you on the pavement. His shoulder brushed against yours, just briefly, but the touch felt comforting. It made you feel less alone. Kevin had always had this effect on you from the moment you’d met him a few years ago. There was something genuine and kind about him that never failed to put you at ease. He didn’t make you feel anxious or second guess yourself all the time the way your soulmate did.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he eventually asked, looking straight ahead instead of burdening you with the weight of his gaze.

“I don’t know.” Your hand self-consciously wandered to your neck, where you knew your soulmate's hickeys were hiding in plain sight. Some of them, at least. “Maybe.”

“Okay.”

He stayed quiet, not pressuring you to go on immediately. Only when he noticed the way you shivered from the cold did he speak up again.

“You can come back to my place for a while, if you want. I could make you a tea?"

You considered for a moment, the thought of being curled up on his couch with a cup of hot tea very enticing. But you couldn’t bring yourself to move, your body frozen in place as if an invisible chain tied you there. “I think I need to sit here a little longer.”

“That’s okay. Just wanted you to know that the option is there. My door is always open for you.” He lightly nudged you with his shoulder. “I mean not literally, because I do not trust the granny living across the street and I’m sure given the opportunity she would steal Morty. But metaphorically it’s—”

You interrupted him with your giggling, the mental image of the old lady trying to steal his pet snake too ridiculous to stay serious. “Thank you,” you said, once you’d stopped laughing, wiping at the corners of your eyes “it really means a lot, Kev.”

“Mhm-mh,” he gave you a soft smile “Not for that.”

You let your head drop against his shoulder, watching as a cat disappeared into the neighbor’s garden. You’d seen it around a few times, thinking it was a stray, but now the older lady that Kevin had deemed suspicious let it in through her terrace door. You felt an odd sense of jealousy. It seemed everyone had a place to go home to, and so did you, except you couldn’t remember the last time it had felt like home.

“He cheated on me,” you eventually whispered into the night. “He didn’t even try to hide it. There’s traces all over me, my neck, my chest, my thighs—I think he wanted me to see.”

“That’s fucked.”

“Yeah.” You paused and for a while it just stayed silent, Kevin patiently waiting for you to go on rather than filling the silence himself. 

“Do you think people can change?” you finally asked.

Kevin took a moment to think before he replied and when he did his voice was calm and genuine. “I do. But that doesn’t mean you have to stick around to find out.”

You huffed a small laugh. “You know, that’s a pretty good response.”

“I think so, too.”

“But the sad thing is, I want to. I want to stick around so badly, but I—” your voice quivered and broke and you felt tears welling up in your eyes all over again. “It’s him who doesn’t want me to stick around. He shows it in everything he does, in the way he doesn’t speak to me anymore, in the way he blames me for every little thing, in the way he doesn’t even try to be kind to me—it’s so clear that he doesn’t want me anymore. I know that already, but if he doesn’t say it clearly, if he doesn’t kick me out, I don’t know how to leave.” You sniffed before wiping your runny nose with the back of your hand. “He’s my soulmate. He was supposed to be my forever. How could I leave?” You sniffed again. “But I can’t stay either. If I go inside now, if I let him trample all over my feelings again, I think I’ll lose even the last bits of respect I have for myself.”

“Then don’t go inside,” Kevin said and he made it sound so easy. “You don’t have to. There is no rule that says you have to face him now, after the cruel way he treated you.”

“Wouldn’t that just mean I’m running away from my problems?”

“I’m not saying you should run forever and never confront him. But at times you have to make a strategic withdrawal, or you’ll lose. Just because you don’t feel like you can stand your ground at this moment doesn’t mean you have to go back to him until you can. If you’re not confident to face him right now, then don’t. If going back makes you hate yourself, then don’t.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Maybe not.”

“He’s my soulmate. You can’t just leave your soulmate.”

“I wouldn’t know, I don’t have one.” He turned his head to look at you and his eyes were so earnest, so unapologetically honest that it made your heart ache. “But what use is there in staying with a soulmate that makes you miserable? Shouldn’t your soulmate ease your pain rather than be the one to cause it?”

In your heart, you knew that Kevin was right. You were just letting yourself get hurt over and over again by staying with him. But leaving seemed so scary. It felt like admitting that you’d failed at something that was supposed to be easy. 

“But where would I even go?” you whispered.

His hand reached for yours, giving it a comforting squeeze. “I told you, my door is always open.” 

His fingers were warm intertwined with your own when you squeezed back. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” 

You felt like you were ready to get up now.

series masterlist | tbz masterlist

[reduxulousoctopus]

Logan: “Whatever Chuck did in there, it worked. I don’t know how he faced that thing. He never loses his cool.” Rogue: “Forget it, hon. In our business, we all get shook up every now and again.” Logan: “I don’t.” — X-Men: The Animated Series, season four, "Proteus"

~4500 words, immediately Post-Episode, Morpherine established relationship, The Most Traumatized Man in the World dealing with the fact that he is now Slightly More Traumatized

If you missed my last fic, Morph has in-universe (he/him) and out-of-universe (they/them) pronouns because I think that's funny.

--

After watching waves crash against the island’s rocky shore for a moment, Logan stuffs his hands into his pockets and starts walking in the direction of the tarmac where they left the Blackbird. He’s ready to go the fuck back to Westchester, find his favorite seat at the bar, and drink until he forgets he even exists. Plenty of ye olde pubs to be found on the mainland, of course, but he’s had more than enough of bonnie Scotland for one day.

Too bad some force out there—be it God, the Devil, or the whims of an uncaring universe—seems dead set against ever letting Logan have what he wants.

“I think the professor’s gonna want to stay a while longer,” Rogue pipes up behind him. “Y’know, to make sure Kevin’s really okay, and to make sure Dr. MacTaggert’s doin’ alright, too. We probably got at least an hour to kill before it’s time to head home.”

Holding back an enraged scream, Logan instead grunts out through gritted teeth, “Uh-huh.”

“Why don’t you pay Morph a visit?” Rogue suggests with a smile. “That might make you feel better. Even if you don’t wanna talk to him about what happened, he always puts you in a good mood.”

Despite her words, Logan’s mood somehow turns even more sour at the thought of seeing Morph again. He crosses his arms and grumbles under his breath, “Morph’s already got more than enough to deal with—he doesn’t need me dumpin’ a load of my garbage on top of everything else.”

Rogue rolls her eyes. “For some reason, Morph actually seems to like your garbage. I already told him you’d come see him before we left. You gonna make a liar outta me, or do I have to throw your sorry butt in through his window?”

How in the hell did Logan end up surrounded by so many females who think they can boss him around? Jean, Storm—even Jubilee’s gotten real bold about demanding rides to the mall.

They’re completely right, of course, but they don’t always have to rub his nose in it.

“I can walk.” Logan gives her a mocking bow. “By your leave, ma’am.”

“Go on, now, get,” Rogue says, nodding her head towards the research center’s entrance. “Surly ol’ polecat. Don’t know how Morph puts up with you.”

Thing is, Logan thinks as he grudgingly makes his way back inside the building, he isn’t so sure Morph wants to put up with him anymore. Three times now, he’s had to watch Morph walk away and not look back, even as Logan called his name.

Kinda hard for a fella not to start taking that personally.

Upon entering the laboratory where the others have gathered, Logan immediately locates the cause of his bad day—across the room, playing some kind of hologram puzzle game with Cassidy, too busy to notice him—before very deliberately looking away and approaching Dr. MacTaggert instead. “Hey, Doc. I’m gonna head upstairs. Unless now’s a bad time…?”

She’s understandably reluctant to tear her eyes away from her son. Even when she manages to meet Logan’s gaze, it takes her a second to actually register what he said.

“Oh! Of course you’ll be wanting to see Morph.” She checks her watch. “He should be nearly done with his morning round of mnemotransience therapy. I’ll call the supervising nurse to let her know you’re on your way.”

Logan frowns, wondering what the fuck ‘nemo-transients’ are, but nods politely when she tells him which room Morph’s in. Not that he needs directions—as usual, Logan opts to trust his nose, letting Morph’s familiar scent lead him through the building, instead. But when he arrives outside the closed door at the end of the trail, something makes him hesitate.

He reaches for the knob. Pauses.

Reaches again, before pivoting on his heel and walking back the way he came.

Stops. Runs his hand through his hair. Returns to the door.

Hesitates again. Growls in frustration.

“Just leave him alone, old man,” Logan mutters to himself. “He’s here to heal.”

Not listen to a whining, yellow-bellied coward like me.

With that bitter self-recrimination, Logan turns away from the door again—only to nearly jump out of his skin when he hears it suddenly open behind him.

“Are you that ‘X-Man’ come to visit Morph?” asks the middle-aged woman with frizzy grey hair and coke-bottle glasses. “Sorry love, Moira called ahead but I only just remembered the door was locked. Must not have heard your knockin’ over my headphones, either. Come on in, love, he’s almost done with his treatment, shouldn't be more than a minute or so.”

Now there’s no chance he can sneak away without word getting back to Morph. Reluctantly, Logan follows the nurse into the room. As soon as he’s through the threshold and he hears the door automatically lock itself behind him, his breath catches and a bolt of sick terror shoots through him, followed quickly by rage.

He hates hospitals, and he really hates laboratories; this room is some hellish combination of both. Sterile metal walls, acrid chemical smells, computers and machinery blinking and blooping with obscure purpose in stalagmite-like clusters rising from the floor. Seeing Morph unconscious on a slab, hooked up to those machines—it makes him want to break things. His pulse is a war-drum in his ears.

This can’t actually be helping Morph get better. They’re hurting him, experimenting on him maybe. Ripping him apart to learn how his shapeshifting powers work. Maybe that’s how MacTaggert figured out how to make her son look normal, because that’s all humans ever want from mutants: to use them, or make them normal.

His claws itch at the underside of his skin. He’s gotta get Morph out of here, run away as far and fast as they can because if they can’t trust MacTaggert then they can’t trust Xavier then they can’t trust the X-Men—

Logan closes his eyes. His thoughts are spiraling in on themselves like a dog chasing its tail; he grabs that dog by the chain and forces it to heel. Maybe he can’t trust MacTaggert—the fact she managed to hide her mutant son from Xavier all these years proves she’s good at keeping secrets, who knows what other skeletons may be hanging in that woman’s closet?—but he damn well knows by now that he can trust Xavier and the X-Men. There’s no point in speculating to the contrary. May as well start doubting that the sun will rise or the tides will turn; may as well send himself to the funny-farm, too, while he’s at it.

“You can sit in that chair while you wait, love,” the nurse says suddenly. Logan’s body jerks in surprise as his eyes snap open. She doesn’t seem to notice, though, already taking her own seat behind a desk not far from the door and picking up a well-worn paperback romance novel. “That one there, by the window.”

“Thanks,” Logan grunts.

The nurse puts on her headphones and presses the play button on her portable tape-player. Logan blinks as his acute hearing picks up shredding guitars, crashing drums, and guttural, growling vocals.

He would not have guessed from looking that she was a metal fan.

Although he moves towards the window the nurse mentioned, Logan doesn’t sit down in the squashy-looking armchair. Instead, he slides the window open and just stands there a while, breathing deeply. No ocean-view this side, but he can smell the brine and feel the cold wind against his face. He can hear crashing waves.

He can still smell Morph, too, which is always a balm—even if he can’t bear to look at him while he’s hooked up to those machines. He can hear his heartbeat and his calm, soft breaths.

Eventually, the room stops feeling quite so much like a trap snapping shut around him.

Morph trusts Dr. MacTaggert. Trusts this place, even if it makes Logan’s skin crawl. He clearly feels safe enough to recover here. Safer than he felt at the mansion, apparently.

Safer than he felt under Logan’s protection.

Some ‘protection.’ Not even one whole day back and I let him go up against Sentinels again.

Yet even when confronted by his worst fear, Morph ran in literally guns-blazing and faced an entire squad of Sentinels almost single-handed to save the team. A true X-Man, through and through.

And what does that make me? Just the guy that turns tail and runs while his friends are in danger, all because he let himself get spooked by a snot-nosed teenager with daddy-issues.

Logan hasn’t forgiven Morph for leaving again—hell, he might even hate him a little—but he’s still so proud of him. That pride only deepens his own shame.

Bamboo and steel, like Master Oku used to say. Guys like Morph, like Xavier and Beast and Nightcrawler, too: they’re bamboo. Strong enough to bend, able to grow back when cut down. For all that Logan’s bones are plated in adamantium, as often as he’s tried to change his nature, he knows he’s made of steel. Tough. Unyielding. Inflexible. Beaten into the proper shape, ground down to a razor’s edge. And if even one crack appears—he breaks.

Even reforged, a broken blade will always be weaker than it once was.

Something beeps on the console by Morph’s bed. Eerily, he seems to instantly snap from asleep to fully alert, like he isn’t so much waking up as activating. His eyes open and he takes a single, sharp breath, which he holds for a moment before releasing it in a sigh.

Logan crosses his arms and leans back against the window-sill, content to watch that long, lean body stretch and those pretty brown eyes flutter.

When Morph eventually sees him standing there, to Logan’s relief, he smiles. That’s gotta count for something. “Hiya, Logan…”

“Hey, kid,” he says softly.

I miss you.

I hate you.

Something terrible happened.

Come home.

I don’t know how to be afraid. I don’t know how to bend.

I don’t deserve you.

“Nice helmet,” Logan says. “You look ridiculous.”

Morph laughs as he sits up and starts to remove the strange device strapped to his head. “You think this helmet looks ridiculous, you should have seen my first and only attempt to design my own costume. There’s a reason why I opted to go with the generic uniform, instead.”

“Well, now I’ve gotta see it. You can’t say that and not show me.”

“And lose what little respect for me you have left? No thanks.” After setting the odd helmet down on the side-table, Morph taps it with his finger. “This is a new thing we’re trying out. Moira says it might help make my nightmares and flashbacks less intense.”

Logan nods like he knows anything about anything. “Nemo-transients therapy, right.”

Morph laughs again. “Right.”

“What’s it do?”

“No idea. Moira tried to explain the science but there were a few too many five-dollar words,” Morph admits. “Basically, it’s meant to make some of my bad memories fade away a little over time, the way the memories of other people do.”

“That perfect recall of yours givin’ you trouble?” Logan guesses with a regretful sigh. It’s a necessary side-effect of Morph’s powers. He can just glance at someone and remember every single detail of their appearance; listen to a brief recording of a voice and replicate it flawlessly; watch anyone perform a physical skill, from a martial arts maneuver to a complicated dance-step, and immediately add it to his own repertoire.

He could probably tell you how many rivets were used to construct the Sentinels that killed him. Or remember the exact moment—month, day, hour, minute, and second—when he realized that no one was coming to rescue him from Mister Sinister; that the X-Men, his friends, the people he trusted most in the world, really had left him for dead.

“On the bright side, I never had to study back when I was in school. You win some, you lose some.”

“Morph…” Logan uncrosses his arms and takes a step towards the bed, but stops himself from getting any closer. Although the nurse is thoroughly distracted by her kissing book and her metal music, she could glance up at any moment. Besides, there’s a security camera looming in the corner of the ceiling, pointed directly at them.

As much as Logan might want Morph to come home, he won’t do it by making this place unsafe for him, should someone at the research center react poorly to seeing two men be a little too affectionate with each other. His hands fall uselessly to his sides.

“I can’t say I like the idea of you lettin’ people tamper with your memories,” Logan admits after a moment.

“It doesn’t erase anything. Just sorta gives me a little breathing room, so the other therapies actually have a chance to stick. That’s all,” Morph assures him. When Logan still looks unconvinced, he adds, “The professor helped design it, if that makes you feel any better.”

It does, actually. Logan can’t understand any of this modern, high-tech psychology mumbo-jumbo. Back in his day, when a fella got a case of shell-shock, the brass would just put a gun in his hands and shove him back in the fight. If Xavier and Morph both agree that this is the best way to help Morph get better, who is Logan to question it?

“I don’t know how much longer we’ve got before it’s time to catch my ride back to Westchester,” Logan says.

“Oh.” Morph shoots him a knowing smile and a wink. “I get you.”

Well. That wasn’t what Logan was getting at, but he definitely isn’t going to say no…

Morph yawns and stretches again. This time, there’s nothing innocent in the arch of that spine or the flex of those lean muscles. “Goodness, these sessions sure take it out of me.”

“How ‘bout I walk you to your room,” Logan offers.

“Thanks, Logan,” Morph says with a shameless grin. “You’re a good pal, y’know that?”

As they walk towards the exit, Morph pauses to drum his fingertips across the nurse’s desk. She jumps and removes her headphones with a slightly guilty-looking smile. “All done, then, love? How was the session?”

“Good. How are Fae and Tavish?” Morph asks. After a moment of confusion, Logan realizes those must be the names of the woman with the heaving bosom and the oiled-up, tartan-clad highlander and on the cover of the nurse’s romance novel. “Have they sorted out that little misunderstanding at the clanmeet yet?”

“Aye, things are finally heating up again,” the nurse replies with a grin. “So if you wouldn’t mind maybe holding off telling Moira you’re done with your session, that’d be grand.”

Morph literally zips his lips shut. After Logan and the nurse have a good laugh, he unzips to say, “Don’t work too hard, Doreen.”

“You know I’m in no danger of that, love!” she calls after him as they leave the room.

Although the two of them don’t speak as Morph leads Logan through the halls of the research center, their eyes keep meeting as anticipation builds. It’s been too long—even longer, if you don’t count that cramped, awkward quickie in the mini-jet en route between Morph’s welcome home party and the trashed polymer factory.

When they arrive at Morph’s guest room, Logan doesn’t have long to re-familiarize himself with the scenery. The door is barely shut and locked behind him before Morph slams him up against it with enough force to rattle the hinges. Logan growls appreciatively around the tongue in his mouth and slides his hands down Morph’s back to grab his ass.

There’s surely no better cure for what ails him.

–

Glaring up at the ceiling several minutes later, Logan thinks he’s going to kill someone. Possibly himself.

“It… it’s fine, Logan. Really.”

“Shut up,” Logan snaps. He flops back against the scratchy hospital sheets covering Morph’s bed and hides his eyes in the crook of his arm.

“Everybody has trouble, uh, performing sometimes,” Morph insists. “Especially older—er, I mean—”

“Stop. Talking.”

Morph sighs and turns away, looking frustrated, worried, and worst of all, guilty. That last one breaks Logan’s heart a little. This sure as hell isn’t Morph’s fault. He doesn’t deserve Logan’s anger.

Too bad anger is just about all he ever has to offer.

“I should go,” Logan says, wishing he’d stuck to his guns and stayed away instead of letting Rogue bully him. He’s no good for Morph like this.

Not enough of a man to stand and fight. Not enough of a man to fuck. What good am I for anyone?

Logan stops in the middle of looking for his clothes to shut his eyes, clench his trembling fists, and wait for the wave of rage to pass over him before resuming his search.

“Oh… okay,” Morph says. Logan can’t bear to look at him. He has his jeans buttoned and is in the middle of shrugging on his flannel shirt when Morph asks, “How’d the mission go, by the way?”

A pure, wimpering-animal dread creeps into his chest. Morph keeps talking—Logan hears Rogue’s name, and the phrase ‘made of glass’—but nothing else sinks in. His stomach turns. Sweat beads on his brow. Although he can feel air rushing in and out of his lungs, he can’t breathe.

“Why do you care?” Logan snaps. He can barely hear himself over the blood rushing in his ears. “Thought you turned your back on that life.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Morph demands. “Of course I care—you’re still my friends, I’m still an X-Man! Do you think I wanted to leave?”

“I… I don’t know why I said that,” Logan lies. His vision blurs, but he can still see his own body being ripped apart, melted down into slag. He presses the heels of his palms into his eyes as hard as he can. They have to be playing tricks on him. He’d be able to smell that monster coming.

Right?

“Besides, I didn’t turn my back on you! You turned your back on me, left me to—” There’s a soft thud behind him as Morph punches the mattress. “No… no, that’s not true. Especially not about you. You did more than anybody to… But don’t you see? That’s why I had to leave! I’m no good for the team like this. I thought you understood that.”

Logan nods, although gun-to-his-head, he couldn’t say what he’s agreeing to. He stands up and staggers a few steps away from the bed on legs that feel like jelly. He needs… he needs… to button his shirt. Find his boots.

Grab your gun and head back out there, soldier. The war ain’t over just because you’re scared.

“Logan…?”

“What?!” Why can’t he find his fucking boots? Why can’t he see anything besides his own body being ripped apart, melted down into slag.

“Why are your claws out?”

Logan blinks. Looks down at his hands.

His claws hiss back at him like angry snakes.

He retracts them, feels them squirm all the way back up into his arms, alien and repulsive in a way they haven’t felt since they were brand-new.

He blinks again, and suddenly Morph is standing in front of him, between Logan and the door. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Logan should be the one closest to the door. When that monster comes in here—

“I think you’re having a panic attack,” Morph says. He offers a smile completely devoid of amusement or joy. “And I’m heading that way, too, so lets see if all these boring counseling sessions I’ve had to sit through are worth the time I could have spent watching TV.”

Closely observing Logan to gauge his reaction, Morph takes his hand and guides it to his bare chest. His heartbeat is a little too fast, his breaths shaky and hitched. Holding Logan’s hand in place, Morph takes as slow and steady an inhale as he can manage, holds it for a few seconds, then releases a sighing exhale. Again and again. In, hold, out. In, hold, out. Although Logan doesn’t mean to join in the breathing exercises, he finds himself subconsciously matching Morph’s pace.

Over the course of what somehow feels both like several hours and no time at all, Morph’s heartbeat gradually slows to something approaching normal. As it does, the worst of Logan’s terror fades, leaving him exhausted, angry, and embarrassed in its absence.

The monster—the kid is still downstairs with his mother, Cassidy, Beast, and Xavier. The only thing tormenting him is a few bad memories.

“Sit down,” Morph says, pushing him a few steps backwards until the back of his legs hit the edge of the bed. Logan doesn’t sit so much as collapse. His muscles twitch uselessly with unspent adrenaline. “Easy, big guy. A panic attack can really take it out of you. Believe me, I know.”

“You take it easy,” Logan snaps without any heat. “I don’t get panic attacks.”

“Uh-huh,” Morph says dryly, not buying what Logan’s selling even at a discount. Standing between Logan’s spread knees, Morph reaches out and runs a hand through his hair. Logan nearly growls at him—until he feels blunt fingernails scratch over his scalp just right. All the fight bleeds out of him until he can only slump forward and rest his sweaty forehead against Morph’s belly.

While he continues to play with Logan’s hair, Morph speaks again: “You and I aren’t great at this mushy stuff. And I know you too well to bother asking if you want to talk about what’s wrong.”

Logan shakes his head.

“Just… know that if you did want to talk, I’d listen. Okay? I know what it’s like to go through this stuff, and I know it feels like you have to tough it out alone, but—”

“You don’t.”

Morph’s hands go still. “…What’s that?”

“You said you know what it’s like. But you don’t,” Logan repeats, gritting his teeth, “because nothing happened to me.”

“What do you mean, ‘nothing’?” Morph asks, taking a step back so he can look Logan in the eye. “Wait, so this isn’t about Weapon X, or Sabretooth and Fox, or—”

Of course Morph would assume that, because that might actually make some goddamn sense, but no. Some of the worst things that ever happened to him, yet they only ever made him tougher and stronger and angrier. Instead, it’s a kid throwing a temper tantrum that finally managed to break the Wolverine.

—he’s falling apart, weeping at the feet of a stranger he nearly killed, begging her for answers she can’t give him. Why did they do this?—

—pretty brown eyes stare up at him, brutalized and afraid. What’s the matter, punk? Can’t take care of your woman?—

—he sees his own body being ripped apart, melted down into slag. Where are you, Logan? Wolverine!—

“I ran away during the mission,” Logan snarls. There it is, the ugly truth.

A long, terrible silence hangs between them, until—

“Oh.”

Logan cringes and looks away like a scolded hound. Shame burns acidic in the back of his throat.

After a moment, Morph moves to sit next to him on the bed. Logan watches out of the corner of his eye as he leans forward, braces his elbows on his knees, picks at his hands.

Then, to his dismay… Morph quietly chuckles.

—high, mocking laughter echoes through the dark jungle. Who could ever love a freak like you?—

“Funny,” Morph remarks. Unlike the corrupted thing he became under Sinister’s control, there’s no sign of cruelty in his voice, his face, his pretty brown eyes. “I used to think you weren’t afraid of anything.”

“I’m not,” Logan insists, before amending: “I shouldn’t be.”

“Why? Is it so terrible to find out that you’re just as human—er, so to speak—as the rest of us?”

Logan frowns down at the floor between his bare feet.

“Or was all that stuff you told me after the Sentinels came back just bullshit to make me feel better?”

His gaze snaps up to meet Morph’s cold, flat stare. “It’s not the same.”

“How do you figure?”

“Because…” Logan starts, and then doesn’t know how to finish.

Morph, the absolute bastard, smirks like he’s already won the argument. “So you ran away. So what? Did you come right here, afterwards?”

“No,” Logan growls.

“In the time it took you to turn around and get back to the mission, was anyone killed or maimed?”

“The professor fell in a pit of fire.” Morph’s eyes go wide, which is a little gratifying at least. All the more unfortunate that Logan has to tack on a reluctant, “Dr. MacTaggert and I caught him.”

“Jesus… Don’t scare me like that, you asshole. Okay, you almost let Xavier fall in a pit of fire; I almost let Xavier’s brain get stolen by Sentinels,” Morph says with a shrug. “We’re as bad as each other. Anything negative you have to say about yourself, you may as well say about me, too.”

It’s a tidy little trap Morph’s caught him in, without a doubt. Hell of a catch, that catch-22.

“Alright, put it away,” Logan grumbles, and covers Morph’s entire smug, cackling face with one hand.

“What, my dick?” Morph asks, muffled against Logan’s palm. “Talking about some guy’s emotions while my whole hog is out. I feel like I’m in a student film.”

Logan laughs. “You coulda changed that at any point, shapeshifter.”

“Hey, I wasn’t complaining.” Despite his words, Morph shifts back into his uniform as he rises from the bed. “Alright, no bars on the island, but there’s probably a boat somewhere we could steal. Or I can turn into a whale and swim you across to the mainland.”

“Can’t,” Logan says regretfully, shaking his head. “My ride home is leavin’ soon.”

“I’ll buy you a plane ticket. Even better, I’ll pull a guilt-trip on Scott that'd put a Jewish grandmother to shame, get him to come visit me tomorrow, and you can fly back with him after. In the meantime, we’ll rent a hotel room for the night and see if Little Logan has recovered from his stage-fright.”

Logan chuckles. Seeing Morph play Summers like a fiddle would be worth the price of admission alone; that he’d be doing it so Logan can play hooky and drink beer and have sex is just gravy. Still, he can’t help but ask: “You sure it’s a good idea for you to leave?”

“I don’t imagine we’ll see Mister Sinister or any Sentinels having a pint down the pub in a random seaside village in Scotland,” Morph says with a laugh. “What about you? Any chance we’ll run into whatever freaked you out?”

Logan thinks of young Kevin MacTaggert, happy and safe with his mother and Xavier—the man who’s been a better father to him in the past two days than Joe MacTaggert has for the boy’s entire life. In a strange way, maybe that makes the kid a bit of an X-Man, too. “I’ll take my chances.”

Morph grins as he pulls Logan to his feet. He doesn’t let go of Logan’s hand right away, almost absentmindedly stroking the thick, rough callouses, the knots of scar tissue, the bulky pugilist’s knuckles.

Steel is tough. Unyielding. Inflexible. Beaten into the proper shape, ground down to a razor’s edge. Even reforged, a broken blade will always be weaker than it once was.

Luckily, for all that Logan’s bones are plated in metal, he isn’t made of steel. Flesh bleeds, flesh breaks; then it heals and grows back stronger.

Logan is pretty damn good at healing.

[emxplrs]

HURT// COLBY BROCK

As I walk into the party with Tara to my left, a wave of anxiety hits as soon as I realize I am actually here. In the same house as him. But not with him. I haven’t stepped foot in this house for over a month, because the last time I was here hurt me more than anything.

“You okay?” Tara asks sensing my mood change “Just nervous,” I say while playing with the ring on my finger

“I’ll be here the whole night, if we get split up just text me and we’ll meet back up,” She says softly and I smile “Thank you,”

“Now let’s go get drinks and have a good time,” Tara says before grabbing my hand and dragging me toward the kitchen. As we make our way into the kitchen our whole friend group comes into view.

I haven’t seen most of them in quite a while, after what happened I just needed time for myself and I’ve only seen Tara, Kat, Sam, Jake, and Devyn. Tara, Kat, Devyn, and I hung out last week and I explained to them why I haven’t been around and they understood.

“Kenna!,” Kat says while running to give me a hug “Wow I feel loved,” Tara jokes

“Shut up, I saw you this morning,” Kat laughs before hugging Tara “Wow, Kenna finally decided to grace up with her presence,” Sam laughs

“I just knew your guys’ lives were boring without me so I decided to come,” I laugh before giving Sam a quick hug “Actually my life has been pretty good,” Kevin jokes and I roll my eyes before he pulls me in for a hug

“We’re doing shots,” Kat says and I nod before walking over to the table where the drinks are. Kat pours four shots, one for me, Tara, Devyn, and herself. “We’re getting you fucked up tonight and you’re going to hook up with some hot random guy,” Tara says

“Hell yeah!” Kat says “To Kenna getting laid,” Devyn says while holding her shot up and we all cheers before downing them

We all made our way into the living room where the music was and where everyone was dancing, at first it started with all of us girls dancing together but the girls’ boyfriends had made their way over to them so I let them be and went into the kitchen to get another drink

“Why aren’t you dancing anymore?” I heard a voice say from behind me and my heart dropped “Because,” I said trying my best to ignore him

“Do you want to dance?” He says and I scoff “With you? No.” I say not looking at him

“Why?” He says “Because I said so,” I said before walking away

“Hey,” Crawford says while walking over toward me “Hey Crawf,” I smile

“How’ve you been?” He asks while leaning on the wall next to us “I’ve been good, How have you been?” I say softly

“I’ve been alright. Why you over here alone?” He asks “Eh, just not in the mood for this party,” I say

“You wanna go outside?” He asks and I nod, He grabs my hand and leads me through the crowds of people. We make it outside and we go sit by the pool

We don’t speak we just sit in silence and look up at the sky “What are you guys doing?” I hear someone say and I mentally curse

“We just chillin’,” Crawford says to Colby “What are you doing out here?” I ask him

“I saw you guys walk out here and needed to make sure no one was hooking up outside,” He says and I roll my eyes “Nah, we ain’t doing that,” Crawf laughs

“Good,” Colby says while making eye contact with me “Hey, Crawf, it’s a little cold out here so I’m gonna go back in,” I say with a smile

“Alright, stay safe,” He says while lifting his cup and tilting it toward me “You too, no drunk swimming,” I point at him

“Don’t worry, I’m all good,” He laughs. I get off the chair and run my hands over my dress to make sure it’s straight “You want a hoodie?” Colby asks

“No,” I say rudely while walking away “Kenna what is your problem,” Colby asks while catching up to me

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say while shutting the door in his face “There you are,” Kat says

“Hey,” I smile “We’re doing more shots, come on,” Kat says while grabbing my hand and pulling me into the kitchen

We do about four or five shots before we all make our way back to the dance floor, this time the girls’ boyfriends don’t interfere so it was just us dancing. I look to my left to see Colby talking to some girl leaning on the wall, I roll my eyes and look away.

“Hey, Kenna,” Justin says “Hey,” I smile as he dances closer to me

“You look really good,” He says and I smile “So do you,” I say and he snakes his hands around my waist

“You know, I’ve been thinking about you for a while,” He whispers in my ear “Have you?” I tease

“I always just thought you had a thing going on with Colby so I stayed away but now that I just saw him with that girl, I know that you’re available,” He says

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’m available,” I smile “Good,” He says while moving a hand up to my neck and pulling me in for a kiss

I move my hands to the back of his neck and run my hands through his hair as he pulls me closer by the hand on my waist. He moves his mouth to my neck and starts leaving trails of kisses

“Okay, that’s enough, she’s drunk,” Colby says while pulling Justin away from me “So am I,” Justin says and I try to push Colby away from me

“Colby leave me alone,” I say while trying to get my arm out of his grip “Yeah, dude, leave her alone, we were having fun,” Justin says while grabbing onto my other arm with a tight grip

“She’s drunk, I’m not gonna let her get taken advantage of,” Colby says and I scoff “She wants this,” Justin says while tightening his grip on my arm and it starts to sting

“Justin, let go,” I say trying to pull my arm away but his grip gets tighter “Why aren’t you telling Colby to let you go?” He says

“Because he isn’t hurting me,” I say while trying to pull my arm away “Let her go,” Colby says to Justin

“How about you let her go and we get back to what we were doing,” Justin says “How about no,” Colby says

“Whatever man,” Justin says while letting my arm go and I let out a sigh of relief “Are you okay?” Colby asks while grabbing my arm and looking at it

“I’m fine, don’t pretend like you care,” I roll my eyes before trying to walk away from him but he steps in front of me

“You’re drunk,” He says “So is like every person here, plus I’ve barely had any drinks,” I say

“Well you’re never the type to get drunk and hook up with random people,” he says “I did it with you,” I say, and his face drops

“That was different and you know that,” He says and I laugh “Sure it was, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find Justin again,” I say trying to walk around him but I feel arms go around my waist and suddenly I’m thrown over Colby’s shoulder

“Colby put me down,” I say as he walks toward the stairs “No,” He says as I wiggle in his grip

We make it up the stairs and to his room and he sets me down in the middle of his floor “Colby what the hell,” I yell

“Why are you so fucking pissed with me,” He says raising his voice “Are you dumb,” I say pissed off

“Colby, we hooked up, so many times, you treated me like your girlfriend, and told me I wasn’t allowed to hang out with other guys. You told me so many things that made me fall in love with you. Then when I told you, you had the nerve to get mad at me for having fucking feelings!” I yell

“I told you that I didn’t want anything serious!” He says “I know, and that’s my fault for thinking that you’d get over yourself and realize that you do deserve love but clearly I was fucking wrong,” I laugh

“You hurt me, Colby. I poured my heart out to you and you had the nerve to say I was never anything to you and you just used me to pass the time,” I say “So don’t get mad at me for not wanting to talk to a guy who made me feel like shit about myself,”

“Kenna,” He says softly “No don’t even fucking say anything,” I say while walking past him but he grabs my hand and turns me around, and pulls me in to kiss him

I push him away “Fuck you,” I say before walking out of his room and back down to the party. “You okay?” Tara asks me

“I’m perfect, you wanna do more shots?” I ask and she nods

—-------------------------------

First story on here! LMK if you want a part two!!

[eddies-whoreee]

Ambushed

Summary: Steve hosts a pool party for the group and as the night fades away, you get ambushed in the kitchen by two horny guys.

CW: bestfriend!steddie, sexual touching, dirty talk, allusions to sex at the end. BASED IN MODERN TIMES!!

You had just arrived with Robin, the door was already unlocked so you headed straight for the back yard where Steve and Eddie sat smoking a joint. Their heads both turn as you open the sliding door. “Hey princess” Eddie says with a goofy smile passing the joint to Steve. “Hey Eds” you peep setting plopping down next to Steve making grabbing hands for the joint which Steve immediately hands to you. “Where’s Robin?” Steve asks. “She’s raiding your super fancy fridge” you tell him taking a hit. “That’s all she comes here to do I swear” steve scoffs. “You’re rich Steve, you have to expect it” you reply. “You’re rich too! Even richer than me you have a summer house” Steve states. Making you roll your eyes. “Whatever, enough talk about this, I have some important news” you tell them passing the joint to Eddie.

“Kevin Wilson, from swim team asked me out on a date” you say. “Kevin? Creepy Kev?” Eddie asks shocked. “Stop you guys! That rumor was proven to be fake. And he’s kinda cute” you state. “His dick is small” steve tells you. “No it’s average not every guy can have a monster cock like you, Steve” you huff. “ a monster cock? Never heard that one before” he chuckles. “Okay anything above 9 and a half is consider a monster, especially if the width is above 5 inches” you inform him. “Sweetheart do you do studies in guys dicks or..” Eddie jokes. “No, it’s human anatomy and I am studying to be a nurse” you state. “And knowing I have a monster cock helps that how?” Steve asks. “Ugh, should’ve never told you that!” You groan. “Yeah because now I have an inflated ego” he smirks. “C’mon harrington like you didn’t know you had a huge dick” Eddie speaks nudging Steve shoulder. “Well yeah, but not a ‘monster’ ” he laughs. “And remind me how you know y/n?” Robin comes behind you asking. “It all started one dark and stormy night” you joke making Eddie and Robin laugh. “Who hasn’t fucked steve he’s a man whore!” Robin states. You guys all look at her, “I’m lesbian so I don’t count!!” She tells you guys. “And I am no whore!” Steve tries to argue. Eddie puts his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “You’re a whore, no shame though.” Eddie says with a smile. “Whatever” steve rolls his eyes. “Hey guys!” Nancy speaks walking through the door with Jonathan. You roll your eyes and stay silent.

“Someone’s jealous” Eddie whispers in your ear. You snap your head at him, “of who?” Your ask slightly offended. “Of Nancy, you’re so jealous she used to date Stevie” Eddie responds poking your side. “First off, I did too and there is nothing she has that I don’t plus more” you reply flicking his forehead with your middle finger and thumb. “Whatever I’m ready to get in the pool it’s burning up out here” you state getting up and taking off your cropped tank and flowy shorts revealing your bikini that hugged your figure perfectly. Everyone stopped their conversation to look at you. “What? This is a pool party right? Was I supposed to wear overalls?” You ask. “No, what you have on is perfectly fine” steve stutters out staring hardly at your ass. “Dog” Robin mutters at him slapping his chest. “Who needs playboy when you have y/n” Eddie jokes making you roll your eyes playfully reaching to the sunscreen. “Can someone put sunscreen on me?” You ask going to open the bottle. “Me!” Steve, Eddie, and Robin.

You giggle handing the sunscreen to Robin who sticks her tongue at the boys which they retaliate by flipping her off. You lay down on your stomach so Robin can get easy access to your body. After her rubbing sunscreen on your legs, ass, back, and shoulders. You turn around laying on your back. “Can you also do this side, I’m lazy” you ask giving her sweet smile. “Sure” she says her hands diving for you boobs making you giggle as the cold substance makes contact with your skin. Once you are all covered in sunscreen you turn to lay your towel out and see Eddie and Steve staring you down. “You two okay?” You question laying out your towel on the chair. “Yep! Perfect, I’m gonna go get a beer” Eddie states getting up and walking toward the door. “M-Me too” Steve speaks following Eddie. You shake your head playfully and slowly enter the pool since it was freezing cold to you. Once you get you your midriff and below in the water you decide you submerge the rest of your body in the water. As you pull yourself back up hands running over your hair to get the access water out. “You gonna join Nance?” Robin asks. “Maybe later I’m gonna tan” she says laying back. “Well I’m gonna join” Jonathan states taking off his shirt and tossing it to the side. “Have fun babes” Nancy says. Robin and Jonathan both cannon ball into the pool making a huge splash. You all giggle and start splashing each other.

The night goes on and you end up getting out of the pool for good around 7 or 8. Everyone had left but Robin, Steve,Eddie, and you were there. As you exit the pool retrieving your towel and wrapping it around your waist creating a little knot on the side still revealing some of your hip. “I’m gonna go get a water do you guys need anything?” You ask walking towards the door. They answer no so you go in. As you got the water bottle your phone went off so you decided to check it. As you were scrolling through social media, you didn’t even hear anyone enter the house. “Hey princess” is all you hear from close behind you making you jump and yelp. “What the fuck Eddie” you turn around ready to slap him when you are faced with Eddie and Steve towering over you. It was always intimidating when anyone taller was towering over you but two, sexy, shirtless, men. “Oh hi guys, whatcha doin’ ” you ask as your voice pitched higher showing signs of nervousness. “Nice tits” Eddie says earning a nudge from Steve. “What happened to a subtle approach” he mumbles. “What he’s trying to say is you look good and we couldn’t keep our eyes off of you” Steve says softly. “You practically have us drooling over you” Eddie states pushing his body closer to you. You were cornered in the kitchen. “So, the only logical thing to do is fuck your brains out” Steve states with smirk. “B-But what about Robin? She’s still here” you ask. “She left a couple minutes ago we told her you asked to stay the night” Eddie smiles. You blush looking down to the floor. “C’mon baby, let’s us show you how bad we want you, yeah?” Steve asks you nod obediently. “Good girl, c’mon” Eddie’s says picking you and throwing you over his shoulder making you gasp. He lands a harsh slap on your ass as does Steve making you giggle with excitement. Tonight is gonna be a fun, looooong night!

[juniperkinglet]

Okay, list of andreil & qpp!Kevin thoughts cuz I'm love them:

Nicky is convinced they're at least having threesomes. Renee gently reminds him how bad he's been at guessing his teammates' sexualities and relationships lately.

Kevin is the only person andreil feel comfortable doing pda in front of. Everyone else is always shocked or delighted or affronted when they see it, but Kevin truly does not care or acknowledge it either way, and that's liberating. Sometimes people hold hands or whatever, he really doesn't see what the big deal is.

Andrew and Neil are the only people who don't drain Kevin's social battery. They can be in his space for extended periods of time and it doesn't make him feel observed or on-edge.

After they've gone pro, it's a poorly kept secret that the "guest bedroom" in the Josten-Minyard residence is really just Kevin Day's second bedroom. He has duplicates of all his things and he'll stay there basically the entire off-season.

Everyone goes to Kevin to ask about developments in andreil's relationship, and he's stopped doing the dance of "why are you asking me" because he always has the answer. He will complain about it tho.

When it gets to be around the anniversary of Riko's death, anxiety weighs on Kevin like a physical force. Andrew and Neil will instinctively adjust accordingly. They'll make sure he's eating, do late night practices with him when he can't sleep, make sure he isn't getting into any alcohol. Just stay in his space to keep him grounded and show him he isn't alone. None of them would ever verbally communicate that, but they don't need to.

Kevin keeps getting asked when he's gonna start dating again. He says managing Andrew and Neil are a full-time job. (And doing so is a lot better than dating, but he doesn't have the energy to try explaining that one)

[aledethanlast]

The mental image of Neil occasionally coming up to Kevin and Jean and saying Ichirou has a message for them is kinda funny. I doubt Ichirou would discuss jack over the phone, so this man has to drive all the way down to PSU—somewhere he can very easily talk to Kevin—to tell Neil what Kevin and Jean must do and then Neil has to go find Kevin and pass on Ichirou’s message, he’s gotta contact Jean and pass on the message to Jean/arrange an in-person meeting with Jean to talk, and then he’s gotta go all the way back to where Ichirou is to tell Ichirou that Kevin and Jean are following orders. It is the most exhausting game of telephone imaginable. Also, when Neil graduates, Ichirou probably still uses him as the messenger so he’s gotta go to wherever Neil is staying and then Neil has to pass on the message to the other two. The frequent flyer miles must be insane

So obviously part and parcel with the "80% of your earnings forever" deal is the implied "you're gonna do your best to maximize those earnings." This isn't really a shocker or a deal breaker since it's pretty much the obvious move for everyone involved.

However. Being a professional athlete is not the same thing as being a business owner. While their performances as a whole absolutely determine their success, a bad game does not make a bad player, and a good player won't make a good season, and sponsorships come and go according to the ever shifting winds of marketing, and on the whole having a stable career, much less a rising one, is a whole lot more complex than "line goes up."

And Ichirou knows all that, in broad strokes, but after one attempt to listen to a game commentary he decided that he would rather be shot like a lame dog than ever do that again. Holy shit that was the most boring drivel he ever heard and he has a masters degree in business management.

Which is why twice a year he summons Neil Josten to sit down and explain what, exactly, all those little updates he keeps sending actually mean.

This serves multiple purposes. One, it reminds Neil of his place in the hierarchy and keeps him in line. Two, Ichirou comes to the realization a couple of years in that Neil is actually a great layperson, as he knows how to condense reports and set expectations as well as any of the rest of Ichirous direct subordinates. Third, and this ties back into the first two, he does all of this without a single ounce of the kowtowing or ass kissing he gets from the rest of the moriyama tributaries.

Ichriou isn't sure what it is with Neil... okay that's a lie. Neil Josten is interesting because he's the only person in this house who seems to have gotten exactly what he wanted and will sooner knock the sun out of orbit than slack off or overstep. He wonders sometimes what Neil would have been like as his father's heir. Calm. Collected. Perhaps not as violent but quietly efficient.

Once, for fun or curiosity, Ichirou asked him what he would do if he were deposed as the head of the family. He forgets what Neil's answer was, only that it was satisfactorily polite. What he remembers is that first look in Neil's eye, that split second of indignity that Ichirou ever possibly assumed that Neil would care if he lived or died.

Ichirou resolves to never give him an excuse to care.

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Right Person, Wrong Time

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader, Sam Winchester x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.1k

Warnings: angst, marrying someone you're not in love with, feeling sad at your wedding

Summary: Spencer had half a decade to confess his feelings for you but never did. You moved on to someone who loves you for you, who treats you like a queen, and who takes care of you. Spencer has one more chance to tell you how he feels before you're married, but does he take it?

Square Filled: sam winchester (spnxcm crossover) for @fandombingo

Author’s Note: this is a supernatural x criminal minds crossover

x

This should be the happiest day of your life. You should be celebrating with your bridesmaids, drinking champagne, and having a good time together. They are, you aren’t. You’re standing on the small platform in front of the three-piece mirror staring at yourself in your wedding dress while your bridesmaids are sitting in the middle of the room having a good time.

JJ, Penelope, Emily, Charlie, Jo, and Eileen have no clue what you’re feeling right now. They expect happiness, happy tears, and being jittery for your upcoming wedding. Instead, you’re thinking about how you got here and if there was anything you could have done differently.

The man you’re marrying today isn’t the one you truly want to marry.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” JJ asks when she notices you staring into the void.

“Nothing,” you snap out of it. “Is everyone here?”

Since JJ is your maid of honor, she is in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly for you. She grabs the clipboard and looks over the roster.

“Spencer hasn’t checked in.”

That makes your heart twist painfully.

“Well, we can’t wait for him to show up. The show must go on!” Charlie declares, earning agreement from the other women. 

Someone knocks on the door and Derek pops his head in.

“The music is starting. Time to go.”

All of your bridesmaids have one of your fiance’s groomsmen to walk down the aisle with. JJ is with Will, Penelope is with Kevin, Charlie is with Dean, Eileen is with Castiel, Jo is with Spencer, and Emily is with Derek. Spencer isn’t here to walk Jo down the aisle but she doesn’t seem all that worried.

“Don’t worry, I’ll go find Rossi,” she says and leaves the room.

Everyone shuffles out of the room to get ready but you stay where you are by the mirror. You’re marrying such an amazing man who loves you for you. You should be happy right now. Derek closes the door behind him and walks up behind you so he can look at you through the reflection.

“Are you doing okay?”

You bite your lower lip to keep yourself from crying. If there is anyone who knows how you’re feeling, it’s Derek. He’s your best friend. You tell him everything.

“Spencer isn’t here,” you whisper.

“No, no tears. You’re marrying Sam.”

“I know,” you nod.

You’d rather be marrying Spencer instead. For years, you’ve pined after Spencer. It started when you first got hired into the BAU and he showed you around for a whole week. He knew you had a thing for him even though you never outright told him you did. It was all in the little things you did for him like you’d make his coffee every morning, you’d compliment him more than the other ladies, you’d do anything to keep a smile on his face, and you’d bring him presents whenever you were thinking about him.

He never did anything with that information. He knew you had a thing for him but never made a move.

One day, you were working a case and ran into Sam and Dean Winchester who were on the same case but as hunters. Sam was the perfect gentleman and treated you with nothing but respect. He never did this before, but he asked for your number because he had to keep in touch with you even when he and Dean left for another case. At first, you were skeptical because you were so hung up on Spencer.

After the first date with Sam, you saw him as someone you could have feelings for. The more you went on dates with him, the more you started to like who he was as a person. Spencer still hadn’t made a move on you so what is the harm in moving forward with your relationship with such an amazing man?

After the first year, you allowed yourself to really love Sam. When Sam asked you to marry him, you had to say yes. Spencer was nowhere near confessing his feelings for you and you’re sick and tired of waiting for something that might happen. He loves you, he treats you like a queen, and you really do love him.

You’re just not in love with him. You’re in love with Spencer but the last thing you’re gonna do is tell him and Sam about this. If Spencer loved you in the way you did, he would have confessed to you a long time ago.

So, here you are on your wedding day and Spencer isn’t even here.

You prepare yourself and head to the double doors where your dad is patiently waiting for you. The bridesmaids and groomsmen have already walked down the aisle so now they’re all eagerly waiting for you.

“Are you ready?” your dad asks.

“More than ever.”

Your smile doesn’t quite reach your ears. The music starts and your dad walks you down the aisle. Sam smiles widely when he sees you, and his eyes hold so much love for you. It’s really unfair how you’re feeling. Sam is such an amazing man who loves you and you should be happy to marry him. You are but knowing Spencer isn’t here makes this less than what it is.

You meet Sam at the front of the altar and smile up at him. The minister begins the ceremony. It goes as smoothly as possible until he gets to the part where people can object.

“Speak now if you object, or forever hold your peace.”

You scan the room at all of your guests. All of them are happy you’re marrying someone you absolutely love. There in the back is Spencer who must have come in after the ceremony started. He’s watching you with red eyes like he’d been crying. You lock eyes with him and question if he’s going to say anything. 

He doesn’t.

The minister moves on and finishes the ceremony quickly.

“Sam Winchester, you may now kiss the bride.”

Sam pulls you in and kisses you just as the entire room erupts in cheers. Everyone but Spencer claps happily for the newlywed couple. Everyone moves to the reception area to enjoy good food, good music, and each other’s company.

“Everyone, may I present to you, Sam and Y/N Winchester. Make way for the first dance.”

Everyone clears the dancefloor so you and Sam can have this special moment to yourselves. Sam pulls you in close and slow dances to the song you picked as “Your Song”. Sam twirls you in his arms and pulls you in close to his chest. You look up at him and smile widely to show him how happy you are with him.

You put your head on his chest and look by the snack table to see Spencer standing there watching you and Sam dance with such sad eyes. You quickly look away from him and enjoy the moment you’re in.

There’s a soulmate for everyone but sometimes not everyone gets to be with them.

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 24

PREVIOUS

“What do you MEAN Smithy is in the hospital with a stab wound to his stomach?!” Nicky’s own voice is agony for his hangover but honestly, how the fuck else was he supposed to respond when he had asked Andrew where FF was and gotten that as a response.

“Calm down.” Andrew says and he looks tired, looks stressed, and maybe even just…a touch nervous?

Nicky isn’t as good as Neil at reading Andrew Minyard. He doesn’t think anyone will ever be as fluent in the language of Andrew Minyard as Neil Josten but Nicky has picked up some key phrases.

He can see when he’s making a joke that is a step too far. He can see when his cousin wants to kiss Neil but is holding back. He can see when his cousin is stressed.

He can see a guilty curve to Andrew’s spine.

“Andrew, answer me honestly, did you stab my sweet baby freshman?” Nicky asks and he’s not sure if the nausea he feels anymore is from horror or from the sheer number of drinks he had put in his system the night before.

Roland usually cuts him off before he gets this level.

Roland also has a habit of pouring heavier when he’s stressed.

Roland also also tends to make complicated fruity drinks that Nicky likes when he’s stressed.

Andrew’s jaw tenses but it’s Neil who speaks up, “It was an accident. It happened during a fight.” Neil says and Nicky throws his hands up in the air.

“You got into a FIGHT with my sweet baby freshman? Sweet little Smithy? The boy who made brownies that made me feel kinda straight for a dead woman?!” Nicky exclaims and sees Andrew and Neil open their mouths to say something but, “I promised him that if he wanted I’d get him something hard that’d mess his GUTS up but this isn’t what I MEANT.” He lets himself collapse dramatically over the table.

“Nicky, shut up!” Kevin hisses from his spot on the couch.

“When the fuck did Kevin get here?!” Because seriously, how fucked up was Nicky last night that he doesn’t remember Kevin coming on this Columbia trip? Where’d he sit? He couldn’t really remember coming over after Thanksgiving. Had Andrew put Kevin in the trunk? Had Andrew put Nicky in the trunk?

“He came with Wymack.” Neil cut in before Nicky started testing reality. “Wymack is at the hospital since he’s…uh…he’s the…”

“Medical Power of Attorney” Andrew answers.

“Yes! Thank you, the Medical power of attorney for Smith. He needed surgery and Wymack wanted to be nearby in case he had to make any pressing decisions.” Neil explains and yeah that tracks, he knows a little bit about FF’s family and knows that aside from his grandma on his dad’s side the rest can go take a long walk off a short volcano observation platform

“Okay, that explains why Kevin is here….how?! Despite all of the unwarranted advice, Kevin is not a medical professional.” Nicky says before turning to Kevin, “So Kevin, what insane Exy-related reason are you here? Don’t lie and say it’s because you want to sign the get well soon card.” He hisses.

“Fuck you!” Kevin spits, “I need to know how long Smiths is going to be out of commission and what his PT is going to look like. He was supposed to be starting during the spring season.” Kevin growls.

“There it is!” Nicky throws up his hands.

“Nicky, just calm down!” Neil pleads.

“How can I stay calm? Andrew stabbed Smithy! So not only is my favorite freshman in the hospital Andrew’s going to end up back on those god forsaken meds again!” Nicky shouts and buries his face in his hands.

“Smith isn’t going to say that.” Andrew’s voice is calm but Nicky can hear the slight edge.

“Oh yeah?” Nicky asks because he could see FF promising to never mention who stabbed him if Andrew would just spare his life. FF was going to be even MORE of a disaster when it came to his anxiety around Andrew. Nicky wouldn’t be surprised if his friend just straight up dropped out after this. His cousin is safe but he’s absolutely going to lose his friend.

“Because he’s saying Romero Malcolm stabbed him.” Andrew finishes.

Nicky sits up.

“Wait, what?” Nicky asks.

“Last night Romero Malcolm was at Eden’s.” Neil says voice even in a way that lets Nicky know that he’s trying to stay calm, “Smith recognized him, heard he wanted to grab,” Neil swallows thickly, “…grab one of my friends and saw them looking at…” Neil trails off and looks to Andrew who shakes his head, “…around for someone to grab.” Neil seems to decide and Nicky knows when something is being hidden from him but he’s more interested in the story than what Neil is hiding at the moment, “He got Romero’s attention so that he wouldn’t do anything bad in Eden’s and let Roland know to call help. He went out alone into the alley but Romero didn’t follow him.” Neil explains.

“Oh thank god.” Nicky sighs.

“Because he’d alerted Jackson Plank was lying in wait to ambush him.” Neil continues.

“Oh dear god.” Nicky exclaims.

“He uh…” Neil looks to Andrew who shakes his head again, “okay we don’t know exactly HOW Smith managed to do it but he beat Jackson up pretty bad.” Neil explains.

Nicky feels his brain stop working.

He has watched FF trip over his own feet, walk into four different trees, and almost sprain his ankle walking across a flat surface. He knows FF has been watching self-defense videos and had even gotten some pointers from Matt but even Matt had told him his better bet was probably just to yell “WOW WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE?!”, point behind the attacker, and run as fast as humanly possible away from a fight.

Neil is still talking.

Nicky boots back up quickly.

“…a gun. He tackled Romero into Andrew and Andrew’s knife ended up in Smith’s stomach on accident while they were wrestling for the gun. Smith is the one who said he’s going to tell everyone who asks that it was Romero. He even said it to me.” Neil says with an awkward laugh.

“And you believed him.” Andrew says and there’s warmth in his cousin’s eyes as he looks at Neil and teases him.

“And I believed him.” Neil confirms.

“Okay, so you swear to me that you did not INTENTIONALLY stab my BFF?” Nicky asks looking at Andrew seriously.

“BFF, seriously?” Kevin asks.

“Best Freshman Friend.” Nicky answers quickly, “Don’t worry Kevin, you lose out to Matt in all regards for my Best Senior Friend.” He says.

Kevin just flips him off but Nicky turns his attention back to Andrew, “Andrew, I need to hear it.” He says .

“I did not intentionally stab Smith.” Andrew confirms.

Nicky lets the horrified nausea leave him with only his hangover nausea.

“Okay, we can work with that.”  Nicky leans back. “Have you heard from that Agent?” he asks looking at Neil.

Neil nods but then looks nervous and shoots a look towards Kevin, “The FBI is sending Browning and a field office agent to talk with us but…Ichirou also contacted me.” He says and Nicky watches as Kevin perks up.

“He did?!” Kevin squawks looking around like he expected the head of the Moriyama family to appear from the shadows.

“He wants to make sure we do our part to keep the Moriyama name out of this. He is going to deal with Romero and Jackson himself.” Neil says looking nervous.

Nicky clenches his eyes shut, “Well you’re not going to mention them right?” he hears Kevin ask.

“Of course not Kevin.” Nicky hears Andrew hiss.

“Good.” Kevin says.

There’s silence in the wake of Neil’s statement.

Nicky takes a deep breath and wishes his head was a little less agonizing. “Why aren’t we at the hospital to see Smithy?” he asks because he has nothing he can do about Ichirou so he may as well put it out of his mind.

There is some grumbling.

“Wymack said that he’ll just make us sit in the waiting room without any updates.” Neil says. “We’re picking up Smith’s grandma from the airport and she’s our ticket to getting an actual update beyond ‘not dead yet’ from Wymack.” He adds.

“What, you really can’t get updates without Wymack?” Nicky asks.

Andrew looks at Nicky and Nicky can’t read a single thing his cousin is thinking.

“What’s Smith’s first name Nicky.” Andrew asks.

“Oh God fucking Dammit.” Nicky’s head hurts too bad for this.

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

NEXT

Per your requests:

@i-have-three-feelings

 @blep-23 @dreamerking27 @andreilsmyreligion @belodensetdust @rainbowpineapplebottle @yarn-ace @iwouldlikesometea @lily-s-world @obscureshipsandchips @booklover242 @whataboutmyfries @sahturnos @pluto-pepsi @dreamerthinker @passinhosdetartaruga @leftunknownheart @aro-manita-muscaria @hologramsaredead @Chaoticgremlinswishtheycouldbeme @tntwme @tayspots @nick-scar @crazy-fangirl2524 @blue-jos10 @stabbyfoxandrew @splishsplashyouropinionistrash @sammichly @the-broken-pen @bitchesdoweknowu @very-small-flower @ghostlyboiii @its-a-paxycab @bisexual-genderfluid-fan @cheesecookie @theoneandonlylostsock @foxsoulcourt @blueleys @adverbialstarlight @elia-nna @can-i-just-stay-in-the-corner @nikodiangel @foxandcrow-inatrenchcoat @hallucinatedjosten @satanic-foxhole-court @vexingcosmos @chalilodimun @insectsgetcooked @angry-kid-with-no-money @queer-crows @lillyndra @themundanemudperson @readertodeath @apileofpillows @mortalsbowbeforeme @hellomynameismoo @next-level-mess @youreonlylow @interstellarfig @notprocrastinatingatalltoday @percyjacksonfan3 @queenofcrazy27 @bsmr261 @ghostlyscares @spencellio @adinthedarkroom @harpymoth @sufferingjustalilbit @anxietymoss @oddgreyhound @ohno-myhyperfixation-itsbroken @ken22789 @atiredvampire @isoldescorner @not--a--pipedream @azure-wing @bushbees  @roonilwazlib-main @crumplelush @foldedaces-paperbirds @thesenseinnonsense @let-tyrants-fear @ketchupandfries @legowerewolf @deadlydodos @but-we-respect-his-craft @cariniqe @zanypersonapricotbiscuit @lesbian-blackbeard @lesbiansupernatural @silvermasquerade @thepeachfuzz @minniemariex @kazoo-the-demjin @gaypomegranate @ji-nk-ies @neilimfinejosten @omgrubelangel @itsyouitsmeorpheuseurydice @percabethotplove @cozyrosykay @foxyatlas​

The requests to be added to the tag list keep being spread out across a few different areas. If I missed you please just ask again in the replies I promise I just missed you.

As stated before if you’re up here and I spelled it right but you didn’t get a notification there might be something switched around in your settings that won’t let me tag you properly?

[simonsrosebud]

kevaaron cause why not

kevneil (both are acespec )

Matt/Nicky (I stan bi matt) Erik and Nicky are still friends but we're previously in a relationship, Erik has moved on (maybe nickys first love??)

andrew/Roland pre -series (theyre like a year apart cause I'm not sure how old Roland is but I've always thought of him to be a gay middle-aged man, but Andrew would be like underage and that's a nono)

Kandrew (acespec kevin?? Maybe on the demisexual spectrum??)

Renee/Allison/Dan or some variant/combination in the same au as Matt/Nicky

Jean/Neil , demisexual spec Neil

Kevin/Jeremy cause they were never given a chance and KEVIN I KNOW THERE'S GAY IN YOU demispec kev

Choose whichever pairing that inspires you most but PLEASE tag me in the writing cause I need more aftg in my life <3

okay i may definitely tag u if i do others but for the first one i couldn't help but do jeremy and kevin I JUST LOVE THEM

The thing about Jeremy, Kevin supposes, is that he really thinks that he could’ve been a Raven if someone had been paying attention all the way in West Virginia.  He had the same talent and stats that other strikers did when joining the line, had more of a height advantage than Riko ever did.

Being a Raven would have broken his spirit.  Kevin doesn’t think he’d ever forgive himself for that, knowing that he probably would have contributed to it at some point.

But then he wouldn’t be this, free and spirited and so fearless in showing unabashed joy.  Here, sitting in Kevin’s car, babbling on about California and how Kevin really should visit him next time so that he can show him around.  “I’m glad the sun has finally reached you,” he’s saying, “You look good with a nice tan.”  And it’s taking too much out of Kevin to keep his eyes on the road.

Jeremy’s hotel is just off campus, but it’s not far, and Kevin does have time, so he leans against the hood of the car while Jeremy lifts himself up onto it because “the height difference isn’t fair”.  It's only three inches, Kevin doesn't dare point it out. And suddenly Kevin is reaching out to smooth his fingers through Jeremy’s hair, soft and smooth and golden in the setting sun.

“Maybe it’s all this hair weighing you down,” he says.

Jeremy smiles, wide and lopsided and lazy, and leans into his touch.  “Never.  The hair is part of my charm.”

Kevin settles his hand on the hood of the car, then, all long legs and tall torso leaning so casually, and he’s pretty sure Jeremy’s eyes linger on his arms for a second longer than normal.  It makes his chest fluttery, so he says, “That’s what I used to tell Jean.”

And oh, Jeremy lights up.  “Yeah?  He tells me it’s unbearable.”

“He’s an idiot.”  Why would anyone ever say that?  “I used to talk about you a lot… in the Nest.”  He doesn’t really know why he says it other than he and Jeremy won’t be in the same place forever and Neil told him to stop holding back just because he’s scared of getting a letter in the mail from Ichirou himself.  So long as you send them their money and stay out of jail, your free time is your own.

With the way Jeremy preens at his confession, he thinks it’s the right call, anyway.  He taps Kevin’s closest finger with his pinky.  “What, about exy?”

“No.”

Surprise.  “Oh.”  Jeremy’s skin is honey gold and bronzed from the constant California sun, but Kevin’s never seen him sunburned.  The tinge of pink on his cheeks may be as close as he’ll get.  “Can I tell you something embarrassing?”

Oh no.  Kevin steels the lead in his stomach.  “Sure, anything.”  He can feel it coming, the inevitable, I feel flattered, you know, but I just don’t-

“I used to have a poster of you in my bedroom at home.” 

God, this was even worse.

“But I took it down once my older brother caught me kissing it goodnight before bed.”

Oh…?

Kevin opens his mouth, but doesn’t know what to say.  Instead, a smirk starts taking over his lips.  “You had… You used to kiss me?  Every night?”

Jeremy’s blush has traveled the length of his neck, but at least he laughs softly.  “Until I was, like, almost sixteen, yeah.”  Kevin taps his pinky finger back.  “Now I just do it in my head.”

Pause.

Kevin whips his head back up, shock surely coating his face.  “You what?”

And Jeremy’s face falls.  “I-I just mean- sorry, I didn’t- oh god, I just made this super,” he slides off the hood of the car, “awkward.  That’s not- I just meant that, like-“

Kevin grabs his hand when he gets too far.  Jeremy freezes, but doesn’t dare move.  Kevin works on his words, lets his mouth fish open while he tries forming them, and eventually says, “If I had a poster of you,” he frowns, “I’d, um…” he looks up at Jeremy, vulnerable and confused and maybe, possibly, the least bit hopeful.  “I’d kiss you goodnight, too.”

Grinning, now, Jeremy lets his hand fall further into Kevin’s, and gives it two squeezes.  “You can, you know,” he whispers.  He meets Kevin’s eyes slowly.  “If you want.”

Nothing could stop the jackhammering in Kevin’s chest, or the rushing of blood in his ears from how red his face probably is, but Jeremy’s voice comes through right as rain regardless.  He gives his hand a tug, pulling Jeremy closer, and steps towards him so that he has to look down at him.  Those three inches are going to kill him.

But Kevin must be taking too long, because then Jeremy’s hand is sliding up the side of his neck and pulling him down, and Kevin’s hands go flying to his sides, falling into the dip of his waist and wishing they could run up along his skin.  Jeremy sighs a bit into his mouth and drags his tongue along Kevin’s bottom lip, and then Kevin is pulling him closer until their chests are flush and his hands can slide underneath the thin t-shirt, hand splaying on Jeremy’s lower back and wanting to curl itself into the skin there.

Jeremy’s tongue is warm and slick and Kevin tries not to be embarrassed when he moans lightly into his mouth.  It makes Jeremy smile against his mouth, which really is Kevin’s own fault because he did not want this kiss to end.  Jeremy tucks back in for one more kiss, shorter but sweeter, his fingers gently scratching at Kevin’s scalp, and searches Kevin’s face from only inches apart when Kevin subtly tilts his head into his hand.

“I kinda had one more embarrassing thing,” Jeremy pants a little, a warm smile poking through, and god, everything about him is warm and sweet, so so sweet.  His skin underneath his shirt is warm like a fresh batch of cookies; tongue like a melted marshmallow daring to fall apart in your mouth;  smile like a rainbow after a hot summer shower and disposition of one that reminds Kevin of his mother’s comfort, of Abby’s hugs and his father’s safety.

Jeremy himself is a son of Apollo, Kevin is sure of it.

But Kevin doesn’t trust his own voice, right now, so he just nods and hums in encouragement.  He holds Jeremy close more decidedly, taking advantage of the contact and flattening his palms along the bare skin of his back and waist below his shirt.  He thinks for a moment it sends shivers down Jeremy’s spine.

For this, though, Jeremy goes up on his tip toes and tilts Kevin’s head to grant him his ear.  He nips at it, first, sending a shiver down Kevin’s spine, and says, “You’ve been number one on my list since I was fourteen.”

“God.”  It’s not intentional, but Kevin doesn’t even care at this point.  He’s heard all about these lists from Nicky.  He knew what it meant.

Jeremy laughs, quiet and contained and goofy, and props his elbows on Kevin’s shoulders to shelter them in.  “Would you like to come up to my room?”

[adonisdoesstuff]

SPOOKY MONTH DATING HEADCANONS

AN: Some characters are gonna be OOC but i tried to work with what i had, also sorry if it was cringe. The reader is gender neutral.

┆Bob Velseb

• Would stare at you with his creepy smile 90% of his time.

• Would always want to cook for you, it's better you watch out for human meat in his burgers.

• Will tell you facts about wholesome human body related facts. . . they slowly grow darker.

• Sleepy? Ask him to use his belly as a bed and he would 100% agree to it.

• He's obsessed with you, which in the start seem to be just him protecting you but don't mistake that, he will kill a lot of people for you.

• He is very touchy, careful, he bites. . . a lot. He also likes to hold you closer to him, to the point where you could suffocate in his chest. • Will try to taste your body but will be careful to not hurt or "ruin" it. He considers you the perfect thing that exists. • He will do whatever you ask (expect breaking up with him.) • His kisses are more instense. . . because he NEEDS to feel you. • He likes to tease you, a lot, it is his way of flirting. • Would give you food related nicknames. • Movie night, expect that to be animated movie, like it or not, this will be his choice. • Bob loves you very much, you can't stress this guy, believe me. It's not because he would get really mad, it is because he can't be stressed at you.

┆Streber & Kevin

• They would always worry about you, expect them to call you like 4-5 times in the day • They love to go out in the weekends with you, like watch a movie, eat ice cream or that photos together in public. • Kevin always talk about how he hates two specific children ruin the CandyClub in halloween. • Streber would talk about vampire related facts to you, get used to it. • Halloween night is Streber's cup of tea. • Streber would ask you to help him with the decorations and it depends on you to agree. • Kevin and Streber are very clingy towards each other but don't get to feel left out here, they will be very clingy with you too. • Streber likes the idea of role-playing as a vampire in real life, it is silly but you and Kevin let him do the playing. • When Kevin is very tired after work, he will hug you from behind only to "regain" his energy. • Kevin likes to give sweet and loving kisses while Streber tends to be more "expressive" with his kisses. • Kevin is a scaredy-cat when it comes about you getting sick, Streber is no different but Kevin makes sure that you feel better right there. • Kevin is not very talkative, so he tries to express himself by physical touch. • Streber is very talkative, he likes to talk a lot, sometimes it can be a little bit exhausting. • They love you very much and they will do their best to make you feel part of the relationship.

┆Rick Hedony

• He didn't talk much when you two went to your first date, but he tried his best to get to know you. • Rick is very depressed, you get really worried about him most of the time but he makes sure that he's okay. • Rick likes drinking and will invite you to drink with him. • You two quickly start meaningful conversations when you two are alone. • He calls you to make sure you're okay. "Hello?" You ask. "Just wanted to see if you're still alive." He says. "Yep, how about you?" You ask again. "I think so." He says. "Good to know." You say. • He used to quit his job easily but since you came into his life, he felt a bit more motivated to stay. • When he comes from work he walks towards you, only to give you a hug, sometimes he falls asleep on you, which is cute. • He lets you hold his face, he just stares at you with the same tired eyes. When you play with his "whiskers" he will let a small side smile, still with his tired eyes. • He falls asleep on you, he's very warm. • He likes to hug you a lot, get used to it. • The kisses are slow but affectionate, he just wants to keep you. • He also likes to hear you about your day has been. • He likes to brag about you everytime he gets the chance, how "lucky" he was to have you in his life. • Rick loves you very much, it may not seem like It because of his emotionless personality but he means it when he says you're very important to him. He's doing his best to make you feel loved.

┆Frank

• Frank likes to act cool and tough and that actually works. • Would give you free Ice cream, don't worry, those are not infected, he wouldn't do that to you. • Frank likes to hold your face with his big hands. • Oh yeah, his hands, they're big and cold but still comforting somehow, you can't help but hold them. • Frank is careful when comes to his size, he tries to not hurt you when you two are making out. • About the making you, you guys do it a lot, he is even going to stop his shifts when you want it. "Hey! can i get a Ice cream?!" A kid asks from outside. "WE'RE CLOSED!" Frank shouts angrly before going back to making out with you. • He asks about what type of kiss you would like to try and he's good at every single one of them. • You spend most of the time in his van. • Frank lets you use his sweater, he likes your smell on it. • Movie nights are always in the theater, he makes sure you both get the biggest popcorn bucket. • Frank is willing to throw hands with somebody if they raised their voice to you, you have to make sure a fight isn't worth it. • Frank also flirts a lot with you, he uses his huge size to his advantage and you totally fall for it. • He likes it when you shave his beard in the morning. • Frank also loves you very much, he can be emotionally distant sometimes but he does his best to make you sure that he loves you, even if he doesn't directly says it.

[zmediaoutlet]

Dean pulls off the highway just past Omaha, some suburb Sam doesn’t catch the name of because he’s been reading on his phone, because they haven’t been talking. He looks up in time to catch the off-ramp, the Taco Bell, the Kum & Go that ordinarily Dean would make a crack about, purely to make Sam roll his eyes. There’s no crack. The car pulls into a gas island and turns off and the driver door—just closes, doesn’t slam, but there’s no discussion of anyone grabbing coffee or Ho-Hos or jerky for the road. Just like the last 450 miles from Wisconsin, there’s no discussion at all.

Sam watches in the side mirror while the c-store door opens, closes. Chews the inside of his cheek. Opens up his contacts and finds Garth’s new number, and texts: Want to make sure you know you can ask us for help if you need it, because he has no idea how Dean left it in that house, when Sam was standing outside not wanting to lean on the Impala, not knowing when he’d get back into it again. Not long before a ping: Happy to hear you say that, amigo! Feels better knowing you and Dean have my back. :)  Sam snorts. In the side-mirror, Dean’s coming back out of the store, and he doesn’t look up while he takes the nozzle off the pump, slots it into the back of the car. He sits on the trunk with his arms folded and Sam looks at the back of his head and then out the windshield, instead. Late in the day. He should be more tired but he’s not. He doesn’t know what he is. His phone pings, again: I really am sorry about how things went down. Nothing I can do can make up for leaving Kevin alone, but let me know if I can help with anything.

Sam swallows. Will do, he texts back, and as he hits send Dean gets back into the car. He glances at Sam’s phone but doesn’t ask. “I’m gonna get a motel room,” he says. His jaw flexes. “Unless—”

“Fine,” Sam says, although it’s not. He wants to go back to the bunker. Wants his own room, wants the cold concrete dark, wants those long hallways that make it feel like there’s a mile between them, even if—three weeks ago—but three weeks ago was a different world, wasn’t it. He didn’t know what was actually living there in the dark with them. What was in him, what Dean had done.

The Corn Queen, rooms $99 a night. Dean idles in front of the office. “Should I get two?” he says, and then clears his throat. “Rooms, I mean. Not—”

A king bed, curling around Dean’s back in the warm, the smell of his hair in the morning. Sam’s stomach hurts. Why did he get back in the car. “I’ll get it,” Sam says, and he does slam the door when he gets out, but he has to get—out, away, and he isn’t polite with the clerk at the desk and he’ll feel bad about that later but the misery of this day is really just catching up with him. How impossible this is going to be. He can’t hate Dean because he just—can’t—but he can’t trust him—but trusting him is fired into his bones, cast in from when he was a kid, when he always wanted to make his own way and find his own answers and live his own life, but he knew in some deep place past conscious decision or thought that if he needed his brother, he would be there. He could reach out and Dean’s hand would grip his and it would be—if not okay, then at least better. He can’t be certain of that, anymore, and even if he can’t hate Dean it’s like the emergency exit door has been ripped off the plane and all the oxygen’s streaming out and there’s no mask to put on, there’s nothing to help.

It’s a motel room. There are two beds. Dean drops his bags on the one closest to the door and folds both of his hands over the back of his neck. He hasn’t shaved in a few days. With his eyes closed he looks as tired as Sam’s ever seen him. Sam wants, and doesn’t, and thinks of how that’s just going to—keep happening. How he’s going to look at Dean and from his marrow will come this innate impulse, and then he’ll remember, and his gut will sour and his heart will beat cold and his hands will stay empty. He dumps his own bags on the other bed. “I’m going to shower,” he says. For something to say.

Dean’s hands drop from the back of his neck. “Yeah,” he says, colorless. Sam shuts himself into the bathroom. Weeks or months or maybe the rest of a life, like this. His hand flexes against his thigh and he breathes out until his lungs are empty. Hollow, still. In his head he commits a murder without knowing and Dean’s hands are pleading on his face and when he opens his eyes he’s in a bathroom, in Nebraska somewhere, alone. His heart pumps sick in the pit of his throat.

Something thuds, loud, out in the room. Sam swallows. He takes a shower.

[yannig]

One of us has to make it

Okay so @kimkhimhant

I said I had Neil thoughts to share so here is the one I can’t get out of my head right now.

When Neil decides to stay, his reasoning is “One of us has to make it”. Kevin and him can’t both loose to the mafia, and if someone wins it’s clearly not gonna be Neil, so it might as well be Kevin, and he can’t leave until he knows Kevin will be okay.

"One of us has to make it, Mom." It wasn't going to be Neil. It was obvious he was too stupid to survive without his mother if he let himself get into messes like this. But maybe Kevin could do it. Maybe he'd get through this somehow, riding his talent and Andrew's psychotic obsession and Wymack's fierce protection. Maybe he'd get through this season on the Foxes' roster and be safe. He'd recover and he'd be free. Neil couldn't leave until he knew Kevin would be okay. He didn't want to find out from half the world away.

So Neil decides to stay, decides that making sure Kevin gets out is worth putting himself at risk of being found by the mafia he’s been fleeing for the last 8 years. Because one of them has to make it.

And I think that this logic is actually what fuels a lot of the characters in Aftg, and helps understand a lot of what happens afterwards.

A number of characters are trying to protect everyone else from their own worst nightmare.

Because someone has to make it, and if it won’t be themselves, might as well save someone else.

They all have this one thing that almost killed them, either because they couldn’t protect themselves from it, or because they couldn’t have it.

Neil's thing here is of course the mafia, and protecting others from it even though he was running from them for 8 years is what is going to fuel him later, when he agree to go to the Nest to protect Andrew, and when he follows his father’s men in Baltimore to protect the Foxes.

Andrew is pretty much the same, except his thing is bodily autonomy. He might not be able to protect himself against his rapists or abusers, past or present, but nobody will touch anyone under his care. That’s him killing Tilda for Aaron, his deals with everyone (Neil, Kevin, Aaron), protecting Nicky at the bar, getting himself in juvie so Drake won’t get anywhere near Aaron.

Kevin is a bit more complicated because his worst nightmare is loosing his reason to live (aka Exy), so he’s trying to give other people a reason to live. That’s his deal with Andrew (finding him a reason to live), and that’s why he picks Neil in the first place, because he sees him and understand that Exy is the only thing he has left (“You play like you have everything to lose.”)

Nicky’s thing is family, both as the thing he couldn’t protect himself from (his family hating him) and the thing he couldn’t have (a loving family). So he’s both trying to protect Andrew and Aaron from his own shitty family, and trying to give them a good one. That’s why he flies back from Germany when Tilda dies, and that’s why he stays when the twins get into Uni (they are 18 now, they’re independent, he could leave, except Andrew negotiates a scholarship for him, and he couldn’t be asking Nicky to stay any louder), because they might not need protection anymore but they still need love.

I’m not too sure what to make of Aaron. He might be about solitude/abandonment issues, since his deal his to stay at Andrew’s side. Also everything about his mother, from her abandoning both her twins but only coming back Aaron, to Andrew killing her. So he might have something going on about not living Andrew alone ever again, because Aaron knows how much solitude and abandonment can hurt. In which case him killing Drake is even more significant because it’s of course it’s him killing Andrew’s abuser the way Andrew killed Tilda, but it’s also him showing up and not letting Andrew go through this trauma alone the way he did before.

I’m not too sure about the rest of the Foxes, but a few trow-away ideas:

Renee is about getting out of her gang, which she might be doing when getting Jean out of Evermore

Wymack is about second (and nth) chances. He either got a second chance that saved him, or he never did and it almost killed him. Hence the Foxes.

Idk yet about the others, will have to re-read the books with this analysis in mind.

Hypothesis: while the Monsters are still facing their worst nightmares, the Upperclassmen have mostly overcome them already. So for them it might be more a “becoming the person you needed when no one came” case.

Anyway my point isn’t just to point out these parallels, it’s also what they bring to the analysis of how the Foxes behave.

I believe Neil has kinda picked up on this trend. Not fully, not really consciously, but he his the one to put it into words first. And Andrew isn’t exactly subtle about his own version of it.

Problem is: both of them are being incredibly self-sacrificing about it, and it’s a very bad standard to use to judge other characters, which I believe both Neil and part of the fandom is doing.

I think it’s partly why he calls Kevin a coward that much. Because he thinks his worst nightmare is Riko, and that he’s running away from him instead of facing him. Which he would be perfectly justified to do, but it’s not true. Riko is awful, of course he is, and Kevin is terrified of him, of course he is; but Kevin was ready to stay with him forever if that meant being able to play Exy. Kevin’s worst nightmare is loosing Exy, and he’s facing that everyday he’s back on the court trying to relearn how to play, and every time he tries to get Andrew interested in Exy or to train Neil. He’s less self-sacrificing about it, so it’s a bit less obvious, but he’s still dealing with his worst fear everyday and trying to protect others from it. Considering the role the Foxes play as a team of a last-chance place, I'd argue even going to the Foxes as an assistant coach was a way to help others on top of trying to keep himself afloat.

Also explains why Neil sees Aaron as really selfish (I mean he is but). Assuming I’m right about Aaron, his version of this deal is both pretty discrete (especially when he’s being an asshole about it) and might be centered exclusively on Andrew. And also shows better self-preservation skills than Andrew and Neil (as in he isn’t trowing himself directly in front of people who want to kill him).

Might also explain why Nicky gets some level of respect from Neil for coming back for the twins (Neil acknowledges the sacrifice it was to leave Erik and his family) but definitely not as much as Andrew (because part of Nicky’s deal is also good for him, as in trying to be a family with the twins, instead of a pure sacrifice, as in leaving the family he found in Germany).

TL;DR: Not everyone is being self-sacrificing about it, but that doesn’t mean the Foxes aren’t trying to save others from their own worst nightmares. Some of them are just more subtle about it than others.