#IVE BEEN PRAYING AND BEGGING AND WAITING FOR IT

[verytendou]

Haciendo todo esto y todavia diciendo a los de latam que ellos tienen la problema 💀

[thesherrinfordfacility]

it was about the coffee

edit 24/11: rip miracle blocker theory, my love

but possibly not the way we thought it was. this is going to sound so convoluted but bear with me here (and big thanks to the anon that precipitated this theory, and major apologies that writing this theory is only going to delay my answer to your ask even further💕)

a major plot-point for me in s2 was this bad boy:

which i think we can safely say is a very op power for demons to possess for it not to come up again later on in the show? it's almost like a parallel to the book of life on that front - which is mentioned in the bookshop in ep6, but we've all agreed is pretty much going to be a major chekhov's gun in s3, right? well, what about the miracle blocker?

why wouldn't shax think of getting one either from furfur or from beelzebub when storming the bookshop? well, could be that shax didn't think of it. true - but i do wonder if something iffy was in fact going on in ep5/ep6 showdown, right up into the Final Fifteen.

let's start here: aziraphale has got some reality-bending bullshit going on, which i think is possibly just naturally emanating from aziraphale himself (im not wholly convinced it's entirely in-character for him to purposefully fuck with people's heads and autonomy) and perhaps the dancing/outfits/emotions etc is just the image he wanted for the dance, and his magic (?) essentially made it happen, so much so that he was potentially taken in by it too... hence why he was so readily resistant to crowley's pleas to listen to him about the danger? idk, getting sidetracked.

but anyway, then the demons come, and we see the below where... randomly, aziraphale's miracles/magic doesn't work. and there's no given reason for it:

soon after this, aziraphale opens the portal; one thing on reflection? that portal opens damn fucking fast. sure, the peril is high, certainly higher than s1 when he had to pray and practically beg to speak to someone... but if the portal is more or less for metatron's direct use, and the metatron is so damn busy, being the voice of god... why would he be sat there waiting for a call?

s1, the time between aziraphale starting to pray/dial 9-1-heaven, and the portal opening (excluding where he shouts to shadwell that the shop is closed) is just over 31 seconds. s2, from "hello, is there anybody there" to portal opening is just over 5. a very short cut-down for a retired, traitorous angel, regardless of whether they're under attack (which, tbh, would be in heaven's interests, right? for aziraphale to get Got?). the explanation for that can only be, in my book, that metatron has been watching... and possibly has been since the first time the portal opened.

anyway, we then move on to metatron arriving at the bookshop, and offering aziraphale the coffee. others have reported a miracle chime, and tbh i too can hear at least a faint, high strong, that sounds out of place in the ambient sound of the scene. video below, where ive marked out where i can hear it:

we know that aziraphale doesn't drink coffee. tea, hot chocolate, wine... but he's never, as far as we've seen, canonically drunk coffee. he must have tried it at some point, crowley likes it/drinks it, so why wouldn't aziraphale have tried it at some point? well, i think he probably has, and didn't like it. i think he tried to change it, in front of the metatron, so he could take a sip and not be offensive. but... it doesn't work. aziraphale's reaction is awkward. and metatron's reaction is smug. i think metatron has a miracle blocker.

aziraphale is not stupid. i think he knows possibly from that moment, or very soon after, that metatron has been up to something. i think he knows that metatron might have eyes and ears everywhere. i think aziraphale has worked out that metatron is not in fact A Nice Old Man, and knows it right through until he gets in the lift (which im going to talk about more in the aforementioned anon ask). i don't think aziraphale has been overtly threatened, because the metatron has worked so hard in this scene to be non-threatening. but he has underestimated how smart aziraphale actually is.

making the offer to reform heaven appeals to aziraphale, there is no doubt on that. and aziraphale is desperate for crowley to be with him - not only on the layer of wanting to be together, or another layer of crowley deserving to have heaven make amends to him, or even the layer wanting to protect crowley under his status as supreme archangel... but because if aziraphale walks away, without crowley, crowley has nowhere safe to go. the bookshop has been compromised, and it is no longer safe. metatron with his almond syrup has Eyes and Ears everywhere. when crowley refuses, aziraphale has to get to heaven, and to metatron, before they get to him.

i do completely believe that aziraphale wants to help heaven, and possibly seek any way in which he can return it to what he thinks or believes was god's original purpose for it - to return or make it into the place that was always meant to stand for good and justice and love. but i also believe that now, more than ever, aziraphale teeters on the edge of giving heaven a chance - or being burnt to ashes, literally or figuratively. idk about you, but i have a gut feeling on what option he, in this moment, would be inclined to take.

[dirtybitfic]

Therapy pt.3

Matt sturniolo x y/n / fem reader

Smutt, kinks, dom matt, punishments, a lot of crazy shit to do with the kinks discussed in the two therapy sessions. Lots of dirty shit honestly too much to put in the warning so … 🫦

Matts pov-

Im so worked up right now. After her saying she likes a challenge I just could not handle it anymore. I know its not appropriate to have sex with a client but fuck me with y/n I just cant control myself.

Since the first session she's been running through my mind. She is absolutely beautiful for one and the kinks she has are music to my ears whenever she reads them off. Ive had multiple dreams about the nasty depraved things I want to do to her and after tonight I don't know if we’ll be able to go back to just a therapist client relationship.

I see the way she looks at me when she thinks im not paying attention and fuck the way she bites her lip nervously after reading her kinks is so hot to me. She is such a dirty girl but hides it all under this sweet innocent persona and it drives me wild. I want to see her brake for me ... hear her begging me to let her cum and watching her unravel over and over until she's crying and begging for me to stop.

Tonight I will finally get what ive always wanted and the best part is I know she’ll let me . I don't think she caught it but when she described her type in our first session she pretty much described me perfectly. The tattoos , dark hair , blue eyes, a dark mysterious persona and not too mention her size kink.

Y/n is not super short but compared to me she looks so small and it drives me wild anytime she looks up at me when I stand in front of her . She constantly has bedroom eyes and thats one feature I love on her gorgeous little face . Im 6'4 and she's probably around 5'7 so as you can imagine the height difference is a good amount . (Ik this man’s is a cool 5’8 but we gonna act like he ain’t alright)

As she sits next to me in the car I cant help but watch her as her thighs squeeze tightly together and her breathing is slightly fast. I wonder what her gorgeous little mind is thinking knowing im taking her back home with me. I know she was tipsy when she said those words to me but drunk words are sober thoughts and im so glad she finally made it clear she is also attracted to me .

These 15 minutes need to go bye quick ... because once I get her inside this damn house she in for a very long night.

Your pov-

Your going crazy in his passenger seat your mind is running wild with possibility’s of what is going to happen.

The thought of him above me with his hand around my neck as he fucks into you so hard your crying is on a non stop loop in your mind you’ve been clenching your thighs for so long they are cramping . You’ve tried to think about anything else but every time you try every thought turns into him again. He's consuming your mind and you cant wait for him to consume every other part of you.

The fact he is in a high class b.d.s.m club also tells you a lot . All the men there are dominants of high power and class . Your mind wanders back to the two men Matt had introduced you to and honestly you feel bad that they will probably never hear from you but now that you know you can have Matt you don't even want to look at them again.

You were sonly entertaining them just incase u had to settle for the next best choice but you know Matt is going to ruin you tonight and after this there is no going back and you pray this car ride is almost over.

How much longer do we have

About 10 more minutes ... why

I just really have to pee this isn't a lie I do have to pee but we all know the real reason I wanted to know

don't worry were almost there

he sets his hand on your thigh causing your breathe to hitch , even the smallest touch from his hand has your pussy clenching and pulsing. he rubs small circles with his thumb causing you to let out a soft sigh but it came out more like a moan.

you don't try to cover it up you just keep looking out the window as the trees pass by and you finally pull up to a large black gate.

It opens when he presses a button and he slowly makes his way up the very long windy road leading up to what you can only guess is the house.

There are lights lining the road every few feet and there are old looking willow trees scattered along the sides . It's beautiful yet creepy at the same time.

The car come to a stop and you look through the front windshield at a beautiful modern gothic mansion

Wow Matt your house is just ... wow

Thank you me and my brothers have a love for gothic style architecture

god you drive my dream car and live in my dream house could you be more perfect

he laughs softly Well if you like the outside you’ll love the inside come on

you smile at him as you rush out of the car excited to see the interior of his gorgeous home

he gets out locking the car and taking your hand in his as he leads you to the front door and unlocks it letting you enter first .

you walk into the most breathe taking foyer.

Holy fuck you look around already involve with the house and this is only the entrance

im guessing you like it

LOVE it

he smiles and chuckles

wait till you see the victorian greenhouse in the back he says smiling at you leading you into the living room

God this house keeps getting better and better you say as you take in the dark interior of the living room.

I think your gonna love the kitchen come on he says leading you down a dark emerald green hallways into a large kitchen.

You're right I do love it . You guys love dark colors huh

yeah I guess so he says looking around actually realizing most of the house is black with dark accent colors.

I like it a lot even though its dark it doesn't feel depressing

yeah I agree . Okay time for the greenhouse

Oh . my .god this is beautiful . I have an entire Pinterest board for my dream house and i've always loved the idea of having a interior greenhouse but this is just beautiful you start walking around looking at all the flowers and plants they have growing around .

Yeah My brother nick loves this part of the house he actually does most of the planting and stuff

he has great taste in flowers night rider lilys are my favorite flower

He would talk your ear off for hours about all these flowers if he could

I would probably love that actually I mean this is just beautiful . Your lucky to have this in your house I hope you know that

oh I do trust me but lets go upstairs I wanna show you my favorite room

okay you say taking his hand as he leads you down another dark hallways leading to a spiral staircase .

As you reach the last step it enters into a large library

wow this is by far my favorite room

I knew you'd like it go up those stairs and look on the middle 3 shelves I think you'll like that section he says smirking

you take the staircase up and go to the shelves he told you too . You look at the books noticing they are all dark romance books . They are all hard covers and you trace them with your fingers landing on one in particular . Haunting Adeline by H.D Carlton your favorite book you've read by far.

Matt steps behind you placing his hands on your hips .

You read haunting Adeline?

multiple times . I love this book

is that what started your stalker fantasies

It didn't start it but it definitely made it 10 times worse

what did start them he asks as you traced over other books that you've read

Honestly from a young age I always had thought in my brain that someone was or could be watching me through my window . My childhood home had woods behind and around the right side so I was always paranoid someone was out there but I guess... as I grew up the idea became appealing instead of scary.

mmm you like the cat and mouse game don't you... he moves closer to you as his lips brush your earlobe you like feeling like prey being hunted by a large ... scary ... predator hmmm . Don't you ?

you moan at the feel of his hands on you and the dirty words he said too you

I asked you a question he says as one of his hands travels up to your neck gripping it and spinning you around .

Now answer it... he says in a deep husky voice

y-yes I like it

mm such a depraved little slut aren't you

you moan not knowing what to say

never being satisfied ... having to come to me he says as he steps closer making your back hit the wall of books and you have to arch your neck that his hand is still around to look up at him towering over you.(again were pretending that this man isn't 5'8 alright) Telling me all the dirty ... depraved things you crave

you moan.

im gonna give you everything you want ... and your gonna thank me over and over

Jesus Christ you moan as you feel the wetness pooling in your underwear and slightly dripping down your thigh. You've never been so aroused in your life and all you want to do is beg him to touch you

his hand that was on your hip travels under your dress and up your thigh as his long fingers reach the inner of your thigh he groans

Such a little slut . Your so turned on its running down your thigh and I haven't even touched you yet

you whine as his hand slowly inches closer to where you need hm most

your gonna have to wait... the house tour isn't over yet

oh fuck you you sigh out. You're so turned on its driving you crazy .

excuse me he says gripping your throat even tighter and grabbing your face with his other making you look at him. You whine as you feel your teeth pressing into your cheeks from his tight hold.

you might want to watch your tone with me he says staring intently in your eyes.

yes sir you bite back your words laced with attitude

he lets go of your face and yanks you by your hand after him.

You make your way into a long hallway with a couple doors on each side

He opens the first one and its a fairly large bathroom

nice bathroom okay next room

someone is eager huh he says as he leads you to the next door

this is my brother chris's room

oh nice

then he walks to the next door farther down the hall on the left

and this is my brother nicks room

do you all live on the same floor ?

no my room is on the basement level

oh ... why?

you'll see he says as he leads you to the last room.

this is chris's at home studio he says as you let go of his hand and walk around looking at all the equipment.

does he make music ?

Sometimes yeah but he's more into producing backtracks and beats and stuff

that so cool

yeah the man loves his music . Come on I wanna show you the backyard

he leads you out of the room and down another flight of stairs leading out to the backyard.

This is one of my favorite parts of the house

wow the pool is amazing

yeah its great. and its heated so you can use it all year round

damn thats nice

yeah its pretty great but come on I saved the best rooms for last

he leads you back inside the house and leads you down a dark flight of stairs to the basement level .

The stairs lead into another living room

wow its dark down here

yeah I like it dark it feels ... cozy to me

mmm you hum as you look at the dark blue couch and the nice fire place behind it.

he leads you down another long hallway to the room at the end.

This is my room he says before opening the door

mmm its dark but cozy I like it

and that is my closet over there and this is my bathroom

mm its like your own apartment down here

yeah I love my brothers a lot but I like to have my own space

I get that , do you mind if I use the bathroom real quick

not at all go ahead he says as you swiftly make your way into the bathroom closing the door behind you. You had been holding in your pee for the entire house tour.

you make your way to the toilet and finally relieve yourself with a sigh. As you sit you look around the large bathroom noticing the nice ass shower. Your mind wanders to things you'd love to do with him in that shower.

You finish up and wash your hands and make your way back out into the room .

Matt is in the middle of taking off dress shirt and you cant help but watch the way his back muscles tense as he pulls in off and sets it in a laundry hamper.

he pulls on a black sweatshirt he must have changed into his sweatpants while you were in the bathroom .

He turns around noticing you .

Feel better

yes much better. I held it in for a while

he chuckles and then walks closer to you as he bends down and lifts one of your feet you balance yourself by placing a hand on his shoulder. He takes of your heel and then the other.

You sigh feeling so much more comfortable .

Go into my closet and grab a sweatshirt I know you probably want to get out of that dress

as you make your way to the closet he slaps your ass causing you to gasp.

you smile as you make your way into the large walk in closet and finding a line of sweatshirt hung on the top rack .

you grab a grey sweatshirt and start undoing your dress as it slips off . You weren't wearing a bra under the dress so all you have under his large sweatshirt is your lace thong that is soaked with your arousal from earlier.

you walk back out and he smiles at you .

You look good in my sweatshirt

yeah its comfy too to say as you hold your arms out looking down .

its fits big on you since he's significantly taller than you.

I have a feeling I won't be getting it back anytime soon

yeahhh don't hold your breathe you say smiling back at him.

ready for the last room

mhm you smile knowing you're finally going to be getting what you want after this last room.

he leads you out of his room and down a small hall leading to a large door at the end .

I think you'll like this one he says with a smirk on his face.

he opens the door and turns on the light . Your mouth drops as you see what the room is.

A fucking sex dungeon

you walk around the room looking at all the whips and ropes that line the left wall. The right wall is adorned with blindfolds and other kind of restraints .

you still think you can handle me he says in your ear as he swiftly walks around you with his hand on your waist

you make eye contact nodding your head hoping hell finally touch you.

take the sweatshirt off he says sternly.

you slowly lift it over your head as your nipple immediately harden since this part of the house is cooler than the rest.

he groans at the sight of your bare body in front of him.

he slowly traces a hand down your face then neck and then he reaches your tits as he pulls on your nipples causing you to moan from the pain and pleasure.

he pulls on them harder making you gasp for air .

his hands move to your waist as he effortlessly picks you up and holds under your thighs to keep you up as you wrap your legs around his waist.

he brings his mouth to your neck biting and sucking leaving marks as you moan from the feeling.

you sound so beautiful he goes back into your neck leaving more marks.

your legs tighten around his waist as he bites down harshly on your shoulder

fuck you gasp as he lets go and kisses it softly

he sets you down and spins you around walking you over to the couch and bending you over the arm rest .

he bends down so his mouth is at your ear

I think you need to learn some manners hmm

you know that he's probably referring to the library when you coped an attitude with him .

all you do is shake your head yes

use your words y/n . he says in a harsh tone that has you pulsing around nothing.

yes you say sounding out of breathe .

yes what ...

yes sir

good girl

you hear him walk away but stay where he put you .

you hear him step back behind you and feel something cold run along your left ass cheek . You lay there waiting for what he's going to do .

Something slaps down on your cheek causing you to gasp . It didn't hurt but it definitely would leave a mark if he smacks harder.

you know what this is ? he asks seeing if you'll guess correctly

ummm I don't know

he smacks down the object again with more force causing your hips to buck harshly into the arm rest.

take a guess and maybe ill go easy on you

fuck umm I... a crop wip

he smacks down on your other cheek

such a smart girl

you moan at his praise as he smacks down again.

he tosses it on the couch and grabs you to stand up by your hair causing you to whine.

You have no idea what I want to do to you right now

you let out a quiet moan .

Please . Do anything you want .use me

yeah you want me to treat you like the dirty little slut you are his tone making it evident he's smirking.

yes... fuck please

he lets go of your hair and walks over to the wall of blindfolds picking up a blue satin one and walking back over to you .

turn around he says as he stands in front of you .

You do as he says and he ties it around your eyes and nots it at the back securing it tightly .

you run your hands over the silky cool material smiling .

he guides you by your waist until he pushes you down to sit on the edge of the couch your back arching into the back of the couch.

his hands move up and down your sides until he reaches your panty lines and pulls them down your legs slowly .

spread your legs for me show me how much of a mess i've made you

you spread your legs and he groans

such a pretty little pussy he says before placing soft wet kisses on your inner thighs causing you to squirm in anticipation.

his breathe hits your sensitive clit and your hips buck . You want him to finally touch you so badly you just cant help yourself .

he places a soft kiss on your clit causing you to moan .

fuck... please

tell me what you want

please I need your mouth so bad

mmm he groans before diving into your pussy as he licks and sucks .Fuck he's good at this . Your breathing is erratic as you squirm under him .

oh- my god fuck

yeah ... am I making you feel good he says before going back to sucking your clit

yes fuck so good you moan out . He starts flicking his tongue in the perfect spot that has your legs trembling.

Oh FUCK oh my god right there

he smirks against your pussy as he inserts a finger inside your gushing entrance eliciting a loud moan from you.

Oh my god fuck im so close

Cum for me sweetheart cover my mouth with it

his words immediately send you tumbling over the edge as your legs tremble and you're gasping for air .

such a good girl for me he says as you come down from your high and he pulls his finger out of you .

your catching your breathe as he licks his fingers clean.

such a sweet little pussy he groans .

get up he says in a raspy tone you immediately obey standing up and waiting for more instruction.

he walks over to the wall of restraints and ropes he picks a set and walks back over to you .He pulls off the blindfold and throws it down.

you blink adjusting to the lights then looking down at what's in his hand.

you smile and he notices.

come on he says making you walk in front of him .

he watches the way your ass moves when you walk making him even more painfully hard than he already is.

you make it back in his room and he shuts the door harshly then grabs you buy the back of the neck.

hands behind your back

you hold them behind your back and he puts the wrist restrains on securing them enough they won't slip off but not tight enough to hurt.

walk to the end of the bed

You walk slowly to the end of the bed as he trails closely behind.One you reach the end he moves your hair and tells you to hold it . He then secures the neck piece of the restraints. It holds your head at and angle that is slightly uncomfortable but you enjoy it.

He pulls his sweatshirt off and he spins you around to face him.

You look so beautiful all restrained for me

you smile up at him as your eyes trail his upper body the best they can with the restraints .

he pushes your shoulders down as he makes you sit on the edge of the bed.

he slowly unties the string of his sweatpants and slides them down and kicks them off.

Your gonna be a good girl and let me fuck that pretty little mouth

you moan in agreement.

his bulge is right in front of your face causing you to gulp. He is definitely not small and that makes you slightly nervous.

He starts pulling down his boxers causing his rock hard dick to pop out and slap you on the face. You jump not expecting it which makes him chuckle.

Open .

you open your mouth and he shoves his middle and ring finger into your mouth you gag slightly as they hit the back of your mouth and your eyes water.

mmm were gonna need to work on that he says as you gag on his finger the farther he pushes back.

He pulls them out and strokes his long thick length a couple times before looking down at you smirking.

he taps his dick on your lips telling you to open your mouth .

The second you open your mouth he slides into it and slowly thrusts in and out . His girth has the corners of your mouth stretching and your jaw hurts from how wide you have to keep your mouth open .

he grabs the back of your head and starts thrusting hard and fast. You're gagging and coughing around him causing him to groan .

Fuck look at you drooling and gagging . Such a fucking mess for me

you moan around him as tears roll down your face and spit is dripping out of the sides of your mouth and down your chin and neck. His thrust get harder his tip bruising your throat with each thrust. You're crying as your eyes get foggy from your mascara bleeding into them. You're gagging loudly as he goes deeper down your throat.

You try moving your hand to his thighs only to remember they are secured behind your back. So you try the next best thing and start trying to inch further up the bed and away from him which only seems to make him thrust more aggressively.

nahuh don't try and get away ... you said you'd be a good girl for me he grunts out horsly as his breathing is loud and curses pour out of his mouth signaling he's close.

I'm gonna fill this pretty little mouth and your gonna swallow all of it you understand he groans out as you nod your head the best you can .

he harshly thrusts a couple more times before burying himself as deep as he can go and fills your throat and mouth with his cum. He pulls out and slaps his hand over your mouth.

You better fucking swallow it. he says in a harsh tone that has your pussy gushing.

you swallow down the thick liquid furrowing your brows from the weird texture. He takes his hand off your mouth .

good girl listening so well he says before gently stroking your lips with his thumb. You hum at the soft touch and lean into it.

stand up you immediately stand up and look up at him with teary bedroom eyes.

he spins you around and bends you over the side of the bed .

He runs his hand down your back and grabs onto the chain connected to the back of the collar pulling your head back so you're looking at him. You whimper at the way the collar part tightens with the angle.

You want me to fuck you dumb he asks with a cocky smile on his face.

you nod and he slaps you on the ass with his free hand.

Use your fucking words when I ask you a question

y-yes I want you to fuck me

tell me how bad you want it ... beg for it he says making the chain a bit tighter in his hand.

p-please I want it so bad please your voice coming out broken and raspy.

mmm beg louder i wanna hear the desperation int that pretty little voice of yours

please Please fuck me I want it so bad PLEAse

mmm you sound so pretty when you beg he says as he lets go of the chain and your head falls onto the mattress .

his hand runs further down your ass to your throbbing core.

he slides a finger in causing you to whimper .

Fuck you're so wet. You like having my dick down your throat don't you

you moan in agreement causing him to slap your ass hard.

don't you he says deeply .

y-yes I love it

such a little slut he says as he adds another finger and starts moving them in and out at a pace that has your toes curling.

f-fuck oh my-

yeah you like my fingers

y-yes sir f-fuck I love them

he groans at you calling him sir and he speeds up his fingers curling them to hit the perfect spot that has your legs starting to tremble and your orgasm building at a fast pace.

oh- fuck I-im gonna cum

not until you beg for it

f-fuck oh god

don't even think about cumming without my permission he says slapping your ass as you loudly moan into the mattress.

F-fuck please can I cum fuck please please

hold it

b-but your breathing so hard as you try on focus on not cumming.

I know you can do it

fuck I- cant please let me cum fuck please

no your gonna hold it until I say you can cum

you whine in protest as your eyes swell with tears and your legs are shaking as your hands ball into fists

f-fuck I c-cant you cry out as it starts to get painful holding it back

yes you fucking can his pace gets faster and you break not being able to hold it anymore.

did you just fucking cum after I told you not too

you orgasm so hard around his fingers you don't even care he's angry you couldn't follow directions.

I t-told you I could hold it

he pulls you up by the chain causing you to gasp and cry out from the force.

he sits down and throws you over his knees.

you are going to learn to follow directions

you whine knowing he's about to make you regret that last orgasm.

his hand comes down on your ass causing you to whine

your gonna take as many spankings as I see fit and your gonna thank me for every single one

his hand comes down harshly causing your ass to sting

f-fuck thank you sir

his hand comes down on the same spot at least 15 times before you're crying and begging him to stop .

m-matt please it hurts you cry out as his hand comes down again.

im sorry who his hands come down at a fast pace hitting your stinging red cheek at least 5 times.

OW F-fuck sir please I- cant t-take anymore please im sorry I won't do it again

he rubs his hand softly over your red and raised ass cheek admiring his large hand print that is now imprinted in the skin and tracing the blood vessels that burst around the print smiling to himself.

you think you learned your lesson he asks in a softer voice.

yes sir I promise I will listen from now on you sigh out . Your ass cheek is stinging so much and your breathing is erratic from crying.

he helps you stand up before he pushes you back over the edge of the bed again . His strokes. his rock hard dick a couple times before he runs the tip through your wet folds .

he slowly pushes in causing you to hiss from the stretch he's so big that you know no matter how slow he enters you it'll hurt.

ahh shit you whine out as he pushes a little deeper.

I know sweetheart you're doing so good for me he says running his hand down the small of your back trying to sooth you.

mmm you whine as he still pushes in .

You're doing so good . Only half more to go

Thats only half you loudly cry out . You already feel so full and you don't know how you're gonna handle all of it .

he chuckles at your reaction ad he pushes deeper and deeper .

fuck you're so fucking tight .

You whine and squirm as the stinging gets worse when his thickest part enters you .

Jesus c-christ your so big you cry out as you try and calm your breathing.

I know baby but you're almost there he groans as he pushed in until he is balls deep .

you cry out as he fills you up fully with his entire length staying still letting you adjust. You knew he was big but you dint expect him to stretch you this much but you also haven't had sex in a while so its not that shocking . You've also never taken a dick this big , he's a good 9 inches and girthy as fuck.

fuck okay you can move but please go slow

he starts to slowly thrust in and out as you continue to adjust .

mmm you whine as the pain fades into pleasure

feel good he says as as he speeds up the pace ever so slightly.

y-yes sir

he groans as you pulse around him .

can you handle it if I go faster he grunts out. The slow pace is not something he enjoys. He likes to be rough and hard but he doesn't want to hurt you.

yes fuck please go faster the second these words leave your moth he starts thrusting faster . Your gasping and moaning as he hits your g- spot over and over.

h-harder fuck please sir fuck me harder

god you're such a little slut he grunts as he starts going harder and your eyes rolls to the back of your head as you feel your orgasm building.

FUCK O-OH MY GOD Y-YOU'RE SO DEEP

Yeah you liked being fuck like a dirty whore

ye-yes I love it FUCK

I can feel you pulsing around me sweetheart . You gonna cum all over my cock like the good little whore you are

Y-YES SIR. FUCK CAN I CUM P-PLEASE

yeah cum all over my cock

FUCK you scream as you cum all over him and your legs tense and shake under him .

You come down from your high as he still pounds into you as your entire body trembles under him.

MMm f-fuck you pant out as he continues pounding into you relentlessly.

so fucking wet for me he groans out as he takes a hold of the chain and yanks your head back to look up at him. Your breathing becomes scattered as the collar cuts off your air way.

You feel how deep I am hmm

you furrow your brows in pleasure but maintain eye contact and nod your head as moans slip out of your mouth.

he lets go of the chain as your head drops down and you regain a normal breathing pattern. He grabs the small chain that connects the cuffs together and starts pounding into you deeper causing you to scream out.

AHH FUCK S-SO DEEP I C-CANT

mmm you can .he grabs you by your hair and lowers himself over you so he's right by your ear , and you fucking will

he lifts off of you continuing to thrust so hard and deep your legs lift off the ground and kick the back of his thighs.

MM j-jesus christ m-matt His movements stop and pulls yanking you up by your hair causing you to cry out from the burn .

he unhooks your hands and spins you around to face him as he rebooks them in front of you.

Lay down for me he says and you climb back onto the bed laying down.He climbs back onto the bed and settles in-between your legs as he pushes them apart as far as they go and he pushes back into you .

Fuck oh m-my god you whine as he thrusts roughly into you and your eye close as the pleasure runs through you.

he slaps you causing you to wince.

look at me while I fuck you dumb

your eyes open as you moan and shake under him..

oh f-fuck im g-gonna you cry out before juices spray out of you all over his dick.

Thats it squirt all over me .Fuck your doing so good for me

you whine as your legs start to shake and you start to feel overstimulated from all the other orgasm you've had.

F-fuck I c-cant take -I-it

he grips your face tightly as he brings his face closer to yours.

well your gonna have to. Im not nearly close to being done with you he says before he lifts your legs over his shoulders and starts thrusting rougher and deeper causing a bulge to show in your stomach.

FUCK d-daddy I he cuts you off by pushing down on your stomach feeling himself in you.

call me daddy again and you'll regret it he groans out.

y-yes sir im s-sorry

He pushes down harder on the bulge in your stomach causing you to scream out as you squirt again.

Fuck keep fucking doing that your so fucking hot

mmmm f-fuck you whine as tears start streaming down your face

your entire body is shaking from the overstimulation you're feeling.

FUCK I CANT PLEASE I ... you squirt again . He has to pull out from how much is coming out.

He pushes two fingers into you causing you to scream . He curls them and moves them so fast your entire body is rocking . He hits your spot over and over until your squirting again all over his fingers and the bed.

J-jesus christ its t-too much you cry out as you they to move his hand away but failing since they are connected to the chain that isn't long enough for you to reach him.

I guess ill just have to force you take it then huh he says before replacing his fingers with his dick and fucking you so rough your seeing stars and all you can do is moan and cry .

the tears are streaming down your face as shake under him.

who's pussy is this he asks as he thrusts into you at a new angle that takes your breathe away. You want to answer him but no words are coming out of your mouth.

He slaps you across the face two times before he grips it and makes you look at him.

Whos fucking pussy is this y/n

Y-YOURS ITS YOURS FUCK you scream out as you cum all over him

that's it such a good girl he groans as you shake under him .

His thrusts don't let up if anything he starts going harder.

You're crying as whining under him unable to get words or moans out all you can do I breathe hard.

Look at you . Fucking you dumb hmm he says with a cocky smirk .

mmmmm you whine and kind of cry out as you lift your hips from the bed trying to get away from him but he grabs your hips hitting you at a different angle that has you choking on air.

so pathetic trying to run away from me he says as he grips your hips so tight there will be bruises Tommorrow.

F-f-fuck you you cry out . You're so overstimulate it hurts .

he slaps you across the face then shoves his fingers into your mouth causing you to gag and couch as he presses down your tongue.

watch your fucking mouth he says as he pulls his fingers out of your mouth and starts rubbing circles on your clit as he continues pounding into you.

MMM N-NO I CANT I-C-CANT you scream out as you feel another painful orgasm building.

oh but you will he says as he feels you pulsing around him signaling your close.

F-FUCK MMMM you scream in a horse shaky voice as your orgasm all over him so hard your entire body shakes and lifts off the bed as he continues rubbing your clit until you come down from your high as your brain goes fuzzy and your vision blurs.

your body is exhausted and your non stop shaking as he continues thrusting into you.

Fuck you gonna let me fill this pussy with my cum hmm

y-yes p-please you whine knowing that he's close brings a smile to your face you don't know how much more you can take.

yeah such a little cum slut aren't you

mmm y-yes sir you moan as his thrust get sloppy .

f-fuck he groans as he fills you up .

you lay there trying to catch your breathe as he pulls out and pulls you up unlatching the collar and handcuffs . you let out a sigh and stretch your arms since they are locked up from the position they were forced into for so long.

You okay he asks smiling softly at you .

you look at him softly smiling before climbing into his lap and holding onto him .

mmhm just... tired you say smiling against his chest. He rubs your back softly as he holds you tight.

lets go get cleaned up hmm he coos in your ear.

mmhm you sigh into his chest but don't have the energy to move.

he stands up holding you as walks to the bathroom and sets you down on the toilet letting you pee as he starts the shower .

once you finish your business he picks you up and walks you both into the shower and under the water.

you sigh as the water runs over your exhausted body . He slowly sets you down but still holds you tight knowing your legs are not very stable right now. He grabs some body wash and doors it all over your body before rubbing it in and letting in rinse away . You wash his torso and then rubs it all over his back then he rinses it off.

You smile to yourself feeling so taken care of at the moment and it makes you happy .

what you smiling about he jokes as he smiles down at you.

nothing your just... I just feel taken care of thats all

aftercare is very important to me you know that

I know its just not something i'm used to so.. thank you

of course beautiful he says as he runs his hands through your wet hair and places a kiss on your forehead.

he turns off the water and helps you step out as he wraps the large towel around you and wraps his around his waist.

you both make your way back into his room after drying off most of the water . He grabs a shirt for you to throw on and he throws on some boxers and sweat shorts .

you okay ... hungry thirsty ?

yeah both actually

alright lets go to the kitchen i'll Make something

you make your way up the two flights of stairs to the main floor and walk through the halls to the kitchen.

what time is it you ask as you reach the kitchen

4 am a voice says from further in the kitchen making you yelp and jump in surprise .

matt laughs as he makes his way over to the fridge grabbing things out as you stand there clutching you chest trying to catch your breathe.

sorry sweetheart I didn't mean to scare you the other one says as he approaches you with a small chuckle.

no no its okay just wasn't expecting anyone to be in here.

im Chris he says offering a hand for you to shake .

y/n you say with a smile as you shake his hand.

ahhh so your y/n he says smirking and looking at matt

what's that supposed to mean you ask slightly confused.

oh nothing me and nick have just heard a lot about you over the past two weeks

Oh really you ask with a smile looking at matt who's rolling his eyes.

Mhmm he says winking at you causing you to blush.

what are you doing up anyway

Couldn't sleep . I was gonna go for a swim but then I got hungry he says walking over to the fridge and pulling out a water.

he looks over to you . Want a water

oh sure thank you

You walk over to the island and sit down in one of the chairs.watching as Matt cooks . Chris comes and sits next to you placing the water down in front of you.

so y/n what do you do for work?

im a stylist you say smiling at him

ah so thats why you always have good outfits.

you smile at him from the compliment

yeah I guess so

do you like it

yeah I love it most of the time

why most of the time

well I work with celebrity's a lot and some of them are complete assholes so you know

ahh yeah I get that some of them just act so entitled

right its ridiculous . Matt said your a music producer

yeah I am its pretty cool

I bet id love to be able to make my own music

Matt smiles at you as he admires the way you get along with his brother .

do you sing?

yeah a bit

you should totally record in my studio sometime

id love that but you know thats only if Matt keeps me around

Trust me I will Matt says smirking at you making you smile

well im gonna go for a swim and then probably go to bed .

bye it was nice to formally meet you

yeah you too he says as he walks away down the hall to the pool.

so you sing Matt says smiling

yeah not but only really to myself im kinda awkward when people watch me

well maybe one day I can get you too sing for me

mmm yeah maybe

he finishes plating up the chicken and potatoes he made and slides u a plate and some silverware across the island.

you immediately cut off a piece and take a bite as he wits for your reaction.

oh my god this is so good you say as you lean back in your chair with a smile .

im glad you like it he says smiling and coming to sit next to you.

this is another reason I love older guys

food..? he asks chuckling a little bit

no like you actually cooked me something not just fell asleep and left me to fend for myself

I mean its a pretty easy thing to do he says smiling and taking a bite of his food

yeah but guys my age just arent like you

well then im glad you found me

oh trust me me too you say with a smirk .

okayyy eat your food he says laughing

you laugh a little before finishing the meal he cooked .

that was so good thank you

of course

he gets up and puts the plates in the dishwasher before coming back over to you.

you know what im craving

hmm

desert he says with a wicked smile on his face...

part four coming since I feel like this one is already way too long and took me forever to finish.

💋

[ravennaortiz]

One day

Summary: Sequel to Be Okay- A Chibs Story

As always 18+

Chibs sat in the chapel of the hospital. He had been on his knees, hands clasped crying and begging for hours for you too be okay. For the doctors and nurses to put you back together. For you to open those beautiful eyes. For you to say anything at all. To see your smile, hear your laugh, feel you warm breath on his ear as you whispered to him. Once again he found himself traveling down the reason he was here and you were in surgery. “My fault” he said out loud his words echoing off the walls.

 The ambulance ride had been tense and painful. His mind reeling of the what ifs. They were struggling to get an iv when your heart stopped. The drawn out beep and the blank screen had been gut wrenching. He could only sit back and watch as the paramedics fought to bring you back. The crack of ribs, demands to push this and that made him sick to his stomach. He couldn’t look away though. His eyes were locked on your lifeless ones. He prayed to a god he wasn’t sure he still believed in. He prayed for you to be okay. He pleaded for him to fix this, this you. Give you a chance like you had given him a chance. “My fault” mumbled Chibs right as the monitor beeped again and showed a slight pulse. With a shaky breath he exhaled as he closed his eyes, thank you.

“I need to go with her” Chibs had bellowed as he swung at one of the male nurses. Thankfully for him and the nurse Tig and Juice grabbed onto him and pulled him back to the doors of the er. “Chibs, shhh, its okay” murmured Tig as he held Chibs to him. “No no no” grunted Chibs as he struggled to get out of both man’s grip. “You gotta let them work on her. They have to take her somewhere you can’t go. “soothed Tig. “I need her to be okay Tig” murmured Chibs as he slowly dropped to his knees. “We know” stated Juice as he patted Chibs shoulder. “All my fault boys” Chibs murmured as tears poured down his scarred face.

“Chibs” called Tara as she stepped into the chapel carefully. Frowning as she caught the older mans words. She knew there would be no use in correcting him though. Chibs bolted up his eyes red and swollen. He looked frantic. “Is she” he started to ask as Tara smiled softly and nodded. “She’s going to be okay. She is coming off anesthesia and should be awake in hopefully a few hours.” Replied Tara as Chibs moved and pulled her in for a hug. “Thank you. I don’t know how I can ever repay you” sniffled Chibs.

Once you were able to have visitors he was by your side. Holding your hand, fixing you hair, placing gentle kisses over the bruises on your face. He would have climbed in the bed but Tara said you were to fragile. He talked to you, sang to you. Listed all the reasons he loved you. Waiting on you to open your eyes so he could bask in your love that shown through. The club came and went around him. Dropping off fresh coffee, gifts and food.

You were well loved by the club. Each member have a unique relationship with you. You were more than just Chibs Old Lady. You were warm and friendly, always taking care of them. Looking out when you could. Sweet as pie is how Happy described you. Calm in the eye of any storm. Wouldn’t hurt a fly. All this to say is why Tig and Juice were so slow to respond to the angry screams and sound of things crashing from your hospital room. Surely you wouldn’t be yelling and cussing right?

“Lassie stop… It’s me” begged Chibs as he dodged flying medical equipment as you screamed at him to get out. Your eyes full of a fury and hatred he had never seen before.

“What’s going on?” demanded Tara as she pushed the men out of her way.

“I don’t want them in here” you had spat as tears poured down your face. Tara simply nodded as she started to usher the three men out.

“Wait. Love please” pleaded Chibs as he managed to get to your bedside. Your next words nearly killed him.

***

Your words echoed through Chibs mind as he rode back home from the hospital. He wanted nothing more to stay but you had sent him away. He had left like a beat dog with his tail tucked as Tig and Juice tried to plead his case.

"Why did it take you so long?"

He couldn’t blame you. It was a valid question. One he didn’t have an answer for. One day you would forgive him though he prayed.

Three Months Later

"Look at you Lass" murmured Chibs as he sat watching you take your first steps since your attack. You gave him a small smile as tears snaked down your cheeks and your body shook with the effort.

You thought that week being beaten had been hell but nothing had come close to touching the torture that was relearning how to do things that came easily. You were thankful for Chibs sticking by you no matter how mean you were, how many things you threw at him. Him and his love were always by your side. Telling you one day you would be okay.

"Guess one day was today" you stated as he kissed your forehead once you had reached him.

[redlimvs]

ive been feeling more down lately and i havent been writing as much but I still wanted to share some bits (summaries) of some things i have...

//

1. He laughed even as they were kissing, he threw his head back every few minutes they talked and touched. Calvin hadn’t noticed the little things Andre had done until he looked closer, until he really got to know the boy behind the entire facade of a troublemaker. The imagination of the boy being absolutely perfect was farther from the truth. Calvin saw nothing wrong with this fact, rather, he was far more attracted to learn the little imperfections Andre seemed to be hiding from anybody else. The way his top teeth overlapped his bottom ones, causing his upper lip to be more out, the way comes out completely burdened with acne and spots all around his face, to Calvin, it simply made Andre look more beautiful. Nothing about who Andre was or how he looked could ever change the ever growing thoughts and emotions Calvin felt towards him, it simply felt like, to him, Andre being imperfect was in fact the most perfect thing about him

2. Taking care of a single person, to them, it’s rotten work, it’s pointless, it has no effect on them if somebody decides to leave them. For them, every single person that came into their life would quickly become a stranger, whether it was their doing or the other person’s faults. He saw how they waited for someone to take them home, not the home they lived in, but the permanent home of the other person’s heart. To say his best friend was homesick was an understatement, no, he was dying to feel the beauty of one’s presence, to have someone never leave his side, no matter how hard things got sometimes. There, he stood in front of his best friend, noticing the little crystals that were his tears, and he too, shed a few as they watched each other intensely. With the few very words he could muster up, he grabbed the blonde’s hands, feeling the softness and the gentleness they truly held. He took a final breath, turning to face the opposite direction before turning back to his friend.

“...I do.”

3. “Why didn’t you do it...?”

After months of planning, after countless times of talking about this exact moment, Andre was too pussy to actually go through with it. How could it, after hearing the idea first come out of Calvin’s mouth about killing themselves when it’s all over after shooting what appeared to be dozens of students, how could he actually agree to it? He blames no one except himself, Andre could have done something, he could have said anything in that moment or any other moment they shared with each other and he could have told Calvin that the idea wasn’t so good.

“You...promised...”

And he did, Andre promised to his best friend that they were going to go through with their plan, together. He never intended to back down but with everything happening so suddenly he couldn’t but get cold feet at the thought of a bullet going through his head. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen, maybe he should have taken better care of the situation and realize the signs Calvin was throwing at him, none of this was supposed to go too far and instead was supposed to just be a way to release all of the anger he had built up, he never meant to shoot anyone, he never meant for Calvin to die like this.

4. What can be sad can also be known as true, something you can’t find in real life will always crawl back into your mind when you dream. Waking up only makes one realize that nothing was ever real, that broken and depressive thoughts that clash in your brain to remind you that there is no hope, there is so saving those who cannot be saved and to those who don’t want to be saved. It’s sad, it’s heartbreaking to come to a consensus that those who suffer may never return back into the arms of those who warm their hearts and their souls. Praying to god no longer does anything, getting down to your knees and begging for redemption only lets them know just how weak you are. Andre hates to go back to that one moment, that moment in the past that makes him rethink the choices he had before, that one moment in his life that made him remember that he too can be weak. The conversation with his dad, the car ride with him, during that time, he couldn’t help but allow his eyes to gaze at his father for a second before facing towards the road again. He had told him how he wasn’t planning on going to prom and instead stayed back to help around, after his shift was over, he couldn’t help this bittersweet feeling in his mind. Did he know? Did his father know something that Andre hadn’t told him, did he feel something suddenly wrong in his son’s presence where he felt he needed to tell him how proud he was of him? That moment had felt like something he’d never expect, it had been one of those moments he felt that something could have been different in his life, maybe something could have happened that would change him for the better. His father was proud of him, but he didn’t feel proud of himself

5. Such a lowly and putrid prince, those who shunned him from the world were correct in the fact that nobody would ever find him as a ruby gem, nobody would dare give him the final dance he needed as a farewell, nobody would give him the satisfaction of cherishing his last moments. Whatever flows in the river of regret and punishment will forever crash and destroy whatever he made up to try and convince himself that there was more to his life than simply rotting forever in his mind. Monarch’s were practically unable to view their own beauty and see how raw and beautiful their wings were, they would never get a chance to see who they were even in their dying breaths. Everybody else was able to see just how perfect they were, but they wouldn’t say anything, they wouldn’t dare speak a word on who they were and simply wait until the last few moments to remind them,

“My, such a beautiful life being put to waste.”

God would never forgive him, he didn’t want him to forgive and he didn’t want to believe everything his parents say about God being real, for if he was real then why give him the life he did not need, why give him the misfortune of seeing his past mistakes simply by looking at his wrists? Bring him terror, bring him fear, bring him everything he always had and take it to his grave, nobody would ever visit him anyways.

[zayray030]

In honor of Leona's home town event:

Ace meeting the royal family!

HIII!! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE!!! I PRAY THAT THIS ASK GRANTS ME LUCK AND THAT LEONA WILL COME TO ME IN THE NEXT TEN PULL BECAUSE IVE ALREADY USED UP EVERYTHING AND I HAVE 30 PULLS TILL 100. PLEASE COME TO ME MY KING!!

Anyways! 🩷 leoace witb Ace meeting the royal family

Off the bat, Kifaji hates him (fuck the eng translation)

Now I wouldn't say hate him

But like who meets the royal family in trainers and a hoodie along with cherry hair accessories??????

And with the hoodie belonging to leona???? SHAMELESS!!!

Ace does not care. Quite frankly Kifaji is another Riddle and he does not have the mood for him

He takes great pleasure in being shameless with leona and cracking sex jokes

He also gets very pouty whenever kifaji makes a comment

Leona just kisses him again and he has so much genuine joy whenever Ace pisses off anyone else

Cheka adores Ace simply because Ace provides an opening for him to play with his uncle

And also Ace can get Leona to do things that Cheka has to beg for

Also Ace is the only one who can actually convince Leona to do anything. However Ace refuses to because he gets to spend more time with leona when Leona's only placing his attention on him

Falena is literally on his knees crying that Leona actually has someone that can handle his mood lmao

Literally took him by the hands and asked Ace with literal tears if he's his saviour

Leonas sister in law finds Ace cute but she also likes to mess with him.

She keeps a straight face around him to intimidate him and then when he's gone she turns to whoever and she talks about how adorable he is

She mostly does it because she knows it pisses off Leona

Leona's parents.......yeesh

Like Leona's mother adores Ace and finds him adorable and is grateful that he both balances out and matches Leona

Leona's father.......at some point during the meeting Leona's father made a comment and Ace hit below the belt. They are now enemies lmao

[lukeevangelista]

Can I do number 6 and number 8 from PL7 with Johnny Druskinis?

Accident - J. Druskinis 

I'm not sorry for this 

———————————————————————————

“God, can you please stop talking?” He asked, slamming his hand on the steering wheel, “You have done nothing but bitch about everything and I’m getting sick of hearing it!”

“If you wouldn’t give me something to bitch about, then you wouldn’t hear it!”

Silence filled the car after you said that, Johnny becoming more frustrated with you as each moment passed by.

“Johnny watch out!” You shouted as the car barreled into the passenger side of his car.

The car had ran the red light, Johnny not seeing it as his light was green to go.

The car spun out of control, your head hitting the dashboard before the airbag went off, slowly knocking you unconscious. 

The last thing you heard was Johnny begging for you to stay awake and that help would be there soon.

***

Johnny paced the waiting room for what felt like hours. He had minor injuries, your side of the car taking the brunt of it all. 

“I can’t do anything right.” Johnny whispered to himself. Luca, who had came to the hospital with a few others as soon as he had heard what happened, watched him.

“It’s not your fault.” He said as he stood up, grabbing his friend by the shoulders to stop him, “Johnny, it’s not your fault. He was drunk, he ran the red light.”

“If I would have been-”

“There’s no what ifs. It happened and now it has to be dealt with.” Luca said, “She’s a strong girl, she’ll be okay.” 

“God, I hope so.” He said as Luca gave him a tight hug.

“She will.”

“Family for Y/N L/N?” A nurse called out as she entered the room. Johnny and the others jumped up as they gathered around her.

“We’re the only family she has here.” Johnny whispered, “She’s here for uh- college.” He said as his mouth went dry.

Her family. They didn’t know anything that was going on and he was starting to feel guilty for not calling.

“She's stable, but she's a very lucky girl, I hope you know this.” She gave him a sincere look, “You can go back, one at a time though.” She said, “I want to warn you, she looks rough right now. She does have wires everywhere and she is currently sedated to help with the pain, but she should be waking up any moment sweetheart.” 

“Go.” Kienan said as he nudged him forward, “She’ll want to be the first one she sees when she wakes up.”

Johnny nodded as he followed the nurse to your room, her not kidding.

You were covered in wires to monitor anything that could potentially go wrong. 

The moment he entered the room, he heard a groan leave your lips. He sat down in the chair that was beside your bed, grabbing your hand that had the IV in it, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles repeatedly. 

Johnny was sitting there, praying you would wake up soon. 

And as if someone was listening, you groaned once more, your eyes slowly fluttering open. 

You couldn't speak, your mouth being insanely dry. 

“I thought I lost you.” Johnny whispered as he leaned forward, his hand softly brushing your hair back out of your face, “I- I was so worried.”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.” You smiled as you slowly moved your hand to grip his, giving him a tight squeeze, “I’m with you for life, even if we argue. You’re not leaving and I’m not leaving you.”

[starseneyes]

Fear Frequents the Foolish and the Brave

Tomorrow morning I leave my house with this face for the last time. I know on the other side, there will be better health and so much more. But I will admit that as the minutes tick closer to Midnight when food and drink must cease, tears well in my eyes.

I’ll admit, loves, that I am afraid.

I know this surgery is a common one that many a person has as a child. Having it now instead of in the 90’s means the technology has come so long a way. Cognitively I understand.

But a part of me is still rooted in the moments earlier where 2/3 children clung to me begging me not to go to the hospital... because they, too, were afraid.

Of course, I put on a brave face, told them that everything would be okay, and that I couldn’t wait to see them on Saturday and hear about all the adventures they went on with their Papa. And I prayed they wouldn’t see the quivering inside my chest.

I’ve been under the knife and anesthesia 5 times before. I even know which vein I prefer for IVs and tell the anesthesiologist upon arrival. It’s not like I’m new to this at all, or that I am surprised to be here after 15 months of braces.

But, that little voice inside of me wishes it didn’t have to be. So, tonight I acknowledge that voice. I let it move through me so I might fully feel what I need to feel so I can steady myself for the morning.

One breath at a time, loves.

[hughiecampbelle]

Divine (Helmut Zemo Oneshot)

Character/s: Zemo, Bucky

Word Count: 1,691

Requested: rupture + slamming doors + "If I wanted to, I would have already."

A/N: Not requested, just an idea I wanted to try out :) Feedback is always appreciated!!! 💜💜💜

REQUESTS ARE OPEN 🔮

Святой. Иголка. Собака. Покайтесь. Музыка. Шрам. Более легкий. Девятнадцать. Бог. Ангел. He rattles off those words like they are nothing, like they mean nothing, placing them between sentences, attempting coherency, while he waits for the aneurysm to burst. It’s cerebral: meaning “of relating to the brain or intellect”. The words, the diagnosis. You are smart, he knows this, he has seen this, therefore you are destined to be doomed. You always have been. The vessel wall is weak (frail, feeble, fragile) and the blood begins to pool, applying pressure to the nerves. The brain. Eventually, the vessel will fracture and begin to hemorrhage. You have yet to detonate, though you’re close: your seams are loose, the wires crossed, your skull filled to the brim. Seeing red. The rupture will be catastrophic. No survivors. Under your breath you repeat the words: over and over, trying to regain control, trying not to let him win. Your fists are balled. Your voice is shaky. Your heartbeat rapid. Cerebral aneurysms can lead to brain damage, hemorrhagic stroke, coma, and death. You wonder if you will die like this, listing off those words, everything in you fighting for control. You wonder if his voice will still be in your head, all of their voices, while you become undone. 

Святой. Saint. You weren’t devout. Your mother, though, feared the wrath of God. She went to the saints, the individuals, to solve her problems. Her knees bled, and her back broke, and the holy pages became frayed. She wore Mary around her neck, clutching her, cradling her. She pleaded and you’d wait for something to happen. A miracle. A light. Anything. She’s find her glasses and thank St. Anthony. It was St. Raphael who cured you when you were sick. St. Agnes would keep you pure. You didn’t not believe. You had no proof in either direction. It didn’t seem fair to write them all off completely. Still, it didn’t sit right with you. It still doesn’t. You can’t remember her face. In your memories, her features are blank. Her voice, her mannerisms, all of gone along with her name. But her devotion, her begging, has been carved into you, deep enough where Hydra could not touch. All across the world, you’d wander off to churches between jobs, blood scrubbed off your skin, circling the drain as the doors open. The pews lined. The priest would welcome you in, speak to you in his native tongue, and you would shyly reciprocate. If not fluent, then stumbling your way through a prayer to your mothers saints long gone. They don’t hear you: you know this. They heard her, the worked in her favor. You called to them, to help you, to save you, as they tore you apart. Nothing changed. No one stopped. Still, there is a moral obligation, an innately human desire, to ask for forgiveness. Even someone as irredeemable and sullied as you bows your head and clasps your hands together. You prayed to your mother, a stranger now, that she might be looking down on you, that she is not upset with what you have become. A killer. An assassin. Where was St. Agnes now?

Иголка. Needle. There is nothing to compare it to, no history of childhood fits, no surge of panic in your adolescence, nothing, though you’ve been told you become difficult in the presence of needles. You used to put up more of a fight, hysterical at the idea of something sharp and pointed plunging into you. After the accident, most of your body was in ruins. You needed IV’s, and shots, and spinal taps. You screamed and cried and bargained everything you had, everything you were worth. Zola didn’t believe in pain killers. It would be wasted on something that didn’t deserve relief. Strapped to the table, a syringe digging into your spine, he’d shush you, your wimpers, brushing the sweat off your face. His breath was hot, his words pungent. That piece of you never got lost. They tried, they really did. Their own version of exposure therapy. Sam thought you were ridiculous. Your bones, your skin, your muscle put back together, most of you metal and scar tissue (Frankensteineque) and yet your eyes tear up at the thought of a vaccine. You have killed and been killed, but a needle, something so small it’s insignificant, throws off your day. Sends you into a panic. Not because of what they did. Not because, when you were especially difficult to deal with, they’d puncture you like a human pincushion. But something deeper, older, in you that you cannot recite. Something childlike and stubborn remains and they come out even now, petrified and clawing, trying to get away. This piece of you is not embarrassing, as others would expect. Rather it is proof that a part of you is still human. Still mortal. Still you. 

Собака. Dog. He’d look at you the way one does at a rotten dog.  He’d watch you like your canines have fallen out of your gums, like your mouth is a series of sockets and spit, like your legs are chewed and chunkless, and your eyes are glazed over with cataracts. He never meant to. Zola. Loved you as one loves an old dog, too. With admiration and nostalgia. You were his child, his creation, his life. The Winter Soldier was his best, but you would always be his favorite. They broke you before they put you together again. You’d yelp, and bark, and whine. There was so much pain, it was all-encompassing. Blinding. Not just your skin, but in the marrow of your bones. It’s indescribable. He would stand by your side, he would hold your hand. When you regained feeling, eventually, you could feel him squeezing it. One. Two. Three. Your mouth tasted of metal. Even your gums were bleeding. You’d try to speak, but the gag in your mouth prevented it. He loved you. He loved you so much he locked you in a cage. Like a dog, he expected you to obey. To sit, and stand, and protect him, protect them. You were allowed to play, to bite at one another, but they preferred to keep you and Bucky separate. There was a great fear that, if placed beside one another, you would learn to communicate, to work together, and find a way out. The more secluded you were, the safer they would be. 

Шрам. Scar. You didn’t return to the living unscathed. Your body was all scar tissue. Hard, restricting, and thick. Some have faded, others tear open with one wrong move. You were the first of your kind, a test subject they could have a little fun with. It isn’t pretty. Some of it resembles your natural features: they eye they replaced is identical to the real one. Other parts they chose to keep more archaic. You are metal, and flesh, the two working together to keep you in one piece. You used to rust. They’d upgrade the mechanics every few years when something better was invented. It was excruciating. You don’t look like a person. What’s worse, you don’t feel like one. Where there should be softness is sterility. Zemo has seen more than anyone’s been allowed. He’s watched your muscles contort, heard the faint whirring of your limbs as they reconfigure themselves. He understands why Zola loved you so. You were beautiful. When the time came to use you, to blame you, a small part of him was remorseful. Sorry. You still catch him staring. Not out of anger or confusion, but infatuation. They all liked you for your body. That never stops. Not in life, not after death. 

Ангел. Angel. That was your name, the one they gave you when you forgot your own. There was The Winter Soldier and there was The Angel. Instinctual, you answered to it. A reflex. A habit. You chose a new one. Your therapist thought it was a good idea, to put distance between you and the thing they created. There were no files, no identification, no ties to anyone or anything, though. As far as they could find, you had always been Angel. Your identity not only stripped, it has been decimated. It’s as if you already belonged to them even before you got there. My angel, Zola would say, his tone affectionate, his mannerisms disturbing. The Angel, Zemo would bask in awe. You were real after all. You were still getting used to the one you gave yourself. Two, maybe three seconds before you recognized someone was trying to get your attention. All those years, it was hard to break. You’d like to think your mother would have laughed: her child? This child? An angel? You were cynical. Masochistic. Ruthless. You killed some of the most important people on the planet and you did it well. If nothing else, there was a sense of pride, a sense of duty, completion. You did so quietly, silently, and when you were done, eye-witnesses swore they truly saw an angel. How fitting. 

Святой. Иголка. Собака. Покайтесь. Музыка. Шрам. Более легкий. Девятнадцать. Бог. Ангел. Your hand is wrapped around his throat. Sam and Bucky are at your sides, trying to deescalate the situation. He watches you knowingly, expectantly. He wanted this to happen. It would be so easy. Can’t they see? Can’t they understand? Slip back into place. Disappear, go into hiding, and live as you did. You weren’t just good, you were excellent. You could crush his windpipe without a second thought. But Bucky, cautiously, places his hand on your arm. If you meet his eyes, you will have to let go. You will back away. You will become a dog again, beaten and abused, forced to obey. He can see it in your features. He knows what this would mean. But he is a changed person, a desperate person who needs Zemo. So you do. I see you are still following orders. Too scared to kill me? His voice comes out strained, choking, but he is remains arrogant. If I wanted to, I would have already. You spit, slamming the door behind you.

[jemmo]

ok. here’s some of my immediate, rambly reactions to eps 3 and 4 of t8s.

first off, i was kinda nervous the entire day. it’s been a while since ive had butterflies like this waiting for a show to air, most recently was the second season of utsukushii kare, but the level it was today was rivalling waiting on a friday for a new bad buddy ep. and the fact this show managed to put me into that state within less than a week is frankly insane, and shows just how down bad i am for it. all that to say, i so soooooo didnt this want this to be a case of me overinflating how good those first 2 eps only for the follow up to not encapsulate the same feelings. all signs were pointing to that not being the case, but still, when you hyperfixate, you kinda get nervous hoping that thing lives up to everything youve built it up to be. and these eps absolutely did that. they didnt just live up to expectations, but are managing to give me scenes and story beats and emotions i just cant predict at this point, and i love that. just how like this budding relationship feels new and unpredictable to jihyun and jaewon, the show is like that for me to watch, and it does wonders for giving me the same butterflies the two are feeling.

but with that unpredictability comes a kind of uncertainty, not knowing whats gonna happen at any turn, and i cant express how much i adore that about these two eps. with the kind of story theyre building, with jaewon’s mental health struggles and his past, with jihyuns nerves and growth in an unfamiliar environment, itd be so easy to make their relationship a shared place of comfort and certainty and familiarity for each other. that place of refuge. and while i feel like that’s what it’ll eventually become, i love that still, in these early stages, the relationship feels so uncertain and almost not guaranteed. it makes you still hang onto every look and touch and word even though theyve already kissed. something about it doesnt feel pre-determined, which is a feeling i get with so many other bl’s when you know, a majority of the time, they’ll get together and have a happy ending. that doesnt feel guaranteed here (even though i pray for that to be the case). instead, it feels like im watching two individuals that are actually having to make a conscious effort in order for this relationship to become something. they have to work for that certainty. and that kind of knife’s edge, it could break at any moment, hanging on every interaction is packed with that specific kind of nervous exhilaration that is so fucking accurate and true to the start of relationship. i seriously cant describe how perfectly they managed to encapsulate that feeling and convey it with such authenticity. its actually ridiculous. seeing those moments, when they’re talking and skirting so closely around the topic of what exactly they are, when then their fingers brush and you are begging for one of them to make the tiniest of moves, to take hold, to make that kind of a statement no matter how small or silent it is, it makes your heart race, bc its new and unknown and in that moment its like your insides are screaming, begging you to embed this sensation into your veins bc you dont know when the next night like this, when the midnight chill and the dusky sky and the hints of alcohol in your system will mix right and make you feel so hedonistically giddy as you do right now at the feeling of that person by your side. and the way they both chase that sensation, how visibly happy it makes them, a craving for each other and that shared thrill only they know, it is just so unbelievably intoxicating to watch. 

i am a person that struggles to sit down and focus. im watching tv but im also knitting, im playing a game but also listening to a podcast. im that person that has to overwhelm my senses to feel sated. this is the first time in a while that ive sat down to watch something and nothing stole my focus, i wasnt distracted, my mind didnt wander. i wasnt concious of the other people walking around my house or the traffic outside or the temperature of the room, i was just fully engrossed. i let every ebb and flow of the scenes and story take me on this path it was guiding me down. and again, thats how they feel. when jihyun and jaewon are alone together, everything else fades away to this dull buzz of background nothingness, they become engrossed in each other, and just as the story pulls me, they pull each other. there’s a constant back and forth, an exchange of setting and challenging boundaries that i adore. when youre getting into a scene, you dont know whos gonna be the one pushing the other. you have jihyun being more forward by the han river, teaching jaewon to draw, then you have jaewon going after jihyun at the library, you have him meeting jihyun after work only for jihyun to ask him to stay and have a drink. its like with every interaction, theyre both asking ‘is this ok?’ and the other asks ‘can we go further?’. i wanna make a whole other post about the nature of their gap in age and experience and all that brings and also how the expectations it brings are subverted, but for now i just wanna say how great it is that there is this balance, and especially that jihyun is allowed to be confident and brave and forward with jaewon, and jaewon is allowed to be reserved and giddy around jihyun. those are experiences so often reserved for the elder and the younger in a relationship, respectively, so to let jihyun be the leader and jaewon the follower, swept up by his feelings and attraction is so refreshing and plays so well into the kind of growth we’re gonna see from these characters and that they need, jihyun growing out of this shy country mouse persona to be more forward and bold, and jaewon being allowed to drop his mask of bravado and letting him be a young person that doesn’t have to be in control of everything. we see that one of his main pressures is the concept of the future, of how simultaneously wide and full of possibilities but also narrow and predetermined that future is for him. he talks about being afraid to lose the comfort of a microcosm like the army of school, even though they are places where he isnt necessarily happy. and then in comes jihyun, something not predetermined, something unexpected, and he takes control of jaewons future in a way by opening up this new path for him. he’s taking some of that stress from jaewon’s shoulders by being an equal and responsive partner in this journey, and offers the chance for jaewon to have something certain in his future, only if he too will work for it. only too if he tries something new, realises that its not too late, and that the anxiety and fear and uncertainty that comes with it may be worth it. bc it may not be guaranteed, but to try instead of never knowing is the only way he can make this possible.

tldr; this show is breath-taking, and im gonna be emo about it for a very long time

[thegirlwhoistired]

can not wait until ive lost enough weight in so short of time that someone notices and asks me if im okay

oh how badly i want to be able to say “no. i have completely fallen out of love with food. all of the years of work, dedication, motivation and discipline to lose weight the healthy way is gone and down the drain. ive been struggling for so long now. i was crying for help, i was screaming for help. i was begging and praying to god and the universe to give me a sign, to show me that someone was happy with my progress, that someone liked me for what i was, and my pleas were left unanswered. and now after months of struggling you finally decide i look sick enough to ask me if im okay”

ill probs just say that im fine and the diet and exercise must be working but its the thought that counts

[delicatetaysversion]

happiest birthday to the love of my life @loverrgf baby hiii i am wishing praying begging god for you to get all the happiness and love and success in the world and i hope life loves you more treats you kinder in this upcoming year and you achieve everything you've dreamed and yearned of and you know ive never been good at keeping promises but i am promising you that whatever happens i am always here for you by your side cheering you on listening to you waiting for you loving you okay? so quickly be done with your exams and come back to me because i love you so much and i miss you so much and i need my daily dose of talking to you about nothing and everything for like two hours every night okay ily ❤

[rianafying]

this is not necessarily a happy journal entry but

i’ve had a lot of happy moments lately. and relief. also chaos but that’s nothing unusual, the happiness is. noticed something that made me upset just now. also opened bumble god knows why. i know fully well i don’t want to date, and yet, i opened bumble. it’s not like i have time to kill. in fact, i have no time. there’s so much stuff i’m meant to be doing. i just added a whole bunch of stuff to my master to do list. here comes the hyperventilation. i prayed the other day. i felt so bad that i prayed. can yall imagine how much anxiety it takes to get to a point where i genuinely broke down enough to beg god for help? but it means something. it means i have hope. it means i want things to get better. it means i feel it’s worth it. this is a start contrast to my indifference and disinterest in living last year. things are different now. i am different. nothing changes. everything changes. it feels like a cycle but also there’s something new about it. everytime i regain my will to life. you can’t force these things. it has a mind of its own. also going back to bumble, it’s such a waste of time for me and also it makes me feel a few things: 1) like dating is so strange, i don’t have it in me to do the whole ritual, it’s not organic, it feels forced, and superficial, it’s not for me, not for who i am right now. 2) it makes me think about aspects of myself that i have struggled a lot to make peace with, such as my appearance, my personality etc through the lens of others, like why would i ever subject myself to such torment, when i know i hate being perceived 3) i am too impatient and disinterested to send the first message or to wait for a response and then to carry on a conversation. there’s more points but ill just keep rambling for eternity. why am i even saying all this, why am i thinking so much about it, clearly this has struck something in me, since i feel so strongly about it and am desperately trying to make sense of it. the thing is. i like who i am. i like how things are going. that is not something i can say like ever. but can now. and i’m doing fine. and i do have the time. to be silly. to waste some. i don’t actually have to do the things, i just want to do them. and a break is never long enough to do everything i ever wanted to do. instead i’ll focus on the progress i’ve made, which is anything but little. i should be and i am extremely proud of myself. oh funny thing happened the other day, i accidentally splashed boiling water onto my face and chest when trying to break a bone in my stockpot. and i gave myself a pretty nasty burn that covers more than half my face. the left side. my left. your right. the side with the mole. anyway, so i dealt with it, i’ve been told to avoid exposing my face to the sun or heat in general. so ive been eating a lot of cold foods. and coincidentally watching that episode on gilmore girls where the dragonfly inn catches fire, and sookie can’t use the stoves until the insurance company pays for the contractor to fix them and she lists cold foods, all types of salads and carpaccios. i don’t eat raw meat/fish and i’m over my salad craze. i’m craving a hot roast chicken sandwich with cold tomatoes and zesty mayo on toasted brioche buns. the way i make it. i’m rlly hungry. and there is this lingering melancholy that just grows if i don’t address it every now and then.

for someone who is absolutely terrible at writing, i sure do write a lot. and this is technically writing. right?

even though things are better, i’m not yet okay. my mind still spins too fast. nothing sticks. i’m in distress because my friends are distress. how can we actually be happy if the ones we love are not. so many people so many attachments. it’s been a while since i’ve even had the mental capacity to care for others. i’m hungry as fuck. something is off, something feels bad. is it my hunger. is it my messed up sleep schedule. is it my perpetually cluttered room. is it the pressure of expectations. is it my godawful health, mental or physical. is it eternal.

i can’t fix everything. i can’t fix anything really. i can’t fix things at a rate fast enough to keep up with the pace of destruction. in this life there is too much to fight against. but also too much to fight for. at least i can take solace in the fact that it ends. which is not so much a fact to me as it is a hope. god forbid the heavens exist. i couldn’t take another minute of being, after i have been so relentlessly my whole life. i’m hungry. i’m scared. i’m hopeful. i’m apprehensive. always anticipating danger but never quite ready for it. nothing is ever right enough. except when i find a bit of poetry that changes the fabric of my being. maybe i just need to be receptive in case some poetry finds its way to little old me.

[lovereveals]

I remember how you answered the door and finally i felt something new about you again.

The busted red door and the slamming screen at your moms.

I now get why you called it your moms, because the woman is what makes the house a home. Not just who pays the majority gets title.

I remember your plants in the sun room crowding the place but thats exactly how you wanted the jungle to run. I see it all now, maybe

not all because ive said that before and theres still new pieces coming back, so fortunately. I

miss how youd explain your ventures to me always inviting me into a mission or a newfound

passion. You always had something for me to do and now i sit here wandering directionless

begging for you to give me something, anything. I think of how i wish i took more time with you

doing anything, sitting in traffic. Waiting for the rain to stop, sitting in the car while the gas

pumped, i wish i knew how to slow down and just let the sun rise with our eyes and appreciate

the day starting with all that you are was is and always will be above anything i could dream up

by myself. You exceeded every expectation i ever heard of, had or dreamed of having and you

still do, I want to go back and open everything to you and be willing to look stupid because i

know thats what you needed, i was too cool when i deserved to let the flame you had awoken

inside me burn in every way so you could experience the love you inspired into me. Back then

we only could feel the sharpest of edges, so i guess thats why we collided how we had because

all we know is how to live in our truths. Im grateful now we have been forged in fire to relearn

how to engage in a forevermore of new ways love dances, rests, runs, works, suffers, laughs,

rests, dreams, reminesises, burns , chills, excites , calms , awakens , rests, breaks , builds,

conquers, surrenders. Explores, awaits, it flys, freefalls , catches , slips , bliss, madness, tragic,

solace, lost, found , light , dark , confusing , enlightening, sickening , healing,

You were the one who made sure i wasnt left alone, outside , stranded and it scared me like a

stray skittish dog treats its loving owner, it suffers for days months even years not understanding

its worth love and so much more beyond the scraps of gestures id been only thrown in the snow

by those who said thats what love was and at the time thats all i knew it to be so i shivered and

starved in every pathetic demoralizing way until you came along Alyvia and not only showed me

what welcome really deserves to be but as the moments passed you proved it only to a deeper

glowing extent, I took it in like like a pet with new food, it made me weazy but i slowly became

accustomed to what the epitome of unconditional love is. You. i should of learned from your love

and embraced it but at the time i had only experienced the fleeting fake half smiled favors titled

love by everyone before you. I had grown accustomed to kindness always coming right before

abandonment and unacceptance. I tiptoed around all that you were because if i was to be

accepted by anyone ever my God i prayed it was you, even though it took me by so much

surprise, it were a pure miracle to hear you wanted me to come inside to meet your dad

because you said he;d like me. When all i expected from you was to use me as a ride from work

and that was enough for me because your presence and everything about you seemed to call

me home to true grace when all i had ever known was the unforgiving ravaging wilderness. I

learned to accept your love via zoey because i had to ease into the gravity and power that one

true loves unexplainabl force generates pushing pulling reverberating in original distinct ways

that left us so overwhelmed we became oblivious skeptiks because you know they explain true

love to crash all at once to be that one feeling like no other.

well from my experience, true love came in to me like the smallest hand on a clock. You dont

notice how bad you needed it until you see a clock that doesn't have seconds ticking and you

realize it may be working but not in the way it was designed to, without that simple missing

piece two ticking hands move but it's simply as if there's no sign of order between them.

A Quiet chaos has always been surrounding entangled in each of our lives and when we finally

crossed physical paths the currents began to intertwine ever so softly at first introduction like

two magnets meeting, we collided at once as if not by our own choices but our hearts magnetic

field retwiring welcoming itself within questions and answers only a divine separation between

death and life can forge a perfect cosmic message.that screams in silence emotions that are not

bound by time.

So we didn't talk. We savored that silence, we could almost taste it, because it felt like the world

stopped that night, we were left alone to the stillness only we alone could fill alone together in

that wide open bar, the city was quiet and vacant for us due to the key that only true love can

loneliness and evil heartless terror i grew up escaping from dodging everything that wasnt to

unlock.

We didn't mean to fit, but we were born destined to engraved on our souls we were given a

mission to find each other. It was always my only driving force and beacon of hope in the

lead my path to my beloved.

Subject =

Some memories i couldnt just let fly away yet

[menalez]

Hey so I really wanted to know your thoughts on SAM (the split attraction model). Before I discovered what comphet was and read about it, I identified as bisexual or bi-ace . . . Only to realize now that I’ve only ever been sexually attracted to women and only women, and that I was only ever truly “asexual” toward men. Yet, I have also had crushes on boys in the past. Most if not all of my TV crushes were male, and some do my strongest infatuations in my preteen and teen years were boys. I found them aesthetically attractive and wanted to be near them, until they actually got near me and then not so much. I have a suspicion that I liked the attention and validation and also just liked their nice faces, but I remember my first crush had me begging God on my knees to make the boy marry me. Yet when there was opportunity to so much as kiss him I was appalled. I also wonder if the reason I liked fictional men more than women was because they were written better, and if I didn’t consider my deep, love for my female friends and consuming interest in them as romance because it didn’t feel the same and I was taught to disregard it as friendly—it didn’t feel fast or flighty, but deep and all-consuming, like I was being eaten alive from the inside. It was passion.

I don’t know, maybe I’m not used to seeing women as full people and hence found them less interesting as characters and sometimes even irl, kinda like black people (as an African I resented African stories and had no interest and felt no spark in seeing African characters. I realize I’m just not interested in caricatures.)

I don’t know. I’m very conflicted. I have a desire for attractive men, but never sexual, and not even romantic. Kinda like I want to take their faces in my hands and stare, or rub noses. Or touch their smiles. Mainly sensual, but romantic? Sexual? I don’t think so, no.

sorry for dumping this on you, answer at your own leisure and comfort

(but I am also waiting with bated breath because I have been spiraling for days now)

idk anon i really can’t say for sure and whatever i tell u may be false bc how ur currently processing and understanding ur feelings isnt necessarily objective and ultimately you’ll come to a clearer conclusion on ur own. but ive never had tv crushes on males or been attracted to actors or found male characters interesting or prayed to god for a specific guy to marry me (imagining myself married to a guy, as i knew was expected to me, made me deeply depressed and feel trapped but i didn’t know why), and i definitely don’t want to hold a man’s face and stare at it and touch noses (im ok w holding a close gay male friend’s face but i don’t think id want to look particularly long and def not put our faces so intimately close) sooo i don’t rly relate to the stuff you mentioned. honestly figuring out my sexuality was also quite difficult for me bc it required me to rly think back to as far back as my young childhood & that made me realise that from a young age it was clear that there was one group that i was innately attracted to but another group that i knew i should be attracted to & thus would interpret discomfort and anxiety as meaning i was attracted to them (despite ultimately having 0 interest in them). i hope u do figure it out sooner rather than later bc i know it can be distressing to be unsure and conflicted on ur sexuality n feelings 😭

as for SAM, im totally against it. our sexual libido isn’t our sexual orientation, it can vary over time or due to certain experiences or from medication etc. sexual orientation is sth else and romantic & sexual attraction r more or less the same things broken down into specific feelings and preferences. i never thought much about “sensual attraction” tho but i feel like if u aren’t attracted to men as in they don’t make u horny, ur not sexually interested in them, u don’t want to date them, u can find them aesthetically pleasing at most but that’s about it and u always felt this way then ur probably a lesbian. but the stuff u mentioned sounds like weak attraction to men so idk?

[thepastisalreadywritten]

SAINT OF THE DAY (August 11)

"Go forth without fear, Christian soul, for you have a good guide for your journey.

Go forth without fear, for He that created you has sanctified you, has always protected you, and loves you as a mother."

— Saint Clare, on her deathbed in 1253

Chiara Offreduccio, known as Clare of Assisi, was an Italian saint who was one of the first followers of Francis of Assisi.

She was born on 16 July 1193 in Assisi to a noble family.

Before her birth, her mother received a sign that her daughter would be a bright light of God in the world.

As a child, she was already very strongly drawn to the things of God, praying fervently, devoutly visiting the Blessed Sacrament, and manifesting a tender love towards the poor.

When she was 18, she heard St. Francis preaching in the town square during Lent.

She knew at once that God wanted her to consecrate herself to Him.

The next evening, Clare left her house at night, ran to meet St. Francis and his companions at the church they were staying in, and shared her desire to follow him in his way of life.

He received her, gave her his tunic, cut off her golden locks, and sent her to a Benedictine convent, because she could not stay with the brothers.

Her younger sister Agnes soon joined her and the two had to resist much pressure from their family to return home.

When Clare was 22, St. Francis placed her in a small house beside the convent and made her superior, a post she should serve for the next 42 years of her life until her death.

The ´Poor Clares,' as they came to be known, lived an unusually austere life for women of the time.

They were walking barefoot around the town begging for alms, wearing sackcloth, and living without any possessions, completely dependent for their food on what was given to them.

But the emphasis of their lives was, and still is, contemplation.

Many young noble women left all they had to take on the poor habit of Clare and the order grew rapidly, with houses being founded all over Italy, all of whom took St. Clare as their model and inspiration.

Clare's reputation for holiness was such that the Pope himself came to her deathbed in 1253 to give her absolution.

He wanted to canonize her immediately on her death but was advised by his cardinals to wait.

Claire died on 11 August 1253 in absolute tranquility, saying to one of the brothers at her side:

"Dear brother, ever since through His servant Francis I have known the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, I have never in my whole life found any pain or sickness that could trouble me."

She was canonized by Pope Alexander IV on 26 September 1255.

Pope Pius XII designated Clare as the patron saint of television in 1958 on the basis that when she was too ill to attend Mass, she had reportedly been able to see and hear it on the wall of her room.

In art, Saint Clare is often shown carrying a monstrance or pyx, in commemoration of the occasion when she warded away the invading soldiers of Frederick II at the gates of her convent by displaying the Blessed Sacrament and kneeling in prayer.