#holy fuck i love agatha christie

[maicrowave]

But we were fucking right though

i'm assuming this ask is about the following post bc i got it a few hours after posting this:

I said, "lets plz not make speculating about dnps gender identity the new speculating about dnps sexuality".

And this response is, "But we were fucking right though".

holy shit this is insensitive.

being right did not make it okay.

yes, people looked for proof, found it, and were right… at the cost of Dan's mental health. Phil hasn't talked about it as much, but I can't imagine it was fun for him either. Did you watch "Basically I'm Gay"? Give it a re-watch, will you? Dan and Phil aren't characters; our curiosity can hurt them.

Being Right Did Not Make It Okay.

contemplate all you want, joke all you want, but please for the love of god do not start trying to prove things like we are in an Agatha Christie novel. whether you're right or wrong, all this does is put pressure on Dan and Phil to define themselves, and they may not want to do that.

this applies to pretty much any other "proof"-based speculation about their real lives, also.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Doctor Who, but Chronologically 30

Okay OKAY so we have just watched the Christmas Armistice of 1914, but now we move on to one of my favourite episodes of ALL TIME. In fact, full disclosure, this is one of my favourite TV episodes of anything ever. This is one of my go-to options for comfort TV. If I’m ill and sad and cwtched up on the sofa, this is in the Emergency Elanor First Aid Kit. I love it. I love it so much that I will not be quoting any of it, because if I do, I will be posting the whole script. You cannot imagine the extent to which I had to sit on my hands so I wouldn’t do a full episode review accidentally.

It is 1926, my friends, and this is the Unicorn and the Wasp.

Tennant and Donna are back!!!! DREAM TEAM. We haven’t seen them since they were running around Pompei in episode one, my lord that was a while back now. And Jesus, what a return to quality. The companions have been failing the Sexy Lamp Test for so long. The only break was Martha in the Human Nature two-parter, and that was an emotional wringer. But here!!! Donna!!! You could NEVER replace her with a sexy lamp. She is 1000% the co-protagonist. She and Tennant are best friends and they love each other intensely and platonically and they travel through time and SOLVE CRIME while being, at all moments and seconds of every single scene, two halves of a whole idiot, and it is joyful and wonderful and amazing.

Okay okay so

They land in a country manor in England, a part expertly played by Llansannor Court in Wales if I’m not much mistaken, and the interiors are 1000% Tredegar House because I know my Welsh country manors. The Doctor and Donna get ludicrously excited about going to a garden party in 1926, all giggly. They even go and get dressed up, by which I mean Donna does – she exits the TARDIS and gives a twirl.

“What do you think?” she teases. “Flapper, or slapper?”

“Flapper, definitely,” the Doctor beams. “You look lovely.”

… I am having violent flashbacks to Capaldi calling Clara ugly.

Anyway they meet Agatha Christie in time for an honest-to-god murder mystery. It’s fucking phenomenal. It’s silly and camp and the murderer is a giant wasp, except in true Agatha Christie style, there’s a complicated twist involving a secret pregnancy, an expensive gem, the hot young woman (played by her from Rogue One) actually being an accomplished jewel thief impersonating a socialite, and a prodigal reverend. One of these people is the aforementioned giant wasp, except the joyful sci-fi plot is really running around a playground with a balloon and giggling, so it has been primed to kill people in libraries with lead piping like a Cluedo game.

I literally cannot list every moment I love. It’s just too many. So I shall try to name check some top moments:

“MAIDEN”

“It was a good once”

“I am Inspector Smith from Scotland Yard, and Miss Noble is the plucky young girl who helps me”

“Copyright Donna Noble”

“Major snap out of it. No, right out of it –“

“HOW IS HARVEY WALLBANGER ONE WORD”

The ENITRE reveal scene holy shit

“Ah, let’s see, it’s filed under C” *box contains a Cyberman part, a Carrionite egg, a bust of Caesar, and cables*

Fuck. I just. *clenches fist* I love this episode so damn much

Okay so plot threads. Well! No new info about Donna’s back, unfortunately, so nothing to tick off there. Only, as ever, things to add. There’s a scene where Donna is comforting Agatha (and finding vital clues), and she explains that her last partner ran off with a giant spider. That’s a hell of a thing. Oh, also Donna made her second reference to bees disappearing. But that’s it.

Fuck me but I would burn so much Capaldi for so much more Tennant/Donna.

Anyway the list of plot threads is now going under a read more, Christ on wheels

“She” (an unknown person) is returning (perhaps River returned as Missy. Maybe Me? Maybe Clara???!)

There is something on Donna’s back

An entire planet, Pyrovilia, just… disappeared, somehow. (Maybe because the TARDIS is exploding??? Saturnine was also lost, and that WAS because of the TARDIS exploding. The lion man’s planet was also lost but he was a bit of a knob about it if I’m honest.)

Amy is maybe dead (she’s not)

The Doctor has been cubed (he’s out, but how?)

River is possibly blown up  (unless she’s Missy)

The TARDIS has blown up  (It’s fine now. Except it’s sort of melting now because it’s corrupted, but it’s fine again)

The universe appears to have ended  (the universe is back again)

The Doctor has employed(?) Nardole

(And Nardole was “reassembled???” Nardole had glass nipples and invisible hair?? WHAT THE FUCK IS HE)

There’s a vault in the TARDIS and it contains Missy but we don’t know why (sometimes she knocks for the bants)

What has happened to all these companions and where are the new ones coming from?

There’s an immortal Viking girl now. Her name is Me and she’s now looking after the people the Doctor abandons

What’s With The Silence?

Why was Rory entirely unconcerned by the entire world suddenly going silent when that is Not Normal and should have been, at the very least, extremely disconcerting?

What did the Doctor do to Queen Lizzie One?

Who is Captain Jack Harkness? (Is he the one who gave the companions a warning about the lone cyberman?)

Why is Amy seeing a one-eyed woman in a vanishing window?

What’s with the Doctor’s future involving getting shot by an astronaut?

Is Amy pregnant and why is it inconclusive?

Who is Sarah-Jane Smith?

How is the Doctor Bill’s teacher and why/where does he have an office?

What is going on with the Cyber War and the Cyberium???

Who did the Doctor lose to Cyber Conversion?

What happened with the Other Cyber War?

What happened with the Third War that deleted the void?

Why does Rose seem particularly important?

What’s with the Weeping Angel statues, and why can’t you blink at them?

What order do these Doctors go in? (Eccleston, Tennant, uncertain, Smith, Capaldi, Whittaker)

Which companion just… forgot the Doctor, and how?

Yaz and Vinder are about to die as Mori/Mwri/Muuri

There is a Lupari shield around Earth.

What’s a Time War?

What’s the Rift?

What’s Bad Wolf?

What happened with Amy’s pregnancy?

In which war did the Doctor become a war criminal, and how?

Who is the Master?

Why has Amy forgotten Rory?

Is Rory plastic or not?

Why is the Doctor sulking on a cloud?

How exactly does the Doctor have a cloud?

What exactly happened with Strax to, uh, tame him?

Which friend killed Strax?

Which friend brought Strax back?

Where did this lesbian lizard and human couple come from?

What happened with Clara as Souffle Girl and the Daleks?

How does Clara actually join?

Why so many Claras?

Why is Missy apparently in robo-heaven?

Why is probably!Missy pushing Clara and the Doctor together?

What is Trensilor and what happened there?

Who is Handles?

The Doctor is about to be dissolved by a beautiful geode man

The universe is being crushed by the Flux

Will the Doctor open the fobwatch?

Sontarans are invading Earth again

Who is Kate?

Who is Osgood? Another name of Clara’s again?

The fuck is the deal with the Grand Serpent

Does Martha get to go to an ice cream planet with 12-fingered massage aliens?

How did the Doctor forget Clara?

Who is Bill’s puddle girlfriend Heather?

How did Nardole die?

When does Bill get Cyberman-ed and die?

When does the Doctor shrink and enter a Dalek called Rusty?

Whittaker is falling to her death rn

Was that ring relevant?

Does anyone know the Doctor’s name?

When did Yaz talk to Dan about fancying the Doctor?

When did Dan talk to the Doctor about fancying Yaz?

Who was the Doctor’s wife?

What's happening with the bees?

What happened with Donna's ex and a giant spider?

[diabolik-lovers-things]

⋆⭒˚｡⋆ FIRST POST ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

⋆⭒˚｡⋆

hello !! i'm a long time lurker here at tumblr, but it's been a while since i posted/made any new sideblogs. you can call me anna ! i'm a girl obv, and also a minor [16-18] so pls don't be creepy !!

i recently got into diabolik lovers and watched the first season of the anime as well as gameplay of haunted dark bridal. if it's not obvious, my favourite character is kanato !! i haven't been very involved with the fandom yet but i see a lot of hate for him which is sad :(

more about this blog -- my main fandom is diabolik lovers !! i'm no artist and barely a writer, but i can make memes, headcanons, quotes and things like that !! as well as rambles and stuff about the series. i'm not interested in any characters other than yui and the sakamaki brothers, so if you expect content for anyone else from me i'm sorry to let you down.

i'll add some more stuff abt me below :}

fandoms ::

-- diabolik lovers [obv]

-- danganronpa

-- hetalia

-- doki doki literature club

-- yandere simulator

-- future diary

-- omori

-- higurashi when they cry

-- mystic messenger

-- shiki [second best vampire anime after DL imo]

hobbies ::

-- writing [kinda? procrastination is my worst enemy hhhhhhh]

-- cycling

-- learning abt history//geography

-- listening to music [brb js gonna look for a kanato playlist]

-- making fun of americans

-- baking

my fav music artists/bands ::

-- marina (and the diamonds)

-- melanie martinez

-- mitski

-- kikuo

-- lana del rey

-- abba

my fav authors ::

-- agatha christie

-- donna tartt

-- fyodor dostoevsky

my ranking of DL boys ::

-- kanato is obv number one, i rly love his more feminine design and i believe we need more characters that look like him in media. maybe bc my type is more feminine boys but idk. i love his personality asw he's batshit insane and needs immediate professional help. underrated

-- subaru is a surprising one for me, as i often forgot he existed while watching the anime but his route in hdb was rly cute and he's such a tsun tsun which is adorable

-- a few yrs ago reiji was EXACTLY my type and i still appreciate his character archetype quite a lot. he's also one of the meanest of the brothers i love that abt him (i would cry on the spot if he scolded me)

-- shu is pretty cute and i rly like his personality as well. he also has his weird moments like everyone else but i think he had the closest thing to a healthy relationship w yui so that's cool. he's also super relatable

-- laito was actually my second favourite before hdb, but holy fucking shit is his route messed up. the anime did NOT do a good job portraying how deranged this man is. i still like him but his constant horniness and raging misogyny [more so than the others] are huge turnoffs

-- ayato was always pretty low on the list, and after seeing his route my opinion didn't change much. i don't dislike anything in particular abt him, he's just not the type of character i usually like. i don't rly like him with yui either for that reason, so yeah

other ::

-- i rly wanna travel to a lot of places

-- i'm a huge planner when it comes to things, but when the time comes i never follow the plan i spent so much time on,,,

-- i love cats !!

-- i think i'm aroace but i might be biromantic

-- my fav type of weather is cold//rainy//snowy weather

-- my fav food is schnitzel and my fav dessert is crêpes [also my fav fruit is apples]

-- i love making ocs

DNI list ::

-- racists//xenophobes

-- misogynists

-- homophobes

-- pedos//other weirdos of that type

-- furries

-- incels

-- yandev supporters//apologists

-- kanato haters//yui haters

-- people younger than 13//older than 30

-- rhythm game fans

-- 4chan users

-- twitter users

that's it for now !! ty for reading this far <3

[turdle]

Just finished the new season of WWDITS and it was so much fun as always but oh my god THOSE LAST TWO EPISODES. Well the end of penultimate episode and the last episode to be specific. Okay so in bullet list form:

-I got CHILLS when the Guide let slip about Guillermo ‘taking matters into his own hands’ about becoming a vampire. I actually gasped. And the fact that Nandor, known for being the dumbest fuck of the group, IMMEDIATELY picked up on that and refused to let everyone else change the subject.

-The ACTING of Guillermo deciding to actually just tell Nandor outright what happened, and then Nandor’s reaction to this?? Holy shit forgot I was watching a silly comedy for a hot sec.

-Look I’m just gonna say it, Nandor’s heartbroken rage at this news? HOT. The way he fucking GROWLED ‘it is relevant to me’ when Guillermo insisted it wasn’t relevant who had turned him? And then the way Nandor roared his name whilst gripping the silver bars despite it burning him when Guillermo flew away??

😮‍💨 PHEW!

-I laughed so hard that it was fucking NANDOR the doorknob who was the the one to IMMEDIATELY figure out that it’s the Van Helsing blood keeping Guillermo from being a full vampire? Lazlo’s ‘you live and learn!’ sent me that was so great

-I also gasped when Nandor answered the phone instead of Guillermo’s mama. Like obviously he wasn’t gonna kill Guillermo or his mum but the TENSION? And the way Guillermo immediately went to him because he loves his mummyyy.

-Talking about tension, that scene with Nandor holding Guillermo’s stake to his own neck? Ooof

-And I just loved the whole faux ceremony thing to get Guillermo to realise for himself that he isn’t ready to be a vampire.

Anyway other stuff:

- Lazlo’s development this season? He was so SOFT? Especially in the last episode; like the relationship between him and Guillermo was so nice?? The look on his face directed at the camera after Nandor kills Derek for Guillermo? The way he helped Guillermo save Derek, I did not see that coming. And the little speech he was gonna say to Guillermo (before he got distracted by porn lmao) about knowing him since he was young? He is such a great character I love himmm

- I loved the Guide getting to say her piece whilst being fucking hilarious. The whole Agatha christie vibes of the penultimate episode was so great. ‘Oh fuck it they don’t all have to be clever’ whilst doing away with the pretence and just sending Colin down to a cage was SO funny.

- The Baron being scary again for 5 minutes was great loved that, and loved that it ended with him being like yeah you know what I’m soft too now this was an overreaction my bad.

All in all so much fun and the last two episodes just had me on the edge of my fucking SEAT.

[waxwing-saint]

5 books and 5 fics

@lumosatnight, I may have tweaked your tag game, but I’m just as curious about people’s fic choices as I am their book choices. (consider yourself tagged for your 5 fic picks)

Books

And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie. It’s a classic for a reason. I read it probably too young and it jump-started my lifelong obsession with both Agatha Christie and isolated closed-circle mysteries.

If Not Winter fragments of Sappho translated by Anne Carson. Listen, I am a renowned sapphist. I am a sapphist in the deep aching longing kind of way, in the fleeting touches kind of way, in the openly watching each other across a crowded room kind of way. Anne Carson understands this vibe in a way no other Sappho translator does.

Her Body and Other Parties by Carmen Maria Machado. I love short stories, but the problem with short story collections is that there’s always one or two bangers and the rest are mid. All of these are bangers. While it’s true that some are slightly less bangery than others, every short story in this collection is incredible, haunting, painfully well-written. Like I just don’t have words for how good it is and I’ve been trying to find the words since the day I started reading it.

Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield. I see people who read this book in like three hours and I am confused and disturbed. This is not a long book, but I don’t know how to talk to anyone who can manage this book in under a month. The current record in my friend group is 29 days, which is frankly impressive. Reading this book is a lot like trying to look at an eldritch being—it is equal parts intoxicating and dismantling; the prose is so painfully beautiful, the grief and frustration so true to life, that you have to put it down after a few pages. And that’s the story of how it took me two months to read a 240 page book.

Story of Your Life by Ted Chiang. Is it cheating to include a short story? Who knows, I’m making the rules. This is my favorite short story of all time, and it is available in a collection with many other decent short stories (big props to Hell is the Absence of God) but none of them come close to this one, so much so that including the collection to rec this story feels disingenuous. There is something so special about a piece of art being created perfectly in the perfect medium. Would The Lament for Icarus slap so hard if it wasn’t a painting, but a novel? Could Artemisia Gentileschi have captured Judith fucking wrecking Holofernes in a gif? Both would be beautiful and poignant still, but it wouldn’t be the same. Story of Your Life needs the short story medium to do what it does best. Arrival was a good movie, but it lacked so much of the nuance found in the source material. (For further reading, please see the stage play The Last Five Years)

Fics

Spindle, Spire by @summerlightning. I don’t know why this is such a hard sell, maybe it’s the fandom or the fact it’s only available on tumblr, but of all the fics I rec this is the one the fewest people check out. Listen to the words coming out of my mouth: this. is. the. best. fic. i. have. ever. read. I would never fuck with you on this. You don’t need to know anything about the fandom or characters, leave this list, go read it (and then hmu so we can scream about it). I reread this fic at least twice a year. The aesthetic alone is enough to send me to an untimely demise. It is gritty, it is fucking gross, it is undeniably beautiful, it is a masterclass in writing with a strong narrative voice. There are pieces of this that haunt me to this day (“There’s another breakroom but it’s a scummy pond, mostly, and the cabinets fell off the walls long ago and rest in the water now like bloated wooden alligators with rusty hinges for teeth.”) shut up don’t fucking talk to me.

Watchers by a whole mess of incredible people. The Buffy spin off that was at times better than Buffy itself. And holy shit I go to this site all the time to read old episodes or feel nostalgic and shit and when I went to grab the link for this post I saw they’re planning new content. Fucking catch me screaming lads. Will be monitoring this sitchiation closely.

Ballads by @lipzlipzlipz. If we’ve spoken for more than forty-five seconds I’ve already reced this series to you(and I’ve also already told you to read it in post order not chronological order). Here I am recing it again and until my dying breath. Sometimes people make indulgent mistakes and then continue to make the same indulgent mistakes as they destroy themselves and all of their loved ones for one more chance to make that mistake all over again. Is it busted and bloody heartbreak? It is. Is it also the realest tragedy I’ve ever seen? It sure fuckin is babes.

Personal Jesus by @perfectly--random. This is the best fic I read last year, period, end of fucking sentence. It is a fic I think where it’s better to go into blind, so I’m not going to say anymore, but please someone come talk to me about this I’m dying.

Of Blood & Carnations by @rice-and-beans. This is the best fic I’ve read this year, period, end of fucking sentence. I’ve read a lot of excellent fics this year but I cannot imagine a world in which 2024 comes and this isn’t still the best fic I read this year. It’s so good that I can’t breathe when I think about it. It’s giving you Prometheus Bound and that’s all I’ll say about it because it’s another fic you should go into blind but take off the blindfold and peep the tags fist babes because she’s a doozy and you shouldn’t be unprepared. All that to say, beans cannot miss, hit up that author page and read them all, every one is a banger. This is the juice. This is the mineral the girlies crave.

Now. I limited my fics to completed works but if I hadn’t I’d have been struggling to fit in Danse Avec la Vie and Of Gods, Kings, and Men both by @sosh022, who I know can, in fact, finish a fic (contrary to popular opinion) and I can’t wait to one day have a headache fitting both of them into a list not unlike this one.

As per tag game rules I am required by law to offer up sacrifices to the altar so please tell your mothers not to draw me a bath only to stab me in the neck (I had a war to win). @sosh022 @lipzlipzlipz @perfectly--random @flyingpoptart @rachelc978 @drabsyo @terra-wisp actually you know what anyone. If you see this on your dash, consider yourself tagged m8 😤

[jerrydevine]

ok movie may rankingsssss its quite frankly soooo fucking long so i put it under a read more :) MWAH

31. moonage daydream 2022 um so when todd haynes basically said that reagan being in power was david bowies fault in velvet goldmine i get what he was saying when i watched the second half of this. it was so annoying listening to bowie talk about how he was like crazyyyy back then now hes normal (annoying and not in a fun way) boo

30. ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous stains 1982. ok this was actually a flop i wanted to like it so bad but i did not. boo

29. the daytrippers 1996. this was such a movie my indie snob cousin loves. it kind of felt like a long ass seinfeld episode. sorry women. the gay reveal was not. fun. it was 90s straight people trying to do a twist :/

28. muppet treasure island 1996 was ok. it was no the great muppet caper ..

27. spontaneous 2020 i did cry because of this movie i thought it was just gonna be a silly heheh good bad movie but i did cry. and they played forth of july sufjan stevens :(

all the movies after here i would rewatch and i liked :) i had a good movie may !!

26. descendants 2 2017 was not as good as descendants 1 or 3 to me now .. but thats ok they literally had chillin like a villain and the letterkenny guy

25. descendants 3 2019. hmmm i wanna keep her by descendants 2 just so theyre not lonely in this list. the plot was like ok mal having to do her morality thing again thats ok. evie was soooooo izzy lightwood and her loser ass march band boyfriend was sooo simon :)

24. murder on the orient express 1974 was better than death on the nile 1978 and there was a character with my name :) but i think i do not care as much about agatha christie mysteries as i thought i would. thats ok :)

23. arrival 2016 is prob one of the first times i knew about the specific field of the protag and it made me so mad because i spent the whole movie like. she would not fucking do that. she would not say that. come on. and of course the u.s. propaganda was like a frontal migraine but i guess it was good

22. the handmaiden 2016. why didnt anyone tell me about. you know. the plot of the movie. great lesbian sex but what the hell wasall that. 

21. donnie darko 2001 was like ok what . fine ok whatever

20. emma 1996 holy shit i watched a lot of 1996 movies this month. ummmmm ewan was there and it was literally emma. what more do you want me to say. it was good ish :P

19. dungeons & dragons: honor among thieves 2023 was so long no movie should be longer than 2 hours but it did feel like playing d&d with my buddies and sophia lillis was there :')

18. i know what you did last summer 1997. its like none of you even care that kevin williamson who wrote this AND scream 1996 is literally a gay ass homosexual man. and my friend.

17. red army 2014. i feel like this should be its own other thing because it was just a movie i would watch at 15 to learn as much about hockey as humanly possible. and not for fun for like mental illness reasons. anyway hockey :)

16. crip camp: a disability revolution 2020 is like red army 2014 like. informative and interesting documentary ! not able to rank it with fiction films i dont think so dont take its spot too seriously.

15. poison 1991. dont worry about it im just studying todd haynes and this movie was not as good as other movies i watched this month but actually its the best movie ever after velvet goldmine. or not its not in my top 3 todd movies of all time but thats ok it still set up many of the things he talks about in his later films esp the connection between the horror section and safe 1995 :)

14. the secret world of arrietty 2010. i didnt watch this until this year bc it was released just after when i would sit down and watch a new little ghibli movie. i wanted to rewatch totoro more than watch new ones.but it WAS the borrowers sooo fun :)

13. monty python and the holy grail 1975. they made lancelot soooooooo ugly which was like a joke in itself to me because lancelot would never look like that. but umm yeah my dad loves this movie and so many little jokes i thought were just family jokes were actually from this movie hehehe

12. the great muppet caper 1981 literally had peter falk in it and they knew they were in a silly movie and they kept saying kermit and fozzie were twins it was so silly and fun :)

11. seven up! 1964. british people getting studied is literally so real and true. i cant wait to continue in the series and see how these kids change.. 

10. some like it hot 1959. I NEED TO WATCH MORE MARILYN MONROE MOVIES ASAP BTW THIS MOVIE ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. this is spinal tap 1984. ummm yeah this was good. very good even. and christopher guest from my movies was there doing a horrible accent it was awesome :)

8. dottie gets spanked 1993. okok this is my todd haynes auteur studies and it is such a short film that foreshadows his future work i love you forever and ever my best friend todd haynes :D!!!!!!!!!!

7. videodrome 1983 had crazyyyyyyyyyyyy special effects i enjoyed the blowing up bodies and the tvs trying to kill you and the toronto..

6. big eden 2000 i wish they didnt have that whole plot with his high school bestie that was annoying and not whimsy but everything else and i mean EVERYTHING else was sooooo good and beautiful and i love you movie

5. elvira's haunted hills 2001 YIPPEE ELVIRA!!!!!!! RIFF RAFF WAS THERE!!! she talked like she was still a 2000s california girl but in 1850s europe it was awesome

4. rye lane 2023 was sooooo good and love is real and i need to go to england or i will die . woah that was an anglophile ass sentence but its true.

3. stardust 2007 YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO basically thats it. it was a movie that loves whimsy and the power of love. beth please watch it i mean it you would love it soooooo much 

2. the watermelon woman 1996 i love you lesbians i love you movies i love you movie lesbians. everyone should watch it its soooo good

1. velvet goldmine 1998 my best friend forever of course no one could be better <33

[kattahj]

My Agatha Christie Re-Reading Project, #36: Sparkling Cyanide

This was one of my childhood favourites, so it's hard to come at it with fresh eyes. Re-reading at my current age does change some things, though, like how I sit here going, "Holy fuck, Iris, you are nowhere near old enough to be ready for a guy like Anthony Browne!" I mean, I get it. Man's attractive, even on paper. But as a first love for a sheltered teenager, he's a bit more than I think she's ready to handle.

(Sidenote: I looked up the Wikipedia page, and apparently there's an adaptation starring Anthony Andrews in the role. Which, um. Fucking Ivanhoe? Yeah, that… doesn't work at all, even disregarding the fact that Anthony Browne is visually very Mediterranean.)

Anyway. To the main story. I like the way we bounce around all the different characters' POV, even though Christie is a bit sloppy with it – there are bits where we get the internal thoughts of characters who are not the POV character.

The plot works fairly well, though it does depend on disguise to an extent that is perhaps not entirely convincing. Still, I like that Christie isn't going for the obvious choice of murderer, and makes a plausible cause for everyone to be a suspect.

I do feel bad for Rosemary, this time around, not just for dying but for how harshly she is judged by everyone around her. She's not a bad person, she's just stupid and selfish.

When I was a child, I couldn't understand how Stephen could be a Liberal "by predilection" yet join the Labour party one moment and the Conservatives the next. Now, it seems entirely plausible for a career-chaser like him, though it doesn't exactly make me think higher of him.

Colonel Race as the detective is a bit anonymous, and seems to mostly be there because someone has to fill the role. The whole detective aspect is toned down, anyway – it's neither he nor Chief Inspector Kemp who cracks the case, and they only get enough evidence by interrupting a murder as it's about to happen. But I kind of like that there isn't always a strong detective character. Break free of those restraints!

I admit it's a bit iffy to have Christie sing the praises of "imperial building" military just back from South Africa, but that's par for the course for these novels. (And she's very critical of people just drifting around the Empire for funsies and small-time crookery, like Victor Drake. Gotta have order to the exploitation!)

Altogether, a solid book, though perhaps not the most likely one to lure in a first-time Christie reader.

Verdict: 3/5

Next up: The Hollow, which I must have read once, back when I bought it, but don't remember at all.

[tailsrevane]

2022 in review, part 5: novel first reads

my top ten favorite first reads of this year! more or less! idk it’s harder for me to rank books than other kinds of media sometimes, i feel like. i did my best.

1. wolfsong by t.j. klune (2015)

i already wrote a very long review of this so i’m not gonna rehash it here, but yeah this is a gay werewolf book with a very unique/artistic writing style and i’m pretty sure the main character is literally otherkin. (they don’t use the word “otherkin” but his experiences line up so well it’s kind of scary.) obviously i’m a fan.

2. wolf-speaker by tamora pierce (1994)

omfg i need to get back to this series i love tamora pierce’s writing style so much. i keep alternating between kicking myself that i didn’t read these as a kid & celebrating the fact that i get to read them all now. but, yeah, i need to get back to this series. and her stuff in general.

3. any way the wind blows by rainbow rowell (2021)

this is far & away the best book of the simon snow series. it’s just such a godsdamned satisfying ending.

i mean, okay, i do find it a little off-putting that i’m meant to believe that penny is heterosexual, but we can’t win ‘em all. but also we get to see her rules lawyer a fucking demon??? and be a stone cold badass in the process? so i can’t really complain about how that went.

the writing of simon & baz’s intimacy with each other was fucking sublime. it was so heartful & honest, i just ached for them.

i’m a little disappointed that this was such a definitive ending because i could’ve kept following these characters for like a dozen more books, but honestly it was such a perfect ending it’s kind of hard to argue with it.

4. birth of the firebringer by meredith ann pierce (1985)

yeah i can’t imagine what i found appealing about the unicorn book with narration from what feels like an awfully authentic animal headspace whose culture is SUPER pagan and where the main perils are 1) vore, 2) mind control, 3) literally a tornado. just truly drawing a blank here.

5. wayward son by rainbow rowell (2019)

i’m so glad the harry potter books never did an american roadtrip because holy shit it would have been insufferable. this, on the other hand, is brilliant.

everyone at ren fairs is apparently actually a witch or supernatural creature? vampires run las vegas? techbros are trying to contract vampirism for incredibly dumb reasons? yes, yes, yes. perfect.

6. star trek: discovery: dead endless by dave galanter (2019)

we gays are so powerful, you guys. i mean, the fucking butterfly effect of the awful season 1 of discovery unironically employing the bury your gays trope resulting in us ending up with this profic au where culber’s ghost finds his way onto a discovery commanded by a michael burnham who never mutineed and has family dinners with fleet captain georgiou & surrogate sibling saru, and he just immediately starts making out with au stamets who starts working on bending the laws of physics to the will of his multiverse gay love story.

sometimes profic is just fanfic with resources & a stamp of legitimacy, and when it is it’s glorious.

7. star trek: discovery: fear itself by james swallow (2018)

the discovery novels are shockingly good. like, this one is so action packed while also being such a great character study of saru. it honestly surpasses what the show was doing contemporaneously. i’d really like to see more comics or novels set on the shenzhou.

8. murder on the orient express by agatha christie (1934)

this was almost certainly hindered by the fact that i had seen so many adaptations of it by the time i read it that i felt like i had already read it, but i nevertheless enjoyed it quite a bit and am eager to read more mystery novels (and christie novels specifically.)

9. lunatic fringe by allison moon (2011)

patient worldbuilding, imperfect but well-meaning characters having mostly (mostly) good-faith conflicts over strategy, and L E S B I A N   W E R E W O L V E S. yeah, that’ll work.

10. blood and chocolate by annette curtis klause (1997)

this book’s picture is in the dictionary under “problematic fave,” but this really is delightful if you can get past all the ways in which it’s awful. and i can, clearly.

[foxstens]

WAS ANYONE GONNA FCING TELL ME THERES A TGCF AUDIO DRAMA

[widonotts]

Okay, look. Overall, I am glad to have stepped back from Tumblr and fandom. While I miss the friends I’ve made, and I miss the gifs and art and meta and memes, there’s too much going on in my life to let myself get sucked into it right now.

That said.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHO WAS GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT HEADLESS??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER WOULD HAVE LEARNED ABOUT THIS SO LATE IF I HADN’T LEFT AND I CAN’T BELIEVE MYSELF. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. OH MY GOD. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS EVERYTHING AND I’M SO UPSET I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT IT SOONER. WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF I HAVEN’T MISSED OUT ON ANYTHING I CAN’T CATCH UP ON ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT THE KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN IS STILL LIVE.

The CAST??? HOLY SHIT. I thought Poe Party was star-studded and I am fucking STUNNED. I mean, for starters, Sean, Sinead, Mary Kate & Sarah are all inspirations in everything they’ve done, and I adore the TCB + Starkid extended crossover families so much, and they’ve brought back so many icons Shipwrecked’s worked with previously, and then KRYSTINA ARIELLE???????? GINNY DI??? MATTHEW??!! FUCKING??!!!!?! MERCER????!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!??????!?!!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And putting aside all of THAT, which is so very hard to put aside, I simply cannot stress how fucking elated I am to see more of the Persauds’ work adapting classic literature. It is my entire niche. It is the most accurate single representation of my sense of humor and interests. It’s so FUCKING good. I’m so excited. I’m gonna cry. Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god.

......P.S.: Since most people following me have come from CR, if you don’t know Shipwrecked, do yourself a favor and watch every piece they’ve ever made please god. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve made a friend sit down and watch Edgar Allan Poe’s Murder Mystery Dinner Party and every single one has adored it.

(.............................And then go donate to the Kickstarter so they’ll reach the stretch goal of playing D&D with some of their D&D-associated cast members in addition to all the other incredible stretch goals!!)

[granma-sweetie]

hi yes so on my birthday my grandmother my brother and i went to hamburg right. and i actually discovered the best place in all of germany which is ✨thalia✨

it's this huge bookshop and oj my gods i love it so much

it has a lot of books right but also this section with things that aren't books and also a cafe thing??????? and a second floor???? but like i always went to the section with the books in english because im too stupid do read anything in german but like. they had heartstopper books. HEARTSTOPPER BOOKS and like pride things right next to them like dude i was going JASIJHDSJKHASJKDHGWA the whole time lookng at it but my grandmother was there so i couldn't really. anyway the english section DDUDE THEY HAD MADELINE MILLER AND THE CLASSIC SECTION WHERE I SAW THE MOST GORGEOUS COPIES OF DRACULA AND DORIAN GRAY AND FRANKENSTEIN ORIGINAL 1818 TEXT AND ASDHWHGFDCBEHBKGEIBHDBHKSKHBWKHBFKJBHCBN@!!@WJH!UHES@ AND SHERLOCK HOLMES AND AGATHA CHRISTIE AND JANE AUSTEN AND IYTS JUST ASJNHGBDFHSVBFHDVSB

so hwat i got i got circe (in english because in german it cost like three euros more lmao???? and i know english better)

what do i even need to say about this. this book is so fucking good. i dont know if youve read it but if you havent do it read it it made me cry like seven times

in my defense, telegonus

i also got two jane austen books (mansfield park and northanger abbey) and im reading mansfield park now im halfway through and its really good and i would die for edmund and i want to kick henry in the balls (btw. asshole henry other than henry wotton they should unite and we can kick them in the balls collectively) but also i accidentally spoiled the ending for myself through edmund's wikipedia page and now i don't really want to read it because like,,,, i mean,,,, i mean it's good but like they're cousins and they got married and like

idk man

but like its good and im excited to start northanger abbey afterwards because the main character is supposed to be obsessed with gothic lit and im like

oh thats me :D yes

so yes ajdnskbfve

i have a copy of circe that my former teacher gave me and i’ve been putting off reading for some reason but no longer. also hAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY MAN HOLY SHIT also KELSJDKSJD THE ATS SO COOL ALSKRKSJDKSJDJSJ!!!!!!!

[academicgangster]

Update: Presumed Innocent was not less depressing in daylight.

[fuckdamn]

2021 books

okay here’s a list of all the fiction books (rated and briefly reviewed so you can maybe decide if you want to read them 😳) and some of the non-fiction books i read this year (only some because i read a lot of theory for school so i’m not gonna include everything because some of it was whatever), because i had a really good reading year for the first time in a long time and it feels good to compile everything and be like wow i absorbed information :)

a comprehensive list of all the novels/short story collections i read for the first time this year

geek love by katherine dunn. 4.5/5, completely batshit, weirdly poignant and heart-wrenching

paul takes the form of a mortal girl by andrea lawlor. 5/5, like reading my soul in book form

the southern book club’s guide to slaying vampires by grady hendrix. 5/5, a legitimate masterpiece, absolutely bananas, everything you could want in a book

the pisces by melissa broder. 4/5, really well-written and engaging, depressed me a little

manhunting by jennifer crusie. 3/5, solid tropey 90s romcom novel, didn’t age super well but held my attention

we sold our souls by grady hendrix. 5/5, i think it tends to be underrated as far as his work goes, and i think kris pulaski is maybe my most favorite book protagonist of all time

horrorstör by grady hendrix. 4.5/5, shorter and not quite as intimate as some of his other work, still fucking brilliant

red white & royal blue by casey mcquiston. 4/5, i expected it to be one of those new adult books everyone raves over and i’m just like “meh,” but it was really fun and romantic (as long as you don't think about real-world politics while reading it)

fool by christopher moore. 3.5/5, fun, silly, characters were likeable, solid beach read. plot didn’t always hold my attention and i like lear, and the way it treats women isn't the worst thing ever but was a little jarring after a summer full of female authors and grady hendrix

and then there were none by agatha christie. 4/5, obviously a classic, breezed through it in a day, there's a reason she's like the best selling author of all time after jesus and shakespeare

baby teeth by zoje stage. 3.5/5, artful and for sure a page-turner, depressed me a lot

interior chinatown by charles yu. 5/5, relevant, unique, funny, wildly creative

the house in the cerulean sea by tj klune. 5/5, ultimate feel-good book, so sweet and full of heart

kabu kabu by nnedi okorafor. 4.5/5, i think it's a good idea to read her novels as well if you read this collection (to get a sense of her worldbuilding/lore since there is overlap beyond just actual folk stories), but oh my god her prose. gripping, witty, and each story is packed with a vitality and momentum that is very special

getting a life [published in the uk as hey yeah right get a life] by helen simpson. 4/5, a little depressing, but i liked how it centered the inner lives and ennui of affluent mothers because it reminded me of southern book club’s guide lol

my best friend's exorcism by grady hendrix. 5/5, holy shit i cried so hard at the ending, life-changing work as usual from king grady hendrix

(i'm currently reading the final girl support group by grady hendrix. it's good so far and i like it who could have predicted this)

a non-comprehensive list of the most impactful non-fiction/theory books/essay collections i read for the first time this year

testo junkie by paul preciado

life like dolls: the collector doll phenomenon and the lives of the women who love them by a.f. robertson

anti-oedipus: capitalism and schizophrenia by gilles deleuze and félix guattari

who's afraid of deleuze and guattari? by gregg lambert (a little outdated, but a good accompanying text for the above. also contains some fun slam-dunking on žižek if you're into that)

the autobiography of malcolm x by malcolm x and alex haley

paperbacks from hell by grady hendrix (oh you thought you'd be free from grady hendrix on the nonfiction list? think again babe)

horror to the extreme: changing boundaries in asian cinema edited by jinhee choi and mitsuyo wada-marciano

trans liberation: beyond pink or blue by leslie feinberg

dissemination by jacques derrida

honorable mention to #girlboss by sophia amoruso, which fucking sucked, but also feels like deep lore and a rosebud for understanding our current cultural moment, which i like to call the "post-#girlboss by sophia amoruso" era. in this essay i will

[solreefs]

Arin , so i just finished Murder in Mesopotamia (one of the poriot books) and holy fuck

Like i had my suspicions on the murderer , but i didn't guess that he actually commited the murder

I just thought he was hiding something different!

(also I'm not mentioning the name of the murderer in case you haven't read it yet , but if you have do tell, I'd love to discuss the book with someone!)

But anygays i had a lot of fun reading it and now I'm about to start Murder on the Orient express

I haven’t read it, I meant to a while ago and then forgot. but it sounds really good, I’ll have to look for it at the library! and ooh Murder on the Orient Express is probably my favorite Agatha Christie book, lmk what you think of it!

[crispy-chan]

10, 15, 55, and 66 for the ask game!! <3

hehe hi ivy <3 ty for sending these in :3

10. a book that got you through something?

oh... oh dang </3 i'm honestly not sure if I have something for this. it's kinda lame but I think fics and songs were usually the things that got me through shitty times lol.

but. if we're talking about things that got me through like childhood ?!? agatha christie just like had me captivated at the ripe age of like 8 or 9. the school for good and evil was also a series I was obsessed with in my pre-teens. i had my fair share of cry sessions with books but I can't think of a specific one that got me through like a major slump or anything...

15. a book rec you really enjoyed

idk if it counts as a book rec but everyone around me watched/is watching game of thrones and my bf got me the book for my bday back in march bcs he remembered me saying I wanted to read it someday (also he was watching it with his family and I think he wanted someone he could talk to about it lol) so I really enjoyed that. especially the second half was really engaging and I'll probs continue reading the series. also the institute by Stephen king and dan brown's books were recommended to me as a pre-teen and I enjoyed them a lot !!

55. a book with a satisfying ending?

god, this is hard!!! i have a terrible memory so I don't remember the endings of most my books T_T if I can go with a manga, i'd say death note has a pretty good ending! ngl, I do often hate book endings bcs I get really immersed and I don't want it to end </3

66. a book that fucked you up?

finally, one i can answer heh. the beginning and the end by naguib mahfouz. i don't remember much but I think I was really sad and like... empty(?) after it.

also, there's this one book that isn't translated into English but if I were to loosely translate the title, it'd be the boy who found the sun at night (by luca di fulvio). it fucked me up in a good way - I recently re-read it and holy shit. not only does it feed my love for the underdog tale but it's literally slowburn in a book with amazing plot! like it almost reads like fanfiction (like the really good kind) with how engaging it is and i watched the characters grow (up) and it was really just mwaahh.

there's this czech book that's extremely depressing and incorporates a shit ton of heavy themes and i was just so frustrated while reading it.. it's called houbařka which translates to a female mushroom picker lmfao (as in someone who picks mushrooms idk why it sounds so weird in English)

tysm for sending these in!! ngl i really tend to forget books after some time passes T_T so I kinda struggled to answer some of these lol. but tysm <3 lots of love :3

[keelywolfe]

FIC: Welcome To Backwater ch.3 (spicyhoney)

Summary: Stretch is getting out and meeting new people, if only things weren’t a little...ominous. 

Content:  Spicyhoney, Midwest Gothic

~~*~~

Read Chapter Three on AO3

or

Read it here!

~~*~~

The thing was, Stretch had never really lived on his own. For most of his life, he’d lived with his brother. Taking care of Blue when he was a kiddo, then sort of swapping roles for a while as they got older. By the time they were on the surface, they had a pretty good give and take going when it came to cohabitation. Living with his bro was never the problem.

It was moving back in with him after everything went down that was the hard part. His sympathy felt more like stifling pity, the relentless cheer Stretch normally adored was grating, and as much as Stretch loved his brother, (and he did, his brother was the coolest and fuck anyone who didn’t see that), he just…he couldn’t. Not right now.

That all came to a head and landed him on the midnight bus to anywhere and living here essentially alone was turning into a balancing act between being necessarily solitary and lonely enough to start befriending the local spooks, and now look at him.

Standing in Red’s living room and armed with a lamp shaped like a flamingo, probably about to be murdered for the hundred bucks in the front register and Red’s shitty microwave, and his first stupid thought was, holy shit, he’s gorgeous.

Not that it wasn’t a valid thought, but it didn’t do much to better the situation. A skeleton Monster (another one? really?) that was almost as tall as he was, but instead of Stretch’s scrawny bod and knobby knees poking out of his cargo shorts, this guy looked like he’d just stepped out of GQ’s leather edition, available only with a valid ID. From those slender hips with all the right curves all the way up to the delicate intricacies of his cervical vertebra, he was like a book written in braille, begging for a touch. Those cheekbones alone were sharp enough to do more damage than any damn lamp, fuck, he should have to carry a weapons license for those things, they were sure as hell giving Stretch a good stab in the libido.

Mystery guy only stood there in Red living room, cool and calm in spite of the fact he was wearing a sleek leather jacket and knee-high damn motorcycle boots, (fuck, those legs), on a sweltering day. Didn’t even bother to pull his hands out of his jeans pockets, like he was hanging around patiently for a fucking takeout order instead of starring in a home invasion.

The guy raised a browbone, and fuck, how did even the scar running through his socket seem sexy? “Well?” Mystery Man said, “Nothing else to say?”

That broke the spell. Well, kinda, holy shit, take two. That voice, it was almost rich enough to pour into a cup, but damn, if Sugar Tongue here dusted Red, what was Stretch gonna tell the cops? That he was too busy getting seduced by those dark molasses wiles to do anything about it?

Stretch brandished the lamp again and blustered out, “i asked you first!”

The guy sighed heavily and for half an idiot second, Stretch felt bad for disappointing him. “If we’re going to continue down this path of childish competition, then I was here first. Would you care to offer a rebuttal? Or is that word too complicated for you, I’d make an attempt to bring it down to your level, but I don’t have the time to journey back out of the realm of stupidity today.”

That was enough to snap him out of this guy’s erotic stupidity spell. Great, he was a murderer and a dick, Stretch should’ve known. No one with hips like that could be on the side of good. He raised the lamp again threateningly, flamingo-beak facing front, “the only butt around here is gonna be yours when i kick it!”

The guy only rolled his eye lights, deep crimson, huh, how about that. “Ah, how refreshing it is to have a chance to engage in such cunning debate,” he drawled. “But as enchanting as this has been, let me interrupt the vigilante plotline you seem to be starting. I’m only here to drop off a package for my brother.”

“brother?” Stretch parroted dumbly. Oh. Ohhhhh, for fuck’s sake he was an idiot. Red eye lights, skeleton monster, all he was missing was a fucking name tag that said, ‘Red’s Tall Brother, Please Do Not Ambush.’

Well, that was one way to make a first impression.

Stretch sheepishly lowered the lamp, rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly. “oh. uh, sorry about that, i’m a little on edge.”

“On edge, are you,” the guy repeated. One corner of his mouth pulled upward in a sardonic little smile, another sign of the unfairness of life that it only made him look even more appealing, if that were possible. Sex on legs and that voice? Some guys cheated to role for charisma twice was all Stretch was saying. “Ah, aren’t life’s little ironies precious.”

Before Stretch could figure out what the heck that meant, he heard the familiar thump and bump of Red hurrying down the hallway. The door was flung open hard enough to bounce against the opposite wall and Red paused in the doorway, taking in the scene. His brother standing there is all his sexy glory, completely unconcerned and weaponless, and Stretch still sweaty and disheveled from trekking through the heat outside, standing there with a lamp in his hands trying to look like he hadn’t been ready to bonk the guy on the noggin like the first chapter of an Agatha Christie novel.

Red was snickering before Stretch could even scramble for any sort of excuse, “whatcha gonna do with the lamp, armstrong, knock his lights out?”

“i was improvising,” Stretch mumbled. He plunked the hideous thing back on the table, fumbling to plug it back in. "you didn't tell me you had a brother."

"no?” Red set both hands on the top of his cane to lean against it and innocent was not a voice he wore well, nope. “musta slipped my mind."

"Your mind is ever slippery, brother," said brother put forth in a clipped tone, "Somehow, you managed to forget to mention this…person…to me as well."

"and 'cause i did you got to have an excitin' first meeting,” Red said, abandoning innocence for pure mischief. He gave them both a broad wink, “ain't that right?"

About the only thing Stretch and this guy had in common was the mutual dirty looks they gave back to that.

“only if you get your thrills from a criminal sort of meet and greet,” Stretch said.

"Yes," the brother said irritably, "Very exciting. And now that we’ve all confirmed who I am, would you care to explain who this is?”

Red’s grin widened, his gold tooth winking in the mellow sunlight streaming in through the tatty curtains. “my new clerk.”

“Your—” That irritation melted into horror as the guy’s spine went ruler-straight as if someone jammed a yardstick up his ass before he blustered out, “have you lost your tiny little mind?”

Stretch couldn’t help feeling a little insulted. It was a little grocery store, not the Ritz, they didn’t need all their cheese on the crackers to manage selling ‘em, thanks.

Red didn’t seem bothered by his brother’s disbelief, he only shrugged, “nah. don’t think so, anyway.” Then with a touch of acid, “not like you’re around long enough to find out.”

His brother ignored that. Seemed like he was still stuck on Red’s audacity in hiring a clerk. “You have,” he said wonderingly, “You’ve completely lost your mind this time. And you’re keeping him right here in the house?”

“room upstairs, but yeah.” Red sucked on his teeth loudly, grinning his wide, feral grin. “got a problem with that, little brother?”

Conversation briefly ceased as they both seemed to be trying to communicate in glares and Stretch didn’t know enough of the language to interpret, but he didn’t think it was going well. Especially not when the tall drink of brother abruptly turned to him and said, “Go get your things.”

Stretch only gaped at him, too surprised to even protest, of all the fucking arrogance—!

“Go get your things,” he repeated, a touch louder and flavored with a dash of impatience, “and I’ll take you to the bus depot right now.”

“you’re serious,” Stretch said in disbelief. He shook his head with a short laugh, “heh, sorry, champ, not going anywhere on your say-so. besides, i just got here, if i leave now, I’ll never get voted prom queen.”

The other guy’s face didn’t so much as twitch and intensity in that crimson gaze made Stretch want to look away. He resisted, meeting that glare defiantly, even as he said, quietly, “If you stay long enough, leaving won’t be an option.”

Stretch only snorted, seriously, what was with this guy? “and you’re calling your brother a nut?”

He didn’t bother to answer that one, only swung around and pointed an accusing finger in Red’s direction. “This is on you, brother.”

Red only gave him that easy, sharky grin back. “always was.”

Stretch thought that was the end of it. The guy nodded shortly and started towards the door, brushing past Stretch to get to it and that was where he paused. He turned towards Stretch, those red eye lights moving over him searchingly. The end table with its returned lamp was at Stretch’s back, there was nowhere to go as Red’s brother loomed into his personal space, leaning in uncomfortably close, only inches away from Stretch’s collarbone as he sniffed delicately.

“Hm,” he said thoughtfully.

Stretch resisted the urge to give his armpits a testing sniff. “what?”

But he only drew away and gave Red another unreadable look. Red nodded once.

What. The. Fuck?

“Fine,” the guy sighed out. His hands curled into brief fists, sharpened fingertips pressed into his palms. “It’s your problem, brother, you deal with it.”

“don’t i always?”

“Perhaps with the least amount of property damage possible, if you don’t mind.” He gave Stretch another dismissive half-glance. “Now if you’ll excuse me, brother."

He turned and started to walk off and yeesh, even the way he walked caught the eye, damn, hate to see you leave, love to watch those hips go.

Down boy, Stretch told his libido. There was enough weird shit going on and he really didn’t need to take another hike down that path. Besides, with hot stuff constantly looking at him like something to be scraped off the bottom of his shoe, it wasn’t exactly opening the door for romance. He’d had his fill of assholes, a lifetime’s worth, and just case it might be a question, Stretch proved he was still an enormous idiot by calling to that leather-clad back, “didn’t catch your name.”

The guy didn’t even pause. “Then next time you should be a better hunter.”

With that he was out the apartment door. Stretch and Red stood there and listened to the cow bell jangling loudly, the door slamming, and then the roar of an engine speeding away.

Only then did Red speak again, with laconic ease, “if you’re done staring at my baby bro’s ass, y’can come eat with me.”

“i—" wasn’t, Stretch started to say, then shrugged. Busted. “don’t worry, i don’t think i’m his type.”

“don’t think too hard, gonna hurt yourself,” Red said, dry as a mouthful of sand. “what’s the problem, don’t think you got the right size font?”

“let’s not get into that, it’ll take too long,” Stretch tossed back. “and don’t take this the wrong way but your brother is a dick.”

“yeah,” Red said fondly, “ain’t he great? now, before you tried to light up my bro’s life, i was setting up for dinner. if you grab that bag, you can have some, too.”

Stretch followed where Red pointed with his cane to find an insulated bag sitting by the sofa, black because fuck knew Fonzie’s stunt double needed matching accessories. He lugged the bag along as he followed Red back down the hallway into the store, setting it on the counter while Red struggled into the chair. There were a couple of dusty bowls already sitting there next to the beers and Red gave them a cursory wipe with a rag of dubious cleanliness.

“my bro got his own place a while back,” Red unzipped the bag and pulled out a large ceramic casserole dish. “but he still drops off food for me coupla times a week. says that eating at ‘mama’s’ along with a double daily dose of mac and cheese ain’t healthy.”

Stretch watched, reluctantly intrigued. “he doesn’t stick around for dinner?”

“nah, my bro has kinda a special diet.” Red pulled the lid off and steam rose out, along with the gorgeous, rich smell of sinfully delicious food. Long greenish noodles drenched in some sort of glistening sauce with chunks of more green and purple veggies mixed in, and dusted with a heavy sprinkle of parmesan. Whatever it was, it wasn’t anything like what they brought to the table at Olive Garden.

Stretch inhaled deeply, his mouth already watering. “holy shit, he cooked this?”

“cooked it, hell,” Red spooned out portions, uncaring about the little drips that fell on the counter and pushing the first bowl over to Stretch. “he makes the pasta by hand. planted the veggies, too, like he’s fucking ol’ macdonald on his farm. he made that stew i gave ya the first night, too.”

Stretch barely heard him because he’d already taken his first bite and had he really thought Red’s brother looked sexy? He was wrong, totally wrong, because this was the sexy, this delectably orgasmic taste exploding across his tongue in a blend of garlic and vinaigrette, carried on perfectly al dente noodles mingling with the bright crunch of zucchini and beets. It was hard not to moan aloud as he chewed down that first bite and went back for another.

“is he single? i changed my mind, holy fuck, i’m gonna marry him and chain him to the stove,” Thoughtlessly said around a mouthful of deliciousness and Stretch winced as he realized what he said, “sorry, sorry, bad joke.”

Red only slurped up more noodles, teeth glistening with oil and the long strands flinging droplets of sauce as he sucked them in. “he’s single, but good luck putting a leash on him. go ahead, ask him out next time he stops by. i could use a good laugh, ‘cause, honey, you two hooking up would be a joke.”

Absurdly stung, Stretch shrugged and tried on a laugh, “hey, i’m a hell of a catch. gainfully employed and everything.”

“oh, yeah, you’re the seafood special, all right.” Red’s sharp teeth sheared easily through the noodles as he took another bite. “rebound fucks never work out, kid.”

“how did you—" Stretch stopped with a groan as Red raised both brow bones mockingly. He slumped back over his bowl, twirling up noodles on his fork. “yeah, yeah, handed that over with gift wrap.”

“yep, you did.” Red clapped Stretch on the shoulder with enough force to make him drop his fork. “the list of reasons people end up in the middle of nowhereville is pretty fucking short, kid, an’ you got that look. don’t worry ‘bout it, you got a place to stay here as long as you want.”

The unexpected kindness from Red of all people made him blink hard, but then, that wasn’t really giving him a fair shake, was it, not when he’d given Stretch a job to begin with and kept him semi-fed. “thanks.”

“don’t mention it, to anyone.” Red said dryly. He sucked down the last of the noodles and pushed the bowl away with a sigh. “gonna ruin my rep. make you a deal, air conditioning’s better down here. if you wanna watch tv in my place, y’can go ahead, if,” he stressed, “if ya call your brother. bet he’s out of his mind worried by now.”

“how—” Stretch shut his mouth hard enough for his teeth to click together. Red only looked serenely back, the chair creaking as he leaned back and laced his hands together over his middle. He looked away, not wanting to see what else might shine knowingly in those crimson eye lights. “i’ll text him.”

“good enough,” Red said agreeably. He pulled a can of beer off the plastic ring and popped it open, gulping some down and belching with mellow contentment. “where the fuck did you go earlier, i been waiting on these beers.”

Stretch’s bowl was empty and he ran a finger along the inside of it, licking away the smear of leftover sauce. “to see a movie.”

Red’s mouth opened in a silent ‘ah’. “didja say hi to doris?”

That was not what Stretch expected. “i…yes. you’ve seen her?” Stupid to think Red hadn’t, he’d been here for a long time, hard to believe he’d never stepped into the theater and any Monster with half a gram of sense would’ve noticed her.

“sure, loads of times,” Red said, confirming it. “sweet gal. don’t be offended if she don’t remember you right away, she’s gotta little problem with short term memory.” He pointed a finger at his temple and let his thumb drop like the hammer on a gun. “keep stoppin’ in and eventually you’ll stick. takes her a mo’ when i stop by, but she gets there.”

“good to know.” And it was. Any faint, stupid hurt that he wasn’t the first Monster in Doris’s unlife was a little eased by that tidbit. He probably would’ve been more upset if he went to see her again tomorrow and had to go through the intros again without it.

“okay, g’wan, get outta here,” Red shoved a beer in Stretch’s direction and waved him off. “just remember, wheel of fortune is on at 7.”

Stretch took the dirty bowls with him along with the serving dish, giving them a quick wash and setting them into Red’s already overflowing dish drainer. He spent the rest of the afternoon on the saggy sofa in the living room, watching reruns of ‘MASH’ and ‘Little House On the Prairie’ until Red closed shop for the Wheel.

That night Stretch had a strange dream. Vast trees towering over him and unstable ground beneath his feet. He stood in a puddle of ragged moonlight and when red eyes loomed out of the darkness, he met their stare and didn’t run. Not even when he saw the huge, dark shape that contained them, jagged white teeth in a gaping maw that gnashed and slavered, ready to consume him. The shape leapt at him and he couldn’t move, trapped by that gaze. He woke with a gasp before it landed, waking with a scream tangled up on his throat, clammy sheets sticking to his sweaty bones.

He lay for a moment on the thin mattress, catching his breath. His window was covered, had been since his second night here and he’d found an old blanket in his closet, tacked it up to keep out the blistering heat of the noontime sun. Now it kept out the midnight darkness and he didn’t even glance at it as he rolled to his feet and headed into the bathroom to splash cold water on his sweaty face.

He set both damp hands on the sides of the sink and looked at his dripping reflection. The only shadows in this room were the ones beneath his sockets. His skull was pale, his eye lights pinpricks of diffused white.

“liar,” he whispered to his reflection and watched as it whispered it silently back.

But that was one shipment of guilt he could offload right now.

Stretch shuffled back out and scooped his phone off the nightstand. He ignored the messages, the voicemails, and only tapped out a message of his own, hitting send before he could think of an excuse not to.

i’m okay, little brother, i’m safe. i’ll call soon.

It wasn’t a lie. Soon was relative, just like brothers.

He sank back down on his damp sheets and didn’t bother to turn out the lights.

tbc