#his condition made him feel isolated but im sure it also made him feel like he was more trouble than he was worth

[todayisafridaynight]

Daigo has so many genuine connections, all these people who would stand by him regardless of if Tojo still exists. It just sort of feels like it plays to the way Masato is just chronically blind to the love around him and the strength of Ichiban's whole thing and surrounds himself purely with transactional relationships. It's the way Mine viewed the world before he met Daigo, but Masato is purposefully cultivating this environment around himself. Masato HAD those bonds where Mine didn't, but Masato's "those who use and those who are used" still feels like a worse distillation of Mine's philosophy, or at least that the two rhyme even if they aren't the same. Daigo originally defying Mine's worldview led to a longing to understand it and be a part of it; Daigo defying Masato's would probably just lead to more seething lol. Tojo going away, not only is just 'oops daigo already planned on that' robbing Masato of the satisfaction, idk it just further highlights that without being wrapped up in the status of Chair that these people are still with Daigo. Aoki bought his connections through lies and money and destroyed the only ones he sincerely had by following "use or be use" to its end, but Daigo could just fuck off anywhere he wanted and still have not just friendship but as Masato might see it absolute loyalty (esp in a Mine lives scenario; Aoki's lil pet bastard Kume's devotion is absolutely a speck vs **Mine** ). Both Aoki and Daigo can lose their positions of power, but its only Masato who feels like he's lost everything. sdfklfsjld idk goodbye anyway the brainrot is strong please keep going I'm here for every second

OK BUT LIKE. ALL OF THIS. ABOVE MY FIREPLACE AND FRAMED

the note bout mine and masato's worldviews IS SUCH an interesting point too: in essence they both believed the same thing (genuine bonds are a myth and people only use each other), it was just that mine held onto the small hope that he'd be wrong one day. by the time daigo does prove him wrong, he's almost automatically willing to accept it. his problem is that he became so attached to daigo that when the possibility of him being taken away became real, he went off the deep end

in masato's case. Lord he's a field day to explore psychologically maybe in another post, but he did have those bonds mine wanted so earnestly for more than half his life, exactly. ever since arakawa saved him- hell, even after sawashiro realized the life he inflicted upon him, masato was showered with nothing but love from the arakawa family. it's a wonder that despite that fact, masato still insisted he was neglected and alone. settling for relationships he knew were fake and for the most part temporary, he wanted to protect himself- he didn't want to be attached and become hurt and vulnerable again

it really is a cruel twist for masato and daigo and how they end up: despite daigo actually having grown up alone, that didn't stop him from having a warm and inviting attitude towards people and giving him a sizable amount of people who'd follow him to the ends of the earth. inversely, masato had become greedy and wanted more adoration, even if it was superficial or surface level.

[evostar]

La madre silenciosa au character sheets!!

Btw many of the kids are from other towns as well!! The magic bought them and Dolores together! And Alma, julieta, Agustin, pepa, Felix, Isabela and Luisa are referred as “other family“

First we have Paloma, his family owned a shoe shop in bogota, his dad was abusive to his whole family, especially to him because he acts “girly“. He didn’t like making or fixing shoes, neither did he like the “manly“ activities his father forced him to do. He became a bully to protect himself from anyone, Paloma regrets it a lot though. Paloma hated his life and father very much, his mother never did anything besides watch which made him hate them even more. He realized that he loved baking a lot, at that moment he knew that he wanted to become a baker. When his father found out it wasn’t so pretty, he raged out onto him and in the same day Paloma ran away. A week later he was in the Encanto, that’s when Dolores heard him and took him in! He got adopted at the age of 8, a year later he got his gift and he has been the happiest ever :D it didnt take him a while to get off his habit but he was relaxed after.

Next is Camilo! Since birth he was more of an mama‘s boy, yet pepa didn’t pay much attention to him, only when he needed to get praised. Dolores on the other hand made sure to give him the motherly love he deserved. He didn’t like the feeling of Mariano appearing like an father figure for him, he was angry at Felix for lacking at it, but he adapted Mariano quite fast. He was often grouchy about the fact that his parents don’t care. His gift also made the situation worse but his real family always helped him which got him better though time. He loves to take care of his little siblings and in the same time being an wild teenager!

Ines is a "special" child, well at least for a lot of people. She has albinism, her parents thought she was some kind of evil spirit so they treated her rather badly. Ines got bullied from the neighborhoods because of her condition, the school didn’t accept her in either so she didn’t knew to write, read or properly speak. She really isolated herself from the world getting sick often since she stays in her room 24\7. Dolores heard about her a couple of times, she helped ines to get better at basic stuff, she schooled her and took her in when she was 9! Dolores noticed that ines had major anger issues, so she decided to put her in therapy to help ines, which worked a lot! Maybe she can snap sometimes but she‘s working on it. Also she dye‘s her hair because she doesn’t like the white color, she gets reminded often how pretty her hair is but she still won’t like it.

Finally mirabel! She is still giftless in this au, the other family still acts as if she were a curse (besides Luisa). Mirabel obviously tries not to think much of her being giftless even if she is reminded every day. Her parents maybe cared for her more than camilo‘s did but they stopped caring when she didnt get a gift, always making the same excuse “im busy“ Dolores knew mirabel didn’t deserve to get treated like that just because of her gift so she did the caring! Mirabel learned a lot of stuff trough her family, but what she loved to learn the most was the sewing skills her abuela Fiona’s showed her.

They all became a group, since they were raised together and been trough a lot together, their age made them closer too!!

Xavier had a pretty rough life, his mother died at birth and his father hated him for it. His father always looked him up into tight and dark spaces because he didn’t want to see him. Dolores reported him for some crimes he did, just so she could take Xavier in, he was 6 when he got adopted. Xavier was a bit shy at first but he grew to be a very brave boy! He looked up to Mariano a lot and practically did everything he did because he thought that if he did anything wrong he was gonna be put in a tight space again but they made sure to help him with his habit, now he is just wild!! Basically being himself.

Juan is Xavier’s best friend!! Which he is really greatful for since Juan never really had friends. He came from a wealthy family in bogota, he didnt like being wealthy because he got bullied a lot for it. It would get so bad that he often needed to be hospitalized. Because he is from a wealthy family his family doesnt accept him either, they ignore him, dont take care of him and neither do they try to stop his bullying. Like Paloma he ran away out of anger just that this time when he fell asleep in the woods, he woke up the next day in a cozy bed instead of his old cold one. It took him some time to adjust with the people in town, especially the older ones. Juan ran away when he was 8, and he first got his gift 3 years later because the miracle felt the anxiety in him, however he now lives carefree and safe!

Andres had a traumatic past, his blond hair and blue eyes made him get praised by a lot of people which made his parents realize the fame. Andres‘s mother was by far more obsessed with fame so she ofc did everything so people would notice him. They forced him to do stuff just so he would get praised and famed over, if he ddi something wrong he would get punished. When he was 7 he lashed out and his mother burned him with fire as punishment. That happened at night so Dolores got woken by screams, she got his parents arrested and took him in. Andres still tends to avoid a lot of stuff but it is noticeable how he is working on getting better!!

Luz is a bright girl!! Now her mom cared for her however she didnt take care of herself. Her mom always argued with her dad since he was somewhat abusive, at the end she divorced him because she found out he was having an affair. Life was hard after that, luz had to take care of both her mom and herself but after a year her mom took her own life, needless to say it wasn’t a pretty view. She got adopted by Dolores at 5, sometimes Luz has panic attacks because of the trauma so she regularly goes to therapy too. She‘s getting way better! Luz looks up to Isabela often because it seems like she and her mom don’t only look alike but also have a lot in common.

As you can guess Marcia isn’t liked because of her eyes, some of them find it freaky or weird. She actually had a quite big family but they hated her for being different so they tried to get rid of her. (Iykyk) Marcia was extremely traumatized by it, Dolores scolded the entire family including arresting the older ones, needles to say she wasn’t so happy about what she heard. Marcia isolated herself for 6 months after, her family were with her the entire time to help her. The passing months she was getting better and Marcia started to open up. Now she’s happily learning how to write!! Dolores adopted her at 5 years old, kinda sad she was this young.

Lyla had good guardians, her grandparents took care of her till they died, which was when she was 4, after that her parents took her in and since they were young they didnt attend to take care of her. Dolores was already good friends with her grandparents, they knew that her parents wouldn’t take care of her so they asked Dolores to do it. Dolores talked with her parents and adopted lyla!! Layla basically already grew up in the casita so she is pretty used to everything, yet she does need help if it comes to the stairs.

Carlos was actually a homeless boy, his parents left him on the streets when he was 3 and he was on the streets for 3 years till dolores found him. He got picked on a lot and he was skinny which made him insecure too. When Dolores found him he was barely holding on, so he got spoiled a lot ofc!! They helped him with school which he didnt like learning at first, but later on found out he could read comic‘s with it. Plus he became very confident too!!

Esteban has divorced parents, both of them absolutely HATE eachother so they make him their weapon. Every once a week he has to visit the other parent and before he goes the parents tells him to do this or to do that. Esteban doesnt want to do it, he doesnt like it, he feels guilty about it but he knows the punishments. Both of his parents were arrested for the crimes they did (i wonder who reported them) dolores adopted him when he was 8!! Esteban got nothing but just affection from his new family, he loves them very deeply and feels safe with them than he ever has.

The triplets had it very rough, they were selled by their own parents. The ones that bought them treated them very bad, they experimented on them, hurt them for fun and did a lot of other bad stuff. They escaped the place and hid in casita. Dolores found them and adopted them! It took them the longest out of the children to get used to a normal life, but now they are pretty comfortable with their new family! She found them when they were 5, pretty young, sometimes they still struggle a lot.

Leandra‘s dad is pretty troublesome. He always gets in trouble with some kind of bad gang‘s, as you call it. These things get both his dad and himself in danger, he hates not feeling safe the entire time. When he was 6 his dad caused a big thing with a gang, they cornered him and Leandra was with him at that time. In order to survive he told them that they could take Leandra, they then took Leandra and left him alone. The people hurt him for fun throughout a half year, Mariano say them doing stuff to him one day and it didnt end well for them. Mariano saved leandra from the trouble and since that day he has major trust issues, hes grumpy most of the times however he still can be soft :)

Esmeralda was abandoned by her mother when she was 2, she just left her in the forest. Months went by and Dolores started to hear noises in the forest at some points. When she decided to check it out she saw a little toddler, Dolores ofc adopted her. Esmeralda didn't have many problems besides some, she had and still has problems with communication. Speaking for her can be difficult, that's why her family makes sure to always give her a rest when they talk with her. She may looks like she would creep someone out, but she's harmless and would never think of hurting anyone :D

Olivia‘s parents were not stable, they always took some shit. She sometimes ended up in the orphanage because they got arrested. Her parents are abusive and alway aggressive, they never care for her or her brother, so most of the time she has to take care of both of them which can be exhausting. Dolores arrested her parents and took both of them in. Olivia was really happy to have new parents, she got used to Mariano and Dolores really quickly because they were so comforting. She was also happy that her brother was treated well in others care, she finally could be a normal kid!

Rosa has a big family, she has 3 big siblings who moved out of her house when she was young, they didn't treat her well, especially her older sister. They left her out and bullied her often, Isabela reminds her of her big sister a lot and that’s why she hates Isabela a lot. Not only that but they both look and act alike which makes her hatred towards Isabela even more. Her parents weren’t good people either, they too treated her like an outcast and made her do all the chores in the house. They made fun of her too till Dolores got them arrested for a reason. Rosa really looks up to Dolores as her savior, she can finally just be herself without anyone judging her.

Rafeala‘s parents were young when they had him and that’s why they gave him to his grandmother. His grandmother HATES him for making her daughter's life miserable. Rafaela was treated very badly by her, when he was 5 she hurt him so badly he got a major concussion. That concussion damaged his brain really badly which made him forget to do a lot of stuff and a lot of memories. Dolores wasn’t so happy about the news and that woman did not end in jail without breaking some bones. However the injuries didn't stop him from being a very positive child!! He’s happy with his new family!! Sometimes he is scared of Alma because of his memories.

Antonio was in dolore‘s care since the moment he was born, pepa did not want to raise another child. (As if she raised her others) Antonio knows that Dolores and Mariano aren't his real parents but that won't stop him from loving them as if they were his parents which they technically are. He hates his other family for hurting his family, the only person he would still talk to would be Luisa since she is actually nice and would be there for him. He didn't have much problems with his family next to him even so sometimes he still has a lot of anxiety because of his expectations of being the next “hope of the miracle“. His family will make sure though whatever will happen that they will always stay with him.

Cecilia has some troublesome parents, they caused trouble and blamed her for it. She didn't like being blamed for everything they did. Not only that but they were heavy alcoholic‘s too. Sometimes they would force her to buy it for them, she hated the feeling, she hated it all. She isolated herself a lot, Dolores finally got her parents arrested last year and since then she has been the happiest. No more getting blamed at, no more of the smell of alcohol and no more hurting. She loves her family and loves to be with her friends everyday.

Alejandra has divorced parents, she never really sees her dad and is around her mom the entire time. Her mom brings a man over sometimes and if they are really drunk they start to criticize her, calling her bad names or just making fun of her in general. She hates being made fun of so she goes to her abuela Fiona’s house a lot since it's near. After some time Dolores adopted her, now she feels safe in her own home. She doesn't need to be scared of anyone criticizing her ever again and she loves the feeling of being free of those bad words.

Juancho was also one of Mariano’s neighbors. He practically grew up in Mariano’s home since his parents didn’t give a shit about him, like they wouldn’t care if he just went missing, nor would they even care if he had died. They didn't want children and acted aggressive towards him often, Juancho didn't like them even one bit. Mariano often hung around him because he knew how they acted with him, in the end he adopted him and Juancho was more than happy. Juancho did have a coffee problem because once he saw the coffee he pretty much got addicted, they are working on it though.

They all got matching bracelets after seeing the older ones having one too.

Patricia is Frisco's and Vicenta’s step sibling. Their mom cheated on multiple men and in the end she married one, aka patrcia‘s dad. They got treated pretty bad, they were forced to do all the housework, if they didn't they got punishments. Dolores adopted them last year when they were 4, she actually fought to adopt them earlier but the police often refused, in the end she finally adopted them. They were fearful at first but then got comfortable with their new family, they are relaxed and don't have to worry about punishments anymore.

Yoga was treated badly because of his skin condition, his family made him feel like a mistake, like he didn’t deserve to be alive. Luckily he was the neighbor of Fiona, he always ran to her after they did something, sometimes he would stay with her some days and sometimes he would stay at Dolores’s. He hated being treated badly just because of his condition. Fiona ranted the parents out and Dolores ended up adopting him. For some reason he liked the julieta‘s outfit a lot, it made him feel calm just by seeing it so they made sure to make him something similar in which he ofc feels safe.

Diego was the oldest and first one Dolores adopted. (Besides Camilo and Mirabel) His father didn't treat him well, he made Diego work a lot. His uncle‘s side of the family wasn’t good either, they too treated him badly. Diego was confused most of the time, yet he was also angry. Sometimes his father would kick him out and then take him back in, but one day when Diego was 9 he ran away, he didnt wanna work anymore, he didnt wanna get hurt or bad-mouthed anymore. Dolores found him in the forest and took him in, he looked up to her a lot since that day. Now he is rested, no more work and no more bad words, plus he loves being a big brother.

Bronco‘s parents only used him and his sister for good reputation. They didn‘t want children but they saw how much people with children get praised so they decided to have 2 children for good reputation only. When they weren’t getting praised they were left alone unattended somewhere, Dolores always has to go to their garden so they won't hurt themselves accidentally. When Bronco was 2 he set the house on fire without knowing, the house burned down but Dolores still got him and his sister out in time. His parents didn’t survive, but bronco didn't care that much since he didn't even really know them. Dolores adopted them and he felt happier to be with her than his parents.

Cruzito‘s parents didn't want him, they noticed how Dolores adopted many children, so they asked Dolores to take him. She was upset how they did not want their own child but she didn't refuse. Dolores adopted cruzito, he grew up happily in a big family with lots of love and spoilering.

Almira’s parents used her for a good reputation like bronco. She didn't like seeing so many bad face‘s, some were making her upset. She didn't like going to the same places and would just end up crying. One day her brother set the house on fire, Dolores saved her but she was really traumatized by it, she cried every time she was put down by Dolores because of the thought of being hurt again, after some time though she felt safe enough to be on the floor and even start to walk herself. Mostly though she likes being picked up rather than walking.

Angela‘s and Amalia's parents weren’t bad people, well at least not their mother. Their mother was good friends with Dolores, but she knew that she couldn’t handle twins at birth since it was risky for her age. She made a promise with Dolores that if she died she wanted her to take care of the twins. And sadly she did die after the birth, Dolores was devastated but kept her promise. Their father divorced their mother when he found out about the pregnancy, he didn't want children and so he left. Dolores makes sure they grow up to be loved.

Victorio is Olivia’s little brother, since birth he has been abused, his parents were nothing but just aggressive towards him. Thankfully he is a calm child most of the time. He is happily now in Dolores’s care, without getting hurt for the rest of his life.

Now we're onto Dolores!! She started to notice Mirabel was neglected by the whole family, even by her own mother. She hated hearing the cries she heard from mirabel after the ceremony, no one also went to comfort her so she took the matters into her own hand and started to take care of her, it wasn’t a long time till she started to take care of Camilo too. After some time she heard a child in the forest, all alone and she couldn’t just leave him there so she took him in. Since that day she started to take more and more care of the children that needed care. But who would take care of Dolores? Well at the time she found that child in the forest she also met a woman in the age of her mother, she built a bond with the woman and started to see her as a mother figure, pepa lost her spark with Dolores a long time ago, since she was 5. She also met her beloved husband through the kids, everything is great…till it isn’t.

Mariano grew up with no parents, his father is unknown and his mother died at birth. His grandma took care of him and he made a promise to never be like his father. He grew up pretty well behaved, he made sure to treat everyone kindly. He started to get a crush on his best friend, Dolores after a while. He has known her since childhood and he also knows that she helps the people in need. He wanted to be by her side, helping the ones in need, but he also wanted to help her too. After a confession, they started to date and then he proposed, they got married and Mariano couldn’t be happier. He loves his family and what he has become. He would never change it the way it is.

Elena Rosa, the grandmother of Mariano had a normal life, she grew up like any other kid, maybe sometimes her life got down, like that time she lost her husband in the escape. She gave birth to a little girl, who later on also died on her grandson‘s birth. She was devastated but she swore to raise him in the way she would’ve. She hates her daughter's husband for abandoning her during the pregnancy. Elena loves Dolores and her family a lot too. She knew that Dolores was just perfect for Mariano, plus she also loves to spoil her great grandchildren. They are everything for her.

Fiona grew up poorly, her family wasn’t the best, so she made sure to cut them out if she ever got married. Which she did, but after he found out that she couldn’t get children he left her and 6 years of her life went to waste on him. She was alone after that, till Dolores came to her life. She treated Dolores like a daughter she couldn’t have before. And in the process Fiona also got a son-in-law plus grandchildren!! She loves spoiling Dolores and her grandchildren, she made sure to make sure they won’t get the same treatment she got. She’s very protective of her family, she will hurt anyone who even dares to looks at them the wrong way.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Y’all best believe I spend a lot of time of this 😭 I also needed to rewrite most of their lores since tumblr decided to be a pain in the ass 😞 Fiona is just a character I wanted to add since Dolores deserves a mother figure in this au 🥲👍 I really love and enjoy this au a lot!! I think in the future I will start to write too :D!! If any of y’all got something to say or ask so about this au I be very glad to answer or hear about it!!

Also, the children live in a second casita alike house, just that this house is like a magical room. In Dolores’s room, Guzman‘s house and Fiona‘s house is a door connected to casita 2.0. The room is ofc huge, and everyone who chooses to have an own bedroom has one, some share one cuz they don’t like being alone. They have a garden, multiple bathrooms, and everything they need. Since technically the room isn’t connected to the candle like casita is, it still will be there after casita‘s fall!! Just that Dolores room door won’t work anymore till they rebuild casita. 🩵

[weebsinstash]

The “I am going to heal you with sex trope” always rubbed me the wrong way, it’s straight up gross. Like in manga or books when the main character is or nearly is SA’d (or has gone through any other type of traumatic experience) somehow the male character immediately thinks sex is going to solve all her problems. It just feels so uncomfortable to read, like “oh you nearly got assaulted? let’s have sex!” “you just watched your best friend be brutally murdered like a day ago?? well sex will get you mind out of it.”

I feel like there can be a middle ground with having someone with trauma being able to find the beauty and safety in being able to love and trust and have sex with another person again, that you have someone you can trust and knows will respect you and be safe with you, but it usually isn't handled well and jesus it really isn't in this story either

Like. It's chapter 18, she's only known this guy for like a week, maybe two, she's barely been rescued from her father, and they're on the couch watching a movie, the protag Ember, her future mate Blaze, and two other pack members who are mates. And Blaze notices Ember is sitting by herself on the couch occasionally looking at them and he starts to cuddle her so she doesn't feel alone and she actually doesn't mind it. She's not used to an actually positive physical touch. And you think, oh wow the first step in her healing, this is wholesome

and then it instantly cuts to "the mate bond is causing the touch to not just be calming but also arousing so this teenage incest victim who has never had a positive or even consensual sexual encounter is being made horny by an external force not by choice and now Blaze can smell it and is horny and wants sex" like ayo??? She's just trying to mind her own goddamn business right now why is it necessary for the stort and her journey to FORCE her to be horny right now? She doesn't even fully realize what being aroused even feels like or MEANS because her father and attackers never bothered with anyone's pleasure beside their own? Like this is super fucking creepy?

And the wolf is inside of him saying he should just take her to the bed right then and there, "can't you smell her, it's what she wants" and the human guy tells him that "scent does not mean consent" and its like oh so the author DOES have a small grasp on how fucking weird this is

And also should I mention another reason I'm about to drop this story is there was a line something like "I've been feeling XYZ symptoms lately and that means either ABC or I'm going into heat soon but surely it isn't that" oh so now you're gonna give the CSA survivor the magical "im super horny to the point its a medical condition and I might have to have sex for my own health even if i dont want to" condition? Bro???? BRO????? How many chapters is this cause this is moving so goddamn fast is this like a 30 chapter story or

Bull fucking SHIT will I listen to 87 chapters of this let alone having to pay

I know I'm one to talk but like I chose this story because the description mentioned the progag being abused by her father and isolated and then finding her mate but there's absolutely no warning that the abuse includes incest or child abuse. I've had stories literally begin the chapter "this story or chapter may contain upsetting content including XYZ" and others are like "no we're going to vividly describe how this malnourished child feels as her father settles his weight on top of her and she can't even move because he's resting his full weight on her and punching her in the face repeatedly while he's about to--" like you know? You know? With darker stories it can be entertaining to encounter a shocking twist but some things really do need warnings, some topics you have to be in the right headspace to engage with and this was just. Stomach churning for me. The whole time I was thinking "please let it just be beating, please let this be her stepdad and not her actual blood father" and. I already told you how all that turned out 😒 time to find another betrayal/revenge story to listen to because not even just the sex stuff, they're giving these teenagers too much agency and maturity for how old they actually are and its just kind of jarring that these teenagers are kind of like running their entire packhouse while going to high school. It's a liiiiiittle TOO YA novel for me kwim

[will-you-pick-me]

lITTLE BISCUIT??? im going to cry, newest favorite term of endearment actually, knowing all these lil social tidbits is so fun, id probably get along well with all of em, but uh. well. Ulrich good luck I talk a mile a minute sometimes A further question since I am oh so curious, what are their preferred ways to destress? be it hobbies, talking with certain people or otherwise?

Mikey often self-isolates, going back to his apartment and curling up on his mattress, pulling his blankets over his head to block out at least a little bit of the light and noise. If you're dating him, or very close friends, he might drag you into cuddles, burying his face into your shoulder and just staying there, quiet.

Ulrich journals - it's the only place he feels comfortable to vent all the emotions he must keep tied up and boxed away behind professionalism, the only place he can put the flowing poetry and vibrant colours he sees behind his eyes when he blinks or tries to sleep. There's a whole world trapped inside this CEO's brain that he feels ashamed of, because it does not fit all the standards he's been conditioned into from a young age.

Zach should be easy to guess - tea! There's nothing a warm and sweet cuppa won't at least make feel easier to manage, and they have quite the herbal collection to mix and match from depending on what the trouble is. Valerian, for instance, is a wonderful sleep aid, provided you make the right strength for your body weight. Too much, though... And you won't be waking back up.

Jessica often escapes into her sewing, or a good book. Sewing is meditative, but still requires enough focus to keep stitches even and neat and to not stab yourself, so it provides just as much of a mental escape from any worries as immersing herself in a book does.

Jack will seek you out immediately for cuddles, but if he can't find you or you're busy, he'll slink off to the woods. There's something about being among the pines that's soothing to some deeper part of his mind, all the sounds and smells - the smells!!! - that can be found there. But, if you are available for cuddles, his nose is going to be buried in your hair or the back of your neck, because at the end of the day, you're his favorite smell.

Narrator is also a journaling type. He has piles and piles of books he's filled over the centuries, but the newer stacks are all dedicated to you. What you like, what you don't like, times you've laughed and what made you laugh, he wants to remember it all because he's painfully aware that he will likely outlast you, and a life that shines as brightly as yours deserves to be remembered, even if only by one. You being here had meaning, and he's not going to let that meaning disappear to the sands of time. Even if you never get to see him face to face, he will make sure that your life is remembered with love.

[chaoxfix]

do gems conduct electricity?

word count: 13K relationship: sonic & rouge ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39375603

summary:

Rouge is a thief, spy, and works for anyone who can pay the right price. She may have a conscience, but she’ll admit to being generally untrustworthy. Especially since she has a talent for seeing through people. Which is why she’s surprised that she might be one of the few people Sonic is honest with.

alt: Two conversations Rouge would never have expected from Sonic, and a lie she tells on his behalf.

notes:

one of many sonic forces rewrites focusing on the idea of sonic being used as the Eggman Empire’s battery during forces. im not saying its a theory per say, as that'd require evidence, and i dont have anything except motive and the fact that sonic's in pretty good condition when he busts himself out, and how quickly eggman takes over the world. 

still, if this WAS something canon and expanded upon... it would have packed a punch. knowing sonic's energy is what's being used to fight his friends... i'd count that as torture, wouldn't you?

also notes for re: rouge: as far as i can tell in-game, she’s the one who actually confirms sonic is being…. ‘tortured’ … and they havent had many scenes together though have had a few intense ones (like sonic giving her shadows ring). i couldnt get the idea of them having an oddly personal ‘rooftop conversation’ friendship but never talk outside of serious confessions.

also minor cw: they discuss shadows death and whether it was intentional (ie suicide related) or not. its not written to be super triggery but it is very melancholic.

this whole fic series is more melodramatic than i intended it to be but w/e

fic:

Rouge and Sonic don’t run in the same circles, but she knows far too much about him all the same. 

They aren’t friends , not exactly. Rouge prefers Sonic’s friends to the blue hedgehog himself – specifically, the ones that are fun to piss off because they're not afraid to hit back. Knuckles is fun to tease, and Shadow is… well. He’s complicated enough that she likes the challenge. They’re both isolated loners who are bad at conversation, and are a little too naive despite how much they trust their own (usually bad) judgment. 

Maybe Rouge has a type, but it does make them perfect targets when she’s scheming. 

Sonic, though. He’s not so easy to manipulate. Completely disinterested in Rouge’s usual games. In theory, he should be easy to at least rile up, given that he picks a fight with Eggman on a weekly basis. But unlike his red friends, pissing Sonic off only works if she’s willing to hurt people. And, well, Rouge doesn’t like getting her hands dirty. Her white gloves aren’t just a fashion statement. 

Sonic’s not naive, either, like many of his friends. Or overly trusting. 

Overly forgiving, yes, and sometimes in ways Rouge is sure will end badly – but not trusting . 

Truthfully, Rouge gets the feeling that the only person he completely trusts is himself… and even then, he mainly trusts himself to save the day. If he offers forgiveness to someone who betrays him, well, he can just fight harder next time they try their hand at global domination. Piece of cake. The people he forgives can either accept their second chance or not, but he’s going to offer it no matter what. He chooses to get burned, time and again, because of the tiny chance of someone turning it around. 

It’s a terribly dangerous thought process. She’s genuinely surprised he’s made it this far.

And yet, Sonic’s not stupid. He’s only learned to offer it so many times because it’s worked before. Not only that, but he’s right more often than not. 

Rouge doesn’t care about most of the characters he chooses to forgive. Whether they burn Sonic or not, it’s not Rouge’s business. But she does care that he trusted Shadow, towards the end. That he offered him a chance at forgiveness. 

It matters. It ended badly, yes – Shadow died. But it matters. 

Rouge, though, isn’t particularly trusting or forgiving, no matter how often she has seen that kindness paid forward. She’s worked with too many megalomaniacs, and she’s got too much invested for her own gains. Every side is willing to recruit her, because Rouge has worked for all kinds of ends and means – and she’s not interested in losing that edge just to play nice. 

She’s especially distrustful of anyone whose motive she can’t figure out. 

Everyone has a price, and everyone has an agenda. Most people fall within the grey. She can work with that; Rouge is good at figuring out what people really want and playing just fast and loose enough with her assignment so that it benefits her, too. 

She’s an ends justify the means kind of gal herself –  but she has to know everyone else’s ends and means if she’s going to stick with them. And in her line of work, she’s seen every motive under the sun. Revenge, money, thrill-seeking, family. Surprisingly, she trusts Omega – his plans are quite straightforward. Even Shadow… he was a complex mystery, but he was all about his motives. Once she figured out what it was he wanted, all of his choices lined up perfectly.

But she doesn’t understand Sonic.

No motive quite fits. And Rouge has to admit that even if they’re not friends, he’s a point of fascination. 

She’s not the only one interested, either. GUN wants to know more about him; half the time they hire her, they ask Rouge to lay out every detail she knows about the guy. Bummer for them – she rarely has anything to say that they haven’t already figured out. Instead, Rouge has spent far too much time in meetings with GUN talking about Sonic’s threat level; comparing notes about hidden motives and old gods and ancient power. If Sonic is really someone they can trust to protect them, or if he’s just biding his time to take over the world for himself. 

(It’s really funny the first time she hears it. It’s less funny after he’s fought two gods.) 

For what it’s worth, she laughs at every agent who think he’s a threat. She doesn’t know Sonic’s motive, but she does know his ends and means. “He’s only a threat,” she tells them every time, “if you decide to hurt people. Now tell me, is GUN planning on hurting anyone?” They usually stop asking her questions after that. 

In the end, GUN usually chooses not to capture Sonic. He’s been dependable in a dozen crises so far. And that’s just saving the world. As for Eggman-related schemes, he’s stopped him more times than Rouge can count. And likely, more times than the rest of them even know about. 

They have Sonic to thank for the world still being intact and relatively free. 

(And Sonic has Rouge to thank, just a little, for getting GUN off his back. Her gift to him, and to herself, to keep the world free so she can do as she pleases. )

But even if GUN leaves him alone, they never quite figure him out. 

Rouge can’t either. 

Which means that though she can trust him to save the world, she can’t trust him. Not as a friend. Not until she figures out his real motive and drive. It seems that the feeling is mutual, because Sonic doesn’t make much of an effort to get to know her. Which she’s fine with. He’s a bit too… virtuous and good-humored for her taste. 

It’s alright though. They’re cordial, and sometimes she even thinks his bad jokes are a little funny – and he’s the only one who seems able to take her flirting and give it right back to her. They have mutual friends, and they see each other plenty, and she trusts him to get her out of sticky situations if he happens to be in the area, and sometimes she even returns the favor. 

So Rouge and Sonic don’t run in the same circles – and she’s alright with that.  

But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know too much about him, all the same. 

They’ve only talked – really talked – a few times. But there are things she’d give anything to learn more about – and some that she’d do a lot more to forget. 

///

Their first real conversation happens after Shadow dies.

It doesn’t happen immediately. They don’t know each other well enough then. Sonic only knows her well enough to give her one of Shadow’s rings as a farewell, as Shadow’s only real friend, so to speak. It’s an unexpected kindness after an unexpected loss. 

The conversation that day blurs in her mind. All she really takes away from it is that Shadow is a hero, and that Sonic isn’t telling the whole story. 

Rouge wants to hear it, someday. Even if she has to force it out of him. 

But that would mean talking to Sonic – and she can’t. Not so soon. They look too alike, and he’s far too wrapped up in the greater mystery for Rouge to stand being near him. 

So they don’t see each other. Not for a while. 

She sees Sonic a lot in the news though, months after Shadow dies. Eggman isn’t trying too actively to take over the world, but he is still causing trouble and seeking chaos emeralds. Eggman was only willing to give them a few weeks of mourning before deciding supervillainy was still his calling. He’s back to his usual schemes – which means Sonic is also back to stopping him. Which means the world is watching their usual dance, stopping traffic as best they can to mitigate the giant robots and explosions. 

In other words, life moves on – it has to. 

Rouge does not move on. Not immediately. 

She’s taking a break from GUN. They haven’t answered enough of her questions and haven’t increased her salary enough to compensate for losing her last colleague.

Instead, she goes back to her roots. She chases anything that shines, and it leads her to a rare impulsive race for the chaos emeralds. 

In hindsight, even if GUN or another spy agency had wanted her, Rouge wouldn’t have been the best fit for the job. It’s not that she was full of volatile emotions, necessarily. But even a little bit of impulse is bad for the job, and puts the plan, her, and any teammates in danger. Rouge is willing to risk a lot for a gem – but she’s not willing to risk another partner. 

But it’s fun. A way to feel like herself when the world still feels a little askew. 

(She’s sure that blowing up the moon tilted the orbit, but she won’t be able to break into GUN’s astronomy reports until she rejoins them.)

At the heart of things, Rouge isn’t a total mess after losing her friend. But she’s still processing. Still figuring out whether to miss him or not. 

Sonic, meanwhile, seems fine. He’s always smiling and playing hero in the news. She wonders what it’s like to be able to bounce back so easily.

But inevitably, chasing chaos emeralds brings Sonic and Rouge back into the same orbit. 

They meet, by chance, at the edge of Casino Night Zone. 

Rouge just stole what she hoped was a chaos emerald. It wasn’t – just another fake, unfortunately. It shouldn’t matter then, that Sonic stopped her steal. But he’d thought it was real, too, and he’d fought her for it, before it all got turned upside down. 

It ended up being an Eggman scheme, so no one really won. That should have been the end of it. Sonic should have run home to his little fox friend in Mystic Ruins, or perhaps gone up to Angel Island to bother Knuckles. 

And yet, Sonic didn’t leave after the fight. Instead, he just tossed the fake chaos emerald up and down in his hand, stalling for time. 

“You doing anything for the next hour?” Sonic asks. 

Rouge gives him a long look. “If you’re looking for a race, I’m not sure I’m your girl.” 

Sonic laughs. He tosses her the gem and winks. “I’ll look past it, just this once. No, but really… I just figured… you like shiny things, right?” 

Rouge raises a brow. “Are you giving me this?” 

“Well, yeah, I’m not a fan of fake chaos emeralds. Definitely don’t like that someone copied Tails’s technology. They don’t feel right when I use them,” he says, “But what I really want is to show you something. I saw it last time I passed through this zone, and thought of you.” 

Rouge is… surprisingly flattered. 

Suspicious of his motives, of course. But he’s already given her the emerald, fake or not. And she supposes… it’s harmless enough to humor him. 

“Well, I’m not a fan of fake jewelry either,” she says, eyes intentionally bored as she looks at the oversized gem. “...But I’ll admit, it’s pretty. Maybe it would make a decent ring.” 

Sonic grins. “So you’ll come?”

“An hour. No more, no less.” 

///

So Rouge finds herself five minutes later on the very edge of the city. Looking down on Casino Night Zone. 

They sit on the tallest rooftop with the best view of the city lights below. They still shine bright enough to cast a technicolor glow on Sonic’s spines. It must do the same to her, because he’s staring at Rouge like she’s something that dazzles, too. 

“I didn’t expect you to keep it on you,” Sonic says. 

Rouge follows his gaze; looks down. She’d forgotten. She’s still wearing Shadow’s inhibitor ring around her wrist. 

She grits her teeth.  

She should’ve realized he would bring it up; that he was lingering just to get a good look at it. But she’s a little offended; Sonic and Shadow were friends, but Sonic himself recognized that Shadow cared about her. Sonic could have kept it for himself if he wanted it so badly. It’s no one’s fault but his own if he gave it to her. If now he doesn’t have anything left of Shadow for himself. 

“Don’t you have a cat to save from its tree?” Rouge asks, and puts a hand over the inhibitor ring, as if to keep him from stealing it. The irony of a thief guarding her most precious possession isn’t lost on her. “Why are you even still here? Don’t you have to get back to Mystic Ruins?” 

“Why would I do that?”

“...Because you live there?”

Sonic raises both brows. “You think I live somewhere? That’s so weird .” 

Rouge’s eye twitches. 

But Sonic doesn’t reach for the inhibitor ring. He only looks at it, fascinated. If he wanted it, Rouge knows he could have stolen it already, with his speed being what it is. 

Reluctantly, Rouge loosens her protective hold. 

Sonic looks a little more cheerful already. “Anyways,” he says, “If you don’t want to talk about Shadow, that’s okay. But to answer you, I thought what I was doing was obvious.”

Rouge doesn’t say anything, just watching him, waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

“I wanted to check on a friend,” he says. 

And there it is. But Sonic doesn’t laugh, or say anything else ridiculous. Instead, he just leans forward, hands on the railing, and looks up at the stars. At the moon, half broken as it is, but still shining. 

Rouge looks at Sonic. Really looks at him; tries to get any read on him at all. 

“I didn’t think we were friends,” she finally says. She glances down at the ring. Thinks about what it might mean, if she and Sonic are friends, too. If it means anything. 

She’d take Shadow over him in a heartbeat. 

But she can’t – and Sonic hasn’t done anything to deserve that, aside from surviving something the Ultimate Lifeform couldn’t. 

She sighs. Her shoulders slump, and she rubs the inhibitor ring. 

“It’s unfair how short his time on this planet was,” she says. “It’s unfair that he never had a chance to enjoy his life. Or make real friendships.” 

“They were real,” Sonic says. “Realer than anything, to Shadow. It had to have been, or he wouldn’t have helped us.” 

Rouge scoffs. “Of course you’d talk about the power of friendship saving us. Ugh. He would have hated it.” 

Sonic chuckles. He looks at her, something half hearted on his face. Whatever he’s thinking, he won’t share it. Not all of it. But there’s something like a smile, and something like comfort. He offers her a hand. “Nah. I think he would’ve liked it. He was a softie, deep down. He cared about people, a lot . Being grumpy or keeping your feelings to yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care.” 

Rouge looks at him for a long time. There is the faintest thought at the back of her mind. That Sonic isn’t talking about only Shadow. 

He might not even be talking about her. 

Cool air blows in from the west, and Rouge shivers, just a little. Sonic doesn’t look phased, instead just sighing into the chill and closing his eyes. They fall into a companionable silence for a little while; Rouge watches the cars pass in the streets far below them. 

She’s surprised Sonic is sitting still for this long. 

It’s hard to imagine him being here willingly. She’s not sure what to do with it, now that he’s here. 

It’s funny – he kind of reminds her of Shadow, when he’s not talking. 

“I’m not working for GUN right now, you know,” Rouge says. “They haven’t earned my trust back yet.” 

Sonic makes a soft, noncommittal noise. “Fun as they are to fight, I’m getting tired of dodging them,” he admits. “I hear their new commander’s a step in the right direction though. Maybe they’ll finally turn it around.”

And chaos, there’s that trust again. 

“Do you ever stop letting people abuse your trust?” 

Sonic actually laughs. “I don’t know if you’re really someone who should be asking me that. I could happily take that rock off your hands if you’re worried about who I put my faith in.” 

Rouge raises a brow. Some virtuous hero he is. “You wouldn’t dare .” 

“Try me.” 

She knocks her hand again Sonic’s shoulder. It’d be flirting if he was a few years older – but right now, it feels like correcting a kid brother. Sonic snickers, and she knows he’s not reading too far into it.

“What will people say if you took this back from me, hm?” she asks. “I’d never recover.”

“Ah, but if you told people, that’d mean admitting I gave it to you in the first place.” Sonic winks. “My reputation can take a hit – but what will your master thief friends say when they hear you accepted a jewel this big as a gift ?” 

Rouge smirks. “That assumes there are other thieves at my level – and that we’d ever hang out together.” 

“My bad, my bad.” Sonic chuckles, rubs the back of his neck. “I guess I was picturing it like a secret book club or something. Gossipping about all the newest jewels between… um, whatever people do at book clubs.” 

And yeah – Rouge was right. He really is just a kid. She laughs despite herself. “Whether or not I’d join this book club depends entirely on what you think we’d read.” 

“The classics,” Sonic says without missing a beat. “Anything old and fancy. Romance novels from a few centuries back, probably.” 

Rouge presses a hand to her chest, faking a gasp. “You’re stereotyping me. Just because I like jewels doesn’t mean I like everything else to be formal. …I prefer nonfiction, anyway. That would be like me stereotyping you as a…” She hums. “Comic book fan.”

“But I do like them.” 

“I should be so surprised.” 

Sonic looks at the ground, smiling with a dumb smile on his face. He goes quiet for a moment, and they fall into a companionable silence. The city lights shine below them, and Rouge has to admit, they really are beautiful. She’s glad he thought of her. Normally she doesn’t fly this far off the ground… She would never have been able to see this otherwise. 

Clouds pass over the moon, and Rouge can almost imagine it’s still whole. But the clouds pass, and she sees the crumbled remains. 

She glances back, and Sonic’s looking up at the moon, too – an unreadable expression on his face. Funny. She always thought he was so expressive. 

“You said you wanted to check in on me,” she finally says, turning her upper half to face him. “Consider me checked in on. I’m doing alright.” Sonic opens his mouth to say something – but Rouge cuts him off. “And now that I’m fine – I’m far more interested in how you’re doing.”

“What, about Shadow?” 

“Anything,” she says, though admittedly, yes, she was really only interested in what he felt about Shadow. “Have you ever lost someone before, on all those adventures you’ve been on?” 

Sonic looks surprisingly taken aback. “Oh.” He pauses, clearly thinking hard, and clearly trying to dodger he question entirely. “Uh… it’s hard to say…” 

“Have you, or not?” 

It takes a long while. Then, finally, hesitantly: “I always got them back… eventually. Sort of,” Sonic says. “A few missing friends, who turned up again a year or two ago. A uh… friend that I put faith in, where things didn’t turn out so good for him. He was rebuilt… well. I guess he might not be the same person anymore. So maybe I have really lost him, too …And now Shadow.” 

There are a few stories there, Rouge thinks. ‘Rebuilt’ must mean a robot. She decides not to ask. 

“I wish Shadow could have been around for longer,” Sonic finally continues. “I think he would have wanted to, too. Even if he chose to sacrifice himself like that… and even if it seems like he didn’t have a future planned for himself, it would have been nice for him to stay and figure one out.” 

Rouge nods. Privately, she doesn’t share that she finds it hard to picture any future for Shadow. He was so in his head, so cocky and rude and bent on revenge for so much of his brief time here. Only turning it around towards the end. But, like Sonic… she does wish he’d had the chance to make himself into someone entirely new. “I replay that day a lot. We really thought he was going to let the planet die… but now, it’s hard to picture him making any other choice.” 

“Yeah. He’s good at sticking to a decision and seeing it through, alright. He did just about everything he ever set his mind on… except his original plan,” Sonic says, looking up at the moon. “I’m just glad he turned it around and saw this one through. Saving Earth, I mean. Not dying.” As if he really needed to clarify, he looks down and adds, “I don’t think he wanted to die, necessarily. I hope not.” 

“I would hope not, too,” Rouge says, looking at Sonic more intensely. “Why ‘necessarily’? Do you think he wanted it to happen like this?”

“I…” Sonic frowns. He furrows his brows. “I don’t know. Probably not. You knew him better than I did though. He was so stoic and kept everything so close to his chest… It can really do a number on you,” he says thoughtfully. “If anyone would know, it should be you. So if even you aren’t sure, well, I guess we’ll never know.”

She narrows her eyes, ever so slightly. 

She’s caught on that middle sentence. Between this, and what he’d said earlier, Rouge is getting the sense that Sonic is trying to allude to something deeper. 

She’s a little fascinated despite herself, thinking of some of those classified GUN files on him. Is he a threat? Is there more to him than thrill-seeking? 

“You say that like you’re the type to keep things to yourself,” she asks, looking at him with as disinterested a stare as she can manage. “Are you?”

To her surprise, Sonic laughs despite the slight insult. He even throws her a wink. “You got me, I’m an open book. But that’s not what we’re talking about, I’m just saying-” 

Rouge cuts him off. “Darling, no one who’s an open book has to say they’re an open book.” 

“I’m just saying ,” Sonic pointedly finishes, “That if I did know what that was like, which I don’t, it would be a nightmare. His life was… really rough. But he chose to do the right thing in the end. So I get the feeling he was a real softie, deep down. He cared about you, and Mobius, and all the people who live on it. He chose to trust us, and to listen to his heart. I don’t think he did that lightly, or that it was easy for him – but he still did it. Either way, it ended the same, and we can thank him for helping save the world. …Even if he kept things to himself and acted like a real jerk most of the time.” 

“But,” Rouge lightly interrupts. “Do you think he meant for things to end the way they did?”

Sonic pauses, thinking for a very long moment. She almost thinks he’ll choose not to answer at all. But to her surprise, he does. “He had his walls up for a reason, and the way he was brought into the world… I mean, it’d mess anyone up. Maybe he did mean to just… stop, after he finished whatever he set out to do. Especially since his revenge was such a limited plan. I mean – if he went with his original plan and destroyed the planet, what would be left for him to do afterwards? Nothing. Even if he survived it, he’d just be alone.” He looks uncomfortable thinking about that, and Rouge almost regrets asking. It feels… wrong, to have someone as bright and positive as Sonic talk about Shadow’s end. But ever the optimist, Sonic looks bad with a tiny smile. A glimmer of positivity. He continues, “But, he had a big change of heart last minute – I like to think that he could have figured out a life for himself. I choose to believe that he’s only not around because he didn’t have another option.”

It’s a surprisingly thoughtful speech.

…Rouge gets the feeling he’s been wanting to say it for a bit now. 

“It’s a nice thought,” she finally says. Sonic smiles. “I hope you’re right.” 

They both go quiet for a moment. She wonders, suddenly, if he’s had anyone to talk about this with – or if he’s kept it to himself, like her. She thinks back to the ARK, and the group of friends around him. Maybe he could have talked with Knuckles – but Knuckles didn’t know Shadow. And Tails… poor kid. She gets the feeling he was a little too young to grasp the scope of what they were facing. 

Despite herself, she hopes this is cathartic for Sonic as it feels for her. 

And – in all fairness… He’s younger than her. He doesn’t seem to have anyone else to talk about this with. She might not consider Sonic a friend, but she does have, maybe, the tiniest soft spot for him. He’s young. Despite herself, she wants to give him a chance to open up. 

"I just can’t believe he’s gone. Just like that,” Rouge looks closer at Sonic, at the contemplative expression still on his face. He called himself an open book, hm? She’ll be the judge of that. “Do you miss him? Or did you know him well enough to miss him?” 

Sonic meets her eyes, his own surprisingly guarded. “Kind of a loaded question there. Like I said, you knew him better than I did.”

“But, do you miss him?”

Sonic looks down. He crosses his arms over his chest. Clearly thinking about it. Rouge waits for another impassioned speech about how Shadow gave it all for everyone else to live, so of course he misses him. But then just when Rouge thinks he’s going to say something passionate, he looks away and rubs the back of his quills.

“I don’t know. Maybe I could have if we’d had more time. That’s the whole problem, isn’t it? He died before we could really get to know him."

Rouge sighs. “I suppose…” 

“I definitely feel like we lost something now that he’s not around. So I guess that could mean I miss him, even if I didn’t know him very well.” Rouge lets out a soft hum to show she agrees. “...But he kind of did it on purpose. He didn’t want anyone to know him. He had a lot of walls up, and he didn’t want to let anyone past them. Knowing what I know now… I kind of get it. Thinking that your only purpose is bringing destruction to everyone around you. If I was in his shoes, I…” He kicks his feet a little, heels tapping against the building below. “Truth be told, he reminds me a little of Chaos… I just wish I’d been able to give Shadow that same peace.” 

She wonders what he was going to say, before he changed course. But she decides not to ask. She gets the feeling this is rare, for him. So she’ll take what she can get.

“Maybe you did,” she says, instead of asking. “You were using the chaos emeralds with him too, after all.” 

Sonic doesn’t meet her eyes when she looks at him this time. He crosses his arms tighter around his middle, looking surprisingly sad. “Yeah… maybe.” 

The rooftop gets quiet after that, with only the wind to break the tension. Rouge thinks she may have overstepped, somehow. Miscalculated not pressing him for more details. She’s not sure. 

But she has the overwhelming urge to not leave things here. And to not leave him sad and contemplative. “If we’re talking chaos emeralds and how they make everyone feel,” she finally says, voice lilting, flirty. “I bet Knuckles could shed some light on things. Maybe we should pay his island a visit?” 

Sonic grins. He sees the out for what it is and takes it in a heartbeat. “Should have known all this was to butter me up to get the Master Emerald out of me.” 

Rouge bats her eyes. “Would I do that?” 

Sonic just shakes his head, looking exasperated. “Doesn’t matter. You think I know the current coordinates? Knuckles won’t let me within a thousand miles of his island anymore, after all the trouble I’ve caused him the last few years.”

Rouge grins, canines sharp in the technicolor light. “I’m sure he’s not that vindictive… Not for a friend.” 

“No one holds a grudge quite like Knuckles.”

“Well,” Rouge says, voice soft and as persuasive as she can make it sound – intentionally over the top. She playfully pokes at his chest. “If you do happen to find the coordinates, I promise I won’t share them with anyone.”

“Oh, Knuckles would be thrilled,” he teases, easily swatting away her hand. “I’m sure he’ll be much more receptive if he knows it’s just you stealing the Master Emerald.” 

Rouge winks. “He would. It gets boring up on that island. He could use some excitement.” 

“You keep telling yourself that.”

A breeze slowly blows in from the south, and Rouge shivers. She’s satisfied. Sonic looks better, and… they’ve finally talked about Shadow. She can’t imagine they have much else to say to one another. Despite what Sonic says, she knows they’re still not ‘friends’, per say. And she prefers not to overplay her hand. 

So Rouge fakes a yawn, stretching out and shaking out her wings. “Well, not that this hasn’t been fun,” she says, “But if you don’t have Angel Island’s current coordinates, I’m afraid I’ve got to run. Some of us have beauty sleep to catch up on, and this night air is going to ruin my skin.” 

“Sounds boring – night air’s the best air. But I guess if you have beauty sleep to catch up on…” Sonic winks, and just like that, he’s standing on the rooftop ledge. If he were anyone else, Rouge might reach for him on impulse. But he’s so very himself that Rouge doesn’t think for one second that he’s in danger. He gives her a two-fingered salute. “Night, Rouge.”

She laughs, and he jumps. 

Soon, there’s nothing but a blue afterimage against a dark sky and city lights. If she strains her eyes and looks in the right direction, she can just barely make out a blue blur speeding across the countryside towards Mystic Ruins. 

Going home to see his friends after all, hm? 

He’s more sentimental than he lets on, she thinks. 

But she heads to her own apartment, and feels a little bit better in the weeks that follow. 

One conversion doesn’t make her forget about Shadow. She doesn’t feel completely fine; she still lost a friend too soon. She doesn’t stop wearing the inhibitor ring, either. 

But it feels better. Lighter. It was nice to talk about Shadow with one of the few other people alive who might have known him at all.  

//

Shadow comes back within a month of that conversation. 

She could forget that conversation with Sonic, if she wanted to. But even if she tried… it will always strike Rouge as an unexpected, if ultimately unnecessary, kindness. And every now and then, when she’s in Casino Night Zone, she stops by the rooftop for a few minutes to think.

// 

Within two years, that rooftop takes on a very different meaning. For six months, she looks up at the moon – now repaired, only to be overshadowed by the everpresent Death Egg in the sky.

The Eggman Empire is expanding every day. Soon, there will be nothing left.

Eggman shouldn’t be able to conquer the world this fast. It shouldn’t be possible, even with all the resources he’s been amassing the more he conquers. 

But without Sonic to stop him, there’s not much hope. 

She thinks about the last time she lost a friend. And the unexpected kindness that followed. She’s not the type to do favors, really. But when Knuckles contacts her out of the blue, not just with a mission to aid the resistance, but with information that Sonic’s alive…

Well, she may have an unexpected kindness to return. 

//

The worst part of being a spy is what you find out about your friends. Especially when they aren’t even aware of what you know. 

Rouge is here on the Death Egg to confirm that Sonic is alive – and she does. Chaos help her, she can confirm he’s here. He’s alive, and even in decent health. 

But the truth is worse. And every question she’s had about Sonic is on display in front of her. 

She’s in the rafters above a small room. Not a holding cell, though. 

A generator. 

//

“Agent Rouge,” she remembers. Commander Tower had tried to seem so imposing. By size, he certainly was – she was barely as tall as his hip. But they both knew who held the power in these conversations. “Do you have any new reports on Sonic?” 

Rouge bats her eyes, sitting on the edge of the war room table. “That depends. Do you have anything to pay me for all my trouble, following him?” 

Commander Tower sighs. Two guards drop two sacks of glittering gems for her. Rouge clasps her hands over her heart, absolutely overjoyed at the way they sparkle. 

“My, you even remembered not to put any fakes inside this time,” she says, smiling wickedly. “It’s no chaos emerald, but I suppose those are in limited demand…” 

“Rouge, do you have information or not?” 

“Only that he’s even more powerful than you think,” she says, examining her gloves at the nails, splaying her hand this way and that. “But I think you already knew that. He fought Chaos, after all. Anyone who can go toe-to-toe with a god and win… I’m not surprised you’re interested.” 

Commander Tower narrows his eyes. “Do you know his location?” 

“He doesn’t seem to live anywhere,” she says. “Free spirited like that.” 

“Have you interacted with him one on one?”

“Can’t say that I have,” Rouge lies. “He’s hard to get alone.”

“Is there anywhere he frequently returns?” 

“Nothing that would benefit you to know.” 

“Agent Rouge-” 

“Ah ah ah… I wouldn’t recommend pissing him off by tracking his friends’ location. Which, might I remind you, you already know,” she asks. “I might remind you too, he is very powerful. I’m not sure I’d like to see that power used when he’s angry.”

“That’s the point of your mission! To identify his power, and identify a way to contain him-” 

“Contain him?” Rouge presses a finger to her bottom lip, feigning innocence. “Now why would we want to do that?”

“He’s a loose cannon!” Tower explodes. “We have no idea what he wants or what he’ll do to get it! You of all people should know he can’t be trusted without a motive. If he gets all seven chaos emeralds again–”

“Then maybe you ought to find one and pay me with it to keep it out of his hands.” Rouge interrupts him without a second thought. She winks at him. “Just a thought.” 

“Agent Rouge, this is serious-”

“I’m always serious about the chaos emeralds.” She takes out a large pink gem from one of the sacks, examining it carefully. With a tone designed to piss Tower off slightly less, she continues, “But Sonic’s not a threat. He’s certainly powerful. But I don’t know if containing him would be the right move.” 

“That isn’t what we hired you for,” Tower snaps. “We don’t pay you for your conscience. Your whole job was to identify how to contain him if we ever need to.”

“And I’ve realized that he simply can’t be contained,” she says simply. “Mission complete. Not only is it impossible, but containing him would ruin him, if there are other threats… I’m not sure he’d like being kept in a cage, and I’m not sure you’d like what happens if he finally gets out. He might not save the world if he’s upset with us, and I happen to like living here, don’t you? Again, not that it would be possible to contain him anyway. But it would be a bit silly to aggravate your best shot at living til retirement.” 

“Don’t underestimate our capabilities.” 

Rouge bats her eyes. “I only do it because I’ve overestimated them before,” she says simply. “Unless you found a way to take Sonic’s natural power from him, you’d have a very difficult time keeping him in place. And I doubt you’d want to take away your best weapon against ancient gods, should they make their return.” 

She picks up the sacks of gems and places them in the large satchel at her side. 

“Now,” she says, hand on her hip. “Are we finished?”

Tower pinches the bridge of his nose. “Get out of my sight, Agent Rouge.” 

//

GUN should never have worried that Sonic would turn against them. 

They should have been more worried about what would happen if Eggman ever managed to contain Sonic, the way GUN had tried to for themselves. 

The writing was on the wall. Rouge feels stupid, like the worst spy on the planet, for not putting it together earlier. 

Eggman has been learning to harness energy sources for years. Even when he first started, he was utilizing small animals to power his machines to conquer the world and displace Mobians, zone by zone. They had always been small forest animals, and most people were far more worried about the threat it posed to the people who lived in these zones. 

When Eggman escalated over the years, society at large forgot where he had started out. And how he had started. 

Waking gods and trying to harness them for their power – of course that would take precedent. 

When he utilized the Wisps for his theme park, harnessing thousands – millions – for their energy, despite the cost to their lifeforce… Rouge, GUN – the whole world should have realized then what his real plan was. 

Laid out, it all sounds so simple. 

Eggman had started with small creatures. Learning to harness their natural energy. He was bested by a very powerful little blue hedgehog. Then, he started experimenting with capturing gods’ powers, chaos energy, now that he knew how much power he needed to not only take over the world but best that strange little blue hedgehog. His next attempt seemed small in comparison – waking a powerful experiment, another little hedgehog, this one called Project Shadow. Compared to using gods, it must have seemed like nothing. Yet when Eggman tried to use Shadow for his bidding, it blew up in his face. Shadow turned traitor, and nearly destroyed the world that Eggman was trying so hard to conquer. He bit off more than he could chew. So he dialed back, created failsafes. Focused on waking Gaia, in hopes of using that god’s energy to take over the world – and to do that, learned a way to safely strip Sonic of his super form, and harness both the chaos emeralds’ power, and Sonic’s own natural energy, to work for his schemes. And when Sonic managed to recover even from that… it’s no wonder that Eggman sought power elsewhere, from the wisps. A back-to-the-start scheme, a return to Eggman’s basics – to perfect his energy harvesting methods on new lifeforms. 

It’s only in hindsight that Rouge can see the pattern for what it is. It was all leading to this. 

Capturing Sonic and utilizing his natural chaos energy. 

The chaos emeralds are nowhere to be found on Mobius. Now that Rouge is here, she can only guess what they’ve been used for. 

But Rouge needs to witness this. Needs to know exactly what they’re up against. She tries to tell herself that she isn’t watching a friend suffer, because they’re not close. But she can’t help the way her stomach drops as she watches the grimmest scene she can imagine for Sonic. 

It would be better if it was torture. 

She thinks it might be a form of torture – but that’s not what Eggman is doing. Not his primary aim. For as flamboyant as Eggman has always been, he’s always had pragmatism, only ruined a little with his mean streak. 

He’s vile, but he knows a resource when he sees one. 

Why would he waste the best energy source in the universe when he’s finally got his hands on him? 

Rouge grits her teeth and takes notes of the important details. Everything she sees. 

There are large screens that do a lot of the work for her. Energy input – the chaos emeralds. Energy output – Sonic’s natural energy, keeping the emeralds from being fully drained. A check and balance to keep him from going super, and to ensure the emeralds never dampen or reject Eggman’s machinery. 

There are wires and harnesses, and something injected under Sonic’s skin. And he’s traveling at his usual supersonic speed on some kind of treadmill. Leave it to Eggman to take something Sonic loves more than anything and turn it into – this . 

As for Sonic himself… 

He looks exhausted. Smaller than she remembers; too thin, with duller fur and blunter quills. 

He doesn’t look like a larger than life hero. 

He looks his age. Barely sixteen; celebrating it as a hostage to his enemy. 

Rouge feels sick to her stomach. She’d love to intervene, but there’s nothing she can do from here. If even Sonic is captured like this, there is absolutely nothing Rouge, whose best assets are spying and stealing and collecting data, could do to bust him out right here and now. 

She’s still tempted to try, though – and she’s debating it, very seriously. If she could just cut the power line to the failsafes… the things that prevent Sonic from going Super, maybe, just maybe-

She misses her opportunity when she sees Eggman fly in on his Eggmobile.

His voice is harsh and jarring as always – but this time, he sounds like he’s gloating. “Having fun, rodent?” 

Sonic’s jaw flexes. “Oodles.” 

“You look terrible ,” Eggman says, flying closer. “Lucky for you, the doctor is in.”

He reaches for Sonic’s face – and to Rouge’s surprise, he actually bites at Eggman’s fingers. 

Eggman pulls back and shakes off his hand. “Wretched animal,” he grumbles, shaking his hand. “You act like I don’t feed you.” 

Sonic glowers. He barely even looks at him. Though he’s still traveling at super-speed on that treadmill, he looks exhausted. 

Eggman seems to think so, too. 

“Humph. Last time you made it three days before burning out,” Eggman says, flying his Eggmobile around the room. Observing Sonic from every angle. Cackling, chuckling to himself. Gloating. Something Rouge thinks, privately, that Eggman should have long since gotten tired of after having Sonic for months. 

But she supposes that after over five years of being a thorn in Eggman’s side, perhaps he feels entitled to gloat for a few months. To appreciate the novelty for a little longer. 

Sonic looks dead on his feet, but he hasn’t slowed down. 

Rouge uses binoculars to get a better look. He’s even worse from here. She can see his ribs. He’s clearly dehydrated, if his nose is that dry. And his eyes are puffy and bloodshot. There are no visible injuries, and he doesn’t look sick – but he does look awful. Like the very life is being drained out of him. 

Eggman seems to think so, too. Yet he sounds irritated, not satisfied, as he circles Sonic again. “I suppose you haven’t been eating again, hmm? Do you think that’ll make this end faster?” 

“What can I say? Your food is gross , Egghead.” 

There’s sass in Sonic’s tone, and Rouge feels the tiniest glimmer of hope, that he hasn’t been completely defeated. But even his sass sounds tired. Whatever edge his voice would normally have has been ground down until there’s almost nothing left. 

Eggman tsks. “Never thought I’d see the day when Sonic tried to run less ,” he says, yet even with his disapproval, there’s still that gloating edge. He’s enjoying this. “You know I’ll have your friends’ heads by this evening if you’re sabotaging yourself on purpose. If it affects your speed at all, they’re the ones to pay for it.” 

Sonic sets his eyes straight forward. Running with determination. “I’ve run on empty before. I just don’t like your stupid food. Nothing more to it than that.” 

Eggman glowers. Rouge glances at the screen – and despite going hungry, Sonic’s speed has been steady. If it’s a ploy for Sonic to sabotage himself, it must be to ‘burn out’ – whatever Eggman meant by that. Despite not having any reason to make Sonic suffer though, Eggman has never been one to let sass go unpunished. Especially not when he has everything he could ever want right at his fingertips. He presses a button on the eggmobile, and Sonic yelps. Rouge sees sparks fly from the harness. 

Sonic turns his head towards him, a spark of real anger in his eyes. But there’s the faintest edge of optimism. “I don’t know if you should really be damaging your best toy. Can’t wear me out too soon. You never know when my heart might give out.” 

“Don’t give me that, you worthless warthog!” Eggman is shouting now – the thin line between gloating victor and mad scientist blurring together. But he doesn’t press the button again, instead just flexing his fist. “You just remember our agreement. Keep it moving, else I’ll target your friends’ base. I’ve saved them for last – but don’t you get excited and think I’ll let them go longer than I have to. There’s nothing else left to conquer. If you were hoping for a rescue, if you were hoping to save your friends, you’re running out of time.” 

Rouge watches as Sonic grits his teeth. 

Eggman chuckles, then flies closer. It’s harder to hear – but his voice is lower. Darker. “Want me to show you how I used your energy today, hedgehog?” he asks. 

Sonic swallows hard. But he doesn’t say a word. 

“If you last another two hours, I’ll show you. You’ll get to see all your friends in action, too – how exciting, seeing them alive one last time.”

“They’ll win,” Sonic says, teeth still gritted. “We’ve won every other time-” 

“And every other time, they had you.” Eggman grins wider, rubbing his mustache. “And now, I have all of your power to myself. I have to admit, even I didn’t think I could conquer the world this fast. But you’re full of surprises, Sonic.” He reaches to pat Sonic’s back, hard, with those huge hands. “From the bottom of my darkest, blackest heart – thank you .”

Sonic actually cusses him out. Rouge raises her brows. She doesn’t recognize the language, but she knows that tone. She doesn’t have to know the words to know that Sonic’s just insulted every facet of Eggman’s being. 

“Ohoho, I was wondering how long it would take to make you regress. You were so much more fun to destroy as a child.” 

Eggman cackles, and Sonic doesn’t say another word. 

Something beeps on Eggman’s eggmobile, and he sighs deeply. “As delightful as our chats are, I’m afraid I’m needed elsewhere. Delegates to capture, people to enslave, you know the drill. Ta ta!” 

Sonic balls his hands into fists. 

But he doesn’t stop running.

Rouge slips further back into the vents, then back to her rendezvous point. Far away from Eggman – far closer to help. 

Her hands aren’t entirely steady when she finally opens her communicator. 

“Knuckles!” she says. “Can you hear me?”

To her relief, Knuckles answers –

“Rouge? It’s about time. How’s Sonic doing?”

Fully expecting Sonic to be alive. Fully trusting the Chaotix’s report. Fully expecting Sonic to be fine, and ready to be sprung out at a moment’s notice. 

She doesn’t give a damn what they expect. Sonic needs help – now .

But.

Rouge does care what would happen if anyone were to let this slip to GUN. She thinks back to her conversation with Commander Tower. Thinks back to what they would do, if they ever considered Sonic a threat again. 

If they knew this technology existed… that they could simply siphon Sonic’s energy, too- 

So Rouge lies. She lies about everything. 

She lies to GUN, she lies to Vector, she lies to Knuckles. 

She tells them nothing about Sonic being the generator.

She makes up a story about Eggman dragging this out just to show off his conquered empire to Sonic. Tells him about generic, unspecified torture. Makes up a story about Eggman ejecting Sonic into space once this is all over. 

It’s stupid. It’s a terrible lie. But Knuckles is the most trusting person she knows, even after all this time. He accepts it without question, and she doesn’t even feel guilty. The truth would just hurt him, anyway. Better to keep it bland. ‘Torture’ is acceptable; torture is surreal. No one will know what to do with it. But they’ll all agree that it’s wrong and that they need to break Sonic out immediately. 

It can also account for him being low on energy for a bit. And whatever mental state he’ll be in, after he leaves. It’ll also mean no one asks too many questions – who wants to ask their friend what way he was tortured? 

No, best to obscure the truth. 

Because, being used as a human battery – knowing that Sonic is the reason that Eggman is so strong now – 

It feels wrong . 

Others might not believe her fib, she knows. But it doesn’t matter, as long as they get Sonic out of there, as fast as possible. 

Logistically, the sooner they get Sonic out of there, the less power Eggman has in his reserves. 

Morally –

The sooner they get Sonic out of there, the easier Rouge can sleep at night. The less she’ll think about losing another friend. 

On her way out, she sabotages the line between Sonic and the chaos emeralds. Just faint enough that it looks like a wire finally shorted. If Eggman investigates (which she’s sure he will), he’ll only be able to find a tiny singed wire. Possibly a spark that blew off from when Eggman shocked Sonic as a petty revenge. 

It’s enough to bring down his system, and he’ll spend the rest of his life thinking he lost, and that he only had himself to blame. 

Maybe Sonic will be able to escape on his own now. Maybe not. Either way, the resistance is coming tomorrow. But she thinks – after months of hell, he could use at least a day to recharge his energy.

Sonic does not need to know she helped him. No one needs to know she helped him. 

–

After the war, Rouge celebrates by going to the rooftop by Casino Night Zone. 

The city lights aren’t there anymore; the city was taken over pretty early on by Eggman. It will be a long time before it recovers; before people will light up skyscrapers and technicolor billboards all over the city. 

She’s there for an hour, just thinking. 

But a breeze blows in from the west – and when she turns, it’s Sonic. 

She stares at him for a long, long moment. What is there to say? 

Sonic seems to be thinking the same thing though, and she feels the tiniest pang of sympathy. He’ll need some decent socialization before his head is all the way on again. “Fancy meeting you here,” she finally says. 

A little bit of tension bleeds out of Sonic’s shoulders. “I was about to say the same thing.”

He hesitates, walks a little closer, until they’re both looking over the same railing. 

There’s still about three feet of space between them. It feels bigger somehow, now that she’s seen him looking so small. 

“Vanilla would have my head if he knew I was talking to you here instead of sending you back,” Rouge teases. “...She is still acting as nurse for the resistance, right?” 

“Wouldn’t know,” Sonic says, sending her a smirk. “Haven’t been.”

Ah, yes. What a thing to brag about, not getting treated for injuries. Chaos, these teen boy heroes. Rouge just shakes her head – but she can’t quite blame him, either. She thinks he’s had enough of being monitored and having his vitals checked. Knowing what Eggman did to him, she’s honored to be the first person to cover for him while he sneaks away. 

Besides… Physically, all he really needs is a few extra chili dogs and some rest. He’s already looking a lot better now that his energy isn’t being drained – he’s still way too thin, and she’s pretty sure he’s lost his balance a few times lately from being over-tired, but all in all, he’s in incredible shape from being held captive for six months. 

And truthfully… the few problems he does have seem to be self-inflicted. She regrets even thinking it, putting two and two together – but she knows Sonic did it on purpose. A way to protect his friends; to burn out faster. And Eggman’s punishments for misbehaving couldn’t be too brutal. After all – why let your battery waste away if you can keep him healthy and fully charged? The worst you can punish him still has to leave him strong.

It makes her uncomfortable, thinking about Sonic in that way. 

It’s hard to picture the boy who saved the world six times over as the one hooked up to Eggman’s machine. And yet, she saw it for herself. 

Emotionally, she has no idea how he’s doing. But she doesn’t imagine it’s anywhere close to fine. There’s definitely  something off about him. She wonders — worries — if it’s really something that can heal over time. 

She shakes off the thought as soon as she can. 

“Well, if you’re going to hide here, I won’t be the one to rat you out. I’ve got better things to do,” Rouge says, breaking a silence that has started to feel heavy. 

Sonic leans against the railing, not even looking at her, but there’s the ghost of a smile on his face. He looks a little bit contemplative, but he doesn’t speak first. Instead, he just looks out at the ruined city under them. 

For all the difference between then and now, it reminds Rouge of the last time they were here.

She wonders what all he came here for. 

Rouge absently touches the inhibitor ring on her wrist. “If you’re here because you want someone to force you to talk, I’m not sure I’m the girl you’re looking for. Amy’s still back at HQ.”

Sonic finally looks her way. “Oh, I know.” He fidgets a little, drumming his fingers on the railing. “I’m just here for the view.” 

Rouge gives him a sidelong glance. “Not quite what it used to be.” 

“Nah. But a lot of things aren’t, these days.” 

Is that an invitation? “Seems that way,” she says slowly, still gauging if he wants to do this. “Are you, ah… okay?” 

It’s more awkward than she means. 

And unfortunately, it seems to scare Sonic off. He waves a hand. “I get why you ask – believe me, I do. But I’m not here to mope.” 

“Then what are you here for?” 

“Honoring tradition.” 

Rouge raises both brows. “What tradition?” 

“Checking in on a friend.” 

Rouge raises a brow.“I would have had to drop in on you, if that were true,” Rouge says. Sonic’s expression goes from lighthearted to a little embarrassed. She knocks the back of her hand against his shoulder before he can overthink it. “No, stop. You’re right. You can check in. I lost a…” She pauses. “Friend.” 

Sonic’s face goes the tiniest bit pink. He smiles. “Never thought I’d hear you say that.” 

“And you’ll never hear me say it again.”

“The friend came back, though.” 

“That he did.” 

Sonic just shakes his head, smile still in place. But when he stops, his eyes fix on the ring, still around her wrist. Shadow’s been back for over a year now, and yet, she still wears it. 

She thinks Sonic’s going to say something about Shadow, maybe, or the last time they were here. 

But then she realizes he’s staring at the communicator tucked next to the ring. 

“The funny thing is,” Sonic starts. “...I’m kind of here to say thank you, too.” 

Rouge looks at him closer. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

Sonic meets her gaze for just a second. “Can we not drag this out? I’ve got places to be. Just let me say thank you, so we can never talk about it again.” 

“Like before?” 

Sonic looks away quickly. “I mean, kind of.”

He stares up at the sky.  The Death Egg is no longer in the sky. The only thing out there is the half-ruined moon.

“Before, we still talked a little .” Rouge turns away from the sky – so that she’s facing the opposite way as him, leaning her back against the railing and sliding closer to him. Almost close enough for their shoulders to brush. “Aren’t you going to let me talk about how I lost a friend after barely getting to know him?” 

“I wouldn’t say barely,” Sonic mutters. 

“I would.” 

Sonic chuckles, but only half heartedly. “Look… we don’t have to – you know. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. I’m just glad you lied for me.” 

Rouge’s stare gets the tiniest bit more calculating. Good. So he doesn’t know what she really did. “Me? Telling a little white lie?” Rouge asks. “How could you suggest such a thing?”

“Virtue’s overrated,” he says. He’s probably being sarcastic, but Rouge can’t help but wonder. He answers her question before she can even pose it. “I mean – it’s not. Sorry. That’s a dumb thing to say. But I’m still just – thank you, okay? For not telling anyone the truth. I don’t know how much you saw, but…” 

He’s actually a little flustered. 

It’s wrong, Rouge thinks. It’s wrong that he’s not okay, and this out of sorts. But there’s some part of her that’s morbidly fascinated with how genuine he’s being. 

She wonders how many people have actually met their hero when they met their hero. 

“You’re welcome,” she says. “But don’t expect me to start doing it all the time.” 

“Not sure I love you taking the moral high ground here, Rouge.” Sonic’s voice is surprisingly dull. A little more monotone than she remembers. He crosses his arms and leans more on the railing, eyes fixed on the city below. All the battles that took place and were lost. “Is it that hard to keep it to yourself?” 

Rouge frowns. It’s not just the words themselves. With Sonic’s voice so monotone and serious, he sounds a little like Shadow. She can’t help it – it unnerves her. Especially considering what they talked about here. 

She doesn’t want to think about Sonic in that context. Especially not after what she saw. What nearly happened. 

“He had a lot of walls up,” Sonic had said, about Shadow. “And he didn’t want to let anyone past them. Knowing what I know now… I kind of get it. Thinking that your only purpose is bringing destruction to everyone around you. If I was in his shoes, I…”

The bracelet feels heavy on her wrist. 

Rouge shakes off the feeling. 

“I’m a gossip, but I’m not that bad,” she says. “If I tell anyone, there has to be something in it for me.” 

“Well, is there?” 

She leans closer, and reaches for his arm. It’s supposed to be comforting. He touches the fox kit’s hair all the time, pulls him in for a hug when he needs it. And Rouge is willing to bet Sonic hasn’t had many kind touches in the last six months. 

But she over-estimates what he wants, and Sonic flinches back.

Rouge lets go quickly, a rare apology on her tongue. “Sorry, big blue.” She pauses a moment. “...did I touch a bruise?”

Sonic avoids her eye-contact, and places his hand over his arm, where she’d touched. He- really is bothered by this, Rouge realizes. She’s surprised. Usually, he can take her flirting and responds back pound for pound. Friendly flirting, casual touches – he laughs it off. Likes it, even. 

This time, he just looks uncomfortable. “Yeah, still healing,” he says – though Rouge highly doubts she actually aggravated an injury. But they’re excellent at covering for one another, aren’t they? “No big deal though.”

Rouge frowns and files that away in her mind. She won’t touch him again unless it’s really warranted. She backs up to give him an extra foot of space, almost back to the distance they had before. She tries to make it look more casual than intentional, but she feels Sonic’s eyes on her every step of the way. “As long as no one will yell at me for roughing up the man of the hour,” she says. “Even if you are accusing me of lying.”

“Rouge…” Sonic pauses. He swallows. “Can I change my mind? Can we not do this?” 

She frowns. “You were the one who came here.”

“I know. Just…” He looks down, the toe of his shoe against the ground. He can’t meet her eyes anymore. “All I really want to know is what you saw.”

Rouge doesn’t miss a beat. “What Eggman used you for.” 

“Nothing else?”

“ Is there something else?” Rouge asks – and surely there has to be, with a tone like that. 

“No,” he says quickly. 

Rouge doesn’t believe him for a second. She narrows her eyes imperceptibly. But there’s something small in the way he holds himself. She would feel bad pressing. “If you say so. If you really want to leave, I won’t stop you. I couldn’t, anyway.” 

Sonic looks a little more relieved. His shoulders relax, and he closes his eyes as he feels the night air on his face. “When did you come?” 

“…The day before you broke out,” she says. “I saw you hooked up to that… thing.” She frowns, glancing to one of the burns on his chest. The one that looks freshest. “I’m pretty sure I was there when you got that.” 

Sonic follows her gaze, and he self-consciously pats at the burn. “Oh, this? Nothing. Eggy just wanted to make sure I knew my place,” he says. “You know. Before he banished me into space.”

Rouge bites down a pained smile. “I didn’t have time to come up with a better lie.” 

“Yeah. Maybe he would have though, after he was done. Who knows. All I care about is that we didn’t have to find out.” 

Rouge makes an unconvinced sound. 

Sonic pays her no mind. He pats his chest again, on top of the spark burn, and he looks a little more solid, less like a ghost, when she looks at his face again. “...I’d appreciate it if you do one more favor for me, though.” 

“I didn’t think we were the types of friends who asked for favors,” Rouge says. “I only do favors when there’s something in it for me.”

They both know that’s not true, at this point. But Sonic doesn’t call her on it. Instead, he rubs at his arm. 

“I’m sure you’ll find some way to spin it in your favor. You always do.” Sonic goes quiet for a long moment, looking out at the night sky again. It seems to take him time to figure out what to say. Finally, “...Listen. Some of our friends are asking questions. But everyone will be happier if they don’t know the details. And I’m kind of sick of people asking questions and worrying themselves over nothing.”

“That’s a funny way to talk about your friends caring about you.”

Sonic rolls his eyes. “Fine. Here’s what’s in it for you. It’ll keep Knuckles a lot happier, if he doesn’t know the details. And a happy Knuckles is less vigilant.” 

Rouge’s mouth quirks to a frown. “Tempting,” she says. “But he’s already plenty happy now that he’s back on his island and no longer leading a resistance. And…” She trails off. “...it’s a pretty big secret.”

“The Master Emerald is a pretty big gem.”

Sonic would never actually endanger Knuckles’s Master Emerald. Somehow, he thinks Rouge is playing along. 

“...Uh huh… and, what about your other friends? Knuckles isn’t the sharpest, but others might ask.”

“Is it really so hard to just keep quiet if someone asks? I thought you were a spy.”

Rouge raises a brow. “I am. But some of your friends are very smart. Like Tails.”

Sonic glances at her out of the corner of his eye. “Leave Tails out of this,” he says. Wary. There’s actually a hint of danger in his voice – Rouge doesn’t know what to make of it. If she looks closely, she thinks she can even see some of his quills starting to puff up. 

He’s mad, she realizes. He’s actually angry. 

“I would ,” she says, because she’s not afraid of him yet. “But he means something to you. And you mean something to him. Not much point in hiding a secret that will obviously have an impact on the both of you.” 

“Don’t tell him anything. There’s nothing ‘in it’ for you to talk to him. So leave him alone. He’s gone through enough.” 

Rouge narrows her eyes. 

“I mean it,” Sonic says. Just as intense as before. She wonders, for a second, if there are species of hedgehogs that are venomous – or if this one is just more chaos charged than the rest. “He’s – he’s a kid. He doesn’t need any other problems.” 

It’s jarring, seeing him say that when he’s years younger than her. 

What’s Sonic other than a kid himself? 

“Fine. I’m not going to tell him anything. Or at least, not intentionally,” she says, and watches closely, considering him as he relaxes. As some of those sharp spines settle back into place. “But you’re making it sound like you’re taking this to the grave. Are you?”

“I already came back from the dead. There’s not even a grave to take it to anymore. Besides,” he says. “Death was never really in the cards for me if Eggman had his way. Right?” 

Rouge stares at him. 

Remembers what they talked here, years ago, about a little too clearly. 

Sonic seems to realize what she’s thinking about almost as quickly as she does. 

“I’m not Shadow,” he says immediately. He reaches for her wrist, holding her in place. She can’t completely tell who it’s meant to reassure. “I mean it. There’s not any risk of – we don’t need to talk about that. I wouldn’t do that, so don’t make any of this into something it’s not. I want to be here. I would never – even though Eggman was using me like that, I- I would never want to hurt people. I didn’t want any of that. But I didn’t want to die, either. All I wanted was to get out of there and be back with my friends. I want my life back. And- now I do have it back. So it’s all good.” 

He means it. Sonic actually means it. Not even he could fake that kind of urgency. Rouge lets out a relieved sigh. “Good. Or else I was going to kick your tail in.” 

Sonic laughs. 

It breaks the tension. 

But instead of making her feel better, Rouge realizes she hates it. 

She hates this gray area of being his friend but barely knowing him, and still not really trusting each other. This isn’t exactly what she was worried about, back before she lost Shadow. Back before they were anything like friends, when her biggest concern was not knowing Sonic’s motive, his real drive. 

She can’t stand being friends with someone whose motive she still doesn’t understand. Whatever he’s getting out of heroism, she doesn’t know, and it scares her. Because this is something that could have killed him, and he’ll go back to being a hero in a heartbeat. 

It’s like he’s not selfish enough to even have a motive. 

But Rouge is selfish. 

And she’s tired of losing friends. 

Yes – they keep coming back, but they always come back a little different.

So Rouge needs to know his motive, if they’re going to keep being friends. If they’re going to keep doing this. Meeting up on sentimental rooftops and sharing feelings for one second before pretending like it doesn’t matter and no one said anything important at all. 

“Sonic,” she says. “Be honest with me.” 

Sonic looks at her, a little surprised at the change in tone. 

“It’s easy to say it benefits everyone else not to ask questions or worry needlessly. But what’s in it for you , me not telling anyone?” 

Sonic’s smile freezes. Then he swallows. “I mean… that’s why I said it was a favor.” 

“Negotiations aren’t free. Everyone gets something. And no one’s that selfless, not even you.” She looks at him as severely as she can; puts the same energy into it that she does when interrogating as a spy. “What do you want out of this, Sonic?” 

“I…” 

“What is it you don’t want people knowing? They already know he hurt you. They already know that he kept you alive. What’s the part you’re so fixated on keeping it a secret? Are you embarrassed that he didn’t hurt you worse?” 

Sonic pulls back, actually offended. “No! They’d be relieved, if anything – I’m not trying to keep them from feeling better about what happened to me. It’s not like I want to make them fear the worst. They’re probably eaten up inside about it enough as it is–” 

“No, stop. I’m asking about you. Not them,” Rouge reminds him. 

Sonic bristles, but Rouge isn’t intimidated. 

“Tell me. What is it?” 

Sonic makes a noise she didn’t think he could make. It’s almost a hiss. Not an aggravated, whiny groan like he makes when he’s impatient with a battle. He sounds frustrated. Angry. Utterly done with this conversation, and with her.

Rouge doesn’t bend. Not even a little. 

And finally, Sonic has enough. “The only thing I want is for people to stop making me do anything – anything – I don’t want to do.”

“I’m not going to make you tell me,” Rouge says. “No one is keeping you here. So don’t act like this is the same thing.” Sonic opens his mouth, but Rouge cuts him off. “ You came here . Now say what you’ve been wanting to say, or go.”

Sonic is surprisingly taken aback. 

“Eggman made me into just a – a thing,” he finally says. Tense. Tired. 

He waits for Rouge to cut him off. 

She doesn’t. Just keeps the tension up, because Sonic will never not react under pressure. So she lets him spill whatever secrets he needs. Because this rooftop is theirs, and he needs it far more than he’ll ever admit. 

“He used me to conquer the planet,” he says. Pauses. 

And she thinks, it’s here that he realizes she’s not going to stop him. 

“He used me to conquer the world, and it only took six months. I thought – all of our friends really thought that I was dead, just like that. And they tried so damn hard but they didn’t manage to hold ground on anything . What little they did hold was because Eggman needed something as leverage or I’d just–” He cuts himself off, waving off the end of that sentence. “I’m just waiting for them to realize that it was because of me. That every awful thing that happened the last six months were because of me. Eggman only took over the world because he used me, not just because I wasn’t fighting him. I can’t let them down. And I can’t let GUN or the Federation or anywhere know what he did, or else–” He sucks in a sharp breath. “People are scared enough without knowing I can be – be used for that. Someone else is bound to try to take me instead of trusting me to do what I always do.” 

His chest heaves. 

Finally, he stops. “Is that the confession you wanted?” 

Rouge nods. “I didn’t want to stop you. I think you needed that.” 

Sonic purses his lips. He looks like he swallowed a lemon – there’s regret on his face, but she won’t let him dwell on that. Instead, Rouge turns the pressure up again. “GUN won’t do anything, you know.” 

Sonic looks at her warily. “Why’s that?”

“Because I’m not going to tell them.” When Sonic doesn’t immediately believe her, she tosses her hair. “Please, like I want them to have ultimate power. They’re so drab. They’d make awful dictators.” 

It doesn’t fully win Sonic over, but it’s a start. 

“Anyways, I’ve told them for years you’re a far better ally than a threat. If they turn on you I’ll just pretend to play along and then sabotage their machine,” she says easily. “As for the rest… I didn’t think you needed someone to tell you that wasn’t your fault. Especially since it looks like you exhausted all your options for sabotage, too. If people did know, they’d have to be crazy to think it’s your fault.” 

Sonic crosses his arms tight against his narrow middle and looks away. Like she can’t still see the hollows of his cheeks and the shadows under his eyes. 

She can’t tell if he’s thinking about her mention of sabotaging machinery, or if he’s just pouting because she’s calling him on his wholly undeserved self-blame. 

She chooses the latter, partly in hopes to keep him from thinking too hard about the former. She still doesn’t want him to know the truth about his escape. 

“...Do you need someone to tell you it wasn’t your fault?” she asks. 

Sonic stubbornly doesn’t answer.

With a face like that, it’s easy to remember that he’s only sixteen (barely) to her nineteen. Rouge sighs. 

He’s just a kid, isn’t he? 

“Well, whatever you think, you’re wrong,” she finally says. Sighs, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “Listen… I’ve helped out prickly hedgehogs before. If you need to talk… We’ve talked before. We could do it again. Like you came here for. If you’re willing to talk instead of getting angry.” 

For an instant, Sonic looks like he might actually take her up on it. 

“I think I’ve said enough,” he finally says. “Plus… I came here to thank you. That’s it.” 

Well. As long as they’re lying to each other. Rouge sighs and shakes her head. “You’re welcome.” 

“Then we’re good?”

He is anything but. She hasn’t forgotten that he still looks like hell – and that’s just physically. 

Rouge wants to entice him further to stay and talk. 

But the fact remains that she doesn’t know him well enough to say the right thing. Clearly – since she’s already given it her best and failed. Maybe she was useful back then, when he was younger and hadn’t been through this yet. Maybe she was someone he trusted when there weren’t stakes. 

Maybe, she thinks – 

Maybe he finally offered a hand of forgiveness one time too many. Maybe he trusted in his ability to save the world one too many times.

No wonder he doesn’t want to trust someone with his feelings. 

Rouge would love to know the right thing to say. To help. 

But part of her isn’t sure there is a right thing to say. Maybe Knuckles would know – or Tails. But those are also the ones she’s been banned from talking to.

Her shoulders drop, and she sighs again. “Have it your way,” she says, as airily as she can. To give the illusion that she doesn’t care, before caring too much burns them both. “Do whatever you need to do. I think it’s stupid, but I have nothing to gain by ratting you out. I’ve got places to be, gems to steal, Master Emerald guardians to annoy. It would only slow me down if your friends tried to beg the truth out of me.” She pauses; gives Sonic a significant look. “I don’t owe them anything. And there’s really nothing I stand to gain by telling them.”

The sudden switch clearly throws Sonic for a loop.

He stares at her for a long time before he finally asks, “You promise?”

“My, my, isn’t my word good enough on its own?” she purrs. 

“You don’t do anything if there’s not something in it for you.”

“Which is why I won’t seek them out to tell them.” She looks at him, expression hardening. “And I’ll do my best not to let them catch me, either. I can be pretty sneaky when I want to be.” 

Sonic huffs, almost glaring at her. It would be almost cute, coming from him – if he didn’t look like he’d been through hell.

“It’s alright. I wouldn’t trust me either. But I’ve got to get going. Believe me or don’t, but there’s not much you can do but trust me on this, is there?” She looks over her shoulder. “I don’t think there’s anything you can offer me to persuade me. After all, the only thing that really gets me going these days are the chaos emeralds. And they’re all still… missing.”

Sonic wisely does not fess up to their location. 

She smirks a little. “That’s what I thought. I’m going home – and you should, too. It’s late.” 

“So weird that you still think I live somewhere.”

Rouge rolls her eyes. “Then keep crashing on your friend’s sofa. And… Sonic?”

He looks warily up at her. “Yeah?” 

“Don’t be too stupid about this. Get some sleep. Eat, even if it’s bound to be those disgusting things you like so much. You’re worrying your friends.”

“What’s it to you?”

“Unfortunately, some of your friends are my friends,” she says. “And I refuse to comfort anyone on your behalf.” 

Sonic rubs the back of his neck. Grudgingly looks like he’ll consider it. But instead of agreeing, he shakes his head almost fondly. “ Goodnight , Rouge.”

It’s the best she’ll be able to do, she thinks. She winks and flies away, and tries not to let the guilt eat her from the inside out. 

But if there’s a right person to comfort Sonic, Rouge isn’t it. 

She flies home to Shadow – who she does know how to comfort, a little. For his role in all this. She wonders if he, an experiment, would have anything to say to a hedgehog living as a generator for six months. 

Probably not. 

[ruby-whistler]

I was thinking about something you said yesterday about c!dream not having anyone reach out to him and it go me thinking. Because at least based on what i remember your analysis tends to have this tone of like, blame on others for not being a support system or positive influence on c!dream, which i think us unintetionally. Which made me think. Can you blame someone for not reaching out if they were unaware c!dream was feeling villainsed/unwell mentally? Because to the best of my knowledge he (1/

- never reached out to anyone other then maybe the letter to c!tommy during the pogtopia era, which c!tommy took positively and in fact stated c!dream was his friend several times to him.

Idk if im making sense. Like. If someone does self-harm or suicide or any other thing because of mental illness or otherwise emotional damage, how can people help or be at guilt for not helping if they do not know? The reason reaching out is so important to me is because people reach out when they acknowledge they need help and are willing to get it.

Idk i just feel like any form of emotional support or otherwise won't work unless a person is willing to be helped if that makes sense? Like. Lemme use an example from dsmp.

Would you blame c!dream if c!tommy had ended up commiting suicide? Would you blame c!ranboo? C!dream knew c!tommy was suicidal but didn't like. Encourage him to go to therapy. C!ranboo didn't either but unlike c!dream he had no power to revoke the exile. Would either be at blame for inertia? I genuinely don't know.

Let's go with another example here. C!tommy unintentionally hurts c!tubbo by saying he has thicker skin. C!tubbo hasn't talked to anyone about his trauma or suicidal ideation (one example is the dead man's switch) Is tommy at fault for not knowing tubbo's trauma? No! It's up to whoever has the trauma or mental issue to seek help or let people know, at least in this case.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense pls correct if wrong. Sorry if that last ask doesn't make sense. I'll rewrite it if i need to because i don't wanna come across wrong or offend anyone i just want to share my perspective and thoughts.

I think i know how to express what i wanted to yesterday but more concise and actually makes sense: you can't blame people for not helping if people don't ask for help. I can elaborate if needed

i think it would've been largely blamed on c!dream if c!tommy did end up dying by his own hand in exile. and i think that would've been... in a way fair, because he knew what he was doing, and he knew what was happening to c!tommy. but this is besides the point, because c!tommy was actively stopped from seeking help by c!dream, so the example doesn't really apply.

i think the problem with "he should've let people know" is that a common trauma response is to emotionally isolate yourself (raises hand) like in c!tubbo's case. of course you can't blame someone for not doing something they didn't know they were supposed to do, but it's... it's still bad the person didn't get help.

you know, when i talk about c!dream being abandoned, not being given a chance, or not being helped, i'm not,,, i'm not talking about the people who didn't reach out to him being in the wrong. i'm talking about him and how it affected him. how it was sad and messed up, because people need and deserve support in their life.

i blame the environment, the wars, the cycle of violence, the being hurt and then hurting others and justifying it to yourself. i don't blame the individuals - their mistakes are also a part of this loop, these situations they get stuck inside of, but they're flawed and they're human. they deserve help and they don't get it, not because all of the people around them are bad people, but because they're all hurting and make plenty of mistakes as a result.

i blame the environment for the way c!dream ended up, partially, because it could've been better. it could've ended up otherwise. that's how it should've been in a perfect world. the thing is... the dream smp is the furthest thing from perfect.

the only reason i'm ever critical of characters when it comes to the treatment of c!dream is when they do bad things after not helping him. the entire server watching him be killed twice over even though he had put away all of his weapons. c!sapnap saying he'd kill him if he escaped, while seeing the terrible conditions and what they're doing to him. c!puffy saying he doesn't deserve therapy.

sure, you could come up with justifications for a lot of this stuff, but when knowing they really did nothing to help him when he needed it most, these things just rub me in the wrong way, you know?

at this point, they know something changed. they know something happened, but they dehumanize him and let him be hurt anyways with no further wish to help after not being there in the first place.

c!dream deserved better than to have his home ripped apart and to be left alone and put in such situations. he was affected by the actions and inactions of others.

i'm not saying other people caused his bad reactions to the environment, or that they made him hurt them.

was it awful that c!dream has shown to probably not be in the best place mentally and has had his entire support system shattered when he was possibly in a dark period of his life? yes! do i blame the characters for what happened? no! they all need help! get them therapy! it's all messed up! they're all hurting each other, and that sucks - but they also deserve nothing but to get better.

/dsmp /rp

[chat-noir-always-here]

Debunking “Adrien is perfect”

  To voice a rather non-Marinette-like opinion of Adrien: He’s not perfect. He’s never been perfect. He has, in fact, been riddled with flaws from the very beginning. Part of the reason Chat Noir gets hate is because he serves to exaggerate Adrien’s flaws and make them more obvious, destroying the perfectionism façade. And the sooner Marinette tosses the “I love the perfect Adrien” filter in the trash where it belongs, and starts actively recognizing and acknowledging his faults, the better off the endgame relationship will be.

 Long post is long and I don’t like cuts, cuz i’ve lost a few posts in the past using them. Please filter the tag “long post” I use it for walls of texts like these. 

First of all, flaws are just one of the many things that happen when someone either learns something the wrong way, spends too much time in the wrong environment, lack any decent role models... really there are a plethora of causes. What i mean is character shortcomings aren’t necessarily reasons to hate the character themselves. They’re more or less internal obstacles put there to be overcome in order to portray character growth. Of course spending an exaggerated amount of time with these characters without seeing them overcome particular shortcomings is frustrating it does not necessarily mean they will never be redeemed or developed and are/were deserving of hate.

 Except for Gabriel. That creature belongs behind bars.

 Most of Adrien’s flaws come from his toxic home situation:

The Miraculous Wiki puts Adrien at fifteen. Meaning Adrien has only been actively leaving the house (for public school and the occasional social get-together) for about a year. His fourteenth birthday was one of the earliest episodes and im assuming his fifteenth birthday happened off screen between the s3 finale and the new york special.

Regardless the majority of his life was spent in isolation and his only company was his immediate family, Nathalie, Felix and Chloe. None of whom are particularly good role models except for Emilie. Maybe.

He’s rather overworked for a 14 y.o. boy. On top of school, he has fencing, piano and Chinese lessons. This leaves him with very little time for himself. 

He lost his mother. In Feast, Adrien expresses Emilie was a source of joy in his life--”Only Mom can make me laugh like that.” Felix marked the one year anniversary of her disappearance.  Worse still, we’re led to assume all Adrien knows is that Emilie disappeared. Did she abandon him? Was she kidnapped and killed? He doesn’t know. He has no closure regarding her absence. 

On top of losing his mother, his only remaining parent is an emotionally manipulative and abusive prick. Gabriel has denied Adrien a birthday party, threatened to take Adrien out of school just because he can, never lets him have friends over for any reason, hardly ever makes time for Adrien and only once in a blue moon will actually sit and eat a meal with the poor kid.

And on top of all of this he’s not out of the woods yet. He’s still living with his abusive father. He’s still not allowed to see his friends outside of school much. He’s still got a packed schedule. He still doesn’t have closure regarding his mother’s “disappearance.”

Looking at it like this paints Adrien in a rather sympathetic light.

 Marinette doesn’t know Gabriel is Hawk Moth either, but she does understand Adrien is lonely, isolated and in need of a source of love and comfort. She also understands to some degree that his heart is delicate, so she constantly handles him with kid gloves and looks on him with a perfection filter. 

We see how Mari reacts to upsetting Adrien in Malediktator when she softly whispers an apology after Adrien expresses his sorrow over everyone celebrating Chloe’s departure. She’s seems pained and distraught over causing him to be upset. Thus the reason Marinette calls Adrien perfect isn’t that she never sees any of his flaws--she just cannot acknowledge or process them under these conditions. Shes too busy trying not to hurt him. She also has shown some signs of having extreme anxiety, which messes with ones head and makes it difficult--nearly impossible--to think straight. She wants to be the source of love and comfort he desires (and already is in a way) so his faults go unprocessed.

But what are Adrien’s flaws?

1. He has trouble standing up for himself. 

He’ll take a stand for others.

 He stood up to Chloe on Mylene’s behalf in Horrificator and on Marinette/ Cheng Sifu’s behalf in Kung Food. He stood up to Lila in Oni-chan and Ladybug. He stood up to Gabriel in Simon Says--but as Chat Noir, not Adrien. 

There have only been two-ish instances of Adrien, not Chat Noir, standing up for himself. I say -ish only because he was kinda standing up for Lila in the first and Chloe in the second. 

First in Volpina he stood up to Ladybug for how she handled the situation with Lila. He personally believed she handled the situation poorly (which she did--there were/are serious consequences for that. still) and although he was kinda wishy-washy in conveying that it was only because he was scared of sounding too much like Chat Noir. Her partner. Her chief-of-staff. Who can and will call her out on such behavior. 

Second in Malediktator, when he more or less told Marinette she was wrong to be happy about Chloe leaving. Granted this was partly him standing up for Chloe, but aside from her—he, Adrien, was deeply upset chloe was leaving on such bad terms and made sure Marinette understood that. 

Abused children tend to be somewhat submissive/agreeable/etc. They have trouble speaking out when they’re uncomfortable or don’t want something or think a particular action is wrong. Usually because they are anticipating some kind of punishment for speaking out or afraid of offending the other person to the point that said person wants nothing to do with them anymore, or both.

 For Adrien to fix this particular flaw, he needs to prioritize himself and his own wants more. However he also needs someone who doesn’t chastise him for doing things he likes, tending to his own needs and setting boundaries. Kagami is not that person--she’s actually quite demanding of him and cold. Her understanding of relationships isnt great either, which is why these two really aren’t that great for each other. 

2. He puts his faith in the wrong people

  Adrien’s fucking household is about as toxic as it can get (please don’t take this as a challenge, S4). On top of his immediate family consisting of his abusive, toxic, terrorist father, there’s his cousin Felix. Felix who squished cheese under Adrien’s pillow, stole his phone, pretended to be him and sent an outrageous and awful video to his friends. 

 There’s also his mother Emilie whom, despite his love and adoration of her, lied to him for who knows how long and messed around with a broken miraculous to the point it forced her into an indefinite coma and left Adrien at his father’s mercy. There are theories that she did this for her family but nothing concrete or canon has been proven--all we know is that Emilie had been having frequent dizzy spells while she was still awake and using the peacock miraculous, and that she anticipated her fate and Gabriel apparently promised to save her.

There’s Lila, as well. “She’s not dangerous. She just craves attention.” Wrong, Adrien, she’s very dangerous. She is conspiring with your father to spy on you, attempted to get Marinette expelled from school, tricked you into leaving Ladybug alone with a supervillain whom she personally requested to kill Ladybug, pinned Marinette against a bathroom wall and almost got her akumatized, actually got Marinette akumatized and nearly cost you both the Ladybug Miraculous and TIkki. She isn’t just dangerous she is an actual threat, whether or not she is the future Hawk Moth who sent Timetagger after you when you were children with time-sensitive powers. Adrien has a slightly better understanding of that after the events of Ladybug and Oni-chan, so hopefully he will be on his guard at least in regards to Lila.

 The reason for Adrien’s overly trusting nature may lie in the fact that literally everyone closest to him, everyone for the first thirteen years or so, was toxic and/or a liar. You know what happens when you can’t trust anyone around you? You live with it. You accept all these bad people as they are, without making any effort to establish healthy boundaries. Adrien certainly lived with it--how’s an abused, isolated boxed-and-sheltered son supposed to know what healthy boundaries are when he’s lacking any healthy connections? I bet he can just barely endure all the anguish but he can’t stand to be alone so he just tolerates it. Not to mention the most guilty is his father. Where else is he supposed to go?

Like a frog sitting in a pot of water, you don’t realize you’re in trouble until the water is too hot. So you just accept it--all the bad feelings--you accept it, live with it and it still hurts but you rarely complain. Because anything is better than being alone. 

I think Adrien understands, deep down, that the love he is clinging to, the love provided by his relatives, isn’t really there. But if he looks at it too long and lets this knowledge sink in he’ll lose it. He really did lose it in Chat Blanc-- just that sky-crashing-down-on-him realization that he didn’t have his fathers love, hadn’t had it for a long time, just completely ruined our boy. 

 Of course the knowledge is there. It’s literally right there in front of his face and it’s only a matter of time before he is forced to turn and look and face the music. At which point I hope Marinette knows who he is and has a plan to save him otherwise Chat Blanc is just going to happen again. 

3. Yes, he takes the flirting too far sometimes

No--that doesn’t make him toxic.

Yes, Adrien overreacted to Ladybug never showing up in Glaciator. He shouldn’t have been upset with her in Frozen for not accepting the rose. He should have told her the damn truth about being forced to leave the city at the same time she was in the New York special. 

 However, he also apologized for overreacting in both Glaciator and Frozen. And again, abused kids live in anticipation of punishment for their mistakes. Adrien’s father has taught him that the slightest mistake can result in loss of freedom or trust, even if its circumstances beyond his control. And he now understands that Ladybug isn’t going to blindly punish him for being honest with her, which he now knows to do. 

 He makes mistakes, apologizes for them, and learns from them. That’s not fucking toxic--it’s natural, human and allowed. 

 He’s flirty and suggestive, yes, but the minute she signals she doesn’t want it or isn’t feeling it he stops. He has had immense trouble with not flirting with her, despite her telling him she isn’t interested multiple times. That much is true. But he truly and deeply cares for her and he would never force himself on her and it isn’t because he knows she’ll kick his ass if he does. It’s because unlike the vast majority of his family, he’s actually a decent human being. 

 He has even begun to “flirt platonically,” toasting their partnership and friendship rather than offering a romantic relationship she can never say yes to. If that isn’t the most soft and respectful fluff I don’t know what is.

 4. He is leading Kagami on

Did he cheat? I’m actually not sure. Thomas is being vague in his tweets and won’t give us a decent answer (because he likes “watching fandom burn”--i mean MOOD but clarify please). 

 Here’s what we know and have observed: 1. Chat Noir told Ladybug “I have a girlfriend” 2. He immediately followed that up with “It’s not good at all. I just said that to make you jealous”  3. He allowed Kagami to kiss him in the new york special 4. but he has trouble telling girls not to touch him--been a problem since episode one. Yes its generally cheek kisses chloe gives him but sometimes its not and he looked downright uncomfortable in a lot of cases of physical contact with her and with Lila 5. he seemed rather comfortable with kagami kissing him--except he did say no to her kissing him in the finale 6. but he’s also trying to move on from Ladybug and be with Kagami  7. If he were in a relationship with Kagami, he’d likely keep it a secret because both of their parents are controlling of them and may not allow it 8. His understanding of relationships and girls is kinda dreadful due to not having his mom around for advice and his father’s general lack of a concept of what healthy romantic relationships and boundaries are, and, as Nino put it, not being able to understand signals very well

Adrien’s current relationship status is up in the air. I’m about eighty percent certain he’s dating Kagami--but there’s still that twenty percent chance he’s not.

 Putting aside the question of whether or not he and Kagami are official, Adrien’s been attempting to move past his feelings for Ladybug. Which--won’t sugarcoat it--he kinda sucks at. At the same time, Kagami is aware he is in love with another but lacks the understanding that his moving on will take time. 

 The main issues here is that Adrien knows who he wants but can’t have her. Kagami is a wonderful person herself and he wants to get to know her better, but they aren’t really a good match and they are both going to get hurt in the end (Love Victor anyone???). Until that happens we are going to have some questionable moments in the show, and we just need to remember that Adrien is a child with a poor understanding of relationships, and not an evil person. Kagami doesn’t necessarily have a great understanding of them either--”Your indecision hurts me Adrien,” “Adrien you and I are perfect for each other!”--and she has flaws of her own she needs to unlearn. 

 For the time being, Adrien is leading Kagami on (it needs to be said--even if they aren’t dating he’s flirted with her, given her roses etc.) I say leading her on because, no matter how much Adrien believes Marinette is just a friend and they weren’t flirting in New York, loyal boyfriends who wish to be monogamous don’t dance with other women.

 Or look this happy when that other woman touches them

Does this make Adrien a deceitful and hateful character? No. Does this make him an unworthy character? No. It makes him an abused child with little to no concept of healthy relationships. 

Also Adrien’s friends, including Marinette, have no reason to believe he is dating Kagami. They know he is interested in her and she in him, but as Nino said, Adrien has a hard time picking up signals and understanding their meaning. Not to mention the boy is fifteen. Flirting skills, understanding boundaries, and other relationship concepts are a challenge even for ordinary fifteen year olds in healthy environments to grasp--case in point: Marinette.

Adrigami and Lukanette are simply not going to end well. The Love Square is the endgame and ultimately both Lukanette and Adrigami are going to fall apart to make that happen--I knew that going into the possible Adrigami and Lukanette  territory that the finale created.

 Kagami is a strong, intelligent person--she’s likely going to be the one to end it given what we’ve seen. I don’t like to think about what might happen then--she may be akumatized and Chat Noir would feel rather guilty and may not be able to fight her. But they will both come out of it with something they needed--Kagami will understand (as Marinette needs to) that Adrien isn’t her perfect soul mate incapable of making mistakes. Adrien will understand relationships better. 

 Its unfortunate that this has to happen in order for Adrien to learn due lessons, given that he actually does have someone who can talk to him about girls and relationships and loyalty: Nino.

 Given what Nino wasted no time in scolding Mari for spying on Adrien and Lila when she confessed doing so in Chameleon, as well as how he treats Alya, I undoubtedly believe Nino would be the one to come out and say “You can’t dance with Marinette when you’re with Kagami.” 

 Assuming he is with Kagami. 

In conclusion: Adrien is flawed but not deserving of hate. He is a traumatuzed child stuck in a toxic household who lacks proper mentors. Marinette, Alya and Nino are out of the loop about his potential relationship with Kagami. And Marinette and Kagami both need to acknowledge Adrien is imperfect. Nino and Adrien need to do guy talk like two seasons ago. 

Also Marinette probably has some intense anxiety issues. But more on that later.

[dnfshield]

okay im posting my first and most important syndicate!dream propaganda !! if people are interested ill def post the rest

and because I'm delusional all of this hinges on that I want dream to actually be upset and brocken 💔🥀 and desperately needing help and not wanting to let anyone help him because connections bad blah blah but I know cc dream doesn't have the range and is also a coward so I have to do everything for him 

its under a read more bc its 1.4k words lmao

I think it takes dream a while to process being out of prison even though he should be taking advantage of his new freedom and new space. he spends a lot of time in his room just laying in his blankets or curled up under his bed or memorizing all the shelves of stuff techno left in the spare room. And philza and techno silently agree to make sure dream is getting socialization - knowing that he desperately needs the connection but is unsure how to go back to being ALLOWED to be around others. So they take turns going to his room at night and just finding literally anything to do in his presence. Phil likes to read the old books techno left in there. And when he sees dream peeking over he'll mutter something about how ""reading it out helps me think"" and will quietly read allowed to dream. Or he'll go sit at the desk with a creaky chair and write letters to the woman he loves, gushing over memories and sharing snippets of stories to dream. Phil sits there with a dopey smile and blushy cheeks and dream sits there letting his words sink in - knowing too late that he should never have convinced himself that pushing everyone he loved would somehow save him. 

Technos more pacey- he likes to go in there and ""reorganize"" the miscellaneous objects he left in what was supposed to be a storage space turned bedroom. Sometimes it's stacks of pages ripped from old journals sometimes it's failed blueprints and plans sometimes it's old potion bottles that definitely got left a little too long and should NOT be opened - but whatever it is techno will grab it and ramble on about what he was thinking what he was planning why it didn't work and scramble to find an excuse as to why he's chosen to hoard whatever the object is rather than throw it away like a normal person. But dream just sits there and listens and asks questions or asks to hold whatever it is - honestly whatever he can do to keep techno from going to bed and leaving him in his room alone. 

Lol okay the actual real important one that started all this is that dream eventually starts outwardly showing signs of distress when alone. At first he reeled when others would try to be around him. He still dealt with the conditioning of never being allowed to have regular visitors and being told everyone he ever knew wanted him dead. But once he realized Phil and techno were not only safe to be around but were happy to be around him he couldn't get enough of them. Dream lingers in the kitchen while philza cooks them all breakfast. He follows techno around while he haphazardly goes through chests looking for a specific enchanting book. He cracks his window so he can hear techno and philza laughing together while they sharpen their weapons on the porch :*) . And on especially bad days where something reminds him of the scorching lava flow or he gets turned around in a space too suffocatingly small he waits up because he knows philza or techno will come and wait with him at night. 

And it's the evening that sam knocks on their door that sends dream into overdrive. The second techno opens the door and philzas eyes fall on Sam's armour Phil places a gentle hand on dreams back and ushers him to his room. Techno stands with his frame in the door physically keeping a barrier in-between sam and their home and eventually gets Sam to begrudgingly leave. But when philza goes to check on dream before bed it's obvious dream sat there listening to techno and Sam yell and threaten each other over his life. So Phil skips whatever ploy to keep dream company that he had planned and just sits on his bed with him. He doesn't even say anything besides the classic "it's alright please don't be scared" and "he's not taking you away from here" and "you're safe here, with us, you're safe with me and techno" and blah blah and with every passing whisper dream just drifts closer and lets philza be there with him and philza let's dream lean against him because he knows how badly dream needs the comfort and he's more than happy to be there for him ( -sobs- can philza become a better dad in canon we could've have had it all ) . God okay and finally the important part all of this had been leading up to 

And after sitting there and letting dream lean on his shoulder and dodging dreams pleas to tell him how techno got sam off their property dream eventually quiets down. Every time dream stirs to break the silence philza squeezes his arm and let's him settle closer. Dream can barely keep his eyes open but when Phil tries to say goodnight and shift to stand up dreams eyes shoot open and asks if Phil's actually going to leave for the night because a million things are running through his mind. What if Sam only left to not cause a scene and plans to return after the others go to bed and take him with no one there to protect him. What if Sam only left to tell everyone where he is and return with a mob filled with the people dream himself made hate him. What if techno made a deal with sam - to return with diamonds or precious items in exchange to step aside and let dream he hauled away. But Phil only smiles softly and tells him that he's just gonna move to a new spot and dream just sits there and watches Phil settle at the headboard. Dreams eyes follow Phil's hand as he pats his stomach to becken dream to come lay down. Like okay guys please hear me out so dream settles with his head on philzas stomach kinda surrounded by Phil's legs like a little nest :-( while Phil just tells dream to relax and get some sleep. Phil's hand is a weight on his back and dreams just kinda melts. And as dream finally let's himself wind down he thanks Phil for being there with him. philza takes in a breath and whispers "of course" and after a silent beat as if saying it out loud would bring him back in time he tells dream "me and wilbur used to do this when he was younger"

And dream just tells him that he's sorry and that if he "could go back and change it he'd give anything, sorry for letting it go so far with wilbur" and philza tells him that he "knows wilbur is sorry too" and he knows how mentally unwell wilbur got and that he "wished he'd checked up after the letters stopped sooner" and dream doesn't want philzas to blame himself there's nothing he could have done to stop what wilbur and dream had started between each other but there's nothing dream could say to make philza understand that. So he just tangles a fist in philzas shirt and hopes a "none of this is your fault" in an exasperated voice will convey that enough. He gives philzas one more thank you for being here and with philzas hand tracing little movements on his back dream finally feels safe enough to drift off. Lol lol lol ooooooo okay

:*) Loool what if techno used to have a weekly routine of weapon care like just keeping them clean and sharpened and polished. but after he rescues dream from his isolation and torment from quackity, technos sitting in the living room and goes to grab his axe and dream starts panicking and immediately goes to apologizing and begging techno to tell him what he did wrong and promises he'll try better next time (even tho he didn't do anything :-( ) and techno does his best to assure him he didn't do anything, that he's doing perfectly fine and even if something came up his first instinct would not in fact be to pull an axe out on him and techno puts his stuff away and they just sit together :-( after philza gets home he and techno talk and agree it would be best they keep the weapons out of site unless it's absolutely necessary.

theyre sitting like this L

[saberspirit]

jiang cheng character analysis essay under the cut! bc he means a Lot to me (its 5 pages im sorry)

tl;dr my thoughts on his relationship to his parents, his relationship with anger and feelings of inferiority, what zidian represents to him, his siblings (largely about what led to him and wwx falling out), and my thoughts on reconciliation between him and wei wuxian in the end.

tw!!! for child abuse and death, also warning for spoilers for the ending. 

alternatively can be read on google docs for accessibility

foreword: by writing this it is not my intention to imply this is the end all be all interpretation, or that i know more than fans of colour (especially chinese/chinese-american fans). i’m looking at his character as a white fan and through a western lens. i understand there are nuances i wont understand, but i have tried and continue to look at him w/ an educated view point and i’m always trying to continue my own self-driven education. i’m as always open to criticism and correction, although i understand it is no ones job to do so. it’s purely an interpretation from someone relating to his themes that i talk about here. thank you for reading! 

Jiang Cheng has a very complicated relationship with his parents (understatement), though different from Wei Wuxian’s complicated relationship w/ them (some overlaps being given).

It’s obvious to me that JC identifies more as his mother's son than his father's—feels he has to be because surely that’s why he feels neglected and like he’s constantly being found wanting by his father (even if Fengmian does Not mean to come across that way and isn’t a cruel man). He identifies with his mother’s anger and feeling of not being what his father truly wanted or loved and I don’t think he realized the effect she had on him with her constant comparison game—trying to measure him up because Madam Yu used him as a playing piece in her constant warring with Fengmian and instilled a sense of otherness in him and his deep-rooted feelings of inferiority and not being Good enough, not being enough in general. And yet he still deeply loves them even through all that he’s been through because of them both.

He never grew up learning how love should be in a relationship; should be from a parent to a child. The love he learned is a different type of conditional love from WWX's (WWX being that he doesn’t trust it in the first place, knowing it will leave). JC receives love and praise but knows it comes from a silent arrangement: it’s transactional. He upholds what his parents want and he gets…a form of it. Jiang Fengmian loved him in a way that you just kind of do love family, perhaps without a real reason otherwise—not pretty, but it is as it is. Madam Yu loved him in a way one loves a possession: she saw too much of Jiang Fengmian in him and JC was a reminder of how unhappy she was and how much her husband didn’t seem to care about her or what she gave him. (This isn’t to downplay Yanli's role in JC’s life: I think she was truly the only one to show him unconditional love in a way that he understood and recognized but it's unfortunately different from siblings and fell on half-deaf ears when all JC really wanted was his father’s approval).

Madam Yu was (afaik) stated to not be physically abusive (aside from the whipping when the Wens came from Wei Wuxian), but she was one-hundred percent verbally and emotionally abusive (for example, punishing WWX w/ isolation from the family w/ seclusion, or in general just how she talked to JC and WWX). She broke those two boys and it's something that can’t be undone…and Zidian represents that trauma, abuse, and expectation and JC’s anger and resentment that was the product of it. It’s literally lightning in a whip form; able to bind without harm, but it’s primarily used to hurt; it can reveal a true form; control over it is only relinquished to one’s family and loved ones.

JC doesn’t just lash out verbally at Wei Wuxian when they meet in his second life, he literally does. It’s his anger under his skin like static, driving him forward and being unable to rest because he’s constantly looking for closure he can’t have. He resents how his parents and Wei Wuxian made him feel but it’s also the only thing he has of them, and he clings to that (and therefore Zidian). It’s the last thing, bar Lotus Pier, that he has of his family anymore, and he wields it like a weapon…because ultimately it’s the only thing he's known for a very long time. Anger is an easy emotion. He wears it well. It was an emotion he learned from his mother, and he is his mother’s son.

As a side note for Zidian: Jin Ling refusing to take it from JC in the Burial Mounds to me was very much about not wanting a goodbye. He's a stubborn kid—JC mirrored what his mother did to him in handing off Zidian before certain death, and I think Jin Ling realized "take care of Zidian" meant "because I can’t anymore". JC wanted Jin Ling to stay safe and keep a hold on their family's legacy, but Jin Ling refused it and stepped forward to protect JC—JL is tired of goodbyes and afraid of losing more people, but also that stubborn streak to protect his family back. He went into the fray himself even if it’s not what JC was asking him to do (but then to JC’s chagrin the kid never really does do what he asks usually, Jin Ling has a good head on his shoulders and he’s as stubborn and quick to anger as his jiujiu but he’s also as incredibly loyal and caring). And I think it's a good vehicle to show that JL is breaking that cycle for them both.

Back to Jiang Cheng and anger and his siblings though. Yanli is all about showing affection in her words and actions (ie. meal sharing, peeling the lotus seeds, etc). WWX struggles to show it in forthright actions, let alone verbalize it (he’s truly bad at it) so while WWX does love his brother and shows it in actions like giving him his golden core…it’s not something JC picks up on well, or at all because he doesn’t even get told about the core until the Guanyin Temple. Jiang Cheng is someone who needs verbalized confirmation and very obvious action. But then to be fair, JC is also not good at verbalizing his love and care (he and Wei Wuxian are two peas in a pod w/ this one). It’s often behind barbed wire because 1) that’s how it was shown to him and 2) because it’s safer and easier to hide behind anger. He really does use it as a shield to protect his real feelings because he’s used to his feelings being trivial and being thrown in his face, and is used to loss. It’s a buffer.

This leads to a problem: Wei Wuxian does love him unconditionally, but I don’t think JC knows that. When he’s faced with the golden core surgery after everything, it’s definitely obvious, but it’s so twisted up in being hidden from him, in his own fears and feelings of failure and reliance that it’s soured. And he struggles to reach out and be frank with his own worries.

And this leads and lends to the severity of their falling out (not the only cause, but a big player in it).

He deeply loves his brother, but it's also entrenched in his bitterness and fears. If it was initially hard for him to verbalize because of those issues (on top of being a teenager/young adult and his feelings of inferiority irt WWX), he’s now in the current day steeped in sixteen years of loss/grief/trauma. Of unresolved tension between the two of them because WWX never told anyone anything—even if that’s just how he is, nothing personal towards JC except maybe that it’s his little brother, his shidi, and he doesn’t want to put a burden on those he loves—and JC tried time and time again to believe him and in him.

The problem was that his trust got thrown in his face time and time again. His older ‘peers’ (clan leaders) mocked and insulted him to his face for his naivety, pointed out that what WWX was doing was an insult to JC and their family, that WWX’s actions disrespected him and that he should do something about it. WWX’s actions themselves alongside him never letting JC in on anything further isolated them and put walls between them. This sewed the seed of the idea for JC that maybe he was naive. That WWX couldn’t uphold his duty and promises to JC and their family while also upkeeping his own personal code of ethics. (Not that it helped that Jiang Cheng also started lashing out at Wei Wuxian in minor ways for not having Suibian, but he didn’t exactly know why, to his credit).

His trust was him trying to care for WWX through all they’ve lost, but he’s also under the immense pressure of leading and rebuilding his home while also being looked down upon for his inexperience and ties to the man the cultivation world loathes.

Jiang Cheng believed WWX when he said he'd help him, wanted him to and expected him to. That’s his big brother and ultimately family comes first, so it was out of the question that WXX wouldn’t uphold that duty to him. Jiang Cheng is barely an adult as Sect Leader and was still a teen when they lost everything, so of course he wanted to rely on and believe Wei Wuxian when he said he'd help. JC doesn’t usually rely on others—I’d wager he hates relying on WWX especially as a callback to the inferiority complex—but he lets WWX in when they have the “Twin Prides” talk, lets him in when he promises JC to help him rebuild their home…and then WWX lets him down several times.

Post Burial Mounds there are signs that JC notices, if not consciously then subconsciously, that something is off with his brother (the demonic cultivation, the flute, the lack of Suibian, his weakness when pushed, etc), little things that he noted but didn’t have the time during a War to think too deeply on. He’s more relieved to just have him back where he can see him, happy that his brother can help them. Jiang Cheng gives him his vote of confidence in his abilities, in him, because he never thought of WWX or his methods badly (having been a fan until it became a symbol of losing Wei Wuxian to Something Else). Even if he had thought something of it, did have a concern, they don’t easily talk to each other now.

That much is obvious when after various meetings post the Sunshot Campaign as WWX is struggling with his temperament and resentful energy, after WWX saves the Wen remnants from the Jin Clan, and Jiang Cheng shows up at the Burial Mounds. He still believes in Wei Wuxian, still is bound to help him, and wants to help him. He’s willing to sacrifice the Wens for his brother. His actions and words are not pretty, but by god is he desperate. Jiang Cheng wants to save him and hides it with harsh words because once again he’s not good at being forthright with his feelings. He’s at his wits’ end, he’s barely 20, and suddenly he's losing Wei Wuxian too. It’s not about them being Wens because at this point he’s aware they’re helpless—it’s because it’s WWX and he’s supposed to make the right decision and be competent. It’s freshly post-war and he’s scared: his big brother is leaving and he feels powerless and he Hates that. Once again feels like he’s not good enough. Not good enough to save WWX, not good enough to lead, and he’s under intense scrutiny. He tells WWX as much that at this point he can’t help, and it hurts him to not be able to. Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to help him, help him. It’s an admittance wrapped in hurt and hurtful words, and WWX throws it in his face because he can’t let him in.

It’s not meant in any malicious way. Wei Wuxian is also traumatized, scared and hurting and dealing with the changes demonic cultivation is causing within him. But this is a key moment when JC for once verbalizes his fears and WWX tells him, ‘good, you don’t need to worry, I don’t have anything to do with you from now on’. (And of course, WWX is doing this to protect JC, but this response is what JC is afraid of).

So we have two times that JC has tried really hard in his own ways to let WWX in. To rely on him and be honest with him and WWX ends up…breaking his promises and leaving him and their family behind. And to me, that explains his actions when the last time they speak before he dies (that we’re shown anyways). WWX is sitting down with Jiang Cheng and Yanli. JC is the one that set up them being able to meet him, the one that reached out even after they fought to make his defecting from the Sect look convincing. He was the one that told Yanli that WWX should be the one to give a courtesy name to her child.

And then WWX brings Wen Ning. Yanli is open to Wen Ning sitting in and enjoying their family tradition, but JC can't understand why. Why WWX chose these people over his own family. He resents it. When he says "you might not be able to come back, to your family" I can imagine how much it destroys him to hear WWX say "but the people I’m returning to are also my family". Because what does that make them, WWX’s siblings; what does that make the promises and the years spent raised together, the duty he had to them first. Wei Wuxian might return to the Burial Mounds, but Jiang Cheng has to return to an empty Lotus Pier. The ghosts of his parents and ghosts of memories of his siblings he’s never getting back (because Yanli will be in Jinlin Tai after her upcoming wedding).

Repeatedly over and over Jiang Cheng reaches out, but time and time again it’s like WWX is telling him he’s not enough: not enough for WWX to rely on, not enough to protect him, not enough for him to want to return to, not enough to be family.

Then the cultivation world comes for WWX and his amulet. Yanli is killed, as far as JC can tell, because of the mess WWX made, and once again he’s in the dark about everything. Then WWX dies and rumours swirl that JC killed him, and maybe he did, maybe he is his brother’s killer even if Wei Wuxian would call it a misunderstanding. He’s left alone with an orphaned nephew in Lotus Pier with his entire family, bar an infant, dead.

So Jiang Cheng spends the next sixteen years without answers, with WWX having reinforced his insecurities and fears that stemmed from the abuse he'd suffered during childhood and then died. Yanli died when she never should’ve been in danger in the first place, seemingly because of Wei Wuxian. And he's so angry. He lashes out at memories and reminders, lashes out at anyone who chooses that same path that WWX chose over his family.

By the time Wei Wuxian’s come back from the dead and JC knows it’s him, WWX is still deflecting, still hiding still not telling him the truth. The fact that WWX comes back at all hurts purely as a fresh opening of the old wound, but the fact that he doesn’t come to find JC, that once again JC and his family isn’t a priority and once again is second best (this time to Lan Wangji)?

He doesn’t kill his brother. JC sits him down in a room and tries to talk but old hurts rile up and he reaches for anger again. WWX isn’t forthright and it makes it worse, neither of them are good at communicating: too many things unsaid, that can’t be said, too many misunderstandings and neither of them knowing how to talk about it. JC has Fairy there and it’s a minor act of revenge. JC uses what he knows is WWX’s weakness to intimidate and immobilize him, but it doesn’t help either of them actually talk.

Reconciliation is going to require WWX being able to talk to him without deflecting and JC getting angry so easily. But by this point, he’s given WWX a lot of chances and it’s why I think they could and would easily post-canon. Jiang Cheng's starting to come to an understanding that WWX did and still does care about him. He didn’t give him his golden core for no reason, and JC starts to understand why WWX did it for him and that he knew JC well enough to hide it in the first place.

He started to reach that conclusion shortly after Wen Ning told him—oh the pain of it having been WWX's chosen little brother figure—and Jiang Cheng had gone around asking people to unsheathe Suibian. It's why he brought Chenqing to the temple in the first place.

I think it speaks to his maturity that he decided at that moment he couldn’t say what he wanted to tell WWX in the end. I think he knew neither of them was ready, but I also think it speaks of how much he misses and trusts WWX to have let him go for now…I think he knows they will meet again as long as they both live, and that they'll be better for having waited. After some time to think, digest, they’ll be ready to be family again and all that entails.

[flowerslightning]

(Part 2) Cloud Strife and his Mental Illness

a.k.a Psychiatric Disorder

| 1. Memory | ⇦ Click if u havent read it yet

2. Hallucinations, Illusions and Delusions

Since these three things relate well with Cloud's troubled memories, I'll be talking about them first before jumping to his Confused Personality

This post will bore u a bit or maybe a lot 😂 it depends. If ure interested with psychiatric stuff, u'll find this enjoyable as much as i do

Disclaimer : I'm 21 and still a tiny meany student. During my intern at Psychiatric Department, I learned and witnessed psychiatric problems from real life patients. And since Cloud (my fav FF character) has psychiatric issues, I'll be sharing some of my knowledge and interpretation of Cloud's character. Im not diagnosing him, rather i'm giving my own opinion about his status

@nibelheiim created a post about dissociation, she explained about hallucination, PTSD and more. Come and check her out! Her words were more direct and easier to understand. She explained about Psychological matter and she's a real psychology student too!

While my explanation will be more focusing on Psychiatric Topic and words used will be more complicated (with grammar errors). My facts will be based on ICD 10 and DSM-IV

A lot of people were confused with these three terms - Hallucination Illusion Delusion - These terms associated with abnormalities of perception. It is important to understand that this abnormality holds two keys; ● 1. Perception is the process of becoming aware of what is presented through the sense organs. ● 2. Imagery is an experience originating within the mind that usually lacks the sense of reality that is part of perception.

Abnormalities of perceptions have 4 theme, but I'll be focusing on two major types that relate with Cloud: (i) Hallucinations ; (ii) Illusions. Some cases, perception can be normal in intensity and quality but has a changed meaning for the person who experiences it - it is called as Delusional Perception. It is not an abnormal of perceptions, rather it is a disorder of a person's thinking.

Try guessing, how many from these terms does Cloud has?

1. Hallucinations

- A perception experienced in the absence of external stimulus to the corresponding sense organ. Eg - patient hears a voice when no one is speaking within a hearing distance or patient sees something approaching him when visually no one is there. There are 2 qualities to determine a hallucination: ●it is experienced as a true perception●it seems to come from outside of the head●

The above gif, where Sephiroth suddenly appear again before Cloud's eyes even able to touch Aerith's shoulder, it illustrate perfectly the 'Visual Hallucination'. No one can see Sephiroth, other than Cloud himself.

Cloud [Remake] kinda had anxiety when he stared at the fire and later he saw Sephiroth surrounded with flames, then poof, that silver guy disappeared along with the images of fire. He said he was hallucinating stuff after the first bombing mission. Idk how Sephiroth could create fake images of fire around him, either Cloud was really hallucinating or it was really Sephiroth that came to see him. But, this is what we call as 'Visual and Auditory Hallucinations'. Cloud SAW Sephiroth and HEARD him talking when no one else did. I can also add in 'Tactile Hallucination' because he probably felt the burning sensation on his skin from the flame around him that caused him to feel hot and sweating, or probably it was his anxiety that caused him sweating upon meeting Sephiroth with the flashback of his burning hometown

Hallucinations can occur in all sensory modalities; visual, olfactory, auditory etc. In the Remake, the Whispers could only be seen by certain people. To those who couldnt see it, they would be puzzled what was happening to u, and would've thought that u were hallucinating something, like in the case of Aerith.

In Cloud's case, perhaps Cloud [In OG] had auditory hallucination due to his severe case of Mako Addiction. But then, that wasnt exactly a hallucination though, cuz the thing he said "'Coming.. They're coming" was actually true. A monster fell from the sky.

Other 'hallucinations' that Cloud had was the images of Sephiroth that appeared in certain headache. Cloud may claimed it was his hallucinations, but i've read it somewhere that says it was really Sephiroth appeared before his eyes. Sephiroth was messing with Cloud's mind, trying to break his mental in order to control him. However, IF IT WASNT SEPHIROTH that came, Cloud's 'hallucination' would be known as a mental disorder that may lead to severe case - eg Schizophrenia.

2. Illusions

An illusion is a misperception of an external stimulus. It often occur in several circumstances: (i)level of sensory stimulation reduced (ii)attention is not focused on the sensory modality (iii)level of consciousness reduced (iv)being in a state of intense emotion- fear.

Does Cloud has it? Urm, maybe? Well, it can be proven when he saw his 'noisy neighbour next door' as Sephiroth. As stated above, illusions occur in 4 conditions, and Cloud was in number (i) and (iv). When Tifa yelled him to stop, Cloud came back to reality and got really confused when the 'Sephiroth' that attacked him was actually a sick guy. We can also add in 'Hallucinations of Deep sensation' in this scenario bcause Cloud experienced the feelings of being pushed down by 'Sephiroth'.

However, we all know that 'Sephiroth' was real at that moment. For Cloud, he thought it was an illusion, but for us the audience, it was a real thing.

If u want a better explanation and example, try watching Joker the movie. The main theme of the movie was 'mental illness'. There are lots of scenes that shows different type of hallucinations, illusions and also personality disorder.

3. Delusions

a.k.a fixed false belief. A belief that is held firmly despite evidence contrary. A delusion is nearly always a false belief but not always so. There are around 11 types of delusions according to the book. Half of it may suggest Shcizophrenia. Schizophrenia is certainly not in Cloud's case. I've studied one by one the type of delusions and none of them match with Cloud FF7.

I will surely give anyone a good punch in the face if they dare to say Cloud suffers from Schizophrenia. I've met with bunch of patients having it, and the way they see this world is totally different from us.

In some other cases, eg a spiritualist convince a person to believe in his spiritualism and he present with contrary evidence to the non-believer. This non-delusional belief is called 'overvalued ideas'

Overvalued ideas is an isolated , preoccupying and strongly held belief that dominates a person's life and may affect his action. One of the easiest example i can come up with; a friend who had skin cancer may be convinced to her roomate that cancer is contagious, and her roomate suspects any abnormal skin conditions she has is an evidence to show she too, may have developed the same cancer, when the truth is, she's just completely fine.

It is very hard to distinguish between a delusion and overvalued ideas.

I had a patient, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He looked like an ordinary man, but when he talked, it sounded so unreal. He said he had jumped off from 10th floor several times and didnt get a scratch from it. He believed he wont die bcause he had gained super power. He even convinced me to try his 'so-called-secret technique- on how to survive a jump. By doing that often, I will have a superpower like him - a strong physical body. Up until now, I still dont know if he was being deluded with his thought or he was overvalued his idea, bcause from his psychiatric record, he did try to jump off from the second floor of his apartment's balcony a few times.

So, Im not really sure of myself did Cloud [FF7] really had delusion or not. Well, he believed he made it to SOLDIER bcause he had mako eyes. But was it something we called as delusion or was he just overvaluing his idea? He didnt know the truth and his memory messed up. No one could explain to him why he had Mako eyes, except Prof Hojo and Zack who knew the truth

Besides, after Tifa helped with his memory, Cloud accepted the fact he wasnt in SOLDIER. For patient who deluded with their own thoughts, they hardly could believe what people told him.

However, surely Cloud [in AC] had delusions of guilt and worthlessness due to the fact that he believed he had done something shameful and sinful - the main trigger of this theme was, he got infected with Geostigma while he was searching a cure for Denzel. Cloud got depressed with the loss of Aerith and the memory of Zack death had returned, but I think he was recovering very well in that two years time skip. The moment he got Geostigma, he became deluded he was worthless and his depression kicked in again.

Hallucinations and Illusions are normal to be experienced by healthy people, but it wont be if u encounter too many hallucinations & illusions in 2 weeks time. Believe it or not, a lot of people around us are actually mentally ill bcause some of them may have excessive certain delusions, such as delusions of jealousy, grandiose delusions, nihilistic, paranoid etc. Although 'it is consider as normal' in a few circumstance, a few cases need to refer to psychologist and in severer cases, must refer to psychiatrist. If u follow Dr Phil's show, u'll see a bunch of patients have different kind of crazy delusions.

Overall from my statement above, I would conclude that since Sephiroth always appear before Cloud's eyes, this resulting Cloud to think he has both Hallucination and Illusion, when in fact, he's just a normal guy with amnesia and personality confusion. Cloud doesnt have Delusion like how many fans said, neither he has an overvalued idea, even with the evidence of Mako eyes supporting his reasoning + he's a great fighter. I will have to say that perhaps it is his brain defence mechanism that tricks his mind to believe he is a Soldier.

If only Sephiroth stop disturbing Cloud's life, it will be a lot faster to fix Cloud. Tifa alone will be the main strength to get Cloud back to normal. Ah, but this is the beauty of the game. Life wont be exciting without the presence of a beautiful villain and a love triangle (Tifa-Cloud-Sephiroth). Lol Technically I see them trying to fight for Cloud's mental health. Tifa wants to help Cloud with his mental status while Sephiroth is trying to destroy it. Lolololol

My crack theory : Sephiroth says he's going to take Cloud's most precious thing, and he ends up choosing to kill Aerith, but ofc there's another reason why Aerith got killed. But if Sephiroth kills Tifa first, I think he can take over Cloud's mind faster, because then, no one will be holding Cloud back. Honestly no one can ever will, not even Aerith. So does that mean Sephiroth doesnt know about Cloud's deepest secret or is Cloud just good at hiding his weakness?

I WILL UPDATE THE NEXT POST LATER because I've reached tumblr limit images agaiiin. The next part will be focusing about his personality - Personality Disorder

If there is any part that I've mistaken, pls correct me. I'm sorry for my english. English is not my native language, so there are plenty of grammar errors.

[sadsapphicslut]

chapter one - original story (i havent come up with a title yet lol)

okay so here it is!! if anyone actually reads this i love u :) please leave feedback if u have any!! 

TWs:

death, drugs, medication, mental illness, references to sex, swearing, alcohol

wordcount: 8.2k

(also i dont think anyone will but im paranoid of people stealing my writing so obligatory dont copy/post to another site or steal my work in any other ways etc)

There were five of us; 4 boys and me. In hindsight I realize from the outside our group probably seemed a little predatory, but it was never really like that. For the most part they were like brothers to me. Of course, being the only girl in a small and isolated club of mainly older boys, things were bound to happen. We were in high school and it was summer, can you blame me? Regardless, however much I loved them, it was not quite in the way my father always assumed or my mother always warned (during our uncomfortable monthly visitations before I managed to get rid of her for good).

The months everything went down, which I often referred to only as ‘The Worst Summer of My Life’, (quite melodramatically but not without reason) were somehow still full of the best moments of my life. Moments I often find myself wishing I could repeat, as nothing has or will ever come close to the way I felt, sitting amongst my boys day after day, somehow light as the warm July breeze that blew past us. My entire body weightless, as non-existent as the time that passed us by. Despite the depression I’d found myself plunged into during the days after my only brother’s death, I truly believe I will never again be as happy as I was then. Laughter seemed to flow freely from our mouths, smiles plastered onto our faces no matter the circumstances, content to just exist. I don’t think I can ever forget the day it was raining so hard the entire city was flooded, but we walked around uptown well past the point of being absolutely drenched, our clothes dripping so heavily the security guard denied us entry into the public library. Something about that day made me feel so free, like we were invisible. Completely apathetic to the whims of the real world, somehow existing only in our twisted minds and intertwined fantasies.

Maybe if I’d had my head screwed on a little tighter, or if we’d met under different circumstances, it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. I used to go down that line of thought every night before succumbing to a fitful but heavy sleep (under the direct affect of 25mg of Quetiapine, working to counteract my Concerta and Lexapro). Those types of irrational thoughts were ones my therapist deemed as my habit for rumination. In regard to the death of my brother she called it ‘bargaining’, one of the stages of grief. I never liked it when she spoke about those stages as I’ve always felt them to be wrong. Maybe because I never quite moved on to the final one, no matter how many years pass. ‘Acceptance’, coined as the “Re-entrance to reality”. Maybe it’s different since I was never really grounded to reality in the first place. I still wake up some mornings, thinking I’ve heard his voice in the other room, ready to beguile me with tales from his day of retail work. Other times I swear I’ve walked past him on the street. Some people may relate to my experiences, with reasonings of ghosts, angels, apparitions, or insanity, among many other causes for the apparent viewing of a loved one long gone to the other side. I never shared these beliefs, but I am not one to deny. Rather, I always take these instances as an omen. A warning. I have come to this conclusion not without evidence, at least circumstantial, given the many occasions over the years – and especially that summer – where I found my hypothesis to be true. All I can say is that I am glad I’ve never been met with the same chimerical visions of my mother; one can only hope that is because she ended up where she belonged. Maybe I’ll see her there, though I hope at the very least they could keep us in separate rooms of Hell if the situation does arise.

From what I know of the others now, which is admittedly not much – majorly due to my own neglect, as opposed to theirs – they share the same prescription for rose-coloured glasses as I. We always were too engrossed with our own romanticization of nostalgia and sentiment that it clouded our view. I often think this was one of the reasons we seemed to fit so well together. Not quite like puzzle pieces, too self-absorbed to hold a candle to that analogy, more like complimentary colours. I wish it could’ve stayed the way it was. We did try, and I never found myself able to fully disentangle myself from James, nor he could to I, but for most of us we could recognize an ending when one arises. I used to find myself using the word tragedy a lot while reminiscing, but I no longer think that word is appropriate. Fate is a more fitting term in my opinion, regardless of if one believes in it or not. “(A)n inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end,” as reported by Merriam Webster. I don’t think there’s a word in the entire English language more accurate in describing how everything ended up; and if there is, I am yet to find it.

  Chapter One

A Dead Brother

          I have tried to erase the day my brother died from my memory so many times I lost count decades ago. I still find the image seeping into my unconsciousness quite dreadfully on the nights I neglect to take my pills and catch myself waking up with a steady flow of tears that dampen my pillow along with the drool that always seems to pour from my sleeping mouth. The dread that pools in my stomach sometimes being heavy enough for me to lose my lunch. I frequently wonder how people managed to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault; the most painful lie I’ve ever been told and one that seemed to stream from people’s mouths as easily as the mini sandwiches laid in the living room of my brother’s wake were stuffed in. The worst part about being told it wasn’t my fault was how obviously one could tell they didn’t believe what they were saying either. His death was my fault; a fact so uncontestable I wanted to kill myself every time I was reminded of it.

           My therapist often tried to remind me that even if his death was “partially” (she always used the word partially, refusing to acknowledge the truth that his death was entirely my fault) my fault, there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. This was another lie I despised being told. There were a million ways I could have prevented his death or saved his life and yet, here we are, with him dead and me wishing everyday that I won’t wake up tomorrow. “Begonia,” she’d tell me – she was the only person who called me by my full name, I usually went by Nia, but a nickname felt too personal and I didn’t like her very much – “You mustn’t keep torturing yourself with these scenarios. He’s dead, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I am starting to wonder if you are going to let yourself move on. This isn’t healthy.” That was a line she liked to use a lot, “this isn’t healthy”. As if anything I do is.

           Barb, my therapist that is, liked to go over the details of my brother’s death a lot. She often called it a ‘trigger’, which is why she always seemed to want me to talk about it. “Trauma is a horrible thing, Begonia, and you must learn to move past it, process it. I can see you still haven’t managed to do that on your own, and that’s what I’m here for, to help you move on.” Barb was big on the idea of  “moving past trauma” and “learning to cope”, she often sounded like a broken record of a motivational speech. I found myself comparing her to school guidance councillors without realizing it, they were about equally as helpful (read: not helpful) in my opinion.

           Sometimes I blame my inability to forget and “move past” my brother’s death on the way Barb constantly brought it up and made me go through it. I never quite understood how that part of my therapy was supposed to help me. I asked her once, what good was it doing rehashing the worst day of my life?

           “Well, Begonia,” I hated the way she said my name, always so condescending and sour, like even the idea of me questioning her in any way was as impolite as shitting on her desk.

“You have to understand that I only want to help you. You seem to be unable to process your traumas on your own, which is why we need to go through these things. As you are aware, this PTSD,” she always left strange pauses after each letter, her slow tone grinding on my ears, “you have acquired has left you unable to function normally in daily life. I want you to get to a place where you can have a normal life (Ha!) and cope without these meetings. It’s what your brother would’ve wanted.” Barb liked to tell me what my brother would have wanted at least once every session. Putting aside the fact she knew next to nothing about him aside from the intimate details on how he died, I always thought it was an inappropriate thing to say as a psychologist specializing in grief counselling. It never particularly bothered me, I was reasonable enough to realize she was just trying to comfort me, but I never liked the phrase. “What your brother would’ve wanted.” What he would’ve wanted was to not die but we’re past that, aren’t we Barb, as you so often enjoyed telling me.  

I have always been quite averse to my diagnoses, ADHD at 14, Persistent Depressive Disorder at 15, PTSD at 16, issues with alcohol and drugs that landed me in rehab more than once. I’ve been on a concoction of different medications since I was 13, even before I was diagnosed with anything officially. Sertraline, Lexapro, Prozac, Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall, Quetiapine, Ambien, Zopiclone, a healthy mix of off brand and branded medications. Sleeping pills, antidepressants, stimulants. I can’t remember a time before monthly trips to the drug store and side effect surveys that I’m not sure if I ever told the truth on. It’s a wonder that people didn’t see a slew of addiction issues coming from a mile away.

I think I’ve always had the most contention with my PTSD diagnosis though, I hate it because I know it’s undeniably true. I wish it wasn’t because maybe that’d mean my brother was still alive, but he isn’t. And I’m left traumatized and bereaved. Sometimes it feels like it hurt me more than it ever did my mother or father. Maybe it did. I should feel selfish for saying that, but I can’t, because they didn’t have to look at him while the life left his body, praying to God for the ability to turn back time. See the moment his eyes glazed over, knowing I’d never get to hear his obnoxious laugh, or make fun of his dumb face ever again.

  ❈

             “Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.”

It was a cool evening in May, the end of spring brought with it the promise of summer and the air had the familiar aroma of daffodils and petrichor. I had decided to go to a party with my friend Faun, my dad having been out at his girlfriend’s place for the weekend and me having nothing better to do. I wasn’t one for partying, but I did like to get high, so I usually just hung around with the rest of the potheads and pill junkies until someone dragged me home or I fell asleep. That night Don, a friend of a friend of a friend, had brought coke and E and we were all determined to get as fucked up as possible. Faun only ended up doing one line before running into a bedroom with some guy whose name started with an M – was it Martin or Marvin? Maybe it was Mickey – and left me sitting on the couch beside a girl who was about 1 more shot of vodka away from passing out.

I had fully intended on doing some coke, but the E seemed to be hitting harder than I was used to. I was sure my Ritalin had worn off by then but maybe I was wrong. As I stood up to get a glass of water I nearly fell over and decided to sit back down. Turning to face Don, I tapped him on the shoulder trying to get his attention.

“What was in that molly?” I was vaguely aware of the way my words were slurring, but I felt weirdly energized. I was aware my heart was beating a little too fast, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I knew what ecstasy felt like, this was not nearly my first time doing it, but I felt really wrong.

           “Don!” He turned to look at me and I felt uneasy. His eyes looked a little crazed – not that out of the ordinary but given the circumstances I was worried – “What the fuck did you give me?” It felt like I’d done 5 lines of coke in the last 2 minutes and I knew that E had been spiked.

           Don’s face had an unmistakable expression of guilt written on it as he leaned down and whispered in my ear, his voice shaking, “I think it was cut with meth.” Fuck. My stomach dropped. I have to get out of here. I quickly shot up from the musty couch I was sat on, carefully holding onto Don’s shoulder so I didn’t fall, my legs still feeling unsteady. I opened my phone; the screen was too bright, and I had a hard time maneuvering it as I attempted to exit the house. Clicking the green Messages icon, I sent a text to Faun – e ws cut w meth im lesving – with shaky hands and burst out the door into the fresh air. I clicked my brother’s contact and pressed call.

           It rang four times before he picked up.

           “Nia? Why are you calling me it’s like 1am?” I could tell from the smooth tone of his voice he’d been drinking. He didn’t very often but he had an appreciation for cocktails and enjoyed getting buzzed now and then. He still was a year from being legal to drink but his friends we’re all 19 and 20 and bought alcohol for him. I found him fun when he got drunk, becoming talkative and giggly, but right now I wished so badly for him to be sober.

           “Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.” I was slurring, my voice a bit too pitchy to pass as anything but high. I knew he didn’t like it when I did this, but he never ratted me out. Sometimes I wish he did, maybe I never would’ve been able to go to that party in the first place.

           I could hear a door shutting on his end, I assumed he was going into a different room. “What’s wrong?” My skin was bubbling with anxiety at the prospect of having to tell him what I did.

           “Fuck, uh… I did something stupid. I’m at Emily Goguen’s, y’know up in Champlain Heights. Please pick me up.” I rarely used the word please.

“Nia, what the fuck did you do?” I almost started crying but I found my eyes to be bone dry.

“Please don’t yell.”

“Okay, really, tell me what is going on or I won’t come get you.”

“I accidentally took meth.”

“You what? What the fuck, Nia! Fuck this I’m on my way and I’m fucking telling Dad.” I cringed but I knew he was going to before I even called. The pit in my stomach grew deeper as the buzzing of my skin grew stronger. I could feel myself getting higher, everything was so clear and standing around was making me grow restless. Ray huffed on the phone and I heard him entering his car.

His tone was softer the next time he spoke. “I’ll be there in 5, just stay put, please. Do you want me to stay on the call or can I hang up?”

I felt like a child, which I was really, only 16 at the time, a whole life ahead of me. Still, I was grateful for the way he spoke to me, reminiscent of being 6 and getting a scrapped knee after falling off my pink Razor scooter. The high made me edgy, and my voice was sharp to my ears, “No, you can hang up.” I heard the click to indicate he’d done just that, and started pushing my cuticles as I waited, the task somehow greatly interesting me, and I did not realize until later I had managed to pick off all of the skin around my pointer and middle fingernails during the five-minute wait.

 Ray pulled up exactly five minutes later in his ugly, blue 2011 Ford Fiesta he’d gotten the year prior after passing his driving test. What I wouldn’t do now to smell the inside of that car once again, a distinct attar of pineapple car freshener and Old Spice deodorant mixed with stale black tea, faintly present due to his ever-growing collection of empty paper cups from various different fast foods and coffee shops.

I stumbled into the car, feeling the strong impulse to clean the space, but attempting to push it down. From the passenger side overhead mirror I could see my blown pupils and sweaty forehead, pieces of my copper red hair sticking to my face. My freckles were showing through my concealer that had mostly worn off and I wanted to cover them back up. My skin was pale from winter (and probably the drugs in my system) but my cheeks were flushed like I was drunk. My high cheekbones made my face look gaunt in the lighting, but my face was wide which balanced it out, so I didn’t look completely skeletal. Ray was looking at me, the worry apparent in his eyes, but his face was flushed as well, and I could tell he’d been drinking a bit too much to drive. I had my license as well, but it was clear I was in no condition to take over on that front, so I didn’t bother saying anything. I wish I had. There’s a lot of things I wish. I wish I hadn’t gone to that party; I wish I hadn’t taken that E; I wish I called someone else; I wish I waited it out at Emily’s; I wish I walked home; I wish I took a cab; I wish I waited for Faun; I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

“Are you okay?” He didn’t take his eyes off me as I shut the mirror in front of me.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine. Please just take me home.”

“Is Dad there?”

“No.”

“Maybe I should take you to Mom’s.”

“No!” I’d moved out of my mom’s completely just over 6 months ago, barely seeing her once a month. It was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. She never liked me much anyways, the feeling was entirely mutual. Ray seemed to have a close bond with her for some reason despite how she treated him like shit. I never called him out though, he no longer lived with her, so I didn’t really care what their relationship was as long as she wasn’t hurting him. She did treat him significantly better than me, however, so I figured maybe he managed to forgive her the way I never could.

“Okay, but I’m staying with you until Dad gets home. I’m not gonna lie to him about this shit. Fucking meth, Nia? Seriously?”

“It was in the molly.” He sighed and started driving.

 My brain felt like it was filled with butterflies, or ants, some kind of movement that was itching at my skull. The paper cups scattered around were making me anxious and I needed to clean his car. I began picking at my nails again, but I needed to pick up those cups, you see. I turned around and started gathering the ones Ray had discarded in the back, filling up an empty plastic bag from Best Buy. I was fully switched around in my seat, nearly crawling into the backseat to reach the trash my brother had left. I felt him tap my side, I looked over at him and he started to scold me.

“Nia, stop that will you, you’re distracting me.” But I needed to finish gathering the cups. The car was dirty, and my skin was itching, the traffic lights burning my skin. I was elated and I didn’t want to listen to him, he was just trying to get in my way. I continued to lean over, not registering the swerve of the car as he looked over at me.

“Nia – ”

He turned over to push me back into my seat, his eyes leaving the road for no more than a few seconds. This time I felt the swerve as we broke into the next lane.

 This is where I have a hard time piecing together what happened. From what I was told, we ended up running directly into a 2015 Dodge Ram 2500. In case you understandably have a lack of knowledge when it comes to cars, that is a very large, sturdy, and expensive pickup truck which I would probably consider the last vehicle you’d want to charge headfirst into while going 70km per hour. I don’t recall the actual incident of hitting the truck, whether that be from the drugs, the position I was in, or hitting my head on the roof of the car, I don’t know. What I do know is that when I woke up, we were in a ditch on the side of the road, with the car flipped upside down, and my entire body was screaming at me to Get Out!

I felt blood oozing sluggishly from my head and noted some indistinct pain in my right wrist where it had scraped something pretty badly and gotten twisted, but I otherwise felt alright. I couldn’t tell if the cloudiness in my head was from a concussion or the earlier events of the night, but I figured it was probably good I was awake, regardless of how dazed I seemed.

I turned my head to the left and was greeted by a view I will never be able to forget, it having been branded to the insides of my eyelids, scorched in my mind. Ray, with his left arm twisted in spectacular fashion, reminding me of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, after Lockhart spells away Harry’s bones. My brother had always been squeamish with broken bones and I hoped he wasn’t aware of how his limb looked at the moment. His head was bleeding quite profusely, and I was alarmed despite how many times I’d heard in movies that headwounds bleed a lot. His eyelids were fluttering, irises appearing glassy and unfocussed. And then I saw it. A piece of glass was stuck in the left side of his neck. The windshield apparently had broken with the impact and my brother was lucky enough to get a piece lodged right in his trachea. It was thick, bright red blood –  that I could’ve sworn was sparkling in my current inebriated perspective – was gushing out the side, so heavy I could smell it, taste it, in the air. I was frozen once I realized.

Do something, do something! Put pressure on it! Call 9-1-1! My mind was screaming at me, but it was all I could do to sit and watch the blood stain his clothes. He was wearing the corduroy jacket I’d gotten him for his birthday and a white button up, the red seeped into them until it was as if they’d always been that colour. My voice was caught in my throat, but I managed to push some sound past.

“Ray?” It was weaker than a whisper but in the silence that seemed to envelope us in that car, completely independent of the outside world and sirens that could surely be heard from blocks away, I knew he would be able to hear me.

He looked up, eyes focussing slightly on me, and a tear slipped down his face, only it went the wrong way since we were still upside down. He mouthed the words “I love you”. We never said that to each other. As close as we were, our relationship had always been more comparable to that of a best friend than sibling. We weren’t overly affectionate, never hugged or said I love you, hung out for enjoyment rather than as a punishment. Most people didn’t know we were brother and sister until we pointed it out, we never really looked alike and were absent of the traditional distaste and rivalry usually present between siblings. I knew, as he looked me in the eyes and said those words, this would be the last time I’d ever see him outside of a morgue.

I sat in my seat next to him with dry eyes, wishing desperately I could cry, needing to express the feeling of utter horror and despondency that completely overtook my body and mind, but I couldn’t. Barb told me time and time again that I was in shock, there was nothing I could’ve done, but I will never be able to believe that. I still remember the moment the final tear slipped down his face. He smiled at me, pain evident in his eyes. His entire body was covered in the metallic smelling red, and I wanted to vomit. I wish I could say the crash had sobered me, but it didn’t, not really. I was still entirely in a daze as I saw his muscles relax, smiling falling from his face, eyes not quite rolling back all the way but enough to give me nightmares for the next 20 years. The life had been absorbed from his body, leaving a heavy shell. I was told afterwards this all happened within the span of 10 minutes, but it felt like years. By the time the first responders had appeared I was an old woman. Grayed hair, and arthritic bones. Mourning for the brother I’d lost oh so many years ago, when I was just a girl. I think in a way I died in that car with him, I never was really the same. But who would be? Best friend and confidant, older brother, idol, dying in front of your eyes as you do nothing, knowing for the rest of your life that his death is – was – your fault. Knowing you could’ve done something, anything really, to prevent his untimely loss of life before the paramedics arrived. If I’d been the same after that night I would have to be much more disturbed than I ever thought.

I sat in that car beside Ray’s corpse for 3 more minutes before I heard the sirens closing in around us – me. I thought I might pass out, either from the toll of what I’d just witnessed or from my concussion, but I remained upright, probably from the adrenaline. I couldn’t move so I just waited, and hoped I’d die too before anyone reached the scene. It would be much preferrable to any other outcome I could think of at the time. I could vaguely register the pain in my wrist, but I felt so numb I’m sure you could’ve shot me in the foot and I wouldn’t have blinked.

A young fireman named Walter ended up getting me out of the car. The door was smashed and stuck which meant I’d been trapped in there either way. I was happy I hadn’t bothered trying to escape as I'm terribly claustrophobic and finding out I couldn’t would have thrown me into a proper panic attack. The fireman was incredibly nice, saying reassuring things the entire time they were opening the door with the “Jaws of Life”. I ended up seeing him again in the hospital actually, or at least that’s what my father told me. He wanted to check in on me and left me some hydrangeas in a vase. I always preferred chrysanthemums but I'm not that picky when it comes to a floral arrangement.

After the door was busted open I was carried out by Walter. I was shaking and apparently babbling nonsense but in my head I was trying to tell them to save Ray. I wasn’t really aware of all that much, completely blind to the crowd of spectators that had rudely gathered to witness the violence – wasn’t it supposed to be taboo to stop at a car crash? Wondering vaguely about what happened and wishing you could get a better look as you drive past the scene.  My head wound had made me a bit incompetent and the meth in my system was really not helping the entire situation.

I was laid on a gurney and rolled onto an ambulance. I don’t remember much about the ride; the sirens, the bright lights, a paramedic named Alice who spoke softly, smoothing out my hair while the other put an oxygen mask on my face (which I wasn’t entirely cognizant enough to question though now I'm not really sure why they did it) and splinted my wrist. Alice asked me if I was on drugs and I nodded but was unable to speak when she asked me what ( I would find this a common occurrence after the accident, my voice seemingly stolen alongside Ray’s). She just nodded and said something to the other ME that I didn’t quite pick up. She asked if I could tell her my name and I shook my head. She must’ve noticed the iPhone in my pocket and grabbed it, turning to the medical ID page.

“Is your name Begonia?” I nodded, though the name sounded foreign on my ears. I liked the way Alice said it though, she had a light Spanish accent and a matronly tone that made me feel safe. I wondered if she had kids of her own; she looked young, but my own mother had me at 19 so who could say? She told me her name after complimenting mine. “Begonia is a beautiful name; I love the flowers. I’m Alice, okay? We’re gonna make sure you’re alright and take you to the hospital.” Her voice was sweet like syrup and I became sleepy as she spoke.

“No honey, you can’t fall asleep yet. Just stay awake a little bit longer and I promise you they’ll let you sleep at the hospital.”

  I don’t remember anything of the rest of the ride to the hospital. I was dropped off at the Emergency Room at the Regional, head still too foggy to allow me to recall anything before I was sitting in a white bed, in a white room, with white sheets and a light blue hospital gown on. It was morning and my father was sitting at the end of my bed in an uncomfortable plastic chair, his eyes bloodshot and moist. He’d very obviously been crying for a long time and my chest panged with guilt. I reached up to feel my head and realized there was a cast on my wrist. With my other hand I touched the cotton that covered my forehead, wincing when I felt the sting of what had to be stitches in a nasty gash. I would spend the next 5 years of my life with a variety of diverse haircuts that attempted to hide the ugly scar that served as a reminder of the worst night of my life. Even now it is still extremely obvious, but I can’t be bothered to try and hide it, I so rarely look in the mirror that it wouldn’t matter if my skin turned blue.

My dad hadn’t looked up, so I attempted to gain his attention but once again found my voice failing me. I tapped on the bed a few times before he seemed to realize and face me.

“Nia… how are you feeling?” His voice was raspy and thin. He reeked of cigarettes and stale coffee, though this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I remained silent as he looked at me, searching my face for something I'm not sure he found.

“Nia, I, I'm not sure how to say this to you.” Here it comes. Almost worse than watching my brother die, the confirmation. “Ray, he’s, well dead.” I saw my father’s eyes begin to tear up again as I stared straight ahead. I couldn’t feel the sobs that racked my body, nor the hot tears streaming from my eyes. I saw my dad start to move closer but sit back down when I flinched. Of course, I knew my brother was dead; I had front row seats to watching the event happen, but somehow I still didn’t believe it until the words left my father’s mouth. According to my dad, who many years later described to me how eery the whole event was, my sobs were completely silent, and I was entirely unaware of everything happening around me. This dissociation lasted the first few days after the accident, and the entirety of my hospital stay. Leaving the blissful gap in my memory I have now.

Barb told me this was my mind’s way of coping with the tragedy and stress of what happened. I was honestly just happy I had an excuse to skip some of the dreadful retelling she forced upon me.

 ❈

             The funeral was of course a depressing and solemn event. I was still yet to speak and found myself thankful for the way people gave up on trying to get me to communicate. I dressed in a black skirt with a black short sleeved button up. A dark coat thrown around my shoulders as the cast on my right hand was too big to fit through the sleeve. I looked terrible, barely a week out of hospital before I watched Ray sink into the ground. The wound on my forehead was still quite nasty, though it looked better than it did before. I tried to cover it up with my hair but was unsuccessful. I got bangs soon after.

           The matter was very traditional, taking place in a church even though none of our family was really religious. It was only the second time I'd ever been in a church, the first having been for my cousin Julie’s wedding when I was four years old. I don’t remember anything of it aside from the material of my dress itching at my neck and making me rather miserable. Of course, not nearly as miserable as I was the day of the funeral, sitting in a pew at the front of the church, listening to a priest claiming Ray would’ve wanted us to celebrate his life. I knew this not to be true; Ray was extremely dramatic and would’ve cherished the thought of everyone he’d ever spoken to moping around for weeks after his death, beside themselves with grief. He sometimes referred to himself as “Romeo” after having been broken up with by another girl he was supposedly in love with, stating he better just stab himself in the heart now if he couldn’t have her. On the rare occasion he broke up with a girlfriend, he’d lounge around, eating ice cream, pretending to not be upset and comparing his cold heart to that of Richard VIII. The concept of him being any different over his death was almost comical; Ray was nothing if not predictable.

           I sat beside my father, who sat beside my mother (it was an extremely awkward arrangement that neither I nor my father cared for) and seemed to have the idea that I could evaporate if I thought hard enough about it. Unfortunately, I did not evaporate, or even come close to it, instead finding myself exactly where I'd been the whole time. I mostly tuned out the service, only really paying attention when my father and Ray’s best friend, Jake spoke. I managed to escape the duty of having to speak that day thanks to my fragile mental state and mutism. Though I'm sure I would’ve been forced all the same if I had been able to talk in any capacity, regardless of where my head was at.

           Faun was sitting in the pew behind me, feeling quite guilty about the whole ordeal. Or friendship dissolved soon after, I think she blamed herself for taking me to the party. It didn’t bother me too much though; we were never the closest and I sometimes thought her to be extremely annoying. An endless stream of shitty boyfriends that she only acquired so she could further repress her sexuality. When we were 14 we kissed at a sleepover and she admitted she was in love with me. I felt bad for not returning the feeling and our relationship had been on rocky territory ever since. I don’t understand how she thought she was in love with me since she barely knew anything about me, but either way she never brought it up again and soon after the monsoon of boytoys had begun.

           My brother’s friends and ex-girlfriends also attended the event. I didn’t approach any of them, far too scared they’d blame me for the death of their friend. One of them, Alex, went up to me to say how sorry he was about everything that happened. He was crying quite heavily (I later found out he was the friend Ray had been drinking with and the second last person to see him alive) and I could smell alcohol on his breath. I stood there while he spoke, telling me about how great my brother was as if I was wholly unaware. Body waving side to side as he stood with his hand on the wall beside me. He offered me some bronze liquid in a flask, and I obliged, savouring the burning sensation that followed in my throat. Alex’s voice was steady and deep, reminding me of my father’s. I’m not sure how long we stood there, him spinning a fantastic web of anecdotes and stories about my brother, some entirely new to my ears. We passed the beverage back and fourth until it was empty. My head felt lighter and heavier somehow simultaneously, and I found it much easier to listen to Alex talk. Later he tried to kiss me in my bedroom during the wake. His mouth was sour, and his tongue seemed too big for his mouth. I wondered how he was able to talk so much without it getting in the way.

             We moved in procession to the cemetery after the service. The grass was a vibrant green colour, and I didn’t understand how the world kept turning after Ray’s death, for mine stopped the moment his heart failed to beat. The sky was a lovely shade of cyan-blue, with clouds so perfect they seemed animated. Pink carnations were planted near the outskirts of the yard and I could smell spring in the air; a heavy, floral aroma that never failed to comfort me. I thought it should be raining, it felt inappropriate that the weather refused to match my despair. My mind wandered as we approached the empty grave and I considered what it would be like if Ray was here beside me. He’d probably be making jokes, telling me to lighten up for a minute or my face would get stuck that way. He’d mock my silence, saying how I never managed to shut up for a minute before but suddenly I'm as proper as a nun. I'd smile, ruffling his hair to piss him off and try to refrain from laughing aloud. The absence of him only felt stronger as I imagined this scenario, so I shoved it out of my head.

           The casket was lowered into the ground, my father was a pallbearer and I often think about how he must’ve felt carrying his son’s body before watching him being buried. My mother sobbed loudly which annoyed me, it felt a bit exaggerated. I had a few tears falling from my eyes but mostly, I just felt numb. Incredibly and absolutely empty inside. To onlookers it may have seemed as though we weren’t very close, my reaction being similar to that of his ex-girlfriends’. However, this didn’t account for the loss of my voice, or the broken state I was in mentally. Maybe it was better that my reaction was rather dulled. It meant people didn’t feel the need to approach me as they did my mother. Less concerned given she was the one playing up her emotions to the point of embarrassment. My father cried, more than I but far less than my mother. He didn’t cry very often – I'd actually only seen it once prior to the whole event – and I figured he probably needed it. At this point I felt as though I'd shed enough tears to last a lifetime so Ray wouldn’t mind if I was a bit subdued in comparison. He never was a crier anyways.

           As I sprinkled soil onto his casket I imagined he was right beside me, watching, ready to criticize as usual. The dirt stained my hand, clutching the sweat and turning my skin a muddy brown colour. As I wiped the dirt on my jacket I could hear him nagging about how I better go wash my hands, what was I, a six-year-old? He was in denial about me growing up and took every chance to remind me I was still just a kid. Not that he had much on me, but I enjoyed it. I never was one to shy away from attention; at least not before. Little quirks and inside jokes between us were always some of my favourite things, the type of humour you could only get from living with someone your whole life. No matter how much his memory will fade there are some things I can’t let myself forget. His mocking tone when he’d make fun of me is one of those things. If I ever managed to let go of that sound then I must be dead as well.

           The sun beat down on my back, my skin burning in my black clothes. I wasn’t sweating yet, but most of the men around were – suit jackets aren’t exactly known for their breathability. My nose was dry and aching red, sore from how much I'd been wiping it the last couple days. Still the sweet seeping tinge of flowers and spring managed to crawl into my nose, settling underneath my skin, the buzzing from before had returned, I could feel my heartbeat loudly in my throat and had the desperate urge to just run. Instead, I just followed the rest of the party, sitting down in the passenger seat of my dad’s car. The silence that settled over us was uncomfortable and stale. He turned on the radio, Led Zeppelin filled the air around us, thankfully relieving some of the tension. I felt in my left pocket for one of the carnations I’d picked from a nearby grave earlier. The flower had begun to wilt, heat taking effect on its delicate composition. When I got home I put it in between the pages of my oldest copy of Romeo and Juliet. Ray would have found it funny if he was around to see.

The drive to my mother’s house was short and minimally awkward. We sat in silence – aside from the music – only because there was no alternative. My hand remained clutched around the dying flower in my pocket as we left the car and entered the home. Other people had already arrived, clustered in the living room, picking at tiny ham sandwiches and various desserts my mother had undoubtedly stress-baked the day before. I wasn’t hungry so I sat as far away from the food and people as humanely possible while staying in the living room, not wishing to hear my mother’s scolding about how I need to socialize more. Eventually I managed to slip away into my old bedroom, where Alex was sitting on my bed drinking a mickey of Smirnoff I assumed he swiped from my mother’s freezer. He offered it to me, and I accepted, the weird repetitive déjà vu like act, mirroring earlier and making the whole day feel like somewhat of a dream.

When I went over this part with Barb she always felt the need to emphasize that it wasn’t a dream. I knew this, obviously, which I told her every time, but she was inclined to disbelief when it came to my denial over my brother’s death. “Begonia, you must realize he’s gone. Dwelling is helping nobody, especially not you. This isn’t a healthy mindset for you to have. Always comparing living to your dreams. I want you to tell me you understand this isn’t just some dream you can wake up from.” The first time she said that to me I was thrust into a bout of wordlessness, as it struck a bit too close to home. The next time she brought it up I just told her of course, though even now I still cannot say I fully understand. How can I when all of my assumptions have been constantly disproven time and time again. How can I ever say this isn’t a dream when I'm not even sure I'm real? James always tries to reassure me, “Bee, I'm telling you, if you can feel this beat, the pulse in your wrist, your neck, your chest, you are alive,” he’ll say while pressing my hand to my wrist, but we both know it isn’t that simple.

Me and Alex made out for a few minutes until I managed to excuse myself. He was a bad kisser and tasted disgusting. I left him sitting on my old bed while I went downstairs to find my dad. He was sitting at the counter with a can of root beer, blank expression sat upon his face. When his eyes met mine he sighed, grabbing his keys out of his pocket. It was obvious neither of us wanted to be here, for numerous reasons, so we left. And if the radio stayed off as we drove home we didn’t acknowledge the silence that time. In my hand was the crumpled carnation, and for some reason it made my chest hurt. A deep ache of dread. I could feel my heartbeat, hear it over the drum of the car engine, and I crushed the flower further. I was careful not to rip it though, as if that was crossing some kind of invisible line my mind had set for me. My fingers felt waxy when I finally let go.

Back home, I opened the copy of Romeo and Juliet. I retrieved the deteriorating plant from my pocket and placed it in the center. Closing the book, I stacked it under a few dictionaries, a magazine under it so it was trapped on either side. I sat down in front of it and cried. Not the huge gasping sobs my mother seemed to fancy, nor the quiet weeping of my father. No, I cried the tears of a child who just found out their grandparents died, the soft uncomprehending grief that overcame them as they first learned what death really meant. How long forever was. My legs pulled up to my chest, hands loosely hung around knees, unable to clasp together because of my cast. I closed my eyes and I swear I could hear the sound of Ray sighing behind me, but when I opened my eyes I was alone. I went to bed, earlier than I ever had in my life, still believing it was a dream and I'd wake up like Alice after her adventures in Wonderland. But when I awoke, I was met with the slow, oozing perdure of my reality. The one which I could not wake up from, and the one where my brother was dead.

[constablegoo]

@astralglam​​​​ filed a report .

mint: does your muse view themself as virtuous & moral? what do these words mean to them?

OHOHO. hey hi ily. this is, of course, one of odo’s deepest ongoing battles, and the moment he stops questioning it is the moment he becomes a founder.

the founders grant themselves god status.  GOD!  status. they just reach out and pluck it. Within their range of power, the founders become unquestionably Just and Virtuous and Moral, their Word becomes Law, it becomes “the way things are” and “fact” and they create their own reality stemming from thousands of years of intense xenophobia. they’re above it all. gods don’t make mistakes, right? sure, maybe changelings were hunted and feared ages ago but they still fear it, and that drive for Order and Control over the galaxy is now encoded into their genes and they place a companion structure into the genes of every other species they control, subjugating them to the founders’ own cozy position as Gods, or-- ‘gods’. the founder (i rly don’t like saying “female” founder so she’s THE Founder. she speaks for the link.) makes it quite clear on many occasions that the founders are not here to negotiate. they fully intend to control EVERYTHING at any cost. it is absolutely  chilling  when she cuts garak down with: “they’re dead. you’re dead. cardassia is dead.” and draws the line between the dominion and everyone else miles deep into the sand.

that same genetic coding is one of the first semi-concrete things odo comes to understand about himself and, horribly, he’s landed into conditions under the occupation that very easily could have taken advantage of a less meticulous or stubborn changeling. no, odo says initially (and incorrectly), i am not bajoran** and i am not cardassian and i stand apart from either side of this conflict and so i am bound to PURE Virtue and Morality because of it. he can’t be bribed or bought or won over, and he won’t allow for anything less than a kind of incorruptibility. this effectively wins him allies (and enemies) on both sides, however -- that’s just not how the universe works. the truth of it is that no matter how much he tells himself he is not a part of their regime, his working with the cardassians makes him a collaborator in that he has then recognized their authority and ultimately upheld their legitimacy, even if he never agreed with the cause, even if he was also on some level a casualty of it. at some point when he moves past ‘contract’ investigation and begins to work permanently, he falls into the trap of thinking Order is the same thing as Justice... huge yikes. in that moment he becomes a true and apathetic villain, but he’s subsequently haunted by the resulting execution of innocents. it shakes something up in him. years pass and he still wonders, what other mistakes has he made? what other less direct consequences of his ‘neutral’ arbitration exist? he (and everyone around him) has to live without really knowing, and it’s a constant reminder to him of the power he holds and it informs his understanding of what Real (and imperfect) Justice Means.

**sidenote but later in s7 he introduces himself as ‘from bajor’ and AAAAAA. its good. very good. yeah, you’re bajoran, odo. he gets it now.

Mirror odo is really the ultimate example of an odo having taken those instincts to extremes in an environment that rewarded him for them -- there is no guilt there, and even a sadistic kind of pleasure in it. i’d argue that gaia!odo is another, less extreme example of an odo who’s been alone too long and lost sight of things when he single-mindedly (and against kira’s wishes) chooses her (one person) over 8000. like holy shit? NOT ok? uhhuhhhhfff. anyway. very fortunately, neither of these are OUR odo, but act as great foils to reflect on the worst (bastard cop) qualities or potential qualities of our goo pushed to highly visible extremes, which star trek just loves to do all the time.

but regular/prime odo isnt exactly a rule-follower, either. throughout his life, he frequently takes things into his own hands, uses his abilities to his advantage, spies, wiretaps, eavesdrops, and yes, harasses [quark] sometimes -- he develops his own set of values and personal rules and follows them; even starfleet comes in wary of him and how he operates and hes on thin ice. but because of possibly his most redeeming quality, odo is able to adapt those self-ordained values toward something increasingly honest: for how rigid he can be in personality, he is HIGHLY influenced by the world around him,  listens hard  to what his friends and allies have to say and adapts that feedback; this allows him to evolve and grow and take important matters to heart. he becomes more flexible and better able to hold onto what’s really most important after locking into a decision, because above all else, he is passionately committed to doing the Right Thing. he PLEADS with himself in things past, “your job is to find the truth, not obtain convictions.” by his tendency to push back against what is laid down as ‘law’ (something he becomes more and more aware of and effective at doing) as not always being good or right, or necessarily even creating Order (the thing he’s driven genetically to want), he prepares himself to challenge the most deadly voice of authority -- that of his own people.

so... yes and no. odo’s role and persona as ‘your average security chief’ might dictate that he be virtuous and moral, but he so obviously can’t fit the same exact mold as others in his position -- he has these insane abilities and this mind-consuming nature and it requires he tread with extra care, but he also has a potential for more adaptive, more nuanced morality. he has to build up his own definitions to the words, constantly examine and tease and test them, or else he risks straying too far from what he really wants to achieve -- harmony, honest justice. he has to accept that he’s a part of the system he operates in (not, in fact, alone or isolated! something he actually wants), and know that he is not exempt from making the wrong choice, just like anybody else.

carnation: what is your muse’s relationship with their gender? how do they express or not express this relationship?

ODO AND GENDER!!! i love odo and gender. let’s take this one step at a time. he starts out as an amorphous glob -- he has no gender. there’s no basis for assignment, no culture of difference, and all the goos are goo. odo takes on the shape of the first living thing he sees / the thing he sees most frequently: dr mora. he adopts an image of masculinity from mora and he adopts the hair. that’s about it, and it’s pretty much arbitrary. (maybe the hair is simple enough for his skills, too?) the next people odo meets are also these very masculine, military, cardassian leaders, so again -- this is all he knows! this is neutrality. i imagine it takes him some time to work out what the differences in gender are, and sex, and orientation, romantic vs sexual stuff, all of that. it’s all got cultural baggage he knows nothing about and does not experience, and he’s also dealing with multiple, clashing cultures to boot. since he doesnt have any strong inherent leaning, he simply opts out. he/him becomes his default because thats where he started, thats what he’s been able to successfully present and how people know him, and, terrifyingly, under cardassian rule, it probably offered a bit of safety, too, which was obviously something he needed at the time.

way way way way way down the line in season seven, odo asks kira to (paraphrasing) look at me. what do you see? [i see you.] but this is NOT me, this is only a shape ive assumed in order to fit in. she says, yes, i know that. but this is who you have chosen to be. “a man. a good and honest man.” (i knowww shes not really talking abt gender here BUT) its hard as a trans person not to read the metaphor. he’s chosen to express SOMETHING. he’s chosen something other than what he was given (neutrality) and although he doesnt personally buy into what ‘masculinity’ “should be” (ie the ferengi, smh) / would certainly not argue he doesnt feel non-binary, this is how he has presented all his life, its how hes been treated, and it is what he has chosen to adhere to. there’s a choice in that, kira’s right, and now it reflects something about him.

parallel this, i’ll mention the “female” founder again bc of course there is no discernable reason for her to have a gender -- other than to appeal (im not talking sexually here although there’s,, obviously weird shit happening with the link... yike) to odo in the sense that until that point odo has lived with “gendered” individuals and, i think importantly, kira is with them when they first meet. i think its safe to say the founder saw her, figured she was a friend/ally to odo or at least familiar to him, and took her general representation to appeal as a friend/ally.

otherwise... why, honestly? the founder’s got NO love of humanoids lmao why would she bother.

anyway i’d like to see odo experiment a bit. because when hes safe, he can!! aside from his own doubts and insecurities about shapeshifting, at some point he really has no reason not to, at least a little bit. really, it should just be another thing to practice, much like becoming a convincing rock or a leaf, its just that there are other significances in the cultures around him. i’d just like to see him loosen up a little. have fun. grow ur hair out a bit, odo, why are u still looking like ur terrible dad.

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[angstymdzsthoughts]

Ignorance is a bliss

Imagine if “come to gusu with me” ends up with wwx passed out of exhaustion before he could reject the offer. Lwj did brought him to gusu and under the jurisdiction of the elders, after wwx is nursed back to health, his demonic cultivation must be sealed and he must received say maybe 15 lashes as punishment for straying off the righteous path before were sent to seclusion with lwj so that wwx will finally be ‘cleansed’. Wwx wasnt happy ofc but what he could do with his powers are sealed away? Now , 5 strokes of discipline whip may cause a cultivator bedridden for months, how about to a non cultivator ? It must affect them severely so that is why discipline whip can never be used to a non cultivator. Lwj was forced to a house arrest guarded by three disciples due to him trying to (forcefully) persuade the elders to not hurt wwx. Lwj never thought that the elders were so hell bent on punishing wwx , where he promised wwx that gusu will be his safe haven (oh lwj, ignorance is a bliss).

The elders of Lan assumed that wwx’s core is still intact but maybe diminished due to demotic cultivation. So they still proceeded with the punishment. But halfway through the session, wwx lose consciousness and healers were called to heal him so that they could finish the punishment.However, upon trying to heal him , the healers discovered that wwx does not have a golden core. Lxc was horrified and ultimately barked an order to bring wwx to the sect’s infirmary to put him to rest. Glaring at lqr and the elders , he told them if wwx did not survive the ordeal , they would have become a murderer.

Lwj was devastated on the state wwx in. Wwx had a bad fever due to infection despite how hard the healers were trying to use medication. Bandages were changed thrice a day to ensure the infection does not spread to other parts of body. Wwx never gained consciousness for 3 months. He was delirious in fever as his health rapidly declining over the days. Healers concluded that wwx may not he able to perform his daily routine without help as the whip has cause major backlash on his physical and mental health.

After a discussion, the lans decided to finally informed the jiang sects of the situation wwx was in. JC was on his way when wwx woke up. Wwx was in confusion and struggling to get out of his bed. Lxc and lwj had to restrain him to ensure he doesn’t hurt himself. The last thing wwx remembered that his back and legs were excruciating painful and people in white robes are the cause of it.Paranoia settles in him causing wwx to be on alert every second and never utter a single word after waking up, not even to lwj. For wwx, lwj has brought him to gusu because he hated wwx so much that he let those people hurt him. He was betrayed.

Although he was reluctant at first, he forced himself to eat to regained his strength and escape this hell. When the jc arrives at gusu with a group of disciples , lxc and the elders met them at the entrance leaving lwj and wwx alone at the room. Wwx for the first time spoke to lwj, requesting for a new change of robe. “I just dont want anyone to see me in this dirty robe” . Lwj acquiesced.

When lwj came back with new set of fresh robes and a basin of hot water , wwx was gone. Due to the envoy from Jiang sect , the entrance was not guarded as usual and wwx miraculously managed to flee gusu. Wwx put his guard up even he has successfully escape and ran to the most secluded part of Caiyi town. After resting for few hours and after the adrenaline was gone ,wwx realised that he was severely injured and crippled. His left leg cannot be bend without causing painful jolt like feeling. Him running all the way from gusu to caiyi with a bleeding back and hurting leg was indeed a miracle. Now , if walking was painful , then running was courting death. With careful planning using his survival skills and experience , wwx continues his painstaking slow journey and enters a forest , opposite direction of gusu and lotus pier. Wwx was last seen by a fruit vendor of Caiyi Town ; limping away without a trace.

Lwj without a doubt used an inquiry to find wwx , but wwx was an ambitious lad. Wwx somehow managed to create a talisman that can hide his presence even to spirits. Jc has issued posters all over the place , in hopes that someone might give an intel for him to find his brother but to no avail , no one has a clue of where wwx has been gone to. Wwx - like a ghost , has disappeared . JYL and JXZ was also at deeps end, unable to trace her missing brother. Other major sects also keep an eye for wwx, though the Lan clan has claimed that wwx’s demonic cultivation was sealed and was severly injured, who knows what can that young man do ?

Timeskip to 13 years later, JL LJY and LSZ (assuming that the siege never happened, but lwj adopted a-yuan as per requested by wq and wn to ensure he was raised at a proper & healthy background and the wen remnants survived and disperse for safety) was attacked at goddess temple only to be saved by a mystery crippled guy with mask (JL: a non cultivator nonetheless!) (LJY: what an amazing talent ! Only using talisman to beat the statue!). The teenagers were awestruck with the masked man’s skill, that they wanted to thanked him with a meal and few drinks but was rejected and the man leaves.

JL who never accepts no for an answers suggest to secretly follows the man so that they can send drinks or some offering for him to his house instead. Ljy and Lsz tagged along as they were curious of their saviour after all. A non cultivator cannot detect presence like a cultivator do, so the man was unaware that he was tailed. Upon arriving an old shack with a small potato farm , the man limped and sat with a grunt. Taking off his mask , he took a bottle of water and consumed a few concoction of medicine before coughing. The teenagers was surprised on the living condition of their saviour. JL however upon seeing the face of the man, went wide eyes.

“That man, he was in the poster my jiujiu used to issue around LP . My A-niang talks about him a lot,” looking over his other two confused companions. “I can never forget that face. The face that always make my mother cry upon looking at his picture and frown at his name. He is my missing big uncle , Wei Wuxian of Jiang Sect.”

“Ah i heard about him. Apparently our Elders punished him until he was missing his golden core , i think? Or is it the other way around?” Ljy spoke. “But i think the limping was the consequences from our Sects’ punishment. That time , Lan sect and Jiang Sect almost broke the treaty. I heard Madame Jiang managed to convinced your uncle to stop”.

They saw the man plowing a part of his potato field ,who occasionally stopped due to his heavy cough and resume his work. “Wwx , he is the person my father has been looking for the past 13 years. I need to let him know” Lsz finally spoke, smiling.

“Oh my potatoes , I hope you grew up fat and yummy for this master over here! I need more money , or i wont be able to buy medicine. You dont want me to die yet are you~” sang wwx. The 3 looked at each other and finally decides to leave for their respective inn, bringing a joyous news for their leaders.

Next day, both JC and lwj accompanied by the 3 went to wwx’s house. Both heartbroken on the state of the old shack . Knocking the wooden door and clearly listening on the voice mumbling from inside “who the hell would come here early in the morning at middle of a forest”, jc and lwj was shocked on the physical appearance of their missing person. Sunken cheeks and dark eyes as indication of fatigue , limping , voice hoarse from sickness and the obvious whipping scars marring from behind his neck to under the ragged clothes , jc couldnt help but to greet wwx with a hug , holding him so gentle in fear that wwx would break with the slightest of strength. Wwx frozen in shock couldnt hug back but made eye contact with lwj. “Weiying, please forgive me that I couldn’t protect you. I am very sorry.” After 13 years of internal pain and agony , wwx for the first time shed his tears . “I forgive you , so you all should leave me alone. I am a burden. Im no longer a cultivator , but a crippled man with not much time to left. I am nothing but a burden. Please” sobbed wwx.

“Idiot. Give us a chance to take care of you. A-jie misses you so much, every day and night. You haven’t met your nephew , Jing Ling . Don’t you want to eat her soup? And about your health, i can call WenQing to help you. She is still the best doctor alive. Come back with us , okay ? And no one will hurt you. “ jc.

Wwx was shocked to hear wq was still alive and her name was spoken by jc without an ounce of hatred. What have been happening for the past few years he have been isolating himself ? With shaking hands , he grabbed jc’s robe and nodded. He made another eye contact with lwj and could see how sincere he is from his eyes. Maybe , all this time , the fact that lwj hates me and sending me to my demise was all a misunderstanding?

“I am no more a cultivator.”

“It’s fine , WeiYing”

“I cannot contribute to Jiang sect anymore.”

“Who cares about that, idiot?”

“I’m going to be a burden !!! I cant even walk properly. My health is deteriorating”

“WeiYing, if tired , I can carry. Let me take care of you when sick”

“Lan Zhan, i dont want to go to gusu”

“We can go anywhere other than Gusu.”

“I wont let you take a single step to that damn place , no offence Second Young master Lan”

“None taken.”

———

(Alternate ending)

Wwx was still unconscious and attacked by a high fever due to infection in his wound. Numerous method has been used to mitigate the after effect of the whip , but to no avail. Infection starts to spread to his legs, and wwx was delirious and moaning in his sleep due to pain. The severity of the wound caused both of his legs to sepsis and the healers has no other way than to amputate the legs to make sure that the infection will not spread internally.

After the surgery of removing wwx’s legs , the infection are able to be minimised but still needs to be monitored. Still, wwx has no signs of waking up. Lwj was loyal to his side , taking care of changing the bandages . Every night , lwj had a nightmare of the reaction of wwx waking up with no legs . One particular nightmare that haunts him the most is weiying took out his own life out of despair. Lwj couldnt sleep for two nights watching over wwx after that nightmare occurs.

After 6 days, lqr visited the room and berates lwj for neglecting his duty as a student of Lan sect. Lwj angrily talks back, and was taken to kneel in the hall for one day. When he came back , no one was watching wwx. He came back with pure silence from wwx .Where there should a ragged breathing from wwx , it was only silence. Wwx’s usually pale lips was ashen. Bandaged chest that should be heaving was still. Wwx finally succumbed to his injuries after 11 days of fighting and lwj (again) was not by his side. His sect (again) are the cause of pain for his beloved ones and has taken everything from him.

—-

Wow took this one hour and a half. This is my second time posting here. 😋 enjoy?

-b

[alphaketoglutaricacid]

@onehithero said: also we know theres at least some actual animals besides gadoll liek the scorpion n cows tht show up for a sec in ep 1 so tankers hav tht going for them re: food sources ..SORRY FOR RAMBLING SO MUCH deca dence essay got sleeper agent activated

onehithero said: i rly like what usaid abt kabu from natsumes pov too but i cannot form a half cohernet thought abt tht one

onehithero said: ALSO ALSO i think its interesting how the ep 8 conversation w minato is i think the only time kabu talks abt being jealous of humans being able to choose their own paths

onehithero said: also how minatos convinced hes like a good lil cog in the machine yet hes done 50 things tht wuld get him labeled as a bug but he just ignores all tht. the both of them can be so disconnected w reality

onehithero said: like minato didnt know abt 1)natsume 2) how the system has made kabu so severely depressed n he culdnt put up w it anymore.n minato continues pushing the just go along w the system shit he doesnt understand tht he was contributing to kabus misery.. n bc of tht kabu doesnt trust minato enough to tell him abt natsume for so long but then he goes n asks smth so big of him as go against the system

onehithero said: thinks abt how kabu n minato r obviously so important to each other but minato understands him less n less over time & kabu kinda already knew its risky to confide in minato like minato did know abt pipe which was a long time ago but he didnt know abt natsume til kabu was already sacrifing himself for her sake. n yet kabu then goes n tries to get him on his side anyway cuz he wants tht so badly..

onehithero said: OMG OMG CHEWS THESE WORDS SLOWLY N THROUGHLY SO DELICIOUS THANK U THANK U u get it u understand i love reading n writing essay lengh responses abt deca dence & again u just hit the nail on the head w this

Please let me know if this @ u 8 times and sorry if it did.  I will reply under this readmore but i love this enthusiasm! I like discussing this stuff so if u want keep it coming. I wanna understand deca dence better and i think i will by sharing ideas w other ppl. 

I think kabu and minatos relationship  is as good as it is because theres clearly a lot of mutual love and respect between them even when they don’t understand each other and thats why minato still runs after him when he hears kabu going suicide mission lets go baby. I think its interesting that minato was like ready to lie down and accept getting mass scrapped until he hears kabu go im about to be hilarious and hes like actually living and staying alive sounds great actually forget what i said about it being over.   you are so right about kabu and trust and natsume. I will always cherish episode 5 where kabu gives this big rousing speech about how natsume inspired him and saved his life and minatos there like ..who? ..what?? I think they may not be used to hiding things from each other. Also I think them drifting apart mirrors natsume and feis drifting apart tho I think while feis the instigator on that side kabus more on his side and minato like natsume is like wondering what in da world is going on. I think someone else wrote about this better than I can.

I do think minato does know kabus severely depressed because theres this line in ep 4 where he puts his hand on kabu and says like you’ve toiled enough at that awful job. and also in episode 11 when he and kabu talk and kabu says he was in a similar place as minato now in that he was waiting every day to be scrapped minato has no reaction until kabu says but that bug saved me. I think he knows kabus very depressed but he does not know how to address it cuz the system never gives either of them the tools or options for it. Though also I feel the system discourages meaningful relationships between the cyborgs so I think what minato and kabu have is likely pretty rare. Kabu donetello and turkey also fought together for a long time but turkey turns on donetello in a second even tho they fought together, he was his number two, and they were in prison together, and were pretty much all they got and donetello kills him in turn. I also think minato probably knew because he’s empathetic. Like I’m not sure about compassion but he’s very good at understanding where other ppl are and how to meet them in the middle so both parties get something they want. That’s how he got all the gamers to collect the old deca dence parts. Not by cashing in on ppl doing the right thing but by framing it as the final mission. He gets his lgbt community center coworkers for fight with him one last time by appealing to their sense of duty. He got the system to put kabu in jail instead of getting scrapped when Mikey got scrapped for a lesser offense. The list goes on. A tangent but I think the fact he acknowledges the living conditions of the humans are gonna get worse if nothing’s done even tho he’s apathetic at best towards them shows even when the system tries to mold the cyborgs into the roles it wants, sometimes the traits they have just keep on going despite themselves. I’m gonna stop myself before I go into jill and this theme but I’m gonna talk about it someday. So I think its more likely than not he knew but he didn’t know how to navigate around it also because it’s heavily implied he’s going thru the same thing and I think kabu might genuinely have no idea Bc kabu lacks empathy but his heart... is huge. When he hears minato express his feelings of not knowing what he wants he instantly tries to reach out and explain minatos not alone in what he feels. This is why they’re good foils. while kabu moves past where he was in the start where he states he does not intend to oppose the system and his compliance while also trying to do the bare minimum drives him to suicide, and finds the willpower and a reason to live and rebel against the system through his connection to other people (first natsume , he hangs out w kurenai sometimes too, and then with the jail robots). Meanwhile minato whos stuck in his literal ivory tower (it’s a Metaphor) never makes any of these connections. It’s the irony of kabu working at a armor repair job giving him some ability to connect w others vs minatos higher position isolating him from everyone else. I think kabu living amongst the ppl he harmed drove him to give up on life quicker, while minato being far apart shielded him from rlly having to see the effects of his actions I think he was headed a lil slower in the same direction. I think we’re led to believe minatos okay where he is but I think towards the end it’s clear minato has spent most of the series also in a bad place. I think he views things very similarly to kabu in that he wants to use what power he does have to protect the ppl he cares about similar to how initially kabu tried to just convince natsume to quit several times and he was like whatever at the rest of the humans who are natsumes comrades dying but he chooses to put it all on the line and try for some systemic change when he sees natsumes determination to fight. Also I think minato holds very little loyalty to the system cuz he doesn’t only like breaks 1000 rules for kabu (the hypocrisy) but he also looks the other way a lot. For example, when he overheard the top rankers talk about limiters he’s like I’ll pretend I don’t hear it also turn on private mode next time and he doesn’t berate them for considering cheating. Also donetello has been using an illegal avatar to climb to S rank again (isn’t it interesting that even after the ranked system is abolished something similar took its place). And his avatar looks the same as it did when minato worked with the guy. There’s probably like not that many ppl in s rank. And he calls himself donetello. Minato knows he’s supposed to be in jail but does he tell anyone? He’s like well.. that looks like someone else’s problem if they notice *goes and vapes* it’s so funny how little minato cares but it’s also not funny Bc some of minatos cruelest actions and things he’s complicit in are born not outta malice but apathy to everything. I think it shows (tangent number 4?) how the systems use of excessive force is counter productive cuz neither minato nor kabu are willing to report anything to disrupt the order Bc neither of them think the level of punishment is warranted. I also think that minato is probably the first person kabu really opens up to about why on a personal level he feels the system needs to be destroyed after Ep 7 is really interesting. It really speaks to how deep their [mutual and not platonic relationship I don’t know how to label ] is. I also think that he admits to minato that he envies human is rlly interesting and would like to hear what u have to think! I think it’s interesting that what really sets minato off is kabu saying he wants to choose for himself and also wants other cyborgs to have that freedom and I think it’s one of the few times we see minato get genuinely angry and have it not stem from worry. Tangent 5 I’m really extrapolating here but I think it’s very likely given how high up minato is that he likely knows of several cyborgs that rebelled against the system for similar reasons as kabu and knows how it ends and I think it probably feeds into his defeatist attitude. I think his role in the system must really kill whatever grasp of whatever minato has cuz he constantly has to act like it’s almost the end of the world and he’s strapped for resources all the time for like decades and decades of having to fake that type of desperation to entertain ur player base and cuz ur also on tv to entertain the general populace to distract them from their soul sucking jobs. I think that’s gotta mess with his perception of himself and also his ability to see that struggle as real and genuine. I think that’s also gotta be hard cuz he seems like out of his whole fuck we r under attack persona he seems like he’s a lil closed off but generally chill and somewhat upbeat to ppl who know him and he just wants to be isabella from animal crossing. I got really off track here. I think what really gets me is their relationship is built on knowing each other so well and so long , and how it’s managed to survive and persist through all this tragedy. They really mutually respect and love each other and that’s why kabu let’s minato walk away from his revolution even tho it compromises everything he works for. It’s why minato ultimently accepts kabus willingness to die for a tanker even tho he really doesn’t get it at all and it means it’s goodbye forever. But it’s still not enough to save either of them. Minato can’t save kabu from trying to passively starving himself to death and I’m not sure if kabu even knows where minato is at mentally. Sometimes no matter how close u are to someone there r things u miss and things u can’t help each other with. Even tho the two resolve to fight and then die together cuz this seems like the best choice Bc the system they were born into offers no alternatives, the deca dence doesn’t even activate without the help of other ppl. I think it shows one relationship cant support all that weight. In the end it is through their bonds with other ppl that gets them to an ending where they both survive when they decided alone their only option is death. Also u are so right about the other animals existing I totally forgot ty I cannot believe I forgot about the scorpion which calls to natsumes hairstyle which is a visual gag on how natsumes a bug and how like a scorpion, although unassuming, and fucking kill u, just like how her trying to get her boss to open up eventually leads to the whole thing toppling down. I also have a lot of thoughts about natsume but I’m still thinking of them and thinking hard Bc sometimes she becomes kabus inspiration Pinterest board and I don’t like that. When she shines she really shines but it starts getting sloppy towards the end so I have to think a lil longer about it. Okay I’m done. Also it’s kinda hard for me to look like I’m agreeing to ur points and nodding in this format but I really appreciate ur thoughts and will try to convey this. Maybe by formatting as a response to each of ur replies next time

[maddiefriendlovesbilly]

Spencer x Ghost?

Spencer x Ghost

(AAAAA- it has been months since you sent this to me, and all i can say is im so sorry) Side note I have my friend @lethalbreadkills helping me with this one!

For reference: Maddie (maddiefriendlovesbilly) is green, Jimmy (lethalbreadkills) is red (((its 4:30 at the time i have joined this so im dead braincell wise sorry yall))) and Orange is stuff we decided together :3

Also this is so very chaotic im so sorry for this anon but this has been in my fuckin drafts for SO LONG and this is the only way its getting finished (its now 5 am uwu) im so sorry for all the shitposting i do its a mess. I shouldnt have been allowed here. (we finished at about 5:30 am its hell <3)

Sphost? Ghencer?? Sphoster??? I adore and despise them all equally.

We have decided that it should be BeanieGhost

Anyway I think this ship is really cute

They’re both so neurotic I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue

One of them starts a rant on some topic and the other joins the hell in

I’m an advocate of LETTING SPENCER INFO DUMP BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT OKAY

And Ghost would let this dream come true???

I would die for both of them and if Spencer told me I had to die I wouldn’t even complain, no questions I’d just be like “Aight.” I trust him that much.

(Not sure I trust Ghost’s judgment enough to do that unquestioningly; sorry Ghost)

Back on topic

I can’t imagine these guys on anything that comes close to society’s definition of a date

It’d be more like “hey you wanna come on this hunt with us?” “maybe, depends if there’ll be snacks” or like chilling in Spence’s room binging the entire star trek: original series in one sitting or “oops sorry about that level 11 entity that attached to my soul and is now wreaking havoc in your house, wanna make out later to make up for it?” “Fine but you also have to play three rounds of Call of Duty with me afterward”

They wouldn’t be romantic often but like highkey? I can see them throwing themselves into the line of fire for each other with a recklessness only they could survive

We can’t forget that Spencer is a more than 60,000-year-old overpowered demon/god/entity/thing, which, yes, could throw a slight wrench in this ship for multiple reasons, but I choose to make angst out of it instead.

Side note: Ghost is a chronic conspiracy theorist (and you can’t tell me otherwise) and every once in awhile Spencer will offhandedly say something like “Y’know I helped the Egyptians build the pyramids” and Ghost just goes fucking feral.

Look, I’m not saying Spencer IS touch-starved and most likely has issues creating and developing relationships and therefore avoids interpersonal connection, especially offline, but I AM saying he is prime material for it. (thats a lie thats exactly what shes saying don’t believe it) (I’m projecting okay dont judge me) (loser imagine projecting)

Imagine with me for a second: Why does Spencer willingly stay with a family who locks him in their basement with only minor complaining? He’s a near all-powerful entity just released into the world for Spence’s-sake - If he wanted to, there’s no telling what havoc he could wreak! So why doesn’t he? Why would someone so powerful, so terrifying, so dangerous that a group of people decided to seal him away forever stay with the first family he finds in sub-par conditions for years - especially someone who’s seen to be as high-maintenance as Spencer? Let me hit you with a theory: He’s chasing the feelings of validation, safety, and love - no matter how rarely it’s shown - that a family can provide. Being socially isolated for even a few years can do a number to a person’s psyche (I should know, I’m projecting onto this character right now), let alone thousands.

Now maybe Ghost can’t match thousands of years in isolation, but damn if he doesn’t have a few years of crippling loneliness on his record too.

I can see the two of them learning how to be vulnerable around others together, emotionally and physically; learning how to open up and how to talk through issues; and some third point, because points are better in threes.

(May I suggest that these losers are both trans but thats just me adding in my own projection lmao)

(You absolutely may)

Imagine the conversation thats just “so i have a murderer in my head thats an ass” “rip to u ig sounds like a you problem :///”

imo spence has trouble expressing emotions other than like,,, annoyance and haughtiness, its like sort of his go-to defence, so showing Ghost his emotions is a big step for him

I hear you, and i say yes good. (found this one headcanon that i kinda live by where he was uh, either autistic or adhd i dont remember but theres that too) OH yeah that would be at thing huh. Spencer: *is emotionally vulnerable @ ghost* ghost: oh shit im trusted??? Oh fuck uh.

Yeah so like…. Ghost and spence showing emotion at eachother is kind of :flushed: ghost be like: whats an emotion. Imagine having emotions fuciiing loser hhaha,,,, *laughs nervously*

Ghost is also very emotionally distant with most people so it would probably be like “what??? The fuck?? Emotions?????? You have those???”

Ghost and Spencer be like *gay*

So another idea is that maybe Spencer realizes Ghost doesnt play any games [like the uncultured SWINE he is] and decides he must [remedy] this and so he introduces him to like, nintendo first. (some bitches thought that said nintendo fortnite. Im bitches) and theyre playing like, mario kart or smash or smth and Ghost gets really [fuckin into it]

Ghost and spencer: *literally in eachothers laps playing fucking wii tennis*

Spooker: what are the- *TOAST FUCKING SLAPS A HAND ACROSS HIS MOUTH* shut up you dont wanna know what happens when its mentsonssbfdjfsd (sorry i had a stroke uwuwuwuw)

(Theyre in denial we don’t judge in this house)

They will not hesitate to play dirty either, they will straight up push each other over and vaguely flirt

Ghost is losing and straight up fucking goes “ur hot” and spencer actually dies and boom ghost is the winner. sparkle emoji Magic sparkle emoji

“I am Not a HomoSexual:™:” “Yeah, sure you aren’t” “Screw off”

Pet-names-ish: Asshole, Gaymer-Boy, casual insults, Mr. Spirit Bitch, Mistake, Loves Ghosts More Than His Boyfriend What A Fucking Loser aka Gay-ass

Pros:

They both open up a lot most likely. Gain someone to trust since they’ve sort of been through the same things (though on much different scales)

I can see soft hours of hanging in each other’s bedrooms

Spencer is a tsundere you cant tell me otherwise youre just a coward if you disagree

So is Ghost so this can only go well

Every time Ghost has to solve a case at the Acachallas Spence is just peaking out from his basement like “the fuck is this?? Hot Man??????”

Enemies to lovers 500k (Gets Hot and Steamy :flushed: NOT CLICKBAIT!!!!11!!!!! 18+!!!!!!! GAY LOVE StORY!!!!!!) Lemonz!!! Made from teh Sexiest of Wattpaders UWUWUWU YAOI Boys Love don’t like don’t read!! (this is so fucking stupid jkfnd) I hate this with a passion Q^Q. All my years of being a basic watpad fanboy have helped me to the moment i bring maddie to tears

The steam is just like,,,,, holding hands and being angy all the fuckin time the steam is literal because their anger translates into actual steam

Cons:

Their angst has nowhere to go and it just sits between them like two raccoons at a dumpster-style mexican standoff

They really start off hating each other huh. Like, I know this can still lead to healthy relationships but neither of them are very good at healthy relationships with people he hasn’t known for his Whole Life so that’s an Oh No.

They totally feed off of each other’s stupidity (but this could be seen as a pro too so take that as you will) as well as anger - im talking one-upping each other kinda shit

Its ridiculous honestly how intense it gets, like they straight up need intervention sometimes because they dont realize they can just STOP

Conclusions:

I think this would be a relationship that would that a lot of time and hard work to make work, but i think in the end it would be really super cute!! Like it would make no fuckin sense to anyone else but somehow they’d understand each other and help each other through their similar issues. Also theyre both big nerds in different ways and i think they’d have just ranting sessions back and forth over and over and it would be soft!!!!! So yeah, i think it would work, at least, i want it to :D

So. Maybe?? I feel like it could, but they’d need to work pretty hard to make it healthy and not constant fighting. Could be stupid amounts of cute and wholesome but also could be stupid amounts of oh no and pain, depending on how the two act. If they learned how to get along with each other and work past their differences it could be super cute and soft. Just a very, er, bumpy beginning. And middle. And end. (this makes me very nervous,,,,why did you mention an end) (wouldnt you like to know weather boy) (TvT) UFDUNS bumpy but soft . Agreeing with the loser gay, want this to work it’d be interesting :3