Sometimes I get hit with a wave of grief and I don't know where it came from. And then I realize that maybe I'm mourning myself. I'm mourning the life I thought I was going to have, the life I had planned before I realized that I simply couldn't handle it. My body and mind couldn't handle the heights I dreamed of, the stairs to get there were too much. So I shortened the journey, I dropped parts and pieces, I lost myself trying to find myself.
I'm grieving for my friends who feel much the same way and I'm grieving for the fact that they have to see me suffering. It's not fair for them to have to handle my suffering, my mourning on top of their own.
I'm grieving because I've watched the people I love more than the world, more than myself, throw themselves over the edge of cliffs I don't know if they can come back from. I've watched myself go over the edge of those very same cliffs and I grieve the uncertainty of if I will ever make it back. If I will ever be able to learn how to love and be loved, how to convince others to see themselves as worth something more than what they believe.
This is about mourning the endless cycle of suicidal heroism, killing yourself for those that you love and them doing the same for you. Mourning the understanding that that cycle is hard to break, the fact that none of us understand the word "rest" anymore. None of us know how to accept love and therefore don't fully know how to love. Killing yourself for someone you love is terrible because they never wanted you to die at all but we're caught in a cycle of killing ourselves without even realizing that that's what were doing.
I'm grieving that my inability to think I could ever be enough has sowed the seeds that bloom into grand gestures that betray my self loathing. The flowers grow in my lungs and despite their beauty, I can't fucking breathe.
Kindness is a violence of it's own, and we are familiar with violence but not of that kind.
I grieve for the sun I stare into, but cannot feel.
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whenever he has to toss a coin, sonic always calls tails. send post
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Levi: "I don't understand why you like someone as pathetic as me, I'm not that good at anything other then being a nasty useless otaku, (insert more self degrading here)."
Mc: *blank faced, moving sneakily close to Levi and picks him up bridal style*
Mc: "Snake <3."
Levi: *Stunned silent, he doesn't move for a few moments, then his tail curls around Mc's leg, and leans into their touch.*
Levi: "Y-yeah...."
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