#he's even writing/written a yuri novel as one of his final books for the time being.

[sappho-knight]

hi okay yeah vent blog time

read this from an interview with fushimi and hirasaka about the state of the light novel industry (https://originalnews.nico/388202)

yomi hirasaka may be leaving the industry. and i kinda don't want them to go but like i have no stake in his life except just being sort of a parasocial reader which he probably doesn't like (wow! expectations are scary) but also. i kind of. want him to continue writing. we don't get a lot of light novel writing like his any more in the industry... or maybe i'm not familiar with anything like his work.

i like the topics he brings up and the way he tackles them... his characters are very human... i'm infinitely jealous...

the way the industry sounds structured makes me realize like damn. i kind of want to be around people like that, too. and the way they think... uuuuuuuuu..........

he's really just writing something he wants to read! he really is doing that. i'm so jealous. i wish i knew what i wanted to read (lol) but also imagine the amount of freedom you're experiencing to be able to achieve that. haganai was an absolute banger in japan, so i think he's able to comfortably(?) retire on that money, and honestly thinking about bunny girl senpai being of the same genre/vein, to me it makes sense why these light novel authors, seasoned, are able to survive. same for fushimi and oreimo. they're really living out their best lives, i think...

some part of me feels upset because. goddamn. out of all the people i have a parasocial relationship with, it has to be a middle-aged author on the other side of the world, language barriers, who has a difficult time understanding people/characters like me (me!). and not like some vtuber that's trending right now that we can speak normally of. it feels like an incredibly isolating experience to want to get to understand the author -- maybe not even know him! but maybe, just a little? -- and figure out how his brain ticks so you can continue on that trend on 'his behalf'. if not for him, then for yourself, who wants to see his type of work grow.

i think it would be nice to write, release and consider short stories, like light novels, actually. maybe they're just regular novels/fiction in english. it's not like i've tried to understand a lot of the works under the fiction section. but at the same time, i can't wrap my head around what's the trending industrial model, either. ya books? parents in the us will have my head off the moment i start talking about sexual content. japan's content curation is infinitely more lax than main areas in the west, which is kind of a bust for itself (aka problematic af) but it's kind of also beneficial (aka we get to talk about and showcase really problematic ideas and origins of those ideas).

i don't want to see mainstream ideas that flood the western universe, goddamn. that's like, no got/startrek/wars/lord of the rings/twilight/stephen king novels. i want my momentary/cyclic and maybe intriguing facets of the industry. like whatever jay zhao is doing (iron widow) [but no, i'm not interested in her content either, i do respect it though] but like. all the time.

(or is it that like romcom in the light novel industry is vastly different from how we judge romcom in western society? but that can't be it. there's something very special about yomi's writing that we're losing from him leaving the industry, and i don't have the capability of knowing why. so losing him not only feels sore, it makes me feel helpless.)

i think, for sure, i don't really care about what yomi does after he leaves the industry. i think at best i care about his wellbeing, and that whatever prospects he seeks out next be well to him. i'm just struggling and trying to process my grief for what we lose from him leaving the industry, but from like a parasocial point of view. he's going to be a pillar of my writing journey, always, but that's not his fault and i don't think he should feel guilty for going where he wants to go.

i just really, really like yomi's work a whole lot.

[fatestayyuri]

FINALLY FINISHED WARD ARC 1

thoughts under the readmore

You can say a lot about wildbow but you can't say he isn't making Choices. Actually i can say that i'm pretty sure most of this is the grim cowardice of not actually examining his biases and just writing "what comes naturally" to a liberal poisoned by toxic yuri discourse.

God, where do i even begin? how about the thing that first stuck out to me, and also the 6 other people i for some reason ushered into this Stupid Fucking Journey: the prose. the prose is bad. it's really, really bad. it stretches longer than it should and lacks the earnest charm of like. all of the VN authors i read almost entirely because it drips with flecks of irony-poisoned Marvel Ooze.The mean thing to say is that he definitely writes like he writes WAY more than he reads; the more cynical analysis i've gotten from his other work is that he's gotten into a very comfortable rut. words and descriptions drag, there's a general roughness of typos pointed out in comments untouched, and on the whole it reeks (and requires me to put on the prerequisite filters) of sloppy translation.

But that's just one facet of the writing; I am a big proponent of roughness adding to the emotional resonance of the work. I uh. The actual happenings are... certainly something, alright. It's impossible for me i think to read this outside of the context of wildbow's Amy Dallon Brain Poisoning, where the recent interviews colour my perception of his work (insisting Victoria is not a cop) for the worse. I am also unlike Wildbow Not A Liberal? so the whole spiel about Justice and Punitive Measures flies over my head. It's a bit weird since I do think the specific unreliable narrator of Victoria is a fascinating mindset to read through, and her trauma relating to her sister is rather elegantly depicted at times.

The problem is that these depictions are in fact, ruined, by my knowledge of this work as Wildbow's Hit Piece on a 17 year old lesbian. Like, i cannot stress enough how much it all falls flat considering this is Victoria's Cop Pain shown to show us that actually Amy Dallon is irredeemable. maybe if i had read worm first? idk that might make me less sympathetic to this

Oh, right! the racism! one of the ways victoria's cop brain manifests is in weird word choices like "urban" and "troublemakers" / "mischief" but like. i'm not actually sure wildbow is aware of the character he is writing, or the territory he is in? the general feel of this is one where If this was done with intentionality and a materialistic analysis of the world it could be really good! unfortunately it's written by a liberal so like. it's not.

^ why. why. why. why.

i think the way that our book club is going (where everyone reads exactly (1) of wildbow's novel) is showing me the true breadth of wildbow's uh. Beliefset? worldview? worrying tendency for race science? anyways.

I feel like there's a skeleton for a really compelling story here. I genuinely like some of the depictions of trauma, the way that parental dynamics chafe, of being treated as a burden as a patient, of being laden with a really fucked up punitive mindset. I just wish like, it wasn't these characters, and it wasn't this writer.

[popwasabi]

“They Called Us Enemy”: George Takei Recalls Interment and Its Cautionary History

Written by George Takei, Justin Eisinger, Steven Scott

Illustrated by Harmony Becker

 This past weekend I got to make my annual pilgrimage to the nerd Mecca capital of the world; San Diego Comic-Con.

It’s a fun and often exhausting experience between panel hopping to see your favorite movie or TV show actors speak and standing in line often for hours just to see them or to buy merch in the Dealer’s hall.

(At least it wasn’t hot this year.)

Every year though, somehow or another, I always meet at least one celebrity be it intentionally or accidentally. Last year I got to run into Billy West, best known for his voice acting roles on Ren &Stimpy and Futurama, the year before that it was MMA legend Josh Barnett who is a huge comic book geek and before that I met my all-time favorite TV composer Bear McCreary. This year I got to not only meet, but cross a massive name off my bucket list, in George Takei.

(^It me...)

Takei needs no introduction of course; the outspoken OG Star Trek alum is now firmly an internet personality of sorts and hugely popular figure amongst my generation and nerdom alike. But he wasn’t there at Comic-Con to talk about Star Trek or any number of Science Fiction related items to his acting past. No, this time he was here to promote his new graphic novel “They Called Us Enemy” based on a much darker period in his life; the infamous internment of Japanese Americans in concentration camps across the country during World War II.

Takei has never been shy about his opinions on politics and society and definitely very open about his time in those camps but this graphic novel helps not only shed a light on his own personal experience there and all the nuanced feelings that came from that but just how deplorable Executive Order 9066 was on American History.

Now, with the recreation of concentration camps this time along the southern border indefinitely imprisoning migrants seeking asylum in our country, Takei’s graphic novel reminds us all why this is so wrong and why we should not turn our backs again.

“They Called Us Enemy” is one-part history book detailing key events, people and often distressing quotes from our politicians on Japanese-American concentration camps but three-parts a visual and written history of Takei’s family journey from pre-WWII internment to the present. Through his parents, his father a first generation Japanese American, his mother second generation to how the events of Pearl Harbor unlawfully stripped them of their dignity, they try their best to make sense of the situation while keeping their children from baring the weight of this shameful period of history. What is an “extended vacation” for Takei and his siblings is a prolonged agonizing experience of doubt, humiliation and degradation for his parents and the toll it takes on his father especially is told through the panels of this graphic novel.

I think the most astounding thing about this graphic novel is that it isn’t especially bitter. It’s upsetting for sure, and bitter in parts, as Takei certainly wants his reader to feel how his family felt through this period in American history but he makes a point of showing how inevitably in all things in America, the wheels of justice may be slow but they do not stop moving forward as long as there are those willing to fight for it. How Takei’s family handles this humiliating and degrading experience is both brave and sad all at once. Takei, for his and his younger siblings, part are completely ignorant of the situation they’ve been forced into and his parents do their best to keep things as normal as possible for them through this ordeal treating it as a long “vacation” for them. They do this despite the fact they’ve been forcibly torn away from their homes, given no time to pack their things, given nametags like cattle and forced to sleep and live in conditions befitting of farm animals.

America may not have led anyone into death camps, during this period, as the Germans did with the Jews but as Takei points out it was still based on fear of a perceived “enemy” and still forced Japanese Americans into these horrid conditions and to do things that our constitution and Bill of Rights explicitly states against for its citizens.

But for Takei, as a child back then, it was an adventure of sorts for he and his siblings that was shielded by his parents to keep him from grasping the full scope of what was really going on. In this way, the graphic novel is somewhat bittersweet; sweet that George and his siblings through the tireless effort of their parents was able to enjoy some level of a childhood within the camps but bitter that as he grew older he finally understood why he was there.

Through Takei’s writings and Harmony becker’s wonderful illustrations we get a grasp of the simultaneous joy and pain that Takei associates with this period in his life; how his mom, when given little time to grab her own personal belongings when the soldiers came, grabbed only things for her children such as sweets and a sewing machine to fashion them new clothes in the camps as to keep their childhoods alive, and how his father helped organize camp leadership and helped lead these disillusioned Americans who had no idea what the future held or if there was a future there at all.

It was in these camps in fact that Takei discovered his love for acting and theater, as funny as that may sound, as camp members were able to show movies within its barb-wired fences. Takei would use this inspiration when his family returned to Los Angeles to become an actor down the line and eventually take up his famous role as Sulu in “Star Trek” and the reason largely was because of the camps. As the graphic novel states Gene Rodenberry (Star Trek’s original creator) wanted a show that envisioned a future where a diverse cast of people worked together for the benefit of all humanity and having an Asian American not only be present in this cast but be a resourceful, responsible lead was paramount. Takei understanding how taking on a role that could give Asian Americans agency in popular media wanted the part immediately as it could help show the country that people who looked like him weren’t the enemy.

Fifty plus years later and he is still advocating for that representation and need for diversity today.

(Being God damn fabulous at it too)

The graphic novel does lay out many things that most average Americans are probably not familiar with; the fact that much of these Japanese-Americans belongings were liquefied and sold off after they were taken from their homes, that many of them tried to join the fight against Japan after Pearl Harbor but were turned away because of their race, and of course after the US finally needed more troops they conscripted members of these very same camps, people they had openly vilified and wrongly detained, to enlist later to become the 442nd Battalion the most decorated group of its kind during World War II.

It’s again infuriating and uplifting all at once; as Takei points out the people who chose to enlist from the camps were as much patriots and heroes as those who chose not to and who could blame them? Many Japanese Americans saw it as an opportunity to prove they were indeed Americans and show the country that had wronged them that they were as patriotic as their white counterparts. For the others it was an act of civil disobedience showing that they didn’t need prove anything to the country that had turned their backs on them.

Takei’s family chose the latter in this regard and nearly lost everything in the process.

The path toward justice is often a long and degrading road for victims and the unjustly accused. For Japanese Americans during this time it took damn near half a century before reparations were made and by then many of its oldest prisoners had passed away not knowing that America had admitted their guilt. 

Its sad and if reading about this part of history and seeing what’s happening now at the border doesn’t make your blood boil, I’m not sure what will.

“They Call Us Enemy” does a great job of not only informing Americans on what happened during this time period and Takei’s very personal story in between all that, but offers a stark warning about repeating the mistakes of the past as we are now at the border. We cannot keep going with this cycle of endlessly vilifying folks for simply looking the part of “the enemy” regardless of their legal status or us being at war with countries that happen to look like them. 

I’m of the mind that people deserve inalienable rights regardless of citizenry. Locking up people and throwing away the key indefinitely and ripping children from the arms of their screaming mothers (Something we didn’t even do to Japanese Americans) without trial is FUCKING WRONG PERIOD and ill-befitting of country that self-labels itself as the “greatest” on Earth.

If we are to pretend we are the good guys in any of these types of conflicts we better start acting like it. FUCKING NAZIS in Nuremberg were given trials after World War II; you cannot tell me an “illegal” doesn’t deserve a chance at a hearing.

I’m often very angry and bitter about the state of the country these days and where we appear to be trending as a society but Takei’s book is not all doom in gloom when it comes to its warning on where we currently stand on justice. As the graphic novel states:

Our strength as a country is that we are capable of change, we are capable of becoming the pillars of democracy and justice that we profess to be through the valiant efforts of those who fight for it. Whether it was the Abolitionists of the Civil War period, Martin Luther King during the Civil Rights era or for these wrongly interred folks, Fred Korematsu, Yuri Kochiyama, Wayne Collins, or Daniel K. Inouye, we will always find a way to move forward as long as brave individuals come together to fight for what’s right.

We can be those brave individuals too, so long as we stand up, voice our disapproval and move the needle of our democracy. We still have all the power here to affect change. We cannot let the wrongs of the past continue on in our present, our democracy and the very fabric of decency, respect, and justice depend on it. Takei’s family and 120,000 plus Japanese Americans who suffered through this depend on us being better for the present and future.

Don’t turn your back on it. Not now, not ever.

[shazzeaslightnovels]

Reading Long - March 2019

Volume’s read: 12

As per usual, no spoilers unless otherwise tagged and I obtained all of these volumes in Japanese from Bookwalker.

Saenai Heroine no Sodatekata 8 by Fumiaki Maruto

A welcome breather after the last few volumes of non-stop drama. It felt a lot more like the early volumes but I enjoyed it anyway. I swear Katou’s relationship with Eriri is the true love story of this series. Even though it’s only been a couple of months since I read the first two volumes, I couldn’t help but be nostalgic about the events in them along with the characters, as if a year had really passed for me too.

Sword Art Online: Mother’s Rosario by Reki Kawahara

Since I read the interview with Kawahara Reki where he talks about wanting to write a proper yuri series someday, my interest in this series was renewed. I rewatched the anime and genuinely enjoyed the first two seasons, though I still dislike Phantom Bullet arc (mostly because GGO just doesn’t look like much fun to me) so I wanted to read some of the light novel and figured I’d start with my favorite arc.

Even though this volume doesn’t hit me as hard as it did when I read it in English as a teenager, I still really like this volume. I’m one of those people who was annoyed by how little presence Asuna has in Fairy Dance and Phantom Bullet so I always liked that this volume gives her a lot of focus. And I LOVE Yuuki. One of Kawahara’s strengths has always been his ability to make the reader care about a character with only a couple of pages. Despite how little time she has, Yuuki still means a lot to me and I love her relationship with Asuna so much. One issue I did have with this book though was how many pages at the beginning were dedicated to recount the events of previous volumes. I already know all this and I doubt there are many readers who didn’t know all this. The other issue I had with this volume is how the last chapter tries to tie the arc into the main story. It didn’t need to and I think it shifts the focus of the arc away from Asuna and Yuuki’s relationship too much. And, as much as I enjoyed reading it, I think the anime surpassed it. Aoi Yuuki’s performance as Yuuki is breathtaking and the action scenes are so brilliantly animated. I did like having more insight into Asuna’s thoughts though so if you liked this arc in the anime, definitely check out the light novel!

This volume was published in English by Yen-Press as Sword Art Online: Mother’s Rosary so check it out if you’re interested!

Saenai Heroine no Sodatekata 9 by Fumiaki Maruto

I’m not sure what to say other than that this keeps up the quality of the series? It was a good volume.

Saenai Heroine no Sodatekata: Girls Side 2 by Fumiaki Maruto

Well this was a surprisingly satisfying read. Like the first volume, this volume is split into two parts with the first part taking place after volume 8 and the second after volume 9. The first part has three stories in it all focusing on characters and relationships that don’t get much focus in the main series. For example, the first story focuses on a conversation between Michiru and Utaha who I don’t think have had a real interaction since vol. 4. Even though these stories aren’t very plot relevant, I enjoyed them anyway. The second part is much more plot relevant and has some really good character moments for Izumi, Eriri, Megumi and Michiru and also includes a guest appearance by Mayu (from Koisuru Metronome manga)! The stories here were really good and the epilogue really tied them together nicely. I’m not sure whether this volume will be necessary to understand the story of future volumes but I get the feeling that the events that happen in the volume will be necessary to understand the characters and their relationships with each other.

Saenai Heroine no Sodatekata 10 by Fumiaki Maruto

Once again, Maruto takes a typical light novel volume premise and quickly turns it into a dramatic affair. The cover and the colour illustrations are a lie! This isn’t a beach/swimsuit volume but it is an Utaha volume and a good one. It made me remember why I loved Utaha in Koisuru Metronome and why I still do. I’m a bit anxious about vol. 11 given that the cover and the colour illustrations show Megumi being embarrassed which is very out of character for her.

Saenai Heroine no Sodatakata 11 by Fumiaki Maruto

Welp, Maruto finally did it. He finally made Megumi into a boring heroine for me. I can’t get into too much details about what I disliked about this volume without spoilers but I think one thing that was really missing was scenes without Tomoya in them. I get that he’s the protagonist and the narrator but in the first few volumes, there sections that were just dialogue that showed Megumi interacting with people who weren’t Tomoya. I think we haven’t had a scene like that since vol. 7 and GS doesn’t fully replace it. Those scenes made Megumi feel like a full character and they were needed here. The reader needs to be shown that she has a life outside of Tomoya.Without that, she’s boring.

This is the last volume in the series that I own so I won’t be reading the last four volumes (including FD and GS) until Bookwalker has them on sale again.

Iriya no Sora, UFO no Natsu 1 by Mizuhito Akiyama

A few years ago I read The Picture of Dorian Gray. It was the first time I had read any novel that was written before I was born and I remember being so amazed at how paragraphs could last an entire page. Reading Iriya gave me a similar feeling to that, even if it’s not nearly as old as Dorian Gray. It’s amazing to see how much the light novel medium has changed since the first volume was released in 2001. There were so many descriptions of settings and movements and some of these lasted for more than a page. Due to this, I had a tough time reading this volume. There were a few times where I lost the plot and had to go back and read the scene from the start again. The writing style is smooth and the relationship between the two leads is cute but I can’t say I found the plot very interesting. I don’t quite understand what most people find charming about this series yet but I’m looking forward to possibly finding out in volume 2.

As for the anime, I saw it a long time ago and barely remember it and don’t have easy access to rewatch it. Looking at the episode summaries from Wikipedia, the first episode adapts around 170 pages so I’d imagine it’s pretty rushed.

Torikago Miko to Seiken no Kishi by Izuki Kougyoku

A short ~90~ page story from the author of Mimizuku to Yoru no Ou. It’s a pretty standard fantasy story about a legendary knight and I can’t say I cared for it. I didn’t really buy the relationship between the two leads but I did really like the ending. Even if I didn’t care much for it, I’d still recommend it to people who liked Mimizuku.

Kidou Shitsuji by Takeshi Matsuyama

Well, this was a pleasant surprise! This is by the author of Ame no Hi no Iris and Koori no Kuni no Amaryllis and the English title is Robot Butler but the titular character is not the funniest thing about it. Instead, most of the scenes I found humorous involved the female lead, Liese and her attempts to get Bel to notice her through the use of shoujo manga tropes. Of course, they all backfire on her. She tries to wink flirtatiously at him and he just asks if she has dry eye. She tries to run into him with a piece of toast in her mouth… only, they’re in the middle of a hallway and he catches her effortlessly when she tries to run at him. Liese’s cluelessness when it comes to romance is genuinely charming and of course I loved her relationship with her best friend, Flora, who introduced her to the concept of shoujo manga in the first place and encourages her every step of the way. The other notable character is Flora’s robot butler, Victoria who seems to be the only one who knows how much of an idiot Bel actually is. In addition to how funny it is, the volume has some surprisingly tight world-building and chapter six is truly awesome. There are so many things that get revealed and there’re big epic fights! I liked it a lot. Unfortunately, I didn’t care for the ending. I thought it was a bit of a cop-out though I suppose it did end it cleanly in the way that I am not desperately wanting a second volume. Anyhow, I’d highly recommend it and I’m looking forward to reading more of Maruyama’s works in the future.

Iriya no Sora, UFO no Natsu 2 by Mizuhito Akiyama

Despite my lukewarm opinion of the first volume, I actually quite enjoyed this volume. Surprisingly, Iriya isn’t in this volume much and the volume instead gives the reader some insight into some of the side characters thoughts, particularly Akiho. My favorite part of the volume was when we got to experience the school’s cultural festival through the eyes of the Asaba parents. It was an interesting choice and one that I quickly got behind. Rather than being just background dressing, Asaba’s parents are actually pretty interesting and fun without being too eccentric and silly. One thing I think this series does really well is that I never feel like the author is treating the characters like adults. A huge issue with a lot of fiction is that they tend to think of teenagers as adults instead of just a pile of people who are still growing and learning how to make decisions. (Saekano has this issue too, btw.) But these characters are still in their first year of middle school and they act like it. I think I’m starting to get the charm of this series now. This volume was very fun to read and I enjoyed it enough that I started volume 3 right away.

Iriya no Sora, UFO no Natsu 3 by Mizuhito Akiyama

I’m starting to realize that I like this series the most when it’s not being told from Asaba’s POV. I still like his character and a lot of the impactful scenes come from his POV but the most memorable part of this volume was chapter 1 where Akiho and Iriya have an eating competition and become friends. I liked it a lot, especially since Akiho kind of becomes Iriya’s “Mum friend” afterwards and Kiyomi starts affectionately calling Iriya “Kana-bu” which I thought was pretty darn cute. One thing that I really like about the dynamic between Akiho and Iriya is that Akiho is never portrayed as a straight-up bitch trying to get between Asaba and Iriya. Instead, she’s just a girl learning how to deal with her feelings. And Iriya is never portrayed as just a victim of Akiho’s attitude. Iriya is strong in her own way and can be very determined when it comes down to it. But enough about them, this volume had a lot of character development for Asaba. I really liked that he asked Iriya what she wants. Does she want to keep things the way they are? Or does she him to help her? He asks and I really liked that. I also think the way he runs to the bathroom in uncomfortable social situations is hilarious and adorable. In general, despite this volume having pretty heavy plot developments, I just found all the characters to be really cute. Anyway, I’ll be taking a short break before reading the final volume but I am really enjoying this series so far.

Ankoku Kishi wo Nugasanaide 1 by Shinichi Kimura

From the author of Kore wa Zombie desu ka? this story starts when a high school student called Najima’s class gets a new transfer student who just looks like a suit of armour wearing a female uniform. Honestly, I found it boring which is why I’m not putting much effort into the premise summary. It was fine, I guess, but I didn’t laugh at all and I found the characters to be bland. But I bought the first three volumes when they were first released so I kinda have to read them.

[wildfluffyappeared]

Ayyyy I wrote a short little introductory piece that introduces my two OCs into the club! This is written from Kain’s POV.

I relax in my room, reading. I’m rereading one of my favorite novels, The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. High fantasy has always been one of my favorite genres, and my cousin Yuri recommended this to me a year or so ago. She usually reads horror, but she always talks about how a truly good fantasy story that takes you to another world can be just as good. I don’t really get all the pretentious shit she goes on about sometimes, but this really is a good book, so I can’t really be too annoyed about it.

Suddenly, I hear a vibration. I check my phone to see a text from my best friend, Lucidia.

[Make sure to get to bed early tonight, Kain! We have a big day tomorrow, joining the Literature Club! Don’t forget!] the screen reads.

I roll my eyes. Lucie has been nagging me ever since the festival to join a club. She keeps saying I’m going to end up as a NEET if I don’t join one soon. I finally caved and told her I’d join the Literature Club, just to shut her up. It was the first club I thought of, because Yuri’s in it. But, would you believe it, she said she’d join too! I wonder if she actually cares about literature, or if she just wants to make sure I’m actually doing it. Probably the latter… But after all, literature is fun, so it probably won’t be that bad.

[Yeah yeah fine, I’m going to bed,] I text back. She means well, but she’s really annoying sometimes. I know she’ll kick my ass tomorrow if I don’t go to bed soon, so I get up and start getting ready for bed.

***

Well, the school day is over. I guess we’re going to the Literature Club… I walk out into the hallway, to find Lucie already waiting for me. “Come on, let’s go! I’ve got the room number on this flyer,” Lucie says energetically. I wish I could be this enthusiastic, to be honest.

We head across the school towards the third-year classrooms, and before long, we’ve arrived outside the door. Lucie knocks on the door firmly. The discussion behind the door suddenly goes silent, before a bubbly happy voice speaks up. “Come in!” the voice exclaims.

Lucie opens the door and primly strides in. I casually stroll in behind her, and look around the room. There’s Yuri, sitting in the corner reading a book with a pink-haired girl I’ve seen her with a couple times; I guess that must be Natsuki, her girlfriend. Yuri never really stops talking about Natsuki and how much she loves her, it’s really adorable. Anyway, Yuri’s eyes light up with recognition as she sees me, and she smiles. Then there’s a girl with coral-colored hair with a big red bow in it, who’s beaming at us. Next to her is a guy with brown hair and golden-colored eyes. Wow, he’s fucking gorgeous… probably straight though, I think to myself. Lastly, there’s a girl sitting by herself. She’s got long brown hair and green eyes that seem… piercing, almost. And her expression is unusual. She looks… shocked, almost disturbed, to see us. What’s her problem…?

“Oh, hello!” the girl with the coral hair speaks up. I notice her voice is the one we heard from the hall. “Welcome to the Literature Club! How can we help you?” she asks with a smile.

“Hi, my name is Lucidia, and this is my friend Kain,” Lucie says authoritatively. “We’re here to inquire about joining the club.”

The coral-haired girl’s eyes light up, and she shouts, “Really? Yay! Monika, we’ve got new members!” She looks over at the girl with the brown hair. Her name is Monika? Yeah, I remember hearing about her. She’s a pretty popular girl in our grade, but I never really hung with that crowd, so I never really got to know her.

“O-oh, yes, thanks for alerting me, Sayori,” Monika responded. So the other girl’s name is Sayori. Okay. So that’s everyone’s name except the cute boy next to Sayori. “Well, hello,” she continues. She still looks confused by our presence, but who knows, maybe she’s just having an off day or something?

“So let me introduce you to everyone. I’m Monika, the club president! Over here is my vice president, Sayori,” she points to the coral-haired girl, “our newest member, MC,” pointing to the boy, “and over in the corner we have Yuri, and Natsuki.”

“Yeah, I already know Yuri,” I speak up. “She’s my cousin.”

Yuri nods happily and says, “Kain is a very avid reader! I think he’ll be a good fit for the club.” Whew, putting a little too much faith in me there, cousin. I like reading, but I wouldn’t consider myself an “avid” anything. Except maybe an avid slacker.

Monika nods at Yuri. “Ah, I see! Interesting. Lucidia, Kain, I think we’d love to have you join! Let me just take you two outside to fill out some preliminary club paperwork without disturbing anyone’s reading, okay?” she asks with a kind of… unsettling grin.

Lucie doesn’t seem to have noticed Monika’s weird behavior, as she says, “Alright! Let’s go then,” and leads the way to the door. It’s funny how she always makes a point of taking the lead in every situation. Even in this one, where Monika should be leading as the president of the club. Those two are not going to get along…

Anyway, we go outside, and Monika closes the door behind us—

Whoa. What the fuck is going on? The entire world looks like it’s breaking into fragments around us. Monika’s the only thing that looks stable…

“Who are you?” she asks, her voice sounding distorted. I look over at Lucie. Her face looks absolutely stunned, and she remains silent.

“How did you get into this game? Were you coded here? I don’t see character files for you. Are you sentient like me? Do you understand the nature of this world?” Monika growls at us. “Are you here to harm my girls? Or are you independent creations of the game?”

“W-what are you talking about…?” Lucie stutters. When she’s really afraid, her stutter comes back and she tends to repeat herself a lot. She’s had it ever since we were kids, but she keeps it under control most of the time. But at moments like this, when she’s terrified, she completely loses her composure. “W-we aren’t… we d-don’t want to h-h-hurt anyone, what are you t-talking about….?”

“Yeah, what’s the big idea?” I ask angrily. I’m scared as fuck too, to be entirely honest, but I’m a lot better at forcing myself to remain calm and roll with the punches. “What do you mean, game? We’re not playing any games, we’re just here trying to join a goddamn literature club and you’re being creepy as fuck.”

Monika’s expression seems to change after she watches us for a moment. “Hmm… I believe you. But I still don’t know how you got here. I need to look into this some more. In the meantime, I’m sorry for having scared you like this. You won’t remember any of this, but thanks for at least speaking to me. I won’t let any harm come to you two either.”

We aren’t going to remember this? She won’t let any harm come to us? What the fuck is she talking aboutttttttttt

ĚŰČçÌŖŚµŭò¨ÝġÆÁĥĖðĨ¾½¥§ŧ©ßĈůŷÀđÿĿŢŅÖßĶ

“Kain is a very avid reader! I think he’ll be a good fit for the club,” Yuri says with a smile. Whew, putting a little too much faith in me there, cousin. I like reading, but I wouldn’t consider myself an “avid” anything. Except maybe an avid slacker.

…Wait, that seems vaguely familiar. Did we already…? Nah, just déjà vu.

“Ah, I see!” Monika says with a smile, nodding in Yuri’s direction. “Lucidia, Kain, I think we’d love to have you join! In fact, it’s about time for all of us to share poems! Every day, we write a new poem and bring it in to share with everyone!” She grins and tilts slightly at the waist. “It’s a fun exercise that helps us get to know each other better, and also to enjoy literature!”

I look over at Lucie. Oh no… she’s got that bossy bitch-face on again. She’s going to start trying to throw her inflated ego around and dominate the conversation like she always does when she doesn’t like something… she always does this when she doesn’t get her way. I think it comes from the fact that her dad is rich as hell, but I’d never say that to her; I don’t particularly want to get smacked.

“Umm… I don’t mean to criticize the way you run your club or anything, Monika, but that doesn’t seem like a very efficient system to me. It seems to me that creative burnout could easily set in soon, and everyone would be tired of writing poetry,” she says with her bossy tone.

Monika’s expression changes. She looks confused, almost like she’s not used to being challenged. “W-well…” she mutters. “It’s never been a problem before…”

Sayori speaks up then, an almost sort of angry expression on her face. “Yeah! Monika’s a great leader, and we all have a wonderful time here! Don’t be mean, Lucidia!” Natsuki and Yuri nod in agreement. I never expected Sayori to be the assertive one… but I guess that’s why she’s Vice President.

“Luce, come on, don’t be like that. We just joined. I bet they know what works for the club better than we do, huh?” I say calmingly. That’s the trick with Lucie; when she gets like this, just appeal to her sense of reason and she’ll realize what a bitch she’s being.

“O-oh… You’re right, Kain, I’m sorry…” she mumbles. “I’m so sorry, everyone! I don’t always think before I speak, and sometimes I can be kind of bossy… I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings…” Okay good, that was the reaction I was hoping for.

Sayori grins at Lucie. “It’s okay! Happens to the best of us! Even Yuri sometimes speaks before she thinks, and she’s an amazing person!” Yuri blushes and hides her face behind her hair as Sayori says that. It’s true that Yuri is sometimes very blunt with her thoughts, but saying that so plainly… Something tells me Sayori doesn’t always think before she speaks either, but it’s kind of endearing. MC smiles at her when she says that. Yep, definitely straight, he loves her, I think to myself with a slight sense of disappointment. But it’s fine, of course. We sit around the table and the others pull their poems out. I guess it’s time to get to know everyone else…

[smillingcartoonist]

TV Shows that I Watched in 2017

A Series of Unfortunate Events (2 Episodes)

I Nearly forget that I watch this ! I Watched 2 episodes and then something happened to my computer, I don’t remember what ! but I lost interesting, and still with no interesting what so ever to continue watching.  

Samurai Jack (Season 5)

This wasn’t my favorite cartoon back in the day so I wasn’t expecting much out of it ,but oh man ! Turn out to be a really good ! a much more mature story line, I got a little down by the end, But I think it end really well ! The whole story of Jack dealing with his failure and his own wish for Death was pretty interesting, when all of that was solved it kinda drop the ball a little ! and Visually too, by the end the visual aspect of the show is gone ! I remember that some people are really worried about if Ashi and Jack are gonna end up together,well this is tumblr,this is what really important here !! I don’t know/care about the general opinion about the ending of the show, but I guess for other people if doesn’t go the way they want they will rage about it ! which is pretty stupid ! after the success of this revival, some other shows announced a revival,First Invader Zim and then Hey Arnold, The Arnold movie come out just recently,But Invader Zim is still with no date of release,that’s a bummer.

Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex (Season 1)

If we talk about fidelity to the material which was originated, this version of Ghost In the Shell is the more faithful adaption of the comic ! Mamoru Oshii movie was good, but It kinda goes really far from the manga, like this version got more of the political and crime drama that the comic had and it’s more appropriated to the show. The Major of this version is more like the Major of the comic, she have a pretty humorous personality, way more in the comic, The tachikomas are in here and the the whole section 5 appears in most episodes, even trough the main focus is on The Major,Batou and Ishikawa,most on him ! I guess because he’s the most Human Character in the team !

The Show is divide in a main line story,The Laughing Man case, and some others cases, that later on some of they get integrated into the main story, overall is pretty good, I can’t think of something bad about this show, everything is really well craft, expect to the Major Child Spare body,why the fuck she have that ? Why she use that ? That’s was really weird !! Other think that is good and deserve some credit is the dub, the English dub is really good,but only for the main characters,everyone else have a mediocre or bad dub, In fact it was really hard to find subs for this show ! 

Doctor Who (Season 10)

This season was bad ! The First half of episodes are ok,but the second is just the worst ! and this season got the worst season Finale so far ! Let’s break this shit down !!

Let’s start with Bill, did she have a arc of a story in this show ?? for most of the time she was just there ! either something happen to her and the doctor have to save her or she was there to do something and say something, but outside of that, she doesn’t have a story ! in comparison to another character like Martha from Season 3,she did have a story, she began travailing with the Doctor,she kinda fall in love with him but he doesn’t love her, things happens and Martha and the doctor solve it ! and by then end she quits because the Doctor doesn’t love her and she get on her life,it’s kinda lame but at least it have some goods reasons, Bill story is like What ?? She travel with the doctor,die and becomes a cyberman, die again and become a liquid alien and then she goes way because the doctor is Dead and her Crush come to get her ?! Is that even a conclusion ? Nardole was even worse, he’s boring, he is a boring comic relief, he was pretty funny on the Christmas specials,but on this he’s like the Doctor’s mom ! and he also have nothing to do ! most of the episode he appear he doesn’t  do anything, So Why put him in there ??

The First half episodes are good, they are most involving the relationship between the Doctor and Bill, again Jamie Mathieson write a really good episode “Oxygen”probably the best episode of this season even trough I don’t think it was his best episode ! Extremys was also good, even trough it had some of the over the top stuff that Moffat like to put ! The Doctor meeting the Pope, The Doctor Fuck the pope, a female Pope ? for some reason they keep trying to make that Doctor have bang half of the universe ! I was expecting at some point Matt Smith say to Clara “hey Clara did I Tell you about when I Bang Joana D’arc ?” and also anything that happens in this episode got nothing to do with the next, Why the monks are running this specific scenario ?? Why they let they own Computer send a warning to the Doctor ?? 

 The Other half of episode is when things start to fall apart, “the Pyramids at the end of World” still a solid episode even trough the most convenient thing happens at the end to let the story have a third part ! This Third part is a Failure,they had a really good premise “the Monks have brainwash humanity to believe they are they rulers and the Doctor is on they side” This could be a really good episode, but turns out to be bullshit, turns out the Doctor is faking he do a faking regeneration just to fuck with Bill, also they really exploit the fact that this is the last season of Capaldi and think they audience are a bunch of idiots that don’t know that will only happens in the last episode ! At least the scene with Michelle Gomez was good !  Mark Gatiss write another bad episode so fuck it,  The Eaters of Light was really good, after two really bad episodes it’s refreshing to have a episode with Doctor Who stuff on it !! and then The Season Finally comes in, World Enough and Time was pretty good, even trough I Got a big issue with The Doctor saying that he have a Crush on the Master when they are children, was that really Necessary ?? did Moffat had to do this so he could appeal the hearth of some horny teenager girl Out there ? did the Doctor really need to say “Oh he was my fundamental school crush”, Was that necessary,no ! Fuck You Steve !! But that’s not even the tip of the Iceberg ! The problems get worse on the last Episode !

The Doctor Falls his the lamest Season Finale so far !! This episode is a soap novel that doesn’t go anywhere !! and also they keep showing the Doctor Contenting his regeneration, Oh he can do that now ? yeah I Guess he can, and only now !! Why Bring John Simm back if you not gonna do anything with him ?? The Only thing that he do is Flirt with Gomez and then shoot her in the back, also that, You expect that Missy story will have some kinda of nice conclusion,Oh ! Missy is turning good ? she will have some kinda of redemption at the end,that since interesting, but Moffat have to end that in a lame way with he Master Shooting himself, Oh ! God Moffat ! get your dick out of our mouth !! that was terrible and we something even worse ! You have the lamest Deus Ex-Machina that I Ever seeing,so the Doctor is dead,cyberBill is about to die and then The Liquid alien girl appears at the end and just transform Bill into another liquid alien, Because she can do that of course !! if this chick could appear anytime to help she could appear sometime before all this shit happens,or even in some other episode where Bill was in danger and she could help, But any way, she get then make in the Tardis,How ??, and she just happens to know how to pilot the Tardis,because she is a Dues Ex-Machina !! and then Bill leaves the Tardis seeing “Yeah Doctor that was fun,But your Dead Now,and my Crush have come pick me up, so Bye !” and the she leaves, The doctor wake and say some embarrassing and unnecessary stuff and go outside the Tardis to Scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO in the snow,because he acting like a kid and does not want to regenerate. Man ! That was terrible ! Fuck You Steven Moffat !!

American Gods (Season 1)

Adaptation of a book,written by Neil Gaiman,Book that I read in the beginning of the year and I Like reading it,maybe it was the last Book that read this year ! I don’t remember ! But anyway, I Liked this show overall,really competent adaption,just some things i Think Like: Anansi is not a elderly pervert man,that was the whole reasons I like that character,because he was grumpy and every line he insulted Shadow. Other thing I didn’t like was the among of gratuity sex scenes in the show,there is not that among of fucking in book, there is this scene where Bisquis Pussy vore this guy in the beginning and some other sex scene later, in the show they put some more of Bisquis eating people for no reason at all !! she also become a important character now,because in the book she appears and then she appears again and die ! 

Michiko To Hatchin (22 Episodes)

Anime is not really my thing, But this year I Try somethings, this and Ghost In the shell are the ones that I Like ! I find this thanks to Tumblr,Yeah !! sometimes you can find good things in this place, It got my attention because of the premise, It happens in Brasil and some Brazilian guy made the sound track, that enough to get me to watch ! and I Like it, one thing I find weird is the Tone of the show, like it begins really cheeky and Funny and on the forth episodes things start to get more serious and then get less serious, and it keeps going like this into the end. The Director of this show Sayo Yamamoto, direct a show that made a huge success last year, specially here on tumblr, the anime about gay ice skating “Yuri on Ice” I kinda wanna watch that now,just because it was directed by her ! By The end of anime I Got that the message was “Girls shouldn’t be running after man that are fucking jackasses” which I think that is true and right !

Ballroom & Youkoso (4 Episodes)

This was the first deception on trying to get on Modern anime ! It is this slice of life with a bunch of dull characters and dull humor, I didn’t like anything about it, the animation too was really dull,like everything in this show was dull for me ! The whole point that I thought it will be interesting was the dancing part ! but when that happens, it’s lifeless, like Finally the dull Protagonist get to Dance and he does a incredible move where he stand still !! don’t move, dance is all about moving and the first he does is not Move !! in the next episode the “I’m the best” character goes dance,furious because the dull protagonist got some fun not dancing on his place, and the you think is gonna be the most awesome thing into the next Dance contest,but there is only 10 seconds of actual dancing and the rest is just flashing images and the crowd cheering, I Get the impression that I should be doing the same but is so dull !! after this I really could care anymore !

Preacher (Season 2)

I Enjoyed This Season a Lot more then the first,Like this season have a lot more of the fell of the comic into it then the first and it’s way more resolved in the adaptation part ! finally Jesse gonna search for god ! the they motivations are different, in the comic Jesse what to find God because pissed with him and the TV show he want to do that because he thinks that he is in some kind of holy mission ! The Humor get’s kinda predictable, Because everyone in the world of Preacher is really nasty and terrible person, so you know that something nasty is gonna happen ! One thing that I find strange was the whole Hitler good man thing,every time that happen is said “No Man! what are you doing !!” in times like this, that’s pretty dangerous !! 

Castlevania (Season 1)

Warren Ellis can do anything, he can write a story about dish washing and it gonna be the most awesome thing ever, it will probably involve a alien abduction or a secret organization plot to kill aliens or supernatural creatures ! any way this was another good show with marvelous quality, the only bummer it is so short, 4 episodes, and when it ends it end out of the no where like “that is, more next year” ! I Just wandering what’s gonna happen in the next season ! if Belmonth is gonna have to fight the monster of Frankenstein and mummy ?! 

Psycho-Pass (20 Minutes)

Din’t even bother to get anything for this ! I Thought this would be a good show, the premise was good, the design of the characters look like shit ! But maybe the story would be good, but when I Finally watch, damn, that was terrible ! the first episode begins with the villan (I guess) wanking about himself and then it goes for some of the stupid anime shit that ever seen ! I Just could care ! after 20 minutes i Just stop the video and said no ! fuck this !!

Twin Peaks (Season 1,2 and 3)

My favorite show of the year !! I Got interesting in it when I saw somethings here on Tumblr,and the I decide to Watch the First episode of the Third season, after watching some episodes I decide to go see the other 2 seasons (To see if anything that I saw it will make sense), that was like 36 episodes or something, for some reasons at the time I got nothing to do so had plenty of time of nothing to do ! I Enjoy most of it, it’s like a Soap Novel with bizarre characters and that managed to get me entreating to watch everything and see what was gonna happens with to does characters,You Know like any other show should be ! But It fells kinda flat after they solve the mystery of who killed Laura Palmer, but the whole thing with Window Earl was cool the actor that play him was really good ! I Just wonder how he moved a giant piece of Chest to that, hum that … that place and later they show like 5 people with a crane trying to move that thing from there !

I Also watched the two Movies,Fire Walk with me and The Missing pieces, The Movie are really different from the the TV show, like It doesn’t have space for comedy into it so the Movie is really depressing,You already know what is gonna happen, but even so !! after watching that I watched the Missing Pieces in a vain hope to see if anything that I saw later would make more sense ! Guess what, It Didn’t !! The Missing Pieces is all the scenes that didn’t make to the movie,it also have the scene of the meeting in the Convenience store and the scene with Phillip separated of which other,that for some reasons Lynch decide to put them together to make even less sense !! does that mean that it make sense now ! I Guess !? 

Season 3 was incredible, if I was not terrified I would be laughing my ass off, but after 18 hours of pure surreal stuff did i Understand anything of it, mostly of it no, I saw some theories and it make me fells stupid ! Because there is this whole other thing happen and I didn’t even notice, “I’m a idiot for not noticing that early” I said to my self, and I saw some other theory about how this things that seen out of place and weird are in fact critics to state of America. When I finally saw the ending I was not expecting anything different, I wasn’t expecting to end on a good way, every season didn’t end with a happy ending, so this one should be the same ! What i find incredible was the number of people trying to figured out the meaning behind the ending in a number of way’s, but like It doesn’t matter if you watch all episodes at the same time, you not gonna find anything, the only way to figured out is to Interpreted everything you see and figured out how that work !! You have to think about you saw, But if can’t do that,what are doing watching this then ??

Big Mouth (Season 1) 

I Got interested in this after seeing the two teaser, the first one I laugh once, and the second,that was the ending of the second episode, sold me into it. I find it really funny at some parts and not funny at all in others, all that Thing with Jay and his Pillow I think that was the most surreal stuff that I have seen in years !! even more surreal then Twin Peaks. Maya Rudolph was The Hormone Monstress is the high point of this show,she give a lot Charm to the character. A Lot of people didn’t like this show because it was to offensive for then and too ugly !! But like, all this cartoon show for adults are all really ugly !! so like, so what ??

Mindhunter (Season 1)

I Like a lot of crime investigative stuff, and like most of the show even through there is somethings that kinda seen like they go no where, all that stuff with the tickling, I Though it go to something bigger but it didn’t !! I Though that they will go back to the first case they reject and solve it, but I guess that would be a think for season two. I Like how they handle the arc of the Mindhunter,this whole thing of him being this ambitious agent that want to discovery a new method of investigation and becoming this self centre asshole that thinks that he his the fucking most ! Now that is a Grow of a Character !!

American Vandal (Season 1)

The whole part of the humor of this show kinda feel flat for me, but the investigation stuff is way more engaging, I like how fluid the whole investigation process how they going finding out how everyone in this school have some dirt in then and how that later affect them ! in the end they come to a solution to get the asshole that was false accused set free, but later he get in jail again because he’s just a asshole, But they don’t solve the mystery,Who Draw the dicks ??  My Guess is that was the History teacher,the cool dude that bad mouth the other teacher, I think because the way he storm out of a scene they show in the last episode.

Inuyashiki (3 Episodes)

I already have made fun of the two first episodes of this anime, I was reluctant to continue watching this,after the third episode I was done with this, basically what happen in it is a reminder that Bad guy is bad and good guy is good Nothing else happens,the characters does’t haven anything to them they have no charm or anything,they are this bland person with no expression, I guess that they faces never change,they have the same face every time !! I was really expecting something more out of this !! I Guess that I don’t have the age to watch this animes anymore,I can’t go back be a thirteen old again !!

Genocyber (5 Episodes)

This is some old cult anime stuff, ultra violent and really nonsensical, and some how can be was better any of this other animes that I have watched, is there a lot of more effort put into it by the way,it was kinda fun to watch this and see the stuff happening and just shout to the screen “What ?? Why ?” it made me care that’s the important thing, also the soundtrack is good,is probably the best thing out of it !! 

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (Season 2)

Is kinda sad talk about this,since the show was cancelled, But even so,I don’t have enjoyed this season as more then the first one, It was funny and all,but the whole fantasy world don’t have got me, and this whole another plot of Dirk trying to be a normal Detective didn’t land well for me.I Think that the Third Season out have turn out to be great, also this thing of turning that Computer guy into the antagonist was kinda surprising and out the nowhere !! Also The Creator of the Show Max Landis was accused of Sexual harassment recently, Guess that’s way the show was cancelled !!    

The Young Pope (Season 1 ??)

From all the shows here,this is the one that got the best cinematography of them all !! really stunning photography, Jude Law give a incredible performance in this show,I Guess that i never seen anything else with him,But anyway he’s just awesome ! They gave him a bunch of huge speech to him, so there are some incredible long scene of Jude Law talking about how his character is awesome and can do anything ! also I was kinda confused watching, the initial speech that he give on his dream confused me when he was taking decision that are the opposite from early, I was thinking that he was just pretending to be a huge asshole when in fact he is a huge asshole !! but also sometimes not a total jackass and by the end he have some kind of redemption ! that I don’t understand if they want to make a Season 2 out of this,the whole story of Jude Law is done what more can you go far from this ? But if they wanna do it I’m Fine with this !

Dark (Season 1)

My Second favorite show of the year, I Like everything about it,the story,the photography.the music, it’s really well put together, a lot people compared this to Stranger Things,and it’s nothing like it ! Stranger Things is this little light harder show that funny and colorful and Dark it’s just Depressing, It’s this show that nothing is gonna go well and it’s not go end in a happy way, The only problem that I got is that I don’t remember any of the names of the characters I Only know the name of the main kid with the yellow jacket that is Jonas. I’m looking forward to the next Season,the show leave a lot of question open, and I wanna know who is going to be our real protagonist !! Also The Director of this show Baran Bo Odar,is the director of one of the worst movies of this year called Sleepless,which I find weird since this show is so good.

Stranger Things 2 (Why The Two ? Season 2) 

Another Show That I don’t think it make it up for the last one, I not part of the cult of adoration of this serie,but I like it I Think there are good and fun to watch and not this Grater masterpiece that people make up to believe. I felt that the some of the same stuff that happened in the last season is happening again in this, Hysterical Mom is more Hysterical, let’s trash Winona Ryder House in some way ! Friends are not friends anymore and get back being friends !! the rest of it was just ok, they the asshole from the last season not be a asshole anymore,guess I Kinda like him now, which make four of the characters that I like in this show,Him,Dustin, the new Hellboy man and Eleven. I Guess that they could’t stretch this for one more Season,but they did !! What gonna happen in the next season ?! Did they gonna turn the asshole of this season into not a asshole and make him have a affair with the mom of the sour face kid ?! is Dustin gonna have more adventures with the non-asshole cool guy ?! Winona Ryder is goona stop being Hysterical ?! (probably no !) Also they kinda ruined Dustin Character in this season,they turning him into fat kid slop comic relief, I don’t remember him being like that In the last season ?!

Punisher (Season 1) 

The last Show that I watch this year, I enjoyed watching, even trough I Don’t think it had the among of shooting that I wanted to have ! From all this netflix super heroes show’s I only watched this,Jessica Jones and Daredevil,I Really don’t care about the rest, But This show is on pair with Jessica Jones in mine opinion.I don’t know much about The Punisher comics so can’t comment on anything of this part ! I Think that Jon Bernthal is great actor, he really give a good performance making the Punisher into this psycho maniac that want to kill people ! He have great Gutural Scream ! I saw video about Sicario and how Dennis Villanueve put this whole section of in the movie so he could Film Jon acting !! Like he is really good, I Think that he is the perfect Candidate to be a New rambo, If someone ever wanna do a new type of Rambo Movie he would be great there !! shooting people and screaming at the same time ! 

[singingwordwright]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

1. List of works published this year:

NON-SHADOWHUNTERS

Celestial Bodies (Yuri!!! on Ice, a WIP from Yurio’s POV trying to illustrate a headcanon I had about Yurio, ended up on indefinite hold because the new SH season began and ate my brain.) 

SHADOWHUNTERS (TV)

Episode-based speculations, missing scenes, codas, and fix-its:

Of Laughter and Lima Beams, 2x07 missing scene attempt #1

No Half Measures, 2x08 coda

Breathing Room, 2x09 extra scene

Life Support, 2x10 missing scene/coda

Things We Think We Know, 2x07 missing scene attempt #2 and possibly the point at which I truly accepted I couldn’t smut anymore

No Stay of Execution, 2x12 what-if/coda that went to an unhappy place

One Memory, pre-2x15 what-if/speculation

In the Glow of a New Day, pre-2x18 speculation on Magnus’s greatest fear (or his unwillingness to go there) based on the sneak peek.

Midnight Oil, 2x18 coda

AUs

Alicante Hall, college AU written for the Malec Secret Santa exchange

Magic and Mass Effect, just what it says on the tin, Mass Effect 3 crossover on indefinite hold because the One Easy Answer universe ate my brain

One Easy Answer, marriage-of-convenience AU. Canon-divergent beginning at 1x12, offering a look at what season 2a might have been if Magnus hadn’t interrupted Alec’s wedding (but Alec called it off on his own) and thus the events of season 2a weren’t influenced by Alec and Magnus’s developing relationship. When they come together post 2x10/2x13 they enter into their politically motivated marriage to try to prevent war between the Downworld and the Clave.

A Separate Peace, sequel to One Easy Answer that got way more canon-divergent, focusing on giving the characters far more agency and filling a lot of plot holes. Covers the events of season 2b from the premise that Alec and Magnus have gotten married and are trying to unite the Shadow World, but pressure on multiple sides may destroy what they’re trying to build.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why): Definitely A Separate Peace. First because it’s the first actual novel I’ve written in, like, three years, and also because it’s the most tightly-plotted piece of work I’ve ever done, and that includes my professional published novels. It just came together so well and while it might not be the greatest craft-wise because I’m out of practice (so. many. dialogue. tags) it was really a truly excellent piece of storytelling, IMO.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why): Probably one or both of my 2x07 missing scene fics. I’ve been an erotic romance author in both fandom and professionally for 20 years, so the discovery that I just can’t (and don’t want to) write smut anymore is a really hard pill to swallow.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

“Yeah, but he wasn’t entirely lying,” Jace said with a shrug. “Clary and I do share the same blood, in a way. And those first few weeks, it’s like we needed to be close to each other, to, I don’t know, figure out the abilities the angel blood gave us. And once we’d done the work we had to do, we didn’t need to be with each other like that anymore. So maybe that’s why we felt that pull toward each other, and we just didn’t know what other context to put it in, you know?”

“I really don’t,” Alec said, shaking his head.

“Look, I love Clary. I do. I’m gonna love her the rest of my life. I just apparently don’t want to…be with her like that.” Jace shuddered. “To be honest, after the first few weeks, it sort of started making my skin crawl. And she says she feels the same.”

“Wait. Wait.” Despite his best efforts, the first snicker slipped through Alec’s nose. He covered his mouth to try to hold back a bark of laughter, but it wouldn’t be contained. The rest followed, pouring out of him in a torrent of amusement while Jace looked on in disgust.

“What the hell? Are you drunk?”

Alec flapped a hand at him. “No! Wait wait wait!” Alec gasped, clutching at his sides as he slid down the wall, fighting for breath. “Are you—are you—telling me—”

He couldn’t even manage the words. His ass hit the hard, dirty concrete of the sidewalk and he pressed his face to his knees, shoulders jerking convulsively.

“—After all you two have been through—” He snorted and that just made him laugh harder, his head spinning with oxygen deprivation. Finally, he managed to wheeze, “—That it’s like kissing your sister?”

That set him off again, the peals of his laughter echoing off the walls of the nearby alley. If a demon came along now, he was a dead man, because he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak. His stomach was starting to hurt and he still couldn’t stop.

Jace gave him a withering glare. “I hate you,” he muttered, and stalked away with Alec’s howling laughter chasing him.

A Separate Peace, Chapter 8

(Okay, look, I’ve ALWAYS struggled with writing comedy, so this was a major achievement for me. Also Jace/Maia is way more awesome than Clace so I was pleased to have found a way to walk Clace back and make way for different ships for Clary and Jace.)

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received: I love all the people who leave me feedback, especially the ones who leave feedback with each and every chapter, but I really have to say, @lyannastarkweather was my MVP for A Separate Peace. Every single chapter she just left these beautiful, long, thoughtful comments and they were such a joy to read.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard: Did I mention the fact that I can’t smut anymore? So pretty much any sex scene or almost sex scene in my fics was like pulling teeth. I ended up fading to black a lot.

(Also, pretty much everything that happens from Chapter 13 to the end of A Separate Peace made me cry. A LOT.)

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: Maryse Lightwood. I haven’t written much from her POV, only Midnight Oil, but her development in A Separate Peace was a joy to delve into.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year: I wrote both heavily plot-driven stuff and comedy, which are two things I’ve very much struggled with. Usually my books and fics have been more about character exploration, so that was really an accomplishment for me.

9. How do you hope to grow next year: I hope to keep improving on those fronts, and also to find more of a balance between character exploration and plot movement, because I feel like I went a little too far in the plot direction in A Separate Peace.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): @roseglass was a champ for beta’ing basically a novel and a half worth of fic that I sort of volunteered her for. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I’m thinking of writing a marriage-of-convenience AU Her: I think that’s a fine idea Me: Okay, I’m doing it and it’s all your fault for encouraging me therefore you have to beta it

I’m lucky she didn’t tell me to take a flying leap, tbh. Of course, after 30 years of friendship “a flying leap” would probably involve a lot more f-words and more anatomical specificity.

@faejilly @janoda @actuallyredorchid @ladymatt @blj2007 and @lyannastarkweather  @nancyloumm @s-erendipitiness @champagnemagnus @nanf1c @ketzwrites @beatperfume @nanichick5 @247malec @sharona1x2 @rayofsunshinemaiaroberts @lecrit @irina-something @blav527 @uniqxfuera @a-rosewood-by-any-other-name @michellemisfit @rutherinahobbit @djchika @immortal-husbands @bane-of-brooklyn @accal1a @ohfreckle

were all tremendously friendly, supportive, responsive, inspirational, are people i want to get to know better, and/or are just positive people at a time when I needed positivity in my life. (forgive me if I’ve overlooked anyone; i know there are others I’ve had meaningful interractions with this year, I’m just not remembering everyone.)

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: well, Mouse in One Easy Answer/A Separate Peace looks like my cat (who also looks like Alberto’s cat Stella.)

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: it’s okay to step back, take some time, and come at it again later when you need to.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: I really cannot wait to delve into the sequel to A Separate Peace. There’s something gonna happen in there that’s gonna make a lot of people happy.

Tag writers whose answers you’d like to read. If I’ve already tagged you, consider yourself tagged here. Hell, if I didn’t already tag you, consider yourself tagged here.

[justhereforthefanartbean-blog]

Writing

Tagged by @ellipsesarefun

I really enjoyed reading your responses!! Thank you for supporting my work for so long <3 

1/ Which scene/paragraph/sentence are you the most proud of?

Omg, it’s going to sound arrogant, but there are so many options?? I’m just loving writing at the moment and I think such a long project as this series, whilst also having it’s lows, has a couple of moments that were just really fun to write, or that I genuinely think show an improvement in my writing. But if I have to choose one...

There’s a scene in Chapter 3 of Tournament of Marriage (spoilers) where Yuri stands up in front of a huge audience, takes his hood off, and gives Otabek a favour. It’s actually not particularly well-written (lol, is anything in that story tho) but it’s a moment that has come to define the rest of the series for me. 

For a start, I had to put a hell of a lot of time into designing the tournament and the situation itself so that it worked with my research and my world. And at the time, it was a big character moment. Yuri’s boldness in defying his father so publicly and against a rule that has defined his life for so long, only to choose Otabek like that, is a direct reflection of how quickly and easily Otabek became a part of his life, and how much of an affect he has had on Yuri. 

It was also symbolic; the casting off of Yuri’s bounds, a public statement that he wanted freedom, at the same time as absolutely tying himself to Beka. That’s a direct conflict of interests that follows him not just through the rest of the first book but well into the second. 

It was also a bit of a plant, and the public revelation of the real colour of his hair is something that has been affecting the story ever since. And I think, nearly thirty chapters later, it’s beginning to become clear quite how big a thing that is. 

2/ For which work/piece of work do you get comments telling how marvelous it is, while you’re not that enthralled by that piece yourself?

Cardigans and High Heels is literally just a short, bitchy piece about how different Skyfall would have been if Q was a woman, and how she would have dealt with it. It’s not even a properly explored concept, and I’d probably have deleted it by now if people didn’t seem to enjoy reading a pissed off, incredibly capable woman karate-kick misogyny in the face. 

3/ Which character highjacked the story they’re in?

Roza Altin. She was always going to travel with them, and she was always going to have a huge effect on both Yuri and Beka’s character development, but I poured so much time and love into making her backstory, her voice, and her internal thoughts and feelings, that she eventually got her own voice in the story, something that I never planned to do. I actually love presenting events through her eyes though! 

4/ Which sentence/kind of sentence do you overuse?

Person-verb-sentence. “She said” or “She smiled” or literally any actions. I just write such action-intense stories that it’s hard to find variation, but having a fairly clear idea of the stylistics I know I am occasionally capable of pulling off, it kills me inside a little bit XD 

5/ Which work of yours would you be dying to get fanart for?

Oh god, all of them. It’s the ultimate compliment!! Somebody once mentioned a possibility in passing and even though it never happened it’s easily one of the best comments I’ve ever had. I’ve actually thought about commissions for Thirst for Adventure, there are so many scenes based on real places, or interactions that are visibly imagined much more in-depth than I can write them. Even the characters - I have such clear ideas of what they’re wearing, what their horses and saddles and packs look like, how they wear their weapons and how they carry themselves... it would be wonderful to see it all. Well, maybe one day when the story’s finished and I’m not paying off a stupidly huge student debt :P

6/ Which work would you rather forget?

Ugh. ‘Bound To You’. Sherlock fan fiction that had an awesome concept (that wasn’t mine), but which ended up being FAR more complex and nuanced than I was capable of at the time (or would be now, to be honest). There were so many people who wanted me to finish that, but I never will. I’ve actually come close to deleting it a few times. It’s the reason I started a new tumblr when I decided I wanted to write for YOI instead of going back to my old one. 

7/ Do you have a project you never got the nerves/guts to write?

Oh hell yeah. Anything non-fandom XD Without the support of comments and things I get really self-conscious about what I’m writing, and whether it’s any good, and start pressuring myself to finish it, which takes all of the joy and enthusiasm out of it. There are original novels, finished and in progress, but I’m not happy with any of them. I really want to write something with an openly ace protagonist someday, but I’m not ready yet. I need to be able to finish a novel on my own. Although I did finally manage to write my coming-out blog post, and that was awesome to do <3 

8/ For which fandom have you written the most? (can be original fic, say if you count in terms of words, chapters or fics)

If we’re talking number of works, it’s Sherlock, but the longest word count by FAR is the Yuri on Ice Series at 161,852 words. That’s over half of my total word count on AO3!!

Tagging: @iguanastevens and I guess anyone else who’s interested? 

[i-read-good-books]

yoi lotr au

this is from several centuries ago but i think i never made a tumblr post for it and it’s my favourite fic that i’ve written so you know fuck modesty ayy

Title: "The Adventures of Sparkly Elf and Soft Hobbit, Endured With Great Patience by The Bright And Powerful, Best In The Land, Yuri Plisetsky."

Word Count: 4k

Summary:  Critics have always considered "The Adventures of Sparkly Elf and Soft Hobbit, Endured With Great Patience by The Bright And Powerful, Best In The Land, Yuri Plisetsky." one of the most faithful descriptions of Legend Victor Nikiforov, the greatest elven fighter for more than eight centuries. Although it is narrated by Plisetsky as an adolescent, and thus contains strong language and spends more time ridiculizing his travelling companions than giving thoughtful insight into Nikiforov's psyche, it still remains as an essential reading in every scholar that decides to study Nikiforov [...] //

Day 95: Caught Nikiforov writing love poems. Am appalled at bad writing more than anything else. Example: “I really like your dark eyes / and all the other parts of your face. Your butt is the perfect size / and I would love to see you in lace.” Hope the Hobbit cannot read, or am afraid this love story will not have a pleasant ending.

Alternatively: Elf!Yuri talks shit about Elf!Victor and Hobbit!Yuuri in his diary.

Link to ao3: here

Actual fic under the cut:

"The Adventures of Sparkly Elf and Soft Hobbit, Endured With Great Patience by The Bright And Powerful, Best In The Land, Yuri Plisetsky."

Critics have always considered "The Adventures of Sparkly Elf and Soft Hobbit, Endured With Great Patience by The Bright And Powerful, Best In The Land, Yuri Plisetsky." one of the most faithful descriptions of Legend Victor Nikiforov, the greatest elven fighter for more than eight centuries. Although it is narrated by Plisetsky as an adolescent, and thus contains strong language and spends more time ridiculizing his travelling companions than  giving thoughtful insight into Nikiforov's psyche, it still remains as an essential reading in every scholar that decides to study Nikiforov, as Plisestky was his protégé and closest friend. It is also, admittedly, an incredibly honest read, compared to some stories that overglorify Nikiforov and paint him as overworldly. The beginning of his relationship with Yuuri Katsuki, famous hobbit adventurer, is also illustrated in the book.

- Excerpt from "Victor Nikiforov: Legend and Truth", by scholar and famous entertainer Minako Okukawa.

Day -24: Nikiforov barges into my room in the middle of the night, wearing a pink frilly nightdress that I am quite convinced belongs to Mila, and announces, terribly loud, “Yuri! I have found my next adventure!” Proceeds to leave the room immediately, leaving glitter on my floor. My brethren and I have had our sleep disturbed for no conceivable reason. If this happens to be similar to the Human Pleasure Device Incident, will slit Nikiforov’s throat in the night.

Day -23: Nikiforov appears to be convinced that his adventure will be worthwhile. He has promised me he will not request me to undress a human female again. I have politely asked him not to ever mention the Incident again. Might have to invest in more of my daggers, as they have proved to be extremely useful. Nikiforov cheerfully informs me this adventure will involve hobbits. Do not see how this is supposed to encourage me to join him in his mad tourist trips across Middle Earth. Will ask Mila if hobbits are edible. Am unsure if she will know either.

Day -22: Hobbits are not edible, Mila is a terrible tattle tale, and Yakov is considering bringing me to a “place with other elves your age, lad”. If I am found dead come morning, Grandfather, ensure my fellow warriors find a safe place.

Day -21: Nikiforov will not consider my polite request to “leave me the fuck alone”, and continues to bother me at weapons training with plans for his reckless endeavour. He tells me there’s a magic hobbit in the Shire who can attract ancient creatures. Am glad, maybe this hobbit will get devoured before Nikiforov tracks him down. It would be fortunate.

Day -20: The Devil Himself (Yakov, Grandfather, I mention him sparsely, as I rather dislike him. He is too loud and much too tall) has declared he considers the idea of me joining Nikiforov’s wild trips marvelous, instead of repugnant. Do not know if simply stupid or just senile. Will consider murdering him to avoid leaving. Rivendell is not terribly disgusting at this time of year, and my warriors are comfortable here.

Day -19: Got caught trying to sneak into The Devil’s chambers. Mila informs me that “killing is not nice, baby”. Am not a baby. Am nearly 50 years old, you wrench.

Day -17: Neither threats nor pleading have persuaded my instructors. Am supposed to leave in two days’ time to get to the hellhole called “The Shire” to kidnap a prepubescent hobbit and force him to do our bidding. Have informed Nikiforov this sounds remarkably like “sexual harassment”. Nikiforov replies that I should stop reading Mila’s psychology novels. Am offended. I only read them for the plot.

Day -16: Hobbits are apparently smaller than dwarves. Cannot wait to be taller than someone. Am properly excited.

Day -15: Nikiforov apparently packed his whole wardrobe for the journey. Cannot truly say I did not expect this. My warriors hide in my cape, ready to spring on unsuspecting enemies and claw their eyes out. They are not “so cute!” as Nikiforov implies. He is an ignorant, and must be eliminated as soon as possible.

Day -10: Nikiforov has run out of natural glitter. Have never seen someone so utterly devastated. Must make sure to steal the glitter more often back in Rivendell.

Day -5: Nikiforov tries to tell me about the mysterious hobbit we’re supposed to abduct and manipulate. He says I will be happy, because the hobbit is slightly younger than I am in human years. I tell him I will not be happy, because I will be with a hobbit. Nikiforov has nothing to say to that.

Day -3: Arrival at The Shire. It is disgustingly cheerful. Nikiforov tells me to “keep still” until he finds the our target. I tell him to “go fuck yourself”, and proceed to wander around the Shire. Have discovered that hobbits are, in fact, quite shorter than me. They also eat ridiculous amounts of food. I approve of both these facts. Have written down several interesting recipes for Grandfather to make when I am back in Mirkwood.

Day -2: Nikiforov comes back with our kidnapped hobbit. He does not look like much of a magical creature. He is also, indignantly, called “Yuuri”, which amuses NIkiforov to no end, and ignores my attempts at being at peace, alone , insisting that I eat far too little. Am astounded he thinks I consider his opinions about me relevant. Believe the disgusting hobbit and Nikiforov are carrying on an illicit love affair, if their repugnant longing looks are anything to go by. I fear for my virtue.

Day -1: Hobbit: “Well, Victor, I don’t -” Nikiforov: “Did you...did you just call me by my given name?” Hobbit, while an alarming shade of red: “I’m so sorry, please, excuse me -” Nikiforov, the same shade: “No, uh, it’s fine.” I wish for the sweet relief of death.

Day 0:  After a day of making eyes at Nikiforov, like only the blind do, Frighteningly Cheerful Hobbit invites us to sleep at his “hobbit hole” before our journey… I do not know what his “hole” refers to, and do not wish to know. Grandfather...hobbits are such deviants.

Day 1: We set off. Hobbit has forgotten his Pork Cutlet Bowl knife. We return to his “hole” (a type of house in the ground, I was mistaken, Grandfather, although it was painful for the height of the ceiling. Nikiforov, I am happy to say, was hurt much more badly than I was. But he did share a room with the Hobbit, which is a greater punishment than any creature needs) and get it. We set off once more. Nikiforov has forgotten his hairbrush. I throw one of my warriors at him to end his life. Warrior just meows. Am tired of this journey already.

Day 5: Have finally reached Bree. Easily Terrified Hobbit fidgets incessantly and clings to Nikiforov’s arm like a pest. He, disgustingly, seems to enjoy it immensely, smiling besottedly at the creature and making the hobbit get flustered in increasingly obvious ways. Have decided to find some poison in case they act any more smitten around each other. Bought food and blankets for my fellow warriors, although it was of an abysmally low quality. Strangely, miss Rivendell, in a It-was-terrible-but-familiar way. Must make sure to never grow attached to any place again.

Day 12: Hobbit has learnt about elven mealtimes, and is horrified. “How dare you, Victor?” he shouted at Nikiforov today, “Yuri is a child , he must be fed much more than this! I can’t believe you’d be so irresponsible! How many meals does he have a day, huh? Huh?!” Nikiforov, looking terrified and backing up, even though he is almost twice the hobbit’s heights, replied, “Um...three, four times per day?” This is my only source of entertainment, Grandfather. The Hobbit is currently not speaking to him, refusing to even look at him, and treats me like a newborn elf, which offends me greatly. Am glad he has seen the light regarding Nikiforov, although he is completely mistaken. I am not a child, and do not need feeding.

Day 17: ....the Hobbit’s cooking is surprisingly edible. Am fine with being a child for him. Hope Mila never finds out. Must destroy all evidence. Hobbit is elated, and calls me “dear”. Must kill him, too.

Day 18: After reflecting on it for a day, cannot believe hobbits are so advanced in the culinary department. Although they lack many other attributes (like basic intelligence and a sense of common decency), they certainly have a great amount of talent and ingenuity regarding sustenance. Truly remarkable creatures, these hobbits, even if they are inferior to us. They eat seven meals a day, Grandfather. Must market this. Inform the Financial Advisor, Yuri Purrsetsky.

Day 19: As of today, have been attacked by orcs, most of them riding drooling wargs (utterly repulsive), trolls and several unpleasant inebriated humans. Nikiforov is ecstatic that Hobbit attracts them to us. The Hobbit does not look as pleased with the confrontations, and has resumed his desperate clinging to Nikiforov, apparently forgiving him for starving me. I enjoy myself while making clever jokes about how the hobbit should learn to handle Nikiforov’s “sword”, and cackle evilly when he flushes.

Day 35: Mila has sent me a letter. It says: “LOL VICTOR SAYS YOU EAT HOBBIT FOOD YOU FUCKING NERD”.  Nikiforov will die tonight. Am prepared to run from the law.

Day 48: Hobbit insists my brethren are “adorable”. I inform him it is a slight on his part, as they are fierce warriors who could kill him in his sleep. Warrior Dreaded Claw discredits me by purring while the Hobbit pets him. Feel betrayed by my comrades.

Day 50: The Hobbit keeps touching my warriors. Get your hands off them, you filthy mongrel .

Day 53: Nikiforov has joined the warrior shaming, most likely to get points from Hobbit, who is delighted someone supports him.  Nikiforov takes advantage of this by putting his hand on the Hobbit's shoulder and walking him everywhere to "get stuff for your kittens, Yuri!". Hobbit makes a point to coo every single time he sees me with my warriors. Am offended this behaviour is allowed to continue without any repercussions, and consider it a baseless infantilization of my noble and solemn partners. EDIT: Must remember to heat the milk I bought for Sharp Fang, as she is sensitive to cold liquids and too young to be risking her health.

Day 60: The Hobbit Yuuko (AKA The Least Unbearable Hobbit I Have Ever Met) has sent me a letter. It is three feet of parchment long, and she explains in great detail how goats are raised in different climates. Am unsure what she means by this. Will ask Hobbit if this is part of some sick courtship ritual between these creatures.

Day 62: Not As Annoying As Most Hobbits has sent another letter. Apparently, the first one was for somebody else. In my letter, she tells me how to take care of my “luscious, glorious hair, Yuri!” and gives me advice on proper elven fashion. ...do not know which of the two was worse.

Day 73: They have not kissed. They very pointedly do not sleep in the same tent. I can feel the gods’ anger. Cannot deal with the residual traces of sexual tension in the air. Am unable to sleep for fear of them starting to become... intimate while I find myself in deep slumber, ignorant of the horrors happening next to me. Am considering calling the Furry Wizard to take me in, such is my desperation.

Day 80: Fought a dragon. Meh, could’ve been better. Hobbit rewarded us for saving his life by giving us some of its Pork magic dish.

Day 95: Caught Nikiforov writing love poems. Am appalled at bad writing more than anything else. Example: “I really like your dark eyes / and all the other parts of your face. Your butt is the perfect size / and I would love to see you in lace.” Hope the Hobbit cannot read, or am afraid this love story will not have a pleasant ending.

Day 105: The Hobbit has sewn pockets into my Tiger Monster cape to keep my warriors there as we travel. Hobbit is extremely worried for my health and that of my brethren, so I allow him to live one more day. Must use him as blackmail against Nikiforov.

Day 110:  "I wonder about all the eros you can give me." The hobbit thinks this is an intercultural thing, and is blushing in a ridiculous manner. I am concerned about the education received in the Shire. I fear for Nikiforov’s blood pressure. Do not know if I will escape to a safe place before he inevitably jumps the Hobbit.

Day 117: Fifty Shades of Gandalf visits us. He says, “Victor Nikiforov, the greatest fighter in the realm, whose name is feared and revered alike. What is your destiny, what dream are you chasing with this strange ensemble of companions and felines?” Nikiforov tells him some bullshit about becoming his better self and chasing something to challenge himself. Am convinced he thought, “Getting da booty.”

Day 134: Am sitting on a moderately comfortable rock, because this is the luxury a young, outstanding elf can find near the Misty Mountains. The Very Hungry Hungry Hobbit comes up to me. “Yuri,” he says. He is clearly nervous, fidgeting and glancing around us to see if anyone is in the area. I understand this because the Hobbit is incapable of surviving on his own (it is a miracle he has reached his age without being murdered) and I feel for him, the same way I do for small rodents, cockroaches, or Victor Nikiforov. “Yuri,” he says again, while I daydream about squashing him immediately after making him reveal the ‘Most Glorious Katsudon’ recipe, “Do you think Victor likes me?”

I…

I am going back to Mirkwood.

I cannot be expected to stand this. I’m out. Grandfather, I’m coming back.

Day 141: “But, like. Do you think, um, an elf and a hobbit would like, work ? Cause, um, I’m just… very out of my depth? I really appreciate you listening to me, Yuri.” I hate my immortal existence.

Day 158: Yuuko The Most Tolerable Hobbit sends me a portrait of her minuscule hobbit triplets with straw in their head and wearing animal skins, and writes below it, They have a new idol! Am unsure if I should be pleased with this or not. Must write to them about how to improve their fashion skills. Hmmm. On second thought, might be a good idea to have some minions.

Day 173: Nikiforov has decided to teach the Hobbit how to dance, and thinks that the best way for it to go is to educate his worryingly tiny mate in some elven dancing and rites. He has failed to take into account that the Hobbit’s head barely reaches his waist. Watching them flail is the best fun I’ve had in ages.

Day 174: Nikiforov has decided that, since I am only slightly taller than the Hobbit (a fact that I am immensely proud of) we must dance together. Although I thought it terrible and meaningless at first, am now greatly entertained when Nikiforov flinches the moment I put my hands on the Hobbit. Cannot control the urge to smirk. The Hobbit is, of course, completely oblivious.

Day 192: Wake up to the sounds of the Unpleasant Hobbit moaning Victor's name. Proceed to whack them with a stick and scream, yelling profanities at them. Human raiders attack us because of it. I regret nothing.

Day 193: Hobbit is sheepish and refuses to make eye contact with me (good for him), flushing and turning away, giggling, every time That Wretched Elf touches him. Nikiforov, on the other hand, enjoys pulling his undershirt down to show the disgusting marks he left on him. Retreat to eat dinner with my brethren, huffing.

Day 206: “I hope you know that… it won’t change things, that me and Victor are together. I know you two are close, and I don’t want to get in the way of that, Yuri. It would be great if you could come to like me, too. I think you’re a great warrior, and an even better elf.” I fucking hate Hobbits and I do not tear up, no matter what Nikiforov claims. I long for the day I can murder him without repercussions.

Day 218: Nikiforov decides to adopt some rabbits. Do not know if Hobbit will be okay with having children so early into their relationship. My warriors are not unhappy with the development, although Obscure Fur is still on the fence about the bigger one.

Day 219: Hobbit grows a spine and makes Nikiforov release the rabbits. “Victor, they need to be free!” “But you let Yuri keep his kittens!” “They’re his family , Victor, and they are adorable !” Am growing to like the Hobbit more each day. What a pity that he is such an inferior creature.

Day 226: Nevermind. Must remember to always sleep with my whacking stick in hand to avoid a repeat. Will be scarred forever. Did not expect the Hobbit to be this... adventurous . Will stop thinking about the Hobbit in that context.

Day 248: "Yuuri, I...I think you've changed me. I've never felt like this before, never wanted to be with someone else so badly that my heart ached. You're...you're a shooting star across the dark night that is my life, lighting my path." "Uh...yeah, um, me too, Victor." Do not know how hobbits are still alive, if that is their standard reproductive behaviour. Will inform Grandfather not to invest in the hobbit gardening industry, as it might end in the near future because of hobbit shortage. My stick has been graced with another whacking, and Nikiforov coincidentally has another bruise, this time not because of his disgusting deviant tendencies, which are quite unbecoming of an elf of his breeding.

Day 253: I…

Another dragon found us today, while we were travelling. I was not worried, as I have grown used to Nikiforov handling every monstrous creature thrown our way without trouble. The Flamboyant Elf didn’t disappoint this time, of course, but he took longer than usual. Hobbit, in his stupid panic, tried to help. Hobbit...Yuuri (I might call him by his given name, as he might be dead by tomorrow) got injured. I… Saw Nikiforov crying for the first time. Do not want to see it again. Grandfather...have you seen this before? The way an elf fears for their mortal lover? Is this pain the one the stories talk about, woven in the songs? Will Nikiforov, too, die with the Hobbit? ...Will I be left alone?

Day 255: The Hobbit hasn’t woken up. Nikiforov does not leave his side. The ingredients for the past two nights’ dinner are still in the Hobbit’s bag, but I am not hungry. My brethren refuse to eat, as well. That wretched Hobbit should die, as stupid and careless as he is. He will do nothing but bring us grief.

Day 279: After weeks of fever and incessant worrying, the Hobbit is once again healthy.  I tell him it would be a shame if he died before I could torture him to punish him for his misdeeds and insults to my person. He insists on fussing over me, as I am, apparently “too skinny, oh god, did Victor even feed you?”. His desire to take care of me (as if I needed it, the self-centered bastard) must wait, given the fact that Nikiforov hasn’t let go of him for the past twelve hours. Am shocked and repulsed to find that I do not find it as disgusting as I once did. Must be a side effect of living with these deviants.

Day 284: Send poison, Grandfather, I beg of you. My dutiful army of terrifying kittens, it is time to fulfill our destiny and end the suffering in this world. I cannot bear this any longer. Grandfather, you might be disappointed in me if I become a murderer, fleeing the law and taking refuge in the dwarven mountains, but I will not witness the Irritatingly Red Hobbit feeding Victor that Precious Katsudon once more. No more .

Day 290: The Hobbit insists on us visiting the Shire for some time. He says he must give news to his family, and it has been too long since he was home. Nikiforov immediately agreed with the Hobbit and disregarded my protests, because he is whipped. Heard the Hobbit talking about introducing Nikiforov to his family. Am slightly impressed with how manipulative he can be.

Day 302: One of my warriors gave birth to more of our troops last night. Hobbit is delighted, and helps me care of them. I watch him carefully to make sure he does not try to harm them, although I doubt he has enough of a brain to have ulterior motives. Nikiforov enjoys teasing me about them, “Weren’t they supposed to be fearsome warriors who needed no assistance, Yuri?” I retort with, “Weren’t you supposed to be pretty , Nikiforov? People lie.”

Day 305: Nikiforov is still sulking about the comment I made. Hobbit tries to reassure him he is pretty with an endless stream of compliments, and kisses an unnecessary amount of times in my presence. I do my best to ignore them, and fantasize about  tearing them apart limb by limb.

Day 317: Have finally arrived at the Shire, and am quite excited to see Yuuko, The Almost Pleasant Hobbit once more. Perhaps will enjoy my time with my “fans”, the triplets. Have received a letter from Mila. It reads: “Is it true Victor’s banging that Hobbit? Omg, take pictures!”. Did not reply.

Day 319: I take all my nice words about my fans back.Children are demons and I cannot wait to leave the Shire. Why must they exist? When I voiced my complaints to Nikiforov, who looks like an extremely suspiciously happy elf after leaving  Bumbling Fool Hobbit's room in the morning, he cackles very unattractively and says, "But you are a child, Yuri." Grandfather, this is harassment.

Day 321: Have caught a ‘cold’ from the fiendish triplets. I fear for my life. Grandfather, it has been good knowing you. Must say goodbye to my brethren. Wish to die surrounded by them, in proper elvish attire, while Nikiforov’s body burns on a spike.

Day 324: The Hobbit has established himself as my own physician, and pretends to know any knowledge about basic medicine while sharing his observations with an actual medical professional in the Shire. Have made peace with the Hobbit’s overwhelming stupidity. Nikiforov tries to  help, but Hobbit hisses at him and possessively calls me “his patient”. Am overjoyed that this makes the Drama Queen Elf pout.

Day 328: Am feeling much better, and do not think I will die soon. Yuuko brings me pie, which I feel is the least I deserve after her devilish children got me infected.

Day 330: Today, the Bondage Wizard With A Pointy Hat came to the Shire. He informed us that the Hobbit  does not in fact attract any magical creatures at all, and it was all his doing. Therefore, this journey was a road to self-realization (except I somehow got strung along. Funny how it is never wizards that get caught up in “destiny”.). Nikiforov looks slightly annoyed, but is disgustingly happy with the Hobbit. I am not blinded by these trivial matters, and proceed to whack the Bondage Wizard with my stick. Cannot believe I wasted a year of my life on this useless adventure. Will be back soon, Grandfather.

Day 373: Am back in Rivendell. Mila is calling herself “a huge Nikatsuki shipper”, which could possibly be her new cult name. Yakov yells at me, which is normal. Miss the Hobbit’s cooking, if not his presence. Definitely do not miss Nikiforov, not in the slightest.

Day 458: Have received an invitation to the Hobbit and Nikiforov’s wedding. Have advised Mila to bring arsenic in case they engage in intimate activities while in the presence of others. Will consider taking Grandfather with me, so he can inspect the culinary developments in the Shire. Yuuko says the couple is “so adorable, Yuri!”. Poor deluded hobbit.

fin

[wanderingblackdragon]

The Ed-Venture Auditions Chapter 1

Foreword and Author's Notes: Well, never thought I’d be posting here. I’m here on a friend’s suggestion that I try posting fanfiction on this site. I’ve been trying to write fanfiction, particularly of Ed, Edd ‘n Eddy for years, with varying success. But, with FF.net’s Ed’s section being taken over by the yaoi fangirls and its increasingly restrictive rules. Perhaps that site is dead already. And so, he we are.

There are many reasons why I'm here, writing this. For one,I've promised myself that I would finish a series of fanfiction before moving on to more original works. Secondly, I always liked the interactive nature of story-telling on the internet, since it's a platform for people not only critique someone's work, but also discuss and trade ideas... As rarely as the latter happens.

The series is about several things. But, chief among them will be potential. I want to take some of my (and hope yours as well) favorite characters and showcase what (I think) they're truly capable of. Another theme is Evolution. I want to show how that potential can lead people, places, relationships and so on to evolve. With this series, I hope to use a variety of settings and scenarios to explore various themes with our favorite Eds & friends as the front-men.

Finally, this series is an AU in which the events of Big Picture Show did not occur. The reason I'm doing this is because I feel the ending of the series was not only contrived, but also messed up some things in continuity; such as the reason for Eddy's behavior and what his brother is actually like.

Acknowledgements:

Cocobean3: The only beta reader who's proven helpful, even if most of your ideas ended up being scrapped. I look forward to our continued interactions. I also still need to get back to reading your stuff.

Voodooknight & Kingcobra: My friends from Enclave and Skype. Thank you for letting me rattle on about my ideas and giving me someone to bounce ideas off with. Even if Voodoo spent most of it talking about his imaginary sexlife with his waifu :P

SuzumeCA: One of my favorite writers, and a big inspiration for me for a long time. I hope you're doing well. And when are you gonna update?! I WANT MY YURI! (JK)

Riiser: Host of WebcomicRelief on youtube and possibly my harshest critic. Thank you for your help and giving me the criticisms I need to get my head together.

BathVader: If it wasn't for you, I would've given up on this site and left months ago. Thank you for still trying to breathe life into this and I hope more people follow your example!

Disclaimer: I don't own squat. Everything the light touches still belongs to Danny Antonucci, that glorious bastard!

"Summer rains: You can never predict them."

With the first day of summer vacation, came the first rains of the summer season. From his living room window, Eddward Marian "Double D" Vincent, watched his neighbors scurry out of the thick downpour and into their respective dwellings. Except two that scurried towards his front door. Which was why Edd rose to retrieve towels, rather than return to his reading.

He counted the seconds as he ascended the stairs, retrieved a blue and green towel, basket and a hair dryer from the linen closet, then descended the stairs just in time to open the door. On the other side, stood Ed Horace Hill and Eddy Skipper Sampson, with their hands up to pound on the Vincents' front door.

"Good morning, gentlem-!"

"Can you believe this shit, Double D?!" Snatching the green towel and hand dryer, Eddy pushed passed his friend, kicking his shoes off into the "Designated shoe area" between strides and already began drying himself off before Edd could complain.

Edd winced. "What I can't believe is your language, Eddy!"

"Hey, we're outta middle school now, so I ain't gotta worry about standards anymore! Besides, What's more mature than swearin'?"

"Eddy, don't you know profuse profanity is the sign of immaturity and/or limited vocabulary?" Edd lectured with a wagging finger, "Furthermore, it's far too early for such course language!"

Finding a spot to plug in the hand dryer, Eddy turned its hot breeze on himself.

"Are you kiddin'?!" it's the first day'a summer and it friggin' rains!" Eddy complained.

"Well, Eddy, you know how the weather can be. The rain will stop in about an hour from now." Edd explained. Suddenly, he noticed Ed had laid his towel on the floor, crawled on it on all-fours and proceeded to shake himself dry. "Ed!" Edd cried and ran after him with a sponge and a bucket.

"An hour?!" Eddy gasped, "The hell are we supposed to do 'till then?!"

"Oh, I know! We can count teeth! I've been trying to break my record since last year, Eddy!" Ed said.

Edd was beginning to wonder when this lovable oaf would stop bewildering him. "You have a record for counting teeth, Ed?" he looked at Ed whilst his hands still worked the sponge against the splattered walls.

Ed nodded, his typical grin taking up his face. "Yep! I got all the way up to four last year, Double D!" With no further prompt, Ed opened his mouth as wide as he could, and his elastic blue tongue began to prod over his (admittedly) crooked and plaque-ridden teeth. "One... Twoooo... Threee-"

"Ed, might I suggest something more enlightening?" Edd cut in. With the wall (re)cleaned, he moved to lift his book from the coffee table and presented it to the other Eds.

They stared at it. Edd's hopeful grin drained away.

Ed craned his head to one side and tried to read the cover. "M-My... Those-and..."

"A book, Double D?!" Eddy snapped, "To hell with that! It's summer time! School's out! We shouldn't be reading anything!"

"Yeah, books make my brain hurt!" Ed added.

Edd rolled his eyes,; not like those comic books are doing it any favors. He turned the book's cover to face him. "There's a lot one can learn from books, fellows! For example, this book, titled "My Thousand miles" written by Andrew McDonald. It's about the tale of a factory worker who decided to take a trek of one-thousands steps, on a spiritual journey of self-discovery!" Edd explained. "In fact there any many fascinating anecdotes about social commentary, family, friendship, politics and the human condition! In fact one of my favorite passage..."

There Edd went lecturing again. With the bookworm's excitement dribbling through one ear and out the other, Eddy's glazed eyes wandered for something more interesting to look out.

"... Why in fact, it's a Los Angeles Times Bestseller, and-"

"Oh, a bestseller, huh?" Eddy feigned interest, "I'll bet this guy's just rolling in cash!"

"Well, authors who tend to become bestsellers aren't exactly living off peanuts, Eddy!" Edd confirmed, "It's also won an award for best Non-fiction last year"

Bestseller... Something about that term grabbed Eddy's brain. Bestseller meant that lots of people bought it. That meant it made money. And if it was featured in a major newspaper like L.A Times, then meant more people would buy it. Which meant more money. And an award? That meant people really liked it. Which meant more people would buy it. Which meant more money.

More money

If that book took Eddy's attention before; it was now holding it hostage. Eddy never cared for books. They were huge bundles of boring that adults made him read just to piss him off. Double D loved them because he was a boring sap who loved to please adults. Oh, Eddy should slap himself! The answer to a lifelong quest was right in Edd's hands, staring him in the face. In fact, hasn't it always?

And from the look setting itself into Eddy's face, Ed and Edd watched him with an oblivious smile and an arched brow respectively.

"I think Eddy's got another idea, Double D!" Ed cheered.

Edd frowned, "That's what I'm afraid of, Ed."

"THAT'S IT, GUYS!" Eddy burst. He jumped up to stand on the easy chair, thrusting a finger at the ceiling, shouting "We should publish a book!"

And just as quickly, Edd's fears evaporated. "That's a wonderful idea, Eddy! Why, producing a literary work of our own should be an excellent way to flex our creative muscles- not to mention actually doing something constructive for once!"

"What was that last bit, Double D?" Eddy asked.

"Oh, nothing, nothing!" Edd covered

"Anyway, so what's our bestselling novel gonna be about?"

Ed's hand immediately shot up and waved about. "Oh, I got an idea, Eddy! I got an idea!" He didn't bother to wait for a response, "Our book is about the time we were kidnapped to the underground lair of a mad scientist, where he performed wicked experiments to turn us into mutant butterflies...!" And to demonstrate, Ed had climbed atop of the sofa and began to flap his arms about.

Edd already knew how this would end. The coffee table was right in front of Ed too. "ED, NO-WAIT!"

Ed jumped from the sofa, trying to flap his arms to fly. Mercifully, gravity allowed Ed to "fly" over the fagile glass table, then Eddy's head before it yanked him to the floor with a THUD. Face to the carpet, Ed continued to flap his arms haplessly, whilst impotently wiggling about the floor. He went on, "... After a daring escape, we find that we must suck the bone marrow of Major League Baseball players in order to survive!"

Edd and Eddy watched at the boy pounce on a couch pillow and reeled his head back to drain the hapless furniture of its bone marrow, just before Edd managed to snatch, re-fluff and replace the pillow in its assigned position.

"Perhaps something more down to earth, Ed?" Edd suggested, "Instead; I suggest a memoir in which we camp out in the forests, exploring its lush nature landscapes, cataloging and studying the diverse and fascinating local wildlife?"

The way Eddy glared at him was answer enough.

In the brief moment Edd prepared to plead his case, Eddy's finger thrust to the ceiling and his voice blared, "We're gonna make a-..." Eddy snapped his fingers. The word was on the tip of his tongue, "... A...!" Come on, vocabulary, don't fail him now! "... Damnit! What's it called when you write a story about yer'self, Double D?"

"Autobiography, Eddy." Edd supplied.

"... Yeah! We're gonna write an auto-biology about our totally awesome and kickass adventures!"

"Cool!" Ed said.

Edd merely quirked his brow, his fears returning with a vengeance. "Surely, you're not referring to the innumerous failed attempts at conning the other children out of their allowance, and/or gain their acceptance as peers? Who in their right mind would want to read about that?"

"Psst! That's kids stuff, Double D...!" Eddy dismissed with a wave.

"So, you admit your hair brained schemes were, in fact, hair brain-" When Eddy beaned Edd with the pillow, he didn't expect the sock-hatted one to fall over from the force.

"As I was sayin'!" Eddy barked, "All that's just kid's stuff! These adventures are gonna be big time, boys! I'm talkin' an action-adventure-kung-fu-political-thriller-heist-porno-comedy!"

By then, Edd had recovered from Eddy's assault with a pillow and moved to place it back from where Eddy had grabbed it. Once it was properly re-fluffed and placed back in its designated position, he asked, "Eddy, what events in our lives have ever met the standards of such a convoluted and ridiculous genre? Have you and Ed learned nothing from that school newspaper dabocile?"

"'Course I have, Sock-head!" Eddy answered, "And that's why we're gonna do it for real first!"

"It's adventure time!" Ed added

"Am I the only one who can see how this would go wrong?" Edd wondered to himself more than anything.

"Whatcha on about this time?!"

Edd took the momentary silence to construct his case. "For instance: One of the genre you listed was "Kung-Fu", implying it will involve martial arts -and knowing you, combat-. However, the only martial arts experience any of us have was a dojo scam -which failed-, and your ill-fated attempts to make Jimmy a sumo wrestler -which was doomed from the start, admittedly-."

"What, I never told you I know the deadliest style around, Double D?"

"Oh, and I still remember those sumo moves from TV, Double D!" Ed chimed in. He never realized they weren't watching him slip out of his clothes, tie his jacket into a makeshift Mawashi and begin to range about the living room, felling imaginary enemies with deadly belly thrusts. "SUCKY-YUCKY!"

"... And what, may I ask, is this "Deadliest style around", Eddy?" Edd wearily challenged.

"Outta my way, Samurai warrior! For I'm a mission! TOYOTA!"

Eddy hopped off the chair and extended his arms in some unidentifiable pose. "It's a secret and deadly technique known as..." Edd thought the pause was an invitation to speak, "... Whup-ass!"

What could Edd say to something so ridiculous? Whup-A$$? The name in itself told him all he needed to know. "Pardon?"

Meanwhile, Ed's imaginary battle had taken him to the kitchen "HA! Thought you could sneak up on me, deadly cyborg ninja of the Wasabi clan! Your exploding taser shuriken are no match for my Burr-head Bump! MITSUBISHI!"

THUD

"Whupass, Double D, is the fighting style my brother invented it after he won the world kickboxin' championship when he was eight! He taught it to me when I was five! I managed to get my quadruple black belt before he left!"

Ed's battle with his imaginary nemeses had taken him outside into the rain. "Release Princess Momo, evil tentacle monster from the Makai dimension! For I, Yokuzuna Ed will not allow you to molest her with your tentacle-ness...! Oh, no! It's got me! It seems I have no choice...! SEGA!"

CRASH

"Barring the obvious..." Edd began evenly, "Firstly, Eddy: black belts are ranked by degrees, not multiples. Secondly: It sounds like your brother was simply pulling your leg again. After all, what professional fighting circuit in their right mind would allow a child to compete against grown adults?"

"The kind that knows my brother's the man, Double D! Just like I'm gonna be when this book becomes a bestseller!" Eddy gloated.

"Right. Just, what would we be doing in this overly elaborate and I'm assuming dangerous adventure of yours?" Edd asked.

"Obviously kickass stuff, Double D!" Eddy answered, "With car chases and gun-sword fights with ninjas while rescuing the President! Followed by debriefing 'n cocktails where I make out with his hot daughters!"

Where to begin? "And for what purpose would we be doing any of this?" Edd questioned

"'Cause that's what badasses do, Double D! Like Jack Bauer, and Jason Stathem!"

"That's not answering the question, Eddy!" Edd sighed, "Why would we be doing any of these things? Who is chasing whom in these car chases? Why we are getting into -as you put it- gun/sword fights with ninja assassins? Why would it fall to us; three average middle school graduates to rescue the president rather than, say, the secret service, C.I.A., military, or even law enforcement, who, such a task would rightfully fall upon? And from what threat?"

Eddy sucked his teeth, "What, don't you see the movies, Double D? Those hacks couldn't keep a cheeseburger from gettin' eaten at a vegan convention!"

"That's a strangely specific analogy..." Edd mused.

Eddy shrugged, "Hey, they can't all be gold."

"But, in that case, look at it like a movie. What is the plot, the goal? There's a reason James Bond is getting into car chases and fights and lurid one night stands: and that's to attain a singular goal of stopping whatever terrorist is threatening the world at the time!"

"What, you mean the boring shit that happens between the good stuff?" Eddy shot back, "Nobody cares about that, Double D! It's just there to pad out the movie and shut up soccer moms who keep bitchin' about "It's too violent and sexualized"!"

"Like your mother, Eddy?" Edd quipped. Yet, there was a better point to make, "Liste; even Ed's idea had a plot! Plot is the driving force of the story! It breathes life into it! Plot gives the events meaning through context! Plot gives the characters motivation through conflict! It's the glue that holds everything together!"

"Oh, and what's the "plot" to your idea, Double D?" Eddy snapped, "We go out to look at birds 'n flowers 'n crap, 'cause you're too big a wuss to go on a real adventure!?"

"There's far more to it than just observing bird and plant life, Eddy!" Edd shot back, "It's about the adventure of traversing beautiful landscapes and exploring the simple wonders of the natural world, the deepening bonds of friendship that we share and the spiritual journey we take within ourselves to discover who we truly are!"

"I can sum that up in two words: Snores. Ville!"

Edd deflated in a huff. "At this rate, we're not even going to make it to the foreword."

"Well, where are we supposed to get a "plot" from, Double D?" Eddy snapped, "Outta the mailbox?!"

As if on some cue, Edd's front door swung open, as Ed had used his head to jar it open. In his hand was a flyer. "You've got mail!"

The three Eds were seated around the coffee table. Edd had spent the five minutes prior inspecting the strange letter with a magnifying glass. On the sofa across from him sat the other Eds. Ed took another crack at his teeth-counting record. He almost made it. Eddy on the other end, busily drummed his fingers over the armrest. He had finally mastered the baseline to James Brown's "Big Payback"

But, he'd waited long enough. "So, what's it say, Double D? I'll be it's from the president! I told you my idea was gold!"

"Actually, I've yet to read it, Eddy." Edd pointed out. Setting the magnifying glass on the table, Edd flipped the sheet over to give it one last glance over. "I find it strange that there's no return address..."

"So, what's it say?" Eddy urged.

Edd cleared his throat,

To Mr. Eddward Marian-

Ed and Eddy's snickering broke his concentration. A frown quickly silenced them. But, not without Ed getting a quick "That's a girl's name!" out.

Edd rolled his eyes.

To Mr. Eddward Marian "Double D" Vincent.

Please excuse the frankness of this letter, and the dubious circumstances upon which it had been delivered. However, time is of the essence and I lack the ability to grant you the delicacy this situation requires. First and foremost, I am a representative of a network of explorers, scientists, philosophers, artists, activists, and those of the inclination to use their talents for the betterment of good and the on-gong pursuit of knowledge! It is my utmost honor to extend to you an invitation to join this illustrious, and ever expanding network; by taking part in our upcoming summer training camp.

It is an intensive program, open only to those with great potential. In this camp, you will have the opportunity to study advanced scientific fields such as quantum physic-

"Lemme see that!" ignoring Edd's cry of protest, Eddy swiftly snatched the letter away and nearly sundered it. A skim later, Eddy looked up at Edd with a flat stare. "You should getcha eyes checked, Double D! It doesn't say anything about some "Advanced scientific fields"!"

"Is that so?" Edd replied, "Because that is clearly what was stated in the letter, Eddy!"

"No it ain't! It actually says..."

Are you a bad enough badass to take part in the most manliest, badass-est, explosive, and most exclusive camp ever made?! Forget the Urban Rangers! Only the toughest, most awesomest badasses ever are invited!

Rub elbows with famous and important people from all over! Hang out and "study" with the hottest, vivacious babes that'll make that girl next door look like Jane Plain 'n Tall! Learn the tricks of the trade from the world's most elite spies, assassins and men of dange-

"Oh my turn, Eddy!" When Ed grabbed the letter...

"Ed, you be careful with that!" Edd whined,

Ed ended up catapulting Eddy into the wall behind him, before perusing the letter proper. Then he stopped, and nearly twisted his head a full one-hundred-eighty degrees to shake his head at Eddy. "Tsk, tsk, Eddy! That's not what the letter says!"

"Yes, thank you, Ed." Edd sighed, "I was wondering where Eddy got that ridiculous-"

"It actually says..."

Hark, adventurer! For there is evil afoot! Are you brave enough to face that which goes bump in the night? Are you ready to journey into the depths of the final frontier to take on the Borg Collective and save the universe from assimilation? Then do not hesitate to join this year's Adventurer's Training Camp!

Train with the toughest, hardest and most fearless superheroes, space outlaws, demon hunters and vikings from across the multiverse! Learn about the many strange and exotic creatures unknown to man! Learn how to rescue princesses from evil mutant turtles, and become the hero you were meant to be!

Oh, and there'll also be snacks!

"Ed, if I may?" Edd asked at length.

When Ed handed back the letter, Edd skimmed through what he read until he landed where he left off. He glanced up at Eddy picking himself from the floor and storming back to the couch, then followed his glowering to Ed's empty headed smile, then back to the letter. What on earth were they reading? Sometimes people will see what they want. Ah, here's where Edd left off.

… Quantum Physics, chronology, archaeology, investigative psychology, astronomy, to name a few. However, I must also inform you that this invitation is only valid if you come as part of a group of six. Please have your group assembled and call 843-362867 before June 2nd.

Regards.

But who's regards? Setting the letter down, Edd paid little attention to Eddy snatching it from the table, and juggled the whole thing in his mind. For one, that phone number only had nine digits; a standard phone number, including the area code, had ten. The rest of this letter was written exquisitely well, so why would the sender allow it to be sent with this typo? Furthermore, the prerequisites were most unusual; shouldn't the sender also send invitations to those other five? Of course there was still the fact that the letter lacked a return address, and now a name.

"June second?" Eddy parroted, making Edd look up and watch him strain to answer his own question.

"That's tomorrow, Eddy." Edd supplied.

"TOMORROW?! HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND THREE MORE PEOPLE BEFORE THEN?! ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S RAINING?!" Sometimes Edd wondered how Eddy's voicebox didn't give out from all that yelling.

"Well, as I stated, Eddy, the rain ought to stop soon." Edd explained, "However, don't you think we should be more concerned about the mysterious circumstances of this letter?"

"I told ya, it's from the president!" Eddy dismissed with a grin.

Of course, only Eddy would think that. However, Ed's finger rose to draw the other Eds' attention and halt any doubting retorts Edd thought up.

"I think I just thunk, guys!" Ed announced, and Edd winced at that butchered grammar, "We should do tryouts and stuff, like that one time we had a talent show and my eyebrow started growing all over me!"

And so Eddy's grin made room for thought. He nodded, "Yeah, not a bad idea, Lumpy!"

"Or..." Edd interjected, "The Urban Rangers are holding a meeting today. Perhaps, we ought to invite-"

Eddy's laugh was the fourth time he interrupted Edd, and all the answer he needed. "Ha ha hell no!"

An hour later, the downpour had indeed ended. The endless grays painting the skies broke into soft patches of white, and a vengeful sun worked to dry the lands. When the three Eds stepped out of the Vincent house, Ed was armed with a stack of fliers nearly as high as he was tall. Edd nearly worked his father's printer to death to make those.

Throwing his palm up on the oaf's shoulder, Eddy coached him, "Now, remember, Ed: Put those fliers anywhere 'n everywhere in town! Got it, lumpy?"

Balancing the wavering stack in one hand, Ed saluted Eddy, "Roger Wilco!" then broke into a mad dash. A litter of fliers followed Ed as he rounded the corner out of the cul-de-sac. He could last be heard shouting "I'm on a mission, beeyatch!"

The spectacle tickled Eddy, making him hunch over as he laughed. Edd could only shake his head; Eddy's sudden preference for profanity had infected Ed as well. Edd could only hope this wouldn't become an epidemic. But, the decline of clean language would have to wait, as there was a stand that needed building and a junkyard full of materials to raid.

Of course, Edd would get his exercise for the day, as he was made to drag the pile of plywood and a discarded kitchen counter back to the cul-de-sac by some miracle. The construction of the actual stand would prove less strenuous, if arduous, since Eddy burdened himself with a most important task: Lounging on a lawn chair and soaking up the sun's fury.

Perilously perched on a rickety ladder, Edd had to steady every fiber of his being as he nailed the sign, reading "Eds' Adventurer's Auditions" in his meticulously tight print, to the top.

Occasionally Eddy would shout some encouragement, "C'mon, Double D! I ain't getting' any younger!"

"You kno- OH!"

With a jolt, Edd managed to grasp the half-secured sign as the ladder slipped from under him. Trapped, Edd's arms squeezed into the splintering wood, his body fighting to still itself.

"Eddy! Help me!" Edd wailed.

With a reflector blasting bright white rays into his face, Eddy even couldn't burden himself with looking up. "You got it, Double D!" He shouted back.

"Eddy! Eddy, the sign's slipping! I'm going down! I'M GOING- AAAH!" The sound of Edd's lithe frame smacking against pavement could be heard across town, evident by Plank poking his head from a distant tree to observe the commotion.

Yet, Eddy hardly noticed. "Christ! Am I the only one that works around here?"

Once Edd had recovered from the impact of his fall, it took him half an hour to procure the necessary helmet and safety padding before attempting to attach the sign again. Mercifully, that rickety old ladder chose to hold still long enough for Edd to nail the sign to its spot.

Once Eddy was crispy enough, he put his tanning equipment away and slipped back on his bowler shirt just in time to see Edd gingerly climbing down the ladder. "Took ya' long enough!" He spat then missed Edd's wide, twitching glare to admire the stand.

"Thing's a beaut, Double D" Eddy complimented.

"Why, thank you Eddy!" If only Eddy noticed the trembling and grating in Edd's voice, "And to think it only took two hours, forty-three minutes, several scrapes and bruises and a concussion!"

Eddy suddenly glanced about the cul-de-sac. "The hell's takin' Ed so long?"

"Well, I certainly hope he didn't ge- ACK!"

The manhole cover besides Edd's foot popped up, sending the boy jumping into Eddy's arms... Right before Eddy dropped him on his butt. With said manhole cover sitting atop his head, Ed poked his head from the sewers and hastily scanned his surroundings. Edd could've sworn Ed looked frightened before he smiled and blathered,"HELLO!"

"Yes, hello, Ed." Edd wearily returned.

"'Bout time you got back!" Eddy groused, "We're gonna start the auditions! Did ya' put up all the signs?"

Climbing out of the sewers, with the manhole cover now acting as a hat, Ed gave a thumbs up. "I put'em anywhere 'n everywhere, Eddy! Just like ya' said!"

Picking himself up and rubbing the sting from his coccyx, Edd shot a glance at Ed's unusual point of ingress. Hopefully Ed's confirmation didn't mean the sewers were now covered with fliers. Matter of fact, "Ed, why pray tell were you in the sewers in the first place?"

Taken aback, Ed suddenly glanced over the hole in the street then whipped his head about. Snapping his fingers, the big oaf promptly yanked what looked like a trash can from his coat and plugged it into the manhole.

"There, my tracks are covered!" Ed turned to answer the obvious question,

When Eddy suddenly cut in front of him, "C'mon! We're burnin' daylight here!"

Thus, the Eds took their place behind the stand and waited.

Waited.

Waited.

And wai-

"C'MON ALREADY!" Eddy's voice blasted the silence and sent a flock of birds scrambling for the skies. " WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?!"

"Eddy, it's only been two minutes." Edd pointed out.

"ARGH! It's like watchin' paint dry!" Eddy growled.

"Oh, this is just like when I watch the gravy in my tub ferment, Eddy!" Ed chimed in.

That earned a sideways glance from the other two Eds. It took Edd a considerable amount of effort to force his breakfast grapefruit to stay put with the way his stomach wreathed at the thought. "Thank you for sharing that, Ed." He managed, then turned to Eddy's scowling, "Now, Eddy, patience is a virtue! But, might I suggest we go speak to the Ur-"

"SOMEBODY'S COMIN'!" Eddy announced and his pointing directed the Eds' eyes to Kevin's garage door opening. Could Edd please be allowed a complete statement today?

Strangely, Eddy's excitement blinded him to the fact that the gait riding up to them on his bike belonged to his next door neighbor, neighborhood jock, and lifelong nemesis. When Kevin Barr did in fact skid to a stop and kick his kickstand down, that fact slapped Eddy upside his head and a sneer formed to match Kevin's.

"Oh, it's you!" Eddy spat.

"Hi, Kevin!" Ed greeted.

Kevin's sneer only had eyes for Eddy, "Alright, what scam are you dorks runnin' this time?!" He demanded. From his pocket, Kevin yanked out a crumpled copy of the Eds' flier. "I found this littered all over my lawn!"

"Well, before anything, Kevin, I would like to apologize for Ed's advertising methods. Now, addressing your concerns, I can assure you this venture is perfectly legitimate -as are most of them are, admittedly-. We're preparing for an adventure, of which we intend to publish an autobiography about. However, we require some extra participants, hence we're holding auditions to determine who would come with us!" Edd explained, then threw on a smile he hoped would convince Kevin.

The jock in question rested his chin over his hand. Between the sign, the flyer in hand, and the smiling, nervously smiling, and sneering Eds, he test the thought in his mind. "... So, if I make this audition; you dorks'll write a book about me?"

"Well, not strictly about one parti-"

"In yer dreams, Kev!" Eddy snapped over Edd, "These auditions are open only to the most elite, hardcore baddasses around! Besides, who the hell would wanna read a book about you?" With his sneer cracking into a smirk, Eddy shook to contain his laughter.

"Oh, like you Jackass rejects are so noteworthy?!" Kevin spat, "I'd pretty much carry this "Adventure" of yours! For one, I'm better lookin'..."

"Better lookin' than Ed, maybe!" Eddy cut in.

Kevin's ranting tripped over itself. In the brief silence, his sneering sharpened into a glare that cut Eddy's snorting to a halt. "... Anyway...! I got the best chance of getting' with Nazz..."

"Not even in yer dreams, Kev!" Eddy broke into a full laugh that bent him over and smacked his head into the stand's counter top.

Despite Eddy smacking himself to silence, Edd couldn't help noticing the fury staining Kevin's skin red, and his teeth gnashing with enough pressure to make a diamond. Edd had been dragged into this situation enough times to know Eddy mustn't anger him again, lest the Eds be served a knuckle sandwich each.

"As. I. Was. Saying...!" Kevin seethed then settled. "... Besides all that, I got wicked BMXin' skills, which also landed me the record for the longest skid mark!" He let that last one hang in the air, letting just a little of his glowering show. The whole time, Kevin's eyes focused on Eddy, watching, begging him to laugh, to quip something smart, any excuse to use the little loudmouth for a punching bag.

And all parties could see Eddy fighting it. Wavering eyes meeting Kevin's and the beads of sweat running down his sun-scorched skin. Eddy wrestled with hips to be still as they twisted and turned in protest. Finally, Eddy's face straightened and Edd released a baited breath.

"Whew." The sock-hatted one turned to address Kevin, "Now, Kev-"

"More like longest skidmark on yer underwear!" Eddy was so close. So close!

"Burn!" Ed added.

And so the last straw broke and Kevin hopped off his bike to stomp a B-line for the Eds. "That's it! I'mma make a skidmark outta you, Dork!" He barked.

Now, Eddy regretted his mockery. But, despite an exit literally right next to him, Eddy could only watch Kevin advance as if caught between a rock and a hard place. "W-Wait a sec, Kev...!" And fear choked the rest of Eddy's pleas from him.

"Look out, Kevin! Eddy's a quadruple black belt in Whupass!" Ed cautioned.

"Not helping, Ed!" Edd cried.

"I'll give ya' a double black eye in getting yer ass whupped!" Kevin snapped.

He was almost there. Eddy should run. He wanted to run. But, damn his legs for taking the instinct for flight as a command to quake impotently. The jock with a fist reserved for Eddy's face was at the counter, cocking back a haymaker. Eddy squeezed his eyes shut.

"Kevin, wait!" Edd cried.

Nothing. No familiar agony of fist merging with Eddy's face. As Eddy eased his eyes back open, he saw Kevin holding his pose, eyes on Edd who bargained for Eddy's well being, "Perhaps a non-violent display of your "wicked BMXin' skills" would be more appropriate?"

When Kevin's light green eyes flicked to Eddy, the shorter boy flinched. Looking back to Edd, the jock settled for folding his arms over his chest.

"Whatcha got in mind?"

Finally, Eddy could breathe again.

"Kevin, you forgot to beat up Eddy!" Ed pointed out.

Ignoring protests and rants from Eddy, Ed and Edd displaced their stand from the middle of the street, to the curb in front of Jimmy's house. The following hour and a half had been spent assisting Kevin in collecting, then working another pile of plywood into a serviceable ramp set in front of Ed's house. Left to stand alone at the stand, Eddy followed his friend and mortal enemy's work with a glare that made the sun jealous.

Occasionally one would say something that actually coaxed a laugh from the other. What were they laughing about? Was it about Eddy? Of course, in Eddy's paranoid mind, Kevin was the benefactor of all of Eddy's setbacks; it would only be natural for that asshole jock to try to turn the brains of his trio to his side.

The presence of the ramp, and the commotion its construction caused managed to beckon the attention of Ed's little hell spawn, Sarah Hill, and the cul-de-sac sweetheart, Nazz Van Bartonschmeer. For a moment, the fact Rolf, Jimmy and Jonny were absent was odd, until someone remembered they were holding an Urban Rangers meeting.

For the occasion, Nazz and Sarah dusted off their Peach Creek Cobblers cheerleading uniforms, complete with pom pomps and a stereo blasting some crappy pop song Eddy couldn't be hassled to remember. Nazz held Eddy's eyes, dragging his attention where ever she pranced and jumped and cheered. Every jump birthed the hope Nazz's skirt would flutter high enough to make this farce worth his time.

The fifth time Eddy's hopes were dashed, his gaze broke away to Kevin, perched on his bike on Jonny's driveway, strapping on his trusted -if rarely used- red and flame decorated bike helmet.

When Edd finally appeared beside him at the stand, Eddy's ire fell to him. "Done helpin' the enemy, Double Crosser?" He seethed.

"Oh, Eddy, get over yourself!" Edd shot back, "By assisting Kevin, not only did the set up take less time, but it also presented an opportunity to get use-"

"Oh, can it, Sockhead!" Eddy snapped. Even looking right at him, he failed to notice to darkening expression Edd's face took. "'N what's with the cheerin' section anyway?! What makes this bazooka chinned bastard so special?!"

Edd rolled his eyes with a huff. "You know, Eddy. Something like this takes a considerable amount of courage and effort! You ought to show a little more appreciation!"

"What, this?!" Eddy shot back, gesturing to the ramp, "I can do this with my hands tied behind my back on a unicycle!

"Just like the time ya' lost your voice!" Ed chimed in, "Right, Eddy?"

"You wish you had the balls for this, dork!" Kevin shouted across the street.

Blue eyes batting between his fellow Eds, then the spectacle across from them, Eddy finally huffed a sigh of defeat, "I'm gonna get a Coke!" He announced, "Lemme know when Evel Kneivel over there's done snuffin' it!"

"Will do, Eddy!" Ed saluted.

Eddy managed two struts towards his house before Edd cried after him, "Eddy! Don't walk in front of the ramp!"

When Eddy did stop, Kevin had already squeezed the brakes shut and pedaled with all his might, kicking dust and the stench of burning rubber into the air. Looking back at Edd, Eddy waved him off then continued strutting. It was the exact moment Kevin released the breaks and peeled out into a streak that turned Eddy into a skidmark.

Every bulging, unblinking eye watched the collision flip Kevin over and his momentum drag his face up the ramp, before flinging him over Ed's house. A sigh of relief blew out of Sarah as Kevin cleared her backyard. Instead, the jock flipped end over end until gravity tugged him into the baking, unyielding asphalt in the construction sight. The next moment, his faithful bike landed atop of him in a heap of broken limbs and twisted metal.

"Ouch, dude!" Kevin wheezed.

Back in the cul-de-sac, the onlookers didn't see, but felt Kevin's crash.

Amidst the cringing, Edd said, "Oh, dear! Well, thankfully I always keep an emergency first-aid kit in the event of-"

KA-BOOM

The impossibility punched Edd's gut. Kevin's bike just exploded? Why did Kevin's bike explode? After all, it isn't gas powered in an-

"OH MY GOD! KEVIN!" Nazz screeched. Pompoms discarded and forgotten, the blonde made a mad dash for the construction sight, a pillar of black smoke marking Kevin's location.

Of course! Assess now, agonize later. Thankfully, Edd also kept an emergency fire extinguisher for such situations. With it in hand, Edd fell behind Nazz, chanting "Notgoodnotgoodnotgood!" All the way.

Suddenly Sarah snapped out of her trance and followed suit. "Holy shit!" she cried.

Now it was Ed's turn to run. "Sarah!" he shouted after his sister, "Watch your language!"

Alone and in great pain, Eddy had little to do, but stare off into space.

"Why is my life pain?"

Once Kevin's injuries were properly treated and the EMTs loaded him, and a worrying Nazz unto the back of an ambulance, Edd was left to tend to Eddy's medical needs before Kevin's ramp had to be dismantled and the Eds' auditioning stand returned to taking up the middle of the street. When this task finished, the clear skies glowed a waning orange as the day slowly burned out.

With Ed beside him, taking another crack at his teeth counting record, Edd used the lingering silence to contemplate the day's events. That letter of invitation sitting in his pocket still teased his thoughts. Now that he had time to think about it, that letter's promises seem-

"Stupid asshole Kevin 'n his stupid asshole bike jump!" Eddy grumbled. When he joined the other Eds at the stand, his bowler shirt had to be replaced and a fresh strip of road rash ran from his forehead to far below the confines of his clothes.

Edd shook his head. "Serves you right, Eddy!" He admonished, "This should serve as a lesson about observin-"

"Oh shut up!" Eddy barked. "Let's get to our next audition!" And his glowering lightened into a grin, "I'll bet it's Nazz! I know she just can't wait to go on an adventure with me!"

"Eddy, Nazz went with Kevin to the hospital." Edd interjected.

Eddy's head nearly twisted off, it turned to Edd so fast. "What?!" He gasped, "Then who the hell are we gonna audition next?! Sarah?!"

"Sarah bad for Ed!" Ed whined.

"Or..." Edd made sure he had Eddy's attention, "... Perhaps we can go speak to the Urban Rangers, now?"

Eddy's wide eyes and aghast mouth was answer enough. But, non-verbal cues were not Eddy's style, "What, those badge-hoardin' good-for-nothin's?!

"I've failed to see why we shouldn't, Eddy!" Edd insisted, "After all, with their skill sets, they would be uniquely qualified for an endeavor such as this!"

"Oh, like that one time you went to them for help gettin' Ed back from the Kankers 'n they botched it?!" Eddy countered.

"Oh, he's gotcha there, Double D." Ed nodded.

True, but Edd's counter was right beside him, "Well, in their defense, Eddy. The rangers' tactics would have succeeded if not for Ed's blustering, exposing their attempts to The Kankers in the first place!"

For a moment, Eddy's gaze shot over to Ed, who offered a shrug. "Yep, sounds like me alright!"

Eddy's lip caught between clenched teeth. Edd had him, perhaps the short one would see reason and-

"Yeah? Gimme one good reason why we should invite'em!"

Three good reasons appeared several paces from the stand. With their attention fixed on one another, Edd and Eddy couldn't see them. And the sight of them rendered Ed mute with fright.

"Hiya, boys!" They chorused.

Chills slithered up each Ed's spine and lanced across their limbs. They knew that chorus. The end times had come. Their plan went on spoken. Don't move. Don't even breathe. No sudden moves. Just

"RUN AWAY!"

Stand abandoned, the Eds only managed four paces before something pounced on them and this sticky thing pressed them to the street and then into a bundle. All forward moment died, gradually becoming backward momentum as they were reeled in. It took the Eds until they were dragged to The Kanker Sisters' feet to realize they were in a net, and the nightmare trio steadied a long fishing pole they used to reel them in.

"Seems like we got the catch of the day!" Laughed Lee Kanker

Resentment pushed fear's grip for Eddy's throat, "What the hell're you doin' here?!" He demanded.

"We came to answer your invite!" Marie answered.

Each Kanker produced a familiar sheet of paper; their flyer for the auditions.

The implication clubbed Eddy over the head. He strained to turn his head, his ire on a quaking Ed. "Why the hell did you put fliers up in the trailer park?!"

"But ya' said to put'em anywhere 'n everywhere, Eddy!"

And that implication punched Eddy in the chest. At least that explained Ed's strange entrance earlier. Of course, only Edd noticed they were being moved again. Through the netting, Edd watched as the entrance to the forest loom to welcome them.

The Kankers intended to drag this out.

The approaching dusk set the forest into a contrast of light and shadows. Since they arrived, the Urban Rangers had been scouting, planning and waiting. Hidden among the trees, Rolf Kelamis, leader of the Urban Rangers, son of a shepherd, scanned the wilderness through a spyglass. Teeth, green from his motherland's delicacies, gnashed and ground at each other as he did his umpteenth sweep.

"See anything, Rolf?" Hissed Ranger Jonny "Two-by-four" Grove behind him. "Plank's got nothin' either."

"The forest remains as empty as Rolf's great-nano's eye socket!" Rolf hissed back.

"Um, gentlemen?" Peeped Ranger Jimmy Christensen from below. Looking down and across, the other rangers found him blending into a bush that shivered with him. "Are you sure that intel was good? We've been out here for hours and my-"

"Enough, Ranger Jimmy!" Rolf grunting might as well have been a shout.

Both rangers promptly lost their voice. Rolf had always been strict, intense. But, none of them had ever seen him so on edge before. When the rains stopped and the Urban Ranger's meeting moved back to Rolf's farm, they were greeted by a man in a brown coat. The thought of that mysterious British gentleman brought a smile to Jimmy's face, before a rustle whisked them away.

Up in his tree, Rolf spied their prey; the dreaded Kanker Sisters laughing to themselves with the lead, Lee, knocking a fishing pole to her shoulder. The moment those scourges from the trailer park appeared, Rolf's mind went back to that man and their exchange.

"... So, why should we do this?" Rolf asked.

The man smiled, leaning in to whisper, "What if I told you that you'd have another chance at that pewter medallion? What if, by doing this, you'd not only get redemption, but a chance to become Runesalvie?"

Rolf reeled back and the stranger in the brown coat smiled, leering. That name carried a terrible weight. The elders of his villages would sometimes speak of them in hushed tones. Alas, the Runesalvie were gone. Their hermitage in shambles, their tongues dead, their legacy only myth and speculation. Who was this stranger to speak as if that which had been lost was simply found in a cupboard? This was a trick, a rouse to rival those damned Ed-boys! Even as it tugged at Rolf's heart so!

"Do you take Rolf to be a Merry Andrew, “Time Lord”?!" Rolf snapped.

Still smiling, still collected and sure, the stranger paced about Rolf. "I was told much about you Rolf Kelamis; Son of a Shepherd! They say you're wise, possessing the spine of an ox and nerves of steel! They say you are a born leader, a man that can not deny a challenge! Oh, you're many things Rolf Kelamis; a Merry Andrew is not one of them!" His pacing brought him beside Rolf, face a breath from the boy's ear.

"Were they wrong about you?"

"Look! Eds at Eleven ‘O Clock!" Jonny whispered.

Snapping from his trance, Rolf jammed the spyglass to his eye and made The Eds trapped in a net covered in some substance and being dragged behind the Kankers by some witchery. It took Rolf's mind a moment to register the line connecting the poor sod's bonds to a fishing pole Lee hefted. Rolf lowered the spyglass with sweating palms. So sweaty, the instrument nearly slipped from his grasp.

This was a jest. It has to be! The so-called “Time Lord” is in league with those trailer park witches; tempting Rolf with sweet promises of redemption and legend! A lure to drag the proud rangers to more demise and disgrace! They should turn back. They should flee and... And...

"Were they wrong about you?"

No

This isn't fear. The sweating, the quaking, Rolf's heart pounding in his ears and his guts dancing isn't fear

"Take your positions!" Rolf hissed to his subordinates. He barely finished before they slipped away.

Rolf was alone.

This isn't fear. This is Rolf's body stoking the flames of his fury. Grasping his weapon, Rolf too slipped away, the forest covering his transit.

"Laugh while you can Kanker witches. For retribution is at hand!"

The Dwindling distance to the Park 'n Flush trailer park had ignited the Eds' panic. As Ed and Eddy strained fruitlessly against their bindings.

"NNNGH! What's this shit made of?!" Eddy grunted!

"It's enchanted with the power of the dark side, Eddy!" Ed strained.

"Nope! This fishin' net's coated with out special Kanker rubber cement!" Lee said

Despite it all, a sardonic smirk crossed Edd's lips. At least they were consistent. Still,

"Ladies, please! We were in the middle of auditions!"

For the first time since their appearance, the Kankers actually looked at the fliers. Then broke into laughter.

"Ha! Can you imagine these wimps tryin' to go on an adventure?" Lee said.

"I know right? 'N then tryin' to make a book out of it?" Marie added, "Hey, how about the time Oven-mit over there got his ass kicked by the queer kid?"

Oh, Marie. Always cutting deep.

"Or that time we whupped their asses in that rasslin' match?" May added.

Another cut.

"Oh, and the time we wreck their little cruise and took their first kiss?" Lee added

How could they?

“And the time we wreck their gay little cowboy game?”

Stop it

“... Or the time we locked them in the basement ‘n played footsies?”

Please

"And the time we tricked them into coming to our wedding?" Marie said

No more!

"And let's not forget when we made'em pull our wagon to our honeymoon!" Lee laughed, "Now, if that ain't love; I dunno what is!"

All of it, the traumas, remembered agonies, the nights Edd would wake in cold sweats, paranoia making him see these sisters where they weren't there. Nerves rattling and his breaths scarce, Edd curled into a ball. Trying to shut out the laughing, trying to push the painful memories from his mind. Just wanting some peace.

"Hey, here's a book people'll actually wanna read...!" Lee suddenly suggested.

Ed and Eddy's thrashing stopped. What little breath Edd had pushed out of him.

"I can see it now! After another one of their stupid ideas fail; Ed, Edd 'n Eddy-"

"Ha! She said it!" Ed giggled, until Lee beaned him with a tire iron.

"As I was sayin'...!" Lee growled, it took her another stroke of that single chin hair to find her spot, "Oh, yeah...! Ed, Edd 'n Eddy are whisked away by their lovely wives and taken on a dirty, raunchy, homoerotic journey to discover their inner bottom bitch!"

"Oh, I like that one!" Laughed May.

"We'll call it, "Fifty Shades of Ed"!" Lee finished.

When the three Kankers turned, the Eds were met with a slight twinkle in their hooded eyes, a slight trickle (or in May's case, a cascade) of drool rolling off the corner of their lips before their tongue washed over them. They feared that look since the first time they saw it.

"Looks like you get to have your adventure after all, boys!" Marie purred.

Fear had a way of delaying proper responses. For the several paces the Eds were dragged, the implication hung over their heads, waiting. In time, the trailer park gradually faded into the horizon, and now implication struck the wind from each Ed.

"OH FUCK NO!" Eddy screamed.

And with that strike, desperation blazed and the Eds thrashed and kicked and clawed and screamed with all the futile power that desperation granted.

"BAD TOUCH! FIFTY SHADES OF BAD FOR ED!" Ed blared

"NOT LIKE THIS! ANYTHING BUT THIS!" Edd cried. "HELP! SOMEONE! ANYONE!"

Seeing this, the Kankers cackled again. "Oh, I just love watchin'em squirm!" Lee laughed.

And then they stopped.

For all their kicking and screaming, the Eds didn't notice the rest in action until a trash can, courtesy of Marie, bounced off their heads. When The Eds did stop, they followed the Kanker's gaze to something standing in the brush of the forest.

"What's that?" May finally asked.

"It's a statue, dumbass!" Marie answered.

"Hey, y'know who that looks like?" Lee wondered, "That weird Indian guy! What's his name?"

"Hiya, Rolf!" Ed greeted.

Focusing passed the net, Edd could indeed see the statue took the likeness of Rolf. Dressed in his Urban Rangers uniform with arms pressed to his sides, the statue cast a scornful glare towards the Kankers staring at it. Edd couldn't tell, with this net in the way, but he could swear there was something in the statue's hand.

"I think it's starin' at us!" May said.

Before Lee cracked her palm upside her head. "Statues don't stare, retard!"

"That's why they're statues!" Marie added.

"Now c'mon!" Lee ordered, "Our husbands have some husbandly duties to fulfill!"

The moment The Kankers took their attention away from the statue...

"SHAKLAVAH!"

They turned and the statue was on Lee, clubbing her over the face with a fish. As she stumbled back,

"GERONIMO!"

Above Marie a blur of blue and yellow descended from the trees and pounced on her, while something spun into May's face.

With the net, the poor vantage and the chaos of limbs, The Eds could hardly see what was happening. It didn't help when a familiar blue vest over a yellow T-shirt appeared in front of them.

"Outta the way, Jimmy! I can'-" Eddy stopped. "Jimmy? Is that really you?!"

"Hold still, fellas!" Jimmy hissed and from a backpack, he produced a pair of hedge clippers. Breath and hope bloomed in their chests. Here were the Urban Rangers, coming to save them! However, Jimmy found himself struggling. Even with his whole body on the lever, the clippers stuck into the line.

"Jimmy!" Edd called to him, "The Kankers treated this net with their rubber cement! You need to use Acetone to dissolve it!"

Jimmy blinked. "Acetone?"

"The honor of the Urban Rangers shall be avenged Kanker witch!" Rolf roared behind them.

Edd bit his lip, having enough view to see Lee catch Rolf's mackerel then use is to throw him against a tree. With a wheez, Rolf crumbled to the ground. Hurry up, Eddward! Edd wracked his brain: Various cleaning products had that crucial formula; Laundry detergent, a particle board, paint remover, fingernail polish remov- That was it!

"Jimmy, have you any nail polish remover?" Edd urged.

"What?!" Eddy snapped behind him.

"This is no time for a makeover, Double D!" Jimmy strained, those hedge clippers still weren't clipping.

"No! Nail polish remover contains acetone, which should dissolve the rubber cement!" Edd hastily explained.

"Hey, get this thing off me!"

Every eye turned to see May's wrestling match with a hunk of wood go to the ground. Rolling about, May could only keep Plank at arms' length in the brief moments she was prone. The whole time, cold crayoned eyes stared, smiling. Always smiling.

The chaos stopped for a moment.

"Really, May?" Marie sighed.

The fighting resumed. Meanwhile, Jimmy fished out a bottle of nail polish remover, nearly fumbled with it, then dumped its contents over the net. As Edd predicted, the formula already began its work and Jimmy's clippers bit then severed the bonds. The three Eds dug their way from the net, Eddy pushing Edd aside before Ed grabbed the sock-hatted one on his way out.

"FREEDOM!" Ed cheered

Finally able to see the fight proper; they could see Lee charging at Rolf while the farmer pushed himself to sit crossed legged. With a roar, Lee hefted the fish up and swung down all of her force right into...  Rolf's feet?

"What th-" Lee barely had time to be shocked.

Rolf rolled back, allowing the force of Lee's strike to yank her into the tree supporting his posture. A subtle CRUNCH carried over to the Eds, who winced. When Lee stumbled back on unstable legs, the onlookers could make out a splatter of blood where Lee's face kissed the tree.

At the same time, Marie had caught Jonny in a headlock. Yet, the nature-lover took to pounding into her mid-section the moment her arms circled his neck. Wincing and gritting her teeth, Marie struggled through the blows until one of them sunk into her lower abdomen.

Edd, despite everything, nearly shared her pain. Did Jonny know he just struck her ovaries? Regardless, Marie's hold slacked and the boy spun behind her, locking arms against that same spot (perhaps he does) then bent backwards, lifting the gasping, groaning Marie up, back and suplexed her head into the soil.

May finally had the presence of mind to simply throw Plank away. Yet, having thrown the aspiring floorboard sideways; Plank simply made a U-Turn and the edge of his head clocked May across the temple. She stumbled, teetering towards Marie who finally yanked her head from the ground, and fell on her, shoving it back in.

Lee, with her hand staining red from covering a broken nose recovered, only then registered Rolf stalking her.

"Why you no good, dirty, motherfu-"

Her cocked fist left her open, and Rolf simply swung the mackerel up into her chin. A thick SPLAT confirmed his counter, with Lee sent floating backward. Despite having May's weight on her, Marie's head emerged from the earth a second time. Then Lee joined the Kanker pile and Marie was made to continue her ostrich impression.

The dust settled. Jonny caught Plank as he flew back to his lifelong friend and Rolf flicked the dirt from his weapon. They all took a moment, looking at the crumbled pile of limbs that once had been the bane of their existence.

"Holy shit! They did it!" Eddy wasn't sure he believed his own words.

"NO RAPE FOR ED!" Ed cheered

"Yes, the honor of the Urban Rangers has b-"

Marie's head plucked from the earth. Her sisters stirred back to consciousness. One by one, the sisters rose. Marie shook her head, and the dirt from her blue mane. Lee set her bloody nose straight, not even wincing as it popped into place. May sprung to her feet and menaced a tree behind her sisters. Marie back handed her and she turned.

“And they’re getting back up.” Jonny said.

The Kankers took a step forward. 

“Time for Phase Two.” Rolf nodded

Phase Two? The Eds turned wide, dilating eyes on their rescuers... And watched them sprint in the opposite direction. Aren't they going to...

"Quick!" Jimmy urged from behind them, "Come with us if you wanna live!"

No one had to tell The Eds twice. With hell hot on their heels, fear became fuel and fatigue was a myth. They didn't look back. They must never look back. To look back was to invite capture. To look back was to resign yourself to a fate that made death seem like a vacation.

Okay, perhaps one look wouldn't...

"GOOD LORD!" Marie was barely a breath away from snatching Edd's hat. "STEP ON IT FELLOWS! THEY'RE GAINING!"

Suddenly, Rolf whistled and ahead of him, his goat, Victor, his pig, Wilfred, and his cow... His cow burst out from the brush parallel to the runners and fell in beside them. With a hop, Jonny and Rolf mounted Victor and Wilfred with a practiced easy.

When Jimmy prepared the same, a rock stubbed his toe and inertia planted his face in the dirt. His desperate flailing managed to catch the cow's tail, leaving the wailing, crying sod to be dragged against the dirt. Every once in a while he was flipped and turned and the trees carried his cries across the forest.

"Hold on, Jimmy!" Jonny shouted.

"Turkey Eyes Ed-Boy!" Rolf addressed Ed, "Throw your companions to us! Quickly!"

"But what of Jimmy, Rol-"

Edd, along with Eddy were quickly collected in each of Ed's hands before they were thrown flailing and screaming towards the rangers. Jonny only had to hold up Plank for Edd to grab before he was flung unto Victor's back -who bleated a protest- behind him.

"Nice catch, buddy!" Jonny complimented Plank.

Plank just smiled.

Eddy's screams halted cold when Rolf's hand snatched his cowlicks from the air and slapped the boy over his shoulder. When the stars faded and his breathing reset, he stared down at Rolf's "steed".

"Why I gotta ride the pig?!"

Jimmy's cries snatched everyone's attention. With every rock, and uneven terrain and exposed root bumping him up, his grip slipped lower.

"Oh curse my dainty, baby smooth palms!" Jimmy cried.

"Do not let go, Ranger Jimmy!" Rolf shouted.

"Ed, do something!" Edd cried.

Ed's eyes sharpened. "MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!"

Ed's sprint became a charge. Jimmy's grip slipped away, leaving the screaming boy to sprawl right into Ed's hands. Using the momentum of the catch, Ed then swung his arm and catapulted Jimmy in an arc, where he landed on his back over the cow's back.

He could barely feel May's fingers on his skin when he pitched forward unto all-fours and sped up behind, then under the cow.

"Moo?!" The cow, Jimmy and all, was suddenly hefted unto Ed's back piggy-back style. The bovine stared at the boy, then up at Jimmy. At least she didn't have to carry both of them.

"Ranger Jonny...!" Rolf shouted.

Jonny nodded then turned to Edd. "Take over, Double D!" He said then swung around to switched places with the sock-hatted boy.

Suddenly holding Plank in one hand and Victor's horn in the other, Edd's gaze frenzied about the goat. "Oh, dear! I'm driving without a license! How do I steer? Are there turning signals? Where are the brakes?!"

"Just keep'em steady, Double D!" Jonny instructed and twisted at the waist to face the Kankers.

"YER NOT GETTIN' AWAY YOU HOMEWRECKERS!" Shrieked Lee

The angry, battered and bloody hags-in-training were still three paces back. Jonny shook his head; they just don't know when to quit.

"GET BACK HERE WITH OUR HUSBANDS!" Demanded Marie.

Jonny took a trio of acorns and a slingshot from a vest pocket, bit the stems off then knocked them in the sling and drew it back.

"'N GIMME BACK MUH BACK-SCRATCHER!" May screeched.

"Scratch this!" Jonny spat.

The acorns landed in each Kanker's mouth and went down to their throats. Their pursuit tripped over itself, the Kankers clutching their throats, gagging. Lee tried to force herself up before the three of them each vomited up a tree that shoved them up into the treeline before branches and leaves bloomed, and pushed them off and back to the earth.

The Eds and Urban Rangers were too far away to hear the resounding BOOM their impact made, and the wheezes rushing out of them when the impact stole their breaths. Silence settled and as twilight cast the forest into shadows. Yet, Lee's eyes burned like the morning sun. With a roar she hefted her sisters on her shoulders and dumped them aside, then charged face first into the tree.

With Lee nursing her crushed nose, her sisters took note of the new trees blocking their progress.

"Hey, these trees are in the way!" May complained.

"No shit, Einstein!" Marie spat.

"C'mon! We'll go the other way and cut'em off at the pass!" Lee barked. And her sisters fell in behind her berserker's pace, blood flying from her destroyed nose.

SNAP

May stopped. Then her sisters stopped and marched right up to her.

"What the hell, May?!" Marie demanded.

If the two had only looked down, they would noticed the severed rope at May's foot. Instead, a eerie creak brought their attention west as a log swung into their faces and brought the stars to their eyes. Grunting and yelling, the Kankers sprawled across bushes and branches then down a hill, until finally a hole swallowed them.

In a pile, yet again, Lee once again forced herself to her feet and her sisters tumbling to the ground. Her head whipped about to observe darkness, whisking blood this way and that. Thankfully this hole was in a clearing and the moon and stars greeted them from the heavens. It would serve as a beacon, one that would direct Lee and her sisters out of this hole and lead them to their new prey. If her rabid clawing could get her out of the hole instead of tossing dirt about.

Annoyed, but fatigued, May and Marie gave their surroundings a more detailed look. For instance, the moon highlighted a small, solitary creature who watched the sisters with a hollow gaze.

"Hey look! A possum!" May pointed out.

Marie looked at the creature who canted its head, staring at them still. From the light, she made out a body of mottled grays, and a white face striped black. She turned a flat stare at her sister then slapped the blonde idiot upside her head. "You idiot! That's a-"

"WHO CARES ABOUT SOME STUPID SKUNK?!" Lee should have turned around. Should have seen the "Skunk" get taken aback by her shouting then snarl, its mouth frothing with bubbling outrage. "... We need to get outta this hole 'n hunt down those husband steal- AAAAH!"

And a furry torpedo sunk its foam-saturated jaws into her neck.

Author's note: And now for a little game.

1: You notice on a phone that the digits also have letters attached to them. Sometimes they're used to dial a word. What word does the phone number in the letter spell?

2. What animal is currently mauling the Kanker Sisters?

Whoever can guess these correctly will get a cookie!

[fathersonholygore]

FX’s Fargo Season 3, Episode 2: “The Principle of Restricted Choice” Directed by Michael Uppendahl Written by Noah Hawley

* For a recap & review of the Season 3 premiere, “The Law of Vacant Places” – click here * For a recap & review of the next episode, “The Law of Non-Contradiction” – click here Gloria Burgle (Carrie Coon) goes over the crime in her head. She digs into the box she found at the Ennis’ place in the floorboards. Inside are several Thaddeus Mobley (Thomas Mann) novels, she flips through them to see if there are any little notes or anything significant stuck between the pages. Nothing. There’s a newspaper clipping of Mobley winning a Golden Planet award. A photo of a woman, signed. She says Ennis Stussy and Mobley are “one in the same.” Hmm. Emmit Stussy (Ewan McGregory) and Sy Feltz (Michael Stuhlbarg) go see Irv Blumkin (Hardee T. Lineham) about their problem with Mr. V. M. Varga (David Thewlis) and their stupid, illicit deal. The two men are clueless, it’s almost amazing how they got as far as they have at this point in life. A curt commentary on many ‘successful’ businessmen, to my mind. Either way, Emmit still has problems with Ray (McGregor), the stamp. Although Sy says he doesn’t want the stamp, he wants his brother’s life; the “green monster.” Watching Irv operate a computer, let alone Google, is absurdly hilarious. When he manages to search Varga, a webcam turns on and takes a picture of them. Then everything shuts down. Now that can’t be a coincidence, can it? That Varga is sketchy. His teeth alone are the stuff of nightmares. Even with that grill of rotten chompers he’s somehow charming, in the way he speaks to others like some villain from a fairy tale whispering in the ear of others along the peripheries. At a lot Sy and Emmit control, Varga’s parked a big rig truck. What could be inside? Something sinister? “Slave girls,” Sy wonders? Who the hell knows. They’re trying to cover their asses while bigger things are happening, and have been a long while, without their knowing. Gloria meets with Moe Dammick (Shea Whigham). He’s a bit more of a rough character than some of the cops we’ve seen on Fargo, which is a welcomed touch. There’s already a tension between the two characters, as well. He’s her new boss, and wants to lay down the law at the office. He also wants her to take time off, after the death of her stepfather Ennis. She goes out and starts investigating. A store owner says a Russian man came in – though, he doesn’t remember it was only a shirt with Russia on it (that’ll cause something to fuck up at some point) – and tore a page from his phone book; we know that man was Maurice LeFay (Scoot McNairy), but the information’s been mangled by this bumbling man. Ray is checking on the death of Maurice, at the very same time. It’s been logged as ACCIDENTAL. Making him a very happy man, putting more pieces of the puzzle together for him. All the while the guy’s brains are being scrubbed off the sidewalk over in front of the apartment where Nikki Swango (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) lives. Things look as if they’re going well. She’s busy trying to put together a new job, to make more money. Ray would rather get “out of the woods” before anything else. She says there’s something wrong with his “chi.” Blocked up. Not good. Sometimes it’s like she strings him along, though it also looks at times like she loves him. She is damn dedicated, that’s for sure. Ray: “I never killed anybody before” Nikki: “Well me either. Life‘s a journey, y‘know.”

Ray goes to Emmit’s place. At 10:30 in the night, imagine that? Goes to show the disconnected brothers, one a buttoned down family man and the other a semi-regular guy. It’s fun to watch McGregor play off himself, a hard thing to do. Yet each of the Stussy brothers is different. Their mannerisms, how they talk even under those Minnesota accents. While Ray apologises to his brother, inside the house Nikki tracks down the stamp’s location. It was moved. In its place is the picture of a donkey; an ass. She discovers the receipt for a safety deposit box in the office desk. Then leaves her bloody tampon in the drawer. What she doesn’t know is that the stamp wasn’t moved, the frame’s only being fixed. Ah, the ole Fargo comitragedy of errors! Moreover, we get a look at Meemo (Andy Yu) and his friend Yuri from the Old Country. They toss an old man over the side of a parking garage, then walk away like they just finished playing a game of basketball. Dark and hilarious. Now there’s more of a Russian-ish connection coming into play, I’m very interested to see that unfold. Later, Emmit gets a call saying Irv jumped off his garage.

Gloria’s making arrangements to have Ennis buried, she and her boy Nathan (Graham Verchere). They can’t track him back past 1980, before he married her mother. He’s a bit of a mystery, especially considering her mom passed already. He didn’t really have friends. Gloria is stuck on the Mobley theory, which ought to prove for more interesting story in upcoming episodes. In a diner Sy visits Ray, unhappy about the break-in. They certainly don’t have any kind of good relationship, not even a working one. Sy says Ray won’t ever speak to his brother again; “non–negotiable,” he claims. Appears the guy’s got a temper, which Ray doesn’t take to nicely. At the office Emmit finds Varga kicking around suddenly, like a wisp of fog out of thin air. He’s got Yuri and Meemo with him, too. They’re taking up some office space. They’ve got plenty of boxes of… files? Already being wheeled into an empty wing. We’re coming to see V.M’s shadiness. In a way, he represents others outside America today while Sy and Emmit are the stupid men at the helm of the nation currently in 2017; as he says, they think the deal “can be changed” but once you’ve started down certain roads there’s no stopping. “You‘re trapped,” Varga explains. He further assures the audience of what happened with Irv. Nasty dude. Loved this second episode! Hawley did a great job writing, and the characters have started opening up. I particularly have interest in Varga, whose purpose becomes clearer with this episode and specifically the final few minutes. Awesome stuff. “The Law of Non-Contradiction” is next week. Fargo – Season 3, Episode 2: “The Principle of Restricted Choice” FX's Fargo Season 3, Episode 2: "The Principle of Restricted Choice" Directed by Michael Uppendahl…