my hands are clasped in a tight grip by the bedside, pressed hard against my head as my knees wound themselves against the hard floor, kewpie i beg pls revive ur oc temmie albacares for a day i just need to c her again
she’s not dead!!! she’s just on hold until i can work on making a fishy dating sim someday!
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Jude in TCP was something else. Imagine poisoning yourself on the daily, still doing physically challenging missions while balancing the mental load of being bullied and harboring a secret life, sleep depriving yourself and STILL attending daily family dinners and classes.
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am i gonna put you in the book acknowledgements am i gonna be able to say your name without flinching am i ever gonna get a word in edgewise am i ever gonna recover the time i spent with you. computer virus kid; i arrived in your life already begging to be let in. somehow insecure i could even be your friend. like you had a line outside the door and we were all shifting our weight, begging.
you're so fucking good at that - at making people feel like they need to earn you, like you're a commodity none of us can afford. no kindness or careful communication could work on you - you were so good at just going-ghost, about deciding someone just wasn't cool-enough. something about that is super ironic. even the parts of it that weren't romantic felt like a romance book. i wanted you to like me so badly i scrubbed myself clean just so you'd spare me - what. your favor? a look?
okay okay okay. it's just a friendship - if it was even true that we were friends, if you even saw me as someone you trusted. on reddit someone would tell me girl literally just cut her out of your life, it's not that difficult. even i was aware of how fucked up the whole situation was. like, why the fuck do i even care about your approval? you're like, not even that fun to be around. you are often a little bit cruel.
but for almost four years of my life, i thought i had found someone like me. somebody who liked the same things i do. someone who liked to read and who liked making jokes with esoteric references and who spent maybe too much time on the internet and who was absolutely a little bit pretentious. i don't know, something about that was powerful and addictive.
i keep thinking about our last conversation. about how i said - okay, enough is enough. you pushed me too far, you really hurt my feelings.
and how you laughed and said - you think you're the victim?
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love all the tmi couples POST tmi but in every single case the early relationship was in shambles like why is everyone pretending they cannot see red flags come on now. if they had friends who were actually involved and NOT each other they would be holding interventions and telling y'all to break up at every given opportunity. but no they're surrounded by people who spend their time making objectively worse romantic decisions so they do too. and yes this applies to everyone
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im so funny, i was like
"yeah i enjoy romance but not that basic 'omg i just wanna hug you and kiss you and love you and snuggle you' shit that makes me sooo uneasy. i just want a comfortable silence and someone i know i can trust and watch stuff with and feel comfortable around no matter what. someone i can really fully trust that I don't have to put on a whole weird lovey dovey show around. that other stuff feels so fake and forced and weird, even if it's true it's like, oh my god shut up what are you talking about." <- IDIOT!!!! YOU'RE AROMANTIC. GOD.
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